#it just sucks with the level of therapy that I'm at because I can't even let myself feel bad without immediately being like

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

The C person's dark side

Behind that innocent face, there's a woman who maybe subconsciously, or maybe not so subconsciously, manipulates situations to get what she wants.

Of course, this doesn't diminish Carmy's free will, as I mentioned here. But that's the whole point, she doesn't really respect his free will, she manipulates it or maneuvers around it, she tries to, in some way, control it and cries when she can't. She got her own 💔 in the process but she will continue doing it even now that she knows better, because it's in her nature. It's IC for her.

So we will unfortunately and surely see a lot more of that this upcoming S3. Claire's dark side will be out in the open, this time perhaps it will be more explicit and not so subtle. I'm not sure how it will be played out bc I gave up on trying to figure Storer out, I just let him be and trust him as much as I can, which is not much at this point, tbh...

But back to Claire, that is my main problem with her, not only because in IRL I hate manipulative people, even if they do it unconsciously, even when I know that someone who resorts to manipulations, especially emotional manipulation tactics, is someone deeply insecure and it's usually not their fault, as insecurities are typically rooted in early childhood and you can't hold a child responsible for anything or sometimes are linked to unsolved trauma, which clearly, you can't blame on the person either. But, here's the catch: I'm a person too, hi, hello! I have issues too, etc, and I don't manipulate shit! I respect people's free will to a fault even if it fucking kills me, and usually it does as a matter of fact. But I suck it up and move on like a pro, I just bounce back and heal without trying to manipulate anyone into acting the way I wish they fucking did. And I certainly don't take it out on others. I go to therapy, blow steam up at the gym till I have to pop painkillers to keep functioning, I skip town for a few days and re-connect with nature, I write FF, I journal, I read, I go to my BBF's house, and cry while she feeds me foods I don't even know how to cook, I swim, I walk my dogs, and lay on the floor with them till I feel better and when none of that works, I occasionally go back to boxing, I try not to bc it's not healthy for me. But I NEVER FUCK WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S FREE WILL, I DON'T CONDONE THAT BEHAVIOUR IN OTHERS IRL AND I HATE THAT MY FAVEST TV SHOW GOT RUINED WITH A CHARACTER LIKE THAT, I DON'T WANNA WATCH THAT. I mean, I will, sure, bc IK Sydcarmy is endgame, but I don't wanna.

Claire embodies everything I hate in people, everything I run away from IRL, her character represents all I think is toxic and should be avoided at all costs, all I consider ethically wrong in the most basic aspects of life because what makes us humans is our freedom and IK this sounds dramatic 🙄 but I believe that who doesn't respect our freedom, free will, etc, is trying to rob us from our humanity, sometimes inadvertently, which I think might be her case most of the time, but some other times they do it on purpose. They know what they are doing and do it anyway, they are willing to outsource and pay others to help them, etc. They know they are trying to force an outcome, which in business might be OK, seeing as at work we may find ourselves in these kinda situations more often than not and we don't really have a choice as to whether we put up with them or not, especially if we work in certain industries, however, we are NOT our jobs! When it comes to human relationships this M.O. goes against my whole belief system. Can't do it. Nope. It's not fair and fairness is where I draw the fucking line!!!

And no, I'm not a Sydcarmy soldier because of that, but yes, I'm ALSO a Sydcarmy soldier bc of that, for sure!

But on a deeper level, and this is actually what I hate the most here: I'm mad at Storer, whom I learned to love and hate in equal measure by now. You'll see, he allowed this character to happen. Either he created it or signed off on it if one of his other writers wrote Claire into existence. WHY!?!?! THERE WERE OTHER WAYS TO DO THIS, CHRIS!

I previously mentioned how shady Claire's behavior was from the beginning and how it probably wouldn't have been tolerated or woulda been flagged as a clear 🚩if a man woulda acted that way with a woman. I go over it in my response/rb to this comprehensive (just the way I like it) post by @damnikindadontcare

So summing up, I don't hate C, I hate Storer and what Claire represents. I hate that I will have to continue putting up with her and her dark side for who knows how many more eps, and every time I look at her all of this goes through my head, it kills the whole watching experience for me but if this is the price I have to pay to see Sydcarmy unfold and Claire eventually walk into the sunset defeated and not getting her way, I will pay it. Fuck it!

YOU WON STORER, NOW GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND NO ONE GETS HURT (it's a song, not a threat, relax).

[chnt-confessions]

i think i'm the only person in the entire fandom that has any genuine empathy for elijah, and i'm stuck thinking there's something deeply wrong with me for that. i feel like quite a lot of people split black on him (and joshua) and then split white on jedidiah, and sydney. the ONLY two options are to dehumanize or objectify him. no hate to jedidiah-likers, but jedidiah is not a victim. he doesn't act entirely the way he does because of trauma, he acts that way because he implicitly looks down on sydney. what kind of man jeopardizes the entire world for a man that he let gravely sick in the first place, only to gaslight and neglect him?? all this because of mommy and daddy issues that, like, 70% of the population has?? i had to headcanon extra issues and trauma for him to just to keep myself sane. i don't mean to invalidate his trauma, but he has lived such a privileged life and can easily go to therapy and yet. i'm sorry but it's bojack-horseman levels of "how tf do you expect me to feel bad for you? lmao." like, i need him to get better because people will likely die if he gets any worse, but other than i couldn't care less about this guy. i'm way more sympathetic to sydney because he's trying his best but he seems to have an empathy deficiency of some kind (it's not his fault but it is painfully obvious sometimes and i wish i could fix him but i have to fix myself first because i also deal with this); i also relate to the "feeling unlovable" aspect of things.

we have only seen elijah at his worst. the elephant man is elijah "mental breakdown, 2 years and counting psychotic episode" core; did everyone just assume he was born like that? and if he was, that would also make me sad tbh. he had a similar upbringing to jedidiah and yet he does not show it at all and i'm wondering what tf was different. he also generally sucks at being a villain sometimes (i.e. telling sydney his weakness, letting sydney go back to jedidiah, reacting way better than most people would when sydney told him that he couldn't get the journals). when jedidiah says "sydney, you're always fine." vs when elijah says it; jedidiah said it to gaslight sydney and because he feels bitter about the fact he's working so hard to keep sydney alive and can't use it to manipulate him (i'm joking but i'm also not joking), while elijah was just being a little acolyte and also he's symbolically the earth, so when he says the earth will catch him when he falls, he is fr. idk what snapped in him with the murder-suicide thing but considering that he is the earth, and unfortunately due to sydney's weird little mind and jedidiah's horribleness, the earth is, like, post-apocalyptic now so it probably has something to do with that (idk why he switched from stabbing to burning alive; probably cuz of the theatrics/j). anyway, he does suck and he needs to go back to russia and never come back for everyone's good, but i really do think he would be better than jedidiah could ever be (yes, even with therapy; i'm literally speaking facts/hj) if "everyday [wasn't] a living fucking nightmare." and i'm constantly like "._." whenever i remember that jedidiah is the reason "everyday is a living fucking nightmare." also i really wanna see someone do elijah/the elephant man analysis/interpretation that doesn't reek of disgust and hatred (or lust; do whatever you want, but i'm judging you rn), just for variety tbh. here is his official playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/389N5sUULTXFC63I3CSn7c?si=756dacaa18cd491c some of the songs in here are, like, "???" and i want to see someone's else's take on them (even elijah haters tbh) sorry for the essay, that's all i wanted to say :)

also im so happy that i can say this anonymously, thank you chnt-confessions for doing god's work, i love you platonically <3

(ABOUT THE LAST PART) no need to apologize and I'm really glad to make you happy!!

[maxphilippa]

Microphone ii

Favorite thing about her: WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH. Oh my God she's like the best arc developed on season 2 and she is so consistent with everything and so so full of love and so complex and. I really just like the way she's written and how much respect they had for her once she was out on her own terms. Her design is one of my favorite things ever too, it's quite simple but so SO good and shaped, her main color being purple, her abilities, her love for others, how she doesn't want to hurt anybody. I just like everything about her. How she as a person isn't flawless but is still full of love. How even if she has a gokden heart she can still stand up for herself and hold grudges. She's just. So important to me.

Least favorite thing about her: I have a lot to say when the things I don't like about her are her alliance with Taco (not because it's bad for the story, again, Mic's arc is beautifully written, but because Taco sucks and I can feel Mic on a emotional level) AND the what the Fanon did to her. They treated her so SO badly.

Favorite line: "So now, I'm making my first good choice."

brOTP: oj, trophy, nickel, soap, cheesy, fan, tissues- basically almost everyone at the hotel

OTP: microknife, micropick, micro4

nOTP: ... taco...

Random headcanon: Painting became a sort of therapy for her at some point post s2. She used to do it a lot when she was a kid, but now she's just getting back at it. However, she doesn't attend Paintbrush's classes because 1: she can't focus with many people and 2: she's more of painting landscapes or recreating photos. it really helps her with thinking. as well, even if she's somewhat decent at cooking, she's GREAT at baking. definitely one of her hobbies.

Unpopular opinion: SHE'S INSANELY BISEXUAL SHE LIKES MEN AND WOMEN 💥💥💥 but also, she's one of the characters that suffers the worst treatment on the way the fandom treats her, and usually misses the whole point with the toxic friendship he had with Taco.

No, Mic would never forgive Taco. Yes, she meant it when she said the thing about Pickle. Their thing is a really good example of an harmful relationship. As well, Knife and her being best friends instead of siblings is WAY better if you don't want the romance (even IF justin has stated on may 1st of 2023 that they're okay with others shipping them now, on twitter), and Knife's and Mic's arc is just very very underrated and like. Why. They're so important to eachother. Did you know that in A Song For Microphone, On Knife's Edge appears there for a segment? Their arcs are entwined and yet they're just pushed aside.

Also I just really don't like it when people mischaracterize her for ships or only remember she's there for ships.

Song I associate with her: Missing Hell, Hermit The Frog (Marina), HANSEL (Sodikken), Copacabana, Ancient Aliens, and Curses.

My favorite pic of her:

[mono-red-menace]

before moving from home my attitude was "i'm not disabled im not i'm not i'm not i just hurt a lot all the time and i struggle to get out of bed and standing is extremely painful and i collapse a LOT because my knee just gives out and i have painful snaps and pops as i walk, especially when i turn, but im not physically disabled im just a whiner it's actually not that bad."

and then i moved here and i started using a cane so i would stop collapsing and i realised HUH. this helps. and my gf kept saying "you're literally physically disabled. please stop pushing yourself to perform at the level of an able bodied person" and like. yk i started to realise. maybe i am disabled.

but i LOATHE being disabled yk. i hate that i can't do things that i like to do yk. i hate that cooking is hard on me and i LOVE to clean the house but its physically painful. i struggle to do anything other than lay in bed a lot of days bc im in a lot of pain and its just.

i want to push past the disability and be able to operate the way others do yk? i want to do things i enjoy and feel accomplished and worthwhile and stuff. but im disabled and it makes me mad.

i'm like SUPER ableist but only toward myself bc like that's just how my family was yk? like i have ALWAYS had a lot of pain from my waist down, from since i was a little kid, but i was always told that i'm just a baby and it's not that bad and i'm just faking because i don't want to do things, yk?

and i wasn't allowed to go to a doctor about the pain or anything i was just supposed to deal with it and work through it and if i didn't i was being lazy and bad.

but then i went to a doctor when i got here and he's like.

"damn you've got some pretty bad degeneration in your hips, and a hip impingement caused by these can deformities in the ball of your hip joint. like this could potentially be early onset osteoarthritis"

and i'm just like. "😰 wait so i do have a physical disability?"

i'm in physical therapy to try to make it manageable and it's helping me a lot, but it's not helping me to be like. Able-Bodied, yk? it's going to help me get to a point where i am not constantly at a like, 5/10 on pain. and the goal is to get me to start operating at a point where im close to able-bodied level, but i will always be physically disabled.

and that's not even touching on the mental disabilities yk. i refused for a very long time to acknowledge that my mental disabilities were disabilities bc i was abused for not being able to perform at the level im supposed to. because im "really smart," so obviously me "not trying" in school is because im lazy, not because im disabled. i was literally offered to move on to like, college when i was like 7 because i was excelling so far beyond my level in the state standardised tests and stuff (they would do like, assessments and stuff, and my math assessment i was already on high-school level when i was 7, and my reading level was Beyond College.) and i turned it down as a kid because i had made my first friend. i'm wondering if i should've taken it now yk, but i think i would've instantly been made aware of exactly how debilitating my ADHD is. but also maybe it would be more one-on-one and would be easier on me, who knows.

anyways.

i'm physically disabled.

and i'm mentally disabled.

and both of these things affect me severely in day-to-day life.

and i'm finally starting to admit it to myself.

but i still haven't fully gotten over the hump, bc i often feel like im a failure, and worthless, literally just because im disabled.

and. i feel like if i don't try to perform beyond my capabilities at all times, im being lazy, and letting the disability win, yk?

and PT is helping me like, mentally get to a point where i'm like, okay. it's okay that i can't perform at the same level as others my age.

but it still sucks bc it doesn't just affect the things i NEED to do, it affects the things I WANT to do.

[trans-axolotl]

do you know anything about late-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia? i just found it on my file while looking for something else. i have an unrelated surgery coming up and i'm trying to figure out if this could have any effect on how my body handles that, especially wrt cortisol. but i can't find much on it at all, particularly how it affects ppl beyond infertility and sex characteristics. my impression is that at least the classic variant of it sounds like something intersex-related so i thought you might have heard of it. i remember asking my doctors for more information and they were basically like "don't worry about it unless you wanna get pregnant :)"

Hey anon.

So, late onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia, also called nonclassic congenital adrenal hyperplasia, is considered an intersex variation. (If you search NCAH on my blog or on @intersex-support, you might find some other posts about it). Because of the way it affects our testosterone levels and secondary sex characteristics outside of what is typically considered "female", late onset CAH is intersex, even if late onset CAH hasn't caused changes in genitalia.

Of course, there's no pressure to instantly start referring to yourself as intersex, or start participating in intersex community, but know that you are welcome here, and there are a lot of people who understand what it's like. I also have CAH, and I'm always happy to talk about it with anyone else. I know that it can be sort of shocking or overwhelming to get that information for the first time. Any feelings you have about it are completely valid. You can take as much time as you need to process. The community is here for you whenever you're ready.

In terms of surgery and CAH, there are some important considerations. For people with NCAH, there's going to be a range for how each individual makes and processes cortisol and aldosterone. Some people need daily glucocorticoid replacement therapy while others do not. However, even if you do not need daily steroid replacement, some people with NCAH need extra "stress dosing" of glucocorticoids when their body is under physical stress, such as during illness, injury, or surgery. It would be really important to talk to your surgeon, an anesthesiologist, and probably an endocrinologist before the surgery to make sure you know what your cortisol and aldosterone production is and make a plan if you need stress dosing during surgery or surgery recovery.

One book I would recommend for people with CAH is the Parent's Guide to CAH. In a lot of ways this book kind of sucks--it's directed towards parents, uses a lot of cissexist language, and uses a very medicalized model, but has some of the clearest nonacademic writing about what CAH is, how it works, treatment options, and talks about different considerations like surgery, illness, etc.

Please feel free to reach back out with any other questions, whether it's about CAH, intersex stuff, or if you want suggestions on any other resources. Thinking of you, anon, and hope your surgery goes well! 💜💛💜

[christinapotter09]

Hotd s2 ep2 reaction

uhmm the scenes with the blooded sheets and the funeral...

I... Otto is not a politician, he's a vermin spreading propaganda at the expense of the sanity of his family, I believe he even knows it is his awful child and grandchildren that can't keep it together, he was there all along and he tries to push everything to the brink because the cause is already lost for the greens.

the greens in general need therapy from creepy aemond momma issues targaryen who seems not to give a shit about what has befallen his family (I'm sorry for the heleana x aemond fans for this, that episode would have been the perfect opportunity if there was something between them but even if there is in future episodes, he sucked, he couldn't even be there as a brother to her, he preffered the brothels instead of being there if not for aegon at a humane level at least to Heleana who he seemed to barely like in s1) , to poor Heleana and raging Aegon, the incompetence of their mother to console them, her hypocricy and foulness are only making them victims of their own problems, the red keep is a sad infested place with awful and/or tragic people

speaking of awful people

I can't deal with this thing anymore, it's not about his hatred of Rhaenyra, he soils everything he touches, or even looks at, I hope he dies in his vomit

and Daeron in Old town? lololol you suddenly decided to sprout him in s2?

now to the blacks.... POOR RHAENYRA TARGARYEN poor thing! she's been undermined by so many people in her life and I think in this episode she realised it, she's been through so much by everyone and now she's finally getting in the path to make her own decisions. I'm a daemyra fan and I think the talk she had with Daemon was a reality check for the both of them, they said things to each other that are not true but they also spoke some big truths, their relationship is complicated and in many times harmful for the both of them, they erode each other and this was a good time to talk to each other, even if it was in the shade of everything, they had to finally speak, take out all the venom that festered in them because for a few short years, they had a good family life but it was all because Viserys lived and indeed, his inability to set the record straight wile alive is why both greens and blacks suffer now, if he had kept alicent in check if he hadn't been weak with Otto and proud only in his undermining of Daemon and if he had respected Rhaenyra, things would have played out differently and now both Daemon and Rhaenyra face the consequences because the throne is also something they both deserved by laws, Viserys took and gave as he liked and that's why everyone is in shit now.

as for Daemon denying all responsibility for his actions and the mistake (he refused to tell her he said a son for a son because he knows he's already in the dragonhouse) while Rhae is getting all the shade and reputation....

he has an issue with accountability just like Alicent and Aemond do and this is not the trait of a leader...

the scene of Baela and Jace was so beautiful and Baela is there for her step momma and I love my girl, also the scene with Missaria was very good, the fight between the twins.... the tragedy of it the destruction of civil war that will only get uglier once the dragons get actively involved, the loyalty people show to Rhaenyra and the love, I can't

in general it was a good episode that showed the deep issues the Targaryen dynasty suffered before their eventual downfall

[realhotgirlshitah]

Interview with Jack and Liv

Jack Champion x black! fem oc

(warning: attempt of humour and fluff)

In which these two idiots can't even answer one question seriously in an interview.

"Ready Champion?"

"Whenever you are Thompson,"

"Right, let's get started,"

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

"Mind control would easily be my first choice," I immediately answered.

" You answered that a little too quickly, Liv, pretty scary if you ask me,"

"Lemme guess, your choice would be the ability to fly?"

A long pause.

"No it wouldn't," he glared at me, obviously mad that I'd figured it out immediately.

"Don't even try lying Jack, it's old and borderline basic, just like you,"

"Okay first of all rude, second of all, I wouldn't choose that first I'd actually choose-

"Super strength?" I cocked an eyebrow at him in amusement.

Another long pause.

"Next question please,"

What were your first impressions of each other?

"I thought she was really intimidating to be honest," Jack admitted.

"You're joking," I laughed.

"No, I remember we were working on the movie and for the first two weeks, you were really serious, like I never saw you smiling,"

"I was in the middle of preparing for my exams back home!"

"I didn't know it at the time! I genuinely believed you didn't like me at all,"

"Looks like I'm not the only over thinker here," i grinned.

"Leave me alone,"

"Well at first I thought that J was really arrogant, loud, boisterous, immature and annoying,"

Pause.

"But?"

"There isn't a but, that's it. My feelings have not changed in any way whatsoever,"

"Oh fuck off,"

What's Olivia's best quality and feature?

"Well along with being crazy smart, Liv's hands down the most hilarious person I've ever met, I'm never not laughing when she's around, as for her best feature, she has really nice eyes,"

"That's a bit of a basic one," I complained.

"But it's true, you have really nice eyes, they're super dark and mysterious with an alluring aura radiating off of them,"

"Did you read that in a book and decided to finally use it in an interview to sound smart?"

"Ding ding ding, you caught me," he put his hands up in defeat before giving me a cheeky smile, I meant what I said though,"

"Of course you did Champion," I deadpanned with an eye roll.

What's Jack's best quality and feature?

"He can be quite thoughtful, a year ago, we were drinking a salted caramel iced coffee which I mentioned ONCE that I loved and for my birthday two months ago, he got me five boxes full of the syrup they used,"

"Oh that was fun,"

"In regards to best features, I'd say your lips, they're quite nice,"

He smirked smugly and tilted his head to the side before responding.

"You know, they're not just aethestically pleasing, there's a lot of girls who rave about how good of a kisser I am,"

"If you carry on talking, I will kick you in the balls so hard you'll want to die,"

What's your favourite thing to do together?

Me and Jack looked at each other trying to think of an answer.

"We haven't really got a specific activity that we do consistently together, do we?" he asked.

"No, we don't, but my favourite thing to do with you is listen in on your French work when getting ready for an exam or something, your pronunciation is atrocious, Jack"

"It's not that bad! I'm an A plus student!" He replied indignantly.

"That's because to pass languages all you have to do is not be complete dog shit and just wing an answer, I can guarantee if you came over to the UK and took A Level French, you’d despise it,"

"My favourite thing to watch you do is study for a theory test for your licence, you suck at it and you suck at driving too,"

"How would you know?"

"I've seen the look on your instructor's face after a lesson, Olivia, I hope you pay for his therapy afterwards,"

"Oh suck it sideways,"

What is the most annoying thing about Olivia?

"Ooo this'll be a fun one," Jack rubbed his hands together in anticipation before letting out an almighty yell when I thumped him in the arm. "I haven't even said anything yet!"

"The look on your face said it all,"

"Apart from her tendency to go straight to violence, her ability to speak five different languages is excruciatingly annoying, I can't do my French work around her at all,"

"There's no switching to German, Mandarin, Spanish or Japanese either," I winked at the camera.

What's the most annoying thing about Jack?

"Where do I even start?"

"Hey! Keep it short and mean," he crossed his arms at me in annoyance.

"It's always girls following him everywhere we go, I dragged him to go shopping with me just last week so he could carry my bags and as soon as we arrived, a group of girls just materialised out of nowhere???"

"What can I say? I have a very magnetic aura that people tend to gravitate to,"

"You are a literal joke,"

What's Jack's type?

"Me," I mouthed to the camera earning a very dirty look from Jack. "What? Fucking hell tough crowd,"

"You're a nightmare, Thompson, answer the question properly,"

"Jack likes girls that are funny, intelligent, match his sarcasm, loyal and sweet,"

"You didn't quite make that cut at that last part did you, Liv?"

"Ah so you admit that I'm funny, intelligent and loyal," I grinned at him devilishly

"Next question please!"

What's Olivia's type?"

"Oh gosh," I covered my face in embarrassment.

"Intelligent, Liv loves smart guys,"

"Who doesn't love a good nerd?"

"Funny, matches her energy, loyal, charming, sharp, good hair, a good listener, and kind,"

"Very specific, Jackson,"

Well all I had to do was describe mysel- WAIT LIV, COME BACK,"

Olivia's celebrity crush?

"Do you want just one, or do you want me to list the 50 she comes up with every day?"

"You're such a bum,"

"Well apart from me, Pedro Pascal, President Fitzgerald Grant the third, Megan Thee Stalliom, Kehlani, Daniel Kaluuya-

"Okay Jack-

"Ooooo Letitia Wright-

"THAT'S ENOUGH JACK, FUCKING HELL,"

Jack’s celebrity crush?

"Me, I'm his celebrity crush,"

"Yes Olivia, I'm hopelessly in love with you,"

"There's also SZA, Angela Basset, Margot Robbie, Bella Hadid, Serena Williams, Lizzo, Naomi Campbell- she was his first one, Beyoncé-

"Okay I think that's enough," Jack scratched the back of his neck bashfully.

"Ooo Coco Jones, also Megan Thee Stallion, Duckie Thot, Marsai Martin, Anok Yai, Ice Spice, Madelyn Cline-

"OLIVIA!"

"What? TRUST I was gonna get my lick back,"

What’s your party trick?

“Well apart from showing off my gorgeous muscles, I’m a pretty good dancer,” Jack smirked.

“Show them your moves mama,” I mirrored his smile knowing exactly what was coming.

The entire studio watched in amusement as Jack got up from his chair and started to do the dougie. Was it predictable? Maybe. Was he fucking that shit up? Oh absolutely.

“Ouuuuu go on, don’t hurt em now white boy,”

“Liv also taught me how to throw it around in a circle but we’ll save that for next time,” the brunette panted while getting back into his chair.

“You know you not that bitch or nothing but you still ate that lil one thing,” I quoted with a grin.

“I know that’s right!”

“Y’all will never guess who taught him that,”

“This gal!” Jack pointed at me enthusiastically.

“You’re so corny,” I laughed adoringly at him.

Olivia what’s your party trick?

“Knowing every Megan thee Stallion song bar for bar, word for word, the woman does no wrong in my eyes,”

“Can confirm, we put it to the test while filming, it’s very impressive,” Jack nodded.

“I can also take my box braids down REALLY quickly when I’m focused,”

“The problem is she struggles to focus when undoing her hair, so I help her take it out,”

“You like taking it out and detangling it though,” I pointed out.

“Very true, I think it’s incredibly therapeutic,”

If you could switch lives with anyone for a day, who would it be?

"Hmmm, that's a tough one," I said, tapping my chin. "I think I'd switch lives with Jeff Bezos and donate a bunch of his money to charity,"

"Wow, you're such a saint," Jack said sarcastically. "I think I'd switch lives with Elon Musk and take his Tesla for a joyride,"

"You do realize that's technically stealing, right?"

"Yours is technically embezzlement," he shrugged.

I shook my head. “That’s not fair, I’m giving it to people who need it more!”

“Tell that to the judge, Thompson,”

You're impossible,"

"That's why you love me," he replied with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of my lips. Despite his borderline obnoxious personality, I couldn't deny that Jack was one of my closest friends and I enjoyed his company more often than not.

“Is there one last thing you guys would like to say before we cut?”

“Olivia Tinashe Thompson is the best person I’ve ever met and worked with, I really hit the jackpot when this one decided to become my friend and I honestly hope this isn’t our last time working together, even if I can be a pain,”

I was taken aback by his earnest confession and glanced at him to find out he was already staring at me with what one could only call adoration and love.

“You really have a way with words don’t you?” I smiled softly.

“What can I say? You bring it out in me,”

Finally the interview was over and we said our goodbyes to the crew and staff before making our way out to exit the building.

“When we get home, could you help me take these braids out? I have a hair appointment tomorrow,” I smiled sweetly at him as he held the door open for me.

“I’ll do you one better and wash you hair for you when we’re done,”

“Are you just saying that to get in the shower with me?” I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously.

“My girlfriend knows me so well,��� Jack grinned at me before wrapping his arm around my waist as we left the building. I couldn't help but feel grateful for the unexpected friendship (and poorly kept secret of a relationship) that had blossomed between me and Jack. Maybe we were both idiots, but at least we were idiots together.

My first one shot, pls be nice y’all i promise i’ll get better lol.

[kodas]

do u mind if i ask! did u coin the term "headlights" for your system / system adjacent thing (sorry i struggle to know what to call every individuals whole brain gang aaa) or is it an already existing term :o the way u described it really resonated a lot with me!!!

hi!! I'm pretty sure I can't be the only system using the phrase but you got me kinda curious because for the life of me I could Not Remember LOL

rambling below:

I looked back through my chat and notion history and it seems like before 2016 I was just calling them Shapes. but back in 2016/17 that became "parts of headspace" when attempting to integrate my 'parts' and evaluate them through a singlet lens with IFS therapy, which uses the word "part". at the time I hesitated with words like 'alter' and insisted I wasn't plural bc I didn't experience time loss. "it's just heavy dissociation & lots of things dysregulating me, I'm sure" lol (also it turns out I do experience time loss and I didn't realize all that it encompasses, womp)

by 2019 I was saying "brain lights" because it felt like it described how parts of me were flickering on and off. by this point I understood all these "Parts" equally identified with being "me, Koda", just with some different values/preferences, responses to stimuli, and levels of dysregulation - and alter still didn't feel like the right word. like yeah they're different but they're all wearing the same uniform and on the same team but have Specific Jobs. and they kinda suck at jobs that aren't their Specific Job. even just eating is a Job that only one of them can Do. (...which should have told me something ffs lol) yet "alter" still felt off limits!!!! like I had osdd but I still felt like it wasn't my territory "enough" to use that word so I had this Long Roundabout Concept that would get shortened to Brain Lights

by 2020/21 'head lights' became the go-to version of that explanation/phrase with my loved ones. I think it was because around this time I was finally drawing my lights abstracted as critters and Talking about it with partners and close friends and they were saying "headlights" Back to me and seeing me (us!!) -- which made the phrase really affirming, it just stuck!! and if it resonates with you I'm glad my scrambling around may have benefited anyone outside of just my selves LOL 💜

[windvexer]

(Scrupulosity Anon) I want to thank you for your very kind, compassionate, and generously thoughtful answer. That Home is what I do seek, have always sought, and have never found in Christianity. The other post was indeed helpful, as as you might have guessed, internalized scientism has been what I fell back on for most of my life (and still slip on occasionally for safety), and the imagery you used resonated deeply. If I may ask one more question, which you are, of course, perfectly within your rights not to answer: how, and why is it that you came to find that Christianity was not your Home, and how do you reconcile that with not being a "bad person"? There is a part of me, encouraged (and perhaps created) by that aggravating outer source that insists that one day, I'll "see the error of my sinful ways" and succumb to Him, or "be so broken that I'll let Him into my heart," even though I've been reaching for Him all my life, to no avail.

For myself, I can't equate Fear with Love. I can't reject or condemn myself, or other people for who and how they love. I also feel like I can't trust my mind, which has been actively antagonistic to me my whole life (and insists, in my weaker moments, that if I renounce and repent, I'll be Accepted). How did you come to terms with, and celebrate, your Otherness?

Hello again, Anon.

I'm not sure I can answer your questions so I'll answer something a little to the left instead.

I enjoy speaking in flowery metaphor, and if we wanted to really dig into the theory and metaphysics of witchcraft, I think I could defend this "Home" thing on a sorcerous level.

But when I left Christianity, I had no notions of spiritual Home, no idea that Christianity was just not right for some people, and I had zero ideations that I was on a journey to find a spiritual home or family.

I left Christianity because it made me feel bad. That's the long and short of it. There was a lot of soul-searching, yeah. But that soul-searching pretty much began and ended at, "wow, this is making me so unhappy that I'm willing to risk hell just so I don't have to do it any more. That means I should quit, right?"

It was never much of a concern to me that I was a bad person. Three of our pastors had affairs in a small time frame. I figured God had pretty much lost the morality argument at that point.

I think my real answer (regardless of whatever questions you've asked) was that despite how bad it was for me, leaving Christianity sucked very bad and it continued to be an awful transition for years and years.

I have a vivid memory of when I formally renounced Christianity (an unnecessary step, but one I felt motivated to take). I perceived myself floating in an infinite black void, totally untouched by the light of spiritual protection or the foundation of religious dogma. What an awful feeling.

I was miserable. And there was no one idea about religion, home, or Otherness that made a lightbulb click for me and say, "oh! That's alright I'm not a Christian then."

It was all just living my life. My faith is built on a foundation of thousands of moments of daily life over the years where I continuously tried to support myself in moving away from something I knew was bad for me, even if I didn't know where I was going.

And very slowly - sometimes at a standstill, and sometimes at leaps and bounds - I turned that infinite black void of spiritual isolation into a mosaic built out of the plain stones of ordinary experience. Something to stand on.

These moments of experience were built on introspection, self-therapy, coping techniques, and education. They were moments when I asked myself what was worth living for, what it meant to be a good person, who I was, and what was right to do with myself. Some of the moments were deep and beautiful. Some of them were moments of screaming stubbornness where I had no thoughts at all except that I couldn't go back.

Most of them were plain. Forgettable. Mundane.

Over time, that infinite void became a little platform where I could rest and breathe before jumping back into the dark waters and pulling out another stone. A lot of the time, I just distracted myself with divination, spirit work, and sorcery - and then I looked around, and saw my platform had grown. A lot of the time I tried to ignore it. Sometimes I tried to work on myself on purpose.

And, slowly, all the shapeless phantoms and mirages I cursed and fought in the sea of isolation revealed themselves as friends, allies, and family. It began to dawn on me that the entire time, what I was really looking for was home - and that I'd found it long before I knew I wanted it. I turned around one day and the platform was a house.

All of this was just doing the only thing I could do: going to find rocks to pile up so I had a place to rest.

So I think all of this is why I can't really answer your question about how I didn't know what was Home, and reconciling those teachings, and finding Otherness, and celebrating it. All of it is ten years of just carrying on.

I think that's the very boring thing about all of this. Being a Christian sucked for me, but despite how miserable I was, leaving it sucked and finding out how to be without it sucked too. There was no technique, ritual, or whatever, that fixed me. I still am not fixed. I just had a driving force that goaded me to go fishing for stones.

Maybe that's how Otherness is celebrated; that there's no correct course of living to be the best kind of funky little freak you can be. But just that you've got to carry on.

Maybe we've all just got to not give up. I think that's a nice thought.

I wish you all the best, Anon. It's a hard path to walk, but I wish you many rocks in your pockets.

[collectorcookie]

fandom/game vent

tw: csa

Uuugghgggh. Idk why but nothing feels right lately.

On one hand, the enstars fixation died down A LOT. Great for my bank account tbh, i don't wanna spend another cent on gacha games. My brain is free🎉🎉🎉

And rather than feeling this pressure of "omg i must grind new events and get new cards" or "omg there are so many event stories i missed out on" or "i must grind every single new song on all difficulty levels for dia" i just. Don't do that anymore lol. I actually just play the songs whenever i actually feel like playing any and i read only the stories that actually interest me. Which definitely aren't a lot tbh. (still waiting on that knights climax tl) but yeah i'm basically reading 0 stuff from engstars.

So if you wanna break free from a gacha game sucking your soul, I think the reason why the enstars fixation died down so much for me is a combination of

burning myself out trying to get cards

getting bluetooth headphones (which basically make it impossible to play the game with headphones)

turning the BP game notification off

Engstars TLs getting worse than fan TLs

Obviously i still have basic but since i can't read japanese, i can't stress myself over reading new stories because i can't read anything at all. Yaaaay. I have evolved into a casual player.

Now. On the other hand. The new fixation. My beloved wizards. Mahoyaku.

I'm gonna be so honest, i kinda hate it here.

Don't get me wrong, i love the game, i love the story, i love the characters. But the fans. The fans man.

Like with enstars fandom, i started out with tumblr, and sure, i had to occasionally block some people and filter out some stuff, but that was it. That was enough for me to be able to chill and actually be comfortable in the enstars fandom space on tumblr.

Now, there are basically no mhyk fans on tumblr. Ok fine. Guess i'll go on twitter instead. So i made a twt account.

I truly cannot explain to you how much i should not have done that.

Like, ok, LOTS MORE fanart which is great. Fantastic. Lovely. However, a lot of proshippers. Many many proshippers. Like i do not have that much experience in fandom spaces in the first place but i swear the amount of proshippers is disproportionately large in mhyk fandom, on twt at least.

Ok another warning for talk about csa if you somehow didn't catch the one above

I think it's obvious from my blog here alone how much i like northfam, especially Snow and White. To be so honest, Snow and White were the biggest hesitation for me to NOT get into mhyk because we all know the "child looking character is actually over 2000 y.o." is NEVER handled well in fiction. Well, i ended up reading mhyk anyways, and to my relief, s&w's child forms do not get sexualized ever. Thank god.

But like mentioned before, this is not the case for the fandom. Not only do i always end up finding people shipping s&w together, but also many other of my faves, like oz and arthur (foster father and son) or mitile and figaro (student and teacher). Which i do not want to see ever, and the thing with twt is, you can't tag and filter stuff like on here. And even after being on twt for...idk how many months, i STILL end up seeing stuff i would like to stay 4869761093 lightyears away from.

I've been trying to do everything, from blocking to muting words to clicking the three dots on each individual post i don't want to see for the "please don't show me stuff like this". AND IT STILL HAPPENS.

Idk man...as a csa survivor myself it feels so hopeless...like is it really worth it here if i'll just keep finding stuff that triggers me? Is it worth meeting new people and constantly being on edge if this new fan thinks being proship is ok?

I really did like making fanart for fandom purposes, it made me draw a lot more, but between my dying interest in enstars and mhyk fandom thinking the stuff that has and will put me in therapy for decades is hot. I don't feel like interacting with fandom that much anymore ngl....and that makes me genuinely sad. Idk maybe this is a depressive episode that will go away but i feel so tired for now....hobbies are supposed to be fun....

[honeysuckle-venom]

Warnings for: discussion of dieting/intentional weight loss, medical issues, eating disorders, and related topics

Here's the thing. On a general level, I don't believe in dieting. I think it's bad for you, the science shows it almost never works, it makes people miserable, it usually comes from an unhealthy place, and it encourages unhealthy behaviors. And. At the same time. I have a rare disease that could potentially have very dangerous complications if untreated/if it progresses, and it seems to be progressing. And genuine research has shown a significant correlation between developing hepatic adenomas/having more adenomas/having more growth in your adenomas and "obesity." Now, there are links between lots of things and "obesity" and often not nearly enough research is done into WHY and whether any correlations actually have anything to do with causality. And I don't fully know why obesity and hepatic adenomas are correlated, I have to talk to my hepatologist about it, though from what my dad found in his research he suspects it's a combination of adipose tissue producing more estrogen and potentially other metabolic effects (more research/answers are needed there). If someone says "being fat makes you unhealthy in x way" I always want to know the underlying mechanisms there, because it's never that simple. But the point is that it does look like, in this case, hepatic adenomas and obesity are at the very least significantly correlated.

There are not a lot of treatment options for hepatic adenomas. The first step is always going off any hormonal birth control, which I did a year ago. If things shrink, great, you can keep monitoring and hope that things stay shrinking or at least stable and probably leave it at that. If, however, things continue to grow, well that becomes concerning, because the larger the tumors are the more risk there is of them rupturing or becoming cancerous. If your tumors are larger than 5cm, like mine, and not shrinking or goodness forbid growing then just continuing to monitor may not be a safe long term solution. So you'll have to look at other treatment options, none of which are great.

The next step in trying to get them to shrink after stopping birth control is almost always weight loss. Because the only other options are a) transarterial embolization (a very gross procedure I looked up that I'm terrified of having to do in which blood flow is cut off from the tumors), b) ablation (which isn't recommended for tumors larger than 3cm which mine are), c) liver resection (which I'm pretty sure I'm not a candidate for because I have too many large tumors in too many places, and anyway is a very scary and risky surgery with months of recovery) and finally d) liver transplant (an ever scarier and riskier surgery with significant risks of mortality). And as much as I don't believe in or want to diet, the other options are worse.

Which means that it is very likely that in a few weeks, when my therapist gets back from vacation, I will be seriously attempting to lose weight for the first time since I was an anorexic teenager. And I don't want to, I so don't want to, but I suspect it's going to be the best choice out of a group of bad ones. But I'm so scared. I'm already having crazy relapse thoughts, I'm already struggling with horrible OCD food research spirals and calorie counting and thinking about food for hours and hours and hours each day. And it sucks. My hope is that it will actually get slightly better if I genuinely try to lose weight with my therapist and use a detailed meal plan, because then it will at least be set in stone and not just me panicking indecisively about everything. It'll be predetermined in therapy, so I won't have to spend hours thinking about it on my own. But I don't know, it still feels very risky for my mental health. I know how easy it is for me to obsessively count and calculate everything and how much that sucks and how much I hate it even as I can't stop myself. And I'm just. I'm just so stressed about the whole thing. Also like, it almost feels like it would be a slight betrayal of my values, because I really don't believe in dieting and I hate diet culture and love the anti-diet and fat acceptance movements. But at the same time I wouldn't be doing it to look better or whatever, I'd be doing it with the very specific goal of hopefully shrinking my tumors. And if I do go down this path and it turns out that the main reason obesity and hepatic adenomas are correlated is indeed higher estrogen in fatty tissue I'm going to talk to my doctors about monitoring my estrogen levels, so that I'm looking at the underlying cause and trying to focus on that number instead of just the number on the scale. But idk. This whole thing just. It just sucks and it's scary and I'm in awful OCD hell and I really wish my therapist wasn't away for the next week and a half.

[lunar-years]

royKeeleys really were done incredibly dirty so I do feel bad. but a lot of stuff I see people say about them or how the show shorted them just does not make sense to me lol.

(I also felt like him kneeling was never a sign that the show was taking his knee problems seriously and that it was a Big Deal he was kneeling. They bring it up and then immediately forget about it over and over. One day he can’t run or walk up stairs, the next he’s running miles upon miles with Jamie)

YEAH!! I think I might be in the minority in that while I did/do love roykeeley in season 2 and in general, I was actually kind of hoping for a breakup when I went into s3 and I wasn't at all sad when it happened 🫢 To me, this was something that actually was foreshadowed at the end of s2, so much so that it almost felt... inevitable? There were so many cracks there and the breakup kind of felt necessary. The problem was that they never went anywhere good with it.

So while I definitely agree that their arc was done dirty, I disagree with a lot of the reasons people like to list for HOW they were done dirty (e.g., the writers were wrong simply for breaking them up, it was mean to tease them sleeping together only to not have them immediately back together the next episode, Roy was supposed to propose/keeley was supposed to be pregnant 🤢, Keeley's arc was bad for the exclusive reason that it didn't revolve around Roy, etc.)

The biggest problems with s3 roykeeley were actually (imo):

breaking them up should have been the conduit for individual growth and addressing the personal issues that led to the break up for BOTH of them, but then they only tried to go that route with Roy whilst actually making Keeley REGRESS and never directly acknowledging, let alone resolving, any of her problems

roy's apology was non-specific if not downright Bad i'm sorry; he never tells Keeley why he broke up with her in any meaningful way

they never got the really good conversation i wanted to them to have (and feel their storyline desperately needed & deserved) about where they went wrong/how they're trying to fix it

too much happened offscreen. I think the offscreen breakup would've been fine if they'd then followed it up with the above bullet points, but you can't have an offscreen breakup that's then never discussed and is followed by an offscreen hookup followed by one conversation that gets interrupted before it even really begins. like what WAS that??

The breakup alone wasn't the problem! them not getting back together also wasn't the problem! it's just that none of it was done purposefully enough and Keeley's individual arc sucked bad

//

That's such an interesting perspective on Roy's knee stuff!! I don't think I really share that complaint, because I think it's easy enough to assume that some days his knee is really a Problem and other days it's mostly fine. He's never going to be able to keep up a professional athlete's level of activity again, but I really like that they show him running with Jamie. I think it highlights that their training is something that's good for both of them, because Roy is definitely the sort to forgo his physical therapy and not take care of himself. But I assume that keeping active actually helps him on the days when it's a struggle to say, go up the stairs. And they do show that he can't quite keep up with Jamie and gets exhausted much quicker.

So i dunno, I don't think the show is ignoring his problems, so much setting a balance between "Roy suffers chronic knee problems due to repeated injuries" and "he also is learning to take better care of himself and let other people help him so that the injury no longer has to dictate his life."

(okay editing to add: in rereading your first sentence on it I actually think i do agree with you, lmao. I just wasn't fully understanding at first. Yeah the writers FOR SURE weren't consciously thinking Roy Kneeling = a Sign That He Cares Extra About Keeley because it Hurts His Knee but he's willing to Endure The Pain just for her. which is how some people spin it, lmao. "Roy only kneels for Keeley wow he's so brave and in love!!" Like, no? ...sometimes the man just kneels?)

[nautilusopus]

2, 8, 13, 17

oh my god i can't fucking copy paste text into this thing FUCKING TUMBLR GOD

a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

i had to switch to html mode to get that in i hate it here

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk i could see arguments for any of them potentially doing either. mostly i'm just cranky everyone gets the flavour wrong

common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

well it's ffvii so christ where to start

the fact that cloud joins the military in so much fanfic shit and immediately has everyone in soldier fawning over him because he's just so gosh darned cute is fucking infuriating. he was a friendless loser with an abrasive attitude and that is actually massively fucking important to not just his character arc but the plot of the game what are you doing

i don't even know why you'd do that even if you liked the shitty spinoffs. like, doesn't it fucking invalidate how meaningful it was that zack got attached to him in spite of that anyway if everyone likes him? i thought you fuckers liked that shit.

worst blorboficiation

sephiroth. people keep writing him as like........... emotionally self-aware and level-headed enough to help cloud grow and learn to navigate his own anxieties and i'd go "did you even play the fucking game" but i know sadly that for most people in the fandom the answer is literally "no"

god i hate it here i can't believe i missed the days of sephiroth being written as Cold Rational Logicman (which is also wrong and sucks shit but it was closer than therapy speak asshole)

actually while we're here it's also kind of a major fucking plot point that sephiroth didn't know he was an experiment. like it's kind of a big fucking deal that he didn't know he was an experiment. please stop giving him a Dissection Childhood for added whump points. like i get people wanna see him all sad and then go "well no wonder he's angry people were so mean to him" but there's more ways than just dissection that you can have a horrible childhood with your garbage dad

there should be more of this type of fic/art

can i have some fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh plot

i hate how utterly homogeneous the fic landscape has become and it's not even in service of anything cool. like, fic has always been consistently the same amount of dogshit i'm not saying people were better writers back then lmao let's not kid ourselves, but people would just go for the most wild ambitious shit. you'd never get "the planet gets invaded by lizards who it turns out were wiped out by the cetra and also cloud was secretly like in a goku situation" these days

please just get weird with it i beg of you

[boblittlepage-blog]

Might As Well Move The Discussion Over Here...

Is this pretty much what you're after, Indy?

Spoiler warning, "top surgery" ain't gonna give you that. Something more like this, if you're lucky...

They're generally a bit more careful with reductions, where they suck out the excess breast tissue, ala' liposuction, and try to keep scarring to a minimum, since it is a cosmetic procedure (just a couple of small scars were the suction bit went in, recovery in a matter of days).

A complete mastectomy, however, is major surgery, and they're not so genteel, where they cut you open and start scraping out everything, requiring the much bigger scars seen above, which also tends to destroy all the nerve endings and mess up the muscles for a good long while. Tough to get much done when you can't move your arms, and you get the added bonus of a helluva lot more pain (not the type you enjoy) and no longer being able to feel your chest, because all those nerve endings got scraped out along with the breast tissue, and probably a few lymph nodes while they were at it. It's not terribly precise.

Indy, I don't care what you call yourself, or how you identify. I've said it over and over again, yes, your tits are way too big for you, puberty was a bitch in that regard, and it makes sense on a number of levels, both physically and psychologically, to reduce them down to something more suitable. Reducing them down to something like the top picture would probably do more for you than another ten years of therapy, maybe even get you to the right headspace where you can finally tackle the really big trauma and actually resolve your issues once and for all. A double radical mastectomy would only pile on yet another massive trauma. And it would be going too far.

So, if advocating for minimal surgical intervention instead of standing by and cheering while you happily walk into the meat grinder and wreck your health makes me some kind of monster...I think that says more of the accusers than it does about me.

Correcting a physical problem is fine, I encourage it. All I'm advising is caution. This is the only body you're gonna get. Don't fuck it up over a personality issue.

That's it, I'm done. The rest is on you. Don't do something stupid and irreversible.

[scaryscarecrows]

What does the rest of the militia think of each member of the squad and the Arkham Knight?

Antoine: Okay, so the boss is a nut--

Jason: HEY!

Antoine: You did the Hamlet thing with a severed head.

Jason: ...that's true.

Antoine: I know. I was there. Frank yelled at you. Anyways, so there's that. Jimmy...is also a nut, honestly, and if he hits any more bears I'm not recommending him for jobs.

Jimmy: You will. I'm too good.

Antoine: I will not recommend you for jobs I am also in.

Jimmy: Lies.

Antoine: Mark scares me and I'm still sorry for that time I got stabbed and almost died--

Mark: NOT SORRY ENOUGH. You fucked off into the swamp a month later.

Antoine: ...sorry about that?

Mark: FOOOOOOOOL.

Antoine: Riley also scares me, but like, in an impressed way.

Riley: B)

Antoine: Trent should've been a chiropractor, really--

Trent: ...how much does that pay, actually?

Antoine: And Frank is awesome, even if his gumbo opinions are Wrong and Bad.

Frank: HEM. Boy, I have told you a thousand times, I'm older, my opinions are RIGHT. Never mind. Antoine's a good kid, even if he has no respect for proper gumbo.

Antoine: Gumbo is literally my state's official thing--

Frank: And somehow you do it wrong anyway. Jimmy's got the self-preservation of a toddler. Genius with computers, but. God help him.

Jimmy: God is horrified by me.

Frank: ...maybe so, son. Maybe so. The hypocrite in me says the boss needs therapy, but you don't see me in there.

Jason: Therapy's dangerous in Gotham.

Frank: Everything's dangerous in Gotham, apparently. Riley needs a leash.

Riley: I do not!

Frank: You sat yourself on a FAULTY Dragon drone and got Jimmy to fly you halfway across the compound before it crashed. And you blew up the kitchen.

Riley: ...YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

Frank: -.- Trent got stuck in a Bug that one time, but other than that, he's not nearly as reckless as some of these dopes.

Trent: I'm the Golden Child.

Riley: Because you're harder to hurt, you do stupid shit with the rest of us--

Trent: Prove it, little man.

Riley: I WILL.

Frank: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Mark...probably needs to chill out sometimes, but he's a good doctor. Good man. Mostly.

Mark: Humph. All of these dumbasses need leashes. Frank needs it less, but I have seen him, with my own two eyes, ignore basic safety--

Frank: One time, man, because I needed to feel somethin' out, gloves make that hard--

Mark: You got third-degree burns and needed stitches. Every single one of them needs a leash. It'd help my stress levels.

Jimmy: You and Antoine need to lower your stress levels. I only hit ONE bear.

Mark: And me. And the Knight. And who knows what else*?

Jimmy: Whatever. Riley scares me. He does it on purpose.

Riley: YOU LOCKED MY E-MAIL!

Jimmy: It's my only defense! Trent scares me a little less, but there was that time he picked me up by surprise and WOW, I thought I'd have a heart attack.

Trent: That was the OD on energy juice, dude.

Jimmy: ...that makes more sense than it should. Shit. Never mind. The boss also scares me, but, like, differently. Um...Frank worries too much. I only really fucked up one time--

Frank: You knocked yourself out on your own desk.

Jimmy: The boss scared the crap outta me!

Jason: Don't blame me, I knocked.

Jimmy: I didn't hear it! It sucks, working with real ninjas.

Riley: You think we're bad? We're not. We're nice. Jimmy just has tunnel vision when he gets into something, that's all. It's kind of impressive. Trent and the boss are both a fucking challenge, actually, and it's been a long time since I've been around people like that. Honestly, Mark scares me. Like. I know it's supposed to be 'do no harm', but I think he would harm to heal.

Mark: If it came down to it, I might.

Riley: Brr. Anyways, don't let Antoine fool you. He's a nut, too, he's just better at hiding it than the rest of us. And so's Frank. No one ever believes me, but he rigged a grill onto a Rattler. I saw it.

Frank: You did not.

Riley: I DID. I'll prove it one day.

Frank: :)

Trent: Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Frank: You don't.

Riley: HAHA!

Trent: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Riley: NO!

Trent: You can't do anything about it, either. :) He's so fun to goad. If you stick your hand out when he's charging, and catch his head, he'll pinwheel and holy shit it's funny. Mark blusters, and yeah, okay, he's a hardass like no other, but it's out of worry.

Mark: It is not.

Trent: Sure, buddy. Anyways, the boss is...you can't tell him I said this, but Christ alive, he's an idealist. An infectious idealist, which is such bullshit. Jimmy's just a flaming hot disaster on wheels--

Jimmy: A productive, sexy flaming hot disaster on wheels, thank you.

Trent: ...sure, man. Sure. Frank's a good man, but don't let him fool you; that grill was one step from blowing up everything. Great hot dogs, though.

Frank: Told you they'd turn out.

Trent: I dream of them, sometimes...waking up is so hard. Antoine...he's good at making the tough calls. Glad I don't have to, y'know? I do not want that level of pressure.

[nightmarewing]

I'm at kind of a weird spot in my life because, like, I've been out of my previous situation long enough to be able to feel things that aren't simple overwhelming relief to not be there anymore. My health and my job are making me really, really unhappy, and I can't afford therapy, so I'm coping on my own the way I've always done. I am, thankfully, pretty practiced with this. One thing I can say for myself is that I'm extremely resilient, and being in a clean, safe environment with people that like me and treat me like a person gives me the mental reserves to be able to do that a lot better.

Buuut...

Man. Chronic pain and illness and fatigue really suck. My job is now impacting those things worse than ever for absolutely no benefit other than "I can pay rent and food and occasionally even get a little medical care." I'm not good right now, and I probably won't be for a while. It's just like... on such a different level from how not good I was before. It's novel to be miserable in a way that doesn't have to do with my basic emotional and physical safety lol.