#it keeps making me sad but i dont feel like i should be sad

[thefatedthoughtofyou]

{ A little rockstar Eddie for you all this evening. Matchbox Twenty always gets me in my feelings about these two dont ask me why. I hope you guys enjoy! 🧡 }

He and Steve break up. It's gentle. And mutual. And it breaks both their hearts. Steve isn't happy on the road with him. And wasn't happy at home without him. So they agree to separate. To take time away. To grow, hopefully, both of them hoping they find their way back to each other.

They still text pretty frequently. But the main thing is, Eddie and Robin still text too. And she tells him she's gonna tell him something. That she's breaking her and Steve's sacred best friend oath, to tell Eddie this.

Steve's still not happy.

They're roommates, he and Robin. And she sees him getting sadder and sadder, missing Eddie. The only time she sees him smile is when he's talking to Eddie, either texting, or actually talking, or every now and then they all do video chats. And that's when Steve is happy. She tells Eddie. The HE makes Steve happy.

And Eddie can't just let that go. Cuz he's been miserable too. Not going out after shows anymore with the CC boys, just going back to the bus and texting Steve. The only thing that's making his days bright.

And he loves his music. He does. But god does he love Steve too.

So one night. Eddie and the boys are on a talk show. They play one of their new singles before the commercial break. And are supposed to play another at the end of the show. Steve goes to the bathroom for one second, and then Robin is yelling for him. He washes his hands runs back to the living room, hands still wet.

Robin has the tv paused, Eddie's face almost filling the screen.

"I rewound it a little just... here. I'm gonna... go in my room." And she tosses the remote at him and runs to her room. Steve feels nervous, looking at the tv, Eddie's larger than life face making him smile before he sits, pulls his lip between his teeth, and presses play.

"Alright so I know we're supposed to be playing a single of ours, but I gotta change things up. Cuz... I have something that needs saying, and Matchbox Twenty unfortunately already said it best, so..." he wipes at his head with his forearm, looking nervous, giddy.

"Here goes. Steve. If you're watching. And god I hope you are. This one's for you." He sighs, takes a step back and starts the song.

The first notes hit Steve like a freight train. His heart pounding in his ears, he turns the tv up and tucks his knees up to his chest, eyes locked on the screen.

Eddie's playing is old acoustic guitar, his hair falling in his face. He sings the first few lines, voice soft, and deep, and god Steve misses him so fucking much. And then he sings,

"You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong." And his eyes flick up at the end, looking right into the camera, right at Steve. He literally gasps, drops his feet to the floor and scoots to the edge of the couch, his hands shaking.

The next few lines are just as soft, his eyes moving away from the camera again, until he sings,

"And I think you're so mean, I think we should try." Little smirk on his mouth when he says it, Steve knowing Eddie loves when he's mean, loves when he's bitchy. But his brow furrows when he says he thinks we should try, and his voice shakes and Steve's hands move to cover his chest as he watches Eddie keep singing.

He looks straight into the camera again when he sings,

"Baby you need to come home." And Steve feels the first tear fall down his cheek. The music softens again but then Eddie's singing with that little smirk and Steve's breath catches.

"I bet you're hard to get over." The smirk melts to a smile and Eddie closes his eyes, sings,

"I bet the room just won't shine." He looks sad as he continues, until he gets to the next,

"And I think you're so mean." And he's smiling again, giving that knowing look to the camera again. Steve laughs, tears falling freely now. And then Eddie is frowning, his fingers moving over his guitar,

"I think I'm just scared, that I know too much." His head shaking.

"I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelin. If you're gone," his voice goes rough, his eyes move to the camera again and Steve almost sobs, he knows that frustrated look, Eddie always feeling outside things, like he can't relate.

"Baby you need to come home, come home." The desperation in his voice has Steve sliding to his knees in front of the couch, hands still clasped against his chest, fingers moving toward his neck.

The house band kicks in then, orchestral backing to the CC boys playing and it's beautiful. Eddie smiles as he keeps singing, nodding their way.

He moves his eyes back to the camera and is basically pleading with Steve now, as he sings, and Steve is humming along as best he can, his throat full of fire, fingers wrapped there, pressing gently to ease the pain a little.

"I think I'm scared. Do I talk too much?" Eddie sings, his eyebrows furrowing with a mocking thoughtful expression, Steve laughs through a sob as he watches Eddie play, watches him sing, watches him ask Steve to come home.

The CC boys chime in soflty,

"Somethin in me." And Eddie follows them, softly too, but strong.

"Everything in."

The boys going even softer.

"Somethin in me in."

Eddie follows, voice going impossibly soft, eyes on the camera.

"In you."

And then the lights drop and it's just Eddie sitting in a spot light, he keeps his eyes on the camera and whispers,

"Please come home." And lowers his head, hair falling as he looks into his lap. The light stays on for a few more moments and then goes off.

The camera cuts to the host, looking a little teary eyed themselves, and they call for commercial and Steve loses it. He hunches over and is claws at his chest, sobs falling silently past his lips. He gasps a few times, falling to his butt on the floor, trying to catch his breathe.

"They're in Chicago in two days." Robin's watery voice cuts through his crying. He turns and sees her standing there, leaning against the wall near the hallway, arms wrapped around herself, her cheeks are wet too.

"I just bought us tickets. You should probably start packing now. We all know it takes you fucking forever." She rolls her eyes, wipes at her face, and laughs when Steve crashes into her.

She helps him pack. It takes him almost the full two days. Robin teasing him about it as they dash out the door to catch their train.

Robin texts Eddie that their coming. She doesn't tell him that Steve's planning on staying. Eddie puts them on the backstage pass list, gets them all the upgrades, and sends a pack of the good earplugs because he knows Steve always forgets his (he did).

Steve's waiting nervously in the dressing room after the show. Moves around. Doesn't know what to do with his hands suddenly. But as soon as the door swings open it doesn't matter.

Eddie is on him in seconds, a blur of hair and flailing limbs before he collides with Steve. And then they're both crying, holding each other, swaying on the spot. Eddie breaks first, sobs,

"Are you staying?" He sniffles, hands moving over Steve's face, wiping his tears. Steve's already nodding, smiling, and crying, and wiping at Eddie's face too.

"Yeah. Yeah for as long as you'll have me." Steve laughs, sobs, pulls Eddie close again. Eddie kisses his shoulder and squeezes him and then pulls back and looks... shy? His cheeks are flushed from crying but he won't meet Steve's eyes when he says,

"Good. Cuz I might have done something crazy." Eddie says, giving a small smiley cringe as he finally looks at Steve.

"Crazy like not playing a new single on late night tv so you can serenade me with Matchbox Twenty?" Steve laughs, his heart pounding, feeling giddy. Eddie laughs, kisses Steve, pulls back, his head shaking.

"Oh it's way crazier than that." Eddie laughs, his eyes wild.

"Oh god what did you do?" Steve laughs, feeling manic, his hands not leaving Eddie, holding onto his arms.

"I bought a house." Eddie says, laughs, high in his throat.

"You-"

"I bought, us, a house. You and me." Eddie nods, cups Steve's cheeks.

"I meant what I said. I wanted you to come home. I just... hadn't mentioned that I bought one, for you to come home to." Eddie's smile wavers for a moment, and Steve barks a laugh.

"You bought us a house." He says through his laughter, Eddie smile coming back, it starts soft, and then gets big, wide, bright and shiny the way Steve loves it.

"I did, yeah." He's still nodding, cheeks dimpled as Steve clings to him, still laughing.

"We have a house!" He yells at the ceiling as he starts jumping in place.

"We have a house!" Eddie echoes, jumping along with him. They keep saying it, laughing, and jumping, and holding on to each other as they shout their excitement, giggling maniacally.

Eddie carries Steve over the threshold of their new home a week later. The rest of there tour cancled as the boys and the party all help them move in. It's nothing crazy, bigger than Steve's childhood home, but nothing too theatrical, surprisingly. It's out in the woods a ways, because Steve, despite all the shit that went down in Hawkins, loves being in the woods, in nature.

Steve cries off an on all day, because the house is perfect. Eddie had some personal touches added before they got there. It's the perfect mix of the both of them.

Steve settles into bed after they have everything unpacked, Eddie's arms wrapped around him, his nose buried in Steve's hair, feeling warm, and loved, and so fucking happy he has a place to call home. So fucking happy that the man he calls home, wanted a home with him.

[quillkiller]

i’ve arivved limo style to invite you in and have a convo about mcg. please do come in. my most esteemed mcg scholar. i have no idea how to spell that

upon reading your most recent fic i was most intrigued by your take on our beloved minerva m. mcgonagall (idk what her middle name is i like m) because you took her in a completely different direction then i did and i am actually fucking obsessed with it. where you see her as more masc leaning im over here in hyperfem-domme-with-a-riding-crop land but i love that both versions of her that we’ve manifested have that same core being that makes her mc-fucking-g. you understand, of course.

and now, we mustdiscuss mcg with a belly button piercing. because idk how old you see her in like “present day” (like in my mcj fic she’s in her mid 60s i think, at least to me but i left it open for interp) but i think miss mcg was absolutely out there on the town (the hamptons boardwalk, circa 1960) looking hot as hell in a skimp bikini and giant audrey hepburn-esque sunglasses and her humongus navel piercing, a minx in the flesh. and its so sad james nor rita couldve been there to admire it.

(ive actually been dying to pick your brain about your mcg since i read your rita fic because she is SO so very. tjere are no words to describe how much i want her. i need to know your every thoufht)

i am enthusiastically and being very suave as i step into this limo of yours. thank you for inviting me im very glad we can have this important meeting

first off. minerva m. mcgonagall sounds so unbelievably sexy. i wholeheartedly agree. i don’t know why margaret entered my brain immediately but minerva margaret mcgonagall has a nice ring to it……. sounds very Esteemed.

and yeah. to me she’s always been the shane masc type dyke standing at the front of riots, having freaky queer friends, never settled down because she has massive commitment issues. her other lesbian friends are married by now but she just never did.. she got her degree and fucked around. in my ritaminerva fic i picture her being between 57-59 and rita as 26-28

however. let me tell you. your femme dom minerva has been on! my! mind! she makes me a little insane. whenever i read your mcj i picture them in a 50s film with butch james and older femme minerva. they’re so unbelievably delicious to me. femdom minerva i want you so bad. and MID SIXTIES…….. ive been wondering and pondering over this. that’s so fucking sexy i need a minute

and yes of course i understand. we’re the minerva understanders with our different takes on her character and i am so deeply obsessed with yours

and yes, to the point being minerva’s belly button piercing. minerva with her hepburn swagger and tight bikinis and just a huge shimmering belly button piercing…… what an absolute Vision. i’m imagining this is a surprise to anyone who would sleep with her now that she’s in her mid sixties. like im picturing james figuring this out and her reaction. i would literally short circuit entirely if i was her.. and just imagining her when she was younger.. turning heads on the beach in her skimpy bikini and loud laugh and the jewels in her navel. i would be Staring.

so for my minerva. she’s in her late 50s and wears waistcoats and patterned suits. she wears a lot of silver jewelry. lots of rings and a modest silver chain around her neck. her hair is short and graying and she wears it in a small bun every day at the university. i think my minerva would’ve impulsively gotten a belly button piercing when she was like 19 and one of her friends did it for her (who works as a piercer today). they were maybe a little high and minerva woke up the next day and just. never took it out. it’s one of those simple belly button piercings. just plain silver piercing. she wears the same one always until she feels she should change it. she has had a few with different colored stones (i dont know if thats what its called..) before. black, green and red. she likes to keep it simple but she doesn’t want to take it out. i feel like she took it out at some point when she turned 30+ something because she felt she was too old for it but then she found a piercing lying around her house when she was around 44 and though ’i should see if it still goes in’ <— literally what i did last year. i hadn’t worn a belly button piercing since i was 17 and then i spontaneously bought one because i was curious and it still went in ahdjfjskf.

however. the body tries to reject piercings right. so i imagine she can’t wear the ’normal’ piercings anymore. they’re too heavy and the skin is too thin (???) now. so……… im very much thinking about her getting one of those belly button rings. she reaches 50 and has been wearing one since she put it back in…… and now she’s attached again. so she buys a belly button ring. and just keeps it. which is a vision that makes me salivate…. minerva i Want you.

im having prophetic visions about rita seeing it for the first time….. and just losing her mind. because to me rita is very heavily femme but she doesn’t really have piercings or tattoos. she has the usual pair of earrings and thats it. she wears big earrings, flashy and elegant. but the professor has atleast 6 piercings in her ears even if she’s only wearing two small silver rings these days. and then rita sees the belly button ring and her immediate impulsive is to get it between her teeth

incidentally. this has also made me consider minerva and tattoos. i think she wouldve gotten a few dumb ones in her youth. maybe even a sleezy tramp stamp that says ’STUD!’ or something….. i’m also having visions of her with one of those 90s dykey tattoos that alice has in the l word

WHICH THE ACTRESS HAS SINCE REMOVED. a travesty to me. either way. the thought of minerva with faded tattoes from her youth…… im having thoughts

either way. please i would love to know your every thought about femme minerva and her belly button piercing. she’s living in my mind and im becoming obsessed with her… femdom minerva in her mid sixties i want you so bad. i want to know everything about her and her youth… what kinds of piercings… how often does she change them… does she match them with her outfits……. or with her underwear…. the way it dangles when she walks i am Weak.

(im so happy you sent this ask because ive been DYING to discuss minerva with you. whenever you post about her or mcj i am stopping everything and Reading……..)

[trnktgh0st]

m e r p

im worried that maybe i do like them too much

i havent gotten to hang out with them since September and it really sucks. I miss them a lot and I know a little while ago they said they miss me but maybe i miss them too mich and like them more than i should

and now that im not strictly an opener i feel like I'll probably never get to hang out with them again

and i know all of this is probably my bpd being a dick but i cant turn it off right now

[todayisafridaynight]

no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo

[volivolition]

suggestion do you have... any wants? like obviously you do but like? suggestion my guy my ourple boy. both the easiest and hardest to write. you need a skill to say something to move conversation along but it doesn't fit any skill in particular? about 80% of the time you can have suggestion say it and it will make sense. but like actually characterizing him... how do i define you dude... what makes your character tick... urgh. i dont get you yet. im trying to understand but you are difficult.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[crazy-lazy-elder-sims]

Recovering from a massive art block that lasted years is literally making me extremely sad cause like while im patient with myself when im by myself and i know im Gonna struggle before i get back to my full prime and i gotta give myself the time and space to recover that its not gonna be an enjoyable process from the get go etc i still get so fucking disheartened with myself when i log on to Tumblr and people are making such beautiful art so fast and are having the time of thier lives with constant flow of new ideas its sometimes too much like i just went into the bathroom and had a cry cause of this

How in the world am i gonna recover if it all just makes me sad :(

[prestonmonterey]

i hope my friends never get the feeling that they need to have something important to say to be able to talk to me

[anaalnathrakhs]

it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.

mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.

[niishi]

Sensory issues that make me not want my hair to touch my neck/ears

vs.

chronic migraine disorder that can be triggered by wearing my hair up for too long or wearing anything on my head at all

vs.

ppl telling me they like me more with long hair&making me feel insecure about having short hair

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[scionshtola]

it is so hard for me not to post every single thought i have on here the moment i have it

[peachiyyy]

i havent seen my closest friends in a few weeks and it’s mostly my fault…idk im just really not in a good mental state rn im unfortunately falling back into a depressive/suicidal state again. My most loved and cherished friends are very successful (rightfully so) and though they are extremely supportive, loving, caring, and genuine towards me, i can’t help but think that i bring nothing to the table as of rn. I know that friendship isn’t transactional and that they’d never treat me as someone disposable just because of my shortcomings and will always support me as best as they could, but my insecurities are literally taking over LOL. I just feel really embarrassed bc we all started at the same time and they’re exactly where they should be while I’m still behind, waiting for things to start looking up for me. I don’t have anything new to say like they usually do and I know that I can’t really relate to their experiences. I’m just not on the same page as them. None of them make me feel alienated or isolated by any means, they believe in me more than I believe in myself actually, I just feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I want to be at the same place as they are but I’m not right now and I just feel really embarrassed about it. Forcing myself to stay home on days off is how I’m coping rn.

[gorefetishizer]

Going to sleep on a bed with clean sheets in tidy room since what seems like forever i can't even belive i did it. I might cry

[toytulini]

wish ig wasnt so fucked i do miss posting art on there but itll never be like that again. how zuck managed to make it feel physically bad and gross to use an app is incredible. its like a corpse of the app i used to use. a bad puppet. a shell. parading around, empty and awful. came back wrong. i cant use it the way it is anymore. "reels" and "stories" and the algorithm. im not using those. im not using that. it feels gross. its sliming me. its oozing slime out of my phone. i just wanted to make posts. have all my stupid art in one place and chill with my mutuals. but no. its trying to sell me ads and pretty people. and now i cant view my notifications bc it sold pretty people too hard and broke teenager's brains. itstelling me to watch reels. all the people i follow are posting their posts in their stories that im not watching bc ive refused to evolve the way i use that app past like 2016. why dont ppl just make posts. what the fuck is the point of stories. is that not just snapchat? im not downloading that either

[zzoguri]

sounding like a broken record