#idk im alone here in this i cant share with anyone around me because

[crazy-lazy-elder-sims]

Recovering from a massive art block that lasted years is literally making me extremely sad cause like while im patient with myself when im by myself and i know im Gonna struggle before i get back to my full prime and i gotta give myself the time and space to recover that its not gonna be an enjoyable process from the get go etc i still get so fucking disheartened with myself when i log on to Tumblr and people are making such beautiful art so fast and are having the time of thier lives with constant flow of new ideas its sometimes too much like i just went into the bathroom and had a cry cause of this

How in the world am i gonna recover if it all just makes me sad :(

[thatstuckietherian]

i think that....... i might be......... a system?

(aka i have a lot of evidence pointing towards the fact that im plural but im really scared to talk about it because i keep convincing myself im a faker)

idk its just like... hey maybe its not normal to have guys in ur head that have individual names and opinions and appearances and to occasionally feel like ur body is being piloted by someone else while ur watching them and such

i think the thing that trips me up the most is that they dont show up a whole lot? it feels like i can go for a few days without really running into anyone else in my head (ignoring the fact that the concept of "me" is blurry in and of itself, but i cant get into that here)

but then again i have proof that we dont share memories for the most part (the only reason we have somewhat continuous memories is that "i" am almost always fronting) so maybe its just amnesia hiding amnesia. idk

also we dont/cant always talk to each other/we have a hard time talking to each other sometimes and like... i dont see a lot of people sharing experiences like that? a lot of systems i see around can have full blown conversations all the time and we just... cant do that most of the time? and sometimes we understand what the other is thinking without them having to say it? or we feel like partially connected or fused or something and idk mannn i just dont know who i am a lot of the time :[

if i am plural btw im most definitely traumagenic, i dont have any opinions about syscourse stuff tho

uh input or advice from systems would be greatly appreciated, i feel like a soggy kitten standing alone in the rain all afraid and such also if anyone has advice about alters that try to harm other alters/the system in general thatd be nice to hear :[

[vaudeville-venom]

3/4AM — O3-12-2O24 : RANT / RAMBLE ﹐🪶 ˖ overview: im tired of tiktok, want to move to other social media platforms. want to start blogging / journaling on tumblr and love the idea of others doing the same and find it interesting. want to redo my intro post really bad (i bring it up alot.) i want to have the 'average highschool experience', feel alone then ramble about my life a bit. talk about how i am rambling and how i dont expect anyone to read it. im tired of having a fucked up sleep schedule and being unstable. then an ending note talking about journaling on tumblr again, moodboards, the fucking intro post again, and want to work on a tagging system. (im really fucking tired oh my god)

[ me-core / aesthetic of my brain atm ] : images frm Pinterest

im really debating on just leaving tiktok for now, the algorithm fucking sucks especially right now. its boring as fuck and im not even seeing stuff of my interests or my mutuals ☠️ its all the same 3 god damn audios of content i wouldnt ever like want or expect to see??? ive mentally wanted to stop using shit like tiktok and move to using tumblr more and other sites like spacehey and stuff. i really need to redo spachey too. because while tumblr still has an algorithm ofc its alot less addicting and doesnt absolutely wreck your attention span like tiktok has for me. i feel like not using tiktok other than for occasional posts and sending things to / receiving things from friends would make me a bit more productive as well as being better for me mentally. while it wont magically cure me from any mental illness itll make me feel better and probably help my stress a bit.

i really love the idea of using a tumblr blog to post whatever i want and like use as a digital diary of some kind,, its super fun imo. i had an old acc but it felt like more of a chore to keep up with so now it’s abandoned. speaking of that blog i may make a post being like “hey, im [here] now!!” because i had some neat mutuals there. i think its really neat to see people post about their day and share things they like and reblog everything that catches their eye yk! that may just be a me thing.

i want to redo my intro post a bit, because idk im a bit unhappy with it. (dont be surprised if i edit it mid-writing this or before i post this..) i really love to write but i havent had much motivation at all. i typically love researching my interests and taking notes on them but recently i havent been able to no matter how much i want to, maybe this diary / blogging kind of thing will help me get back on my feet with that :)

i really dont have a ‘yearning’ for anything at the moment, besides having the experience of like everyone else my age. idk how (hahaha) corny that may sound but like for background, im online schooled due to mental and physical disabilities, i dont have many friends online or in person, i rarely see anyone, and i live with my dad and see my mom sometimes and dont really have family outside of that. the family i do have i dont get along with very well or theyre distant (physically or emotionally.) the family i really consider is my dad, because hes always there for me, and my friend micah, but he lives like 9 hours away from me like a LOSER (ily bffie.) im a big believer on chosen family and he is that chosen family. ok i got sidetracked, what im saying is i have no social life really, dont have a place to get a social life (school), and cant really connect with people no matter how i try to. i want to live life like how i see in teen life films or tiktoks of people vlogging with their friends, hell id kill to even have an irl bestfriend to be around. i do have irl friends, and i do have close friends, but i dont see them often or have the personal connection of a mutual best-friend feeling. my dads probably my best friend but i need someone my age lmfao.

this post will be so long that no one will read it i garuntee but also i dont mind?? im not gonna spill my guts like someone wont read this but im not gonna act like i have a large audience. this will just be a nice thing to look back on and keep up unless i anxiously delete it whenever i look back on it (maybe in the morning)

im really tired of waking up at 3-4pm right now, but i cant sleep earlier than 5am no matter what i do. and if i manage to fall asleep at 2am or something i wake up an hour later or wake up at 4-5am panicking for some reason. i havent been to therapy in forever, my therapist is like not doing her job as well as id like and i have no doctor other than my pediatrician who doesn’t understand what im talking about ever!!

i just made this post and thats kinda what led to all of this ranting and wanting to write and shit. im sorta just tired of alot of social media and would love to find myself in other ways and use other forms of social media to share those things even though tumblr is a bit more dead than some things :) im gonna end this one here but if i write another tonight or early tomorrow (like the afternoon same day but it’s tomorrow to me) dont be surprised i love rambling to myself. now i think im going to make this post look cute, post it, redo my pinned intro, work on featured tags/a tagging system, then go from there ^^’

[a-normal-girls-thoughts]

Some characters i relate to

Charlie from the perks of being a wallflower-

I relate to this character because i think i am really diasosiated idk if that how you spell it or call it but i dont really feel like im there and there are times were i go to this really dark place and i just dont know what to do and its all my fault because if it wasnt then i think i probably wouldnt feel this way but um i also relate to him because of what happened to him wirh his aunt but that about all im willing to share(im alright now if anyone was wondering)

Fiona from shamless-

I relate to her because i feel like all the things my parents done they dont give a shit about me they think that just becasue im kind and nice and mature that i can take whatever they throw at me but i really cant i dont know what to do most day because at a very young age ive been put to take care of children that werent mine but my sisters because of her disgusting drug problem like frank lol but um my mom think it isnt fair for me to blame her because shes rigjt its not kust her fault but wtv but i also relate to her because my mom and my father never really cared about me sure my mom cooks for me and helps me when times get hard but thats her job and my father isnt really here and when he is its just putting blame on my mother but its wtv

Shoya from a silent voice-

I relate to him because there once was a very dark time in my life were i did think of kms because i felt digusting with myself i felt like i wasnt beatiful I genuinely thought there was no point in living if i just didnt even like myself but then i found this person who helped me get out of it and sense then i have gotten better i think but sadly that person that helped me has uh walked away from my life so now i am alone but im not lonely and i dont feel alone anymore so i will forever be greatful to him

Hachi from nana-

I think im alot like her because i think i give to much love that most of the time i dont get in return and sure it makes me feel like an absolute idiot but i just turn a blind eye because sometimes you just dont know when to quit and i just relate to her alot because i know how it feels to have your heart crushed over some stupid pathetic boy who couldnt really love you as much as you loved him

Ik this one might be a bit weird but Robin from DCC (in general)-

I relate to hin because i feel like hes just really left behind and hes always trying his best and no matter what hes usually just not seen or disregarded and i think hes me because i am usually disregared most of the time and when people do decided to include me its like there just joking around and doing it to make me feel pathetic

I think that about the main people that i relate to but if anyone does see this just know im here if you wanna talk

[mademoisellehypergamy]

This may be along letter but I have to share it with you qnd I know that U can help me and you will do ur best 🤍

First thing, Im going and Ive gone through alots of spiritual change, mental and just personality change like alots ... and the thing is now is time for me to let go of things and discover new things, for example fangirl life, twitter idk kpop, those common interests but in the same time idk how or what shall I do, Im here to take some of your advice since u are such an inspiring woman to me.

+ As I grow up, Im the youngest child in family and the only girl, my family, my bros made me like I cant do anything right, My opinions are always wrong and I just cant live on my own, so I end up  being too scared to see new things or take any decision cuz maybe " its wrong " " who said is right " idk is just too unsure and scared that I cant do it, and Im always wrong even in the little things like " i like apple " they made me feel like a fool, childish for liking it ... or even in the small things they alwqys make fun of me smh, and Im very sensitive too. So if u have any advice on how u became the person u are or if u can share with me u know ur tips ur daily life becuz I really want to learn from and U always inspired me.

Also in the feminine side, my mom was never interested in these things cuz she is naturally feminine and pretty ... so if u have any tips share it with me darling 🤍 ( like how to generally take care of my body / washing, vagina / im also so hairy so it makes me feel a bit insecured too )

I hope if u can share with us alots of ur wisdom and thoughts and everything and pls advice me how to grow from this circle and end it to be a powerful women 💖

Note: Im 18 yo

Hi love,

Awww, reading your message reminded me of my younger sister 🥰 I’m sorry it took so long to reply back to your message. I hope this will help you. In the future I will make a more detailed post about hygiene, but this will help you get started.

🌸 Mademoiselle Hypergamy’s Basic Hygiene Tips 🌸

🌸 Shower Daily. You may have to shower more depending on how active you are, the climate you’re in, and how much you sweat.

Your shower routine should include:

- Washing your ENTIRE body. Your feet/in between your toes, behind your ears, your buttocks, everything! - Use soap. Alright, this sounds silly, but when I was in college I had a roommate who never showered with soap. Please use soap. Use it with a loofah/washcloth/silicone bath brush/etc.

🌸Incorporate Dry Brushing. Do this prior to showering on dry skin. This will help prevent cellulite and keep your skin smooth and firm as you age.

🌸Wash Your Vagina. Do not put soap in the vagina! You can use a gentle cleanser/pH balanced feminine wash (I recommend Rael Natural, vH Essentials, Organyc) on the exterior vaginal area. Never use soap inside the vagina, just water! Click here to watch a video to see the actual motions. *The video isn’t graphic, but I wouldn’t recommend watching it in public lol*  

🌸 Remove Body Hair. Shaving is probably the most accessible way to remove body hair at 18. If you are able to, I would recommend waxing or sugaring (especially if you want to remove pubic hair). Eventually, I’d recommend laser hair removal because it REALLY makes a difference! Be consistent about removing underarm hair if you struggle with body odor.

- Use body scrubs prior to shaving to prevent in-grown hairs and “strawberry legs”.  - Always shave with a fresh razor.

🌸Use Rich Creams After Showers/Baths. Always use thick, luxurious creams on your skin to keep it hydrated!

🌸 Wash Your Hair When Needed. Washing your hair every day is not good! Wash it when it’s very oily/dirty. Invest in quality products. Always use conditioner. 

🌸 Deodorant. Use it! There’s a variety on the market to choose from :) 

Some other just general tips I have to take care of your body: - Work out. Even if it’s just walking. Aim to do this 3x a week. - Drink. Water. I can’t stress this enough! - Use sunscreen. Everyday. You’ll thank me later. - Sleep; Unless you are a student studying for an important exam, there is no reason you should be staying up every night.  - Maintain your hands and feet. Make sure your nails are clean. Make sure your skin is hydrated. 

As for your family, it’s important to keep in mind that although they matter, at the end of the day you came into this world alone and you will leave alone. You must be able to rely on yourself, and that begins with trusting yourself. If you continue to let them influence you, you will never be able to achieve your full potential. 

They may have filled you with doubt, but I promise you that trusting yourself is the best decision. Sure, you can listen to their input, but your choices at the end of the day is the most important. Start by making small decisions for yourself (who you’ll hang out with, what hobbies you’ll pursue), and when you see that the decision ended up positive, it’ll be easier to trust yourself.

As for myself, I became the way I am by deciding that I was going to live life on my terms. Just like when someone decides to be a lawyer, they go to college, take the LSAT, then law school. I made that decision, and began to live my life accordingly. ❤️ 

The only thing you must do is decide to be hypergamous, and then make a plan. Level up. Be smart. Be financially and mentally secure. Don’t settle. Only date men who align with your vision. Realize almost everyone around you can help you get from point A to point Z. 

You also never have to give up your interests (like Kpop). If you enjoy it and it doesn’t hurt anyone, keep it. Just add some hobbies/interests :)

Good luck!

[kokichixreaderthings]

Idk if you've already done something like this or not but may I request kokichi having an s/o who stims a lot and owns stim toys? I love your blog btw your "kokichi reacting to s/o coming out as non binary" literally made me so happy to read :D

kokichi x s/o reader who stims <3

i haven’t done something like this yet! and this was pretty enjoyable to write :) i do stim sometimes, so i used my own experience with this but also combined with all the other experiences i’ve seen from other people! and thank you!! im glad i made you happy!! i hope you like this too!

i headcanon that kokichi stims too!!

he’s just very subtle about it in public 

he wants to keep up his ~supreme leader~ and ~mysterious~ ways and he feels like stimming too often would ruin that

(it wouldn’t ruin it btw to anyone reading this who stims! you should feel free to stim anytime you want!)

for example, in public, he rocks back and forth, plays with his hair, etc, but it’s subtle, you’d only notice if you’re staring at him

but when he’s in more of his playful ways, he does stim a lot more noticeably since it could technically go with his persona

like shaking his hands or repeating phrases

and also he’s always fidgeting

like always

he has a lot of energy!

so yeah he completely understands your stimming habits!

and when he finds out you stim too he’s pretty excited! he’s glad he’s not alone 

“woah you stim too?! *sniffles* i-i’m s-so happy i’m not the only o-one!!!”

he uses fake tears to hide that he’s actually happy :)

you stimming too just makes him feel a little more validated

he doesn’t usually stim often in front of people but since you stim too he might start feeling better about stimming in public

or at least he might be encouraged to stim around just you!

he feels comfortable around you, you’re his s/o and he loves you, and now he knows you definitely won’t judge him for this!

though truthfully it takes a lot for him to reach that point

stimming in front of you=being vulnerable in front of you

so when he finally starts letting himself stim around you instead of hiding it, it’s a sign of trust!

also, kokichi is the type of person to 100% own a huge collection of stim toys

he owns like everything

he just loves having multiple options!

...and he also does it so it could seem like he’s collecting the toys just to be “cool”

so no one knows he stims,,,

(again, don’t feel afraid to stim!!!)

but you see through that! it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t just have these toys just because they’re cool, he plays with them all the time

and obviously you’ll want to share! there’s so many!! it’s a lot more than you would have

“oh? my beloved wants me to share my precious stim toys? wellll you’ll have to give me a kiss first!”

a kiss isn’t a bad price to pay..

and you two will share stim toys sometimes!

and kokichi thinks it’s really cute when you stim sometimes!

but only when it’s because you’re extremely happy! and only if you aren’t having any harmful stims

he just really likes seeing his beloved so happy!

“nishishi, i love you too much y/n. you look wayyyyy too cute right now! *mwah!*”

but if you do have any harmful stims like hitting yourself, he’ll try to stop it by encouraging you to use a toy instead

“hey, don’t hurt yourself, here! use this instead, ‘kay?”

becuase of you, he has stim toys on him 24/7

one for you and one for him !

but if he notices that you’ve been restraining from stimming the way you usually do...

he’s definitely not standing for that, stimming is normal, you should feel comfortable doing it!

“y/n you cant hide from me yknow? i know all about keeping secrets, its how i take down my enemies! and i know you haven’t been stimming lately so c’mon! tell me what’s wrong!”

he’ll listen to whatever you say and assure you as many times as you need that stimming is perfectly okay to do!

“beloved, don’t ever be afraid to stim. that’s so dumb! if anyone ever makes you upset, i’ll send all of D.I.C.E. after them! you don’t have to worry!”

after that, he’ll make sure he has stim breaks with you sometimes just to make sure you’re getting your energy out and relaxing!

overall, he loves you and he’ll definitely support you over this <3

thank you so much for reading!! and remember kokichi loves you!!💜💜💜

[dashedwithromance]

Secret Moments In A Crowded Room - Princewitch

okay so DISCLAIMER im scared to post this because we’ve never really seen romantic wrath before so idk if people might think this is OOC but i wanted princewitch fluff desperately and cant wait til october. inspired by the teaser quote she released yesterday and ‘dress’ by taylor swift

-

The ball raged on around her, dancers swirling around impossibly fast, flashes of fabric catching the light of the serpent scones. On and on, all without her. Her husband sat to her right on his larger throne, staring into nothing. They had exchanged all of five words that evening.

She did not blame her husband for his coldness, not truly. If their positions were switched, and she had been forced to marry a random demon while still loving and grieving her murdered spouse, she doubted whether she would even manage civility. Pride continued his business, barely taking notice of his young wife, and she was glad, of that, at least. If he’d wanted her... a shudder snaked down her spine, curling in her gut. Her mind still echoed with the unnatural violation of Lust’s magic, and the thought of another demon prince perusing her like that was foul. There was only one prince she wanted, and his sin was wrath.

Dancing in Hell was nothing like she’d seen on the streets of Palermo. Nothing like the carefree dancing of Vittoria, so full of light and life and love that nothing seemed to touch her. Here, movements entwined with danger, every dance a flirtation with living death. People danced with weapons, exchanging daggers and rondels and rapiers like secret lovers. Jewelled garrottes hung around every neck, poisonous pearls glittering in various ornate hairstyles. An unholy masquerade indeed.

Her own mask was a fine decoration of gold and jewels. Metallic serpents entwined across the mosaic-like surface, darker cracks embedded across it. The mask had arrived one evening at her rooms, wrapped in luscious velvet. No letter accompanied it, the only sign of the sender being a golden snake that slithered up her arm before dissolving into sparks. The decoration matched her dress, a similar mosaic of black silk, lace, and golden serpents. Truly befitting a queen.

Fury burned through her as she watched the revellers pass her by. They danced without a care, members of the seven houses intermingling freely. She wanted to scream and shatter the very throne she sat on. How dare they dance as if mere months ago, one of their own had not been taking the hearts of witches? As if she did not sit on a dead witch’s throne? A witch who still had not found justice, who’s body had been ripped to shreds in the cruellest way imaginable?

“Careful, little queen.” Pride’s voice rumbled in her ear. He still did not look at her, but leaned closer to whisper, “Lest the people learn your ungrateful thoughts.”

Closing her eyes to avoid murdering the demon she’d married, she took a deep breath. The air smelt like fire and spirits and the sweat of colliding bodies. Suddenly, the sight of it all disgusted her. The dancing, the drinking, the living, all of it. Selfish, she knew – others were allowed to live despite Vittoria being denied the very same. But she couldn’t help it. She longed for nothing more than her sister to live, even if it meant sacrificing her life to the demon beside her. There was nothing to be done, however. Her sister was lost forever.

The night dwindled on, interrupted by the occasional violent thought towards her situation. Though, as contrary as it sounded, not all was dark about her time in Hell. She had one bright spot, one flame in the dark. Something she kept locked against her chest for fear of discovery.

Casting her eye across the room, she caught the gaze of the hidden secret. Prince Wrath leaned against the wall from across the room, his eyes flickering as they locked with hers. He was dressed in a sinfully beautiful suit, a pattern of golden serpents slithering up the fabric from the floor. The snakes seemed alive in the firelight. Perhaps they were. A smug sense of satisfaction ebbed through her when she realised they matched. No one else would notice – serpents weren’t exactly an uncommon motif in Hell – but they knew, and it was comfort enough. With a movement, so small she nearly missed it, he tilted his head towards the exit.

A thrill raced through her, paired with genuine, loving excitement. They had not been alone in much too long.

Things had not always been so relaxed between her and the prince of Wrath. Her first few weeks in Hell had been spent furiously glaring in his direction. He’d given her the ultimate cold shoulder until she’d nearly burned from it. She’d been full of fury at his leaving her – at the humiliation she felt from having the human audacity to trust a demon. One day, when they crossed each other in a hallway heading to court, her temper had bubbled to boiling.

She remembered yanking him into a nearby room – he let her, she realised now – and yelled at him for the cruelty of leaving her alone. Of giving her hope and wrenching it away, like a child suddenly filled with jealously over a shared toy.

The sheer incredulity on his face was the first indication she was mistaken. He laughed, a sardonic sound coated in disbelief.

“I left you?” His voice was low. The walls around them seemed to thrum in response to his deadly power.

“I left you?” He repeated, “I gave you all the tools to summon me, witch, and you refused. Too good for my help, perhaps.  I have no more responsibilities to you. Our deal is done.”

Wrath turned to leave, but by some miracle, she managed to dart in front of him. Her body was pressed against the door, the cold stone mixing with the heat she felt roaring off him. Emilia should’ve been afraid, should’ve been trembling in her gifted boots at the sight of him, but she wasn’t. Why, she couldn’t quite tell.

His gaze burned into hers, but her own was just as powerful.

“I tried everything to summon you after what Envy did, and you didn’t come.” She hissed. The wrath of a prince was one thing, but hell hath no fury like a witch scorned. “You left me. I was foolish enough to believe you would ca- that you would come for me once, but I will not be fooled twice.”

The look he gave her was indiscernible. Equal parts rage mixed with... something lighter. If anyone else looked at her like that, she would’ve described it as hopeful. But demons did not hope, no more than they loved.

He was scanning her face with the focus of a battle-hardened warrior. Whatever it was he found made him take a step back.

“What did you do wrong?” He muttered, almost to himself.

“I did nothing wrong,” She couldn’t help but fire back, “I did everything correctly – even used the ring you left for me in the drawer.”

At that, he stilled. Stilled and stopped breathing entirely.

Then, as if talking to someone who’d sustained a head injury, he said, “I didn’t leave you a ring. I left you my house seal, solid gold, of course, but no ring.” He went on to describe where he’d left it – the top drawer beside her bed – but she already knew.

The conclusion settled in her stomach like a stone. Another feeling, one she didn’t let herself scrutinise, unfurled within her.

“Someone didn’t want me to summon you.”

“Close. Someone wanted you to think I wouldn’t come.”

A question hung in the air, so loud neither could bring themselves to give it voice.

Would you have come, Prince Wrath? Would you have come to my aid when I needed you most? When I needed to know you were alright?

Keeping those treacherous thoughts under lock and key, she focused on another facet of the curious mystery.

“Who would it benefit? And who would’ve known what to switch – the house was warded, was it not?”

Silence from her princely counterpart.  

“Would the wards collapse with your ‘death’?”

The look on his face told her all she needed to know. Someone had stolen into the house and replaced the seal with a ring to deliberately throw off their efforts. Which meant-

He hadn’t abandoned her at all. Given her the cold shoulder, yes, when he believed she’d forgotten all about him.

What a hellish mess this all was.

From that moment on, the demon and the witch had become begrudging allies once more. Wrath had been furious one of his brothers would dare interfere with his affairs, and she needed an ally, desperately. While it rubbed against her pride to accept help, she knew it would’ve been foolish to refuse. She would be a vengeful queen, but even queens needed council.

Their alliance had turned to friendship, then burst into royal flames as they look the leap to lovers. In the candlelight of a stolen moment, Wrath had held her with more care than she’d known possible. Still Wrath, still echoing that immense power of his, but softer, somehow. Not gentle, not truly, but tender. It was not love, but it was fire and anger and care all pieced together in a ball of desire.  

Which led her to that moment, as she stole away from her husband’s masquerade ball. She had stayed long enough, and the party celebrated nothing of importance. Rather a show of unity between her and Pride, a display of wealth and power.

As she left the throne room she realised she had no idea where her prince had gone. Back to his rooms? No, they avoided meeting there. Being caught together in casual rooms could be explained away as strategic briefings, but being caught in the bedroom of her husband’s brother... did not leave for much escape room.

Just as she was about to curse his name, a snake slithered around her ankle, causing her to start. Was that Wrath’s laugh, she heard? Looking to her feet, the snake stared back up at her, its golden eyes winking in the candlelight of the hallway.

Of course. Wrath and his dramatics.  

The snake made its way down the hallway, keeping close to the wall to be inconspicuous. It led her to an offshoot of the main hallway, then came to a halt at the final door. The serpent dissolved into golden sparks as they reached their destination. She knocked quietly before letting herself in.

Wrath lay stretched out across a dark velvet lounge, watching her entrance. His mask dangled lazily from his fingers, the ribbon used to tie it brushing across the floor. His shirt was unbuttoned halfway, a toned chest peeking out from the fabric.

Deadly, dangerously beautiful.

And hers.

“You look exquisite,” He strode across the room before taking her in his arms. His hands quickly untied her mask before tossing it to the floor with haste. He took in her form for a moment, then tilted his face down to capture her lips with his own.

No matter how many moments they stole, it was never enough.

His kiss was liquid fire igniting the flame of her desire. One hand rested against her back, with the other cupping her face. She gasped against his mouth, revelling in how desperately hard his body felt against hers. Greedy hands slipped up his chest to unbutton the rest of his shirt. Pulling the material away, Emilia broke the kiss for a single second to gaze at her lover.

Smooth, tanned skin met her eyes, followed by a swift appreciation of the hard strength that lay beneath his trousers. He laughed as he caught her gaze, knowing exactly what she was admiring.

He kissed her again, this time grabbing the backs of her thighs and lifting her up. Her legs wrapped around his waist. The taste of him- Taste was her speciality, but there were no words to describe how perfectly Wrath kissed her.

After too long and never long enough, the lovers parted for breath. He still held her against his chest. In this position, she was the perfect height to rest her head in the crook of his neck. Their breathing echoed through the room in perfect harmony.

She could feel every rise and fall of his powerful, tattooed chest. Such lethal power contained within his body, yet he held her with all the tenderness the world could offer.

“You know,” He mused, “We never got to dance.”

“Are you asking?” A sly smile in his direction.

“Yes. Witch, will you dance with me.” He said witch the way men said love. She looked down at him, grinning.

“No. I can’t dance.”

He laughed. Such a bright sound for one bathed in darkness.

“Liar.”

“Fine. I don’t dance, because I’m awful at it.”

A teasing hand ran down her back.

“I’ll teach you.” At her raised brows, he continued with, “A queen must use every skill in her arsenal.”

Lowering her to the ground, he held out his hands for her to grasp.

“Place your right hand in mine, and left against my shoulder.” Even through the fabric of his shirt, she could feel the heat roaring off him. When she did as he instructed, he pulled their bodies together until not even an inch separated them. Emilia was fairly certain this wasn’t part of the dance, but she wasn’t going to interrupt. She quite liked this position, pressed against the prince of Wrath, his breath rustling her hair. His hand settled against her spine.

“This next bit is the most important, do you hear? It is crucial even that beginners like yourself get this right.” He teased, and she scowled back at him, though they both knew it was merely in jest.

“Tilt your chin up so you can gaze adoringly into my eyes.” He grinned down her scowl. “I want you to focus on how handsome I am, how talented, and forget everything else. Except how much you want to kiss me.”

She couldn’t help herself, she laughed. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Perhaps.” His voice turned low and seductive as his hand slid down her spine, drawing her a little closer. “But you’re waltzing like a goddess now.” As he spoke, they started to move. Slowly, he stepped back and followed. To the side, and she followed again. On and on, their little box pattern continued, until Wrath picked up the paced and spun her around.

A gasp left her lips at the movement, but before she could overthink and stumble, he caught her once more with a smile.

“Who are you, and what have you done with the moodiest prince of Hell?”

He shook his head at her words, huffing a laugh as he did. She felt the truth bloom in his chest, he didn’t have to say it. These borrowed moments, these secret trysts... it was happiness, rare as it was, that fluttered between them. They both knew it couldn’t last, but for now, it was real. In that moment, it was all that mattered.

“Teasing witch,” He murmured, and kissed her. Kissed her as if they were not members of two rival houses, as if she was not an unwilling wife to his bastardly brother, as if there were not a chasm of reasons to keep them apart. Tomorrow would bring hellfire, and perhaps regret, but tonight was theirs.

They kissed until night dwindled away into day, and their secret was no longer safe. With the promise of “soon” and an unspoken “I miss you”, Wrath kissed her once more before exiting her side.

The queen of Hell picked up her mask from where it had been tossed across the floor, and stood still for a moment, taking a deep breath. The moment had passed, and she was no longer just Emilia, a powerhouse in her own right, and friend and lover of Wrath’s.

She was the Wicked Kingdom’s vengeful queen, and she would find her happiness once more, or burn the world trying.

-

let me know if you wanted to be added to my KOTW tag list!

tags: @shadowturtlesstuff @otome-azarada @chococannolii @beccalovesbooksstuff @duchess-of-nothing-and-nowhere @caseyannblog @constantwriter85 @fleawithadegree @athousandsilversuns @emiliadicarlos @silversublime @watch-the-pen @sleeping-and-books @demirunner

[yeoldontknow]

დ content tag game დ

tagged by the loveliest angel @augustbutwinter to do this fun tag. thank you so much my love! 

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?  - harry potter, muse, merlin, supernatural, doctor who, sherlock

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? - kpop only

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?  - my first actual fanfic would have been when i was about 8? it was for sailor moon but it was literally only in a journal i had. i presume that counts. so that would put us at 24 years lmao - on this blog specifically, since april 2017

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?  - here and AO3

5. what is your favourite genre to write? - aaaaangst lmao and horror/suspense. i love really dark things, and have always had a fascination in writing things that disturb me? i think its from an analytical or psychological perspective, exploring the limits of humanity and processing for myself why these things make me uncomfortable/where i feel them on my body/what is fear vs disgust idk. also very much enjoy fantasy/supernatural. 

6. are you a pantser or a planner? - almost always i have a plan, however there are some fics that come out of nowhere and i just have to write them. examples of this are enough and love; always

7. one shot or multi-chapter? - i usually try very hard to keep things as a one shot, and reserve series for things that actually have substance enough to extend past 3 chapters. lately, all my ideas have been very plot heavy or come from worlds i am very interested in exploring and/or have aspects of emotion i want to work through. if i cant keep it to a one shot (like...under 30k) i will make it a series and ill be angry at myself lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?  - anywhere from 5-9k is a solid, average chapter length for me. some chapters, in hero for example, need to be more than this because theyre the heavy plot chapters. i have been trying not to focus on lengths anymore, just want to write until the story is told

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?  - the longest story ive ever written is 154k in a different fandom and yes its complete. at the moment, hero is breaching 98k and i imagine it will be my longest when its completed

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?  - when it comes to series, hero and time runner will, and always will be, the most special things ive ever done. i feel at home and myself when im writing them. im in love with writing them. the ideas are so strong, and the characters are so loud and clearly defined it just is the best time making art ive ever had. - for one shots, light sakura was truly catharsis. i needed to write that. its the most personal, vulnerable thing ive ever written and will probably never produce something like that again unless theres another major event in my life. also absolutely adored writing molotov cocktail and empty vessels. those are both the easiest 30k ive ever produced

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)  - brooklyn is burning was technically a request and im extremely partial to it

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?  - oh yeah. usually my female characters are working through bad relationships or finding their voices, seeking identity and power in worlds that dont necessarily provide that. i write what i feel and what ive lived, the worlds around the characters are just exaggerations of reality and my imagination. theres always a little piece of me in my stories, and usually that piece comes down to them learning to trust which is something i struggle with

13. current number of wips?  - please i cannot share this number, not when im ashamed of the amount lmao

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1. smut is insanely hard for me 2. fluff is almost impossible, and could be considered my weakness. happiness is an external feeling, an outward experience. im a very bodied writer and finding joy or finding small bits of romance is difficult (largely because i live alone) so i will over explain aspects of the idol character or highlight small actions in the effort of holding onto them 3. i am still learning to trust the process

15. a quote you like from a published story.

‘Don’t confuse loyalty with strength,’ you say, as he releases you. You remain still, forehead pressing against the bars to get as close to him as possible. ‘I have no allegiance to you. My silence is not owed to you.’

‘Really?’ he says with disdain. ‘It was given so freely the last two days.’

‘Your ignorance proves you have never truly known a woman,’ you taunt. ‘We are always at war, even if we are silent.’

- from: hero - chapter 3

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Would it have been easier for you both to survive if you could be a needy, fragile little thing - not ready to die, not ready to leave him on his own?

The night before, Chanyeol held you close, kissed you until your throat felt raw, and made you realize he didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He loved the war in you, handled you like a blade between his fingers, skin unmarred by your sharp edges. He didn’t want it, but you wanted it, at least a little. You wanted him to know there were still traces inside you of the girl you lost.

from: time runner - chapter 7

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

hello beautiful loves. every moment you even click on one of my works an angel gets its wings <3

tagging: @yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @yoonia @kithtaehyung @inkedtae @kookdiaries @kookingtae @xiaokoo @sunshinekims @biaswreckingfics @ditzymax @sugaurora @bangtanhome @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @writtenwhalien @jinpanman @cutechim and anyone else who would like to do this <3 as always please only do so if comfy! 

[heybaetae]

i feel like i don't fit in anywhere its wild. i dont make gifs anymore but when i did, i was just 'there' i went to conventions for these shows i made gifs for but made no friends cus when i went i still felt like i didnt belong. then i got into the bts fandom & everyones so inviting but since i dnt make anything im not known here or have followers of the same interests. i cant seem to find a place on twitter cus they're so fast paced and im not that talkative & tbh they seem younger most the time. im just never able to fit in anywhere and its kinda isolating when i have these interests and ppl seem to have so many friends in these fandoms. like im rlyyyy enjoying this show right now but even when i made a post about it, i cant seem to connect with people personally. maybe im not being more forward. i barely talk to my only 2 friends. my ex was the closest person with me & i dont share that little world with them anymore. i feel like i've lost myself. idk if this make sense *sigh* its just hard to see ppl connect with each other and i feel like no matter how much we have in common i dont belong here.

hi friend ♡

first of all, thank you for trusting me enough to send this. i like to hope my inbox feels like a safe space for anyone who needs a person to confide in or to just air their feelings out. i hope just by writing this all out, you feel a little bit lighter.

secondly, i relate to a lot of what you described. listen, i’ve been doing this fandom thing for a long time on and offline, so i’ve definitely been around the block of knowing where i feel like i fit in and where i don’t. and while i wouldn’t necessarily call myself shy, i’m very introverted. i absolutely understand not being the talkative type and ultimately letting just that fact alone be what dictates whether or not you form any friendships in whichever fandom you’re trying to make them in. you are right in the sense that sometimes you do have to push yourself and be a little more forward with it. conversation starting is daunting, but that’s how we get literally everywhere, right? it’s such a simple answer, but so scary too and that’s okay.

i think online fandom spaces—especially within the last few years as the “tumblr fandom” generation slowly migrated into “stan twitter” which is, like you said, mostly dominated by much younger people in comparison and definitely not the place i’d worry too much about not fitting into because it’s a hell scape and you’re so, SO much better off not being “known” on that site unless the subject’s fandom is very small, trust me—has refigured the way a lot of us with a classic case of wallflower syndrome navigate through the communities we try to find a place in. 

now it comes with an overwhelming need to “contribute” to the community in some way, shape, or form or you’re downright invisible. of course this isn’t true and i’m not sure exactly where this train of thought came from (maybe it’s the euphoria of going viral and building up a following, knowing people will interact with your posts no matter what it is just because you’re funny, creative, talented, etc.), but it’s definitely at the root of why some of us feel isolated in a fandom nowadays and that kind of experience isn’t healthy in my opinion. you’re just setting yourself up for failure (read: cancellation) and WHO in their right mind genuinely wants that kind of pressure in return for a little attention? not me! that’s why i always try to remind myself that my metaphorical place in a fandom doesn’t have to stem from whether or not i’m contributing anything so long as it’s more “i want to do this simply because i like to and it brings me joy” and less “i feel obligated to do this in order to feel seen”. i hope that makes sense. 

you literally do not need to bring anything to the table to be included. there is always a bigger percentage of people who just exist liking that thing than people who go out of their way to show it. neither type of fan is any less. you belong where ever YOU decide to be. it’s always up to you. 

as for the making friends part? i really do wish i had the secret formula to this that would solve this issue for everyone, myself included, but i’m still figuring it out. i haven’t really broken through the loneliness of this fandom yet, but i’m honestly not in a hurry either. i really like vibing on my own here. i’m speaking from experience when i say i have been in other fandoms where i was very known. very followed. very seen. very WATCHED. very influential if i wasn’t careful with my words. it felt like a job position i could lose at any moment if i made one wrong move or voiced one wrong opinion. while i had a lot of friends and met a lot of people in real life, shared a lot of amazing experiences and made a lot of memories, that kind of toxic environment i spent years in changed how i participate in a fandom now. i’m more reserved. i’m very comfortable not being known. i’m less eager for vocalize my every thought. i seemed to think the relative popularity amongst people i shared a fandom with was gonna keep me happy, but it really didn’t. and those friendships weren’t built to last because people just...turn on you so fast. 

so. my best advice for being in a fandom these days is to find your circle of people and when you do (which you WILL), for the love of god, keep it small and keep it close. it’s so much better. take those baby steps. reach out to people, start convos, compliment someone’s work or respond to their thoughts. a lot of us are truly just circling each other aimlessly, too shy to speak up first. it’s more universal than you think.

sorry for this long rambly response that probably wasn’t very helpful. but this message struck with me because i really empathize and i’m very sorry you’re feeling this way now. it won’t last forever, that i know for sure. <3

[mikeshanlon]

psst share your outer banks coloring secrets

ah, yes, one of the worst shows to color lmaoooo. i'll try to give some tips but im sure as anyone who has tried to color this show knows each scene is diff and has it's own flavor of awful yellow/green/red shading.

some tips on how to go from this to this......

............under the cut! (warning v long and idk if i'm the best at explaining things lmao)

so firstly, i use this psd i made ages ago for everything (alecbaenes was my url many moons ago i just am too lazy to change and reupload). usually i will go into each individual layer of that psd and see how they work with the scene, and will change the opacity or turn off the layer depending on what looks best. generally for obx, i will lower the opacity on the gradient map layer, as well as certain vibrancy/curves/levels layers, ones that make the gif brighter and more vibrant. i will usually bring back some vibrancy and brightness later but when im first getting the base coloring, some layers just heighten the yellow/red and we need to kinda bring that down before we make adjustments to get aspects like skin color more accurate.

so, just with my psd/adjustments made to the psd layers, the gif may looks something like this: (going to use this gif bc i made it more recently so i remember some of the stuff i did better, and is the most accurate to my current process--plus it sucks to color lmao)

ususally still way to red/yellow for my liking, both for the skin tones and to be able to manipulate the colors for a vibrant coloring! so the next step is to get colors as close to how they are normally. warning, you will have to make 345435354 adjustment layers and just keep tweaking and tweaking... and tweaking. sometimes i will have like 20+ adjustment layers at the end of the process. i usually put all my adjustments under my psd--i also always add a vibrance and brightness layer above. sometimes it helps to do final tweaks above the psd if you just cant get anything right bc of course the psd will change how colors normally look.

anyways, usually my base fixes will be some sort of combination of curves, levels, color balance, and selective color. so like, if the gif needs more depth/darkness, or is way too bright, i will bring the curve down or up respectively. levels, and also increasing the black selective color layer will also add depth. i will also use auto curve sometimes! the first image i have below i circled some of the extra tools i may use--auto for auto curves, the top black eyedropper you select the darker points in your gif and it will adjust based on that, the bottom one for the lightest--if i use those i will either use the black one only, or the black and then the white. the other three are examples of how my curve layers may look--i already have S curves in my psd, so when i do extra curve adjustments, it's just one single point, and i don't move it that much. same with levels, i dont make a super dramatic change, when it's under the psd it's enough to just move a bit to make a big difference. sometimes i'll also bring these layers to a lower opacity.

generally my first step is color balance though, especially if the gif seems mostly fine lighting wise. for obx, i usually shift it towards cyan and blue to cancel out the red tones. magenta and green depends, if its more green i may move towards magenta and vice versa, but usually i dont shift it that dramatically and often leave it alone. i will usually move the bottom bar towards blue, to soften the yellow tones. color balance helps shift the overall colors of the gif. notice that it's on mid tones in these pictures:

as you can see, i shift the cyan/red one more dramatically than the yellow/blue, and with magenta and green i usually just move it 1-3 points over. in the last one, i actually shifted towards red above my psd layer, because after all my adjustments i lost some of the red/warmth, so i brought back in red.

with color balance/curves, the gif may looks something like this

less of a completely red/yellow filter over everything! but still not great, their skin is too red, and overall still not the best base to try colorings. so next up is selective color, which can really help you fine tune things, but because of that.... SUUUUPER tedious. i will have 3495874 selective color layers and sometimes like 5 of them will be half canceling each other out just to get something okay. but this is a hobby i've chosen so we must suffer LKRGJRG. generally, my realm revolves around red, yellow, and at times magenta or neutral. if you think back to how we fixed some of the colors with color balance, kind of a similar principle, just with the individual colors. and lots of experimenting. so with color balance i would cancel out reds by making them more cyan--on the red selective color, im also gonna turn up the cyan. for yellow, i'm gonna make it more magenta, to make the yellow tones warmer. i will tweak the other tones too, just kinda experiment to see how changing it affects the gif, and then soon you will kind of intuitively know how to change the values based on whats going on in the gif lighting. magenta selective color helps for red values that are more pink, so make them more red or yellow based on what you need--i don't use this as much, hence i didnt have an example in the crop of psds i opened, but it's helpful sometimes. with neutral selective color, it usually affects the whole gif, so again, only minimal changes--usually i will bring the black levels down if it got to bright, or add just a tinge or yellow or cyan or whatever i need. here's some pics to show examples of what mine looked like for this gif:

there were many more, but i just chose a few. the '1' and '2' i wrote to demonstrate that these layers were sequential, how they balance each other, and how selective color can be a tedious balancing act-- the second example it's like basically the opposite but it balances it out. also, if you have two characters with different skin tones, or the lighting is different for them, etc, you can use layer masks to erase certain adjustments so it only affects one of the subjects. some of these tweaks will be inbetween me transforming the gif to be colorful, and noticing how the colors interact, etc. so between this i was also making it colorful and it's not exactly the finished product at this stage: but this is kind of what the gif would look like after all the adjustments just to get it looking... normalish:

not totally perfect but MUCH better, and also will look a little different when surrounded by the colors i want to turn it into. i have some stuff about how i color in this tag, i can do a lil other tutorial or smth if needed but bc i have limited photo space on the ask and already wrote so much i wont get super into it here. but for shows like obx, it helps to work with a group of colors that will work with the show--yellows/oranges are easier bc of all the yellow already found in the show. pinks can be harder because there is so much yellow in the show, but doable. greens are good because of all the green in the show, and thus blues are good because its easy to go from green to blue with selective color and stuff. thus, purples are good too because its easy to go from blue to purple! stuff like that makes it easier. some work with selective color, hue and saturation, gradients, and voila!

you can see how maybe some of the issues like it being still a little too yellow/greeny toned balances out with the surrounding colors.

also, a big part of it is just practice! i've been giffing for yeaaaaaars and with media that has just the most god awful lighting so i've gotten good at understanding what to do and sometimes i'm just on auto pilot.

hopefully that helped, i know it was long winded and it can be hard to explain/understand photoshop. if y'all want some more in depth explanation about a part of the process i can try, or with other examples!

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

@megatraven

UGHHHGHGH. I keep thinking of Hades angst and yo,,I remember a screenshot from Astraeus route and I think it had Hades holding his scythe (from his Reaper) to MCs neck or something?? OR MAYBE I LIKE,,IMAGINED THAT??? But like,,imagine if that happened...

AND BTW THIS IS SUPER LONG IM SO SORRY JFEWFB.

MC doesn’t want to be Hera. She begs for anything else to happen to her. She’s lost, scared, in despair, and she needs a way out. And Hades knows this. Not just because she doesn’t want to die, but because like I headcannon, when a god takes over, you basically have to be in this abyss and watch what happens, ya know?? And honestly that IS terrifying, it makes sense for her to not want to be there. ESPECIALLY FOR ETERNITY?!?!?!? THAT WOULD BE HELL ITSELF!! AND SHE TELLS HADES THAT!!

So...she goes to him and begs him for a way out. And like...he has tried hard. He has taken the route in his own route (where he’s fought for her with everything) and it’s still not enough. They’re gonna make sure she becomes Hera, no questions, and they’re both scared. And MC has an idea and so does Hades, and neither of them like it. She basically asks him to kill her...And like my mind was like “NO!!!” And that screenshot came to mind (unless its fake and I hallucinated it-) and I was so sad because...in this AU he would. She’d beg and say how she’d rather die at his hands than the other Gods hands. Wants the last thing she sees to be her fiancée. Even if its a sad look, he’s still there. And that’s what she wants. She doesn’t want to be separated, to see him from afar, to see him suffer knowing he won’t hear her last words. 

Which would be “I love you.”

But she will not die at the hands of all the Gods. Part of MC thinks its to spite the Gods and say how they cant control her, another part is fear. And there’s a little part of hope in there, right in her chest, small but bright, hoping that she’ll find her way to him. She’ll be able to hold him again, see his purple eyes look at her with all the love in the world, and see everyone again. Well,,,everyone immortal. And she’s reminded of everyone. Hades sneaks Alex, May, Josh, the boys, and Aphrodite to see her. She tells them what she plans to do. Obviously, none of them like it. They hate it and suggest everything else, but MC can’t change her mind. She will not risk the chance of her keeping Heras power OR being stuck in an abyss forever. Just the mention of the idea makes everyone cringe because she’s right...that IS a hell. So...they spend one last night with her. They keep it quiet, watch a movie, talk, tell her what they all want to tell her. 

Especially ALEX!! ALEXXX!!! They’re scared to tell her. They know they will be denied and afraid to ruin everything at this last moment, but they need to tell her. So, they do. They tell her everything on their heart and she listens with surprised eyes. She was oblivious to this. She thinks its because she hasn’t been relaxed with them in a long time, so she never noticed, but now that it’s in front of her face...she realizes tHAT YEAH ALEX DOES LOVE HER AND HAS SHOWN IT BIJFBKF. And she smiles and “C” comes out of her mouth before she cuts herself off.

They’re not Cyprin here.

They’re Alex.

That’s who they have been to her all the time, and she smiles and pulls them into a hug. “Thank you, Alex. I love you too, I hope you know that Alex. Maybe not the same way, but you are my best friend, Alex. I love you, too.” She said Alex so many times, as if she was learning their name for the first time again. It makes them happy to hear it come from her lips again, and everyone loves the sweet moment. And Cerberus and his brothers give her hugs and Cerberus gets his aura out to cheer her up and keep things happy for a bit. Josh shares funny stories of cooking, his mishaps, and everything! Aphrodite tells her own stories, BASICALLY EVERYONE SHARES SOME WHOLESOME STORIES. EVEN MC!! SHARING HER FEELINGS OF EVERYONE AND HOW SHE LOVES THEMMM ALL!!!

 And when everything is said and done, its about 6 am, and the Gods are coming for her. They’re coming to take her to the throne room, but no.

They won’t get her.

They can’t.

Everyone leaves them alone, but they all give her a kiss on the cheek or forehead and a TIGHT hug because they will miss her. THEY WILL!! And May and Josh basically threaten that she better know that. She knows that and promises that she’ll be watching them from the afterlife and it makes them all cry harder, but they leave and its just Hades and MC. However, to be NSFW real quick, they ‘get together’ before it happens bc honestly,,,idk thats just where my mind went lol. AND THEN,, THE TIME HAS COME,, HE HAS TO KILL HER BECAUSE HE PROMISED HER!! He calls upon his Aura and MC notices the sad look on the Reaper and she gives them both one last smile. The Scythe is at her neck and Hades’ tears streak down his face as she closes her eyes and takes her final breath. He was holding her hand and the grip was tight, and it went limp (Idk what he’d do necessarily?? Just uses the scythe to take her soul). She was falling to the ground but he caught her instantly and held her to him as he cried on the floor. What would he tell the Gods? What would he do? What will he do without her? He has his friends and everyone to back up that she wanted this...but still. 

What will he do without her? Who will be the light to his shadows? 

Zeus and Poseidon come through his door (not even knocking), and they call out for Hades, but they speed up when they hear Hades sobs. They come to the main room (idk I assume the door is a littles away from the main room like the living room) and they see Hades clutching MCs body to him. There’s no blood, no struggle, nothing. Just him holding the love of HIS LIFE in his arms, knowing he just ended the life of someone he loves once again...

Zeus and Poseidon just stand there for a second. Hades refuses to look them in the eye, cant look at them, and just looks at his lover...the one he loves so much...But he can’t avoid it forever. He looks up at his brothers and Zeus is furious and Poseidon is sad. Zeus is so close to attacking him, but Poseidon grabs his arm with a TIGHT grip. Poseidon isn’t even looking at anyone, just at the ground. “Hades...what happened?” His voice isn’t angry, it’s just sad, and worried. Zeus still can’t say a word. Hades looks back up at them. 

“She...she wanted it to end.” His voice was shaky and tears still streamed down his face. “She told me...she wanted it to be me. For me to end it. Not you.” He growled the ‘you’ out. “She didn’t want to be trapped in an abyss for eternity. And it makes sense. None of us want to be trapped...”. He stops there, he can’t continue. He looks back down at her and hugs her body closer to him. 

“The Reaper has taken yet another soul...” he whispers out, and his brothers hear him. This time, even Zeus is sad. He’s never seen his older brother like this (yh I found out Hades is the OLDEST FIREJBFD). This emotional and this heart broken. Or maybe he has and he just never payed attention. That makes him realize his actions and everything he’s done. Its shameful and he stares at MC as well, feeling his heart drop. And its not just because of Hera...its because she was going to be his sister-in-law (I think that’s what they are??? IDK MEG-) and that is an innocent woman. He doesn’t know how to face this (not even my Zeus knows how to face his emotions-), so he just walks to Hades and goes to sit beside him. Hades flinches away from him and his hold tightens on her for a moment, and both brothers understand why he does that. But they just sit beside him, in silence. “She asked you?”

“Yes. I would not take her life for no reason...I would NEVER even dream of it”. Poseidon hears the bite in his voice and the way its darker from his power, the power he tries to hide and not flaunt around like everyone. He just nods and it goes silent. “But at least...it wasn’t painful...”. Hades whispers it out. He knew the ritual would be painful, he knows it is. Not from experience but the ritual takes the soul apart...it’s going to hurt. He wouldn’t wish that pain on her. He would give his life, but the Gods wouldn’t accept it. Hell, he’s lucky they let him have her for one more night. The tears have stopped because they can’t continue. They always rise to the surface, but won’t drop. “I lost her...she’s gone...it’s all our faults...”. Hades made sure they all knew it was their faults. Not them but the Gods in general. They’re desperation for a Goddess who didn’t want to come back, who BEGGED to not come back, led to the death of an innocent woman. Led to a woman wanting to die. And I imagined Hades finally telling Zeus the whole truth like...it’s an emotional moment, and he feels like he should tell him.

“Zeus,” he says, his voice back to normal since he’s reigned his power back in, “Hera wanted to die. She asked me to take her, so I did. But she made me promise her to not let her come back. Never. Or maybe until she was ready, I’m not sure exactly. And when I found [MCs mothers name]...”. His breath catches at the mention of MCs mother who was also taken to early, a woman he loves as well, who was killed by the Gods. Direct or not didn’t matter. “She was Hera’s reincarnation and I...I was a little afraid. I made H.E.R.A with her and Aphrodite and I planned to tell her of her power that she held. But...I realized that I cared for her. Not in a romantic way, but she was a sister to me, I cared for her dearly, yet she was taken away from us because of US!” His voice was louder, and his eyes were shut still facing MCs body. Poseidon and Zeus flinch at his voice, not used to Hades being this angry even if they understand why he’s angry. “And I had to hold her in my arms when she died...and it moved to MC...and I fell for her, and I’ve done everything I can. But none of you wanted to think of her. Think of a woman who has done SO MUCH for us, a woman who has already suffered because. OF. US!” 

When he mentioned that she had done so much for them, they were reminded of his s1 when basically everyone disappeared and was taken, yet MC was such a big factor into helping them...and they forgot that. They shouldn’t have, but they did. And it hurt them all. 

AND AWAY FROM HADES TELLING ZEUS AND POSEIDON HIS STORY, they have a funeral on Earth. Even Hades will not bury her on Olympus. A part of him wants to since her mother is buried there, but he remembers Josh, May, and Alex. None of them will come to Olympus anymore, he knows it, and he won’t torture them by forcing them to come to Olympus to see her. And its all emotional. And,,,Hades tells everyone (as in her close family,,including May bc she IS family AND THE BOYS!!) that he’s sorry, but they know he did his best. Aphrodite witnessed it, and so did everyone else. And for the few years...it’s all silent. Hades attends meetings and does his work because he knows MC wants him to. MC wants him to keep living, being kind, helping people, and being Hades. But she asked him to promise her something...promise to never love another. And it was promised with NO hesitation. He loves her and no one else and he’s lucky to have had the chance to love her

ESPECIALLY AFTER KNOWING ALEX LOVES HER!! THEY’VE KNOWN HER LONGER AND HONESTLY HADES IS A LITTLE SURPRISED SHE DIDNT END UP WITH ALEX IFBHKRJEBWB. But like I said, everything is silent, emotionless. Everyone smiles from time to time, but it’s mainly quiet. Well, some of the Gods don’t care, and he honestly gets PISSED when he sees that, but he just goes back to his estate or his condo. Probably his condo since he has more memories of her there. She was never one for Olympus. It was beautiful to her, but it made her anxious, so the condo (and her apartment) was her safe place. And he goes to the fridge the day of her funeral and guess what he sees??? GUESS WHAT HE SEES??? He sees MCs baked goods. He takes them out and eats them and tastes how sweet and full of love they are. He KNOWS it will be a long time before he can taste this type of sweetness again, but he’ll happily wait 1,000 years if that’s what it took for her to come back to him. And he’ll keep his promise. 

He will find his light again. He will. And maybe his light will find him. Light needs darkness after all....

UGH MEGGG!!! IM SAD!!! BUT I LOVE IT!!! LITERALLY STILL SOBBING AT THIS IDEA 😭. I JUST!!! LOVE HADES SO MUCH!!! AND HIM BEING EMOTIONAL AND STILL BE SO HARD AT UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS IS SO AMAZING!!!! I love him and hNNNG IM SO SAD. I hope you like this and sorry its so long...

Love you 💙 💙. I’m so sad,,,but I love it and I hope you’re sad as well 😭 😭.

[stimmypaw]

stimmypaw reads Thunder & Shadow, another blog post

much like the first time, I am continuing to read A Vision of Shadows for the first time and sharing my thoughts as I go! This post of course has a bunch of spoilers for Thunder and Shadow. It’s all in the read more, have fun!

I'm so glad echosong is okay but what will she do??? Where will she go??? I'm so worried

I don't like it that Briarlight is stuck in the medicine den all day, love to see her playing with kits and showing her strength tho she's so sweet and good she deserves better

Now littlecloud is sick too???? Fuck!!!!

Also seems Needlepaw and Alderpaw haven't managed to get along better yet, maybe Alderpaw can talk to her through Leafpool since she's going to Shadowclan?

Also graystripe is awful as always and I love him 2 bits

I love Rowanstar's character too, he's so stupidly proud. Shadowclan has a fun trend of having a long line of mediocre to awful leaders and I feel bad for Tawnypelt, Shadowclans braincell who should be leader.

Jayfeather is gonna miss his friends

YES, SKYCLAN!!!! SKYCLANNNN

Twigkit lifting her front paws im 💖💖💖💖 AAAAA BABY

Graystripe :] he's silly

Omg feather time

If something bad happens to this feather ill fraud my taxes I will commit many crimes this delivery must happen safely and if anyone takes it from violetkit I will Kill

Omg sleekpaw don't be so mean poor littlecloud :c medicine cats are important!!

I see alderpaw leaving his feather behind alderpaw get it to violetkit Now

Oh God imagine being puddlekit, shadowclan needs to get its shit together real fast

Leafpool is just that picture (i do not see) while trying to process the mess they got her in

OKAY SO I'm glad he's getting along with needlepaw and that he can finally give violetkit her feather but LITTLECLOUD GUYS??? LITTLECLOUD?????????

My heart melted with violetkit, this was so sweet, why are the queens so mean to her??? She's just an autistic icon bro!! Like every cat I like in these books.

Alderpaw: hey I have an idea, why don't we commit crimes?

Needlepaw: FINALLY I THOUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK

VIOLETKIT POINT OF VIEW FINALLY???? FUCK YES YESSSS YES YES SHADOWCLAN TIME IM SO HAPPY THIS IS SO COOL

Last time this happened the character immediately died tho

Hm

I am suffering for violetkit

i wish violetkit would spend more time with leafpool im sure she’d be caring maybe?? maybe im just desperate for violetkit to be loved

no one here knows how to treat a kit

OH YES YESSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS SSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHEYRE TOGETHER AGAIN

im so sad

im 

broooooo

aaaaa i hope needlepaw treats violetkit better from now on, this is hearbreaking.

Fuck I knew it, the rogues are coming for them aren’t they? And where’s Skyclan now????? fuck fuck fuck

ok I have no clue who Fernsong is but he’s funny already why is he like this what is happening why is he blocking them from looking at Honeykit while talking about how worried he is about her?? Absolutely misterious I love him

  Jayfeather 🤝 Yellowfang

 “I don’t want kits around me”

oh the girls are fighting

oh the girls ARE fighting

furzepelt had a cool name im sorry to hear he only existed to die immediately :c

onestar also is very proud, im glad he accepted help this time tho

SPARKPAW MED CAT MOMENT HAHAH

i forgot bumblestripe was a cat and i was wondering if it was just a typo for bramble

also what’s up with dove and tiger??? i forgot everything about their relationship in the previous books because i don’t care about it and the erins tend to write some pretty boring straight couples

the way they’re described makes me feel like needlepaw and sleekpaw are just differently colored versions of each other at times, are they related?? they don’t seem to be.

and here’s the bit that’s previewed, oh boy, it must have been seriously scary being violetkit, but i hope they don’t convince her the clans hate her :c thunderclan likes her shadowclan just sucks

What do these background cats want from Twigkit???? To shoot lasers out of her eyes?? I guess she isn’t magical or anything but also she’s just a kit??? Firepaw was also just a kittypet and he’s a big deal :/// y’all just don’t get it, I hope Twigkit doesn’t get Dovepaw’s protagonist anxiety

I know Twigkit is being scolded but this scene is just so cute like Jayfeather is just tucking her in a moss bed while being mad at her for leaving camp

Thats another one I need to draw i love them

SPARKPELT YESSSSS YESS SYE SYES YES 🎊🎉🎉🎉🎊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈💖💖💖💖💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💕

Mothwing ableist????? That's cringe

Omg poor kestrelflight

Jayfeather misses Leafpool so bad, Puddlepaw must feel awful though

OLD AGE? H HOW OLD IS LEAFPOOL THEN???

?????? OH GOD IM LOVING THIS???

This apprentice rebellion is Nuts its so good oh fuck!!! I'm loving whats happening here its awful and perfect

Violetkit is getting bitter :c she needs 2 be embraced and loved stat

She is also clearly getting some bad dependency and abandonment issues, desperate to do anything to please so she won't be left alone again :c

FUCK NO NO NO AAAA NEEDLEPAW WHAT WWERE YOU THUNKING??????? JESUS POOR VIOLETKIT

Kitnapping, this is bad

Oh, very interesting

These apprentices and rogues are so smart god this is a perfect plan

Twigkit absolutely is the sunshine

I love her interactions with Alderpaw, I wish she had gotten to see her sister

In comparison Violetkit looking around camp desperate for attention is awful

Oh fuck bribing

NEEDLEPAW DONT BE MEAN TO VIOLETKIT :C

Oh fuck ou fuck the 4chan kids are angry

??? BRO WHAT??? DONT KICK OUT VIOLETKIT, THATS WHY YOUR APPRENTICES TURNED INTO ANCAPS DAMN

I'm angy

Oh no

Something bad happened :c

Bramblestar: good day!

Rowanstar: Oh Is it??? You could say that while starving in winter, cringe ass

Mistystar: its not winter tho

Onestar: well you're fat

God rowanstar must be obliterated

Hey where's the rowanstars maps use idk loon on a lake or something this man has angst!!!

I appreciate Ivypool is her mentor, at least Someone is honest about whats going on and hey they can both relate on the fear of not being special! Ivypool can be very good to Twigpaw im counting on her

Oh fuck

Violetpaw sounds like she's in trouble with the rogues :c aa

AAAA TWIGPAWWWW AAAA

Violetpaw don't be mean about your sister :C she misses you so bad

Sleekwhisker is like that dad that let his kid starve until she learned to open a bean can she didn't want

Holy fuck

Aaaa violetpaw D:

Jesus christ that was awful

That was so intense I was so nervous for Violetpaw, I'm really happy for her now aaaa

Another gathering already? Wowie

I hope Shadowclan gets those herbs soon :c

I see he appeal in FernIvy and I appreciate it

Violetpaw and Twigpaw sharing a den my heart......this is IT

Jayfeather: I want to steal

I'm listening to Burn Pygmalion! and "viscious kin" is very fitting for this series ehhehe

I love violetpaw and twigpaw btw

IM CRYING

I cant believe Alderpaw is an all lives matter kinda guy

Yesss rebel get those herbs alreadyyy

Starclan has agreed to let kestrelflight kill onestar, goodbye onestar /j

Epic I love you harespring

Alderpaw being confused at Jayfeather saying he is proud is the Best

What an ending! Terrifying and hopeful at the same time, I am very excited to see the hijinks Bramblestar and Rowanstar will get into and how they will go searching for Skyclan, it was PAINFUL to have that prologue talking about them with 0 hope of them showing up again Nothing Nada Zilch, feels like that and the ending were just 2 remind us that that was still the major plot point hahaha, I appreciate it I guess. I'm glad Violetpaw and Twigpaw are on uh good terms despite it all, not very ideal and they're both upset but they still consider each other siblings and know they care about each other :'0 Alderheart getting his name is epic too!!! I was hoping he would soon. I loved everything about his interactions with Jayfeather here, loved all the characterizations really it was just top notch, Onestar being a bastard, Needletail, OH AND SHADOWCLAN JOINING THE ROGUES, top notch!!!! The ancap apprentices were a riot.

This was a good book!!! Flowed very nicely and smoothly, reading in shadowclan's point of view for more than around 3 chapters was great. I can barely wait for the rest!!! Will Violetpaw find belonging in this new era of Shadowclan??? Or will she leave again??? Will Alderheart somehow figure out where Skyclan is and get them together at the lake??? Will Twigpaw get all the spicy details of Dovewing's secret romance with Tigerheart??? Who knows!! But I am very excited to find out what happens next :D

[kyoko0001]

Please share and use these!

5 More KuroFai stories I want to read and will have to write if no one does it for me! 

1 ~ We all know Kurogane is sorta the rock of the TRC family but just like the rest of them he is dealing with the serious emotional trauma. By dealing with I mean he isnt. Can we talk for a second about how Kurogane got sent away for MURDERING PEOPLE? Sure they were challenging him/putting Princess Tomoyo in danger but even the other ninja (who have the same freaking job) Thought he had a problem. Guys thats fucked uuuuup! I want a story where Fai helps Kurogane realize that he has some serious anger issues and anxieties and just sorta drinks his feeling away with booze.  I’ve always wanted to write a scene where perhaps after a battle where Kurogane almost isn't able to protect Syaoran or Sakura, he just has all these emotions he doesn't know what to do with and snaps at Fai (I would actually love it if Kurogane separates himself from everyone to get a grip and Fai find’s him crying/on the verge of a panic attack) I would love for Fai to read our favorit grumpy ninja like an open book and tell him its ok to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even like your failing because your’re only human and just sorta have a little therapy session because Fai might not be able to fix his own problems but he’s good with other peoples. bonus points if Fai just sorta lets Kurogane lay his head in his lap/on his chest and talk while he lets his hair. 

2 ~ Im a slut for a good Yama fic. (there are an alarming amount that make Fai out to be a total wimp and have to many elements of noncon/dubcon for my taste) So stick with me here lol. We know a heck of a lot more about what Kurogane’s world is like vs. Fai’s. We know that Kurogane lived in Suwa till he was a young teen and his mother and father died then he went to the capital and served as a ninja. I dont think we ever see him in an actual army army though? As for Fai we have no idea. We just know he has  a lot of fighting experience and the only other character we know of from his world is pulled out of RG Veda which was full of warrior clans/armies/wars so my view of Celese has always been heavily influenced by that. I would loooove a fic where Fai adjusts to life in Yasha’s war camp with surprising ease and the entire time they go though the 6 months its just reminder after reminder of home for him but in a good way? Like King Ashura is the ‘god of war/destruction’ in RG veda and the whole ‘curse to go mad’ thing is super similar to RG veda plot lines so idk I cant help myself. I just picture him learning how to use magic and growing up on a battle field with Ashura raising him in an insanely irresponsible way so the mess tents, the bathing situation, the training and drills all remind him of some happy memories of Celese before everything went to shit. bonus points if he enjoys not having to fake smile and talk to anyone. extra bonus points if as soon as they are alone Fai babbles in his own language to Kurogane to get those feelings off his chest. 

3 ~ I would love to read a fic where Fai and Kurogane are not a ‘thing’ yet. Like Fai knows he is totally attracted to Kurogane but isnt willing to cross that line and Kurogane thinks Fai is hot as hell but he doesn't want to get involved so they both totally ignore it till they get to a world where they run into versions of themselves that are totally grossly PDA-ie in love love and see them macking on each other. (or you know... they get separated and this worlds Kurogane grabs Fai’s butt because he totally mistook him or the other way around) and eventually the two pairs of them sit down and have a talk about ‘I cant believe you guys are married/I cant believe  you guys arn’t married’ bonus points if it ends with Kurogane and Fai sleeping together for the first time and its adorable and sweet and awkwardly perfect. 

4 ~ I would love a fic where Fai gets Bronchitis or a chest cold and is just coughing his brains out and Kuroagne cannot stand it because it reminds him of how his mother was sick with (I think it was tuberculosis right?) and he is just stuck to Fai and fretting over him. bonus points if he has to leave Fai for some reason and has one of those ‘his heart suddenly stopped’ when he gets home and the house is stone cold quite but that’s because Fai is taking a nap. 

5 ~ I would love an AU where Fai comes to Suwa with his twin who specializes in healing magic to give Lady Suwa a brake and Kurogane is like 6-7 and falls stupidly head over heels for Fai after he sees him kick ass against the demons as though it were nothing and ends up following him around like a puppy and begs for Fai to teach him how to use magic to. Of course Fai humors him even though Kurogane has almost no magic and could never pull it off and they make some wonderful memories untill its time for Fai to go back to his own country. Time passes and Kergry grows up and goes with his father to attend a wedding int he neighboring kingdom and who does he see? Well Fai of course!! (he isn’t the one getting married) and Fai is just blow away by how handsome Kuro-chan is now that he is all grown up. Fai having powerful magic hasnt changed much and they have a heck of a night at the wedding. Bonus points if there is something that happens at the wedding like an attack or skirmish of some sort and Fai ends up lossing his eyes and Kurogane agrees to become his prey without a second thought so now they both are stuck together for ever and ever. the classic boy meets boy--boy losses boy--boy meets boy again and refuses to loose him--and boy and boy learn to trust and love each other!! 

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

[linos-teeth]

[1/?] Hhhh sorry for disappearing for a week too it's been a (mentally, but i can sense the howework is coming for my ass soon) busy time ig?? God it went, idk, better than i expected but at the same time worse? Idk im just mostly alone all the time except when i can hang out with friends in the higher grade (we dont have the same schedule so it's rare) but in my class? Fuck, your boy got no one JDSVKS but i think i made a friend today but im not sure?

[2/?] We exchanged numbers and she was nice but she seems too cool,, for me,, idk how to act around new people anymore,, so yeah basically how my week went, alone in my sadness and already crying because of school lol so i feel you, i reallly want to just run away from responsibilities :) my new school is ugh idk, i’m not used to be this free with basically everything so it’s weird for me? Schedule’s kinda ok, ppl in my class are (for now) rather normal, teachers are ALL jdh BOR I N G– anyway!!

[3/?] It’s sad you’re not going to see your friend before next year, god :(( i hope you’ll get good friends at uni,,— and well not stress too much abt real life eiTHER and erm i cant offer advices or anything obviously but fuck yeah i’m (for the 373929th time, i’m sorry for ALWAYS repeating myself) here to listen :(((

[4/4, finally] + dont apologize abt not gif-fing (??) anymore, really, your mental health is way more important!! Take all the time you need to figure things out n all, and understand im not saying we dont care abt your gifs (i personnaly rlly like them!!), but its toTALLY OK AND UNDERSTANDABLE YOU TAKE CARE OF URSELF FIRST anyway i may have forgot things i wanted to say? But its getting rlly long so ill stop here but basically ily and wish u good luck with finding a place and all that stuff! 💕

HELLO FRIEND guess who disappeared for over a week i’m the one who’s sorry :// i feel you soso much wow my mind is just like.....dead i was away for 3 days this week to sort stuff out with the other uni in person like i had to hand in a document to receive another and bus connections are disgusting so i had to stay 2 nights but!!! it went well the counsellor was rly sweet (good bc i felt like i’d offended her when we were exchanging emails rip) and now i’ve got all my documents on the way and i just need them to arrive on time aka monday which is the deadline for applications aND THEN I’M GOOD TO GO!!! i also have a rly nice place to stay temporarily with a family and their baby randomly loves me and the guy and i share the same favorite football club so life‘s quite alright (just the wifi uh....kinda sucks so.........idk what that means for this blog yet)

bUT!!! i hope hw is treating u alright and school too! sucks that the ppl you get along with don’t share classes with you but i’m glad you have them still!! and the girl too i hope she’s still being good and i don’t have to beat anyone up bc wtf nonny i rly don’t think she’s too cool for u!! like coolness rly is subjective and maybe you’re her brand of cool! like i don’t think i’m cool but ppl say i am and i find ppl cool who think they aren’t you feel me?? but yeah anyway i hope that is going well ♥ i get the freedom part i cried sm when i started uni bc they don‘t rly tell you shit any more and me as someone who needs detailed instructions for everything i was like jhaskfjahskfjahskfas

also sue me but i think boring teachers are the best the fun ones usually turned out to be fake for me tbh bUT I DON’T WANNA BE NEGATIVE

but i don’t like the sound of the sad :/// are u feeling better?

bUT YEAH THE PLAN IS TO SHARE WITH U AND MY FOLLOWERS (even tho i don’t wanna rant too much without rly contributing to the community you know) except i’ve been kinda hating tumblr lately esp with birthday season i got some big blog crisis again (ha look at ur part 4......i failed u again sorry) BUT I’M RLY TRYING AND I GOT SOMEONE TO HIT ME WITH A LITERAL STICK WHEN I TALK SHIT ABT MY BLOG SO!! DW

but yeah i’ll try to reply quicker from now on!!! i hope you had a good week pls know that i love you and i’m sending you hugs always ♥♥♥

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P