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ladyvesuvia · 3 years

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Try // [D.M.]

[Navigation] [Masterlist]

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader

Requested?: No

Summary: A loveless arranged marriage between two people who had not bothered to try to make it work in the first place. (omfg i hate writing summaries btw enemies to lovers, thanks @samineisntmyname ily i kno it wasnt what u had in mind but i wanted to add something ahdhdj)

Disclaimer: GIF NOT MINE! I do not own any of the characters in this story.

Words: 2.9k

Warnings: a n g s t

A/N: OK SO i had so much ideas for this oneshot but it’s 7am and i haven’t slept and i fell out of love with it. sorry if it doesn’t feel like draco, i haven’t got a good grip on his character yet + i’m more of a harry stan and this hasn’t been proofread so i might edit it later aaaaa msdjskkala

It was a big house, spacious enough to fit an entire lot. Different rooms for different purposes, large windows and lovely doors. . .It was nothing at all like the gloomy and somber demeanor of the Malfoy Manor, but the couple knew full well that it would soon turn worse. Deprived of a happy family to occupy its beautiful expanse, each corner of the abode would crumble as fast as a Snitch would vanish.

Draco Malfoy, whose personality was now his career alone, kept to himself in their bedroom. Calling it a shared bedroom was quite a bit of a stretch, given that [Y/N] never slept in it even on the first day they moved in. Draco did not know about her whereabouts, and he did not find himself worried about it at all; as she didn’t meddle with his own. To him, it was only as if they were the only people living in Hogwarts, crossing paths only whenever, hearing the other’s footsteps shuffle distantly as they once again parted ways.

They would be having their first anniversary in a week or two, and yet their marriage was still as loveless as a mandrake’s sob — the only thing [Y/N] could use as an analogy with. Tonight, it was the same as usual. Both were sitting at the two far ends of the lengthy table, eating bland soup. [Y/N] finished earlier, about to leave the table without bothering to look up when Draco rose from his seat, the chair making a deafening creak as it retracted.

As her eyes met his, Draco immediately thought of another’s gaze — that of Astoria Greengrass’s. The pair of eyes staring back at him was empty, hollow, and — if it were possible — dead. He had never seen this woman smile. Merlin, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen her at all. Why’d he stand again?

She didn’t seem interested, much less concerned. Just as she was about to turn away again, he called out her name; surprising not only her but himself as well for he had never said her name before. He only referred to her as names a married couple gave each other, just like she always did with him. The two were not familiar with each other that they couldn’t even be bothered to know the other’s name.

“You can sleep in our bedroom,” said Draco, flinching at what he called the room. Our bedroom? “If you want to.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I must decline.” She replied in the same monotonous tone she always had. “If that’ll be all, then farewell.”

“No, that’s not all.” She halted once more. He couldn’t read her stance, and no assumption seemed fitting. Too relaxed to be annoyed, too stiff to be angry. . . As she turned to face him again in the same gaze she held, his grip tightened on the back of the table he was leaning on. “Our anniversary.”

“What about it?” [Y/N] made silent strides back toward her seat, sitting down effortlessly.

“What about it?” Draco repeated humorlessly, biting back his tongue in an effort to not burst into flames. He scoffed as he started to unbutton the high-collared shirt he wore, sweat covering his neck. “I’m trying, [Y/N]. I’m trying to make this marriage something.”

“You mean something that it’s not.”

“You — !” He ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing what to say at all. “This is maddeningly frustrating!”

She simply stood up from her seat, wiping her fingers with a napkin, not meeting his eyes.

“It is, isn’t it?”

“Stop talking like that,” he spat. If there was one more thing he hated, it’s the way she delivered herself. This was not their first argument — if it even was one — but it wasn’t their umpteenth one, either. In fact, it was only their second. He wanted her to be angry, to talk back, to throw something at him — anything at all. He simply wanted to know that he was not the only one angry to be put in this wretched life, forced to walk the same repetitive routine in this dull manor. “Merlin, [Y/N], I’m trying—”

“No. No, you’re not, and I don’t want you to.” [Y/N] scratched her nose, as if this was only a minor inconvenience in her otherwise tidy life, silencing Draco. She had never spoken to him like this before. Her words and her gaze were that of daggers, but her tone was still empty — monotonous. “You’re only saying you are to convince yourself that you’re the lesser of two evils. Asking a spouse to sleep in the same room as you does not equate to trying, as you call it. Have a good night, my sweet.”

With that, she gave him a hollow smile and left the dining room. Draco heard the front door open and close a while later. He hated that woman — loathed her. He hated that he couldn’t even get a proper argument with her. Let her have the last word, let her win, he didn’t care. But he just wanted a back-and-forth quarrel. He wanted her to hate him as much as he hated her. Hate, hate, hate, and hate. Why can’t he have even just that?

Draco enchanted the table, cleaning it up quickly. Folders in hand, he trudged back to their—no, his bedroom—with spite, taking the longest route, unconsciously hoping to cross paths with his wife. He casually paused each room he passed by: the library, the drawing room, the conservatory. . .

Could it be that she ran away? There was no time to lose. Draco dropped the folders he was holding, the papers flying away like confetti in the hallways, some falling down to the floor below. His footsteps ricocheted, reverberating across the entirety of the manor. She would’ve heard him by now. Where is she?

Just when he was about to shout her name at the top of his lungs, his eyes caught on something moving outside from the turret window to his left. Draco took a peek, squinting his eyes to see what was happening outside.

Under the mournful moonlight, he could make out the silhouette of something shaped like a certain fruit, moving like a swing would. It was a hammock.

It swung back and forth and as it slowed down on its own, a leg popped out, backed up a bit then a few moments later the hammock was back in motion.

“She’s alright,” Draco muttered under his breath. “She’s fine.” For the first time in a long while, he let is shoulders drop, realizing just now that he had been concerned about the woman he loathed with every fiber of his being.

He couldn’t bring himself to be angry at how he reacted, for the view he just saw was strangely calming. How could he not know she set up camp outdoors? Was he that bad of a person? Has he really not changed yet? They’ve been living together for a year yet he knew absolutely nothing about her.

Draco Malfoy knew little of who she is and was, and this simple charade was enough proof. All information he had of her were common knowledge, a general description of how she was seen by the public: [Y/N] [Y/L/N] was the only child of the [Y/L/N] family, always left to her own devices. Lone wolf — at some point, the Daily Prophet sparked speculations about her being a werewolf, but that’s another story — daughter of the honorable family comes back to London. She was supposed to enroll at Hogwarts. However, due to an unknown reason, they had to transfer her to Beauxbatons at the last minute.

This unknown reason had not bothered him until now. As he watched the hammock slow down once more, he couldn’t help but think about the conversation at the dining table. Maybe he just shouldn’t have spoken. Did he really think he could make a difference? What did he even expect her to say? Ridiculous.

Too lost in his own thoughts, it took some time for him to notice raindrops staining the turret window. Pitter-patter, it said tauntingly. Through the blurry glass, he noticed his wife struggle to get out of the hammock, tripping a bit. He couldn’t see her face now, but she was frantically picking up her stuff she left on top of her sandals, making her way back to the Manor.

Crap, crap, crap — the scattered papers. Draco pulled out his wand, ready to call out a charm to clean up. Only that he was out of words.

The back door creaked open.

He jogged to the opposite hall, careful not to make a sound. Just — a — few — more steps and—

Their eyes met. She had come from the stairs. Her hair was damp from the rain. She did not stop walking, but she looked away already.

His hand was on the knob already, and he thought for a moment she was going to come into the room with him, but she walked straight ahead, to the direction where he came from. If she noticed the scattered sheets of paper, she didn’t say anything.

As he lay in bed, he thought of what she told him at dinner.

You’re only saying you are to convince yourself that you’re the lesser of two evils.

The same words kept repeating over and over in his head, a loop he couldn’t stop. It would have been so easy to reason with her, only that he knew she was right.

On the night before their anniversary, [Y/N] left a box outside his room’s door. A watch seemed like a practical gift, and she did not know him well enough — not that she wanted to anymore.

She gave up on that after realizing she was not getting anything out of this pathetic excuse of a marriage. She had seen the way he avoided her gaze when they came home after getting married — the way he hurriedly took off his coat jacket, unbuttoned his collars, cufflinks, and took a nap.

Of course, she did not blame him, for she felt the same way. You can’t just put two people in a confined space and expect them to love each other. That’s not how it worked.

As she walked away to visit the manor’s library, the door swung open. She kept walking, not wanting to look back.

“[Y/N],” her husband started. “Would you like to sleep here?”

She turned around, meeting the eyes of the man who wore the same ring she did. “Does the bed have bolster pillows?”

He seemed taken aback. Probably not the answer he was expecting. “Oh, yeah.”

“Alright, then.” [Y/N] started walking to the room, already regretting her decision as he scooped up the box she left on the floor.

She took in the plain interior of their bedroom. The bed was as unkempt as her husband’s hair, but she didn’t mind.

That night, they lay next to each other for the first time since they moved in. Both were turned away from each other, and even though an hour has passed, they both knew the other was awake.

[Y/N] looked at her own watch. 23:48, it said. Only a few minutes until their anniversary.

“Did you love her?” Draco flinched. Something told him this wasn’t the only surprise he’d encounter later on. “Astoria, I mean.”

“How’d you know her name?”

“I happened to be curious about whoever this schmuck I was about to marry, you can’t blame me.”

It was like talking to a different person. Just a few days ago, she’d been so formal with him. Now. . .he didn’t even know what to call it.

“I guess you could call it that.”

“Cool,” she answered back, but she was already lost in her own thoughts once more. “I wish I knew how that felt.”

“You’ve never loved someone?”

“I may have, but it got taken away before I could find out if it was love in the first place.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” [Y/N] shifted in her position, now looking straight up at the high ceiling. Draco turned to her, taking in her side profile. He had never seen her up close, for he realized just now that she wasn’t that bad. In fact, she was beautiful in a way he couldn’t point out. She licked her slightly parched lips, looking back at him. “How do you feel when you dream of someone who doesn’t know you very well?”

He knew the answer to the question. But he couldn’t just tell her that, because he had dreamt of her a number of times in different scenarios he refused to recall. “I don’t know, I’ve never had that kind of dream.”

“I transferred to Beauxbatons after they wiped my best friend’s his memories of me. Messed him up a bit, had to be confined to a hospital for a while and my parents wanted to keep it silent. Bribed the Ministry of Magic to not publish anything about it and soon there were no more stories about me, just rumors.”

“Best friend?”

“Yes,” she gulped, as if telling this was using up all the energy she had. “Known each other long before I received a letter from Hogwarts. Showed him simple magic tricks — Muggle card tricks — but then he found out I was a real witch. He thought it was cool, but the department of Improper Use of Magic thingy wasn’t very happy. Had to Obliviate the crap out of him. Felt weird seeing him leaving his home, knowing that he no longer knew me. They sent me to my aunt in France to study in Beauxbatons after I tried to get in contact with him.

“Then I asked if I could return, and I was over the moon when they told me that I could. Packed my bags as fast as I could in hopes of seeing him again even from afar, but then I get home and find out I’m getting married.”

“Sorry,” said Draco, not knowing exactly what to say. He’d been rough with her wife since ever, and she was opening up now. “Do you thi—”

[Y/N]’s wristwatch beeped. “Oh, it’s twelve already. Don’t apologize, I know you didn’t want any of this either. Happy anniversary, good night.” She spared him one tight-lipped smile and pulled her own blanket over her head, turning away from him.

Draco woke up four hours later, bringing out a table to the gazebo near the spot where she set up her hammock. He lit candles and let it surround the place.

He did not know her favorite food yet, so he resorted to cheese pizza. Wasn’t a romantic choice at all, but it was good enough. He surrounded the place with roses and decorated the gazebo. Dressing up in his best suit, he picked fresh flowers from the garden and put them together for a make-shift bouquet.

By six in the morning, he was already standing in front of their bedroom door. He knocked politely three times.

Two more.

Three more.

He liked that he knew her a bit more now. She must be a heavy sleeper, because he only heard a sleepy groan from the other side of the room. “Hello?” He knocked once more.

[Y/N] finally opened the door, her hair all messy, her eyes still glued shut. “What’d you wake me up for?”

“I’m taking you on a first date,” said Draco, holding out the flowers. “You don’t need to dress up.”

“I haven’t even brushed my teeth.” She yawned, taking in the sight before her. “Why are you wearing a suit?”

“Taking you on a date,” he repeated. Maybe this wasn’t so bad. “Do you want to brush your teeth first or. . . ?”

“Brush my teeth first.”

But he had the feeling she probably thought she was dreaming, and the sight of her had him stifling a laugh. When she got back, she was wearing her usual clothes, comfortable as ever.

Her widened eyes confirmed Draco’s assumptions. “You’re real?”

“‘Course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” Draco gave her a spin, flaunting his suit. “Ready to go?”

“I’m wearing this.”

“I think it looks good.”

“Why the sudden date, Draco?”

“Why the sudden first name basis, [Y/N]?”

And then she smiled. She looked very different with genuine happiness, and he decided that it was good on her. They might not be perfect, they might have a lot of differences, but he promised himself that he’d make sure to at least keep that smile on her face as much as he can.

This girl might be full of surprises, but so was he.

“Good morning, I’m here to take you out.” Draco held out his arm, but she took his hand instead.

“And I’m here to let you do so. Lead the way!”

Draco did not ask for more about what she had told him last night. As far as he was concerned, that did not happen, for this was only their first date, and he was still only getting to know this woman before him. No, he did not hate her, he simply did not know her yet. And so he lead the way, as she had asked him to.

A/N: i actually planned on ending it with the reader telling more about that best friend and visiting him + getting closure even by just watching him from afar + moving on n stuff like that but like i said i got lazy im sorry huhu hope you guys liked it anyway :))

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sp00py-sheet · 3 years

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2 hours until dawn. 2 hours until I can sleep. Because yuppies aren't done invading.

I haven't slept much in 3 days cause I've been hustling to gtfo Oregon.

I finally get off a train in Idaho, crash out under a bridge at 7am and get woken up at 10am by a tweaker homebum because I'm in the way of him getting to his meth smoke spot.

He literally coulda gone to the hidden spot at the bottom of the bridge or idk WALK ACROSS ON TOP OF THE BRIDGE.

My road dog and I cussed him out and he left. But we still didn't sleep.

We spent the day busking up money for supplies for the train. We're sure we're gonna sleep well tonight cause we know a good bridge a mile away where homebums never go.

There are still no homebums there. But the bridge is different. It's gone from a large overpass, to a rectangular tunnel. And to our horror, there are lights on the wall.

It's lit up like a stadium, all fucking night long.

They're obviously planning on putting something here.

They already leveled the fucking field, creek and cemetery back here and replaced it with a fucking RV park.

#I hate you all #I wanna sleep #I fucking hate this constant developing #you don't need anymore #go back into your luxury boxes and leave us alone #fuck #vent #gentrification #colonization

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worldbuildmemes · 4 years

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lyrics sentence starters

lines from various songs on one of my playlists. warning for some curses. various genres represented

“the kind of dark that haunts a 100 year old house” “cause now i’ve lost my fucking mind” “i can’t believe i’m actually meant to be here” “this night ain’t for the faint of heart” “we’re the wicked ones” “when the train wreck comes, gonna leave a mark” “we would pop champagne and raise a toast” “there’s only so much i can take” “gonna take it and make it a world you won’t forget” “you know you’ll always be haunted” “the mirror never lies” “i’ll be your only friend” “yeah, yeah, yeah” “the threats you made were meant to cut me down” “i’m still standing better than i ever did” “i don’t know if its a phase i just wanna feel okay” “we’re falling apart” “okay motherfucker now you’ve got my attention” “don’t do a damn thing they say” “i’ve seen better days” “the devil’s knocking at your door” “tell me how you hate me” “so this time you’re going to have to seal your fate” “hopefully you see it clear” “always the first to tell me i’m wrong” “i always want to let you in” “but god made me rough” “tell me i’ve been lied to” “what the hell did i do” “say you were trying to make me laugh” “i can’t change what’s behind” “i wanna say i’m sorry” “i don’t know what i expected” “got my red dress on tonight” “i’m feeling alive” “nothing scares me anymore” “i’ve been in bed since 7am but i haven’t slept yet” “yeah i know i look fine” “i don’t understand all your rules” “you’re afraid you might let me in” “i ain’t got a gun so be done if you wanna” “if i’m being honest, you make me nervous too” “here we are, and you’re too drunk to hear a word i say” “just tonight i’ll stay” “do you understand who i am”

#meme #sentence starters #rp meme #lyric lines

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Stephanie.

How old are you? 31.

Where are you from? California.

What color are your eyes and hair? I have brown eyes and naturally dark brown hair, but I dye it red. I’m a year overdue, though...

When were you born? July 28th.

Now for the fun stuff! Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? They don’t have doors; I have a curtain instead that I do keep closed.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Full.

What do you drink with dinner? I don’t always have something when I eat unless I already happen to be drinking something, like coffee or a Starbucks energy drink. I do always have water nearby, though. But yeah, I usually don’t drink while I’m eating, it’s usually before and after.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch or Chick-Fil-A sauce.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? Joseph, almost 10 years ago...

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? There’s several.

What is your usual bedtime? After 7AM. :/

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? It varied, but there were a lot of vampire and witch costumes.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Six years ago for my UC graduation.

Take a vitamin daily? No, but there’s a few I should be taking.

What do you wear to bed? What I wear during the day, which is leggings and graphic tees.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart and Target. We haven’t had a K-Mart in well over a decade.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? No.

Where did your last kiss take place? I think it was in his car.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a stomach bug. That was like 4 years ago.

Last thing you ate? Wingstop for dinner, which was at 8PM. I skipped out on my nightly ramen tonight that I typically have around 2-230AM and now it’s 4:53AM and I’m starving. :/ I actually fell asleep around 10PM last night cause I had a bad headache and then woke up around 230AM, but I didn’t feel like getting up and making it. Sigh.

Do you get your nails done? Nope. I’ve only had my nails done once, and that was for my 8th grade promotion.

When did your last relationship end? Back in 2013.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my room.

How many stories does your home have? Just one.

Do you own headphones? Yep, I’m currently wearing my new Beats earbuds my lil bro got me recently.

Have you ever... Gotten a Brazillian wax? No.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? The last time I drank I got really drunk (and really sick) and there’s parts of that night that are spotty.

Been called a bitch? Jokingly. Seriously as well, I’m sure, but not to my face.

Slut? Jokingly.

Pierced anything? *Okay, finishing this at a much later time now cause I ended up zonking out.* Anyway, I just have my earlobes pierced.

Had a tattoo? No.

Smoked a cigarette? No.

Smoked weed? Yes.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? I’ve gone through really hard times after losing loved ones.

Worked out at a gym? Yes.

Snuck out of the house? Nope.

What’s the nearest furry object? My throw blanket.

Is the room you are in messy? No.

What is the single largest item in your house? Hmm.

How much money did you spend today? Zero.

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think 5,000.

What kind of cell phone do you have? An iPhone 12 Pro Max.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Several times.

Which Disney parks have you been to? Disneyland and California Adventure.

What does your bed comforter look like? I don’t have one. I use a throw blanket, which is rose gold and fluffy.

When did you last cry? Last night.

When is the last time you took medicine? Over an hour ago.

What was the medicine for? It was my pain medication.

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’m not sharing that.

What is your birth control method of choice? Well, I’m a virgin but besides that I can’t get pregnant, sooo.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? A lot. I love saving up and spoiling my family with what I can.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Uhhh. I’d have to really think about that.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? I honestly didn’t try to drink before I was 21.

Have you ever crawled through a window? No.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself. <<< Saaame.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No.

How many rooms does your house have? It has 2 bedrooms.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? No.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? All I really know is being single and while I’m not happy, it’s not because of my relationship status. Being in a relationship wouldn’t fix my problems and would add more stress.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? I rarely receive compliments.

How tall are you?: Like 5′4.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? My mom recently.

What is the last thing you said aloud? I said goodbye to my mom as she was leaving for work.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? Ice cream. My dad likes to always have it.

How many pets do you own? One.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 32.

Last time you went out of town? February 2020.

First thing you wash in the shower? My body. What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? A salon style for red dyed hair.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? I own a lot of things from Hot Topic, from clothes to accessories to collectibles. Majority of my graphic tees are from Hot Topic and their sister store, Boxlunch.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yeah.

How often do you hold hands with someone? I hold my doggo’s hand a lot, ha.

What was the most recent thing you bought? Food.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? I don’t know. Possibly. It would depend on some things.

Do you have Verizon? Yes.

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I don’t know. I’m on a family plan and my parents and brother handle it.

How many piercings do you have? Two; one in each earlobe.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? When I get in.

Have you ever had stitches? Yeah, I’ve had several surgeries.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Uh, it’s a piercing. Who cares.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee all the way. I don’t drink.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? Nope.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? *shrug* I haven’t used my iPod in almost a decade.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? Speaking of Hot Topic...

What are your pet’s names? Princess Leia, either one for short. And a ton of nicknames.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? No. I’m a mess.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Not at the moment.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? No.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Say they got me mixed up with someone cause that’s impossible.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? My mom went and got me my favorite breakfast before she went to work.

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Nah.

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? We’d love to, but I don’t see that happening.

Have you been to a baby shower? I’ve been to several.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? Two.

Are you taller than your mom? No.

Are you a cuddler? Not really.

Sleep on your back or stomach? I have to sleep turned toward my side and propped up due to acid reflux.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? Always closed.

Do you dress for style or comfort? Comfort, definitely.

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? Blahhhh.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sex isn’t a big thing for me, honestly. Also, I don’t plan on getting married.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? My first boyfriend did when I broke up with him.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It’s horrible.

How long has it been since you had sex? Virgin here.

Who was the last person to call you babe? *shrug*

Last reason you went to the ER? I haven’t had to go for myself since my accident.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yes.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? She was in her early 20s. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yeah.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s been awhile. My legs don’t really get hair growth for whatever reason, but that’s fine with me.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t.

Do you use a blowdryer? No.

How many purses do you own?: Several.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? Graphic tees and leggings.

What about shoes? Adidas.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now? I’m single, but no I’ve never cheated before.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? It’s always like, ‘ohhh, that’s why I’ve been feeling like that.’

Favorite underwear brand? I don’t have a particular favorite, really.

Last thing you bought at the mall? It was Christmas gifts a couple years ago.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m single. What color are your pillows? I have like 10 pillows and they all look different.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? No.

Don’t you just love DVR? It’s nice to have.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? It’s plugged in, so it’s at 100%.

Last gift you recieved? My brother recently bought me a new pair of Beats earbuds.

Lesson you recently learned? *shrug*

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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imagine-young-g · 5 years

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FWB to MWB

Hello G fam! It’s been a while but I’m back. I’m not too sure for how long but I am back. A lot has been happening in my life, and I have not been able to be as dedicated as I could be to this page. I hope you all enjoy this story about a gorgeous, normal, single mama that just so happens to be FWB with the one and only Young Gerald.

“Zay! Where are you hun?” I was calling my little sass for sometime now and she just wouldn’t answer.

“Zay….Zaybrie. ZAY!”

“I’m right here mommy you don’t have to yell,” she muttered.

My gorgeous little sass looked up at me while fumbling with the zipper to her favorite panda jacket. I never thought in a million years I would be here. 23years old, rollers in my hair, stressing over a trip to the grocery store, and staring down at my mini-me. I had Zay when I was 19 years old. She was the product of an mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. My ex was just not the ish like I had once thought. We were high school sweethearts and he wanted a military life, I on the other hand wanted to embrace the world. If it wasn’t for my pregnancy I most likely never would have made it out. She is my saving grace and literally only reason I haven’t been locked away due to insanity.

“UGH! Mommy I can’t do this! It’s broken.”

My train of thought is broken as my disgruntled 4 year old is completely over the zipper on this damn jacket. I didn’t even know why she wanted to wear this out. The jacket is worth more than gold to this little girl since her best pal G got it for her the last time he was in Tokyo at some hip Japanese boutique. The tag says it was an adult small but by the looks of it, it could have passed for a child’s shmedium. I easily guide the zipper together and with a little zrrrp its up.

“Baby. Why do you wanna wear Panda to the store today? It’s a little damp out, aren’t you afraid of getting it messed up?”

“Mommy we live in the Bay it’s always moist outside.”

Ugh! That word is like nails on a chalkboard for me, but of course G knows this and still decided to teach my 4year old to say this word to completely throw her mother off every chance she got. This cake is moist, my hair is moist. Mommy my skin is moist.” Any chance this little girl got to say it she took it.

“Because Mommy, we’re gonna meet up with Gerry today and I want him to see that I love my jacket.”

She was the only girl I knew in the world that could call him that. Gerry, or G as I like to call him, is none other than the Bay Area kid G-Eazy. I met him about 3 years ago when Zay was barely old enough to walk. I had been working at a local diner, and going to school full time when one rainy Saturday morning a mob of sweaty drunk dudes come barging in at 7am demanding coffee, pie, and whatever grease filled meal they could put in their bellies to prevent a hangover from hell. I was overworked, underpaid, exhausted, and at my wits end; so when this tall jerk of man tried to holla at your girl I was not having it. He tried the whole “Hey Ma!” Come here with one finger bit. I naturally walked over and asked if there was anything he needed. To his reply of “You see I made you come over her with one finger imagine what I could do with two.” I was so beyond pissed I through a glass of ice water and told his ass to cool down. My boss saw, asked me if I knew who this fool was, and fired me when I blantantly said I could give a fuck. As I walked out of the diner I heard loud steps running after me. I being the street smart girl that I am turned around and straight punched this dude in the face.

“Damn ma! First you soak me then you floor me? I gotta know who you are now that I damn near fell for you.”

At that point I lost my shit again. I went on a whole tangent of who do you think you ares and why don’t you fuck offs. I turned around after I thought I gave him a piece of my mind and he followed me asking me all kinds of questions. I don’t know when or how it happened but I began to answer them. We eventually got on the subject of me being single with a kid and how he admired that. He walked me the 8 blocks all the way home to my mom’s house. We exchanged numbers and have been “friends” ever since.

“Ohhh I see. You’re trying to look cute for Gerry?”

“No Mommy, you’re trying to look cute for Gerry since you got the rollers in your hair. I just wanna say thank you for my jacket.”

Damn my kid caught me. So what if I wanted my hair to look a little nicer than normal for when I saw G. I mostly wanted it to look nice because it never fails that when I’m with him we end up on some tabloid. Everyone pretty much knows that we just fuck each other, I mean even my own grandmother knows it. It turned into that after a drunk night I went on tour with him and Zay. I’m not sure what came over us but as she slept in my bunk I was in the back of the bus with G.

I’ll never forget that night, not because I have feelings for him, but because he has to be the best lay of my entire life. He had just finished his last number I mean It and every time he said “If I ever said I fucked your bitch…” he would look at me with pure lust in his eyes. He ended the show. Ran off stage to the back where we all followed. Zay was wearing her purple sound blocking headphones on the verge of sleep, but she stayed up to give Gewy a hug. As soon as she got it she passed out. The after party in the back of the stadium was cut short since we had to pile on the bus and head to San Diego. I was shocked when a group of girls that somehow managed to get backstage asked to get on the bus and “rock G’s World” were turned down and told to scram. Everyone began to go towards the busses when G grabbed my hand and guided me through the crown of groupies and photographers. Once we were safely on the bus G made an announcement.

“Yo if any of you motherfuckers wanna be loud go on the other bus. This is the quiet bus tonight. Zay’s gotta sleep and I ain’t in the mood for the bull shit.”

People began to pile of the bus into the other bus leaving only a handful of crew members, G, a few of his homies, me and Zay. Zay was fighting her sleep as we sat on the burgundy couches that were just before the bunks in the little kitchen area. She kept playing peek-a-boo with an exhausted raspy voiced G, but he kept playing with her. She sat on his lap facing him and just kept staring at his face. She would grab at his nose, poke at his eyes, grab his eyebrows, and put her little hand over his mouth where he would then play nibble on her fingers causing her to squeal. She kept rubbing her eyes till eventually she wrapped her arms around G to give him a hug and she passed out. Her little body was completely calm and at peace with him as she let out little soft snores. G stood up and took her to the bunk that was designated for her and I. It was a bottom bunk and he made sure no one was allowed to sleep on the one above. He laid her in the middle of the bunk covered her with her little peach baby blanket, and placed pillows all around her so she wouldn’t roll over or roll off the bunk. He even stuffed pillows on the side facing the aisle so that if she did roll there was a little wall there to protect her. I stood there watching him do all this in shock. He then motioned for me to come see the job he had done.

“She’s a stunner you know. In 15 years we’re gonna have to beat the dudes off with a stick to protect her.”

“We? G we’re homies, I told you I’m not looking to date. I gotta finish..”

“School. Yeah I know. I’m attached now. Just because we ain’t nothing doesn’t mean I’m never gonna be here for her.”

“G you say that but what happens when you keep going and touring? We can’t keep tagging along. I’m almost done with my degree and before you know it, I'll be a social worker working a 9-5.”

“True but come on Caily, you’ll be able to come out sometimes. You and Zay. I want you a part of my life even if we’re just friends. I love this kid.”

I could tell he was being honest despite the alcohol. I just wanted a stable figure in Zay’s life so I didn’t think a rapper could be that (I was eventually proven wrong.)

“Okay G. But if it gets too much, you’re the one that’s gonna have to tell Zay you’re out.”

“Never gonna happen!”

“Never say never.”

“I’m telling you it’s never and I never lie.” He smirked and bit his lower lip giving me those dreamy brown I want you eyes. I was wearing a cropped When It’s Dark Out T-shirt hand cut by me, some high waisted boyfriend jeans, kicked off the chucks a while ago so I was barefoot showing off my home pedicured black toenails. He on the other hand was freshly showered, hair wet and floppy, wearing a black hoodie, matching sweatpants, socks, and slides. He looked my body up and down again and licked his lips. I ignored this look having seen his crew do it millions of times. I walked back to the couch and he followed. I sat back and sipped on my water as he kept eyeing me.

“What?!”

“Nothing Cails. I just like looking at you.”

“That is so corny my dude,” I laughed-talked at him.

“I’m serious Cails.”

“That’s just the whiskey talking you dork.”

“Nah I’m dead serious, you’re just too stubborn and think your un-loveable to notice.”

“Oh so now you love me?”

“Yeah I got a love for you girl. You’ll never reciprocate it so I’ll just keep it,” he put his finger to his lips motioning a shhh.

“Hmm okay Gerald.”

“I like it when you say that. I like how you say it, Gerald,” he attempted to mimic the syllables like I say them.

“You’re drunk my dude.”

“Yeah maybe. But I know when I’m sober the pain feels worse because I can actually feel it.”

He looked at me with these soulful, sorrow filled eyes. I could tell in that moment he meant every word. He could tell I picked up on this vibe and leaned in. I felt the tip of his nose touched mine and pulled away. I quickly stood up.

“I better go check on Zay.”

As I walked toward the bunk he followed me. I was about to pull the curtain open when we grabbed me by my arm and spun me around. I was now looking up at him and seeing the intense lust in his eyes. His left arm was still holding on to mine as his right hand cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. His lips so soft and so sweet against mine as he just held them there against mine. He pulled away to see my reaction. I couldn’t move. The kiss stuck my feet to the floor causing me to be planted their hoping for another. He kissed me again this time with more passion making me kiss him back. We stood their in a full on mack sesh until he pulled away and walked towards the back of the bus where he sleeps. In that moment I had a choice. I could either crawl into the bunk with my daughter or run to the feeling I have been missing my whole life and give in. Before I could give it a second thought, I began to run towards him.

“Gerald.”

He turned towards me just in time for me to put my arms around his neck and kiss him. Our lips crashed against each other causing each of us to go completely numb and breathless. He mumbled “jump” while still in my kiss. I hopped up wrapping my legs around him as he began walking me towards the king size. He pushed the button to shut and lock the door behind him as we kissed. He plopped me on the bed and pulled his hoodie off over his head with one hand like all men do. I could feel myself getting wet as he then pressed his freshly bare torso onto my body. He gave me another hard passionate kiss, this time sliding his tongue over my bottom lip begging for me to allow him in. Begging to go deeper and begging to explore me. I gave in slipping my tongue into his ready opened mouth. This passionate kiss cause a throaty moan to escape from him. We kept kissing as he grinded his hips into mine, causing me to whimper. He began to kiss my neck and work his way up to my earlobe as his hand went up my shirt pawing at by titts making me moan and getting my wetter by the second. He pushed up my shirt and bra exposing my D cup titts and flush pink nipples. He admired them for a moment before giving one of my nipples a teasing lick. He stared deep into my eyes as he did this, then he began to suck on my titt as he rubbed and pinched my other nipple. I began to grind up my hips to meet his as he sucked all over both titts leaving raw love bites around each nipple. He licked at each bite causing a tinge of pain to go through my body. It was a good pain, a needed pain. By this point I was completely soaked and ready for more. He kissed down my faintly stretch marked tummy as he made his way take of my pants. As he pulled them down, I sat up on my knees, pulled my bra and shirt all the way off, wrapped my arms around him and kissed. His bare chest against my titts felt absolutely amazing. I could tell he loved it just as much as I did by the way he grabbed me closer to his body. He then brushed my hair away from my neck, then gave my hair a nice pull as he kissed my sweet spot on my neck just before my ear causing me to moan out and claw my nails along his back, and through his hair. As I clawed over him he moaned in my neck shooting warm air against my ear driving me wild. I turned his body to where I could lay him down on the bed. I pulled away from the kiss, gave him a good sloppy lust filled one ending in a lip bite before playfully pushing him on his back. I began to kiss his neck, and bite on his earlobes driving him wild. Doing so caused me to give my ass a smack shooting a tingle up to my nipples making my pussy twitch. I kissed down his body having him release little moans. I sit up on my knees again, giving him a lustful look as I began to rub his cock through the sweatpants. I pull them down revealing a beautiful pink hard cock dripping with precum. I pull the pants all the way down, removing his socks as well and begin to place kisses all over his cock as my hand caresses his balls. His breath begins to deepen as I kiss up his long thick cock towards the tip. I hold it up and look deep into his eyes and place it in my mouth. As it enters my mouth I hear his breathing change again. I wrap my lips around half of his cock and suck as I bob my head up. A moan escapes his now parted lips as I repeat the process a few more times, taking him deeper into my mouth each time. I suck up with a pop and tap the tip of his cock on my tongue.

“Ohh you dirty girl. You look so good with my cock.”

“MMMMhmmmm,” is all I let out as I take his cock back into my throat, the hum causing a vibration around his cock making him close his eyes as I begin to make oral love to his perfect 8 inch cock. Up and down, up and down, I can feel him throbbing as I bob my head taking him as deep as I can go without gagging. Ever so often I shove him all the way down past my tonsils to the point where is balls are practically in my mouth. A breathy “fuck” is the only thing that escapes his mouth each time I deep throat him down. I laid there on my belly sucking his cock for a good solid 5 closer to 10 minutes when he stopped me.

“MMMBaby stop...get over here.” He seductively growled as he pulled me up towards his face. I had my legs on either side of his body as he pulled me in for a kiss.

“HMMWhat’s wrong you can’t handle it.” I asked him as I placed kisses on his lips, along his jawline, and towards his neck.

“Uhhbaby I can it’s just I don’t wanna cum in your mouth.” He then guided my head back into the position where he could kiss my pouty lips. He slipped me the tongue and gave me a passionate french. I could feel his tongue dance with mine in my mouth in the most sexy ass way. I wanted to be cheesy and ask him where he wanted to cum but I couldn’t break from that kiss. We stayed in that position kissing like that for a while. During that time I guess I had slid down his body because I could feel the tip of his cock brush against my thong covered taint and swipe along my ass. When he felt that he let out a moan in my throat driving each of us wild causing me to grind down and hump his cock. I could feel his tip perfectly glide against my clothed clit sending waves of desire through both our bodies. I humped down on him only 3 times before he flips me over and in a lustful rush kisses down my belly to the line of my thong. You couldn’t tell how wet I truly was through the black cotton material until he rubbed his entire hand over my pussy.

“Damn Caily you’re so fucking wet.” He rubbed up and down admiring how flooded my pussy got at the sins we were committing. He quickly pulled thong off over my feet and discarding it God knows where. He began to give hard bites and kisses all along my thighs teasing my core with his warm breath. He gave a kiss right above my clit causing my hips to thrust up towards his face.

“MMMBaby you want this huh? You want me to eat this perfect pussy?” He looked me dead in the eye begging for permission and I nodded allowing him to begin his work. He licked a long straight line from my taint, between my wet lips, up past my clit leaving a kiss at the top of my pubic bone. This sent shock waves through my body. I grabbed my tits and began to toy with my nipples. This view caused a reaction in Gerald I never saw before. Like a rabid beast he began to devour my pussy. The combination of harsh licks, and clit sucking had me grinding my pussy in his face. He loved it. Every grind he would smirk and stick his tongue in my pussy, flattening it out once inside filling my pussy. Then came the fingers. He started by teasing my entrance with two fingers as he sucked my clit blowing my mind. He just kept toying with me as he sucked up all my pussy juices and grinding on his perfect face.

“Damn G finger me please.” I begged at this point. His face was in complete shock as he shoved his two long fingers up my pussy causing me to moan out and bare down hard.

“Fuuuck Baby you’re so damn tight.” My leg was now resting on his back as he made this statement. He was staring at my pussy in amazement as he now was knuckles deep in. He used his thumb to swipe my clit as he just completely finger blasted me. I was a wreck just moaning and grinding my hips feeling how amazing his fingers felt inside me. Then...he started eating my pussy again. The combination of licks and clit sucks while he was knuckles deep had me a complete mess. I was grabbing him by his hair begging him to stop or even slow down but he wouldn’t. This was right where he wanted me. He kept going and sucking to the point that I felt my entire body crash as I came. I came hard on his fingers, bearing down and trying to run away. He held me by one leg and kept sucking and finger fucking. It wasn’t long before I came again. I was a wet shaky mess as he began to slurp up all my juices. He pulled his fingers out of my pussy and I could see how wet they were. He lapped up the rest of my juice as I shuddered. When he reached my clit, I had to pull away because damn it was sensitive. He smiled as he sat up on his knees. I sat up just as he was about to lick me off his fingers. I grabbed his hand and began to suck my juices off his fingers. His face was priceless as he let out another “fuck” under his breath.

I kept licking and sucking his fingers as he watched for a seductive minute until he crashed his lips into mine. He wrapped his arms around me pulling my onto his thighs. I could feel is cock beneath my pussy just begging to enter in and explore me. I began to grind my hips down as he smacked my ass playfully. I little out a whimper causing him to smack a little harder. I moaned into his kiss as he now smacked my ass even harder but still the reserve in fear of hurting me. He began to maneuver his body as if he was going to lay me down, but before he got the chance I reached in between our bodies and guided his cock into my tight, dripping pussy. I looked him deep in his eyes letting out a gasp and creating a hitch in his breath. I slowly began to work my hips down causing his cock to climb deeper into my pussy with each small bounce. The slew of curse words spewing from his lips as I rode that fat cock, moaning and whimpering wanting him deeper yet. As I bounced up and down, his mouth met my tits and began to nip at my skin and nipples. I began riding sloppy as my legs were ready to give out due to the sheer pleasure being shot through my core and the hot spark of pain from my tits as he sucked my nipples to the point of being raw. He laid me down on my back, making sure to give me a deep long kiss as he began to pound into my pussy.

*Smack. Smack. Smack* is all you heard as he drilled his 8 full inches deep into my guts. With every thrust I whimpered into his kiss. “Fuck fuck fuck!” Is all I could let out as he fucked the absolute shit out of me. He went from kissing my lips to sucking on my neck as I clawed his back causing him to growl in pure sadistic pleasure. I don’t know exactly what he did, but with the slightest swivel of his hips, he was now hitting my spot at a different angle. Before I could even let out a sound I was seeing stars. It was the fastest build-up of electric butterflies sending currents down to my core releasing what felt like a million volts of earth shattering electricity throughout my body. He could feel me cum as my pussy began to drip even more and my walls strangled his cock.

“Fuck babygirl you’re so damn good. You like how I fuck this tight ass pussy huh?” He growled those words through clenched teeth as I begged him to keep fucking me just as he was. He swiveled his hips again sending another orgasm through my body. I bared down a little too hard and almost pushed him out.

“Nah-uh don’t you fucking push me out. Open up that pussy baby,” he begged. I did my best eventually coming down from my high in the slightest allowing his cock to go balls deep again. I knew he was getting close as his “fucks” were more frequent and his stroke was getting sloppier. I wanted him to cum so bad. No just because I didn’t feel like I could take another orgasm, but because the giver in me wanted to see pure pleasure rush over his face as he busts. I knew exactly what would push him over the edge. I reached down as far as my hand could and began to fondle his balls.

“FUCK! Oh my God, damn baby! Yes!” He was so close still. It was time to completely go for the kill.

“Cum for me Gerald! Bust that fat load in my tight little pussy. Come on baby fill me up with you cum! Nut in me baby!”

“Fuck you want that baby?!”

“Yes baby! Bust that nut all up in this pussy!” He began to grunt and thrust into me harder than he had before. I could feel the electric butterflies coming again but this time right from my pussy. I started to grind my hips the opposite of his hitting my spot a completely different way sending me to the moon. I squeezed his balls as hard as I could without hurting him and that was it. My body began shaking as I heard him pleading to God and calling out my name. I could feel his warm cum fill me up inside as he kept pumping and I kept grinding. My legs began to shake and before I knew it my entire body was a moaning quaking mess beneath G. Him seeing this decided it would be a good idea to reach down and rub my clit. If felt my whole body clamp up and a rush began to rise from my pussy. I felt like my clit was about to explode when all of a sudden, a shock wave left my body and squirt burst all over his cock. He was so turned on he kept thrusting until neither one of us could take it.

He pulled out his cock and fell next to me completely spent. I was still quivering feeling the aftershocks hit my clit like waves after a tsunami. I was a panting fool with no words being able to form out of my mouth. I could hear him next to me at a complete loss for words. With neither one of us speaking, he turned the ac down low and removed the top sheet I had completely destroyed, only leaving the fitted and the comforter. He covered the both of us and pulled me close to spoon. Damn, not only could he fuck but he wanted to cuddle too? I was getting comfortable and about to doze off when my mind went straight to Zay.

“Oh no Zay!”

“She’s fine.”

“How do you know G? She’s probably awake crying for all we know.”

“No she’s fine. Trust me!”

“G let me go check on her.”

“Listen you could do what you want but I know she’s ok.” Before I could protest he was rolling his body over towards the night stand. I assumed he was about to whip out a blunt and smoke it up, but instead he pulls out a video baby monitor. There she was. My little baby completely zonked out and snoring away.

“I put that in the bunk just in case you wanted to sleep in the bunk above her. I wanted you to have peace of mind and to rest easy.”

I could not believe how incredibly sweet he was. I ended up staying the entire night with him, fucking him one more amazing time before showering and going to lay down with Zay. Ever since then we had been fucking around whenever we got the chance. It was good for us. I didn’t have to worry about a random guy coming in and out of Zay’s life, he didn’t have to worry about a commitment. In the end we were just two friends with needs that could go to each other no matter what. We were both damaged so this worked for us.

*CHING CHING*

“Yay Gerry’s here! Gerry’s here!” I opened the door and there he stood. All 6’4” of him wrapped in leather. Smiling so big you though he won a Grammy.

“AHH Zay Zay! *muah* What’s up lil mama?” He wrapped her up in a big hug squeezing her like she was his own. He tickled her sides causing her to squeal in delight that her friend was here.

“What’s up Big Mama?” He said causing me to roll my eyes because he knew I hated that he called me that.

“Yup there she is haha.” He put Zay down and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“You ready to go G? We gotta hit the mall while the kiddies are still in school so we can get everything done.”

“Yeah fo’sho. Let me just take a leak and we’ll bounce.” He made his way to the bathroom and I put on my official G-Eazy letterman from forever ago. I was fixing my lipstick in the mirror when I feel his presence behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered how he missed me in my ear.

“G! Come on, not in front of the kid.”

“I know I know.” We had made a deal that we would never act like a couple in front of Zay in order to keep the peace. We didn’t want to confuse her because she already knew who her dad was and we didn’t want to mess anything up. He gave me a weak smile as he picked up Zay and headed out the door. He had driven his mustang over so I was assuming that’s what we were rollin’ in.

“Really G? I thought we were going incognito?”

“We are! The black beauty is stealthy and sexy.”

“Yeah Mommy. She’s stealfy and sexy.”

“G! You look what you’re teaching her!”

“Zay Zay you can’t say that word till your 75.”

“What word?”

“That 2nd “s” word.”

“Sexy?”

“AHHHH it’s burning my ears,” he shouted as he covered his ears. Zay kept trying to repeat the word a few more attempts as he buckled her into her seat, each time causing G to “shout” and cover his ears. Eventually she stopped and we were on our way. We made our way to the mall and began to shop around. G buying anything and everything Zay wanted. He loved to spoil her no matter the cost. He would try with me but I just wasn’t into all of it. We walked up and down the mall for what seemed like 10 years. We bought snacks along the way but I was so hungry nothing was helping. We eventually stopped for a pretzel at a kiosk outside of a jewelry store in the mall. We were eating the salty treats and drinking the tart lemonade when Zay made a discovery.

“Look Mommy! Look at the pretty rings!”

“Yeah baby they’re pretty huh?”

“You should by one mommy!”

“No Baby mommy doesn’t need one.”

“Why Mommy?”

“Because Baby, only engaged people get those rings.”

“What’s engage?”

“It means people who are getting married.”

“Gerry you should buy one for my Mommy so you can get married!”

“No he shouldn’t Baby now come finish your pretzel.”

“Come on Mommy! You would look so pretty with one.”

“No Baby. Come sit down!”

“Please Gerry! Buy one so you and mommy can get married and have another baby, and you can live with me in my room and and and…”

“Zay! No enough. Now come and sit down.”

“I would Zay Zay but you’re Mommy won’t let me buy her one of those.”

“Why? Mommy why are you so mean?”

“G?! Seriously? Shut the Frick up!” I shot at him between clenched teeth and rage filled eyes. I could not believe that he had just said that to my 4 year old! Especially after all the talks we had about this. He asked a few times about why not? Why not? It’s like because dude! We can’t! I could feel my blood boil as Zay went back to eating her pretzel. I could tell G knew I was beyond livid because he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. His jaw was clenched like he had something to be pissed about. We finished our snack in complete silence and G was so gone mentally even though his body was there.

“Come on, let’s get you guys home.”

“Gerry! Can we go to cheesecake house and get food? I hungry!”

“No baby we just ate.”

“No mommy we ate a pretzel, not dinner. Come on Gerry? Please?!” At that moment my stomach growled causing both Zay and G to look at me.

“You good?” He asked slightly concerned.

“Yeah I’m chill.” I coldly replied not making eye contact at all.

“Come one let’s go get you some dinner and call it a day.”

“Nah for real. It’s good G.”

“Nah we going and then we’ll call it a day.” He said with a little more force behind his tone. We walked to the car and G put all the bags in the trunk. I strapped Zay in and I could feel him staring at me as I did so. Normally he would make some joke about how good my ass looked but he was so beyond pissed he didn’t say a word. He zipped through traffic like a bat out of hell, white knuckling the steering wheel until we arrived at the restaurant. He handed the keys to valett, took Zay out of her seat and walked into the restaurant. I followed behind him and we were sat at a table in the back. G ordered some pasta dish, and Zay copied him ordering the kids version with chicken. I opted for some fettuccine and shrimp alfredo with a small salad. Zay sat next to G eating away and playing with him the entire dinner. G ignored me and continued to eat with Zay. He didn’t even bother me for a shrimp like he always does, instead he said:

“Ooh playing it safe now yeah Cails.” He never called me Cails unless he was pissed. Zay picked up on it but kept trying to lighten the mood. She kept poking G saying “tickle tickle,” getting him to fake laugh. I ate my meal in silence as the two of them carried on. Zay eventually ordering oreo cheesecake off of the pig girl menu so her and Gerry could share. I sat there continuing to be ignored till Zay quieted down. G finally cooled down enough to talk.

“So why did you blow up Cails?”

“We’re not talking about this right now. Not in front of Zay”

“She’s about to pass out soon then we can talk. Because we are going to talk.” He was right. It didn’t take but 6 minutes before she was completely passed out in the booth. It was now fair game. He looked at me and I had nothing to say.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“There is nothing to say? We have a good thing going why ruin it?”

“Really? You’re ok with what we got?”

“Yeah don’t ruin a good thing?”

“We’ve been fucking with each other for like 3 years and you can honestly tell me you have no feelings for me other than just friends?”

“Yeah. I mean, it hasn’t been 3 solid years. You had your girls in between. Besides you said we were good.”

“Only because you never give me a heads up as to what you feel.”

“I told you I don’t feel! I just go. I don’t have time to sit back and feel. I have to do what’s best for my daughter.”

“So what you think by having a loving man who would literally die for you and the kid isn’t the best thing for her?”

“Well if that loving man wasn’t always rolling out then yeah maybe?”

“I roll out to provide and because it’s my passion. Just like you stay behind as a social worker to fulfill yours.”

“She needs stability! You think living on a tour bus or from hotel to hotel is stable? Besides you can’t just decide you want a life with us just because you got a bond with the kid.”

“A bond with the kid? Well Damn? I thought every time I fucked you we had a bond? I’m not just here for the kid! I’m here for you to but you don’t want it!”

“You never let it be known! You always said we were good with how we were. You even had other girls and I had no one else!”

“I had other girls because you never made the effort!”

“I never made the effort? G I literally would fuck you any chance we got! How is that not making an effort? Hell no! You are not blaming me on this one!”

“I have told you I want to be with you multiple times! You keep saying nah we’re good. I always tell you I love you..”

“You always tell me you got a love for me! Never that you love me!”

“Because the last time I told you that I loved you, you didn’t say anything.”

“When did you tell me you loved me?”

“The very first night I fucked you! I told you I loved you and you just looked at me like I was some sad Son of Bitch!”

“I didn’t think you were serious! I literally thought you were saying that to get me to fuck you! But at the time it didn’t matter to me because I just wanted to fuck!”

“It didn’t even matter? Wow. I told you how I felt and it didn’t even matter?”

“At the time I didn’t think you were sure.”

“Well what about now? What do you think now?”

“I think you are just getting over another break up and you’re ready for the next.”

“I literally broke up with her because she wasn’t you. She wanted to settle down and I couldn’t because all I could think about is you.”

“G! You shouldn’t have done that. She made you so happy.”

“You make me happy! You are what I want! What do I have to do to prove..that to..you,” his voice cracked at the end of his sentence. The tears began to flood his eyes and my heart began to flutter. I knew he was being honest, and I knew deep down in my heart that he cared. But was I willing to risk it all. My stability, my job, my life, all of it would be changed if I decided yes. All these thoughts were flooding my mind when I saw movement from across the table. A wooden box was placed in front of me and a huge sparkler of a ring inside.

“Caily. Baby Girl. Big Mama. You are literally the reason I get up in the morning and take my raggedy ass to the studio when I don’t feel like going. I keep grinding so I can provide for you and Zay. Yes it’s my passion, but I would give it all up tomorrow to have a stable life with the two of you. I want to go to bed with you, wake up next to you, and be in your presence for the rest of my life if you will have me. Caily Rhiannon Zavalos; will you marry me?”

I sat there across from him with tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. I wanted what he wanted but how could I ask him to give up his entire life for me? How could I give up my entire life for him? How did any of this make sense. Before I could say a word I heard the sweetest little voice:

“Mommy?”

I looked over to see Zay’s sleepy eyes wide with happiness at the site she saw. In that moment I knew that I would have to give an answer. Say yes and give Zay the family she deserves and finally find happiness for myself; or say no to save G from losing out on his passion. But which answer was the right one?

#young gerald #G-Eazy #g-eazy fanfic #g-eazy imagine #g-eazy imagines #g-eazy fanfiction #geazy imagine #geazy imagines #geazy fanfiction #geazy fanfic #geazyimagines #single mom #singlemom #fwb

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lauren-nabors · 4 years

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day ??? of quarantine

today is easter sunday, april 12th.

we’ve been quarantined for 26 days. our restaurant’s dining room’s have been closed for 25 days. tensions are high, emotions are flowing, people are feeling all the feels. everyone except me, that is...

i have felt nothing this entire month. i haven’t cried once. i haven’t been all that angry. sure, i’ve been tired and i haven’t slept well and i’ve been bored and frustrated that there isn’t more to do. i was disappointed when our foster care class was canceled. but honestly, i haven’t felt much emotion at all. my anxiety hasn’t skyrocketed. i don’t feel scared. i am not paranoid of the virus or of getting sick (i’ve never been a germaphone anyway so i don’t feel panicky in the way that other people do). i told clif the other day, i keep waiting to cry or to just lose it on someone. i know those emotions are there somewhere under the surface...surely? i don’t know what’s going on. i guess because i feel anxiety all the time in normal life and i always feel like i’m waiting for something bad to happen or for “the other shoe to drop” so to say -- and this is the bad thing, at least for now. so it’s here and maybe it’s not so bad after all for me at least (that feels like a horrible thing to say because it is bad for so many people and so many have lost their lives or their loved ones and in cities like nyc it’s horrendous beyond belief) i’m also a pretty adaptable person so maybe it’s more that this feels like something i can adapt to for the time being and so my role in this is to be that person that keeps moving... and when it’s all over perhaps i’ll crash and burn?

as for other, non-mental-health-related things, since i last posted things changed in our world even more. everything is different as we know it. all non-essential businesses are closed (gyms, spas, clothing stores, etc) and restaurants can still only do carry-out and curbside. our team has continued to adapt well, i am proud of how we’ve handled things. we cut our hours from 7am to 6pm, and then about two weeks ago we cut them even further back to 3pm. it just didn’t make sense to stay open and run the labor clock out when we were so slow. for the most part our customers have been supportive and understanding. we’ve had the occasional angry customer that said “well google says you’re open until 8pm” and it’s like, ‘well sure but this is also a pandemic and everyone is closing early so maybe stop trusting google so much and just expect that things might be different.’

church has been online for us since i last posted. we’ve been doing Redeemer west side live streams, which honestly has been encouraging for my soul to sing old hymns with Tom Jennings and hear our friend Kate from our old community group lead the prayers of the people and to see David Bisgrove’s face each week and have him lead us in the Lord’s Prayer. there’s so much we miss about Redeemer so this is both a source of comfort to us but also creating a longing and an ache that will have consequences for us when this is all over...

we’ve seen very few friends in person but we’ve facetimed with so many that we wouldn’t have ordinarily. brendon & theresa, my college girls, jen & matt a lot, my mom and dad almost everyday. it’s funny but i think i miss my mom more than anything, this is the longest i’ve not seen her since we moved back to this area after nyc. the other night we played a game online with Boyd and Sarah while on Zoom with them. it was lots of fun. Zoom is a thing now... it’s not that important.

of course our president has handled this poorly. he is the absolute worst person you want leading your country in a time like this. he isn’t a leader at all, he’s a petty child who wants all the credit for things he should’ve done anyway. instead of leading, he takes to twitter or tv every chance he can get to say “look what i did! look what i did!” Dr. Fauci, head of infectious diseases for the CDC is leading our country through this. Gov. Andrew Cuomo of NYC has also had a profound impact not just on his state but on our country through his leadership. the situation in the city is so much worse and scarier and more real than it is here. maybe my feelings would be different (emotion-wise) if we still lived in nyc. obviously because of the denseness, the death count is so much higher there. they are building pop-up tent hospitals in central park, and facing real challenges of how to bury all the bodies of those who have passed away from the virus. KFed is a nurse at Mt. Sinai and it’s crazy seeing her photos of her in her protective gear. Brendon told us that no one is taking the subways in the city. he needed some things from his office so he walked from their apartment on 158th to his work in the 20′s. it took him all day. but he didn’t want to risk any contamination and Theresa is now high-risk because she’s pregnant (what the what?!?!?! omg so exciting! praise the Lord!)

people are wearing masks everywhere. there are lines outside of grocery stores because they can only have a certain amount of people in the building at one time. our unemployment count in our country is higher than it’s ever been, higher than during the great depression. the economic fall-out from this will last for years to come. the senate did finally pass a 2T stimulus package called the CARES act. it has some provisions for small businesses to get money that could be forgivable if used on certain things. we applied and got accepted for both restaurants -- we will get money to spend mostly on payroll and some other overhead expenses in 8 weeks once the money is funded. they are also sending a check to every american who made under $130K last year -- so we’re supposedly getting a check sometime for $2400 ($1200 per person and $500 per kid for those families who qualify). hopefully we’ll get some of our staff back to work and extended our hours back to 6, since we won’t have to be as worried about our labor costs being high.

i guess that’s about all i can think to update for now. as for what clif and i have been up to, well... we’ve taken a “cocktail walk” almost everyday. around 4pm we’ve made cocktails and taken them with us as we walk Lenny around the park and say hello to those of our neighbors who are outside, too. the weather has been great so we’ve been very lucky in that regard. we’ve done some yard work and clif has been doing some drawing and lots of bread baking. we’re trying to eat at home 5 nights/week and eat out the other 2. to spread the local love around, we’ve enjoyed Progress burgers, Farmer’s Gastropub, Everyday Thai, Craft Sushi and I think tonight we’ll get either Bambino’s or Los Cabos. i haven’t been doing too much because i’m not a “hobby” person so I don’t do well with stuff like this where you have to stay inside and pass the time. i’ve been reading a lot, that’s about it. here are some photos from the past few weeks:

feeding healthcare workers in partnership with local organizations has been a highlight for us! this is Cox Hospital staff here.

we’ve been selling both bread and flour like crazy. there has been a flour shortage in grocery stores so we’ve sold probably more flour in the last 3 weeks than in the 20 year history of neighbor’s mill.

hot cross buns for easter -- didn’t do hardly what we would’ve normally for a holiday weekend baking-wise but we still had to do these gorgeous buns and some festive cookies and cupcakes.

we were on the front page of the Newsleader as a “small business adapting during the time of COVID” -- we had some blowback from the photo of our bakers shaping dough without gloves on, but all ended well as we took the time to educate and had positive responses from most of our customers

our bread at Price Cutter -- i feel like the poor stock workers were like “screw up, it’s gonna be gone in three hours anyway, let’s just leave it on the dolly”

boredom leads clif to many funny and creative things, though not always useful -- here he made a concrete cup mold

my dad on KY3 for a story about local support of restaurants in Harrison

a quarantine meal when food was low -- let’s see what’s in the fridge!

said game we played with Boyd and Sarah where we had to draw different prompts -- i am a terrible drawer!

afternoon rose and popcorn while Lenny plays and wanders -- we began sitting on the front porch just so we could see anyone walking by on the street and have the chance to chat and be social from a distance

not much has changed with the animals

chalk art outside Cox South main entrance

lol...”i thought you said CLAMdemic” card from Donita

sign we purchased to put in front of our restaurant -- strange times

#COVID19 #coronavirus #quarantine

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arcanemoody · 2 years

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It's 4:30pm.

I’m in Chicago.

I’m drinking cold brew with ice from the fridge.

I set my alarm for 7am because the exterminator was supposed to come around 8. In the end I slept until almost noon and the exterminator didn’t come until 4:15pm. It all worked out, I guess.

Got some extra errands done in addition to my regular chores: I sent my doctor a message about refilling my inhaler. I called and got info on my membership forms for the MEABF and requested a statement (apparently, ETA is “within four weeks”). Called the vet and left a message about Zoe’s new insurance with a number to call me back. Walked Washington. Gave Zoe her meds. Fed Zoe. Emptied and refilled my “zombie brain” ice tray. Did my Spanish lesson. Pulled some dandelions in the back garden when the exterminator did arrive and I had to take Washington outside. Made southwest bean salad for tonight’s supper. Did some writing and editing. Took my meds

Had to make one grocery run today: whole milk for Zoe, limes for dinner. Grand total: $5.56.

Minimal fatigue -- I guess taking an edible and sleeping for 10 hours will do that. Some sound sensitivity, some itching, minimal overheating. Dysphoria’s been kind of rough for the last few days. I finished remixing a raglan tee to commemorate Elton John’s farewell tour and haven’t been able to wear it comfortably -- because, even a size up, it reminds me I have breast tissue.

Things I feel positive about today: not giving myself hell for sleeping in as much as I needed to. Still wrapping up all the chores I intended to do once I was awake. Getting the Kanopy app to work on my tablet. Reorganizing my EDC craft supplies (because I am that kind of person). Updating my patreon.

#R's depression journal

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therandomfics · 6 years

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Strangers Pt 2

Dominick, also known as isirac, had become quite the interesting individual. He was in his 30′s, worked for the city, and was a family oriented kind of person. He was charming, polite, handsome, and articulate. He was you, but with male genitalia. That’s why he was such a person of interest - but not for your case, for you.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you’d met up with BHUNT03, Brendon, and were absolutely flabbergasted by the fact that one person could be so in love with their own existence.

“Yeah, I’ve been here a little while and it just isn’t really my speed,” Brendon had said over dinner. He’d chosen a place that screamed tourist, but you didn’t want to be rude and mention that you’d lived here long enough not to enjoy the cheap thrills of I <3 NY on everything. Plus, as you’d told him several times in the past two weeks, you were from Boston.

You’d nodded and tried to stomach the idea of anyone wanting to actually be with this guy. “Maybe you should move back to Austin?” you had suggested - harmless, but apparently offensive.

He scoffed. “See that’s what’s wrong with all of you women up here. You all think you’re hot shit, like you’re better than someone else based on their accent or their hometown. It’s no wonder you’re 30 and single.”

“Right. You’re 34, correct? 34 and single, and in a city that you hate. Must be a dream come true.” You had excused yourself a few moments later and left. Brendon was a prime suspect for your case now, with all of his pent up anger and lack of respect. Interesting.

That night you went home and got on your computer to message Dominick.

Omg.. I just had the worst date of my life. Pretty sure if I hadn’t be vigilant he would have tried to off me in the parking lot. Tell me you’re having better luck?

isirac: Hell no. The girl I keep trying to take out on a date can’t be bothered with me.

Surely not. Look at you, Dominick. You’re handsome and smart! Who could say no to you?

isirac: Well then let me take you out, Y/N. I won’t be conventional. Meet me for breakfast in the morning? I have to go in at 8, school starts at 8... so, 6?

He’d remembered your lie about being a teacher. But, also, he was asking you out, and you thought you might actually like him, so the lying bit was a lot more difficult suddenly.

Sure! Here’s my number. Text me, and we’ll plan a place to meet up, okay?

Your phone lit up only a few minutes later.

Dominick: How about Al Cappucino’s?

You: Sounds good. I’ll make sure I wear a red sweater so you notice me.

Dominick: I scarcely believe I’d miss you.

You: See you in the morning. :)

Who could sleep? You stayed up that night sorting through the wild abandon of Meet and Mingle, wondering how some of these men were raised, how many of them were predators in the making, and how many of them might actually not be looking for romance at all.

When you arrived that morning at Al’s, you took a deep breath and walked inside. There he was, sharp as he could be in a pressed suit leaning against the coffee bar. Good. God. He was even more attractive in person and that was no small feat.

“Hey, Dominick,” you called out, offering him a small wave.

“Y/N! You didn’t blow me off! I’m shocked,” he laughed, and greeted you with a polite but warm hug.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, honestly.”

“Let’s sit.”

You sat down across from him and studied his face for a long moment, taking in the softness of his eyes and the way that his hair was perfectly coiffed. His suit was well tailored and you couldn’t help but notice that he was noticing you, too.

“I feel like I’ve known you for a long time,” you confessed and felt your cheeks growing red. What were you doing? This was an UC operation. You don’t fall for the potential suspects.

He didn’t miss a beat or alienate you. “I feel the same way. You’re just really easy to talk to, and honestly after some of the things I see at work, I just want someone that I can have an honest conversation with, y’know?”

In between bites of the food that you’d ordered, you learned that Dominick had been a life long resident of New York, was a huge fan of anything to do with New York sports, he was Catholic, he was an uncle, he was passionate about his work, and he was really, really smart. Apparently he’d wrapped up law school and was teetering on the fence between his current job, and moving on to practice law.

“You’re impressive,” you commented, that same blush appearing on his face. “You make me look pretty lame. I teach US History and Political Systems at a school in Brooklyn. Kids these days are pretty.. what do they say, savage? They make me feel old. But, that’s besides the point. I want to know when we’re gonna go see a game together.”

The clock struck 7:15 and you both sighed. It was time to part ways and head to work. He would go to his job with the city, and you’d go to Brooklyn SVU - or, Millennium High School, whichever. You both stood and walked to the door together, out onto the sidewalk where the city that never slept was waking up from a cat nap.

“Call me sometime? Sooner rather than later,” he suggested, and opened his arms to you.

You stepped into the hug and lingered there for a moment. It felt so wonderful to have the touch of another human being; one that wasn’t trying to hit you for arresting them. “I will. But, the phone goes both ways,” you reminded him and pulled away. “See you soon, I hope.”

“There’s this guy name Brendon Hunt, he’s 34 and works on Wall Street. He’s an asshole and I’m beginning to think a tyrannical misogynist. Look into him,” you said over the phone to TARU. Maybe he’s talked to someone else and they’re missing, or worse. He’s from Austin, TX from what he told me.” You hung up the phone and began scouring through your inbox again. One message stood out among the rest.

quidproquo: You’re very pretty. Stop dating these jackasses in suits and talk to me instead.

What makes you think I’m dating a jackass in a suit?

quidproquo: Because I saw you at 7AM.

Saw me where?

quidproquo: Al Cappucino’s.

Your heart stopped for a moment and you grabbed your phone, making a quick call back to TARU. You gave them the user name and let them do their magic, hoping for a result. On the other end of the phone you heard the clicking and typing of the agent trying to find a result for you, but they seemed to be finding nothing but dead ends.

“It’s coming from an Internet Cafe in Queens.”

“I haven’t been to Queens in fucking ages,” you grumbled. “Okay. Alright, thank you. If you find anything else out, let me know please. Thank you, again.”

Hiding out in Queens? What a shame, I heard that place is a slum.

quidproquo is not receiving messages at this time.

You tried to click on his profile, but it was suddenly deleted. You screen shot the messages and emailed them to yourself, copying Captain Walker, before shutting your laptop and taking a step back to clear your head. Maybe it was Brendon? Maybe he was mad that you’d gone out with someone else so quickly - but, then why would he be following you? Unless, of course, he had hacked into your profile, which wouldn’t be too surprising if he was as crazy as you suspected.

Against your better judgement, you opened your laptop back up and went to your inbox again. You had three new messages waiting for you from the past two days, and you knew it was important to keep going until you found the person you were looking for.

bklawyer06: Sorry you’re so lonely. New York isn’t for everyone, but it looks like we both live in Brooklyn so maybe sometime we’ll run into one another. Maybe sooner rather than later.

You’re sweet to say that, thank you. Yes, it is pretty lonely but, I can’t imagine why you’d be lonely. A single lawyer in Brooklyn? You’re like a unicorn.

bklawyer06: Hahaha yeah i guess so but that’s because my office is in Manhattan and the girls there really aren’t my type. All i see are courtrooms, clients, and pretentious women who wear knock off YSL like no one knows. Gotta love Manhattan.

Lol I feel you there. I avoid the place if I can, really, which is easy bc I work and live here in Brooklyn. Easy commute, too!

B: What do you do, if you don’t mind that I ask?

I teach US History at Millennium.

I graduated from MBHS. Does Mrs. Frazier still work in the front office?

Shit. He wasn’t supposed to ask those kinds of questions. After a quick google search, you found that she had retired last year.

No, she retired, but it’s a small world isn’t it? I bet we’ve passed by one another before and didn’t even realize.

B: Next time you pass me by, let me know. You look pretty hot in your pictures so I’d like to see the real thing some time.

The day’s early. I was planning on going for a run later, maybe you’ll be out? Brooklyn’s kind of large, though.

B: Take a run through Bennett Field. I was gonna take my dog out around 6. Oh, my name is Daniel.

Okay, I’ll look for a cute guy with a dog. That’s like, impossible to find. I’m Y/N. See you in a while.

Did you usually run? No. Were you going to tonight? No, you’d probably jog into the open area of Bennett Field and then stop. It wasn’t that you weren’t in shape, but usually you ran to chase someone down, and you hoped it wouldn’t be that way tonight. You holstered your service weapon in your shoulder harness and slipped your jacket over it, concealing your real reason for the visit, and headed out the door.

When you arrived, you slowed your pace and jogged idly around the park for about ten minutes before you saw a some-what familiar face.

“Hey, Y/N,” he called out, his dog jumping wildly in excitement.

“Hey, Daniel. Nice to see you in person.” You stood a few feet away from him and crouched down to invite his dog over. “Who’s this?”

“That’s Molly. She loves new people,” he commented and let his eyes wander up and down your body. “You’re prettier in person.”

You laughed and stood up. “Thanks. I guess I can’t say you’re pretty because that’s too feminine but, you are attractive. Molly, though, is totally gorgeous.”

Daniel was nice, you decided, although a little forward. It was obvious that he was nervous and wanted to make a good impression somehow, and you just didn’t have the ability to tell him it wasn’t worth the anxiety. He practiced Family Law - he was a divorce lawyer - and had been for two years. He graduated from Baylor and moved back home after college. You made up your story as you went and tried to remember key details of your facade. It went well, and he asked to see you again.

“Yeah, that would be great,” you agreed. “Should we.. trade numbers?”

He nodded enthusiastically and handed you his phone. “Put your number in.”

As you pretended to type, you quickly pulled up his contacts list and looked for the names of the two girls you’d found weeks before. No luck. You typed your number in and handed the phone back. “I’ve gotta get back, but text me sometime and we can get together. Maybe something more formal.”

After you got back home and showered, you checked your phone to see if you had any news from TARU. You didn’t, but you did have a new text from Dominick.

D: How was your day?

You: Hey. I was just thinking about you. It was good, can’t complain much. You?

D: Not bad. I just got home a little while ago. Cleaned up and ready for bed. Is 9PM too early for bed?

You: Absolutely not. My bedtime is 9:30, don’t feel bad.

D: What are you doing this weekend?

You: Grading papers, wishing I had won the lottery. What’s up?

D: Idk nothing, I just wanted to see you.

You: Okay. :) I think we can make that work.

You wanted to tell him about your mysterious message from earlier but you knew that it would raise red flags. Why would anyone stalk a teacher? Plus you didn’t want to alarm him, either. Maybe it was just someone being an asshole. You’d find out more tomorrow, hopefully.

#sonny carisi x reader #sonny carisi #detective carisi #svu fanfiction #carisi x reader

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unkenreflex · 6 years

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:( i like... miss? W? or whatever? even tho we are currently in the same room?

well im sad bc we are in my room, with J-my-roommate, doing work, and not in his room, not doing work, because i really wanted affection/kisses/whatever with him and it’s literally only been a week since we did anything (i’m not counting tuesday night, he cried on me for an hour about how he wanted to die and then we cuddled while reading and then slept and then in the morning he had to leave at 8:30 for class, that was important caretaking work and i’m glad i did it but it was not time that replenished me particularly) but because i am a YAWNING VOID i’m sad about it

ugh if i’d planned right we could have been doing work in his room in which case at least minor cuddling could have happened; i keep being like “if i’d planned right i could have gone to see G instead” but no, he has 7am work stuff tomorrow because working in a sleep lab is terrible apparently, i could not have gone to see him. and while i haven’t strictly asked W if i can stay at his tonight when i asked delicate what-are-your-plans-looking-like questions he was like “i should wrap up work and sleep soon” and also “i don’t have anything scheduled tomorrow morning but i shouldn’t sleep in, i should get things done” which is all fair and correct and i don’t want to be a problem for everyone else in my life because i am some kind of nightmarish sex abyss, but god would i like to just have fun affirming cuddly sex or make out or whatever and then not fall asleep alone

how many people does one have to date before one gets to feel actually loved and paid-attention-to and not just eternally fried in the hot oil of rejection sensitivity? the answer is presumably that that never happens, for many many reasons including “the problem is actually inherent to me” and also “my type is high-strung nerds, a demographic known for being very busy all the time”

is this still better than vaguely-obligation-based indulgence of someone else’s affection? yes but now i’m the one who has to be, you know, borne, or rather i have to constantly police my outreaching so that i do not become something to be borne, and it feels still bad

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my-healing-journey · 3 years

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My oldest hasn’t slept through the night since spring break. He’s been up twice tonight already, and it’s only 10pm. Each time he wakes up, it’s in a complete panic and he runs over to double-check that I’m here, that I’m still with him, that I haven’t gone anywhere. I hear him every time, even when it’s 2am and he’s trying to be quiet about it.

My youngest complains of nightmares. He says that he has nightmares every night while at dad’s house, and only has them occasionally when he’s with me. He sleeps on a makeshift bed of blankets on the floor in my bedroom because he’s afraid to sleep in his own bed.

I myself find it difficult to sleep for more than 6-7 hours at night. I’ve woken up before 5am almost every day for the past 2 weeks. I’m usually the type of person who sleeps from ~11pm - 7am (6:30am on office work days). I also tend to wake up in a panic, which is not a great way to start the day. I feel exhausted and drained at all times. The soonest I can get in to see my PCP in order to ask for a prescription sleeping pill/anti-anxiety med is May 4th. I’m just struggling in the meanwhile. (Melatonin just makes me sleepy and doesn’t help give me more hours or less panicky feelings in the mornings.)

This is what the effects of narcissistic abuse look like. Ah, but this is just the sleep aspect. There are so many more lovely side effects.

#tw narcissistic abuse #sleep problems

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modiintrainguy · 4 years

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Holidays coming up – am I ready?

August 19, 2020

8.26am

On the bus in traffic on the 431 just driving past tziporim.

I wasn’t gonna write. Its always a decision t make = what will make me feel better right NOW!! And what is good for my day. Meditation? Netflix? Podcast? Music? Book? Nothing? Look out the window.

So ive gone for writing.

Am I gonna do the pour it out method?

Or focus on somerhing

I kind of need to be sure – but at least the bus is slow so I don’t feel rushed.

And anyway, 45 minutes a significant amount of time to just write whatever your thinking.

But better to have a plan

Sos

What I was thinking last night first.

That I feel uncomfoertable cos I can never feel like ive cleared my plate. That I had x y and z to to today and ive done it. Because even if I have I know that ive got so many other things to do that im stressed about tomorrow.

Its like what coach A was saying. I need to be able to finish the day and accept I did what I did and tomorrows another day.

The problem is that by not doing stuff it leave people waiting and things waiting.

Like the freelancers are waiting for me to tell them what to do and the webmasters are waiting for my plan for their sites for the next months.

I don’t like feeling ivel left people hangning.

So I need to be clear about what ive promised which actually isn’t that much.

I just want to get things done.

But not everything can be done. So I need to work out what I need to get done and do that.

But that’s unclear.

So what I said yesterday to E – there needs to be a clear structure of who does what right now. and then u need to write a clear strurcture of what is needed and how a new better structure will work.

Otherwise we’ll be stuck like this in a year’s time.

Anyway I kind of did what was needed yesterday and today I need to do what should be done and then theres just Thursday.

Make a list for September

Make a co.uk plan for September – focus on golf and tennis and boxing

Make a com plan for September – focus on horse racing

Think about who is writing what – how each freelancer is being used

Anyway this was supposed to be about my head

Amazing thing number 1

After wakig up at 2-3-4am Got 6 packs of lorivan, took 2 before I went to sleep at like 11.30. woke up 7am on the dot! didn’t really feel fresh as a daisy but definitely slept.

got six packets of these fuckers yesterday

littlun was in my bed and the wife was already at work. Go figure. Dunno how that happened. She said she came in our bed in the night cos she had a scary dream and tried to wake me up “daddy can you stay me” but I didn’t wake up so mummy said she could go in our bed.

It leaves littlerone scared and upset when she wakes up alone. They’ll both get over it. In a few years they wont want to sleep together any more.

Amazing thing number 2

Made llove on Sunday night and she wanted to last night but I didn’t really feel it (post morning mastu) and anyway I had to take the dog out and then go to super[harm to get the lorivan. When I came back she was doing tehillim then said she wanted something toeat and I sat to watch psg till half time then had a shower and while I was shaving she said night night. Shed given up.

Maybe tonight.. I need to run and meet with Coach A. hope shes paid.

My head

Forget the rappers supporting wiley and his insane jew hatred.

Need to end today with a feeling ive done what I can and im ok to finish it tomorrow and then next week is emergency only.

Right now its buzzy and fuzzy cos of:

- Organising the freelancers – they need to have stuff to write

- Getting rid of hry

- Making plans for all uk sites

- Creating an event list for all sports

- Im worried I haven’t given freelancers enough work which means we haven’t had enough content on the uk sites!

- Call partner – tv goes funny, picture on sprts channels is terrible

- Check fines in my bag

- Check budget next week

- Plan sophias party

- Plan Sophia and emmas chugim

- Make the apartment more palatable

- Use the balcony better

- What about the hammock?

- Eat less run more (im on that one)

- Should I even speak to naomi schogger

- Plans for camping next weekend?

- Maybe we all take Thursday off?

IS this is atodo list or just a list of what son my mind.

What is on my mind, as get off the ayalon. Ah no we’re at la guardia, its 8.49

That’s been 23 minutes of straight writing and I don’t feel much better.

Time to introspect.

Like I said last week, it’s the ehad and the feeling I don’t want to be in this job cos it makes my head feel like this but what job wouldn’t. I remember being at plt and not worrying about work in the slightest. I was drustrated but not overly busy. I came in at 6.30 when I had to and did nothing for 3 hours then went to sleep in the park.

How can the BIL do it when he runs a business.

Its about acceptance of the situation

This is what needs to be done, this is what can be done this is what im going to do and even if u don’t do it its ok.

All eyes on September 12.

And at home. The ninas are good. The wife is ok now despite our pre birthday celebrations Saturday night argument which we made up.

I think im gonna meditate now. This hasn’t helped much but it is what it is for half an ahour.

At least I can look back on it.

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sweetersuga · 8 years

Text

Bad Nights Sleep (Jungkook’s POV)

(This one may be quite long)

Jungkook x reader

Overall warnings: Angst, mentions of depression, reckless driving, hospitalization, mental illness

Jungkook cheater!au

prev - next

Three Months Ago

It was 7am. I rolled over, smashing my hand down on my clock before it had the opportunity to go off, not wanting to alarm Y/N. Today, I had to visit my mother in the hospital, and I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut before widening them again. As I stood up, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for the day. These past couple months since my mothers’ hospitalization after she had a stroke has felt like a routine. I’d wake up, work my butt off 5 days a week, come home, and send half of my entire paycheck in order to keep my mother safe and stable in the hospital. The doctors tell me she’s unable to live on her own without constant medical support and attention, which I believed to be lies. She’s always been so full of energy and life; when I first visited her after her stroke in the hospital, it pained me seeing her so empty and drained, but she’s never given up; so what more could I do for her?

As the water ran, I shed my body of my sweatpants and hopped inside the shower, sighing in relief as I felt the nearly scorching water wash over my entire body. I couldn’t help but feel nauseous, oddly enough. Slowly sliding down the shower wall, I gasped as a numbing pain grew in my stomach. It felt like someone had been squeezing my insides with their fist; like a nagging pain you couldn’t quite identify. Holding my stomach, I stood up and quickly turned towards the sink, slamming the medicine cabinet open until I found my prescription pills. I popped two in my mouth and swallowed them dryly as I closed the lid, sliding back into the tub, sitting back down to avoid pressuring my stomach further.

Doctors have told me multiple times that I’ve shown symptoms of depression, except my mother’s stroke had really “triggered” it into further consuming me. Y/N’s never known that I’ve been prescribed pills that I rarely have the time to take. When the doctor told me this disorder didn’t just effect your mind - you’d physically feel the pain all over - I started understanding that this wasn’t just a joke. It’d explain why, whenever I was teaching at class, I sometimes wouldn’t execute a move properly and I’d just think I strained my head too hard, or did too much cardio resulting in heartache, or I was even just hungry, I’d get pains in these main three sections. Even my students were starting to worry about me.

Slowly, I could feel the pressure in my stomach ease and I sighed in relief as I shakily rose to my feet, continuing with my shower.

I had gotten dressed and the clock only read 7:39am before I was completely ready to leave. I headed back to my room, glancing over Y/N’s body as she slept. I sighed and gently shook her, mumbling in her ear, “I’m going to go see my mom at the hospital on 5th Street. I’ll be back soon, alright?” to which she just hummed out, “Wha?”

I chuckled lightly and quickly kissed her cheek, repeating myself. “I’ll be back soon.” and headed towards the exit, missing her call out, “Jungkook, wait!” as I closed the door.

“Mom, I missed you!” I smiled as I gently shut the door. Her ears perked up and she warmly smiled at me once she saw me, holding her arms out. I squeezed her gently as she spoke. “Jungkook-ah, how have you been dear?”

“Great!” I lied before I realized it, although seeing her washed my worries away. “How about you?”

“I’ve been well, except these pabo’s won’t let me get any fresh air! It’s ridiculous,” She chuckles sarcastically. I frown. It pained my heart seeing her with all these things hooked up to her.

“Well, I’m working on that. I won’t stop paying the hospital until you’re out of here,” I smile at her as I held her weak, frail hand in mine. She then, using her other hand, firmly whacks me across the head.

“No! Jungkook, I won’t let you do it anymore. I’ll be fine here, I don’t need anything extra. The medicine they’ve been giving me is doing wonders!”

“What? What do you mean? I-I can’t just let you live like this! You know I’m helping you speed up your recovery!” I interjected. She just shakes her head and raises her eyebrows.

“Jungkook, you know I’ve always been proud of you ever since you were a baby, right? Nothing will ever change that. You don’t need to do this for me. I want you to go out and live your life to the fullest, not donate half of your earnings to me. I’m a strong one, Jungkook-ah, and I’ve never been more proud of you than I am now. As your mother, I want you to stop.” She sternly looked me in the eyes as she spoke. I choked back a sob as I looked down, nodding my head in defeat. As she was about to speak, my ringer out shined her voice.

“I’m sorry, I’ll turn my phone off-” “-No, go ahead and answer it!” She smiled. I nodded and whipped my phone out, a grin slowly creeping up my face once I saw who it was. Eunbae. She was one of my students who I teach hip hop to at the studio I worked at, and she was by far the best one.

“Hey! What’s up?” I answer.

“Hey, Jungkook! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime today? If you have anything important, it's alright though. I already asked Hoseok and Namjoon, and Jessica says she wants to come, too.” She giggled.

“Oh, yeah! Of course! I'm free..? I think." I stated. I couldn't help but remember some date Y/N wanted to plan with me, but I couldn't remember the exact day we planned it - I just assumed it was on Sunday. "What time?”

“We’re all gonna meet up at 1 at the studio, so how about then?”

“Of course. I’ll be there in a couple hours.” I smiled as she hung up, then glanced down at my phone briefly, snapping out of my trance once Mom spoke.

“Was that your girlfriend?” She laughs, winking at me to which I blush profusely. “Mom..” I scolded her.

“What? I still wanna know what’s going on in my son’s life!”

I cursed to myself once I noticed my phone was completely dead; I had forgotten to charge it at home and to also bring my own charger. I thought about Y/N as she briefly crossed my mind - she must’ve called me by now, worried or wondering why I haven’t picked up.

“Hey, do any of you have an iPhone charger?” I asked among the group of friends, all shaking their heads no.

“Mine’s broken, sorry man.” Namjoon shrugged. I sighed and nodded, shoving my phone back in my pocket.

"Wait! Here," Jessica digs through her bag, handing me a pink iPhone charger, along with a portable charger box. I thanked her as I plugged my phone in, shoving it in my pocket.

We were all having an amazing time as we hung out at BigHit Ent. We practiced a few of our own coreographies, ate out at the food bar on the first floor, and before we knew it, it was later than we expected.

We were all sitting on one of the small black leather couches, Hoseok propped up on the armrest, Namjoon sitting next to him along with Jessica on his lap, and I was sitting by Namjoon with Eunbae on mine in a casual friendly manner.

“So the guy was totally checking her out, so I walk up to him, asking him if he had a problem, you know. So he’s like, “Yeah, I couldn’t help but wonder why such a beautiful woman as herself would be with a guy like you.” So I just scoff and I straight up break his jaw!” Namjoon yells as he finishes his story. I roll my eyes when Jessica giggles, knowing he completely exaggerated the story, seeing as I was there.

“God Joonie, how many times are you gonna tell that exact same story over and over again?” Hoseok groans in annoyance.

“Yeah, we all know that’s not how it went! You shoved the douche bag and he tripped, bashing his face against a table.” I snickered, causing the rest of them to burst out in laughter.

“Hey, I still broke it if you think about it logically!” He defended, Hoseok just shook his head in disagreement. “Whatever you say, man.”

Namjoon glanced at his watch, then stood up with Jessica. “It’s getting pretty late, I’ll walk you home, Jess.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok added. “I should get going, too.” I handed Jessica her chargers while they began talking amongst themselves as they made their way towards the door.

“Ah, Jungkookie," Eunbae coos.

I chuckle and look up at her. “Mm?”

“I’m so glad you could manage to clear your schedule for this,” she chuckled. I smile at her adoringly. I’ve always admired her humble and soft demeanor and how she’s always been such a bright girl. There was no denying she was my favorite ‘student’, and honestly, Y/N’s never met her, let alone knows her.

"Are you sure your mom will be okay, though?" She inquires.

"Yeah, mom is a tough one! If she needs anything, she'll call me." I smile before I shove her a bit so I can stand up.

"Well, I had a really good time tonight. Could we do this again?" She bites her lip as she asks me.

I was about to reply, when my now fully charged phone buzzed in my pocket. I tensed up as I reached in my pocket, unlocking my phone to read the message. It was from Y/N.

"Fuck." I hiss lowly as I read it.

"How can you stand up your own girlfriend on your 2 yr ANNIVERSARY date? You're fucking unbelievable, Jungkook."

"What is it?" Asked Eunbae curiously.

"It's nothing. Speaking of mom, that's her. I gotta go, but yeah, let's catch up sometime?" I grimace. I don't know what came over me. All I wanted, was to feel something good for once. I wanted to disappear just for today; I wanted to escape my life and live as someone else. I wanted to leave everything behind. I grabbed the back of her head and gently pulled her towards me, my lips connecting with hers.

A gasp. That was what I heard as I pulled away, glancing towards the door, which had been loudly slammed shut. That was when I knew I messed up.

Currently

After Y/N broke up with me, you’d expect that I got what I wanted, right? Wrong. Things only got worse for me. She moved out without saying a single word to me. I begged her for as long as I could; as I watched her pack her things, all I could do was grab her wrist; try to pull her as close to me as I could to show her I didn’t want her to go. I even planned out an entire argument in my head - one where I’d apologize, she’d forgive me, and we were back to normal. The worst part about the breakup was that she hadn’t even clarified it. We just both knew what the other was thinking. Every call went unanswered, every text message, every email.

With her moved out, bills became a greater struggle. I couldn’t even offer to help my mother with anything, because two thirds of my paycheck went to bills itself, and what was left went to groceries. My mother wasn’t improving, either. Over the months, she only became heavily ill, her strokes appearing more frequently.

Eunbae and I stayed at bay. We never became official; I only distanced myself from her and I could see the pain it was putting her through, but did I care? No.

It was a Saturday morning when I woke up to a cold, empty, silent room. Lately, I’ve been numb. Feeling as if every day was repeating itself; I started to question if I was really here. Disassociating, was it called? They never mentioned a word about it to me. Focusing hard enough, I could make myself disappear at times where things were too stressful for me to handle. I felt nothing. Just numbness. It’s the meter right between the two lines of blanking and passing out - you’re awake, but you’re not all there. I stopped taking my medication as it just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. The pains were only something I got used to, but no amount off physical pain could top off what surged through my brain. Not even dancing could distract me, and that’s when I realized I was most likely at my breaking point.

The doorbell rang. I arose slowly, staring straight in front of me. The cold, dirty wood my feet pattered against raised chills throughout my entire body. Cleaning up around the house became less of a chore and more of an activity I dreaded, much like going to work - I could never find the energy, or the mental wellbeing to get the task done properly anymore. When had I started to suffer so much?

“Jungkook..!” I opened the door to see Eunbae. She had worry and possibly something else displayed on her face, before she looked at me. Not bothering to say anything, I motioned for her to come in, and she nodded. As she slid off her shoes, I closed and locked the door, heading towards the couch silently as I glanced out between the a small area that left a peak between the curtains.

“I-it’s so dark in here..” She started. I stayed silent as she continued. “I figured I’d come over, to help you clean up a bit. I know it’s hard for you.”

As much as she was sympathetic, and I should be appreciative, I continued to ignore her, enveloped in my own thoughts.

When? When had I started to suffer? Ah, when Y/N left. Of course that’d be it. But shouldn’t I be happy? She hadn’t cared before - about me. I was suffering, yet she never noticed. Was she the selfish one? Or was it I? What kind of boyfriend forgets their two year anniversary? So it was my fault. What kind of girlfriend doesn’t figure out her boyfriend has depression? It was hers. All on her. We were both so oblivious. Was it really me that night, or was it someone else? This, this suffering; this is me. It wasn’t me that night, whoever that was? He was happy. Who is he?

“Jungkook?” I snapped myself out of my thoughts and looked over to her.

“Mm?”

She just looks at me with a hurt expression, shaking her head as she chuckles painfully. “Nevermind.”

She had dusted, swept, vacuumed, washed the dishes, and even organized the things in the bathroom for me. Four hours later, she was finished.

She exhales coolly and dusts her hands off. “Wow, what time is it?”

“I don’t know.” I mutter. I hadn’t gotten out of that same spot on the couch since she came, with the exceptions of a bathroom break and to eat a granola bar.

“Want me to cook? What stuff do you have in - here...” She pauses as she opened the refrigerator, probably alarmed to see there was barely anything in there. An orange juice container, a gallon of milk, carton of eggs, and a half empty bag of salad.

“Jungkook, how are you living like this?” She sighs, shutting the fridge. I stayed silent as she strutted over to me, standing right in front of my face. She squatted down and my eyes followed her with a blank look.

“Come on, let’s go out somewhere. You haven’t done anything fun in ages! I can call Namjoon, Hoseo-” She suggests before I snap at her.

“God, will you just leave me the hell alone!?” I stood up quickly, the couch skidding back with the force of my legs. She winced and stood up, furrowing her eyebrows.

“I don’t want to do anything, okay? If you’re just going to fucking annoy me all day, then leave! Go on!” I heave, clenching my fists.

She nodded slowly as tears poured down her cheeks and she headed over to the front door, slipping her shoes back on. With one last look, she sighs and shakes her head as she reaches for the doorknob, leaving me in silence, yet again. With a huff, I plop back down on the couch, growling in aggravation once the home phone starts ringing. I reach over onto the table beside me and grab it abruptly to rid myself of that horrid noise.

“What? Hello?” I mumble.

“Is this the residency of Jeon Jungkook?” Speaks a male voice through the phone.

“Speaking. Why?” I inquire, suddenly stiffing up.

“I’m sorry to say this, but your mother didn’t make it.”

Black. All I could see was black. I tried to open my eyes, shutting them as soon as I did due to the whiteness of my surroundings blinding me and I grunted, attempting to reach for my throbbing forehead, but found I couldn’t move my hands. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I could hear panicked voices all around me, but I didn’t know who they were. My mind shifted in and out, until darkness consumed me.

The slow, vibrant beeping of monitors is what woke me. I attempted to open my eyes again, but as I did so, a pain shot through my head. I must be having those pains again. But where am I?

I started to remember as I kept my eyes closed.

She didn’t make it. I was on my way to the hospital where she stayed. I kept crying and crying; I couldn’t see anything as I drove through the rain. I desperately wanted to speed past the stop lights and all of the red lights, sobs wrecking through my entire body. I never wanted this to happen; it was all my fault. If only I had continued supporting her, she wouldn’t be dead. As soon as the light turned green, I sped up, not caring whether or not I’d get caught. I just needed to see her. I needed to know if this was real. Why did she have to leave me? Now everyone I cared about, they were all gone.

I was getting those pains again. The familiar squeezing sensation burst inside my head and my chest and I gasped, trying to grasp my heart with one hand as I drove with the other. I don’t remember what happened, but a truck crashed into the passenger’s seat of my car. I think I remembered trying to gain control of my car as the air left my lungs, but I failed once I began swerving into a wall.

That’s all I could remember. I opened my heavy eyes again, squinting as I made out my surroundings. From the white curtain shielding my view from the entire room, the hospital bed, and the machines hooked up to me, it was obvious that I was in a hospital; except it wasn’t the one I’d go to to see my mother.

A tall tan skinned man appeared behind the curtain, looking at me in surprise as he held a writing board and a small cup in his hand. “Mr. Jeon, we’re glad you’re awake. We thought it would take much longer for you to wake up.” He smiled warmly. I look at him in confusion and worry.

“What happened?” I asked, hoping he’d give me full details. “Am I okay?”

“You’re fine, besides a mild concussion. No broken bones. You were in a car crash, Mr. Jeon.”

As if on cue, I grab my head in pain and wince, touching the damp bandage. He quickly handed me the water along with two pills.

“Take these, it’ll ease your head pains soon.” He nods. I did as I was told, and sighed as the liquid soothed my scratchy throat.

“We aren’t finished running tests yet. Due to the state of your injury, you’ll be required to stay here for at least a week before we can release you. Otherwise, we’ll do our best to make you feel comfortable, and to help you if you’re in need of anything.”

I nodded slowly, processing everything he said as he left. I didn’t feel like crying anymore, even as I remembered my mother was now dead. All I could do was sigh and close my eyes as I rested my head against the pillow. The doors opened multiple times, but I didn’t expect to hear my curtain shift again.

“Jungkook!?” Yelled a female voice. I opened my eyes in curiosity, smiling gently as I saw it was Eunbae.

“Hey,” I whispered hoarsely, and she placed her bag down on the chair next to my bed, squeezing my hand.

“Ah, gently,” I winced, causing her to apologize profusely.

“I was so worried when I heard the news! I feel so bad,” She whined. Her hair was done in a neat bun, she had a long dress on, light makeup, and she even brought her umbrella with her.

“You don’t look worried, you look like you were on a date,” I muttered dryly, attempting to lighten the situation, which failed. She just swallows lightly and looks down at the bed, softly letting go of my hand.

“God, my head is killing me.” I licked my lips as I rested my head against the pillow, shutting my eyes again. Once again, the curtains were yanked furiously, and I assumed it was just the doctor coming to see if the pills were working. What I wasn’t expecting was to hear the soft, panicked voice of someone I could never forget.

“J-Jungkook..!”

AN: okay so im finally done with jungkook’s pov omg it took me from 12pm to 4:40pm to finish this!! I hope its good and i do find this part necessary to read, since in Y/N’s pov, it doesnt explain much as to why jungkook cheated, so i hope this chapter is good! and like I said, i’ll be doing two endings! x

#jungkook x reader #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook

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