#it’s actually the stupidest thing i do. it fucking kills you but gosh. i love the smell

[supercalime]

Romanov Commentary

Chapter 1 to 20:

- first off I’m gonna say that I know the real romanovs were horrible in many ways and yes, what happened to them was inhumane. That being said, I’m gonna judge the characters and situations as fiction, nothing beyond that

- Nastya is a horrible nickname. Couldn’t they have gone with Stasia?

- So far I really like the sibling dynamics

- Is the…spell ink…HOLOOOOOO????!!!!

- Winking was a sassy choice, but at what cost

- Let’s hope the fate of the doggies isn’t historically accurate

- It’s not fair to make me care so much about alexei! This poor kid

- I know romance is eminent but it still makes me a little uncomfy. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that zash (by the way dumb name) isn’t based in any figure in anastasia’s life at all

- Oh my gosh, as soon as they mentioned lice I knew where it was going. God, I hope I never have to shave my hair against my will

- The scene with nastya trying to signal the nuns had me on the edge of seat!

- Oh no… the rescue isn’t coming and it’s already breaking my heart

- Maria, don’t be dumb. You can’t tell Ivan

- Just like that, Ivan is dead

- Oh no. The new guy…

- I really wanna know what this doll will do, the suspense is killing me

- It’s July 15 already, we’re getting closer to the tragedy and I’m scared

- They are so excited thinking they are getting rescued…

- And so the bloodshed begins.

Chapter 21 to 40

- I can’t even imagine what kind of terror they went through in that basement. This hurts

- Wait a damn minute! We’re midway in the novel! What’s gonna happen? I mean, I guess that we are going with the famous theory that anastasia survived, but now I’m very invested!

- Alexei is alive too!

- Oh shit! Ghosts!

- Yep. They were historically accurate with the dogs. I hate it here

- I thought the whole ethereal form was so cool! Too bad it lasted half a second

- At least one doggie made it!

- I love a wise witch grandma trope, so obviously vira became my favorite character

- I knew the white army letters were fake!

- Please, I don’t want excuses to why zash shot nastya! I don’t want ulterior motive! Let him be a complex character who fucked up!

- This train scene is giving me big anastasia - the animated movie - vibes

- Holy hell! They shot zash!

- Poor horse, but desperate times I guess

- Don’t get me wrong, I love getting zash’s side of the story and yes the bolsheviks can step on a Lego, but it should be addressed that the Russian royal family weren’t saints. They did some pretty messed up stuff before they were taken. This feels very unbalanced

- That was the stupidest mindset for shooting a person, zash. What in the actual hell

- What the fuck! Dochkin died?

- Good thing everyone I like is in ghost form, more ghosts please

- I’m not surprised the time-travel idea isn’t real. I mean, we are not gonna mess up with time space continuum this late in the game

- She’s gonna forget everything and live a pain free life? That’s so bittersweet but I love it

- Forgiveness… can you imagine… I’m not crying you’re crying

- They are all starting over, that’s so beautiful

- I know I didn’t give it enough praise before, but I do feel that the romance aspect is really well done and makes me happy to see nastya and zash working it out in the end. They are really sweet

[whetstonefires]

Sephiroth, 1, 2, 5, 9, 12, 16, 20. I find your take on him so interesting! (And kind of sad too...)

Oh gosh this is so many! Haha okay, here goes.

1.Their physical weak spots

Huh. He’s programmed to be literally impossible to damage in the one actual fight in the Nibel flashback, the dragon. I theorize this might have been his first-level Limit? But of course you can’t use a Limit unless you’ve been injured first. (Apparently they reversed this in the Remake which is a major thematic change and I don’t like it? Anyway tho.)

So on one level his physical untouchability is part of his trademark and there’s a temptation to say ‘none’ and be done with it.

Normal human weak spots, I imagine, he’s not as alien as all that. The throat is the throat, I mean. His disinclination for wearing shirts may suggest an indifference to thoracic damage, but between his tendency to not get hit at all and the existence of healing magic that doesn’t necessarily mean much.

The vertical pupils which can dilate much further than normal would make him particularly vulnerable to flashbangs used in a dark or even dim environment. I assume Wutaian ninjas exploited the heck out of that. :D

2. Their emotional/moral weak spots

Abandonment issues was a big one, I think, and all the huge gaping vulnerabilities created by being a child with no one to love, or who loved you.

Thinking outside of Shinra’s standard pathways is a matter of some anxiety to him, in Crisis Core–his idea of resistance is ‘find my friend first and then oops fail to kill him they can’t prove it was on purpose’ and then later ‘turn down the assignment to find my friend and kill him.’ There’s just, a lot of emotional dependence on a toxic structure indicated by his behavior patterns.

I’m sure that was deliberately instilled, but it’s not that hard. His superpowers aren’t Superman scale self-sufficient until after he ‘dies’ once, and capitalism does what it does. He’s not much less dependent on the Company for survival than the average worker, and more so for identity.

Morally he was disadvantaged by being a corporate supersoldier with Hojo as his parent–the details of his upbringing have never been clarified but they sure didn’t put him anywhere outside Shinra enough for him to form external attachments, or even powerful internal personal ones prior to the rather shaky ones he managed with two peers sometime in adolescence, which leaves fairly few possibilities really.

Anyway morally he’s nothing but weaknesses, even before he got tangled up with The Thing From The Northern Crater and decided he was God and should consume all life. ^^;

5. Guilty pleasures 

You know, I don’t think even pre-evil Sephiroth did guilt much? Waste of energy, and (see above) he wasn’t socialized for it, it’s counterproductive in a soldier. The ‘guilt’ in guilty pleasure is really a species of shame though, and anyone with that much pride is vulnerable to the opposite, even if they weren’t exposed to someone like Hojo growing up….

You know, it was probably novels? He was a reader, and one of the most personal things we know about him from the OG is the deep impression left by Hojo’s furious rant about how inappropriate it was to use poetic expressions about magic. Even ‘magic’ was too sentimental for this domineering science twit.

So, every so often growing Sephiroth would get his hands on a piece of fiction, and the quality wasn’t necessarily great because it was whatever he could pick up in the break room or wherever, but he’d hole up out of sight and scarf it down. Even once he had his own living space and salary and could buy whatever books he wanted and store them, he’d pick up novels on the sly and get rid of them once he was done, like someone was going to catch him. One of the things he used to pick out of the ruins in Wutai during the looting was books.

He always felt a confusing mess of jealousy and scorn about Genesis’ Loveless thing. That he could just like it like that, constantly, right out in the open, where anyone could laugh at him. That nobody had ever taken it away.

Less tragically, I think sometimes he’d go home and watch bad TV. Whatever Midgar’s stupidest soap opera was. Sephiroth caught enough of the reruns to know most of the main plots. He had an opinion about who the father of Jaqueline’s baby should have turned out to be. He would never admit this.

9. Humiliating memories

Okay, as touched on above repeatedly, he grew up with Hojo, who loves breaking people down and laughing at them, so he’s probably got a lot of these.

The worst one is one time when he had a weak moment or an optimistic one, and asked out loud in words for something he really, really wanted, and Hojo said yes, and gave Sephiroth just enough time to get desperately excited and express gratitude before laughing at him and saying of course he was lying. Don’t be stupid.

That isn’t something important enough to bother with.

12. Grudges and vendettas 

‘Burning inside with violent anger’ isn’t there for no reason. From Nibelheim on these define him, and according to bonus materials of middling canon status he eventually sheds almost all identity elements but his grudges.

I think, based on the shape of his breakdown? That for most of his life he told himself that holding onto anger and pursuing grudges was a waste of time and energy. But that didn’t actually help him let any of it go, he just internalized and ignored things. Because he wasn’t actually not holding grudges, he was just reacting like someone who didn’t have any choices, and marinating in spite.

Spite against Hojo surfaces on the way up to the reactor in a way that says to me it’s a habit, almost a reflex. But it manifests in profound pettiness, and I think that’s the only way he normally felt he was permitted to act out against the people who really bothered him, though I’m also sure he channeled a lot of anger into unrelated killing. Natural thing to do when you’re a frustrated teenager who’s supposed to be killing people anyway.

By the time he did it in Nibelheim, it was an old habit.

The fact that he bothered to personally kill the Shinra President as his big debut says to me he was holding a grudge about his entire life against the person who commissioned him and declared the war and shaped the floating Midgar-world that defined his life. I think there were probably a lot of personal insults in there too, just because of the way Shinra Sr. seems to have conducted himself generally.

He’s a Donald Trump expy wouldn’t you.

Sephiroth is written as a much softer person in Crisis Core, almost absurdly so, but even there you can see him resenting Genesis and Angeal more than a little for abandoning him. It probably brought back his whole mess of feelings about Gast, who really did abandon him quite unforgivably but Sephiroth never knew the full circumstances, just that he was gone and later dead. There are signs he blamed Hojo, who doesn’t seem to have gloated openly about the murder even if he did make sure to inform the boy his favorite person was dead now.

And of course later on there’s Cloud, which doesn’t actually make that much sense until you loop in the retcon about Cloud throwing him into the reactor and cutting short his initial rampage. There’s the grudges he seems to have inherited from Jenova, against the Cetra.

It’s not out of the question that he killed Aerith the way he did in part because she was the thing Gast abandoned him for, as well as all the other less personal reasons. I sort of like to think so.

16. Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Of his own, as opposed to ‘about him’ that he found out about, I don’t think he really had many? He wasn’t much accustomed to privacy.

I think most of the worst things he did, as a human being rather than a transhuman monstrosity, were pretty unavoidably public; they were war crimes, and happened in front of some fraction of the rest of the army. He was praised for them.

There probably were a lot of dark things he never talked to anyone about, that weren’t really known, but except for outright humiliating childhood incidents like above he wasn’t particularly hiding them. He was just never in a position where it would have made any sense to him to bring them up.

Genesis wasn’t ever someone it was safe to be vulnerable around, and Angeal was uncomfortable with too much emotion, and besides they were fellow soldiers and it wasn’t like the things he didn’t talk about from the war were anything special, and he wasn’t going to complain about his childhood to them. And who else was there?

Dude needed so much therapy.

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines 

I go absolutely nuts with alternate timelines for Sephiroth. He’s so much fun to work with that way.

Lucretia and Vincent stole the baby and went on the run: Firo grew up kinda isolated in the woods with his parents but runs away at thirteen to fight Shinra because he’s so mad they had to leave Wutai because of the invasion. Parzival AU.

Ifalna recruited Sephiroth to her escape scheme and he wound up raising Aerith on the run, under the names Rith and Roth. Beloved Dust AU, that one’s actually online as you may very well know lol.

Vincent blew up the Nibelheim reactor with Hojo and Jenova in it when Sephiroth was six, and then later Midgar blew up as well and the Shinra world order collapsed, and the recently married Mrs. Strife adopted the weird lab kid. Later on Cloud pressures his big brother into starting an anti-bandit militia. Time Of General Strife AU.

Cute three-way blood brothers ceremony contaminates Genesis’ body with Sephiroth’s DNA and sets off his degeneration several years early, when they’re all teenagers and not nearly as famous, powerful, or fucked in the head. Brother and Brother AU.

And so on. ;}

[henrikvanderswoon]

Double the Kill: A Nancy Drew Play Written by 12-year-old Yours Truly - Readthrough Reactions

Okay, guys, I went through two cups of super strong coffee reading through this thing and I think I can hear colors now so… Have fun reading this!

I sincerely haven’t read this thing in probably ten years and I legitimately forgot almost everything about this play I wrote for myself and my twin/two best friends to perform. We used to write plays for each other all the time, as well as play Nancy Drew games together, so… this was all very fitting.

Anyway, this is a super long one and I APOLOGIZE but also I hope you enjoy reading this thing as much as I enjoyed writing it 😂

Okay, for starters, this story is titled: “Double the Kill” for two reasons that I can remember: (1) someone actually gets murdered, and (2) someone beheaded the Lincoln Memorial statue. 

…

You know when you’re in middle school and you’re assigned some topic to research for a project and suddenly you have this stupid amount of knowledge about something you don’t know what to do with? 

That’s what happened here. 

Anyway.

So, apparently I didn’t know what the word “pervert” was when I was 12 (poor, sheltered creature) so I legitimately named a character Blake Pervey and I’m gonna fling myself into the sun. 

Oh my gosh, I wrote up a case profile for this, complete with character roles and everything. Incredible.  

Let’s provide that for you guys:

The Case: Billionaire Erving Nickels is holding a benefit concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., where the band “One Love” will be performing. Erv senses trouble, so he calls Nancy Drew and her best friend Bess Marvin to watch out for anything “suspicious.” But about an hour before the concert’s about to start, One Love’s lead singer Terri James is found dead near the Lincoln statue and the head of the statue is gone!

Contact: Erving Nickels - a billionaire who’d arranged the benefit concert. He asked Nancy to come and watch for anything “suspicious.” 

Suspects: 

Erving Nickels: Goes by Erv, for short. As it turns out, this man has actually gone bankrupt recently. Could he go to desperate measures to gain back his wealth?

Blake Pervey (I still want to die): One Love’s back-up singer. Terri had broken up with him recently because he’d attempted to cheat on her (huh, maybe he really is a pervert after all). Did he murder her to get revenge and take her place as the lead singer? 

Lyza Benton: The make-up artist. Lyza is always on the prowl for the next juicy gossip to spill to the press and gain publicity. Could she have killed Terri to create the ultimate story?

Myra “Ryan” Williams: One Love’s guitarist. She was the person Blake had attempted to cheat with, but she’d refused. Terri didn’t believe Ryan’s story and blamed her for everything, which caused the two women to hate each other.

Victim: Terry James

Okay. Already this is a little better than “Murder at Turquoise Inn,” because there are actual suspects with actual motives??? aMAZING. 

Wow, Nancy’s a bitch. She didn’t even tell Erving that Bess was coming along. 

Erv keeps saying that he thinks something bad is going to happen tonight, and Nancy and Bess are both like,“Can you please explain why?” And he’s like, “I just have a feeling.” Like boi, that’s sketch. 

Bess: “Sorry to change the subject, Mr. Nickels.” 

Erv: “Please, just call me Erv.” 

Bess: “No thank you.” 

Bess…I know Erv is a weird name, but…why? 

Mr. Nickels is taking Nancy and Bess on a tour, right? And I keep peppering in random facts about the Lincoln Memorial I learned for school and it’s SENDING ME. 

“I’ll watch and wait for our groovy band to arrive, while you girls split up and watch for suspicious activity. Now, let’s boogie!”

Asfbadka Erv, no one talks liKE That! 

I would just like to take a moment to preface the rest of this post with the fact that I wrote this for me and my friends, and we were always writing the stupidest dialogue for each other because we thought it was hilarious. Um…which hopefully explains lines like these: 

(1) No one calls Erv Nickels, the handsome billionaire, “Darling.” Except his mother.

(2) [We’re going to change.] No, don’t change. We like you guys just the way you are. *laughs obnoxiously* 

…

I hate myself. 

So Blake and Terri arrive in the limo and let me tell ya’ll Blake is definitely flirting with Erv right now and I’m so fucking confused. 

Terri: That man’s got problems. I guess money does that to people. 

Blake: But we have money and we don’t have problems. 

Terri: Maybe it only happens to men.” 

Blake: But… I am a man. 

Terri: Exactly.

Okay, you can tell my love for writing banter was here from the fuckin get-go. 

Oh god, now Blake is flirting with Nancy. Fuckin hell. I may not have known what the word “pervert” was when I was 12, but this man was aptly named. 

Suspicious, suspicious.*Mocking* ‘Can you girls watch for anything suspicious?’ Something suspicious, yeah right. Oh look! A BUG. Oh, soooo suspicious.

Bess…. I love you. 

Okay, as dumb as everything is in this thing, some of this dialogue is fucking cracking me up so hard.

Bess: No! Honestly. I swear, it’s almost like he’s trying to keep us busy so something bad can happen.

*A faraway scream cuts in from offstage*

*Nancy and Bess look off in the direction it came from, way too casual*

Bess: What was that?

Nancy: I dunno. 

*They pause, then their eyes widen in realization* 

Nancy: Oh crap.

Listen, I know I’m a comedic genius, but this is getting out of hand. Dsbfsjkdsjfbk

Bess: Mr. Nickels! What woman was screaming so high like that?

Erv: That was me. 

I CAN’T BREATHE. 

I saw Terri lying there on the floor, apparently dead. 

Erving… the woman is DEAD. What do you mean “apparently?” 

Nancy and Bess find a letter Terri was going to give to Erving to tell him she can’t do the concert because she also felt like something terrible was going to happen to her, and all Bess can do is repeatedly laugh at the word, “Flee.” 

Hey, too bad “Honest Abe” is missing his head, otherwise he could tell us whodunnit.

Wow, yall. Bess is my favorite. 

You know, the funniest thing about this is that you can definitely tell how many of the games I played between writing my horrible novel at the age of ten and writing this. If this thing had better dialogue and more fleshed out story/characterization, I could picture this as an actual game, not gonna lie. 

And… maybe if it didn’t involve removing the whole-ass head of the Lincoln statue…

Yanno, tiny details like that.

Lyza: *laughing* Scared you, didn’t I? 

Bess: Oh, “scared’"is such a strong word. I’d say more… "severely startled.”

So Erving reveals to Nancy that he’s actually not dumb as bricks, but puts up the facade because he’s broke and doesn’t want anyone thinking he’s not still super rich and air-headed. I’m crying. 

You sensed something bad was going to happen. You should have called the police to stand guard! Not some amatuer teenager who calls herself a detective and her little friend!

…. The pervert has a point. 

So Lyza likes to meddle in people’s business. Ryan had written about Blake’s advances in her journal and Lyza blackmailed her about it, Terri blamed Ryan for Blake’s attempted cheating. Blake tried to bribe Ryan into going out with him by telling her he’d discovered a way to get his hands on a fabulous collection of priceless jewels, and Terri broke it off with him. He’s upset, Ryan’s pissed that Terri thinks she went along with Blake, Erving borrowed money to organize the benefit concert (in order to benefit himself) and now he’s in even deeper debt because the concert has been cancelled and Lyza is having a fuckin field day. 

BOY AM I ON BOARD FOR THIS SHIT.

Before he came into wealth, Erving worked in a museum in Chicago, and Bess finds a piece of paper on the floor of Ryan’s trailer with the phone number to this exact museum. Nancy calls to see if there is any connection between that museum and the Lincoln Memorial and apparently there’s a theory that the head of the Lincoln statue contains jewels that the museum talks about in a part of their exhibit. 

*kronk’s face* Oh yeah. It’s all coming together.

Nancy: For all I know, you could be the murderer. 

Erv: Why would I do that? I needed the money from the concert!

Nancy: No you didn’t. You could’ve just–I dunno–stolen the head of Abe over there in search for the ALLEGED JEWELS INSIDE.

Ya’ll… please don’t ask me how the FUCK one person would get tools to remove that head without anyone noticing. Please. 

Blake: Hey, guys, have you seen Ryan anywhere? 

Nancy: Why? You gonna ask her out again?

Kjdbfisfdosidnf FUCKIN’ SAVAGE, NANCE. 

oH MY GOD THE CULPRIT SLIPPED UP SO EASILY I’M SCREAMING. 

oH my god, Nancy told Erving they needed something to pick the lock on one of the trailers and he’s all: “Like a bobby pin?” And just takes off his hat, removes a bobby pin, and “lets his long hair cascade down and over his shoulders like a waterfall” and I’m crying. I can’t fuckin’ breathe.

Oh shit, wait… the first culprit was actually covering for the real culprit all along I’m losing my mind. My twelve-year-old brain was so advanced I just threw a curveball at myself sjdbfshdbfagh

Okay, so I’m not gonna spoil anything because I think it’s hilarious to keep you all wondering what the fuck is going on and who the hell did it and why, but I would just like you all to know that this play literally ends with one of the characters singing Hannah Montana’s “The Best of Both Worlds” completely off key because I thought it would be hilarious and I think that really tells you a lot about who I am as a person.

[parf-fan]

Halloween 2018

I had hoped to have this finished and posted last week, but it took longer to write than I'd planned (and also I got sick, which slows everything down).  As it is, it only went through two-and-a-half drafts, so it is not the most well-written thing I've ever posted, for which I apologize.

This full-on essay is a critique of the 2018 Halloween scenario.  As such, it contains spoilers – major freaking spoilers – below the cut. I beg of you: if you've not yet attended the Halloween event, DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE.  Even if you can't go, but plan on watching videos of it, wait to read this until you've watched the videos.  Not simply because of spoilers, but also because I do not want my opinions to affect your initial viewing.  You have been warned, and I entreat you to heed it.

Any critique worth its salt begins with the strong points, of which there are many, and I should like to talk about them anyway.

Half the new plot is awesome.  Midsummer-Night's Dream is my shit, and I am beyond stoked about the inclusion of its characters.  Even on the second day, when I knew it was coming, I could not stop myself from physically bouncing up and down in my seat from excitement at the introduction of Titania and Oberon.

The manner in which the ridiculous weather we've had all season (plus rehearsal month) was worked into the plot – not merely lampshaded or joked about, but as an actual plot-point – may be the biggest stroke of genius I've experienced at the Faire to date.  It is clever as heck, and adds an extra level of immersion.

SIX MONARCHS!  Oh, poor poor Kensington.  He didn't even freak out, he skipped directly to dead-inside acceptance.

The moment at King's Court in which the faerie monarchs are magic-tugging the goblet – and by extension, Triboulet – back and forth stuck out at me because of the excellent physical acting of Joshua Kachnycz.  He left absolutely no doubt that he was truly being magically pulled.

Likewise, Joshua's quick-change into the guise of Puck seemed exemplary to me (at least when both fog machines were working).  True, he did not change his whole attire, but in proportion to the parts he did change or add – in the middle of the stage, too! - I think he did it quickly and well.

Triboulet being Robin Goodfellow is not only totally in keeping with his character, but also bears out something he told me in Gauntlet once, something I meant to make a post about but never got the chance while I was thinking about it.  I had asked whether he had any genuine loyalty to Spain, or whether he was merely in it for the pay.  He responded with something along the lines of “Who said anything about pay?”.  Upon asking him to elaborate, he indicated that he was never hired by Spain, but rather was bent on causing chaos for the sake of chaos, stirring up shit for the pure fun of it.  That was when I knew that he'd be revealed as a faerie trickster come Halloween, but I didn't suspect Puck specifically until about two minutes before the reveal.  tl;dr, Triboulet as Puck matches perfectly with how I've been interpreting him all season.

Furthermore, the fact that it's Puck causing the primary mischief enables me to utter such phrases as “everything's Pucked up”, “Puck this”, “you motherpucker”, and “Puck you”.  It is the stupidest play on words possible, and I love it, and will likely not stop using it until everyone in the shire hates me or the season ends, whichever happens first.

Everything involved in deciding the fate / punishment of Puck is just beautiful. From seeking asylum in England, to being reduced to prose (which, mood), to throwing himself on Titania's mercy after learning about Jane's past, just all of it.  Side-splitting, well done.

THE NEW WORDS TO THE ROGUES' TREATY-SIGNING SINGING!  Oh my gosh.  When I realized what was being sung, I laughed very loudly and fairly long, probably confusing a few patrons who didn't notice the difference, possibly irritating some, definitely killing the moment for a few.  I love it.  I love it immensely and will never be over it.  For any who didn't notice or couldn't make them out, the new words are “Nosferatu, some spooky dudes,” over and over.  It is comedy gold, for the scene is so solemn and gratifying, and the new words sung in total seriousness, and with no specific attention called to them.  Comedy freaking gold, I tell you.

The mid Parting-Glass speech.  Holy shit.  Just.  Fuck me up, I have Emotions.  A lot of emotions.  I already almost cry upon hearing it, I'm gonna fuckin' bawl my eyes out on the last day.  Fuck.

The entire plot with Titania and Oberon and the conflict over the seasons and said conflict spilling over to harm the humans is spectacular, and I love it.  But the other new plot?  Not so much at all.  Why? Distilling down every issue to its core, the thing in common with them all is this: it's just bad writing.

What the wine plot tells me is that the writers' first impulse upon being presented with multiple lead romantic relationships is to do some sort of love-triangle-square bullshit.  Yet love-triangles/squares are boring and overdone, and present no challenge in terms of devising conflict.  They are uncreative.  And basing full half your plot around them is simply poor storytelling.

Similarly, one of the things I most admired about the main season was the presence of conflict without a joust to the death.  Setting up the Joust and conflict  without the promise of fatality is more of a challenge, and therefore the successful result is more engaging.  I take no issue with the fact that the Ultimate Joust is generally to! the! death!, but greatly admired the achievement of pulling off the plot without it just this once.  So when the Halloween Joust was revealed to have returned to its deadly state, I was let down.  If nonlethal Ultimate Jousts were a more common thing, perhaps I'd not be so upset about this.  But I believe this is the first one I've seen, and we all know it'll be to! the! death! once more next season.  Which I will have no problem with.  But returning the promise of fatality this season is a step backwards in quality.

During main-season Joust, I frequently found myself just beaming at the field, happy to watch six knights, all honorable in-universe (or so it seemed) and out, doing what they loved without filtering their enthusiasm through masks of hate or greed.  It was so wholesome a thing to be able to Favor any knight in wholly good conscience both in-universe and out.  Sure, Henry and Francis were being prideful idiots, but not so seriously that it compromised their morality overmuch, and thus I gladly Favored them.  I would not expect this of Joust every year, but I loved that it was so this season.  I loved that pure moment of contentedly smiling over the field, filled with love for all those riding upon it.  And I hate that I've been robbed of that moment three weeks too early.

The pre-joust dialogue was not between Francis and Henry.  I mean obviously, it wouldn't be, since they were both enchanted.  But it didn't even sound like enchanted versions of them talking.  It was straight-up Don Alonso and Sir Robert.  Literally.  Every word they said was the exact same stuff we hear from the Bad Knights, complete with the promise of drinking wine from hollowed skulls.  Perhaps it was just because I was already in a disappointed state of mind, but it just didn't seem effective.

The point that may gall me the most as a storyteller: the solution to saving the day came out of fuck-all nowhere. It was not hinted at, foreshadowed, or set up in any way.  Because I'm extra salty, let's look at some recent previous plots for a moment.  In Halloween 2016, the thing mentioned several times throughout the day was that Excalibur could only be pulled from the stone by one worthy to rule England.  Catherine drawing it forth thus fulfills a narrative promise.  In Halloween 2017, the point stated several times throughout the day was that Rumple could not be harmed by mortal man.  Thus, when Catherine successfully breaks his power, we understand why she is able to.  Main season 2018, the recurring thing throughout the day was the back-and-forth between the jesters. Thus, we can track the point to which Jane arrives at in shooting Triboulet.

But Halloween 2018, what is the point mentioned repeatedly?  What do the antagonists / new characters emphasize?  That the mortals cannot throw off the magic of the wine before sunrise.  What, then, does that indicate?  What is the logical storytelling resolution of that? That a faerie will be the one to undo it, or at least enable the humans to.  That is the narrative promise.  The fact that the mortals are able to break it on their own doesn't make sense, and cannot in any way be predicted or deduced or traced through after the fact from anything elsewhere in the plot.  That's poor storytelling, mate.

The Halloween plot is meant to up the antie.  To take things to the next level.  To be grander, more sweeping, more epic.  That's a simple fact of its existance.  And this year, the writers' idea of grander and more epic was to go from friendship-love saving the day to romantic-love saving the day?  NO! FUCK YOU!  You know better, I know you do!  Romantic-love is not inherently stronger or more important or more valid or more valuable than friendship-love, and I've always treasured the Faire as one of the few settings in which I can count on that truth being understood.  This is a betrayal.

Besides, the power of true romantic-love saving the day is amatonormative and just so. fucking. overdone.

My next point involves a different point, one I'd been meaning to write about since week one but never had time to.  I had truly hoped that the Chessmatch would be between the queens.  That's one of the things that made 2017 work so well.  The king got to win his glory at Joust, and the queen got to win her glory at Chess.  It balanced them out, and ensured that one ruler did not appear more plot-important than the other.  And so it should have been this year.  When I saw that it was not so, I took some consolation in the knowledge that the queens would at least have their moment in saving the day in Halloween.  But they didn't.  I mean, Catherine was the first to throw off the effects of the wine, if you count that, but it's not really the same. The queens were both wholly robbed of any opportunity to display their prowess and win their own triumph, and I am very much not okay with that.

Which brings me to the subject of the queens.  It may be most effective for this next point to quote directly from my stream-of-consciousness bullet-point brainstorming of all the issues I found with this scenario.

YOU MADE THE QUEENS FIGHT i will never forgive yo[u]

WHY DID YOU MAKE THE QUEENS FIGHT

LIKE REALLY

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT THEY WERE ENCHANTED, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT IN-UNIVERSE RIGHT NOW

HOW DARE YOU BREAK THAT BEAUTEOUS, WONDERFUL FRIENDSHIP AND SOLIDARITY WE’VE BEEN TREASURING ALL SEASON AND LONGING FOR FOR SO LONG

AN[D] OVER FUCKING ÉROS????? ARE YOU SHITTING ME

As the Halloween Chess initially unfolded before me, as the kings' tempers rose and they became more and more volatile toward one another, I was already thinking about the post I would write about the new scenario, and I noted that I would include something about how I was glad that at the least they didn't have the queens turn on one another.  I made specific plans to mention that as a silver lining, a partial saving grace.  And then they fell to the quarrel/fight scene between Hermia and Helena, and all I wanted to do was scream and throw things and, in hindsight, cry.

Let me take a moment to reiterate.  I fucking love Midsummer-Night's Dream.  It is my absolute favorite of Shakespeare's plays, it's the first play of any kind I ever saw, it was a facet of my childhood, and I was in two separate productions of it.  And in that play, the quarrel/fight between Hermia and Helena is one of my favorite scenes.  It's so much fun to perform, and gave rise to my tagline: though she be but little, she is fierce.  But that scene has no place here with these characters.

This then brings me to my next point.  In-universe, none of the fighting makes sense.  Since the looks matched up, everybody's wine!love was requited, and nobody felt a claim on someone another now wanted. I've watched Chess all four days, and the three most recent days, I've made active effort to track the development of the conflict, having not understood it before.  But I still cannot see what they are fighting about.  Yes, it was stated that the wine would fill the drinker with rage, but what we saw between the kings in the main season, that was rage.  This is rage combined with a massive fuckin dose of irrationality.  The reasoning gone through to arrive at both the brawl and the joust comes down to insane troll logic.  This is the second thing that bothers me the most as a storyteller.  If Oberon's line about the wine had simply included a mention of irrationality along with the rage, the whole conflict would seem a lot less bullshit.

And now, the third thing that bothers me the most as a storyteller: you guessed it, the cup.  Listen, Dumbshow-lampshading the utter lack of mention or explanation of the cup following King's Court does not make it good storytelling.  Last year's lampshade about the treaty worked because we'd already had a whole main season about that.  But the cup was just. abandoned, and not long after being introduced.  Of course I see the need for something to call the faeries to the shire, but you can't take the entire inciting macguffin of so primary a plot and so thoroughly ignore it for the rest of the story.

This is even less excusable when considered with the fact that there was ample opportunity to keep the chalice involved.  Simply have it present at Chess, mention in the preamble that the match is partially for possession of  the cup (albeit maybe temporarily), and add a line to Triboulet's toast-proposing, something about the toast also being in anticipation of the victor toasting his opponent's health from the goblet.  Once the wine takes effect and everything starts going to shit, the kings no longer care about the cup.  The cup should then also be present at Joust, since the faerie monarchs are wagering possession of it on said game.  It doesn't have to be made a fuss of, it just has to be there, and probably spared a few words in the part of the recap given by Titania and Oberon.  This would at least settle the plot point, if not resolving it, and actually turns it into something of a successful red herring.  At the start of the Chessmatch, the audience is expecting a continuation of the plot from King's Court, not a sudden love-square.  Reprising the chalice at the beginning of the match would bear that out, lulling the audience in to a false sense of plot-security, if that makes any sense.  The wine plot is then eased in rather than sudden; not because it begins any subtler, but because the fakeout plot lasts a little longer, and overlaps.

And a final, less significant note: the fae don't look like fae.  They pretty much look human.  Oberon looks his part a little better, 'cause he's got slightly odd eyes and an unusual crown, but that's it.  And Titania simply looks like a human in an orange dress and flower crown.  True, the style of her dress is not of the English Renaissance era, and that makes her stand out a bit, but it isn't disquieting.  At least the two previous years, the faeries have been visually off-putting, disturbing, unsettling, bordering on creepy. This post says it better than I can, so allow me to quote from it:

also i think that for me personally you are not doing midsummer night correctly AT ALL if you haven’t put a lot of work in on the part of the actors and costumers and makeup and other elements to make sure that the fairies are as unsettling and otherworldly and uh FAE as possible. the fairies aren’t supposed to be cute. titania should strike fear into the audiences’ hearts just by being onstage.

All in all, I have never been so disappointed in something from the Faire.  I am heartbroken, in a way.  This universe, the Megan-Zach universe, has been so very good from the start, and has just built exponentially the entire time.  There was the 2016 main season, and that was friggin' fantastic.  Then the 2016 Halloween plot, and that was even better.  Then there was 2017 main season, and that was better still.  The main season plot gave way to the 2017 Halloween plot, and bloody hell that was even better! Then there was the main season 2018, and holy fucking shit on a stick, that was freaking incredible!  And then there's the Halloween 2018 plot – which, nope.  They'd been building and building these three seasons and now, in this final moment, they partially blew it.  I've been informed that this is the last year of Megan and Zach as our monarchs, that this is it for this universe.  And this is not the note anybody – actor or patron – deserved to end on.

There are some silver linings though, and I should be remiss to not mention them. (Though most of them are not significant enough to be true silver linings, but rather what I refer to as pewter linings.)

First, I am pleased that they retained the bout of flyting.  As the day is no longer saved by Jane, the back-and-forth between the jesters is no longer necessary for the plot, and as such, neither is the flyting. It has been one of my favorite moments all season, and I am grateful that they left it there.  Particularly when considering that they had to remove the sample performance of an out-of-house performer in order to make time for the new segment.  I think that a good decision.

At the end of the chessmatch, Puck announces  the upcoming joust through an entertaining impression of Kensington.  Even if I weren't staying through the wine-affected monarchs' end-of-game bullshit in order to experience the faerie/weather plot, I'd stay just for that impression, because it's hilarious.

Getting to see Catherine wielding a sword at Joust almost makes up for a third of the wine plot.  Despite the awfulness of what enabled that moment, the moment itself is hecking fantastic.

After the faerie wine has been dispelled, Henry has a line saying that the enchantment could not have made him behave like that unless he already had the potential to do so.  This bears out an crucial point in the series of fic I'm (still) working on about the Bavarians.  I had already decided that faeries cannot manipulate anyone – physically, mentally, or emotionally – into doing something that the person in question did not already posses the capacity to do, and though it's not exactly a plot point, or even stated directly in the fic, it's very important to me, and is sure as heck gonna be mentioned in the author's notes.  So it was rather nice for that to be confirmed as canon.

At Finale, the human queens sometimes acknowledge that there was potential for them to have looked at each other after the wine. Moreover, they also acknowledge that that course of events would have been at least slightly less awful, and do not seem averse to the notion that this hypothetical version of events would've led them to become enamored of another woman.  This acknowledgment does not make up for too much, but it does help a little.

The real silver lining, though, the closest thing the wine plot has to a saving grace, is Sir Walter.  It wasn't just a matter of his reactions to everything being entertaining, as they always are, but genuinely interesting.  This line of plot takes his role as only sane man to the next level.  He went beyond “how can I salvage this festival day” to “how can I save these four people and both their realms from war and ruin”.  It was no longer a matter of stress for him, but of the wellbeing of two nations and all those therein.  This conflict threatens more people and more peace more than any conflict he's experienced here before (that we've seen), and that change altered his actions and reactions in a very tangible way.  It was quite enjoyable to see him go from just stressing over the day to stepping up and actively trying to change the course of events, even in conflict with the orders of his rulers.  He flat-out refused to announce the joust, for one.  And even during the final battle of Joust, he kept putting himself between the queens, knowing that it would result in his ass getting kicked.  If they're teamed up hurting him, they can't hurt each other.

There's also the extremely interesting fact that half the time the faeries did any sort of magic that physically manipulated the mortals (freezing everyone, making everyone fight each other in aid of the kings), it didn't seem to have any effect on Kensington.  Now, granted, I may just be looking at the wrong places at the wrong times on this one, but if absolutely nothing else, I know he is definitely unaffected by the everybody-fight-each-other enchantment.  This is both fascinating and really cool to me, and has the potential to open up some compelling character details.  I think I may sometime compile and run through a list of the different potential explanations I've thought of for this. (I'm sure it won't be too difficult to guess my favorite possibility even without seeing what all I've come up with, but it should still be a nifty post.)

Overall though, despite these pros that would've been impossible without the wine plot, the wine plot is, to my mind, terrible.  It is not badly executed, of course.  Far from it.  It is executed brilliantly and beautifully, and truly the actors and stagecrew and sound and effects teams have my admiration no end.   But being well-executed doesn't make the writing any better.  It is poorly-written, overdone, borderline cliché in places, and did not add to or enhance my experience.  I know the writers are capable of better, and cannot for the life of me determine why they settled for something so frustratingly mediocre.

How do I know it's bad writing and not just a plot I don't like?  Because when shit started going down, I became angry at the writers, not the characters.   That is the ultimate test of quality.  If something you don't like is happening in a story and you become angered at the people within the story, then what is happening makes sense, and does not jar you from the world of the story, although you disapprove.  If something you don't like is happening in a story and you become angered at the writer(s), then what is happening does not make sense, and you are jolted out of the world of the story, remembering it to be fiction.

I hate the wine plot, and what's more, I hate that I hate it.  I wanted to love the Halloween plot in its entirety, and hating so much of it just breaks my heart.  And in total honesty, I know that certain people were eager to see my reaction to the new plot, and I expect that they're at least somewhat crestfallen that I detest a good bit of it, and that knowledge just makes me even sadder about the whole thing, and I'm angry that it fell out this way, and I'm let down, and I'm disappointed in the writers, for – not to sound like a broken record – I know them to be capable of far better than this.

[stargazerdaisy]

This is all Kylia's fault

Like seriously.  ALL HER FAULT.  She just had to tag me in this post and then my stupid brain spun off into another dimension and vomited up 1700 words over the course of the day.

THIS IS SO CRACKY I AM ALMOST EMBARRASSED. 

So if you think this is just the stupidest thing you've ever read, blame @kyliafanfiction.  I had no control over this or at all.

Enjoy.  I hope.

Skye is digging through security code for the base, making sure everything is up to snuff.  When she starts noticing some weirdness in the code.  It catches her eye, and let’s face it, it’s new, which makes it interesting.  So she goes digging.  And digging.  And digging.  Because, Skye.  At first it’s just quirked eyebrows.  Then they start to pinch.  Then her brow gets positively furrowed.  By this time, there are mutters escaping intermittently.  Which then turn into sighs, and then, growls.  Finally, she shrieks, “FITZ! GET IN HERE!”

“What now?” he huffs, rolling his eyes at her dramatics.

“I think I found something that honestly, is just completely insane and I’m probably crazy, but I really don’t think I am.  I need you to check it and see if you can tell if it’s real or not.”  Skye steps back from the computer, head tilted, as if reading the code sideways will help it make more sense. 

Fitz slides around her to get a look at the screen, grumbling quietly to himself about how no one can ever do anything without him, and if he wasn’t here, the entire base would collapse under the weight of everyone’s expectations alone, and that’s before we even get to all the structural damage they keep causing.  But as he starts examining the screen, his murmurs slow down and eventually stop mid-sentence.  His mouth hangs open and he can’t even blink.

“No way.  This can’t be…”

“Right?!” Skye screeches.  “You see it too, don’t you?”

“But there’s no way that could be right.  That can’t actually be what’s happening.” Fitz pauses for a moment, then turns to look at his friend.  “Can it?”

“I’m not saying it makes sense, but the code is all there.  I can’t find a flaw with it,” she confirms. 

“Woooooow, I’m going to need to need a minute,” Fitz says, plopping into the chair Skye has just vacated. 

The silence stretches on as they each try to make sense of the information on the computer.  Finally, Skye breaks it.

“So,” she begins, “when and how do we tell them?”

“No, we can’t,” Fitz replies.

“I think we have to,” Skye says.  “Don’t they deserve to know?”

“But will it actually help them?  Will there actually be any value in telling them they have no control over their own lives?”

“Oh Fitz, are you on this again?” Simmons says as she breezes into the room, only having heard the last part of his thought.  “We are not cursed.  We are writing our own destiny, not the other way around.”

Skye and Fitz look at each other in alarm.  Do they set her straight or let her be with her mistaken assumption?

“I don’t know, Jemma,” Elena says, coming in behind her.  “We’ve seen an awful lot of stuff happen that is so crazy, it doesn’t seem like it could have happened without some external force directing it.”

“That doesn’t mean it was pre-destined,” Mack says following his girlfriend.  “If we don’t have power over our own choices, what’s the point?  I’m not about to surrender my agency.  We can change things.”

“But how you would know if you did or did not have agency?  It’s not like characters in a play know that they’re characters in a play.  They think they’re regular people just living their lives.”

“Fitz!” Skye hisses.  “Might that be a little too on the nose?”

Fitz merely shrugs.    

“You’re literally no help,” Skye scowls.  “You tell me we shouldn’t say anything and now we’re having some deep philosophical discussion about free will.”

“Tell us what?” Coulson asks, popping in at an absurdly convenient time, as if it was choreographed. 

“What did you do now?” May pipes in, stern expression as always.

“Oh my gosh, we didn’t do anything!” Skye says exasperatedly.  “I just found some weird stuff when I was going through the security code.”

“And what did you find?” Coulson prompts, when it is clear Skye wasn’t going to elaborate.

She exchanges another look with Fitz.  He shakes his head no, she mouths ‘Please!’ at him, he grimaces and starts gesturing more vehemently to keep quiet, while she gets more animated with her pleas, all the while not a single word is actually spoken. 

Finally, May loses her patience and demands, “Someone better explain what is going on right now.”

Skye swallows guiltily and shoots Fitz one last look.  He throws his hands up in defeat and turns away in frustration. 

“Okay, so, um, you might want to sit down for this,” she starts. 

“Get to the point,” May insists. 

“Fine.  But remember, you asked for it.”  One last deep breath and she launches into her explanation.  “So when I was looking through the code, trying to spot and fix any weak spots, I noticed some weird stuff.  I followed it and well, I’m not sure how to say this, but…  We’re characters in a TV show.”

Stunned silence follows her announcement.  Then, seemingly on cue, the entire group bursts into laughter. 

“Oh Skye, that’s hilarious,” Jemma says.  “As if any of us are interesting enough for a television show.”

Mack guffaws.  “If this was a TV show, people would constantly be making fun of it for how ridiculous it is.”

“Speak for yourself,” Coulson says.  “I am plenty interesting.  Anyone would love to know more about my robot hand and its gadgetry that would make Tony Stark jealous.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Phil,” May says flatly.  But seeing Skye’s irritated expression in response to all the laughter, she asks, “How can you tell, Skye?”

“I know it sounds crazy.  Trust me, I do.  I didn’t believe it either.  I made Fitz come check it with me,” Skye defends herself.  “Tell them Fitz!”

Fitz huffs, but replies.  “It doesn’t make sense.  But the code is there.  I saw what Skye is describing.  She knows code way better than I do, so If I saw and she can describe it, then it’s probably true.”

“So what, this is like the Framework?” Elena asks, her eyes flitting across everyone.  “We’re just simulations?”

“Sort of,” Skye says.  “What’s different is that it’s not running automatically.  In the Framework, Aida had just set up the parameters and algorithms and the program ran itself from there.  This is different.  There is someone, or several someones most likely, intentionally picking and choosing and directing what happens to us.  Like, everything.  For the past 5 or so years.”

The room is quiet once again, but the tension is palpable. 

“You mean someone chose to cut off my arms?” Elena asks angrily.

“Mine too?” Coulson adds, shocked.

“They sent me to space on purpose?! TWICE?!?!” Jemma shrieks.

“And gave me brain damage!” Fitz says.

“And shot me!” Skye cries. 

“And made me dance,” May exclaims, disdain and loathing dripping from every word. 

“So we aren’t real?” Mack says.  “This is making my brain hurt.”

“Like that’s hard, Turtle Man,” Elena snarks. 

“Who are these people that think they can just do this and we’ll have nothing to say?” Coulson demands.

Skye’s mouth twists into a scowl.  “Best I can tell, there are several people involved, but it mostly comes down to two people.  They make all the major decisions and even write a lot of it.  So they’re definitely the ones to blame.”

“Geez, it’s like they get off on torturing people as much as possible,” Simmons complains.  “What the hell is wrong with them?!”

Without warning, Kara, Ward, and Lincoln manifest in the room, as if pulled from beyond the grave.  “WHO DID WHAT NOW?!?!?!” they all scream in unison.

“Ummm…” stammers Skye. 

“Well, that is fucking bullshit,” Kara curses.

“Tell me about it,” Ward glowers.

“I got blown up in a spaceship, just because someone thought it would be entertainment? Are you kidding me?!” Lincoln hisses.

“Look at me!  I basically died three times!” Ward says.

“At least they liked you enough to keep bringing you back,” Lincoln points out. 

“At least they remember you.  They don’t even mention me ever again!” Kara cries.  “I was just a plot point to them, only useful when they needed me to prove something.  And they sucked at that too.”

“As opposed to having you possessed by an alien squid-slug-thing after you have your chest caved in?  -Thanks for that, by the way, Coulson – But, I don’t know.  I probably would have preferred getting forgotten all together.” 

Kara shrugs noncommittally.  Either option seems pretty crappy. 

“Well, this is freaking depressing,” Fitz says.  Everyone nods glumly in agreement.

After a moment, Coulson speaks.  “To think, all of this craziness: Hydra coming out of the shadows – thanks for that, Ward – to Skye’s crazy parents to the Inhumans to Radcliffe and Aida and now going to the future and coming back; none of it was happenstance.  It was all on purpose.  Just…..wow.”

“At least you got brought back to life,” Kara mutters under her breath.  The couple people closest to her, Lincoln and Skye snicker but try to hide it. 

The group lapses into quiet as they each contemplate what this information means for them.  Moments of enlightenment flicker across their faces one by one, as they remember some other event or instance where they had thought it was just luck – good or bad.  How those recognitions built up emotionally varies.  Bewilderment and confusion reign for some, others are angry and seething, more still are somewhere in between.  Fear is a significant factor for all of them.  If all of this had happened already, what will be coming next? 

“It’s even worse, you guys,” Fitz says, realization suddenly dawning on him.  Everyone turns to look at him.  “They kills dogs.”

It is so silent you could hear a pin drop.  No one dares to breathe.  Evocative of a school of fish, they all turn slowly, in perfect synchronization, towards a single point.  Almost like...they were looking at a camera.

“I’ll kill them,” May hisses.

“Not if I get there first!” Ward bellows.

And just like that, they all took off in a charge, scrambling to get to their tormentors and make them regret ever daring to mess with them. 

[insarations]

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? oh yes :) but gotta  get me some hot chocolate or blanket

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? usually just a scrap of paper or whatevers close

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i put soy milk and sugar in my coffee....just sugar in tea

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? ya :/ well at least if my mouth is open...I have terrible teeth

6: do you keep plants? no

7: do you name your plants? noo lol

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? painting/drawing/crafting..sometimes writing or poetry

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? very much

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? usually side, sometimes back

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? too many to name

12: what's your favorite planet? hmm...never thought about it strangely. saturn for looks. but mars cause idk..it holds the most possibility

13: what's something that made you smile today? my cats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? uhhh....idk

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! A day on Venus is actually longer than a year on Venus... wrap your head around that ;)

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? ooooh all of them lol but probably lasagna... ooh or alfredo

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? just darker...dark brown or black

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up when i made us play hide n seek in a hotel room and i hid behind a curtain. or when i peed on my friends foot cause she got stung by a jellyfish XD

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I used to :/ I dont' really anymore..probably should

20: what's your favorite eye color? um idk really it depends on the person..I usually like brown or blue. not that green isn't nice but again depends on the person lol

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. ugh I really don't use bags or purses or anything like that much. currently my black vans drawstring

22: are you a morning person? nah, never will be. i'm used to getting up early but still hate it

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? yes..a few people

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? umm i dont think ive broken into anywhere

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i got rid of all my own shoes but the ones ive had a while i wear the most are my black slipon vans

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? mint

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? only she could do it, cant even explain lol

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? more than a few times

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS lol absolutely not all white socks. I like fun patterned socks..especially my vans no shows... sometimes sleep with them on

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. oh gosh dont let me start

33: what's your fave pastry? uggghh too many. recently something amazing I tried... lobster tails from carlos bakery. but really..any pastry lol

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? lots of them. the main one I can think of is a small little grungy horse named Wickee lol...got him at this amusement park called Wickee Watchee... idk where he is atm :/

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? ooooooh yesssss...from time to time

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? 21 pilots

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I mean I like it clean.... but it's messy most the time anyways lol

38: tell us about your pet peeves! ugh so many. the #1 thing probably is when I'm walking like in a store and someone just stops right in front of me..like i'm tryna get somewhere please move haha but otherwise I just had selfish spoiled people and attitudes and people who think they're better than everyone else

39: what color do you wear the most? black and gray

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? um honestly I don't have any jewelry besides my liprings. There is this necklace that was my grandmas but I don't really wear it anymore

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? It's called Pawn by Robin Roseau

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Starbucks. it's amazing. it's life. that is all.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? this girl

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? um hmm on and off lately and I think i'm getting there again...but probably really completely like...last spring

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? as much and often as I can

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. oh you don't want me to do that

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? donald trump. oh food. hahahahah omg. i thought it said thing. hahahaha. i cant even answer now.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? roaches. yes still same. I HATE THEM

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? eh neither like or dislike..rarely ever buy cds never records. But I did recently buy the Gwen Stefani Christmas album ;)

50: what's an odd thing you collect? nothing really odd. oh well.... unique boxes. I guess thats strange lol

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? so many songs.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? uh hmm.. probably the spongebob mocking one lol

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? honestly..dont kill me...no

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? myself XD

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? gotten out of the car and walked a mile home XD

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? just being genuine and truthful and sweet and trying to be funny even if you're not really

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? BEAUTIFUL. I didnt actually listen but I did in my head. BEAUTIFUL SONG

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? uhhhh..... dont really have a group of friends XD

59: what's your favorite myth? hmm too much thinking

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? depends, most the time...the Footprints poem

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? given um...idk I used to get a buncha stuff from the dollar store for my fam every year lol received? a rock from my ex bf -_-

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nah not really a juice person

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? yes organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? yesss....

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? uhhh eh..not for me

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? either calm or sad or sleepy or a combo

68: what's winter like where you live? it's florida. not usually cold. this week is as cold as it gets...low is like 38 but usually it doesnt even get there

69: what are your favorite board games? clue, monopoly is alright too

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? not huge on tea but I like mint, or something fruity like berry or lemon or peach

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? with certain things

73: what are some of your worst habits? leaving drinks or bottles half finished out or like letting my room get messy

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. funny. sarcastic. sometimes an asshole. good time. gorgeous. fun.

75: tell us about your pets! They're two cats, sister, Lamb and Rue...they're 2 and 1/2 years old..and sweet and mischevious and fluffy and soft and cuteeee  and I love them more than anything

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? not really

77: pink or yellow lemonade? dont really like lemonade much but they dont make much a difference to me

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? fanclub :)

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? wrote a song for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white..nah I didnt choose

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. honestly my minds going black lol im tired

82: are/were you good in school? yes for the most part..had my moments but overall good

83: what's some of your favorite album art? so many I could name. coldplays is always really colorful and abstracty. and imagine dragons.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? already have two. want a lot more..too much to name and i dont even know still what all i want

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? nah

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? YAS. many. but first came to mind, Skillets Rise

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Silver Linings Playbook. Paper Towns. Shrek. All the disney movies. Avatar. Wizard of Oz. many more

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? all of them haha... pop art, impressionism, renaissance..just all of it all special in they're own way

89: are you close to your parents? eh idk i cant explain..neither close nor distant. like we live together and talk alot but not really the close relationship as some do..im very different from them

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Knoxville. the city I went to college in... interesting place with lots to do..best of both worlds. beautiful mountains and hills and views. but also the downtown areas are cool..lots of fun stuff

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? going to savannah ga for my bday. not sure where else yet but i'm sure there will be other places. i'd really like to go to phoenix..boston..new orleans..california..portland ugh so many places

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE AF

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just up in a bun which is boring but its too messy and long to put up with lol

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad

95: what are your plans for this weekend? nothing really so far. probably will go to lunch or something with my friend

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? myer briggs- INFJ (advocate) sign- aquarius house- ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? legitimately...like 3 years ago...hated it...too much walking and pain XD

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. ugh sooooooooooo many. pretty much any song by skillet or gwen stefani/no doubt recently..dusk till dawn by sia, new rules by dua lipa... also songs by ben howard..lots of indie stuff

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 into the future... i've already lived my past, and i've made a lot of progress...wanna jump to even more progress hopefully

[likexporcelain]

Anatomy of a Shadow (Chapter 1/9) - Jonerys

Summary: While isolating herself at her family's vacation home on the small Pacific Northwestern island of Dragonstone, Daenerys stumbles upon a crime scene which leads her to form an intense bond with a mysterious and possibly dangerous young man who won't speak to her, touch her, or even show her his face. Jon Snow is her shadow on the wall, but is he really protecting her from those who would do her harm, or is he simply leading harm right to her doorstep? Daenerys is the sun in his dark sky, but is she really worth protecting?

Rating: Explicit (for eventual and continual violence and some smut)

First chapter up on Ao3 -- see additional tags/notes/warnings there

DAENERYS

It is raining, which is a good thing. It's much more difficult to follow someone when it's raining, right? Let the water wash away any trace of me – my finger prints, shoe prints, the tire marks from my Jetta as I speed down the highway. No. The rain won't make a difference. I'll have to board the ferry to get to my family's old vacation home. That means buying a ticket, showing my I.D. and – fuck – I'll have to use my credit card because the only cash I have is a couple crumpled up five dollar bills stashed in my glove box. What am I doing? Running away is probably the stupidest thing I could do. Only guilty people run.

Still, I stand in line and buy the ticket to Dragonstone. It's my family's house after all. It would be only natural that after suffering such a traumatic event as finding my roommate with a knife dug into the center of her chest, lying between the beds in our dorm room that I would feel the need to get away, go someplace quiet to clear my head. That is what I'm really doing. I just need to get away from everyone and get these images out of my head. The detectives will soon figure out that I've left school and it will be easy for them to discover where I've gone. But that's okay, because I'm not trying to hide from them, because I did nothing wrong. Nothing they can prove, I hope.

The moon is up and the rain is still falling when I make it to the house. It's large by normal standards – three bedrooms, two bathrooms, an open main living area with floor to ceiling windows that overlook the sea – but my dad is rich and growing richer by the day, so this home was eventually stamped unworthy of a Targaryen vacation. It's been years since anyone has set foot in this house, as evident by all of the dust and the cold, musty smell I'm bombarded with as soon as I walk in. White linens cover expensive furniture and priceless artwork no one cares about anymore.

Thankfully, my dad has still been paying the bills for this place because the lights turn on when I hit the light switches and the water runs when I turn on the bathtub facet in the master bathroom. I make up the king sized bed while the tub fills with scalding water. The basin is large enough to fit three of me, so I have plenty of time to kill. I find candles and a box of matches under the bathroom sink and arranged them around the tub, light them, then turn out the sconce lighting. I prefer darkness. The tub has jets, but I have no use for them. I prefer quiet too.

When the water is high, I turn off the facet and step in. Just standing in the center of the tub, the water reaches my knees, so hot that I think my skin will bubble, but I revel in the pain. I want more. Slowly, I lower myself with closed eyes, teeth digging into my bottom lip so hard I can taste blood.

Blood.

Blood on the floor, spilling from the chest of my roommate, pooling at either side of her, expanding like round red wings ready to fly her up to heaven, or maybe hell. I hadn't known her very well. Maybe she was bad. As bad as me. No. There is no one as bad, as sick, as me.

Blood under my feet, on my knees where I knelt beside her, checking her pulse. When I had raised my hand to my mouth, I could taste it, colder than I'd expected, sweeter.

Blood around me, covering me, filling me. I open my eyes and I see all the red. I'm bathing in my roommates blood. Missandei. That was her name, but then again, I didn't really care about her. She hadn't mattered. All that mattered was the blood.

I submerge myself up to my neck, letting the heat consume me. My hand is between my legs, rubbing the tender, burning flesh, but there's no use. It's not the same. No matter how vivid the memories are, no reverie could recreate the way I felt that night with that taste in my mouth and the sight of the red pools growing in size.

For a half hour, I try, but just can't cum. I can't even get close. It's been too long. Just three days and I'm already suffering withdrawals. I thought the first time was supposed to linger. I thought I could live off of her death for years.

When the water turns cold, I pull the plug on the drain and sob until I am left lying in the middle of the tub, hugging my knees to my chest, wondering how many days I will have to myself before everyone realizes what sort of a girl I really am. Daenerys Targaryen. Beautiful, smart, rich. Possessed, deranged, dangerous.

Evil.

* * * * *

I wake up early the next morning. I'm not usually a morning person, but sleep was hard to come by when I was so convinced that at any moment one of the detectives I'd met the night of Missandei's unfortunate murder would knock on my door and ask me why I had left school, left Seattle, without notifying them. They would be suspicious, and I would eventually crack under their questioning.

But no one knocked.

The sun is rising over the trees, casting a shine over the calm ocean water that I watch from the back deck. There are some old Swiss Miss packets in one of the kitchen cupboards and I make myself a mug, but that is about the extent of the food supply here. I will have to go to the grocery store. Use my credit card again, but I suppose that at this point, it hardly matters. My fate is sealed. All I can do now is live a peaceful life for however many days, or hours, I have left.

I change into one of the few outfits I brought with me – just essentials, stuffed into a small gym bag – and tie my long, Targaryen-silver hair up in a messy pony tail. I don't bother with makeup, because impressing people isn't part of my life anymore. I am different now. No longer an over-achieving college junior. No longer the sweet daughter of one of the state's richest businessmen. My entire life is this empty house now, on this scantily populated island.

There isn't a cloud in the sky as I walk to the market, about a two mile hike, and the air smells fresh from last night's storm. So fresh I wonder for a moment if the rain had worked on me as it had on the air. Am I clean now too? Have all my sins washed away into the sea? Is that why I am walking into town right now and not riding in the back of a police car?

The closest neighbor to my family's house is half a mile down the road. Unless they've moved, it belongs to a retired couple. A retired man and his wife, I should say. She'd never worked a day in her life. He was a finance man. Hedge funds, or investment banking. Maybe both. Is there even a difference? Who knows. Either way, he's a boring old man who has too much money and never smiles despite having everything anyone could ever want. That's probably why he and my father always got along.

Sure enough, as I pass their impressive abode, Mrs. Baratheon is in the front garden. Her eyes widen when they fall to me and I raise my hand in a wave. I am always recognizable from a distance, due to the odd coloring of my hair. Or, I guess I should say, the odd absence of color. Even whiter than my alabaster skin. I stop walking so that she can approach me, smiling wide.

“My, my. Little Daenerys Targaryen? I haven't seen you since you were. . . How old were you? Fifteen?”

I smile sweetly. It's easy to lie to people who don't suspect anything of me. In a way, I'd been doing that my whole life. Any time I would drift into a gruesome daydream and someone asked “What are you thinking about?” I would smile sweetly and lie.

“You're looking well, Mrs. Baratheon,” I tell her, even though she really doesn't. Her hair is stringy and her face is wrinkled. Her gardening clothes are noticeably expensive, though, so there's that.

She brushes away my complement, not buying it, but blushes nonetheless. “Is your father and brother here? Gosh, I haven't seen them in ages either.”

“They don't come here much anymore. Viserys is down in California working on some silly nonsense project with his Silicon Valley friends. We don't exactly keep in touch. Dad's simply grown tired of the fog. He's more of a Hawaii man now. It's good to be back here. This was always my favorite place growing up.”

“Mine too! Well, that's why I insisted on moving here full-time. It does mean that Stannis is away from me quite often, but I manage. He's been working again, though only part-time. It's hard for men like him to sit still.”

“My father is the same way. His job is like a third child – his favorite child.”

Mrs. Baratheon claps her hands in front of her. “Where are my manners? Would you like to come in for some coffee? A bagel? Stannis isn't home. He's out of town until tomorrow, so you won't have to sit through any of his boring economics lectures.”

I take a breath, staring down the road while thinking the proposal over. Today more than any other day should be treated as a stop-and-smell-the-roses day, so I accept. “A bagel sounds lovely, but I'll only stay for a bit. I'm actually on my way to the market now, but it's so far and I'm famished.”

“Better fuel up then!” She exclaims, placing her hand on my shoulder and leading me up the path to her home, so lavish it makes mine feel modest. Marble floors cover every square foot of the main living area and a grand stone fireplace stretches up twenty feet to the ceiling. A staircase with a hand-carved banister curves around a crystal chandelier, leading up to a second floor overhang. A five foot tall portrait bordered by a gold frame hangs on the wall opposite the fireplace. Mr. and Mrs. Baratheon posing with their daughter, Shireen, dressed like they are characters in a Dickens novel and standing in what looks to be a drab library.

While Mrs. Baratheon brings a tray of bagels and coffee into the living room, I ask “How is your daughter? She must be a teenager by now.”

“Oh.” Her nose scrunches as she shakes her head. “Yes, yes. She's well. We have her in a boarder academy in the Northeast. She says she hates it there, but she's always been a complainer. It's good for her. I'm hoping that some time spent around other girls will do her some good. Better than hanging around here all the time, getting under toe, that's for sure.”

Nodding once, I find myself feeling odd about the response. There was no warmth in the woman's voice. I'd liked to imagine that if I'd ever have a daughter, I would speak of her warmly. I've never experienced real love or even simple affection for another human, but a child is different. I think I could love a child. But, that doesn't matter anymore either, because I will never have one of those, unless those news articles about how male prison guards treat female inmates is accurate.

I don't partake in any coffee, but I pick up one half of a toasted sesame seed bagel and smear it with Strawberry jam from a crystal bowl. Mrs. Baratheon takes a seat on the couch, but I remain standing, my eyes catching the shine of something interesting perched on the reclaimed wood mantel above the hearth.

Resting on a stand made of iron, is a knife – a dagger? – with a gold handle, intricately carved in a flourishing design. The blade is curved and at least a foot in length, clean and sharp. I gravitate toward it, my hand raising, fingers erecting to brush the smooth steel. It's beautiful, not just in appearance, but in utility, in how much damage it could do with just one swift thrust, one quick slice.

“Valyrian steel,” Mrs. Baratheon's voice rings from behind me, dripping with indifference like the daggers presence bores her. I feel offended and briefly wonder if she'd let me have it if I asked. Then again, one swift thrust, one quick slice, and I could simply take it. “Stannis brought it home with him a year ago. Some antique ceremonial weapon from one of those Eastern barbarian cultures. Personally, I think it's gaudy and dangerous, but my husband loves the thing, and I'm sure it cost him a pretty penny. I figure I'll sell it once the cigars catch up with him.”

Fingertips sliding down the flat steel surface to the golden handle, I wish to pick it up, just to see how heavy it is. It has to be heavier than the hunting knife I'd thieved from a bedroom in the frat house I'd attended a party at a week before my roommate was murdered. I'd been drawn to it the same way I am drawn to this Valyrian steel dagger, but to compare the two would be like comparing my Jetta to my father's new Maserati.

“Daenerys?”

My eyes close and behind my eyelids, I see red.

“Daenerys?”

Mrs. Baratheon's hand lands on my shoulder and my eyes snap open as I jump, pulling my hand away from the dagger.

“I'm sorry,” I say quickly.

With a smile, she says “No need to apologize. That thing is spooky as heck. Gives me a good fright nearly every day.”

While I finish my bagel, I sit with my back to the dagger and try to focus on Mrs. Baratheon's words rather than the pulsing of her jugular vein, prominent due to her lithe frame, and as soon as I've had my fill, I thank her for her hospitality and leave, but not before agreeing to come over for dinner tomorrow night. “Stannis would love to catch up with you,” Mrs. Baratheon had insisted. I don't want to come over, but I hadn't prepared an excuse to get out of it, and I figure there is a decent chance I'll already be in handcuffs by dinner time tomorrow anyway.

At the market, I optimistically purchase a weeks worth of pre-made salads, stove-top dinners and ingredients for sandwiches, quesadillas and spaghetti, along with a carton of eggs. As the cashier checks me out and bags my groceries – I'd sprung for a couple of one-dollar reusable bags because, fuck it – I turn my eyes up to the TV mounted to the wall. Seattle news. A murder, according to the headline and my heart races for a moment thinking they are talking about Missandei's murder. I half expect my photo to pop up with “Wanted for Questioning” captioned below. However, as I read the subtitles, I learn they are speaking of a different murder, a more important murder, because the man who has died was a politician. One of those conspiracy theorist-types who didn't have a shot at winning, but whose campaign was really just a way to bolster a certain subset of humans who thought they deserved more rights than anyone else simply for being white and stupid.

“The sketch seen on your screen now is that of a man police suspect is connected to the crime. He was seen by a neighbor leaving the home of the victim the night of the murder. If you have any information as to the identity or whereabouts of this man, please contact the Seattle police department immediately.”

I squint my eyes at the sketch, wondering if he is someone I know, but even if I did know him, it's not as if I'm going to contact the police about it. I am trying to avoid a murder investigation, not insert myself into a new one. But, I do not recognize the man at all. His hair is cut short to the scalp without any style, his face is covered in stubble not long enough to be considered an actual beard, his lips are thin and his cheeks look dirty, though that is probably just sloppy shading on the sketch artist's part.

“This incident follows just one day after the suspicious slaying of a nineteen year old King's Landing University student. So far, police say they have found no connection between these two murders, but have yet to rule this out as a possibility.”

“Miss?” asked the young, pimply cashier. “That'll be forty-seven fifty.”

I turned away from the TV, offer her a smile and my credit card.

Another murder. And one that is much higher in profile to mine – I mean, to my roommate's. This could only be good news, right? Scum bag or not, the assassination of a political figure will always take precedent over the stabbing of a marginally popular coed, right?

When my card is returned to me, I take my bags with another smile, but this time it is genuine. Maybe I'll have more time left than I'd thought.

* * * * *

JON

It's cold in this room. Damp. There's a leak somewhere. I hear it drip at night, but I have yet to find it's source. I don't like it here in the North where it's cold and wet and drippy. I feel like it's been years since I've felt the sun on my face. Maybe it has been years. The room is cold and so am I, even in my corduroy pants, sweater, gloves and my mask. Everything black.

“Are you a fucking moron?! Like, an actual fucking moron?!” shouts Theon Greyjoy. He's loud. Always loud. I don't like him because he's loud. It makes it difficult to hear other things, more important things, like if someone is walking up behind me or if a gun is being drawn from a holster. He's yelling at the kid because of something he saw on the news, but I've learned that most of what Theon says isn't worth listening to so I focus on listening through him, to the sound of the kid rubbing his hands anxiously across his jeans.

“I'm sorry! I forgot to put my mask on before going back outside, but it was three in the morning! How was I supposed to know some fat old man would be walking his dog at three in the morning!” the kid replies.

Gendry isn't really a kid. He's around the same age as the rest of us, but he's younger in spirit I guess. It isn't an insult that I think of him as a kid. I wish I could be a kid again. Change something. Go down a different path. One different than my brother's. It's too late now, though. I am who I am now. Only twenty-one but already an old dog unable to learn any new tricks, like being a normal person who goes outside during the day instead of sitting in a cold, damp, drippy basement until the sun is gone.

The sun. What does she look like again?

“You're not! You're supposed to know never to take your fucking mask off!” Theon retorts, clenching his fists in the fabric of Gendry's t-shirt. “Even if that mother fucker hadn't fucking seen you – There's probably fucking hair and skin and your fucking boogers all over that son of a bitch's house now! You're in the fucking system! I swear to God, if they get your finger prints I'm going to fucking --”

“I didn't take off my gloves, man!” The kid's hands are up like he's about to be arrested. “And my mask was only off for a minute! They're not going to find anything!”

Theon releases the kid from his grip, plants one hand on his hip while thrusting his other in my direction, pointing at me. “This fucking psycho doesn't even take his fucking mask off to take a fucking shower and you can't keep yours on long enough to get out of the fucking house of the dude we just fucking killed?!”

Still listening through Theon, I hear the sound of a gun sliding against the leather of a belt. It's coming from behind me. Then footsteps, quick and heavy. In a second, the gun is digging into Theon's temple with Ramsay on the trigger side.

“I think you owe my brother an apology,” he sneers. I can't see his face, but I know that one corner of his mouth is lifted in a smirk. He wants to shoot Theon. He's wanted to for a long time. He would shoot everyone he meets if he could get away with it. Maybe even me.

Eyes wide with fear, Theon takes a hard swallow and says “Put the gun away. I was just pissed, alright? Let's not over react.”

“That didn't sound like an apology.” Ramsay turns his head to me and I was right, he's smirking. “That didn't sound like an apology, did it, Jon?”

I don't respond. No words, no shake or nod of my head. It wouldn't matter anyway. Ramsay does what he wants and I don't try to stop him. That's how it's always been. I wonder if he's actually going to pull the trigger this time. It would be a shame, not because I don't want to see Theon die, but because I've always hated guns. Quick, loud, and uncaring. That's Ramsay, though.

Before I can wonder too long, the scene is interrupted by our leader – our boss, I suppose. A boss who pays us not just in money, but also in warm bodies to kill.

“Put it away,” Roose demands in his dry, bored voice. “We have one more project and then we'll be out of the state. Gendry made a serious error, but it doesn't change our game plan.”

Ramsay complies, sliding the gun back behind him, into the waistband of his pants. He always listens to Roose Bolton. I think he sees the balding, middle-aged man with almost as little personality as me as a father figure. Maybe I should feel happy about that, because Ramsay never had a real father, but I don't feel happy about it because I don't know if I can feel happy about anything anymore.

Sitting in this cold, damp, drippy room of this cold, damp, drippy basement, we go over the mission again. Though he acts like what the kid did is no big deal, Roose doesn't trust him anymore, which makes him not trust any of us anymore, so after we go over the mission, we go over it again, and again. The target is some money man – I don't bother learning names anymore – who helps to launder money for foreign dictators or some such thing. Roose always makes sure to tell us all the reasons why a person is better off dead, but it never really matters. He could tell us the target is a teenage beauty queen with Ivy League ambitions and a spotless record and we would still show up at her house and take care of business.

Any murderer who claims to have a code, is a liar. I surely don't have a code, unless hating guns constitutes a code, but then again, I'm not a murderer. Not in the literal sense of the term anyway. I've never killed anyone. Not one person. Ever. I wouldn't be able to, and sometimes I feel weak because of it. Even the kid can kill, but I can't. I watch. I watch and then, when the job is done, I clean. That's why Roose isn't worried about Gendry's fingerprints or hair being found. It's because I cleaned. It's my job. It's what I'm good at. I listen, I watch, I clean. And I never take off the mask.

Well. . . not never. Theon was wrong. I do take it off to shower, because showers are a safe place when the bathroom door is locked. There's a bathroom in this basement we've been calling home for the past week. It's small and there is mold growing in the corner behind the sink that I still haven't fully eradicated. I wait until everyone else is asleep and then I go in, lock the door, and turn the water in the shower stall on. Until the shower heats up, the bathroom is even colder than the rest of the basement and as I disrobe, my skin tightens and stings and twitches in it's yearning for shelter.

There is a mirror above the sink, rusted on the edges and speckled with toothpaste and whatever else. I look at myself when my clothes are off and in a pile on the floor. I stare at my chest and stomach. My muscles are made more prominent by the fact that I haven't eaten in a day. Food is hard to come by while we are on missions because the need to lay low is even greater. Across my chest and my stomach are long, jagged, discolored scars. Every night I look at them and think back to the day I acquired them. On my knees in a filthy alleyway.

The mask is always last to come off. I have to prepare myself every time. The pain I feel without it's warm cloth covering my head and neck and face is real. I've grown so accustomed to always having my breathing partially compromised by the fabric over my mouth that I can no longer inhale normally without it. I take short, shallow breaths through my teeth. My eyes have grown so used to seeing through the fabric as well that light burns my eyes now without it. I have to unscrew two of the three bulbs mounted in an industrial light fixture above the mirror just to stand it.

When the mask is off, I look at my face, but never for too long. I'm pale, a ghost of a man, and there are scars there too, making me look older than I am, making me look ugly. I've grown a short beard, thinking it would detract from the scars, but I am still hideous. My dark hair is long too, and greasy from always being cocooned.

Steam envelops me now and my image blurs in the fog, relieving me of my own haunting reflection.

[mirroring-mirrors]

Heathers (1989) Sentence Starters!

Dear Diary...

Real life sucks losers dry.

If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.

You're beautiful!

What is your damage?

Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?

Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

Think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.

I was looking around the other day and I dug up.. these old photographs.

I was talking to somebody.

Check this out. You win five million dollars from the Publisher's Sweepstakes, and the same day that what’s-his-face gives you the check, aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. What do you do?

Why can't we talk to different kinds of people?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

Do I look like Mother Theresa?

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?

What are you gonna do with the money?

I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face and have her ride like the Kentucky derby..

That's gotta be the most spooky-assed question I ever heard.

You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

You used to have a sense of humour.

You know, maybe you should see a doctor.

God, _____, drool much?

Greetings and salutations. 

There are no stupid questions.

That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Let's kick his ass!

We're too old for that kinda crap.

You gonna eat this?

What'd you say, dickhead?

Can you bleach out urine stains?

I thought you had given up on high school guys.

Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast? 

So, tonight's the night. Are you excited?

You blow it tonight, and it's "keggers with kids" all next year.

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?

Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.

Are you gonna pull a super-chug with that?

If you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie.

I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

Yeah well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

Did you say a cherry or coke slushie?

Is your life perfect?

I don't really like my friends.

Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

I want to kill, and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons

So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

How's my little cheerleader, huh? 

Come on, now look, I don't feel so good, okay?

Hey, let's do it on the coats, it'll be excellent, huh?

You know, I have a little prepared speech for my suitor when he wants more than I'm prepared to give him.

Save the speeches for Malcolm X. 

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

I sound like a fucking psycho!

You stupid fuck!

You goddamn bitch!

You were nothing before you met me.

Lick it up, baby. Lick.. it.. up..!

Monday morning, you're history.

I'll tell everyone about tonight. 

Dreadful etiquette, I apologise.

I saw the croquet set-up in the back. You up for a match?

Thank you, that was my first game of strip croquet.  

I use my grand IQ to decide what colour gloss to wear, and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

I say we just grow up, be adults and die. 

I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.

Don't be a dick. 

I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

How the hell didcha get in here?

What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it or something?

I'm not gonna drink that piss.

Grow up!

You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken? 

Just give me the cup, jerk. 

I just killed my best friend.

What're we gonna tell the cops?

I can't believe this is my life.

I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

At least you got whatcha wanted, y'know?

It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

We did a murder, and that's a crime

You might think what I've done is shocking -

People think that just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and  fun.

I die knowing no-one knew the real me.

Have you done this before?

Keep things business as usual.

We must revel in this revealing moment. 

You call me when the shuttle lands.

Where's your urge to purge?

Sorry to hear about your friend. 

Let's talk emotions.

Are we going to be tested on this?

How many networks did you run to?

What're you talking about? You hated her, she hated you.

Gosh, pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

Goddamn will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?

I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.

Jesus, God in Heaven, why didcha kill such hot snatch? 

Jeez, people are so serious.

Hi, I'm sorry. 

I just want my high school to be a nice place. 

Did that sound bitchy?

So, we on tonight, man, or what?

That pudwacker just stepped on my foot.

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

Sorry, I'm feeling a little superior tonight.  

Seven schools in seven states, and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Our love is God.

Let's go get a slushie.

The funeral yesterday must really have been rough, eh?

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

I left them drunk and flailing in cow shit.

No, don't shut up, I'd like to know exactly what I did.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either, I just guess my emotions took over...

I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen?

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once. 

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Do you take German?

Tell me the similarity is not incredible.

The joy we shared in each others arms was greater than any touch down, yet we were forced to live the lives of sexist, beer guzzling jock assholes.

I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

So, should I just whip it out, or...?

I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport?

Did you miss him completely?

Hey, I heard something out there, I'm checking it out.

Does this answer your question?

You believed it, because you wanted to believe it.  

Your true feelings were to gross and icky for you to face.

I did not want them dead!

My teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Are we going to prom or to hell?

I've seen a lot of bullshit. 

Is this as good for you as it is for me?

I need a copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

It was chaos, fucking chaos.

Chaos is great!  

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

We scare people into not being assholes!

God, you can be so immature!

Hey, they're playing our song!

That's it! We're breaking up!

You can't bring them back, you must know that.

I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool!

Blow up a couple of toasters or something.

Kind of scary though that everybody has got a little story to tell. 

What is this? Blackmail?

I'll ask you to do me a favour, it'll be one you'll enjoy.

Don't you start getting cocky on me now.

Do you know I'm still a virgin?

Nice guys finish last. I should know.

Are you telling me this is not a time for troubled youth?

I don't patronise bunny rabbits!

I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

You were out of control!

Hey babe, I need a name.

God has cursed me, I think.

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

That's about the least private thing I can think of.

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

If you're happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

What do you say we knock off early and buy some shoes or something lame like that?

People love me!

People love you, but I know you. 

Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.

Don't talk to me like that, OK?

Jealous much?

Why are you such a mega bitch?

Want to go out tonight? Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf?

I knew you'd be back... I knew it.

You were wrong, and I was right!                

You've been depressed lately. 

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho! 

Do you think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel?

You're not a rebel, you're a fucking psychotic!

What do you think I'm gonna do with it? Take out their tonsils?

I've got a meaningful marked-up Moby Dick, what else does a suicide need? 

Is this turning out weak, or what?

My afterlife is so boring.

If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

I loved you! Sure, I was coming up here to kill you...

Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. 

Talk about your suicide pacts, eh?

What do they want, a written invitation?

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Put your hands on your head.

Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it?

I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God!

How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?

You want a clean slate as much as I do. 

The only place where different social types genuinely can get along with each other is in heaven.

Do you know what I'd love, babe? Cool guys like you out of my life.

You've got power... Power I didn't think you had.

Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

You look like hell!

My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me...

I was wondering, if you aren't doing anything, maybe we could rent some new releases? Pop some popcorn?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #81

“maybe i’m a misfit, maybe i’m different, it will never be an average existence.”

how does alcohol affect you?   i flush, i get talkative, and very silly. have you ever inhaled helium?   no. what is your favorite kind of pasta?   spaghetti with lots of sauce and meatballs. ;3; what are you hungry for right now, if anything?   food? do you ever get eczema?   rarely. are you a fidgety sort of person?   yep have you ever mowed a lawn?   no. do you enjoy corn on the cob?   yum! in your opinion, what’s the ideal age to start having children?   mid 20s.  your body is prepared and at a pretty fertile point, and usually, you're at a mature enough mentality by this age. are you a seafood person?   noooo. have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours?   no. have you ever worked two jobs at once?   hell no.  i'd never manage. who does most of the housework around your house?   my mom, bless her. how many glasses of water do you drink a day?   none. what brand is your desktop or laptop?   sager have you ever lived on a university campus?   nope. have you ever shaved your face?   no. do you get motion sickness?   i do not. are there any mountains nearby where you live?   no. does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane?   YEP.  YEAH.  YES.  INDEED.  I'M IMPATIENT /AS FUCK/ do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things?   no. do you like jalapenos?   MMMMMMMMMM OBBY your name?   brittany would you like to visit venice?   ABSOLUTELY! did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid?   no? o-o are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live?   nope. have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign?   no, i have respect. do you like kiwis?   yaaaaas!! have you ever experienced an earthquake?   nope. has anyone ever tried stealing your boyfriend/girlfriend away?   yep.  little bitch failed. (: do you like your phone?   not particularly. would you rather drink orange juice or milk?   milk have you ever slept in the same bed of the opposite sex?   yes. do you like condoms?   never used one ever been to a bar?   no. how old were you when you lost your virginity?   i'm 21 and still haven't what is something you DON’T like about the person you like?   he doesn't support/believe in me. do you look good in red lipstick?   i think so. are you good at editing pictures?   i think so.  kinda have to be when you're a photographer. where did you last go swimming?   colleen's, i think. are you one of those people that post EVERYTHING you are doing on facebook?   no.  i barely post ANYTHING unique to me on facebook.  i usually just share things i find really funny or very important/influential. are you any good at public speaking?   NO NO NO 1,000 TIMES NO who did you last see in concert?   alice cooper how many days a week would you say you take a nap?   idk nowadays since we're in the middle of moving.  things are hectic. what is the first thing you do when you get on the computer?   i open up facebook. what do you mainly watch on youtube?   good mythical morning or let's plays, usually by markiplier. do you sing in the shower?   veeery rarely.  i don't sing much. what do people most pick on you about?   i'm rather dependent on the internet and i don't socialize a lot. if you were a professional sports player, what sport would it be?   dance would you rather go to the mountains or the beach?   mountains! if you could live anywhere, where would it be?   utah, probably. is napoleon dynamite actually a good movie?   i honestly like it.  it's awkwardly funny. how many pair of flip flops do you own?   two, i think. ever been to rehab/jail?   no sir. highest level of school completed?   some college where do you keep your birth certificate?   in a locked safe. could you handle being in the military?   NOOOOOOOOOOOPE have you ever had a bad concert experience?   nope! when was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? do people often tell you this?   tyler yesterday, and no. can you handle blood?   yeah, blood's fine. what is your opinion on canada?   pretty place. what movie can you watch over and over and never get bored?   oh my goooosh, "white chicks" when eating something are you more concerned with taste or nutrition?   taste. do you tend to act paranoid around people you don’t know?   YEP have a good singing voice, or would you rather not sing?   naaah, my voice isn't that steady. do you want to go to pregnancy classes?   you mean, whenever i am pregnant?  no.  one, i don't particularly want to deal with an estrogen ocean, and two, my mother knows like.  everything about this stuff.  might as well just ask her. do you ever cringe at the thought of living in a disgusting house?   YEAH.  I AM HONESTLY HORRIFIED OF EVER GETTING TO THE POINT OF NOT CARING FOR MY HOUSE OH MY GOD. what do you doodle on your papers?   usually meerkats. have you ever cut someone else’s hair?   no do you have a wild imagination?   i honestly think so. do you own a wok?   no. do you like going to weddings?   no.  i get triggered. what type of ice cream is your favorite?   vanilla how many long term relationships have you been in?   one. what job do you think deserves to be paid higher?   TEACHERS what do you think about abortion?   it's fucking modern day child sacrifice.  you're killing children to satisfy the desires of another person.  that.  is.  murder. have you read shiloh?   yesss, i loved those books and the movies!!! do you go to church every sunday?   no. have you ever fell for a player, even though you KNEW he was a player?   nope. do you know any guys with their nipples pierced?   no. favorite beatles song?   not a big fan, but "hey, jude" have you ever seen a tornado?   no, thank god. what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about?   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- do you like peanut butter?   yeah!! own a lava lamp?   no, i wish. ever faked an orgasm?   nope. what scars on your body do you have?   two on my chin from passing out onto it, and one long one on my left shin from scratching the shit out of it. ever did something sexual in public?   only a very simple kiss, never even making out. do you like the taste of squid or eel?   never tried it, NEVER will. ever date anybody in middle school?   psh, for like a month, i barely woulda even called it "dating." did you like to get dirty when you were little?   to a degree. own anything that has to do with dragons or unicorns?   dragons, yeah. believe in mermaids/mermen?   no.  watched an interesting documentary about them once, though.  thought it was quite interesting.  supposedly, even if they did exist, they'd have to live in the deep ocean and be morbidly obese to survive. how many times have you snuck out of the house?   never. ever wanted to be a vet?   once upon a time. ever centered your life around a person?   yeah, and it ruined me. are you doing anything else on the computer while you do this?   i'm listening to good mythical morning.  oh my gosh guys, i'm a month behind from the hospital visit, living with colleen, etc... i've missed my boys so much. :') ever written your number in a public bathroom or a school text book? if so, did anyone actually call you?   nope. how many of your friends are from california?   i don't think i have any, even online. do you go tanning?   nope. ever been horseback riding?   no. :c ever done oral? with how many people?   yeah, with one person. did you know you can get stds from doing that?   as an adult i know that, but honestly, never knew that back in the family life/sex ed days.  cooper's sex ed was HORRIBLE.  we barely learned anything other than vast information about hiv/aids. if you’re a girl, do you wear sports bras or padded bras?   neither sports or padded.  they're just... normal? how many brothers does your father have?   none what’s the nicest meal you’ve ever eaten?   oh my god, this steak at miss randi's wedding.  it was HEAVENLY. have you ever slept on the floor with someone you like?   on a palette, yes. which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, or cereal?   french toast do you prefer light or dark haired?   dark do you want to cut your hair?   it needs a trimming is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single?   no.  if you're not even dating, you don't need to be that serious. do you only wish the best for your ex?   ... in certain ways. do you think that once people get married, they eventually fall “out of love”?   no, that's fucking stupid. if you found out you were pregnant who would you tell first?   my mom, probably. what are your chances of getting with your crush?   he's more than a crush, but literally none. name a band you’d like to see live?   oh my GOSH, metallica. who’s your best friend/s?   don't think i really have one anymore. how many times have you been on a plane?   twice.  one occasion i don't remember; i was too young. what’s your opinion of root beer?   yucky. ;~; is there anyone you would take a bullet for?   jason and my mom. which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most?   sloth who’s your celebrity crush?   link neal oh god right now, what’s your dream career?   professional wildlife photographer did you have a furby when you were younger?   i did what part of your body are you self-conscious about?   my stomach would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?   carve pumpkins favorite kind of candy?   hm.  sour punch straws, maybe. have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders?   yes: chronic depression, chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and bipolarity ii.  HOWEVER, i think i have more than just bipolarity; i am 100% convinced i have borderline personality disorder. which branch of science do you find the most interesting?   biology, probably.  genetics. if you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it?   nope. were you a planned baby?   i think so. were your parents married when you were born?   yes. which parent do you get along with best?   mom, i guess. do you have step-parents?   my dad's remarried, but i don't call her "mom" or anything. are you scared of growing up old alone?   it's my #1 fear.  i am horrified of it. do you like walking in the rain?   NO.  i HATE being wet with clothes on. what is your favorite dessert?   donuts or vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup has anyone ever been in love with you?   i... like to think jason was. are you afraid of falling in love?   i'm afraid of doing it again, yes.  the first time just about killed me, so w/e. do you judge other people by the bands they like?   no, that's ridiculous. have you been to an emergency room in the past three months?   yes. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind do you want an ex back?   yes. when people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?   yeah. have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?   it was pierced for years, but then the fucking hole closed when i had to take it out due to hospitalization. e_e can you trust most people?   nope. has anyone hurt or betrayed you recently?   yup. do you expect to be married in the next two years?   definitely not. is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?   if i knew it would go unpunished, honestly, yeah. name the person that has honestly hurt you the most in life?  jason. how many times have you checked up on your ex?   more times than i care to admit.  i can't anymore, though.  he has me blocked on facebook and i don't have his phone number or anything. your bf/gf wants to buy you a present… what should they buy?   if i actually had a boyfriend, something with meerkats. ever known anyone who could “see right through” you?   jason was the only one.  he was so special. would it scare you to know someone could read your mind?   YUP have you ever broken a couple up?   i honestly feel like i was partially responsible.  i've told ya'll about the situation with this kid joel when i was like 12, and he broke up with my best friend of the time because he wanted me. ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?   no. what do you think of friends with benefits?   it's foolish do you like mushrooms?   no no no no are you allergic to cats?   debatable.  idk. do you put clothes on your animals?   no. do you like cheese?   only american what’s your favorite television show?   "fullmetal alchemist" have you ever babysat?   once is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for?   if your feelings were/are genuine, hell no. what’s your second favorite color?   pink have you ever been involved in an affair?   no. do you refuse to use public toilets?   99% of the time, yes. where is your favorite place to get fries?   bojangle's!!! what is your favorite gaming console?   ps2 have you ever been to a baby shower?   more than once. are you currently in a relationship? if so, do you think it will last?   as of yesterday actually, yes.  do i think it'll last, i don't know. how many romantic relationships have you been in so far?   only one.  who knows if the one i'm in now will get there. have you ever been camping in the wilderness?   no, just in my front yard lol. do you have gluten intolerance or anyone who does?   my former best friend supposedly does. have you ever cried while watching a movie?   yeah. have you ever had a migraine?   yep. do you have a gym membership?   no. have you ever fainted?   yes. would you consider yourself very flexible?   not very anymore, nah. do you embarrass easily?   VERY VERY VERY OH MY GOD SO MUCH have you ever been banned from anywhere?   i don't think so. are any of your siblings married?   only my older, immediate sister.  my half-sister tiffany that i have nothing to do with, idk if she is. who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house?   chelsea do you have a hard time making decisions?   i am the literal Worst. who was your date to senior prom?   jason. does your dad smoke?   yes. is your mom over 50?   yes. do you want to get married?   yeah. have kids?   i... don't know if i want any anymore. do you have any plans to get a new tattoo or piercing?   i do. does anyone call you babe?   tyler does.  i'm not comfortable enough with him yet to say i don't like it, though. do you have a debit card?   no. why did you stop working at the last place you were employed?   my anxiety was too bad.  to the point i was vomiting every day when there. do you believe in saving sex for marriage?   i guess so.  i'm doing it now in my new relationship.  if jason had to wait and never got it, then so does he. do you think the drinking age in the usa should be lowered to 18?   no. do you believe most people are good people deep down?   most, yes. who do you look more like, your dad or your mom?   i've heard both. what is the nearest big city to you?   raleigh do your parents have facebook accounts?   mom does. does/did either of your parents serve in the military?   no do you like sour candy?   more like love.

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

MAYA I TRUSTED YOU

WHAT WOULD WILL POWERS SAY

ok he'd probably be like ‘hehe; guess I'm falling further into obscurity thats cool i was never amazing in the first place’

-

“theres only one!”

...that is rare

-

“i traded my watch to my kooraheenese friend! it plays the steel samurai theme when it goes off!”

I SMELL A CHEKOVS GUN

-

“it sounds just like the steel samurai theme”

“no it doesn't!”

mayas right, it doesn't sound like the steel samurai's theme. 

it sounds BAD.

seriously i feel like my soul is physically rejecting it 

-

put your arms akimbo at me again young lady and ill push you into your magic soul pool.

-

“that whole séance thing makes trials completely different”

meh

speaking of trials, we’re back to trials! ya–– i dont want to deal with nahyuta

-

“you have to pitch your terrible crossover!! i won't let you down”

as much as i disapprove of the crossover let it be known that phoenix is a sweetie pie.

-

“The sacred murder dagger was used to murder someone?!?!??! BLASPHEMY!!!”

-

“The lowest level of hell; the Hell of Tickling” IM KINKSHAMING KOOORAHEENISM

-

“They shall not escape on their /redtext/ Freedom Express today!”

she did it yaaaaayy!

-

U R DIARHOEA!!! KOORAHEEN!!!

well i

i cant argue....

-

oh god no t voice acting again

-

LOL YOU CAN SKIP IT AHAHHAHHA

AND THE DANCE TOO HJDSJSFAKJ

guess its not *that* important eh

-

the entire court just called phoenix a shithead. 

i mean people say “Polkhunka” when theyre surprised, and the term is “polkhunan”. so yeah. either hellion, or shithead. nice.

-

phoenix: this makes no sense 

me: ooh i cant wait for the bullshit excuse!! 

-

Well ill be damned to tickle-hell. Rayfa’s a television aerial. 

-

oh i see how they did that. i guess spirit visions have steady-cam?

-

.........he ran right into it

dude why 

-

i just love this. “yes he ran directly at the killer, to fight them! with his arms flailing in terror!! it might look stupid and fake but actually it’s kooraheen’s biggest martial art, RonDeliteFu!”

-

every time Rayfa does her hand-flinging-out pose i mistake her sash for a stick and i keep thinking she’s a muppet 

-

“we can’t let the special fires go out, so we make sure to remove the glass around them every year on top of a window mountain so that a woman can um...... walk around it i guess.”

-

i hate to admit it but these stupid pond vision things are really stumping my blind ass

-

i stg pohlkunka is the stupidest sounding made-up expletive ive ever heard

id rather heard cowabunga every time something shocking happens for godssakes

-

“wow he really does care about ema”

hey show dont tell lol

“i cant believe he's come to understand their value”

uhhh well

they stated that they still hold investigations despite their magic pool parties, so uhhhhhhh yeah???? forensic investigators are usually pretty helpful??

-

since Sadmad’s catchphrase appears to be ‘putrid’, i keep reading ‘purification rite’ as ‘putrification rite’

-

i cant believe they did a “what if... (EXTREME CLOSE UP ZOOM) PLOT TWIST?!”

-

STOP SAYING PUTRID

-

oh hey its dirty hobo man! ...also i guess the ‘sexy pan up shot’ is for every new character :/

-

hobo rangers go...

-

...Nahyuta named him A’nohn Ihmus. A’nohn Ihmus.

Well that just cements my idea that Kooraheenians are just a bunch of Americans that stole a landmass and made up a phony baloney culture. 

It has been confirmed that they are legitimately just taking english words and ‘kooraheenifying’ them.

-

“i used my binoculars to spy on the rite at the inner sanctum”

A’nohn is just as perverted as his namesake from Tuhmbl’r

-

“Feh. I knew you were a fool...” 

Cue Franziska crashing her plane into the court room to yank on Sadmad’s braid to scold him for taking her word.

-

“shall be reborn as a witless sea urchin with barbs limited to your posterior”

ok well sadmad, sea urchins asses are next to their mouths... on the bottom of them. completely opposite to the, uh, you know. Spiky part.

So I’m not sure if that serves to strengthen your point or just make you look like a moron

i mean i guess it served to enhance sadmad’s point since phoenix’d be totally smooth and unprotected, but then he wouldn’t even reach adulthood so that sea otter wouldn’t come in too early and...

...he just said phoenix will be reborn as not only mentally slow but also physically deformed.

...uh... nice one, sadmad.

-

AND MAYA PULLED A REACHAROUND ON THE PRIEST 

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FROM THE HOLY MONK, GUYS

-

to be fair, she could have stabbed him with a reverse-grip or not; one doesn’t have to hold their hand at any particular to perform a reach around 

-

oh well at least the contradiction is incredibly obvious 

-

at least hobo ranger has an excuse to use words like “bucko”

-

i hate that,,,, theres a rule against climbing the mountains during the rite. that means that there have been perverts of yore who tried to spy on the lady changing 

-

hes gonna see her shad–– (sigh)

yknow, i dont think shadows are detailed enough to know which way someone is holding a knife.

also moonlight isn't that bright 

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DWAAYYYYMMMN

sasquatch’d!!

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ok so... does happiraki mean “hello” or “hooray!” because its been used it both contexts 

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i just realized that the Plumed Punisher theme song sounds like one of those posts where someone takes a recognizable song and fucks with it in a silly way, like pitch shifting it at awkward moments or changing the key

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i cannot believe i have to use a fucking walkthrough for this game. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm better than this.

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“no one was allowed in there and the only way up were the stairs!”

ah yes, the unguarded stairs surrounded by people who had their heads down. in prayer.

totally impenetrable. 

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“What?! This is insane!!” no no, phoenix, youre doing it wrong. you have to say “this”, then sadmad has to say “is” and then the judge has to yell “insaaaaane!!” because its funny when one person says one word of a sentence each!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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‘rah rah sis boom bah, fight, fight, phoenix wright!!”

um excuse me maya who gave you the right to be cute

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why does sadmad only have one hand-guard-glove thingy

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“my bag of bluffs” is an interesting and long way to say “ass”

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they put... a maximum security prison... on top of their holy mountain. they put their criminals... on top of their. holy mountain.

they put a jail. in a church. in fact they put it higher up... closer to... god. 

what the fuck. the fourth one. only accessible by helicopter.

who was smoking what when they decided this???

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(sigh) mmmmm id been waiting to use that patchwork quilt

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“hell of hangnails”

not as fetishy but still pretty–– actually you know what that sounds kinda fucked up. isn't that just kinda G rated torture anyway 

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wow that incredibly obvious lie deserves the terrible pursuit theme??

maybe its the last one (i hope)

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“are you the rebel hunter!!??!?!?!??”

um well no, unless the rebel hunter is a criminal. jackass.

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...cutting dirty deals with criminals, are we, sadmad?

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“haha, the fact that the third person at the scene was a wanted criminal destroys your theory that it was the rebel hunter Keera that killed the high priest!!”

...wow... gosh i was wrong... and the fact that a wanted criminal was actually at the scene... doesn’t help me at all... because once i said that one person didi it, it couldn’t possibly be someone else... oh no... i guess it was Maya who did it... for reals... not the.... wanted criminal....

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...hang on, his little power rangers dance was the defiant dragons dance? how... did nobody notice this?? sadmad really was colluding with criminals wasn’t he. gosh. what a trustworthy guy.

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phoenix: oh no!! his testimony was a lie!!

oh no! the testimony that did nothing but damage your case was a lie!!! 

??????

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sadmad: get him!

hobo ranger: (does a little hop and daintily scurries off)

sadmad: ... (takes a good five leisurely seconds to stop the background music) put everyone on high alert. i want everyone after that guy

that guy who just. skipped out of a courtroom. past hundreds of crazy people and several bailiffs. 

haha... the kooraheenes police. to quote phelous... THEY’RE THE BEST!

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“what was the point of all that, anyway?”

search me, phoenix.

“well, i cant help but feel that entire episode was an enormous waste of time”

hey capcom? hanging a lampshade on it doesn’t make it better. it just amplifies how much it sucks.

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“yes! i recognized that piece of paper because it looks exactly like the piece i have! thats covered in blood and unrecognizable!!!”

...nice

OH AND ITS THE PERFECT FIT TO COVER THE BLOODSTAIN WELL ISNT THAT JUST FUCKIN SERENDIPITOUS 

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“the ignorant lawyer has not bothered to learn out language??”

well A) he's not an international attorney, B) he was on vacation, not studying abroad, and C) fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. you’re all speaking english all the time anyway, you bunch of fuckin phoneys 

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i stg sadmad if you say putrid one more time i’ll cram a rotten egg down your pasty white gullet and show you the meaning of the word 

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“the criminal could have only escaped if the high priest helped him out, so why would he kill him?”

hey sadmad? remember that thing about using your putrid brain? yeah, doesn’t take too big a leap to realize that you might’ve just proved phoenix’s ‘idiot theory’ right. maybe the priest um... was a rebel??? who was going to do just that??? and the rebel killer offed his sorry ass?

perhaps, o foolish prosecutor, you should think before you open your rancid lips... lo, in your ignorance, you will be cast down to the hell of those who are kind of stupid....... the hell of perpetual fart smell. there you shall inhale the decomposing winds of ten thousand and one accursed mihtama, while fart fetishists gaze on in envy... 

oh wow i didnt even need to go on that spiel, he just admitted it straight up. but yeah, apparently when Lady Kee’ra impersonator kills a rebel, it’s A-OK. But when Maya kills a rebel, well, fuck, she’s a foreign bitch, execute her!!

also the way he said it seems to imply that he knew all along so uh

maybe people should start suspecting this guy. he seems to... know a lot of rebel criminals.

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every time sadmad shakes his head i wanna break his neck

man i remember being annoyed at edgeworth in the first game and wanting to hop my desk and rough him up, but never wanting to physically maim or kill him. you suck, sadmad. 

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WE GOT IT, FOLKS!! WE GOT THE ASSAULT!! IT’S UM, IT’S SUPERNATURAL FORCE ASSAULT THIS TIME. 

FUCK BIRDS AND SWORDS, I GUESS? ACTUAL MAGIC IS THE WAY TO GO?

hey sadmad; tickling? bondage? can we... keep that out of the courtroom please?

also “oh no! i can’t point my finger!!” phoenix cries, forgetting that he has two arms. i guess capcom won’t spring for more than one sprite tho haha

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“the keera we saw was the statue draped in the sacred robes!”

with a... knife sticking out, apparently. ok..?

also gosh, maya’s really fast, tiptoeing around the abbot, draping the costume just so, then tiptoeing back around? like lightning she is!!

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he just cut off his own theme song.

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“she used her fiendish tricks to fool the court room”

which didn’t work at all if you remember the beginning of this court so fuck you?

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“she sought to use the divination seance to mislead us!”

good going, pointing out an absolutely massive flaw in your country’s legal system, sadmad.

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i cant believe we had a flashback for absolutely no other reason than Sadmad to gloat. I FILE FOR A MISTRIAL ON GROUNDS OF MISUSE OF FLASHBACKS.

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please oh god just let it end i dont have enough space in my stomach for any more ulcers

i can’t stand hearing him say let it go one more time please I'm begging you

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oh no... phoenix has failed... he’s going to die... it’s really going to happen...

just get to the surprise witness or whatever already

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oh thank god. love you, headband guy

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“the dagger bears the finger prints of maya fey!”

wow. the police suck major ass at catching running people, but their finger print checking speed is second-to-none. ...either that or they waited a while before telling people about a dead body.......

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oh gosh!!! its totally maya!!! she arrived 2 years ago and so did lady keera and 

yeah no. it’s not her. 

but even if it was, kinda awkward there, sadmad? she’s um. kind of a hero to you.

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i dont get it why is everyone freaking out. i thought the keera impersonator was considered some kind of vigilante hero? why is it suddenly bad when they “find out” it’s maya? is it because she isn't kooraheenees?

I'm honestly really confused. everyone was rooting for the masked defender one moment, but now that its maya, it’s murder?? 

seriously what the fuck. like the gallery was legit going “ah!! lady keera has come back to save us from the rebels!”

and then its like “its not divine its some foreign bitch in a cloak” and now its like SERIAL KILLER. also, nice. we’ve never been allowed another day in court because there was a second charge racked up. awesome. (with the possible exception of Ron Delite, tho he was changing his charge)

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sadmad can go choke on his own braid and the gallery can lick their own hypocritical asses. i can’t believe i stayed up till 2 am to finish this section.