#it’s mostly cause I’ve been working 34+ hours a week at my job which I greatly dislike and don’t care about now

[princesscallyie]

I wonder what Scorch and Calypso’s would look like.

Did you mean to put kid? Cause I still have the concept art of their son Callixtus. Still need to work on these characters, but I honestly drawing/creating content takes a lot of my energy nowadays.

[plasticnightmaredoll]

Well, it’s 2021, and my birthday week, so life has to just put more stress on me by having my back suddenly start hurting. Like, seriously, what the actual FUCK? I am going to be 34 years old this week, NOT 64 YEARS OLD. I am in good shape physically. I mean, I exercise regularly and eat decently enough. Mentally, I’m a mess but physically, this shit shouldn’t happen to me.

But I’m not even mad (anymore). This is just 2020 part 2, and the good times keep on avoiding everyone.

In order to cope with this newest drama, I decided to write a short self-insert involving Arkham Knight Riddler. It’s mostly me being a stubborn, bratty bitch and him being a bratty, stubborn bitch.

As it SHOULD be.

But there’s some fluff in it, too.

And maybe a hint at some suggestiveness if you squint.

“It’s not, like, I’m dying or anything,” I said, almost attempting to sit up but then I remembered the soreness in my back. “I just...need a little time to recover.”

“And tell me again how continuing your exercise routine and going back to work will help?” Edward demanded, crossing his arms as he narrowed his eyes at me.

“I just need to improvise, ok?” I explained slowly, deliberately, my voice starting to reveal the agitation that was boiling up inside me. “I just need to avoid doing certain movements and avoid lifting anything too heavy. Make sense?”

“Excuse my bluntness but, have you suddenly become stupid?!”

“What? No!”

“Gee, you could have fooled me. Tell me, where is the logic in putting yourself through unnecessary physical stress when you already have back pain?”

“Because this exercise routine is important to me, ok?!” I hissed, and my tone managed to startle Edward a bit, so I brought my mood back down to earth as best as I could. “I’ve been doing it for 6 years now, and it makes me feel good about myself because it helps me look good. It’s also one of the few things in my shitty life I have control over. It’s something to look forward to, something that’s kind of a reward, a way to unwind. If I lose it then…” I shrugged. “What do I have? Gaming?”

“Your obsession with your physical appearance is causing you to make the most ridiculous decisions.”

“It’s not a vanity thing! It’s not something I expect you to understand because you’re a guy, and guys don’t often face the same objectification as women --”

“So, that’s what this is? You’re trying to cater to society’s pointless opinions on physical beauty?”

“No! I mean...yes, but it’s also helping me. I don’t want to sit around all the time and do nothing. I want to do something, and I want to look and feel good while doing it.”

“And about this job of yours...it’s beneath you! I told you this before. You are paid piddlies while doing monotonous work for 10 hours a day -- oh, excuse me, a night -- and you are surrounded by people who probably all share one brain cell! You don’t deserve to be trapped in such a suffocating environment.”

“I won’t argue with you on any of that.”

“Because you agree.”

“Yes, but what am I supposed to do? Quit?”

“Yes!”

“Ok, then what am I supposed to do about money? Getting unemployment takes a century, and it’s not even going to be as much as the ‘piddlies’ I’m making now -- which is barely enough to get by as it is.”

“I can help you,” Edward said, kneeling down beside the couch where I lay. “Whatever you need I can provide. I have money now -- lots of it! More than I need.”

“I don’t need a Sugar Daddy,” I said as I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself but the stinging pain I felt as my ribs expanded with my lungs put an abrupt halt to that effort.

“It’s not that kind of arrangement I’m offering,” Edward said, sounding a little calmer now. 

“I know, I know but...I don’t want help.”

“But you need it.”

“Maybe but I don’t want it.”

I started to sit up but the sharp pain in my back stopped me, and I let out a strained breath as I continued to try and force myself up.

“No, wait,” Edward said, pressing me back down by my shoulders. “What are you doing?”

I could tell he was worried by the somewhat fearful look in his eyes, and while I appreciated his concern, I wasn’t in need of being babied.

“I’m thirsty,” I said with a huff, frustrated with the entire situation. “I want something to drink. Now, if you’ll excuse me --”

“No!” Edward said sternly, holding me down. “Stay. I’ll get what you want.”

“Water with ice, please,” I said, too tired to argue anymore.

I laid there on my couch, feeling sorry for myself but also determined to NOT feel sorry for myself. Yes, I was a weakling when it came to pain, I bitched all the time, I could be quite lazy, and I could also be very snotty. I couldn’t just lay down and give up, though, and I didn’t want charity. In fact, I didn’t want to rely on anyone for help. I already bothered my parents enough -- even if they said they didn’t mind helping me whenever I needed it -- and I didn’t need to rope in someone else. 

My life was shit and that was my problem to sort out.

When Edward returned, he set the water on a coaster on the table next to the couch before kneeling down on the floor.

“Just think about my offer, ok?” he said, and I could tell he wanted to be more aggressive about it because of the tension in his voice and shoulders but he managed to keep his feelings under control for the time being. “It wouldn’t be a problem for me. At all.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “Thanks, though.”

“Well, you...were there for me when I lost everything and…” he started blushing, clearing his throat quickly before continuing. “I want to return the favor.”

“For now, maybe you could just...rub my back?”

“Huh?”

“My back...I want to try and crack it, or just massage the muscles but I can’t reach.”

“Oh! Ok, yes, yes, I can do that.”

Edward helped me turn over, and I didn’t push him away. I was, as I already mentioned, too tired to argue, so I just let him assist me. I instructed him where to put his hands, how much pressure to apply, and I hugged the couch cushion tightly as I experienced some discomfort. I did hear -- and feel -- a few cracks, though, and they honestly felt … kind of good.

“Oh!” I said, lifting my head up a bit.

“Was that too much?” Edward asked, removing his hands.

“No, no, not at all. That...that felt kind of good, actually.”

“I’ll keep going then. Tell me if you feel any pain, though.”

I nodded and rested my chin on the pillow in my arms, wincing a little here and there but overall, his hands were helping more than hurting me. In fact, it must have been very relaxing because I woke up later in my bed, covered up and even cuddling my plush rabbit (that thing was as old as me, and luckily, Edward didn’t pass judgment about it). Looking around, I wondered if he had already left, seeing it was getting to be late in the evening, and my heart sank a bit. But he had a right to leave. He had his own life after all, and I didn’t need to be babied, remember?

Carefully, I rolled onto my side and pushed myself up, my back aching but I just pushed through it. When I was finally sitting on the edge of the bed, I took a few breaths to steady myself as I prepared to stand. That was when the door to my room opened just a bit.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Edward said, stepping into my room. “Are you ok? Do you need help?”

“I just need to pee,” I said, waving my hand. “I can do that by myself.”

“All right...do you think you might want something to eat?”

“Uh...yeah, maybe. Not sure what, though.”

I stood up and rubbed at my back, grimacing at the soreness. Edward was at my side before I could say anything and I gently pushed him aside.

“I got it, I got it,” I said, laughing softly. “I’m not an old lady.”

As I made my way to the bathroom, a thought came to me, a thought that got my heart racing and my face turning red. But I was compelled to ask Edward something, and...he was right there…

“Eddie?” I said, meekly.

“Yes?” he responded from the doorway.

“Could you, um...stay tonight? I-In case I need something.”

“Oh, um…”

“I mean, you don’t have to. I’m not, like, trying to --”

“I’ll stay.”

I felt so much relief upon hearing that I almost cried.

“I could stay...for a few days if you’d like?”

“I couldn’t ask for that much.”

“You’re not. I’m offering.”

“I’d appreciate it, honestly.”

“Then it’s settled then,” Edward said with a pleased hum. “I will just go grab a few things of mine. Do you think you’ll be ok on your own for a bit?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine. I’ll be ok. Thanks…”

“In the meantime then, take care...my...Darling Devinette.”

Edward was gone before I turned to look back at him, surprised by the nickname. It wasn’t like he hadn’t used nicknames with me before but this time he sounded...different. Like...he was being...affectionate instead of just teasing? Or maybe I was just reading too much into it? 

As I waited for Edward to return, though, I couldn’t help but push my pain aside and wonder if he’d call me that nickname in an endearing tone again while staying with me? I also hoped he wouldn’t mind rubbing my back again because, yes, it did help with the stiffness but it also...felt good for reasons I wasn’t going to admit out loud.

I shook my head as I heard Edward enter my apartment again, feeling like I was just being silly. He was a friend, we were friends, friends helped each other, friends had nicknames for each other, and back rubs weren’t always sensual. I was experiencing some back pain after all. So, no reason to get excited….

Right?

-----

And that’s it...for now.

Will there be a part 2? Maybe.

Will it get smutty? Possibly.

Is this self-indulgent? Definitely.

Is Arkham Knight Edward in character? God, I really hope so.

[tefanfics]

Changes

Chapter 34

I hated it here. The cast and some of the crew were so different than the last movie which made it difficult to look forward to work. I hated coming home to an empty apartment. I’d been in California for two and a half months and hadn’t had more than one day off at a time, so no chance to travel to see my family for a weekend. I was more than ready to return to London. Mostly to Taron.

He was busy most of the time, which caused limited photo calls and texts. I was lucky if I heard from him more than a couple times a day. But I knew there would be days like that. That’s what I had signed on for.

Today I was running errands and trying to get laundry done but I had no motivation by time I had returned home from the store. I put groceries away carelessly and sank into the stiff couch in my tiny apartment.

I fired off a text to Taron then one to my mom. I turned on the TV but didn’t pay any attention to whatever sitcom was playing. My phone buzzed beside me and I grabbed it, answering the incoming call from my mom.

“Hey Mama.”

“Hey Rose-bud. Got a few minutes?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “It gets me out of doing laundry so absolutely.”

My mom chuckled on her end of the phone. “I know we haven’t really talked about it but this whole engagement thing-“

I sucked in a sharp breath. I knew this was coming. I had been waiting for a while for her to finally say something. I just had hoped it would’ve been further down the road.

“Are you sure this is a smart idea, sweetie?” She asked carefully. I knew she was attempting to walk on eggshells.

“Yes, Mom.”

“Okay. I just think it’s too soon is all. You were with Jake for eight years and you guys never got engaged and-“

“Which wasn’t my fault, Mom. That was all him. I wanted to get married but he couldn’t make up his mind,” I said quickly, cutting her off.

“I know, I know. But you left and months later started dating someone new. Now you’re engaged after a year. It was quick, sweetie. That’s all I’m saying.”

I sighed into the phone as I sat on the couch, suddenly feeling defeated. “Mom, I dealt with his shit for a long time. I never got any of the things I wanted, no matter how long I sat waiting on the back burner. I moved on a long time before I ended things with him.” I paused as I took a deep breath. There was the threat of tears but I wouldn’t allow it. I had spent way too much time crying over my ex. I wasn’t about to start again. “What’s so wrong about marrying someone who does love and treats me right?”

My mom stayed quiet for a while. “I just worry is all. I don’t want you rushing into this and making a mistake.”

“I’ve made plenty of mistakes. The biggest example of that was staying with someone for eight years who treated me like shit,” I countered. I was getting angry now. I loved my mom and I knew she meant well but this was too much.

“Fine,” she said finally. “And what happens when he’s gone for months at a time because of filming? Or when you watch movies he’s in and see him kissing another person?”

“Mom, it’s his job. I’ll be gone for months at a time too if I stick with this career.” I didn’t want to admit it but there a part of her questions that got me thinking. I didn’t like being by myself for a long periods of time. And seeing him in movies, having a romantic interest with someone, would be weird. I’d just have to remind myself that they were movies and they were fake. “Anything else?”

My mom sighed again. “No, I guess that’s it, sweetie. How’s California?”

“I hate it.”

“Oh.” There was an awkward laugh before Mom spoke again. “At least you’re almost done there.”

“Thank God,” I muttered. “I’d better go, Mom. I really do need to get some things done.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you later then. Love you, Rose-bud.”

“Yeah, you too, Mom.”

I ended the call and held my phone, staring at my call log. I wanted so badly to call Taron and talk to him until I ran out of things to say. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t hear from him until tonight if I was lucky.

I put my phone down and started to take care of the chores that I needed to. I did some laundry, cleaned the bathroom and made my bed. I hung up some clothes and wiped down the stove. I started on a couple of other tasks when I heard the phone buzz again.

I returned to the couch and watched my phone began to go crazy. Text after text appeared on my screen. People kept tagging me on social media over and over. I couldn’t even check anything because my phone was almost in shock by the amount of notifications it had to alert me of.

When it seemed to calm down, I tried to open Facebook but was stopped by another call.

“Callie?”

“Have you seen yet?” Callie asked me, her words flying out so quickly that it was hard to understand what she was saying.

“What?”

“Have you seen the photo yet?”

“What photo? I just grabbed my phone and it was going crazy.”

Callie started about three different sentences before finally finding the words she was looking for. “Just… Maybe brace yourself?”

I furrowed my brows in confusion as I pulled the phone from my ear and put it on speaker. I managed to get Facebook to load but I didn’t need to check my notifications. It was right there on my newsfeed.

It was a photo of Taron at a bar, standing beside a blonde woman. His hand was on her lower back and he was leaning in close. A smirk was on his face and a drink in his free hand.

“I don’t…” I couldn’t even manage words as I tried to process what I was seeing. No matter how far I scrolled, the photo was everywhere. “Maybe it’s not him,” I managed.

“Rose…”

“I know,” I said quietly. “Thanks, Callie.”

“Hey, wai-“

But I had ended the call. I no longer felt like talking. I found myself sitting and staring at the photo. The notifications wouldn’t stop coming. I was tempted to throw my phone or anything I could get my shaking hands on. I couldn’t decipher how I felt. Angry and upset, hurt and confused. My mind was running at a million miles per hour as I tried to decide my next course of action.

I had two weeks left here. I could wait till I got home and confront Taron. Maybe it was just a mistake and the paps got a bad photo at the right time. Or I could text him now and wait for a response later because maybe the paps got the right photo at the wrong time.

There was no way I could wait. I was already sick to my stomach and my hands were shaking like crazy. Two weeks of this would be absolute hell. I saved that damn photo and put it in a message to Taron.

Care to explain?

[demilitarised-zone]

50 (yes fifty!!) Things You’ve Never Been Asked…. Let’s lighten the mood & have some fun! I always enjoy reading these and seeing a quick glimpse into my friend’s lives. (Just copy this & change the answers..😁)

Got tagged by @r6sshippingdelivery. Thank you😊

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

White? Brownish? I need a new one..

2. Name a food you never ever eat.

Mushrooms, cause I'm deathly allergic to those. Also not fond of eggs and spinach and jelly foods.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? 

I have a sensation loss of temeratures, so honestly? No idea. I've been told my hands are always cold though.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Barbecqueing with my family😊

5. What is your favourite candy bar? 

I don't eat candy bars, except that one Polish one sometimes... The name of which escapes me tbh😅

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? 

I participated in Taekwondo turnaments. Still got some trophies at home!

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? 

Listen, I have the memory span if a fly, but I think it was "are you a good boy? Yes you are!"

8. What is your favourite ice cream?

🍉 all the way baby! (I'm obsessed with anything watermelon)

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Nice, cold water.

10. Do you like your wallet?

Defo need a new one, but haven't gotten around to buying one yet.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Walnut ice cream!😍

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

Nope

13. The last sporting event you watched?

Soccer, I think, cause it's always on TV and the only thing my stepdad watches.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? 

Salty, but caramel is a close second.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? 

One of my best friends, who'd just found a huge stash of компот in his attic from 30 years ago - but it's still consumable

16. Ever go camping?

Not outright camping in my free time, but three days survival training in the Schwarzwald.

17. Do you take vitamins? 

Not rn, but I was thinking if starting hair vitamins for a month, just to see if it gets me anything🤔

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? 

I used to for a time, but once I could choose wether I wanted to or not I stopped lol

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

The day I, an Italian, will say that pizza is inferior to any other food, you may as well assume I lost my mind😂

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Always, I just love drinking with straws, helps preserve my lipstick.

22. What color socks do you usually wear? 

Black or white, I prefer my clothing to be in simple colours and designs.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? 

I don't drive^^

24. What terrifies you?

I got Akrophobia, so there's that. But also loneliness, zombies and uh... The allergic reaction to mushrooms, aka no air bc my whole throat swells. Big oof.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

My bed that's so big, one side is always full of random stuff. It's a huge bed, king size, and I defo need more pillows to smother myself in when I sleep.

26. What chore do you hate most?

Mowing the lawn.... Or cleaning up my dogs puke. 😭

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

G'DAY MATE

28. What’s your favorite soda?

I don't drink sodas.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive?

I don't eat fast food.

30. What is your favourite number?

I always liked 4 and 8 a lot. Idk why. 48 and 84 are the pinnacle of numbers?

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?

Me mum

32. Favourite cut of beef?

Uh... None, I guess?

33. Last song you listened to?

Wild Dances - Ruslana. (Eurovision Song Contest winner of... 2004. By the Ukraine)

34. Last book you read?

I... Don't read books anymore, tbh.😅

35. Favourite day of the week?

Friday, cause I travel on fridays and I love travelling.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Hell to the no, jut respect to those who can😮

37. How do you like your coffee?

I don't drink coffee, but when I do I'm 60 hours deep into my insomnia and I brewed it with vodka or Monster.

38. Favourite pair of shoes?

Sneakers! But also my high heeled boots😊

39. The time you normally get up?

5am every day. No exceptions.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?

Sunrise, especially watching it from hotel rooms on vacation~

41. How many blankets on your bed?

Two at any given time or season. Like I said before, temperature is never really a concern for me, so it's purely about comfort.

42. Describe your kitchen plates.

White with maroon and steel blue accents.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment?

As tidy as always!

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?

Limoncello, Ramazotti with juice (orange or multi), Berliner Luft, Berentzen, and everything vodka. My favourite cocktail is the Bloody Mary🥴

45. Do you play cards?

Mau-Mau, Einunddreißiger, Magic the Gathering, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, Schwarzer Peter... Probably some more, though they won't come to mind.

46. What colour is your car?

I don't have a car lol

47. Can you change a tire?

Lol nope

48. Your favourite state?

I'm kinda learning the states bc I'm interested in geography, but still, I'm European asf so...🤷🏼‍♀️

49. Favourite job you’ve had?

I'm currently working my dream job😊

50. How did you get your biggest scar?

Assuming this means physical scars and not psychological ones, the ones I have are mostly from self arm, both on my arms and legs. I do have a tiny lil scar on one of my ankles from surgery too.

I'd tag some peeps, but I'm afraid they're all busy with more important stuff, so I'm not gonna bother them.

Feel free to participate if you want to, tho!

[queerlynx]

tagged by @elinaline​ lets fucking go 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

my what (have you seen my hair, seriously) 

2. name of a food you never eat?

garlic and i WILL die on that hill 

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

always too fucking warm. im literally never cold. people ask me 10x/day ‘arent you cold’ even tho ive told them 1000x that no, i am never cold 

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

i think i was still at the shops or maybe getting ready to go to the shops? 

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

always a slut for a snickers 

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

i dont think so? what would i do there anyways ……oh wait no i went along to a professional tennis game w my ex’s brother i think? i can barely remember it was like 6 years ago 

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

genuinely can’t remember even tho it was probs less than 15mn ago to my flatmate. most likely something about the cat being cute. or maybe it was TO the cat. who knows. 

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

chocolate probably? or banana? banana and chocolate is also good 

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

lemonade cause thats all i drink 

10. do you like your wallet?

it’s BB-8!!! so yeah of fucking course 

11. what was the last thing you ate?

a bagel w blue cheese laughing cow, ham, and one of them shitty toastie super processed cheese slices 

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

me and whose money lmaoo i can barely afford food rn 

13. last sporting event you watched?

nope 

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

recently ive discovered you can drizzle maple syrup on popcorn and oh boy. other than that probs salted caramel sauce. but like i almost never have popcorn 

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

im gonna assume this is any message and not just tumblr, in which case it was my fiancé @yearningcurve on whatsapp 

16. ever go camping?

i love camping but last time i went was at least 6 years ago ): 

17. do you take vitamins?

lol no 

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

………moving swiftly on 

19. do you have a tan?

i avoid sunlight like the plague so i’ll let you figure that one out 

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

probs pizza but i like both 

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                      

i chug it straight from the bottle lol who’s got the time 

22. what colour socks do you wear?

im almost constantly barefoot unless i HAVE to put on shoes and even then i won’t always put socks on if i’m not gonna be outside for long 

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

im always p much 5mph above the speed limit (fun fact, the display in cars shows your speed as roughly 2mph higher than it actually is, you can check it against a gps on your phone; AND speed cameras allow for +5mph anyway, so why the fuck wouldnt i be) 

24. what terrifies you?

like in general?? people leaving me, rejecting me, abandoning me, cutting me out, hating me in secret; not being a good person or liked or useful; people thinking i’m annoying or embarrassing or ridiculous or boring; the list goes on 

25. look to your left what do you see?

a very roumd and somft kitty :3 

26. what chore do you hate?

anything administrative or on the phone. i dont think it counts as chores but i genuinely enjoy tidying and cleaning so. 

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

i cant tell an australian accent when i hear one 

28. what’s your favourite soda?

lemonade, or fanta 

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

ever since ive gotten a car p much always drive thru cause why would i sit in a crowded fast food restaurant w screeching kids and angry karens when i could enjoy my disgusting feast in my own home??? 

30. who was the last person you talked to?

IRL that’d be my flatmate 

t31. favourite cut of beef?

sirloin 

32. last song you listened to?

Echoes by the Rapture, it played on my shuffle in my car and reminded me of how good Misfits was lmao 

33. last book you read?

it would’ve been over seven or eight years ago. can’t remember. 

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a 

apparently so but it took a while tbh 

35. how do you like your coffee?

i mostly drink flat whites w hazelnut when i drink coffee but tbh despite being a barista w a professional grade home coffee machine i barely ever drink any outside of work lmao 

36. favourite pair of shoes?

grinders boots AND my trans pride converses. can’t pick between them soz 

37. the time you normally go to bed?

really is no normal. anytime between midnight and like up to 5am esp rn during lockdown. i never went to sleep last night actually i’ve been awake for like 28h now 

38. the time you normally wake up?

see above. anytime between 10am and like 6pm depending on when i went to bed. outside of lockdown i would wake up exactly an hour before i have work, so anytime between 5am-11am 

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

sunsets but i really love both 

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one bedsheet and one soft blanket 

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re green. nobody is surprised 

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

cider. i be drinkin that shit like its juice 

43. do you play cards?

not really altho on lockdown i’ve taught my flatmates a french card/money game called Nain Jaune and they enjoy it so that makes me happy 

44. what colour is your car?

dark red like……burgundy kinda? 

45. can you change a tire?

probably not lol 

46. your favourite province?

province of what lol. either way it’s Brittany. 

47. favourite job you’ve had?

ive only ever had the one lmao so, barista it is 

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

top surgery (’: 

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

fuck if i know. i guess i made coffee for my flatmates but like i do it everyday so they p much expect it by now i dont think it makes them any happier or like if it does they dont really say it rip 

not a big fan of tagging ppl so just. do it if you wanna lol 

[gromvillage]

all even numbers. do it coward

oh for fuck’s sake let’s go bois

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

depends on my mood and the situation, i feel like i’ve been a lot quieter lately 

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i’d like to think so but i know that’s not completely true, i can be pretty stubborn about ideas i have in a group setting and always kinda take charge in situations

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

people who care about me and respect me, people who are adventurous, literally anyone that can pick me up/is willing to carry me

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

this guy i’m into right now but shouldn’t be cause he’ll probably never be into me lmao

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ohhh i don’t remember. i feel like recently i haven’t really had any deep conversations with anyone sadly

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

ohhh really into the kids see ghosts album, a bunch of hobo johnson’s stuff, grrrls by aviva (this isn’t five songs but,,,,suck it)

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

not really

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

prolly not

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

don’t remember who my first crush was but i know i don’t talk to them anymore thank you, i had horrible taste when i was younger

20. Do you like your neighbors?

yeah!! most of them are pretty cool and i’m fairly close with them! there are a few that i’m not huge on but that’s life

22. Where would you like to travel?

oh all kinds of places. i want to go to antartica and the himalayas and the andes and the atacama desert and colorado and the sierras and all america’s national parks and tons of places in europe and mongolia and so many other places

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

at the end of the day i like decompressing in my room and i also really love my art classes!

26. What do you do when you wake up?

check my phone (sadly), watch the news for like ten minutes, shower, pack my lunch/make something for breakfast, go to school

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close friends, though recently i’ve struggled a lot with my thoughts on my relationships with those around me

30. Do you ever want to get married?

it’s not a top priority but i think if i found the right person maybe

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

ohhh boi there are many options.....timothee chalamet, bella heathcote, cara delevingne, russel wilson, harry styles, anothony ramos, tons of mountain athletes

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i don’t play sports per say but i do a lot of stuff outdoors!! hiking, backpacking, wakeboarding, skiing, that kinda stuff

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

oh hell yeah have you even met me i am constantly liking people and not telling them

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

ummm kind the same answer as 6 but like someone who would be goofy with me and go on adventures and listen to me ramble about random shit and not get mad with me when i struggle with my thoughts

40. What do you want to do after high school?

hopefully go to college out west (fuck the south) and then get a job doing something outdoorsy!!

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

i’m either tired, pissed, sad, feeling left out, or a mix of all of em

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

ohhh tough but prolly go with space, there’s so much that we don’t know and also i wanna be weightless 

46. What are you paranoid about?

oh lots of things, my parents finding out i’m gay, being abandoned by those close to me, ending up with everyone hating me, good stuff like that

48. Have you ever been drunk?

nope, not into that kinda stuff

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

maroon! i stay wearing that color

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i think that i’m insecure about a lot of things and internalize that insecurity and let it stew, which is unhealthy and leaves me constantly questioning the world and people around me

54. Favourite store?

really any outdoor store 

56. Favourite colour?

pretty partial to red but i also like kind of a forest green

58. Last thing you ate?

seasoned oyster crackers, those dudes slap

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i came in third at our friendsgiving cook-off this past weekend?? i made bacon poptarts and it was cool to place cause i was competing against all adults who are pretty good cooks

62. Been arrested? For what?

negative ghostrider

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

pretty sure it was this dude in like second grade on the playground, which is hella lame

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

the only real tumblr friends i have are people i know in real life so,,,,

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr, though i’ve thought about getting a twitter recently 

70. Names of your bestfriends?

wouldn’t you like to know weather boy

72. What colour are your towels?

i have some that are blue and some that are white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one usually, but two if it’s sad boi hour

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

oh i don’t know that i have any?? yeah don’t think i have any 

76. What colour is your underwear?

today it’s kinda that boring peach tan color

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

really love chocolate raspberry but i also love pretty much all tillamook ice cream flavors

80. What colour pants?

today they’re a dark khaki 

82. Favourite movie?

maybe bill and ted’s excellent adventure?? they’re just out living life and aren’t super stressed about school (other than the part where it’s the whole plot) and also really dig their clothes

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

haven’t seen either

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush maybe? he’s just doing his thing and i dig it. also his voice is sick

88. Last person you talked to today?

@perpetualpatchwork!!

90. Name a person you love?

myself, sometimes

92. In a fight with someone?

at the moment no, though my brother and i argued a ton over thanksgiving break

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

ohhh lots probably close to like 10 or 15

96. Favourite actress?

don’t really have a favorite but  saoirse ronan is pretty cool

98. Do you tan a lot?

nah, i stay pretty pale throughout the summer though i do get nice freckles! 

100. How are you feeling?

tired and stressed at the moment, but aren’t we all

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh yeah there are quite a few things

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

there were a couple people i was close to in elementary and middle school i would like to reconnect with 

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

only my own

108. What should you be doing?

hella homework and getting ready for my scout meeting

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

there have been a couple times,,,,

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my mom a couple weeks ago

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yep!! i have traveled the country quite a bit and was lucky enough to leave the country for the first time this summer!

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeah, nirvana’s heart shaped box

118. Do you like Chinese food?

not hugely, i’d really like to try the authentic stuff though!

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

in some cases, mostly when i’m camping 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

negative ghostrider 

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

how can you love someone you’ve never talked to?

126. Are you currently bored?

somewhat with my life, though there is so much i could do to try and improve it but i just don’t put in the effort and instead just complain 

128. Would you change your name?

not really?? i liked to think about other names i wanted as a kid (tori was a particularly embarrassing one) but i’m pretty happy with my name now

130. Do you like subway?

i have to admit yes, it slaps when you’re on a road trip and stop and get a sandwich and then find a park or overlook to eat it at

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

this is the same as number 10???

134. Can you count to one million?

i’m sure i could because i know how numbers work but i don’t think i would ever want to

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed bruh gotta keep the monsters out

138. Curly or Straight hair?

oh it’s so freaking straight it doesn’t hold a curl at all

140. Summer or Winter?

winter, cause i can go skiing and sit by the fire and drink hot chocolate and cuddle up with blankets and wear jackets all the time

142. Favourite month?

big fan of december, though i like most of fall and the beginning of spring

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark or milk, white chocolate is the work of the devil

146. Was today a good day?

ehhh not great, we been out here struggling with a lot of stuff 

148. What’s your favourite quote?

i don’t know that i have a favorite but i like “be excellent to each other” from bill and ted’s excellent adventure, “anyone can cook” from ratatouille, and “the idea of wilderness needs no defense, it only needs defenders” from edward abbey

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

the book is my bullet journal and the first thing written on the page is monday from one of my weekly spreads, which isn’t a very exciting first line

[big-tony]

1-100 hoe

I hate you so much.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Spotify for sure

3. what color are your eyes?

Ugly ass brown

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Really obnoxious

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

I have a black 2013 Nissan Altima 

9. where do you shop?

As much as I hate them, I do most of my shopping on Amazon. I’ve started using Thrift Books when I buy books, but I also want to start going to local bookstores since some have opened up nearby.

10. how would you describe your style?

The stereotypical person who listens exclusively to music on Bandcamp but doesn’t want to commit to buying clothes at Goodwill

11. favorite social media account

Tumblr but I’m kind of warming up to Twitter

13. any siblings?

Yeah I have an older sister

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

I would say at this stage in my life I would like to live in Spain or Argentina. I’d really like to just be somewhere out of North America where I can speak Spanish all the time. I feel like it would be a nice change of pace

15. favorite snapchat filter? 

I deleted snap like four months ago but I really liked the one that just hid all of your blemishes lmao

17. how many times a week do you shower?

Like 10-12 on average

18. favorite tv show?

Either Eric Andre or the Twilight Zone

19. shoe size?

16 which makes shopping for shoes impossible

20. how tall are you?

6′5″

21. sandals or sneakers? 

Sneakers. I only wear sandals if I’m running somewhere for less than 30 minutes

22. do you go to the gym? 

I kind of neglected that this semester but before that I was going about 5 days a week

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$5 lmao

25. what color socks are you wearing? 

White

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

Just two I don’t like having too many

27. do you have a job? what do you do? 

Not rn I just finished up working as a research assistant and I’ll be applying for that position again this summer

28. how many friends do you have? 

idk if I had to guess somewhere around 30 but I see about 10 of them weekly the rest kind of rotate in and out

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

This girl was going to sit down when I was in high school and I thought it would be funny to pull the chair out from under her. It was not particularly funny and it still haunts me because it was so unnecessarily mean

30. whats your favorite candle scent? 

Fuck I don’t know what it’s called but when I’m home for the holidays my parents always burn this one candle that just reminds me of Christmas. Very cinnamon-y but also smells like pine needles

31. 3 favorite boy names

James, Antonio, David

32. 3 favorite girl names

Autumn, McKenzie, Maria

33. favorite actor? 

I don’t think I watch enough movies to have a strong opinion on this one

34. favorite actress? 

Same

35. who is your celebrity crush?

Shakira for sure

36. favorite movie? 

I watch so few movies that my favorite movie is basically the last good movie I watched so I’d say Madeinusa. If we’re going for movies that are so bad that they’re awesome I’d say Bloodsport

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

Yeah I love reading! I’d say it’s tied between The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

38. money or brains? 

Brains for sure

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? 

People used to call me Chief Keef all the time but I don’t have one anymore

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

I think like when I was born was the only time lol

41. top 10 favorite songs

In no particular order:

Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Sun Kil Moon - Pancho Villa

Algernon Cadwallader - Fun

American Football - Stay Home

Shakira - Se Quiere, Se Mata

Sun Kil Moon - Micheline

Sufjan Stevens - Impossible Soul

The Microphones - The Glow, Pt. 2

Frank Dominguez & Elena Burke - Imágenes

Sufjan Stevens - Romulus

42. do you take any medications daily? 

Nah

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

I’d say pretty oily I have to shower the moment I wake up because my hair looks like a mess from the oil

44. what is your biggest fear? 

Heights

45. how many kids do you want? 

If I decide I want kids, probably just one

46. whats your go to hair style?

I like to keep it pretty short and put some gel in it it’s pretty basic

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

I live in an apartment right now but my parents’ house is kind of small compared to all my friends’ growing up.

48. who is your role model? 

I try not to have a role model per se because every time I learn about famous people they disappoint me in one way or another. I had a lot of respect for Anthony Bourdain though

49. what was the last compliment you received?

My friend told me yesterday that I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life this past month, which meant a lot to me

50. what was the last text you sent?

“Dead af” which is pretty par for the course

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I think I was 9 when I decided he didn’t exist. No one really confirmed or denied it until I was like 12

52. what is your dream car? 

I used to say corvette but I can’t fit in one lol

53. opinion on smoking?

I can’t really get on a high horse about it because I smoke when I’m very drunk but I don’t enjoy the really strong smell of a smoker’s house

54. do you go to college? 

Yeah! I’m studying history and Spanish and I should be graduating spring 2020

55. what is your dream job? 

I want to be a professor and hopefully teach Latin American history

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Since my indie folk days are behind me, suburbs for sure

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

No my hair seems to hate those so I have to bring my own shampoo when I go places

58. do you have freckles? 

nah

59. do you smile for pictures?

Yeah I like my smile a lot so

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

1629 according to my camera roll

61. have you ever peed in the woods? 

Oh yeah absolutely

62. do you still watch cartoons? 

I keep up with Steven Universe by force of habit but otherwise no

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

McDonald’s. Wendy’s chicken nuggets are whack

64. Favorite dipping sauce? 

Chick-Fil-A sauce

65. what do you wear to bed? 

Basketball shorts

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

I won this in-class one and they asked me to go to the school-wide one but I didn’t go

67. what are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, and learning languages mostly. I’d like to get more social hobbies at some point like get into playing pool but I haven’t gotten around to it

68. can you draw? 

Oh hell no. I tried super hard up until like 7th grade and then I accepted fate

69. do you play an instrument?

I am trying to learn the banjo but I need to get more consistent

70. what was the last concert you saw? 

I saw Fleet Foxes in March, which was an amazing show. I missed American Football in August which I’m still really upset about

71. tea or coffee?

Coffee, though I’d like to learn more about tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Dunkin Donuts just because it’s cheaper

73. do you want to get married?

Yeah I have a crippling fear of ending up alone lmao

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I don’t really have a crush but the girl I’m seeing’s initials are BS which is interesting to say the least

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

No but I probably should because my last name is bland af

76. what color looks best on you? 

I think I look good in a deep purple

77. do you miss anyone right now? 

Unfortunately yes but I’m getting over it slowly

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed. I have this irrational fear that I will wake up and someone is watching me, but in all reality an unlocked door won’t stop them if that’s what it is going to come to

79. do you believe in ghosts?

Nah

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? 

People who read, watch, or hear something slightly out of the ordinary and go “WOW I WONDER HOW MANY DRUGS THEY MUST HAVE BEEN ON TO COME UP WITH THAT”

81. last person you called`

My parents like two hours ago

82. favorite ice cream flavor? 

Cookies and cream

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? 

Regular, I didn’t know people liked the golden ones

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

Rainbow

85. what shirt are you wearing? 

A UCF football shirt! Go Knights

86. what is your phone background?

Salamovka at Night (Judy’s Window Lit) by Lois Dodd

87. are you outgoing or shy?

Very outgoing lol

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

Ugh I love it so much

89. do you like your neighbors? 

Never talked to em but they’re quiet so I can’t complain

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Yeah before bed and after my shower

91. have you ever been high? 

Many times

92. have you ever been drunk? 

Many times

93. last thing you ate? 

I got a chicken tender sub at Publix!

94. favorite lyrics right now

Don’t leave home, again

If empathy takes energy

‘Cause everyone feels just like you

But that’s life, it’s so social

95. summer or winter? 

Winter because I like when it’s a bit chillier, even though Florida does not get very cold. It’s been in the 40s and 50s this week which has been incredible and I wish we had more days like that.

96. day or night? 

I like the night during summer and the day during winter. 

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

Milk chocolate

98. favorite month? 

October

99. what is your zodiac sign

Libra

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My ex-girlfriend about three years ago.

I still hate you for this.

[juliambrose]

So today I have thoughts. So many that I found it fitting to re-install tumblr after ghosting on this part of my life two years ago. I still don’t really know why I did, except that I simply did. But this one thought I had was the sort of thing that would turn into a definite tl;dr on Facebook, and it seemed too noisy a forum. So here I am, back again.

My thought is this: I had a supremely difficult day. It started off well enough: I woke from the first decent sleep I’ve had in a week, and my cat was cuddly, and it was raining. I opened Facebook and read about Banksy’s magnificent self-destructing art, and had I known that this would be the peak of my day, damn I would have found a way to fake sick.

I work at a tailor shop—one that has had a rough few months, and is heading into a much needed slow season. I’m the only non-immigrant in the shop, and one of only two fluent English speakers, which means that when I went upstairs after breakfast to change before work and found some very fresh, very expansive cat pee on the floor it meant that my being late would suck. Despite my best efforts to clean everything quickly, get a laundry load started, deodorize the floor and finally get the pee smell off of myself, I was half an hour late. Although I had texted my boss as soon as I was able, she ripped me a new one for a thousand things that were beyond my control. In the past when someone has pulled shit like this, I’ve generally shrugged it off, knowing that anything I said would come off as an excuse, however true it was. But after 34 years, that sort of patience wears thin, and today I argued. I’ve been arguing more lately, which in my life translates to: I’ve been arguing, period. It’s not something I’m skilled at. It frustrates me. I get tongue tied and flustered and angry, and when I get angry, I cry. It’s not a great look.

If this were the only thing about today, or about this week, that was frustrating, it would have been a day to forget. But today, the senate voted to proceed with Kavanaugh’s confirmation. I was not surprised. Although it saddens me, I never expected it to go otherwise, and I know I’m not alone in this.

My current boss is now my (officially) third overtly bigoted, racist boss. She of course, does not realize she is and believes she is not, which means that she will never change. She also supports Trump, as well as Putin, and has celebrated every moment that Dr. Ford was mocked, ridiculed, or dismissed throughout this entire trial. I live in Chicago, where this week was also the end of the Laquan MacDonald trial. It’s been tense.

Knowing this about her, and receiving the brunt of her illogical blame caused me to feel more defeated today than I’ve felt in a long time. And it was only 10:30 in the morning.

There were several other upsets today, caused mostly by customers and normal Saturday chaos. In the spare moments when I could have eaten, I found myself without an appetite.

By the time I got home I was ready to pack it all in. I’m still worried about my cat. I have a job interview tomorrow, and a lot of other commitments I will have to choose between. I haven’t had a day off in over two months, and this week I also won’t get one.

I was lounging on the couch with my roommate, re-watching the Milk Bar episode of Chef’s Table for comfort and inspiration, when I came across a Facebook post that I should have bookmarked and now can’t find, and which I will now paraphrase as best I can:

Christine Blassey Ford is white, straight, cis, educated, and well-spoken, and she is fighting to be believed. This should make us consider what anyone who is not all or any of these things has to go through.

And it made me think of this morning, how frustrated and angry I was at having to detail every moment of my morning to my boss in order to prove that I had done my best, only to have her dismiss all of my true, legitimate reasons as excuses. Realizing that it will always be like this with my boss, that she will never trust me because she has already made up her mind. Realizing that this very small thing that happened to me today is echoed and magnified throughout our country and the world, and most specifically now in all three branches of our government.

I am white, straight, cis, educated, and most of the time, I can speak well, and today I wanted to quit everything. Today, in a very tiny microcosm of the world, with a problem that won’t ripple through the world in a life changing way, I struggled to be believed.

So, a month from today, I will do what my boss did not do in the 2016 election: I will vote. I will look again and again at what I believe makes me a good person, and I will question, and revise, and pay goddamn attention.

And so should you.

[invaded-identity]

50 Powerful Questions That Can Help You Identify The Signs Of Emotional Abuse

By Shahida Arabi, March 28th 2018 (https://tcat.tc/2pJokd0)

TW: Emotional/psychological/narcisstic abuse, coersion, general crappy-human-being shit

1. Does your partner enjoy humiliating you in public?

Not especially. Nothing stands out in my memory. I am often the butt of jokes, though. 

2. What is the worst way in which your partner has used your own insecurities against you?

Telling me that I was going to fail at my future career. Triangulating with other women to make me feel bad about myself and my appearance.

3. Do you find that the way your partner treated you in the beginning of the relationship is unrecognizable from the way your partner treats you now?

I can’t even remember. We were so young, and it was 8-10 years ago. But yes, I do suppose it was very different. 

4. How often does your partner make you feel sorry for them after mistreating you?

Every single time. It seems that everything is always my fault. 

5. Are you persistently made to feel guilty for voicing your concerns in the relationship?

Absolutely. In his mind, we would work out if I would just “try,” and if I would “stop living in the past.”

6. Does your partner shame you about qualities or traits you have that they once praised?

I think so. I think at one point he appreciated my independence, wit, and opinions--or at least he acted that way. Now my only option is to agree with him, and never use sarcasm in any way that he decides makes him look stupid. 

7. Does your partner shut down conversations about their behavior before they even have a chance to begin?

Yes. 

8. Is your partner nicer and more respectful to others in public than they are to you behind closed doors?

Absolutely.

9. When your partner gives you the silent treatment, do they usually explain themselves or do they continue to ignore you and come back only to pretend like nothing ever happened?

Yes and no. Typically, there is an expectation that he will speak to me once I’ve apologized for what I’ve done to him. Though he does pretend like nothing happened in other situations. 

10. Does your partner continuously claim that you’re too sensitive when you express your emotions?

No. He doesn’t verbalize that. He just gets angry when I express emotions and assumes that I’m wrongfully upset at him. 

11. Do you find yourself questioning your own reality on a daily basis?

Not so much anymore, but yes. Typically my memory.

12. Have you been made to doubt things that you know for a fact your partner has said or done?

Yes. I caught him cheating twice, and he continued to deny it, call me paranoid, and change the subject.

13. Does your partner call you names when he or she doesn’t get their way?

Yep. Cunt, bitch, ass hole, whatever else. 

14. Are you afraid to express your true feelings around your partner because of the way they’ve reacted to you in the past?

Yes.

15. Do you feel like your accomplishments are belittled, ignored or minimized by your partner?

100% every time. Typically ignored altogether. 

16. How often are you made to feel insecure and invisible when your partner engages in conversations with people of the opposite sex?

Most of his friends are women, though I’m not sure he’s interested in a romantic sense, but pretty much always, unless they are a mutual friend. 

17. Does your partner frequently compare you to others in a demeaning way in terms of appearance, personality, success or any other aspect of yourself they like to criticize?

Yes, it has happened. 

18. Do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around this person, careful what to say or do just to avoid “offending” them?

Yes. I feel like I exist in an eggshell when he is around. 

19. Does the way your partner looks at or talks about other women or men (whoever they are attracted to) make you feel uncomfortable?

Yeah. He can be really gross sometimes, he’s also started kind of leering at women. I suppose he’s better than other men, but it's still gross. 

20. Has your partner reminded you of how lucky you are to have them, usually after an outburst?

Yep, something to the effect of “you aren’t going to find anything better, this is as good as it gets.”

21. Does your partner have frequent rage attacks when their ego is threatened?

Every time.

22. If you call out your partner’s behavior, do they become excessively angry?

I don’t usually anymore, mostly because I don’t care enough and I’m just biding my time (12 days), but before, when I wanted to salvage the relationship--yes. 

23. Are you allowed to ever point out your partner’s mistakes, even in a light-hearted manner?

No, no, no. He is beyond reproach. 

24. How often does your partner make you feel ashamed about qualities and accomplishments you used to be proud of?

Honestly, it’s been so long that I don’t remember the qualities I used to be proud of. I’m starting to find qualities that I’m proud of currently. The one I can think of is my independence.

25. Do you find yourself apologizing for things you’re not at fault for in the relationship?

All the time. 

26. Has your partner ever compared you to others and made you feel as if you were in ‘competition’ with other people for their attention and love?

Yep. I’ve been told, “I have N___, I don’t need you for that anymore.”

27. Do you find yourself apologizing for the mistakes that your partner made but refuses to own up to?

No. He taught me long ago that this is a big no-no. I am not to apologize on his behalf. Big fight. 

28. How many times has your partner accused you of having flaws that they themselves possess?

I don’t see this so much. Maybe that I’m antisocial and standoffish. 

29. In what ways has your partner turned the things you used to enjoy doing into things you dread doing?

Hmm...like everything? Sex definitely. Though I’ve only been with him, I couldn’t stand it the last 6 months or so. I’m glad I don’t have to anymore--with him anyway. I miss sex in general at this point, though I’m not sure I’ve ever had good sex. 

30. How does your body react when you’re around your partner?

Ohh good question. I think I tense up, try to make myself small. Try to shrink into the wall. 

31. Do you feel overly anxious when you think about how your partner treats you?

No, not really. We’ve been fighting so much lately, and I’ve been standing up for myself, so I feel sort of desensitized at this point. But yes, I have in the past. Now I just don’t care. 

32. How many ways have you wasted time trying to please your partner, only to learn that they are never satisfied with anything you do?

Every way. Almost every time. Only now he brings up the nice things I did--notes, gifts, traveling hundreds of miles every week-as the expectation for how he should be treated. At the time it was nothing, and never enough. 

33. In what ways do you feel you have to ask permission from your partner before you do something?

I asked permission to get an iPhone instead of a Samsung. What to cook for dinner. When to visit my family. Anything really. 

34. Have you ever gotten the sense that your partner is envious and hateful when you’re happy and successful?

I can’t pinpoint an example. But yes.

35. Does your partner seem happy when you’re in pain?

I would say no. But he definitely did seem to be happier with me when I was deeply depressed. Part of this was likely because I was so passive to his wants and needs, but I also feel like he has this romanticized view of depression. He sees himself as a savior. But he was mad that he couldn’t “make me happy.”

36. Does your partner often comfort you, come to the rescue and ‘play the savior’ for the pain that they themselves caused?

Omg ^^ Not so much anymore though. 

37. Do you find that your partner gives you more negative feedback and criticism about yourself than they do encouragement?

I’m not sure the last time I was encouraged to do something. Maybe last year when I wanted to get on medication, he was very encouraging of that. He continued to encourage it after I decided it wasn’t for me. 

38. Has your partner punished you for making choices independent of their opinion?

Yes. 

39. Have you ever felt limited in your ability to see your loved ones because of your partner?

Yep. Though I can’t entirely blame it all on him--I spent no time with my mom for most of the high school and the entirety of undergrad. I only went home to sleep. 

40. How frequently does your partner call or text you to “check in” when you’re not with them?

I never realized he did this. He’s very needy and can only go so long without attention. Usually, he’ll call me and then one or both of his parents. It never occurred to me that he was checking in because the conversation was always about him, but that would have made sense too. 

41. Has your partner ever coerced you into sexual activities you weren’t comfortable with?

Most of the time lately. I’ve never felt comfortable saying no. When we were younger he would sit and pout and throw a fit and act “bored.” I had to initiate sex. For years he never did. It was always me chasing after him--even if I didn’t want it. If I didn’t ask him, he would get angry and treat me badly. Lately, it was just easier to pay the piper the first time, because if I demurred he would just come back a few hours later, and usually wouldn’t take a no then. At least this way I had some control. He never seemed to care that I was clearly not interested ahead of time, but got mad when I wasn’t enthusiastic during or afterward. 

42. Has your partner ever made you feel guilty for not having sex with them?

Yes.

43. Do you fear leaving your partner, out of the fear that they might harm you or harm themselves?

No. I fear the chaos, badgering, and terrorism.

44. Does your partner discourage you from pursuing dreams or goals that would make you independent of them?

Not so much. I pursued my education and career which is now allowing me to get free of him. I think he just saw it as I would have a good job and could contribute a decent amount of money to the relationship. 

45. How often do you feel like you’re pleading for your partner’s affection or attention?

Never now. But in the past, it was all the time. 

46. How many times has your partner insulted you and made you feel terrible, all while claiming “it was just a joke”?

None that come to mind, but I know it happened. 

47. Have you been told you’re too sensitive when you start setting boundaries with your partner?

Not sensitive. Generally just that I don’t care enough and I’m selfish. 

48. When your partner is acting kind, does it seem out of place with the way they usually act?

Uh not necessarily. He vacillates between kind and pissed so frequently that its just part of his bull shit. 

49. Does your partner treat you tenderly and affectionately one second, only to pull back and coldly withdraw?

Yes, when he wants to he’s affectionate, but when he doesn’t its nothing. 

50. When your partner tells you they love you, do you have a hard time believing them because the way they act is anything but loving?

He hasn’t told me he loves me in over a year when he discarded me. I think this is because he now expects me to tell him first, and then he might say it. That is my responsibility--but I don’t feel that way. I do have a hard time believing him when he talks about wanting to make the relationship work. He just wants me to do shit for him. 

[backwardblackbyrd]

autumn tag game 🍂 Tagged by @luna-canticum and @petticoated-swashbuckler (Which btw I love both of u) The last: 1. drink: water 
2. phone call: My mom!
 3. text message: “and thank u for sending it" I wanted my boyfriend to tell his roommate about queer ghost hunting group. They were communicating with lesbian ghost nuns and I had to share
 4. song you listened to: black me out by against me! 5. time you cried: literally about 2 hours ago, when I read an article about black poets lol 6. dated someone twice: back in high school and like that guy was a piece of shit and now the reason I typically do not date someone twice lol 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uh, I don't think ever actually. Not like, regretting the kiss specifically
 8. been cheated on: not to my knowledge
 9. lost someone special: well. That's a whole thing. Let's not get into it lol
 10. been depressed: oh buddy
 11. got drunk and thrown up: i! Actually haven't thrown up from being drunk before I've been like. Pissy drunk but I otherwise hold my liquor p well 3 favourite colours 12. Purple
13. pink
14. blue in the last year have you 15. made new friends: I think so lol
 16. fallen out of love: lol lets not
 17. laughed until you cried: definitely!
 18. found out someone was talking about you: ya
 19. met someone who changed you: yeaaaa well.
 20. found out who your friends are: uhh, yea I guess. The answer was way less that I thought lol
 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: yes! Quite often! general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I've known everyone on my fb list at one point or another. I hardly talk to any of them anymore tho
 23. do you have any pets: 1 Kenyan sand boa named Artemis, a western hognose named Charlie, and a cat named Jenny.
 24. do you want to change your name: I did when I was little but like. Now that I'm older I'm like??? Change it to what exactly??? I did try going by prince for awhile but hardly anyone actually called me that lol
 25. what did you do for your last birthday: spent p much the whole weekend with my boyfriend. We went for small road trip. It was cute
 26. what time did you wake up: i got to sleep in, I woke up at like 8am. I haven't had many days off in the last two weeks and I typically have to wake up anywhere from 3am to 5am for work so lol
 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: I was very asleep. I was so tired. I sleep so much yesterday like probs 12 hours lmao. Again, I've been working a lot
 28. name something you can’t wait for: Halloween!!!!!!!!! And for my daughter Artie to be done shedding so she'll go back to having her face out all the time
 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: literally like 5 minutes ago
 31. what are you listening to right now: an episode of Queer Ghost Hunters. They're on YouTube look em up
 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: possibly?
 33. something that is getting on your nerves: lol my job, I literally leave so frustrated every time I work
 34. most visited website: tumblr definitely lol with instagram being a close second
 35. hair colour: dark brown
 36. long or short hair: short. I can't keep up with my hair if it's long. I end up with bad cases of depression hair 
 37. do you have a crush on someone: the boyfriend, yes 
 38. what do you like about yourself: I like how much I love my snakes. Reptiles are really often neglected and I'm proud that I give my kids such good care. 
 39. piercings: I have 6 piercings on one ear, my lobe stretched on the same ear, and my conch pierced on the other ear. I also have my septum pierced and my lip technically is still open if I ever felt the urge to wear jewelry in it again
 40. blood type: not a clue, no idea
 41. nickname: i actually don't have one
 42. relationship status: dating!
 43. zodiac: taurus sun, libra moon, and sagittarius rising
 44. pronouns: She/her 
 45. favourite tv show: yikes all my go to tv shows are problematic faves; bojack horseman, it's always sunny in Philly, rich and moaty 46. Tattoos: only one; I got it when I was way too young to be getting tattoos but I love it. It's a clandestine bat like Pete Wentz's over my heart. Everyone always thinks it's batman and I'm like yea that's cool too 
 47. right or left handed: right first 48. surgery: haven't had one yet. Kinda hoping to keep it that way for as long as possible
 49. piercing: ears, I was really young when my mom let me get them, I genuinely don't remember my age 
 50. sport: uhhh I was in the volleyball club in middle school? 
51. vacation: uh mom and I went up to the mountains when I was a kid. I was way too young to appreciate it, I was bored as shit the entire time
 52. pair of trainers: Idek what those are so more general 53. eating: candy that's supposed to be for trick or treaters. Sorry kids 
54. drinking: water, I feel like I answered this already 
 55. i’m about to: finish binge watching queer ghost hunters and then find some other spooky thing to watch 
 56. waiting for: Sweet death, my guy. No, uh idk, the hygrometers I ordered to come?
57. want: to be done with college and to have a better job already
 58. get married: that doesn't interest me
 59. career: one that pays enough money for me to afford being alive and to have my own place and the animals I want to own lmao which is better 60. hugs or kisses: im a Taurus and I have so much Venus energy in my chart, like. Gimme all of it 
 61. lips or eyes: both
 62. shorter or taller: I've dated both and like, it's mostly irrelevant to me
 63. older or younger: very close to my age or older. And by very close I mean like, 1 year, 2 might be pushing it
 64. nice arms or nice stomach: strong arms and a tum is ideal
 65. hook up or relationship: I've always wondered how I'd feel about a hook up, but the reality is I'm a relationship type person.
 66. troublemaker or hesitant: i used to be a trouble maker. My mental health is shot to hell now so I'm much more hesitant than I used to be. Which is. Unfortunate have you ever 67. kissed a stranger: i have wanted to before, but haven't 
 68. drank hard liquor: absolutely, I'm vodka aunt these days
 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: I temporarily lose glasses all the time. I've had one pair permanently lost, I'm p sure I know what happened to them tho
 70. turned someone down: yes lol
 71. sex on the first date: no
 72. broken someone’s heart: yea
 73. had your heart broken: yea but not by anything I didn't cause myself
 74. been arrested: no and let's hope I never do
 75. cried when someone died: yea
 76. fallen for a friend: absolutely. Almost exlcusively do you believe in 77. yourself: sometimes. Not as much as I ever have, but definitely more than when I was like, in grade school
 78. miracles: yea
 79. love at first sight: Nah
 80. santa claus: no
 81. kiss on the first date: yes lmao 
 82. angels: they don't fit into my personal belief system but I know they're real for other folks other 83. current best friend’s name: Allyson! 
 84. eye colour: like, mine? Brown
 85. favourite movie: under the red hood, and kikis delivery service @jasoncorpsedotcom and @sacredheartssclub and @automaticmachinetangerine and @volantamasis only if y'all wanna! It's long so I understand if not lol also p much any of my mutual support are welcome to say I tagged them if they wanna do this :)

[kristallioness]

A few days late, but as promised, I'm finally answering this. Thanks goes to @hailkuvira and @mindatworkk for tagging me! ^_^

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Forest berry (including strawberry, raspberry and blueberry) flavoured Nestea, yum! A new brand of Nestea that I bought for the first time this weekend. Reminds me of regular berry juice. 2. Phone call: My mother. 3. Text message: Does the messenger on Facebook count? Cause then it'd be a chat about how we're doing with my former classmate, K.H. 4. Song you listened to: "Stay" by Hurts, their last song during the concert at Õllesummer. 5. Time you cried: Last week during a senseless row, after which everybody made up.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Not yet. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No. 8. Been cheated on: No. 9. Lost someone special: Yes, of course - a close family member, a schoolmate from our parallel class, famous Estonians who were and continue to be close to our hearts. 10. Been depressed: I haven't had depression (as in the mental illness that needs medical attention), but I've been through some hard times, sure. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No, and this is something I'm proud of. I've never been drunk and intend to keep it that way because I simply don't like alcohol.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Red, blue, black (black especially when it concerns clothing because it makes me look thinner).

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes. 16. Fallen out of love: No. 17. Laughed until you cried: Definitely, many times! Most likely while watching/reading something funny. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't think so. 19. Met someone who changed you: Again, I don't think I've changed. 20. Found out who your friends are: I've always known who they are. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them I believe, since I don't have many friends and I don't add random strangers who I know nothing about. 23. Do you have any pets: No. I wanted to get a dog or a parrot when I was a little girl though, so whenever we passed our local pet store, my mom and I would go inside to look at those pretty colourful birds in the cages on sale.

24. Do you want to change your name: Definitely not, because it's really beautiful (for a reason)! I'm worried that my future husband and I would have a serious talk about which surname would stay, ha-ha! (Nah, I'm always ready to discuss our options.) 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Just stayed home with my parents, ate some special cake and enjoyed my day.. Wait, WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING!? It was another Kataang Week, for goodness' sake! I was busy participating and browsing through the quality content! 26. What time did you wake up: Today, around 2:45 pm. Just in time to see the start of the Formula 1 Austrian GP. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Putting away most of the stuff I brought home from my rented apartment/bought yesterday. 28. Name something you can't wait for: Umm.. Kataang Week (+ my birthday) in two weeks? Also, the first part of "Turf Wars" coming out soon. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She's sleeping in the bedroom, so an hour ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: If I were younger, I would've answered by listing a dozen things. But honestly, nothing, because then it wouldn't be my life. I've learned to accept things as they are and that I can only change them when I do something about it. 31. What are you listening right now: Nothing. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I.. think.. not. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The state of the world, the current American President, minorities not being taken seriously (such as the LGBTQ+ community and their human rights; smaller countries and their people not being respected like the bigger ones - what Jean-Claude Juncker said when Malta was handing over the presidency to Estonia in the European Union last week), politicians provoking unnecessary xenophobia or hate towards refugees (the EKRE party in Estonia - gosh, I HATE THESE MORONS!), the political situations in many countries, how our certain neighbour is trying to restore its former glory by occupying small parts of its neighbouring countries (one by one) and we're all LETTING IT HAPPEN IN THE FRICKING 21ST CENTURY!.. Politics in general. 34. Most visited website: Ooh! I have so many: Gmail, Facebook, Neopets, YouTube, Tumblr...

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: I have quite many all over my skin. 36. Mark/s: I have my dad's birthmark on the inside of my right thigh. 37. Childhood dream: To become a doctor. 38. Haircolor: Blonde. 39. Long or short hair: Long, very long. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: No. 41. What do you like about yourself: That I'm well-educated and intelligent, I worked really hard to get a gold medal and graduate with straight A's during secondary school. 42. Piercings: None, and I have no intention of letting any be done. 43. Bloodtype: A+, I think? Definitely A. 44. Nickname: Don't have any. 45. Relationship status: Single. 46. Zodiac: Leo. 47. Pronouns: She/her. 48. Favorite TV show: "Avatar: The Last Airbender". 49. Tattoos: None (yet). 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Twice - to have my adenoids and tonsils removed. 52. Hair dyed in different color: No. 53. Sport: Chess (I've won a trophy, 5 gold, 3 silver and 1 bronze medal from tournaments). 54. (question wasn't here) 55. Vacation: I always looked forward to my summer vacations during school/university. 56. Pair of trainers: Black and white Nike ones, though I have a few more in the cupboards.

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I try to vary my menu, but recently it goes like: main dish, fruit and dessert along with milk, juice and tea. 58. Drinking: Anything non-alcoholic. 59. I'm about to: Finish answering these questions. 62. Want: To find a job, finish my WIPs. 63. Get married: I hope I will in the future. 64. Career: An IT-specialist, my second choice will always be a doctor.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: Any height is okay. Though when it concerns me, then I've always liked that I'm much taller than most of my friends. Also, it gives me the advantage to seem more threatening. 68. Older or younger: Umm, both are okay? 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Probably arms. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Nope, already covered that earlier.. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: It's not even possible because I don't wear any. 77. Turned someone down: Yes. 78. Sex on the first date: No. 79. Broken someone's heart: I'm not sure.. Maybe unintentionally? 80. Had your heart broken: Yes. 81. Been arrested: No. 82. Cried when someone died: Yes. 83. Fallen for a friend: Without him knowing and me getting over those mixed feelings - once.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Yes. 85. Miracles: I suppose in a way, yes. 86. Love at first sight: Yes. 87. Santa Claus: Yes, because I know there is a person like that who lives very near - in Lapland, Finland! 88. Kiss on the first date: Is this really something to believe in? If two people really match so well or have known each other for a long time before even going out on a date, then yes, it could happen.

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: I don't think I have a best friend (just a lot of close friends), but the girl I met during 1st grade and who was my main deskmate during school throughout the years - J.K. 91. Eyecolor: Light greyish blue. 92. Favorite movie: There are so many! Mostly I like cheesy romantic comedies, plain comedies, good dramas or cartoons. How about "Cars" since its 3rd part is coming out in Estonian movie theatres on my birthday this July? (And yes, I'm thinking of going to see it as a birthday present.)

Tagging: @aconfusionoffandoms @cassidy-alice @chel-burr @cutiecount3 @erinchaaaa @eskalations @feelz-this-moment @interessantisanders @iroh-is-god @jinoras-light @jooliescorner @kataracy @kyeshirosaki @letthepickaxedothetalking @nautiscarader @obbsessedturtle @reducetoabsurdness @satanonatoilet @snotpup @teammeganftw

(Btw, questions 54, 60, 61, 69 and 89 are missing!)

[tigerlilynoh]

meme/tag game

tagged by: @wingslovesfiction rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people... but 20 feels like a lot tagging: I can never remember who actually enjoys these tag games.  I’m gonna try @sabath68 @mskatthestrange @capricorn-child @superfuckingextra @cheshirehuntergirl @invincibella @spangelbanger @krypter-krypter  If you like doing meme/tag games and I didn’t tag you let me know and I’ll try to remember to tag you going forward.

(I wrote these answers a few days ago, but this was the first time I was able to get to a computer.)

the last 1. drink: a barrel aged Martinez cocktail 2. phone call: a call for work 3. text message: Suggesting to my husband that my perfect my perfect Maui vacation might be "Eating fresh papaya & mango while listening to the nerd-sexy voice of Grover Gardener telling us cool shit." 4. song you listened to: Tthhee Ppaarrttyy by Justice (it's one of my writing themes for Stacy Chen from the Uncomfortable Adventures of Sam in Law School series).

5. time you cried: about 10 days ago.  My thyroid levels were off, which made one of my semiannual depressive periods manifest outwardly. 6. dated someone twice: I've been dating my husband for almost twelve years. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: never. 8. been cheated on: never. 9. lost someone special: my classmate & friend who is/was one of the main inspirations for Sam in UASLS. 10. been depressed: a week ago I got out of a roughly month long depressive period 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: a little over a year ago.  It was the most drunk I've ever been and since then I've been a one drink kinda girl.

3 favorite colors 12. Red 13. Purple 14. Black

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: no.  I've never fallen out of love with anyone, friend or lover, though I have practiced self-preservation through distance. 17. laughed until you cried: yes.  I laugh until I cry & snort at least once a week.  I keep humorous company and I love absurdity. 18. found out someone was talking about you: negatively?  no. 19. met someone who changed you: yes, at least I hope so. 20. found out who your friends are: I can't tell if this is a positive or negative.  I've had a lot of friends reaffirm themselves to me in the last year. 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: About three of them.

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them except for my international gishwhes teammates and a spn fandom friend. 23. do you have any pets: not currently 24. do you want to change your name: no, I really like my name. 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I had a fucking final exam, then went out on a dinner date with my husband. 26. what time did you wake up: too early no matter the hour 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Playing the computer game Don't Starve Together with my husband. 28. name something you can’t wait for: In December I'll be done with 4.5 years of law school (taken in the evenings after work) and then in February I'll take the bar exam.  I'm super looking forward to having this long 5 years over with. 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: this morning 31. what are you listening to right now: Chamberlain's defense of Little Round Top in the movie Gettysburg (1993).  My husband & I are celebrating the anniversary of the battle with cocktails & the movie.  I'm a minor American Civil War buff. 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Not as far as I can remember. 33. something that is getting on your nerves: The current state of the world and also my health. 34. most visited website: AO3, Facebook, & Tumblr. 35. hair colour: My hair is naturally dark brown, but I dye it every 6-8 weeks.  It's currently platinum blonde/silver. 36. long or short hair: 100% short.  The shorter the better.  The only reason I didn't stick with a buzz was because I was a bit too androgynous for my husband.  (He's very understanding/supportive of me being genderqueer, but I try to accommodate his heterosexuality in this respect.) 37. do you have a crush on someone: Maybe?  I find a lot of my friends attractive because I'm attracted to personality, but that being said I'm completely in love with/devoted to my husband.  He's the Sam to my Job & Family Ruby. 38. what do you like about yourself: I used to prize my intelligence the most, but as I've grown older I think resilience might be more important.  I like that I generally exist in the intersection of positivity & pragmatism. 39. piercings: three piercings on my ears.  I'd like to get my septum pierced, but I can't for medical reasons. 40. blood type: AB+ 41. nickname:  Love (my husband & my pet names for each other) and Echidna (it a slant rhyme with a mispronunciation of my name). 42. relationship status: Married (for 5 years) 43. zodiac: Sagittarius & rabbit 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show:  Supernatural (big surprise) and Star Trek 46. tattoos: not yet, but I'm casually designing a tribute tattoo for my late mother-in-law 47. right or left handed: right. 48. surgery: Five so far. 1x full spinal fusion, 3x gastrointestinal (a three part non-laparoscopic colectomy), 1x sinus. 49. piercing: The question seems duplicative 50. sport: I'm not really prone to sports since my Graves Disease makes my pulse jumpy.  The closest thing is billiards (mostly pool).  My grandpa was great at it and took pride in turning his innocent little granddaughter into a shark.  I don't practice nearly enough anymore, but I used consistently pull off trick shots & combinations, and could run the table on good days. 51. vacation: I'm perfectly happy to spend my free time relaxing at home, but my next vacation is going to be New Orleans. 52. pair of trainers: I don't exercise, so I don't have trainers.  I mostly wear black combat style boots or sandals. 53. eating: Pickled deviled eggs, salt & vinegar chips, & sea salt caramel macarons. 54. drinking: I've been working on this so long I've now most recently had water. 55. i’m about to:  I'll probably work on the next four episodes of UASLS as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. 56. waiting for:  In two weeks I can redo my blood labs and find out how my new antithyroid meds are doing.  I'm particularly eager for this because the new meds can cause a whole host of serious problems and I want to make sure my liver, platelets, white blood cell count are all holding steady.  I feel like a hypochondriac every time I sit in yellow light, bruise, or cough nowadays. 57. want: To have a kid when I finish school, but that's a whole long messy situation with my health problems. 58. get married: I already am. 59. career: I'd like to be a transactional attorney for a municipality by day and write in my spare time. 60. hugs or kisses: A kiss for passion, an embrace for love. 61. lips or eyes: Eyes tell more than lips ever could. 62. shorter or taller: I'm somewhere between short & average and I have no physical preference for partners. 63. older or younger: I don't understand the question, but I don't have opinions on age anyway. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: No physical preference for partners. 65. hook up or relationship: Relationship. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: I don't like trouble.

have you ever 67. kissed a stranger: No. 68. drank hard liquor: Yes, moutai & aquavit are my go to hard liquors. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: No. 70. turned someone down: Romantically?  No, but I've only been asked out by three people. 71. sex on the first date: No. 72. broken someone’s heart: I broke up with both of my previous boyfriends.  I'm still good friends with one. 73. had your heart broken: My heart broke a little bit when I broke up with my first boyfriend.  No regrets though. 74. been arrested: No. 75. cried when someone died: Every time. 76. fallen for a friend: Ever time I've fallen.

do you believe in 77. yourself: Yes, despite the whispers of doubt & depression- but I know the sound of their voices from my own. 78. miracles: Not in some metaphysical sense, but I believe in improbable occurrences. 79. love at first sight: No. 80. santa claus: Not even as a child. 81. kiss on the first date: Whatever floats your boat. 82. angels: I don't believe in supernatural or metaphysical things.

other 83. current best friend’s name: I'm not posting my husband's name, but I assure you both of our names would fit in some regency era romantic novel. 84. eye color: blue/green/grey 85. favorite movie: too many to choose from: Hero, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Snatch, Shadow of a Doubt, For a Few Dollars More, Infernal Affairs

[onepumpofsyrup]

92 Truths Tag

So I saw in my notifications that I’d been tagged in something, and of course I assumed it was @spamano4ever tagging me in something rude. But nope! I was pleasantly surprised to be tagged by @kpopfanticscenarios

Rules: You must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people...I’m only doing 9, cause I’m still kind of new to tumblr.

THE LAST 1.Drink: Cream Soda, that turned into a slush somehow as soon as I opened it.

2.Phone call: @onehoe-twohoe-threehoe-mehoe I hung up on them.

3.Text message: Myself, I was working on my next text series.

4.Song you listened to: Uhhh, does the sound track to Ocarina of Time count? Cause I’m playing that right now.

5.Time you cried: 1 week ago. My campus lost electricity and I was packing up stuff in my room to stay at a friends around midnight and I had a panic attack on the stairs in front of some poor campus security officer. Sorry for worrying you dude. Hope your night went well.

6.Dated someone twice: Nope. Once I’m gone, I’m gone.

7. Been Cheated on: Ehh, kinda, not really, I left the relationship before it could become some heavy cheating.

8.Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh yeah. 

9.Lost someone special: Haven’t we all? 

10.Been depressed: I had a really rough year last year, but I was never diagnosed with depression, but I did start seeing a therapist and I’ve been much better since.  

11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope! I’m 21 so I could, but because I’m cursed with a baby face no one ever believes I’m 21 and I’ve been accused of having a fake i.d. so I just find it easier not to drink. I also live on a dry campus sooooooooo, not much alcohol to find. 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Baby Blue 2: Rose 3: Peach

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 

15.Made new friends: I’m always making new friends. I’m collecting a small army. 

16.Fallen out of love: Uhh, I don’t think I’ve ever been really IN love. But I did get out of a long relationship this year.

17.Laughed until you cried: @spamano4ever and I are always crying when we laugh

18.Found out someone was talking about you: Yeeeeaaahhhhh, but ya know, I try not to think about that. It’s negative and sticks with you for too long. 

19.Met someone who changed you: Yes, in highschool I was really outgoing and friends with everyone but in college I made friends with this one girl who kind of turned me into this shy scared girl. But then she left for study abroad and while she was gone I reblossomed, when she came back I realized how toxic our relationship was and ended the friendship. I’ve been really happy and outgoing again since. I really missed me during my friendship with her.

20.Found out who your true friends are: Yes, the experience I just talked about showed me who was really there to raise me up and not put me down.

21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: A few. :) 

GENERAL… 

22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them, except a few that my brother is in the Marines with.

23.Do you have any pets: 1 doggo!

24.Do you want to change your name: Oh yeah, a lot of the time. I’m I love my name, but I’ve been teased a lot for it. My brother and I both have biblical names, except the ones chosen are the bibles most known couple, so we’ve gotten a lot of incest jokes. Gross.

25.What did you do for your last birthday: I was stuck on a beach for a few hours because there was a court house shooting a block away. Great way to celebrate my 21st birthday, with death.

26.What time did you wake up: 9:30 am

27.What were you doing at midnight last night: Listening to my neighbors get yelled at by the Hall Director for playing music way too loud during quiet hours. I may or may not have been the one to complain. 

28.Name something you cannot wait for: Be finished with an 8 page lit. crit. paper

29.When was the last time you saw your mother: Uhhhhhhhhhh, 2 weeks ago, I think?

30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I’d make it so I’d be rich enough to afford a single dorm room and not have to work a full time summer job.

31.What are you listening to right now: Ocarina of Time Water Temple’s sound track.

32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, my uncle.

33.Something that is getting on your nerves: My ex roommate keeps sweeping her trash out of her dorm room and into my friends, this includes trash, and dirt, it’s so rude. 

34.Most visited website: Youtube

35.Elementary: Yeah, way past that.

36, High School: Forgotten by now.

37.College: Finishing my 3rd year.

38.Hair color: Light Brown

39.Long or short hair: Short

40.Do you have a crush on someone: Yep! And he’ll never notice me. @spamano4ever keeps trying to help but my ass is too stubborn. 

41.What do you like about yourself: Mostly everything. I’m a pretty confident individual 

42.Piercings: Just ears. 

43.Blood type: A +

44.Nickname: Hurricane, Mare, M.E.

45.Relationship status: Single Mother to many college kiddo’s 

46.Zodiac sign: Cancer

47.Pronouns: She/her

48.Favorite tv show: Golden Girls 

49.Tattoos: Nada

50.Right or left hand: Right

FIRST…

51.Surgery: On my legs, I was in 1st grade.

52.Piercing: Ears.

54.Sport: Uhh, I never sported. I was in marching band.

55.Vacation: Florida, in 6th grade. 

56.Pair of trainers: Too Fabulous for that. 

MORE GENERAL…

57.Eating: Nothing

58.Drinking: Cream Soda

59.I’m about to: Get lost in the Water Temple on Ocarina of Time

61.Waiting for: This semester to end. 

62.Want: That guy to notice me

63.Get married: Please!

64.Career: Librarian

WHICH IS BETTER… 

65.Hugs or kisses: Why not both? 

66.Lips or eyes: Lips

67.Shorter or taller: Please taller than me. I’m 4′11

68.Older or younger: Doesn’t matter. 

70.Nice arms or nice stomach: Ooooo, tummy! 

71.Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, cause I’m fucking loud as all balls. 

72.Hook up or relationship: Relationship, not a hook up person. Too shy. 

73.Troublemaker or hesitant: If friends are around, trouble maker, along, hesitant, especially with guys. 

HAVE YOU EVER… 

74.Kissed a stranger?: Nope! I’m a germaphobe 

75.Drank hard liquor? : Yes.

76.Lost glasses contact/lenses? : Both, glasses all the time.

77.Turned someone down?: Yes, pretty often. People are interested in me, I’m not in them. I’m also really suspicious, so if you slide in my DM’s I’m already judging your motives.

78.Sex on first date?: Na son. 

79.Broken someone’s heart?: Every guy I’ve dated and turned down. #neverbeendumped

80.Had your heart broken?: No

81.Been arrested?: I wish.

82.Cried when someone died?: Yep.

83.Fallen for a friend?: Yes, still into him, would still date him. But I haven’t seen him in 3 years sooooooooo.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84.Yourself?: TOO CONFIDENT NOT TOO

85.Miracles?: GIVE THEM ALL TO ME

86.Love at first sight?: KIND OF YES

87.Santa Claus?: IF HE BRINGS ME SOME COOL ASS GIFTS THEN SURE

88.Kiss on the first date?: AS LONG AS YOU DON’T HAVE NO WEIRD ASS GERMS 

89.Angels?: HAVE YOU SEEN SUPERNATURAL? KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME...unless they trying to protect me then please stay close. 

  OTHER…. 

90.Current best friend’s name: @spamano4ever and @onehoe-twohoe-threehoe-mehoe, and my bestie through my school years. 

91.Eye color: Blue

92. Favorite movie: Princess Bride 

Who ta tag, who ta tag....

@spamano4ever, @onehoe-twohoe-threehoe-mehoe, @oppafeels, @jungkookfortunekookies, @suga-daddy-69, @chronicfangirling @blacklioness15, @okey-dokey-hoe

[hell-and-pepsi]

what is a tagged can you eat it

I guess I was tagged by @ilwinsgarden ? That was a surprise, people don’t tag me in stuff too often, thank you very much!

Rules: Answer all the questions, then add one of your own, and tag as many people as there are questions

1) Coke or Pepsi? I never drank coke in my life. I tried Pepsi once so I guess Pepsi.

2) Disney or Dreamworks? I’d say Dreamworks, especially since my brother is a huge fan of How to Train your Dragon

3) Coffee or Tea? Tea, in all forms and quantities - from a cheap-arse tea bag put in a bucket of hot water to exquisite brands prepared by the rules of the Chinese traditional tea ceremonies

4) Books or movies? First read the book, then watch the movie based on it. Never vice versa (except if the book is really crappy compared to the movie)

5) Windows or mac? Windows! Also doors. Illuminators. Ceiling lights. Ventilation vents. If you can punch a hole through a wall, that’s nice too.

6) D.C. or Marvel? Not a fan of either.

7) Xbox or PlayStation? Never had neither of them.

8) Dragon age or mass effect? I never played neither of them and I don’t even have friends that played any of these :(

9) Night owl or early riser? Early riser. If you can manage to, which doesn’t happen to often to me unfortunately.

10) Cards or chess? I can barely play any card games, I don’t even know the names of the card suits in Russian (but I know them perfectly in English because Homestuck.) So chess, even though I haven’t played chess either in a very long time.

11) Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate any time.

12) Vans or converse? I don’t care much for fashion so either is fine

13) Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar? Low Sorbian? Volapük? Or are those not weird language names?

14) Fluff or angst? Both. Both is good. 

15) Beach or forest? Um. Have you looked at my username. Well, I guess you should just look at it again

16) Dogs or cats? Cats! Especially my cat, Sebastian. Though dogs are cool as well.

17) Clear skies or rain? Clear sky! I am basically a reverse vampire, I can’t live without a blue sky and a bright sun up above. Also, stars at night *_*

18) Cooking or eating out? I’m broke, so cooking.

19) Spicy or mild food? I like spicy. But honestly, it all depends on the ability of the cook. Mild food can be very tasty too if done right.

20) Halloween/Samhain or solstice/yule/Christmas? @ilwinsgarden while answering this question said that they don’t celebrate Hallowe’en in Czech Republic and I relate - we don’t celebrate it in Russia as well save for the occasional shop sell. 

But here we go even more extreme - we don’t celebrate Christmas either! In the Soviet times the main winter celebration shifted to New Year’s Eve, and that’s what we celebrate mainly up to this day. Christmas is a religious holiday solely, and moreover, because Russia is mainly an Orthodox Christian country and not a Prothestantic/Catholic/Anglican one, we celebrate Christmas two weeks later than Catholics (January the 7th).

Actually, even putting cultural differences aside, I don’t like the themes of both holidays. The modern media has generalized and cheapened them so that Hallowe’en is merely pumpkin spice and costumes instead of being a spiritual day, and Christmas is merely presents and trees instead of an important Christian milestone. I guess I enjoy Christmas a little bit more.

21) Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? Uhhh, that’s a tough one! But I am actually often a little too cold (including today), so if I choose a little too hot perhaps it can cancel it out? :D

22) If you could have a superpower what would it be? There are so many choices! Super intellengence would be helpful. Teleportation would allow me to travel anywhere in the world for free. If I could create plant life or accelerate its speed of growth, I could end famine.

23) Animation or live action? Both have their perks. Currently I’m more invested in animation, but I would really like to explore live action movies and even create ones myself.

24) Paragon or renegade? Okay, so I learnt a new English word today! Paragon, huh. And as much as I love the sound of that word I choose renegade. I’m a rebel by nature.

25) Bath or shower? Showers are cooler and more eco-friendly, but when you’re tired all you want is a nice hot bath. So both once again, depending on your state.

26) Team Cap or team Ironman? Like I said above, I’m not a fan of Marvel.

27) Fantasy or sci-fi? Don’t make me choose like this! But when I was younger I definitely enjoyed sci-fi more, and I know there’s still a lot of classic authors for me to explore.

28) Do you have 3 or 4 favorite quotes if so what are they? Oh boy, you came for a treat. “Fears are caused by a lack of understanding. And in the world we live in, you have unlimited information out there. There’s no reason you should be afraid of anything”  - Ethoslab, my most favourite Youtuber and Minecrafter ever. I don’t remember the exact episode, but I believe it was in his Let’s Play series around 390-410 ish, when he was building Sandy City.

“I mean, I know you want it to stay pleasant around here, but — there are so many things … that are so much better. Like silly, or sexy, or dangerous … or brave. And every one of those things is in you all the time, if you just have the guts to look for them.”  - Bud Parker, from the movie Pleasantville. Go watch it. It’s a true piece of art. I watched it in my English class in detail and it was absolutely delightful and amazing and so, so true.

“I never let school interfere with my education.”  - (incorrect, I think) Mark Twain. Sums my feeling about school perfectly.

“Every moment is the moment, and everything you lose, you lose forever.”  - my teacher. He told us once to remember this saying very carefully, even if we don’t understand it fully, because there may come a time where it will be very, very true for us. It is one of those quotes that you do not memorize, but which memorizes you instead.

29) YouTube or Netflix? I don’t have a Netflix account and I don’t even know whether the site is available in my country. But I spend endless hours on Youtube.

30) Harry Potter or Percy Jackson? Look at my nickname and my avatar yet again... plus I never quite got into Percy Jackson. I think I only read one book. Its fans make cool fanart though, with many different ships.

31) When do you feel accomplished? When I do something that’s supposed to be “in my field” and I do excellent on it. Also, contrariwise, when I have to go through something I’m scared or unexperienced to do and perform well.

32) Star Wars or Star Trek? Okay, please don’t kill me for this, but I never watched a Star Wars movie in my life. I also didn’t watch Star Trek, but I relate to it a little bit more because I’m a fan of Doctor Who which is a show from the same time. Plus Star Trek is responsible for a lot of modern sci-fi tropes, its fans started the modern fanfiction culture (including the concept of shipping), and it’s a historical and innovative piece in general.

33) Paperback books or hardcover books? I don’t have a strong opinion of this, and I read books online mostly nowadays. In my experience, different kinds of books are more prone to being in a hardcover or in paperback. Both of those types can be very enjoyable.

34) Fantastic beasts or Cursed child? Seen/read neither. (I feel so ignorant while answering those... haven’t seen that, haven’t read that...) But from what I saw and heard, especially from my little brother, Cursed Child is a hectic fanfiction piece somehow gone canon (and Rowling had barely to do with it anyway) and Fantastic Beasts is, well, a fantastic piece of work. Also Americans got their own Potter movie. (like A Very Potter musical wasn’t enough)

35) Rock or pop music? My music taste is dictated by artist, not style. That being said, nowadays I have more favourites in pop than rock.

36) What is the most important thing in your life? Keeping close to my principles/morals. Expressing those principles and morals in one way or another, because I find it something important to show to other people. Trying to help the people I call my friends. Trying to make sense in this big mess of things we call the world.

37) Mountains or sea/ocean? Tough question again! But I guess I’ve been to the sea like, thrice in my life, and never been to the mountains, so sea/ocean.

38) How do you express yourself? Mostly in words and sometimes in action. But my ultimate goal is to create content through which I could successfully express my view of the world.

39) What’s the first book/film that really counted to you? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. When I was little I never cried at books at movies. But there was something in chapter 34 (where Harry has learn the truth about himself and goes to the Forbidden Forest to be killed by Voldemort) that made me shed my very first tear. The name of the chapter was The Forest Again, so, well, you can see how big of an impact it was for me.

40) What’s your element (air, water, etc.)? I want to be the Avatar! :D But seriously, I can’t really choose. By my star sign, Leo, it’s fire.

41) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Is “everywhere” an option?

42) If you had any job in the world, what would it be? A teacher in a school that is actually a good school. Not that those exist. Or a cartoon/anime/movie director/screenwriter.

43) If you were granted three wishes, what would they be? I guess all unlimited wishes hacks are banned, so:

1) World piece 2) Unlimited food to end world famine 3) Unlimited eco-friendly power source to end (most of) the world’s ecological problems.

44) If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza! Because you can put anything on a pizza.

45) What’s currently the most pressing issue on your mind, and what’s stopping you from fixing it? Is “everything” an option” [2]? But seriously, it’s probably my unpreparement for the uncoming exams and the search for my future career. The first one is caused by just lazyness and the boringness/objective unimportance of the exams, and the second time always takes time, naturally. So they are pressing, but at the same time I don’t worry too much at “failing” them.

46) What is your dream companion animal? A cat! Or a cool bird, like a jay or an oreole.

47) Raptors or songbirds? Raptor songbirds. Just imagine.

48) Do you think there is life on other planets in universe? “Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. “ Arthur C. Clarke sums my opinion on this pretty welI

Woah, that’s a lot of questions! It also took me a lot of time to answer them, it’s super late for me now. Here’s my question:

49: If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, what would be some of the things that you do?

And I can’t possibly tag 49 people, so here’s just some: @polyglotplatypus, @kuufox, @artisticprotector, @cultureklub, @crap-iccioso,  @glannniglaepur, @stefan-stefansson, @moonpaw17, @klavierr, @antialiasis, @johannesviii and basically anyone else who wants to do this. And if you don’t want to do it, of course you’re not obliged in any way. @ilwinsgarden thank you so much for tagging me once again!

[theultravioletcatastrophe]

Heya, new followers! You may have noticed that I like to post those ask meme thingies (and I like to ask people stuff when they post them too!). Occasionally I come across an interesting one, but it’s way too long to want to bother with posting (not only because it clogs up your dash, but because I don’t wanna make you pick from this giant list). So, I do what I always do and just go ahead and answer every question anyway, all in one post! It’s below the break.

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? "...what the FUCK did we do?" (the last person I texted was my dad lol)

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? We're married, mostly.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? As long as they weren't actively causing themselves harm, absolutely not.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? Yep.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober. I don't really get drunk anymore.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Yes.

7. What does your last received text say? "Ok thanx" (again, my dad)

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Infinity billion times.

9. Where was your last kiss at? On our bed.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? I don't have a sister ;_; (although I do have a friend who is like a sister) (but I haven't seen her in a long time) ;_;

11. What do you drink in the morning? Water, mostly. Sometimes I'll make coffee when I get to work.

12. Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard? Yes. Fulfilling, worth it, but hard.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Not really. #liveinthemoment #noragrets

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Yes, namely, why are we locked in a room, how do we get out, and who locked us in here, anyway?

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Depends on my mood. I generally prefer sunny days but sometimes you just want the sky to cry for you, y'know?

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Nope.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Pajama pants, since I’m going to bed soon.

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? Yes.

20. Does anyone like you? :)

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? I... think so?

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? Maybe a little bit. Definitely less gay than me, and I'm only like 15% gay, so

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? Not anymore. Not anymore...

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? Yes! However I am so good at procrastinating that I've never gotten around to actually designing what I want. One of these days soon.

25. In the past week have you cried? Crying is, at *minimum*, a weekly occurrance for me.

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? I'unno, mutt? He's got some black lab, some German shepherd, some husky, and who knows what else in him.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? In the shower. I hate stepping out of the shower when I'm wet.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Nope.

29. Do you think you’re old? Sometimes.

30. Do you like text messaging? Yes! It's super useful and after having resisted getting a cell phone for so long, I can't believe I've ever lived without it.

31. What type of day are you having? Okay. Not awful but not great. Just okay.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Nah, not my style.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm, absolutely, 100%. Fuck winter lol

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Many.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? I mean, both are fun. It depends on the person, I guess.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Hmm, I'll take the diplomatic answer and say that I'm both at certain times.

37. What song are you listening to? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zbu9KkTHkc

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? Yes. If I don't mean it, I don't say it.

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? She's not really a "girl" but yeah.

40. What made you start liking the person you like now? "The person you like now" hahaha okay sure I'll pick one of those people (lol in all seriousness I'm guessing this would refer to my wife and it was our mutual love of anime that first brought us together)

41. When did you last receive a text message? Uh, about 3 hours ago, I guess.

42. What is wrong with you right now? The Anxiety™

43. How well do you know the last female you texted? Like I've lived with her for the past 10 years :P

44. Does anyone disgust you? ...quite a few people actually.

45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? I would love to, but I am in fact in a monogamous relationship with someone right now so I'd have to respectfully decline. The gesture would be deeply appreciated and warmly received, however.

46. Are you in a good mood right now? Yes! I had a nice chat with a new friend on here earlier and I'm happy. ^_^

47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My wife, just before she went to bed.

48. What color shirt are you wearing? Black with purple screen-printing on it (it’s my “do it for Planeptune” shirt, toldja I’d never take it off).

49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? I hear that kinda stuff a lot.

50. Anyone you’re giving up on? No? I don't think I understand this question.

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Of course not, I love her. Always will.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? No...?

53. Do you like rain? Yes! (finally a plain and simple question)

54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Not unless it's to excess.

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Oh god, so many.

56. Do you like to cuddle? Yes!

57. Are you shy? Yes!

58. Do you get along with girls? I try my best. I get along better with girls than I do with guys though.

59. Have you dated the person you texted last? LOL no (see above for why)

60. What do you carry with you at all times? My phone. Except when I forget it at home haha.

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? WHERE THE FUCK DO I SIGN UP

62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? Going on 15 years now, so yeah :)

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Yep.

64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? Of course.

65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? What's with the quotes? I mean, I've been playing Neptunia games lately, and they are cute as hell, so if that counts then yeah. Also I've been watching Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid which is ridiculously cute too.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? The last THREE people I kissed, eh? Hmmm... my wife is 33, my daughter is 3, and... who the hell is the third-last person I kissed? Probably my mother-in-law who is I think 61.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?   Depends on what's getting done, I guess. Basic upkeep I'd prefer to do myself, but something fancy I'd want someone else to do.  

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?     Ew, neither.

69. Do you have any stickers on your car?     Not yet, no.

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?   I have no idea who Luke Bryan is but I get the feeling that either of these choices are awful and I'd rather just have silence.  

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?     iPhone.

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?     YEARS ago.

73. Do you like diet soda?     Hell no.

74. What color are the walls in your room?     In this room, they're white; in my bedroom they're a sort of yellowish colour.

75. Are you 16 or older?     I'm twice that plus 1.

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?     Nope.

77. Do you have a job?     Yep.

78. What are your initials?     E_F (my middle name is a secret hehe)

79. Did you ever have braces?     No, and I wish I did, because maybe then my bottom incisors wouldn't be so fucked up.

80. Are you from the south?     Noooooo.

81. What does your last status on facebook say?     Hell if I know, haha, I don't use Facebook much.

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?     You expect me to remember who that is? Ah hell, it was probably my mom, and no, I don't talk to her anymore (she died last year).

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?     I was definitely closer to my mom.

84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   Not unless you count taking my daughter to gymnastics :P

85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?     Moana! IN THREE DEE!

86. Do you smoke?     Smoke what ;)

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?     Flip flops. NOBODY should wear heels.

88. Is your phone touch screen?     I would be astonished if someone said "no" to this one.

89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?     My hair is the only straight thing about me *rim shot*

90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?     Many times.

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?   I've never actually swam in a river before! Of the remaining two options, I prefer a lake.

92. Have you ever made out in a car?     Probably.

93. …Had sex in a car?     Nope.

94. Are you single or in a relationship?     Married.

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?     Playing Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth2.

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?     ...you know, it was quite a while ago. Years ago. Hmm. :(

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?     It's decent, I wish it had native options for controlling exposure and aperture and stuff.

98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Nope. I mean, my wife is my best friend, so does that count? Probably not.  

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?   No! I have never blacked out or passed out from drinking. I hate getting that drunk.  

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?     Nah, I don't really hate anyone.

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?     Nope.

102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   Any of the ones where her voice doesn't sound like garbage under layers of more garbage.  

103. Do you have any tan lines right now?     I doubt it, the sun hasn't been strong enough to get a tan in months.

104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? I would never wear cowboy boots.

[xannmariefmx]

5/6/20

Dear Diary, Because of counseling, I have been driven to start writing through my problems, memories, and traumas. An hour once a week or lately every two weeks is just not enough for me to make any progress. Today my counselor and I talked about my older brother Luke who is living with me, my friends Hannah and Becca, and trauma I suffered mostly at the hands of my former stepmother Lori and my dad Loren. We also discussed some of my younger brother Remington's current situation. I'd like to introduce myself because I intend to make this a public diary and I plan to be as raw and honest as possible. My name is Ann Marie. I'm 27 years old. I live in Kansas born and raised. I'm married without children. I have been married to my husband Nathan for 5 years and in my current relationship for almost 8 years. I'm unemployed and my husband and I live together with my mom Diane, which I will touch on later why we live together. I come from a family of divorce. My parents divorced in 1995 when I was 2 years old. I am the youngest of 3 siblings from that marriage. My oldest brother is Luke and he is 37 years old. My older sister is Desiree and she is 34. I have a younger half brother Remington who is 18 and is from my Dad's 3rd marriage. I have a slew of health problems also. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Type 2 Diabetes, Mild Sleep Apnea, knee issues, and I deal with infertility and mental health issues. All of my health issues mostly stem from PCOS. The mental health issues are trauma worsened by the hormone imbalance caused by PCOS. So far my counselor has diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Major Depressive Disorder, and several anxiety disorders. I apologize if this is a little all over the place because a lot of my trauma is suppressed for my safety so I can function and I'm having to slowly dig into my past to bring it all back up. I assume this will be like thousands of tiny puzzle pieces that will hopefully start to form together and form a bigger picture of understanding for anyone who is reading this. It's not exactly chronological or has any rhyme or reason. What comes up is whatever comes up in my thought process and emotions or whatever my counselor can coerce out of me. **********************TRIGGER WARNING******************************* (Will contain physical and emotional abuse, self harm, topics of suicide, rape, drug abuse, infertility and pregnancy loss, and traumatic experiences) May not be suitable for those under 18 years of age. ***************************************************************************

It is currently 2:00 am.  I was inspired by a TikTok I was watching in bed that made me sob uncontrollably. It brought back the pain of things that have been said to me since a child. Painful things that I knew were untrue, but still fed into my fears and insecurities. I needed to vent and put things into words and release them from my mind so I can hopefully process them better. So here I go I'll start with how counseling went. I had counseling earlier today, well technically yesterday. We continued our talk about Luke and the stress that comes along with him and how it is affecting my sleep. We talked about our relationship from the start until the present. We talked about a few occasions where he verbally and physically attacked me back when he was actively using Meth. We talked about the betrayal of his denial and rejection when my dad physically and verbally abused me when I was 16 that had consequently sent me into foster care. So here's a little bit of current background on my older brother Luke and how he came to live with me. In March of 2018, he was living with my dad Loren in Medicine Lodge. I had moved from Medicine Lodge to Haysville in March of 2017. I will discuss later on why I moved, but for now, I'll discuss how Luke got where he is now. So my dad had moved in a new girlfriend named Sandy from Pennsylvania. Not even two days into her living with my dad she caused a huge scene with Luke's baby mama Ashdon when she came over to pick up the kids after my brother's weekend with them. Sandy was rude to Ashdon and was mad that she had entered "her house" without knocking. Luke was strapping his kids into their car seats and had sent Ashdon inside my dad's house to grab their bags. Sandy then rudely and aggressively confronted Ashdon. Ashdon is not one to handle someone coming at her in such a negative way well. Luke left with her and returned the next day. Luke couldn't last in that house with Sandy for even a week so he moved out. He had no job and nowhere to go so he ended up living in his storage unit. I will get into later how toxic Sandy was for my dad and my family. Just to let you know she doesn't stick around forever, but there is a lot to tell about her and right now I'm talking about Luke so I will get to her, I promise. Anyways this had sent Luke into a deep depression and heavier usage of Meth. At some point, he was able to get a job in the oilfield and started living out of his work truck.  And at some point, he lost that job. During this time my dad and I were both worried sick. I cried a lot over Luke's situation. I grieved over the person he used to be when I was younger. I feared because of the Meth that the person he use to be would forever be gone. Well, Christmas drew near. It was still 2018. Luke was desperate for money and was committing crimes of theft and burglary to survive and be able to purchase Christmas gifts for his kids. Luke had never been in major trouble but his actions had finally caught up to him. He had burglarized a laundry mat in Alva, Oklahoma. He was easily identified and had agreed to turn himself over to authorities after Christmas if they would let him have Christmas with his kids first. Well, he ran. Also on a side note was on my deathbed in the hospital recovering from emergency major abdominal surgery when he was captured. That's another thing I will touch on later as that is not the main focus right now. Luke was arrested in Wichita and returned to Alva, Oklahoma where he spent several months in jail. When he was released from jail he was immediately transferred to Barber County Jail for crimes he had committed before the burglary of the laundry mat where he had stolen pipe fittings from an oil rig and had pawned for cash. He spent a few months with them. He was released on July 10th, 2019. My dad was in Lansing, Michigan for a Highschool National Championship for Trap Shoot that my younger brother Remington was competing in. He was out of state for 10 days. So my dad asked me if I would pick Luke up from jail for him. I didn't have a choice in the matter so I did as asked and brought him home for a few days until my dad returned. When my dad returned he screwed me over. He took advantage of the situation and my kindness. Luke had no vehicle and nowhere to go. My dad couldn't afford to have Luke live with him and couldn't take the time off work to take him to his court hearings and probation appointments, so it all got dumped on me. I was never asked if Luke could live with us, it was just put on me. I'll come to regret not standing up for myself when I was backed into this corner. Now there's a lot that happens between the time he moved in with us back in July and the present. I will touch on those later because I do not want to lose focus on what is currently causing me stress about him. Anyways in those 10 months, Luke does not look for a job or chip in anything of his responsibilities. My husband and I 100% support him and his children. We pay for his cigarette addiction, his phone, his gas, food for him and his kids, and run him to all his appointments. In October he knocks up my husband's younger sister which I promise I will tell you about in complete detail another time. Anyways it didn't work out. So currently he has finally started working and has had a job for a month now. His probation forced him to go through a staffing agency and they put him with this job. He works for a plastics company and only brings home $300 a week. He could have had a better paying job a long time ago, but he wouldn't put in the effort until he was forced to. Well, now we're caught up to speed. The latest frustration and stress is that Luke has no vehicle and no license. And with the Corona Virus, my mom is working from home. We only have 2 vehicles. There is her car and my husband's car. My husband has his car at work with him. So since I do not work the responsibility of driving Luke has always solely fallen on me. I wake up at 6:00 am every morning and leave at 7:00 am to drive him to work. Then I leave at 3:30 pm to pick him up from work. This is an issue because I notoriously have sleep issues. I have sleep apnea. I've had insomnia from the age of 7 and my anxiety has a strong effect on my sleep. So I was having problems sleeping at night before anyways. My anxiety causes problems for me when I have an appointment or some kind of responsibility to handle the next day. The pressure to be awake in time keeps me from being able to sleep until the last minute when I'm exhausted. So around 5:30 am has been when I've finally been able to fall asleep. See my problem? Then it takes me 45 minutes total of driving which wakes me up to the point that I can't fall back asleep when I return home. This leaves me with a short period of sleep and a short period to get anything done during the day before I have to go pick him up. Even if I go to bed at a normal time I wake up 2 hours later and unable to sleep. The responsibility of taking him to and from work has affected my sleep problems and made them worse than they already were. Ok, moving on from there, my counselor asked how my relationship was with Luke from the beginning. I told her when I little, we had a really good relationship. I spent a lot of time with him and we were close. After the divorce, my mom struggled with his behavioral issues and was advised by her counselor to focus on me and my sister and to have Luke move in with my dad and let my dad worry about him. My mom had too much on her plate to deal with her mental health and the divorce to also be trying to parent Luke who was way more than a handful. We were close until after he moved out of my dad's in highschool. Luke use to take me everywhere. We use to watch WWF wrestling together. He would give me airplane rides, body slam me on his bed, thumb wrestle, and play Mortal Kombat on the Nintendo. We spent a lot of time together. For several years Luke was barely in my life. He stopped attending al family get together and I maybe saw him twice a year until my dad and Lori got divorced in 2008. I will go over that more later and that timeline at another time. By the way, Lori was my dad's 3rd marriage. Anyways Luke came around a little more after the Divorce. That year was a tough year that will touch on later because there's a lot that went on and will need to be addressed, but right now I'm focusing on my relationship with Luke. So fast forward to April 2009. My dad and I got into a physical fight after I had a car accident. I reported him to my SRO (School Resource Officer) and I ended up in Foster Care. Luke rejected this, called me a liar, and had denied that our dad had ever physically abused him. I'll go over Luke's abuse and trauma another time. This is what began the hate that Luke had for me for years. Let's fast forward to the summer of 2015. My husband and I had moved to Medicine Lodge after a long bout of unemployment from the oilfield so he could start a new career as a truck driver. Well, he was still my fiance at the time because we didn't get married until January 25th, 2016 which I will address more on that later. Luke's relationship had fallen apart from Ashdon and he had lost his good-paying oilfield job. He was living in Sterling and had no other job opportunities so he moved in with our dad. This is when I believe Luke had started using Meth. Though I am not sure when or if he had before, but his behavior was suspicious enough for me to suspect he was using. Luke is a narcissist and a very jealous person. He accepts no responsibility and believes everyone has wronged him and that he is the victim in his life. When we moved to Medicine Lodge we did so because we needed help. Nathan had just bought a brand new truck before he was laid off from the oilfield and had spent his entire unemployment on the payments. Well, his truck driving job didn't take off fast enough and we knew the truck was going to be repossessed. So with that reasoning, we chose to live in Medicine Lodge because I could lean on my dad and he allowed me to drive his ranger. That and my dad was struggling to get Remington to come down for his visits so I knew if I lived down there too that Remington would come down because he wanted to hang out with me. After all, at that time my dad was working overtime on Saturdays and had no internet or cable so understandably Remington would be bored. The reason I'm bringing this up is that Luke became jealous of the help I received from our dad. I was driving his Ranger and there was a time or two that my dad helped with groceries because Nathan did not make much when he was training at his new job. During this time I was also babysitting Lukes children when they came down to visit and he had to work. The first verbal attack came out of nowhere. My dad was present, Nathan was gone on the road. Luke just relentlessly tore me down about anything and everything. He even brought up my weight. And any reason I could give was not good enough. I brought up my depression and he said that he didn't believe in depression and that it was a choice. At some point, he told me to go home and put a gun to my head. I look back now knowing that Luke was using and that I can't 100% put the responsibility on him for the things he said to me because of the drugs. I've confronted him about it since he's moved in with me and he has no recollection of ever saying that or ever attacking me. Another instance of one of Luk'es attacks was a few weeks after Nathan and I had gotten married. Again my dad was there and I had been taken care of him because he just had shoulder surgery and Nathan was gone on the road. Luke was not living with our dad at the time. I had been out taking care of my responsibilities such as running home to take care of my dogs and do some laundry. I had been spending time with Nathan's little sister Anastasia who we call Anna. She was 15 at the time. It was a Wednesday night and I took her to religion class and had picked her up. When I came to pick her up I stayed at the church for a while before taking her home because we were chatting with her friends. When I returned to my dad's house Luke was there. He came at me in a fury and a rage accusing me of "driving the wheels off" of my dad's truck. He said he had seen me all over town cruising. He was wrong, but this came from a place of pure jealousy because our dad had been allowing me to use his truck. Luke was relentless and would not stop. Luke started threatening to kill me and had backed me up into a corner and when he realized I was trying to call 911 he had tackled me to the ground and tried to break my phone. In the process, he had ripped off a couple of acrylic nails I had left from my wedding. If you have ever had acrylic nails, you know how painful that is. When he realized I made it through to 911 he had taken off to avoid the cops. I'm pretty sure he was high or coming down now that I know he was using. Again when I have confronted him about this as he currently lives with me, he claims he doesn't remember that. So currently, Luke has had no violent outbursts towards me since he's lived with me. In the beginning, I dealt with a lot of criticism from him and I still do, but I feel like he has no choice but to behave towards me since he has nowhere else to go. Because of the time I've had with him taking him to his appointments and such and being around when Anastasia up and left him he's opened up more to me than he has in my entire life. I wouldn't say we are close, but I'm getting to know him better. It is now 4:00 am and I can't even fathom typing anymore as I have said so much. So hopefully later today or when I get a chance, I will talk more about how counseling went and maybe more. We'll see. There's just so much to express and say. With the amount I have to tell, this isn't even a grain of sand in a desert if that says anything. Not even a scratch on the surface. So until we meet again, Goodnight.

Ann Marie