#it’s my birthday this week and I’m so fcking broke

[singedbutter]

Tbh thinking about posting my OF today..

[blondie1locks]

My favorite fanfics

IT:

https://jem-carstairs-is-perfection.tumblr.com/post/171736041685/richie-toziers-birthday-week-extravaganza. Richies birthday

https://toziertrashmouth.tumblr.com/post/166061614934/that-was-amazing-your-ideas-are-lit-personally

https://reddie-to-go.tumblr.com/post/168728940110/prompt-90-catch-me-if-you-can Horny Eddie makes things difficult for Richie

https://bxxpbxxprichie.tumblr.com/post/166571370442/can-you-do-a-hc-of-when-richie-gives-eddie-his Richie loves to kiss eddies neck and in this doc he gives him his first hickey.

https://edsbev.tumblr.com/post/171828786023/reddie-prompt-where-eddie-gets-really-affectionate Eddie is a cuddly sleepy boi

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/172932754567/established-relationship-eddie-wakes-richie-up. Eddie wakes Richie up bc he’s horny af

https://thederrylibrary.tumblr.com/post/188381701554/hi-i-luv-ur-blog-could-u-help-do-a-rec-of-some Eddie sickfics

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/178127028432/pda Reddie PDA

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/188674669162/can-i-request-a-fic-for-richie-comforting-eddie Richie comforting Eddie after he has a panic attack

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/190617604462/walk-through-fire-for-you Drunk Eddie

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/172993744582/eddiemylovc-headcanon-where-eddie-likes-to-play Eddie likes to play with Richies fingers when he has anxiety

https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/post/182757666097/idk-if-youre-taking-requests-but-i-would-die-for Eddie talks gibberish when he’s half asleep Richie thinks it’s the cutest thing ever

https://richietoaster.tumblr.com/post/166343779520/nothings-gonna-hurt-you-baby Reddie Eddies mom sexually assaulted Eddie

https://richietoaster.tumblr.com/post/170233849435/love-your-body-right Reddie Nsfw

https://thederrylibrary.tumblr.com/post/189863508116/any-reddie-fics-where-eddie-has-a-panic-or-asthma Eddie panic/asthma attacks

https://toshitophchan.tumblr.com/post/166897684072/drunk-eddie-headcannons Drunk Eddie

https://richie-txzier.tumblr.com/post/173589774770/hey-there-you-havent-posted-in-a-while-but-i Sick Eddie

https://get-fcking-reddie.tumblr.com/post/168156831980/i-just-need-some-teen-reddie-where-the-losers-go More Drunk Eddie

TVD/The Originals:

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10742178/1/Cursed-Disease Sick Damon Stefan takes care of him

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/8927233/1/What-Happened-to-You-Damon Damon hurt

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/5626252/3/A-Little-Problem BABY DAMON

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7293991/1/ Damon’s Memories

Atla(Avatar):

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7293991/1/ placed in the southern raiders episode nsfw kind of awkward/funny

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/6551546/1/Zuko-The-Traitor-s-Story Zuko story of banishment and scar was put in the ember island play

Harry Potter:

https://www.wattpad.com/amp/78641053 I’m a sucker for truth or dare/ never have I ever stories

https://www.fanfiction.net/community/SS-Romione/117640/ Romione

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12972248/1/All-of-Me-A-Romione-fanfiction Romione

https://accioromione.tumblr.com/fanfics Romione

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7959857/1/Dumbledore-s-Memories Dumbledore!!!

Glee:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9192977/35/Sick-Days Blaine motion sickness chapter 35 and otherss

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9192977/14/Sick-Days Blaine motion sick

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8640214/24/As-Long-As-You-re-There Blaine motion sick

https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/sick%21blaine sick Blaine

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10442608/1/Blaine-s-sick-day Sick Blaine

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9005424/1/Every-Breath-You-Take Blaine asthma attack

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10153484/4/Blaine-Anderson-is-Falling-Down sick Blaine Klaine never broke up

Criminal Minds:

https://www.wattpad.com/amp/345385666 Reid’s addiction

https://spencerreidsmiles.tumblr.com/post/162565190027/the-relapse/amp Reid’s relapse

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11017036/1/Dilaudid Reid and his addiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4988708/7/No-more-sweets Garcia and her eating disorder

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4878954/Morgan-and-Garcia-Forever Some Morgan and Garcia stories

The Umbrella Academy:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18226634/chapters/43178648#workskin The Traumaversery of five PTSD this one was hard for me to read bc of my PTSD so if u also have it maybe sit this one out.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18116033/chapters/43433747#workskin Vulnerable Five

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18352262/chapters/44249146#workskin Fives struggles with food I recommend this writer

Please support the writers of these stories. all of these where/still are hyper fixations of mine and idk about u but I get strong emotional attachment to characters so if u want me to post any type of specific fanfic I will try to find one/write one

#masterpost #IT #reddie #TVD #Damon Salvatore #Umbrella Academy #Harry Potter #romione #glee #klaine #atla #sukka #criminal minds #the Originals

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

Hi, I'm obsessed with this movie. I've seen it like 10 times now and none of my friends/family will watch it with me. But I was wondering if you could do a younger benny and his high school sweetheart. Maybe they find eachother again later in life. How they were in high school and how they were before he and Will enrolled Vs how they are now given all the things they have seen and how they are older. I just thought this would be so cool.

My LOVE I am so sorry this took so long but I’ve made it! I actually got a bit carried away by the whole younger Benny thing but I hope that’s alright! The ending is fairly short since I didn’t want to overwrite the whole thing (maybe I’ll do another one where I go into detail a bit more how the service changed him but I have to work through the other requests first and there are some that are asking for the same thing so we’ll see)I had SO much FUN writing this and also broke my own heart bc now I’m sad that there’s no Ben Miller in my life lol OKAY 

also i’m also obsessed with that fcking movie it’s not funny i tell you

High School Sweethearts and Long Life Lovers (young!Benny Miller Headcanons)

When you and Benny first meet it’s like two worlds colliding. It’s not necessarily because you are the opposite side of a coin but more that you’ve never interacted with him and don’t exactly share the same group of friends. While you try to get through High School as fast and as unproblematic as possible, Benny seems to almost celebrate every second of it. He’s not a trouble maker per say but he likes to be seen (and heard) while you try to fly under the radar as much as you can. 

For Benny High School is just a passing point, somewhere he’s stuck until he gets his degree and an environment where the rules are not meant to be broken but defiantly meant to be bent to the maximum. For you he’s just another loud guy that tries his damn hardest to prove to the world of tough and different he is and you’re not at all interested in getting drawn into whatever mess he decided to create this week. He’s not a trouble maker but you think he does mean trouble.

You shoot him down the first time he strolls up to you to ask you to hang out. It’s not because rumor has it that Benny Miller leaves nothing but broken hearts and bruised knuckles behind but because his cocky attitude and constant teasing annoy you, not as much as the stares from jealous girls down the halls do, but still enough to decline. What does spark your first interest is the way he accepts your answer (which really consists of a simple “No”, you not intending to argue with him). Though his gaze is still lingering on you for a second, he backs of fairly fast - faster than most boys you’ve encountered by then and it’s his understanding and the space that he gives you afterwards that you appreciate about him. You don’t like him a whole lot better after that but at least he doesn’t turn out to be a real asshole.

Falling for Benny Miller turned out to be a marathon, not a sprint. Somehow, and you’re still not sure how, he wedged his way into your heart. It’s the little things that seem to come to your attention more often afterwards, how he’s almost always late to the classes you share with him not because he doesn’t care but because he walks everyone else of his group of friends to their classes first. How his face lights up when he’s getting picked up by his brother and you watch them through the windshield, Benny turning up the music and belting out the lyrics to a song where he doesn’t hit every note and his brother just snorts at him. 

His bruised knuckles turn out to don’t come from fighting in the streets and picking fights constantly but from taking boxing classes late after school at a local gym. You find out by accident, your cousin who picks you up from school recognizing his brother William and stopping for a quick chat, mentioning training and Benny being involved. William seems far softer than Benny, though you haven’t talked to Benny any more than his brother. For a second there’s a hint of surprise in Will’s eyes as you introduce yourself and you wonder if it may be recognition as well. As you pull your hand from the short handshake you can’t help the thought that crosses your mind if Ben has talked to his older brother about you, the image sending a soft blush to your cheeks.

A lot of firsts happen in the time you’re with Benny. 

The first time seeing bloody knuckles followed by a first time where you have to patch up said bloody knuckles. This time it’s not from training and it’s takes a bit of questioning until he rasps out that there were those bullies that tried to pick on a kid in his neighborhood. You scoff, telling him that he’ll get in trouble if he goes to School like that the next day and that it’ll only make the rumors worse about him being violent but Benny just shrugs, murmuring that it was worth it and he’d do it over and over again.

The first time you taste the bitterness of beer was on his lips, which happened to be the first time you kissed. You remember how his lips were a bit chapped that night, the music blaring inside the house you’ve been invited to, the smell of cigarettes lingering on the front porch and the railing behind you. You remember Benny’s hands on your waist, at first more hesitant but then your lips parted, a soft sound escaping yours and he gripped your waist harder, pressing his body against you.

You remember the first time you smelled him, face pressed into his shirt as it seems that you just couldn’t stop crying. You felt silly in that moment, balling over the loss of your favorite pet but that bundle of fur grew up with you and though you knew that it’s end would come long before your own it still hits you, hard. Benny was there then, rubbing small circles on your back and holding you steady.

Benny’s seeing a kind of sanctuary in you, something steady in a life that seems to move too fast for him. There are countless nights that he crawls through the window and into your room late at night. Sometimes you’re still sitting at your desk studying, sometimes you’re already lying in bed and the face that suddenly appears in your window scares you to death. 

When his dad gets called for another tour, it’s you Benny turns to. Will calls you first after Benny storms out when he hears the news and it doesn’t take long for the younger Miller brother to show up at your window, cheeks red and breathing furiously. He’s frustrated at first, walking circles into your carpet and cursing his dad and his brother and the army and the whole goddamn world before stopping with his back to you. You can’t see his face but the way his shoulders tense up, hands balled at the side before starting to shake you take a gentle hand to turn him around. The sight of his scrunched up face, tears falling big and heavy to your shirt as his head hangs low nearly breaks your heart and this time it’s you that wraps him in a tight hug and rubs his back.

Normally he leaves after a couple of hours but this time Ben falls asleep in your arms, face pressed into the crook of your neck, exhausted from the fear and the crying while you stroke his head, again and again until his ragged breaths calm down and he stops shaking. There’s really nothing you can say to him that will make it better. After all you’re both just two teenagers, too old to believe in miracles, too grown up to ignore the realistic chance of his father getting injured while being deployed. So you hold him and hope that in the daylight, the fear won’t be as strong.

Benny’s an absolute sweetheart to you in school. It’s not like he was rude before but now he’s taking chivalry to a whole new level. There’s usually an arm around your waist or a hand in your back pocket, stolen kisses between class. Glancing his way he’ll catch your eyes, a sheepish smile on his lips and before you turn your attention back to the board.

You’ve tried studying together for a while but it really doesn’t work that great. It’s either Benny distracting you or your distracting Benny, causing piles of homework to get kicked onto the floor, pencils clattering to the ground as you feel his body pressing you into the soft mattress of your bed, hips grinding against yours as he’s starting to suck with his sweet lips right under your jaw.

Benny accumulates a couple of habits since you’re around. There’s little notes that you randomly find in your backpack or your locker, not everyday but mostly after you had a tough week or a fight. Picking you up and dropping you off becomes a thing as soon as he passes his drivers license and there’s usually a cup of coffee waiting in your cupholder at the passenger side. On your birthday he creates a cd with your favorite kind of songs and it becomes your morning pickup playlist, William having to sit through the same songs over and over again whenever he happens to sit in the car.

Benny learns how to play guitar in those years with you though he swears Will made him do it and he didn’t learn it just for you. He’s can’t play an awful lot of songs, most of the time he can’t concentrate and sit still for the amount of time that it takes to learn a full song and playing the same thing over and over bores him to death very easily. But whenever he feels the need to clear his head, he likes to sit down, guitar in his lap and mindlessly pick at the strings. 

Though he hasn’t played in years the old guitar, that was actually your dad’s old guitar that he didn’t need and gave Benny as a gift, still sits in his childhood room at his parents house. He thought about taking it home but he really sees no point in it since he doesn’t play anymore but at the same time he can’t get himself to give it away either.

You try to go to prom with Benny, you even picked out a nice dress and he got dressed up but the night of the actual prom went a bit different than expected. You even made it to the parking lot but neither of you seemed to wanna get out of the car, instead you kept sitting there and looked at the people lingering around or waiting to get inside. It takes one look at each other and Benny’s pulling out of the lot in seconds.

You end up at a diner that night, with burgers and fries, first alone which you enjoy immensely and later joined by your friends that didn’t seem to enjoy the prom too much, even less without you two being there and Benny raising havoc. Instead of dancing in a very sweaty overcrowded gym Benny gets some change for the old jukebox and you end up dancing in the middle of the diner. And though Benny’s dance moves are a bit questionable at times, he twirls and twists you around that night that you get dizzy, grabbing onto his arms for stability where he takes the chance to steal a kiss from you, leaving your friends hollering and whistling at you two from the background.

Breaking up wasn’t so much a decision as it kinda just happened. Near the end of your High School both of you are met with the question on where to go next in life -  and unfortunately it seems as if fate is working against you. While Benny is set on joining the army with his brother (and this really does not come to your surprise since it has always been his dream) you start to look into Colleges. Both of you are stressed because finals are coming up, the inevitable question on how you should continue your relationship combines with the worries about the future and one fight too many leaves both of you with the feeling that maybe this isn’t meant to last forever.

Maybe if the timing was different, the two of you would’ve had the chance to talk it out one more time but you move away a couple of weeks after Benny gets employed and sent to camp for basis training. It’s your first real heartbreak, for both you and Benny and it certainly weighs heavy on your soul. A breakup is always hard but being this young it defiantly feels like the end of the world and it doesn’t help that you can’t seem to shake the thought of “What if..?”

The next time you see each other happens by accident. You’re back in town for a week to catch up with your family and though Ben has certainly changed you recognize him immediately. His body that just started to gain muscles when you last saw each other now has developed quite well and he’d outgrown his scrawny body but it’s still Benny. His hair is cut short and you catch yourself thinking that it’s even a bit too short for your liking. The sheepishness is still there, though his eyes flicker around the area, and you think to spot a hasty glow behind them, though it’s hard to tell from across the parking lot.

You don’t talk that day, him entering the grocery store and you’re about to pull out the lot, time doesn’t seem to give you a chance. But seeing him stirs something inside of you, the thought of him crossing your mind the following week again and again until you even ask your mother if she heard anything from the Millers, though she doesn’t know too much. Your brain is like a overachieving little helper, serving you memories at the most inconvenient times and it takes a bit for you to store the thought of Benny Miller to the back of your mind again.

It’s been ages now, at least it feels like it, when you stumble into each other, for real this time. You’re in front of a bar, waiting for your friends who want to celebrate your move back to town, though the thought brings nothing but hot shame to your cheeks that you wish to drown in a generous amount of alcohol. It really doesn’t feel like your next step in life but more like you’re taking ten steps back and thinking about moving back in with your parents makes your hairs stand in the back of your neck. 

This time you don’t recognize him immediately. He’s almost inside the bar when your eyes meet on accident, you glancing up from your phone again, trying not to look too long at the bulky dude in the grey sweater passing you by. He stops and you clutch your bag a little tighter, frantically trying to remember what your father told you about throwing a punch, just in case, and you almost take a step back as you hear his voice. “Y/N?” It’s hard to look at him now, his face a collage of colorful bruises, a split lip and red nose and you though you try hard find the boy that you gave your heart to in his eyes it takes you a minute.

You quickly realized that his appearance isn’t the only thing that has changed. He’s still witty and quick with a come back to tease but there’s a lack of his easy going charm and he seems to have lost some of his carelessness along the way. Maybe it’s because you’re not as close anymore, a small voice in the back of your head whispers and you silently agree. After all you’ve grown too, so expecting him to be still a boy at heart might be a bit too much.

You’re chatting for a while and it feels awkward at first, a stiff conversation about nonsense. Your eyes sneak back to his injuries and you can’t help but think that Benny looks .. rough. You don’t ask him how he’s been, the question seems silly to you because what even are you trying to hint at? His time in service? Where’s at now? What the hell he’s done to get that beaten up? 

You part as your friends arrive, Benny scattering away as they get out of the car and you end up not knowing how to say goodbye. It ends in a long nod from him and a small smile from you, fiddling with the hem of your jacket as you debate wether or not to ask if he wants to stay in touch and you get caught up in the excitement of your friends, the group giggling and pushing you through the front door of the bar. As you look over your shoulder you only see Benny’s back as he’s crossing the street, almost at the other side and you break into a sprint to catch him before he vanishes into the night. 

It takes a bit of convincing until he lets you type in your number into his phone. “Let’s keep in touch, yeah?” He nods and you’re almost sure he won’t call. It’s a week later that your phone rings, Benny on the other line, stuttering about catching up (he promises that most of his face looks better now and that he won’t scare the living daylights out of you this time) and suddenly you’re fifteen again, heart racing as you agree.

Find the moodboard for highschool!Benny Miller here! xx

[pinkhoodiemark]

get to know me tag

I was tagged by @legendsofkpop thank you!

Rule 1 - Tag 9 people you want to get to know

Answers under the cut

Appearance

- I’m SO short despite my 19 years of living (4′9″) - I’m 100% asian - My style of clothing is very japan/hipster aesthetic (i know it’s cringey to say hipster about yourself but like i dont know how else to describe, but i like the style so) - round face - dark brown eyes and black hair - just small

Personality

- I’m chill af - i tend not to care which is a good thing sometimes, but other times i end up not caring about things i should really care about like deadlines or something - I’m friendly but unapproachable (a horrible mix) - outgoing? I like trying new things and doing spontaneous things - open-minded af - acceptant of all types of people :)

Abilities

- i did gymnastics for 7 years when i was little and i can still do some tricks (backhandspring, handstand, etc) - I can play Drums and Bass guitar - i can sing (i think) (idk i used to be in a band, i dont really think i sing good but people said that i had a “good powerful voice despite my tiny appearance”) - Sew/crochet - make bubble tea (new ability)  - dance-ish - finishing work even if i wait til the last minute lol

Hobbies

- Overwatch / League of Legends bb - Cosplaying - run a lovely kpop blog :)) - printmaking - idk

Experiences (a chance to brag basically lol)

- best experience was going to Japan for 2 straight months last summer without parents (the firest time i traveled w/o rents) with my older sister. We stayed with grams - also within that 2 months, we stayed in Tokyo without anyone (no grams) and did AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE in one week in tokyo - and also on that trip we went to Osaka for an all day music festival and saw Baby Metal before they disbanded !! - wake boarding (its awesome) - met multiple bands and took selfies with them (The Arkells, The Wombats, Robert Delong, Coleman Hell, and more!) - broke into my music school at night and slept there with this boy i liked just for fun (dumb teen shit) - won a gold key award for printmaking - I’ve sat on Gary Busey’s lap... It was TERRIFYING

i have so many stories please ask me about them lol

My life

- born and raised in Michigan -_- - lived in the same f*cking house my whole life - i hate the city i live in - I’m Japanese (i long to live in japan one day) - birthday: February 17th, 1998 (im literally one day older than Vernon and i find that fun ny) - phases: cringey emo (5th grade-7th) --> super cringey anime (7th-9th) --> indie vibe/good music (10th - College fresh) --> kpop (college fresh - now)

Random Facts

- have to sleep with a stuffed animal (or at least a pillow-like feel that i can wrap my arms around) - no fcking clue what im doing with my life lol - other things i like besides kpop:           tv: Rick and Morty, Bob’s Burgers, The Office           fav animes: Durarara, Chihayafuru, Kids on the Slope, Haikyuu!           music: Muse, GroupLove, Alt J, Glass Animals, Robert DeLong, etc - i like to have an ootd everyday - oh i also have no idea what my own orientation is even-larger-LOL - dont like to drink but 420 friendly lul - I have sleep paralysis bb - its passed 2 am right now so im talking a lot about myself without filter yikes

alrighty imma tag these kool katz: @redgyeomie @imeightout @jinyoungxoxo @jingogi @jindongdongie @toasty-suzuya  @got7doubleb @jajajaebum @imjaebeomtrash

[baibaos]

First Half of 2017 Fic Rec

A compilation of some of the fics that I’ve enjoyed this year [with little glimpses into the stories and comments about them, do check them out to see the actual summaries and do support the authors if you enjoy them as well 💕]:

trndsttrs of seoul by chimint || yoonmin, namjin || t || wip

chatfic; jimin is a cinnamon roll and yoongi is whipped™.

(literally the cutest thing ever, i reread it every day. jungkook calls yoonmin ‘dadgi’ and ‘jimom’ respectively (which is so fcking cute nghhh) and namjoon is the captain of the ship and they all ship ym - all concepts i am 100% up for. something to brighten up your day ^^)

Seven Days (Or The One Where Min Yoongi Asks Out Park Jimin Because Of A Girl) by minyoongayashell || yoonmin || bg taekook, namjin || m || wip || tw sexual content (but like, no actual sex)

seven days au; jimin is called “cheot-nal ye” or “first day yes”. basically he’s famous at school for agreeing to date the first person who asks him out on the first day of the week - 100% of the time, he breaks off the relationship at the end of the week and the cycle repeats itself. now, yoongi hates this girl in class and she wants to ask jimin out. naturally, he has to beat her to it.

(the manga was such a sweet thing and the fic gets me so excited. i don’t read a lot of high school aus, but this one is special! it’s not updated very frequently, but it’s definitely worth a read.)

Bullet Boy by sugamins || yoonmin || e || tw homophobia/sexual content || wip || tw references to drug use/depression

in which yoongi’s an underground rapper and jimin collabs with other rappers to break into the scene and flash forward into the future, they are caught up in a ‘scandal the likes of which the industry has never seen before.’

(the writing is so amazing, wow, it’s only on the first third chapter but the author makes it feel so promising. i kid you not, i actually messaged them and fangirled embarrassingly bc I am that kind of person. also ! underground yoonmin !)

Hiraeth by haruguk || taekook, yoonmin, platonic yoonkook || not rated but probably e || 100k || tw sexual content/graphic content/drug abuse/mental instability/psychosis || tw referenced child abuse/cheating/alcohol abuse/self-harm (basically a lot of warnings!)

diary of an oxygen thief au; perfect fratboy jeongguk gets off of breaking hearts, but he can’t quite do the same to kim taehyung. “hurt people hurt people.” read the warnings carefully!

(basically this fic broke my heart time and time again and everyone has probably already read this but i still must rec it bc it is that good.)

tats'n'thots by Death_Impala || taekook || bg yoonmin || not rated but probably m || 12k || tw sexual content

tattoo artist au; taehyung to jeongguk: “I feel inspired, and I want to work with you, so how about this: let me tattoo you in any way I want, free of charge – with your input of course.” also, bottom jk. c:

(i am trash for the using-your-body-as-a-canvas trope and similarly, or even more so, for bottom bby jk. :’) this fic is a blessing. taekook and art obviously belong in the same sentence.)

Idiosyncratic by jiminsfw || taekook || e || 19k || tw sexual content/knots/ruts/usual abo things

a/b/o au; taehyung and jungkook are an alpha/alpha couple, and no one thinks that alpha/alpha couples can last. involves ruts and switching and so much emotion.

(this was a particularly interesting read bc it took me forever to find a fic with alpha/alpha taekook! alpha/alpha taekook nghhh it’s just the cutest thing, a little sad, but ultimately very fluffy.)

Mileage May Vary by rix || taekook || e || 80k || tw sexual content/age difference/strip clubs/recreational drug use

“Jeongguk is a stripper with a penchant for trouble. Taehyung is curious.” taehyung is nine years older than jk, who has a prince albert btw. bottom jk as always. sort of soft sugar daddy tae? but not really.

(once again i am trash for bottom jk. and all of rix’s fics are so good ;A; the quality just gets better and better. also, tae is once-divorced, heads up. in rix’s words, nothing really happens but still, it’s so enjoyable. <3)

spring day by Bangtanbananas || yoonmin, taekook, namjin || e || 70.9k || tw violence/graphic content/sexual content/mpreg/heats/usual abo things

wolf au; only 5% (i think) of wolves find their fated mates (but most wolves believe they don’t actually exist bc soulmates?), and although jimin dreamt of finding his when he was a pup, he didn’t actually expect to in the mysterious alpha from the mountains.

(i crave shit like this bc wolves + a/b/o + pack dynamics is just - c: omega jm and alpha yg, yes please. seokjin is the real mvp.)

half feral, but just right by themelonlord || yoonmin, platonic jikook || e || wip || tw discrimination/bullying/graphic content (but not really)/probably sexual content || tw referenced child abuse

a/b/o au; in a world where alphas are considered little more than rabid animals, yoongi’s just trying to scrape by and achieve his dreams. but then he meets omega park jimin and his pseudo little brother, young alpha jeon jeongguk.

(yoonmin with their son /dongsaeng jjk is evidently my absolute favourite thing. :’) i was dreaming about an au where the alphas are victimised for a change a week before i discovered this fic and i wanted to cry bc it was better than i could ever imagine it to be.)

Laugh and I Love You by ifisayhiyousayoops || jinkook || bg vmin || e || 21.9k || tw sexual content

canonverse; seokjin and jungkook are just - so domestic and codependent. literally it. the softest slice-of-life on this side of the internet.

(jinkook has always been my guilty pleasure and i love them. bratty btm bby jk is basically my religion? i’m this fic is so well written! it’s very gentle and sweet and wow. i love love.)

time follows you (and fades) by thebestofme || yoonmin || bg taekook || t || 17k

hogwarts au; half-veela jimin finds himself in slytherin house and falling for slytherin prince, min yoongi. alternatively, jimin is so pretty and yoongi just wants to love him.

(slytherin yoonmin! yoongi is such a sweetheart and he has a pet kneazle named holly. :’) jeongguk is also adorable, i’m so weak. the first part is in jm’s pov and the second one’s in yg’s, so you literally get two sides of the story. i am trash for hogwarts aus and i’ve probably read all of them, and this one is such a gem!)

Once Upon A Dream by yururin || yoonmin || t || 17k

“soulmates AU where you can see a glimpse of your past life on the eve of your 18th birthday and Jimin dreams of a forbidden Joseon era love story with an upperclassman Min Yoongi, popular basketball player in uni, 18384/10 out of his reach”

(what is sin - it doesn’t exist. this entire thing is so soft and cute and pure. a great pick-me-up!)

glub glub glub by rabbitme || yoonmin || g || 6.7k

sort of chat fic that begins with jimin and yoongi missing each other.

(such purity. i love love. basically ym travelling, together and apart. ot7 interaction is something to look forward to, as well. it’s so fluffy, please read this and be blessed.)

light side of the moon by themelonlord || yoonmin, namjin, taekook, 95line || e || 80.8k || tw brief graphic content (blood)/sexual content

wolf au; jimin moves into a quiet town and befriends kim taehyung, who subsequently changes his life.

(it is such a lovely story, very pure, very gentle, with filth. :’) nothing really happens; it’s just a story about a boy who finds himself loving a man who can turn into a wolf. the ot7 is strong in this one. highly recommended if 95line and puppy piles make you smile.)

King of My Heart by wanderment || taekook || t || 17.7k

jeon jeongguk is the youngest son of the king of korea. taehyung is a friend of a friend - and a fan, but don’t let jeongguk know that. yet.

(a very wholesome and pure fic. they’re all rich college kids in this; minus namjin who are jk’s bodyguards. it feels short when you read it, but definitely very enjoyable. it’ll make you smile.)

The Victorious V and his Vast, Venturesome Heart by aprofessorstale || taekook, yoonmin || e || wip || tw sexual content/identity crises?

canonverse; taehyung is in love with love. jimin doesn’t believe in it.

(this is probably one of the best non-aus i’ve read in forever. it’s very introspective, incredibly heavy when it comes to discussions of sexuality and identity. it is very well-written and the author had captured their personalities well, while sticking to a timeline mostly following reality. (basically everything happens post-ynwa era) taekook are complicated and as are yoonmin, and while the story isn’t over yet, it is definitely worth the read. nam2seok are the resident straights and they deserve to be loved. on that note! yg is demisexual, rejoice.)

I Wrote This For You by chikichikichuu || yoonmin, taekook || bg namjin || t || wip || tw referenced depression/self-harm

the “cliffhanging heartbreaking motherfucking breakthrough debut novel” you will not read this story frustrates jungkook enough for him to send an aggressive e-mail to his newly proclaimed favourite author, min yoongi. (or, yoonmin through jungkook’s eyes. painful, yet worth it. taekook are relationship goals, basically, and everything is seemingly lovely until it isn’t. it hasn’t been updated since february ::) but it’s the kind of story that you can’t stop thinking about. suffer with me. <3)

a silhouette of new by mygz || yoonmin || m || wip || tw sexual content

sugar daddy gone wrong au chatfic; an unknown number sends jimin a message, thinking he’s a sugar baby.

(very very cute! i look forward to this a lot. yoongi and jm are both very natural and very adorable, spicy and sweet. uwu seriously something to look forward to if you’re into fluffy and sexy sugar daddy au chatfics.)

Lurking Shadows by GrandDragon03 || taekook, yoonmin, nam2seok, platonic yoonminkook || m || wip || tw violence

monster hunter au; jungkook is taken in as an apprentice by the legendary (and also married) hunter pair, min yoongi and park jimin.

(this is so good? the world-building is a+. please read if you want to see yoonmin with their son jk and good writing. the summary is in first person, but the story itself isn’t written that way, i promise. jk is a reckless prodigy but yoongi’s working on it.)

A New World by lonelyonion || taekook, yoonmin, nam2seok || e || wip || tw graphic content/violence/character death

super powers/not today au; “Jeon Jungkook was born to save the world, that’s a fact. Everything else, that was spontaneous.”

(this needs more attention! it’s still very short but very well-written and i am sooo excited for where this is headed. there are also not enough nam2seok fics in the world. :’) also! author says not to worry about the character death, but let’s see.)

Breathless by makkurokuro93 || yoonmin || bg namjin || e || 37k || tw sexual content

swim team au; after an unexpected break from the athletic world, yoongi finds himself back in south korea as their national team’s new coach. everything is almost the same as when he left, except, now, there’s park jimin.

(admittedly i haven’t finished this yet. 🤷 but! it seems very promising and there’s a nuance to the writing that colours everything in this sort of hazy blue filter. it’s just really pretty, wow. i say this bc i haven’t gotten to the smutty bits yet, tbh. what i’ve seen of the characterisations are brilliant! will update this when i finish reading. ;; let’s scream together.)

Impractical Magic by springrain21 || yoonmin || t || 16.8k || tw dismembered toes/spirits

witch au; yoongi is the worst witch jimin has ever met, basically.

(so so so cute! thank you to the original creator of the tumblr post that inspired this entire thing bc it just makes me so happy. yg is such an endearing character, and jm obviously feels the same way. you will fall in love.)

[hopeworldheaven]

ANSWER THESE 88 AND TAG 20

i was tagged by the lovely @holdmetightandletmeknow​, thank you so much for tagging me!!

i tag @thesecondhandnerd @vanillalattaes @eternaljimin @wingtae @amorjeon and some of my kinda newer followers @rosejimin @yoonsoonn @sugamuse

the last:

1. DRINK: water? i think

2. PHONE CALL: my boss

3. TEXT MESSAGE:  to @thesecondhandnerd​ and she needs to hurry up and reply

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: baepsae!

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: last night... ripp

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nope! never actually dated someone so 

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: ye

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: nope

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes 

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: hahaha boi lemme tell you

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: cough far too many times

top 3 favorite colors

12. dark red

13. black

14. grey? i guess? 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes thank fuck haha

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: :))

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: yes!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yes

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: yes and i’m so fucking happy i did

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: hell yes

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ye...

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: all except like? two?

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: i had (up until a week ago when we sent a few of them to new homes) 31 dogs... and a cat! and chickens and two ferrets

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: h e c k y e s 

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: i had a school exam so

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i’m basically nocturnal so if i have a choice, midday but i also have work so i have to get up for that *cries*

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: on tumblr i think

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: bts come back! and to see my new friends again

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: 10 minutes ago? she dropped me home

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: can i pick more than one cause b o i, i have a fcking list... a fucking long list

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: Cactus by A.C.E except it just changed to Mama’s Gun by Glass Animals (its on shuffle)

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: yes my grandad was called tom. and someone’s step brother 

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: work and being broke

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): no?

35. MARK(S): i have a fucktonne of scars all over and a pigment mutation on my cheek

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: paleontologist 

37. HAIR COLOR: brown at the moment but when i have the money i’m going to dye it

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  well i had hair down to my ass three days ago but i just cut it all off... prepare for selfies soon?

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: umm kinda but idk if its going to work out but aaaa they’re so cute and i’m dying help

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: like? about? myself?

41. PIERCINGS: three, one in each lobe plus an industrial bar i got done last week

42. BLOODTYPE: no clue?

43. NICKNAME(S): fari! or smol or tiny satan? or cryptid, depending on what you know me on 

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: v single

45. ZODIAC: scorpio 

46. PRONOUNS: they/them please

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i couldnt chose just one? 

48. TATTOOS: not yet but i have i two planned for soonish

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right

50. SURGERY: havent had one i dont think? 

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: not yet but as soon as i can afford it

52. SPORT: i dont do any at the moment but im an ex compeditive swimmer and martial arts person? and i ski and play netball  

53. VACATION: i’ve been to australia a lot, america when i was 1, fiji, thailand, hong kong and tanzania 

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: if i wear trainers its converse

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing

56. DRINKING: nothing

57. I’M ABOUT TO: light the fire before i freeze to death

58. WAITING FOR: dinner? a day off? the sweet embrace of the void?

59. WANT:  to see bts live, to get better, to successfully make it through next year

60. GET MARRIED: would depend on the person

61. CAREER: neuroscience and genetics 

62. HUGS OR KISSES: both! but if the hugs are cuddles then id choose that im such a ho for cuddles

63. LIPS OR EYES: eyes

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: depends on the gender? taller guys, either for girls

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: than a date or friends? i guess its either for both of them 

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: arms

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: sensitive

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship as long as its a good healthy one

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hesitant?

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: yes

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: oh boi yes

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes but they were circle lenses

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yes

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: probably not

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: no

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: :)))))))

77. BEEN ARRESTED: no

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yes

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: :))))

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF: fuck no

81. MIRACLES: no

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: no

83. SANTA CLAUS: nope

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: hmm depends?

85. ANGELS: do bts count?

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): helena and liam (theres more friends but those two are my best friends)

other

87. EYE COLOUR: a boring green

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: interstellar, mad max or se7en

[how-not-to-ak]

Some people aren't worth trying for

So, yeah. We were supposed to go and watch "into the spiderverse" on dec 20th, and yeah, she looked better couple of weeks before the day, tho I had to change the day since was going to take her finals on the 21th so I change it for the 27th instead and, that was when everything stared to go to hell.

She's super forgetful, so like 3 days before the day I remembered her that we were supposed to go out on the 27th. She didn't respond.

I texted her again on the 26th, again, telling that the next day we were supposed to go out. She didn't respond. Again.

Before I invited her, I already had planned go w my bestie, I was supposed to go w both but on separated dates bc they don't like each other but, everything went to shit with all that was happening (her accident, the days, etc). My bestie told me that if I wanted, i could go w her instead(such a good soul) and I was like "ok" stabbing him on the back.

So, the day came and I had no news from her, I was anxious, I was frustrated, powerless and didn't know what fck do. I talked w my bestie abt it the day before, we agreed that I'll come to his house, try to call her(btw she didn't respond) and ask what happened, tho later at night I decided to call her to cancel, I mean, she obviously wasn't going to go anyway.

I ended up going w my bestie but, since shit just got from bad to worse, all kinda went wrong that day, our closest movie change it's schedule, the movie was going to start very late, so we decided to go the other nearest one, even tho it was kinda far, the movie was going to start like at 4 which was perfect, however since the day fcking sucked, our bus got out late, we got stuck on traffic yada yada, we arrived late to the movie, the next round was going to start at 7, meaning that if we stayed, we wouldn't see the end of the movie. We did stayed, I mean, we weren't going to see it all but it was better than nothing.

When we were on our ride back home I received a text from her, she wouldn't had come anyways bc she had been taking meds that basically blacked her out bc they were too strong. But I'm sorry did Ms. "Don't worry, I'll be fine for that date" was trying to say that she indeed wasn't OK?!

So yeah, she text that, and I was like "ok" but oh man that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't all mad, people make mistakes, but boi oh boi, I had plenty of other emotions to share.

After that she texted me again with an excuse also saying that "my thoughts will be empty without you on them" and it felt... I..felt So worthless... I don't even know how to put all that in words, but I was fourious more bc of that sentence than anything else, it was like she though that telling me nice things like that(she's always saying stuff like that btw, abt how much she loves and appreciate my friendship) that I was just going to calm down. The never god, THE NERVE.

Also to clarify, I don't believe any of it, I don't think that if someone appreciates you so much as a friend will do all the stuff she does or maybe, I just put to much of myself on people and wait the same in return or whatever.

But I do deserve some respect!

Anyway I've spent the last few days trying to ignore her and asking her for time to think this through w a cool head, but I'm apparently speaking in Chinese bc fcking hell she's doing all the opposite.

Even tho I told her that I don't want to see her for the time being she said that she wants to see me and give me a present.

And I don't want this present whaterver it is bc, it doesn't feels natural, it doesn't feel like something you give someone bc you appreciate them, instead it feels like "I'm sorry, so chill out" kind of thing. I mean, she has never given me anything, no even for my birthday( also, she has never, never! congratulated me on my birthday, and every year in there like a dog wishing her a good b-day) so, I'm just guessing that, for some reason she wants to return all stuff that I've gave her, Idk that's the only thing I can think of.

I've replay different scenarios to solve this in my head and I just got 3 options left, and each leaves me w a bad taste in my mouth.

I can choose either:

never speak w her again, and even I wanted to, my pride wouldn't allow me to do so. So this is a for good thing.

Act like nothing happened, mistakes happen, "don't worry I don't care as much as it looks" she will forget abt this trust me, but I'm risking myself for the same thing to happen again.

Or I could keep talking to her, but it will no be the same, I wouldn't talk to her like I used to and every thing will be awkward, we're not even that close, I'm closer to the people I've met this year on college than this five years that I have w her, however it looks like she doesn't see it like this.

I'm kinda pointing to the 3rd one, whatever I do, it not will be the same anymore.

Also she seems very determined and convicted that I will stop talking to her so....

IDK. I don't know what to do. I was hopping to go to my psychologist and ask for advice.

I still have a light crush on her, that's why this is so difficult, Idk, she kinda makes me feel wanted, even if it's a lie, it's nice to hear someone that they're grateful for meeting you. I'm not that mad anymore, I'm more mad at the fact that she didn't cancel me when I offered her and that she couldn't take half a second of her time to text me and say that she wouldn't go than the whole thing. I know she's sick and have a complicated life, but Fuck, think abt how you affect others w your actions.

[creamysouls]

It’s been a while

since the last time I’m writing on this. Actually, I have written this yesterday but something went wrong on tumblr so my post couldn’t posted. I’m mad of course I had spent more than an hour to write that. But I will try to write again.

So many things happened in these past few weeks. I had a boyfriend and such but it only lasted for 3 weeks lol. Let’s start from this past 3 days.

Two days before.

As usual I was in my room and I wanted to eat with someone, anybody honestly. So I started to text my friends or who I thought could be my company. But no one could, of course I understand this because they have a life. Before that I already felt lonesome and all and I texted my best friends to come here to visit me because I have no one. Of course once again, they couldn’t. Then after no one would want to eat with me, I called my best friend. At first she didn’t pick up but when I called again, she did. She told me she just had finished work and I tried as much as I can to not crying because she’s already tired. But when she said what happened, I burst into tears. I begged her to come here to visit me. I told her that I had no one. I have no one. And I was crying and I couldn’t remember the last time I cried that hard. Then she told me she couldn’t. As always I truly understand this but somehow I still asked it anyway. The thing is, this feeling, I started to feel when I’m in Uni. My (ex)boyfriend once told me that he’s couldn’t be happy. Like really-happy happy. His happy more like usual-happy happy. And I asked why and he said he didn’t know he just lacks of emotion and it started since he was a child. Little did he know, I feel it too. I know how it feels to be usual-happy which doesn’t last long and somehow it just not recorded in “happy memories” memory in my brain. But he doesn’t know that. I’m the type of people who gets uncomfortable if someone knows me well or too well. My seven-years-bestfriend know this. So, he tends to ask me twice if I rejected anything that uncover my personality. So, yeah. I felt this too for a long time. I don’t remember the last time I feel really-truly-happy. I think when I was in high school. Before I graduated, before I started my life in Uni. Then my life is changed and I just feel this usual-happy afterwards. One day, my (ex)boyfriend read this book, The Catcher in the Rye, and he told me, actually he snapgrammed the book and said 10/10 relate. After he had finished it, I asked him if the main character really relates to him then he said yes. After that, I borrowed the book and started to read myself. That book is very unique. It made me laugh from the first 10 pages. The main character, Holden Caulfield, is something. Honestly, Holden is like the boy version of me despite I’m more emotional and I still believe in God. I can relate myself to him. How I always doing something depend on my mood and just like he said ““I’m not in the mood right now,” I said. I wasn’t, either. You have to be in the mood for those things.”. How I hate boring guys, “I don't understand boring guys. I really don't.”.  How my closest friends always told me to grow up and whenever I try to act mature, they never notice. Just like Holden thought “I don't give a damn, except that I get bored sometimes when people tell me to act my age. Sometimes I act a lot older than I am – I really do – but people never notice it. People never notice anything.”. I’m the kind of person who I don’t know how to explain it but I am both care or not give a damn at all. At some point, I don’t care if someone hates me or someone wears something that unpleasant my eyes and all and once my classmate told me that I am ignorant person just because I don’t know who he or she that she talked about, she said that she is very popular in our faculty but I don’t care so. I don’t care if someone so beautiful that everybody knows them as long as they don’t disturb my life and they don’t looking for trouble with me, I will not give any single thought about them. And I think if I don’t know them, they are not that popular, that’s all. At the other point, I care with some people, especially my best friends and my family. I even care what those bitch*s in my class talk about me. The rumors. Somehow when I listened to what they said about me, just for the sake of my curiosity, and I would over-thinking it until I’m full of negative vibes. My seven-years-best-friend once told me that I have this big curiosity and it will jeopardize me. And I just responded it with laugh. I also care with this world. I hate people who act any kind of violence. I hate people who don’t care about our world we live in. Who spit their saliva everywhere on the road. So fuck*ing disgusting. Who throw their garbage everywhere. I hate that people. I’m willing to spend hundreds of rupiahs a month just to buy The Bo*dy Shop products for my skin care because I am against animal testing. I think my (ex)boyfriend when we were together, he just saw this side of I am instead the other one so that’s why when we broke up he said to me that we’re too different. And I responded with laugh again. I was fcking laughing instead of crying I don’t know why I think because I had expected it coming, that finally he’s tired of me and all and finally ended our relationship. I always think about death. People said that if we’re dead, we still can see our funeral, we can see people the ones who crying for us and the one who don’t. And I always think about it. I guess just few people would come to my funeral because I’m not kind person, I’m not a lovely person whom everyone loves. I’m not like that. I’m annoying and sensitive and all. I’m not even funny person. But somehow, I’m still wondering if people loved me and they would cry in my funeral and pray for me. I also like to fantasize about someone’s reaction if something had happened to me. If one day I got an accident and people would cry for me and they regretted their mistakes and what they had done to me. I know I’m crazy. When I read this alike scene, when Holden always fantasizes about how he pretending he had a bullet and he would call Jane and she would bandage his wound, I don’t know if someone did that too. Somehow it makes us feel that we’re important and loved in this fantasy mind which opposite to the reality. How Holden doesn’t like a gift from his mother because it is not what he wants. I also relate to this part. So for my last birthday, two of my best friends gave me a sketch of my and their faces in a framed. The thing is, I hate looking at my own face. I don’t know why I just do. And another thing is I don’t know if my face is that ugly or the one who made it didn’t know how to sketch someone’s face. But at the same time, I was feeling happy because finally someone gave me a present for my birthday. I know what I said it shows the ungrateful attitude but I don’t care though because this is what I truly feel. I would be just like Holden feels “but it made me sad anyway. Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad.”. Last weekend, I went to Jakarta to have a little escape from this city and its people. Two weeks before, in the midnight, I feel depressed and lonely and just wanted to get out from here and then I texted my mom that I wanted to go to Jakarta to visit my sister and I begged her to allow me. I was kinda miss her though, my sister. Then the next morning, I bought a ticket immediately after she called me that she allowed me to go there. Just like Holden thought the night he left Pencey “I just didn't want to hang around any more. It made me too sad and lonesome. […] Besides, I sort of needed a little vacation. My nerves were shot. They really were.”. I always want to do what he did. How many times that I have this urge to get out from here is countless. I really want to go somewhere far from here without saying to anyone and only said “good bye ya morons!” to these people. But I’m not that brave. I’m still thinking what my parents would think about it and how they would be disappointed on me and they would blame me and said how could I give up my education and scholarship and what do you want to be in the future and all. It’s so frustrating the more I think about it. So, one day, the day we broke up, my (ex)boyfriend and I, I asked him which Catcher in the Rye’s character am I to him and he said I am Ackley. The disgusting and pimply Ackley. Honestly I’m thinking the same of him, without the disgusting side of course. He was always there, you know. If you wanted to eat together with someone or just felt lonely, or just like Holden thought to himself “Boy, did I feel rotten. I felt so damn lonesome.” No matter how he always judges Ackley, he still reaches out for him. Because Ackley, he just always there. Holden hates people, he hates how the society turned out to be, but at the same time he feels lonely. This is how I feel towards him. He then asked me if I ever thought that I am Phoebe to him and I said no. I have some kind of feeling that I want to be just like her, you know. But I am Holden too. That’s why this thing is not working I guess. I hope we both find our Phoebe. One or several times,he made me feel like he was my own Phoebe. The way he always there. The way, I hate people, I really do, but I don’t hate him, the way he was not like the other people. The way he concerned about me. How he made me feel really-truly-happy happy. It made me sad of writing this. A few days after we broke up, I didn’t realize that I lost something until one day I feel lonely and when I reached out for him, he wasn’t there anymore. It still makes me depressed until now. No, not 100% because of him, how silly is that sound. It’s just, I feel this feeling, depressed and lonesome and sad for a really long time and I started really feeling this when I graduated and first time I came to Uni. Just like Hannah Baker said “I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting the events in my life, the more my heart collapsed.”. And now I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t read, I’m just like Esther Greenwood after she came back from New York. I tried to finish The Bell Jar book but I can’t and it’s been more than a week and the book only has 244 pages. He once said that he is always tired after I asked him if he was tired or not and I asked him why. I do too, you know, I always ask him “why?” even though I know perfectly well but I wanted to hear what he would say. And he said it is just what he regularly feels. I’m tired because I always feel tired and sad and I’m looking for a day when I truly happy and not tired anymore but it doesn’t come. It just, I don’t know, it feels like I’m paying for my sins which I don’t remember. Maybe. or maybe not. Maybe yeah this is how my life goes. I don’t know though.

Yesterday.

Yesterday, all I was doing was staying at my room and eating and watching Game of Thrones season 3. Then my mom called me and I asked her if I could go back to my hometown next month at the first week for ten days and she said yes I could but she still needed to ask my father first. At midnight I started to write a post of what happened and my thoughts on the day before. I also thought about going to psychologist the next day to figure out what happened to me and what’s wrong with me am I really depressed or not but I don’t know if I could tell a stranger the story of my life and I didn’t want to wasting my time to just sit in silence in front of him/her. Also I was going to buy a box of blades but it was raining outside so.. tomorrow I guess.

Today.

This morning I wake up at 9.45 am. Not really wake up though. I was trying to sleep at 3 am but I couldn’t. I don’t know but this can’t-sleep-problem has happened to me for few weeks. Then I did my homework, eating some crackers, and went to Uni at 12.30 pm. After quiz, I went to the toilet. At first I thought I just wanted to piss but suddenly I felt like I didn’t want to go to class and depressed and started calling 500454 but it told me that it was wrong number and turned out the hotline doesn’t work anymore (smh indone*ia) so I tried to call my mom and she didn’t pick up until one of my classmates entered and at first I didn’t want to cry then she asked me why are you okay then my tears came out. I told her I wanted to kill myself. Then she suggested me to go to a psychologist and told them what happened because she wasn’t an expert and she couldn’t help. After class, I went to a shopping market to buy a box of razors which only cost 3 thousand rupiahs and then I went to my room.

Tonight.

I have made a start. At first, I’m staring at the box for a few minutes then start laughing because I don’t know what to do and how to do it and I don’t have any courage to slash my wrist with it and then I’m crying. Then I tried to call my best friends, just want to hear what they would say, searching for any one who still cares for me. First, I tried to call Sonya. She didn’t pick up because she’s still in Uni I guess. Then, I called Noora and she picked up. I asked her where she is and she turned to ask me am I crying then I said I don’t know how to use this blade and I listened the zombie voice came out from within then she started to tell me why and to stop and I burst into tears I told her why the hell no one would come over here and I begged her to visit me because I have no one, I repeat this sentence over and over and she finally asked me to calm down and I hang up the phone and she started to text and call me again but I don’t have energy to pick up so I just staring at it until my mom calls me. I don’t know why my mom always knows when I’m sad and all and she would call me out of nowhere just to ask if I have eaten or not. After I tried as much as I can to use my regular voice, she hang up. And I started looking at the blades again and I pick one and tried to use it. I feel nothing. And I try again and again until I see the redness flower blooming from my wrist and I just watching it for few seconds before rubbing it with tissue. Then I’m feeling exhausted and sleep and I wake up and eat and watch Game of Thrones again and I write this. Until now. 03.14 am in the morning.