#it's a good year for my new years resolution to be drawing at minimum once a week

[crowcryptds]

[tucks hair behind ear] so i may have finished fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

[doublerainebow]

Artist Resources (Part 1?)

This is basically just going to be a bunch of resources I have found to be useful. I can’t say that I’ve used all of them, but I’m sure they’re all worth checking out.

I’m also gonna try to put a detailed description for most of the links so you have a better idea of what you’re getting. I apologize in advance if some of them are redundant lol

(I put “Part 1″ if in the case I make another one)

~Links to Tutorials, Tips, Resources, etc~

Another Resource List -- Leads to another Tumblr post. Apparently, the post isn’t mobile-friendly, so it’s suggested to view this on Tumblr browser. Has a bunch of other links. I’ve checked out a few of them (mainly the copyright stuff lol), and it seems that some of the links may be a bit outdated. Still, it doesn’t hurt to check out the links.

Arms and Legs -- Leads to another Tumblr post. A handy tutorial on elbow and knee placement.

Art & Game Dev -- This leads to my personal playlist of a bunch of YouTube videos. Has a bunch of tutorials and interesting videos that I’ve collected over the course of a few years lol.

Blamblot -- A website that contains resources and tutorials on comic lettering. This is primarily in reference to western comics, but it doesn’t help to take a looksie.

Commission Calculator -- Leads to another Tumblr post. Helps artists to stop selling themselves short.

Comparing Heights (hikaku-sitatter) -- A height comparer for centimeters.

Comparing Heights -- A height comparer for feet and inches.

Mouth Shapes and Lip-Syncing -- Leads to another Tumblr post. Useful for... drawing mouth shapes.

Reference Angle -- Useful for when you’re trying to map out a face from an odd angle.

Soft Proofing for Printing -- Leads to another Tumblr post. Helps when you’re trying to make prints of your artwork.

Textures -- A website full of different and mostly free textures. While this website is made for 3D texturing, it can also be useful for 2D drawings. Signing up gives you 15 free credits everyday, and you can use those credits to download some textures for free.

The Models Resource -- A website of models ripped from a wide array of games.

The Spriters Resource -- A website of sprites ripped from a wide array of games.

The Textures Resource -- A websites of textures ripped from a wide array of games. 

~Links to Stock Images~

Please check out whatever policies they may have for their images before using them!

(not sure if any of them are active anymore as I followed some of these accounts a long time ago when I used to be more active on Deviant Art lol)

adorkastock (formerly senshistock)

anatoref -- Leads to another Tumblr post. Has a bunch of hand photo references

charligal-stock

HumanAnatomy4Artist -- Does contain nudity

null-entity

PhelanDavion

RobynRose

~Links to Other Artists~

Akihito Yoshitomi -- Yoshitomi is a mangaka who has tutorials on manga making. He also has an insightful series in which he drafts and draws a 30-page manga in 18 days. Remember that every artist works differently and his process may be different from another’s.

Drawfee -- Drawfee is an improv drawing show of four artists: Nathan Yaffe, Jacob Andrews, Julia Lepetit, and Karina Farek. While they don’t have tutorials in a sense, their videos explain the different processes they go through as they draw. They also occasionally provide tips, tricks, and resources in their videos. They do have another channel and a Twitch channel where they host drawing classes in addition to other fun shenanigans.

EtheringtonBrothers -- Has a bunch of useful and eye-catching tutorials called “How to Think When You Draw”.

Mark Crilley -- Mark is a comic artist, specializing in manga, who has a bunch of tutorials about anatomy, perspective, comic making, and other things.

Miyuli -- Miyuli is an artist who posts tutorials on their Twitter. Their tutorials range from anatomy to clothing to other things. They even have a few books of art tips. Currently (as of the time of posting this), their 2018 version is free for download, so I highly recommend you download that. Some tips may be outdated, but they should still be helpful.

Whyt Manga (Twitter/YouTube) -- Odunze is a comic artist, specializing in manga, that has a bunch of tutorials on manga making and drawing characters of color.

~Links to Free Programs~

Blender -- A free 3D program if you’re into 3D modeling and such. I also personally haven’t used Blender (I use Maya lol), but I know it’s a respectable program.

Krita -- A free painting program if you can’t afford Photoshop or Clip Studio Paint. I personally haven’t used Krita, but I have recommended it to a few friends and they have positive reviews about it.

Paint Tool SAI -- Okay, this one isn’t free, but it’s a significantly cheaper painting program where you don’t have to pay a subscription. It’s 5,500JPY (~50 USD). I’m not sure how well it still works on modern computers (the last update was 2016), but I still use it here and there because I love the pen tool feature it has, and it still works like a charm for me.

~General Tips From Raine~

Raine admits that she’s guilty of not following her own advice, but Raine hopes that the tips that she does know will be beneficial to someone who will follow them. She’s also going to keep all her tips under the cut so as to not make this post a huge wall of text (even though it technically already is lol)

Also, if you have some resources, tutorials, tips yourself, please feel free to send them to me and maybe I’ll make a part 2 to this post!

ALWAYS LOOK FOR REFERENCE. This should really go without saying. You can’t draw from life if you refuse to observe life itself.

If you can’t find the exact thing you need, MAKE YOUR OWN REFERENCE. Time and time again, I can’t find something exactly that I need. So instead, what I do is that I take pictures of my own reference. Sometimes I even grab a friend and take pictures of them doing whatever it is I need.

Have a mirror handy when you’re drawing. Sometimes what you need is actually right there in front of you.

Having trouble drawing something? Do some studies. Take the time to understand what it is you’re drawing. I can’t remember the exact story, but I heard that the people who were working on Tarzan were having a hard time drawing his hands. So, what they did was spend a few hours looking at hands to try and understand how they work.

IT’S OKAY TO STUDY THE ART OF OTHER ARTISTS. Just as we look to the old masters as a reference, it’s definitely okay to look at modern-day artists for reference. Just don’t go copying exactly everything that they do, or worse, trace what they do. Just don’t do it... at all.

Not every line needs to be realized. The viewer of your work will automatically connect the dots.

DO NOT TRASH YOUR OLD DRAWINGS. Please, never ever do this. Your old drawings have value to them, even if they look terrible to you. Old drawings may hold ideas for things you could do for the future. They also serve as a way to see how far you’ve come as an artist.

GETTING BETTER AT DRAWING TAKES TIME AND EFFORT. You’re not gonna get better overnight. It’ll take months, or even years, to feel like you’re a competent artist, and even then, you’ll still have room for improvement.

DON’T LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF IF YOU’RE TAKING A LONG TIME TO GET BETTER. It’ll be better for your mental health in the long run.

Alternatively, DON'T LOOK DOWN ON OTHER ARTISTS EITHER, ESPECIALLY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. You know the struggles it took for you to get where you are, so don’t go putting down other people when you’ve been in their shoes once.

KEEP DRAWING. If you’re not making an effort to get better, then you’re not going to be better. I get that it’s hard to find the inspiration to draw (I’m very guilty of this), but just keep trying. It doesn’t have to be big or spectacular. You don’t even have to post it if you’re the type who likes to post their art stuff.

Try to find references from real-life. It’ll help you better understand form, lighting, shadows, etc., especially if you’re going for a more realistic kind of art style. Otherwise, finding reference from things like cartoons, anime, comics, etc. are just as good.

Try new things. Try new art mediums. Try a different art style. Switch up the way you do things. Maybe you’ll hate it, maybe you’ll like it. Who knows if you don’t try.

Watch time-lapses (or speed draws/speed paints) of other artists!

Pinterest and Google are your friends if you need tutorials or references or whatever.

If you’re offering commissions, DO NOT WORK UNDER YOUR LOCAL MINIMUM WAGE. You are literally devaluing the work you actually put into a piece.

I like to think I’m an aficionado of Photoshop, so feel free to ask me questions on how to achieve something! I’ve used Photoshop for about 11 years now and know my way around the program. On another note, I do recommend setting custom keyboard shortcuts in Photoshop because the default shortcuts are terrible (in my opinion), and because having custom shortcuts increases the speed of your workflow.

Because I’ve been seeing this a lot lately in Twitter, you’re never too old to start in art. Art is just one of those things that anyone can pick up at any age because the only thing you really need to get good in art is time, diligence, and patience.

Try not to post hi-res images of your artwork to prevent art stealers from selling your artwork in high resolution.

Always, always, always add your signature and watermark on your artwork. I like to add my signatures and watermarks in places that’ll be hard to erase or crop out. I’ve also seen people add their signatures and watermarks in creative ways (ex. on a character’s shirt). You need to protect your work in an era where people will just blatantly steal it and make profit off your work.

Tag List

@reality-is-often-disappointing

[phoenotopia]

The Last Phoenotopia Blog Update

(Date 2021 MAR 01)

I debated how to open this blog post, but perhaps the main crux of this blog post is the best place to start. The blog is being retired.

The purpose of this blog was to be a "development" blog for Phoenotopia, and well, Phoenotopia's development is done. I'll still be doing bug fixes and maintenance on the PC and Switch versions, and playstation and xbox ports are underway (by a publisher). But I'm not going to be making any more major changes to the game. At some point, you put the paintbrush down and say it's done. Blemishes and all.

Recent Events

The game launched on Steam last month, and like any launch, it was hectic. Bugs Galore. This is our first commercial PC launch, so it was a real baptism by fire. Unlike Switch's one configuration, the PC has multiple configurations and factors to account for. The game needed to be able to handle multiple control schemes, screen resolutions, refresh rates, and more! I had a 60Hz monitor going into launch and didn't know anything about Hz (I do now). There was a troublesome stutter that some players were sensitive to that my whole team didn't notice since our eyes compensated it away. There were a few times where in fixing something at one party's behest, it introduced problems for another party. A few times, due to disorganization, I unwittingly rolled back a fix that was meant to be applied. For some, the game couldn't play at all (really glad Steam allows refunds).

It was messy. It was tiring. I.AM.BEAT.

I think the worst of it is over... I'll still be around to do the last updates and bug fixes, but I'm ultimately ready for what's next.

SO what is next?

What isn't next... is Phoenotopia 2. As you may have heard down the grapevine, the game couldn't be what you call successful. No one's earned even minimum wage on it.

Maybe there's hope in the game's long tail. A year or two down the line... maybe. I won't hold my breath though. At some point in the past few months, I finished processing (or grieving) and it's time to move on.

The game has at least earned enough for us to continue our modest operations. As long as we don't expand the team, and we don't take another monster six-year dev cycle like what Phoenotopia took, we can continue. We'll have to be smarter and faster. Perhaps the most valuable thing we gained from all this is experience.

The Experience

It is a dev blog. Here are some of the lessons I've accumulated from this game's development.

- Have a good menu design. Menus aren't just that in-between fluff before you get to the good stuff. Menus are KEY. Your menus need to be robust, expandable, and *understandable* (to you, the developer). Because once the game's out, you will invariably be asked to add more options. And if your menu design is bad, every time you have to add a new menu option, it becomes a whole new pain all over again. Support mouse from the get-go, etc.

- Focus on features that people will actually care about. For instance, I've never seen anyone praise the camera's zoom feature. In practice, people try that feature a few times and then never use it again. But that feature was a constant consideration factor for every level. Run through it multiple times to make sure the level didn't break, think about which zoom levels made sense, resize rooms because they worked at one zoom level but not the other, and so on.

- Don't do boxes that you can move around. Other 2D platformers avoid movable boxes because they're a huge headache to program and they really complicate the game space. Enemies need to respond to boxes you throw in their path and either navigate around or attack it. When you're moving the box, you have to worry about constantly changing your collision size and reconciling when the box gets snagged on the environment. The boxes were also a constant source of bugs because people can manipulate them to soft-lock themselves and more.

- More focused script. Phoenotopia's 100,000+ word script was panned more for being bloated than it was praised for being lengthy. Long scripts take a long time to write and make the game more unwieldy, increasing the costs of translation and upkeep. Every update we're addressing some textual error or mistranslation. There are some highly renowned games (e.g. Hyper Light Drifter) that do without a script at all!

- Be flashy! A bat and a lightsaber take the same amount of work to program, but the lightsaber will draw a lot more attention and interest.

- Slopes, surprisingly! Six years ago when I started, Unity was ill-equipped for 2D games. If you used the physics that Unity provided you'd have a really floaty character that wouldn't adhere to the slope when going downhill. There were a hundred different tutorials saying different things (use forces, use move position, use translation, etc). You can get rectangular collisions done in a day, but to do slopes took weeks. Meanwhile, games can actually get by fine without slopes. Most people won't even notice. Did you know the Phoenotopia flash game didn't have slopes? Neither does Hollow Knight or Rogue Legacy. You can save yourself a lot of work by avoiding slopes.

(big entities look weird on slopes. Bad slope!)

I could write enough little knowledge nuggets like this to fill a book! But I'd rather just make the next game. 

So… what IS next?

As mentioned previously, it's not Phoenotopia 2. Pirate and I are mostly just tossing some ideas back and forth right now. We'll go silent for a year (or two). Our next game's scope will be more modest in some ways, more ambitious in others. It will definitely be more smartly designed. (There will be a map!)

We'll announce it when it's ready for the public. It might be necessary for us to do a kickstarter. I've tried to avoid kickstarters having been burnt on quite a few myself and also because I worry that mismanaging a kickstarter would earn the ire of backers.

But I did keep this blog regularly updated for six years. So I've gained some confidence in my abilities to at least manage a kickstarter well.

Is it really the last Phoenotopia Blog update though?

Okay, not really. There is some news that I'll need to announce, and this blog is one of the game's main outreach channels. Here are the events that will cause me to update the blog:

Announcing the launch of the xbox/playstation ports when they're ready

If a physical edition of the game happens

If a new language is getting introduced into the game (Korean is a high possibility)

When we're ready to talk about our next game

If (BIG IF) we begin development on a Phoenotopia sequel. I do want to do a sequel one day if we have the means and the demand is there. 

Those updates will be more on a "when they happen" basis, rather than me reporting in every couple months.

Fan Art

As always, I'm very happy to see fanart of Phoenotopia. Major thanks again to Pimez for collecting all the artwork from the corners of the internet! Since this is the "last" blogpost, Sir Pimez can finally take a rest from collecting the fanart :P

ÆV made a series of pictures that tell a story. A Pooki is humanely sheared of its wool to create a hat. The Pooki is unharmed. Nice! Gotta love Gail’s expressions.

Amagoo Mazeru makes a stunning landscape shot of a full moon and shooting stars. It’s a sharp and clear vector art. I like the faint glow of the moon and the fire and the subtle gradient in the night sky. Very skillfully done!

Hah hah. I got a chuckle out of this one. I imagine this is how Gail's enemies see her by the end of the game. CaESar made this image based on TerminalMontage's famous youtube videos. Nailed it!

CrownStar drew two pictures of Gail. I'm a big player of JRPGs, so the first shot instantly reminded me of Persona 4's art style. (Hmmm... Phoeonotopia as a JRPG... there’s potential there...) Next, Birdy is shown carried off after her defeat. I really like Birdy's expression here - she just seems mildly uncomfortable.

There's a bit of a story behind the first image. As Firanka shares it, she wasn't able to defeat the Big Eye monster at the end of the flash game, so she believed a tall tale that what awaited after was a 6 armed Kobold boss. Hilarious! The second is a rendition of the lonely Anuri elder. A rare subject. The loneliness is portrayed well here. I feel lonely just looking at it!

Koo_chop draws the clash between Gail and Katash at the top of the towers. I really like this interpretation of the game's art style. It’s faithful to the in-game graphics. And the lighting, from the glow of Gail's bat, to Katash's sword, and the lightning in the background... Amazing!

Lime Hazard shows Gail with a salute pose. Very appropriate for this occasion. I also like how there's a slight tilt in the angle that Gail is portrayed. Those dynamic angles are always hard to get right, and Lime Hazard pulled it off very skillfully. See you next mission!

Lyoung0J with a digital painting of Gail posed sitting on a rock. I like how it almost seems like she was caught in a candid moment - she’s smiling, but also feeling self-conscious. Cute! The art style really pops, and I like how Gail is sporting what I call the old anime style nose. 

MyUesrNameIsSh*t with a sketch of Gail performing a skillful slingshot. I like how Gail is depicted with her tongue out in a mischievous manner, the way all mischievous people with slingshots do.

Niitsu Kentaro returns with a 2021 Happy New Year picture. That happened didn't it? A New Year... Gail's pose gave me a chuckle with how she seems to be waving the bat around as casually as one would wave hello. And "Phoenotopiyear"... Well said! One day we'll have our Phoenotopiyear...

Ochan Nu breaks all records with a stunning NINE pictures in one session :O

There's so many goodies here. My favorite would be the one with Gail staring intently at the screen - it's like she's looking directly at you. You almost feel uncomfortable.

Next, there's an Animal Crossing villager dressed as Gail and sporting her pink hair. It even looks like a house Gail would live in. Gail is a connoisseur of the arts and likes Mona Lisa. Yes :)

There are various comics of Gail pointing out Gail's weird food habits. A picture of Fran looking really cool, and even Gail rocking a bathing suit. (bathing suit image linked here in case NSFW). Wow!

Pimez didn't just collect the arts, he creates them as well! This one, which he aptly named 'The Year 175' is a depiction of when the dragons invaded the towers as told by an elderly Daean woman. Great pixeling skills! I got a good chuckle from the ice dragon leaving with its stuff slung over its shoulder.

Quo made a stunning picture of Gail playing the flute surrounded by the 5 musical notes and the Phoenix logo behind her. The theme seems to be "fire" and it works really well. Gail herself looks awesome depicted in her red suit - it's like she's leading a marching band!

Rai Asuha depicts Gail in the late game with her red suit, and night star bat, and holding a lamp. She looks ready for adventure! I really like the white outline here and Gail's poofy shoulders here - the art style feels reminiscent of Final Fantasy Tactics.

Seri also draws Gail bearing her late game equipment. Unique to Seri's drawing is how all of Gail's equipment is accessible from a pocket on her shirt. I also like how Gail is depicted with her lucky earrings - that accessory is often forgotten.

Treedude depicts Gail with a bat and wearing a funny smirk. She looks like she's ready to hurt someone!

Warotar returns with everyone's favorite Great Drake, Bubbles! It seems so happy to be featured!

I'm really grateful for all the fanart this game has received. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Closing Notes

Pirate drew a picture to mark the occasion. It shows Gail enjoying a hot chocolate with marshmallows and a pumpkin muffin. A rest well-earned...

Goodbye! Until next time!

[lizacstuff]

Anon asks: SCK Fragman 38 speculation

(Asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: Do you think they're getting married this next episode? idk if the tattoos were confirmation

I think it’s possible? But I also think it’s entirely possible that they get the tattoos as a symbol of their love and a promise of sorts that they are through messing around, but they’re not actually married yet.  Frankly, they already gave us all the wedding hoopla with these two, I’m absolutely fine with an elopement or quick courthouse style wedding, or just a couple of witnesses in a garden. Whatever they want! Let’s just get her done.

Also... I know I said it before, but I’m just in love with the idea of these tattoos. Such a great solution to their ring issue. 

Anonymous said: Thoughts on all these twitter theories from the “sick” line in the fragman?

- it’s about piril and engins kid bc basak and anil filmed in the hospital, and piril was hit by a car in 36 and in 37 she had that moment where she clutched her abdomen and had to sit down

- it’s a flashback serkan has to when his brother alp was sick

- serkan is sick and it’s a way to reveal Kemal as his bio dad (blood or organ donation)

- serkan is sick and it’s a way to reveal eda is pregnant when they draw blood from her to donate

That fragman could be hinting at so many things, and it very well could have been misleading. So lets take each theory in turn. 

“it’s about piril and engins kid bc basak and anil filmed in the hospital, and piril was hit by a car in 36 and in 37 she had that moment where she clutched her abdomen and had to sit down”

Very possible. Engin thinking something had happened to Piril two eps ago did feel like foreshadowing, almost preparing the audience for something. It would be so heartbreaking if she loses the baby, and seems too dark for this show, but it is something that happens to millions of women, so we’ll see.

Also can you imagine after the way Piril stuck by Selin, if Piril lost her baby, and she then witnesses Selin using her baby as a pawn to get revenge on Serkan and Eda?  I’d like to see Piril and Engin’s reaction to that. Though again I think that’s pretty dark, especially for the side couple. 

- it’s a flashback serkan has to when his brother alp was sick

I think this is a very good guess. Serkan probably will see a doctor after he passed out, and if it is another panic attack brought on by the stress of losing Eda, I could see a doctor telling him if he wants to move past the panic attacks, he needs to get at the root of his abandonment issues, which all lead back to his brother’s death. That could be why he’s getting out a box of his things and reading that letter.  So I could very well see a flashback happening to Alp’s diagnosis.

- serkan is sick and it’s a way to reveal Kemal as his bio dad (blood or organ donation)

I’m honestly fully onboard with Kemal as Serkan’s bio dad.  I hear a lot of people poopooing the idea because of opportunity, but I think they told us when it could have happened. In their first meeting, (unless my subs were bad) Aydan mentioned that Kemal had returned once to apologize for standing her up when they were young and going to run away together. I assume that was the window. Kemal showed up years later (after Alp was born) to apologize.. they had a fling and there’s the opportunity for Serkan to be his son. 

Though, to me, if they’re doing something with Serkan’s health it’s got to be related to the plane crash. The chest clutching since he’s been back is concerning, plus wasn’t his hand shaking at one point? So I don’t see him having some serious underlying issue that’s unrelated. This guy does not shy away from going to the doctor and was just in the hospital for probably over a month recovering, so you’d think if there was anything wrong before, we’d know it.  Unless the plane crash acerbated something that’s genetic? And/or requires a match like bone marrow or kidney. I suppose they could give Serkan some rare blood type and that would be something applicable to most any ailment. We shall see. 

- serkan is sick and it’s a way to reveal eda is pregnant when they draw blood from her to donate

This one I think is the least likely. It’s been very fuzzy how much time has passed, but at the minimum 3 months since they were supposed to get married and were having sex, so if Eda were pregnant I think she would have noticed the signs by now.  

Anonymous said: Liza, I know they won’t kill Serkan, but could you reassure me that they won’t? I’ve followed you since Once and you were always good at reassuring.

Ha! I remember making lists of all the reasons they would never kill Hook. 

THEY WON’T KILL SERKAN.

And I’m even more certain of this than I ever was of them not killing Hook, and I was damn certain then. 

There is literally not ONE reason for this show to exist without Eda and Serkan. Not one. This is their love story, and really, storyline wise, the show should have ended awhile ago, and the only reason they keep it going is to keep Hande and Kerem on screen together, making their magic. Seriously, that’s the only reason.

You see how Serkan dying would be counter to that, right?  And if the show were about to end, trust me, there is nothing in it for anyone to have a tragic ending. This started as a romantic comedy, and will end as one, with a happily ever after. And if you’re still nervous, trust this, the production company is still hopeful to sell it into even more foreign markets, especially English language ones, a surprise tragic, twist ending that gets vilified on social media (and trust me this fandom is huge, vocal and capable) would really hurt those chances. 

So even if we’re headed into a bad diagnosis for Serkan, he will be fine in the end, it will just be something for him and Eda to fight through. I promise. 

Anonymous said: thoughts on that wonderfully beautiful fragman? i was watching with hearts in my eyes and then read the translations.. poor serkan!! if it really isn't misleading i definitely think it's some consequence of the plane crash. but, we are secure in what kind of show this is and the full knowledge that it's not a drama and no one is gonna actually die, i'm excited for the potential this storyline is gonna give us!! (esp with the return of the old writers)

I can’t wait to see that rain scene, and the after-the-rain scene and their motorcycle ride. The fragman was very beautiful, but it also felt very poignant and a little melancholy.

It’s interesting with the announcement that the second writing team was back, there were tidbits from several legit entertainment-type reporters yesterday that the show was going back to it’s roots being funny and entertaining.  So a terrible diagnosis for one of the current characters, especially the romantic leading man, doesn’t really fit with that. 

It the writers hadn’t changed I’d be more concerned, not about a character dying, just about the show leaning into some big sort of health-related melodrama.  But I think whatever might be happening will be in service to the plot.  As far as Serkan having a health-scare related to the crash, as I said above it’s very plausible. I mean what are the chances that a man survives a plane crash, is fished out of the sea, spends weeks in a hospital, gets amnesia and is perfectly fine 3-4 months later with no other repercussion? Doesn’t seem possible! 

Anonymous said: Liza, the second set of writers is really coming back! We might actually get comeuppance for Selin!

YESS!!!!! Please. I had completely lost hope with the last set of writers who seemed hellbent on normalizing her behavior.  Look I’d be fine with a 3 minute conversation where Serkan tells her that he knows she’s a manipulative liar and the baby is not his, that he wants her out of their lives for good, and that if she ever comes near Eda ever again he will personally destroy her. 

Is that so much to ask?

Though I’d like her to be humiliated in front of the rest of the team. Just so everyone knows what kind of psycho she is and no one in Edser’s orbit is tempted to give her another chance ever again. 

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.  With the news that Sarp Can (Deniz) is COVID positive, he obviously won’t be back on set anytime soon. They could probably get some VO from him if necessary, for a phone convo, but I’m gonna guess he’s done on screen. 

It’s time to write both characters out! 

As for the 22-23, 25-30 writers coming back, that is the best news I’ve had in ages.  They weren’t perfect, but the things they did well, they did really, really well. Their comedy, romantic scenes, heartfelt dialogue, accurate characterizations and penchant for sizzling scenes that “break the Turkish family structure” will all be most welcome. I’m really excited for the first time in ages. 

Anonymous said: Very interesting that the fragman did not address the Selin baby drama at all. It focused solely on Edser which was a welcome change while at the same time has me a bit nervous for the angst & drama no doubt headed our way. But if Eda & Serkan are together for good now to face the challenges coming then I cannot wait to watch. The last episode was so well done but Eda & Serkan were both near their breaking points for different reasons & you just felt awful for both of them. Really glad that the engagement did not happen and the show focused on the fallout from Serkan’s amnesia. And even had the side characters addressing how difficult things have been for Eda and that she might need some time before picking things back up with Serkan! Looking forward to the resolution of the baby story/exit of Selin and seeing Eda & Serkan heal together.

I hope that the fact that nothing Selin-related was addressed in the fragman means that we finally have people in charge who understand that we are so damned fatigued of Selin that featuring her an active deterrent for viewers.  Also I haven’t seen any evidence that Bige has been on set for 38. That doesn’t mean she hasn’t, it’s still possible, but it is encouraging that the ep will be  light on Selin. 

As far as the drama and angst, I think there’s more headed our way, however I’m hopeful it will be the good kind and not the kind that made us really uncomfortable and want to tear our hair out during the Selin/Deniz era. We know that Eda and Serkan must decide to stay together (spending time together, ring finger tattoos) so the point of the pregnancy storyline is done. When Eda found out Selin was pregnant, it gave Selin the chance for one last Hail Mary pass, and she took it, trying to break them up, but it failed. So it’s usefulness is over. She can’t keep the charade going because of Deniz, and because once Serkan has time to calm down and think, he’ll realize that any time in Slovania where he was so injured that it’s possible he doesn’t remember, he also would have been too physically incapacitated to do anything of the sort. 

As for Eda needing some time, yes, things in 36 were just too easy for Serkan in terms of the fallout from his amnesic behavior. Episode 37 made him work for it and I think come to terms with the fact that, Selin manipulations or no, there’s work to do and things he needs to atone for.  Putting her first throughout the episode, and showering her with love, was a good start. 

Anonymous said: The conversations Selin had with Eda, Serkan and Aydan in this episode had my blood boiling. Someone stop this psycho! The unnecessary hole digging was real, my god. I don't care if she's pregnant, don't hold Eda back this time and let her fight this snake. Let everyone fight her! If she's lying to Deniz now, he can fight her too.

I know, she reached new levels of abusive manipulation.  They better be planning a comeuppance, if she’s just allowed to leave with people waving goodbye, I will scream.  The Aydan conversation with her posing the question about abortion was something else. It came across to me more as a threat. Like... I’m thinking about doing this, if you don’t want my decision to be your fault, you better stay on the right side of me. 

The Eda and Serkan stuff goes without saying. It still floors me that she’s willing to pretend like she raped him (if he can’t remember because he was that injured and foggy, then it’s impossible for him to have given consent.) rather than just giving up and living the truth.  

Anonymous said: Like I get it (kind of) but I am so sick of watching Serkan be nice to Selin. Very much looking forward to Serkan chewing her out for how much she hurt Eda with this fake Serkan baby daddy story when she is exposed. I get that Serkan feels he is to blame for calling her to Slovenia in the first place & essentially in his mind giving her hope of them being together but he needs to stop excusing her horrible behavior from there. No decent person would take advantage of that situation the way she did. It seems like the only way that Selin will have an epic fall is if Deniz decides to fight for the kid he knows must be his and tell Eda everything. Going to be tough for her to believe initially but it will have to start making sense once she thinks back on things and then if the photos surface then she will know it must be true.

Agreed. I get Serkan’s guilt, and it actually shows what a good person he is, but he needs to get over it.  Because seriously, all Selin was obligated to do when she got his call was to hang up, and then dial one of the following: his mother, his father, his fiancé or best friend/business partner Engin. That’s it. Call them and say, hey, Serkan’s alive, this is where you’ll find him. But NOPE! Instead she decided to fly there, manipulate him, keep him hidden and try to use it to get back with him. She made him beholden to her, just another in the long line of brainwashing and manipulation. Her flying to his bedside was the wrong thing to do, and it would be great if someone beside Eda recognized that. 

Anonymous said: Even though Selin is the worst and I just cannot wait for her to finally be unmasked as the manipulator she is, I am really looking forward to Edser in the next episode. Eda taking care of Serkan after he passes out, the two of them reaffirming their commitment to each other with the tattoos & possible elopement, Eda reassuring Serkan that she will be at his side even if the kid turns out to be his and also the two of them working together to get to the truth. So darn excited! And if the spoilers are right that Deniz tells Eda the truth and Serkan sees the photos from Ferit then I will be so happy. It is time for Selin to go for good!

SELIN MUST GO. Yes, I think as soon as the news that Selin is pregnant and trying to pass it off as Serkan’s brain-fog baby, Ferit will unleash the photos. (if it’s him that has them).  

I just want Selin and Deniz gone so we can focus on other things. Their presence on this show is a energy drain, and I want to focus on rain frolicking, motorcycles and bed sharing!!!!!  

Anonymous said: I'm so glad that we had a scene of Serkan telling Eda that even without his memories he fell in love with her again, he just couldn't admit it. Serkan has an interesting perspective on the memory loss part of their lives where I think he almost feels too guilty about it all and just wants to move past it. I've noticed that in his dialogues in 36 & 37 where he wants to leave it in the past and basically do his all to make it all up to her in the present and future.

I think this is very well observed. He definitely was trying to leave the past in the past, but honestly I think that’s just laziness on the part of the old writers, not wanting to have to have a reckoning for all the things they had him say or do. Since the writers decided to go that way, I could buy it’s because Serkan feels too guilty about it all. We know how much he loathes making mistakes or being wrong or owing apologies. If that’s what they wanted to do, it would have gone a long way if they’d shown a bit more of him blaming himself, especially in 36. 

I was also very happy that Serkan came out and said that he’s fallen in love with her again. My only thing is I wish if they were going to do that, they would have thrown a little more detail in the dialogue. Like Serkan admitting to her that he started thinking about her all the time as soon as he returned and met her, maybe admit that he slept on his office couch clutching her wedding invitation.  A couple of things like that would have been very nice for Eda to hear. 

Anonymous said: SCK sure loves creating difficult situations for Eda & Serkan. I really felt for Serkan in the last episode especially since he was back to being the romantic robot we all love. He so baldly wants to make up for lost time with Eda that he rushes ahead with the proposal and then gets crushed when she rejects him. And then spends most of the episode frantically trying to figure out what is going on with her and trying to show her how much he loves her. I was really happy though that the show addressed a few different times how awful the last few months have been for Eda and it also made Serkan address it. His plan to just forget about everything and move forward did not happen. Loved that the side characters stepped up to remind him of everything he & Selin put Eda through. Not so crazy that the show decided to use Selin’s pregnancy as the plot device to get Serkan to finally realize “oh yeah, what happened since my accident is a very big deal & now I have to face it & come to terms with it” but still glad it happened. Selin is obviously so much more in the wrong than Serkan but let’s hope her downfall takes place in the next episode.

All of this.  I think you’re exactly right, Serkan tried to brush past everything and I’m glad that finally the other characters stepped up a little to help make him see that he had more work to do. Special shout out to Seyfi for his sassy comment about Serkan almost marrying another woman. And finally Piril was useful and acted like a friend, the first time she had since he returned.  

[inkedstarlight]

Bittersweet: Chapter 11

Summary: The Inner Circle rings in the New Year. Notes: Read it here on AO3! Warnings: brief mention of (implied) self-harm scars, themes of depression Bittersweet Masterlist

“I fucking hate the holidays,” was Emerie’s greeting to Nesta a couple days after Christmas.

Nesta glanced up from the drinkware she was cleaning to watch Emerie hang her jacket on the hanger in a huff. Her raven hair was pulled back in a loose braid, her eyes lined thickly with kohl and mascara. Nesta couldn’t help but smirk with amusement. “I take it seeing the family didn’t go well?”

Emerie snapped her head to glare into Nesta’s eyes. “They spent all of Hannukah lecturing me about doing something else with my life, something more respectable than 'slinging drinks around a dirty bar,’” she recalled with air quotes, her lip curled in disgust.  

Nesta dried the last glass. She threw the towel on the counter and turned to face her coworker. Crossing her arms, Nesta inquired, “And your response was?”

“I threatened to go into sex work.”

Nesta quirked a brow. “I thought you already worked at Euphoria on the weekends. If I recall correctly, you invited me to watch one of your performances.”

“Yes, Nesta, I'm aware that I'm already a stripper. That's the beauty of it. I threaten to join an even more unconventional line of work so they will accept my moderately unconventional job. They would much rather I bartend than strip.”

Nesta snorted. “I can’t argue with that logic.”

Before Emerie could try to convince Nesta to visit her at Euphoria again, Helion swooped in from behind them. He planted a loud kiss on Emerie's cheek. She feigned disgust, wiping the spot where his lips had been. Turning to him, Emerie smacked his chest playfully.

"Hello to you, too. You look ravishing," Helion wiggled his eyebrows with a wolfish grin.

Emerie rolled her eyes. "I'm immune to your charm, Helion. You should know that by now."

Helion gave her a questionable look that said, You sure about that?

He then turned his attention to Nesta with a grin and took a step forward - most likely to try to kiss her cheek as well - but he was quickly met with a death glare. He did this every time he came into work, and Nesta always rejected his affection. She had to admit he had balls for not giving it up.

Then again, he was a certifiable slut.

Helion's hands were raised in surrender when he turned to address both of them.

“I see you ladies are falling behind," he said, nodding his head to the current score of their little competition. Helion had titled the game, "Who's Got the Biggest Tip?" with an obscene drawing next to it.

Nesta looked behind her at the chalkboard. She was in last place.

The tip competition hadn’t even crossed Nesta’s mind. What with college, Tomas, and family, she wasn’t quite prioritizing the opportunity to man the music at Rita’s. Free booze on the other hand... that she could get with.

“Hey, I’m not that far behind you!” Emerie protested. “It’s Nesta who’s lagging behind.”

They both turned to her. Nesta merely stood there as they inspected her, Helion rubbing his chin in contemplation while Emerie tilted her head as if she would see something different horizontally.

“I’m not entirely surprised,” quipped Helion. “I mean, she’s gorgeous, but if looks could kill…”

Emerie hummed in agreement. She gestured to Nesta’s chest. “The uniform does wonders for her tits. It’s just once you get to the face. The hair can be let down, maybe pinch some color on her cheeks.”

Nesta continued to give them a blank stare. She was highly unamused.

“Don’t forget the smile,” Helion chimed in.

“How could I forget? Gods, her resting bitch face is even worse than mine.”

"There's potential, though."

"Undoubtedly."

Before the mischievous duo decided to go all "Miss Congeniality" on her, Nesta interrupted their daydream. “Are you guys done?”

Her question brought them back to reality. Helion sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Time to make some tips."

With that, the three of them got to work. Throughout the night, Nesta found herself trying to smile more. At customers, at Emerie and Helion. But every time she managed to pull her lips up, an invisible weight seemed to drag them back down to a deep frown.

Smiling had never been so hard.

They were celebrating New Year’s Eve at Feyre and Rhysand’s place. Nesta hadn’t been looking forward to it considering they had all just gotten together on Christmas Day. Seeing her sister’s asshole of a boyfriend and her infuriating neighbor biweekly was enough for her, thank you very much.

The night was uneventful. Elain had volunteered to be the designated driver, so Nesta took the opportunity to have more than just a couple drinks. By the time the clock struck 11:30, Nesta was far gone. She rarely ever got drunk in social situations, instead choosing to get fucked up in the comfort of her own home. The last thing she wanted was to lose control and do something she would regret the next morning.

But all those worries were thrown out the window the minute she had her first sip of liquor.

Nesta hated the phenomenon of New Year’s resolutions. She hated the idea of self-reflection, of changing, of setting a personal goal. It was bullshit. She felt this obligation to be better. To change into an entirely different person, someone sensitive and warm and outgoing. In other words, someone - anyone - except for herself. It was suffocating.

So as Nesta downed drink after drink, she watched the people around her – she doesn’t quite consider them friends, save for Amren – waiting for the new year to begin. Particularly Elain and Azriel.

Since Elain confessed her feelings for Azriel to Nesta – though some may say Nesta forced Elain to spill the beans – Nesta had been watching them like a hawk. Elain hadn’t yet been in a relationship, at least to Nesta’s knowledge. Perhaps that was why Nesta felt so protective over her sister. That, or because she was the most gentle person Nesta knew.

Nesta didn’t know much about Azriel. Their conversations had been scarce. All she really knew was what Elain told her. He had grown up across the street from Cassian and Rhysand, and the three of them had been thick as thieves since childhood. While Rhysand attended Pryth U and Cassian joined the Marines, Azriel stayed home after graduating high school to take care of their mother, much like Elain with their father. But their mother died just a few months after the three boys graduated. After working a couple minimum wage jobs, Azriel founded a local animal shelter a couple years ago with his friend and since then, his entire life had been dedicated to it.

From what Nesta could tell, Azriel seemed like a good man. But she could tell he still struggled with things from the past. And it wasn’t just the scars on his hands that gave it away. Feyre had briefly mentioned to Nesta that Azriel had gotten in trouble with the law many times in his younger years. Although Feyre didn't elaborate on his wrongdoings, Nesta couldn't help but imagine the worst.

Nesta would be lying if she said she didn't see similarities between herself and Azriel. The scars, the haunted looks, the guarded demeanor. And because she knew that there was no way she could possibly be in a healthy, functioning relationship, she had a feeling that Azriel couldn't either. It was painfully clear that he hadn’t yet dealt with whatever trauma he’d experienced. If he were to get into a relationship with Elain, it would only end in heartbreak for her.

Nesta watched from the kitchen table as Elain and Azriel played the Wii. Nesta could tell just by Elain’s body language that she was smitten. Her entire body leaned towards his when they sat next to each other to take a break from their “bowling” competition. And while Azriel engaged with her, Nesta noticed the hesitance in his expression, the way he shied away when Elain got too close. Almost like it was a reflex.

Nesta's hand twitched. She wanted to interfere.

It’s Elain’s life, Nesta reminded herself. As much as you worry, she has to be the one to make her own decisions.

With that uneasy thought, Nesta relaxed back into the kitchen chair she was sitting on and took a large gulp from the mixed drink she held. Everyone was mingling in the living room as Nesta watched from the breakfast bar. All their backs were facing her, offering her the slightest bit of solace knowing that no one was paying attention to her.

She hadn't seen much of Cassian tonight. They both seemed to be holding themselves to their agreement to distance themselves from one another. He seemed perfectly content to stay out of Nesta's way, and Nesta felt the same. She just couldn't help but be surprised he hadn't tried to get a rise out of her.

At least, not yet. There was always time.

Nesta loathed the way Cassian was able to get under her skin, hated the way he made her feel. She didn't understand it. He was virtually a stranger and yet he made her blood boil. And all because he found it entertaining to watch her lose control? Gods, he was twisted.

As the thirty-second countdown began, the couples paired off. Mor grabbed Aurra until nothing separated them. Feyre leaned against the wall and Rhysand rested his hands above her head. That only left Azriel, Elain, Nesta, Cassian, and Amren.

Cassian and Amren remained seated on the couch that was directly in front of Nesta. Amren was whispering to him, no doubt making fun of every couple in the room. They laughed together. Then of course, Azriel turned to Elain with a shy smile.

And that left Nesta sitting alone at the bar, her drink half empty. Her glazed over eyes followed Elain and Azriel.

Ten.

They looked at each other.

Nine.

Azriel took a couple steps closer.

Seven.

Azriel dipped his head to Elain’s ear and whispered something.

Five.

Elain blushed. She looked up at him and nodded with a smile.

Three.

Azriel gripped her waist with one hand and pulled her in.

Two.

Elain melted into his touch.

One.

They stared deeply into each other’s eyes.

Zero.

Azriel pressed a soft kiss on Elain’s cheek. She closed her eyes as if she were trying to savor it, to hold onto that moment for as long as she could. Azriel’s lips reluctantly left her cheek, only for him to lean his forehead on her temple. Their chests rose and fell heavily, their breath seemingly in sync. They remained like that for a moment, both unwilling to let go of one another. It wasn’t until Rhysand hooted, “Happy New Year,” that Azriel broke away from her and re-entered the present. Eyes wide, all they could do was blink at each other, the air between them palpable with uncertainty and excitement and pain and hope.

Everyone around them was cheering. It was almost too loud for Nesta. Her ears rang.

As everyone around them laughed and yelled, Cassian looked behind his shoulder from where he sat and his eyes met Nesta’s.

They looked at each other for the briefest of seconds before Nesta flipped him off.

Nesta could've sworn Cassian's eyes brightened before he returned the gesture.

---------------------------------

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[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[asheepdraws]

My friend is one of the strongest people I know. Three and a half years ago, a few days before their 21st birthday, they were diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma, they started an aggressive treatment of chemotherapy soon after that. That particular battle was won two and a half years ago. 

 However, their next fight is going to be a longer one. 

 As a result of the chemotherapy, they now have small fiber neuropathy (SFN). A diagnosis that causes them daily pain and results in chronic fatigue, and on bad days makes it incredibly difficult to complete even the most basic tasks of self-care. Over the past two and a half years, they have found exactly one treatment that resolves the pain and allows for them to have a good quality of life. IVIG therapy (Intravenous-immunoglobulin therapy), introduces healthy immunoglobulins into the body and stops it from attacking its nerves. 

 After only one treatment, my friend saw tremendous improvements, so much so that even their neurologist was blown away. First, there was the battle to even get insurance to approve the first treatment,  as there are no published studies proving that this is an effective treatment for SFN, only patient stories of success. 

 Now comes the next big hurdle. Since it is the start of the new year, they have an out of pocket minimum that they have to meet before insurance will cover the rest. This treatment is incredibly expensive, and will easily surpass the out of pocket. Because of this, my brave, powerful, friend can not get their next treatment, because $1000 is too much to pay in one go for them and their family. As I’m writing this, they are a week past when they should have received their second round, and although they were supposed to receive their second round the week of January 20th, it does not look like that will happen because of the financial situation. 

 They have been in contact with the doctor’s office to seek help in covering the cost of the out of pocket. But in the meantime, my sister and I would like to help by opening art commissions. 100% of the proceeds will go to helping my friend.

TL;DR - my friend needs help covering a medical treatment that could help them not have to live with chronic pain and fatigue on a daily basis

 Even if you can’t purchase a commission, sharing this post to get the word around will help a lot! My sister will be making her own commissions post hopefully sometime this weekend (I'll link to that when it’s posted!)

VVV            Thank you all! Other commission info below the line              VVV

________________________________________________________________

I accept payment via PayPal, Cash App, or Venmo

No NSFW

No extreme gore

Strengths: feminine characters, special effects

Weaknesses: hyper-masculine characters, furries, mecha

payment is due once I’ve finished the sketch

Details:

1. E-mail me @ SKWeeks2233@gmail.com, or DM me on my Tumblr or Twitter

2. I will send you screenshots of each step so you can tell me if there’s anything you’d like changed (same applies to sketches, you will only pay me after adjustments are made)

3. Once the commission is finished, you will get the image in whatever file formats you’d like. unless you want it kept a surprise, I will be posting a version of the drawing with lower resolution (you get the HD files)

4. My commissions are not to be used for commercial use

5. If you do not pay once the sketch is finished, I will not continue to the next step. However, if you are unable to pay once the sketch is finished, we can discuss different options and possibly come to a compromise

———————————————————————————————————-

Don’t be afraid to ask questions about any of this and thank you for your time!

If you’d like to see more of my art, check out #asheepdraws

[feralfeed]

Official Fer.al FAQ

Hello all!

So, this is a bit old news by now, but I wasn’t immediately on top of it due to having just started this blog, and some real life things, and I’m sorry about that. But there’s probably a lot of people who haven’t seen the Fer.al FAQ that Wildworks published, since I haven’t seen it anywhere else on Tumblr, so here you go! It’s mostly things we already knew, but there are some interesting tidbits that we can draw new information and speculation from.

What is Fer.al?

Once fully released, Fer.al will be an online virtual world, intended as a hub for fantasy roleplay in a game environment that encourages social experimentation, cooperative exploration, and creative expression. With an otherworldly feel, light-touch social guardrails, and a host of customization features enabling them to stand out from the crowd, players will immerse in creative roleplay while competing to become a virtual social media star. (I think it’s interesting that it’s going to be a “hub for fantasy roleplay”. How are they going to support roleplays? Will it be more heavily encouraged in Fer.al than in AJ?)

How do I play Fer.al?

Once fully released, Fer.al will be available for anyone to download and play. In the meantime, visit Fer.al and submit your email address to be considered for Fer.al Beta Testing and notified of any announcements.

Can I play Fer.al on my mobile device?

Fer.al is currently only available on PC/Mac. We are working toward a mobile release in the future. (That’s good, I know a lot of us will have an easier time with an app.)

Will Fer.al cost money to play?

No. Fer.al is a “Free to Play” game, and does not cost money to play. Fer.al will, however, have “Premium” features that cost money. (Here’s to hoping it’s either lighter touch or cheaper than AJ for the less wealthy of us ;u;)

I am under 13 years old. Can I still play Fer.al?

No. Unfortunately Fer.al is only for players who are 13 years of age or older. (I feel like we’re not emphasizing the importance of this enough)

I have a friend who would like to participate in the Closed Beta. Can you give them access?

Your friend will need to visit Fer.al and enter their information to be considered for the Closed Beta. (Seemed like an odd question.)

I have an Animal Jam membership. Does that transfer over to Fer.al?

No. Fer.al has no association to Animal Jam, and does not share any content, features, or other player information. (Good to have a solid confirmation.)

When I open the Fer.al app, I receive an error that the server is offline. What should I do?

With Fer.al currently in a Closed Beta, the game is subject to maintenance. Because of this, there may be periods of time where the game is unavailable. Rest assured that the WildWorks team is working hard to fix issues, and bring the game back online.

I saw a bug or glitch in Fer.al. What should I do now?

There are several feedback locations placed throughout the game, as well as one located within the Settings Menu. We also have a live Discord Server where bugs can be submitted. Please use these forms to report issues, and our developers will work to resolve them. (This is important! It’s why you were allowed to be a beta tester in the first place.)

What are the minimum system requirements to play Fer.al?

We are working to determine these requirements as we host our Closed Beta. If you are having trouble running Fer.al on your computer, you can adjust screen resolution and visual quality in the settings menu. If you are unable to load into the game at all, please use the Discord Server to submit this information, along with the specifications of your machine. (I hope this isn’t an issue, as a person who’s computer is slow as buns)

Is Fer.al available in languages other than English?

Fer.al is currently only available in English, however, we are working to bring other languages into the game.

Where can I share images and video of my time playing Fer.al?

Feel free to share with your friends on any social media channels you want.

I forgot my password! What should I do?

Wait, really? You already forgot your password? We are working on password reset functionality. We will update here when it is live. Please be patient; it may take a while. (rip to you if you’re that forgetful already)

Can I change my in-game display name? Can you change it for me?

Not right now. (Choose wisely, I suppose)

After the beta ends, do I get to keep my display-name, creatures, items, and progress?

Because Fer.al is not a complete game, we are consistently making updates. Some of these updates may require us to reset game information and delete player accounts. For this reason we cannot guarantee that player information including display-name, creatures, items, and progress will be retained after the beta testing period. We will, however, be rewarding all beta testers with an exclusive in-game gift when Fer.al officially launches. (Don’t get too attached, then.)

When the next batch of testers is allowed into the Closed Beta, will the current batch of players still be able to play?

Yes. Current testers can still play!

[quicksilversquared]

How to Announce a Pregnancy Chapter 4

Several years after the event of How to Fake a Marriage, Adrien and Marinette are ready to expand their family. When it comes to breaking the news, though…

Well, some people are harder to tell than others.

Month Eight, Week 1. Mr. Agreste returned from his trip in the middle of the night. He was too tired and grouchy from the plane ride (and also a very minor sunburn) for them to even try to slip in a family dinner before the gala that he was insisting they attend.

It was honestly getting ridiculous at this point. Or maybe getting ridiculous was the wrong phrasing.

It already had been ridiculous. It was just worse now.

"If anyone knew to look for it, they would be able to tell that I'm pregnant," Marinette said as she scanned her reflection in the mirror. "Otherwise…"

"Considering that you'll be giving birth in a couple weeks, it's insane that it isn't immediately obvious," Adrien commented. He scanned Marinette's dress, looking it up and down. With the draping sweater hiding the side view of the bump and a gorgeous gold necklace drawing attention to Marinette's neck and away from the bump that was almost entirely hidden by the black empire-waist dress, it would be a rare person who picked up that Marinette was pregnant. "I know exactly where to look, but as long as no one is looking too close they won't pick it up. And no one should have any reason to, really."

"I just worry that someone will figure it out partway through the evening." Marinette fussed with her dress once more, than straightened. "Hopefully they wouldn't just blurt it out in front of a group. Private congratulations I can deal with."

"And that's the most we would get, I think. You don't look that far along, especially not in that dress." Adrien gave Marinette's arm a quick squeeze. "You look radiant, love."

"Thank you."

The Gorilla picked them up, since the gala was a bit out of the city limits and neither Adrien nor Marinette wanted to borrow her parents' bakery van again. Mr. Agreste had already headed out, of course- he had insisted on overseeing the last of the preparations- so they had the car to themselves and were free to update the Gorilla on the progress of Marinette's pregnancy. He listened with an interested expression though, as usual, he didn't make any comments.

"We have approximately three weeks left to tell Father," Adrien commented, and wow, saying that out loud really cemented the fact that there was not a lot of time left. "We're talking to Nathalie, of course, to try to get dinner scheduled, but she only has so much control over Father's schedule."

"I've practically resigned myself to showing up for dinner a couple months in the future with Emma in my arms and letting Mr. Agreste find out then," Marinette mumbled into her hands. "That's just how this is going right now."

"I think the papers might have picked up on her by then," Adrien pointed out helpfully. "And honestly, I refuse to hide our kid from the world just because Father can't make time for us. If he finds out the news via tabloid or some investor congratulating him on his granddaughter, so be it."

"I was curious, so I decided to look up stories of other people who didn't discover their babies as early as usual," Marinette told him as they merged onto the highway. "And there were cases where people got to the giving labor part without realizing. And they must have had even smaller bumps than me."

Adrien let out a low whistle. "And we were rushing to get all caught up on all of the tests and forms and whatnot when we found out at four and a half months. I can't even imagine getting to nine."

"To be fair, some of them went into labor early. But yeah, the point still stands." Marinette caught herself mid-yawn and made a face. "Ugh. I rested all day today, I shouldn't be tired."

Adrien glanced over at her. "How is leave treating you?"

"I like sleeping in. And I got one of my projects done, so there's that." Marinette shrugged. "I'm normally going to be doing more during the day, but I just wanted to be rested up for tonight. Not that it's made any difference, it seems. Maybe it's just because it's dark outside and I'm hungry."

"We'll leave early," Adrien promised. "We can say that you've been working hard at work- which is true, even if you've been doing a lot of work from home recently. Maybe we can bring up the idea of scheduling a family dinner next weekend when we see my father."

Marinette made a bit of a face, but she tried to hide it. Adrien couldn't blame her. He was starting to think that they would have to wait two weeks minimum for his father to even consider scheduling a dinner with them, and that would put Marinette at eight months, three weeks.

Traffic was light, and it didn't take overly long for them to arrive at the gala. Adrien and Marinette wove through the crowds, greeting a few people that they recognized and avoiding others that- well, that they recognized but had no interest in talking to. Mostly people who thought that Adrien should return to being a model and Marinette should join Gabriel since she was part of the family now and had no problem telling them exactly that.

"And Father is busy, as always," Adrien sighed once they caught sight of Mr. Agreste, surrounded by designers and investors and department heads clamoring for his attention. "He's not going to work through that crowd until after we've left."

"How deeply unfortunate."

Adrien laughed. Marinette looked as though she wouldn't mind that at all, and frankly he couldn't blame her. Not with how all of their conversations with his father recently had gone.

"We should try to talk to Nathalie, at least," Adrien decided a few minutes later. "She might have an idea of what his schedule is going to look like and if we could schedule a dinner."

Marinette glanced over at the gaggle of people waiting to catch his father's attention and made another face. Adrien followed her gaze and this time, he spotted Nathalie in the middle of the fray, looking harried as she typed things into her tablet.

Things weren't looking hopeful, then.

Still, that didn't meant that they couldn't at least try to have fun. The food provided was delicious, of course- Tikki enjoyed the dessert spread while Plagg visited the cheese plates, and both Adrien and Marinette found things to eat- and there were a few people who were decent enough company to talk to. Mr. Agreste finally worked his way over to greet them, though it turned out to be because he wanted to show them off to a few investors. They managed to exchange a few pleasantries, and Adrien was struck once again by how stilted and unnatural his conversations with his father were compared to his conversations with Marinette's parents. If they were talking with Tom instead of Gabriel, they would have already exchanged at least a couple puns.

His father didn't pun in front of investors. He also didn't pun when they were having family dinner at the mansion. Adrien had had more enjoyable job interviews.

That actually wasn't an exaggeration, which was pretty sad.

It wasn't long before Mr. Agreste moved on, stepping away with his eyes on another potential customer that he clearly wanted to set up an appointment with. Before he went, though, he gave a once-over of Marinette's outfit. Adrien tensed up for a moment, wondering if his father had somehow picked up on her teensy-tiny baby bump, but that wasn't the case.

"I would like to remind you that, for future events, ladies should be wearing at least a short heel," Mr. Agreste told Marinette stiffly, gesturing to her feet. "Particularly short ladies. Flats should be left for informal events."

And then he turned and left.

"Adrien, will you be mad at me if I strangle your father?" Marinette asked after a second of shocked silence had passed. "Or whack him over the head with my oh-so-unfashionable flats?"

"Only because you'd be exerting yourself without Tikki's protection," Adrien assured her. "Otherwise, I would tell you to go for it."

Marinette laughed. "I bet I could take him down with one hit. It wouldn't be exertion at all."

Adrien tried and failed to not smile at that.

Nathalie managed to catch them right as they headed towards the door to leave. She looked a bit hassled, though she managed a smile for them.

"He's going to end up putting himself back at the same level of stress," Nathalie told them. "Which I've told him, but he's convinced that he's fine. I've scheduled regular doctor's appointments, though, just to be safe. And several screenings that his regular doctor recommended."

Adrien nodded, a whisper of worry in his stomach. His father was going to work himself into an early grave, he really was. There was only so much that Nathalie could do to help.

"Make sure that you aren't overworking yourself," Marinette told Nathalie. "Surely you could use some help, too, to back off on the workload."

"I hired two helpers while Gabriel was on holiday," Nathalie assured them. "And set limits on how late I'm willing to work on normal workdays, blocked off weekends for myself, and made a resolution to actually use all of the vacation time that I'm given every year."

Adrien nodded. That was good. He didn't want to lose Nathalie to overworking.

"But enough about that- how are you?" Nathalie asked Marinette. She glanced downwards. "You don't- excuse my observation- you don't look eight months along."

"There's a combination of factors keeping my bump in," Marinette said cheerfully. "But Emma is the right size and is doing well, so we're not worried about it."

"I certainly wasn't judging- I know plenty of women who wish they could have been that small when they were as far along as you, Adrien's mother included." Nathalie smiled. "And I don't think anyone noticed tonight, which is nice. I'm sure it's great to not have strangers cooing over your stomach."

"My mom once punched someone who wouldn't get out of her personal bubble when she was pregnant with me," Adrien told Marinette. "She broke their nose, I'm pretty sure. I think it made headlines. Father wasn't pleased."

"He's never pleased, though, really."

Adrien tried his best not to laugh at that. On his other side, he could see Nathalie fighting with a smirk.

"I'll let you two go, since I'm sure you're tired," Nathalie said once she had sufficiently composed herself. "And I'll let you know if any openings for dinner come up. Your father has already filled up all of his lunches and dinners for this week with appointments, against my advice," she told Adrien. "There should still be openings for next week, once things die down a bit. You'll be at- what?"

"I'm at eight months and one week now, and eight month-two by next weekend," Marinette told her. She was frowning. "I'd be worried about how long telling Mr. Agreste has been put off if he wasn't literally doing this to himself."

"I'd say that after this, you'll get a good four to five years of him never canceling a dinner on you again," Nathalie said. A small smile slid onto her face. "I personally can't wait to see his reaction. Promise me that you'll make sure that I'm in the room when you tell him."

"I think we can manage that much." Adrien grinned at Nathalie. She had never seemed this devious when he was younger. "As long as you don't decide to leave the city on whatever night we finally manage to pin my father down for dinner."

"I never leave Paris, you know that." Nathalie glanced back through the crowd. Mr. Agreste was gesturing to her, looking irritated that she wasn't right by his side. "I have to go. Good night, you two."

"Goodnight, Nathalie."

  As Nathalie had expected, week eight months, two weeks didn't even get as far as having a dinner scheduled. Apparently investors and potential clients came before family, so Mr. Agreste was kept in the dark for one week longer.

At least none of the tabloids had picked up Marinette's pregnancy. It was probably a combination of two main factors- the fact that Adrien hadn't modeled seriously for years (he made exceptions for Marinette's designs, of course) meant that the tabloids really weren't that interested in him anymore, and then Marinette's small baby bump was easily hidden under a loose sweater or dress. They hadn't really been in the public eye that much, either, largely not going to any high-profile events.

The week after that- eight months, three weeks- came with a canceled dinner. Nathalie sounded exasperated as she delivered the news.

"That really is ridiculous," Marinette said after Adrien had thanked Nathalie and hung up. "And after he made such a fuss about wanting you to live in Paris instead of London! He sees you about as much as he would if we were in London."

"It's all about knowing that he could visit easily if he wanted to." Adrien made a face at his phone. "Just like how he wanted me to live at home, but then never ate dinner with me, and never dropped in to chat when I was back from London. He just wants to know that he would have the option." He sighed, wishing that his mom was still around. She would have way better about spending time with them. But there was no point on lingering on what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. "D'you wanna call up Nino and Alya and see if they want to go out for dinner? My father isn't the only one who gets to have dinner plans."

"Oh, I like that." Marinette perked up, nearly upsetting Masha and Sasha, who were competing for her lap space. "Alya's been swearing up and down that her bump is easily twice as big as mine now, and I want to see."

"I'll call them up right away," Adrien promised. "And even if they can't come out, we can go out. It would be nice to have one more date night before Emma comes."

As it turned out, Alya and Nino were free and 100% willing to head out to a casual restaurant for dinner with them. They hadn't gotten to hang out for a couple weeks, since Alya was still working and also had family visiting from out of town, and baby shopping had taken up all of the time not occupied by that.

And as it turned out, Alya was 100% correct about her baby bump being twice as big as Marinette's. In fact, twice as big was a bit of an understatement.

"Yeah, you're definitely showing," Marinette said with a laugh as they all got settled around the table and accepted their menus from the waitress. "See, that's why I couldn't believe it when the doctor told me that I was already at four and a half months, because that's what I think of when I think of five months along."

"I wish I could just stop at this size," Alya admitted. "It's quite big enough, thanks. Big enough to let people know that I'm pregnant, not just gaining weight, but not quite at balloon stage." She grinned. "But all this pregnancy talk- have you looked at the Ladyblog lately?"

Adrien and Marinette both blinked at that. "Uh, no?"

"Yeah, a lot of people haven't been, but I've been getting submissions and-look!" Alya pulled out her phone, pulling up the Ladyblog with a few practiced taps. "I mean, I always get photos, because people know that I'll publish them and they like having an audience. But I noticed something last night, so I did a bit of digging!"

Adrien and Marinette exchanged a nervous look. They didn't know where Alya was going with this, and considering that it was technically them that she was talking about, that wasn't comforting.

"Look!" Alya announced, shoving her phone at them once the Ladyblog had loaded. "There's one photo of Ladybug from last year, then one from two-ish months ago, and last month, and this month, and last night- and do you see that?"

"You mean, do we see the bright red circle that you've drawn around Ladybug's stomach?" Adrien asked dryly. "Yeah, it's kind of hard to miss."

"No, not that- the baby bump!" Alya exclaimed. "It's still small- just based off of my bump, I'm thinking she's at three months at most, probably- but it's definitely there. That skin-tight supersuit doesn't hide anything."

Adrien hid his smile. Oh, Alya was so far off. That was probably a good thing, actually- other people would probably assume the same, and as long as Marinette didn't go out as Ladybug for a couple months after Emma was born, people would keep that assumption.

Or if she went out, but there was some way to pad the suit to make it look as though she was still pregnant. That might not be a good idea, though, since there were bound to be people who would think that Ladybug shouldn't still be exercising as a superhero when she was pregnant.

(Which was dumb, of course, since both Tikki and their doctor were fine with the exercise (though the OBGYN admittedly didn't know about the magical part of it), but since when did that ever stop anyone from judging?)

"So if I'm right with how pregnant she is, Ladybug'll probably be giving birth a couple months after me! Just think, Emma and Elodie might end up being in the same class as Ladybug and Chat Noir's kid!" Alya was practically bouncing in her seat. "It's so cool that she and Chat Noir are hitting the same milestones as we are! I wonder if they'll dress their kid up in the Ladybug and Chat Noir baby clothes. I mean, on one had that could be a super obvious giveaway, but on the other hand everyone in Paris does that, so maybe not?"

"If their family and friends know- which they have to, right?- then what harm would it do?" Nino countered. "No one on the street is going to think anything of it. Though I do wonder how many amateur sleuths are going to be trying to look up who got married after Ladybug and Chat Noir announced their engagement, and then at which of those couples is going to have a kid."

Adrien and Marinette exchanged a look. They had timed the release of their superhero engagement photo so that people would by and large count out their wedding as a possibility, and it seemed to have worked. Then with a little help- once again, Adrien would have to ask Tikki about potentially padding the suit so Marinette could go out and still look pregnant after she gave birth- they could use the news of their superhero pregnancy to throw people off of their trail.

"Anyway, we've been discussing this ever since Alya noticed the bump in the photos," Nino added to Adrien and Marinette. "She's excited, I'm not sure if you could tell?"

They all laughed at that.

"I just think that it's cool, that's all," Alya defended herself. "Like, I thought that we would never even know 'cause she would stop going out for a bit. Or maybe that would be just as obvious, if Chat Noir was still going out. But we haven't gotten any new news about them for ages, so all I've been posting is old footage that people submitted and patrol photos, plus any new things that I've been sent about the old superheroes. It's not much, really, not when I used to be posting things every other day."

"Well, that's to be expected, since Hawkmoth is gone," Marinette pointed out. Adrien watched as her hand rested protectively on her baby bump. He knew that she was a little self-conscious about it, since she hadn't really gotten used to people really seeing it and commenting on it- well, besides the people that they had told, that was. Finding out that people had noticed that Ladybug was pregnant had come as a surprise.

Adrien hoped that the news wouldn't stop Marinette from wanting to go out as Ladybug again. They enjoyed their exercise time together, and it was a good way to spend a clear evening when they didn't have company over.

"And it's a good thing too, because trying to balance a full-time job and full-time Ladyblogging and a new baby would be really hard," Nino added. "And I'm sure Ladybug and Chat Noir appreciate being able to sit back and enjoy their evenings instead of having to be called out to save the city."

"Anyway, on the whole baby theme- your Nonna is in town now, right?" Alya asked Marinette. "Since Emma could come early?"

Marinette nodded. "Yeah, she arrived- three days ago, I think? She's been meeting up with some old friends and exploring the city so she isn't underfoot at the bakery. I met up with her for lunch yesterday and let me tell you, she is about ready to deck Adrien's father. She thinks that I should be able to wear maternity fashion that would actually show off what bump I do have, and that the worry about tabloids is what is keeping me from doing that. But I don't know if I would necessarily want to wear super form-fitted stuff out and about even if I could."

Alya looked surprised. "Really? But I'm sure you could find some super cute pregnancy outfits. And you would rock them, honestly."

"I wouldn't want strangers coming up and commenting about 'oh! A baby!' or trying to talk about me being pregnant or- or any of the stuff that I've heard about," Marinette said, shrugging. "You've talked about it before, with how annoying it is to have people doing commentary on your pregnancy. And I just don't want to have to deal with that. Besides, loose clothes are comfortable."

Nino made a face. "Okay, fair enough."

"Yeah, I nearly decked a lady a week ago when she was asking if I was planning on bottle- or breast-feeding," Alya said. She made a face. "Like, who are you, lady? Mind your own business."

Adrien grinned. "Marinette was considering whacking my father over the head with her shoe when he criticized her for wearing flats at the gala. Is the urge to hit people a pregnant people thing, or…?"

"The urge to hit your father is a normal person thing," Nino corrected Adrien, who was dodging playful whacks from Marinette. "And the urge to hit nosy people is probably the same."

"I know, I know, I wanted to whack my father myself, I was just joking!" Adrien yelped. He sat up with a grin once Marinette finally let up. "And speaking of which- do you want me to really rub that comment of his in once we tell him? Just to make sure he knows how much of a jerk he's been?"

Marinette's smirk was vicious. "Only if I don't rub it in first."

Nino just shook his head, bemused. "I don't understand how your father dares to cancel stuff on you guys. I would be terrified to cross you two. Particularly when Mari's smirking like that."

Their waiter came back to get their order then, and conversation wandered onto what maternity leave was like for Marinette so far (filled with a fair bit of jittering around when she wasn't resting or making sure that everything was as ready as it could be) and what each couple had left to do (not much for Adrien and Marinette, but Nino and Alya still had some stocking up to do).

"My office is turning into Elodie's nursery," Alya told them. "Which is fine, now that my book has gone to print. My stuff is going to stay in there for the time being, though. It's not like it takes up that much room, now that everything is sorted and put away."

"We had to move a chunk of Marinette's sewing room into our bedroom," Adrien said. He grinned at Marinette. "That does take up a bit of the room. But we'll manage."

"As long as I'm not trying to make twenty leather warrior outfits again, I shouldn't take up too much space," Marinette said with a laugh. "And I've mostly been getting screen-printing orders on commissions recently, since I put up a note on my site that said that I was pretty busy and only wanted smaller projects. That barely takes up any space at all, since I just do the designs on my tablet and then-"

"And then have to fill up your entire living room with clothesline to hang pieces up to dry?" Alya chimed in, looking dubious. "I remember how much space that takes, Mari. Don't act like it's just a tiny side project."

"I outsource the printing part of most of my screen-printing orders now," Marinette told her friend. "I have a professional silkscreen printer doing the printing bit on those pieces, and I just come up with the design. It's faster and more cost-effective. And space-effective."

"And 'fewer chemical smells in our apartment'-effective" Adrien added with a laugh. "Which we all appreciate."

"I can do slightly more complex designs with a pro printer, too," Marinette added. "They cost more, of course, but they cost me more to make at home, too, and there was no guarantee that I would get it right. And I get a discount at the printer, since I'm such a regular customer."

"And then you get to keep all of the printing mess out of your house. Good idea." Alya nodded appreciatively. "...when did you start doing that?"

"Last year, I think. Or is it closer to two years now?" Marinette tipped her head to the side, considering. "I don't remember. I had been considering it for a bit before I switched, and shopping around for someone who would be good to work with long-term took a couple months. I just thought it might be a good idea because I really enjoy the designing part, but not the actual screen-making and printing part so much."

"And stuff was taking up so much space of our storage," Adrien added. "And it was taking up her evenings when Marinette had an order to do."

"You mean it was stinking up the place while you were home."

Adrien grinned and shrugged. "Yeah, well, even if you did try to do as much as possible outside, some smell still ended up in here."

"So anyway, my projects at home don't take up that much space right now," Marinette said loudly, ignoring Adrien's grin. "And they're very portable. So having half of my stuff in our bedroom and half in Emma's room should work until we get our three-bedroom apartment, however long that takes."

"Right, of course." Nino glanced up and hastily gestured to clear the table, just as their waiter arrived with their pizzas. They accepted their water refills, then eagerly dug in.

"So," Alya said as she loaded her plate. "So you have just about one week left, right? Are you excited?"

Marinette laughed. "Excited, nervous, occasionally terrified in case we mess up or somehow missed getting something important. It varies, really." Reaching over, she squeezed Adrien's hand. "I know it'll be all right, though. No matter what happens, I know that Adrien and I can handle it together."

[drkineildwicks]

*Rubs hands together* Time to go nuts >:D. Questions for A Writer's Ask Game! 5, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 19, 20, 21, 23, 25, 30, 34, 38, 39, 48, 49. Also, got your last reply. Great! I'll try to send you a PM sometime soon (just know it will mostly be me gushing over your writing). Apparently tumblr keeps swallowing up my asks. Did you get the rewritten ones? If not, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Yes, more asks! :D

Just so you know, this one was a bit slower due to dissertation demands and length, so sorry for the delay—now let’s get to it. :D

5: How much writing do I get done a day?  Three pages minimum.  When I was getting my Master’s at Full Sail University, one of the pieces of advice they gave (it was in a textbook and I think was advice from Jerry Lewis?) was to write a page every day and mark it on the calendar when you did.  I started doing that, making it my New Year’s Resolution to do a page a day, bumped it up to two pages when one wasn’t enough, and for the past few years have written three pages a day.  I might try bumping it up again once the dissertation’s done, but it feels nice getting all that writing done. :D

9: Current WIP?  Don’t make me pick one, because I never have just one—I always switch up between several WIPs on any given day, depending on where my inspiration is.  Currently the focus is on some BH6 fics, but I’m swinging back around to work on my active fics (even got a page done on Shadows and Ash the other day—it was part of the interaction with Sabrina and not on the latest chapter, but still).

11: Books and authors who influenced you the most?  The Bible and God.  No other book or author has been as consistently inspiring or influencing. :)

13: Describe my writing process from idea to polished—start with getting the idea, wandering around the backyard raking and talking to my chickens about it and figuring it out, come back in, write about it, draw it, keep writing until finished, go back and reread and edit and exhibit frustration every time I get to where I stopped because that was some good stuff, keep writing, give a final edit before publishing.  And then there’s the times when I write by the seat of my pants and post something hot off the presses, but even then I usually give it a once-over before posting.  There are times when I do rewrite whole scenes when I feel it’s not working, mostly because I tend to skip around and write piecemeal to make sure I get the big highlights down and then work to fill in the gaps—most of the time what gets rewritten is when I run into my older writing that started at a different point than we ended up.  Rare is the time I do more than one draft with edits though, mostly because by the time I get it down on paper I’ve gone it over in my head so much that it might as well be on its second draft by the time it’s on paper.

14: How do I deal with self-doubt?  My Mom has actually been very good for this, teaching me at a very young age that you can’t please all of the people all of the time—this has gone really far in getting me okay with the attention my writing gets, as I know I have to just keep plugging away (honestly, the attention Shadows and Ash gets totally threw me—I was not expecting this).  Plus, telling me that until someone else pays me to do something, to do it like I love it.  Getting lessons on how to give and take critique at Full Sail helped too.  And it especially helps that I really don’t have time for self-doubt.

15: See the answer to question 14—ain’t nobody got time for that, and it’s hard to have writer’s block when you have at least 100 active WIPs to cycle through.  Actually, it’s good that I write every day—otherwise everything would bottle up and probably explode. :O

16: How many drafts do I need before I’m satisfied with a project?  I feel like I answered this question already, but generally just the one with some edits (so maybe that counts as two).  Most of the time, I just want to get everything written down before it’s lost to the ether.

19: How do I keep myself motivated?  By not worrying and being happy—nothing tanks the writing mood faster than being upset over something.  Other than that…just the need to get it all out on paper, I guess.  Although knowing there’s people out there who like what I produce helps a lot. :D

20: How many WIPs and story ideas do I have?  I said this earlier, but it bears repeating: too many to count.  Over 100 active WIPs I cycle through, depending on which idea is freshest in my head, and there are still some ideas and concepts I haven’t committed to paper yet—do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to non-creative people what goes on in your head at any given moment?  “What’s on your mind?” *Three thousand characters all chatting at once* “Nothing.” *three thousand characters being simultaneously offended*

21: Who is my favorite character to write?  Oooh, man—this tends to vary depending on story and day, and if we’re talking just Shadows and Ash I’d have to go with Frenzy, because that bug is a mess. XD  In general though…I think Maxwell from Don’t Starve—it’s the combination of the surface-level charlatan snarky sarcastic huckster combined with the base-level imposter complex that has him mentally flogging himself combined with a trickster mentality where his favorite moment is when he one-ups or completely throws a person that’s fun to write.  But boy, I’d hate to meet him in person—probably’d punch his lights out if I did.

23: Favorite author—that would be God. :)

25: Favorite part of writing—going back and rereading it and going now that’s some good stuff yes I love it.  Least favorite part would be hitting the end and going dangit I gotta write more now.

30: Favorite idea I haven’t started on yet—ooh man…not sure, because usually when I love an idea I have to at least jot something down because it hits me so hard.  I do love the concept for Obake Itoko, need to work on the actual current storyline more than the season one stuff.  As for stuff I’ve written but haven’t posted yet…love the concepts behind Ghost’s Fury, My Brother’s Wings, and Obake Yashi—AKA the stories that have been sucking up all my free time lately.

34: What was the hardest scene I’ve ever had to write—anything with emotions.  I can do snark, I can do silly, but emotions, oi—EMOTIONS ARE HARD, OKAY???

38: Weirdest story idea I ever had—a Yu-Gi-Oh!/Gremlins crossover with Yugi as Gizmo and Yami as Stripe.  It came from a joke between me and a college friend years ago, snowballed, never had anything written for it but I did do some art for it that I never posted and I have concerns that the full concept is still there in the back of my head and fresh enough that that’s the first thing I thought of. O^o

39: Weirdest character concept I ever had—see Question 38.

48: What’s the most self-insert character/scene I’ve ever written?  PFFFAHAHAHAHAHA—friend I can count on one hand the number of fics I’ve written where a self-insert doesn’t show up.  My first forays into fanfiction involved me going on adventures with the Yu-Gi-Oh! gang—self-insertion is the norm for me, not the exception, and I never understood the hate it gets; I have too much fun to care to be honest. :)

49: Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?  Probably Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh!—mostly because he’s the least life-threatening I always enjoyed his character and he’s a lot of fun to write and read and see.  And I’ve always wondered how that hair would work in real life….

Thank you for your questions!  And everyone remember that asks are still open but I’ll be slow in getting to them because of dissertations. XP  Anyone have any suggestions on Tumblr eating messages? I’m still too much of a noob here to know anything about that. :O

[spadesmidnightcrew]

Kick the new years ass amigo

First up happy new years everyone! This year wasn’t the best and technically speaking a new year doesn’t mean everything is going to magically get better we can still TRY to make this year better than the last though. Just remember it’s going to take a while to shake off last year and don’t go too fast into the next or you will burn out too fast. If you don’t believe in new year resolutions I get it honestly I don’t either but I still make them because even if I don’t accomplish them fully making the effort via new years coffee-like motivation it’s still more than nothing. If you do make resolutions do NOT make them super hard to complete. Yeah, I get wanting to be the best super fast but pacing yourself and your growth is important to actually make an improvement. Slowly getting better over time has a more likelihood of working than trying to be the best in a short amount of time that’s just the facts. If you keep up a steady thing for the first few months maybe up it up a bit and once that’s comfortable up it up again until you are happy. If you fail try again but easier if you break a streak of something that’s okay just pick it back up don’t take one failure as elimination. Any progress is still progress no matter how small. I have hope in all of you to be who you want to be and to keep it up and kick whoever says you can’t in their ego when you prove you CAN. 

Positivity aside if you wanna know what my new year's resolutions are look under the cut.

My new year's resolution is to just do more. My motivation hasn’t existed since 7th grade. I’ve done nothing and I don’t stay with things. So my goal is to draw one thing every day which sounds outrageous but I’m not pushing myself to create GOOD drawings just a drawing. If I have no motivation all day and can’t get myself to do even a sketch I’m happy with then I’ll post a smiling face like -> :). The bare minimum is two dots and a line I can do two dots and a line daily even if it’s not much I’m accomplishing something. Even if I’m busy using the tumblr apps sketch thing it takes just a couple seconds to create one :). This year I expect a lot of :) but my hope is next year I’ll have less :) and be more motivated to create. Then the year after that get a little farther and just be proud that I do at least one thing a day no matter how small.  I also want to get back into writing but writing is a bit harder to do simple things there isn’t really a :) equivalent for writing. Maybe just share my ideas when I think of them even if not fleshed out even if it’s just a sentence or a short ramble? Unlike the :) it will not be a daily thing just whenever I think of something share it. It will probably help with my fear of sharing things that aren’t worth anyone’s time or are overdone and I fear I’m not adding anything to the table. 

Also, I want to talk to people more once upon a time I was a pure extrovert who loved talking to and hangin with their friends but after being homeschooled in 9th-12th grade I’ve lost my ability to communicate with people as freely as I once did. I fear I’m annoying and ruining everyone’s day with my presence and keep all my emotions bottled up inside for no one to find but Death when he comes for me in idk 40 years give or take? Part of this last one is I want to be able to speak up for myself correct people when they misgender me(he/him) take pride in who I am and what I enjoy. Guess what? Roblox is fun I find the tycoons to be peaceful and full of nostalgia that brings me joy. This one is going to be the hardest for me but well a bitch gotta do what a bitch gotta do.

[azariel888]

A new year, new ambitions and new habits to learn...

2018 has been kind of a scary year for me and my family. Mom with her heart issues, Dad with his diabetes. Then of Course to end the year on a high note my Mom has a heart attack on Christmas!!! And then I’ve been struggling with my own issues....I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD and I’ll start seeing a therapist hopefully soon. And then my EDS has hit me recently hard and strong as it attacks my left ankle and now my hip.

I’ll put the rest under a cut!

So last night as I was waiting for the clock to hit midnight and welcome in the New Year I was thinking over what I wanted to be my resolution for 2019. What is something I want to improve about me?

Well the answer became rather simple and will encompass a lot of things! I want to learn to love and care for me. Sounds silly but it’s far from it.

Honestly for decades I’ve grown to dislike myself. High school on I just grew to dislike myself more and more. It got better for a time when I thought I’d found the love of my life....yeah that didn’t work out and after the divorce I sorta developed in my head a core thought that “Others don’t like me. Others don’t want me. No one cares....so why should I?” And I just sorta stopped caring. I didn’t not take care of myself, proper hygiene and all that but I didn’t do anything but the minimum.

I’m hungry so I’ll eat....doesn’t really matter what. Eh I feel off...ignore it or just take advil. And so on and so forth. Everything was minimal...I was surviving but not living and certainly not with a goal of living well.

So my New Year’s resolution is to learn to love and care for me. I’m going to learn what I need to make me healthy. I want to learn about good eating. Not dieting, fasting with a purpose to loose weight. Loosing weight would be nice but what does my body need in order to function well. What things should a eat more, what things should I avoid (aside from the stuff I’m allergic to) and what times are best for eating so I don’t eat too late and ultimately get sick...which is counter productive.

I want to become more physically active. I’m 37, only three years from 40 and I know my body has changed since I was a teen/young adult. I’m not as active and I work a job where I sit all day. I know I need to get more physically active to avoid my body growing weak and well rotting! So everyday for at least 30 minutes I’m going to DO SOMETHING. Today I went for a 45 minute walk and managed to walk a little over 5k. My hip and ankle really began to hurt so I had to stop sooner then I wanted but it is a start and I didn’t let the EDS or asthma stop me!

I want to do little things for me that makes me feel good about myself. At least once I week I’m doing something for me that makes me feel good. It may be giving a facial, buying a silly bath bomb and enjoying a soak. It may be just sitting down and drawing or going out for a drive up to the gorge and reveling in the beauty of nature.

I want to take time for me to make myself feel pretty....it sounds silly but seriously back in the day I’d get up two hours early just to clean up, do make up and dress cute....it made me feel good. Most days now I just brush my teeth, put on foundation and make sure clothes are clean before heading out or worse staying in and hiding. No I don’t need to doll up to feel good...but putting just a little more effort into me just might help me feel a little better about myself. I’m never going to be cute or beautiful....too old and scarred up for that but maybe when I look at my own reflection it won’t be instant “Wow I look like I’ve seen shit, lived through shit and just stopped giving a hoot”.

I am not a me, my, I person....but perhaps that is part of the problem. I kinda stopped caring about my self all together and in doing so kinda become more unhealthy then I need to be lol. I mean come on I’ve got not one but TWO auto immune diseases, severe allergies and a few other not so great health cards under my belt....maybe if I start taking care of me now I can start really living a better, healthier life.

Seeing my Mom with all her heart issues and finding out she is pre-diabetic and then then my Dad being diabetic and seeing the HUGE 180 he had to take in his life to manage it....well it’s an eye opener. And I’ll be prone to both on top of the stuff I already have. So maybe it I learn to take care of me or as my Mom put it “Learn to Love myself” I can avoid the heart issues and diabetes. Or should fate decide to throw such challenges my way perhaps be healthy enough to survive them and still live a good and full filling life with whatever time I have!

So that’s what is up! I’ll apologize now if I have stuff in my feed about stretches, exercise, nutrition and what not along with the more dorky kinds of things I normally post.

[femnet]

Still need a New Year’s resolution? Maybe mine from three years ago will give you some inspiration – In 2015 I made the switch from tampons to a menstrual cup and reusable pads, and I have not regretted my decision. But before we get into the bloody details, here’s a little back-story.

I was lucky to grow up in a very open, rather science-based household. My mom is a doctor and a pragmatist, so my sex education was always very straight forward – no squeamishness, no shame, no flowery euphemisms. When I got my period at 13, there was neither a ceremonial “You are a woman now” talk, nor any embarrassment surrounding the subject. It was just a bodily function to be dealt with.

But I soon learned that the world outside of my home was a different one. There was and is a taboo surrounding menstruation. My grandfather would change the channel when a tampon commercial came on. And when we did watch them, the liquid shown was bright blue and the women were smiling, riding horses and wearing white pants. The red blood squirting from bullet wounds on TV and leaking from scraped knees in the yard, that blood was ok. But if you left a stain on a chair – that was not ok. That was nightmare fuel. The world apparently was not ok with menstruating people, so I just bled quietly and without intention of experimenting with the subject for over a decade.

My first contact with “alternative” menstrual products was through a friend. She always had an esoteric side, so when she told me about cloth pads and menstrual cups with the same enthusiasm she talked about tantric massage, I just thought “Ok. Weird.” I must admit that I had some initial prejudices. I somehow pictured ladies dancing around a fire, praising the Moon Goddess. And while I mean no disrespect to anyone who does value spirituality, it’s just really not my thing. Like my mom, I took pride in being a pragmatist. So when said friend gave me a menstrual cup and some cloth pads for my birthday, I was initially not too tempted to try them out.

I finally let my curiosity get the better of me and decided to try the cup. I watched some videos to get the folding right and got to work. If you’ve never seen one, most menstrual cups are shaped like a silicone egg-cup with a little stem. It is folded, inserted into the vagina and then released, to create light suction. Then it just sits there and collects your blood for up to 12 hours (or until full). To remove it, engage your pelvic floor muscles, reach in with your fingers and pinch the bottom to break the suction seal (do not attempt to remove a cup that’s still sucked onto you, it hurts!). Empty the blood into the toilet (or shower drain, or sink…), wash the cup out with water and you’re good to go. You can boil the cup for hygiene at the end of your cycle. The first two cycles were a pretty accident-prone learning process, but I got the hang of it eventually. By now I am kind of a pro at it – I’ve successfully emptied and reinserted my cup while on the toilet of a moving bus, only equipped with a water bottle and a good sense of balance.

After doing some research, I learned that cups are not just a hipster fad. They have been around since the 1930s, and several of my friends use them, too. We just never talked about it before, because trying something unconventional regarding your menstruation draws attention to it, which we were all taught to avoid. But I actually enjoyed experiencing this new way of dealing with my period. You get extremely close with your body, feel your insides with your fingers, see how much blood you produce, its color and consistency. It was strange at first, but also quite fascinating. I also think that growing up in Europe gave me a small advantage compared to what I’ve heard from friends in the US. While there certainly is menstrual stigma, the general attitude towards the human body with all its fluids and odors is a bit more relaxed here. We also hardly have tampons with applicators, so the switch to the cup is much less drastic that I imagine it to be for someone who has never had menstrual blood on their fingers. My cup is the Lunette, but there are a lot to choose from, so check them out if you’re interested.

The cloth pads were step two. Since I learned that the cup would not be 100% leak proof on the heaviest days (due to softening of the vaginal tissue), I still used pads as backup at first. From an environmental standpoint that seemed quite hypocritical, so I finally did decide to give the cloth pads a try. While medical grade silicone still had that “clean” feel to it, washing out bloody pads with my bare hands was a bit of a challenge. But after the first few tries, it completely lost its squick-factor and I became a fan. I just rinse them out and then stick them in the washing machine. There is also a plethora of other products available, from period leggings to underwear. While I have no personal experience, I have heard great things about Thinx panties and really want to give them a try soon.

So I am very happy to have made the switch to minimum-waste period products and I plan on continuing to use them. But that is not to say that the whole thing is entirely unproblematic. While I am a total fan of all that is eco friendly, I am aware that most of the pollution endangering our planet is created by large companies, not individuals. And to burden menstruating people who already face so many difficulties in this world with the additional responsibility of having to “save the planet” by policing the kind of period products they choose to use just seems misplaced to me. Regarding possible health risks, there are no documented cases of toxic shock connected to menstrual cups. There may be some pain for those who also find tampons or penetration uncomfortable. On the upside, silicone cups don’t dry out the mucosa like tampons do, so there is no uncomfortable dryness or increased risk of infection. If you have an IUD, please ask your doctor if using a cup is safe. Lastly, what keeps many people from accessing menstrual products in general and cups in particular is the high price. They are more expensive to buy than a box of tampons or conventional pads, but if you have access to clean water and can swing the cost of 3-5 boxes of tampons at once, I highly recommend thinking long-term and investing in a cup or cloth pads instead. The environment, your body and you wallet will thank you.

[michaelandy101-blog]

The Ultimate Guide to Instagram Stories Ads in 2020

New Post has been published on https://tiptopreview.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-instagram-stories-ads-in-2020/

The Ultimate Guide to Instagram Stories Ads in 2020

Ah, Instagram Stories — the one-stop-shop to find short, engaging content from high school friends, celebrities, and major brands alike.

With over 500 million daily active users, Instagram Stories is an undeniably powerful opportunity to connect with new audiences.

And, if you’re not using Instagram Stories as a marketing tool, you should be. In fact, Instagram reports that of the 500 million accounts using Instagram Stories, one-third of the most viewed stories come from businesses.

I can personally attest to the power of Instagram Stories to incentivize purchasing decisions. For instance, the other day I was mindlessly scrolling through Stories when I came across an ad for Crest 3D whitestrips — with a $50 off coupon attached. I swiped up to purchase without ever leaving the app itself.

Here, let’s dive into what Instagram Story ads are, and how you can run Instagram Story ads for your own business. Plus, we’ll explore examples of Instagram Story ads and best practices to ensure your ads are as powerful as they can be.

What are Instagram Story ads?

Instagram Story ads are vertical ads you can run on Instagram’s Stories feature. (To recap, Instagram Stories are photos and videos visible to an Instagram account’s audience for 24-hours, and is published separately from the content found on your Instagram profile.)

Instagram allows you to target your ads by reach, video views, traffic, conversions, app installs, and brand awareness. Additionally, unlike an organic Instagram Story, an Instagram Story ad doesn’t disappear after 24-hours — instead, you can choose the length of the campaign and frequency of ads on Facebook’s ad platform, like any other ad created for Instagram or Facebook.

An Instagram Story ad is immersed seamlessly into a user’s Stories viewing experience. Additionally, a user doesn’t have to follow your account to see an ad from your brand. For instance, I don’t follow Crest on Instagram, but I was still shown a Crest ad.

You have a few different options for ad formatting, including video, photo, or carousel. A video ad plays for up to 15 seconds, an image ad will play for five seconds, and a carousel ad lets brands play three separate pieces of content (video, photos, or both) within one ad.

If you aren’t sold on running ads on Instagram Stories yet, consider these facts:

If you’re convinced Instagram ads could be a good platform for you, let’s dive into how you can run your own Instagram Story ads, next.

How to Run Instagram Story Ads

1. Go to your Ads Manager, and click “Create”, which will bring you to “Quick Creation”. If you’d prefer, you can switch to “Guided Creation”, instead.

2. Next, select a marketing objective — your options for Instagram Stories include “Brand Awareness”, “Reach”, “Video views”, “Conversions”, “App installs”, “Lead Generation”, or “Traffic”.

3. In the Placements section, you’ll want to select “Automatic Placements”, where Instagram Stories is selected by default. However, if you choose “Manual Placements”, check the box for “Stories” under Instagram.

4. Next, set your ad’s budget and schedule. 

5. Next, you’ll want to choose “Single Image or Video” or “Carousel” as your ad’s format.

6. Add videos or images to your ad, and finish including any other details, including headline and description. If you’d prefer, you can use Stories Templates, which will transform your image into an ad automatically, and add movement to grab a viewer’s attention.

7. Once you’re happy with your ad, select “Confirm” to finish the process.

Instagram Story Ads: Cost, Specs, & Length

There are three separate areas you can place an ad on Instagram: Stories, Feed, and Explore.

For the purposes of this post, we’ll focus on the cost, specs, and length of an Instagram Stories ad.

First, all feed photo and video dimensions are supported in Stories (anywhere from 1:91 to 4:5). However, 9:16 ratio is encouraged to fit the full-screen, vertical format of Stories.

Additionally, .mp4 or .mov is recommended for video ads, and .jpg or .png file type is recommended for photo ads.

If you’re creating a video ad, 4GB file size is encouraged — and, for a photo, 30MG file size is suggested.

If you’re creating a video ad, the length can’t surpass 120 seconds. For a photo ad, five seconds is the default for how long the image will be shown.

Finally, the recommended resolution is 1080 x 1920, with a minimum dimension of 600 x 1067.

Instagram ads, including Instagram Story ads, cost between $0.70 to $1.00 per-click on average — although cost varies depending on industry, days of the week, time of year, targeted ages and sexes, ad placement, and plenty of other factors. In some cases, Instagram ads can exceed $5.00 per-click.

Fortunately, you have plenty of control over how much your ads cost by setting a pre-determined budget. You can choose your budget based on how much your company is willing to spend daily, or the total cost you’re willing to spend over a campaign’s lifecycle.

Examples of Instagram Story Ads

Below, I’ve collected a few impressive examples I found on my own Instagram Story feed. While most of these examples are bigger brand names, there are plenty of small-to-medium sized businesses using Instagram

1. Aveeno

Aveeno’s Instagram ads are clean and simple, with neutral colors — apart from the brand’s signature green — drawing attention to the brand’s daily moisturizer. The ad features a short clip of a hand pointing to a shopping cart, with a “Shop Now” swipe-up link. The ad focuses on the brand’s product and doesn’t distract with people, making it effective for anyone scrolling who’s in the mood to refill their moisturizer.

2. Miller Lite

This is an example of an ad that felt tailored towards me, a 27-year-old female in the Boston area. First, the ad features a call-out to the Boston Celtics, immediately capturing my attention. Once I’m intrigued, the ad segues into a picture of their Lite drink, with the text, “Great taste, only 96 calories, 3.2G carbs”. In this example, the ad does a good job drawing my attention to the things I care about most: namely, low-calorie alternatives to beer (and Celtics).

3. Trunk Club

This engaging, fast-moving ad shows a few different outfit options on the screen with the text, “Keep what you love, send the rest back”. The ad shows a few different outfits, ranging from dresses and cardigans to dress pants and heels, to capture the attention of a wider range of people than it could if it featured only one style. With the plain white background and easy-to-read black text, it’s simple, clean, and hard to miss.

4. Febreze

I mean, come on … who doesn’t love a puppy? This fun, clever Febreze ad shows an adorable puppy on a couch with the text, “Refresh wherever they roam”, with their Febreze product at the bottom of the screen. While most of the other ads in this list featured subdued, plain colors, Febreze goes all out with light blues, greens, and purples, inviting a sense of playfulness and fun into the user’s feed.

5. Tractor Beverage Co.

What I love most about Tractor Beverage Co.’s Instagram video is the end, which features a different call-to-action from most of the others in this list. Rather than “Shop Now,” this ad reads, “Now Available at Chipotle” with a “Learn More” swipe-up function. As a lesser-known brand, Tractor Beverage Co. wisely aims to use their ad space to increase brand awareness, so that next time you’re at your favorite nearby Chipotle, you might give their drink a try.

6. Crest

If you have the means, it makes a lot of sense to include a coupon or discount in your Instagram Story ad, like Crest does in its 3D Whitestrips ad. The $50 off encourages viewers to purchase immediately so they don’t miss out on the deal, and the fun, bright colors effectively capture viewers attention. With the limited time allotted in an Instagram Story, it makes sense for these brands to get straight to the point.

7. Kayak

Kayak, a travel search engine, created this impressive, engaging Instagram Story video ad to demonstrate how easy it is for Kayak users to filter flights depending on airline, price, cabin seating, and destination. Kayak served the ads to lookalike audiences based on the characteristics of its current website customers, and saw 5X increase in sales conversions, as well as a 50% increase in overall ROI, with combined ad placements on Instagram Stories, Instagram’s news feed, and Facebook’s news feed.

Instagram Story Ads Best Practices

Now that we’ve explored a few impressive examples, let’s dive into some best practices to follow when creating your own Instagram Story ad. With four million active advertisers on Stories as of January 2020, it’s going to take a lot to ensure you’re able to stand out and drive results. Let’s dive in.

1. Pay attention to speed.

Facebook reports that Instagram Stories are consumed faster “tahn any other mobile format”. People’s attention is severely limited when perusing Stories, especially since the content has a 24-hour time limit before disappearing forever.

For that reason, you’ll want to ensure you get straight to the point and capture a viewer’s attention from the first frame. Unlike other forms of content, suspense isn’t usually effective here, especially since images can’t surpass five seconds, and videos have a 120-second limit. You’ll want to jump the viewer right into the message you’re hoping to deliver.

2. Include motion in your ad.

Facebook reports that “ads that use motion perform better.” Motion captivates the viewers’ attention and can help you tell a story faster than you could with a static image. Even if you’re using animation, consider how you might add motion to create more engaging content.

3. Ensure you’re using sound in your ad.

60% of Stories are viewed with the sound on, so you’ll want to ensure you use sound in your ad to provide optimal value to your audience. Consider how you might use music, sound effects, or voice-over to capture viewers’ attention in a new way. If you’re unsure which types of sound work best in your ad, try A/B testing to conclude what your audience prefers.

4. Create your ad for Stories first — rather than attempting to repurpose an existing ad made for another vertical.

It can be tempting to simply copy-and-paste the ad you’ve already created for Facebook or Instagram news feed, but that could result in a less-than-ideal experience for those viewing your ad in Instagram Stories. For one, your ad might not follow Instagram Story sizing best practices, resulting in key parts of your ad being cropped out. Additionally, you’ll want to play around with features exclusive to Stories to ensure your ad is as effective as possible.

5. Use your call-to-action wisely.

Ultimately, your Instagram Stories ad won’t be effective if you don’t include a clear call-to-action you want viewers to follow. You might use language like “Learn More”, “Shop Now”, or “Swipe Up” to encourage viewers to take action, depending on your goal — for instance, if your goal is brand awareness, “Learn More” tells viewers you simply want to educate them about your brand’s offerings, which is a very different CTA from ���Shop Now”.

Take a look at the examples, mentioned above, for more CTA inspiration.

6. Include text to emphasize key message.

Including text is a best practice for accessibility in general, as it helps viewers’ who are hard-of-hearing decipher your ad’s message. Additionally, text can help emphasize your key points — for instance, Aveeno’s “Get Healthy Looking Skin Every Day” text illustrated their main point, and convinced me to purchase.

7. Test out mobile shots.

Facebook reports, “Mobile shots outperform studio shots for ad recall and intent, while studio shots tend to drive higher brand awareness.” For this reason, consider forgoing fancy studio equipment for video shot and edited straight from a mobile phone.

The majority of users consume Instagram’s content from their own smartphones, so you might as well try creating content on the same device. And, when in doubt, don’t be afraid to A/B test this theory for your own brand, as well.

For more best practices related to advertising in general, take a look at The Ultimate Guide to Mastering the Basics of Effective Social Media Advertising.

And there you have it! You’re all ready to begin creating an inspiring Instagram Story ad of your own. Just remember — you know your brand, and your audience, better than anyone. Use these best practices and examples as inspiration, but feel free to A/B test to figure out what works best for your unique business goals and social media objectives. Good luck!

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[trbl-will-find-me]

Every Exit, An Entrance (22/?)

There are two (and only two) possibilities: either she led XCOM to victory and they are now engaged in a clean up operation of alien forces, or XCOM was overrun, clearing the way for an alien-controlled puppet government to seize control of the planet.

She’d really like to figure out which it is, but asking hardly seems the prudent option.

New Year’s is quiet. They watch old Twilight Zone episodes on her laptop and pop a bottle of sparkling cider when the clock reads 00:00:01 1 1 2016. It is not grand, and it is not fancy, but as her lips meet his, Elizabeth Regan is happy.

“Any resolutions?” He asks.

She tips her head against his shoulder. “Hmm, all the usual ones seem sort of blasé now. Who gives a shit if my paperwork’s late? Aliens invaded the Earth. We fought them off. We won. I’d like to say it’s to develop a more regular sleep schedule again, but somehow, that seems about as likely as learning to understand football. I know,” she says, after a moment. “How about finding bigger sleeping arrangements? That sounds good.

“You’re saying you don’t think two adults are mean to fit on the same twin XL mattress? I’m shocked.”

“Much as I loved undergrad, I could do without reliving that particular aspect.”

She feels his chuckle deep in his chest. “Don’t know why.”

She shrugs. “I’m just funny like that. Traveling spoiled me.”

“Lizzie, I hate to break it to you, but the bunk’s a lot bigger than an airplane seat.”

She laughs. “That’s not what I meant! We stayed in some fairly nice places. They had real beds. Beds big enough to share.”

“We only tested that, what? Two? Three times?”

“Three,” she says, wiggling closer. “The spiders. Zurich. Berlin.”

“Ahh, the spiders.” He kisses the top of her head. “How could I forget?”

“How could you forget? I woke you up at two in the morning.”

“You woke me up in your bathrobe.”

She laughs. “I thought it would be quick! I didn’t think you’d be offended. I still had underwear on!”

“I would go with distracted over offended.”

She presses a kiss to his jaw. “Sorry.”

“It was nothing compared to the villa. You know, the one with the pool?”

“I’m not sorry about that.”

“Tease.”

“I was hot! It wasn’t air conditioned!”

“You were in a bra and panties. They were floral.”

“You do remember!”

“I don’t think I could forget if I tried. Not that I’d want to,” he adds.

“Would it really have been better if I’d been in a bathing suit?”

“You were standing there in your underwear. It wasn’t a far jump to other places you could be standing in your underwear.“

“But is it really worse than a bikini?”

“You own a bikini?”

“God, no.”

“Exactly.”

“You were so surprised that they matched. I don’t know what you were expecting, but it apparently wasn’t that.”

“I was so surprised you were standing there in them.”

“I was wearing a silk blouse and a linen skirt. I couldn’t jump in a pool in those. The dry cleaning bill would have been even worse than it already was for that trip. Though,” she says, trailing off. “If you’re really so baffled by the sight of matching lingerie, maybe I should just keep the uniform on after all.”

He sets the laptop aside and catches her in a kiss, pinning her to the bed.

“I think I’ll adapt.”

–

She lingers the in the archway, watching Central help Sally fit her armor. He steps back to look at the girl, then brushes a stray bit of hair behind her ear. He reaches into a pocket and presses something into her hand, but whatever he says is too quiet to carry. She slips it around her neck and under her shirt, then throws her arms around Central’s neck. The gesture seems less foreign to him, and he pulls her in closer for a moment before releasing her.

Sometime later, the whole of Menace One Five stands assembled in the armory, split into fireteams: Sally and Kelly on one, with Zaytsev and Wallace on the other.

“For better or worse,” she begins. “This isn’t a standard op. You’ll be escorting two hostile parties to a rendezvous point that you’ll receive once you’re on the ground. Kelly, Royston: you’ll be with the Reaper. Wallace, Zaytsev: you’ll escort the Skirmisher.“

“We’re operating in the dark, people. We know little to nothing about conditions on the ground, or what you’ll be facing. Both the Skirmishers and the Reapers have agreed to a ceasefire for the duration, but I don’t know to what extent either side intends to honor those terms.”

She draws in a deep breath, and her demeanor softens. “My point is: be careful. We could be facing anything out there, and the nature of negotiations is volatile. Stay alert, watch each other’s backs, and don’t take any risks you don’t have to. If this goes well, we stand to gain two very powerful allies. Good luck, team. You’re on the clock.”

Menace salutes her and piles onto the Skyranger, stowing their gear for transport. She heads back towards the bridge as the craft rises towards the open air. Central gives them the go for takeoff, and they are on their way.

Forty five minutes til drop and she stands on the balcony overlooking the ship’s heart, a bottle of water in her hand. Central is next to her, hands braced on the railing.

“Sal looked like her mom, all kitted out like that,” she offers. “It’s gonna be like having a ghost on the field.”

He nods. “Steph would kill me if she knew.”

“Didn’t want Sally following her into the family business?”

“Think she knew that was inevitable. Just wanted to put it off for as long as she could. I promised her eighteen.”

“But?”

“But Volk must’ve had a reason for asking. If he really thinks a friendly face might help defuse some tension…” He shrugs. “She’s a good shot. She’s got good instincts on the field. She ever gets a better hold on that Gift, and she’s gonna be something else. Besides,” he shakes his head. “I know her. She would’ve found a way to go no matter what I said. Least this way, I get to feel like I gave her my blessing, instead of having her sneakin’ around behind my back.”

“You trying to convince me or yourself?” She asks, softly.

“Little bit of both.”

“It’s just one op.”

“And then another, and another. She’s an XCOM operative now. Not much I can do about it.”

“You said it yourself: was probably inevitable.”

His shoulders droop. “Regan, I never should have been a parent. Half the time, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and the other half, I knew it was the wrong thing. But I tried to keep her safe. I didn’t always succeed, but I tried. Now, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do, but watch and hope. Just hits harder than I thought it would.“

–

What surprises her most is the normalcy. For all his concerns in the wake of Berlin, there is no discernible change in their professional relationship. Everything flows as it should. If the men suspect anything, they do not show it — a near guarantee that all appears as it was.

It occurs to her that it is because they have been together, in some way or another, for a long time already; always in one another’s orbit, always able to parse the other’s meaning with a minimum of explanation. It is what makes them such a good team, what has always made them such an effective team.

She could laugh.

Or kiss him, but she’ll have to wait til later for a shot at that.

“Commander,” her comm sounds. “When you have a moment, please stop by the labs.”

“Of course, Doctor. I’m on my way.” She catches Central’s eye across the room. “You’re in charge. I’ll be with Vahlen in the labs if anything comes up.”

“Understood.”

She breezes through the empty Common Room on her way and stops to pause a moment, trying to envision the space decorated for a wedding. She believes in Molchetti and Hershel, no doubt, but she still can’t wrap her head around it. Still, Steph had seemed grateful they’d taken such an interest in it; she and Edouard still seemed to have their hands full managing their families.

She realizes she will not have to wonder for much longer: the twentieth is rapidly approaching.

Vahlen pulls her into the labs’ small conference room almost immediately upon her arrival.  Shen sits in the dim light, apparently waiting.

“Should I call Central?” She asks, suddenly wary.

“No. Someone needs to monitor the energy spikes,” the Chief Engineer says, shifting uncomfortably.

“What’s going on, you two?”

“In the wake of the energy spike in the base,” Vahlen begins. “We noticed a change in the blood samples we had previously tested. The nanomachines, which we had previously observed in a dormant state, activated.”

“And?”

Vahlen reaches into her coat pocket and hands her a vial of dark green liquid.  “This was our sample with the highest concentration. While it still carries some DNA markers, it has been mutated beyond a state one could reasonably call human.”

“This was blood? Human blood?”

“Indeed.”

She passes the sample back to the scientist. “Goddamnit.”

“While correlation is by no means causation,” Shen offers. “I am reasonably confident that the Fog Pods serve as a kind of control mechanism for these nanomachines. The energy spikes we have previously observed must be instructions to remain dormant. The spike from within the base was likely an activation. If it was able to take out our monitoring tech, such a pulse would like be catastrophic to civilian communication devices.”

Her mouth runs dry. “So, it’s a time bomb. What do you suggest?”

Shen and Vahlen lock gazes for a moment. “A dual pronged approach,” Vahlen says. “My team will work to understand the machines’ effect on human physiology.”

“And mine will work to disable the Pods.”

The Commander nods. “Do what you can to start investigating countermeasures for those already … infected.” She rubs at her temples. “Brief Central, then get to work. Let’s not cause a panic, but we’re working against a clock we can’t track.”

She rises from the table. “Anything else?”

The question is met with shaking heads.

“Good. Dismissed.”

–

She does not think she is hallucinating, but she does not entirely believe what she sees is real, either.

Zombie movies were always something of a joke among her cohort. How could anyone be so bad at responding to a biothreat to let it escalate the way it always seemed to? What idiot allowed that to happen?

ADVENT, apparently.

The hoard, things that might have once been called human but might now only be called humanoid at her most charitable, advances down the alley, blocking Dragunova, Kelly, and Sally’s only exit path.

There is seemingly no end to their numbers, a whole city mutated beyond recognition. With each wave they shoot down, more appear. It feels like a video game with an unmerciful AI; she tries not to focus on the comparison. Her sense of reality is impaired as it is. There’s no reason to exacerbate the problem.

She tries to focus on the positives. Contact with the Reapers went well. Dragunova seems comfortable operating in the ruins. She’s a strong third member of the fireteam and already seems to have a decent rapport with Sally, who in turn, works in uncanny synchronicity with Kelly. For his part, Central has barely touched his flask, a fact she notes with no small amount of surprise.

The creatures continue their approach, unphased by the gunshots thinning their numbers.

“Out!” Kelly calls.

“I’m spent,” Dragunova echoes.

“I got this,” Sally chirps, scrambling on top of an automobile carcass, and onto a nearby fire escape.

“Sally, what are you —“

“Trust me, Commander.”

Gunshots ring out, and the Lost begin to fall in quick succession. Kelly and Dragunova reload and make quick work of the remainder.

She does not believe in ghosts — not really, at least. They are things of myth ad fairy tale, scary stories used to coerce little children in from the dark. The dead are the dead. Their memories roam the halls, yes, but the cause remains the grief of the living.

She believes in an afterlife, though. For her own sake, she has to. She has to believe that there is a chance, however small, that the lost are not gone forever, that reunions are not a pitiful dream.

She believes that, wherever Stephanie Royston is, she would be proud of her daughter.

Central’s grip on the railing is tight, but when she looks, there’s pride in his eyes. “That’s my girl.”

[darkot]

A slightly pensive retrospective

I was going into this expecting the words to just flow, but honestly, I’m having a bit of trouble remembering how to just write from the heart. It’s been so long since I’ve done one of these. In fact, let me go check how long it’s been..

Jesus, 10 months. It’s been damn near a year since this blog kind of became a wasteland. Let’s change that.

Over the last year I... did not do very much. I’ve kind of been a husk of a person, trying to rediscover who I am. I’ve changed a lot since a few years ago. Not in exclusively positive ways. But not in exclusively negative ways either. I’m not better. I’m not worse. I’m just... different than I was. 

Who I am now feels so far removed from who I once was, that I’m struggling to find that person in me again. It feels like I’ve been thrown into the life of a stranger--somebody who made all of these decisions separately from me. That’s been the crux of my discord over the last year, really. Trying to figure out if I can still be the person who wanted the life I’m on the road to.

And the answer I’ve come to, is yes. I’m still very unfamiliar with myself... but I’m working on becoming reacquainted with the person I wanted to be. That I still want to be.

Strangely... or perhaps not so strangely, since it seems to be a fairly common occurrence, the universe directed me to something that put things into perspective for me. In one of the more recent Walking Dead episode, Ezekiel was talking to Carol about his past, and this is what he had to say:

“. . . at work, a 500 pound tiger needed my help. I did not just leap into her enclosure. I was not seized by any deep seeded instinct... There were only a few seconds that passed, but I deliberated. I thought about doing it . . . and I thought about not doing it. I stood there thinking about who I'd be in either iteration. And I decided I wanted to be the one who leapt.” Of course, there, he was talking about saving a tiger.. but the sentiment still resonated with me. Whenever I am called on to rise to the occasion, no inner voice is spurring me on. I do not feel any sense of innate duty, to face the challenges before me. And so, to this point, I have stood idly by, waiting until I could clearly see my destiny before making a move.

However, over the course of this last year, I have learned that, that time will never come. Because our destiny is bound to our decisions. And even if it wasn’t a conscious one, being idle has still been a decision. So, I want to change that.

If last year was my period of deliberation (granted, it was more than “only a few seconds,” haha..), where I thought about who I would be, then now is the time where I am making my decision. I want to leap.

Even though this is, in part, related to the new year, it’s not that “It’s a new year, and new me,” bullshit. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Maybe too long, in fact. But the point is, this isn’t something that I just decided today. This is not a last minute “new years resolution.” I’m serious about this. I want to have something to write about in my next retrospective a year from now, in 2019. The new year is just my jumping-off point.

My minimum goal this year, is to create and complete at least one original production. However, I am going to aim for three. I have many ideas that I’ve been sitting on for quite some time, and I think these three are fleshed out enough to finally be realized. A film that I hope to complete by January next year, a machinima series that I hope to be well underway by the middle of 2018, and an abridged series that I hope to make the same progress on as the former.

Those, are my short term goals. As for the long term, I want to end up at Blizzard HQ, working on Overwatch in 5 year’s time. I have fallen in love with their world. It is something that I want to be a part of, beyond just being a player. I want to help develop it. And, it is my hope that my plans for this year will steer me in the right direction.

The one thing that I can say I did in 2017, is I made an unexpected group of friends this year, who helped me get my head straight.. They showed me how to be kinder to myself, just by loving me for who I am. Not what I want to do. I am so fortunate to have met them, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am grateful to have them in my life. I still tend to be rather anti-social, and end up disappearing on them for lengths of time.. but they mean the world to me. I am happy that I can move forward together with them.

Outside of that.. I finally got my hair dreaded.

One step closer to looking like Darkot, haha. No more cutting it either ^^ at least, for now. Until it grows out to about upper-back length. Then, I’ll probably start cutting it again.

As far as my old practice of cutting my hair to symbolize change goes.. in a way, that can kind of be seen as symptomatic of the stage of life I was in. I’d cut my hair to mark a new beginning... but it would always grow back out and need to be cut again. It was this endless, reoccurring cycle, just like how I’ve been living my life. Repeating the same day over and over. 

Now, my hair is a benchmark of time. If it grows to a certain length, and I can’t say what I’ve accomplished in that time, then I know I am not on track to where I want to be.

I’m going to try to make more of these going forward, to chronicle my adventure. And I’m going to draw daily again, starting today. I can’t say that it will always be something worth posting. But, I am determined to create at least one thing a day. I need to get back in the swing of things.

I am hoping this will be a good year. I feel good so far. Like I am ready to do this. To move on. But only time will tell, I guess. In any case, this is long enough. It enjoyed doing this again. I’ll probably write some more tomorrow!