#it's almost like they wanna push everyone out and ruin their own platforms

[chillllii]

everytime i think about how tech companies and social media devs dont give a singular fuck about their users and just make dumb decisions that only benefit the higher ups cause "on nyo i'm too stoopid to know how to stawk dis pewson devssssss i wanna seww a bunch of 14 yeaw owds info to my wich fwiends 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺" i try to remember that i can just...n. turn my screen off and not look at the internet overlords fattening themselves with datamining but then suddenly my only friend is my cat

[malleux]

PART THREE PART THREE PART THREE

spell [3]. | corpse husband

part one ; part two

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Genre: Fluff

-> Warnings: Anxiety, Self Doubt, Cursing, Hate Comments

-> A/N: here’s the long awaited part three! it’s definitely longer than the last chapters, but genuinely thank you all for 300 followers in literally 4 days lol. also, i wrote this under the small assumption that corpse’s main love language is physical touch!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

You didn’t realize that it was possible to shake so much. You were practically panicking- just from standing in front of an apartment door, ready to knock and meet the man who changed your life.

You’d woken up this morning bright and early. The Facetime call was still on with Corpse and small snores could be heard from his line. You had prayed that he’d gotten at least more than an hour, but doubted it as you hung up and sent a message about when you’d be leaving.

Corpse soon messaged back saying that he was awake as you finally finished packing- you’d stopped last night when he called- so you got in your car and drove the two hours it took to get to San Diego.

So now you stood in front of his apartment, practically trembling. Why you were so anxious, you didn’t know. You’d been talking to him for how long now? And it was never awkward.

But things could easily change when you met him in real life, couldn’t they?

You shook those thoughts out of your head and mustered up enough courage to knock on Corpse’s door, already becoming out of breath from such a simple gesture.

A crash sounded from in the apartment, followed by a small ‘fuck’ that made your heart flip. Soon after, the door opened and you looked up, finally coming eye to eye with him. You couldn’t help the grin that stretched across your face, mirroring his own as he smiled at you as well.

“Hi.” You internally smacked yourself for not saying more, but that’s truly all that could come out of your mouth at the moment.

“Hey. You’re uh- you’re so much prettier in real life.” Corpse responded, looking nearly everywhere but you.

You flushed. “And you’re super attractive, but I already suspected that.”

You could tell he was taken aback by your compliment because he suddenly became even more shy, silently moving out of the doorway and gesturing for you to enter.

“I’m going to film again with everyone in a few minutes, but first I can show you my bedroom so you can make yourself comfortable.” Corpse said after he closed the door. “You can sleep in there and I’ll stay on the couch-“

“Absolutely not.” You interjected, “I’m not kicking you out of your bed.”

“But you’re the guest and I’m not about to let you sleep on my couch.”

“And you’re the owner of this apartment and I’m not going to take over your space like that. I’m sleeping on the couch.”

Corpse groaned and reached his arm out towards you. You thought he was going to just shove your shoulder away for being stubborn, but instead he wrapped his arm completely around your shoulders, pulling you into his side as a hug. You grinned and turned, giving him a full hug and resting your cheek against his chest as his chin laid on your head.

“I’m for real glad you came to visit.” He murmured into your hair, squeezing you a bit tighter before letting go. “Do you wanna stream with me tonight or just chill and watch?”

꧁꧂

“Corpse is streaming Among Us again with Sean, Felix, Rae, Sykkuno, Dave, and Leslie!”

“Where’s Y/N? I miss #CorpseY/N !!”

Twitter was truly your go-to platform when you were bored. You’d been scrolling on it for about thirty minutes now, laying on a small couch that Corpse had in his gaming room.

The man himself was sitting across the room at his desk, talking loudly as he defended himself from being accused as Imposter.

You continued to scroll, feeling a little anxious that somehow Corpse just magically knew that you were looking through your ship tag with him. These were your only worried thoughts until you went past your first… unsavory comment of the day.

“Y/N isn’t playing with them again today. Maybe she finally got the hint that they don’t want her around.”

You rolled your eyes and ignored it, but couldn’t help the rather loud sigh that escaped your lips.

“Hey, guys, I’m going to mute the mic for a second. Everything’s good, don’t worry.” Corpse said into his mic before turning around and facing you. “Is everything okay?”

Turning the phone off and laying it on your chest, you contemplated telling Corpse the truth. He’d just worry about you and you didn’t want that. But he already was worried about you- he’d muted Among Us just to check on you.

“Why are people so mean to others?”

Corpse studied you for a minute before patting his lap. “Come here.”

You quirked an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“You're excused. Now come here.”

You stood up and cautiously walked towards the man, who sat before you expectantly. He playfully rolled his eyes and grabbed your wrist, pulling you into his lap sideways. Your back rested against one arm of his gaming chair while your legs draped across the other.

Corpse had one arm reaching around your back, placing his fingers on the keyboard while the other rested on top of your knees, grabbing the computer mouse. You laid your head on Corpse’s shoulder, resting in the crook of his neck.

“It’s in that shipping hashtag, isn’t it? I swear- whoever says that shit about you is dead wrong. Tell me if it gets worse, I’ll put them back in their fucking place. Nobody gets to decide who I’m with or who’s worthy of me.”

You only nodded and closed your eyes, breathing in Corpse’s cologne as he unmuted his mic once more to defend his honor, much like he was ready to defend you.

꧁꧂

Your body ached.

As you had argued your first day with Corpse, you’d been sleeping on his couch for four days now. The first night was okay- his couch was rather comfortable, but it didn’t compare to a bed. Now, your back, shoulders, and neck were killing you.

Every day, 7am would roll around and you would wake up, the soreness preventing you from sleeping in longer.

Usually, you would go into Corpse’s room and talk to him as he messed around on his laptop while sitting in his bed, but today when you entered, he was finally sleeping. It was the first time you’d seen him rest since you’d arrived and you quietly left, not wanting to disturb his much-needed sleep.

You made your way to his small kitchen, pulling out the few groceries that he had in his refrigerator to make breakfast.

Corpse often ate fast foods and takeout, and apologized earlier in the week for not having much to eat. You reassured him that it was okay- that him just letting you visit was enough- and now, you were determined to make it up to him with the best breakfast in bed ever.

You were halfway through making breakfast when the soft thump of feet echoed in the doorway before a chin planted itself on your shoulder.

“Whatcha cookin?” You practically shuddered at Corpse’s morning voice before suddenly gasping and shoving him out of the kitchen.

“No! No!” You pushed him back to his room, “Stay! Go back to bed, now!”

Right as you turned to go back to the kitchen, Corpse caught your wrist and pulled you down onto the bed with him. You practically squealed as you fell, making him laugh.

“Why? What’s going on?” He turned to face you with a teasing smile.

“I was making you breakfast in bed! I was gonna surprise you when you woke up, but you ruined it.” You pouted.

“Aw, poor baby.” His hand reached up and brushed a stray hair out of your face before he traced down your jawline, reaching your chin and using his finger to tilt it up. “I think I’ve got a better surprise, though.”

You quirked an eyebrow, but before you could say anything his lips were on yours. Your heart stopped, but you almost immediately melted into his kiss, bringing your own hand up to cup his cheek while his moved to rest on your waist.

Corpse soon propped himself up on his elbow, never once leaving your lips- just deepening the kiss. He smiled and gave you a few more pecks before finally pulling away and looking at you in adoration.

“Those little hate comments? They’re wrong. If anything, I don’t deserve you. You’ve still got me under a little spell and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Corpse, you deserve the world and I’d be honored to be the one to give it to you.”

“God, you’re perfect for me.”

You couldn’t say anything else. You could only lay beneath him, admiring the man who was now yours. Corpse leaned down again to capture you in another kiss, but you suddenly jerked away before you could lose yourself again.

“Shit, the pancakes!”

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒

spell taglist: @tanchosanke @paoisabelll @save-the-sky @yukinesekki98 @stephn-prkr @honestlyimstilllivinginthe90s @lustypielita @bi-andready-tocry @coruscaret

corpse taglist: @namjoons-crabssss @lookingforaplacetosleep @teenloves @princess00wifi @pillowjj @nvm-idgaf @creativedogs @wildflowerwhore @chillininahottub-withaghost @whyisquill @holosexualunicorn7000 @ourheavenlyemotions @corbins-kinda-smart @harryhighkey @sokkaspaintings @saturn2000 @a-dot-dev @bean04 @helena-way07 @tooturntashbash @locallolli @simonsbluee @redperson58 @reddeserths @annshit @corpsie-bby @emperor-pizza @vacaprincess @adorably-sweet-hufflepuff @rolls-and-rolex @supernovavision @bestgirlkonan @hughugh20 @theolwebshooter @johnjacobjingleheimerschmidt @shinyyoonie @milybones @propertyofdindjarin @qatiee @sunshineandrainyflowers @dontlookatmeidk @kxsmicsmain @corpsesgirl @witchybarb

┖┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┚

[kikilefangirl]

New Light

Barry Allen x Reader

(Quick Note: Happy Inauguration Day! After all the craziness and stress four years in the making, I wanted to write someone as kindhearted and sweet as Barry Allen.)

(Word Count: 1837)

“I’m on my way, Felicity, my train was running late—“

A hard shoulder slamming into your chest cut you off mid sentence and knocked you all the way to the hard ground.

Between the roar of trains coming in and out of the platform, shuffling footsteps, and your friend’s worried yelling through the phone, disoriented was a nice way of putting it. Your still head was spinning as you stumbled to your feet.

“Oh my, oh my god, I am so sorry—let me, uh— and you’re...already...up.” He rambled.

So it was a man who ran into you. And he was going on and on nervously as he picked up your fallen items. He had a thin build and dark hair, but you could only focus on his clumsy hands and apologetic eyes.

“It’s totally fine, just be careful next time.” You joked and pushed your braids away from your face.

The man rose to his feet and held your phone and purse out towards you. As you took them and gave him your best smile. There was something about his absentmindedness that was kind of charming and intriguing.

“I, uh, um...Barry Allen. I’m Barry Allen....Barry is my name.” He said.

You held in your laugh for fear of flustering him more and settled on a curious gaze. Barry wiped a hand on his back pocket and offered it to you.

“Nice to meet you, Barry. I’m Y/N.” You replied as you shook his hand.

You decided to omit the Queen part of your name, for now. Barry seemed sweet and genuinely interested in you. Having a dead father, a brother back from the dead, an out of control sister, and a mother on trial for mass murder tended to scare away any potential partners. You shifted your weight.

You had to get going sooner rather than later, but not wanting to let Barry go just yet, you took out a pen out of your purse and wrote your number on his palm.

“Try not to mow anyone else down today, and maybe give me a call if you're still in town, Barry.” You told him.

He stuttered through a response and turned a bright pink. You nodded with a smile and promptly walked off to your awaiting car.

“Barry Allen.” You repeated his name out loud once inside and heat built up in your cheeks. You hoped he’d call.

...

Oliver was waiting in his office for you when you walked up to the entrance of Queen Consolidated.

Pushing through the glass doors, you didn’t spare a second thought on the curious stares people sent you, you had spent your whole life getting them. A ping on your phone made you smile as soon as you saw it.

Sorry I ran you over earlier...I don’t really know places to go out here, but I could find somewhere if you still wanted to go out with me?—Barry Allen (from the train station, sorry again!)

A warm, bubbly feeling took over your whole body. Barry gave you a feeling you had rarely experienced: he was genuinely good. You needed some positivity in the midst of your chaotic life.

Before you could reply back, a woman’s voice and body stood in your way. You had only made it to the front desk.

“Excuse me—“

“No unauthorized personnel, here.” She explained.

Your eyes narrowed into slits as you looked up from your phone. Tons of other people were free and clear to pass by, but of course you, the black girl was stopped. Clicking your tongue, you tried to move past her.

“Do you have an ID for Queen Consolidated? If you don’t I’m going to have to ask you to leave before I call the police.” She said.

Bullshit.

“My name is Y/N Queen. Move.” You sniped. You were already running late as it was, but today of all days a white girl just had to try you.

“I’ve never heard of you. I’m calling the police.” She threatened. Her hand was already on the buttons. You huffed. What had started as an annoyance had escalated into full blown danger.

You quickly dialed your brother’s number. He picked up on the second ring.

“You’re late, Y/N.” Oliver chastised from the other end.

“Actually, I’m downstairs being blocked from the elevator, in a building we own, and a company we have shares in. Get down here, now.”

For a few tortuous minutes, you stood there waiting at a stalemate. The security was bounding down the steps; they were big men in dark suits and earpieces.

You ran your tongue on the roof of your mouth, a mix of anger and fear and shame. Oliver wasn’t supposed to bail you out. You were just as much a Queen as he was and should’ve had the same access as he did. You ground your teeth and folded your arms.

You were relieved when the elevator dinged and Oliver stepped out of it.

His eyes widened in surprise for a split second, before the realization of what was happening sunk in. To anyone that didn’t know him, Oliver might have looked calm. But the clenched jaw, pulled back lip corners and the way he furled and unfurled his hands as he adjusted his suit said otherwise.

“Who told you that you could physically block and try to remove my sister from the area?” He said with a straight face, staring directly at the woman.

You smirked as she stumbled through a range of bullshit excuses and ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Queen’ over and over again to no avail.

Oliver protectively ushered you into the elevator, but before the doors could close you yelled, “Might wanna see who’s hiring!”

On the way up, you brushed off Oliver’s questions and concerns. You had lived your entire life black, this was nothing new to you. But after five years away, it probably was to him. You weren’t a teenager standing by his or your dad’s side anymore.

“I’m fine, Ollie. Drop it, please.” You pleaded.

“That woman was going to call the police on you, Y/N.” He continued, still bewildered.

“I get that being on that island wasn’t your fault, but I’ve held my own as a black woman for five years without you or dad. Things like that are just a part of the package.” You explained.

As the two of you stepped off the elevator, you softened when he gave you a long hug. It was his apology, and you leaned in, accepting it. Five years was a long time away.

“I only came by to check in on you. With the break in and all, plus Mom’s party tonight...” You trailed off.

Oliver offered a small smile as the two of you rounded the corner. You blinked in surprise when you saw none other than Barry Allen talking to Felicity. Your mood instantly brightened.

“Barry!” You called out. At the sound of his name, he saw you and fell flat on his face. Clumsiness was becoming a theme between you two. You hurried over and helped him up.

“I’m so sorry!” You exclaimed, but Barry stared at you, confused. You held Barry’s full attention as if no one else was in the room. It was refreshing, really.

“Hi-hi again, Y/N...What are you doing h-here?” He asked. You held Barry’s full attention as if no one else was in the room. It was refreshing, really. Too bad Oliver had to ruin it.

“Barry, how do you know my little sister?” He said it, more than asked it.

Oliver gave Barry an icy glare. The threat in his voice may have had an effect on everyone else, but it made you roll your eyes in annoyance. He just had to add the little sister part. Barry straightened up and swallowed nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing in the process.

Damn it, Oliver. You two were very hot and cold lately and it bothered you to no end.

“I met him this morning, Ollie, mind your business.” You snapped. You turned back to Barry and smiled.

“There’s a party at our house tonight, you should drop by if my idiot brother doesn’t kill you first. Text me for the address.” You declared. Your eyes burned with defiance as you stormed off, matching Oliver’s mood. You guessed you really were siblings.

As you left, you hoped Barry would show.

...

The annual Queen family Christmas party was honestly, the most awkward two hours of your life.

You, Moira, Thea, and Oliver stood in an almost empty living room. The only guests seemed to be the caterers. Barry hadn’t texted you, either.

“Maybe...people got lost on the way.” You offered. Moira smiled at you and patted your shoulder.

“Thank you, dear, but we all know the real reason. Nobody wants to be seen with the likes of me.” She said. She was right. You shot her an apologetic look and handed her another drink.

Oliver took the opportunity to whisk you away from your mother and sister, “Y/N, help me with the drinks, please.”

You obliged without protest. You had already been stood up by half the city and Barry. Family really was all you had.

“What, Ollie?” You asked in an exasperated tone.

“I know that you took on a lot, while I was on the island. And I know that being the oldest wasn’t easy, especially for you in the public eye. I read the tabloids.”

Oliver’s admission made you a little teary eyed. He was the first person in the family to truly consider you family. He was your big brother. He caught up on all of the horrible headlines and rumors that swirled about you after the news broke about the Queen’s Gambit.

“Which is why I invited someone special, tonight. For you.” Oliver said. You raised a brow in confusion.

“I’m not that great over text.” You turned around and your mouth dropped open a little. It was Barry, in a really nice suit looking finer than ever. You gave him a hug and he took your hand.

“I’m also not a great dancer, I’ll try not to step on your toes.” He admitted. You led him to the dance floor and nodded to the musicians.

“Don’t worry about it. There isn’t much of a crowd to judge you.” You joked.

You and Barry swayed to the music, talking and laughing the whole way through. Barry Allen, you found, really was the ray of light you needed in the moment. The past few months were some of the hardest in your life, filled with dark moments and uncertainty.

As Barry held you and told you corny science jokes and yes, stepped on your toes once or twice, you realized you had never met anyone as sweet and as kind as him.

When the night was over, you couldn’t help but look forward to the next time you saw him.

[mylifeisactuallyamess]

Too Far Gone

Sith!Kylo x Female Reader

Warnings: Trooper violence against reader, drinking, swearing. NSFW 18+

Word count: 3.9k

Read Chapter 3 here on AO3.

The weeks had flown by morphing into months before you knew it, Poe had risen through the ranks quickly not only impressing Leia but everyone else in Resistance High Command. His flying skill coupled with his winning personality had everyone wrapped round his little finger, you could see when he walked through the base the amount of admiring glances that were chucked his way and it made you smirk. He really had the pick of the bunch. After a fairly successful and daring supply run Poe was promoted to Commander and he named you his Captain almost immediately. Standing in the conference room around the holotable you stared at the large construct before you called the Colossus.

‘I will send Commander Dameron and the Captain to gather intel from our spy on the fuelling platform, apparently the First Order has taken interest and I want to know why.’

‘I agree, we have to find out why the First Order is sneaking around and what they want with it,’ said General Ackbar, his bulbous yellow eyes blinking slowly. Leia turned to you and Poe a twinkle in her eyes as regarded you both.

‘You’re going to like this, come with me.’ You followed her into hangar one wondering what she was going to show you. ‘These are your new rides.’

‘Whooooa!’ Poe shoved past you as his excitement got the better of him. ‘Are these modified T-65s?’ Your eyes raked over the two spaceships before you, they were painted in bright gaudy colours, both ships had their top s-foils removed and their nose cones had been replaced but they were unmistakably T-65s the older model to your T-70. You crossed your arms as you regarded the fighters.

‘The Colossus, it’s a fueling platform, protected by the Aces squadron.’ Leia nodded at your words.

‘I need you to find out how far the First Order meddling goes. And I need confirmation on why they have shown interest.’

‘Yo! General! These are amazing!’ Poe shouted loudly.

‘I should hope so Commander! They cost an absolute fortune. Don’t ruin them.’ She moved to the side as two ball droids rolled up, one was orange and white and the other was blue and red, both of them beeping a greeting. ‘You will be assigned a droid each..’

‘Dibs on BB8!’ Poe jogged towards you, his face lighting up when he saw the little droid.

‘I would have taken CB23 anyway, girl power right?’ You knelt down and nudged the droid and she produced an arm to wave at you as she beeped in agreement. ‘When do we leave?’ Leia regarded you and you realised these questions should be coming from Poe but he was too busy talking to BB8 about the racers.

‘As soon as you’re ready, when you get there the contact will make himself known to you. He’ll know who you are.’

‘So are we just expected to fly in? Are we racing? Keeping a low profile?’ Details, you needed details Poe was rubbish with details he winged every mission he was ever on but you didn’t work like that.

‘You will fly in, ask for repairs, they will take you to the right hangar and then don’t get sucked into anything just watch, recon.’

‘Recon. Right.’ She patted your arm gently.

‘I’ll leave it to you Captain, your Commander seems preoccupied.’ You sighed wearily as you watched Poe, he was like an excited child but it made you smile.

‘We’ve got our work cut out for us CB.’ The droid beeped in agreement. ‘Can you stay with BB8 and do some diagnostics on the ships? Make friends with them and things, we’ll leave soon.’ She saluted you with her little arm before rolling off squealing commands at Poe and BB8. You watched Poe jump down as he headed towards you, he draped an arm over your shoulders as you both headed back to your room.

You sat on the bed as Poe was in refresher, you were warring with yourself about whether to take your lightsaber or not, the idea of leaving it behind made you panic but the idea of taking it also made you panic. What if it was discovered? What if you were taken by the First Order? So many things could go wrong with a mission like this. The bag sat heavily on your lap as you automatically untied the knots revealing the silver hilt. You gently ran your hand over the pattern you had carved into the metal feeling the ridges with your fingertips, the ridges that felt so right when you held it, the slanted top gave it an unusual appearance. Well all lightsabers were unique to the person who wielded them but Master Luke always seemed interested in yours but he never said why, and you’d never find out now. The door opened and you slammed the cover on your bag shut as Poe came out of the refresher, but he caught your movement.

‘You thinking of taking it?’

‘I don’t know, maybe, probably not. I don’t know, ok?’ You marched your way into the refresher and pushed the door shut. You could feel the pull to your weapon in here and it was driving you crazy, it was getting louder and louder, the headaches had started as the pressure built. But you kept ignoring it, you refused to acknowledge that side of you anymore, you’d cut yourself off from the Force as much as you could. But clearly, it wasn’t enough.

You splashed water over your face before heading back out into the room, Poe had got dressed, you’d been given plain flight suits and you packed some of your own clothes to change into. You ran the mission through with Poe, he seemed quite content to let you take the lead on this so you were going to. You headed back out into the hangar, the droids already ready and waiting.

‘Did you run diagnostics? Fuelled up? Ok then, Fire it up CB!’ You jumped into the cockpit feeling excited as the engines came to life, making the frame vibrate around you.

‘Red one can you hear me?’

‘Loud and clear Black Leader.’

‘You ready?’

‘Always.’

‘Good luck you two. Don’t get caught.’ Leia’s voice sounded in your headset.

‘Have faith General! See you soon!’ You followed Poe out of the hangar racing past him once you were in the clouds.

‘Wow! This has got a kick!’ You exclaimed as the g-force pushed you back into your seat.

‘You wanna race?’ You grimaced slightly thinking you shouldn’t.

‘I don’t know, maybe we should save fuel.’

‘Worried I’m going to beat you?’ You rolled your eyes as the sound of his smirk easily came across in his voice. ‘We can refuel when we get there.’ You looked at him through the transparisteel of your canopy noting his cocky expression and you felt a surge of competitiveness.

‘Sure. Let’s race flyboy.’

‘Alright! The girl knows how to play! BB8 count us down.’

‘Get ready CB…’ you murmured and she beeped in acknowledgment. BB8 let out a shrill beep and you released the throttle as far as it would go, feeling a rush as again the g-force pressure pushed you down and back into your seat.

‘Woooooohoooooo!’ You yelled as your engines flared and you sped away from Poe.

‘BB8! How’s she doing that? Give me more buddy!’ You spiralled up into the sky breaking the atmosphere at speed and just marvelling at how the blue and white sky gave way to the deep black of space. ‘You cheated!’ You grinned at the indignation on his voice.

‘Just take the loss, we all know I’m a better pilot than you.’ You heard him mumbling under his breath through your headset and you couldn’t help but laugh to yourself. You looked across at him again as you both glided smoothly in the nothingness of space.

‘Beautiful isn’t it?’

‘Yeah it really is, but we should get a move on, CB prime the hyperdrive, after you Black Leader.’

‘No no, ladies first.’ Without another word the white lights of hyperspace began to glow around you before blurring into a continual stream of white flashing light. You always enjoyed travelling at lightspeed, the silence was comforting, the sound of only your breathing keeping you company.

‘Well we’ve got 5 parsecs to go, these things really klick.’ Poe’s voice came over exceptionally loud in your headset shattering the brief moment of peace you had.

‘They really do. What do you think we’ll find once we get there?’

‘I don’t know. But we can’t come away empty handed. We need evidence for the Senate.’

‘I know. The First Order are being sneaky bastards.’

‘Try not to get us pulled into any fights.’

‘Who me?? More like you flirting with the wrong girl or something, keep it in your pants this time Dameron I do not want a repeat of Tatooine!’ You heard his groan and you knew he was covering his face in shame.

‘I was drunk…’

‘That’s no excuse! Let’s just both make a promise to not hit on anyone this mission.’

‘Sure. That’s a deal.’ You sighed slightly and saw you had three parsecs to go.

‘Nearly there.’ CB whistled and you frowned. ‘What do you mean you’re detecting something?’ You listened to a series of quick beeps and whistles from her as she chatted. ‘Black leader is BB8 reading the same?’

‘Yes Red one, something big is blocking our way.’ The proximity alert started beeping and flashing on your console. You flicked some switches priming the inertial damper to lessen the jolt coming out of hyperspace.

‘Dropping out now!’ You pulled the lightspeed lever dropping the ship manually and instantly you were faced with a huge starship looming ahead. ‘What the...that’s a First Order star destroyer. CB switch everything off and deactivate so we can glide by undetected.’

‘Good plan, BB do the same.’ You looked over as Poe as you both glided side by side, the First Order ship was huge, and you held your breath hoping they wouldn’t see you. You shivered as the coldness began to seep into the cockpit. It felt like it took forever to pass by, you started counting all the lights glowing from inside to keep yourself calm. You heard Poe release a breath in your headset as you both restarted the ships and bringing the droids back online.

‘That was close.’

‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

‘Let’s just get down there and see what’s happening.’

You were both directed to a repair hangar and you glided in slowly and landed. A large mechanism came down and gripped the wings pulling it below the platform to make room for Poe’s x-wing. The owner of the repair hangar came out to greet you, he was coming up to middle aged, his black dreadlocks tinged with grey and pulled back away from his face. He had a weathered look about him and his voice was rich and deep, he gave you directions to a bar that you could wait in while they looked over the racers. A young dark skinned girl was already casting suspicious looks at you both as she climbed onto Poe’s one and leaping into the cockpit. As you walked away, the droids trailing faithfully behind, you heard her speak.

‘Yeager, there’s nothing that needs fixing here!’

‘Just fuel them up Tam, stop being so damn nosy.’ You smirked as you heard her sigh loudly before the door shut behind you.

‘So no hitting on people? That’s the deal right, because…’

‘No. No because ! The deal sticks. End of. I don’t want to have to rescue you, shoot or punch anyone for your sorry arse.’ He gave you a mischievous smile as he saluted you.

‘Yes Captain!’ You shushed him as you spied the traditional white and black armour of a stormtrooper ahead.

‘No titles!’ You hissed. You eyed the troopers cornering a poor civilian asking for ID their blasters shoved in his face as he shrunk away from them. You and Poe dipped your heads not wanting to attract attention, Leia had paid handsomely for these fake IDs but you’d rather not put them to the test at all if possible. You both made it to the bar without incident, Poe ordered your drinks as you leant against the bar surveying the eclectic collection of alien species around you wondering who your contact could be.

‘Let’s head out onto the balcony.’ You nodded taking the drink off Poe and letting him lead you outside. The busy platform stretched out below you as it bustled with people attending the market. As you looked up into the blue sky you could see rings just hanging in the sky, they must use these for racing. You wondered what it felt like, heading for such a small space, fighting other people for position as you both dived for the same point.

The telltale screech of a TIE fighter lazily cutting through the sky had your stomach clenching in fear, knowing you were a member of the Resistance always made you hyper aware of everything First Order related. Poe rested against the rail of the balcony, he seemed so much more at ease than you and you felt jealous with how he just absorbed these new situations like they were nothing. You downed the harsh liquid, coughing as it burnt a fiery trail down your throat.

‘Gods Poe what is this?’ He shrugged as he looked at the doors behind you.

‘You needed relaxing, heads up.’ You turned around to see Yeager from the repair hangar heading towards you both, he stood next to you not really looking at you as he spoke.

‘So the First Order numbers are growing everyday, they are looking to take over the fuelling station as a tactical move,’ he spread his hands. ‘Of course I have no proof, you’d find that in Captain Doza’s office.’ Your eyes travelled to where he was pointing and you saw a tower standing proud from the rest of the platform. ‘You’ll find it at the top of Doza’s tower.’

‘He named the tower after himself?’ You asked. Yeager shrugged.

‘You’ll find it difficult to get in there.’ Poe looked at the droids as BB8 rolled towards you emitting a series of beeps.

‘BB is right, we’ll easily gain access with their help.’ Yeager nodded as he looked over you both.

‘Get in, get out, the longer you will be the more likely you’ll get caught. Go when it’s dark.’ He pushed away from the rail and you nudged Poe’s arm.

‘This mission just got far more interesting,’ you whispered.

‘Let’s finish up here and have a look around without getting caught.’ You made a motion to the droids and they both rolled to your sides.

‘I don’t have a good feeling about this,’ you murmured. Poe paused before he opened the door, his brown eyes looked at your worried expression before grabbing you in a tight hug. You breathed in the scent of his leather jacket, loving how much this simple familiar contact made you relax.

‘I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine,’ his voice rumbled quietly through his chest. ‘We’ll be fine. Let’s face it,’ he pulled you away slightly so you could see that infuriating cocky grin he always had before he landed you in a heap of shit. ‘We are pros at getting each other out of trouble.’ You shoved him away swatting him playfully on the shoulder, but nothing could shift the creeping sense of dread you had, it coiled around your insides and you couldn’t help but take it as a warning. Something was coming.

Darkness fell on the station and your breath came in short quick gasps as you hid round the corner. Your palms felt clammy as you held the blaster in your hands, there was a Trooper standing right behind you, just round the corner. All you had to do was spin and shoot. Spin and shoot. Your eyes flew to Poe and he nodded at you, ok spin and shoot. You took a step swinging yourself around the corner and shooting the trooper before he could even react. He dropped to the ground and you hid again, your chest heaving as you realised what you’d just done. Poe leaned across you to have a look round the corner.

‘Clear,’ he breathed. The rest of the corridor was empty and BB8 rolled up to the doorway and you hoped this was the right door. The door whooshed open and you all dived in the empty office closing it behind you. Poe stood by the door as you rummaged through the desk finally coming across a data pad with the First Order insignia on the back, you grabbed it and shoved it in your bag. The light on your commlink went off and you pushed the button hearing CB’s agitated squeals and beeps, your eyes widened, without much time to react you pushed some buttons on the desk. You had spied a door in the wall and to your relief it opened .

‘Get in here quick!’ You hissed. It was a tight fit especially with BB8 crushing your legs together but you managed to arrange it so you could see out of the tiny crack in the door. A cold sensation trickled down your back followed by an oppressive feeling on your mind, it was heavy causing you to sag slightly against Poe, he managed to wedge an arm around you so you didn’t make any noise as you shifted. The door opened to the office and man you supposed was Captain Doza walked in, he was flanked by two stormtroopers, and a trooper in gold armour.

‘Commander Pyre this visit is highly irregular,’ he stated angrily.

‘Have you had a look at our proposal Captain? We are getting impatient.’

‘I have had a quick look but I need to go over the finer details.’ The gold trooper shifted slightly as he listened to a transmission through his helmet.

‘It seems the Supreme Leader has got tired of waiting. He’s here.’ The colour drained out of the Captain's face and you shivered against Poe again, he tightened his arm around your waist, you could feel his concern but he couldn’t voice it.

‘Is there anything you want to say before he arrives, Captain?’ Captain Doza finally moved heading to the drawer where you had found the datapad. He scrabbled around for a few seconds. ‘Is there a problem?’ Asked Commander Pyre.

‘It’s gone, the proposal it’s missing!’

‘We will not stand for this Captain,’ the Commander's voice rolled threateningly from his helmet just as the door whooshed opened again. The cold feeling intensified clawing its way through your body as the tall figure of the Supreme Leader marched into the room.

‘Well?’ His voice spat out of his mask as he regarded everyone in the room.

‘The Captain has apparently lost the proposal.’ said Commander Pyre. You closed your eyes feeling the raw fury emitting from Kylo Ren, it battered you making you feel tender and highly aware of everything around you. The hairs on the back of your neck sent a prickly sensation down your body, goosebumps flooded your arms and you noticed your heartbeat racing as it thumped loudly in your ears. The feel of Poe’s leather jacket pressing into you and the way his arm held you, mixed with the heat of his body and the familiar smell of him all bombarded you aggressively and you could feel the heat rising in your body as your stomach churned. You needed out. The feel of Kylo Ren’s presence was immense and you couldn’t shut it out no matter how hard you tried, the cold touch of the Dark Side made you feel sick.

‘I am tired of waiting. Commander Pyre, take the Captain to the Shuttle. Take the station by force.’

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ The two white troopers grabbed the Captain and he instantly dug his heels in but it was futile.

‘No wait...please! My daughter!’ His voice faded away as they dragged him from the room the Commander following behind. But the Supreme Leader stayed, his mask slowly looking round the room as he scanned it, your eyes widened and you held your breath hoping he didn’t sense you, hoping he wouldn’t find you, because if he did, you were both dead. With a sudden swirl of his tunic the door opened and he left.

You and Poe waited a few beats before spilling out of the wardrobe in a tangle of arms and legs, you leant on the desk your stomach roiling at how close you had been to capture.

‘We need to get out of here.’ Poe whispered as he tried to grab your attention, but the sickness was boiling up inside you. ‘Come on move!’ He wrapped an arm around your waist heaving you towards the door, BB8 already working on opening it. ‘CB get those ships in the air!’ He whispered into the commlink as he dragged you out, your legs barely working as you still reeled from the effect of Kylo Ren’s presence. Poe paused and shoved you against a wall, he looked around making sure you were both alone before grabbing your face. ‘Come back to me, I need you. I need you to help get us out of this!’ You nodded concentrating on his brown eyes as you took a deep breath. ‘You might need this.’ You looked down as he pressed the cool hilt of your lightsaber into the palm of your hand. You looked at it, not believing you were really seeing it, your fingers snapped around it and you felt a surge within you. It cleared the fog that clouded your mind giving you clarity and strength you needed.

‘Alright, let’s do this.’

‘That’s my girl,’ breathed Poe as you took the lead. You knew you had to escape the maze of corridors before you were discovered, the longer you were in this place the harder it would be to leave. The First Order would be swarming the station in minutes. Finally you spied the door you had used to come in and BB8 hurriedly opened it only to be faced with Kylo Ren. Cold dread swept through you as a platoon of troopers crammed into the small space but you were frozen as you stared into the sightless mask, the silver lines around the eye holes captivating you, holding you in place. You could hear Poe yelling as he opened fire, he was yelling at you to run, to fight to do anything but just stand there. But you couldn’t move, trapped in a prison of your own making.

Pain blossomed at the back of your legs and you fell to the floor, the prison broken as pain became your main focus, another trooper smacked you across the face with the butt of his blaster splitting your lip and spraying blood on to the white leg of the soldier. You grunted numbness spreading over your face as the welt swelled quickly. You were alone, Poe had fled with BB8 and a detachment of troopers on their tail, you hoped they made it because if they didn’t it meant the First Order was already winning.

[bookrebelwordwarrior]

Curious American here! What are some burning issues right now in your country, that outsiders wouldn't know about? What is an issue specific in your country that you're especially passionate about? xo

Aww, hey! Hmm. Right now, there's a whole issue on trying to help farmers and herdsmen coexist, especially in the northern states, and it's a big deal because the farmers' farms get ruined by the livestock sometimes, and other times prominent or random people and/or their children get killed or kidnapped by someone who's upset about the conflict, one way or another. I'm from the south but it's very quickly becoming a national issue, if it isn't already, in the eyes of some. There's also still random bandits and Boko Haram in the north, which the powers that be are barely addressing. Then there's the fact that the government still refuses to take responsibility for SARS/SWAT and what happened on 10/10/2020, the Lekki Massacre. In the meantime, the issue hasn't stopped. And now they're pushing for people to get national ID numbers in the middle of a pandemic (or a pakurumo/panoramic/panshaga/pamurekeji #NigeriansWilding🤭) when there's no online registration option and people have to queue in the hot sun with no social distancing or general COVID protocols in place. Safe to say we have a bunch of issues. But homies are agonising over every detail of [insert whatever the latest event is - in this case, the inauguration ceremony]. Which you're entitled to as USians - it's an important thing for y'all and I'm happy for y'all, but I have almost no business with things like that, except that some of my friends are citizens there. Otherwise, I have my own issues and nobody even asks about them, but they talk about the latest little USian detail like it's taken for granted that everyone in the online space just knows and cares to know all this stuff. Like it concerns me. It happens on Tumblr and I try to largely block it out; it happens on Discord and like, I care about these people so if it's important or life-changing for them I definitely wanna hear it, in case y'all are reading this XDDD; it only doesn't happen to me on Twitter because the people I follow are like 90% Nigerians and then the other 10% are like, radfems and other interesting people I wanna follow. But it's kinda exhausting. More than a little. I would never tell my Discord homies not to talk about their stuff though, cause they have a right to do that. It's their space, too. If I'm not in the mood to deal, I'll just come back later. It just mostly feels like the US and its issues take up more space than any one country's stuff should take, on every social media platform.

That said, I don't want anything bad to happen to y'all, and if there's anything that outsiders need to know, or ways to help or whatever, I'm always pleased that they tell me.

[dilophosaurusatenewman]

RANT AHEAD sorry guys I'm on mobile so I can't do a read more. Just scroll by it shouldn't be that long.

Might be time for me to find a new d&d group 🙃 cause this is just not what I'm interested in nor what I'm looking for out of the game. Our DM is way too lenient in ways I don't think he should be. Our group is evenly split, with three of us who regulate ourselves pretty well and three who like to push boundaries and ask for the world. And since our DM is so lenient, those people who push and ask tend to get what they want while those of us who regulate ourselves and actually follow the rules are left kind of handicapped as a result.

Not to mention, those three who push seem to think of the campaign as their own personal show, like it's a single player RPG where they're the super special hero sent to save the world instead of a cooperative group game. They constantly want to do everything themselves, even when other players are much better suited to the task. They constantly talk over people, even when it's not their turn, and try to retcon things in ways to give themselves advantages. The new player I've mentioned previously is needlessly antagonistic to the point where I literally pointed my weapon at him last session cause we were being attacked by giants and I pulled the lever to lower us away from them and he pulled it back... For no reason. Only to then proceed to flip it again and dramatically jump onto the lowering platform after I pointed my bow at him, again making the scene about himself. In that same combat encounter, I used three of my turns in initiative to help the party while those same three players were busy showboating and looting instead of doing anything productive.

One of those three has decided he's going to go on a power trip/struggle with one of the players who actually regulates himself, who is, in canon, the leader of our group and our employer. Since the regulated player, ya know, regulates himself, the shitty player is just constantly talking over him and challenging him. Everytime the DM asks for something from the regulated player, the shitty player chimes in and answers instead. We're on a sea voyage and he's the only one of us who can steer the ship, essentially, since he has a sailor background, but he put absolutely no money into purchasing the ship and has still decided to try and declare himself as leader of the group while we're on it. This is not the first time nor the first character where this has been a problem with this particular player.

I chose proficiency with navigator's tools specifically because the DM said it would be an island setting and I have a merchant background and figured being on merchant ships made sense for my background and it'd also be useful in the future, but the shitty player has decided that since he's steering he's going to make all the checks and my proficiency has been used absolutely zero times and yeah I'm a bit salty about it. I don't want to be the main focus but I thought the one thing I could do that nobody else could would at least have me contribute a bit but nope! It's just been glossed over and now shitty player can apparently navigate on his own despite having absolutely no tools or skills to aid him in that.

We were all allowed to start the campaign with one magic item and the new player chose a belt of giant strength, which is fine, but the DM then allowed him to remake his whole character around that, essentially making strength his dump stat since he'd have the belt to compensate, meaning the rest of his stats are way higher than the rest of us and it's incredibly unbalanced and, at risk of sounding like a toddler throwing a fit, unfair.

The last shitty player has big ties into the main storyline so he and the DM do secret sessions occasionally about what he's doing off screen which gives him access to like way more loot than the rest of us. He's also a pact of the chain warlock and he uses his little imp to help him in everything pretty much, granting him almost perpetual advantage on every check he makes, and the DM doesn't really regulate it.

All three of these players also regularly declare what checks they're going to make instead of asking or just saying what they're going to do. "I'm going to make a religion check to see if I recognize this" despite not knowing if the thing even has religious connotations, they just have a high religion score and wanna use it. "I'm gonna make an insight check to see if I recognize this from my past" that's not really what insight is for? And even if it is, that's the DM's decision to make ???? You don't get to just decide what checks you're making otherwise what's the point in playing with a group, just run a module by yourself.

Not to mention I think there's just honestly too many people at the table. And since those three are so obviously outspoken, the other three of us kind of get ignored and skipped over. Hell, we're literally on a quest that's a tie in to my backstory and I spoke maybe three or four times last night outside of combat initiative because the other three just kept dominating the campaign and I'm sorry but when you get too many people playing at once, this happens. Initiatives take way too long to get through, and those three wanna push the boundaries with every turn so their turns are extended by them asking to do like eight different things they shouldn't be allowed to do. (My boyfriend literally pointed out he had time to cook a can of raviolis AND eat it all during one of these players single initiative turn). And people inevitably get left out, especially when the group isn't actively trying to include everyone which, see my complaints above, they're not.

I'm just... Tired. Like the point of d&d is to have fun. If we're not all having fun, what's the fucking point? Even if it's in character to do something kinda shitty, if you know it's going to ruin the game for everyone you're playing with, maybe don't do that. Cause honestly, above all else, THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF THE GAME. To have fun with your friends. And I'm just not having fun anymore. It feels like a chore and I just don't have the energy.

My boyfriend is gonna try talking to the DM cause he feels the same way and they've been friends since like elementary school, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. These problems have been brought up before and they're only half addressed, then not really reinforced so they're allowed to emerge again. And I just gotta be honest, I'd almost rather find another group to play with or even not play for a while than continue to force myself to play a game that only frustrates and disappoints me. If this is the campaign they want, that's fine! I can't really judge! But it's not what I want and if it's gonna continue this way it might just be time for me to leave the table.

[ayellowcurtain]

Could you write an underwater kiss voor VDS?

Jens is not used to driving for long hours, but he wanted to go away with Lucas for a few days and he doesn’t trust Lucas to drive his dad’s old car.

“Why are we going away for the weekend?” Jens holds the wheel a little tighter, trying not to smile, thinking on how good it feels to hear Lucas using we to talk about them. Lucas is looking at him and he can be small and skinny and younger, but Lucas is ridiculously intimidating with his confidence and his constant little smile.

“I don’t know. I wanted to go away with you, have more than just a few hours for us.”

Lucas raises his eyebrows and Jens squeezes the wheel again. He barely gave Lucas the time to accept his offer to go on a road trip or not and with the look on Lucas’ face, Jens thinks he might have gone too fast with things. His cheeks are starting to heat up and Jens just wishes Lucas is distracted with his phone or something else so he won’t see it, but then he hears Lucas’ laughter and he has to look, finding a genuine smile on Lucas’ thin lips and Jens doesn’t care about looking like an idiot anymore.

-

Jens had forgotten how good it feels to be here, hearing the water outside, the birds on the trees and the old fan struggling to create any type of relief for a hot morning. He was more than ready to enjoy his weekend with Lucas, all alone for once, not hiding from anyone, but Jens was extremely tired from the long drive. So he took all his clothes off and threw himself on the bed, he just needed an hour nap or longer. It feels like he slept longer, the bedroom is too hot already to be early morning.

Lucas followed him to bed when they got here, but he’s nowhere now. Jens touched the bed, called for him and then there are some noises coming from the other room. Footsteps coming closer until he stops and Jens turns to lie on his back, happy to find Lucas at the door, already wearing his swimming shorts, a bright yellow shirt and his hair is wet, his sunglasses holding his curls back.

“Did you go for a swim already?” Jens asks as he watches Lucas quietly walk closer, straddling him on the bed. His hair is damp, and his shorts are a little wet, making Jens’ briefs wet - with water - too. It’s unnecessary, but Jens thinks about the fact that Lucas is not wearing any underwear underneath his black shorts that only go to the middle of his thighs, going even higher when he sits on Jens’ lap.

“Just to fully wake up,” Lucas answers easily. “Are you awake?” He moves his hips just slightly, pressing his ass right on top of Jens’ crotch.

“Shit.” He moves his hips up just slightly, liking how it makes Lucas put one hand on his shoulder, squeezing a little. “Yes, now I am.”

Somehow, Lucas looks even better during summer. His bright blue eyes don’t take the clarity too well, so he’s sort of constantly squinting in the cutest way, already a little tanned, turning his eyes even bluer, his freckles going wild on his cheeks and nose and his style is definitely at its peak with bright, flowery shirts and shorts that only go to the middle of his tights, letting Jens admire his long legs whenever he feels like it. He’s not sure, but Jens thinks Lucas is a pretty confident guy, happy in his own skin.

Lucas just stares at him, clearly enjoying how close their hips are, feeling everything inside each other’s shorts and boxers. These are the moments where Jens wishes he knew what this is. Whatever they’re doing, constantly together. He would like to know the word to use it to explain what it is or how it makes him feel.

“I’m tired of hiding, Luc.” Lucas takes his sunglasses off, putting it at the top of his head again, taking his curls out of his eyes and he squints a little with the sudden brightness, looking so cocky like always and Jens just wants to ruin him enough to take that smirk off his face for a few hours.

“You’re tired of hiding with me?” Jens rolls his eyes, quietly putting his hands on Lucas’ thighs, still so very cold from the water.

“Yes. We have to hide from everyone else to meet each other, fuck in peace…”

“So romantic.” Lucas finally moves slowly, putting both hands on Jens’ chest, accidentally smiling wider as Lucas comes closer.

Jens tries not to look dumb, but it’s hard when Lucas is so close, almost touching their lips. “I learned with the best to be more practical.”

-

The weather is finally warming up. Summer is finally here and Jens couldn’t be happier, but it doesn’t mean that the water is warm enough. Jens hates cold water. He hates wetsuits too, but there’s no way he’s gonna go on the water without it. Hopefully, Lucas will help him take it off afterward.

Lucas’ food was amazing and now they can go on their first adventure. It’s a huge lake still very much empty and Jens can’t remember the last time he used his kayak. Today feels like the perfect day. He wants to show Lucas everything, make him fall in love like little Jens did a decade ago. Lucas sits on the front while Jens holds the kayak for him and he gets in afterward, carefully putting one leg on each side of Lucas, glad to have him this close for their lake tour.

Lucas is a lightweight like Robbe, so Jens gives him a break, rowing for both of them, stopping at the other side of the lake, showing Lucas the tree where he and Robbe used to climb to jump into the water. He’s not that adventurous and Jens doesn’t feel like climbing a tree while using a wetsuit and a life jacket just to prove his point either, so he goes back to rowing and Lucas leans against him, putting his sunglasses back on.

There’s no denying it, nobody is inside his head anyway, so Jens lets himself wonder how did he let himself fall this hard for this boy. Maybe it’s his thing: to go for the most difficult person. Jana was best friends with his girlfriend. Lucas lives in another country. And he’s also a boy and both of them are pretty much inside the closet still.

Yet, here is Jens, showing him his old lake house, where most of Jens’ important memories were made. They could have gone anywhere, but Jens needed Lucas to meet this place, his old hobbies, where he used to go with his best friend. Everything.

Robbe’s old life jacket fits a little too tight on Lucas, but Jens forced him to use it just because. He shows Lucas the old platform that someone put on the lake. It’s too wobbly, Jens never liked staying in it, makes him nauseous and Lucas looks over his shoulder when he tells him that, shrugging a little.

“Then I don’t wanna go either.”

“Are you sure? You might like it. Robbe used to love it.” Lucas doesn’t repeat his answer so Jens just pushes them away, going back to the house slowly. His arms are tired, he might need a massage later.

“You talk a lot about your friend…”

Lucas readjusts himself closer to Jens and he bites his cheek not to smile. “Not as much as you talk about Kes.”

“That’s bullshit. I barely talk about Kes.” Lucas does talk a lot about Kes, but not this weekend, probably because it’s...their weekend.

“Sorry then. It’s just that he used to come here with my family. I’ll try to keep my mouth shut now.” Lucas looks over his shoulder, the corner of his lips turning upward. He maneuvers himself carefully to face Jens, sort of sitting on his lap, his feet sinking into the cold water.

“If you make me fall into the water...I swear to fucking God, Lucas.” He takes his glasses off again, kissing Jens’ cheek, looking up through his lashes.

“I thought you needed help keeping your mouth shut about Robbe…” Jens is astonished for a second. Lucas is jealous. Of Robbe, of all people. He doesn’t have much time to digest that because Lucas licks his lips open, pulling a moan out of Jens, forgetting about the rowing for a minute, putting his hand on Lucas’ waist instead, underneath his soft shirt, feeling how warm his skin feels.

[shawnsorangeglasses]

The Opposition - Part 3.1

3.1k words

Shawn is a tightly wound, Type A law student in college. For the most part, he has his life figured out and planned to the minute. Then comes Caroline, a charming Type B and his unlikely equal.

thank you all for being so patient. ...

It's Wednesday. Shawn fears the closer he gets to Friday, the less motivated he is to crash the frat party. This morning, Caroline sent him a text riddled with lowercase letters and several typos to discuss the plan. He's meeting her in front of the library a few hours after his first class. On Mondays and Wednesdays, it's ethics and his third criminal law course in the afternoon. Tuesdays and Thursdays is legal writing and criminal behavior. He loves the work, but it’s nice to do something else, even if it is scheming.

He walks by a group of senior women on the way. They smile and wave flirtatiously, but he keeps his eyes low and walks faster. They laugh.

Caroline is waiting for Shawn on the back of the library's lion statue, conducting her hands to music only she can hear through her earbuds. Of course that's where she is, Shawn thinks to himself. Her sweater, the one from last night, is tied around her waist. She doesn't notice him at first because the song is up at full volume. Bright yellow socks are the only vibrant color she's chosen to wear today in an otherwise plain ensemble.

"You're not supposed to sit on those," he tells her.

Her head snaps around, "Oh, it's just you. Where's Harry?"

"Theater club until 6 PM."

Caroline grunts and groans, rolling rather ungracefully off the metal beast. "How the hell am I supposed to sit through this without him?"

"I'm sure you'll manage." Shawn leads towards the double doors, but a tiny hand latches onto his elbow, stopping him short.

"Can't you just tell me right here in the sun? It's freezing inside."

Shawn taps his heel on the pavement impatiently. "I suppose we can go to the old greenhouse out back."

Caroline cocks an eyebrow. "Oh, he's taking me out back. How scandalous."

"Relax, it's not in use anymore and half the windows are smashed. It's the furthest thing from romantic.

"She circles him, "Uh huh, sure it is."

"It is."

Shawn takes her down a path that’s gone undisturbed for a long time. The greenhouse is obscured by a wall of untamed trees and shrubbery. The only entrance is a gate overrun by vines and ivies. Shawn unlatches the lock and its rusty chain falls limp with a clang.

"After you," he says, permitting Caroline to enter first.

"Are we allowed back here, Mr. Rulebook?"

"This is the only rule you'll ever find me breaking."

Caroline gazes up at the quaint structure in all its decay and ruin. Branches extend in and out of broken windows. She can just make out a misty rainbow in the fog at the very top of the roof. Ironically, it’s probably the prettiest part of the campus she’s seen so far.

"How'd you find this place?"

"Ms. Attie brought me here my first semester. It used to be kind of panic room for me, but I haven't needed it lately."

She takes two steps forward. "Is it safe?"

"There's broken glass and exposed wires everywhere, but you're smart enough. I think you'll live."

“Aw, you think I’m smart?”

He has to smile at his slip up. “I think you’re adept. Don’t get a big head.”

Shawn pats her shoulder and moves ahead. Caroline jogs after him, trying to keep up with his long strides in the tall grass.Inside are only vague reminders of what the greenhouse may have looked like before the wilderness reclaimed it. All kinds of weeds have pushed through the ground floor. Unchecked foliage has made the once spacious house small and humid inside. Caroline picks up one of the few plants that are still in a solid pot, then sets it back in its dust ring.Shawn stops at the iron staircase leading to a platform above.

"This way. Attie said the steps are too corroded to be safe, so we have to use the ladder."

The ladder leans against the second floor ledge with cinder blocks at its feet to keep it in place. It goes straight up into a sunnier ledge, closest to the ceiling. It's the only part of the greenhouse with all the windows still intact. Caroline again goes ahead of him, but loses her footing on a loose rung. Shawn's quick to catch her, grabbing onto her hip. He doesn't let go until she's regained her balance, and even so his fingertips linger on her midriff.

"Any other surprises," she huffs.

"I don't know, maybe? It's been a while."

She smirks down at him, then continues to climb. Each step, she tests the rungs with a few taps before proceeding. Shawn is trying to keep from looking, but she's right there above his head, in shorts. He concentrates on his own steps.

Caroline's feet patter around the platform. "Hmm, I don't know Mendes. This looks pretty romantic to me."He's about to protest again until he makes the top of the ladder. A picnic is set up on one of the metal tables, but clearly abandoned. Shawn sighs.

"Harry must have been here recently with some guy or girl, most likely showing off." He can feel Caroline's eyes on him. "Which is not why we're here, for the last time."

"Alright. Did he leave any non-perishables?"

Shawn sifts through the picnic basket's contents. Every single bag is torn to shreds. "No, looks like the raccoons came through— oh wait, there's a jar of raw honey."

"I call dibs."

"You can have it," Shawn chuckles. "Harrison keeps our kitchen stocked with the stuff."

She takes the jar, holding it up to the sun. "Why did we come here, again?"

"Going over the plan."

"Oh yeah."

Caroline hops up onto a shelf in between two flower bushes, securing her jar of honey at the bottom of her bag. Sun spills shafts of light on her hair, making them a rich brown around the edges.

"The party's on Friday and I know I'm your plus one. We definitely shouldn't stay too long though. What's our out going to be?"

"I could get 'sick' or 'too drunk' and you have to take me home."

"That could work. I say we try to avoid attention altogether though. Kate knows I don't do parties and I won't know how to explain myself."

Caroline pokes a fern and its leaves retract. "Just say you're doing research on college party scenes and how they affect academic accomplishment or something."

"That's...actually a good idea."

She flips her hair and shrugs. "I know."

"Okay, don't get cocky." Shawn nibbles on his thumb. "I guess we're ready?"Caroline tilts her head at him. "You don't sound ready."

"I am very nervous, yes."

"Well don't worry. Just think of it as extreme eavesdropping."

"There's still so many margins of error," he mutters to himself. "Argh, this is why I hate parties. I have no way of actually preparing for this. What if something stupid happens? What if the cops show up? Cops always show up in the movies. Listen to me, comparing real life to the movies-”

"Hey," she slides down from the shelf and puts two hands on his shoulders. Her inky brown eyes penetrate his own. "Don’t spiral. That's why I'm coming with you. We can always improvise. It's gonna be fine. In the name of love, right?"

Shawn takes a deep, shaky breath. She'd been saying this to him since Monday. In the name of love. But Shawn isn't even positive he loves Kate, whatever that means. She just makes him tingly all over. All girls make him a little nervous once they show an interest in him. It isn't even all about love at this point. He just wants everything to go back to normal.

"Right," he says anyway. "In the name of love."

"Okay then," she gives him shake and lets go. "How much time do you have?"

Shawn checks his watch. "About two hours."

"Wanna go eat?" …

The dining hall is flowing with students coming and going. All the major groups have found their respective tables for the hour. Caroline seems to know at least a few people in every clan they pass by on the way to the kitchen, and every person is happy to see her or has some inside joke to share.

"Uh Caroline," Shawn taps her shoulder, "What exactly is your major?"

"I don’t know yet. I really like everything. Why?""

You just seem to know...well, everyone."

"Oh, I had psychology last year. Between surveys and case studies, you kind of meet people. And I made mine so they could be interesting and fun, so they’d come back."

Shawn gazes at a few of the people they passed. Music majors, science majors, even the business majors knew Caroline. A few are looking in his direction. Most people know Shawn from the mock trials because they get published in the school newspaper. His serious reputation has preceded him for quite some time. So naturally, they'd be curious as to why he's suddenly at breakfast with Caroline.

"Everybody's staring," he tells her in a hushed voice.

"Well yeah, it's me standing next to you," she said much louder, already having read the room.

Shawn has noticed the physical contrast of him Caroline before. His lean and broad figure just barely towering over her stocky, compact build is something to behold. They couldn't be more different.

"They might also be staring because of your face," she says as she makes a beeline for the pasta trays.

"What's wrong with my face?"

"Literally nothing. That's why they're staring, genius."

Shawn squints at her. "You have very interesting way of paying me compliments."

She gives him a tender pat on the shoulder. "What are friends for?"

He has to admit to himself, she is entertaining without trying. The honesty that comes with Caroline's words is refreshing. The few girls he's come across in the past hardly ever say what they mean or feel. Kate was one of them.

"Let's sit over there," Caroline nods at a small corner table well lit by a wall of windows. Empty booths are scarce in the cafe. A few feet away from that spot is Jared Price with a handful of law majors. Shawn grabs Caroline’s arm and pulls her behind a wall next to the vending machines. Without meaning to, he’s pinned her into a corner.

“What the hell’s your problem,” she snaps. “I almost dropped my pasta.”

“Shush,” he hisses.

It’s only been a few times that a guy has had Caroline on the wall in this fashion. Shawn’s approach is, of course, in no way romantic and definitely clumsy to say the least. Though she knows it’s probably not intentional, she can’t help but feel the tiniest impulse to misbehave right now.

Shawn’s still tensed up and peering around the corner. She takes a peek. There’s plenty of people to look at and her heart was kind of hoping to see Kate floating in between some of the tables. No one seems to fit the description Shawn’s given her in recent conversations. In fact, his panicked eyes are completed transfixed on a table surrounded by what look like carbon copies of him.

“Must be a law thing to dress like the dean,” she says. “Don’t you want to talk to your kin?”

“Not necessarily,” Shawn says with a shake of his head.

"Well, do you mind," she says looking him up and down. "I'm kind of stuck between a vending machine and a... well, a hard place."

A harsh blush seeps into Shawn's face and neck as he realizes the position he's put them in. Caroline holds her takeout box of food close to her chest in one hand and pushing back on his abs with the other. A wry, all-knowing smile pushes her dimple deeper into her cheek. Shawn bolts backwards.

"S-Sorry, I wasn't trying to-,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, hoping his thoughts would gather up easier that way. “I'm not- I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry."

"No worries Mendes," Caroline pats his chest. "If I have to pinned against a wall by anyone, I'm fine with it being you."

Shawn shields his face with his hand, which is already starting to get clammy and prickly. "Why do you have to make everything so weird?"

"It’s only weird in your head, Shawn. Come on.” She nods in the direction of the other exit, away from the law school table and the rest of the cafe. “We can go eat on the lawn.”

She trots over to the double doors. Her thick messy curls bounce on her shoulders in a manner that's almost teasing. With one backwards shove, she pushes the door open, making room for Shawn to follow after her. He unbuttons his collar, then trudges through the uncomfortable air he’s made for himself. It amazes him how nothing else in the room changes after an encounter so awkward.

The outdoors presents a hot and dry midday heat. As nice as it would be to sit in the air conditioning and eat, Shawn would rather sweat than be stuck arguing about the ethics of this assigned case with Jared Fucking Price.

“Right over here,” Caroline says.

She’s pointing towards one of the few crepe myrtles on campus in the middle of a green lawn. The tree is still young, so it’s shade is small and requires them to sit close if they want to cool off. She’s already made herself at home on the petals scattered at its roots. In any other setting, this whole picture would seem staged, but Caroline looks like she belongs there more than anyone. Shawn takes this brief moment waiting for her to sit down to observe again. Another nuisance of a sensation settles in his gut. He dismisses it as a hunger pain.

He crouches down at her side stiffly. Even in such limited space, he maintains the usual respectful distance. The shaded parts of the grass are soft and cool beneath his palms. Shawn expected to just eat in silence since that’s usually what happens when he’s out with someone other than Harrison. Every time he’s met with Caroline in the past few days, she’s allowed the silence to happen. Now, she’s practically itching to talk.

“So,” she sighs, “are we gonna talk about what that was?”

“I already said I was sorry. Please drop it.”

“Not that,” she sighs. “You totally ghosted your friends the law majors’ table. Why?”

It almost slips out, how much he hates Jared and his elitist herd of followers. Caroline has this way of talking that makes you forget you have secrets. It’s for this reason that he bites his lower lip and chooses his next words carefully. The law department is already a tough enough crowd without them knowing he doesn’t enjoy their miserable company.

“I didn’t ghost anybody worth calling a friend.”

“Oh,” she says, light and flippant in her tone.

“Oh what?”

“It’s just a little cold,” her eyes skirt around his face. “Even for you.”

“You don’t know them, Caroline.”

She throws her hands up. “Hey, I get it. That law department is quite the dickhead factory.”

He shakes his head, well aware that she was throwing him into that lot. “Touchè,” he mutters.

“You always this distant with peers?”

“Do we have to talk about it?”

“No. We don’t have to talk about it,” she eventually says, and she almost sounds sad when she does. “But Shawn, we’ve had these meetings for a few days now. I get that you don’t talk much, but it’s kind of weird not knowing you at all by now.”

"Funny. I believe I've said more about myself in the last four hours than I've told anyone in the last year."

It’s one of those jokes that Shawn thinks is funny at first until no one laughs. It’s even worse in a conversation with only one other person.

“How generous of you,” she deadpans. For the first time since they’ve met, she sounds genuinely irritated with him.

He looks around the environment as if he’ll find something to talk about there. Nothing appears of course and Caroline is still quietly pulling weeds from the grass. Quiet was the intention, but not if it meant her shutting down. He leans back on his hands in the mulch and dirt to stretch his legs out into the sun.

“I wanted to be a musician, you know.”

Caroline’s ears perk up. “That’s...random.”

“Guitar and piano was as far as I got. Long time ago.”

“Were you any good?”

“I was told I was good. I always thought I could’ve been better.”

She snorts, “Yeah sounds about right.”

“Obviously, I changed my mind. Got into debate and ethics in high school.”

“Is that what changed?”

He nods. “So many times the system gets it wrong and sends innocent people to prison. It’s insane, I mean, the amount of laws we have overlapping and changing everyday would surprise you. No scenario is ever so thought out. Not to mention ethics aren’t always in black and white. I could talk for hours about the-”

Shawn grinds to a halt when he finally notices the smile slowly breaking his face. Caroline’s given him her full attention. Somehow, he’s leaned in closer to her, like he does every time he goes on a tangent.

I’m getting carried away,” he sighs.

“No, it’s wonderful,” Caroline cooed. “I’ve never seen you so happy.”

He cocks his head to one side. “Nobody likes a rambler.”

“Guess that makes me the biggest nobody of all.”

She shoulders his arm, rocking him slightly. Shawn’s ears start to burn. He looks down. Caroline’s sweater sleeve has ended up in the mulch somehow. He carefully picks it up, pulling the wood chips gently from the threads before setting neatly onto her thigh. She doesn’t say a word while this is all happening. In fact, she watches his movements intently. He’s going to ask and she wants to be ready.

“I have a question,” he says. “The other night, when you came back to my room for your sweater, why were you— well I thought you were, I don’t know. Maybe I was seeing things-”

“Bawling my eyes out?”

A faint grimace flashes across Shawn’s face.

“I’m not touchy about it,” she assures him. “Short answer is that it belonged to my mom. Then Dad gave it to me when I graduated high school.”

Shawn steals a look at her and she’s smiling softly. “Can I have the long answer?”

Caroline leans back. “It’s a real sob story,” she says loftily. “I’d hate for you start feeling sorry for me.”

“Please, ‘sorry’ is the last thing I’ll ever feel for you, Caroline,” Shawn quips

“Shawn,” says a familiar voice. “Shawn Mendes?”

Shawn looks up and to his disappointment finds Jared Price standing over them casting a condescending shadow at their feet. The other law majors aren’t far behind, coming closer to their spot under the tree. ...

taglist:

@tnhmblive @rulerofnocountry @matchamendes @damselindistressanu @gxccicoffee @yoelleex @5-seconds-of-mendes @darling-shawn @imaginesofdreams @nervousaroundmendes @hiyabich @sinplisticshawn @peterbrokenparker @sauveteen @allaboutthatdrummer @particularnarry @shawnwyr @1am9root

[wombtangclanaz]

“Not everyone can be Russ”

So I’m not really sure where to start a whole ass blog but since my rants are constantly triggered by random content I see, I'm gonna stick to what I know and not try to psych myself out and delay this blog further. So we’ll jump right in. I have to shoutout Kato on the Track for always validating the things I think I'm learning on my own, and for packaging those lessons into words that make sense and that I can share with others. If you’re not familiar with Kato, Dame Mec, DJ Pain, Sound Advice, Music Entrepreneur Club and so many other local platforms/people of the sort, you really playin yourself,  PERIODT. These guys really care about layin it out for you in a meaningful way which takes a lot of work. so WATCH AND LISTEN.  So, between yesterday and today, Kato posted a few short videos talking about the subjects we are about to explore. Until I can figure out how to attach said videos, go watch them on IG @katoproducer. The one posted today is titled “Not everyone can be Russ” and I feel that on SUCH a spiritual level. If you’re familiar with Russ at all, you can probably kinda guess what this is about. For those not familiar, Russ is a rapper/song writer/producer/author etc etc etc. who has gained some big recognition for his blueprint as an “independent” artist. I personally don't really listen to Russ or closely follow his career, however his relevance in the industry is undeniable. if you watch any interview with Russ, its clear he's garnered fame by figuring out how to be an independent powerhouse, more or less. (Admittedly, the technical “BUSINESS” side of the industry is still something I lack a lot of knowledge in cause it involves politics that can be annoying, however I'm always tryna find people to teach me more things. If this is you, tap inwardly) But basically, the point Kato is trying to make is that its not necessarily better to be doing EVERYTHING yourself with zero out-sourcing/collaboration. We see this A LOT on applications for Tucson Hip Hop Festival (shoutout THHF fam I love you guys) It seems like young artists are quick to tell us about how they rap AND PRODUCER/WRITE/RECORD/ENGINEER all their own music in their closet. it seems to be a point made to try to impress, when really it can be a red flag. This might be just my opinion, however I have a lot of conversations about this with the mentors I keep close to me and they seem to share my sentiments. The problem with doing EVERYTHING yourself is that it can quickly create a “master of none” situation. The beautiful part of todays music industry is that the technology to do the basic things yourself and is mostly free and at your fingertips. Every kid with an iphone5 can make a rap song. This is one of the reasons that hip hip is one of the most popular genres in the world right now. With popularity comes intense levels of over-saturation. You have to focus your talents and efforts and TIME. If you’re a rapper SLASH producer, ask yourself which one you're more passionate about, which one would be devastating to leave behind? Now, this doesn't mean you’re forever disqualified from making beats in the future or trying your hand at rapping. I think a big factor in a hip hop career these days is TIMING. Take note that Russ released 11 albums and 87 singles CONSECUATIVELY AND FREE OF CHARGE before he really got meaningful recognition with Soundcloud. Not to mention the fact that producers and DJ’s are more recognized and showcased as separate entities, locally and nationally. A big reason is the fact that social media made branding so easy and mostly free. Now, if you’re someone who just likes to experiment and create music and try your hand at rapping, DO NOT LET ME DISCOURAGE YOU. Everyones gotta figure things out, its important that you’re exploring and creating DESPITE everything. Consistency is key. Do not let me dictate your dreams. HOWEVER, if you're looking to take the next step and actually pursue a career, this is advice you may want to take to heart. It sounds counter-intuitive but the best way to gain success as an INDEPENDENT artist is COLLABORATION WITH YOUR PEERS. Another point Kato makes is how up-and-coming rappers are immediately trying to work with artists or entities 3-4 steps ahead of them. Theres many rappers who try to afford themselves the PRIVILEGE of skipping necessary steps in their career. Most notably the LOCAL step. I see so many rappers following this romanticized narrative of being an INDEPENDANT artist, fuck a label got it out the dirt do it all on my own yadda yadda, but are so quick to bash or dismiss their local scene that they have yet to even explore, all the while on social media spamming every single major record label and tagging every legendary rapper they can think of in every single irrelevant thing they post. I can't make any sense of that honestly. I CONSTANTLYYYYYYY have kids reaching out to me sayin they wanna legitimize their local scene, PUT ON for their city, put their state ON THE MAP, help build their community, PUSH THE CULTURE, be socially active and change lives etc etc etc. and have never been to a SINGLE local event (even as a supporter), can't name a SINGLE leader or influential person in their hip hop community or a SINGLE local rapper they admire(who aren't just one of their homies).  I LOVE that energy and passion. but without the KNOWLEDGE of what's going on around you, and the people laying down the roadwork for you, you look low-key disrespectful and very under informed. I mean, this is quite literally the bane of my existence. If you're involved in organizing shows or events or platforms on any level, you know how many people will hit you up to be on every single show/festival but HAVE not and WILL not ever attend or support otherwise. I'm sorry but there's no other way around it. I can speak for the whole state when I say that there are locally conscience artists that quite literally “put on” for their community every weekend and have for years and years. if you message me on IG for coverage on my platform and we have 2 mutual friends, THATS A HUGE RED FLAG. There are many experienced and talented people around you who want nothing more than to provide opportunities and support to pass the torch to the next generation. Its okay to reach out for support and ask for help as long as you’re worthy of it. Dame Mec always says that if you’re reaching out to someone ASKING for something (no matter how small) you gotta make sure you’re working JUST as hard or ALMOST as hard as the people you’re reaching out to. “CLOUT” does not exist if you’re actually worthy of the support, it just comes and it lasts longer. Building in your local scene can really boost the longevity of your career and helps you find “success” in unexpected places. And maybe i’m the one romanticizing now, but asking for something should not be your first contact with said person. Your local networking, knowledge and SUPPORT OF OTHERS should not come solely from YOUR OWN desire for success, wealth or influence. It should come from your utter love and uncompromising passion for HIP HOP and every avenue of culture that goes along with it. You should already be attending hip hop events and having hip hop experiences, not because you decide you're a rapper one day, but because its the thing you enjoy the most and absolutely cannot see your life without it. Sometimes I let myself get annoyed by the lack of knowledge and lack of willingness to learn that I see plaguing hip hop today and I always remember what one of my homies/mentors always says when I wanna talk shit; “their heart just isn't in it” (Pike obvi) and that's just so damn true. If your heart isn't in it, everyone around you is gonna figure that out way before you do. Don't let your ego ruin your career before you even have one

[cookinguptales]

So this came up on Twitter yesterday and I thought I’d post about it on Tumblr today. Frankly speaking, I’ve got a lot of young followers and this is some truth I wish someone had taught me when I was a lot younger because I would’ve gone through a lot less stress.

I know we’re all starved for outside validation on this site, but I wanna talk to you about when compliments are used by creeps. Now, you probably know about negging (when someone uses a backhanded compliment on you to make you feel bad about yourself, often in order to pick you up more easily — i.e. “you’re really pretty for a fat girl”), creepy sexualized comments on the street, etc. But I’m talking about really nice compliments about your work or your personality or your drive. Even the sweetest compliment can be used as a weapon.

(All this is going to be a pretty gendered discussion; I in no way want to say that only guys can be creeps and only women have been socialized in the ways I’m about to discuss, but, well. Let’s all be real here, there are definite patterns.)

Discussion under a cut for length and possible triggers

I don’t want to get into a lot of my own painful personal experiences with creepy guys, but I do have to bring up some examples from my own life, so I’ll use one particular guy as a case study. Let’s call him Dick. (Look, I never claimed to be mature.) I’ve had these experiences with guys IRL, but Dick was a guy I met online. At first, Dick was my friend. He clearly had a bit of a crush, but seemed to accept it when I said I wasn’t interested. It was nice having a bud who shared my interests and I knew he had some issues with socializing, so at first I was pretty patient with his problems with boundaries. But by the time my longstanding friendship with Dick ended, he had become a full-blown stalker — and my friends were on his side.

How did this happen? Well, my friends, it’s the art of the public compliment. Dick was All About Me. He loved me. He treated me right. He praised me for my mind and my heart, and he didn’t care who heard him do it. Or so I thought. It took a long time for me to realize it, but he cared very much who heard it. That was exactly why he said it. To be heard.

Over time, I started to become more and more uncomfortable with Dick’s attentions. He wanted to talk about me more than he did the media we’d bonded over. He kept talking about how our (respective) children would grow up together, and would maybe fall in love. (???) He told me that he’d gone to a place I often vacation at — and he’d looked around for tangible traces of me. Long story short, Dick had become pretty creepy.

But, like many women, my first instinct in this situation was to be nice. I wanted to go to him privately and have a polite conversation about all this. And, to his credit, he seemed truly and honestly repentant. Until he did it again. It became a pattern of me trying to establish boundaries and Dick stomping all over them. Finally, despite feeling guilty, I told him he was really upsetting me and I wanted him to leave me alone for a while.

This is when the second creepy pattern emerged. The compliment trap. When I told him to stop contacting me, he didn’t…technically. He didn’t talk to me. He talked about me. He publicly talked about what a great person I was. How smart. How kind. How forgiving. He said it to my friends. He said it to people I respected. And he tagged me.

Now, this looked nice on the outside. He was just complimenting a woman he respects! How nice! But on my side of things, it felt like a trap. All of my friends were waiting for me to acknowledge these compliments. The situation left me with three choices: thank him (in a demure, polite way befitting a modest woman, ofc) and be forced to interact with a man I’d told to leave me alone,  ignore him and look like a stuck up bitch, or say publicly that he’s a creep — which would make me look like I was “hysterical”. (See: rape culture, women “overreacting”, punishing men who “just want to be nice”, etc.)

Left with this choice, I chose option #1. I chose option #1 a bunch of times. Because this would become a pattern. I’d tell him to stop contacting me, he’d do this public complimenting game, I’d feel like I had to interact with him — and worse, I’d question my own feelings of fear. I’d say “Well, look how nice he’s being. Maybe he’s just awkward. He clearly likes me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe I really was overreacting.” And I’d talk to him again. Until he’d ask me for my address for a Christmas card or something.

And I didn’t realize for a really long time that he wasn’t being nice! This behavior! It was not nice! It was deeply emotionally manipulative! He’d put this horrible emotional onus on me to forgive and forgive and forgive, steadily gaslighting me into forgetting how scared I’d been until I blamed myself for being so quick to react… and let him back into my life. Because this was all public. All our “fighting” happened in private. All those times I begged him to just ease up a little were privy to only the two of us. All our friends, all my support system, only saw a nice boy with a crush praising a girl he liked and her refusing to give him the time of day.

Guess what happened when I finally put my foot down and stopped engaging when he did this? Oh boy. Oh boy. He started sending me literally dozens of messages a day, sometimes over a hundred. Have you ever had a person sending you @s on tumblr and twitter, private messages on tumblr and twitter, public and private messages on Facebook, emails, LJ messages, IMs on two different clients, and forum messages? Every single goddamn day? Dozens of times? Have you ever had a guy start showing interest in something you know he never liked before — just so he can “coincidentally” run into you on every community you’ve ever joined?

Honestly, I was so stressed. In tears all the time. My school work was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to tell him to stop, to avoid him, etc., he just kept going. I told him that we were done. No more forgiveness. I wanted absolutely zero contact — and I wanted him to never mention me on social media again. I didn’t want him to @ me. I didn’t want him to say my name. I didn’t want him to make thinly veiled sad posts about me. Zero contact. If he did that, I wouldn’t block him on every single platform and tell everyone we knew.

Yeah, I was dumb. I still wanted to be nice and polite. He’d been my friend, y’know? I didn’t want to ruin his life. I just wanted him to stop ruining mine. Even then, I didn’t understand how manipulative he’d been. I still believed he was just kind of awkward, and that I was probably the dick for being unable to deal with it. After all, I’d been friends with him, right? I’d encouraged him, right? It’d felt good to have someone like me so much, right?

(Yeah, until it didn’t.)

I almost got out this time, though. He almost made it. Sure, he “accidentally” replied to my posts every few weeks. (Somehow I didn’t put together that even though I’d unfollowed him, he clearly hadn’t unfollowed me. I guess I just thought that he’d kept seeing my posts when our mutual friends replied to them.) I felt pretty good. In fact, I was at a point where I felt almost silly for being upset in the first place. And then our mutual friends started asking me why we weren’t talking as much. He’d liked me so much. We’d had such good conversations. They talked about maybe reconnecting with him. After all, they’d only ever seen him being nice.

And god help me, I said okay. I figured he must have grown! Learned his lesson! Nah, that fucker was back to sending me tons of messages, talking to my friends (who did not know him), inserting himself in conversations I was having with others, making plans for the children I never wanted to have, etc.

I finally blocked him. E v e r y w h e r e. And I felt so fucking relieved that I was actually angry with myself for not doing it earlier. This man had harassed me for years, and I’d been the one to feel guilty over it.

Still private, I contacted our mutual friends and told them very briefly that he’d been harassing me and I was cutting off contact. I asked them to support me. Some people did.

A lot of people didn’t.

They’d only seen his public face. They’d only seen the avalanche of love and compliments. He hadn’t known better!! He just didn’t know how to express his feelings!! Next thing I knew, they were forwarding messages from him to me. Even after I’d blocked the fucker, he was still using compliments and romantic gestures to get to me! Through the people I’d trusted!

I’d finally had enough and was very public about this man who’d harassed me. I told people everything I’d been putting up with. I aired all our dirty laundry that I’d tried so hard to keep politely private. And some people believed me.

But a lot of people didn’t.

(This, coincidentally, is why I don’t answer tumblr asks privately anymore, not unless the person specifically asks me to and they haven’t been creepy at all. I had another guy pull this on me and I found myself in this same position again and all I had was private harassment. So no more of that! Public contact all the way.)

But Sarah, you say, isn’t this an isolated incident? Why are you making this huge tumblr post about one guy? Well, number one, it wasn’t one guy. This happened to me several times before I recognized that this wasn’t one man — this was a pattern of behavior that many men share. Number two, it speaks to wider issues that I’d like to address.

Media pushes this idea that if a girl is mad at you, you just have to work hard to be romantic and win her back. Piss her off? Hold up a boom box outside her window! Romantic, right? No, bruh, you’re lurking outside a girl’s bedroom window when she said she doesn’t be around you. She’s terrified and you’re being a creep. This isn’t gonna win her back. It’s just going to tell her you don’t know how to respect her boundaries.

Women are socialized to be nice even when they’re scared. We’re supposed to ignore the alarm bells in our head because it’s not socially acceptable to pull away. When we are complimented, we are supposed to acknowledge it graciously. When someone likes us, we are supposed to like them back. If we draw strong boundaries and enforce them, we often face strong social consequences. I’m here to tell you that every one of those consequences is worth it to help you feel safe.

Hell, I’ll reiterate it. It’s okay to be a bitch. Don’t sacrifice your mental and emotional well being for someone else’s. Women are supposed to be self-sacrificial, too… but you don’t have to be. A truly good person wouldn’t want you to be.

A PERSON WHO REALLY LIKES AND RESPECTS YOU WILL NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL UNSAFE AROUND THEM. IF THEY’RE OKAY WITH YOU BEING SCARED OF THEM, THIS IS A DEEPLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Compliments are not always kind!! You do not always need to be grateful for them! Even nice compliments, ones that are more “you have beautiful writing” vs “nice tits”, can be utilized to emotionally manipulate you and those around you. If a compliment is making you uncomfortable because of the context in which it’s given, you do not need to even acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you stuck up or a bitch. Compliments are supposed to build you up and make you feel good, y’know? If it’s hurting you, it’s still a shitty compliment and that’s on them.

We’re taught that it’s best to be discreet. Naw, man. Be as public as possible, especially if someone’s giving you weird vibes. Keep things on the public record. Like, don’t be an asshole or anything, don’t publicize private information, but you don’t have to keep your conflict in the dark away from prying eyes. That’s only going to benefit the person hurting you… because there will be no established pattern of behavior. Establish establish establish.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, no one is owed your attentions. It doesn’t matter if they like you. It doesn’t matter if they do nice things for you. It doesn’t matter if there’s social pressure to acknowledge them and/or their efforts. It doesn’t matter if they do every single thing right. If you don’t want to interact with someone, you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter if they just give you vague creep vibes — or if you just plain don’t like them! No one is owed your attentions! Never feel trapped into interacting with people because they make you feel guilty!

(And for that matter, never let someone make you uncomfortable because “they’re just socially awkward”. You can be sympathetic towards someone’s social issues without letting them make you feel unsafe. Believe me, I’ve fallen into this one so many times.)

Anyway, tl;dr? Live bitch is better than dead sweetheart. Don’t fall for the compliment trap. Tell him to fuck off. If friends try to act as intermediary between you and someone you cut out of your life, they’re trash. Tell them to fuck off, too. You have my blessing.

[wannawrite]

This Isn’t Part Of The Plot

Wanna One's Lai Guanlin X Reader TW: violence, emotional abuse Word count: 3430 

Fluff, mild angst • you and ( actor! ) Guanlin are filming a drama series together • fun fact: you two despise each other because of a scandal awhile back but c'mon pretending for the cameras bc you gotta get that cash amirite ;) • eventually...some unexpected things happen hurh hurh biAS BIAS BIAS ALERT WEE WOO I LOVE GUANLIN SO MUCH AND I MIGHT BE MEETING HIM NEXT MONTH HOLY SHIT anyways....thank youuuu for requesting this anon :) I hope you like it, sorry if it isn't what you wanted. Re-request if you want to! Also, we might be closing the request box really soon so do request before then, both admins will be extremely busy with school. Admin N iS woRKING HARD OKAY I PROMISE I WON'T DEPRIVE YOU GUYS OF HER SHE'LL BE OFF HIATUS VERY SOON I PROMISE - admin L _________ You swore that the bottle of nail polish you clamped down on was about to crack from the pressure, your force displayed by your whitening knuckles. The anger that bubbled within you threatened to spill, you didn't imagine your temper would explode through the roof at this time but it just seemed like a ticking time bomb. "Y/N! Y/N! Are you okay? Calm down," your manager - more like a best friend-, Nayoung said, running her hands through your hair in an attempt to soothe you. You two were very close, you had known her since your trainee days and she too felt your anger and frustration. "Listen, I'm not exactly happy about working with Guanlin and his manager either. Especially after all the trouble they caused us last year, it's very shocking CEO would insist on this. Please, for all our sakes, try to control your emotions on set. After that, I'll let you rant all you want." Nayoung massaged your shoulders and slowly plucked the nail polish out of your hands. The whole day, you had been sitting on in the dressing room ( refusing to leave in fear of bumping into Guanlin ) to be pampered in preparation for filming. Your lines were engrained in your head and every action was carefully calculated, whether you would be able to execute them with your fellow lead was another matter altogether. Lai Guanlin. You despised him. Well, you wouldn't have if he had kept his mouth shut and hadn't blabbered bullshit about you. Partially, it was your fault because you responded in a harsh manner but all the trouble and drama he had stirred up for you was worth it. What happened? 

So, one fine day while Guanlin was carrying out a Livestream interview and you were out there minding your own business, breathing your own air. When asked the question "Guanlin, which rising star would you choose to collaborate with?", he replied with "Definitely Lin Zhaoxi of WannaWrite Entertainment." Your fellow actress in the same company who had debuted at roughly the same time. The damned interviewer posed another question... or exclamation rather "Not with Y/N? Y/N is becoming quite popular lately." Guanlin laughed and shook his head. "I'm sorry but please don't... associate? me with that kind of level acting. Y/N is good but she's just getting by with her pretty face. I can't say I support her fully." There was an outcry. For days, tabloids and entertainment platforms reported about this. Reporters and paparazzi swarmed both Cube Entertainment and WannaWrite Entertainment, pestering for statements from you or Guanlin. Honestly, it wasn't a big deal but since both of you were pictured together leaving a casting building, the world assumed you were on good terms and even dating. Me, with that imbecile! How could they! It was a random coincidence that the two of you exited at the same time but the pictures were taken and the rest was history. A few days later, acting on impulse and your hurricane of emotions you tweeted out. officiaY/N @laiguanlin01 thanks for the compliment. Weren't you only cast for your previous lead role because of your face too? You don't have much to say (icantbemeantohimimsorry) Of course, CEO L had hacked your Twitter and deleted the tweet and their publicist had tried her best to cover it but it was too late, the damage had been done. You thought it was sure to end there but surprisingly, Guanlin responded. laiguanlin01 @officialY/N wow petty much? Maybe if you paid this much attention to practicing you'd be better and wouldn't have to rely on your looks or popular friends. Grow up. You were furious beyond words but manager Nayoung banned you from the internet, afraid of your negative response. It was embarrassing, to say the least. However, time continues and that drama was left behind, you wanted to burn and bury it. You just never expected to be cast in for lead roles with Guanlin and even though you knew your management could withdraw you, they kept pushing you to do take the role. The alliance with Cube and WannaWrite had to form and prosper. Truthfully, you would do almost anything to repay your company. "Y/N? Are you ready? We must start shooting soon...." You snapped back to your senses at manager Nayoung's words. Sighing, you nodded reluctantly and prepared to step on set. Be professional. Be professional. Control yourself, Y/N. Show Guanlin what you are made of. Shakily, you stood up, mentally preparing for the moment. Yes, there were a few intimate scenes and you hoped that at least, he was a good kisser. Just think about the paycheck in your bank account. All is well. ... "Okay! Good! We got it! Cut!" You had never wanted to hear those words more than now. At first, Guanlin had greeted you with a simple 'hello' and the two of you did not interact during breaks, only speaking when absolutely necessary or when delivering lines. The scene of hugging ended, you quickly jumped apart and retreated to your stylist. You felt your face grow hot and palms sweat profusely. It was absolutely maddening to act romantic with someone whom you hated so much but, Guanlin was handsome and you would be lying if you said his looks hadn't attracted you. If only his rotten personality didn't ruin it, you thought bitterly, the makeup brush flicking across your cheek. You knew Guanlin wasn't a terrible person, he just had the wrong words and the wrong time, yet, you couldn't exactly see the best in him either. It was a checkmate. "You two did great! Anyone would believe it was a real romance!" The director praised, jumping up from his seat and excitedly hugging some members of the production crew. In the background, Guanlin smiled but shook his head. His gaze bore into your own and while his remained quite warm and friendly, yours narrowed and burned. He put his hands up in mock surrender which almost elicited a laugh out of you but you spun away and faced the other stylist before he could read your expression. Ugh! Get it together, Y/N! Do not let Lai Guanlin affect you. "Y/N! Y/N! To celebrate the start of shooting, the director wants to treat everyone for dinner! You have to be there," Manager Nayoung informed in a hushed tone, taking your hands in hers. You let out a whine. I'm already an actress as my full-time job, how much more will I have to act like I can tolerate Lai Guan Lin! Nayoung sighed, she shot a sympathetic smile at you and petted the top of your head. "Don't worry, I can handle it if things get out of hand but please, just maintain this a little longer so we both keep our jobs." You cracked a smile at her lame joke and nodded although it was reluctant. But a part of you was curious, interested to find out what Lai Guanlin was really like. ... Thankfully, the dinner wasn't as awkward as you thought it would be. Guanlin kept to his crew and you to yours. Occasionally, the sides engaged in meaningless small talk. Guanlin even asked about your day and how his acting was. "Um, you d-did well. Good job, you worked hard," you improvised or rather, provided a textbook answer but Guanlin seemed pretty satisfied with your reply. He sent his adorable gummy smile your way and you nearly fainted right there and then. Guanlin was charming. However, some asshole had to bring up that huge scandal that happened. You panicked, looking across at Guanlin. He cleared his throat, sensing your discomfort. "Ahh, that. That was a very long time ago, I was being childish and immature about it. I acted rashly, I'm sorry Y/N, I never got a chance to apologise personally. I'm sorry," he piped, an upset look slipped onto his face. "I-it's fine. I was...rude to you as well. I apologise, let's put this behind us," you croaked, reaching for your glass of water. His sudden apology had you flustered. Wow, his acting had improved so much. I'm impressed, anyone would have bought that. Apology my ass. There was a pregnant pause before the entire table burst in applause and cheers. You turned beet red, bowing slightly to the crew members. "Yah! Make up properly, go and hug each other." A voice rang out and still, you had no clue who it was. You hesitated.... But Guanlin didn't. He stood up from his seat and waltzed over to your own. Forcing a smile on your face, you wrapped your arms around his muscular shoulders and pulled him close. He was a good hugger, he radiated off warmth and security. Bonus! Guanlin smelled like he stepped out of the Dior perfume section. Heavenly. Finally, he pulled away, a tiny bit to your dismay but before he returned to his seat, you pressed a quick peck to his cheek, making the 'apology' all the more believable. Manager Nayoung's excited squeals could be heard above all the noise. You smirked at Guanlin whose ears had turned red and could only smile shyly, scuffing his expensive leather shoes together. Unknown to you, his heart thudded inhumanely fast, peculiarly pleasant shivers ran down his spine. Not as awkward as you imagined it to be. ... The next few weeks of filming were blissful. Why? On the third day, Guanlin had broken into your dressing room and requested to talk. When all the stylists had left, he apologised profusely for the drama he had initiated. "Didn't we put it behind us on Sunday?" You had asked, puzzled. "I know! But I didn't want you to feel like it was just for the crowd, I'm truly sorry. I hope you believe me," he pleaded, genuinely apologetic. You ended the session with a hug before shooing him off to get ready, assuring him that all the drama was in the past. You knew Guanlin was growing on you and somehow, you didn't want to stop him. You were in a dilemma, your heart and head were telling you two extremes. Amiable Guanlin continued to make an appearance, he always smiled and greeted you whenever both of you bumped into each other and at times, he would venture to find you in case you needed help with running lines. You found yourself hanging out in one of the common rooms with him often, practicing scenes or even hanging out as...friends. You talked about how your day had been, about your friends and about each other's interests in general. It became very clear that at the end of two weeks, you were falling for Guanlin. You were joyful. But all good things must come to an end. ... The cold stung your cheeks, causing them to redden. You shuddered uncontrollably, legs shaking like jelly and teeth chattering. The night was still young according to your director despite it being 9 pm and pitch darkness should the production crew not have brought spotlights. It was ridiculous. Despite all these factors, the show must go on. You continued to deliver your best. It also helped that Guanlin kept your heart in a fuzzy mess by telling you all his lame jokes and stories in between takes. Your heart was warmed by his sweet laughter, it sounded like music to your ears. "Okay! Wonderful! It's a wrap for today, everyone start packing up!" The shooting site had been tossed into a frenzy, the crew was so frantic to keep the equipment no one noticed you and Guanlin slipping away from your dressing tents. You couldn't stop the giggles from the adrenaline rush, sneaking away from your manager and staffs was a huge thing for you, plus it made you feel like you were actually living a normal teenager life. "Hey, I heard there's a really nice milk tea shop nearby. Want any?" Guanlin suggested, he pouted when he saw hesitation flicker across your face. "C'mon! It'll be fine, we'll be back before anyone notices. Besides, I got one of the staffs to cover for us. It's okay, live a little, Y/N." Sighing, you agreed. Guanlin smiled and grabbed your hand, causing just about a billion sparks to light up. It felt like there was an entire zoo in your stomach. He didn't seem to realise you two were walking hand in hand towards the shop. The street was pretty deserted as this was a housing estate and it was late at night, no one would have caught both of you in this promising position. "Do... you want me to wait outside while you order? You know, shops have cameras and... confusion will arise if we step in hand in hand," Guanlin muttered, a sense of discontent in his voice. You let go of his hand just as the shop came into view. Before you entered, you sent him a shaky smile, gesturing for him to pull up his black face mask to hide his identity better. You adjusted your own baseball cap to fit tighter. It was useless. You had to force yourself not to gasp, not to hold your breath when you saw who the worker was. Your ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend you broke up with before your debut because you caught him cheating on you with another girl. The ex who had tormented you emotionally, who haunted your nightmares with his malicious words. The one who always told you that you were never good enough for him, that your acting was never going to take your anywhere. It took all your willpower to not burst out crying or run out of the store. You tried your best to avoid his slimy gaze. "Y/N?" Too late. "It's you, isn't it! Awww, the big time actress! I guess I was wrong, your acting did get you places. Do you have a boyfriend now? Let's get back together." How dare he!  Your anger was slowly but surely building up inside. Your mouth ran dry, no words could be said. "Ahh, speechless? I know right! Yah, remember all the good times you had together? Don't you miss them?" He taunted. "You mean the times you left me hanging? Stood me up on dates? Insulted me in front of all your friends? Told me you loved and cherished me but made out with Jasmine an hour later? Yeah, I sure do miss those times!" You yelled, infuriated by his words. "Don't try and act that you didn't know I was hurt, you told me to wait for you while you went out clubbing with like twenty different girls! I've had enough of your games." "Yah! So you think now that you have scored a job or two you can come and accuse me of such ways! Do you know how much I sacrificed for you? I did all I could, I was the best boyfriend!" He leaned over the counter and set a hand on your shoulder. It made cold shivers travel all over your body, goose bumps appearing. His touch wasn't comforting like Guanlin's, it was cold and controlling. You hated it. "Get your hands off me! You have no right to say anything to me!" You managed to shrug him off and turned to leave but he grabbed your wrist at the last moment and tugged harshly. You tripped, he shoved your shoulder hard and you fell to the ground with a thud. "You bitch!" He sneered. Crack! The sound resonated throughout the entire store. A red handprint visible on your cheek which you cradled, jaw open in shock. The tears that you tried so hard to hold back now flowed freely. The door burst open. "Y/N! You hit her! How could you!" It was Guanlin. Honestly, you didn't want a fight to start because of this. You had enough. You wanted nothing more than to return home. Guanlin raised his fist to punch your ex-boyfriend but you caught his arm and whimpered, pleading with him not to. Your ex-was in shock, but he recovered quickly. "Yah! Who do you think you are? She's my girlfriend, I can do whatever to her." ( no you fcking can't please get this mindset out it's fcking wrong and I hate it ) Guanlin really wasn't having it. He shoved your ex-boyfriend harshly in the chest. "That's wrong. Y/N is a person, not an object. You can't play with her like that. You're sick, I'm calling security on you. We're leaving." But before he could, the ex kicked him in the stomach. It was like he expected Guanlin to be affected by that. Guanlin just chuckled, sinisterly. "You don't mess with people like that." He didn't stall, he punched the other guy in the nose, blood started to flow. Then, he focussed his attention on you. When it was clear you were too traumatised to even stand, he scooped you up and stormed out of the shop. ... "I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so so sorry," Guanlin apologised. "Hell, my sorries can't even fix this. It was all my fault, Y/N. I should have never suggested this. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He looked like he was about to cry as well. "That was my ex....he may have said many horrid things to me but never once did he hit me...." That caused Guanlin to tighten his grip on you. "I'm so sorry, I-I really should have never made you leave...." His perfect face had tears running down. "It's-it's o-okay. You didn't know anything, it is not your fault. Don't be like this," you stammered, your own emotions were in a mess. "If I didn't suggest it, you wouldn't have been hurt! It's all my fault!" He shrieked in panic. "It's my fault you got hit!" "It isn't! It really isn't!" You insisted. "What are we going to do about all the rumours though?" "Y/N! Priorities! You just got injured because of me, we need to get you to the hospital!" The sense of urgency rising in his tone. "Yah, Guanlin-ah. I'm okay. I'm stronger than that. But the whole world will think we're dating after this incident, what will we do?" Guanlin shrugged, he blinked back tears. "Well, I won't deny rumours that I want to be true." What? "...no way. You? Want to date? Me?" "Y/N, this isn't the time to be talking-" "Yes! Yes! I will date you!" "No, we need to get you to the hospital. I'm sorry you got hit, I will make sure that never happens again. Let me call security." You waited for his call with the security to end. "They're going to catch him. Y/N, it's all my fault. I'm so so so sorry-" You cut him off by pressing your lips to his. They were plush and velvety, he had kissable lips. At first, he was frozen in shock but after awhile, he began to kiss back with passion. When you broke apart, there was a dazed look in his eyes. "Woah...." The tips of his ears turned red, his face grew hot. "Y/N, I caused you so much misery. Why would you like me? I hate myself for this. Why can't you hate me too? Life would be so much easier," he said, almost absent-mindedly. "Because I like you," you blurted out. "Let's date." "But-" "Guanlin, you care too much. My ex was an asshole, to you too. Yes, he hit me. Yes, no one should abuse anyone, which is why we reported him anyway. Yes, it may take time for me to recover but I hope you can wait for me. I'm sorry I'm a mess," you confessed, blushing. Guanlin's eyes grew as large as saucers. "No! No! Don't apologise. And...if it's you, I'll wait for you. I want to help you recover. I want to be there for you. It must be tough to deal with this." You beamed, tears nearly flowing again. Thank you." "It's what any potential lover would do. Let me know when you're ready for a relationship again, we'll take it as slow as you need it to be. I hate to rush things anyway," he admitted and really, you couldn't ask for anyone more perfect. The walk back was silent after that but really, you communicated in other ways without using words. Guanlin was wonderful, who had scripted this part of the story? It was almost too good to be true. guys, abusive relationships shouldn't be romanticised. It's horrible and mentally tormenting. Please don't go through with one. Leave it immediately. I feel like I kind of romanticised it a bit here and I hate it so much. Please give me feedback and I will gladly take this down if it's too much. Abuse is never okay or something to be taken lightly. If this offends anyone, it will be removed immediately. This was hard for me to write and I truly apologise if is triggering. Let me know, I will take it down.