#it's difficult to imagine her not around. we grew up together. i got her as a kitten when i was 4. i don't wanna think about that anymore..

[mayonakano-archive]

hm.

[dduane]

...So once again it's the time of year when I return to this piece of digital art (or its earlier versions), tweak it a little in the attempt to get closer to what I see in my head, and repost it for Pride. (ETA, 3 June 2024: image tweaked a little bit more via late-night re-render because the upholstery wasn't rendering correctly, and as a result the kitty sort of vanished. Which would not be at all her style...)

At the moment I'm looking at These Two Idiots (for so they are) and considering with the usual bemusement how long I've been working with them. Of all the characters I've worked with in print, the only ones I've known longer would be the crew of NCC-1701—and very shortly now, for the first time as paid writing, a couple of gentlemen named Holmes and Watson.

I first "met" these guys in late 1970 in the form of the fellow college students on whom they'd be based: a couple of gents (not gay, as it happens) who were friends to me when I needed some. They were a tall dark guy and a short blond one with a mustache that came and went... so that, not even knowing the word "trope" at the time, I fell headfirst into one.

Less than a year after I met them, I changed educational tracks and schools, and we all drifted apart. But something about them stuck. The nature and depth of their friendship was unusual. So was one way it manifested itself: in ruthless snark that had no meanness or cruelty about it whatsoever—just affection.

In the late sixties I'd begun writing some very derivative fic strongly influenced by Tolkien. Rather to my surprise, though, as I started nursing school in 1971, the nature of that fiction started to change, and began rearranging itself around two characters who had a friendship like those of my college friends. With them as its core, a rather different kind of medieval-ish fantasy world started knitting itself together from various scraps of themes and imagery lying around in the back of my brain.

Even so early in the construction phases of this world, something the characters quickly made plain to me in the writing was that their relationships with one another were not what mainstream 1970s culture would consider conventional. They were gay... but that was a background issue,* and not at all the most important thing in their lives. They had far more important business to deal with—as became clear as their personalities and priorities started filling themselves out in the foreground.

One of them turned out to be the deliberate, analytical, methodical son of a provincial nobleman, all too aware of the expectations of those around him: that he might well eventually wind up running that province himself. Yet at the same time he also became aware that he had other problems, chief among them the discovery of a nascent power that would kill him young if he couldn't master it. And in the last thousand years, no one of his gender ever had.

The other presented himself more and more clearly as a difficult case: someone who wanted very much to be good at the family business, but wasn't... and knew it. Kind of a screw-up, repeatedly doing the wrong things for what he was sure were the right reasons. Yet, no matter how often he screwed up, he was also the kind of person who keeps picking himself up and trying again, because he's been told over and over that that's what people like him have to do: otherwise they're no use to anybody.

Imagine my shock when I realized that these two men—initially canonically enemies in their adolescence, then best friends as they grew, and eventually much more—were the (incomplete) answer to the question I'd once asked my Mom at the end of the bedtime reading of some fairy tale or other: "Why can't a prince rescue another prince?" Because one of them got himself more than once into situations where he really needed one kind or another of rescuing. The other one obliged him, while once or twice getting rescued himself. Those interlocking patterns started to solidify out of concept and into character detail and plot, while their world grew and proliferated into its own detail around them.

Then, without warning, in 1978 both world and characters decided they were ready to get real. I was abruptly dragged gasping and flailing under the surface of a novel that would begin the tale of what those two characters had yet to become. The period it took to produce that first draft was possibly the most interesting six weeks of my life... and that includes the six weeks during which I first scrubbed in on brain surgery. Day and night, for days at a time, I barely even existed except as something for a novel to come out of. When it was done with me, it just as abruptly dumped me back into my life and wandered away, leaving me staring around, blinking and wondering if anybody’d got the number of that truck. Nothing like it has ever happened to me since, which may be just as well. I’m none too sure that these days I could handle the strain.

The book—which sold a couple of weeks after it landed on its first publisher's desk—kicked off my career as novelist and screenwriter, and in its way proved that the world was at least somewhat ready for epic fantasy in which the basic culture was pansexual, polyamorous, and inclusive in ways that hadn't been attempted before.

So I owe them a debt, those two gentlemen up there: the tall dark curly-haired guy with the amateur strategist's mind, the blacksmith's shoulders, and the peculiar sword, his background thought always nibbling away at the question of how to heal the world's wounds: and the short fair gent who if he could would stay at home, live quietly in town, and work in the local library... except for when saving the world (or his found family) requires him to subsume his being into that of his ancestral demigod. Due to the success of the book in which they made their debut, these two became, in their way, the fairy† godfathers of the Young Wizards—and additionally enabled all that Star Trek fanfic I'd started writing a decade before to proceed to its logical conclusion.

More to the point, though, a lot of people in the 1980s and '90s who'd never seen queer representation in a fantasy novel, found it first, or at last, while following Herewiss and Freelorn down their road. It's been my pleasure to hold that space for new readers, and keep adding to it... because (if you ask me) it's needed more now than ever.

So, to the readership of the Middle Kingdoms works—now pushing half a century old—and everybody else who's celebrating the season: happy Pride!

*Not least because everybody else in their world is (at least potentially) some shade of queer, including God.

†(snicker)

[my-mt-heart]

Where's Daryl?

This was very difficult to write. It opened up a lot of old wounds for me, so if you read this, thank you. If my thoughts on this show haven’t been your cup of tea, that’ll most definitely be the case here as well, so maybe just move along. ***Trigger warning for discussion of childhood abuse***

For about a year and a half, Caryl fans asked Where's Carol? as a pointed reminder that the spinoff was always meant to be hers just as much as it was Daryl’s. Even though she's back now, her fans didn't always know she would be (nor did the EP's 🙄) so her absence during filming and promotion of the first season was a heavy burden to bear. The irony is, though “Daryl Dixon” sticks out like a sore thumb in that ridiculous font, he's the one who feels absent sometimes, as if important parts of his character development were lost when he washed ashore while other parts come and go as the plot demands.

Zabel talks about swapping Daryl's iconic vest for "old man" suspenders as a matter of pragmaticism i.e. they were the only clean clothes available. Norman says it was a choice he wanted for some unclear reason, but neither of them seem to consider the intelligence of their audience, particularly Carylers, to see it more symbolically. The costume change is our visual reminder that Daryl isn't himself. In some scenes he's chattier than he should be, far more trusting of strangers with personal details, and far more theatrical. Then in others, the differences are even more alarming. He calls a child cruel names, puts his hands on him, and feels conflicted about returning home to his family, to the woman he said he loved.

I mentally prepared myself for retcons, but the one I'm struggling with a lot right now, which I haven't seen anyone bring up yet, is the retcon of Daryl’s childhood abuse. Daryl tells Isabelle that he and Merle had to take apart engines and if they couldn't put them back together, their dad wouldn't let them have dinner. It's a milder version of the stories the scars on his back tell us, though I can buy Daryl omitting the worst of it like he did in the pilot. What I can't buy is Daryl saying his dad was "hardly ever" around and emphasizing it as the main source of his pain growing up. It feels contradictory for one thing. When we see Daryl's scars for the first time in S3 of the flagship show, it's implied Daryl was trapped in an environment that enabled his dad to physically hurt him often. Presumably that's why Merle felt guilty about leaving him behind. The revelation also seems like it's only intended to highlight the consequences of an absent father figure, explaining Daryl's fear of not making it home, but also justifying his "close" bond with Laurent. The best stories allow a character's emotions to drive the plot, but this just does the opposite, twisting Daryl's backstory to fit the current narrative.

Daryl's backstory made so many people root for him in the first place. It allowed Carol to see him when nobody else in the group could. It helped me process my own childhood trauma. The ways I got to watch him overcome his violent past gave me hope that masculinity could mean more than what I grew up around—more than anger, shouting, and swinging fists. Daryl taught me that men could still be tender, kind, and loving even if those closest to them in their childhood never showed them how. I imagine Daryl's representation has been important to boys and men too, specifically to those who were afraid to speak up about their abuse because of the stigma around it. The implications of this scene may not be easily noticeable to some, but they are to me, and I'm deeply offended by it.

I’ve talked at length on this blog about how it takes a village to make or break a show, though it’s usually the showrunner who has to answer for it. I've already mentioned that I do blame Zabel. His knowledge of French history has no value when he obviously didn’t bother to study Daryl’s history aside from reading old scripts and (maybe) watching the first couple seasons. That's incredibly irresponsible and terrifying for S2. I also blame AMC for their short-sightedness and their determination to save face no matter how much it costs them. I blame Gimple for his pettiness. I blame Greg Nicotero for his insensitivity to Melissa and her fans.

As for Norman, he's hinted very loudly that he wants credit for the show being "different," so in theory he should be prepared to take some of the blame too. I can't name all of the decisions he specifically made, but no matter what they were, I can blame him for not speaking up about the shipbaiting, Daryl's wavering loyalty, and the childhood abuse retcon, all things that hurt his character and hurt the fans. I genuinely don't know what else to think other than Norman didn't give either the consideration they deserve. The show has been treated like nothing more than a vanity project, and it’s unfortunate when you think about what he and AMC had to gain from the original Caryl spinoff.

I love the version of Daryl I knew before this whole mess, I love Carol, and I love the relationship between them. I want them to have the story they deserve in S2. At the moment, I don’t know how to reconcile that with the agony I feel over the damages to half of my two favorite characters. If Carol is going to cross the Atlantic ocean to find Daryl, I want him to be the man who threatened to punch holes in all the boats so she couldn’t leave and the man who told her he loved her before—ironically—leaving himself. I need to hear Daryl admit he hasn't been completely honest with the French characters, not because he was afraid of getting too close to them, but because he didn't want to face the pain of potentially living without Carol and TF. I need to hear him say that he can't be Laurent's father, which is okay because the kid has plenty of other family to take care of him. I need to hear him say, out loud, that he could never love another woman romantically because he's already in love with Carol. That's what I need to feel better about this story. That's where my investment is. I feel like Carol is safe in Melissa's hands, but I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on for Daryl. That’s a big problem because their stories are so intertwined. There’s no Daryl without Carol nor Carol without Daryl. If you ruin one of them, you risk ruining both of them, and that’s a possibility I really can’t bear.

[theromanticrationalist]

My Thoughts: Young Sheldon 7x02 A Roulette Wheel and a Piano Playing Dog

Look how cute he is! Cute as a button! 😙 Awwww! Baby! It is so difficult for me to watch Sheldon struggling. Imagine being a fish out of water your entire life where your one socially acceptable trait is your intellect, which surpasses everyone’s, only to be thrown into A WHOLE OTHER COUNTRY, taking the fish metaphor to a whole other level, only to discover THE one quiver in your arsenal is utterly moot.

Damn. My poor baby string bean! But he handled it so well. He pushed through! I am proud of my Shelly! It is the aspect of why YS is better than TBBT because they allow for Sheldon to be a more complex individual and don’t treat him like a child, even though he is literally a child. The show allows circumstances to push against him, to make him stronger, and the narrative isn’t constantly belittling him as if he can’t handle life at all. It is actually quite a big deal that Sheldon was able to keep his mouth shut and humbled himself under an authority in order to learn what he needed to. And he did this by HIS choice! He listened to what those around him where telling him, and chose the wiser path. He didn’t have to be coerced, manipulated, or browbeaten into it, which was often the route TBBT took.

Well, his tutor DID use physical reinforcement, but a wrap on the hand is good for the boy. 😁

Which brings me into my next thought, I don’t think this moving back and forth from Texas and Germany is going to work really well for the storytelling. I want to see how the whole Cooper family is doing, of course, but I am primarily watching this show for Sheldon! I don’t feel like they are able to spend the amount of time necessary to really explore this experience he is having. It feels so rushed. I don’t like it. I want more time to process Sheldon’s life lessons here and how he is feeling about it. It is the same old story! This is literally one of the biggest problems with American media.

They. never. give. enough. time. to. the. story. EVER. !!!!!

🤦‍♀️ Why are you the way that you are, American Media. I hate so much everything that you choose to be.

Anyway, I did love the heart to heart chat between Missy and Georgie this episode! That was so sweet! They are learning what it means to have responsibilities and that growing up requires so much thankless sacrifice. I love the bond that Missy and Georgie have, and I am glad we got to see them process this experience together. And way to go Missy for not only stepping up, growing up, and being so mature and on top of things, but she also is learning about boundaries! Damn girl! 🔥 I know Mary Cooper loves serving her family so I love that aspect about her, but the boys definitely shouldn’t leave all the house stuff to the women folk, as if they have to be served and waited on. Missy is killing it! 💪

Missy and Sheldon, two sides of the same coin! I hope to talk more about that later! 😉 Now it’s time for...

My Favorite Sheldon Cooper Quotes: Sheldon: "And they laughed at me for not knowing something they knew! Who does that?!" Mary: ". . . you do." Sheldon: "This is no time for a teachable moment! Your child is hurting." Mary: "Sorry." *pats him on the arm* "There there." Sheldon: "I guess that'll do. Now how about a hot beverage?" Mary: 😑

Sheldon: “Oh! I see the problem! This is stupid! You can’t just invent dimensions. There is this one, this one, and this one.” Mei-Tung: “You forgot the dimension of time.” Sheldon: . . . Sheldon: *holds out his hand* Mei-Tung: *slaps it with a pencil* Sheldon: “Ow! . . . Thank you." Sheldon Prime: "I wanted to give up and runaway. But I had read enough comic books to know that heroes don't quit. Instead of running I decided to stay and face the biggest challenge I've ever had: keeping my mouth shut. This turned out to be a pivotal moment in my life. By being open to people smarter than me, I grew as both a man and a scientist. Humble. Brilliant. I really am the whole package!"

[pedroscurls]

Always Been You (Part 3).

Character(s): no-outbreak!Joel Miller x fem!Reader, young!Sarah Miller (6 y/o) Summary: As your friendship with Joel grows, he decides that it's time for you to meet Sarah. Word count: 5,090 Author's Note: This chapter was so much to write. In the next few chapters, we will slowly begin to do a time jump (definitely want more of young!joel before moving on). Anyways, as always, please enjoy!🫶 Warning: None. SERIES MASTERLIST

“You know, for someone who’s just her friend, you spend quite a lot of time with her,” Tommy said, his focus on the road as he and Joel began making their way to your coffee shop for their usual pick-me-up in the middle of the day.

It had been a few months since Joel met you and while you had established a very firm boundary with your friendship with him, Joel found it difficult to keep his feelings for you at bay. He spent a lot of his time thinking about you, talking about you, and he was always counting down the next time he was going to see you. 

But Tommy was right. Joel did spend a lot of time with you and whenever he did have any time for himself, he spent it with you. As his friendship with you grew, Joel knew that he wanted you to meet Sarah. Not only because he wanted to finally combine both important relationships in his life, but also because he believed you would be a great female role model to his six-year-old daughter. 

In fact, Sarah already knew all about you. The following morning when Joel came home, Tommy had let it slip that he had spent the night with a mysterious woman, which piqued his little girl’s interest. Ever since then, Sarah asked about you all the time and Joel was always more than willing to share the small moments he got to spend with you. 

“She’s just a friend, Tommy,” Joel replied. 

“So, if I were to ask her–”

“Don’t even think about it,” Joel interrupted. “She ain’t ready to date and even if she was–”

“You’d be the first one in line,” Tommy winked. “I’m just teasin’ you, big brother. She’s good for you, you know? Could be good for Sarah too.”

“You think so?” Joel asked. 

“I mean, Sarah knows all about her and I’m sure you talk about Sarah with her too.”

“I do,” he nodded. “I just– I don’t usually bring around new people for Sarah to meet, you know? She’s my babygirl,” Joel said with a sigh. 

“What are you afraid of?” Tommy asked. “I haven’t seen you this happy in a while and if she’s just your friend… I can only imagine how you’d be if you two were together.” 

“I guess I just don’t want Sarah to get attached. All she’s ever known is you and me.” 

“Well, you know your girl more than I do, Joel. If she meets Sarah, how do you think it’d go?” 

Joel bit his lower lip. It was something he had imagined and dreamt about all the time, especially lately. He yearned to have you over for dinner, to show Sarah where you worked and how good you were at your job, but he also wanted to spend time with you and Sarah together. His fear of you eventually leaving after developing a bond with Sarah scared him though, and while he was sure that you wouldn’t ever leave his side (or Sarah’s), it was still a terrifying thought. For so long, it had only just been him, Sarah, and Tommy. He rarely brought women around her and Tommy was respectful enough to do the same. 

But Joel knew that Sarah was getting older. She was asking more and more questions about the lack of women presence in her life and he didn’t know what to do. It was wrong of him to think that you would be the person to be that for Sarah, but a part of him believed that you would slip into that role willingly. 

“I think it’d be great,” Joel admitted. “I just don’t want her to think I’m bringing her around Sarah so that she can become her mom or somethin’, y’know what I mean?” 

Tommy stopped at a stoplight and glanced over at Joel, arching a brow. “Ain’t nobody thinkin’ that but you.”

“But what if–”

“Joel,” Tommy chuckled. “You have a good judgment on character. If you’re still stickin’ around this woman, it must mean that she’s one helluva person.” 

“I just like bein’ around her,” Joel shrugged. 

“That’s it? Nothin’ else?” Tommy began driving once the light turned green, getting closer to your coffee shop. 

Joel bit his lower lip, looking out the window and seeing your coffee shop get nearer and nearer. He felt an excitement settle in the pit of his stomach and he sat up straighter, his hands fidgeting on his lap. 

“She just makes me feel good, Tommy. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Tommy pulled up to the curb and put the truck in park, glancing over at Joel. “Bet you’re regretting those two times she tried to kiss you, huh?”

Joel rolled his eyes. “She was drunk and I ain’t the type of guy to take advantage like that.”

“Good point,” Tommy nodded. “But I bet you’ve been thinkin’ about it ever since, haven’t you?” 

Joel gently shoved him before he climbed out. “Oh, shut up. Let’s get our coffee.” 

Tommy smiled to himself and watched Joel step inside the cozy coffee shop and when he saw you sitting in the corner with several papers in front of you, he noticed Joel straighten up and run a hand through his hair before stepping up to you. 

“The usual, Joel?” Tommy called out. 

“Yeah, the usual.” 

Tommy walked to the register while Joel walked over to you. When you heard his voice, you looked up and smiled to yourself, standing up to pull him into a hug. 

“You’re always on time,” you smiled. 

Joel always loved when you pulled him into a hug first. He loved the way you curled against him, your cheek resting against his chest and your arms coming to wrap around his midsection. He smiled to himself and wrapped his arms around your waist to return the embrace, letting the seconds pass all too quickly. 

“I don’t like bein’ late,” Joel replied, pulling away from you. 

“I’ve noticed,” you laughed, taking your seat and motioning for him to sit next to you. You watched him take a seat, noticing how he was looking over the papers that were on the table. 

The pain and heartbreak you felt months ago were not as strong as they were now, but you still had your moments, but they weren’t as intense as they were when you first met Joel. You liked to believe that Joel helped you slowly get over your ex-boyfriend, but the feeling he gave you every time you talked to him or spent time with him was something that you tried so hard to ignore. You had told him that you weren’t ready to date or even get into a relationship–and it was true– but having Joel as just a friend when you thought that it could eventually be more, lingered in your mind and occupied your thoughts. 

“You’re always workin’,” he commented.

“Well, I do have a business to run,” you replied, gently nudging him with your shoulder. “You should know this. I know you and Tommy are trying to open up your construction business. Even after working hours, you’re still working.”

“Oh great, somethin’ to look forward to,” he teased, rolling his eyes. 

“How is that going, by the way?” 

Joel shrugged. “It’s hard, but I think we’re makin’ some progress.” He looked up to see Tommy talking with the cashier and she was obviously blushing from whatever Tommy had said. Joel had to chuckle to himself; he and Tommy were complete polar opposites. Tommy liked the attention, enjoyed the thrill of talking to women whereas Joel liked to keep to himself, very careful in who he wanted to talk with or let in to get a glimpse of his life. Even before Sarah, Joel had always been the more serious type. 

“You know, if you ever need any help, I’d be happy to–”

Joel interrupted. “I know, but I think we’ll be okay.”

“Stubborn,” you replied. “You’re stubborn.”

“And you ain’t?” Joel grinned.

You narrowed your eyes up at him, biting your lower lip as the side of your legs were flush against his. You noticed that you were just mere inches from him, but this was normal. To any outsider, you were sure that they would assume you and Joel were together, but you had established that you weren’t ready and that you wanted to focus solely on yourself. 

“I’m not,” you said.

“Liar,” he winked. 

“You’re calling me stubborn and a liar?” you said with a gasp, looking deeply into Joel’s deep brown eyes. “You do know that I am the owner of this coffee shop…”

“You gonna kick me out?” Joel teased, leaning closer to you. 

“Don’t tempt me,” you giggled. 

Joel chuckled and bit his lower lip, using his free hand to rub at the back of his neck. “I have somethin’ to ask you and don’t feel obligated to say yes or anythin’, but…”

You tilted your head, furrowing a brow. “What is it?” 

“Would you like to meet Sarah? It’s just–”

Your eyes widened and Joel felt the nerves settle when he saw you grin with excitement. “What? Of course. I would love to meet your little girl, Joel!” 

“Wait, really?” 

“Yes,” you smiled. “Why are you so surprised?” 

Joel shrugged, letting a quiet sigh of relief as he smiled over in your direction. “I don’t know. Guess I just got used to the women I meet not usually being comfortable with the idea of me being a young father and–”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh please. I thought we established that you were attracting the wrong kind of people.”

“Fair point,” he chuckled. “So, you would be okay with it?”

“I’d be honored, Joel. It’s obvious she’s important to you and you seem like a great dad and if you want me to meet her, well, that must mean I’m pretty special,” you winked, only teasing just a bit, but you knew that meeting Sarah was a big deal. Not only to him, but to you as well. 

“Well, you are,” Joel smiled. “Special, I mean. You’re special.” 

“You flirting with me?” you blushed. 

“That depends,” he chuckled. “You gonna flirt back?” 

Just as you were going to respond, Tommy approached the table and set down both cups of coffee, deciding to sit across from you. 

“Hey,” Tommy smiled. 

“Hi, Tommy. How’s the coffee?” you replied with a smile, turning your attention away from Joel and towards the younger Miller brother. 

“The best as always,” he winked. 

Joel let out a sigh to himself. It was just his luck that the timing was never on his side because whenever you both were so close to crossing that line, something (or someone) would break you both out of that trance. 

“Thanks, Tommy,” Joel said, taking his cup of coffee and lifting it to his lips. “Yeah, the absolute best.”

“At this rate, I should probably make two new drinks and name it after the both of you.”

Tommy smiled. “That would be awesome! Would you really do that?” 

You nodded. “How about one of these weekends, you both come on by and we can perfect the recipe?” Then, you looked over at Joel and smiled. “I’m sure Sarah would love to come too. We can make some cookies.”

Joel smiled in your direction. You hadn’t even met Sarah yet and here you were, already including her in plans. It made his heart swell and the warm feeling settled in the pit of his stomach (like always whenever he was around you). 

“I think she’d love that, darlin’.” 

Tommy sipped at his coffee, staring between the both of you with a knowing grin. “You know, tonight’s taco night. You should come by for dinner.” 

Your eyebrows shot up and then you looked over at Joel. “Oh, I do love tacos…”

Joel bit the inside of his cheek. “Tommy…” 

“What? Ain’t no harm in inviting her to dinner.”

Joel shook his head. “You don’t have to–”

“I’d love to come to dinner, Joel.” You interrupted, reaching out to rest a hand on his forearm.

Joel looked down at your hand, the feeling of your fingertips on his skin left an electrifying feeling that radiated throughout his entire body. “If you’re fine with the last minute dinner plan and if you ain’t doin’ anythin’ tonight, we’d love to have you over.” 

“Then I’ll be there.” 

Tommy grinned. “Great, let’s say seven?” 

“Seven’s perfect. Should I bring anything?”

“Just yourself,” Joel answered. 

You smiled and nodded. “Then, I’ll see you both and Sarah,” you said with a wink in Joel’s direction. “Tonight.” 

Tommy and Joel stood from the table and you followed, leaning over to give Tommy a one-armed hug before you turned your attention to Joel to wrap both of your arms around him. Joel immediately held you with both of his arms, feeling extremely excited and extremely nervous about tonight.

“I’ll see you tonight, darlin’.” 

You pulled away and nodded up at him. “I’ll see you both then. Bye, Tommy. Make sure this one doesn’t work too hard.”

Tommy smiled, playfully saluting in your direction. “Yes, ma’am.” 

Both Joel and Tommy turned on their heels, leaving the coffee shop to walk back towards their truck. Once outside, Joel gently punched Tommy’s arm, shaking his head.

“What?” he said, running a hand over his arm. “I was just tryin’ to help.”

“I had it under control,” Joel grumbled.

“You know, a thank you would be nice…”

Joel narrowed his eyes. “Thanks, Tommy.” 

“Anything for you, big brother.” 

—

“So, she’s really coming, daddy?” Sarah said, standing on her toes to watch Joel cook the meat on the stovetop. 

Joel looked down at her and smiled, picking her up and letting her rest on his hip while his free hand stirred the meat on the pan so that it would continue to brown. “She is, babygirl.” 

Sarah grinned, resting her cheek on Joel’s shoulder as she snuggled closer to him. “Do you think she’ll like me?” 

“I think she’ll love ya, honey.” 

“Should I go draw her a picture?” Sarah smiled, her eyes lighting up with excitement. 

“You know,” Joel smiled, turning his head to place a soft kiss on the crown of Sarah’s head. “I think that’s a great idea, babygirl, but can you go wash up before you do that?”

She pouted. “But why?” 

“Because,” he chuckled. “Daddy said so and because you’re a bit stinky.”

Sarah widened her eyes and gasped, looking down at herself before she wrapped her arms around Joel’s neck, giving him kisses. “Then that means you’re stinky too!” 

Joel chuckled, turning the stove off and gently tickling Sarah’s side, hearing her laughter and giggles filter the kitchen. “You’re sneaky.” 

Sarah giggled, trying to push away from her father’s tickles. Joel smiled to himself, giving her a gentle kiss before he set her down on her feet. “Go and get ready, babygirl. I still gotta finish dinner.” 

“Okay,” Sarah sighed. “If I must.” 

“Are you sure you’re six?” Joel teased.

“Almost seven!” Sarah smiled, walking out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom. 

Joel smiled to himself; while he wasn’t planning to be a father at such a young age, he wouldn’t trade it for the world. He loved being a dad, especially to Sarah. She had the better parts of him and he loved watching her accomplish all the big milestones: taking her first step, saying her first words, bringing her to school for the first time… She was growing faster than he liked, but she had always been a daddy’s little girl. They were always attached to the hip and there was a part of him that was afraid of how the dynamic would eventually change when Joel decided that he wanted to settle down. 

But then his mind drifted to you. He knew that it would come easy, slowly bringing you further into his life and having you meet Sarah would be the first step. 

Once Joel finished cooking and setting the table, he received a phone call from Tommy, letting him know that he wasn’t going to make it. He knew what his younger brother was doing, but he was too excited and nervous (at the same time) to question it. 

“All finished, Sarah?” Joel called out, walking towards Sarah’s bedroom. He stepped inside to see her curly hair completely wet and droplets of water dripping on the carpet floor. 

“All finished, daddy.” She was sitting at her small desk with a crayon in hand as she looked completely focused on the drawing. 

“Your hair, babygirl,” Joel said. He grabbed the towel that she threw on her bed and walked over to stand behind her, gently drying her hair. “You’re making your floor all wet.”

“Sorry, daddy,” Sarah said, flashing him a small grin. “I’m just too excited. Wanna see what I’m making for her?” 

“Yeah, let’s take a look.” Joel said, looking over Sarah’s shoulder. 

She looked up at him and held up the piece of a paper with a proud look on her face. Sarah had drawn a picture of you holding a cup of coffee. “I’m not finished yet, but do you like it?”

Joel smiled. “That looks amazing, baby.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “She’s gonna love it.” 

Sarah smiled, looking up at him with a sense of accomplishment. “Okay, you need to go and get ready,” she giggled. “Because you’re stinky.”

Joel chuckled, poking her side which resulted in a fit of giggles. “I’m stinky because of you.” He stood back up and looked down at her, watching Sarah go back to drawing and coloring. “I’ll be quick, babygirl.” 

“Okay, daddy. I’ll be here.” 

—

You were on your way to Joel’s house for the first time. You were nervous to meet Sarah, hoping that she would like you. Joel always talked about her and you knew how important she was to him; you wanted to make a good impression. It was obvious that Joel didn’t usually bring new people around Sarah and the fact that he wanted you to meet her meant a lot. 

Joel meant a lot to you. 

You weren’t sure how you had gotten through these last few months without him. He empowered you, always reminding you that you didn’t need Robert, that you deserved better, that a better person would come along when you were ready. The attraction and the possibility of what could be always lingered whenever you both spent time with each other. 

Joel had the ability to make you smile or laugh whenever you were having a bad day; he knew exactly what to do when you needed a pick-me-up, someone to hold you when you cried, and someone to listen to you when you voiced your insecurities. Joel was always there, like he said he would be after the night you met. 

Thinking about Robert still pained you, still brought a wave of emotions that left you a crying mess, but Joel was always there to pick up the pieces. 

Joel was always there to wipe your tears away and pull you into his arms. 

It had been the safest you felt in a very long time. 

About twenty minutes later, you climbed out of the cab and looked up at Joel’s house. It was on a culdesac, the driveway being occupied by his truck. The grass on his lawn was green and looked as if it had just been mowed, but as you stepped closer to the door, you felt the nerves settle within you. You had brought about two dozen homemade cookies and a tub of vanilla ice cream; it was your favorite dessert and you wanted to share it with Sarah. 

Plus, you also didn’t want to go to dinner empty handed. 

Finally bringing yourself up to ring the doorbell, you heard several muffled voices from behind the front door. A few seconds later, Joel opened the door, hair slightly damp, dark navy blue shirt wrinkled but tight around his arms paired with jeans, and he was barefoot. He grinned in your direction before you heard a small girl’s voice and the sound of her footsteps from behind him.

“Daddy! Is that her?” 

You couldn’t help but smile, looking past Joel’s shoulder to see Sarah in all her beauty. She was wearing a light purple t-shirt with a butterfly on it and some shorts, but what made your heart swell was the glimmer in her eyes when she looked at her dad, her thick and bouncy curls, and a smile with dimples. 

“Hey, come on in,” Joel said, helping you inside before calling out over his shoulder. “Yes, babygirl, it’s her. Come here and say hi.” 

Sarah came running towards the both of you, holding a piece of paper in both of her tiny hands. Once Joel shut the door, she looked up at you with a wide grin. 

“It’s you,” she giggled. 

“It’s me. Hi there,” you smiled, kneeling down to get to her eye level. “You must be Sarah.” 

She nodded excitedly and said your name, using her free hand to wrap around Joel’s leg. “Daddy talks a lot about you.”

“Oh, he does, does he?” you smiled, glancing up at Joel who was staring at you with a smile. “He talks a lot about you too.” 

“He does?!” Sarah smiled, looking up at her dad. “That’s nice.” 

You let out a quiet laugh and saw her eyes drift to your plate of cookies and the tub of ice cream. Joel caught on as well and scooped Sarah into his arms, making you stand up. 

“Dinner first, Sarah.”

“But she has cookies… And ice cream,” Sarah said with a pout. 

“It’s my favorite dessert,” you said. “I like to make my own ice cream sandwich.” 

Sarah’s eyes widened and looked between you and Joel. “Can we have dessert first?” 

Joel chuckled, shaking his head. “No, baby. Tacos first then dessert.” 

Sarah sighed and then looked over at you, slowly sticking her hand out. You noticed that she was holding a piece of paper and you gently took it from her, looking down at it with a big smile. 

“I drew you a picture,” she said. “Daddy says you like coffee, like him.”

“This is amazing, Sarah. I think I’m gonna put it up in my coffee shop. Front and center for everyone to see.” 

“Really?” she smiled, hope in her eyes. 

“Oh, of course,” you winked. 

Joel couldn’t help but watch you interact with Sarah; it was so natural, so easy, and didn’t feel forced at all. The same feeling that he had been experiencing whenever he was with you settled in the pit of his stomach once more, causing butterflies to flutter as he bit his lower lip to hold back the big grin that was spreading along his lips. He knew you weren’t ready to get into a relationship, to date, and your focus had been solely on loving yourself again and while Joel supported you in your journey, he couldn’t help but wonder and dream about what this could be when you were ready. 

“You’ve got such a cozy place, Joel,” you said, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

Joel smiled, one arm hooked underneath Sarah as he used his free hand to rest on your lower back, leading you towards the dining room. “Thanks, darlin’. I’ll give you a tour later.” 

“Wow, dinner and a tour? I feel special.”

Joel chuckled. “I thought we established that you already are special.”

You blushed, looking up at him. However, before you could say anything, Sarah interrupted and smiled over at you. “Daddy makes the best tacos.” 

“I love tacos,” you smiled. “So I’m excited.” 

“Can you sit next to me when we eat?” Sarah asked. 

“Of course. I’d be happy to.” 

Sarah grinned and Joel set her down on her feet. She walked over to the dining table and pulled herself up onto a chair, pointing to the one next to her. You glanced over at Joel for a silent permission and he nodded. You handed him the cookies and ice cream, watching him disappear for a moment to put the ice cream in the freezer and the cookies on the counter. 

You sat next to Sarah and looked down at her with a smile, the aroma of food invading your senses and your stomach beginning to growl. Sarah giggled, looking up at you. 

“Your tummy is hungry.” 

“I know,” you pouted playfully. “I got a little monster in there.” 

“Sometimes, I get little monsters too,” she laughed. 

“I’m glad I’m not the only one then,” you winked. “So, your daddy tells me you’re six?” 

“Almost seven,” she corrected.

“Oh, my apologies. Almost seven,” you laughed. “What do you have planned for your birthday?” 

Sarah looked up in thought, her legs dangling from the seat. “I think daddy’s gonna take me to the fair.” 

“That sounds like it’ll be fun,” you smiled. “Play some games, eat some junk food,” you teased. 

“You should come!” 

“Oh–” 

Joel walked back into the dining room, catching the tail end of the conversation as he sat across from you and Sarah. “Sarah,” he began. “She might be busy, baby. It’s okay–”

“I can make time,” you interrupted. 

Sarah grinned excitedly. “Really?”

Joel bit his lower lip. “Darlin’, you don’t–”

“I’d love to go, Joel. Besides, it’s Sarah’s birthday, right? She can decide who she wants to invite,” you winked over at her. 

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “I can decide, daddy.” 

Joel chuckled, raising his hands in the air. “Okay, okay. I’ll let you know the details then, darlin’.”

You smiled, nodding in his direction as you saw Joel begin to serve Sarah’s plate. You watched him carefully, feeling your heart skip a beat at the sight of him. He was such a good dad and now being able to see it firsthand just made the lingering thoughts and feelings you had for him more intense. 

But you still had to keep reminding yourself that you weren’t ready yet, no matter how much you found yourself wanting nothing more than to be with Joel.

“Thank you, daddy,” Sarah grinned, sitting closer to the table to begin eating. 

Joel grabbed your plate, almost like second nature to him, as he began putting the food onto it for you. He had stopped midway to look up at you, finding that you were staring at him.

“Shoot, I’m sorry, darlin’. I’m just so used to–”

You stopped him with a gentle hand on his forearm, looking at him with a small smile. “It’s okay, Joel. I’m usually the one preparing people’s plates for them so this is a nice change of pace.”

Joel bit his lower lip. There were some things you said that he couldn’t believe; how could the people you called friends (and even partners) not treat you like the queen you were? While you both weren’t together, Joel always made sure you were taken care of, making sure to open the doors for you, always considerate of your feelings, and he just had to wonder what type of friends (and men) you were attracting. 

“Well, not here,” Joel said. “You cater to too many people, darlin’. At least let me do that for you,” he smiled. 

“You’re too good to me,” you blushed. “But thank you, Joel. I appreciate it. I appreciate you.” 

He set your plate down in front of you and began preparing his plate. After a few minutes, the three of you began to eat, hearing Sarah’s mumbling of approval that her daddy’s tacos are the best and you couldn’t help but wonder and imagine that this was something you could get used to. 

Halfway into dinner, Tommy walked into the house, making his way towards the dining table. 

“Sorry, I’m late,” Tommy said, sitting next to Joel. 

“Date cut short?” Joel teased. 

Tommy shrugged, rolling his eyes. “I’d rather not talk about it.” Then, he looked up at you, watching as you and Sarah were speaking amongst one another and he glanced at Joel with a knowing grin. He leaned over to him and whispered, “So… Looks like you’ve been havin’ a good time.”

Joel shook his head, gently shoving his brother. “Stop it. Not now.” 

“Want me to take care of Sarah for the rest of the night while you and–”

“Tommy,” he warned, a pink hue coming up across Joel’s cheeks. 

“Okay, okay. Just a friend,” he winked. “Right.”

You looked up at Tommy and smiled in his direction, giving you a nod as he began to eat. 

“Daddy, can we have dessert and sit outside in the backyard?” Sarah asked, her plate completely clean as she was leaning against you, her arm hooked around yours. 

Joel chuckled, looking over at you and back at his daughter. “How about we let Uncle Tommy finish eating and we can all head out there?” 

“Oh,” Sarah said. “I meant… If me and her can go outside while you boys stay in here.” 

You let out a quiet laugh, looking up at Joel for a moment and noticing the surprised look in his eyes. Joel knew how friendly and welcoming his daughter was, but this… Sarah was already fond of you and you had only been here for a little over an hour. 

“You know what,” Joel began. “I think that’ll be okay. Uncle Tommy can help me clean up,” he said, resting a hand on his younger brother’s shoulder to give a firm squeeze. “Ain’t that right, Tommy?” 

Tommy swallowed the contents in his mouth and nodded, looking up at Joel and turning his attention back at Sarah and back at you. “That’s right. You girls go and have fun.” 

“I can always help clean up and–” you began. 

Joel interrupted you immediately. “Nope, we got it, darlin’.”

Sarah hopped off her chair and extended her tiny hand out for you. You bit your lower lip and stood up, taking her hand. “Lead the way, Sarah.” 

Sarah grinned and led you into the kitchen. You grabbed the plate of cookies and the vanilla ice cream as she grabbed a big spoon. Then, she led you towards the backyard, skipping excitedly a few steps in front of you.

Once you and Sarah were outside, Tommy looked over at Joel and let out a laugh. “You’re in trouble, ain’t ya?” 

Joel sighed, running a hand over his face. “I think so.”

—

prev. - next.

[imakemywings]

Why Ship Eärendil/Elwing?

I think there are a lot of good reasons so let’s have a look (｡･∀･)ﾉﾞ

1. They have a lot in common. Both of them went through pretty traumatic events as children that involved being driven from their homes by an attacking force, losing family to that attacking force (Eärendil’s grandfather, Elwing’s parents and her brothers), and ending up refugees. They’re also at this point the only Peredhil in Middle-earth. There are a lot of difficult experiences they share, which allows them to understand each other on a level people without those experiences can’t as well.

2. They grew up together. They grew up in the Havens at Sirion and childhood-friends-to-lovers is a fire trope as far as I’m concerned. It’s very possible they played together as kids and they were there through each other’s awkward adolescent phases and talked each other through other crushes before they finally got together.

3. They obviously care about each other. We don’t see the details of a lot of marriages in The Silmarillion. Many of them are left wholly to the imagination as to how those characters acted around each other, but Eärendil and Elwing are explicitly devoted to each other.

“Eärendil found not Tuor nor Idril, nor came he ever on that journey to the shores of Valinor, defeated by shadows and enchantment. driven by repelling winds, until in longing for Elwing he turned homeward....” (Emphasis added)

Eärendil attempting his first voyage to Valinor is beset by all kinds of dangers, but it’s missing Elwing that finally makes him turn back and call this trip a bust.

“For Ulmo bore up Elwing out of the waves, and he gave her the likeness of a great white bird, and upon her breast there shone as a star the Silmaril, as she flew over the water to seek Eärendil her beloved.” (Emphasis added)

Beloved remains one of the peak terms of endearment, lbr.

“Then Eärendil, first of living Men, landed on the immortal shores...And Eärendil said to [his companions]: ‘Here none but myself shall set foot, lest you fall under the wrath of the Valar. But that peril I will take on myself alone, for the sake of the Two Kindreds.’

But Elwing answered: ‘Then would our paths be sundered for ever; but all thy perils I will take on myself also.’ And she leaped into the white foam and ran towards him...”

Elwing really said “if you’re damned then I will be too.” Here she accepts Eärendil’s fate, just as Eärendil later accepts hers and chooses the Elven path.

“But when all was spoken, Manwë gave judgement, and he said: ‘In this matter the power of doom is given to me. The peril that he ventured for love of the Two Kindreds shall not fall upon Eärendil, nor shall it fall upon Elwing his wife, who entered into peril for love of him...” (Emphasis added)

Even the Valar recognize how much these two care about each other!

“And at times, when Eärendil returning drew near again to Arda, she [Elwing] would fly to meet him, even as she had flown long ago, when she was rescued from the sea. Then the far-sighted among the Elves that dwelt in the Lonely Isle would see her like a white bird, shining, rose-stained in the sunset, as she soared in joy to greet the coming of Vingilot to haven.” (Emphasis added)

After their journey, even in spite of all their grief, they still find joy in one another. Their marriage is still strong even through everything they’ve seen.

4. They saved Middle-earth together. These two did what no one else had managed and sailed back to the Blessed Realm to get help for Middle-earth. Clearly, power couple moves.

”Yet Eärendil saw now no hope left in the lands of Middle-earth, and he turned again in despair and came not home, but sought back once more to Valinor with Elwing at his side.”

Friendly remind this journey is supposed to be impossible, but they are determined to do it because they know Middle-earth cannot survive without the intercession of the Valar.

“Few of the Teleri were willing to go forth to war, for they remembered the slaying at the Swanhaven, and the rape of their ships; but they hearkened to Elwing...and they sent mariners enough to sail the ships that bore the hose of Valinor east over the sea.”

But for Elwing, the Teleri would not have engaged in the war effort at all; she alone convinced them to help.

“But Eärendil came, shining with white flame, and about Vingilot were gathered all the great birds of heaven and Thorondor was their captain, and there was battle in the air all day and through a dark night of doubt. But before the rising of the sun Eärendil slew Ancalagon the Black, the mightiest of the dragon-host, and cast him down from the sky...”

From start to finish Eärendil and Elwing have been committed to saving Middle-earth from Melkor’s menace and boy do they see it through.

5. Eärendil chooses immortality to stay with Elwing. In a mirror of Beren and Lúthien’s story, Eärendil surrenders a mortal fate to stay joined with Elwing.

“Then Eärendil said to Elwing: ‘Choose thou, for now I am weary of the world.’ And Elwing chose to be judged among the Firstborn Children of Ilúvatar, because of Lúthien; and for her sake Eärendil chose alike...”

Eärendil both trusts Elwing to make this choice for both of them and makes the same choice as her even though it isn’t his first preference.

6. Eärendil named his boat, which becomes the immortal vessel in which he sails through the skies, after Elwing. Can we say romance?

7. Elwing gives Eärendil the Silmaril. In general, most people who get their hands on a Silmaril are not keen to give it up. Yet Elwing passes the Silmaril onto Eärendil without a fuss and never again takes possession of it.

8. Their super rad mythological couple energy. Half-Elven couple who braved the sea to voyage to a realm it was supposed to be impossible for them to find to bring back divine help for their home? Last queen of the forest kingdom who in her moment of greatest despair is lifted up by divine forces and transformed? Hero of the last bastion of the Elves in Middle-earth who uses his mariner skills to make an impossible voyage, bearing back a jewel thought lost forever? Former Elven queen who now abides in a white tower on the sea and talks to birds and transforms into a bird herself to fly up to greet the return of her husband? Immortal captain of a flying ship that slew a dragon and now keeps watch over the stars? They are killing it y’all.

Feel free to add on o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

All quotes in this post are from the “Of the Voyage of Eärendil and the War of Wrath” chapter of The Silmarillion!

Convinced? Not convinced? Try these fanfic recs under the cut:

At the Water’s Edge by crackinthecup - G - 3,349 - Eärrámë is nearly ready to sail. Tuor and Idril’s days at the Havens of Sirion are drawing to an end. It is a time of loss and hope for all, and Elwing is no exception.

Elwing, Survivor by crownlessliestheking - T - Elwing and Earendil after arriving in Valinor.

From the Ones Who Came Before by Krita - T - 5,247 - Elwing was young when Menegroth fell. Melian's line is complicated, but far more so is growing into yourself.

A Glimpse of the Harbor by me - G - 1,925 - Elwing watched for the return of Earendil's ship.

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful by mochimilku - T - 1,185 - Eärendil, Elwing, and the ocean.

Let Us Taunt Old Care with a Merry Air / And Sing in the Face of Ill by me - G - 643 - When Elwing lands in the Havens, she befriends a young princeling from Gondolin.

The One With All the Birds by clothono - G - 46,543 - Elwing and Nerdanel in Valinor in the Fourth Age; a story about children coming home.

So Summer Comes by potatoesanddreams - G - 2,654 - Ada said he would be home by autumn equinox. It is winter solstice now.

Untitled by simaethae - G - E-squared family fluff.

[glitterarygetsit]

Goodbye, Fawn

My brilliant friend Fawn (@esterbrook) died on Friday.

Fawn and I met when I was about 24 and she was about 43, and at the time, foolishly, I thought I was the cool one. I very quickly realised that I was wrong, and that Fawn was who I wanted to be when I grew up. 

She was independent, funny, smart, and passionate. If there was anything she didn’t like, she would do something about it—she campaigned for abortion rights and did phone banking for US elections. She was sharp and kind and pragmatic and gave amazing advice.

Fawn loved stories and history—we met on an archaeological training dig in York, and later bonded over fic in the Sherlock fandom—and was forever turning up old letters and pens and other things that she breathed new life into. She found a pen at a flea market and tracked down its original owner; she chronicled a WWII romance from a box of photographs (https://www.tumblr.com/a-certain-party-i-love).

For the past twenty years, Fawn kept a diary that will now be donated to a women’s history library. I hope one day someone devotes as much care to her memory as she did to other people’s.

I find it hard to think of many people who are leaving as big a legacy as Fawn. Her activism, writing (also wrote the first book on surviving at work when you have depression), and (towards the end of her life) participation in a clinical trial have helped so many people directly, and will continue to reverberate. 

And she’s still not done: even before she was diagnosed with ALS, she arranged to donate her body to forensic science (and wrote about it here: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/28/well/live/my-afterlife-on-the-body-farm.html).

I’m so lucky to have been able to make wonderful memories with Fawn. We went on a road trip in Northumberland and laughed at all the dicks in Chesters Roman fort with her friend Martin, who I would eventually move to Berlin with; she visited us there and baked a derby pie full of bourbon for Friendsgiving. We went to Brittany and got emotional about the Neolithic standing stones at Carnac. We walked all over London and she showed me spots I didn’t even know about despite living there for three years.

In May, I got to visit her in her beloved San Francisco, where she introduced me to tamales, giant redwoods, and her cat Cosmo, successor of Rupert, the fluffiest and most handsome gentleman who accompanied her for most of her last ten years. 

We went over and under the Golden Gate bridge, drank many cups of coffee, roamed around the Castro and Haight-Ashbury, waved across the Pacific, browsed bookshops and made sourdough and did laundry and talked until late into the night.

She was diagnosed with ALS less than a year and a half ago, which was the cruellest fucking thing not only because she deserved so much more time on this earth, but because it made talking, eating and living independently—all things she adored—so much more difficult and eventually impossible. She chose to take advantage of California’s aid in dying law and leave on her own terms, because nobody was ever the boss of Fawn, not even death.

Fawn, I miss you already. I always imagined we would one day be old ladies cackling at dirty jokes together, and it’s a crying shame that the world has been robbed of the wicked glint in your eye at least thirty years too early. You changed my life for the better in so many ways, and I still want to be you when I grow up. I love you. Sleep well.

[cosmic-glow]

Notes: Invited to spend Halloween night (Samhain) with Bard, he didn't expect it would end with a declaration.

Warnings: Bard x fem!reader; reader gets along well with children; mention of burning; SFW.

It was Samhain day, if it weren't for Bard's invitation you would be in your house eating all the good things your salary allowed you to buy, which wasn't much. But luckily for you, you were now together with the children trying to cut the pumpkins to make lanterns, the task being more difficult than you imagined and making everyone laugh. You were too focused on trying to draw a smile on the pumpkin to notice Bard looking at you with a discreet smile on his face. The children adored you, and the feeling was reciprocal because even if they weren't your children you would die for them. You knew that life in Lake City wasn't easy, every day you woke up early to work and got home late at night, but even so you were kind to the children, never taking away their hopes of having a better life one day. And with each passing day, Bard's admiration for you grew.

- Okay, everyone finished? On three, everyone shows how it turned out... 1..2..3!

At the same time, the children who were sitting in a circle around you turned the pumpkins with you and the room was filled with laughter once again when they saw the result of the lanterns. Some had missing teeth, one eye bigger than the other and crooked smiles, it was a disaster and that's why they were perfect. When they managed to recover from the laughing fit, you turned to Bard, your cheeks still red from laughing so much.

- Can you get us some candles, Bard? We have to put up these lanterns to ward off the spirits before nightfall - you joked placing your pumpkin in front of your face, a crooked smile and cross-eyed eyes staring back at him.

- I think you outdid yourselves this year, this will be the most protected house in the city during the night of Samhain - he laughed - I'll be right back with the candles.

As promised, Bard didn't take long to return with the candles and handed one each and you a matchbox. You promptly placed the candle at the bottom of the pumpkin and lit the match to light the candle, teaching the children, but when you held the match at an angle in the small space to light the wick, the flame grew and burned the tip of your finger. The response was automatic, pulling your hand away and letting out an "Ouch!" before extinguishing the match. Hearing, Bard turned and walked over to you when he saw what had happened.

- Are you fine? Let me see - he carefully took your hand and checked the burn - Luckily it's nothing serious, wash it with water and bandage it, help her Sigrid, I'll turn on the flashlights - he smiled to calm you down.

When the lanterns were lit and placed in the windows and you had already wrapped your finger in a piece of cloth, you went with the girls to the kitchen to finish preparing the Samhain feast, with sweet breads, cakes and other treats. Bain wasn't there because he's a disaster in the kitchen. Taking advantage of the privacy of being alone with his father in the living room, Bain broached the subject.

- You like her, right?

- Who? - Bard asked, suddenly caught.

- Her, dad - the boy pointed discreetly to the kitchen - I noticed how you look at her.

- Y/n? No, the only woman I've ever loved was your mother and you know it - he sat back in his chair to get away from the subject.

- It's okay if you like her, dad. She's cool, Sigrid and Tilda like her too... And if she makes you happy you have to tell her soon, it's not like you're the only suitor.

- What? - Bard frowned.

But before his son could say anything else, Tilda entered the room to call them to dinner. You thanked, ate and laughed amid conversations, Bain's advice not leaving the archer's head throughout dinner. After they were done and everything was cleaned and put away, you helped Bard put the children to sleep by telling them stories. When they fell asleep and you turned out the candles in the room, the two of you left. The silence seemed thicker, which found you strange, the atmosphere between you didn't used to be like this. You absentmindedly looked out the window.

- The sky is beautiful today... You can see all the stars.

- Do you want to go out to see better?

- I’d love to - you smiled.

The wind outside was cold, the night was calm and silent, the clear dark sky filled with stars like thousands of fireflies, the sound of crickets in the distance. You sat on the steps of the house stairs and Bard sat next to you. He remained silent for a while, thinking about how to tell what was weighing on his mind. It was true that you were the only one in the city that Bard considered a true friend, that he felt comfortable around and could forget about his problems for a moment when you smiled. Deep down he knew he liked you, but he felt guilty about it, he shouldn't fall in love again, he had already gotten married and he had sworn to himself that he would never get married again after he lost his wife, he couldn't handle feeling the pain again. Besides, now he had children to raise, what woman would have a relationship with a man who is already the father of three children? But you didn't seem to care about any of that, you took care of the children and always helped him, they loved you and now he did too. The man called your name breaking you out of your trance.

- There's something I need to tell you.

- You can talk, Bard.

- I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for the children, for our friendship, it's good to have someone to trust.

- I think I was the one who should be saying that, inviting me to spend the night with you and the children, helping me when I needed it most, I'm happy that you consider me so much - you smiled.

- I don't know how to say this, but - he adjusted his posture, nervously - the children like you so much and so do I that I would like to know if you don't want to... stay with us forever? - you blinked your eyes at him.

- Like what...?

- I would love for you to be my wife, Y/n - he found the courage to say - I understand if you don't want to, if you think it's too much responsibility because of the children or - you silenced him by sealing your lips with a kiss that surprised him , but he soon reciprocated, the desire warming you both on that cold night.

- You don't know how many times I dreamed about this - you smiled at him.

Bard also smiled, after all, since you met, your smile always made him feel better.

Sorry for any typos;

Buy me a coffee?

October Calendar;

Masterlist

[anon-drabble]

wake up

whoops, got bit by that inspiration bug again.

some good old seven angst because why not lol. similar to the reset theory but also inspired by a few other sources that talk about multiple universes.

ao3 | ko-fi | twitter | masterpost

When will she wake up?

Once more, Saeyoung reset the app. One more time. Surely, she’d remember. This time, she would. 

He’d been repeating that with every reset. Every time the data was erased, he said those words to himself. Every time, he wished. But so far, she remained unaware. Maybe someday she would remember everything and remember him. But maybe she wouldn’t. That didn’t matter, though. He’d promised her that he would never stop trying. And she promised that she would remember him. It had been so long ago now, he almost forgot how she looked that day. 

Everything had gone wrong. Mint Eye had won, Rika had finally managed to get her wish. For everyone to be happy. But it wasn’t real. It was all through her elixir and that wasn’t true happiness. 

Saeyoung was in the prison with you. You two were the only ones left of the RFA. Unknown (who you now knew was Saeran, Saeyoung’s long-lost twin) had taken great joy in prolonging the torture Saeyoung was made to endure. At first, V had been there and had tried to save you and the rest of the RFA. But he’d been too late. In an ironic twist of fate, he simply hadn’t seen the signs in time. He was dead now. You and Saeyoung had witnessed it, watched the blood pool as his body went limp, as it slowly turned ashen. The floor of your cell was still stained with V’s blood. Saeyoung was kept in a separate cell beside yours. His stone floor was also stained but it was mostly his own blood now. Among other things. But he hadn’t been broken yet. Neither had you. You wondered if perhaps Rika and Saeran were going easy on you for some reason. After all, you had watched as one by one, each of the RFA members were taken and they slowly lost their minds. Became just another of Rika’s drones. Some of them took longer than others but eventually, they had all succumbed. At first, everyone had worked together to come up with plans for escape. But as their minds cracked, it grew more and more difficult. Saeyoung now was the only one left except for you. 

“I think tonight’s the night,” he murmured. You imagined him in his cell, on the floor, hunched over in pain from Saeran’s most recent attack. You were unhurt but Saeyoung was nursing at least a few broken bones, more bruises and cuts than you could count. You had no idea how he was even still alive. Whenever you saw him being dragged out of his cell, he had dried blood everywhere, his hair matted in clumps from it. 

You pulled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. “Did he say something?” 

“No. But I saw the room set up for another ‘recruit’. I think it’s your turn.” 

That meant you wouldn’t be coming back this time. They’d turn you, just as they had all the others. You knew it was coming. Rika spoke of you often, boasting about how she’d use you. She had already used you once, leading you to that apartment. That was when you had met the RFA. You had no idea at the time that it was her apartment. But it had all been a trap, meant to lure the RFA to Mint Eye, back to Rika’s embrace. 

“What should I do?” you whispered in the darkness. 

“There’s nothing you can do. Not this time,” Saeyoung replied. 

“‘This time’?” you echoed. 

“I think… I think I have an idea. It won’t stop anything in this world. I think it’s too late for us. But this might not be our only existence. I think I can save us next time.” You heard him shuffle over. His hand reached through his bars towards your cell. One of his fingernails had been ripped off. You clasped his hand as well as you could from your cell. 

“Then we don’t have to say goodbye.” You weren’t entirely sure if you believed in other universes but he was trying to give you hope. And probably to give himself hope as well. That was in short supply these days. 

“Right,” he said. You imagined him smiling a little. You squeezed his hand and heard him wince but he squeezed yours in return, reassuring you. “This time… I couldn’t save you. But I won’t fail you ever again.” 

“You didn’t fail me,” you started to say, but he interrupted. 

“I found a way to save us. Not our physical bodies but ‘us’. Our psyche, personality, spirit, whatever you want to call it. I can save those so that next time…” 

“We can win?” 

“Right. We can stop this. We can…save everyone. And we can be together…” He trailed off. 

“How?” you asked. 

“They left me my phone. I think they meant it to hurt me more, to make me remember how I’d messed everything up. But I made something. A program. If there are other worlds out there, it can transfer us. And we can stop this.” He sounded almost excited now. Despite everything, you smiled. He was always happiest when he was working on something outrageous. Even now, at the end, he still had that side of wonder to him. 

“What do I do?” 

He hesitated. “Nothing. Once your mind here is gone, it will transfer to another you somewhere else.” 

“What about you?” You dreaded hearing his answer. 

“It will be the same. Once I’m…gone, I’ll transfer. I can save you then.” 

“There’s something you’re not telling me.” You could hear it in his voice. 

Again, he hesitated. “You might not…remember everything. I tried to save everything but there are some holes that I can’t fix.” 

“I won’t remember you? I don’t want that. I don’t want to forget you, Saeyoung!” you cried. 

“Try to remember. At the end. Just think of me, okay? It will help me bring more of you over. Just think about me.” 

You wiped a tear from your cheek. “I’ll remember you. I promise,” you said. 

“And I’ll bring you back. All of you. And we’ll be safe.” 

“Together,” you said. 

“Together,” he answered. 

It wasn’t until later that night that some cultists came to collect you. You were dragged from your cell. Saeyoung was at his bars, watching you. You could see him crying. You were crying, too. “I promise. I’ll remember,” you said again as you were ushered from the prison. You thought of him as they poured the elixir down your throat. You remembered his laugh. His cosplay. His self-hatred. You thought of how much you loved him. Even as the elixir was forced into your mouth, dribbling out the corners, you thought of Saeyoung. You thought of the times you’d had with him, short though they had been. You thought of his voice. His hand. His hair. His glasses. You thought about him. You thought…

The familiar screen and code flashed on his screen. Sometimes, it felt like she did remember. She said all the right things, she didn’t fall victim to Mint Eye’s traps. Sometimes she still loved him. But it wasn’t all of her. She never remembered their other lives. He almost didn’t want her to. He didn’t want her to know how he had been unable to save her, how he had been forced to watch her be carried away. At least she would never know what she had been made to do to him afterwards. That would remain locked in his own mind. But wouldn’t it be better for her if she didn’t wake up? If she didn’t have to experience those days again, even as a distant memory? But he had promised her. 

And she had promised him. And someday, that life she had promised was waiting for them. Where they would be safe and together. Even as the reset code scrolled by, he longed for that day more than anything. He wasn’t exactly the same him that he had been. This Saeyoung had never been tortured by his brother, not really. But the memories were as strong as though they had happened. He wasn’t the same him and she hadn’t yet been the same her but once she woke up, then they could be. They would be themselves again fully. 

Because Saeyoung could never truly be himself when he didn’t love you.

[aalissy]

Just Friends

Eep sorry this chapter is soo late!! I was superrr busy today. Anywho, I hope you like this chapter! Not sure if I’ve ever written post-reveal pre-relationsip for Ladrien before but boy oh boy it sure was fun hehehe.

AO3

It was official.

Adrien Agreste was melting. Honestly, it was a wonder that it had happened before. Especially now that he knew that the two people that he had completely and utterly fallen for were one and the same.

Marinette was Ladybug and honestly finding that out had been the happiest day of his life. Nothing would ever... could ever compare.

It had been an accident at the time. He had dove into the locker room and mere seconds later had transformed back into Adrien. Giving Plagg his cheese to give him time to recuperate after the akuma attack, he was about to duck out when someone else crashed into the room.

Ladybug’s wide eyes greeted him mere seconds before pink light enveloped her. Adrien didn’t even have time to think about closing his eyes before she detransformed into Marinette.

His heart was racing as he gaped at her. Because wow. Suddenly everything made so much more sense now. Why he had gotten tingles for the brief second Marinette had kissed him at the Grévin Museum. Why he always wanted to be near her. Why his heart pounded whenever she giggled or laughed or even smiled at something he said.

How had it taken him so long to notice?

Whilst Adrien was still experiencing the high of euphoria, though, he noticed that Marinette’s breaths were coming shorter and shorter. She was panicked. Completely and utterly terrified. He had to say something. Had to reassure her that everything was going to be alright.

Clearing his throat, he took a cautious step toward her. “Marinette, are you okay?”

She shook her head, clenching her eyes tightly shut. Adrien took another step towards her, noticing Tikki glancing between the two nervously. Slowly, he reached out, touching her hand softly. When she didn’t pull back, he took it and gave a quick squeeze. 

“It’s going to be alright, Marinette. We’ll get through this... together. Just like we always have. You and me against the world, remember?” 

Her eyes slowly peered open, confusion swirling in them. He simply grinned at her until recognition mixed with uncertainty in her expression. “Ch-Chat?”

Intertwining their fingers, his grin got even larger. “Hey, bugaboo.”

In the next second, Adrien got an armful of Marinette as she threw herself at him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her head in his shoulder. This must be what heaven was like because he couldn’t imagine anything sweeter. Closing his eyes, he hugged her back, inhaling the wonderful aroma of vanilla and strawberries.

Adrien could have stayed just like that. With Marinette cuddled tightly to his chest and his nose buried in the scent of her hair, he could have stayed there for an eternity.  

The sound of the bell was a brutal reminder of why they even had the opportunity of revealing their identities. It was time for class which unfortunately meant he’d have to part from her arms.

Reluctantly, he pulled back, already mourning the feel of her warm arms around him. Marinette’s eyes simply sparkled as she grinned up at him. 

“Later,” she murmured. “We’ll talk later.”

Talk later they did. In fact, it was difficult to get them to stop talking now. They grew even closer because of the reveal, sending each other secret looks and smiles during class. 

Some days Adrien snuck over to her house as Chat Noir and other days Marinette snuck over as Ladybug. 

They were at his house at the moment. They were stretched out across his white sofa. His head was in Ladybug’s lap as something played on TV. He wasn’t paying attention though. The only thing Adrien was listening for were her soft breaths and chuckles at the show. Every so often, she’d swipe a hand over his hair causing his eyes to flutter shut.

He loved her. Every single giggle set his heart aflutter. He was practically bursting at the seams to tell her. To declare just how overjoyed he was about the fact that he had fallen in love with her twice.  

But Adrien couldn’t... not anymore. Not now that it had the potential to ruin any closeness that they had garnered. 

No. They were just friends. And that’s all they’d ever be.

Honestly, though, that’s all he needed. Ladybug was amazing and he’d rather have her in his life than not at all. 

Adrien couldn’t stop himself from shuddering at the thought. Yep. Friendship was just fine for him. Besides, he already knew that she was in love with someone else. 

A thought caused a furrow to form between his brows. He peered up at Ladybug some of the curiosity fading as he saw her bright smile. It wasn’t enough to keep him from asking the question though. “Is the guy you’re in love with and Buttercup the same person?”

Adrien watched as Ladybug slowly tensed. Her shoulders stiffened as she glanced down at him. Her blue eyes were wide, filled with... fear? Just as soon as he saw the emotion, though, she flicked her gaze away. “Where did that thought come from?” She chuckled almost nervously, waving a gloved hand in the air.

He shrugged, shifting slightly in her lap as he tried to push down the bitterness. It was almost definitely the same person.

“Just curious is all.”

“Oh, um well...,” Ladybug trailed off before looking back down at him. Her eyes were soft. Softer than he had ever seen them before. “Yes, yes, he is,” she whispered.

There was something loving about her tone and this time Adrien couldn’t clamp down on the wave of jealousy. Her declaration had been beautiful. Whoever it was was so lucky, and he didn’t even know. 

Adrien crossed his arms, scoffing quietly. This time it was Ladybug’s turn to frown and how was it possible for her to do that and still look so adorable? That little wrinkle in her mask was so cute. It was hard for him to remain jealous.

“I-Is something wrong, Adrien?” she asked, sounding worried again.

Immediately, he blinked, shaking his head. He couldn’t let her feel bad! Not for his own sour feelings.

“No, not at all! I was just thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” Ladybug murmured, brushing some of his hair away from his face.

Don’t do it! Don’t do it!

Adrien’s thoughts begged him to stop but he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out, “I just think it’s kind of stupid.”

Her lips parted and she looked astounded and a little bit hurt. Quickly, he rushed to clarify, “I-I mean because of how oblivious this guy is! Obviously not because of you. You’re amazing. I’m just mad that he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings!”

The hurt left Ladybug’s face, leaving traces of what seemed to be amusement glimmering in her sapphire eyes. But why was she amused?

“I’m not so sure he even knows.” She giggled softly.

Adrien frowned. Surely Ladybug should’ve been upset by this notion but instead, it seemed like her amusement simply grew. A hint of mischief teased across her smile as it grew.

Either way, he sat up, gesturing wildly as he scoffed again. “Well, then that’s even more ridiculous! If it were me you lo—”

He clamped his mouth shut. Ladybug’s eyes had widened to the point of saucers. He was sure his own mirrored hers. What had he been thinking? Now he was going to get rejected again.

And what if—now that she knew—she left? What if she decided that she was done with their meet-ups and silly talks and glances at school and left him? Adrien bit down sharply on the tip of his tongue, ignoring the pain. He was doomed. All because he couldn’t keep his jealousy to himself.

“Y-you’d what?” she whispered, her voice sounding choked.

He clenched his eyes shut. How could he fix this? Chuckling nervously, he scratched the back of his neck as he tried to brush off his slip-up. “Can’t we just forget it? I shouldn’t have even brought it up in the first place.”

“Adrien.” The word sounded so important—so vastly important that he simply had to turn his head to hers, connecting their gazes. Ladybug’s eyes were so intense that he found himself holding his breath. “P-please... what would you do?”

He was drawn to her. To the hope in her voice and the something that was flickering across her face. Slowly, ever so slowly, he scooted closer to her. He had to try.

“I’d... I’d,” Adrien trailed off, biting his lip as worry overwhelmed him. He glanced down as nerves churned in his stomach. What if he was wrong and the hope was actually panic? Before he could spiral any further, though, a hand gently rested on top of his. 

Blinking back up at her, he saw the soft, sweet smile on Ladybug’s lips. She nodded her head as if to say it was okay and that was all the reassurance he needed. 

“I’d tell you that when I first heard that beautiful confession to Buttercup at the end of our trip to the movies I was suddenly struck by two different emotions. Awe and envy.”

Ladybug tilted her head in confusion. “Envy?”

He nodded, his heart pounding. “It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, Ladybug. And, at the time, I was confused by the sudden pain in my chest I got just from knowing that confession was for someone else.”

She gasped. “Even then?”

“Even then.”

All at once, he was wrapped around Ladybug as she threw herself at him. Her lips found his in a desperate kiss. It took a great deal of effort, but Adrien had to know the truth. 

Just barely managing to pull himself away from her, his eyes flicked between hers, searching for any sign that she was lying to him. “A-are you serious? Buttercup’s me?” 

“Always has been.” A wobbly smile was on her face as she sniffled.

Adrien felt dizzy, struck by the fact that he was the idiot the whole time. Even still, that didn’t stop him from being the one to surge forward this time as he connected their lips once more. 

How could he ever have been content with just being friends? Ladybug’s lips were sweeter than he had ever dreamed them to be. He could spend the rest of his life kissing her. And, suddenly, he fully planned on doing that. Was marriage too soon to propose while they were still in school?

He’d ask her later. Right now, he was too busy nibbling on the bottom of her lip as she moved even closer to him. There’d be time for serious discussions later. Right now, Adrien just wanted to kiss his future wife.

[rollercoasterwords]

rae what is it like being a twin?

i don't really know how to answer this question bc

1 - every twin has a v different experience (like, i know twins whose experience of being a twin is. completely different from mine)

2 - i've never not had a twin, so like. usually when people ask me this my answer is just "idk what's it like not being a twin"

like. i cannot imagine what it's like to not have a twin; honestly to me the idea of growing up without one seems very lonely and sad. obviously my experience is personal to me, but i think a lot of twins can probably relate to this--it's hard to overstate how intrinsic your twin becomes to your identity. like i was a twin before i was a human, yknow? when i was like....a zygote implanting in the uterine lining or whatever i was already a twin, and my literal body and dna and everything developed in conjunction with my twin, and then from the moment we were born we grew around each other and just. fundamentally shaped each other's identities. i think one of the first things i was ever aware of about myself was that i was a twin.

and again this will obviously be different for different people--my twin and i are fraternal, so we look pretty different (although still related), and we also had wildly different personalities as children, so some things about growing up together were great--having a built-in best friend as a child, always having someone to play with, etc. but when you're twins it's pretty impossible to not feel the pressure of comparison, because once people know you're twins their like...first instinct is to try and find the similarities and differences between you. and because my twin and i had lots of very pronounced differences it became difficult as kids not to define our identities around that comparison in terms of who's "more" or "less" (i'm more [adjective] then her, she's more [adjective] than me). i think my sister and i were both compared to each other in ways that sort of gave us complexes once we got a bit older (if you were the "better" twin there was a pressure to maintain that, to always be/do better; if you were the "worse" twin there was intense insecurity about [thing] because you were constantly seeing someone who was better than you), and then we had to spend our adolescence working through the aftermath of always being "the _____ twin" [ <- insert adjective].

fortunately as adults we've mostly managed to work through all that and become people who are comfortable + happy in our own individual identities, although it's impossible to ever entirely break away from each other as a point of reference. but now we're each other's best friend + my twin is the person in the world who i'm closest to, who knows pretty much everything about me while i know pretty much everything about her, and there's really nobody who i'm more comfortable or at home with. and we have been living on separate continents for almost two years but she is FINALLY coming to visit me this (!!!!!!) weekend and i could not be more excited <3

[minniepetals]

I didnt know there was a new chapter so i immediately read it AAAHHHHH

I want more 😭 i have a lot of questions and i need answers 🥲 what will happen if bangtan knew about yoongi's past... what happened to mc? how long will it take for her to heal??? and im freaking out because yoongi and mc are kinda similar... very secretive people and been through a lot of trauma :((( its nice that she trusted him and yoongi made sure he wont break that trust 😭 i lowkey want bangtan to make an effort to find out what happened to mc so they can understand her more but yeah they have a point... i cant wait for the next chapter because where is this leading??? I need more 🥲

Anyway, thank you for the update! I really love cmar and I'm so happy you're back and updating it again! Thank you so much! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

-🌺

thank you so much bub!! regarding the questions: the boys will surely come around to knowing since they kinda know yoongi's somehow associated with the vipers (in some way shape or form) and there's a low chance they'll react badly. our girl went through a series of physical torture so it'll take some time for her to heal. there will be a brief description of what happens to her body when she wakes up and sees herself -- i didn't go too into details with it though. also yes! yoongi and y/n are very similar to one another. i think it'd be really cool if i wrote a scene where yoongi does gets angry and for y/n because out of all the boys, he's a composed man who doesn't get easily triggered so..just imagine it oop-. he's a good man overall, and even back in chapter one when their relationship was falling apart, yoongi didn't actively engage in verbally tormenting y/n, though his absence and silence most definitely had hurt her a lot.

of the boys, there are three quiet men who prefers their silence, all of them having chosen to be that way mostly due to how they were raised as children. these boys are yoongi, taehyung, and jungkook. perhaps i'll elaborate it further in the series itself but basically:

with yoongi, there's already a bit of context with him. he grew up being silenced and invisible so he's used to be quiet for the most part. he's a sincere man but does have a difficult time expressing his emotions (he's good at showing his lovers that he cares for them though, yoongi's kinda like a word of affirmation type of guy, ironically) -- emotions like the flawed part of being a human: anger, upset, sadness, etc.

we got a little bit of taehyung during the london arc. he's a hacker so he's mostly holed up in his lab and prefers not to socialize with the human population, so he's the type to be silent and observant rather than joining in the crowd and conversing. he's not someone who will feel the need to fill up the silence of a room and for the most part when he's with y/n (back when they were still together), they were always comfortable in their silence together. the two of them kinda just knows what's on the other's mind without having to say a thing

as with jungkook, there's not much around him just yet but if you look back at the flashback with the boys' pov (chapter 16), there was something jin said to namjoon during one of their disputes, saying "jungkook has gone completely silent" and that indicated a bit of his relationship with y/n, it being the fact that he was more open and talkative when y/n was around. you'll come to see in future chapters that y/n and jungkook relied on each other a lot back in the days. he loved her mostly through actions but always tried his best to speak up and change for the better for her, and when y/n left their life, it took some time to have jungkook coming back from being so silent.

there's only been one chapter to sum up the feelings of the boys and how the divorce of namjoon and y/n affected them but all in all, it most definitely hurt them in more than one way.

sorry i went on a whole rant omg, this is too long, but maybe you enjoyed reading a bit of context around three particular boys 😭

[whiskeyswifty]

ok yeah re: your tags this is what i figured and i wonder if people keep phrasing it like that On Purpose to pretend midnights isn't a flop or just cause swifties think very strictly in terms of Album Eras (ha). but at the same time i kind of wasn't sure cause i still can't seem to grasp exactly How hard tickets were to get and How expensive they are cause like my brain kind of finds it hard to believe that THAT many people payed THAT much when they weren't fans ? but a good concert is a good concert haha i guess i just don't have the Concert Goer mindset

lmaoooooo i can't imagine midnights has that many diehard fans that they would bother with that kind of retconning. i'd venture to say that that person just didn't really understand how we got here. i just made a little sub-post with this article that details a lot of it really well if you want to be certain that i'm not just talking out my ass lol.

i know it sounds crazy when you look at before and afters like that, but I think you're forgetting that in the lead up to the tour, she had been feeding the content beast for YEARS while subsequently withholding a tour. for good reasons i mean we had a pandemic, but she kept the content faucet going. not just any old content though, content that did several crucial things.

1. folklore/evermore DRASTICALLY broadened her fanbase. everyone on here i'm sure can tell you how they had friends or family who had never cared much for taylor before, but folklore/evermore was a HUGE success, ESPECIALLY among the 30+ crowd at the time. it was incredibly mature, both in it's subject matter but also in it's soundscape and genre, and so she collected that new group of new fans whom she had never been able to reach before. (there are also many twitter threads of these new fans exploring her back catalog for the first time and so i mean there's a spike right there to her old work)

2. the re-releases of both fearless and red reignited the fervor for those albums in fans that might not have been into her more recent stuff. maybe they aged out or they just didn't care for the newer pop-oriented fare, who knows. either way, it turned her into something extremely powerful which is a NOSTALGIA artist, at least in the eyes of these fans turned casual listeners. nostalgia is a powerful drug, so she collected these reanimated fans as well, and then created an ENTIRE tour around that nostalgia.

3. in general, i'm sure you've seen articles and news stories about how concerts are difficult to get tickets to in general post-pandemic, which is not exclusive to her. she has several outside factors but that general fact is true across all the tours we've seen post 2021. people were cooped up in their houses, separated from all the communal aspects of life, even if they didn't like those aspects. going to big public events have become commodities in and of themselves because of the hunger we had for it that we had to bottle for so long, fizzing and building until finally it pops when we enter a stadium again. it's seeing your favorite artist in person, sure, that's part of it, but what's become MORE important post-pandemic is the pilgrimage aspect of assembling with your fellow acolytes and experiencing the euphoria of that communal release. you can take the friendship bracelet phenomenon which is a complete fan invention, born out of this hunger for human connection and interaction among like minded people in a shared space. swifties couldn't WAIT to see other swifties and feel that human community in person for the first time in years. so we can add this factor as well, how by penning us all until we grew ravenous with hunger for human interaction, the pandemic made concert going one of the most gourmet michelin star meals currently available to the human population.

Add this all together, and throw in a new album yes which is in comparison to the other factors a mere bundle of twigs on the now soaring flame. but it counts! it all counts. it's this collective intersection of priming an audience both unintentionally/unwillingly and also verrrry intentionally that caused her ticket demands to be as gargantuan as they were, and still are. it was a genius marketing move, making this tour appealing to every single person who ever liked taylor ever, in combination with her on the upswing in public favor (which we know will have a down swing but we're on the up right now). and it's also subsequently CRAZY to point to midnights as the all encompassing reason for this ladkjakldfjlksdfj. i know the mold is usually to chapterize her life in albums, that's true, but this breaks the mould. even calling this the midnights era is ludicrous. It's the Eras Tour Era if anything, and we will be in it for another YEAR at least. insane to think about.

and as far as having a concert goers mindset, i don't know if i have that either, it takes a lot for me to go to a concert. but on top of ALL of this lead up, she delivers one hell of a show. worth going again if you can, imo.

[knackfandomarchive]

could i ask for some lucas headcanons bc all of the ones you've posted so far are really cute lmao (he is my son)

Oh Bestie, you sweet-talker, you!

Umm... I'm so sorry; I had already talked about most of these before; I don't have much and only have like 15k words of prose across all my documents. I'm bringing these ideas up again mainly for context and in case some readers haven't seen them yet. This is sort of like an overview for the first segment of my story, and also some brief character analyses of certain scenes. I'm also not sure what would spoil my story or not.

I forgot how English works (and it's my only language).

Also this is depressing AF... I tried to put all the doom and gloom into this first part, so if anyone reading this wants to skip to the part that says, "I avoid giving Lucas any diagnosis..." then be my guest. It's. Half the post, tho.

And I'll post the art separately tomorrow, so people won't have to read the depressing stuff to see it.

With that, I can shakily point to a few foundational scenes I over-analyzed. Especially this one:

Where to start...

As we may recall in the first game, the Doctor complains to Ryder that it was easier to take care of Lucas when he was younger, and, "now he wants to know How and Why and debate everything. It's really quite trying at times."

This just sounds like puberty to me. Dad agreed; the Doctor probably received Lucas at a young, easy-to-please age and got used to that lifestyle. But as Lucas grew older, taking more independence, and forming his own opinions - normal development stuff - this resulted in conflict - the form of which I'm still unsure of.

So, I have Lucas lose his mom around eight years old. It's that vulnerable spot where he's old enough to remember her well, and young enough that he has little in the way of coping mechanisms. And while puberty is right around the corner, it gives the Doctor some time to know him before then.

Another thing to add, my Dad mentioned something Lucas said while reaching for his locket:

We're taking a literal approach to this. Not only is this device the last thing he has left of his mother, it's also the only thing he has left of his old life; all of his belongings had been destroyed or lost. We discussed possible causes, and I prefer something horrible and yet mundane. Not super newsworthy outside of his hometown. A fire, maybe?

Lucas needed a new home. And his father was never mentioned, which could mean anything (I haven't gotten around to that). In any case, they were not in the picture by this time. Next of kin would be Ryder or other family members.

We can recall Ryder in a later scene asking if Lucas wonders why the Doctor takes care of him, rather than Ryder doing so. Ryder explains his own unavailability as being very busy. I take this to mean two-fold: he was the only alternative when it came to raising Lucas, and it wasn't due to his capability to parent. So, if Lucas had other blood relatives, they never stepped up. Naturally, this results in Lucas feeling unwanted.

So many characters I need to get right... Lucas lost his mom, and Ryder lost his sister. Ryder may have thought himself and his life situation too unstable. Like he couldn't afford the responsibility on top of the grief and whatever else he had going on. Lucas stays with him for only as long as it takes to arrange a plan with the Doctor. I think Ryder might have some mental troubles of his own that would make raising a child difficult. But the Doctor isn't much better on that front.

Doctor Vargas seems to have had a lingering emotional wound since Charlotte disappeared, and based on vibes was likely a lonely, somewhat reserved man. But his living situation is the most stable, and he has kept it together for so long. And if he ever imagined having children, this would fill that need. So the arrangement - as my Dad suggested, and as I will have Ryder suggest - is a two birds, one stone kind of deal. The hope is that Doc and Lucas would help each other get better, and not worse.

Lucas is taken to the Doctor's Mansion, where Ryder will say goodbye. I have Ryder keep a stoic demeanor; he's trying to stay strong for Lucas. Even holding his breath to keep it from shuddering when they hug. But Lucas really could have benefitted from a more vulnerable moment with him, instead. Ryder is the one who gives Lucas the locket as a parting gift. Lucas begs him not to go, but Ryder can only say he's sorry.

I don't know the boy's educational situation exactly, but after that, his grades drop, he becomes more withdrawn, and his friends, if he has any, don't know how to help him. What are the chances they're mainly fair-weather friends, who go play with someone else when Lucas starts being a bummer? At least I haven't invented bullies to harass him on top of this. Actually, there's a chance that Lucas would be the bully, but I haven't decided.

Have I mentioned Lucas crying at night? He can just about gloomily keep it together during the day, but at night, when he's alone with his thoughts, he falls apart, and his crying soon wakes up the Doctor. Losing his mother and then feeling abandoned by his uncle and other relatives, it's a major blow to the self-esteem. And when his whole world is turned upside down in one fell swoop, it leaves him with a peculiar feeling.

Here is where I point out the next aspect:

Right here, this could have been the end of Lucas. And the Doctor can only watch him go. If I look at it from a more thematic view, Lucas's loss is so devastating to him that he'll clutch the memory of his mother and what he had before she died, at the expense of living himself.

So we have a semi-suicidal eight-year-old living with an older scientist and anyone else who lives in the same building. Scientists and their families from all over the world! I still don't know how the Doctor is going to take care of him. Lucas when he's older is grateful to the Doctor for taking him in, but doesn't seem to me to think of him as a father figure (but perhaps I just forgot something). And my grasp on the Doctor's character is extremely flimsy, despite him virtually being the protagonist of the first game.

I'm not sure how familiar Lucas is with Doctor Vargas. The boy's mom was a colleague, and Ryder trusts the Doctor a great deal, so at least they're not strangers. But Little Lucas might not have paid much attention to the Doctor. Maybe they played peek-a-boo a time or two. I can imagine a dark-haired toddler running under tables at company picnics or something. Doc might have showed him a couple neat gadgets or gifted him some. I dunno yet. What could be the KNACK-equivalent of a Game Boy?

During Lucas's crying spells, I kind of have the Doctor treat him like he's physically sick. Hold him while he cries, put a hand on his shoulder while he throws up, that sort of thing. Uhh, soup - in a big ol' thermos. Gotta stay hydrated and replenish those electrolytes.

Lucas crying and the Doctor consoling him is a regular occurrence for maybe a week or two, and the Doctor can't hide his exhaustion well. Still working out the details, but essentially Lucas doesn't really stop crying after that, he's just quieter about it and lies about it and Doctor Vargas doesn't press the issue. But the Doctor does worry. Lucas seems exhausted all the time, and when he's not hunched over and listless, or politely playing along with whatever to satisfy the grown-ups, he's throwing tantrums about the pointlessness of homework and anything else he doesn't want to do. I made that up. Sometimes he does still find joy in some things, and while it's temporary, it gives Doctor Vargas some hope.

The Doctor's thoughts, as they often do, turn to Charlotte, and how he felt after losing her. And what happened on that fateful day.

Lucas has a well-known love of puzzles. Because I want him to. And especially puzzles in video games. And what is science but a series of puzzles?

Before his mother's passing, I imagine Lucas enjoyed school and gained some reputation among his peers for being a nerdy kid and very smart. Naturally this would result in some peers getting close to him to improve their academic metrics or because they have similar interests. Maybe he has an interest in - the foundational stuff a seven-to-eight-year-old learns about - physics. I imagine he found his mommy's work very interesting and would ask her a lot of questions, sometimes rehashing the same ideas again and again (as my sibling did when they were little).

After she's gone, he still loves puzzles, but much like anything else, the experience of playing with them is tinged with regret. At the Doctor's place, I'm sure there are some other children and young folk living there, too, but I don't know how Lucas feels about them. I have to make so many characters...

I think Lucas would piece together some jigsaw puzzles in the lounge areas. And also slurp up much of the hot cocoa during winter time, but I digress.

Hmm. I need him to accumulate a small collection of toys, but I'm not sure yet who gives them to him and when. If he receives them all too soon and from strangers (scientists who find him endearing), he might feel sour about being pitied. At the same time, if he had a lot of toys before the fire, he'll sure miss their absence. Anyway, some things like: a small chess set, from which he'll lose some pieces, sidewalk chalk, a new gaming device with Tetris and a few other games on it, jump rope, a skateboard (actually a longboard), a Rubik's Cube, and some plushies. I want him to get the device and a plushy or two fairly quickly.

He mainly plays with the gaming device, and while it fills time and is entertaining, it does not fill the void. Still, the Doctor taps his shoulder one day.

"So. I heard you like puzzles?" Said more like a statement than a question.

Lucas doesn't fully understand the situation at first, on the order of a few hours or a day or so, when the Doctor shows him the orb. Doc tries to have a heart-to-heart moment with Lucas, but what the Doctor *says* reads like Chekhov's plasma cannon and I don't have the 'payoff' for that lined up, so I might change it.

But once it clicks for Lucas, it's like a switch is flipped. He smiles more and starts getting genuinely excited about things again. It helps that I had a pipe-dream of making Knack's puzzle a mini-game, so Lucas finds it fun. I'll want to add more to it, probably, depending on how I interpret Knack. I also have a headcanon that Knack's orb resembles a plasma globe in some tactile characteristic; Lucas likes to touch or hold it at every opportunity because it vaguely feels like something is going on in there. It's just so cool! The Doctor may or may not appreciate the novelty.

So it's like, Knack provides Lucas an opportunity to climb to his feet again. More indirectly than the screenshot, though.

I apparently got someone's game-play video confused for a trailer, and misinterpreted the YouTuber's voice as Lucas's voice, so one version of this post mentioned Knack having an incidental role of 'guardian' to Lucas. I still might want to play with that, though.

Anyway, if you're curious as to why Lucas finds the orb so much more satisfying than other puzzles, it's because of the angst. I had initially intended for Lucas to work on the project as something to distract him, much like any other puzzle, give him something to look forward to, and help him bond with Doctor Vargas. The Doctor himself hopes it can help the both of them move on from their losses, and hopes it can help him teach Lucas a thing or two.

But, somehow surprising even to me, Lucas seems to have taken it upon himself to solve this particular puzzle as a measure of value. If he can play a big part in solving it, and contribute to a grown-up scientific achievement, then he's worth all the trouble, right? Then he'll actually amount to something and be worth loving.

... I'm not sure what to say next except that I want to bonk him on the head with a paper towel roll and tell him he's being silly. And then give him a big hug.

At least he lets himself be happy again. In fact, his educational situation might flip from being too aloof to being too distracted. Doodling odd symbols in the margins of his homework and tapping his feet when he should be studying.

He still cries at night sometimes, though. Umm... trying to rack my brain here...

I avoid giving Lucas any diagnosis. Is this a bad idea? Would it be preferred I name his issues, and do research on them?

I kinda just make stuff up.

Okay, switching gears now. This part is more scattered because I don't know how to string the ideas together.

I think I mentioned the Doctor taking Lucas to places like museums and carnivals and aquariums.

Lucas might be prone to jealousy, at least when he is young, and becomes slightly possessive over the orb. This doesn't come up much beyond pressing his lips together, avoiding eye contact, and nursing a bitter feeling when the Doctor improves some experimental hardware without Lucas's prior knowledge. Lucas wonders if the Doctor had continued solving parts without him. Not sure if I should drop it.

Lucas is about ten years old by the time Knack is Manifested. I picked ten years old just 'cause that's about two years of working on the puzzle, enough time to build that machine. I don't want it to take too long or short because the puzzle I'm going with currently makes the Doctor look a bit stupid.

I have Lucas as twelve years old when the first game starts, because that's about middle-school age where the puberty does the things. And about 16 or so in the sequel, trying to balance the moved-out thing with the uncharacteristically immature behavior.

Also because Ava seems about 16 and Dad said that number makes sense for her role as a youth leader, and Ava and Lucas seem like peers. Man, they really flopped on the framing for the scene in this shot! I can hardly see Lucas at all with low brightness. Maybe it's different when you play it yourself.

Dad also told me something that I interpreted to mean most media is really bad at establishing ages. So I'm not sure what to do with that.

Anyway, ten years old.

I'm still not sure how, after the excitement of success subsides, Lucas will initially react to the creature made of stone. His reaction will probably depend on his background. Early drafts have him fed fairy tales that paint goblins unfavorably. And since the creature resembles a goblin in some aspects, Lucas freaks himself out or intimidates the little guy. But these drafts felt silly or off, because the creature is all smiles when he wakes up, and we know he's friendly. Also the Doctor just stands there. So I'll come up with something else, probably.

Regarding Knack's relationship with Lucas: When I see other people describe their relationship as sibling-like (a headcanon), they tend to position Knack as the elder. I may need to double-check; the fandom is pretty small and I haven't read much of the fanfictions. Another headcanon I saw a couple times is that Knack had been alive/conscious a long, long time ago.

But recently someone told me they interpret Lucas as the elder!

My interpretation is that Lucas steps up to that particular plate, first.

My idea goes: before anyone knows for sure that Knack's creature type also includes being a person, Lucas treats him a bit like a toddler and a pet, himself acting as the older brother and sorta babysitter. Still trying to decide if Knack knows he is a person at this stage... It seems like in both games, Lucas tends to talk to him like he's giving him a tutorial.

So I gotta figure out how the Doctor, Lucas, and some other folks turn a sweet little bean into the Knack we all know and love. And how Knack and the Doctor etc, do the same with Lucas.

Lucas is so silly!

I know you saw the one about the first night, Bestie [D;? but I'm not sure how to explain it concisely here. A lot of these I feel would be best shown in a comic series.

There is very much a theme of reciprocation in my story. That might be the wrong word. I'm thinking of familial affection. Lucas just doesn't get enough, and so, doing unto others as he would want to be treated, offers attention to Knack. What to list as examples... Reading him stories, nuzzling, very simple dancing. Probably more but I am my brain is made of Swiss cheese.

I did mention Knack being a sleepy baby on here at first, but I don't think I mentioned that Lucas worries if he's dying or something. It's like if you brought home a baby creature, but had no idea what it eats or needs to live, and then it acts groggier and less responsive, and can barely hold its head up... The Doctor kind of scoffs and says it's highly unlikely (not in a mean way), possibly thinking of Knack more like a device. But even if the Doctor is confident, Lucas isn't convinced. And Baby Knack doesn't know how to ask for what he needs, so he kind of furrows his brow and squints and makes little grumbling noises and like. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like he kneads invisible dough or something? And he frequently glances up at Lucas or the Doctor.

Lucas tries really hard to not-cry and seem reasonable, but he can't help reaching out to pet the little guy's head. The creature responds very favorably, still sleepy. Leading Lucas to bring him into a hug, possibly picking him up. The creature is soothed by this, and after wrapping his arms around Lucas, he promptly falls asleep. Or something idk. Everything is a work in progress.

Knack occupies a weird role at first, and even later on occasion: something sort of like a pet, but not quite. Lucas is primarily the one who initiates the interactions like that, but sometimes the Doctor does as well. Knack himself does not understand until later.

I know it's silly to have Lucas pet him. He's basically a rock, even if he reminds me of a teddy bear sometimes. But look at that face! Lucas can feel warm and fuzzy just knowing that his little puzzle buddy likes him.

I also have Lucas very interested in Knack as a person, like how he's feeling and what he thinks. I think it would be funny if he gets good at reading Knack's body language, but not so good at interpreting his words sometimes. I'm kind of throwing out that scene in 2 where Knack gives Lucas an odd look for presuming what he's thinking and framing it as a 'talk'; if Lucas paid any attention to Knack, he would have done something like that a long time ago. And so I have him *do*: Early on, Lucas talks to the Doctor for Knack, like an untrained interpreter. And sometimes even airs his own grievances as if Knack is 'saying' so.

I mean, I *guess* I could have Lucas be oblivious to Knack's emotional situation unless it suits him, but then like. I dunno. That doesn't fit the little guy I made up so far. What feels more like Lucas?

Lucas sometimes imitates Knack's mannerisms and vice versa. Also expect recycled dialogue. I think Lucas vicariously experiences some adventure through Knack.

I still think Lucas gets swole by playing with Knack all the time.

Later, Knack and Lucas switch big-brother-little-brother roles based on the scene.

(I got this screenie from MoeePlays. The rest of the unwatermarked ones are from FullPlaythroughs.)

You may also see Knack playing the big-brother role while being Little Knack, if I can communicate that well enough. I think it's interesting. And the reverse.

Dad compared the way I describe Knack to Lennie Smalls in "Of Mice and Men", and suggested Lucas could be made somewhat like George. I must say, I hadn't read that story before then. So that was a wild ride! Now George, he's kind of prickly, which Lucas seems to be in the second game, but I'm a little hesitant. Dad also mentioned something about George's dream, and maybe Lucas could have something like that. I think I know what he means, and it's probably a reason I feel stuck in the 'ending' I had written; the dream feels impossible.

Jumping around again; if you were to talk to Lucas about Knack, and Knack was nowhere to be seen, Lucas would probably think of him as Little Knack. I looked too far into Lucas calling Knack "little buddy" at the start, and couldn't remember if Lucas called him something different later. I also interpreted this to mean Knack often hangs out with Lucas as Little Knack, which is supported by a brief shot or two in 1, and the title screen of 2.

Lucas considers Knack to be his achievement on some level. In fact, I consider this to be what he was alluding to in the museum in 2; that "without me, the Doctor would never have known-" how to bring Knack to life. I can imagine a young Lucas, when people are told that the Doctor had solved the puzzle and created Knack, saying quietly or thinking to himself, "*I* made this."

He goes back on that idea later. For Reasons. I might change that also, though. Then again, if I change the story every time I get caught and scraped up in a prickly patch, I wouldn't have much of a story anymore. I wouldn't necessarily say Lucas is naive. He's pretty smart and can sometimes pick up on things, but he can be willfully ignorant. If that doesn't make sense out of context, don't worry.

Changing the subject, Lucas kick-starts Knack's mischievous streak. He kind of teases him? Best example is the GIF I wanted to make but turned into a slideshow. In the garden, Lucas growls in jest at a Little Baby Knack, who reacts ferociously and growls back with rough red lettering, lifting his paws a bit and shifting his weight from foot to foot. Lucas laughs, delighted, and Baby Knack's expression shifts a little into amusement, before the GIF loops and they return to growling.

To clarify, Knack is playing, here. Although it does take him a few moments of fleeing and fawning to realize Oh, you're threatening me as a joke. Two can play at that game! Eventually, Lucas feels that Knack is acting too aggressive for his comfort, and, failing to notice that Knack is mirroring his own body language, worries he'll get a good punch to the gut. Or worse. He tries to de-escalate with the offer of a hug, which allows Baby Knack to play a mean prank.

And at one point I want Lucas to try smuggling Knack to school for the express purpose of scaring the crap out of Lucas's peers. For fun!

Another thing about how I wrote Lucas is that, when he is younger, at least, he isn't all that shy with Knack after like a day or so. I'm not sure how to say what I mean... It's like, Lucas has a tendency to get excited and touch, lightly pull, or grab Knack's arm(s), to get his attention, turn him around, or drag him somewhere. It's also a means of affection. He's gentle about it, but still. He isn't usually so grabby with other kids.

One of the things I considered playing with Knack is whether he might bite a family member when he is a 'baby'. But the more I think about it, the more the answer resounds no, he wouldn't. In one scene I wrote, Knack makes a non-lingual, idle threat (growling at him), but Lucas calls his bluff and takes something from him anyway. Lucas actually scoffs at him, incredulous.

Do not look to Lucas for guidance on how to treat children, animals, or operate heavy machinery.

Umm, what else. I bet Lucas would pass out if someone strokes his hair. First thing that comes to mind is Charlotte experimentally trying motherly things, feeling awkward about it and stopping. Lucas murmers something like, "You can keep going :)" Realizes what he just said, "I mean, if *you* want to," and scratches the back of his neck and looks away.

Along with a grappling hook (or maybe the Doctor gave him that), Ryder gives Lucas a butterfly knife for his twelfth birthday. This sounds very familiar to me, so either I thought about it before, it's practically canon, or someone else had mentioned it and I just can't remember. Or it could be a regular pocket knife.

At some point, to someone else, I have Doc describe Lucas as becoming more responsible since Knack came into his life. But of course, since the Doctor can never let Lucas have anything, he amends it with, "at times."

I also have this screenshot:

What was I going to put down for it...?

I remember seeing a review where someone mentioned this scene, gave an extremely reductive summary of it, and they thought "It plays out like a parody of kids movie/game “you-can-do-itism” but it’s not parodying anything in particular." I was rather miffed about that, to say the least; I thought this scene was a major characterization moment.

Lucas is curious/a scientist.

Knack puts so much faith in the Doctor that he limits himself. He also comes off like a major teacher's pet with his quoting ability.

The Doctor thinks himself so smart like he knows everything without testing it thoroughly. To the point where he has told Knack that he is incapable of something.

Lucas encourages Knack to try new things.

Not sure how to put this, but it comes up again in the Key Confrontation. Could be related to 4. Lucas is skeptical of the Doctor's authority and offers an opposing viewpoint. He prompts Knack to stop viewing the Doctor's words as gospel, at least temporarily. This is why I want Lucas and the Doctor to be/become foils in my story. Lucas sees himself in Knack.

Knack believes in the Doctor, sure. But he also trusts and believes in Lucas.

And one last thing, because I can't escape upsetting topics: there may be some parental favoritism going on between the Doctor and the boys. I loathe the idea, but it slots into my current framework with unfortunate agreement. I had a conversation with Dad about it, and he said, uhh trying to remember... it's a reasonable idea. He spoke of Lucas coming into his own and how it challenges the Doctor's ego, meanwhile Knack does whatever the Doctor says without question.

I don't think Lucas would resent or blame the Doctor's Greatest Creation, but it would impact his self-esteem. I don't know what that looks like yet.

Umm, I hope this was worth the wait; I had a lot of fun! I want to add more but I'm kind of scatter-brained. Also this is 4.6k words apparently.

[jekyll2life]

“Flesh and Stone”

During the first weeks of his arrival at his new home, Garrott was lost and weary. There was much he didn’t understand, compounded with needing to come to terms with losing his wings and his beloved Rochelle. But amidst the bitter chaos, there was a light. A light in the form of a young man, with streaks of rainbow in his hair and a horn protruding from his head, whose flesh hands felt warm against his stone skin. His name was Neighthan Rot. Neighthan had been there for Garrott since his first day, always offering a warm smile and good company. Garrott remained reserved during his visits at first, but over time grew used to them, and even started looking forward to them.  One night, as Garrott lay awake and reflected upon the time they spent together, he spoke a realization into the void. “I think I’ve become quite fond of Monsieur Rot.” “Then why don’t you pursue him?” The void asked back. The void took the form of the boogeymonster ghoul, Twyla he was told was her name. “Because what if Rochelle is still out there? What if she’s still looking for me? I must wait for her!” “And how long has it been since you two have been separated?” Garrott paused. “A few years now.” “For toys like us, it is difficult to control the direction of our lives, as that is mostly in the hands of the humans. Even if she is still out there, and we don’t know if she is, the chance of you finding her is close to none. I don’t think she would hold it against you if you’ve found someone new. A new love does not mean the old one meant any less.” And with that, on the first of February, Garrott invited Neighthan to the flower patch. And there they started a new chapter in their lives.

((I don’t remember if I ever mentioned it here before, but I like to think of my dolls as tiny people. I came up with backstories for all of them based on how I got them. Garrott was originally sold in a two-pack with Rochelle, but I got him by himself. So I imagine he got separated from her after being passed around between different humans. Neighthan is somewhat similar, having fallen into the hands of a reseller and got separated from his hybrid friends. They bonded over that among other things. I can’t explain it, but I had a feeling my Neighthan liked Garrott ever since he came out of the box. Thus, we have this crack pair. Hope that helps provide some more context for my little ficlet above, and I hope you all enjoy.))

((By the way, Neighthan’s outfit is now available in my Etsy Shop!))

[malaikamasiyablogs]

Life As A Mover

Growing up, I moved a lot. I’ve switched between over 20 houses since 2018. Therefore, adjusting to new environments became quite easy for me, in fact it became my new norm. I’ve lost contact with friendships, I’ve regained contact and I’ve made new connections. Moving around neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city, became my new personality trait. Each day I woke up I felt like I was in a new environment, with new people. I still experience, to this day, awkward conversations on a weekly basis that go like “Didn't you used to live…”; “Why are you back?”; “ I remember when you used to go…”. These would end in me explaining the multitude of reasons why I’ve lived in such places, switched between places etc. Which sometimes I do dread, I dont always want to be known as the girl who’s moved from place to place because of her unbalanced lifestyle. However, moving did come with some advantages, although it did take me a while to realize these advantages. One of my most prominent moves was the switch between the 6th and 7th grade, going from Windsor to Toronto. Moving to Toronto was not a big deal to me until I reached my new school. I was used to the environment and have also lived in Toronto bouncing from downtown near Sherbourne, Rosedale, North York etc. However, entering a new middle school on my own was a challenge for me. I remember walking down the hallways and thinking this was going to be my forever school until I graduate. The first week was awkward for me. I was not used to all these new faces and in each individual I saw an old friend. I still do this to this day. Each face I see at my school, I associate them with an old peer and reminisce about the memories we had together. At this school though, It didn't take me so long to adjust as it did with others. I had friend groups take me under their wing and soon felt happy with the outcomes with my friend group. My friend group did face major bumps in the road, but in the end it all turned out well and I still talk to many of them to this day.

My experiences at this school came to a short end with only lasting a year and a half since I had to move back here to WIndsor. This change was hard, I felt like I was losing a piece of myself that I worked so hard on. The move back to Ste-Therese was difficult. Even if it was only 3-4 months since Covid, those months felt dragged on and long. I returned to a school with people I knew from the past, but they weren't the same. Everyone grew up drastically, including me. This made things hard to accustom to, a feeling I would go through years later. After I graduated from the 8th grade, I came to Lajeunesse, however since most of it was online classes I didn't mind much. The switch to Laj to Lessor for grade 10 was fun and simple. I was more confident in myself, and even if I entered knowing no one, I left with the best and closest friends I could imagine. My time at Lessor will be a time I’ll always remember as fun, social and  exciting. This year was short-lived though, when I made my final move to Lajeunesse for the 11th grade.

It was dreadful. My first 3 months at Lajeunesse can only be described as a major disbelonging to these already established friend groups. For these first 3 months at Lajeunesse, I would hate waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night. I was only lounging for comfort at Lessor. As long these 3 months felt, I finally got out my shell and tried to find people to relate to, be a part of and call family. 

In conclusion, moving from town to town, neighborhood to neighborhood, school to school has taught me to be outgoing. Change is going to happen whether you like it or not, how you react to it will define yourself and future outcomes. I'm proud of the things I experience because without it I would not be who I am today.