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jodilin65 · 30 years

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THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 1994 Tom’s finishing up dinner. He made us pork chops and tater tots.

Had a great talk with Dad today.

That’s about all that’s happening.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 1994 Oh, this is just lovely. Next door, there’s a car in their driveway as well as a van on their front lawn. There’s a ball game going on now that includes other kids who don’t live there. They’re all dressed up, so hopefully they’re going somewhere. Maybe Lenore had her 5th kid or it’s cuz Easter’s coming, but I’m sure it’ll be a zoo till it gets really hot.

Why me? There are tons of elderly couples on this street, so why couldn’t they live next to me what with these houses so close? Why did God have to put Mormons next to me? What’s he trying to tell me? It’ll be years before we move, so how many kids will be there then? 10?

Well, for now I have the radio really loud, cuz if they aren’t going, it’ll be crazy there all day. Also, if they’re going to have company for a while, they’ll keep their dog outside 24/7.

I’m going to go out back and see if I hear anything out there.

Later…

I think I’ve finally figured out why I haven’t gotten any letters from Bob. He probably never had it written down and with him and can’t remember it. I called Kim today who said he made remarks about possibly sending it to the wrong place. While she was on the line, I called and got the PO Box number. Tomorrow I’ll mail out a letter to him. I enclosed an address label which I stuck on the letter as well as the envelope and also my phone number. Hope to hell he gets it and I get a reply.

Kim says there’s still some snow and they’re due for more. Ha, ha!!! Tammy says it’s 40° there and they’re firing up the woodstove. Ha, ha!!! Today it’s 85° and I’ve had the EC on all day.

Luckily, they shut up next door as quickly as they started. I have a good feeling that the hotter it gets, the less I’ll hear of them. They really are quiet 98% of the time. It’s just the old memories of the NHA that the ruckus triggers. If I began with the NHA all the way on up to this place and did a chart of the noise percentage, it’d look like this: NHA - 100% noisy, Vista Ventana - 80% noisy, Crystal Creek - 60% noisy, here - 15% noisy. If it weren’t for this fan, though, I’d be woken up 7 out of 10 times. This fan’s great, although it’d be hopeless in the NHA. Even hopeless in the Vista Ventana cuz the whole building shakes. The kids shook the building in the NHA and in the Vista Ventana, the butch rocked the place. Andy’s thunderous footsteps too.

Kim says she’ll be sending a letter soon. Cool, Book of Letters #7 needs it. Of course, I love getting letters, anyway.

Tom will be home very soon and soon, I’ll be hitting the sack.

Gotta go set the VCR.

Later…

OK, I set it for Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order, and Now. It looks like for once Law & Order could be a new one. Unsolved is a repeat as usual, but they sometimes have updates on old cases. Now will always be new.

I left Tom a note asking him to please tape a movie for me on my old shitty VCR in his bedroom. The nice thing about it is, though, that if you record something on it, it’ll play fine on the living room VCR. If you play it back on the other one, it looks and sounds like it’s under water.

God, it’s warm in here. I’ve had the EC blaring up high all day and it reads 82° in the living room. It’s cooler in my room, though. That’s where there’s a lower, longer awning outside one of my windows where the sun faces west.

Damn. I forgot to call the Civic Plaza for more information about seeing the Judds, or whichever one’s going to be there. Tomorrow I will, as this won’t be happening till April 9th and 10th. It’s not a Phil Donoghue talk show, I guess, but a women’s expo.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1994 Not much happened yesterday. I fell asleep at 5 PM, therefore, I couldn’t see the look on Tom’s face when he walked into his room. I straightened it all up.

I forgot to mention that I tried to call Jessie in W. Springfield. Both numbers I tried were wrong. I called information and there’s no Jessie or JS in the whole Springfield area. She either moved or has a phone in someone else’s name now.

I tried to call Cassandra, my old therapist in Deerfield. I got her machine and I left a message as well as my number.

Tom and I went out for almost two hours. I got my meds and 3 journals for $20.75. Now I have a total of 65!

Tom and I are out back now. Boy, is it hot!

No mail from Bob. Maybe he doesn’t have my address written down with him in jail and he can’t remember it correctly.

Andy told me that Michael Jackson joke yesterday and it was pretty funny. What do Michael Jackson and J.C. Penny have in common?

They both have little boy’s pants half off.

Another one goes: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickolotopus.

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 1994 Yesterday was lots of fun and I broke another “bed record.” For the first time yesterday, Tom and I were able to have full-scale penetration. It felt really nice, even though I could never cum by that alone with no stimulation. It really makes me feel more of a woman and less different, although, we’d both be fine if I never could’ve done it. Oral sex is my favorite and it always will be.

He’ll be getting up any time now and Andy’s off today. We may get together.

That’s all that’s been going on. Tom and I also have great talks and enjoy spending time together. It’s so amazing how this just keeps on getting better and better.

I have to call for my meds refill and that’s about the only thing I absolutely need to do today.

I basically give up, as far as getting any mail from Bob. I guess he’s a closed chapter in my life. For now, it feels that way.

Later…

Tom’s up now and he’s making us Hamburger Helper now. He’s quickly going to run to the store to pick me up cigarettes.

Doesn’t feel like it’s going to be cool out today. Earlier when I went to put the garbage out back it wasn’t too bad. Maybe I can get some color today. Then again, I’ll probably wait till I can swim. It’s too boring sunning and just sitting out there without being able to swim.

I have to go check the Hamburger Helper now, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

The Hamburger Helper was so good. Tom’s in the shower now and I’ll probably do some typing.

SUNDAY, MARCH 27, 1994 For the first time in my life, I’m letting someone read a whole entire journal. Yup, I’m letting Tom read the story in #61 (lesbian romance). He’ll die laughing, I’m sure.

Andy tried telling me I oughta publish some of my writing. Maybe do a short story for Echo magazine which is a gay magazine. Nope. Don’t think so. See, when I sit back and read whatever I wrote, I like it and understand it. However, I’m afraid others will just laugh. They haven’t yet, but I guess I’m just paranoid.

I went to bed at 3:30 PM and while I slept, Tom read it. Well, I guess he did. He said he was going to, but I can’t ask him now cuz he’s asleep.

If they’ve played their music across the street, I never heard anything. It’s been quiet since they played outdoors in the garage behind their house last Sun. That was probably a birthday party.

Evie and David sent an Easter card to “Jody” and Tom. How sweet, although no one ever spells my name right. Either way it’s spelled, I hate the fucking name, so who cares?

Andy left a message to call him cuz he has a great Michael Jackson joke. When I did try to call it was too late.

Got a postcard from my dad today which I copied into #57. Still nothing from Bob or Kim.

The weather was pretty shitty yesterday with rain. It was damp and yucky, but it cleared off. By Monday it’ll be back to the 80s.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26, 1994 So, what’s been going on here in Arizona? Oh, not much. In April I may meet Naomi Judd. She’s to be at the Civic Plaza with Phil Donoghue and some other actress whose name I can’t remember. It’ll probably be a long line, but I guess you get to talk to her briefly and get a picture taken with her and an autograph. I may check it out if she’s not here while I’m in Disneyland.

Still no mail from Bob or anyone else.

I spoke to Tammy who tried calling last night. It figures I’d miss her call. They’re expecting 2” of snow. Ha, Ha!

THURSDAY, MARCH 24, 1994 I just left a message on Andy’s machine. He called me last night at 1 AM, but I had the ringer off figuring no one was going to call so late. When the hell are they going to stop fucking up his schedule and put him on 2nd shift?

Anyway, I’m going to go now to watch more of the shows I taped, so bye for now.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23, 1994 I’m still up and Tom’s in the shower now getting ready for work.

I just finished helping him with the bills. He writes out the checks, then copies the check number and the check amount onto a piece of paper. I put the bill and check in their envelopes, then stamp it, and stick his address label on it.

What else is going on right now? Oh, not much. Just bumming around till I fall asleep. I’m going to soon have coffee and have a cigarette. Just what I need, huh? When it comes to trying to quit smoking, I never fail to fail. I quit trying to quit. Whatever will be will be and I’ll be a smoker forever, regardless of wanting to or not.

Later…

Got up at 5:00 today. When Tom came home I surprised him with a spaghetti dinner. He loved it. I even surprised myself. For someone who can’t cook, it sure came out yummy. See, I am sort of old-fashioned and there is a little tradition in me, as modern as I am.

I still haven’t gotten any letters from Bob. If I don’t in a month, then I give up. To hell with ever hoping my parents will ever write me, either. It seems they only write once a year.

I taped my shows, but Unsolved Mysteries wasn’t on due to some special, and Law & Order was a repeat.

TUESDAY, MARCH 22, 1994 I typed a letter to my parents, and still no letter from Bob. Kim got hers, so is there that one in a million chance that someone’s working there that doesn’t like me and has intercepted his mail to me? I doubt it. I mean, Bob would write to me, and he even told Kim he sent a second letter to me right after they had their visit. Maybe he wrote it right after their last bi-weekly mail run. Tom says that’s how it is in the military. Someone will get mail only every other week, but when they do, they get 4 or 5 letters. I hope this is the case.

I typed Kim a letter and played some card games. What do I want to do now? I have no idea. I would like to write more, but I’ve run out of things to write about. Guess I’ll have to think of another writing project for times like this, huh?

Later…

Had enough TV for a while, so I think I’ll go listen to music. After, I’ll try conking out. Before I do, though, let me just say that I’m so proud of myself. I made the best chicken wings ever. This time I not only put margarine on it but also garlic salt. It made the meat part cook better and more tender. Also, the skin was nice and crispy.

Well, till later or tomorrow!

Later…

I think it’ll be a while before I conk out.

Been meaning to mention the weirdest, yet pretty cool thing. I swear I hear birds chirping during the middle of the night. It’s the strangest thing. I’ll have to ask Tom about it, as I wonder what kinds of birds could be doing this and why. They certainly don’t do this in Massachusetts or Connecticut, unless there’s sunlight.

I just upped and threw on the EC to bring fresh air in. I love how it brings in the smell of the orange blossoms. They don’t really smell of orange, though, otherwise I’d hate it, cuz I hate both the smell and the taste of orange. Now it’s great in here after only a few seconds. It freshens the air quicker and better than opening up the place on a very windy day. It also filters out pollen. I’ve been tight lately and this really helps cuz if I didn’t know better, I’d swear I was outside in the fresh air right now.

I just heard Tom cough. I wonder if he’s up. He’ll probably stay in bed till 6:00 or 7:00 anyway.

It’s getting chilly in here so I’ll shut off the EC soon. My breathing’s much better now.

So, am I going to get a letter from Bob today, or what? I sure hope so.

I hope Fran decides to try calling me back when I’m awake and not busy. Maybe I’ll hear about Bob’s picture. He’s getting a very nice picture of a Mexican girl. When Andy was here, he brought the picture to send to him. Someone left it behind at Denny’s. Just to keep track, here are my “notes” on her. I wouldn’t want to get her confused with Sabrina. Andy named her Connie Wells. She’s 28, lives alone across the street from me, is a secretary at a lawyer’s office, has no kids, is from Texas, has 3 sisters and 2 brothers, and moved here when she was 18. If I mentioned anything else in my letter about her to Fran, then I forgot. I just said that I told Connie all about him and she liked what she heard. With my luck, he’ll say he wants to write to her and really mean it this time. As stupid as he is, he’ll never buy it if I give a million reasons why she needs to get her mail here. I could try saying, if it comes up, that she just got involved with someone very very jealous of her even having a long-distance pen pal, but I doubt it’ll work. Maybe I oughta bring it up before he does in my next letter to him. This way it’ll sound less of a cover-up excuse if he asks for an address.

Damn, in 7 hours I’ve written 14 pages! I’ve been in my writing mood, so I remembered the little stuff to write about for now.

The lettuce is growing, but the carrots are taking their sweet time.

Later…

Tom and I went to Petsmart earlier. I got more pellets and the same plastic ball I had when I had the two mice. So far, he doesn’t like it like the mice did. He just sits there. I guess it’s a little too small for him.

I also got two journals.

When Tom went to the grocery store while I was asleep, he got some sticks of different colored clay. I’ll have to come up with some clever idea for them.

I also got a birthday card for Dad.

Fran left a message and I called him back. He wants to move out here. What else is new? I told him about Connie and he never did mention Bob’s picture.

MONDAY, MARCH 21, 1994 I awoke at 4:00 once again. Late last night, till 7:00 this morning, I sort of felt lousy. Due to the rain, which I’m not as used to anymore since that’s a rare occasion here, I felt shitty. I was very very tight.

Last night, though, I went to print out address labels for my parents and Kim, but the printer fouled up on me. Therefore, I handwrote 12 envelopes with 12 different labels they haven’t seen yet. I do believe I mentioned this, come to think and remember it.

Fran called today before I woke up. Tom answered his call, then he left a message. I tried calling him twice but he was busy, so he’s going to have to call me. Also, if he gets me, he does. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

At about 5:00 this afternoon Tom and I went to JB’s for dinner. It was good.

Just as we were leaving, they were playing, or so I thought, across the street. Very loud. It was still going on at 7:30 when we got in, so I called. His mother answered and the weird thing was that where she was was quiet. I guess the house behind her was playing in their garage, as there was a party. That was cool, and she sounded nice. When I hung up I put my music on and turned it off at 8:45 and it was quiet. That was easy enough to deal with.

So afterward, I watched TV, typed letters, played my computer card game, and ate more. I tried to do some scanning, but I couldn’t get it to work to save my life.

I hope I get Bob’s letter today. Kim called yesterday and she had just gotten a letter from him. We both never got that first one he wrote us both a few weeks ago. Guess we never will get it. Kim said he wrote and sent me a letter the same day he sent hers.

Later…

Between April 17th and 22nd, we’ll be going to Disneyland for 1-2 nights. However, somewhere in July or August, we’ve decided that Vegas would be a great place to be married.

It’s weird, yet fine with me, that I don’t look as white as these pages. Why? Who knows. I haven’t exactly been out in the sun these days.

I also forgot to mention something else for about a week now. According to the DES book, yes we possess higher chances of fertility and miscarriages, but they also made it sound like it’s very far from impossible. Still don’t know if I’ll want to try in ‘96, but we’ll see, as it’s still quite a while from now. Also, Tom and I are less convinced that my ear has anything to do with the DES and surer that I do ovulate. The book, along with the doctor, mentioned thinner, runnier discharges mid-cycle. Well, I most certainly have that.

I’ve got a few things I want to mend and hem on my new sewing machine. Let’s see, what do I want to do? A pair of panties, my white shorts, and I know there’s more. Oh yes, the pockets of my cut-off jeans.

Later…

Fell asleep at 5:30 this morning. Got up at noon, then fell back asleep an hour later till 5:00.

When Tom got home he tried to scan my journals and even he’s having trouble with it, so something’s wrong.

I may have mentioned a while back that they’re eliminating Tom’s job at AMEX, so he put in for another job at another department. If he gets it, he’ll work 8-hour shifts for 5 days a week.

Anyway, our trip to Disneyland may have to be pushed ahead or back a little, but we are going.

Tomorrow at 10:00 he has an appointment with the mortgage company about that $65,000 loan.

I’m recording the Oscar Awards now, but for the most part, it’ll be boring.

SUNDAY, MARCH 20, 1994 Earlier Tom and I were talking about possible dates to be married. I said that in a way I wish it were now 1995, then we could go for April 9th, the day we met. So, eventually, he came up with an idea. He asked me, “When was the first time we went in the middle?”

I thought at first he meant when he got in there, finally. Well, he meant orally, as sex is sex, and sex comes in all ways and forms of variety. I looked back and he “got it in there” on January 12th, but the oral part was either July 28th, 29th or 30th. I think it was the 30th.

What type of wedding we’ll have and where is still a mystery. We both agree on one thing, though. Neither of us wants a huge wedding. Andy said he’s definitely going to be there, which is great. He went on and on about how great Tom and I are together and jokingly asked to be the bridesmaid and dress up as either Stevie or Madonna.

I finally got my last order of address labels and I really like them a lot. I already filled out the order form for labels for Tammy and Bill for their anniversary, even though that’s not until May 25th. I’m ordering them cat labels. I should’ve gotten those, rather than the gold-trimmed ones for myself. Anyway, I went ahead and ordered a set of these cat labels for myself. In August for my parent’s anniversary, I’ll order them a set of who knows what style and design.

My dad’s birthday is only about 15 days away. What shall I send him? Just a card as usual? How old is he going to be? I think he’ll be 63.

Tom’s mom gave me a bag of magazines. He was at his parent’s house while I was asleep. They really were of no use to me, but it was nice of her. There were two animal posters that I put up on the bulletin board. Also, two subscription forms I used for Nervous and Scott. There was a poster of a tarantula and that’ll go to Nervous.

The neatest thing she gave Tom to give to me were pastel chalk-like things. I did a fairly decent picture of a table with a bowl of fruit and a vase of flowers. Behind the table is a chair. Behind the table and chair is a big huge window with curtains. Outside the window, I drew mountains and the sky.

Later…

I just tried to print out address labels for Kim and my parents, but I fucked up somehow. So, I addressed them by hand which I also don’t mind doing. I used all different colors. There are about 12 address labels that Kim and my parents haven’t seen yet, so I gave them each one. Their next 12 letters will have different address labels.

I watched part of a movie I taped last night. So far, so good. Now I think I’ll listen to music for a while.

SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 1994 Boy, was I tired. I slept nearly 11 hours and didn’t get up until 4 PM today.

Last night was fun. Andy came over and did his laundry at 7:30. Tom didn’t get in till 9:00 and I was worried. He worked overtime. We were all laughing and joking and telling old and funny stories.

Still no letter from Bob. This makes me feel like someone’s intercepting his mail.

Tom’s working on the back room right now, and I’m kind of bored.

THURSDAY, MARCH 17, 1994 I just called Gina who remembered my voice and name after a couple of months. I asked if she could play One for One. I don’t know who does it, but I know Linda did it in the early 70s. I love the guitar in this guy’s version.

So anyway, here’s the news about Bob. Kim called me to tell me she saw Bob. He’s been transferred yet a third time. From Franklin County to Walpole, and now to MCI Concord in the Boston area. Who knows what MCI stands for? Must be Massachusetts Corrections Institute or something.

As she saw, and to no surprise, Bob looks terrible. Who wouldn’t in jail? He does have an appeal going through, but if it works, it’ll take quite some time. Hey, what else is new? But he said that even his lawyer swore up and down that he’d get off. He can’t get calls, but he can make them as long as they’re collect. He can also write and get letters. If I write to him, they don’t read the letter, but they do open the envelope, naturally, to be sure nothing’s in the envelope that’s not supposed to be. Kim said she sent us both letters a couple of weeks ago, but it’s going to take time. They only pick up mail from there every other week. Hopefully, I’ll get his letter within a few days, but he’ll get my letters faster than I’ll get his. Kim said that he’ll still get the letter I just sent to Walpole. Also, in his letter, there’ll be more information as well as his booking number.

If there’s any news that’s good that eases our fears, it’s that his one cellmate’s his age. Also, there’s been no abuse from the guards or any other inmate. True to what Tom said, he’s bored with tons of free time.

Is Gina going to fucking play my request, or what? She’s done this before and so far she’s played 3 other requests and they didn’t seem to come before mine. Fuck her then, if she doesn’t play it. I’ll request it from another DJ if I have to.

I’m going to go watch TV now and soon hit the sack.

Later…

Well, Gina did play my request, but I sure did not expect to hear me singing first. No wonder she asked me to sing a little of it. I thought it a little strange that she wouldn’t know the song, therefore, I had to sing some of it.

Tom got home a little while ago. Now he’s eating.

They’re playing now across the street and I can very barely hear it! I’m leaving him a thank you note tomorrow.

Later…

I just finished typing up the last letter of the day. Got a few letters going out. To my parents, Kim, Fran and Andy’s nasty customer.

Tom and I talked more about getting married. We’re still not sure of a month, date, or where. We discussed the pros and cons of getting married here, as well as in Vegas.

I’m surer that I want to marry Tom more than he’s sure I’m sure. I think he’s just jumping the gun, though, worrying about too many what-ifs, even though that’s perfectly understandable. I went through all my what-ifs too. Like, what if we get divorced like almost everyone else does? But, life’s about taking chances. His basic concern is that he’s positive about two things that he swears will happen and how I’ll feel about them and deal with them. He swears I’ll fall in love with a woman and it’ll be mutual. He’s not so much afraid I’ll leave him, but will it make me wish I weren’t married to him? I said I’d tell them it’s too late and that I’m taken. He says these words may be hard to stick by, but this can happen to him as well as anyone else. If this happens I’ll deal with it as best I can. Yes, I know I swore I’d never have a relationship or move here, but no woman’s going to love me. Not one I’d love back. As gay as I always have been and always will be, this isn’t meant to be. If it were in my cards to be with a woman, then I would’ve been. The relationship was, after all, meant to be, but not with a woman. Otherwise, Tom would be a woman. Anyway, it’s human nature to be attracted to multiple people, although Tom’s 100% sure I’m going to fall in love. Tom said this happened to him with his first wife and he had to go through the “Hey, I’m already committed” stage. I guess it was the type of love where he didn’t want to leave his wife, nor did he want to sleep with this other woman. I guess it’s just Murphy’s Law.

The other thing he swears will happen is that I’ll no longer get SS checks eventually and will make the same, if not more than he does, and that’s all wonderful with him, but what he fears is me wanting to venture back out on my own with the dough.

I’d only leave him if he turned out to be a no-good jerk. However, if I made not a penny or a million bucks, what’s that got to do with us? That won’t change my love for him. I want to share any victories I have or money I make with him. Not alone. I just want us to do our best, take one day at a time and hope it is forever.

Now, what the hell was that? I just heard some knocking sound, but I can’t tell where it’s coming from. Oh well, I’m going to go and watch TV.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16, 1994 Wow! Have I been having a fan-fucking-tastic day or what?! I may be interrupted by a call from Andy, but for now, I’ll get as far as I can. First of all, when I got up today at 11:00, I finished something I began last night. On 20 pieces of computer paper, I’ve done different abstract designs with the watercolor paints. Yup, it’s getting easier and I’m getting used to it little by little. I did do a cactus and a palm tree, but I mainly did designs like rainbows and similar stuff like that. Where did I put it when I finished? In the boarded-up window in the living room. Before the garage was built, you could look out at the window to W. Weldon. It looks so good there along with my collector’s plates.

Andy was going to come over here and do his laundry, but instead, he fell asleep with a headache, so maybe Friday. They’re remodeling the laundry room where he lives.

Tom sprayed out the room that’s part of the garage where the dryer is and gave me a spare key.

Got yet another set of address labels today and two more to go. They all should be here by Saturday.

The city came, free of charge, to paint the block wall that someone painted on. I haven’t seen it yet, though.

I have yet to get to the great news and the funny news, but I will soon.

Later…

Well, Andy’s been on the phone now for a while, so I’ll just wait till I hear from him. He wants me to read him the weird letter he wanted me to type to a very snotty customer.

I called and talked to Dad today. He sounded great and Ma was out playing bingo.

I also called Tammy who was really pissed and is having more problems with Lisa’s ex-friend Stacey. I guess Stacey beat up Lisa at school or tried to. Lisa’s afraid and has to be escorted to classes. Bill called telling the principal that he’d better guarantee her safety…or else! Tammy said she wishes she could get her hands on this 11-year-old and that she wished I could call her. I did and said what she told me to say - that Stacey better keep her hands to herself or else she won’t have any hands or mouth. I told Tammy, too, that if trouble persists, she can give me their address and I’ll send catalogs and whatever to them in NPN envelopes. I can also send them weird letters and when they see the Phoenix postmark, they’ll be thoroughly confused trying to figure out who hates them all the way from Phoenix.

It hit 87º here and that wonderful news is still yet to come!

Later…

Andy’s got company, I just remembered, so I read him the letter on his VM.

Tom should be home soon, but first I think he’s stopping off for some groceries.

OK, here’s my good news. Just as I was finishing up painting, I had the doors open, when there was a big boom for the second time. Luckily it wasn’t nearly as loud this time around. Then, fire trucks and cruisers went heading down towards that same alley from Claredon St. People came out to see what was up. Same with the heavy metalling teen across the street and 3 of his buddies. He asked if I knew anything, then we got to talking. Once we hit the music subject, I told him my honest feelings about it. He then said they practice every Thursday and gave me his number, saying that if it ever got too loud to call.

Great! And he did sound sincere enough, although I will still just wait and see.

I also had a nice chat with Lenore next door. Yup, they’re Mormons. She’s going to drop kid #5 anytime now, and they home-teach their kids. That explains why they’re always home. These people must have bucks to support so many kids, and how they all fit into a 3-bedroom house, beats me. She says she hates the heat here and plans to spend the whole summer in Idaho where she’s from. Dean will fly to her every so often. I asked her if she ever heard my music and she said no and asked if I could hear their piano. Nope, but even if I did, that wouldn’t bother me.

How do they fit a piano in such a small house?

TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 1994 Oh no, here I go again thinking of a kid. Where are these goddamn urges coming from? Especially when I know damn good and well it’d be the worst thing for me. For several reasons. Oh well, all I can do is fight it and ignore it. A baby isn’t in my cards. Not even if I weren’t sterile.

I didn’t get up today till 11:15, so I’ll probably be up till 3:00 or 4:00 just vegging.

Later…

There was a catfight outside a little while ago, but in the meantime, Tom and I had the best talk ever about us getting married and having a kid. Now I feel like I can easily deal with daily thoughts to have one, even though they’re not daily. They’re about 5-10 days out of the month. We’re going to discuss a date tomorrow, but we’re both so sure. I never thought I could want it to be forever and have that person want that, too. I never think about or worry if it’ll end in a year, or 5 or 10. All I know is one day at a time and how I feel right now. We’re also both trying to keep an open mind to any possibilities such as having a kid or whatever. We won’t say I won’t and we won’t say I will have a kid, but 1996 is the year we’ll think about it seriously. We’re not against those who have kids before, during or after marriage, but whether I do or don’t, 1996 is a good year to decide, although I still have mixed emotions about it and probably always will. Plus, there’s still a 90-something percent chance that I may be sterile.

Well, it’s off to bed now.

Later…

Got up at 11:00 today, then Tom and I went to the library. We didn’t look for the article, cuz the more we thought about it, the more we figure they won’t have it. Greenfield’s not a huge enough paper.

We did get a DES book. I only scanned through it quickly, but it looks like DES-related cancers aren’t as bad as I thought. However, sterility is most certain. If not, a miscarriage is. In a way, even though I’m sure a kid’s not in my cards, this is a bummer, cuz it’s taking away my options and freedom of choice for 1996.

After the library, he got a haircut which looks very nice. I went into Ross’s clothing store while he was getting his hair cut. For a total of $23, I got a melon-colored denim vest and a short sleeve sundress. At the hair salon, I got a bottle of that detangler.

From there Tom and I went to a buffet. The food would’ve been good if it weren’t cold. After eating we came home.

Later…

Tom called the mortgage company and he set up an appointment for Tuesday.

Right now he’s watching a video of Wendy’s vacation back in New Jersey and New York.

I took Piggy out back for a while and we sat in the swing. Now I think I’ll go sit out back for a while.

MONDAY, MARCH 14, 1994 I was just talking with Andy and we were discussing ways to keep out of trouble, yet still have some fun.

We just left Ellie a message whom we’ll want to see some night. Also, I wouldn’t be too surprised if Rosemarie was still there and I’d like to leave a note on her car. I wonder if Mark and Robert are still there, but this I highly doubt. I’m sure Scott moved a long time ago, too. People who make so many enemies so fast tend to move a lot.

I just had an idea. A good one, too. It’s been about the summer of ‘92 since I’ve copied conversations from tapes in here in script form. I can take Tom’s microcassette recorder, record some stuff, then put it in here. This thing can also rewind and fast forward while the play button is down. The old little portable cassette player I used to use for this is in the computer room and it’d be a pain to bring it in here.

Later…

Before I do some script form convos, and before Tom comes home, let me update the day’s events. Actually, it begins shortly after I last wrote.

I must’ve had massive gas, cuz my stomach was throbbing. It was pretty weird and a bit scary too. It all began when I sat down to watch TV. First I could feel it, then I looked down and my lower right side of my stomach was literally throbbing and pulsing. I was very nauseous too, and at one point almost certain I was going to puke, but luckily I didn’t have to. Is it something I ate? My meds? PMS? Tension cuz of the assholes across the street? Plus, I know it isn’t going to let up for another two months. Once these people start, they don’t stop. Next Thursday - Sunday afternoon they’ll be up to the usual shit.

Am I going to drop to my knees again and beg God to stop it? Nah, he isn’t done letting me listen to other people’s noise. Every weekend, I’ll just have to feel like and be reminded of apartment living. It’s almost like something up there’s taunting me with it. The more I want peace and quiet the more noise it throws at me. Not a peep, though, from next door. There’s no way they could’ve been home last weekend. No way at all.

Kim called with Bob’s address. Guess it is Cedar Junction prison in Walpole, bordering Boston. She’s going to try to see him at the end of the week. Tomorrow I’ll be sending off a letter and she’ll be doing the same. I sure hope he gets it.

Andy had a weird encounter with a customer at work, but I’ll write about it after I have a cigarette.

Later…

OK, so about Andy’s customer. He overheard a man and a woman talking. The woman said, “So, how was your visit with Jodi?”

The man said, “This is the second time and this time we talked a lot more. She really opened up and seemed so much happier.”

Andy said he had no gray hair. Also, we only saw each other once, but it sure was weird. He said he almost asked the man if his name was Larry.

SUNDAY, MARCH 13, 1994 Last night I fell asleep at 1:30 and awoke with upper stomach pains at 5:00. I’ve never really had upper stomach pains before and Tom said it could’ve been heartburn. I don’t know, but at least I’m better now. I fell back asleep at around 7:00 and got up just after 11:00.

Yesterday I began to be aware of my period on its way, so I’ll be dealing with that really soon.

Later Tom and I will be going grocery shopping. I’m not really looking forward to that, and today it’ll be mobbed.

It’s nice out today, but very breezy. I like that, though.

Even though I have an Abba CD on now, it’s quiet outside. I don’t think they’re home next door.

Last night I made Tom a tape of Sting and Meat Loaf with the new tapes. One of them, anyway.

Later…

I’ve got some very good news. Andy’s going to be starting 2nd shift real soon! He’s going to be calling back real soon. He’s packing now, as he’s going to Vegas for two days, the lucky fem.

Earlier Tom went grocery shopping and he got some watercolors. They’re a far cry different than a pencil or a marker, but I’m practicing. I touched up a so-so Gloria drawing and made it pretty nice. Nicer than I’d expected. I also typed letters to my parents and Kim.

That’s all for now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 1994 Well, I’m still up, despite the fact that I don’t think I will be for too much longer. I turned down the idea of typing letters. I’ve got lots to tell everyone, too.

Come to think of it, I’ve gotten no calls from Fran or messages left by him.

Deep down, for curiosity’s sake, I wonder what is really going on in Nervous’s life. Is he still with Crystal? If so, how’s it going? I wonder who else he knows and what else he’s doing. That is, aside from working at the leather shop. I’ll never really ever know, now will I?

More so, I wonder how Bob’s coping with being in prison. Thank God he didn’t get in trouble while I was there. I sure needed him when Kim wasn’t around.

Tuesday we’re going to the library to look for Bob’s article in the Greenfield newspaper and perhaps pick up a book on DES.

Later…

I got up a couple of hours ago and I watched last Wednesday night’s show I forgot I had to finish.

It’s beautiful out now and so far it’s been very shockingly quiet. I don’t even know if they’re home next door.

Tom’s working now on the back room and I’m bored.

Later…

Tom and I finally planted our carrots and lettuce. In the back of this book, I wrote up a chart. This way we have the dates of when we plant things and what’s in each row.

It looks as if it might storm out there.

Next door’s been quiet, and if they’re doing their shit across the street, I don’t know about it. I have the radio on in my room and the living room, which also has speakers in the back room.

Oh, how could I forget! I’m 99 pounds and I don’t think I’ve been there for a few months.

Also, when I woke up I thought I was pre-cramping, but it was really gas. My tits don’t hurt, my stomach doesn’t hurt, and lastly, I’m not too bloated. I wish it could be like this every month.

Later…

Tom’s now watching the end of a movie I already saw on HBO. When he’s done, we’re going to fool around.

Yuck! I think I now feel some pre-cramps.

It rained a little out, so the garden oughta love that.

Later…

Tom and I just did a lot of work on the back room and it looks so much better.

I just cranked the music up as I’m sure that any time now they’re going to blast off. I’m not in the mood to be reminded of apartment living.

Got a message from Tammy. Going to go copy it in now.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11, 1994 I know it’s been a few days since I last wrote. Well, I’m sorry to have to say this but this journal’s going to be ending on a sour note. I do have some good news, and the bad news is nothing compared to my bad days back East, but it’s still bad enough. I have a few major subjects, then some little stuff to write. I’ll save the better stuff for last.

Did I, or did I not say my luck would run out with the assholes across the street? Well, it did. They played last night for nearly an hour and a half. I had been in a great mood too, and my mood was totally shot to hell. Tom says it’s too soon to worry, but I know it’s the same old cycle. They’ll do this 1-3 times a week now for months. Like 5-6 months before they back off for another 2 months if they ever do again. I refuse to deal with it all over again. I must think and act fast. Andy’s got to know someone who can do something. I can’t and I won’t deal with this shit all over again. Now the tension’s on once again. Only several months of peace can cure that, but I won’t get that peace unless I take serious action.

Now, I have one more, not-too-cool piece of news. Well, as for the cigarettes, well, we’re together till death do us part. I’ll just have to go young, but there’s no way I can ever get off them. Tom still says I will quit, and he’s been right about everything, so far, but I don’t see it.

Speaking of seeing things - I’m pretty good at picking winning horses. I’ll have to continue trying to develop it.

Cigarette break now.

Later…

OK, now on with the better news, among news in general. The kitchen’s more than half done. We tore down the paneling and Tom’s now repainting it off-white. Boy, does it look a lot better! Brighter and so much more cheerful.

I miscounted the days till my next period, thinking I was due on the 13th. I’m due on the 16th, but the great news is that I still feel no signs of it. I’m bloated, but my boobs aren’t sore and I have no pre-cramping.

Tom introduced me to another super neat thing on the computer. This thing that’ll either repeat back what you type or that’ll have a conversation with you. I taped one of our talks on a microcassette recorder of Tom’s. The bummer of it is, is that it doesn’t say what I type. Only its response.

Tom got out some of his musical instruments as he was rearranging the back room. A trombone, a trumpet, and a flute. I played a little trumpet for the first time in my life. You kind of have to spit into it to sound off the notes. It was hard, but I managed to sound off a few notes. The flute was easier and miraculously I was able to remember where certain notes are after so many years for one who didn’t play for long. Also, now that I have good pitch, I could tell what the notes were that I randomly keyed and played.

Last night, Tom and I sang some songs of Linda’s. He played the chords on the keyboard while I sang.

He also got a programming language thing that will save so much time on the business so we don’t have to stall in another 3 months.

Later…

There’s not much more to do with the kitchen and soon we’re going to work on the back room. Tom’s making himself something to eat, then we’re going to work on it.

Later…

Tom’s now hosing off a low/wide table that was here when he moved in. He’s going to put some of his books and equipment on it till we build wall shelves in the cubby hole at the far end of the back room. I’m going to be using a taller bookshelf that’s also of solid wood. The little wooden bookcase will replace the plastic ones my CDs and CD player are now on. I hate the plastic ones cuz they sag.

I called Kim last night and asked her if she’d found any information on Bob and where he is. Sure enough, just as I told Kim, Minnie never sent Kim the article about Bob in the Greenfield paper. Kim says she has the weekend off and will then try to find stuff out. Tom says it’s a matter of public record, which is true. Kim can find out at the courthouse where he is. Also, we may be able to see the article from our library here. That’d be nice. I’ll let Kim know of all this the next time I write her, but she probably will figure it out on her own.

Well, now I’m going to go see what Tom’s up to and if I’m needed.

Later…

Tom and I sure got lots and lots of work done in the back room. We’re on break now. He’s watching basketball and I’m lying on my bed.

We ordered dinner from My Mother’s. He got a pizza and I ordered a prime rib dinner, but it will probably be a while before it gets here.

Right now I want to change my sheets before it gets much later.

Later…

Boy, that was yummy! Plus, they screwed up in our favor. His pizza and my prime rib totaled about $19, but they charged us only $11. I’m so full now and I’m trying to burp it up as best I can. Perfect timing, though, cuz at 9 PM I need to take my meds.

After I finish this journal and begin the next one, I’ll probably listen to music.

Later…

OK, well, here I am on the last page! I just went back and put the color changer through all the pages I did today. Counting this page I’ve done 16 pages. Now it’s time for the one with all the cool stamps from all over the world. Journal #60! I really thought it’d be the year 2000 and something when I’d hit journal #60. Especially when I first began in 1987. I hate #50 just 4 months ago.

Later…

Tom’s going to bed in a few minutes and I am too, in a little while.

Tomorrow it’ll be another 80º day and Sunday it’ll be somewhere in the neighborhood of 85º.

Earlier I saw Marlee Matlin in Hear No Evil. I missed the first half-hour, but what I did see was good. It was also the first time I saw her topless.

Just when I thought my hair might quit growing for a while, it’s even longer. Just about touching the crack of my ass.

No concerts from across the street, thank God, but I still won’t hold my breath. Tomorrow and Sunday will be next door’s turn, although I’m not shocked I didn’t hear more of them last weekend.

I’ve got lots of new pens that won’t be drying up anytime soon, so I’m going to do each day a different color.

I asked Tom when he thought Bob would be able to write letters. He said maybe in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 1994 Cool! I’m only 5 days away from my period and feel no signs of it. No pre-cramping, no sore tits, but I am a little bloated. Aren’t I always? Actually, though, I’m not as bloated as I normally am only 5 days away.

I wish it were almost time for me to go to the ACS class. I’m really looking forward to it and I want it to work sooo badly.

I think I’ll go watch the 2½-hour shows I taped.

Later…

I’m watching Geraldo now and next is Charlie’s Angels.

Tom’s leaving soon to go get paint for the kitchen. He’s also getting a sander.

Everyone has their hang-ups. I just hate to watch TV with someone else. I like to watch TV alone. That’s when I want my space like when I listen to music. But Tom won’t let me watch TV alone. He could be in the computer room, then only intend to come into the kitchen, but instead, he stops and watches whatever I have on. If I want to keep him in the living room forever, all I’d have to do is keep the TV on. Well, I did want him to see how I could do all of program 2 on one of my workout videos. So, I put it in the VCR and did it knowing he’d sit right there through the entire thing.

He said he hates talk shows. Well, he loves them now, cuz that’s what he’s watching.

Later…

Tom came back an hour ago with all kinds of things to do the kitchen with. He even got new kitchen faucets.

He’s about to make us bacon and eggs, then we’re going to go plant the lettuce and carrot seeds.

I wish it were time for me to go to my class now.

Still no mail from Kim today. I don’t know what’s taking her so long to send the article and find more info. I’ll send her a letter soon.

I got another collector’s plate under the name of Ann W. Had to be from Andy or Fran. It’s black Labradors and it’s nice. Now I have a total of 6.

Later…

Well, in 2 hours and 15 minutes, we’ll be leaving for the class. I hope for the best.

In the meantime, we dug up patches of dirt, shook the dirt out, and took the grass out of the area where we’ll be planting seeds.

I really miss Andy. I hope to hell he gets a night job somewhere soon. Second shift would be perfect for him and I know he’d want that much more than third.

He’s now on the phone talking to his friend Eileen. Me? I’m just bored as hell till I leave. Think I’ll go make myself some coffee now.

MONDAY, MARCH 7, 1994 I meant to write yesterday, and yes, I do have lots to update on. Today’s surely different from those hot days we’ve been having. It’s raining and thundering. I like the change, though, whereas back east, that’s all it ever does and you pray for a day without rain, let alone cold and snow.

This weekend was fairly quiet. No music and no steady hour-after-hour ball bouncing, although I did hear it a little. When I went to put my mail out, I saw their ball laying in their driveway. Part of me wanted to take it and ditch it somewhere, but I didn’t want to be seen. Plus, I’m sure they’d just turn around and get a new ball. Still, it’d be nice if some kid came by and took it.

I hope it rains this weekend and then I’ll have had enough of it for a while. I do look forward to the monsoon season, though. It’s awesome. Also, as it gets hotter and hotter, fewer people will be out.

Tom’s working now, but tomorrow he’s on vacation till next Monday. We expect to be very busy, but I’ll tell you what we do as we do whatever we do. Last Saturday we finally began to take down that ugly old paneling. Soon we’ll paint the whole kitchen an off-white.

I can’t remember all the things we did Saturday, but things have been OK. All except for the fact that my camera’s broken. I was so bummed out, too, as I took some really cool pictures.

Yesterday I skated for nearly 3 hours and I loved it. I skated around the pool and on the patio. It was so much fun and I felt very relaxed and confident. I really am an OK skater. I certainly wouldn’t dare do a triple axle with no coach, but I can spin and jump enough to have fun with it. Tom and I want to get rollerblades so we can go on the streets. This way I can do more and I can go fast. The two pairs of skates I have aren’t good for the streets. One little pebble can send me flying all the way to the Grand Canyon.

Well, Tom and I talked about my little consultation tomorrow and I canceled it. I hate going to the doctor and if I ever have surgery again, it’ll be to hear out of two ears or if it’s something necessary to save my life. Tom really thinks it would depress me and he’s probably right cuz then we’d never know for sure what’s in store for the future, even though we think we already have a pretty good idea. I never thought I could or would have a great relationship and be able to handle it, so who knows? I even mentioned it to my mom and even she said it was a big deal and gave me the impression that I should forget about it.

I feel like I’m forgetting something, but if I remember it, I’ll write it in.

No mail from Kim today, so I wonder what the delay is.

I hosed down the pig’s cage yesterday. It sure was nice just to take it a few feet outside the back door, rather than 4 flights up and down or in the bathtub.

The sun’s out now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 5, 1994 For the third night in a row, I got up at 1:00. The next couple of days I’d better sleep later. Tuesday I have a very long and very busy day. Tom will probably be up by 8:00 and then we’ll begin working on the kitchen. It’ll be a major task, but hopefully fun.

Well, I must first go and get myself a bite to eat as I am hungry.

Later…

I definitely have to cut down on being in the sun for a while. Yesterday I noticed small traces of the beginnings of sun poisoning on my stomach. How am I ever going to get a serious tan without getting sun poisoning? If I were to spend another day or two outside I’d definitely have it over my whole body, and it itches like hell.

Since I ran out of my shampoo I’ve been using Tom’s Head & Shoulders, and yuck! It reeks like shit. When he lays with me in bed, he leaves that stench behind on my pillow. Masculinity stinks, as much as I love this guy. He’s the only guy I’ve ever met, though, that doesn’t have BO. Thank God for that much.

I’ll have to ask him if he heard the heavy metallers playing last night since I was asleep. I’ve got the radio all set to go today as I’m sure they’ll be out front playing ball all fucking day today.

Today, we’re going to take down that old-fashioned, ugly, disgusting wall paneling. Tom’s going to fix part of the ceiling, too, and soon enough we’ll repaint the kitchen. The counter, sink and cabinets will be redone one of these days, too.

Later…

I’m bored now. I wish I were just waking up. There’s nothing I can really do till Tom gets up. I also have to really push myself to stay up as long as I can. The birds just woke up. I hear them chirping away now.

Andy left a message laughing over the same thing I was laughing about on his machine. It’s sooo gorgeous here, while they have 3’ of snow back east!

Well, I’m off to go brush my teeth now and put on a little makeup.

Wonderful. Here goes that beast next door.

Later…

It must’ve been someone else’s dog I heard, cuz after I last wrote, I didn’t hear anything.

Tom got up around 7:00 and we went grocery shopping. There, I got 3 pens. Pink, purple and blue.

After we got home, we started pulling off the paneling. While he went to get my meds, I yanked the nails out of the wall behind the pieces we already got out. He’s doing the ceiling repair now. I’ve got the fan on exhaust blowing out dust and crap like that as well as a Fleetwood Mac CD, so when the kids next door go out to do their thing, it should muffle it.

I hope I get mail today.

It’s going to be another hot one out there and I’m not going to hang out much today. If the pool was warmer, that’d be different, but without going out and opening the doors, I got my fresh air. The bedroom and bathroom don’t get much fresh air, so I can’t wait till the EC is set up. This way I can air it out daily for a little while, at least, till the EC is on all the time.

Later…

Tom’s taking a break and eating hot dogs I just made for him. Soon, he’s going to a friend’s house to fix their computer.

FRIDAY, MARCH 4, 1994 Got a letter from Alex yesterday. He’s back in Deadfield at the same address. Then, why’d he move to Illinois? Must’ve taken a long vacation there. Maybe today I’ll get another letter from Kim. Maybe this time it’ll have more information. Like an address and that article. Alex typed the letter he sent this time around, which was great. I had asked him to type if he could and if he had a typewriter cuz his handwriting is incredibly sloppy. Most deaf people type well cuz they’ve plenty of practice due to using the TTY system so much.

Later…

I really hate that when I’m very much in the mood to write but have nothing to say. I need a fun everyday project to keep me busy. I’m getting bored with just the stuff I already do. I’m just not in the mood to type letters right now. Besides, I’m going to wait till my new order of envelopes arrives. They’ll get here in a day or two. I’m not in the mood to veg in front of the TV now. Plus, nothing’s on. I don’t feel like editing, but I am hungry. I’ll go zap another piece of pizza.

Later I’ll work out and hang out outside as it’ll be 83º.

Later…

Today’s just as gorgeous as I said it’d be. I got even more color. The only thing not too peaceful was the dog next door. At least it didn’t keep going and going, though. The kids next door are out front. Why do they always go to the front? I’ve only heard them out back once or twice. This is good for when I’m out back, but when I’m in the house I’m at the front of the house most of the time.

I just checked and they’re gone now, thankfully. I think they got company. Some blue truck is now parked in front. This weekend, I’m sure I’ll have to listen to them play ball. The guy (Dean) just left in their red van. I just thank God the dog doesn’t go on and on like when they first got here. That our place isn’t attached to theirs. That the music people across the street have shut up and that the dog across the street is gone. I pray to God constantly not to let my luck run out. This is my time now for peace and quiet after so many years of being so affected by other people’s noise. I live in a house now. It’s my right just as well as anyone else’s right.

I just checked again. Those kids apparently were only out a second.

The scars from the NHA, Vista Ventana and Crystal Creek will be with me for years to come, if not always. At least it’s getting better. The longer I see this place fairly quiet most of the time, the more my tensions and memories will fade.

No one’s ever going to wake me up again. And if they do, I’ll be sure to give them a wake-up call in the middle of the night. I can promise this for sure.

I hope the mailman brings me a letter from Kim today. That is because my parents won’t write until next year, Fran and Bob never will, and Alex will write again in May or June.

Boy, do I ever need something to eat now. I think I’ll heat up the last piece of pizza. Tom got a few things from the store early this morning before work.

We’ve got huge plans for tomorrow, but I’ll get into that later.

Later…

I’m going to do a little bit of writing, so as to keep myself awake a little longer.

About an hour ago - boy did I have a big scare. I was watching TV when all of a sudden – boom! I asked myself…was that a gun? A firecracker? It even popped the mailbox open. I called 911, then eventually I looked out front. I saw nothing and the dispatcher said a transformer could’ve blown.

After we hung up, people outside were talking about it and two guys driving by in a car asked me if I knew anything. Then a female cop that looked like a lesbian came to the door. She was a better-looking version of Linda the cab driver back in Springfield. She wasn’t the ugliest, but no one I’d ever sleep with. She was nice, though. She at first asked if I knew any drug dealers around cuz maybe a drug lab blew up, but it turns out that someone blew up the dumpster in the alley behind the houses across the street. Boy, if we lived over there, or they blew up ours in our alley while I was out back there, I’d most certainly be deaf.

No mail for today.

Tomorrow we’re going to start working on the kitchen, but I’ll put off writing about that one till tomorrow.

THURSDAY, MARCH 3, 1994 I got up at 1 AM and Andy left a message saying he wants his messages taped. He got the same message I got. US West says that this Sunday from midnight - 9 AM, the VM will be shut down so we can’t get our messages and no one can leave us messages, either. I wonder what the hell they are doing this time? They better not fuck up the system, though, or bump off the stutter dial tone that tells us we have messages.

Now, I’m going to go and continue watching my shows. I’m so fucking hungry too, but there’s hardly any food.

Later…

Well, I managed to scrounge up a hamburger and I had a bowl of cereal. Later I’ll make pork chops.

I taped Andy’s messages, called in my refills and scheduled an appointment for a consultation on a hysterectomy.

Boy, do I feel mixed emotions. When I hung up I felt a sense of depression and fear, but I know I’m doing the right thing. The thought of being held up in the hospital is scary, though, and I don’t want to burden Tom. I hope those scary stories of depression aren’t true, but everyone’s different. It won’t hurt to at least get information. I think it’ll be a worthy investment for the years to come. I can’t keep dealing with PMS and periods. Well, I could, but I sure don’t want to. Also, I can be able to go from 100% sure I can’t and won’t have kids to 200% sure. I hope it’ll curb my sexual appetite, too.

Later…

I almost chickened out several times and called to cancel my appointment, so I’m just trying not to think about it for now.

I am absolutely looking forward to checking out those quit-smoking sessions next week. I can’t wait.

I’m also looking forward to hanging in the sun out back in about an hour. It’s boring, though.

Tom warned me that I should stop blasting my music, but that’s the only way I really enjoy it and can get into it. Turning it down seems as impossible as my growing another foot taller. He says my hearing sucks. Nah, I don’t think so. It’s just so-so, but yes, it does suck when there’s background noise, like in a restaurant.

Oh! I’ve been meaning to write this in but I keep forgetting. God answered another prayer for me. For a couple of months now, the dog across the street has been gone. Yeah! I love it! It’s so much quieter and more peaceful when I’m in the living room with no TV or music on and especially when I’ve got the door open. The dog next door is so much quieter, the kids aren’t out very often, gone is the dog across the street and gone is the heavy metal band! Thank you, God! You did hear my prayers, after all. Now, please help me quit smoking for good.

I’m out back by the side of the pool now and yes, it’s going to be a warm one. It already feels warm and it’s still early. Where’s the cloudiness they predicted, though? I like it when it’s cloudy so the sun doesn’t kill my eyes.

Later…

Well, I did get some color and this is the warmest day so far this year that I remember of. If I stayed out much longer I’d definitely fry. Tom’s right. I have to do it little by little.

Damn! I just noticed my $300 check here that Tom forgot. He was to cash it at lunch.

So, anyway, I have the door open and the fans on to circulate the air. It’s sooooooooo beautiful. And Tammy’s freezing with 3’ of snow. Ha, ha, ha!!

What other little tidbits of news can I tell? Let’s see… I showered and did my hair. I need more shampoo. My legs are a little hairy, but I don’t feel like solving that problem now.

I watched parts of some talk shows and Charlie’s Angels.

The sink’s clogged up once again.

I hope the mailman isn’t too long in coming and that I get a letter from Kim with more information. Getting one from Bob is just wishful thinking and dreaming, I suppose.

Just took an Ibuprofen for a slight headache. Luckily that stuff is cheap and doesn’t cause any side effects to have to deal with.

I worked out a little and I should do more.

I’m 10 days away from my next period, so now is when I’m going to start to bloat out.

I haven’t done any wall art lately, but I will sooner or later. All the things I do have their phases. I have to think of new ideas and add more variety to the flowers. Being just your average artist, though, that’s not always such an easy thing.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 1994 Tom’s in the shower now and soon he’ll be gone for work.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I laid out and got some color.

When I got up at 10:00 last night I watched the Grammy Awards I taped. Gloria won for her album Mi Tierra and she looked good. Her hair’s growing back, but when I saw her on Larry King she looked great. I loved how she had her hair straighter and it made her look younger, too.

When I woke up my stomach was fine, thankfully. It sure is weird though, how I get that for a few days every now and then.

I typed up 5 letters, too. To my parents, Tammy and the girls.

Almost an hour ago, Tom and I went to Circle K. We got something to eat and drink and I got cigarettes.

Speaking of cigarettes, well, it’s hard to keep a positive outlook when you’ve tried several methods of quitting and they all failed. However, I’m going to call the American Cancer Society and see what they say.

I’m also going to call my doctor’s office to see if there’s any way I can get a hysterectomy. I want to at least get information. I know it’s not elective surgery, as Tom said, but I’ve seen several news documents on women who had it done when they never needed it. Doctors will do anything to make a buck. I know this firsthand. I know some women have claimed to have horrible side effects, and Tom’s sister does too, but every woman’s different. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to have periods when I’ll never have a kid, even if I weren’t sterile.

It’s going to be another gorgeous day, so, I can’t wait to go out.

Later…

I have excellent news. First of all, it looks like I can probably get a hysterectomy done and paid for. I called my doctor’s office and they said I could either go there or to my GYN (guess that would be Dr. Kolnick) for a consultation. I guess the state would cover it cuz it’s considered sterilization. I’ll talk to Tom and perhaps we can check it out. Maybe after April, cuz this is when he thinks we can go to Disneyland.

Now here’s the best news of the day. I called the American Cancer Society and every other month they have 4 quit-smoking classes free of charge! They begin at 6:30 and run for 1-1½ hours. The next 4 classes are on the 8th, 10th, 15th and 17th and I’m really looking forward to giving it a shot.

Hey, it’s noon Eastern time now, so I want to go try calling that girl Minnie. Hope she and everyone else is thrilled at the fact that they’re in for yet another killer snowstorm! Hee hee!

Later…

It sure is beautiful out and I did lay out some, but it’s just so boring. Especially with not being able to swim. The only thing I miss about apartments is that their pools and Jacuzzis are heated year-round. I did get a little more color, so I won’t bitch about that.

I tried calling Minnie, but there was no answer. I’ll go try again.

Just got another letter from Kim. There was no article in it and this letter also sounds as if she had yet to find out about Bob.

I finally got in touch with Minnie, but she didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. She couldn’t give me his address.

Later…

I just watched this talk show all about teenage girls in gangs. How sad, sick and disgusting.

I set the VCR to record A Current Affair, Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order and Now. I really paid close attention as I was programming it, so if it doesn’t come out, I won’t be to blame.

Andy’s off tomorrow, so we’ll probably gab on the phone with one another at some point.

I’m pretty bushed now, so I’m going to hit the sack.

TUESDAY, MARCH 1, 1994 Tom’s address labels did come yesterday and he really likes them.

I got up at 8 PM and he’d been home for an hour. He made us Hamburger Helper. Then he watched Star Trek and I took a bath. Then he licked my pussy and we did laundry. At 11 PM he went to bed.

I idiotically taped the wrong fucking channel. I went to record a movie on channel 12 but got fucking Murphy Brown and some other bullshit on channel 10 instead.

I took some graph paper Tom gave me and made two envelopes. One to Kim and one to Fran. I colored in the squares. I typed Kim a letter and tomorrow I’ll probably get a letter from her.

I updated my checkbook. This month I’ll be getting $446 with SSI and SS combined. I got Tom’s $300 check ready. Also, I wrote a check for $10.79 for my monthly sewing machine payment, $34 for 100 stamped envelopes, and $22.80 for 3 new styles of labels. They’re very hard to describe, so when I do get them, I’ll stick them in here. Or the next book, more likely. Cuz they won’t arrive till the middle of this month and by then I very well oughta be in journal #60!

Now I need some coffee.

Later…

I just spent the last hour or so making up 5 more envelopes with really cool patterns. I did one for my parents, Tammy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah.

My stomach’s driving me absolutely nuts now.

Anyway, Tom got up at 8:00 and then he did the bills. He wrote out the checks and I stuck them in their envelopes, stuck the stamps on and his address labels.

He made us some bacon and he had French toast.

Well, I’ve figured out in my mind the 4 different fonts I’ll use for Tammy and the girls. I’ll use Bodacious for Tammy, Harquil for Lisa, postscript for Becky, and Rounders for Sarah.

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chalcanthite · 7 years

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krarepairweek | day 5: colours/clans

collab with @endless-season!!!

#krarepairweek2018 #kusanagi izumo #totsuka tatara #project k #izutotsu #it's gotta be the 9th...somewhere...still...maybe....#fanart #local wannabe artist can only draw 2 poses: the sequel #the late great izumotatara takeover of 2k18 #ft. playboy bunnies er--gold clan cosplay

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etherealdiva · 2 years

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Astro Observations: Solar Returns

Source: Predictive Astrology the eagle and the lark by Bernadette Brady

Aspect Edition: 2022

☀️Neptune- ascendant: changing your personality from how you’re seen from the outside perspective. This happens usually by an unfortunate event or when traveling to escape. Ending the image that you present to the world.

-how it manifested for me: my mom passed away this year and I feel I lost my identity and am just dissolving my upbeat positive personality that everyone saw me as happy go lucky. I feel my humor is darker and I just resonate more with despair and darkness even though in general I’m still a positive person. It’s like life is whooping my ass but I’m still smiling lol.

☀️Neptune- sun: confused about your role in life, wanting to escape and travel.

- how it manifested for me: I feel absolutely lost in life because of everything I’ve lost this year (my full time job as well) and I had identified myself as that role. I’m sometimes conflicted with my role in the astrology world as well. Anything in the esoteric because I feel I’m living a life in the 3D and then another life somewhere else (online actually). I don’t feel I fit in anywhere with people but I can mesh well with others. Also, I’m dying to travel and start a new life. I wanna travel internationally.

☀️Uranus- MC: expect a sudden change in your job/career and your social status. For better or worse.

- how it manifested for me: my company laid me and 109 employees off 🙃 I guess I’m not suppose to be there 😅

☀️Saturn- Uranus: frustrated because achieving your goals is a slow progress.

- how it manifested for me: I’m so impatient cause it feels like everything is so damn slow. I have goals I wanna reach but it feels like I have to work even harder. Normally with my fitness goals I’ve had great luck and maybe it’s because I’m not as strict as I was before. I still think for the most part I look good with my body but I was at my fittest in 2019. I was also frustrated cause I worked hard and I wanted a raise and then we all got laid off so now I gotta start over.

☀️Saturn- moon: feeling of loneliness and wanting to isolate. Feeling like no one supports you.

- how it manifested for me: I moved to another state all by myself. Despite it being a busy and social city, I felt alone and wanting to isolate myself. I felt like I met people but couldn’t make connections 🥲

☀️Saturn- ascendant: being seen as more responsible and mature. Being as an authority.

- How it manifested for me: despite my Leo rising mannerisms and how I get along very well the youngins, I feel my piscean old soul def came out more. Also much more responsible especially since I lived on my own.

☀️Uranus- moon: events occurring so fast that you don’t have time to process them or react. Being free of your emotions.

- How it manifested for me: so much happened this year that I don’t think I processed my moms death, losing my job, being dumped and also moving away. I know it happened but like I think I reacted for a bit and then moved on to distract. I’m in therapy which is nice but yeah. Also could be that my moon is in Taurus in the 12th house so I feel much more emotionally stable but also repressed cause I still don’t believe it or I do but I’m like idk…it happened?? Weird?? I’m dreaming right?

☀️Uranus- sun: wanting to be free and re-classify yourself

- how it manifested for me: literally moved away because I felt trapped at home. I was more open about my love for astrology in my new city than I am in my hometown.

☀️Neptune- North Node: finding your spiritual path and a group/your “tribe” that’s in the category of the healing arts and esoteric. Diving into the metaphysical which pushes forward the person into a new life direction

- how it manifested for me: met you all in the Astro tumblr community 🥹🥺❤️ also dug deeper into astrology! I’ve studied it since 2018 but I went 💯 on it this gear. I also have a 9th house stellium in Aquarius in my SR.

☀️Pluto-Venus: intense fated connection with an intimate relationship or an emotional ending of one.

Note: Pluto represents mother figures and family members and people connected with death & dying.

- how it manifested for me: I did meet a man and he has a Gemini rising and Taurus moon in the 12th in his natal. My SR is Gemini rising and Taurus moon in the 12th. He impacted me greatly and how I viewed men. He was great and I’m grateful for him 💛

2021: significant events

☀️Neptune- Venus: illusions in romantic relationships. Love life could be wonderful or will leave you to deal with the harsh truth after it’s ended. Could possibly be conned.

- how it manifested for me: met a guy who is an Aquarius rising (my ascendant sign was Aquarius that year also) and when we dated I felt happy when being with him. But he ghosted (then he came back again and ghosted again) and I had to face the harsh reality of that. I’m sadly still recovering but I’ve made a lot of healing progress! I just know better now.

☀️Uranus- ascendant: changes to a persons life such as name and physical body. A huge drive for change/freedom.

- how it manifested for me: I got cosmetic surgery 😅 but I love it 🥰

I love astrology 💛 enjoy!

#astrology #astrology tumblr #astrology notes #astro community #zodiac #astrology observations #astrology101 #astro #astrologer #solar return #solar return placements #aspects in astrology #astrological aspects

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k-llama-llama · 4 years

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Income

Stray Kids AU: 9th member

Tori x Stray Kids

The boys start to pick up on something during a vlive.

A/N: Please check out my PATREON (patreon.com/kllamallama) for exclusive posts you can’t get anywhere else, as well as lots of other cool benefits!

Requests are OPEN and your feedback is still greatly appreciated!

Masterlist and other Follow Me links in bio!

“Tori, can you dance to Blueming?” Seungmin read the comments.

Tori wrinkled her nose at the camera. “Wouldn’t you rather see me dance to something else?”

Minho watched as the comments rolled in. “Are you afraid to show them? Have you already forgotten the choreography?”

Tori shook her head with a laugh. “Not a chance. But Stay just watched me promote for two weeks, I’m sure they’d like to see me do something else.”

“If you won’t show them Blueming, then I guess we’ll have to.” Seungmin pushed himself up off the floor.

“Yah, don’t embarrass me.” Tori laughed.

“I won’t.” Minho gave the camera a thumbs up. “I taught her everything she knows.”

“That’s not true.” Tori whispered as she pulled up the song on her phone.

She rarely did solo vlives, preferring to feature in someone else’s or just wait for group ones. But having just finished her solo promotions she’d figured that it would be nice to do a solo vlive and thank the fans for being so wonderful during her first ever solo.

Of course, then Seungmin and Minho had decided to join in on her ‘solo’ vlive.

“I hope everyone is ready for this.” Tori laughed as she hit play on her song.

“The dance is a lot harder than it looks.” Tori said, looking at the camera and readings the comments as the boys freestyled behind her. “It took me along time to learn it, but I wanted to make sure that Stay would enjoy my performance.”

“Stop talking, here we go!” Seungmin shouted.

Tori scooted over so that the camera had a good view of whatever the boys were planning.

Which was apparently an overexaggerated rendition of her song. Minho looked close to throwing out a hip, and Seungmin looked like he was putting everything into it, but was probably going to roll an ankle.

“Yah, Lee Know!” Tori shouted. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“I’m a flower blooming!” He protested, before beginning to sing. “I feel Blooooom, Bloooom!”

Seungmin made a noise that sounded somewhere between a whistle and a squeak. “I gotta know, Tor – how did you do this in those dresses.”

“Everything is easier in a pretty dress.” Tori explained. “Look, I still have my nails done.” She showed the camera the delicately done blue roses. “I need to pick a new design. Do you think I should get a mermaid design or clouds?”

She was asking the camera, but the boys didn’t hesitate to give their input as well.

“I vote mermaid.” Seungmin said.

“I vote clouds.” Minho answered.

“I wasn’t asking you guys.” Tori leaned forward to read the comments. “You guys all have different opinions. How about I post on Instagram tomorrow, and everyone can vote there, okay?”

“Vote clouds!” Seungmin shouted.

“Be quiet, weirdo.” Tori gave him a shove. “Thank you all so much for hanging out with us tonight, and for supporting me during the Blueming promotions. I promise to do another vlive soon!”

The guys said their goodbyes, and then Tori blew one final kiss and shut off the camera.

“Phew.” She collapsed back to lay on the ground. “We did it.”

“We did it?” Minho crouched down next to her. “You just talked the whole time.”

“And then just wanted to dance to other songs.” Seungmin added. “As much as we love Twice, I think everyone wanted to see you dance to your song.”

“They’ve been watching it for two weeks.” Tori did a backwards somersault to stand up. “I can dance to something else. I still need to work on the Open Mind choreography though.”

“You dress different now.” Minho said, looking up at her.

“What?” She glanced at Seungmin, who just shrugged. “What do you mean?”

“She’s just in her practice clothes.” Seungmin said. “Maybe a little less homeless than usual.”

“Thanks, man.” Tori rolled her eyes, turning to look in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors. She was wearing low rise baggy sweatpants and a black cropped tank top. It didn’t seem any different from what she’d normally wear.

“I don’t mean right now.” Minho said. “I mean in general. Yesterday you wore a Chanel shirt to practice.”

“Sumi gave it to me.”

“And the day before, you had sneakers that were easily a thousand dollars.”

“You know….” Seungmin tilted his head. “You were using that new bag – the black one with the pearl stuff on it. Is that Chanel too?”

Tori crossed her arms. “The shirt and bag were from Sumi. She has a brand deal. And the sneakers I bought with my own money.”

“Since when do you wear designer stuff?” Minho asked.

“Since now?” Tori rolled her eyes. “What are you talking about? I’m not allowed to dress nice?”

“Sure, you can. I’m just trying to find out why you won’t perform your solo song but are dressing in nice clothes you pay for with your solo stuff.” Minho tilted his head.

“What do you mean I won’t perform my solo song?” She exclaimed. “I performed it like a hundred times over the past few weeks.”

“So you’re tired of it?”

“Sure…I…I guess so.” She hesitated slightly, and they both noticed.

Seungmin sat straight up. “You’re lying. Why are you lying?”

“I’m not lying.” Tori protested.

“You’re not tired of your solo song, and you bought all of those clothes for yourself.” Minho declared. “It’s not a bad thing.”

“Just tell us why you’re being weird about it.” Seungmin told her. “Why don’t you want to perform or admit you bought things for yourself?”

Tori sighed, looking at the ground. “Was it that obvious.”

“Yes.” Minho said.

“Not really.” Seungmin said.

Tori sighed again. “I don’t know….you guys put a lot on hold for me to be able to promote this song. I just don’t want to drag it out any more than I already have.”

“You aren’t dragging it out. Your song is awesome.” Seungmin told her. “You can be excited about it for as long as you want, because we’re excited about it too.”

“And why would we care about what clothes you wear?” Minho asked. “We’ve literally never cared.”

“I know…but it’s more of…you know, that I’m making…”

“Money?” Minho finished. “Is this because you’re making money?”

“We’re all making money.” Seungmin looked confused.

Tori just looked at the ground.

“But you’re making more.” Minho realized. “Is that what this is about? You feel weird because you’re making more money than us?”

“It’s just with the girl group and then this…plus the thing I did with Zoey…I just didn’t want to make it weird.”

“Tor, we don’t care.” Seungmin laughed. “We’re proud of you, everyone is.”

“I know, and I love you guys for it.” She frowned. “I just didn’t want to…rub it in, I guess. By starting to wear all of the nice clothes.”

“It’s your money, you can spend it however you want.” Minho said.

“I bought the shirt when I was out with Sumi. And the sneakers were Yinnie’s idea and I didn’t want to seem weird but I-“

“Tor, you don’t have to explain it.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. “You can dress as nice as you like. All it means is that you’re doing awesome, and we’ll expect nicer Christmas gifts.”

She bit her lip. “I’m good at Christmas gifts.”

“Cool. So stop being weird about your song.” Minho flopped onto his back. “Dress however you want and we’re not going to have a problem.”

“What if I just start wearing all Gucci or something?”

Seungmin snorted. “You aren’t making that much money.”

“I could be!”

“You’re not.” Minho replied. “And honestly you’ve been ordering your clothes from Amazon for too long. This is probably good for the group in the long run.”

“Amazon has a lot of nice stuff.”

“Not as nice as Chanel.”

“This is true.”

#stray kids #stray kids au #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids ships #stray kids 9th member #female kpop #female member kpop #female!kpop #requests open #au #kpop #imagines #imagine #kpop au #kpop imagines #kpop imagine

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dreamyaqua · 2 years

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hello this is quite long but i'm concerned about my safety, i'd appreciate it if you could give me insight about what i can do and any indications if i were to send my birth data.

as far as i know my scorpio rising & saturn in the 9th house is at play here.. came to visit some relatives and yesterday morning i decided to take a walk at the beach. this man stopped me and started a conversation with me even though i tried walking away. normally i would ignore him but sometimes you gotta not be rude and just smile and nod until they leave you since you don't know what they're capable of & you're pretty much cornered. he said he was working close by. i told him i was 16 but he still proceeded to call me beautiful 20 time. he asked if i smoked and asked if i wanted a cigarette. i said no to both. asked for my number. i didn't give it to him. he insisted for a couple minutes. eventually i got up and lit a cigarette a bit further away. then i literally saw him staring at me from a distance. i immediately got up and continued smoking somewhere else, when i was finished i saw him coming to my direction. mind you there's no other place to walk in the area. later that day i saw the man again but just walked away fast. when i came home out of the blue my aunt asked if i had anybody bothering me and told me a story about the time she got stalked at a park. today as i was leaving my other aunt told me to be careful about the people working by the beach. as if the universe tried warning me twice. and yet again i saw the man a while ago but am much further away now as i'm typing this.

tldr: i got me a creep and need to know if there's any indications in my chart through transits etc. and possibly if anything i can do.

Hi there! First of all I want to say I'm really sorry to hear you've had to go through these scary experiences with this creep! 😣

Although I do think there's certain placements to look at when it comes to situations like these, I don't think there's much astrology can do about this... honestly, I'd advise you to tell someone you trust about this creepy man. May it be your aunts, or someone else in your family who can help you and keep you safe. If you believe you are in danger, you may want to call local authorities/the police and see whether you can get help there - even better if you can do this together with a family member who can help you with this. I'm definitely not against looking towards astrology in situations like this but if you really are in danger, astrology won't be of much help. So, I hope there's someone you can go to, I really wouldn't keep this information to myself. And maybe you could get something like a pepper spray to carry around with, just in case? It's always better to at least have something you could use to protect yourself with and escape. Please, please, stay safe and hopefully this creep will finally leave you alone!! 😣🙏🏻

I'll still list the things I know/have found out here, though. But I also have to say that I don't think my knowledge of the matter goes deep enough yet for something serious like this and I honestly don't know whether there's something from an astrological perspective that you could do... the best thing might be to just be aware of these energies and stay vigilant and safe. (But if there's any astrologer stumbling over this post and has some advice, please feel free to add on!!)

I think an indicator here could be Scorpio placements, a strong Pluto influence (perhaps 8th house as well), and especially harsh aspects between venus and Pluto. The Scorpio/Pluto energy has the potential to attract obsessive/possessive people and in a harsh aspect to venus, this could get ugly. So you're right, your Scorpio rising may very well play a part in this.

Something else I found is Uranus in the 7th house and/or conjunct the descendant. I'm honestly not sure about this one but since Uranus is involved, there's a tendency of attracting "weirdos", I guess. Uranus is currently in Taurus and therefore transiting your 7th house, so this might be another indicator.

Furthermore, I found something about Pisces/Neptune/12th house placements. The Pisces influence can easily be taken advantage of by others and so, people with a strong Piscean influence may need to be vigilant about creeps (or anyone for that matter) who doesn't respect their boundaries and privacy.

And a last indicator I think has an influence on this is having a dominant black moon lilith in your chart (meaning, lilith forming strong aspects to your sun/rising especially but other important/dominant placements).

I hope something here was of help and again, please stay safe!!🥺🙏🏻

#I have all of these placements and really attract a lot of creeps and also had a stalker for a while #i honestly don't know what to do about it #i just always try to stay vigilant carry pepper spray and make sure i don't walk around alone when it's dark #astrology #astro asks #pluto #scorpio #pisces #neptune #lilith #uranus

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skimcasual · 3 years

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tbh, I hate using social media today. It’s an otherwise perfectly fine Saturday, except it’s *that* day so I gotta go mute words such as “victim” “victims” “towers” and “9/11″ to make it less obviously *that* day. And I live in New York (the state not the city, but we are only about 2 hours drive from NYC). What I dislike the most about today is the nationalism and the racism (xenophobia).

I thought I might write down what I can remember of *that* day so that I may never have to recollect it or think about it again unless I want to. I remember I was in 10th grade. The teachers were muttering something to each other, and then I changed classes to go to science. At science class, the TV was on. Every classroom had a TV that was primarily to watch VHS tapes on (some classes were lucky enough to have a DVD player attached to the TV) but it was playing the news.

I had never seen the news on the TV in school. The science teacher hardly used the television let alone put live TV on it. So I knew something really weird or big must have happened if the TV needs to be on and if the teacher’s staring at it. I don’t remember exactly what time it is, but it was morning.

I don’t remember the exact details on if we were watching the TV before both planes hit or only one plane hit, but I remember the rest of the week was really weird. People were sad-ish but nobody in the school that I knew personally had any direct family that had died. I think one of the teachers -- maybe my English teacher Ledet -- mentioned that their dad had helped build the towers.

I was very bipolar disordered most of my teen years, so during a low, I drew scary black and red drawings to see what it was I was feeling out onto paper so I could see it. My mom later found those drawings and scolded me for drawing frightening drawings when everyone is very sensitive because of the recent events. I also wrote some stories to exploit the recent event that my friends told me were in poor taste so those stories never saw the light of day ever again.

There was two south asian girls in my regents math class with the new young blonde teacher that I did not like. One girl had her hair tied back and another girl had her head in hijab. Like it was always perfectly pinned around her cute still-child-like face. Either both or just the girl in hijab suddenly stopped coming to school. Also some of the white boys and a few of the white girls were getting very aggressively nationalistic and talking about what they saw on the news or heard their adults talking about, which was mostly about how “America’s gonna go to war against terrorism!!!”, which I felt was none of my business but also I knew that was somewhere between xenophobia and racism.

Everybody white was really tense for a couple of weeks minimum over how they gotta get revenge.

I didn’t realize how much white folks were buying into this nonsense about where the terrorists came from and how America is going to go get them until I visited a white friend’s house. Their relative had come over for whatever reason, and when I mentioned there is no proven evidence that those specific terrorists are responsible, he got really mad at me (a fully grown male adult at me -- a 16 year old asian girl) that I didn’t believe the brown terrorists were responsible. I did not believe that information because 1. the information sure appeared quickly! way too conveinently quickly 2. the information is impossible to verify or has questionable sources

Anyway after that I stopped talking to white people about 9/11. I stuck to overhearing them.

And so much for all that talk about how racism isn’t that bad or that it was over that my white friends told me about in junior high and 9th grade when I’d mention various racist experience I would have: there was local news about south-asian taxi drivers in NYC getting beat up. I thought they said NYC is really diverse and less racist, yet white men were beating people up for not being white. It would still be another 5 years until I really fully understood how much racism was not over, but I think that was my first peep into how Japanese Internment was completely possible to happen again (and happened) to whatever group of non-white people that white people didn’t like.

By “NYC is diverse” they mean there was a variety of white and white-passing immigrants are welcomed there, but idk if the rest of us are truly welcome there. Apparently we can get beat up for driving taxis while looking like the wrong type of minority race?

It was after this that there was a lot of boomers on the news complaining that it’s too hard to take their shoes off to board airplanes, and there was baggage fees (there used to not be baggage fees), you had to take tiny bottles onto airplanes, you could no longer get through airport security with a bottle filled with water, the fact that there was airport security period???? And lots of cops everywhere and everybody white became very very very pro-cop and pro-firefighter.

That’s how I remember this day and as a non-white person it’s frustrating to know this all could have been avoided if white people saw more brown people than Aladdin and Prince of Persia. I guess every year when it’s today, I wish there would just be more stuff done to bring awareness to racism and xenophobia so that no more southasians get beat up by paranoid angry violent white people, but all folks ever do is hold candles for firefighters and give podiums to survivor families.

Oh, and for 3 years after *that* day I stole as many yellow ribbon magnets off cars as I could and threw them into the trash. I knew it was a made up war, and I thought people in support of the military are terrible. Another big contributor to why I don’t like military people is because I grew up in Korea.

#rant #abolish ice #no more dhs

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wlntrsldler · 4 years

Text

Rituals (Bucky Barnes Imagine)

Prompt: You died on a mission and all Bucky has left is the voicemail you left him before you got on the Quinjet.

Warnings: Death, angst, tears.

MAIN MASTERLIST

It became his ritual.

He would roll over his bed, reach for the phone resting on top of his wooden desk. He used to simply throw the phone carelessly, the growing cracks on the screen being a testament to that, and you would scold him for it.

He cared very little for the material things. The inventions of this new century posed more trouble than benefits, as far as he was concerned. It was you who even convinced him to get a cellphone. He grew fond of talking to you and he hated the fact that you had to say goodbye at the end of the day. He never wanted to stop talking to you.

“That’s what phones are for, Buck.” You laughed, scribbling your phone number on his flesh hand. “Call me.”

He rushed to Tony’s lab right after you left, practically begging the man to give him a phone. Tony rolled his eyes at him- rightfully so, he tried to convince Bucky to finally get one for months prior- but agreed, fishing out a new phone from his office.

Bucky stayed on the phone with you the whole night that night.

If it was under any other circumstance, he wouldn’t care so much for the damn thing but right now, this is all he had left of you. The short voicemail that you left him right before you boarded the Quinjet. The sound of your voice, the last trace of you that he had left. It was in the stupid thing.

Bucky’s fingers would second-guess themselves, not fully trusting his knowledge of how to work it. He was afraid that he’d somehow, accidentally, delete the last memory of you. He didn’t know what he’d do with himself if he did that.

Like a broken record, he did exactly what he did every night since you passed. His thumb pressed the “play” button in his voice mailbox. He placed the phone in the middle of his chest and let his eyes close, imagining you beside him.

“Hey baby,” your voice cooed.

He could almost hear the fondness in your voice. That pet name. Baby. It still made him weak in the knees, even after all this time.

“I was called into a mission this morning. You know when Fury calls, we have to answer.” You laughed. “I wish I could hit decline but I don’t want my ass handed to me. And I’m sure he’d blame you for making his best agent so lazy.”

Bucky could almost see it. The crinkles by your eyes. The shape of your lips. The red on your cheeks. It was so familiar. It’s engraved in his head forever.

“I wish we could just stay in and cuddle all day, but we have a job to do.” You paused for a second. He heard shuffling in the background. He assumed you were loading things into the Quinjet. “I was looking forward to making waffles with you. Maybe try out that recipe we found earlier this week for the chocolate chip ones. Those seemed good.”

Bucky mumbled an, “Mmhm.. They did.”

“We need to catch up on Criminal Minds soon. I heard the final season got a little crazy.”

He felt your excitement through the phone. Truth be told, he stopped paying attention to the show somewhere in the 9th season. He found you and your reactions much more entertaining. He loved it when you talked his ear off about your crazy conspiracy theories.

“When I get back, okay?” You asked, the sound of static taking over the last bit of your question. “Don’t watch it until I get back, Barnes! I’m warning you.”

He knew that tone in your voice, too well. He’d been on the receiving end more times than he’d like to admit. It only took one time for Bucky to understand that that tone meant business but he loved seeing you get all serious with him. You were too cute for your own good. “I promise, doll.”

“Okay, Buck,” You stated. He heard some people talking in the background, getting ready for take off. “I gotta go. I tried to wake you to say bye this morning but you were knocked out. You better be awake by the time I get back, Sarge.”

“You know I don’t do too well with waking up early.” He replied, almost forgetting that you weren’t really on the other side of the line.

“Babe, I’- Okay, Maria! I’ll hang up.” You yelled back. You sounded muffled and Bucky could only assume that you placed a hand over your phone’s microphone. “Maria’s yelling at me to hang up.”

Bucky let out a shaky breath, having listened to this voicemail so much that he knew what was coming next.

“I love you, Buck.” You whispered. “See you when I get home.”

Bucky let his eyes open. He was alone in the dark room, with no trace of you. The scent of your perfume was long gone, the cruelty of time drifted it away weeks ago. He looked at the empty spot of your shared bed, seeing the bedsheets untouched. He couldn’t bring himself to even look at it for longer than five seconds. It hurt too much.

He felt the tears burn the brims of his eyes. He swallowed the threatening sob back down to his chest. He unlocked the phone once again, his thumb ghosting over the “play” button.

Your voice filled the empty, lonely, silence again.

“Hey baby...”

It’s his ritual. It’s the only thing that keeps him going.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x yn #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fluff #winter soldier #winter soldier imagine #winter soldier one shot #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier x yn #marvel #marvel series #the avengers #frances writes

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nightshadedawn · 4 years

Text

Persona 5 Royal Playthrough pt3

I ended up going through two Palaces before I could update y’all. Oh well.

...Yeah, no, quit calling me Miss Special Snowflake's boyfriend. It's not happening.

Ryuji, Morgana, and Yusuke having a conversation in the laundromat: "It's like he's our mom," says Ryuji... the mom friend.

Every time Morgana is like "I have to turn into a human so no one else can have Lady Ann!" then expects no one else to hear him makes me laugh. Like, bitch, no.

I have the restaurant in my Thieves Den 'cause I like it. Yusuke, Ryuji, and Morgana are there. They're so precious.

I got a three in a row Tycoon on cutthroat!!!

Ryuji and Ann just keep going "Shoulda figured" and other versions of the statement every time I win.

Ann just rejected Morgana's feelings HARD. I am happy.

Ryuji is too good, honestly. Why would anyone not like him? He's... He's always trying to build the team up, make them proud of themselves and what they've done. I will admit that he has his moments of being not a great human, but they're teenagers who were given absurd powers, so honestly, can you blame them?

I didn't know darts was an actual minigame! There's so many minigames. I'm so happy.

I don't like Akechi. I don't know why some people do. Like, his death scene was a bit... too late for a redemption for me, right after he tried to kill Joker, several times. His pain is understandable, but still... I can't.

Their "two sides of the same coin" also doesn't seem particularly fair. It's totally uneven in everything but color schemes.

Guys, GUYS, please, PLEASE decide whether you're going to react to my teasing or not.

"We don't have to deal with them directly," Ryuji says joyfully about the mafia. Oh you sweet, sweet, innocent child, if only you knew what I do.

I literally can't play this game around anyone else because I tend to yell "BABY!" to Ryuji, Ann, and Yusuke and "BITCH" or "FUCKER" to... a rather long list of villains in this game... and Makoto.

I can literally feel Yusuke's anxiety about his painting when you take him to Leblanc to see Sayuri.

How can you say Yusuke isn't gay when he says everything I do is beautiful?

I love Ryuji's 9th social link. It's LITERALLY written like a confession scene. This also means I kinda hate it because... I can't date him.

Also... PRETTY BOY RYUJI PRETTY BOY RYUJI PRETTY BOY RYUJI

I actually kinda thought that the new scene for Ryuji being a crossdresser is kinda funny??? Is this bad??? I wanna see him in a dress, tho. I gotta agree, he'd be a natural. Not the like, painfully obviously not taking it seriously from the dancing game, though.

Though I do think it's valid that he freaks out when two strange adults come up to him and try to take him somewhere, especially in a place known for being shady, and at night.

...When Ryuji complains about it, I do feel bad about ditching him. Then again, I blame the cat.

Ryuji may be my ideal type on paper, but I'm also highly attracted to Yusuke and this is so totally unfair.

*softly chanting* butlers butlers butlers butlers

Don't mind me just... *makes meticulous plot to avoid having Makoto join the team that i may or may not write a fanfic about*

Makoto is one dumbass bitch. Like, honestly, there's nothing she does that's in any way remotely smart.

...I thought I'd just skip Makoto's scenes until she became relevant, but here I am, still skipping her scenes. Does that mean she’s still irreleveant?

"Witch" I suggest, and Makoto complains! "Would you prefer "Bitch"? I can use that too.

I put Yusuke on the team in the middle of the palace through settings, replacing Morgana, who had been standing right behind me. Which made Yusuke stand right behind me. It looked like he was holding onto my waist and standing uncomfortably close. Bro, babe, I love you, but not in front of my boyfriend and girlfriend!

Just accept the compliment, guys, I'm not going to compliment Queen.

...Opening chests with Ann or Ryuji is just so sweet because they're so affectionate and touchy feely. Especially Ryuji.

Math. Fucking. Sucks. I should not have to use math in a game. I hate this. Obviously it's the Palace Makoto comes in that this happened.

Well, I finished the Palace in a day. I love the feeling. But it was getting close there. Joker and Yusuke were down to no spells...

...Yoshizawa hasn't showed up yet. When is she getting shoehorned in?

WHY IS THE VELVET ROOM RED!?

My very first playthrough I didn't execute a single execution except for the first one we have to do. It really screwed me over my second playthrough...

...I broke the electric chair. That's certainly something that happened.

147 games of Tycoon later and I've only been a beggar 31 times in total, versus the pure thirty wins in just Cutthroat.

They're in their summer uniforms and it makes make miss warmer weather already. It's fucking snowing outside. Grrrr.

Beat Kaneshiro! ...Wasn't a fan of his new boss battle. I'm even playing on safe mode! But whatever.

Makoto is a DISASTER at Tycoon. She exclusively got beggar all three times I played with her!

...RYUJI YOU CAN'T SAY SHIT LIKE THAT AND NOT LET ME DATE YOU.

Ann, sweeties, baby, you're doing so well.

She confessed to me, then in the call afterwards it was basically insinuated I proposed... WHICH IS LIKE FUCK YEAH 'CAUSE SHE ACCEPTED IT.

It makes me think of the future conversation where they're talking about marriage.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed, l love Ann.

My next playthrough I'm not gong to date her, though. I'm a completionist and I want ALL of the possible awards. But... I refuse to cheat on Ann. So I'll date everyone else then just hang with Ryuji... despite how cringy some of the date things are.

...If Akechi wasn't, you know EVIL and tried to KILL ME, SEVERAL TIMES, I might, MIGHT, like him. But in truth, I think that's really just the Persona 5: Revival talking. We get... into some stuff during that.

I know that either Atlus or the translators know EXACTLY what goes on in the Persona fandom because otherwise "He's too pretty to be wrong" would not be an option when talking to the newspaper girl about Akechi. I have to agree with her that his looks aren't really, you know, awesome enough for that.

Also, I read it as "He's too petty to be wrong" at first and I think that's an accurate sum of his character.

YO AKECHI-FUCK I HAVE NO NEED TO SEE YOUR ASS LIKE THAT WHEN I HAVE BOTH A BF AND AND GF.

...fucker fucking giving me shit about my fake glasses...

If you COULD date the boy out of mod, Akechi would definitely be the one they were pushing you to date. Like Makoto. Or Yoshizawa.

But hey, at least I get to not be nice to him.

I remember seeing this picture where Ann, Ryuji, and Joker kept going to the movies together and seeing 3D movies, and Joker couldn't wear the 3D glasses properly because of his own. I keep imagining that picture during this event with Caroline and Justine.

You know what? Some people call Joker a loli lover because of them, but nope! He's just adopted two more siblings. That is my stance on it.

FUcking

Fucker

WHAT THE FRRRRRRRR

FUCK YOU ATULS OR TRANSLATORS OR WHATEVER

APHRODITE AND MARS ARE FROM TWO DIFFERENT MYTHOS. Aphrodite is GREEK, Mars is ROMAN. Their reversed are VENUS and ARES. USE ONE OR THE OTHER PEOPLE.

I get very pissed about this, and it's worse with Hades.

7/4 is the day I am screaming at, if you were wondering.

My dad asked me if the other students think Joker's stupid because every time I answer a question right they get all surprised.

I don't really like Makoto, as I'm sure you've noticed, but she was super nice about Ryuji's special move idea. And that put her ahead of Akechi in my book.

TESTS ARE NERVE WRACKING EVEN WHEN THEY'RE FICTIONAL

Yusuke and Ryuji are good boys, the best boys. And they're so awesome about their special move.

AND RYUJI OFFERED MONEY FOR YUSUKE'S FOOD. And implied that he did it before???? Ryuji, you best boy.

This boys' outing DOES make me happy, though. Like, insanely happy. Dunno why.

Maybe because Joker gets to be so flipping cheesy.

...fuck you, Yoshizawa.

HONESTLY WHAT THE EVER LOVING--- Grr. Too many choices while with her. Too many. OOC Joker when with her. 0/10.

I LOVE THE FESTIVAL PHOTO

And you know, it's really hard to choose between Lala-chan and Ann, but... GONNA TAKE ANN ON A DATE

Got her some flowers. Lets see if we can give them to her this time!

"Such a good FRIEND." Babe, we're DATING. For like, TWO WEEKS NOW.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GIVE HER FLOWERS

Ann called Yusuke a pretty boy, but then she's missing out on the REAL pretty boy, Pretty Boy Ryuji.

Ryuji, why're you so worried about other girls when you've got ME?

"I like the shade." "What are you, moss!?" Oh, admit it, Ryuji, I'm growing on you.

Cargona. Snrk. Gods, I love you, Ryuji.

Dome town with Ryuji! "Isn't it all couples?" That's the point!

I COULD GIVE RYUJI THE ROSES!?

Sadly, I bought those for Ann. Ryuji, you get the noodles.

AND HE FUCKING LOVED IT.

"It feels like I really captured Ryuji's heart!" FUCK YEAH I DID

Gonna give Yusuke the bracelet when I get the chance.

Why is everyone color coded in the chat room? Kawakami, Akechi, Mishima, and the reporter are all ORANGE. What's the point? Well, Akechi's more of a golden orange, but close enough.

While Mishima is not my first choice for a date, he's definitely not my last.

...But the boy really needs some fucking sleep. He's not drawn with the bags under his eyes, but I can see them!

It's not fair that they give Akechi a kicked puppy sprite. I'm... goddamnit, they're trying to make me not hate him.

When Makoto doesn't know something, I'm brought great joy.

NO DAD MAKOTO IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND ANN IS AND SHE IS LITERALLY R I G H T T H E R E

First day in Futaba's Palace! I've gotta say, this is my second favorite palace. Kamoshida, Futaba, Madarame, Sae, Okumura, Shido, Kaneshiro, Holy Grail. In that order. I HATE Kaneshiro's place and dealing with the Holy Grail. But whatevs, man. I love this game. (Vanilla, at least, this one is still on the fence)

I found out a cool little thing. On the uphill sand slopes in the town (don't know about anywhere else) if you're running and turn back quickly, Joker will do a little animation to steady himself. It was cool and made it seem, I dunno, more human? Anyway, while I was admiring this, Ryuji and Yusuke just stood at the top of the slope and Ann followed me while I was running. Best girlfriend ever.

Kin-Ki is looking pretty kin-ky if you know what I'm sayin'

Please don't murder me because I do terrible puns.

*we fall through the trap door* *Ryuji starts screaming* Same, baby, same.

...Makoto is seriously annoying. Like, she's got no business acting as familiar with Futaba's situation. The one who WOULD be the most familiar is Yusuke, and I'm glad he recognizes that. It's not the exact same, none of their stories are after all, but I feel like those two get each other better than even Ryuji and Joker understand each other.

Yusuke and Ryuji's special attack is THE BEST

Ryuji and Joker getting up close and personal in the shadows. All those fanfics coming true, man.

I thought Futaba was sloth, not wrath? Why are her Will Seeds called Wrath?

Beat it in one day! It's so satisfying to watch all those achievements when I leave the palace.

You know, I'm thinking of wearing the Christmas outfits for the final battle. Just to be kinda funny.

Spending a relaxing day with Yusuke after going through Futaba's Palace... kinda want to take him to the bathhouse to check out that new scene, but I also REALLY wanna feed the boy... gonna feed the boy.

Apparently I can only make 'decent curry.' Which is fine. Because "I" can't make curry at all. Joker, you've done much better than I.

THE DATE CHANGE SCREEN HAD A RAINBOW AND RYUJI WAS COMING OVER ON THE SAME DAY FUCK YEAH MY BISEXUAL BABY

...Broooooo, the way you talk about your manga is how I talk right before I start shipping.

Took him to the bathhouse, 'cause I don't gotta worry about Mama Sakamoto feeding him.

...Can I take Ann to the bathhouse?

Asked Ryuji to move in. He was all up for the idea until he remembered that I live in an attic.

I'm Charismatic now!

...I was all hoping Ann would stop by but then Akechi asked me out. Laaaaaaaame.

Ryuji's smile is so fucking cute.

...I say we just be honest, and everyone's so fucking stupid about it until Makoto explains it. This pisses me off. They're not that dumb... At least, they weren't until Makoto showed up.

Futaba's hiding in the closet. ...I've spent too many weeks making jokes about closets to not have a joke about it.

Really, Yusuke? You see those books and think she can't understand?

...Wait, that sassy tone of voice... You were TRYING to pull a reaction of her. I knew I shipped those two for a reason. OTP and BroTP. Doesn't matter, they're both awesome.

I love you Ann, but I don't think your situations were the same at all. It's not like both are valid and bad, but... different.

Joker is SO fast compared to the others, especially when he's speeding.

What the...

Holy fuck...

JOKER IS TOO EFFING COOL

THAT MOVE TO GET FROM THE ENTRANCE TO TO TREASURE DOOR? Awesome!

Damn, Joker has my heart too.

I kinda wish we could see Futaba's costumes in her Persona. That would be pretty neat.

The moment right before Wakaba appears is so aesthetically pleasing.

...Futaba being happy is almost enough for me to accept Maruki's offer, and I haven't gotten there yet.

Ryuji and Ann keep smacking each other out of their ailments. Like, you guys just love each other so much! It's awesome.

Joker has lackluster responses to Wakaba... I'm hoping that isn't one of those "Answer these wrong and you break her!" things... Not that I think I was, but still.

I liked Futaba's new animation for when she defied her mother.

I wish the anime looked more the cutscenes. I'm trying to rewatch the anime so I can pinpoint specific moments for future editing purposes, but it's kinda painful.

1- This is the SECOND TIME you've landed on Yusuke while running from trouble.

2- YUSUKE LET GO OF MY GIRL

No Makoto, I don't want to go see Futaba with you! I can go see her myself.

So, I like Takemi's new voice with her lines during this scene.

Sure, she collapses every so often and sleeps for a while. Stays like that for a few days. Sorry that I put her into a coma for a month, Boss...

SHE LOOKS SO CUTE WITHOUT GLASSES

Guys, we have a month. Stop worrying.

THE TWINS ARE SO CUTE WHILE HANGING ONTO THE BENCH PRESS

Damn, Joker's dying to the amusement of two little girls.

I'm kinda disappointed I didn't get results for all that training. But I liked the scene.

Yusuke just casually be lugging bigass paintings around.

Taking the girls to the church may have been one of the funnier moments. These cement them as Joker's little sisters. With Futaba. Damn, Joker, you got no brothers.

Yusuke promises to come by every day and we can tell him to take his clothes off. ATLUS, you have some EXPLAINING to DO.

..And Yusuke took it and ran with it. My sweet summer child, I don't think I could handle you in as little as possible on the day to day.

"The heat induced delirium made me think outside the box." Same.

Guts takes sooooooooooooo long to level up.

"Punish me more" he says, as if Takemi won't do it.

"Good god. Well, none of my medicine can cure THAT." AT LEAST WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE

BATHHOUSE WITH YUSUKE

Awe, he had fun. :)

#Persona 5 #akira kusuru #shuann #pegoryu #pegoryuann #persona 5 royal #yusuke kitagawa #ann takamaki #Ryuji Sakamoto #Pretty Boy Ryuji

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bleachbleachbleach · 3 years

Note

basically a 10 day walk is the length of a small country.

that’s the distance just between 2 gates on the inner wall edge of rukongai. so 4x that is the distance around the entire inner wall. and a 40 day walk around the entire inner wall.

the rest of rukongai has 80 districts. maybe each gate has 20 districts between the inner edge and outer edge of rukongai. so walking around the outer edge of rukongai could be 20 times longer between gates or something. that's 800 days to walk around the outer edge of rukongai.

and a densely populated small country like india has 1.3+ billion people for example. rukongai seems densely populated too but could be a mid-large country for comparison.

Here’s the questions I have:

What’s the pace of this 10-day walk, and what constitutes a "day"?

We probably know the terrain (flat/unimpeded), but are we talking 8 hours a workday? 12 hours a day? 15? 24? And is that 10 days at a leisurely 5k an hour, or a military march pace, or a "herding a passel of teenagers" pace, or an "I am a cat" pace?

I don't remember whether we ever get more information beyond Yoruichi's "10 days to the next gate" statement. For all we know that's a wild approximation, though I assume as former head of the Onmitsukidou she has a solid spatial sense of SS. The gate walk I took was calculated, but boy was I bad at math

For Rukongai I think each of the four regions actually has 80, rather than there being 80 total. Regardless, the next questions I have are:

Are the sizes of the districts uniform? What shape do they take?

Are they tidy little equal-sized allotments per district? Are the nice ones smaller and manageably compact, and 80 more sprawling and hazily defined? Do they extend in a series of concentric rings? Combo of pie slices and rings? Squares? Dodecahedrons? Irregular and ever-changing boundaries determined nightly by violent border skirmishes? Do they follow natural landforms?

Additionally:

Is there any spacetimey-wimey business afoot?

Are the distances and areas stable, or is it just like, shit, sometimes getting to 80 takes a month and sometimes, by some calendar some very enterprising/bored shinigami has discovered, that distance expands and collapses and there are points in time where it’s actually closer? Are there points where the logic of the world is weaker and, if you’re careful and observant (and perhaps a bit lazy) you can cheat the distance by slipping through the logic and popping out somewhere else? Does the distance shift based on desiderata? Like, could you walk infinitely if that’s all you wanted to do, and could the distance become still-arduous and still-far but survivable if you had a destination in mind? THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL?

Though now I’m just laughing-dying at the idea of Soul Society Warp Points like in Legend of Zelda LOLLLL. "Fuck Hyrule field, I’m making THE OCARINA take me out to Kusajishi."

CAN YOU IMAGINE. IF SOMEONE'S SHIKAI. WAS AN OCARINA OF TIME. They could rule the world, because the rest of these plebs would just have to walk everywhere. (Except Renji and his friends, who could ride the Zabimaru Express.)

My point being, I feel like there are lots of sizes both Seireitei and Rukongai could be! I consider SS an invitation to go buck-wild with the variables, since there is intentionally not enough canon information to nail anything down. But thinking up the potential variables is so fun—and what’s listed above certainly aren’t all of them—because then you know what kinds of goodies you can play with. (Though I’ll note for posterity that the reason this discussion began is because I was contemplating whether or not SS could fall into an Earth ocean and not be noticed, which is both a bonkers proposition to begin with, and is not really a question about the volume or area of anything in SS, since the units of measurement don’t match up. XDD)

I have yet to see a panel or episode that makes me think Rukongai is densely populated, though. That doesn’t mean there aren’t spaces that are! Spaces near water or other resources, for instance, though we know Junrinan is both relatively resource-abundant and not in the least a big happening town. XD (Gotta wonder how the districts keep their borders straight and what determines a soul’s ability to wander from one to the next.) There seem to be more people in Inuzuri, but it still doesn’t scream bustling metropolis to me.

—

There’s a part in the Advance Team arc where Ukitake is watching Rukia and Orihime train in 13th, and Hisagi pops up (he’s apparently come to HAND-DELIVER a catalog to Ukitake. We know he has lots of work to do and no time to do it in, so this is a desperate act). In conversation with Ukitake, he offers some brief updates on 10th, 11th, and 12th, which like…

Did he. Did he just walk through half of Seireitei trying to find a friend and had to go ALL THE WAY TO THE ASS-END OF 13TH BEFORE HE FOUND SOMEONE TO TALK TO. ToT Because he kind of made it sound like he set off from 9th and just kept walking lol. We don’t know how the divisions are arranged inside of the Seireitei, though it does at least seem like they’re vaguely sequential, judging by Hisagi’s Sad No Friends Walk. But how far did he walk? HOW sad was this Sad No Friends Walk??

#soul society #bleach geography #bleach headcanons #bleach #hisagi's sad no friends walk

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bunnybeansowo · 2 years

Text

Dear Tadashi, Entry One

Page one

March 8th

Dear Tadashi

Hey, it’s been a while, huh? Baymax said I have to vent in this journal like I’m talking to you. I feel stupid, this is dumb. I mean, who writes on paper these days, right? I bet I look really pathetic right now. I guess I should start somewhere, huh? Well, today I tried to talk to the others about Karmi and her “stories”. They said I should be grateful that she likes me, and that she put a lot of work into it so I shouldn’t ruin this for her. I feel like they don’t appreciate me, that they only want me as a prop for their own stories. It’s getting late. I’m tired. Goodnight.

March 9th

Sorry for the abrupt goodbye, I couldn’t keep thinking about it. I say as if there’s actually anybody to apologize to. I regret joining SFIT. It’s brought nothing but pain to me. First you died, then Karmi, and now everyone. Even Baymax is saying I should put up with it! Okay, maybe he didn’t say that specifically, but somewhat. I dunno, I’m tired. I should get up or I’m gonna be late for school. Bye, I guess.

Hey. I’m on lunch break, so I can talk for a bit. I guess I never really told you who Karmi is, huh? It all started a few months ago. Professor Granville (she’s the new dean of the school) called me over the weekend, said she wanted me to meet someone. That’s when I met Karmi. At first, she was really nice, albeit somewhat crazy. You know, like Honey-Lemon. But when Granville left, she told me, quote, “You think you are a rare, white blood cell. But you are nothing but a common red blood cell.” I guess that’s her own, biochem way of telling me “Fuck you”? I dunno. Like I said, crazy. I gotta go, the bell rang. Bye.

March 10th

You know, I somehow always find the worst time to write stuff to you. Convenient, huh? If you were here. I’d never hear the end of it. “Hiro, are you writing in the middle of the night? You should be asleep right now! Knucklehead!” Is what you would say. I know it’s not like me to say sappy shit, but I really miss you. Maybe if I held on to you longer, you would still be alive. If I had never gone out bot-fighting that night, you would still be alive. That’s what they all say, anyway…

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/bunnybeansowo/688903301782241280?source=share

First: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/bunnybeansowo/688636150608445440?source=share

#Big Hero 6 #Big Hero 6: The Series #Hiro #Hiro Hamada #Anti Karmi #Tadashi #Tadashi Hamada #Dear Tadashi #angst au

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nobody-knose--archive · 3 years

Text

yknow how i go on about not having listened to the solo albums? it’s nat day. i listened to nat. liveblog below

-spooooky ghoooooost

-you know technically this is my first & only 100% complete & utter blind tally hall experience + liveblog. everything else has been an album i've already heard or variations thereupon

-alright well this doesn't sound like tally hall

-hi rob

-boy man this is poppy but it sure is rob's voice singing

-"he don't wanna lose" damn is that a tally hall reference????????/ /j

-this ghost sounds pretty damn relatable

-still sounds like something i'd hear on the radio (derogatory (affectionate))

-does this one have a music video? i'll have to get to those eventually won't i

-oooh funky pronoun shenanigans one of my favorite types of shenanigans

-what baby did rob pick up off the street to provide these backing vocals

-white star??? is that a dw reference???? /j it'd be almost relevant by the time this came out

-i don't know anything about imagine dragons but this reminds me of them

-this is an 80's-ass fadeout

-oh so he's namedropping every track here? just planting the words old bike right in the first verse

-wahoo audio channel shenanigans

-oh there's the hum biddy biddys i heard about

-this is distinctly much less like bicycle race (queen) than i was expecting

-then again i mostly know bicycle race (queen) from lemon demon's cover of it so.

-this does indeed sound like the hawaii part ii of rob cantor

-classic acoustic guitar use. minimal percussion

-nevermind there's the drums & rock guitar everything's changed

-now it sounds like some actual tally hall stuff

-whomst

-guest vocals? i should've seen them coming but didn't expect any in this song at least

-oh there's that lyric. i've seen it plenty of times & always had to imagine what it sounded like

-this in fact indeed giving me 1985 vibes

-is that the year rob was born? it'd be near then at least

[following that comment was an exchange between me & june about birthdays. it told me rob’s born in 1983 but ross was born in 1985 so maybe rob made a tribute to his old bandmate. who knose <3]

-those drums. those synths. he's really going for the 80s alright

-i feel like i'm gradually forgetting this is an album by rob cantor, yellow tie of tally hall

-see, hawaii part ii was produced to the point of feeling unfeasible & unintended for live performances. but this album hits a middle ground where it's like, if this were done by anyone other than rob cantor of tally hall, it could be done live, but it's just rob cantor, not of tally hall, making an album himself, so i just know nothing about this would ever be done live. it's an interesting effect

-this album needs more tmbg influence

-this sounds less like going purple than i was expecting, which can apply to both the whole album & this song right here

-i recognize that voice from hawaii part ii

-i think? i need to check the credits

-stephanie? no not her. the lady from black rainbows?

-i'm blanking on her fuckin name it's on the tip of my tongue

-madison?? alison??? no alison hanna is from another song god what is her name

-yeah madi diaz thanks june

-i don't even know if that's actually her that's just who she sounds like

-what's interesting about this song is (just like hawaii part ii) tally hall didn't do duets very much but this actually sounds like one

-i promise i won't do hawaii part ii comparisons the whole way through it's just what comes to mind

-good god madi has some good range those are high fuckin notes

-OH GOD

-this is faster than i was expecting

-wow okay. this is no longer a jh song alright

-sounds like some terraria synths in here. they could actually be in terarria for all i know

-this is the song they've been putting on all these villain playlists?? i couldn't think of a less villainous song if i tried

-oh thank god the tambourine is back i've been starved for it

-i wouldn’t know, i go on even though

-oh this is the one with that really wild music video isn't it. good old acoustic guitar

-i can actually picture this one on a tally hall album. he's being kinda silly with the percussion but the vocals at least. hm

-honestly what intrigues me most is how it's nothing like the asteroid musical pieces + going purple. those are all i knew of rob's solo stuff until now & i'm not picking up on many similarities. oh and the shia labeoufs/christian bale

-damn he's doing the vocal filters again

-i keep thinking i'm hearing zubin somewhere in the background- wait no that's my cat at the door now

-how many shrimps do you have to eat

-alright now this one's just silly. congrats to it for making me laugh

-if that's real whistling in the background there it's just gotta be bora i know this

-if that's real accordion in the background then it's surely also bora

-this sounds damn near like nonsensical spanish- i thought la telanovela was after this? /j

-he just pulled out all the stops for this album. everywhere.

-you know i kinda thought of extreme vibrato/reverb as a joe thing but i'm really hearing a shit ton of it here so maybe it's a rob thing too. or maybe i should listen to jhjh before i make any conclusions

-who. who's this? i absolutely don't recognize this guest singer. not from hawaii part ii presumably then

-if i can say one thing about this album it's that it's absolutely living up to its cover

-so what does this have to do with telanovelas. i watched que hora es in 9th grade spanish i know what they're like /hj

-oh this is the one about that guy who isn't actually dead. epic

-now this sounds more like the solo viral pieces of his

-i'm pretty sure laughter is the intended reaction to have here so good on rob for achieving that- wait it's over?

-oh. guess he was taking more influence from tmbg than i thought

-let your mother know is the song i've heard absolutely nothing from other people about. and now. i suppose i can't blame them

-oh you know what my complaint about this album is? it's very little like lemon demon. too many mundane 2nd person ballads, not enough 3rd or 1st person stuff about absolutely nothing

-also from a musical standpoint he doesn't make things stand out super well. it feels a tab bit sanded down. like there are bits in the vocals & instrumentals that feel like they're meant to be a big change, but there's no notable emotional shift in the tone

-ayyyyy this is the one andrew worked on!

-yeah fuck with the tonality of it mess shit up go ham

-i mean if you're going to include flute in a rock album you've got to make it worth it

-i've not heard that song but i think this is meant to be the spiritual opposite to special by jh

-you know what i want from this song? andrdew vocals. it can do whatever it wants i just want to hear my man sing

-definitely bora's whistling no way it's anything else

-showing off your vocal range there mr cantor?

-oh hey this is the one that makes my friends cry

-i've not listened to songs about girls but this is reminding me of it anyway

-this feels like audio taken from a music video that had sfx added to the original song

-like bro. you can let your lyrics stand for themselves. you don't need to dangle me on a rope from a bridge over a highway

-i mean he might as well end the album this way. he might as well.

-ending thoughts, i guess. rob does what he does well but i think he ought to be doing something slightly different

also look at this yt comment i found on the comprehension amalgamation upload

#in conclusion: i don't really remember any of the songs i just listened to other than perfect because technically #ive already heard the celebrity impressions version. it was better because andrew sang <3 /hj #tally hall #loolin liveblogs #tis i #that comment on the album living up to its cover is me comparing the quality of the songs to a fried chicken wing #not a trampoline #god. now all the tags i've written in hall/comp posts about having not listened to a single solo album will be outdated #oh well i knew it was going to happen eventually #to the world and back again

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thiswasinevitableid · 4 years

Text

Treasure (Indruck)

Prompt for the 9th was: Knight Terrors

Knights are generally well-prepared, the way those in charge of the kingdom's wellbeing ought to be. Prepared for monsters bursting from the woods or dropping from the sky, prepared to protect citizens from harm, prepared to guide royalty through all manner of perils.

What Duck Newton, knight of the realm of Kepler, was not prepared for was being carried off by a fucking dragon.

He didn’t even know there were dragons in this part of the world.

Worse the dragon doesn’t seem to know his haul contained an unwilling extra item, and so he’s dumped Duck into some sort of sorting room, rather than a central horde or other spot where he might be able to see the cave entrance and get out.

Beacon is somewhere in this mess, but he’s coiled and so can't talk. It figures, the one time that obnoxious sword’s even more obnoxious voice would be helpful is the time Duck remembered to silence him.

He’s never been do freaked out in his life. Fuck, he can’t even tell where the door is.

That problem is resolved and immediately replaced with a much worse one when a stone panel swings open and a large, black-scaled dragon appears.

“Huh. I was half convinced there was something wrong with my foresight, But no, there is indeed a human in my storage room. How on earth did you even get here?” He takes in Ducks clothes, the insignia on his chest, his armor. Red eyes narrow, “did you follow me, oh brave knight, hoping to slay me in my sleep?”

“No, I was in the goddamn carriage when you just lifted the whole fuckin thing up and flew off.”

“And what were you doing in a carriage meant for treasure alone?” The dragon cocks his head.

“Guardin’ it.”

“And what, exactly, were you to do to an attacker?” The dragon drops to all fours, thoroughly blocking the exit.

“Uhhhhhhh, um, to, uh, to not, fuck, to do not slayin? Fuck. Look,their directions weren’t real clear. They just told me I was headed for a royal guest.”

The glowing red eyes widen with understanding Duck does not share. “So that’s what they told you? A pity” The dragon steps closer, and Duck refuses to flinch when hot breath ruffles his hair, “I was hoping they had been truthful with mine.”

“With your what?” Duck looks down just as a black clawed hand is held out to him.

“I will explain in a moment. This is one of the colder parts of my lair, and I would rather have this discussion somewhere warm. Come.” He flattens his palm and Duck, energized by the thought of being somewhere with more escape routes or weapons, sits down in it. The dragon carries him out; it’s smaller than he assumed, maybe twenty feet at most from his head to the tip of his tail. But it’s terrifically strong, given that it picked up the carriage he was in as if it weighed no more than a sugar cube.

“What is your name?” One eye regards him with a glint of...something. It looks pleased whenever it scans over his body.

“Sir Duck Newton. It’s a nickname.”

“It is nice to meet you, Duck Newton. I am Indrid Cold.” His voice is remarkably lilting, not at all the deep rumble Duck expected.

“This is the parlor.” The dragon sets him down near an immense fireplace, embers glowing warmly nd reclines against a large pile of furs and pillows, “my room and horde is just through there. You may see it later, if you like, I am rather proud of it.

“Uh, no thanks, I’ll need to be headin back to take my licks for losin the thing I was guardin.” His hope is that if he acts as if the dragon has no reason to keep him around, it will just let him go.

“Ah yes, about that.” He taps a claw on the stone floor, “you see, this is terribly awkward. That carriage was meant for me. As were you. I knew you would be arriving soon, but not when, and I was preoccupied using my visions to watch for danger, and thus did not realize you were in it until after we returned.”

“Why do you keep sayin that I’m yours, what do you need a human for? Oh fuck, am I fuckin dinner or something?”

“Nono, nothing of the kind. In many ways you are the opposite. You see, it has long been a tradition for kingdoms along the Draco Mountain Range to send a knight to act as an assistant to each dragon. When there were more dragonborns and fewer standard dragons, there was another, ah component as well.”

“But you ain’t a dragonborn, so we don’t gotta worry about that second part?” He crosses his fingers in hope.

A sigh, “Technically I am dragonborn; long story painfully short, I was blamed for something I did not do and was cursed to remain like this for eternity. But no one outside of a few trusted friends knows that. So your kingdom assumed I could still take my more human form. Which means they chose you for the, ah, the second purpose as well as the first. You are meant to be my consort.”

It takes a moment for the words to sink in, and then Duck is standing, looking for something to put between himself and the dragon, “nope, nope, no fuckin way, this ain’t happen, this can’t be happenin.”

“Oh dear, you are frightened.” The dragon furrows his brow

“I’m fucking terrified! Who wouldn’t be?!”

Indrid starts to move towards him and then thinks better of it, “I promise, you have nothing to fear. Is it not clear that the arrangement means I will not eat or otherwise harm you?” Indrid blinks at him, seeming perplexed.

“And the part where I’m supposed to be the start of some fuckin dragon harem or some shit is supposed to calm me down?” Duck’s voice echoes off the walls.

“You did not let me finish my explanation. While that is the misconception your kingdom is under, I will under no circumstances expect you to fulfill it. Your duties here will be as if I was born this way, so you will primarily do small household tasks, assist with security, and aid me in things where having small hands is helpful.” Indrid is frustratingly calm, as if Duck is the one being ridiculous for being afraid of this whole situation and the implications of his initial explanation.

“Great, just fuckin great, so I’m your servant now.” Duck rubs his forehead, as if that might make this all stop.

“Nothing of the sort. You may do tasks, but I must do the same. We are sharing this home, so we must each participate in its maintenance. So no, you are not my servant. Although you are part of my horde.”

“I’m not a fuckin necklace or somethin you dipshit!”

“You are not an object, if that is what you fear, and I do not see you as one. I, ah, my horde is made up of that which I value or find pleasing. You can be both those things as a human. You are a treasure and I will treat you as one. I will bring you the finest silks, jewels, works of art, whatever your heart desires, for everything that is mine is now yours. Indeed, you may be that which I treasure most; just looking at you makes me happy, and I dearly wish to curl around you and keep you safe.”

Chills run along Duck’s skin, and he notices the embers have gone out, meaning the only light is the red glow of Indrid’s eyes, pinning Duck in place. Vibrations move cross the stone.

“Hold the fuck on, are you, uh, purrin from thinkin about takin care of me?”

Indrid blinks several times, shakes his head, “Yes, it seems I was. I, ah, I apologize for all I just said it, it sort of came up unbidden. I wonder if that is why they chose you, if someone knew that you would be the most appealing human I ever laid eyes on.”

Duck tries not to be flattered, tries to focus on figuring out what the fuck he’s supposed to do now, but it’s hard with the way Indrid is looking at him with affectionate curiosity.

“Look, Indrid, I don’t mean no offense, but this is all super fuckin weird and I just...I don’t fuckin understand why they sent me and not, I dunno, a princess? Ain’t that traditional?”

Indrid cocks his head, “Why would they send princesses? Most of them are trained to run the kingdom, and thus are rather important. Knights as far more expendable.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You asked me for their reasoning. I did not say that I agree. Did no one ever suggest you might be trained for a specific role?”

He freezes, thinking back on ll the times he was encouraged to pursue knighthood for the sake of a supposed destiny. Then so much anger hits him at once he has to sit down on the cold floor, even as the dragon nudges a human sized chair his way.

“That’s why they were so fuckin determined to get me to accept my destiny. Fuck, they made it seem like I was trainin’ to do somethin great, to protect people, and all the while they knew they were just gonna ship me off without warnin! ‘Oh, sorry Duck, you don’t get to have a life of your own, we gotta train you up so you can go be a fuckin dragon toy!”

“That was rather uncalled for.”

“Well what the fuck else am I gonna call it? You talk about dressin me up, sleepin with me, you seem to think I ain’t no more than something you get to look at it.”

“I think no such thing” the narrow tip of his tail thrashes, “I am trying to be hospitable. I have not had a human visit me for more than a few hours before, forgive me for a few missteps. And I am not the one who misled you about your destiny, so kindly direct that anger elsewhere.” The last few words come out in a growl.

Duck’s so pissed he growls right back

“Fine. I’m gonna walk my ass back to Kepler and give ‘em all a piece of my mind.” He spins on his heel, only for Indrid to zip in front of him.

“No, do not do that. It is considered a literal declaration of war.”

“......are you fuckin kiddin me?”

“No. Now please move away from the door.” Indrid tries to scoot him backwards with his tail. Duck slaps the scales, causing Indrid to yelp.

“You only did that in one future.”

“I can move my own damn self. And I plan on movin it somewhere I can get some privacy.”

Indrid points down the center most tunnel, “The third door on the right is yours.”

“That feels like a trap.”

“It is a study. Equipped for humans, including a bedroom and washroom”

Well, that’s better than sleeping on top of a dragon.

He turns without another word, and as the room disappears from view he hears the slow slide of scales on stone, heading the other direction.

----------------------------------------------

Indrid reaches his bedroom and proceeds to clonk his head into the door.

There was no way around that confrontation. The moment Duck Newton asked for an explanation, there was no future where he was not upset by what Indrid told him. Indrid does not blame him at all, and he’s quite angry with whoever in Kepler misled him for so long.

None of that changes how excited he was when he was informed he’d soon be getting a human companion. He has visitors and friends of all kinds, but he’s lived alone ever since the disaster that led to his transformation. He was so looking forward to having someone to talk with, to get to know, to be gentle and kind to, something a dragon his size is not given many chances to do.

There’s a much smaller horde in the corner, full of items he thought a human might enjoy. Dragonborns still hold the custom of giving those they wish to charm (in platonic or romantic ways) finery as a show of goodwill. His eyes keep drifting back to the red cloak woven with gold and the green shirt made to accentuate muscles. Duck would no doubt look remarkable in them.

But the human wants to be alone, wants nothing to do with Indrid. If Indrid is to make him feel at home here, he must abide by that desire. He sighs, curling around his horde. The way forward may become clear after some rest.

Later that night, he sets several items of clothing,the finest he can find that are still simple, as Duck seems to prefer that style, next to a plate of fish from the nearby stream. He charred them on the hearth so they’d be warm, though this resulted in one being burnt to a crisp.

He ate that one as penance for frightening the human.

The next morning the plate is clean but the clothes are there. Indrid leaves them be until mid-morning and then replaces the plate with a bowl of blackberries and more fish. Since there are books in the study, he leaves the human tools for embroidery, in case that is a hobby he prefers.

This process repeats for the next three days, with Duck never taking anything besides the food.

On the fourth morning, Indrid leaves one of his favorite items he collected for the human; a kit with seedlings and a stone that mimics the sun, allowing one to grow the plants even in the dark of the cave.

When he comes back that afternoon, the space in front of Duck’s door is empty. This both pleases him and gives him an idea. He knocks on the door, then steps back, opting after a moment to go on all fours so as not to tower too much over the human.

“Yeah?” The drawl sounds tired more than hostile.

“I was wondering if you would like to see the gardens. You, ah, that is, I can lead you to them and then leave you be, you do not need to be around me if you do not wish to.”

The door creaks open, and Duck peers out.

“How can you garden in a cave?”

“Let me show you?”

The walk is silent and awkward, but when they arrive Duck’s entire face lights up. Indrid preens a bit, answers the question he sees coming.

“I believe when the mountains formed, something caused this area to not come together. Hence the lack of a cave roof.”

“Are all these yours?” Duck kneels down, radiant in the sunlight, examining a pumpkin plant.

“Indeed. I grow some for medicine and spell purposes, and some for food. Larger plants tend to work best for food, in that I can harvest them more easily. which is why there are many squash and melons. But, you will notice there are many unplanted patches. If you wish to garden, I can procure whatever you need.”

Duck grins, “Hell yeah. Wonder if I could get a tree or two to take. I’ll have to study the soil and the sun a bit before I know what I need.”

“Take as long as you desire. You can find your way back?”

The human turns fully to him, glances down at the dirt, “You can, uh, stay if you want. Wouldn't mind the company.”

Indrid dips his head, and settles into his favorite sunny spot, body curving around the bushes.

“Y’know, you’re a real different shape from what I expected.”

“My friend Barclay once said I looked as if I was a noodle that sprouted legs and wings.”

Duck giggles, “Yeah, that’s about right.”

Indrid flicks his wings, “I will have you know I am a very dignified noodle.”

Duck laughs harder at his prim tone, then his face turns serious, “Indrid I, uh, I wanna apologize for how I acted. I know you don’t mean no harm. It was just a lot to take in, and then realizin everyone had been lyin to me, rather than lettin me make a real choice about my destiny.”

“I understand, and I do not hold it against you. I want this to be a welcoming home for you, Duck. I have no intention of keeping you from other things you love or have trained for. And I foresee us being rather good friends and, hmm, I suppose collaborators is the right word. If you need more space, I will give it, but I would also like the chance for us to get better acquainted.”

Duck picks up a handful of earth, rubbing it between his fingers, and when he smiles this time it’s meant for Indrid, “Think I’d like that too.”

------------------------------------------

“Damn, this is real soft.” Duck rubs the sleeve of the deep blue bathrobe.

“Oh good, it is yours.”

“You sure, it was in your pile-”

“-as I have said, my horde is yours to use.” The dragon smiles, goes back to sorting paintings. A summer storm has ruined their plans to sit by the river, Indrid fishing or sunning himself while Duck swam or went for a walk. So they’ve opted to pare down Indrid’s horde, finding things Duck wants or can use as well as things the dragon no longer likes or needs, Duck using his knowledge of Kepler to figure out where in town could benefit from a sudden influx of precious metal.

“How about this? Wait, damn, though it was suspenders.” Duck grapples with the leather and silver straps. Indrid trills a laugh, only for his cheeks to turn golden.

“That is meant to be worn over a bare torso.”

“Oh, uh, did you used to wear it?”

“Oh no, I do not like the texture, but I know some humans who wore it beneath their clothes. Orcs also wear them in the summertime. My second cousin married into an orc family.” He adds when Duck raises an eyebrow.

“While I must admit the idea of you in it as intended is...intriguing” Indrid holds out a claw, at the end of which dangles a pair of suspenders.

“Thanks, ‘Drid.” It’s a double thanks. The suspenders are nice, but Duck appreciates the dragon trying to reign in his enthusiasm for Duck’s looks. It’s not that he doesn’t like feeling attractive, but the idea of a royal dragonborn stuck in his dragon form feeling that way about his squishy, farm-born body is too much. Just...too much. But Indrid has, on Duck’s request, scaled back the comments about his attractiveness and him being Indrid’s treasure. The more he's done so, the easier it’s been for Duck to accept his attempts to fuss over him.

The dragon is true to his offer to give Duck whatever he desires; the finest oils for his baths, soft linens on the bed, any food he wants (that first week, he walked into the kitchen to find the dragon trying valiantly to make a human sized french onion soup). While he cannot breathe fire, he does all manner of spells to make Duck’s life easier, and last week he even took Duck on a low flight over the forest.

What Duck is enjoying even more are the evenings stargazing with his back against Indrid’s side, the way they trade information about their respective corners of the natural world. He enjoys not eating his meals alone.

(He’s been dressing nicer for dinner lately, wasn’t even aware he was doing it two nights ago, when Indrid arrived with jeweled dust on his wings and Duck spent several minutes trying to work out why the dragon felt he had to dress up).

There’s a wistful sigh, and he turns to find Indrid perched on a cushion (in truth, the dragon's nest is far more pillows, fabric, and cushions than it is gold or gems), holding a framed drawing in his hands.

“I do so miss drawing. To do it in this form is such a rigmarole, I have not done more than rudimentary sketch in a long time.”

“There ain’t a spell for it?” Duck climbs to where sitting puts him eye to eye with Indrid.

“None that can replicate the feeling of being so consumed by creativity, the tactile sensations and the working and reworking until you have something you are proud of.” He looks at Duck, eyes, and voice far away, “so many things I would do, were my hands not immense and clawed.”

“Bet you’re real clever with ‘em.”

The double meaning only registers when the gold blush once again blooms on Indrid’s cheeks.

“I, uh, I’m gonna run that one sack of stuff over to Aubrey and Dani. You want to wait on dinner until I get back?”

Indrid smiles, “Yes, I can wait.”

-------------------------------

Fall comes early this high in the mountains, and with it comes the chill. Duck wakes up shivering, and none of the blankets are enough to chase the cold from his bones. Maybe Indrid has something he can use.

He only means to be in the room an instant, but as soon as he enters warmth floods him. Indrid explained he ran warm, as all dragons do, but got cold easily. In the summer, the heat radiating from him disappeared beneath the warmth in the air. Now it’s noticeable in the cold cave. Noticeable and tempting.

He offered once to curl around Duck as he slept, which--to his goosebumped skin--sounds like a good plan.

No, he’ll just find more blankets somewhere else.

His heel knocks over something that clanks, and Indrid opens an eye.

“Duck? Is everything alright?”

“Uh, yeah, just got colder than I thought. I was, uh, was wonderin…”

Even in the near-darkness, Indird’s scales glint, and his eyes glow gently as he waits for Duck to finish.

“...I was wondering if I could, uh, take you up on that offer to sleep next to you. I’m thinkin on top might be safest. I mean, uh, if that's still alright?”

Indrid holds out his hand, helping Duck onto his back and handing him a pillow and three blankets.

“Are you comfortable?” The dragon nestles back down into his bed.

“Yeah, this is real nice. Thanks, Drid.”

“You are welcome, Duck.”

Duck has kissed before, has fucked plenty, has lain in bed next to someone. Yet the rise and fall of Indrid beneath him, the steady sound of his heart when Duck lays his head down, the soft purr that leaves him when Duck rubs his cheek on his scales, are unfamiliar in their intimacy and thus twice as captivating.

Which is why, when he awakens, their absence is instantly obvious. As is their replacement with a much smaller chest beneath his head.

“Well, I must say this is a surprise”

It’s Indrid’s voice, and when Duck sits up, startled, it’s somehow unmistakably Indrid’s face staring up at him. The ruby eyes are the same, as is the smile and the color of his horns and the scales peeking out in patches on his skin.

“My mother was only half dragonborn.” He says to the question Duck almost asks.

“Fuckin stunnin.” Duck breathes out.

Indrid reaches up, cupping Duck’s cheek with a slender, slightly scaled but very human hand.

“I fear it will not last. My foresight tells me I will revert to my dragon form in a few moments. But this is a singularly interesting development.”

“No kiddin. Guess we know there is way to get you back.”

“Agreed. Ah, before I revert, will you permit to do something?”

“Anythin.”

Indrid sits up, and places a gentle, cool kiss on Duck’s cheek.

“Oh yes” He sighs, resting their foreheads together as his body begins shimmering “just as lovely as I thought.”

And then Duck is once again atop a large dragon.

“Whelp, no we really gotta break the curse.”

“Oh?”