#it's so depressing you have a house i could never afford and it is hideous. and not even in an interesting way

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

sick of rich people with boring homes. if you're going to set the standard for desirable lifestyles I will never afford, would you at least put some color into it dangnabit

[bloodcorpceo]

today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #463

“the siren sings a lonely song of all the wants & hungers  /  the lust of love, a brute desire”

Describe the person that you would like to be in three years. I want my mental health to be in great condition, I really want to be in much better physical shape, ideally be living with somebody in our own place, have a job I'm happy with, have an improved social life, my own license and car... Think back to when you first met your significant other (or ex). Was your first impression of them accurate? It's funny, I honestly don't remember what my first impression of Girt was. I don't even recall our first interaction. I'm sure it was most likely that he was friendly, because he is and always has been. What is your most noticeable personality trait? Probably that I'm really, really shy. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Which of your family members do you resemble the most? I guess one of my immediate sisters? People tend to say stuff like they can definitely tell we're related. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. Who knows you better than anyone else? Hell, probably whoever reads these. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I guess you could call dating Girt a "new chapter." I have a much, much stronger feeling of this attempt being more successful than the last now that I've been able to change my angle on how I see him. What’s the most expensive thing your car needed to get done? I don't have my own vehicle and never have. If you had a thousand dollars to spend on a pricey brand you like but can’t really afford (until now of course), which ONE brand would you choose? *shrug* Most products of highly expensive brands I find hideous anyway. Do you still talk to any of your old teachers? Yeah. One is a close family friend and actually our landlord. Does your family still use the home phone or are you all on cell phones now? We haven't had a landline is yeeeeaaarrrrsssss. Ever go to another school’s prom? No; my boyfriend went to the same school as me. Do you ever venture into the woods? What do you normally do there? No; we live in the city now. :/ When I DID live in the woods, I absolutely loved wandering around with my camera for stuff to take pics of. Does your significant other ever make you mix CDs? None ever have but omg I wish that would be adorable. How did you dress your freshman year of high school? I was one of them emo kids. Would you ever date your best friend of the opposite sex? WELP that's what I'm doing lol. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? I'd call it normal? Higher sometimes, lower other times, but not to either extreme. Come with an unpopular opinion. Silent Hill: Homecoming is a great game and while there's a lot of fan service from the movie, it belongs in the series. It's actually my second (or third)-favorite installment. Most of the SH community absolutely hate that game. What’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? A lot of shit Colleen would say if we got into arguments. She'd ridicule effects of my depression, said I'd never know what it's like to pay my own bills, stuff like that. She's hateful as fuck and everything cut deep. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing physical. If you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? No. Have you ever gotten into a Facebook fight? More than once. What’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever experienced irl? Hm, I'm unsure. Favorite flavor of jelly bean? Probably watermelon. Do you use Tinder? If yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? No. You do you, but if I understand Tinder correctly, it just seems... really shallow to me. Like don't you JUST see their picture to decide if you're interested or not? It just enforces the false belief that appearance really matters in love. You just poured your heart out to your crush and all he/she does is respond “k”. What do you respond/do? Well, I don't have a crush anymore; my boyfriend and I literally exchanged "I love you"s last night. That's not a crush. But for the sake of the question, I'll imagine I was single and this happened, in which case I would be both hurt and annoyed. Like, either tell me you return the feelings or not. It's not hard. What's your favorite thing to order from McDonald’s? I usually get a quarter pounder w/ cheese or a McDouble, occasionally with a small or medium fry, depending on how hungry I am. When do you feel your sexiest? Never, hunny. What's your favorite emoji? I don't really have one? It just depends on what the situation calls for. What’s your skincare routine? I don't really have one... I just use a washcloth to clean my face. Who all out of your immediate family smokes? My dad and stepmom. Do you like incense or candles better? Incense, totally. Do you respect your parents? Yeah. What’s your bf/gf’s name? It's technically Donald Jr., but since high school, I've known him as Girt, a nickname I won't explain for his privacy. Do you wear glasses? Yeah. Do you like The Beatles? I honestly don't. Except "Hey, Jude." What was the last reason you got excited? Last night. When we were saying goodbye, I was scared to, but I told Girt I loved him, and he immediately said it back confidently. My heart did like five flips. I'm still over the moon about it. Yes, we just got back together, but we've been in each other's lives as a constant since HS, and after changing my angle of how I looked at him, it's not at all platonic anymore. Do you know anyone who drinks the pickle juice from the jar? Sara does alskdjfklwejrl;er Name something crazy that’s happened recently? Uhhhh... I dunno. My life is very uneventful to have something really "crazy" happen. Can you say for a fact that you’re happy right now? I'm happy about some things, but also nervous and self-doubtful. Have you ever zip lined? No, but they look fun. I'd just be really scared of losing my grip. If you broke your computer, would you be able to fix it on your own? Ha, no. Have you ever been on a boat and got sick? No, but the one time I was at the beach and on a boat riding to an island, I was TERRIFIED I was going to get sick because of the waves. I didn't, thankfully. Did you sleep well last night? For the most part. My new mask might just be working. Do your parents try and plan your life for you? Not at all. Do you have any pictures of you kissing someone? Yes. List two things about yourself that you find embarrassing. My weight and how dark my leg hair is. Do you like to cuddle with your pet when you are sad? Yes. Do you find piercing attractive or unattractive? h o t Do you have any secret hiding spots in your room? To put money, yes. Do you like parmesan cheese on your spaghetti? Ew, no. I don't like parmesan. Does your best girl friend have any talents that you don’t? Yeah. She can animate well, for one. And sing like a fucking champ. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? My Nintendo DS Lite is in here. Well, and my laptop is a gaming one. What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? ... Oh WOW I've known this man for a fuckin decade and somehow I'm not sure??? But I want to say light blue? Have you ever taken a ride in a helicopter? No. Have you ever visited hot springs? No. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? I'm aware I eat too fast, because my mom will point it out almost without fail if we eat in sight of each other. I'm not a messy eater at all, just... fast. Chewing your food and swallowing isn't a complex task. I've made active efforts to slow down, I just haven't been able to succeed. It doesn't feel normal. That and I've come to discover that when I chew food TOO much, I don't like the mushy texture of it in my mouth. What did you do the last time you were with friends? Yesterday Girt and I planned to watch shitty Netflix anime for some laughs, but we wound up starting Attack on Titan, which I am officially pretty into. What kind of cologne/perfume do you like the opposite sex to wear? I don't care if they wear any or not, so long as they know how to clean themselves and therefore not actually smell bad. If you celebrate Christmas, do you get a real tree or an artificial tree? We always use a fake one. Is there someone who means a lot to you but they don’t know that? My sisters probably don't, really... Is money important to you? Live your whole life poor and I want to see you answer "no" to this. Have you ever watched a meteor shower? No. Do you like Slim Jims? LOOOOOOOVE them. Would you rather write a mystery or love story? Love story. Are you muscular? No. Working for it. Do you have one of those removable hand-held shower heads? Yes. Originally, this house didn't, but I hated it so much that Mom bought one. How many burners does your stove have? Four. Has your car ever been broken into? Mom's hasn't.

[essercipertuttienonperse]

we're the exact opposite ends of the spectrum!!! lmao fjdjs I have zero ambition/career goals and if I could, I would definitely 100% pick not to have a job ever. which makes me so lazy to everyone else but im just 🤷‍♀️ what can i do? I don't understand the rethoric of "you have to be miserable and suffer in order earn the right to exist". over the years I've realised I yearn for nothing more than to be able to have a house that's mine, that I can take care of and decorate and renovate whenever i feel like, and a bunch of pets, and possibly someone i love to spend the rest of my days with. I love learning new things but formal education is Not for me rip so I would just like to spend my time taking care of my house, and learning new things by travelling, reading, studying whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it and on my own, in my own time and for my own private benefit, not to have anything to show to anyone. and sometimes it is literally so hard for me to digest the fact that as a society we have just decided this is not a viable option and i know i know im talking about everything here in the most simplicistic way possible and that in reality everything is infinitely more complex but you know what I mean??? im just so tired. and sometimes the knowledge that no matter what you're destined to never feel the slightest sense of fulfillment and satisfaction is kind of overwhelmingly heart crushing

I've made myself even more depressed now I hate this im so sorry fhdjdj

sorry lmao I went on rambling and this doesn't even have anything to do with what you posted fhdjdjjd

i just wanted to tell you that I've always admired people like you, even though it does sound just as scary and exhausting to feel like you won't have the chance to explore everything you'd like to. but I truly hope you'll get to experience as many difference things as youll be able to fit in your schedule, one day! maybe even just to try a lot of different stuff for shorter periods of time. everyone deserve a chance at finding something that satisfies them, that makes them happy. and i know this shitty hideous world is the furthest thing from fair, and even just the fact that we can afford to fantasise about/desire this stuff makes us privileged in someway but i just. I literally have no other way to cope with the frustration if not to keep alive the smallest fragment of hope that maybe one day it won't feel this bad

now I'm done im sorry im literally thinking about all this 24/7 and reading your post opened a floodgate aaa

hey! sorry I just saw your ask because I went to sleep right after posting that!

anyways personally I think that's a very legitimate dream! personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it and also it's probably wayyy more common than you think! and I hope one day you can have all that and be really happy with it because it sounds really wholesome! also about the formal education thing I totally understand lol tbh I think it could definitely use some work Because for how it is rn ,at least where I live, it's definitely not structured to help students or allow them to find their best way of learning and developing as a person so I totally get that lots of people find it really difficult to be in it and have feel like it'd be much easier to just do it alone (I feel like that a lot too but also for how I am I know I couldn't do it on my own) and also not completing formal education doesn't mean you're not smart or intelligent imo!

and thank you for your words about me!!! I hope we can both find a way to be happy!!! even in this world that seems designed to prevent that!🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[buttercupsfrocks]

What’s on my dressing table? (aka Look at my stuff! Part 1).

Yo, tumblr. It mightn’t surprise you to learn that I’m quite keen on interior design. For some months I’ve been trying to realise some equity on my flat so I can get some work done on it. Starting with some urgent re-pointing of the outside walls. Obviously, not yet being in possession of the requisite funds isn’t the only fly in the ointment just now, but I’m allowing myself to dream about the improvements I’d like to make anyway. To this end I’ve started buying home decor magazines again, but find myself increasingly underwhelmed. I know it’s not just me. They really are duller and blander than they used to be. I have a folder full of cuttings from the first (and last) time I did up the place in the 90s, and there was so much more individuality in evidence. There was definitely a whole lot more colour. It’s the same with estate agents’ websites; I’m so bone weary of understated pearl grey show-homes I could boak. 

I blame the wave of interior design TV shows that proliferated in the noughties. Stuff like The House Doctor which, in ordering sellers to kennel their pets, stick all their belongings in the attic, and paint everything magnolia if they wanted to make a killing, created a generation of entitled, unimaginative buyers who expect every house they look at to be neutral, immaculate and devoid of the previous owner’s personality from the get-go. Time was, unless you were minted, you expected any place you could just  about afford to buy to be a minging fixer-upper by default. I watched a Netflix series not long ago in which a Canadian realtor found properties for a succession of single women and I could not believe how many of them bellyached that the kitchen didn’t have marble worktops and stainless steel appliances. Like, how about you save your pennies, like a fucking grownup, and buy your own when you’ve moved in! Jesus, I once viewed a flat that had brown suedette walls with a collection of German spiked military helmets mounted on them, but that wasn’t the reason I didn’t buy it; I simply didn’t like the layout or the hefty service charge. 

Like those snide gits who comment on one’s “brave “fashion choices, these  gumptionless dullards are guaranteed to look around a home like mine and say, “But what about when you want to sell? Aren’t you worried that your taste will put people off?” I’m not worried about it, mate, more depressed and resigned, but hey, that’s what paint’s for. In the mean time I plan to live here for the foreseeable future and I’d rather live with my taste than yours, not least since you have none. 

*and relax*

So my lovely blogger friend Veronica mentioned that she was doing a What’s On Your Dressing Table? post, and did I fancy doing one, and I thought why the devil not? So to kick off I’ll start by saying I don’t actually like my dressing table very much. Firstly because I used to have a really gorgeous 1930s one, which I was forced to give away when I moved because it was too big for the space. 

(My late dressing table. I can’t believe how little stuff there is on it!)

The other reason I hate my current one is that I didn’t reserve the most perfect - and reasonably priced - Arts and Crafts one I saw first. And I totally could have because the dealers were family friends who would absolutely have agreed to reserve it for the fifteen minutes it took me to get home and measure up. Although I rang them as soon as I had, some geezer had literally walked in off the street and nabbed it five minutes after I left. And because I urgently needed a small, preferably vintage, oak dressing table that would fit, I ended up buying this one. It’s crudely made, had been ravaged by woodworm, and more importantly, wasn’t the other one. To add insult to injury the mirror’s now bust; Not the glass but the bit that holds it together. But anyway...

...this tin, in which I keep necklaces, once contained Sharp’s toffees and came from the Jubilee Market in Covent Garden on antiques day. It looks 30s but it’s a suspiciously 50s palette so I’ve never been quite sure about its age. It was the first present I bought the flat when I moved in because the previous owner really loved baby blue and pastel pink. Because it’s quite shallow it hung on my bathroom wall for a couple of years like a decorative plate, where it looked very fetching with my turquoise bathroom suite. The only thing, incidentally, about the flat’s original decor, which I loved and happily kept.

As you can see, there’s a lot of perspex on my dressing table, and what isn’t perspex is glass. The moulded glass tray was a couple of quid from a chazza, as was the lidded dish, in which I keep my collection of Murano glass rings. 

Most of these came from charity shops too, as did the little china bird.

All my plastic bangles are on a chest of drawers opposite the bed. Only the metal ones live here. The little ceramic ring dish was made by my friend Steve, as was the little blue one on the other side of the dressing table. The perspex box contains Les Néréides brooches and necklaces, all scored in sample or flash sales over the past ten years or so. I bought the blue and gold ceramic brooch on a work trip to Loughborough. I regret I can’t remember the artist’s name and the only clue are the initials B.B on the reverse. My friend Graham bought me the horseshoe bolo tie back in the 80s. Of all the items on my dressing table it’s the oldest and I love that I’m still wearing it. You can just see this little enamel pin leaning against the mirror at the back.

It was the last prezzie my late BFF, Jane, ever sent me so it’s particularly dear to my heart. I will put it in a frame if I ever find one small enough.

This handsome devil is Boz, my first spectacularly handsome and dignified ginger boy. Get a load of the hideous sponged pink walls in the background. It was like sleeping in a summer pudding. Not for nothing was this flat known as Pink And Blue Hell when I first moved in. 

More Les Néréides sample sale bargains. I bought the box in a chazza. The plastic rings are stacked on a cut-out perspex hand. Here’s a close-up of the box on the right, which was a gift from my friend Sarah, who knows I like an aquatically themed item. It looks very much like the 1940s brooches allegedly made from the windows of ex-war planes so I’ve always assumed it was of a similar vintage. It came from the Battersea Antiques Fair many moons ago. There’s yet more plastic bits and bobs inside it.

I love this coaster which was a present from Jayne, my friend in Hastings. There’s another on the chest of drawers beside my bed, which reads “always time for a cuppa”. So true, I find.

Here’s a close up of the detail on the lid of my favourite tin, which cost me a whole 20 pence off a stall at the Hanwell Carnival in the early 90s. Like the toffee tin it contains necklaces.

There are other necklaces in the vicinity. The hook these are hanging on came from the World’s Loveliest Gift Shop (RIP).

Well, that’s pretty much it for the dressing table. Though I wanted to share this chap with you since he lives in my bedroom too...

My Staffordshire ginge! I found him in a Hastings junk shop last summer and he cost me a whole fiver. He’s since been authenticated by an antique dealer friend. I absolutely love him.

Stay tuned for a post about my china cabinet. 

Toodles!

[wereallsaloonaticshere]

Summary: Thompson moves back to America after Edward dies, and finds Eduardo, a bandit, mourning Juan’s death. 

Fandom: Eddsworld, Saloonatics  ~  Ships: TomEdd, Juardo (Eduardo x Juan)

Tw: Drugs, death, grief, implied overdose, cursing, tell me if i need to add any.

Word count: 3,478

He’d expected it to look the same, or roughly, as he had left it.

Yet as he entered the town, the one where he grew up and spent most of his adult years and loved with all his heart, he realized that he should have followed the train conductor’s warnings. 

The place stunk.

Not smelled bad stunk; that wouldn’t have been a change; but depressing stunk. Everything in the town, the shops, the bars, the homes. It all looked... dead.

It was a ghost town. All traces of life were stuck in place, people having likely fled due to the influx of criminals that would’ve occurred after Thompson left. 

He walked into his old favorite bar. The bar was named ‘A good place to start’, which Thompson had always found ironic, but especially now, when his world felt like it was caving in on itself. When it was ending.

Deciding he might as well try, he looked over the counter to see if there was any leftover alcohol. None. Which makes sense honestly, that was usually the first thing stolen, but Thompson just wishes something was there to ease his mind. Make him forget for a little while now, at whatever steep cost he’d have to pay later. 

Thompson slumped into his old bar stool, and held his head in his hands. He didn’t feel like spiraling into another pity party, yet he also didn’t want to move. 

But if he didn’t go anywhere, if he didn’t at least try to distract himself, then what was the point of moving back to America in the first place?

He forced himself out of the chair, and walked out. Wandering aimlessly, he waiting for something to pounce on him from the shadows, but nothing came.

Even the criminals had abandoned this place. 

After some time, he heard soft weeping. A deep voice, one that rang a distant bell that resided on the outskirts of his memory. 

Thompson was, by far, no stranger to crying. So he knew that, if he were crying in a place where he thought he was alone, he wouldn’t exactly want someone intruding. 

So, he tried to walk away, but instead tripped over his own feet and landed on the ground with a thud. Dust from the ground flew into his lungs, and he loudly coughed it out. 

The man he’d heard before was looking straight at him now, eyes wide with surprise and recognition. 

The man he saw was the bandit, Eduardo, if he remembered correctly, who had kidnapped the Prince many years ago. He was wearing a rumpled and dirty green shirt, with hideous, shadowed bags under his eyes. Not that Thompson had any ground to stand on in that department. Both men looked altogether disheveled. 

Eduardo shot up, looking ready to sprint away, but then he just stood there. Staring. 

“What?” Eduardo said, “Aren’t you gonna kill me to?”

Thompson stood up, raising his hands in front of him.

“Hey, I’m no killer.”

“But your friends are.” Eduardo shot back, eyes, already sunken in and red, welling up with tears, “All you cops are. Freaks.”

“Hey! That’s not-”

“If you’re not gonna kill me, at least leave me alone.” Eduardo sunk back down onto the earth, back slumped and head in his hands. 

Thompson walks over to Eduardo.

“Why are ya-”

“The fuck did I say before? Leave.” Eduardo growled, hands pulling on his hair.

“Fine.” Thompson walked away.

He walked until he found an abandoned hotel, not want to go back to his old house and see what the new people had done there. Prying open the doors, he figured the owners wouldn’t mind if he borrowed one of the rooms for a night or two. He takes the first one on the ground floor.

He gingerly takes a compass out of his pocket and places it onto the night stand next to him.

As he climbs into bed and curls the covers around him, pictures of Edward start to rattle around in his brain. 

This is always when things go downhill. Though, with the subtraction of alcohol, it might end with less of a headache and with no embarrassing stories you overhear from other people at work the day after. 

Edward was beautiful, and brilliant, and bold. He would take him up onto the balcony and they would snuggle under a big, soft blanket, looking up at the stars. One night when they did this, Thompson said something that’d been on his mind for some time. 

“Hey, Ed?”

“Yes, Thom?” Edward snuggled closer, and a slight chill went down Thompson’s back. 

“There...there are more stars ‘n your eyes than the whole sky.” Thompson fidgeted with the blanket, studying his own hands. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Edward’s face, bathed in moonlight and dusted with dazzling pink. His own cheeks got warmer. 

Edward raised his hand over his mouth, eyes betraying his smile. 

“Thompson...” The star-y eyed man giggled, “I hope you know that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me before.” He slowly wraps his arms around Thompson, petting his hair softly and cooing other praises into his ear.

Thompson flushed at the flattery, breath wavering. He allowed a small smile, hugging tightly. 

That was the night Thompson was sure he was never going to leave Edward for America, that he would stay with him until the end.

And in that way, he wasn’t lying. He did stay with him until the end. 

Edward and Thompson shared many tender moments, and had built a very unique relationship indeed. But it seemed it wasn’t enough, not for Edward.

He was erratic when they outlawed the original cola. He would sob into Thompson’s arms after waking up from a vivid nightmare, wondering how he would ever feel happy again. Thompson would pretend not to feel a little hurt at the implication that he wasn’t enough, but would swallow it down, not wanting to inadvertently hurt his partner’s feelings. Though that just led to more statements like that, so it probably would’ve been worth the trouble to just say something. 

He would keep Thompson up at night, just talking, saying he was unable to sleep yet exhausted. His superiors had tried to team Thompson up with someone else because of how badly Edward was suddenly doing on all his cases. Thompson refused. 

After weeks of being constantly tired, cold and hungry, the symptoms seemed to stop, suddenly. He was doing better again, oddly enough. 

“Thank God he didn’t go to therapy, like his superiors told him to,” Thompson overheard someone say, “it was probably just a rough patch.”

And it seemed like it was. Everything was better, suddenly. He was getting picked for the best cases, and his superiors were giving him small bonuses again. Sure, it was odd Edward would go to take smoke breaks alone every hour or so, but hey, that’s being a detective for you. It’s a stressful job. 

But soon he would wake up in the middle of the night again, getting chills and tremors even though he was always used to the cold before. Bags would appear under his eyes from waking up so often. 

Thompson begged him to go to a doctor, but Edward denied every time, until Thompson just quietly hoped from a distance.

“Why would I go to a doctor? So they can lock me up and prevent me from doing my job? Preposterous, Thomie. This city; all of England; needs me.” 

“If you say so...”

He didn’t know what to do. Edward was eventually taking so many short breaks he got suspended. Then fired. They of course still needed to pay rent and afford food so Thompson decided to keep working, which left Edward alone for long stretches of the day, and...

Thompson curled into fetal position, feeling a fatigue so strong he could hardly breathe without each one feeling like a sit up. He didn’t even have any tears left to cry. 

He didn’t want to relive the next parts, the ones that made him feel unfit to call himself human. 

Eventually, he fell asleep, staring blankly ahead.

~

Thompson didn’t take much back to America with him. The clothes on his back and enough food and money to help him survive the sea ride were the only things he originally planned on taking. 

Then, as he was trudging out the door, something caught his eye. 

A compass. 

Technically worth nothing, Thompson found it in a pile of mud. But it looked pretty to him, even from a distance, and when he picked it up, he saw intricate gold designs on it. He took it home to clean it. It was broken, however, but Thompson figured he could always get it fixed. 

When Edward found the thing drying on the dinner table, he asked Thompson what it was.

“It’s a compass.” Thompson said, smirking.

“Well, yes, I can see that. What is it doing here?” Edward asked, amused and intrigued. 

“I...I dunno. I found it ‘n I thought it looked nice. So I went and cleaned it up all spiffy for ya.” Thompson picked it up and held it out, “Here ya go.” 

Edward light up, and carefully held it, examining it in the light. 

“Thank you! This is lovely.” He kissed Thompson on the cheek, effectively burning the man’s face off. “I think it’s really symbolical how you found this in the mud but still saw enough beauty behind the hard exterior to clean it.”

“Right...the symbolism.” Thompson had never really been a symbolism ‘guy’. In his mind, if you had something to say, just say it. Don’t make everyone else feel stupid for not understanding how some vague dream or color-coded outfit tie into some bigger, overarching story line. 

“I think it fits you nicely!” Edward beamed, proud of himself.

“You think a dirty, broken compass ‘fits me’?” Thompson raised one eyebrow, leaning on the table with his elbow.

“Oh no! No no no no no.” Edward smiled nervously, waving his hands in front of him, “I simply meant that you finding the beauty in something others would consider trash is...well, quite sweet.”

“...Have others called ya trash before? ‘Cause I’ll beat ‘em for ya, if ya want.” 

Edward chuckled a little before he realized Thompson was dead serious.

“No no, it isn’t that, I just think it’s like your old town.” When Edward said that, Thompson felt a little nostalgic for his old life. Not that he’d trade Edward for anything, of course; he just liked the familiarity of the thought. “Your town seemed rotten with crime at first glance, but you stayed and helped it; why? Because you saw it’s good, and it’s beauty, and the potential it had with a little cleaning up!”

Thompson titled his head and squinted at the floor.

“I...think I understand?” 

“I’m glad I could help!” Edward smiled, and Thompson couldn’t help but reflect it. “I really do think it’s sweet, you know. It proves you notice the little things, and-”

“Alright, alright,” Thompson interrupted, blush furious at the praise, “that’s enough. Thanks, though. Sweet of ya ta interpret it that way.”

“You’re quite welcome!” He kissed him on the cheek again, and Thompson let himself smile dumbly, his eye fluttering shut. “But I think it could also mean you see...”

Thompson had stopped listening at that point, but watching Edward ramble on about things he didn’t know or care about...well, he enjoyed how happy it made him. 

Thompson figured he couldn’t leave the compass there to get taken and thrown away by the bank, he wouldn’t bare it. Even though his entire reasoning in leaving was so he could get away from everything that reminded him of his late...friend, he knew he wouldn’t feel right leaving this behind. So he put it in his pocket and left with it. 

Now it was on the nightstand. Or at least, it should’ve been.

When Thompson opened his eye and saw it missing, the nothing feeling was replaced by panic. 

Flinging the covers off him, he went to check under the bed, but before he could, he saw a flash of color out the window. It was dark green, with a small glint of gold. 

He flew through the doors and ran outside. 

“HEY!” He shouts at the moving figure, better recognizable now. It looks an awful lot like the crying man from before; Eduardo. Thompson sprints with all his might, a swirling inferno of energy replacing the usual dull spark. 

He doges houses and runs after Eduardo, further in the desert. Colors blur together, and soon Thompson has Eduardo pinned down, pressing his wide-eyed face into the dust. He pries the compass out of his hands. 

“Now.” Thompson’s voice was a quiet, tired growl. A warning through gritted teeth. “Why did you try and steal my compass?”

“I...” Eduardo shrinks into himself, eyes closing slowly now. He sighs. “I just wanted to finally leave.” 

Thompson blinks and shakes his head.

“Sure, bandit.” Eduardo tightens his lips. He hasn’t been called that in awhile. Or he just doesn’t like that word. “I’m gonna-” He instinctively reaches for where he usually puts his handcuffs. Of course, he turned them in when he quit. Old habits die hard.

“What are ya gonna do now?” Eduardo asks, “There’s no one else here to help you, and I could get out of this any time.”

“Then why haven’t ya?” Thompson asks, calling his bluff, and Eduardo simply frowns. “I knew it. Now why did ya steal my only...why did ya steal my compass?”

“That’s none of your business.” Eduardo snapped, eyes squeezing shut, “Now let me go.”

“How should I know ya won’t just try n’ kill me? Or something worse?” Thompson asked, tightening his grip. Eduardo grimaced. “Ya said somethin’ about finally bein’ able to leave. If there’s no one else here, why not do that a while ago? Who was stopping ya?” Thompson’s rage had turned to curiosity. Mixed with rage.

Eduardo tried to swallow, making his hair fall in front of his face to mask the expression. A few seconds pass, and Thompson considers asking again, because he wasn’t going to let this go, until he hears quiet sobs from the man. Thompson softens.

“I...” Thompson was never really good at comforting people. That was Edward’s job, mostly. If they were on a case with a grieving widow, Edward was the one to hold them. He would always know just what to say, even when he himself was at his worst. Remembering Edward’s worst moments puts tears into Thompson’s eye.

One time, just two hours after Edward got suspended for a week, Thompson was yelling at him for being so inconsiderate.

“I don’t even know how ya did this!” Thompson had thrown his arms into the air

“I-I don’t either! My job performance is fine-”

“It’s because ya keep taking breaks every 5 seconds! And ya never tell no one what you’re doing! It makes me wonder if ya ever even stopped using-”

“Shut-shut UP!” Edward shouted, then placed a hand over his mouth. Thompson instinctively took a step back. “I’m...I’m sorry, Thompson. Terribly sorry.”

“It’s...” Thompson rarely heard Edward raise his voice. But when he told him to shut up, there was legitimate fear in his voice. Edward clutched his arms, looking at the ground. He shivered. “fine. It happens sometimes.” 

“I’m terribly sorry.” Edward said, almost as if he was apologizing for something else, and walked quickly away. 

The look of regret in Edward’s eyes...Thompson knew he didn’t want to do what he was doing. But it was almost as if he had to. He wanted to stop, but didn’t know how.

Teardrops fell onto Eduardo’s neck. 

“Wha...” Eduardo said, “Are you...can you get off of me?”

“Sure.” Thompson sat next to Eduardo has he sat up. A short silence proceeded, a heavy and curious one.

“What am I doing?” Asked Eduardo, sighing to himself as he fumbles with his necklace. 

“I don’t know.” Thompson wiped the tears from his eye. There was an awkward tension in the air, and they both just wanted to fill it. So, he said the first thing that came to his mind. “I just miss him so much. Edward, I mean.” He blushed slightly.

“Were you two...?” Eduardo cocked his head, eyebrows creased.

Thompson licked his lips. He looked the man over again, and saw that he didn’t have any weapons on him. Of course, he might be able to throw a few punches, but Thompson didn’t find himself caring too much about that. He figured if he had nothing left he cared to lose, why not risk all that remained?

“I loved him.” Thompson kept his eye open when he said this, wanting to see Eduardo’s reaction. He nor Edward had told a soul about their relationship, but he didn’t care all that much about his reputation now, and Edward didn’t exactly have a spotless one anymore. Also, Thompson doubted there was a thing Eduardo could say to hurt him that he hadn’t heard before; offhand in the streets, at church, in crude jokes. Eduardo could never hurt Thompson in a way that mattered, no one could anymore. In Thompson’s mind, that is.

Wide, deep brown eyes freeze and stare into Thompson’s icy blue one. After no signs of joking, Eduardo’s jaw goes slack. 

“I get it.” Eduardo said,  “I just...didn’t know there was another out there, I-I...” Long buried and hated tears soak his eyelashes, “I thought I was alone. For so long.”

“I know. ‘M sorry.” Thompson taps his fingers on the ground, not knowing if he should move to hug him, not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to think.

“Years.” 

Thompson just waits, heart bleeding with familiarity.

“Juan died. A...I loved him.” Eduardo lets out a quick and harsh laugh, “Fuck, I still love him. I miss him so damn much.” He clenches his fists. His entire body is shaking. “I wish I had never called him any names, I wish I hadn’t waited so long to tell him, I wish he hadn’t been...” He buries his face into his hands.

“’M so sorry.” Thompson slowly wraps his arms around Eduardo, which the latter gladly accepts. They stay like that for awhile.

“And I feel like if I leave here...it’d be like abandoning him. I can’t do that, not again.” Thompson could tell it was like flood gates had been opened. The dam he had built to keep his emotions at bay were broken, and nothing would stand in the way of it’s cleansing destruction. “His smile, his clothes, his oh-so-angelic voice...what would I be if I forgot them? Who am I right now, without them?”

Thompson shut his eye tight, realizing that these were questions he had been avoiding answering himself. He felt hollow without Edward, and condolences from well meaning co-workers didn’t help fill that void at all. If he wasn’t already spending all his money on rent, he would’ve spiraled into alcoholism. He was determined to try and take a small part of the burden off this man’s back. No one deserved to feel like they had to cry alone. 

People didn’t understand why Thompson cared so much when Edward died.

People obviously expected grief; but they also expected him back at work by Tuesday. They were just friends, after all. Who mourns for years over their friend? 

Thompson could feel his heart being ripped out when he got pulled to the side one day at his lunch hour. 

“It’s Edward.” His Captain had said. The waters in Thompson stilled. 

“What is it?”

“We found him in an alley, a few miles north of here. I’m so sorry.” 

Thompson simply sat down, for a pressure as heavy as the world had just been set on his shoulders. The tears didn’t come until much later. 

Plaid in all black, he demanded time for mourning. In English etiquette, a widow was to mourn for her late husband for two years. But Thompson was no woman, and Edward and he never married. 

In English etiquette, he was to feel sad, but not too sad. That wasn’t normal. 

He was offered a week, but instead quit the job entirely. 

He lived off his savings, unable to get out of bed some days, clutching the pillow Edward used to sleep on, pretending it still smelled like him, even months after. 

No one deserved to cry alone.

Yet both of them had, too many times. 

For Eduardo had the same weight on his shoulders. But both of them together, finally with someone who understood them, after being dead alone for too long...

It was nice. 

And no one cried alone that night.

[christinamirabilis]

Question thingy cos I’m procrastinating going to bed which I will be heavily regretting at 7:30 when I have to get up for class but yolo

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  I don’t really use any of them tbh, like, I like to have all of my music in iTunes/on my phone - but if I ever stream music it’s actually normally on YouTube.

is your room messy or clean?  Right now it’s very messy, I was supposed to clean it days ago but I’m lazy.

what color are your eyes?  Blue.

do you like your name? why?  I’ve always been indifferent to it - or, really, it’s that depersonalised feel where I tell people my name is Christina and I answer to Christina but when I start to think about it, say it out loud slowly and mindfully, it feels like a foreign object in my mouth.  So I try not to do that because that’s uncomfortable as fuck.  But anyway, yeah, indifferent, but ever since I learned about Christina Mirabilis and how much she has come to mean to me, it’s better, like, it feels like fate I guess.  If such a thing exists, which is another thing I am ambivalent about.

what is your relationship status?  extremely single so if anyone wants to take one for the team and date me, that would be swell.

describe your personality in 3 words or less?  neurotic, means well.

what color hair do you have?  purple

what kind of car do you drive? colour?  sadly I do not have a car, but I do have a scooter, it’s silver.

where do you shop?  like, as in where do I buy my groceries?  Haha lmao but honestly this is so vague.  Bitch I’m poor and fat, I shop anywhere where I can find something that doesn’t look completely hideous and that my card won’t get declined trying to buy.

how would you describe your style?  see above.  Would like to dress way cooler than I do but lack of money, and - more importantly, since thrift shops are a thing when you’re skinny - being fat.

favorite social media account? Tumblr I guess, even though it’s often incredibly frustrating, because Facebook is a shitstain on the fabric of humanity and I don’t have Twitter and rarely use Instagram.

what size bed do you have?  double.

any siblings?  little sister, she’s 25, lives in Melbourne.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  somewhere that is perpetually warm, where I can speak the language well enough to practice as a clinical psychologist, but still in a big city - I’m thinking either Sydney or Queensland, or California.  South of France would be fucking lit too, I guess I know enough French that I could become fluent with total immersion.  Anyway, I just want to be warm year-round, seasonal depression always kicks my ass, I fucking loathe being cold.

favorite snapchat filter?  fuck man I don’t know, I don’t remember the last time I used a snapchat filter.

favorite makeup brand(s)  depends on which type of makeup, I have different favourite brands for different products.  But, generally, cheap, I guess.  Although my two favourite makeup items are an eyeshadow that I got from Topshop, and a Makeup Revolution highlight.

how many times a week do you shower?  most days.

favorite tv show?  that is a really difficult question, I have so many favourites.  Right now it’s Game of Thrones, obviously.  But I think Dollhouse is possibly my all-time favourite TV show.  And right now I’m watching Vikings, which I’m fucking loving, just finished the second season.  Although HONESTLY I don’t give a fuck about Princess Aslaug, when the fuck are Ragnar and Lagertha gonna get back together because Lagertha is my fucking bae.

shoe size?  normally 7 or 8 in NZ sizes, or 38EU.

how tall are you?  5′2″ of pure queer fury.

sandals or sneakers?  docs.

do you go to the gym?  lmao.

describe your dream date?  I’ve done this before but basically - luxury version with the girl I’m in love with involves long extended holiday wandering around the Mediterranean and just having lazy days of eating and napping and swimming and having sex and exploring and shopping. Other than that, I just really love to go to an outdoor bar on a warm summer’s afternoon and have sangria or margaritas or wine and antipasto or tapas, and just chill and chat, and maybe have a sneaky cigarette.  just, like, yeah.  perfect.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?  none, I don’t carry cash most of the time.

what color socks are you wearing?  grey with black polka dots, with a rabbit on each, they used to have pom poms on them for the rabbit’s tale but they’ve long since disintegrated.

how many pillows do you sleep with?  I sleep on one pillow but I have another one on the other side of my bed.

do you have a job? what do you do?  I am a supervisor in a bookstore.

how many friends do you have?  I don’t know off the top of my head, I’m not inclined to sit here and count them.

whats the worst thing you have ever done?  taken my pain out on my own body rather than directing my anger at the people who hurt me.

whats your favorite candle scent?  I don’t know but Sophie got me this Limoncello-scented one from Bath and Body Works in Vancouver but it’s humungous and heavy as fuck so she couldn’t afford to send it to me but I hope maybe when she eventually comes back she’ll bring it with her because I think that would be my favourite scent.

3 favourite boy names?  I don’t know, honestly, I don’t often think about boy names, I guess cos I’m fucking gay as shit so boys never cross my mind in any capacity.  But I like Elliott.  But I also like that name for a girl so idk,

3 favourite girl names?  I have heaps but the first three that spring to mind are Anneke, Rhiannon, and Sinead.

favorite actor?  don’t know tbh.  Probably Harrison Ford as Han Solo, cos he’s my son.

favorite actress?  a hard choice but Emilia Clarke is the one I crush on the hardest so yeah idk.

who is your celebrity crush?  who ISN’T?  I swear I’m in love with half the women in music and film.  Emilia Clarke is a big one, obviously, but also at the moment I’m crushing mega hard on Tash Sultana.

favorite movie?  I don’t know, I’ll just say Amélie because that film never fails to cheer me up.

do you read a lot? what’s your favourite book?  I do read a lot, and I have no fucking idea.

money or brains?  In a partner?  Brains, I guess, although that’s very subjective, given Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences - I guess it depends on what you value.  I, personally, value emotional intelligence.

do you have a nickname? what is it?  Stina.

how many times have you been to the hospital?  Uhhh.  I don’t know off the top of my head, and I probably can’t count accurately because there are a few admissions that I just straight up don’t remember.  At least 10 times, I would say.

top 10 favourite songs?  nah, that’s too hard.

do you take any medications daily?  yeah, I take sertraline (anti-depressant), prazosin (alpha-blocker - for PTSD), and birth control (for PCOS).  I also take magnesium and vitamin D because they’re both fucking lifesaving tbh.

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)  I don’t know.  All I know is that it never fucking does what I want it to.

what is your biggest fear?  The people I love dying, especially my close family.

how many kids do you want?  more than one but no more than three.

whats your go to hair style?  down.  I always wear it down.  I have a pretty large side-undercut, so.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  The house itself is really big, it’s an old villa, but it’s divided into two flats, we’re on the bottom floor.  It isn’t huge, we have a tiny lounge, a slightly-larger-than-average kitchen, and average-sized bathroom/laundry - but our rooms are all fucking humungous.

who is your role model?  my therapist, my old high school guidance counsellor, my friends.

what was the last compliment you received?  Owen said my hair looked good today.

what was the last text you sent?  it was a really long Facebook message to the girl I’m currently talking to, we’re going on a date on Thursday, I’m excited.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?  Idk, I figured it out pretty young, I was a bright kid.  Maybe five or six?

what is your dream car?  I don’t really know.  I like 70s muscle cars but honestly at the end of the day any car is a good car.  Plus, practically-speaking, I would like something that is kind on the environment, an electric car or a hybrid.

opinion on smoking?  I think that it is something people do when they need something to alleviate a distressing situation.  It’s no secret that smoking is more prevalent among the poor and the mentally ill, as well as those with high-stress jobs.  I am an ex-smoker who relapses one or two times a year, the last time I had a cigarette was early April.  I sometimes start smoking again when I am not doing well emotionally or if I’m really stressed (eg during exams).  And I don’t like it, it makes me feel tired, it makes my throat phlegmy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me stink of smoke, and it is fucking expensive, but it meets a need.  So my opinion is that I don’t like smoking, but sometimes it has a hold on me that I can’t resist, and I have the utmost compassion for anyone who smokes.

do you go to college?  yeah, I’m in my last year of my undergrad.

what is your dream job?  clinical child and youth psychologist.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  inner-city suburbs - far out enough to still live in a free-standing house with a garden, but close enough that I can walk to the city, or be there after a short bus trip. That’s the situation I live in at the moment and it’s perfect.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  No, because I’m a snob and only like to use my own shampoo and conditioner.  But I don’t see anything wrong with it, since you’re paying for them.  Taking appliances and dressing gowns and towels, however, is not acceptable in my opinion.

do you have freckles?  Not really.

do you smile for pictures?  Sometimes but I hate having my photo taken so it always looks strained.

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  Not that many at the moment, I just did a big dump of photos onto my laptop, I like to do that from time to time so my iCloud doesn’t run out of space.

have you ever peed in the woods?  yeah, and on the side of the road, and once behind Sophie’s house when her flatmate was taking a really fucking long time in the shower and I desperately needed to pee.

do you still watch cartoons?  nah, but only cos they’re not my cup of tea, absolutely no hate.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?  I’m a vegetarian.

Favorite dipping sauce?  see above.

what do you wear to bed?  pyjama pants and an old t-shirt.

have you ever won a spelling bee?  no, they’re not a thing in New Zealand, but if they were I would have fucking cleaned up - not to blow my own horn or anything but I am a freakishly good speller.  It’s kind of a not terribly useful skill though, and doesn’t say anything about my level of intelligence.  Just like my weird propensity for memorising numbers, even if I haven’t used them in 10 or 15 years (like my NCEA student number, and the mobile number for the cellphone I lost when I was 14).

what are your hobbies?  netflix, napping, and memeing.

can you draw?  nope, not even a little bit.

do you play an instrument?  yeah I play the violin, and I can also play piano, and I’m a decent choral singer, and I was once an okay percussionist, and I am a below-average guitarist, and an abysmal flute player.  But those last three were self-taught so yeah.

what was the last concert you saw?  The Veils BUT I’m going to see Sigur Rós on Friday and I am dying of excitement.

tea or coffee?  peppermint tea.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?  Dunkin Donuts, but not for the coffee, I just really like donuts.  Plus we don’t have Dunkin Donuts in Wellington so it’s a huge novelty for me when I get to have them, I’m almost as excited about getting Dunkin Donuts when I fly into Auckland on Friday as I am about seeing my favourite band live haha.

do you want to get married?  Yes.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?  I don’t currently have a crush.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?  No but I will consider hyphenating if that’s something my wife wants to do.

what color looks best on you?  black I guess.

do you miss anyone right now?  I kinda miss Soph but these days I’m just starting to, like, I don’t know.  Adjust.  Which is nice.  Realising that the way things worked out is for the best, because otherwise I would have been in for a lot of misery.  Even though Sophie is a wonderful person whom I love and care about a huge amount.  Apart from that, I miss being close to Nic, because she is like a sister to me, and I wish that we lived near each other so we could support one another.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?  Closed.

do you believe in ghosts?  No, but I could be convinced to change my mind with enough evidence.

what is your biggest pet peeve?  People with bad manners, it is really not that fucking hard to say “please” and “thank you”?  I mean, I’m talking in a work context here pretty much, customers can be so fucking rude.  And the rude ones are all, without a single exception, baby boomers.  So... yeah.

last person you called?  Owen.

favorite ice cream flavour?  I’m not really an ice cream person but I really like Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, that’s another thing I’m super looking forward to when I go to Auckland.  If it seems like I’m obsessed with food, it’s because I am - but I am especially obsessed with getting all of the bread and sugar I can into myself in the next week because next week I’m starting the keto diet and I’m dying a little inside just thinking about it, I really fucking love sugar and bread.

regular oreos or golden oreos?  regular.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?  rainbow.

what shirt are you wearing?  t-shirt with very thin stripes.

what is your phone background?  beyoncé in the formation video.

are you outgoing or shy?  depends on the context, but mostly shy.

do you like it when people play with your hair?  yeah.

do you like your neighbors?  I don’t know them but they seem nice in passing.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?  always.

have you ever been high?  yes.

have you ever been drunk?  yes.

last thing you ate?  cheesecake.

favorite lyrics right now?  eh.

summer or winter?  SUMMER.

day or night?  Idk I like both, it depends.

dark, milk, or white chocolate?  milk.

favorite month?  January.

what is your zodiac sign?  Aries but I don’t believe in that shit.

who was the last person you cried in front of?  Either my therapist or Owen and Autumn, I can’t remember.  Possibly both, I went through a stage of pretty much constantly crying a couple of weeks back lmao.

[nonpractising-homo-blog]

2016 in a shitty nutshell Pt 1: The Beginning

I missed a whole year, hahahahahaha! Mostly because i spent all my venting energy either having anxiety attacks, hating my existence or writing overwrought and inane doggerel about how I felt. So I flatted for the first time! With two people from my hall of residence! It went as well as you might expect, given that I am useless often. It started with me accidentally orchestrating the meltdown of my first flat (which was to be yet never eventuated) because one of the people was actually kind of a thief of flat funds and also really bitchy and disinterested in helping set up anything???

And so we had some lovely (awful) facebook battles, and I decided to put an end to her slander (as she was whinging to the other member about me and I felt it was really unjust) by being a fucking snake and sending screenshots of our conversation to the 3rd girl. Who then saw I wasn’t quite so awful as the other one was implying, but sent her into a crisis of loyalty because the other one was her friend too. So I fucked up there.

And because they picked a flat that was way out of my budget without including me in that process (it was a students’ association-owned flat, which becomes relevant in a tick) I could not afford to live with them (rent was to be $150, $170ish? a week? Which was gonna fuck me up in terms of buying food, paying for net/power and I told them this). All through this time the one I was at odds with was in charge of finding a forth person as the flat was a 4 room flat. This she did not do, so that fell to me. And I was not a tactful person, oh no - I made it very clear, how pissed I was, and also how bad I felt at being the ‘weak’ one in terms of financial ability - they had their parents to fall back on, but I do not and had had really bad luck in obtaining /paying/ work.

So finally the unfortunate third lady suggested we talk to our landlords-to-be - the student association’s head of assets (her actual title eludes me: it’s been a year and a half). This we do, and she grants us reduced rent (subtracting the amount the forth person would pay when they came) on the condition that we do all we can to find that person. This is because they were themselves having trouble - no one wanted to live in their over-priced student flats.

At this point I was churning through facebook ‘flat wanted!’ posts, trying to find a person - any person! - and the few I could get to come view the flat were put off by the flatmate I was fighting with, who had immediately moved in to the flat. It got to the point where she was whinging at me daily about the situation, I was snarking back, the third girl was stressing the fuck out because ???sudden fighting?? and I spent two weeks bawling my eyes out every night because I was shit scared of making a wrong decision - do I live with this girl I cannot stand in a house I cannot afford and have an awful year or do I betray them both and be a selfish bitch by ditching them? I voiced my dilemma to the third, non-antagonistic one, and her mum called me to say her daughter was crying and stressed and this woman and her husband would cover the rent needed to keep their daughter happy. It’s never good when someone’s parents get stuck in. Although she was actually a lovely lady despite my terror.

So now there was a third hideous problem - having a family waste their hard-earned cash because we couldn’t get our shit together? Now I imagine most people would have taken this at face value and said: yes, I will accept this means of affording this house. And truthfully that offer pushed the flat into the just-affordable zone for me. But me, a bitch, could not live with the guilt of ???spending someone else’s money??? when I knew that a) they could have easily put their daughter in a nicer place then if they were the paying sort and b) there was a 80% forecast of total meltdown on my part if I made myself live with the girl who hated my fucking guts by that point. And looking back I think two sporadically depressed people would have made for a hellish household. The rest is kind of a blur, since by that point I was at (what then was) peak anxiety (I later found out that I could do better than that! Tune in for more stupid stuff!) and felt paralyzed by indecision and guilt. A very clear memory is me sobbing at ?am, trying to keep my loud crying under control, after spending hours playing dwarf fortress because it was far easier getting my head around this hellish learning curve than it was to face my own cowardice, inadequacy and fear. And I genuinely wanted to have never been born, because the only option I could see ahead was betraying these two people who were both actually good people at heart and I was the evil one. That, by the way, will be a recurring theme for 2016. It ended in the protoflat dissolving and both girls going on to hopefully live happy lives (the one whose mum called me certainly has; we’re somehow still friends on facebook. Dunno about the one I fought with: we blocked each other. I’d like to think she got help for her depressive episodes though). We met up to return the keys, I met the non-antagonist’s dad who scared the everloving fuck out of me (a coward) and we all probably got blacklisted from the student association’s housing for our inconsistency and untrustworthiness in not staying to live there. But now I was to be homeless, waiting for my hall of residence contract to run out in two weeks. Which is where the next part of this self-serving and probably biased account picks up.

[swelldomains]

Web Morons and Those Who Pander to Them, Please Stop, You`re Ruining the Internet

A Rant, by Naoise Osborne

I have a close friend who runs a site for an item that hasn't already been designed yet. Seriously. He's a smart guy who's half domainer and also half lazy SEO (god blesss' im), and a while back he chose that electronic wall surface schedules are an item that must, one day, be invented. Being a Search Engine Optimization he also realized that already individuals are searching for them, expecting them to exist - So he headed out as well as acquired digitalwallcalendars.com as well as electronicwallcalendars.com, as well as made them right into actually standard info sites, acknowledging that there is need for this item, so somebody please make it (Tungle you hear that? Call me, I'm in Montreal, this ought to be your commercial property plan). He runs Adsense. The ads, quite clearly, could not have much of anything to do with digital wall calendars, since - THEY DO N'T FREAKING EXIST, yet he confesses to me that he's unwilling to include much of any type of even more web content to the website, due to the fact that for whatever factor, incomprehensible to him, individuals are actually clicking the ads. Why transform that? The depressing truth of the issue is that a great deal of the advertisement networks and websites that present them pander to, and also are made use of, by web morons - people who barely understand that they're clicking on an ad when they do. These advertisement networks are embracing the most affordable usual denominator, as well as benefiting from them. Internet site owners revenue, as well as have no motivation to transform the woeful standing quo.

A whole lot of the moment these are older people who aren't able to obtain their heads around the subtleties of Internet life and also just how individuals interact online, however sometimes they're simply culturally separated from an understanding of those nuances (hillbilly tech any person?). Certainly there are various other web morons (each time I read Youtube comments, I die a little in), from the future generation, not the last, as well as the only factor they could bite the dirt is a heaven sent out epidemic of the Darwin impact (an atheist makes a quiet prayer, as well as he means it dammit). The older generation's Web experience is ruined by their absence of recognizing that they're being capitalized on or underserviced, while the younger generation's Internet encounter appears to exist exclusively to ruin MY Web encounter. That young web morons are empowered to spout their valueless spoken diarrhea on the biggest websites in the world is a byproduct of the technology of internet 2.0, and also the attitude of liberty of speech being a free-for-all. With little to no content treatment, the free-for-all ends up being a worthless cesspool of non-information. The general public net degrades in value, passing reason and objective to the privatization of the world's evolving info innovation, restricting accessibility to high quality content, and so essentially, making knowledge an exclusive advantage. Who's at mistake for all this mediocrity? You, me and the powers that be. Ad networks are not the only online entities accepting the ordinary, the majority of the world's largest web sites do it also, and also we the individuals feed the cycle by contributing to the melee with absolutely nothing noteworthy at all. Well, it's nearly 2010, as well as I do not truly respect flying automobiles, yet seriously, individuals that make the globe go rounded, individuals who browse the web, every one of you pay attention to me, I'm sick of seeing the Net court the (s) lowest usual , so repair it. One site at once, right here's some guidance:

Myspace Anthropomorphically

I hate you. If I'm ever lonely during the night, having problem dropping off to sleep, all I have to do is believe about the millions and also millions and numerous other souls just like myself that likewise hate your digestive tracts, as well as I feel a bit much better concerning the world around me, and also could get on a calm rest. You resemble the strip shopping mall in the poor part of community that offers only inexpensive plastic keepsakes pleading to be taken house thus many flea ridden roaming canines. Myspace Users: Musicians - You required a myspace web page in 2005, and also yes, also in 2010 you must have a presence there that lets people find your real website, but quit thinking about it as your residence, or even a hub - your myspace address is not exactly what you must be advertising and marketing, there are lots of totally free methods to quickly stream your music from your personal domain and also correctly communicate with your followers on your own website. A domain name and also hosting price NEXT TO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and also there are professionals out there that will certainly help you do just what you should do - if you're focusing on pimping your myspace page, quit, go compose a chord development, and carry on. While it's good for networking, and it might be for an additional couple of years yet, use it, yet begin considering it as a channel to communication, not an end. It's unsatisfactory. Comedians: (a lot of individuals do not know however comedians embraced myspace early on for the exact same factors musicians did) - same offer kids as well as ladies, you want to advertise yourself online, usage myspace for networking and also exposure while it lasts, yet hurry the heck up and obtain a slick site up, running, and also established, such as this Montreal based stand up - THAT 'S just how you market yourself, make use of myspace as a commercial property card to aim people to a place where you can actually obtain your message throughout. It's 2010, there are no technological obstacles any longer. 12 year old girls: mature. Any person else feel they have to use myspace? Myspace owners: Rupert, your personal insight, like for the 12 year olds. Excellent information, it's dying:

Craigslist, anthropomorphically

I enjoy you, yet you're like the woman I dated in College 10 years later. You never truly matured, never created, you never ever did anything to boost on your own, and the years have actually not treated your appearances so well. Put simply, you're hideous, you're useless outside the one point I use you for (you understand exactly what that is, and also if you believe that's enough for me to stick about should something better gone along, think again), and also I simply do not expect to be good friends with you in the future. Cut your legs. Craigslist users: There is absolutely nothing you can do. You don't even know that you're being fed ten year old use which the Web has the prospective to be sooooooooooo a lot far better. You resemble a child who has actually been raised in a storage, never ever having seen natural sunshine, never ever having actually checked out anything yet communist age propaganda schoolbooks. Just how could you know any type of better? Naturally you couldn't. It's not your fault. Please do not be angry with the globe, though understand it is your right. Craigslist owners: Check out that wired magazine post right through, swipe the tens of countless dollars well worth of free design insight and also invest the one week it would require to make your site not draw a lot. I understand you do not care that it draws butts, possibly you're over suckery, I do not fairly know, but actually, it's no skin off your back, and if it would certainly make the masses delighted, can you explain to me why it is that you don't care? You recognize also your granny would certainly detest your website. Why do you despise your very own granny? Let me presume. You uncommitted to tell me. Bad information, people aren't sure just what they want:

Google Adsense anthropomorphically:

You are the worst point that has ever before taken place to the Web in the history of the Net. Why do you assume its all right making your promotions resemble web content, obscuring the line for almost a slim portion of web customers who can differentiate? Does it make you feel premium to take advantage of all the small Intelligences around who are never ever quite certain if they're clicking a message ad, or a genuine item of web content? Exactly how do you sleep at evening? Oh that's right, pleasantly on a billion buck cushion. Google Adsense users: Hmm, this is pointless, individuals who do not know that they're clicking an ad are not going to read this. Everybody else, just move on. Web designers who use it, I cannot condemn you, it's the easiest dollar, but count on an old-school associate, there is better money to be made with actual programs, they're simply a whole lot even more job to range intelligently to your content. Effort develops engines. Google Adsense owners: Okay, I have actually been an associate for concerning 12 years now, and also I've never ever EVER encountered an associate design program that treats their associates as HORRIFICALLY as you, dear Adsense owners, treat yours. You men are much more uneven compared to the gambling establishment and porn sectors put with each other, in an uncomfortable position. Why, when the account I have actually made use of for 6 years and definitely pounded with spam, from shallowmaker and past, have you never even missed out on a repayment by a day, but lots of others who have disgustingly tidy accounts are terminated, funds took, emails ignored, and also kicked to the visual. If you were trying to contend with other associate programs you would certainly have failed a long period of time earlier due to your absolutely worthless lack of client service, you're pointless 'I make the guidelines, screw any individual who gets in my means' approach, as well as your tendency to take from straightforward people, without also the thanks to a personal 'screw you'. Instead, you imitate any type of various other rich prick, and just do exactly what you want at poor people's expense.

Google Search anthropomorphically:

I guess I can not blame you for courting the masses, except, that's sort of the factor of this post, so right here, let me blame you. You're killing the world. Please stop attempting to convince people that of their responses can be found behind your little white search box. The entire principle of universal search is going to dumb down the part of the populace of the world that haven't found out how you can discover yet. People need to develop the ability of vital thinking, as well as create the ability to certify understanding, yet the masses are letting your ranking formula do that for them. I'm not exactly sure just how to repair that- but you recognize, at least be friendly with black Google. Racism isn't cool. Google Search users: Stop it. Quit taking your life, your collection, your research, your whole freaking creating mind, and outsourcing it to Google. It's ineffective. Your mind will certainly atrophy. You'll grow up without any kind of abilities and also an overdeveloped feeling of entitlement. You will just come to be an additional Paris Hilton, and also our society will certainly pass away. Google Search owners: Hey, geniuses, 'universally accessible' implies EVERYBODY no matter of creed, colour, religion, socioeconomic status, or LOCATION. Quit catering overbearing federal governments who run over civils rights so you can make money - all you're doing is circulating misuse as well as human suffering. Catering the highest possible common measure is no better than the cheapest, if the luxury is about maintaining the proletariat down.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #284

“mama, we’re all full of lies / mama, we’re meant for the flies”

When was the last time you changed a lightbulb? About a month or so back I had to change Venus’ heat lamp. Who was the last person you sent an e-mail to? I emailed my older sister the OneDrive link to her holiday pictures I did. When was the last time you visited the dentist? What about the optician? It’s been quite a few months since I went to the dentist for a normal cleaning. I haven’t seen an eye doctor in around a year or so because it’s a less pressing matter, and we can’t afford to buy me new glasses anyway. I desperately need them. Do you sleep on your side, your back or your front? My side, stomach, or like a contortion of both. Would you rather drive or be the passenger? Let me be shotgun controlling the music and I’m set for a long ride. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter? Sara sent me one I think two years ago for my birthday. If you have pets, do you buy them gifts for Christmas or their birthdays? Ha, yes. We don’t know either’s exact birthday though, so we don’t really “celebrate” those. Do you know how to ride a bike? How about ride a skateboard? A bike, yeah. I don’t know how to skateboard, though. Did you get enough sleep last night? How much sleep is enough sleep for you? No. I don’t even know what “enough sleep” is. I’m always tired. What are your favourite condiments? Do you use those often? Ketchup and honey mustard probably top the list, considering they’re the ones I use most. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth? Do you have a favorite brand? I trust no one who can enjoy crunchy peanut butter. I like Skippy quite a bit. Do you have any life-threatening allergies? No. Have you had to take a COVID test yet? Was it positive or negative? I haven’t needed to take one. Do you think it’s okay to keep cats indoors for their entire lives? They SHOULD be. Cats are very destructive and disruptive predators of once-stable environments. They fuck up the food chain and have done a lot of damage to native populations. This is coming from a person whose house was an absolute NEST for cats to the point they were taken away. They lived outside, and I can only imagine the harm they really caused. Of course, as a kid, I didn’t understand this, but as an educated and experienced adult when it comes to this subject, it’s saddening to look back on. Please, keep your cats inside. AND FIXED. Hence our cat empire lmao. Do you think people should need a license in order to keep animals, just to make sure they knew how to properly take care of them? That would actually be LOVELY. If only. Not that it would entirely prevent illegal ownership, but I like to think most people are law-abiding citizens… Which meal of the day is your favorite? What’s your favorite thing to eat for that meal? BREAKFAST! Cinnamon rolls just gotta top the list. When was the last time you bounced on a trampoline? Would you ever want to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks? It has to have been so, so many years. My knees could NEVER take that now. I’m not interested in that. What’s your favorite thing to put on a baked potato? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits… yum. Have you ever made money selling stuff online? What was it you were selling? I don’t think so, at least not successfully. Do you have a valid passport? When was the last time you used it? No. What was the last song you sung along to? I’m unsure. I rarely sing along to songs. What was the last piece of fruit you ate? What about the last vegetable? Fruit: apple. Vegetable: ummm I’m actually unsure. Probably broccoli. Have you ever lied to the police or a customs official? Were you ever found out? No. Are you much of a procrastinator, or would you rather get things out of the way so you can relax? I am a HEAVY procrastinator. When was the last time you took an exam of any kind? I don’t know. Probably not since I was in school. What snacks/drinks from your childhood do you wish they still made? Ah man, I know there’s some… just too many to dig through to try and remember. Are you a fan of techno? Yeah, sometimes. Who's your favorite horror movie villain/monster? I don’t particularly like one over the other. What's an 'obsession' of yours that most people would find odd or amusing? Probably how much I love Mark, given that being a “fangirl” is usually seen as juvenile. What's the sweetest thing another person has said or done for you? Probably Colleen letting me live with her while I was homeless for a month or two. Said to me, actually from Colleen’s sister; I was having a crying episode over Jason and she just grabbed my head and told me with such passion that I was so beautiful, strong, and deserved the world. Safe to say I started crying more lmao but at least it wasn’t from sadness. What's the absolute best feeling in the world? Being in love. Does the person you have feelings for know you feel that way? Yeah. Do you like Tim Burton? Um, duh. How do you feel about hypnotism? I don’t believe it works. It’s just the power of suggestion. How do you feel about Pink Floyd? I’m not a big fan, but I like some songs. What’s your preferred way of keeping fit? Is it something you make time to do on a regular basis? You assume I AM fit… but I really am trying to change that with WiiFit again, once the living room is cleaned up. I plan to insert it into my morning routine. Have you ever raised a puppy? Would you want to or would you prefer to adopt an adult rescued dog? Yes, Teddy. Right now I don’t want another dog, but hypothetically, I’d absolutely go for an adult rescue. Who was the last person to come to your house? Were they an expected visitor? My younger sister. Yes. If you work, is your job the same everyday, or does it vary depending on what you have on? N/A Would you ever be interested in owning your own business? Why or why not? Well, I want to be a freelance photographer, so… It’s not off the ground enough for me to *officially* call it a business, but while it’s absolutely so exciting to picture, it’s also very anxiety-inducing, the idea of it (hopefully) getting to that point since I’m dumb as fuck in regards to business stuff. Do you have your driver’s license? If so, did you find it easy or difficult to learn and pass your test? Ugh, I don’t. I need it so badly, I know, but right now, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because my vision is too bad to possibly pass that part, and I can’t afford to see an eye doctor + get a new prescription. If you have pets, how often do you buy them new treats and toys? Venus is a snake, so… yeah, lol. She needs a bigger terrarium, though, but a 40 gallon is expensive. Roman gets a new toy every now and then, but he doesn’t play with them as much anymore. If you had to work a job that required you to do shifts, would you rather work the early, late or night shift? Early. Get it over with. Do you have a favorite type of survey to take? Yeah; I like the ones that make me think or are just questions I definitely haven’t seen before but are also interesting. Some random questions are way too specific to apply to most people. On a typical day, how long do you spend out of the house? Even before the pandemic, usually zero time. Do you live in a close-kit community? Well we’re the new family on the block, so it’s hard to tell quite yet. People were welcoming, though. Do you have a vlog? NOOOOOOOOOO. If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? No, I would feel WAY too fuckin awkward. Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? AM. What are your favorite YouTube channels to watch? The whole world knows Markiplier is my true favorite channel, but lately I’ve really been digging pet (particularly reptile or tarantula) channels, Snake Discovery in specific. I’ve been bingeing the fuck outta them. I’ve officially become the “I know more than you” Petco meme lmao. Which relative(s) do you look the most like? Idk. Have you ever watched a live birth video? FUCK no. I never would. That could be so fucking scarring to middle school kids, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never understood why they show them in a lot of health classes. Have you ever given birth? Fuck to the no; never plan to, either. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Nah. Have you ever worn overalls? Ugh, as a kid. They’re so hideous to me now. If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? I was in the 6th grade, so 11-12. Is your mom mentally stable? I mean she has depression, but otherwise, yeah. What color hair did your first crush have? I can’t really remember who my first crush was with certainty… but I think I might. If I’m right, blond. What was the name of your first crush? ^ in minds, I think Aaron. Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you remember your first email address? Haha, yeah, it’s still my current one… Did you name your Lego characters? I was more of a Lincoln Logs kid. Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? Both. If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? I’d probably be dead without at least my mood stabilizers. Have you ever had a bag stolen? I don’t believe so. Who was your best friend in high school? Hannia. What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? Ha, no books or movies, I think, but remember King Ramses from that episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog? Oh, trust me, I HAD NIGHTMARES. What song makes you cry? The most, probably “Eternally Yours” by Motionless In White. I physically cannot listen to it. Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? Maybe Mom? Idk. How many teachers have you had crushes on? None. Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? I actually don’t remember? I don’t think we had any male Barbies, and of course as a little kid raised in the South especially, I didn’t even realize homosexuality was a thing, so we never considered the girls dating. Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? ^ How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. Do you have scars from self-harm? No, they’re long faded and were thankfully never very severe. Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? Yep, it gradually turned brown. Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? We’re the same height. Would you ever consider adopting a child? I don’t want kids, period. The only possible case I see is being a stepmom, but even then I can’t visualize me being one to an actual kid-kid. Just like, maybe a mid-teen and above. Do you trim your own hair? No. What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? I’m very surprised that I don’t remember many at all. I know I was a witch multiple times. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? I adored almost every pet my family has ever had. Our first was a stray cat named Chance we took in. INCREDIBLE animal. What color was your nursery? I have zero clue. Do you exercise regularly? Ugh, no, but I genuinely plan on changing that once the living room is cleaned up and Mom moves into her room. I’m very serious about starting Wii Fit again. I WAS gonna start walking once we moved here, but I found I was too scared to alone. I’m way too paranoid. Do you have a healthy BMI? lol What photo editing software do you use? Lightroom, Photoshop, and very rarely PhotoScape if I’m being lazy with watermarking my photography. Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals? Livestock, yeah. You pass cows all the time around here. If you’re in a more wooded area, you’ll find roadkill kinda frequently, sadly. Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban? Rural. It’s the only thing that sucks about our new home – we’re in the suburbs. Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not 100%, really. If the day was truly awful, sometimes nothing helps. If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead? I vent to my mom the most. What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity? My room, and it’s by choice. The second room that I wanna make my “office” is still LOADED with stuff from moving. If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you? I don’t want a garden. Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep? It can take me very, very long. I dread lying down some nights just because I know I’ll be tossing and turning for a good while. If I’ve tried to sleep for a long time to no avail, I do what you shouldn’t do and get back on the laptop. Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them? This depends on the animal and situation. I do believe some rescue cases are justified for the animal’s survival, but as the question mentions, you need to be able to provide adequately for it to be moral imo. I do NOT support exotic pet ownership for the average person. If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it? I could never eat a “pet” animal, nor an animal hunted mostly for sport. Even in survival cases, I’d have a hard time eating a wild animal.