#its FINE. im fine. im not gonna die in here. its fine
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I WILL BE WALKING OUT OF HERE IN ONE PIECE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT COMES AFTER!
#txt#transmissions from lyric#guy whos doing fine voice. haha yeah im normal about heel turn 2#its FINE. im fine. im not gonna die in here. its fine
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Sometimes I think I'm really emotionally intuitive and other times, like today, I'm literally the stupidest person on earth.
Am exhausted from sudden travel for unexpected funera. Have not slept nearly enough the last few days. Am staying with my father's family which means zillions of relatives I barely know or outright dislike, trying to follow conversation in a dialect I don't understand, or else standing awkwardly in the doorways. Basically just my one cousin who deigns to speak English to me, plus her 6 month old and the puppy. The food is terrible I haven't seen a vegetable in 3 days. Have been running the funeral home/wake/funeral mass/cemetery rounds for the last 2 days and while my grief isn't as severe given we weren't close, it's still a horrible tragic death, there's a crying motherless 5 yr old, and I'm surrounded by people grieving in an already EXTREMELY messy family situation. My dad's cousin has managed to make fatphobic and homophobic jokes within 24 hrs. Also the Casual Racism of this entire branch of the family. Missing work unpaid, job interview prep, my fkin artist hasn't gotten back to me abt my tattoos.
Also me. Hey I wonder why I'm so on edge and exhausted???? A mystery I'll never solve
#the duality of fran#literally i just want to go to bed#my OWN brd#with PROPER FOOD. VEGETABLES. A FRUIT EVEN#not just meat fish potatoes#IM SURVIVING ON BREAD AND BUTTER which is delicious but also#my body cannot eat just bread im gonna fuckin die#and the near constant headache between bouts of crying like#i also got roped into serving the funeral mass bc the family are not regular church goers#so my dumb ass who doenst even Know the french mass parts#was better equipped to serve#which. fine. but like. im HANGING ON BY A THREAD#and i have to be here to manage my father's emotions#instead of grieving in my own way. which sure#maybe its not dramatic given my cousin and i werent close#but she was young. it was horrible and tragic. and sudden.#and sure her illness and suffering are over.#but i still think i should be allowed to be moody
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"ethical killing" sounds like an oxymoron to me idk why
#will ponder on this#my brain just saw this term and went “??????”#txt#i dont think humans always have to be ethical we should just admit we do fucked up things sometimes idk.. like killing in this instance#although humans are the only creatures who even care about ethics. ethics are a “social construct” right?#anywho im gonna overthink and ponder for a while this fine morning#theres only a few instances where i see killing as ethical as in the good outweighs the bad but idk if i should list them#like would killing an abuser who brings only terror to the people around them be ethical? or#im talking like very very violently and sxually abusive. like an absolutely dangerous person. is it ethical?#anyway this whole thing was just in reference to killing animals for food and here i am overthinking#i guess ethical killing would mean no pain. at all. but is it ethical if the creature didn't consent to die and we inflict it anyway?e#like no matter how kindly we kill or how mucy the good outweighs the bad; is it “ethical”..#anyway i still think sxual abusers should die yet i scoff at killing animals if we dont need to for survival#maybe something is wrong w me for these opinions idk lol yet. i still hold them#im willing to admit im maybe a bit of loon idc tho. even if “ethical killing” of animals is a thing we are so far removed from it nowadays#templin grandin tried her best to make the slaughter process less stressful but i don't know if its enough
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im never changing my phone, there's nothing wrong with my phone
#my current phone is a 2019 model and my mom gave me her old phone bc she bought a new one from her friend#her phone is a 2021 model and i dont understand it at all idk where anything is here the gallery is so weirdly organized#brother it doesnt even separate videos from pictures like my phone does#also my phone is still perfectly fine its only the power button that doesnt work anymore and its got craks on the screen but#it works perfectly well so im just gonna use it till either it dies or i die#nothing wrong with my current phone#rant#gh0ost txt
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Why can’t my words and actions just not be horribly incorrect for one FUCKING SECOND
I can’t satisfy friends
I can’t satisfy jobs
I can’t satisfy anything or anyone ever everything every action I take every single thing I say IS ALWAYS WRONG WHY am I so FUCKING STUPID but have to stay alive???? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HERE IF ALL I HEAR IS THAT I DISAPPOINT and am WRONG WHAT do you WANT
#tw suicidal#tw depressed#drunk thoughts#rant#im fine everythings fine im fine#its fine#literally everybody hates my dumbass at work the second i walk in every fucking day i can Feel It In The Airwaves#i swear to god i move my right hand and someone's like 'thats wrong u broke something'#or i say a word and my roommates like 'wtf is wrong w u'#BUT ITS FINE ITS ALL FINE#for the love of god can i just breathe correctly that is literally all im asking i just want to live A DAY without Being Wrong#LIKE I HATE ME TOO BITCH IM NOT HERE FOR ME YOU'RE JUST GONNA BITCH IF MY OFF MYSELF SO SHUT THE FUCK UP#maybe ill just die tonight#prob will do that wrong too but then i wont have to worry abt it
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Gundam 0079, an experimental film,
#I have 2 episodes left.#Ok Im pretty disappointed the gundam didnt give Amuro powers but its fine I guess.#I usually really hate psychics in sci fi but Im not that mad about it here at least its leading to alot of cool sequences#Lalah's death scene ruled. jesus#Still very into Gundam. I keep forgetting I know Char's not gonna die or I'd say I think Char's about to die.
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damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me
#vent/#this is probably not the last time i will have this crisis either. right up til graduation. itll keep happening over and over again#i had a miserable social record all through secondary school im not exaggerating when i say university literally taught me how to#make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people)#and now its like. ah. right. thats over. where do i go from here.#late june through early august is gonna be completely fine i just need to not lose my mind until then#but after that.. well i am not having a great time thinking about it#living on my own seems miserable but i dont know anyone in This country well enough to make roommate plans#and. well i will stop here before i talk myself into a spiral but man. this is why my social energy is still through the floor#i love my online friends to death but the past few years have taught me everything is so much better with a varied diet as it were#i will not Die if i have to go back to 24/7 discord recluse im very grateful to have good friends in my puter#but god. i will miss Seeing people. very very badly#im sorry i know not responding to messages seems counterproductive rn but. idk i have a lot of wires crossed;;#ill work it out eventually#im the cheetah threatening to go insane in captivity i need someone to put one of those dogs in my enclosure/j
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feel like shit n i want 2 die
#im aware its 2am and everything will feel less in the morning but until then im gonna feel like shit n wanna die#im fine and safe i just need to whine n bitch abt it here bc i don't have anyone to go to apparently
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#went 2 a party + i feel like dirt like idk i feel so ugly + gross + at the same time i feel like ive gotten less ugly since i came out +#i look better as a guy but i still feel. not good + also party was at my family friends house + we were lookin @ pictures from when we#were kids like 8-14 ish and ughhhhh im so weird looking + also i was so skinnnyyy then i wanna die........................................#like theres a photo of me + two friends + ummmmmmmm i just want to die im sorry this is majorly stupid idk what im talking about#+ i just feel like me + my best friend have nothing to talk about + i have no friends + it has 2 be my fault because im like. the only#common factor in nobody liking me + i just feel like shit!! and i dont want to be like whiny and annoying and ugly and unfunny but im#not doing it on purpose............ ughhhh like ive changed so much in 2 yrs bc i was like whatever im doing is making people not like me +#i felt weird so i was like im just gonna change rlly hard + like i dont think its that easy but i am different bc i keep my mouth shut more#+ now i feel like i was more likeable before i hated myself + tried to be someone else but its like an endless cycleeeeee#whatever im just so miserable + at least when i was like more suicidal + fucked up i felt smart + less ugly#and also i hate my family + i dont want to live here + i hate my town but i dont want people to not like me but i do + i just feel like i#ruined my life............#ANYWAY IM FINE THOUGH. im goin to bed + everythings gonna be ok in the morning 🕊️#✉️
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God. Even with everything yeah. Radiations still gonna fuck with him. Someone's gotta be Tricks' inner voice to stop him even when/if he's loose.
Divert the energy to Toshiko, doing everything he can but humans can't lose that much blood. Not from where she was shot.
Yelling for the Captain as Gwen does more, but Tricks would've known the moment he got there, there wasn't enough time.
And oh how that'd *haunt* him
#s/i: doctor who#im. so okay im so okay.#Tricks later on begs that through some miracle the past Doctor he needs could come back and talk some sense into him but that can't happen#Imaging now. fucking hell.#'Youre all right Tosh. That's it. This'll hurt but I'm gonna press down for you okay? Gonna stuff the gunshot wound right? Just like O-- jus#t-- JACK. JACK OVER HERE. You're going to be fine. All fine!' as calm as he can. You're supposed to be calm to keep them calm right?#Jack has to move him after. Tricks tells him very softly 'Ive seen people die. I've been the cause of it before. I've seen truly horrific#stuff with the Doctor. *Jack*' and his voice breaks. 'Not like this. Not her. Not my friend.' and just. god. What do you tell a crying demon#then. Its not like he has anyone. No one but you. And a parent in space. Who you said. Told. that you'd protect them.
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my baby sister accidentally dropped half a bourbon biscuit into my dog’s water bowl and bc he’s stupid he got rlly confused and just stared at it for 7 full minutes. I was facetiming my mum and she turned the camera round so we could just both watch him try and figure it out while we talked. Eventually he just tried to eat the soggy bourbon that was more like chocolate mush and we had to intervene. We are unsure how he is still alive though he shows no signs of kicking it so. you know. thats the update on the idiot.
#sometimes i remember i made a little memorial post on here bc my mum called me in tears saying that this was it and he was gonna die#and i even bought a fucking train ticket down for the next day bc they were so sure#then he was just. fine.#just perked up. not a hint of anything he was showing the day before.#HE WAS SIMPLY PUTTING IT ON FOR ATTENTION#and then the moment he got what he wanted (a walk in the river) he was just like ‘oh yeah no im cool its cool i have a few more months left’#hes such an asshole like love him was my first proper childhood pet ect ect but i get why my mum keeps threatening to turn his ears into a#nice pair of spotty gloves. like i get it.
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OO has me in a fucking vice grip with the urge to lunge at Seph's throat!!!!!!! I can't fucking believe he convinced Kadaj to join him!!!!!! I'm gonna go fucking feral!!!! Leave my sonboy alone!!!!! He has no free will!!! He keeps being used for what Jenova wants cuz of the cells and he keeps being used by Seph as a remnant!!! Daj can never truly have something of his own accord cuz of the very meaning of his existence!!!!! He can never be an individual cuz of them, but without them he wouldn't exist!!!! LET HIM BE HIS OWN PERSON!!!!
And to top it off, Team Ninja dangles a Loz and Yazoo tease in my face after I just said I need Kadaj to have his real brothers back!!!! FUCK!!!! I FUCKING HATE FINAL FANTASY!!!!!!!
#i love kaien trying to help even tho this has nothing to do with him. thank you grandpa 🥺#kadaj and repliku would be a match made in heaven. i want them to talk and go on a murder spree for funsies together#im gonna kill seph so fucking hard. i hate it here!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#at least now i know why kadaj and seymour team up to be ducklings to weiss. tho im not caught up to know how/why they leave seph yet#im just. im gonna die man. im so happy OO added kadaj and gave him so much development and i love that the game takes characters seriously#but god. do they have to keep tormenting MY FUCKING SON!?!?!?!#LET HIM RETURN TO HIS NEW MOM AND DAD (zack and aerith)!!!! GIVE HIM HIS LITTLE BROTHERS BACK!!!! GIVE HIM FUCKING FREE WILL!!!! FUCK!!!!!#its such a good time to be so abnormal about a 2005 one off sequel movie villain. genuinely. it just hurts at the same time#i also like how everyone's fine with kadaj and is even trying to help him cuz despite being morally gray. at least hes against seph.#so hes a good kid in their books 🥺#brb gonna go speedrun the og 7 real quick so i can beat seph's ass in the name of my best boy#also when we get loz and yazoo i wonder if theyll be a joint unit like in brave exvius of if theyll be seperate but released back to back#like reno and rude 🤔#i was expecting sonon or nero next but i do think they wont come until after part 2. while i want genesis most then. i would actually rather#have the baby bro duo if it means they have a real chance of getting in. i didnt actually believe it would be possible. but no it looks real
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im actually extremely mentally well
(<cried the whole bus journey home)
#not even for any good reason i passed my theory test so i should have been happy#guess it was just stress hangover?????#actually thats a lie i know exactly why it was i got a text basically turning me down for a job#bcos of small town politics#and i hate this fucking town i hate this place i hate it i hate it i hate it#sometimes i get scared im gonna doe here and then i cant breathe like if im not careful im gonna live my whole life here and die here#and be buried 3 rows down from the boy i grew up with who is buried 3 rows down from my great grandmother#and i cant drive for shit so im trapped here#anyway im fine im fine its all good im gonna call my aunt and see if i can go stay with her in edinburgh aka as far away as i can get
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the universe is mean as hell but at least its fucking funny
(cw for christian end-times conversion bullshit under the readmore)
#tonight has been ! bad ! and my brain was not a great place to be for most of it bc iiiiits been getting worse. again. so#i went on a walk to clear my head and Stop thinking of being dead but ! lo and fucking behold !#its okay ill be fine i promise#but i was laughing the whole fucking way home#i always take down or wreck shit like this when i see it out+about ((also saw a fucking inf//owars sticker that was too cold to peel off so#i had to take my keys to it until it was unrecognizable)) but when i saw the front of this one i was just like ''oh gross'' and tore it off#but i uhh. wasnt rly expecting that top sentence lmfao#started fuvking cackling like a madman in the street#for context if yr reading this and don't know already/cant tell:#im a xtian cult survivor. this is conservative xtian apocalyptic propaganda shit. im furious this exists but holy shit its fuckin hilarious#reading ''hey pal u ready to die?? god lovehates yr guts'' when yr just trying not to think abt how ready to die u are... fucken incredible#i covered up the url on the bottom + im not gonna show the front ((its fucking awful tho omfg. yhe fuckign flag+white house are on there??#wild lmfao)) bc i dont need their right-wing apocalypse-fearmongering bullshit to get any more web traffic#plus its not like this shit isnt dimeadozen further south/out west. its just been a hot minute since ive seen anyth this edgy-guilt-trippy#in this state. figures. out in the yeehaw-ass back half of mass.#anyway. i hate it here lmao#im more ok now too i promise#walked back home once my phone died + forced myself to eat food+drink water; now im back in bed and texting someone to stay out of my head#i think i might actually go out w better stickers+a knife+some nailpolish remover sometime in the next few days before im headed back home#take down some bullshit and. oooh... think i might put up one of my ''transsexuals have got to get meaner'' sweatermuppet stickers:>#hmmmmm. yeah#cw cult mention#tw christianity#cw bible quotes#cw christianity#tw suicidality#<- just in case.#anyway. i love yall. be careful with yrselves#and if you see bullshit like this please take it down. its trying to funnel people into disgusting right-wing rabbitholes. its dangerous.#bee speaks
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work has got me going joker mode
#work adventures#theyre doubling down on how we take time off#one of the selling points of the company when i first started was how lenient they were w vacation/days off#esp when you've burnt yourself out and you need a break#so i've been using that when it gets bad at work so i don't have to cut into my pto too much even tho i have a good bit left#and now they're slapping all of our hands and saying we have to go back and submit the hours of overtime we worked in order to earn that#and my department hasn't had a literal manager in years so who tf are we gonna go to about that?#and like thats fine now that we do#just say going forward do this#instead of making us think back 4 months to figure out if we worked enough time to take the 'burnout time off'#all of this on the back of me killing myself and losing my mental health bc of this job#its insane#and i no longer care#its my dream job but at what cost#im still here bc the work is relatively cool and i don't want to fucking job hunt again so#i'll stay here until i die but they're not making me want to promote working here
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Turning up the music to max volume and laying facedown on the bed because the mental health has hit rock bottom like DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT--
Thoughts of self harm and maybe suicidal ideation in the vent in the tags. Sorry.
#irl#vent#self harm mention#self harm#i am not having a good time today at all chat#my brain is giving me the itchy little localized signals in my wrists that are connected to the Bad Thoughts and Horrible Coping Mechanisms#and like honestly i feel like i should be fine but im not#shit sucks#almost started crying because i realized i forgot to grab some new exfoliating gloves while i was at the store#gonna be eating nothing but ramen and potatoes this month#im lonely and life feels like a really shitty time loop and im probably never gonna be able to get my cats and bring them here#because i need to somehow manage to save up $500 just for oet deposit and pet rent#when everything is month to month to month#i dont have any friends and i dont talk to my family and i sincerely feel like i could die and the only person that would know would be#my partner and even then thats because we live together#and when i do finally die its not like anyone will have known me#people that i should or used to be close with will find out eventually and theyll all call me by a name that isnt mine#using pronouns and words and descriptors that misrepresent me as a person#ect ect ECT#whatever#like whats even the point honestly????#i dont know what im doing here i just feel like a huge burden to everyone around me#dssi is barely enough for groceries but its not like i can get a job near me being legally blind#im just a big ol burdensome money sink lolol#just an overly needy little waste of space#i dunno#i dont know shit anymore#im so fucking tired all the time man#im just#so tired
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