#its a visceral need. you dont understand

[aweisz]

i need to draw old man yaoi again ugh

[xadial]

uk nationalism makes me sick to my stomach actually 🙂

[dragonfyre-creations]

I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)

(long dump in the tags and under the cut)

The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.

Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.

Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.

She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.

She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona

[allseeingdirt]

huh

[kaiju-krew]

Hey there! Firstly, big big fan of your art and headcanons, ty for your cool and awesome big brain ❤️ Now that you’ve seen the movie, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on Shimo??? I’ve just seen impressions of her so scattered. (I saw your post on how she will NOT be treated as a pet, and I so appreciate that.)

I will say, for me the ‘old gal’ vibes are so strong and I’m here for it. Like when Goji blasts his atomic breath into the sky at the end and she’s looking at it with such awe and her cute super gummy smile, it reminds me of when a grandma gets shown some common piece of technology that the rest of us are used to, but she just can’t heckin believe it because she lives in a damn cave??? I loved that.

hi hi! omg u think i have a big brain...... compliment of the century.... i must have ppl fooled bcuz i am viscerally dumb most of the time

anywAYS. gxk spoilers below (and a lot of ranting)

shimo my beloved💙 i appreciate most interpretations of her, besides people who are just straight up caling her a dog. and like, not in the way i’d compare goji to a cat? for me it's more mannerisms based, so for goji my main expression/mannerism inspirations are cats, wolves, and komodo dragons (obviously), and for mosu it's owls and cats, with a crumb of horses because of their 'ear' communication so i use that with her antennae.

sorry for tangent but anyways. i dont need someone barking at me that i call goji a cat/draw him acting like a cat so calling shimo ‘kong’s pet dog’ is fine. i think its the difference between goji having the personality i characterize him with + mannerisms inspired by other animals, vs. him having no personality besides Being A Cat. like, he’s a dumbfuck but he’s clearly an intelligent creature capable of communication and understanding. i make a lot of shitposts but truly in my personal hc i’d never reduce him to ‘pet level intelligence’

i think i’m extra touchy about people calling her ‘kong’s pet’ because like. dawg. did you watch the movie? she was JUST freed from being skar’s slave/beast of burden/abused pet whatever you wanna call it. why would you want her to become another creature’s pet again?(obviously minus the abuse) idk mannn it just feels…. reductive somehow. she clearly shows intelligence and understanding when she realizes what’s happening during the fight and helps to kill skar. i just refuse to reduce her entire character to kong’s pet status bcuz that makes me uncomfortable asf.

as a disclaimer, you’re welcome to have whatever hc you enjoy. me expressing my personal thoughts on the matter isn’t an attack on anyone who characterizes her that way, i’m just not interested in engaging with it in the slightest.

DOUBLE ANYWAYS i just needed to get that outta my system. TIME FOR CUTE FUN IDEAS YAHOOO

i’m seeing mixed info about her age so idk where she actually sits there?? i remember seeing something like she’s the First Titan but i also think the novelization of the movie said she’s only 3 million years old?? when im p sure they’ve said goji is 250+ million years old so…. i have no clue there lol. personally she feels less jaded and grumpy than goji does to me so my brain automatically sees her as similar or younger bcuz of my Grumpy Old Man bias.

i’m still workin out my ideas for her but based on how the movie ends i like to think she helps kong with relocating the apes to a better home, and they mostly live in HE. her n kong venture up for surface dates bcuz she gets what she fucking deserves 💙

goji nearly has an aneurysm the first time they come up, since mosu literally takes them for a lil tour of monster island. bro standing there clenching his fist like the arthur meme, he begrudgingly knows she’s right and eventually he gets used to it

i got more ideas cookin for her but this post is already too damn long cuz of my ranting time to stfu

SHIMO BEST GIRL 10/10

[qweenofurheart]

I have absolutely no idea how to compliment art stuff but I need you to know that your art is. GORGEOUS. Quite possibly one of the most like. I don’t think visceral is the right word but its pretty damn close. Most visceral reactions I’ve had to art maybe ever??? I am MESMERIZED (especially the way you draw Jason, and the no visible pupils head canon??? eye opening show stopping absolutely FANTASTIC oh my god. and the winghead oc you have??? i don’t know anything about him i dont even know if thats his actual name or a shorthand but i think he is SO COOL LOOKING) I just needed to let you know ahsbshbf

you don’t understand how happy this ask makes me like i literally read it multiple times you’re so kind :,) visceral is an interesting word! i usually try to prioritize movement and line in my drawings so maybe it has that ‘instinctual’ effect? also im so glad you are interested in my ocs !! yeah ‘winghead’ is not actually his name, but he refuses to tell anyone his real name. only himself and his family knows it.

here’s a drawing i did of winghead + his bff sunny’s dog named coffee. i was feeling sleepy when i started so i wanted to draw someone asleep

somehow i did this shading on my phone with pocket procreate and my finger … smudge tool actually works wonders

[sasukeless]

Wouldn't it make more sense for naruto to be fixed in gaara instead of sasuke considering they have more similar experiences (both are jinchuriki hated by their villages) than he does with Sasuke????

okay first of all yes its true naruto and gaara's situation are more alike than his and sasuke that why they have a special bond after all. however i think people end up missing the point of sns' dynamic because yes its true naruto and sasuke are drawn to each other because of their shared loneliness in childhood. however it doesnt end in there.

the whole manga keeps focusing on naruto and sasuke being foils, literally every one of their steps in the story is meant to be a constrast of the other (naruto being desperate for bonds / sasuke running away from bonds. naruto becoming hero of the village / sasuke becoming a terrorist that wants to destroy said village. etc). However they are meant to be complementary too! (their canon moon and sun tattoos, that also represent yin and yang, sasuke's fire and naruto's wind, their complementary colors and all the other stuff kishimoto pulls from every book with them) this is because when naruto and sasuke look at each other they dont just see their similarities, they also see the things they lack in each other. look at naruto's convo with yamato: yamato is telling him how to beat sasuke yet naruto completely ignores that! he focus in the fact that he and sasuke are a good match and that his wind helps sasuke's fire grow. unironically he thinks of both as a set lmao.

thats the point of naruto and sasuke's dynamic. they are like two pieces of a puzzle, they both have their own purpose and they are different but you need them together to work as a whole too. so in a way both are individuals but also an entity

this is literally proven when they both admit they feel each other's pain. yk when naruto is monologuing gaara at the end of their fight he says he understands gaara. this shares similarities again, naruto can recognize their pain (and well every villain's apparently too lol 😭) but theres quite the difference between understanding and feeling. its even the way naruto goes on explains that sasuke's pain doesnt just hurts a little to see, it literally hurts him soo much he cant just leave sasuke alone. imagine how connected you and someone have to be to feel their pain as your own in such a visceral way.

so to put it short yes naruto bonds with gaara and all his other friendships over shared experiences etc but the reason why he is always fixed and puts sasuke first is that naruto cant be naruto without sasuke and viceversa. thats where his obsession to chase him to the ends of the worlds comes, thats why sasuke believes he needs to kill naruto to be completely alone in the world

[rjshepofftheshits]

Ok real talk tho, here is how they can improve dead space 3 for a remake.

Less focus on saving the world and more focus on the characters. i want to see isaac and ellie try to repair their relationship, i want to see carver go from grumpy git to isaacs friend and i want to see robert norton go from a good man with good intentions to someone who cracks under pressure, not because of some dumb jealousy thing with Isaac. if you were feeling REALLY spicy you could even make Danik a reasonable if categorically wrong man who eventually goes absolutely fruit loops by the end instead of starting out that way.

give isaac more story besides running after ellie. i know saving people, particularly the women in his life is a running theme with mr clarke, we do stan a feminist king. but he was perfectly capable of doing everything in dead space 1 WHILE ALSO looking for Nicole, his every other word wasn't about her. Dead space 3 makes me feel like he is only capable of pining after ellie and that is just not him. Isaac and ellie were together for 2-3 years, he knows her and he knows she can look after herself, it's the rest of the fucking universe that needs his competence and intelligence, not her. and if you must go this way, please don't make it another rescue mission. Again, ellie is a survivor and an intelligent person maybe even as smart as isaac she does not need saving.

also give the girl back her sports bra im sick of the cleavage. how she jumped 3 cup sizes is beyond me.

keep carver in the story but make him either an AI companion or do what NIER : Automata or RE2MAKE did. you play all the way through as isaac, then as carver and then once again as whoever for the ending OR you play all the way to the end as Isaac and then on a second playthrough you can be Carver and the way that you played as Isaac is now how your ai partner isaac behaves.

do not lock Carvers story behind coop missions. i know visceral didnt want to do this, they were made to by ea but still it seems like a dumb move even on their part. Carver didnt need to be there but since he is, why are you hiding that light under a bushel ea???

big one: get rid of the micropayments and retool the fucking weapons and combat. most of the guns are like water pistols and the necromorphs tank hits like brick shithouses. i know SCAF weapons are 200 years old by the time of dead space 3 but like. Isaac is smart enough to make a ripper, a line cutter and a plasma cutter on its own without bolting them together.

do not hide the true ending behind a dlc paywall. i think i was the only person on the planet that actually liked Awakened, better than the base game too. so it pains me to say that it didnt need to exist: either cut it completly and use it as the opening for dead space 4 or merge it into the ending of dead space 3 somehow.

lastly i think the story needs some tweaking. if we look at the progression it goes > outbreak on one ship > outbreak on a station> universe wide outbreaks everyone is doomed. now granted i understand you need to escate things for sequels but i just dont feel the same gravity of the situation in 3 as a did in 1 or 2. we never see the world outside isaacs pov which is fine but i would still like to see some of the world before it got fucked over a picket fence by the unitologists. the only glimpses we get are in text logs and it would make me feel more urgency to save the world if i actually knew what the world was like.

Continuing on with my story point: isaac needs some tweaks. he is a broken and cynical man by 3 which is very fair given all hes gone through but he is also a savior and defender at heart. no, he didnt ask for any of this but since he's stuck in this situation you know damn well he is going to do his best to fix this. I always found it weird that Isaac was essentially suicidal by the time of 3s opening, he was killing himself with indifference and clearly not looking after himself but when Norton comes knocking he still says "find someone else for your suicide mission" outright refusing all of it until ellie is mentioned. why didnt norton open with "ellie is in trouble, she sent us to get you to help" ? and why did isaac flat out refuse if he didnt care about his own life???

all this to say i would very much like to see isaac living a somewhat normal life after 2. ok maybe hes still depressed and alone but hes also still trying to move on, anything better to explain his reluctance to get dragged back into things . Maybe instead of having isaac backed into a corner and avoiding the world it could be more of a case of "i fucking told you so" like the mass effect series. Isaac has spent 2 games telling everyone who will listen "do not fuck with the markers" and now maybe he could be really fucking annoyed that no one has listened and as the only competent man in the galaxy hes got to go sort this shit out on principal.

here also are some things id just like to see.

Isaac struggling with his marker problem less like psychosis and more like a general disability or chronic illness. yes it sucks ass and yes its disabling but hes still a badass despite it. i dont like the wooohhhoooo mental illness scary vibes i get from other marker touched people like stross. thats just not how it works.

isaac with psysical scars from his time in project teleomere/ the hospital in dead space 2. i would like to see him with wounds from the first game healed and also maybe some marker scrawl on him as a permenant reminder of what happened.

id like to see ellie have a more active role or even be a playable character. doesnt have to be a big thing, do something like the born from a wish scenario in silent hill 2, maybe cover the 2 weeks she was lost in space before ds3 takes place.

id like to see the necromorph process slowed down. it happens so fast its almost meaningless, not to mention unbelievable. if it happens over time and the characters can see and react to it happening that has more emotional impact.

In the ending where carver and Isaac get blown off the platform, I want to see them holding hands to stay together.

if i think anymore ill put them in the reblogs or something

but yeah ea hit me up im ready to advise

or if ur not ea and just wana chat shite about dead space you can hit me up too

[marygodwin-bsd]

Rating members of the Guild based on nothing but my own vibes (I haven't seen all of season 3)

there is a part 1 and 2 of this and ill probably make a part 4

Lucy M. Montgomery

10/10 for the fact once she showed up the show stopped treating kyouka like a possible ship for atsushi. 3/10 for the fact they gave her braces but when they needed her to be attractive they got rid of them ??? her design is 7/10, i like all her colors and shes very distinct, but she has the same issue as kunikida does with those big flyaway spikes that ernd up changing the entire hairstyle? just braids would have been fine. 9/10 for that incredibly cool but confusing power, also I just love her so much overall imma give her an 8/10

Nathaniel Hawthorne

im totally biased bc I liked the scarlett letter except for how much this man loved commas ANYWAYS this guys power is 10/10 freaking SICK I LOVE IT. 6/10 for the design its not bad but its very uhh .. monochromatic?? still cool and i get it might be because the red stands out but like give him one more red piece on his person. 10/10 for secretly being hoplessly in love with margaret?? I love it??? it reminds me so much of the book because of how hester and whatever his name was are super comfortable and sweet with one another in the forest and no one knows about them its peaceful and its fantastic ily nate overall 8/10 he seems like the kind of priest who would give free hugs at a pride parade

Margaret Mitchell

10/10 for the literal interpretation of Gone With The Wind but i wanna see her make a tornado. 10/10 for being in love with Hawthorne i love a secret romance. 7/10 for that accent in the english VA. 4/10 for seeming like shed be a little... a little phobic idk why i just get that vibe and this is about vibes love the fit 7/10 im just wondering how she can stand to possibly get her skirt wet 7/10 overall i just dont know enough about her to comment on anything else

John Steinbeck

8/10 for that power being cool but looking so viscerally gross. 7/10 for looking like Baldroy and Finny smashed together, 5/10 for that backstory bc i get it but dude youre going the wrong way. 9/10 for growing grapes for me <3. but 3/10 for putting the girls in danger cmon man be a gentleman overall 7/10

James L.

(I cannot find a Gif.) uh 6/10 for being there but then he dipped i didnt even know who this was

Mark Twain

GIMME MORE 5/10 for how i dont understand his ability at all did they just not know what to do and so they gave him his own tiny characters???? 8/10 because hes so cute but uh all the redheads in this show look related bc they are the Same Shade of RedHeaded cmon hony you know how to move a slider towards yellow just make his hair a little lighter. Theres not much about him and im not sure why hes a sniper 6/10 for not getting it, but hes cute! overall 7/10

H.P. Lovecraft

10/10 the best way they couldve represented him- honestly i was SO WORRIED bc you know you know what IRL lovecraft was like(0/10 for his racism) im just glad they didnt make him like his IRL counterpart instead they just made him like one of his own monsters 9/10! Fantastic idea! I like how just plain weird he is? he has no ability. hes just Like That. the guild just decided they wanted him. team pet. let him nap. 9/10 on that design, hes monochromatic but his hair and face and all that are distinct. oh also 10/10 because in that one fight he uh kunikida uh uh uh 9/10 overall really well done

Herman Melville

dont know much about him at this moment um 4/10 i hate his beard whats going on there uh 8/10 for the fact he and Moby Dick can talk to eachother and also have arguments apparently??? way to be one with thyself dude 6/10 because i know very little about him

Louisa May Alcott

baby 7/10 but i feel like shes lonely also how on earth does her ability have anything to do with Little Women?? is time slowing down like, a knock on the book? are they calling it slow?? i'll never know. 8/10 design i like it a lot i mean shes not super distinct but shes cute. overal 8/10

Edgar Allen Poe

POE!!!! i heard about poe before i watched the show uh 4/10 for how dirty they did him giving him a pet raccoon i love Karl but that is foul (RIP irl Poe rabies mustve sucked) 8/10 for his dynamic with rampo, though i havent gotten far enough to find true ship material beyond that one episode? 7/10 for the design its cool but a bit impractical and i feel like hes doing it for show but honestly its a stylistic choice overall 8/10 for his everything love him

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Money monehy money, must be funny, in a rich mans world 10/10 for how much he loves his wife i know irl FSG was a dbag to his so great improvement i also think its so funny that his power is Money like how did you learn that so 9/10 for that. 7/10 for that design i can get on board with most of it but his bangs look too much like kunikidas and what is that tie pattern??other than that hes fantastic. the backstory is sad and i wish he could save his daughter. 8/10 overall bc he still beat up atsushi

Part 1 here Part 2 here Part 4 here

[middleschoolfursona]

literal tears are running down my face as i scroll thru your blog. on it it it feels like im back home.

i just wanna go back man. i just wanna be a kid running around on feralheart and drawing my ocs again and watching silly movies with my friends. it feels like im living a lie every single day of my life since then.

it hurts and fills me with so much shame to say that i feel like a kid, like i stopped mentally aging in like 2012, 2014 at the latest. the dysphoria is strangling. i dont want to describe it but yeah it sucks so bad.

i cant tell anyone in my life this in detail. cus i can feel the callouts. the sneers. the performative disgust. the gleeful hatred. everyone turning on me and making me into a joke. but this experience is so viscerally terrible and real and i cant just get over it and i cant choose to get better. i hate it.

youre the first person ive ever seen who seemed like theyd actually understand and its just overwhelming bcus it felt like i was completely alone. so i just wanted to say thanks for the catharsis of showing me im not beyond understanding. but im sorry if this is all selfish or upsetting. the last thing i wanna do is hurt or upset anyone, so feel free to ignore and delete.

thank you for ur blog and i hope you have a great day/week/month/year/life/forever <3

anon, im so so sorry i didnt answer this one sooner. i kept thinking, "when i get on desktop" but i never ended up back on desktop until i got this new monitor (win!)

i totally feel you, im glad i can bring you (though maybe bittersweet) comfort.

dysphoria and even feelings of 'transness' in places of identity other than gender and sex absolutely exist and are valid, and its really too bad its so stigmatized. you have my <3 and you have my thoughts. its tough, and theres more of us than youd think, hopefully, its an amount that comforts you... and i hope, you can find people who relate to you and you can share trust with and happy memories.

"performative disgust' is a topic i bring up a lot in this kinda discoursing. if i may, its pretty western too.. the need to be combative causes a strange sort of lash-out-culture, where people arent even neccisarily uninformed, its a lack of desire to be informed at all, and instead perform hatred for the acknowledgement of their peers. id know. it was me once. terrible and toxic situation, but its eaten the internet in many spaces....

its tough feeling trapped, unable to move forwards and feeling like youre "wrong". being disabled and growing up disabled makes those kinds of remarks and implications said by some people extra painful to me. and i know lots of us who feel dysphoria surrounding our facets of the self, both gender or non-gender, are neurodivergant as well, and as someone who was in special education, and then my school dropped me by force because i just "wouldnt" do my math, i know how painful it can feel both inside, but then to come forward and have people act like "just move forward" "just understand" "well you can never go back so just be here instead"... its painful.

i hope that between the time you sent this and now, youvbe found someone to be open to... if not, you can send me your discord off anon (wont pub) and we can chat there if you need it... youre certainly not alone anon, just the haters want you to feel that way. dont give in. do your best!

[s1ll13rg00s3]

what a dim fkn lesbophobe.. ofc most prostitutes don't enjoy most times the crusty johns f*ck them but if they're osa they at least have the capacity to enjoy sex involving males and their dicks which lesbians innately do not. it's overdramatic to say that every single encounter a prostitute (who had picked this job) has is SA, that's trivializing the very meaning and victims of SA. there absolutely are het and bihet women who enjoy being promiscuous and getting railed by random males and have decided they may as well make money from that as incomprehensible and dangerous and anti-feminist as it is. but lesbians could never willingly be with a male, so yes, ofc if a male r*ped me - a gold star lesbian, it would be 100 times worse for my psyche than a fellow woman r*ping me. that is not the say that r*pe isn't always traumatic. female heteros can't ever really relate to this because they are female themselves and are attracted to males who oppress them so they'll never understand how revolting the very idea of any physical contact with a male is to us, the softest seemingly consensual hetero 'love-making' 🤢 would still be aggressive r*pe to a lesbian. on the other end, most het women will never that viscerally disgusted by the idea of intimacy with a woman, they don't desire it, but they know and have female anatomy themselves and female genitalia isn't as weaponizable and physically endangering as male either. if you asked most het-attracted women, they'd still choose to be assaulted by a woman if they were forced into such an awful choice. most of them are so lesbophobic and heteronormatively brainrotted anyway that they wouldn’t even perceive lesbian sex as 'real' so being r*ped by a woman wouldn’t be as traumatic for most. so while all r*pists should die eternally in the pits of hell no matter the compatibility of their orientation and their victim's, you are simply lesbophobic and insanely cruel if you think that the doubly inhumane: homophobic and misogynistic 'corrective' r*pe isn't most horrific and traumatizing to lesbians in particular.

So first of all i think you're like completely misplacing your anger, hope it made you feel better to type all that out at least? Like I think you've misunderstood my post maybe lmao, because the POINT of that post about "no prostitutes are lesbians because any real lesbian would kill themselves rather than get touched by a male is very unkind TO LESBIANS who have been sexually abused by men or prostituted. But maybe because I suggested I think its fucked up to say that "osa" women suffer less from being raped you don't care abt the rest.

So to clarify, I dont think attempting to quantify who suffers from rape "the most" is a reasonable conversation to have, it's neither helpful nor compassionate to any victims of sexual assault.

You can recognize that corrective rape is awful (it is and I've never said otherwise) and think that.

Why do we need to build a hierarchy of the different types of sexual abuse and assault lmao? Who does that help? What gives you the right to quantify the pain of other people as well? I could hit you with "well what about victims of incest?" Or something like that and maybe you would double down or make a concession "well okay, under those circumstances MAYBE it's as bad for """osa""" women to be raped as it is for lesbians" but the point of what I'm saying is actually I think that this conversation is gratuitous and I think we've lost by entertaining it at all. You can have a conversation about factors which might exacerbate the suffering caused by sexual assault/abuse without devolving into "and that's why none of you will ever suffer like *I* have suffered" etc and so on. Why does it even seem attractive to you to feel like no one could ever understand how particularly damaged you are? Would you not rather try to relate to people who are trying to reach out through similar experiences to you than like languish alone like this? Like refuse to let people relate to you and then claim that they can't/won't? Idk lol

[citylawns]

I had my last psychotherapy session for at least six months today because my therapist is going on maternity leave (I'm so happy for her, I love her so much) and I felt okay afterwards. I bought myself a treat and cried a bit.

What I really want to say and don't know quite how to say it is my therapist confirmed that I experienced sexual abuse as a child and I only just realised/remembered that a few days ago. I was crying and dissociating for days, called in sick to work, started getting veritgo that I couldn't get rid of.

But after that, I paradoxically feel the healthiest I have ever felt. I feel like everything is clearing. Like I am freeing myself. That things actually make sense for the first time in my life. I don't remember much about what happened, and maybe I won't ever remember. I think I can make peace with that, I dont really want to remember anyway. I also cant force it. But for the first time I want to take care of myself instead of harm myself at these memories and very visceral and uncomfortable emotions and I think thats also a first for me. Like over the weekend I very much did self injure in some way but I dont have that urge now. I was very much trying to hurt myself last year.

There are a couple things I want to say

(1) therapy has saved my life. trauma informed psychotherapy specific to the issues I have experienced.

(2) I share my emotions a lot on here (knowing the risk, knowing the benefit) and get people telling me "don't be sad just be happy :)" and "all you talk about is your pain is your life really that miserable?" and I want strangers who read this and think those things to understand that yes, life has been that painful. it's been devastating in more ways than I can even express but its been beautiful too, and I'm trying my best to have more beautiful moments. but you need to learn to not go around and invalidate someone's pain or tell them to change it like they have control over that because you don't know their history or what they are coping with. they might not even fully know. it's not wrong to feel bad. it's not bad to be in pain. it's not bad to be unhappy. it tells us when something is wrong. I wrote something about that a while ago before I even fully understood it, and I still forgot it and got angry at myself for feeling sad. I will keep reminding myself of my own lessons.

(3) when people say "it gets better" they are half right. we can all only speak from our own experience, so in mine I want to say that I have fought for it to get better. tooth and nail. better isn't perfect. but my god its not what life was before. better also looks different for everybody.

(4) I wouldn't change a thing about my life despite it all. I'm just so happy I get to live

[blackvahana]

the thing about actual Old God Horror, and I dont mean "the horror of the Old Gods existing" i mean "when the Old Gods are horror", is that you have to understand its not about wanting to be scary and have people be scared of you. Like. The horror of a bad trip does not need to want to be scary. You want to be scary? You want to be a little eldritch thing - or more so you want to be a Big eldritch thing? So you bring out the tentacles, the eyes, your knowledge of non-euclidean shit, the teeth, the sounds, you puff yourself up and act real ominous lurking in the shadows.... That's threat displays. That's a butterfly with eye patterns on its wings

There's so many beings that lurk and think theyre scary. A lot of beings i give a pass to because... Theyre very clearly things that feed off fear and thats valid enough for me. You arent just lurking, youre farming fear. You biologically get it, and your horror isnt a display it is actively farming. Cool! But those people that declare themselves demon and eldritch gods and think that some people bowing down to them (half the time i doubt theyre even telling the truth that theyre worshiped in the astral because... you can feel it, but then again, gods hide themselves when the incarnate more than they show themselves) makes them Old God Horror.... theyre bowing to your power and to the threat of violence. they are not bowing to you. if theyre bowing to things you wield and your threats (active or passive), then theyre bowing to the eye patterns on your wings.

the thing about old gods is that they know horror. even just in terms of our plane, theyve been incarnated humans on boats in storms in the ocean losing best friends overboard, summoned to watch buses full of kids set on fire and the doors are locked because theyre pressed against the earth, prayed to as people are murdered, tortured, theyve watched towers full of people crumble on to said people snapping bones and necks, animals have their legs taken out by predators being dragged off to be eaten alive, theyve witnessed all shit this world has to offer whether its flaying or torture techniques or rape or whatever the fuck is genuinely, legitimately terrifying.

the thing about horror is you have to pick apart the threads and understand the difference between a horror movie's horror - even a triggering horror movie's horror! - and the horror of reality itself, and specifically the horror of horror itself. picking what you think is scary and doing that is step one in terms of steps of Getting It. watching what others find scary and replicating that is step two. Watching how the prey reacts physiologically and energy-playing with them to extract fear is step three... step four? you extract the essence of horror and become one with it. horror is subjective, but in practice that means there are various horrors to become, some of which extract fear from many entities, some which work in the gaps those aforementioned dont work in

I sit in the mirror and watch my dead self. hes dead. literally not even a ghost but something that should not exist, existing purely because he incarnated into me and was killed before i died. I vividly hear screaming, the entire Sky's choir turned to visceral, throat-scraping screaming, and there is no distinction between him and all the times he'd watched this happen. in the faces clawing out from his energy i see women ive been called to as their lives are torn apart, i see the reflections of burning villages in their eyes, their assaulters, i hear the sound of boats hulls cracking and bending to the stormy black sea. i see their energies grasping towards their kids as theyre ripped into slow deaths, i see their eyes turned to the sky...... im looking in a mirror. im watching my dead self glitch and distort, rolling like VHS tapes, his smile intercut with his scream-laughing. this is not a horror movie, this is not art drawn on to paper or a comic made into a thriller. he is trapped between moments like being in between film frames, he is something that should not exist except the flickering of reality gives the illusion he is standing in front of me and moving, like film of a an actor played decades post-death

he warps. the skies darken around him literally, and they dont threaten, they dont threat display. lightning stirs and it strikes. he pulls things down into him, tears them apart. he hunts with wolves, he pierces the eyes of snakes swallowing things whole. this is not threat displays, and even after death he lingers in threat. actual, legitimate threat. he will tear your mind to shreds not because you "cant comprehend him" because he shows you things you cant comprehend, but because you cant comprehend him because he shows you things you cant comprehend. he is not relaying frayed, horrific footage to you, he is that footage, haunted, in-between states. he knows, as something that is prayed to, how to enter into the cracks in your mind and get between it and fill it until it is exploded not just on to the floor but out into time itself.

when you are actually something that approaches godhood - a spirit that is actually called, you will be begged, pleaded, screamed at in the people who know your names' worst moment, your name will be written on time and space itself with horror as they beg you to take it from them. it is not about showing you nasty pictures, it is about becoming the liquid essence of the moment of terror, which means not just the energy of terror but also the manifestation of it, and learning to infiltrate the mind itself and pour that venom from your thousand snake teeth into the mind until its overwhelmed beyond control.

We need more people in the world who threat display rather than attack, more people who are willing to say "i dont want you around" rather than going for the throat. we dont need more witnesses to this shit. but i keep seeing a clawing towards being viscerally, biologically scary "gods" when whats being shown is not visceral biologically scary god but instead hollow attempts at being it

[kayhi808]

More Than Our Scars - Part 3

"All you have is me. You're stuck with me, darlin'"

This is on repeat in your brain as you stand under the shower. So, its decided. What Bill Russo says is true. You have no money, no ID, no place to go that Wilson Fisk wouldn't be able to find you except here at Anvil. Why should you trust Bill? Why DO you trust him? It's like a visceral belief. You dont know how to explain it. After the abuse & torture you survived over the past 3 years, you shouldn't trust anyone & you didn't until Bill. Given the choice between Wilson & Bill, you want to stay with Bill. How much worse can it be with him? You're in this beautiful loft apartment. He's given you a room of your own. In exchange, you help him with information on Fisk. He basically saved you last night. He definitely has his...quirks. There's a knock on the bathroom door that startles you out of your mental debate. "Yes?"

"I've got you some clothes. I'm leaving it outside the door."

"Thank you. I'll be right out." You shut off the water & wrap yourself in a plush towel. You crack the door open to retrieve your clothes. With a sigh of relief, you realize the room is empty. Billy didn't stay. You change into the clothes that was left. It's athletic wear with the Anvil logo on them. You walk out to the living room & Billy has cleaned up the mess of broken plate & mug and he's relaxed on the couch watching TV. You see him tense up when you walk in. "I'm sorry about the mess I made and thank you for the clothes." Bill shrugs. "You have women's clothes just laying around?"

"I'm not a Neanderthal. I do hire women agents. I went downstairs to get them. We can order more clothes and stuff for you. I can pick it up tonight."

"What exactly is it that you do?" Its a long couch but he moves his legs over & so you take a seat at the opposite end.

"Anvil provides private & military security services."

"And you went after Fisk while on a job?" You notice the tick in his jaw & a hitch in his shoulder. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

"It started out as a job. Kingpin had a big shipment coming into the States. He has business in drugs, weapons, human trafficking...you name it. Anvil got brought in by Homeland Security and I don't know if they were tipped off, but the warehouse was rigged to explode. So, now its personal." His voice soft yet hard as steel, "It took the docs, 11hrs of surgery & I still look like this. After that I was in a coma for 6 weeks. Now I'm stuck with rehab and therapy."

You stretch your socked foot out & rest it against his foot; thinking he wouldn't appreciate touch or physical contact even though he had no problem comforting you that way. "Billy. How are you up and about? 6 weeks?"

He adjusts his foot to slide under yours a bit further, "I got released a couple months ago. I don't know why I'm telling you this shit."

"You could have gotten seriously hurt last night. You shouldn't have risked it."

"And where would you be now if I wasn't out? Not cozied up on a couch with a monster."

Presses on his foot, "Hey, your not a monster."

He emits a harsh laugh, "Sweetheart, you need your fucking eyes checked." You fall silent & watch whatever movie Bill has playing on the TV. Bill would hate your pity, but it's not pity you have for him. He's your hero. You see him more romanticized as a dark avenging angel. Bill probably wouldn't want to hear that either. You don't think he's a monster though and he shouldn't think so either. You understand he must still be dealing with a lot. You don't take what he says personally.

An hour may have passed & you curl up on the couch to rest, pulling your foot away from Bill. He turns to you, "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

“It’s ok. It’s been an eventful morning,” you give him a small smile. He reaches behind him & tosses you a throw blanket. You spread the blanket out & seek his feet again. He noticeably relaxes, stretching out so your legs are more entwined and goes back to his movie, while you nap. Maybe he’s not so indifferent to you as you thought. You sigh & close your eyes feeling safer than you have in such a long time. Your angel Billy is watching over you now.

@idaofinfinity @jvanilly

[imaginethathaikyuu]

I’m ace. I’m very kinky. I’m a man. But I get uncomfy (I think because I’m ace) with physical affection in general. I’m not a great hugger. And even like… a peck on the cheek makes me feel anxious and viscerally uncomfortable. Because I have no desire to kiss or anything it always feels super insincere and makes me uncomfortable.

My partner is the most wonder girl alive. Truly. She’s perfect, no exceptions. She’s not ace and is extremely physically affectionate. And I’ve voiced my discomfort and so she’s stopped imitating the things I’ve said make me uncomfortable. But I can tell she wants it. She wants a boyfriend who kisses her wants to have sex and is attracted to her. And she says she’s fine, but I want her to be happy.

I don’t know how to compromise my needs and hers in a way where I’m not anxious all the time and she’s not disappointed.

To be clear this is mostly about the kissing. She is totally fine with a sexless relationship. And she’s also kinky so we’re both fulfilled in those ways. But small acts of affection… she loves giving and receiving them. And it sucks for both of us a bit.

Any thoughts/suggestions? From one ace to another? (I’m 22 and she’s 21)

oh my god dude this is like one of the hardest things about being ace like. i literally feel your stress over this like ive dealt with this. its painful. its so frustrating.

i think obviously its important to communicate everything youre feeling to her and let her know that you feel this way. tell her the thoughts you have. just be open with it, and that will (hopefully) encourage her to be open and honest with you too

also. i know exactly what you mean when you say that you can tell she wants certain things from you that you can't give her - however, i think its important for you and your relationship that you believe her when she says she's okay without those things. you gotta just try your best not to doubt her. because all that doubt spirals into insecurity and insecurity is not good for you, or her, or your relationship! if she says that its okay, then you gotta try to believe her and talk about it if you feel like you need to

open up, be honest. let her be honest too. trust her when she says she's okay, and offer understanding when she says she isn't okay. let yourself trust her.

you can offer her affection in a million other ways besides kissing or hugging her. and test your own waters; instead of a kiss on the cheek, is one on the hand more comfortable? if she asked if she could kiss you beforehand, would that help alleviate some of your anxiety? can you two just invent your own ways to show affection? can a hand shake count as pda? (yes.)

feeling this way is hard. it sucks. but i bet theres probably a ton of things you do for her, things you might not even notice, that she loves and treasures just as much as something physical. and maybe you putting more effort into those things will help you feel better on the doubting front. think of all the little things she does that you love and realize that she has the same thoughts about you, too

and youre good enough for her. youre a good boyfriend. dont get too lost in the sauce alright i'm rooting for you you got this

[chronic-monachopsis]

this happens to me alllll the time (ppl reacting poorly to ur comic and not Getting It) like whenever i show ppl my art (bc They’re nosy) and they are so Perplexed and Weirded Out by it and it’s like ???? i get that it can be different to expectations or whatever but to dismiss any art (this esp happens to any art that makes ppl feel uncomfortable in Any way and that isn’t just ohh what a pretty picture :3) so wild to me like art is subjective and all but like ?? Look at it Look at what it’s Telling you, use a modicum of critical thinking i Beg.

also i fully believe all artists are freaks like u Have to be a little odd to dedicate so much of yourself to making things no matter what it is. i have also had people Get It in ways even i hasn’t thought of trust made me Think and Feel and dive deeper into my own art which is what it’s allll about !!

all that to say the girls that get it Get It and the girls that dont Dont. and the ones that do will eat it up (pun not intended). so dont let it get u down ! would love to see it when it’s available bc i also love a cannibalism motif <3

hope ur having a good day (and sorry for rambling lol) ! :)

hi anon !! First of all i would like to say. we have EXTREMELY similar typing quirks !?! and i couldnt help but notice ( not sure if it was intentional or not but i also do random capitalisation of words that i feel need extra emphasis, it confuses ppl at times LOL )

second of all, thank you for your thoughts, dont apologise for rambling! this is Ramble Central™ and now im gonna One Up you by rambling MORE than you heheuhuehe

anywho, YES. thank you for getting it! i think a lot of people get used to seeing art as solely decoration – like you said "a pretty picture". it is easy for some to forget that art is Also used as a tool of self expression.

i communicate best when i am creating, and oftentimes i will use themes that are unconventional? ( because i am pretentious )

Blood, Gore, Cannibalism, they are all visceral to look at. people will get weirded out and look away, tell me that im strange or that i should paint something prettier. and that can be very frustrating.

as an artist, i create for myself but i also seek understanding and connection through what i make. its the best line of communication i have, and to be misunderstood or judged through it feels disappointing !! ! i know lots of other ppl feel the same way.

if they didn't, there wouldn't be the Tortured Artist stereotype LMAOOoO

by the way there was no point i was trying to make here, SORRY LOL. i could talk for days about anything.. ! i plan on posting the comic sometime soon, maybe ina week or two when i have it finished ! :^)