#its just like. i am so so fucking tired of existing like this but there i have absolutely no way to fix ir so i just feel stuck and stupid
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I actually forgot the kaishin incident even happened. I immediately just yeeted that information off of the plane of reality it's just sooo BAD. In my mind, Kaito and Shinichi aren't related to one another still and Kaito's dad is 6 feet under the Earth's crust as he SHOULD BE.
#aria rants#also ngl i think the kaishin incident affected me more than i thought cuz it also just absolutely killed my hyperfixation on dcmk#i was planning on catching up on the episodes before that Whole Thing cuz its been piling up on me (100+ to catch up on)#and then The Incident happened and im like: oh mY GOD?!?!!!! in a tired exasperated surprised way cuz am like#dcmk cant get any more bad than it alrdy is with the brainless fun it has. theres no way anything worse than the#other cousin incident can happen. its been around 30 years now itll be fiiine. no. no it was not fine.#the latest movie doesnt exist to me. which is SOMETHING cuz i ADORE kaito. hes my son. i love all the episodes#and movies he appears in. hes the best there is so id normally be so excited for a movie centred around him#not the latest one tho wtv number or name it has ive zapped that outta my brain too. it doesnt exist to me at all. fuck gosho
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hi. why cant i be mentally stable
#unironically. its so exhausting#i want to be able to exist without massive mood swings. without knowing every time i let myself feel happy#im going to feel just as intensely bad on the other side#i want to not get set off by nothing#i want to be able to maintain regular conversations without dropping off the map for days at a time#i want to not drive everyone away because im fucking incapable of answering messages#are you tired? because i am too#nyxtalks#vent#i sometimes wish i never tried to do anything so i didnt feel like this; think these things#but i lived my life that way for years and it didnt make anything easier#it just meant i had less to distract me when things got bad#but they got bad anyway. they always do. they always will
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"I can fix him" "i can make him worse"
I can put him in therapy and make him learn communication skills
#winter speaks#for legal.purposes this is just a silly rant#the i and him are boyh me#character growth ia all well and good h til.youre tge one doin it and then its like oh. oh ouch. oh big ouch wtf o want off the ride#bjt the ridw is necessary and its akin to draggimg a toddler to.the dentisg#i only vaguely understand wjats happening and what to do and im trying myndamndesy to git the square throuhh the cir le#and iyll work but no kne will be happy abouy it for at least a few weeks#and i have to do.little letters of today inlearned bc my brains so fucked right now i cannit remmeber the lessons unless#i write them fifty fuck times#i am so tired and brumpy about existance today and i am working a twelve hour shift#but tofay i learned my nose was in fact most likely broken when i was like sevem ir eigjt#and kts not a normal thing to brush your teeth til the gums bleed thats nit how they get clean#so this weekend i get to research dental heigiene bc i just never did iy bc it fuckin hurt and i finallu know#where the bump on my nose came from. my head wishes to be lut through comcrete
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"(this) game doesn't need a pause button"
Tell me you have no life, without telling me you have no life. And no disability or concept of disability, for that matter
Every time someone goes "hurdur it doesn't need a pause button", I just want to punch them in the face. Maybe YOU don't. But if the existence of a pause button makes you feel insecure because it makes a game "easy", maybe the problem is you? And not the pause button.
#I am so tired of gdamn gamerbros#like can you conceptualise the existence of other people for five seconds#maybe???#just gamer things#if people say they need something#the graceful thing to do is to shut the fuck up#and maybe help them get it?#not to go on a defensive spree about how its some moral failing on their part#like ya'lls insecurity is showing big time#and it aint cute
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day 3647388377437 of only existing to be a punching bag, somehow still alive
#yeah incoming breakdown pls fuck off i just remembered how meaningless my life is#outside of being used#my famtasy lately is journeying deep into the everglades and dying there and never being found. that seems like id finally feel peace.#ill be alone forever and im ok with that#as long as thats where i am#cause i cant fucking take waking up every day of my life and my only purpose being supporting everyone elses weight#what kind of a fucking life is that youd wanna die too if that was your life. if that was all you had to look forward to.#its camp anyways lolllll and all that other stupid shit i say to dimish how badly im suffering#at least if i go die out there i can benefit the earth#the conclusion: yes i am so embarrassed dont worry i am humiliated in ways you couldn't even imagine#im embarassed every second of my life for being like this#i know yall are tired of me complaining believe me so i am i and i feel guilty for just existing 24/7#cant wait to finally be appreciated when alligators rip into my dead body
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"keto is a lie and a scam" its literally a fucking medical diet i will fucking kill you
#wordy wendy#keto literally existed primarily as a medical diet for epileptics because of the BRAIN BENEFITS it had#schizophrenics also make use of it for this exact reason#and i love it because of the way it makes me feel. my brainfog and depression. GONE#it has countless medical benefits it is not a fucking scam who tf is making money off it!#thats not what a scam is!#i am so sick of this shit#its awesome to fight diet culture and fatphobia but you cannot just make stuff up because you dont like#someone else's life choices!!!#i am so tired of these bitches ignoring medical benefits of dieting and fixing what you eat#under the guise of 'well all diets exist for weight loss so all diets are fatphobic <3'#BITCH I DONT EVEN OWN A SCALE!!!!!!!!!!#I LITERALLY DONT EVEN KNOW MY WEIGHT#but i have maintained my carb intake low as fuck for the last SIX YEARS#because it MAKES ME HAPPY
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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D
me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening
#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in#like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying#i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty#it#like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night#am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired#or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop#id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem#because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines#so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping#but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real#and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE#i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters#actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists#and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the#7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant#fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get#knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am#and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be#doing them at all#like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding#schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters#delete later
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im so jealous of cis guys. being able to grow up how they want and being confident in themselves and just. im so fuckin jealous. it is so hard. SO hard. to feel comfortable with someone else in a relationship when im not comfortable with myself. i hate it.
#i know this is stupid#im supposed to be proud of being trans and love myself no matter what and be proud of my identity but#fuck man sometimes id just give anything to be cis#like this shit sucks#i dont wanna fuckin do this anymore im tired of it#'nick ur only 18' YEAH I KNOW AND ITS STILL BAD#god im pissed off#i just. i hate that i cant be proud of who i am bc im not someone else.#im losing my mind i think#i wish i was cis so fuckin bad u guys. i wanna have the experiences of growing up as a boy that i missed out on.#i wish i couldve went to school dances in a suit and not had to worry about being stared at#i wish i could dress how i wanted and present myself how i feel comfortable without hearing those goddamn whispers behind my back#im sick and fuckin tired of it#anyway <3 im done <3 im gonna go watch youtube and pretend like i dont exist <3#vent#dysphoria mention
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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#💿.txt#💿.png#dave strider fictive#homestuck fictive#i usually dont hide shit in the tags#but im so fucking lonely all the damn time and i dont know how to cope with it#i try to be funny and friendly and approachable so anybody if they want too can just come up and talk to me but nobody ever really does#its embarrassing#having to be the one to go up to people and try to start a conversation#its embarrassing and really fucking stressful#i dont know how to talk to people man#but its all i want man#i just want attention#thats all#i want friends#i want people to like me#i want people to see me#i just want people to acknowledge my existence#without me having to remind them that i exist#i want people to like me so badly its not even funny anymore#everyone always leaves#i dont know what im doing wrong#is there something wrong with me#am i just not likable enough#im so tired#im so bored#i just want people to like me#im so fucking lonely#im sick of it
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i dont like when all the fears of the day ball into one big Ball Of Sad at night. not fun.
#smudgy.txt#.vent#idk whats wrong i was coping so well today (avoiding thinking abt my problems by#focusing on character writing instead)#its so frustrating when u just dont know what else to do. so u just.. do nothing.#but that doesnt make it go away!!!! grr!!!!!#u know what else is fucking frustrating. the 'my friends dont like me' feeling#not going away even when u have fun w ur friends. its not FAIR#its not fair knowing for a fact there is nothing uniquely wrong w u#yet at the end of the day u cry thinking abt all the ways ur existence was a fuck up#its not fair knowing ur allowed to hurt but feeling like a lazy pos for it anyway#ive spent so many days locked up in this room BECAUSE LEAVING IT MAKES ME FEEL#REALLY BAD!!!!!!! AND IM TRYING TO FUCKING GET EVEN A CRUMB OF ENERGY!!!!!!!#and i feel soooo terrible horrible like a wretched person for it#and itll just never end. itll never end. lord i am so tired
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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rlly kinda crazy how if u think about it 99% of my interests are like. bpd related and when u take away the stuff that i got into bc i was obsessed w someone like… theres not much there lol. and then im not even interested in it even more like what the fuck do i dooooooooo
#i say this bc im trying to. like heal and not havw unhealthy attachments and like#rlly trying to stop this shit bc im so tired of just like. having a literal fucking ego death everytime the person i like doesnt like me#anyways was like.. just thinking about reading voltron fanfic bc honestly it holds up#and like yea voltron is just like. a thing i like but i only ever watched it in 2020 bc my ex liked it and i just. idk#even stray kids was the same i got into them bc my ex liked them and then more bc of ***** so like#idk#its not that i dont love skz i just feel like. so detatched from my interests rn#i need something that i like because I LIKE IT not bc someone im obseesed with likes it#i guess thats tma rn but tma exists weirdly to me podcasts are just different#idk yeah hi guys i miss u all i feel so weird rn#do not feel like a real person but i am trying to be happy 👍#jace.txt
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:/
#not feelin good fam#haven't bellyached on here in a while but i just. im so fucking tired#of just. everything#also im literally exhausted i havent slept the last like 3 nights lol#but its mostly a metaphysical exhaustion#idk im too sleep deprived to explain it but just like. the years collapse in on themselves and every moment exists in a superposition#ive been here before ill be here again i am always right here in this moment#my whole life stretches out to either side and its just. more of the same#pain and sadness and fear echoing up and down the line#and utter utter exhaustion#they say chronic sleep deprivation permanently stunts brain development#i can only imagine what kind of damage ive done over the past 20+ years#anyway#personal spewage
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idk maybe im crazy for this take but i dont necessarily want to be visibly trans. im private-- what i am is my business. my gender and my relationship to gender is not for or about you. its not about passing as much as this is my experience and mine alone. stop making assumptions about what you see you dont know me
#maybe im taking crazy pills#idk its just i feel. people see my body or my mannerisms or the fact that i dont pitch down my voice#and i emote a lot and do things that would be read as 'fruity' for a man#like. i am not doing this to be fruity i am just fucking existing and dont feel like contorting my behavior#to fit how you expect a man to act#its kind of why i reject manhood altogether that seems so tiring. thats exhausting#im not a feminine man im masculine#hello. can anybody hear me
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day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/
#reze stfu#god i honestly. idk what to say#my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go#but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child#that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a...#idk. an experiment or wtv#I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !!#i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly#and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/#maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that??#just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house#maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday#god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them#that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me#despite KNOWING that isnt true#and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please#please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father#WHY am i the most responsible person in that house???#you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money#no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you????????#i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup#its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim?#ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again#and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay#that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun#tw suicide#tw vent
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