#its just that it felt so much more inclusive and the excitement was shared

[carry-on-every-neverland-magic]

Also also it's literally just the first two eps people are lucky enough to have seen early, no one can say what else happens or the ending so wanting to know some things from the first two to get even more excited seems reasonable and I'm bothered by the holier than thou who are getting at fans who are actually tagging spoilers correctly and asking privately for spoilers with no intention of deliberately ruining it for someone else, like let us live a little and if you are privileged enough to see these screenings (if I wasn't broke I could have got London tickets since I'm off work next week but alas I'm poor 😭) so maybe just don't say anything if you're not gonna give a morsel of a spoiler. The show and everyone have put themselves here by allowing people to see it early like what did they think would happen?! Of course people wanna know things and get more excited so ya just saying if I'd have gone I'd be telling anyone who wanted to know every single juicy detail.

[pr0cyon-lotor]

Cuteness Aggression: Fuh'fin's first time meeting humans

The Yimex were respected warriors on the intergalactic scene. They are apex predators by galactic standards. Their muzzles were filled with sharpened teeth fit for ripping flesh apart or even incapacitating their prey. Their agility was unmatched by even most machinery. Their sharp and attentive eyes could see more clearly in dark environments, especially thanks to their mask-like fur pattern.

 

By all means, they were terrifying to every other race. But since their inclusion in the galactic council, they've pulled back on their once-feral nature. Once they met more alien races and realized they held the same beliefs as their people, they agreed to join.

 

The Yimex were terrifying beyond a doubt, but they had honor. They only attacked if they were threatened, and they wouldn't lose. That's why they were so respected throughout the greater galaxy. They also started taking jobs as protectors and guards for other races.

 

The Yimex were highly intelligent and could learn how to use tools and weapons rather quickly. And they also had a grand sense of protectiveness, especially toward smaller creatures and their own. They were gentle protectors once one got over the initial fear.

 

Fuh'fin was a Yimex. He was a guard sent to escort a crew of the newer race added to the council. Humans, if he remembered correctly. He hadn't heard much about them other than that they were apparently considered apex predators, much like the Yimex. Their intelligence was revered by many; however, their biology was much smaller and unfit for war.

 

Ambush predators perhaps? How interesting...

 

Fuh'fin couldn't deny that he was quite excited to meet these humans. He was always interested in meeting other beings from different races. The Yimex were social by nature, and by his understanding, this job was going to be a rather long one. He was excited, yet worried that these humans wouldn't share his excitement.

 

From what he saw, their politicians were quite serious. What if their entire race was like that? Fuh'fin hoped they weren't. He hated jobs that were quiet and purely business. Yes, he could bear it, but it was agony. The Yimex were energetic and always eager to socialize. He hoped this new race would share that desire.

 

Well, no mind to that. He had to seem proper. He had to seem serious; he was working.

 

Fuh'fin walked along with his supervisor. He had to look up at him while he explained this assignment. Yimex were naturally quadrupedal, although they could stand bipedal, but it wasn't very comfortable.

 

"These humans are from a carrier company on earth. Apparently, they wanted to have a guard just in case. They seemed rather eager to have you come with them for whatever reason," Fuh'fin's supervisor said plainly while looking forward.

 

"May I ask why?" Fuh'fin felt a bit curious about why he was picked. Not that he wasn't a good guard. It's just other races; we're still quite scared of the Yimex. It's not every day that he is asked for a job that's not life or death.

 

"They said you reminded them of a creature on their home planet," his supervisor said with a shrug. They did seem as curious as Fuh'fin felt. Maybe he should ask once he meets the captain.

 

Fuh'fin looked over at the ship they were approaching. Sleek and minimalist on the outside, giant thrusters on its side—rather intimidating, if you ask Fuh'fin. Serious and slightly terrifying.

 

Fuh'fin looked over at the letters on the ship's side. His translator worked quickly and translated the text as "USS Bartholomew". Was that a warrior from their race? He wasn't sure about the humans, but many ships from other races are named after warriors. It was interesting; maybe that was something Fuh'fin could use as a conversation starter.

 

Footsteps took Fuh'fin away from his thoughts. He looked over, and finally he saw the human,who he guessed was the captain. He had an expression that Fuh'fin was told meant the human was feeling positive. A smile, if he remembered correctly.

 

"Good day. I'm the captain of the USS Bartholomew," the human said with a calm tone. He brought his hand out to Fuh'fin's supervisor. It was a human greeting, a sign of peace. "The pleasure is mine, captain," his supervisor said plainly, shaking the human's hand.

 

Ah! He should shake his hand as well. After all, it was a greeting. Fuh'fin finally stood on his hind legs. The Yimex were long-bodied, so once they stood on their hind legs, they towered overall.

 

Usually, that terrified other races—a tall, looming predator looking down on you. Yet, this human didn't react more than a slight widening of the eyes. Except it wasn't in fear. Fuh'fin saw the humans' pupils dilate when they looked at Fuh'fin. Wasn't that something that happens to humans when they see something attractive or pleasing to the eye?

 

The human made a coughing sound and trained their face into a calm expression. Yet Fuh'fin could smell dopamine suddenly. A black market stimulant, but he was told humans release it when they're happy. What a strange race!

 

"I'm Captain Gonzalez," the human said with a smile as they extended their hand. Fuh'fin shook the hand with his paw. He could feel the human's heart beat accelerate as his paw pads made contact with the human's hand. The smell of dopamine increased and is now joined by the scent of oxytocin. Another black market stimulant: how many black market substances do humans produce naturally?

 

"I'm Fuh'fin of the Yimex, Captain Gonzalez," Fuh'fin says with a calm tone. The captain stared at him for a moment before their eyes suddenly gained the light of consciousness again. "You– you are a part of the crew; you can call me Hugo," the captain said with a nonthreatening sound, a laugh?

 

"Come with me; I'll show you around," the captain said with a smile, waving his hand for Fuh'fin to follow him. Fuh'fin settled again on his four legs and followed the captain. They boarded the ship.

 

In the new environment, Fuh'fin sniffed around as they walked. He was trying to get used to the new smells. As the captain led Fuh'fin through the corridor, a sweet scent reminded him of the fruit of his mother planet. Subconsciously, Fuh'fin let out a few dooks of happiness.

 

Then a loud metallic sound startled Fuh'fin. He whipped his head around toward the captain and smelled him. The smell of blood filled the air. "Captain! What happened?" Fuh'fin stood on his hind legs to grab the captain's shoulders.

 

The captain had punched a wall. It was pure metal, yet he left a dent. Was he angry at Fuh'fin for making a sound? No, the smell of dopamine was strong. He was happy, but why would he punch a wall?

 

"Captain?" Fuh'fin said softly. He heard Hugo take a deep breath, and then he moved his hand away. "Sorry, cuteness aggression," he said with a smile. He cradled his hand with his non-broken one. Blood spilled from his knuckles.

 

Cuteness aggression? What was that? Why would it merit punching a wall? Why was he feeling it?

 

"Let's take this time to show you the medical deck and get you a new guide while I get patched up," the captain said with a laugh. He walked calmly, like he hadn't just broken his hand and left a dent on a metal wall. How was he so calm? Any other creature would be writhing in pain, yet he walked easily, like it was nothing.

 

Fuh'fin followed him, slightly panicked. "Captain! Why are you so calm? Aren't you in pain?" He asked with worry. "Once the adrenaline crashes, it's going to hurt like a bitch, but I'm fine so far," the captain said easily.

 

Now that he mentioned it, adrenaline was strong in the air. Was he producing this chemical?

 

Before Fuh'fin could ask anything else, they reached the medicine deck. "Doc! I need your assistance and a new guide for our new guy," the captain said pleasantly to a woman writing something. She looked up with a blank expression and then locked eyes with Fuh'fin.

 

She let out a shriek. Fuh'fin recoiled. Did he scare this human? He didn't make any moves that should be considered threatening. The captain seemed unbothered by him. What did he do? Was it his muzzle? Only predators have muzzles. Yeah, it's probably his muzzle. This human probably recognized him as a predator. Should he apologize?

 

Fuh'fin panicked as his eyes darted around to think of a way to apologize for scaring her, yet she squealed. "He's adorable! Oh my God! He looks like a giant ferret!" The human squealed and ran over with a large smile... She wasn't scared?

 

...Wait, adorable?

 

The human woman dropped to her knees and started petting Fuh'fin. He just froze, trying to make sense of what he heard.

 

"He's so cute! I love him! This is the guard you hired? Can we keep him?" The human said it with... excitement? Dopamine and oxytocin were basically pouring out of her as she ran her hands through Fuh'fin's fur. She wasn't scared. She wasn't scared at all.

 

"Uh— uhm... H-hello?" Fuh'fin tried speaking. As confused as he was, the captain needed medical attention. He barely got appointed to this crew; he couldn't just let his captain stay hurt.

 

The human squealed in delight, and Fuh'fin could basically see stars in her eyes. He felt flustered. "The—The captain..." Fuh'fin felt shy; he was so used to other races being terrified of him. Yet here was a human who seemingly adored him just for existing. "He—he's hurt," Fuh'fin finally spat out.

 

"Huh?" The human said it absently and looked at the captain. Her eyes widened, and she stood up suddenly. "Shit! Sorry, captain! Please sit down," she said frantically while picking up a medical carrier. The captain sat down, and the woman started to tend to his hand.

 

Fuh'fin sat next to the captain and curled his tail around himself. How was the captain so calm? He even looked amused, but it was hard to tell. Fuh'fin wasn't the best at reading expressions; the Yimex didn't have facial expressions. They relied on body language to communicate emotion.

 

The captain's body language has not changed from his confident yet relaxed posture. Humans were confusing. The human woman was so open with her body language, but the captain wasn't. They were at different places on the spectrum. Fuh'fin needed to get better at understanding inflection and facial expressions then.

 

The captain patted Fuh'fin's shoulder reassuringly. "I'm fine, Fuh'fin," he said with a smile. Fuh'fin was curious how the captain noticed his worry, and then he noticed he was chittering nervously. "My apologies," Fuh'fin murmured, and he decided to try to calm himself.

 

Fuh'fin shook his head to fix his untidy fur. He settled down comfortably and started grooming himself. He fixed his unruly fur as he waited for the captain to get patched up. He finally rested his paw on the ground and looked at the captain.

 

"Sorry, Fuh'fin, Mina gets excited when she sees fluffy animals," he said with an amused expression. He had noticed Fuh'fin grooming himself. "Better than fear," Fuh'fin said quietly, his ears flattened against his head. "True, much better than fear," the captain said with an understanding tone, like he completely knew what Fuh'fin meant.

 

Something about the captain's words comforted Fuh'fin. "Why aren't you scared of me?" He asked while turning his head to look at the humans. "You remind us of an earth creature, but much bigger," Mina replied. "Is that animal a predator as well?" Fuh'fin asked. "Yes, but we think they're adorable." Mina smiled in delight, clearly reminiscing.

 

"So you think I'm adorable? Even though I'm much bigger than you?" Fuh'fin said with confusion, and his tail whipped a bit in mild frustration. "Actually, you being huge is really satisfying the monkey brain in us," the captain said with amusement. "You are very huggable," the captain said quietly as his uninjured hand quickly typed something on a tablet before setting it down.

 

Huggable? The captain wanted to hug Fuh'fin. No one except other Yimex has ever expressed that desire. It was acceptance of one's nest in Yimex society. Was Fuh'fin accepted? The prospect made him happy. Only the other Yimex accepted Fuh'fin.

 

"So... you aren't scared of me at all?" Fuh'fin said cautiously. "Oh, no, no, no. You look absolutely adorable to us," the captain said while Mina splinted his hand.

 

"Adorable... Huh... I've never been called adorable before," Fuh'fin said softly. Happiness filled him; he was truly accepted then. Without realizing it, he started dooking. "The cuteness aggression is hitting again," the captain said quietly. Mina laughed and nodded her head.

 

Fuh'fin looked at the captain, still dooking. "What's cuteness aggression?" He tilted his head while he spoke. "Something too cute makes our brain produce too much happy chemical, so it confuses the brain and activates the fight or flight reflex," Mina explained simply.

 

Fuh'fin sniffed the air slightly, and as Mina explained, the smell of dopamine was strong in the captain. "Did I cause it?" He asked with mild worry. "Is that why you punched the wall?" Fuh'fin asked the captain.

 

"Yeah, I don't blame you, though," the captain said calmly. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by asking to pet you or something. I want you to feel comfortable with us," the captain explained. Fuh'fin's nose twitched; that was basically an invitation to their crew... their nest.

 

Fuh'fin rubbed his muzzle against the captain's shoulder. He accepted the invitation as per Yimex standards. He felt the captain's hand hesitate before he pet Fuh'fin's head.

 

"I'm guessing this means you're comfortable with us," the captain said with a quiet laugh. "Yes, I'm comfortable," Fuh'fin said softly, dooking in joy. "We'll tell the crew to keep their hands to themselves until you're comfortable with everyone," the captain said with a smile.

 

~~~

 

The captain was patched up and forced to sit down and relax. Mina had taken it upon herself to finish the tour of the ship. She showed Fuh'fin around and introduced everyone that stopped by to greet him. They all seemed beyond excited when they saw Fuh'fin, but he guessed the captain had already told them not to touch Fuh'fin until he was fully adjusted to everything.

 

Fuh'fin met around half the ship, as Mina told him. He quite liked a tall human woman who went by Vi-Vi. She had bright red hair with yellow tips; it reminded him of a flower on his mother planet, and she smelled of a human fruit, as Vi-Vi told him, strawberries.

 

He liked the smell; it was sweet. Vi-Vi stuck out from everyone else, not because of her hair or height, but because she had a robotic prosthetic arm and paintings on her other arm. She seemed completely different from the crew Fuh'fin met; her energy radiated leadership just like the captain's.

 

Yet she was sweet, just like the scent of strawberries that followed her. She excused herself and left to return to her job. When Vi-Vi left, Mina continued showing him around.

 

Once the tour was done, a ring came from the speakers. "Oh, it's time to go to sleep," Mina said pleasantly. Fuh'fin then noticed he was getting tired as well; it was smart to get into his cot before he just dropped from exhaustion.

 

"Where should I sleep?" Fuh'fin asked with a yawn. "Oh, yeah, let me show you your room," Mina said excitedly. Oh, he had a room. He wasn't used to that; usually he was bunked with a bunch of other crew members in his other jobs. He liked sleeping with others around; it felt safe.

 

Fuh'fin followed Mina with interest. She stopped in front of a door, and it slid open. "I did some research on the Yimex, so your room would be comfortable," Mina said with a smile. "And I read that the Yimex like sleeping in groups, correct?" "Yes, it feels nice," Fuh'fin answered, curious what this was leading to.

 

"We don't have other Yimex on board; instead, we put three other crew members in your room, and we'll give you plenty of blankets and pillows for you to make a comfortable nest," Mina said with a smile. Fuh'fin peeked into the room with mild excitement.

 

"You can move anything around to your comfort," Mina said while she watched Fuh'fin look inside. The room had a weird layout. It had random platforms sticking out of the walls, along with pedestals sticking out of the floor. It looked a bit like a jungle gym, and the floor was cushioned.

 

He walked into the room while looking around. "You can get comfortable anywhere, and we'll get you anything you need," Mina said with a smile as she saw Fuh'fin starting to climb around the pedestals and platforms. She was glad she researched this. Yimex apparently didn't like closed-off spaces but liked running around, so this room was designed with that in mind.

 

Fuh'fin splooted on a platform comfortably and yawned. Mina laughed when she saw his tail wag. "I'll come back with blankets so you can get properly comfortable," she said with a small laugh. Fuh'fin's tail wagged a bit more.

 

Mina came back with what Fuh'fin presumed to be his roommates and blankets. Fuh'fin climbed down to greet them and noticed that Vi-Vi was a part of the group. Mina introduced the other two to Fuh'fin. Matthew, a man with a sly smile and smart eyes. Jenny, a woman with a tired expression but gentle eyes.

 

Fuh'fin greeted them, and Mina gave him a few blankets and pillows. He picked them up with his mouth and climbed up to the spot where he felt comfortable. Mina bid them good night and left. While everyone got comfortable and established their spots, they spoke about random topics.

 

Vi-Vi had climbed on another platform and arranged her pillows and blankets. Matthew picked a small corner the pedestals created—a small, crowded place—yet he seemed pleased... At least Fuh'fin thought he did; Matthew was near impossible to read in comparison to everyone else. Jenny settled underneath one of the platforms; it was the darkest place in the room.

 

Fuh'fin fell asleep while he heard everyone speaking. He couldn't fight sleep at all, so he just crashed. However, he felt comfortable. Everyone was so pleasant; he liked it. He liked this job. He liked being a part of this nest. He hoped they liked him as well.

[cosmereplay]

Kaladin Didn’t Invent Therapy (And Why That’s Actually Great)

“...You need someone to talk to, Noril, when the darkness is strong. Someone to remind you the world hasn’t always been this way; that it won’t always be this way.” “How do you … know this?” Noril asked. “I’ve felt it,” Kaladin said. “Feel it most days.” - Rhythm of War, Ch. 25 Devotary of Mercy

I’m writing as someone with a background in psychotherapy and peer support, and I'm bursting with excitement about one of my favourite topics. You can imagine why I love Kaladin’s arc in Rhythm of War so much! I actually yelled out loud when I read some of these parts the first time.

I’ve seen people online saying and making jokes that Kaladin invents therapy, and while that could eventually be true, what Kaladin actually invented in RoW is mental health peer support. Psychotherapy as most people would understand it simply doesn’t exist yet on Roshar. However, peer support is a legitimate modality for healing on its own merits. Even more importantly for the story, peer support is something Kaladin would personally really benefit from, and it fits his narrative arc way better than therapy would.

1. Therapy as we know it won’t exist for a while yet.

“We need to study their responses, use an empirical approach to treatment instead of just assuming someone who has suffered mental trauma is permanently broken.” - Rhythm of War, Ch. 25 Devotary of Mercy “Someone needs to talk to them, try different treatments, see what they think works. What actually helps.” - Rhythm of War, Ch. 25 Devotary of Mercy

Obviously, Kaladin has not been educated in battle shock or melancholia or any other diagnosis. In Alethkar there's hardly any knowledge to be had on the subject. Even now in real life, research into effective interventions for various diagnoses is still ongoing, over 100 years after modern therapy was founded.

Building an empirical knowledge base* will take time, not to mention the years it will take to train new therapists across Roshar in how to provide interventions specific to various issues. Therapy as we know it today generally includes time in mentorship with another therapist, so in a way, the first therapist isn't a therapist. 😅 In the meantime, there are people who need help today, including Kaladin.

Peer support can fill that gap because its knowledge base is different. Peers bring their expertise, which is their years of trial and error, successes and failures - their lived experience. Peer facilitators need to know the basics of managing a group, and they have to be willing to share their own experiences and learn from the group. Thus, training peer leaders is relatively quick, and incredibly scalable and adaptable across cultures and many issues/diagnoses.

2. Peer Support is a distinct path to recovery that doesn’t require an expert in therapy.

Kaladin located six men in the sanitarium with similar symptoms. He released them and got them working to support each other. He developed a plan, and showed them how to share in ways that would help...Today they sat in seats on the balcony outside his clinic. Warmed by mugs of tea, they talked. About their lives. The people they’d lost. The darkness. - Rhythm of War, Ch. 33 Understanding “While you can’t force it, having someone to talk to usually helps. You should be letting him meet with others who feel like he does.” - Rhythm of War, Ch. 25, Devotary of Mercy

Kaladin is already positioning himself to align with the values of peer support. Some of these values overlap with therapy, such as dignity, respect, inclusion, hope, and trust. What makes peer support different is a particular emphasis on equal relationships, self-determination, and personal growth (Peer Support Canada, 2022).

In peer support, the group facilitator is not considered an authority like a therapist would be. A peer leader may be further on the road to recovery, but they may not be. They are expected to listen and grow just like any other group member.

Because the leader of the group is also a learner, peer support groups tend to be more collaborative and open-ended. Everyone in the group has something they can take out of it and something to give. Everyone in the group is responsible for managing their own self care, and everyone in the group is responsible for the direction of their own growth. This is different from most therapy groups, which often have a specific focus or goal that the therapist is responsible for implementing. And speaking of responsibility...

3. Peer Support Fits Kaladin’s Narrative Arc Better than Therapy

At his father’s recommendation—then insistence—Kaladin took it slowly, confining his initial efforts to men who shared similar symptoms. Battle fatigue, nightmares, persistent melancholy, suicidal tendencies. -Rhythm of War, Ch. 33 Understanding …he’d learned—these last few months—that his battle shock could take many forms. He was getting to where he could confront it. -Rhythm of War, Ch. 39 Invasion

I think everyone can agree that Kaladin needs to participate in therapy just as much as the other battle-shocked men he finds in the Devotary of Mercy.

However, in therapy, the focus is solely on the needs of the clients. A therapist should not be distracted by their own issues (when this happens, it’s called countertransference). Further, therapy is generally framed such that the therapist is the only expert in the room, which means therapists have a higher level of responsibility for how the clients are doing (which varies depending on the issue, the therapy modality, and the circumstances).

In his own recovery, Kaladin is working on trying to take less responsibility for others, so setting him up as a therapeutic authority could be harmful for him. In a position of authority, he might be tempted to replicate the hierarchical structure he was in before (which would impede his own growth), or try to save everyone (which could impede everyone's growth). He simply doesn’t have the mentorship or knowledge base he'd need to work through those issues before leading as an expert.

In contrast, the point of peer support is the mutual sharing of lived experience. The group facilitator is expected to share their own struggles (as a model of recovery), and allow others to support them. In the context of a more balanced power dynamic, Kaladin can give the other group members the space they need to grow, and he can pursue his own recovery without feeling like he’s letting others down. Also, he will be able to leave the group during KOWT without worrying that the group won't be able to run without him. Everyone in the group carries some responsibility for each other, so group members can come and go with less stress than a change in therapist would cause in group therapy.

This is the beauty of peer support. It can happen anywhere people with similar experiences get together. No formal education is required. What is required is a willingness to know yourself as well as you can; to share your experiences; to listen to others tell their stories; to question your own assumptions as you learn how others handle things differently; to look out for each other's safety; to care.

Peer support creates a place of belonging and a community repository of shared wisdom. Kaladin almost had it on Bridge Four, but his position of authority wouldn’t allow him to grow the way he needed. Peer support is what Kaladin needs - he needs a place where he can take off his armour among people who get it because they're struggling with similar issues, and without having a position of responsibility over them. When he (eventually**) attends the groups, they help him grow!

Anyway, that's why Kaladin didn’t invent therapy, and why I think that's great.

For the men chatting together softly, the change was in being shown sunlight again. In being reminded that the darkness did pass. But perhaps most important, the change was in not merely knowing that you weren’t alone—but in feeling it. Realizing that no matter how isolated you thought you were, no matter how often your brain told you terrible things, there were others who understood. - Rhythm of War, Ch. 33 Understanding

---

*Funny enough, empirical research could lead Rosharan researchers right back to peer support. Empirical research on Earth has shown that modern therapy and peer support have similar levels of effectiveness (for example, for depression and PTSD).

**Look who’s resisting attending the groups he founded…KALADIN!! (shakes fist in the general direction of the sky) (This is the most relatable passage for me in this whole book, by the way, helper types unite lmao):

Kaladin looked down at the table. Had it? Had talking to Noril helped? “He’s been avoiding joining in,” Teft said. “I haven’t,” Kaladin snapped. “I’ve been busy.” Teft gave him a flat stare. Storming sergeants. They always heard the things you weren’t saying. - Rhythm of War, Ch. 38 Rhythm of the Terrors

Peer Support Canada. (2022). Peer Support Core Values. Accessed from https://peersupportcanada.ca/ Jun 27, 2022.

[guiltysungho]

— boynextdoor if they were gonna do a public confession.

genre : tags. fluff, confessions, f2l

wordcount. 200 - 400 each

a/n. i hope y’all like this i was kicking my feet thinking about these. same vibe as the first headcanons (public) but now its inclusive not 18+ who jumped?? :D

sungho;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you had been getting used to each other’s company, you only recently met through a friend but the feelings were undeniable.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི one of the reasons he felt so drawn to you was your similar taste in movies, every time he’d bring up a favorite you would gasp in excitement, sharing your love for the movie as well.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you would often stay up just reminiscing of the first time you watched a comfort movie, the first time made you cry all the emotions in it, shared with your new favorite stranger.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི it was lucky that there was a outdoor movie theater open in the city, it was fate that they were showing one of your shared favorites. he had to take you there, and maybe he would let the words slip.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི watching the movie together, the sun setting in the background, he knew it was the perfect moment.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི bringing your gaze to his with a his hand on your chin, the sound of the movie playing in the background as he echoed the words to you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i want you. i want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”

ᡣ𐭩ྀི the curve on your lips planted a fire in his heart, watching as you leaned closer, eyes bouncing between yours and the gap in your lips.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི one pull by the collar and his lips were all yours.

riwoo;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he knows what this feeling is, why your proximity makes his whole body heat up but he just didn’t expect to feel this with you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི whatever you were feeling wasn’t clear to him, you had been friends for the longest time so any display of affection could mean anything.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he could be misinterpreting your quiet sweet nothings whispered into his neck whenever you cuddled on the couch, your soft lips grazing his adam’s apple every now and then forcing him to divert his focus.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི maybe you didn’t mean anything when you’d tell him, how much you missed him in the dead of the night when you were away.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི but it was all getting to him and he was really hoping it meant something.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he knows it could wait, you were at a park under a tree just watching people pass by. you rested your head on his chest with his arm wrapped around you, he couldn’t tell if you were asleep or not but the words couldn’t wait.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i like you here in my arms, i find myself loving you more when you’re so close” he whispers to you, you’re quiet so he continues, he could at least get it off his chest.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i genuinely do love you, in ways i don’t even understand, more than you know.”

ᡣ𐭩ྀི when you look up, he’s obviously flustered he thought he’d been talking to himself but you heard it all. the smile on your face relieves his tension, and then you let him know your love with a delicate kiss.

jaehyun;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you probably already knew how jaehyun felt about you, everyone did. he never really tried hiding his feelings even though he didn’t explicitly expose them.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི it was in his touch that you knew, his hands would always find their way in your hair, pushing a couple strands behind your ear when you were busy. using childish tactics just so he could hold your hand occasionally.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི and yet he never told you his true feelings, because your feelings were never truly clear but now he could tell.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he took you out to a karaoke bar, he knew what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. he wanted you to feel special amongst the crowd because that was what you were to him.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི after a few duets and a couple drinks, he goes up on the mini stage picking out a song, glancing up at you before starting.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “this song is called bad by wave to earth, i’m dedicating it to all the good in my life” he’s addressing the public but he’s only talking to you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི his voice is perfect with the song, not a single crack just pure melody, beautiful harmonies for you. he bounces off the stage, singing as he makes his way over to you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i’m sorry i made you wait, i love you” he smiles watching you blush at his words spoken loudly in the mic.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི pulling the mic away from his lips, you whisper the words back before placing a kiss on his lips. as soon as you pull away he brings the mic back to his lips, “she loves me y’all”

taesan;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he hates that he likes you because he doesn’t want to be one of those guys that can’t keep a female friend but the feelings are clearly there.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he doesn’t show it and doesn’t plan on telling you, he just chooses to enjoy having you as a friend, instead of self sabotaging.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི it felt impossible that you would reciprocate the feelings anyways because you had mentioned liking someone for the longest time so he was sure of his choice.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you would go out often together to your favorite spots, sharing your interests, new or old just rediscovering yourselves through music or art.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི this time around he brought you to a different vinyl store from the one he usually went to, bigger with more variety. he’d encourage you to pick out a few records to listen to, picking a couple of his own for you to listen to.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི there were no booth just vinyl players with connected headphones, he helped you setting up the music. glancing over your shoulder to him as he grabbed the headphones, placing them on your ears letting the music play for.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི whenever you became a part of his safe space, it made him want you more like you were meant to be here with him.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he just leaned over on the side watching you enjoy the music you picked out, telling him what you thought of the songs as they played, he couldn’t help the adoring smile on his face.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i picked out this song specifically for you, it makes me think of you” he tells you, unaware you can hear him clearly even with the music.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི Something by the Beatles, the lyrics make it clear but his words clear any doubts.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “you drive me crazy” he scoffs at himself, ruffling his bangs before turning back to a shelf. you take off the headphones and make your way over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder for him to turn to him, his brows flinch at the sight of you so close but then he smiles. you smile back as you pull him in closer towards you arms around his neck, kissing him cautiously.

leehan;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི at first he just thought he just found you pretty, you were undeniably one of the most attractive girls he’d met. physical attraction would make sense but that really wasn’t it.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི not when everything you did brought him joy, just watching you swipe through your phone aimlessly, he found himself smiling like a fool.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you weren’t even that close but everything he learned about you made him want to know you more, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and aspirations, he wanted to be the one you shared those thoughts with.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི when you agreed to spend the day with him, he made up his mind to be honest about his heart.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he waited patiently for the right moment at the end of the day after watching a movie together, a nice walk in the cool winter breeze leading you to an ice rink.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི the smile on your face as you got on the ice together made it worth the wait, you were unsteady taking little steps while holding on to the wall.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི you’d apologize for your clumsiness after almost slipping a couple times but he was just glad to see you having fun even after losing your balance you’d laugh it off. looking at the pure bliss on your face, he only wanted it to last.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “here take my hands” stretching his hands open for you to hold, “just follow my movements, don’t pay attention to anything else. if you fall i’ll catch you trust me.”

ᡣ𐭩ྀི so you did as he said holding onto his hands, slight panic in your eyes as he started gliding backwards allowing you to move along with him, shaky eyes watching your feet “hey look up at me, you’re doing fine”

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “you’re doing so well, i’m impressed” he says looking at you with a dazed smile. it happens in a flash, his eyes widen as his body falls back pulling you along with him.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི the fall isn’t a painful one maybe since you were on him, you pull away from his chest a surprised smile on your face as you check up on him. an embarrassed laugh escapes his lips and then a pause as he realizes how close you were, his eyes are locked on your lips for a second before coming back up to your eyes.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “i want to kiss you, right here in front of everyone” his hand reaching towards your face, pushing your hair behind your ear, “tell me that’s okay”

ᡣ𐭩ྀི one silent nod from you and his lips are on yours, kissing you so gently the cold ice under your knees adding to the chills across your body.

woonhak;

ᡣ𐭩ྀི woonhak likes you, he likes your laugh, he likes your groans, he likes your burps, he likes your everything. he doesn’t really know why but you’ve been the only thing on his mind ever since he thought of you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he’s not sure how you feel but he doesn’t really worry about it, he’s too focused on being completely enamored by you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི your voice from across the room, discussing a random topic with your friends, makes coming to class worth the while. even if that’s the only thing he listens to.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he knows you’ll show up to his basketball game, you always do thats where he first met you. your loud cheering, tiny jumps of joy every time his team scored made him curious, it wasn’t unfamiliar to him but you were.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི and there you were once again, a cute wave to him the moment you noticed him on the court. he could get used to that, your little gestures just for him.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི the whole match he barely could keep his eyes off you with every ball bounce came a glance in your direction, whenever he’d score he’d flex his arms up at you with a big smile, proud of his achievement.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི he knew he had to make this shot in the last minutes of the match, less for the team and more for you.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “hey y/n! this last shot is for you, i’m taking you out after this” he yells as he sprints across the court dribbling the ball, dodging the opposing team before shooting the ball through the hoop with a light jump.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི as the ball passes through the match ends, he turns to you shocked by his own skills, jogging over to you before lifting you up in his arms.

ᡣ𐭩ྀི “did you love that?” he looks up at you up in his arms, you can’t help the smile growing on your lips as you look at him, “i love you” he says under his breath.

[coffin-hopping]

hopping on here to say sum about this beef again because I am so annoyed rn😭 this isn’t even rlly about the beef but about the way y’all treat rap as a genre.

so I know I’m not the first one to say sum about this topic, but it’s the way it goes over y’alls heads is just infuriating.

If I may over share, I’m a Mexican kid who grew up with rap, like I had rap playing in my house since I was a baby, I listened to rap with my friends, I had rap during the worst times in my life. and it always stuck with me. rap is such an important genre to me and so many others and it sucks so fucking bad how much its straight up ignored or demonized. being a poc in like, any fandom is such an isolating experience because you just feel like NO ONE gets it like you do. I have noticed for literally YEARS how much it’s ignored within the music industry itself and society in general. especially fandom spaces.

I was so fucking excited when the kendrick vs drake beef got to tumblr because I FlNALLY felt like my communities were combining and this could form some further solidarity between fandom and the rap community, so these spaces could gradually become more diverse and open and inclusive

and then I saw that post where hbombguy responded to that tweet that said like “y’all don’t care about the kendrick vs drake situation until your favorite White Guy Video Essayist makes a video on it” and it is SO FUCKING TRUE. y’all don’t give a shit about poc’s opinions when it comes to ANYTHING but that’s a conversation none of y’all are ready to have. and then I go into the notes. It was filled with ppl going “omg literally me!! he’s so funny!!” ignoring the blatant ignorance they’re admitting to without even acknowledging it. that, or it’s just people going “erm I don’t care about this beef at all actually”

and if you, person reading this, are either of those people: shut up! please shut up! you do not get it! things like this in the rap community are a spectacle and they’re important in a way. I’m not gonna go into your fandom and tell you that whatever drama going on there just isn’t important or whatever the fuck. so if you don’t get it or don’t care, please for the love of god shut up and let our community have our discussions in peace.

[clayderogatory]

not a resident evil related post but quick four am rant that i felt the need to share but i really wish there were concerts that were more neurodivergent friendly

like i would absolutely love to go see an artist i love and hear them perform songs i love live, but other than price, it's incredibly loud, packed with people, lights are overstimulating—its overstimulation station at its finest

and like i get it for concerts to be exciting and well worth your time and money but like its SO unfriendly to people with sensory issues which is why ive never been to a concert before—i legitimately cannot handle it and knowing how the world works and how it really isnt inclusive to neurodivergent people, its really unlikely

i just simply wish to listen to silly little tunes without the feeling of immediately being overstimulated because me personally i get overstimulated SO quickly

its also another reason why i like musicals or plays so much (other than being a theatre kid) but you can listen to good music and watch something entertaining without getting overstimulated. cause its quiet, the lights are off except on stage, and people clap and cheer at like the end of a number or scene and its way easier to handle! If there were more concerts like that i would want to go so much because i could handle it!!!

end of rant but it was on my mind all day today

[gauntletqueen]

Despite fear of asking something you probably already explained, do you have any insights as to the creation of queen the fennec? Such as why a fennec or the inclusion of dusty etc? Other than a love of Sonic that part seems pretty self explanatory

That's okay even if I had! Which I have on stream, so a written account is still useful! Buckle up I am going to write too much, as usual

Why a Sonic character? I wanted a Sonic OC model because there's a lot of official Sonic games, Sonic fan games and Sonic-inspired games that I want to cover, since as you say I love the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise!

Why a fennec fox? I knew that if I were to ever make a furry or mammal-eared alt, it'd be a fennec! Foxes are a staple in my family, and I feel they fit me quite well. They make lots of silly noises and show their excitement very physically. They're generally fun and cute but charismatic as well (though I'm probably more fun n cute than I am charismatic) However! Red foxes are fairly solitary, which is NOT like me, i looove my friends I looove spending time with my friends and family!!! SO I went with Fennec Fox instead! They share most of the traits I listed BUT live in groups :>

Why Dusty? I like to make all the hypothetical boss fights of the alts be based on specific types of boss fights you can encounter in real games. The idea I had for Fennec was that it'd be a duo you fight at the same time! At first she would just have a special badnik accompanying her, but I realised it'd be a fun subversion if a small animal piloted the robot rather than serve as its energy source. From then on I pretty much instantly decided that the animal would be based on Dusty, a real pet rabbit I used to have and whom I loved dearly. Giving Fennec and him such a close friendship felt like a wonderful way to honor my favorite pet :> He was a holland lop, with big droopy ears, brown fur and black markings, which are traits directly translated to the 3D model version of him! He was also incredibly fearless so it works well!

Queen the Fennec's design In the narrative of her game, Queen the Fennec and Dusty willingly aligned themselves with Eggman, which is different from all my other Vtuber models so far, who all either act from a sense of right, or are unbiased. As such, I wanted her to look a little more antagonistic. She wears a black dress, her gauntlets are made by Eggman and have an appropriate coloration that's not as Fun And Quirky as, say Gauntlet Queen's pink and white gauntlets. Her eyes are also a bit sinister (though not to the point of looking truly evil.) Also, she has a cool scar above her right eye! This helps cement her as an Edgy, Dangerous Rival Character which is a Sonic series staple. it's also because I have a scar above my right eye in real life, all the queens are caricatures of me after all :> I offset all this Dark and Moody stuff by making her a pathetic little mew mew though so it's okay 👍

[wispythreads]

Fallout Series Positives:

Pretty faithful to the look and feel of Fallout, whether we're going BIG with technology and creatures, or small with food and tools

First episode an absolutely stellar introduction, got me hooked to the plot, got me invested in the characters, absolutely trashed my emotions and made me cry twice, first at the very beginning then again more towards the end

That Fallout branded mix of goofy, corny humor and absolutely sobering scenes of either how terrifying or deeply sad the world is

Action Sequences that either feel completely accurate to the standard game or like someone has Bloody Mess active.

Our main Vault Dweller is exactly how I felt first experiencing these games and it has been lovely watching her progression from sheltered/slightly off socialization to adapting to the surface while still maintaining the root of her core values

The Ghoul is a terrifying badass that is very entertaining to watch and whose experience with the world feels on par with how I approach the games now

Maximus clearly is on the road to being disillusioned with the Brotherhood and slowly becoming a better person, it is taking him time and effort and the journey is not yet over

Not sure if this would be a positive for everyone but watching the Knight go from intimidating figure to "I'm bored and want to shoot something." "*Sees creepy cave that clearly has something dangerous AND something they need in it* Fuck." "(uses companion as convenient meat shield/danger scout)" "*Is in fucking power armor but as soon as he is faced with something terrifying in nature and it is not going his way:* (running) fuck fuck fuck fuck" as much as he was an asshole it was hilarious seeing a representation of a True GamerTM experience.

I missed the more rotten ghouls of earlier games and so was pleasantly surprised by the inclusion of other ghouls that followed their design rules more than 4's raisin ghouls. Robert and Martha were devastating.

Some pretty good Vault horror honestly

A character's actions that were kind a messed up in a way that was clearly framed as comedic has SHARPLY turned sinister due to stuff that gets revealed at the very end and makes me very excited to see what more of their deal is the next time we see them.

Fallout Series ehhhs... (Will be containing spoilers):

Personal ehhhs:

Putting this ehhhh at the top because it's a very personal one that might be shared or might be different for other people, but a lot of the sexual things that cropped up (and for the most part seemed like they were meant to humorous? To get a laugh?) just really weren't doing it for me at best and making me deeply uncomfortable at worst. Would love a version with them cut. It does feel in line with a small part of Fallout 2's humor though so again mainly a personal ehhhh rather than disparaging the show for it.

This one might just be because I'm asexual but the romance between Maximus and Lucy feels forced? Allosexuals please advise, is it normal for infatuation to strike that fast and hold weight for so long after? I don't mind the two together, looking at their individual characters I do think that it could work, its just it feels off when the story is very clear about the intention that these two will end up together immediately upon them meeting. Again, I don't hate romance subplots in theory, it's just, in general, when they show up like this where it feels like it was tacked on in order to check a box, rather than fully explored into how that would develop, that kind of just bothers me.

As a small branch to that last one, if it is forced than it feels kind of bad that a lot of the positive developments of Maximus's character seem to only occur because of his crush on Lucy. Him wanting to help Lucy because he earnestly does want to follow the one value of the Brotherhood he's internalized, being a pillar of Justice for the wasteland, and her being a Vault Dweller following the Golden Rule clearly paints her as an innocent needing assistance and justice, well, that's all well and good, but her being able to influence his decisions because he doesn't want her to think bad of him in a romantic sense, if I'm reading that right... don't like it. Not to say that his character growth completely involves Lucy! His disillusionment with the Brotherhood happens without her, and he has positive growth with Thaddeus as well, it just seems like its easier for him to take steps back from his personal growth when she's not in the picture.

Production ehhhs:

some of the scenes had backgrounds that looked a little bit too much like they were taken straight from the game, with the actors in the foreground kind of visibly sticking out from them. I'm not sure if this is because they were using green screens for certain shots or what other explanation there might be for it. If it is green screens though... Amazon you cannot pull the wool over my eyes and claim that you did not have the funds to build actual sets for this tv show.

The initial introduction for CX404 was absolutely great and I was excited with how some frames seemed to emphasize her own perspective of what was going on around her and this one man that's cared for her since she was a pup, but any shots involving her after seem kind of weird with how they're cut and the perspective shots seemed to get dropped. Maybe I'm just spoiled with how well the shots were done with Jed in the Thing, and the perspective thing being dropped is really just a personal disappointment than anything wrong with the show, but, it's my blog so I'm gonna admit I'm disappointed that potential wasn't explored.

This one is kind of a true "ehhh," it's really all I can think to describe this thought when I remember John Boyega's role as Finn and watch this film. It feels off that, in this 3 protagonist cast, Aaron Moten and John Boyega both are in the role of a character whose background is coming from a deeply oppressive regime he's been brainwashed by since he was a child, and whose main soldiers are unilaterally recognized by the masked armor they wear. I do really like the archetypes they chose for the 3 protagonist cast! Pure of Heart Vault Dweller/Indoctrinated Brotherhood Scribe/Disillusioned Pre-War Ghoul, just... Thinking on the fact Aaron got the brotherhood role. Maybe this was done purposefully for a positive reason, but right now fresh off the show without digging into director/cast interviews that maybe explore this specifically it just. ehhh.

As much as I loved the horror set up for Vault 33 the span of time that goes between Norm and Chet discovering that and the next bit of investigation Norm does on the subject is. Incredibly long??? Brother clearly seems very resourceful and good at finding information, but with how the episodes are cut and framed it feels like a great amount of time goes by before he next tries to dig up anything on what happened to 33/why they were trying to get into Vault 31. I don't know man maybe this is because it's easier to do in a video game but I feel like if I found a bunch of corpses that wrote with their own blood how a discovered deception drove them to madness and were frozen in various states of doing whatever they conceivably could to break into a neighboring vault because of said discovery I think I would. Not sleep until I figured out just what was going on???

Lore ehhhs:

Same problem that usually occurs when Bethesda is at the seat of Worldbuilding. Philly might've fit ok in the West Coast back in Fallout 1 and 2 but it feels weird seeing a settlement like this 100 years in the future. 100 years ago for us was 1924, to kind of help put it into perspective. Having this all handwaved and explained as: "Well of course everyone's acting as if no progress was made since 100 years ago! Nukes were dropped on the NCR/Shady Sands and set them back to square one just recently!" Really isn't... good enough for me.

I've been away from the lore for a while so a lot of what I remember is vague rather than detailed, but I am getting the impression that Bethesda is making a bunch of tweaks to the history that was already set up by previous games and. I mean just honestly speaking I really don't trust their interpretations (to put it generously) of Fallout 1, 2, and even New Vegas's established lore. (EDIT: Oh no yeah I was definitely right they've straight up changed a lot and where they haven't made changes per say they have made choices for this present space of time that makes events in the first games kind of impossible)

The vials the Ghoul is reliant on. I've been generous with interpreting them as something that was recently invented, and used by ghouls who, at varying lengths of age, start showing signs of going feral. If the way the show seems to be framing them is true, that they are instead supposed to be things that have always existed and quietly used by ghouls to prevent every single one of them from going feral in the background of the games, then. No that is awful try again Bethesda. You cannot get me onboard with something like that, especially when it would've presented a really interesting quest opportunity AGES ago if true.

Character/Story ehhhs:

The amount of times something absolutely horrible happened that could've been prevented by something as simple as a character speaking up instead of just being set dropping is. Not small and pretty annoying. Miscommunication is pretty bad too. It's like watching a shitty romcom that knows the only way the scene will progress the way they want is if miscommunication happens but don't take the time to have that miscommunication occur in a believable way.

There is something very disjointed with our look at Cooper in the first episode vs. where he's ended up. The last shot we have of him is riding with his daughter as the bombs dropped, presumably trying in vain to put distance between them and the bombs/find shelter. His wife/her mother seems out of the picture at this point in time. But the Ghoul asks Lucy's dad where his family is, indicating that at some point between the bombs dropping his daughter ended up with his wife and he was separated from both of them. The only thing I can think of is that he somehow made it to his wife even though they were incredibly far from where ever she could possibly be with the Fallout quickly encroaching at their heels, and she took the daughter in a way that somehow kept Cooper from following/knowing their end destination and left him to succumb to the said encroaching Fallout. But, again, thinking about that very last shot of Cooper in the first episode, that feels really contrived and kind of implausible? If not impossible. Maybe they'll pull off an explanation that has me feeling less grumpy about it, though, who knows.

So okay hang on a minute. The overseer (look I forgot his name I'm sorry) was upset that his wife left the vault and took their two kids with her. The only possible way he could've thought to get his kids back was to nuke Shady Sands??? And he somehow had access to resources that would allow him to do that??? When he's been in the Vault and either entirely was frozen until recently or has periodically been put into and taken out of the freezer for 200 years??? The kids survived that/are not noticeably harmed by this experience???? The Brotherhood are somehow involved??? (I mean I can't think of any other reason why a knight was present as Little!Maximus stepped out and witnessed the devastation around him, they mostly stay in hiding on the West Coast by this point and for all they're so-called values they really aren't ever inclined to help out people in desperate need of it, so whatever they were doing it wasn't anything "good". Unless Bethesda is thinking of tweaking this aspect of their history as well which. It's not impossible unfortunately, considering they keep doing that/have already made changes in the show so far)

Don't get me started on Moldaver. I'm really disappointed we did not end this season with some kind of conversation between her and the Ghoul that would've given us any actual concrete information about her specifically that we weren't already shown by flashbacks and side characters talking about her. She is alive and looks exactly as she did 200 years ago. She doesn't appear to be a ghoul, as one from 200 years ago is obvious in appearance, it doesn't seem right that she would've been in cryostasis until recently, as she was clearly around when Lucy was a small child with barely developing memories and she, again, still looks EXACTLY the way she did before the bombs dropped. No explanation is given for this. I have a theory that she might be some kind of Phoenix-style new mutant that comes back to life no matter how many times she dies and so might not actually be dead, but that's relying a little (VERY) heavily on her Flame Mother epithet and again me being baffled that they killed the season antagonist when she seemed incredibly important to multiple characters and there's still so much mystery surrounding her. If I'm right that cryostasis is not the explanation for her still being alive and she's just been in the wasteland for 200 years, why has she only coordinated an attempt to get her research back now? How did she convince an Enclave Scientist of all people (granted, one who clearly has a soft spot) to get that research for her AND have it transported instead of kept for the Enclave? Why wait to go after the overseer at least a decade after the bombing and the murder of Rose? Why rely on raider help when she seems to be such a huge deal that she could've relied on better armed/more intelligent help? Why massacre a bunch of innocent people people who weren't in anyway involved with what happened to Shady Sands? Why not just wait until the cover of darkness, the newly wedded wife and all the other vault residents deeply sleeping, and whisk the overseer away then? Why put the two children that Rose clearly cared deeply for at risk? The raid of 32 was our kicker into this series, was incredibly interesting and investing, but now it just. Doesn't make any sense since we've learned who Moldaver actually is.

The reveal of the Vault 31-32-33 experiment and what was in Vault 31 was. Ok. Kind of deflating, honestly, considering how much was built up around it in Vault 33. Not to say that the experiment isn't still completely fucked up but. I don't know it doesn't seem as bad as to result in that kind of reaction that happened in 33. Maybe there is more to discover, though.

Actually no wait hold on. How did the raid in 32 even happen??? Bud is overseeing everything that happens in each vault, and the overseer (and possible any other originally vault 31 residents) of 33 had been dead for a long, LONG while before the raiders showed up. Bud didn't notice Vault 33 died?? If he did, this information wasn't passed on to the overseer of 32?? There was no suspicion on either Bud or the overseer's side that 33 has been quiet for so, again, VERY long, and no one investigated?? Bud didn't clock that the door had been opened by Rose, who was dead for at least a decade by this point?? The overseer wasn't suspicious AT ALL that he didn't recognize any of these supposed Vault 33 residents, especially considering the long silence beforehand??? This is an incredibly huge failure of management hoo boy. (The one, again, very generous interpretation I could give this is that the overseer did recognize Moldaver and her name, but only vaguely, fuzzily, which he chocked up as him not paying attention well enough to remember someone who must've been skilled enough in management to be made overseer. That doesn't explain the raiders with her. That doesn't explain the fact that somehow someone he knows is not from Vault 31 was made overseer when the last 33 overseer perished. Like we see that there were backup 31 vault dweller's hanging around 32, why wouldn't the same be true for 33 based off everything we've learned so far???)

[undermine-the-instinct]

eyo! another one that loves your bard series, but, similarly to that other anon from a while back, the reader is really more of an oc. i like their backstory, but i have seen some instances of exclusive tidbits about them that i wanna point out.

no shame to you, i'm not trying to be malicious here, just want to make a great series even better, so, you're free to take or leave my advice(?)/critiques-

there are really only 3.5 things i'd mention here, 2 and a half of which aren't really that big of a deal (to me,)

implications of reader's size (smaller than average)

like, 2-3 times that reader was described as red (in reference to skin)

there's also a couple of bits ab reader's hair that are not exactly fully inclusive, but i feel like they're vague enough? i felt like i should mention it though, so

repeated implications that reader is spanish(natlan)/german(mondstadt??). yeah you could see reader as adopted, but ?

ye. so, sorry again if this upsets you in any way. i think you can understand why i would bring this up tho. otherwise, practically perfect series that i'm excited to read more of!! your writing is beautiful btw.

Oh no, this doesn't upset me in any way! Thank you for bringing this up, and the other anon too, for bringing this to my attention!

See, before I really started writing I read a lot of fanfic with reader inserts who were more like oc's. I liked putting myself in those sorts of shoes so I guess it's affected my writing some...? Not everyone shares the same desires for these kinda reader inserts though so I should've clarified things.

I think our bard has a bit too much character to not be an OC now, but would people like it if I go and fix these sorta 'inconsistencies'? I'll put an official disclaimer in the fics and full masterlist from now on, I just might need a little help pointing out the past slip ups though, since its literally like 15K words I have in this series already.

Alright, I think tha covers it! Thank you for reading my story hun, and thank you for complimenting my writing! I'd give kiss if i could, but here ⚘️. And even if our bard isn't really reader insert I hope you stick around for the rest of their adventure!

[braillemusic]

Unveiling the Beauty: Learning the Braille Piano

Introduction

In the vast world of musical virtuosity, the Braille piano serves as a testament to creativity and inclusivity. Mainly designed for visually impaired individuals, the braille piano is not only an instrument but also a gateway to an enriched auditory experience.

This investigation delves into the intricate practice of learning the Braille Piano, a challenging endeavor that converts tactile engagement into a musical language of expression and communication.

What is a Braille Piano?

The Braille Piano is an instrument created specifically to blend Braille notations directly onto piano keys for individuals with visual impairments. It provides a means of learning, playing, and enjoying music for people who are visually impaired, making it accessible to all. What makes this instrument unique is its integration of Braille notations directly onto piano keys - something no other instrument offers.

Learning Touch

Braille notations have been integrated into piano keys to offer musicians a novel approach to reading and interpreting music through touch. This revolutionary design fosters an intimate connection between the pianist's fingers and their instrument, turning the learning experience into an exciting sensory journey of discovery.

Break the Barriers

Learning Braille Piano goes beyond developing new skills; it's about breaking down barriers and increasing inclusivity within music. The instrument offers individuals with visual impairments a means of creative expression while connecting with others through its universal language of music. Also, this experience celebrates diversity within musical cultures by showing us all what rich perspectives contribute to an art form like piano playing.

Joy of Creating Music

At its heart, learning the Braille Piano offers the joy of creating music independently for visually impaired people. When fingers move across keys to interpret Braille notations and create music independently, a symphony begins to unfold. Slowly, it becomes a tool of self-expression as musicians use this instrument to convey emotions or tell their stories through music.

More than just an instrument, the Braille Piano provides individuals with a means through which they can share their unique voices with the world.

Embarking on the Future

In a world that constantly evolves, the Braille Piano represents a step toward creating a more inclusive and accessible future by breaking down traditional barriers of who can be considered musicians and opening doors for those who may have felt left out from musical conversations previously. Hence, the Braille Piano means celebrating diversity, creativity, and the beauty that arises when barriers are broken down together.

Conclusion

As we experience the magic of learning the Braille Piano, it becomes apparent that this instrument represents much more than simply keys and notations. It stands as a testament to music's power to transcend physical barriers. So, let us celebrate this harmonious union between touch and sound as we continue discovering its brilliance together!

Are you curious to explore various aspects of a braille piano? At Braille Music and More, we believe in the transformative power of music for everyone.

Discover the joy of learning the Braille Piano and embark on a musical journey that transcends boundaries. Visit our website and join our welcoming musical community today!

[cypressnmarigolds]

Lesson Learned (Jason Voorhees) xGN! Reader

Minors, feel free to leave

Wow, here I am! My first ever fanfiction. Well, if you can call it that, it’s really more a self indulgent smut scenario with only enough plot to drive what happens. Regardless, I am excited. I had a great time writing this and will definitely be doing this scenario with other slashers.

Keep in mind that though I did my best to write the reader as gender neutral and racially ambiguous, I am an AFAB white person, so the reader may read as AFAB and white. If you see anything that could be corrected to make this more inclusive for everyone, please reach out in the comments or via direct messaging, and be civil and polite about it.

TW for: self deprecation from the reader.

Contains: Consensual spanking.  Fingering. A loving, confident, yet bashful Jason. Jason using ASL.

@slutforguts @sinfulwrites Thank you for your help in fleshing out my headcanons so I could get comfortable writing for Jason!

@slasherlouvre @frenziedslashers @moon-of-desire @early20sfailingplenty I don’t know if any of you are even interested in reading this, but I think you’re all cool so I wanted to share this with you. Don’t feel any pressure to read if this isn’t your thing.

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         You sat in the living area of the old cabin. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for you by far. You used to dream about this life on occasion. A little cabin out in the woods, off the grid for the most part, able to really see the blanket of the galaxy around you on a clear night. It was hard work to make things comfortable for yourself, but it felt right, it felt like home. Of course it wouldn’t quite be home without your partner. You hadn’t imagined upon meeting the Jason Voorhees you’d heard rumor about in Crystal Lake Township that you’d end up loving him, and him you in return, but you were so glad you did, you couldn’t be happier. Well, for the most part anyhow. “Oh for God’s sake.” You muttered aloud.

         You were in the middle of attempting to mend one of your favorite shirts, only you just couldn’t seem to get it right enough to make any progress. Jason was out checking traps around the camp property, he’d been gone since before you’d woken a little over an hour ago and you didn’t know when you could expect him back; you were grateful for it as your frustration mounted. You’d made a trip into the township yesterday and Jason always seemed anxious in the days before after you’d made the monthly trips. You just didn’t want him to see you struggling and cause him further distress. It was going to be an off day for you, you could tell as soon as you’d woken, before you’d even opened your eyes. The timing wasn’t great, but you’d manage to work through it somehow, you always had and today would be no different. It would be nice if your brain didn’t make things hard for you for no good reason though.

         Setting the shirt down on the coffee table in front of you, you groaned as you stretched. You sighed deeply to yourself in an attempt to ease the mounting tension in your mind and body. “That’s enough of that for now.” You made your way over to the small kitchenette to prepare a hot drink to sip while sitting in one of the chairs outside the front door to enjoy the late spring air and settle yourself before Jason returned. You reached for a tattered ASL book on the counter to occupy yourself while waiting for the water to heat in the kettle perched on the old gas stove. Jason had found it in the belongings of an intruder a while back and was studying it to make communication between you easier.

         The kettle began to whistle, and you set the book down. As you turned back toward the stove, your elbow caught the handle of the kettle and sent it crashing to the floor, lid flying off and spilling hot water everywhere. You stared a moment, watching as steaming water began to seep into the rug in front of the sink and made its way under the stove. All desire to try and rectify the day vanished as a numbing weariness settled over you and your eyes and nose grew hot. You slapped a hand over your eyes and the self berating began.

         “God, you idiot. What is wrong with you? You can’t mend a shirt and you can’t boil water without destroying the kitchen, you absolute idiot!.” You knew better than to talk to yourself like that, really. Foolishly however, in your moment of weakness, you decided that allowing yourself this indulgence in a bad habit would release the building pressure of your dejected mood. To the surprise of nobody, it did the exact opposite. Tears welled hot in your eyes and you didn’t bother trying to hold them back. You grabbed some towels from under the sink and got down to begin soaking up the water. “Stupid, stupid, stupid. Idiot!” You allowed the self berating to continue, no longer caring of the consequences. That was, you heard the main door to the cabin open. The intensity of your small breakdown drained from you as Jason’s boots came tear-blurred into your vision and you cursed yourself in your head at having been caught in the middle of your little moment. The last thing you’d wanted was to worry him, and here you were on the floor crying in front of him immediately upon his return home.

         Deciding not to dwell on the matter, you looked up at Jason to begin explaining the situation. Wiping at your eyes and blinking, you felt confused as you noticed his posture. He looked upset, but not worried, more… annoyed, disappointed? As you faced him fully he drew himself up, his posture projecting authority and anger. You knew he wasn’t trying to intimidate you or come across as threatening, he often projected his mood and thoughts through body language as a form of communication to supplement the considerably small amount of ASL he knew, as his facial expressions were unreadable due to him rarely taking off his mask. “Hi Jay, I just knocked over the kettle and made a mess. Is something wrong?” He huffed and lifted his right hand to his head and brought it away as he began to sign. “Why were you talking like that?”  After a second, you felt heat flare in your face and tension rise in your neck and shoulders at his question. How had he heard you? Your eyes shifted to the open window above the sink, near where you were currently seated. Realization set in, and you felt your heart drop even further. It seemed the day would get harder before it got easier.

         It wasn’t the first time Jason had approached you over how you spoke to and of yourself, but he had quickly made it clear he didn’t want it to continue. The first time he had chastised you for your bad habit, you learned through his choppy signing and your yes/no questions that he knew firsthand how much worse the habit made things when you were already feeling like dirt. It was then, too, that you had learned the truth about his childhood and what had happened to him.

         Gaze turning back towards Jason, your eyes met his, and you knew it would only make you both feel worse if you played dumb. “I… I don’t know.” You said, gaze fixed on the floor as shame flooded your system and curled your shoulders inwards. “Today’s just been… hard I guess. I woke up feeling off and it just feels like I can’t do anything right. I’m so frustrated with myself!” Your voice raised at the end of your explanation as frustration flooded you once more, then vanished like smoke as you breathed a deep sigh that betrayed your bone-deep weariness to Jason. “I’m sorry, I know we’ve talked about this. I know it bothers you, and I know why. I’m trying. It’s just so hard to stop myself sometimes.” You felt yourself tearing up again and wiped at your eyes as you got up from the floor and looked back at him. He seemed to deflate slightly in understanding, and you heard a small sigh wisp through the holes in his mask. As you stepped towards him, his arms opened up; you stepped into them and brought your arms around him in turn, beginning to cry once more.

         As you stood there, time seemed to pause as you allowed yourself to lean into him and release everything that had been building up over the last few hours. After a while your crying subsided and your breathing slowed as you calmed. After another minute you felt Jason grasp your shoulders softly as he stepped back and looked at you. He seemed lost in thought for a few moments, as if trying to figure out what to do next. “I want to help you.” He said, tilting his head in question. “Let me?” “How?” you asked, unsure what he could possibly do to help you with the matter. He reached for your hand and you placed yours into his gloved one; leading you towards the couch, he sat down. Tilting his head again he brought his hands up and asked “You trust me?” Lips curling in a small smile, you felt yourself soften, melt. “Of course I do, sweetheart. Always.”

         Jason then reached for you and pulled you sideways into his lap. He pressed the mouth of his mask against your temple in a sweet kiss that had you glowing instantly. He grabbed a worn pillow resting against the arm of the couch and brought it to lay flat on the cushion next to him. Then, confusion formed, quickly joined by shock as he gently shifted you to lay face-down across his lap. Head turning to look at him wide-eyed, you brought your arms to the side of the pillow and gripped it as anxiety began to bloom. “Jason?” He was looking back at you, one of his hands resting on the back of your thigh, and he tilted his head once more. “Trust me?” You had a hard time getting your mouth to cooperate with your mind. “Y-yeah? Yes. But…” Looking away, you felt your face heat and you pressed your knees together nervously. Somehow you managed to look back at him as you asked, “Are… are you going to spank me?” Jason nodded, and brought his other hand from his side to ask “OK?” “Okay…” you breathed.

          Jason brought one hand to your back and stroked up and down soothingly as his other hand began to move your bottoms out of the way, leaving your underwear in place. Internally, you were freaking out. You had a thing for being spanked, and from the conversations you’d had with Jason, and your very slow exploration of physical intimacy, you knew he had no idea the effect he was about to have on you. You just hoped you’d be able to make it through without letting on how turned on you’d inevitably become. You were surprised he even felt comfortable with the idea of spanking you, even though you knew he came from a time where it was strictly used as a means to punish or teach a lesson.

         He kept one hand on your back as he brought the other to rest on your rear, and you felt your heart jump to your throat as you felt it leave you. *CRACK* You jumped, gasping loudly as his hand came flying across your right cheek. You knew he wasn’t using his full strength, but he wasn’t holding back as much as you thought he would either. Biting your lip, you squeezed your eyes shut. It stung so good. So lost in thought and sensation were you that you’d only just registered that his hand had retreated again just as he’d brought it back, this time on your left cheek. *CRACK* You groaned in the back of your throat. You could feel heat rising between your legs, arousal seeming to pulse there like a heartbeat. Jason paused and your heart seemed to skip a beat.

         Looking back at him, he was leaning towards your face, head tilted as though checking in with you. “I’m-” You had to swallow. “I’m okay”. He looked more pointedly at you and asked “Why?” “W-why? Why what?” *CRACK* Back to the right. Another gasp left your mouth, he was still staring at you, expecting an answer of some sort. You rattled your brain, trying to figure out what he wanted. “Why… am I being spanked?” You asked hopefully. Jason nodded. You looked away, fearing your face would start to betray your arousal. “Be-because… Ah~!” The left again. “Because I was being mean to myself. I was talking bad to myself.” Looking back at Jason, he nodded. He tilted his head in question as he raised his hand again, he must have wanted you to continue. “And– Ah~! I know I shouldn’t, I know– oh~ you don’t like it, and I know it hu-urts me!”

          It was starting to move beyond a pleasant sting, into steady burn, but still you could feel wetness seeping into your underwear, you hoped he’d be done soon; you didn’t know how long you’d be able to hide your state. You were surprised your gasps and moans hadn’t already given you away. *CRACK* Your head dropped to the pillow, and you felt Jason soothing his hands over your rear again. As heat continued to grow and pulse between your legs, it began blooming in your chest as well.  Something about the situation, how he was caring for you both in spite of and with his punishment, was making you feel so loved, and the thought brought tears to your eyes. His hand on your back began stroking again, and you lifted your head back up to meet his gaze. He gave pause at the sight of your teary eyes and you were quick to reassure him. “I’m alright, thank you Jay.” You smiled at him, and he nodded. He went back to work, laying smack after smack on your backside, alternating cheeks. Your head dropped again. Oh God… you thought.  He’s so good at this. So strong and confident… You weren't helping your predicament.

         You were really beginning to struggle now, having to fight the urge to grind and wiggle on his lap on instinct, having to fight to keep your sounds from becoming too lewd and giving you away. Luckily, after a few more strikes he stopped and after a couple more soothing strokes to your (now admittedly sore) ass, he pulled your bottoms back up and moved the hand on your back to your face, turning it so you were facing him. He began to sign. “Done. Promise me you’ll stop.” Taking a deep breath to try to steady your voice, you nodded. “I promise Jason, I won’t do it again.” He brought the mouth of his mask to your temple again and held it there for a moment. Your eyes closed and you sighed, feeling so worked up and yet so content and relaxed. He pulled away and helped you to sit straddling his lap. You draped your arms over his shoulders and tucked your face into his neck, sighing deeply and breathing in his scent. He wrapped his arms around you and cupped a hand to the back of your head, resting his against your own. Both of you remained leaning into one another for a bit, basking in the moment.

         You were broken out of your bubble of contentment by the wetness between your legs. Groaning, you pushed your face more forcefully into Jason’s neck, squeezing your legs and arms around him tighter as you clenched involuntarily. Jason pulled back at the sound and tilted his head. “Uh… yeah I‘m okay. It’s just… uh…” You looked away, embarrassed. You had no idea how to explain to him that his spanking had turned you on, or how he’d react. But you were so worked up, it felt like almost all your focus was on the heat and tingling between your legs. You felt it was best to just bite the bullet and be honest with him.

         “I have to tell you something.” He stared, waiting for you to continue. “Um… I-I like getting spanked.” His head tilted to the side, you saw his eyelids shift as he furrowed his brow behind the mask. He didn’t understand. You liked it? Did you think it was fun, like a game? Sensing his confusion, you continued. “When I say that, I mean I really like it. It… it gets me worked up.” You shifted further into his lap squeezing your thighs around his as you ground your crotches together to try and get your point across. A few seconds passed, then his eyes widened behind the mask and his head jerked back slightly as understanding dawned on him. It was his turn to be bashful, he looked away and you felt his hands clenching and unclenching anxiously against your head. “I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I didn’t want to stop you. I know you were trying to help, and I think you did. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this. I felt so loved and cared for, knowing you wanted to help me so much, I just… get excited too. Something about it just feels good, even though it hurts a bit, especially because I felt so safe with you. Does that make sense?” He didn’t respond for a bit, then slowly nodded. He understood what you were saying, he just didn’t quite get how someone could find getting a spanking enjoyable. Knowing you felt good and that he’d succeeded in getting his point across though, he was happy, if flustered. Leaning into him you quietly muttered “I love you Jason, thank you so much.” and kissed him. He brought both of his hands up to cup your head, petting your hair and leaning into your kiss.

         Pulling away, you looked him in the eyes, smiling and ground into him again. “Will you touch me please? I feel so needy for you.” He fidgeted slightly and looked anywhere but at you. “If not, that’s okay Jason I can take care of it myself if you don’t feel comfortable right now.” You assured him. You were sure he wasn’t expecting this when he’d thought of his little lesson; he seemed to be very worked up over the idea that he’d done something that had turned you on so much. Usually when you two would come together, it was just timing, you both feeling sentimental and affectionate and in the mood to express it physically. Now though? He’d inadvertently aroused you and turned you into a squirming needy mess. Your suggestion to take matters into your own hands, however, was apparently unacceptable; his head shot back to you and he made eye contact as he shook his head somewhat frantically, hands squeezing your arms and looking at you with some determination.

         The next thing you knew, you were being turned around with your back to him. He used his thick, strong thighs to open your own, situating them outside his, it was a bit of a stretch on your hips, but it felt so good, so right for him to open you like this on his lap. You leaned back against him and put your head on his shoulder, turning your head to place a kiss on his jaw, just on the edge of his mask. “Thank you…” you breathed in his ear, and you felt a shiver pass through him. Now that he had you where he wanted you, he seemed to grow bashful again, you’d always touched each other late at night, under the covers of both darkness and the sheets of your shared bed. Now though, you were in the middle of the living area, on the couch, with light streaming in through the few windows in the room. Even though there was nobody to see you but yourselves, it felt different, exposed. It excited you, but Jason seemed to need encouragement to continue.

         Taking his hands in yours, you brought one to wrap around you, and the other to the pulsing warmth between your legs. “It’s okay Jason, it’s just us. You know what I like. You always take good care of me, in every way.” At that, he seemed to come back into the moment and he turned to face you and pressed his forehead against yours as he began to move the hand between your thighs.

          He started slow, with a gentle but firm pressure, letting you get warmed up to his touch through your clothes. Up and down at a languid pace, he rubbed the length of you, alternating between his fingertips and the heel of his palm and you couldn’t help but to slowly start rolling your hips to meet his pace. “Please.” You murmured after a minute “I need more. Please?” You knew you didn’t have to beg, but you were needy, and you wanted Jason to know how much he affected you. He leaned his head against yours, and began undoing your bottoms. Once everything was out of the way, he got to work.

          Bringing just his fingertips to you, he began stroking up and down again, using some of the wetness you'd leaked to help his fingers along. His touch was so light, reverent, and if you didn’t know better, you think he was teasing. You let a small whine leave you, bucking your hips to try to get more pressure. An arm came up and clamped around your hips, holding you still. You dropped your head back onto his shoulder and let out a breathy sigh towards the ceiling and you felt his head nuzzle into your neck as he began to gently stroke over your entrance. You reached out a hand to pause him. “Hold on.”

         Reaching towards a small drawer built into the coffee table in front of you, you retrieved a small packet of lube. You’d picked a box up on one of your trips into town and feeling giddy and a bit silly, you’d put a few in the small drawer. ‘Just in case’ you’d told yourself, and you were glad you did. Jason looked nothing short of gobsmacked to see what you were holding, you giggled and settled back into him. “All of you is so big, I can’t be too careful.” He ducked his face into your neck and you imagined you could feel his face heat through the mask.

         While he was busy hiding, you opened the packet and coated your fingertips, then brought your hand between your thighs and began to touch yourself. Your gasp turned to a moan as the cool lube made contact with your warm hole, and you began circling it and dipping your fingers inside. Upon hearing this, Jason raised his head a bit and watched you. He had never seen you touch yourself other than to bring yourself to completion while he was inside you. He was transfixed. Slowly, as if dazed, he reached to gently pull your fingers from you and you whined again. He soothed you with another press of his mask to your cheek.

         Finally, he began to ease a finger into you and you sighed, eyes closed and the corners of your mouth curved up in satisfaction at finally having something thicker in you. He circled his finger in you, stretching you out and spreading the lube. You clenched, mouth dropping open soundlessly as he brushed  against your sensitive spot. Again and again he pressed into it in slow, sweeping passes until your hips began to rock again. As he pulled his finger out, you groaned at the loss but were quick to plant a grateful kiss to his masked cheek , murmuring to him how good he was doing. Spurred on further by your encouragement, he then brought two fingers to your entrance and slowly seated them inside. Once you’d had a moment to adjust, he crooked his fingers upwards, and you moaned loudly. “Oh, right there, there you go!” You felt tension building up inside your abdomen as he repeatedly stroked and pressed into that spot. You grabbed his other hand and brought it just above the other and looked at him through pleasure-lidded eyes. “Touch me, please, make me cum.”

         As his other hand began to move, rubbing and stroking over you, you began to outright pant. It always felt so much more intense to cum without laying a hand on yourself, the fingers of one of his hands or his cock working inside you while the other one stroked and rubbed the rest of you. You kept grabbing at anything and everything in reach as you felt your pleasure mounting, unsure what you wanted or needed to ground yourself to prepare for what was surely going to be an earth-shattering orgasm. Whipping your head to look at him, you barely managed to form the words to ask “Jason, will you… hah… please kiss me? For re-real?” You began to shake as he nodded and you brought a hand to his mask, sliding it up just enough to expose his mouth. You nearly slammed your mouths together and practically wailed into him as your orgasm crashed over you, coating his hand in your release. He kept thrusting his fingers in and out for a few moments to ease you through it, and when you finally went limp against him he stopped and slowly brought his hands away. After wiping them on a tissue from the coffee table, he grabbed another one and cleaned you up as well.

         Cleanup done, he shifted your legs closed and opened his own to allow you to sink between them and give your sore hips and ass a break from his thick legs and rough pants. He massaged your thighs as your breathing evened out. Your eyes met his and you placed a quick, sweet kiss to his masked mouth. “Thank you Jason, so much. You’re so good to me.” Shifting your ass a bit, you felt he was half hard. “Do you want help with this sweetie?” He shook his head no and you nodded “Alright.” and kissed him again. He didn’t always want to be touched himself when you two got physical, you two had talked as much as you could manage about it and you understood. He just didn’t have the highest libido, he was always willing and happy to bring you pleasure though. You stretched your arms and stood to grab your bottoms from the floor. After quickly redressing, you settled back into his lap and sighed contentedly. Today would be okay.

[buckybarnesdiaries]

secrets

© credits to the author, i found it on pinterest. if you are the author, please send me a message to add your @.

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

request made by @homesicam: hi maria!! can I have prompt 15, feels mysterious and all and god bless bucky's soul (ofc) !! and thank you so much for your work !! ❤️

prompt: “Will be our secret”.

word count: 1.165 words.

warnings/tags: none. bucky feeling like a lost puppy trying to fit in.

author notes: none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

Like every time you came back from a mission, where you needed a little calm, you waited for the small hours to hit the clock. Walking out from your dorm, you led your feet through the hallways to downstairs. Crossing the huge large living room, you stepped to the back garden of the compound. As soon as you took off your house slippers, you continued along the grass, feeling the strands of grass beneath your toes tickling you. The sky was covered by shining stars all around and for a split second your mind went blank. There wasn’t any horror, any danger, any pain. The wounds and the scratches in your face and arms went to the background, as you closed your eyes to breathe the soft breeze fluttering your hair. You felt free.

Taking a seat on the grass, you put your knees against your chest and wrapped them with both arms. Sometimes you used to think about what made you so special to be part of the Avengers. You weren’t like Natasha, a professional spy. You weren’t like Tony, a genius. And of course, you weren’t a god, nor a witch, nor a supersoldier. Not even just a soldier like Sam. Of course, they were more than those skills. You were just an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. that survived its destruction and falling. It was inevitable to feel small when you joined them in their missions. Even so, it was better if any of them heard you talk about yourself like that, or they’d end up kicking your ass to be too humble and unfair with yourself and how much you train and work hard every single day. With no excuses.

“A broken heart is all that’s left, I’m still fixing all the cracks. Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home…” Like a defense mechanism against your own hurtful thoughts, you started to sing with your eyes put on a starry night above your head.

A few days ago, you discovered that song and got really obsessed for some reason you didn’t know. It was like picking at the scab, thinking about your parents, about how much you missed them, about what they could be thinking about you. Would they feel proud? Would they feel scared?

“I’m afraid of all I am. My mind feels like a foreign land, silence ringing inside my head. Please, carry me… carry me… carry me home”.

“You sound like my mother”.

Those words raced your heart, more because of the surprise of someone else being there than for the confession. You couldn’t help but jump up from the floor, shaking the strands of grass from your clothes. Bucky was in front of you, a couple of steps away. He had his head slightly tilted to the right, squinting with some kind of confusion running through his mind. You crossed your arms on your chest a little ashamed, rubbing your nose with a side of your hand as you tried to hold back a tear.

Then, you dawn on and your brain reproduced his words again. For you, it meant a shock. You could count with the fingers of both hands the times you had shared a couple of words, maybe a small talk in a meeting before a mission. And you were sure it was the first time you two were alone. Bucky was pretty quiet, even shy you’d dare to say. After all the shit he lived in for many years, the fear of coming back to those dark days was still chasing him. Steve told you that he used to try and speak to anyone, to be normal, to be trusted. But after what he was forced to do, no one really trusted in him. And it wasn’t like you didn’t care about his past, because you’d be lying to yourself, but you were of those kinds of persons who thought that everybody deserves a second chance. If you didn’t give them anything to believe in, how would they be believers?

“Did she…?” You intoned slowly driven by curiosity, now that Bucky seemed interested in starting a conversation either way. But you didn’t want to sound disrespectful.

“She used to sing for my sister and me”. You watched him keep his hands inside the pockets of his sweatpants, coming closer to you as he noticed you weren’t afraid of him.

“My mom did it too”. You replied then, showing him a fleeting smile curving up your lips.

As soon as Bucky witnessed the sweet gesture from you and the way you were continuing the conversation, he felt relaxed. He felt welcomed from the first time he stepped into the compound. You waved a hand towards him, urging him to sit down as you went back to your seat on the grass. He joined you without hesitation, cheered up inside for making a new friend.

You lost track of time talking about everything and anything at the same time. Talking about your families, discovering he had a sister called Rebecca. Talking to you about the old good times where Steve and he were just a couple of punk wreak havoc all around Brooklyn. You couldn’t stop laughing, showing him how excited you were to know more about him and his adventures. You told him about the farm where you used to live and how you built something like a training camp to prepare yourself to join S.H.I.E.L.D. Bucky was fascinated by your determination and perseverance, comparing you to Steve when he wanted to join the army, before being Captain America.

Inevitably, you yawned when the sunset was about to happen, earning a soft nudge from the soldier. “C’mon, you should rest”.

“Yeah, I’m pretty dead… drawbacks of being only human”.

He stood up before you, helping you to get up from the ground. You walked indoors keeping silent, not knowing actually how to say goodbye. It was an awkward situation that barely lasted two seconds.

“Listen, about before… I’d appreciate it if you don’t say anyt—”.

“Sure”. Bucky interrupted you. The gesture of his face suddenly changed to a sad grimace with a feigned smile on his lips. “You don’t have to worry about”.

“Good! Uh… thank you. I bet Stark will bully me about the singing thing all the time. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes”. You couldn’t help but sigh with relief when his blue eyes, placed on his boots, were raised with a special shine on them. There, you understood what he thought about your uncompleted petition. “And about… you know, talking, I wouldn’t mind repeating it anytime else”.

“Only if you sing for me”. Bucky’s voice was like a soft breeze caressing your face, filled with hope and enthusiasm. You tilted your head, narrowing your eyes towards him. “Will be our secret”.

“Okay, deal”. You chuckled nodding. “Good night, Bucky”.

“Good night, (Y/N)”.

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[sugako]

tied with a bow

suna x f!reader cw: 18+ only minors dni, toys (vibrating panties), (secret) toy use in public/exhibitionism, established relationship, slight dubcon (reader doesn't know they're vibrating panties at first) then consent & enthusiasm, slightly jealous suna, edgeing, accidental ruined orgasm (receiving), public sex/in a bathroom, a handful of "good girl"s, unprotected wc: 2.5k a/n: for the #boys&toyscollab from @fallensvint (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ ty for letting me participate this is such a fun collab idea and i had a great time writing it

"I know tonight isn't ideal, but maybe this will help make up for it."

You turn from your place in front of the bathroom mirror, eyebrows lacing in confusion until you look down at the small bag in his hands. It's a pretty shade of red, complete with matching tissue paper that's been carefully tucked around something inside.

"Rintarou, we already-"

"I know, but I felt like you deserved something more." He cut you off, a small smile curling up the corner of his mouth. You could tell from the held-back expression he was dying to laugh.

Considering it was your anniversary, it was fairly suspect. Suna had a crude sense of humor at the worst of times but had gifted you some practical items and a pretty, delicate necklace with a little black gem held in its grasp. Instead of a nice dinner as you had both originally planned, you were being whisked away to an EJP team event.

When he had been told he was contractually obligated you could feel the disappointment wavering off his body for hours. Though you tried to assure him that you truly didn't mind a free dinner and dressing up - although it came at the price of a little press - he still seemed upset until the day before.

Hesitantly, you reached out for the bag. While he noticed your careful reaction, he didn't make any move to comment, simply letting you find out on your own. The gift was easy enough to spot when you riffled through the paper.

"Lingerie?" You questioned, slowly pulling the black lace from the red package. Shoulders relaxing, you felt some comfort realizing it wasn't something to be worried about. At least, not that you knew yet. "It's pretty." You sighed, unfurling the material.

"Thought you would like it. Wear it tonight?" He asks softly. Smiling kindly, you wrap your arms around his thick shoulders and lean to press a kiss to his cheek.

"Yeah, I think it'll be fine with the dress I have picked out, but why…" a big detail catches your eye and you do a double-take back to your hands, "...why are there ties?"

"Oh," he shrugs, feigning innocence, "I think they wanted to be inclusive, just came in one size. No idea."

The next hour moves quickly between the two of you washing up and getting dressed for the night. Although his closet is impressive, Suna can be particular about his outfit selection. He tells you he wants to look good and professional, it's good for his career, but you think he just likes to dress up nicely at any given chance when he's not in the gym.

As time draws near, you're both nearing the door, smoothing any creases and straightening what needs to be. Though, a moment before you can wrap your hand around the door handle, he's grabbing your arm and pulling you back to his chest.

"Did we forget-?"

"No." He cuts you off gruffly, hiking your dress up with the hand not holding you.

"Rintarou, we don't have time!" You squeak out, fumbling to move his hands away.

"We're not doing anything." He mumbles while reaching back to grab something from his jacket pocket. "Just this," he says as slips the little bullet past the band of your panties, neatly placing it in the little pocket you hadn't noticed until now.

"Ri-rint-!"

"I'm surprised you didn't know what these were to begin with." He chuckles, letting you go and pulling out his phone. "I won't turn it on if you don't want me to, you just mentioned wanting to try-"

"Yes." You answer quickly. A little embarrassed with your own fervor your shift, straightening out your dress although it didn't need it. "I mean, uh, yes, as long as no one can hear it. Could be kinda fun."

His lips curl into a tight smile and he taps a few buttons on his phone, eyes shifting between you and the screen. It starts up quick and fast, pressed well enough against your clit to make you clamp your legs together.

"Rin!" You squeak, grabbing his arm to keep your knees from buckling.

"Whoops," he smirks rather unconvincingly, "Hmm, well it is quiet."

The panties are ruined before you even step out of the car to the event. Suna's hand comes down on the small of your back, holding you close before the crowd can sweep you away. Anticipation swelling in your chest you watch him as he pulls out his phone and flips through the apps.

"Ready?" He leans in to ask, voice barely raised above the gentle roar of the crowd.

"Yeah," you force yourself to take a deep breath and let your shoulders relax. "I'll let you know if I really need to stop for whatever reason." You quickly add, already knowing his next question.

"Good girl." He smiles, giving you back a little squeeze before he taps the screen. The vibe comes to life again, the soaked fabric making it even easier for you to feel it. You take a sharp, wavering inhale through your nose.

It's not as strong this time, but between how good Suna looks tonight, the longing touches you've been sharing since you left the house, and the fact that you're surrounded by people at a professional function, it felt just as dizzying. He would tease you endlessly for how you were reacting no matter what, you already knew, but that only added to the appeal.

The night went on smoothly for the most part. Suna came and went from your side when needed - whether to speak to the press, his captain, or grab drinks and food for the two of you. Though your voice didn't sputter and your body didn't tremble as much as you were briefly worried it would, there was still a certain amount of excited trepidation with every step you took and word you spoke.

While you longed for release and the ache drew up between your legs, you could feel that the two of you were close to the end. Suna had stepped away for just a moment leaving you beside Komori while he asked higher-ups if he was good to leave now. He wasn’t an exceptionally jealous or insecure person, and it was an innocent touch, really. But when he watched as you grazed his teammate's arm with the knowledge that you were ruining yourself, it ticked some feral part of his brain.

Stopping in his path toward you, Suna rips the phone from his pocket and clicks open the app once again for the night. The warning at the bottom of the screen telling him the battery was getting low didn’t even reach his eyes before he clicks the settings up to their highest level.

In the midst of giggling over the odd relationship between Komori’s cousin and one of Suna’s old teammates, both of whom you had met less than a handful of times, you felt the wind get knocked out of you. As you pretend to choke on your drink, you scan the room in a panic looking for him. Before you can spot him, a strong hand pressed into your back, forcing you to stand up straight.

“Oh, hi!” Komori gives Suna a wave and a small grin, clueless to your flustered expression. “We were just talking about Atsum-”

“Sorry,” he really is, “Promised we would head out early.”

“No worries.” He chirps back. “Nice seeing you.” It’s directed at you, but you’re lost. The pulsing between your legs is near unbearable, you’re wound up so tight it’s a wonder you haven’t burst over the edge yet. It’s all you can do to muster out a polite hum and nod to him. Your legs are shaking now, you have to take deep breaths to steady yourself, faking little coughs when moans bubble up in your chest. Suna is saying something else to him, but you can’t quite hear, the pressure in your ears too loud.

Then, without warning, it stops. Fingers digging into the sleeve of Suna’s jacket to get his attention, you give him a sharp tug. When you look, you realize he doesn’t have his phone out and he looks about as confused as you. Realization hits his face like a ton of bricks.

“Not feeling well?” He huffs out at you, less of a question and more of a statement really. You quickly shake your head and offer an apologetic look to Komori. “Sorry, we really do have to go now.”

He barely gets out another polite goodbye before Suna is dragging you out of the venue. You make it to the desolate lobby and are dragged into an empty-looking bathroom before you can even say anything.

“Why did-”

“It died, I didn’t do anything.” He quips, locking the door behind him. “I’m sorry baby, I really didn’t mean to.” Dragging you back to him he traces gentle kisses down your shoulders, already hiking up your dress with a hand that’s traveled to your ass.

“Please, need you, Rin.” Your eyes sparkle at him, pulling his face back up to yours so you can kiss him properly. At first, it’s sweet, tame almost, but your dire need and the fact that your cunt is still throbbing on the edge pushes you to deepen it. Tongue lashing across his, fighting for nothing in particular, everything about your motions and groping hands becomes sloppy and irregular.

“Right now? Here?” He teases out, cradling your cheeks.

“Yes, here. Now.” You demand with your hands already tugging on his well-made belt, struggling with the buckle. Through the silky material of his pants, you can feel how swollen and hard he already is. “Don’t need anything else, just you inside of me.” You continue, half-distracted from tearing his clothes away when his thumb swipes over your bottom lip and presses into your mouth. Without a second thought, you suck it in, lavishing your tongue over his fingertip as you would his cock. All it does is make you needier while your hands tremble around his length, finally pulling him out.

“Such a good fucking girl.” He groans when you swipe over the tip. Steadying your quivering body with two hands tightly drawn over your hips, he flips you around so you’re against the wide sink counter facing yourself.

While you settle your chest against it and spread your legs, he’s making quick work of the ties holding up your panties. “You really did make an absolute mess of these.” He whistles lowly, admiring the spread of creamy slick that’s painted between your thighs. The panties are tossed beside your face, your own smell momentarily taking your focus away from him until you feel the gentle prod of his cock against you.

“Just put it in, I can take it.” You beg, wiggling your hips back for emphasis.

“Bet you can.” He agrees as he pushes in the rest of the way with one fluid motion. A cracked moan breaks from you, and you realize as he fills you out that the cord in you is snapping. His hips barely drag out, shallowly pumping into you.

“Cu-cumming.” You stutter out, hips twitching under his hold. Being on the edge for so long pushed you into such sensitivity, even he’s a little surprised when you start to flutter around him. He keeps up his shallow pumps, wary of pushing you too far when he knows you’ve been teetering at the edge for so long, gently fucking your through until you slump against the counter. “Please…” you weakly call out, still aware of the pleasant draw of his cock that’s nudged deep inside of you.

Not bothering to answer, he offers you a small smile in the mirror, and pistons his hips out at a ferocious speed. The slap of skin and the all-too-loud squelching is making you dizzy, but you can tell by the precious look on his face that you’re not the only one. Suna’s eyes are connected to where he’s getting sucked into your gushing pussy that’s already left a creamy ring at the base of his cock. All he can think about is that you’re wet, so wet, and you’ve been waiting for this all day, waiting for him. Driven out of his own mind by the nearby sensation of you clamping down around him, whining and shaking in his arms, he already feels close.

When he pulls his eyes away from where he’s fucking you, he lands on your face in the mirror. This isn’t perfect, it’s really not. It’s no romantic anniversary night with flower petals and candles, it’s fucking in the bathroom outside a work event. And although he knows you don’t need anything fancy as you always tell him, he feels a twisted pang of guilt and excitement.

Anyone could walk by and hear your unobstructed, pitched moans, his deep whimpers, or the flesh hitting flesh over and over again. At best, this could be a difficult press scandal, but he can’t bring himself to really care, not when you’re begging for him - his cock, his orgasm, he cum to fill you up. His attention is only on you, forcing his hips to thump harder against your backside, balls slapping against your poor, tired cunt that just keeps leaking around him.

You can feel how close he was to his own end, pressure building up in him, cock twitching against you while his resolve falters and his hips stutter against you. The spout of words you had been blabbering on to encourage him got lost as he slams into you with some finality, the warm spray of his cum filling you up from the inside.

Taking a heavy breath he lets himself fall over your back, long torso laying heavy against you. Neither of you attempts to speak, panting and whimpering just above a whisper. After a heavy minute, Suna turns his head to rest against your cheek, giving you a pleased hum.

“Maybe next time I should just keep the battery low.”

[olderthannetfic]

It's really surprising that you're so well versed in older fandoms and yet participate in new popular ones (that cdrama, kpop) is this by design? Im in my twenties and my interest turnover is already way slower than it used to be

You know, that’s a really interesting question. I wouldn’t say it’s by design exactly in that I do tend to just follow what strikes my fancy, and I can’t force myself to want to write fic for just anything. (I find it easier to like reading fic without serious involuntary emotional investment, but writing takes more. Vidding I can do on command most of the time, but I don’t usually bother unless I have a lot of feels or I’m fulfilling someone’s prompt.)

However, me getting into BTS was 100% due to me wanting to understand BTS enough to explain to people who weren’t very interested but wanted to know what was going on in fandom lately. Under normal circumstances, I run the dance party at Escapade, the oldest extant slash con. We borrowed vividcon’s thing of playing fanvids on the wall--all of them set to dance music--as the soundtrack for the dance party. This means I’m creating a 3-hour mixtape of fannishness, which has amazing potential to make people feel in the know about Fandom Today... and equal potential to make them feel alienated if nothing they care about shows up. Only about 100-150 people attend the con, so it really is possible to make a playlist that feels inclusive yet informative--it just takes a huge amount of work.

Every year, I do a lot of research on which fandoms are getting big and look for vids from vidders people won’t have heard of, so there is an element of consciously trying to keep up with things. Generally, I only get into these fandoms myself if I had no idea what they were and then suddenly, oops, they’re my kryptonite, like the buddy cop android plot in Detroit: Become Human, which sucked me in hard for like 6 months on the basis of a vid.

(So if you’re into cross-fandom meta and associated stuff as one of your fannish interests, you tend to have broader knowledge of different fandoms, old and new, than if you’re just looking for the next place you’ll read fic. It’s also easier to love vids for unfamiliar things than fic.)

But though I was only looking for a basic primer on BTS, BTS has 7 members with multiple names and no clear juggernaut pairing, not to mention that AU that runs through the music videos and lots of other context to explain. The barrier to understanding WTF was going on at all was high enough that to know enough to explain, I had to be thoroughly exposed... And once I was over that hurdle, oops, I had a fandom.

--

In terms of old vs. new, here’s the thing: kpop fandoms in English and c-drama fandoms in English right now feel a lot like anime fandom in English did in the early 00s. I had a Buddy Cops of the 70s phase in the middle, but my current fannishness is actually a return to my older fannishness in many ways.

What do I mean about them being similar?

Yes, I know some wanker will show up to say I think China, Korea, and Japan are indistinguishable, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the way that I used to routinely meet Italian and French and German fans, Argentinian and Mexican, Malaysian and Indonesian and Filipino too. English-language fandom of SPN or MCU may have all those fans from all those countries, but it feels very American most of the time. English-language fandom of a non-English-language canon is more overtly about using English as a lingua franca.

It also tends to attract people who as a sideline to their fannishness are getting into language learning and translation, which are my other passion in life after fanworks fandom. (I speak only English and Spanish and a bit of Japanese, but I’ve studied German, French, Russian, Mandarin, Old English, and now Korean.)

Nerds arguing about methods of language learning and which textbooks are good and why is my jam. This is all over the place in English-language fandoms of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean media. Those fandoms also tend to be full of speakers coming from a Germanic or Romance languages background who face similar hurdles in learning these languages. (In other words, if you’re a native Japanese speaker trying to learn Korean, the parts that will be hard for you are different than if you’re an English speaker, but you’re also usually not doing fandom in English.)

There’s also an element of scarcity and difficulty of access and a communal attempt to construct a canon (in the other sense) of stuff from that country that pertains to one’s fannishness. So, for example, a primer explaining the genre of xianxia is highly relevant to being a n00b Untamed fan, but just any old thing about China is not. A c-drama adapted from a danmei webnovel is perhaps part of the new pantheon of Chinese shit we’re all getting into, but just any old drama from decades ago is probably not... unless it’s a genre precursor to something else we care about. Another aspect here is that while Stuff I Can Access As A N00b Who Doesn’t Speak The Language may be relatively scarce, there’s a vast, vast wealth of stuff that exists.

This is what it felt like to be an anime fan in the US in 2000. As translation got more commercial and more crappy series were licensed and dumped onto an already glutted market, the vibe changed. No longer were fans desperately trying to learn enough of the language to translate or spending their time cataloguing what existed or making fanworks about a show they stuck with for a bit: the overall community focus turned to an endless race of consumption to keep up with all of the latest releases. That’s a perfectly valid way of being fannish, but if I wanted that, I’d binge US television 24/7.

Anime fandom got bigger, but what I liked about anime fandom in English died, and I moved on. (Okay, I first moved on to Onmyouji, which is a live action Japanese thing, but still.)

Hardcore weeaboos and now fans of Chinese and Korean stuff don’t stop at language: people get excited about cooking, my other other great passion. Times a thousand if the canon is something like The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, which is full of loving shots of food preparation. People get excited about history! Mandarin and Japanese may share almost nothing in terms of grammar or phonology, but all of East Asia has influence from specific Chinese power centers historically, and there are commonalities to historical architecture and clothing that I love.

I fell out of love with the popular anime art styles as they changed, and I’m not that into animation in general these days. (I still own a shitton of manga in art styles I like, like Okano Reiko’s Onmyouji series.) I’ve become a filmmaker over the last decade, and I’m very excited about beautiful cinematography and editing. With one thing and another, I’m probably not going to get back into anime fandom, but it’s lovely to revisit the cultural aspects I enjoyed about it via live-action media.

BTS surprised me too, to be honest. I really dislike that early 90s R&B ballad style that infests idol music (not just Korean--believe me, I resisted many rounds of “But Johnny’s Entertainment though!” back in the day). While I like some of the dance pop, I just don’t care. But OH NO, BTS turn out to be massive conscious hip hop fanboys, and their music sounds different. I have some tl;dr about my reactions in the meta I wrote about one of my fanvids, which you can find on Dreamwidth here.

--

But back to your comment about turnover: I know fans from the 70s who’ve had one great fannish love and that’s it and more who were like that but eventually moved on to a second or third. They’re... really fannishly monogamous in a way I find hard to comprehend. It was the norm long ago, but even by the 90s when far more people were getting into fandom, it was seen as a little weird. By now, with exponentially more people in fandom, it’s almost unheard of. I think those fans still exist, even as new people joining, but we don’t notice them. They were always rare, but in the past, only people like that had the stamina to get over the barriers to entry and actually become the people who made zines or were willing to be visibly into fanfic in eras when that was seen as really weird. On top of that, there’s an element of me, us, judging the past by what’s left: only people with an intense and often single passion are visible because other people either drifted away or have seamlessly disappeared into some modern fandom. They don’t say they’re 80 or 60 or 40 instead of 20, so nobody knows.

In general, I’m a small fandoms and rare ships person. My brain will do its best to thwart me by liking whatever has no fic even in a big fic fandom... (Except BTS because there is literally fic for any combination of them, like even more than for the likes of MCU. Wow. Best fandom evar!) So I have an incentive to not get complacent and just stick with one fandom because I would very soon have no ability to be in fandom at all.

My appetite for Consuming All The Things has slowed way down, but it also goes in waves, and a lot of what I’m consuming is what I did back in 2000: journal articles and the limited range of English-language books on the history of m/m sex and romance in East Asia. It’s not so much that I have a million fandoms as that I’m watching a few shows as an expression of my interest in East Asian costume dramas and East Asian history generally.

I do like to sit with one thing and experience it deeply rather than moving on quickly, but the surface expression of this has changed depending on whether I’m more into writing fic or more into doing research or something else.

But yes, I do do a certain amount of trying to stay current, often as a part of research for fandom meta or to help other people know what’s going on. Having a sense of what’s big doesn’t automatically mean getting into all those things, but I think some fans who are older-in-fandom and/or older-in-years stop being open to even hearing what’s new. And if you’ve never heard of it, you’ll never know if you might have liked it.

[woman-loving]

I don’t identity as a “bi lesbian,” but I feel there is room for a woman to identify as both bisexual and gay/lesbian, and I don’t agree with the arguments I’ve seen against “bi lesbian” identity.

One thing that annoys me about detractors of the identity is the occasional claim that it is basically an internet phenomenon that arose within the last five years or so. Actually, women have been claiming both bisexual and lesbian identities for decades. There have constantly been debates about how bi women fit within lesbianism, lesbian identity, and lesbian community since the gay/lesbian movements have been active. This isn’t something that has ever been universally agreed upon, and there never will be universal agreement on it.

Just for reference and historical interest, I’ve compiled a few selections from articles and books, mostly from the 80s and 90s, that are by or about lesbian-identified (or gay-identified) bisexual woman, or that at least mention them. Inclusion doesn’t indicate my approval of the author’s perspective or argument; this is to provide a bit of history on the discourse.

What is a Lesbian? To me, a lesbian is a woman-oriented woman; bisexuals can be lesbians. A lesbian does not have to be exclusively woman oriented, she does not have to prove herself in bed, she does not have to hate men, she does not have to be sexually active at all times, she does not have to be a radical feminist. She does not have to like bars, like gay culture, or like being gay. When lesbians degrade other lesbians for not going to bars, not coming out, being bisexual or not sexually active, and so on, we oppress each other.

--Trish Miller, "Bisexuality," Lavender Woman, Vol 2 Issue 5, August 1973.

*

The definition of lesbian that I suggest, one that conforms to the two methodological considerations above, is the following:

5. Lesbian is a woman who has sexual and erotic-emotional ties primarily with women or who sees herself as centrally involved with a community of self-identified lesbians whose sexual and erotic-emotional ties are primarily with women; and who is herself a self-identifed lesbian. 

My definition is a sociopolitical one; that is, it attempts to include in the term lesbian the contemporary sense of lesbianism as connected with a subcultural community, many members of which are opposed to defining themselves as dependent on or subordinate to men. It defines both bisexual and celibate women as lesbians as long as they identify themselves as such and have their primary emotional identification with a community of self-defined lesbians. Furthermore, for reasons I will outline shortly, there was no lesbian community in which to ground a sense of self before the twentieth century, a fact which distinguishes the male homosexual community from the lesbian community. Finally, it is arguable that not until this particular stage in the second wave of the women’s movement and in the lesbian-feminist movement has it been politically feasible to include self-defined lesbian bisexual women into the lesbian community.

Many lesbian feminists may not agree with this inclusion. But it may be argued that to exclude lesbian bisexuals from the community on the grounds that “they give energy to men” is overly defensive at this point. After all, a strong women’s community does not have to operate on a scarcity theory of nurturant energy! On feminist principles the criterion for membership in the community should be a woman’s commitment to giving positive erotic-emotional energy to women. Whether women who give such energy to women can also give energy to individual men (friends, fathers, sons, lovers) is not the community’s concern.

--Ann Ferguson, “Patriarchy, Sexual Identity, and the Sexual Revolution,” Signs, Autumn 1981.

*

Individuals who came together a month ago to discuss bisexuality and its relationship to radical feminism decided recently to begin a serious, regular study group on human sexuality and its social/political/psychological manifestations in our culture.

There are eight of us in the group. For all, understanding bisexuality, both in our own lives and and in our society, is a primary goal. To this end, we decided on a format of readings and discussion, with a facilitator for each meeting, that would bring us through the range of sexual options available in the United States today, from male-identified heterosexuality to lesbianism, to a final informed examination of bisexuality in the context of all that we had learned. Throughout our exploration, feminism will provide both a point of departure, and a point of return.

We started by trying to define some terms, specifically "feminism," "gay-identified bisexual," and "bisexual". Alot of us were amazed to see how many different interpretations each term, especially "gay-identified," could have. Is someone "gay-identified" because they devote a majority of their time, energy and emotion to the gay community? Or does an individual's radical critique of heterosexuality make them "gay-identified"? And does "gay-identified" also imply "women-identified"? Some people felt that one could be gay-identified, and still not be woman-identified. And exactly how many Meg Christian concerts make you "lesbian-identified"?

We didn't reach any conclusions, but had fun realizing that being bisexuals, we are dealing with a whole realm of experiences that can be classified in any number of different ways; and that the variety of possible bisexual lifestyles is as varied as the women who are in the Network.

--Barb H, “Study Group,” BBWN, Vol. 2 No. 4, July-Aug 1984

*

I recognize that homophobia is at the root of biphobia. I came to lesbianism long before my sexuality was clear to me. I lived an open lesbian lifestyle for four years. I cannot deny the importance of this experience, nor do I want to. For me lesbian identity is more than, and/or in addition to sexuality; it is a political awareness which bisexuality doesn't altar or detract from. 10 years ago when I left my husband and full-time role of motherhood, it didn't make me less conscious of what being a mother means. In fact, it gave me a deeper understanding. I am still a mother. That experience cannot be taken away from me. In much the same way, my lesbian awareness isn't lost now that I claim my bisexuality. When I realized my woman-loving-woman feelings, and came out as a lesbian, I had no heterosexual privilege; yet there were important males in my life, including a son. I am bisexual because it's real for me, not in order to acquire or flaunt the privilege that is inherent in being with men. My political consciousness is lesbian but my lifestyle is bisexual. If I keep myself quiet for another's sense of pride and liberation, it is at the cost of my own which isn't healthy--emotionally, politically or medically. Not only is it unhealthy, it's ineffective.

Since I have come out I have triggered many lesbians to blurt in whispered confidence--"I have a man in the closet. You're brave to be so open. What am I going to do?" These are not easy times. AIDS has given biphobia free reign in the lesbian community (and admittedly with much less destructive effect than how AIDS is fueling homophobia in society at large), it is all right to trash bisexuals, not to trust us for fear of AIDS. Bisexuals are untouchable to some lesbians.

We have to deal with oppression in a constructive way or we will be factionalized forever. Time is running out. We have to see the whole and the part we play in it. Forming family communities with people who share your sexual identity is important, but trashing is nonproductive. The sexual choices we make are equally valid for our individual experiences. AIDS is not a gay disease; it is a human tragedy, a plague that doesn't recognize boundaries. I urge bisexuals to take a political stand, and to become a visible, viable energy force. It is important and timely to open this dialogue in each of our communities. Nobody belongs in the closet. The only way to get a sense of "our" community is for us to begin to speak out and identify ourselves. When we verify the connections and the networks of our oppression, we build a unity that avoids the, "I'm more oppressed than you" syndrome

--Lani Kaahumanu, “Bisexuality & Discrimination,” BBWN Vol. 3, No. 6, Dec 1985-Jan 1986; Reprinted from the 1985 Gay Pride March magazine, San Francisco

*

What makes the Third Annual Northeast Conference on Bisexuality what it is? The breakfasts and dinners--the entertainment--the excitement of meeting others who feel like family. My first event of the conference was stumbling onto a cocktail party just around the corner from the Registration Desk, which turned out to be part of the Woman's History Week! A bit embarrassing after greeting many people with wine glasses in hand, asking them how they heard about the bisexuality conference!

I'll skip now to describe my experiences at the lesbian-identified affinity group and the two workshops I attended. Why do women who identify as lesbians go to a bisexuality conference? There were about 10 of us in the room, each with a different answer. Most of our relationships at the present time were with women; after that the similarity ended. One woman had affairs with men when not seriously involved with women. Another, in a non-monogamous long-term lesbian relationship, had recently begun a sexual involvement with a man. one woman, now involved with a bisexual woman, was here to discuss her feelings about the situation. Some of us had led exclusively lesbian lives for a number of years and were wondering if we'd closed off important parts of ourselves. Whether or not we would act on our sexual attractions for men, acknowledging them were important to us.

Our personal herstories contributed to our diverse opinions. For some, coming out was relaxed and easy and relationships with women refreshingly egalitarian. Others found sexual awakening and coming out difficult, and lesbian relationships fraught with many of the same difficulties as straight ones. We also discussed reasons lesbians don't accept bisexual women, such as fear that she'd leave for a man or desire to preserved woman-only space. We questioned the reality of "heterosexual privilege," wondering whether any women could really have it. We discussed the sorrows in our lives, such as family histories of alcoholism, incest or physical abuse, and the joys of our relationships, our work and our lives.

--Stacie, “Lesbian-identified Affinity Group Workshops: Lesbian Sexuality & Politics of Sexuality,” BBWN, Vol. 4, No. 2, April-May 1986

*

[Robyn Ochs]: What is your current sexual identity?

[Betty Aubut]: I call myself a "bisexual lesbian." I will always politically identify as bisexual, which to me means opposing restrictive categories. Some days I feel real separatist, and other days I feel that I want to be involved with men. Being bisexual to me means that I see men and women whom I'm attracted to. A man would have to be very special for me to want to get involved with him but I will fight for bisexual rights whether or not I'm sleeping with men. I see the bisexual community and movement as a very important bridge between gays, lesbian and straights. As long as gays and lesbians are considered completely 'other' from the mainstream, we'll never have any power. I consider myself gay. I think bisexuals are gay and gay liberation is our liberation. I don't consider myself 100% straight and 100% gay; I am 100% gay. That doesn't mean I won't sleep with a man every now and then--some lesbians do that. I never used to identify as lesbian out of respect for women who made the lifelong choice never to sleep with men, but then I realized that was a lot of bullshit. Calling yourself lesbian does not necessarily mean you have made that lifelong decision. Now I mostly identify as a lesbian--so I call myself a bisexual lesbian. I don't sleep with men right now, but I have male friends whom I spend time with and cuddle with. I've even become socially involved with some of the men from the men's network. I'm proud of where I am now because it's been so hard for me. People who have known me for a long time can't believe the change.

--Robyn Ochs, “Bi of the Month: Betty Aubut,” Bi Women Vol. 5, No. 2, April-May, 1987

*

Sharon Sumpter is a bisexual lesbian activist and psychotherapist who works with women survivors of abuse, institutionalization and sexual oppression. Her book-in-progress, In Pieces, is dedicated to opening the closet doors for former "mental patients." "I went into my work to undo the criminal things that were done to me and that I saw done to other women." She thanks Deena Metzger and Asherah for this, her first published work.

--Contributors' Notes, Sinister Wisdom, Issue 36, Winter 1988/89

*

Representatives of lesbian-feminist separatism may feel singled out as special targets of our anger and distress. To the extent that this is true, the seeds of anger lie in lesbian separatism as a politic: In this reading of feminism, specific sex acts take on politicized meaning. These are said to have consequences for the consciousness of the person performing them. Lesbian feminism is arguably the most proscriptive gay or lesbian politic, generating in its adherents the greatest tendency to judge others' (especially sexual) behavior. Gay men, for example, seem more likely to cite personal antipathy or simple stereotypes about bisexuals as a source of their chagrin. A great many bisexual women, particularly those who are feminist and lesbian-identified, have felt both personally and politically rejected and judged by the separatist sisters. Even those with no such experience may feel wary having heard of other bisexual women's stories. No one like to feel attacked, even politically.

----Carol A. Queen, "Strangers at Home: Bisexuals in the queer movement," Out/Look, Vol. 4, Issue 4 (16), Spring 1992

*

Closer to Home successfully deals with these and other problems of self-identification. As most of the writers are "lesbian-identified bisexuals" (one of several labels used for the sake of convenience), the definition of lesbianism is also reevaluated. Is a lesbian a woman who relates emotionally and erotically with women or a woman who does not relate emotionally and erotically with men? Must a woman fit both criteria to be considered a lesbian?

The "Principles and Practice" section expands these main course theories of identity with side dishes of memories and personal feelings--feelings of not being queer enough; of breaking all the rules, even the gay rules; of being dissatisfied with the waste of energy from political infighting. It's odd for lesbian-identified bi's to find themselves viewed as politically incorrect. It's maddening to have one's past feminist work invalidated by the inclusion of a man (or men) in one's life. It's frustrating to find oneself faced with a choice of being honest or potentially losing support of women's groups. It's confusing to work for the freedom to come out of one closet only to be asked to stay in another. As Rebecca Shuster write:

"If we choose a lesbian identity, we are subject to systematic oppression and internalize that oppression in a package that includes marginality; invisibility; isolation...; and countercultural rules about how to relate to women and men. If we choose a bisexual identity, we are subject to systematic oppression and internalize that oppression in a package deal that include a feeling of not belonging or having a home; defensiveness; isolation...; and countercultural rules about how to relate to women and men. Precisely because bisexuality represents freedom of choice, society ensures that the identity comes with its own package of mistreatment and constraints."

----Beth Herrick, "Bisexual Women Pushing the Limits," Sojourner, Vol. 18, Issue 10, June 1993

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The first step is to move toward building alliances within our bisexual communities. Many communities are united by a commonality of the oppression. This is not so in our community, partly because of the different ways people identify as bisexual: gay-identified, queer-identified, lesbian-identified, or heterosexual-identified. Some people are bisexual in an affectional manner only; some are bisexual both affectionally and sexually; and some are bisexual only sexually. Since there are so many ways to express our bisexuality, the first step toward alliance-building is to work internally to accept all members of our own community. It is imperative that we build alliances across our own differences; otherwise, alliance-building will fail. Acceptance of the diversity of bisexual labels within our community will allow us to pursue alliance-building with decisive strength in the heterosexual community and what many of us consider our own lesbian/gay community.[3]

--Brenda Blasingame, "Power and Privilege Beyond the Invisible Fence, in  Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries, and Visions, 1995

*

Personally, I am unable to separate out the various ways that I am oppressed (as a woman, as an African American, as a bisexual lesbian, as an impoverished single mother) and say that one oppression is worse than the other, or that I desire one form of liberation more than another. I do not want to experience threats to my life, my child custody, or my job security because of racism or homophobia. I don't want to be oppressed for any reason!!!

--Dajenya, "Which Part of Me Deserves to Be Free?," in Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries, & Visions, ed. Naomi Tucker, 1995

*

A good deal of criticism has been written about heterosexuals who are surprised when they find out the true sexual orientation of someone who they didn't think "looked gay." These criticism assert what is of course true--that there is no such thing as a gay or lesbian "look," since of course, everyone who is gay, lesbian or bisexual, looks that way.

Unfortunately, many of my experiences as a lesbian-identified bisexual woman have said to me that having an appearance or demeanor that diverges from the expected means I will not be accepted as truly belonging in the lesbian community. Despite my attendance at gay pride parade, dollars spent at gay resorts and in support of gay causes, and numerous attempts to participate in gay and/or lesbian groups and volunteer events, I have often felt unaccepted by this community.

--Amy Wyeth, "Don't Assume Anything," Bi Women Vol. 13, No. 4, Aug/Sept 1995

*

Joan Tollifson relays her struggle to make sense of her life and her spiritual awakening in Bare-Bones Meditation. Born with only one hand, she grew up feeling different, found identity and purpose as a bisexual lesbian and a disability rights activist, but struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. She first embraced Zen Buddhism then a very bare-bones form of spirituality that has no form. This exuberant and amazing testament is for the many people who don't fit into the conventional molds of existing religious traditions.

--"And on Publisher's Row," complied by Jenn Tust, Feminist Bookstore News, Vol. 19, Issue 4, Nov-Dec 1996

[a-queer-seminarian]

I am trying to read more theology and I would love to know what texts have been most important to you? I am not a super academic person so things that are modestly accessible would be great, but also I am trying to push myself to read more challenging texts! ty so much!

Oooh what a fun question -- I’ve offered people book recs before, but never one that’s specifically the texts that have been most important to me.

To start, i recommend my #books tag on my other blog for way more books than the ones I’ll list here -- not every post in that tag is relevant to your question here, but some are. Here’s a list of the posts that are relevant to your request -- you’ll see that on most of them, I note how accessible vs academic or dense a text seemed to me. 

a list of recs for theology that’s helpful in this 2020 climate of pandemic and protest.

a list of recs for books about being queer and Christian

And now for a list of theological texts that have been most important to me -- deeply impacting how I read the Bible, how I relate to God or to other humans or to creation, etc.:

The basics

I have to include Christian Doctrine by Shirley Guthrie on this list...

simply because it was the first book I read when trying to figure out what Reformed Protestants believe after growing up Catholic. It’s actually a fairly easy read -- it’s longish, and not like the most riveting book you’ve ever read, but dang it has great stuff in it. It made me way more excited to enter the PC(USA) denomination than I’d been before reading it -- before, I felt like i was mainly running from the crappy parts of the Roman Catholic Church; after reading it, i realized i could also be running to the beautiful parts of Reformed theology!

But yeah, if you’re looking for a book that helps solidify in your mind concepts like the Trinity, or sin, or divine inspiration....this is a great book for that! (Assuming you want to learn about those things from a(n LGBT affirming) Reformed Protestant lens.

If you wanna read tons of excerpts from this text before deciding whether you want to read the whole thing, I posted a lot of passages from it in this tag over here.

Inspired by Rachel Held Evans

this is the best book I can think of for non-academics who want to learn about reading the Bible in a way that confronts rather than ignores/accepts its more disturbing passages.

If you need help figuring out how to read the Bible without a fundamentalist / literalist lens, this is the book for you.

Holy Envy: Finding God in the Faith of Others by Barbara Brown Taylor

Very important if you want to practice a Christianity that doesn’t pit you against people of other (or no) faiths -- and very easy to read

Books that helped me develop a liberationist + queer + disabled theology

Justin Tanis’ book Transgendered was super important to me when i was first getting into trans theology...

However, the language in it isn’t particularly accessible -- it’s not horribly dense but I would now recommend OtherWise Christian by Chris Paige instead. Paige quotes from Tanis -- and many other foundational trans theologians! -- and does a great job of making their scholarly language a lot more accessible to non-academics. Ach yeah, OtherWise Christian is what you wanna read to get deep into the academia of trans theology without having to wade through the denser older books yourself.

If you do want to read some of Tanis’ book, you can read my fave chapters as pdfs here.

I’d also recommend Austen Hartke’s Transgender and Christian YouTube channel and my website blessedarethebinarybreakers.com for more trans theology presented in simpler language!

Disability: The Inclusive Church Resource by John M. Hull

Nancy Eiseland’s The Disabled God is also, like, foundational to a lot of disability theology but it’s not the easiest read. The last two chapters are the best part in my opinion.

For more great resources on disability theology, including some of my own writing (which is, I hope, easy to read), see this Google Doc i compiled once and also my disability theology tag.

Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman.

It’s a bit more academic / written more formally than some of the books on here cuz it’s older, but it’s also short and if you can get through even just the first two or three chapters you’ll have absorbed material that i promise you’ll be thinking about for a long, long time to come.

God of the Oppressed by James Cone

So foundational. Another classic by him is The Cross and the Lynching Tree. These books are both more academic but yeah, foundational stuff.

The only full text I’ve read by Gustavo Gutiérrez is On Job but I’ve read a lot of excerpts from other stuff by him...

You’ve gotta read at least a little bit of this guy to help you understand liberation theology as it originated in Latin America. Unfortunately, I do think he’s much more academic so not an “easy” read at all -- you could try to find other authors who sum up his ideas and works and offer fundamental excerpts in his own words, if you try to dig into something he’s written and find it too tough

But yeah, his book On Job in particular really helped me start figuring out “theodicy” -- the question of why there is suffering in the world / what God’s role in suffering is. But I had a lot of trouble figuring out what Gutiérrez was saying at a lot of points in the book, and I’ve been reading academic texts for like a decade now!! So if you try to read it and find it’s just too much, don’t feel bad. I only was able to get a real handle on this book after discussing it in a seminary classroom with a teacher helping us.

If you wander through my #theodicy tag, you’ll find my own understandings of suffering as shaped by On Job without having to read the book yourself! You also might like Everything Happens by Kate Bowler for a great look on suffering. 

Native: Identity, Belonging, and Rediscovering God by Kaitlin B. Curtice (progressive Christian + citizen of the Potawatomi nation)

This book is truly incredible in that its language invites you in and reads like a devotional while making powerful statements about settler colonialism and assimilation and stuff. So so so good. 

When it comes to books that have deeply enriched, like, my “personal” prayer life / relationship with God:

Learning to Walk in the Dark and An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (Episcopal background)

This author’s books are all so easy to read, and so so so full of wisdom. If you want your theology served to you in a less “so this is theology” kind of way and more of a devotional kind of way, this is the author for you.

Also she’s super popular among non-academics and academics alike so it’s easy to find people to discuss her work with!

An Altar in the World is about finding God outside of church, in the everyday, in the “secular”...

Learning to Walk in the Dark is about forming a faith that can survive and actually nourish you during the struggles of life (as opposed to what she calls a “full solar Christianity”)

A Tree Full of Angels by Sister Macrina Wiederkehr (Catholic nun)

this one is a little bit more formal in style, but not bad if you read it like i did, which was as a devotional where i’d only read a section or two each evening. It focuses on finding the divine in the most mundane of things -- see here for some posts sharing short excerpts from it.

Wow this got long....sorry about that! And if you were hoping for more shorter works, like articles instead of whole books, let me know and I can dig through my seminary stuff and share my faves!