#its like a form of self torture that im stuck in | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crash-cinematic-universe · 3 years

Text

tiger lilies, self destructing, and richard siken

pairing: peter maximoff/reader

summary: to peter maximoff, love is an anomaly that scares him more than anything else. however, you might be able to help him overcome his fear.

warnings: language! but that’s about it. kind of cheesy at some points but yknow what im not lactose intolerant

notes: this is the monsterous fic thats been kicking my ass this past week (6.2k words babey!!!) i was originally going to add ~~steamy~~ section to this one but i decided against it to make it readable for those who don’t wanna see that kind of stuff. if you want me to separately publish that then just lmk!! (if any of yall wanna talk about richard siken to me then please do, his work is so good)

taglist: @stranger-names , @gooseyhouse , @parkersdarling

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- no pun intended. His speed is a blessing, but also a bitter curse. He moves at the speed of sound, bouncing off the walls and tearing up the roads; he moves impossibly fast, and no one ever tries to catch up with him. People get tired of Peter rather quickly, not bothering to get attached to him when they know they can’t keep up.

That’s why it’s so jarringly startling when you decide to stick around. When faced with the grand decision of throwing in the towel and leaving Peter behind or sticking around and trying your best, you chose the latter. It was surprising, to say the least. Peter waited patiently for the distance between the two of you to start growing; he waited for the void you once filled to open up again. However, the void never emptied, and the distance never grew.

To anyone else, this would be a wonderful experience. Knowing that you wouldn’t be left behind or forgotten about would be comforting to anyone else in Peter’s position. However, this did the exact opposite for Peter. He wasn’t comforted or relaxed, on the contrary, he was always on edge. The future was cruel, and the mystery of it all felt like torture.

To quote the great Richard Silken, “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Peter lived and breathed by this ideology, that everyone he loves would have to leave eventually, whether it be by their own volition or not. It was obvious that you didn’t plan on abandoning ship anytime soon, so Peter decided he’d take matters into his own hands. If you weren’t going to be the first one to walk away, then he’d be the one to run away from you. He soon came to learn that loneliness was at its most bitter when you’ve come to taste the sweetness of love.

Love was a strange, complicated beast that Peter Maximoff had never dealt with before. If he were to be completely honest, love scared him. It scared him more than dying scared him. To Peter, death was an escape. Death was the end of a tiring journey, it was safe and simple and easy. Love was the opposite, it was the mouth of a dragon and the edge of a blade. It was the beginning to something so fragile and powerful, something that could end in flames.

Peter realized he loved you on a summer afternoon. The sun was shining and you were in the shade. He sat down next to you, and within minutes Kurt and Ororo appeared at your side. They seemed so put together, so sure and strong. Peter felt out of place-- he felt as if he were standing outside of a cabin looking in through the window at your wonderful friendships. He watched with his nose pressed against the glass as you walked across the room and opened the cabin door to let him in.

Peter realized he was in love with you in the middle of the night. A thunderstorm raged outside the mansion walls and raindrops kept time as Peter walked down the hallway. You were sitting on the floor of the common room next to a dying fire, a book clenched tightly in your hands. For a moment, he just stood against a wall and watched you. As creepy as he felt, a part of him believed he’d ruin your night by making himself known. He was okay with being a fly on the wall if it meant he’d get to see you. Peter wondered if there was a world where he had the pleasure of knowing you, without you having the burden of knowing him.

Still, you saw him. And you knew him. And you waved him over with a smile. He felt the urge to run, to leave you here alone with yourself, but he stayed put. Then, one step at a time, he moved forward. He got closer and closer before he found himself standing at your feet.

“You’re welcome to stay,” you told him. He believed it. Peter sat down next to you, letting his shoulder brush against yours.

“What’re you reading?” He asked. Peter already knew what you were reading, he read the cover of the book the moment he sat down, but he still wanted to hear it from you.

“Crush by Richard Siken,”

“Oh. What’s it about?” Peter already knew what it was about. He’d read it at least fifty times.

“It’s kind of hard to explain. I’d much rather just read it to you and let you decide for yourself,” Peter’s stupid little heart lurched, and he almost cried at the thought. He held it together, though.

“That would be nice,” He said softly.

“Sorry about all the writing in the margins, I can’t help myself sometimes.” Peter scanned the sides of the pages, marveling at your notes. Some of them were reactions, littered with exclamation points and question marks and bold letters. Some of them were underlined phrases and little doodles-- most notably a little drawing of a chameleon on a tiger lily. He loved them.

“It’s okay. Literature is meant to be marked up-- what’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?”

“That’s a good point,” You grinned. Then, the reading began, and you allowed Peter to rest his head on your shoulder as you read to him. Even though he’d heard the poems a billion times by now, they sounded brand new coming from you. He listened closely. You were arriving at his favorite part, “You are Jeff” section 24.

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you...” You read on, not noticing the way Peter’s eyes had shifted from the book you were holding to your face. Peter’s mind wanders, and he curses himself for missing the lines you were reading “... You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”

Peter felt like he was going to cry. You kept reading and he kept looking. It was getting late, and Peter was getting tired. Your voice had softened and slowed, and the fire that was burning in the fireplace had all but died. Peter was the one that fell asleep first, and you followed closely after. Both of you had lingering smiles on your faces.

Intimacy is an odd thing, isn’t it? Thinking critically, intimacy is just vulnerability with more layers. It’s the closeness between people, it’s allowing yourself to connect with someone you care about. It’s stripping yourself down to muscle and bone and hoping the other person doesn’t let you bleed out. It’s a level of trust that is more than closing your eyes and falling backwards; it’s closing your eyes and letting them push you over the edge into the unknown, and trusting them enough to know you’ll be okay when you hit the ground.

It didn’t take long for Peter to realize that he had trouble with being intimate with other people. Too many times had trusted someone to push him over the edge, only to realize he’d be shattered when he hits the ground. After that, he decided intimacy was overrated. It’s not like anyone was going to have that kind of relationship with him, anyway.

Of course, then you came along and uprooted his entire worldview, like you had with everything else. He found himself thinking about you at every waking moment, which inevitably led to him… thinking about you at every waking moment, if you catch my drift. Sure, intimacy involves more than just physical intimacy, but Peter knows he can’t ignore the feeling that rises in his stomach whenever he’s around you. For the first year or so of your relationship, Peter became very familiar with the feeling of an ice-cold shower.

What Peter didn’t take into consideration was you. For some reason, Peter struggled to understand the fact that you were just as attracted to him as he was attracted to you. It was no secret that Peter was insecure, but he never really realized how much his insecurity affected his relationships. If he couldn’t love himself, how could anyone else? Peter is the only one who gets to see his persona in its truest form, and every time he has to avert his eyes. It’s safe to say his physical appearance has been the cause of very many painful-- and occasionally tear-filled-- sleepless nights.

He told you this. He told you everything. He told you about Erik, he told you about his childhood, he told you about everything he loved and hated and feared and yearned for. That ordeal alone was scary enough, knowing that at any moment you could decide you didn’t want to deal with him anymore, but as always, you stuck around. You told him everything. You told him about your family and your struggles. You told him about everything you loved and hated and feared and yearned for, and not once did Peter even think that he wanted to walk away. This is the kind of intimacy that, over the years, Peter had struggled with less and less.

Still, it was the sexual aspect of intimacy that freaked him out. It was a beast he’d never dealt with, a feat he’d never faced. That being said, as every day went by Peter became more and more… frustrated. He didn’t know how to approach the subject, so he'd just let the subject approach him and wing it.

And as he sat on his bed watching as you twirled around to Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, Peter realized he didn’t have much to worry about.

“Dance with me, dollface,” you laughed, reaching out for him. You looked like someone straight out of a movie, the lim blue light coming from Peter’s arcade machines illuminating a halo above your head. You put Molly Ringwald and Emilio Estevez to shame. Peter took your hand, grinning like an idiot as you twirled him around.

There he was, dancing in his mother’s basement with his favorite person in the entire world. He wasn’t a great dancer, and neither were you, but that didn’t matter. Peter was dreading this visit-- he hated the idea of being back in the basement that made him feel like a failure. But you assured him that you’d be there with him, and that getting to see his family would make it all worth it. His family isn’t what made it worth it, though.

“Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd came next, slower and a bit more somber, but still danceable. Your arms shifted to around his neck, pulling him closer than he already was. Somehow, you ended up with your back against the wall as the song came to a close. He kissed your forehead, then your cheek, then your lips.

“I love you,” Peter spoke softly. This was a small victory-- he’d been so scared of the mere idea of loving someone. You were the only one who got to hear his love confessions. They were for you, and for you only.

“I love you too,” Peter would never, ever get tired of hearing that. Knowing that you love him is enough to keep him going for a hundred years. And he knows the odds, he knows that love is rocky and painful as much as it is beautiful. He knows that love can feel sweet in the beginning and go sour overtime. He knows that first, second, third relationships don’t always work out. But he thinks this is going to work out. And Peter doesn’t think this will ever go sour. Maybe that’s his blissful ignorance talking, maybe he’s jinxing it, but at this moment, he doesn’t care. Right now he is at his happiest, at his most content.

“You wanna watch a movie?” You asked softly, pecking Peter on the cheek. He could feel the warmth radiating off of you, and Peter grinned. In an instant the tv across the room began playing the opening credits to the first movie that popped into his head.

“The Breakfast Club?” You questioned. Peter shrugged.

“What can I say, I’m a sucker for a good coming-of-age kind of movie,”

You sat against the headboard of Peter’s bed, allowing Peter to settle beside you. Your head rested on his shoulder, and he was quick to grab your hand. Peter loved the closeness. Over the past year, he’d come to realize he was a very affectionate person. Previously, Peter hadn’t known soft, physical love; the only time anyone would ever touch him would be as punishment or defense, not love. Love. Peter had gotten more comfortable with the idea of love, because when he thinks of love he thinks of you.

Every good story has a villain. A villain that you love to hate, or hate to love. A villain you can sympathize with, a villain you can’t excuse, a villain that the mere mention of makes you sick to your stomach. An unexpected villain. An obvious villain. A villain that’s just trying his goddamn best. Sometimes the villain is defeated, sometimes the villain changes their evil ways. Sometimes the villain dies and the crowd cheers.

Peter Maximoff never thought he’d be the villain of his own story. He tried his hardest to be a good person, but there was always that side of him that made him afraid. He was like an explosive; whenever someone got too close, he’d detonate and destroy everything around him. It was a self-defense tactic, albeit counterproductive.

It killed you to see him that way. He told you about the relationships he’d lost to himself. He told you about the abandonment and the loneliness. It broke your heart. He tried to distract himself, drowning himself in work so he’d never have the opportunity to ruin what he had with you. Peter Maximoff was a walnut tree; every time he planted his roots and began to grow, he’d kill anything that grew too close. However, the constant working started to wear Peter down.

It started with the late nights. He’d collapse next to you at four AM, knocking out the minute his head hit the pillow. Still, he’d be awake before you were, already scrambling around trying to complete various tasks. He was like a machine that was running from it’s problems. The late nights turned to all-nighters, and the few hours Peter managed to salvage set aside for sleep had shrunk to a few minutes at a time. He didn’t eat anything with even a hint of nutritional value. At this rate, he was going to work himself to death.

The worst part? Peter knew what he was doing. He wasn’t stupid. He just needed to shut up the little voice in his head that urged him to act out. The entirety of his childhood, Peter destroyed what he created. The need to be isolated, the feeling that he deserves to be alone spread throughout his body like a cancer. He locked himself away in the basement, trying desperately to stay out of everyone’s way so they wouldn’t shut him out. People tried to coerce him out of his cave, to pull him out of the bottomless pit he threw himself into. Peter saw them as the sirens trying to lure him into the ocean of loneliness, and he wasn’t going to fall for it. In his eyes, anyone who tried to help him were the villains of his amazing, heroic tale. Fortunately for him, one by one, they started to give up on helping him. They thought he was a lost cause; a fucking loser who was destined to wallow in his own self-pity until he died. At first, this was a triumph. He defeated them, he outwitted the sphinx and slayed the dragon. But a part of him hated himself for becoming the worst-case scenario that every parent feared their child would grow up to be.

He pulled himself out of his pit and back onto his feet, all by himself. It was hell on Earth, but he did it. That cancerous feeling of uselessness retracted back into itself, now residing in the place next to Peter’s heart. However, that horrifying fear of becoming a burden began to grow again, this time when Peter was in his mid-20s. He began to overcompensate, and that led him to where he was; always on the brink of collapse, running on nothing but coffee and twenty minutes of sleep. In return, Peter got to have friends. In his mind, that was fair. In your mind? Not even close.

You managed to catch him in his bedroom as he was in the midst of simultaneously scribbling in a notebook and reading an open novel. Peter Maximoff would always be the most beautiful person in the world in your eyes, but at that moment, he looked like hell. Your plan seemed foolproof, but then again, you weren’t sure what you were walking into. Lately, Peter didn’t seem like himself. Probably because of the lack of sleep.

“Peter?” He looked up at you, eyes half-lidded. “I got you something.”

“You did?” A sleepy smile was all he could muster, but that was google enough for you.

“I did. It’s to mark exactly three years since I first met you,” you sat down on his bed, placing the small wrapped book right next to you. Peter glanced at the calendar on the wall-- oh god, you were right. It’s been three years to the day and he forgot. He deserves the title of “World’s Worst Boyfriend”. Scott will probably be upset that he’s losing his title.

“What’re you up to?”

“Finishing up some old work I’ve been putting off,” he punctuated his sentence with a yawn. “Some of my old work and some of Hank’s, too.” “Why are you doing Hank’s work?”

“He seemed stressed about something, thought I might help clear his head,” The sentiment is sweet, you’ll give him that.

“Alright, well, can we talk for a minute?” Alarm bells went off in Peter’s brain. There has never, in the history of the universe, been a good conversation that started with ‘can we talk for a minute?’ or any of it’s cruel variants.

“Actually, I’m kind of busy right now, can this wait?” It was obvious that the answer to that was no, but still, he felt the need to ask.

“Not really, no. It’s important.” Peter saw the next few seconds playing out in his head. The inevitable had come to fruition; you realized that you could do better, and now you were cutting him loose. He couldn’t blame you, not really, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to rip him to shreds. He realized that whatever you brought for him was most likely a parting gift. How sweet.

“Oh. Alright.”

“Well, I’m going to give it to you straight,” you sighed. “I’m worried about you, Peter.”

Oh. He’s heard this speech before, he knows the spiel. He can vaguely recall a guidance counselor telling him the exact same thing before Peter decided to call him a slew of expletives. The tar pit in his chest began to grow.

“I’m fine.” This was a lie. The first lie in a long chain of lies that Peter was about to tell to you, his favorite person in the world. He loved you, but in that moment his vision clouded over. You weren’t the person he loved and cherished anymore, no, you were just another faceless blur that provided a temporary escape.

“Really? I feel like you’re pushing everyone away, you’re pushing me away.” Peter was becoming more and more irritated by the second.

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m not pushing you away.

“Don’t lie to me,” your voice is firm and unwavering. “You don’t sleep, you almost never eat-- I don’t think I’ve seen you stand still for more than three minutes once in the past month--”

“That’s just how I am,” Peter huffs. He wanted this conversation to be over. “That’s not your problem.”

“Your wellbeing is my problem, Peter, that’s the whole point of being friends with someone. Even more so now, because you’re my partner and I care about you--”

“Then stop,” Peter rolled his eyes. He's more irritable than normal-- most likely because he hasn’t slept in days. He could almost feel the venomous arms of isolation creeping around him. It’s a sick pattern, he knows; every time someone gets close to him, he feels the need to self-destruct before they lose interest. Even now, even after all this time, Peter’s still powerless against the poison in his veins.

“What?” You’re losing your reserve and your stature. He can tell. You’re slouching and picking at the cuticles on your thumb. It’s almost as if he’s been shoved into the back seat, and is now being forced to watch as a stranger takes the wheel and crashes the car. So much frustration, so much hurt, and it’s all coming out right now, onto you. Peter already regrets this entire interaction, but still, he manages to spit acid.

“Stop caring. Just leave, I know you want to. I know every night, you lie awake and think about all the different ways you can leave me in the dust. Not that it would matter to me.” This is another lie. Your eyes flash with hurt, but you stay put. You know he’s just being an asshole because he’s exhausted and too stubborn to admit that you’re right. He’s egging you on intentionally, trying to get you to snap and walk away.

“Peter, god, I love you but sometimes you can be so...”

“So what? C’mon, be honest with me,” He huffed.

“Frustrating,” You surrendered. The poise you once held was gone. “I know it isn’t your fault-- I know you’ve trusted so many people so deeply and been betrayed or sold out and I know you’ve loved so many times and been thrown to the curb without a second thought. But I don’t know what I can do to convince you that I’m here for you, and that I love you. I’ve tried everything, and it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I want to make this work, but I need you to work with me.” It’s evident in your voice that you’re desperate. You’re just hoping you’ll get through to him, somehow. “I need you to want it as bad as I do-- hell, I need you to want it at all.” Here it comes--

“You ever think, maybe, I just don’t want you to be that person for me? I’ve spent my life being independent, my entire existence so far has been built around the fact that I’m going to end up alone. People come and people go-- people like you and Charles-- and they tell me they care. They tell me that they love me and that they're here for me. And then they get tired of me and they leave. I wish that you would just leave me the fuck alone and let me live in solitude,” There it was. The lie to end all lies. The words tasted awful coming out of his mouth, and the whole ordeal left his mouth tasting very… sour. Peter had to look away, he couldn’t look at the expression on your face.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” Your eyes never met his, but you paused before you exited the room. “I know you’re probably just… I don’t know, going through something, but you’re being an asshole. Don’t talk to me until you’ve sorted your shit out. Enjoy your solitude.” You left the room impossibly fast, your fists clenched so tightly Peter feared that your nails would break the skin on your palms. He struggled to keep it together-- why the fuck did he do that?

Peter collapsed onto his bed, and it’s only then that he realized you left behind the gift you got him. A part of him thought he should return it to you, but the other part of him urged for it to be opened. He tore the wrapping paper off before he realized what he was doing. The hardcover book the wrapping paper concealed was handbound, the cover littered with your beautifully familiar handwriting. In big, bold letters The Best of Poetry in the Humble Opinion of Y/n L/n was scrawled at the top.

Peter vividly remembers a late night you spent talking to him. You told him about your favorite poems, outlining each and every little detail you loved about them. Some of them he’d read already, some of them he hadn’t, but all of them sounded like artwork coming from you. He opened the front cover, and you’d written something else on the inside.

“In the words of the wonderful Peter Maximoff, ‘What’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?’. This is me, sharing the love.”

Carefully, Peter opened to a random page in the book. He saw the notes in the margins and the doodles and the exclamation points and before he knew it Peter was on the verge of tears. He was barely containing himself, and then he read a specific annotation you made.

He had opened to the first page of “The Worm King’s Lullaby”, one of your all-time favorites. A specific line was underlined, one that Peter was all too familiar with: “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Beside it, you wrote:

“As much of a genius Mr. Siken is, I have to disagree with this. If you love someone enough, you’ll never leave them and they’ll never leave you. Even if they die, even if things don’t work out, you’ll always have a little part of them to carry with you. Carry this part of me with you, Peter. Not that I plan on leaving anytime soon.”

That was it. The floodgates broke. Everything that Peter had held back came pouring out-- the past 10 minutes finally caught up with him, and they hit him like a bus. He sat in the corner of his bedroom, his knees pulled up to his chest so tightly he thought his legs would snap. Peter wanted to rip all his hair out or punch a hole in the wall or hold his head underwater until he was nothing but an obituary and a headstone. His chest burned and the pit of despair inside his chest had overtaken his system, and he hated himself with a burning passion. Why did he do that? Why did he do that? Why the fuck did he do that?

Peter Maximoff had his breakdown in solitude, revealing in the fact that he was, undeniably, the villain of his own life.

As it turns out, ‘getting his shit together’ is much harder than Peter originally anticipated. He's trying, he really is, but it's hard. Especially without you there. Peter knows that he fucked up, and he knows that he needs to work for your forgiveness. And don’t worry, he’s going to work for it.

It had only been a week, but the entire mansion could tell that something was off. Life just wasn’t the same without the randomized gusts of wind that would knock people off their feet; no one had been seriously injured or had something stolen from them. The whirlwind that was mansion life, while still chaotic, lost it’s fun.

Charles tried to keep things running smoothly, but he was an old man and didn’t exactly understand you and Peter. People would knock on your door every now and then, but you didn’t answer. You were much too busy analyzing exactly how much of a bitch you were being-- realistically, the answer is 0%, but you didn’t see it that way. No, from your perspective, you saw Peter having a mental breakdown and you ditched him. Pretty shitty move.

What you didn’t realize was that Peter was doing the exact same thing, however, the blame falls mostly on his shoulders, and boy does he know it. He’s been scripting his grand apology, trying desperately to find the right words to express exactly how sorry he is. Peter was never very good with words-- it’s always too hard to know if you’re going to say the wrong thing and mess everything up. Although, it’s hard to see how the scenario could get any worse.

He made the executive decision to start with “I’m sorry”-- a solid start to any apology. Sure, he could stop there, but Peter realized that he’d probably need more to win back his partner. So, he managed to scribble down a few more lines on a tiny notecard he was supposed to use for studying. Oh, what a wondrous redemption arc this would be; Peter gets into a fight with his wonderful partner and ruins their relationship and then struggles to come up with a coherent apology.

“I’m sorry about what I said, that was shitty. I shouldn’t have said that.” Peter’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration. God, he was going to die alone, wasn’t he? Maybe this is the cruel punishment the world is dealing to him, the universe is deciding that Peter’s redemption arc would be better if it, well, didn’t exist. Even so, he isn’t planning on giving up or giving in just yet.

He scrapped what he had so far and started at the beginning once again. His 9th grade english teacher would tell him to write about what he knows, and though he doesn’t know much, he’s an expert when it comes to himself. Peter knows how he feels about you, he knows how sorry he is, and he knows that he really, really, really wants you to know that he didn’t mean a word he said about not wanting you. Peter knows about love, at least a little bit, and he realizes he’ll need more than just words.

His mind drifts to that night, years ago, in front of the fireplace. He vividly remembers a tiger lily and a chameleon scribbled in the margins of your book. Realistically, Peter couldn’t get his hands on a chameleon, but a tiger lily was a different story. In high school, Peter took a botany course because he thought it’d be easy. It wasn’t, it was boring as all hell, but it seems like his slacking paid off. He knew tiger lilies were indigenous to Asia, but they’d become quite common along New England-area roadways.

Peter grabbed his jacket and took off, tearing through the roads like his life depended on it. In less than 10 minutes, Peter found himself in the middle of New Hampshire drenched in rain. In hindsight, he probably should’ve checked the weather before leaving. Nevertheless, he takes off into the small wooded area that laid passed the road’s end. Dozens of mushrooms dotted the muddy ground and mossy rocks clouded his peripheral vision. The rain begins to lighten as he spots a bright orange tiger lily peeking through the remains of a tree stump. He sprints over to it.

The tiger lily is bloomed and beautiful and Peter can’t tear his eyes away from the wide array of speckles and splotches and color. It’s pristine, but some of the petals are torn or wilting. The roots stretch into the stump below it, and Peter leans closer. The stump is old and worn, fungi and bugs eat away at the base next to a large hole where a family of worms reside. The stump is ugly, sure, but it’s useful. It helps keep the bugs fed and keeps the worms warm. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but Peter is too distracted to find it.

He gently picks the flower and spins on his heel, taking off once again. The rain makes it harder to run, but it’ll take a lot more than water to stop Peter. By the time Peter gets back to Xavier’s the flower is a little crushed, but it’s still somewhat pristine.

He has the flower, he has the apology, and now all he needs is courage. Thankfully, that courage comes quickly as he instinctively knocks on your bedroom door. He probably should’ve stopped to collect himself, but he was riding a wave of adrenaline that wouldn’t come back.

“Go away, Jean,” You called from inside. You sounded tired, and it made Peter sad.

“It’s-- uh-- it’s not Jean,” Peter can hear your hesitant footsteps approaching the door, and suddenly the courage he managed to build up drained. His hands are shaking by the time you open the door. You look up at him, and Peter looks back at you, and suddenly everything is much harder to do. He looks down at his feet.

“Hi.” Your voice is hoarse, but clear.

“Hi.” Peter’s voice is uneven and quiet. You stand there in silence for a minute before Peter pipes up again.

“So, uh, you’re probably still mad at me and I get that, but I just want you to hear me out. I-If that’s okay,” You nod slowly, and Peter takes a deep breath. He thinks about the written apology that sat in his coat pocket, and he makes the last-minute decision to forget about it. He’ll speak from the heart, or, whatever people in rom-coms do.

“I’m sorry. It was really shitty of me to get angry at you because you were worried about me-- although, I guess shitty is an understatement. Everything that I said about, yknow, not wanting you or Charles or anyone else around anymore wasn’t true. I need you guys, and I love you guys and it was unfair of me to push you away. Solitude really sucks. I guess I’m just not very good at navigating relationships,” He exhales, and his chest shudders. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I just thought I should make it clear how I feel.” It’s only then that he remembers about the tiger lily in his hand. “Oh, and this is for you.”

“A tiger lily?” you smiled softly. “These are my favorite-- how did you know?”

“I’m just observant, I guess. You usually draw them when you’re bored, I figured you’d like to see one in person,” You gently took the tiger lily in your hand. The silence that hung in the air was deafening, and Peter realized that was probably a bad sign. His chest drops just a bit, and he takes a small step backwards.

“I guess I should probably leave you alone--” Peter can’t get very far, because you immediately jump forward and wrap your arms around him. Eyes wide and heart pounding, you can feel Peter’s arms lock around your waist.

“Thank you,” You whispered. “Please don’t go.” Peter was smiling so hard his cheeks ached, and a horrible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The close-contact was refreshing; he didn’t realize how much he missed it until that moment. He was pretty sure he would never, ever let you go. Not again.

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- that is, until you came along. You proved to him that he deserved physical affection, that his mutation and his personality and weirdo quirks didn’t make him lesser or unlovable. Peter Maximoff deserved love, and you were the one who never failed to love him.

You sat on a wooden chair in front of the fireplace, reading to the group of children sitting at your feet. The emotional lines of “Snow and Dirty Rain” fell from your lips, and with every turning syllable the small group would listen just a little bit closer. Peter did, too, desperately trying to hear every single word you said. Class was almost over, and once the students were dismissed you’d probably stop reading.

“I made this place for you. A place for you to love me. If this isn't a kingdom then I don't know what is,” Your eyes tore away from the page to look at the kids at your feet. They fell upon Peter, and a smile erupted on your face.

Peter vaguely recalls the twisted idea of love that he held as a teenager. He thought love was a dragon to be defeated, a battle that could be won or lost. It’s clear now that love is the opposite-- it isn’t a fight or a battle or a thing to be conquered. It’s more like a flower; it needs to be cherished and cared for in order to grow. Sometimes the flower wilts and dies, and that’s natural, but sometimes the flower lasts for a lifetime.

Love wasn’t a dragon or a knight, it didn’t have a hero or a villain; it was much more like a tiger lily and a tree stump.

#Evan Peters #peter maximoff #pietro maximoff #pietro maximoff x reader #peter maximoff x reader #wandavision #xmen fanfiction #xmen

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cloudycrystalkpop · 3 years

Text

SMOKY | Hell Below

Blind! Prince! Mingi x [unstated skin deformity] fem! reader

Words: 2k+

Warnings: self harm, possessiveness, demonic interaction

au: crown royal au | moodboard

series masterlist: SMOKY

Seonghwa paced back and forth in front of your door. He was placed on guard duty this evening and it was slowly torturing him.

Normally he would never complain, more than happy to forgo his own rest to know that his princess slept safe and sound. However, he was very aware that at the moment, his princess was not sleeping at all.

He gritted his teeth as he heard your voice moan out a name in pleasure. The name of your husband. A name that wasnt his.

Seonghwa squared his shoulders. He had made you a promise, one a very very long time ago.

When he was the man having you sing such pretty praises. When he wrote his name in calligraphy with his tongue between your thighs.

A promise he painted into your skin, one very late night. Kissing every patch that made you shy. Every inch that your family frowned upon. Every piece you had ever wanted to burn off.

"I will protect you, until the day my heart stops beating, And surely even after."

he is more than just a knight. No, after holding you, bare as the day you were born, shaking in his arms. After the words of hate and disgust at the case your very soul lived in, at watching you take blades to try and peel the unwanted flesh away, he would never ever let you hurt yourself again.

He would never abandon you, even if you took his heart right out of his chest, it was always yours anyway.

Seonghwa held his head in his hands. He was always yours anyway.

"They sure are loud huh?" Seonghwa jumped and reached for the sword on his belt at the voice.

"Sorry, bad night?" Hongjoong asked, standing before the heartbroken man.

"Yeah just, stuck in my own head." Seonghwa admitted. The other man nodded, scanning him with curious eyes.

"You and your princess sure are, close." he stated. The words curled on his tongue, watching Seonghwa flitched as the sound of a high pitched groan came from the lover's room.

"We... Used to be." he replied.

"I see. Makes sense why youre not so fond of that Duke." he quirked an eyebrow, a sly grin pulling at his features. "Hey, you wanna know a secret~" the man purred.

"Not tonight Hongjoong. Im not in the mood for your teasing." Seonghwa frownd.

"Hmm~ if you say so." his smile pulled into a playful childlike one, before Hongjoong skipped off down the hall, leaving Seonghwa alone with his thoughts once more.

Hongjoong purred to himself as he glanced over his shoulder as the knight stood at the lovers door. Lust is a very powerful tool in his bag of tricks, one that, it looks like, will do him very, very well.

you spent your days now often with Yeosang, his experience and wisdom helping you greatly in easing your nerves. he told you many stories, explained much about the kingdom you had never dared to venture around in.

whenever you did leave your family's estate, it was always with Seonghwa as your loyal guard. a long veil to hide you away from the world, or heaven forbid you simply, existing taint your family name.

you remembered the day The King died. he was an old man, had been sick for years. while not beloved by his people, he was well respected, and yet. when he passed, no one knew anything about him. there was no mourning, for there was no loss.

The Queen had fully stepped into power then, ten years younger than her husband she was more than capable of leading. and so it had been since your early teens. The Queen was now however, ready to pass her power, rather than see it out live her too, just like her husband.

and that, was where the crown prince and princess had come in. the pair lost at sea in a tragic shipwreck, the kingdom scrambling to find a new replacement. you and Mingi were nobles, sure. second rate royals even, your father once a prince, a second born. Mingi was next in line to become a Duke, chosen over Yeosang for your hand in marriage for, such a trivial reason. or so you thought.

“my family comes from the Valley, My Lady. Lord Mingi’s comes from the Sea.” Yeosang explained, an, almost forlorn look in his eye. “when yourself and your husband were married, it showed a joining of the land and the sea. loosening trade deals with other lands, its... business I'm afraid.”

“that’s all marriage is good for after all anyway. its just business.” you gazed off out the window, watching the roses sway in the morning breeze. the garden was beautiful, flowers in full bloom.

“I’m sorry you feel so my lady. but, you must admit how darling and romantic an idea it is.” Yeosang followed your gaze.

“to be married?” you wondered.

“the prince of the sea, wed to the princess of the forest. and a man who cannot see, tied to a woman never allowed to be seen.” he hummed softly.

“sounds like a horrible tragedy of a play to me.” you shook your head, eyes falling to your lap. “I should have a word with the playwright.”

“would you have preferred a different ending?” Yeosang wondered, dropping his head down to force you to look him in the eye. you chuckled, watching the corners of his eyes crinkle in a smile.

“I haven't decided.” you answered. “...are the flowers in the valley in bloom this time of year?” you asked.

“oh yes. the wild flowers were always my favorite as a boy. my sisters and I used to go out and make crowns out of them.” his voice was soft, eyes far away. caught in a memory from boyhood.

“...will you take me there some time, Yeosang?” his gaze focused back on you once more.

“if you wish to see it My Lady.” he grinned. “I will braid you a crown so lovely the royal jewels will be jealous.”

“promise me?” your voice betrayed you. a crack of pain hidden away there.

such a very different ending you could have had. one where you could spend your life safe, hidden away from the judgment and piercing eyes your mother always frightened you of. flowers in your hair, children at your feet, a husband who could provide for your every need. free to play in the forest of your childhood. there was no judgment from the trees, nor would you find it in the open fields.

“you have my word... My Lady.”

but your life was no fairy tale. you were to be queen of a kingdom you barely knew. sure, you had a husband, a man to wear the title of “king”, but both you and Mingi knew, the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

“My little Prince~” you called to the darkness of the room as you returned to your chambers for the evening. “Mingi?” you cooed once more, looking around for the tall man.

“we need to talk.” you nearly screamed, the voice was not your husband’s. upon turning on your heel, you came face to face with...

“Seonghwa! you nearly had me jump out of my skin!” you huffed, smacking the man on the side of his arm.

“hey! I'm sorry I scared you but, I'm serious.” he sighed, rubbing his arm.

“very well.” you huffed, seating yourself on the plush bed and waiting for his explanation. Seonghwa shuffled, changing his weight from one foot to the other, gaze fixed on the floor. “well? when did you become so awkward?”

“since I had to listen to you having sex for hours last night.” he growled. your ears glowed hot, but you choked the embarrassment down.

“I am sorry, I'm sure that was a bit.. uncomfortable-”

“you don’t get it do you, Princess.” he lifts his eyes to meet yours. “I love you.”

a lump forms in your throat. you do not move, only stare him down, unblinking, unreactive.

“I have been in love with you for almost five years now. I was the one who took your virginity, I was the one who held you when you cried, I was the only who protected you from the evils of this world. and I-” his voice cracked. Seonghwa, your loyal knight in shining armor, the one who had been by your side for the better half of your life, was in tears before you.

“I love you! I'd do anything for you! I've been with you since you were just a young girl! I've stood beside you through everything! and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me anymore!” his eyes sparkled with tears, cheeks damp and voice horse.

“... I-” you never got a chance to finish your thought as the door swung open once more.

Mingi stood in the doorway, blank eyes staring straight ahead of him, his face blank of any emotion.

“get. out. of. our. room.” never had you heard the intimidation in Mingi’s voice before. his voice rumbled deep in his chest, but his tone now, was that of a final, deadly warning.

Seonghwa stared at Mingi, shoulders taught, fists clenched. but he didn't say a word.

“...you are dismissed Seonghwa.” you finally broke the tense silence between the two man.

“as you wish, My Princess.” Seonghwa made his way towards the door, stepping past Mingi, only to be halted by said man shoving him against the wood, hard.

“if you dare, to even think of touching my wife, if even the thought of her in such context even passes your mind,” he growls. “I will have you executed for adultery.”

Mingi stepped away from a very shocked Seonghwa.

“she may be your Princess, but she will be your Queen. and never, for a moment forget, she will only be your queen, and she is my wife.” and with that he slammed the door shut.

Mingi developed a possessiveness over you, you must admit you didn’t expect. the once shy boy who could barely speak to you, now kept one hand on your person at all times you were together. when asked he said he preferred you guide him over a staff member. but you know by now Mingi knew this castle perfectly fine. he didn't need help or a guide anymore. he was lying.

he also got rather upset if you were left alone with another person too long, without himself or his chosen guard close by. his chosen guard? Hongjoong.

you woke one morning to find bruises so deep on your hips and chest they looked like black ink in the mirror. Mingi was marking you now. like you were something that belonged to him.

knowing who you needed to speak with, you snuck away one morning, before the sun rose. to find Hongjoong.

“your highness! what a pleasant surprise~” the handsome man cooed.

“may I speak with you? in private.” you glanced to the rest of the guard, Seonghwa the only one not meeting your gaze.

“oh? absolutely. please, come with me.” Hongjoong lead you out into the gardens, just as the first touches of dawn peeked over the skyline.

“alright creature. out with it. what have you done to the prince.” you growled, arms crossed as you glared at Hongjoong.

“such mean words from the ‘princess’ herself~” he smiled a grin, one a little too long and a little too wide for his face.

“why are you here?”

“what a stupid question! you already know that answer~ otherwise you wouldn’t have asked to speak to me, alone.”

“fine, who summoned you?”

Hongjoong chuckled, one in tone too deep for the voice he speaks with. “the dead king of course. but that was a long time ago you see.”

“speak to me truthfully creature, did you make a deal with Mingi?” you glared him down. while your experience with his kind was limited, you understood the one true weakness they had. they cannot directly lie.

Hongjoong grinned once more, that same unnatural once, the one that extended too far up his face, showing teeth a human man wouldn’t have. his eyes crinkled at the edges in the grin, the white parts of his eyes turning dark as a bruise.

“no.”

you held back a whimper at his voice. inhuman. demonic. bloodcurdling.

“...thank you. you are dismissed.” you blinked, and the man was back as he was. charming smile and handsome features glowing once again in the dawn.

“as you wish, your highness.” and with that, he walked back into the castle. leaving you alone in the garden, a ring of dead grass surrounding where the pair of you had stood.

#mingi x reader #smoky au #prince au #demon au #knight au #seonghwa x reader #yeosang x reader #Hongjoong x reader #mingi au #Seonghwa au #Yeosang au #Hongjoong au #Ateez x reader #Ateez au #Ateez sereis #mingi series #royal au #fantasy au

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

me, nodding of to sleep: IM HERE IM HERE

did my head just loll to the side? you will never know. first of all this chapter was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. Mavid have my HEART. It's also 4 16 am so im sorry if the reactions are a little bland but this was PERFECT.

me, throughout the whole thing: mavid mavid mavid

They had kissed for the first time almost a week ago. And they had kissed again. A couple of times.

Okay fine, they had kissed a lot since then.

Not a lot a lot. But a lot.

Wait a minute. How much kissing was a lot of kissing?

this is adorable

“I heard he cried when he found out Lexi and Liv were dating,” David chuckled.

yup that's jace

“We have to pay to talk on the phone?” Max asked incredulously. “I thought it was free.”

“Of course it isn’t free, Max!” David chuckled. “We have to pay for WiFi too.”

“This is ridiculous!” Max said. “Next you will say we have to pay for electricity.”

“Um, we do have to pay for electricity,” David chuckled again.

we pay for water too

but max you didnt know-

“Don’t let them guilt trip you!” Max had chastised. “They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”

cant relate nope

“I don’t know,” Max groaned. “My family is so dramatic.”

the lightwood-banes in one sentence

THERE ARE SO MANY FEELS MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN

“Well, too late!” Max announced. “This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.”

In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that.

nah its gonna be great

“Perhaps you should just take him to the New York Library. They have, uh, books.”

yes that is what they keep in libraries

OH MY GOD THE FRIEND IS ELYASS

HERE'S MY FAVORITE DEMON Y'ALL

His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice.

But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages.

well-

you know i really shouldnt have laughed at the demon attack news but for some reason i did

i blame my sleep deprivation

shit i feel sick

you know maybe i shouldve just waited till the morning...

ok but the demon attack is NOT coincidental

there is something going on

“I thought dragon demons were extinct!” Max yelled over the commotion.

well-

ANJALI

“Man, fuck the orders!” Max said in frustration.

if you get hurt ill kill you

oh it's not her

well fuck

“That was an Armani, you piece of shit!” Rafael yelled at the demon. Max almost laughed.

THE AUDACITY

It really did. Dragon demons smelled like they lived inside a boys locker room.

well that's nice to know

FUCK THEY ARE TALKING NOW???

ok what is going on

“Say the thing!!!”

“I’m not saying the damn thing, you maniac!”

“Say the thing!”

Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.

“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

LMAO THEM

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.”

Im so sleepy i cant even react to this

but THEM I CANT-

WHERE.IS.ALEC

Max wanted to laugh. Only David would worry about another person while being injured in the infirmary.

MUST BE PROTECTED

Max nodded; his throat still dry. He couldn’t stop staring at David. At the wound. At the blood.

Also, maybe the naked chest.

AHEM

OH MY GOD JAIME IS ALIVE

we're getting lightwood-bane fluff LET ME CRY

alec...

on one hand alec smoking is fucking hot BUT WITH THE MUNDANE DISEASES OH HELL NAH

“But it tastes so good when it’s from your plate!” Max said with a mouth full of food.

“Oh, you want my food? Here!” Rafael grinned and threw a piece of chicken at his face.

Max caught it with his mouth cause wasting food was a crime. “Thanks, bro!”

“You little s-”

HE CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH

“And no fighting over chicken!” Bapak pointed out. “We can always summon some more.”

“Order,” dad corrected. “We don’t summon. We order. And then we pay.”

“How do we destroy capitalism if we have to pay for everything?” Max asked.

Max has a point y'know

“That’s rich coming from someone who is wearing an Armani jacket,” Max stuck out his tongue.

“It was a gift!” Rafael said, furiously chewing on his chicken.

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked.

LMAO

Max: What even-

Max: Can shadowhunters get high on iratzes lol

CAN THEY???

David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!”

MOOD

PLEASE RAFAEL AND MAGNUS ARE LIKE "About time"

SAME THOUGH

“David is what you get if Dad and Uncle Jace and Uncle Jem had a baby.”

STOP NO

“Oh,” Max said. “Uh, David and I…We are dating.”

Dad choked on his coffee. “Excuse me?”

Bapak chuckled next to him. “Of course you didn’t know.”

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?”

“There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!”

There's alec. Yup

OH MY GOD NOT THE SEX TALK

good thing i had wattpad I MEAN-

“Kissing?” dad gaped. “On the mouth???”

“Um, where else would we kiss?” Max asked incredulously.

“Well, actually,” Bapa cleared his throat. “There are many ways you can enjoy-”

IM CACKLING

And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life.

Max decided he would rather get attacked by a hoard of dragon demons than sit through it any longer

“You guys know we have something called the internet, right?” Max demanded.

“Well, the internet can have mixed messages,” Bapak sniffed. “We on the other hand have real life experien-”

“Magnus!” dad looked red in the face.

“Fine,” Bapak sighed. “Now moving on to the importance of lubrication and-”

“I’m begging you to stop,” Max groaned.

THE NOISES WHICH LEFT MY MOUTH ARE NOT OK TO BE MAKING AT 3 30 AM

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.”

HE'S SO DRAMATIC

“Well,” dad said carefully. “David is…”

“French?” Max asked.

i blame my sleep deprived ass for laughing at this

next thing i know someone's being tortured and im laughing because i dont have sleep in my system

Max honey...

listen to him

i for one, dont want a repeat of pg 511 cols

oh he's finding out about the incident

that's what i call it

Max thought of all the stories he had heard then. The one of the warlock who killed people who he could bring back his dead girlfriend. The one about a nephilim mother who paired up with prince of hell to bring back her dead son.

oh yeah...

shudder

They called it The Jem effect.

AYYYYY

It was true. In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual.

very very valid. have a good day sir

AWW MAX DIDNT KNOW HE COULD BLUSH

you know it's a sign ive been watching b99 too much that i was imagining mina talking like gina...

pls send help

ALSO MINA BESTEST SDCHJDFVYDYUGFYUGFVDYVFD

“Can we not talk about my boyfriend’s sperm, please?”

im surprised my parents havent woken up by the sound i let out

BUT HEY THE DOOR'S CLOSED SO

SUGGENS MINA

“I’m hearing an inflated sense of self-importance,” he heard Ragnor call from the bathroom. “Is Magnus here?”

“Just the spawn,” Max called back.

THE SPAWN BYE-

“He is married to the Consul!” Tessa chuckled. “And one of his sons is a shadowhunter.”

“It’s still very bad for our reputation,” Ragnor grumbled. “He is too close with shadowhunters.”

“You are the headmaster of Scholomance!” Catarina said incredulously. “You teach nephilim! Even though you don’t need a job!”

“I was coerced!” Ragnor huffed. “Manipulated by the children of the angel.”

really ragnor?

The grin disappeared and Ragnor buried his face on Catarina’s shoulder. “I can’t go through this again, Cat! Not again!”

“So much for not taking up after his father, huh?” Catarina chuckled and looked at him. “That’s nice, Max. We are happy for you.”

“We are not!” Ragnor said in a muffled voice.

RAGNOR DJHDCUHUKIHDVVFDDB

OOOO MAX DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CAMILLE

a kind of endless love...

dont make me cry

“I know you are worried, love,” Tessa’s voice was a whisper. “You are worried about surviving after David. You are worried about your own heart. But you should never let that fear stop you from finding love. Because love is what sustains us immortals. It keeps us alive. When you love a mortal, you love them forever. You might not remember all the memories. The colour of their eyes or the sound of their voice. But you will remember the love. You will carry that love inside you forever. It does not make you weak or fragile. It makes you stronger. And you will forever be grateful for it.”

my eyeballs are too tired to cry

stop it

THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM

bitch you hate children wtf-

Max laughed. “I’m going to kill dad for making us do this. God, this is so weird!”

better get it done now

HE'S DAVID'S FOREVER

dont do this to me at 4 am

“You should two should some spend time together. Get to know each other and all of that,” Max suggested with a smile. “Maybe you can bond over archery or something.”

“I’m pretty sure he would use me for target practice,” David mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, David!” Max said incredulously. “My father doesn’t need target practice!”

At this point, a David and alec scene isn't a want its a NEED

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do.

me throughout life

max Rafael isn't the one smoking-

OH MY GOD MY DAD JUST CAME TO CHECK ON ME THE WAY I SLAMMED MY LAPTOP

“Also tell him to stop smoking!” Max pointed out seriously. “It’s not good for his health! Especially with all the mundane illnesses going on.”

“I know, Max,” dad sighed heavily and blinked. “I mean, I’ll talk to him. For sure.”

Alec if anything happens to you...just know ill raise hell

“I don’t want easy,” David smiled. “I want you.”

IT'S 4 AM DUDE

AYYY THE SHANGHAI SHADOW MARKET

CELESTIAL PALACE

“Dad? The Consul? That dad?” David looked surprised and relieved all at once. “Oh my god, he doesn’t hate me!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.”

of course, he did

oh my god SLEEP. there is so much to do tomorrow dying...my grammar was really bad and I don't have what it takes to use Grammarly's corrections except for the ones it's already doing as type.

this chapter had my heart BURSTING!! AHHHHHHH

the talk was so important I'm so glad they took care of that. ok imma head to bed now BYEE

Eeeeeee this was a lot sfkjdfkd I hope you are okay. Get some sleep next time or I will call the police.

Thank you as always for reading, reacting and supporting 💚

#lbaf

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

Text

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

Whomst can write it?

Literally anyone as long as you

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here*

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD?

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective.

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD.

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it.

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD.

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts:

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far.

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples.

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought.

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions.

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them.

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form.

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain.

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain.

Again for clarity's sake

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything.

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks.

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered.

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience.

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object.

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds.

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful;

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses.

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that...

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars.

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity.

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture.

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ;

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD),

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment.

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations.

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses.

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that.

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety!

OCD according to NIMH statistics

1.2% Occurrence among US adults

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

Cyclops (Marvel)

#this took a lot of emotional energy and i am now terrified

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sarcastically-defensive17 · 4 years

Text

15 Minutes - P. Parker

So I’ve been stuck in a writing funk for so long, and I got inspired and I’ve been writing this for days until I got it just right and it made me sad and I hope y’all like it and I’ll defs get onto my requests more efficiently now!

TW: Death of loved one, torture, degrading language, abuse, sad Peter, grief, all round angst.

Original story by sarcastically-defensive-17

It was routine. Every day, three times a day. 6AM, 12PM and 5PM. He barely had the chance to recover. Psychologically. Emotionally. Physically.

The machine was cold. The dull grey of the sides reminded him of how alone he was. Deserted. Left for dead, he supposed. No word of contact from any outside source, no hope for a rescue mission. He lost count at 3 months in captivity.

Every single day he had to see her. Had to relive it all. He never once thought that he would physically be transmitted through time and space. The worst part, he knew the woman holding him hostage. One of the most intelligent people on the planet. An expert in Thermodynamics and - so he now discovered - a ruthless person fueled by grief.

A bell chimed followed by an alarm and blinding green light. The glass door swung across the machine, trapping him inside as he stood upright with no way out.

“5, 4, 3, 2...” the countdown rang out, and the green light intensified. His stomach spun, eyes clenched shut at the feeling he will never get used to.

He was back in his apartment. Clothes he hadn’t seen in a long time on his person, his hair a few inches shorter and his reflection almost a stranger to him as is stared back at him in the mirror of their bedroom.

The ringing of his phone was foreign, yet expected. Same schedule.

He lifted the device, holding it to his ear in the same way he had at least 100 times before. Including the day it first happened.

“Y/N,” he breathed. The only thing he enjoyed about the event was the chance to hear her voice again. The breath sigh through the receiver as she strolled through the bustling streets of New York, on his way to her.

“Hey, I cant wait to see you!” Her voice held excitement, the same he had heard over and over. It became his own self indulgent nightmare. He longed for her, he had never held her in this, but he could hear her and feel her near. He could see her laid out on the pavement...

“Me too,” he answered, feigning the joy he felt that day at the idea of her return. She had been in England for the past month and a half, working to quell a growing drug import/export ring. How little she knew that the same work she focused on would be her demise.

After all, she was an ex-cop turned badass avenger. She was known for fearing nobody.

“Im about 15 minutes away from home. I can’t wait to see you!” Peter couldn’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes as he rushed to get his shoes on.

In exactly 26 seconds, his signal would ring.

“Aren’t you a pretty little thing,” a voice snarled in the background of the call, followed by a clattering sound and a muffled shriek.

Peter pushed out a breath, putting his phone on loudspeaker and jumping out of his window.

He had no webs, no mask, no care. He had been over this scenario many times and wasting time with the spidey gear left less time to save her. When he tried it, he was met with her body slumped on the ground, blood flowing from her neck as she choked on the crimson liquid. He didn’t even have time to do the same to her attackers before he was pulled back to the present.

The actions must be damaging to the space time continuum, but the doctor had a lethal artifact in her possession, and she was prepared to do anything in her power to change events.

His ankles painlessly cracked as his feet hit the pavement below the window and he was off. He needed a new detour. He had tried many over the months, but a new one was running through his mind.

He cut down a side alley that would lead him around buildings and directly across from the alley she was pulled into. It was broad daylight in Queens yet nobody cared to see a young woman dragged away by three men.

Peter was just thankful that Y/N didn’t have to suffer in the original telling of the story.

He cut corners by vaulting from the walls of the alley way. He jumped over fences, dodged trash cans and even ignored an elderly lady who had dropped her groceries - a mistake he made by helping her in his first run through of attempting the detours.

He reached his destination in the form of a alley way decorated by versions items of graffiti. The bright colors stood out from the grey brick in the shape of various symbols. He and Y/N had often gone to that alley to observe the work of local street artists. She adored it.

As soon as the rubber toes of his shoes hit the mouth of the painted backstreet, a gunshot rang out and Y/N’s body slumped down on the other side of the busy road.

His heart broke once again at the sight.

He barely had time to step onto the road to get to her before the green light erupted in his vision again. His head reconnected with the thin cushioned pillow in the machine as a roar tore from his throat.

“Failure, once again.” The feminine voice snapped. “Always failing!”

Peters throat was sore. He had spent far too long screaming. His head was pounding, evidence of underfeeding and the sheer transference of his body through time.

He never expected to time travel. He knew how damaging it could be to change history, but here he was. Held against his will to save a woman that he loved so desperately. Forced to watch her death over, and over, and over. To hear her voice and feel the construction of his heart with the knowledge that he most likely wouldn’t be able to save her.

The physical pain of being returned to the day it happened and the image of her dead in various way seared into his mind. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw her.

The machine slid open, and a boney hand grabbed his face. He was far too weak to fight back, even with his powers.

The eyes of the doctor glared into him, bloodshot and poisoned by grief and ferocity, “Why are you such a failure? We have been doing this for 5 months! There has been no improvement. No chance of saving her, all because you are pathetic!”

“I’m trying,” he mumbled.

The hand left his face, leaving a biting cold in its wake. They always kept him in cold rooms. Part of the torture to encourage him to do better. After all, Peter believed just as the doctor did. He deserved the pain after what happened to Y/N. He should have protected her.

A loud bang echoed through the white room. The fury in the eyes of the Doctor made him almost shrink. He already felt miniature under her gaze, but somehow, he felt worse whenever he came back empty handed.

A hiss left her lips as she cradled the bony hand, Peter assumed she had hit something. “This happened because of you, Parker. You were the one she trusted the most. You were the one who she put her life on the line for countless times on your pathetic missions. You are the reason she is dead.”

“No,” he choked. It was a wet noise, his throat constricting as the mind games took hold again. His hands wove into his hair, tugging harshly. The action had quickly became a coping mechanism of his. He would do anything to distract himself from her words. “No, no, no, no. It wasn’t me. It was them. The gang. Not me.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” She hissed, the eyes staring down at him incredibly similar to the same glassy ones he saw every time he went back. “You were never good enough for her. You were always four steps behind her. Y/N deserved better than you.” The doctor stood up again, the expression on her face void of any emotion as she kept her steely gaze locked on his brown eyes. Her lips turned up at the corners slightly as she watched the tears fall down his face. Her back was straight, regaining the posture she often adopted when addressing those working for her, “Send him back again. Maybe if he does it right, I won’t need to be stuck looking at him in 15 minutes.”

“Ma’am, he needs time to rest. His body can’t handle such a short recovery time between jumps,” a random man in a lab coat told her. He - like Peter - cowered under her gaze.

“Send him back.” She growled with every word, pushing the door shut across the machine and walking back towards the other room.

The green light erupted again and he soon found himself in the same scene from before, although this time he emptied the contents of his stomach on the floor of their house.

His phone rang like clockwork, and he answered, placing it on loudspeaker and reciting the script he wrote for himself on the original date.

He slipped his web shooters onto his wrists before he left, following the same route as his last trip. Everything was the same, down to the exact way he dropped from his windows and bounded through the alley, although this time, he sent a web across the street, pulling himself forward into the alley way.

He collided into one of the men that had Y/N cornered, sending him crashing into the brick wall of the alley.

“Peter?” Y/N shrieked, doing her best to fight the other men off in the same way he had seen her do so in the past. Or, other pasts.

Two of the other men launched at him, both with blunt weapon and scuffed faces. As one swung high, the other swung low. His mind was centered on Y/N and his reflexes were working in overdrive, burning him out faster than anticipated.

It all came to a halt when the two men were on the ground and the sound of a blade slicing through flesh filled his ears. Y/N gurgled on her blood, eyes full of anguish as she stared at Peter with fear on her face.

He only had time to catch her body as she fell before the light overtook him once again.

The overly sterile room greeted him, sobs wracking his body. The door slid open once again and heels clicked against the tiled floor.

The malicious eyes watched him again.

“Please, no more,” he begged, knowing he would be on his knees if not for his fear of moving out of turn. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s torture.”

The hand returned to his face, a soft touch that lifted his wet face to look at the furious glare fixed on his being.

The doctor tutted, patronizing him. “Oh, honey. You think this is torture? You should see what I’m prepared to do to you if I need to spend another month doing this.” Her smile was pure evil, but her eyes held the depth of a woman mourning. The circles under her eyes and the deepening wrinkles fold of her grief, and despite the recurring pain, he felt for the woman. He wanted to apologize to her, had she not disregarded every apology that fell from his chapped lips.

“Please...” he whispered under his breath, feeling the hand leave his face and close the door once again.

“Send him back,” she announced to the other room before turning her attention back to him. “Save my daughter, Peter. Or you’ll wish it was you that died that day.”

The green light flooded his senses once again.

Tag List: @starshonerose @mantlereid @theanswertoeverythingisl0v3 @another-lonely-heart

#peter parker x reader #peter parker #spiderman #marvel #tom holland #tom holland x reader #peter parker angst #spiderman homecoming #spiderman far from home #mcu #Spiderman mcu

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tiefling-queer · 3 years

Note

For D&D character ask, for any and/or all of your characters;

1, 5, 8, 15, 23, 29, 64, 65, 69(Nice)

i’m gonna answer these for whichever characters have the most interesting answers, skipping some for repeats:

1. why did they choose their class(es)? their subclass(es)?

kip (wizard, school of necromancy): crisis of faith midway through grave cleric training, spurred on by him sucking at the whole cleric thing (9 wisdom babyyy) while also being a nerd (18 int babyyyy)

baylock (shadow sorcerer/rogue): the sorcerer part is a side effect from being born dead during a cataclysmic event that tore portions of the material plane asunder. the rogue part is because he got in with a bad crowd as a kid. he’s been gaining levels in sorcerer as he traverses the freaky magic wasteland, utilizes his magic more, and gets a little closer to death each time someone hits his squishy arcane caster frame too hard

izak (gunslinger, graveslinger): sometimes you’re a jaded teen-equivalent runaway bumming around the river kingdoms and some dude comes up to you and is like ‘im a neutral evil mercenary, but if you take this gun and learn to shoot, i can also be your dad’. and then later you’re a 20-something equivalent who just realized that you don’t actually want to be an evil mercenary so you run away again and this time some dude comes up to you and is like ‘i’m a priest of sarenrae and an exorcist, and if you believe you can be redeemed, i can also be your dad.’ and then you learn how to shoot ghosts so you can be useful while this guy teaches you about being a better person.

5. do they follow a higher power? what are their thoughts on divinity?

izak: (deep lore dump) izak’s family was, at one point, pious people, and it was some ancestor’s warped perception of what piousness is and what was worth sacrificing in the name of good that led to the entire mess that is izak’s face. izak’s a devout worshiper of sarenrae now and hopes to maybe be the assistance someone needs to put themselves on a better path the way brak was for him, but there’s still a part of him that believes that, because he’s a tiefling, he’s never going to really be saved, and that his soul will eventually belong to the asura it was promised to.

8. what are three songs that suit them?

sydel: buckets of blood by rufus rex (tw for self harm, link goes to spotify because i can’t find this track on its own on youtube), thank god that i’m not you by himalayas, and bruises by fox stevenson (full playlist here)

15. do they trust their party? why or why not?

kip: he trusts them with his life, he just doesn’t trust them to understand where he’s coming from. he’s hiding some really heretical opinions that he knows at least maya (the celestial warlock) won’t agree with. he doesn’t like to talk about his family trauma, his past, or anything that he thinks the party can use to cleverly deduce that the notes he’s been scribbling are about raising the dead and theoretical conduits, prices, and replacements for the soul (he’s a little paranoid and might be giving them more credit than they deserve)

baylock: baylock might trust morgran, but he doesn’t trust surina at all, not since she and the (presumed deceased) swashbuckler tried to use him as a scapegoat when they were being interrogated by evil government warlocks. and even then, he only trusts morgran to not leave him for dead. baylock’s a fiercely loyal person by nature, so he’s been trying to keep his party at arms length so he won’t be betrayed again. the closest he came to starting to trust them was right before he found out that they told the evil government warlock that they’d turn him in in exchange for their freedom when they were captured a while back (whether or not they actually intended to do so is irrelevant for baylock - he spent 5 years in prison after being his old thieve’s guild’s fall guy, he’s not about to let it happen again)

23. how do they feel about nicknames, titles, or labels that have been given to them? how do they feel about their name?

kip: kip’s given name is joffric ravenhall. he’s been going by the alias of ‘greenbough’ on the offchance that people have heard of his family or knew his father at some point, since he really doesn’t want to explain why he’s not a priest of the raven queen by now. ‘kip’, however, is what his family and friends call him, so it was a bit of a big deal to him when he told the party to call him kip, since he hadn’t been around anyone he considered family or friend in a few years. kip’s reeling a little bit over suddenly being called an ‘adverturer type’ - to him, he’s still just a transient weirdo who picks up odd jobs.

baylock: baylock craft’s name isn’t actually baylock craft (not yet anyway lol), he stole his late cellmate’s identity to take advantage of the jailbreak that came a few days too late. his name, ekleipsis caldor, isn’t exactly something he identifies with so much as what he was once called. his father never wanted him but got stuck with him when his mother bounced, so ‘caldor’ is more a formality than anything. ‘ekleipsis’ is the greek root of ‘eclipse’, for the eclipse he was born during - but moreso, ‘ekleipsis’ doesn’t mean ‘to be covered’ - it means ‘a disappearance or abandonment’. an event where the sun abandons the sky. baylock is a walking abandonment issue. he hasn’t taken a virtue name because he thinks it’s performative (which is where him officially taking the name ‘baylock craft’ as his name and not the identity of someone he’s pretending to be comes in - it’s the equivalent of naming himself for the virtue of rebellion without naming himself something stupid and embarrassing like ‘rebel’.)

izak: izak just got done being haunted by a ghost wizard who’s obsessed with names, probably because he’s had 4. izak was born dalethiel oakleaf back when he was an elf, but when he ran away after waking up as a tiefling he went by dally. then he was a mercenary for a while and his edgy mercenary name was viper. and then, when asked for his name by the cleric of sarenrae who rescued him in the wilderness, he said he didn’t have one worth giving, so the cleric told him he’d just call him izak then. that’s who izak is now, as far as he’s concerned, or at least who he wants to be. as he told the ghost wizard who tried to torment him with his birth name, that’s not his name anymore. dalethiel oakleaf was a young elf who died on his 50th birthday. izak’s got a perfectly good name, given to him by a kind man, and he doesn’t want to think about the time in his life he went by dally or viper.

karif: karif always introduces himself formally with his full name, in the family-given-familiar name pattern - ‘ixenvari karifgethisk fraurirthos, er, but you can just call me karif.’ this is because karif’s nickname, fraurirthos, the one his childhood friends and family call him, translates from draconic literally to ‘breathes secrets’. his nickname is snitch. he’s a little embarrassed about it. but ‘karifgethisk’ is a bit of a mouthful for those who don’t speak draconic, so shortening it to ‘karif’ suits fine.

29. who would they save? who would they be saved by?

this has been a tough one, i’m not sure how to answer it for anyone.

64. do they value mercy or justice more?

kip: this honestly depends on his mood and your definitions of both ‘mercy’ and ‘justice’. he’s very easily led away by his emotions - both pity and compassion that could sway him to lean more towards mercy, and rage that tends to harden his heart and clear his head. he’s more than down to torture someone if he deems them evil, and he’ll destroy creatures like aberrations, fiends, and undead without a second thought, but he views life as a very precious thing - even when torturing an evil demon-summoning spellcaster, he still was trying to find ways out that resulted in that spellcaster getting out alive. this has come back to bite the party in the ass, since it was kip’s insistance that the party not kill all the guards on their little anarchy stunt that got them blackmailed to infiltrate the evil army of darkness, which is something he most certainly DOES NOT want to do.

65. what is holding them back?

kip: kip’s hang-ups about the soul and how he was raised are holding him back from becoming a stronger necromancer, while his grief and refusal to accept mortality hold him back from possibly still being some flavor of raven queen follower.

baylock: baylock’s hesitance and confusion over what he wants are holding him back from either fully embracing the rebellion or ditching it to get vengence

izak: izak’s self-loathing and fear of himself hold him back from interacting with people and forming meaningful relationships outside of the handful of people who’ve found out he’s a tiefling.

69 (nice): how would they describe their party members?

kip:

maya is... complicated. kip admires her pragmatism and her faith - it reminds him of his older sister, and he’s been missing that rock in his life. however, he butts heads with her a lot, because he finds her cold duty-bound outlook to be pointlessly cruel.

meera is wicked smart and talented, if a little misguided at times. he’s very big brother protective of her, always trying to offer her his dagger because ‘it’s a nice dagger’ (it’s +1)

amity is a good kid, and smarter than some may give him credit for. he’s fun to be around, and usually a level-headed presence, which makes it even more surprising just how ok he is with killing.

baylock:

morgran is an asshole, but is also probably the only person in the group who believes in this whole rebellion thing, so that counts for something. he’s decent people, can probably be trusted to see a mission through and not do anything completely stupid, but since he’s decent people he’s probably going to insist on staying on this path of lunacy with delusions of ‘taking down the Summit’. also, morgran shouldn’t be allowed to talk to anyone they meet, because he’s an asshole, and doesn’t bother pretending to be personable like baylock does.

surina is insane. she’s deranged, like everyone who tries to live outside the sanctums is. also just racist at times. when their cover gets blown or when they get mixed up with people they should be talking down, she’s gonna be the reason they all get killed.

porthos is was an idiot and a liability and just proved him right by running off and doing something rash and probably getting himself killed and also maybe compromising the whole rebellion which baylock doesn’t care about, so why does he feel like he should have done more to stop Porthos’ demise?

#really excited about these questions! thanks anon!#emo poetry #ask games #Anonymous #sorry this one took longer than the others #ask game from 3 billion years ago

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bexterbex · 4 years

Text

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 64

Warning, PLEASE CHECK TAGS IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THEN DON’T READ. | Tag lists are closed | INBOX OPEN

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Will tag as I go along, Will update tags, Slow Burn, Influenced by Star Trek and other Sci-Fi themes, References to We Happy Few, Tons of References and quotes to George Orwells 1984 see if you can find them all, The First Order is the new Big Brother, but who is really surprised, Blatant Nazi Symbolism, Interrogation Themes, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Really just drawn out Slow Burn, Don’t repost without permission, Torture themes, Suggestive Themes, Execution themes, Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Controlling Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Possessive Kylo Ren, A character shamelessly based on Zelda

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 64: Empty

You felt the weight of his presence in your mind leave you, slowly dissipating like smoke in a room. “I shall leave for now, but if the pills don’t work, and she is too weak to guard herself it will leave me no choice but to protect her.” His hand came to your crown, almost as if he was trying to physically caress your mind with his own hand.

Your head felt rather empty without him there. The rational part of your brain, the one that always had its own personality, the fire that kept you going, was now reduced down to not much more than a lamp flame. Your wildfire was almost completely snuffed. Your spark was almost gone.

“How do you feel, m’lady,” asked Dr. Dabrini. Kylo remained silent. He removed his hand from you.

You lifted your head, trying to avoid meeting Kylo’s direct piercing gaze, your sight still blurry from your tears. You tried to focus on the doctor, trying to meet his analyzing but gentle gaze. “I don’t know. Better I guess, but I don’t feel the same as before,” your lips trembled as you spoke, afraid to know the truth of what was happening to your mind. You felt the hollowness of your own mind and the heaviness of your heart.

The doctor came to kneel next to you; you knew that he would be able to see into your mind as Kylo could. He could ask questions, but that was only so good. He couldn’t feel what you were feeling. “What do you feel, m’lady? Can you describe it?” His voice quieter than before, like he wasn’t wanting to scare you off.

“I feel… empty, like what was there before isn’t now. It isn’t completely gone, but it is mostly gone. My heart is heavy and my head is light, but not in a good way? I don’t know how else to describe it.” Because in truth, you couldn’t—not really. How would you explain that a part of yourself was now gone?

You felt the bed shift as Kylo stood up, his back to the both of you.

The doctor glanced at him before he spoke to you again, “I cannot guarantee that the missing pieces of you will ever return m’lady. I do know that you should spend some time reflecting on what is still there, the memories, emotions, thoughts, and figure out how to move on with them. I know that it might not be ideal and that it may scare you, but there is nothing that I can do to bring them back. What I can do is give you dreamless sleep tonight.” You could hear the sincerity in the doctor’s voice. You could tell that he wasn’t happy, that he couldn’t do more for you. His face was full of grief and sympathy.

You nodded and looked at Kylo, whose back was still turned to you, with clenched fists. You wondered what he was thinking. How he felt about taking so much from you? How did he feel knowing he hurt you again? He broke his promise, but with good intentions. He was trying to protect you after all, wasn’t he?

The doctor glanced between you two before standing, “You know all that I can offer you. Tonight I will have a sleeping pill delivered, and tomorrow we can discuss its effectiveness. But for now, this is all that I can offer, and I shall leave you two alone to discuss our findings.” Dr. Dabrini then stepped out of the room.

Kylo had yet to move a muscle, his hard rigid back creating a wall between you. You didn’t know if it was protecting you or if it was keeping you out.

Your voice was small and broken, “Kylo?”

He turned to you, “He’s right. I must speed up my plans, our plans.” He then glanced down the hall, to where you did not know. “I will do what I must to protect you. They will be eliminated and soon. I do not want to take over you, but I will if it means keeping you by my side. Do you understand?” His voice became hard, his cauldron eyes ablaze with cascading emotions. Currents of dark painful water that you knew you could not swim against.

You did not want to lose yourself, but neither did he. Leia did not want to hurt you, she just wanted him home, Ben home not Kylo. But Rey, Rey would harm you to get Ben to come home, to leave you so he could be with her. Ben not Kylo. Ben the weaker half. “Yes.” You looked up to his face, and attempted to get up to meet him,

He moved to meet you on the bed. He drew you into his arms. “I will be fully yours then. Won’t I?” You searched his face for an answer.

“Yes, if I complete my task, you will be mine alone. Ben Solo will no longer exist. But you will be stuck with a broken monster.” His hand came up to move your hair behind your ear. You were a mess after this whole ordeal but there were more important things to worry about.

“So if you do this there will be no more you or him?” You didn’t know if that scared you or thrilled you. You thought all the gentle moments you two shared may not have been him, but you couldn’t be sure.

He brought your wrist up to his lips, and kissed his name gently, for the first time in weeks. “Yes, if that is what you want.”

Your heart pounded at the gentleness of it all. You were two equally broken people clinging to each other, to mend yourselves whole. Two souls that were chosen from the galaxy to intertwine. Where one couldn’t survive without the other?

“I don’t want to be hurt by this tug-of-war anymore. I want you Kylo, just you. Ben Solo betrayed me, by not protecting me, by leaving me defenseless to attacks, but you have tried to protect me. You only harm me when you fight him, so the fight needs to end.” It was partially true, he was a monster, but he was fighting against himself and his slashes were hitting you in the process. You needed to figure out who the monster was, so you could fix him. Train him to be your hound. Once you were Empress. A monster only you could understand, a monster that you were created to love.

“Then I will have to leave you, to kill him. To kill them. You are MINE,” the monster growled. “I will not let them have you, I will not let him win.” His lips crashed harshly against yours, biting your lip as they did. Teeth scraping and rough, this was him, this was Kylo. “And when I win, you shall be Empress,” he snarled into the kiss. A rough lover, one with intense passion, that ignited heat within you.

His sharp teeth nipped, and he sucked down your neck, marking you as his and his alone. His nose guided his lips back up to your ear, “As much as I would like to play with you Kitten, we have a meeting to get to, one that will help us accomplish our goal,” he gave you one last harsh nips to your lips as you broke apart. His arms sliding under you as he stood, carrying you to your dressing room where Adlez and Olivia-Rose were waiting to fix you.

“You have ten minutes to make her presentable,” he then set you down in front of your vanity. A harsh bruising possessive kiss to your lips before he left you into their care.

You glanced at your reflection in the mirror. You looked like and felt like hell. Your appearance made it seem as if you just got out of an active war zone, out of a fight for your life. Adlez and Olivia-Rose buzzed around you with such a speed you hadn’t witnessed before. Adlez carefully but quickly put your hair back into place and started assisting Olivia-Rose in covering the dark circles under your eyes, and the fresh love bites along your neck. You were then pulled to the armoire where your dress was practically ripped off you and then promptly replaced. Almost as soon as you were placed for inspection in front of the full-length mirror, there was a loud knock on the door. Time was up.

If you hadn’t started to move you were sure that Adlez would have ripped the door out from its pocket in the wall and screamed at Kylo. But you made it to the door before she did. Your body moving on a sort of autopilot. Once the door opened an arm pulled you out into the hall and started walking you out of your chambers. He was moving with a purpose and taking you with him.

You walked down the halls until you reached the familiar conference room from the day before. Kylo sat you down in your seat as he stalked to the head of the table. You could see that it wasn’t just a few members of the High Command present like Hux had said before, it was everyone. Well, some were holocommuting in, but still all members were present in some form.

Everyone seemed to be on edge. Kylo’s mood resonating to each individual person. Hux was the first to speak, “You called for this meeting Supreme Leader? Have things changed?” You could hear the uneasiness in his usually confident voice. His eyes reflected that same fear as he gazed upon the black monster in front of him.

“Yes, the plans have changed. Things have changed. The need to kill the scavenger and General Organa has become more important, more immediate. It needs my full attention. I shall leave sometime tomorrow to complete the task.” His voice through his mask is more menacing than ever.

“But we do not know where they are,” said Pryde. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say as Kylo shadowed towards him. His dark threatening black form seemed impossibly large.

He brought his face to be level with Pryde’s holo one. “Do you doubt my abilities, General Pryde?” You could hear the taunt, like a hyena’s laugh, only more deadly.

You watched the general swallow, to what you could only assume to be a dry mouth. His lips trembled in fear as his hologram eyes met the chrome of Kylo’s mask. “No, Supreme Leader, I do not.”

Kylo’s mask was less than an inch from the projection before he said, “Good.” He then stood back up to his full ominous form as he tracked back to the head of the table, “we wouldn’t want tradition to doubt authority and the ability of the Force.” You could hear the direct jab at Pryde’s pride. “After all, I am my grandfather’s heir apparent. Am I not,” his head whipped around to meet Pryde’s gaze.

“Yes, Supreme Leader, you are. You shall exceed Lord Vader’s legacy,” you could practically smell the fear through the hologram. You could certainly see the sweat forming on his brow, anyway.

Kylo lifted his head in a mock approval before he haunted around your side of the table before stopping next to you, “Once I return, Lady Ren will assume the position of Empress. And you will all be prepared for this. All preparations will need to be prepared. As neither of us will wait.” His hand rested on your shoulder.

“Preparations will begin immediately,” responded Hux.

“Would you like for the ceremony to take place back on Earth? Or shall it be somewhere else,” asked General Parnadee.

“Where would you like the ceremony to be held,” asked Kylo. He was speaking to you and you alone. The rest of the room waiting on your answer.

“How about somewhere new, somewhere important to you maybe? There is no use going back to my planet, is there?”

“As you wish,” responded Kylo.

“There is your grandfather’s castle on Mustafar m’lord,” said Hux.

“Yes, send preparations there. We are finished here.” With that, he guided you back up, escorting you back down the halls to your chambers. To be alone with him once again. To see the monster behind the mask, to learn about him. To love him, to mend him.

#kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren imagine #kylo x reader #kylo x you #star wars #first order #star wars imagine #Star wars soulmate au #sw first order imagine #star wars first order #a soul to mend his own

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cawcawpeasants · 4 years

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Hi it's me I'm new but can you do one we're asta joins the Dark triad and how whould they treat him I know it's stupid but I couldn't think of any thing else

Hey there love. Thank you for all your kind messages, they really made me happym so I wanted to return your kindness by getting my butt out of this slump!! And sorry for the wait, I was on an excavation, but now I have Internet again and I had a long time to think about this.

So, this could be a relly great Idea for a kickass AU work. Like, what if Asta met the dark triad early on in the story, lets say even before the magic knights entrance exam. Canonically he met Fanzel around that time, too, so we’re even going to place this happening before all that.

It starts with the big What If the Spade people had their Informationnetwork better under control and had way better spies than they appear to have right now (cause yall, how coukd they have missed Asta. He was in the Newspaper for gods sake. How bad a spy do you have to be to miss that? And for a warmongering nation, they really are way too uninformed about strenghts and their enemies. Little pet peeve of mine.)

BUT! Now, they hear of this kid who got a great and strong grimoire in a place where that doesnt happen. First they hear all about Yuno and are like, yeah, okay, new blimp on the radar, we gotta calculate this new potentially powerful enemy in, and then they get the news of Asta and how he came to have a weird and shady 5 leaf clover grimoire. And now at least Dantes interest is piqued.

So, they decide to check it out, cause who might that be? Which Demon has found a new host? And how did it happen without them hearing about a big catastrophic event in Clover, which is usually Zagreds, the word demons, preferred method of getting what he wants,

Things are so interesting that the Zogratis siblings go on a road trip together, to find out more and maybe cause some menace on the way, in case they get bored. Its gonna be prime family bonding time!

They meet Asta under the skull, where he always trains, and they see him basically just lugging this big sword around but...not using either magic or the devils power. Something is weird here. Vanica also comments that the kid is kinda hunky with some nice features, but kinda veery very tiny, and she loses a bit of interest already. Zenon appreciates a dude who knows his workout, but the no magic factor makes him think of Asta as kinda weak, way too weak to be a Devil host, and he tells Dante that it might be a fluke, that their information was wrong, and that they should just go and find the responsible spy and torture him, for having them come out all this way just to see a kid play at being a knight and yell a lot.

Dante still has an uneasy feeling, that it might be a little more than just that, but he also has to agree that Asta has not shown any sign of devil powers, so he cant even ask lucifero which Demon slipped past their Network and got stranded in Clover, and this part of clover of all places too. Really, no self respecting lord of hell would do this to themselves, not even Zagred who maybe got a little desperate over the millenia.

Just as they are about to turn and leave, a voice comes up to them, asking them what they are doing. and yes, it comes up to them, cause they are in their usual and very very stealthy and absolutely not suspicious manner flying half a kilometre over the ground, maybe a little to the left, so they are guarded by the shades of the columns, and bickering with each other about first going to torture the spies, or getting something to eat before that. Just ye normal roadtrip talks.

Anyways, Asta heard them or sensed them (my boys instincts are crazy, like damn), and his gut feeling tells him something is off wht the weirdly fancy dressed floating strangers with seemingly cold eyes and spade-symbols and regalia all on them. He might not be the smartest noodle in the pot, but even he knows when he sees people in a place they dont belong.

Yeah, so, from here on out things can go a great many ways, Zenon would probably suggest they get rid of him and also that would make at least for a little amusement for now. Vanica would probably agree, cause at least they would be doing ANYTHing but staying there and doing nothing but watch a little boy. Or they could get some snacks, shes kinda hungry, for the 300th time today.

Dante tho, he still wants his questions answered. So why not ask? He floats down towards Asta, and is all like, Hello there young man, that is a fine sword youre having there, pray tell where did you get that?

And Asta is like, wow, someone likes my sword? And this little angel boy just happily wants to help people, especially those 3 nobles who seem like they got hella damn lost (and not like they are a nightmare for many captains and Julius, I mean, can you imagine all the work thats gonna have to happen, when they find out that the dark triad can just enter Clover all willy nilly?? Oh, Marx is gonna haunt them with papers for months! And Augustus voice is gonna shriek through all the castle in that unbeliievable high octave about how useless they all are, and yeah, things just aint gonna be great, but Asta doesnt know, this blessed summer child is not the brightest light at times)

Cause sister lily and father Orsi raised him right he shows Dante all about his sword and his grimoire, and Dante sees it and probably goes like !!!. And then he knows that Asta really is a demons host, but he doesnt seem to have realized it himself. How strange. He tries to ask Asta a few questions, but the kiddo just really doesnt know a thing and after a while of talking around the topic, he tries the more direct route

“Say Boy, have you ever heard a Voice inside your head? Telling you things about your magic and what to do?”

“Yeah, Yuno says thats called thinking and that people should do that more often.”

“...right. But was there one besides the regular Voice you hear when you think?”

“No? Was there supposed to be one before I got the grimoire?”

“...Nevermind”

Asta also couldnt remember ever seeing a weird figure, well not specifically because “not before you guys showed up. I think the weirdest figure is probably Yuno, way too damn handsome that jerk!”

Or sensing another Magic mingle with his, “What do you mean this isnt my magic?”

Finally, Dante asks Asta if he ever heard about the Devil, and “Yeah of course, I was raised in a church, and Sister Lily tells us all the best good night stories! Im gonna mary one day and then we tell each other all those every night!!” And then Asta got stuck thinking about his sister Lily,and Dante had to realize that its no use.

He could now either kidnap Asta and train him under the dark triad, or he could leave him be and keep his tabs on the strange kid with big dreams. Yeah, well, kidnapping Asta is, if the conversation with him was any clue, not gonna be an easy and quiet thing, and its gonna be a political mess, a headache to boot too. Also Zenon and Vanica are probably going to try kill Asta if he gets too much for them anyways, so i would be useless. He sighed, and shook his head, and shot Asta a fake smile

“Thank you for answering all my questions, boy, have a nice training session for whatever it is youre trying o achieve here.”

“Oh, Im training to become a Magic knight in a few months!”

“Ah”

“Im gonna become the Wizard king! (✧ ∇ ✧)”

“...Well, good luck with that, Im going home now”

“Thank you, also your friends left like 20 minutes ago”

Cue unhappy Dante. But at least they learned something...I think? And they went and cleaned up that Information pipe line real quick and then got something to eat.

Yeah so, I tried. Im still not back to peak form, but this was fun! Poor Dante was probably hella frustrated afterwards, but Asta really jsut doesnt know xD and later on, Asta is constantly wih people who are pretty sure to recognize the Spade royalty. I mean, they dont make it particulary hard. And Asta has his goal set, and he takes the most direct route to get there.

im pretty sure, as things are now, Zenon and Vanica are going to be way more interested too, but I really need to know a lot more about Vanica.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed, and thank you again for sending me those words of encouragement! Have a lovely day!!

#caw caw #man its been ages #im sorry folks for disappearing of the grid #and ya know what #thanks to corona #i dont have uni #so maybe if anyone wants some easy headcannons hit me up #im kinda feeling this again :)#black clover #The dark triad #Asta #Dante Zogratis #Zenon Zogratis #Vanica Zogratis #beware: no plot just weird musings and ramblings

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sunsetsinhoenn · 5 years

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exec proton battles cute trainer over and over again and every time he loses to her mayhaps his views on pokemon changes because of her and how much she cares for her pokemon (he wants her to love and care abt him like how she loves Nd cares for her pokemon 😎😎) pleas make it cute

I don’t think I really nailed the cuteness that well… since Proton is not a good guy lol, but I tried! this ended up being super hard to write since im not used to writing characters like his and I still wanted to make him realistic when it comes to ‘romance’ P:he ended up acting like a teenager, since this fic really only covers the pre-relationship stage I guess. ANYWAYS …. enjoy (*・∀-)☆

Proton _ “annoyance”

The first two or three times the two of you battled, there was only a few specific, stray thoughts running through his head. He lost every single battle he had against you, so of course one thought would be ‘why the hell were you so tough?!’ and another would be how he could possibly get rid of you without anyone knowing about it. He didn’t really want to resort to violence, but you really liked to show up at the worst possible time to battle him and ruin his day/mission.

He really just… never wanted to see you again.

The other two last thoughts that would run through his head were ‘I really don’t want the others to find out.’ and ’UGH, go away.’. Every time you two were finished with your battles, you would release all your pokémon from their balls, glaring at him, daring him to try anything while they were out, and you would begin assessing them, making sure they were fine after such a tough battle. You would pet them gently and smile, and as Proton slinked away he’d mumble under his breath about how annoying you were since he’d be so aggravated by you and your obnoxious affection for your pokéfriends.

The fourth time the two of you had “battled”, he had found you instead of the other way around.While you were innocently wandering around Ecruteak City, he had spotted you a distance away. It was exciting to him, finally being able to get an edge on you when you had proven time and time again to be the stronger trainer. With your back turned he released his golbat and, being true to his cruel reputation, ordered it to fly off and attack you.

There wasn’t much you could have done to dodge the attack,since golbat was such a fast pokémon to begin with, but by the time it flew back to Proton, you only ended up knocked down to the ground, unscathed. If it weren’t for your own pokémon releasing itself from one of the balls on your belt, you probably would’ve been more badly hurt, all thanks to that evil Rocket executive.

To retaliate, your pokémon ended up attacking Proton as well, and after calling it back, his golbat was injured and he had a large bruise forming on his face.

“I- Are you okay?” You had yelled, and before he could answer, he noticed that you were just tending to your protector and not him and boy was he angry.

“Are you kidding?! I’m the one that gets hurt and you ask that thing if it’s okay?!” Although your demeanor could be seen as… cute and lively, which Proton would unwillingly admit to, you were not lively as well as not at all happy.

“Are you kidding? Why would I ask if you were okay?!”

“I- Becau-“

“Go away, Proton!Neither of us are fighting today!” With that, he had turned his tail and ran,leaving you behind, angry beyond words. Usually he would’ve gotten a kick out of seeing you so mad, in a way that he had never gotten you to be before. He was a villain, working for an evil organization, and yet he had silently gotten away, leaving no sarcastic quip behind. The only things running through his mind were all about you, and why he hadn’t been thrilled at what had transpired (without the humongous bruise of course) and why he hadn’t taken full advantage of making sure you would never be a nuisance in his life again.

He couldn’t figure out the answers to all of his sudden questions.

He couldn’t figure it out when you battled him a fifth time,when the fire he had seen you surrounded by before could still be seen blazing in your eyes, letting him know that you were, in fact, still supremely pissed with him. He was given a clue to his questions when you gave one of your tiniest pokémon a kiss on the forehead for a good job, when he noticed he was jealous, of all things.

He couldn’t completely figure it out the sixth time, when you lamented about how many times you had to teach him a lesson, and he remarked about how it was going to be a lot harder to cram any information into his head. You had laughed and called him out for pretty much insulting himself, and your pokémon had laughed too.

“Gee, your camaraderie is… absolutely charming.” Was one of the few sarcastic comments he had made that day towards you.

Fast forward to the present, and he’s mulling in his thoughts when he can, still technically lost about his feelings for you, but it was more like he was refusing to find his way.

“Executive Proton, sir! The pokémon have been rounded up.”

“Great,” he gestures for the grunt to lead him to the area and they begin walking. “We’re making good time. How many have you caught?”

The grunt, obviously delighted that he was chatting with the cool Executive Proton, began talking animatedly.

“We’ve caught at least thirty, sir! We got a lot today,and a lot of them were ones we collected from trainers, so they might even be rare and strong. Those’ll net in a lot of cash.”

“You better not be lying.” Was all he had to say to get the grunt to clam up and walk faster to the location,and when the two of them got there, he could see many pokéballs, with a few even being dusk or heal balls. Obviously, ones caught by trainers.

He thought of you for a moment,and vaguely wondered if you were going to show up anytime soon, as annoying as it would be.

You would storm in, tell him that what he was doing was wrong, and he would tell you it was none of your business.Then, he would lose and continue with his job the next day, still not sorry for whatever he was doing.

In a random scuffle between two grunts, he watched as one of them tripped over and ended up hitting one of the pokéballs, releasing a sentret that immediately began trying to get away. Noticing that his underlings had not made a move to capture it and were only standing around dumbfounded, he spoke.

“I don’t know what you’re waiting for. Capture it!”

Watching a mess that could only be caused by the most idiotic of rocket grunts, he sighed and just let the scene unfold, only slightly amused by how they couldn’t get the poor sentret back into its cage, so to speak. He could list many things better than watching a few idiots run around in a forest field.

His mood quickly changed to anger when one of the grunts threw a rock at the sentret, hitting its mark on the head.

“Hey! I said capture it, not torture it!”

“Hearing that come out of your mouth makes me think it is possible for you to change!” Was what he heard you say before your pokémon flew past him and started to engage in a battle between the grunts hounding the sentret. It wasn’t long before you ran past him as well, releasing your other pokémon to try and take on all the grunts at once, protecting the pokémon stuck in their balls while you were at it.

He had a job to do… he had a boss to try and bring back, and yet he couldn’t really make a move to try and stop you from beating down his subordinates and wrecking his entire mission, again. In fact, he really didn’t want to. The proton before he met you would’ve been okay with the sentret getting hurt. He would’ve been mad that you were here. He wouldn’t feel the tiniest bit of relief when he realized that you would win and bring back the stolen pokémon to their owners.

He gritted his teeth. He wanted his old self back.

“Retreat! Get out of here, and I’ll take care of things!” Was all he could say before all the grunts turned to him and then took off, their pokémon running with them. They wouldn’t question the fact that they’ve seen him lose against you before.

…Silence was all that stood between you and him, eyes locked while you both stood in a field surrounded by pokéballs littered all over the floor, and your team, who were all standing in defense, ready to attack whenever they got the word to.

“They stole one of mine. Are you going to stop me from getting her back?”

He huffed and shook his head, visibly displeased.

“No. Go and grab it and the others since I’m sure that’s what you’ll do.”

“You know me so well.”

You made no move yet, as you continued to look at each other.

“Y’know…” His expression turned even more sour as you started to talk. “I don’t get why you do any of this, but you can… quit anytime.”

You gestured your hand towards the balls on the floor and you let yourself grow concerned over the man in front of you, if only slightly.

“I’ll be here for you when you do. You don’t have to live a life of crime. I could be the… friend to help get you out of it.” There was another awkward pause as he glanced between you and the scene around him.Everything about him said that he would never agree to be with you at all or even change in the slightest, but you were still taking a chance on him. He spoke, his voice harsh.

“Of course, you don’t get why I’m doing this. You don’t know me at all, but I bet in that little mind of yours, you like to think you do.”You flinched at his words. “I’m not a good guy. I’ve done things that I’m sure would make you upset. You think I’d want to be with you?”

You took a step back, surprised for some reason at his words. You knew he wasn’t good, but deep in his heart, you thought…

“Did you think you were getting into my head? Did you think you were changing me?” He took a step forward, towards you. “I didn’t like you from the start. I’d hate to admit that you got me to see your side of things.It would be the toughest words to ever come out of my mouth.”

He groans suddenly, turning around to cover his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry,alright?! I know what I’m doing isn’t good, and yeah, sure, I’m beginning to think I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing, but I’m not good!” Proton removes his hands and turns his head around, looking at you, his face red in what you think is anger,but would like to hope is also embarrassment. “I hate that you’re making me question what I’ve been doing my entire life, when we’ve only battled before. I wish you’d leave me alone!”

He moves to start running away, back to where his grunts are and to report to the other executives, but you call out to him and catch up.Gripping his wrist, you tug hard and get him to stop with you.

Quickly, you give him a kiss on the cheek, and he can feel your smile on him. He looks at you in shock, only to see you smirk.

“I’ll see you next time.”

And with that, you run back to take care of the scene the rockets caused, leaving him. He wants to yell back that he won’t, but he’s had enough with acting like an idiotic teenager for one day.

‘You’re such an annoyance.’ is one thought that he has running through his head. The other is ‘It’d be nice to get another kiss.’ before he shoves it away and starts running again.

#pokemon #pokemon imagines #executive proton #this was HARD but i like a challenge so gg anon gg #for some reason tumblr totally WRECKED this post #so i apologize if it was hard to read but it should be fixed now #executive proton fics #pokemon fics

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skateluh · 6 years

Text

This isn't the story of how a boy meets a girl and they fall in love and everything is magical and dream. This is the story of how depression creeps and sinks into every corner of your life without you knowing it. While the story may have a boy and a girl who are in love it does not end they way most are pictured.

His long wild red waves what drew me in, I hated the way his hair looked but somehow I had looked passed it and into the hazel eyes that bore empty. We started as acquaintances with mutual friends having the occasional conversation and a few small laughs. He was intoxicating to listen to. It wasn't his words but the little aneurysms he did like hitting his knee when he truly laughed at something or the small nail biting he did when he became disinterested or nervous about something. I slowly fell into his warm embrace but it felt odd, we were hiding the fact we were something due to what our friends would think. In the end it was my friends opinions that ruled mine.

In the third week and second introduction of us formally meeting I had feelings that couldn't describe and the only way I could was by simply feeling his touch. I felt warm and happy every time he would slightly brush his hand against the low of my back. The tingling sensation never went away as I can still feel his rough pads of his fingertips tickling my tender skin.

My emotions had flooded the watergate and I never wanted to be without him again. He felt the same. Dating was actually like a movie we were in the puppy love stage of the relationship for months, I couldn't keep myself or my hands away from him. It was all sensual but not always in a sexual way. He had a way of brushing the fray hairs behind my ear so he could look at all the features of my face which embarrassed me to the core. I’ve always been self conscious, a bit more than most. I can never receive a compliment without shooting myself down immediately after, which is quite strenuous on my mental health but for some reason I feel as if I deserve it.

Depression came quietly to me as if it was my worst nightmare slithering into the depths of my brain creating its new home. It soaked up my happiness, my passions and my health levels. While it might sound strange but since my mental health decline my physical health has diminished to a hollow shell of myself. I went for days without eating only to binge later and have some regrets, I wouldn't sleep for weeks then lay in bed for days at a time. Except no one had noticed since I lived in a dorm where there is constant action going on no one saw how unhappy I was becoming. How unhappy I am.

I sit here six months after the first meeting of the boy, a hollow shadow who would much rather be dead but can’t find the strength because I have so much love for the people around me. I am a fixer, I want everyone to be happy and have everything they've wanted while I let myself fade away. I guess in my own way I feel that if I help everyone around me that my absence won’t be that much of an affect. Unfortunately the more I help the more they become attached and they all tell me that they love me and I’m beautiful but I can’t see it. I am blind to being happy, I see no future for myself even though I tell people I do. The only future I see is me slipping away from everyone and everything I care about and eventually diminishing as if I never existed, but that's the worst part. No one can just disappear without someone missing them, craving them, mourning them. Their memory, their laugh, their favorite color, hobbies and food is everywhere. Everything begins to remind you of them and slowly you sink deeper into the pit they fell to.

I’m in that pit but Im stuck trapped inside my own destructive mind drowning in a pool of thoughts that could fateley kill me. One day they will either by my own hand or by the hands of something stronger. A larger being then all of us, maybe the grim reaper or the angel of death but that would be too easy. Life is tough there is heartbreak and torture in many forms some bad some good but overall that’s what our world is a constant battle between good and bad as we attempt to find the deeper meaning in our lives and in existence.

Tell me your sorrows, your hopes desires and dreams. I want to hear them, I want to see the people in this world those good and bad. I feel as if I could analyze the way people behave in a world like ours maybe there is a deeper meaning to all of this.

I apologize this wasn't the story of a boy and a girl but the story of a girl lying in her bed late at night wondering why she is here.

#depression

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legion1993 · 6 years

Text

What Happens When You Bring Home A Unknown Substance

Title: What Happens When You Bring Home A Unknown Substance

Square Filled: Tentacle Porn

Ship: Tentacle x Reader

Rating: Explicit

Tags: Vaginal Penetration, Anal Penetration, impregnation, choking, gagging, double penetration, talking tentacle monster

Summary (If applicable): you head out on a hunt but it turns into something that brings your inner curiousity to a whole new level, upon bringing this new specimen back to your home, you finish your shower and things begin to go wrong…

Word Count (If applicable): 2,977

Created for @spnkinkbingo.

Masterlist kink masterlist

To say your curiousity always gets the better of you is an understatement… to say that hunting alone is a good idea is also an understatement… but to whoever said expect the unexpected, why did you have to be right…

You had just finished dealing with a witch sitch, you ganked her but she left behind this strange plant… you took a piece of it for observation and research… you headed home with the substance/plant/thing, and you could have sworn that it grew like 3 times bigger by the time you reached your apartment…

You brought it inside and left it on the table in your dinning room, going to the bathroom you stripped off all your clothes leaving the trail of clothing you would later clean up but not realizing that the plant/substance thing was actually alive…

You were in the shower, you couldn’t hear anything, you didn’t hear several things break, your couches being rearranged, your tables being smashed, that plant thing had grown to full strength and all it had to do was wait till you got back…

You were humming as you got out of the shower, you had some correspondence with people, other hunters who loved a fascinating scientific discovery as much as you did… you would contact them when you were done… but that is when you heard it, the loud crash of glass or ceramic breaking on the floor…

Y/N (to self): “what the hell was that?”

Then you heard whispers, almost as if it was calling out to you… you were cautious, you pulled out your knife and exited the bathroom, there was slime and stuff all over the floor and walls… you were appauled…

Y/N (to self): “fucking hell is this shit, I just took a shower…”

But the closer you got to your living room, the louder those whispers got…

Tentacle (whispers): “come to me…”

You follow the slime and whispers very carefully… your entire body convulsing like you wanted to throw up… it smelt like you were walking into a room right after an orgy had just gone down… but you entered your living room only to have your ankles bound and your knife knocked out of your hands, your attention fully focused on the big monster standing in your living room, but what they didn’t know was that you had a spare alarm of sorts…

Tentacle: “do you know what I am…”

You shake your head trying to reach your bag to answer your buzzing phone…

Y/N: “excuse me but can I please have some slack to reach my phone and answer it cause its work calling….”

The monster was compliant he let you get to your phone and answer the call you knew exactly who it was…

Dean (over phone): “is everything ok?”

Y/N: “its fine, just a little tied up with slime, but if you want me to come in please let me know now…”

Dean (over phone): “im on my way…”

You hung up the call, and tossed your phone behind you, it slid across the slime… you feared what look was befallen your form, one of the tentacles on the monster made its way up your body to pull off your towel… to which you were then pulled down onto your ass, you didn’t even have time to think before the feeling of slime filled your skin, you became unable to move…

Tentacle: “here is what I am, I am a tentacle plant, I sometimes come to life and rape beautiful women, in hopes of getting them pregnant and having them birth some more of my species… but half the time it doesn’t work… so here I go with you, that witch gave me some human characteristics and some shapeshifting abilities, but if I use them it wont be out of random, it will be to torture you…”

Y/N: “no please don’t do this, im a virgin… I can’t…”

Tentacle: “well this will be even more fun…”

The tentacles were holding your arms and legs spread apart, you were instantly scared not only were you being held in a pile of slime by some rapey tentacles, you tried struggling, but you soon found your mid section was being held down, your throat being wrapped in tentacle, but that’s where it all started…

Tentacle: “you make too much noise little girl…”

That’s when the monster stuck one of his tentacles in your mouth shifting it to look like a giant massive black cock… you gagged, you choked, but he thrust it deeper and deeper into your throat harder every time… you tried to scream against it but everytime you tried to scream, the tentacle in your mouth grew…

There were tears blurring your vision, the tentacles still swarmed your body, fondling your breasts making you squirm, making you try to break free of their grip… but it was soon that you felt like you couldn’t breathe…

Tentacle: “your about to pass out, good, lets see what I can do to you before you wake up again…”

Your eyes shut, you were trapped in your own head, great alone with your inner demons… while the tentacle monster had made his big form somewhat human looking, you were fighting your inner demons, this meant you needed to find a way to wake up, you had no ideas…

Meanwhile the tentacle monster had made two of his tentacles start playing with your nipples, the rest were still roaming your body, the monster was having some fun, seeing how far he could go before you would wake… that’s when Dean tried calling again, your phone buzzing against the floor, but no answer…

Dean (to self): “ok I need to connect with her some other way…”

That’s when castiel showed up beside Dean…

Dean: “jesus Christ cas you scared the living shit out of me…”

Cas: “why do you seem panicked?”

Dean: “its Y/N she is in trouble, something about slime and being tied up…”

Cas: “actually I was coming originally to tell you that a tentacle monster is loose in Y/Ns area… but there is something else you should know Dean… you and her have a connection… your parents said that you and Sam were their only children, that’s not true, you have a twin…”

Dean stops the car in the middle of the highway…

Dean: “IM SORRY WHAT?”

Cas: “Y/N is your twin… your parents split you both up incase something bad were to happen… she was living in an orphanage… but the people in the orphanage one of them specifically the one who was assigned to watch out for your twin was a hunter, she passed away by the hands of a werewolf who came after your sister… your parents kept this from you because together you have tremendous abilities… all of which would make you guys fantastic hunters… their only option was to give you guys as normal a life as possible by splitting you guys up…”

Dean: “so wait she is my twin… she is family… wait so everyone but me and Sammy knew about this…”

Cas: “pretty much…”

Dean: “I need you to do me a favor, I need you to mind meld me with my sister… I fear that she may be in greater trouble right now and its making me anxious…”

Cas puts his fingers to Dean’s forhead and the next thing Dean knows he is in a dark place, he walks around a bit before he sees some light… your silhouette in the middle of it, he approaches you…

Dean: “Y/N…”

You look up…

Y/N: “Dean, is that you?”

Dean: “of course it is… can you explain whats happening…”

Y/N: “im being raped by a freaky tentacle monster that’s why im crouched in a ball form… he stripped me of my clothes, if your on your way here I hope you have something for me to wear… cause there is no way im gonna be able to wear anything small and tight like I got…”

Dean: “Y/N, cas told me something about us, about you…”

You look at Dean being careful not to show anything…

Dean: “you and I are twins… mom and dad separated us because we have abilities that together could make us really powerful hunters… but don’t worry im coming to bring you home…”

Y/N: “if he hears you he is gonna impregnate me… he wants to impregnate me… Dean this witch I killed spelled him, gave him shapeshifting abilities and some human characteristics… you need to get to me as soon as possible… but warning there is slime everywhere, I mean literally all over the walls, floors, furniture, im pretty sure I don’t have any of my clothing left that isn’t covered in it…”

Dean: “its ok we will replace whatever we need to once back home… trust me sis your coming home…”

You at that moment tried to smile but instead started screaming… Dean moving back from you watched as you disappeared… he was then back in his own body…

Dean: “its still another 10 hours to her place, lets see if we can cut down the time…”

Dean puts petal to the metal as he takes off down the highway… meanwhile tentacles were teasing your clit, your holes and everything, but the tentacle that was still in your mouth had already shot several loads into your mouth… not even giving you a chance to breathe…

Tentacle: “she is about to wake… we must finish the penetration…”

That’s when you opened your eyes, you felt the slimey tentacles slithering across your vaginal and anal holes… you shoke your head but gagged on the tentacle that was in your mouth… then once again you were violated… a tentacle slithered across your vaginal hole, you shivered and tried to struggle but you couldnt move…

Tentacle: “im sorry deary I wish it didn’t have to be this way but I don’t want you getting away from me before I have a chance to plant my seed…”

You couldn’t speak, you couldn’t move, you were completely helpless… to say you didn’t feel when your vagina and ass got penetrated was an understatement the tentacle monster made sure you felt everything…

First he went in your vagina you screamed gagging against the tentacle which had grown again… you were trying to stay calm but you didn’t remain calm at all, you were scared, you tried to not let your mind get overwhelmed, you tried to convey a connection with Dean’s thoughts, trying to see if you and your new found twin have a psychic connection…

Nothing worked but you didn’t give up you tried anything to distract you from what was actually happening to you… you couldn’t believe that you were loosing your virginity to this slimey ass tentacle monster… but the worse of this was just about to happen, the more he thrust into your vagina, the bigger he got, then he sent another tentacle to your asshole, instantly you froze…

You shoke your head once more but he ignored your pleas, that and he couldn’t hear you speak or at least attempt to without hearing you gag on the tentacle that was still in your mouth… by this point you were sure you would throw up later…

but that’s when your worst fear happened, the tentacle after sliming up your asshole entrance forced its way inside, growing just at how tight it was, you would have screamed if you could, you would have ran away or fought back but you couldn’t…

Tentacle: “so tight, be ready to receive all my sperm kiddo, be ready to birth all my children…”

Your eyes once more with even more terror widened, you were a god damn hunter you weren’t scared of anything… but he was thrusting in and out of you pretty well, your body held down, frozen almost from the initial shock, your mind not registering anything, your eyes shut for opening them would make this all too real…

Back in the impala, dean was just entering your neighbourhood, Cas was using his powers to find out exactly where you were…

Cas: “dean make a left and its just half a block down, its just before the park on the right… the lights should still be on but there is something strange…”

Cas listens for a moment before opening his eyes and turning to dean…

Cas: “drive faster he is raping her, he has taken her virginity…”

This made Dean panic, this made him mad… he drove and in seconds he was at your place, he placed the car in park and took out his gun, but made sure that he had a few extra things still with which he could either wrap you in or give you to wear… at this point modesty was out the window, you were his god damn twin, you are the piece he could never figure out was missing, why his family seemed so small…

Dean: “Cas stay outside and watch for any sign of intrusion by magic or other wise…”

Cas: “no dean im coming with you there is a key to unlocking your abilities as twins and it needs angelic presence to be able to activate…”

Dean: “I thought me and Y/N had to be in the same room..”

Cas: “no it’s a bit more complex… Michael was the one who approached your parents with this, when he came to your mom and Dad after the 2 of you were born he explained that you guys were powerful, being blessed by angels will do that to you, because your parents were blessed by angels when they conceived you guys, you came out with special abilities, ones that Michael said when the time was right should be unlocked but only by angelic powers could it be… ultimately I have to come with you, plus I can blast this thing into high heaven or into the deepest darkest farthest regions of space…”

Dean cocked his gun as he turned to Cas and sighed getting out of the car he could only see the shadows of the monster… he could only imagine how bad this was gonna be, but he knew one thing forsure was that tonight you were coming home and the thing raping you was getting ganked…

The tentacle in your mouth released an even bigger load, which was so big that it pulled out of your mouth in time for you to scream… this caught the ear of your brother, who little to your knowledge was outside, cum and slime now everywhere, you were screaming and gagging spitting every single drop out…

Tentacle: “what does the little girl not like cum, not like having things…”

That’s when the monster lifted you upright off the ground now holding you in the air the tentacle in your vagina and the one in your ass moved faster and faster growing bigger everytime… but that’s when you screamed was the feeling of warmth, the feeling of being stretched so wide that it felt as though you would tear in 2…

Tentacle: “get ready baby im cumming….”

That’s when he shot huge loads of cum in your ass and vagina… you now screamed but soon felt very very weak… you were so out of breath that you didn’t even notice that the door was bust down…

Dean: “hey monster put my sister down… NOW!!!”

Tentacle: “this is a first… no one has ever tried to stop me before, but im afraid your too late, I just impanted my seed inside this girl, what did you call her again, ah yes your sister… now if you don’t mind id like to continue torturing her and then terrorize the neighbourhood…”

Dean: “you wont get the chance fugly… Cas do your thing im gonna see if I can get Y/N released…”

Cas holds his hand towards the monster, who is completely oblivious to what Cas was about to do, but this distracted him long enough for Dean to find one of your katana’s and slice off the tentacles that were either inside you or holding you… to which he then removed what was still attached to you…

Dean: “Cas toss me your trench coat… you can buy another just do it…”

Cas didn’t argue he knew how important this rescue was so he tossed Dean his trench coat before taking the monster and sending him through the roof of the house not breaking anything and blasting the monster into the deepest farthest regions of outerspace where he could harm no one else…

Your form quivering under Dean’s touch, your eyes opening to see your brother holding you, wrapping your naked form in a coat…

Y/N: “Dean…”

Dean: “shh its ok sis, the monster is gone we made sure he will never be able to do any harm to any one else… Cas can you scan her and make sure his plan didn’t work…”

Can touches your forehead and glows for a few seconds but when he pulls back he smiles…

Cas: “she isn’t pregnant but she is tired and sore, so if we are gonna get her out of here we need to do it ASAP…”

Dean: “Y/N im gonna carry you to the car ok… don’t worry im gonna take care of you…”

Before picking you into his arms he gave Cas his keys…

Dean: “cas you drive, there is no way that ill be able to focus on the road right now…”

Cas nods taking the keys he watches Dean take you into his arms bridal style (im sorry it’s the only way possible in this situation) he helps Dean sit in the car while still cradling you in his grasp… you start feeing warm-ish, but before Cas starts driving he witnesses you and Dean starting to glow…

Cas: “its begun…”

~that’s all for now folks…~

#SPNKINKBINGO

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semi-imaginary-place · 4 years

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three houses blogging 7

So I’m playing maddening again and I forgot to grab the knowledge gem in the sothis paralogue. rip

Remember when i made claude a brawler? Well now im paying for it in hunting by daybreak where he cant use fists on a wyvrn. Problem was i didnt have any bow abilites so his avo dropped like 30 points.

My “canon” recruits

VW: Shamir, Cyril, Felix, Sylvain, Linhardt, Dorothea, Petra, Hanneman, Flayn, Setheth

CF: Manuela, Hanneman, Sylvain, Felix, Mercedes, Marianne, Lysithea

AM: Ferdinand, Caspar, Bernadetta, Catherine, Gilbert, Lorenz

SS: idk all of them?

A quick comparison of the cavalier units Ferdinand, Sylvain, and Lorenz. All three are from some of the most powerful families in their countries if not the continent. They’re all kinda entitled bastards and they all start off still stuck in the mindset of nobility. You can really see this in part 1 Lorenz and Ferdinand where they’re obnoxious about their “noble obligations”.

With Sylvain its more that he resents the crest-nobility systems but has resigned himself to suffer under it, he doesn’t think he can escape and thus takes out his frustration on women and himself. With the women he pursues, Sylvain sets himself up for failure. First is that he sets up for himself a reputation of unreliability partly as a rebellion against the expectations his family has set for him. His family expects him to be the perfect noble and thus Sylvain downplays his competency whether that be his intelligence or martial prowess. He pretends to be the vapid noble with nothing in his head. Next, Sylvain advertises himself first with his family name and crest and second with his body, thus attracting people who want him for these superficial characteristics. He then can accuse them of only wanting him for these things, shutting down any possibility of there being anything more and driving people away. The cheating also acts as a means to drive people away. He then can take that as evidence that people only want him for his family, crest, etc. Its a self fulfilling prophecy of self destruction and emotional self harm. Sylvain has essentially shut down his ability to form new relationships. (i need to write that sylvain essay)

By comparison Lorenz also disrespects women (by refusing to take a “no”) but why he does so is vastly different. Lorenz never fully questions and turns away from the nobility system the way Ferdinand and Sylvain can. His rebellion is against the selfishness of his father because Lorenz under all the noble bullshit is actually a decent guy. Count Gloucester cares only about House Gloucester, its reputation and prosperity. To the ends of House Gloucester he is willing to assassinate rivals and kill any merchant that brings that rival prosperity, and take any side such as the Empire’s to ensure Gloucester’s survival. Lorenz disagrees thinks those in power must consider everyone, not just their own benefit. Lorenz is the game’s strongest supporter of the Alliance as a governing system. He genuinely values a non-monarchy. Lorenz puts what he believes are his noble duties above his own preferences. For example praying because that its what a noble should do instead of because he’s religious or actually believes in the Goddess. This extends to his attempts at dating. At the start of the game, Lorenz’s perspective is that it is his duty to ensure the prosperity of his house and this include a strong crest bloodline and someone in the role of “wife” that will benefit House Gloucester. Stuck in this mindset he totally disregards the women he’s pursuing. He grows out of this with help from his supports.

Ferdiand has one of the stronger character arcs in the game (but nothing will top Marianne) where he starts off incredibly naive and ignorant about anything outside the life of a Fodlan noble, hits existential crisis will Edelgard’s war, and rebuilds himself from there. Throughout the entirety of the game he actively tries to broaden his horizons and improve himself. Ferdinand’s relentless optimism really is admirable. As in Petra’s support shows, he starts off assuming Fodlan weapons and armor are the best (its Fodlan exceptionalism) because the books he read only talked about Fodland weaponry and spoke from a Fodlan perspective. Ferdinand believes in destiny, in purpose as shown in his Marianne supports. He’s written this narrative for himself as the esteemed scion on Aegir destined for greatness, where he will surpass Edelgard as her rival, and reform Adrestia and the nobility. But discrepancies keep cropping up, he can’t beat Edelgard in combat, Edelgard start a revolution while at the Academy and ascends as emperor, his noble title and assets are taken and his family disgraced. Ferdinand turns his frustration and loss inwards and uses it as fuel to shape a new path for himself.

the chad ignatz vs. the virgin lorenz

A supports that shouldn’t exist:

Claude and Ingrid. this feels like a B support that just keeps dragging on

Linhardt and Annette. a lot of linhardt’s supports take a sudden romantic turn in the A support. am i the only one that finds it weird?

They should have another support:

Hilda and Annette ! support. They are SO cute together. imagine them doing each other’s makeup!

Sylvain and Dimtiri A support

Sylvain and Ignatz B support. i just want more Sylvain ok

Byleth and Jeralt. no dad support? heresy

Balthus and Manuela. they can be disasters together

Balthus and Holst. I just want holst

Raphael and all the blue lions (Felix, Sylvain, Dedue, Ashe, Merdeces, Annette)

all the church people will all the other church people

So a lot of people see AM as Dimitri’s journey on recovering from trauma and while that’s not a terrible interpretation-- I think a narrative about living through trauma and the slow decades long healing would be excellent --azure moon botches the execution and I'd argue that's not the authorial intent here. (a rare case where I like fandom interpretation better than what is canon). but hold on i need to back up. So Japan's had these cycles of xenophobia and... fanaticism??? with foreign culture and at several points absorbed a lot of chinese culture. One greatly influential work was the Romance of the Three Kingdoms which cemented in the japanese consciousness the narrative that... hmmm how to say it.... unification is how things should be... that unification is what makes a good ending. Some people pointed out parallels beforehand, but the an interview with the developers confirmed that 3H was heavily inspired by Legend of the Galactic Heroes. I don't exactly expect a nuanced and sensitive discussion of mental health from any jrpg i play (or any game really) and that mostly applies to 3H as well, sylvain's self destructive tendencies are glorified as loyalty in his byleth s support. Bernadetta's trauma is used to up her moe factor (to great success given how high up she is on the popularity polls), i tallied the number of abusive families each of the students some time ago and the sheer number of female students with tragic or abusive backgrounds makes me suspect it was done for drama. Azure moon was never quite meant to be a story about the the real life effects of actual trauma, which is why its so wonderful that so many people could create their own interpretations of azure moon that reflected their experiences. What it was meant to be was a story of the rightful king reclaiming his throne to the backdrop of how the past can weigh you down and affect the present. Its related to the concept of mandate of heaven in that when the rightful ruler is absent (no dimitri), the country is in shambles, people are starving, war rages, everyone suffers, etc. but with the ascension of the rightful king everything flourishes, the people are happy, faerghus has a bright future etc. If you look at it rationally a lot of what the blue lions suffered under is systematic. Faerghus is basically a death cult glorifying dying in battle and sacrifice such that children are trained to fight as soon as they can walk (ingrid and felix byleth supports), children are used as soldiers (dimitri and felix), martial training rules their lives above all else (dimitri-annette supports), religious fervor fueling all this etc. But in Azure Moon, non of theses systems (nobility, crest, chivalry, church, etc.) are critiqued or dismantled and it leaves the cast of the blue lions hanging. If anything, under a new charismatic archbishop (byleth) some of them might strengthen, and the only empowerment of the people comes from the top down (dimitri allowing greater participation in government) rather than the people raising themselves up. On another note, despite many cutscenes in part one about dimitri finding out how sketchy Arundel and and Patricia are, nothing is done with that in part 2 and there is no resolution to the Agarthan problem. But back to what I was saying Dimtiri’s life is controlled by the death’s of his family and Glen, Felix puts it best in that Dimtiri strings tombstones around his neck. So the aftermath of Rodrigue’s death and Byleth’s pep talk act as the turning point for AM. Dimtiri stops rejecting the throne and is welcomed as king to a joyful crowd, he is instantly forgiven by everyone (despite wandering around as a murdering beast for the last 5 years, not doing anything to help faerhgus, and torturing people), because of course he is, via the mandate of heaven now the the proper king is on the throne everything goes right. And I hate that narrative. The game frames dimitri accepting his role as king as incredibly positive from the cheering crowd to the support of all the other characters. AM tries to tie a political position to an emotional narrative and i don’t like it. (I also just don’t like dimitri on a personal level, he’s meh, and combined with this is why AM is my least favorite route).

My favorite supports: Claude+Shamir B, Linhard+Lysithea A, Sylvain+Felix A+, Hubert+Hanneman B, all of Petra+Claude.

long long ago . humanity was ruled over by god kings, the nabateas/children of the goddess/dragons who saw it as their divine right and duty to rule, protect, and watch over humanity. But some of the humans wanted self rule, they saw the nabateans as tyrants imposing their will over another species, and they wanted freedom. "Humans should be able to decide their own path" they cried. The progenitor goddess Sothis had fallen into a long slumber after her efforts and her children ruled in the belief that she would one day return to rule them and they they were simply holding the spot for her. It is unknown if sothis was actually dead at this point or in a regenerative coma. Nemesis was either hired as a mercenary/thief to steal Sothis's remains, or the location was purposefully leaked to him. After stealing the Goddesses' body, the humans crafted her body into the sword of the creator and her heart became its crest stone. Nemesis then led the invasion of Nabatea and killed the nabateans using a weapon made of their goddess and progenitor's body. The bodies of the nabateans were made into more weapons and given to the 10 elites as weapons in the war against the remaining nabateans and their human allies. Nemesis was then raised as a figurehead of the war, a symbol of the Liberation of humanity from grasp of the dragons. Humanity saw him as their savior king and the 10 elites as heroes liberating them from the dragons. Seiros founded the Church, raised an opposing army and the War of Heroes begins. Seiros eventually defeated the human resistance army and its remnants fled underground becoming the Agarthans. Church became a governing body in Fodlan as the remaining Nabateans again awaited the day Sothis would return to rule them (and one failed attempt at resurrecting her). The Agarthans attempted to preserve what technology they had left and continued to develop Heroes Relic technology eventually creating artificial heroes relics such as Aymr. It is unlikely that Nemesis was ever the brains behind the operation, just another cog in the machine. The Nemesis you fight in game is either a zombie preserved in a cryostasis pod for millennia or a clone. it is unclear. The nabateans had seen themselves as as benevolent rulers, like parents fostering children. (you can see where this gets patronizing). So some of them like rhea saw humanity's rebellion as a betrayal

Edelgard is probably the best character in the game even if on a personal level, I don't like her too much. By which i mean she's the character that adds the most to the game from her character writing to her role in the story. Edelgard is straightforward and stubborn. She has her opinion and not only will she not change it, she'll dig her heels in and double down on it. She's committed... but that bites both ways. Allowing her to accomplish much, but keeping her from changing her course in the face of new information and circumstances. Inflexible. yeah edelgard likes to be in control. its the if you want something done right you've got to do it yourself mentality. She believes herself to be the right person for the job and because of the stubbornness i mentioned earlier will not back down no matter what even if that means massive loses and her death. on non CF routes Edelgard provides an excellent counterpoint to byleth and the church, its really well done

both caspar and ferdinand would get into a bar fight. nnnnnn ferdinand tries to be a prim proper noble but he's a hotblooded shounen hero at heart. like how he chase linhardt all around the campus. i don't think ferdinand could see a fight and not think hey i should stop this and end up getting involved. like caspar he's got a strong sense of what's "right" or "what should be done" which is why he hits existential crisis in the war. Ferdinand (kinda like edelgard really) had written himself this narrative of his life, that he was edelgard's rival, that he would ascend to Prime minister and do it better than anyone before him, that he would correct the misdeeds of his father and bring glory to the aegir name, that HE not edelgard would be the one who brought Adrestia into a shinning new future. And edelgard (not out of spite or anything, it was nothing personal) brought that ll crashing down. And ferdinand doesn't know what to do with himself, what is up and what is down, what it just and right and what isn't.

i like how each route does its own thing. GD/VW is a mystery about what is really happening. BE/CF is a political thriller and has a kinda sinister tone. BL/AM is more character driven about the personal costs. a good example of this is the mutiny in the mists chapter. for gd, it introduces the mystery of heroes relics, in be it introduces the injustice of the church, bl: it sucks to be ashe. Silver Snow gives us Byleth's seach for identity set to the backdrop of the morality of the church. this is one thing i don't like about blue lions. white clouds sets up how arundel is very sketchy and the flame emperor is working with an evil third party, but then azure moon completely drops that. Compare this to golden deer part one introducing the mysteries of the relic weapons, the connections between relics, demonic beasts, crests, the children of the goddess, and church and in verdant wind that pays off as you go into depth about those things. meet up to 5 children of the goddess and the creators of the relic weapons. CF also continues what it started in white clouds by killing the head of the church. cf and ss are mirrors of each other so you need both to understand rhea and edelgard.

also interesting note remember how after jeralt dies each lord has a couple unique scenes? the advice each of them gives you is the same thing they repeated to themself to get through their trauma. Claude dealt with trauma by never letting his enemies know they had hurt them, don't give them that power over you mentality. Put on a smile and face the day, you must. Edelgard dealt with trauma by hardening herself and focusing all her energy into a goal, pick yourself up and be productive, moping around does nothing and helps no one, do something about it. Dimitri I remember the least well, one half of it was a just point me in the direction of your enemies and i will help you rip them to shreds, and i don't remember the other half. I do remember he tries to goad byleth into taking vengeance, which made me very uncomfortable the other thing i remember is that they all kinda had a point, but none of it might have been what byleth needed to hear. How they react to Jeralt’s death is another point of foiling for Claude and Edelgard, both try to do something productive, while Dimitri commiserates and grieves with you.

honestly i think raphael had some of the best advice for grief. i mean... if all you can bring yourself to do is the small stuff then take things one step at a time, take care of your body. exercise really does help your mental health. its like i keep yelling at people, raphael is probably the most emotionally mature of the students, he's grounded. If i had to choose someone to mentor dimitri, I'd choose raphael. which is why I am so disappointed in their support. Raphael is such a good boy, endlessly compassionate and wanting the best for everyone, the heart of a golden retriever. and the devs are a bunch of cowards who won't let me s support him with male byleth. like so many characters are pretty means to him at various points and he doesn't take it personally, just takes it and tries to help them through whatever they're going through. a good boy

on a side note intsys disproportionately gives shitty tragic backstories to their female characters and it feels icky. i went and counted the number of terrible things female characters have been through compared to the male cast (i have that list... somewhere...)... and a way higher percent of female characters were tortured/kidnapped/forced into marriages/abused/etc. compared to the percent of male character with tragic backstories

jeritza ... .... certainly is a character. a shame that i like his character design but that I don't like him. he and hubert are in a single elimination tournament to determine who gets to walk away with the title of Edgiest FE3H Character. "death knight" or shinigami kishi and wears black spikey armor and says shit like "this dance of damnation!". he's a decent unit, but a bit underwhelming compared to when he's an enemy. i suppose it would be game breaking if he had that dodge and crit as a player unit... and he's a not a bad unit... i found him to be quite good really... but it just cna't compare

an excellent character. One of the things I like about her as a character is that her character archetype is quite rare and its refreshing to see it done well. Right? so in jrpgs over the years a lot of tropes and archetypes have accumulated. And Edelgard adds so much to the story as the main antagonist for most routes, as a foil to byleth and rhea. a counterpoint to the church. Its real good. and then you get to join her for one route??? Love it. As a person, i can appreciate how raw she is as a person. As with all the lords her character development is excellent. When you meet her at the beginning its all serious business all the time. She takes everything seriously and she's trying very hard to be taken seriously. No chill what so ever in part 1. But by part 2 she's just tired. edelgard is very human. flawed. and whether her actions were "right" is up to a lot of debate, but she cares a lot (i personally think its was wrong to start a continent wide war). i think a lot of people in the West have forgotten how utterly horrific wars are. and yes she's pig headedly stubborn. the break not bend type

I really like bernadetta and caspars supports. Dorothea aggressively trying to befriend petra is great. and I did not expect ferdinand and hubert's supports to go like that but they're also really good. I think the ferdinand/hubert supports are another one that has multiple versions (b? a?) depending on when you get it in the game

I'm one of the few who likes the split route structure haha. it has its drawbacks yeah like how splitting up content means a good chunk of people will only play one route and judge the whole game based on that one route (and get angry on the internet about it ). But i really liked being able to follow the different factions around (fe3h still need a rewrite, but i love the concept). the complex multifaceted ways the same event can affect different people. You need to play cf and one other route at least to get a basic understanding of whats going on in three houese

interesting thing is that the battle dialogue is also route locked. Like I went dialogue hunting last route in vw and got nothing. attacked dimtiri and sylvain with felix and ingrid and got nothing. Attacked edelgard with petra and ferdinand and got nothing on both maps annette and mercedes also got nothing. while i know in other routes all of them do get dialogue

What you get out of rhea in the last chapter of vw is likely accurate to the best of rhea's knowledge. Rhea knows she's dying here and likely dies soon after the game ends and nemesis is coming so she has little reason to lie. that doesn't mean what she says is true just that she has little reason to lie The church acts to maintain power and influence and shelter the nabateans who head the church by obscuring information on them. Contrast this with edelgard who got the truth of the church from her father but viewed it using the lens of the agarthans. The agarthans saw rhea and the nabateans as tyrants oppressing humanity and their views influenced edelgard. They aren’t wrong…. But there’s more to it than that (seteth’s supports)

so for some of the npcs, the ages from the datamine are more age of appearance or what age a stranger would think they'd be at first glance.this is why Sothis is listed as 9, jeralt as 45, seteth as 26, rhea as 28, and cornelia as 30 eventhough all these characters are older than that

Why Dont Ashe And Yuri Have A Support Chain. They Even Both Love Cooking And Set Up Inns In Some Of Their Endings!!!! AND LET HAPI AND CLAUDE GO STARGAZING TOGETHER

#fe #fe3h

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marishasscott-blog · 7 years

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The beginning of the End "o"

This is my story.

August 2016, I had just launched my first business & secured a great career in banking. All was going well. I was working, parenting, working out, flourishing as a young woman making a world for herself and child.

Every week I was teaching twerkout classes alongside my former partner, going to workout boot camps, doing private events, using coconut oil, hair was long, I was skinny, booty was getting bigger, no man problems. I was healthy. I was young. I was growing and flourishing. So I thought. Every week I was also bleeding until no end. I’m thinking yea, here we go again, just my period. Until 14 days later and I’m still playing peek a boo. One week I had gotten really sick and just wasn’t feeling my best. My former partner, who wasn’t the most emotional being, was even concerned so I knew it had to be serious. I remember sitting down on the toilet, during a really heavy cycle of course and when I wiped myself after going to the restroom, I looked on the handful of toilet paper and it was the biggest clot of blood I’d ever ever seen in all my years of wiping myself during my cycle. I panicked. I texted my former partner and one of my best friends Brittany Hart (who by the way makes any type of cake you could imagine and they taste amazing considering cake is all I could just about eat at this point <—– shameless plug ) at the same time telling them about the clot. All three of us are freaking out like OMG! We all immediately get on google and the first thing that pops up is miscarriage **stale face**. I’d only been dating my then boyfriend for like a month BARELY and he was on his way out the door, I immediately apologized to God for not making the best life decisions in men and then realized at that point, I HAD to go to the doctor. I hate the doctor. They just get too personal — much like this tea I’m spilling.

I made the doctors appointment and I go. As the doctor is all up in my grill, by that I mean I’m sure his whole hand was in my vagina while pressing on my already enlarged uterus **face palm**. He lets out a small sigh, “My dear, I believe you are pregnant”. I looked in disbelief. There’s only one way this could have happened. The doctor wasn’t sure, but was sure. He gave me some prenatal vitamins (I kept in my trunk because I didn’t want my mom to know) and told me to come back next week to get the results of the blood work and to go next door and get an ultrasound. When I went next door, I was expecting to see a baby. Yep. Nope. So I got confused. With my son, they couldn’t find him either so I was like great. This is happening all over again. The tech took pictures of nothing (so I thought) because my uterus was seemingly empty and I went home. Brittany was on my tail like tell me tell me tell me. I regretfully told her what the doctor said and she was like, “what are you going to do with two babies? Are you ready for that!?”

A week goes by. Yes I had been sneaking and taking the prenatal vitamins just in case. I have my follow up appointment. Where I thought my life was about to change because of one reason, a totally different one ensued. The doctor explained to me that my left reproductive side was completely destroyed. It was full of clusters of ovarian cysts, infection, my Fallopian tube was so enlarged because of all the infection trapped around it and the only thing he could do was remove it. And soon. I asked how soon (by this time it was September) and he said as soon as he could find an open surgery day. His next date was September 21 ! It had to be like the 11th already. Two weeks!

I had never had any major surgery before. Especially not one where he had to open me up right below my abdomen from side to side, the scar I still have to prove I’m a ninja warrior ! I was nervous! I was also excited that my problem would be solved. Ha! Pinned ya again!

Sept. 21 came and before I knew it I was in the recovery room. I was cured!!!!!!! I was noooottttttttt *sad face*

My doctor told me while performing the surgery, where he had already removed half of my baby factory, he found ENDOMETRIOSIS. I already knew OF it because of a friend who “mentioned” having it (in college I wasn’t worried about someone cramping, doubled over in pain because of her period – I now know) and because a family member has it as well. My OBGYN told me, its bad. It’s nothing I can do besides put you on a treatment called Lupron. I had NO more choices. Even with the Oophorectomy (removing ½ of my baby factory not that I had anyone to reproduce with) he said it was NOTHING he could do.

I was off work about 8-11 weeks recovering and I progressively got worse. I remember crying to my mom, standing in the shower screaming, I JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD! I could see the discomfort in my moms eyes, for she too had dealt with this and knew this was something I’d have to figure out on my own. It wasn’t like she could open up my scar and climb in there and massage my insides or have an Indian styled come to Jesus meeting with my hormones to tell them to leave me alone! I felt like I had been chopped open for nothing. I was still sick !

During the recovery and “getting used to” period, I was still trying to work and parent and I transitioned to Nashville for a job in what I thought was my career. Banking. I kept getting sick. I kept bleeding. January rolls around and I know I was in bed the whole month. I found a new OBGYN and asked a second opinion about the Lupron. She then told me first, she wanted to do ANOTHER surgery. To actually remove as much Endo as she could. Here we go again. Through call outs, pain killers, doctors appts, I made it through to February (the next available) and went under the knife AGAIN! In all I have 5 scars and I still have the endometriosis. That recovery from the laparoscopic surgery was the WORST! And I STILL have the endometriosis.

After the recovery, the Lupron was ordered. I was told it can go two ways. Either it helps and no symptoms or it can help and make you feel the worst you’ve ever felt in your life. I guess you can decipher between the two and figure which side of the spectrum I’m on. Blah. I’ve been on treatment for 4 out of 6 months and it’s been the hardest of my life. I can’t work. I’m always sick. I’m always moody. I’m always crying. I’m always hungry but I’m limited to only eating air if I don’t want a flare up. I’m always dissatisfied with weight. I’m always tired. Im always hot and having a hot flash. Im always telling people I’ll call them back. I’m always taking medicine. Im always calling the doctor. I’m always always always! Lupron is a form of chemo. So only imagine how strong this medicine is. Everyone says “IDK why u out yourself through that”, “That’s why I can’t take medicine”, “I wouldn’t do that to myself”. Well, when it’s the only option besides ANOTHER surgery, I can only pray and take my chances. Endometriosis has stopped me from doing everything. I’m literally a living vegetable. Ironic ! It’s too late to turn back now and too early to tell if I’ll ever be normal (one of my daily prayers) again, so I’m stuck in the middle. Only way to know if it works is to keep following my journey with me as I keep torturing myself each month with treatment ! *fingers crossed* And before you say it, yes I’ve tried natural self care remedies.. natural isn’t always the answer. Especially at stage IV (4).

Endometriosis is more than a period. It’s a disability. You can’t look at someone and tell they have Endo, but you can have more compassion for them when they are “just cramping”. My journey is far from over, and it’s a struggle I deal with by the minute ! It will get better !

My name is Marisha, and I have Endometriosis.

#endometriosis endtheendo endometriosisawareness womenwithendometriosis ifightlikeagirl iamoneinten

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kingkimono · 4 years

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All my Thoughts During the Breakup

16/2/20

If he ever goes back to Bacolod:

- Beach Trip with chips and drinks, watch a movie sa beach and chill out. Atleast for the first time and last time dinala ko siya sa kung san ako nakafeel ng peace.

Diba nga we shouldnt wait na, im done wishing and regretting. We've been in such a rough path, at times we gave up but still fought and eventually naubusan ka ng gana. But I want you to know, my mind is sure na I will pick you over and over and over again till my last breath of air. I planned for this for almost 2 months, I've always wanted to bring you here but never got the chance.

*kneel*

John Christian Villarete Entrata, right here right now we're under a thousand stars and under a midnight sky shining above us. My journey with you has been such great ride that I dont want for it to end. I dont want to ever regret not doing this.

I vow to help you love life. I vow to be patient with whatever love demands. To share my voice when you are silent. I vow to live in your heart and to call it my home forever.

I vow to love you in all forms now and forever. I promise to you that I will engrave it to my heart that this is a once in a lifetime love. I promise to the universe that I will love you and your soul.

I promise to you in the most deepest and in sincerest form that no matter what challenges may arise in the future we will always. always. find our path towards each other.

palanggaon taka adlaw-adlaw, lutuan ta ka sang paborito mo sud-an always. panaad di tagid ka pabay-an. Ini tanan para sa imu.

I love you. I want to love you everyday for the rest of my life. I want to take care of you like there's no tomorrow, I promise not to leave you, to always cherish every moment with you. I want my present and future to be with you. Every single part of you.

19/2/20

the moment he chatted you he already knew the probability of it happening. to think bago k palang sa gnung situation.

sht ako na humahabol, i needed you to hold on for us. if we can fix it then bskit ayaw mo. You care for his feelings pero pano ako? Mas lamang pa ba sha kaysa sako. sa pinagdaanan natin?

21/2/20

Saw a bunch of pics sa phone mo and sht hurts haha! He gave you a hickey diay sa? I used to do that hahaha sht sakita. sakit kaayo. The fact na magkasama tayo right now, the fact na nasa tabi kita shit sakita. The fact na may kausap kang iba tas katabi kita ITS FUCKING TORTURE. Anong magagawa ko? Kahit masakit lahat ng to okay nalang no? Ayokong mawala ka e. Masgusto kong katabi kita e, mas gusto kong samahan ka e. Sarap umiyak hahahaha pero sige nalang.

Masaya ka naman sa pictures nyo, kahit pta parang tinatanggal ung puso ko looking at the pics. Nasa isip ko nalang basta masaya ka. basta masaya ka. Yun mahalaga. Bahala ng masakit sa part ko importante masaya ka. Sarap mag beg ulet hahaha. kung pwede lang

Shet sa, Jan 30 na nagchat and sht 15 days nalang ohhh shettt di pa umabot sa plano ko aghh ptangina.

Hold my ear again please? haha you used to play with it man sauna, I missed your hand. Kahit sa sandaling yun pwedeng itigil ang oras? Pwedeng 10 more minutes ato? Wil lalways have a soft spot for you fuck.

Bahala na, matuloy lang March 21 okay nako.

23/2/20

Things I want to say...

ROTC

The whole time. Sakit kaayo ato, a part of me ayaw kang makasama but a big part sako man ganahan ka ubanan, yokong magisa ka. Gusto kitang samahan. Shit the whole time na nung nakupo tayo tas you were playing with my ear puta fucking torture. for you to chat him during those time ptaa sarap magpakamatay nun pero sht mahal kita e. Kahit masakit i wanted you to hold my ear, i wanted you to nap lang. Fuck sana ako parin yung kachat mo gabi2. sana ako yung sumusundo sayo. Sana ako yung nagpapasaya sayo.

Sana nung isang time sa rotc nung before raati and you played with my ear sabe ko nun sa isip ko "Lord pedeng itigil nyo ung time, pwedeng dito lang kahit ngayon lang." Soft spot ko yun e, you always played with it man. Nung natutulog ka tas rested sa may thigh ko the whole time nakatingin lng ako sayo. Sabe ko "wag ka munag gumising, dyan ka lang. dyan ka lang" Shet I didnt want it to end kahit yun lang.Opened your phone ato and wala nasira din ako nun pero wala akong magawa, wala lang naman ako.

MASAKIT

YUNG SHT pag nag chat ka diretso chat ko because shet naisip mokong kausapin. When i try to talk to you e inbox lang ako. Napakasakit na part dun? At that moment may own problems ka with your new lover habang ako, ikaw ung iniisip ko lagi. Kung baga may problem ka with him and like shet para talagang walang ngyre satin. Like the whole time we were togethe ris just GONE.

Sht bai like fuck di mo ba naisip how traumatic, how painful, how sht I feel? Sht I want to be next to you pero you have someone else and fuck pinapatay ko sarili ko.

Replaceable

Naisip ko am I really that easy to replace? The point is okay depende yan sa tao on how fast they move on and all pero di mo ba naisip sa part ko? To respect me? Ung pinagdaanan natin? Fuck everyday iniisip ko nalang shet ganun lang kabilis palitan, kalimutan, pagsabihan na ayaw na. Fuck kase natrauma talaga ako, ang sakit talagang isipin. To think you found someone na, nakalimutan nako sa mga pinagdaanan natin, mga trips and carnival times and everything! Sht

Right now nasa other relationship ka worrying about that pero sht ako stuck satin, nmmroblema ako kase sht umaasa ako na kahit isang butil ng bigas na size na love meron ka sako.

First Love

Alam kong di ako pala date and ikaw lang cinonsider ko as my first real relationship, because of you ive changed for the better. I did stuff i never thought id do. Lahat ng to ginawa ko para sayo, fuck i love you that much. Iniisp ko nalang kung minahal mo ba talaga ako kade chan ang sakit sakit na wala lang ako sayo, like im like any other person sa room. Fuckkk

28/2/20

its so easy for you to say move on, na ayaw mo na na dili naka. its bc you already found someone to fill the hole that im the one thats suppose to complete that. Its so easy for you kase you dont have to worry naman, all your love for me you gave it to him.

In the process of all these things if he wasnt in the picture or anyone in general then there would've been a higher probabilty of you coming back sako. You've given so much emotions and care for this new person na dumating that you forget about me na, na you think okay ra bc you yourself kay steady naman, you dont have to worry naman.

The amount of trauma and pain this brings me baya. Lets say di ka nga naghanap lain and you were still single and I didnt want to get back together. Theres still a respect jpon ba kay shempre dugay baya ta, naa jud tay gipagdaanan together. Sa ginawa mo and how fast things are going I cant help not to feel this way.

Imagine if you were in my shoes, ano mararamdaman mo? Kase with all thats happening may someone kana to kung baga a safety net because if nag antay ka o hinde naa kana someone. The point is i needed you to hold on gamay ra, never ever jd ko nakathink na mangitag lain, during those times need ko tlga iprocess everything. Imagine mo while ga heal i found out naa diay ka bago, how shtty jud sa feeling ana nakakaoff guard. Out of all ppl thst i thought would understand ikaw pa jud gaingani. Jaya madali sbhin para sayo na move on nako.

How can i move on kung in the first place di ganto ang iniisip ko ever. How can i move on kung gaheal ko from what happened tas someone comes into the picture tas suddenly you want us to be friends nalang. Di mo ba inisip yun? I feel so replaceable, na madaling iwan, ipagpalit agad2. Never ko inisip na maghanap lain because you are here! Us! I believe in us, na this is the one big wave in the rlntship kung san maayo nato and its infinite na. Pero hinde, u decided to give your heart agad, to leave me. Thst in it self is a choice.

6/3/20

Realization:

Found out na he told his roommate na sauna na dugay na siya ganahan makipag bulag, di nya magawa because ayaw nya na siya ang makipagbulag and probability of mag mahay. The one time makipagbulag ko was like a ticket for what he always wanted. The ticket to set him free. Now I realized na the reason why he doesn't want to fight for us, why he's okay with everything, why he doesn't care about me, why its so easy for him.

An analogy kung san there's one room full of boxes, boxes that represent us, you and me. It's like you were preparing your boxes in a corner and everything packed up. You were just waiting for the one thing for me to breakup so you could bring everything of your boxes. I was too busy loving you na di ko namalayan you were already packing your things, to leave the moment I said those words. Its why im stunned, why I feel lost, confused, in pain. Then I realized the moment I entered that room, it was my boxes nalang natira.

I never thought to myself to breakup up completely or to even find another, I know for a fact that what I felt during those moments were real and I had all the right to feel them. Prinsipyo ko is di ako makipagbulag but the one time those words came out my mouth thats when you felt relief.

Just to make it clear lang, wala ko gamahay na nakigbulag saimo or with what happening right now. Now I know kung bakit ganito. The only mahay I feel is that I believed in your promises but okay ra. I know di ako magmahay because I know for a fact that it was never my intention to breakup and it was not my fault to begin with. and never my fault to feel that way and all the efforts I made. With whatever mindset that you have right now e respect ko yan.

Thats the thing jud kase ive been looking at this problem in different angles pero wala jud ko kathink ug any other reasons pa onto why you dont want to fightna, its like kung anong e reason mo sobrang kulang, sobrang babaw. Nung nalaman ko na ganun na pala mindset mo before thats when it all hit me. Kaya madali mong na move on, so totoo lahat ung sinabe mo that very night nakigbulag ko.

Point of the matter is I was hurt with what you did and tyes I told you na dili nako pero in my mind you always chase the person you love man. With the knowledge about you wanting to leave this relationship in the first place prang it was a ticket out for you. We could fix it but yes karon new set of reasons napud and thats okay. Sabe nga diba pag gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan. Masyado akong naniwala satin na di ko namalayan hinanda mo na palang matapos haha.

I dont think I'll ever get the closure that I need bisag kapila pa ta mag talk. Kase in ever moment that I want to talk about it kulang jud na reason for me. I think I'll find my own closure, kabalo ko not today or tomorrow pero someday. I dont want to force myself onto someone na iba na ang laman ng pusot isipan, di ko rin alam kelan ako titigil sa pagiisip ng ganito. Umaasa nlng ako na siguro balang araw maka self realized nako sa tanan, that I should stop fighting kay ung taong ipinaglalaban ko wala namang gana, na ako lang din ang talo, na ako lang din ung tanga.

Ive always thought na I deserve evrything that you did to me but

8/3/20

patuloy akong lumalaban pero ano pang point? kung yung ipinaglalaban mo ayaw na. Mahal mo na siya e, nahulog kana e. Nung una durog na durog ako and i blamed myself for everything, inisip ko lahat ng sinabe mo na bat ako nakipag break or dapat nag sabe ako na babalik ako.

Pero nung nag sabe sakin yung bird about what you said even before nung break dun nako natauhan, yun na yung piece na magcomplete sa puzzle nato.

Whatever excuse or reason naman kase sabihin mo about what happened between us di parin talaga e. Kulang na kulang and to think ganun lang ako kadali ipagpalit, na sabihan na "kaibigan" lang tayo parang shet haha. Sakin lang narealize mo ung pananakit mo saken kahit late mo ba realize un. I hope balang araw marealize mo din tong sakit na bonigay mo sakin ngayon, with everything that you are doing now.

Now i only ask myself kung kelan ka na fall out of love. nung magkasama tayo ako pa ba nasa isip mo, ako pa ba ang mahal mo nun. Sa lahat ng ngyare satin ngayon iniisip ko nlang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, nung mga fights na malala nung ldf tayo, na kahit sobrang lala nagawa parin nating ayusin, siguro iba na nga talaga ngayon. Ngayon nawala na pala pagmamahal mo.

Alala mo nung bago pa tayo tas I joined nbdc kase may bacolod event yun? Alala mo nung first natin na pagkita? naalala mo nung first natin na kumain sabay, sa may jollibee. naalala mo nung first time mo dito? alala mo nung pag uuwi nako pabalik duma grabe iyakan natin. tas pagaalis na bus tatawag ka tas maririnig mo nlng ung iyak? naalala mo nung sinurprise kita nung sa bahay tas may fairlights and pictures haha. alala mo nung una mong hinawakan kamay ko? nung unang beses ka nag ily saken? haha.

Wala lang sarap alahanin lahat yun, kase yun ung nagpatibay satin e. Ngayon isa nalang pangarap ko para sayo, sana kung ano man meron sainyo ni josh sana masaya ka lang lagi, sana ingatan ka nya ng mabuti ah? Gusto ko lang namang mapasaya ka and kung si josh na ung magpapasaya sayo, sige nalang. Wala naman na akong laban sakanya.

Ngayon, eto lahat ng to and with everything thats happening. Mahal na mahal kita ah wag mong kakalimutan yan, at dahil mahal kita papalayain na kita okay? Wala nakong laban saknya, kahit ikaw ayaw ng lumaban kaya sige nalang. Im letting you go na ah, puhon kung mahal mo pako balik ka ah?

I love you, mahal kita, ginahigugma taka, palangga taka, ping kanunay

11/3/20

maawa ka sa sarili mo

naaawa ako sa sarili ko, nasa harap ko na yung sakit pero eto parin ako umaasa sa tayo.

buong araw magkasama kayo, sa gabi lang tumatawag, nagchchat. san ba ako banda sa puso mo? anong parte ko sa buhay mo? ganun na ba kababa ng pagkatao ko na madali lang ako mahalin at iwan? madali lang sabihan na namimiss ako pag bored kana? pano nako. nao nako.

13/3/20

even if you do come back

will you remember him whenever we kiss?

will you think of him when im lying next to you?

will you look at me the way you looked at him?

will he be your totga?

will I be the one to fill your heart for now?

am i your temporary home?

there's so many uncertainty with all thats happening right now. do you want me back because you realized how much you truly love me OR do you want me back because he's gone?

He didn't choose you and im here still choosing you everyday and i dont know if thats a good thing or not.

it scares me because the more i spend my time with you, the more that i think about what you two did. what you did to me. how you pushed me away. how i begged for you.

if we're going to make this work i probably need constant assurance from you. its so scary how im letting you back in again

you wanna know the scariest part? its if i do love you again, if i kiss you again, if i hug you again, will you still be thinking of him?

3/23/20

March 23,2020

I wanted to write this down kase its been on my mind a lot lately. I do love him sobra pero it makes me question things na will he ever love me the same way? Nung minahal nya ko nung una babalik pa ba yun?

I'm genuinely happy for him kase may friends na shang madame dito sa SU. Im glad that he's growing as a person and is participating in a lot of activities pero alam mo yung feeling na parang di kana part sa buhay ng isang tao?

Before any of these things happened nung mageenroll pa kame we made a promise na mag uban and together kame sa mga bagay pero di naman talaga pwede ano? Masama ba akong tao kung ayaw ko siya sa ibang tao? Na gusto ko aken lang sha? Di naman completely cut off ppl sa life nya pero tanggalin lang yung mga pinagseselosan o mga nanakit saken. Masama bang hilingin yun?

Honestly i dont know how I feel abt everything right now. All the pain ive been through, sa lahat ng masasakit na bagay na ginawa nya saken. Na palitan ako agad, na hindi lumaban. Kahit ngayon hindi ko na maramdaman yung dati nyang pagmamahal. Di ko alam kung san ako banda sa buhay nya. Its like I lost him.

He's there I can see him. I can talk to him pero theres this feeling na I already lost him. I ask myself if im a bad person for wishing na di sha magkaibigan ng iba, kase takot akong iwan. takot akong masaktan ulit. Bakit nawala siya. Bakit nararamdaman kong wala na ako sakanya.

Di ko alam pano ko nakakaya lahat to. Its like parang nasa isang malaking boardgame ako tas i dont know what im suppose to do. I feel so stuck. i feel so used. i feel so unloved. Bakit hindi nya makita ung sakit na nafefeel ko? Bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat. Kasalanan ko bang maramdaman lahat ng to?

I want him in my life because i love him pero st the same time I wish na sana dun nalang sha sa La salle nag aral. Sana di nagbago setup namin. Bakit bung nasa bcd sha mas minahal nya ako. Bakit kung kailngan magkalapit na kame dun nawala ang pagmamahal. Bakit nung nasa bcd sha andun ung pagmamahal nya. Ang sakit ng lahat. Di ko tlga alam ang gagawin ko.

3/24/20

March 24,2020

If he finds another man. if he chooses another and not me then thats when i'll accept. he never really did love me. ahh sakita sakong heart nganong pasakitan rako nganong ako nalang sige pasakitan.

you didnt even try to talk to me the next day. i waited for you again. you kept saying na I wasnt just for libog. then atleast kamustahin mo naman ako. oo alam kong wala kang responsibility sako pero respetuhin mo naman ako kahit bilang tao.

29/3/20

Naisip ko lang na for us to completely heal from all these issues is maybe we need some time and space apart sa ba.

I want to focus on me kase parang all these time focus lang ako sa pagheal mo na nakalimutan ko din na ako din pala need mag heal. Gusto kong mag move on and heal from what happened satin and what you did. Gusto kong ma embrace yung emotions ko and all my thoughts talaga e. As im healing ikaw din, you can be as free as you like and heal on your own pace ba.

Maybe kaya di ako makaheal is because Im still talking to you. Im okay with us ga follow sa social media and all pero for us to chat mahirap for me. Oo call me marupok/overthinker pero I cant help it if gnito ako thats why need ko muna time for me. As you said di mo nga alam kung takot kang mawala ako and I think thats enough reason for me to realize everything na snbe mo na parang yan na yung heaviest rock you could throw at me.

Di ko snsbeng pagod nakong humabol pero sguro tama ung sinabe mo na "if the universe permits" or mga ana na mindset mo. Siguro kaya lagi akong nag ooverthink is because what if nag heheal ako pero at the end may bago kana and it hit me pud na if kita, kita jud.

Im taking a risk right now and i know murag wala rani para simo akong gitype but its oaky layhan rako makabalo ka. Gusto mo friends ra sa ta and all pero even before tayo maging friends mag heal sa dagay ko kay lisod pa kaayo for me ngayon.

di ko din naman kasalanan kung naghahabol ako sa wala, importante saken humabol ako at di sumusuko. Layhan rako na if mubalik ka, bumalik ka bc love ko nimo like the first time na nagkaila ta, I dont want na bumalik ka for wrong reasons. Di sa laman ta tigchat2 ha? Para din makathink ka for yourself and heal from the pain and i'll do the same.

18/4/20

sha ganahan mag chat ko pero bakit ana ra sa first tas katagalan ako nanaman sige ga make topics ako sige bikis reply ako sige ghulat sa reply nya tas bilis ko pang replyan. Pag napapnsin nya na maikli na replies ko mag send lng sha ng selfie aasa ulit ako. :( alam ko namang di paren sha nakaget over kay ferido. di ko lang alam kung bat nasasaktan at umaasa p sha saknya kaysa sa possibility namen. di ko nga alam kung baket 2 weeks lng get over saken e.

feel ko kung babalik man sha sako baka yun lang nmn tlga pakay nya, mabayaran ko sha at sex. yun lang nmn habol ng muchst sako. di dagay ko worth it mahalun kung igo rako for pleasure. sakit kaayo na mura nakog tanga na nagaantay sa reply, na para bang ako lang may pake na parang pilit lang sakanya. 🥺😞😭 sakit parin ako heart tas ganto pa. sinaktan na gani ko pero hopeful r gihapon, dawaton gihapon. ako raman dagay naay dakong love ani. masasaktan din naman ako sa huli kung panandalian lang din naman pala ako. :( gusto kong umiyak pero di ko kacry kay naa si papa. gusto ko sumigaw pero di man. hilak nalang ako ng patago. iiyak nanaman ako. mahina paren ako.

4/24/20

im throwing myself to a person that could care less if i disappeared. idk na tired of giving my 100% to a person that doesnt even want it and couldnt even give me attention. bahala kana sayang lang effort ko might as well conserve it to someone na crazy for me and wont give up on me.

u crave for lambing, love, attention jud no pero obvious man na hindi saken. U crave it from someone else. alam ko naman kanino. I still feel it. I can still sense it.

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