#its like i was able to feel in community again

[stinkyturd]

Ground Level

Rui Mizuki/Reader

Comments: Rui gets a happy ending, woooooooooo!

"The curse of Antaeus...?"

You're currently seated on a rolling chair in the research lab with Yuri and Jiro of Mortkranken. Just the previous night you had returned from a mission with Haru and Towa. The Chancellor had assigned the three of you to deal with a golem type anomaly that had been frequently spotted in a forest outside of Darkwick. Preferably, Cornelius wanted the creature detained or slain, but it became clear to all of you that there was no way you'd be able to capture it due to its size. And once Towa began communicating with it, he was very quick in his refusal to kill it. 

Apparently, the anomaly Darkwick wanted rid of so badly was actually one that served to protect the forest. 

"Yes, I'd recognize that marking on your wrist anywhere. It is a pseudo blessing that supposedly originates from an earth goddess," Yuri insists. He's sitting in a chair across from you, examining your forearm with gloved hands. 

Right below the inside of your palm is a symbol etched into your skin that looks like an upside-down triangle with a slash through the tip. You recognize it vaguely as an alchemical symbol for earth.

"I thought the golem took a liking to us," You admit in exasperation. "How the hell did I end up with a double curse? I thought Towa said the golem told him that he wanted to give me a blessing!"

"To the anomaly, he very well may believe you have been given a blessing," Yuri comments nonchalantly. Glancing over his shoulder, the doctor snaps his fingers impatiently. "Jiro, scalpel!"

"Uh... scalpel?" You mutter with a nervous laugh. 

Jiro reaches for the bladed instrument on a nearby steel table and hands it to Yuri. 

Yuri's gaze hardens at you as he takes the tool from the Mortkranken vice-captain. "Do not question me! You came here for help-- did you not?"

You gulp, nodding reluctantly. "...Okay, okay."

Yuri brings the blade of the scalpel to your index finger and grazes it. To your surprise, you feel nothing. And you see nothing. The Mortkranken Captain furrows his brows.

"Uh... is that dull?" You ask skeptically. 

"Of course not," Yuri snaps. "What good does a dull scalpel do?"

Before you can make any further comment, the captain grazes the tool against your skin again, this time choosing your middle finger.

 

No cut, no blood, nothing. 

"...It's as I suspected," Yuri affirms as he releases your hand for the time being. His teal gaze meets yours. "You have acquired invincibility with limits."

"Huh...?" You tent your eyebrows in confusion. "How's that a curse?"

"This is a very uncommon occurrence, but if memory serves me correct-- and I know it does," Yuri starts, gassing himself up. "You have invincibility if and only if you're at ground level. The unpleasant aspect of this pseudo blessing is that in the event that you do become injured, it is far more laborious for your body to recover from it. In other words, serious injuries are now easily fatal for you."

Your jaw goes slack at the news. "Deadass?" 

"Deadass? What are you even saying?" Yuri retorts irritably. 

"I believe it is modern slang for questioning the validity of something," Jiro chimes in coolly. "I.E. 'Are you serious?'"

Yuri clicks his tongue impatiently, not bothering to turn in his vice-captain's direction. "I do not need your input; I can deduce these things for myself...! Anyway, speak clearly, Honor Student! How can you hope to ever integrate yourself into a professional setting using such primitive language?"

"How do we break it?" You ask, instead of acknowledging his reprimanding. 

Yuri presses his lips into a thin line as he averts his gaze. "I... I have yet to personally handle such a case, so that will require further research," The Captain reluctantly admits. 

"You said that the Jabberwock vice-captain is able to communicate with the golem?" Jiro asks, standing somewhere behind Yuri. 

You nod. 

"What will be done with it? The anomaly," Jiro clarifies.

"Uhm... Haru said he's going to try to communicate with the chancellor about using a method to draw humans away from the area, rather than trying to kill it. I'm not sure what that entails, but Towa decided the golem is very important to the forest."

"Hah! Good luck changing their mind," Yuri interjects derisively. 

"What do you recall of the anomaly granting you their 'blessing'?" Jiro asks, his ruby eyes regarding you lifelessly.

"It just came up to me and placed its hand on my head. Towa said that the golem claimed the blessing would help with my ‘fragility’. Then it went back into its cave," You explain. 

"And you did not think to move?!" Yuri near shouts. "Now you've given me double the work. How long until your other curse turns you into an anomaly? Five months?"

"Well, I didn't think it would curse me," You argue. 

"I think for the time being, as long as you're careful, this may actually be beneficial to you," Jiro remarks. "So long as you keep a foot on the ground, you will be invulnerable."

"Do not make such assertions so easily!" Yuri reprimands. "We must do a few experiments to test the validity of that claim."

Based on personal experience and word of mouth, very little good came from Yuri's experiments.

"What do the experiments entail, exactly...?" You ask, eyeing the Mortkranken Captain dubiously. 

"We will test your invulnerability with a scalpel on multiple types of surfaces, and on the second story of the building. It will determine your limits and just how useful this ability will be," Yuri replies, getting to his feet. 

Jiro nods at you encouragingly.

"...Okay. Let's do it then," You agree. 

Yuri performed the experiment as initially described, testing your durability on different surfaces. By the end of it all, it was determined that your skin is impenetrable on wood floors, stone, and soil. Metal was a no go, as well as the second story of the research lab. The Mortkranken Captain made two miniscule cuts on your fingertips that he made sure to immediately sew up, as it would be far more difficult to heal now.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, like Jiro said. But you still had plenty of questions. 

Once you are finished with everything and back on ground level in preparation to leave, Yuri hands you a small first aid kit.

"You were watching how I stitched your finger, correct? Be sure to ingrain it into your memory, as it may be necessary should you be far away."

"Yeah, I did! Thank you so much, Yuri," You reply earnestly as you take the box from him. "You're a real sweetie sometimes."

Crimson creeps up Yuri's neck and instantly bleeds into his face. The Mortkranken Captain yanks his hands away, taking a step back. "S-SWEETIE...?! HAVE YOU L-LOST YOUR MIND? WHO CALLS SOMEONE THAT?!"

A laugh escapes you. "Oh, sorry. I think Rui's rolodex of pet names is rubbing off on me."

"W-WELL...!" Yuri huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. "Do not say that to me! You do not have my permission to address me as such!"

You smile a bit at that. "Sure, I'll keep that in mind." 

Yuri's endearing behavior mildly lightens your mood. And speaking of Rui... there was something that had been scratching your brain since the experiment had started. "Hey, Yuri..."

"What...?" The captain bites out, his flush receding as he begins to regain his composure.

"Do you think that I am also invincible to Rui's curse?" 

"...The reaper curse?" Yuri places a hand on his chin in deliberation. "It would be foolhardy to test that theory, but if any curse could combat that one... one would think it would be a ‘blessing’ from a goddess. Who is better suited to cheating death than a god?"

The thought was tempting. You had spent a lot of your time at Darkwick hanging out with Rui, and if you could touch him... that would be far more convenient for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons being ones you haven't quite come to terms with. 

"Should I try it out?" You offer recklessly. 

Yuri wrinkles his face at the idea. "Knowing the outcome of such a risky endeavor would be incredibly beneficial to my research. However, if it doesn't work... who knows if you'd lose a limb? Worst case scenario-- you die."

"Yeah, that would suck, huh?"

"Should you choose to do it, be sure that I am in the area. And video call me so I can witness the results," Yuri requests, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth. 

"Yeah… sounds good."

–

A few days pass, and you find yourself at the Obscuary bar after attending your classes for the day. You had initially come to spend time with Lyca and Rui, but when you arrive you find Haru seated at the bar as well. A few seats away from him sat Lyca and Edward. Rui is behind the bar preparing a cocktail, and his pink eyes catch yours the second you come into view.

“If it isn't my favorite cutie! Did you come all this way to see me?” Rui greets you with a wink. “It's been ages! I was worried you had forgotten about me!”

You smirk at his banter as you approach the bar. “Don't be so dramatic. It's been like three days max. And I've been texting you.” 

Of all the ghouls in the academy, Rui is among your favorites. You messaged each other frequently, just to catch up. Even when you didn't have time to come visit in person.

“(Y/N)...!” Haru calls out your name, stretching out all the syllables exuberantly. When you stop right next to the Jabberwock Captain, he sits up and slings an arm around your shoulder, patting your arm in an awkward side hug. You notice the scent of booze on his breath almost immediately, and not the anomalous plant kind. The Jabberwock Captain is absolutely sloshed. “How ya been? I talked to the Chancellor about… hic! Y'know.”

You return the hug by patting Haru's back with your left arm. “Really? What's the verdict?”

“Told ‘em bout… y'know. And they said…hic! Golem will live… and prototype was put in forest to keep…hic! Away humans,” Haru explains near unintelligibly. 

“And what about Towa talking to the Golem about… y'know?” You ask. You're not sure why Haru's insisting on calling the curse ‘y'know’, but you decide to go along with it. Though, you really hadn't told many people about it– not even the Obscuary students. 

“Hic…! In due time…” Haru replies vaguely, shooting you a cheesy grin as he gives you a thumbs up with his free hand. 

The goofy behavior from the inebriated captain elicits a snort out of you.

“Say, don't you think you've held on long enough Haru? You're gonna make a guy jealous over here,” Rui says, inserting himself into the conversation. The wry smile on his delicate features betrays his seemingly playful words.

“I think the gigolo is right for once. Let go of (Y/N)!” Lyca protests from your right, his brows creased.

“Haaah…? What'd I do?” Haru babbles in drunken confusion. 

“He's just drunk, Lyca,” You assure as you gently coax the Jabberwock Captain back into his seat. “You should seriously pace yourself Haru. This happens nearly every weekend.”

“Naaah! ‘M good! Feelin’ good,” Haru insists with a giggle. 

“What's this ‘y'know’ talk about? Keeping secrets from me, Cutie?” Rui pries in a lighthearted tone. The way he's holding your gaze as he fills the glass in front of him makes you think he's fishing for a legitimate answer. 

“Oh, uh… I'll tell you here soon,” You say instead. 

If you were being honest, you didn't want to reveal your new curse problem to Rui just yet. In the event that you decide you're going to touch him, it's better he didn't know. The Obscuary vice-captain was far too perceptive of your thought process sometimes for his own good.

Rui's smile falters for a moment at your dismissive reply. “Yeah… Sure, no problem.” He sets the cocktail shaker to the side and passes the drink your way. The liquid inside the martini glass is purple, with a viola flower accenting the rim of the cup. 

You beam at him. “For me?”

Rui smiles half-heartedly back, rather than replying verbally. You watch the pretty blond move around the countertop. “I better get down to the basement and prep for customers before we actually open.”

You turn towards him. “I can help you.”

“No, that's okay! Rest your pretty little head,” Rui counters hastily. 

You open your mouth to protest, but the Obscuary vice-captain is already making his way down the hatch in the cellar. “I have new recipes that you wouldn't remember, it would take longer explaining it all.”

This was Rui's move lately. You couldn't quite pinpoint when or why, but something changed between the two of you within the last few weeks. Before, the vice-captain would welcome your company for a task– even if he didn't ask you to do much of anything. Now it seemed like he was avoiding spending too much alone time with you altogether. And Rui is still flirty, but it's not as excessive as it used to be. 

When Rui disappears from your line of sight, with the hatch closing behind him, Edward speaks from his spot at the bar.

“Oh, to be young…” The vampire drawls.

You narrow your eyes in his direction as you wrap your fingers around the martini glass in front of you. “What are you on about, old man?”

“Don't mind me, my dear. I'm simply enjoying the show,” Edward assures as he rests his cheek against his palm, sporting a languid smile. 

“The gigolo seems kinda down in the dumps lately,” Lyca comments, looking up from the open book on the counter in front of him. “Been sighing a lot. This book says it could be ‘cause he's anx-teeous.”

Suppressing a smile, you walk over to Lyca and peer over his shoulder at the text in front of him. By the looks of it, the werewolf was reading a psychology book. 

“It's pronounced more like ‘ang-shuhs’. The ‘t’ is meant to be silent,” You explain. “And that is a possibility. Has anything bad happened recently to warrant that?”

“Erm…” Lyca flits his gaze to the text in front of him, seemingly in a state of concentration. “Don't think so.”

“Perhaps our sweet Rui is feeling a little lovelorn…?” Edward suggests, a mischievous smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“Lovelorn?” You echo, eyeing him skeptically. 

Ed nods. “For someone that is untouchable, it must be rather difficult to have such a pretty young student consistently present. A student with such a tender heart to boot.”

You take a sip of the drink in your hand. It tastes floral, sweet, and a bit citrusy. And as usual, it's delicious. Your eyes meet Ed's ruby ones, belatedly acknowledging his babbling. “And just who are you referring to?”

“I don't know any other pretty young students that are brave enough to trek through Obscuary's forest all by themselves,” Edward counters, amusement lacing his voice.

You scoff at the implication. “What, you're saying he's getting all soft on me? You know, it's not nice to spread information without finding out the validity first.”

“Not to worry. This conversation won't leave the room, my dear. Anywho, why don't you take a seat by me? Your scent is particularly fetching today.” The vampire pats the stool next to him encouragingly.

Lyca growls at that, grabbing your wrist. “Don't listen to that moth-eaten Casanova. Sit right here.”

You snicker, plopping down in the seat to the left of Lyca. Your eyes shift to the side to check on Haru a few seats away. The Jabberwock captain is resting his head in his arms snoozing peacefully against the countertop. 

“Good for him. He needs a break.” You take another sip from the glass in your hand. Warmth begins to buzz in your stomach from the anomalous plant cocktail. You tilt your head to the book in front of Lyca. “Are you studying for school?”

Lyca nods as he flips a page. “Uh huh. But I'm reading ahead of the course.”

Your lips curl into a smile as you watch him. “That interesting?” 

“It's helping me get why some people don't like talking to me much…So it bothers me less now,” Lyca explains slowly.

You frown at that. “They're just assholes, Lyca. You always have me and Ed here. Rui and Suba, too!” From the corner of your eye, you catch Ed smiling in approval at your assertion. 

Lyca shakes his head. “It's not just that. Says here sometimes people are closed off ‘cause of the ‘unknown’. I get that, I think. I wasn't so nice when I first met you too, (Y/N). ‘Cause the only nice person I met here was Suba. Being ‘vul-ner-aable’ when you don't know what will happen. It's scary, right?”

You involuntarily pucker your bottom lip out and stare at Lyca in adoration. “Yes… you're right Lyca. That's a very mature way to think about it! Can I squish you?”

Lyca's looks to you in confusion. “Squish?”

You lean forward and throw your arms around him anyway, pressing your cheek against the top of his head. “SOOO, CUUUUTE!”

“H-Hey…!” Lyca goes stiff at the contact as he flushes in embarrassment. “W-What's that got to do with what I said?”

“Tons and tons!” You nuzzle Lyca's head vigorously a few times before pulling away and sitting back down. 

Lyca tents his eyebrows and smooths down his now ruffled hair. “You don't make any sense…”

“Sorry, Lyca, had to. My hands were tied.” You grin wide as you hold your palms up.

“...Intriguing. When did that mark on your wrist get there?” Edward interjects as he sits forward slightly to get a better look from Lyca's right side. 

Oops, caught earlier than you had anticipated. 

Should you just tell him? Judging by that knowing look on his face, you'd guess the Obscuary Captain already has an idea of the symbol. And its Ed. Ed somehow knows everything. 

You decide to give in and explain everything while Rui is out of the room.

As your retelling of the mission's events comes to a close, you add the most recent bit of information. “Towa is supposed to ask the golem about breaking the curse, too.”

“Break it? Now why on earth would you want to do that?” Ed asks, regarding you with awe. 

“Uhm… ‘cause I'm technically more at risk if I'm not careful? Is it a bad idea?”

“Yes. It is,” Edward insists. “In fact, that blessing may just extend the time in which your curse from Kyklos takes over.”

“What, you mean it might take longer to turn into an anomaly? Didn't you say my curse is like… extra malignant, though?” You press, your expression puzzled.

“There are minor setbacks, but a sacred blessing is nothing to bat an eye at. Until you know that you can break your previous curse, you should not attempt to remove the new one,” The vampire says with conviction. “Be sure you're always at ground level when you're at your most vulnerable. Perhaps even opt to sleep in a traditional futon for the time being.”

Well, that's an unexpected development. But if what Ed is saying is true, this really is a sort of blessing. There is only one other unanswered question that has been eating at you. 

“Um… do you think touching Rui would still kill me?”

The question seems to thoroughly amuse Ed, because he fans his fingertips over his lips like he's trying to hide it. “Oh…? You're interested in touching Rui?”

Lyca speaks up for the first time since you've begun your explanation. The werewolf's face appears startled from the suggestion. “Touching the gigolo? That's dangerous, you can't!”

“Well… only if Ed thinks it might not kill me,” You admit sheepishly.

“Might…?!” Lyca bites out, his voice raising marginally.

“Touching Rui very well may not kill you. Though, there is the possibility of severe injury on the off chance it does not work. Might I suggest touching him with just your fingers first?” Ed offers, his tone lackadaisical. 

Lyca nearly stands in alarm. “What?! No! She just said it will be way more difficult for her to heal! That could kill her!”

You press your lips into a thin line as you deliberate the idea. “Yuri also seemed interested in seeing the results if I decide to do it. I would feel kinda bad for Rui if anything happened, though. He'd probably feel guilty even if it's my fault…”

Edward laughs airly. “Humans truly have such an endearing way of thinking. Regardless of how Rui may feel, the choice is yours. If you feel it's worth the risk, it would be selfish of me to discourage you.” 

Lyca grits his teeth, narrowing his gold eyes at the vampire. “Old man…”

“In the event that this endeavor is successful, I have a feeling Rui will be thrilled in time,” Ed adds. 

“Right…” You digest the information, considering your options. “Thanks, Ed. You're kinda insightful sometimes.”

Edwards lips curl into a coy smile. “I know nothing, my dear. When you've lived as long as I have… I can only offer a unique perspective.”

Suddenly, the hatch from the cellar flies open, effectively ceasing further conversation between the two of you. A head of blond hair emerges, and then Rui's pretty face.

“Everything's prepped!” Rui lifts himself fully out of the cellar and closes the door behind him. He’s cradling a basket filled with herbs and bottles. “Lyca, if you would be a doll and run the bar for a little bit? I wanna get started on dinner before it gets too busy. We may get some customers in a few minutes. More specifically Romi.”

Lyca huffs with downturned lips, seemingly ready to protest. But after a few beats, his expression relaxes. “...Fine.”

Rui grins appreciatively and sets the basket on the countertop several feet away from you before turning heel. “Thanks a million! I'll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me!” 

Before you can even think of saying anything, the vice-captain is already on his way out. You sigh and decide to give him a bit of space before checking on him. 

Lyca stands up and makes his way around the counter. The Obscuary student pulls a notepad from a drawer that's just out of sight. “Guess I'll reread recipes,” He grumbles.

After about twenty minutes of chatting idly with the three of them, Romeo makes an appearance. When you catch him in the corner of your eye, you lift your head to greet him. “Oh, it's Romeo! Hey!”

“It's you, BB. Why am I not surprised? Come to live here now?”

You open your mouth to reply. 

“Nevermind, don't answer that– I don't care.” The vice-captain comes up behind Haru and immediately smacks him on the shoulder a few times, effectively disturbing the slumbering captain.

“Hnn…?” Haru lifts his head from the counter to look at Romeo, with remnants of drool on his face. The poor guy looks entirely disoriented. 

“Wake up! You are not falling asleep now that I am here,” Romeo tilts his head in Lyca's direction, and slides a couple of bills towards him from across the countertop. “Two Vieux Carre.”

The Obscuary student wordlessly pockets the yen before getting work. It takes several minutes, but Lyca eventually slides two filled rocks glasses Romeo's way. 

The Sinostra vice-captain flits his gaze to the drinks. Almost immediately, he scoffs. “This is not what I asked for. These are Old-Fashioned cocktails!”

Lyca lifts an eyebrow and glances down at the notepad in front of him, turning a few pages. His eyes scan the scribbles in front of him, and a moment later he speaks. “Hrm… sorry. I'll make it again.” 

“Don't worry about it Lyca! These look great,” You reassure him as you stand and take the glasses. “I'll just bring one to Rui, and I'll take one. I'll put it on a tab and give you a tip at the end of the night!”

Lyca smiles a bit as he begins preparing the drinks Romeo ordered. “You don't have to.”

“I insist! Be back soon!” With that, you head to the kitchen to finally get some alone time with the Obscuary vice-captain. 

When you walk into the kitchen, you find Rui leaning against a large wooden island in the center of the room. There are a variety of ingredients laid out on the flat surface and he seems to be preoccupied with reading a sheet of paper laying in front of him. You can't help but notice the apron wrapped around his waist. He totally looks cute as hell. 

It isn't until you set the glasses down across from him that he looks up, appearing a little startled. 

“O-Oh, (Y/N)!” The blonde chuckles nervously, as he rakes his bare fingers through his hair. His eyes land on the drinks. “Whatchya got there?”

“Lyca accidentally made Romeo the wrong cocktails. So, I told him I'd take one of them for you. And one for me.” You lean against the other side of the island, subconsciously mirroring his posture.

“Ah… an Old-Fashioned? Those are pretty strong. And I'm about to start cutting stuff. Alcohol and knives don't really mix for me, ya know!” Rui explains clumsily. Based on the rigid expression on his face, you have a feeling like he's not really saying all that he needs to. 

“Oh? I'll handle the cutting then. I actually have been getting some practice in recently!” It was true. After finding out about the new curse, you went home and practiced cutting vegetables super fast when you were bored one evening. 

Rui looks like he wants to argue further, but he's likely running out of things to say without revealing a little more than he's comfortable with. Cautiously, he reaches for one of the glasses and pulls it closer to him. The vice-captain smiles at you. 

It's so pretty it's almost blinding.

“Thanks for thinking of me, Cutie! You really know how to make a guy's heart melt.”

“I'm glad to help. I like doing things for you, you know,” You admit easily as you roll up the sleeves of your shirt in preparation to assist. 

The comment seems to catch him mildly off guard by the way his expression falters, almost imperceptibly. Distracting himself, Rui reaches for the skewered cherries on top of the rim. He brings the steel pick to his lips and pulls the fruit into his mouth with his teeth. The reaper chews a few times before swallowing. 

“That's good news for me then, huh? I don't want you to sully those pretty hands for my sake, but if that's what will keep me company for the evening… I guess I can't just pass that up,” Rui flirts with his signature wink. 

You snicker at his lame recovery. Tucking your hair behind your ears, you approach the sink and begin washing your hands thoroughly. “My hands will be just fine. I'll impress you with my sick knife skills.”

“And I'll enjoy the show,” Rui teases.

Once you come back to the island, the Obscuary vice-captain sets out a board in front of you. Apparently, Rui had been in the process of making a hearty beef and cabbage stew. You slice the stem off of the napa cabbage with the knife provided to you and then move to the sink to rinse the vegetable off thoroughly. By the time you make your way back to the island, you spot some… unique looking ingredients in front of you. Rice, white wine, soy sauce, sugar, cornstarch, sour pickles, jalapenos, and bean sprouts?

You must have looked bewildered because Rui laughs. It sounds like a string of harmonies reverberating against your ear drums. 

“Looks weird, right? There's actually supposed to be onions and garlic, but Yuri said it's not good for Lyca. I promise, it's delish! This is one of those ‘trust the process’ type deals!” The vice-captain insists. 

You smirk and begin cutting the cabbage leaves into more reasonable chunks as you prepare to julienne them. “I've had your cooking before, so I believe you. Has Lyca tried this, yet?”

“Nooope. He will like it no matter what though, since there's beef!” Rui finally lifts his cocktail to his lips and takes a small sip. “Hmm… this is well mixed. Lyca really is doing a good job. A liiittle on the strong side.”

“Too strong?” You ask, glancing up to look at him. His captivating eyes lock with yours for a moment before you divert your attention back to the board. 

“Enough to not want to drink it fast,” Rui replies. 

“Hmm… maybe we can play a little drinking game then,” You suggest.

“Drinking game? Couldn't that like, do the opposite though?” Rui counters skeptically.

You hum. “Not if you're better at asking burning questions.”

“Questions? Is this one of those college party games? Gotta say, you don't strike me as the type to attend those, Cutie.” 

You shake your head. “Puh-lease. It's a juvenile game as old as time. I played it without the drinking as a kid.”

“The suspense is killing me! Let's hear it,” Rui quips playfully. 

“Never have I ever,” You announce as you begin stacking squares of cabbage somewhat evenly on the board.

“Oh, I've definitely heard of that. Remind me of the rules?” 

“Simple. I ask a question by adding it to the end of ‘Never have I ever’. If it’s something you've done, you drink. If it's not, I have to drink. Vice versa. Any objections?” You ask.

“That seems like it'd be a cute first date idea. Any boundaries with the questions?” Rui asks, resting his cheek against his knuckles as he looks back at you. 

“No. You're free to know anything you want about me! But if I cross a line, let me know.” 

Rui's posture stiffens and he shifts his gaze absently to the glass in his hand. “Haha, that seems totally unfair, doesn't it…? I'll answer as best as I can.”

You begin thinly slicing the cabbage, drawing your eyes back to the board. “You start.” 

Rui lets out a low whistle. “Me first? That's a lot of pressure. Hold on… let me think about it.”

The sound of the back of the knife in your hand rapidly thudding against the wooden board becomes the only noise in the room for a good fifteen seconds. 

“Never have I ever…cheated on a final exam?” Rui asks, his tone indecisive.

The anticlimactic question evokes a giggle out of you. You deliberate for a moment but end up not sipping your drink. “Sorry, but you should have specified. I've probably cheated on a regular test, but finals are much harder to do that with.”

“Daaang,” Rui clicks his tongue, playing up a disappointed expression as he takes a drink. “I'll do better next round.”

You think for a moment before deciding the next question and glancing up. “...Never have I ever… learned to swim?”

“You did that on purpose,” He accuses, puckering his soft pink bottom lip before taking a sip. “Can't most people swim? Plus, haven't I mentioned I used to surf?”

“Mmm… Must have totally slipped my mind,” You say nonchalantly. It didn't. “Go on. Your turn again.”

“Never have I ever been to Tokyo?” Rui wears an impish smirk as the words leave his mouth. 

You snort, rolling your eyes. “We are in Tokyo, basically.”

“No, this is Darkwick! We totally have our own area code and everything. Who knows? You could have been shipped here from France or something!” Rui counters, feigning innocence. 

Rui definitely knew that much about you. You stick your tongue at him childishly and pause your knife work. Reaching forward you pick up your glass and take your first sip. You were pleasantly surprised by the flavor of the drink. Rui was right. For a strong cocktail it was pretty well mixed. 

“I'll have to give Lyca praise later. Anyway, next question…” 

The two of you ask several more rounds of impersonal and benign questions as you continue to work. You're not sure if it's just the alcohol or a product of being in good company, but you begin to feel warm all over. It had been a while since you’ve had an exclusive in-person conversation with Rui. And right now, the cadence of his voice, and his charming witticism seems to have an amplified effect on you. Every time you lock eyes when one of you takes a drink, you swear you feel your heart skip a bit.

When you're on your last bunch of cabbage and your glasses are almost evenly a quarter of the way filled, the vice-captain asks something else.

“Never have I ever gone on a date with a Darkwick student that isn't Rui.”

When your head snaps up in surprise the vice-captain just watches you expectantly, cheeks flushed and a self-assured smirk. 

“Nosey, aren't we?” You retort. 

“Isn't that the nature of the game? Being nosey? It's about time I ask something juicy,” Rui quips back. 

Taking an opportunity to mess with him and gauge his reaction, you lift the alcoholic beverage to your lips.

Rui sits up marginally as if he's taken aback. You watch his pretty pink lips part and his eyebrows tent with worry. 

It almost makes you feel bad.

You set the glass down, not actually taking a sip. “What's that look for, you jelly?”

“Obviously!” Rui admits without hesitation. He forces a smile anyway. “C'mon, you know you have me wrapped around your finger, Cutie.”

You do?

You swear you feel your heart in your throat as he throws the comment at you. 

Rui narrows his eyes sharply. “Who's the lucky fella?”

A lopsided grin forms on your features. “...I didn't actually take a drink. That's all you.”

The Obscuary vice-captain’s expression turns meek. A look of relief quickly follows, and he sighs. “You so tricked me! I didn't think you could be so cruel.”

“Go on, drink,” You urge, your grin now bordering on sadistic. 

Rui complies, taking a sip. “Guess this is better than the alternative. I thought for sure you and Haru had something going on for a second.”

The alcohol must be causing the blonde man in front of you to be a little loose lipped with his words. Sure, Rui's joked about being jealous before, but specifying in this instance felt a bit different. 

You tilt your head curiously. “Haru? Of course not. He's just my friend.”

Rui averts his gaze as he sets his glass down. The direct reply to his worry seems to embarrass him because his cheeks redden past the point where booze could be used as an excuse. “...Ignore me. That was out of line.”

You wave your hands placatingly at his unexpected behavior. “Hey, no! It's definitely not. I think it's cute you're worried about that.”

Rui doesn't return his gaze to you for the moment. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something else, but closes it again like he just changed his mind. A nervous chuckle slips past his lips a moment later. “...Okay, next question. If you stare at me like that any longer I might think you've finally fallen for me.”

You roll your eyes. “Fine, fine. Let's see…” 

Maybe this time you'll ask something more personal? For your own self-indulgence and to make him feel better about his own shyness. It's basically a win-win, you have to do it. Right?

You draw your gaze back to the board and curl your knuckles over a stack of cabbage, resuming your slicing as you deliver the next prompt. “Never have I ever kissed anyone.”

The room becomes silent once more, aside from the ambience of your task at hand. 

You almost glance back up when you don't see him reach for his drink, but then he speaks up.

“I don't kiss and tell you know! Plus, you really wanna know that? I wouldn't want to make you jealous too, Cutie.”

“Why? Is it like a ton of people? Maybe I'd be a bit jealous then,” You counter teasingly.

“...Wait, seriously? That was a joke!” 

You glance back up with a deadpan look on your face as you toss more cut cabbage into a steel bowl next to you. 

The vice-captain now appears mildly panicked. “Look, it wasn't like a lot! Honest! And it was forever ago, no need to be jealous, seriously!”

Thoroughly enjoying his reaction, you pretend to be annoyed and hum suspiciously. “I dunno, I've witnessed you being a little flirty with girls coming onto you before…” Pausing for dramatic effect, you sigh. “I bet you even call them ‘Cutie’ too. Is that why you stopped inviting me to your room? You got a new Cutie to fawn over?”

“So NOT true!” Rui exclaims, his expression shifting into a horrified one. “Look, if you've ever caught me saying anything remotely like that to anyone before, I swear I haven't done it in like– ages! I can't do that. Not anymore.”

Not being able to keep up the act anymore, a smile splits your features. “Oh? What changed?”

Rui stares back at you, the question leaving him completely despondent. He shakes his head guardedly, picking up his glass and downing the rest of his drink.

Your lips downturn as you realize you may have gone too far with your teasing. “Sorry, too far?”

Rui clears his throat as he sets his glass down, his gaze softening as he regards you. “No, it's not that.” He laughs a little in spite of himself. “You're the last person I want to be a witness to how pitiful I can really be. And the truth is, I can't answer that question.”

You try not to look expectant. As much as you want to know, it would be selfish to pry any farther.

“Maybe in another life,” Rui hesitates as he picks up the steel skewer that once held cherries, twirling it idly between his fingertips. “I wish I could meet you again as a regular guy. I doubt you would give me the time of day, though. You're too good for me.”

You're left breathless at his confession. 

Your hairs stand on end as you drop the knife in your hands. Just when you're dead set on making your way to his side of the island, a voice sounds from your right.

“Hello, Rui. I came here to collect some herbs for potions at the medical facility. Have I come at a bad time?”

You look over to find Jiro who noiselessly slipped into the room. He nods stiffly in your direction while holding his phone in his hand. 

“Oh, nope!” Rui separates himself from the counter. “I can go grab those for you. Is it the same list you sent last time via text?”

Jiro nods. “Yes, that would be greatly appreciated.”

“No problemo! Give me a few!” With that, the Obscuary vice-captain makes a hasty retreat.

Jiro approaches the island slowly as he stares at you. “...You decide if you're gonna do it?”

“I am,” You say definitively. “Wish me luck, hahaha. If I die, text my boss from my old job in the real world ‘Your Momma’s a hoe’, okay?”

“‘Your Momma's a hoe’,” Jiro repeats impassively. “...Yeah, I can do that.”

“Thank you, you're the best!”

By the time Rui comes back with bundled herbs, you finish cutting what's needed for the stew. You watch the Obscuary vice-captain set the clear package on the island in front of Jiro. 

“Here ya go! I put a little extra in there to save you some running around. Go wild!” Rui exclaims exuberantly. 

“Thank you. This will be very useful,” Jiro responds as he picks up the package.

You move around the island to Rui's side nonchalantly with the steel bowl of cut vegetables in your hand. While the vice-captain is distracted, you set it next to the stovetop. 

“I have a few hybrid plants in budding stages that will probably interest you guys. I'll let you know when they're ready.” Rui peels off his gardening gloves and stuffs them in his pocket as he talks. He must have put them on in the cellar and is likely planning to wash his hands again.

Now is as good a time as any, right?

You creep forward a bit closer, your eyes locked on his naked right hand hanging loosely at his side for the moment.

“Really? Are they a blend of any of these?” Jiro asks. 

Holding your breath you mentally apologize to Rui in advance. If your impulsivities result in disaster, you hope he will blame you. You outstretch your arm, fingertips just centimeters away.

“Yeah, actually! Here let me show you a photo…”

Shit! 

“YOLO,” You whisper under your breath.

Just as Rui's hand reaches for his pocket and he starts to turn around, you shut your eyes tight and wrap your fingers around his.

The room goes dead silent. Your hand is warm. You're not dead are you?

“What, did it work? Move your camera closer, I can't see!” 

The sound of Yuri's voice causes you to snap your eyes open. Your eyes instantly meet Rui's. He understandably looks completely horrified as he gawks at your linked hands.

“(Y/N)... What did you do?” Rui manages, his voice uncharacteristically fragile. 

Feeling the aftereffects of an adrenaline rush, you take it a step farther and bring his hand to your lips, placing a kiss on the back of it. You smirk at him, bathing in a sense of victory. “Um, the Gods just think we would be mega cute together, duh!”

Heat crawls up Rui's neck as he stands there, jaw slack and at a loss for words.

“AAAGH! W-WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHEN I AM ON VIDEO CALL…?!” Yuri screeches.

You lower Rui's hand and turn your gaze to Jiro holding up his phone. 

“You told me not to let them know you're here. That would probably be part of it,” Jiro replies monotonously.

“IRRELEVANT! W-WHO DOES THAT WITH COMPANY PRESENT?!” Yuri yells back indignantly. 

Jiro scratches his head, staring at the screen in front of him. “(Y/N) does…?” 

Yuri huffs on the other end. After a brief pause his voice comes, far less elevated this time. “Obviously, that was rhetorical! Tch…! A-Anyway… Honor Student, can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” You reply back. 

“Good! I would like to run some tests, so go with Jiro back to Mortkranken, if you know what's good for you!”

“But I was helping Rui with cooking,” You protest.

“It's fine, you should go,” Rui interjects a little too quickly, his voice cracking. 

You look at him, puckering your lips into a pout. “Huh? But…”

Rui turns his head towards Jiro. “If you could wait at the bar I'll send her to follow you out. I want to talk with her for a sec… alone.”

Jiro nods. “Okay, then it's settled. Ending the call now.”

It sounds as if Yuri is about to protest, but the Mortkranken vice-captain abruptly hangs up on him. Jiro bows slightly. “I'll be seeing you momentarily, (Y/N). Thank you again for the herbs, Rui. Text me those photos of the hybrids when you have a chance.”

“Yup, yup! No problem,” Rui replies.

You watch Jiro exit the room before diverting your attention back to Rui. He is staring at your still linked hands. You hadn't noticed it until now, but he appears to be trembling a bit. The urge to wrap your arms around him overwhelms you, but you wait.

“Do you want me to let go?” You ask carefully.

“This feels different,” Rui murmurs with an unreadable expression as he rubs his thumb soothingly over the back of your hand. “Something is protecting your energy. I can’t drain it. What changed?”

You explain the situation and the details of the curse, not leaving out any information. It's obvious by the way his expression hardens when you explain the negative aspects that he's not completely on board with this.

“(Y/N)... this isn't a solution.” Rui breaks away from your touch, settling himself against the side of the island.

“Huh? Well, I mean… It kind of is,” You argue. “As long as I'm careful…!”

The vice-captain creases his brow, giving you the most stern look you've probably ever seen him wear. “One wrong move and this could totally go south. What if I was standing on the second floor and you just forget? Or what if I do?”

“Then, we just… don't?” You suggest lamely. “Trust me, I wouldn't want you to deal with that if something bad happened, so I'll do my best.”

“Do you hear yourself right now?” Rui's tone comes out exasperated. “Why the hell is that your first thought? This isn't something inconsequential– it's your life on the line!” 

“You don't think I don't know that?” You keep your tone steady as you attempt to explain your case. “I touched you because I was willing to take that risk.”

“That's what's worse! You could have died just a few minutes ago, you weren't even sure!”

You shift your eyes to the side. “Well… Ed was pretty sure.”

“Pretty sure isn't sure, (Y/N)!” Rui snaps, his voice elevated.

Any reply you may have catches in your throat. You don't have an excuse for yourself. This was a possible outcome, you knew it, but actually seeing Rui angry and raising his voice over this left you with mixed emotions. Maybe this was a little selfish on your part. Should you have asked?

But if you did, Rui would have never allowed you to touch him. You're certain of that much.

You're not sure the kind of expression you were making, but the vice-captain appears contrite in a matter of seconds. 

“Sorry… I didn't mean to yell,” Rui flits his gaze to the floor. “Look, you should go for now, okay? We can talk about this later. Once I've had time to think.”

“...Yeah, I'll do that.” You give Rui a brief once over before walking towards the door. Just before you're about to exit, you turn your head one last time. The vice-captain still has his eyes trained on the floor in front of him.

“Your hands are really soft. And you smell nice up close,” You remark, your lips curling into a smile.

Rui glances towards you. His eyes widen in surprise as he's seemingly taken off guard by the comment. 

“Okay that's all, bye-bye!” 

With that you bolt out the door, feeling a little bit giddier about the whole thing.

–

A couple days have passed since you touched Rui. The two of you hadn't seen each other since, but you had exchanged a few brief texts in greeting. Nothing of substance considering you still had a lot to talk about. In due time, you told yourself.

Currently, you were crouched down in a plot of soil with a basket in your hands, harvesting some crops. You planted them a little over a month ago in Jabberwock after Towa had taught you a thing or two about caring for plants, and Haru gave you the tools necessary to do so. The Jabberwock Captain's expertise is mainly in caring for the anomalies, but he had the resources to make it happen. 

Since you helped Haru out pretty frequently with daily chores, he had been more than willing to let you borrow an extra piece of fenced in land. You made sure to pick a fast growing and low maintenance crop that would be useful for cooking. Did you cook? Not really often– your equipment had been pretty limited at the cathedral.

Secretly, you had planned to give these to Rui at some point. 

Hopefully he liked baby beets. And hopefully he wasn't still mad at you in the upcoming weeks. Coincidentally, you selected a crop with a long shelf life too. 

You continued to grip the leafy parts of the vegetables as you shimmied the ripe crops from the ground and tossed them in a basket as you went. The sun was already beginning to set, but you wanted to swing by here despite the long day you had. You had just gotten back from a mission. It wasn't particularly labor intensive, but you hadn't gotten the best sleep the last few days. 

You're so absorbed in the task at hand that when you hear a random thudding sound against wood, you nearly tip over from your crouched position. Flicking your gaze to where you thought you heard the source, you find nothing. Just the wooden fence post standing in a patch of grass, nothing out of the ordinary.

Must have been a rabbit, or something.

You were super invincible now anyhow, right? So, basically you could take on anything in this grassland that tried to pull up on you. If anything they should be scared of you! Yeah…

Swallowing your trepidation, you continue working and harvest each crop in linear order– just to make sure you don't miss any. It isn't long before your basket is overflowing with vegetables. When you pluck your last baby beet from the dirt, you breathe out a sigh of relief as you throw it on top.

“Finally,” You mutter to yourself as you stand upright. Your back brushes against something when you do. At first you assume you had gotten closer to the fence than you had previously thought, but that theory is debunked almost immediately when you hear an all too familiar voice behind you.

“Shit…!” 

You hear something thud to the ground. Flipping around, you find an all too familiar blond pretty boy lying flat on his back in the grass, with his bladed artifact lying next to him. 

“Wow… creeper alert,” You deadpan as you look down at Rui, suppressing a spiel of laughter. 

Rui props himself up on his elbows and smiles, his face flushed with embarrassment. “I totally resent that, y'know. Creeper is a strong word.”

“If you wanted to hang out, you could have asked,” You comment, regarding him with an amused expression. 

“Ah…” Rui sits up fully, running his gloved fingers through his sunny tresses. “I actually was on my way to do something else.”

You quirk an eyebrow at him. “What, in Jabberwock?”

Rui laughs nervously, averting his gaze to somewhere on the grass in front of him. “Ah… not exactly?”

You set the basket down next to you and lean on the wooden fence separating the two of you. “So, how long have you been following me?”

“I plead the fifth? Article thirty-eight for Japan? At least until I explain my case better,” Rui says, appearing guilty.

“Alright, you better. Or else I'll start to think you're in love with me,” You tease.

“Well, you wouldn't be completely off base,” Rui counters flirtatiously. 

A sense of relief floods over you as you witness his more characteristic behavior. You just smile expectantly in return. 

“So… I was trying to get some intel that is unrelated to you, but I noticed you heading here kind of late. And I was worried so I had a change of plans,” Rui pauses, tenting his eyebrows in concern. “When were you planning on going home, by the way?”

“Soon,” You reply. “When were you planning on revealing yourself?”

“...That wasn't part of the plan,” Rui reluctantly admits, his cheeks flushing pink. “Look, I was just worried– honest. No need to get a restraining order, haha!”

You snort at the idea. “As if. I was waiting for you to come around. You seemed pretty pissed at me the other day. And besides, I need less protection than ever now.”

“Invincibility doesn't stop weirdos from following you around,” Rui argues. “And what if a giant bear anomaly picked you up and then tried to eat you? You'd be toast!”

“There aren't any aggressive anomalies like that in the area. I'm totally safe in that regard.” You smile appreciatively at him. “It's cute that you're looking after me, though. You're the only stalker I'd actively welcome to keep tabs on me.”

Rui stares at you incredulously for a few beats. “I'm not…!” The vice-captain huffs, shaking his head as he dusts himself off and gets to his feet. “You know what? It's fine. Personal stalker at your service, Cutie!”

A giggle spills from you. “Alright, does that mean I can give you orders?”

“Ahaha… orders?” Rui echoes. “I guess if I were to take orders from anyone, it would be you.”

“Spend some time with me?” You ask softly, rather than demand. 

Rui smiles. “Since I'm already here, we might as well.”

The two of you end up sitting relatively close in a plot of grass outside the fence, the sky is now dark enough that it could be considered nautical twilight. Fireflies were even beginning to make an appearance. 

You set your basket close by and flop backwards, opting to lay down flat. “I'm glad I came out here. Today has been productive.”

“Yeah?” Rui copies your actions, lying parallel to you about six feet away. “I didn't realize you were into crops. Should I be offended that you didn't tell me?”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” You admit with a sigh. “I should have known I can't keep anything from you.”

Rui tilts his head towards you, his eyes widen marginally. “What, a surprise for me?”

“Yeah. Well, I hope you like beets. They have a bunch of antioxidants and shit, right?” You ask, flitting your gaze to meet his. 

“Pffft. Yeah, a bunch of antioxidants and shit,” Rui repeats, his eyes crinkling with mirth. “...Thanks a lot, seriously. I'll use them, for sure. And for the record, I do like beets.”

“I guess my hard work paid off, then. Good to know.”

A moment of comfortable silence falls between the two of you. The distant sound of crickets hum in the distance. 

“...Ed mentioned that it wouldn't be good to break your curse, right now. Are you not going to?” Rui suddenly asks.

You idly comb your fingers through the grass. “No, I already talked to Towa and Darkwick staff. Until I can break the curse from Kyklos, this one's here to stay.”

“If it can prevent the transformation… it really is a blessing,” Rui acknowledges earnestly.

“And if it means I can touch you without dying,” You add, smirking as you stare at the sky. 

“...Not without risk,” Rui counters, quieter than before.

“Some risks are worth taking in my book.”

Rui doesn't reply to that.

“...But I don't want to do anything you don't want to do,” You say coolly. “So I won't touch you again without your permission.”

“It's definitely not that I don't want to. I'm just scared shitless of something happening to you,” Rui admits, his voice raspy. “I seriously don't know what I'd do.”

You flip on your side to face him, propping your head in your hand. His golden locks are splayed out around him messily as he stares at the sky. The vulnerable expression on his pretty features makes your heart ache.

“If our roles were reversed, would you touch me?” You ask. “If I had the reaper curse and you had the Antaeus curse?”

Rui creases his brow as he deliberates the prompt. “Honestly…? If I thought you had feelings for me, yeah.”

“So we are in the same boat. Hypocrite,” You accuse playfully. 

Rui flicks his gaze towards you, eyeing you dubiously.

“I love you, you know,” You confess.

Rui's cheeks flush pink at the sudden admission. He brings a forearm over his head, partially shielding his face from you. “Hah… Of all the people here. You seriously have bad taste. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“I feel like I've made it embarrassingly obvious… but the feeling is mutual. I've never met anyone quite like you, (Y/N).”

Your heart hammers in your chest as he admits to returning your feelings. 

Rui continues. “If you ever change your mind, feel free to leave me in the dust. The reaper curse shouldn't be anyone's burden to deal with, but mine. You of all people deserve to be happy.”

“I won't change my mind,” You say with conviction. “If I die trying to give you a smooch, I'd say that's a pretty good way to go.”

An airy laugh spills from Rui. “You're seriously cracked for that.”

You smirk. “Says the one who admitted they would do the same.”

“If you really want to, I won't stop you. But if anything happens, I will haunt you in the afterlife,” Rui jokes morbidly. “So seriously… don't do anything you're not sure is safe. Please.”

That was more than enough of an invitation for you.

You sit up and move right beside Rui. You support yourself with your palm planted in the grass by the left side of his head as you hover over him.

The vice-captain stares up at you, anxiety etched on his beautiful features. 

Reaching your free hand forward, you experimentally touch his face. Rui nearly jumps at the contact, but immediately relaxes when he sees that you remain unaffected. You lightly stroke the flawless skin on his cheeks, then you brush your thumb over his pink parted lips. A gasp escapes Rui when you run your fingers through his bangs. 

Never did you think you'd have the privilege of touching him. 

“You're so pretty.” The words leave your mouth before you can even think about saying them. 

Rui's cheeks heat up as he struggles to hold your gaze. “C'mon, that's my line. You don't have to sweet talk me to get my consent, Cutie.”

Your eyes flutter shut as you lower your face and seal your lips with his. 

Rui responds to your kiss eagerly, his hand immediately finding your waist when you settle more comfortably over him. You can feel his rapid heartbeat as you melt into him, tangling your fingers through his silky soft hair. For a moment, you separate your lips, and the intoxicating scent of his aromatic cologne tangled with skin fills your lungs. 

As if protesting the distance, Rui sits forward, supporting himself with his elbow as he cups his free around your face and brings you in again. Your lips meld together over and over in a subconscious search for a rhythm. But there is none. Touch starved and desperate, the way the reaper continues to kiss you is nothing short of feverish. 

At some point, Rui pulls away and manages to flip you over on your back. eliciting a squeak out of you. Caging you in, he presents an affectionate smile when you look up at him. 

“I think you like this stresses me out a bit less,” He says. 

“Understandable,” You acquiesce, returning a smile of your own. 

“I'll have to set up a room for us on ground level at Obscuary. Mine is currently on the top floor, sooo.” Rui's smile transitions into a mischievous one.

The implication leaves your ears burning and this time– you laugh nervously. “We gotta sit on the floor, though,” You remind him, though he already knows.

“Sit, lay, hands and knees, whatever you want,” Rui counters, looking thoroughly pleased with himself.

At that, you feel all the blood in your body rush to your face. “Y-You…!”

Your reaction must thoroughly entertain the vice-captain, because a laugh bubbles from him. 

“Sorry, sorry! That was dirty. Let's keep going?” Rui tilts his head, his pink eyes searching for your approval. “I'll have to walk you home at this point, anyway. It's already dark.”

You narrow your eyes at him, your voice small as you recover from your embarrassment. “Do you even have to ask that?” 

Rui's lips pull into a delighted grin. “Consent is totally sexy though, right?”

You spent a long time with Rui under the stars that night. 

You lift your hands to his face and pull him forward, bringing him in for another kiss.

[staarboyyy]

Necessary evils | Negotiations chapter ii

Ben [ Soldier boy ] x reader | no pronouns

explicit - minors dni

tags / warnings ; dubcon, reader has vagina, intoxication, weed use, cocaine mentions, slight angst, porn with a plot, destructive mutualization, lap sitting, pleasure denial, grinding ("the knee thing"), slight underwear fetish, m!masturbation, couch sex, free use elements, creampie, verbal threats, reader takes initiative (aka fucks around and finds out, with feelings!), is soldier boy a warning? if so, soldier boy antics!,

summary ; after the night in the alley, you cant help but wonder caused it all.

word count ; 5.3k

a/n ; [ Reposted with a full ending and edits ! Thank you for the support, even on accidental posts :"D] can be a stand-alone fic, but really meant to be a chapter 2 for my first fic on tumblr, Negotiations <3 thank you all for 200 followers, ill never be able to express the gratitude in my heart that has flourished in this community!! heres to writing format improvement, cheers! *tink!

Ben grunted as he pushed himself from the creaky motel couch, sighing quietly while his eyes scanned the room silently - As he landed on a small shoe box pushed underneath a desk, he bent at the waist to grab ahold of it, sliding it out with a hum. Upon flipping open the lip in time with sitting back down on the couch, made way for the harsh and bitter smell of weed and tobacco. His large hands sifted through the different items, plucking a glass pipe and grinder from the box and setting it next to him. The motions of this gave way for a strange familiarity, the smell, and movements of packing the bowl reminding him of hiding weed from his father decades ago. He was always insistent a boy like him should be 'straight-edge', clean, and practically from marble. He gave a quiet chuckle as he brought the pipe to his lips, glancing up at the ceiling. Before down towards the floor. No way in God's green earth had his father made it into Heaven. He gave a light stomp as he flicked the lighter over the bowl - It was muscle memory, though since his father died he made it a point that he'd never rest, not even after death. With a gracious inhale, Ben's lungs filled with smoke, pulling down the thickening barriers of his throat, mind reeling black and white grainy family photos. It made him sick to dwell on his family. Though the exhale cut sharp through his lips, throat stiffening at the burn that sliced that part away from him. He went in for another, heel coming down once more to thump against the floorboards, a smirk now pulling at the corners of his lips. Smoke filled the apartment, not unusual for this time of night, even as it made its way into your sleeping nostrils.

Working with Hughie and Butcher was not your intent. You told yourself this, as you watched the two men unfold into animals, lacing their arms with bands and injecting temp v at any opportune moment. It made it difficult to sleep, knowing the two were out at night, rampaging the streets in hopes of finding Soldier Boy's past team; And also the tense presence of Ben sitting on the couch, just a foot or two away. You stirred at the strong smell, shifting slightly as you adjust yourself on the worn-in couch, propping your elbow up on the armrest with a soft grimace. It wasn't comfortable by any means, but the exhaustion of the day had hit you like a freight train.

"How long was I out?"

"An hour or two. You fuckin' crashed, figured you'd need it."

Nights such as these came with a sense of peace; Like a lion and crane feeding at a watering hole, side by side with eyes unwavering as you do what they must to get by. The peace was faint, gritty between Ben's fingers as he packed a bowl down gently, shifting his jaw. He brought the lighter up to the pipe once again before his eyes set on you- The bowl sizzled as he inhaled, smoke drifting from his nostrils as he effortlessly pulled from the pipe, puffing it as if it were a cigar. His next motion came at a strange interception of his mind and body, hand moving to offer the lit pipe towards you. He gave no words, though it seemed he wouldn't have been able to conduct them into genuine conversation nonetheless.

Typically, you'd shake your head, or wave your hand, leaving the Supe to his devices - Though, the crickets shrouded the night air, pulsating through the thin windows and swelling at the shine of the moon, thick clouds parting like curtains to expose the soft light. This wasn't a night typical for you. You reached out, pursing your lips slightly as his rough skin grazed yours, his thumb lingering on your smaller fingers for a few moments. You tentatively brought the pipe to your lips, eyes casting over the man; He looked painfully human like this, relaxing back into the couch, spreading his thighs with a grunt as he looked back toward you quizzically. You pulled from the pipe, thumb pressing against the small hole, releasing as the bowl crackled a hot orange. The smoke cut down your throat in a harsh wave, coasting over your muscles with a hitched breath as your grip on the pipe tightened slightly, tears wetting the corners of your lashes at the fire lit in your lungs and throat. The smoke escaped you in small puffs, between coughs, dishing in the occasional sip of water from a crinkled 'room service' water bottle. It seemed to entertain Ben strangely, watching you quietly as you recovered from the harsh breath of smoke with an extended hand to take the glass piece back from you. The thick veil of smoke in the air twisted in ribbons as you spoke.

"Remember when you talked about our deal? What made you," You trailed off, recalling the night with a creeping burn ringing in your ears, the feeling of his hands seared into your mind.

"Mhm." Ben didn't miss a beat replying in a deep hum, his eyes now settled closed as he relaxed back into the couch with a sigh. "I don't know. "

He knew the question was coming, though with the anticipation came no rousing answer; In truth, he didn't know. He hadn't been drawn to you before that night, and now finding his pulse speeding due to just being in close proximity of you was... A shift. That was for sure. Ben shifted his jaw slightly, head leaning off to the side a bit. Sex was materialistic, something traded, an exchange - Kissing though. It made Ben's fingers clench into slight fists beside himself, pulling in a slow inhale as his mind returned back to the alley. Your lips against his. The thrum of Ben's heart began to pulse in his temples, rushing down his abdomen as he recalled the feeling of it all. His eyes opened, shifting his weight and keeping his gaze pinned to the space in front of him.  "You think I'm a bad guy?"

"...Yes." You weren't sure what he wanted to hear in that moment, his blue eyes fixated on the spot in front of him as your attention fell from his expression to his hands. How they fisted the spaces in the couch beside himself; Yet the geiger counter Hughie left behind remained still. Not rage, not frustration, or a slew of memories. You couldn't place what was eating away at him, not exactly. Though as you confessed yourself, in a single word - The first thing to come from Ben was a chuckle. His fists uncurled, clearing his throat as his eyes moved over the room with a shake of his head. The answer didn't seem to satisfy him - He didn't know your scale of what was and what was not bad, no way to place where he was in your mind, let alone on a metaphorical scale of morality. He brought a hand to his face, palm, and fingers rubbing at his stubble before looking over toward you. His expression was unreadable, not necessarily negative, the lingering breathy chuckle leaving behind the remains of a smirk. Ben wet his lips, parting them for a moment.

"You scared'a me then?" Ben breathed the question, his tone far different from the one he asked a few moments ago. It was a hardened thought as if he'd already concluded the answer before he even asked - Though he wanted to see it. That moment where the searching in your eyes falls to a fearful pricked gaze, goosebumps on your skin as Ben's question truly dawned on you, the man tilting his head slightly, brows still furrowed. He knew that you were scared, but his face read he had no inkling of such a thing; A truly evil man, is one who can be good when he chooses to be.

"Do you want me to be?"

It was a good answer, one that left Ben in yet another warranted corner, grappling with his rather intrusive blood flow. With another shift of his weight, he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, inhaling sharply through his nostrils. The dust of cocaine surely didn't go unnoticed, Ben wiping the remainder of it from his upper lip with his thumb, and rubbing it over his tongue. He wouldn't let any go to waste, especially considering Butcher would be now... less inclined to support his rather persistent habit. It showed though; That widened gaze, pupils dilating and lips parting just enough to make way for slow breaths - The smell of whiskey and tobacco. He was always high, smoking even more than Frenchie, but there was a strange tension when he cut lines on the coffee table in front of everyone. It was a different level, the elated silver of his blue eyes pinning people to the spot, unwavering, unblinking. Terrifying, And yet there you sat.

"I think you're already past that. The whole scared thing. I mean shit, you're damn well traumatized."

"I'm stronger than you realize, you know?"

"I could pin you with one hand and take you over my knee with the other." Your throat dried, his gaze inspecting your reaction with a tentative inhale, breathing out a hum as he reached for the pipe still white-knuckled in your hand. He wasn't wrong - He had proved that, yet your stomach twisted into a tight knot at his little hesitation to make it crystal clear. His index and middle finger curled inwards twice, gesturing to the pipe with his eyes still searing into yours. You handed it over with a quiet sigh, eyes breaking away from his before he could dig himself deeper into your mind. You weren't sure how he did it, explored the darkest pits of your mind and clutching them with a forceful intimacy. You recalled the kiss, intermingled with hitched gasps and pleads for mercy, as your hand grazed his. It was warm, his ravenous hands working in stark contrast to the sudden plush in his voice and groans. It was nearly human. Ben paused for a tense moment, eyeing the pipe and parting his lips as the warmth of your skin rested against the callous of his own. You chewed your lip, sneaking a glance at the man who now visibly gathered his thoughts, tensing his jaw as he surrendered the words away, pursing his lips to punctuate his silence.

Sometimes you still wonder what he was going to say. Before he pulled his hand back from yours, before clearing his throat as he caught your stolen glimpse. He set the pipe down onto the small table, watching the bowl fizzle out with you, the black layer slowly crumbling to a dull white ash.

"I was going to ask why you kissed me,"

"I know." You tensed, half expecting him to be far past dozed off during the rolling periods of silence between you. Your eyes moved from the long put-out bowl to look in his direction, though he was already looking at you. The weight of his gaze fell onto your shoulders, beading down your body in slow waves. Ben wet his lips, pursing them once again; And you knew that was all you were going to get. It was nearly impossible to pry him from his mind when he sunk back, his eyes distant for a bleary second, before being blinked away, darting around for the closest vice to pull him back.

But there you were. His vice. The drug no material high could compete with, your soft lips shaping into words he could hardly conceptualize past the thick veil of his rushing pulse. He wanted to constrict himself, for the sake of himself, clench his damn fists and look away from your lips. He swallowed, jaw tight as you leaned closer to him in an inaudible allure, tying the both of you to a painful high. You could feel his breath, hot against yours as he inhaled slowly, his hands unlocking themselves from the couch to reach toward you.

     As Ben's large hands moved, he inhaled deeply, his eyes never leaving your lips. The warmth of his skin against yours sent an electric shiver down your spine, and you found yourself leaning your body closer to him. He swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat and conflict in his eyes, the battle between his selfish desire and his self-control. But as he allowed you to press your weight against his own, his lips brushing against yours, you knew that he had lost the war. 

     Bens's lips moved against yours, slow, painstakingly hesitant as if you were made from glass. His hands moved to your waist, pulling your body closer to him as he deepened the kiss. You could taste the weed on his tongue, mixing with bitter liquor, the soft scratch of his stubble rubbing against your skin. You moaned softly against his mouth, your hands moving to his chest, clutching tightly at the collar of his sweatshirt, still dotted with water from his hair. He groaned, the sound deep, and pulled from his chest, a breath of surprise passing his nostrils as you pulled yourself impossibly closer to him. Your legs rested beside his, straddling his lap as your fingers moved to his cold wet hair, tangling themselves through the soaked strands. His tongue traced your bottom lip, his mouth practically watering as you began to grind yourself down against his stiffening cock. A familiar pulse strung itself in your desperate movements, an instinctive dance you couldn't help but lose yourself in, your heart thrumming in your chest, heartbeat quickening in your ears. You took in a ragged breath, lips still pressed messily to his as his hands gripped your hips with a pleading grunt.

"What're you doin' to me, huh baby?" Ben whispered against your glossy lips, his eyes still closed, forehead gently resting against yours. You wish you could answer feasibly, and bring your swelling need to words, but the feeling of being against him was intoxicating. His grasp was like steel, unwavering, fingers moving in practiced gropes, invasively pulling your thighs further apart with little effort on his end. Your struggles, the moments your thighs hitch together or your back arches an inch out of place, were hardly anything to him. His hands molded you in forceful need, the heat of your skin and the sound of your breathing; He wanted it all, all of your weight against his statuesque body, the feeling of the gathering heat between your thighs grinding against his cock. 

"Deals a deal," You reminded the Supe with gritted teeth, pulling on the hair at the nape of his neck. Though it did nothing, hardly feeling like a tug, he tilted his chin up, relaxing his shoulders into the couch. Your heart thundered in your chest - You felt like a mouse balancing on the paw of a lion waiting to strike, as you pestered and teased him. He clawed into your hips, palming your ass with a shudder as you lowered your head to his jaw. Your lips traced his stubble, humming softly as you reached his neck, grinding your hips down against him.

"Oh, is that what this is?" Ben spoke in a shallow rumble. "I should'a known better." You felt yourself lift from his lap, his hands bringing you into the air with ease to lay your back on the couch, grunting softly as he pinned your hands beside your head, positioning himself above you. Your breath swam shallow in your chest, swirling from your lips in a mix of moans and echoed pleas. For just a split second, the crushing heat of fear cut through your arousal in a searing slash, your thighs quivering, instinctually going to snap together. Ben's knee caught the space between your legs before you could deny him further, his pressing need to predict your movements drawing a whimper from your throat. He was like stone, no matter how your thighs wriggled, it all resulted in your clit pressing snug against his knee. You could feel your cheeks burning, rushing with the same heat that pulsed itself in your aching cunt. Ben watched your expression shift, releasing your wrists slowly as he pressed his knee experimentally against your heat. You let out a pitiful mewl, watching him slowly reach one of his hands down to grope his clothed length, the veins in his arms bulging as he dipped his fingers past his waistband with a sharp exhale.

     The noises you made stirred something in him, his cock twitching with each strained breath that caught your throat. Ben tugged the waistband of his sweatpants down, wetting his lips with a strained grunt as he freed his aching length. You shuddered, feeling his gaze on your face as you watched him wrap his hand over his thick shaft, moving in time with a slow grind against your pussy. Precum pearled at the tip, his thumb rubbing over his slit with a sharp exhale as he gazed at you hungrily.

You'd never forget those eyes, obscured by the drape of his dripping hair as he stroked himself to the image of you before him. Sweat beaded on his temple, brows arching as your back did, letting out a soft grunt as his eyes clung to your features. Ben's other hand released your wrist; He knew well enough he didn't have to restrain you to get what he wanted. His fingers traveled over your arm, rough palm rubbing against your burning cheek, before hitching his grip to the waistband of your thin shorts. His thick fingertips pushed past the fabric with an eased grunt, stretching the elastic band down to expose your underwear. Ben's jaw tensed before his lips fell open to take in a gritted gasp, gripping his cock as it pulsed at the mere sight of you. Your thighs swell over the edges of your underwear, the pearls of sweat pooling in the curves of your features. The air was thick with your hot breathing, eyes pinned on his cock, and how you affected him with each piece of clothing peeled back. Though by the time you had shed your shorts, his patience had worn thin, standing to his feet to properly rid of his sweatpants; Your breath caught in your throat as you did your best to keep up with the man's motions, how quickly his muscular arms crossed over his wide shoulders, pulling the sweatshirt from himself. Scars etched through his skin behind his chest hair, moving with his body as he sauntered toward you.

"Take everything but those lil' panties off, before I rip it all off you sugar."

You manage to comply, prying away the fabric confining your now sweat-glazed skin, pooling in the curves of your body. You could hear his breathing hitch with every article shed from your frame, your shirt discarded messily over your head. You were left as he wanted, as he demanded, head lulling off to the side as you looked up at him. Ben looked almost smug, satisfied as his hand, unmoving at the base of his aching cock, began to stroke slowly, lips parting as he admired you. Your hands clutched at the spaces beside you on the couch, imagining how your nails would feel grinding into his shoulders, raking down his back. The heat wound tight around your senses, breathing shallow as he took two steps toward you, free hand extending to tap your knee with his index and middle finger.

"Open these up, don't be all innocent now." He spoke in a husk voice, blue eyes perched on your chest, admiring how it contoured in decadent shadows with each of your delicate breaths. You wanted to hesitate, though his calloused fingers remained unmoving on your knee. Your body rushed in a hot pulse, cheeks searing as the thought dawned on you.

If you didn't open them, he would simply do it for you.

"That's it now, pumpkin." You shuddered from his pleasure at your eyes leering away from his invasive stare, knees wobbling slightly as you spread them for the man in front of you. They were a simple white pair, nothing special you thought; You dimly remember pulling them on this morning, eyes raking over yourself in the mirror with a chew of your lip. You would never imagine someone taking such a violent and carnal need to see you like that - Like this, Ben's fingers sliding down from your knee to the soft of your thigh. He kneaded your flesh, shamelessly jerking his cock as his touch left a fire in its path, rampaging your mind as he drew closer and closer to your needy heat. A whine hummed through your chest, perhaps racketeering with a man known for his selfish dalliances was less than wise, you thought - Regret, hesitation, it pulsed in your mind in an evil concoction, it strung tight in the path of his hot touch, how small grunts escaped him with each arch of his rough palm against his member. You wanted to sputter an excuse, your lips parting, the words about to spill from them; Before his hand rested on your cunt. The strings that tightened your throat, binding each one of your movements to him and his reaction to you, snapped. Your stomach fluttered as if you were on a rollercoaster, the aching tension of the rattling chain releasing, the traction giving way to an indescribable rush and sending you rocketing downwards. You knew you were being pulled, chained, and bound to the force of a man above you, all by the tips of his fingers now circling your clit in time with his strokes.

"Fuck," You huffed shakily, hardly able to conduct the electric shivers stippling your movements as you let your weight relax into his fingers. Your hips rocked slowly, clit pressed snug against the calloused warmth of his fingers. Ben's hand moved with a deliberate rhythm, his thumb flicking over your clit as his fingers danced circles around it. He watched your body, the way your chest rose and fell, the way your eyes fluttered, and your lips parted. His breathing grew ragged, and he grunted with each stroke of his cock, the head glistening with precum. You felt the fire inside you, spreading from your core, igniting every nerve ending. The room seemed to fade away, leaving only your body, Ben's touch, and the sounds of your own ragged breaths.

"Look'atchya," Ben whispered, his voice thick with a pillowy rumble. "Soaking through your panties," You didn't didn't respond, your throat too tight to form the words. You only nodded, silently pleading, the motion of your head sending another lashing rush, the pangs of denied pleasure practically agonizing.

Ben's eyes met yours, a hunger and a want for you in them. He licked his lips and leaned in, his breath hot against your cheek. "You're fucking depraved," He whispered, his fingers dipping pulling at the thin cotton, hot against your sensitive flesh. He smirked, his thumb now toying in circles over your clit, pulling it taut with each pass. "Gettin' all wet for a bad man like me,"

Your back arched with a moan, head falling back against the couch, his words sending a thrilling shiver down your spine. The way he spoke to you, the way he looked at you, it was all far past intoxication. You felt like you were drowning in lust, the water rising higher and higher, threatening to swallow you whole. His fingers played with you, circling your clit with a deeper pressure, teasing you, making you squirm.

Ben's other hand slid up your thigh, grasping the underside of your knee, pulling you closer, and simultaneously spreading your legs. His cock, thick and heavy, rested on the soft mound of your pussy, teasing you with the promise of what was to come. You whimpered, needing more, needing him.

"Please, Ben," You begged, your voice a ragged whisper. You'd damn yourself later for sounding so pathetic eyes stinging with tears of need, cheeks hot with your desperately rushing pulse. He watched you for a sick moment, holding his thumb to your clit, lips twitching into a sadistic smirk as your squirmed frantically. You shuddered out a gasp, frustrated and desperate. His fingers stilled on your pussy, Ben's rough palm now stroking the base of his member. Your body jerked slightly, the denied pleasure mingling with a bitter pain. Ben's lowered the head of his cock, letting his girth slide between your pussy lips with a strained grunt. Pressed against your glossy entrance, rubbing against it in slow circles now, your hands reached his shoulders, nails carving into the muscular flesh.

"Beg for it."

And you did. You remember your lips hanging open, drawing in shallow breaths as you couldn't tear your eyes from the tip of his cock; How he teased you with each small breach. Tears wet your lashes, shame and need wrestling in your chest with each heaving breath between obscene words. You couldn't recall the words, the magic phrase you spoke to please him just enough to give you what you craved more than anything. It was too foggy, too spun out by the responding movement of Ben's hips.

"Nasty little thing," The man praised, hooking your knees against the curve of his elbows, yanking your ass to the edge of the couch. You cried out quietly, unable to gather your breath before the hot boiling mix of pleasure and pain began to wash over your sweat-glazed body. He slid inside, slowly at first, lip twitching as he groaned quietly. Your cunt pulled him in, the velvety breathlessness of your moans and pleads beckoning him to fill you. When his hips hit yours, the pillowed warmth of your ass slapping gently against his thighs, he admired you for a fleeting second - How your cunt wrapped over the hilt of his cock, your hips already rocking as the bitterly sweet familiar feeling of him swept you away entirely. You'd never admit to him how perfectly he fit inside, how a tugging part of your heart yearned to hear his soft moans, to hear him plea for you. Though with a hesitant draw of your eyes to meet his, you could feel the ice-hot revelation shackling your aching cunt around him, how his refusal to use you slowly seemed to short-circuit your blinded mind. He knew what you wanted; But he knew the darker side of you as well. The part of you that could never love him, but craved his calloused touch, the taste of his whiskey, the smell of his smoke. Ben thrust violently into you, the couch creaking in sharp squeaks as he practically lifted your ass from the edge of the couch, eyebrows knitting together as the new angle set a flame in his movements. Your breathing couldn't keep up, sweat dampening your hair as your hands uselessly held onto his shoulders with white knuckles. Your words floundered from between your plush lips, eyes rolling back with the rushing force of each one of his thrusts. It spun your feeble mind, melting in his hands, your grasp falling away from his shoulders with a pathetic sob. It was useless; Whether you were moaning in ecstasy, or fighting tooth and nail, he could use you when he saw fit. Use you brutally, your cunt quivering around his invasive cock, his hands moving to your waist now.

"Stop your fuckin' squirmin'!" You hadn't realized you were until his rough hands pinned you down to the worn fabric of the couch below you. He palmed your hips like a sex toy, admiring the feeling of your pussy continuing to milk him despite stilling inside of you. The head of his intrusive member pressed and rested in the small curve of your cervix. His eyes sized you down, undressing your naked body, pulling the innocence from his perspective of you; This is how you wanted him to treat you? To admire you for a transient instant before reeling his hips back, and snapping them forward with a vulgar clap of your ass. He stayed deep inside, only pulling out a few inches before slamming back, stamping the head of his cock against your cervix, pushing you to your absolute limit - All with a sickening smirk on his face, beads of sweat falling down in small pools down the curve of his jaw and prominent edges of his muscular neck and chest. Your hands explored every inch of his skin, drinking down whatever opportunity to feel him, to pry underneath the facade. Sparks flared behind the thin lids of your eyes, lashes wet and messy with tears, cheeks aflame as your body followed in smoldering suit. Ben didn't let up his thrusts, the telling pulse of your eager cunt, the incandescence moans choked from your throat. "That's it now angel, that's right - That's it, soak my cock, baby." The man's voice was mesmeric, unable to pull his attention from the unsteady breath in your growing moans. The undeniable limerence pulsated in his veins, the simple sound of your voice threatening to spill him over the edge. The ambrosial tone of your connection bound your senses to him, all the hot sparks that frayed your skin now tightened themselves in your aching cunt.

"Cum for me," Ben's words hardly pressed past the thick veil that lashed and licked hungrily at your heartbeat and body, a hot white pleasure shocking your quivering cunt. The man above you groaned, pulling your hips down to meet his, the sudden sensation of his cum filling your convulsing cunt washing over your hot skin. You tensed, legs locking around the other's waist. He gripped the back of the couch, splintering and cracking the wood underneath his iron grasp, shuddering out a hissed breath with each shallow thrust of his hips. His movements slowed, drips of his sweat dotting your skin, the heat of your mingling breaths thickening the oxygen you gasped desperately for. Slowly, he pulled himself from your pussy, letting out a strangled moan as the tip popped out, his warm cum following in a slow trickle.

Your eyes were half-lidded, eyes swimming up to find Ben, watching his toned body pull away from you, his slick cock still half erect, your juices dripping messily down his strong thighs. Your legs shook, still raised, as if stuck in that obscene position until he demanded you do otherwise - Though when the warmth of his palm met the soft of your trembling thigh, he pushed down slowly. Your legs relaxed, meeting the couch with a grunt, Ben's hand lingering on your skin for a brief moment. You knew the pain would come later, the bruises flowering over your hips, returning to the silent tension that Ben insisted was better for both of you. He took a seat beside you, his chest rising and falling with a steadying breath before looking towards you with a lazy chaste expression.

"You tell anyone about this, I'll fuckin' kill ya." You couldn't help but turn your head, speaking softly between gasps for air.

"If you were really going to kill me, Ben - You would have done it already."

[drbased]

ok I have to talk about 'the dialectic of sex' by shulamith firestone because it was one of the first proper feminist books I read and I didn't have the confidence back then to address this book:

so this is still the only book I've read so far that actually uses the words 'radical feminist' - except her definition of this politics is essentially transhumanist luxury space communism. because her understanding is that the 'root' of women's oppression is our reproductive capacity and therefore no matter what happens society will never fully be able to share the burden of childbirth and child-rearing across both sexes.

this book feels so evocative of its time - like there was a small window of pure hope shortly after the invention of the pill and the hippy movement where everything entirely changed for women. like, think about it: up until that point unless you use some sort of condom (which men don't like using - and also not 100% effective anyway) you're basically always vulnerable to being impregnated by a man during piv, which is considered the basic form of sexual intimacy wth men, which women are expected to engage in to be considered full members of society. so women would have all been in some sort of constant state of low-key fear; one sex - or rape - away from having a child that would change their entire existence. that's got to really fuck you up, especially your relationship with your own body. and you could get an abortion but only if you're incredibly lucky, and still getting an abortion is probably more like surviving a car crash than anything - like you're glad you made it through but also you're still damaged psychologically and probably physically as well. and it's such a silent fear as well - because women are supposed to want babies and babies just happen so you're not allowed to complain that this is because your husband always wants sex and he's the one who impregnates you but if he does people say 'she got herself pregnant again'. like there's layer upon layer of psychological terrorism surrounding men's impregnation of women and that's gotta mess you the hell up.

so the invention of the pill - holy shit, just imagine it. the hope. you can take the pill in secret, you can take the power back, you're not uniquely vulnerable to your own bodily forces anymore, that gives you time to fucking think, to be alive, to feel, to feel vulnerable, to feel free. it's like literal magic. if the most basic of happenings - pregnancy - can be actually prevented, then what else can we do to the body? what else can science do for us?? how more free can we get?? It's women's first time to (ironically) feel like a god, able to transcend the body. I'm actually surprised that I've not found more writings like shulamith's - that there weren't more women spurred on by this amazing discovery into further transhumanism. I guess the problem was that women were starting to notice that whilst women were able to change their own individual lives with the pill, that wasn't making men behave any differently.

but I still find it fascinating how this definition of radical feminism hasn't survived at all. as it stands on radblr, the 'root' of women's oppression is men, and therefore the only real solution is separatism. but like, what happened to the brand of feminism that says, uhhhh isn't it actually kinda fucked up that half the human race are burdened entirely with pregnancy, birth and child-rearing? and could we maybe be freed from that if we used science to bring about children another way? I'm not even agreeing with her that that would solve everything (because regardless even if we *could* make babies in a tube, that doesn't mean all women are going to magically become infertile, and it certainly doesn't mean than men are going to be less violent against us), but I'm very interested in questioning what the 'root' of women's oppression is - because modern 'radical feminism' has a lot of gaps to allow for a simplistic narrative that I'm sure many in the community, definitely myself included, are rapidly tiring of. and I think it shows in the separatism debate, which rages on because no one can think of any other solution, because the unspoken tenet is that what the 'root' is is solved and agreed-upon, and therefore the answer is just so damn obvious that the women who don't agree must be scared and stupid. I've been wanting to address this in some form or another for years now, and I guess I'm dipping my toes in it now.

at the very least, I'd like to know if someone has a good source on where the term 'radical feminism' came from and how its meaning has evolved over the years. in ariel levy's 'female chauvinist pigs' she touches on this debate that started in the late seventies that led to the fracturing of feminism and the creation of liberal feminism - and it seems to be along these same lines of separatism vs fucking men. I've always found it odd that there's essentially no middle ground here - like you don't need to embrace 'sluttiness' in order to want to have a healthy sexual relationship with a man, but it seems the liberal feminist side chose that, meanwhile the only other 'mainstream' option seems to be separatism. obviously a lot of the women in radblr don't actually fully agree with that - but all us hetties are suspiciously silent on that subject.

to me the issues with separatism go further than simply sex with men - sure it's psychologically good for you to only purchase from women owned businesses and only read books by women etc etc, and it financially uplifts other women. but also we live under capitalism, which obscures our reliance on each other. when you buy from that woman-owned business, the person delivering your package is likely to be male, the person who assembled the vehicle he drives is likely to be male, the person who constructed the roads he drives on is likely to be male. this is not to say that men are vital - but rather, your 'separatist choice' is a fundamentally capitalistic one that exists more for your peace of mind than being anything actually radical - as in, nothing about the 'root' of women's oppression is addressed in doing so. there's no ethical consumption under capitalism yadda yadda. and only speaking to women irl is also less of a capitalist action but still ultimately an individual one. there's so much emphasis on personal actions as the height of feminism and it screams liberal individualist to me. like you took 'the personal is political' and ran with it.

but if the root of the problem is men, then that's simple, isn't it? just don't interact with men. don't have sex with men. don't pay men, apart from the men who happen to be an inescapable part of the supply chain, they will inevitably get paid by your actions anyway, but you don't have to think about that because that's what capitalism does: it makes you think you have this magical power as an indvidual to make real radical choice in the world, to 'vote with your dollar'.

I'm not exactly calling for firebombing a walmart but I'm bored with the capitalism-loving individualistic liberalism of what this community calls 'radical feminism' - but that same thought-terminating cliche keeps getting thrown at us: 'we're radical, which means we grasp at the root, and the root is male violence, so you can't call yourself a radical feminist if you don't want to do the basic things of not wearing make-up and not fucking men'. and nobody ever seems to stop and question, does any of that actually address the root of our oppression? capitalism isn't the only economic system that has ever oppressed women, but it's the one we live under, and it's very good at sneaking into the backdrop of our lives and naturalising hierarchies - capitalism becomes its own justification, e.g. women choose low-paying jobs just because that's what we gravitate to, yanno?

being genuinely anti-capitalist recomplicates politics all over again, because suddenly it's not an easy men vs women but also men vs women vs rich people, some of whom are women??? and like, what's the solution to that? do we stand with men agains the capitalist system and risk our voices getting silenced, or do we go full single-issue and just go fuck it, capitalism was created by men for themselves like solanas said, so if we stand against men then idk capitalism will just sort of fall by itself? or in reality it's just not addressed at all. separatism itself always sits there as a thought-terminating cliche in and of itself - an accusation ready to be levelled at anyone who wants to question any of these unspoken tenets of radblr. and the goal-post is ever-shifting - separatism is women's land, but if you say that's not a real solution in our capitalist interconnected world then you get accused of not wanting women's spaces because that's obviously what separatism has been about this whole time. also separatism is not fucking men, actually it's not about that it's about prioritising women (vague), and on and on and on - the argument always shifts so the word stays pure. but like, is separatism an end-goal? a political tactic? something you do to enrich your own life and psyche? something to give space for consciousness-raising? I saw someone ages ago claim that the suffragettes wanting the right to vote was somehow separatist because idk, the women were making spaces for themselves? but wanting to involve yourself in male politics is literally assimilationist, no??

I'lm going to stop rambling for now but this was good to get my thoughts out there - I enjoy my theorising in this space but I'm also deeply interested in questioning. I've noticed time and time again that discourse is always stopped by 'you're not a real radical feminist if you do/don't do x' and I've found it really odd and telling that no one's questioned that? like sure I know we've built our whole political framework on 'words mean things' but also it's always worth questioning the definition of 'radical' and what the 'root' of our oppression is, and what we can actually do to address it, and if our narratives and assumptions are too simplistic. the community would be all the better for it imho. I already think the influx of 'tirfs' in the community and the khelif debate has been opening up these unspoken simplistic narratives on the nature of gender vs sex, of socialisation vs low-key biological essentialism, and I think we can push that kind of questioning even further. ramble over.

[clown-activist]

i think the erasure of big, fat an ugly butch lesbians has created this gender void where they where known. Online presences only showing "mascs" and their comparisons to twinks more than butches is creating this strange dichotomy.

You have hyper feminine men in showcases, able to be influencers easily and in the public eye now, but the hyper masculine women are not usually at all. Its as if baby queers are getting handed a base level gender slider to get introduced to things, with the entire far left end of it chopped off, or something...

*clarifier, masc is not a bad term to use, I just feel like butch has become the less desirable version of its role somehow

[lilybug-02]

Wait so how do you know for sure the sprite is Ralsei? No hate, I do believe you haha, but I too am a lore scientist and I wanna know your evidence. Does it show up in-game? I could definitely believe that I saw it in-game and forgot about it :P

YES. Finding legitimate sprites directly from Toby Fox games can be surprisingly difficult. There are so many fan-made character sprites, that it can be hard to differentiate from the real ones!

Guess how many are NOT fan-made? .....only one 🗿

...(please don't question why google is in italian)

Official Websites like Spriters Resource (Ralsei's Offical Sprite Sheet) are very helpful in this regard :)

They may even include unused file graphics. Like this unused face of Ralsei.

Sprite legitimacy is a big rabbit hole that I personally don't have enough knowlege on :( ((BUT OH MY GOSH The internet is notorious for reposting fan-spriteworks without sourcing. It can be really hard to find the original artist.))

It's also HILARIOUS how many people have redone Ralsei's sprite. It is quite obvious from my Ralsei poll and through his mass of fan-redesigns, that many people in the Deltarune community REALLY LOVE his Chapter 1 sprite more.

Ralsei sprite fan-art is amazing and I personally want to mod it into my game bc it looks so good. Below I have some really cool fan-sprites I found and the artists who made them!

Left (Ralsei Ch 2 redesign- metr0nix727), Middle (Ralsei based off Ch 1- larituca), Left (Full Ralsei Chapter 2 Sprite sheet with Hat- artist unknown**)

**this sprite sheet was submitted through Sprites Resource but I traced it back to TaxeisNotOkay, who I presume to be the original artist. I could not find any other information regarding the full sprite sheet, so feel free to correct or inform me if you find anything!

Looking back at Ralsei's Chapter 2 head sprites..... they just don't look as good as they could in my opinion. I dont like them :(...uhhh NO HATE OF COURSE!!..ahklasdkflansdf I'll go jump in this hole now.

[cloudcountry]

i'm noticing that when people request things and i write it for them, sometimes the people i write for dont reblog or give me any feedback. ^^ its starting to get a bit irritating when i take the time to write something and i just get a like from the person. the twst fandom has been talking about this since forever but literally the least you can do is reblog. seriously.

[ronkeyroo]

friends, Id love to plug in my Ko Fi while I try to sort things out and take care of myself through this sensitive period. I’m determined to keep pushing some work to cover for the medical expenses but any passive income on the sidelines while Im letting my body rest will be a huge help ;; If you enjoy my artwork shenanigans and wanna share some support, feel free to toss a coin or two?

For any fandom folk that would want to see more art of your favorite blorbo’s, any donations over 30$ will be rewarded with some more art of whichever blorbo we’re hyping over together, I cant promise something too big but i want to leave some fun options for those who would like to receive some goodies in return ;;

Thank you for everyone who pitches in, as well as for those who cannot afford to and just opt to share this post around - I’m just glad I can have this space with you where art can carry and support us through as both artist and audience ♥

[mellotronmkll]

I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard

[lycanthian]

gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.

[milkweedman]

forcing myself to "eat protein" and "be responsible" after once again encountering a week long period of all my muscles hurt so bad and are so weak despite doing the same thing they always do assuming without checking that it was probably because im eating mostly coffee and plain untoasted bread in small quantities. and its not even a whey bread or 100% whole wheat, ive been trying to use up my bread flour/whole wheat blend (i dumped them in the bucket together, maybe on accident ? unclear) so its just that with whatever else i threw in. spent $6 on the only yogurt in the store that had at least 5 grams of protein per 1/4 cup, which is still very little, only to get home and finally google what the symptoms of protein deficiency are. they are not that. those are the symptoms of Who Fucking Knows, As Always

[astranauticus]

todays orv mood: standing at the water dispenser under my dorm building waiting for my instant noodles to cook just pacing in circles and swearing

[windupaidoneus]

pondering. how hilde felt picking up drk. one of emet's canon classes. did it feel familiar... did he feel some measure of embarrassment when he didn't perform well enough. when fray would get upset with him did he instinctively shut him down because he would expect someone else to nag. someone who he could not even begin to put a name or face on, it just feels like something... innate. this reflex to bite back defensively when he messes up while watched by someone more skilled than him in something. he's not prideful by nature but something within him just pushes him to have some sort of ego when it comes to this in particular

& how he felt when entering ktisis hyperboreia & here emet, "great sorcerer of eld", expected black mage, goes & conjures his weapon of choice for the occasion - a greatsword he's putting to use to protect his party members with the power of the darkness within, though he wouldn't readily admit to it

[wild-at-mind]

I honestly feel so alone in my communities (trans, queer, whatever else) a lot of the time and I can't articulate why to anyone irl.

[marsixm]

my phone breaking right before a hurricane that threw every power system and the wifi out like a finger on the monkeys paw curled when i was wishing to be on my phone less

[skrunksthatwunk]

yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least

[mainfaggot]

I was so anxious today even tho i was on top of my self care slash mental well being basics check-list... I suspect it was the caffeine on top of already worsening anxious Symptoms