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#its like the most heart breaking thing
thefoxesraven · 1 year
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Have I ever ranted about my Kevneil to Kandreil Raven!Neil AU I've had stewing in my mind like a nice pot roast on here?
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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.
#not dislike. its hate#it made me cry several times today#thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers#and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING#its so painful to think of it#today I broke down in the bus and cried#idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside#maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams#the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days#this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste#*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS#the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously#this breaks my heart#dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons#AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔
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faaun · 1 month
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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trans-estinien · 6 months
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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bigothteddies · 2 months
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I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that
A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people
B. Media made for a demographic you aren’t apart of is not inherently bad media
C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.
#unimportant thoughts#i dont feel like dropping specifics in post but like. people online drive me legitimately insane#good example is Ready Player One. its an okay book but people LOVE to hate on it for being a shallow nostalgia grab for old male demographic#and like. yeah. but also comsider that it Was written earnestly by a man in that demographic? and that people enjoyed it???#and maybe im soft hearted but my Dad was a nerd in the 80’s so both of us reading that book and comparing our experiences with it and#learning about his childhood from him. it was awesome yk??? was the book groudbreaking or particularly moving? no#are there a lot of fair criticisms you can make about the book regarding its poorly written female characters and painfully male tone#throughout? absolutely. its not the most vile piece of media its barely mediocre and its not the best thing since sliced bread either#and it kills me because instead of being able to have conversations like thay#people just attack and attack and attack and ATTACK#I don’t know i think the rise of this booktook wattpad level romance smut is another big part of this#are those books incredible? no. definitely not. are they decent? yeah theyre fine enough#are their characters shallow; do they follow tropes; are the characters clearly romanticized objects for us to googoo eye over? yeah#so fucking what??? they arent winning pulitzer prizes theyre just popular online and easily accesible#people love consumbable media thats not an inherently bad thing#and i think its hypocritical for people to defend one and attack the other or even to attack both#media doesnt exist to be appropriately Deep and Meaningful before people are allowed to consume and enjoy it#like. i think theres a LOT of levels of undestanding compassion and respect that people need to reach before these conversations are worth#anything. because right now it really feels like girls and boys arguing back and forth on the playground over whos show is better#anyways. i could go on but i wont.#bottom line i suggest you take a deep look at how ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ the media you enjoy actually fucking is before you start#critizing other media for being too shallow or unrealistic depictions of something#hate to break it to you guys but 90% of fictional characters are fictional and dont act like people irl ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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chickenoptyrx · 1 year
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Do you have any radtiz raises gohan fanfic recommendations?
Ive never read any, but im not really the person to ask and im absolutely sure they exist.
Anyone feel free to reblog or comment with a link to fics you'd recommend or have written about raditz raising gohan :U preferably with either a bit of info on why you liked it or a summary
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rimeah · 5 months
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I learned how important brush stroke directions are from doing embroidery so I'm hacking the system (my brain) next by embroidering flowers until I can paint them
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lorephobic · 6 months
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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?
#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love#and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me#she is. the most important person in my life#and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her#like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this#if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh#what more could i ever ask for#but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right#even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be#in just over a year#when she's making enough money for it#she plans on moving into a place of her own#which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing#i thought we were going to move into a house together#i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke#but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t#give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs#its what sufjan would have wanted#fucked up terrible no good week
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ectonurites · 9 months
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SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR. KEVIN PHILLIPS
#super dark times#zach taylor#allison bannister#sam edits#if you listen closely you can hear the sound of both mine and Allison's hearts breaking! <3#ok but fr: i know this is gifs. so no sound. but the WAY he DELIVERS the 'you've got a bump on your head' line makes me NUTS#it's so soft. it's so fond. it's... it's a punch in the fucking gut. he likes her *so much* but he *can't let himself have this nice#thing with her* because he's *being eaten alive by guilt he can't accept & won't let himself be happy because of it* and SHE DOESN'T KNOW!#like the thing. the thing is. when you watch SDT you're along the ride with Zach and his POV of everything. despite the obvious paranoia#& guilt warping his perspective/influencing his behavior—we can see where that's all coming from. we understand the motivations#behind the actions he takes. but ALLISON? Allison has no fucking clue what's going on! from Allison's perspective... Zach is this guy she's#known for a while (like they make a point of *telling us* in one of the earliest scenes that Zach feels weird talking about her in the#detached way they may talk abt other people in their grade they barely know—because it's *different* since he and Josh *actually know her*#plus in the script [and it STILL COUNTS TO ME because she *starts* saying the line but just gets cut off by Dennis] Allison brings#up Zach & Josh having had a silly handshake since 7th grade ['oh god that used to make me pee!' <- girl why would u say that to him]#so it's like... these are kids who've known each other for years!) and he's got this obvious fucking crush on her (the hallway scene where#he is. blatantly staring and she catches him for a second) and the moment she decides to actually start pursuing him because SHE'S#got a crush on HIM too... he starts pulling away and acting erratic and sending her the most mixed signals in the fucking world.#and sheee THINKSSS ITS HERRR FAULT!!!!!!!! like. listen. this scene i giffed above? this is what she's fucking talking about later#when she jokes about not wanting to 'scare him off again'. like sure she says it like a joke but... uhm. i simply think there's#a certain amount of truth to it too—because he DID leave the party visibly freaked out! and i think it'd be perfectly believable for her#to think that it was at least partially HER pushing too hard that was causing him to withdraw/pull away from her. plus she blatantly says#she thinks she's the reason Josh & Zach are fighting. like. this poor girl is on the outskirts of a tragedy she'll probably NEVER know the#details of but she's seeing firsthand the impact it's having on Zach and... blaming herself... that's so fucking heartbreaking
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otogariado · 1 year
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i get why people would opt to say walter was a terrible person since the beginning, but i think that's like, the most boring takeaway you can get about his character. he was already insecure and prideful from the start, and it's what would hurt him and keep hurting him. but like, being insecure and prideful are regular traits any regular person can have. the actions that he makes because of these traits, which in turn keep fueling his ego more and more, are what makes him an interesting character. and he was already pretty capable of hurting other people, but he wasn't doing it out of malice, but more because of careless selfishness at first. what makes walter terrifying is that the more he does it, the more he becomes aware of what he's doing, and the more he keeps going and keeps being more and more meticulous and deliberate about what he does that hurts people and even to the point when it was specifically to hurt people.
i think the traits were there in walter from the beginning—the pilot did a pretty good job of establishing how powerless he's felt all his life and just how susceptible he is to letting this newfound perceived power get to his head so easily. he even says this explicitly in 5x06 "Buyout" when he tells jesse "i'm not in the money business, i'm in the empire business". but saying he was this monster from the start kind of implies he didn't undergo through a character arc throughout the show when it's quite literally what he did. he got worse. so much worse. through mostly the fault of his own fragility.
#idk if i put it into words right but i'm just musing#was walter a good person when brba started? up in the air. but his family genuinely adored him. despite feeling like a loser teacher#some of his coworkers actually really liked and respected him. he was just as much of a regular person as anyone else was tbh#you know it's interesting that he and gale basically have the same motivations. why jump to meth of all things. why go from 0 to 100 when#it sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous. but they were both very passionate about chemistry who felt like their potentials were wasted and felt#like they were finally putting their skills to good use again. getting to flex their muscles and shit. whenever they cook better purer meth#than most other people. i think it's a really genius idea to have this premise for the show lol#cz as much as walter is motivated by him feeling like he desperately has to take control of his own life he also is a scientist at heart#who desperately needs to apply his knowledge and skills somewhere where it would feel gratifying#seriously dude you could've tried to get a paper published or two or something. djhdidhd#but the academe has its own Politics and whatnot. so one could only speculate why walt didn't get to pursue that any more#(aside from the whole grey matter industries thing)#anyway uhhh i hope i get the post across lol not to sound cheesy cliche but brba is a corruption slash character deterioration arc#quite literally the whole point is that he Didn't Start Off Like This And He Gets Worse#again. he already had some of his bad tendencies and traits but it's like. we all do that's not necessarily inherently make or break#it's what he DOES and KEEPS DOING. CONSCIOUSLY that turns him into the horrifying man he is by the end of it all#so i just think if your biggest takeaway is Walter Was Always A Monster then you're just missing the whole damn point#op#brbaposting
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Jam, some interview for you https://youtu.be/FKk_Miqx6W4
Thank you anon!!!
A new Olena interview!
youtube
Mostly about her work with some interesting informations and background stuff.
Some private questions at the end but not really anything new.
Asked again about how Ze (and his character) changed during the war. Olena says she can't really give an answer to that because you can only assess any change after the war. But some of his character traits (that were already there) have come out more / are now stronger / sharper. Like he is now more stubborn (probably meant as in persistent) and determined.
Also no, she does not know more than the public, adding she wants it to end (like everyone else; it's a bit unclear what she is refering to - a second term? the war? the separation?)
Ze has become more emotional / sentimental about the things close to his heart / that are important to him as a person, especially family topics (communication with his family, with his kids, ...). He is now appreaciating that very much. You can now cheer him up (and he will get really emotional) with any little thing, like when Olena talks about the children (like when she tells him what the kids said) or sends him a pic of the kids. He wasn't so sensitive before the war.
She talks with the kids about the war.
In February, when the war started, she was on her way to the kids room to wake them and tell them what happened, wondering how and what she should tell them, that they have to pack the emergency suitcases. Oleksandra was already awake and had no questions, knew what happened. Kyrylo was confused and Olena tried to distract him and engaging him (them) in everything they now had to do. For Kyrylo the distraction worked for the first day.
Olena understands that it is a great honour for other First Ladies to be the "first advisor" to their President (like Jill Biden). But she is not Ze's advisor at all. She jokes that a good husband, of course, always will say that the wife is the most important advisor and she is sure Ze would say the same. But he is the President and it's not her place to tell him anything or advise him with anything.
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skitskatdacat63 · 8 months
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I looked forward in a fic I'm reading bcs the authors note was like "it feels bittersweet to finish this fic off" and the last chapter is titled "a year later" I DONT WANNNAAAAAAA STOP WHAT HAPPENS THAT REQUIRES A YEAR LATER UPDATE
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trinitea-fics · 7 months
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I hate when you're very sure you're over something, but then you're awake at 4am and clearly Not Over it yet :/
#something something thinking about how my childhood ex-best friend is the reason i think everyone is gonna leave me eventuality lol#and i havent thought about them in YEARS#but the past 8 months it's been bad again#like. it could justify going back to therapy bad#and its gotten better. at least i dont hate my birthday anymore like i did though all of high school#and like. okay it basically stems from how i was the only one who put in effort into maintaining our friendship after#we went to different high school#and they would hang out with the other memeber of our friend trio but NEVER would ask me#and things then slowly fell apart#and that period of my life was when i was the most depressed and heartbroken#it's so much better now#cuz i realized#“well. i cant stop people from leaving me. the only thing i can do is be a good friend and trust them not to break my heart like ***** did”#cuz like. im still best friends with my kindergarten bestie. so like#***** is an outlier and should not be counted#and most of my friends are extremely introverted or on anti-depressants. so i dont mind being the one who makes plans#but sometimes its 4am and the thoughts GET TO ME#sigh sigh sigh#“***** is an outlier and should not be counted” damn. that actually does help.#thanks 4am brain <3#unfortunately its 5am and im too awake now rip#ive had friends comment over the last year about how much they appreciate the effort i put in#why can't i just cling onto THAT#sigh sigh#it'll get better
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mimiatmidnight · 1 year
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Will you be commenting on the Taylor drama?
I love the way this was worded, like I'm one of the siblings on Succession and the press has cornered me outside my penthouse to ask if I'll be releasing a statement on my family's latest scandal. Hehehe anyways.
Sorry but I just don't understand how anyone is shocked. Truly what has that woman ever done to successfully convince people that this is out of character for her. Like I don't want to diminish anyone's pain or anything but I see all these stans on here and over on Twitter in all this distress, having their very first epiphanies like "Hold on . . . does Taylor . . . suck??" And I kinda just have to chuckle at them cause like bless your hearts babes, but omg catch UP 😭
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Lol because 1) she is a severely emotionally stunted person who thinks edgy British "bad boys" are hot like she's 12 years old, 2) she has no true deeply-held moral principles outside of issues that directly affect herself, and 3) truthfully, she seems to be suffering from a serious crisis of identity after the end of the longest and most significant romantic relationship of her life, and in my opinion is pretty clearly desperate to prove something to the world/her ex/herself.
The first reason is cringe but not news to longtime viewers, the second reason is pathetic but also not news (to those who can be honest with themselves), and the third is . . . understandable in some sense, but not pitiable enough to make me willing to humor this insufferable little episode she's having. I wish her luck on this humiliating rebound journey, but she is gonna have to walk that road on her own.
Normally, I always roll my eyes when people make these kinds of jokes, but given the circumstances I feel justified in saying: I can't wait to hear the breakup song about him, sis 🤡
#the great thing about disliking your own fave is that they simply do not have the power to disappoint you lol#like her stans (at least those who arent complete sycophants—which sadly is not most) are breaking down over Babys 1st Cognitive Dissonance#meanwhile im just over here chilling lol#ive also just NEVER been particularly invested in her personal life anyways so im gucci on that front too#i didnt even realize specific songs were about specific celebrity exes until *several* years into listening to her music#thats how unplugged i am lol#she is unusually extremely visible in the collective conscious right now cause of the tour and this insufferable PR blitz#but the absolute best thing for me is when she disappears and i dont have to perceive her -- the actual person -- outside of her music#and then it can just be me and my lifelong companion the fictional character “taylor swift” (c)(r)(tm)#so personally the only real threat this hangs over my head is the thought she might put him on an album#like that does strike real terror in my heart im ngl#ESPECIALLY any of the rerecords oh my god#and given the way hes been tailing her in and out of that damn studio . . . its not looking good for me kids 🥴#i cant believe she would be that dumb after making the same mistake with joe on folklore#cause even tho now she has to suffer the indignity of sharing a grammy with her ex (LMAO)#at least we can understand that at the time she thought they were in it for life#but if she pulls that shit again with a REBOUND??? just to like stick it to joe or further delude herself or whatever?#idk im gonna need interpol or somebody to step in and do something drastic like this is a cry for help#did you guys see that euphoria meme someone made about her deranged “ive never been happier!!!!” speech the other day?#it was SO funny ill go find it
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termagax · 4 months
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for all his misery and mopey nature i do think he likes and prefers being roadhog and wouldnt go back for anything. i think "feeling like mako" means feeling small and ashamed and weak in his mind and he hates it.
#i think one of the biggest reasons he gets genuinely mad at fish is when they do something#they look at him in that way or they say something or they just. be pathetic and sick. in a way that makes that little guilt and shame gnaw#at his heart again. that shitty feeling when you know you hurt somebody you care about. or when they look at him like theyre disgusted or#disappointed by what they see. i think it pisses him off to no end that they can make him feel so small and i think its one of the things#that makes him genuinely think that maybe he should just kill them and be done with it. its not like itd be hard#🐟#like. part of them learning how to exist around each other long term is that he has to break that thought pattern yk#seeing them be all sickly and instead of pity->guilt->shame->anger it shifts to pity->guilt->'do something about it'#where instead of getting on the whole 'i ruined the life of the only person who ever gave a fuck about me' train he just. tries to be nice#or as nice as he can manage. comforting and affectionate in his very clumsy and uncomfortable way. still not pretending to be a good person#and barely concealing that doing this makes him feel awful. but still like. just doing it anyways and eventually he just does it without#thinking about it. well most of the time i think he still gets stuck fairly often. its a process yk how it is#ftr i think fish resents this. they hate his pity they resent the idea that any of this is His Fault. fish voice i can fuck up on my own#and they especially resent when he is obviously going out of his way to be gentle with them or sweet to them. first of all because they hat#when he treats them like theyre fragile it makes them want to kill him but more importantly because they would really just prefer he be an#awful bastard forever so they can stay mad at him forever. its hard to keep a grudge when he feels bad about it and its hard to be so mad#when hes the only thing that really makes them feel better.
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draco-renn · 4 months
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Man. All I do these days is fail to meet expectations and then get upset at myself for failing to meet those expectations. This sucks.
#the dragon sings his songs#blowing out smoke#i'm supposed to be taking this break from my course as an opportunity to do the things I've been meaning to do and I've just been rotting—#—in bed on my phone and sleeping in and jacking off like i hardly even get up to eat or go to the bathroom#side note i know this is a textbook sign of depression and burnout (comma) most likely both (comma) but who in my Chinese family is going—#—to believe that? def not mom who'll just scream at me for not sucking it up and pushing through it and not dad who won't do shit#my grandparents might believe me but there's a language barrier on mom's side plus 公公 seems to think I'm the perfect infallible capable—#—[granddaughter] and I can't bear to break his heart with the truth#and then on dad's side they'll probably be sympathetic but everything i tell them makes its way back to my parents and that'll just result—#—in ont huge blowup that'll drive another wedge between mom and dad. and I mean PLEASE hurry up and get divorced but I also don't want 爺爺—#—and 嫲嫲 to get caught in the crossfire#plus I'm supposed to be helping them esp now that 爺爺 is running out of time as an active able-bodied person but instead of doing that I—#—spent all day in bed. which is not helping my guilt and shame on top of everything else i have to deal with (comma) let alone his workload#today's such a nice sunny beautiful day too which makes me feel even worse for not even going for a walk or anything#it's still light out so i could but sunk cost fallacy is kicking my ass plus i have Mandarin class kn a couple hours#and k know it's a couple HOURS but I'd have to get dressed and set a timer and everything and just the thought is so overwhelming that I—#—just can't. i'd ask to be institutionalized if it wasn't for the rampant ableism in the mental health field plus the fact that—#—institutionalization is just an extension of incarceration#if only the people who have power over me would just listen and actually take care of me so i wouldn't have pushed myself to this point
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