#its not about me but i feel guilty because this is explicitly my fault my presence in this situation caused this

[autizta]

Man I fucked up real bad

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "not making time" for my ex

So I (21F) met my ex (24M) at an internship I held last summer. We started seeing each other and things quickly developed into a full relationship. We spent a lot of time together as we worked 10hr days together 4 days a week and he always wanted to meet up on weekends. For a while every date was an overnight and our physical relationship began very quickly.

Fast forward a couple months and I moved back to college as I am finishing up my BA atm. He knew this going into the relationship and I made it explicitly clear that if he wanted things to continue, it was going to be long distance (its about 2-2 1/2 hours away). Shortly before this time he became extra clingy and angsty about me moving saying things like I never made time for him (our dates even prior to were never less than 10 hours) and when we weren't able to see each other for a couple days he would want to call and would want to talk for hours because he missed me even if I was busy or expressed that I didn't want to be on the phone as it is a very mentally draining task for me.

After 1-2 months of long distance, these problems got worse. Every time I saw him he would complain about not having enough time to do stuff with me and would often stay most of the weekend even if I would politely ask to have some time to do homework or just be by myself. He would say that he could help with my chores, homework or mental health time and didn't seem to understand my desire to do things independently. He kept saying that I wasn't letting him into my life enough and said that he hated the distance between us and wished he didn't have to drive so far. There were other issues that also kept piling on and eventually after much back and forth we broke up him citing that "he wasn't good for me" and things weren't working out.

During the month after our breakup I felt many things both guilty and sad but also a bit relieved as the fighting in our relationship had caused a lot of built up stress and anxiety that had pushed me to a very low place. In this time we had called a few times to discuss things and some calls went okay but others took turns and would leave me feeling hurt and confused. We had a meetup to talk in person about getting back together and I said for the time being I think we're better off as friends. He is someone I care a lot about and I do think that he has some dark shit to deal with and probably needs to seek counseling. I feel as if I have been very forgiving and kind but also acknowledge that I likely have some fault in the demise of our relationship as there are things I need to work on such as boundary setting and people pleasing.

Since this conversation many things have happened that complicate matters and I honestly feel a bit lost. There are times it feels like we could have a new beginning and others where all the old issues come screaming back into my face. I've said I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now and need time to work through things and he wants to keep up the physical part of our relationship as he sees that as something that didn't need fixing.

Recently we met up and I had set plans with my friends before and after we saw each other. He showed up mad that I had set plans with other people on the day that we had time together since it made things feel rushed and he wanted to actually be able to spend time with me. This ended up blowing up into an argument and he told me to "grow the hell up" and also said that I "needed to learn how to be in a real relationship". These things were incredibly triggering to me as I am both younger than him and this is also the first relationship and everything that I have ever been in. He told me that he didn't appreciate the fact that I never wanted to make time for him and said that this was true during our relationship as well. He said that if I couldn't do it he had other friends that cared about him enough and that he shouldn't have even come to see me since it was clear that I didn't give a shit.

Now I feel so lost since I have even after our relationship never flaked on him and have been overly honest about my insecurities and everything even outside of the relationship. He is someone I still really care about but every time something like this happens I feel that he is not good for me even if he does really care about me in all the ways he says. It hurts so bad even because amongst all these things we still have really nice times together where we can just be around each other and enjoy each others company. I know that I cannot separate these experiences as they happen with the same man and all my friends tell me this is manipulative behavior but I also worry that I'm overreacting.

So AITA? (sorry for the long post)

What are these acronyms?

[fallenlightsif]

Are you here to kill me? for Marcella would be 👀

"Are you here to kill me?" for Marcella.

You aren't sure what to expect when you meet again. The last time Marcella had seen you, it'd been right after your resurrection when you were still held closely under guard by the Queens. She'd wanted to save you, set you free.

Things were different now. You were free and chose to side with Leydon willingly.

She never believed you were guilty of treason before, but now it was undeniable. Your heart aches at the thought of her, at every memory of you two together that flits through your mind, but you couldn't leave behind what you found in Leydon to return to her. Inessa needs you, after all.

Still, you don't think you can bear the look on Marcella's face when she sees your betrayal. You hope she knows it's not because of her, you leaving could never be her fault.

You love her. You wish you didn't know the things you do know, wish you could return to Marcella's side with no grievances. You can't, though.

When she heads in your direction during the heat of battle, you flee like a coward. She follows.

She never did know when to leave well enough alone.

"Wait!" She calls after you, "Please, just, please wait-!"

You can't turn around, but you speak, voice shaking almost enough to crack, "Are you here to kill me, then?"

"Kill you?" Her voice is bordering on hysterical as she responds, "You're joking."

You turn then only to find her face is not full of righteous anger or resigned acceptance, but desperate for...something.

Revenge?

She strides towards you, and you don't flinch away. She's already dropped her sword, anyway, the blade slicing through the ice and snow on Oclesian grounds. Her gauntlet-covered fingertips press into your skin hard enough to bruise as she grabs your shoulders.

Her hair is pulled back, blood sticking to the few strands that fell loose. Her forehead is bleeding and you resist the urge to raise a glowing hand and heal it for her.

"You are joking." She repeats, her face twitching into a frown, "Right?"

"Why would I be?" You don't pull away, forcing the words out through a tight throat, "I left Ebia. I betrayed-"

"I don't give a thrice-damned shit about Ebia." She all but growls, her eyes bright with intensity, "You left. Ezrah left. That's more than enough reason for me to go."

You hadn't dared to hope the words would ever leave her mouth, despite having known Marcella for a long time. She was always more loyal to people than ideals, and maybe-

Maybe-

"Is that why you ran?" Her voice shakes, "Last time?"

You nod slightly, not yet able to form the words necessary.

"You thought I'd want you dead." She says, not a question, "I could never...no matter what you did, I don't think I could ever want that."

"You'd want to come with me?" Your voice is small when you finally speak.

She smiles slightly then, a sad little thing, "Yes. You and Ezrah are the only family I've ever truly had and to lose you both is something I cannot allow. Not when I have the chance to join you."

"You'd leave Ebia-?"

"Ebia is a place." She trails a hand over your cheek, running it down to cup your face, "You're my home."

You pitch forward, burying yourself into her arms. She holds you tightly, drawing you in, protecting you like a fortress. A sob wrangles its way out from deep in your chest, and ice-cold tears drip from her cheek onto yours.

"I thought you blamed me when you fled." She admits, "For not stopping your exile. For you-"

She doesn't finish the sentence, but you both know what she means.

"You tried." You insist, "You couldn't have done anything more-"

"I could've packed my damn bags and told the queen to go fuck herself." She growls, burying her nose in the top of your head.

"I told you explicitly not to do that when I left." You chuckle wetly into her shoulder, "You couldn't have known, neither of us could have."

You stay like that for a moment, the sounds of battle faded from how far you both ran. She releases you, dropping to a knee and bowing her head.

"I'll protect you this time." She insists, pulling back, "I swear it."

"I almost pity the queen." You say, smiling brighter than you have since the day you died, "Losing two High Generals in the span of three months must be hard to swallow."

Your heartbeat picks up, and you draw her to her feet once more, pulling her down by the neck. When your lips meet, hers are chapped and cold and you know yours probably aren't faring any better.

It still feels like coming home.

[miraculouscontent]

You’re getting one reply, my dude.

Chat Noir did NOT fall in love with Ladybug on first sight. It was kinda the same way as with Luka; she was little awkward and anxious at first, but later showed how amazing she is. This is what made BOTH Luka AND Chat fall in love with her. So I don't understand why you see Luka positively and Chat negatively.

“First sight” is referring to “first episode,” so “Origins” for love square and “Captain Hardrock” for Lukanette. That’s not even the issue

Also, no. Luka was charmed by Marinette before he saw how “amazing” she was (at best, he heard about the photo curse breakage from Juleka given that the “Reflekta” picture is hanging where Luka can clearly see it from his bed), and then he fell deeper with the whole, “that girl is incredibly brave” line, whereas Chat Noir only got big heart eyes and started being interested in Ladybug when she was doing “amazing things.”

Marinette disliked Adrien at first. That was due to the situation.

...Yeah? A very dumb situation and misunderstanding that led to needless drama and the briefest one-sided “Enemy to Friend to Crush” subplot that I have ever seen and still made the jump all the more jarring? Lukanette’s “problem” revolves around the love square existing, not misunderstandings that hold no weight or value (even Adrimi is guilty of this because Kagami thinks that Adrien loves Marinette; Lukanette is the only ship free of misunderstandings), which is why it’s so ridiculous to me when people say “you can’t ship Lukanette because Adrien/love square,” because shipping Lukanette (as with any other Marinette ship) would usually imply that the love square isn’t a problem anymore..

And he din't lie. Adrien said that he's never had any friends BESIDE CHLOE.

Ohohooookay, now you are literally lying about what is said in the actual “Origins” episode, or just not telling the full truth.

Because yes, Adrien did say that he’s never had any friends besides Chloe... to Nino.

Adrien: I've known Chloé since I was a little kid. I know she's not perfect, but I can't throw her under the bus. She's like my only friend.

But what does he say when it’s time to clear the air with Marinette?

Adrien: Hey. I just wanted you to know that I was only trying to take the chewing gum off your seat, I swear. I've never been to school before. I've never had friends.

He tells her that he’s never had friends, yet he tells Nino that Chloe is “like his only friend” and will go on later in “Malediktator” to explicitly say that Chloe is his friend.

Adrien being Chloe’s friend in “Origins” was a huge dealbreaker for both Alya and Marinette, then Adrien lied to her and said that he’s never had any friends (which, I get it, a lot of people miss because I fully admit that the atmosphere in the umbrella scene is really good and you will miss it if you’re a heavy shipper not focusing on the details; you can say it a nicer way by going, “he worded it poorly” or “the writers are bad at dialog,” but the fact is that he told her something that wasn’t true), which started their relationship on false pretenses. It’s just like in “Gamer” where he exaggerates (whether intentionally or otherwise) to fish for someone’s pity/sympathy/forgiveness.

Adrien has tried and actually confessed his love to Ladybug. Ladybug knows that Chat loves her. Marinette has never gotten the chance to do that. She's also sending mixed signals when she panics.

So when Marinette would have the chance to confess, she doesn't and instead denies it. This isn't her fault, but it does mean that Adrien can't be sure. She's told him that she's not in love with him. So you can't really compare Chat and Marinette.

Yes I absolutely can and I absolutely will, because Adrien not being sure about how she feels sure didn’t stop him when Ladybug has repeatedly pushed him away when he’s leaned close to her/tried to kiss her hand. Like, wow that’s sure interesting how “Marinette might love someone else, maybe these hearts are friendly” (because yes, he would absolutely be dense enough for that) didn’t stop him from confessing to her in “Chat Blanc” the instant he thought she was Ladybug.

Same with “Stormy Weather 2,” he doesn’t even consider the what ifs of if she were in love with him and what his reaction would be, and “Weredad” is basically a full confirmation that he’s not interested in her. He’s basically like, “Meh, she doesn’t love me, so it doesn’t matter.”

Ladybug also hasn't said ,,I don't feel about you that way". She kind of talked around it because she doesn't want to hurt him.

My dude, my bro, my guy, don’t be in my inbox to come at me with arguments unless you’re ready for me to pull out the transcripts.

Ladybug in “Glaciator“: Listen, I don't wanna play around with your feelings. It would be the same as lying to you. I don't wanna do that. You're more than a partner, Cat Noir. You're my friend. And I'd never wanna lie to a friend.

Cat Noir: Why do you think it'd be lying?

Ladybug: Because there's this boy I...

Adrien later, a direct confirmation to the audience that he’s aware that Ladybug doesn’t feel that way for him: Perhaps Ladybug will love me someday. I mean, like I love her.

Ladybug in “Frozer” because clearly that message didn’t get through anyway: I can't accept this rose from you. I told you already. I'm in love with someone else. (after which he asks about “what if this guy didn’t exist” which means literally nothing and is just him reaching unless he’s planning to enact a murder which he obviously isn’t)

Ladybug in “Ladybug” because he’s still hoping for no reason: But the real Ladybug's heart still belongs to someone else.

Ladybug again in “Miracle Queen”: I can't be in love with you Cat Noir, you know that.

Seems pretty clear to me.

Besides, it wasn't the fact that Marinette confessed nor the fact they knew their identities that the world ended. It was because Gabriel was still Hawkmoth, so he manipulated the situation to his advantage.

Yes? And then Chat Blanc told her that “our love did this,” which puts blame on Marinette. That’s my point (though I’ll let Chat Blanc off the hook for that one since he’s akumatized... however it still doesn’t make much sense as to how he knows that Gabriel saw him transform unless he knew that Gabriel was watching from somewhere (it was Nathalie and Gorilla actually); he could’ve just presumed that Gabriel had known for a while, there was no evidence he saw that told him it was him transforming into Chat Noir in front of Nathalie and Gorilla that tipped Gabriel off and it’s also super unfair to blame Marinette for it anyway when it was Gabriel behind this whole thing but sure, just make Marinette feel at fault for the world almost ending).

Because that’s what the love square is all about; making Marinette feel bad about liking a boy, Marinette being humiliated for trying to confess to said boy, the universe constantly sabotaging her whenever she manages to do something right, having Marinette reconsider her feelings for Chat Noir AND blush at his cheek kiss after he ditched her as Adrien (presumably; we never saw Gabriel tell Adrien he couldn’t go and Chat Noir made plans with Ladybug as if he planned to ditch them even if Gabriel didn’t do anything) to go prepare a date with Ladybug (wow that sure is interesting how we don’t get an equivalent moment for Marinette from Adrien in “Chat Blanc” at the end, almost like they only care about making Chat Noir feel good about himself and not Marinette), then get mad when Ladybug doesn’t show up even after she tells him that she has prior plans, throwing a tantrum mid-battle and forcing her to apologize first before he’s finally like, “no... I’m sorry,” and then has the gall to add, “Maybe another time.”

Adrimi didn’t need to exist to torment Marinette. The love square already does a good enough job of that and I despise its very existence in all aspects of the writing.

Chat Noir got his damn closure, he just refuses to give up on the very first girl he saw when he went out heroing (I thought he just wanted to make friends but I guess he decided that wasn’t enough for him and “making friends” was immediately sidelined in favor of chasing after “his lady” (ugh)), who he doesn’t know the likes/dislikes of, who he can’t know the identity of, and who he can’t see all parts of because she has to maintain a professional attitude or everyone in Paris is going to die.

Marinette still hasn’t gotten her closure, so it’s no wonder to me why she’s still pining and struggling, especially when people like Alya keep pushing for the love square even when she asks her for help seeing Adrien as a friend.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

I saw a tiktok talking about the lack of diversity, criticising holly Black for not discussing judes latina background more and vivi and Heather's lack of character development, whats your opinion since you always have an amazing way with words❤

i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, nonnie, and assume you're not trying to bait me with this question. but it's an important topic that i feel needs to be addressed.

i have three things to say about this. the first is that i think this is a perfectly valid critique of TFOTA. Jude's latina background isn't explicitly stated in the text, it's only implicit. would i have enjoyed seeing more Vivi and Heather? absolutely. though i do feel they weren't in it any less than taryn or oriana or the bomb, or any of the other slew of the side cast, they have a point in that Vivi and Heather are the only explicitly LGBT rep we're given in the series, and they were very much side characters.

my only mitigation for the story in this case is that it is just that. a story. it can't talk back when we point out its flaws, even if the author does wish she'd added these things in retrospect. as with all books, it is something that was written as a concrete creative work, and was never intended as a dialogue between artist and fandom.

the second thing i have to say about this is that just because i agree with this person's critique of the series does not mean i love the series any less. i want you to know that it's possible to be critical of something and love it at the very same time. in fact, it's healthy. we should be thinking critically about the things we love. it's the only way for those things to effect change on future instalments and future unrelated books.

we are the market. we decide what is important and what isn't. so if you see something lacking, it's fully within your right to speak up. but it's also impossible to please everyone. there will always be critics. which is why we should be confident in our abilities to recognise these issues, validate and back the voices of other people who see the same flaws, while still continuing to adore a series (and not feel guilty about adoring a series) which has brought us so much joy.

and lastly, as more of a general address, i've received lots of asks like this recently, asking me to speak on the books' or specific characters' faults, only a few of which i've entertained. and i get it. i really do.

but all i can say is this: it is not my job to come running to the defence of this series. especially not on such serious topics as race, where i am neither part of the indicated group nor the author of the series in question. my opinion should not matter in this scenario. you should be able to think critically for yourself on these issues, or speak to the people who are directly effected in order to form your own opinion.

–Em 🖤🗡

more theories & analysis

[pridewhatpride]

do you have any gx rivalshipping hcs!! im super curious on your take of them :]

When I saw this ask my immediate reaction was thinking: "Yes, I have an excuse to talk about gx rivalshipping, YES."

So yeah. I love this ship a lot, like a whole damn lot and it's a little hard to explain why, especially when gx has so many open possibilities for romances involving Judai. By which I mean two, really, and Manjoume is not one of them (sadly for me). I am referring to Yubel and Johan, by the way, I refuse to acknowledge Asuka as a love interest.

I'll start off with a bit of fluff headcanons?

Manjoume thinks Winged Kuriboh is really cute and that its friendly and fluffy appearance screams Judai, in a way. But he will never admit it because of what that might imply for him and the Ojamas.

Manjoume is fueled by caffeine and monster, he only really starts to recognise how nice it can be to have a meal because of how much Judai enjoys his food. He tries to sit at the table with him with dumb excuses.

Judai feels a bit guilty for how his actions impacted Manjoume's life, but Manjoume generally tells him that it's fine, it's better this way, that he's never this happy, that the only reason why Judai should maybe feel bad about it is because of his tendency to get overly invested in other people's problems and getting hurt in the process. Judai responds with bear hugs.

Manjoume brags about Judai a lot, actually. "Oh you think that's cool? One time Judai managed to do a backflip, you loser." "Slifer reds suck, but they do have redeeming qualities, by which I mean one of them is actually good."

Judai likes to indulge himself in the thought that he's Manjoume's most trusted, that he's the only one who could ever be allowed to have that many incriminating pictures of him. Because Judai just loves taking candid pictures of Manjoume. He thinks he looks and and cool in every situation, so yeah. A part of him does it because he has an inexplicable fear of forgetting people and the way they look, but he just can't say why that is.

They hang out in silence a lot, but once they start talking they just never stop. You'll find them on the beach at 3 am with a smiling Manjoume listening to Judai go on about how crazy it is that you can fry food in so many different ways and how he once caught a butterfly as a kid and named it Kujaku.

They share their music a lot, so Manjoume's tastes switch from just emo to fast paced rap and the weirdly happy sounding songs about very morbid things Judai listens to (plus emo). Judai starts to enjoy a bit of angry screaming into microphones thanks to Jun. Do they sing along like idiots as they share earphones? Yes. Is Manjoume mesmerised by Judai's singing voice? Also yes.

Judai loves hiking and sometimes invites Manjoume, but because he's a lot weaker and has less stamina, they take it slow. Manjoume keeps cursing himself for being slow and dead weight, but Judai is just happy to have a companion. Admittedly, going slower makes the walks better as he has the time to enjoy the scenery properly. He never teases Jun about his lack of physical training.

Now... I wanted to talk about my general view on the ship, plus headcanons I guess, but this is going to be EVEN LONGER (you are getting more than you asked for, your fault for enabling me, really). For the sake of the sanity of mobile users, I'm adding a cut so nobody has to unwillingly scroll through endless text.

On to the the juice, then. My thoughts on the ship. Manjoume and Judai are, of course, the rivals of the series and, if my thoughts on rivalry weren't clear enough, I am one of those people. It's just really romantic to me. What is very interesting about the two of them specifically is that they are polar opposites in the way the reason why they play, throughout the whole series. Hell, their views end up getting reversed completely: Manjoume goes from "if I don't win I'm gonna have a breakdown breakdown" to "losing is ok, as long as I enjoy the game and am true to myself", while Judai does the 180 from "I really just love playing cards with my friends, who cares about the outcome, it's fun" to "I have card game related trauma, nobody speak to me, games are only an excuse to assert a sort of power scale and honestly fuck that".

Manjoume is sort of the only person in the 'friend group' (he's never actually part of it, sadly, literally only Judai and Fubuki like him) to not idolise Judai, not explicitly. He clearly has an admiration for Judai from the beginning, but he is adamant on expressing it as hatred towards for being better than him. A part of me feels that a lot of his superior act is meant to try and fool himself and Jaden into thinking that he's a worthy rival, because I know for a fact that Manjoume doesn't believe that. He wants it to be true, yes.

What I am trying to get at is that Judai is probably a little confused by the fact that Manjoume doesn't drool all over him like the rest of the school does, but it soon becomes a crutch. Judai is under a lot of pressure because he is the hero who will save everyone and people like to remind him of how much they count on him. Manjoume is in it for Judai. He wants to be acknowledged by him, he wants his recognition and his attention, but he never asks for help or expects Judai to fix his problems for him. Judai is probably thankful for that.

Manjoume is also really scared of being left behind and cast aside as soon as he stops being useful and that's exactly what the writers do to him!!! hooray!, but Judai keeps insisting that he's not a bad guy, that he's fun to be around, that he's competent. Manjoume doesn't really believe all that that much, but Jaden keeps playing him despite his repeated losses and to Jun that's the equivalent of someone kissing his tears away. Manjoume only learns to accept his losses and shortcomings because Judai did it for him first.

So basically Manjoume is the only one who fully sees Judai as a person, while Judai is the only one who is really willing to look past his pretentious facade. I fully believe that Judai was relieved to learn that Manjoume was not just a perfect boy with perfect manners, by the way. They both just love to learn about every imperfection that the other has and silently thinking that they just add to the beauty of the other's character. Will they tease eachother about it? Fuck yes. Do they feel awful when the other tries to fix something about themselves because they pointed it out? Also fuck yes.

They are in a dumb competition against themselves to be better in order to earn the right to be friends with eachother, but because they are fucking dumb they never actually communicate (until they do), so for a long time it's endless pining that is definitely not gay because admittedly Judai just doesn't think that dating is a thing, while Manjoume is straight™, really straight. He has never liked a boy in his life, he's so very fucking straight, I swear.

So Manjoume is a bisexual disaster (and in my headcanon he prefers boys, actually, the Asuka incident is the biggest example of denial™ ever. He prefers Fubuki, fight me over this). The problem is that he never really considered he might be crushing on Judai, but at the same time admitting to maybe liking boys too means that there was more to wanting to stay at DA, to hanging out with Judai's crew despite their mutual dislike, to his continuous playful headlocks and ear pulling. To add onto that, there is probably a certain amount of guilt over having betrayed that bond with Judai by trying to throw away his cards and everything. Judai, on the other hand... is confused at how bothered he is by the public declarations of love, because Manjoume is his rival and rivals are supposed to focus on eachother, not on some girl, no matter how good said girl is at card games.

So maybe they are a bit gay for eachother. And maybe they just want excuses to be together as much as possible. And it's really just the vibe of highschool romance between two people who don't want to admit to caring for one another on a deeper level, but are also weirdly possessive of eachother for no apparent reason. And I think I'll stop here with my gay retelling, but really if you look at the two of them you do see that they do a lot for eachother's characters. It's kind of beautiful, really. They are the two socially inept characters who find comfort in someone being just like them and understanding them as they change and grow up.

I have a lot to say about how that changes once the transfer students come in, but I think I've bored everyone for long enough- as in nobody will read this lol. That's ok. I thank you again for the ask and for allowing me to gush about this ship that is so close to my heart. If anyone ever wants to talk about them, just. Do. Break into my house at night and I still won't mind, I just want to talk about them.

[dendrodorididae]

Ok I’m trying my hand at fan fiction so

This is a Kaedehara Kazuha x his dead friend (Tomo) fic. TW for sh, suicide, angst, horny but not explicitly nsfw

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Kazuha glanced at the sky above the ship. They had entered the sea surrounding Inazuma, and the vicious storm above began to soften. The traveler had insisted on going to his homeland, the place to which Kazuha never thought he’d return. As the ship moved closer to the islands, the man felt his nerves swell like the perilous waves below.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Beidou had said.

“It’ll be fine. It’s a quick stop, no ones gonna see you.” Despite the reassuring words, Kazuha couldn’t help but worry. Perhaps it was because he was a wanted fugitive? The man knew that this was part of it, but there was another reason. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

The water below surged with electricity. The gentle hum of the energy was surprisingly calming. Kazuha leaned over the side of the ship as he listened. Eyes closing, a thought crossed the man’s mind. The tranquil nature of the water was similar to that of Tomo’s vision. Kazuha’s eyes quickly opened, and he was suddenly aware of the weight of the vision in his pocket. The gentle hum and warmth were gone, reminding him yet again of his friend’s demise.

The man also became aware of the dull pain in his hand. It was quite bothersome, but Kazuha found it despairing that the pain would fade. The burn was left by Tomo’s vision dying, and it was the last reminder of his friend being alive. It was the last reminder of the masterless vision being full of life. The more the wound healed, the more he realized that Tomo was gone.

“What are you so down about, Kazuha?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha turned to look at the woman, startled. He hadn’t realized that his face reflected his emotions. He quickly corrected his frown, and hoped that the falling rain masked the tears running down his cheeks.

“The fact that I’ll likely never be welcomed in my homeland again.” The man replied, lying through his teeth. He felt bad for being untruthful, but he knew that speaking his mind at that moment would make him break down. Beidou looked at him with a skeptical frown.

“Alright, kid, I won’t pry, but it can’t be healthy to keep shit bottled up like that.” Beidou replied. At that response, Kazuha knew that Beidou knew he was lying, which made him feel even worse about it. Noticing his guilty expression, Beidou grinned and gently ruffled the smaller man’s hair.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about lying, sometimes it the only way to keep your composure, y’know?” She said with concern in her tone. Kazuha looked up at the brunette and smiled, genuinely this time.

“Thank you, Beidou,” he spoke. Beidou grinned and walked away, and Kazuha redirected his gaze to the water. It was regular water this time, blue and quiet. He sighed and rested his head in his arms.

Not too long later, his eyes fluttered open, only to be met by the glaring sun. He quickly jumped to his feet. They were very close to Inazuma, close enough that he risked being seen.

“Oi, Kazuha!” Beidou called from the captains cabin. “I think it’s time you hid, we’re getting close!” Kazuha nodded, and quickly headed downstairs into Beidou’s small wine cellar. He despised the smell of alcohol, but ultimately decided that anywhere was a better hiding place than the bilge (the bilge is a cavity in the bottom of a boat filled with rancid water). The man crawled into the empty cupboard that Beidou had prepared for him, and gently closed the door. Luckily for Kazuha, the scent of the cedar wood walls overthrew that of the alcohol.

He relaxed as much as he could in the cramped space. His knee pressed uncomfortably against his injured hand, making the wound sting.

“Shit..” he mumbled. As bad as the pain was, Kazuha knew that there wasn’t enough room to readjust his position. He glanced over to his burnt hand. The darkness of the cupboard masked it from view, but he felt the bandage tightly wrapped around his skin. It had been almost a month since the incident, and Kazuha knew that Beidou would soon grow curious as to why the burn hadn’t healed. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to explain to her. Not that the burns were self inflicted, not why he didn’t want the wound to heal, and definitely not how much he enjoyed holding a torch to his hand, watching the skin char and blister, and… he pushed the thought out of his mind. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, but it felt so right. The more he did it, the more he knew that wasn’t really to just keep the wound open, but instead for the euphoric pain.

The ship suddenly halted, the force slamming Kazuha against the wall. He grunted at his knee slammed into his hand. Despite the throbbing pain making him grimace, he quickly calmed himself, and fixed his position as best as he could. He silently wished that his ‘hobby’ didn’t have such painful side effects.

Kazuha waited what felt like hours. The walls of the cupboard seemed to dig into his skin, and his limbs were sore from being idle for so long. Joy flooded his mind as he felt the boat begin to move, but the feeling was short lived. After all, he still had to wait until he left Inazuma’s waters.

Boredom must have gotten to him, because Kazuha’s mind began to wander. And of all things, he began to think about Tomo. Kazuha didn’t let himself do this often, as it often led to a spiral, but he simply didn’t care enough to stop himself this time. Luckily, he wasn’t thinking about his friend’s death, but rather how he made him feel. Whenever speaking with Tomo, Kazuha couldn’t help but notice how his friend’s lips moved, how his eyes scrunched up in the corners when he was happy, how his gray hair flew in the wind. He couldn’t help but think about what those lips would feel like against his. He knew that it was wrong to have these thoughts about another man, but he just couldn’t help it. He wanted Tomo in a way that he shouldn’t.

Kazuha often pushed away his fantasies about his friend, but today, he decided to let himself sink in thought. He thought about his friend’s hand gripping his back, the other running through his hair. He imagined his own hands cupping Tomo’s face, all as there lips pressed together. He imagined them occasionally pulling apart to take a breath, but the kiss would deepen each time they rejoined. He imagined his cheeks flushing, but that part wasn’t so imaginary. He imagined their tongues sliding against each other. He imagined Tomo’s hot breath against his face. He imagined Tomo pushing him down and laying on top of him. He imagined Tomo’s hand sliding to remove his shirt, before sliding even lower-

“Kazuha, you can come out of hiding now!” Beidou called as she opened the cupboard doors. Kazuha looked at her, his face an embarrassing shade of red.

“You’re pretty red, are you ok?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha tumbled out of the cupboard.

“Ye-yeah… I guess this cup-cupboard is just pretty hot,” He stuttered, growing redder by the second. Beidou chuckled.

“So, you’ve got a crush, huh?” She turned and started towards the stairs.

“Ah, young love,” she teased, despite only being a few years older.

“She must be a pretty hot bitch to get you all red like that,” Beidou walked out onto the deck, and Kazuha put his face in his hands. He wanted to correct her so badly, but he knew that Beidou would abandon him. No one could know that he liked men, they would hate him. His thoughts were interrupted by a meow. A meow? There weren’t any cats on the ship. He turned towards the sound and saw a small white cat. His eyes grew in shock. It was Tomo’s cat.

Kazuha crawled towards the feline. Was it really Tomo’s? His suspicions were confirmed when he saw its collar. It was the friendship bracelet that he had made his friend many years ago. What was it doing here? He also noticed a piece of paper, folded into the cat’s collar. He grabbed it and undid the folds, and realized it was a letter. A letter from Tomo.

Dear Kazuha,

I hope that this letter finds you as soon as possible. As you know, I have challenged the Raiden Shogun to a duel. I have always wanted to experience divine punishment, and me dying was no mistake. I wish I could’ve told you in person, but even now I can’t do it. The truth is, I don’t like women in a romantic way. I have feelings about men that I shouldn’t. I have feelings about you that I shouldn’t.

My family found out about these feelings, though. They said that they never wanted to see me again. Now that I have no place to call home, no family, and likely no vision soon, I have decided that suicide is my best option. I know that I could never win against the Raiden Shogun, and it is the perfect opportunity for me.

Kazuha, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You are the person that has kept me going this long, but I just can’t do it anymore. What I truly want is a happy future with you, but I know that will never happen. My last request is that you tell the others about my sexuality. Tell them I’m sorry for resorting to death.

Also, I’m sorry to you. I’ve burdened you with my death, my feelings, and an errand. I know that you probably hate me by now, but you had to know. Please, remember that I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and it hurts me to hurt you. I wish I could give you just one kiss before I die, I really do, but I guess I’m just a coward.

Thank you and goodbye, -Tomo

Kazuha couldn’t believe his eyes. His vision blurred as fat tears rolled down his face and landed on the paper. His hands trembled, and he let out a sob. He raised his hands to his face as he began crying loudly.

“Tomo..” he whimpered. He grabbed the paper from his lap and hugged it tight. Kazuha was crying so hard that he didn’t even notice Beidou enter the cellar, not until she rested her hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, are you ok?” She questioned, worry in her tone.

“You can tell me things, you know,” she said. She sounded so genuine, that Kazuha considered telling her everything. And that’s just what he did. He slowly outstretched his arm, and offered Beidou the letter. The brunette accepted, and began reading. Her eyes widened as she got further down the page. She gently placed the paper on the floor, and pulled Kazuha into a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. Kazuha hugged back, and sobbed into her shoulder. They remained like that for a while, before Kazuha looked into her eye.

“Could I… tell you everything?” He asked. Beidou met his gaze and nodded. Kazuha took a breath and began to speak.

“I- I love Tomo too. I always have,” he started. Beidou’s face lit up with realization.

“Ohhh,” she said, as if she was putting a puzzle together. She must have remembered her input about Kazuha’s crush from before, because her face flushed with embarrassment.

“OHH… she said.

“Sorry, sometimes I forget that not everyone likes women.” She chuckled sheepishly. Kazuha looked up at her with bewilderment.

“Y-you too?” He said. Beidou nodded.

“Yeah, pretty much everyone on board is some flavor of queer,” she spoke. Kazuha’ face lit up, and more tears welled up in his eyes.

“Is that everything you wanted to tell me?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha shook his head.

“You know the burn on my hand?” He started. Beidou looked down at said hand and nodded.

“It healed a while ago. I… The ones there now are self inflicted, and I can’t stop doing it.” Kazuha admitted. His words sped up in the end, as if he was trying to spit them out as fast as possible. Guilt swelled in his stomach, before he noticed Beidou looking at him with the most loving expression.

“That’s ok, kid,” she comforted. She pulled off one of her gloves to reveal old, whitened scars that littered her forearm.

“I’ve been through the same shit, I can help you as much as you need.”

Kazuha melted at the sheer kindness. He leaned back into the embrace and began crying one again. Beidou patted his back, before asking another question.

“Oh yeah, what’s with the cat?”

[elephart-hi]

The Mortal Maiden: Witch AU

Chapter 1: A (doomed) Mission at Hollow Hall

with a Jude wip for a larger piece, I'm doing for this fic!!!

Set during The Cruel Prince

Summary: For her whole life in Elfhame, Jude had been convinced that mortals were unable to do magic. She clearly remembers Madoc telling her that there were no witches in fairyland. She assumed he meant that they didn't exist, not that they had been hunted into extinction. During one of her missions at hallow hall, Jude received information about a spell that requires a unicorn and a witch and her whole world gets turned sideways as she discovers why they were eradicated. After another mission where Jude saves a strangers life, an ancient grimoire finds its way to her bed with a note from the stranger thanking her for saving them and warning her to only read the spellbook but not to practice the magic within, lest she wishes to be burned by the folk. Jude heeded the warning as if Oriana had given it to her herself, that is she completely ignored it and did what she shouldn't. Tensions are high as the coronation swiftly approaches and Jude finds herself more deeply entwined with the web of lies that ties the Greenbriar line together than ever before. With nothing but her wits and her secret sender to aid her magical studies, Jude can only hope to make it out unscathed.

Rating: Mature but not explicitly till later chapters!

Ao3 chapter 2

AN: This is set during the cruel prince. I absolutely love the different character development of the characters from book to book. Specifically, Jude in book one being like I have no clue how to be a spy I’m going to fucking die and it’s my fault for making a deal with Dain! curse me, god! Always made me laugh. So playing with that and with Cardan’s talking door. I like to think the door can move around hollow hall so that is a headcanon in here. We were robbed of spy jude content and all it’s potential so here. we get to the witches later I promise

Jude Duerte had, on numerous occasions now, cursed herself for thinking she could ever be a spy in fairyland. For starters, she was a seventeen-year-old mortal up against fairies a hundred years her senior. Her mortality happened to be the very reason she couldn’t use magic, which brings us to the second reason being a spy was a foolish, foolish thing for her to be: she was at a monumental disadvantage to everyone else in fairyland because they were magical assholes by nature.

As she raced through the crowded party at Hollow Hall, ducking between dancers and enslaved mortals caring trays of fairie wine, trying to avoid the guards who caught her stealing, Jude realized that being mortal had another disadvantage since it probably made her incredibly disposable to Dain, the prince she served under and who she was, for all intents and purposes, enslaved to thanks to the geas she struck with him. Her death would be of little consequence to the prince.

She reached her hand out and grabbed the ostentatiously carved banister to her right, using it to swing her momentum in a direction where the guards wouldn't have her surrounded. She barrelled into a stairwell hidden from the view of the ball as people started shouting. Jude had at least remembered something she’d learned from her short time training in the spy’s keep: always find multiple exit routes. She had scouted out the stairwell before her mission had gone sideways as she mingled amongst the folk.

She raced up the stairs nearly tripping on her gown as she began her climb, heart racing so fast she thought it would burst out of her corset. Her geas with Dain would protect her from fairy enchantments but it wouldn't protect her from being impaled by a sword or spear. Regardless of how skilled she was with a blade herself, ten immortal guards against one human did not seem like good odds.

As Jude continued her ascent she realized that her exit route was less of an exit and more of a path further into the manor. The roach would have her neck for her idiocy… If she lived to ever see him again. She should have gone for the servant’s quarters instead, she thought with a groan. From there she already knew her way out of the manor. She didn’t think she would have guards chasing her on her way out so she had, rather foolishly, assumed she would be able to explore more of the massive grounds and figure out the layout better for the next time Dain sent her here to spy on his elder brother: Prince Belkin. Now Jude just hoped she would live to see another night, much less another mission.

As she continued her ascent up the round cobblestone stairwell, the noise of the party became lost to her and she couldn’t hear the guards in pursuit anymore. Perhaps her quick exit had been in her benefit after all. If she had gone for the servant’s quarters they surely would have seen her use it and would have gone after her. Each turn up the stairs, she passed a candle in an alcove, lighting the cobblestone steps beneath her. She paused to rest on a dark step outside the reach of the candle’s glow, lest someone use the stairs and see her hunched over in its flickering light catching her breath.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the note she not so subtly nipped from her target. Right as she had grabbed the note out of his pocket, a fairy with copious amounts of cologne passed her and made her sneeze. The messenger in front of her immediately spun around but before he could get a word out Jude had him in a chokehold; his cries for help dying in his throat. She had thought herself so clever until the goblet in his hand clattered to the floor, gaining the attention of a nearby guard. Then she had felt like an idiot, as the guard called for reinforcements.

The manor would be crawling with them now, but they would all be looking for a fairy with horns, yellow eyes, and pointed ears. Jude had gotten the costume from a gothic store in the mall of the mortal lands and tonight it proved to be useful. She chuckled to herself as she pulled the horns from her hair and removed the fake ears and colored contact lenses. She tucked them all into a large pocket of her skirt, making sure to put her contacts into their case. Once her breath had settled and she looked nothing more than a mortal servant again, Jude continued her ascent up the stairs, hoping that she wouldn't gain any more unnecessary attention until she was a long way from the manor and back in the safety of the spy’s keep.

Once she reached the door atop the stairs, Jude leaned her ear against the wood, listening for any potential passersby in the hall. She nearly pissed herself and fell back down the flight of stairs when a doorknocker, which certainly hadn’t been on the door when she leaned against it, blinked and spoke to her.

“Looking for trouble or hiding from it, my dear”

Jude didn’t have a clue what to say. What does one even say to a doorknocker? No matter how long she has lived in fairyland, the world and its strange magic always managed to perplex her. So she just stared at the metal face that was now molded into the door completely dumbfounded.

“You’re being rude.”

Jude shook herself from her stupor, and raised her chin, “Neither. What would make you think I was in any kind of trouble?”

“Probably something to do with you pressing your ear to the door to see if the coast was clear,” the doorknocker said with a stern face.

Jude pressed her lips together. Once again cursing herself for thinking she could be a spy. It was obvious that she wasn’t the encorcelled servant she was posing to be. She internally groaned; the stars were certainly against her tonight. If she said she was hiding from trouble she would be admitting to some extent of guiltiness; with that thought a scheme started taking form in her mind.

“Looking for it,” she said decidedly, mustering up a smirk that she didn’t feel, “do you know where I could find any?”

The door squinted at her, judging the truth of her words as he eyed her round ears, “try the second to the last door on the right,” he said, swinging open for her with a returning smirk on his metal face that made Jude uneasy.

“Perfect,” she replied mustering more false bravo into her voice, “and afterward when I need to hide from the trouble I find what direction would you point me in?”

The door beamed at her then, a grin stretching the brass of its face.

“Down the hall past that door there will be a stairwell hidden behind a tapestry depicting a pixie orgy. Take the stairs to the bottom and you will find yourself at the stables,” the door still smirked at her, as if he knew what she had been planning all along.

Jude curtsied at him and went on her way, planning on foregoing the ‘looking for trouble’ bit but, to her surprise, the doorknocker’s face appeared on the backside of the door when it closed behind her. Jude was certain now that the doorknocker hadn’t been there when she arrived. It must be enchanted to move as it pleased. Now he watched every step she took. Jude would have thought it a very clever way of safeguarding one’s manor if the door was not a huge liability for her now.

As she proceeded down the carpeted hall, the doorknocker’s face magicked from one door to the next, smirking at her as she made her way past ancient doors, scenic art of battles and kings long past, and tapestries woven by the hands of skilled sprites. Every inch of the hall radiated extravagance, much like the two fairy princes who lived here.

She had no option but to go ‘looking for trouble’ now, Jude realized with irritation, not if she wanted the door to keep quiet about her lurkings. However, Jude hardly needed to look for trouble, she could hear the cries of guards searching the manor for a thief. She had already found enough of it today as is.

When she reached the second to the last door on the right, the one the doorknocker had instructed her to find, she realized that she recognized it from her last mission at Hollow Hall. Her stomach felt squeamish at the memories it brought up. Of Belkin and the belt. Of the owner of this room kneeling on the floor taking the beating.

The annoying doorknocker appeared on the wooden door, right in front of her face, his eyes squinting at her.

“Just what kind of trouble will I be getting into?” she asked, “is Cardan inside?”

Jude dreaded the answer. The door probably brought her here to turn her into him. She had the sinking feeling that she was a dead man walking. She could only imagine what Cardan would do to her when he caught her, mind drifting to the note with her name furiously scrawled onto it over and over again. A chill ran down her spine.

“I was assuming you were looking for the fun kind of trouble, Jude,” the door replied, his brass eyes glinting in mischief as he said her name as if he knew exactly what she had been thinking of. She wondered if he had watched her steal the book from Cardan’s room. She wondered how he knew her name. The torches of the corridor cast a golden gleam on the metalworking of his brass face, the craftsmanship reminded her of her father’s blades and metalworking. Her chest squeezed at the memories of her late father, but not before she shuddered at whatever the door considered being ‘fun’.

“How did you know it was my young prince’s chambers?” the door asked dubiously, suspicion laced his voice. Perhaps he hadn’t witnessed her previous mission after all.

Jude ignored his question since he ignored one of hers, “how did you know my name?” she snarked back.

The doorknocker averted his eyes, clearly not wanting to answer. She smirked and continued.

“What would you do if I were to bolt?”

“Then my prince would hear of your suspicious whereabouts,” he replied, a smirk returning to his metal face. Jude wasn't sure which prince he referred to, Belkin or Cardan. She knew one was worse than the other. Cardan was only nineteen with no true courtly power since he was still in school. Belkin on the other hand was the eldest prince to the High King, was centuries old, and was in no shortage of power.

Jude realized, as the sound of the guards searching the manor grew closer, that she had no options that were beneficial to her. She did, however, have one option that was far better than the other. The guards in question would be in the hall at any second by the sound of it. She could either bolt now, get captured by them, and have the doorknocker spill her secrets... or she could face whatever was on the other side of this door.

For all that she knew Cardan could still be at the revel a few floors down. Drunk on wine and merriment like he always was and balls deep in a pretty sprite.

The door swung open in front of her, leaving her no chance to rethink her decision as she stepped inside the threshold of the chamber, closing the door behind her. On the other side, she could hear the guards storming into the hall where she had just been standing.

“My prince,” the doorknocker called out, his face now on the backside of the door, peering inside the room, “your mortal maiden has come calling for you.”

Jude’s heart plummeted to her stomach. She couldn’t believe she had hoped that Cardan would still be enjoying the festivities downstairs. Ugh! Of course, the knocker would’ve known he was inside. He could magic from room to room after all. It seemed that the stars truly were against her that night.

She smashed her eyes shut in fear of what was to come next but all she was met with grumbling coming from the beautiful four-poster bed.

Jude peeked her eyes open and saw that Cardan hadn’t even bothered looking up to acknowledge the door. He laid on his bed sprawled out on his side, head hunched over with his nose shoved into a book, his black hair hanging in his eyes. He had one of his black nails caught between his teeth as his eyes darted across the page. He looked so... disarming like this. Nothing like the wicked boy she had come to know at school.

He probably hadn’t the slightest clue about the chaos Jude had caused downstairs, as he sat there completely wrapped up in his own world. From the way he was positioned, Jude guessed he was getting to an interesting part of his book. From behind him, Jude spotted his tail darted in and out of sight, swatting from side to side. It was almost humorous watching his tail change its pace as his eyes flew across the page; the tail speeding up and slowing down depending on what he read before him. This was a wholly unique side to Cardan she had never seen before, not at school, nor the palace revels, nor during her spy missions. So this was the person Cardan was when he was all alone?

The Cruel Prince of Elfhame was… a bookworm?

The door grumbled beside her loudly, clearing his throat, while a small incredulous smile tugged the corners of Jude’s lips.

“In a minute,” Cardan drawled slowly, as though speaking through honey, like his words had to travel all the way back from whatever far off land the book had charted him off to.

“My prince,” the doorknocker urged.

“I’m in the middle of a very important scene, my door, I don’t care for your taunts right now,” Cardan grumbled to the doorknocker, putting the same amount of emphasis on ‘my door’ as the door had on ‘my prince’. They were obviously very familiar with each other from how they spoke. “And she’s not ‘my’ anything!”

The knocker barked out a laugh followed by a wink towards Jude and with that, he vanished. Leaving her alone with Cardan. She turned to the door and tried the handle but it held firm, refusing to turn. She heard the sound of the doorknocker chuckling from the other side of the door; standing guard and locking her inside to face whatever punishment Cardan deemed fit for her. She dreaded what was to come but... he had yet to even notice her there.

Cardan reached over to the bedside table with the hand he had held hostage between his full lips and grabbed a goblet of wine from a tray of cheese, faerie fruit, and crackers. From what she could see before her, Jude decided that Cardan had the makings for a wonderful night of relaxation. The sight made something stir within her, perhaps she did want to look for trouble. How privileged of him to be able to sit here with such comforts while Jude had to enslave herself in a geas and become a spy just to get a scrap of power. He had everything she did not.

Jude realized that there would be no better trouble to find than a chance to ruin Cardan’s perfect night. And just as he was getting to the good part of his book she thought with bitter humor. Boohoo! The poor little prince! She rolled her eyes as resentment swelled within her. Resentment and rancorous jealousy. If the stars wanted her in trouble tonight then who was she to work against them.

She looked him over; his hair the color of raven feathers looked as if he had raked his hands through it a few times, probably in distress for whatever was happening in his book. How lucky he was that he only had to worry about his book and--

--and Balekin's wrath.

All schemes of trouble froze at the sickening memory of the wet sound of Cardan’s blood meeting the leather belt. The memory was a cooling draught to the burning resentment that boiled within her. Perhaps his books were a means of escape from the abuse he endured…

But none of that excused the bullshit he put her through at school! Jude was made to feel small every day since she was stolen away from the mortal world, but you don’t see her taking it out on every person she met.

And just like that, her resentment began to simmer anew. Although less powerful.

She continued to look him over, contemplating just how to ruin his night of relaxation. No adornments graced his ears for once, nor rings on his fingers. Cardan wore a plain sleep shirt whose strings were loose, leaving much of his lean chest exposed; she could see bits of his scars peeking over his shoulders.

Jude thought again about how strange it was seeing him like this. He was still heartbreakingly as handsome as usual except now, with the lack of finery and makeup, Jude almost found him more lovely. All the extravagance that he draped himself in distracted from how naturally breathtaking he was on his own. Now with nothing to distract from his unearthly beauty, Jude found herself almost speechless at the sight of him. It made her furious. How could someone so lovely on the outside be so hideous within?

Jude shook the annoying thoughts from her head and tried the door once more. Locked. Damn it.

Seeing no other option, Jude cleared her throat and spoke at last.

“I supposed I could come back another time then, your majesty,” she sunk into a curtsy to hide her grin when she heard him choke on his wine, realizing that he wasn't alone in his room.

“I would hate to interrupt... especially if you’re ‘in the middle of a very important scene’,” she phrased the last bit like a question, implying its inherent rudeness to dismiss someone over something as trivial as a good book. Although if Jude were to be honest with herself, she wouldn't mind that being a reasonable excuse to dismiss someone.

She looked up and barely choke down the laugh that tried to bubble out of her throat at the sight before her. Of a flabbergasted Cardan with wine now staining the front of his sleep shirt and his black eyes ringed with gold bugging out of his head at the sight of her. He may be beautiful but he looked ridiculous at that moment.

“Now how does your door know my name and why did he refer to me as your maiden?”

chapter 2

[cherry-ber]

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy?”

Pairing: idol! Mark Lee x female reader

Plot: Lonesome creeps into everyone's mind, even those who seem to have it all.

Genre: fluff mostly, angst.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, extremely painful for me to write this since I feel lonely idk if that triggers you too.

A.N: inspired by the first draft of too drunk to fuck and my bff's dependence of wine to exist 😳 this took me 10 hours to write but it might still be pretty shit. And yeah Clueless some how

After a long, long week of continuous recordings, dance practices, re-recordings and photo sessions, all he wanted to do, was sleep for twenty hours straight. He knew that he was a very lucky man, he was really living the dream. Not everyone was able to do what they loved, with people they genuinely liked, and still get payed for it, but he was. He had always been grateful, he knew the real value of things in real life, and sometimes he felt like he didn't even deserve it.

An insane amount of people knew his name, knew him, and constantly made sure that he knew how appreciated he was, but he couldn’t understand it at all. Sure, he proved himself over and over again how great he could be, and he was proud too, but why did people really loved him? Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself, but lately he was struggling even more, he felt lost and unworthy, he felt guilty, even, because he shouldn't feel this way.

Mark was home alone, after his friends went out to have dinner and drinks. He excused himself out of the reunion saying that he would call his parents and then heading straight to the bed. He wasn't lying at all, he did have a small call with his family, and then went to his room, expecting that he'd fall asleep soon and forget about what he was feeling, he was done with that for today.

He played a movie in his computer, knowing that whatever it was, he wasn't paying attention anyway. He hated to admit it, but he felt like he was missing something, rather, someone. He felt ridiculous, knowing how much people loved him, how many friends he had, but he couldn’t help it, he would be lying if he didn't say he could use a little company. Mark was busy most of the time, which, although tiring, was an escape from his loneliness, it was moments like this where he'd have enough time to sink in this small puddle of angsty feelings, that just grew until it was as big as an ocean. He couldn't explain why he felt so bad, he had enough friends to count on, and even when he considered he was only in need of a physical affect, it turned out to not be the answer, even when he masturbated, when he was finished, those feelings were still there. As the movie went on without him noticing, he turned his head to the side, and imagined someone next to him, wearing his clothes and stealing his blanket. He giggles, imagining cuddling someone to sleep, their heat making him feel home. He finally closes his tired eyes with a smile, hoping his dreams will be sweet and last long.

He wakes up in a bad mood, and doesn't really want to talk to anyone, his older friends notice, and decide to let him be, they know that if something is really wrong, he'll come to them eventually. After a quick shower, he decided he needed some privacy, some time alone, despite being scared of being stuck with himself, and went out on his own, ignoring the texts on the group chat, where everyone wondered where he was going. He had breakfast in a small Cafe, went to a movie matinee, an art gallery, a theater play, and then to a mall to buy himself expensive clothes. He had an okay day, and he grew a little bit of joy, finding himself alone and still almost enjoying his time, but mostly, ignoring his mind when he saw a couple, and wished he could have that too. He enters a restaurant, intending to order something take out for his friends, as an apology for being moody and worrying them. He waits stand up next to the door, with a cup of coffee they offered him, until he suddenly turns around after hearing his order being ready, and ceashes with someone as he does. He spilled his drink over his and their clothes. He starts apologizing, but all he gets as a response is a soft, sweet giggle. He looks to the stranger's face, and is met with a fond smile.

“It's okay, go get your food, I can fix myself”

He's caught off guard, and all he can do is shake his head yes and do as he is told, coming back to them, apologizing again.

“I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry” he's totally embarrassed, and he feels a blush running through his face.

“It's alright, it wasn't your fault”

The stranger walks inside to take a table, and he rushes out, walking back home. That giggle makes its way to his mind a couple times as he arrives.

After eating, he goes to bed, feeling somehow full with himself, but he doesn't know if it was after forcing himself to like him, or if he was so desperate for someone that a small interaction like that would get him sleepless thinking this person would be his person.

On that same week, he founds himself running into that same stranger everywhere. When he goes get coffee with his friends, when they go to buy groceries, when he heads to the studio, and he wonders if he should be worrying, but decides not to.

Surprisingly, he founds her again, when he is entering a new coffee shop, and she walks her way out. He opens the door for her, and is met with her fond smile again, that grows larger as she recalls his face. She mumbles a sweet 'thank you' and keeps walking. Some courage grows inside Mark, and blurts out whatever his brain was fast enough to say.

“Thanks for not spilling that coffee back” the young lady finds the sentence, although awkward, funny, and turns back to him to reply.

“Maybe I should pay for your coffee, though, you were enjoying it until I crashed into you” Her melodic voice is enough to put Mark in a trance, and loses control of what he's doing, disconnecting from his awkward self.

“Actually it was my fault” he giggles remembering how sweet she was, even after Mark probably just ruined her day “Did you get a horrible stain?”

She walks closer to him, small steps that make his heart beat faster.

“It wasn't horrible, I wouldn't say that, it was just, slightly bad”

“I don't want to be a weirdo, are you busy right now? I could use some chatting, and I really owe your laundry money”

She was never an outgoing person, but she was flattered by his proposal. She was meeting someone, but she figured it wouldn't be important enough to not cancel.

“I would love that, but you owe me nothing” she giggles and walks beside him into an empty table.

“I'm Mark, by the way”

“I know that” she laughs it off, attempting for things not to be awkward “My name is Y/N”

It was only after several months, that Mark found himself, again, over thinking about how lonely he was, and how desperate he was for it to end. Whenever he had the chance, he'd spend time with his new friend, and for some weeks, thats was enough, until he realized that, all she wanted from him, was a friendship. His friends noticed, too, how after a while, that wasn't enough for him, but he was terrified he'd lose her, but they'd often try to help him out in whatever way other men would think was best, teasing her when she was at the dorms, insinuating how cute of a couple they'd be, and shamelessly asking if by any chance, she'd have feelings for him, never really giving away Mark's crush on her, not explicitly at least.

One afternoon, when they were all watching a movie together, when suddenly, Johnny and Taeyong convinced everyone to go out and have dinner, even after Mark suggested they just called the restaurant, because he was too tired to go out.

“Oh” Taeyong said, grabbing his keys and putting on a hat “then you can stay here with Y/N and order something and we can take our time”

The girl was a little disappointed, she loved spending time with the other guys two, but she agreed, knowing that Mark wouldn't want be convinced to leave the couch.

She sees then leave, and turns around to look at her friend, somehow aware of what his friends were trying to do; leave them alone, after last night they discussed Mark should just accept the reject, and confess. The boy asked, pleaded and begged them not to leave them alone, after he opened up about his feelings, but of course, his friends thought they'd know better.

“Can you order pizza while I take a shower?” his attention called back to where he was, as the sweet woman walked into the living room, with a bottle of wine and two cups. Mark chocked in his spit, when the thought of her showering, and how much he'd love to enter the scene, crossed his mind.

“Yeah, sure” he watched her walking away “Do you want some clothes?”

“Well, if I could steal one of your hodies tonight, I wouldn't mind”

He does as he's asked, calling a pizzeria and taking off his hoodie, hoping that she'd appreciate the smell of his cologne, that he wears only when she's coming around.

When she comes out, wearing her jeans and tank top, he throws the sweater at her, she puts it on and sits in the couch next to him, ready to start eating, reaching out for the bottle to serve them a cup after the first bite.

“I don't want to drink that” he'd never been a fan of alcohol, he knew he could use a boost, but he was still afraid of it.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“I don't drink wine” She recalled how he'd often drink with Johnny and her, whenever Johnny wanted to open a bottle, which happened quite often, but decided not to insist, although she did pour a cup for herself.

Mark, and any other men, really, always wondered what could she be thinking about, she was wild, energetic, but calmed and peaceful, she was always kind, but wouldn't hesitate to start a fight if to defend herself or someone else, she was never scared, but she was sensitive and fragile. He couldn't help the sigh that left his body, remembering why he had feelings for her in the first place. He knew how much she'd hate to be in a relationship, they had already discussed it, after some girl confessed to Mark, and she mentioned how relationships to her were useless, since she got all the love she wanted from her friends, and that way, she made sure that all the love she gave was reciprocal. When he told his manager about his feelings, expecting him to give him helpful advice, he just told him to forget about her. “women like her are too complicated, it's not worth it”. He wondered then, how many other guys would think the same, and refused to be one of those.

They were both full, and cuddling in the couch, she was sipping her second cup, when Mark suddenly poured a cup for himself too, and drank it in one large sip. He felt a rush through his body, his face flustered, and a numb sensation in his limbs. He was trying to keep himself still, but the sudden alcohol in his body made him bubbly and the woman next to him realized. The cheesy romcom that was playing on the back made him giggle in every other scene, and with every minute that went by, he felt looser and looser. He served another cup and drank it just as fast as the first one. Soon, he found himself leaning towards the body that sat next to him. Y/N pat her thigh, inviting Mark to rest his head there, which he did, while fidgeting with his fingers.

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy” he lets out in a serious tone.

Giggly, his friend shakes her head no, and places her cup in the table in front of them. “Do you feel like sexy?”

He sits himself back, eyes wide open, same serious expression in his face.

“I guess so?” he laughs at how dumb he must sound “I feel... Jiggly”

Her sweet, loud laugh fills the room, and Mark is proud of himself for making her so happy.

“Love, you should go to sleep already” he feels his face hotter and hotter, and can only imagine how red he must be “you were already tired, I'll clean up and meet you in your room-”

Mark bursts out of his bubble and speaks

“Don't do that” he says softly, as if he was genuinely hurt by her words “Please, don't do that”

Worried, Y/N walks closer to him, “Do what?”

He looks down to his feet, feeling tears forming in his eyeballs, product of his low alcohol tolerance, and his overall emotional state. “Dont call me love. You don't love me”

She reaches for his hands, attempting to make him look straight at her eyes “Of course I love you Mark”

“Not the way I want you to”

She had never been good with other people's feelings, especially romantic feelings, she had a hard time catching indirects.

“In which way is that?” hesitant, Mark stares at her for a couple seconds, before staring at her lips, too numb to do better, he grabes her chin and pulls her closer to him, a sweet, slow kiss surprising her as much as himself. When he pulls away and expects a response of any kind, all she can do is try to look at him.

“Oh, Mark” she finally manages to say “is this the way you feel?” he nods, still nervous but hopeful that she'll feel the same “You're drunk, go to sleep” she turns around as she cleans as quick as she can, as mark makes his way to his room, or to the first room he sees open.

Before the other men living in the dorms arrive and ask questions that she doesn't want to answer, she leaves, leaving a post it note in the fridge for Mark”

“Drink water and have a painkiller,

I had to go home. Thanks for the wine

-Y/N”

Too many weeks after, Mark calls her phone one more time before he enters the dorms, wondering if he had really done the worst thing in the world, for her to ghost him like that. He let a tired sigh out, grateful that he was home alone again. He goes to his room, ready to sleep for as long as he can, but when he opens the door, the lights are on, and in his bed sits what could be only described as an angel, beautiful as always, smiling and kind Y/N, with a cup of wine in her delicate hands, and another one on his nightstand, that she offers him as he's taking off his shoes and sweater.

With pain and regret in her eyes, as he's taking the first sip, she attempts to break the silence. “You ever notice how wine makes people feel sexy?”

[charles-edwin]

Venji has always been endgame: Benji’s attraction to Victor

the first thing I really need people to understand is that Benji is not watching the show, he’s not seeing things through Victor’s point of view, and for the most part of the season he has no idea Victor is struggling with his sexuality. from Benji’s point of view, Victor is straight and into Mia. that’s how I’m going to be analyzing his thoughts and actions (well, guessing mostly because he does lack screen time and insight moments. hopefully we’ll get more of him in season two!!)

btw I’m gonna break it down episode by episode because I’m insane (and I also feel strangely connected to Benji so don’t @ me)

Episode 1 - Welcome to Creekwood

as I’ve mentioned before, you can interpret Benji’s “nice shoes!” line as interest. but even if you’re not willing to do that, I still think it’s valid to consider that he might’ve felt some kind of immediate connection to Victor (if episodes 2 and 3 are any indication of that. and the Call Me Maybe lyrics).

Episode 2 - Stoplight Party

the “Benji attempts to teach Victor how to make a espresso” scene is very much about Victor’s attraction to Benji so I don’t wanna look too much into it. also Benji comes off as (at least for me!) a very attentive and loving person, so his dedication to teaching Victor felt very genuine. but still like...... he did get lost in Victor’s eyes for a moment before the milk spilled akdjksdjjs

then at the end of the episode Benji calls Victor late at night (he even apologizes for that) when he could’ve called Victor at any other time or could’ve just told him at school. and well, (I may be reaching here but headcanons are always good!!) I like to believe Benji couldn’t stop thinking about Victor, which is why he decided to call. for some unknown reason he already feels connected to Victor and wanted to hear his voice and—

let me stop here before I write a whole fanfic because that’s not the purpose of this post.

Episode 3 - Battle of the Bands

oh boy, I’m gonna try to unpack this episode, hopefully I’ll make some sense. I’m very sorry if I fail!

so, Victor and Benji have the Call Me Maybe (cutest) moment, in which Victor tells Benji that he’s going on a date with Mia the next day.

Now. I need you to remember that Victor explicitly told Benji that he and Mia wouldn’t go to the Battle of the Bands and that Benji had already performed when Victor got there and only performed again because his band won the battle (so I’m pretty sure Victor wasn’t supposed to hear the Call Me Maybe cover). therefore this wasn’t Benji confessing his feelings to Victor. if anything, I believe it was his way of dealing with the intense and ever-growing feelings that he has for Victor through his biggest passion (music), pretty much like making a reference to something that you know no one else will understand (since for everyone else it’s just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop).

but then Victor eventually shows up and hears Benji singing Call Me Maybe and for him it’s definitely not just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop anymore. it’s their song

after the performance, it looks like Benji is going to talk to him about it, maybe to try and make it seem like it’s no big deal (since he thinks Victor is into Mia, and he himself is in a long term relationship) but Derek appears and we’re all left heartbroken (Simon & his friends included).

what I’m trying to say is: they are two halves of the same idiot. while Victor is in denial of his sexuality and attraction to Benji, Benji is in denial of his growing feelings for Victor. we love this denial duo

Episode 4 - The Truth Hurts

not much to say about this one BUT. at the beginning of the episode you can see how Victor and Benji are working totally in sync, to the point where they barely need words like the freaking soulmates that they are. honestly, I’m done pretending they aren’t soulmates because this show just kept shoving that into our faces over and over and if you failed to see it then it’s not my problem (or maybe it is since I’m literally spending my time trying to explain exactly that. but I just care too much about these two and I want people to understand why).

then Derek calls and Benji picks up lovingly because he’s a loving person and a caring boyfriend and even though he might be struggling with his feelings for Victor, he’s not about to neglect his boyfriend (shame we can’t say the same thing about Derek) (no I will not stop throwing shade at him).

Episode 5 - Sweet Sixteen

I could try and say several things about this one but for real, BENJI DREW VICTOR AND GAVE HIM THE DRAWING AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT. like! this stupidly artistic boy!!!!!!!!! this stupidly caring boy!!!!!!!!! he could’ve bought Victor literally anything or not even bothered to think of a gift At All, but he took the time to DRAW VICTOR LIKE ONE OF HIS FRENCH BOYS!!!!! what am I supposed to do with this knowledge!!!!

now I’m imagining Benji observing Victor. the way the light hits his face, how his shoulders move, the shape of his hands....... all the while telling himself it’s just to draw Victor!!!!! but that’s still beautiful and frankly thirsty nonetheless.

p.s I was robbed of a scene like that.

Episode 6 - Creekwood Nights

not much to say about this one except the show blatantly telling us that Derek can be real shitty sometimes. also, I wanna talk about Venji’s dynamics throughout the show so bad but it deserves a post of its own so I’m gonna hold my tongue.

Episode 7 - What Happens In Willacoochee

(stays in Willacoochee or maybe it will haunt your gay ass all the way to New York).

oh boy, this is where shit starts going down for real.

so Victor kisses Benji. I’m not going to defend Victor because what he did was reckless and dumb and frankly disrespectful. but I need to say that it was going to happen sooner or later because when you repress something too hard and for too long, it’s bound to come back with full force and explode in your face. I really wish it was in a different circumstance, of course, but also life isn’t always made of perfect situations and shit happens. (and nope, that does not excuse Victor’s actions).

now think about Benji. he’s been struggling with his feelings for Victor, who as far as he knows is straight and in a relationship, and then suddenly Victor kisses him. my best guess (due to his reaction to Victor’s speech in episode 10) is that he thinks Victor isn’t being serious about it, that in no moment that kiss meant anything but curiosity and recklessness, when they both have people to lose (again, he doesn’t know that Victor struggles with his sexuality, much less that Victor has feelings for him).

so yeah, I believe Benji was upset, not only with Victor though, but with himself.

(I’ll come back to this in a second)

no Benji in episode 8 so.......

Episode 9 - Who The Hell Is B

Benji decides to leave the coffee shop. Victor tells him that the kiss wasn’t his fault and Benji says that being around Victor makes him feel guilty, now why is that?

firstly because he’s not a psychopath and the fact that he cheated on Derek makes him feel guilty. but I do believe that that’s not the only thing that makes him feel guilty. deep down he liked kissing Victor. he likes Victor, he’s been doing his best to keep that buried but Victor had to go and complicate things, so now the only way to avoid making a bigger mess is staying as far away as possible from each other. so he runs back to the safety of his relationship with Derek.

(listen, I know the show makes it seem like Benji is super angry and wants nothing to do with Victor but I don’t believe that’s the case. he’s upset and feeling guilty for liking someone else, denial does make you act very hostile sometimes).

Episode 10 - Spring Fling

Benji’s denial continues but (thankfully) it won’t last much longer.

he goes to the bathroom and tells Victor that he’s read his letter and that he does forgive him for kissing him but that that doesn’t change anything, that it’s best for them to stay away from each other.

that’s until he hears Victor’s speech to Derek (which was more to Benji than Derek so). that’s the moment he realizes that Victor actually likes him, that the kiss as cursed as it was had meant something, that they both feel exactly the same thing. that’s what gives him courage to finally accept that he can’t be with Derek anymore because his heart belongs to someone else. (has belonged to Victor from the moment they met) akdjskdjsj someone please tell me to shut up

which leads us to the bench kiss(es) scene. now, these boys are a whole mess because Victor was still technically dating Mia (he did try to come out to her before, couldn’t do it so he decided to come out after the Spring Fling) (good intention, poor execution).

But I also believe this was just lazy writing and they wanted to have a scene where Mia catches Victor and Benji together. it could’ve been done better, they could’ve been just touching foreheads or something but they wanted the full drama so the kiss(es) happened. I’m taking 50 points away from the writers for this. (also does not excuse Victor or Benji since they literally met halfway. these idiots are so in love wtf!)

(I still love them though, and hope they do better in the future, for themselves and for each other).

anyway, I think that’s it! if you read up until this point: thank you so much!!!! I tried my best to understand and explain Benji since the show said fuck Benji stans. hope this helps!

— love, MJ

[watchinglikeafangirl]

The way they handled Type’s trauma

I thought I would never come to the taste of thinking about TharnType ever again but here we are. Whose fault is that? The peaceful nature’s. How dare it let my thoughts wander and why bring up TharnType all of a sudden, brain?

I think I don’t have to tell anyone here what a f***ed up show TharnType was and why I mainly wanted to forget about it, but we’re going to dig a little bit deeper into one of the aspects that made this show so unlogical and showed its inconcistency: the way Type’s childhood trauma was handled. The inconsistency concerning that aspect mostly shows during the second season because that’s when it all went down to sh*t. I still think - though I’m not proud to say this - TharnType season one was a guilty pleasure. Yes, they are toxic and the end fight was really something else, but I somehow found it enjoyable enough to keep at it. I was at least a bit invested and I have to give Tee (the director) all the credits for that because I believe it’s totally on him that the show was watchable. The story was garbage from the very beginning but at least he made it work. It didn’t look that bad any more - not until you sat down and reminisced about the plot, but that’s not his fault. Tee totally nailed it with “Lovely Writer”, so yes, directors have a lot to say and when they changed directors for season two, the endproduct made me wanna run away from my phone. I don’t even know why I kept watching. I guess because it was an internet joke to do so. Just like the people still watching Riverdale: because it’s so bad, it’s nearly not funny any more but somehow compelling.

season one

This season starts off with a very important piece of information of Type: he is homophobic. We don’t get a real reason for a long time because he didn’t really bring up arguments against homosexuality. He was just against queer people, period. It takes a while before Type opens up to Tharn about why he is so afraid of homosexual men explicitly. Until then, there’s a lot of weird, uncomfortable sexual tension between them with Tharn basically dragging Type against a wall or something, so he can’t escape him. Yeah, this toxicness of their relationship is a different topic...

To be honest, I didn’t expect Type’s reason to be that shocking. I had tears in my eyes when he talked about being molested as a child because this is just something one doesn’t expect. It’s such an aweful action and experience, I can’t imagine. So, yeah, the reason for his fear of gay men comes from this childhood trauma and it literally explains everything.

He had nightmares of that day. He was obviously scared of his feelings because in his head that would mean being like his molester. And he didn’t want to be the center of someone’s attention again since his family pressed charges after he was molested. Actually, the reason why Type was  so violent the whole time was to make others stay away from him, so he won’t ever be the talk of town again. If you’re untouchable nobody dares to try, so you live isolated from the world. It’s some sort of self-protection. It goes that far that he rejects gay men to have anything to do with him. He only met one homosexual up until this point at that meeting was traumatizing, so it makes sense for his character to be scared, to be hauted by that fear. But since Tharn is pretty needy, Type can’t escape him. His self-protection still kicks in because later, he refuses to define himself as gay. Being gay would mean being like his molester or at least, share something with him which is a terrifying thought.

The scene when Type tells Tharn about his horrible life experience, it was probably the most touching scene of the whole show and no other scene follows on this list. No, their break-up doesn’t count for me because I giggled the whole time because of the acting lmao. Sorry but no. Anyway, that scene indeed was touching and I was really shocked. The way Tharn then stops Type from telling any more felt realistic and this whole situation was very private. Just two people getting to know each other deeper. And all the ugly things included.

But - there’s always a but with TharnType - after the confession, nobody seems to care any more. It’s like letting the audience know was the missio here and it’s accomplished now, so let’s move on. Let’s not discuss how much it still affects Type. In fact, let him look like a total a**hole and a bully. Tharn is not more gentle with Type, pushes him even more into telling others though Type needs to sort his struggles out alone first. But then, Type doesn’t give a damn as well and they don’t talk about this topic again. Then, their relationship is more important.

Later this season, Type’s dad even nealy makes a joke about the whole trauma and I find that a bit disturbing. But again, Type is not touched by it. It seems like he doesn’t remember it, like this information was never given to us. It’s very odd but okay. The fight with Llong took more time though it was played out in a very boring way.

season two

Okay, season one was fine compared to this aweful masterpiece called “TharnType: 7 years of love”. It’s been seven years and the relationship didn’t make ANY progress. Type still hasn’t outed himself to the world and they are still jealous of women. So much inconsistency, it hurts. But let me just continue talking only about Type’s trauma because season two just walked over it.

In the beginning, Type’s behavior still mirrors that trauma. It is still visible because he doesn’t tell anyone about his boss keeping an eye on him. Why is that? Because he is again the victim of harassment and is too afraid to admit it, even to himself, because that would mean casting attention onto him. He can’t let this fear of events repeating go, he can’t shake it off. It’s again his self-protection to not let bad memories get ahead of him and mess with his thoughts. Labeling something as harassment might cause his nightmares to return because a trauma doesn’t leave your mind entirely. The bad night and days turn into bad moments but it still returns to you over and over again, but Tharn seems to have forgotten that. He seems to have forgotten his partner he shares a bed with gets heavy nightmares whenever he feels pressured. Tharn continues pushing Type to marriage and talking more about the stress at work. He doesn’t care because Tharn is selfish just like Type. The trust issues surrounding their relationship are ridicolous. Seven years for god’s sake!

Well that is that. I just wanted to point out Type’s trauma is still visibly sticking to him. But this season turns around completely with the whole Fiat kidnapping. That’s the moment when things stop to make sense entirely because Type seems to have forgotten everything about his trauma. He comes up with the plan to kidnap Fiat, forcing someone with a boyfriend to flirt with him, lets Leo watch all of this whilst feeling like the smartest person in the room. But man, did you forget you’re making Fiat the victim of abusement, just like you are one?! Why the hell did he do that? To punish Fiat? It freaking looks like he’s about to r*pe him! Shouldn’t Type know from personal experience how much such events affect a person? Fiat must’ve felt weak, scared - more like terrified - and helpless. It leaves a scar Type can tell a story about but he forgot. He forgot that with doing this, he’s not much better than his molester which would’ve originally been a no-go for him but I guess, he reached his lowest point here and there's no turning back. He doesn't seem to regret it anytime later because he doesn't even tell Tharn...

conclusion

It's is obvious the card of the trauma is only played when they have no other idea of explaining situations. The characters constantly forget about it until it's important again which shows exactly, the writers didn't care enough. Or MAME didn't care enough which she would set me on fire for but teh inconsistency is undenieable. It seems like it wasn't the original plan to give Type a tragic background but the story was too boring without it but some scenes wouldn't've worked normally because of the trauma. Type would never have kidnapped Fiat! But who am I telling this? You already know...

Yeah well, I guess we can agree season one at least knew what it was and tried to work with that and season two just totally lost its purpose.

[dandelioninsinthespring]

Catching fire is my favorite movie, just like it is for many fans because it was cinematographically and acting wise incredible. Josh Hutcherson does a great job conveying vulnerability in Peeta, and Sam Claflin is great at showing how cocky, but smart Finnick is. And ofc Jennifer Lawrence. I only have to think about her scenes right after Cinna dies where she goes from absolute shock to sadness to *game face* in literal seconds and you can actually SEE the transition. Same with the end of the movie where Gale tells her a district 12 is no more and her face changes from despair to panic to anger and we know Katniss is going to kill Snow, even thought she hasn’t said anything. The film still has its faults...most important being making Plutarch into this mastermind who put Katniss in the Quill on purpose vs it being a shock to him in the books and the complete lack of info about the existence of District 13. Because there’s no Bonnie and Twill, it comes out of no where in the movies when Haymitch tells Katniss D13 exists and they are flying there rn. But still, I think the writing and performances (and a little bit of google for non readers) makes up for these mistakes.

Now let’s talk about Mockingjay. I hold the unpopular opinion that it was OK to split the last book into 2. I know it was a purely financial decision but I think knowing how much is covered in mockingjay and the absence of an inner monologue, splitting the book into two movies ideally allows to tell the full story without it feeling rushed or confusing. With this in mind, why did the last two movies suck??

Mainly, the writing. The writing was literally terrible. all of the subtext that the writers used in catching fire to portray katnisses/ other characters emotions is gone in mockingjay. everything is stated. I only have to think back to Part 1 where Peeta says “they’re coming katniss” instead of just “district 13, dead by morning!” to prove my point. That moment in the movies was nearly laughable. Not only do they explicitly make peeta state that there’s going to be a bombing of D13, but then Haymitch has to say “that was a warning”. There’s absolutely no subtext. And don’t even get me started on that weird zoom call between president snow and Katniss while they try to get out Peeta from the capitol. It’s just a whole lot of : “President snow, president snow it’s katniss” as of the Wifi is bad or something.

and ofcourse Finnick. It felt like character assasination the way they dealt with him in part 1. In the books, Finnick is a literal depressive MESS. He can’t leave the hospital or not be sedated for long periods of time because he’s absolutely lost it thinking of annie in the capitol. In fact he wishes that she’s dead because he can’t stop thinking that his actions are going to end up in her getting tortured. It’s incredibly painful to watch Finnick, who’s so confident and assured in himself, the comedic relief and most importantly someone Katniss genuinely likes, become this shell of himself barely able to be conscious because the love of his life is held captive. in the movies, he’s just...boeing. In fact he seems quite put together, but just not contributing much to the scenes he’s in. and we know these actors are capable cuz we have seen it before in the previous movie. But the writing removed all subtext and ruined the characters. Even Coin, who all of us dislike in the books, who constantly reminds Katniss of who’s in charge by torturing her prep team, publicly holding her to her role of the mockingjay etc, is not as ruthless...in fact she’s kind and seems like she wants to be a benevolent leader who cares about Katnisses wellbeing. This is why people who didn’t read the books are so confused about why Katniss shoots coin instead of snow.

I think the easiest way that Mockingjay could’ve knocked it out of the park like Catching fire did is would have been to show Peetas POV in the capitol. Instead of boring scenes filled with empty space and meaningless conversations to fill the movie time in part 1, adding in scenes of peetas capitivity would make the movie more intense and allow viewers to connect with the changed Peeta and feel for him. especially with how big of a role he plays in part 2 and in Katnisses recovery...it would have been nice to see his captivity so the audience could feel how broken and guilty Katniss feels about Peeta and the importance of his own recovery post the war.

[apenapaperandadoofus]

19 (habits) with saeran and its hurt/comfort? 👀

Yusssss I love those

Habits (Saeran hurt/comfort) also a bit smutt bc I needed it I'm sorry I felt so bad and I needed to spoil muh baby

TW: mentions of abuse and self harm (not explicitly and it isn't the extreme kind though!)

You had been living with Saeran for a whole month now, and you couldn't be happier. You had managed to get the twins reunited again, and you solved the whole issue with the cult and RFA. Saeran was finally free.

Still, even though there were good times, there were bad times too. Saeran had spent most of his life in an abusive home, and afterwards was held in a place that did even more damage this mental health, and even if everything was solved, it still took time for him to be able to control his temper or ignore the sudden mood swings that would come.

Even if he managed to merge his two personalities together, sometimes Saeran came out, and sometimes it was Ray. It mostly depended on the situation.

Saeran wasn't one to easily get angry though, and he was really good at controlling his temper. Yet, sometimes he couldn't help but feel this anger inside, this hatred. And then he would scold himself for feeling that way, and he'd be back in the habit of calling himself so many awful things. Not only that, but sometimes he'd punch a wall, or tear at his hair, or just grip his arm so hard he'd end up bleeding.

But he was working on it.

One morning you had woken up to Saeran happily cooking you breakfast, and you smiled and gave him a kiss on the lips, making him blush.

Still, Saeran looked at you with a surprised expression when he saw you didn't go and sit beside him.

"Y/N?" He asked.

"Sorry Saeran, but I told you yesterday that I had something to do in the morning and so I couldn't eat with you. Still thank you for the food, could you please put it in the microwave so I can heat it up later?" You said.

Saeran frowned though. "I don't remember you telling me anything about that, I thought we were going to spend the day together."

"I know, but they suddenly called in at work, there's this new guy who keeps making mistakes and he really fucked up this time. But I'll be home as soon as possible!" You said as you made yourself a cup of coffee. Saeran sat quietly for a few minutes and then looked up at you.

"Well can't you leave it to Jihae and Emma? You've been working every single day ever since we moved in. Can't you work at home?"

You sighed. "Saeran, we've talked about this. I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to fulfill my promise today, but I swear I'll make it up to you!"

"That's what you said last time...." Saeran mumbled, and you stopped in your tracks.

"This time I promise I'll do it-"

"Well this is the fifth time you've said that. Listen Y/N, I don't exactly know if there's anything going on with the house, or with me or us, but you've been gone the whole time."

"Yes working! It's not like I'm super hyped up about it either, stop talking as if I'm doing this on purpose or something! I'm just trying to provide for us."

"Yeah but before it wasn't like this." He stood up and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Whatever, fine. Go to work."

"Why are you suddenly so irritated that I'm going to work?"

"It's not that, it's just that spending time with you is really important to me and I feel like..."

"Like what Saeran?" You glared.

He looked at the ground. "Nevermind, I don't want to fight."

"No, no please finish the sentence. Like what?"

He stood quiet for a bit and then said, looking at you. "Like you don't really care anymore."

"Excuse me?"

"Every single day it's work, work, work, and everytime I want to just spend a few hours with you you always seem to have something come up. It wasn't like this before."

"Saeran I just got promoted, I have to show that I was worth it. I can't just put everything on hold because you feel lonely!"

"Wow, thank you, I love hearing that the love of my life actually cares about work more than me." He said sarcastically, and your eyes widened.

"Oh, I'm sorry for wanting to PROVIDE for us, Saeran, I'm just trying to help! Seriously I can't stay by your side every single hour of the day, you're not a child! And work is important!"

"Well then if work is so important then why don't you just go and start a relationship with it. You seem to be in love with it. In fact, why don't you just go and never come back!"

Now the both of you were yelling, and you felt so...so mad. You had never seen Saeran this angry before and that only made it worse.

"Maybe I will! You'd like thaytright!? For me to just leave and not turn around!"

"Yes, in fact, you're right! I don't need to be around you the whole time, I can take care of myself, in fact, I don't even need you anymore, so just leave! Maybe then I'll be truly happy for once!"

You stiffened. "You aren't happy here?"

Saeran crossed his arms and gave you that familiar cold glare you had seen in Mint Eye all those months ago.

"No. Why would I be happy with an idiot like you? All you've been doing is ingnoring me and trying to avoid me."

"Saeran I....ugh, you're just- you're impossible sometimes!!! Just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't care! And I hate that, I hate that every time I look the other way for a bit you get sad and mad, it's so tiring, you're tiring, so don't blame me for wanting to go and spend some time by myself for once!!"

Saeran flinched, but you were too mad to stop. "Why can't you think of that for once, I mean, you aren't even making sense! Why did you think I moved in with you?!"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because of pity and to make yourself feel better. That's the only reason you've been doing anything at all, every single action you do it's to make yourself feel as if you're important, as if you actually matter in this world, and that's why sometimes you get into stupid shit, because you're thinking of being the 'good charitable one' and head into problems without thinking. And now you're doing it with that thing at work, you saw that I was getting better so now you got to hop on to the next problem to give your worthless life some meaning." He snarled. "You-" then Saeran stopped. He was pacing around the room and turned to look at you to say something else, but then he saw tears were streaming down your face and he just...he felt so many emotions at once. He felt...mad to see you cry. And he felt....guilty. You had been the first one to call him tiring, and he just lost control at that moment. His immediate reaction was to insult you, to try and cause you the same pain.

Saeran quickly moved towards you and tried to touch your cheek, to make you look up.tl him. "I'm...I'm sorry Y/N I-"

Then, as if on reflect you slapped his hand away and glared. "Don't....just...don't..."

You grabbed your purse and keys and left the kitchen, leaving Saeran all alone.

He looked at his hand. You had never....never done something like that before. It wasn't as strong as when his mother would do it, in fact it didn't even physically hurt him. But he felt his heart break as he realized what the two of you had done.

He had said things...awful things. The two of you. And he had regretted them immediately.

Saeran felt his eyes water and tried to wipe them.

Don't cry, don't cry. You're not weak. Weak people cry and you're not weak.

Still, he couldn't help the sob that came out of his mouth and he paced around the room, gripping his hair. Then he quickly went to the bathroom to look at himself, to try and calm down.

He looked at his reflection. His hair was now messy, and his eyes red. He had been crying non-stop. Still, he glared at the person he saw in the mirror.

He hated it. He gripped his hands so hard. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to scream, to take it out on someone like he usually did, or to take it out on... himself.

You idiot, you goddamn idiot. You've ruined everything, this is your fault all your fault. Now they're... they're going to leave and it's because they finally saw that you weren't worth it, you are never worth it you stupid, stupid weakling.

He sobbed and then felt the anger inside of him suddenly take over, and he punched the mirror.

"DAMMIT!!" He cried, as he held his now bleeding hand and sat on the toilet.

You idiot! You abdolute idiot, why, why?! You're nothing you're worthless why why?! You don't deserve happiness you don't deserve anything nice in this world, why don't you just shrivel up and die you worthless bug.

He gripped his hair as memories of what his mother would say to him came back, of what Rika used to tell him all the time. Then he also remembered the cold look in your face and panted, feeling as if he wasn't able to breathe anymore. God what should he do? You were never going to forgive him, and you were right.

He was tiring. He wasn't worth your time, your love. Yeah...he wasn't worth it, he doesn't deserve you...maybe it'd be better if he....if he...-

"Saeran."

He suddenly jumped up from the toilet and snapped his head to look at the where the sound came from. You were standing in the doorway, your hair messy and your eyes red from crying. Saeran felt his heart break once again.

The two of you stood in silence for what seemed like hours, until you walked over to Saeran.

He held his breath, getting prepared to hear you saying you wanted it to end, that you didn't love him anymore. But...you didn't say anything of the sort. He gasped as he felt you wrap your arms around him in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry Saeran." You cried, and it was suddenly as if something inside him moved, something that finally made him break. He gripped you tightly and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you Y/N, I love you, I love you so much." He mumbled as he felt the tears freely fall from his eyes this time. The two of you hugged each other, tightly, whispering so many words of love, of comfort. You ran your fingers through his hair as you whispered how much you loved him, how much he meant to you and you kept apologizing for what you said over and over again, while Saeran did the same.

At one point Saeran gently pushed you away and cupped your cheek, making you look up at him. Then he kissed you.

It was a messy, desperate kiss, the two of you still crying and sobbing and saying even more I love you's until you couldn't talk anymore.

When you pulled away you looked at Saeran, and then you noticed the bathroom mirror and gasped, immediately taking his hand to check it.

"Saeran..." You sobbed, as you looked at his bloody knuckles.

"I'm sorry...I got...I got a bit carried away...."

You shook your head and made him sit down on the toilet while you grabbed some towles and opened the sink, getting them wet. Then you knelt in front of Saeran and gently cleaned his hand.

Saeran bit his lip, trying to stop more tears from falling. He felt so bad, about telling you to leave, that you didn't matter, he felt so mad that he let his anger get the best of him.

And even after he said that....you came back. And you were taking care of him.

He can't remember the last time someone took care of his wounds like that for him. Last time he got hurt it was at mint eye, and you weren't even there yet. And now, he felt so grateful, so lucky to have you here.

As soon as you finished cleaning his knuckles you grabbed his hand and brought it to your lips, kissing them.

"Saeran...I'm really sorry. I should've...I should have never said said that. You...you are everything to me and I love you so much...I honestly don't know what I would do without you and...I'm sorry I've been away. I was...I was just so nervous about this new step in our life and I...I dont know, I panicked. I'm really sorry." You said, looking at the ground.

Saeran lifted your chin with his hand, and then he helped you stand up, so you'd be straddling him. Then, he leaned his forehead against yours and gave you a small smile.

"I'm sorry too. I know that you've been....so stressed lately. I'm really sorry for being selfish and only thinking about myself. I...I seemed to forget that a relationship is a two way street. And I'm supposed to also spoil you and smother you."

"And you do Saeran...you're...you're the best boyfriend ever. I love you."

"I love you too."

"And... I'll be more honest from now on...about my feelings and I won't try to run away. I'm...I'm going to be someone that also gives everything to you, just like you do to me."

The two of you smiled, and Saeran tangled his fingers in your hair pulling you towards him, kissing you again. This time the kiss was slow and tender, the two of you taking your time. Then, Saeran kissed your cheek, your neck, and made his way down to your chest, unbuttoning your shirt. Every kiss he gave you was his promise to you, to always love you and cherish you.

You helped him take off your shirt and you gripped his hair, gasping as he nipped and sucked, and kissed.

Eventually you stood up and took both of your clothes off, leading him to the shower. You could see he was about to put on the cold water, probably out of habit from doing it for so long, but you grabbed his hand and turned it so the water was warm. He looked at you confused for a second, but then you pulled his face down to kiss him once again.

He pushed you against the wall, and you gasped as he bit your neck and moved his hands to grab your hips.

Eventually the whole place got hot, and you wrapped your arms around Saeran as he slowly inserted himself inside you.

"Are you alright?" He whispered in your ear, and you nodded, making him look at you.

"I love you so much Saeran. I'm all yours, and I will always be. I promise I'll never leave you." Saeran's eyes widened and you gasped as you felt him suddenly move, his lips quickly against yours.

"I....I'm yours too. Forever, and ever, and I promise that I will always love you and stay by your side. I love you, I love you so much.....I love you...."

.......

That night the two of you laid cuddling in your bed, the covers against your bare skin. As you looked at the man sleeping beside you, you couldn't help but smile.

You loved him so much.

Every couple fights, and everyone has both good and bad days, but you wouldn't let that get in the way of your relationship. You had made a promise that day to always be with him, and you swore you would fulfill it.

You kissed him and held him closer to your body, finally letting yourself relax with the person you love the most in the world.

[sneakydraws]

Okay, I’d like to go through this point by point because there’s a lot going on.

“You’re leaving out Akio and his intentions” - If this is about the original essay then, well. To be blunt, I left Akio out of it because it is not about him at all. If I had had the freedom to write however much I wanted, maybe I would have included him in my discussion about Anthy’s characterisation more, but with the strict word limit - which I’ve mentioned repeatedly - I had to stick to the topic on hand very narrowly.

If this is not about the essay, but rather about my reply to your initial comment, then yeah, I didn’t mention Akio’s agenda because, again, that just wasn’t the topic of discussion. You specifically took issue with my idea that Anthy took some amount of pleasure in making herself seem antagonistic to Utena, so I explained why I thought that was the case. If the topic at hand was the ways in which her relationship with Akio influences Anthy’s behaviour, I would have talked about that.

“Personally, it kind of stings to hear people act like Anthy is just ~loving~ showing off how she’s sexually involved with her brother. I personally see Anthy’s witch status as very related to the stigma and trauma of incest, but that entire angle goes unmentioned in your analysis, where witch just means “evil sexy manipulative woman.””

The angle of witch as tied to incest goes unmentioned in my analysis because I have not read enough sources that connect the two together to be able to confidently say there’s a connection. Of course, in RGU incest is a major theme and it influences Anthy’s “witch” status, and in the “I’m your little sister; you could not make me a princess” stage play the two are tied together, but in my essay I talked more about the preconceived notion of “witch” that the audience would bring with them to the show and then connect to Anthy, and less about the notion of “witch” created by the show itself. If the essay was more generally about the roles of Princess and Witch as portrayed in RGU, then I probably would have contrasted the Witch in RGU - where it is explicitly related to incest - with the Witch as seen in (pop)culture more widely. Again, this is a case where I don’t mention something not because I don’t think it exists, but simply because I did not talk about every single angle the topic could be discussed from. 

“I think Anthy’s possessiveness over Akio is massively overstated and the idea that she’s “showing off” her relationship with him to Utena makes me sick to my stomach.   when I was first watching the show, I definitely thought they were meaning to paint Anthy as possessive over him, but if you pay attention, who actually acts out possessively over their sibling? isn’t it Akio? that’s not to say that Anthy doesn’t have any possessiveness (I have an essay I’ve been working on about that), but I think that even the framing of Anthy as the ultra possessive one is another example of scapegoating--she takes the blame for all the faults of the prince.”

Maybe you’re talking about a general attitude you’ve seen in the fandom, but given that it’s a reply to my analysis specifically, I really don’t appreciate how you seem to be putting words in my mouth. “The framing of Anthy as the ultra possessive one”? When I bring up Anthy’s possessiveness, I immediately downplay it, specifically because I did not want anyone to think I was overemphasising that part of her. You yourself imply that you think Anthy has “some possessiveness”, so I don’t understand why you take my very restrained mention of it as “massively overstating” the case. 

I also resent the wording of “the ultra possessive one”, as if my mentioning her possessiveness carries with it the implication that Akio’s less guilty in this regard. Again, just because I didn’t talk about it doesn’t mean I don’t think it exists.

“As Anthy stares across at Utena, she is in pain. she’s telling her, here I am, I’m a witch, this is the real me--but I don’t see it as Anthy “reveling in portraying herself as a villain.” Anthy according to Enokido and Ikuhara is a “symbol of reality.” so she is showing Utena the reality of Akio, Akio’s relationship to herself, and Akio’s relationship to Utena.”

Yes, Anthy reveals to Utena the reality of her relationship with Akio, with all that implies. There is nothing actually evil about being sexually abused by one’s brother, but within the confines of the unfair princess/witch or madonna/whore dichotomy, it does bring her into the villainous witch/whore role. You know, because those roles are unfair, and condemn actions that aren’t actually wrong. I thought that was a given before, but maybe I should state it clearly.

Also, when I talked about Anthy “almost reveling” in portraying herself as the villain, I wasn’t actually referring to the reveal in ep36 itself, but rather to her behaviour afterwards (the next ep preview, breakfast, post-date scene, etc)

“What about Utena’s role in all of this? in that preview clip where Anthy says she’s always hated Utena, Utena says “I just can’t forgive what you’ve done.” well, is that what happens in episode 37?” 

I don’t really see your point here? Yes, Utena’s words were untrue? 

“Is Utena painting herself as a villain by saying she can’t forgive Anthy?”

No, in fact I think she’s painting herself as the victim. I guess this is a matter of subtle differences in interpretation, but I see the phrases “I can’t forgive what you’ve done” and “I’ve always hated you” as carrying very different emotional implications. The first is technically a neutral statement of one’s feelings, but the tone is accusatory, and I hear in it an implied “what you’ve done to me”. The latter would come across as antagonistic even on its own, but with the added context I do perceive it as Anthy painting herself as the villain. The fact that she’s acted friendly towards Utena until this point comes together with this statement to imply that she’s been lying to Utena, which has obvious connotation to the literary/cultural role of “villain”.

Again, it sounds to me like you misinterpret my words. I don’t think Anthy is “THE villain” in her relationship with Akio, and I don’t think I ever implied that. In fact, neither the original essay nor my initial response were actually about her relationship with Akio, and they didn’t aim to comment on who was the more possessive one, or the abusive one, or the villainous one. If they were about Anthy’s relationship to anyone, it was to Utena. Though really, that wasn’t the main topic either - the topic was the ways Anthy is characterised to the viewer through referencing fictional tropes/archetypes, and the ways in which she behaves towards Utena were part of that because Utena is the audience surrogate for a good chunk of the show. 

You say that you feel as if my reply “flattens” and “waters down” the complexities of Utena and Anthy’s relationship, but it was not meant as an exploration of every single aspect of that relationship, just a very narrow and specific part of it.

Lastly, I hope this post wasn’t actually about me - since, like I said, I never characterised Anthy as “dominant and somehow the abuser” in her and Akio’s relationship. I didn’t write anything like that in either my essay from last year or my response to the first comment. Maybe the post is just about a general experience with the western fandom, the timing of it just makes me a bit suspicious.

[aot-snk-4238]

SNK Meta Part 2: Ymir

In my previous post, I talked about my feelings regarding Historia's character this final arc. Now I'm going to talk about Ymir, her relationship with Historia, and my feelings about her send-off.

Was Ymir a good character?

In my eyes, yes. When she was first introduced, it was clear that she had feelings for Historia, making her one of the only canon queer characters in the series (assuming Historia reciprocated those feelings, which I'm pretty sure she did). She also appeared very snarky and cynical, but us readers came to learn later on that there was a much softer, sensitive side to her deep down that Historia would be the first to witness. These revelations, including her backstory, helped flesh out her character in a way that made her very interesting and mysterious for me. I especially loved how sharp and intuitive she was. I'm going to quote the wiki on this part, because I think it does a great job explaining her impressive observant abilities. "Ymir was extremely perceptive and could discern the nature of the people around her with alarming accuracy, such as Historia's martyrdom mentality, Reiner's split personality disorder, and Sasha Blouse's desire to look good in front of her peers by hiding her native accent and developing an extremely formal way of speaking. Due to her experiences and belief in self-pride, she tended to rudely criticize people for being untrue to themselves. Furthermore, Ymir was very reasonable, as she knew what to do during her kidnapping situation and reconsidered her options to accomplish her goals." I also enjoyed her interactions with other characters besides Historia. Take Connie, for example. When he lamented over the possibility of his mother being stuck as a mindless titan, Ymir tried to distract him, albeit not in the most appropriate way (ch. 38).

Connie complained about this behavior later on, but Historia defended her, explaining that she was only trying to stray his thoughts from that traumatic discovery. There were a few more moments between these two that were fun to see as well.

😂😂😂. Ymir's looking at him like, "You ruined it, Connie..."

I love the way she pats him on the head. Knowing how much taller Connie's gotten I don't think she'd be able to do that anymore.

This becomes one of the many times that Connie calls her "ugly" when she's in her titan form. Too bad she couldn't talk very well as a titan or else she probably would have had a smartass remark to throw back at him. It's looking back on scenes like this where I wish we could have gotten more out of these two. You can tell she cared for Connie and I know he also cared in his own way.

We only saw her together with Eren once when Reiner and Bertholdt captured them, but it was very interesting to see their perceptions of each other.

Eren found Ymir to be mysterious and wasn't sure if he could trust her, which isn't surprising considering this was the only time they ever spoke to each other. One detail that he couldn't miss, however, was Ymir's undying determination to protect Historia, a goal they would both come to share later on. Meanwhile, Ymir couldn't trust Eren because she found him to be too reckless and hot-headed.

These were my favorite qualities from Ymir, although to this day I still question the rationality of leaving Historia behind considering the situation she's currently in. Historia herself called her an idiot after reading her goodbye letter. Now that I've covered my reasons for liking Ymir as a character, let's move on to her relationship with Historia.

Ymir and Historia

I've loved these two together since the beginning for their complex and amusing dynamic. On the surface, you had the selfish, confrontational tomboy and the girly, kind and beautiful goddess. But underneath were two young women who were dealt a dirty hand early in their life and lead empty lives as a result until they found each other. Their story arcs throughout the Clash of the Titans arc were beautiful and complimentary, and it's part of the reason why it's actually my favorite story arc in the series. Everything from Ymir seeing through Historia's charade and urging her to live her life with pride to Historia telling Ymir her real name and the two of them fighting side by side in chapter 49 was some of the most empowering moments for me and I will forever cherish those parts of the story.

Ymir's departure

And now the part I've been most excited to talk about! Ymir's glorious, memorable and emotional departure.

Her ending...was not what I expected it to be. She left Historia at the very last second and gave herself away to the enemy because she felt guilty for something that was not her fault. Now as we know, Ymir is selfless at heart and she felt indebted to Reiner and Bertholdt for inadvertently helping her return to her human form after 60 years of wandering the earth as a mindless titan. She also decided that Historia might be safe after all after learning that Eren possessed the coordinate. I understand all of that, but what I don't understand is...well...everything else.

This was Ymir's last real appearance. We see that Ymir has willingly chosen to accompany Reiner and Bertholdt back to Marley to give up her titan powers at the cost of her life. Many people weren't so sure if that was truly the last of her though, because her death was not explicitly confirmed for a long time. We spend the next 33 chapters hoping to get something more, and then this happens...

A glimmer of hope. Finally there's a real chance we'll hear from her again, and it's got a lot of people buzzing with excitement. Sure enough, we finally get to see what's in that letter a few chapters later and are given Ymir's backstory. Here's where the disappointing part comes, though. Ymir makes it clear at the beginning of her letter that she will be dead by the time Historia receives it, meaning that this is the only goodbye they're gonna get. The last time they saw each other, Ymir wasn't even in human form. Instead of a proper goodbye, all we get is a short letter. The anime even tried to fix this by giving us Ymir's backstory earlier, but by doing that, her letter was cut short by a lot. All that was really left was, "Hi babe, sorry I left you like that. Oh well, I'm about to die anyway. Sorry we couldn't get married." And then this happened:

Historia touches Ymir's letter and is suddenly bombarded with visions of Ymir's past, including her chained up and about to be eaten. That is definitely not what happened in the manga and its honestly very confusing to me. How was she able to see all of that just by touching the letter? I get that she has royal blood and was able to access memories when she touched Eren, but Eren is a human who just so happens to possess the founding titan. The letter is just a piece of paper. Also, I'm guessing the last thing Historia saw was Ymir chained up so that there will be no need to bring her up again like Reiner and Porco did in chapter 93. I don't blame the anime team for making that change because I'll be honest, when we saw that one panel of her in her death chamber it felt very out of nowhere and I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter after that. So here are my main problems with her death:

1. It was off-screen

If I recall correctly, Ymir is the only major character in the series whose death was off-screen. All we got were her final moments, and there wasn't even any dialogue. That part especially bothered me because you can see that Ymir and Porco are looking at each other and Ymir's mouth is slightly open, implying that she's speaking. But what was she saying? You seriously don't mean to tell me that they both just sat there and stared at each other the whole time. She must have had some last words, but for some reason we never got to know what they were. At one point I even thought that Historia and Porco might cross paths at some point and he would be able to give her closure that way but no. No closure, just a last minute goodbye letter and a glimpse of her final moments that I now consider completely useless and unnecessary because we never got more out of it. I mean really, we even got closure and an on-screen death for Marco for crying out loud. Why give him that kind of attention and not Ymir? Not to mention one of the more recent guidebooks. Her character has the diceased sticker and it talks about how she went back to Marley with Reiner and Bert, but that's it. Not even the guidebook makes it clear what happened next. Yeah she died, but did anything else happen before then? That's what I wish we could have gotten more details on like, I don't know....her final words???

2. It was anticlimactic

We didn't get enough focus on Ymir's point of view after leaving Paradis in order for her death to have any kind of lasting emotional impact. As I mentioned above, it just felt out of place and messy. There was nothing memorable about her death either. It was quite simple and boring.

3. It contributed to an ongoing literary issue that has anti-LGBTQ roots

Yep. I'm talking about the infamous Bury Your Gays trope. Now before I go any further, I am not accusing Isayama of being anti-LGBTQ, I'm just shedding some light on something that's been continuously repeated in countless forms of media, not just anime and manga. Truthfully, I hadn't heard about this trope before reading Attack on Titan, but when I did hear about it, it only made Ymir's death even worse for me. I'm not surprised that it exists and I realize that this is a manga where death is inevitable, but keeping both women alive in the end would have certainly been very refreshing. At this point, all I could ask for is that Ymir and Historia get to see each other one last time. Obviously since Ymir is dead it will have to be through other means and I don't care how it's done. It can be in a dream, a vision or through Paths (which I think would work best). Seriously, there's nothing I've been more curious about than how Ymir would react to Hisu's current predicament and what she would say to her. It would just be great for them to have one last conversation face to face because for me, the letter just wasn't enough. Of course I'm hoping for too much, though. We've only got 1-2% of the story remaining, leaving no room for further closure. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no story is perfect. I'm grateful for the content that we did get, but I hope one day I can find a story like this one where the queer characters get to live for once. I'm aware of other shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time and Yuri on Ice that give them good endings, but those shows are much friendlier towards younger audiences and aren't nearly as dark and grim.

Conclusion

Ymir was a very intriguing character while we had her, but her death was unsatisfactory and only left us with more questions. I am not going to trash Isayama for it, but I will leave this critique here so I can unload all my thoughts for others to read if they wish, or possibly share their own thoughts. We are coming close to the end of the manga, so now would be a great time to reflect on what we read and enjoy what's left of it.

[scotianostra]

On October 15th 1586 the trial began of Mary Queen of Scots at Fotheringhay Castle.

Settle down, this is a wee bit longer than my normal posts,  some state it started on 14th, but it concluded on the 15th, so here we are.

You might remember my post a month ago when Mary arrived at her last "prison", the place where she would ultimately spend her last days and meet her end.

If the history books are to be believed. Mary Stuart first sighted the ancient castle towers from a path called since the "days of the Domesday Book", Perryho Lane, on hearing the name Perryho,  she is said to have made a melancholy little play on the name exclaiming aloud, ‘Perio! I perish.’ and indeed she did.

Mary was always a threat to the English Queen Elizabeth’s rule. Seen by Catholics as the true catholic ruler of England, there was many a plot to bump off Elizabeth and put Mary on the throne.

For almost 20 years Mary was dragged around England and locked up in its various castles. Having said that she was allowed certain freedoms including rides in the countryside and hunting trips, Fotheringhay was different.

Despite the size of the castle  Mary found herself incarcerated in comparatively mean apartments: this brought back all her phobia of a secret killing, the sort of barbarous death that stained the history of English medieval castles. The most notorious being one Edward II son of Longshanks, "Hammer of the Scots" who some say was murdered at Berkeley Castle, Gloucestershire by being held down and having a red-hot poker inserted inside his anus, and his screams could be heard miles away. although most historians do question whether it is true or not, the fact is he was murdered.

When Mary's servants reported that many of the state rooms had been left empty, Mary drew the correct conclusion that she was about to be tried, and the rooms were awaiting the arrival of dignitaries from London. Just after two weeks later on, October 1st she was informed by her keeper, Sir Amias Paulet that her misdeeds were now to be punished by the interrogation of certain lords, and advised her in her own interests to beg pardon and confess her faults.

Mary's reply was that Paulet  was behaving like a grownup with a small child, asking her to own up to what she had done. Then she went on more seriously: ‘As a sinner, I am truly conscious of having often offended my Creator, and I beg Him to forgive me, but as Queen and Sovereign, I am aware of no fault or offence for which I have to render account to anyone here below. …’ And she concluded loftily: ‘As therefore I could not offend, I do not wish for pardon; I do not seek, nor would I accept it from anyone living.’ For those who know anything about the Stewart monarchs this relates again to the Divine Right to rule, and they would only answer to God.

The charges against Mary were to do with a conspiracy to kill Elizabeth and replace her with Mary, her fellow conspirators included among others, John Ballard, a Jesuit priest, Weshman Thomas Morgan, a close confident of Mary's, and Anthony Babington, a Catholic noble who is said was the ring leader, the plot has gone down in history bearing his name The Babington Plot.

Whilst locked away, Mary advised the plotters, both in terms of strategy and how to ensure she’d win the English throne. And naturally as the ‘rightful’ ruler of England Mary would be the one to sign off on the plot starting. he plot took shape during the summer in 1586.

Babington informed Mary that he represented a group who planned to kill Elizabeth and install Mary as the new Queen of England. Babington asked for her support of their plan. Mary responded, asking for more details.

Unfortunately for Mary, the plot had been infiltrated and Elizabeth I’s own spy master, Sir Francis Walsingham had been using the letters to entrap Mary and get her to call for Elizabeth’s murder. 

Mary agreed with the plans, but did not authorized the assassination. That did not matter however, because Walsingham's spies intercepted the letter. The letter was deciphered and copied but this time a postscript was added. According to the new letter, Mary authorized the assassination. Walsingham had his proof, and so with this false evidence Mary was indicted.

Before the trial even started Ballard, the Catholic priest, was arrested and tortured. It is said that by the time he arrived at his execution site, John Ballards limbs were barely in their sockets, as a result of the torture he’d undergone, of course during his torture he gave up the names of others involved, the main man being Babington, in September the men were executed one after the other and forced to watch as they, in turn were hung drawn and quartered, the same age old punishment for treason. 

After the gruesome bloodbath attention turned to Mary.

Now I'm not saying Elizabeth was faultless in all this but she wasn't keen on trying her Mary, not just because they were cousins, it would set a precedent trying and ultimately executing someone still seen as most of Europe as the rightful Queen of Scotland. Her hand was being forced by her advisors like Walsingham, indeed they had their eye on disposing of the troublesome Mary for some time forcing through an act of Parliament the year before called The Act of Association: this provided means whereby a commission of twenty-four peers and privy councillors might be appointed to investigate any conspiracy or attempt to hurt Elizabeth ‘by any person or with the privity of any person that shall or may pretend to the title to the Crown of this realm’. 

The punishments for anyone found guilty under this act were to be two-fold: firstly they were to be deprived of their title to the English crown forever, and secondly they could be lawfully put to death under the provisions of the Act. It had been quite clear at the time that this Act had been especially framed in order get rid of our Queen, it was tailor made for her. 

The records of Mary's trial were compiled by the notes of those present, who included two persons designated as writers. It would have been nearly impossible to write by hand every word uttered in the courtroom. Some say Mary spoke very broken English due to her time spent in France., I myself find this hard to believe, yes she had been educated in France, but the Four Mary's would have made sure the young Queen could speak the Scot's tongue, at very least.

Mary's defence was set out mainly that, she wasn’t an English subject and therefore couldn’t be held as an English traitor. She’d been denied legal counsel or the right to view evidence being bought against her. Oh and the age old she was a Queen. Anointed by God. It would literally be a sin to kill her.

Therefore, how accurately were the writers able to record her statements? Whose spoken words were left undocumented? Which statements in particular? Did the two journalists favour Mary or Elizabeth, and if so, did they allow this to influence their notes of the trial? A completely accurate record of the trial is unattainable due to the faultiness of its records, some historians just filled in the blanks to suit themselves, depending on their own leanings.

When the trial concluded, Parliament gave speeches and had open discussion about Mary's sentencing. They also held audiences with Elizabeth. During the audiences held between Parliament and Elizabeth, Elizabeth gave two speeches. In her first speech, she declared that if it were not for "the safe and welfare of my whole people, I would (I protest unfeignedly) most willingly pardon her."   Elizabeth asserted that Mary was bound to the English laws but reaffirmed that the late act "was no ways prejudice to her." Rather, Elizabeth explained that the law was in place to warn her, but since Mary still acted against the Queen and the law "was in force," there was no reason not to "proceed against her according to the same.' But, if the laws almost explicitly name Mary, then why did Elizabeth feel the need to restate that they were not prejudiced against her? Now I know I deflected some of the blame away from Elizabeth earlier but It seems that this was just another way for Elizabeth to maintain her image of innocence. 

Furthermore, Elizabeth explained that because of "this last Act of Parliament" she must "order for her [Mary's] death" The Councillors' plan to somehow remove Mary as a threat had worked. Elizabeth felt her hands were tied in the matter due to the Acts of Parliament, which the Councillors had drafted with specific language aimed toward Mary. 

Eventually, Mary's sentence was issued and proclaimed in the English countryside and towns. Immediately following the proclamation, Walsingham drafted the warrant for Mary's execution. The speed at which these documents were drafted  show that Elizabeth's Councillors were adamant about having Mary executed.

In late December of 1586, Elizabeth had the papers for the execution drawn up. On February 1st, 1587, she signed Mary's death warrant. 

I wont go into the execution as I normally post all the details on the anniversary of her death, February 8th 1587, I will however add a few more lines regarding King James VI and letters between Elizabeth and him.

Around the same time Elizabeth signed the warrant, she sent a letter to James, who had earlier requested that his mother be sent into the neutral custody of a foreign prince. 

In her response, Elizabeth asked if James thought her "so mad to trust my own life in another's hand and send it out of my own?

She also refers to the "absurdity of such an offer. In this letter, Elizabeth placed the focus on James's offer rather than on the circumstances surrounding Mary at the present time, basically awaiting her fate. She did not say she was unwilling to give Mary to a neutral prince because she was either considering signing the execution warrant or had already done so. 

Elizabeth withheld from James any more of a response than was necessary. It seemed that she intentional1y focused this letter's content on James's request to divert attention from her intention to sign Mary's death warrant. 

After Mary's execution, Elizabeth wrote another letter to James. Elizabeth referred to Mary's execution as a "miserable accident which (far contrary to my meaning) hath befallen"  

Elizabeth claimed innocence in calling for Mary's execution, but what she wrote next left a sense of doubt as to her innocence in the matter. She told James that she had "now sent this kinsman of mine ... to instruct you truly of that which is too irksome for my pen to tell you.'d While one may infer that Elizabeth sent a kinsman to explain the actual happenings of Mary's execution you  have to wonder if that was truly the case. Could Elizabeth have sent this "kinsman" to explain what she would not want left documented on paper? Elizabeth would have known to not leave a self-incriminating paper trail regarding her true role in Mary's execution. Thus, she sent a "kinsman" to explain the actual circumstances relating to Mary's execution. 

The truth behind what this kinsman actually told to James will forever stay a mystery because these words were just spoken in a private audience and not documented in a letter, just like Elizabeth wanted. The final question remains: was it the work of the Councillors that called for the execution of Mary, Queen of Scots, or did Elizabeth I play  more active role than she wished to admit? 

I myself believe the Councillors did not need to have their arms twisted to call for Mary's execution. They perceived Mary as a threat and made it their top priority to remove her Queen Elizabeth's full part in the murky affair will always be up for debate. 

As ever I have used a lot of different sources when compiling this, if you want more on the trial check the article below out, remember though every source is different so not all that is written here will relate entirely to my post, it is however a more in depth analysis of the trial. 

https://erenow.net/biographies/maryqueenofscotsantoniafraser/27.php Pics are a depiction of the trial and part of the Babington letters held by the English National Archives, more on that here https://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/spies/ciphers/mary/ma2.htm