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angeltrapz · 8 months

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is my dad capable of leaving me alone

#the answer is no apparently :)#im so fucking tired. at the point where i fucking hope they get a divorce #i cant stand to see such a miserable look on my moms face night after night #or my sister crying because hes talking shit abt her interests since he doesnt find them personally interesting #or to see my grandma feel like she has to stay in her bedroom to remain sane #or for ME to feel like im a fucking burden by existing #its worse than its ever been before #connor.vtxt #i just hope it will get better eventually. in whatever way it has to happen #im so tired of feeling like shit every day of my life its getting unbearable #gonna either play minecraft or write some more bc fuck. i gotta do smth #it really does feel like he doesnt consider me a person worth respecting sometimes and im so tired of it #i mean he repeatedly has been triggering me on purpose for months so #someone please tell me its going to get better. thats all i want

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haunted-xander · 8 months

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Sometimes I think about Urianger's role in and feelings on the Thancred-Ryne dynamic and I think watching it kills him a bit inside. For several reasons.

Like, to begin with there's the guilt he's been carrying with him since he ushered Minfilia to the first, how he effectively killed the person Thancred cared about the most in the world and who's "death" ended up causing Ryne's entire Situation. He looks at what's happening between them and can only think "I caused this" even though that's not really true. No one person is responsible for this outcome, it's a culmination of several circumstances and the consequences of them. Logically, Urianger knows this. But it doesn't matter, because his guilt is overpowering his logic.

And also, like. What Thancred is doing here, the way he's knowingly letting Ryne be and stay hurt because he literally cannot bring himself to tell her his feelings, is the exact same mistake Urianger made with Moenbryda. Of course, the circumstances are vastly different, and the potential consequences to Thancred telling Ryne the wrong things or her misinterperating it is far greater (being a matter of literal life or death), it's still the same sort of paralysis they are trapped in.

And he knows it. He sees it. But he can't say or do anything about it, he doesn't have the right to. He acknowledges the mistake, but he hasn't really improved upon it yet. He still doesn't voice his thoughts and feelings as he should. He's also non-confrontational by nature, he doesn't argue or try to change peoples minds, he probably doesn't think he has any place to.

So, he tries to help in what little ways he can. Because he doesn't want it to become Monebryda again, he doesn't want to know he stole not one but two people from Thancred. So he does what he can. He tells Ryne little tidbits about Thancred, things that help her understand him but are safe to share. Nothing too deep, nothing too personal. Just small things, things that are purely factual, because he can't afford to give her a false image of who Thancred is. He teacher her fun and interesting things, because Thancred isn't in the mindset to provide her with non-essential skills.

I like to think Urianger has brought it up with Thancred at least once, during one of his stays. But nothing would've come of it. Not really. Unlike Y'shtola, Urianger isn't pushy, he'll bring it up once or twice and when he sees this won't go anywhere, he gives up. He wants to help, but he knows that persistance only does do much, and he is not the person who has the resiliance needed to push and push until Thancred finally budges (because he won't budge, it won't help anything but to sour things further by adding aditional stress to an already strained dynamic).

And like. Urianger gets it. He gets it because he's been the same way- not saying what he should to someone he loves more than anything else because she was meant to figure her life out herself, and 'steering' her in any direction by telling her his feelings (regardless of if the 'steering' is intention or not) will go against that. He gets it. He gets it and it's all the more painful for it. He knows it can't just be fixed by acknowledging it or with encouragement, something needs to happen to break the stasis.

I think this is probably why he stayed behind while they went off to Nabaath Areng. This is the very last chance they have to say what they want to, and he can't afford to be the anchor anymore. This is about them, not him, he can't let their resolution be buffed by his presence, so he stays behind. Which was probably for the best. Ryne got nervous when Urianger said he's staying behind, probably not too excited about being alone with Thancred (well, not alone, but WoL doesn't count) so soon after she had ran away crying. But she needs to be nervous. For anything positive to come out of this Thancred and Ryne both can't afford to be too relaxed. As sad as it is, the stress is necessary for anything to happen. He knows it. Does he like it? Absolutely not, but nor does he like his other plots. At least no one dies this time if it goes right.

#urianger had an integral part in the thancred-ryne situation and i think its very important to remember that #like i think he served as a very important buffer that prevented the dynamic from becoming even more strained than it already was #but also like. ryne NEEDED to have at least someone she can be comfortable around without the stress of her circumstances souring it #urianger is uniquely suited to play that role. even with his guilt regarding minfilia he never showed anything but genuine kindness for her #it helps that she didnt know about his hand in the situation existing to begin with (as shes surprised when he tells her in ahm areang)#THATS ALSO IMPORTANT BTW. like this man had a DIRECT hand in making this happen (even if it isnt fully his fault. minfilia made her choice)#AND LIKE. the parallels between uri-moen and thancred-ryne. they both love these girls so so much but cant bring themselves to say anything #urianger has been through the pain before. he knows. but he hasnt improved much himself. what right does he have to scold thancred?#silent support is all he can give. pushing thancred would make him a hypocrite and risk making it worse. hes not suited for confrontation #y'shtola and uriangers approaches to helping both have their merits but it needs a balance #too much pushing and the dynamic just gets worse but too forgiving and nothing will ever change #and yes i know im just repeating myself but ITS IMPORTANT OK #GOD #urianger augurelt #thancred waters #ryne waters #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #xander rambles #xander being insane about ryne #urianger actually this time but. its related to ryne so. it gets the tag

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mephoj · 1 month

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taco and mephone have fascinating parallels more people could explore if taco haters weren't biased cowards

#meeple.txt #inanimate insanity #ii taco #ii mephone4 #dare i maintag this. watever #like taco haters r obsessed with the idea that taco is ruining herself worse and dragging everyone down with her #when shes literally just doing the challenge mephone created and even changes her intentions on hosting the challenge partway through #bc shes REALIZING how badly everyones been affected by the show just as she was #and she uses the attention she now has and urges them to leave and escape because she doesnt want anyone to end up like her #she believes shes past saving Yes #but thats exactly why shes trying to help the others avoid getting to the extent shes gone #meanwhile even when getting his wrongdoings slapped in his face mephone doubles down bc thats all he knows #thats all he feels safe with. he cant let himself trust and be vulnerable and its ruining his life and all his relationships along with him #it says SO MUCH about both mephones and tacos arcs that MEPAD. the one whos been inseparable to mephone from the Start #is seeing more hope of improvement in TACO than mephone #taco the infamous villain to everyone since s1. since before mepad was ever conscious #if anything mephone is the one ruining himself in denial and hurting others in the process #and im not saying that to vilify mephone either !!!! before you 0 nuance bitches come in #if it wasnt obvious from my entire page i LOVE mephone and i LOVE where theyre taking his character. make that man Worse ❤️#but i feel like so many ppl are just projecting mephones arc onto taco bc they dont wanna admit mephone has Issues

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iamfuckingsorry · 11 days

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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.

Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.

Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...

And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.

Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.

#Murderbot #murderbot diaries #system collapse #Herr's personal tag #Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red #I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling #MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell #ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death #ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly #Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different #And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART #And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary #Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate #And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death #Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings #And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude

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nerdy-hyperfixations · 6 months

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To me, the biggest difference between comic Wallace and Anime Wallace is that Comic Wallace is like a normal guy who (imo) is very obviously still just a 25 year old making stupid decisions and working in shitty jobs and barely getting by, and he just looks more competent when standing next to massive boy-failure Scott (and because hes sassy and carefree). and Anime Wallace is beloved by the universe, so he just gets an acting job for being Wallace, with 5 stunt doubles (that he bargained for with a lawyer Comic Wallace probably could never afford. Seriously, where did he get that money??? Did he seduce a lawyer???????) and a millionaire husband, and lives in a millionaire mansion where he drinks all day and never has to work again. And like good for him, I guess? Slay.

#scott pilgrim #scott pilgrim vs the world #scott pilgrim takes off #wallace wells #been meaning to make this post for awhile #comic wallace is so normal #and then anime Wallace just gets everything ever imaginable #and im not even hating on this #its funny and like yes queen slay #but it also feels so very unusual-#“get a better lawyer baby” WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LAWYER THO????#tell me how Envy. popstar Envy Adams got a WORSE lawyer than Wallace who barely pays rent?????#he signed the contract BEFORE he got any actor money so where did that money come from???#maybe he took a loan out and paid it off with his acting money #thats probably it

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skunkes · 9 months

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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

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deadqueernoldor · 4 months

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Thinking thoughts about those from Cuivienen and how they later treated the Valar, especially after Cuivienen was destroyed.

I imagine a foundation of sorrow and a layer of betrayal and pettiness. They had promised safety. And how did it turn out? Kin of Tata and Tatie their first leaders, slain in Valinor by the Dark Hunter from which the Valar promised protection in Valinor.

And then, the War of Wrath comes and with it the destruction of Cuivienen.

If any of those were re-embodied in Aman, I wonder if they make it a point to always turn their back to Valar and Maiar. I wonder if they only speak in the tongue they had first devised all those millennia ago and spoke in Cuivienen before time and different kindreds changed the tongue, not Sindarin or Quenya from the Great Journey's time or later. I wonder if they sing songs in their ancient tongue, songs about the beauty and unsullied health of Cuivienen every time any of the Ainur are near.

I wonder if the Valar feel any shame when those who they once looked upon in wonder and love gaze back at them with indifference or disgust.

#i am so normal about the elves of cuivienen feeling the betrayal worse than anyone in aman including feanor and co #they PROMISED safety from Morgoth and orcs. they PROMISED beautiful lands without sorrow. they PROMISED all that and down the line #decided Mogoth had played pretend well enough to warrant him probation during which he immediately killed again #returns to the east and sullies what beauty had been left. and then even from afar he manages to hurt those from cuivienen with the WoW #dont get me wrong i think the cuivienen elves knew there had to be war against Morgoth for him to be defeated. but the fact that the valar #decided not to only abandon those of beleriand for over 5 centuries before that AND once the war is won also abandon #those of cuivienen to watch their beloved lands drown without as much a warning must sting.#i want there to be a concious decision of 'you abandoned your promise to us twice why should we ever trust you again even in your own lands'#a 'you promised our people who folowed you safety. you didnt deliver. you promised us freedom from morgoth. you didnt deliver. in fact your #inadequacy and decision to let him loose made everything worse for us in the east. why should we ever listen to anything you say'#and thus a concious effort to shed association with Aman as the Valar govern it. they cant leave. the way is shut. but they can establish #a sticking to their own tongue and traditions without the interference of the Ainur. they've done enough. not enough and yet quite enough.#the avari are welcome should some be reborn.#i never know if i want those of cuivienen to be reborn in aman or fade into unexistence entirely both have merit and sexy hcs #but if any were reborn i think they would get along fairly alright with the exiles. kinslaying exiles? 50/50 depending on repentance #but anyone who does not believe the valar's words and respects their decision to not ever be associated with them is welcomed neutral-warmly #they teach them songs about cuivienen. the sweet waters. beautiful meadows. the birdsong that sounds extra cheerful. fish in abundance #and in turn they get taught songs about beleriand. bewitched forests. victorious battles. wild rivers. frothy shores.#it is seen as an honour to be taught a song about Cuivienen by the people who sat by its shores once. in their language/dialect/whatever #instead of in sindarin or quenya. some millenia into the 4th age tou have a surge of ppl speaking cuivienen dialect #it becomes a clear distinction of who still has fondness left for the valar and who would feel indifferent if they vanished suddenly.#this tag essay has gotten way too long again. sorry besties it will happen again.#tag essay longer than the fucking post???? help #tolkien headcanons

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donttouchtheneednoggle · 25 days

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having a good day is so wild like what do you MEAN I'm not miserable and unmotivated and crushingly apathetic and absolutely exhausted brain fog just want to sleep???

#makes me realise oh. i am not well normally #whoops #i think. i think its side effects from the birth control which im supposed to give three months to stabilise #i do not think it was always this bad #the trouble with me is i cannot ever remember what it was like before #like ive never been good since i was about eleven #but i think this is a higher level of bad for me #worst thing is its still better than it was before #i could not continue having one week of every month be absolutely world consuming depression having to fight so hard to keep myself safe #that was just not continueable #so we tryin #cos yeah its shit and there's been periods where i can barely function #but ive been safe #and its not been all consuming #and its definitely got better so fingers crossed 🤞#the world doesn't hurt today and things are relatively easy #i dont get that very often and it's nice #ANYWAY pity party over lmao #many others have it so much worse #mine

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handsomegentlebutch · 6 months

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My 3 little cousins were baptized today. "Triggered" is kind of a strong word but being in a catholic church again... I'm a little fragile rn ngl.

#butch speaks #it was hard not to shake as i held J over the basin to have the water poured on his head #when he was cleansed of sin. as if a little kid could ever knowly or intentionally offend a so-called loving god #the words came naturally to me #but they meant nothing #i remember when they used to mean something. when i begged gods forgiveness for my sin (being a lesbian) and tried to pray the gay away #i remember how much i wanted to die bc i could never truly embrace the sacred #i STILL deal with the complex of catholic guilt. its a very real thing. its hard to shake #i cant help but wonder if the catholicism ingrained in my brain is why i have a hard time with casual dating n sex #fun fact: there was a point when i was a teen that i got REALLY catholic #i prayed everyday. i talked to my patrin saint (st agnes) every day. i wantsd to become a nun #the thought of marrying a man mad me more sad than feeling like an alien did. so id marry the church as a nun.#not the way to hide being a dyke when ur fam is catholic btw LMAO #the first priest i knew was father joe. i loved that guy. he was so kind. friendly. briming with love.#he was one of my biggest references for what a good person was like #he talked about gods love a lot. how its for everyone. no one is exluded. ever.#he used to look right at me when he said stuff like that. a few other kids too. all of whom grew up to be queer #then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there.#he was kind but not as kind. he talked about hell and sin more. he looked at the same kids father joe did.#but the kindness in his eyes wasnt there.#that wasnt for us.#my family wasnt even THAT catholic #i went to church every sunday i did vacation bible school and catechism classes and youth group #i was an altar servant and in the choir #i even used to speak/understand a little latin #imagine how much worse id have been if my mom could have afforded catholic school lmao #grateful to have grown up poor in that regard #hm. actually... reading my own tags. mayne we were pretty catholic actually.#fucking hell.#i need to have lesbian sex in a church before god and everyone. mayeb that would fix me.

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puhpandas · 1 year

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you know that moment of realization before you get sick where you can feel the back of your throat starting to get sore? that's me with my writing right now

#its like the graph #you start feeling worse about whatever art medium #and the graph that had been steadily going upwards spikes downwards #but it pushes you to improve #and then it spikes upwards #and steadil goes up farther than it ever was before #its like ur bad for a second before improving a noticeable amount #not because ur writing was bad but because u were unhappy with it #and u work to get to a place u ARE happy with #and now ur writing it just better and youve improved a ton #its a good thing but that little time of uncertainty will be annoying #i think thats whats going on but.#maybe i just need to write something other than a oneshot i didnt even plan out and just started out of nowhere LMAO #pandas.txt

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socialc1imb · 5 months

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I love art ! I’m not lying !

#cw heavy vent here #so feel free to ignore ! i have no one else to tell!#So upset because art has been *such* a struggle but I’ve finally started enjoying it again #and i was genuinely loving how my art looks #and then *one* person told me my art has gotten worse and it ‘looks better this way’#and now everything I’ve managed to make seems like a waste and the worst thing ive ever drawn #even though i know its not true and i still love my art so much and i love creating #but the fact stands that now i cant look at my art without telling myself that ive *apparently* only gotten worse #people really stripping the last thing that makes me happy away from me and they dont even realize #the thought of my own hobbies that ive enjoyed my entire life makes me feel worse than before #now what’s left?#but its fine. whatever.#cw vent

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love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward · 8 months

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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

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conanssummerchild · 7 months

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my parents will do absolutely everything for my sister, cater to her every need, and then chastise her for not being able to do things on her own, and they'll ignore my every concern and then chastise me for not asking for help

#ive been asking for help for eight years dickheads #i give up #i know they'll never do anything for me unless it aligns with their own motives #tw sh >#and yeah whatever maybe this is about my dad telling me to my face that the only reason im in therapy now id because i used to cut myself #when i clearly stated i wanted to go for an autism diagnosis #he thinks theres something wrong with me and fuck it hes probably right #because ive never had better odds than i do right now #and im still relapsing #and im too afraid to tell anyone bcs i dont wanna be like the girls i used to know who'd pretend to kill themselves every other week for fun #and the screwed up part is im more afraid of my parents finding out than the fact that im actually relapsing #bcs i was in a terrible place and i wanted to kill myself every day two years ago #but my parents finding out i cut myself was worse than anything i ever went through before #the blame the guilt tripping the endless doctor and therapy appointments #the punishment for daring to be hurt the gaslighting #its been two years and im still not allowed to close my door #if they found out im relapsing i wouldnt be allowed to leave the house until i was 20 #alex says shit #vent

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seaweedstarshine · 4 months

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“It's a... wall? I... I don't understand.” “Of course you don't. You're only human. You can't even see it properly. This... view... it's your mind trying to cope with a visual it doesn't have the capacity to fathom. You want in on the Time War? Well, tough... it's Time-Locked!”

Panel redraw [X] from The Eleventh Doctor Year Two #4, (aka one of the best ever Doctor Who stories).