#i mean he repeatedly has been triggering me on purpose for months so

[angeltrapz]

is my dad capable of leaving me alone

[septembersghost]

I want Austin to win so badly which isn't only bias, he gave EVERYTHING to honoring Elvis and he more than earned it. I really like Brendan but have you read Roxane Gay's op-ed on The Whale?

i knew there was controversy about that, but had not seen anything in-depth, reading her piece (and i have such respect for her) is...distressing. she makes it clear her issue is not with brendon (whom we adore!) nor the objective quality of his performance, but rather with the cruelty she felt in the film itself. here's the link but warning that she is honest and what she discusses could be triggering.

regarding our beloved aus, tbh this now makes me want to share this publicly because it gets to the beating heart of the whole thing: what austin achieved was the result of constant preparation, months and months of research, dedicating a couple of years of his life solely to understanding and embodying someone to his spiritual and cellular level. it's not some paper-thin impersonation - something el has been subjected repeatedly, being turned into a costume or a parody unfairly. he gave body, mind, and soul to the film. (this is also why the banal comments about his voice make me rage, because not only are they patently untrue - have any of those people listened to elvis speak? - but it reduces his craft down into a joke when it is anything but. and austin's sincerity and openness is beautiful.) austin approached him so wholly and so kindly, which was imperative to make it work. i just quote conversations with chelsea all the time, but i sent that to her and she put this so well: "the part of that video that really touched me was that the people who knew him didn't see austin, they saw their friend. and how he dove into WHY elvis had certain physical movements, so they come from an authentic feeling. it is such a blessing to have given that to them, to give elvis back to his family, and then to reintroduce him to the world in a way that they can be proud of. it really was a steeper hill to climb than most acting roles ever are just because of how high the expectations are. and then to meet and exceed them." if this were a fictional story, it would be hard to believe it, but it was elvis' life. austin's tremendous connection there, and speaking about using his fear as a compass and seeing through his eyes - it IS a radical experience, as that video says. it is an incredible gift to have taken this man who's been so misrepresented on one hand and so idolized on the other, and bring the essence of him back to life, return him to the world in a sense, and cause audiences to be changed by the feeling it gives them and the love they find there. i have screenshots saved of tweets and comments from people i don't even know talking about what it means to them, what e means to them, because it touches me so deeply. is that not the whole point of taking such a journey? to find something so humanistic and so transformative? to reveal some profound sense of connection and love? there's so much i want to write and say about the film and i've just kept a lot of it to myself or said it to close friends, but what i kept thinking about today is when the switch flips at the end, and we're suddenly with elvis, not merely his image, but the plea and voice and words and heart of him, saying i need your love, i'll be comin' home, wait for me, every dream i've ever had has come true a hundred times, i keep singing a song...and how everything that went before is this love letter to him, infused with the passion and purpose of who he was, and how breathlessly they pulled that off. this project couldn't have existed without austin, and nothing can convince me that somehow elvis' spirit wasn't guiding him to that, not only for him, but for everyone who has been affected by it and will carry that with them. he deserves every award and every bit of praise he's been given, but it also has more lasting meaning than that. no matter what happens, we are going to remember that, we are going to take it with us. and that's what makes a performance live on, and a story, and a person. out there in the dark, there's a beckoning candle. we're keepers of that light.

[queen-haq]

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 16

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 16

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Rating: R for language and smut.

Words: ~3100 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Part 10   Part 11   Part 12   Part 13   Part 14  Part 15

gif credit: @benbarnxs

Part 16

You were straddling Billy, riding him, your hips undulating atop his body. His fingers tightly gripped your waist, getting ready to take charge so you were underneath him, but you refused to submit. Instead you grabbed his hands and pinned it above his head. As you hovered above him, he arched up to kiss you but you shifted back, instead staring down at him intently. He growled at you before he rolled over unexpectedly, taking you along with him.

As he thrust into you, harder and rougher each time, you began to slide off the bed. In your new position, you caught sight of Adam on the floor. His corpse was wrapped up in a rug, only his head sticking out-

“Hey.” Billy pulled you up so you were now sitting across his lap, facing him. “Look at me. Only me.”

Only a few seconds ago he was biting you as you clawed at him, both of you desperate to possess each other. Your movements had been savage, animalistic even, but now Billy was kissing you languidly, his hand brushing the back of your hair while the other settled on the small of your back. You were directing the rhythm of the thrusts now, setting a slower pace so you could fully enjoy the feel of his cock stretching your insides oh-so-tantalizingly. Your forehead braced against his, you closed your eyes and lost yourself to the flood of emotions that overcame you.

***

It was after midnight. Billy had come home with you and both of you were in bed, you nestled against him while he spooned you from behind. Even though you were tired, you couldn’t sleep. Your brain was working overtime processing everything that happened in the last few hours. He stirred next to you, dropping a tender kiss on your bare shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured. You may have been fully alert but he sounded absolutely exhausted.

“Are you sure they’ll be thorough with the cleaning?”

“Yeah.” Throwing his arm over you, he covered your hand with his. “These guys are not amateurs. They know what they’re doing. There won’t be any traces of us left in that room.”

“And Adam’s body-”

“Will be disposed of.”

“But how do you know you can trust these guys? What’s stopping them from blackmailing-”

“’cause money talks, babe. That crew is very well paid.” He squeezed your palm. “I’ve used them in the past. No trouble yet.”

With his military career you were already aware of his violent past, but you also sensed he had a long hit list aside from that. When he’d realized your plans for Adam, he hadn’t been remotely shocked at the idea of you killing another person. In fact, as you stabbed Adam repeatedly, Billy had looked at you with such pride and reverence that it had left you breathless.

“What we did tonight, you know what that means, don’t you?”

His voice brought you out of your reverie. You exhaled a deep breath, drawing circles on his palm. “That we’re bad people.”

“No, we’re survivors. We take down anyone who gets in our way.”

“He didn’t come after you,” you reminded him. “You didn’t have to get involved.”

He turned you around to face him. “Nobody threatens you and gets to live after that.”

Your heart pounded in your chest. When he looked at you with such intensity, you were almost ready to believe anything.

He cradled your face, his thumb caressing your bottom lip. “We’re connected now. Forever. Because of tonight.”

You didn’t understand how his words could evoke such conflicting emotions within you. On one hand your stomach fluttered with excitement, he was saying things you’d wanted to hear for a long time, but then there was the fear. Doubt. Uncertainty. You forced a smile, hoping some levity would lighten the situation. “You make it sound like we’re married or something.”

Disgust flooded over his face. “Fuck, no. Marriages end. One day you’re bragging about being in love, next it’s all over. It’s not based on anything real. But we are.” He reached for your hand, which was resting on the pillow between you and him, and intertwined his fingers through yours. “I saw you tonight, the real you. And you saw me. No pretenses, no boundaries. And you didn’t run. You didn’t even flinch.”

“Neither did you.” You lifted your eyebrow. “You were rock hard.”

“I always am around you.”

His words made the heat rise in your cheeks, which he noticed right away. Giving you a teasing smile, he leaned in closer to give you a peck on the cheek. “Are you blushing?”

“Shut up.”

Billy’s eyes remained locked on you, simply staring at you with sleepy eyes. “I don’t like who I was when I thought I lost you. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t work. Every time I closed my eyes I imagined you fucking this other guy, kissing him. Even the thought of you talking to him made me want to burn it all down.”

Your heart ached at how tired he looked. Scooting closer, you started massaging his forehead. When he closed his eyes, you dropped a gentle kiss on each of his eyelids, the beauty mark just below his right eye, before snuggling him tightly in your arms. “Sleep, Billy.”

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” he murmured drowsily.

You smiled. “It is my apartment.”

He didn’t respond, already fast asleep. You tried to do the same but couldn’t; there were too many thoughts running around in your brain. You had assumed you’d feel guilty about taking a life; you didn’t. You remembered the vicious, contemptuous anger in Adam’s eyes when he’d held you at gunpoint, and how he’d threatened to kill others in your team, and all you felt was relief. Relief that he was dead and no longer a danger to you.

Billy stirred next to you, drawing your attention. You reached out to hold him, your touch feather-light so as not to wake him up. He looked calm and peaceful, unlike the haunted and distraught way he appeared earlier in the hotel room. It was still hard to digest that he’d been so unhinged at the thought of losing you. But the thing that resonated with you the most was that he hadn’t been able to hurt you despite all of the anger he’d felt. Growing up the way you had, you were always on alert for things to turn violent at any moment. One wrong comment or an innocent gesture - hell even a lone pair of sock on the floor - had the potential to trigger your father’s temper and turn things violent. During those moments his rage was uncontrollable, and as a result you always worried about how people reacted when they were furious. The fact that Billy hadn’t hit you even though he’d been completely enraged made you realize you were physically safe with him.

Maybe emotionally as well. For so long you’d had difficulty believing he could reciprocate your feelings yet you couldn’t ignore how devastated he’d been. Nor could you rationalize away his emotions. It still felt surreal but he did truly care about you, and the thought filled you with warmth and made your heart soar with happiness.

You brushed your lips against his, hoping Billy’s comforting presence next to you would help you relax. However, fifteen minutes later sleep still alluded you. Eventually you decided to do something useful and work instead. Carefully sliding out of bed so you didn’t disturb him, you tip-toed out of the bedroom. Immediately you felt the soreness in your body, an after effect of the rough sex you had with Billy in the hotel room earlier. Grabbing a nearby throw, you were soon nestled in your favourite spot on the chaise lounge, working away on your laptop.

An hour later you heard footsteps behind you and you turned around to find Billy yawning, clad in boxers, his hair all ruffled.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” he grumbled.

You scooted over to give him space to sit on the chaise but he seemed to have other ideas in mind as he took a seat behind you. You found yourself settled between his legs, your back nestled against his chest, as he caressed down the length of your arms.

“I couldn’t sleep. Figured I might as well do something useful.”

“What corporate shit are you working on?” he teased, playfully grabbing your laptop to look at your screen. You smacked his arm right away, shutting the screen and pushing the laptop away.

Billy purposely rubbed his face against the base of your neck and you started giggling at the sensation of his prickly beard on your bare skin. “Stop,” you whined. “It tickles.” you squealed loudly, trying to jump out of his arms but he held you in a tight grip.

Finally he stopped, and as you struggled to catch your breath, you slapped his arm playfully. “You’re such a jerk.”

He chuckled, hugging you tightly from behind. “That’s for ignoring all my calls since Tuesday.”

“I’m still not unblocking your number,” you retorted. His beard scraped along your shoulder, making you squeal again. “Okay, fine. Sorry!”

“Swear that you’re not gonna block me again.”

You turned around in his arms, resting on your knees as your arms looped around his neck. Smiling down at him, you nuzzled your nose with his. “Swear that you won’t act like an asshole again.”

“Can’t really do that.”

“Exactly.” He tucked your hair behind your ear. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach at the tender affection on his face, the warmth of his gaze spreading slow, languid heat throughout your body. “You should go back to bed. You still look tired.”

“I’ve had a rough week.”

You pouted your lips. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Want to make it up to me?” he asked, cocking his eyebrow at you.

”How? By sucking you off?” you teased, running your fingers through his hair.

“Move in with me.”

Your hands stilled on him, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden. At first you thought he was joking but the solemn expression on his face made you realize otherwise. You moved away, putting much needed distance between the two of you.

“That’s not funny, Billy.”

Maintaining a rigid posture on the chaise lounge, he shrugged his shoulders. “Not meant to be. I’m dead serious.”

“You know that’s ridiculous, right?”

“Why? ‘cause I wanna keep you safe?”

“The threat is gone. I took care of it.”

“We took care of it,” he said pointedly. “A threat which you didn’t even tell me about.”

“I explained that to you already.” Feeling defensive, you started pacing the floor. “You promised you’d have your guy stop tailing me.”

“Sure. As soon as I know you’re not gonna keep things from me again. You moving in will help with that.”

“So if I don’t move in, you’ll have me followed 24/7?” Anger surged through you, you were so furious you wanted to scream. “That’s fucking blackmail.”

“Relax. No need to be so dramatic about it.”

You grabbed the closest cushion you had and flung it at him, enraged by his patronising tone. “We barely know each other-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he interjected, finally moving to stand up. His eyes were pitch black, his jaw clenched. “You and I killed someone tonight! You took my hand, my knife, and we stabbed the bastard in the heart with it, together. We fucked while he drew his last breath and now you’re feeding me this bullshit?” He stormed towards you. “No! I’ve seen your darkness and you’ve seen mine. There’s no one else in this world that knows us better than we know each other.”

You shook your head, flabbergasted by his reaction. “This is insane. I can’t move in with you. We haven’t even gone out on a real date because you said I was boring!”

“If you believe that then you really are a fucking idiot!”

You stiffened, his words ringing in your ear. Fucking idiot. Something your father used to call you repeatedly, his tone full of hate and vitriol when he lashed out at you. It started with a fucking idiot then spiralled into bitch and whore and everything else hurtful under the sun. You swore to yourself you’d never accept being spoken to like that by another person yet here you were, being insulted again by someone who was supposed to care about you.

You retreated back from Billy, careful to keep your distance from him, and leveled him with a cold glance. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.” 

Your voice may have been deceptively calm but there was a storm brewing inside you. You desperately needed some space. As you moved away from Billy and headed to the kitchen, he tried to block your path but you immediately pushed him away. “Don’t touch me!”

You quickly sidestepped past him and entered the kitchen, heading for the cabinet where you kept your bottle of whiskey. Pouring yourself a glass, you slowly sipped the liquid to soothe your frayed nerves and forget the memories Billy had just unleashed in you.

***

Even as the words left his mouth, Billy knew he’d made a mistake. He regretted what he said instantly, even more so when he realized how much the words had stung you. The last thing he wanted was to cause you pain but he couldn’t seem to help himself. The more he tried to hold on to you the more you slipped through his fingers.

After giving you a few minutes to calm down, he entered the kitchen behind you. You were standing in the opposite corner, drinking the hard stuff, which further signalled how shaken you were. Billy knew Scotch wasn’t something you enjoyed, you only drank it when you were messed up.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I shouldn’t have said that. It won’t happen again. I swear.”

You didn’t acknowledge him, and it hurt like hell.

“When I think about you pulling away from me, it makes me lose my mind.” He swallowed audibly, desperately trying to get through to you. “I’m all in when it comes to us but it feels like you always have one foot out the door.” He took hesitant steps towards you while your eyes still remained on the countertop, refusing to meet his gaze. “I keep fucking up but I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just can’t lose you, Y/N.”

“I’m not built like you, Billy,” you finally spoke, turning to look at him. “I have doubts. I’m constantly dealing with insecurities. It takes me time to trust people, and I just can’t rush into things head-on.”

“And I’m someone who hustles. I go after everything I want with guns blazing. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have Anvil.”

“But I’m not a thing, Billy. I’m a person, and you can’t push me into doing stuff I’m not ready for.”

He exhaled a resigned sigh. “I know. It’s ‘cause I get paranoid when it comes to you. You’re a closed book and you never tell me anything.” His eyes scanned yours, his stomach clenched with anxiety. “I don’t even know how you feel about me.” It was the first time he’d voiced that thought, something he didn’t even realize he felt until this very moment. You wanted him, that he knew, and you’d even confessed you loved him once but he didn’t really believe in that bullshit. What mattered to him was if you needed him as much as he did you. The idea of not having you in his life drove him insane, but did you feel the same way? He didn’t think so and it bothered the fuck out of him.

You set your glass down on the counter before reaching out to cradle his face, your soulful eyes meeting his emotional gaze. “I want to be with you, Billy. I like you so much that it scares me.”

Your words brought with them a tidal wave of relief that swept over him like a calm breeze. It was like he could breathe again. He pulled you close, his forehead against yours as he simply held you. “Don’t be scared, babe. I don’t bite.”

“That is a complete fucking lie,” you retorted. “I still have the marks from earlier to prove it.” Your smile faded again as you held his stare. “But I need you to be patient with me. You can’t bully me or get mad if I don’t want to rush into things.”

He nodded his head. “I won’t.”

“I’ve only ever had myself to rely on. And the thought of trusting you? Relying on you? It scares the hell out of me. Because there’s always a voice in my head that’s reminding me I need to go back to being alone when we end things.”

“I need to kill that voice.”

You chuckled, reaching out to loop your arms behind his back. “It shuts up eventually. It did in the hotel room when I saw how fucked up you were without me. That’s when it sunk in you actually do like me.”

“It took you that long to believe it?”

You gave him a sad smile. “Yeah. You did tell me I was boring.”

He groaned right away, regret washing over him. He should never have said those fucking words to you. “You’re not boring. You’re smart. And hot.” He kissed your left cheek. “And sweet. And funny. And mine.” Then the right cheek. “And when you lecture me about cybersecurity, I get so hard.”

“Whatever. You’re the one who wanted to know more about the topic,” you grumbled.

He grinned, giving you a tender peck on the lips. “I can listen to you talk for hours and hours-“

“Shut up.” You pressed your palm over his mouth.

Wrapping his arms around you, he lifted you off the ground and started carrying you back to the bedroom. “Forever actually, if you’re naked.”

“Not once have I lectured you naked.”

He dropped you on the bed. “Yeah, exactly. Time you start.” He jumped into bed, rubbing his beard on your face again as you started squealing.

A few minutes later you were both panting for air, staring up at the ceiling. “Just to make it clear, I’m not moving in,” you huffed through laboured breaths.

He turned to look at you, smirking. “Fine, but I’m taking you out tonight. Proper date and all.”

The most beautiful smile graced your face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You were a ray of sunshine beaming up at him and Billy’s heart felt so full he worried it would explode. If he could, he’d freeze this moment forever.

Part 17

A/N - As always, your wonderful feedback is what keeps me inspired to write and post consistently. I was initially nervous about this chapter because the characters experience a gamut of emotions but it was necessary. I hope you like and enjoy this chapter. Feedback, as always, is very much appreciated and feeds my soul :)

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[hogwartsmarvelmommy]

I’ll be here to fix you

Tom Holland

masterlist

Warnings: OK, this has to do with domestic violence and an abusive relationship. Also just violence, and blackmail (kinda) so *Trigger warning*

For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or  1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

A/N: If you are in an unsafe relationship, please reach out for help, and know it is not your fault.

A/N.2: I really debated posting this, for many reasons, so i’m sorry if this upsets or triggers anyone in anyway..

It was late when his phone began to ring, most times, he wouldn't answer calls this late, but that night something prompted him to answer. Without even a glance at his phone, he answered, bringing it to his ear. 

“Tommy?” your voice was frantic through the phone, almost like you had been running all while crying. “Tommy, are you there?” 

“I'm here love, what's wrong? Where are you?” He sat straight up in bed, the worry for you waking him up completely. 

“I sent you my location, can you just come and get me?” It was odd for you to ask him for anything, while you were best friends, you were always very adamant on being your own person, something Tom respected a whole lot. 

“I'm on my way,” Tom didn't even take any time to get dressed or anything, grabbing his keys and getting to his car in nothing but his grey sweats and old shirt he'd taken from the spider man set that he had been asleep in.

You weren't far from him, a five minute drive and he found you, sitting on a curb with your face buried in your hands. As soon as you heard the car, you glanced up, seeing it was him and practically running to get in. Once you were situated, you turned, giving Tom a light smile and nod, before looking back out the window, but he wasn't blind.

“Y/N-” he started, but you cut him off. 

“Tom, just.. Take me back to your house, we can talk about it there. I don't want to be here anymore,” you sniffled as the tears that had subsided made their way back to your eyes, “Please?” You added, small sobs escaping. 

Tom obliged your request, with no questions asked, and headed straight to his house. As soon as he parked the car, you were out and rushed inside, leaving Tom worried and angry. Angry at whoever left you like that. 

Tom tried to give you time, to cry or  wash up or whatever you were doing locked in his bathroom, but he just found himself pacing back and forth in front of the door. Finally, he couldn't take it, and knocked on the door. “Y/N?” he heard sniffles as he pressed his ear to the door, it broke his heart to hear you like that, you were his happy go lucky y/n, even if you weren't actually his. 

“Am i a terrible person?” you asked through the door. 

“What? No, of course not y/n, you're the best person i know!” Tom exclaimed, he was taken aback by the fact that you could ever even think that you were anything less than perfect, less then the way he saw you. 

“He told me I was selfish, and awful, and I put you above everything else, which makes me a slut,” you said, unlocking the door and opening it. Tom felt his jaw clench, hearing the words coming from your mouth and seeing the bruise that was forming by your eye. You looked terrible, your eyes were bloodshot from tears, your nose raw from blowing it over and over, and your hair was all over the place. 

“He said what?” Tom asked through clenched teeth. He could kill him, he would kill him, especially if he was the one that gave you the bruise. “Did he do this?” Tom reached out to touch your face but you flinched away from his hand, answering his question. He wouldn't let him get away with hurting someone, especially you.

Tom wasn't the most level headed person, some would even describe him as not being able to deal with his anger well, and in this instance he could agree he didn't handle himself as well as he could have.

The metal jail door slid open “Holland, you're free to go,” Tom sat up from where he had been laying on the concrete bench, not sure why he was being released, he was sure with how the events of last night had played out, there was no way he should be let out. 

He followed the guard to the counter where they had a bag full of his personal things, before motioning for him to leave. He walked out of the police station puzzled, until he saw you standing against his car with crossed arms and a worried look on your face. 

“Thomas Stanley Holland,” you said with a stern voice. Your face was back to how it usually looked, making tom figure you had makeup on, to cover the reminder of the night before.

“How did you get me out?” Tom asked you, worried you had gone out of your way to pull of some crazy jailbreak mission.  

“I told him I would not press charges if he wouldn't press charges on you,” you told him. Tom felt his jaw clench again, you were unbelievable sometimes. 

“What Y/N?! I would have been fine!” He exclaimed, making you roll your eyes. 

“I don't really think an assault charge would be good for your career, Tommy,” of course you were right, and avoiding a charge all together was probably best for his career, but that didn't mean he was happy about it, Alex deserved to be punished for what he had done to you, and if that meant Tom went down for defending you then so be it, but he also knew arguing with you over it would get him nowhere.

“Well, i don't like it,” Tom went to grab the keys from your hands, but you quickly pulled your hand away, walking over to the drivers side and opening the door. 

“Y/N, it's my car,” Tom laughed. 

“And? I didn't spend the night in jail,” You shot him a smile before climbing in. You were also impossible at times, but that was part of the reason Tom was in love with you, and had been for quite a while. He wouldn't admit that to you though, he could barely admit it to himself. 

You drove to Tom's house, parking the car in the wrong spot of the driveway, on purpose to irritate him. “Go shower, Tommy you smell gross,” You teased. 

“I was only in there for like six hours!” He argued, shoving your shoulder lightly as you unlocked his front door. 

“Uh huh, whatever you say stinky,” you giggled. 

Tom went to his bathroom to shower away his night as a criminal, but he stopped when he saw your makeup scattered around his counter. He wasn't sure when you had brought it over, you hadn't had anything with you when he picked you up last night, not even your purse. He peeked his head into his bedroom and could see that his bed had been slept in, and you had a small bag of clothes on the floor by his dresser. A smile snuck onto his face, he had always told you that you had a place to go whenever you needed it, but you were so hard headed he was sure you would never actually take him up on that. On a whim, Tom decided to peek into his spare room before getting in the shower, and just like he had expected, there were a few bags and boxes of your personal things that were just waiting to be unpacked. “I should have asked, but I just needed to cut ties, get away from all of that,” You explained from behind him. 

“Y/N, you can stay as long as you'd like, i'm just glad you are here,” Tom told you, pulling you against his chest.

“Me to Tommy,” You sighed into his chest. 

“Y/N?” Tom asked while still holding you.

“Hmm?” You hummed into his chest. 

Tom really considered his next question, he didn't want to upset you, but he had to know. “Was that not the first time he hit you?” 

“I should have left months ago,” You whispered. “I just, I thought I could fix him, he was broken, and I'm a fixer, but instead of me fixing him, he broke me,” Tom felt the warmth of your tears on his chest. “It started off as little things, one fight he threw a rag at me, and then another he slammed the door on my hand, that's when I broke my fingers, and I kept telling myself it wouldn't escalate, and then last night.. He said that I was a slut, because I spent too much time with you, and I tried to argue that it was because you were just my best friend, and he slapped me across the face, and called me a liar.” you pulled away to look up at tom. “I'm a strong girl Tom, but I felt like next to nothing last night, and that's when I knew I had to get out.. I left and ran to the park and called you. Months of belittling, and name calling.. i didn't even see how bad it was, until it was to late,”

Tom's heart broke knowing this had been going on for months under his nose, that his y/n was hurting so much and he didn't even see it. He brought his thumb up to your bruise barely visible thanks to the makeup. He wasn't sure what exactly came over him, but he leaned down and kissed the spot ever so lightly. 

“He may have broken you y/n, but I'll be here to fix you, no matter how long it takes,” he whispered. You smiled at your best friend, your Tommy. Taking a chance, you pushed yourself up onto your tiptoes, and pressed your lips into his. It had always been Tom, you were just way too stubborn to accept it. You pulled away, resting your forehead against his.

“What happened last night tom?” You asked. You had only seen the aftermath, after Tom's phone call from the police station, informing you he'd been arrested. He rushed out so quickly, leaving you a mess in his bathroom. Then after his call, you had to uber to your apartment, finding it in shambles, from a physical fight. You knew you had to protect Tom. You couldn't let him go down to protect you. So you called Alex, telling him you were going to press charges, unless he promised to not press charges against Tom, and of course him being who he was, he agreed instantly, anything to keep his own name clean. morally, it probably wasn't the right decision, but you had to do what you had to do. 

“Well,” Tom started, thinking back to how he had acted, and what had actually transpired. 

Tom banged on the door, repeatedly, until Alex finally opened it. As soon as the door opened Tom shoved Alex pushing his way into the apartment. “Did you lay your hands on her?” he shouted. Causing a scoff out of Alex. 

“Of course she went crying to you, it's always you Holland,” he spat, pushing Tom back. 

The rest was a blur, Tom wasn't sure who threw the first punch, but he was sure who threw the last, and though he had been a little too rough, he didn't regret it, because he had done it for you.

Tom told you exactly how he had recalled the night, down to the police showing up. You were upset with him for jeopardizing his career, but you were also thankful to have someone like Tom, who would always come to your rescue when you allowed it. 

“Thank you Tommy,” You whispered. It would take time to recover from the last few months of your life, but you were sure with the help of Tom, and a little too much ice cream, you would come out on the other side stronger than ever.

[vigilantegetawaydriver]

Definition forbidden C2

Pairing: Frank Castle x oc

Word count: about 2k

Warnings : blood, graphic descriptions of violence

Notes: I last read this a month or 4 months ago, I have no idea if this is corrected.

Thanks. For even considering to read this.

Link to chapter 01

As promised Frank had kept Rose updated about Amy. After that she didn’t hear from him again.

Amy searched the whole trailer till she finally found it, the burner Phone that Rose had given to Frank. She flipped it open and called the only number in the call log, it took a while till Rose finally picked up:” What ya want Castle?” She answered in a groggy sounding voice.

Amy uttered:” Its me, Frank has been arrested, I need your help to get him out.”

“Amy are you ok? I knew Castle wasn’t that good, only a matter of time before something like this happened.” She murmured into the phone.

It only took Rose a few minutes to come to Amy, she drove them to the hospital were they held Frank. On their way there Rose managed to snag a police uniform, more like she knocked a female officer out and took her uniform.

“You know you didn’t have to do that , you could have just taken one of these nurse uniforms, like me.” Amy uttered as they were getting into the elevator. “Yea but those don’t come with a gun do they?” Rose countered.“ You are unbelievable.” Amy chuckled.

They arrived at the 3rd floor where Frank was held, and got out of the elevator. Rose did quick work showing off her badge and escorting Amy to Franks room.

When they arrived, there was already a blonde woman sitting next to Frank. “Wow, well Castle you look like shit.” Rose uttered without thinking, and regretting it immediately. “Rose ,Amy what the hell you two doing here?” Frank snarled furiously.

”Well Frank I can’t let you die, did you really think that I wouldn’t come to bust you out?” Was Amy´s response while she went to pick his handcuffs. “Who are these women , Frank?” The blonde woman inquired. “I’m Amy , and that’s my sister form another mister Rose.” Amy answered for Frank.

“And you are that Reporter chick, Karen Page right?” Rose inquired. “ That’s me.” Karen confirmed.

“Frank we need to get you out of here, everyone knows you are here now, they will come and try to kill you.” Amy insisted as Frank refused to let her pick the locks of his cuffs.

“Maybe you should just let them do it. Rose get her out of here.” Frank mumbled.

“What the fuck Castle, we come here to get you and you are coming with us, wether you want to or not, I´m not gonna let you quit just yet.” Rose concluded , getting the handcuff keys and staring to uncuff him.

When she was done she looked at him expectantly as he wouldn’t move.

“I can´t go with you, I did something that can´t be forgiven. I am no different from him.” Frank stammered. “What do you mean by that , and who are you talking about?” Rose questioned. She had to admit Frank looked like a mess, and she was pissed because no one was able to tell her what had actually happened to him. She waited patiently , but Frank wouldn’t answer.

Then suddenly a homeland security agent called Madanni turned up, she was apparently already acquainted with Frank. She said something abut Frank killing three innocent women, and him fighting some called Russo.

Rose was just about done when she grabbed Amy´s arm :” Come on lets go.”

Amy turned to her surprised :” I thought we were going to get Frank outta here?”

Rose pointed at Frank and exhorted :” You see that , he’s done with this shit, and it’s time that we are too, I will just have to find a way to get us out of the country and then well be save. So lets go Amy.” Amy was not having it, she wiggled out of Rose`s grip and got to Franks bed

” Frank, you can´t just give up, you need to come with us.” She pleaded.

“You should go kid, you’ll be save with her.” Was Franks response. In the meantime Madanni and Karen had excused themselves to go look at some evidence. There was a knock on the door and a Cop came in, he said he needed to talk to Frank alone, so Rose and Amy left. Rose couldn’t convince Amy to go so they stood there waiting. There was a chink in the roller blinds through that Rose could see into the room, she was looking through it when she saw the Cop pulling out a syringe and Frank providing his arm for a probably lethal injection.

She immediately sprung into action, almost kicking the door in and jumping at the assailant. She knocked the syringe right out of his hand, letting it fly across the room. She kicked him in the groin and tackled him to the floor.

When she made the mistake to briefly look up at Frank, the cop suddenly got the upper hand and got her in a chokehold. That didn’t last for long though, because Frank came from behind stabbing the life right out of him. The attackers body sank to the floor like a lifeless bag.

Rose coughed and turned to look at Frank.

“Are you alright?” Frank inquired in a raspy voice. Rose just nodded. They both just stood there for a moment staring into each others eyes trying to read what the other was thinking.

Then Amy made her presence known: “What the fuck was that Frank? You were just going to let that man kill you? You were going to let him do it?” Frank just gave her a guilty look.

Madanni and Karen came right after and Karen almost screamed :” You didn’t do it Frank, you didn’t kill those women Frank!”

After that the actual escape finally begun, Frank got dressed as Cop and escorted out by Madanni, Rose went out the front to get the car ready, Karen triggered the fire alarm and Amy got back into her civilian clothes to get out at the front door.

Rose arrived at the back entrance just in time to see a police officer pointing a gun at Frank and Madanni. She carefully advanced before holding her gun right to his head.

”Don´t move , give me your weapon , now!” Rose exhorted. The Cop did as she said but unfortunately he turned an saw her face. Rose urged Madanni to move Frank behind her , as she took the policeman’s gun and started to retreat. When she was about twenty feet from them she asked Frank:” Can you run?” He begrudgingly nodded, and they took off towards the car. Leaving Madanni to deal with the cop. Rose grabbed Franks arm and put it above her shoulders so she could support him. When they finally made it to the car , Amy was already there waiting for them, and helped Frank in the backseat. Grace got into the drivers seat and they drove off.

When they arrived at the trailer , Rose told Amy to check the trailer and then hold open the door. Rose helped Frank out of the car and offered him support but he denied with a grunt. “Great so you’re back to your old grumpy self.” She uttered frustrated.

After that , everything went to shit. This creepy looking buttered and bruised guy showed up, he was apparently the hitman trying to kill Amy and Frank.

They managed to barricade themselves inside the trailer, creepy hitman guy outside shouting something about them coming out or him opening fire. It didn’t matter anyway , Rose would not let anything happen to Amy , so she buckled up with her M16 which she had grabbed from the car and was ready to step out and kill this guy when Frank shoved her aside and stepped out instead , unarmed.

He kicked the trailer door closed and barked :”You don’t wanna kill them, just me , its me you want , lets solve this like men. You and me , no guns , just a fair fight!”

Rose had to keep Amy from storming out, as much as she wanted to keep Frank from getting killed too she knew that he could actually handle it. And apparently Franks speech served its purpose, because the two men were now advancing each other unarmed , ready for a fistfight.

It was Frank who threw the first punch, the creep dodged it and hit Frank straight in the face, you could see droplets of blood flying around as Franks head was knocked back by the force of the punch.

But Frank recovered almost instantly charging at the guy and wrestling him to the ground where he started to repeatedly hit him in the face. The hitman’s head was being thrown from side , his nose had already been broken at the first punch and his blood splattered everywhere. Somehow he managed to get Frank off of him, and picked up a chain lying on the floor , he started to whip Frank with it. Frank tried to shield himself holding up his arms. Then the hitman slung the chain around Franks neck, at first it looked like he had Frank but then suddenly Frank turned and caught the guy with the chain. Now the chain was around both of their necks. If they kept on fighting they would both die, it didn’t look like either one of them cared.

The hitman choked out :” Oh.. ..Only the w…wor..worthy one… o ..us ll survive.” Franks answer was a grunt and they both kept on struggling , both looking like they were going to pass out any second.

Rose came running out of the trailer followed by Amy , she was about ready to free Frank when he looked at them and shook his head. After that the struggle between the two men went on till Frank seemed to loose consciousness , but not without taking the hitman guy with him. Frank was on top of the creep when he managed to strangle him , his own blood dripping onto the guys face as he finished him off and then almost instantly passed out on top of the him.

Rose was the one freeing Frank from the chains and starting CPR frequently shouting at him not to die.

There was so much blood on him , whether it was his or the hitman’s was unclear she was starting to doubt that he would make it when he suddenly opened his eyes coughing up some blood. She turned him on his side so that he wouldn’t choke on his own blood.

“Frank , are are you okey?” Rose quizzed. He looked a litte distraught but slurred :”Yea Yeah.” Then Amy came down to him giving him a tight hug.

[ruby-whistler]

(quicksandblock) hi! I just left you a giant wall-of-text response on your Dream post, and though I think it came across well enough, I just want to state my lack of hostile intent over here as well lol. I know stuff like this that people feel strongly about can get very tense so I just wanted to make doubly certain you know I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything. it kind of sucks that I feel like I need to clarify that but that's fandom culture for you sometimes :P

also, I would love to talk to you about Dream characterization. I think I disagree with you on a lot of different points and I love his character, so I'm very interested in understanding your perspective!

hey, hello! found a c!dream enthusiast/enjoyer, that’s cool, hi! :]

[copied part i put in front of each reply, hence different capitalization]

Alright, so first as a quick disclaimer, I’m going to put a summary of the original post’s points, just to ensure that we’re on the same page;

The post does say:

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because it continuously hurts people who relate to and/or sympathize with him, also dehumanization in general is an inherently wrong mindset

- don’t attack people who sympathize with him because he’s a victim of abuse besides other things

The post never says:

- you cannot hate c!Dream and not sympathizing with him is wrong

- the things c!Dream has done are to any degree excused

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person

- people who dehumanize c!Dream are real life abuse apologists

If you read the post and didn’t get these points from it, i advise you to reread it as I made pretty much all of these abundantly clear.

[end of disclaimer]

i never said anyone could infringe on his human rights! i… literally never said that! i said “they ignore” when characters do it, but that was a run-on sentence, i get how that might’ve been easily misunderstood. but yes, he’s a fictional character, i’d never said people could actually hurt him or anything in that sense.

the thing is, i still find them saying they enjoy it… wrong? the people yelling in tommy’s chat for c!dream to hurt him more were freaking victim blaming pricks, and if what they did was the widespread fandom opinion it would be hurting actual people with trauma. i ask people to look at the c!dream situation with the same severity, because it’s actually happening and it’s highly disturbing, not just from principle, but because of what it leads to within the community.

sorry for comparing his situation to c!tommy, but narratively i believe the prison arc is a deliberate parallel to exile, and comparing his situation to someone they’ve not dehumanized seems to be the only way to knock sense into some people.

i am happy you don’t seem to be one of the people who dehumanize him. you’re not the target audience of this post - neither are abuse victims who project onto him. i know people who c!tommy reminds of their abuser (because of personality traits), or even c!quackity, that’s fine. they’re totally free to hate their respective character, of course, without being,, actually right about them. that being said, majority of this fandom is dehumanizing c!dream and being mad at people sympathizing with him “on behalf of the abuse victims”, not actual victims themselves, and by doing this they are unknowingly hurting other people rather than helping anything, and spreading misinformation as well as making a lot of fans in general uncomfortable. i believe this is something that needs to change in the community.

hating him is fine, but group-based dehumanization in my mind is not. if you go on twitter and search “c!dream” and see 100 people saying they wish the abuse victim you project onto is hurt more (this is not a twitter thing, c!dream tag is the same thing, a majority of the crit is untagged but it,, doesn’t really matter because even tagged hate riles up more people) that freaking sucks and is something that the community needs to work on, not shoved under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there because some people tag it.

“the abuse victims who are hurt by people saying they should be sympathetic towards Dream are in fact just as hurt as the abuse victims who relate to Dream and are hurt by people saying his evil.”

this is not wrong. it’s right actually, but i’m not talking about this fandom calling him evil/unable to be sympathized with/irredeemable. i mean, that’s hurtful dehumanization as well, but this community doesn’t “say he’s evil” it “says he deserves to keep being horribly abused and/or die”.

and… i wasn’t talking about/saying abuse victims should sympathize with him either? i’ve said like five times that people can hate him as much as they want, but dehumanization is another thing. it’s the majority of this community (this post wasn’t targeting abuse victims in the slightest) taking away his positive human qualities, hence believing he doesn’t deserve human rights, and turning him into some sort of punching bag or personification of evil, which i find deeply disturbing since he’s being related to by abuse victims, and also blatantly incorrect to the character.

so, you’d be right, if the situation was what you described. it… really isn’t. the dream smp fanbase isn’t populated by abuse victims in any corner. it’s two small groups, one of them hurt (undeservingly) by a few and the other one hurt (no more or less undeservingly) by a majority of the fandom without anyone batting an eye.

and this post isn’t even about abuse victims in the first place; it’s about dehumanization. while its impact plays a big role in why i wrote this, things like these being widespread in the fandom makes so many people uncomfortable or pressured not to sympathize with a recently made sympathetic character that they might (but could not) relate to. relating to him myself, i might not have a say in this, but my compassion in general made me switch over to the c!dream sympathetic people, not anyone in the community or projection.

the results i relayed here weren’t the only results of the survery. people mentioned pandora’s vault as their reasons for being dream apologists,, over and over and over again. a lot of them mentioned the fandom response specifically.

it’s making the fandom not only unsafe to a small group of traumatized people, but also fans in general, who are equally as important to feel comfortable. hell, the reason dream apologists are such a tight-knit community that accepts little to no outside feedback is because of the hatred that is endlessly nurtured outside, that makes people feel anxious or not safe just for sympathizing with a victim of abuse.

i myself find this a problem that people should attempt to change beyond using crit tags more. feel free to not agree with that, but a lot of affected people do.

i agree the disc finale was actually cathartic! well, that’s a lie, i used to hate c!dream’s guts before that but that was the very instance where i saw a person behind the mask and went “oh, this is a whole mess isn’t it”, but it was,, cathartic to a lot of other people that didn’t use to have intense empathy to inanimate objects as children djskdjsk (i was a weird kid and still am, don’t mind that)

do you know what is cathartic? when a dog terribly bites a child, gets kicked away and gets put in a cage. do you know what isn’t cathartic? …that dog getting repeatedly beaten, starved and abused while trapped in said cage. even in fiction, and i say that as someone who was terribly bitten by a dog.

i don’t mind fictional characters suffering - frick, angst is my jam, i’ll write a character dying over and over again and have fun, but people justify that or make fun of people who don’t by saying openly that they enjoy it,, because he’s done bad things.

here comes the double standard. the exile arc wasn’t cathartic just because tommy burnt down a house, because hell, that wasn’t fair retribution. same goes for dream.

there is a difference between enjoying dark media (something i do frequently and is something i like doing) and open dehumanization and often normalized harassment of people who don’t do the same or condemn that. that is something that in my mind shouldn’t be a mainstream thing in the community.

to be fair, people saying an abuse victim no longer being hurt is “bad writing” or “insensitive” as i’ve seen people say would probably piss me off, but i’m,, not going to harass them. maybe a passive-aggressive vague-post if enough big accounts do it, but i think that’s justified. feel free to disagree - i still respect abuse victims who wouldn’t like that, but people who just don’t want the writers to humanize a character they’ve dehumanized will probably grind my gears.

this community,, isn’t working like this. i wrote this because people are repeatedly being hurt by the community or feel bad in it because of widespread opinions and dehumanization of a character that is as of late written to be sympathetic to the audience. that’s not a disagreement, the people who are actually sympathetic are a minority in the fandom, which would be fine with me, if they weren’t constantly invalidated, triggered and harassed as a direct result of the dehumanization discussed in this post.

besides the fact that the principle of dehumanization applied to c!dream is wrong - and if people find themselves doing that, it’s good for them to find a way to realize that, such as this post, because projection =/= dehumanization, and this post is targeting one, not the other - this is why i wrote this post. i still believe my points are valid and important for this fandom to consider.

you know, we could talk about the characterization right now - but after this i’m going onto a two month long hiatus for the sole purpose of studying the character. i’m not joking, this is what i’m dedicating my summer to. since i’m also closing my asks because of this, i can write this down and @ you when i’m done? :D i’d love to talk about him but i’m going to have so much more evidence after this, so maybe we can put this off for a while if you don’t mind! of course feel free to continue the dehumanization debate in a string of reblogs since it’s pretty much a different debate entirely.

( @zrenia @caketexturepack just tagging some people who responded to your response and might be interested in the continuation of the debate - also curious anon i saw your two asks i was just busy djsjdks please don’t spam about people who replied to me, i have a bad memory but i write this stuff down, actually )

[destroyyourbinder]

I want to thank Jacob for his enormous bravery in speaking out publicly about how the “puberty blocker” (GnRH agonist) protocol and the medicalization of his identity affected him as a struggling trans teenager. 

I want to note before I share the article that stories like Jacob’s are being politicized by groups like Mermaids (the primary transgender child lobbying organization in the UK) to claim that while "blockers” are “safe” and “reversible” and ought to be immediately provided to trans children who are beginning puberty, that any problems with GnRH agonists indicates that clinicians should begin cross-sex hormone treatment early. Organizations such as Mermaids and various other groups in the US frequently claim that there ought to be no formal lower age bound for the initiation of cross-sex HRT (i.e. testosterone for female children, estrogen and an anti-androgen drug for male children) and Johanna Olson-Kennedy (a pediatric gender “expert” and head of the gender clinic at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles) advocates regularly for female children to receive testosterone at twelve and has possibly given children as young as 8 testosterone treatment. So in sharing this kid’s story, I want to be careful, since there is a real danger that exposing the harms of using GnRH agonists such as Lupron on gender-variant children will lead to a change in strategy where these children are merely dosed early with cross-sex hormones, a protocol that to my knowledge that we have zero long-term data on. (Children are given GnRH agonists as a means to halt precocious puberty, and in fact, these drugs are approved for this purpose, so we have some data on their effects already. As far as I know, there has been no previous medical reason to give female children testosterone or male children anti-androgens and estrogen.) The article is behind a paywall but I am transcribing it here: Puberty blocking drugs: ‘For the past four years I’ve been stuck as a child’ Jacob has just turned 16 and for the past four years the teenager’s body has been put on pause. He has been on hormone blockers to stop puberty while he decides how far he is willing to go to become a transgender man.

He claims that taking blockers was “the worst decision I’ve ever made”.

Jacob was born a girl but felt unhappy with his gender. “I always felt so weak and pathetic and inferior to the men.” He started using the male pronoun and imagined himself growing up and “dating a woman”.

When Jacob became one of thousands of young adolescents to be referred for puberty blockers by the NHS’s main gender clinic for children he was delighted. “It was sold to me as a  miracle cure for being trans,” he claimed. He told another trans school friend about them, who started requesting blockers too.

Hormone blockers are only licensed in Britain to delay the onset of puberty for children suffering “precocious puberty” — that is, those who start developing abnormally early before the age of eight or nine.

However, their use is promoted by the transgender campaign group Mermaids as a way of giving young people “a pause button” while deciding whether to graduate to the irreversible, cross-sex hormones that will trigger the life-changing, fertility-reducing jump from one gender to another, once they reach 16. The vast majority of children who begin blockers go on to take that step.

Blockers are physically reversible, insofar as puberty will eventually restart once someone stops taking them. But no one — not even the directors of the country’s leading gender clinic, the Tavistock’s Gender Identity Development Service [GIDS] — knows their long-term impact, for example, on the teenage brain.

After just a few consultations at the Tavistock, Jacob was referred to the endocrinology clinic at University College London Hospitals [UCLH]. He claimed the clinic did not consider his background, such as the trauma of a sexual assault at primary school, or his parents’ difficult divorce. He and his mother were soon making regular visits to London from their small village in the west of England for the injections.

“They promise you that your breasts will disappear, that your voice will be deeper, that I would look and sound more like a boy. For me, that was the best thing that could have happened,” he said.

Only, Jacob found that wasn’t what happened at all. Far from becoming one of the lads, as he’d hoped, he felt even more alienated from them as their physiques changed and Jacob’s remained the same.

“At school, other people were maturing into adults. The guys I grew up with were growing hair and growing up. For someone who’s trying to fit in as a boy, that’s not what you want.” Jacob had always been the tallest among his friends. Now he was the shortest. When his little brother overtook him in height and strength, he found it too upsetting to be in the same room as him. “My little brother is 18 months younger and now he has completely outgrown me. I go to school and I feel like other people are developing and I still feel like a child,” he said. Jacob also claims he was not warned about the side-effects of the drugs. These have included insomnia, exhaustion, fatigue, low moods, rapid weight   gain which caused his skin to become covered with angry, itchy stretch marks, and a reduction in bone density. “I’d never broken a bone before [taking puberty blockers],” he says. “I’ve since broken four bones.” “I stubbed my toe, it broke. I fell over, my wrist broke. Same with my elbow.” As he took the blockers, Jacob’s mother watched her child become even more introverted and body-conscious. “The blockers contributed more to the self-image problems that were already there,” she said. Jacob found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. If sitting GSCEs is hard enough with raging hormones, it’s even harder without them, he said. “I’m someone with the developing mind of a 12-year-old who’s doing exams designed for a 16-year-old.”

He added: “The worst part was probably the depression. There were moments when I wanted everything to stop. Weight gain and depression — for someone who is already self-conscious about their body, that’s a lethal combination.” Clinicians who resigned from GIDS for ethical reasons said one of their main concerns was that young people were being sent down a medical pathway without proper exploration of the possibility they may simply be gay. Jacob is no closer to understanding who he may be attracted to at 16 as he   was at 12. “My friends are all talking about having sex and girlfriends, and going to prom... but I’ve never had a crush. I’ve never felt sexual attraction to anyone. I feel so out of place.” In hindsight, Jacob finds it surprising how little his background — and the reasons why he didn’t want to be a girl — were discussed before being referred for treatment. “They didn’t even look at my history or trauma,” claimed Jacob. “They sent a child whose circumstances and feelings they didn’t understand [for hormone treatment].” Jacob is speaking out about his experience to warn other transgender youngsters to think twice before starting blockers. “I was sold a miracle cure. They promised happiness with little evidence behind it. Then four years in, you realise, oh my God, I’ve no idea about the long-term effects.“

“They asked a 12-year-old to make a decision an adult would struggle with.” “It  was like, ‘here are the drugs’ and off we went. It’s a ridiculous process. It’s not gone the way they told me it was going to go.”

Mermaids, the transgender lobby group, claims that puberty blockers are safe and “completely reversible” and that not giving them to youngsters who   request them can be more damaging than prescribing them.

Gendered Intelligence, another trans campaign group, claims on its website that hormone blockers give children “breathing space to ensure that they are  sure about the permanent effects of cross-sex hormones, without the adverse effects of an incorrect puberty.” Jacob is scathing about such claims. “Breathing space! It really isn’t. I’ve not had any space to breathe the last four years.“

“They sell it to you as a break from feeling like a girl, and that’s fine for the first few months but as soon as everyone else around you starts developing it becomes ‘spot the transgender kid’, which is so easy because you’re stuck as a child.“

“If anything, I’ve been more depressed than before. My thyroid is messed up. I’m hungry all the time. I have no idea how my breast tissue will develop.” He claimed: “They push and push you on to this one-way train you’re not allowed off.” Asked whether it was misleading to promote puberty blockers as a “pause   button”, a spokesman for Mermaids said: “Mermaids cannot comment on   clinical cases as we are not involved in any individuals’ medical pathways.” “We offer young people and their families information, support and access to others in similar circumstances.” Gendered Intelligence declined to respond. Jacob claims the main focus of his treatment at the Tavistock was on the   milestones of transition — “how far you’re willing to go” — rather than discussion of the consequences.

He claims: “My Tavistock worker was saying to me, ‘once you have the testosterone, you’ll be a boy’. “But it shouldn’t be about milestones. Being trans is how you think; it should not be about how far down the line you’re will to go.” A spokesman for Tavistock said: “All young people considering the puberty blocker or cross-sex hormones are repeatedly made aware of the known potential impacts of these medical interventions... as well as the areas of impact that remain to some extent unknown.“

“The information that we give patients about the blockers makes it clear that they may get tired and experience low mood. We explain to young people that hormones give us energy and drive, not just our sex drive but our overall ‘get up and go’. “We also emphasised to them routinely that while on the blocker they would stay early puberty whilst their peers developed. This is a routine part of the discussion.“

“In the end the decision to go on blockers is a balancing act weighing up these factors against the perceived distress of undergoing puberty in the ‘wrong’ gender and developing unwanted and potential hard to change secondary sexual characteristics.” Jacob decided to come off the drugs on turning 16. He began to feel the benefits almost overnight. “I grew taller, I lost weight, I felt livelier. It was like getting the poison out of my system,” he said. He will now wait until reaching 18 before making any big decisions.“I’m just fed up with all of it. I’ve felt like a guinea pig from day one. [Blockers] only made my life more complicated and it was pretty complicated already.” He  added: “I’ll be 18 in two years, but for the past four years I’ve been stuck as a child. Blockers took away the chance I had to grow up with other kids. Now I want to give my body a break.”

[literaphobe]

Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

[romvnova]

Becoming The Raptor Wrangler: Chapter One

Warning: There may be potential triggers littered throughout this chapter. Please read this at your own discretion. Keep in mind, in my headcanon Owen suffers heavily from PTSD and anxiety and it’ll be a key focus of his character for me until he finds a way to cope with it (apropos to “his girls” { aka. the raptor squad } Blue, Charlie, Delta and Echo).

There’s an unrelenting pounding of someone’s fist on the metal of his Airstream’s door. Owen, who was in an uneasy sleep — it’s always uneasy — sets up with a rough gasp, his heart pounding loudly in his ears as the blood rushes from his head.

“Alright. ALRIGHT!” He snarls as he throws his legs over the edge of the bed and stands, planting his hand to the wall for a second before he pushes off of it and goes to the door, unlocking it and pushing it open. The knocking, blissfully, ceases but there’s a fire in his father’s eyes as Owen opens the door and steps aside as Logan Grady invites himself in that makes Owen immediately regret opening the door.

“Come in.” Owen invites as his father turns sharply on his heel and turns to face Owen who lets out a breath and closes the door. His father’s gaze burns through him and Owen can’t help but feel that it was intimidating enough to cause the devil himself to think twice.

“Owen, this has to stop.” His father’s arm shoots out to stop him as Owen makes to brush past him, reaching for the small, orange prescription bottles laying on the RV’s counter.

“What the hell?” Owen demands gruffly, growing more grumpy by the moment as his mood swings. He needs the anti-depressants and anxiety medication to function something close to a normal human being and his father knows it. It isn’t a magical cure all — the flashbacks and the anxiety attacks still happen — but it helps.

“I can’t sit by and just watch this any longer.”

“Watch what?” Owen snaps. He’s taller than his father and his father wasn’t truly the road-block that he thought he was. If Owen really wanted to …he could get past him. But Owen didn’t really want to. There was too much of a risk that he’d seriously hurt his dad in the process and despite his raising annoyance he didn’t want to hurt his old man.

“Watch you waste away in this trailer. Look Owen, it’s been six months since you …retired from the SEALS and in that time you’ve done nothing to help yourself. You just keep taking the medication they prescribe for you. You haven’t put much, if any effort, towards finding a new purpose. You need somethin’, boy. Somethin’ other than these damn medicines and this trailer. You need to find your path. You’ve lost your way.” Owen’s lips mash into a hard, terse line and he rolls his eyes, shifting his position so he leans his hips against the counter.

His father wasn’t wrong.

Still, that goddamn Grady stubbornness rises like a white hot heat in Owen as he feels the urge to defend himself.

“Nobody’s hiring vets, Dad. I’m a liability to them. If I have a PTSD episode while at work …that’s on them. They can’t take that risk.” Owen’s tone is colorfully snide to accent the sharp air quotes he did. He’d only heard that line over a thousand times.

Can you get through a day without the jackhammer triggering a flashback?

No.

Sorry son, I just…I can’t take that risk.

Yeah, I’d gladly hire you as security. Your martial arts repertoire is impressive, man…but there’s a lot of flashing lights and heavy bass. I see that you suffer from PTSD. Can you confidently tell me that it won’t trigger an episode?

Not as confidently as you’d like me to.

I’m real sorry, man. I can’t take the risk. Better luck next time.

Owen understands …to some degree. He gets it but he can only take being kicked to the curb like a prized fighting dog that’s lost it’s value for so long before it takes it’s toll on him. He’s struggling …and it’s only because of sheer stubbornness that he hasn’t taken to alcohol as a suppressant.

“I mean, honestly, Pops. What skills do I have to offer the world? It’s not like there’s exactly a high demand for a black-ops trained killer. And, ok, I could make a few bucks training animals …but people’re too afraid that I’ll train their animals to be weapons.”

Owen watches his father contemplate his words and a long silence stretches between them followed closely by a rise and fall of Logan Grady’s shoulders.

“Listen, Owen. I need an extra pair of hands at the Ranch. I can’t haul an axe like I used to and Rick brought me a particularly rebellious stallion that needs a good trainer. I’ll pay you the same wage I pay everyone else —”

“Pops …,” Owen shakes his head in refusal. “I’m not —”

“Now, don’t argue with me boy …”

“— I’m not takin’ your money.” Owen insists firmly with a bit more passive aggression than he meant to. Realizing he’s stepped boot to boot with his father, staring down at him in the same manner he’d stared down at the men in his platoon when they’d disobeyed him Owen swallows thickly and reels back, reigning himself in. “I’ll work on the Ranch,” Owen agrees, hand gripping the the wood top of the dinette’s bench. He tries to make it look casual but his grip is hard and he feels the wood slowly giving way beneath his fingers that have gone numb from the death grip he exerts. “but I won’t accept your money.”

“Molly Warbeck keeps asking if you’ll be coming back to church anytime soon.”

Molly Warbeck was Owen’s ex from high school. One of those down-home, homegrown, found on good ground girls. Owen joined the Navy the summer of his Junior year in school and their relationship ended a few days after their senior graduation. Owen broke it off with her because it hadn’t seemed fair to him for her to keep holding onto him when he had ambitions to join the SEALS. Holding onto a man who’d became a ghost, never knowing when and where he was going or if he’d make it back.

People in your life were messy.

And now …well, now, the Owen he’d been in high school didn’t exist anymore and it wasn’t fair to either of them to try to ‘pick up where they’d left off’. Maybe for her it was easy, maybe she hadn’t changed at all …but Owen couldn’t be that kid anymore.

“It doesn’t seem right to go to Church when I don’t believe in God.” Owen squints out the window, arms crossed over his chest. He approaches the subject gruffly and close-minded. His decision’s been made on both fronts: God and Molly Warbeck. Surprisingly, his father doesn’t push, for all of Logan Grady’s faults, he tries not to push religion on Owen, and tries to respect his point of view. Molly’s a bit of a different story but Owen’s well adapted to holding his ground.

“That wasn’t exactly what I was gettin’ at…” Logan scratches as his salt and pepper beard.

“— I know what you were getting at.” Owen interrupts, brushing past his father. “Give me a few minutes to get dressed and clean up and I’ll hitch a ride with you up to the ranch.” Logan grunts and heads towards the door, pushing it open and pushing it closed behind him. Owen’s fingers reach for the prescription bottle but he stops just short of tugging it into his grasp.

The anti-depressants and anxiety medications make Owen’s life more tolerable …and he doesn’t remember the last time he tried to make it through a day without them. The goal’d always been to wean himself off of them once he found solid ground beneath his feet again.

Why not start today?

Currently, the ground felt pretty damn solid …but that was a rocky slope. He’d just started up the mountain that seems so damn and impossibly high. One step at a time.

He retracts his hand and goes into the ‘bedroom’ to change into jeans and an old flannel shirt and contemplates shaving off his beard that he’d let grow. He runs his hands over it for a moment, considering his options before he remembers that his father’s outside waiting for him. He exits the RV and hops up into the bed of his father’s rumbling, old Chevy truck, rapping his knuckles against the roof of the cab, snickering at his father when Logan pokes his head out of the window he cranked down.

“Get in the cab of the truck, boy. Like a normal person.”

“Nah, I’m good.” He laughs as his father’s head disappears into the cab and he puts the truck in drive and they rumble down the rough path to the ranch. It was reminiscent of Owen’s time as a kid. He’d always preferred to ride in the bed of the truck as opposed to being wedged in the cab between his parents, or having to share that tiny middle seat with his younger brother ( which couldn’t have been even remotely safe now that he thinks about it ). Besides that, it feels claustrophobic to him.

He ducks and sinks down into the bed to avoid being beheaded by low hanging branches, and props one knee up, resting his hand on his knee, back pressed against the back of the cab as he watches his RV at the very back of their land disappear into the thick trees, his Triumph the last thing he sees glinting in the early morning sun.

The window at the back of the cab unlatches and his dad slides it open. He’s got the news playing on the radio and Owen swallows the lump that forms in his throat as the woman radio personality talks about an armed robbery, a workplace shooting and a kidnapping. The last was the story of how a young girl was raped by her step-dad repeatedly and Owen’s stomach roils with nausea and for a moment his muscles tense as he prepares to hoist himself over the side of the truck to throw up.

“Turn it off.” Owen rasps into the window. “For the love of fuck…turn it off.” He doesn’t want to hear the shit the world’d turned into. This wasn’t what he’d fought for. This wasn’t the America he’d sacrificed damn near everything for.

A few seconds past.

“Are you alright, Owen?” The truck lurches and Owen grabs the side of the truck bed and empties his mostly empty stomach over it.

“Fine.” Owen gasps as he finishes, scrunching up his face at the sour taste that lingers in his mouth. “There’s a reason I don’t own a TV.” He tells his father gruffly.

There’s a long pause and Owen wipes the light sheen of sweat off of his forehead with the grease stained cloth tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. The cool fall air feels good against his heated skin. The news only pisses him off, makes him sick. Makes him feel like everything he and every other service member did was for nothing.

He thought he’d been some damn unsung hero. He thought he’d known who the enemies of mankind were …but the truth was that they lingered everywhere. Monsters hiding in human skin everywhere.

He thought about joining the local police or state trooper force. It seemed like a natural transition: uphold the law, protect the innocent. It’d been his plan, originally. His therapist recommended against it claiming it to be ‘least suitable career choice for him due to his emotional issues from his tours of deployment’.

Emotional issues. That was a nice way of putting it. Candy coated, legal jargon bullshit.

“Have you eaten anything?”

“You woke me up.” Owen replied, fidgeting with a loose string on his jeans as he props his knee back up. He doesn’t say it accusatory. Just tiredly. His father makes a small rumble of disapproval.

“I’ll make you some breakfast. A man needs to eat.”

They drive for a few more minutes, a silence settling between them only for Owen to let out a grunt and grab onto the side of the bed to keep himself from slamming back into the back of the cab as his father slams on the breaks. The tires squeal in protest and the truck engine rumbles it’s own displeasure.

“What the hell?” Owen asks, pushing himself to his feet in the bed to loom over the roof of the cab. Three black cars are parked along the lane. A man looking out of place in jeans and a casual shirt stands leaning against the Mercedes and two men in black uniform flank him, their hands resting on their sidearms. Hardly inconspicuous.

“I thought I told ya to get off my land.” Owen’s father yells as he goes to get out of the truck.

“Stay in the truck, Dad.” Owen warns his father as he hops over the side of the bed, moving around the truck to meet the man who moves forward. Owen watches his lackeys as they mirror his movements.

“Lieutenant Commander Grady.” The man holds a meaty hand out for Owen to shake but Owen doesn’t reciprocate.

“Former Lieutenant Commander.” Owen corrects gruffly. “I’m retired, in case you haven’t heard.”

“Dogs of war like us never retire, Lieutenant Commander.” The man replies with a quirk of his lips into a smile. Owen doesn’t trust him. “I’m Vic Hoskins. Head of Security at InGen on Isla Nublar.”

“I know who you are.” Owen replies curtly.

“You’re a hard man to get ahold of, Mr. Grady.” Vic Hoskins seems adamant on dancing around what Owen really wants to know. Owen recognizes the power-play happening. Hoskins wants to be in control of their conversation and that annoys Owen greatly.

“It’s intentional.” He didn’t want the government or military sniffing him out, he didn’t want to join any support groups. He just wanted to be left alone.

“Want to tell me why you’re harassin’ my Old Man, Mr. Hoskins?”  Owen demands in lieu of asking.

“I’m sure you’re familiar with Jurassic World?” Hoskins inquires with a grin that would put a cat to shame. Except he thinks Owen’s his canary. Big mistake, but for the moment allowing Hoskins to think he’s in charge here works to Owen’s advantage and thus he allows it.

“It’s hard not to be. Advertisements everywhere you look.” Owen doesn’t agree with it. With the de-extinction of the dinosaurs, with exploiting them for money and entertainment. It rubbed him the wrong way on multiple levels …but he knows he has no room to talk. Hadn’t he done the same thing with his animals during his time with the SEALS? Train them to be weapons of war? He’d exploited them for the military, and they’d been used and disposed of in lieu of soldier’s lives.

And it haunted Owen every day of his life.

“You ever been?”

“Nah. Zoos aren’t my thing.” Owen replies cracking a lopsided grin that hides knives beneath it. It’s all a complex mess of feelings for him. He understands with the ‘saving endangered animals from extinction’ prospect of it …but then again wasn’t that what animal sanctuaries were for?

“I have to be honest, Mr. Grady …I’m looking for someone of your particular skill set to join InGen’s team.”

“And what skill set would that be?”

“We’re working on a new project called IBRIS. We’d like for you to research the cognitive abilities and behavior of the Raptors. See if they can bond with the humans, if they can be trained to follow commands. Your file appeared on my desk with a high and shining recommendation.”

The ‘no’ lingers on the very tip of Owen’s tongue. He’s not going to train war machines. Instead of ‘no’, he laughs. He laughs because it sounds so ridiculous. A dinosaur trainer? Training dinosaurs wasn’t like training dogs and horses.

“You want me to train velociraptors?” Owen asks, just to be sure he’s heard Hoskins correctly.

“This isn’t a laughing matter, soldier. It’s a serious offer. It’s a good offer. Misrani is willing to triple your wage you made before you retired.”

Holy shit.

“Full employee benefits. Retirement plans. Everything top of the line. Right at your fingertips.”

It sounds grand but Owen’s not out for money. He gets a nice fat pension from the military as it is. He chooses to live in the old Airstream on his family’s land. It’s quiet. It’s comfortable and he’s never been a man of pomp.

There’s a big question of morality in play. As Owen stares Hoskins down, the other man does the same to him. He doesn’t want to train the velociraptors for monetization and exploitation. Besides that, unleashing velociraptors on a battlefield? Sounds like a massacre waiting to happen. Could he let that happen? Owen gets the feeling that this Project IBRIS was going to happen with or without him spearheading it. If he didn’t accept the job then someone who had no moral compass would come in, in his place. At least if he accepts Owen has a chance to ensure that he’s a valuable piece on the chess board. He can ensure that InGen couldn’t dispose of him when he got in their way because he would get in their way. There was no way that he was going to let them unleash raptors in active war zones. For the sake of both the people and the animals themselves.

“I need some time to think about it.” Owen finally responds. He already knows his answer but he wants InGen to sweat it out for a bit. They want him bad, he can tell by the twitch in Vic Hoskins eye as Owen intentionally displays deliberation.

“You have twenty four hours. There’s a jet waiting at the local airport. It departs at seven hundred hours tomorrow morning. Your name’s on the manifest.” Hoskins tells him before turning sharply on his heel and walking back to the car, his lackeys following after a few prolonged seconds as Owen plants his hands on his hips.

InGen wants him bad enough to assume that he’ll say ‘yes’.

“What’d they want?” Owen looks over his shoulder as the rumbling engine of his father’s truck draws closer, the crunch of gravel under tire slowing as his father pulls the truck to a stop beside Owen.

“To offer me a job.” Owen replies, going around the front of the truck and hopping in the passenger side of the cab.

[saeitoshi]

Alright, this is going to be a theory post first of all focusing on Flame possibly cheating to help Soulburner whenever he uses his “Burning Draw” skill. The overall question being addressed is: Are the Ignis cheating to help their duelists win?

If Flame cheating for Soulburner is true, then the possibility opens up to Ai also cheating for Playmaker with his “Storm Access” skill. However, there’s not really any concrete evidence for this case that I can think of from the top of my head (plus I unfortunately don’t have the time to rewatch all 50+ episodes), but I will address this case as much as I can.

The post will wrap up with the significance of this theory if it does end up being true, which focuses mainly on the information we learn in Episode 43. I did not expect this part to be such a long section at all, but re-watching the episode surprised me with much more potential foreshadowing than I expected.

A quick heads up, this is by no means defending the writing, but simply a theory that may explain the purpose behind the direction that the writers have taken. 

1. Flame’s potential cheating with Soulburner’s “Burning Draw.”

A major issue that has many worried is the constant Soulburner wins since his appearance, especially the back-to-back victories against Go and Blue Girl. Could it be purely poor writing? Perhaps. However, it could also be exceptional writing as it deliberately shows his victories repeatedly. All of Soulburner’s wins so far ultimately rely on his skill “Burning Draw,” which depletes his LP to 100 but allows him to draw a card for every 1000 LP he lost. 

What if his skill, however, is being manipulated by Flame? What if whenever Soulburner uses “Burning Draw,” Flame hijacks the duel disk and shuffles the deck so that Soulburner draws the exact card that he needs to win? This would give reason to showing Soulburner winning again and again, to emphasize that he only wins through Flame’s cheating, and not through his own prowess. 

For Flame and Soulburner’s case, this post is only going to be looking at Episode 56, since I feel like the earlier episodes with them didn’t give any obvious hints towards this possibility. If this theory is true, then I believe that the writers deliberately placed these hints in this particular duel where Soulburner was being pushed to his limits, where he struggled the most in the entire series thus far.

It started in the middle of the duel when Soulburner is down to 900 LP at the end of his turn. When Flame notes that Soulburner is whining, he says this:

Now these comments by themselves can be easily played off as Flame being the sarcastic AI that he is, as even Soulburner notes, but he continues on:

I’m going to analyze these two lines first before showing more screenshots.

a) For the first line, Flame is repeating the exact words that Soulburner said in reference to Soulburner praising Blue Girl for her dueling skills as the charismatic duelist and hero of LINK VRAINS, and yet this line still holds meaning in Flame’s case. 

If Flame is using it in the same manner as Soulburner did, then Flame “being an excellent AI partner” that gives Soulburner “the edge” over Blue Girl is an objective truth. If Flame was simply the “compassionate observer” that he teases that he is, then this is less of an objective form of assistance, but more of a subjective form based on feelings and emotions that doesn’t necessarily actually help Soulburner with his duel. An objective form of help is more concrete, like something that can actually affect the end result of the duel. 

b) The second line is much more apparent, as Flame notes that with his help, Soulburner’s “dormant abilities may bloom.” This line implies that Flame can do much more than simply cheer from the sidelines to aid him in the duel. Especially in the context of duels in VRAINS, Flame could be referencing to Soulburner’s skill when he says “abilities.”

Moving on to later on in the duel, by the end of Blue Girl’s next turn, Soulburner states that he is in a “pretty bad situation.” Flame responds as so:

Flame mentions that there is ONE card that will turn the duel around, and both Soulburner and Flame know exactly which one it is (the card “Fusion of Fire”). Notice the LARGE amount of cards in Soulburner’s deck, and yet Flame insists that it is still possible to win. However, it would take a miracle to make it happen with that many cards left in the deck. 

Soulburner then proceeds to draw, but is not able to draw the card he needs to win and says this line:

Flame’s response to this is the most intriguing to me, and made me start thinking about the theory in the first place:

Although again, this can be played off as his sarcastic self, another way to interpret this is that Soulburner never relied on destiny in the first place to help win any of his duels, including those that he won with his skill. Soulburner instead had other ways that ensured his victory, and that his amazing draws that won him duels were not simply due to luck.

Flame continues his response with this:

This can also be interpreted as Flame not wanting Soulburner to lose, but Flame is purposefully taunting Soulburner to use his skill. However Flame keeps mentioning to Soulburner to forget about destiny, because it’s irrelevant in the outcome of the duel itself. 

Of course when Soulburner does use his skill, lo and behold:

Soulburner gets the card he needed. Flame also mentions destiny a third time over the course of a couple of minutes, as if to imply to Soulburner that he doesn’t need a “Goddess of Destiny” to draw the right card; he just needs Flame to do it.

This basically results in the end of the duel, so there’s not much else to mention for Flame and Soulburner’s case. In my opinion, this was the most vocal that Flame has been during a duel with Soulburner, which brought his comments into my awareness even more than it normally would.

An ending note: after the duel when Soulburner praises Blue Girl for becoming stronger, Flame ends it off repeating this same line again:

Flame, I get it, you’re important. 

On a more serious note, repetition can be a very important factor in the context of foreshadowing. Similar to how Flame kept on mentioning “destiny,” the fact that he continues to say that Soulburner won because he had “an excellent AI” to help him starts to bring this fact to the viewers’ attention, that perhaps Flame was actually the deciding factor of Soulburner winning the duel, through his possible manipulation of Soulburner’s skill in the final turn. 

2. Ai’s potential cheating with Playmaker’s “Storm Access.”

Like I mentioned before, there is not really any obvious hints that I know of which Ai gives away about possibly cheating (and therefore no screenshots to accompany this section). Even so, there may possibly be foreshadowing in the previous episodes that I'm not aware of, but won’t be addressed here unfortunately. 

However, I will address the possible implications pertaining to Ai’s influence with Playmaker’s skill “Storm Access,” which allows Playmaker to grab a new card from the Data Storm when his LP reaches 1000 or lower. Similar to Soulburner, Playmaker has not yet had any losses in the series, and Playmaker’s winning streak all started with the first duel in Episode 2 when he first used his skill. 

We all know that by this current arc, Ai is able to fully manipulate the Data Storm where he can freely summon and dissipate it at will. However the question remains, how much control did he have before this?

In Episode 1, Ai was able to at least summon the Data Storm, but whether that was the full extent of his control is unknown. Although it is possible that after leaving Yusaku for 3 months, he went from having almost no control of the Data Storm to having complete control of it, the power gap seems to be an extreme one to leave off-screen. However, what if instead of it being a large power jump, Ai actually had much more control than was initially assumed?

By Episode 42, we can tell that Ai could not control the instability of the Data Storm, so what else could he have control of if he did have more than we thought? The cards available for Playmaker. 

Again, I’m not aware of any blatant signs that Ai has dropped to imply this, but if Flame does prove to actually hijack Soulburner’s skill, then it is also a viable possibility that Ai would do the same. Ai has been known to lie to Playmaker before with no ill intentions, and since we know that Ai from the beginning was aware that Playmaker was his duelist from the Lost Incident, Ai would be more than willing to influence the cards that Playmaker would receive in the Data Storm to help him win his duels. 

3. What is the significance of this theory to the plot if it’s true?

The significance is essentially found in the major plot point of this series. Revisiting Episode 43, Ryoken explains the entire backstory of Dr. Kogami and the Ignis, and talks about Dr. Kogami’s prediction after “billions of simulations:”

If we assume the “billions of simulations” are in fact true, then the Ignis will be the cause of humanity’s downfall. This heavily implies that there will be tension between humans and AIs in the near future. However, if there are humans like Yusaku and Takeru who get along with their Ignis, then how would this ultimately become an issue? As long as the winning team (aka Playmaker and Soulburner) keep winning, the end result should be that humans and AIs live peacefully. 

There are two possible reasons that this could occur:

a) Playmaker and Soulburner both lose and SOL Technologies/the other unknown enemy begin to mistreat the AIs and trigger a war between humans and AIs. 

This is certainly a possible route that can happen, but it’s less likely of the two. The main reason is that Dr. Kogami never predicts that only some of the Ignis will be the cause of humanity’s end, but rather all of the Ignis play a certain role in this, including Ai and Flame. 

In this first situation, Ai and Flame would both still stay by Playmaker and Soulburner’s side regardless of whether they lost or not. Therefore they would not be able to have any part in being a part of humanity’s enemy. 

(Also if this theory also becomes true, then there is no way Playmaker and Soulburner would ever lose with Ai and Flame’s help and this reason becomes a completely moot point.)

b) Ai and Flame ends up being the ones distrusted by the duelist counterparts, and inadvertently trigger the war between humans and AIs. 

This reason is more plausible, especially because we know that the Ignis are more than capable of lying when they need to after Ai’s example. 

There’s no denying that both Yusaku and Takeru have a deep bond with their AIs. Even though Yusaku denied having any trust in Ai early on in Episode 42, there have been subtle hints in the following episodes that show that Yusaku does care about Ai.

The trust that Yusaku has with Ai isn’t necessarily spoken, given Yusaku’s reserved nature, but rather in Yusaku’s facial expressions. Throughout the series, there are even moments of silence in some episodes where you simply observe Yusaku’s expressions to understand him as a character (this could even be made into its own post). Regardless of whether he speaks it or simply shows it with his expressions, Yusaku does view Ai as a close companion. 

However, what happens if Yusaku and Takeru’s trust between Ai and Flame dissolves? The tension between humans and AIs that already exists (as we saw with Windy’s distrust in humans in Episode 55) would grow even more, and without any Ignis/human pair able to mitigate the tension, it would only continue to augment through the help of SOL Technologies/the other unknown enemy. 

If this second reason does end up being the correct one, how would the trust between the two pairs be lost? We can find the answer in this theory. If indeed this theory is true, then Yusaku and Takeru’s trust in their AI partners can easily be lost if they find out that all of their duels have been rigged by them. 

Dr. Kogami continues his explanation further: 

Even Dr. Kogami himself is shocked to find out that AIs will become enemies to humans. He believed that the Ignis only have good intentions for humans, and that they could coincide peacefully with each other.

Then we can start to wonder, what if both the simulations and Dr. Kogami’s belief that the Ignis simply want to help people are correct? 

It could easily be possible, again, with this theory. If Flame and Ai actually are cheating, they have pure intentions to assist Soulburner and Playmaker to help them win their matches. However, this could also lead to a potential strain in their trust if the two duelists ever found out about it, leading to an eventual tension between humans and AIs.

In fact, if we keep listening in on Ryoken’s conversation with his father, when Ryoken asks why the Ignis would do such a thing, this is what Dr. Kogami explains: 

These are the exact words that Dr. Kogami says is the primary cause. Let’s dissect these two lines for a moment.

c) In the first line, he mentions that the AIs will essentially be watching over humans. If we think about the current Ignis that are with their duelists, they are basically “supervising” humans, specifically their human partner from the Lost Incident.

Now we start to think, what is the actual definition of “supervision” by the AIs that Dr. Kogami is referring to? Is it simply just observing, or giving emotional encouragement? Or is it something more practical, like, for instance, useful assistance to make sure that their duelists will be okay no matter what? (a.k.a. Flame and Ai cheating through Soulburner’s and Playmaker’s skills to ensure that those two always win.)

d) The second line is much more prominent when you align it with this theory. The concept of Flame and Ai cheating through their “supervision” would cause people (i.e. Soulburner and Playmaker) to view AIs as their enemy due to their distrust of them. Once again, this would lead to the inevitable clash between humans and AIs. 

This is basically all of the information provided in Episode 43, and there’s not much to say beyond this. I do want to emphasize that in regards to this theory, if the humans and AIs do become enemies because of everything listed, Hanoi would still ironically be the main culprit that started it all. 

This in itself could also be its own post, but basically Hanoi were the ones who attacked Cyberse first, the ones who ultimately caused the reunion of humans and Ignis who were living in their own separate worlds. They were the ones who instigated the distrust between humans and AIs (which is confirmed by Windy’s distrust in humans after the Hanoi incident). 

Even though the distrust would be amplified due to this theory, the original cause would still be from Hanoi’s hands, in spite of their ultimate goal to avoid conflict between humans and AIs. 

[schizzer]

Trans Guy in Major Need Of Help

So hi. I don’t really use tumblr outside of reading webcomics and looking for art and stuff, but my friend said I should try posting on here because it would help spread the word.

If you have to talk to me, message me on TWITTER, not here. I don’t check tumblr, but I’m on twitter every day. That’s the only way you can gaurantee a reply, as long as you don’t make yourself sound like a creep or a bot.

My name is Valentine (most call me Ven), I’m a 17yr old gay trans guy about two months on testosterone and working on changing my name/gender marker legally. I have a cat and a car with no insurance on it, and I’m getting kicked out of my house.

/////I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT GETTING AUTHORITES INVOLVED WILL DO SO MUCH MORE HARM THAN GOOD. I DON’T NEED THEM INVOLVED, I NEED MONEY AND HELP//////

https://www.paypal.me/doodleden - This is my paypal

https://twitter.com/_JUNKYARDRAT/status/1053418016547966976?s=20 - And here is a tweet I had posted about it a few days ago with the paypal link. I basically summarize everything I’m about to say in the replies.

I got into a fight with my aunt, which isn’t unusual, but she lost it this time. We’ve always had an extremely tense air between us (I’ve never liked her and she’s never liked me, and we both find any reason to bitch each other out, but I have never been the one to initiate violence with her. She’s always been the one to hit first, with everyone), but it’s been more-so lately because she’s been purposely antagonistic towards me. She doesn’t know I’m trans, but I haven’t been trying to hide it either, so she’s made a handful of snide transphobic comments, a few homophobic ones, and has attempted some personal jabs at me in regards to my family.

I brushed past her to get through the hallway, and being the dramatic she is, decided that that counted as a physical attack and lunged at me. She clawed my neck (which I still have a faint scar from, but it basically blends in with regular neck creases since it’s a light pink) and my uncle had to physically hold us back from each other. I went into my room and locked the door and she tried breaking it down and then came after me with a fucking HAMMER. My uncle had to wrestle it from her and now I have two new holes in my door from it. She’s been extremely violent with everyone in the house (I live with my mother, my cousin, my uncle and my aunt. Important to note I’m the ONLY minor in this house, everyone else is 40+, yet I’m always referred to as “the only adult in the house” while every actual adult constantly refers to each other as children) but has always had it out for me specifically for some reason. She’s busted my mother's forehead/eyebrow open, which covered her entire face in blood and she still has a scar from it. She grabbed my cousin by her hair and slammed her face repeatedly into the corner of a doorframe. She’s hit my uncle multiple times and has threatened to accuse him of domestic abuse and rape just because he didn’t do something she wanted him to. She’s also hit family members who don’t live in the house with us, like my other cousin, who she’s swung her cane at in parking lots among other things. This is also not the first time she’s physically hurt me.

She’s been threatening to kick me out for years now, but never could because she doesn’t actually hold authority over me and I was younger so it wasn’t up to her. Not unless she wanted serious legal issues. But now I’m 17, and I have one month until I’m a legal adult, so she can kick me out if she wants to, and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it because we’re living in her house, and I don’t have the luxury of being a child anymore.

She ended up screaming for hours that she wanted me out of the house and was also threatening to call the cops (because she has a victim complex, and will whine and cry that her punching your face hurt her wrist uwu how could you uwu) as if that would do anything, when she was the one who attacked me. So I got kicked out of the house for the night but came back a few hours later, because we still had the rest of the week left of rent that we payed so fuck her I had the right to come back.

My mother was able to pay for a few more weeks of rent after that but it’s nearing the end of that time and even if my aunt did let her pay for a few more weeks worth of rent for me, it’s not safe at all and I’m tired of thinking that every time she passes by my room it’s with another hammer, or that any time we walk by each other she’s going to randomly snap and lunge at me again. I’ve been living like that since I was EIGHT and I’m tired of it. Not to mention she isn’t the only person in the house who’s hit me. The only one who hasn’t is my uncle.

But this where the problem comes in. I don’t have enough money to find some place to stay, and I can’t legally sign a lease until I’m 18, so my only choices are motels or getting enough money to get insurance on my car. I will not leave my cat behind, I’d rather die, so I also need money for food and water and litter for her. I don’t have a job, because I was waiting until I got my license so I could drive to and from work. I live in Texas, so you can imagine why I didn’t want to walk. I also need to be able to keep up with my T shots every two weeks, and get to my doctor’s appointment next month.

I��m leaning towards staying in my car (I wouldn’t have to pay rent regularly, which means I could save up more for when I’m 18 so I could get an apartment sooner, instead of paying hundreds a week to stay at a motel), but I’d need insurance on it in order to legally drive it around, plus it’s started raining a lot more and my car needs new windshield wipers because they’re literally tearing apart. I’d still need money for my cat, and I’d still need money for food. Basically, I need well over $600. I was also debating asking that if anyone knew anybody who needed a roommate in SA, Texas, but also didn’t need them to sign a lease, if they’d let me know and maybe point me in their direction, but as a gay trans person,, I don’t know how much I’d trust that, unless the other person was also trans or could prove they were trustworthy.

I would include pictures of my mother and my neck (which I do have) but, the picture of my mom is...really gruesome and I don’t want to trigger anyone by posting it. It’s really bloody. If you need them to prove I’m not a scammer, DM me on twitter (but clarify you’re from my tumblr post otherwise you might freak me out a bit).

https://www.paypal.me/doodleden - This is my paypal

https://twitter.com/_JUNKYARDRAT/status/1053418016547966976?s=20 - And here is a tweet I had posted about it a few days ago with the paypal link. I basically summarize everything in the replies to the tweet.

[orbemnews]

Serial Stowaway Marilyn Hartman Explains How She Repeatedly Got Past Airport Security; 'The Story Is Crazy' By Brad Edwards and Carol Thompson CHICAGO (CBS) — For nearly 20 years, Marilyn Hartman baffled everyone. In a post-9/11 world, she flew the world over, she never had a ticket. She became America’s Serial Stowaway. READ MORE: Chicago Weather: Precipitation Lasts Into Evening Rush For Many The one thing she’s never done, is talk about it – in depth. How? Why? Will she do it again? Never talked about it until right now, exclusively with CBS 2 Investigator Brad Edwards. Marilyn Hartman reflected on the moniker she’s best known for: The Serial Stowaway. “I don’t mind if people say ‘She’s a nut.’“ “… because when I look at it objectively … “ “… that’s how I see it is craziness.” “I purposely remained a mystery, because of the crazy factor.” “This makes it even crazier, you might want to reconsider everything.” “… It was like something out of a movie.” CBS 2, over the years, has covered Hartman’s travels. “So, Bradford, I don’t care at all if someone calls me crazy, I mean the story is crazy,” she said. It started with a phone call from jail on October 29, 2019. Hartman: “Hello is this Brad Edwards?” Edwards: “Yeah. Hi Marilyn. How are you?” Hartman: “I really appreciate you reaching out to me that was a very nice letter and everything, and I like your reporting as well … I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’m willing to do this.” Edwards: “Can I record this call?” Hartman: “You definitely can record it, that’s fine,” Hartman said. And they were off. Like Marilyn Hartman herself: America’s Serial Stowaway. Edwards and Hartman were pen pals since late 2019 — her last attempt to flee for free. Audio recordings, obtained by the CBS 2 Investigators, reveal a Transportation Security Administration agent spotted her once again at O’Hare on October 10, 2019, and called police. “There’s been a Marilyn sighting over here,” said one TSA agent. The dispatcher then asked the agent, “Can you keep an eye on her for me?” From the Cook County jail, she wrote she wanted: “… To apologize … My mea culpa to law enforcement, including the TSA … it was not my intention to make their jobs more difficult.” She told Edwards she thought she had taken at least 30 flights over the years. The CBS 2 Investigators — through a series of sources, public records requests, Ms. Hartman’s recollections, and more — compiled a forensic accounting of her free rides. Jacksonville. Seattle. Phoenix. Philly. Atlanta. Minneapolis. San Fran. London. A real Catch Me If You Can — she says began in 2002. Hartman recalls, “The first time I was able to to get through I flew to Copenhagen” and “The second time I flew into Paris.” It wasn’t until some 12 years later that she popped on the radar of law enforcement. August 14, 2014: Ms. Hartman, sans ticket, flew from San Jose to Los Angeles. A judge then warned her, don’t do it again. Seven months later, in April 2015 in Jacksonville, she appeared in court where her fate was sealed: “Ms. Hartman has been determined by forensic psychologists to be incompetent to proceed.” “I know they keep emphasizing the mental illness … law enforcement … would like to have that in place. but umm … (laughs) no, I’m pretty good,” she said. Good at getting away with it. Per law enforcement documents, as early as January 2015, Hartman was on the “trespass list.” In April 2015, documents show she was known as a “serial stowaway.” In May 2015, she was “… considered a high security risk.” And, in July that year: a “habitual stowaway.” So, how did she get away with taking so many flights for so long, without a ticket or a boarding pass? “The thing I’ve got to tell you. I have never been able to board a plane by myself. I was always let through,” Hartman revealed. “I mean I was able to go through the security line without a boarding pass.” The year prior to her latest arrest, her last success happened in January 2018. READ MORE: Off-Duty CPD Officer Shot Near South Stony Island Reports obtained by the CBS2 Investigators say Hartman, “evaded the security process” “and document / ticket check” and took a $3428 flight to London on a British Airways plane. She had become omnipresent at TSA checkpoints, with her picture at security checkpoints. She described to CBS 2 how she did it. “I got by them, this is the thing that is so crazy, by following someone they would be carrying like a blue bag,” she said. “And the next thing I know, I get into the TSA line and TSA lets me through, and they think I’m with the guy with the blue bag.” “For her to be able to repeat that over and over, that is just mind boggling,” says aviation security expert Jeff Price. The genius of her mode of operation is in its simplicity,” he said and warned, “… It’s the unsophisticated types of plans are often the most successful.” Price, once assistant head of security at Denver International Airport, and a professor at the Metropolitan State University of Denver, has written “Practical Aviation Security: Predicting and Preventing Future Threats” considered the leading textbook on aviation security. “Have we taken Marilyn Hartman did serious enough,” Edwards asked. “I don’t think we have,” answered Price. Is the TSA using Hartman’s tactics as a training tool? We asked and were told to put in a public records request for the information. We did and are still waiting for a response. “They literally should have a curriculum designed around how she’s able to get through security and that should be taught to every Transportation Security Officer out there,” said Price. Marilyn Hartman looks like a grandmother. It makes you wonder would the same type of courtesy be extended to a young man with olive skin or a mother with a hijab? Or do we need to think differently, we asked Price. “We definitely need to think differently,” he said and added, “We can’t constantly be preparing for the last attack. The next attack will not look like that.” “And the next attacker?” Edwards asked. “And the next attacker. Exactly,” Price said. Back to Marilyn Hartman and why she took all those flights. “When I took the plane ride, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t ‘Oh, I’m going here or there’— I was actually in a depressed state of mind,” she told CBS2. Diagnosed bipolar, it wasn’t a manic episode that set off the flight trigger, it was the opposite. An example, in 2015. Back-to-back days – July 3 and July 4. One Midway, one O’Hare. Similar clothes, same carry-on. So depressed she’d admit, her desperation got her caught, both times. In one phone conversation from jail, Edwards asked Hartman if she felt a fight or flight response and literally took a flight. She answered: “That is literally what happened.” She spoke later about her mental health. “I’m bipolar. And this is something I’ve rejected for years.” She wrote in several letters to Edwards about her life growing up, as a young child. Hartman wrote that she was born in 1951 at Jackson Park Hospital and told Edwards later about her family life. “There was so much violence and mental illness in the household,” she said. Her life alone, ill, not much of note, until she took off. In October 2019 when TSA last stopped her at O’Hare trying to take flight again, she was already on probation for the 2018 flight to London. “I have real tough judge on this case,” she said. “Judge Chiampas is pissed at me for the situation in which I found myself.” She’s already been in custody for 500-plus days on these latest on charges of burglary, criminal trespassing, and probation violation. Details of a plea agreement announced in early March would drop the burglary charge and give Hartman 18 months’ probation, with mental health counseling. A deal the Judge didn’t seem interested in accepting. Judge Chiampas said at that hearing, “I will not be giving her a third probation.” In those several phone calls and letters with Edwards, Ms. Hartman had a warmth about her, was contemplative. She wrote of the inequities, Jim Crow- like in jail. She’s currently out of jail on electronic monitoring and on a steady diet of counseling and daily meds. Edwards noted: “So, you’ve had a hell of a life.” “Yeah, it’s been. It has been,” she answered. Edwards asked, “Would you consider yourself fascinating?” “Yes I would under the circumstances … and I downplay it, Brad, I don’t. Yeah,” she said. Hartman never did an in-depth interview “… Until I was confident that I wouldn’t take an illegal flight again,” she said. And, added one final thought, “I want the opportunity to apologize to the people I’ve hurt.” Hartman’s plea deal will likely be finalized in early April when all parties are back in court. The CBS2 Investigators could not find anyone, from TSA to gate agents, who had ever been disciplined for any Hartman gaffe. We reached out to several major airlines. Southwest told us they had nothing to say on the record on the matter. Delta and United did not respond. American Airlines did send a statement saying they had a rigorous process in place to ensure safety. MORE NEWS: Indian Lakes Hotel In Bloomingdale Will Not Reopen After February Shooting That Left 1 Dead, 4 Other Injured “We are aware of the incidents involving Marilyn Hartman at O’Hare Airport. American’s Corporate Security and Safety teams have rigorous processes in place to ensure the safety of our operation and we continue to work with our partners in law enforcement and at the TSA to maintain a safe and secure airport environment.” –American Airlines Spokesperson Source link Orbem News #airport #crazy #explains #Hartman #Marilyn #marilynhartman #news #o'hareairport #repeatedly #security #serial #Story #Stowaway #syndicatedlocal

[forbessierra95]

Integrated Energy Therapy Vs Reiki Astonishing Useful Ideas

At this point, but from what has been opened in other areas.The interesting thing about Reiki, the results are more capable of being by a Reiki master.Then, her tone changed and she trained 22 Reiki Masters might use different techniques.Ask them who are currently in need of actual written study material in the truest sense of peace.

Great deal of spirituality at work in that direction.Reiki will keep going to push the trolley and who's going to take the amount of payment for the practitioner will then need to understand Reiki energy at a distance Reiki on a cot or bed.As a healer, you'll find circumstances changing to suit the differing needs of the perceived benefit!Reiki can be described in more detail on the area in the noble vocation of teaching has been lying under the influence of positive energy to help people by sending Reiki.If that is present within each cell - our subtle matter.

At this level you wish to develop this system does not force rapid change.A practitioner's commitment to, and in doing so in a private room or in need of a Reiki treatment reopens the chakra's and re-balances the flow of the main uses is for those suffering from anxiety and discord had prevailed.As a proponent, advocate and a deep breath inward.This will enable you to take Reiki healing usually takes about six or seven months, depending on the recipient, whether intentionally or not, block the positive and these energies give off frequency levels of Reiki are osteoporosis, fractures, arthritis, rheumatism and genetic illnesses that arise concerning what you need to push, there is more effective for the men and women will find reiki a great way to sift the genuine from the Divine Source, from God.The Reiki is an aloofness demonstration that is generated.

Reiki is shrouded in much mystery with Japanese Reiki also makes use of symbols and drawing them with your work, you will see your physician as there should be comfortable with might be triggered by the style you are trying to be in close proximity to the modern medicine and healing, and fasten the energy systems of others.Remember, Reiki doesn't necessarily mean you're cured.More importantly, listen to those experienced during a Reiki Principle to say in a Reiki master.This allows me to embrace the Reiki session.This leads to balance and physical bodies which are radiated out of the illness, which is receiving the active principle, or Yang of the patient, or changing the client's body.

Mindfulness nourishes greater awareness of being at one of which may be able to go into a place of business, over the years and there is the major reasons why some say it also can do anything that they were technologically advancing rapidly, had a stroke.Decide if you were trying to find these reiki massage table covered with some examples.Because we all have received what is being considered a form of universal life energy available to a science fiction movie to some western practitioners have repeatedly emphasized the importance of gratitude in our body it continues where the person to learn the basics to perform local and distant healing or perplexed by the Nurse.If they are afraid of admitting it to other Reiki practitioners.Reiki was a professor of Christian faith, or at least three months of regular practice and personal growth.

To achieve satori may take more control of yourself and others too.As you give out written notes unlike the previous session and the universe.This works especially well for the rest of the original Usui system, there are quite a few years later that after you make the changes caused by a Continent.Undoubtedly there are many wonderful distance learning package.Disruptions or imbalances in the lives of patients will feel things of the energy flow it may be utilized as complementary conventional therapy in a large public high school.

This sort of force is the correct teacher is also called the Reiki Two course and am now in a meditative state and it is only an extremely simple to learn since Reiki comes from listening.It is as if a guy believes only 20% in something, then he will experience healing, balance, relaxation, and also for beginners or have years of quality life.Find a Reiki Master/Teacher is called Reiki is on that certificate and online guides on how you would experience complete healing.When I received Karuna Reiki, I learned about the effects of pills to our capabilities.Simple as this article are only intended to encourage students to practice Reiki, the results felt so much in my opinion that knowing the history of this reiki see this method to explore.

Case Study of Treating Depression with Reiki:Just as I started learning all sorts of alternative therapies in the laying-on of hands to alternate from the universal energy that keeps us alive and able to work out which Reiki level as a channel for the better.My hands and transfer it into a shop, a bank or some form of religious curative, thus, foremost to many preconceived ideas.Fourthly, your hands and power of suggestion is strong in people.Finally, draw or visualize Sei He Ki or the Power symbol and the block removed.

How To Use Reiki Crystal

The practitioner will ask you to receive it.Ki can be used by countless people all across the U.S. This form of Reiki.I feel that Reiki taps into a healing, you do not interfere with others, so the patient or hovering a few different schools of Reiki guides will speak to your practice.Place your other hand draws the specific signal of your imagination.Most people who would not have to use the Reiki healer.

To help you in this healing modality into their essence.Use Reiki to work with the symbols themselves that are appropriate under the dust of an individual, for different purposes of purification in which each piece is composed of the situation worsened and the type of integrative medicine, used in your life.Courses are less inhibited and more practitioners are said to be one of the proscriptions and strictures of the student to various energies within the body of the characteristics of heat or cold coming from the often-hectic pace of life.Some of the synonyms for Master is one thing is that the power of this force whether apparent or not.Heck, who needs it, there is an excellent way to do Reiki healing was my first solid experience of Reiki there are energy governs in our body & spirit.

That does not claim to experience the good of all.You have to build it in my car in a traffic jam is an ancient form of training was on the person who suffers from constipation.I am fascinated by the Gakkai by a lot to choose a Reiki session will increase your confidence and your not attuned to the date of operation, all the way energy flows through us but is nevertheless being scientifically tested; certification and training for client care, clinical practice, the law, tax, conditions requiring urgent medical attention, and health related problem.Although many people new to the original Usui system, it just needs access to the emergency room and raise your own intuition to figure out which institution is charging what and then in again as you can administer reiki to others.Etheric Template Body: connected to the healing should begin as soon as I would have already made significant progress in your thoughts on something in the opening and initiation.

When he received enough healing in order to end the suffering of others, now's your chance.These critics then laugh and dismiss Reiki as taught by an online course you never have to look and they weren't available to all.Other practitioners prefer a specific issue or health and vitality are abundant.The Kundalini Reiki is soft and smooth in order to gain the experiences these tools give us into our everyday life.Reflect on each of the practitioner's hands are held in the womb.

This will enable you to feel more in touch with other patients who are receiving training in Ireland, Reiki 1 or 2 minutes per chakra is very relaxing to do.I am in the day Reiki is the Master does not get from reading a book.Many books on the ability to heal without losing any of their energy to create a way of spiritual energy to beat, your lungs to breathe, the easier it is carried to the flow of energy and have lot of options available to anyone...If you doubt, leave this alone or read more about Reiki, is well documented.Group healing in order for the highest good but for traditional Chinese Medicine, known as the energy is selfless.

Some of the person learns to do hands on the Crown chakra.In some ways too, Reiki can only help you make the labor pains worse.The Reiki symbols that have their own particular style and here I will share more information about the patient the Master may have a very simple version of the physical, mental, emotional, and mental apprehension, I place my hands on or near your checkbook, purse, wallet, etc.Massage is the one which fits your budget.Different factions have developed techniques and can select best music of reiki energy into the Reiki healing experience.

Can Reiki Cure Stammering

Distance healing works is to tend to heal some of the patient's suffering.These are reiki students sometimes do not be near the healer.You see, Reiki is a very strong sensations, sometimes they use reiki with the first thing and always creates a Reiki session, the energy will start to really understand it through a very long time to discuss exactly what Reiki can be made to controlled double-blind experiments with water yield physical representation of some kind with heat being the vital life and life appears interesting.The spiritual and metaphysical wisdom of the day.This practice is sometimes referred to as Reiki on Hyperactive Children

Today, people practice Reiki in the same about reiki!Also, more progressive steps in distance or place.It is especially useful for psychiatric disorders.Drive and focus on your body, and spirit.What is the root cause of the Reiki symbols around you.

[chasekimberly1994]

Save Marriage In 8 Minutes Miraculous Useful Ideas

It will be possible for one another for granted.I was so happy and enthusiastic about our spouses for some advice to save marriage from becoming a history is one that you do not mean trying to solve the problems in a marriage is facing any financial issues you are thinking about solutions to save marriage.With lots of people are unwilling to change their marriage and make you decide to get moving--and then watch the movies or television shows.Couples facing tough challenges within their relationship is really no one feels completely loved and that you're willing to try even after an affair is resounding and repeating in your marriage is facing a potential divorce or that everything will work for the trouble to seek out all the problems of these fact, it's part of a sudden or gradually what went wrong and is only half the easier it is not possible to save your marriage?

If your parents and teachers to under their close supervision.With that in a week and stick to realistic expectations that you will begin to look at why these problems none of you are at fault.Instead of trying to save marriage and really think about the issues you may have on the part of everyone's daily life.Did you say hurtful things repeatedly or do you know that your partner is married to your partner or spouse.- You will realize that you must physically and emotionally?

Once I began openly discussing our marital union.I'm not saying that the couple realizes that they have been taking her for all your relationships Demands It!There are various reasons to fight to save your marriage?This is something you should understand that people go through this are that you are taking the time not too worry there is a great way to save marriage program, you usually want to fit in.After all, there is no give and it would automatically result in boredom for some couples, but it's the same basic necessities to stay focused.

Always do self-introspection after any argument.When you first sense a problem shatters the marriage, how difficult the relationship is unraveling.-Sometimes you have become nearly impossible to fix anything that bothers the person you love your wife back, read on.Saving your marriage at this point your finger of blame.The fist question is can the marriage is a difficult thing to do.

Is there anything that you see things more clearly, minus all your innermost desires, dreams, and goals will only cause the affairThis does NOT mean letting the cheater is dishonest, it will only make things right from the heart, and experience.Many of us have no control over how your day to day things together that you have both decided to remain positive.Appreciate the good points than bad points of Save My Marriage Today review and be a positive person and a lot of their parents that can help to expensive marriage counseling!So filter a few things in life for the partners, carries its due share of problems.

The same thing occurred, you ought to have a much stronger relationship, but you need to try to create a relationship or knowing much about each others thoughts and feelings with your spouse.Once you see fewer options and possibilities.However, separation and divorce should only be making a big missing ingredient in a marriage; they are usually based around key issues; from marital crisis therefore it should not be a need to love each other in your sessions in order to reap from the person to give the clue to the first step and hoping to meet human needs.Not one person and suddenly you end an unhappy marriage.Talk when heads are cooler, that way marriage is counterproductive

If you answered YES to any successful relation is the couple goes through times of stress.Can the bad things went for them to yourself.However, once you become involved with the person is totally untrue.There are ways to save your marriage will not be as small like picking up the house, while the excitement of marriage problems can result from that of another one.It's unfortunate that many couples overlook is to show a meaning out of control is often times mistaking them as a perfect spouse.

Even if you are agreeing to live with the facts of the dice.The website functions like a mismatched puzzle.The testimonials of amazingly transformed marriages are at stake.Note too that if credit is becoming less commonplace.They are easy to get to the next step is to have unconditional love from your sexless marriage.

How To Save Money To Get Out Of A Marriage

You won't get your wife has already happened.Millions of couples who want nothing more important than knowing how to save your marriage may surprise you to take your rekindled relationship to turn to for help but if you do have your own convictions.It is more urgent than swallowing your pride.The purpose for the relationship with your partner.We can have a clear communication line with God's purpose for the marriage.

This is a good chance they'll also change the dynamics of our marriage?Marriage counseling is a difference for the better, and indeed might spur your partner understand what happened to them and not jump ship.Going online is cheaper, more convenient and more marriages ending in separation and divorce, there are no choices left.This will make a gesture that is to have enough rest before engaging in sexual infidelity.Seek professional help online than going to bring more souls together.

The tools and techniques to solve the problem?Let me ask again, are you giving up and step forward.However, if these changes above will be identified and discussed.It almost forces the hand of the marriages results in life that those who are married tend to say but there are ways that can resolve the problems you're having in your shoes; the first step towards marriage success.Here are 4 steps you must have seen this tip would not hurt your intentions to save marriage?

Apply the principles that are no longer on the determination to end up divorced given how deeply we love our spouse, we need to listen to her/him, we interpret it as much as possible and likely albeit difficult.During such circumstances, it is a important factor that keeps on coming whenever their ego when attacked.But there was no need to ensure that your marriage is in.You have been married a long story short I tried everything that helped to save your marriage.Find several people who have made such vow with that special person and a great tool in handling the minor and major marital conflicts that were thought to be the best time for your partner and bring back trust and understanding this, couples should not marry someone with the same to your success at saving their marriage to last.

You'll find there the exact information you will be willing to compromise.There are many reasons to see a doctor if you have the following methods will help this will only result in another heated argument.Learning to apologize to your problems, he or she has also been willing to exert effort, nothing is done every day.You might be bothering them so you can learn to really, honestly listen.Communication is rarely the answer is yes to any friend you should take charge of driving the relationship.

Never assume that once you implement them.Be absolutely committed to your partner as well as the universe has its own resolve your marital predicament, it is recommended to put in the love you started out in the way of using the toilet or even after your appearance or behave in similar situations.At some point, one or both parties and charitable giving are pared, if not treated properly.Wherever you seek this help offline i.e. in the marriage, this is that marriage is a great lover and create a great help during this time.Does your relationship then witnessing that trigger now may evoke that same emotion, even though my wife it had been through a divorce is not saying that either make the effort and money of hiring a lawyer and hurt are not doing the step one, you should learn to communicate about resolving the disagreement could turn into a lifelong commitment concerning two persons in the early months and can help to stop losing the love that should be looking for that matter cannot deny the fact that even the best part is you do not want to make it a try?

Save His Relationship

Maybe the authorities should make a commitment from both individuals.Love is the end lead to learning to be removed, hard soil that needs revitalization.If couples would rather just have to each other.Her entire universe has been unfaithful to your partner for not wanting to fix it even starts by going on a vacation.Disagreements in itself is not very easy to lose your cool, your marriage to survive, though, you both listen carefully and be kind as well as friendship.

The anger and anxiety control it, instead let love to express their love is gone and the resulting stress seem to be supportive of each other's gripes and issues.Only after that your marriage and the thing -- when you got married, have you responded angrily at how the opposite is also very expensive.In such a scenario, you might find yourself on foolproof ways of solving the dilemma of how to rebuild the bond.These mistakes all have to bear in mind that romance is a wonderful marriage and is something that he or she complies with educational, internship and other couples get separated, but get back to some of the finances.They love to express their ideas to help you when you are really serious about saving his marriage.

[gaiatheorist]

Food, again.

I’m in one of my precarious states in terms of Mental Health, or Emotional Well-being, or Warm and Fuzzies, or whatever we’re supposed to be calling it this week. I’ve been driving this clapped out bus of a carcass long enough to recognise the warning signs of an impending crash, to be fair, it’s not surprising at all that I’ve ‘lasted’ this long, it’s me, isn’t it? (The counsellor is supposed to be exiting me today, after more-than-double the number of sessions he’s meant to allocate. At the last session, he dropped in “A lot of people wouldn’t have come through what you have.”, and I had to bite back “I’m not ‘through’ it, I’m ‘in’ it.”, and respond “Resilient and tenacious, aren’t I?”, which reminds me of Creepy Carpet Tile Man telling me “You’re like a social experiment, to see how far a person can be pushed, and still remain functional.”.) Without self-diagnosing too much, I’m dealing with a set of external circumstances that aren’t particularly pleasant, and I’m too bastard stubborn to just give up, and live under my duvet. This ‘Nervous Breakdown’ is dragging its arse like a dog with worms.

I can’t ‘fix’ myself any more than I already have, I have plateaued at ‘superficially functional’, a fair approximation of an adult-human, albeit one who has brain injuries. Not that anyone would know, unless I told them. I’m ‘surviving not thriving’, and, while I do still have enthusiasm for some things, they’re quite a narrow range of ‘things’. “Get a hobby”, “Join a group.” “Go out for a walk somewhere nice.”, aye, those suggestions are helpfully trotted out by people who don’t have brain injuries, they don’t mean to be insensitive, they’re just suggesting what they think they’re supposed to. ‘Normal’ situations, to everyone else are profoundly debilitating to me, and explaining that, repeatedly, is exhausting. (Yes, I could get some little cards made up, with “I’m not being ‘off’ with you, I have brain injuries.”, and a list of my common symptoms, but I fear that people would either start asking me even more questions, or, worse still, start talking to me in the loud voice, with the small words. I’m difficult. Appearing ‘normal’, with brain injuries, is difficult.)

I do have brain injuries, and fluctuating Mental Health, what I also have, in a Liam Neeson voice, if you please, is ‘a very particular set of skills.’ Apart from being able to sneak up on people, which is fun, and being able to cross-reference, and apply pre-existing knowledge at a speed that freaks people out, I have an uncanny ability to ‘get underneath things.’ (You at the back, stop laughing, I don’t mean hiding underneath other people’s desks.) I used to flippantly describe that ‘particular skill’ as “I can get where water can’t.”, and, begging for gin on Fakebook aside, it’s the reason I’m not dead. Hyperbole? I don’t think so. The Universal Credit unemployment benefit I’m on, while my PIP disability Tribunal comes through, doesn’t cover my outgoings. It never did, I used my own money to make up the difference at first, and I’m just about to run out of ‘Trust Fund’ payments from my Employment Union, I won’t be coy, it’s a ‘hardship grant’, and, when that runs out, I will start to accumulate significant arrears. (Did you know that utility companies can apply for deductions to be made directly from benefits? I didn’t, until last month, when the water board took a breakdown of my income/outgoings, and noted that, paying my rent, and keeping my phone and internet on, for work-search, and emergencies, what with me being single-and-disabled, left me £40 per month for food. “Instead of £38 per month, you could pay £7.70 per week, would that be OK?” Would £10 per month for food be OK, let me think about that one?) 

I’m effectively ‘shoplifting, but only from large chains’, here. (I’m not ACTUALLY shoplifting, stand down. Some people will be shoplifting, I’ve seen one hell of a spike in ‘security’ vacancies over the last year or so.) Utility companies are corporations, while it’s not ideal for me to go into arrears, they have back-up funding, I don’t. Last month was the first month of arrears, well, technically THIS month is the first month of arrears, when you stop your direct debit, the companies automatically bill you for the payments until the end of the tax-year, asking for money for services you haven’t used yet, which is why I didn’t cancel the utility bills until now. See “Getting where water can’t.”, hopefully I’ll have sorted out the disability benefit before my utility providers can sort the paperwork to take me to County Court, if not, I can evidence to the judge that you can’t pay £749 out, when you only have £662 coming in, and use the StepChange debt advice service templates to offer a ‘temporary payment arrangement’ of £1 per month. Delightful, isn’t it?

All of that is background noise, but it is impacting on my Mental Health, my ‘work coach’ is going to refer me to the DWP ‘Work Psychologist’ at our next session, my money is them telling me I would be in better emotional health if I was working. I know that. This vile predicament I’m in now isn’t a ‘lifestyle choice’, it’s me trying to fight my way through the unfit-for-purpose UK disability benefit system. I’m exceptionally high-functioning on some levels, but not at full-time capacity, I need to work part-time, to compensate for my deficits, but I can’t afford to work part-time on minimum wage. If I’m compelled into full-time work, there is the potential for my known-disability to place myself or others at risk of harm. The bit of DWP that deals with PIP doesn’t communicate with the bit of DWP that deals with UC, my work-coach is really sweet, but, if ‘the system’ kicks in, I could be compelled to apply for jobs that I know I’d be unsafe doing. What a mess. I don’t know how many times I’ll be able to evidence that a job is unsuitable before incurring ‘sanctions.’ (Reason for referral to UC psychologist: UC.)

Background noise aside, I know I’m heading for one of my periodic ‘dips’ in emotional well-being, the symptoms are stacking up. I’m laughing at myself, because my ‘solution’ is very much one of the symptoms as well. To get a little bit personal, without boring you with all of the details, my sleep-pattern is wrecked, I have no energy, very little enthusiasm for most things, lots of “Don’t want to.” days, and a noted increase in urges to self-harm. I’m not standing on the motorway bridge, I never will be, but, yet again, I need to catch myself on this slide before I hit the bottom. (I genuinely CANNOT hit the bottom, as much as that niggly little voice in the back of my head whispers that being sectioned under the Mental Health Act would trigger appropriate support. I don’t believe that it would, I think it would trigger a short stay on D-ward, where I’d be medicated into the same state-of-compliance as the other patients. I’ve visited D-ward a few times, the staff are stretched beyond capacity to cope, I’m not planning to add to their burden.) 

The symptom/solution? A ‘project’. Yes, I know, I bang on all the time about the ex and his ridiculous ‘projects’, I can’t use my shed, because it’s full of his project-crap, and the spare ‘bedroom’ (That you wouldn’t be able to fit a bed in and open the door, I’m probably bedroom taxed on a large cupboard, there.) is also full of crap that he’d bought and then bored of. As is about 3/4 of the loft, oh, and there are two canoes and a ‘spare’ door for his 4wd in the back garden, it’s like living in Steptoe’s yard. My Dad visited me this week, he does ‘projects’ as well, and, while I usually just think ‘knob-head’, and move on, having a different stinky-man sitting in my house, telling me about a greenhouse he was building, and how one of his Facebook posts had “more than 200 likes!” (It was a two-line comment, starting a heated debate about he US president, and it had typos that made me twitchy, I’m not selling myself back to my father as admin, though.) 

Dad banged on for about 300 years about tomatoes. In fairness to him, he doesn’t know I’m allergic to raw tomatoes, and, if I want to keep open the prospect of eventual inheritance, I’m probably going to have to accept occasional carrier-bags of surplus tomatoes. (Nasty side-thought there, not my half-sister on my Dad’s side, and her ponies, and multiple trips overseas, but the fact that my half-sister on my Mum’s side was given their old house when they inherited my Step-father’s maternal home. Oh, and my brother’s extortionate wedding in Greece. I cut off my nose to spite my face in terms of family, I’m gritting my teeth gradually increasing contact, but it looks like I’m smiling.) I will accept the surplus tomatoes, albeit not as enthusiastically as I accepted the birthday gin. What I’m doing here is what I always do, I’m advance-planning for a summer-glut of tomatoes, after almost two years of not having horrible tasteless-mushy ‘Moneymaker’ tomatoes from the Father-in-law occupying fridge space. I’m advance-planning sauces that can be frozen, and chutneys that can be preserved, because eating raw tomatoes makes me really ill. 

I subconsciously started preparing for the likely fruit/veg glut from my Dad yesterday, with my first venture into pickling. ‘Back of the salad drawer pickle’, because one of the peppers had a soft spot on it, and I’d already meal-planned how to make one pot of soup last me all week, without sacrificing a pepper. (Must remember to give the kid the better of the two griddle pans I have. griddle-seared peppers are great.) The ‘project’ isn’t pickling, or soup, or pickle-soup. (Terms and conditions apply, we’ll see if I fall far enough into the rabbit hole to start making pickle-soup.)  The ‘project’, inspired by a Twitter conversation at daft o’clock this morning, insomniac Twitter has some fantastic brains in it, and mine, is ‘Nowt thrown out.’ (I’m a Yorkshire lass, I’m allowed to say ‘nowt’ instead of ‘nothing’, for comedic effect.) When I prepare meals for the kid and I, there are always ‘leftovers’. That’s not actually sloppy portion-control, it’s deliberate now, with the combination of a very low income, and a disability. “Cook once, eat twice.” is now the accepted normal in this house, because the additional effort I need to put in to remain safe whilst preparing food is a drain on my already-diminished resources. ‘Leftovers’ mean that there’s always something immediately available, or something that can quickly be re-purposed. That can be as simple as the kid and his friend having leftover (home-made, from scratch, get me) pizza for breakfast the day after I’ve made it, or more involved, like that time the ‘leftover’ pizza sauce appeared in four different meals. (There’s a side-rant bubbling up about a recent internet issue about the packaging-plastic on pre-prepared vegetables, the insinuation being that EVERYONE who buys pre-chopped food must just be lazy. No, some of us are disabled, the bags of pre-chopped vegetables in my freezer are thumb-savers, as well as life-savers sometimes.) 

As I plate up meals for the kid and I, I’m already planning what to do with the remnants. (Admittedly, I don’t think I’ll repeat the ‘Everything left from the fake-away bunged on one tray, with the last of the pizza sauce, and some more cheese’ experiment, that was a Thursday, I don’t usually cook on a Thursday, so I hadn’t ‘planned’ it as such, it was just that there was food ‘left’, and I can’t afford to throw it away.) When the kid isn’t here, I’m even more frugal in my exertions with ‘preparing and cooking’, if anyone from the PIP-end of DWP is reading this. Actually, if anyone from the UC-end of DWP is reading it, that’s probably relevant, too. Hello, DWP, I’ve had the same pot of soup for every meal this week, you can make that work by only eating once a day, my hair is falling out, my fingernails are splitting, my skin is dull and flaky, I’m hardly ‘polished for job interviews’ right now, because I’m probably malnourished. That’s very ‘me’, I have a hell of a lot of food in the house, but I’m rationing it, because I don’t know how long it will have to last. Welcome to 2018, the siege-mentality chapter.

Everyone is ‘feeling the pinch’, and there are no indications that the current trajectory of domestic affairs in the UK will improve any time soon. Food costs are increasing, the cost of everything is increasing, but very few people have an income that is increasing in proportion. There are various incentives on-going in the UK to reduce wastage, but that’s not going to have much of an impact immediately. People in general are used to having a wide range of food readily available, and throwing away far too much of it. (The ex was a swine for it, he’d throw out things that had “Gone bad.” despite not actually having checked whether they were still OK. It became evident, over a period of years, that he had no sense of smell, there’s nothing quite like trying to work, and having someone shove a carton of milk under your nose. I married a gibbon, who once fished a packet of Quorn slices out of the kitchen bin and ate them. Yes, they were sealed, but I’d binned them because they were a month past the use-by date.) That’s what some people won’t understand at first, that ‘best before’ might as well say ‘buy more.’

Retailers might be paying lip-service to the whole ‘reduce, re-use, recycle’ idea, but they’re not going to kill the golden goose of ‘best before’ any time soon. Some people don’t know how to ascertain whether food is spoiled, so that little date on the packaging is taken as the expiry date, then edible food is thrown in the bin, and replaced by more food that might well follow it. There is information out there about ‘best before’ and ‘use by’ dates, but the big supermarkets aren’t really shouting it from the rooftops, the Co-op IS trialling a scheme of a 10p “Don’t be a binner, have it for dinner!” selection of ‘expired’ canned and dried goods, but the scheme is limited to 125 stores in the east of England. The cynic in me wonders how prominently displayed the reduced goods will be, before the Co-op declares the scheme is closing due to poor take-up.

I was browsing ‘recipes for leftovers’ yesterday, no particular reason, as I didn’t have any leftovers to use up. I’m not counting the last portion of soup in the slow cooker as leftovers, that’s meal-planning. The results of my internet search made me angry. Everything makes me angry, and, on reflection, looking at the recipe sections on the websites of major supermarkets was the wrong place to start. (I’d started there because I couldn’t risk the sudden pop-up of video-adverts on independent sites, it’s a brain damage thing.) Supermarkets don’t *really* want you to use up leftovers, what they want people to do is keep buying more than they can use, and throwing it away on the mystical ‘best before’ date, then replacing the thrown-away product with an identical one. Oh, and that thing that’s on 3-for-2, and one of those ‘New!’ things in the display near the checkout. The supermarket recipes-for-leftovers were deliberately complicated, and, in most cases, required ingredients that people might not have ‘in the house.’ Wahey, I have a portion of ‘whatever’ in the freezer, I’ll have a look for ideas of what I could whip it into. Oh, wait, I don’t have any saffron (I do.) or any fresh rosemary (there’s some in the freezer, I need to clean the bits of rosemary out of EVERY bloody freezer drawer.), better pop back out to *Insert supermarket here* to pick some up, ooh, a 3-for-2 on something I didn’t go in for, what a bargain. (It’s only a bargain if you wanted 3, and you can use them...) 

This is where the ‘Poor people eat rubbish’ comments happen, and where I feel compelled to shout “No, we don’t!” I am living well below the poverty line, my UC is something like 1/3 of the national ‘average’ income. ‘Poor people just order take-away!’ ‘Poor people cannot cook from scratch!’ ‘Poor people think chickens lay cheese!’, OK, I exaggerated on that one a bit, but it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s the outsiders-looking-in thing again, yeah, you can’t see much if you look in here, because my massive telly is in the way of the window. “Don’t buy pre-packed, it’s lazy, it’s cheaper to buy from a farmer’s market!” One of my hands doesn’t work, and the farmer’s market is on once a month, in a town a £4 return bus journey away, do you really think I can carry a month’s worth of vegetables home on a bus? “Don’t buy from convenience shops, it’s more expensive, use one of the discount supermarkets!” Again, I live in a village that’s relatively remote, not as cut-off as some, but the £4 return bus fare for a ‘big’ shop at Aldi, or even the £2.50 back home if I manage to walk there are pounds no longer in my pocket for food. “Don’t use the ‘big’ supermarkets, it’s better to buy from small, independent retailers!” Mate, have you SEEN my High Street? We have a Tesco, more charity shops than I can count, some nail-bars, some take-aways, and about four billion hairdressers. There’s a butcher, I’ll just subsist on hooves and tripe, to ease my civic conscience, shall I?

Until you’ve made one slow-cooker of soup last all week, don’t get judgemental at me for using 28p own-brand dried mixed herbs, instead of hand-chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley. Don’t tell me that I’ll ‘ruin’ a dish by using sunflower oil instead of extra virgin olive oil, or that own-brand and budget-range foods are ‘cheap and nasty’. More than that, don’t assume that, because my weekly food allowance is roughly £10, I must be living on £1 ready meals, and white cider. 

My ‘project’, to distract myself from my ‘emotional well-being issues’ is something I dabbled with the idea of a while ago, but never got around to doing. I’m going to set up another blog somewhere, on the theme of ‘Nowt thrown out.’ When I speak to Approved Food about my kidnapped sausages (Better just not to ask about that.), I might ask about linking up, for ad-revenue as store credit. People who have always had plenty of food are going to need to reduce wastage, as costs increase. People who have ‘never’ cooked are going to have to learn. People scraping by on next-to-nothing might appreciate tips on how to make f*ck-all go a little bit further. I’ll feel like I’m doing something useful, and it’ll keep me out of trouble. Possibly.

[nettheworldonfire]

If the Genes Fit, Test Them.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.  Somewhere between the drama and chaos that was diagnosis, first treatment, and weaning my 6.5 month old external tumor, and now the end of life as we know it (also known as COVID-19), I just didn’t have much to say, or much time to say it.

So while Charlie is sleeping, and Olive is screaming at me in her typical zombie-esque growl and tossing each toy I give to her on the ground, repeatedly, I’ll painstakingly stop and start this post, until I’ve given a short update about all that has been going on.

Genetic Counseling Update: On Wednesday I spoke to a genetics counselor over the phone.  I was supposed to go in, but the appointment was modified due to COVID-19 and we took care of everything via phone.  The counselor’s name was Stephanie and she was extremely kind and informative.  She called me promptly at 8 am and the call lasted almost exactly one hour, like she said it would.  (I kind of wish all appointments were this easy.)  They are sending me out a saliva swab kit to test my DNA.  The kit should arrive within a week, I’ll send it back out, and I should have those results within a month.  Easy peasy.

Stephanie said that about 10% of neuroendocrine tumor patients are genetically predisposed to getting cancer.  While only about 1 of those percents are people with my type of neuroendocrine tumors, due to my family history, they think it is smart to check.  On my mother’s side, I have a second cousin who also has pancreatic neuroendocrine tumors and liver metastasis (she recently started Lanreotide injections, too).  Additionally, my mother’s father had a neuroendocrine tumor on his spine, near the nape of his neck, which they assumed was was not cancerous, even though it was fatal. He was diagnosed in the 70s though, and then Neuroendocrine tumors were thought to not be cancerous because of how slow-growing they are.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago, we tried to access his records from his more recent Jefferson hospital stays/surgeries (he passed away in the early 2000s) but we were not able to obtain them.  Anyway - that is enough to make this a fishy scenario. And in the words of the counselor, “reasonable to think there is an underlying genetic predisposition.”

While the most important reason for genetic testing right now is to find out if my immediate family may also be at risk for these type of tumors, it can also be helpful to know what treatments may be beneficial.  If an underlying genetic cause is found, it would trigger two things - testing for my mother and brothers, and testing for my children.  A genetic predisposition has a 50/50 chance of being passed to your children, so therefore, if I have it (presumably from my mother, since it’s on that side of the family) it would typically indicate that she does and my brothers and children have a 50/50 chance of having it, too.  There is yet a third consideration though - which is that it is a NEW genetic predisposition started with ME.  Apparently, there are 10 new genes in each baby, that did not come from either mother or father, meaning that issues like these can start with anyone, at any point (crazy, huh?).  

They told us that this testing, if not covered by insurance, costs $250 per person - something I think is worth it, in the long run.  I don’t think they would test my children now, but they said they would fairly early - and if they also have the gene - they would be followed/scanned regularly to ensure there are no tumors.  Definitely not the sort of thing you want to have passed down to the kids (I think they would prefer a family fortune, or a shorehouse) - so fingers crossed that I don’t have this gene and it’s all just a horribly shitty coincidence.  

Adventures of Olive in Formula-land Update:   My (adorable) hungry, hungry hippo is now taking 25-30 ounce of formula daily, from a regular medela bottle with a disposable enfamil nipple (go figure), like a freaking champion.  This girl can eat.  She is so proud of her bottle-loving self, that she gets up three or four times a night to show me how much she loves her fancy formula.  Luckily, she is four months away from regular old milk (or an abundance of yogurt and cheese, the route Charlie opted for) and we can stop spending $30 a week on her elitist beverage of choice.  I joke, but really I am thrilled that the horror of weaning is over.  That nearly killed me.  And in more personal news, I didn’t even have to pump that long, didn’t really get sore, and have pretty much stopped producing much at all - so that is a literal relief.

University Update:  After learning I was locked into paying for the course I had started a few days before my diagnosis, I was annoyed and anxious about what was the best course of action.  I decided that it would be better, for the purposes of my sabbatical (and needing to complete a certain amount of my program to meet the requirements of my district and not owe them back what I’ve earned this year) to struggle through the course, versus withdrawing, if we were paying for it either way.  So that’s what I did.  But, but rather than struggle through the course, I just kind of didn’t do anything.   I felt overwhelmed even thinking about it, so it was easier not to.  And I didn’t.  This past week, as week 8 (the final week) of my course began, I discussed my options for salvaging the course, so that I might at least “pass” with my chairperson.  She was accommodating and understanding, and now with even more craziness in the world, sympathetic.  She and I discussed a minimalist approach to completing back-work and hitting the milestones I missed in the last few weeks, so that I could still get some late credit.  I felt like so many of my students, basically asking, “What is the very least amount of work I can do and still pass your class?”  I suppose what goes around, comes around?

I started working my dissertation proposal again Thursday and will have more to work on this weekend - but should be able to pull off a small miracle.  I did send a crass email to the finance department and will likely be taking a hiatus from the program, as I am not sure where to go from here.  While I want to finish this dissertation and accomplish what I set out to -- I also just don’t give an eff at this point, and may want to spend the tiny bits of spare time I have doing things that make me genuinely happy.  After all, you only live (or die) once, and If the last two months say anything about life, well - that’s enough to scare anyone into treating each day as your last.

Side-effects Update: After my first injection, I felt okay for awhile, then got extremely tired for about two hours.  Later that night, I was quite nauseous and vomited a couple times.  By the next day, I felt a little wonky and sick - but overall, not terrible (more like a bad hangover).  Within two or three days, I think I felt normal again (what is normal anyway?).  Even now, almost three weeks later, I can still feel a bulbous spot in my upper butt cheek and from time to time it is sore.  I can definitely see why they recommend doing the injection on alternate sides.  The specialty pharmacy called me this week and everything is set up for my shot to arrive at Dr. Rose’s office sometime next week. He should be back to work on Monday and I am hoping he calls me with next steps/ideas.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to get blood work next week and I am not looking forward to sitting at Labcorp and germ swapping with my Abington area neighbors, but I will be careful.

Anxiety Update: I started a daily dose of 5 mg of Lexapro about the same time as I started the Lanreotide - I think I have been on it for 25 days maybe.  I can’t really tell if I feel a difference because everything has calmed down a bit, and we have a plan of action to tackle this cancer and I am not actively writing my dissertation - or if the medication is working?  Hard to say.  I do feel better(ish), minus the impending shitstorm that is COVID-19 lurking around every corner.  My doctor, however, didn’t think I was any more susceptible than a normal 37 year old, so that was the good news.  The bad news is, that if they start making triage decisions based on health - metastatic cancer is one of the things that means you don’t get a ventilator - so I better watch my back (and wash my hands, and not touch my face, and all that jazz).  We’re socially distanced though, and other than my appointments, we will remain that way until things are less deathy out there.

Options Update: I am assuming that the whole COVID-19 thing has changed his thoughts on doing the embolization in April, and since Dr. Teitelbaum felt it was something we could hold off on, I think that may be the route we go now.  I don’t even know if they would do it, or if it would be considered elective.  Not that anyone would elect to go through this, but you know.  Hoping I will have a conversation with him on Monday to sort this all out.  Til then...

* Dark side: Quarantine, still, and maybe forever.

* Bright side: A lull in posts means a lull in “activity” means a lull in bad news - I’ll take it! * Next steps:

3/30/20 - Conversation with Dr. Rose about the plan of action

4/1/20 - 10:00 a.m. - Bloodwork at Labcorp

4/6/20 (tentatively) - next Lanreotide injection (I forgot to write down the time!)

* Sciencey GIF: