#i cant stand to see such a miserable look on my moms face night after night

[angeltrapz]

is my dad capable of leaving me alone

[sapphos-poets]

enough (m!mc x f!blaine)

Credit to @i-cant-think-of-a-name-15 for the prompt idea! I had lots of fun with this, I hope you like it :)

Pairing: M!MC (Kennedy Monroe) x F!Blaine Hayes 

Word count: 1.8k

Summary: board game night shenanigans with a sprinkle of pining and angst! also slightly crack-ish. 

"Boardgames," Blaine deadpans. "Seriously? You promised me fun, Rutherland."

"This is fun," Dionne insists. She's sitting with her legs pulled up on the couch, fingers wrapped around a steaming mug of tea, dressed in silk pyjamas. Peter's awkwardly perched next to her, hands clasped in his lap.

Kennedy looks from Dionne to the stack of boardgames on the coffee table in front of him, to Blaine standing in the doorway. He told her to show up at his and Dionne's suite in the evening in comfy clothes for a night-in to celebrate finishing their end-of-term exams. He hadn't specified what they would be doing exactly, but he'd hoped for the best.

And now, she did show up. In a too-large full sleeved top and leggings. That she looks adorable in. It isn’t helping Kennedy's blood pressure.

He clears his throat. "Blaine, come on. We're celebrating!"

She sighs and closes the door to the suite behind her, crossing the room to sit at the other end of the table, opposite Kennedy. Her eyes flick to his for a moment, and then back to Dionne's. "So, what are we playing?"

Kennedy shuffles through the stack on the table in front of him. "Whatever you want."

"There's also a bottle of champagne I've wanted to open since forever," Dionne adds, nodding to the bottle she placed before the couch earlier.

"Fine." Blaine surveys the stack. "How about that one?"

____________________________________________

"Peter.

How?

"

All four of them gaze down at the Jenga tower that's barely holding together. It had already been on the verge of collapsing before, but Peter had managed to somehow wrangle a piece out without upsetting the tower.

Peter shrugs, his discomfort obvious. Dionne gives him an appreciative glance that has him looking away in self-consciousness. "This isn't going to be fun for the next player." She looks to Kennedy, who's staring nervously at the teetering blocks.

"Come on, Rutherland," Blaine smirks, leaning back on her hands. She'd put her hair up in a bun, the loose strands now framing her face. "Don't tell me that you're scared of a board game."

Kennedy squares his shoulders, determination crossing over his features. It's just a board game, it would be fine. And he can't give in to Blaine's teasing. His hand hovers over the tower as he scrutinises it for the safest block to remove. Finally, he selects one and gently pries it out.

The resulting crash is loud enough to tear a little shriek out of him, which sends Blaine doubling over in laughter.

"P-R-E-O-C-C-U-P-I-E-D. That to your P-I-E, and the double word score, gives me 26 points, right?" Dionne glances up from where her pen is poised over the notepad.

Three disbelieving stares gape back at her. Blaine's frozen with a drink halfway to her mouth, Kennedy appears exhausted, and Peter looks like he can’t decide between impressed and amused.

"What?" she says, bending over the notebook again. "I had to be well versed in classic literature and poetry. Part of being a princess."

____________________________________________

"Left hand, red."

"Seriously? Red, again?"

"Yep."

Kennedy suppresses a sigh and looks around the mat. The closet circle is right next to the one Blaine has occupied, which would put him right beside her. On second thought, this was a terrible idea.

As he struggles to manoeuvre himself into the free spot, Blaine calls out to him, "Give up, Rutherland."

"Never, Ardona," he scoffs, settling into his new position. As he glances back at Dionne to ask for the next instruction, she jumps up. "Crap, my phone died—I need to plug it in. Come with me, Peter?"

Great. He doesn't know how long he can hold on in this awkward pose. His arms are already quivering. Blaine smirks from beside him. "Just let go, Rutherland."

He ignores her, focusing on keeping steady. And then, as if he doesn't have enough to worry about, she leans in. He tenses, feeling the warmth of her body. Just her proximity is enough to send his heart-rate into a frenzy. "Blaine," he warns.

She doesn't listen, moving closer. He catches a faint whiff of her soap—she must have showered earlier—now familiar and comforting. It's intoxicating, with the promise of more. With effort, he brings his head back to the game. Just as he opens his mouth to tell her off, he feels a gentle brush of lips on the exposed skin of his neck.

The gesture is the final push. His arms buckle and he collapses onto the mat. From the corner of his eye, he sees her stand and stretch. "Good game, Rutherland," she says.

"Good game?" Kennedy flips around onto his back, the strain of the game combined with the kiss leaving him breathless. She's grinning at him. "You cheated!" he complains, though he can't bring himself to be angry as he takes in the glee on her face.

"It's all in good fun," she responds. She hops onto and sprawls across the couch just as Dionne returns. "Okay, I'm done," Blaine announces.

Kennedy flops down beside her; playing Twister had tired him out more than he thought—which had nothing to do with Blaine of course. Dionne looks at them with disappointment. "I expected more drama from you two."

Their heads snap to her. "What are we, your entertainment?" asks Blaine.

"I did tell you my love life is pretty dry right now," Dionne shrugs, unrepentant as she takes a sip from her champagne glass. Kennedy's just glad Peter hadn't returned yet so he couldn't hear that; it isn’t that hard to see that there’s something between them.

He meets Blaine's eyes and looks away just as swiftly. The technicalities of whatever was going in between them was not something they wanted to hash out today. Not missing the exchange between them, Dionne hides a smile.

"How about a movie?" She grabs the remote. "There's a Pavadenian classic airing now." She finds the channel in response to assenting hums and settles back on the couch.

____________________________________________

"Is that a good idea?" Peter asks, his eyes on Dionne's champagne glass.

"Peter, we're celebrating," Dionne emphasises, her words slurring slightly. Kennedy isn't sure how many times he's heard that by now.

Blaine chuckles, amused. "He means the fact that you're on your third glass."

Dionne blinks slowly at her. "So?"

As she tries to focus on the television screen, Kennedy makes a point to grab the bottle and stash it away.

Kennedy looks down at the couch where Peter and Dionne have fallen asleep cuddled up next to each other. They look too comfortable to disturb, and rousing them would mean that the night would end. Which would mean Blaine would leave. And Kennedy doesn't want Blaine to leave just yet.

"Should we wake them?" Blaine asks, coming up beside him. Kennedy glances at the clock on the mantel—it's almost midnight. They hadn't meant to celebrate this long, and he definitely hadn't planned for two of their group to fall asleep on the couch.

He shakes his head and drapes the spare blanket over them.

"I guess I should get going then," Blaine says. Kennedy takes her in. Her hair's mostly come out of its bun and her clothes are rumpled. Her eyes are tired—no doubt because of the stress of exams but also from the late night—but bright. He doesn't want her to leave.

"No," Kennedy says, surprising himself. "Stay."

Blaine's shoulders sag. Kennedy wonders if it's too much to hope that she was waiting for him to ask her to stay. He flicks off the light and opens the door to his room, nodding at her. She gets the hint and trails after him.

Kennedy flops down onto his bed and watches Blaine, her cautiously curious gaze roaming the room as she perches on his chair at his desk. He almost wants to invite her to sit beside him, but squashes the idea, deeming it too forward.

"So," he begins, "did you have fun?"

Her eyes snap to his, startled before a slow smirk spreads across her face. "I did, actually. Who knew you'd know how to have fun?"

"Hey," he grins. Talking with Blaine is effortless somehow. They click, and he feels that he can open up to her. It helps that Blaine is an open book. "I do know how to have fun. You'd know that if you spent more time with me." Immediately, he wonders why he said that. His mom doesn't make it easy, but they do spend time together—a lot actually. Somehow, it never is enough for him.

He can't deny it anymore: he likes her. But the timing can't be worse, and so he's been keeping it buried, though he can't help his feelings and the consequent longing glances and stomach butterflies. Dionne argues that this is a terrible idea, but he knows he has to prioritise his mother's reelection campaign.

Blaine leans forward, that smirk still gracing her face, and Kennedy’s heart speeds up. "Don't we hang out enough?" she asks. "You really can't get enough of me, can you?"

No.

But she doesn't wait for his answer, turning back around to his desk and fiddling with a pen. Then, her shoulders begin to tremble, and a mixture of panic and dread creeps over Kennedy. Is she crying? Or possibly laughing? But unless she's lost it, there's nothing to laugh at.

Maybe she did want to leave then, Kennedy thinks miserably, and she felt obligated to stay when I asked. He gathers his courage and asks, "Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Then... why are you shaking?"

She whirls around so fast that it startles Kennedy, before pulling her legs up and hugging them. She's still shivering as she speaks in an indignant voice, "Your room is freezing."

Caught off guard and slightly alarmed, Kennedy stares at her for a second before letting out a laugh. "That's it? I thought—" He decides not to complete that sentence in order to maintain his dignity and instead gets up to rummage through his closet. He pulls out a clean hoodie and tosses it to Blaine. "Here."

She regards the clothing for a moment before tugging it on. It's big on her, like the top she's wearing, and Kennedy ignores how his heart flips at the sight. Not dwelling on it too much, he decides to take the leap and pats the bed next to him. "Come here."

Shoving her hands in the pocket, Blaine eyes the spot before crawling into the bed beside him and leaning her head on his shoulder. Kennedy tries not to tense in surprise and relaxes into it, hesitating before sliding an arm around her. To his insurmountable relief, she snuggles closer.

They settle into easy conversation late into the night, until Blaine's speech starts to slow and her eyelids begin to droop, and she falls asleep with her head on his lap. Blinking back his own sleepiness, he smoothes back her hair and smiles down at her.

They may not be able to be together, but he could treasure these moments that only he is allowed to see—and just maybe, that would be enough.

[one-for-all-bnha]

Bakusquad Headcanons (mainly focused around Sero and Kaminari) I might do a Part 2 later

Okay so all of them (minus Bakugou) seem to be chill but certain things (or all the time) make them suuuper competitive

1. Mall shenanigans, going around and buying things for each other to see who had the best gift feat. An awkward Bakugou Katsuki who has to find something for Mina and he asks subtly

2. Sneaking out of the dorms to get food. It was Sero and Kaminari’s idea, Mina was in it because it was a wonderful night for a walk, Kirishima wanted a Bang energy drink and Bakugou only went along because “Knowing you dumbasses you would get lost before you even get there”

3. Kaminari realizing Bakugou has a soft spot for him feat. The BakuSquad all tell him that he won’t get mad if Kaminari breaks the news. They’ve awakened a demon. Kaminari claims that he has “Special Best Rights” and nobody corrects him but Sero does add “And the fact that you fear no god.” Mina and Kirishima both nod in agreement.

4. Playing Smash at 1am in the lounge room feat. Bakugou sucking miserably because he button mashes and has to whisper yell when he dies. Kirishima ends up teaching him some tricks. Sero ends up being the one who cackles and they are all quiet until they hear footsteps coming down the stairs, Mina stares at them all horrified. “Scatter.” They all run separate ways like roaches. Bakugou ends up hiding in a cabinet. Kaminari hides behind a fake plant, while Kirishima rushes to the bathroom and hides in the shower. Sero is the one who gets caught, Mina ends up hiding out in the kitchen. They have these competitions almost every Saturday because Bakugou refuses to stay up late on school nights.

6. Kitchen mayhem, Bakugou is visiting his mom since his dad is away so the group must fend for themselves. Kaminari ends up setting the kitchen on fire and meanwhile Kirishima is FaceTiming Bakugou when all of it is going down. While Bakugou’s home he feels like his group doesn’t need him so when he sees the chaos feat various screeches of “DEAR GOD PUT IT OUT”

“wHOS GETTING TODOROKI?!”

“God this smells like charred ass” Bakugou smiles and grabs his coat.

“Later old hag.” He heads to the door clearly he’s needed elsewhere. Suddenly feeling bad Kirishima waves his hands.

“It’s okay really we’ve got it. You don’t have to leave I didn’t mean to cut your visit short.”

“Oh please”, Bakugou says. “I’m clearly needed.”

He’s about to open the door when his mom shouts at him. “And where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“I’m heading back. My dumbass friends have set the kitchen on fire.” He can’t help but allow the smile to fall onto his face.

The anger could wait first he had a Kitchen to save. Because of this incident the Bakusquad aren’t allowed anywhere near the kitchen without Bakugou or somebody else being with them.

7. Kaminari initiates stress relieving cuddles 99% of the time. After a typically stressful day he’ll break into Bakugou’s room and just lay smack down on his bed. Bakugou pretends to be angry but at this point he just texts the group chat named Cracktivities by Sero and tells the squad to “get their asses over” they all end up watching a movie and fall asleep half way through. They’re covered in blankets and Mina ends up bringing snacks that at first Bakugou was against because “I SWEAR TO FUCK IF I FIND ANY CRUMBS IN MY BED ALL OF YOU ARE DEAD” but it holds no heat to it

8. The group all steal Bakugou’s hoodies cause he’s warm at first and it soon turns into all of them sharing clothes whether they mean to or not. One day Mina and Kaminari pass each other in the hallway and both nod before they back up and stare at each other. “Is that my choker?” She asks. Kaminari tried to look down but can’t. “Maybe? Is that my belt?” She stares down at the belt with a lightning bolt on it. “I think so?” Kaminari smiles. “Oh cool, if that’s the case it looks epic on you.” Mina beams. “Same to you! The choker really brings a new level to your outfit!”

10.Group therapy session. Mina paints their nails and Jirou puts on some calming music as they all vent about things that are going on in their lives. Kirishima puts on a face mask and gets Kaminari to do it to. He tries getting Bakugou to do it too by saying “Come on rejuvenating skin is manly bro.” Bakugou just smirks. “Remember my quirk works as a skin care routine in itself.” The rest of the squad wears face masks Sero sighs dramatically. “Oh to have flawless skin without breakouts.” Kaminari takes a cucumber off his face, “Oh to be cursed with natural beauty.” Bakugou doesn’t know how to handle that compliment so he just rolls his eyes and smiles. “Idiots,” he says staring down at Sero who’s dramatically sprawled out on the floor. They all smile at him while Mina corrects him. “Your idiots.” He cant even deny it as a fond look passes over his face. “My idiots.”

11. He has a sixth sense and knows when they are up to something. At one point he walks past Kirishima’s room and hears “Dont tell Bakugou” so naturally he kicks the door open and says “Tell me what.” He ends up looking between Sero and Kaminari only to find that there are kittens everywhere. “No.”

“Oh come on Bakugou, can’t we keep them?”

“Aizawa will kill you for this no.”

“No he won’t he loves cats.”

“Fine, I’ll kill you for this.”

They end up sneaking the kittens into 1-B’s class early before class starts. Kaminari and Sero give a tearful goodbye to each kitten while Bakugou is smirking ruthlessly while trying to keep the cats at bay and make sure they will have everything they need. When Shinsou goes into the classroom to find the kittens first thing in the morning it’s a good day. No kitten was harmed and they all got anonymously adopted by Aizawa. They almost get caught because the trio has to hide them in their school uniforms and on the way to 1-B All Might sees them. Bakugou pushes Sero and Kaminari to keep walking as All Might approaches.

“Good morning Young Bakugou, what’s in your coat?” Before he can answer one of the kittens meow, without missing a beat he turns to face All Might.

“Drugs.” He says and walks off before the hero can ask anything else.

12. I guarantee you at some point when him and Kaminari were sparring and Bakugou held Kaminari’s head down with his hand, Kaminari’s first reaction would be to lick his hand. It takes 0.2 seconds for the instant regret to kick in. Kaminari immediately throws Bakugou off and starts viciously wiping his tongue down. “Ew ew ew ew ew I got it in my mouth yuck.”

It takes a couple of seconds for Bakugou to just realize what the fuck happened and he loses his shit laughing. He follows Kaminari as he makes a mad dash to the kitchen and downs whatever is in the fridge. “Oh my god it burns!!!” He whines and quickly turns on the sink violently rubbing his tongue down in an attempt to get the taste off of his tongue. The Bakusquad ask them what’s wrong but between Bakugou laughing and Kaminari gargling dink water babbling “regrets regrets I have so many regrets” every chance he gets mingled in with a “yucky” or “disgusting, grosss” they have no idea what happened.

Kaminari just decides fuck it He grabs the dish soap and places it on his tongue scrubbing at it so his head is cocked so that he has the best angle to wash his tongue and then makes awkward eye contact with Aizawa who is watching in horror. Kaminari tries to be suave and waves to him “Sup Sensei” and Aizawa looks from Kaminari to where Bakugou is practically wheezing in a spinny chair for him to walk out while muttering “Fuck this class, should’ve retired when I had the chance”

Meanwhile the Bakusquad finally connects the dots as to what happened and join Bakugou in a laughing fit while Kaminari whines with his face pressed to the sink still. “Oh come on you guys it’s not funny.” But they can’t hear him over the sound of all of them laughing. “You’re an idiot what made you think that would work?” Sero asks. Kaminari starts gesturing wildly which only makes them laugh harder “it was a reflex okay?!” Finally when the burning calms down he looks over at Mina who’s googling what happens when you lick nitroglycerin “am I gonna die?”

Jirou suddenly stands beside him and places a consoling hand on his shoulder. “Yes.” And then she leaves causing the group to start snickering again. Kaminari brushes his hands down his tongue saying “Absolutely disgusting” before wiping it onto Bakugou’s arm. He shrieks and jumps out of the chair “What the fuck do you think you’re doing dunce face?!”

“Returning the nitroglycerin I licked ya nasty”

He reaches his hands towards his face. “There seems to be a bit more.”

“KAMINARI NO!”

He licks his hands. The moment Kaminari’s hands touched his tongue he knew he fucked up.

“GODDAMIT!”

He runs back to the sink.

That’s all I can think of so far, if you guys have anything else to add feel free.

[ask-the-crimson-king]

Tales from D&D: The Campfire Song Song

[It is I, your friendly neighborhood Hermit back with another tale from D&D. And this one is... Certainly a saga. LONG POST AHOY.

IT IS ONCE AGAIN FROM MY CURSE OF STRAHD CAMPAIGN! The characters, in brief, are:

AETERNUS -- Goliath wild soul barbarian, played more like a golem than a goliath. Stoic, remembers almost nothing of his past. ARAZEL -- Blood angel (aasimar x tiefling hybrid) bard, has a patron because he used to be a Warlock and the player wanted to keep the patron. Very much a Bard. Has tamed a fucking dire wolf who is now named Boris. He is a good boy. LEON -- Human time domain cleric, worships a god of time called Tempus. Old retired soldier sent out into the world because his god has plans for him. CALEB -- Vampire desperado gunslinger, a vampire hunter who wants revenge against the creatures who turned him and killed his family. 

In the last session, the players had made it to the Old Bonegrinder and met the three hags living there. Thanks to a Fifth Nat 1, the hags became hostile because Arazel mentioned how he had a pet dire wolf and the hags thought he was sent by Strahd. 

I told them at the beginning of this one,  “If you can talk your way out of this encounter, I’ll let you level up right now instead of waiting for Friday.”

What the fuck happens right after I say that?

Arazel fucking crits on persuasion and the party is now LEVEL FOUR! HURRAY!

Caleb is dealing with the two sisters upstairs, his gun is mentioned, and then Arazel’s player says, and I quote,

Arazel had also purchased a pastry, and Aeternus ends up charging upstairs and Arazel turns to him and says, "Hey Pebbles, eat this okay?" Aeternus made the con save, so instead of having weird dream visions, he instead felt this weird sense of nostalgia that he cant place his finger on. Seeing the cakes were safe, the rest of the party all pay for a cake themselves and they all. fail. the save.

So they get to fall into a pleasant, dreamlike state, for 1d4+4 hours... and OF COURSE I roll a 4. So eight hours of them being in this trance. Arazel, Leon, and Caleb, all conked the hell out. Which meant Aeternus was alone with this Night Hag who was now cackling. 

And so he asked the witch what was in the cakes, and she simply said “some very rare and exotic ingredients. it is an acquired taste.” aeternus then took many hints, scooped everyone up, and left with Ismark (Kolyana and Ireena were waiting outside in a cart, not trusting that place one bit, but Ismark went in to help guard the party and keep an eye on Caleb.) 

They run back to the cart and Kolyana is asking what happened. Aeternus explains the situation with the cakes, and Kolyana then facepalms. He says,

"You didn't eat any, did you?" "I did, why?" "Those are dream cakes. they're popular in Vallaki -- you'll see why." "I do not dream." "Everyone dreams, my boy. daydreams, plans for the future, or-" "I have nothing to dream about."  The cart goes quiet before Ismark speaks up. "What do you mean?" Aeternus then says, "I remember nothing but war from my past." "A miserable existence, then." "Heh, makes you sound like a barovian," Kolyana says with a snicker. "We're all miserable bastards." 

More silence. 

"You really don't remember anything?" Ismark then asks. "Nothing but war." Aeternus shakes his head. "How old are you?" "... I do not know. I have been wandering for some time, but I know I am quite old." "I don’t remember any wars in our recent history. You don’t seem to be old enough for any of those." "Definitely not," Kolyana agrees. The cart is silent, and Aeternus goes quiet.

Hours pass, and the cart is pulled off to the side of the road. Ireena and Valerie, a Vistana woman they had met, (who owned the cart), go off to build a fire, while the rest stay back in order to wait for the others to come out of their trances. 

When they do awaken, the world is darker. More grim, more miserable. The mists seem to cling to them, and they long to be back in their dreams.

Arazel awakes with a start, drawing out his magic string and wrapping it around Leon's neck while a thin knife hovers at Caleb's throat. Kolyana, Ismark, and Aeternus all stand to try and apprehend him as he asks, "What the HELL happened to me?" "You were dreaming," Aeternus tells him. "We didn’t do anything to you." "Put the weapons away, you're around friends here," Ismark says, his sword half out of its sheath. Slowly, Arazel backs down, checking his wings to see if any feathers are out of place. Boris looks up at him expectantly, and Arazel takes him to the fire as the rest of the party files out of the cart.

They all go and head down to the fireplace, and enjoy a nice thick stew. Some of the vegetables are freshly picked from the lands around them, although they are thick mountain-dwelling plants. They are a bit higher up in elevation, though more surrounded by foothills instead of mountains. 

They enjoy their dinner and Kolyana asks them what they saw in their visions. Leon goes first, recalling his home. recalling the people he loved, the community fostered, everything. It felt warm. It felt safe. But that wasn't here anymore. Kolyana gave him a small reassuring pat on the shoulder before Arazel spoke up.

"I saw my mother." "Your mother?" Aeternus asks. "Okay, well, here's the thing. My mother was this holy angel, and my father was a damned and hated tiefling. And my father kinda dipped on me when i was younger. My mother served a very holy god who didn't want to be sullied with such a sinful abomination," he then gestures to himself, "and so my mum had to leave me." "Wait, wait, your mom left you because her god said so?" Caleb asks. "Well yeah but I mean I get it. if she didn't then she would've lost her powers, and-" "That’s pretty selfish of her." Caleb shrugs. "sorry, man." "Not really. I’m sure any parent would do that." "I can tell you, as a father myself, I would never do that to my children. No matter who the god was. I'm sorry you had to go through that," Kolyana tells him, giving Arazel a meaningful look.

“And what about you, vampire?” the old man asks. “What did you see?”

"I saw my home. I saw the old homestead. I saw my parents, and my siblings. It was nice." Before Kolyana responds, a conspiracy of ravens descends from the sky. one lands on each of Aeternus' shoulders, cawing.  The three Barovians all gasp. 

"What fantastic luck," Kolyana mutters. Arazel is tempted to have Boris pounce on them, but Kolyana quickly says "DO NOT ATTACK THEM! That would bring nothing but doom and misfortune. Ravens are symbols of good luck, not evil. At least not here." 

Arazel shrugs, and tosses a piece of his stew at them. They caw and hop off the giant's shoulders, peck at the food, then flutter off into the night. The party all decides to settle in for the night, and this comes my FAVORITE fucking part of the session;

Dream Chats with Strahd!

(Yes I’m bending the lore a bit but it’s for the rule of cool okay)

I bring each of the players into the Special Corner (Discord call, we have a D&D voice chat and then Special Corner for 1-on-1 with the DM) one by one.

First in was Arazel.

Arazel feels the presence of his patron. He feels a warm, golden glow about him, even if he cannot visualize Sanguinius himself. He soon finds himself within a hall. It seems to be that of a cathedral. Polished stone, nearly gleaming, is under his feet. But everything feels... a bit fuzzed out. Just barely out of focus. He sees a lectern at the end of this great hall, with, what 40k fans would recognize, as the BA symbol, inscribed into it.

And then he hears a very familiar voice, and sees a very familiar figure walk out from behind a pillar.

Familiar dark clothing, familiar face, familiar dark eyes. 

It is Strahd von Zarovich, and he has come for a chat. 

And he doesnt greet arazel with hostility. He says that he is impressed with this place of worship, and that he knows very little about Arazel’s patron. But he would love to learn more about him, and about Arazel himself. Arazel asks “why are you here?”

Strahd takes a sip from his glass before he says, “You and your compatriots all fascinate me. So I want to learn just a little more about you. How you think, what your morality is." He shrugs, and then explains that he does not have too much time to speak. An invitation will be given -- soon, though he does not know when -- and tells him it is within Arazel’s best interests to accept it. He wants to be able to have an open, honest chat with him and his friends.

He also asks that he does not discuss this meeting with anyone. A measure of trust. Arazel agrees, and Strahd disappears.

Next up, Caleb.

Caleb is dreaming of his homestead. He feels grass beneath his feet, but none of his family is here. Everything around him feels fuzzy, blurry. The only crisp image is of the homestead itself. Strahd appears to him as well, coming out of the homestead, and says similar things to what he told Arazel, namely the reason for his arrival and his interest in him and his friends. However, he also remarks on how similar the two of them are, referring to their shared vampiric nature. Caleb says,

"Actually we're probably very different. I think we became who we are through very different ways." 

Strahd agrees, but he offers a solution to Caleb's little bloodthirst-issue, (which luckily has been able to be curbed thanks to Leon being generous), and potentially knowledge about his abilities. Caleb recently gained the ability to be able to shift into bat form, and he thinks he may have other skills locked away.

An invitation is mentioned, along with the same condition. He cannot tell anyone of this meeting.

Caleb, begrudgingly, agrees. Strahd vanishes once more. Interestingly, Strahd does not mention how one of Caleb’s current goals is to go into van Richten’s tower to find the old hunter in order to find a way to kill Strahd. 

But we’ll get to that.

Then we go to Leon.

Leon appears within an old library. The books around him are nothing more than vague shapes, and there is a musty smell from the bookshelves. Ahead of him is a strange device, a piece of machinery made of many different concentric rings, which he realizes must represent the different planes of reality. It slowly moves, casting around shadows as an unknown light source dances around the room. This is a representation of how Tempus views reality and its many potential timelines, he realizes. Just a very, very simple model, but it resembles the one from his own church. 

Enter Strahd, a warm smile on his face.

“I’ve been waiting to speak with you for some time. You and I have much to discuss.”

Leon asks why he is here, and Strahd explains what he had told Caleb and Arazel -- though he also adds he wants to learn a little more about him, here and now. He wants to also extend the offer for Leon to learn more about Strahd himself in a sort of private talk, and expresses interest in learning more about Tempus and Leon's nature and relationship. He asks Leon to tell him a few things, and Leon agrees to tell him a bit about his past -- his life as a soldier, the village he had settled within, how he found Tempus, that sort of stuff. 

Then Leon cuts right to the point, saying, "Why are you really asking me this? I don’t like to associate with bad people."

"Well I wouldn’t call myself bad. I have made my mistakes, and I am no saint, but I’m not a horrible person." Strahd shrugs. "I ask because I’m fascinated by you. By all of you, honestly. You're quite the interesting little crew."

He mentions the invitation, but also gives a different message.

"I know Caleb is going to be going to van Richten's tower. I want you to stay behind in Vallaki when he does. I will send my invitation then. Our conversation will be a little more... private, for lack of a better term, then the one I shall have with all of you."

He gives the same terms -- that Leon cannot tell anyone of this meeting -- which Leon agrees to, and Strahd disappears once more.

Last but not least...

Aeternus.

Aeternus doesn't dream, but his mind does come to a daydreaming-state. He comes to one of the few scenes he remembers. A field, with the rubble of a broken house nearby. Nothing else is clear, or even blurred. It feels like he’s standing on the edge of a vast void.

Strahd appears once more, commenting on how grim this place was. Aeternus is on edge at the appearance of the vampire, but simply replies, "this is all I can remember."

"Oh, I know. All you remember is warfare. But even then, of no clear battle. Just fragments of death and misery. A shame, really." Strahd sighs. "I know of a way for you to begin remembering all you had lost. My libraries may hold some of the answers you seek, as do I."

Aeternus is quiet. Before he speaks, strahd smiles. 

"Petting that wolf made you remember something, didn't it? And the cake you ate? You remember something about a raven, too."

Aeternus is caught way off guard. Strahd has, somehow (rule of cool and plot reasons) gotten into his head. He goes on guard, but Strahd puts his hands up. 

"I can offer answers. I will be sending an invitation, soon. I do not know when. But I need to be able to trust you. Tell no one of this encounter." 

"How can i be able to trust you?" Aeternus responds with a grunt. One hand is on his axe. Strahd chuckles. "Caleb wants to go to van Richten's tower. Go with him. There is something waiting for you there." 

And then he disappears, and that is where the session ended.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Love Of My Life - Shawn Mendes (1/2)

im so soft rn, its making my heart ache and also i’ve been thinking about babies nonstop and for someone who is terribly afraid of pregnancy that’s just... weird but i cant help it arghhh

based on a request from an anon

1.5k of dad!shawn

drabble list masterlist

You really didn’t think it through, how hard it’s going to be to be on tour with a six months old baby. Changing diapers on the floor of an arena hallway, feeding her in the back of a tour bus and putting her to sleep in hotel lobbies have become the regular and being a first time mom you sometimes doubt if you should be doing all of these. But at the end of the day, she is still fine, smiling back at you with that smile that she got from her daddy, and the way she watches Shawn perform every night is just making your heart burst out of your chest. Her tiny fingers pointing at his jumping figure and screaming “dada” and the way she claps when he sings is just the best thing in the world making all the effort and energy worth it. You wouldn’t want it any other way and you knew it when you and Shawn married that there would be nothing normal in your life.

Today Skylar is feeling extremely fussy for some reason. She didn’t sleep well, you spent half the night on feet with her, walking down the hallways of the hotel hoping to tire her out and go back to sleep, but she had other plans. She’s been clinging onto Shawn all afternoon, holding onto his jacket for dear life with her tiny hands. Usually she is one happy, carefree baby, not bothered about who is holding her and she is pretty used to being in the arms of a different person every ten minutes. Everyone loves her, it’s melting your heart how the toughest looking, big bearded stage builder can turn into a soft marshmallow when she starts giggling in their arms. But not today.

“Babe, I have to go, the question round is starting,” Shawn sighs as he holds her to you, her tiny hands already reaching for him to take her back. “Be a good girl and stay with mommy, okay?” he tells Skylar, kissing the top of her head, and you can already see her lips pouting. It’s just a matter of time till she starts screaming again. “I love you,” he smiles at you kissing you shortly before running out to his fans.

Just as you thought it doesn’t take too long till Skylar loses it. Hearing her crying is just the worst thing, it’s breaking your heart to know that something is making her upset even the slightest.

“I know, I know,” you mumble to her, rocking her back and forth while walking down the hallway.

Laughter and clapping can be heard from the room where the Q&A is held and you know that if you can hear them, they can surely hear Skylar’s crying as well. People give you a sympathetic look as they walk past you, babbling some sweet words to her, but she refuses to stop.

“Sweetie, daddy is working, do you not love me anymore?” you ask her, as if she could answer you, but you guess the unstoppable crying is some sort of answer as well.

You feel like you are failing miserably, her screams are pounding in your head and you are just about to go outside so the city can swallow her voice at last, not bothering the work of others, but then you spot Shawn in the hallway, running towards you. There’s no way he is done with the questions, it’s been about ten minutes since he started.

“What are you doing here?” you ask him with wide eyes, still rocking her in your arms.

“Give her to me,” he holds his hands out and even though you don’t understand what his plan is, you are desperate to make her stop.

The moment she nuzzles her face in his shirt she stops crying, as if he put a magic spell on her. Eyes puffy and red, fingers wet from her always poking around in her mouth, but at least she is quiet.

“Bring her a bottle, I’ll feed her while answering the questions,” Shawn tells you as he heads back to the room where the fans are waiting.

“I got one on me,” you tell him pulling out a small bottle of milk out of your hoodie’s pocket. You’ve been having the weirdest stuff on you lately, constantly finding diapers and wet wipes in your pockets when you are washing your clothes.

The moment he returns and the fans see him with Skylar in his arms they start melting at the sight of them and you can’t blame them. It’s like Shawn was meant to be a dad, handling her so easily and carefully as he sits back to his spot in front of them, Skylar lying in his arms, eyes fixed on her daddy’s face while her tiny hands grip onto his jacket.

“Little Princess has been acting up today so she is joining us, if that’s alright,” Shawn tells them as he reaches for the bottle. You hand it to him and a moment later she is peacefully sucking on it, not giving a damn about all the people around her, watching her in awe.

Your head is thankful for him, you have no idea how long you would have been able to put up with her screams and it’s making you jealous a bit as Shawn was the only person to get her calm down. But your heart is so full as you watch him hold her with one hand, bottle in the other while he is talking about music, upcoming plans and memories with his fans while you sit next to him, making sure you are ready to take her any moment he needs to free his hands.

“What is Shawn like as a dad?” you hear the question from somewhere at the back of the room and you look up surprised that someone asked you. He glances at you with a warm smile, waiting for your answer.

“Um, he is literally the best, as you can see.”

A nervous chuckle leaves your lips and they join you while Shawn is still holding Skylar.

“From when he held my hair when I was throwing up every morning in my first trimester to waking up any moment during the night and letting me sleep for just a little more now, he is literally the best.”

Your hormones are still acting up and you can feel yourself getting emotional as you talk about him, but you haven’t been able to wrap your mind around how amazing he really is. Skylar came a little earlier than you planned, you wanted to wait until the end of this tour before starting to try for a baby, but she obviously was in a rush to join the two of you, coming only a year after you tied the knot with Shawn. You felt nervous telling him, thinking he might be mad at you for ruining all the plans you had, but that was not the case. He was bursting from happiness when you told him, breaking down in tears as he pressed his face to your stomach right there, at the middle of the kitchen and he has been the most amazing dad since that moment, being there for you through everything, canceling interviews when you were feeling so much backpain you couldn’t even get out of the bed and bringing you the weirdest stuff from the grocery store in the middle of the night when you wanted to eat pickles with peanut butter. He really is the dad you always pictured for your children.

“She is obsessed with him, and honestly, same,” you add making everyone laugh in the room as you look at them. The way her eyes shine when she is looking at Shawn, it’s making you want to curl up and cry happy tears. She is such a daddy’s little girl and you have nothing against that.

The question round soon wraps up and once Skylar is done with eating she finally falls asleep in Shawn’s arms. You stay with her in the dressing room, occasionally sneaking out to watch Shawn perform your favorite songs while someone else is looking out for her. You’re not surprised that she sleeps through the whole show and doesn’t wake up even when you leave the venue, sleeping peacefully in the car on the ride back to the hotel. She’s wasted a lot of energy on crying today.

Once she is lying in her crib at the hotel room, arms above her head, legs spread in a way you doubt it would be comfortable, Shawn and you just stand there, mesmerized by her as you watch her tiny chest rise and fall peacefully, pacifier moving in her mouth.

“She is so beautiful,” he whispers putting an arm around your shoulders as he pulls you to his side.

Before having a kid you thought it’s creepy to watch a baby sleep, but now you fully understand. You just can’t get enough of her, wanting to savior every moment knowing how fast she is growing and soon she won’t be a baby anymore.

“I can’t believe we made her,” you mumble as you nuzzle your face into his chest.

“Well, you had a little more work in that,” he chuckles making you smile.

“True, but you helped in it a lot,” you say giving him all the credit he deserves.

“Anything for the loves of my life,” he whisper kissing into your hair, wrapping both of his arms around you.

[lifesucksheres20bucks]

Reddie going to on a date to the fair...only if you want💗

YES I LOVE THIS CONCEPT

*i took me so long to write this, there might be some errors sorry*

- def like last summer of them all being in derry

-their 18 and richie is moving to LA and eddie is going to NY

-richie knows his time with eds is running out and hes been a lot more clingy than usual

-eddie knows it too and hes been spendig a lot more alone time with his favorite trashmouth

-eddie HATES change so he has regular panic attack just thinking of being away from the losers (especially richie) 

when he gets the panic attacks he usually just throws himself onto richie and starts playing with his shirt

richie started seeing a pattern and lets him calm down, he tries rubbing his back or making him laugh

when eddie isnt with richie when he has one (which tends to only happen at night) he will sneak out of his house and go to richies (richie now leaves his window open for eddie bc of it )

the losers part ways in about 3 weeks 

so for the past week eddie has been sleeping at richies everynight, he waits for his mom to go to sleep and goes directly to richies house

they usually just lie in bed somewhat cuddling 

they both know theres this unspoken thing between them but no one acts on it

the second to last week of  August theres the annual Derry summer fair. The losers have been going there since forever and its like the best part of the summer for them

they usually all go together for a whole day and stay to watch the fireworks then head to mikes farm for a sleepover/bonfire 

one day richie cant take it anymore and calls bev, he just kinda blurs out that he loves eddie and bev starts laughing 

“yeah we all figured you guys love eachother”

“wait you guys? you think eddie loves me too?”

“well none of us spend every night cuddling, and holding hands and sitting on each others laps” 

“you guys noticed that huh”

“omg you’re such a idiot sometimes rich”

“idk what to do though, how am i going to live without eddie”

“you guys will see each other, dont worry, we promised each other annual trips and we all come back to derry for the summers right? You guys will see each other eventually”

“but i can barely stand being without him for a day. You remember last month when his mother didnt let him leave the house bc he coughed? I was freaking miserable that day and i made everyone else miserable too.”

“well rich, i dont know what to tell you, youre going to have to find a way to survive without him, you guys can still call each other when your in school. Its a temporary move, you guys can live together or whatever after college”

“i need to tell him how i feel, i cant just leave without telling him”

“I think thats a good idea, let me know how it goes”

the next day the losers go to the fair, end up causing too much trouble (like always) and then went back to mikes farm. they all got drunk and very emotional, lots of crying bc they were all moving. some promises were made about calling each other at least once a week and plans were made about visiting each other during the thanksgiving holiday and taking a spring break trip together. (their all going to NYC for thanksgiving to see the christmas tree and probably going to LA for spring break)

during the sleepover richie and eddie and sleeping next to each other, richie reaches out to see if eddie is awake and as soon as richies hand is on eddie back, eddie turns around and puts his head on richies chest. 

“eddie do you want to go back to the fair with me tomorrow?”

“yeah we can go back , i think mike would like that bc he was totally smitten with that gir-

“no i mean just you and me”

“just you and me....uhh um okay that sounds like fun”

THE NEXT DAY

after eating breakfast at the farm they make up some weird excuse to why they couldnt hang out with the other losers and both leave (richie somehow said he needed to buy a cat)

-once they get to the fair theres this kinda awkward silence between them. Richie tries to make stupid jokes but all hes getting from eddie is nervous laughter

“hey eds whats wrong” richie says as he grads eddies hand

“i just, idk what are we doing?”

“well were at the fair, its this big fun thing we do every year”

“i know what a fair is you idiot, i mean why did you only want to come with me”

“bc i wanted to spend the day with my little eds!” (richie def pinches his cheek)

“dont call me that! god im so not going to miss that nickname when college starts”

“stop lying to yourself  my little spaghetti, youre going to miss not hearing it everyday”

they end up walking around trying some of the games.

eddie spotted a Koala that he really wanted and richie set out a mission to win it

he ended up spending like 20 dollars on tickets bc he kept losing the game. but when he finally got it, the look on eddies face made it all worthwhile

eddie decided to name the koala trashmouth for his knight in shining armour that got him in the first place

richie melts

eddie also named him that bc richie TOTALLY loves to koala hug eddie (and thats also why he wanted the koala in the first place bc he thought of richie when he saw it)

eddie gets them both candied apples

richie drops his after two bites

so they end up sharing eddies

at the end of the day richie insists on going to the ferris wheel

so they go and they sit right next to each other, eddie head on richies shoulder and finger intertwined 

they stop at the top and richie thinks its now or never

“hey eds, i need to tell you something and i dont want you to say anything, just let me finish”

“hm okay”

“you know how a couple of years ago you told me you loved coming to the fair because being here with your friends made you so happy. And that you absolutely loved coming on the Ferris wheel because being so high up and seeing the beautiful view of the town at sunset made you feel at peace and so whole...”

“yeah i remember that”

“well thats how you make me feel”

richie is playing with the hem of his shirt and every second that eddie doesnt say anything he starts shaking more and more

eddie sits quietly, in shock, and finally starts to process what richie says. he is quickly distracted by a tapping noise coming form richie

he looks at richie and sadness overcomes him, hes never seen richie look so nervous and scared in his life. the only thing he wants to do is hold him tight and thats exactly what the does

the second eddie takes richie into his arms richie just starts sobbing. the relief of the secret and the reality or their situation was just too much for him to handle

“shh shh ‘chee its okay, please dont cry baby”

“ i just, i dont know how im going to survive without you, youre my bestest friend eds and i love you so much..”

“i love you too richie, so much, why do you think i always sneak into your bedroom? all the panic attacks? its all because i keep thinking of college without you”

“why did we wait so long? i should have told you when i was 14, fucking hell Tozier always says stupid shit but never the right shit”

“richie stop youre not stupid, I should have told you, i just didnt know how. I know we waited too long but im so happy it happened this way. I dont think it would have worked out if we had told eachother sooner, we were so young. Now that were moving out of this shit hole we get to be ourselves and we can make this work” 

“but youre going to be so far away...”

“ill come visit you and i you can come see me, ill call you every night, this is going to work, i know it is bc its us and i know were meant to be together” 

“promise you wont forget me when im in LA”

“how can I ‘chee, you’re literally all i think about”

“wow okay this is getting really cheesy so can i just add a bit more cheesiness and kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel?”

“ ugh okay but only since were already here and i dont think i can wait a minute longer”

richie cups eddies face and kisses him passionately 

(ITS A SHITTY ENDING I KNOW I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO END IT IM SORRY IM REALLY NOT MADE FOR WRITING)

this is definitely a story they will share with their kids in the future ❤️ 

[inyournightmares97]

My Youth (Chapter 6)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, death, angst, slow build, maybe some language.(Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)

Word Count: 5.7k+

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)

“-Mom, I’m busy,” Jinyoung muttered into the phone. He had been sitting in a crucial meeting with the Finance Director of GOT Tech and representatives of the Financial Regulatory Board. Receiving approval for his company to go public was one of the most critical and risky steps in Jinyoung’s career.

His mother, however, had been calling him constantly for the last twenty minutes.

Mrs. Park sounded upset. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung, dear. I just needed to reach you-”

“Mom, I’m in an extremely important meeting right now. Do you know how it looks when the Managing Director of GOT Group keeps getting calls from his mother during business meetings? What do you want from me?” Jinyoung demanded in a frustrated whisper, running his fingers through his hair. He tried not to let his agitation show on his face; the other high-profile attendees of the meeting could still see him through the glass wall of the conference room.

“Jinyoung, there’s been a terrible tragedy in town,” his mother began nervously. “I don’t… I don’t know how to tell you this, but i suppose there’s no easy way to talk about a death.  Remember I told you that I’ve been going to the hospital every day to meet-”

Jinyoung felt a burst of irritation. The clock was ticking. The Board members were waiting for him impatiently and he could see the disapproval on their faces. “Mom, did you call me to tell me that someone died?”

“Well… yes, but-”

“Mom, I have been preparing for this presentation for months. The future of my company depends on this meeting. This is absolutely the worst time you could have chosen to tell me something like this,” Jinyoung muttered through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Please don’t mess up my focus right now. We can talk about this later. Do you need anything from me urgently?”

Mrs. Park hesitated. “You always seem to be busy these days. I just thought… if we could maybe help out with the funeral expenses or the hospital bills…”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. “Mom, you can just call my secretary for that. She’ll send you whatever amount you need. Send them flowers from me or something, okay? I have to go now.”

“Take care, Jinyoung, dear-”

“Bye, Mom.”

Jinyoung hung up and sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple. His personal secretary had followed him out of the room and was watching him nervously. He hadn’t even asked his mother who it was that had passed away. Was it somebody he knew? Maybe it was best that he didn’t think about it too much for now.

“Take my Mom’s call and ask her who died, send them money for the funeral and all those formalities,” Jinyoung told his secretary shortly. She nodded and made a note of it on her phone quickly while Jinyoung cleared his mind.

Focus. The presentation. The numbers.  

Jinyoung took a deep, calming breath and plastered a rehearsed smile on his face before he turned to enter the conference room once more.

“I’m so sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,” Jinyoung greeted all the well-dressed men with a bright smile. “I hope you can forgive me. Mothers seem to have a knack for calling at the most inconvenient times, don’t they?”

The men chuckled politely. “That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Park.”

“May I begin the presentation?”

“Please, do.”

--------

Jinyoung believed that to achieve something great, you needed to make certain sacrifices.

He had always known that the path he was embarking upon was not an easy one. Establishing your own business meant that you didn't get off work at 5 pm sharp, you couldn’t spend your weekends at a countryside cabin or getting drinks with your friends. You needed to keep working until things got done. You needed to compete in the market. You needed to be strong enough to pick up after your losses and clever enough to make friends in the right places. People were depending on you.

Jinyoung hadn’t merely chosen a career, he had chosen a life.

A very lonely life.

Whenever his mother would call him and try to have a casual chat, Jinyoung would find himself irritated. Who cared whether Mrs. Lee from the grocery store was giving a discount on strawberry bread? What did it matter if Mr. Cha had been trying to sell his little farmland? There was important work to be done. Jinyoung needed to talk to the advertising agents to make sure his products were being launched properly, he needed to negotiate discounts with suppliers to ensure he could meet the planned pricing goals. There were employees relying on him. There were investors who had trusted him with their money. There were quarterly goals that had to be met.

Every second of Jinyoung’s time was precious. Why couldn’t everyone understand that? Why couldn’t his mother stop thinking that her tiny little world in this tiny little town was everything, and understand the importance of what her son was doing?

There are a limited number of hours every man has at his disposal. We each make a conscious choice regarding how to spend each one.

It was only now, standing in front of your mother’s grave, that Jinyoung came a terrifying realization.

He had made the wrong choices.

------

“It was heart failure,” Mrs. Park whispered.

Jinyoung’s hands clutched the cup of tea firmly. It was hot and uncomfortable, but not more than the sick feeling in his stomach. Every word his mother spoke made him feel more pathetic.

What had he been doing all those months while your mother was in hospital and when she’d died? Preparing for his company to go public? Sitting in meetings and sucking up to corporate officials? Only to be fired and thrown out of the company. Only to have missed the death of somebody who had trusted him and cared for him.

“But she couldn’t have been that old…” Jinyoung muttered.

Mrs. Park shook her head softly. “She’d always had a weak heart, Jinyoung. Her health was fragile and after her husband passed away she had no choice but to work to support her daughter. All those long hours and late nights for years… they took their toll in the end. She had her first stroke three years ago. She was in hospital for a few weeks and then she had the second one; the one that took her life.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes, remembering your mother in his mind’s eye.

“She always looked tired. And worried.”

“She was.” Mrs. Park reached out and placed a hand over her son’s nervously. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should have told you about it sooner. But you were always so busy in Seoul, always doing important things. It never seemed like the right time to tell you about something so devastating. It’s my fault.”

Jinyoung let out a small scoff. “Don’t take the blame on yourself. That doesn’t help me.”

Mrs. Park looked upset. “Jinyoung-”

She was interrupted by a loud knocking at the front door. Jinyoung closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple while he listened to his father go to the door and yell at the person on the other side. The reporters had already found his home address. They had started arriving one-by-one since this morning. Each of them desperately wanted an interview with Park Jinyoung, the man who had lost his empire overnight. They wanted to know what he had to say about his dismissal from his own company.

Mr. Park re-entered the living room and sighed. “They’re getting more persistent. I think I should call the local police before they start trying to shove their way into our house.”

Jinyoung nodded and stood up. “I’ll go down to the police station myself and ask them to send someone to deal with this harrassment. Mom, you’ve told everyone we know to deny any reporters who request them for an interview, right?”

“Yes, but is it really a good idea for you to be going outside now-”

“I think I’ll lose my mind if I stay indoors,” Jinyoung muttered. He grabbed the black hoodie that was slung over the back of the sofa and glanced at his parents. They were both looking at him with wide, worried eyes.

Jinyoung felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him; why should they have to deal with so much because of his mistakes? Why was he always the one taking and yet never giving?

“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I’ll try and be back for dinner.”

------

Jinyoung’s legs carried him naturally towards the elementary school.

Perhaps it was a subconscious urge to see you, even though he had no idea what he would say if you really appeared before him. Anything Jinyoung could have said to help should have been said three years ago. Words like I’m sorry seemed like an insensitive joke at this point; too little and far too late.

Jinyoung sat silently on the bench by the schoolyard with his face covered by his dark hoodie, and wondered how his life had brought him to this point.

Left with nothing with shame.

“Ahjussi!”

By the time Jinyoung looked up, there was already a tiny figure running straight towards him at full speed. He flinched and braced himself for the impact; only to have the small boy stop centimetres away from him and throw his arms around him happily. Jinyoung stiffened.

“What-”

“Ahjussi, you are Park Jinyoung!” Ki-woo cried delightedly. The boy was beaming. Jinyoung noticed for the first time that one of his front teeth was missing, but it was still one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. “Miss told me yesterday! Why did you lie and say you weren't? I can’t believe the King of the Playground walked me home after school and I didn’t even know!”

Jinyoung couldn’t resist a small smile. The sight of the little boy bouncing on his feet warmed him for a moment and he patted Ki-woo on the head. “If somebody asked Clark Kent if he was Superman, he wouldn’t say yes, now would he?”

Ki-woo’s eyes widened in understanding. “Wow. That’s so true! You’re so cool!”

“You’ll have to keep my secret.”

“Of course I will! Ahjussi, can you tell me how you did it? How did you manage to climb the oak tree?” Ki-woo demanded, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm and tugging on it eagerly. “You have to tell me, you just have to! Were you really tall?”

Jinyoung blinked. “Tall? Not particularly…”

“Then how? How did you do it?”

Jinyoung opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by a loud yell. He had been so preoccupied with Ki-woo that he hadn’t noticed the much larger man that was making his way across the school yard. Jackson Wang had a huge smile on his face and without greeting, he threw his arms around Jinyoung in a fierce hug.

“Park Jinyoung! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Jackson cried happily. He pulled back and noticed the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. With a frown, he pointed to himself eagerly. “Remember me? Jackson! Jackson Wang! You used to pass me all the answers in History class!”

Jinyoung swallowed. “Uh…”

“Mr. Wang, you’re friends with Park Jinyoung?” Ki-woo asked, his mouth gaping open.

Jackson blinked and looked down at the boy sheepishly. “Ah, Ki-woo. I didn’t see you down there. Didn’t your teacher tell you to wait inside until someone came to pick you up? Go back indoors now.”

Ki-woo pouted. “But-”

“Nope. Back inside. Now.”

Jackson waited until Ki-woo began to slouch back towards the school building and then turned back to Jinyoung. “Man, you’re pretty much the celebrity around these parts now, eh? We had a couple of reporters come by the school this morning, asking for anyone who used to know you. You have nothing to worry about! I scared them off. These babies aren’t here for nothing,” Jackson beamed and flexed his bare bicep.

Jinyoung didn’t really know how to respond. “Nice.”

Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You do remember me, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course-”

“We should get drinks sometime and catch up now that you’re back in town! Man, I really owe you. You did me a solid one that Christmas before you left, remember? I’ll buy you a couple of beers at the pub. What’s your phone number?” Jackson demanded.

“I don’t really have a phone right now…”

“Don’t have a phone?” Jackson looked confused. “Weird but okay. I guess I can always ask Miss First Grade to get in touch with you. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you were back in town!” he cried, slapping Jinyoung’s arm playfully. “Hold on… you’re here to see her, aren’t you?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Not exactly…”

Jackson chuckled knowingly. “No worries, man. I’ve got your back. I need to go inside and take care of the kids now, so I’ll tell her to come out and meet you here, yeah? Let me know if any more of those reporters come around. I’ll take handle them for you!”

Jinyoung forced a smile. “Thanks-”

“No problem, man. It’s what friends are for. We’ll catch up soon!”

“Sure.”

Jinyoung watched Jackson half-run back to the school building, letting out a sigh of relief. Each person he came across in this town seemed to remember something about him and the one who possessed the most dangerous knowledge was Jackson Wang. In addition to having been the resident supplier of inappropriate magazines and the one who’d convinced Jinyoung to try his first cigarette behind the park back in high school, Jackson simply knew a little too much about everybody.

Jinyoung sat down on the bench and took a deep breath. He just realized that Jackson had said he would send you out to meet him. Why hadn’t he told him not to? He wasn’t prepared to face you. Idiot.

It was a few minutes before you emerged from the school building and walked towards Jinyoung. There was a pleasant smile on your face as you approached, and it made Jinyoung’s stomach turn. How could you smile at him like that? How could you be so calm about everything?

“Jinyoung,” you greeted him, confused. “Should you be roaming around out here? There are reporters buzzing all around town.”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh. Yeah, I know. Jackson said he drove them away...”

You rolled your eyes. “That idiot Jackson Wang? He was fully prepared to seize his five minutes of fame by telling them how you used to help him cheat in History class. I had to step in and force him to deny the request for an interview,” you muttered. Jinyoung’s eyes widened and you gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I sent a message to the principal of the middle school and the high school. Nobody’s going to give any interviews about you.”

Jinyoung felt small.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Did they find your house?”

“Yeah. They’ve been knocking the door all day. It’s really starting to bother Mom and Dad.”

Your expression was sympathetic. “Should I call the police?”

“Don’t worry. I was going to go down to the station myself and ask them to send someone to get rid of the reporters,” Jinyoung reassured you. He felt his heartbeat thump wildly as he looked at your gently smiling face. Should he say it? Should he talk about the elephant in the room? Even though he hadn’t prepared what to say?

“About… about last night…”

You blinked. “Yeah?”

He sighed. “About your mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I know that’s no excuse, but I should have been there and-”

You cut him off with a forced smile. “Jinyoung. It’s okay. It’s not like you could have done anything for her even if you were here, you’re not a doctor. Everyone did the best they could.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I might not have been able to help her. But… I should have been there for you.”

The smile dropped from your face. What could you say? Jinyoung’s eyes were filled with shame but it wasn’t the right time for him to be offering condolences. That time had long passed.

But you still remembered his words from last night as he’d hugged you. I don’t feel as alone when I’m here. Jinyoung had been through so much. How could you say anything to such a broken man except for it’s okay? How could you offer him anything but comfort when he had nobody but you?

How could you not be the bigger person when he was suffering?

“It’s fine, Jinyoung,” you promised him softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“How can I not-”

“Seriously. Please. It’s in the past and nobody was to blame. It happened around the time your company was going public, so I can only imagine how chaotic your life and work must have been back then. I don’t resent you.”

Jinyoung looked up at you in disbelief. “How can you not?”

“I just… don’t. It’s fine.”

“Do you really mean that? Do you really mean that?” he demanded.

“I do,” you insisted firmly. You glanced at your watch and sighed. “Wow, it’s getting late. We have a PTA fundraiser at school tonight so I need to start setting up. Oh! Did you bring my bicycle by any chance?” you asked him hopefully.

Jinyoung shook his head. “Uh, no. The reporters were in front of my house so I slipped out through the back…”

“Can you drop it by the school later? I’m going to staying back pretty late because I have to wrap up after the event is over. It might even take till midnight and the buses stop running at 9 so I need a way to get home. It’s not too much trouble, is it?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll drop it off here later.”

You gave him a small smile as you turned to go back indoors. “Bye, Jinyoung.”

“Bye.”

---------------------------

The PTA fundraiser left you drained of energy.

You would much rather have dealt with a hundred kids at once than with a handful of parents. At least kids could be made to see reason, they could be convinced with a little bit of logic (however flawed). Adults, on the other hand, believed that they knew best and that things had to be done exactly the way they wanted. Adults were unreasonable. Adults liked to throw around their authority.

You had never wanted to get into bed so badly.

You stayed back late to clean up after the fundraiser was over. It wasn’t required of you, but it was something that you somehow ended up volunteering to do. All the other teachers had families to go home to and kids to take care of. You only had an empty apartment.

Asking them to stay back instead of you felt selfish.

You slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged out into the parking lot to see that the bicycle racks were empty. Shit. Had Jinyoung forgotten to leave the bicycle behind for you? Where was he?

You pulled out your cell phone and then sighed. Damn Park Jinyoung. He didn’t even have a stupid phone. It was far past the time that Mr. and Mrs. Park would have gone to bed and you didn't want to wake them by calling them. But your apartment was too far to walk and you would have to pass by the pub; you had no interest in meeting the town’s drunkards alone in those narrow alleys  at midnight.

You sighed and dialled another number.

“Jackson, hey. I’m so sorry, I know you just left a little while ago, but…”

-------------------

It was 1am when you heard a loud banging on your front door.

You had just finished taking a shower and were getting ready to slip into bed when the noise began. Your heartbeat racing, you grabbed hold of a kitchen knife quickly and then slowly approached your door.

“Who’s there?” you yelled out, voice shaking.

The voice that replied was muffled. “Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung? At this time of night?

You opened the door carefully. The first thing that hit you was the awful smell; Jinyoung stank of sweat and cheap beer. His eyes were red and his face flushed as he looked at you almost wildly.

“Are you okay?” he demanded, grabbing your shoulders to look at you properly. His hands were trembling and he seemed unaware of how loud his voice was. “Are you all right? I was looking for you everywhere!”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you’re drunk.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry- I’m so, so, sorry-”

“How about you come inside before you bring my neighbours running over with all of your noise?” you snapped. You had little patience for drunks, and knowing that Jinyoung had been out getting drunk instead of returning your bicycle did not please you. “Where have you been?”

Jinyoung stared at you helplessly, his arms waving around as he spoke. “I-I was just going to get one drink, I swear. But it led to another and I totally forgot about your bike and I was so scared that you might have walked home because I know that path passes by the pub and it’s not safe-”

“Relax,” you told Jinyoung as you guided him gently towards your couch. “I didn't walk. I called Jackson, he drove me home.”

“Jackson? Wang? Why? Are you guys close?” he asked, plopping down heavily on the couch.

You shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”

Jinyoung paused for a moment and then hung his head quietly.

“We used to be good friends.”

You looked down at Jinyoung properly. He was a wreck. His dark hair was a tangled mess and the light blue dress shirt he was wearing was wrinkled with a beer stain on it. There were even large sweat stains under his arms; he’d probably cycled all the way here in a panic.

And he’s one of the Most Eligible Bachelors under 40. If only the magazine had seen him like this.

“We’re still friends,” you told him lightly. “Although it wouldn’t do any harm to return my bicycle when I ask for it. Do you want a glass of water?”

Jinyoung blinked at you dazedly. “Do you have beer?”

“Absolutely not. Haven’t you had enough?”

His lower lip pouted slightly as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve been drinking all evening but I haven’t reached the point where I feel good or forget about my problems yet. In fact, I keep thinking about them even more. How about a cigarette?”

“You will not smoke in my house,” you told him with a firm glare.

To your surprise, Jinyoung suddenly smiled. It was only a gentle curve of his lips but you spotted it and frowned at him with your arms folded across your chest. “Are you feeling proud of yourself right now? Do you think your behaviour is something to laugh about?” you demanded.

Jinyoung looked up at you softly. “No.”

“Then why are you-”

“Because this is the first time you’ve given me that look since I came back,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. His voice trembled. “This is the first time you got angry at me. You don’t seem to get angry at me anymore.”

You didn’t understand. “Why would you want me to be angry at you-”

“Because you have to be angry with someone before you can forgive them. You have to first admit that they hurt you or that they did something wrong, and only then can you begin to repair your relationship,” Jinyoung whispered. He looked up at you and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. “So tell me honestly. Have you forgiven me already?”

You swallowed. “I was never mad at you to begin with-”

“You’re lying.”

You clenched your fists as your heartbeat thudded. “I’m not lying. You’re drunk. You should drink some water and you can sleep on the couch-”

Jinyoung looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot yet surprisingly clear. “You are lying. Either you’re lying or you’re not the same girl I remember.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because the girl I knew wouldn’t have pretended to forgive a friend to spare his feelings. She would have grabbed me by the shirt, looked me in the eye, and said Park Jinyoung, you’re an absolute bastard for leaving me here when I was having a hard time. She wouldn’t have spared my feelings. She would have expected me to be there for her because that’s what friends do. They count on each other.”

You closed your eyes. How had Jinyoung seen right through you? Even after 10 years, how could he see through you like you were made of glass?

“I’m not angry,” you tried to tell him slowly, even though you weren’t sure who you were convincing anymore. “Because I never expected you to be there. You were busy and I had no expectations-”

Jinyoung scoffed. “You’re lying again.”

“I’m not-”

“You are. Friendship is when you help someone, because you trust that they would do the same for you. What you’re doing for me isn’t friendship. You don’t trust me anymore. If you have no expectations from me, then that’s charity!” Jinyoung spat out. Tears were brimming in his eyes and his voice was choked. “Is that what I am to you? Charity?”

You clenched your fists and let out a small, humourless laugh. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

“What?”

“Where the fuck do you get off accusing me of treating you like charity? After what you did?” you snapped.

Jinyoung stared at you blankly. “Tell me.”

Your throat closed up. You didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to drag yourself back to what had been the lowest point of your life, especially not in front of Jinyoung. You didn’t know who he was to you anymore. How could you open up to him?

“I can’t,” you muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung.”

“Please,” Jinyoung whispered. “Please. At least tell me I was a terrible friend for not being there. Tell me I was a terrible friend for not even knowing about your mother.”

You took a deep breath and sat down, your knees feeling weak. You had never imagined that you would have to sit next to Jinyoung and say these words to him while he was drunk. Yet, as his dark eyes pierced into yours, he looked more sober than ever.

“It was my fault she died,” you whispered, shakily. “I know how hard my Mom worked to raise me. I know how much she struggled after my Dad passed away. The doctor told me her heart attack was probably caused by stress- years of it. She was growing old but she’d never even gone for a health check-up because we couldn’t afford it.”

Jinyoung stared at you silently.

“I needed someone to say this to back then,” you admitted quietly. “I needed someone who would listen to me and who wouldn’t try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault or that I didn't do anything wrong. That’s what everyone kept doing. They kept trying to comfort me but I just wanted someone who would listen. I wanted you,” you mumbled.

Jinyoung only nodded. His hands reached out to take both of yours. He grasped them tightly.

“I knew you were busy, but I always had this hope that maybe you would come to the funeral,” you whispered. “I thought… surely, whatever I did to make you cut me off, it wasn’t so bad that you wouldn't even turn up to my mother’s funeral. But the truth was that I couldn’t grieve properly because the hospital was hounding me about the bills, I…”

You took a deep breath. You hated thinking about those moments. You had felt so helpless and alone, backed into a corner. “I don’t think it even sank in that my mother was dead until a few days later,” you mumbled. “ I spent the first day wondering how the hell I was going to pay the hospital bills instead of thinking about her. Your mother tried comforting me, she told me it would all be fine and that she would call you for help.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes; tears were clinging to his eyelashes.

“She did,” he mumbled.

You felt the walls around you come crashing down as you looked at the broken man in front of you. You remembered how badly you’d wanted to see him then, how much you’d craved his comfort. You remembered how furious you had been when you realized that Jinyoung had abandoned you.

“I thought you would call,” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to disturb you but at the same time I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me alone at a time like that.”

Jinyoung’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

“It would have been better if you hadn't done anything at all,” you mumbled. “Maybe then I could have forgotten about it in the mess that I was going through. But you didn’t. I got a call from your secretary the night before the funeral.”

Jinyoung lowered his head. His hands were trembling even as they held yours and you could hear his soft sniffle. “Shit,” he muttered, his voice thick with tears. “Shit, I can’t believe-”

“I thought you’d finally called. But it wasn’t you. I had to hear some strange woman tell me over the phone that Park Jinyoung is sorry he can’t make it to the funeral but he sends his condolences,” you choked out. You smiled humorlessly. “As if I was some distance acquaintance you barely knew. You sent me your condolences through your secretary.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t know it was you…”

“And then she told me that if I would just email her a copy of the hospital and funeral bills then all the expenses would be taken care of,” you mumbled. “She said that she could send me as much as I needed, no limit. I was so embarrassed. I wanted-I wanted to tell her that you could go fuck yourself and that I didn’t want your condolences and your money. I wanted to refuse so badly, but…”

You hung your head in shame. “But I couldn’t,” you whispered. “I couldn’t say that to her because it was true. I had no other way of paying those bills. So I sent her the details and I let you pay for them. Whether you know it or not, you paid for all my mother’s hospital bills and funeral while I sat here and wondered how I had become such a worthless daughter.”

Jinyoung’s hands clasped yours so tightly that it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and you could see the sobs racking his chest. “I didn’t mean to-” he sobbed. Jinyoung’s tears landed on your clasped hands. “I didn’t mean to, I swear…”

You slowly removed your hands from his. “I have the accounts,” you muttered. “I’ve been saving up to pay you back. It might take me a few more years but-”

Jinyoung flinched. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not open to discussion, Jinyoung.”

“Don’t say you’ll pay me back, please-”

“I will pay you back,” you said firmly. You took a deep breath. “You know why? Because I might be able to forgive you for not being there when I needed you. But I will never, never forget how cheap I felt the moment I ended that phone call. So don’t talk to me about charity; I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. He felt light-headed and blank as he thought about everything you’d said. No wonder you didn’t consider him a friend. No wonder you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him. No wonder there was something fake and forced about your every smile.

Jinyoung hadn’t just messed up.

He had destroyed something precious to him without even realizing it.

“It’s late,” you mumbled after a brief silence. “You should go to sleep. Here, just; make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I-I can’t…”

“You’re not going anywhere at this time of night while you’re drunk,” you told him. You pushed him lightly so that he leaned back against the sofa. “Stay put. I’ll be back. I think we’ve talked enough for tonight.”

“Can you just promise me one thing?” Jinyoung asked quietly.

“What’s that?”

“Even if you don’t consider me your friend anymore, even if you’re just being nice to me because you’re that kind of a caring person… don’t give up on me completely.” Jinyoung looked up at you desperately. “Please. Tell me that I can fix things. Tell me I haven’t broken our friendship and my life beyond repair.”

You looked down at him. Lying on your couch in his crumpled dress shirt and the beer stains, Jinyoung looked pathetic. Perhaps it was because you’d finally let out all the resentment you’d been bottling up for so long. Perhaps it was because, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes now, you could see that he did care. But you suddenly didn’t feel so hollow anymore.

You didn’t feel so lonely in your pain.

“Everything can be fixed, Jinyoung,” you told him softly.

“Even us?” he mumbled.

You nodded. “Even us.”

“Even me?”

“Especially you.”

Jinyoung slowly closed his eyes and you went into the other room to get him a spare pillow and a blanket. He let you place the pillow under his head and snuggled into the soft blanket. You turned to switch off the light when you heard him mumble.

“You know something?”

“What, Jinyoung?”

“I thought that the most unbearable thing about being fired from the company was all the effort I’d put into it. I thought I couldn’t bear it because I’d done so much for it for the years,” he said slowly.

You blinked at his curled up figure under the blanket.

“But it’s not?” you asked.

Jinyoung shook his head. “It’s not how much I’ve done for the company that I can’t bear. It’s how much I sacrificed for it.”

-------------------

[babeejeon]

tag tag tag

 @livlovesbangtan and @gukieyoongles tagged me, thanxx 🤭🤭🤭 

I wrote too much stuff and also stupid stuff, feel free to pass it if it bores you. But it really relieved me to get these of my chest.

little rules our game has is;

*tag the person who tagged you

*answer the questions

*tag 10 people

i am starting ahahaha!

1. how tall are you?

I am 163 cm i guess, but I haven’t have measured since 8th grade and actually I feel like I haven’t grow since then. And my lil sis is even taller than my ideal height, ugh cryyy... Is there any one magic to spare me a few centimeters 🙏🙏

2. what colour and style is your hair?

My real hair colour is dark brown but i colored my hair with some temporary hair dye at the end of 2017 and around february 2018, 2 times. I dye it to a colour ‘Toffee Caramel’ and since my hair has really dark colour i didn’t expect it to change my hair colour too much but i think it did. Actually the dye was popular and also under nice brand. So i trusted and it was saying only for 28 wash or something <sorry i couldn’t translate 🤭🤭🤭> But i still have that dye at the ends of my hair but it looks horrible but my hair is so damaged. I cut it short, it doesn’t get longer and i don’t know what to do. I want to dye my hair in darker colour, similar to my real hair color and have my own colour back but my sister doensn’t let me do. HELP!!!

3. what colour are your eyes?

Dark brown 🤭🤭🤭 listen this song  😉 this song for all the jungoo lovers..

PS: I might write somethings about this song 🤭🤭🤭

4.  do you wear glasses?

Thankfully no. Because glasses never look good on me, even sunglasses. Maybe because i have sharp and thick eye brows but i love my eye brows  🤭 🤭🤭 But everyone in my family wears glasses due to eye problems so i might wear in the future.

5.  Do you wear braces?

I never wear braces and actually i am scared of dentists so i am glad. 

6.  what’s your fashion sense?

Actually it is very complicated. I might like anything. But i am not so into popular fashion sense, i sometimes find it weird or can’t like some fashion trends no matter what. 

I like to wear anything i found stylish and what wanted to wear and if feel that suited me. Actually if i feel confident with my clothes, hair, make up and over all look, my day starts so nice but if not, nothing helps too much. But lately i am in a depressive mood, especially at college and i feel super fat and ugly and i had other problems. But i am in a spring break and i hope to start motivated to new semester.

I love high waisted jeans and short tshirts. I dont like thick sweaters because i feel suffocated idk why. I love wearing short sleeves any time. I love sneakers. I love cute clothes. 

7.  full name?

I dont want to expose my real name here, I mean friends i have here know it but this post can be seen by everyone and i dont want anyone from my real life to find me so i am passing this question, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

8.  when were you born? 

I was born in 1999 and @gukieyoongles i definetely agree to you about being 90′s child ahaha if my older sister read this she would laugh at this 90′s child part but yes i am 😒😒😒

9.  where are you from and where do you live now?

I will pass this question too, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

10.  what school do you go to?

I am in college or university, I don’t know the difference between them, please enlighten me. We use university in my language but to be exact i am undergraduate student.

11.  what kind of student are you?

I used to be number one student because my mother was primary school teacher, my father is professor at university and my sister studied in best schools. So i had the effect and actually i was so focused and used to this thing. But in last semester of 10th grade my life turned upside down in the aspect of success. I lose it so fast and it added up my depression, I felt like only speciality i had was being a succesful student and now i am nothing. But i actually lost my motivation that times so i didnt put some effort. But due to my 10 years of hard work, I get the chance to get into nice university.

I am still lazy and unsuccessful but lately trying to get better so wish me luck 🙏🙏🙏

12.  do you like school?

I dont like it but that must be something with my self. Because after 2 semesters i still couldn’t adapt it totally. I hate being alone at school but also i am not such a social butterfly. So i feel confused. I have friends but i feel awkward sometimes. I don’t know adult life is so hard.

And also i sometimes feel like i hate my major but sometimes i love. So when the lessons are hard i cry and feeling like i dont belong here. So my advise is studying your dream job. but i dont have one, so yeah 😫😫😫

13.  favorite subject? 

Actually none, engineering majors suck. I love English lessons because i only feel confident in them and understand things easily and sometimes enjoy. But it is also about academic sides of English, so not very fun.

14.  favourite tv shows?

I don’t watch tv, also i don’t watch tv shows online too. I sometime start series on Netflix or some korean dramas but lose my interest soon. I AM BORED BORING 🤐🤐🤐

15.  favourite movie?

I don’t have an exact one but I love Harry Potter films and Midnight in Paris as the ones i remember. I recently watched To All The Boys i Loved Before, Like for Likes(korean film), Shazam and enjoyed all there of them.  But i don’t have a favourite one because i don’t watch a lot.

16.  favourite books?

I am not a good reader of real life books because i might lost my consciousnes with fanfiction and fangirl stuff. But now i really want to read somethings, but have no time, but will try my best.  This year i finally read Pride and Prejudice and love it too much. *searches for her Darcy hopelessly* 🤭🤭🤭 I also read a book related to Pride and Prejudice, it’s name is Austenland and it slapped me in the face about reality. If someone read it, dm me, i really need someone to talk about it without giving spoilers.

Also i read last year Stranger by Albert Camus. I don’t think i understand it exactly but it gave me this feeling in my chest. I think a lot of people probably read it, I would also love to talk about this book if you dm me.

I read all Harry Potter books except the last one idk why. But i read them in 8th grade. I know I was pretty late to read them but I was scared of Harry Potter 🤭🤭🤭 But now I reminisce that year as the best year of my life despite the fact that i was preparing for high school enterance exams. So Harry Potter holds a lot of emotions and memories for me.

17.  favourite pastime?

Wasting my time! Spending all my time on social media. Sleeping too much. Listening music with my earphones and stare outside dreamily. Doing some penpal and bulletjournaling projects(i cant do lately tho)

But in everyday life my favourite past time is listening songs we like while my sister is driving us to school. We also talk, gossip, laugh, sing along. We do it everyday while commuting and i enjoy it too much. Our school is pretty far and i dont really enjoy car rides but sometimes i enjoy this time too much that i want it to last longer.

18.  do you have any regrets?

Too many. But i can’t change them. So best thing is focusing to future but I am a person who lives thinking past and lost chances or mistakes so it ruins me. But actually to live it free, forgetting and trying to not to do them again is the best.

19. dream job?

I dont really know, but something that can make me happy. I want to go to work eagerly, enjoy my work and be proud of with my life. Something that can satisfy me and make me improve myself.

I had dreamed to be singer similar to @livlovesbangtan . But I might hate singing if I have the responsibility so no. I would love to sing and annoy people while showering like Namjoon. 🤭🤭🤭

20. would you ever like to be married?

Yes, i would love to. But actually for a very long time marriage scared me. Because of the people around me and our culture. My dad and mom had rational marriage so it also made me lose my faith. Also i see like everyone marry and streotypical life starts. People work, have childs and WHAT!!!

I am not necesserily living for marrying. I would never, if I can’t find the love of my life or i can’t trust someone. But i am such a hopeless romantic, I want to experience pure love for someone and get the same love back. It doesn’t sound so realistic so I might find it ever. But still i wish.

I want to have someone I can trust but actually it never happens in real life. Or i can’t like someone in that way, i always find some flaws. So i really need to fall in love miserably to not to see anything and love someone too much, but i don’t know if i can.

I want my s/o to propose me in a night picnic, alone and out of sudden. I would love him to carry the ring in his necklace and didn’t plan to propose exactly. Like he wants to but doesn’t know when, so he carries it with him. And that night with outbursting love, he would propose me and i accept and we have surprise weddding that night by our selves. UwU *dead*

21.  would you like to have kids?

I am not sure. First of all, I would marry to spend all my time with my s/o not for having childs. <saying this just because a lot of people around me does like that> 

I love kids but I am not sure. Like they are so cute as a baby and child but what if i can’t stand while they are in puberty?! 🤭🤭🤭

Also i sometimes feel like ‘why did i born? i didn’t want this? i don’t want to live!’ . Also feel like what if my child feels the same? Also think it is selfish to bring someone to life because we want to but life is just for suffering. Idk, i am pretty pessimist sometimes. And i dont know 😭😭😭

but i love babies, especially when they hold my forefinger with their whole fist. *cryyyyyy*

22.  how many?

Idk, bro.

23.  do you like shopping?

Yes 😉🤗🤭 i love to buy stupid things that i dont need or use.

24.  what countries have you visited?

I only visited UK and actually i loved it 😍😍😍. Also spent one day in Georgia, see around in a one day trip. But i would like to see more. 

25.  scariest nightmare you have ever had?

Let’s not talk about this. I see stupid, weird, annoying, scary dreams too much and i hate it.

26.  any enemies?

I used to have too many, but actually i realised it was one sided hate. They annoyed me but didn’t give any fuck. I hated but it only effected me, they continued carelessly so i decided to not to have one. I feel annoyed and dislike and hate people but control it to not to effect on my life. Also i try to not to have any fights with anyone. If i really don’t like them i ignore them etc.

27. any significant other?

Not yet but waiting for him to find me!

But i can’t pass this without mentioning jeon the dork jungkook. I love him 😍😭🤭

28. do you get along with your family?

I love them and i am very attached to them but also fight with them time to time.

29.  do you believe in miracles?

I believe but don’t believe i will have one.

30. how are you?

I dont know. Not too bad, not too good, enjoying but sometimes bored but sometimes tired of this life but sometimes enjoying too much???

I warned at the start so i don’t know if someone is reading still. but thanks for reading and feel free to talk to me about this stuff.

I tag everyone who wants, please tag me so i can read your answers. as the 10 people thing;

@teanites @artjjk @nochuuuenthusiast @yoongspeach @iamsadsstuff @mintseesaw @jeons-wasabi @arthoejaebum @yoongithes @kayakookie

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Nothing New (Jimin x You ft. Park Jihyun)

MASTERLIST

A/N: this is the result of what happens after spending the whole night googling and staring at Jimin’s and Jihyun’s beautiful faces. how can a pair of brothers be so good looking? hahaha. 

Summary : Falling for your brother’s best friend is nothing new. So its nothing when Jimin falls for Jihyun’s bestfriend right? Especially when the said friend has a huge crush on Jihyun himself?

“Wow, not bad!” Jimin exclaimed as he pushed his sunglasses up to his head from obstructing the view of his little brother’s new apartment. Jihyun just moved to Seoul to continue his studies, and Jimin and his parents are currently looking around his new apartment, making sure he has eveything he needs. His parents are busy combing through every inch of the place, making sure that their son will live comfortably.

“Mom, dont worry so much. I’m already an adult! And Jimin-hyung is just nearby!” Jihyun sighed at his mother constant worry.

“Your brother wont always be able to take care of you Jihyun. What are you going to do when he’s on tour or something?” Jihyun rolled his eyes.

“Oh my god. I know how to take care of myself mom! I dont need Jimin-hyung to babysit me!” Jimin chuckled, understanding both his mother’s and Jihyun’s distressed. His little brother is the family’s baby, of course his parents is going to make a fuss about him moving so far away from home. And Jihyun is finally an adult, so he must be craving for some sort of freedom, and moving away from the family gives him exactly that. “And to make you feel better, shall I remind you that Y/N is my roommate?”

Their mother nodded in an obvious relief after remembering the fact. “Yes, you are right. I forgot you are living with Y/N. At least I can count on her to make sure you eat and at least take a bath once a day,” Jihyun rolled his eyes again.

“We are the same age! How can you trust her more that you trust me?!”

“Wait, Y/N is going to live with you? Your puny bestfriend who has the biggest crush on you?” Jimin raised both of his hands, halting the conversation between Jihyun and his mother. This is news to him. His baby brother is all grown up and having a girl as a roommate.

“She’s not puny hyung! And she does not have a crush on me! We are just best friends!” Jihyun denied whole heartedly.

“Oh honey. She obviously has the biggest crush on you. But I don’t blame her one bit. My son is so handsome, it will be weird if she didnt like you,” his mother went over and pinched his cheeks.

“Oh god, please dont say things like this when she arrived please,” Jihyun groaned. “I dont want to scare her off,” Jimin laughs. Jihyun and Y/N has been bestfriends since they were little, running around and playing in the mud together. Y/N was a timid little girl, shy and awkward, with a slim tiny body that makes Jimin always perceived her as a weak small child who followed his brother around like a puppy. It is also a well known fact that she has the biggest crush on Jihyun, although his brother doesnt seem to recriprocate the feelings, but they are still the best of friends. The doorbell rings, snapping Jimin out from his thoughts.

“Hyung, can you get that? Its probably Y/N. We need to move this couch over there,” Jihyun motioned to the new couch they just bought. Jimin nodded and went to open the door, only to be greeted with a girl who doesnt resemble the puny girl he had imagined, but instead a full grown woman, smiling brightly at him.

“Oppa?”

“Erm… I think you have the wrong house. This is Park Jihyun’s apartment,” Jimin stammered, still mesmerized by the girl’s beauty and eye blinding smile.

“Oppa! Jimin oppa! It is you! I can recognized your face anywhere. You look a lot like Jihyun oppa, how can I ever not recognize you?” The girl laughs. Jimin was surprised. Who is this girl and why does she know both him and his brother? Jimin took another look at her face and he starts to see something familiar in her eyes.

“Wait… Y/N?”

“Duhh. Of course its me oppa! Who else could it be? Dont think just because you have become a hot shot idol and didnt visit me for the last four years that I would let you slide for not recognizing me!” She squeals while rolling her eyes and jumped in to give Jimin a tight hug, just like she usually did when she used to see him when she was younger.

But everything about this hug felt different. Jimin didnt feel like he’s hugging Jihyun’s puny bestfriend. In fact, he is hyperly aware that he is hugging a beautifully grown woman, and as Jimin smell and feel her scent, the smell of her hair and the curves of her body, he knows he’s fucked.

/////

Ever since moving day, Jimin spend a lot of time visiting Jihyun’s apartment, using “checking out what’s his beloved brother is up to” as a definite reason. He will just sometimes randomly showed up, sometimes with takeout food, sometimes with a movie, sometimes with an invitation to treat the two of them to dinner or lunch.  If he’s lucky, Y/N, the person he wanted to actually see will be there, and on even more luckier days, only Y/N will be there while Jihyun is out doinf errnads or attending classes and having something needs to do, dressed in an oversized shirt and messy hair in a bun, which had become Jimin’s favorite look on her.

Jimin thought his infatuation on his brother’s best friend will pass. He meets beautiful girls all the time when he works, why is Y/N any different right? Just another pretty face, that is nothing new to him. But she is not. He knows she’s not, and as he spends more and more time with her, Jimin starts to fall harder. He starts to fall for her laugh, her sense of humour, her views in life, her sarcasm, everything about her.

Jimin wonders how this could happen to him. How did this little girl grow up and turned into everything he wants in a girl? And why does his dream girl has to have a huge crush on his own brother?

“I think I’m in love,” Jimin suddenly declared as him, Taehyung and Yoongi are lazing around watching TV.

“Oh fuck, do I have to be here for this? Can I just go?” A sleepy Yoongi immediately gets up from his sleeping form. Jimin glared at him. Taehyung shifted himself to sit beside Jimin and looked at his hyung who is sleepily hugging a pillow.

“I’ll take care of this. You can go continue sleeping in your room hyung,” with Taehyung’s confirmation, Yoongi immediately gets up and hastily went to his room.

“Seriously. That hyung! How can sleep be more important than my feelings right now?” Jimin grumbled, making Taehyung laughs.

“Dont worry about him. Now tell me what is this about? I didnt even know you are meeting a girl Chim. How can you not tell me?” Taehyung pouts.

“I did tell you about her Tae. Its Jihyun’s roommate, the one I always told you about,” Jimin said quietly, feeling weird to admit out loud about his feelings towards Y/N. Taehyung’s eyes widen as he remembered who Jimin is talking about.

“Wait. You think you are in love with Jihyun’s best friend? The one you called puny and awkward?” Taehyung exclaimed. Jimin scooted lower in the couch.

“She’s not puny anymore Tae! Nor is she awkward. She has turned into this… this… beautiful woman,” Jimin passed him his phone to show a picture of Y/N that they took together recently. Taehyung’s eyes widen again at the picture.

“Woahhh,”

“Who’s the hot chick?” Jungkook who passes by peeked at the phone in Taehyung’s hand. Jimin immediately snatched his phone back. Its bad enough he has to fight for Y/N’s attention from his own brother, he’s not going to win if the muscle pig maknae joins the race.

“Nobody,” Jimin grumbled. Taehyung laughs at his friend’s reaction.

“Its Chim’s new love interest Kook. Dont even think about it,” Taehyung warns him with a playful smile.

“Jimin-hyung sure knows how to pick them. She’s really hot,” Jungkook gave one last statement before walking away, leaving the two of them alone again to continue thier dicussion.

“She’s gorgeous Chim. Now I know what you mean,”

“The problem is, its not just her looks that I like. I like her Tae. Everything about her. She just… gets me, you know?” Jimin sighed as Taehyung nodded silently.

“Have you tried telling her how you feel?”

Jimin shake his head. “No. How can I? She likes Jihyun remember? And isnt it weird for someone you have always think as a big brother suddenly confessed to being in love with you?” Jimin groaned in frustration at the fact. He really dont know what to do. He wants Y/N so bad but she is so out of reached. He doesnt want to scare her off either.

“There’s no harm in trying. You did told me that Jihyun doesnt seem to like her in that way right? On the bright side, you know she must finds you atleast a little attractive at the rate she keeps saying how good looking Jihyun is. You and your brother has the same look Chim!” Taehyung grins, making Jimin smile too. That is true. People has always said that Jihyun looks a lot like him. So if Y/N finds Jihyun to be handsone, she must thinks Jimin is handsome too. “So just go for it Chim. You got nothing to lose, but a lot to gain. What’s the worse that could have happen anyway?”

Jimin nodded and but wonders if he will ever find the balls to do what Taehyung suggested.

/////

Jimin lets himself enters the apartment when no one answered after he knocked a hundred times and found that the door is unlocked. He is greeted with the sight of Y/N vaccuming the living room while dancing, or atleast tried to, and singing loudly to Twice which is playing on the TV.

No wonder they cant hear me knocking. Still,  its absolutely dangerous to leave the door unlock like that!

Jimin take purchased and stand by the back wall, silently watching Y/N who still didnt realized his presence. Jimin felt his heart beats faster as he watched Y/N trying to follow Twice’s dance, looking adorable as hell as she shakes her body, trying her best but fail miserably to follow the group’s cute moves. Jimin always thought girl groups are cute when they danced, but when Y/N does it, its cuteness on a whole other level. Cuteness that just seems to do things to him. Y/N finally deemed the living room to be cleaned enough and turn off the vaccum and as she turned around, she almost had a heart attack seeing Jimin standing there, grinning at her.

“Oppa! When did you arrived? You scared me!” Jimin chuckled.

“Serves you right for not locking the door. Its dangerous! You two are careless!” He scolded her as he walks her way.

“Sorry oppa. We must accidentally forgot,” she smile sheepishly. “That is what big brothers are for right? To remind us of this things,” Jimin felt his heart ache as she calls him big brother. Is that all she will ever see him as? Jimin doesnt want to be her big brother. He wants to be more than that.

“Jihyun is taking a shower. Come and sit with me oppa while you wait for him,” Y/N patted the seat on the couch besides her, which Jimin happily obliged. The two of them continue watching the girl groups perform on the TV screen, well Y/N is. Jimin is just busy controlling his emotions and racing heart for sitting so close to her when Y/N suddenly turned to face him.

“Hey oppa?”

“Yes?”

“I always wonder. The girls are all so beautiful, cute, talented. Why didnt you or any of your members date any of them before?” Y/N’s question took Jimin by surprised. What is he supposed to say? That its because they are nothing like Y/N?  That he was never as attracted to those girls as he is with her? Sure, he finds them cute and he enjoys their performance, but a pretty face is nothing new for someone like Jimin. What’s new is how this particular girl that is currently besides him is able to make his heart beats faster just by smiling at him.

“Oh my god,” Y/N exclaimed when Jimin took too long to answer, turning her body to face him with a very excited face. “You did date them didnt you? But you cant tell anybody because you are afraid your fans will not like it? Is that it? Oppa, you can tell me! Please tell me!” Y/N grabbed his hand to shake it in her excitement at the thoughts of Jimin actually dating another idol, but the only thing Jimin can focused on is the goosebump and chills where Y/N’s skin touched his.

God Jimin, you really need to control yourself.

Jimin immediately shake his head at her accusation. “No! I never dated any of them Y/N! And nor do I want to,” He denied whole heartedly. Jimin really hates talking about other girls with Y/N. Why should he talk about things he have no interest it when he rather talk about her and how perfect she is for him instead? Cant she just realized that its her who Jimin really wanted?

“But why not? I know you like Red Velvet. I have seen you said it on some shows,” Y/N insisted, cocking her head to the side, questioning him. Parts of Jimin felt uneasy that Y/N has knowledge of his admittance for admiring the Red Velvet girls but another part of him is happy that Y/N actually watches his show. It only makes him feel like he should work harder from now on, just to make her proud of him. “It cant be because none of them are interested in you oppa. I mean, look at you oppa, you are so good looking and extremely talented. If they dont have a crush on you then they are surely blind!”

Jimin felt himself start to smile at the statement. So Y/N thinks he is good looking and talented. That thought alone is enough to make him stayed up and dwell about her possible feelings for him even further tonight. He cant help but feel a swell of pride and happiness in his chest.

“Those girls are not my type,” Jimin answered, short and direct, hoping it will make Y/N srop talking about this issue further. But what he really wanted to say is;  you are. You are my type Y/N. You are what my heart truly desires.

“Not your type? Beautiful and talented is not your type?” Y/N raised an eyebrow. “What is your type then oppa? Ugly and talentless?” She chuckles. “If that’s your type, then you should just date me!” Y/N laughs harder at her own joke, finding it particularly funny that her best friend’s brother, an extremely good looking idol would date her.But Jimin doesnt see it as a joke at all. He felt angry that Y/N called herself ugly and talentless, but he also feel his heart race faster at the thought of him dating Y/N. He starts to imagine what it would be like if he can hold her hand and kiss her whenever he wants to. Where he can spend all night listening to her talk and laugh. Where can tell everyone that she belongs to him and proudly show her off to the world. Jimin would give anything to be that someone for her.

“Y/N-”

“Oh hey hyung, when did you arrived?” Jimin was cut off and the two of them turned around to see Jihyun who is finally finished with his bath, only clad in a towel which is wrapped to cover the lower half of his body, droplets of water trickled down from his hair which is still wet from his recent shower to his tone chest and defined abs that is proudly showcased to their eyes. Jimin glanced at Y/N who is still by his side and watches how she is clearly staring at his little brother with her mouth gaping open, eyes wide and trying to control her breathing, admiring his brother’s well muscled body. Jimin sighed, jealousy and frustration starts to consumed his body as he tries hard not to cupped her face and turned her to look at him instead.

At this rate, will he ever be able to win Y/N’s love from his own brother?

/////

“Hey, happy birthday Y/N,” Jimin peeks his head through the crack of the opened sliding door that separates the currently full apartment with the breezy corridor. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Why are you hiding out here when its your own birthday?” He smile and took a seat besides her.

“Thanks for coming oppa. I didnt think you would come to a party that is filled with teenagers that can recognized you in a heartbeat,”

“Well, they already know I’m Jihyun’s brother anyway. That’s hardly a secret,” Jimin chuckles. “And I have this, idols’ secret weapon,” he took out a crumpled black face mask and grinned, making Y/N laugh. God, Jimin can listen to that laugh all day long.

“Wow, didnt know that’s the only thing you need to successfully hide yourself,”

“Think of it as our main disguise. Superman has his glasses, Batman took has his mask. And we idols cover our faces with this,” he laughs again. “And everybody is mostly drunk anyway, or at least half way there. I dont think they would remember me,”

“Oh? How about you then oppa? Why arent you drunk yet? This is a party you know,” Y/N smile.

“I dont drink at parties. I always try my best to keep sober. An… incident occured while me and my members went out drinking one day, so we decide to keep it to only a two drink maximum since then” Jimin explained as he cringed at the memory of that night.

“Okay, now this is something I would like to know in detail!”

“Not today Y/N. Its a Bangtan most confidential secret,” Jimin chuckled. “But really, what are you doing out here alone? You should be inside with your friends,”

Y/N sighed as she downed the rest of her drink and pour herself another shot from the bottle she had kept beside her chair. “I… dont feel like it,”

“Want to tell me about it?” Jimin asks softly as he detects the sadness in her voice. Y/N finally shrugged and answer after contemplating for a while.

“Oppa probably already know about it anyway. So whats the harm in telling you right?” Y/N closes her eyes and let the night breeze hit her face before she opens them again. “Jihyun introduces me to his girlfriend today. And then I saw them making out in the corner,”

“Y/N…”

“Its okay oppa,” Y/N try to laugh but it sounds so forced to Jimin. “I mean, we were never together anyway. And Jihyun has never lead me on although he knows perfectly well about my feelings. He is respectful and considerate that way. This is bound to happen anyway. He is the best bestfriend anyone could have ever asks for and he deserves to be happy,” Y/N dropped her gaze to the ground. “It just makes me thinks, that’s all. If my own best friend who knows me more than 20 years cant fall in love with me, then I probably dont have anything to offer that could attract anyone. I guess Im just not worthy to be loved,” she chuckles.

“Dont you dare say that,” Jimin growled. “Just because Jihyun cant see what perfection is, doesnt mean everybody else is the same Y/N,” Jimin pulled her in for a tight hug. “Somebody loves you. You just have to find him in the right places,” like right now, I’m here, right in front of you.  Jimin sighed. If only he can confessed to her right now, but looking at the situation, this is definitely not the right time. “So stop crying. A pretty girl like you should never cry over a boy. Especially over my stupid little brother,” Jimin teased as he passed her his handkerchief to wiped up all her tears.

God, Jimin hate to see her cry. He hate it when she was younger and he hate seeing it even more now. Only back then he used to think its because he cares for her like a sister, but now he knows better.

Y/N and Jimin spend the remaining of the party at the balcony, and Y/N felt like she had never laughed this much throughout her whole life. Not even with Jihyun, her best friend for years. It could probably just be because she’s drunk, as she keeps on refilling her empty glass, or it could be that Jimin is really funny and interesting as hell, and she just finally realizing the fact that they might have a lot in common, and she loves spending time with him.

But as morning arrived and Y/N wakes up naked and alone on her bed, with only a used condom tied up in her wastebasket and a man’s handkerchief by her nightstand, memory swipe clean from remembering anything that had happened the night before, Y/N’s only salvation is the tiny bit of blurry memory that she had met and spend time with a wonderful man last night, a man for the life of her she cant remember who, and it becomes her life mission to found out who it is.

“Maybe you got too drunk and just imagined it Y/N,” Jihyun said as he stuffed his face with a spoonful of cereal as both if them are having their usual breakfast in the kitchen. Y/N looked at her best friend in irritation. Its been a couple of days since the party and she’s still trying to backtrack her steps and remember who the mystery man is.

“I’m not dreaming Jihyun! It really happened! I know I had the most wonderful conversation and time with the mystery man, although I cant really remember the sex part though,” she grumbles, frustrated that she got to drunk and forget most of the night. “Then he must not be that great in bed if you can remember the appertizer but not the main course ,” Jihyun laughs at his own joke as Y/N hit him hard in the arm making him winced in pain, not amused with her best friend.

“What makes you think the sex is the main course? What if I actually prefer and enjoy talking to someone rather than having sex with them?” She glared at him. “And I know he’s real Jihyun. He left this remember?” Y/N placed the handkerchief on the kitchen counter, the only clue she have on her mystery man as she sighed. She is positive it belongs to hin, whoever he is.

Who are you? And why are you hiding your identity from me?

/////

It almost been a week since Jimin went to visit Jihyun’s apartment after the party. He misses Y/N so much, but after what he did that night, he just cant bare to looked Y/N in the eyes.  How can he? The guilt he felt is too much. He slept with her. But what makes him more guilty is not the fact that he did, but the fact that he enjoys it. That it has become the most magical night of his life and Y/N dont even remember in opposed to Jimin who is stark sober and remember every detail that happened that night.

How can he feel this way towards his litlle brother’s best friend? How can he take advantage of her like that?

He actually slept with Y/N.

How could he go back and pretend like nothing happen? How can he contained his feelings in front of her now that he knows how good she feels like in his arms? How perfect she is with him? He cant possibly tell her about what happened that night. He cant possibly tell her about his feelings either. She would hate him if she found out, and he cant have that. He rather swallowed all his pain and have her close than have her hating him.

So he did what all man who are in love and afraid would do. He avoided her.

/////

“Hey Jihyun. Mom told me she send me a package through you. Im here to pick it up,” Jimin yelled out for his brother as he entered the apartment. He specifically chose this time to come over because he knows Y/N’s class schedule like the back of his hand. He wouldnt want to risk running into her. No, he cant have that

“Oh yeah, its on the kitchen counter,” Jihyun yelled back as he makes his way to his brother from his room. Jimin went to picked up the heavy package and as he is about to walk away he saw his handkerchief that Y/N has laid out on the counter a days before.

Oh here it is. Didnt remember that I left it here. Jimin shrugged, assuming he must have left it during one of his visits, not remembering that he use it at the party at all and picked it up.

“Hyung… is that… is that yours?” Jihyun who walked into the kitchen just in time to see Jimin pocketed the handkerchief asks with eyes widen in shocked.

“Yeah. Its mine. I must have left it here by accident. Anyway, I gotta go, I’m late for practice as it is. See you later dongsaeng,” Jimin gave a tiny wave goodbye and hurriedly exited the apartment before Jihyun can say anything.

Jihyun stood frozen in his place, mouth wide open at the realization of what he just saw.

Y/N and his hyung?

Y/N, his childhood best friend and Park Jimin, his beloved hyung?

“Oh My God,” was all that could come out from his mouth.

/////

“Hyung, I need to talk to you,” Jihyun urgently said as he stepped inside his brother’s dorm.

“Woah, calm down. What happened?”

“Tell me the truth now hyung. I know you dont drink at parties, so you must be extremely sober and remember everything. So tell me, did you or did you not sleep with Y/N the night of her birthday?”

Jihyun’s question took Jimin by surprised. Why is his brother suddenly asking him such an intimate question? And such a bold question too? Shit, did Y/N send him here? Did Y/N  finally remembers and found out?  She cant be. She was really drunk that night. Did someone saw him leaving Y/N’s room?

“Hyung! Answer me!” Jihyun is growing impatient at his brother’s silence. Jimin hesitates but answered anyway.

“Yeah.. yeah.. I did,” he hung his head low in embarassement.

“What the fuck hyung?!”

“Jihyun, language! I’m still your hyung!” Jimin was surprised. His brother has never spoken out of line to him before.

“I dont that matters right now! She’s my best friend hyung! You cant just play with her like you do to other girls!” Jihyun is furious. He knows how good looking his brother is and how girls flocked around him. He also knows how Jimin never wanted a serious relationship. He is an idol anyway, he doesnt have time for that. But to play around with Y/N? Especially when the said girl kept on saying she felt some chemistry between her and the mystery guy from that night? Its just unacceptable!

Jimin, on the other hand is furious about his brother’s accusation. How dare he accused and assumed that he’s playing Y/N? Even if he isnt madly in love with her right now, he would never do that to her. He cares about her enough to not ever treat her like one of his common girls. And now that he’s fallen deep for her… well, it just makes him angry.

“How dare you say I’m just playing here!” Jimin growled at his brother who doesnt seem affected by his anger.

“You knew you slept with her but you didnt say anything? You left her to wake up alone and avoided her all week hyung! She spent all week trying to find who’s the mystery man she claimed to have such a wonderful time with that night and you just kept quiet like an idiot!” It irritates Jimin to hear his brother calling him names but he got a much bigger issue in hand. He will handle Jihyun’s insolance later.

“Wait, she remembers?”

“Well, she dont really remember the… sleeping together part,” Jihyun awkwardly said as he scratched his arm. He really didnt want to talk about his brother sex life, especially one involving his best friend. “And also the who part. But she believes the man she spent the night with is her perfect match. She claimed to have such a wonderful time with him,”

“Really?” Jimin cant help but give out a huge smile, turning his eyes into slits as Jihyun gave him an annoyed looked.

“Well, that was until she remembered it was you who she spend the time with earlier today when I told her you took the hanky, which you left the night you spend it with her, I might add. She had a sudden shocked and started to scream ‘oh my god its Jimin oppa’ before she starts to cry and ran out of the apartment,”

“What?! Where is she now?”

“I dont know, that is why I came here to find you,”

“And you didnt think to start with that? You are really an idiot Jihyun!” Jimin immediately grabbed his jacket and exited the door, trying to locate Y/N as fast as he could, leaving his idiotic brother who is still stunned by his reaction standing in the dorm.

Please be safe. And please dont hate me Y/N.

/////

Y/N swing her legs on the bench she was seating at as the cold night wind blows on her face. She has no more tears left to cry and her mind is blank. After Jihyun told him that Jimin took the hanky and claimed that it was his, a barrage of memories came crashing down on her. She remembers the talk they had at the balcony. How she laughs and laughs, how Jimin’s laughs sounds a like a beautiful tune to her ears, flashing her his eye smile and how she felt her heart beats a little faster whenever she caught Jimin just staying silent and staring at her. That moment was the first time in her life that she finally met someone who was able to make her forget about Jihyun. She remembers how she leads him into the bedroom and how they start to kiss each other, Jimin’s lips felt soft on hers before the kiss turned heated and passionate, filled with lust and want. She remembered how Jimin stared into her eyes as they both lay panting afterwards, and how he kiss her forehead and whispered multiple times that he loves her.

I love you Y/N. I really really love you. I love you so much.

Y/N close her eyes as the sound of Jimin whispering promises of love after they make love keeps on repeating in her head. Tears starts to trickled down her face again. She knows that Jimin remembers everything. He admit it himself that he dont get drunk anymore. But if he really meant what he said, that he really loves her, then why did he avoided her? Why didnt he tell her? Why didnt he say anything? Y/N felt like she shared a connection with the man from that night, but if the man is really Jimin, then she must have only imagining it. Jimin doesnt love her. He cant possibly. Especially now that she knows he is avoiding her after that night.

“Y/N,”

Y/N turned her head to see Jimin huffing out puffs of cold smoke as he walks towards her, looking extremely tired and bewildered, as if he had ran all the way here from god knows where.

“I found you. I actually found you! Thank god,” he sat down besides her, carressing her cold cheeks.

Y/N quickly wiped her eyes and try to smile, acting as if nothing happened, as if she didnt know anything. “Hi oppa. What are you doing here? Why are you looking for me?”

Jimin grabbed both her shoulders and turn her to face him. “Dont act like nothing happened Y/N. I know you know. Jihyun told me everything,”

Y/N released herself from Jimin’s gripped and scooted away from him. Fucking hell Jihyun, do you really have to ran off and tell it to your brother? Y/N make a mental note to beat Jihyun up when she gets home.

“I… uh… ah,”

“I’m sorry Y/N. I’m really really sorry,” Jimin pulled her by the wrist. Y/N shakes her head when she heard him apologizes.

“No oppa. I’m the one who should be sorry. I was the one who was drunk and probably threw myself at you. You have nothing to be sorry for. You-”

“What are you talking about?” Jimin growled. “I have plenty to be sorry for. I’m sorry for leaving you alone the next morning. I’m sorry for pretending like nothing happened. I’m sorry for acting like I didn’t know anything. I’m sorry for making you scared and confused. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you earlier,” Jimin now held both of her hands in his. “I’m sorry for making you feel like I took advantage of you Y/N. You deserved to be treated like a queen, not being left alone, confused and vulnerable after a night like that,” Jimin dropped his head in shame. He wished he could stay with her that night. To wake up with her by his side. To see her smiling face when he opens his eyes, but Jimin was afraid. Afraid that Y/N will only hate him if she knew about his feelings for her.

“Its okay oppa. I understand why you did it. Someone like you slept with someone like me, of course you dont want anyone to know about it,” Y/N gave a tiny smile, trying to hide her sadness.

“What the hell does that mean?” Jimin’s eyes flashed in anger. “Dont you ever dare think of yourself that way ever again! You… you are perfect to me Y/N,” Jimin’s voice turned soft. Y/N shakes her head again, diagreeing with him.

“Lets… lets just forget this whole thing ever happened and go back to like it was before,” Y/N suggested, emotionally tired to deal with anything anymore.

“I cant do that Y/N,” Jimin said in a serious tone, making Y/N’s eyes turned wide. “I cant go back to acting like you are just my little brother’s best friend…” he paused for a moment before continuing. “When… when I want to be so much more to you. I cant go back to before, acting like there is nothing between us when I can no longer contained my feelings for you,” Y/N blinked at his confession. “I dont know if you remember Y/N, but I already told you that night and I will tell it to you again. I love you Y/N. I am in love with you. Im in love with everything you are, and with everything I am, I promise I will try to make you happy, if you would have me,” Jimin smile.

“Im sorry for hurting you. For making you feel unworthy and unloved. That was never my intention. I was afraid if I stayed with you that night or told you what happened, you will be disgusted with me. And I cant bare to have you hate me Y/N,” Jimin closes his eyes before opening them again. “Jihyun told me that you felt a connection with that man you spend the night with Y/N. And I want you to know that I felt it too. No one was ever able to make me feel things like you do,”

Y/N finally flashed the biggest smile at his words. “I could never be disgusted or angry with you oppa…”

Jimin smile back and slowly starts to leaned in closer to her, inhaling her familiar scent that he missed. “I have never felt happier than I did during that night oppa. I cant even remember who is it but I can still remember the butterflies in my stomach, the way my heart races as I spend the night laughing away. I knew I fell in love that night. I was confused but deep down, I’m glad it was you oppa,”

Jimin nuzzled his nose with hers as he scooted in closer, pulling her in by the waist. He looks up into her eyes.

“So I take it you dont have a crush on Jihyun anymore?”

“I dont think so. But I might have to checked. Maybe I need to see his face one more time,” she teased.

“Y/N…” Jimin growled in warning, making her laugh. Jimin knows she’s joking, but he still felt a sense of jealousy at the thought of his dream girl lusting over his own brother.

“This is so cliche isnt it? Falling inlove with you best friend’s older brother?”

Jimin placed his hand behind her neck and whispered against her lips, “Yeah, its nothing new to fall in love with your brother’s best friend, but what you are making me feel everyday when I’m with you is definitely something new to me Y/N,” Jimin whispered softly in her ear as he closes his eyes, leans in closer and finally do what he had wanting to do for so long and touched his lips with hers, sealing their love for each other for eternity.

[coolranch1112]

The choice

as I walked down the hallway dragging my feet and hating my life wondering 'how the hell did I get in this position'. only one word came to mind, brother. more specific my twin tuffnut thorstone. I can handle shoveling dragon shit, cleaning all the weapons in the ford, putting out the fires we made, and apologizing to the people that we stole from, teams we destroyed, or other(the list goes on and on) but this, THIS, I mean this was the worst punishment he could think of. 'when I get my hands on that tiny, one legged, piece of tiny yack dung we call a chief I will rain the full force of lokie on him' was all that came to mind 'I mean for someone who isn't very into complicated and overly time consuming pranks I will make sure this will go on for several lifetimes'. soon my train of thought was interrupted by a simple question from one of my least favorite people at the moment. "so what color would you prefer, blue, yellow, maybe a light purple?" fishlegs asked pointing out the colorful fabrics he thought was nice in the shopbut was quickly inturupted by the other shorter boy in the room with us. "I know my princess would want a more dangers color like a deep red or a stunning night black," he stated pointing out the ones he had in mind for me, "oh you mean the colors that match your suit instead of something that matched her skin tone and personality." fishlegs stated flatly, "how about if the color faded on the dress. I'm sure your mom and brother could help us with that." 'Right now all I wanted was to get home and hide' but sure enough the kept at what they thought was a better color for me.

we had already been looking around the marked place for an hour for stuff I needed at home (which they happily helped carry) but then we passed a fair sized shop with all sorts of feminen things in it like jewelry, fancy hair ties/clips, and of course a tailor and a wall of fabric. unfortunately snotlout finally remembered something for once in his life and it was the opposite of what I wanted to hear, and at best my least favorite subject around this time of year. the summer cellabration, the time of year where we thank the gods for the warmest weather of the year and for asking for good weather in the future, they celebrate for three weeks one week before the extreme heat, during the extreme heat, and a week after to more of relax and enjoy the booze. The celebrating and parting is all up my ally but the one thing I disagree with is the night before the first day of the second week everyone gets dressed up in the nicest clothes they can get their hands on and the ladies get one day a year to where they can where a dress and not get blood on it. now I have never been big on having nice cloths in general. I mean I cant just blow something up in a brand new skirt even tuffnut would get onto me about it.

so now I was stuck having to pick out fabric for my dress with two Vikings arguing over who knows me best for some dumb male competition tom see who could get the only single chick on berk to marry them. honestly I was going to do this eventually because I was oldenough to understand the importance of this tradition but now it just felt like she was going to have to pick sides again. the worst part is they weren't the only people in on this the hole island has bets placed on who I'm going to pick! I mean I could just go back to throck but that would mean leaving tuff and I could never do that to him, and their is eret son of eret but he doesn't even like me, I actually think he has a thing for tuff but I think dagur dose too. uggg why dose my brother always affect my life, I mean come on. the two Vikings that I thought was done bickering had finally shut up but were now looking at me for a final decision.

"well beautiful what will it be my hot and sexy colors or fishguts messy sunset?", snotlout asked as if I was listening to the whole conversation, "I think what snot-breath meant to say was would you like something bright and pretty or dark and un-complimenting," fishlegs shot back as he glared at the shorter boy but then quickly turned his attention back to me with questioning eyes. I sighed an looked at both boys with an annoyed look befor walking past them to the wall of color behind them. now I did favor the red snotlout picked out mostly because I had a nice pair of legging and matching raps in the same color or vary close but the blues were all so enchanting and megestic like looking out over the ocean or walking through a thick forest in the morning. I went through and felt the fabrics that the boys were pinting out that they thought that looked nice because if I couldn't stand the feel of the material no way was I going to wear it. finnaly I hsaw a finger point out a color that looked absolutely amazing.

It was a soft burgundy that actually took my breath away. first of all the feel of the material was enough to persuade me into buying all they had in stalk along with any of the same material, I mean it felt like a one-day old baby's first blanket. the next thing that caught my attention was the actual color, it looked slightly different then all the other burgundy's out their but I just couldn't tell what made it look so dangerous like the red yet subtle and majestic like the blues. finally I noticed when I picked it up how light it was, it weighed nothing in my arms and was flexible not stiff like other gowns for special occasions. I smiled an joyfully asked the store owner, "how much is this fabric?", he took a minute to think then sweetly replied,"usually for every yard of that fabric its about eight silver coins but since I,ve been having a good sales week and that's the last of it and that's about four and a half yards I will give it to you for... hmmm," he paused for a moment to think of a price while pulling a fancy brush through his long beard then finally decided and finished with, "how about five silver coins?"

"DEAL!", I basically screamed as I quickly got out the amount to pay and handed it to them so they could pack it up for me in a neat little container like they did with several others purchased items as well. As we walked out of the store to loud our items up on the dragons I suddenly realized a chang in mood of the others. Snotlout seemed so confident and happy but fishlegs seemed so upset, wait what did I miss? then I noticed snotlout sly grin aimed in my direction and gave it a quick and very un-amused response, "wipe that dumb look in your face, oh wait that's your actual face," I ended with a small laugh that was quickly cut off by a very unwanted anser to the change in behavior," say what ever you want babe but I know that you like me more, why else would you pick t the fabric I pointed out and buy it so quickly?"

I wanted to die. how could have I been so clueless. with fishlegs he would be all senamental about it but with snotlout he was going to talk about it for MONTHS neigh YEARS. I have signed my will and now must lay in my burning boat. just as snotface was about to breath another word my brother and astid appeared with their stuff they came after, my brother looking just as miserable as me. "okay remind me never to pull a prank when a hofferson is near especially the one engaged to the chief," he leaned in and whispered to me before packing away the stuff mom wanted him to get. we all finally got on our dragons and headed back. The whole flight back snotlout kept his stupid smile and fish legs kept his fair distance from the group mumbling about a dance or sewing. tuff was ancous too I could tell but didn't udder a word till the door of our house was saftly shut and all the supplies and my fabric was stored where it was suppose to go. "so what was up with those two did fish see a goust and snot see a hot one?" he said with a slight hint of curiosity in his tone.

"believe me when I say you don't want to know and besides snotlout will talk about this for weeks to come anyway so you'll just find out tomorrow through the terror chain or something," I inquired receiving a small frown when he didn't learn immediately but didn't try knowing that I was definitely not in the mood tom be taunted before the story spread.as I walked up to my room, blew out the candle finally happy this day was over, and got under my two warm layered yak fur blankets I saw the fabric and it made me realize something. Weren't both of them pointing things out? I mean I didn't let it distract me from picking out what I liked and I had became good at ignoring their silly antics but how in the arkapeligo did snotlout break her focus? how did she notice what he was pointing at that split second and not fishlegs? how did he know she was going to love that one of a kind, fit for royalty mixed material? maybe all this was just some huge coincidence and that it was nothing and that I was just over thinking it. I finally found some restless after several restless hours of questions I wore myself out and fell asleep still dreading the day and several weeks to follow.

[ncislaficexchange]

Blackmail is Such an Ugly Word

A/N: Dear reader, I hope you enjoy this fic. Please know that a lot of love, frustration and often confusion went into this story. Based on your preferences I focused on Densi (and Deeks), but also the team as friends to both Kensi and Deeks. I hope you won’t mind my creative interpretation of your preferences. It was done with the very best of intentions.

This story occurs about six months from the season eight finale. Happy reading!

***

Kensi raises an eyebrow, catching Deeks’ gaze as he sidles into the mission, once again just a few minutes short of being late. His lips twitch in what she supposes is meant to be a smile, but it turns into more of a grimace. The twisted feeling in her stomach amps up another notch with each step he takes.

“Cutting it a little short, aren’t we, Deeks?” Callen observes mildly though his gaze is just as focused on the detective. She makes an effort to look away which is difficult given Deeks’ exhausted appearance, his posture slumped in a way that spells defeat. If not for the presence of Sam and Callen she’d be pulling him into her arms as she does every night when he returns home.

“Yeah, my mom is, uh, having some issues with her landlord and asked me for some advice,” Deeks says distractedly. Technically it’s true, though that particular call had come three days ago at 10pm rather than this morning.

“I didn’t know your license was current,” Sam comments, as though he has an actual interest in discussing Deeks’ former career. Kensi wonders just how much they know since neither he nor Callen has called them on the strange schedule Deeks is keeping of late or the guilt she knows is lurking in the back of their eyes.  

“I’m afraid Deeks’ extracurricular activities will have to wait,” Eric announces, arriving at the top of the stairs and cutting Deeks’ reply short. He hooks a thumb behind him, pulling a face. “You’re needed in OPS.”

As the others make their way upstairs, Kensi pulls Deeks to the side, giving him a concerned look.

“What happened? You were gone all night again,” she hisses. The chance that Hetty might materialize behind them at any moment has her glancing around nervously. If she doesn’t end up with an ulcer by the end of this whole mess, she it will be a miracle.

Deeks heaves a sigh, closing his eyes briefly as he shakes his head.

“I’ll tell you later,” he murmurs, his voice just as low as Kensi’s though it appears to be due to exhaustion rather than fear of discovery. Kensi cants her head, questioning his decision to be silent; he’s been pretty good about filling her in and she really doesn’t want him to start hiding things again. “It’s not that,” Deeks adds quickly, seeing her look. “It’s just getting a lot more complicated than I thought it would, which is saying something, and I don’t have the time to explain it now.”

“Is there a problem, Miss Blye?” They both school their expressions as Hetty’s voice drifts down from above though Kensi’s certain that the older woman isn’t fooled in the least.

“No, we’re coming,” Deeks answers for both of them. “I just wanted to tell Kensi about Monty’s vet appointment.” As far as excuses go, it’s fairly believable; Monty has had his share of ill health in the last few months. At the very least it’s better than chronic plumbing problems. Hetty merely accepts it with a slight nod of her head, waiting for them to start up the steps.

***

“We can’t keep this up,” Kensi says in a low voice an hour later. Feeling ridiculously covert, she checks over her shoulder once more before following Deeks into the burn room. Deeks comes to rest against the nearest available surface, his posture slumping again as he brings both hands to his eyes and lets out an unsteady breath. In an instant Kensi’s irritation is gone with the obvious distress she sees in every fiber of his body.

“Baby,” she murmurs and closes the small distance between them to wrap her arms around his broader frame. After a moment’s hesitation she feels his arms lift and settle on her back, his head lowering until his nose is burrowed in her neck. Keeping a soothing rhythm Kensi gently runs her fingers over his muscles, feeling a collection of knots that are courtesy of the ridiculous amount of tension he’s been under recently. His ribs are slightly more prominent as she slides her hands up his sides and along with the loser fit of his clothes, it’s just another item on her list of worries.

“I’m sorry about this,” he says into her neck. “I know I keep saying it, but I never wanted you to have to deal with this crap.” Placing a hand on his jaw, she lifts his head and makes sure she has his full attention before she speaks.

“I want you to stop apologizing because this is not your fault,” she says firmly, punctuating the statement with a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah, but if I hadn’t told Whiting–” he begins miserably. It’s an argument that Kensi has heard far too many times to count in the last few months and she treats it with the same level of import as always.

“Deeks, it’s not your fault that Whiting is an opportunistic, blackmailing hag.” Deeks blows out a shaky breath that might just have a hint of a laugh at her unbiased summation. “The point is that you saved her life and told her the truth. And if she can’t see that you’re an honorable man who was just trying to protect a vulnerable girl, then there’s something wrong with her.” Deeks nods, looking even more overwhelmed by her unfailing support.

“Now, I’m not saying that things wouldn’t be a lot easier if you hadn’t told her…” she continues, eliciting the closest thing she’s seen to a grin from him in a long time.

“Yeah, next time I’ll have to remember that,” he says almost playfully. “I love you,” he adds. Lifting a hand, he mirrors her own position, carefully cradling Kensi’s jaw as he brings their lips together.

“I love you too,” Kensi breathes against his lips, slipping a hand up his neck and into the hair curling around the edge of his collar. He’s never let it get this long since she’s known him and though she doesn’t exactly hate it, she can’t help but associate it with his current predicament.

Abandoning all pretense, Kensi tugs at Deeks’ arm, leading them farther into the room until her back hits an unknown piece of equipment. Deeks presses his body tight against hers, his weight welcome after the uncertainty of the night apart. She moans slightly as Deeks angles his head to deepen the kiss and drops a hand to her hip.

The creak of the door opening stills Deeks’ hand which had been slowly creeping towards the edge of her bra.

“I bet they’re in here.” Callen’s voice says, his head popping around the door. “Ha, told you they wouldn’t be in the showers,” he adds to whoever is on the other side of the door before taking in the still embracing couple in front of him.

“I thought you guys had a rule,” he says with vague interest as he and Sam, closely followed by Nell and Eric trail through the door.

“Didn’t really work out for us,” Deeks explains as Kensi gives him one last squeeze and steps back slightly. She keeps one arm low on his back, silently supporting him.

“Right. So you want to tell us what’s going on? Cause I gotta tell you, Sam’s not taking all the secrecy too well.”

“I wasn’t the one who wanted to show up at their house at 12:30 AM when and I quote ‘their guard will be down’ and demand answers,” Sam says irritably. Rolling her eyes, Nell cuts in before either of the older agents can continue their bickering.

“What they’re trying to say, and doing a really bad job of it, I might say, is that we’re worried and we want to know what’s going on. So, who wants to start before Hetty actually comes looking for us?”

“It’s personal and doesn’t need to affect anyone else here,” Deeks answers shortly. Withholding a sigh of exasperation, because she knows he’s just doing what he thinks is best, Kensi squeezes Deeks’ hand briefly until he looks down at her.

“We should tell them,” she says, ignoring the four pairs of curious eyes watching them with various levels of suspicion and interest.

“Kens, you know they can’t get involved in this.” Deeks nods his head in the rest of the team’s direction as he speaks. “No offense, but subtlety isn’t really NCIS’ strong point. And I really don’t need you guys rushing in with guns blazing.”

“Ok, first of all, I personally am very offended,” Callen says, earning another eye roll, this time from Sam. “Second, when has going solo ever worked for any of us?” There is an overabundance of agreement to Callen’s comment, particularly from Sam who seems to have forgotten his own forays into rogueness. Even if we can’t be directly involved, at least will know why you look like you’ve gone one-on-one with a character from The Walking Dead.”

“I do not look that bad,” Deeks mutters, as though it’s the relevant part of the conversation.

“Your eyes have been bloodshot for a week,” Callen rebuts remorselessly. Behind him, Sam makes an irritated noise, pushing past the others so he’s standing directly in front of Kensi and Deeks.

“Deeks, we all know you can counter-argue in your sleep, but why don’t you just make it easy on everyone and spill? Callen’s right, you are exhausted. Maybe it’s not effecting you yet, but the way you’ve been overextending yourself is gonna get you hurt. So just tell us what’s going on with LAPD.” Nell makes a harsh hissing sound.

“You weren’t supposed to mention that,” she murmurs as though she won’t be heard from three feet away.

“You’ve been spying on Deeks,” Kensi says flatly. She shares a glance with her partner who looks equally ticked off at the prospect. No matter their good intentions, they should have known that following Deeks would not go down well. Nell merely shrugs her minute shoulders. As if to say, ‘what did you expect?’

“Well, both of you really,” Eric adds helpfully. “You see, we didn’t know if both you were involved or just Deeks.”

“Awesome,” Deeks mutters under his breath. Kensi gently squeezes his hand again, reminding him that he’s not alone in this. She knows how much he wanted to keep his dealings with Whiting a secret and fears the repercussions if any one of them knows too much or became involved.

“If you still don’t feel like telling us,” Callen begins in an offhand tone, “we can always go to Bates and ask him what’s going on,” Kensi glares at Callen, angry that he would threaten Deeks, when he’s feeling so cornered and overwhelmed.

“Yeah, and I’ll let slip who really knocked over that rare plant Hetty has in her office,” Deeks says after a moment, not to be outdone in the blackmail department. Grabbing Deeks’ shoulder, Kensi turns him so their bodies are facing away from the others, giving the illusion of privacy.

“Deeks, we need to tell them something or they’re not going to give up,” she murmurs. Deeks instantly tenses up as expected, giving her a look of betrayal. “We knew it might come to this. And imagine the trouble they could cause if they think their helping somehow, but only end up making it worse?”  

He sighs, the sound short and exhaustive, running a hand through his hair and turns back to glance at the four people openly watching their every move. Kensi catches Sam’s eye, hoping he’ll have some sense of the added pressure this is putting on Deeks. He nods discreetly and casts a brief glance at his cohorts before clapping his hands together like a coach gathering his wayward players.

“Alright guys, why don’t we give these two a little time to sort things out?” he suggests. Eric and Nell both take a look at his will-not-budge expression and easily agree, scurrying from the room while Callen is less cooperative. Sam places a large hand on his shoulder, gently but firmly steering his partner towards the doorway, he turns the knob, pausing briefly after Callen exits.

“We’ll be looking into Lieutenant Madison’s acquaintances when you get things figured out,” he informs them, clearly insinuating that while he’s giving them a moment to talk without an audience, copping out isn’t an option.

“I’d like to go on record as saying this is a terrible idea,” Deeks says the moment Sam leaves the room. The comment is Deeks through and through, but his tone lacks any of his usual humor and his face is decidedly grim. What she wouldn’t do to make it disappear and have him home again without this miserable worry and threat hanging over both their heads.

“Baby,” she murmurs, wrapping her arms back around him and pulling his head into the crook of her neck. “You know we can’t keep this up. They’re going to find out one way or another and like you said, we won’t be able to control what they decide to do.” Deeks shudders into her neck, the motion working its way straight up his spine and into Kensi. Comfortingly, she runs her fingers through his hair.

“If I tell them what I’m doing for Whiting then I’ll also have to explain what she has on me,” he says, bringing up a point that has been discussed multiple times in the past few weeks and caused quite a bit of dissension.

“Deeks, you told me you thought Sam and Callen already knew, chances are they do. And even if this is a revelation for them, you’ve stood by them without question when their actions have been less than by-the-book,” Kensi reminds him. He has a terrible habit of believing that he’s better off alienating people and having them think the worse than know the truth. There’s good reason for his secrecy she knows, but she also knows their team and whole heartedly believes they will stand behind Deeks.

“What if it changes how they treat me?” he asks, finally voicing his main fear, the same one he later admitted to Kensi after confessing about killing Boyle. “You know how long it took everyone to accept me…” shaking his head as though he can’t quite voice such thoughts, he ducks his head and presses his forehead against Kensi’s shoulder. “I don’t think I could take that,” he finally murmurs in a creaking voice. He sounds so unsure and vulnerable, terrified of losing what he considers his family.

“I know you’re scared,” she whispers into his ear. “I am too. But you can’t keep this up, you know you can’t. You’ve barely slept in three weeks, you’re not eating and you’re so tense I’m worried you’re going to have an aneurysm at any moment. And I don’t care how many times you tell me, I know that what Whiting has you doing is dangerous.”

“Going on the run is sounding better and better,” he mutters into her neck. “We don’t even need to have ice cream.”

“I will buy you an entire gallon of that expensive organic stuff with the free-range milk,” Kensi offers as though she’s compromising a visit to the doctor with a reluctant child rather than the reveal of Deeks’ deepest secret.

“I thought they only sold it in pints,” he points out, his words still muffled by her skin. Kensi snorts but doesn’t say anything, waiting for him to make his decision and silently holding him as tightly as she can. No matter how much it hurts her to see him in this situation, she knows that the decision to tell the others is fully his to make.

“Ok,” Deeks says a few minutes later, lifting his head from Kensi’s shoulder. It takes a bit of restraint not to pull him back to the safety of her embrace. He sniffs loudly and blows out a short breath. “Let’s do this,” he says in a determined voice.

“I am so proud of you,” Kensi tells him, overcome by a sudden wave of emotion. “Don’t think for a minute that I don’t realize how hard this is for you or the possible implications. I just want you to be able to live without anything hanging over your head.” Deeks nods, now reassuring her.

“I know,” he says simply. His gaze is filled with love as he leans down to kiss Kensi, his hand pressing hard against the back of her head for a moment before he lets go.

***

The rest of the team waits by their desks as promised with a collection of files open before them which seem to be mostly for appearance sake. Eric and Nell have commandeered Kensi and Deeks spots momentarily and appear to be in the middle of a somewhat heated conversation when they arrive, fingers linked.

“You know, it’s rude to talk about people when they’re still in the building,” Deeks interrupts, bringing an abrupt halt to the bickering. Callen turns with an expectant expression, not bothering to comment while Sam’s gaze flicks between Kensi and Deeks linked hands and up to their faces. He nods once in admiration as he notes the resolve in Deeks’ posture. Despite the snarkiness it’s obvious that he’s made a decision.

Deeks turns his head slightly, glancing at Kensi out of the corner of his eye. She may have pushed him to be open with the team, but she knows that ultimately what he tells them and how much is his decision. With that thought in mind she squeezes Deeks’ hand and waits.

He clears his throat once, not to gain attention because everyone is already completely focused on him, but rather to gain some sort of control in this less than desirable situation.

“Ok, I know I owe you all the truth, but before I tell you anything I need you to promise me that you won’t try to interfere. Even if you think it’s the right thing to do,” Deeks says, earning a few looks of surprise that the confession hasn’t begun though Sam nods once more with a mixture of approval and understanding. “Things are already terrible and bringing NCIS into it will only make it ten times worse.” When he receives four various signs of assent, he blows out a short breath and continues,

“About six months ago, Detective Whiting contacted me asking if I wanted to get coffee and talk.”

“Ok, I didn’t see that coming,” Nell comments. “She’s the last person I expected you to be having a tete-a-tete with.”

“Well, she wasn’t exactly my first choice either,” Deeks says dryly, his dislike of Whiting momentarily overcoming his worry and allowing a hint of sarcasm through. He sucks in a long breath, immediately releasing it and rolls his shoulders as though psyching himself up for a difficult pitch. “Beverages aside, Whiting also had another request.”

“What did she want, Deeks?” Sam asks gently.

“To help her investigate Bates without him knowing. She thinks he’s dirty,” he responds in one rushed breath as though getting it out before he can stop himself. A little bit of tension eases from his shoulders with that first hurdle behind him.

“How does she think you can help?” Nell asks, her brows furrowed. “I mean, you haven’t really worked any LAPD cases in like, what, 4 or 5 years.”

“Whiting thinks Bates likes and at the very least, trusts me, which means he’ll be less suspicious if I’m snooping.”

“Like that worked so well last time,” Nell says under her breath.

“So that’s what you’ve been doing for the last 2 months,” Callen surmises. “Spying on Bates.” He pauses to share a look with his partner that clearly says, ‘I told you so’ but Sam just shakes his head, pointing his chin in Deeks’ direction.

“I do what I can when I’m not needed here, although Whiting’s been pushing for me to spend more time at the station,” Deeks allows. He follows the statement up with a deep sigh, likely thinking of the arguments this particular point has brought on. The first time he’d come home after a full 48 hours without contact Kensi had been sick with worry which quickly morphed into anger when Deeks had shrugged off her concern with an exhausted and evasive shake of his head. It feels good that someone else knows, even if there’s nothing they can do about it.

“For my cover, Whiting spun this story that I’m actually investigating two other questionable cops in the precinct. Bates things Hetty agreed to let me help out in a show of interagency cooperation,” he adds. Eric snorts, speaking for the first time since they entered the room.

“Seriously?” At the teams’ questioning looks he clarifies. “If Bates actually believes that then he doesn’t know Hetty very well. Plus Deeks has a clause in his NCIS contract that says she has to sign off on any LAPD run operations. There’s no way Hetty would just ok an op like this without talking to Bates at all.” Eric’s voice holds a note of irritation and perhaps worry at what he clearly feels is a poorly thought out cover story.

Deeks shrugs. “Bates has so much going on right now with demands for more cops, increased accountability, not to mention the constant threat of budget cuts that I doubt he can remember what he had for breakfast let alone whether or not he signed a paper with my name at the top,” he explains, a touch of defensiveness leaking through on behalf a man he has grown to respect.

“Well, that answers the ‘what’, now how about the ‘why’?” Nell prompts, ever the pragmatic. “Clearly Detective Whiting is blackmailing you for something.” Deeks flinches as though Nell’s words have physically hurt him. Making a soothing noise, Kensi smooths her hand down his back, past the point of caring what anyone thinks of her hands-on approach.

“He hasn’t done anything wrong,” she says, instantly jumping to his defense. It earns five varied looks of surprise and interest, but again, she finds she doesn’t care what they think.

“Nell didn’t say he did, Kensi,” Sam reminds her softly. Only slightly mollified, Kensi sends a sweeping glare around the room. She had promised Deeks that the team would be supportive and while they’re not exactly accusing him of anything, the leading questions have her on edge. Just as she’s taking a step forward, readying another barb, Deeks interrupts.

“Before you offer any more help or implicate yourselves in this gigantic mess, you should know that Whiting is blackmailing me and her charges against me were legitimate. I did kill Francis Boyle. I could go into all kinds of explanation and excuses, but I’ll just stick with: Boyle hurt Tiffany and I stopped him from ever having that opportunity again,” Deeks says in a purposeful, even and unapologetic tone. He doesn’t pause once in his explanation. There’s a rather disappointing lack of response when he finishes; no one gasps or looks horrified, confirming their theory that at least certain members know. Kensi is perhaps the most surprised by Deeks’ sudden reveal.

“Feel better?” Callen asks simply.

“That’s a lot of weight to carry for a lotta years, it’s good to have it out in the open,” Sam says gravely, but sounding once again oddly proud at the same time.

“You don’t care?” Deeks asks, his voice caught between disbelief, perhaps a little anger and definitely a lot of shock.

“Babe, don’t push it,” Kensi instructs quietly. Although she says it somewhat jokingly, there’s absolutely no reason so invite trouble. She’s feeling a little light-headed herself and is struggling not to pepper their team with questions.

Callen takes one look at Deeks’ slightly pale complexion and bewildered expression and hooks a foot around a spare chair, sliding it towards the other man.

“You look like you could use this,” he says with a smirk. Deeks wordlessly sinks into it, looking immensely grateful for the support before Sam starts speaking again.

“I think we all understand the kind of secret you’ve been keeping, we’ve all had them,” Sam explains, gesturing at each person in turn. Somehow Kensi sincerely doubts that any of them have felt the pressure of knowing they actually killed someone, but she accepts the pardon without question. “We know the kind of man you are and the kind of man Francis Boyle was. That’s enough. You protected an innocent person, I would hope the rest of us would do the same given the situation.”

Beside her, Kensi sees Deeks’ lip caught between his teeth as he attempts to deal with the emotional upheaval of the last few minutes. She know that the five people currently staring at him with varying levels of fondness and exasperation aren’t helping any so she leans down to wrap her arm around his shoulders and presses a kiss to the side of his head.

“And you all feel the same way?” she feels the need to ask. Eric and Nell have both been fairly silent and she wants to be completely certain there’s no hesitation on their part. Nell appears slightly hurt by the implication but it’s Eric who speaks up, his voice quiet and as serious as she’s ever heard it.

“I had a chance to see Steadman’s work firsthand and I trolled through so many reports against him and Boyle that…Tiffany was lucky you were there for her,” he concludes.

Deeks shakes his head. “I don’t…I don’t even know what to say,” he stutters, his voice horse. He presses his hand tight against his mouth, as though he can keep the overwhelming emotion inside by sheer force.

“That’s a first,” Callen chimes in, drawing a derisive snort from his partner. They give Deeks a few minutes to compose himself, the chatter starting back up while Kensi rubs his shoulders. While she greatly appreciates their support, she can’t help but wish for another minute alone.

“So what have you found out?” Nell asks “Is Bates guilty or is he the most unlucky man when it comes to IA investigations? Second to you, of course.”

“I don’t know. All I can tell is that Bates has been running a lot of undercover operations and working to weed out some bad apples. It means he doesn’t particularly care that I’m working on Whiting’s little project. But in order to back up my cover story, I actually have to spend time around these guys, which also means the occasional shift as back up. It’s not exactly easy to hang out with an LAPD lieutenant as it is, seems kind of suspicious and all, but now my time is just about cut in half.”

“You said you were making progress,” Kensi admonishes quietly.

“I didn’t want you to worry and compared to how things were going the first couple weeks, I am making progress,” he explains.

“You didn’t answer the question,” Callen points out, catching on to his obvious reluctance to implicate his superior. “Come on Deeks. You’ve never had a problem saying it like it is before this. If you think Bates might be involved in something, then spill.”

“Look, all I can tell is that there’s been a lot of compromised covers and operations in the last few years, but whether or not Bates is involved in some way, I don’t know. I got a chance to look over some paperwork from a botched job and it seems like Bates did everything by the book,” Deeks explains tiredly.

“You said Whiting mentioned something about finding evidence while investigating you,” Kensi reminds him suddenly, bringing up a bit of information that had obviously slipped through Deeks’ already overcrowded mind. “Do you know what that evidence was?” He shakes his head, dispelling Kensi’s momentary excitement.

“No clue…I’d need to see the files but I have restricted access to all files from my case. But the only way I can think Bates could possibly be involved is if Whiting found out he helped me bust out of LAPD and that’s not something to start this kind of investigation over,”

“Maybe he enacted a little…social justice himself,” Nell suggests slowly, her voice rising higher as she speaks. Perhaps she’s worried that Deeks’ will lash out or react in some other negative way, but he merely shakes his head.

“Bates has way too much control for that.”

“So what’s your plan moving forward?” Callen asks.

“I don’t know, man. What I do know is that I can’t let it interfere with my work with NCIS or Hetty will decide to intervene, but I also can’t put Whiting off any more than I have,” Deeks says and Kensi is disappointed to notice that any positive effects of the last half hour have completely disappeared, leaving his mood as despondent as ever.

“I might be able to help with that,” Nell slips a hand into the pocket of her cardigan and removes a familiar looking object. “It’s not exactly the cavalry, but it should help if you get into trouble,” she says, extending the earwig in Deeks’ direction. He stands and silently takes it, his expression unreadable.

“Nell, I appreciate this but…”

“I set it to its own private frequency so no one else should be able to access it unless they’re already linked in and an agent-in-distress alert will be sent to all of our phones if you have it turned on and use the distress word three times in a row,” she continues, talking over Deeks’ protest and then again at his reluctant expression. “This is more important than anything Hetty can do if and when she inevitably finds out. I am not going to let you play Whiting’s fall guy.” Her expression is so fierce and determined that Deeks would be stupid to attempt further protest.

“Alright then,” he murmurs with a very faint smirk.

“And um, if Hetty mentions something about a two week long LAPD training seminar, just go along with it?” Eric adds, looking just as fierce as Nell and somewhat pleased with himself. “That should give you a little more time to investigate without taking a graveyard shift.”

“Do I even want to know how you generated that memo?” Deeks asks, looking overwhelmed by the generosity of their friends.

“Nope,” Eric answers immediately and definitively. “Suffice it to say that the course coordination office had a little snafu with their database.”

“Guys, we really don’t want you to get in any trouble,” Kensi reiterates. “This doesn’t even come close to a sanctioned operation and you’re using NCIS resources, hacking LAPD…” she trails off, letting the mounting pile of minor offenses sink in. Sparing a glance at Deeks, she worries for a moment that she’s overstepped her bounds, but he’s nodding in agreement.

“You don’t know how much I appreciate everything you guys are doing, have done, but I need you to understand that Whiting is not afraid of bringing down anyone who gets in her way. She’s already threatened to bring Kensi in for questioning which is part of the reason why I haven’t pushed back. And she’s knows it.” Deeks says, glancing at Kensi in particular. He knows that this is a sore spot with her; she hates being a weakness of any sort.

“If we don’t do anything, then she’s just gonna get her claws in deeper and deeper, Deeks,” Callen points out, sounding frustrated by the constant requests to stand down. “You need to show her that she doesn’t hold all the power.”

“Well right now she does,” he snaps back, blowing out a short breath a second later and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whiting’s smart and plays mostly by the book from what I can tell. If she’s been blackmailing other officers into helping her, there’s no evidence. Not that I haven’t been looking when I have the chance. It’d have to be pretty damning though and I’d have to be sure she had absolutely no conclusive proof I was guilty.”

“Then we have a plan: Nell and Eric, find something on Whiting that is worthy of counter-blackmail without being too obvious, Deeks will keep Whiting happy and the rest of us will make sure he doesn’t get himself arrested again or killed,” Callen sums up, wearing a self-satisfied expression.

A shrill beeping interrupts suddenly, the sound drawing everyone’s gaze to Eric’s right pocket.

“Ah, Hetty’s just left the Commissioner’s office,” he explains, silencing the alarm. “We better get to ops.”

“We’ll go with you,” Sam says, getting up from his chair.

“But there’s nothing for us to do in ops,” Callen complains, earning an eye roll from his partner.

“We’ll find something for you to do,” Sam retorts while tugging a mildly resisting Callen away from his desk. On the way past, Sam squeezes Deeks’ shoulder. “I’m sure Nell has lots of files that need to be destroyed.”

“Do you ever get the feeling we’re not in control of our lives?” Kensi asks as they watch the pair argue their way up to ops.

“Every single day since I met you,” he jokes.  

***

Later that day, well night really, Kensi is driving home, one hand on the steering wheel and the other grasping Deeks’. His body is angled away from her, forehead propped against the passenger window. She might think that he’s angry with her if it weren’t for the almost undetectable brushing of his thumb across her knuckle.

They’re driving home together for the first time in over a week and despite Deeks’ solemn mood, she can’t help but feel a touch of contentment.

“What did Whiting say when you told her you weren’t coming in tonight?” she asks, partially out of curiosity but also hoping that it will draw Deeks out of his own thoughts.

“I don’t know. Left a voicemail,” he answers in short, clipped sentences. After a few more moments of silence he slowly shifts himself around until he’s facing her, a groan or two slipping out when his legs get caught in the small space. “I thought about what Callen’s said earlier and he’s right,”

“Wow, I’m pretty sure that’s the firsts time those words have ever left your mouth,” she jokes, pleased when it earns her a brief smirk. Deeks brings her hand to his lips and presses a soft, lingering kiss there.

“Well, today’s been full of surprises, so why not?” he murmurs. “I can’t let Whiting have this kind of control over me. If I make it through this investigation with my badge, and that’s a big if, she’s still going to have Boyle to hang over my head. There’s nothing to stop her from using me as her personal mole indefinitely.”

“So what are you going to do?” Kensi asks, internally relieved that he’s being sensible. Deeks sighs, letting go of her hand to run his fingers through his hair. She misses the contact immediately and once again realizes how little time they’ve had together recently.

“Figure I’ll start with any officers she’s investigated and look for evidence of misconduct…anything that will give me an edge,” He shrugs, his expression bleak as he goes back to watching the darkened blurs that represent trees and bushes.

“Well I’m down for any plan that gets Whiting off our backs for good,” Kensi says lightly although deep down she’d rather approach the IA detective in a more hands-on manner. When she’d heard that Whiting had been shot, she’d been sympathetic, putting aside her dislike. Any compassion had evaporated the second Whiting had approached Deeks with her proposition.

“I need you to do something for me,” Deeks says suddenly, still staring out the window.

“Of course,” she agrees immediately in her eagerness to help. It’s only a moment later that Kensi recognizes the guilt and hesitation in his voice for what it is. “You’re going to say something really stupid now, aren’t you,” she predicts. Deeks presses his lips together.

“You have to stay away from Whiting and LAPD this time. I don’t care what she does or says but I don’t want her to have another opportunity to threaten you or force you into testifying against me. If you think it’s bad now, it’s probably only going to get worse and you can’t play into her hands.”

“If you remember, it didn’t work last time she tried,” Kensi points out, her mouth dry at what she things Deeks is suggesting. He’s already pushed her away enough as it is and she’s terrified he’ll try something really stupid, like putting off their engagement.

Deeks makes a derisive noise in the back of his throat. “Yeah, only because you were abducted and Whiting got shot,” he retorts. Pulling into the driveway, Kensi puts the car in park before throwing up her hands in exasperation.

“Fine, I won’t provoke her. But if I find out she’s putting you in danger or risking your career, I will not just stand by.” Deeks nods at her fierce words. “We’re partners,” she continues in a softer voice. “Here at home, at work, wherever, whatever we do, no matter how many IA Detectives come after you. I’m not going to abandon you and there is no way in hell I’m letting this force us apart. I said it earlier and I’ll say it again since you apparently are experiencing short term memory loss: “I love you and I am not going anywhere, ever.” Deeks sniffs a couple times, refusing to meet her gaze.

“This has the potential to get a lot worse,” he whispers again.

“Only if you try and go off by yourself like an idiot,” she replies stubbornly. She watches Deeks’ face in his window, waiting for him to react with his typical wit and when he doesn’t, she grabs his, kissing it in the same place he had hers. His head falls then, that guilty, miserable expression she hates so much back again. She’d give anything to see him smiling and laughing once more.

“This isn’t fair,” he whispers. Scooting over in her seat until the console impedes further movement, she places her palms on Deeks’ cheeks, ignoring his mild resistance. She gently pulls his forehead down to meet hers and relishes the moments when he finally leans into her touch.

“None of the crap we’ve been through in the last eight years has been fair,” she reminds him. “But we’ve always made it through together and this is no different.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this one,” he admits on a sigh, the sounds making Kensi’s chest throb. “Even if I find evidence against Whiting, it might not be enough or in time to be go any good.

“We will,” she assures him. “We will. And when this is all over we are going to plan out wedding and get married and go on a ridiculously expensive honeymoon in the middle of nowhere, where Hetty won’t even be able to find us.” Deeks chuckles weakly at her fierce tone and nods his head again.

“Ok,” he agrees, leaning down until his lips meet Kensi’s, his hands clasping the back of her head to pull that much closer. He is exquisitely gentle as he eases her lips apart.

“I love you so much,” he breathes into her mouth. As they stumble from the car and through the front door, Kensi knows that one night of lovemaking isn’t going to fix anything. She’s desperate for the reprieve though and as Deeks presses her against their bedroom wall, she silently vows to do whatever it takes to keep him safe.

by - @ejzah

[artificialqueens]

City of Stars (Pearlet) - Leatwerpenn

A/N - The moment we have all been waiting for. Its spring, and spring is the season for valentines, isn’t it? Once again, if you have missed the previous chapters (Or if you cant find them in the tags) you can find them HERE in the masterpost.  Some minor mentions of Violet/Adore and friendship between Violet/Fame / Pearl/Willam and Pearl/Detox City of stars, are you shining just for me?

Chapter 3

(2011) 5 Years Before. LA. Spring. “Thank you for coming Mr Dardo”. Jason looked up at the casting agent and he could see in their eyes that he wasn’t getting a call back from this audition either. Damn, 5 this week and nothing. Are you serious? -  He thought. Sighing heavily, Jason picked up his bag and left the studio in a rush of tears. _______________________________________ Jason found himself once again, face buried into his pillow of his apartment. Kurtis and Patrick’s relationship seemed to be getting more serious, resulting in the apartment being quiet and lifeless. Jason didn’t mind this, because at least when he was Violet, there was no need to sneak down the fire escape to avoid Kurtis anymore. He lost his steady gig at Roy’s after he decided to do his own thing that night a couple of months back. Jason still worked at the coffee shop though, but his work as Violet was pretty much, non-existent. Jason was still finding it hard to come to terms with himself and who Violet was, or rather, how Jason and Violet fit together. This being the main reason he wasn’t really getting any work as Violet. The idea of being called a Drag Queen didn’t appeal to him. Sometimes, he felt like being Jason and sometimes he felt like being Violet. He was scared that people wouldn’t understand that. Why am I like this? A feeling of desperation began to take over. He could barely understand how he had gotten to this point. So this is what rock bottom feels like.  Jason took out his phone and scrolled through his contacts, stopping once it landed on Boomers number. Am I desperate enough to get money from him? He put his head back into his pillow and cried harder than he felt like he ever had. Jason picked his phone back up and started to scroll through his photos. He stopped when he saw a photo that he had clearly forgotten to delete. It was a photo of his ex, Danny, who was now a really successful musician - who was very comfortable in not only being Danny, but being Adore too. Jason both loved and hated Danny, he had everything Jason desired, well almost everything. Danny liked to perform as himself when it came to music but he was a successful drag artist too. Jason was drawn to him because of his self-confidence. Danny soon realised that Jason was a fucking mess and dumped him not long after they slept together the first time. Is that why you dumped me? Am I that repulsive? He had never told Danny about Violet. He was afraid.  Deleting the picture, he checked his phone for any more signs of Danny. All evidence had been deleted. Thank god. Jason’s mind wondered back to his insecurities as he laid on his bed. He turned and was now laying on his back. He loved the stars; but hated that he couldn’t see them outside much in LA because of the pollution. One night a few months back, when he had drunk more vodka than he cared to admit, he stole some of those glow in the dark stars from the dollar store. Those stars were now super glued to his ceiling. He liked to gaze at them when he felt lost. Tonight, he was lost. Jason got up, closed his curtains, turned the lights off and laid back on his bed, and all he could see were stars. (2003) 8 years before. Atlanta. Spring. Who is this person looking back at me, what is your name. Jason looked at himself in the mirror or, herself? God, who am I. He watched, as the mascara dripped down the side of his face in morbid fascination. Down his cheek… chin… drip. Jason heard his mother clear her throat behind him. He didn’t move to look at her. “Hi honey, what are you doing” His mother quietly approached, and perched next to him at her vanity. She nudged Jason’s shoulder when she didn’t get a response. “Who am I mum?” Jason’s tears fell over the edge and he grabbed his mum in a tight embrace. “What am I going to do when you go?” He could feel his mum stroking the back of his hair to soothe him. “I don’t know angel, but I know that you are an amazing human being. You’ll figure it out. You are only 14 years old, everything isn’t supposed to make sense yet. Hell, I’m dying of cancer and it still doesn’t make sense. You are my child, and I will love you no matter what. You are my star.” Jason looked at his mum through his smudged make-up and gave her a small smile. “Now, if I help you do your face, will you come and sing with me while I play our tune. I know you have that song finished sweetie and I would love to hear it.” Jason gave a small nod and his mom and she started to work on touching up his makeup. When she was finished, he looked into the mirror, and all he could see were stars. (2011) LA. Spring. Jason woke up in pitch darkness. It wasn’t often that he slept in the dark as it frightened him. He was rudely awoke from a dream of his Mother by his phone. It was violently vibrating on his bedside table.

“Hello?” He answered groggily. “Jason, where the fuck are you? You were supposed to be coming with me to that make-up benefit I told you about.” Jason smiled as Kurtis continued to bust his balls about being so miserable all the time. Why can’t I be more positive like Kurtis was? Wait. “Hey, sorry to interrupt but… I do want to come, and I’m actually not working but…” Jason wanted to tell Kurtis so badly about Violet. God, this is so hard. “Okay, I’m going to tell you a secret, and the only other person in the world who knows this about me is dead so… Can you come home?” Jason felt the tears in his eyes but he wanted so badly to tell somebody. “Umm, sure. We have to go in about an hour though, are you good for that?” Jason panicked, he normally spent at least 2 hours becoming Violet. However, he wanted to be challenged. “Just get here ASAP!” Hanging up the phone, he put his favourite instrumental Spotify playlist on and started to become Violet. _______________________________________ Violet sat on the couch opposite the front door to her small two bedroom apartment. She was dressed fairly casual for her. She was afraid she might scare Kurtis too much. She wore a beautiful navy blue dress that was tight around her shapely body, which was cinched at the waist. From there, it fell around her hips and down to her knee’s in a sea of ripples and waves. She had painted her face that night, to appear as feminine and female as she possibly could, put on her favourite curly black wigs, and the only pair of nice earrings she owned. To finish the look she added her signature beauty mark and a pair of nude high heels. Fuck, where is Kurtis? Is my only friend standing me up right now? Impatiently tapping her foot, she took out her compact mirror from her matching nude clutch and checked her makeup. As she opened the mirror, she could swear she could see gold in her eyes. Violet blinked, and it was gone. The front door opened, making her jump and she dropped her compact on the floor. She had been staring at the compact for what seemed like forever. “Umm, emo face, look at me so I can take you in” Violet looked up to be greeted by the biggest smile she had ever seen Kurtis wear. He looked like a child on Christmas morning and was grinning like a moron. “I fucking knew it! I knew you were a drag queen!” Violets heart sunk at hearing those words, but she knew what and who she was and she understood the assumption. “Okay, this is going to sound insane, but please hear me out before you say anything else. When I was little, I always loved women, the beauty of them, the glamour, the makeup. Everything. The only thing I didn’t like, was the fact that I didn’t desire to be romantic with them. Anyway, as I grew older, I guess you could say that I started to cross dress. But, I am not a drag queen. At this moment in time, I am Violet Chachki, my pronouns are she and her. I am not Jason Dardo. Do you get it Kurtis?” Violet was begging him to understand. Please understand. “So at this moment in time you are Violet Chachki, my roommate. Okay, sure. Are you ready to go?” He held his hand out for Violet to take. She was stunned. Wow, that was easy. Taking Violet by the hand, Kurtis could have sworn her eyes were golden. Violet looked at Kurtis in a different light. Finally, someone knew. She let Kurtis drive her, as she had no idea where they were even going, and as she looked out of the window, all she could see were stars. _______________________________________ (2011) LA. Spring. Matt sat in the basement. His hands hovering over the keys like they always seemed to these days. For some reason, playing hadn’t felt right lately. The woman performing at the club was the only thing occupying his thoughts recently. Well, not exactly a woman, a drag queen. Upon leaving the club Matt did some research, he found out her name was Violet Chachki, and she performed every first Saturday of the month. He had revisited the club twice since then and she wasn’t there either time, and that really bothered him. How the fuck did she get a hold of my music? What bothered him more, was that it appeared that a woman was the reason he was happily going into a gay nightclub for the first time. This notion often put a smile on his face. How ironic. After a brief period of Googling, Matt couldn’t locate it anywhere. He even searched his own name on Spotify, which was insane to him, but still nothing came up. He was confused. The confusion haunted him. Matt wasn’t really into any local or new music, unless it was Jazz. This made his search even harder. He even resorted to playing it for Siri, unfortunately she didn’t know what was happening. Stupid Phone! City of Stars… something about shining. Fuck! Why can’t I remember her lyrics? Matt sat at his piano and tried to play the song over and over. He had done this every day since that night at the bar, but now he couldn’t even play his favourite song. Fuck my life. He sat there with his eyes closed and thought about Violet. She was quickly becoming his muse, and even though he had only seen her once, her presence caused him to have a warm feeling in his heart. She was the most radiant woman he had ever laid eyes on. Matt still wasn’t convinced she was even a drag queen, maybe she was transgender? This was becoming an obsession. Before Matt realised, he opened his eyes to see his hands moving gracefully across his keys. He hadn’t heard this sound before. He closed his eyes again and let the music take over him. The melody he was playing sounded painfully sad, but beautiful. It sounded, to him, damaged and like it held secrets that wanted to burst open. Matt’s eyes opened suddenly, and all he could see were stars. (2003) New York. Spring. “Dude, what are you doing?” Matt S, or Detox, as Matt liked to call him, stood over Matt with the biggest frown. Matt called Matt S Detox because they were always together, and calling each other Matt just got confusing. Matt couldn’t even remember how Detox came about but it had stuck. “What do you mean what am I doing? I’m taking a picture to send to someone.” Matt held his phone out in front of himself and took a picture. “Eww I look ugly. Should I take my top off?” He looked at Detox with pleading eyes. “Dude, who are you sending a picture too? And definitely take your top off you idiot! If you’re trying to get into someone’s pants, you need to show off the goodies.” Detox wiggled his brows and Matt laughed. “It’s to Courtney, you know, that hot Australian girl that just started. Fuck, she’s hot. Right?” Matt glanced down for approval, but Detox was frowning again. What the hell is up with him? “Courtney? But she has a vagina, I thought you liked…”Just as Detox went to continue his sentence Matt ran to his bedroom door and closed it shut. “Dude, shut up! My dad is downstairs and you know what he is like…” he said in a hushed tone. “I actually find Courtney attractive, like, I want to fuck her. Is that…weird? Maybe I’m not… Like you?” Matt didn’t know how he expected Detox to react. But Detox just smiled. “Matt, you can like whoever you want. I will take that part of you that we shared all those years ago to the grave. But I will always be your friend no matter who you like, and no matter how much your dad hurts you… Understand?” Detox took the phone from Matt and moved to the other side of the room. “Now let’s take a cute picture before your dad comes up here, see’s you half naked and tries to kill me for corrupting your 16 year old mind?” A goofy smile began spreading across Matt’s face. Detox took a few snaps of him before he chose one to send to Courtney. He pulled his shirt back on and sat in front of the mirror. “Ask me a truth Detox, like we are playing truth or dare” Matt looked serious. Detox decided to play along. “What is your sexual orientation?” Detox looked him dead in the eye. Matt looked back at him in the mirror. “I just like sexy people, male, female, or anything in between. Google might be able to define it but I can’t, yet.” Matt felt like a weight had been lifted as he looked at his friend in the mirror. “Give me a dare bitch.” He grinned. “I dare you to get your septum pierced!” Detox starting laughing, he knew how much Matt wanted him to dare him to get a tattoo. He looked shaken. Detox grabbed Matt and pushed him out of his bedroom door and down the stairs. Matt looked to where his dad was sitting on the sofa, beer in hand. He rolled his eyes, grabbed his keys and his wallet, and left the house. Fucking waster. An hour or so later, he sat in the chair at the piercing parlour in Brooklyn. He had a needle going through his nose, and all he could see were some very blurry stars.

(2011) LA. Spring.

Matt had work tonight. He was playing at some fancy benefit in a more residential area of LA. He still hadn’t ended things with her as she had been filming in Europe for the past two months, and wasn’t due home for a while. He knew that the benefit was for a make-up company, but apart from that he didn’t know much about it. Willam was going, as he had worked with the make-up company before. Matt found it humouring that it was supposed to be a fancy party and Willam had been invited. Willam was anything but fancy. Matt wore a dark grey pinstripe suit, white shirt, his violet pocket square, and matching tie. He had really warmed to these two items over the past couple of months, although he had no idea why. He also kept his glasses on. Pulling up to the house, he got out and gave his keys to the valet for parking. He moved through the house and soon spotted one of the organisers and took the opportunity to ask them where he was to be stationed for the night. The hostess led him over to the most beautiful large white grand piano. Matt sat and took in his surroundings. He was in an expanse of open plan living space. Wow, and I thought Courtney and I had a nice place. Matt had arrived early as he was being paid to be there. As no guests had really arrived yet, he decided to take a walk around to familiarise himself with the place. He noted the location of the toilets, and more importantly, the smoking area. Matt returned and started to play. The hostess came to discuss the kind of music that should be played throughout the night. The hostess was fairly open to what Matt played which he loved. The hostess’ only request was ‘nothing too harsh’ as it would ruin the vibe of the benefit. Some people had started to arrive, so Matt took out his tip beanie and swapped it for the posh looking glass jar that had been placed there. Matt got lost in his own music and all he could see were stars. _______________________________________ Kurtis had his hand at the small of Violets back as he led her through the party. He introduced her as a long-time friend of his and Patricks’. She smiled at Kurtis and silently thanked him for accepting her. Violet mingled at the front of the party, and if anybody suspected anything about her, they didn’t say anything. Soon, Kurtis left Violets side to network, which she completely understood. She conversed with many different people at the party, and loved it, especially when they complimented her on her appearance. She felt stunning and beautiful. Violet was chatting outside near the smoking area when she heard a voice that jolted her. “I can clock a wig from a half mile away that is definitely a pig in a wig.” Her blood ran cold and she turned around to see Willam, a really well known drag queen in Hollywood, and whom she assumed, was Willam’s date or friend, staring straight at her. Violet didn’t quite know what to do, so she excused herself from the people whom she was chatting to and made her way inside to find Kurtis. As she made her way around the side of the building she stopped. A shiver move up her spine. That same shiver she felt a few months back. Breathe in. Breathe out. Am I cold? Shaking it off, she continued to move around the building, but as she moved the shiver grew, intensifying with each step. It was now lingering on her shoulders  all the way down to her fingertips. Then, she heard it. Violet could hear the most beautiful sound coming from a piano just inside the building. It however, wasn’t just any sound. It was her mother’s melody. The music she had randomly found on Spotify a couple of years ago under the name ‘One of 3 A’s’ and could never explain. She had Googled the band and could never find any results. It was saved to her playlist and she just assumed her mum had loved that song and had just told Violet it was her own. Nobody had ever heard of this artist before and now they were possibly playing in the next room, or, at least someone who was a fan of her same weird obscure taste in music. Holy fuck. She braced herself and walked into the room and stood to the side of the pianist. Her entire upper body was burning, so was her throat. And all she could see was one, single, star. _______________________________________ Matt hadn’t been playing long before Willam decided to come over and make a few comments about his mad skills with his fingers. He just smiled politely at his friend and tried to remain as professional and focused as he possibly could. He had a small crowd around the piano, chatting, sipping on wine and conversing about make-up. Matt didn’t really have a clue when it came to make-up, but he was enjoying the tips. He also didn’t really have a clue what he was playing, but the hostess had been eye-fucking him the entire night so it must have been good. Matt didn’t even realise he had started to play his tune until he felt that warmth in his heart again. This was the first time he had been able to play it in months and he smiled to himself. Apparently I have got my mojo back. As he glanced up at the people watching him, he felt like an explosion went off in his brain. His chest had never felt warmer, as he saw none other than the woman who had plagued his fantasies for the past 2 months staring right back at him, mouthing those lyrics that he had tried too hard to remember with those beautiful golden flecks in her eyes. Matt hadn’t smiled like this in years, and all he could see was one, single, star.

[earthghoul-mp4]

Family reunion (Warning it gets pretty angsty)

 Emi heard a knock on the front door. “Who....ASHE* GO GET THE DOOR!” Almost immediately Ashe emerged from his room and got the door. Emi had already left the room and was setting up of dinner when the door slammed shut. “Ashe? What the hell?!” Ashe had looked as though he’d seen a ghost “What? Who was it?” Ashe made a hand signal for ‘Brother’.  “Eugene is upstairs dumbass-” Ashe shook his head and signed for ‘younger brother’ Emi froze “He’s here?” Ashe nodded quickly “Well- Dont let him in!’ Ashe nodded and went outside the door and closed it behind him. Emi ran upstairs to tell theyre parents “Emi-? Whats wrong?” Emi stopped to face Eugene “Him” Eugene’s eyes widened “Was she with him” No one used Mitsuki or Raijins name since they left, Emi shook her head and turned back to their parents room. “Mom, Dad?” From the other side of the door Emi’s mother answered “Yes, dear?” Emi cracked the door “Its him...” 

Ashe stood outside the door face to face with Mitsuki. By now he’d be about 17 since it had been 4 years since he and Raijin left. Raijin? Mitsuki shook his head. Ashe’s whole world seemed to freeze. Maybe Raijin just wasnt with him and she’d be on her way later? Maybe she had work and couldnt make it... Right? Mitsuki looked at the ground which was all Ashe needed. Ashe leaned against the door to try and process the death of his sister, Mitsuki seemed to be hurt more than he let on because he looked ready to cry Alone? Mitsuki nodded and put up 2 fingers. Ashe never got the chance to actually look at Mitsuki. Since they’d seen each other...Mitsuki was different. His hair was a lot shorter. He wore a sleeveless top with stripes and black jeans with a belt across his waist. He didnt seem to be wearing make up and had one thick braid on the side of his head. Ashe kinda cocked his head in a questioning manner. Mitsuki laughed quietly

Emi went downstairs with her parents behind her to the front door where Ashe and Mitsuki were. Mitsuki looked Emi dead in the eyes and scowled. “Mitsuki-” Mitsu piped up to correct his mother “Mitsu! Not Mituski” His mother looked confused. “Pardon?” He folded his arms “You heard me, Mother. My name is no longer Mitsuki.” She rolled her eyes “Where is Raijin? She will always be welcome here”

“Awww~ I missed you too Momma!” 

His mother scowled and looked him up and down. “What is that nonsense your wearing? No respectable lady would put....that...” She looked him up and down again, gesturing to his outfit, “on her body..” Mitsuki simply flashed his mother a very clearly forced smile. “Thats because I’m not a female momma!” His parents looked confused “I’m sorry?” His father asked “You heard me- I am not of the female gender, At least not today-” Emi simply rolled her eyes “Whatever- Anyway do we let him in...?” Eugene appeared and answered on behalf of everyone “Yes, Yes we do.” And pulled Mitsuki in by his wrist. “Ack- Gene!?” Eugene hugged Mitsuki close, They had a considerable height difference with Eugene being roughly six feet tall and Mitsuki at only about 5′1. 

“Geez- You taller than Ieft you! I thought we agreed no more height-” Eugene laughed. It had been almost 4 years since he’d heard any of Mitsu’s jokes. “Its been to long little brother!” Mitsu punched his arm “Hey! Im only younger by like- 3 years!” Eugene ruffled his hair “Still younger!” Mitsu looked offeneded and was about to punch Eugene again when his parents brushed past them followed by Emi and Ashe. “I can only imagine you came to tell us something. The only reason your not out already is becuase we would in fact like to talk.” Mitsu looked uneasy. In his head “We want to talk” translated to “You fucked up...again” Mitsu follwed behind Eugene to his old room. He had shared it with Raijin for a little bit at one point because she didnt trust him to be on his own “You really kept in tact?” Eugene leaned against the doorway “Mom and Dad tried to tear it down a few times so I camped out here until they quit trying to. I knew you’d come back, It wouldnt be for long but I knew you’d be back and I wanted you to be able to see your old room just as you left it” Mitsu smiled “Thanks Eugene” Mitsu could only imagine all the bullsh!t Eugene had to take trying to keep this room in tact, his parents were terrible and he knew they wanted to just forget his whole existence. “Hey, You okay?” Mitsu shook his head and sat down on his bed. “Whats up?” 

Eugene noticed how miserable Mitsuki looked, “Hey...You can tell me, alright? Its better than just burying it and keeping it all locked up.” Mitsuki sighed and took a few deep breathes ‘This wont be good...Will it?’ Eugene thought. Mitsu looked up and him teary eyed and made a few gestures. ‘If Mistuki’s all choked up, This is bad..’ Mitsu took an exasperate breath before explaining to Eugene to Raijin had died. Eugene almost couldnt believe him but seeing how hurt and upset Mitsu was, He couldnt deny it. Eugene took a deep breath and pulled himself together, He could feel bad for himself later, Mitsu obviously never got to properly grieve or even cry. “Mitsu...Its okay to cry..” Mitsu shook his head “Raijin made me promise not to cry for her...” Eugene hugged Mitsu and he broke down. “All those years of holding back tears...Feels good to let it out, yeah?” Mitsuki gave a tired nod and Eugene chuckled “Tired?” Mitsu shook his head “Nope- I’m fine! I’ve had a decent sleep schedule!” Eugene knew that was a lie but he decided not to push it “Alright..”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mitsu decided on the safest option. Sitting between Eugene and Ashe. Ii had been a whle since he’d actually sat at the table with his family and quite frankly, He didnt miss it. The tension was high and Mitsu didnt do well under stress. “So, Mitsuki...Where’s Raijin? You left together why didnt you come back together?” His mother asked in a rather snippy tone “Already Momma? Cant I catch up on what I missed here?” Eugene piped up “Ashe is going to college-” Mitsu actually looked suprised “For real?! Ashe you said-” He paused and looked over at his parents. They didnt know Ashe didnt want to go to college. “-That you were really excited but I didnt believe you’d go through with it” Ashe nodded “Well- I cut up dead bodies and find theyre killer” Mitsu gave a very mischiveous smile and looked at his parents. “Well...isn’t that...nice..” They all passed a plate of Mochi around the table. Ashe was the only one who made Mochi and he dose a damn good job of it too. “You shouldnt even be here...Shitsubo...” That was it. Mitsuki already hated Emi but that was the last straw. He stood up slamming his hands againt the table “If I wasnt here you would have never know that Raijin was shot and killed!”  Emi and his parents’s entire demeanor changed. “We were out on a walk through the park...there was a drive by...and I was too far to try and save her...” Emi stood up and almost jumped across the table “Its your fault! Rai never did anything wrong! You shouldve been the one to die! NOT HER!” At this point Mitsuki was seeing red. Did she not hear him? Raijin had gone ahead while he wasnt looking “WELL EXCUSE ME LITTLE ‘PERFECT’! ITS NOT MY FAULT SHE WANTED TO RUN AHEAD!” Eugene was holding Mitsuki in place because he wouldve knocked her out already “DID YOU EVEN TRY? TRY TO GET TO HER IN TIME? OR DID THE SHIRKER JUST WATCH IN HAPPEN?!” His parents watched in disbelief. Ashe looked ready cry, Mitsuki and Emi were at eachothers throats. It seemed that Eugene was the only one with a grip of reality. 

“EVERYBODY STOP!” Mitsuki covered his ears and Emi froze. Everyones eyes focused on Eugene. “Emi stop blaming everything on Mitsuki. You know damn well he wouldnt have let anything happen to Raijin.” Emi gave him a stone cold look. “Dont make me jump across this table...He’s a liar and an argr!” Eugene looked her dead in the eyes “You feeling froggy?....Leap” 

--------------------------------------------------

After the whole ordeal, Mitsuki decided to just leave. He couldnt stand his sister, his parents were terrible. There was nothing left for him here, and he didnt want to make life harder on Eugene and Ashe. His parents had willing to let him stay the night so thats when he left. He waited until everyone was asleep and he packed up what little he had left here that was worth bringing. As Mitsuki went down the stairs he noticed Ashe waiting for him. Ashe hugged Mitsuki tightly knowing that the next time theyd meet would be in another life. “I’m sorry Ashe...” Ashe shook his head and held onto Mitsuki’s shoulders “No...You have nothing to apologize for” Mitsuki adnt heard Ashe speak since before he left, Ashe had been mute for so long Mitsuki couldnt remeber what his voice was like before. Ashe gave Mitsuki 4 bracelets. One for every sibling. Even if Mitsuki hated Emi with the passion of  1000 fiery suns, He’d be devastated if anything happened to her.

-End-

[mywritinginone-blog]

How Can I be Like Danny Mendez

“No… Im busy right now were in the middle of a tournament, but ill messg u later..”

“okay good luck Jamie, don’t fuck up.” Felix responded.

“yeah I hope not”

“Uh maybe when the tournament is done, we can go for a night drive?” I said. “Lmfao.. only if I can drive.”

“Yeah, like I’m asking for my insurance to go up.”

“Don’t act like your daddy cant afford it” I had the biggest eye roll ever.

“Ok so tonight, you’re not gonna bail on me this time?”

“Well I’m not doing anything with you Jamie, I mean it.”

“We’ll see.”   Cheers from the audience roars, as our robots stands in battle with Upper Canada College. With every claw clenched onto UCC, its steel barriers started tearing down onto the battle floor.  My toes began soaking my socks as I start to sweat profusely, with only 30 seconds left on the clock. Our robot stands ground with both claws raised in the air, it dug its claw onto UCC, and ripped out its functioning wires. Roars from the angst audience fumed the steel stadium as me and my team screamed on top of our lungs, we were victorious with the entire audience cheering for us. Joy ran through all of us as we cluttered in a cluster hugging each other, until my phone went off, another snapchat notification from Felix. I quickly put my phone away and began soaking in our victory, while my phone continued ringing. 

And that was it, a year of robotic practice every day from 4-9 was gone, gone in victory. My team mates were more than just team mates, as cliché as it is, we became close friends. From hours sitting around a robot, programming, designing and coding it, it was inevitable that we’d be close. All 9 of us saw one another every day for hours, and slowly; we went from knowing each other’s names, to opening up about our life story sitting around some robot. I remember when Danny told everyone about his mom, he talked freely about his mother in prison and his father being deceased, and we all just listened. We coded, designed and programmed while listening for an hour about Danny. I wanted to ask questions like “well who’s taking care of you?” or “how are you so resilient?” But one question that was so dire to me was “how can I be like you Danny Mendez?”

And till this day I hold to my heart the question “How can I be like you Danny Mendez.”

But I knew at that time we weren’t close enough to even ask those personal questions. And soon enough as Danny opens up so did Ashley, than Mohammed, and Alec. Danny being Danny started a trend, but it was only me that didn’t open up, and I knew that’s what the others were thinking. I mean we got to hear about Mohammed’s first time losing his virginity, and Austin’s grandmother having a stroke in front him, but I don’t have anything interesting. Well I rarely get to see my dad because he’s working? But…. Then again Danny doesn’t even have one, so I cant say that. So instead I just stayed quite about my life in general. Things are a lot harder when one, you don’t have anything remotely interesting in your life, and two, and two, you never open up to anyone, literally anyone.

But Danny wasn’t like me; Danny is someone who my mother would love me to be. At first he seemed like the guy who just talked about himself because he wants to, because he needs to, because he’s conceited. But I realized that the reason he did it was because he knew it would start something, he did it for a reason, and he wanted everyone to feel some sense of comfort. H was dead silent whenever someone would open up, not even one word from his mouth ever came out. I watched him, he was genuinely interested in others, and he was considerate with what he was going to say. And soon enough Danny kind’ve became the supporter of the group, always the one making jokes, and always the one cheering us up.

But I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be Danny Mendez, or be with Danny Mendez. From the corner of my eye I saw Danny make his way through the crowd. All of a sudden my palms became even sweatier than before; I quickly dried my hands while thinking of something to say.

“Uh, congrats man you did great.” My voice cracked. “Nice voice crack” Danny chuckles and winks. “Well I mean all I did was design, but while you Jamie, did all the programming, you’re almost like the young Bill Gates but equal on the looks spectrum.” As the stadium begins to clear, numbers of bodies started dying down while it was only me and Danny.

“You guys coming were gonna head out and grab something to eat” Alec said while walking towards the exit. Danny stares at me for assurance. “yeah we’ll catch up with you guys.”

Can you believe that out of the year working together as a group, this was my very first time spending alone time with Danny? I mean there would be times we would go out after practice with other people to eat, but I’d never been alone with him. But with him it’s weird, it feels weird being alone with him and I don’t know why.  I get this tingly sensation in my stomach that I have never felt for anyone before. My phone rings and it’s my mom, “hey what time are you going to head home? Are you going to grab something to eat? How’s your tournament?”

“Yeah I might just get something on the way home, and idk probably late, and yeah we won…… finally right?”  As I put my phone away a notification pops up again, the phone vibrated so loud that it echoed the dark stadium. As Danny picks the pieces of our robot off the ground his quick wit and remarks made the best of him. “Well aren’t you popular.”

“Yeah yeah, its nothing.” I took a look at my phone and it was Felix. Fuck, I forgot that I was supposed to meet him. But it’s likely he’s going to bail on me again, because it’s Felix. After 9 months of talking to him he’d never wanted to meet up with me, but now? All of a sudden now he does? Fuck, this kid is making me lose my mind. “So are we still up for tonight? 😊” “So what are we going to do now?” Danny looks up and glances at me, the light seeping through the exit door halos around his face, he looked like an angel.

As my phone continues beeping, the vibration becomes more and more insignificant. All I could notice and stare at was Danny’s dark eyes and dark hair, it adds so much mystery to his face, there is something about him that you just want to get to know more off, it’s addicting almost. Once you get a bit of what he has to offer, you cant stop. I quickly closed my phone screen and threw it back in my pocket, and again it rang.

“We can do whatever you wanna do, you name it, I’ll make it happen.” An awkward smile escapes and Danny chuckles. “Well everything is closed at this time, its like 10 on a Sunday.” “Mcdonalds?” I said so seriously. “How romantic… well I’m just going to lay right here until we think of something, I mean I got some joints left in my back pack and half a bottle of coke.”

The light seeping through the exit door in the dark stadium creates such an eerie glow, and there we were, sitting in it, lying down on the cold floors of the stadium where we won. Who knew that after 9 months I’d be laying on the floor with a guy, where we were victorious together. And for hours we just talked and talked our words came out so freely and nothing was being held back at all. I never in my life ever talked to someone so in depth before, where I didn’t have to think about holding back. Danny is someone that I’ve always dreamt of being. I always dreamt of what it would be like if I was outgoing, if I could talk to people so easily, if I could radiate the energy he does. This was the first time where time felt so endless with him, where I didn’t want time to start or end, where I wanted to be frozen in time with him. I had never wanted to be with someone so badly before.

“So what’s going to happen after this Jamie? Where are you going to go?” He said so innocently, while we both stare at the gray roof of the ceiling.

“I’m leaving you duh.”

With a chuckle from me, Danny punches me in the arm, not hard, but not soft either.

“Don’t be an asshole, I’m being serious. And I know you’re gonna miss me, you’re gonna miss me Mr. Killburn.”

And was he ever right, I am going to miss him, a lot. I’m going to miss this moment and everything about Danny. And I’m afraid, because I don’t know what’s going to happen when he leaves. Will it be inevitable and we don’t end up talking? Or will Danny Mendez stay with me?

“Well, I’m heading off to Waterloo for business admin. And what are you doing with your life?” “International development.” He stretches his arms and lies on his side facing me. “Well where?” I stretched out my arms and faced him as well. A strand of his hair fell down the side of his face block his eye, and me being awkward, I moved it behind his ear.

“well… where?” “um, NYU.”

“Oh so you’re really leaving far..”

“yup, really far.”

“Are you going to be sad?” Yeah, yeah I’m going to be fucking miserable as hell, but I had people in my life that came and left. But I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him from going, who am I stop someone? The only thing I could do is smile and accept it. But deep down I want to put him in chains. 

“Meh.” I responded. My phone vibrated again, and it was Felix.

“Wow who’s that blowing up your phone?”

“This guy”

“Told you so, told you that you’re popular.” He said

“Yeah well I was kind’ve suppose to meet him but…”

“but you’re here with me? Laying on some cold ground talking to me, while you blew plans with someone?” Danny quickly sits up right and stares down at me like I did something wrong.

“well its not like he hasn’t bailed on me before, he did it almost everytime.” “why?”

“I don’t know… Maybe because I’m ugly?” I said almost jokingly. “Well has he ever been on a date before? Maybe he’s scared?” Danny talked as if he was defending him.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I just wanted it to stop; I didn’t want to talk about this, but I didn’t know how to stop it. Danny is so persistent and persuasive and me? Well, I’m kind’ve a push over.

“What did you want out of it?” “what do you mean” I responded while getting up as well. “I mean what did you want out of talking to him?” “What every other guy like me wants” “like what?” “I don’t know, sex?”

Soon enough it became silent, the free flowing moment we had became hail falling to the ground. I didn’t know how to recover or what to say, I didn’t know if I should talk about him or if I should change the subject. But I knew I didn’t want to upset Danny.

“Well, at first I met him on tinder, and I right off the bat told him I only wanted to hookup, so I don’t know why he kept talking to me, even after nine months.”

“Maybe because he likes you and he wanted more than a hookup?” He responded so sarcastically.

“Yeah.”

“I think that’s why he kept blowing you off whenever you wanted to see him, because he knew you didn’t want to meet up to get to know him, you did it so you can hookup with him….” Danny’s facial expressions became one of anger; it was like he solved some big mystery or crime.

“I haven’t thought of that.” And I haven’t.

“I mean he asked me one time after nine months if I liked him back.”

“And what did you say?” “I said yeah. “

“and do you mean it, do you truly mean it Jamie?”

“I don’t know anymore.” And after 4 hours my phone received another notification, Danny and I stared at each other than the phone, we both thought it was Felix. But It wasn’t, it wasn’t him who messaged me.