#ive been out for 10 years im not going to pretend to not be trans to get a conversation going before i say something

[isa-ah]

wanting to reconnect with people when youre trans is such a chore. you have to introduce yourself as your deadname, then immediately be like but now im actually xyz. sure hope you dont actually violently hate trans people in this day and age where its encouraged to. hi.

[l-cereta]

oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk

[highathanamothafucka]

Hey hey. I’m gay gay. And we’re coming live to ya, tonite at 6:24 special. ( I lied. Itz actually 7:24, 24/7)

Imma tell y’all, i got top surgereh consult on decemba eighth. this is what ive been been waiting for, for forever. gettin top surgery is the thing ive wanted, literally from the day I learned i was gonna get boobs. course, i didnt realize that was a thing, i just knew that i did not want boobs, no matter what. i even had night mares about waking up one day with a huge pair of boobs. in those night mares, i felt so disgusted, horrified, and embarrassed that i just kinda decided to hide forever. I couldnt stand the thought of people seein me like that. when the nightmares became real, about 2 years later, when i was 10, i was in complete denial. I was just pretendin it wasnt happenin, so thats what i did. i didnt let them grow. i just said “chest im not gonna let you go on. You need to stop and just get rid of that bit you gave me.” And that did it! It stopped my boobs from growing! yeah, it didnt. but i sure as hell told myself it did. when my mom told me we need to go shopping for training bras, i pretend we didnt. We didnt go to walmart, we didnt look look at training bras, she didn’t go into the fitting room with me and see my chest while i tried them on. We didnt take some training bras up front and buy them. And we didnt go home with them and put them in my room. none of that happened, or so i said. but denial doesn’t work like that. it doesnt make happen, whatever you think should happen. what it does is convince you that what is actually happening, isnt actually happening. so i didnt wear those dumb training bras that summer. i felt gross, and subconsciously knew i should have been wearing them. but i didnt wear them, because i couldnt admit that what was happening was real.

once 5th grade started, i started wearing the training bras. i didnt have enough denial to overcome the embarrassment of my peers seeing me with out a bra. and it felt more uncomfortable than anything has ever felt for me before. but it made those horrid growing boobs seem smaller, by rounding them out, instead of them being a bit pokier.

And there wasn’t anything else I could have done. I continued wear bras, because as long as I got the right bras, the ones that lightly compressed or just kinda loosely held them so they moved around less instead of the ones that push up or have underwire, then it made them smaller than without one. I was so embarrassed that i would even wear them to bed so no one saw me with out a bra on underneath my shirt. I’d usually take in off once i was alone in my room, in my bed, in the dark. and every day, right after my mom woke me up, that was the first thing i put on. eventually, i stopped wearing them to bed. the discomfort i felt from wearing bras was too much.

when i learned what binders are, i did try wearing them. unfortunately, with my asthma, i could barely wear them. it sadly made it too hard for me to breathe. despite that, over the years i still tried a bunch of different binders. ive bought at least 25 different binders in only 2 years.

but back when I learned what binders were, i learned about being trans. thats when i knew, deep down, that something was wrong. despite that, it took me many more years to actually figure out that im trans. 

but to make a long story short, i figured things out, and now I’ve got my consult in only 4 days. Its what ive always wanted. And before i know it, it will have happened. And I can’t fucking wait!

[genderfluid-promotion]

Hi! I have just learned about the term genderfluid, and I dont really know if thats the explaination for some things I feel - I don‘t know if thats what I am, or if the things I experience really fit this term. I am a female, but as a kid I always had short hair and I only wanted to wear boy clothes. I once put a dress on at like 7 because I wanted to, but it felt like I was trying to pretend to be a girl - even though I was one? I also pretty much only had boy friends, and loved soccer and playing in the dirt. I also liked horses, but not nearly as much as the other girls - when school started most of them had backpacks with ponys on them, mine had fish. xD I started wondering if maybe I was a boy during the ages 6 - 10, because I was asked constantly if I was a boy or a girl. I always said I was a girl, but kids can be mean - the next question would be pull your pants down and prove it, you dont look like it.

I knew that at 12 years old I would have to go to a new school, and the school was pretty known for bullying. Out of fear to be a target I let my hair grow out from age 10 on, and when I started at the new school it was long. I still dressed kinda boyish, wore a lot of plaid shirts, but I also wore pink things sometimes. I actually forgot that I didn‘t grow my hair out willingly, I talked to my mom about it a few months ago, saying that I couldnt remember what changed that I wanted long hair - and she said I didnt actually want to, but that I was scared of the bullying. Ever since that young age of 6 I went through phases questioning if I was a boy, because being a girl just didnt always seem to be right! However I‘m not sure if it didnt feel right just because hobbies and clothes are so strongly gendered, and I just wanted to have short hair, boy clothed and my soccer ball - in peace, without the questions. So being a boy would have been easier in that aspect, because no one would have questioned anything about me in that case. But because I also wasn‘t so sure that I would want to go trough actual transitioning to a boy, I realized that I probably wasn‘t transgender. There were times where I compeletely forgot about this worry of mine, and then suddenly I would look into the mirror, or see or hear something, and a weird feeling would start to creep up again - am I maybe a boy? Now I‘m 20, and I have been pushing these thoughts away for a while. I came to the decision that I dont really care, Im not that bothered by my female body that I feel the need to change everytime I see myself, and I dont feel horrible if someone calls me a she/woman/girl - its just, some days I wish I didnt have breasts because they annoy me, and I would like to be flat so that some of the men shirts I own would look better. However I never feel the need to have a penis, because thats as much as a statement as breasts, I’m fine with my vagina because it isnz showing in any way through clothes. Other days I like showing cleavage, some days getting called a she just leaves a bit of a weird feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I like make up, (Eyeliner most of the time), other days putting lip stick on makes me feel like a clown. These things are present enough in my life that the thoughts about what I am creep up from time to time, but they are not so present that its always on my mind. Sometimes my mannerism arent really female - around my female friends I kinda have always felt like the elephant, not moving as gracefully, not talking as softly, not sitting that woman like - my mannerisms just seem to be more men like then my other female friends, but they are more female then most of my male friends.

Because transitioning fully to a man is not an option for me (waaay to unsure with what I am, and also most of the times I‘m fine with my body I think) I just sort of pushed it all away. I also have never tried to embrace my „male side“ more - I dont want to be judged or to be asked questions if I suddenly show up with a baseball cap and a typical men hoodie. I also dont want everyone to think I am a butch lesbian, because thats the first thing people would think. I feel like if I could wear and behave however I wanted, and no one would care or ask questions, there would be days where I would wear a baseball cap and a hoodie, chewing gum and drinking a beer and just sit on my car, chilling. And there would be days where I would wear a dress, have flowers in my hair and have a picknick or something. So far I have only really lived the female side of this - and with clothing I kinda compromise, if I wear a male sweater I wear tight jeans or make up, to even it out a bit. Enough for people to notice Im probably not a girly girl, but not enough to make them look twice or to question my style or gender or sexuality.

Ive been thinking about embracing the clothes side of men a bit more, because I lost some weight and I‘m a little less curvy then before, so men shirts start to look kinda better then before. However, I am terrified to embrace any of this whole gender fluid stuff - what if I just surpressed being trans or something? Or if I try it out and after that it becomed unbearable to not be able to fully live being genderfluid? Right now I can deal with it - I would wish to embrace it more, but I can mostly handle not being really able to do so. I am afraid that this will change if I get a taste of it. Also I am kinda questioning everything in regard to gender - because if no one had ever commented on me looking like a boy, if not everyone around me had despreatly tried to put me in some box, I dont think I would ever have started to worry about all of this, I would have just been me. So maybe I am just a female but I’m not fitting the stereotypes that are put upon genders? Sexuality wise Im attracted to men, however I believe we fall in love with souls not bodies. Still most of the time I cant see myself being intimate with a women, but then suddenly some days I can - maybe pan? I think this whole gender topic didnt really bother me that much for a while because I was only aware of trans, and that didnt really fit me - so I just left it. Then I heard of non binary, but like I said mostly im fine, also I wouldnt want to be called they/them I think so that didnt really fit either. But now with this genderfluid stuff I heard of something that might fit me, so Im having a slight identity crisis right now to be honest.

I would just absolutely love to hear your thoughts on all of this - would you say gender fluid could be the right description for me? Or something else? Am I just insane? xD Do you know someone who experiences gender fluid similarly to me? Because most despriptions are that the change of gender is extreme and suddenly, and with me its more a way of expressions, clothes and weird feeling.

Sorry for the insanely long text!

It’s ok. Your gender identity is fluid. Non binary meaning you don’t identify as a man or women. Both non binary and genderfluid can coexists and you can identify as both. As for pronouns it’s entirely up to you. Not everyone who is non binary uses they/them pronouns. It’s not a requirement.

It would also seem you hardly have gender dysphoria since most trans people have it. It’s ok to identify as trans without having dysphoria, it’s not a requirement either.

But I do think genderfluid fits very well with what you are feeling. I recommend having a support group in case people are transphobic to you. However, since politics is a bitch, people will side with the transphobes so your only choice is to find solidarity with others who know and understand LGBTQ issues.

Thanks for the ask tho!! ☺️☺️💘💕💞💖💗💓

[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 9

Disclaimer: Im so sorry for keeping you guys waiting, but Ive been trying to figure out my new schedule and had literally no time to write anything down 😬 This part contains lots of angst and honestly I don't feel like its the best🤣 I want to thank y'all for all the love and support💕☺️And forgive me in advance for this is 100% gonna be utter shit😭🙏🏽 So don't kill me😅

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 10

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @amy8220 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings  @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 

- Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Warnings: Angst, Violence, bad grammar + spelling.😂

Your POV

“My wife...” At Ivar’s words you had felt as if your heart had been ripped out of your chest, crumpled, and stomped on by him right in front of you. You just looked at the blonde beauty and thought about how perfect she was and how you could have never compared to her. “(Y/n), are you alright? You seem pale and quite unwell.” Freydis says to you with what would seem as genuine concern in her eyes. Your mind was at a loss for words, something that did not happen often to you anymore. You didn't know whether it could've been out fo jealousy or if out of shock and what seemed like a flare of anger rising in you. “Just a little light headed, that's all. Anyways, are you alright if we go up to the castle now? Or are there anymore people on the ship?” You say through gritted teeth and a fake smile on your face. Freydis exchanges a look with Ivar and he then turns to you with a smile on his face nodding. As the three of you turn to walk towards the hill leading to the castle, you noticed how Freydis gushed over Ivar in front of you. Occasionally she would turn and pretend to admire her surroundings and meet your eyes trying to show off. You promised yourself that for the love of your siblings and family that you would go along with the facade and pretend as if you didn't want to kill her every time she clung onto him like that. But it was proving much harder than you had initially thought. “Freydis, I would like a moment to talk to (y/n). You can continue making your way to the castle with a few of my men, just be careful love.” You heard Ivar say to her as his lips grazed hers. 

Why had you been so jealous? You were happily married now to Arthur and had 2 beautiful children by him. As you would not let yourself think otherwise as to who the possibility of who the father could be. Not paying attention to Ivar or his “wife” you kept looking out towards the gardens and the townspeople. Your body is then whisked around rapidly by your so called “brother” and you come face to face for the first time in 4 years. “Why?” “Why what Ivar?” You say rolling your eyes at him trying to avoid this touchy subject. “You know exactly what!” He says pulling you off to the side and out of hearing range of anyone around. “How could you keep my children away from me!” 

Ivar says as his grips tightens on your arms, surely to leave a bruise. Back then you would have cowered with fear at his tone of voice. But now you were a queen and Arthur had made you realize that no one not even himself could ever trample over you again! “First of all, you are not the king here and you DO NOT! Call the shots!” You say gripping his hand and forcing it to unclasp your arm. “Secondly, my children have a father and his name is Arthur Pendragon. The King of this land and I am his queen and I will not have you disrespect him with such blasphemous words leaving your mouth!” You say to him, with as much venom as you could muster laced into your words. His eyes showed shock and admiration in them. Surely in his mind he thought about how much you had changed and how the once scared girl that graced the land of Kattegat was now gone. Ivar knew the answer to his question though. You could not bare to let him in on the fact that you had bared him children, it would have placed everyone you cared for in the danger you had placed so far away from you. Not waiting for him to answer and get his words together you turn around and leave him behind in the dust. Walking away you felt empowered and for the first time like you had the control over him and it felt good.

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Making your way through the halls of the castle you finally reach the hall to see everybody gathered and chatting with each other. Marjorie notices you enter and springs quickly from Arthur’s lap and makes a bee line for your arms. “Mama! You're just in time, Uncle Bjorn is telling us stories of when you were my age. Frankly you were quite boring, but it’s okay you’ve gotten a wee bit more fun!”  She said as she clung around your neck. This child you say as you internally roll your eyes. She could always leave a whole room without words in seconds. But it was a quality that you were quite fond of. Carrying Marjorie in your arms you made your way towards Arthur and sat beside him. Marjorie then jumps from your arms to Arthurs lap and starts to play with the buttons on his jacket. Marjorie adored her father and it was evident to everyone who would look their way. Especially Ivar who sulked and gritted his teeth every time his eyes laid on her playing with Arthur. 

Arthur lived to serve our children, but Marjorie was his mini-me. However, Erik was all mine. At that I call Erik away from the candies I know that he so desperately wants to eat, but that I will not let him. This boy is hyper enough as it is and I cannot handle so much excitement and emotions today. His little eyes turn to me pleading for a small bite of the sweets that are bestowed upon him. However, I am firm in my decision and although disappointed he makes his way to me with a huge smile on his face and his arms outstretched. Holding him in my arms I cannot resist, but spin him around as we both giggle and fall to the floor in a fit of laughter. “You're an exceptional mother (y/n), I always knew you would be.” Bjorn says whilst looking toward me with tears brimming in his eyes. “I feel incredibly proud of you for pushing past all the horrible things that have been placed in front of you and you coming out on top.” At that tears begin to form in mine. “Ok, Ok. No more crying. I feel as if there has been enough of that in our lives to last us the rest of them.” Hvitserk says whilst laughing. At his comment everyone laughs and that is when Sara enters the hall. “Your highness it is time for their majesties’ lessons.” She says whilst bowing her head. At that Erik and Marjorie stand up and rush towards her. They loved Sara and treated her as if she were their older sister. In fact she was Mira’s younger sister who was sent to me by Gisela when she found out about my pregnancy. I could not have asked for a better tutor for my children. Saying my goodbyes to them I turn to walk towards my husband, but come to notice a certain look on a certain bear like man. Bjorn’s eyes hold an astonished look of admiration and adoration. The look of a man who's been taken to heaven and does not wish to come back. 

Arthur taps my knee to grab my attention, but he notices what Ive just witnessed and a smirk is displayed on his face. “It seems that our little Sara has caught your interest, Bjorn?” Arthur says playfully to him. “Yes, it appears to be so. Ive never met such a beautiful woman in my life.” Bjorn says still in what seems to be a trans like state of some kind. “Bjorn, surely you’ve met more beautiful women than a simple tutor and maid, have you not?” Freydis says from Ivar’s side. Her comments made by blood boil, which Arthur noticed and took quick action against. He placed his arms around my shoulders and whispered sweet nothings into my ears. He then lays one of his hands on my lap, to then which I place my hands on his, holding him ever close to us.

The way she caresses his hair and the way she positions herself beside him is bothersome to me. It goes to show that Freydis is a woman that will do anything to keep him, even if that a means worshipping him like a God. Trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension that quickly seems to be building up. Arthur asks about Kattegat and how it has been since we left. What we didn't know was that at this very moment just a few feet away was the person who would bring about sorrow and grief everywhere they went. Especially to me.

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Bjorn’s POV

When Arthur asked about the current state of Kattegat, my hands balled into fists. Not by his question, but because the ruin of Kattegat had come with us to England. “Well, it could be better, but I will not ruin our visit with such an ill subject.” I reply in a tone in which everyone understands that the subject matter at hand should not be one to be discussed. At the moment (y/n) decides to turn the attention upon Ivar and his new wife. It was obvious that she was hurt by it, however knowing my sister she would never admit that to a soul. She was moodier then I could remember her being, but it could just be the fact that people in England are moodier then everyone. “When and how did this come about, and why had we not heard sooner about this union Ivar. Where you hiding your wife from me? Or did you simply want to take us by surprise when you brought your whore to a place where my children reside? Huh!” (Y/n) says while she stands up, rage very much evident in her eyes. 

At that the room became silent and servants who seemed shocked and outright astonished by the fact that (y/n) was behaving this way. Arthur stood up from his throne and pulled her body into his as a way to try to calm her down, but we knew that it would not be so easy. “Control yourself (y/n), please. This is not good for you and you know it. The doctor said you should rest and not become stressed. Please I beg of you, listen to me and stand down.” Arthur whispers into her ear. After what seems like ages (y/n) looks down and Arthur softens his hold on her. A quiet Im sorry leaves her lips and she walks out of the room towards what seems to be her quarters. I would have to check up on her, this was very unsalted behaviour for her and it worried me.

 Arthur clears his throat and asks the servants to shows us to our rooms, but not before asking Ivar to stay behind. “Ivar, please stay. I would like to have a word with you and apologize for my wife’s behaviour towards you both.” As everyone moves Freydis seems to stay in her place by Ivar’s side. Obviously not getting the fact that she was not part of the conversation that was to be had. “Alone.” Arthur says while facing the window and his back to them. Something that I knew bothered Ivar very much...Authority and power which he could do nothing about. 

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Arthur’s POV

“So, what is it that you wanted to speak to me about, besides your wife’s ridiculous outburst?...Your majesty.” Ivar says through gritted teeth. Turning around I keep my face stoic as ever, however all I wanted was to punch this man in the face for all the pain and suffering he had not only caused my wife, but her people as well. I had heard of Ivar’s actions against his people from my spies in Kattegat and from Bjorn himself. I knew that the once respect that I held for this man had gone out the window the moment he started burning everyone who opposed him. “Come, I wish to show you something out on the balcony.” I say to him as I walk without waiting for his reply. I can feel his eyes burning holes into my skull, but I care not for this as I have more pressing matters at hand. 

Stepping out onto the balcony I look over the lands that had been bestowed upon me by my father. “These lands, were given to me by my father, who which in turn got them from his father, and so on. One day when (y/n) and I are gone these lands shall go to Erik or Marjorie... Our children.” In this moment Ivar scoffs and I could see him roll his eyes at me. “Your children? We both know who damn well! Fathered those children Arthur! It wouldn't take much to see the resemblance between us!” He yells at my direction. “I invited you to my home so that my wife would be able to see her family once again away from the dangers of Kattegat! But I now see that it was a mistake to invite you here. Erik and Marjorie are not and will never be yours! And on top of that you come with a “wife” who's sole purpose of your marriage was to get your mind off of my wife! MY WIFE! Whom shall never be yours!” I yell at him as my patience wears thin. Unable to hold back the anger and resentment I feel towards him anymore, I grab him by the collar and push him towards the railing. Grabbing him so that he may not fall, but just enough to try and scare him. 

However, I underestimated him and feel my footing quickly fall from beneath me. Ivar then lunges himself on top of me and begins to throw punches left and right. I dodge and fight back as much as I can, but he is able to get a couple of punches in. Spotting an opportunity I quickly flip us over and start punching him for everything he has done. At this point I see red and fear that there will be nothing to stop me from killing him. Except my wife. “Arthur! Let him go! What are you doing!” She says as she runs towards us. In that moment I forgot about ivar and stared at my wife, but it only took a second for Ivar to kick me and cause me to crash against the railing itself. “Ugh!” Before I could lunge myself at him (y/n) threw herself in front of him. And I stopped dead in my tracks. How could I have been so foolish to think that she could have ever loved me back. To think that we could have actually had something. NO! She will always choose him, she will always choose Ivar. 

Your POV

I couldn't let them go on. I couldn’t let my husband kill the man that I once loved. No matter how much he deserved it, but Arthur didn't understand that. He didn't understand that I had put Ivar behind me and that now all I wanted and all I needed was him. Arthur looked like as if his world had been flipped upside down and like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, by me. Shaking his head he looks down and heads inside. Not before stopping and turning around to face Ivar one last time. “If you ever utter the words that Erik and Marjorie are yours, I will not hesitate to kill you on the spot. Im done showing mercy and being the fool.” And with that he walks inside bloodied and leaving me astonished. “(y/n), I...” “Shut up! Just shut up! How dare you! Did I not warn you that something like this would happen! You need to stop Ivar, Erik and Marjorie are not yours and will never be! Arthur has been the father that they need and deserve. You on the contrary will never be their father, because all you do is bring me pain!” I yell at him through the tears that fall down my face like a cascade. 

“How could I have proven to you that I could be great father, when you didn't even give me a chance! I gave you a way out of the situation you were in! I told you that we could have run away together and lived together as a family away from it all. But you! You decided that I wasn't good enough for you!” He says standing up from the ground cradling his side, obviously showing that Arthur had got in a good punch or two. “I couldnt have and you know it! Floki he...” I begin to say before I stop myself and think about that night. “What! What did he say to you (y/n)! What lies are you gonna spew out about the only man that has ever cared for me my entire life!” He says getting extremely close to me, his eyes showing hints of a side to him that I had never come across but had heard from the gossip and read from the letters Bjorn sent to Arthur. “Your precious Floki threatened me with your life and that of everyone who is close to me, if I didn't leave Kattegat! So yes! Blame me Ivar for being so selfish that I placed your life and the lives of everyone I cared about before my own!” With that I left Ivar standing there in the balcony by himself, just like I had left him that night 4 years ago.

---------------------------

1 month ago...

“What do you need of me, my queen?” Freydis said to Aslaug. “Ivar and his brothers shall be visiting England fairly soon and I will need you to be my eyes and ears into everything that occurs there. I wish to know exactly what (y/n) and her husband have been up to, I hear that their union had been blessed with children. Find out more about them and if you ever get a chance, take this.” Aslaug says as she pull out a vial. “This will ensure your reign as Queen of Kattegat and will finally put an end to that Christian child. I do not care of she's miles away, while she breathes Ivar will never be yours. And he will never grow to be the man that I wish him to be.” Aslaug says with a cold heart and an even colder face. “But, she's of no danger to me. Ivar is mine and he always will be, its been fated by the gods themselves.” Freydis says giving the vile back. In that moment Floki comes out from the shadows. “I have lost all whom I care about, because of (y/n). Ragnar, Bjorn, Ivar and Helga have all turned their back on me because of her. I was forced to kill my own wife because of what she did in order to save this child. And you too will lose, if you do not comply with our demands.” He says whilst placing the vial back into Freydis’ palm. “You must do this if not for us, then for Ivar and all of the gods.” 

“I will...”

[mawbwehownets]

champagne, crushed velvet, faux fur, glitter, robe, satin, and silver for the luxury asks ówò

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours?

wheel of fortune that says marble hornets, good omens, and my own characters

crushed velvet: have you ever used your charm to get something you want?

one time when i was like 10 and still in the mlp fandom, i was on call w my friend group at the time, which consisted of mainly Underage Girls and Dudes In Their Early 20s, and they were talking abt playing gmod, and i complained abt not having it and feeling sad and left out. one of the dudes said he was gonna buy it for me, and i did like. that pretend-humble thing? 'oh nooooo dont spend ur money on me umu' but he did and then my laptop couldnt even run it. at the time i felt very bad but now im So Proud of my ten year old self for scamming some 20 year old jabroni creep outta that cash

faux fur: describe your wardrobe.

I HATE this question bc its the same answer every time, my wardrobe is that of a person whos insecure abt their body, tall, afab and fat. im out here trying to hide myself as much as possible with whatever fits

glitter: describe someone special to you.

hes small. hes got the Bisexual Bob with a dash of the Trans Undercut. hes my Yearnin Buddy. me 🤝 him, from our countries respective south. hes doesnt like peach ice tea. hes brave and handsome and so much stronger than he gives himself credit for. his name starts with a j and he knows Exactly Who He Is

robe: how do you prepare for an evening alone with a loved one/date?

uhhh i mean. the only people ive Dated have been long distance so like. to prepare to be alone with them would just be preparing to go on a trip

satin: what is your most favorite article of clothing?

i have like 6481649 denim articles of clothing and i love all of them but i think my Most Favorite is a vintage 80s denim shirt that i got from my dad

silver: do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?

I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS THE FIRST TIME but like my most obscure hobby is probably. like. embroidering fjrbfb

[cantdance]

carlycrays replied to your photo “marvel writers and editors trying to decide what to do with loki in an...”

Oh, sweet summer child, you clearly don't know how this works. Loki literally can't stay dead. That's a canon rule. Also, while Marvel hasn't had the best track record with the transgender community, when have they made transphobic jokes at Loki's expense?

nothing has ever made me jump out of bed and race to my computer faster than seeing this message. what is it this weekend that makes people feel like they need to answer my joke posts with a novel telling me how dumb i am?

first of all, allow me to allay your fears. at this point i have read over 400 issues of the original 1966 thor series, and i am still working my way through the rest. ive also read several of the modern retellings of the old comics, journey into mystery (2011) with kid loki and all the tie-ins, loki: agent of asgard, both of the angela series, vote loki, jane fosters entire run as the mighty thor, loki: sorcerer supreme, infinity wars (2018), the current thor series, and now war of the realms. ive also read a little thing called the mythology, as well as a few other modern adaptations. so, to recap, thats easily around 500 issues of asgardian comics, as well as the originating material, and assorted other sources. i know what the fuck im talking about, and i am not your sweet summer child, you condescending ass.

beside that, i am a real human being deserving of basic respect, and if this were actually a case of me not knowing something, you could easily communicate that without being so patronizing. people do it all the time! there are tons of things that i dont know about. unfortunately for you, this is the one thing i know a LOT about.

as for when loki has been subjected to transphobic jokes, well, thanks for giving me an excuse to make a post that ive been meaning to make for a while now. let me start off by saying: loki is genderfluid, and i am genderfluid myself. this list contains things that i personally found to be insulting or uncomfortable. not every trans person may agree with me, but that doesnt mean it doesnt need further examination. this list may also not be exhaustive because im not going to spend hours trawling through comics at 10:30 in the morning no matter how badly i want to prove you wrong.

we all know that loki was officially recognized as transgender and bi/pansexual (depending on your preference i guess, i like them as pan) in loki: agent of asgard (2014). however, never once does anyone in the series use any of the actual WORDS to communicate this. never does anyone say “genderfluid” or “transgender” or “bi” or “pan” or “queer” or even “lgbt”. odin calls them “my child who is both a son and a daughter” which is very binary and not a great take on genderfluidity, but hey, odin right? this isnt part of the list, i just think its something that people need to talk about more.

anyway, after that is when the bullshit starts. i mean, ignoring how making loki a queer-coded villain from the beginning was scuzzy, ignoring the almost 50 years time where they did play that role, and ignoring the whole lady loki thing where they were pretty much portrayed as a man pretending to be a woman. heres the list:

vote loki (2016) issue 1 by christopher hastings and langdon foss

loki “turns into a woman” because it might do better in the polls. the reporter whose name i dont care to look up points this out because thats a totally acceptable thing to do when you see a trans person. after these few pages it never comes up again. lokis genderfluidity is being used for a cheap joke here. dont even get me started on how female-presenting loki is portrayed as being more clean and feminine than male-presenting loki, which is in and of itself a form of transphobia: that transgender women have to be ultra feminine to be accepted as the gender they are.

the mighty thor (2015) issue 3 by jason aaron and russell dauterman

loki summons a bunch of other versions of themselves for seemingly no reason, and of course all of them are presenting in a masculine way because lokis genderfluidity is only acknowledged when convenient. lady loki from dark reign pops up and says that since shes the only REAL female loki, its her job to fight jane as thor. now, im not going to sit here and unpack all of that for you, so please fire up your critical thinking skills and try to decide why exactly this is bad.

infinity wars (2018) issue 5 by gerry duggan and mike deodato jr

i went and scanned my physical copy of this just for you. here we see loki leading their team to talk to the child version of gamora who lives inside the soul stone. once they get there, emma says that she and ms marvel will go in alone because it “calls for a womans touch” and loki would just get them killed. in case youre missing the subtext, emma is saying here that loki cant do this, but a woman can, which means she is calling loki a fake woman, or at best, shes completely ignoring their gender and calling them a man.

these are just the three examples that stick out the most in my mind. its worth mentioning that the only time loki has “become a woman” (i hate using this phrase btw) is in those couple pages in vote loki, and the only time that loki has been actively called genderfluid was in squirrel girl (2015) issue 27. yknow, squirrel girl. the series that no one takes seriously and will insist isnt canon even though it is?

there is a very insidious form of quiet transphobia simply in the fact that no one at marvel will acknowledge lokis identity, much less say it out loud or use the correct terminology. in fact, ever since agent of asgard (the series that cemented lokis trans and pan-ness) ended, many writers including jason aaron and gerry duggan have all but ignored that it happened, erasing the progress that loki made as a person as well as their newly gained autonomy and, indirectly, the fact that they were ever confirmed as genderfluid and pansexual.

one last thing that i want to say is that while it may be a rule that loki never stays dead, subjecting a trans and gay character to repeated deaths for the sake of furthering plot is NOT a good thing. having the gay come back does not erase the fact that you buried them in the first place. being that loki is amab, this is extra sketchily tied to violence against trans women, which is a point that we all need to consider.

[tumblunni]

Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell

[rockinmoroccann]

okay yo weird deep shit time. so basically gender shit is weird and ive always kind of identified with boys? but also im fine being a girl?? im so confused

and like, it’s weird. like, my sexuality has never shifted. ever. ive always only ever liked boys. but like, ive always also identified with them a little bit... like i prefer wearing more masculine clothes to feminine ones. i don’t like wearing makeup that much and im uncomfortable in a dress. in 9th grade, i considered getting an undercut. i always pretended to by a male character when playing make-believe with my friends when i was younger. i joke that my voice sounds like a “teenage boy’s” with my friends; in my friend group, there’s the mom friend, the dad friend, the estranged aunt, and me, the “10-year-old boy”. and i don’t mind. in fact, i encourage it, almost. i don’t know. it’s somehow pleasing to me, to be referred to in a masculine way, but i don’t understand why. i’m not unhappy being a girl– in fact, it’s more comfortable and safe feeling to me, and i prefer it. but sometimes i wonder what it would be like to actually be a boy, or at least something in the middle- not quite a boy, not quite a girl. 

but i dont know if this is just a continuation of my habit of emulating things i find attractive? in all the boys i’ve been interested in, ive found ive picked out pieces of their personalities, their interests, their mannerisms and actions and adopted them as my own, because the person i liked also liked/acted like that, and i wanted to have more in common with them. i’ve never imagined myself becoming anything other than someone’s “girlfriend” or “wife”; never his “boyfriend” or “husband”. 

but like, then again... i don’t know. i don’t mind being called male pronouns, and one of my nicknames (murphy) is a male name. and some part of me... has always liked it when i’m called male pronouns or the male name? but i also like being a girl. maybe because i’m afraid that no normal boy will be romantically interested in me if i do in fact present as agender, or trans, or whatever. i mean, i’m attracted to such a niche sort of grouping of guys already, and i haven’t had the best luck anyway, why make my life harder for myself and risk turning a potential partner off? i don’t mind being a girl if it means i get a bf. and like, i’m fine as i am right now. i’m not, like, dysphoric or anything. it’s just that i kind of, i don’t know. sometimes i imagine at least changing my pronouns to male on here and seeing what it would feel like. and sometimes i imagine choosing what my male name would be. and okay, on the partner thing, i know i’m still young. and the odds are i’m going to find someone who loves me for who i am, whatever i am, eventually. but until then, what?

and that’s not even taking into account that i literally don’t know what i would be if i’m not a girl– something weirdly in the middle? i don’t know. it’s weird. i like some aspects of being a boy and some aspects of being a girl, but i don’t know how i would mesh those or if it’s even possible. 

[awkwardlytimednosebleed]

Answer the questions!!!!!!!!!

I cannot believe you are making me do all of them i had to get m laptop for this. but i love you still so here we go I dont know how to put things under a cus so sorry to anyone that must scroll past this.

1. How do you define your sexuality? bi

2. At what age did you first realize that you like girls? 9 ish

3. How out are you? out to everyone but family4. At what age did you first come out? 21ish?5. Who was the first person you came out to? 

How did they take it? hayley i think she was pissed i didnt tell her sooner but in a loving way love you girl sorry abt not being open haha6. Has coming out lost you any friends? nope i have good ass friends7. What is your current relationship status? single8. How many gay friends do you have? i have like 3 or 4 bi/pan friends 1 or two lesbian friends9. How many male friends do you have? like 210. Have you ever cut your hair super short? i just cut it super short!11. How often do you wear flannel? almost every day oops12. How much do you like cats? a lot13. Do you like skirts and dresses? i get moods where i do14. Do you like high heels? no15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and where? no but i want one16. How accurate is your gaydar? pretty darn shitty17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club? no18. How do you feel when plutonic female friends refer to each other as girlfriends? im ok with it19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl? HAHAHAHAHAHA yes20. Ellen or Portia? ellen21. Is your nose pierced? no22 Would you ever want to get married? yes23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding? yes but also converse24. Would you ever want to give birth? does anyone actually want that? i wld want a child25. Have you ever watched The L Word? no26. Have you ever dated a guy? yes27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring? annoyed28. How many rainbow items do you own? 2?29. Have you ever been to a pride festival? no30. Have you ever celebrated National Coming Out Day (October 11)? no31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence? no32. Have you ever worn a woman’s suit? ya like a pantsuit33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing? ya34. Do you eat meat? ya35. Do you consider yourself a feminist? ya36. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity? Stephanie Beatriz37. Are you religious at all? ish38. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peak or staring at a cute female? lol too often39. What is your ideal first date? bokstore date bookstore date bookstore date40. Are you comfortable with terms such as lezzie, lesbo, or dyke? no but because im not a lesbian so i dont feel like i have a right to those words41. How outdoorsy are you? i like to hike42. In general, has being out affected your relationships with other females?no43. How much makeup do you typically wear? none44. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? ya45. Are you more feminine or more masculine? feminine46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person? 3.5 years? ad no47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters? ive never had a girlfriend :(48. Do you think it is possible for someone to truly be a 50/50 bisexual, or is the percentage always skewed in favor of one gender? Its possible. i think i dont have the right to define anyone elses sexuality49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight? ya in the dark days50. Do you watch any lesbian YouTubers? rose and rosie51. Do you like wearing combat boots or Doc Martins? converse52. Have you ever been hit on by another female? no? 53. How athletic are you? HA54. How many girlfriends have you had? 0 :((55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings? no56. What does equality mean to you? treating everyone with respect 57. If you are not a full blown lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females? 100% have you seen girls58. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend? :((((59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you? :((((60. How flirty are you? I get scared and I say fun facts about penguins instead.61. Are you a virgin? ya62. Do you listen to any LGBT musicians such as Tegan and Sara, Melissa Etheridge, or Chely Wright? ya63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay? no64. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality? If so, please explain. I mean my parents are biphobic so they dont know but no?65. Have you ever driven an SUV or a pickup truck? no66. Are you or have you ever been a tomboy? no67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay. disagree68. What personality trait are you most attracted to? intelligence/kindness69. Boobs or butts? butts70. Beer or wine? beer71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie? DEBS72. From 1-10, how attractive are muscular women? 1073. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses? infinity74. From 1-10, how attractive are women who are covered with tattoos?975. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women? 1076. From 1-10, how attractive are women with short hair? 1077. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women? 1078. From 1-10, how attractive are highly intelligent women? infinity79. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)? 1080. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend? :(((81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy? :( but also :) because that sounds shitty82. Do you carry a purse? occasionally83. Do you have any LGBT relatives? not thati know of but statistically i have to84. Have you ever pretended to be completely straight? ya85. Would you ever date a trans girl? ya86. How well do you think LGBT women are portrayed in television? meh87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you? no88. Do you have any celebrity crushes? many89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military? they should be allowed to do and participate in the same things as everyone else.90. Do you believe in love at first sight? no91. Would you ever have a threesome? If so, would a guy be included? in theory yes to both92. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover? at school93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn? i have no idea94. Have you ever had a one night stand? no95. How often do you wear a bra? always in public rarely at home96. Have you ever been part of a softball team? no97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women? yes98. What stereotype about LGBT women do you disagree with the most?  that theyre confused or going through a phase99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality? dont get hung up on labels just live your truth 100. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to come out?  your safety is the most important thing please be safe

[youalready2do]

Micheal Cho FAILED WORLD MISERABLY. ME WHAT A PEICE OF SHIT!

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME COMPUTER THAT HE AND “HIS” TEAM, USED TO CAUSE NATURAL DISASTERS, GIVE SYMPTOMS OF CORONA VIRUS VIA SATELLITE, EVEN DEATH, THEY CAUSED NATURAL DISASTERS, MAN MADE DISASTERS, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ME WORLDWIDE CREDIT, HE WAS TO ENSURE NOTORIETY FOR BEING VOTED BEST COP IN WORLD, PAY ME 3 MONEY TRUCKS FULL OF MONEY! ( I don’t mind sharing. Break banks open Cho, let money fly in streets, You already robbed them digitally, A News Station Portable, Radio Station, Sound National Alarm. Instead you pretend I’m your wife and your butt buddy and copper crotch wife’s wife too, fat and stinky pussy! You got my son STOLEN TECHNICALLY AFTER YOU MADE HIM ROBOTIC, BREAK LAW WHEN WE NEED TO EVACUATE, YOU THREATEN TO KILL MY KIDS, YOU SAID YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND, I NEVER GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO YET SO HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, YOUR WIFE CAN HAVE HIM, AND YOU ALL WANT TO RAPE AND KILL ME, AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE. FUCK THAT! YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR NOT EVEN FROM OUR COUNTRY AND YOU FUCKING COME IN HERE, KILL ALMOST EVERYONE IN 6 COUNTRIES HERE, AND TRANS SON SAID ITS 16 COUNTRIES, TRY TO RETEND YOUR PUTTING YOUR GROSS DICK IN MY PUSSY, MY KIDS, YOU RAPED MY MOM AND DAD, BEAT UP MY SON, OR GOT HIM BEAT UP AND STOLEN ROBOTICALLY REPETITIVELY, I HAVE A HUSBAND REMEMBER, YOU FOUND HIM FOR ME, INSISTED I HAVE ONE SO YOU COULD FIND ME MY “PERFECT TYPE OF GUY”, HEN WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE YOU FORCED US (AND OTHERS) TO DO THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO, SEX W/ PEOPLE WE DONT WANT TO. JUST TO RUIN EVERYONES LIVES YOU COME ACCROSS OR YOU KILLED THEM OUT OF THIER ASSETTS, AND KIDS, SO YOU CAN SELL THEM, RAPE THEM, YOU AND THE TRANS, AND MR. KIM. YOU WERE TOLD TO RESPECT ME, OH FAIL YOUR FAMILY MISERABLY AND YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME. IM THE ONE WHO DID WONDERFUL AMAZING THINGS, AND YOUR WIFE, HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, SAID NO ONE WILL KNOW THE AMAZING THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU TOLD ME, ID NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KIDS, YOU PLAN TO DROP US IN WATER, LEAVE US WITH NO POWER, OR PLANES, YOU TOLD PEOPLE IF THEY HELP ME, YOU’D KILL THEM. YOU AND TRAN SAID HE’S GOING TO CUT MY KIDS HEADS OFF, AND RAPE THEM. FUCK THAT! YOU KEPT ME AWAY FROM MY KIDS AND HAD MY SISTER PUNISH MY SON IF HE TALKED TO ME 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AGO, MY SON ALWAYS GOT STRAIT A’S AND B’S THROUGH SCHOOL AND HAD A JOB ALREADY THAT HE WAS FORCED TO QUIT BOTH, F’S DUE TO TORCHER OF MIND YOU GAVE HIM WITH YOUR 3 STOOGES. YOU PICKED FIGHTS THROUGH HIM AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY SO HE’D HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE, AND TOLD HIM TO MOVE ONTO STREETS WITH ME, YOU TOLD ME TO DREAM BIG, AND I DID, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIVE, AND INSTEAD YOU REPETITIVELY MADE ME RELIVE THIER MURDERS WITH SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS IN VIVID MOVIE LIKE FORM IN OUR BRAINS, YOU MADE MY SON SAY FOR ATLEAST A YEAR HE’S A MURDERER, OR HOWEVER MANY, AND ME, I FOUND 3 NEW WITNESSES 2 YESTERDAY AND ONE TODAY THAT THEY HEARD YOU GUYS IN THIER EARS TOO. MAKING THEM DO THINGS THEY DONT WANT TO DO TOO. MADE HIM STAY WITH MY SISTER WHO HAS LIKE 9 PERSONALITIES DUE TO COMPUTER YOU ABUSE. IM TIRED OF THE 2ND STUPID, STUTTERING TERRORIST, BITCH THAT YOU ARE, FUCKING UP MY VIDEO STATEMENTS, FLAPPING YOUR LIPS WHEN I TALK SO I HEAR YOU IN MY EAR SAY THE SAME THINGS I DO AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SWEAR AT MY SON THROUGH ME WHEN IM TALKING TO HIM, YOU HUMILIATE MY SON AND I REPETITIVELY, MAKING US USE RESTROOM OUTSIDE, LITTERALLY BANNING ME FROM MOST EVERY STORE OF ANYKIND. AGAIN, YOU MADE PORN OF ME AND MY SON BOTH WITHOUT ANY CONSENT OF OURS. YOU MAKE HIM WALK BEHIND A BUSH TO ROBOTICALLY PLAY WITH HIS PENIS AND HE’S TALLER THAN IT. WHEN YOU CALLED COPS ON PURPOSE TO COME, YOU MAKE HIM WHOP OUT HIS DICK IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE TO PEE. YOU MADE HIM STEAL GUN CLIPS FOR A GUN YOU PREMEDITATED FOR 5 OR 6 YEARS SO YOU CAN FORCE HIM TO KILL OUR FAMILY AND/OR HIMSELF. YOU BEAT UP MY WONDERFUL SON, YOU MADE HIM BUY ZANEX AND TAKE THEM TO ALMOST OVERDOSING POINT ON 90 DEGREE WEATHER DAY, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SWEATSHIRT YOU MADE HIM LEAVE ON, YOUVE TOLD HIM FOR YEARS I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE, HUGEST LIE EVER, IVE HAD LIKE 5 DAYS OFF IN 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AND I STUDIED EXTREAMLY HARD THE MASON’S . YOU PLANNED ON KILLING US FROM BEGINNING AND STOLE OUR LOVE, YOU FORCE ME AND MY SON TO BE DIRTY, BEG FOR FOOD AS I INVESTIGATED TERRORISTS OF SECRET SOCIETY, YOU USED US AS HUMAN EXPERIMENTS WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION, MADE ME AND MY SON BE PUT INTO MENTAL HOSPITALS, AND JAILS, UOU FORCED FELONY CHARGES ON US SO WE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO STEAL CARS OR GET INTO A HOUSE FOR SAFETY EITHER WAY WHEN THE TIME CAME AND WE WOULD NEED TO ESCAPE OR HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE, YOU MAKE US THINK OUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD, DID YOU KILL ALL 17 YEAR OLDS IN THE WORLD, ONLY 17 YEAR OLDS DONT GET STIMULOUS, YOUR THREATENING OUR LOVED ONES NOW AND YOUVE BEEN TOLD OF REQUIREMENTS NOT TO KILL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, IVER AND OVER THAT YOU NEED TO RESPECT ME! AND YOU ACT LIKE A STUPID BITCH. YOUR FIRED OFF THAT FUCKING COMPUTER AND YOU GET NO WIFI. I DEMAND THAT YOUR EXECUTED FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU DID, AND DO. YOUVE HAD MY SON WALKING ON STREETS YEARS AGO AND YOU MAKE HIM DEPRESSED, VIOLENT VIA SATELLITE. MY SON HAS NEVER EVER SEEN VIOLENCE, FUCKING BITCH, YOUR THE ONE THAT MADE HIS DAD PUSH HIM AGAINST A STONE BRICK WALL AT AGE 10. YOU HAD MY EX’S ROBOTICALLY BEAT ME UP AND CHEAT ON ME OR LEAVE. YOU THREATENED TO KILL EVERYONE’S MOM’S IF WE DONT CHEAT ON THE PERSON WE LOVE BEFORE WERE EVEN TOGETHER, KEPT ME AND MY NEW HUSBAND APART OBVIOUS TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, TOLD ME, SO I NOTICED YOU TELL ORHERS SAME THINGS, SO I ASSUME YOU TOLD MY SON AND EVERYONE ELSE THEY HAVE TO FUCK A DEAD PERSON TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES EVEN THE WORLD, PRETENDED YOUR MY HUSBAND TO CLAIM (WELL EVERYONES MINEY) REMEDITATED MURDER ON WHOLE WORLD THEN FOR YOU, DEATH PENALTY VIA SATELLITE. YOU PLAYED SAME GAME WHEN YOU FORCED STRICKLIN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY, WOULDNT LET HIM SEE OR TALK TO ME 6 YEARS, MY BEST ALLIE TO SAVE WORLD, YOU SET UP OUR PRESIDENT, SO YOU COULD MAKE HIM YOUR HUMAN PUPPET LIKE MY SON AND MANY MANY OTHERS! THEYRE STUCK IN THIER OWN BODIES UNABLE TO EXPRESS THIER OWN FEELINGS, EMBARRASSED MY SON, ALLIENATED HIM FROM SOCIETY, 17 AND A HALF YOU HAVENT ALLOWED HIM A REGULAR ENOUGH LIFE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND YET, SO HE’S A VIRGIN AND YOU WANTED TO SET HIM UP WITH BLACK WIDOW AND MY HUSBAND. YOU MADE MY FRIENDS FUCK HOOKERS YOU MAY HAVE GIVEN AIDS TO ON PURPOSE, AND YOU PRETEND YOU FOUND THE CURE, YEAH RITE, YOU MADE THEM HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, (YOU SAID YOU PAID THEM FOR THIS, YOU HAD MY HUSBAND RAPED THEN AND MADE HIM CRY. STRICKLAND,TOO AND YOU ALLEGEDLY SENT OUT HIS WIFE, MY SON IS IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT I LOVE HIM, I SURE HOPE YOU DIDNT HAVE HIM KILLED WHEN HE WAS TAKEN TO JAIL LIKE 5-6 FAYS AGO, BECAUSE UOUR BRAINWASHING AND MIND TORCHER BRAGGED YOU KILLED MY KIDS AND CUT OFF THIER HEADS, THAT’S FUCKED UP, I HAD AN OFFICER FROM MPD CALL THE NEXT MORNING, ALLEGEDLY HE’S THERE. YOU RAISED HOS BAIL TO $500.00?FROM $ 200.00, NOW YOU OBVIOUSLY WONT LET DAVE CONNELL BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE NEEDS ME MOST, AND YOU THREATENED TO KILL DAVE AND HIS GRAND DAUGHTER. YOU THREATENED ME THAT YOUR GOING TO CUT OFF MY SON’S DICK, SO DAMN STRAIT I TOLD YOU SAME THING, THATS WHAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. YOU THREATENED THIS TO STRICKLIN AND MR. ASHBACK WHO’S MY NEW HUSBAND. YOU HELD 4 OFFICERS THAT KNOW OF IN MARYSVILLE JAIL, POSING AS WORKERS, MY LONG LOST NEPHEWS HOSTAGE IN KITTITAS COUNTY JAIL WITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR NEW FAMILY. AND FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL. YOU TOLD MY SON ME AND HIS DAD ARE DEAD, AND THAT YOU KILLED HIS FRIENDS. YOU CLONED US. AND SAID ID HAVE TO PICK REAL ONE OF 27 OF STRICKLIN TO SAVE HIM, HOW MANY CLONES DID YOU MAKE OF MY KIDS, YOU TRIED TO TELL ME, YOU SWITCHED MY SON NUMEROUS TIMES, THATS A FUCKING LIE. YOU SEND PEOPLE TO PICK FIGHTS WITH ME AND MY SON, YOU MADE ME SHIT MY PANTS AND PISS THEM ON Q. YOU SENT WEIRD PEOPLE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT TO THREATEN MY LIFE OR TRAT ME LIKE IM THIER BITCH FIRST MINUTE WE MEET, AND TALK SHIT TO ME. THAT SHIT DOESNT FLY UR A FUCKIND DUMB ASS DUDE, YOU EANT RESPECT BUT YOU GIVE NONE, YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS MOTERHOMES AND OR CARS TO FLY LOW FAST AND CRASH LIKE UOU SAID YOU MADE COPS DO! WITNESSES OF YOUR MIND TORCHER, AND YOU MADE-THEM KILL AND RAPE PROPLETaxi GUYS, DICKS TOWING AND HARRY’S TOWING TRUCK DRIVERS TOO, YOU MADE THEM PARTICIPATE WITH THE FIREMEN TO CLEAN UP MURDER SCENES ETC. YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE NO LOVE FOR YEARS AND PRETENDED YOUR DEMANDS ARE GOING TO FLY ON YOU AND YOUR BUTT BUDDIES STICKING YOUR DICKS IN ME OR MY KIDS AND THIER FRIENDS THAT YOU USE TO FUCK DEAD PEOPLE AND GOATS WITH, GROSS, I HEARD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, AS YOU AND OR STUBBBLEBINE MADE ALEX WRITE ON HIS PANTS THAT IM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE, AND THAT HES BEEN RAPED, ON HIS PANTS, IN WRITING LIKE ILL SUBMIT AS EVIDENCE, PICTURES OF MURALS THAT TELL OF MURDER, RAPE, SLAVERY, ME, MY HUSBANDS NAMES MY KIDS EVEN MY GRANDMA’S MURDER PLOT I FOUND IN SMOKEY POINT. YOU SHOOT PEOPLE AND RAN CHAIN SAWS AT NIGHT KILLING PEOPLE FOR ATLEAST A YEAR EVERY NIGHT I WASNT IN JAIL, YOU HAD ME DOING LIKE ALMOST 5 YEARS IN JAIL, NOW YOUR THROWING MU SON IN JAIL, I HAD TO CALL COPS TO SAVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FROM THE ROBOTIC MURDER PLOT YOU PREMEDITATED ON MY FAMILY. YOU SHOOT BUS DRIVERS DO WE MIGHT ONE DAY GET STUCK SIMEWHERE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING WISH WE WERE LEAVING WITH YOU YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT! FUCK THAT RIDDLE HIM WITH BULLETS IN EVERY COUNTRY. HE GETS A HARD ON BY PLAYINF ROLE OF STUPID BITCH IN MORONIC, MASONIC, RETARD, RELAY OLYMPICS OF DIAREAH OF THE FACE. YOU FUCKING WANTED MY SON TO CHOKE ON MY TAMPONS I PUT DOWN WATER DRAINS TO KEEP AWAY FROM YOU. YOU GAVE MY NEPHEW D.J. A BAD HEART VIA SATELLITE. YOU GAVE JEFFREY MY OTHER NEPHEW LUKEMIA VIA SATELLITE TOO, YOU GAVE MY SON DIABETIES VIACSATELLITE, WONT LET HIM EAT, AT TIMES, LET ALONE EAT HEALTHY. UOU FORCE A BINCH OF SUGAR IN HIM LIKE CANDY POP ETC. YOU SENT STRICKLINS WIFE OUT ON STREETS ALLEGEDLY AND FORCED HIM TO CHEAT. DID YOU KILL ALL OF OUR COP FRIENDS FROM MPD AND EVERETT JAIL? ALL MY KIDS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THEY ARE TO BE TOP PRIORITY, AS MICHEAL CHO, YOU ALSO GOT SCHOOLED ALONG THE WAY, AND YOU

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

[chaosamplified]

Answer all the questions!

Alisons: Sexuality?

gay 

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

he/him, male

Amaryllis: Birthday?

January 23, 2000

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

I think so

Baneberries: Favorite song?

im really feeling Dimple by BTS right now

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

my home family is me, my dad and Cammie. before college I saw my mom once a week. my dad’s side of the family is a bunch of Polaks, my grandma says she isn't polish but we have other thoughts (thats a joke...kind of) they are all mostly not affectionate and they show they care by making fun of each other and if you look at it from the outside it looks like we all really hate each other but thats just how we do things. my moms side is not like that at all, they all pretend to really care about each other but theres a split where half of them are really liberal and the other half is very conservative and borderline racist. I don't doubt that they all genuinely love each other and they do provide for each other in crisis times but they don't really....like each other u know. and the two sides of my family could start world war 3 with the hatred they have for each other 

Begonia: Favorite color? 

steel blue 

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

turtle 

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person 

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

id be a cat they are always so chill and they know they can do whatever they want and they're right  

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

the house I lived in only had 1 story that was safe for children to be in so I was very bad at using stairs until I was 12 because I never had to 

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? 

if I could do whatever I want id probably visit my mom and apologize for all the things I would never say otherwise. spend some time with Charlie and Lio. tell him all of the things im too afraid to say now. and end the day with Cammie and my dad, probably crying. 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

greece maybe? somewhere on the Mediterranean that isn't Cassis because I want variety 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

not yet

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

2 in each ear 

California Poppy: Height?  

5′1

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

no but I wish they were real

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

green sweatshirt, black “skinny” jeans, black vans, green and orange floral hat 

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I kept my closet light on every night for the first like 10 years of my life 

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

Lio

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

courier new 

Columbine: Are you tired?

eternally (not actually, im chillin right now)

Coneflower: Dream job?

head songwriter/performer/art coordinator/all that shit for a touring solo act (me, im the act)

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

Puppy and Fred were both Dalmatians, and then Allie and Tom who were cats (I still have all of them at home except for puppy)

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Aquarius 

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

ive done lots of things that are worth having me remember, im not sure that ive done anything worth having other people remember 

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

literally not care at all

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

Cammie I think

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

talking about things when they actually matter 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

I finished editing one of my songs! I performed live for the first time in over a year! I uhhh started growing a penis!

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

fine, not extraordinarily good but not bad 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

not one bit 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

nothing :) sleep?

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

fantasy ideal is like. waking up and making out with my boyfriend and then going to an amusement park for a couple hours just cuz we can, spending the evening performing and then getting wasted with that same boyfriend in our luxurious house 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

play piano and lay on piano 

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

like 5 that I would genuinely consider friends 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I try too hard at some things and not hard enough at other things and never the right amount about literally anything

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I can see anything as art or potential art 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

hm. well. inability to talk about things when they matter. boobs. ugly in general. lazy. the list goes on

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

I really liked creating entire universes. like literal different planets and creatures that live there and relationships between them and the way they live their lives. 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

my mom going to jail

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I picked Sam as a holder name while I was discovering that I was trans because it was very easily gender neutral and started with the first letter of my birth name and then when I came out I still hadn't picked a better name but I didn't want to hear my birthname anymore so I just said I was going by Sam. when I changed it legally I made it Samuel because I no longer related to gender neutrality and I never had a nickname growing up and wanted Sam to be my birthname. Somehow Alexander just came to me as a middle name, I didn't really think about it at all and was doodling things about names and wrote “Samuel Alexander” and was like huh. and didn't think about it for months. and then in class one day I said “guys I don't even have a middle name” and Hailey was looking up names and came up with a couple and wasn't satisfied with her findings and then she found Alexander and was like “ok this one for sure” and I had never even mentioned to her that I was considering Alexander and then I was like well this is it. later I realized that when I was little I usually picked the name Alex as my character names but then decided I couldn't use it because I wasn't cool enough. I still feel like im not cool enough for the name Alex but now I go by Sam to some people and Alex to others 

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

Jackson, Michigan. I usually thought that it sucked because theres not a lot for like teenagers to do there. but I was never one of those who despised it there, which is how most people who live there feel. now that im in Ann Arbor I realize that there just aren't a lot of opportunities for what society says teenagers should do, but that we made do. I realize now that Jackson is actually pretty rad and I can't wait to go back there tomorrow. I miss it a lot. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

really awful lavender walls with pink, green, yellow and blue butterfly decor everywhere. my sister and I shared it and never changed anything about it from the years of 2003-2012 (2012 being when we moved out)

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

I kind of mentioned this before. It sucked in lots of ways. I was really suicidal for a long time. I hated all of my family situations. I thought I would never amount to anything, I thought I would never have the courage to come out as anything. I didn't think I was gonna go to college. but I also had some really awesome lovely friends in middle and high school, Max, Hailey and Eli in particular. Eli and I have some differing views and don't talk a lot anymore, and Hailey and I had a really bad falling out, but we had no tension it was great. with Max is where most of my “teenage fun” (?) happened tho. he had a car and we did dumb shit like go to Cascades and random parking lots and grocery stores. we smoked weed once and got drunk once. those days were great and I never thought about my family and was never suicidal when I went out with Max on random high school nights

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

we were moderately close when I was really little, and then my parents started getting divorced and some shit went down between us and we didn't talk for 6 months. when I started talking to her again things were very tense. I didn't like her and I didn't want her in my life at all. our relationship is still strained but I love her now and were never going to agree on everything and she's always going to hold to a lot of her ways, and were never going to have the relationship I wish we did. but she's doing her job as a parent now and thats what I care about. she has a very specific personality based off of pop culture and ive kind of developed some of that in my own life. she's hard to explain

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

until I was like 5 I genuinely thought that he hated me, but in reality he was just stressed and worked all the time and didn't really know how to be a parent. we were never exactly close when I was young, I was kind of afraid of him. then the divorce happened and he realized that I am a person with thoughts and feelings and goals and that he was in charge of helping me develop, now all on his own. he didn't do a great job with that transition, and kind of just started treating me as an adult. but it worked. we got really close and stayed that way for a few years. then he got in a new relationship and all of her children moved in with us and they were awfully behaved and him and his girlfriend treated my sister and I as if we were also awfully behaved even though we aren't, so for that time period I had strong feelings that he wasn't being a good parent and was quite frankly being neglectful, which honestly was true. now that they no longer live with us (them? I don't live there anymore) I feel like our relationships is a lot better. could also have something to do with the fact that ive moved out. now that im rebellious and don't care what he thinks my life is a lot better. aside from parenting, he's a really cool person. he plays guitar and has lots of knowledge about musical equipment, he is the reason I took this path in life and he supports me because that was his dream too. he is also so good at being a mechanic like his customers are so loyal that he moved companies and most of them came with him, he's great at it and has so much knowledge. he just in general has a lot of knowledge and great stories and is very funny. I love him a lot

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my Papa (grandpa on dads side) was my entire heart. he loved me more than anything and I felt the same about him. he died when I was 6 and I can't really get more into it because it is one of the saddest thing that has ever happened to me and I don't think I will ever get over it. his wife, my grandma, has surprisingly been one of my most supportive family members with my transition. she took me to France and not any other grandkids. I think im her favorite no offense. I also lived with her for a long time so we're moderately close. now that im older and don't care what my family thinks of me its really easy for me to talk to her. my grandma on my moms side lived with us 4 months of the year but she had some sort of mental problem that never got diagnosed that made it slightly uncomfortable to be around her, but she loved us with her whole heart and I love her too. her husband I only met twice in my life and I don't care about him at all

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I met my crush by force 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

I don't really have anyone that I look up to in the traditional sense 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

in love. making sufficient money off my music that I can take extended break periods and my partner doesn't have to work. having exciting adventures all the time

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

god. lol

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

Cammie

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

not to be narcissistic but genuinely probably when I play a whole song on piano and can feel that im playing everything correctly 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

this is an unfair question! I usually put the nerf in the middle of the night at Michaels story because its lit. 

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

uhhh being abused. haha

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

easy when they are social issues or they don't personally affect me. hard if I have to tell another person my personal views on them or something they do

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Cammie

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 7 hours with waking up approx 6 times in there 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

school. sometimes thats not enough and I don't get up

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

I don't have a job

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

I really like my blue/gold/white sweatshirt and the green and orange floral hat im wearing now (bc its from cassis)

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

gay punk alcoholic wannabe skater kpoppie 

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

I reallllyyyy want a Yoongi funko pop at this moment in time. in general I never know.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

not knowing if he wants to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

literally 0. i haven't read a book like last march (?) when I sped read The Kite Runner in 48 hours for a class 

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

I have no clue! hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

unfortunately 

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I want to dye my hair a fun color but am afraid 

[weholyperfectioncollectorme-blog]

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BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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i need a cheap used small car anyone have any ideas where it would be reliable to get one..? not auto trader because i cant exactly trust a randomer selling a car which is probly going to break down 2 days later.... any ideas of something or places plz

Drivers License with Insurance?

Do you have to be on someones insurance if you get a driver's license? I don't know what company my mom gets insurance through but her insurance would go up four hundred and thirty dollars because of my sister's driving record, but the lady said I HAD to be on someones insurance right after I get my license. But I called the local DMV and they said that I don't have to be on someones insurance if I get my license. The car just has to be insured. Who do I believe? Because I heard that sometimes insurance companies try to milk you for money... Who do I believe? Can someone give me a real LEGAL answer?""

Full coverage Insurance question ?

Would I be covered if my fiance puts me on his full coverage insurance? I just sold my car so I will be driving his until I get my new one. I canceled my insurance. So I need to know if I need to have my own insurance, or if I will be covered by him just putting me on his. Thanks guys.""

Is it worth having private medical insurance if your in your 30s and healthy?

Is it worth having private medical insurance if your in your 30s and healthy?

How much would a private insurance agent make in Connecticut?

As in selling every company's insurance and working from home.

How does the insurance company know what Annual Mileage I am actually doing?

I bought a car last Sunday from a private seller, but was not able to drive it home because of no insurance. The person kindly offered to keep the car in his garage till I get an insurance cover. Today I went to pickup my car, but that guy was not there, his friend was there to hand me the keys and drive back home. When I test drove the car it was 87k miles exact, now today when I collected it, it went upto 87,806 miles, +806 miles extra. The seller is not answering my calls, the only thing worrying me is that I quoted my Annual Mileage up 6000miles, but already my car raked up 806 miles in one week. Please help, and don't abuse coz I am already down being cheated? Why bad things happen with do-gooder?""

Why do people think that mandating car insurance is the same as mandating health insurance?

I could choose not to drive. Also even the democratic legal think tank advisers have said there is no legal precedent for mandating the purchase of health insurance from a private company. If they don't have single payer or even a public option it may not hold up in the supreme court.

How quick is an auto insurance company to drop you?

I have had 3 claims in 4 years, however, only 1 claim with my current insurance company. None of the three claims were huge...one wasn't even my fault, I was the victim of a hit and run. Anyway...How does getting dropped work? How frequently do you have to wreck, how many wrecks give you a high wreck average ?? As a side note...i've never received traffic ticket, so I'm clean in that area...""

What are some cheap cars to insure for an 18 Year old?

What are some cheap cars to insure for an 18 Year old? I am learning to drive at the moment but I want to know what some cheap cars are to insure?

Bike insurance on a r6 in the uk?

ok so at the minute im banned 23years of age my ban is up next year so will be 24 when im looking to get insured im not even going to atemp to drive a car i know it will be to dear but have rode bikes my hole life so a big bike head would love to be leagul on a r6/zx6r 600cc sports bike does anybody know what it would cost me for a year for insurance serious answers please no idiots thanks

Redlight violation?! Any way to lower the $381 fine and not raise insurance?

Help! This Saturday, I was in Fremont to pick up someone at the Bart station. I was on Mission and Mohave going straight towards the entrance to 880 when the light turned yellow. I started to stop but I felt that if I kept stopping I'd end up in the middle of the intersection so I pressed gas again and went through. I thought I made it on the yellow, but I saw the huge flash meaning the lovely camera took a picture of me. ): The fine is $381 according to http://www.fremontpolice.org/redlight/redlight.html plus a higher insurance, right? I'm freaking out. I'm a 17 year old high school student (I've had my license for over a year already) at a private Catholic school, straight A's in all my classes, super clean record, and I've never gotten a ticket before! I know I have to go to court but is there any way that the fine will be lowered and my insurance won't go up? If I go to traffic school will it be cheaper and keep my insurance down? Help please!""

Can insurance companies renew car insurance without owner`s permission?

My friend has just had a letter from her old car insurance company, saying they have set up a direct debit for monthly car insurance. However, she has recently changed car insurance companies, and has not instructed the old company to set up these direct debits. Is this legal?!""

Question about car insurance.?

So I have a question, If I use my fathers car would he have to register his insurance on my name also? Or will it not matter since the cars registered in his name? Just in case anything happened. Just wondering.""

Which car's owner will pay more for car insurance?

Car insurance costs more for cars that can accelerate faster than 10 mph per second. Which car's owner will pay more for car insurance? A. A car that accelerates from 0 to 50 mph in 4.5 seconds. B. A car that accelerates from 0 to 40 mph in 5 seconds. C. A car that accelerates from 0 to 70 mph in 9 seconds. D. A car that accelerates from 0 to 70 mph in 8.5 seconds.

Can i cancel my car insurance due to changes made in their policy that has skyrocketed my insurance rate?

Just got a package from my insurance company of my new payment schedule for the next 12 mths. Somebody please tell me why i went from paying $249 to $360 a month for car insurance? Sounds absurd ! There is no way in hell im paying for that . . . my questions is, if this is in fact true, can i drop my insurance company at any point in time because the price went up WAY TOO HIGH (i will no longer be able to afford) ? PLEASE HELP!!!!""

Do you have to have car insurance?

like the car has liabilty, but i will soon get my liscense and i am wondering if it is required by law for me personally to have insurance.""

I started requesting an online CAR INSURANCE quote from PROGRESSIVE.COM....but?

They want to collect personal information from consumer reporting agencies, such as driving record, claims, and credit history reports. Is it safe for me to fill out the online form and give Progressive.com (Progressive Direct) the OK it needs in order to collect this information to give me a quote, or is this a possible Phishing expedition that I might regret later on? Thanks""

How much will insurance cost? (teen driver)?

im 16 and im getting my license in a week or so and i was wondering how much will the insurance cost? im going to be driving a 2003 corolla and my parents have state farm. any help? thanks!

Florida car insurance hike?

I used to have Florida auto insurance about 6 months ago. Since then I moved but wanted to return to FL. Recent inquiry for an auto quote I notice the premium has increased doubled in FL. When did this happen? And what actually happened? Just curious. Thanks.

Insurance in Queens?

I live in Queens, New York (I'm 27). I have a Toyota Camry 1997. I only have liability insurance but for some reason I pay ridiculous insurance - I pay around $330 a month (have ...show more""

Insurance coverage with DUI involved?

My father recently crashed his car into a van after consuming over the legal limit of alcohol (well over knowing him), and is concerned whether Progressive insurance will cover vehicle damages for him and the other driver. Also notable is that his car is pretty much totaled, I think, and he does have some previous blemishes on his driving record and the car is leased. If someone with some knowledge on these matters would help and give me an idea of what insurance will and will not cover could help it would be much appreciated.""

Pregnant with no insurance?

I recently moved and I no longer have health insurance. I am 33 weeks pregnant. I do not qualify for Medicaid. are there any other inexpensive options? I am currently working part time but I won't be working for much longer.

Why is it that insurance rates are so high in the state of New Jersey?

The insurance rates in New Jersey are higher than any rates in the entire United States. I demand an answer to this outrage! It makes no sense that in California you can pay like $140 for the whole -year- to insure a car, while in NJ you pay like $140 every month.""

How much will it cost to insure a 2007 acura mdx?

I am 53 and I have been driving for 15 years I live in philadelphia

""Hit by a car, license suspended in California, will the insurance cover the damage? will i get in trouble?

I was driving then the traffic lights turned red so i stopped. few second later i heard a loud breaking sound and 2 seconds later a car hit me. the problem is that my car is under my ...show more

What is a good health insurance?

I want to get insurance for me and my husband. I need an insurance that offer health dental and vision benefits. I have seen alot of insurances, but i want an insurance that gives me good benefits, not just discounts. Can someone please give me opinions about your insurance and what benefits they provide you?""

Can I get a life and health insurance license in GA with a misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct?

can anyone find the link that explains the rules for persons with convictions when attempting to obtain a life and health insurance license? I used to have a license, but let it lapse during my divorce. It seems like I remember something about misdemeanors on the application. Thanks.""

Health insurance and ma.health?

If you are 19 and have coverage under your fathers insurance . You have no job or income and Living with grandparent because of health issues Can you still have Ma. Health to help cover medication and co-payments for doctors? Applied once and told no because they have coverage under the fathers insurance. Has applied for disability because of the medical illness. Do not know of any other insurance to help with costs.

Shall I buy Loss Damage Waiver (LDW) at car rental?

I have car insurance for my Honda compact car via Geico. I need to rent a car at an airport for a small vacation. When I rent the car from Hertz or Enterprise or Dollar, shall I buy the Loss Damage Waiver (LDW), which is about $10/day ? I already have insurance on my car and the insurance company said that my existing Geico coverage will be transferred to the rental car. So it really so? Just wanted peace in mind and I do not want to spend unnecessary price either. Could you please comment? Thanks a lot.""

""Car insurance for a person, not a car?""

haha if that makes any sense. my friend was telling me about how her friend is insured as a person...so she can drive say her moms car, her friends car, and her boyfriends car. she doesn't have a car of her own so she got insurance to drive other peoples cars? can you do that? if so, what company offers that sort of coverage? thanks""

How much does insurance cost for a chimney sweep business?

I am starting a chimney sweep company and I was wondering what is an average cost to have insurance for the business (bonus points if you can say all of the types of insurance I might need) I know the standard answer is to say there is no way of knowing since this all depends on a number of factors but I literally have no clue what it would cost so ANY estimate or guess is appreciated. The business will be in Maryland and have just 1 employee with revenue I am guessing would be about 60,000 a year if that helps.""

Insurance Premium Increase?

I got into a car accident last month..i hit a BMW that caused it to bump into a Mercedes in the accident. (The accident was on the highway) The Mercedes just has a scratch on the back bumper, and I'm pretty sure the BMW needs to replace the back bumper i hit, and probably some scratches in the front... does anyone know about how much this will all cost for repairs? And does anyone know how high my insurance premium will go up? I'm 18 years old living in CA, with Mercury Insurance.""

I often drive a friend's car. What companies offer Non-car owner auto insurance?

Everywhere i look online just offer get a quote then you have to enter a type of car. I don't own a car but I need insurance to take my driver's test in North Carolina. I couldn't find this type of insurance offered on any websites.

""How much would the cost of a 2003 lincoln ls front bumper be, and where can I find a bumper?

2003 silver Lincoln LS. Only reliability insurance on the car.

18 and on my parents insurance?

My mum is on my dads insurance and she is going to take out her own insurance and put me as a named driver while staying on my dads insurance. The quotes were all over 2,000 for me to go as a named driver. It was 2,100 for me to go on my own insurance anyway. You know any way I can get it down to around 1500? A different car or something. We tried a vauxhall corsa and a ford fiesta 1L all over 2,000 Thanks""

Can i insure 2 cars by 2 different insurance companies?

i already have car insurance with my first car but i have just bought another. to insure it on my current insurance is expensive. iv looked at other insurance companies and its cheaper to insure with them. Am i allowed to have a different insurance company for each car?

Will filing a claim for broken car window raise my insurance payments?

I woke up to a broken driver side window this morning and the first thing i do is call my insurance to ask if its covered. My insurance said it would cost 350 bucks to fix it and i have a 500 deductable so i gta pay out of pocket anyway. He scheduled an appointment for me to get it fixed at a local shop. Is this claim going to affect my rates?

Any 17 year olds just got car insurance? (UK)?

Hi, I was wondering if anybody aged 17 has got car insurance recently and would be able to tell me how much they paid. I've been told 3k-4k but when I look on the internet most people are saying 800-2k even if you haven't just got insurance which of the two price ranges is more likely for me? I live in an area where car theft is low and I can keep the car in a garage. I'm a 17 year old male.""

Motorcycle Insurance!?!?

Im so confused right now. In the past 2 months i have been doing my homework on buying a new 2011 CBR600RR. I have been quoting progressive which is who i have my car insurance with. I have been getting around 150$ a month for full coverage. I was about to buy the bike today and whenever i quoted the insurance it was around 230$. I thought i had made a mistake but everything was the same... what the heck happend?

Cheap car insurance for 17 year old?

Hi, I have just passed my driving test and need to insure my car. When I had a provisional licence, my insurance was 550 a year, but now the cheapest I can find is 1850 a year now I have passed! The insurance company I was with only covers learners. Anyone know where I can get cheap insurance? I have tried all the comparison sites. Should my dad insure it and put me on as a driver? Thank you.""

What are rates for car insurance?

I'm trying to answer a question for drivers ed about car insurance. I'm supposed to answer what rates are for a first time driver (just getting their liscence), what rates would be for someone who hasnt taken driver's ed, what are the rates for a 25 year old, what are rates for a person without drivers ed, and what are rates for someone convicted of driving while intoxicated. its not in my book, so i dont know how to answer it, but im trying to answer the questions based on full coverage.""

Car Insurance Question?

I live in Los Angeles and I am leaving the country for 6 month. Can I stop insurance of my car as no one will drive it? In case of theft how can I get it covered? Would the house insurance work in that case?

Why is it illegal to drive without car insurance?

I have heard rumors that it is illegal to drive without car insurance; first of all, is this true? Secondly, if this is so, why? Many individual American motorists experience between 0-2 minor accidents in their lifetime, some of which are very minor (where both cars still run fine and there's just a bump or so). Any information would be useful.""

What happens to your insurance rates if your car is stolen?

What happens to your insurance rates if your car is stolen?

""Your credit rating can affect how much you pay for renters insurance,if so explain thoroughly.?""

Your credit rating can affect how much you pay for renters insurance,if so explain thoroughly.?""

Do you have affordable car insurance in Tennessee?

Do you get a good deal on insurance? Where do you have yours?

Health and life insurance?

im needing to look into health and lfie insurance for myself, and was wondering where to start? What is everyone using? i need something reasonable and something where i dont get the run around with!! Any help appreciated!""

Car insurance for a 16 year old?

I am getting my g2 (I'm in Ontario) soon, and would like to purchase my own car. I can go through my parents insurance, but I couldn't be a secondary driver as there would be 3 cars in the house. Could I put it under my grandfathers name and be a secondary driver? Or just get insurance by myself? How much should I expect to pay? I have done drivers ed if that helps. Thanks !""

How can I lower my insurance rates at 19?

So I'm 19 and my insurance is about 100 a month and i pay 400(really its 300 but I pay 400 so I can finish faster) flat a month for a 2012 Chrysler 200 but initially at 18 I wanted a challenger, but my insurance rate was going to be more than my car payment, so here I am at 19 almost 20 in a few months and am wanting to try my luck again at getting a challenger(my dream car) but just want to know if theirs anything I can do to lower my rate for a sports car, I've built a substantial amount of credit I earn 30,000 a yr and have never wrecked is their anything else I can do? P.S I work hard and am a college student and in no way have received help from anyone to get what I want, I just work hard and want my dream car and feel like I can manage it but the insurance is killing me.""

How much will it cost to insure a 2007 acura mdx?

I am 53 and I have been driving for 15 years I live in philadelphia

Is there anyway to lower insurance rates after a traffic violation is on file?

Is there anyway to lower insurance rates after a traffic violation is on file?

How long until my insurance drops back down after you have an accident?

How long does it take for it to go back down to where it was before you had the accident?

What happens if you forget to update your car insurance when you buy a car?

-bought car to replace totaled one a few months ago. -got letter a few months ago saying i needed to prove i had car insurance so i just mailed in my car ins info not realizing i hadn't updated it (the new car is the exact same as the old, year and mod""

Why does health insurance not Cover dental work?

health insurance dental work

Why are teens against high auto insurance?

Why are teens against high auto insurance?

What car insurance do you have?

Im trying to find one that's cheaper I recently have 21st Century. What's the name of your car insurance and do you like it?

Will women protest being forced to pay LESS for life and auto insurance than men?

No? I didn't think so.

Can i collect disability insurance?

Can i collect disability insurance? i was shot when i was 18 in the ankle and the bullit is stuck between the bone in my ankle. i have worked for a company for 10 years and quit my job two years ago to start my own business. but now as im getting older i can't stand on my leg without experiencing pain or climb up and down things like i used too can i collect disability insurance?

How do I advertise to people in California qualified to buy car insurance?

For the best insurance coverage all you need is a fax machine and a genuine need and intention to buy auto insurance now.

Is it cheaper insurance for you to be a named driver if your parent owns the car?

Im 17, a boy and i want cheap car insurance, is that a better way to get it?""

How much for car insurance for a 17 year old?

I saved up and bought a 1995 Acura Integra ls 4 door from my cousin. And My parent's have state farm. I was wondering how much the car insurance would be for the down payment and monthly. Please and Thank you!

HELP with car insurance for 17 year old?

I am trying to find cheap car insurance for a 17 year old :/ its proving hard and cheapest quote so far is 3500 with my mother as named driver. does anyone know any companys that specialise in young drivers insurance or ways to reduce it?

Insurance question?

I just bought a 2008 Honda Accord, exl, 4 cyl. I can't even drive it because I dont have insurance, what is the cheapest (most affordable insurance) I should get, i am 20 years old living in ontario california.""

Can i get a license without insurance.?

OK. I've got a lot of questions to ask. i'm 16, i live in North Carolina and i'm going to go get my license in about a week and a half. I was wondering do i need liability on myself or what because right now all i want is my license to drive my parents car and stuff, so would i need insurance for that? And also what kind of insurance and what would be the cheapest way to go. And when i check on the DMV website its unclear on what insurance and what they would accept and not accept. PLease help im extremely confused.""

Can I get car insurance at 15 years old?

I am 15 & bought a classic car with my dad. Can I insure it in my name and build up two years no claims bonus while we restore it?

What type of bike have the cheapest insurance?

Obviously a Harleys insurance is going to be huge, but what would be cheaper a 125cc supermoto, a 125cc naked bike or a 125cc sports bike? Also what make of bike would be cheapest like yamaha or Suzuki, but none of the Chinese crap""

Health Insurance Company in Ohio?

Affordable Health Insurance Company in Ohio

Auto Insurance Experts: How much will I be penalized for lapsed insurance due to non-payment (I'm unemployed)?

I have been without insurance for nearly a month now. I have been unemployed for 5 months, but I will start a new job next week! Yay! Since I will start working soon, I will be able to afford to pay again. My car will also be paid off next month. I plan to go with a new company. (I do not have loyalty to the current company.) I used to have a well-known national company for years. When I first lapsed six months ago, my long-time company DOUBLED my monthly premium. I went for a low-budget, local company. Will the new company force me to pay for the time I did not have insurance? Or will I face a penalty? Will they charge me a higher rate? **Believe me, I know that I am taking a terrible risk driving around without insurance. I know that it is illegal...but I have been unemployed for 5 months, and have used the little money I had to pay rent, utilities, my car, groceries for me and 3 kids. I just had no other choice... I just want to be prepared for fees, higher rates, penalties, etc. Can you please give me some advice and suggestions on how to get myself back on track? Thanks.""

How much do 22 year olds pay for car insurance?

How much do 22 year olds pay for car insurance?

""Friend hit my car, wont give his insurance information, what to do?""

Two years ago, I was sitting in a parking space waiting for my friend. He pulled in on the left side, and his right front fender crashed into my rear left quarter panel, causing some ugly damage. Long story short, I didn't get his insurance information. He said he would give it to me later. It has been two years, and the past few weeks I've really gotten on his case to get the information or for him to fix the damage. It has been excuse after excuse, and he now wont answer phone calls. I can get his license number, name and address, so I'm wondering if I need to call my insurance company or the police to get this fixed. I don't need friends like this but I'm wondering if the statute of limitations in california has run out, or if I won't have any luck calling the police. I just want the car fixed, and the damage is estimated at 500 dollars. Any ideas?""

Do anyone know how much is 15% on your insurance?

When you take the practice Driving test how much percent you get off ...and . I'm 22 by the way an also do Anyone know where a nice driving course to. Take that's affordable an worth it?

Home building insurance?

i had tenants in my house, while i was living with my sister, i did take out a building insurance, and last week my house got burned to ashes, it has no roof neither, so i phoned the insurance company which was halifax,to my shock they declined the insurance,as i didn't have landlord insurance, they said. when i took out the policy i did say to them that i wanted landlord building insurance, the woman at the branch assured me, how ever when i looked at my paper now it does say, i have building and contents insurance,i never asked for that, just wanted a simple landlords insurance, i have 40 thousand pounds worth of damage and really stressed don't now what to do, can anybody please give me some advice i would appreciate it very much

Can a 17year old get kit car insurance?

I'm 17 and thinking of getting an old mini and doing it up, I'm not sure if I can get kit car insurance, I have no points on my licence and if I could get one does anyone know how much it will be? Thanks:)""

Where can i get really cheap braces in California?

I need braces, I do have insurance I am a teen we cant really afford them. I would probably need a year to two in a half years with them. Thank u""

Which make and model of car/SUV is the cheapest on auto insurance?

I need a new car, but I don't want to pay a lot for auto insurance. Right now I have a Cavalier (hate it, by the way) and because it is a Z24 it raised the insurance premium. I just wondered if there are certain makes of cars that are usually cheaper on auto insurance. Anyone know?""

How much will it cost to insure a 2007 acura mdx?

I am 53 and I have been driving for 15 years I live in philadelphia

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