#ive been reading this essay a LOT over the past few months

[dykeiero]

hanif abdurraqib on the black parade

[djservo]

crashes in in a fashionably late kind of way.. january is finally over!! 31 days felt like 300 but now that we’re on the other side of it, what books did you read to start 2024? what was the vibe any standouts has it changed what’s on the horizon?

I've started keeping a physical calendar again so you'd think having the month splayed out in front of me so directly and constantly would be grounding but week after week I was just like Omg how is there More.... we made it thru tho god bless xx January was fun!!

in terms of my pre-planned monthly reading themes, January was a grace period where I let my whims guide me so I'm surprised at how many themes incidentally overlapped?? Naomi Klein referencing The Fire Next Time, the theme of internet doubles and online dark corners in Doppelganger essentially being the core of The Sluts, the dark spiraling mystery of The Sluts akin to the dark spiraling mystery of Mysterious Skin, yada yada yada. I luv when the dots inadvertently connect!! right place right time vibe!!

The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin

it's been really nice starting my reading off with Baldwin these past few years, something grounding about immersing myself in sharp indictments of the US amidst the usual new year wide-eyed blitheness. this one was only 2 essays but both gripped me just as much as his longer collections. I imagine it's hard to sort of reframe arguments, pleas, and points you've been talking about for years when things still haven't changed, but each new (to me) Baldwin essay reads so fresh in the way that he contextualizes these core points within different interactions + relationships. I think Ive said this before but it's also so rewarding to read an author's works chronologically because you can kind of follow how their frame of mind sharpens/adapts throughout the years and in a way you grow with them, and his first essay (a letter to his nephew) kinda feels like the culmination of that growth laid out with such care. super special

Doppelganger by Naomi Klein

totallyyyyyy consumed + dizzied by this wow I can't believe it took me this long to read Naomi Klein. I think I'd been intimidated by the size of her books + my incorrect assumption that something so research-heavy (bc boy does she research!) will read too dense, but everything here was laid out and tied together so smoothly + accessibly (I feel like I use that word a lot for nonfiction which is probably my subconscious quest to entice ppl to read more nonfiction hehe) This read like partial investigative deep dive into the online world of conspiracy theories/Qanon cesspools + partial mystery novel about her own experience with Naomi Wolf (her 'doppelganger')?? idk it feels weird to relate someone's lived experience to a spectacle like that but it really was like edge of seat level curiosity/uncertainty/etc. just so engrossing and thorough and THRILLING, the epilogue made me gasp!!!

Leslie F*cking Jones by Leslie Jones

my one + only spotify audiobook experience, cut short amid the last chapter bc I ran out of hours and no longer am a spotify premium user so I just read the rest </3 but that turned out to be fun bc I saw what a stark difference it was to listen vs. read this. the audio rules bc Leslie totally goes off script to add anecdotes (one of the reviews was like 'she was NOT reading what was written!!' LMAO so true.. and I love her for that!!) + an emotional depth I don't think could've been sufficiently captured in written form - her laughter and her palpable anger and her literally crying over... such a robust journey! I was an SNL fan basically my whole life til I went to college so I always love stories about it and I really admire how she didn't hold back in her criticisms. I feel like former members (especially those somewhat fresh off the slab in a way) feel like they have to be eternally grateful to their experience when so much of it is so clearly draining and thankless. doubled expectations because she's a woman, tripled because she's a Black woman, and therefore expected to just bend over and take it (her words) but she never does!! she never tries to compromise her own experiences like "this happened... but at least this happened too and they actually were nice in this way-" NO!! she compartmentalizes the good and the bad so distinctly so there's no misunderstanding, and I just really really admire that, the lack of kissing ass in an industry where that's practically what fuels your career/reputation!! she rocks + is such a funny storyteller+ I'm so glad I listened to this

The Sluts by Dennis Cooper

ofc had to squeeze my old man in... I think this was actually the book to first put Cooper on my radar so it was super fulfilling to finally get to it (even tho I devoured it in just 2 days.. a shame bc it was a slay to read this in public) Supremely up my alley with its 2000s internet mystique, the perfect backdrop for a twisted mystery + ruminations of Internet As Performance Art™, the internet as roleplay, what's real + what's just fantasy/fetish, etc etc. so so so good and while still sick and horrifying as his writing is known for, perhaps the most readable for an uninitiated reader of Cooper's works?? even then I'd say this is still for a very particular reader tho idk i can never get a pulse on what a majority of readers are into these days!! I really loved this though and I'm sure it'll be in my top 5 for the year thank u once again for the twisted ride denny !!!

My People Shall Live by Leila Khaled, George Hajjar

feels more like political ethnography than personal memoir. there is some of Leila's backstory and family and personal relationships sprinkled in (her husband is given maybe 5 lines total LOL), but so much of her being is clearly centered around Palestinian resistance + revolution, so recounting her political work within a collective was her truest form of autobiography as that was indeed her life/livelihood. wild to read how intense she was even from childhood, how Down she was to sacrifice things and put herself on the line... literally getting plastic surgery after hijacking a plane in order to be able to get involved in more demonstrations without being recognized like god!!! intense life-altering decisions and it's like she doesn't even bat an eye or show any regrets/wistful 'what if i hard a 'normal' life?'!! that eric andre margaret thatcher meme but instead "do you think leila khaled effectively utilized girl power by hijacking a plane?'' LOL I mean... ! 🤭

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

SILLY + ABSURD!!! a bit of a hike to get there but once I hit it, it was hard to put this down (as is my experience with a lot of classics, I find) I think I really enjoy magical realism rooted in political/cultural landscapes, or maybe I just really like wacky shit (it made me think a bit of Catch-22 which I also had fun with!!) + this didn't disappoint!! truly giggled aloud at some parts, the ridiculousness of it all!!! makes me wanna deep dive into the history of the Soviet Union but I feel like I'll need to clear at least an entire month for that .... will have to plan accordingly 👩‍🔬

Mysterious Skin by Scott Heim

heartbreaking and dark but handled with a lot of care. I guessed the "twist" (which feels indelicate to call it that but I cant think of another word rn) early on but I think that just heightened the slow unraveling of it + made it that much more emotionally grueling to get thru. perhaps that was even the point! I'd been meaning to watch the movie for like over a decade at this point but wanted to read it first so now having read and watched it I'm glad it was now vs. me at 10 or whenever bc dumb tween me likely wouldn't have processed it well enough and the darkness would've overshadowed the journey itself. sometimes it's important to wait I guess is what I'm trying to say!!!

I definitely want to squeeze in another Naomi Klein this year if possible, maybe some Russian/Ukrainian lit. I've focused on Baldwin's nonfiction these past years so I might pick up a fiction of his this month + ofc Cooper wherever I can squeeze him <3

[chonnysinferno]

i am So bored so i guess i will expose myself as “not a cjshipper but not NOT a cjshipper tbh” anyway i will send you more music

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYLhuXt4HrRFeV7wSFL-1LRMtj5353pq&si=xH73KXa9wHS_C4Yu KIJETESUMIKYOKU MY BELOVED

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYLhuXt4HrRIt7XTnyygXomDqlW3xPFK&si=GUDQMCzy0apcWb5d ryuupekosi also my beloved!!!!!!

what was i saying oh right GO LISTEN TO JAN USAWI’S MUSIC RN AND GO TO BANDCAMP AND LISTEN TO ALL OF TOKI GAMING RIGHT NOW AND ALSO 8 (LUKA TU WAN)

https://youtu.be/-ILcH66zGcY this also

i can’t think of anything else i’ve been listening to lately besides maybe jreg and that would give you another thing to put on your dni, centricide fans /this is a JOKE

random song that i usually don’t listen to things in the type of: https://youtu.be/6xr_nVyNMMY

frums is based and other such good qualities: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_mu9g_dVsgBz6d8vuWCsyPai59U8XeD8BM&si=buAGe2-pHnKEKm-E

while we r here go listen to dead but dreaming and sisyphus by vivivivivi (5 vi’s)

strobe light: https://youtu.be/7sKs7INaEoA?si=OTjLWaQx5CHtJ3Ws

finally, kulupu jan tenpo: https://youtu.be/fWHZz7ZCXqw?si=43agffZaBd0QvuSr

(i sent you the playlists to all of the songs in kijetesumikyoku n ryuupekosi but they r medleys by jan Misali so, also jan Misali’s other covers and stuff are good and i like their video essays)

(i was about to say like “i could send you ilo tenpo pi sin ala aka time machine reprise in toki pona” but i might as well just do it so: https://youtu.be/gl3W8-IwETc)

(i would send you anachronism but i have looked into myself and found the answer that that would be unnecessary self promotion so letter which has no negative or positive connotations + have a good day + i can send you a post with resources on toki pona + don’t die and other such)

on the cj shipper thing i do not really care to be honest if youre not weird about it / mention it and such its just a personal ick and i dont associate oyu with cj shipping anyways so i wouldnt have known i thought it was you as i dont rememrb anyone else who was associated with toki pona i wasnt going to reac h out to you tho becasue i dont rememebr your user + uhuhuhuuhuhuhuh yea! i cannot interact with other users without lookign like a freak i have negative feelings about you from something but i do not remember what! so i think that is probably in the past anyways onto the music tthese are not usually my genre of music but they are calming adn soothing and i like that the miku one is more up my alley because i am a vocaloid fan but on the side of faster paced music mostly because i cannot listen to slower music without getting bored the music is still good though and there is a lot of it and i will try to listen to it all in the span of a few months. or days ull never know i think this was obvious by the fact i enjoy artists like chonny jash , will wood , and other thingfs in that category (although i understand that their music has variety i enjoy songs like uhhh TME TSE THA rather than say NMTK and SaaST or. CCCC over CiD,, hm ill just link some things under the keep reading as a sample of music taste to not make this post any longer thjan it already is 😭😭😭 *) (edit : nvm theres not even a keep reading itll just be there ig) i think i have listened to vivivivivi's & lamp's music before!!!! i have enjoyed both so far but vivivivivi's more somehwat because of the pixel esque style of music (whihc might not be true for all of the songs they produxce but i am not a huge fan i am a norma;l enjoyer. somewhat) lamp i know is swomewhat in the calming / slow music section ^_^ alos not a huge fan because ive only listened to like one or two songs sooo i do not know toki pona which i think makes up a lotof this post / ask so it would bne great if oyu did send me a post about toki pona 👍 overall summary : music not my usual taste, does not mean they are bad, they are awesome anywasys, will try to listen to all of it when i can also self promotion is okay gimme em have a good day also and also do not die because that would be horrible o7 edit 2 : nvm we jammin edit 3 : you shouldve shared the vocaloid related ones with me first i wouldve been so hooked these are so good

* i do not have a playlist for these so bear withj me

most / all of everything is a lot also SELF-iSH i prefer those over uhhh icimi (in case i make it) and TNA (the normal album) i m not sure what else to put here. throws these at you (you dont have to listen to these btw)

[cutemeat]

What up I haven't watched any sunny for like 3 months so my mind is a perfectly smooth blank slate - what seasons/eps are you poking around at most rn, I'll go watch them too :)

!!!! OOO yes ok i have a few eps ive been specifically fixated on esp since s15 came out...

i have been dissecting "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award" and "Gets Quarantined" because they really reflect the writing of season 15 and I think its probs intentional.. mostly the way the gang describes 'playing the game' in the Award ep with the bright lights, fun colors, and funny banter... reflects the visual/surface-level aesthetics and writing of s15 and the subtext of Gets Quarantined (I wrote up an essay on this but forgot to post it so hopefully ill get around to that soon LOL) is very useful when reading s15! so I've been rlly into those eps ... I ESP RECCOMEND COMPARING THE ENDINGS OF "GETS QUARANTINED" AND THE S15 FINALE IF U WANT.. the whole thing abt 'creating a visual harmony' and how the gang does exactly that w audio/visuals at the end of Gets Quarantined and how they Very Much Do Not attain harmony at the end of s15 despite the framing making it seem that way at first glance is just so... so good. mwah.

but also s3 as a whole i have been rlly into the past few months! it's just so great cuz I think s3 perfectly captures most of who these characters are at their core, obv not EXACTLY cuz they were always hiding shit but its so so close... esp when u watch s3 then jump to like s15 u can see so clearly the kind of ppl they're PRETENDING to be in later seasons compared to who they really are in earlier seasons... but also how frank is basically the opposite cuz while the younger half of the gang builds up their facades over the years, frank's facade fades away!!!

and ive also been rlly diving into s13 lately... like oh my god there's so much to that season that I feel like I never see anyone rlly talk abt?? like.. i think its just a time thing. like an episode from season 7 is gonna be a lot more beloved than an ep from s13 by default I think cuz we've just had more Time with it... but man s13 has some rlly good depth in a lot of places. also I just have a good tolerance for 'bad writing' ig so I don't care </3

and lastly ive been obsessed with 'Mops Twice' !!! I've been trying to rlly get a good reading done on that ep... currently, I'm rlly fixated on the ep's use of the color red and esp how its used on the lips of both female characters?? wondering if its sort of a play on the concept of a 'red herring' esp since the color red was used in that kind of way in The Sixth Sense which mac n charlie make a big deal over in s5... idk I just feel like that's another instance where newer seasons don't get as deep analysis but there's a lot there to pick apart!! (my main theory is charlie is an extremely unreliable narrator who makes himself out to be the underdog/hero/victim in a similar fashion to how the narrative of Fight Club can be read... n he makes everyone else out to be the villains in very stereotypical ways complimenting noir tropes.. like deetress being the sorta femme fatales.. macdennis being queercoded villains... idk there's just a lot LOL)

TL;DR... "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award" & "Gets Quarantined" from S9, Seasons 3 & 13, and "Mops Twice" from S14 have been my main focuses as of late!

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part x

part i part ii part iii part iv part v part vi part vii part viii part ix

And we’ve finally come to the end of Cass and Mat’s story! I want to thank every person who’s read this over the past few months, especially those of you who have reblogged, commented, and shared this with your friends. Your feedback means the world to me, and please tell me what you think of this final part! I’ve also got some ideas floating around for an epilogue, so don’t be surprised if that pops up in the next few weeks.

part x

May 21 (fri)

For once, it wasn’t Cass’ alarm that woke her up. Her internal clock didn’t let her sleep in past 6, but as she lay in her bed, comforter pulled up to her chin and curls up in a haphazard messy bun, a realization struck her. She didn’t have anything to do, and that was just about as far from normal for her as possible. Normally, she’d be hopping in the shower at this time, getting out and shoveling some cereal down her throat before running to catch the train, or desperately trying to finish some last-minute reading before an early lecture. Her grandparents’ flight didn’t land at JFK until 1, and she wouldn’t need to leave until an hour before that to get Mat and drive to the airport. 

Padding out to the kitchen, she just caught Ryanne, who was about to leave for a clinical rotation. “What department are you in this month?” Cass asked.

“OB/GYN,” Ryanne responded. “I got to observe a birth the other day, and it was one of my favorite things I’ve gotten to do so far. Obviously I don’t know for sure yet, but I think I might want to match into it. You get to do a little bit of everything — there’s some surgery, some routine care, some deliveries. And with the Black maternal health crisis, I figure we need all the Black OBs we can get as a country.” 

Cass smiled. “That’s wonderful, I’m glad to hear.” She knew that Ryanne had been a little stressed out with the prospect of trying to pick a residency; she hadn’t felt drawn to any of the other rotations she’d gone through quite like this one. 

“What about you? What’s your schedule like today?” Ryanne asked as she poured coffee into her travel mug. 

Cass flopped down on the couch, looking over at her. “It’s just...I have nothing to do. Nothing needs to get done. No cases to read, no essays to finish, no paperwork to file or anything. Chris gave me this week off for finals anyways, so I couldn’t even go into the office if I wanted to because there’s just nothing for me to do. Do you know how rare that is for me?”

Ryanne laughed. “Cass, I’m in med school. The last time I had a true ‘off day’ was two weeks ago, and even then I spent most of it studying.” She slung her backpack over one shoulder. “See you tonight, have a good day, babe!”

After some toast and a smoothie, Cass was back on the couch, trying desperately to think of something to do. She thrived on being busy, thrived on feeling like she was needed and contributing to something worthwhile. Pushing herself up, she walked back to her room, deciding to change and go out for a run. Cass liked to keep in shape and exercise as often as she could, even though it had been a few years since she had been on an organized sports team. She was usually able to make yoga classes at the school gym twice a week, but typically didn’t have the spare time in the mornings for a run. And by the time she got back it was almost always dark, way too late to even think about going out alone. 

Lacing up her tennis shoes and grabbing her AirPods and keys, she set out, down the stairs and past the door. As she jogged down the streets, making familiar turn after familiar turn, Cass realized something remarkably profound. Every place she passed had played a part in the last three years. St. Lucy’s, where she had stumbled in with inconsolable tears after her abuelo’s stroke, lighting a candle and praying with some old Italian woman for his recovery. The bodega on the corner run by Carlos Gonzalez, one of the first people she met when she moved to the city and the only one who knew how to smoosh her sandwiches down how she likes. The Edible Arrangements where she, Stella, and Ryanne had bought Alicia a congratulatory fruit bouquet for finally asking out her coworker Juliette. They had been dating for six months. The high school she passed every morning on her way to the subway station. These were the people and places that had made her life what it was, and she owed them her thanks. 

An hour and five miles later, Cass decided to call it quits, walking the last few blocks back to the apartment as a sort of cool-down. She jumped in the shower, throwing her hair up in a towel once she got out and resigning herself to watching whatever was on TV. Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives it was, apparently. Four episodes and one snack break later, it was time to get in the car to head over and pick up Mat. Cass drove down Manhattan Island, tapping her fingers in boredom as she hit yet more traffic. It was noon, why was there even traffic in the first place? She pulled into the visitor’s spot in the underground lot of Mat’s apartment complex, taking out her phone. Just got here! Mat popped out of the elevator a few minutes later, holding a bouquet of tulips. “Sorry I’m late, I was going back and forth between tulips and sunflowers for awhile, but I figured the pink was maybe a better choice? What do you think?” Cass started to laugh, and Mat looked offended. “What?”

“Babe, it’s so sweet that you want to impress my grandma, but have you thought about how the poor flowers will fare?”

His brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Cass adjusted her seatbelt, leaning over. “We’re going to be out for awhile. We’re not going straight back to their hotel. So…” she prompted.

“They’ll wilt.” Mat finished, his face falling. 

She covered his hand with her own. “Don’t worry. It’s a sweet gesture and I’m sure she’ll appreciate them. We’re all going out for dinner after the ceremony tomorrow, why don’t you bring them then?” 

He perked up. “I’ll run up and put them back in a vase, be back in a few!” Mat gave Cass a quick peck on her cheek, leaving her with just one question. Mat owned vases? He slid back into the passenger’s seat shortly after, clicking his seatbelt in and connecting his phone to the speakers. 

Cass rolled her eyes. “I don’t know a single guy your age who’s not obsessed with John Mayer. It’s kind of weird, honestly.”

“You don’t like him?” Mat asked curiously. Cass was usually into more guitar-based, acoustic stuff, so he figured she’d be into at least some of his stuff. 

“Some of it,” Cass responded, pulling out of the lot and onto the street. “Go ahead and play it, I don’t mind at all. Not what I’d usually put on if I’m alone, that’s all.”

Mat nodded, looking absentmindedly out the window. “So, what should I know about your grandparents?”

Cass’ face immediately burst into a smile at their mention. It was always so clear how much she loved her family, and that was one of Mat’s favorite things about her. How hard she loved. “Alright, so it’s Dolores and Roberto Cabrera. They’re wonderful people, I genuinely think you’re going to like them a lot. They’re both super fluent in English, so don’t worry about communication. They originally immigrated to Texas when they were in their teens, abuela was a housekeeper at a few hotels in San Antonio and abuelo worked in the fields for awhile before getting a job at a little hardware store in town, where he worked until they retired. My mom’s the middle of four, two older sisters and a younger brother.”Mat listened intently. “My abuelo’s a little more rough around the edges, so don’t be surprised if he gives you  a little bit of a hard time, but it’s not out of malice or anything. He’s always been very protective over us, my mom and her siblings, and now us three. He might do the whole ‘nobody’s good enough for my Cassidy” thing, but he’ll get over it. He means well.” 

She glanced over at Mat, who was looking decidedly nervous. “Seriously, chou, it’s going to be fine. Abuela’s totally different, they’re like polar opposites. I can almost guarantee that she’ll say something to the effect of ‘if my granddaughter loves you, I love you.’ Very much go with the flow, she’ll probably want to come over to your apartment and cook for you.” Her expression softened. “As long as you’re kind and respectful, they won’t have an issue with you, Mat. They’ll see that you treat me how I deserve to be treated and love me like I deserve to be loved.”

Cass pulled into the garage by the international arrivals terminal, cutting the gas and checking the time. “The flight was supposed to land at one, so they should be getting out of passport control by the time we get inside.” It was a little after one thirty, but if there was anything Cass knew, it was just how long customs could take at an airport as big as JFK. Even in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, and even though her grandparents were travelling on their American passports and could use the citizen’s line, she had heard that it could take upwards of an hour or two to get through. 

The concourse was pretty bare apart from a few kiosks selling “I ❤️ NY” shirts and a surprisingly busy Noah’s Bagels, so Mat and Cass made themselves comfortable on one of the rows of plastic chairs lining the room. The arrivals screen had marked their flight from Mexico City as having landed nearly an hour prior, so it was little surprise when Cass popped up from the chair, straightening her shirt and walking over to a couple that he could only assume were her grandparents. Mat quickly followed, catching up to her just as she threw her arms around her grandma. “Abuela, te extrañé,” she said, the sound muffled by Dolores’ scarf. She pulled back, kissing her grandpa on the cheek before stepping over to Mat, one hand placed reassuringly on his back. “Abuela, abuelo, this is Mat, my boyfriend.”

Mat stuck his hand out, shaking theirs. “Mr. and Mrs. Cabrera, it’s so amazing to finally meet you. Cass speaks so highly of you, and she always talks about her summers in Hermosillo.” 

Dolores pulled Mat in, embracing him from the start just as Cass had expected. “Mat, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. Cassidy has told us so much about you, it’s clear she loves you a great deal.”

Mat ducked his head and blushed. “I’m not sure if she can love me more than I love her, but I’m happy to be in such good company.” 

He took both of their suitcases as Cass gestured to the sliding doors. “I want to get back to the car before they charge me for another half hour,” she said. 

Mat slid the bags in the trunk of the car as Dolores got in the passenger’s seat. With a gulp, Mat realized that meant he had to sit next to Roberto. He had been perfectly nice on the walk over, but as Cass had warned him, it was clear that he was a little guarded. Whether that was just his personality or whether Mat had yet to earn his trust hadn’t been determined. 

Her grandparents had been to New York once or twice before, but it had almost always been just to fly in before driving up to visit Cass’ family in Connecticut; they had never really been able to see the city. Cass  felt strongly that that had to change, so she had arranged for a mini-tour of Manhattan before they got dropped off at their hotel for the night. “So, Mat,” Dolores said, turning around in her chair, “Cassidy tells us you’re a hockey player? That must be so exciting, how long have you been playing?”

Mat nodded. “Yes ma’am. I play for the Islanders, so we’re right here in Brooklyn, but I live over in Manhattan. I’ve been playing the sport since I was four or so? Really little. But I just finished my fourth season on the Islanders. And it is exciting, I love being with my team and being on the ice, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.” 

“That must keep you busy, though?” Roberto asked gruffly. 

Mat froze. He couldn’t lie and say that he was home all the time, able to be there for Cass as often as he’d like to, because he wasn’t. But if he let on just how often he was gone, would that make him even more wary? “Oftentimes, yes,” Mat began slowly. “The team’s usually on two or so road trips a month, they’re usually about a week long. But they’re balanced out with plenty of home games, and there’s lots of guys who balance the job with a family and other responsibilities. I’m always excited to be able to be back in New York, I love it here. And to be with Cass.” Roberto nodded, not seemingly totally satisfied but content enough to not push the issue further. 

“He’s really good about spending time with me, abuelo, even though we’ve both got busy schedules,” Cass added, catching Roberto’s eye in the rearview mirror. “We meet in the morning before a class to get coffee, or lunch in between studying if I’ve got time. I go to every game I’m able to when he’s playing here in the city, or over in Jersey. We spend plenty of time together, he doesn’t blow me off. You don’t have to worry.” He seemed much more at ease with his granddaughter’s response. 

It was a whirlwind three hours around New York, Cass playing chauffeur as they went to the top of the Empire State Building — her pick — in St. Patrick’s Cathedral  — her grandpa’s pick — and around Central Park, stopping at one of the many pretzel carts for a snack. They dropped them off at the hotel, Cass’ eyes getting misty as her grandma pulled out the serape stole from her purse. Her fingers danced over the colors, the stripes of red and blue and pink and green, and knowing that it was made by the hands of someone so important to her made it all the more beautiful. The rest of her family was driving in later that night, after Nick got out of school, so everyone wouldn’t be together until the graduation ceremony the next day. 

The couple decided to get takeout on the way back to Mat’s apartment, Mat jumping out of the car to run in and pick up the order while Cass circled the block until he was out. As they sat on the couch, cuddled into each other as they broke into the boxes of Chinese food, Cass thought absentmindedly that Mat handled his chopsticks way better than she ever would have given him credit for. Her grandparents had been on her mind. More specifically, her grandparents and Mat had been on her mind. It wasn’t that she thought he had messed up in any way — she was positive he’d absolutely won over her grandma and her grandpa was slowly but surely coming around — but some lingering concerns about what they might think about their relationship. “I’m not sure that they’d actually care, but when you talk to them tomorrow maybe don’t mention how often I sleep over here? They’re wonderful people, but they’re a little old school about this stuff.” 

“This stuff?” Mat asked curiously. 

“Living together, sex before marriage, that kind of stuff.” 

“And how do you feel about it?” 

Cass raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you think you could ever get me to do something I didn’t want to do? I’m way too stubborn for that.” Mat threw his head back, laughing. “But seriously. I don’t make the decision lightly, because commitment and intimacy in that way is something really big and important to me. You already knew that I don’t do hookups, it’s just not my thing. But I can see this, us, going places. I want us to go places. And I’ve never been very good at listening to people when I don’t want to. So I’ve made my peace that my choices might not be ones everyone would be thrilled with, but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as I have you.” 

Mat nodded, putting down his food to card one hand through her curls. “I get that, I do. Obviously that’s not so much the attitude with a lot of the boys, but your principles are part of what makes you who you are, and I love who you are. Every part of you.” Cass smiled against his neck, leaning down and kissing him on the shoulder. “I want us to go places too, I hope you know that.”

“Glad to hear.”

They ate without speaking for a few more minutes until Mat broke the silence. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” 

“With you,” Cass answered honestly. “Here, or we could get a nice brownstone over in Brooklyn.” 

“Somewhere with a yard,” Mat mused. 

“Yeah, a yard would be nice,” Cass agreed. “I’d like to get a dog, I’ve always grown up with dogs and it would be nice to have someone to keep me company when you’re gone.” Her family’s two dogs, Patches and Scout, were back at the house in Connecticut, and on more than one occasion, Cass had made the two-hour drive up just to see them. She paused, glancing down at her hands. “In five years? You’d better have put a ring on my finger by then, Mat. I’ll be almost thirty. Approaching old maid status” 

Mat laughed, an easy, breathy sort of laugh that somehow erased all of the tension in the room. “I think you should double-hyphen.” 

Cass looked at him doubtfully. “Cabrera-Shaw-Barzal? Yeah, I’m going to have to pass on that one.” 

He shrugged, the corner of his lip pulled up in a half-smile. “Just saying. It’s got a ring to it.”

“Have you given much thought to what you’d want to do with your name when you get married?” Mat asked curiously. It really didn’t matter much to him, since it would ultimately be Cass’ decision, but he didn’t want to assume anything regardless. And it didn’t escape Cass that he said when, as if it was certain, as if it was a given. The surety made her heart flutter. 

Cass shook her head. “Not particularly. On one hand, I do like the idea of the whole family having the same name. It seems nice. Unified. But I don’t want to feel like I’m erasing my culture and who I am just because I’m getting married. And all due respect, chou,” Cass poked Mat’s cheek, “but Cabrera Shaw’s the name on my degrees. Cassidy Barzal didn’t go to law school.”

“Very fair,” Mat said with a chuckle. 

Cass took a deep breath. If it seemed like they were having the “future talk,” she figured it was best to go all in. “Do you want kids?” she asked, tentatively, hesitantly. It was obvious that Mat was good with kids, she’d seen as much, but being good with kids and wanting children of your own were two very different things. Cass had wanted to be a mom since she knew what a mom was, and even though they probably should have brought up the topic earlier, she wasn’t sure what she’d do if he said no. Thank God, she never had to find out. 

“Definitely,” Mat said, nodding. “Not now, obviously, we’re young and haven’t really settled down yet. If you got pregnant we’d make it work, but I don’t think either of us is looking to be parents right away. But in a couple years, once we’re married and have a proper house with space...Yeah, I’d like to have kids.” He looked over at Cass. “What about you?”

“Always wanted kids,” Cass responded fondly. “I loved growing up with siblings, and I know my parents were the same way. Two or three, I think. I’ve thought about adoption too, but obviously that’s way in the future.”

Mat kissed the top of her head. “We’ve got time.”

 May 22 (sat)

 The graduation ceremony itself wasn’t until noon, so Cass had more than enough time to get ready after waking up at 7. Alicia barrelled into her room at exactly 7:22, throwing a shirt at her and telling her to get dressed. Cass stumbled out of the room ten minutes later, pulling on socks and grabbing her phone from the charger by her door. “What are you guys trying to pull?” she asked, yawning and trying to wipe the sleep out of her eyes. 

“Uh, we’re going to the diner, duh,” Stella said with a smile, tossing Cass her purse. “Come on! You know it fills up early on weekends.” Glen’s Diner had become an apartment staple over the past few years, the restaurant having been the first place the four of them had eaten in the city when they moved, not having bought groceries yet and not wanting to pay the premium for delivery. It was cheap, open 24/7, and Cass would swear up and down that their blueberry pancakes were the best she’d ever had. 

They were seated just after 8, happily slurping coffee and stealing bites of each other’s breakfast twenty minutes later. It was a nice day and hadn’t gotten too hot yet, so they decided to walk back after finishing the meal. In reality, “going back” meant Alicia stopping to buy a new necklace, listening to a busker for a few minutes, and petting no fewer than five dogs on the one-mile walk. There was still plenty of time before they had to leave for the ceremony, but after Cass did her makeup and tamed her curls, there was just enough time to watch an episode of Parks & Rec before having to actually get her stuff together. Not as flexible as she once had been, Ryanne helped zip up the back of her dress, a white lace bodycon from her sorority days that she had definitely worn to at least two semiformals. Hey, Cass thought as she straightened her hemline, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 

She had ironed her robe and put it into a dress bag the night before, and gently folded her school stole and the serape from her abuela into her purse. Mat’s necklace hadn’t left its place since Valentine’s. Her dad’s parents had given her a beautiful pair of pearl studs for her undergraduate graduation, and it felt only right to wear them for her next step. She fastened the ankle straps on her heels, and popped her head out to the living room. “Everyone ready?” She was met with a chorus of “yeses,” and grabbed her keys from their dish by the front door. 

“Let’s go get our girl graduated!” Alicia hollered into the street. 

The girls had originally objected to Cass driving herself to her own graduation, but relented as soon as Cass reminded them that she was the only one who knew where to find the free parking, and the rest of them only drove sedans. “Cheryl has way more room. Y’all want to be cramped on purpose?” 

“Fair point,” Stella had said begrudgingly. 

Exactly twenty-six minutes later, Cass pulled into a spot about two blocks away from the arena where she would be graduating in an hour’s time, hugging each of her friends as Ryanne handed her the dress bag. “You’re going to kill it in there,” she said, rubbing her back. 

Cass laughed. “Ry, all I’ve got to do is walk across a stage without tripping.”

She shrugged. “It’s a fine art that few have mastered.” 

Cass entered through the side, flashing her ID to the security guard standing by the door. Half an hour later, everyone had been ushered into their seats, carefully arranged in alphabetical order. For the most part, Cass was friendly with everyone in her class; if they weren’t outwardly hostile to her, she saw no reason why they deserved anything other than kindness, but was relieved to see Robin sitting next to her. “You excited?” Robin asked, brushing a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear. The lobby doors must have opened, because as she asked, crowds started to mill into the seats, waving at anyone who would catch their eye. 

Cass bounced her head. “I am, but it’s kind of surreal, you know? I knew we’d get to this point, obviously. It’s what we’ve been working towards for seven years, really. But the idea that it all essentially comes down to this…”

“An hour, a few handshakes, and a piece of paper,” Robin helpfully supplied. 

She nodded. “Yeah. It’s almost anticlimactic in a way? Like sure, we’ve got our JDs after this, but knowing we’ve still got to pass the bar. We’re not over the finish line yet.”

“Columbia has a 97% pass rate, and you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Cass. And I’ve spent three years surrounded by the smartest people I’ve ever met.”

“Fair,” Cass said, “it’s just kind of a weird feeling, you know?” Robin nodded. “And plus, for most of us, we’ve pretty much spent our whole lives in school. Aside from positions as summer associates, or part-time jobs and internships, we don’t really know how to do anything other than school. It’s just a little bit of a daunting thought to suddenly feel like we’re being thrown out to the wolves without really knowing what to expect.” Cass’ phone, which she wasn’t technically supposed to have but had snuck in anyways, chose that moment to buzz with a text notification. It was from Mat.

Met up with the crew! Can’t wait to see you walk across that stage, Cass. I love you and we’re all so proud of you. Mat had attached a photo of everyone she had brought with her — both sets of grandparents, her parents and siblings, and roommates. 

“Your boyfriend is nauseatingly cute,” Robin observed, looking over her shoulder at the message. 

Cass laughed. “That’s true, but I knew what I was getting myself into.” The music started ten minutes later, and the ceremony began. If Cass was being honest, she didn’t really remember much of anything from the first half of the ceremony, before the conferral of diplomas. She was so excited and nervous and unbelievably ready all at the same time that all she recalled from the dean’s speech and the student speeches were vague comments about their “awesome responsibility” and “duty to pursue truth and justice” and “commitment to fight for what is right over what is easy.” 

As soon as she realized it, her row was being ushered into line to receive their diplomas. “Cassidy María Cabrera Shaw.” She heard her name, but really had no clue who had spoken it. The dean? One of her professors? As Cass walked up the steps and across the stage, the only thing she could think was don’t trip don’t trip don’t trip. Then she was handed a diploma, flashed a brilliant smile for the photographer, and shook hand after hand after hand before walking off the other side of the stage. She was pretty sure she could hear Mat and Noah yelling their congratulations from her seat on the floor. 

Having a name towards the front of the alphabet meant that Cass was almost always called on quickly in class, or on roll call, or at graduation, as the case was. But that meant that she had to sit, quietly and politely, for the other four hundred names to be called. And it took awhile. After Robin Cahill came Wesley Coleman, then Samuel Cogswell, then Fiona Chan. Cass didn’t mind having to sit through the whole thing, especially when Fiona, Les, Samaira, and her other friends crossed the stage — she cheered as much as anybody — but it was a long time to be sitting in a folding chair and the thousands of people packed into a small space didn’t help her temperature regulation. 

There was the benediction and congratulations, and then the recessional of the graduates. Graduates, Cass thought. She was a graduate. She had finished, she was done, she had accomplished the one thing she wanted most to do since she was a little girl watching Legally Blonde for the first time, looking at Elle Woods and thinking I can do that. And she had. Her feet carried her to the back room of their own accord, where she picked up her bag and was engulfed in a flurry of hugs, congratulations, and kisses on the cheek from her friends, the people who she had spent countless late nights in the library with, bar hopping to celebrate the end of finals, and afternoons on each other’s apartment couches, yelling fact patterns at each other and trying to come up with an analysis before the timer went off.  

Following the stream of sky blue graduation gowns, Cass walked outside, waving at her family when she spotted Eliana hanging off of a lamppost in the courtyard to get a better view. Her sister nearly tackled her as she made her way to the group. “Cass. I already knew you were brilliant, and I still think  you’re the smartest out of any of us,” she gestured between the two of them and Noah, “but now you’ve got the degree to prove it. I’m so proud of you.” 

Noah was next. “You worked hard, and I know how badly you wanted this. You’re a really good sister.” He wasn’t usually a big talker, and Cass’ eyes definitely got a little misty as he spoke. He had verbally committed to Minnesota State the week before, and Mat might have been more excited than even Cass when he heard the news. It was an incredible program that had a serious track record of sending players to the NHL, and she was so proud to see her little brother doing what he loved. Her mom and both grandmas were crying, as expected, and Grandpa Joe wrapped her up in a hug as soon as he got the chance. 

Mat had been hanging towards the back of the crowd, not wanting to feel like he was intruding on family time, until her dad nudged him forward. “Go say hi to your girl, Mat,” Patrick said.

“Will do,” Mat said, squeezing Cass’ hand and pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. “Sometimes it blows my mind how incredible you are,” he said. “Everyone’s already said how smart you are, and every bit of that is true. But you’re so much more than that, you know?” His thumb rubbed over her hand. “You’re beautiful, and curious, and you always keep me on my toes. You’re so passionate about your work, and you’ve got the biggest heart out of anyone I know. You’ve never met a person you didn’t want to help. And I promise I’m not biased just because I’m in love with you.” 

Cass gave a watery laugh, blinking and thanking God she had the foresight to wear waterproof mascara. “God, I love you, Mat.”

Her dad had always been the picture type, insisting on documenting every waking moment. He was the living embodiment of “pics or it didn’t happen,” for better or worse. He took a few of her with her law school friends, then Alicia snapped one with just her immediate family, then there was one with everyone. Cass also got a picture with Mat, where he was bending down to kiss her, the tassel on her mortarboard just barely brushing his nose. Then she was in one with all of the seniors on the law review, and a friend pulled her away for a few with the Latinx Student Association. By the time they finally managed to tear Patrick away from his camera, it was time to head back to the hotel and get ready for dinner. 

Mat got Patrick to send him the photo of him and Cass, and was about to post it on Instagram when he hesitated. “Hey, is it cool if I post this?” Mat said, showing Cass his phone. Most people knew who she was, and he had posted pictures of her before, but they had never been this obvious, this clear, this real. 

“Go for it.”

Mat pressed post. So, so proud of my incredible girlfriend @casscshaw for graduating law school. You’re one of the smartest, most empathetic people I know, and you’re going to make an amazing lawyer. 

Cass grinned, a big, genuine smile as she was surrounded by her family, the people who meant the most to her — whether they were related or not. She looked up at Mat, who was smiling softly down at her as he reached one hand up to fix her tassel. “What’s next?”

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[dancinginadaydream]

ANGSTY DRACO AND HARRY HEADCANONS ((TW))

so im writing this with caution. these are some *really* sad and possibly TRIGGERING headcanons for some. but they've been bouncing round my head for days (i fckn thrive on angst and sad shit) so i wanted to share.

triggering themes to be aware of before reading ARE:

alcohol abuse

drugs; cocaine misuse

eating disorders; anorexia

self-harm; cutting

suicidal ideations 

imprisonment 

hints at abuse

rough sex

if any of these topics trigger you, i urge you to use your own judgement and exercise caution. please do not read these headcanons if you fear they will trigger you and/or you cannot read things like this. i have given you all these warnings so they don't just appear out of the blue. I have added the keep reading option so that nobody sees them accidentally. The last thing I want is for people to be triggered by even having to scroll past and catching a glimpse of it. Please take care of your mental health! 

most of these are headcanons for draco because i just fckn love draco and think about his life more than any other characters. 

ive put a lot of thought into these. ofc i accept constructive criticism and would be happy for healthy debate if anyone disagrees with any of my hc's!  

DRACO MALFOY:

draco suffers from anorexia. as a slytherin, he desires control over situations (particularly his own). however, his entire life has essentially been mapped out for him and he has lost a lot of his control over his life. as a result of this, when he was around thirteen and had a little more control over his outward appearance, draco started to obsess over his body image. nothing was every quite right. he decided to take control over that and make it to his vision of perfect. so he didn't eat unless he absolutely had to, or he was in important company and his father told him he had to keep up appearances, and even then he would go for a jog and feel ultimately guilty for it afterwards. this ended up worsening during his sixth year of school. all draco wanted was to have some control and often it felt that the only control he truly had was his body image,

draco was imprisoned in azkaban for a year following the trials and the war. it doesn't sit right with me that the malfoys got it lightly, they still did wrong. but draco was only imprisoned for a few months to a year to set an example and to teach him a lesson. he then spent two years on probation/parole. of course he knew that he'd done wrong, he accepted the punishment and it nearly destroyed him,

following his imprisonment in azkaban, draco pretty much changed his entire perspective- he smeared the feared malfoy name according to his father. draco became an activist for muggles and muggleborns, supporting hermione in securing more rights for them. he had intense amounts of guilt for what happened and his imprisonment made him realise that. he had a lot of time to reflect on the man he knew he should become,

after azkaban, draco essentially looked like machine gun kelly. he got a nose piercing, he covered himself in tattoos (mainly to distract from the dark mark on his arm) and he tended to kick about in muggle clothes (like a baggy jumper, hoodies, skinny jeans, doc martens, converse etc). of course that would all settle down as his anger towards his father and family settled. it was an initial act of rebellion to what his family stood for that he didn't agree with,

despite trying to do good in the world and support hermione in her multitude of causes, draco was still haunted by the ideals he grew up with. so he turned to drug abuse, namely cocaine, to distract his mind and still feel a buzz instead of depression. the cocaine addiction also becomes part of his anorexia, leaving him without food because he feels he doesn't need it,

throughout school, draco was a self-harmer. he would cut his thighs to have some form of relief. the reasons for this were almost always depression, but were triggered by individual events such as; not getting a perfect score on an essay (fear of punishment from his father), the issues with his body image, the forceful nature of his parents, the rise of the dark lord, dealing with his sexuality (i see draco as exclusively gay, but tries to be heterosexual for his family's sake and that has a lot of issues within itself). the self-harm subsided after azkaban and when he'd discovered the effects of cocaine (which could be argued that his addiction to coke was in itself an act of self-harm).

basically, no one punishes draco more than himself for his role in the war

HARRY POTTER

harry's never had a normal, easy life. he's either been abused by his aunt and uncle, or he's been fighting the dark lord and his goonies for the entirety of his school career. so after the war, things are settled for him. he's famous, he's being handed things for free, he's got the job he wanted, but he's not happy. because most of his formative years he was constantly fighting to make the wizarding world a better place, the sudden calm and quiet post-war has caused him some major depression issues. this it not to say harry wasn't depressed and anxious before, it's merely been amplified post-war. after the war he experiences feelings of worthlessness and paranoia. he's both ready and not ready to fight again. the world isn't the same and he's not settling well into the new way of living, the calm. his feelings of worthlessness accumulate and harry's friends and family are essentially on suicide watch for a few years post-war. they're worried that harry is going to kill himself. not only is harry suffering with feelings of worthlessness, he has survivors guilt. so many people died in the war and he blames himself. he should have been the only death, in his opinion. he's stubborn so won't believe any of his friends when they say that it's not his fault they died. he's attempted suicide a few times when the survivor's guilt gets too much and due to this he cannot live alone, his friends always have someone with him,

harry becomes an alcoholic post-war. its his way of dealing with things. he rely's heavily on alcohol for the feeling of numbness. it started out, in his opinion, as harmless fun but he became reliant on it. it becomes a problem and on top of his  suicidal ideations, his friends are unbelievably worried. they eventually manage to get him into rehab and he becomes sober, but then he turns his self-depreciation onto something else,

sleeping with draco began as a way of releasing anger and sexual tension. they started sleeping with each other after meeting at a wizarding club - draco was coked out and harry was drunk (probably on something too). their sex started in club bathrooms, anywhere dirty and messy because they just didn't care. then when they eventually went somewhere with a bed (hotel room, one of their flats), the sex became angry and was extremely rough (choking, spanking, scratching, slapping, hair pulling). the type of sex they had was bordering destructive as a result of their pent up anger at the world and each other. but after both of them became sober from their addictions, they continued seeing each other and it blossomed into something special and caring. of course they still had rough sex, but they had plenty of aftercare instead of a rough fuck and go,

not entirely related to the headcanons, can be separated or go hand in hand, but transgender harry potter. imagine harry growing up known as "the girl who lived" and it caused a lot of dysphoria growing up in a world being reminded that he wasn't cisgendered. he came out and the majority of hogwarts was accepting (even draco, he may be a dick but not that much. he would stop bullying harry using she/her pronouns and then use he/him). imagine harry constantly being reminded that he was the girl who lived. after the war, they started coining him as the boy who lived, but there were still pockets of people who refused to accept him as trans.

basically, the reasons i have these headcanons is because i don't think draco or harry would be entirely okay afterwards. they suffered a lot of trauma in the years leading to, during, and post war. that would have massive effects on their mental health and there's no way they would continue being arrogant and cocky - internally at least. they could be that way externally as a result of their trauma, anger at the world, and the need to make people believe they haven't been affected as much.

[transrightsjimin]

this might seem like a silly question but do you think tae has been okay this past year? i used to be super into bts 2013-17 and im getting back into them again so ive been watching run bts but he seems so much more quiet than i remember, ive only watched the last maybe 6 eps but i was just wondering do u think hes just tired or is this something thats been consistent? idk how to phrase my question properly i hope you understand

i dont want to psychoanalyze him too much (and have already been accused of doing so nd been attacked bc i once said i relate to him a lot in terms of my autism nd that seeing him makes me happy but. whatever lol) so i’ll just go by what he shared w us nd what is known. i’ve been a fan since 2014 and knew the group since 2013 so i will share what i know and read throughout the years. i hope my answer is a bit more helpful than the quora pages where people ask something similar to your ask (but with infantilizing nd ableist language instead) but in the end, i don’t know him nd just go by interviews and past observations.

Taehyung has shared w fans that he has been feeling depressed the past year and dealt w sleeping problems, which i think he has mentioned in a few times but the first one i can think of is in his interview in Weverse magazine, where he discusses how tired and down he’s felt in 2020. He also explains his thoughts behind the song Blue & Grey, which is meant to comfort people in that sort of headspace. while i think he has become more quiet over the years in general, you can def see his mood change the past year. as a side note, i notice the same about the other members when watching old concerts and such. they put a lot of effort and energy into activities they could do lately but i was still really caught off guard seeing how much more happy and excitable they all looked when in front of a real audience. which is all understandable of c bc as they noted before, an audience recharges their energy of course.

i thought he had become generally more reserved over the years, even before 2020. fans have speculated it is because his grandmother (who raised him for 10+ years nd whom he had a great bond w) had passed away and he has even received a lot of hate for expressing at a show that she died as he was portrayed as ‘attention seeking‘. a good friend of him also died by suicide in 2017 and in 2018 his grandfather died. these deaths are some of the possible reasons he might be looking less excitable.

in bts festa 2019 the members talk about how much more taehyung has matured over the years, e.g. being more mindful of others. Tae adds that he changed his mind on what happiness means for him, as he used to think it meant when everything was great for him, but later on he realized that it made him most happy when all members are happy together and when he sees the positive in things. so there’s a part of maturity there in terms of being less careless / stubborn / free-spirited, even if (as the members state) that is also what used to draw in fans back in the day because he drew attention in shows.

so it’s not per se bad he became more quiet / reserved and less stubborn as it helps be mor considerate of other ppl and he reflected on how he could make the most out of difficult situations.

i’m not sure if it was him too but members have mentioned in songs and interviews (I thought also Jimin did so in the same festa but i couldn’t find the moment quickly) that many people have tried to get close to them, just because they found them interesting for their fame but not care for them. the group has become more critical to such interests and cut off people who mistreated their openness. this might not per se be the whole reason for him smiling less or a reason at all, but his character did change over the years.

it might be important to add that his character / vibe (which i will rather refer to as autistic traits than any of the ableist language people online use :S ) is what drew a lot of negative attention by netizens, such as when he mentioned his grandma on tv, or when he cried on mama 2018 stage, or when he mouthed along to a song when they won an award in 2015. him just being goofy and happy were falsely flagged as misbehaviour in controversies caused by (then) larger fandoms that tried to undermine bts.

i am in no way saying Taehyung is the only one targeted or anything. i actually really hate that framework considering all of bangtan have been targeted by hate nd went through hard times mentally as a whole. and there is a HUGE issue recently within the fandom, where solo stans of tae have been popping up, who pretend bangtan mistreats tae and that he needs to go solo. which is just insulting considering he keeps emphasising they are a group /family and that he wants people to care for all of them and not just one. what i meant to say instead is that his behaviour has changed a lot bc it has been criticized a lot.

and as a final note i want to say that it is not particularly unnatural for Tae to be more quiet / depressed / reserved. i remember that early on in my army days, either in early 2014 or early 2015, Tae was not active on social media and generally more reclusive to the public for several months in a row. then too, people speculated he was tired or overwhelmed or depressed and idk if that is true, he was just less present to the public, but i meant to address that in the past too he could be more quiet or reserved at times so it’s not completely new or different for him to be more in the background. which is totally ok and in this case, we know he is more down and why. i dont think the members are obligated to talk to us about their mental or physical health, but i do appreciate them speaking up anyway bc it is very reassuring nd opens up healthy conversations.

TLDR; tae’s personality and public persona did change over the years, for both bad and good reasons, but morever it is true that he struggled w being depressed and w sleeping problems (as he himself discussed). the pandemic doesn’t help those issues.

i hope this answers your question?

i ended up still going WAY in to depth and speculating but i tend to ramble and look up links to support stuff i remember jfhgk sorry about the long answer, i always forget where im going once im typing. my answer already feels too much like psychoananalyzing him and im not a fan who disect a picture of e.g. a member smiling / looking somewhere / not smiling and writing a whole essay on his thoughts or traumas or whatnot behind it. so i hope i didn’t come off as going that route. ^^;

[oshbluepacific]

Unfaithful Trust / XII

Type: Fluff/Angst

Character: Jung Hoseok x Reader (MAFIA! AU) feat. Kim Namjoon

Words Counted: 3k5+

MASTERLIST . ask/request

I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII - IX - X - XI - XIII - XIV -  XV - XVI - XVII

 There was a little space between you and Namjoon. But everything happened so quickly. You didn’t know where you put the books you were holding, but the next thing you knew your arms were already around his neck, hugging him tightly as Namjoon’s were wrapped around your stomach. Both of you didn’t really know what to say. Gasps turned into sniffles when Namjoon rested his forehead on your shoulder.

“(Y/N), please don’t cry…” His voice sends shivers down your spine.

It’s really him.

The person you truly loved from the past. He’s not a ghost, not an illusion. He’s really here.

You pulled away from him and he had a small smile and you quickly wipe the tear that was escaping from your eye.

“I’m not…” You mumbled.

He let out a chuckle before he could crouch down and grabbed the books that you dropped on the floor.

“You never quit reading do you?” He asked, and you playfully hit his arm.

“I need new books to read, it’s boring to read the same book over and over again.” You told him.

Namjoon raised his eyebrow as he was carrying your books.

“I never left the house.” You told him, point blank.

“Ah… I’m sorry I—“

“No, don’t apologize, please.” You told him.

You reached for your books from his hands but he pulled away.

“Ah, ah, I’ll carry these for you.” He smiled.

 Ugh, that cute little dimple that I liked to kiss on is still there!

 “Thanks.” You smiled back.

The both of you walked through the aisle together, and there was this awkward silence between the two of you. “So how are you?” You asked breaking the ice.

“I’m good… I’m actually working on a song right now, so things are pretty hectic at the moment.” He told you.

“You’re singing?” You asked, surprised.

Namjoon nodded his head. “Yeah, I took your advice and put it to work.” He turned over his shoulder with a smile.

 “Namjoon, this song is amazing! You should put it out there!” You said excitedly. Namjoon unplugged the earphones you were using and shook his head.

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that type of commitment yet (Y/N).”

“What do you mean? It’s going to be amazing, and people are going to love your music! I love it, I’m sure everybody else will too!” You encouraged him as he got up from his bed and starts raking his head. By the way his moving, you know something else was bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” You asked him. You were now sitting on his bed. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it out there, I don’t know if I can make another song or—or if I get the chance to perform it—I’m scared that I can’t sign the way I did in that song!” He ranted and your expression softened.

“Hey…” You got on your knees and moved closer to Namjoon who was backing you.

“Namjoon… look at me.” You whispered.

It took a few seconds before he dropped his head and turned to you.

You lifted his chin up and his eyes are closed but tears were already streaming down his face.

It breaks you to see him like this. You never really see the vulnerable side of him, until now. You wiped his tears away before he could open his eyes to stare at yours.

“I know it’s pretty scary, but you haven’t tried right?” You asked him, and he stayed silent. So you continued.

“I’ve seen you write poems and just words that are beautifully written. I remembered that essay you wrote and you were the only one who aced it! I know how creative you are and you should know that too.”

“I know you could do it, I know what you’re capable of. If everything turned out the way how you want it, you should know that I’ll be there, supporting you in every step of the way. If everything didn’t turn out well… you should know that I will always be here for you as well… no matter what.” You smiled.

Namjoon could help but to smile too and just buried his face on your shoulder.

“I’m so lucky to have you, you know that right?” He sniffed, and you chuckled. “Oh, how lucky you are.” You said in sarcastic tone.

Namjoon wrapped his arms aroudn your stomach as you let out a giggle. “I love you.”

“I know, I love you too Joon.”

 But then things didn’t turn out the way how you, or Namjoon planned. You’re sitting across from him, a table separating the both of you, living a different life.

“So how are you?” He asked.

“I’m good, I’m good…” You answered him, not particularly convincing.

But Namjoon didn’t push the question.

“What have you been up to lately?” He asked again.

You chuckled. “Like I said, I never really leave the house, it was pretty much 24/7 in my room, reading books, watching Netflix and only coming out of the room to eat and work out.” You told him and he laughed. “Really? You never leave the house?” He asked disbelieve.

You nodded your head. “To be quiet honest, this is the first time I stepped into the city after 7 months of marriage.”

Namjoon was shocked, but he was good at hiding it. “How is he… treating you?” He asked.

You let out a sigh before you could lean yoru back against the chair. “It was quiet awkward at first, because, he was a complete stranger. We never really talk until one night he came into my room all covered in blood and almost died and ever since that night we became close.” You explained. “What? He almost died? Did he get shot or something?” Namjoona asked again and you simply answer him with a nod.

“Oh my—is he okay now?” He asked.

“He’s getting better, but the trauma in the both of us are still there.” You told him.

“Must be pretty dangerous.” He said.

“You don’t say Joon.” You rolled your eyes as you laughed, and he joined in.

 It was nice catching up with Namjoon. It wasn’t awkward after that, you both talked for hours and hours until your phone suddenly buzzed in your purse. You fished it out and it was a text from Hoseok.

 From: Hoseok

Hey, I’m on my way home, see you soon.

 You put it back into your purse, without replying. “Need to head home?” Namjoon asked, and you looked to him before shaking your head.

“No, no, it was just Hoseok telling me he’s on his way home.” You told him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be home too?” He asked. You shook yoru head. “Not that I was told to, no.” You smiled and it was Namjoon’s turn to shake his head. “You’re not still causing trouble are you?” He asked teasingly. You let out a laugh.

“No! And I never do cause a trouble!” You defended yourself. “Umm… not when we were watching our favourite group concert, and then it turns out your parents didn’t let you and we got into so much trouble for it!” He point out and you laughed.

“By the way, how are your parents?” Namjoon asked.

This is a trait that Namjoon always had. He always asked about how people are, even the people who looked down and hated him.

Namjoon once got punched in the face by a kid when they were still in high school. And when he heard the guy who punched him was in the hospital because of a cycling accident, he didn’t think twice to go straight to the hospital and pay him a visit.

Namjoon is very caring and a forgiving person.

That’s one of the reasons why you loved him so much.

 Namjoon looked down to his phone and his eyes widen. “Oh my, I should get going.” He said, standing up from his chair.

“In a rush?” You asked, getting up from your chair as well.

“Yeah, my manager told me there’s an emergency meeting.” He said picking up the books you got and also his.

“You know I can carry them on m own.” You told him.

“(Y/N), I don’t know when I can see you again, so let me do things for you.” He smiled and you just let him.

You both walked to the cashier and you insisted on paying Namjoon’s pick as well.

 “You didn’t have to…” Namjoon whined. “I want to do something nice for you as well.” You told him, and he just pressed his lips together, forming a firm smile.

 You both walked out the store together before Edgar pulled up the car in front.

“Where are you heading?” You asked Namjoon, and he quickly raised his hand. “No, it’s okay, I can walk… the place is not far from here.” He said. “Are you sure? You know I can take you there as well.” You insisted.

And he nod his head. “No really it’s fine, I need some fresh air as well, walking is good for you, you know.” He winked and you smiled.

 You both exchanged phone numbers, since, Namjoon said he changed his phone like, 5 times befire he left

“Who’s that?” Edgar asked, as he got into the car and drove the car away, different direction where Namjoon was heading.

“It’s Namjoon.” You answered Edgar, as you locked your phone screen and placed it beside you.

“That’s Namjoon? Kim Namjoon the one you used to date before?!” Edgar asked in shock.

You just nodded your head, even when Edgar couldn’t see it. “Oh wow… he changed.” Edgar commented.

You nodded yoru head in agreement.

“A lot can change in 7 months…”

 As you reached the house, Hoseok’s car was already parked on the driveway. When the car came into a halt, you climbed out of the car and quickly opened the trunk of the car. Kobe then came out of nowhere to help you and Edgar.

“Let me…” Kobe insisted, pulling the bags from your and you just walked beside him.

“You do shop a lot.” He chuckled.

“That’s what happened when you’re locked in a house for 7 months.” You smiled. “Is Hoseok home?”

“Yes, he’s at the pool at the moment—where do you want me to bring all of these?” Kobe asked.

“Just put it in my room, on the couch or the table.” You told him, as you both got inside the house. “And here’s the key to my room.” You smiled, handing Kobe your key.

Kobe nodded once, before he got on the steps to carry your things.

“Hey.” You heard Edgar behind you. “Where do you want me to put this?” He asked. He was carrying the box filled with books that you bought.

“Just put it in my room, Kobe’s there.” You told him, and he struggled himself up the stairs.

You walked towards the living room and you could hear the water splashing here and there.

You walked out to the back and you saw Hoseok in the pool, his hands covering his face. “Hey…” You said, as you walked closer to the pool.

Hoseok’s head shot up and he smiled as he saw you walking closer towards him.

“Hey there!” He smiled, taking a few steps closer to the edge of the pool and you couched close to him.

“How was your day?” He asked, his eyes beaming as he looked up to yours. “It was, great, I had a great time!” You smiled. “Edgar took me to places…” You added.

Hoseok reached out for your hand and you took it.

“Did you buy anything?” He asked. And you just smiled cheekily and giggled.

“Oh no…” He laughed, letting go of your hand and swim towards the middle.

“Oh come on! I was having my time!” You defended yourself and you both just laughed.

“What are you doing in the pool this late?” You asked him with a light chuckle.

“I was waiting for you to come back! I didn’t know what to do so I just jumped right in here!” He said cheerfully and you just shook your head. You saw his towel on the chair at the side of the pool. You grabbed his towel and told him to come out because it was getting dark. And he did.

As he was walking closer to you, you noticed the bullet marks and the cuts on his shoulder and stomach was there. It was getting better, but it was still visible.

“(Y/N).”

Your eyes shot up to his. You didn’t realize he was already standing right in front of you. “Don’t stare at it.” He said sternly.

“Sorry, I just…” You hesitate on touching it but you did it any way. Your thumb caressing on his the mark before it made its way to his stomach. “Does it still hurt?” You asked, looking up to him.

He shook is head. He took the towel from your hand before he could dry his hair off with it. He then put on his robe, before he could dry his hair again.

“Let’s get in, it’s getting cold out here.” He smiled, and you replied him by nodding your head.

 As you walked back inside, Edgar was standing on the front door while Kobe just came from upstairs.

“Sir, Miss (Y/N), all of your belongings are up in your room.” Kobe smiled.

“Thank you Kobe, and Edgar, thank you for driving me up to places.” You smiled, turning to Edgar.

“It was a pleasure.” He bowed a little.

Kobe and Edgar excused themselves before you both could went up the stairs. “So how much did you actually spent, like, really, I won’t judge.” He Hoseok asked and you just chuckled. “Oh you’ll see.” You said as you opened the door to your room.

Hoseok was surprised to see a bunch of shopping bags on the couch and on the table. His jaw dropped and he was just utter loss. “You spent a lot…” He laughed. “I needed that retail therapy.” You rolled your eyes with a giggle.

“What’s in the box?” He asked pointing at the brown bod on the table.

“Edgar took me to this huge bookstore in the city and—really, it was big, and I got something new to read.” You smiled gleefully patting the top of the box.

Hoseok couldn’t help but to smile. Seeing you happy like this just satisfied him.

“Are you happy?” He asked as you trotted back closer to him. He placed his arms around yoru middle and you nod your head. “Yeah, I want to go out again.” You said.

“Oh, not tomorrow, I don’t know how much bags you could bring home tomorrow.” He joked and you playfully hit his arm.

“I’m going to take my shower first okay, do you want me to stay here again?” Hoseok asked, taking a step back. You nodded your head.

“Great!” He said giving you thumbs up before he could rush his steps towards his room. You giggled and shut the door before you decided to take a shower and change into more comfortable clothes.

 “Anne?” You called as you walked into the kitchen.

Anne appeared from the back and you gave her a bright smile. “Ooh… someone is happy from her therapy, how was your day honey? Hot chocolate?” Anne offered.

You nodded your head excitedly before you took a seat on the stool.

“It was fun, if you were in my room, you would be so disappointed at how much I spent.” You chuckled.

“Ohh, at this point, I’m more disappointed if you didn’t bring anything home.” She chuckled.

As you were waiting for Anne to make you hot chocolate, your smile fades as you remembered what you encounter in the lobby of the mall and also how you reunited with Namjoon.

“Something might have happened…” You started, and Anne looked over her shoulder to you.

“And that is?”

“I bumped into Namjoon.” You stated.

Anne stopped stirring and turned to you. “You did?” She was truly surprised. You nodded your head.

“And how was that?” She asked, handing you your drink.

“It was… awkward at first, but then we did some catching up and it turns out he makes music now, he’s got a music career.” You added. “Wow… that’s wonderful.” Anne smiled.

“And also, when I was at the lobby, waiting for Edgar, there were these to women talking.” You said, getting uncomfortable.

“Who are they?” She asked.

 I’m sure she’s a terrible mother.

Is she even a mother?

 Will I be? Can I be? You lift both of your shoulders. “I don’t know, but they say that my husband is a murderer—well, Hoseok was the one who almost died—and they said that I’m a bad mother—and—am I even going to be a mother? Will I ever be? And I just—“ You couldn’t finish your sentence you just covered your face with your hands.

“It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. Yeah, I want to be a mother one day, but not now, I don’t want to have a child where their parents are still feeling like a complete stranger to each other, I don’t want my child to know what his father does for living, I don’t want this child to go through the same thing me and Hoseok went through.” You explained, and you could see Anne’s expression.

“Honey…” Anne reached out for your hand and you took it.

“You’ll have kids when the time is right, you’re going to be a great mother, I just know it… and you’re right, this isn’t the perfect time to have them, you and Hoseok still have things to figure out and need to straighten your feelings out too. They don’t know what Hoseok’s been through, and certainly what you’ve been through. They are just talking stuff that they don’t even know about!” Anne told you, and you could feel your eyes burning. But you didn’t want to cry.

“I know… but It just hurts to hear them say that.” You told her. “You’re strong, I know you are, you’ll get past it and you’ll get over it, and you’ll prove them wrong.” She smiled and you smiled back.

“Thanks Anne.” You thanked her, before getting a hold of your hot chocolate and taking a sip of it.

“Does Hoseok know?” Anne asked. “About this? No! No, let’s hope not, I don’t want him to know about this—“ “No, I mean… about you saw Namjoon.” Anne corrected. You felt a lump in your throat. You weren’t really sure weather to tell Hoseok about how you met Namjoon earlier. You’re scared that he’ll get mad or he’s going to avoid you afterwards or worse.

“I don’t know, maybe he shouldn’t know about this too.” You added.

“But honey, he has to know about the… parenthood thing… it’s important, it’s something the both of you have to discuss about.” Anne told you, bringing back the topic. “I don’t know Anne, I just don’t think he wants to have kids…” You trailed off, stressing out. “With me…” You added blankly. Anne just stood there, watching you scratching your head

“Well, I’m heading up, thanks for the hot chocolate Anne.” You smiled, getting off the stool, bringing the glass with you.

Anne just nodded, with a smile on her face.

“Oh and (Y/N)!” Anne called. And you turned your heels around. “Don’t over think it okay?” She said.

 As you were walking up the stairs just in time, Hoseok came out from his room wearing a pair of dark pants and a grey t-shirt.

“Hey, I just got back from the kitchen.” You explained. “Hot cocoa?”  You offered as Hoseok walked closer to you. He took the mug from your before taking a sip of it.

“Ah, it’s warm.” He exclaimed and you smiled. “You alright?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” You told him, but he knew something was bothering you just by the look in your eye.

You opened the door to your room and stepped inside. “Come in.” You forced a smile. You walked towards the table and placed your mug there, but you didn’t dare to turn around to face Hoseok. You heard the door being shut and you pursed your lips, preventing the tears in your eyes from falling.

“(Y/N)…” His voice low but calm.

“(Y/N), if there’s anything bothering you, you know you can tell me.” He said.

You nodded your head, the tears finally escaping. But you quickly wiped it away. You didn’t want to be sad. You kept telling yourself to not over think it and just forget about what was bothering you.

You quickly turned your heels and walked towards Hoseok before crashing your lips into his. He was surprised by your sudden moves but he gladly welcomed your kiss. He had his arms around your stomach, pulling you closer as his lips was still working on yours. You pulled away from the kiss and rest your head on his shoulder.

Hoseok was clearly confused on what was going on, what was wrong with you but he just rubs your back with his hand trying to calm you down.

“Is everything alright?” He asked before he could swallow hard.

 “I just need you to hold me right now Hoseok… please, don’t let go.” You whispered.

[lilyvandersteen]

Puppy Eyes Chapter 12

Chapter 12: I Must Be Sure

Paula came back in the afternoon, after her Pre-College Academy Class, and wanted to take Blaine home with her.

“You can look after Kurt,” she told Trent, “and I’ll take care of Blaine.”

Blaine shot one look at Kurt, who was tossing and turning in bed, breathing with difficulty, his cheeks unnaturally red and the rest of him pale as death, and nixed that plan with a loud protest.

Trent shushed him and told him to go with Paula, but Blaine, his displeasure rumbling deep in his throat, jumped onto the bed and curled himself around Kurt, trying to warm him up as well as he could.

Trent gasped and tried to get him off the bed, but Blaine didn’t budge. Then Kurt turned around, threw his arm around Blaine, nestled his head against Blaine’s shoulder and started to snore like a freight train.

“Well, that changes things,” Paula said. “If Blaine is staying here, we’re going to have to divide the caretaker duties differently. What’s your work schedule like? I have class on Mondays from 10.30 till 12, on Wednesdays the entire afternoon, on Thursdays from 8.30 till 10, on Fridays from 3.30 till 5, and on Saturdays the entire morning.”

Together, she and Trent worked out a schedule, and then Paula checked the fridge, the pantry and the medicine cabinet and went shopping.

Blaine felt horrible that he wasn’t able to help Kurt in any way, except for keeping him warm. He stuck to Kurt like a barnacle, and every time Trent or Paula wanted to take him out for a walk, he resisted until they’d sworn up and down that they’d bring him straight back to Kurt after.

Kurt’s fever didn’t abate in the following days, and his babbling grew more and more incoherent. Blaine’s name was a constant, though. Kurt was forever calling for Blaine, telling him he needed him, and that he loved him. All Blaine could do in response was cuddle up to him, his front paws wrapped around Kurt protectively. Kurt always seemed to sense him near, and it quieted him and helped him fall asleep.

The doctor came back after three days, and was so worried about Kurt’s worsening condition that she wanted to hospitalise him. Luckily, Trent was able to persuade her to let Kurt stay at home.

“I’m a trained nurse, Doctor,” Trent said. “I’ve worked in an ICU unit for two years. Just tell me what Kurt needs and I’ll take care of it – an IV, a heart monitor, an antibiotic shot for pneumonia?”

The doctor thought it over, and then decided to take Trent up on his offer. “I’ll write you a prescription for the antibiotics. I can’t fault you for wanting to keep him at home. God knows hospitals charge the earth. But I want you to keep me updated. I want his stats twice a day, and if it gets any worse, he’ll go straight to the hospital.”

For the next three days, Kurt was hooked up to an IV, and a heart monitor beeped around the clock to assure everyone he was still alive. Trent administered the pneumonia shots twice a day, and slowly but surely, Kurt’s temperature went down, and he became alert enough to eat and drink again, with assistance.

“He’s past the worst,” Trent said as he took the IV out. “I’m going to take the heart monitor back to the rental place. He’ll be back to normal in a few days. He’ll have to be careful, though. He needs to take it easy for a few more weeks or he’ll relapse. Make sure he rests, okay? As soon as you turn human again, I’m going back to Ashton’s , but I’ll pop in twice a day for the rest of the pneumonia shots.”

Trent was right. The next morning, Kurt woke up lucid, and when the doctor arrived for another check-up, she declared his lungs cleared, but told him to rest for at least one more week.

Blaine asked her to administer the morning pneumonia shot, which Trent had forgotten in his rush to go back to Ashton, and thanked her for the many house calls she’d made to check on Kurt.

Making Kurt rest for a week proved quite a challenge. On Saturday, he was malleable enough, and did nothing more taxing than take a long bath, nap and eat. On Sunday, Kurt was much more his old self, and as Trent, Ashton and Paula were coming over for dinner, Kurt insisted on preparing the food. “I’m the one who invited them! They’ve looked after me all week!”

Blaine raised his eyebrows. “After both of us. You wouldn’t want to repay them by falling ill again, now, would you? Park your cute butt on the sofa and watch some TV.”

“I’ve got no time for that!” Kurt protested. “I missed a week of school. I need to call Neil so he can update me on all that I’ve missed, and the assignments I’m supposed to hand in.”

“I’m sure Paula’s already told all of your teachers that you’re ill, and they’ll grant you an extension,” Blaine reassured him.

“Maybe most of them will, but not Jenkins,” Kurt mumbled under his breath, and a minute later, he was on the phone with Neil. “Oh, great, that’s great, thank you! Aww, yes, I know I did, but hey, that got me a job, didn’t it? Anyway, thanks a lot! But what I really need to know is what assignment we got for ARS Fashion this week, so that I can get cracking. 17th century fashion? Great. I read this interesting book the other day about French aristocrats wearing red high heels. I’ll write about that.”

And sure enough, Kurt settled at the dining room table with his laptop and a big book and set to work. Blaine didn’t hear another peep about making dinner, and at five minutes to seven, he had to tell Kurt to scram so he could set the table for five.

“I’m almost done!” Kurt complained, but Blaine shooed him off.

By the time their dinner guests were sitting down, nibbling on mini pizzas and quiches and sipping a glass of spumante, Kurt still hadn’t arrived. Blaine found him in his bedroom, going over his now fully written assignment and muttering to himself.

“Dinner is served, Milord,” Blaine said, and Kurt jumped a foot in the air.

“Dinner? Okay, I’ll be right there, as soon as I’ve sent…”

But Blaine closed the laptop. “We have guests. That you invited. So come help me entertain them.”

Kurt sighed, but slid off the bed and followed Blaine.

Kurt seemed a bit subdued during dinner. Blaine was pretty sure he was getting tired again, and hurried to offer everyone dessert so that they would leave shortly after.

Before he left, Trent gave Kurt his evening pneumonia shot and then took Blaine aside.

“Quit it with the sleeping in the same bed, okay? I know you don’t mean anything by it, but you’re getting the boy’s hopes up, and it’s cruel. You never did that to me, why would you do that to him?”

Blaine, a bit taken aback, didn’t know how to respond, and Trent rolled his eyes, sighed and reiterated, “Don’t make promises you can’t deliver on. Take it from me, that HURTS. You’re not into Kurt? Fine, but then keep your distance, so that he can get over his crush and fall for someone else, like I did with Ashton. Right now, you have him thinking that it’s somehow his fault. That he’s unlovable or something. I told him it was unlikely you’d ever fall for him, and he said, ‘Who would?’”

Blaine’s mouth fell open, and his heart hurt for Kurt, who was amazing and wonderful and beautiful inside and out, and deserved all the love in the world.

“That’s what you do to him,” Trent said. “So stop it, please.”

Later on, when all the guests were gone, and Blaine was doing the dishes, he mulled it over in his head. Was Trent right? Was it cruel of Blaine to show Kurt affection?

Of one thing, Blaine was sure: this wasn’t the Trent situation all over again. Blaine had never felt for Trent even half of what he felt for Kurt, and he’d never been as close to anyone as he had to Kurt.. Kurt complemented him in ways that Trent never had.

However upset Blaine had felt when Trent moved out, he knew that it would be so much worse if Kurt ever decided to leave him. He’d be absolutely devastated. In just a few months, Kurt had become the most important part of Blaine’s life. And ever since Blaine had overheard the phone conversation between Kurt and his father, he’d been picturing what it would be like to marry Kurt, raise children together and grow old with him. He could see it all so clearly, and he wanted it. But did he want it for the right reason? That was the crux of the matter.

Kurt deserved true love. He deserved someone who chose him because he was the brightest star in their sky and their best part of every day. Because they wanted to wake up with him in the morning and go to sleep at night with him in their arms. Because when he was in the room, everyone else disappeared for them and they only had eyes for him.

Blaine had grown to care for Kurt, more and more every day, but was that a self-fulfilling prophecy, or did he truly love him? He wasn’t sure, and as long as he lacked that certainty, he wouldn’t kiss Kurt. That much he could promise himself.

He hung up the tea towel and went to Kurt’s room to nag him to go to sleep.

Kurt was already in his pyjamas, moisturising his face. He looked up with a glowing smile. “I just sent the essay to Jenkins. At least one thing I can cross off my list.”

“Good,” said Blaine. “But promise me you won’t overdo it. No dog-walking for at least another two weeks, and no late nights working on school stuff. You need to get better first.”

Kurt’s smile fell. “I left them in the lurch for a week, so I doubt the agency’s ever going to want me back anyway.”

“I called them the first day you were ill,” Blaine told him. “So I’m pretty sure they found a replacement for you. I’m sure they’ve had other dog walkers fall ill before.”

And there was that smile again for Blaine to bask in. “Thank you!”

Kurt got into bed, and then beckoned Blaine with his arm. “Come to bed, please. I’m tired.”

Blaine hesitated for a fraction of a second, remembering Trent’s warning, but the tug on his heart was too strong. “I’ll be right there!”

K&B

Now that Blaine and Trent were on speaking terms again, Trent and Ashton became regular dinner guests, and Kurt and Trent got along like a house on fire.

It shouldn’t have surprised Blaine, then, that Kurt knew about the engaged couple’s plans before he did. But it still shook him when Ashton proudly showed him the plans and sketches for the building he and Trent had bought and wanted to turn into an art gallery of their own. Both the interior design and the logo design had Kurt written all over them, so Kurt must have known about this for months, but he’d kept mum about it.

When the invitation arrived for the wedding, Kurt’s name was beautifully calligraphed next to Blaine’s on the envelope, and Blaine caught himself staring at the ‘&’ in between for a little too long.

Blaine was scared about turning into a dog at an inopportune moment during the ceremony, and had asked Kurt to stand in as best man if necessary, but it all passed without a hitch, even the best man speech.

And yet, it had been another close shave. Later that evening, the whole crowd gathered in the garden for a fireworks spectacle Ashton had arranged for Trent as a surprise. Fairy lights had been hung over all the trees, and the effect was charming. The fireworks went up, everyone oohed and aahed, and then filed back into the ballroom to dance and get wasted.

Kurt hung back, though, and told Blaine he’d rather stay outside a while longer. Blaine happily agreed to that, and when the music started up again in the ballroom, he hopped about happily to the sound of his favourite tunes and hummed along.

Kurt giggled at Blaine’s antics, his nose and eyes scrunching up and his teeth showing, and Blaine grinned at him and turned his energy up a notch.

A slower song came on, and Blaine coaxed Kurt into slow-dancing with him. They glided over the grass smoothly, Blaine’s hand on Kurt’s waist, and Kurt’s hand on Blaine’s shoulder, their cheeks so close they were almost touching. When the song ended, Kurt sighed, his warm breath washing over Blaine.

“You okay?” Blaine verified.

“Never better,” said Kurt, leaning in a little and looking at Blaine from under his lashes, and wow, how had Blaine never noticed how long and beautiful they were?

So entranced was Blaine that he didn’t notice he was turning into a dog until he was shrinking again, and then he let out a distressed whine. This was SO not the moment!

[sequoiann]

✎ it’s ya girl denise !!!!! and guess what!! yes it’s already in the header but hfsdk i’ve hit my first anniversary!!! it’s crazy that i’ve actually sustained my account for a year! im rly so so grateful tht i’ve built up this… thing…. :^) the tumblr fam + the friends ive made through this acc was a hugeee part of my 2017, and im sure it’d be an even bigger part of my 2018 ! i’d like to thank everyone for being willing to read my pile of bullcrap tht i pour out of my head, ive said this before n i’ll say it again: i never ever imagined tht i’ll have a successful writing acc on here! i’ve tried writing on other platforms (like wattpad) before but it nv rly worked out well long-term bc it became a chore for me to post n update my stories…. but it’s never like tht on tumblr bc of you sweet buttercups!!! thnk u all for constantly reminding me to take care of myself n for checking in on me randomly nd !!! for keyboard smashing your souls out + screaming @ me when i post content!! every little action you guys do rly impacts me a lot, n even when u guys just come by n drop a msg in my inbox my heart just combusts n 💞💛🚨💎💗💥💘‼ (okay enough yapping)

i honestly dont know how follow forevers work but ! i’d like to mention people tht hv, in one way or another, helped me to keep this account going! i cant mention e v e ry o n e but do know tht as long as you’ve made a single note on my dash or hv positive views on my content, you’d be in this list if i cld fit everyone!! i love you all and thnk u so much for everything!

💛: scroll 2 the bottom for a msg! 💗: bithc i’d fling myself out of the solar system for you ilysdm wth ⛅: i actl stalk ur page every few days n send in anon asks bc im a coward but haa thnk u 4 being an inspiration to humanity 💫: we dont talk a lot yet but i absolutely adore ur content!!! n i hope you’re well n happy bc u deserve all the love u can get !

a-c :

@andromedaneedsoxyjin 💗 @adoretexts ⛅ @ajuimaginary 💗 @boosoonhao 💛 @bfwooz 💗 @blondshua 💫 @bookwan 💗 @cheolshu 💫 @chittafont ⛅ @choco-seventeen 💛 @caratvocals 💛 @cosmicae 💗 @chillihansol 💛 @camera-seventeen 💫

d-o :

@dumbbelle 💛 @dreamingseventeen 💛 @gyuofficial 💫 @hansolmates 💗 @hoshidotcom  💫 @hyungwon  💫 @hxshi  💫 @honeywonu 💗 @jeongahn  💗 @joshsua 💫 @jiso2 💗 @jeong-hanie 💫 @joshpup 💗 @johshuas 💫 @jeonghney  💫 @kristian-do 💗 @kingyu97 💛 @kwoncity 💗 @lxveille 💗 @myungho ⛅ @neoyeppuda 💛 @oatmealupdates 💗

p-s :

@princeshushu @paintedshua 💛 @peachseong ⛅ @pasteluji ⛅ @pjimims ⛅ @rappershua 💫 @seventeendom 💫 @soongyuz @shuvee 💫@saythename17scenarios 💗 @starshua @sailorimagines ⛅ @swimmingfool 💫@sebongie-loves ⛅ @softmanscoups 💫 @softhaos ⛅ @soongyuz 💛

t - # :

@ttherose 💫 @taekemeaway ⛅ @tswoondere 💫 @vitaminhosh 💫 @versigny ⛅ @warmau ⛅ @welovekpopscenarios 💗 @writers-leir ⛅ @writingdummy 💗 @whatsoodo ⛅ @wonuz ⛅ @17cuties ⛅ @17cafe 💗 @17mounteens 💗

❥ @boosoonhao

love!!! okay hello hngh we hvnt talked the most yet but i dont think i’ve expressed my utmost love for you enough so yes let me tell you how much i l o v e your content, plus u post quality works so often it makes my little heart so !!! content !!! im not sure when you made your account n i think i discovered your blog a little late but thnk u for your effort in everything you do, u rly inspire me to keep working on my drafts :”) i lov you n i hope we get closer this year! even if im an awkward ass! 

❥ @choco-seventeen

chOcoOooO oh choco my juliet hskjdf hi it’s my annoying ass here to bother u again with my over-the-top affection for u!!!! you rly were one of the blogs tht made me start my own writing blog, n even when i did i nv knew i’d ever talk to u?? maybe through anon heuk but i rly thought u’d be tht holy figure up there tht i’ll never reach! i mean u are still tht holy figure but thnk u for being so friendly n nice n cute n for bcoming a friend 2 me!!! i lov u so much + okay pfft your works pffttt i wnt to frame them up in gold n hang them in my living hall wadafack bih

❥ @caratvocals

oh look another one of my inspirations whom motivated me to start out making fake texts!! kura my love hello !!! i knw we hvnt talked a lot in the recent months…? but my appreciation n love for u still ! remains ! the same !! i love your bubbly n kind personality n it’s rly similar to seokmin’s…. you’re the sun tht never goes out! thnk u for spouting random cute words bc wow thAT shiT you do makes me so soft n your texts??? my honey your texts are so legit i cackle whenever i read them !! i never know how you make them so realistic but i’d like to thank you for putting so much effort into your work ; n your scenarios omg when u released your first fic i wanted to roll in the grass n scream ! it was so good, the chan apocalypse one and the jeonghan day 27 (? i think?) one! i lov all your works basically, thnk u for being so inspiring n cute n for being yourself i lov u !!!

❥ @chillihansol

hanni hanni hanni HANNI !!! my virtual sister! the loml !!! i’ve got so many things to thank you for honestly, you’ve been tht pillar of support for me whenever my mind is just going haphazard ! n u always try to help whenever sth comes up n ure so kind abt everything i wna migrate to where u live omf // + i’ve seen u improve in your writing so much in such a short period of time i am shook tbh wht kind of black magic are u doing ?? ok but im so grateful to hv met u omg when i think abt u i honestly just…… burst into ugly tears bc wht did i ever do in my past life to deserve you ilysdm thnk u for coming into my life n staying here through all my bullsht

❥ @dumbelle

my ring ring ding a ling!!! my disney princess !!!! i love you so much do i need to say anything more!!! thnk u for always checking in on me with cute lil msgs n chatting w my boring ass ! you’re so sweet n kind n so crazy n wow i love crazy :^)) you’ve been posting such unique content on your blog…. i mean the moodboards + the speech text bubbles + the cute lil scenarios below tht?? wht the heck tht is so cute ???? the first time i saw  one of your moodboard i started chuckling 2 myself @ the dinner table n i wnted to shove the fork down my throat is2g ok ilyssm

❥ @kingyu97

feesha!! i rmb when you were still tht f anon tht i met indirectly through clar n lani, n you lil shits wouldnt tell me who u are !!! tht was a funny experience im not gna lie but tht aside, thnk u for always showing your support in my works + being my lil chat buddy!! you brighten up my days so much, sometimes u randomly pop into my inbox when im feeling under the waeather n it just… rly…. makes me smile n then sob in 54 languages bc i lov u n i hv done nothing to deserve everything u do for me n i just…. i just love u ok pls stay in my life ilyily

❥ @dreamingseventeen

yEt another one of my senpais ! my inspiration 2 write!!!! i’ve loved your works ever since i discovered cos, it’s rly one of the fics tht i rmb every detail abt bc i reread it everytime it fades from my dory memory!! i feel so honored tht i got to talk to n be friends with succch an amazing author like you, n i love how you’re just so sincere n genuine in everything tht u do! thnk u for supporting me + encouraging me when im hesitant to do stuff, im so grateful for you and i love you ! i hope you keep writing (although your cat walks all over you n your desktop kekk how cute), pls do rmb to stay healthy !!

❥ @neoyeppuda

i’d really want to make 2 separate dedis to the both of u clar n lani but this post is getting toooo long so i’ll try to be concise but at the same time (hopefully) be able to tell u 2 how much i love u!!! the both of u hv been supporting me for a while n i heard abt you guys a lot before, n when yall came into my inbox i shrieked when i found out tht it was the admins of neoyeppuda like woa i feel like a celebrity just noticed me?? the same feeling i got with choco when i interacted w her for the first time! thnk u both for being so sweet n kind n crazy with me, im so thankful tht the both of u are my friends :^) lani you’re so damn beautiful both inside out n i hope u dont forget tht, i knw things may be hard but it’ll get better - talk to me whenever alright ♡ clar you’re the adorablest fluffiest person ever ilysm thnk u for always hitting my soft spots haaaa :”))) i hope 2018 goes well for the both of u, n pls take care!

❥ @paintedshua

sophie!!! my lovely lavendar soap bar! i think you’d be able to expect wht i wna say already but thnk u for chatting with me at random times of the day / night abt random ass topics tht come off your head (or maybe mine?) ! it makes me so happy tht we’re able to talk so… calmly abt crazy topics n talk so crazily abt calm topics….. i dont think tht made sense but yes u get it hnghh thnk u for building this friendship with me! one tht i treasure with all my heart n soul!!! i hope you continue having happiness n bliss in your life bc u obviously deserve all the good u can get

❥ @soongyuz

priya!!!! wow i can write a freaking 87439-word essay for u bc i think?? tht you’ve been my longest (i dont think tht this is the correct term but) mutual? you’ve been here as heart anon, and let me tell you!!! those days!!! i wasn’t in the best emotional condition (?? ok this doesnt sound right too buT lets move on) then n your heart anon asks were so cute n so innocent n just so!! full of marshmallows n rainbow sprinkles !!! n then a priya emerged from tht n im so damn grateful tht you’ve been with me for so long, thnk u for absolutely everything tht you’ve done for me, i love u so much ♡ i hope you arent too stressed abt school + i hope ure taking care of yourself!

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

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@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[braindamageforbeginners]

Intent/The First 120 Hours

Cycle 8, Day 11

Everyone always wants to know what chemo (technically maintenance chemo) is like, and I try to give an accurate portrayal, However, the truth is, even with the lighter touch and my new Hunter S. Thompson drug-fueled lifestyle (actually, after reading “Gonzo Girl,” even at my most heavily-medicated, I’m not in the same league), you’ll feel physically and mentally funky (and there’s always that nasty injection site pain from the Marizomib). The good news is, with Marizomib, fatigue is the most-noted downside (I wrote about that previously, but fatigue, I’ve learned, isn’t really exhaustion, it’s when consciousness is painful), so I usually get a full night’s sleep. Thanks to a quasi-legal medical substance, the chemo hangover is cut down significantly, and you wake up feeling, almost too good. So, yeah, in my false sense of recovery, I did push myself a little too hard and sprain something in the bad leg, so I'm spending today on the couch, thanks to that nasty rubbery leg of mine. I try to keep active and fit, but it isn't always a reasonable goal. So, today; rest; tomorrow, more-achievable goals, like going up and down stairs without a deathgrip on the rail.

Anyway, the point of this writing project is to provide some sort of useful data in an easily-digested form, so I thought I’d give a few pointers on surviving the first 120 hours after a terminal (we'll discuss it) cancer diagnosis (with the warning that it’s from my perspective, but what works for me may well be fatal for you; use your own judgment). I’m not talking about self-care or organizing your prescriptions - that’s later in the process. I’m going to tell you what I wish I’d known to survive the first four or five days after the diagnosis (non-medically). This is about how to subtly shift your thinking from "I'm gonna die" to "I'm going to scream into the gates of the Underworld like I own that fucker," which, based on personal experience, might be the necessary attitude to putting off that particular scenario.

1. Do what you need to do, emotionally. One of the shittier things able-bodied people do to new cancer patients is tell them to buck up, or be positive. Folks, if this goes South, I will experience cachexia. Most survivors are sterilized and have long-term health issues related to treatment. You wouldn’t tell someone who’s about to march into the jaws of hell to smile, especially if they’ve just had a seizure or are in pain. If you have to drink a bottle of whisky and drunkenly call an ex, now’s the time, you might not get it later. I think I spent a day dry heaving and lying in bed before I really came to my senses. Do what you have to, but do it quickly because you are now on the clock.

2. Find appropriate help. Just as not all cancers are created  equal, not all doctors are created equal. Again, according to Briish stastics, “medical misadvenure” is the third leading cause of death. Having said that, even though I insist on the very best for my glioblastoma, that’s because there isn’t much of a middle ground between “survivor” and “dead” with that. If I get lung cancer or colon cancer, I may not be quite as picky. I’ve talked previously about finding good oncologists, and, as recently noted, they’re usually not motivated by money. And be creative in where you get information; two friends from the Mesozoic contacted me to ask for help with their parents who have glioblastoma. It seemed odd to me that I’d be asked about, especially since one of these friends is a practicing physician. I try to give everyone accurate, well-researched advice, and I hope I did then, but it still feels like there’s somehing wrong in the universe when I’m somewhat knowledgeable about how to handle a crisis. We’ll ignore the self-contained, Zen koan-like irony of that statement in a guide to what to do.

3. Find new friends/join a support group. I don’t know if it’s just brain cancer patients - I don't know if it's just brain cancer patients or all cancer patients, but your previous support group (or key members of it) will be conspicuous in their absence. In my case (and another person I've read of), I heard back from a bunch of random people I literally hadn't heard from in decades (in a few cases). I get an awful lot of passing privilege, but, so far, any time I've dropped the "C" word - it's immediately changed the nature of our interactions. So far, overwhelmingly, people have been kind, or positive, which is great, but it does get grating after a while that any time the phrase "and what do you do?" comes around, there's a stilted shift. You know who absolutely could not give less of a shit about your new medical label (unless you're having a seizure)? Other cancer survivors and patients.  And - bonus - they'll actually be able to give you far more accurate and up-to-date info on your disease and/or financial or social resources that might now be at your disposal than I know about. I'm indebted to my old friends from the Mesozoic who showed up to cheer me on in my hour of need (extra kudos to Laura and Julie), but I owe an unrepayable number of favors to the Leukemia Kids (okay, that's the Young Cancer Support Group, but most cancer patients under 40 are lymphoma or leukemia patients/survivors, hence my name)(sorry if you guys don't like it, I'll think of a better one ASAP) who helped me get past that (sort of, I still need all the help I can get). I did not do that, but, in retrospect, it was a massive mistake I didn’t.

4. Prepare for drama - your life is about to become a bad Lifetime Television Special, and it does affect different people in different ways - I know one brain cancer survivor whose husband left her  - and you’re going to be doing this while experiencing an amount of fear you’d previously been unable to imagine; the full 31 flavors.  You will be - initially - completely overwhelmed by terror. I'd recommend seeing a shrink (I do); all the prescription pads will come out for this one. The bad news is, even if you beat this thing, you don't ever really get over it. I've talked to late-stage breast cancer survivors who say the same thing; even after years of clean scans, the anxiety and fear never fully leaves (it certainly hasn't for me, though, but I'm not even a year out of a five-year deal).

5. know the difference between terminal, incurable, chronic and fatal. I remember which step on the stairway I was on - the third or fourth - when Mad Scientist told me those six words, over the phone (I was traveling at the time), "I'm so sorry, it's stage IV." The world swung, because I suddenly knew not only that I would die soon, but exactly how (that's a really horrifying thing to consider, I wrote one of my fist essays - posted around here, somewhere - to try and capture that sensation). Fatal diseases are like a car crash - they'll kill you. Terminal illnesses are defined by Wikipedia (and I like their definition, since the traditional definition has involved how, subjectively, soon/quick the disease is likely to kill you) as, "an incurable disease that cannot be adequately treated and is reasonably expected to result in the death of the patient." You'll note a lot of weasel words in there that make this nice, elastic definition my favorite, but the phrase I like to hang on is, "adequately treated." Chronic diseases are the ones that last three or more months (or something like that; I did take an intro pathophysiology class that involved knowing the instructor's definition of "acute" and "chronic"). Chronic cancers - like mine and a lot of recurrent leukemias - are ones that require five consecutive years without metastasis or recurrence before you're declared "cured." It's telling of the quality of my medical team that, as far as I know, none of them have ever said the words "fatal" or "terminal" in my presence.  Instead, I've been given a series of treatments that really suck (check this blog for any examples you'd like), but, I'd so far rate as "adequate" in that they've kept the disease at bay (for those of you working out, step-by-step along with me how to save yourself or a loved one, that statistic is progression-free survival. I'd imagine, based on how a new immunotherapy has gotten to round 3 just in the nine months I've been in treatment (technically, treatment ended back in February, I'm in "maintenance chemotherapy," but since I have to be in the infusion center every Tuesday, and I have to remain wary of potential problems/side-effects/etc. it's just easier to think of myself as still being in chemo). And most cancers are, technically, incurable. We might have a definitive treatment of some sort, but since it's ultimately caused by damaged DNA, and we can't repair or zap every single rogue cell in your body, most are just genetic time bombs. And, since I've survived the first tumor, a lot of medicine seems to have swung back to reclassify a lot of very treatable (but not curable, apparantly) as either chronic or having that potential. I like to use the idea/metaphor I saw another science writer use; it's like heart disease or diabetes; it'll take a lifetime of management and monitoring,  but it may not, necessarily kill you. In other words, you've received a helluva strong first blow, but, even with the gravest prognosis, you might be around for a longer struggle (and time) than you'd thought.

6. Use statistics as guidelines, not rules. This was a big one for me. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't use statistics, or automatically dispute them, but realizing the GBM median life expectancy included both 20-year-olds and 90-year-olds who dropped dead of heart attack and people who refused (or were not candidates) for other treatment. Again, there's a lot of luck involved in this, at every single point, but you can - mentally and physically - prepare for pain, or  hardship, or potential heart problems (and react and treat such things). You can't really prepare for cancer recurring or metastasizing, apart from writing your own eulogy (which, come to it, I suppose this is a part of).

7. Decide right now if you want to live or go gentle into that good night - This is far, far more important than you might think, because both the medical industrial complex, your disease, and the basic, horrible logistics of this situation are going to be beyond exhausting. There's a lot of luck here, but, from minute 1, I have had one thing going for me:  complete, near-psychotic commitment to actually staying alive.  And that's what it'll take (sadly, in more than a few cases, much, much more will be required).  You're going to have to charm, cheer, cajole, finagle, and, in some cases, con people like there won't be any consequences, because, if you're unsuccessful, there won't be. And this will give you the required attitude to deal with some of the higher-ups you'll meet in medicine (and scream at them, if necessary).  Again, full honors to all my various clinicians and support staff over the years who have never made me feel trapped or impotent by my immediate sitaution, but, at the same time, if any of the sort of arrogance and contempt I've heard of from other folks (including doctors) was actually warranted on behalf of modern science and medicine, there would be no fatal diseases. Again, I'll happily write glowing testimony on behalf of the people treating me, but I've met too many patients who feel like refusing treatment because they're too dejected or frightened to go on, and their doctors or insurance are still charging them (why that's still allowed is largely due to the fact that modern medical insurance is an entirely artificial industry created to meet no demand, and enabled by Richard Nixon and Edgar Kaiser)(again, I'm making none of that up). I'd urge everyone to get up, remember that dead men, women, transgender, non-binary, (and anyone I'm forgetting), do not pay bills; hopefully that'll give you the sort of needed psychological boost to get off your butt and demand more. It's not a sustainable life strategy, but until the end of your illness is in sight, Malcolm X's statement, "By any means necessary" should be your mantra.

8. Don’t lose hope - Believe me, it seems weird for me to write it, and it might very well be warranted in more than a few cases, but I did ask myself, once, why I'd be on the phone the next morning ordering and organizing my prescriptions (orchestrating what substances should be in me on which day is now a more daunting logistics task than the D-Day landings), instead of just sitting quietly in a comfy chair until it was all over (that's still always a temptation), and all I can say is, I guess it was enough to motivate me through another day. And another. And another. And, in the meantime, another treatment has made it to trials, for, wait for it, recurrent GBM (which is what I'll have if the Warlocks miscalculate using the lunar calendar)(no longer a joke; each treatment period is 28 days). I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna get miserable, and not all of us will make it (Hell, measles has a death rate, which, there,  that sensation of realizing measles can be fatal, is what a TIA feels like).

9. Mourn your old life, don’t waste time trying to get it back. I made that mistake between Tumor #1 and 2. I'm not making it again. I realize I can only write for myself, which was the horrifying realization that came to define my existence - no one, as far as I can tell, has written a decent, current, useable guide to avoiding the reaper when your number's up. So I guess I'm going to have to stay alive long enough to do that. Also, I don't know if anyone out there's outlived their own life expectancy, but I've already done it twice, and there is no more amazing sensation - no matter what else your life looks like.

[defendglobe]

the past few days have been particularly brutal since my mom accidentally hit a nerve the other day

we watched love simon together and afterwards my mom was like seriously you should write a book like that but with lesbians and try and publish it bc the world needs more lgbtq rep that isn’t fetishistic or tragic.

writing is a huge fucking sore spot for me. there are about a thousand reasons why and all of them are petty as fuck. you know. my general lack of skill and giving a shit and my being a little bitch about even the most mild criticism (haha i literally stopped writing for like three years bc my 8th grade english teacher ripped me a new one and after that i was too ashamed to write anything) but the biggest one??

my mom is a writer. pretty much everyone who reads her shit goes off about how gifted she is and blah blah blah. i don’t wanna sound like i’m just bitter and jealous over her success because that’s not what the problem is. the problem is that everyone who fuckin knows her like. extends her ability to me if that makes sense. 

for as long as i can remember every time i do anything with writing or public speaking people comment how i take after my mom. “just what i expected from rebecca’s daughter!” or “you’re gonna be a writer someday just like your mom”. it’s exhausting. i love my mom but jesus christ she has some huge shoes to fill and i’ve got tiny little bitch feet. just sucks that people automatically assume that whatever shit i can do is because of whose pussy i got shot out of and not because i have any talent or ability of my own. 

i did a thing at church recently. i’ve pretty much stopped going because it’s too much but family friends wanted to do a pride month service and i felt that i needed to help. i really put myself out there tbh. i wrote the liturgy myself. me and the other two gay ppl in my (former) church basically told our stories. what it’s like being raised christian and being lgbtq. its the most open and honest ive been about shit irl and it rivalled one of my many oversharing posts on tumblr. 

afterwards a lot of people came up to me and said the same shit. “you’ve grown into such a smart young lady like your mom” and the like. my mom was actually kinda unnerved afterwards too because a lot of people came up and thanked her. even though it was well established during the service that it was all me and the other lgbtq people who did everything. 

my mom might be the cause of it all but she does know people do this and tries to fight back a bit. a couple people said shit to her like “wow you raised your daughter well” and she would say “she pretty much raised herself” lol. 

honestly i think that’s what this downwards spiral is about. i put my goddamn heart and soul right out there and people immediately pinned it all on my mom. it stings, ya know?  

“emma if writing is such an issue why the fuck are you an english major” there’s a difference between writing essays and studying literature and actually doing something entirely your own. analysis isn’t a problem for me. 

anyway. i’m just so tired of it all. i try so fucking hard to connect with people but it feels like i can never get there. like talking to people through a glass window. the thought that i’ll stay this isolated and lonely for the rest of my life terrifies me. i have to believe that things will get better but honestly i feel more and more hopeless by the day. how pathetic is it that i see my roommate got engaged and had a two hour breakdown because i wish so badly i could have something like that but knowing that with me the way i am it’s most likely not gonna happen. 

not a single day goes by where i don’t think about killing myself and cutting the humiliation short. i feel utterly unworthy of being alive. i’m so far behind everyone else. college dropout who can’t get a job to save her life and for no good reason. massively in debt, with no future and no fucking friends (you know what’s super humilating? your parents sitting you down at age 21 and telling you that you need to make friends looool). it’s utterly pathetic that i’m so lonely i overshare online because i dont have anyone irl who gives enough of a fuck to hear. 

i’m so fucking tired. i keep trying to believe things will get better and i can change but i’m so hopeless rn.

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part iv

And here’s part iv! I’d love it if y’all would reblog, this is a work I’m really proud of and the more people it’s shared with the better! My inbox is always open, and I’d love to hear your thoughts, even if it’s just “AAAAAH.” Enjoy!

part i part ii part iii

part iv

December 12

Cass grimaced, looking over at the tab on her laptop that had the Islanders game open. They were down 3-1 late in the third, and it didn’t look like they were going to be able to pull it off. It was the last game of a ten day roadie, and they had lost all but one against the Red Wings right at the beginning. And the Wings were 10-21, so it wasn’t even a confidence booster. To make matters worse, Mat was on a points drought; he hadn’t gotten an assist, let alone scored, since the first game of the trip, a 4-1 loss to the Blue Jackets. They also were playing a few players down, an MCL sprain and the ever-vague “lower body injury” kept the team from being at full strength. 

As the game came to a close, she didn’t even know if Mat wanted to talk to her. His relentless dedication was one of her favorite things about him, but it also led him to take things way too personally and be way too hard on himself even when  — especially when  — the situation didn’t call for it. He was probably beating himself up as the boys headed back into the locker room, being short with his teammates and trainers and whatever poor sports reporter had been sent to ask “how they planned on snapping this unfortunate streak” in the post-game interviews. He’d never be deliberately mean or unkind to anyone, but just like anyone, her boyfriend got stressed and overwhelmed and didn’t always know how to deal with it. I saw the game, she texted him, I’m proud of you. Call me if you want. 

Dec. 15 (wed)

Mat had barely spoken to her since the return from the roadie, and it was starting to get on her nerves. Texts were responded with single words, if they were answered at all. They were supposed to have visited the Met yesterday , but that hadn’t happened either. He had cancelled, saying that “some team thing came up” and he wouldn’t be able to make it. Barely apologized. And what pissed Cass of more than almost anything was that she wanted to help, she wanted so badly for him to just talk to her, she wouldn’t judge him or make him feel like he was a shitty player or a shitty person, but she couldn’t do that if he wasn’t even picking up her damn calls. Who do you talk to when there’s almost nobody in the world who understands the position you’re in? 

Maybe that was just it. She’d go to the people who did understand. Paige had added her to the WAGs Whatsapp group the week prior, and from everything she had gathered so far, it was exactly the sort of place to go for advice. Cass pulled up the chat, torn between not wanting to seem like she was oversharing but not really sure what else she could do. Hey, guys, she started. Mat’s been taking the losing streak pretty personally (as I’m sure a lot of your guys are) and seems to be pulling away. Any advice? I don’t want to push him but I know it’ll get worse if he just keeps it all bottled inside. Clicking send, Cass sighed, leaning back in her desk chair and trying desperately to study for her Environmental Law final. 

At some point after midnight, she closed her books and laptop with frustration. The test wasn’t until next week, but she wasn’t going to get anywhere trying to study as distracted as she was. She grabbed her phone, heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth and check the group chat. No fewer than six of the women had written back, some of whom she hadn’t even met, with long, sympathetic paragraphs overflowing with advice. She read them all, touched by the time, effort, and care that everyone has put into making her feel just a little less anxious. But the overwhelming message was clear. Find balance, but don’t let him blow you off. Be a support system, but you’re not his therapist. And repeated again and again, Talk to him. 

She tapped out a message before she turned her bedside lamp off, hoping that with morning would finally come a proper response from Mat. Can we meet for coffee tomorrow morning? You know as well as I do that we need to talk. I’ll be at Donahue’s at 8. 

Read: 12:23 AM

Dec. 16 (thurs)

Her foot tapped nervously, hands clasped tightly around the cup in front of her and beanie pulled over her head, curls poking out from under. He had read the text, but Cass had no clue if Mat was actually going to show up or not. He hadn’t responded. It was ten past eight, and Cass was just about ready to give up and head to school early. She had just put her laptop back in her bag when she caught Mat out of the corner of her eye. He gave her a small smile, equal parts nervous and almost  — bothered? “Hey,” he said softly, unzipping his puffer coat and sliding into the chair opposite her. “You said you wanted to talk?”

Suddenly, the whole elaborate speech Cass had prepared, about letting her in and supporting him and communication, left her mind. “Yeah.”

“So, talk,” Mat said, with a slight edge to his voice. 

She looked down at her cup. “I get that you’re disappointed about the losing streak. I get it and I’m sorry that you’re not doing as well as you hoped —”

“I don’t think you do get it, Cassidy —”

She cut him off. “Let me finish, Mathew. I’m sorry that you’re not doing as well as you hoped, and I do get how shitty it is when you know you’re putting in the time and effort and practice and it doesn’t seem like anything’s working, but you’ve barely talked to be about any of it.”

“‘Cause I don’t want to,” Mat mumbled. 

Cass leaned back in her chair. “And I get that. I get if you don’t want to talk to me. But you’re not talking to anyone. You’re not talking to Tito, I asked him and he said you’ve been just as closed-off with the team. You’re not talking to any of the other guys. And I’d bet you’re not talking to your parents or your sister either.”

No one gets it!” Mat said in frustration, a little louder than was necessary. “I go through so much shit and have so much pressure on me and…” He trailed off for a minute. “I don’t want to disappoint the team, I don’t want to disappoint the fans. I don’t want to disappoint my family. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Everyone had their ups and downs,” Cass started.

“And I get that,” Mat said, holding his head in his hands and looking down at her coffee cup. The same white-and-blue one he had gotten her two months earlier. “But it’s hard. It’s hard when I’m feeling like the fans aren’t getting what they deserve when they come to games, and like I’m not worth what they’re paying me right now. I know you want to, but you don’t get it.”

Cass looked away, turning her eyes to the street. The sidewalk was dusted in white, turning to slush every time someone walked past. It was the first snow of the year. “Then help me to.”

He breathed out, finally relaxing a little. “It’s not that easy.”

“I want to help you,” Cass said, leaning over the table and clasping his hands in hers. “But you can’t keep freezing me out like this, chou. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me.”

Mat closed his eyes, leaning into her touch. “I just don’t want this to become your thing too. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I know right now kind of sucks for me but that’s just how it is sometimes, you know? It’s just how it is and I have to get over it. I have to get over myself.”

“Mat, your well-being and mental health isn’t something you can just ‘get over.’ Or even something you should. I’m not a professional, and if you need one that’s something we can find,” Mat wrinkled his face, and Cass was pointedly reminded how often men’s mental health was ignored, “but I’m here for you to talk to. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

He ran his thumb over her hand. “But you didn’t sign up for this.”

Cas shook her head. “Mathew Barzal. This is exactly what I signed up for. I’m pretty smart,” he cracked a smile, “and I knew what I was getting myself into. Dating someone with such an unconventional job and schedule can be stressful, and frustrating, and confusing for everyone involved. But I chose it, Mat. I chose you.”

Dec. 21 (mon)

For once, Cass wasn’t headed straight home after work, or headed to a game, or — God forbid — back to the library to study. Her last final had been that morning, and she was free for three blessed weeks until the New Year. Which meant that she didn’t have to worry about turning in another essay or memorizing another case, which meant that she was more than free to go to the team Christmas party with Mat later that night. He had somehow been coerced into hosting, and Cass had promised to get to his apartment early to help set up. He was mostly done by the time she got there, so “setting up” turned out to mean setting up the bar and putting out snacks, Cass mixing up an enormous pitcher of her favorite sangria, a signature standby from her sorority’s Wine Wednesdays. 

Mat had even put up a proper Christmas tree, and Cass smiled at the piney scent as she headed down the hallway, bag in hand. “Cool if I change in your room?” She shouted down the hall at Mat, who was currently engrossed in pouring a bowl full of chocolate-covered pretzels. “Yeah, go for it,” he called back. Cass didn’t have a lot of excuses to dress up, but liked taking advantage when the occasion called for it. Her dress was short, red satin with a slit on one side and silver embellishment on the other. She used his bathroom to touch up her makeup, swiping her burgundy lipstick on and double-checking her brows. Cass shoved her work clothes back into her backpack, tossing it onto the plush armchair in the corner of his room. 

She walked down the hallway, which was pretty much bare save for a few pictures of his friends from home and one with his family on the day he was drafted. She was kind of surprised that Mat owned a single picture frame. Cass sat on the couch in his living room, looking at the Christmas tree. There were one or two Islanders ornaments, a paper Santa that she assumed had been a kindergarten art project, a photo of his family around the fireplace that looked like it had been taken a year or two earlier. Mat wrapped his arms around her, hugging her from behind. “Whatcha looking at, babe?” 

She smiled. “Your ornaments. They’re really pretty.”

“Not  as pretty as you.”

The door rang, Mat kissing her quickly before walking across the room to open it. A group of the younger players piled in, mostly rookies and call-ups from Bridgeport. One of them had brought along a keg of beer, and Cass had to fight back a laugh while showing him to the kitchen and setting it on the counter. He was just out of college, she’d stake her life on it. By the time she’d secured the keg and started getting people set up with drinks, the living room had started to fill up. “What can I get you?” She asked Paige, who had left Tito with the boys by the tree and made her way over to Cass. 

“What are my chances of getting a Moscow mule?” Paige asked. “I don’t want to be a difficult guest, but,”

“Very good,” Cass said, turning around and grabbing the vodka and ginger ale. “We don’t have the proper mugs though, so don’t be complaining.” One shot of vodka. Half a can of ginger ale. Squeeze a lime. She had bartended for a little over a year when she first moved to New York, and it was still one of her favorite things to do for friends. Mixing herself a whiskey sour, Cass wandered back over to Mat and Tito. 

---

It was well past eleven and the party was nowhere near stopping. While everyone was conscious of the noise level — for the most part, she had seen a few of the guys being reminded to use their inside voices — the conversations were still going and the drinks were still flowing. Cass had passed the tipsy point somewhere around 10:30, though she was nowhere near as hammered as some of the team. Or their dates, for that matter. She was cuddled up against Mat on the couch, heels long having since been abandoned and nursing what she was pretty sure was a vodka sprite with way too much vodka and way too little sprite. Whatever, Cass thought ruefully as she tipped the last of it back. It gets the job done. 

Mat was a touchy drunk, Cass had learned, and one hand seemed to have taken up permanent residence at her waist while he sipped a beer with the other. “What do you think Christmas will be like for you?” Cass asked softly, tilting up her head to look at him. “Since you won’t be with your family.” Mat knew it was a possibility, but he was still pretty upset when he looked at the schedule and realized that his family wasn’t going to be able to fly out to spend the holidays with him, and he didn’t have enough time to go back out to Vancouver. 

Her parents had extended the invitation for Mat to spend Christmas with them when she had been back up for Thanksgiving; he couldn’t make Christmas Day, but was able to carve out two days to visit. He smiled at her, leaning down and kissing the top of her head. “You’re cute when you’re worried, y’know that?” Cass scrunched up her nose. “It’s not like I’m going to be alone. I’m doing Christmas with Beau, since Paige’ll be out of town too, and some of the guys usually plan a nice dinner thing for anyone who’s not with family.”

“That sounds nice,” Cass noted, still feeling a pang of guilt. 

“Hey,” Mat said, noticing her distraction. He sat up, turning her face to look towards him. “I’ll be fine. I’m a grown-ass man.” 

Cass cocked an eyebrow. “Sure about that?”

Mat giggled. “Okay, okay, fine. Point taken. But yeah, it would be nice to have my family, but I kind of do, y’know?” He said, nodding around to the guys. Cass could have sworn that in that moment, her heart melted. “And I want you to spend time with yours. I’d be kind of a shitty boyfriend if I didn’t want you to.” Mat leaned in, and his lips brushed against hers so that they were almost touching but not quite, hesitantly. Cass pressed against him, her fingers finding purchase in the baby hairs at the nape of his neck. She loved that he was letting his hair grow out. He tasted like whiskey and tequila and some cheap beer that she was pretty sure was Natty Light, but she couldn’t have cared less, just like she ignored the not-so-subtle wolf-whistles from the teammates. 

Everyone started clearing out around midnight, a few staying to help stuff cans and bottles into trash bags that were left unceremoniously in the kitchen to be dealt with the next morning. Cass yawned, rubbing her eyes. She had sobered up some, but was still well past the legal limit. “Whatcha doing?” Mat asked, seeing her about to order an Uber.

“Calling a ride?” Cass questioned.

“Why don’t you just stay?” Mat asked haltingly. “If you want.” Cass had obviously been over to his place before, multiple times, but hadn’t stayed the night yet. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him, because she did, but it was something that was a big step for her. That meant a lot to her. But it was late, and she was sleepy, and Mat did make a really good pillow. “Okay,” she conceded. 

Mat smiled, taking her hand and leading her back to his bedroom. He rummaged through his dresser, grabbing an old Thunderbirds t-shirt and athletic shorts and handing them to her as she walked into his ensuite. “I don’t have stuff to get your makeup off, but there is soap?” He offered. 

Cass laughed. “I brought some wipes, but thank you. That’s really sweet.” She changed and took her makeup off, finding a spare toothbrush in one of the drawers and brushing her teeth. She popped out after a few minutes. Mat was already changed, dressed in pyjama pants and a comfy-looking heathered grey top. “The red toothbrush is mine now.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded, cracking a smile. A few minutes later, she had claimed the left side of the bed and he had come back from the bathroom. They were lazily kissing, Mat’s hand just barely brushing the skin on her waist from where the shirt had ridden up. Cass was still tipsy and she knew Mat wouldn’t try anything, not like this, but God, it was nice just to feel close to him. After a few minutes he pulled back, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear that had fallen out of the loose messy bun she had thrown together. “What’s running through your head, babe?” He murmured. 

Cass looked down, biting her lip. She was usually good with emotions, good with communication, but something about Mat made her heart skip a beat and brain go into overdrive all at once, and somehow she was convinced that it was the best feeling in the world. “I’m just really happy right now,” she breathed. “It’s Christmas, with our friends, and you...It’s everything I could want.” 

Mat gave the softest smile. “You, with me, right now? That’s all I could want, Cass.”

Dec 22. (wed)

Cass zipped her suitcase shut, double-checking that she had everything she’d need for her two weeks in Connecticut. It wasn’t a big deal if she forgot something, there was probably some stuff left in her old dresser, and her little sister Eliana was about the same size. Mat had just texted that he was almost there. Cass grabbed her backpack and suitcase, stopping for a moment to pop out the final few chocolates on the Advent calendar her mom had sent down. She closed her bedroom door, wishing a harried goodbye to Ryanne and Stella, and ambled down the stairs as fast as her bags would allow her. She didn’t want Mat to have to double-park and risk getting a ticket. 

True to his word, Mat was just pulling up when she came out of the building, waving one hand and double-checking the street was clear before flipping his hazards on and hopping out to help her put her bags in the trunk. Kissing him on the cheek in thanks, Cass slid into the passenger’s side, giving Mat a very pointed look when she saw that the first song on his playlist was Justin Bieber. “Don’t make fun of me,” he mumbled, blushing. 

“Who said I’m making fun of you?” Cass said lightly, trying and failing to hide her smile. 

They had decided that Mat would make the drive, since he was only staying two nights they had figured it would make more sense. The directions had been plugged into the Bluetooth system, and they had just made it out of the city when Mat looked over at the passenger’s seat, furrowing his brow when he saw Cass’s expression. Something was bothering her. “What’s up, babe?”

She bit her lip. “Nothing.”

“C’mon, we both decided we weren’t going to do this anymore. You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to, but I think you want to talk.”

Cass looked down at her lap. “I got a letter from the company that’s handling my student loans.”

“I thought you didn’t have any debt?” Mat asked quizzically.

She let out a single, humorless laugh. “That was for undergrad, and that was only because I was really, really lucky. I got some money from the school and I worked some, but that only covered about half of my costs? A little less?” 

“Which leaves you with how much?”

“A hundred and ten thousand dollars, give or take. They were sending me the payment schedule, I have to start paying it back late next year.” 

Mat breathed out. He knew that Cass didn’t come from money, but being from Canada and not having gone to college himself, he wasn’t really aware of just how debilitating student debt could get. “Do your parents know?” He asked gently.

Cass picked at a loose thread on her scarf. “Yeah. They helped as much as they could, but there’s three of us and they’re not made of money. “I, uh,” she paused briefly, “I told you I went to private school, yeah?” Mat nodded. “Catholic school doesn’t come cheap, so I was actually on work-study at my high school, which helped a lot. But I hated it.”

“Your school?” He questioned. 

She shook her head. “No, I loved my school. It was great. I just hated feeling like a charity case. My school’s in a pretty well-off neighborhood, so most of the families there had money, and some were like proper ‘old money’ New Englanders. I had some great friends and nobody ever really outwardly was an ass about it if they knew, but still…” She trailed off.

“You felt like you never quite fit in.” Mat finished.

She nodded. “It was hard and it sucked sometimes, but that’s just how it is, I guess,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. 

Two hours later, Mat pulled into Manchester, following Cass’s directions down the winding roads and corners of her hometown. “Do you think they’ll like me?” He asked nervously, eyes flitting between Cass and the road in front of him. 

Her brow furrowed. “Who? My family?” Mat nodded. “My family’s going to love you. You’re kind and you treat me with respect. That’s all they’ve ever wanted for me. And my brother already worships the ground you walk on, practically,” she added with a smile. 

“He’s a junior, yeah?” 

“Mhm,” she responded. Cass’s younger brother Noah was a junior in high school, and one of the best players on his club hockey team. Hockey didn’t run cheap and he had been lifeguarding the past few summers to pay for it, but it was all starting to pay off and he was having some interest shown by college scouts. 

Mat pulled up beside the curb in front of her house, killing the engine and shoving the keys back into his pocket. Cass popped the trunk and took her backpack, while Mat got his duffel and her suitcase. She reached for his hand as they walked up the driveway, giving it a reassuring squeeze as she rang the doorbell. 

“Cass!” Eliana squealed, hugging as much of her sister as she could manage around the bags. “Put your bags by the door, Dad’s grilling out back and I think Mom’s making your bed.” Mat had had an afternoon game and the two had left not long after, so it was dinnertime and Cass was ravenous. “Grilling in December?” She questioned. 

Eliana shrugged, closing the door behind them. “You know Patrick, you go be the one to tell the man he can’t make burgers in the winter.” She turned to Mat, also greeting him with a hug. “You must be Mat, Cass talks about you a lot.” 

Cass swatted her. “El!”

Mat chuckled. “Yeah. Mat Barzal, nice to meet you. Good things, I hope?”

“Only the best,” Eliana said, leading them through to the back porch, where her dad was grilling on the patio while Noah was doing sprints up and down the lawn. He almost fell when he spotted Cass and Mat, causing Mat to have to hide a laugh behind his hand. Her dad turned around, setting the spatula down when he saw them. Mat swallowed, sticking out his hand for a shake. “Mat Barzal, sir.”

“Call me Patrick. Good to meet you Mat, go get settled and we should have dinner ready in a few, okay?” Mat nodded. “Noah, pick your jaw up off the floor and go help them with their things, okay?” Noah ducked his head, brushing the dirt off his shorts before jogging over to where Mat and his sisters were on the porch. 

“Do I hear my Cassidy?” Cass could hear her mom inside, walking down the hallway with Noah and Mat before she ran into her by her old bedroom. “It’s me, Mom!” Cass said excitedly, hugging her mom. Mat initially went for another handshake, but she shooed it away, embracing him. “We’re huggers in this family,” she said by way of explanation, pulling away after a moment. “Ysabel Cabrera, so nice to finally meet you, Mat.” 

Mat smiled. “It’s great to finally meet you too.”

Ysabel pointed down the hall. “Noah’s got bunk beds, so you’ll be with him in there, it’s the last door on the left. Cass, I trust you still can find your room.”

“Yes, mamá,” Cass said, rolling her eyes. “See you in a few, chou.” He kissed her on the cheek, under the watchful eye of her mom, and followed Noah down the hall. 

---

Two hour later, Mat and Cass were cuddled together on the living room couch, his arm slung around her as they half-watched reruns of Parks & Rec. “D’you just want to do presents now?” He asked, looking down at her. “Because I know we’ve got plans tomorrow, and I don’t see how it really matters if we’re not going to be together Christmas Day.”

Cass looked up. “Uh, sure, if you want?” 

“Meet you back in a minute,” Mat said, hopping off of the couch and disappearing down the hall. Cass rolled her eyes, walking into her room, grabbing the envelope, and returning to the living room. Mat got up when she entered, proudly handing her a surprisingly well-wrapped present. 

“You look very pleased with your work,” Cass noted, laughing. 

“I watched a Youtube tutorial,” Mat admitted, “but did you know that there’s so much that goes into folding neat corners? It’s practically an art!”

“I’ll take you word for it,” Cass said, handing him his envelope. “Open yours first.”

Mat sat back down, running his thumb through the flap and pulling out a coupon. He looked at it quizzically for a minute. “Beer delivery?”

“Craft beer delivery,” Cass corrected pointedly. “Because I don’t want you to have to resort to Natty Light ever again. I saw your fridge, it’s actually the worst. You need taste, babe.” Mat snorted. “And they deliver to Canada, so you don’t have to worry about missing out on the offseason.” 

“I love it, pretty girl,” Mat said, kissing her. “Now open yours.” Cass carefully popped the corners open, unfolding the wrapping paper. My Beloved World - Sonia Sotomayor. “You said once that you really admire her, and I didn’t see it on your bookshelf, so I thought you’d like it.”

“I do, I love it. I love that you remembered even more,” Cass added. 

But Mat wasn’t done. “Open it,” he said expectantly.

Confused though she was, Cass opened the cover of the book. “It’s...signed? She said softly, reverently tracing her fingers over the inscription. 

“Yeah.” Mat went on, explaining, “I found it in this little bookstore in Brooklyn, and knew I had to get it for you. Knew what it would mean to you.”

“It’s incredible. You’re incredible. I can’t believe you’d do something like that for me.” 

Their foreheads touched. “Why wouldn’t I?” Mat whispered. “It’s for you.” 

And in that moment, there was nothing anyone could do to take away how happy that made her feel. How happy he made her feel. 

[lilthreadsclothes]

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