#ive been so home sick lately
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Was in the glide path of the last solar eclipse in 2017 and will be again for the next one in 2024 - isn't the universe a funny thing?
#ive been so home sick lately#ive been feeling like the move was a mistake#but idk its kinda comforting knowing me and the moon are vibin like that#if i was superstitious id probably take it as a sign#and who knows maybe i will anyways#my momma is gunna see the eclipse from hundreds of miles away just like i will and well be connected in a way#sometimes she texts me at night to tell me to go look at the moon cuz its so pretty that night or whatever#her view isnt the exact same as mine. im in a city and shes in a small town - im sure her view is a lot clearer#but idk. its nice ya know#the moon is beautiful no matter what#and me and my momma are reminded of each other when we see it#i love my mom basically is this gist of this#rant
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guys can i be honest i have no idea what im doing
#im gonna rant real quick beware#i have no clue how to write#i hate everything i make#i hate ruining my good ideas with mediocre execution#i want to write something and be proud of it for once#im sick of opening this app and feeling like shit#where did these followers come from#ive been having insane imposter syndrome lately#i want to delete everything and RUN#im not good enough for this#ive been feeling so much pressure lately#i feel like everything needs to be 100% flawless and perfect#but i dont know what perfection looks like anymore#im so tired#this shift is killing me i want to go home#wdym i have another 2 hours#i need my bed#a nap would fix me i think#☆ . jade rants!!
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today
#they're all gone! none left now#idk what happened this week but i've been trying SO hard not to think about my nana at all#it’s just a constant don't think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it#i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up...#maybe it's because i talked to my mom and she mentioned her for a minute. neither of us know how to talk about it.#i literally can't even think about it i'll start crying.#should visit my partner's nonna and nonno... but i will cry. still we need to see nonno because he's very unwell.#i can't fucking believe i found out my nana died and then immediately went to class.#mentioned it to my professor and the whole class gasped and asked if i was okay or if i needed to leave.#but if i didn't go to class then i would have just been home alone...#crying in front of my favourite prof a few days later was... yikes. but it was okay. she felt like a grandma to all of us#she was sincerely sorry. esp because that class was called 'women and aging'#she spend the entire year telling us to ask the older women in our families their stories#and now i have none left. didn’t get to ask.#i don't know why i didn't call when i wanted to#i can't think about it#glad my mom told me that she feels totally disconnected to family too. bc lately ive felt very alone.#like my nana getting sick and dying brought them together but only for a short while.#feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one
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I have got to get worse at my job cus no way can keep letting them rely on me like this
#work tag#got on shift on Sunday and my manager pulled me aside when i clocked in to say thank god youre here i need you on front theyre an absolute#mess over there theyve got orders waiting nearly twenty minutes i need you to figure out whats going on and whip them into shape i know you#can just get all those order out right away just put them where you want them so you can clear that screen. and i did sort it in under 5#despite there having been 3 people on front before i got there which is more than enough people to deal with just 6 orders and yet#and today several people called in sick and one of my managers asked if i wanted some extra hours i said depends when she was like just#until ten tonight which is only an extra hour later than i finish but ive already expressed im not comfortable finishing at 9 for only a#8 hour shift cus its an hour walk back and thats far to go by myself in the dark but i agreed anyway one of my other managers then asked if#i was okay to get home if i stayed that late cus obviously there must be a reason i dont usually stay that late i was like im only walking#so it doesnt really matter but it is gonna be late to be walking back but its fine manager then comes back again and asks if i could stay#til 11 ive only done an 11 once before when they were understaffed again and she did the same but i was wary to agree to the 11 cus thats#reeeally late to be doing such a long walk by myself again other manager is like you dont have to agree to anything youre not comfortable#with then argued to the manager that ive got to walk home and i shouldnt stay however im thinking it over as i make my break and approach#the actual shift runner for this evening and suggest i stay until 12 instead cus thats when my work bestie is finishing and if we finish at#the same time i can then walk back with her instead of just doing the 10 and honestly i need the hours but i shouldnt be so relied on tbh
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My legs (mostly my thighs and hips) are hurting pretty bad right now. They've been hurting a little bit throughout the week, but it's really bad tonight. I just took some acetaminophen but I don't have high hopes of it doing anything, it rarely does. I'm hoping this passes and doesn't become my new normal ._.
#every time things get worse i worry they will be like that forever#i miss my prescription painkillers 😭#they gave me ulcers so i cant take them anymore but nothing else works :((#voltaren hurts to apply because it is cold and idk how to warm it up beforehand and it also doesnt really do much for me either ._.#ive also been having a migraine on and off all week 😭#now that the barbie hype has left my body. all i have is the agonies. woagh.#idk if i can do dance on tuesday if this keeps up :(#i see my doc soon to go over my (STILL OCCURING AND UNDIAGNOSED) heart problems.#hopefully she has good news about the cardiology referral. its been months of silence and theyve already rejected me once ._.#ive had a rough week. even though i live with my family i dont get a lot of help because they are all busy all the time#and i dont qualify for home care. ive tried.#im so exhausted physically and emotionally. i dont even care if im sick forever. i just want help ._.#also my family has gotten lax about masking and staying home and ive been sick for weeks. just a general sick. not covid or even a cold.#im so tired ._.#it is 4am so it might be the late night blues but man. its rough rn.#batty blogging#text
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Hate when you're reading a new fic and on the latest chapter there's a plot choice you're not fond of, and you love the rest of the fic so if there were more chapters past that unfortunate plot choice you could keep going and get over the bitterness, but there isn't, so now you have to fight back the negative association until the next chapter comes out and pray that it doesn't win and make you hate the fic for no god damn reason
#WHY are associations so strong for me#they hold so much power#its like if bias was a moron and had no fucking clue what it was doing#is it an autism thing? thats the only explanation i can think of#anyway now im bummed because i was using the fic to reset my mind after getting home since i was enjoying it but it left me on a bad note#and thus not only defeated the point of reading it but made me feel worse than i did before#to be fair ive been highkey Sensitive lately its been easy to get on my nerves and overstimulate me#i dont WANT this fic to be tainted by association the rest of it was fun#yeah im tired of people using that one specific plot device (like im capital T TIRED)#but ive seen it enough times that i should be able to ignore it#okay but seriously can the danny phantom fandom STOP using the GIW im so fucking sick of them#its like people forget that in the source material theyre useless dumbasses#i know what fandom this is i dont care if theyre made smart every now and then canon is fake anyway#BUT I SEE THEM IN EVERY FUCKING FIC#SO MANY FICS IN A ROW#FUCKING STOOOOOP
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every day on this trip is worse
#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't#she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter#and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip#and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left#i am just. so over this#any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry#and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring#bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again#like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever#but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show#them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare#and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there#are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse#and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd#and gets pissy if i dont want to#and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore#i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit#travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own#let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains#and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere#i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get#to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing#its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back#but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day#negative cw#rant cw#ask to tag cw
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hey what if i like, didn't have a headache right now. that idea sounds cool we should do that idea.
#the bin#ack. i cant like. do anything.#i want to draw right now but i cant cause of this :/#the screen hurts my eyes and the leaning over makes it worse. and the leaning from traditional art is SO BAD.#hhh. i hope it will go away soon but i dont think it will. im feeling stomach sick too so i cant take ibuprofen either. sad.#i didnt end up getting to call my mom yesterday. i was SO tired probably because i had a 2 hour panic attack and it was past when#id been going to sleep anyway so i fell asleep. today should be more idea bc i stayed in bed till kinda late.#im really nervous. theres other stuff stressing me too like lending a bunch of money to my sister again. i dont have a lot right now and i#will need some extra for moving costs regardless of if i stay here or get to go home. supposedly she will return it in a week#its not for her technically. its for her boyfriends rent. if it was for her i probably wouldnt have tbh bc she sucks SO MUCH about this#stuff. i do have the money and i get it. i dont know him but its not a problem for me as long as i get it back very soon#ive lent a couple smaller amounts to him before and he was quick to get it back. and he always offers to send back more which i dont care#about but like. he gets that im not REALLY in a position to be able to do this. im still stressed the fuck out tho.#my body hurts so bad all the time. im glad i get time off this week but god damn.#i was gonna use it to clean but idk if my body is gonna let me. well. at least one of the days it will have to.#i hope i get good news today when i talk to her. i wanna stop having to stress so bad about this
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trying to figure out how tf I'm gonna get home from this gig next week..
#doors open 7 and they only have 1 support so i would expect support to be on at 8 and the main act at 9 but it finishes at 11......#but id need to leave around 10pm to catch the last train home if i miss that im fuuuucked#but that might mean missing out on most of their set if they dont start until 9:30 or later :(#ahhhhh#i have a friend who still lives in that city so maybe ill ask them if they could put me up for a night..... hmm#i think they live a fair distance from the venue tho.. if i miss some of it i miss some of it i guess. its not the end of the world#they HAVR announced new dates for next year and theyre playing in my current city so maybe. i could resell these tix#and just go see them in february instead#WAIT. THE ONE IN FEB IS LITERALLY 10 MINS WALK FROM MY FLAT ??????#what the fuck. well i might as well just do that then lmaooo#saves me buying train tickets too#theres a gig w 4 post punk bands next week that i also really wanna go to bc one of the bands i LOVEEE but i think id run into the same-#problem travelling there ARGHHHH#so fucking annoying cuz its a tiny venue (~200 capacity) so rly intimate and they have such good sound there ive been before#and the band i love is relatively small and canadian so the odds of them playing here again are slim to none so 😭😭😭😭#ill check the venue page maybe theyll end a bit earlier so its feasible. maaaannn#i havent been to enough live music lately i rly need to get back into it#theres a jmath band ive seen before on tour again i think they hit my city in a couple weeks so might go to that they were sick last time#we will SEE#anyway lunchtime baby#.diaries
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#going to mention panick attacks later#fanz.txt#so i've been feeling sick for a while#like since October?? i was a little vetter in November but i think since late january#there hasnt been a week in which i havent felt sick at least twice ??#got like pretty bad i had to leave uni home earlier than i planned to to go home#went to a heart doctor but things are fine apparently#and then i got another terrible sick day and i was so sick my parents had to come get me at 2am (they got here around 4)#so like idk what it is but one of like the biggest option ?? like is ✨ anxiety ✨#my mom is convinced ive been having panic attacks and i went to my old therapist and she also said they could be panic attacks#but i dont get it why would i be getting panic attacks LIKE miss ma'am what are you doing#anyways i dont know i dont understand but i am once again sick and i wanted to share my story w someone jdjdj
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i bring a kind of seeing love in everything vibe to the small things in life that pessimists dont really like
#shut up sir#it really is the small things in life that make you so loved from people you know who love you and those who you didnt expect#started w my bfs mom asking me what i wanted for my birthday <- didnt think i was that deep into the family to get gifts from them#khatz sent me birthday gifts 🥺#ive been sick the last couple days and my bf has taken care of me#i had to go to work sick and one of my fav coworkers put some ice cubes in my tea so i wouldnt burn myself trying to drink it on my way home#max took care of dinner reservations for tomorrow for me for late birthday celebrations#emily also sent me some small birthday things 😭#just feeling a lot of love this last week man dont touch me#even regulars at work are like 'feel better soon!!' and my coworkers are like 'andi thanks for doing your best even when sick'
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#personal#rant#ive been getting real sick of my partner's shit lately#ive been working 60+ hour weeks including 8hrs in a call centre job i hate#to give my him the extra money to pay off the credit card and get savings for our long-planned japan trip#and ive done most of the housework too and he doesnt do a single thing#i told him to message his parents 3 times to confirm the time im booking our dinner and he looked at me like i asked him to murder a puppy#i asked him to finish loading the dishwasher i 80% filled and start it and guess fucking what#yesterday i came home and before i could put down the groceries i had to pick up all the food packages he left all over the kitchen counter#im getting real tempted to move out after our trip so he can learn to be more self-sufficient
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why do i still feel like i have a cold after 3 whole weeks? :( guess this is what i get for spending hours everyday in freezing temperatures by choice but still
#ack. i just. feel super awful all the time and my throat hurts so bad now :(#i think this latest cold is significantly worse than the previous 2 ugh#idk. maybe its just my body not handling the cold well be either way its a sickness even if its not caused by bacteria but it might be that#being in cold temperatures kills like a crazy amount of the bacteria in your nose that helps keep you from getting sick so it makes sense#that id be getting sick repeatedly simce ive been in very cold temperatures a lot lately so if theres anything around im more likely to get#sick from it. it could also very well be my body struggling just bc its been in the cold a lot too tho. its not really important which one#ugh. i still havent been able to get to the store bc of unexpected super icy roads and sidewalks. i stumble a lot so i think maybe its a#bad idea to walk to the store when everything is covered in ice. i also very likely cant even get a bus bc theyve not been running as often#bc of the ice so id prob have to walk home too#i guess waiting wont kill me but i want one asap. its still definitely better to just wait instead of walking there while its freezing and#probably make myself more sick
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I’m very sorry for your loss and hope that you and your family are doing okay. ❤️
Thank you - I really appreciate it <3 and we're doin' okay now <3 it was just a lot all at once bc my youngest had just turned 1, too, when that happened so I wasn't really able to start processing it right away.
#answers for anons#it was weird and ah tw for pregnancy and miscarriage talk in the tags#didnt wanna go into it on the main ask cus idk if you or anyone would even wanna hear about this stuff???#but anyway yeah#it started like late night/early morning before my little one's birthday party#and that was. an experience.#having to just be like 'ohyeah im fine its fine nothings wrong' to everyone#and then excusing myself to the bathroom a million times to handle things#most everyone there didnt know about the pregnancy and the few that did assumed it was morning sickness until i told them later on#couldn't really cancel the party tho cus it was already hell and a half to schedule and get everyone there that we wanted there#and it would be A Lot to try and explain why we had to cancel so last minute to everyone#(...despite my husband's best efforts to convince me otherwise but. like. idk. i just didnt wanna deal with all the questions y'know?)#so the processing stage didnt actually hit until later bc i shoved teh fact that it was even happening so far back in my brain#then it all hit at once like a week and a half later kinda out of nowhere#so that was also fun#luckily i have a great therapist that got me in like same-day#and also a great husband that came home from work early to take care of kiddos#and y'know ive been processing and working it out since then#i might have written some bad poetry and also some fanfiction to help come to terms with it#debating on if iw anna post the fanfic or not#idk if itd be well received or just seem like im looking for attention/sympathy#ehh whatever ill figure it out and i will stop rambling in thet ags now lmao#oops
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duejfqqjsworkarkr-ep1-10
여덟번째감각 드라마 다시보기 1화-10화 (완결)