#luckily i have a great therapist that got me in like same-day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dumbass-tumbler-cryptid · 7 months

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What if Quaritch tried as a last resort to regain custody and miraculously succeeded when Spider was 15? It's very, very unrealistic, but let's assume that if there was a change of judge or he would be able to bribe someone. So he has legal custody, he can live with his son legally and not cut off from the world. How would everything go then? How would Spider react if he suddenly found out that after so many years of running away he was going to live with his father, what would their relationship be like then?

Oh I’ve got ideas for this so this is going to be a long one. It became a whole au in my head.

So for starters i don’t think Quaritch getting custody back would be unrealistic. If you read the last chapter of cabin Quaritch showed Spider that his court ordered therapist was Max Patel. That would be a huge conflict of interest so with a good lawyer Quaritch could bring that to court and demand a re trial with a new judge.

I’ll change the Cabin timeline a little and say Spider was 14 when he started living with the Sully’s. He’s about to turn 15 when surprise the court gives his father back full custody. Spider tells the judge flat out he doesn’t want to live with him but the judge doesn’t care. The judge views what happened to Quaritch years ago as a miscarriage of justice that he is now correcting.

On moving day Spider runs away. Quaritch calls the cops on him to bring him to his new home. It’s definitely not a great start. His eyes are red and there’s dried tears on his face but Spider glares daggers at him no matter what Quaritch does and never says a word. That’s generally how things go every day for weeks, even on Spider’s birthday when Quaritch tried to throw him a party. Spider just looked at the set up and walked out, hiding in his room to FaceTime with Kiri and Lo’ak.

Quaritch refuses to call Spider by his chosen name and Spider refuses to call him dad. Spider ignores Quaritch if he calls him Miles or Junior. Quaritch does the same when Spider calls him old man. Spider used to call him a fucking bastard ass old man but that got him grounded, so Spider stopped. He didn’t want to be forced to stay in that house any longer then he had to.

Luckily for Spider he didn’t have to change schools in the middle of the year. Neytiri raised hell to get him enrolled in the same private school as the Sully’s and he loves it there. Coincidently it’s the exact school Quaritch would have sent him to if given a choice so he approves. Unfortunately their house is to far out for a bus to pick him up so Spider’s old man has to drop him off and pick him up everyday. Quaritch purposely tries to embarrass him by shouting “bye son I love you!” Spider slams the door and yells “I fucking hate you get out of here!”

Spider’s first week of school after moving in with his dad, he decided to fuck with Quaritch by not telling him about his after school clubs. After ten minutes of waiting Quaritch started to blow up Spider’s phone with calls and texts. Spider had his phone on silent and didn’t even notice. After another ten minutes Quaritch stormed into the school shouting Spider’s given name through the halls for everyone to hear. Spider pops out of the art room looking mortified. “What are you doing.” Quaritch who was terrified answers, “lookin’ for you a ‘course! Y’a couldn’t have told me you were in a club! Y’a didn’t answer your phone. I was worried sick!” The worse part for Spider wasn’t that he got yelled at in front of his classmates. It was that he could tell just how concerned his father had been over him and it makes him feel incredibly guilty. After that Spider always tells Quaritch about his after school activities.

Months go by. Spider slightly warms up to his dad but he’s still super standoffish. He goes over to the Sully’s house every chance he gets. Quaritch hates it. He won’t let Spider spend the night there or even eat dinner with the Sully’s because of how jealous he is. And Spider gets so angry every time Quaritch shows up to collect him, fighting to stay, arguing all the way home, running off to his room slamming the door behind him. It makes Quaritch think that maybe - it’s time they move.

Quaritch asks Spider, “what do y’a think of taken a little road trip this summer? We could get a camper van. go to all the national parks, see some big landmarks..

“I’m good.” Spider doesn’t want to spend his summer locked in a van with his father far away from the Sullys.

“Well too damn bad then ‘cause that’s what we’re doin’.” It’s a huge fight between them for weeks. Spider runs off the day he gets home and sees their shiny new camper van in the driveway. Quaritch hunts him down dragging him back kicking and screaming. Spider refuses to pack as their departure date draws closer. Quaritch does it all for him while he’s at school with Spider coming home to a near empty room, a room so empty it looked like they were moving completely and not just going on vacation. Spider brushes it off as one of his father’s punishments.

Spider is told that they’ll be leaving a few days after school lets out. So he’s completely shocked to see his father waiting for him in their usual pick up spot, driving the camper van. “You told me we were leaving in a few days!” Quaritch just shrugs, “I did. But then I got to thinkin’ what are we waitin’ for! We hit the road now we can be across state lines by dinner.” “But the Sully’s are having a party to celebrate the end of the semester! Grandma Mo’at finally back and I haven’t gotten to see her yet, and I haven’t even said goodbye to my friends!” Quaritch waves him off, “that’s what phones are for. Now get in before I put you in.”

The trip starts off very tense. Spider won’t speak to him at all, but he will have very pointed very loud phone conversations with Kiri and Lo’ak just trash talking Quaritch the entire time. Quaritch turns his dad rock up as high as the stereo will go, making Spider have to shout. When they finally stop for the night they have a quiet agitated dinner outside. Spider is so tired from it all that he’s falling asleep sitting up. Quaritch takes the opportunity to swipe his phone. After Spider goes to bed Quaritch chucks it in the river. Spider notices it’s gone when he wakes up the next morning. Unfortunately for him Quaritch had already been driving for hours. “I can’t find my phone. I think I dropped it outside last night.” “Well what do y’a want me to do about it?” “Turn around!” “Pff, i’m not wastin’ time ‘cause your irresponsible. Now sit down and go eat breakfast or something.”

Spider is pissed but at least he has his laptop he thinks as he starts looking through his stuff. Only to not find it anywhere. “Where’s my laptop.” “How should I know.” “You packed all my shit!” “Yeah well if y’a wanted it so badly y’a should have packed it yourself!” Quaritch in fact left his laptop behind on purpose. Now Spider has no way of contacting the Sully’s.

Spider tries his best to act like he’s completely miserable, but he can’t pretend for long. He hates to admit it but him and his dad have similar ideas of fun, spending days camping and exploring national parks, doing things like zip lining, and exploring caves. They do more touristy things too, like visiting museums (Quaritch loves history museums while Spider prefers art museums) and major landmarks (though they both agree to go early as possible to avoid the crowds at all cost). Early on Spider gets the idea to send the Sully’s postcards so they at least know he’s okay. He has to sneak away from Quaritch to mail them but luckily public mailboxs are pretty easy to come by. It helps him feel better about everything and gradually he actually starts to bond with his dad to the point where it starts to feel like they’re a completely normal father and son.

The summer starts to draw to an end. Spider has been happy with his dad but he’s eager to get home and see the Sully’s. He misses them so much. Plus traveling is exhausting. He can’t wait to sleep in a bed that doesn’t change states ever few days. Spider expects that they’ll turn around soon because they keep going west when they live on the east coast. He’s about to question Quaritch about it when they reach Wyoming. Nothing interesting is in Wyoming so why are they here? They pass by nothing but farmland for hours until finally they pull off the road eventually coming to a small farm. It looks really nice, rustic and inviting. When they stop a bald man, who Quaritch introduces as Spider’s uncle Lyle, greats them at the door along with a boarder collie that races right up to Spider jumping all over him in excitement. Spider instantly loves the pup who he’s told is named Cupcake.

Lyle gives them the grand tour. The farm grows tons of different fruits and vegetables. There a dairy cow grazing in a field, chickens scurrying about in a large fenced in patch of grass, two horses - a father and his son - chilling in the barn, and a barn cat that catches mice. Spider also instantly falls in love with the cat picking him up and cradling him. Spider likes the farm a lot. It’s peaceful. At dinner Spider says, “this is a really nice place Lyle.” “Glad you like.” He says smirking. “By the way cap, I’m gonna head out at five tomorrow morning. I want to get back home in time for my daughter’s first day of school.” Spider gives him a questioning look, “isn’t this your home?” Lyle laughs in his face, “no it’s your home.” He might as well have slapped him. He turns to Quaritch, “what is he talking about?”

Quaritch sighs, “I got a job offer.” “What do you need a job for! I thought you were fucking loaded from all the settlement money the courts gave you!” “I am. But do y’a know how boring it is being a stay at home dad…”. “Oh boohoo get a job as a Walmart greeter like all the other retirees. You fucking planned this all summer - hell before that even, and you never thought to tell me!” “Hell no! I wanted us to enjoy our summer together..” “fuck you! This..this is fucking kidnapping.” “Pff..stop being so dramatic. We just moved that’s all.” “And you fucking lied about it!” Spider runs from the table not able to stand the sight of his father any longer.

Days later when Quaritch finally catches Spider as he’s trying to sneak down to the kitchen, he explains what going to happen. He was offered a job (a lie. He applied for it) as vice principal at Mercer’s Military Academy. It’s a semi-boarding school twenty minutes away. And Spider’s the school’s newest student. He flips his shit, “a fucking military academy! Why can’t I just go to the nearest public school!” “Because it’s an hour and half away! Plus you get free tuition as my son.” “I’m not fucking going.” “Yes you are.” “You can’t make me!” “Yes I can!” “I’m going to get myself expelled on the fist day!” Quaritch laughs, “good luck with that.”

At some point in Spider’s brooding Quaritch tosses his new schools rule book into his room. Spider reads it to get ideas for how to raise hell. Of course he’ll be breaking all the dress code rules which go on at length about the exact why he’s supposed to wear his uniform (neat at all times, no customizations no rips or tears) and the strict guidelines for how he’s supposed to wear his hair (for boys it’s a tapered style of any kind as long it doesn’t touch his ears or the top of his collar). He will definitely be disrespecting every adult, especially his father. He can’t wait to embarrass him so bad he regrets the day he reapplied for custody. Maybe he’ll start a food fight. Maybe he’ll find the school bully and start a real fight. Hell if they deserve it maybe he’ll hit a teacher. Or just his dad. He really wants to punch his dad.

The weekend before the start of school Quaritch takes him into town- which is a whole two hours away- to get his new uniform. Spider is uncooperative as ever, refusing to stand still to get his measurements taken to the point where Quaritch has to hold him in place. After hours of wrestling with his son an exhausted Quaritch pays for the uniforms. The store manager who is equally tired looks at the disgruntled teen and say to Quaritch, “I see why you choose military school.” Spider hears and storms out.

He’s expecting to go home now but instead Quaritch parks the car in front of a barber shop. “I don’t know why your stopping here because I’m sure as hell not getting out.” Quaritch turns to look at him his rage palpable. “Now you listen here. Y’a have some grand idea of gettin’ expelled, but that ain’t gonna happen. Mercer loves a challenge. He loves taking disrespectful, unruly, feral little monsters like you and breaking them to pieces. And the harder you make that, the more fun he’ll have. So I suggest you march in there right now, pick a haircut you can live with,then Sunday night you shine your shoes, iron your uniform and get your tie ready. Or else Monday morning when you walk through those doors lookin’ like your little punk ass self, Mercer will drag you to his office and after that…well choices have consequences.” Spider bristles under the warning but doesn’t break. “I’ll take my chances.” “Fine,” Quaritch says throwing the car in reverse, “I warned y’a. just don’t come crying to me.”

Monday morning Spider does his hair in intricate braids, wears his most ripped frayed pair of jeans, dirtiest sneakers, and a band t-shirt that would definitely get him called a satanist by a pearl clutching old lady. He’s beaming with confidence as he walks into the kitchen. Quaritch eyes him over his newspaper and just shakes his head. Before they leave he puts Spider’s uniform in a plastic bag knowing he’ll need it for later.

You already know what’s coming. Mercer drags Spider into his office on sight. In the office two muscler upperclassman are standing at attention waiting for orders. Mercer tries to verbally intimidate Spider. Spider just cusses up a storm instead. For that he gets grabbed by the upperclassman and bent over Mercer’s desk for some corporal punishment with a wooden paddle. It doesn’t end until he’s a sobbing mess. Then Mercer breaks out the clippers. There’s a guard on them leaving Spider with about an inch of length all around. Mercer doesn’t bother to undo his braids. They all come off in one piece and Mercer seems to take pleaser in waving them in his face taunting him over the “savage” style. Then he’s made to change into his uniform. Spider’s glassy eyed and numb by this point. Mercer and his goons don’t give him the courtesy of turning around, making Spider feel even more vulnerable then he already did. the last piece of his uniform is his tie but he doesn’t know how to knot it. Mercer laughs at him throwing it in his face. “Go find your father. He’ll show you.”

Spider’s in a daze as he stumbles around the halls completely shell shocked. He sees the back of Quaritch as he’s monitoring the halls for anyone out of class. “Da..dad,” Spider calls weakly. Quaritch whips around. It’s the first time Spider has ever called him dad and he is momentarily thrilled before he looks at his son. Quaritch is instantly filled with overwhelming guilt as he takes in his child. “I…I need help…I…I can’t tie my tie.” Spider hold it up like he’s a small child with a broken toy.

Quaritch ushers him into an unused classroom. “What happened,” he asks cupping Spider’s face to make him look up. Spider shakes his head before bursting into tears. Quaritch pulls him into a hug. “How could you do this to me! I was starting to trust you! I actually thought we could be happy! Why did you lie to me! How could you bring me here!” “I’m sorry,” is all Quaritch can say, over and over again. When Spider’s cries finally quiet Quaritch says, “all I ever wanted was to be a family again. I love you more then anything in this whole world. Not a day went by when I didn’t worry about y’a. I couldn’t know if you were safe, if you were healthy, if you were happy. It was torture. I was so relieved to get you back. But y’a wouldn’t even give me a chance. You hated me from the jump. Y’a just ran off to be with the Sully’s every day.” Spider and Quaritch are still hugging but Spider can hear that his dad is crying. “I’m big enough of a man to admit that I was jealous. And it hurt to have you constantly running away from me. But I was selfish to do all this to you.” They stay in their hug for a little while longer until they both feel the weight of time on them. They break apart, and wipe their eyes. Quaritch ties Spider’s tie for him. “We’ll talk more about this tonight okay. For now y’a got to get to class.”

Spider floats through the morning too emotionally drained from everything. At lunch he doesn’t really have an appetite but goes through the motions anyway. It’s when he’s walking the room, looking for a place to sit that he spots a group of five kids sitting in the farthest corner of the room. Spider instantly recognizes the tell tail features of the Na’vi. He races to sit with them happily greeting them with Oel Ngati Kameie.

Hope you enjoyed. I definitely have ideas for a part two so let me know if your interested in that 💙

#spider socorro #miles spider socorro #miles quaritch #colonel miles quaritch #john mercer

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askthefizzyfactory · 2 months

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MEET THE FIZZBOTS

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Model: Therapist Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4'6" // he/him it/its they/them

Nicknames: “Therapist Fizzy”, “Thizzy”, "TF-1856"

Location: Sloth Ring

Function: I provide therapy for hellborne in one of the newer clinics Mammon has opened up in the Sloth Ring, a wing of a larger hospital called the “Fizzy Clinic”. I work alongside many other fizzies at this place. I mainly do psych-evaluations of other fizzies, somehow this has become my priority... I’ll be providing the profiles of the following fizzies after me.

History: I’ve been working here for a couple of years by now, I’m still around so I must be doing something right.

Behaviour: I like to think that I’m straight to the point. I’m not here to sugar-coat things for you, if you’ve got a problem I’ll tell you, you can have the drugs you came here for, then get out of my hair. Some say I ask too many questions, but it’s what I’m supposed to do, so… cry about it.

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Model: Doctor Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4'6" // he/him it/its they/them

Nicknames: “Doctor Fizzy”, “Doc”

Location: Sloth Ring

Function: Does first aid, surgeries, dentist work, assigns medicine and whatever else might be needed to keep you in good(?) health. I wouldn’t say he’s great at what he does though…

History: Me and Doc go way back, we got booted up the same day. It’s always been a hard worker, but I would claim that it doesn’t put quality over quantity. Then again, that’s not part of our policy. This health care is cheap, and he just wants to have fun…

Behaviour: I don’t know. It’s probably the happiest fizzy I’ve ever met, the energy it possesses rivals that of the Loo Loo Land fizzy. I wouldn’t trust this guy with my pen, let alone have him mess around with my insides… Luckily for me, that’s not something I have to worry about. He seems to think we’re best friends, which is starting to become a problem. He’s extremely… clingy. I don't think he's fully reached sentience... perhaps it's better that way.

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Model: Companion Bot Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4'6" // any pronouns, but has a preference for she/her

Nicknames: “Maid Fizzy”, “Mizzy”

Location: Pride Ring

Function: Companionship

History: Used to belong to an imp called Burnie Burnz. When found after said imp’s sudden death at Mammon’s Clown Pageant, the model was nearly broken beyond repair. Memory Card has been mostly wiped of the past experience to prevent inability to perform its tasks.

Current Situation: Belongs to a self-proclaimed “otaku”-sinner in the Pride Ring who got her on sale, playing the role of his maid, dress up doll, sex toy and servant in every way. While the life of a companion fizzy isn’t easy, she… seems relatively at peace since her owner always spoils it rotten, despite being a basement-dweller.

Behaviour: Overly chipper and excitable, bordering on concerning. It called itself “kawaii”? Despite this, the bot is very obedient, and its owner doesn’t have any complaints. Satisfied customers is what it’s all about. However, we do regular check ups on it to make sure that no memories resurface…

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Model: Caretaker Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4'6" // any pronouns works

Nicknames: “Caretaker Fizzy”, “Ginger”, “Fuzzy”

Location: Imp City

Function: Main tasks include watching over infants, babies, toddlers and children, as well as chaperoning teenagers. Can also help out at home with things such as cooking, buying groceries, wait in line for you, cleaning, giving your teenagers “the talk”, drive them around, etc etc.

History: Belongs to a large imp/hellhound family with a mom and dad who’re barely there, 1 baby, 1 toddler, 3 children and 2 teenagers. This bot has been working for them for over a year already.

Behaviour: Neurotic and overworked, we’re looking into booking an appointment with this fizzy before it snaps like a rubber band, but it always says there’s no time. I’d avoid this one to be safe, she has a temper.

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Model: Undertaker Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 6'6" // he/him it/its

Nicknames: “Undertaker Fizzy”, “Undertaker”, “Mortis”, “Mort”

Location: Wrath Ring

Function: Its main function is to handle and bury the remains of hellborne that have passed away, a job not many in hell consider necessary. While it’s mainly working in Wrath, the place where many casualties happen to take place, it can be rented out to handle autopsies, preparations for funerals, and burying bodies on both bigger and smaller scales in other rings as well.

History: There’s not much to say. It buries bodies and holds funerals in Satan’s name. It’s seen a lot of gruesome shit, and it’s not really shaken by the deaths of the breathing anymore, if it ever was. It’s got a job to do, and if you just let it get it done with an occasional smoke break, he’ll be riding off not soon after.

Behaviour: Keeps things brief. Doesn’t say more than needed. He seems stable, one of the very few fizzies I can say that about. A model employee if you will.

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Model: Original model was an Office Fizzy, it has been vastly modified at this point

Height // Pronouns: 6'1" // he/him it/its they/them

Nicknames: “Manager Fizzy”, “The Manager”, “Bozzy” amongst certain fizzies (like me)

Location: Lust Ring as well as the Greed Ring

Function: The manager at the “Fizzy Factory”, he used to excel at guiding new Fizzies to their stations, give them the information they needed to integrate into society as a companion bot or other, and handled all the paperwork that comes with it. Now it mostly does the latter. While the factory is located in Lust, it belongs to Asmodeus, and Mammon drives the production forward, he’s the one in charge of the factory itself at this point.

History: Having proven itself as reliable, it has a hand in almost every part of the factory, and has history working directly under Mammon. It is one of the older models, once part of the office that handled the paperwork or any kind of law suits coming in. I’ve heard some call him “Ratty” for “Office Rat” at some point… but I never saw that fizzy again.

Behaviour: I’d rather not go into some kind of psychoanalyzing of this guy… but I can tell you that he’s smug, confident, efficient, and a condescending prick. I think he thinks he owns every fizzy out there… or something more paternal… here I go, asking too many questions again. Just pray you don't get him knocking at your door, asking you to return a fizzy whose contract has been breached. He has his ways to get what he wants. To say he's unhappy with Fizzarolli's retirement is an understatement.

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Model: Factory Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4’ // they/them, secondary he/him. Does not appreciate it/its the slightest.

Nicknames: “Factory Fizzy”, “FF-8842”, “88”, “4-2”

Location: Lust Ring

Function: Produces, assembles and ships out new fizzies to the public, albeit production has been put on hold as of writing this. They may be called in to do maintenance on other fizzies that arrive to the factory if needed, and scrap them if that is required as well.

History: This particular fizzy is barely a month old by the time I’m writing this, and there’s not much to say about its… their experiences. They have only ever known the inside of the factory, and, most likely, it will remain that way. Unless it finally gets scrapped, that is.

Behaviour: Eyes cast down. Shoulders held high. Seems displeased with their situation at the factory. Nothing new. The Manager tells me that they’re asking too many questions though, and that their production quota wasn't as high as the others’… so we’re looking into that.

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Model: Loo Loo Land Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 6' // he/him it/its they/them

Nicknames: "Fizzy", "Robo Fizz", "Loo Loo Fizzy"... but those who ask his name when Mammon isn't looking, will get the name "Pinwheel". Considering he's not active anymore... it doesn't really matter what you call him now.

Location: Greed Ring, specifically the remains "Loo Loo Land"

Function: Singing and dancing, entertaining kids, and performing various circus tricks for an audience. It's more athletic than the average fizzy-model, more sturdy and durable, and has a built in security-program that it utilises during and after hours, to make sure that no demons with nefarious intentions cause problems at the park. Unfortunately... this very robot caused plenty of problems all on its own.

History: LLLF-001 was the very first fizzy model to be presented to the public. About a decade old, it was once a novelty you could only see at Loo Loo Land. These days, anybody can get a fizzy, especially after the big blow out sale... yet this fizzy remained at the park, until he took the place down with him, together with an unknown imp. Where he is now... beats me. He was already falling apart before the destruction of the park... Well, I could not care less. I hope he's dead.

Behaviour: LLLF-001 is, in the lack of any other word... rancid. He's energetic and violent, has no limits or reservations on how to treat the guests of the park, and he's quick to insults and making a joke out of you, even if he's the only one laughing. Some children and demons found him entertaining from afar, because they simply did not know better. This bot hates everyone... but then... after falling into disrepair in a park for 10 years... I genuinely can't say that I blame him.

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Model: Advertisement and Seller Fizzy

Height // Pronouns: 4'6" // he/him they/them it/its

Nicknames: "Ad Fizzy", "Andrzej", "Addy", "Andy", "Anaconda" it doesn't matter what you call him, he's not picky, he'll answer to insults as well I've noticed.

Location: Primarily the Greed Ring, however he will frequent whatever Ring he needs to record or make sales in

Function: Makes commercials, infomercials and so on to sell Mammon's products when Mammon is not available to record. TV, radio, it doesn't matter, if you hear a very nasal fizzy with a lazy New York accent, then it's Andrzej talking. His focus is mainly on the fizzies, and he also runs auctions for pre-owned fizzies. He has been Very busy during the Blow Out Sale, the Fizzy merchandise will be selling for years even if nothing new is produced, and fizzies are being returned and sold at lower prices left and right right now. He'll have plenty to do until the very last fizzy in hell shuts down.

History: Despite being one of the oldest fizzies out there, the only one I can think of rivalling him being the Loo Loo model by a few months maybe..there's not much to say about him. He's been doing this for so long, and he hasn't changed much since the beginning of it all. He's still an absolute drag to talk to. It's almost admirable.

Behaviour: Ugh... Andrzej is known to never stand still and never shut up. Yes, I am aware that most fizzies are like this... but this guy is just something else. He is always trying to sell you something, be it the latest merch, pre-owned Fizzarolli sex-toys, fizzies for consumers, or even trying to get fizzies to ask for upgrades from their owners. Despite being steeped in the business-side of Greed however, he doesn't have the same venom that Greed-fizzies like the Manager have... I think, despite everything, he's managed to remain himself for so long, without losing himself to the misery of what it means to be a fizzy.

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#meet the fizzies #profiles

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mythoughtsbysms · 1 year

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Next Stage

Do not repost this post. This is my original work.

TW: patterns involving food and dieting.

When you both went inside the building where you live, people were staring at you and Matt as you both were walking to your apartment. Luckily, there weren’t too many eyes on you but it was enough that it made you anxious thinking they were going to tell someone.

You got to your door and unlocked it. Matt followed you inside and commented on how beautiful and welcoming your home appeared. You thanked him and went towards the kitchen to grab some homemade treats. You told Matt he was welcome to sit on the couch while you get things ready and offered him a drink.

Y/N: Hey, you are welcome to sit on the couch while I get things ready. Do you want something to drink? Water? Sparking Water? Tea?

Matt: Thanks! I would like some water, please.

Y/N: I’ll get that for you.

You brought him a glass of iced water and went back into the kitchen to grab some food. You grabbed your homemade pumpkin scones, almond butter cookies, and chocolate peanut butter cups. These were your favorite treats and you were very excited to share them with Matt. You checked them to make sure they were good even though they were frozen the moment they were done baking. You doubled and triple-checked and when you saw that they were good, you placed the pumpkin scones and almond butter cookies in the toaster oven to heat up while the chocolate peanut butter cups were thawing.

Matt snuck up behind you to see how you were doing since you were taking a little bit.

Matt: Hey. Is everything okay in here?

Y/N: Hey. Yeah. Everything is okay here. Why do you ask?

Matt: You were taking a little bit and wanted to make sure you were okay.

Y/N: Oh okay. I was just seeing what I have and checking to make sure they were good even though I froze them the day I baked them. Checking makes me feel better especially if I have guests over.

Matt seemed a little worried and pushed you further to get more information out of you.

Matt: Is there a reason you check your food?

Y/N: I’m scared of getting sick and mold makes me very nervous and scared to eat that food. I’m deathly afraid of vomiting and nausea. Every time I eat, I have to check the heck out of my food because if I don’t I get too scared to eat.

Matt: I’m so sorry you go through that daily. Is there anything I can do?

Y/N: No, don’t worry! I’m currently seeing a therapist and working on trusting my gut and trusting that the food I’m going to eat will not make me sick.

Matt: Okay. I’m glad you reached out for help. Will you at least let me know if you need help in any way?

Y/N: Yes, I’ll reach out to you if I need help.

Matt proceeds to stay in the kitchen with you and sees the treats you have on the counter and in the toaster oven. You tell them what they are and what they are made of. You found these recipes online by searching “healthy [ insert treat of choice ]” online. However, you hate the word “healthy” being used because food is food and you still see the treat as a treat. Almost as if the word healthy vilifies the original food.

You tell Matt and Matt agrees with you. Since meeting Matt, you felt like you have known him your whole life even though it's been 3-4 days. It’s one of those friendships where both parties can tell each other EVERYTHING about themselves without shame. Once the treats were done and plated, you and Matt leave the kitchen and sit on the couch with drinks. You two talked for a good hour or two before you both looked at each other and leaned in for a kiss. After you kissed, Matt looked as if he did something wrong.

Matt: Hey Y/N, I had a great time but I need to go. Thank you for the treats.

Y/N: No problem. Is everything okay?

Matt: Yeah, I just need to go.

Y/N: Okay. Thank you for joining me.

Matt opens the door, looks at you with a smile, and closes the door behind him. You had strong feelings for him but, at the same time, you felt as if everything was over between you and Matt because of how quickly he left. You thought you did something wrong. You cleaned everything up and started to make yourself dinner. You made yourself a rice bowl with roasted cauliflower and sweet potato with a little bit of seasoned chicken. It was nice and warm and you felt a little better - cooking makes you feel a little bit better.

After cleaning up dinner, you went to your room and changed into your pajamas. You grabbed your daily journal and wrote about your day.

December 17, 2023

What happened today?

Matt and I went to the cafe where I saw him the morning after the concert. It was very fun and we were there for a few hours before coming back to my place for sweet treats. Everything was going well and he kissed me but things started to get weird after the kiss. He rushes out of the house telling me he needed to get home. Did I do something wrong? I don’t think I did. I hope he is okay and we can pass this but, I’m going to be optimistic and think positively. It can be a huge misunderstanding since I have a harder time understanding body language. His tone was calm and sweet and didn’t sound panicked or scared. I’m going to give him space and see what happens.

I’m grateful for...

My home and food

Washington weather

My friends and family

To-Dos:

Sketching

Lunch with Matt at 11:30am

Unpack (of course)

Organize books

You place your journal next to your bed and went to sleep. You turned your sound off so you can get some sleep.

#yung gravy #yung gravy imagine #yung gravy x reader #yung gravy fanfic #yung gravy x y/n

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gingerbravecookie · 2 years

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it sure has been a year: cursor's kind of retrospective (or resume idk) on 2022

happy new years everybody,, or new years eve depending on where you live at the time of reading this

I'll go straight to the point 2022 has been one of the most mixed bag of a year I've had since i have the memory

The start of the year was kinda cool honestly,, the weather in my country was great and i was starting to get new interests,, of course also expecting you know what games near the end of it,, going back to normal class was weird and tiring but i got to make new friends and recconect with old ones i hadn't talked to since the start of the pandemic,, i got to see the coolest fucking movie at the start of april and i loved it,, i had also met kit and joined pocket home and i met good people in there shout out to everyone,, the start of the year seemed pretty good

and then things started going downhill

for starters right at my birthday i started feeling kinda weird,, specially my nose felt funny,, the next day at school i was barely on my feet,, with my entire respiratory system in shambles,, with an awful fatigue and trembling every single moment,, i wanted to go to the nurse's office but i persisted due to having to show a cosplay i worked hard on that same day

long story short the next day arrived and i got positive for covid,, i spent two weeks at home

it didn't help that i missed multiple tests due to quarantine and had to do 5 the same day,, my stress level was on the god damn clouds

in that next month i caught colds and stuff way more easily but hey,, it was june!!! pride month!!! Gay month!!!! also i had finally decided to get into artfight and was ready to make refs for my oc's

Also i had made my very own server and got to meet cool people!!! shout out to kino,, harp and jaz

and then right before winter break started and got time to work on them and the event itself my knee snapped off

yes it did hurt like hell,, i went to the hospital and luckily i didn't need surgery but it was still awful,, i got out of the thing at 3 am and i couldn't even move

I spent the first few days of july on bed,, when i finally was able to barely walk again i got to do a few art fight attacks but then my family from the capital arrived and i couldn't access my laptop for two weeks,, i was pretty bummed out i barely got to do attacks AND that i had to be almost every single day to the doctor in order to heal my leg

also i joined ballcord and then maincord as my cookie run interest started coming back to me

anyways september came along and of course it was independence day for chile,, cool date tbh,, and i decided one of the most drastic meassures i took on my irl image,, i cut my hair

"what's the great deal with that" thing is i've had my hair pretty long and i didn't like cutting it at all,, but as i grew i pretty much realized i was growing out of it and it also became more tiring after it getting tangled everywhere,, best desicion of my life tbh it felt great

I got the funni squid game 3 as well

well i also continued getting sick as a downside of things,, which was weird as fuck since years prior i only got sick at least once a year

my school situation became worse every day,, my grades started lowering and to top that. i started getting bullied. again

i had been on that school since 10 fucking years and they still fucking bullied me,, none of the teachers did shit about it

my mom got an interview at school where they took account of my anger issues and fucking guess what happened there

after years and years of asking i finally got therapy

proper therapy as i had a meeting with one of them before and he just said i was a spoiled child lmao

so news!! I'm pretty much part of the autistic spectrum,, with very minor traits according to my therapist but yeah pretty much that

she's a cool person,, she really helps me and i mean that in a genuine way

my family. well,, they're trying,, our relationship has gone two sides and sometimes made me feel kinda shitty tbh,, anyways back to topic

even if my teacher knew about the bullying it still got worse and worse from heavy verbal abuse to almost physical attacks

the school said they would talk to the bullies and me to get to an agreement and then. never talked to me again

it would all come to a close in early november,, after i snapped in front of the whole class about it

i had a massive panic attack

i had to ask my mom to come get me early and i had to talk to the teachers where it turns out. they talked to the bitches but never to me.

if i had known that then i could have told them so they would actually stop

and then they started twisting the blame onto me for staying quiet when they didn't fucking tell me shit to start

anyways,, my mom decided i wouldn't go to that school again,, i have been home ever since,, we are hoping another school accepts me in the meantime

As of social media well. i have gotten into a few projects i want to really get through,, i still need to do owed art and i apologize for making it so late. i really really do

my first comic project,, a game (RPG maker Is a bitch sometimes btw) and of course my askblogs and au's,, I'll try to get them fully moving in 2023,, i really want for everyone to see what i have to tell storywise

also i hope i stop getting sicker lmao

i guess this Is going nowhere tbh,, kind of a long resume of the shit that happened to me this year and an excuse for why i barely post decent art and ideas here nowdays (sorry),, but hey at least i met cool people

thanks for sticking around Is pretty much what i have to say

2022 has been kind of a bitch,, here's to hoping 2023 Is at least a little bit better

happy new years everyone,, happy to still be here

-cursor

#sonic speaks

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rachelianello · 1 year

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Officially six months seizure free!...Again. I won't ever drive again. I just don't want something to happen while I am driving and harm anyone that is on the road near me. I don't like driving anyways. I also have neuropathy. Pins and needles in my legs and feet times a million at first. I couldn't walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't even stand. Three weeks later after being in the hospital for a week a fucking MRI with some drug that calmed me down I was diagnosed with neuropathy which I already said. I was transferred to a in patient physical rehab facility for two weeks. The rain was still so bad and standing hurt. I couldn't even shower myself. Those two weeks with those therapist meant more that anything to more. Yes did I have to use a walker and a wheelchair after I got out? Absolutely. It has been a year not and I don't need to use my walker and I use my wheelchair to walk/jog around my neighborhood with my little puppy dog Otto. I went so long without being able to do anything like that. I just use my wheelchair for balance. I am not trying to walk around my neighborhood and fall down and scrape my knees. I mean, lets be real, I am not a ripe banana anymore just one with a lot of brown spots but more yellow. ALSO, IF I EVER HEAR ANYONE TELL ME THAT THEIR LEG FELL ASLEEP OR THEIR ARM AND THEY FEEL PINS AND NEEDLES AND IT HURTS. WHAT A JOKE. MY FEET WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I AM USED TO IT. MY MEDICATION HELPS BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. My bad but don't be a little bitch, bro. Anyways....THANKYOU MOTHERFUCKING MISSOURI FOR LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

I was very close to getting my medicinal card but my dealer always hooked me up. They still do but there is nothing better than walking as slow as I can into a dispensary and picking out what I want. My primary care Doc and all my other specialist ask if I smoke and I tell them, "Just Mary Jane." They look at me and say, "Well, its not illegal so I can't tell you not to and your oxygen/breathing is great. I am glad to helps." My gynecologist, neourologist, seizure doc and all the other docs I see say the same.

Still take my meds. Honestly, The first time had a seizure was the scariest. Not because I was in pain but I was at work and fell down and hit my head so hard. I can't believe I didn't break my glasses. Luckily I had so many employees around me to help. Not trying to toot my own horn but I was a pretty badass Kitchen Manager. I thought anyways. I tried my best. I was carried out for my first ride on the ambulance and the only thing I can remember was my General Manager asking me to call my best friend Kamryn and I said yes. My General Manager never stopped taking food orders. More than half the staff walked out that night. Saturday, February 19th 2021 9PM...Buffalo Wild Wings. My best friend was at the hospital before I even was even though I was rushed on the ambulance. I had covid to haha. If I knew that I would have never went to work but I needed to be at work for that seizure to happen. What would I have done if I was at home where I lived alone and that happened to me?

That was long. I don't care care if anyone reads this but PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE SEIZURES OR ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITIONS. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T ONLY MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES..ESPECIALLY SOMETHING THEY CAN'T CONTROL BUT IT IS SO SCARY FOR ANYONE AROUNT THEM TO WITNESS IT.

I PROMISE, NO ONE IS LAUGHING ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS BEING IN THE HOSPITAL..GETTING POKED BY MULTIPLE NEEDLES, (EVERY HOUR..ESPECIALLY RIGHT WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP AND INSTANTLY WAKE UP AGAIN) HAVING SOMEONE WATCH YOU SHIT, WEARING A DIAPER AND PEEING YOUR PANTS, NOT ALLOWED ANY FRIENDS/FAMILY TO SEE YOU, NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOWER FOR A WEEK, LET ME KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFT THATS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. IF ONE DAY YOU DON'T TAKE IT YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY HOPE THAT WHO WONT HAVE A SEIZURE THAT DAY. I have dreams of anyone that I am helping someone having a seizure.

Moral of this post. Please, be a kind human. You never know what someone is going though.

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

#actuallyautistic #not a shitpost #holy shit how did i spend 3 hours writing this what even is my blog #this blog is supposed to be blue whale anxiety and uncomfortably sexy clown jokes #what am i doing #sensory processing disorder #sensory issues #mental health #actually autistic #NOTIFY ME OF ANY TYPOS #i proofread this 5 times my eyes weep an unceasing flood of blood and regret #adhd #actuallyadhd #autism #sensory problems

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spunky-89 · 2 years

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Sorrows, Storms, and... Silverware?

A/N: Here is the next part of the Domestic(ish) Life series. This one is a little sad like some of my more recent works because what I write reflects my mood and this was written when I was in a really rough spot and wished I had my boys to comfort me. It's not great, I feel like it's all over the place, but I hope maybe others who have felt this way might find a bit of comfort from it...

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Mental health, depression, bad brain day

WC:1688

Days were passing by faster than you could count. You and your boys had been living in relative bliss. There were some paps that got too nosy occasionally but other than that you were mostly left alone when you went out. Not that you went out all that often, the three of you could usually be found curled up on the couch together playing games or just existing together, you would be on your laptop doing work things, Steve would either be reading or drawing, and Bucky fluctuated between being on his phone, laptop, or reading. Even though it’d been almost two years since he was rescued, he was still very behind on pop culture, science, and obviously the massive advancements in technology.

You were having a rough day. It was one of those days where you each just existed in the same space. There wasn’t much talking to be heard, just the sounds of breathing and your keyboard clacking. The only issue was your focus was waning and your mind was muddled. This happened to you every now and then, but you were always able to get past the funk in a day or two. However, this had been going on for over a week and you were getting frustrated, which wasn’t helping your situation. Luckily, both boys had been busy and kind of oblivious to your struggle. You loved them but knew they would baby you if they found out you were struggling with your mental health. Despite being together for so long, neither of the boys knew how bad your mental health could get. But you had also never gone into a bad depressive state while they were around and you didn’t really like talking about it either. The last time you got like this was after Steve moved to DC.

You’d had really bad depression and anxiety when you were younger but between seeing a therapist and having some medication to help, you had all but overcome both. Sure you still got overly anxious faster than other people might, but it wasn’t too bad. And your depression was pretty easy to manage as long as you took your pills and didn’t dwell on the little stuff. But every now and then you’d have a flare-up where the depression just got a little worse and you had to fight your way through it for up to 2 weeks. Usually, it was only a few days though. When it occurred, your head would get foggy, you’d be exhausted all day no matter how much caffeine you consumed, you’d be unmotivated, and highly sensitive. Also very emotional. Not just sad emotional, like every emotion is multiplied by a thousand, including anger. This was to be your downfall.

After staring at the same blinking line for 10 minutes with no progress you huffed and slammed your laptop shut. This startled both boys who looked to you in confusion. You ignored their looks, got up from your place on the couch, and grabbed your phone before heading into your bedroom.

The two boys shared a look of concern before placing down their respective items and following you into the bedroom. They found you laying in bed on your back engrossed in something on your phone.

“You okay there doll?” Bucky asked, almost able to feel the frustration coming off you in waves.

“I’m fine, just need 10 minutes.” You said, your tone clipped.

This made the two men all the more suspicious. You never took that tone with them unless you were mad, which was almost never. Steve went to say something but before he could, Bucky was pushing him out of the room.

“She needs space, I don’t know about you but she seemed ready to snap and I don’t particularly want to be on the receiving end of that.” He explained once the two men settled back down on the couch.

This was just the first incident. Over the next few days, the boys started to notice your odd behavior. They were concerned but every time they brought it up you said you were fine and changed the conversation. They felt helpless and lost.

A new day began at 6 am with a crack of thunder and flash of lightning in the bedroom. The two boys had already been awake, as per usual, but you shot up with a start.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s just a storm,” Bucky murmured as he brought you closer to his chest. It took a short while but eventually, you fell back asleep. Steve scooted closer to you as well. He knew you had Astraphobia and sought physical contact as a form of comfort during storms. As awful as it sounded, the boys loved stormy days because you became very affectionate and clingy.

As the day went on, the boys were happy to keep you close and give you all their love and affection. However, they noticed something. You weren’t as clingy as usual and you just didn’t seem right to them. If anything, you seemed very… sad.

And you were. You were just having one of those days where you wanted to do nothing but stay curled in a ball under the blankets and cry about everything. Every little mishap or inconvenience was bringing you to the edge of a breakdown. And you knew that all the negative thoughts in your head were wrong and just a product of your mental illness, but sometimes you just weren't strong enough to shut the thoughts out.

You were wrapped up in blankets in bed just scrolling aimlessly on your phone when Steve popped his head into the bedroom.

"I'm heading out to grab some dinner, anything you want me to pick up while I'm out?" He asked. You just blinked at him for a minute before pursing your lips and looking away to try and avoid crying because your brain was giving you shit. You cleared your throat and tried to slap a haphazard 'I'm okay' face on.

"No, I think I'm good." You said, keeping your voice even as best you could. Unfortunately, he knew you too well to be deceived. His eyebrows furrowed as he approached the bed.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He asked, voice soft answer laced with concern.

“Nothing?” You answered though it was framed as a question as you didn’t even know yourself.

“I would believe you if you weren’t crying,”

You sniffled and when Steve sat on the edge of the bed and pulled you into his arms, you lost it. Sobs tore from your throat as you clung to him. He pulled you tighter to him as he adjusted so you could sit comfortably in his lap. Not a moment later Bucky came flying in having heard you sobbing. He quickly joined Steve on the bed and put his arm around you as well.

You kept trying to talk to the two men to express your feelings but you couldn’t get a full sentence out, nor were you making any sense. The boys kept sharing panicked looks over your head. They had no idea what was going on or why you were crying. They felt helpless, and that’s a feeling neither enjoyed. Over the course of the hour, you had calmed enough to actually start talking without crying again. But you felt so drained, you didn’t even feel like talking. But you knew you needed to tell them something.

“You doing okay there sweetheart?” Bucky inquired after a few minutes of silence.

“Not really,” You mumbled.

“You wanna tell us what’s wrong?” Steve asked.

“Honestly, nothing really. Just…” You were struggling to come up with the words to explain your feelings. “Okay, let me do it this way, and it’s gonna sound weird but just go with it alright.” When the boys stayed silent you took a breath as you tried to remember how to phrase things properly.

“So you know the spoon thing I always talk about? Well, there’s another similar thing called the fork… theory? I think… Anyways it’s about how well you can keep it together so to speak. So basically, it’s a way to explain tolerance. Everyone can only handle being stabbed in the hand with so many forks at once. And the size can vary as can the amount. So like on a normal day, let’s say I can take 10 forks of regular size. So those are all the inconveniences like being late to work, burning dinner, or dealing with annoying people. But sometimes there’s bigger forks that consume 2 or 3 regular sized forks. So it varies you know. But lately not only have I been low on spoons, my fork count has been extremely low too. So every little thing feels catastrophic and it doesn’t take much to cause me to break down.”

The two men took a moment as they absorbed what you were saying.

“Was there something that caused you to be so low on both?” Steve asked.

“Uh, no, I don’t- I don’t think so.”

“You don’t sound very sure,” Bucky remarked.

“Well it’s hard you know, sometimes I just get like this.”

“What do you mean? I’ve never seen you like this before?” Steve asked, sounding confused.

“Just because you haven’t seen me like this doesn’t necessarily mean I haven’t had bad periods.” You mumbled.

“Wha-” Steve cut himself off as he digested this new information. “Why did you never say anything if you were this bad?” He asked.

You just shrugged, not really wanting to go into your issues of self-doubt.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Bucky asked gently, sensing your discomfort about the line of questions Steve was asking.

“Nothing really, I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday, hopefully, she’ll be able to help me unpack all my blehg and maybe see what caused it.” You provided, hoping to help quell some of their concerns.

“Right, well, in the meantime, when and if you need anything, and I do mean anything you can come to us okay?” Bucky proposed.

You nodded and snuggled deeper into your supersoldiers.

#Domestic(ish) Life #steve x reader x bucky #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #captain america x reader #winter solider x reader #angst #steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #stucky x reader

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growandrecover · 2 years

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Eating fear foods - Tips

just to preface, this will be, without a doubt, scary for most people. but you have to be patient with yourself, and if it doesn't work the first time with a particular food, don't stress out about it, you'll be able to eat it one day.

find something to spite. for me, it was my nutritionist, as she always made me feel like a spec of dirt. so whenever I challenged a new food, I always started off by thinking "screw you, m. I'm gonna prove you wrong." now, hopefully you have not had the same experience, but you can always spite your ed. for example, "screw you, ana. I'm going to take back my life, and I deserve this. I'm tired of following your rules."

introduce it slowly. I remember I came home from therapy one day, and my therapist had told me to eat a handful of m&ms. my first thought was, "no way! you're crazy, do you know xyz about those! nice try." and that night, my mom sat me down at the table and forced me to eat 4. I was extremely hard, and I was scared the entire time, but I did it. I ate four of them every day for a while, and it still made me so nervous, but I really enjoyed eating them because they taste so good! after a while, I was able to work my way up to 30 something, and I was so happy (and a little nervous), but mostly proud of myself and how far I had come.

have support around you. it doesn't have to be a therapist or a nutritionist, just someone you can trust will work. on halloween this past year, I was challenged by the same nutritionist to eat a piece of pizza. I told her there was no way I could do that, and she and I bargained until we got to just a bite. I still had no faith in myself, but luckily I had a group of friends over that night, and they were incredible. one of them who doesn't even like cheese was willing to eat a piece of pizza with me if I would. And she did. support is great, and it will hopefully help you achieve your goals!

accept the fact that you can't keep living like this. I know this is so hard to do, but it's true. this disorder will not get you anywhere in life. and if you're thinking, no no, it will. it won't. I promise. I was in the same boat as you, and I thought my anorexia would give me everything I couldn't give myself, but I was wrong. I was SO wrong. I had never been more miserable, and now I can't imagine going back to that horrible place. the life you have now, no matter how great it might be, is not the best life you could be living because you're still suffering through your disorder too. it doesn't matter which one you have, this is still no way to live. you deserve to eat. you deserve to eat food you enjoy. no buts about it. "but you don't know who I am and what my situation is! I don't deserve that!" no. that's not true. you are a human, you deserve food and you deserve to eat food you love. end of story.

know that you are stronger than you think. this disorder is not the end all be all. if you fight it, eventually, it will stop. you will get through this, and you will be able to live a life not revolving around food again. I promise you. I never would have thought that to be true for myself, but here I am, loving my new body and loving the food I get to eat. my disorder does not control my life anymore, and one day, you'll get to that place too. I believe in you. you've got this.

as always, please reach out if you need someone to talk to, my messages and asks are open! :)

#ed recovery #ed recovery tips #body posititivity #anorexia recovery #bulimia recovery #binge eating disorder recovery #mental health #recovery positivity #fear food

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peachraindrops · 2 years

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Hiiii! I was wondering how would you rank the seasons of GG? ☺️

Hey Anon! Thank you so much for thinking of me here. I’m not great with formulating run on thoughts into words but this is the scattered web my brain weaves when thinking about good girls from best to worst.

Season 5 – Yes, I know we didn’t actually get to see it lol. But in my world, s5 would have been Beth finally realizing Rio has intense feelings for her and with the shift in their (mostly her) dynamic, she would finally have the headspace to realize the same. I think future seasons could have seen AMAZING things with Beth and Rio working together instead of against each other. The anarchy they would have created would have probably been unmatched. They’d be running Detroit for sure and just like ficland, they would have branched out and probably into Canada. I’m picturing Beth out in the community, getting her hands dirty and Rio taking full advantage, just watching them drain everyone around them of everything they have. Watching the city burn together. Then, Beth in Nick’s old office at his once desk with Rio getting her on top of it and just, WE WERE OWED THIS SCENE. They’re definitely crime soulmates and the chemistry was insanely palpable. 🥵🥵

Season 2 – Because well…. Season 2. 🍑🍆. Do people still use these? I feel like they don’t. Anyway, the bathroom scene. The ‘vette scene. The bedroom scene. Rio’s apartment. The couply bickering. It was all just chaotic and them, sooo peak Brio. Rio had strong and fresh feelings he obviously didn’t know how to handle, and he really just let it all hang out which he didn’t do again in the same forceful way until s4. He was consumed by her and so LOUD about it, it gives me chills just to think about. He would have given her the world if she would have paid attention. Also, Mary Pat? I get salty because she had the guts I wished Beth had all along. She was ok with pretty much anything she had to do to support her family and Beth could have taken a page or two out of her book.

Disclaimer that the s2 ending had me considering putting s2 at the bottom of the list but luckily for me I’m good at dissociating and compartmentalizing. 🙄

Season 1 – Season 1 started so strong and mildly stroke out to this day when I think about the energy of Rio’s scenes in episode s1e1. He was chaotic and magnetizing, but mostly just…unexpected? The soundtrack in s1 was bomb and Beth’s look was off the charts… prooobably why Blazerville USA in s2 sucked so hard for me. She had this vibe in s1 of revenge and fierce female anger that was perfectly reasonable given the situation and I was here for it. The writers got amnesia over the summer though and that was pretty much all gone from there on out. Also, s1 Beth actually had a personality beyond exhaustion and overconfidence. I think back to Beth telling the whole story about how she went back to Canada and her van was full of paper and Ruby and Annie just 😳😳🤯🤯 until Beth lost it. Why didn’t we get that more? It was endearing and humanizing in a way they forgot to commit to in later seasons leaving Beth unrelatable and dry at times.

Season 4 – Season 4 had some unexpected goodies, but the therapist and dean pretty much ruined most of it for me. Dean had WAY too much screentime with his little buddies and I think everyone here must remember how I feel about Dean. The therapist storyline, was that supposed to develop Annie’s character? Because it didn’t. I’m imaging sending her to jail for a few months “over summer break” doing 100x more than making us sit through 10 episodes of her obsessing and entangling with her therapist before finally presenting him with a dead smashed-up butterfly and checking out. What in the actual fuck was that? The best part of s4 to me was getting to see parts of Rio that we obviously never got to see before. They still missed the mark completely on developing him as a character and I’m not even going to get into all of that right now, but meeting Rosa and Nick gave Rio a layer that I was deeply missing before. They again missed the mark on developing the brother/cousin thing and I think even one fully Rio-centric episode to show the cause of his family dynamic would have changed everything for me. Why didn’t they fill in any gaps between Nick’s “now we can do anything we want” comment and Beth finding Rio waiting for her in his kitchen? How long was he in FCI Milan? What was that like? How did come up so fast after that? What did Rosa have to say about it all? That’s what I needed to see. His transition and his backstory but in true GG writer fashion, they forgot all about it.

Season 3 – At least we got the car wash scene and the “show me”. I wasn’t nearly as bothered by Lucy’s death as most people because it just made sense to me. After s2 ended, someone in her circle had to die and we all knew Rio was never going to kill Beth. But I can understand why people hated seeing Lucy die. It needed to be done IMO and she just didn’t add enough value for me to feel the need to keep her around so she was that person. My problem was mostly the hitman storyline and s3 starting with Beth befriending Rhea like that. Whaaaat the fuck. Not only was it weird, it aided in softening her character at a time they should have been trying to build up more momentum since the damage was already done. But back to the hitman storyline…it was just…lazy and all-consuming. Not only that, but it went on and on and nothing even ended up happening?! At a certain point, I almost just wanted him to shoot Rio and get it over with (stick with me here). I love Andrew McCarthy so if the storyline could have been 1-2 episodes before Beth realized she was crazy and that’s not what she ever wanted and she finally took a step back to strategize like the mastermind she was capable of being, I would have liked that.

Anyway, I think I rambled way too long but in all honesty, I’ve barely said anything I wanted to say. Maybe I’ll elaborate more on this later just for my own benefit and then put it out there in case anyone else here might want to read it too. Lol.

#this got away from me #thanks for the ask!#beth x rio #nbc good girls #anon ask

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floralseokjin · 3 years

Text

⤑ made-up love song drabbles

First meeting: Seokjin’s POV

kim seokjin x reader warnings; none! words; 2,443

↪︎ read the series here / and drabbles here

Seokjin was having the worst morning. He was usually in work by now. An early start to the day was the only way to start the day, so maybe that’s why he was thrown for a loop right now. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong. But he shouldn’t think like that, after all, he’d promised Arin he’d take her to school this morning. He was embarrassed to admit this, but Arin had been living with him officially for six weeks and he hadn’t once driven her here. It was unacceptable he knew that, but he was learning quickly that juggling a demanding job and being there for his daughter wasn’t easy. Perhaps Nana had a point…

At the thought of his ex-wife, he grimaced, remembering the massive argument they’d had two months ago. The one that had triggered Arin’s move. When it came to Nana he often found himself harsh with his words. Not that she wasn’t with hers either. They had grown so used to lashing out at one another over the years it was hard to stop, even if their divorce was coming up to two years ago now. That’s what his therapist said anyway, and Seokjin just listened, knowing she was correct just unable to think of a way to change it, despite the countless advice Mrs. Shin had given him over the months, years.

He and Nana both worked hectic and testing jobs. They were alike it that way, ambitious and driven. That’s what had attracted him to her in the first place, yet it was the thing that had ruined them soon enough. With age, especially after the birth of Arin, he found himself mellowing out. He was no longer in such a rush to get to the top, or to be the best. Maybe that was hypocritical of him, seeing as a few years ago he had become CEO, taking his father’s place. There was no higher. He had nothing more to chase.

Nana continued to work long hours, motherhood not slowing her down in the slightest. Not that it should. Stereotypes weren’t his style, but it was beyond frustrating when all he wanted to do was spend time together as a family and Nana was too busy preoccupied elsewhere. She loved Arin, he had never doubted that and never would, but sometimes his exasperation outweighed his rationality. When Arin had come to live with him he was so determined to prove Nana wrong. He could easily do both – work and be a father. Of course, he wasn’t stupid, he had known he’d need help, and Misook was more than he could have ever asked for, but he had always been stubborn.

The weekends were great. On his he would organise a bunch of things for he and Arin to do, and on Nana’s weekend he’d use the time to catch up on any work he had remaining from the week. Only, a fortnight ago Nana had cancelled the night before. Arin had been devastated obviously, there was video call of course, but it wasn’t the same for a six year old. He had been left to pick up the pieces, not to mention he had fallen behind on paperwork – and still hadn’t caught up. Hopefully this weekend would be better, but he wasn’t holding his breath.

He sighed to himself as he fiddled with the handsfree. Why wasn’t his cell phone connecting?! He knew he should have taken the other car. Weekdays were the most difficult. He just about saw Arin in the mornings and most evenings he came home past 6pm meaning he just had about enough time to eat dinner with her and catch up before it was time to get her ready for bed. It wasn’t fair on her, she deserved more of his time and he missed her terribly, but time was extremely difficult to find. That’s why he’d driven her to school today, he’d been promising for weeks, ever since she’d started at Primrose Hill actually. He didn’t want to be a let-down.

He’d chosen today, a Thursday, because it was thankfully a quiet morning. Well, had supposed to be a quiet morning. Soobin’s call just before he’d left home had not been something he’d wanted to receive. The web conference with Mr. Lee wasn’t supposed to be until mid-morning but of course the impatient so-and-so had missed the memo – or just completely ignored it seemed more probable.

Seokjin’s headache grew worse at the thought of today. He’d already popped two painkillers early this morning when Arin had woken him up prematurely by jumping up and down on his bed. She was excited, he understood that, but Christ was she loud at 5am. At least he knew she loved her new school, that was all that mattered. He’d been so worried in the beginning, taking his time to choose a smaller school so she wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. It worked out perfectly though. She adored Primrose Hill, and her teacher actually, which he was thankful for. It was always Miss. Y/L/N this and Miss. Y/L/N that… Oh, that reminded him, there was that parent teacher meeting tomorrow afternoon. He couldn’t miss that, no matter what was happening at the office. He was glad he’d had a test run today actually. Shamefully he hadn’t been here in person yet, doing the entirety of the application process via phone call and the internet. The principal had understood, but that wasn’t the point. He needed to do better. He was trying to do better.

This time he let out a yell of frustration as his phone told him yet again it had failed to connect via Bluetooth. He gave up, Mr. Lee would just have to wait until he was in the office to take his call. This was crazy, what on earth could the man want so early in the morning?! There was no emergency. He dropped his phone to his lap and started up the vehicle in haste, wasting no time in reversing out of the spot – Thump!

His car had collided with something. With his heart in his stomach he hit the brakes immediately, looking out the rear view mirror to see a white car. The something he’d hit. Shit. This day had just gone from bad to worse. Panicked, he drove forward, back into the space and turned the engine off quickly. He hopped out, acting on instinct, forgetting his phone was in his lap as it clattered to the floor. Thankfully the screen didn’t smash, and he didn’t stop, picking it up in a rush. No sooner had he come into view, the occupant of the white car was getting out of the driver’s seat too.

“Are you okay?” He asked you immediately, the panic shrill in his voice. He was always such a competent driver. The only time he’d ever sped was when Arin was about to be born, rushing Nana to the hospital at two in the morning after her waters had broken. Now look at him. What a mess.

He found himself babbling, not even giving you a chance to respond. “I am so sorry, Miss.” At that precise moment in time his phone started to ring again. “I really am. I was–”

He had tried to ignore it, he really had, but the noise was just plain irritating and now he found himself quite mad. Stopping abruptly midsentence he let out a huff and picked up. “Kim Seokjin, speaking. Please can I –”

“Mr. Kim, where are you? There’s something–” Mr. Lee tried interrupting, but Seokjin wasn’t having any of it.

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to call you back. There’s been an emergency.”

“An emergency? What kind? It better not be to do with –”

“Thank you for understanding. Goodbye.” Seokjin hung up quickly. He’d deal with the consequences later. Not that he’d let that son of a bitch walk all over him. He never had. Immediately, his attention was back on you. There were pressing issues at hand here. “I’m just so sorry. Is there any damage?”

He made his way over to the spot he’d hit, just above your back wheel and crouched down, inspecting the damage. “Oh god.” He grimaced slightly. The paint was scratched pretty deep but luckily there were no dents. Still, he’d been foolish. This was entirely his fault.

“The bike rack,” he muttered to himself, looking behind him at the culprit. It had taken the paint clean off. Brushing a hand through his hair, he noticed you were beside him now, still not having said a word. He caught a hint of your perfume, unconsciously noting how pleasant it was.

“What happened?” You asked him, your tone of voice taking him by surprise. You had every right to be angry of course, but couldn’t you see how sincere he was being? He looked up, composing himself hopefully. “I-I was distracted for a moment, I didn’t realise–”

“Were you on your phone?”

“I’m sorry?” On cue the damn device started ringing again. Mr. Lee was on thin ice. He hit ignore straight away. “No, no. God, no.” He protested, realising what you meant as he shoved the phone into the inside pocket of his jacket. He straightened up, standing directly opposite you now as you crossed your arms, waiting for his explanation it seemed. He couldn’t help but notice the way you strained as tall as you could get. As if you were trying to appear imposing. Not that you weren’t unnerving right now. It was just the action was pretty… No. He wasn’t even going to think it because he didn’t want to be at all condescending.

“I was – I was trying to get the handsfree to work in this damn car and last time I checked there was no one there.” Seokjin cringed at himself. He so obviously sounded flustered. He just couldn’t help it. There was something about you that made him nervous, and it wasn’t just because you looked so livid right now. “I wasn’t thinking, I just backed out –” He stopped himself, suddenly realising something. “Why… Why were you on stop directly behind me?”

“Excuse me?” You instantly got defensive. “I wasn’t stopped, I was trying to find a space.”

Seokjin tried his best not to smile. Now it was your turn to try and not get flustered. The way your hands waved about animatedly as you spoke was…charming. Was that appropriate to say? You were watching him again, a look on your face that made him uneasy. Maybe it was because, and he hated to think this yet again, but maybe it was because you were so pretty. God, he sounded like a little kid. You were very attractive, did that make it sound any better? Probably not. Here you were well within your right to be mad at him, and here he was thinking such inappropriate thoughts about you. Well, that sounded weird. He didn’t mean like that. He just thought you were really pretty. He was spiralling over nothing.

“I’m sorry, but do you even work here?”

Your question threw him. “Work here? No.”

“Then why are you using the teacher’s parking lot?”

He watched as you folded your arms again and his eyes widened in horror as he realised his mistake. “Oh no. I didn’t realise…” This was just great. Now he looked like an idiot. That or just plain rude.

“It’s signposted.”

Yup, just plain rude it was.

“It’s my first time dropping off my daughter at this school. I didn’t know where to go, and I was getting so many phone calls, I was just trying to…” He petered out, realising it was no good trying to explain himself. You probably didn’t care about his morning. “There’s no excuses for this. I’m truly sorry and I feel awful.” He apologised, lowering his head. “Let me sort this out. Money is no object. I can call my mechanic straight away and–”

“There’s no need,” you interrupted almost instantly, sounding baffled.

“It’s really no problem.” He insisted. “Come on, if we wait for our insurance companies to sort this out god knows how long it will take. No, I’ll phone the mechanic I use right now and they can come and pick your vehicle up. It’ll be fixed in no time. You won’t have to pay a thing.” He was only speaking the truth. Most insurance companies didn’t even want to know.

“No, thank you.” You voice sounded tight, clipped.

He could sense your irritation but couldn’t understand why. “No?”

“I don’t need your help or your money.” You declared.

Now, there was no need to be stubborn about it. He’d phrased it wrong, admittedly. He wasn’t flaunting his money around the place. At all. He was only trying to help. In fact, he needed to do this. It was his fault. “But I did this.”

“It’s fine, just –” You stopped when his phone started ringing again, glancing at the chest. “You’re obviously very busy, just forget about it. It’s a few scratches.”

Turning your back to him you glanced at your watch. “Wait,” he called out.

“Goodbye,” you called back, rounding the front of your car ready to dive back into the driver’s seat.

Seokjin’s frustration was about to hit its limit. Why wouldn’t you listen to him, and why wouldn’t his cell phone just shut the hell up?! “But – Argh!” He let out a yell, the shrilling of his phone loud and he yanked it out of his pocket roughly.

It was his assistant. Mr. Lee was probably hounding him too. He picked up. “Soobin, what is it?!”

“Mr. Lee, he’s –”

“Yes, I already told him I’m –”

“He said it’s extremely important. His suppliers are being difficult.”

“What? He said they were reliable.” Seokjin ran a hand through his hair, feeling defeat wash through him. Today had beaten him and it was only 8am. As Soobin’s voice carried through the speaker, Seokjin watched you slam your door shut and whizz into one of the only parking spots.

It wouldn’t sit right on his conscience if he left things like this, he’d damaged your car. He needed to make things right. Immediately. Or almost immediately. He’d sort things out with Mr. Lee as fast as he could and then call Jimin. Yes, that sounded like a great idea. He actually found himself smiling a little as he watched you walk towards the school building, a determinedness in your stride that was indeed admirable. You’d certainly left an impression, that was for sure.

The one he’d left on you, however, was embarrassing…

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

#seokjin fanfic #bts fanfic #jin fanfic #fic:mls #floralseokjin:writings

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peralta-guaranteed · 3 years

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Wishing I could read something about Peraltiago talking about how they feel on all Teddy's proposals to Amy. They are really akward, uncomfortable moments and Teddy really crosses the limits every single time, and wish we knew more on their takes about it. Once I read a fic about Jake sending Rosa to stop Teddy and take care of Amy but it just not the same.

lol I have a fic on that topic exactly - I have a proposal for you - where I had the cathartic experience of writing about Rosa breaking Teddy’s hand for being so awful, but I agree with you, Teddy reappearing in the show is so uncomfortable each time ugggh. I thought the wedding one was the worst but then he shows up literally fathering a child with someone else and still does it, disgusting.

So maybe take this as taking place before that fic of mine, where Jake does mention how bad Teddy's proposals make them feel!

Jake can tell, just from the simple drop of her purse in the hallway, that it wasn't a good day.

Weird, how it's these tiny things that he's learned to read instantly - or maybe not, given that he's a detective trained to focus on details others would overlook, and being unable to stop the habit when it comes to the most important people in his life.

She tries to be all smiles when she comes into the living room, though, where Mac is happily rolling around in his playpen while Jake is folding laundry on the couch, the very picture of domesticity as she leans over the pen to kiss their squealing, giggling little baby. The view of her in one of her old pantsuits instead of her Sergeant's uniform is already making his hearts do little leaps even before she makes her way over to Jake for their customary Welcome Home kiss.

"How was that inter-department meeting today?" He asks as she shrugs off the suit jacket and continues her pace into the kitchen, setting aside a set of Mac's bibs that can't be folded anyway.

"Okay." She replies, and that's enough to make him abandon the laundry alltogether and follow her (one eye on Mac, of course, but he's not even crawling yet, and couldn't roll himself into any danger on his foam-based playmat - probably). It's rare that she doesn't have at least one inspiring, 'interesting' or just generally informative story to share from her meetings, the only person in probably all departments looking forward to them.

She's staring into the fridge when he reaches the room and leans against the counter, trying to gauge her level of upset. From the raised shoulders and the fact that she doesn't need to check the fridge to know they were going to order Chinese tonight, he guesses it's at a solid 8, at least.

"Teddy was there." She mumbles into the cold, bright space in front of her, and Jake's shoulders tense up just as much as hers even as he tries to sound as chill as possible.

"How is he?"

"Still extremely boring." Then, after a pause. "Still hung up on me."

So much for chill.

"Did he propose again?"

She nods and sighs, her shoulders dropping as she closes the fridge, but doesn't turn toward him.

"I don't know what's wrong with him." She says through gritted teeth, suddenly. "He has a child with someone. He has a wife. How can he look at them and turn around and-"

Mac's little happy cooing from the living room interrupts her, as do Jake's arms as they wind around her middle, his chin dipping into the space between her shoulder and her neck.

"That's probably a question only a therapist could answer, babe."

Amy sighs as she leans back, falls into the warmth and support of her own husband, the father of her child that she can hear happily babbling to himself from a room over, and wonders some more how Teddy could ever think he would be a better option for her.

"He wasn't like this when we were dating." She muses, and feels Jake's kiss against her jaw - a reflex action she's noticed whenever she mentions a past partner or anything, frankly, that reminds him that there was a point where he wasn't Jake Peralta-Santiago yet. But she kind of needs to finish this thought, and she knows he can handle it. "He was nice and kind and he wouldn't- he wasn't manipulative, pulling something like that in public, or deluded enough to think he was in the right for it. I mean, he thought he was pretty great, but he wouldn't have -"

"You musta broken something pretty major in his brain when you left him." Jake's voice is joking, luckily, but she can sense a hint of something more. "The absolute devastation of a Santiago break-up speech, rehearsed or not."

"Harsh, Jake."

"Remember manbun musician? He went downright insane after your split - not that he was probably the sanest person around before that, but-"

"You promised we'd never mention him again."

"I'm just saying. I don't think any man left by you is going to be completely right in the head after that."

"You're making me sound like some black widow monster." She smiles, though, hearing the awe and affection in his voice bleed through.

"I'm not judging those guys, anyway." He continues, and that tinge of something else in his words is back. "I mean, I can't imagine what I'd be like if you ever decided to take Teddy up on one of his proposals."

She straightens up from her lean on his chest, twists in his arms without breaking the hug, and stares right into him as she studies his face - his actually slightly scared face.

"Jake, you know that's not ever-"

"I was joking babe."

"No. Jake. That's not even an option. Not even an idea. Never. Not in a million years. Not if-"

She grabs his shirt where it's unbuttoned, right next to his heart, and his hand reaches up to squeeze hers like it always does, thumb swiping along her rings.

"I know, Ames." The soft kiss that follows calms her just as much. "I cashed out that jackpot and I'm not giving it back."

She hums as she kisses him again, leans her forehead against his for a deep breath.

"It's just... sad." She returns to her original train of thought. "That he can't move on despite his life doing so. I mean, it's been years. He's got a new job and a new partner and a new baby, and he's willing to, what, dump all that? For me? For that idolised image he probably has in his mind of me now, because nothing between us has been real since ages ago?"

"Wow, this is really bugging you."

"Yes! He's barging into my life and thinking he knows what's best for me and that it's him, like I'm some love-struck silly dreamgirl who's going to drop her entire world because he's romantic enough to go down on one knee in front of our colleagues and superiors who have no idea what's going on-!"

Mac's noises from the next room turn from content to disagreeing, growing into what is sure to be a cry any minute now, and it's the only thing that can make them break apart from their hug. He calms down immediately when Amy lifts him out of his pen, and holds him close while she settles on the sofa next to the half-done laundry basket, snuffling against her chest in a very obvious I’m hungry mom couldn’t you tell?! move before she can even unbutton her dress shirt.

He latches on immediately when her shirt is open and her bra pulled down - not a nursing bra today, considering she got ready for an important work meeting - while she feels Jake rearrange the pillows behind her and to her side to get her comfortable, without a second of hesitation or having to think about it. He moves on to pick up the jacket she's dropped onto a dining room chair, drapes it on a hanger in the hallway, and she feels the soft prick of tears in her eyes before he settles down again next to the two of them with a glass of water for her set on the coffee table.

Jake only hums as he notices the shine in her eyes too, and wipes across her cheek. He knows that nursing can get her into a pretty emotional state sometimes, but this is probably a bit more than that.

"I love you." She says, and barely waits for his return of I love you too to continue. "I can't believe Teddy expects me to look at Mac, and look at you, and still think he could ever be a better offer for anything I want."

"Aw, babe." He grins softly in return while playing with Mac's foot that is kicking in his direction, covered in the fuzziest green socks with red apples on them. "You scored a pretty dope 2-for-1 deal with us, I admit."

“Before that, too.” She insists, leaning to unlatch Mac and hand him over to Jake to burp as they always do while she buttons back up, thinking about Teddy’s many proposals before Mac was even planned on. “Jake, you know that, right? You alone were the best deal first and foremost.”

He smiles at her, Mac’s soft little curls right next to his cheek as he sways and pats his back, but it doesn’t fully reach his eyes.

“Jake-”

“You were happy with him.” He says, quietly, while Mac lets out his usual milky burp and smiles at him much wider when he wipes him clean with the linen cloth pulled from his shoulder. “I know it’s in the past and I - I’m not jealous or anything that stupid, but. Like you said... He wasn’t like this back then, and you were happy.”

His eyes seem forlorn, even as he smiles at the now sleepy baby in his lap that looks so much like him it always makes her heart twinge, that little bundle of joy with Amy’s dark hair and skin that seems to know the Cuban sun without ever having been there.

“And I know it’s not - and it doesn’t make sense to think about, but - sometimes his stupid proposals made me wonder what would’ve happened if he’d done that while he still made you happy.” His voice turns low, and it’s probably not just to avoid waking Mac back up as he falls asleep. “And that just makes me think about how I had to watch you be happy with him, and that’s not - that’s never a good memory to revisit, honestly-”

“I wouldn’t have said yes.” She leans over into his field of vision, the most serious look on her face. “Even back then, I wouldn’t have said yes to his proposal.”

Jake’s eyebrows scrunch up in question, his eyes turning into those puppy dog eyes that she knows as a direct hit to her heart when he’s actually sad or worried, and she can’t not hold his face in her hands again.

“Yes, I was happy with Teddy for a while, but looking back at it I realise I was- there was always this feeling of waiting for something. Hoping for something to be different.” She kisses him, careful and short and barely there, but enough to make him close his eyes and lean towards her a bit more. “And maybe back then I thought I was waiting for him to change somehow, but really I was only waiting for him to change into you.”

“Teddy couldn’t change into me if he had major brain surgery.” Jake scoffs, and Amy huffs a laugh with him.

“Yeah. And that’s why he’d never been right for me. That’s only ever been you.”

He finally, properly smiles now, eyes open again and set on her with a soft shine to them before he leans over more, as much as he can without waking the deeply asleep baby in his lap.

“I’m glad you figured that out when you did, in the end.” He quips and earns himself a shy nod. “And said yes when it came to the only good proposal you got.”

She snickers at that, thinking about the gaudy but wonderful boxing belt in her mementos box, and leans in the last few inches she needs to kiss him again, neither careful nor short this time, but equally as soft.

“And the next time I catch Teddy trying to propose to you again I’m going to punch him out before he can even get down on one knee.”

“You are not assaulting a fellow officer.”

“Kick in the balls?”

“How very mature, Mister-I-have-an-actual-child-now.”

“Can I at least tell him where he can stick his ridiculous ideas of marrying you at any point in the future, no matter the circumstances?”

She hums for a second.

“You can. If you add in how ridiculous the idea was in the past as well.”

“Oh now, that’s a good deal.”

#B99 #Brooklyn 99 #Peraltiago #Jake Peralta #Amy Santiago #my writing #ficlet #fic

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wayward-dreamer · 4 years

Text

Life’s Lessons - Part 11

Title: Life’s Lessons - A Lesson in Moving Forward

Pairing: Mechanic!Dean x Female!Teacher!Reader

Other characters: OFCs: Katie (Y/N’s best friend) Kathleen (Y/N’s therapist), OMC: Neil (Katie’s boyfriend)

Word Count: 5,770 (texts, thoughts, song lyrics in italics).

Part Summary: New Year’s Eve night finds Dean and Y/N still separated, but it’s nothing a little fun over the phone can’t fix. After a visit to her therapist, Y/N returns to Lawrence to have an important conversation with Dean, before they can embark on their journey as a couple.

Warnings: Swearing, Smut: Phone sex, Dirty talk, Male masturbation/Hand job, Female masturbation/Vaginal fingering. 18+ ONLY. Therapy session, Insecurities, Self image/worth issues, Mentions of reader’s ex, Mention of physical altercation against reader, Dean’s self deprecation rears it’s ugly head (slightly), Angst, Comfort, Fluff, Dean being sweet (yes, that’s a warning)

Music: This Is How by Louden Swain (Y/N post therapy session scene), Something by The Beatles (Dean and Y/N end scene).

Life’s Lessons Spotify Playlist

A/N: You guys are seriously the best! Thank you so much for all the love for this series. It really means the absolute world to me. There’s only 4 chapters and an epilogue left after this. I hate counting down, but I just want everyone to be prepared for the inevitable end. I can’t wait for you all see where this goes! Happy reading and enjoy! :)

Life’s Lessons Masterlist

Dividers by the wonderful @firefly-graphics! Check her out for all your AU needs!!!

Y/N concentrated as she applied her eyeliner, her face as close to the mirror as she could get it. She had given herself a smokey eye look, with a plum lipstick to match the colour of her sequin full-sleeve, backless dress. Katie sat on Y/N’s bed of the hotel room, dressed in a black dress and heels, just watching her friend as they talked.

It was New Year’s Eve, and Katie had booked her and her boyfriend one room at a fancy hotel in the city, and another for Y/N. Katie’s boyfriend, Neil had friends who were having a big party in the penthouse and asked him to bring anyone he knew along to the party. Y/N had protested at the start, given that it wasn’t really her scene, but Katie had insisted. Somehow, they managed to find a room once Y/N had agreed.

Y/N packed up all her make-up and put it back in her make-up bag. She slipped into her black heels, fixing her hair a little as she tossed it over one shoulder and turned back to Katie.

“I mean, it’s not really our scene either, but Neil knows these guys from work. I’m sure it’ll be fun” Katie said, still trying to convince Y/N even though she was almost ready. She had just never been a fan of New Year’s. It was always a letdown.

“I know” Y/N sighed. “I’m just going to feel like a third wheel.” She hated that she couldn’t be with Dean on this night, wanting to start the new year with him. As much as she had needed to see her family and she was so glad she got to spend this time with them, she regretted not scheduling the flight back to Kansas before New Year’s.

Katie frowned, knowing what she was thinking about. “You know I’d never make you feel like that. And besides, you’ll see Dean when you get back in a few more days. So, you’ll still be starting the new year with him.”

Y/N told Katie everything when she had come over to their house before Christmas Eve, and her friend had been incredibly happy for her and the prospect of a relationship with the neighbor she had been crazy about for months.

“I guess you’re right” Y/N shrugged.

“I’m always right” Katie said, laughing. “We’re going to have a great time and bring in the new year.”

Y/N laughed at her enthusiasm, shaking her head.

Once she was ready, she grabbed her clutch purse and put her phone and lipstick inside. She opened the door and they walked out into the hallway, Y/N locking the door and placing her key card in her clutch. Katie and Neil were one floor above her, and Neil had already gone up to the penthouse, so the girls decided they would meet him up there.

Once they got inside, Y/N and Katie smiled at each other, as people danced to music, drinks were being served from the small bar set-up, and waiters walked around with them and small canapes as well. Katie spotted Neil and they walked over, and he immediately took them both to the middle of the room, where people were dancing. Y/N bopped along, but knew she needed a drink before she lost herself in the music. She got herself a gin and tonic, standing off to the side where it wasn’t too crowded. Katie gestured she’d be over in a minute, and Y/N nodded, laughing slightly.

Y/N people watched, sipping her drink. Just as she was about to move and maybe decide to join Katie and Neil rather than stand off to the side, a tall man approached her. He was wearing a fancy sweater and dress pants, his dark hair slicked back.

“Hi” he flashed her smile, but Y/N wasn’t going to do anything about it. “You all alone over here?”

“No, I’m just waiting on some friends” she replied, politely, hoping he’d move on soon.

“Okay, but are you here by yourself? Got a boyfriend?” he asked.

“I do, he’s just not here” she lied. Dean wasn’t her boyfriend, not yet at least, but she needed to get this guy far away from her.

“Well, he won’t mind if-” he started to insinuate something, and she cut him off; shut him down.

“Actually, he would” she said, glaring at him. She walked off before he could say anything, walking over to her friends.

The rest of the night went on, as Y/N ate and drank a little more, and even danced a little with Katie and Neil. Katie took a bunch of pictures, only posting the appropriate ones of her. Life of a teacher meant you couldn’t really post drinking photos, so those were avoided. She was surprised, but she had a great time, and before everyone knew it, it was twenty minutes to midnight and to the beginning of the new year. However, as much fun as she had, there was someone who she really wanted to talk to and bring the new year in with. Even if he was in Kansas, which was an hour behind New York. She explained herself to Katie, who completely understood, and they wished each other a happy new year early, before Y/N left.

As soon as she entered her hotel room, she tossed her purse on the bed and kicked off her heels. She took out her phone and tried to connect FaceTime, but the hotel’s Wi-Fi was being crappy. She dialled his number, waiting for him to pick up as she sat on the bed.

“Hey” his cheery voice came through, a little loud as she heard music in the background.

“Hey” she said, smiling. “Where are you?”

“At Sam’s. They’re having a party and invited everyone over. The girls miss you” he told her, and she guessed he found a slightly quieter room, the music now muffled in the background.

“I miss them too” she said, frowning. “And… I miss you.”

“God, you have no idea how much I wish you were here. Pretty sure I’m the only one who doesn’t have someone to kiss at midnight” he chuckled, but she frowned knowing he was definitely trying to lighten his own mood.

“Well, I left the party early. It’s nearly midnight here, and I wanted to bring it in with you” she smiled, looking out the large window of her room.

Dean smirked as he sat down on Sam and Eileen’s bed. He really missed her and was so happy when he saw her name flash up on his screen. He snuck into a quiet room so that he could hear her properly.

“What? No good-looking New York men to kiss at midnight?” he teased, but really hoping he was right.

“You know you’re the only one I want to kiss from now on” she smiled, biting her lip.

Dean licked his lips, as he smirked. “Yeah, same here, sweetheart.”

Y/N hummed, leaning back against the pillows. “Good to know.”

There was a short pause before Dean spoke next. “So… you look amazing. Your friend posted a photo on Facebook.”

“Of course she did” she laughed, slightly.

“You uh… you still dressed?” he asked, hesitantly. He didn’t know if she’d be offended by where he was going with that question.

Luckily, Y/N knew exactly where he was going with it and was very much on board. “I don’t have to be.”

She stood up from the bed and unzipped the small zip at the dip in the back of the dress. She slipped her arms out and wiggled out of the dress, dropping it to the floor. Dean smirked as he heard the rustling of fabric. Y/N picked up her phone and laid back down on the bed in just her black thong, having forgone a bra because of her backless dress.

“I wish you were here” she said, softly.

“Me too, sweetheart. You… you wanna know what I’d do if I was?” he asked, closing his eyes as he heard her whimper.

“Yeah” she said, nodding.

Dean smirked, excited about where this was going. “I’d… kiss your breasts… and lick your nipples. I’d roll them between my fingers to get them hard.”

She sighed, as she brought her free hand to her right breast, rolling the nipple between her thumb and fore-finger.

“Are you touching yourself, Y/N?” he asked, his voice husky and downright seductive.

“Yeah” she sighed, licking her lips as she closed her eyes. She could feel her arousal growing between her legs, just from her ministrations and his voice.

“Good girl” he complemented her, trying to imagine her on the bed as he talked to her. He heard her whimper when he said that and smirked as he stored it away that she was into that.

“I’d love to see you right now. See you pinching your nipples, see your hand move down your beautiful body to your pussy…” he trailed off, his own arousal building.

Y/N breathed deep, as her hand skimmed over her stomach and down to her thong, pulling it to one side. She turned her speaker phone on to free her hand, moving it to her left breast, and paying it the same attention as her right. Her fingers dipped in between her folds, feeling the wetness there.

“Dean” she moaned, softly. “I’m…”

Dean felt himself getting hard as he heard her say his name. He had longed to hear it like that for so long, and he wished he could be there to do something about it.

“You what, sweetheart? Talk to me.” His voice was low and gravelly, turning her on even more.

“I’m so wet” she gasped, as she continued to move her fingers over the folds and up and around her clit.

“Fuck” he breathed out. “Are you wet for me, Y/N? Is it all for me?”

“Yes, you. Only you, Dean” she said, smiling.

Dean groaned, palming the outside of his jeans as he felt his hard on throbbing against the fabric. He looked between the bedroom door and the master bathroom, knowing that was the only way to avoid being walked in on. He rushed over to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it. He pressed the phone between his ear and shoulder, as he undid his belt and unzipped his jeans, leaning back against the door.

“Keep touching yourself for me, gorgeous. Move those fingers inside you. Tell me how it feels” he instructed her.

She moved her fingers to her entrance, inserting one first, then another when she adjusted, pumping them in and out. She rubbed the pads of her fingers against her wall, moaning as the pleasure pulsed through her. She smiled when she heard his belt and zipper over the phone and decided to have a little fun with him in return.

“Dean, it feels so good. My fingers feel so good inside my tight, wet pussy. I… I wish they were your fingers inside me” she moaned loudly, as she writhed on the bed.

“Me too, Y/N, me too. Picture it, sweetheart. Imagine it’s my fingers fucking you, making you feel so good” he whispered, closing his eyes, imagining it himself. He pushed his boxers aside, taking hold of his aching cock, and began pumping his hand along the shaft.

“You’re touching yourself, too aren’t you, Dean?” she asked, biting her lip.

“Yeah” he groaned, as he moved his hand along his cock.

“I bet you wish it was my hand, don’t you?” she moaned, as she continued to move her fingers within her core.

“Fuck, yeah I do, sweetheart. Wish it was your fingers… wish it was your tight little pussy wrapped around my cock, squeezing around me as you take me in” he grunted, gripping himself a little tighter.

“Dean” she moaned loudly. “Oh fuck, you’d feel so good inside me, filling me up, making me feel so full.”

Dean huffed at her words. Damn she was good at this. He threw his head back, hitting the door. His jaw clenched as he moved his hand faster, chasing his release.

“Dean. Dean, fuck… oh, fuck, Dean!” she shrieked, throwing her head back as her legs shook.

“Fuck, sweetheart. You sound so fucking beautiful, fucking yourself on your fingers” he growled. “Rub your clit, baby.”

Her thumb moved over her clit, circling the bundle of nerves, causing a string of loud moans to leave her lips.

“Dean, oh my god! I-I-I I’m gonna cum… Dean, I’m gonna cum” she stammered, overwhelmed by what she was feeling.

“Do it, sweetheart. Make yourself cum on your fingers. Make yourself cum for me” he groaned.

She moved her fingers and her thumb, faster as the waves of pleasure finally crashed over her. “Ah, fuck! Dean! Dean!” she moaned loudly, not caring if people in the other rooms around her heard anything. She came hard, her fingers soaked in her release.

“Fuck… shit… Y/N.” Dean held himself tightly, pumping faster and biting back a loud groan, as spurts of cum filled the palm of his hand.

They both breathed heavily, hearing each other come down from their high over the phone. Dean smirked, chuckling to himself. This girl was really something to get him that riled up that he had to do something about it right there, in his brother’s master bathroom at a New Year’s Eve party.

He heard her breathing heavily, probably still too blissed out to talk, causing him to grin. “Y/N?”

“That… was…” she kept pausing as she tried to catch her breath. She chuckled slightly, shaking her head. She couldn’t believe she just did that with him. She had never done that before.

“That was so fucking hot” he laughed, softly.

She hummed, still running her fingers over her folds, slowly. “Yeah, it was.”

“You’re welcome” he said, a cocky grin on his face.

She laughed, shaking her head, before it slowly died down. “I’ve… I’ve never done that before. You know… over the phone.”

“Coulda fooled me, sweetheart” he smirked, as he remembered everything she said. He needed to stop thinking about it, knowing it would get him hard all over again.

“I guess when it comes to you… I just know what I want to say or hear” she shrugged, holding the phone to her ear again.

Dean smiled. “Me too.”

Before she could say something, Y/N gasped as the fireworks started. She quickly sat up and smiled brightly as she saw all the beautiful colors outside her window, high in the sky as the fireworks erupted from the bridge.

“Happy New Year, Dean” she smiled, happier than she had been in a long, long time.

Knowing that it was already time there, Dean smiled. “Happy New Year, Y/N.”

“I can’t wait to come home to you” she told him.

“I can’t wait for that either” he smirked, his heart exploding with happiness. It scared him, not knowing what could happen in the future worried him, but he had to make sure things would be okay now. He knew they would be because they were going to be in it together. They were going to be a team and work hard to make a life for themselves. Together.

“Want me to call when it’s your turn?” she asked.

“No, you just get some sleep” he replied, quietly.

“Okay” she nodded. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Sweet dreams, Y/N” he smiled as they both hung up the phone.

Dean smirked to himself, waiting a few minutes to calm down as he cleaned up, made himself presentable again and went back out to the main room where the party was. He had done that with women before, but it was the first time in a long, long time that he had felt that satisfied without anything more. It was about them being there for each other, even if they couldn’t physically be together. That was just the beginning, and he really couldn’t wait to find out where they went from there.

Y/N’s leg bounced up and down, nervously as she waited. The waiting room was familiar, having come here every week for a year after her break-up with Ethan. Being back there brought up old feelings, but she quickly put them to bed. She wanted to go there to get her thoughts properly aligned, be sure that she was in a better headspace before she and Dean went any further than they had. She smiled to herself as thought about what happened a couple of nights ago. She had never done that with any of the other guys she had been with. She never trusted them enough to do that. With Dean, she felt like she could do anything, but she also felt like he would never judge her if she didn’t want to.

The door across from her opened, a woman walking out and down the hall, leaving the waiting room. She smiled as she saw her old therapist, Kathleen waiting with the door open. She stood up, fixed her boots over her knee and picked up her brown coat. She walked in, as Kathleen closed the door.

“Y/N” she smiled, shaking her hand. “It’s good to see you, after so long.”

“It has been a while” Y/N agreed. She knew that she could’ve seen someone in Kansas, but she knew that she needed to see Kathleen for familiarity and comfortability. She already knew her past struggles and would be able to help with her new ones based on her past experience. She didn’t want to have to repeat everything to someone new.

As they sat down across from each other, Kathleen turned to Y/N. “So… how have you been?”

Y/N looked around the office. Nothing had changed except for a few more photos of Kathleen’s kids. Kathleen was in her mid 40s now, the roots of her dark hair were beginning to grey, but she was as stylish as ever as she wore all black with chunky jewellery.

“I’ve been… good. Better than I have been in a long time” Y/N replied, with a soft smile. “I just know that I want to clear some things out of my head before I start to move on with my life.”

“Alright, so tell me what’s going on” Kathleen said, putting a glass of water in front of her.

Y/N went on to explain everything to Kathleen, stopping to clarify things when she asked. She knew about Y/N getting the job in Lawrence, that was the reason she had obviously stopped coming to see her. She told her about school, about Mark, about Lisa and of course, Dean. She told her everything, about the kiss, about giving him time with Lisa, about Mark being an asshole, about Dean being there for her when she needed him, and about their kiss before she left to come home for the holidays. She told her about the trust she had with him, but how she did fear that something would go wrong.

“I keep thinking about all the things I use to think when I was with Ethan. Like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never be able to make anyone happy. That I deserve to be alone. It all resurfaced again after Mark and now… I can’t shut it off” she explained, sadly.

“Has Dean ever made you feel that way? The way Ethan did?” Kathleen asked, her face neutral as it should be.

“No, never. Not once” Y/N said, firmly.

“He’s never said anything like that to you? Treated you that way?” Kathleen confirmed.

“No” Y/N shook her head. “He’s just… he’s so different. He’s… he’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“Then what scares you?” Kathleen questioned, looking at her.

Y/N huffed as thought about that question for a moment. “That… I might not be what he wants. Which is weird to even think because he’s told me that I’m it for him.”

“Have you spoken to him about this?” her therapist asked.

“No, not yet. I know I need to, though” Y/N replied, feeling tears brim against her lower lids.

“Do you think Dean would be open to having this conversation with you?” Kathleen wondered.

“I think so” Y/N nodded.

“Then, that’s your exercise. Having the conversation. Then, and only then, can you truly move forward with your life, Y/N. If Dean is the one that you want to be with, you have to make sure the past won’t creep into this relationship. You have to make sure he really knows how you feel, really knows what you’re thinking. A conversation over the phone is much different to one in person. Once he really sees you, sees how you’re feeling, that’s when you’ll know where you both stand” Kathleen explained.

Y/N sighed in relief. “You’re right. We just have to talk.”

Kathleen nodded, finally a very small smile on her face. “I’m afraid our time is up, but I’m very glad you came to see me.”

“Thank you so much, Kathleen” Y/N smiled.

“Don’t hesitate to go to someone in Kansas now. It’s difficult to repeat your past to a new person, but if you need the help… it’ll be worth it” Kathleen advised.

Y/N nodded, determined to look for someone once she got home. She might not see them straight away, but she would do her research just in case.

As Y/N left the therapist’s office and walked down the busy New York street, she smiled to herself, feeling lighter than she had in years. It was as if she had found a new voice, wanting to shout from the rooftops that she was happy. Content. She couldn’t wait to get home and see Dean. Yes, the conversation would be daunting but she was determined to do it. It would be the first step in moving forward for them, and she knew things were going to be better than ever once they spoke about this.

This is how your story is unfolding

Try to grab a hold and slow it down

Here and now the sun is also rising

Day in and out, it offers no relief

I find my voice and sing it from the rooftops

Stand up tall and slowly take a bow

This is how

Y/N unlocked the door of her house, sighing happily as she walked in. It was a tearful goodbye at the airport back home, with little Evie clinging to her, not wanting her aunt to leave. With a promise to be back or the promise from her sister that they would come and visit, it was set in motion that the family would see each other again, soon enough. She dropped her keys on the table by the door, unwrapping her scarf from her neck as she took off her loose-fitting grey coat. Dean had messaged her, saying he was on his way back from work while she was in the cab, and her heart was racing, knowing he’d be home any minute.

Settling her bags in the bedroom, ready to unpack later, the doorbell ringing frantically and three loud knocks alerted her. She dashed out of her room and ran down the hallway to the front door. She flung the door open, squealing as she saw his gorgeous face beaming at her. She jumped up, wrapping her arms around his neck, his automatically coming around her waist. She leaned in and kissed him, feverishly, not wanting to let go. They were locked in passion for a few moments, until the cold started to get to them. Dean walked her backwards, shutting the door behind him, blindly as he entered the house still locked in her embrace.

They slowly pulled away from each other, smiling as they took a few deep breaths.

“Hi” she sighed, smiling up at him.

“Hi” he said, smirking. “Fuck, I missed you.”

“I missed you too” she said, against his lips, kissing him again.

They continued their passionate embrace, as Y/N shuffled back towards the couch. She laid down, wrapping herself around him when he joined her. They locked lips, their hands roaming over each other, exploring each other. Her fingers scraped against his scalp as she combed her hands through his hair, his lips nipping at her neck. However, knowing there were things she needed to say to him, she gently pushed him up, smiling softly at his confused look.

“I think we should stop” she said, gently.

Not looking disappointed at all, he leaned down and pecked her lips, once. “Okay.”

He sat up on the couch and faced her, smiling softly. She smiled back at him, taking his hand in hers.

“There’s actually a few things I wanted to talk to you about” she said, trying not to show how nervous she was. “Maybe we can make dinner together tonight, then talk?”

“Yeah, of course, sweetheart” he replied, nodding. “Is… is everything okay?” His concerned expression made her smile, reassuringly.

“Yeah, everything’s good. I just need you to know some things I still have to tell you about Ethan” she replied, knowing she still hadn’t told him a few things, like she said she would when she was ready. And she was ready. “And I just think I need to air out what I’m feeling, before we continue with what we have.”

“Okay” he nodded, but still wondering what she was going to say. He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings very well, but he was going to try for Y/N. He needed her to know that this was it for him, even if he had already said it. He needed to show her now, by being there for her while she said what she needed to.

They spent the rest of the evening relaxing, watching crap TV before they started cooking. They made some fried chicken, cornbread and gravy, all of which Dean mostly did while she helped him with things in her kitchen. He insisted on doing most of it, and she was glad because even though she was a pretty decent cook herself, Dean was incredible. They talked and laughed over dinner, as they both relayed to each other their holidays and time with family, reiterating how much they missed each other.

As they moved over to the couch, Y/N with her wine and Dean with his whiskey, they sat down facing each other, the smallest of gaps between them.

“So…” she trailed off, her nerves bubbling up.

Dean took her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Take all the time you need, sweetheart.”

She nodded, quiet as she thought about her words. She sighed as she felt ready to talk, ready to tell him the last thing she needed to about Ethan, before she voiced her fears.

“You know most of what happened with Ethan. You know how controlling he was, how he’d tell me what I could and couldn’t do, but… you don’t know how he started telling me how I should look and dress. That dressing up meant I was trying to get attention from other men, but if I dressed down, he’d tell me I wasn’t attractive. He’d say things in the most convincing ways… and I’d believe him. I’d believe I wasn’t good enough for him… for anyone” she told him, as she avoided eye contact.

Dean looked at her as he tried to keep his anger at bay. He squeezed her hand tighter to let her know he wouldn’t let go. It was like the first time she told him about her ex. She finally looked at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“It went on for a while before my family realized what was happening. They kept telling me I had to leave him, but I couldn’t see it myself, yet. I thought he was trying to make me better. I thought he loved me. We kept seeing each other, eventually moving in together. One night, we were about to head out for dinner, and he said that I should change what I was wearing. I told him it was fine, and we started arguing. He kept saying that I never listened to him, that I never did what he told me to do. I knew that wasn’t true because I always did what he asked me. Things started to get really bad and he… um…” she stopped, taking a deep breath before she continued. “He pushed me, and I fell, hit my head on the coffee table. I managed to scramble up from the floor and call the cops.”

“Fuck, Y/N” Dean whispered, shaking his head. He couldn’t believe how anyone could do that to her.

“I blacked out on the way to the hospital, so I had to stay there for a while because of a concussion. My parents helped me move things out of the apartment and move back in with them. I pressed charges and got a restraining order, but I still saw him every now and then. His family has money, so they probably bailed him out. He kept trying to apologize to me, but I was done with him. It had been a year since we broke up, but with the multiple run-ins with him before he left… I knew I had to leave. There were just too many reminders of what I had been through and I needed to go” she finished what she needed to say, taking another breath to keep from crying.

A silence fell between them, their hands still intertwined. Dean lifted hers up and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. She smiled tentatively at him, feeling like she might explode from that gesture. He turned slightly, making sure he was really facing her properly, to look her directly in the eyes.

“I’ll never do that to you” he vowed. That statement pierced her heart as she saw a tear roll down his cheek. She knew it to be true. She knew he was the most beautiful man she could ever be lucky enough to have in her life.

“I know” she choked out, nodding to let him know she agreed as her voice gave out.

“Is that what you’re scared of?” he asked, fear making his chest tighten.

“No” she let out in a soft cry. “I’m just scared I won’t be good enough for you. That I’ll never be what you need, that this” she said, gesturing to herself and to her head, “this won’t be good enough for you. I’m a mess.”

He took the glass out of her hand and put it down on the coffee table, along with his. He cupped her face in his hands to make her look at him.

“Y/N, I need you to really hear me, okay?” he said, looking into her tear-brimmed eyes. “I want you, exactly as you are. Everything you’ve been through, it’s never gonna stop me from wanting you. You’re beautiful, smart, freaking hilarious. Fuck, sweetheart, you’re so fucking hot, you should know that from how much you turned me on that night we got each other off over the phone.”

One side of her mouth turned up in a half smile. “Really?”

“Yes” he said, without missing a beat. “Y/N… I meant it when I said this is it. You’re it for me, and I promise you that I will never make you feel like you’re anything less than the fucking goddess that you are.”

He moved forward, pressing his lips to hers, the kiss searing hot and imprinting onto her lips. She pushed herself into him, wrapping around him, never wanting to let go. She quickly pulled away, however, to look into his eyes again.

“I promise I’ll never let you go a minute without knowing how much you mean to me” she promised him.

“That’s good because… if you have worries, then I do, too” he said, shrugging.

“Tell me” she said, cupping his jaw.

“I feel like I don’t deserve you. Like, I’m not good enough for you. You’re so smart and have so much going for you… and I’m just a mechanic from a family of mechanics” he said, quietly, voicing his own fears as he looked away from her.

She shook her head, turning his head to make her look at him. “No, you’re not.”

“No?” he asked, slightly amused at how confident she was in her statement.

“No” she said, firmly. “You’re talented, and passionate and care about what you do. You’re so smart, Dean. Look at everything you’re about to accomplish with the new site. You’re amazing and I’ll never tell you you’re anything less than that.”

He smirked at her, pressing his forehead to hers. “Thank-fucking-god I helped you with your furniture.”

She laughed, as she remembered that day. The start of their story, even if they didn’t know it then. “I know.”

“So… can I take you out tomorrow night?” he asked, smirking.

“Are you asking me out, Dean Winchester?” she asked in return, playfully.

“You’re damn right I am, Y/N Y/L/N” he said, the smirk never leaving his face.

“I’d love for you to take me out” she said, kissing him, softly.

Dean slowly moved away from her, and she frowned as he walked over to the record player. He stood there for a minute, trying to decide what to play before his eyes landed on one of The Beatles albums he had. He picked it up and took it out carefully, putting it on. She smiled as he walked over to her, his hand out.

He smirked at her, offering his hand. She slipped her hand into his, loving the feel of their fingers intertwined. She pushed herself up on her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck as he wrapped his around her waist. He rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as she did the same.

Something in the way she moves

Attracts me like no other lover

Something in the way she woos me

I don’t want to leave her now

You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows

That I don’t need no other lover

Something in her style that shows me

I don’t want to leave her now

You know I believe and how

Sometime after, they caught up on their favourite show for the rest of the night, slightly wrapped around each other, stealing kisses every now and then.

They both knew they would have struggles in the future, it was naïve to think they wouldn’t. They knew, however, that they could handle it because of one thing.

They were together now.

And together they could take on absolutely anything.

-x-

Tags: @flamencodiva @deanwanddamons @winchest09 @katehuntington @akshi8278 @hobby27 @michellethetvaddict @spngirl05 @kyjey @halesandy @440mxs-wife @stoneyggirl @deanswaywardgirl @wonder-cole @that-one-gay-girl @redbarn1995 @marianita195 @babypink224221 @deans-baby-momma @parinarain @thoughts-and-funnies @mandalou29 @castiels-a-winchester @ellewritesfix05 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @supraveng @roonyxx @supernatural-love14 @vicmc624 @prettyboyswow @lunarmoon8 @supernatural-bellawinchester

#Life's Lessons #Dean x Female!Reader #Dean x Female!Reader Series #Dean x Female!Reader Fanfiction #Female!Reader Insert #Mechanic!Dean #Teacher!Reader #Dean x Reader Fanfiction #Dean Winchester Series #Dean Winchester Fanfiction #Dean Winchester Fanfic #Supernatural Fanfiction

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gossip-girl-of-middleearth · 3 years

Note

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

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Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

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When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!

#ahh yes #Newsies my beloved <3 #and bless my family Gandalf #I’m gonna send him a gift next year from the small country town I’m moving to for his birthday as a thanks #also I’m torn between naming the golden retriever ‘Jaskier/Dandelion’ or ‘Glorfindel/Glorfy’ now #so happy that’ll soon be my only dilemma in life <33

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evanbuckley-heartofgold · 3 years

Note

Sorry to bug you again, but I thought of this immediately after my first ask: what about the FireFam seeing just how much Chris relies on Buck? Maybe there is a call at his school, or Chris has a meltdown for some reason, but as soon they are in scene/when Chris gets brought to the station mid-meltdown, Buck is down the stairs before even Eddie can react - is one his knees and holding Chris within seconds, shushing him and telling him he’s safe, Buck’s got him, hey Dad’s here too, Buddy, you’re safe now?

(I’m in a very Buck-Is-Christopher’s-Co-Parent mood and there is never enough Christopher Diaz Love in the world)

Pt 1: So I have been trolling the tags, as one does, and after reading a few Post-Tsunami fics - can we get one with Buck and Chris dealing with it years later? Like maybe something at school brings it up & It’s Buck that immediately knows and gets what’s bothering him? Maybe Chris wanting to go to a pool party but being afraid and Buck canceling plans/switching shifts so that he can be there?

Read on ao3 (1.5k)

Shifts without Eddie are always the worst. They seem to drag on not to mention Hen and Chimney’s constant teasing about him missing his boyfriend. But Eddie called out for the day to help his abuela fix her porch so Buck is left alone with Hen and Chimney who seem to have nothing better to do than good naturedly bully him.

Now, Buck sits at the dining table, scooping lunch into his mouth, knowing any second the bell could ring and he’d be forced to abandon yet another meal. But what interrupts his meal isn’t the bell it’s a shout of, “Buck!”, from downstairs. He’d know that voice anywhere.

Buck quickly walks over to the railing and sees Eddie walking into the station, his momentary confusion at Eddie’s presence washes away when he sees Chris beside him, looking very absent and leaning heavily into his dad’s side. Buck flies down the stairs, eyes only on Christopher.

He slowly crouches down in front of Christopher, and this close Buck can see that his breathing is shallow and his eyes are unfocused. “Hey, buddy,” Buck says softly. When Chris doesn’t react, Buck looks at Eddie who looks just as lost as Buck feels.

“School called me and said that Chris was having some kind of episode.” Eddie squeezes Chris a little more into his side. “I took him home and tried to get him to tell me what was wrong but he only said your name so I figured if I brought him here you might be able to help.”

Buck nods and looks back and Christopher. He takes Chris’s hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “Okay, peanut. I’m not really an expert, but I’m going to try my best here.” Buck tugs Christopher forward until the boy leans against his chest, Eddie taking Chris’s crutches. Buck hugs him tightly, hoping the pressure will do something to bring Christopher back to them. “I’ve got you.” He gently rubs Chris’s back. He whispers quiet affirmations into the boy’s ear until Christopher lifts his head and blinks up at Buck.

“Bucky?”

“Hey, superman.” Buck smiles and squeezes Christopher’s arms. “Lost you there for a second. How are you feeling?”

“I-I…” Christopher looks around at the station, taking it in for the first time. Then he glances over at Eddie before leaning closer to Buck and quietly telling him. “I heard the ocean and-and then I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t find you.” Then, even quieter, “Bucky, I don’t remember coming here.”

Oh.

Buck gives him a reassuring smile despite his racing mind. “That’s okay, buddy. You’re okay. Let’s get you upstairs and then you can take a nap and have something to eat.” Chris nods and lets Buck scoop him up into his arms, head automatically resting on Buck’s shoulder.

While Chris can’t see his face, Buck looks at Eddie, silently asking if Eddie had heard what Chris had said. Eddie nods, his expression neutral, something Buck has come to learn means that what’s going on inside his head is anything but.

Once Christopher has gotten settled and tucked under a blanket, Eddie and Buck walk into the kitchen, Eddie taking a seat at the breakfast bar while Buck leans on the counter. Eddie rakes his fingers through his hair.

Eddie sighs, “He told me they were learning about marine biology this month. Maybe his teacher played something or showed him something that triggered him. I-I don’t know I thought it was getting better.”

“Eddie, has this been happening a lot?”

Eddie looks up at Buck, “Kind of? It was happening a lot more a few months back. He would have nightmares a lot and he couldn’t stand the sound of running water. He’s been seeing a therapist, but he doesn’t really talk to me about any of this stuff. And for a while you and I…” Eddie trails off but Buck knows what he means.

They couldn’t stand to be in the same room together for more than ten minutes without biting each other’s heads off. It had taken dozens of failed apologies and miscommunications before they had finally both gotten their heads out of their asses, apologized and then admitted their feelings for each other.

Buck takes Eddie’s hand in his, “Eds. This isn’t your fault, you’re a great dad. I’m still struggling after the tsunami too, maybe the three of us can do this together. None of us have to be alone.”

Eddie squeezes his hand, “Okay.”

Buck wakes up to someone calling his name. His eyes flash open and he sits up groggily, clicking on the lamp. Beside him, he can see Eddie is doing the same, scrubbing a hand down his face. Buck squints in the darkness unsure if he just imagined it.

“Buck!” The cry is almost desperate and Buck knows immediately that it’s Chris. Just like that he is out of bed, quickly followed by Eddie as he rushes down the hallway to Chris’s bedroom. The door is slightly open and when Buck pulls the door open, he sees Chris thrashing on his bed, still asleep.

Buck sits on the edge of the bed and reaches over to touch Chris’s shoulder, shaking him gently, “Hey, buddy. It’s just a dream. You gotta wake up.” After a second, Chris’s eyes fly open and he gasps in air.

Upon seeing Buck, Chris throws himself into the older man’s arms, burying his head against Buck’s chest, crying. Buck hugs him back immediately, his heart aching for the pain Chris is in. “I’m right here, Chris. I’ve got you.”

“You didn’t though,” Chris whispers through his tears. Buck feels his heart split in two, now fighting back tears of his own. “I-I was lost and there was so much water and I-”

“Shh…” Buck rocks him side to side as he begins to sob. “I’m sorry, peanut. I’m sorry that I lost you. But I swear to you that will never happen again, I’ve got you now and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go again.” Buck presses a kiss to the boy’s curls. “Just breathe.” Chris nods and Buck can feel Christopher’s stuttering breath against his chest. “Just like that, peanut.” He takes the next breath with Chris.

“Buck…”

“I’m right here.” Buck looks over his shoulder to see Eddie in the doorway watching the two of them with an unreadable expression in the darkness. “Your dad’s here too, bud.”

Chris lifts his head and peers over Buck’s shoulder at Eddie. “Dad?” He asks, voice cracking. Eddie sinks down onto the other side of the bed and embraces Buck and Chris so Chris is sandwiched between them, safe on all sides.

“We’ve got you, mijo. It’s alright now.”

It takes a year and a half before Buck and Chris agree to go to the beach.

It’s a warm Monday afternoon since Chris has off of school for the day, Eddie and Buck decided it would be the perfect day to go to the beach when it is likely not to have much traffic. Luckily they’re right and they manage to find a secluded spot to lay out their towels.

For the first half-hour or so, Buck just sits with his arm around Chris, looking out at the water. Even being this close is making his heart beat faster and his palms get all sweaty. Chris is just as nervous, telling Buck and Eddie as much.

“Do you still want to do this?” Eddie asks, crouching down next to where they’re sitting. “Because we can always go home and try again later.”

Chris shakes his head, “I want to try. Just promise you won’t let me go under?”

“I promise,” Eddie holds his hand over his heart.

A few minutes later the three of them walk down to the shore. Chris has a hand on both Eddie and Buck both for reassurance and balance. They stop where the sand is wet and let the cold ocean water lap up to their ankles.

Buck takes a shaky breath and takes another step. Chris looks up at him, “It’s scary, isn’t it.”

“It sure is, kid. But your dad’s going to keep us safe, he’s not going to let us go underwater.”

Eddie reaches out his free hand and gives Buck’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve got you both.”

They take another step and Buck has to fight the rising panic as the water reaches his knees. He feels Chris squeeze his hand and he looks down at the boy, giving him a grateful smile. “Keep going?” Eddie asks.

Buck and Chris both nod. They take a couple more steps.

When the water touches Chris’s chest, he takes a panicked breath in and quickly shakes his head from side to side. “Okay, mijo, I’ve got you.” Eddie and Buck gently guide Christopher back a few steps until the water is lower on his body.

“Okay?” Buck asks. Chris nods and pulls away from Eddie to lean his full body weight on Buck. Buck wraps his arms around Chris’s back and runs his fingers through the boy’s curls. “We’re going to be okay, superman.”

#my fic #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #evan buckley #Buddie #buddie fic #911 #911 fic

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