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dragscore · 2 years

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val and azazel one shot, back when azazel still went by alex and hadnt been taken to antirrhinum yet.

cw for cocsa and rape discussion

It had been a particularly long week.

Val stood in his room, getting into something more comfortable for the evening. He couldn’t quite decide for a moment what he wanted to wear. Was standing in his underwear, staring at some of his clothing. Cute feminine sets he saved for days he felt most like himself, comfortable masculine clothing for when he wanted to look nice but like he could take a nap anywhere. Cardigans, dresses, skirts, pants. He sort of wore anything he liked. He just couldn’t focus on the clothes at the moment.

Layla had been looking at him a lot on the way back. Very confused. Very concerned, probably. He tried to play it off, but it was impossible to lie.

Tithonia was never his favorite place to go to, but he bore through it for his job and his loyalty.

She asked a few times in confidence. “Val, what’s wrong?” but he just smiled. “It’s been a busy week. I miss home is all.” It wasn’t a lie. Didn’t find itself dying in his throat before he could say it. It would worry her more if it did.

He didn’t like keeping things a half truth with the princess - she was his little sister at this point. One of the few people to look at him with such unconditional love, he could never doubt her intentions. He didn’t know a lot of people like that. Even the former king, Dalimil - his love had conditions, surely.

He touched at his waistband, chewing on his lip. Very few people saw Valerio as anything beyond just that. Layla was close to his heart for her pure intention. She never had a very good childhood. Even with a father as loving as hers. He sort of envied her in the beginning, for having such a loving and stubborn father, but he soon channeled that into accepting her love as well.

Despite that, though, he just couldn’t let her into the awful little world spinning in his head.

Tithonia was his homeland. An awful one, but... It had its pluses - the eternal night, the beautiful lights that made up for its darkness. The wonderful food, always so diverse and flavorful. Val loved its oceans, the smell of the salt on the air. The towering buildings and the busy crowds. It was so easy to get lost in and become as indistinct as the people around him. Sure, he was fey, but he had no memories of the fey wilds. He only saw the High court a few times, and he never stayed long. Never had the chance to enter the Winter court, especially when his father was around.

But he hated going there.

He decided on something comfortable. One of his cardigans and some thin yet airy pants. He figured since he was still a little awake, he’d go to the dungeon tonight. He could get away with it easily these days. Most people just knew he liked to wander the court’s grounds. And he did. He’d stray to other places as well. But in recent years, he liked visiting the dungeon for a long while.

Sometimes with his chess board, sometimes the books he’d write. His concepts. Sometimes he’d bring food. Blankets. All just to see the one prisoner in there.

It was uncommon for Wisteria to keep prisoners for long. They normally had different sentences depending on the offender. Community service being a good deal under the new rule, unless the aggressor committed an especially awful crime. Assassination, near or completed. War crimes. Rape. Anything like that. They would handle it however the situation deemed. The dungeons were mostly a temporary solution. But for this prisoner…

Layla deemed it a permanent one, He would suffer down there for eternity. She didn’t like the fact they still had to feed him, but other basic necessities they would forgo. She didn’t care if he got it or not. Honestly, if she had the choice, she’d just kill him again. And again. And again. But she had more important things to do than repeatedly murder her aggressor - her ‘rapist’. She’d never know the truth, not unless they knew she could handle it. But to Val, as selfish as it was, thought she did better without that dark information. He thought she made so much progress, he couldn’t handle the thought of seeing his little sister fall apart over something so world shattering.

He knew the weight of false memories. He didn’t want her to deal with it. Maybe that’s why he struggled with trusting Dalimil - they were sort of the same that way.

He set out of his room, adjusting the buttons on his cardigan. The halls were empty at this time of night. Servants all settling for bed, the king and queen doing the same. He hoped Layla was resting well. Seeing her cousin was always annoying. He was particularly bratty, not happy to listen to her decrees and just wanting to goof off. His father did not like his attitude. Val recalled listening to their fights pretty often. The prince didn’t exactly want to be in that position.

Little flickers of memory with him would surface - he remembered listening to him cry to Val about how he wished he could just laze all day. Laze all day with him and food and drink. He’d cry and cry, tell him he wanted the both of them to abandon their posts and…

An awful swelling in his chest. He hurried his pace.

Passing through the nondescript halls you could get lost in, barely registering the new art on the walls. He hoped he wouldn’t be getting visits from the prince like this all night. No wonder he wanted to visit the prisoner - no wonder he wanted to say hi to Alexander after a week of no word. At least he could sort of forget the world outside that cell for a little while. Sure, they’d speak for hours about their lives, but it was easier that way. It felt more like he was speaking about someone else. Weaving a tale for someone.

He wasn’t sure how long it took him to get outside. The way to the dungeon was sort of separated from the castle - a safety measure for the people and the prisoners. He trudged through the warm night, startled slightly by fireflies floating by him. It was nearing summer. He would have to ask Alex if he needed to figure out turning on the air constantly down there again. Adrien would know better how to do it, since it was a Celosian gift in the first place.

Val passed by the training yard, noting some soldiers still outside, practicing and chatting idly. Some waved to him. He waved back. He didn’t really care too much to stay. They didn’t care either. He headed down a hall, with windows peeking out into the mountains facing them. Somehow, Wisteria felt more closed off than Tithonia did. The oceans made it feel like he had endless pathways to other worlds. The mountains felt… Claustrophobic. But safe, somehow.

After what felt like endless walking, he stopped at the entrance to the dungeons. Walking in, there was just a little table to sit at before you went through another door, to descend into the dungeon. Some days there’d be guards here, but they didn’t exactly skulk here often during the night. No one seemed to know just how capable Alex was. But most of the time the guards would just justify it like ‘well, we’re not far from the dungeon, we could see him if he got out. He’s weak, why would he go far?’.

He’d never be able to side with them without the words getting caught. He’d get Alex and himself in a world of trouble.

Passing through the door and heading down into the dungeon, he felt a sort of welcoming air as soon as he got in there. Gods, he was weird. Completely twisted. Finding comfort in such a place. But Alexander was one of the few people who knew how ugly Valerio truly was. Sure, there was no unconditional love (the only love he felt was familial - he warned himself that if these things did spark, Alex would never be able to fit that for him, and he was at peace with it), but there was an unconditional… trust? Understanding?

Funny, to think he held him and Layla up on the same pedestal. He’d never tell her that.

He could hear Alex already registering Val’s presence. A soft chuckle, the clinking of his cuffs against each other as he sat up in his cot to greet him. A consistency that Val welcomed.

“You’ve been gone for a while, Valerio,” Alex said as he came into view. He couldn’t exactly hide his smile from the man.

Their dynamic was… Well. He trusted Alex, despite his disposition. Despite what people knew him as. Valerio himself knew the truth, and so his opinion shifted completely. They were close. They were two fucked up people who did fucked up things that could trust the other with their complete self. And their relationship got extremely complicated. They laid with each other several times - literally, and in the sexual sense. They bathed together, ate together. Cried. Mostly it was Val, but still. He’d seen Alex cry too.

And so, in his tired state, wanting to forget his time in Tithonia, he saw seeing Alex as a good way to just let those hours melt away. He unlocked the gate and entered, sitting down on the cot with him.

“Yes, I didn’t have much time to come by and explain why. We had to go to Tithonia for the usual discussion of how things are going over there.” Val lifted his left up to fold it against him so he could rest his head on his knee, staring at the man. “We only just got back a few hours ago. Layla wanted to see some new attractions with Adrien. I just sort of tagged along.”

Alex had a distinctive look on his face - but he didn’t say anything. Just furrowed his brow before he took a breath.

“So it was more of a vacation for the king and queen then?”

“I encouraged it. They’ve been pretty strung out lately. What with Rondeletia and Celosia having their own mess, and Altissima’s situation only just starting to straighten out now that Micaiah is there to rule. I also sort of missed some of the restaurants. Call it a selfish reason, if you will.”

“Well, I was thinking you had gotten into trouble for coming here. Good to see you’ve narrowly avoided the law again.”

“Oh, I’ll figure it out if that ever happens. Don’t worry.” Val leaned against the wall, just staring. He didn’t have a ton of energy, now that he felt so much more relaxed in Alex’s company. Better than being alone. “Did they keep you fed while I was gone?”

“Ah yes, I’m absolutely full to bursting after eating extravagant meals such as cold soup, plain crackers, and some shitty tap water. Yes, they gave me the bare minimum as usual.”

“Hmm, I did wrap up some of the food from Tithonia. Maybe I’ll share some with you tomorrow. I meant to bring things like I usually do, I was just more…” He paused.

He paused for a while, actually. Alex tilted his head, eyes narrowing.

“Valerio?”

“I was more… Ah, uh, preoccupied.”

“With what?”

Oh. He was sounding off. He swallowed. “My outfit.”

“Your outfit?”

“Yes, I was unsure if I wanted to wear something feminine or something lazy. As we see, I chose one of my more comfortable outfits.”

“Well, it’s probably midnight out there. You wouldn’t need to make yourself pretty for me, Valerio.”

He couldn't help laughing. He felt there was something more romantic to the idea of surprising Alex with clothes. Coming down here in a sexy dress or form fitting suit. Alex would have every right to question his motives then.

Val just hoped all the swelling in his chest would stop soon. He tried to relax himself, tried to remind himself he was where no one could get to him. Somehow, one of the safest places in the world to him was a goddamn prison cell. But Alex understood and knew his traumas. Alex himself was a victim of similar atrocities - sure, when they spoke of it, when Val tried to help him parse through one such trauma, Alex insisted he used it. He used it for his own gain. But he knew, regardless of the reason, it was still… That. Still assault. Still was up to the person in greater power to not make it happen, and to divert the situation. Always up to the other person. He insisted that with Alex. The man half heartedly let him win that argument.

Of course, with a catch. “Don’t blame yourself, then.”

He swallowed.

He needed to ignore it.

Staring at the man with him, he smiled gently, hoping it didn’t look as tearful as his eyes threatened. He leaned in and kissed him on the end of his nose. Alex just made a soft chuckle, reaching to take one of his hands.

“It was awfully boring not seeing you there,” Val mused, looking down at the soft, downy feathers touching his hands. “Sure, it makes sense not to. But any excursion we shared in Tithonia, when you’d let me go with, was quite humorous.”

“You could read through my passive aggression?” Alex chuckled.

“Yes. It always made things less dull. Sure, Layla these days has her own funny little comments, and Adrien barely has the mouth to tolerate being polite to people like the Tithonian prince, but… You had a certain fire there. For lack of a better word.”

“I myself hated Tithonia. I would try to make it be known in words laced with passiveness and ill intent.”

“I could tell completely you didn’t enjoy it yourself. I just tried to imagine your wit whenever the prince or his father would speak.”

“I’m sure they haven’t changed. That family is made of poison.”

He eventually found himself leaning against the man, trying to find comfort in his form. So lanky yet well built. Sturdy. He felt odd describing a harpy man to himself like that, but he felt it. He took a deep breath, nestling into his chest.

“It’s nice being back, though. This is one of the few places I feel comfortable at.” He was carefully choosing his words.

“What a weird place to be comfortable in,” Alex chuckled. “You really aren’t a normal person.”

“Yes, I know this. I don’t exactly care. I’ll take what I can get,” he murmured.

Alex seemed fine with that response. Just chuckled again as he allowed Val to take the time to cuddle into him. He hoped he could just ignore what was going on. Ignore that, even with his curse, he still remembered him. Somehow, it was so prevalent in his mind that he couldn’t sleep without thinking about it. Maybe all the muddled memories coming up in between to show him different associations. The prince felt like an anomaly. Something wrong. Something wrong yet consistent in his memory. He couldn’t make heads or tails of it. He took a deep breath.

Looking up at the man, he smiled softly, then leaned up to kiss his chin. Alex had a peculiar look on his face, then smiled and tilted his head to give Val a proper kiss. They traded kisses for a few moments, a softness building between them that started to calm Val down. Sitting up slightly to wrap his arms around him, then resting in his lap. Alex made no noise of protest, just welcomed it with more kisses, a little hum.

He was slowly melting into their pattern, happy to be in Alex’s arms for the night. He’d probably return before dawn, but if he fell asleep here, no one would really notice. Tomorrow was his day off and he could pass it off as he went out into town. He always did. The princess just knew he was seeing someone, but he wasn’t willing to introduce her until he knew where their relationship status would go.

Which was never. Ever.

He felt his heartrate calming as he played with Alex’s hair, letting the man take the kisses wherever he liked. Val’s troubles slowly ebbing away unt-

Sharp, sharp feeling in the back of his leg.

He tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the phantom limbs ghosting along that little spot. There was an awful dread building in his chest again, remembering his little altercation earlier in the week. He tried his best to let it leave him, but soon enough, he had to break away.

“Val?” Alex asked, confused, breathless.

He didn’t realize, but he had skittered away, up against the other end of the bed. Trying to keep in mind where he was. Fully clothed, with Alex, in the dungeon. Alex knew not to touch that spot. He didn’t touch it at all. He was okay. He took a deep breath, took several of them, trying to play it off.

“Val, what’s wrong?”

“Ah, I- Got flustered,” good, it didn’t get stuck. “Got flustered, needed a moment.”

“Are you sure it was just-”

Please don’t let me ruin this.

“Y-yes, I was getting a little swimmy. It’s okay.”

He tried again, slowly crawling back to pepper kisses. Alex seemed more in tuned with his actions, so he tried to hide any of the nervousness in his legs. He was safe here, it was okay. Alex was a safe person. Safe and unconditional. The safest part being they knew what they wanted and what their limits were.

Safe like the promise of being kept away from people who could hurt him and use him. Alex didn’t want to use him, he’d never do that. He’d never come up behind him, no warning, drag his claws up the back of his leg, trail it up to his waistband and-

He kept trying to shut out the thoughts with kisses. Tried to focus on his warmth. Radiating from his feathers and his body. Warmth he invited so fervently.

He tried not to get distracted - tried not to think about it. Alex was safe. Safe safe safe. He was sure that, if someone did come down here to hurt him, Alex would show some of his otherworldly strength and tear his aggressor apart.

Val didn’t like that he imagined Alex as his protector - Alex didn’t need to do that. Val didn’t deserve it. He was a very easy target. Even now. Even knowing he didn’t like these things. He would just shut down and do whatever the person wanted. Just a good, obedient little slave to-

He was trying to wrench himself away, his body reacting immediately.

He was ruining it.

Wordlessly, he found himself back at the other end of the bed. Alex was staring at him in horrified confusion. Val didn’t realize it, but his legs were trying violently to close themselves. He positioned himself in such a way that he could make himself small, so that no one could access the parts of him that they wanted.

He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t say anything. But he couldn’t handle the fact he was showing this to Alex! He tried to stop it, tried to get closer to the man. But his body wouldn’t let him. It was frozen. He wasn’t sure what the hell was happening, but the man looked horrified.

“Val? Val.” Alex was already trying to shake him out of his mental fog. He didn’t dare come closer. He was understanding enough about these things, even if Val desperately wanted his touch.

He didn’t open his mouth. Just struggled to get himself to a point where he could move. But his limbs felt heavy. Why was it that then, his body had this reaction, but earlier in the week…

“Val, what’s wrong?” He was using his casual name. He didn’t process before. “Did I touch somewhere bad?” No, no he didn’t. Val swallowed hard, trying to calm his heart.

He took deep breaths, trying to work it out for himself. He never opened up to anyone about his trauma, really. It felt easier to try and let it go away, try to pray it’d muddle itself with the rest of his screwed up memories. It never did. Most of it happened after he was cursed. Sure, the way the prince spoke, things may have gone that way even before - he wasn’t sure why, but the leg trigger had been in him since the start.

Val just could never talk about it. He did in bits and pieces with Alex, but he tried so hard to let it die. He was never good at talking about his issues, and this was one of them.

He swallowed again. Okay. Try to get some words out.

Part of him wanted so bad to just ignore it and try to continue where they left off, but he couldn’t. Not if it was this strong. He could already feel bile building in his throat as he tried to get his words together.

“Y-you did nothing,” was all he could spit out.

Alex seemed to relax slightly, but was still on high alert. Observant eyes scanning over him while he tried to figure out what to do. He took a deep, calculated breath, as he sat cross legged, letting his body language be more obvious for Val. Like maybe he wanted him to know where the man’s limbs would be for the duration of this issue.

Val did not want to ruin this. He felt like sobbing, begging Alex not to see him any less for it. He knew he wouldn’t, but the fear was immeasurable.

“I’m going to take… a few guesses. Maybe just one. Are you okay with that?” He asked softly. Val swallowed, still curled up in his spot.

“Yes.” It was barely a whisper. At least Alex had strong hearing.

“Did something… happen, in Tithonia? Or are some of your memories resurfacing?”

He was too good at reading Val. He swallowed.

“T-Tithonia. Maybe the second too.”

“And so you tried… doing this with me while it was fresh?” He didn’t seem mad, but Val knew this would sit in his mind somehow. He swallowed again. Trying to get himself out of his position. He needed to work with his words.

“I-I- You’re- You’re safe to me, I t-thought I just needed time with you. Not alone. I d-didn’t realize it was going to hit me so str-strongly.”

Alex seemed almost apologetic. Tilting his head. Val needed to say more.

“W-wasn’t looking to cope with pleasure instead. I truthfully wanted to see you, however it would go. I was hoping I just needed to ignore it and not be alone for a night. I-I didn’t want to…”

He hated how his voice sounded then, closing his eyes.

“I didn’t want to r-ruin it.”

“... Ruin it? You aren’t- Val, you aren’t ruining anything by being triggered.”

“I-I…” He was sniffling, oh gods, he was sniffling? “I was r-really looking forward to seeing you, after how the week went. Even if we just cuddled, I didn’t want to ruin that. E-even if we were just going to end up making out and falling asleep. I didn’t want to ruin it, I didn’t want to let him ruin it. T-this is supposed to be safe, a-and…”

He was probably ignoring the part of Val looking forward to see him, because all Alex did was give him the most empathetic look possible as he inched closer. Hands out so he could see them. Alex was in shackles - sure, he was strong as hell, but Val wasn’t exactly afraid of him hurting him. But the both of them knew his body would have different ideas. Any touch was alien at the moment apparently.

“Val, it’s…” He paused. “It’s unresolved trauma. I won’t blame you. I’m just more concerned about you and your health. You don’t have to go, you didn’t ruin anything here, I just want to know what I can do right now.”

“B-be here.”

“I can’t exactly leave, so you got me there,” he answered back. His sarcasm was a blessing.

“I-I don’t know what I want,” Val sniffled. He couldn’t believe he was crying in front of someone. Most of all Alex. “I-I can normally ignore this, but it’s crawling in my thoughts and I can’t stop thinking about it, I try to get it out and when I calm down, it comes right back. I-it’s plaguing me, Alex.”

Alex stayed quiet. Then closed his eyes. Val wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He felt him come closer again, but Val didn’t flinch. He was trying to fight his trauma response so he could be by this safe person. The aasimar was entirely welcomed in his little world, and he needed his body to accept that.

“You’re just letting it fester, then,” Alex murmured. “You might need to talk about it. Which I know could be especially painful, but…” He tilted his head, cold blue eyes taking in Val’s pathetic form. “It’s safe to with me. I won’t let it escape our vicinity.”

He didn’t like the panic rising in his chest at the idea of revealing to someone what sort of toy he really could be. But Alex knew some things. He heard the old rumors. The prince insisting Val was his betrothed. That no matter who he married, Val would be his. People whispering about the dog trainer’s son being the secret lover of the prince. An unfit wedding - he wouldn’t bring anything to their business, but he would bring something to the prince’s bed.

Alex was opening up the chance for Val to try and get these demons off his chest. He wanted so badly to ignore it. Let it float away. But he did not want it to keep eating at him. He needed to talk to someone about it. Val breathed, trying to catch his breath, trying to ignore the tears streaming down his cheeks. He was terrified of being judged, but Alex was offering.

He was able to move himself some. Awkwardly, but he could. So he slowly inched closer, trying to fight his stupid response. He did not want to talk about this without some company close to him.

“You know well enough I-I’ve dealt with some similar trauma already,” Val breathed. “You alluded to it but had no idea it was actually a thing that happened.”

“I just had an inkling, is all.” Alex was soft in his response, trying to be blunt but caring. “I don’t know about other people, but I tend to get a vibe from other victims.”

Somehow, it hurt that he gave off the impression that someone used him. But he could at least find comfort that someone could tell he was in pain. He wasn’t sure why, when he tried so hard to hide it.

“Well…” Val breathed. “I-I’m not sure what to say, where to go, uhm…”

“Just word vomit, then. I’ll understand. Go by your own pace. You said I was safe, right? Then keep that in mind. I’m not going to judge you for your trauma.”

… Yes, Alex was safe. The dungeon was safe.

He closed his eyes. That would help.

“When we were in Tithonia, I saw the prince again. O-of course. Uhm…” He paused, then noticed Alex wanted to say something. He nodded slightly.

“I recall, if we had to go to Tithonia, when I was still masquerading as Layla’s fiancee, noticing he was… keen on you,” Alex murmured. “I was never sure why, until I heard some of the rumors. If I could help it, I would try to make it so you wouldn’t be able to go.”

Val frowned, confused. “Is that why you’d argue that it’d be better to leave me home for those trips?”

“If I was able to do whatever you’d be there for, I would, yes. I could tell you were uncomfortable with him, and I could tell he was obsessed with you.”

Val… couldn’t help feeling so touched then. Even if Alex at the time would pretend it was for his own gain, the fact he did that made him feel warm.

Sort of like, in some way, Alex had always been safe. He didn’t want to tell him that, though.

“I… a-appreciate that,” Val answered. He swallowed, hoping he wouldn’t notice it just made him more tearful. “I feel awful for it, but I’ve never enjoyed going back there. Especially this time.”

“I understand. I never liked going back home and seeing my mother. That’s why I’d do that for you when I could.”

Val stayed quiet, ruminating on that. Alex was honestly a very caring person at his core. He didn’t like to admit it, for the things he had done, but he was a sweet person. Alex finally spoke up, breaking the silence and tugging him from his thoughts.

“The princ- er, queen, doesn’t know, does she?”

“No. I can’t bear to speak about it. So he came to talk to me during downtime. Uhm…” He breathed. “I-I’d rather not go into detail, but he took up some of my time the way he always did. It was just one time, but he kept his eye on me the whole time we were there. The trip wasn’t exactly as relaxing as it could have been, you see.” He hoped there would be some humor in his tone at the end, but he couldn’t quite make it.

Not that Alex would find the humor in that statement. He shifted, staring intently at Val.

“So he raped you then.”

Val flinched at the word, but nodded.

“I assume for the first time in a long time.”

“Not since Dalimil took Amrita, Mikael, and I here. Not since then.”

Alex had that same apologetic look. He didn’t seem ready to pull Val over, but Val felt like leaning on him again. He knew Alex wouldn’t be the type to say sorry for someone else - it would just sound like Alex caused it somehow. Val decided to close the distance and lean on him, but didn’t break beyond the boundary his body was comfortable with.

“I… think you need to talk to Layla or Adrien sometime about it. Being the diplomat, you’d have to see him still, but if they know…”

“I-I can’t bear the thought of telling them,” Val stammered out. “I’m, it’s unreasonable, but I’m terrified of them looking at me and thinking, oh, he’s easy. H-he’s easy bait and-”

Alex shook his head violently, giving him an incredulous stare.

"No, that train of thought is fucking ridiculous. If you want to say it like that, then does that mean I was easy? Rosie? Liddie? Any of my other sisters? I don't exactly like Layla or Adrien, but do you think, with what Layla believes she's gone through, she'd think that about you?"

Val didn't expect to feel such white hot rage, but considering their shared trauma, and how inane his mindset could become… okay. He was being dumb. He couldn't fight the burning guilt for even saying that.

"I… apologize. I can't see any of you as easy-"

"Then you aren't either. It isn't a title you take alone. You can't just victim blame yourself then defend me or my siblings. Even Layla, for what she thinks happened. Now, back to that point, I… get it. Talking is hard. You're a pretty self reliant person. But you need to find some way to let the queen know how unsafe it is being left alone there.'

Val swallowed. His throat was so dry from dread.

"I… I'm scared," he murmured. "I'm scared about the circumstances. He's told me I've known him since we were young. Children. Maybe. The age range is off. He used to talk about how it used to be…" he practically gagged, remembering his words. " A-a game. It was a game before. Before he saw it as us finding comfort away from our roles. He weaves it so childishly and romantically, I'm scared the truth is muddled when I say it."

"That sounds about right when it's from the point of view of the abuser," Alex bitterly added. He brushed some tears from Val's cheek. "And with your curse, I can't imagine it makes things easier."

It sure didn't. His mind was confused as hell. He was sure somehow he knew the prince as a child, but with Val being a much older fey man, he was terrified that meant he was a teenager and the prince was a child instead. He swallowed again.

"I-its hard to hate him some days. I feel like the reality he's painted for me makes me the bad person. I can't remember when we met, and my father isn't here for me to figure it out." He sniffled, rubbing one of his eyes. "He was awful, but he would have told me. Maybe in some twisted way to hurt me. But I see these images, of us as kids, hiding in a bush together and laughing. I still have some memories of his games."

Alex was willing to let him just word vomit like he offered. Gently rubbing his arm while he spoke. Val tried to focus on the safety of his touch. He wished he were more graceful talking about this. Like just setting up a timeline of events. But instead everything came out like a chaotic spiral.

"I sometimes think, well, he was a sad and fucked up child too. He probably was a victim. What kind of child knows those things and does them without a prior experience? The Neville family has their own wretched secrets. I can't hate him, but I want to. I can't find myself to hate a child who wanted escapism. Somehow I feel worse for it!"

"It was fucked up of whoever taught him that, but it was still his decision to do it to you."

"I feel like I should have told him it wasn't okay. What if I really was as old as a preteen or a teenager when this happened? I don't remember things well enough to tell myself otherwise, and the memories could be false."

"None of the false story you told me you were given entails that, though. You have vivid memories of being a child when it happened. I believe that, while I can't exactly piece apart your memories to find out what's false, the ones you see so vividly and hear so clearly have to be the truth."

Alex paused, then softly added, "as cruel as it is, knowing that still happened to you. I believe you both were children. Humans age slowly too, just not in our strange patterns. He could have even been more mentally mature. I apologize, that doesn't feel like the words you should hear, but…"

Val couldn't stop crying for a moment, leaning against him and sobbing into his ragged shirt, against his feathers. He felt like his memories were a painful and confusing mess, constantly tugging him into multiple directions. He hoped Alex was right. He hoped that the vivid ones were real. His theory could at least keep him afloat somewhat. Alex's gentle actions more than comforted him then.

"I-I just… h-hate that I can't find it in me to despise him. I always have the second thought of, well, he was hurting too. We were forced into roles we didn't want to play. He used to cry to me about how badly he wanted me to whisk him away, like we were lovers out of a fey romance. Spirit him away to my home, hidden away from this plane of existence." Val sniffled, digging his nails into the man's shirt.

"I-I was, I still am, just an object to him. Some goal. If I angered him, disappointed him somehow, he would yank on my hair. Threaten to cut it off. He'd yank and yank and yank, and now when anyone touches it but me, it's like someone's jamming a white hot poker into my scalp."

Alex was just calmly rubbing his back. Val thought he heard some acknowledgement about his hair. He didn't think about it too long. He just kept sobbing messily into his chest. He could feel the man stiffen here and there, but it wasn't a means of telling him to stop. To get away. He couldn't really think, just kept sobbing.

"He still wants me. He still thinks we're some forbidden couple and I'm meant to be his. I-I am tired of being an object to people. I'm tired of being accessible and useable and easy to digest. I feel so disgusting and he still thinks I'm some prize to win over. I- I'm-"

Alex shushed him then. Rubbing circles into his back. Val kept crying into his chest. Any psychosomatic response to his touch was gone. His body remembered that Alex was safe. He wished he didn't have to get so messy with his trauma dumping. Val wished he could be so much more graceful about these things. Alex just kept rocking him.

"It's okay to have such a complicated view on someone like that. There was a time you cared about him. Sure, right now I would much rather this man be shoved into an incinerator and be slowly roasted alive like he were a Christmas turkey for what he put you through… but I understand why you're so conflicted. Hate can be healthy though. And it sounds like you'll feel that way one day."

Val sniffled, clinging to Alex like a child. The words were weird in this situation, but he honestly did feel that pathetic.

"I… I sometimes want him to suffer, but the child in me starts feeling too empathetic. I can be so ugly about everything else, but the prince… suddenly I just feel so horrible."

"It's… because there's some part in you that wishes he would come clean and be better to you," Alex said softly. "You want for him to realize what he did was wrong, and to wallow in the guilt and beg your forgiveness. You want the agency to offer him that mercy."

Val paused. He couldn't believe how much sense that made. He stared up at Alex, stunned.

"And if he were to feel remorseful enough to come all the way here and apologize to you, on his hands and knees, you would want the choice to offer him either his release or his damnation. You want closure."

Alex's tone was grave, but understanding. He wondered how much of this was something he had to admit to himself. It had to be different when it was your parent, your life giver, rather than your childhood friend. Val didn't want to ask. Alex was a lot more complicated than he'd let on. He couldn't just simplify Alex like that. He sniffled and rubbed his eyes, staying silent.

"I mean, I'm not exactly speaking for you, but I can sort of understand your train of thought. We've known each other long enough. But it makes sense. Of course," Alex laughed, eyes giving a familiar malicious glint, "I would rather you hate him with an undying passion, I'm sure you would too. I would rather receive the news of his imminent death, and even then it isn't enough, but-"

Val cut him off, wrapping his arms tightly around the man. Making a small whine into his chest. He buried his face into him as he tried to calm himself. He couldn't handle the overflow of emotion as he held onto his friend.

He had never felt so seen. Sure, he wished he could have nothing but violent hatred for the man, but the way Alex put it made so much sense to him. He felt so exposed, but in a safer way than he ever imagined. And so he held on tightly.

Alex kept quiet but eventually held onto him, moving so Val could rest comfortably in his lap while he got everything out. Alex's hold was so comforting and it was all he needed in the moment. He felt safe here. He just nuzzled the man's chest as he tried to find some stability.

Eventually, he slowly looked up, feeling so small and protected against Alex's chest.

"I'll find some way to talk to Layla about it when I can. It's… hard, I don't want to give all the details, I don't think I could handle it, but I want to tell her. I… don't think I can mentally handle him doing this to me again."

"Let the information go to your assistant. He could probably keep a good eye on if the prince tries to bother you."

"Adaire… is good with victims, yes. I will keep that in mind."

Val sniffled. His head was killing him. Maybe just the tears and general output of memories. Either way, he was exhausted. He relaxed against Alex, closing his eyes.

"Is it… okay if I stay? I can't bear to be alone right now."

"Depends how safe it is for you to stay. You're always welcome, Val."

He hummed, letting Alex get comfortable on the cot (as much as he could, anyway) and laid back on him. Curling up and holding onto his shirt. Feeling so safe then.

"Thank you for listening. No one's ever listened to me like that before."

"Of course," Alex said. "You did it for me. I owe it to the man who helped my siblings, anyhow. As far as things go right now, I'll always have your back."

Val couldn't help crying again then. But this time it was from relief. He desperately needed someone to keep him in check, while he tried to figure himself out. He didn't have to pretend with Alex. That's all he needed.

He didn't feel like an object when it came to him.

#super happy art time #azazel #valerio #azalerio #IVE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS FOR A WHILE #esp just...project a ton of complicated cocsa feelings onto val #its been in my head for a long time howhe describes it #cause its how i feel abt my own thing #he just wanted to vent abt it to azazel lol #hesvery good for vals stupid brain #he needs blunt but caring ppl #almost cried writing his breakdown cause i rly feel it lol

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