#ive literally been crying all day
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just saw 15x18 for the first time, and i am a mess!!! dean had no time to say anything. cas was so right to confess his feelings. sam sees everyone he cares about disappear in front of his eyes. jack went from having three dads to ???is anyone left alive besides us??? and how is dean supposed to answer his phone right now. what can he say. what does it matter if sam knows he's alive or not? he might as well be dead with cas gone. i am so sorry, baby girl. i know you had it worked out differently in your head. billie was gonna kill the both of you. but cas always has something up his sleeve to change the plan. don't do this cas. i love you, dean.
#personal#supernatural#destiel#my head hurts#ive literally been crying all day#I knew this episode was tonight all week and ive been mentally preparing for it but its been such a hard day#i cant tell if im crying over destiel or the state of my life right now but#this is how i process#spn s15e18
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#far cry 5#eden's gate#far cry five#joseph seed#john seed#faith seed#hope county#aaron kirby#charles lindsey#tracey lader#virgil minkler#earl whitehorse#why do i think charles joined up? he always vanishes from my game after the last jail battle#it weirded me out enough after my third playthrough to have to come up with a reason for it#and the idea that all the mannequins in Prosperity are corpses and not mannequins but the dep is too strung out to notice is a fun idea#virgil had both his wife and son leave his butt in the dust for a reason and i dont think its just because joseph has rizz#something is up there#literally no one claims to like that man and ive never met a politician who had a good relationship with their kids so it works#the sex pistols thing has been stuck in my head for days and i dont know why#i really cant explain that one#that mustache just screams 'i had a mohawk and a dream' to me#henbane river
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#dont know who else to talk to about this because it feels so personal but i feel anonymous on here#yesterday i had an ultrasound of my chest and they found something abnormal and ordered a biopsy#and its been on my mind every minute since then#the mass looks uncomfortably similar to the google images that pop up when u search 'malignant tumor'#and ive been doom scrolling on the breast cancer subreddit lmao#and im aware that its just stressing me out more but i couldnt stop and almost started crying#like the results could come back completely normal but.... im terrified of that not being the case#and i dont know how to deal with it until the actual procedure#its on friday but time is going so slow#all day ive been wanting to just blurt out my feelings to everyone ive talked to#but it feels so embarassing at the same time#so thats why im posting abt it on here i guess#i just literally dont know how to process my feelings rn
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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im going to throw myself off a building 😁
for legal reasons this is a joke.
#just a load of garbage#fucking CODING AAAAAAAAAAA#i dont even give a shit anymore#but people stress out abt it#and when other people stress out#i get stressed out#even more than they do#which i think is quite rude#so ive been in a bad mood litearlly all day#like i dont care. at all.#this assessment means next to nothing to me#but to other people theyre on like a 5 out of 10 stress level#so theyre doing the reasonable thing and talking abt it cos it seems less scary when you do that sometimes#but then i get the stress from them#and it just gets multiplied until im literally crying on the motherfucking bus#anyways#dont mind me yall
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god i want so badly to tell someone about what i'm planning the very last scene of my rewrite to be but SPOILERS. AUGH </3
#LITERALLY screaming crying throwing up rn...#winter speaks#quintenary stars series#ive been writing/marinating this fic all day long and augh. ough. eugh. ouh. auhh. et cetera.
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I love my niece and nephew but my sister literally keeps dumping them with me & expecting me to babysit without paying me despite the fact she has a job, & I'm tired of being treated as free labor for her
#when i asker her if there was anybody else to babysit she said her friend but was like 'but then if i took them there#then I'd have to pay them' (meaning she offhandedly admitted she doesn't believe she should pay me for babysitting all day)#i agreed to ONE day of babysitting & now ive been babysitting since monday from 9 am to 5 pm#& she didnt even tell me about the other days i literally woke up to my nephew crying & my sister gone so she just left him here#without saying anything#tbd#and she STILL never paid me for watching her son all summer 2 years ago despite telling everyone she was going to#she had a job & good money then too she just. decided not to pay me#i also hate 1. waking up early 2. waking up early in the summer 3. babysitting without getting paid 4. doing shit last minute#so this is p much my nightmare to keep waking up early in the summer to babysit all day without being told about plans & without pay
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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D
me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening
#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in#like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying#i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty#it#like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night#am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired#or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop#id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem#because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines#so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping#but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real#and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE#i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters#actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists#and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the#7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant#fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get#knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am#and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be#doing them at all#like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding#schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters#delete later
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(-_-‚)
#toya posting#nothing happened but i feel oddly close to crying aha#literally nothing happened#ive been fine all day#but then boom#sadness
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i stopped taking my antidepressants and its clear to me that i still need them because anytime something bad happens my immediate thought is "i wouldnt get hurt if i wasnt alive" it just sucks i guess that i think im in a better place and im right back to square one over the smallest things and it shouldnt be that way
#i feel like i have no one to tell about this stuff cause ive already reached max annoyance with everyone with my crying and depression#i literally missed my therapy appointment this morning and ive been on edge all day but this really was the cherry on top#feeling nauseous and disgusted with myself#anyway#tw depression#??#vent#sorry for being depressing
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THE SECOND TBOSAS TRAILER DROPPED!!!!!
I KNOW
ive been going feral over it on twitter🤭
^^here it is for anyone who hasnt seen it yet😋😋
#thanks anon!#emma thoughts🕊#i set an alarm for fucking 8am to wake up and watch this shit#worth it🤭#yall they got my babygirl CRYING#coryo cant be a villain hes too pretty when he cries for that!!#also#sejanus content😋#AND ITS GAYYY#also remember that mc is literally alive when tbosas takes place#kinda weird to think abt im ngl#coriolanus snow.#sejanus plinth.#lucy gray baird.#ive been fighting the urge to post tbosas memes here all day im gonna be honest
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leo voice YES it's in poor taste. but have you considered. it's REALLY FUNNY
#talk tag#fic talk#^ this is also me in my head trying not to make poor taste jokes abt things irl#my own things not other ppls im not THAT much of an asshole dw but like#look if i cant joke abt my mental health issues then what is the POINT of having them </3#<- me and also leo btw#anyway cmh leo would absolutely have to hold himself back from making jokes abt his own death#hes literally already done the 'you look like youve seen a ghost' one so like#leo making a horrible horrible joke abt his own death watching his whole family start crying: ummm. whoops. the impulsive thoughts won </3#editing to add bc ive been thinking abt this lately for.. some reason???#genuinely dont know why BUT#if i ever end up getting hurt and end up in the hospital#and am out of commission for longer than a couple days#it is going to genuinely take ALL OF MY WILLPOWER#not to announce my return with 'i lived bitch'#im not fucking joking rn. ik i shouldn't but the urge. the URGEEEE
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okay so i'm having a wacky mental time and ik i've said this before but seeing queer blogs of people who aren't aspec actively standing up for and defending aspec people and calling out aphobes when they don't have to makes me ?? so emotional?
#maybe txt#im serious ive been This Close to crying over literally everything all day but this is the first thing that got me close to happy tears#aro#ace
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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Husbands
Husbands that look like they're being interrogated because it's almost 4 am and I spent my entire day painting walls
#Venting!!!!!!!!#im just venting idk im tired i have gym everyday and gym gives me massive anxiety so yayy#im kinda just making up for lost time specifically cuz it was around people im not comfortable witb#my family i mean#i was so sore when i got done i had to move a shit ton of furniture and i hit my head on a dresser#im just watching timtoks to make myself cry because i haven't properly cried in like 6 months and with my fucking life thats unhealthy :D#my cat died on Christmas eve aswell!!!#anyway yeah husbands#they're literally orbs from a childrens video game i am 15 i am a sophomore this is stupid stupid fuckin penguin i hate him#no i dont i love him#DOMT WVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE ENO BITCH HE HAS SUCH A CHOKEHOLD ON ME#THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IN LIKE 2 YEARS IVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH HIM I LITERALLY THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY EVERYDAY#i have issues#i just realized i misspelled emo im so tired im not rewriting that im talking bout mk he matches my other intersts more thats why i love him#one of my favorite childhood movies is interview with the vampire ofc i love him#im gonna eat ramen and prepare myself to lie to the nurse tomorrow cuz im not going to gym#i have the biggest urge to just keep thping if only i had this spark in school i hate my brain bro
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