#ive moved on but i wish i could really really move on
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insane personal rambling below in the tags. hm. sorry !
#venus.txt#feeling like. okay but a little unstable and like maybe it has to do w how ive been thinking a lot about how#i went thru 2022 only having contact with redacted only twice#and thats good. thats good. but even with only having 2 exchanges that entire year that only lasted a message or 2 is like..#idk how do you go from being with someone for 5/6 years and being so close. closer than what was healthy#to not knowing them at all anymore#and how are just supposed to not think about it.#i am doing so good and i feel like i never think abt it anymore. or at least i dont dwell on it#but then i think abt it and its like. was there really a single day that has gone by that i havent thought about him#some days it really really really grips me and some days thinking abt the situation is just in passing#but like how do you move on and how do you stop thinking about someone you thought about every day for 6 years straight#ive moved on but i wish i could really really move on#because everything reminds me of it all#i have all these associations and i wish i didnt and some of those have been undone but some are as strong as ever
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New game interest unlocked
(crow in bottom right belongs to @patchwork-crow-writes)
#ramarl#phantasy star online#long tag warning lol i rambled#so i was introduced to phantasy star online#i think its safe to say i really enjoy the game#thank you mr crow for showing me this game :D i have new creatures to scribble now#there shall be more of these doodles#i promise you that#meant to post this wayyyyy earlier today but uh#my car broke down :') ....again :')#last week it wouldn't turn on and the headlights weren't working so we were like ''ok this is a battery issue and i need a new one''#because jumping the car didnt fix it#so we took my old battery to a shop and they tested its charge before showing us which new one we should get#but the battery had charge???????? so we went back home to troubleshoot#and then found the hooks(?idk what they're called) that connected the battery to the car had something corroded on them#so we grabbed a can of coke and scrubbed away#hooked the battery back up and bam car was working#so the issue was those hooks#until two days ago when my car didnt work again#looked at the battery again and the hooks came loose; tightened them up and bam car working again#and now at this point I'm scared to go anywhere cause what if i get stranded on my own??#so this morning i said ''alright I'm gonna drive myself to church just to be sure that my car works''#AND WOULD YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENED#at this point i just wish the damn battery was dead and that i could replace it and move on from this#i know they're a bit pricey but jesus this is exhausting#but i can't just buy a new battery if im not sure that's the actual problem because then I'd have a battery and nothing to do with it#i hate having a car sometimes i just want a bus system#or a jeep#but preferably a bus system#sorry rambles thats a long way of saying i didnt post this earlier because ive been working on my car lol
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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dreading moving back home but vibrating out of my skin to be able to get back to boxing
#i could reup for a month here but ive psyched myself out fhdjs#like its been 2 weeks since i last went and i think w how inconsistent i am about food rn ill end up skipping classes#which i cant really afford yk. oh well! i miss it though god i love boxing its so hot and iconic and feels so good forever#wish i had the depth perception n general coordination to do it as a proper sport but whatever we move
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gunna be real my mother in law crossed some lines today that i dont even know how to come back from. how do i make 10k in the next 6 months to pack up and leave actually though.
#i wish we could just. go straight to portugal. or wherever my husband wants us to go i guess.#im so sick of living with her. she really convinced me shed changed but that wasnt fucking true!#and now were in a situation where shes taking 450 of the 470 we make every week and saying WE are financially abusing HER#and that SHE is cutting US off at the end of our lease and leaving#and its like. so#its so#i cant even put into words how stupid that is#she is the most insufferably cruel and pointless person ive ever known and shes gunna take nearly every penny we make and then say that??#she said it on the way home from ME BUYING ALL OF OUR GROCERIES. she staid in the CAR she didnt even have to WALK AROUND#my husband gave her his ENTIRE paycheck yesterday. YESTERDAY#oh im so fucking#like what do we do when she leaves if we have 20 dollars between 2 grown adults a week. what are we supposed to do with that#theres no way we can make a down payment on anywhere or move our stuff or like. idk. fucking eat#mind you she is making 90k a year. like. i just want to tack that little bit of context on.#stupid shithead nightmare woman im so over this. im so OVER being so broke and so tired and dealing with how mean she is every single day#I WANT OUT BUT THERES NOWHERE TO GOOOOOOO
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...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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i cant tell if i dont want to go on my year abroad or if its just irrational anxiety response. like i kind of want to figure out a way to not do it but maybe i would regret that
#theres no way for me to not do it if i stay on my current course its compulsory. and then i tried to figure out if i could move to a#different course and nobody could tell me whether i could or not so idk#need a meeting with my personal tutor but im scared of him ive never met him before#i really wish i'd switched to english this year like i wanted to i regret that so much
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SHHH SH HEYYY HEY DONT TELL ANYONE BUT... ive been workin on smth since BITB came out..... itsa lil musical animatic involvin kian and becky.... ITS NO WHERE NEAR DONE YET but loooook look im puttin lil screenshots under the cut. its supposed to go along with Am I In Heaven? by King Gizzard n the Lizard Wizard. infact yknow what cmere come sit with be bc ALOT of songs from the 'IM IN YOUR MIND FUZZ' album makes me think about becky and kian. oh my god. those two make me so damn emotional.
like Her and I was the first one to rly resonate with me, and EMPTY was another good one, all just stuff about. yknow LOVE!! doomed by the narrative yet burning SO SO brightly in its last moments, holding hands, playing music, THEY WERE SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT THE COPY OF THEM LOVED YOU, AND YOUR COPY LOVES THEM TOO. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, CRUMBLING, BURNING, HISSING, SQUIRMING, MELTING, CLICKING LOVE STORY..
GET OVER HERE N SCREAM WITH MEEE I LOVE SCREAMING ABOUT THINGS
#THIS IS A DRAFT that i made like. months ago. woopsie.#BUT IM CHIPPING AWAY AT IT AGAIN. IT CANT STAY UNFINISHED FOREVER. ONE DAY YOU WILL ALL SEE! YOULL ALL SSSEEEE!!!!!!!#no reblogs either this stays between US!!!!!!!!!!#and if you guys like it enough i might post an old fuckin wip i have all packaged together on youtube. its a VIDEO it goes w the MUSIC!!#SOUND WITH THE MOVING IMAGE?? IVE ONLY EVER DONE IT ONCE!!!#ill post the Lord of Lightning animatic i made on tumblr when i get the chance. in the meantime i ahve it posted on twitter. GO FETCH#but THIS SECOND ONE is out there.. all synced together..#but its a wip and its rough and old and scuffed and i HATE IT. my son whom i wish was dead#but you can see it. for the small small price of uh. begging.#also ouuhh my god i love becky and kian so much... they make me so emotional.. SOMETHING ABT DOOMED SHIPS...#even as the boat sinks these two clung together so tightly. they really really did love eachother so much. even after ten years of ROTTING#of sitting and waiting and wondering 'where is she?' is she lost? hurt? did something happen? is she okay? did she even want to be here?#does she hate me? did she leave because she hated me? she never wanted to see me again? where is she? where is she? guess ill write a song#FOR TEN YEARS. when i was just busy. i was distracted. so much came up. things got serious. my dream became clear and i had to chase it#i didnt know you were waiting. im sorry. i should have chased the thought of you more. but i was busy. i was just busy.#i wish that i could apologize with the throat that was my own. i hope this copy will suffice. i hope this copy will suffice. UGH
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🫧
#tw: vent#so my mother is basically mean to me like 99 % of the time and we literally argue every single day#and i have been trying my hardest to not pay any heed to what she tells me but recently she told me something that really#made me feel so incredibly hurt and stupid idek how to put thaf into words#i avoid sharing things with her because she makes me feel bad about even the tiniest most unnecessary thing i share with her#so basically i have this one friend who was staying away from home for uni and she lives near me so i always try to be there for her#becayse i know how lonely it gets for her and i always go everytime my friends need me and my mom hates that#she makes me feel like being nice to my friends and others is the dumbest thing on this planet and that im stupid#but if my sister does it she's an angel#i was just waiting for my friend to figure things out as she was moving back home after uni ended so we could go look at internships#toghether#and she went home and got a job and while im happy for her she didn't even mention anything about it which made me sad enough but when i#told my mother about it she made me feel worse she said that was not very nice what she did you did so much for her and i told her#that's alright i dont mind and she said that my friend used me for her benefit and that I'm stupid for being nice to people#because according to her every nice thing that ive done is stupid and nothing i have done is going to make her feel proud or is enough#she qould NEVER say this to my sisters EVER#aah fuck this became too long#im so sorry if anyone came across this#but yes my mother is literally my biggest enemy most times ngl#she makes me feel like i wish i was not alive#it hurts to see my friends have great relationship with their moms and sisters#:')
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someone tell me to go outside pls
#ive looked up the place i want to go (fen) and theres parking#it's raining really hard rn but i like walks in the rain#idk ive been on my own in the house for a while. and my two friends came back for 20 minutes this morning so one of them could pack up more#of her stuff (she moved out a couple of weeks ago) and both of them forgot their keys so needed me to let them in#and then the 1 who moved out didnt really speak to me except right before she left when she said something rude about the kitchen#and then tried to backtrack by saying 'i didnt mean that. in fact. i dont even remember what i said!' like just say sorry its not that hard.#id rather you said something rude and then said youre sorry and that its uncalled for than pretending you dont know what you said#10 seconds ago#so i just went up to my room until they left and it sucks because that was like my one opportunity in a week or so to speak to someone#in my own house#thank god i went into the office this week and spoke to people#also my friend messaged and was like 'odd core vibes?' about his partner who said the rude thing and i wish id been like its actually just#rude not odd#but whatever#and ive just been sitting and thinking aboht it for 2 hours instead of leaving the house
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My dash has been extremely divided today re: taylor swift/swiftie criticism and honestly my take on it is that as long as you don't believe she is an untouchable oracle who would never lie or exaggerate any story about her life and is always the victim in every situation OR that she is an evil nuisance to society for continuing to make and put out her art at a time when her boyfriend is also massively successful then we should all pretty much be on the same side here
#some of you are being very lovely and considerate about different opinions but the reactionary posts ive seen today are making my head spin#no one is a cupcake for liking or being excited for the new album concept and youre also not a fake fan for being apprehensive about it#youre not stupid or naive for enjoying her lyricism#and god knows youre not a miserable hater non-fan for rightfully criticizing her choosing to spend her energy suing the jet tracker#this is an enormous fandom and i wish we could move past the idea that we all have to be the same type of fan#ts critical#but not really tbh#more like#swiftie critical
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crazy eyes bc i got sick of having this ITYSL summer lovin’ skit painting on my floor. didn’t really finish it so much as i gave up but thats okay i think. happy new year more details in the tags :]
#my art#ok to rb#:d#used the ‘fuck an1sh kap00r vanta blk 3.0’ paint for the background#(its on a wood surface#i started this at the end of July (i think) right after the new season came out#id been really yearning to get back into acrylic painting again so i thought If i can finish this then that means im capable and also it#will get the scaries out by refamiliarizing myself w the medium#but basically it sat half finished on my floor until dec 27 when i was like you know what im sick of this i need it gone#anyway theres a lot of things i wish id finished on this but i think i just need to move on for my own sake perhaps ill revist it in the#future. I dont think ive ever shared a painting on here but i guess you could call this my style? i think it’s informed by doing mostly#digital painting and not really knowing how to blend. i like acrylics because they dry quickly. i like for my layers to be pretty visible#and shapey.#i think you should leave#itysl#i put it right next to my bed the two tims watch over my sleeping body now
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so a super old friend from literal primary school just reached out to me for the first time in like over a decade and they have a kid now and stuff and I'm just sitting with the fact that I'm like almost in my late 20's and literally have nothing to show for it.
Like 'what have you been up to'
Literally nothing. Trauma and nasty people being nasty. Im essentially back to where I was as a teen. So anyway, cute kid 🥺 I'm gonna keel over and die now.
#no but its literally super sweet of them to reach out obviously cause they 100% did have to at all#like we initially went to the same high school but they moved to a different school cause bullying and we kinda grew apart#like they have always been a super nice person to me and because of all the shit ive been through this past decade#i really dont have any friends left so having someone think of me made me super teary and sad#anyway maybe check in on people you used to be friends with cause they may be going through some tough times and its just nice to hear that#someone is thinking of you#i could literally ball my eyes out cause i experienced such debilitating mental illness as a kid that i didnt have treated til in my 20s an#i feel like its a huge reason none of the people that i thought were my friends stuck around and i just feel super lonely a lot#like yay my brains finally healing but now what#anyway sorry to ramble im just a bit fragile right now#its brought up a lot of really nice memories and i just cant believe how old those memories are and i wish i was a better friend#not dnp#lol#bipswordvomit#sorry i try to keep my real life off here for the most part but i guess anonymously screaming into the digital void is freeing sometimes
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I'm on day 5 of migraine hell and I've just been in bed all day while it's been storming outside, and just when I start to feel (physically) okay, I get hit by Big Sad.
#Eli Speaks#it shouldn't really surprise me#ive been getting hit by these specific sad feelings a lot latelt#*lately#and idrk what to do with them#ive been meaning to talk to my therapist about this#but theres so much fucking context to get into#and just thinking about that feels overwhelming#mostly emotionally#but if i dont talk about it ill also explode#unfortunately i cant even really talk about it here#doesnt feel right#i wish i could talk to the people who know#but thats the problem#they dont want to talk to me#i couldve reached out before things got too bad#but its too late now#its been too late for 6 months#hell its prob been too late a lot longer than that#but thats when they finally said it was too much#and i get it#i fucked up#im willing to accept that this is the repercussions of me fucking up#and that they have every right not to want to talk to me or have me in their life#but idk where that leaves me really#ive been trying to better myself#i want to be a better person and better friend#but i also wish i couldve done better in the past#ill try not to dwell ill try to move forward ill try to be better for the friends i still have and the friends i may make in the future#i hope theyre doing well and are getting what they were looking for genuinely
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sliding in the sewer vibes are getting stronger by the minute today
#the talkies#everyone else is actually moving on with their lives and achieving stuff#i have no idea what the fuck i want to do with my life#looks like ive been ghosted after both my job interviews and i have no prospects of making money#wish i could just relive the last two days over and over again where i was tabling at expo#i was making at least some money and i was around something i enjoy and im excellent at it#i just dont know how to move forward from here without always wishing for a life i actually enjoy#this just sucks you guys#i really do just want to close my eyes and disappear
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#tag rambles#to be clear i'm 1000% here for aro positivity and excitement‚ i love that for us#but also! kinda fucking hate being arospec most of the time!!#just frustrating every goddam day#I want to like people! I so‚ badly want to fall in love again! I just. can't#I wish so badly that I could do casual‚ it would make my life so much easier‚ but I just cant fucking do it#“tis better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all” and all that. but#is it better to know that it /can/ happen but never does than to just believe it was never possible to begin with#i know bitching about love life on the internet is kind of a lame shitty move#especially when people i've hit on etc. are still around here#hi. I'm sorry#ive ruined a lot of friendships for no reason by being desperate to feel literally anything#im still desperate but at least there's no one left around to ruin#anyways. i dont know where i was going with this#i deleted my old vent blog so i don't really whine about things as much anymore
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