#ive never done drugs ever btw

[tomamdjerry]

Jerry, can I have a hit? 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[fearfylsymmetry]

tagged by soph @nizynskis for my top 9 movies (im making it 10 btw because it looks better on a grid and also i love things too much ) anyways tysm soph always a pleasure i love doing these

so yes i think Beautiful Sunday is just the most amazing thing ever i spent monthsss looking for it and trying to find a decent download and goddd im forever happy i did. its the perfect movie about nothing in particular, it just captures that specific air of laziness that comes on Sundays where you're just content doing nothing. it means so much to me

i put Rebels of the Neon God up here over Vive L'Amour which i prefer , mostly because it was my introduction to Tsai Ming Liang. i found the movie slow at first but then Vive L'Amour cemented Tsai as one of my favorites. Besides, this movie is the start pf Hsiao Kang's entire legacy so really, you can't have Vive L'Amour without this. his films are slow of purpose and the rhythm of everything is initially hard to adjust to, but when you give it time, you'll find the most thoughtful and beautifully shot meditations on loneliness in modern living. in Tsai's movies, Taiwan looms over the characters. its a cage of skyscrapers you cant free yourself from with drugs or alcohol. the city eats everyone whole.

Parasite is just ahhh its why i love movies so much it really is. it made me a cinephile. it made me want to make movies and ive seen it the most out of any of these. i even saw it with my english teacher at the cinema. this movie is a defining part of my life it really is

A Brighter Summer's Day is just splendid. the purpose of art is never to be relatable but i couldn't help draw parallels to every part of my life. the constraints of Taiwan's development reminded me of my own state's troubled history. classrooms of boys hiding behind their shallow ideas of masculinity. Xiao Sir's lonely childhood spent lazing away in brief lapses of summer. i cant help but feel it so closely, youth taken away by a struggle for identity and stability both in the nation of Taiwan and in Xiao Sir's own life

and to Chungking Express i send all my love, my introduction into the dreamy haze of Wong Kar Wai. it remains my favorite in his filmography. fun thing was i got to watch it with Chick too. chick if ur reading this hiiii

Buddha Mountain is frenetic it is relentless, shifting from tragedy to joyous energy in a single cut. and Fan Bing Bing is gorgeous in it so that helps...like i can't go into detail here but i haven't known peace after that bloody kiss scene like i get lightheaded thinking about it . okay wait ill behave.

Mary is Happy, Mary Is Happy is a delight all the way through even in its rather sad final act. the listless joy of friendship , it offered me a a delightful glimpse into it

the rest of these films i can only encapsulate in moments, not because i like them less, but because these moments are just that mesmerizing.

Paris ,Texas has the Super 8 scene. it honestly stuck with me more than the scene in the booth.

The Lovers on the Bridge has THE scene on the bridge , ive showed it to u soph, oh god that scene is bottled joy i get goosebumps just thinking about it

(let me just sneak in the entire Silencio sequence in Mulholland Drivee. i just love it okay???)

and Long Days Journey into Night has the 53 MINUTE LONG TAKE OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH WHEN YOU SEE IT UNFOLD aghhh. ... its a dream it really is,, a dream caught on film

okay im done sorry. tagging ummm anyone that wants to join let me not burden you. just say your thing and tell everyone i sent you.

(this is very long because i love saying things and i want to let out all this useless info to the general public. long live cinema and i know shes not on the list which is criminal but Viva Varda)

[eluminium]

I posted 1,473 times in 2022

That's 1,184 more posts than 2021!

137 posts created (9%)

1,336 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bucket-of-amethyst

@the-king-of-lemons

@impulsesv-but-everywhere

@luigra

@eluminium

I tagged 1,105 of my posts in 2022

Only 25% of my posts had no tags

#dose of impulse - 535 posts

#dose of skizz - 272 posts

#dose of bdubs - 81 posts

#impulsesv - 63 posts

#el rambleth - 51 posts

#dose of tfc - 43 posts

#el answereth - 36 posts

#dose of gem - 35 posts

#dose of tango - 33 posts

#double life spoilers - 32 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i love grian as much as anyone else but honestly i'd rather not have him be involved in any resistence plot because we've already done that

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

appearently Joe said "maybe ive been instructed to make a sign to passively-aggressively shame impulse. no im just kidding i dont think impulse does drugs" in response to someone asking them about the "Winners don't do drugs" King Ren screen on the arcade. Which, while hilarious on its own, just made me think of like, soup group seeing that screen.

Like they see the king ordering them not to do something??? He dare extend his authority like this???? Well no king can tell THEM what to do!

Cue a meetup at the little research office in Pearls mushroom where Impulse is crying on the floor because he can't roll a blunt right, (Grian and Ren rolled all his blunts in the Hippie era, his hands were and are too big and clumsy for this) Pearl is trying to mix weed into a soup they're gonna give to the king but shes not familiar with the plant either so shes also struggling, and Gem is blazing it up with absolutely no problem. Shes a nature Elf, how the fuck did the others ever think she didn't know her way around plants like these

(weed is also legal in Canada. Its not in Australia but it IS in Arizona. Impulse is knowledgeable about the drug its just been so long since the Hippie days, hes been too much of a good boy lately. Hes lost the little blunt rolling skills he had :[ he was bragging about it to Gem and Pearl too and now hes made a fool out of himself :[[[)

Shoutout to @potionofinstantdamage for reporting that Joe quote and indirectly causing me to create this post.

527 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

#4

Useless Facts about ImpulseSV: the post

Welcome to “Useless Facts about Impulse”. The title says it all. I am Eluminium, that one fuck who decided to watch every single Impulse hermitcraft season and actually fucking did it, and I have a bunch of completely useless knowledge from it now. AND I SHALL SHARE IT WITH YOU SO YOU TOO MAY ALSO BE ENLIGHTENED! Also cuz i’m bored as shit (Btw i’ll probably keep adding onto this post as I remember or gain more useless knowledge) People who’ve blessed this post with more facts: @bucket-of-amethyst  @tsukinouta  LET THE FACTS BEGIN! First addition of facts: August 7th 2022

-Out of every single base Impulse has constructed on Hermitcraft, 3 and a half of them have featured water as a major design element. These would be the City of Atlantis (S5), iBay (S6), The Pyramid (S7), and the half is his “starter base” temple (S3).  (I count it as a half because he spent a considerable amount of time designing it but it isn’t his main base so to say.) -Impulse has two seasons of Hermitcraft that are the exact same lenght in terms of episodes, these being S3 and S4, both having 57 episodes. -Impulse’s longest season is S6 with 113 episodes, and his shortest is S8 with 35 episodes -Out of every base Impulse has built, only 2 of them do not feature his logo on the inside or outside in it’s final design. These are iBay (S6) and The Pyramid (S7)

-Impulse is shorter then Bdubs IRL. Bdubs claims to be 5′10 while Impulse claims to be 5′8. This makes fanon extremely hilarious

-In S4, the safe rooms Impulse and Tango constructed in the Wither Skeleton farm were called “The Sissy Room”, but only for one episode. After that it’s never mentioned again.

-Impulse’s wife (Ms. Impulse) has never touched Minecraft because she’s an interior designer and would most likely disappear off the face of the Earth if she ever let herself play the game. It hasn’t stopped Impulse from trying a few times though.

-Impulse has a habit of biting off more than he can chew. In 4 out of 7 seasons he’s been in there have been obvious projects that were never finished. These are in order: The roof of his and Tango’s shared Mega Base (S3), A fair amount of The City of Atlantis (S5), The missing farms on the Phinias Board (S7) and the interior of The Candy Factory (S8)

-Impulse’s current keyboard (At the time of writing) was custom made by his son

-In both S3 and S7, Impulse used the exact same floor desgin and armor stand gimmick for his Patreon Monument.

-One of the reasons Impulse and Skizzleman remain such close friends today was because he found a book on networking on Skizz’s bedroom floor when they were both looking to go to a new collage. They both went to the same Networking class after Impulse suggested it and have been glued together ever since. -They absolutely hated that networking class though

-Impulse has had 4 piercings in total. One in the tongue, one eyebrow one, one nipple, and one in the ear. Both the eyebrow one and the nipple one were taken out after they got caught on various zippers, and the ear one was something he did together with his drumline. None of them survived to the present day though.

-Impulse has sold enchanting related things in 4 out of 7 seasons (S4 S5 S6 S9)

-Impulse used to be completely bald and beardless until he grew out his hair and a beard for a No Shave November challange and people said it fit him. He hasn’t returned to baldness since that (At the time of writing) -Every since their introduction, Impulse always carries a totem on him. Although he has a resource pack that makes the totem invisible in first person so it won’t block up the screen as much.

-His Guardian Goodies shop building in S7 is an exact replica of a Guardian “shop” (everything was free) xB designed in S3

-Impulse has won every single “How to Kill” compitition, and with the exact same concept to boot. In “How to Kill a Doc” he made a bunch of traps that looked like the final blow but weren’t, instead having the killing strike be deliver by Impulse himself. In “How to Kill a Tango” he did the exact same thing, although the final blow should have been delt by a Magma Cube instead. Both of these killing machines also share similar surprises. Both involve fire charges (One from dispensers, one from a live Ghast), anvil launchers and TNT. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it i suppose?

-Impulse actually bought the “copyright rights” to the “i” brand from Iskall in S6 so he could keep iTrade open without confusion. Never got something similar from iJevin thought.

-When S6 updated to the villager update, Impulse managed to obtain a glitched Farmer Villager who never locked up his trades no matter how much you traded with him. Although he did lose a fair amount of villagers in iTrade too, so it was more a soul for a soul.

-The only season Impulse was part of that never had Elytras was ironically S3, the one with amplified terrain.

-The first time Impulse properly tested out the Elytra, it lagged so bad he died from fall damage by falling into Xisumas Guardian Farm. The elytra refused to open.

-Impulse and Tango has had an agreement since Impulse joined in S3 that they can take certain resources from each other’s storages and farms without asking before hand. They call this “Mi casa, Ti casa” or “My house, your house”.

-In 4 out of 7 seasons, Impulse has had at least one entire video that centers around either a request from xB, or featuring xB himself. (S3 S4 S5 S7)

-The “SV” in impulseSV could be read as “impulsive” but it actually stands for Impulse’s IRL initials

-Impulse was introduced to Minecraft via his son, who wanted to get into gaming. Impulse mostly played shooters but he didn’t want his kid to play those types of games at his age, so a coworker suggested Minecraft. Although his kid didn’t know anything about the game, so he had to hop on and learn too.

-Impulse plays Minecraft with an inverted mouse. This is because he got so used to flying helicopters in various shooters it made more sense to his brain that dragging the mouse down means up, and pushing it up means down.

-Impulse started out as a fan of Tango’s until he learned that he and Tango are pretty similar in age and in video style. So he e-mailed Tango about a collab and he accepted. Later they learned they lived incredibly close to each other and went out for some “sodas” (aka BEERS). The rest is history.

-The name Impulse along with the black and yellow colour scheme is something Impulse stole from his drumcore’s name and colour scheme. His favourite colour is actually purple.

-Impulse and Skizz live in the same neighbourhood (at the time of writing)

Second addition of facts 9th of August 2022

-Impulse has a dog (specifically a Border Collie) named Prim and a cat named Luna. Luna was a gift for his older daughter. Impulse wasn’t the biggest fan of cats until his wife got one, and he fell in love as well.

-He and Skizz have been best friends for over 25 years (at the time of writing)

See the full post

818 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

#3

“There’s only two genders, MCC winner and non MCC winner” well damn Impulse congrats on your transition!!!! 

1,253 notes - Posted November 18, 2022

#2

Impulse: does an entire week of recording, including two videos, one of which for a major server event, and then an entire 4 hour livestream that was an EVEN BIGGER server event WHILE SICK ENOUGH THAT HE SKIPPED AN ENTIRE WEEK OF STREAMING

Impulse, the day after:

Oh wow. How did this happen. What a mystery. (Affectionate)

1,747 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

IMPULSE JUST CHUCKED THE QUEST RULEBOOK INTO THE OFFERINGS PIT LIVE AND DECLARED ANARCHY  HES DOING IT. HE’S GOING OFF HIS ROCKER! IT’S ALL I’VE EVER ASKED FOR-

2,367 notes - Posted August 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[craycraybluejay]

...and about the party drugs then im done i swear: it's weird. i don't have a hypersensitivity to stimulants in the same way that you describe but i do get what you mean. especially mdma im careful about. it's so potent i think of it quite similarly as acid, with certain reverence. i have never done straight up mdma crystals but have taken ecstasy tablets a couple times. i think it was always a half pill tho and still somewhat intense/scary(?). i would probably do it again in limited company rather than at a party with strangers. but coke! my god. coke is my special friend, so misunderstood by everyone </3 personally, i think coke (and i mean nice & pure, preferably cakey but like at least beyond 70% pure) is actually much more like opiates than ppl realize. in my mind they are like siblings, coke being the more high-strung one ofc. but what they have in common is the shedding of doubt & negativity & other irrelevant distractions; an enhanced version of reality (without introducing novel or false elements as such, apart from the emphasis on the nice things) ppl use coke as a party drug but imo it's kinda wasteful. it's such a verbal drug. i think it's ideal for stimulating conversation or even writing

ye see i believe/would agree w u on the coke issue (x not so much, i bet that shit would stimulate my ass directly into a seizure.. still worth to try but def not now). except ime stimulants that dont seriously fuck me up, which i imagine coke wouldnt (like adhd scripts, yes ive tried abusing them, no it doesnt do anything except make me sick to the stomach and vibrate uncomfortably. i dont feel high or energetic in fact sorta lethargic however stimulants will not let u sleep). oh yea btw acid is a stimulant, never ever take it past afternoon unless you want to be horrifically exhausted after ur trip lets off the next morning. trips last up to 12 hrs, do NOT dose late. sincerely, me who dosed at like 8 in the evening and felt like death the next morning without a wink of sleep. but yea anyway. i believe what u say ab coke but i feel like it just wouldnt do it for me and i wouldnt feel those prosocial sort of invulnerable feeling effects. still again worth at least 1 try but unfortunately my body simply does not fw stimulants

[ofstarsandskies]

🌟🌟 obligatory one for lulu and purple elle too? also feel better soon n_n

🌟 Drop one of my characters’ names in my inbox and I’ll tell you 10 facts about them 🌟 || @mathcs (Thx btw, least hearing's coming back a bit--)

Unlike most, Elle only takes lukewarm baths or showers as to not dry out her skin. There's also probably not a single skincare routine she hasn't tried and/or is currently using.

Throwing knives as her weapon of choice was mainly due to Victor refusing to let her engage in close range, but also not wanting her to face gun recoil. Engraving the cats was her personal touch.

Elle owes at least half her weapon proficiency to Rideaux, her teacher. His comments hurt at times, but she'll say it also toughened her up. And it taught her how to lie to Victor so there wasn't a murder that night.

Elle began eating tomatoes at around the time she turned 13 after she read tomatoes help reduce sunburn risks. She's no enthusiast, but she won't turn down a good pasta margherita anymore.

Sometimes Elle has Victor braid her ponytails for her to relive old times. She notes Victor takes way longer to do it than her Dad, though.

She's considered the nicknames "Elly", "Noelle", "Ella", and "Elliana" to try and combat the Elle Conundrum when hanging out in Star's dimension. Her younger self just calls her "Big Me"/"Big Elle", which works too (for now).

Despite living in such a secluded spot, Elle does have a small social circle she met online. She's had a couple girls nights over at their homes (though she has to keep her phone glued to her every hour in case Victor goes full helicopter parent).

Elle did actually manage to secure the newer Bunnykins doll after the original got busted for its use of poached monsters. She also has other Bunnykins merch like her favorite Bunnykins Pink pen. Jude's seen what evils she's done with that.

Sometimes she'll summon the Spyrite Origin to help practice how to be an older sister to the little Elle. She also asks questions that Victor wouldn't answer under constant torture (like what Direct Tethering is).

Her usual online screen name is "Pinky Promise🌠" as a loving memory to how she promised Victor they'd go to Canaan together. Though they never made it, she considers the promise met since they're still around post-Trial.

I'mma do 50/50 for SMT IV AU and Canon cause you know why lol

For some reason, Lulu has an odd affinity for trying to play with others' GHS screens. Almost makes you think he's used to it...

Getting fat was all Julius' doing. He thought Lulu needed more food since he was underweight as a kitten, and suffice to say it worked out great--

If you asked him where his favorite spot to be pet, he would say his stomach. At his weight, it's hard to reach and lick without some real kitty extortionist magic.

The bell on his collar was added to make sure if he ever sneaks into the food cabinet, of you'll hear him alright. Still manages occasionally, though.

Due to a mixup, Lulu has drank a Life Bottle before. Luckily all it did to him was give him a drug high only the strongest catnip could ever hope to replicate.

Despite hating water like most cats, Lulu is actually a really good swimmer. He's had to learn due to Issachar sometimes tipping their rowboats on accident.

Though Burroughs does embellish this speech, Lulu actually 'talks' pretty sophisticated in cat language. Other cats from Tokyo can't understand his meows very well because of it.

After many an accident zapping himself straight to the River Styx, Lulu has refined his Thunder Reigns to pierce through Null/Reflect. He's also used this to power can openers he finds to open his cat food cans when humans say 'no more'.

Lulu's favorite songs are hardcore metal. If Jude ever played one in the car, he would yowl along with the vocals cause he finds it fun. Not even Burroughs can tell you why he's like this.

Lulu has tried using the Soulstone from Amaterasu to try and make Jude's car a flying racecar. Alas, since tires don't work in the air, they usually stay grounded so they're not locked to a certain speed.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Hey, vaccine cult anon here. For the record, I've only sent you the two anons about this, I wasn't involved in the rest of the argument. And this is the last one I'm sending. I've no interest in arguing about it long term.

My issue with doctors and other medical professionals is far from "a bad thing happened to someone I knew once, therefore I don't trust the entire profession." It is, in fact, the simple matter that every single personal doctor I have ever had has done something, whether it was try to trick me into a medical procedure I hadn't consented to, put me in more danger by telling someone threatening me that I had tried to get help, accidentally given me the wrong drug, and so on and so forth.

My sister, who sees doctors all the time, has documents from half a dozen psychiatrist stating that whatever is wrong with her -- I won't say what it is, but it causes her body to behave in a way that bodies don't behave, it's dangerous, and it's painful -- half a dozen psychiatrists have given her documents that state it is not a mental problem, that whatever it is is physical in some way, and yet still every time she sees a new doctor the same thing happens: they talk to her, tell her it's all in her head or she's doing it for attention (it's not a fakeable medical condition), and send her to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist runs some tests, has a couple of sessions with her, concludes it's not a mental problem, and sends her back to the doctor, who then refuses to look into it further. I did attribute this behavior in a previous message to "not wanting to mess with their record," but I admittedly don't know that's what it is. Regardless of the reasoning, it's quite unprofessional, and they clearly don't have her best interests in mind.

My mother is diabetic, but last year she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. It was really bad and she was taken to the emergency room, where the doctor barely even looked at her the entire time she was there, never even went close to her legs, and told her that her problem (a broken ankle) was because of her weight and if she went on a diet it would go away (a broken ankle). Then he sent her home and we got to take care of her broken ankle ourselves, because no one had so much as wrapped it.

On another occasion, my mom took my sister to an appointment with a new doctor and he refused to see her because they were both women and there wasn't a man he could talk to. He still has a job, BTW.

My grandmother was killed in a hospital because a nurse gave her the wrong medication. My grandmother was once a nurse herself and recognized the medication as the wrong one, and told the nurse so. The nurse brushed her off and administered the medication anyway, through an IV. My grandmother was dead the next morning. Evidence shows she tried to remove the IV, but the nurse that administered that medication still lives there.

Compared to all this... I mean, I have one funny story about a good-natured oral surgeon who had a decent sense of humor. I was knocked out to have my wisdom teeth removed and tongue tie cut and when I woke up I asked him if he was pregnant and he had a good laugh about it. Surgery went fine, wounds healed well, so that was nice I guess.

Of course there are good doctors and nurses out there who want to help people. That was never in contest. But given the fact that the vast majority of my experiences -- this is just a small sampling -- were so terrible... why take the risk? It's... really not worth it. I wouldn't go on a roller coaster that killed a third of the people who went on it just because everyone who survived said it was really fun. I might die at home, without help, but I also might not. I might not die at the hospital, they might help me... but I also might die a preventable death because someone was too tired or busy to check my chart and see if I'm allergic to something. And that's just appallingly likely. It's not that I think all doctors are corrupt. It's that I'm not willing to take the risk of letting someone who might be have that kind of power over me. There's only a handful of landlords in my town that I know personally that I'll rent from, because the risk of a landlord I don't know taking advantage of me is just too high (and it's happened too often already). I doubt anyone's going to tell me that's an unfair assumption. Unfortunately I just don't have the trust or rapport built up with any practicing medical professionals to put my life in their hands, not after I've seen how fragile it is and how easy it is to lose under all too common circumstances.

Like I said, this is the last message I'm sending about this. I'm not arguing, but I do want to clarify my position. Medical malpractice is, as others have pointed out, horribly common, and I, personally, am not going to take the risk.

Once again I have nothing to add.

[petewentzisblack1312]

hm. thinking about bishops knife trick as a song about the personas relationship with the management of their mental illness. content warning for discussions of suicide, drugs,

like throughout fall out boys discography blue is used to evoke imagery of psychiatric medication and draw a parallel between that and sadness, suffering (and occasionally music) like in hum hallelujah ("i sing the blues and swallow them too" which btw is a magnificent line). with that repeated motif in line, the chorus of bishops knife trick can be read from a lot of perspectives.

"these are the last blues were ever gonna have/lets see how deep we get" theres a common interpretation of this line being about the hiatus, but i think its more interesting to read it as about medication. this is the last time the persona (and their mania) will medicate. how long can they go on like that? i think the last two lines draw a really interesting parallel to fourth of july ("may the bridges i have burnt light my way back home" vs "the glow of the cities below lead us back to the places that we never shouldve left") like the persona is going back to the wreckage that their breakdown left behind to make ammends.

the prechorus has a lot of interpretations with this following it; broadly, its saying that the persona is close to escape in some way. one interpretation is that "the last blues" were really meant to be the last ones, and the persona was attempting suicide. i think this can also be interpreted as being about what lies ahead though. 'this is the last time ill be blue' or 'this is the last time ill depend on these drugs to be healthy'. considering the way pete talks about his suicide attempt (saying things like "i didnt want to die, i just wanted the noise to stop") and his relationship with psychiatric medication (he used to abuse his prescription and had apathetic doctors who allowed that, he currently manages his bipolar disorder with only therapy) i dont think its a stretch to say it could easily be interpretted as both.

in the first verse, the persona details that theyre living life full tilt, or at least appear to, but even still, theyre miserable (im pedal to the metal make no mistake/this is my pity party). theyre living life on a knifes edge and feel that they either are or will end up in some version of hell (im living out of time, eternal heatstroke), and that theyre only willing to make a difference in their life as it relates to sex and romance. ("spiritual revolt from the waist down" is most likely a reference to george orwells 1984, 'youre only a rebel from the waist downwards' genius is unfortunately useful for the 50 billion references pete makes)

in the second verse, the persona talks about and to their mental illness. "ive got a feeling inside that i cant domesticate/that doesnt want to live in a cage/a feeling that i cant housebreak" their mania is wild and barely controllable, and they cant really safely wield it. "im yours til the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away/im struggling to exist with you/and without you" its all consuming, and living with it ruins their life, but living without it makes life empty.

the bridge goes on to go detail them desperately trying to go back to a time before they were aware of all of these problems. they know they cant undo whats done, but they want to go back to the euphoria without any of the downsides. they want to learn how to live with their mania without depending on drugs, but its hard, and they feel like a failure. but the triumphant repetition of the chorus points to the fact that they are sticking to it, no matter how hard it is. those were the last blues they were ever gonna have.

another angle, with the way the chorus stays in the present tense, is that even though they started doing the work, even though they started getting better, even though they were trying, they still fell off and had to start again. this time is different. this time is the last one.

this song kind of leads me to change the way i read mania a little bit. not by much, but i think maybe the muse isnt mania, or at least it isnt just mania. its also addiction. to be fair, addiction and bipolar disorder are often comorbid, and risk taking behaviours such as substance abuse are a symptom of mania. even more broadly there is research to indicate that addiction can cause bipolar disorder in people with no family history of the condition. still, while chasing mania is a valid interpretation, i think adding the specific dimension of addiction and/or using drugs to do so makes for a much more interesting and emotion reading.

in case youre wondering, i very much prefer the more optimistic "i am going to get better even if it kills me" reading.

-

consider buying me a ko-fi?

[bluezeri]

WIP

I was tagged by @sleepswithvillains for the WIP thing and ill be honest ive never done this before so uh,, idk smack me if i do it wrong??

anyway heres ne’tey having a nightmare so tw for that

--

Ne’tey’s nightmares were quiet.

He didn’t mumble incoherent words out loud. He didn’t thrash around or wake up screaming. He never made a sound.

It was why no one ever knew. He’d learned to hide it so well that even his Master couldn’t tell, greeting him in the mornings with a wide smile and a cup of Alderaanian tea. 

But Koth knew. He’d gotten injured by Senya (again. There really was no getting away scratch free with her), and he’d just wanted to make sure his lightsaber-wielding boyfriend was okay. So he asked if he could stay the night. Ne’tey was so out of it he barely get past the image of Koth’s smile when he laughed at his drugged up cluelessness. He didn’t think about what Koth would think of him, or how he’d react.

--

yeah im still not a good writer but eh

thanks for tagging me btw!!

[yandere-daydreams]

Since requests are open, could we get a Deku with a chronically ill darling? To where maybe he started off as your caregiver (no quirk AU) and slowly finds himself in love?? Hits close to home. I love your work, btw!!!

Alright, I kinda translated heroes or doctors/caretakers, so… roll with it, everyone. I make the rules here.

TW: Emotional Manipulation, Non-Consensual Drugs, Implied Rape

In the morning, Izuku woke you up with a kiss.

It was a subtle, soft gesture, more often on the forehead than the lips and rarely anywhere lower. He’d always be smiling, grinning, just so happy to have you close enough to touch, close enough to care for properly. You never argued against it. Sometimes you didn’t want a kiss, some sometimes you didn’t want to wake up while the air was still chilled and before the sun had a chance to rise, but you’d never tell Izuku that.

He was your doctor. Doctors cared for their patients. If he did something, it was obviously for your benefit.

After that, he’d give you a small, orange pill, and you would wonder what it was supposed to help. You had medication, medication that worked, but Izuku insisted that it was necessary, going on about how your condition was getting worse, or the symptoms your showing, or how he thought you’d been a little stressed, lately. At first, you refused to take it. But, when it became apparent he’d just crush whatever you were supposed to take up and mix it into your drink, you figured it would be better to see what you were swallowing, at least.

The rest of the morning would be filled with domestic, trivial tasks, none of which were particularly important. He’d carry you into a shower, washing your hair and lathering you in affectionate touches, saying that this was normal for couples, normal for caregivers. You’d sit at the table as he made breakfast, chatting idly about which wing he was working that day, how that sweet nurse who’s always snuck you an extra dessert was doing, whatever came to mind. Letting him feed you by hand was never something you remembered agreeing to, but Izuku didn’t have to ask, for these things. He knew you got sore when you moved too much, this was just his way of making sure you weren’t in pain.

It’s why you weren’t allowed to walk, either. Because your legs might give out, you’d fall and hit your head, or they’d… apostrophy? Amputee?

Atrophy. You were never great with the terminology.

You’d be tired again, at that point, and Izuku would take you back to bed, laying you down and laughing as you clung to his arm and attempted to drag him down with you. He told you he’d be home soon, but you would still whine as he got dressed, only giving-in to your own exhaustion when he kissed you good-bye. He’d leave two white pills out on the bedtable, to take if you woke up while he was gone. You never remembered taking them, but they were always gone at the end of the day.

You weren’t sure how long his shifts lasted, sometimes eight hours, sometimes sixteen, with the occasional twenty-four hour emergency. Part of you knew it wasn’t healthy to sleep that much, but you never felt like you had. There were still bags under your eyes, your body constantly heavy and on the verge of collapsing, even if Izuku promised you were ‘flourishing’ under his care. You certainly weren’t healthy when you’d come to him, but you were never this… tired, either. And yet, anytime you found yourself staring at the mirror a little too hard for a little too long, you just reminded yourself Izuku was taking care of you.

This was probably just part of the recovery process. He warned you this might happen, when he offered to switch you into a more personal program, so he must know what he’s going.

When you woke up (for the second time, you think), the sun would be setting, Izuku at your side and unconscious, more often than not. You would curl into him, simply playing with his hair until he woke up, when he grudgingly took another shower and discarded the less than sanitary scrubs he’d come home in. It’d take some effort for him to move on with his day, getting him out of bed something more easily said than done with a man who lugged you around like a toddler carrying his favorite stuffed animal. It’d take coaxing, promises of an entire night of holding each other, but eventually, you get him out of bed. It might just be the monotony, but… god, you’re not sure how anyone can like sleeping, anymore.

Sometimes he helped you change, sometimes he didn’t. You used to do it yourself, relishing in the simple joy of dividing your day into two different outfits, but after Izuku pointed out how strenuous it must be to do something like that all on your own, you stopped. It wasn’t worth the fight, and… your arms kinda hurt, anyway.

Dinner was already prepped and cooked within the next half an hour. It was the one time you were allowed a few minutes in the kitchen, if only to see the locked cabinets and all the cutlery you weren’t allowed to use, Izuku having deemed them ‘too dangerous’ for unsteady hands. This time was also when he let himself talk about you, about how much he loved you, about how well you were doing with him, about how beautiful you whenever he got to see you. It always almost always a tangent, a sleepy ramble that didn’t require a response. You wouldn’t provide one, either way. You’d just sit and listen, trying to ignore all the times he mentioned adding something to your IV, or when he’d laugh about weak you'd be, without him.

You never really liked dinner.

Izuku would spend an hour or two doing chores (you’d offer to help, but any tasks he gave you were more out of pity than a genuine desire for you to help), and if he was feeling lazy and affection, there’d be more cuddling. You were allowed to read or watch something or play on one of his old hand-helds, the kind you didn’t know they even made anymore. Izuku was content to rest his chin in the crook of your neck, kissing and nipping at your skin, occasionally commenting on whatever you were doing. Whenever it looked like things were going to escalate, Izuku feeling a little more playful and energetic and loving that day, he’d give you a big, round, squishy pill. That one was always your favorite, out of everything he’d give you.

Izuku was happier than usual, when you woke up the next morning. 

And you were happy for him.

But, normally, he’d carry you to bed, kissing your nose or rubbing your cheeks together or doing something sickeningly sweet before laying down at your side. When he first switched to home-care, there’d been physical therapy, Izuku helping you to stretch and maintain some of the mobility you used to have. There wasn’t, now, Izuku just saying you didn’t have to move, not if he was there to take care of you. You were just left to lie awake until the sun rose and Izuku, once again, woke you up with a kiss.

You used to think about how your life had been, how doctors didn’t kiss their patients, or keep a four-digit code on their medicine-cabinets, or cry when their clients mentioned wanting a second opinion. When your mind was clear and you didn’t think Izuku was attempting to read your thoughts, you would start to wonder if you’d ever told your family where you were, or how long it’d been since you’d talked to someone besides the physician who probably wasn’t supposed to get so excited when you came down with something incapacitating. You’d mull over everything he said, everything he did, every lingering touch and needy kiss, and in the end…

You’d tell yourself not to think about it.

Izuku was a doctor, and you were his patient. He was trying to help you, he had to be trying to help you.

Even if you only seemed to be getting so, so much more helpless.

[humankoalaa]

BLACK LIGHTNING 3X15

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

okay...here we go.

• gravedigger ... so your telling me you murder folks and feel the right and honorable thing to do is bury them after? ... thats like giving someone a hotdog choking them with it then helping them unfuck their throat.

• everybody: “get on the ground now” ... khalil: “but how do i continue getting beat up if i get on the ground” ... everybody: “exactly.”

• please let this mean he’ll be able to control when he becomes painkiller.

• “is this supposed to be a pep talk?” 🤣🤣 same erica. same. like jeff damn near said everything but you’re gonna die.

• my mother looking at my other mother worried to bits. nissa iss gon be alright.

• JEFF.... LIGHTNING IS STRONGER THAN YOUUUUUUU she just reckless BUT SHE IS STRONGER THAN YOU. got my auntie out here with all the nobody puts baby in the corner vibes.

• brandon... im sick of you. aggravating ass. so we put our hair in a bun and all a sudden we don’t know how to act? ok mr. marshall.

• “we’re screwed” 🤣 TC i felt that in my soul.

• jenn looking at jeff like rosa parks did not sit her ass down for you to be forcing me in the back like this. 😩 look im just doing the lords work. ok?! i can’t make this shit up.

• go head gambi. my thoughts exactly.

• first of all mr. only enhancements i got is hypertension and type two diabetes.... you ain’t gon do shit.

• 🤣🤣 yaaasss my mother said yeeeee ain wants none of this schmoke 💅🏾

• lady eve.... did she set up gambi orrrrr...

• anissa just watching grace sip this tea all heart eyes 😭

• “watch the candles” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

• now that anissa said grace is evolving i can’t help but see grace as a pokémon. im upset.

• ... lynn... come on mawmaw. why you always showing up with bad news. definition of why we should just shoot the messenger. OFF with her head! im tired.

• 😭😭😭😭 my parents! we love love. ugh. this is what i call redemption. cause their first pillowtalk was a tragedy.

• thundergrace hands down the baddest CW couple. i said what i said.

•WAYMENT NO SHE DIDNT 😦🤭

• she did. SHE DID. she asked my mother to marry her right in front of my caprisun 😭😭

• TC... come on big fella 😂 a corpse has more game than you 🤦🏾‍♀️

• “now you can die happy” 🤣 erica kills me.

• “TC that girl dont want you” 🤣🤣 this has to be one of the best delivered lines from china.

• OKAAAYYY PAINKILLER WE GEETTTT it.

• “is tobias my cousin?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

• dawww this is cute. grace finally meeting her mother in law cooking for the fam ugh this show ❤️

• i love how everyone looks around the loft the same way when they first come inside. like yes she pays for it with drug money. we don’t talk about that.

• “you mean like the last supper?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤦🏾‍♀️

• wardrobe... why y’all got my mother in a straight jacket tho. like is that a hooded corset? like half hoodie half corset? so many questions. i have so many.

• 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 the faces after they said they’re getting married i could choke

• jenn tawm bout finally 🤣 as the captain of this ship i wouldnt expect anything less. like your fave captain could never!

• that has to be a record 🤣🤣 they got engaged 14 minutes ago. FOURTEEN. without commercials 7 minutes ok?! SEVEN. like they don’t even need a uhaul cause grace pretty much lives at anissas. i can see it now all the twitter folk “but they haven’t even been together that long” “their relationship is toxic” “but grace abused anissa” “anissa has a tracking device on grace” listen to me... SAY LESS. k? K. they been married since season 1 episode 3 btw.

• ugh this scene. i love how last episode anissa said grace is the one right. now this scene where she’s telling lynn she’s not doing it just cause Is perfect. it fits anissas character traits so much and i love that whoever wrote this episode played into just that. her recklessness with a cause essentially. so i love that she acknowledged it is sudden but regardless of the circumstances she would still marry grace.

• jenn, jeff, and grace. a trio i stan.

• WAYMENT... y’all see TC and erica 👀

• brandon... 😂😂🤦🏾‍♀️ man let that lady go.

• awh lawd gravedigger done knows allllll their powers and shit 🤦🏾‍♀️

• TC ... that’s the loudest most indiscreet shit ive ever seen 😂😂😂😂 like say it any louder and gravedigger will hear you. smh.

• ooooooo here for alllll the wedding drip. these pantsuits 🔥 also i dare them to look and be any gayer.

• awh lawd jenn 🤦🏾‍♀️ how many times are we gonna do this 😩 like come on auntie.

ooooooo next weeks bout to be lit!

[zenosanalytic]

People What Aint From Round Here Is The Problem...

So I just watched Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood and I have THOUGHTS:

Ive read a few reviews&ruminations on this film at this point and I can’t believe that none of them got(or at least, mentioned explicitly) the primary thesis of this movie, spcl given that Tarentino flatly states it out the mouth of his primary protagonist within, like, the first 15-20mins of the film: “...most important thing in this town is when you’re making money you buy a house in town. You don’t rent... Hollywood real estate means you live here. You’re not just visiting, not just passing through. You fuckin live here.” i.e., the most important thing in Hollywood, to Hollywood, is the people FROM Hollywood; Everyone else is just a filthy, trouble-making tourist or profiteer who is “Passing Through” and “Doesnt Get It” and  “Is Fucking It Up”(It being the film industry), and probably “Secretly Hates Movies”. There are places and aspects of this movie that are basically a Nativist Angeleno rant, written by a life-long Angeleno film-nerd-turned-film-maker, against Hollywood’s critics(and his critics which he just totally conflates with the former), and probably non-Angelenos(and non-Californians?) in general.

There are two ways to read this thesis: Straight and Subverted/Satirized.

The evidence for reading it straight is pretty plentiful. Lots of reviews have puzzled at where the line connecting the constant hippie-bashing, the weird focus on knocking Polanski’s Polishness & preference for shooting in London, and the inexplicable pot-shot at Bruce Lee is, and I think this is it. “The Hippies” are repeatedly presented as a corrupting force: digging through trash, living in squalourous filth at the Spahn Ranch dragging members of “Old Hollywood” like its owner into it with them, selling drugs, and using sex to “control” men. And attached to this is presenting “The Hippies” as foreign; not only from another place, but refusing to assimilate with the LA way of life and hostile to it. The Manson family are the only explicitly identified “Hippies” in the film(other than, possibly, the one who sells Cliff an acid cig). The only “positive” portrayals of Bruce Lee in the film are silent ones of him teaching anglos kung fu, which has some fairly obvs and well-understood Implications.

But there’s also good evidence for reading it as subverted and satirized. Both Tate and Dalton are NOT from California, let alone LA, and Booth’s origins are left unclear. Dalton’s the only one of them explicitly id’d as being from elsewhere(Missouri), but Tate’s easy to google and she was a military kid who grew up all over the place. When Dalton returns from Italy, that sequence and his look in it are VERY reminiscent of the scenes introducing Polanski at the beginning of the film. The side-characters around Tate, perennially shown in a positive light, are also non-Angelenos. Doing Spaghetti Westerns revitalizes Dalton’s career, despite his disdain for Italian cinema. Tate and her crew, while not explicitly ID’d as “Hippies” and often shown in Mod and other fashion styles, are also presented in “Hippie” fashion, shown listening to “Hippie” music, smoking the “Hippie” Reefer(Im sorry, but Comedy Demanded this phrasing and I am Devout u_u), and implied to be living a polyamorous “Hippie” life.

It really is difficult for me to say which predominates. On the one entirely metaphorical hand, the ways in which Dalton’s Angeleno chauvinism are subverted and mocked are fairly obvs, but on the other emh, the film is FILLED with LITERALLY GLOWING nostalgia for this pre-Hippy, pre-Lefty, pre-70s, Conservative and Republican California&Los Angeles. Dalton’s focus on property-ownership&the film industry in the opening thesis could easily be seen as resolving these subversive contradictions to allow for a straight read(ie: Tate, Booth, and Dalton are “Hollywood People” who’ve both bought real-estate in LA, and who’ve grown up in film or film-adjacent fields and choose to center their adult lives in the film industry). So much, in fact, that I kinda started to wonder abt QT’s politics while watching it. And, if it WAS satirical, then what’s the point of the knock to Bruce Lee and focusing criticisms of Polanski on his Polishness and shooting in London? Is that just meant to characterize Dalton and Booth as nativists and racists?

It really cannot be said enough that there are REALLY MORE APPROPRIATE CRITICISMS to make of Polanski than 1)begin Polish, 2)possessing boyish effeminacy, and 3)preferring to shoot movies in London instead of LA. Which are this movie’s only problems with him(though it also takes the time to show him bitchily smoking a cigarette in an evening gown while being rude to a dog). Obvsl I dont object to villainizing an ACTUAL REAL LIFE VILLAIN like this shitstain, but I DO object to being asked(albeit gently) to participate in this film’s understated nationalist bigotry.

It’s possible that Cliff’s turning Pussycat down during the drive to the ranch was intended to be this but I highly doubt it. And if it was it’d be misrepresenting Polanski’s misdeeds enormously, considering that Pussycat, the too-young girl, is the sexual instigator in this film. Polanski liked to manipulate, drug, and rape underaged girls(he pulled the same shit with models in Europe before getting busted for it in LA, btw, then continued doing it after fleeing back to Europe); really not the same situation.

There’s another irony in that, while the film goes out of its way to call Polanski “boyish” and imply that makes him feminine and that this is Bad, there’s also a subtle under-current that... Tarentino sees himself in his youth the same way? He’s certainly never been short like Polanski and Jay Sebring are/were, QT’s 6 1, but the actors he cast to play them and the description made of the pair in-film are more than a bit reminiscent of how Tarentino looked&was discussed in the press back in the 90s when he was starting out. AAAaaand the film explicitly calls that Tate’s “Type”; leaving me with the question: would Tarentino be able to stop himself from implying a dead starlet would have been attracted to him? I leave the answer to your imaginations, Dear Readers u_u

Having said all that it IS a really good film, which I liked, I dont think it’d be very hard to set aside this political stuff while watching, the driving sequences are especially emotive&exhilarating, and there’s some seriously great acting in it. IDK if I’d say I liked it more than the recent Emma movie, tho.

I feel like each of the trio, Tate, Dalton, and Booth, were meant to symbolically Embody LA/Hollywood/California? Like Pitt especially seemed to be channeling movie characters and CJ from GTA: San Andreas throughout his performance, while I couldnt help but think of Ronald Reagan watching DiCaprio(spcl given the character’s likely politics). So there’s this sense in which the film is a fantasy of “Old Hollywood”, embodied by these three, Vanquishing its “Enemies”, represented by The Hippies(moralizing, pretentious, gross leftist) and potentially Polanski&Lee(foreign film ppl who refuse to integrate into the LA scene). Again, given the political history of Cali after this era, this embodiment raises some questions for me abt the film and QT’s politics(particularly in re: misogyny and feminism).

Also DiCaprio is totally going to get pitched a Reagan biopic off of this role and I sincerely hope he has the good sense to turn that shit the fuck down.

Circling back to the ranting at his critics, this movie was definitely and consciously a response to them. Like: up until the last 5-15 minutes of the film, and aside from a handful of too-lingering too fetishistic too on-the-nose creep shots of the female cast that Tarentino simply could not stop himself from making, OUATiH is precisely the sort of “Serious” film Tarentino’s critics have been saying he should make for decades now(of course he did Jackie Brown, which was that and which he blew Completely out of the park). And then there’s that bloody, gross-out, exploitation-movie ending. I dont actually think it was as bad as many critics were saying it was? For some reason I was thinking there was gonna be a massacre of the ENTIRE Manson family, which would have been totally out of left-field. But it WAS clearly a stinger of a major tone-shift thrown in as a Fuck You to the ppl who’ve called out his violent and exploitative preferences throughout the years. As for me I generally like his movies and think he’s a great filmmaker but he absolutely does go too far sometimes.

Rick Dalton, in an evening-gown, with a mixer full of iced-margarita in one hand, getting all up in the face of the driver of a loud exhaust-spewing jalope in his PRIVATE STREET was TOTALLY Tarentino himself :| By which I mean NOT ONLY that That’s ABSOLUTELY the sort of cameo he would have given himself 30 years ago and if it made any sort of sense at all in the film(which here it wouldnt have, obvsl), BUT ALSO that I feel 94% confident that Tarentino has actually done that at least once in his lifetime :| :|

I think the monologue&interactions T gives Bruce Lee leading up to the fight were probably more insulting to him than the fight itself. Contrary to popular discussion, it isn’t Pitt’s character totally trashing Lee, he gets in one good throw after Lee repeats a successful attack at his request(which I doubt Lee would have ever done from what little I know about him; not being predictable in a fight was his whole Deal), but rather an even duel between them(most of the fight is just the two blocking each others’ attacks). I dont think the film was trying to say “Lee was full of hot-air”, if it wanted to say that it’d have shown him getting trounced instead of showing him knock Booth down then trade him blow for blow, but more “Lee was pretty arrogant and a bit pretentious”.

OK, that’s abt all that I can think of right now: thanks for reading ^v^

[heir-of-the-founders]

Hi im going to rant for a minute

Sorry, it seems like the more time i have to think abt stuff, the more i remember from my childhood and the more i hate my mother.

(Tw drugs, prescription drugs, recreational drugs, misuse of prescription drugs, bad parents, excessive cursing)

Ok so, basically, my mom and i agree that its pretty plausible that i have adhd. Like, we had a discussion abt it. Bc i realized i really clicked with a lot of adhd stuff, so i brought it up to her, and we had a small discussion, and she agreed with me. Except. She already knew. Like. She been knew. For a while.

Basically, the essentials of the convo were this:

Me: hey mom, ive been looking into some stuff, and i think i might have adhd

Mom: yea i kinda figured

Me: oh really? Then why havent you dine anything about it or brought it up before now?

My moms reply was essentially this: well, if i brought it up, then i would feel really guilty about not getting you tested, and if you got tested and you DO have it, i know youd need meds, so id feel too guilty about nkt getting you meds, but i dint want you on adhd meds because i think youll "enjoy it too much"

Yea. The 'enjoy it too much' bit is quoted too, btw.

So, basically, she tried to justify that by explaining that my sisters friend has adhd and shes on meds and has been, and when shes not on meds she gets really weird and kinda obsessed with getting them back and she doesnt want me to be like that. Like???? Like yea, micro meth dose, fine, but like- Ok mom, its not like youre a stoner, and its totally not like my sister actually did meth when she was a teenager or that youve involuntarily subjected me to tobacco my entire life. And its totally not like you still pop non prescription xanax sometimes.

But yea, me wanting to try /medically approved prescription medication/ to help with my possible /mental disorder/ is totally the same thing. Its also not like 90% of our fights are because i physically cant make myself do stuff bc of executive dysfunction which is a fucking adhd thing you fucking nut.

Like she literally told me to my fucking face that she knew theres something wrong with my brain and knew that its probably bad enough that id need meds, and she knew that i fucking hate everything about my fucking brain but no, i cant have meds to help with that shit because ill fucking enjoy it too much.

Like, she literally knows that i have trouble in class bc i cant fucking focus half the time, and shes always getting on my ass about my grades and then turns around and deliberately reduces my ability to function in a classroom setting. Like what the fuck???

Also, im like 90% sure my brother has autism. Like actually. I don't really know how to explain it, but the more that i learn about autism and its symptoms, the more i think my brother is autistic. It could be something entirely different, i could be reading everything wrong, i dunno. Im not a professional. Bu ill eat my left shoe if my brother is neurotypical. And ya know what?? Thats never been addressed. Ever.

And like? My mom didnt fucking hesitate to get me on depression and anxiety meds. Like what the fuuuuuuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Why. Why is she fucking like this. Even if i git tested and didnt get meds, we couldve set shit up at school so i can have an easier time. Shit is fucking hard. Its always gonna be hard. But she refused to let me make it easier because she didnt want to feel fucking guilty. Like what the fuck??? And honestly, if she doesnt feel guilty for half the shit shes done to me in the last 10 years, then fuck her. Fuck. Her. She put me through so much shit for no reason. Aaaghhhh.

Gods i hate me mother. Fuck her.

[sharkmobster]

spider verse coffee shop au??

Anon im sorry i wanted to draw the coffeeshop au but ive been so tired lately so imma just overshare about what goes down bc this au is just (thick tombstone voice) : “everybody’s traumatized bitch lets get you a latte”

 • this au is incredibly villain centric bc uhhhhh all i do is think about villains

 • its also very aaron davis centric bc time to project my anxiety onto a grown ass man babey!!

 • anyway this takes place in a normal world where there’s no superheros or avengers or what have you, everyone’s super average 

• like i said this is more or less aaron centric and focuses on him readjusting to society and making connections with other people, and just healing in general. Aaron’s whole deal is that he was wrongfully arrested for defending himself against an off duty cop who was harassing him and ended up with a 10 year sentence  (but was let off a year earlier for good behaviour). He’s got a lot of guilt bc of this if only for the fact that he feels like he let down his brother and Miles (who was a small lad at the time).

 • Fun Fact! Jefferson was the one that picked up Aaron at the jail when he served out his sentence! The ride back to brooklyn was awkward! but also jefferson loves his brother and even tho they’ve had their falling outs he never once stopped believing that his brother was innocent. Jefferson also made sure to pull some strings and ended up getting an apartment set up for Aaron (even though jefferson and rio were 100% down to open their home to him for as long as it took him to get back onto his feet but of course aaron denied them bc he didnt want to be a burden) Aaron’s grateful but he tends to avoid his own family…a lot….

• it’s ridiculously hard to find a job bc nobody wants to hire an ex convict no matter the circumstances and Aaron’s legitimately about to lose hope when he spots an expensive looking shop nestled in between an old arcade and a knick knack shop

 • ‘Vanessa’s Cafe’ is neatly printed above the door in fancy gold lettering. it’s obvious that the owner has serious cash bc the shop looks too damn good and too well maintained to be a regular mom and pop shop. there’s a help wanted sign hastily scribbled on a piece of notebook paper in the middle of the window which is odd since it off sets the professional vibe of the place. But hey it’s worth a shot so Aaron walks in ready to be denied another job only to find the weirdest looking group of people he’s ever seen.

 • The first guy that catches his attention is the very large albino man who looks way too stressed out and manic to be working in a coffeeshop, but the job must pay well because he’s very well dressed.

 • “Liv, for fuck’s sake! Clean your goddamn station!” he’s whisper shouting? Is that even a thing? oh look at that he’s got a full set of razor sharp teeth. huh. that’s a hell of an aesthetic he’s going for.

 • The lady in question isn’t even giving him the time of day, just enthralled by her phone with a smile that looks too peaceful given what’s happening around her. She’s got wild hair tied up messily in a knitted bandana, weird glasses (custom made??) and when she glances up at aaron, her eyes widen in interest like he’s some anomaly to be cracked open. aaron looks anywhere that isnt the wild eyed lady at the counter.

• Theres another big guy that’s hanging around the back, heavily tattooed and lifting stacks of heavy boxes. Aaron takes notice of his prosthetic hand and the tattoo guy takes notice of Aaron. 

• “Lonnie. Customer.” The Tattoo guy seems nonplussed about Aaron and walks into the back. aaron assumes that he’s offended him by staring at his prosthetic for longer than necessary which yeah….yeah he’s probably not happy about the staring. 

 • lonnie’s got a bad case of resting bitch face so he’s glaring at aaron without actually glaring and he’s just rough around ALL the edges so his tones got that nice bite to it as he shouts from across the counter (which is not something you do to a customer but it’s lonnie…..)  "Hey! Ya looking for a job, skinny jeans?!“

 • Aaron blanches at the idea of working with these people but he is absolutely desperate for a job at this point.

 •"Yeah. I just got out of-”

 •"Great, you’re hired! We’re speed running this whole introduction thing, string bean.“

 •and that’s all i got other than like small details like:

 •Peter B Parker owns a ”“’'cafe”“” across from Vanessa’s and its literally just a burger joint that h a p p e n s to sell coffee and Parker will fight you if you call his place a deli ahdhdj

 •Liv and May are dating (big shock) and peter b has to constantly deal with seeing his competition over at his place all the time and it’s yikes

 • Tombstone and Noir will 100% throw hands on contact. They don’t hate each other tho??? Its weird they just like to fight. gives them a chance to work on their banter i guess. Noir works the coffee machine at Peter’s “'cafe”’ so i guess he’s the “”barista”” of the joint but he drinks the coffee more than the customers do

 • Miles and the rest of the spider kids “”“”“"intern”“”“” at the cafe which basically translates to free labor

 •  spider ham works there but he isnt a pig he’s just john mulaney. i know its weird. nobody actually sees him tho so he’s a complete mystery as to what he looks like so he could be john mulaney you never know. the only person who’s seen him is noir and that’s only bc they’re  a thing???

 •oh speaking of everyone being gay:  everyone’s gay

 • Lonnie and Gargan (tombstone and scorpion) are 100% dating but everyone legitimately thinks that the both of them are straight old men despite the fact that they live together, go to work together, hang out afterwards together, and they’re just always together

 • lonnie’s  daughter (janice)  visits every other week (def the product of a divorce he went through years ago) she’s alright with gargan but she’s very distant towards her dad and def has that teen angst phase that she’s going through

 • (lonnie can and will talk to you for hours about how much he loves and supports his daughter despite the fact that their relationship is very estranged)

 • you can find janice hanging out with the cute blond punk girl at that weird burger/coffee place across the street

 • oh gargan’s big and strong despite the fact that he’s missing three limbs, liv works in robotics on the side and constantly tweaks and repairs his prosthetics when they start acting up which leads to them having this weird friendship where they both borrow each other when they need something and dont really expect anything in return (like gargan’s good for getting her supplies and doing heavy lifting when she needs it and liv’s always down to run check ups on gargan)

 • oh yeah liv used to be a scientist but immediately lost her license and phd when she started going above some board members heads to buy less than legal things through super illegal sources

.• that’s another thing, kingpin tends to just hire ex cons and criminals to work in his cafe just bc he believes that a person willing to work hard to better themselves deserves a chance to re enter society again.

 • like they’ve all done bad things but still ended up with a job at the cafe. aaron fought a cop, liv did some shady deals for an illegal experiment, gargan used to run a drug ring years ago due to personal reasons but once he was free from jail he never dealt with the stuff again, and lonnie killed a dude (allegedly. he never went to jail bc they couldn’t prove anything but hey word spread around quick and everyone knew not to go anywhere near this guy)

 • kingpin is in this au btw he’s just……a very depressed man who’s still grieving over his wife and son dying in a car accident

.• he rarely shows up to run the cafe bc its too much for him being in the place that his wife loved and built up from the ground. he used to be the manager after she died but couldn’t handle it and mostly left lonnie to take care of it

• which holy fuck lonnie is trying his best to keep this cafe alive and well and there’s only two other people working there so like its enough to have him scrambling all over the place trying to find more help (thanks aaron)

 •miles doesn’t know aaron’s working at the cafe across the street and aaron def wants it that way bc even tho he’s out of jail he hasn’t actually……visited miles yet….. it’s the shame that’s keeping aaron from reaching out to him which is….sad bc miles doesn’t care what happened he just wants his uncle back.

 • oh oh one more thing RIPeter used to run the deli across the street but had to leave brooklyn to go volunteer at homeless shelters across the states indefinitely so theres no telling when he’ll be back, so he left the cafe under the guidance of pb parker (peter b parker voice: my cafe now)

 •and uhhh thats all i got, like i said this au is just found family trope + the healing we all want + bad people getting redemption which is all the tropes that i love all compacted together in the most cliche au you can imagine!

[ca1e70-deactivated]

a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years. 

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism 

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid. 

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis 

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later 

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best. 

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever. 

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment) 

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH 

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair. 

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going. 

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

[yellowdistress]

I loved you addiction AU!!! Could you maybe continue it with Peter and his dad fighting through rehab or a BAAAAD relapse? Love you, btw XD

Here you go. Again, this deals with the serious topic of addiction, drug detox, etc. so be careful when reading. ❤

They had told Peter the detox would be bad and he hadn’t really given it much thought. It couldn’t have been as awful as sitting through those meetings with the doctor, and then doing the same with a therapist. 

He was wrong.

It was bad.

It hurt, like a deep thing inside of him. Like a monster brewing. It reminded him of the times it would take him too long to get more pills. When everything would suddenly swell, like in his joints and deep within his skull. It was all textbook. They had a doctor on-call, but Peter had begged not to be admitted anywhere and his father had followed his requests, but he was suddenly regretting begging his father to let him stay home during the process, because he was slipping further and further into some sort of abyss that made him absolutely resent everything and everyone in his life. Specifically his father.

There were rational portions of himself still left, even after he vomited for the second time and flushed the toilet, falling back against the wall behind him. The rational portions told him he had willingly signed up to be in out-patient rehab. The rational part told him his father was only trying to help him. But then there was the drug-part that the Oxycodone was fueling. Where rational thoughts went to die, and Peter pressed his back into the wall, sitting on the bathroom floor. He pressed his hands over his ears, the world ringing, his senses were on fire. Spider-Man had disappeared with rehab. And Peter couldn’t even explain to his father why things sounded so much louder, why things felt so painful just from the softest of touches. His father was leaning against the door frame, and when Peter finished vomiting, he grabbed a glass of water from beside the sink and offered it, holding it out to the boy.

Peter shook his head, keeping his hands over his ears.

“Drink,” His dad ordered as if he hadn’t seen the denial, “C’mon, you’re gonna get dehydrated.”

Peter continued to shake his head petulantly, “I’ll throw it up.”

“Try.”

He shook his head, pressing harder on his ears. He had never felt so angry at his father; for making him do this. For making him go to the doctor, for confronting him. The rational part was slowly sinking with each sharp pain that ripped through his abdomen and Peter refused to take the water. His father said, harder this time, “Either you drink it or I call the doctor to come start an IV.”

“Don’t hold that over my head,” Peter snapped sharply, and before, when things were normal, he wouldn’t have been so rash or angry…But he was then, and he continued, “I’ll leave. I’ll leave if you do. Forever.”

He watched his father swallow at the threat, his face turning into something unreadable. Like a hard stone. Slowly he kneeled down, close to Peter and he had no where to go, with the wall behind him and the tub on the other side. The glass was held even closer, his father held his tongue, but the silent command was enough to make Peter’s stomach twist even harsher.

And so, Peter took the glass…His father didn’t have to say anything, he just had to stare.

He took several gulps, before finishing half and setting it aside. His father seemed satisfied with that, at least. Peter blinked several times, refusing to make eye contact as he felt defeated once more. Always defeated. Ever since his father had found the pill bottle under his pillow. His dad stood, grabbing a wash rag and he held it under the sink before returning to Peter’s side. Peter didn’t fight him as his father pulled his head forward and pressed the rag to the back of his neck.

“This would have been easier on you if you had let yourself be admitted.”

His father’s voice was steady, but there was bitterness behind it. Peter couldn’t be admitted. Not just because he didn’t want to, but because he was afraid…he was afraid of the medicine meant to alleviate the symptoms, if they would notice he needed more than the average person did. If his father would find out and that would be added on top of everything. He felt frustration corner him, drug-thoughts took hold, that same irrational anger. The one that blamed his father for the situation because he had been the one to take the pills and - 

“I mean, it would have been easier if we had never done this.”

His dad didn’t reply for a moment, before he questioned, “Done what?”

“This,” Peter emphasized, “This…rehabilitation thing.”

“Would you have preferred I let you keep stuffing yourself with oxy?”

Peter flinched at the bluntness. He tugged away from the cold rag and his father’s hand, looking at him with a dark glare. His eyes burned, offense taking hold as he felt like just some drug addict to his dad. Not like his son, his dad wouldn’t let him keep taking the pills, even though everything hurt and he wished he understood, he wished the rational part, the one that wasn’t going through withdrawals was talking, not this Peter.

“It’s unfair,” Peter croaked, “It’s not fair. Dad please.”

“You have to want to get better,” His dad said, “Or else this isn’t going to work.”

Peter’s lip trembled, “I wanna get better.”

“Then why are you begging for more?”

The boy couldn’t help it. He slammed himself back into the wall in frustration, his head striking the sheet rock forcefully enough for it to give way under his skull. Pain spiked, but it might have been worse, had he not had his strength. But his father’s hand shot out nonetheless, putting a palm between his head and the wall and he snapped harshly between his teeth, “Peter, stop it!”

“I hate you,” Peter felt tears burning, and it wasn’t rational-Peter, and he knew he hated himself in that moment, not his father, but it came out the wrong way, “I hate you, this isn’t fair. You-you hate me. You want me to hurt.”

To his father’s credit, he took the verbal abuse with stride. Maybe he knew too, that this wasn’t Peter speaking, but the pills that he desired so much. Peter went to hit his head again, but his father pulled him forward, squeezing to sit behind him, between Peter’s back and the wall. Peter found himself stuck to his father’s chest from behind, an arm wrapping tightly around his chest. He sucked in a deep breath, only squirming a few moments before he was drowning back into the cold sweat of the withdrawals, unable to squirm anymore.

Peter’s chest heaved. 

“I’m dying,” Peter murmured weakly, his hands forced in a crossed position over his chest by his father, and he really thought he was. His heart was racing, he could hardly breathe, Spider-Man’s strength was disappearing with the weakness in his limbs. He couldn’t even fight off his own father, “I-I feel like I’m dying.”

His father rested his chin on the top of his head.

“You’re not dying.”

“I am,” Peter’s chest quaked, “You gotta - you gotta - “

“No.”

Peter’s face crumbled, like a child being told no to a toy or some kind of sweet. He fell back into his father’s chest, letting the frustration swallow him whole in the form of a brief sob. Peter, once more coherent, would be mortified. But in that moment…he was more hurt, and betrayed, and he didn’t understand why his father wouldn’t help him. But the words backtracked, and even if in his feverish haze he couldn’t comprehend much, he still knew something had been wrong…

“I don’t hate you,” Peter whispered, a tear parting from him, “I just don’t understand.”

There was a sigh.

“I know.”

[bloodstainedangelic]

My Experience with The human Condition

I feel like I should start writing this somewhere so maybe someone sees this and avoids some of the mistakes i've come to make threwout my life. I dont exactly plan on this being a autobiogeph, But things are confusing at the current moment. Let's get Started Let me start of by intreducing myself Hi, Im Roy Otherwise Known as janro a Afrikaans Raised South african 22 year oldAnd Im a Psycopath of sorts Now my Grammer or Spelling wont be a real reflection of my Brain so to speak, or my Character im in general bad with spelling but im good with words I guess. Im not a Psycopath in the general sense of what most people think , No I dont hurt people I have yet to murder someone in case your wondering. But I dont feel things like people should, Happiness IF you could call it that comes for me in the form of anger and immense moments of depression Tho im not sure what those Emotions really mean, Its the closest I come to feeling anything tho, Im not sure what anything is really, I find it impossible to learn anything from anyone, I think it might have to do with the fact that I usually Find myself better the work.Its a bad habbit because of that I learn to hate almost everything I do, Yet i Tend to be good at it, Everything ive ever undertaken ive either excelled at or simply never bothered to even try at it. I have no Motivation for anything It seems Pointless I dont see the purpose of running the hamster wheel of a life we tend to live, Im lonely So lonely yet I have a beautifull girlfriend thats wonderfull really. Shes amazing, A little one the only thing probably keeping me around my Beautifull little child. But that hurts me in the same breath because I want to see the world and expierence everything from every corner of the world in hopes that i find something that brings me Purpose, But now Because of her im forced to run the hamster wheel. And this is has been the hardest undertaking of my life. a year at college to get a Degree thats gotten me Nowhere and Taught me nothing, The person "In Charge" of teaching us" was so incapible him self I actually found it amusing in times so now with no Safety net noone to run to, No more Money to study Further, I sit here everyday Trying to find a job im totally unprepared to do. Maybe I am Ready but You see im intentionally or unintentionally self destructive I dont know, I cant afford to see a Therapist to try and deal with my Problems. If that would even help, So here i Am hoping some Stranger reads this and Borrows me a ear or some advice, Im trying to briefly Summarize my Current Situation So IF you're not interested in the full story Stop here. As a child I use to excell at everything I did at 12 I was already taking care of my Drunk of a dad, And teaching my Mother and sister how to cook, How to teach, How to handle there work and school life's I've always been the helpfull Silent kid that helps everyone els out with a smile but never quite getting anything in return, Well not In the general sense atleast. See I thrive on Others Emotions Im kind of a Morphic Person I adapt my Personaly and Characteristics to the person im talking to, So "Me" as a person my "Personality" Doesnt exsist its totaly Dependant on my current situation Because of that i've found it easy to Manupilate people Especially People who think they have the upper hand. When someones Following my Everywhim I feel this " At home" feeling And I guess because of this My life turned out the way it did. See for me Nothing Ever works out the way its suppose to, Im a Hopeless Optemist at time but its never worked out not even once, I've never had a plan work out before Yet I cant bring my self to "Just go with the flow" Because I tend to feel very little 99% of the time I've always been the calm and Colected person in my Family so everyruns to me if theres trouble or if they have problems. I'd love to run to someone I know for help right now, But I dont think anyone I know has the brain cells to understand the odd situation im in. Basiclly Im stuck in a puddle and ive got no way out. Theres no branch to latch onto no doors to open threres nothing ahead, I'd love to say all I need is for someone to give me a chance but im not sure I can get what they need from me done, Every Dream ive ever had ive had to toss into the wind because of one or another situation Either money family or loved ones. I feel like Im not good enough for anything anymore I've always had this rock solid self confidence lately none of thats left, Im the kind of guy that can write a 4000 Word essay on the spot usually and right now i dont even know what to write anymore, My Life is a Shit show right now, And ive got no outlet So im hoping this provides me some kind of support. I've lived a complicated live uptill now I've dealt With a Drunk for a dad thats sold everything ive almost every owned when i was living with him I turned to drugs to Feel something at some point But I litterly Stopped that Addiction simply by doing so much drugs that i'd be able to go to the hospital if i OD'd or Feel so shit that I can mentally start to restructer the addiction as a "Pain in the ass" "A hassle" It wasnt some Therapy or Rehab that helped me Just me simply Lying to my self and Ya I do get Cravings from time to time , But Eh. after that I spent 3 Years sitting at home trying to find a job And eventually after Interview and Interview failing I ended up Going to study and it this point im sure you know how that ended, And now im a Neutral Rock that cant feel anything but Crushing Self Pitty and Demotivation towards every daily act Its gotten to the point where i'd rather be hungry for 2 days straight then get up and make my self some Instant noodles or a Cheese sandwitch The other day I had such bad Stomach Cramps That i fainted, Probably because of the lack of neutrition but Eh I dont have the money to see a DR and I cant be Bothered trying to Improve my Diet as an Example I use to Weight About 90KGs Athletic Guy with Big "Muscles" I weight 42 KGs atm I Disgust my self when i look in the mirror lately When i see how ive let my self just Rot I honestly looked better on drugs Hell all the photos on this twitter I was high as all shit. I cant Off my self cause what about my kid. And That would be to much of a hassle honestly I mean ive been trying to kill my self slowly for years but still. I cant improve my life because I have no motivation And to improve it I would need a job and at this point I cant even remember what I had for Breakfast. Ooh And ive been Self Medicating with 7 Types of Anti Deppresants None of wich work btw All they do is make me feel "Edgy" when I forget to take them. But yeah I mean Shitts Tuff Im having some real "First World" Problems at the moment but to be honest i'd rather be in a warzone or some apocelyptic fuckery of a area atleast there id have a daily in and out and hell maybe the idea of getting murdered everyday might drive me to do something with my life althought thats doubfull But yeah if you got this far I think I owe you a Alot, and hell maybe you feel the same but I just want someone to fucking help me. I Feel fucking broken And I really just need some Help.