#ive never felt so content

[scereplop]

losing my creation

It feels so uncanny that just a few hours ago I was writing like a dam had opened inside me and the words of ages before my time flowed out in incessant cascades upon the page. A whole world had been made known to me and I was forced to let go of it too soon and I will never get to lay eyes on the map that was so graciously revealed to me ever again. I've never been separated from a piece of my writing so permanently before and I despise this feeling. I think I left a part of me on that paper and now I desperately scramble to fill the hole it left I can only reconstruct the vague shape of it from a fading memory. It feels so misshapen. It feels so forced. It feels like I am only drawing the gap larger the more I scratch at the wound.

How do I relive it? How do I experience that inexplicable experience again? I want to try but the fear of failure holds me back.

I do not want to believe that I have lost my child before I had the chance to get to know it. Why won't the necromancers tell me their secrets?

[locoier]

i love qsmp because it forces me to like. actually work on my language skills. like so often i find myself watching content in portuguese with spanish translations. so im watching content in the language im trying to learn with subtitles in my second language and i know that my brain is actually working and learning yippie

[tennessoui]

au where everything is sorta the same in the phantom menace, but it's role reversal, so it's stewjon and not tatooine that they crash on, and it's baby obi-wan that padawan skywalker and his master qui-gon jinn find.

baby obi-wan isn't the chosen one or anything, but he's this pure beacon of Light in the Force, old and untrained as he is, and that's attracted a ton of different Force sensitives to the area---both Light and Dark. qui-gon tells baby obi-wan that he'll take him to the Temple for training if he wants, and obi-wan agrees only for qui-gon to be killed by a sith there who has also been drawn to obi-wan's Light.

that's not important though because anakin absolutely hacks the sith to pieces for killing his master (and baby obi-wan, who is kneeling by qui-gon's body and holding his big hand in his baby ones, is terrified that he'll be next when anakin turns around, covered in blood) and qui-gon tells obi-wan to make sure anakin trains him and anakin, sorta mad with grief and loss, is like 'fuck that,' but he does take him back to the temple, gives him to the council and then fucks off on a deep cover mission for like ten years so he doesn't have to even think about the brat who caused the death of his father-master.

meanwhile though, obi-wan's new master thinks he's much too strongly stewjoni to be trained, but he does try for a few years before giving up, trading him to another master etc etc until obi-wan leaves the order all together when he's sixteen to get into stewjoni politics.

so when anakin comes back from his mission, he's shocked to find that obi-wan is not where he left him and is now a senator's aide, resulting in him storming to the senate building and pulling obi-wan (roughly) aside, accusing him of ignoring qui-gon's dying wish for him to be a jedi

and obi-wan, who has grown up nursing a hurt and hatred for this jedi in particular, rips his arm away and is like 'actually master jinn's dying wish was for you to train me so you ignored it first.'

[waterfallofspace]

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

[deductivisms]

having distanced myself from "fandom" spaces -- and really art-centered communities as a whole -- it really is strange to me how there's this perception that posting content automatically means that you're trying to grow an audience / want to become something like an influencer

i'm not trying to make a "living" off of being a content creator so it's not really important to me whether or not a piece gets a lot of visibility or not - i'm just drawing and posting what i like and if other people happen to like it or see it that's a nice bonus!! but i think personally i've kind of checked out of the idea of being an Artist On The Internet

i also just don't like the culture surrounding online art-centered spaces because it caused me to develop a very weird relationship with my work; i wasn't drawing to improve or because i wanted to, i was basically burning myself out trying to get "just good enough" to where people wouldn't judge me anymore for being "bad" which was like ?!?#?#?@#

it's nice to be treated not as someone's "art [sns] mutual" but as just a friend who may also happen to draw and that's why i've felt a lot more comfortable with the people i'm surrounded by now vs previously, where it always felt like my art was a factor into whether or not i was even given baseline respect nod nod

[ozlices]

watched the kdrama celebrity over the last few days. was hooked from the first few seconds bc the EDITING in the show, & just the cinematography in general is on a whole nother fuckin level, man.

also, just. a really great show in general. v good at building suspense & throwing loops & very nice themes/takeaways. also just a rly interesting way to convey those themes/takeaways.

i think the only issue we had w it was the romance, but. eh. it wasn't so bad that it took away from the ample amount of good shit in the show.

def recommend it!! especially to anyone who really enjoyed the glory bc it has v similar themes.

[escargoonie-goo]

[turtletoria]

...

[caramelmochacrow]

temptation and sin fill my thoughts yet again. <- he wants tiktok to see d4dj content

[pepprs]

last few hours in boston :(

[brightbluekicks]

theater kid moment (i have cried 10 times today)

[edengarden]

Lairu and I are taking up the Caesar Clown tag. Claiming it as ours. We’re taking tumblr by storm. Let the Caesar Clown agenda begin.

[perilegs]

went to the comment section of a video game woman and saw that people kill her because she can't be romanced. i've got no words

[thekingofchungus]

boys will be like "hope you don't mind if I slip into something more comfortable" and make you soak your sheets at 4 in the morning

[crymeariveronceagain]

fun things about me: i try to be confident and then sometimes i feel like i screw up and then i think about it for days on end wondering if i've ruined someone's life or even just their day even though they're no longer thinking about me