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mosaic-system · 4 years

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Hfhdj hello!! I just wanna say ur blog seems rly nice and it's rly helpful, which is why i'm sendign this wah,, my best friend just figured out that he probably has did !! Ive met some of the alters in their system and I love them all,,, Ive been as supportive as I can but I was wondering if u had any advice on how to make sure they feel rly accepted and loved! Again ur blog is super nice aaaa have a good day !!

Aww this warms my heart 💜 I will start this by saying each system (and alter for that matter) is different and will have their own view on what supportive looks like!

That being said, we CAN tell you our experience or at least what we think supported/supportive, as well as some red flags to look out for that you may need to take a step back/the system is being toxic to you(because that can be true)

1. No alter is purely evil, they may act out but it’s because they’ve been hurt before in the past

🟥 An alter’s abuse should never be okay, and every other alter should take charge of whatever consequences may come of another alter’s bad behavior, no “it wasn’t me it was my alter!” See system responsibility

🔴 (for systems) it is your responsibility as a system to not abuse anyone else, not taking responsibility for your or another alter’s actions is being just as bad as the person who abused you. And yes, it is that serious.

2. Don’t willfully try and trigger out alters, if they tell you their triggers, even if the triggers are “positive” it’s still not a great experience for any alters involved.

2 1/2. Don’t ask the person who is fronting if someone else can front instead, it’s like showing up to a gathering and someone going “uh can you leave I wanted to see your sister instead” like no I’m here wtf)

3. Treat them as separate people, even though they look to you like facets of the host they are in their own sense people

4. Generally it’s a respectful thing to ask “who’s fronting?” (Don’t ask “who are you right now?”because, “I’m always me?” Is almost guaranteed to be the answer)

4 1/2. You may not always get a straightforward answer, sometimes switches take a long time and we can be a bit blendy, this doesn’t make their DID invalid.

5. NEVER ASK ABOUT WHAT THEIR TRAUMA WAS unless they tell you willingly, it’s private information and because of the DID chances are whoever you’re talking to doesn’t know the full story because...that’s how it works..?

6. Stay calm through switches. Sometimes they can take hours sometimes they can take minutes. Don’t try and rush them out of it because chances are you’ll make it worse. Don’t touch them unless you have gotten consent previously as it can be triggering, and don’t try to snap them out of their dissociation, just be patient with them.

6 1/2. When a new alter switches in depending on how good the system communication is (in your case if your friends is just finding out it’s probably not great as it takes a lot of work and time to get good communication) most likely the alter will be very disoriented and fearful. Best thing to do is pretend like a friend nervously just walked into the room, tell them that they’re in a safe place, introduce yourself, let them know what’s going on and where you are.

🟥 if they try to get you involved in innerworld/system drama, RUN. Taking sides with a persons different identities isn’t helpful, if they are asking for advice please direct them to a mental health professional. Anything else you do will result in worse communication between alter with the person and will put you on a bad side with a part of the system.

🔴(for systems) It’s toxic as someone with DID to try and rope someone into innerworld drama, it’s not their business and it’s going to hurt the relationship between you and them.

6 1/4. IF THEY TELL YOU SOME NEGATIVE TRIGGERS PLEASE TRY TO AVOID THEM AS BEST YOU CAN, pretty self explanatory, this is a disorder that has to be formed in trauma, and they can and probably will have a flashback which is a horrible situation for all parties involved. Just don’t do it.

7. Littles and teen alters are not adults pretending to be children and teenagers, they really have that mindset. Don’t expect them to act like an adult and treat them as though they are the age they present as

7 1/2. DO NOT EXPOSE TEEN ALTERS OR CHILD ALTERS TO ADULT CONTENT THEY ARE NOT ADULTS this should be a no brainer for most but it needs to be said just to be clear

8. I definitely recommend they seek professional treatment if they can, as close and supportive of a friend you may be, you cannot substitute the treatment of a trained professional. This will not only create a better foundation for system communication and healing and coping with living as a system. It can also create a concrete diagnosis and rule out any other potential factors and/or explain if there are any other comorbidities (BPD, MDD, Bipolar etc can be comorbid with DID but require different treatment than DID)

9. There is a lot of terminology out there for DID/OSDD. Check what the community uses but if they say they don’t like a certain word or phrase, don’t use it.

10. Finally BEING CLOSE TO SOMEONE WITH DID CAN BE EMOTIONALLY TAXING, BE AWARE OF HOW YOU YOURSELF ARE DOING. It’s okay that they are that way and it’s okay to step back and take a break. this is a person that’s been through a lot and is likely not in a stable place, it’s okay if you yourself need to take a step back and rejuvenate. As I love to say, “you cannot pour from an empty cup, fill your’s up first”

Take care of yourself first friend and you will be able to support so much better ❤️

This is all I can think of at the moment, I’m sure I’m missing a few things and other DID/OSDD systems feel free to add on if you guys have any other things you’d like this person to know

Hope it helps!

#actuallydid #actually multiple #did #d i d #actuallymultiple #did system #actually traumagenic #actuallytraumatized #actually plural #system asking systems #singlets asking systems #did asks #did/osdd #didcommunity #didsystemasks #didosdd #mosaic system asks

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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84 BPM

Justin had to attend to some stuff at the bar and go back to work, i sat around his apartment for a couple hours waiting for him to come home. i was looking through his vinyls and realized that practically all of them were things i listened to when I was doing my rolling stone 500 project and kind of laughed to myself abt it, like I’d done justin boot camp without realizing it

i was hitting his dab pen for a while without realizing it and got, like, a lot higher than i probably should have

he came home and was bitching to me abt work. holiday weekends in food service, he told me, basically jst meant they dealt w two saturdays in a row. he couldn’t finish inventory and he was there until 1 in the morning bc it was so chaotic.

we were talking and it occurred to me, like, jst based on what he was telling me, how similar he is to my ex boyfriend. more on a superficial narrative level than anything, but the parallels were definitely there. i guess the primary difference is “someone who thinks he’s jim morrison” vs “someone who used to think he was jim morrison when he was younger”... like this black sheep who used to get into a lot of trouble who’s since gotten his shit together and grown up a lot. he’s not harry after a 16 year time lapse, but i imagine he was probably a lot similar to him when they were the same age, jst in terms of how they were both living. similar character, i doubt, but I guess I have no way to account for it.

the circumstances were a lot different though – considering what he’s been through, who the hell wouldn’t want a sense of escapism from that? i jst am not sure why I’m always drawn to ppl like that.

and idk if it was because I was high but it rly hit me for the first time how old he actually is... jst noticing the details on his face and body that signified the beginnings of aging. his grey hair stuck out to me a little more than usual, the wrinkles around his eyes, his abdomen distending slightly despite the fact that he’s pretty thin. he told me he has high blood pressure lol. it was jst weird. i put my heart monitor on him and his resting heart rate was ten beats per minute faster than mine

i told him I wanted to bring pancake batter over the nxt time I slept over so I could make him a real breakfast and he objected – “dnt get used to that” – and i felt bad. he told me that he feels guilty of asking that of me, even though he knows i love to cook. i guess it makes sense. he won’t let me pay for anything no matter how much i ask. he tried to pay me back for the case of beer i brought over, i told him not to worry abt it. I noticed this morning he’d slipped $20 into my knapsack while i was asleep. he says he doesn’t want to be any kind of burden

I dnt know how to explain to people that if I care abt them, nothing they do is burdensome. i feel like it sounds like a lie.

i feel like ive been looping around these weird insecurities w him, jst sort of questioning whether i... i dnt want to say “deserve” bc it’s not the right word... I guess whether im comfortable w being doted on like this. im not used to someone bending over backwards for me bc they like me and want to make me happy. it’s cliche to say that I’ve always been on the other side of that, but i kind of have? it’s not that im mad abt that, or that I feel like im entitled to something bc of it. it’s jst not the dynamic im used to and it’s hard not to pick at it due to the unfamiliarity.

despite everything I feel like i dnt know where I stand w him. i know we’re, like, seeing one another exclusively. he tells his friends and his coworkers abt me and they pry at him for details and by no means is our involvement kept under wraps... but I dnt know. there’s still a part of me that says “you’re a rebound”, “he’s using you for sex”, “you’re jst arm candy to him”, “someone like him is never going to want someone like you and it’s only a matter of time before he finds out that there’s nothing to you” and lack of clarity abt what he is to me is feeding those wolves. but that’s a personal issue and they won’t go away if we establish that he is actually my boyfriend over some guy that I’ve been on a few dates with.

like he got me broadway tickets... you dnt buy your fuckbuddy broadway tickets. or maybe you do, i dnt rly know if that’s a faux pas but it certainly seems like one. but then i start thinking “this is an arrangement”. which is also so stupid. i jst wish i could jst... take him for what he is and not question him but my minds natural inclination to be super suspicious of everyone at all times is shooting me in the foot.

justin likes me. justin trusts me. despite his insistence that he has trouble opening up, he’s told me many personal things. he’s comfortable w me... and then that voice comes in... “you’re moving way too fast”, “you’re riding this infatuation too hard and soon you’re both going to snap out of it and realize that you dnt actually like each other”, “he’s acclimated to being in a relationship and he’s jst trying to fill the void his ex left. you’re jst a body. you could be anyone.” and i jst want to scream at it to shut the fuck up and leave me alone, to leave us alone, to jst let me have something. please.

i jst want to let myself enjoy something. but i dnt know how to be, in general, let alone in a relationship. im flying blind and it’s only a matter of time before i crash. and I’m going to do it bc im jst going to set myself up for failure so i can retreat to my isolation comfort zone and never be challenged as a person ever

flight or flight

#blog #justin #god's in his heaven

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hotdadlicense · 4 years

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hi i’m in walking dead mode right now so ignore this but u know how theres like quite a few AUs where like......rick wakes up and its the start of the apocalypse again after living through a fair chunk of it and its like him correcting mistakes or whatever OR the au where they all kinda wake up but theres no zombies and the end of the world was all a dream but they all collectively had it so they find each other in the modern world and meet up????? thats neat and all and i will read those fics till the day i die but u know what i have not seen and i rly wanna like. cry over? daryl.

daryl waking up at the start of the end of the world? okay i haven't put much thought into pre-rick era so like maybe just before rick comes in? maybe when merle and the crew leave for the city???? and its like a post-negan daryl thats waking up here. mayhaps the night glenn d*es and daryl gets taken? OR EVEN better maybe when jesus rescues daryl and daryl finally falls asleep for the first time in months on an actual pillow surrounded by certain members of his found family and then he just?????

wakes up and he’s at the fcking quarry. his bitchass loudmouth brothers nowhere in sight cos as daryl figures out later, merle left the previous day. its the highkey reset button that everyone kinda wishes they had because they’ve all lost so much over the past 2-3 years but like... it can not be real. okay i will readmore the rest of this so you can all stop suffering now

or! and i haven't actually seen past carl dying so i’m not positive about things but hmmm maybe when rick ~dies. the bridge explodes. rick, for all intents and purposes of the show, /DiEs/. and daryls a fucking mess becos that was on him and maggie and idk who else was involved in that plot or even if thats actually what happened. but from what ive gathered rick and daryl were kinda on the outs with the negan shit and that bridge scene could’ve been avoided. if things had just gone a bit differently. if they could go back in time just for a second! just one more chance! one more shot at things going differently and daryl could totally fix everything. then the next day daryls waking up at the quarry.

ugh quarry era daryl and saviour/negan+ era daryl are so different? like the heart of him is the same but they all barely know each other at the start and daryls so angry and skittish and runs on fight or flight mode but alexandria/saviour/negan era daryl has like......bleed for these people? provided food and water for these people? led these people to safety? put his life on the line on several occasions for these people? made some of these people smile and laugh by just existing? stepped in as leader when rick has his moments? or like co leader with michonne & co.?

like would he tell anyone?? would he speak up more and try lead them to the farm cos that was a good move they did before? does he keep up pretences and chuck a tantrum over the crew not returning with merle or does he like. go ‘okay.’ and everyones like what the actual fuck. does he go into the prison and head for the cafeteria straight away to get the remaining prisoners out and kill that one bitch that fucks shit up for them??

he absofuckinglutely saves sophia. jumps that fucking guardrail before rick can even get out from under the car properly. carol literally not letting sophia out of her sight for days after daryl and rick and sophia all return like 2 hrs later, wet and covered in dirt and some blood but safe.

if he did tell someone, who would it be?????? rick?? carol?? like how would that even go down. would he tell them maybe later on? prison era maybe. when michonne finally comes and they’re all debating whether to let her in or let her fuck off and stuff and daryls like wow i cant take this anymore rick that is ur future WIFE man. patch up her fucking leg.

or maybe carol. when they’re on watch together and carol casually mentions that daryl was over and into the woods, right on sophias heels, before people even realised which direction she went. how rick mentioned once to her that daryl seemed to know exactly where to find her. even picked up her doll without even seeming to stop. just seemed to know exactly what was happening. daryl just shrugging.

also side note. we, and daryl, do NOT know a butterfly effect. absolutely no ‘oh he saved xoxo and that means them and 2 others are gonna die!’ plots. nope. no way. this is the do-over of all do-overs. a one time fix it and fix it for the better.

THAT ALL BEING SAID this post is me being like hey what if daryl got a second chance whatever but no! what this post is truly about at its core is: IMAGINE a daryl thats lived....lets go with the ricks just died version. daryls lived that long and lost that many members of his family.

and then he hasn't.

imagine daryl seeing beth for the first time again. the last time he saw her, he was carrying out her dead body to her sobbing sister. then they’re all at the farm again and she’s theres. alive and well and still young and bright and smiling. ‘you’re gonna miss me so bad when i’m gone’ he fucking did. he missed her so fucking much. he like. physically stops himself from like just going up and grabbing her and hugging the shit out of her.

daryl seeing sophia grow up? seeing carol become that mum. the mum that she always wanted to be and become still the strongest fucking women daryl had ever met but also like........her and sophia. every time he sees them together he just wants to cry. carol deserves this so fucking bad. after everything, if he could save nothing else. he can make peace with himself knowing he gave carol this. this time with her daughter that she got robbed of.

daryl seeing glenn, alive, so so so young it seems compared to the the last glenn he saw. seeing him at camp at the quarry. seeing him talk to maggie for the first time. going from seeing him alive and so so so fucking real then his sleep being filled with nightmares of That night. how long after glenns death did daryl blame himself. would’ve put his head under the bat without hesitation if it meant that glenn could live and meet his son. him and maggie can run hilltop together. and now he’s real and he’s tangible and he’s funny and daryl spent so much of his time remembering glenn and feeling guilty that he never even really let himself miss him? but fuck he’s missed glenn so fucking much. missed having his back out on runs and glenn having his.

meeting aaron and eric again. going to that spag bowl dinner, eating the fuck out of it, just enjoying watching these two gays in love have dinner with each other at the end of the world. thinks about how they specifically invited him over for dinner. erics not gonna die this time round. they're both gonna met gracie. bring her back number plates. help her put them on the wall, put them amongst all her drawings.

meeting merle again. knowing that merle died for him. them. the whole family. michone. idk if i want merle to live or die idk lets move on.

hershel lives!!!!!!!!! no beheading here!!!!!!!! fuck that!!!!!! fuck the governor!!!!! maggie and beth and glenn do not ever have to witness their father (in law) being killed in cold blood! no! hershel fits in v well with the alexandia community and thrives there. daryl makes damn sure of that.

the road is long and things look bleak at some stages but everyday daryl gets to look at this group of people, who fucking survived! against all odds!!!! and he can smile and breathe and it doesn't matter that food is scarce. it hasn't rained in a while. everyones exhausted. doesn't matter!!! they're all alive and okay and no where near as jaded as they could be right now. every single time in the past 3 yrs where hes thought ‘if i could just go back and fix this ONE thing’ and he got that chance and he fucking excelled at it. his whole families right here, having a bbq, theyre met new people, saved more people, gotten smarter quicker.

#daryl the morning he wakes up and realises its the day he meets jesus......oh boy........#didnt even rib rick for singing along to his hillbilly crap #too busy freaking the fuck out about meeting the future love of his life #then they actually meet paul and daryl fORGOT how much of a fucking SHIT jesus is on that first day #rick and daryl walking down that never ending road after jesus steals their truck: exhausted #rick; fucking done; but like still happy: that little shit.#daryl; hearteyes motherfucker; maybe dazed but mostly dehydrated: that Little Shit.#daryl; playing it chill: what about this guy #rick; Tired TM: no. FUCK this guy.#daryl; internally: i wish i could promise u that thats the last time u say that about him. i just cant tho.#ffr

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batsysims · 7 years

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100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

#tag challenge #nonsims #ty lol that was fun

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disableddisaster · 7 years

Note

all of them :O

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

asdjfsdkf a CRUSH oh boy

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

fuck idk

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

8 months or somethin like that!

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yea it was dumb and i #Ragrat

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

im not rly super close friends with any of them but we are on friendly terms i think :-)

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

....... cant confirm but im pretty damn sure lol

7: Have you ever cheated?

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

why....... wld u do that.......

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

i dont rly think theres just one most important thing like balance is v important lol

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships adgasf

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

i mean ive never but if it works for someone !! why not

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

2 ppl

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

i regret letting it go on for so long that was big stupid!!!!!!!

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

idk lol kids?? shldnt be having sex asdfasdf

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

not rly lol

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

yeah i cant see why not!

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

if u dont like cats u cant date me like u literally cannot that is unacceptable

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

u can feel it yk like theres no defining moment i dont think

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

yea!

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

ofc!!

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

yeah its nice to rly know a person before romantic involvement but obv its not a requirement or anything asdfdsf

23: How many relationships have you had?

24: Do you think love can last forever?

i hope so!!!!!!

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

no lol !!!!! what does that even mean!

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

probably,,.... not but maybe

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

stop being a stupid dumbass ur 15 go outside

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

yeah!!!!!!

29: What do you notice first about another person?

usually their height asdfasd im v aware of how much taller ppl are than me cuz im so small :(

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

im a lesbian u fool, u imbecile

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

sdfadsf this is bad like are u saying would it bother u that they are hurting or like do u think they are crazy lol like no matter how u look this question is dumb

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

not a romantic one lol

33: Do you want to get married one day?

YEAAAAAa god

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

,,,, bad idea

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

idk if i could tbh like obviously it depends on the situation but uhh maybe

36: Are you still a virgin?

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

personality wtf

38: Do you enjoy love films?

twilight new moon eclipse breaking dawn part one breaking dawn part two end of list

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

not roses but ive gotten flowers!!

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

no lmao :(

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

im rly not picky but surprise dates are fun the other week i went glow in the dark mini golfing!!!!!!!

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

if u went to hs u read that play

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

u shouldnt put either on a pedestal asdgasdg romantic relationships are not inherently more important OR vice versa

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

im bad at romance but i love it :(

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

no asdfadsf everyone wants me to date u tho

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

FSJDSFJDS is this 2010

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

me x u

48: What's your favorite love song?

asdfadf the louvre - lorde

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

i think so but fortunately i dont care!!!!!

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

n/a

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

a nice GUY adfasd f id never date a man!!!!!!!!! fake q!!!!!!\

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

no never listen to me o my god

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

not rly

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

not at all lol its more important to know where u stand w the person ur dating!! ojutward appearance is less important

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

nahhh

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

dont think so???

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

thats called mental illness its not silly its important to treat!!!!!!

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

asdfafgsfg shut UP

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

i have a very bad memory bc fibro let me live :(

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

do what u want bro just communicate!

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

it rly depends on the relationship u have with ur family lol but again like dont put certain relationships on a pedestal

62: How do you define "cheating"?

romantic or sexual involvement w another person ???????? idk

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

depends on ur relationship i think - one of those things that u need to communicate abt

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

nooo all iwant in life is a valentine :(

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

YEA FUCK YEA

#asdfadsfasdfasdf #gaysun

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sloblesbian · 8 years

Text

so last february when my parents were moving out of their apartment in pawtucket into the house they rent now, i went over to help move some stuff and check out the new house. while we were still in the apartment (which i loved... it was a really beautiful loft), i grabbed a hair elastic from my mom’s room, because my hair was just barely long enough to put up, and i had been using those tiny plastic elastics they sell in a little container of like, 500, + many many bobby pins, and a headband. i didn’t have any hair elastics of my own. anyway it was exciting for it to be finally long enough to put up, i kept the elastic, and every day, except for 2 days in january this year where i couldn’t find it (it was, for some reason, inside of a sock on my floor), i have used it to put my hair up, which is how i mostly wear it, bc i don’t know how to part it in a flattering way, and i don’t like when it touches my face. when i have my hair down, i wear it on my wrist. i have not used another hair elastic since. it’s very stretched out & today i finally bought some of my own. it occurs to me that i could do the same thing, pretty much, and have these elastics last me for the next two decades of my life, probably.

i’m somewhat aware that i’ve been pretty steadfast in terms of personality, tho i like to believe i’ve mellowed out and just, in general, gotten better at being myself, but i have difficulty remembering who i was in the past. i can remember very specific events but in general it’s fuzzy. i know at one point in high school i had very long hair, until i cut it off- it was blue and i have it in a box somewhere. also when i moved out of state i grew out my hair again, mostly because i was absolutely miserable for many reasons and didn’t do anything but lie in bed. i can’t really remember what my opinion on having long hair was at the time though i can remember that both times i cut it i was relieved to hair short hair again. i liked having short hair, it was always very fun and mostly very easy. but i really like having long hair right now. it feels a lot like something i am doing because i enjoy it rather than like. something i am doing because i like the idea of it. i like how its always kind of sloppy because, well it’s my hair. of course it is. i don’t brush it, except when i comb conditioner thru it in the shower, and i just use my fingers for that. mostly it is easier because i dont have to worry about cutting it. i last got it trimmed in september and i will probably get it trimmed in september again. it’s nice and it fits into the image of me that im enjoying.

which leads me to my next point, i guess. in august i am going on vacation with my family, my mom & stepdad & all four of my siblings, to florida to go to universal. which im looking forward to cause ive never been and i like doing stuff with my family. however. i have a problem (a gemini problem to say the least) where i present a side of myself that i think someone would most want to see, when im with them. with my family, and my mom especially, this is rly about my body... my mom knows what im like as a person, mostly, so it’s not like i would hide that (tho honestly... i hide all sorts of things from everyone for no reason whatsoever, all the time), but im very careful about what i wear when im around her............ specifically she doesnt know that a) i have my septum pierced (very easy to hide anyway) and b) i have a tattoo on my right arm (kind of difficult to hide but i have done it for 2 years for almost no reason.... whatsoever!). also. also. im very hairy- of course she knows this, but, i don’t shave, my legs, my armpits, anything, except my face (cause thats the only part that bothers me... very correlated to my anxiety tho i always forget that). the legs i know she knows about and it doesnt bother me so much cause i dont think she’ll say anything (cause she saw me in shorts last summer & was like ok w/e - thats right i wore a long sleeved shirt to cover my tattoo & shorts around my mother and she didnt say anything at all). mostly im worried about like, other people staring at me (this is such a huge fear with me now idk why). i might take some clippers to my legs to make them like... stubbly rather than a nice forest or w/e. thats fine. i guess the problem here is that, i need to tell my mom about some of these things before we go on vacation so she doesnt get upset about it, on vacation, or i dont try to wear a long sleeved shirt in florida outside doing things. because i will try.

there are so many things that i dont care if people dont like about me, but its so hard when it’s your body because, there isn’t much i can do about it, it’s very personal to have someone uncomfortable with like... you but not you.

like im already gonna be physically uncomfortable cause im fat and im bad at walking and my mom is super athletic & most of my family is very skinny & im very Very bad in the heat. i’d like to not worry about a) ppl looking at me b) my mom being upset about what i look like c) clothes not feeling right!!

itd be nice to have an easy solution for this that didnt involve weird confrontations with my mom. i came out to her in an email bc i can’t stand to see her do emotions at me.

#diary tag

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

Text

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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lookwhatilost · 8 years

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i saw this valentines day ask meme earlier and i wanted to reblog it but i also dnt want people prying on gp and i know nobody will send me anything here bc i have like no followers, so im going to answer it under the cut and if you wanna b #nosy, then you’re at your liberty to do so

also im drunk answering these so theres that

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

lmfao

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

yes, sadly 😪

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

unofficially we were on and off over the course of almost 4 years but officially the longest we were together was only a handful of months... but i generally tell people the unofficial version bc i feel like they’d downplay the significance of it otherwise

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yeah but in the sense that i let good things inside me wither and die when i shouldnt have

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

he’s living with someone else but makes a point of letting me know that he’s still th*rsting over me... it’s rly embarrassing

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

idk for certain but most likely

7: Have you ever cheated?

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

if i was aware, no, but i feel like i’d be totally possible for me to start going out w someone like that without being aware of that reputation beforehand

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

your heads need to b in the same place i think... what with priorities, values, etc. i know some people can happily ignore conflicts like that & jst know to never bring them up but i can’t ever picture myself doing that.

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

i’ve never had a “fling” in my life and i dnt intend to

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

if you need space from someone, then it is what it is, but i dnt think i would ever use the term “break” bc it’s too grey. i’ve seen friends. i know what’s up.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

harry’s the only person ive been with in any capacity

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

a lot but i think i would say, like, letting it go on for as long as it did bc i thought i didn’t have anything else going for me. granted, i didn’t, but sometimes it’s better to be invested in an ex that you aren’t speaking to, than be invested in a relationship that’s dragging you down

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

never tbh sex is dumb as shit

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

fuck no

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

i believe you can instantly recognize that you connect to another person but that’s not, like, love lmfao

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

yeah but i’ve no interest in that

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

in a relationship i dnt think i would interpret anything as an objective deal breaker aside from the Big Shit like cheating etc. but if i was considering dating someone i think the biggest deal breaker would be political differences.

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

i’ll let you know when i figure it out

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

under the right circumstances, sure

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

i would encourage them to. i personally wouldn’t want to get into a romantic relationship that didn’t already have the foundation of a strong platonic one

23: How many relationships have you had?

one

24: Do you think love can last forever?

no but i dnt think there’s anything wrong with that either

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

absolutely not

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

my parents are so out of touch w who i am that their approval or objection carries no weight beyond that so... no

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

all advice is useless. conclusions have no meaning unless you draw them yourself. if i could go back in time, i would kill hitler.

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

yes but personally ive no interest in one

29: What do you notice first about another person?

this is gnna sound dumb but whether they have a threatening vibe to them or not. for context: i work in service

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

i’m bisexual but i dnt see my attraction to men as anything more than begrudging & a nuisance

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

not in principle, but i have a lot of mental illnesses myself, and if i was in a position where my mental disorders and my partner’s were jst endlessly feeding off of one another... yeah that would definitely upset me

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

harry was definitely emotionally abusive to me at times but he was jst stupid tbh and retrospectively i dnt consider it to be abusive. jst, like, it was a very bad dynamic and it coaxed shitty things out of both of us

33: Do you want to get married one day?

not rly

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

i wouldnt

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

easily

36: Are you still a virgin?

i wish

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

personality obvi but physical attraction still needs to be there lmfao

38: Do you enjoy love films?

no they’re bad

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

ive gotten roses twice

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

what even is that

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

i dnt have a specific vision but it would involve day drinking lmfao

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

yeah. 3/10 tbh.

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

it’s a balancing act! ive been guilty of putting my friendships on the back burner in favor of romantic relationships and i dnt want to do that again!

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

not anymore

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

this is a loaded question bc all my friends follow this... if i say yes, it’s awkward. if i say no they’ll be like “well why the fuck not?”

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

have people i liked romantically not returned my feelings? yes. have i gotten all indignant and entitled abt it? i’d like to think not.

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

literally i can’t even think of any

48: What's your favorite love song?

momentarily? knock you down by keri hilson. it’s cute & a throwback

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

doubt it

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

lack of proximity to available people that i’m compatible with, the fact that i have standards

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

poor & nice... no shit sherlock

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

all dating advice is a shout into the void. i dnt bother

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

i think exposure to that kind of stuff hits on a very real insecurity that stems from a rly long pattern of being mistreated in my romantic endeavors, but it’s not jealousy lmfao it’s something much more insidious than that... like i feel like im being taunted for having extremely severe emotional trauma related to that and it’s rly not a can of worms i want to open

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

it’s not like important-important, but suffice to say, i would be suspicious of someone who was vehemently against it

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

i’m trying to learn there’s nothing shameful abt being attached to the people you care abt, so yes & no

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

yeah but i dnt feel particularly bad abt it either

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

when you’re suicidal you dnt care much for what is or isnt silly, let’s be real

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

ideally my relationships dnt have a dynamic like that

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

i have a weird fixation on dates and remember significant ones from, like, 10 years ago. february 9th 2009 was a big one, actually. so no i generally dnt forget dates unless i didnt commit them to memory in the first place

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

stupid

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

my family isnt important to me

62: How do you define "cheating"?

doing anything #physical with someone other than yr partner, or like, carrying out any sort of emotional relationship w someone you aren’t dating (like you’re telling someone else that you love them & wanna get w them or whatever)... some of it is rly cut n dry but other times its very, well, grey

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

i mean it’s not but like... holy shit dude you’re not 15 anymore.

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

who dznt?

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

probably. who knows. i cant believe answering this ate up almost a whole hour

#ask memes

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