#i rly just wanna move out
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My dad is worried bc my youngest brother has a nicotine addiction, my other younger brother doesnt call much and when hes here hes usually in a bad mood and he is not a good student and hes worried abt me bc i dress goth-ish, but i think i am such a non issue that its almost annoying that hes so worried abt me bc if the only crime ive done is dress in all black then i dunno wht to tell u
#.txt#like im a good student#3.4 gpa#im preparing for grad school#ive never rly gotten involved in bad things#i just rly feel like its a bit upsetting how mad he gets at me for dressing the way tht i dress#as if its not the way ive been dressing since middle school#he just is so worried abt me bc im like pls worry abt ur sons#im not gonna be a problem#i keep telling him to trust me#he also is afria dmy dark style will turn me into a bad person#but ive been like this since middle school nd i am not a bad person obvi#idk#im frusterated#i rly just wanna move out
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#red vs blue#rvb#locus#felix#sam ortez#isaac gates#felix mcscouty#lolix#mine#*24#art#rvb19 spoilers#just to be safe ig?#i love how even no one in the mercs discord rly knows what the hell was up with the random felix 'cameo' in restoration lol. we're all just#'idk man. maybe it's charon maybe sigma just used him as a base. who knows.'#its kinda hard to even make it into a merc plot point bc the reason WHY he's even there is non-existent. if epsilon didn't namedrop him#i wouldn't even have noticed tbh. like yeah his armor has felix's colors but that also could've just been sigma/omega mix too y'know#ofc tucker's relationship w/ felix can't be discounted reg. meta and epsilon and betrayal of trust etc. idk maybe i'll expand on this later#like maybe felix is in there bc tucker felt very betrayed by epsilon and felix to tucker is the embodiment of betrayal so meta = felix?#BUT i do like ghost felix haunting shit. even if it's not actually him but like a narrative/traumatic thing#he said you'll never get rid of me what i did to you will always linger <3#i do have some thoughts abt... Everything and the concept of haunting. wash's 'ghosts' and the guilt. meta wanting to destroy epsilon/the#past to be free. resentment of the past. nostalgia for it. the guilt of survival. moving on as a complete severing vs carrying it w/ you.#ok i'll stop rambling now lol#this didnt turn out exactly how i envisioned but i dont wanna work on it anymore and its not bad or anything so
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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like i wouldnt mind like. Not having new linear games post 5 its judt that sims 4 wasnt even supposed to Be The Sims 4 it was a last minute pivot and the base code is so outdated and was broken On launch so like. i just wish we could have the final actual sims game be like. one that was always intented to be a major sims release AND be intended to be so long term . yk
#i dont even want like. Ooh major graphical updates whatever if sims 5 was announced and they looked photorealizstic id hurl i wouldnt play#it#my ideal would ig be sims 4 with a touch more realism style wise. if this makes sense#like its a bittt too cartoony for me but i like the like. Clay hair or whatever SJFNFJ. and i think having it be simple in basegame means#you can customize it easier + itd run better on more pcs#so im fine eith that. i would nottt want it more cartoony#i also like. I understand the sims is like. an all ages game i do sometimes wish that the animations in 4 were a bit toned down#like i dont mind silly goofy wacky stuff i think its fun and like. The sims has always been a bit sillay yk. but the overexaggerated#animations r sometimes like -_-.... to me. but thats personal preference#IDK. the tags that show up when i type idk r so funny. do i ever know anything. sources say no#BUT ya i just rly wish like. if this is what they wanna do i wish theyd give us One more full game give it lots of time and love and rly rly#focus on having it excel at like. being this partnof the sims#since they wanna have like. Other sims games that have online features and multiplayer and everything. they could use that to make sure that#ts5 was Rly solid as a foundation and as like. ykwim..... they could plan updates for the future And dlc or whatever and i just think itd be#a better move than trying to make sims 4 happen#bc i judt dont think With all the updates in the world. sims 4 wont ever be like. what it couldve been. yk. i just dont think you can make#it work without Fullllyyyy just starting over.#and at this point with like..so many modders and stuff and everything and how much dlc there is thatd be impossible Esp if they keep#releasing new stuff which. They will ^_^#idk. im excited for some other lifesim games im keeping my eye out#but i rly do love the sims and i just wish that it could be as good as it could be. It has such a huge budget and team and like. if ea would#stop just trying to make as much money as possible off it i feel like they could make Such an amazing game. not to put down indie gamedevs#at all the games jve been looking at look Incredible like.. yk. but the fact those games are so good eith FAR smaller teams and budgets is#like. imagine what we could have if the sims had that amt of care and time put into it.#but whatever whatever whatever. sorry im just rambling#again ik what i would want from my platonic ideal of a sims game isnt what everyone would eant#but idk. i feel like another good step might be like. making the other sims games more available and updating them so they run better on#modern pcs. but i dont think thatll ever happen DNDNFJFNFN.
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z.....
#........tired....#since mid january i have worked 30-40 hrs a week on ~my project~ been keeping track in~my planner~ but god#exhausted by it..#cus i started it in like november but there was a couple months of obstacles so the grind was inconsistent#been tryna focus extra hard to finally move things along#its just so T_T much T_T work ahh T_T its definitely the most work ive ever put into something before..which also makes me nervous cus#its a hard thing to put something out thats so important to u its a horrifyingly vulnerable move#im sure it will b worth it in the end i just rly wanna finish itttt ahhhh im so screenfried T_____T
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Bit of a spinning demo on the new spindle. The main thing is it doesnt spin for very long, presumably because of the bottom just being a round smooth surface instead of a point now. However, it feels like it handles really nicely.
#featuring my messy floor and bit of brian eno#spinning#handspun yarn#supported spindle#still working on the bactrian camel hair blend#rly nice to spin btw. like... i kinda just wanna spin this for socks#took a better video where i dont drop the spindle like 5 times lol#its hard bc if i look at the camera to make sure its in frame i mess up spinning and totally lose track of where my hands are#and if i watch my hands like normal the camera moves out of frame
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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maybe.... if writing is agonizing horrible ruining and seemingly impossible....... its because something is Wrong
#met w my supervisor after spending literally all of thursday working on my chapter and only coming out w three pages that i didnt rly like#we tweaked my argument a little and today ive written ten pages with NONE agonies#that charles bukowski poem 'so you want to be a writer' might be on to something.....#i think this probably applies to like. non thesis writing too#like if you're trying to write a scene and you cant figure it out and it makes you wanna kill yourself every time you try#maybe you just need to shift the premise a lil#move some bits around. try a totally different approach. u might surprise yourself#thesisposting#writing#molly speaks
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okay so!!! technically i have a halloween [bonten!mikey] piece in the works, however due to unforeseen circumstances (said unforeseen circumstances being that this piece has grown completely out of control and is now much larger than it was ever intended to be) it will not be ready for halloween day :(( but i’m still gonna post it, even if it’s a few days late!! <3
#just a lil update!!!#i’ve been working on this piece ALL DAY and i’m so upset it’s still not done but alas#it is what it is#anyway that’s where i’ve been today#also both my boyfriends parents have covid#AND today is the one year anniversary of my father being admitted to the hospital and never coming back out#so#there’s that as well HAHA#it’s been a weird day ._.#but moving on!#i love this piece so much and i really don’t wanna rush it and ruin it#i also tend to get rly in my head when i write mikey since he’s so special to me#which is why i only have like ONE finished mikey piece ugh#the struggles of a perfectionist#this has been clari with the updates
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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ohhh fml i was like maybe i cn stya up a bit late after all its weekend tomorrow. no it fucking isnt today was thursday i have work tmrw everything is evil always
#gonna get ready 4 bed ig.. i wanna try n wake up at ermm 545 bc ive been sleeping in far too much and ive barely been brushing my teeth in#the mornings ive mostly just been doing mouthwash#aughhh idk why my body is being so dire today my thighs r doing the incredibly weak and fatigued thing again. i feel like that tweet thats#like im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idc abt that rn but its i probably have some undiagnosed physical disorders but i live in a#garage so idc abt that rn#idk. its been going on for a couple years but its been getting worse to the point i can barely move my legs when it happens#that and then my limbs have been falling asleep very quickly even when theres nothing thyat would like. im not laying on them or anything#ill just be walking or something arms at my sides and one or both will get rly bad pins and needles#and it rly sucks and is weird. but again i live in a fucking garage so it is fr the least of my worries#like rn at my computer typing my arm isnt resting on anything or having any pressure put on it and my hand is falling asleep. UGH#it has been happening a ton with my hands i get this weirxd sensation in my wrist/palm zone that like. idk#its weird and i should prolly get it checked out but i dont have a dr rn and like. worst case scenario i chop my arms off and either surviv#and have a good story or i die and dont have to go to work anymore. so
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it’s supposed to snow and be gross all day tomorrow but i wanna go to the gym and thrift and go for a walk😭 i have a little bit of school work to catch up on and i wanna revise my notes for a test that’s coming up at the end of the month. but i wanna go outside first omg
#text#my sister bought a folding treadmill and i wanna see if she’ll let me use it if it’s too gross to go out tomorrow#but fr i haven’t been OUT of my house (aside from work) in almost a month. and im feeling it#if i get certified after this class. i could work remotely. and i WANT to but i also can’t be here all day#i’d be making more so i could afford to rent somewhere. renting in south jersey is fucking insane rn and i wouldn’t be able to afford it..#i don’t wanna necessarily move FAR away from home but i can’t afford anything at all in nj. and i don’t rly wanna live in philly#so i’ve been looking around in pa + delaware but if im moving kinda far away why not just move a couple states away where its a little less#expensive 😭#and ik once i move out ill want to try taking dating a little more seriously#the most realistic future: i wfh and continue to pay off student loans before moving out. and i feel insane and i have no privacy#and my anxiety doesn’t get that much better bc my house is chaotic + i don’t LEAVE for work and i don’t go out#my parents aren’t like. expecting me to move out anytime soon but i can’t stand living with three dogs. it’s so overwhelming all the time#i should save my money and not move out. but omg
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i hate leases!!! i want to move on a whim!!!! i hate rental background checks!!!! i hate landlords!!!!!!!! i hate airbnb for making appartments so expensive!!
#hi i wanna move n cut out everyone in my life n also change my entire personality and look again#im so sick of everyoneeee#okay not everyone there's like 3 ppl in my life i can stand giving energy to rn#i should be able to bounce around#town to town#job to job#always finding new things n new friends#i wanna embrace the temporary#bc that's all i fuckin knowwwwwww#dont keep me grounded i cant stand it#hi im rly dramatic tn lol i should just b screaming this into a pillow
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#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it#this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs#For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse#I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys#My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks#haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho#been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine#ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage#time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life#but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things#I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed#The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird#Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years#I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving#self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl#I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now#Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be#A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it#turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is#shits literally fine#Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs#Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink#Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life#I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person#The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain#I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually#just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions#anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try#thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself
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There is just water in my overhead light now. This is not a two toned light shade.
#speculation nation#im finally getting up. im gonna shower and then go to bed#one part of my ceiling is still leaking. i have a pot under it.#my flooor is still weeet. and i still have yet to actually deal with my cheek scratch. ahaha#aw damn i just remembered the pot and towel in my. bath tub.#im just gonna move them out of there. i dont care. im tired and i wanna sleep.#hair washing day delayed to tomorrow. i dont rly give a shit
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