#ive very obviously been mentally ill my whole like

[icarusredwings]

Rewatched Deadpool 1. Took notes.

WARNING: Discussion of mental illness topics, ending yourself, trauma, violence, etc.

Civil debate/ conversation welcomed. Sorry its super long. I think a lot.

Notes:

You know what? We see Wade coloring a lot. What's our status on just giving him cartoons snacks and coloring books? He needs it.

I think we all forget how actually impressive this man is. I just watched this cancer having fucker do like 50 flips.

Whatta man is so Logan Howlett coded.

"Bad deadpool" "good deadpool!"

Deadpool has been helping kids for a while. He terrified a little creep while he himself was a huge creep.

Missed up his words and Vanessa smiled at him. With that "aw hes cute" kinda thing.

When talking about their childhood (whether he's lying or not, hes not about the uncle) and he outdos her so much that she giggles.

The first date he takes her ducking skiiballing instead of yk prostitute stuff

Hes so romantic oh my god.

Theyre giggling and joking like all the time. Personally thanksgiving is my favorite scene before he proposes with a fucking ring pop.

I shouldn't laugh but the way he said "wtf" when passing out

Vanessa instantly jumping to "what can we do? There has to be something" makes me instantly respect her as a chronically ill person myself. Partners who medically defend each other make me so happy because a lot of people divorce their partners when they get "too sick" let alone dont show up to specialist appointments.

Him accepting death so quickly is a sign of mental illness, and you can see him be confused on why shes so upset. Shes crying and hes sitting here like "why do you care if I die or not?" He physically feels so unloved that he just doesn't get it.

"I dont know. Might further the plot. " Oh, so you know about wades little mental tv show he puts on in his head as a coping mechanism?

Also... Weasel.. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS A WEASEL!? Shit sorry wrong movie.

Its not until now that hes crying because he realizes if he does then no more vanessa. We already know hes very co dependent and many people only care about themselves BECAUSE of other people. Which is also considered a sign of wanting to ☠️ self.

The whole "superheros are all lame ass teachers pets" thing is so funny if you think about how much beef he has with the xmen when in reality I have a feeling Wade would love charles in a "Ugh im in trouble with Daddy wheel chair again." COUGH "old bald heavens gate looking mother fucker" COUGH

"Thats not nice" No. But wade is genuienly not nice either.

"This is embarrassing. Please stop, " Colosus said what we all were thinking.

Bro literally cut/broke off his own hand and didn't whine a single time. If you ever. EVER hear this man express pain it is 99.9% his own choice to let you know that it hurts.

During his changing process, Francis says "the only thing that doesn't survive is a sense of humor" wade says "we'll see about that" and smirks.

What also makes sense to me is that he did NOT break easily. They did test after test after test and this man still wasn't breaking. His spirit is incredibly strong and as much as we enjoy joking about how stupid he is, Wade is extremely resourceful.

Its like he has created an alter ego of humor and kindess in order to keep up with the fact he DOES understand how fucked up this world is and whats happening/happened around him but refuses to acknowledge it until he has too. Ussually for survival.

Ive seen theories that he has DID or a type of Scizophreania and the voices in the comics are obviously in his head. I have mixed feelings about it because even his thoughts have thoughts of their own in some cases. Talking to no one is often a sign of abadonment, esspecially in children who are school age and get lonely when taken from their families to attend school. Its almost as if wade never lost his and hes subconsiously talking to himself to keep himself calm/ from panicking in high stress situations.

"But then how does he know hes in a movie" thats the thing. He doesn't. Hes pretending to cope. Main charaters cant die and until he dies he has this mental show/movie going on to keep himself from realizing all of this is true. That this is reality.

Cunningham mentions breakfast for his kids and suddenly, wade wakes up. Hes not joking anymore. This is a "oh shit... I wanna make breaktsst for my kids too... with my wife vanessa" moment.

"So whats wrong with him?"

Diiiiiddd we all forget about scout master kevin? Uncle? Dad? That fact that the oxygen was physically taken from his brain and was given Co2 poisoning over and over? For multiple days? This is the same man who blew himself up just to escape because they told him he wasnt going to see vanessa again.

And then he fought a guy naked, survived the entire building burning down, and now is so insecure about his looks that he thinks he made the baby cry in the street.

Theres people staring at him, flinching away, called names, people see him and cross the street. (So when he tells Logan that he knows his pain when it comes to public settings, hes not lying)

Blind Al is literally the reason deadpools suit is what it is. Why the idiot thought white was gonna be a good idea- See above. Unlike Al, who could smell the blood/ bleach.

I really love al. She's like the adult Toph.

"I hear everything in this duplex." OH, you poor thing.

"The guy that turned me into this freak-"

Al: *bitch im blind face*

As far as she's aware, he looks normal. Which is beautiful when you think about it, but it's funny when you think about the fact that he's so insecure about his face that he purposly found a blind room mate that couldn't judge him.

And they cuddle while he gets dating advice from grammie 🥹❤️

I really like how the entirety of Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Children (HellHouse in the comics) stood up for Weasel. They're murderers. But they're family.

What they did to vanessa was straight fucked. Her fiance up and leaves without notice, youre just trying to work and live your life, you get kidnapped.

Negasonic is so cool. I love them.

Dopinder (The cab guy) is so cool too. I love him too. Kill that guy in your trunk. "Mr. Pool" reminds me of Tom holland spiderman.

"It is not boy band >:(" Suurreee it isn't.

"Wheres your duffle bag?" You mean his dollar general store tree hello kitty book bag filled with guns?

"Cue the music" *no one even gives a fuck at this point when he talks to the imaginary cams*

Negasonic mid battle: Hold on- "Hey Yukio, yeah I just gotta fuck shit up real quick, ttyl?"

"Sure thing! <3 You go baby!"

I dont know anything about negasonic but she reminds me of Gambit with her energy powers.

Like I said. Hes smart when its a serious situation because he immediately threw his katana into the glass so vanessa could breathe, only to immediately turn sappy and childish again when he sees her stab francis with it. Heart hands, is hallucinating because theres a knife in his brain (literally), sex joke. Etc.

Colossus shut the fuck up. Let this man kill him. He's hurt Soooooo many people. A bullet costs less then a dollar. His amount of therapy alone is going to be like *checks calculations* 80 billion.

"Not the nethers" Wade can and often does show proof of hurting but hed rather cut off his hand then let vanessa punch him in the balls. "Ow- owie 5000"

Hello Hugh Jackman.

After not seeing each other for so longer they instantly go back to the fibbing. "I live in the house with 12"

"You live in a house??" Funny guys get the girls. I should know. My wife says im super funny (yes im in therapy)

Pinky promises really matter to him.

Hes such a silly billy he brought out the phone with their song on it. God what a romantic idiot.

[fairycosmos]

sorry for the #UKthings rant but ive gone private for mental health stuff but are trying to get my foot in the door with public stuff because i cant afford mental health over stuff like, having food to eat, but ohhhh my god. nhs please. next week will be week five of an eight week deal (maybe some kind of assessment? i'm not sure what the exact point is) where i have a meeting with a mental health nurse and there is nothing more demoralizing on my journey to more stable mental health than hearing from her that all it seems i do is push people away and reject help. i'm sorry that saying that i dont think downloading an app is going to help me!! especially since i've already got one that i have been using. lol. i've tried to determine what it is she can actually do to help me because i feel like this whole thing is wasting both of our times but all i really get is "well i'm a mental health nurse not a psychiatrist so i can't help with that" OKAY !!!!! what CAN you do!!!! god. god . chloe do you know what a mental health nurse's role is? do any of your followers know??? how am i meant to work with her best rn i really dont know...

omg no honestly i could go on about this FOREVER!!!! but for ur sanity i won't. i'm so so sorry they're messing you around like this when it comes to something as serious as your health - i've had very similiar experiences and honestly at this point i see our healthcare system as nothing but a cardboard charade rather than a system that seeks to provide genuine support to people but that's a whole other thing. i'm on like a million waiting lists for various different things and i think if i do end up getting through to someone it is very much going to mirror your experience i.e dull platitudes and empty promises. they expect you to download a mediation app and get over severe mental illness and the fact that you're struggling with that is truly reflective of them and the state of the country - not you or your ability to heal/get over things/whatever other bullshit expectation they force onto us. i haven't worked with a mental health nurse since i was like 17 for this exact reason like they do not offer the consistent, in-depth and intensive help a lot of us need and their answer to everything is to try yoga or drink more water and it's like, how are you even SUPPOSED to work with that?? one thing i will say is that venting to these people and just letting that be their position in your life - to let you get off some steam - is somewhat helpful but obviously doesn't confront the underlying issues. through this she may come to understand that you showing up to these frustrating sessions and talking IS you trying, is proof of you not "rejecting help." it's wild she would even imply that honestly. i genuinely hope you find a treatment plan that actually does delve into why you feel this way and what you can proactively do about it - which you do deserve, but i know it's not super realistic to think that the nhs in its current state is going to provide you with. it sucks and it feels so fucking hopeless, i've never even entertained the idea of getting serious help for yrs because of this and i totally get it. if you need a friend or someone to talk to about this, please don't hesitate to send me a message fr. i feel like we're in super similar positions rn and it truly is its own type of hell. x

[thatonecode]

what car seat headrest songs would you recommend? :D

OH YOURE GONNA REGRET ASKING ME THIS !!!!! OHHHHH !!!!!!

im putting a read more link here because this got . exactly as long as i thought it would

okay well obviously to start with i'd recommend "Beach Life-In-Death" from the album "Twin Fantasy" (2018 version not 2011 . i like both versions but the 2018 is better production quality) . this is like . starter pack car seat headrest this song will change your entire fucking life . no dont go look at how long it is . its fine dont worry about it . this was the song that got me into csh its the song ive chosen to be my top song of the year ive listened to it 3 times everyday since the start of the year without missing any times . its a really fucking good song

actually ! that whole album is like . mindblowingly life changingly good and it literally ruined my entire life for . well i havent actually recovered ! months !!! twin fantasy is an album about falling in love with a fictionalized version of a person and watching the relationship crumble . its like . devastating i can't recommend it enough . if youre only going to listen to 3 songs off the album my person favs are "Beach Life-In-Death" (as mentioned), "Nervous Young Inhumans" and "Famous Prophets (Stars)" . also . throw "Sober to Death" in there as well just for fun as a bonus .

Teens of Denial is also a fantastic album i EXTREMELY recommend listening to "Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales" and "the Ballad of the Costa Concordia" . again . lives were changed . "Cosmic Hero", "1937 State Park" and "Fill in the Blank" also periodically live in my mind rent fucking free but yknow . i cant exactly recommend the entire album (EXCEPT I CAN !!! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THE WHOLE ALBUM !!!!!!)

moving away from album recs my personal favs recently have been "Crows - Rest In Bigger Pieces Mix" from the album "Nervous Young Man" . what if for just one night you turned into an animal yknow ??? its really good . and the other one is "The Ending of Dramamine" from the album "How to Leave Town" because ive been really Feeling the effects of my mental illness recently . "There Must Be More Than Blood" from "Making a Door Less Open" is also a very good song and SUPER easy to blorbo-ify if i do say so myself . "Over Exposed (Enjoy)" from "Monomania" is also . well . and somewhere down the line you'll look back/and say you did the best that you could and you'll be wrong/you're always wrong . so . theres that

confession i havent listened to their entire discography yet ive listened to twin fantasy, teens of denial, and MaDLO . i think monomania is next on my to listen to list .

some final general pointers if youre new to csh id recommend looking up the lyrics on your first listen through anything because will toledo hates enunciating like its personally wronged him . i recommend listening to twin fantasy alone in your room with all the lights off for peak effect (depression) . a general reminder csh is fucking Awful and i hate it and everytime i listen to it i go i cant believe i enjoy this and that its changed my life . this sounds awful . vast majority of csh songs are over 5 minutes and normally the REALLY good ones are 10+ minutes . you get used to it .

ALSO ! heres an incomplete google doc of my favourite lyics that im slowly updating as i come across them

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK !!! feel entirely free to send me either more asks with any thoughts on any songs or just dm me !!!! i love music so much i would deeply deeply love to talk about music any time :]

[mostspecialgirl]

i dont think i can do “artist spaces” anymore because i’m really stupid. - ramble post with no point or central focus aside from making myself feel less weird

like…. i’m stupid. and i like it! But every artist i meet is like some kind of super genius and irs kind of nuts, everyone’s got such vision and intelligence and honed skill and all these interesting things about their lives and practice away from the arts and i’m some kind of inert orb who doesn't have much soul in her work aside from "isnt this cool like a animes" or "this is how im feeling". at least when it comes to Drawinf a Pitures.

i can deal with spaces where everyone’s just hanging out and Some People Happen to be Artists but spaces primarily composed of people steeped in the arts actually remind me that i'm a socially inept cavewoman who barely knows how to use the microwave. sufficiently talented artists ('sufficient' referring to people who have labelled themself an artist and have been online for more than 2 years) who i end up talking to online are 80% of the time some kind of Art Student Med Student Math Prodigy or Mentally Ill Genius Socially Inept Outsider Artist with insane Honed Unique Skill and when you apply that 80% to a whole lump of people in a GC or a Discord Server where the other 20% don't really talk there it gets real mentally exhausting as someone generally quite unimpressive and classically unskilled.

i dunno. I just kind of find it interesting that people with such talent, skill, wit, and (as ive repeated endlessly) intelligence are always drawn to the arts. a lot of my friends ive made who are very smart people ive learned 3 years into the friendship they used to do painting studies and are some kind of closet picasso while ive been showing them my meager collection of shale and sediment. is the pursuit of the artistic a mark of something deeper? what must one’s character lack to not seek creative self expression? what separates a creator from a consumer, and the blind from the perceptive? is creating art for the simple purpose of “cool and fun” shallow? does that answer change with ones talent? what is shallow art? is there truly such a thing?

cough

anyway. i’m just kind of a dumb baby, and it makes me sad that i never really feel like i can talk about art with most people because i don’t know anything. i’m not looking for construction or anything, i just want to be able to say “isn’t making something fun” without being reminded of my own inadequacies. i feel like art shouldn’t have to be this “smart” thing, and it isn’t, but art itself draws in the smart, and so like in many other spaces i feel a bit outcasted. obviously the solution here is to talk to MINORS from TIKTOK (gets cancelled)

but i really dunno. i feel stupid a lot these days and i feel like there aren’t any spaces that fit me, even when on paper these should be the spaces i should be in. even off the paper, anywhere i go i can’t help but feel like a bit of a bump on a log. like an erroneously flipped bit. i’m the stray ray from the sun beamed into the nintendo 64. that’s how i feel among other people, no matter who i’m with. it’s strange, because i really do like myself. i’ve passed a lot of the self deprecation and self doubt that used to chain me, and is it strange to say i believed casting those aside would help me find a bit more belonging among other people?

it hasn’t! life’s the same! maybe worse? i’m not self actualized or anything, but i think i’ve really grown as a person, so it’s sort of sucky that i fit better in place as a problem child. well i suppose as the Old Ones spoke, every group needs The Rick Friend. meeting people is hard. wanting to stay among people i’ve met is even harder. i like to blame a lot of it on the Modern Internet and the sheer amount of how many people have invaded my once cozy corners. with The Net these days being less of a space for Niche Freaks and instead being Grandma And Your Little Cousin Just Saw You Post Your Wiener On Instagram i’d think it’s only natural i’m running into less likeminded people. but i dunno. i feel like some of it’s my fault. i’m a weird little giblet of a girl, aren’t i? and man do i EVER hate people. I’m a big hater.

everybody i meet these days just makes me drool because everyone’s some kind of Valorant Edater or Reddit Object Show Minor or The Hypersexual or Someone I’m Too Intimidated By or Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Talking To Me. where’s Literally Anything Else. Everyone i meet these days fits into those categories. Give me anything else. What is wrong with my Spaces

i really don’t know how people make friends online these days. i’m always posting these days about Haha I Need Friends and Haha I Need A Wife that falls endlessly into the empty infinite void (much like now) for a reason. no matter where i seem to go, i walk dragging my feet, half-lidded and unengaged with a soft scowl on my face. i’ll figure it out, right? i’ll certainly make new friends, right? because i have to, right?

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow dude

[akirameta84]

idk when or if ill finish this and ive had a habit of sharing my unfinished wip fics lately so heres the sequel to the werewolf au oneshot i wrote (and that i also shared the first part of months before i finished and posted it to ao3 lol)

id say its a bit under halfway done? idk. it follows directly after the last oneshot and may be confusing without it. and its an unfinished fic so you wont be missing anything if you just wait for it to eventually be finished and published (even if it might be a year rip)

but yeah. this is the first half or so wip of "Howling Harassment" sequel to the kubosai werewolf oneshot "Lycanthropic Liasons"

has not been edited or proofread obviously cause its not even done

its 5.3k words, and warning for vomiting mentions. if you want to skip the mini scene where kusuo is sick (he doesnt puke in the scene but talks about having done so) ive bolded the start and end of it. you wont be missing any plot details with it, but this wip preview does end shortly after it with just a paragraph so if you plan to skip that scene you can just stop reading at the first bolded part and be fine

enjoy i guess

also my italics didnt copy over so :shrug: place them where you think they go

Kusuo had been enjoying a very nice nap, relaxing peacefully and soaking in some warm sunshine, when the feeling of something wet dripping onto him slowly roused him from his slumber.

He blearily opened one eye but then immediately snapped both open when he caught sight of the tan wolf, shockingly with a normal looking chin, leaning over him and drooling all over his face. Recoiling and lurching to his paws in the same beat, he stumbled a good few meters away from Nendou, standing tensely in the grass.

They were right outside the makeshift and, honestly, poorly constructed hideout of Kaidou and Aren’s, and Kusuo had thought that if he took a nap outside he could both enjoy the sun on his fur and separate himself from Nendou, since the idiot would likely be enthralled by Kaidou and Aren attempting to play card games with paws.

Apparently Kusuo had been very very wrong. He sat down hard into the dirt and reached a back leg to scratch painfully at his head, like it would help get all the saliva off of him even though he knew it wouldn’t.

Nendou had been staring at him the whole time until a deep bark from the hideout entrance sounded, calling his attention. Aren’s deep purple and very furry but scarred head stuck out from the door made of blankets and glared at Nendou, having heard Kusuo’s mental distress. Nendou whimpered but strutted over to the entrance and headed inside.

In regards to the werewolf telepathy, since they were unsure if Nendou could hear them, attempting verbal communication without the ability to speak words was necessary to try and talk to the idiot who had also found himself lycanthropic by unknown means. At least they knew where he was now and Kusuo could fix any problems his disappearance has started to cause.

Kusuo was slightly worried as well that, due to the fact that he was missing all of the last week, Nendou couldn’t turn back like Kaidou and Aren had at first. Kusuo had been able to teach them by just instructing them through how he usually activated his shape-shifting, and it had thankfully done the trick.

He was still hoping that Nendou could hear their trains of thought even if they were blocked from his. He’d shown no signs of it, but this was Nendou. He could be hearing everything and not give a single clue.

Either way, it was still absolutely bizarre to have someone (Or up to three someones) reading his mind for a change, even if the fact that he didn’t have to bother with proper communication as much was pleasant.

‘It’s still bizarre to me that you’ve heard all of our thoughts up to now from when you met us, Kusuo.’

Yeah. That was fair. Kusuo lifted his head and gazed at the darkening sky that was many shades of orange and pink as the sun gradually lowered into the horizon. It was rather pretty and almost soothing to stare at. It’d been decently bright and blue when he’d gone to sleep, so he’d gotten a good few hours in.

That was good. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep once he went back home and dealt with what would be waiting for him. There was no way his brother had already gone from England to Japan in under twelve hours, even if their mom calling about limiter issues was fairly serious, but he’d still get harassed via television video call from his brother and either wait in dread for his brother to fly over or just teleport himself and get it over with.

Both sucked.

‘I think you’re over reacting. Surely your brother didn’t literally create something that turns people into werewolves. That sounds impossible. To be fair, so does being born an esper, but still.’

‘…B-but how else did it get…created?’

Kaidou was very bad at hiding his excitement at the concept of a mad scientist making something like lycanthropy, even if he posed his question as.

And also how he wondered if Kusuo’s brother could make him into a vampire instead, because when he watched a movie series called- ‘Hey stop stop sto-’

Kusuo snorted but obliged and cut that train of thought off, standing up and padding over to the hideout entrance.

Regardless, the answer was very much no to Kaidou, there really was no other potential source, and yes to Aren. Kuusuke was most certainly behind this and Kusuo was either going to make him fix it or commit fratricide.

‘…Can you…m-maybe-’

‘If he makes a cure I’m not letting you stay like this, Kaidou.’

Kusuo arrived at the blanket covering and stepped inside right on cue to see Kaidou’s best attempt at a canine frown and puppy eyes…the latter of which was quite a lot more effective in a literal dog form than it normally was for the boy seated on a pillow in the very corner of the hideout, front paws splayed over a bunch of cards on the carpeted ground in front of him.

He looked away before the eyes could take effect. He was getting far too soft and was not about to consider willingly keeping one of his friends a goddamn werewolf when he could reverse it.

When. Not if. Kusuo kept making sure he left no room for doubt in his mind. That way it would be easier to kill Kuusuke if he failed to make a totally guaranteed cure.

Aren was padding back over to the light blue wolf, a sulking Nendou in tow, and though Kusuo’s thoughts had already spelled out for the two of them that he was about to go home and get the confrontation or whatever over with, he still had one more pressing issue to attempt to solve beforehand.

‘Nendou,’ He projected outwards, staring at him as if it would help get his message across, taking a few more steps on the frankly uncomfortably textured carpet.

To his slight shock, the tan wolf spun his head around so quickly he feared Nendou would break his neck (A familiar sight, Nendou did that far too much, even if it had less of an impact without the…mildly disturbing human face), tongue lolling out of his mouth as he watched Kusuo expectantly.

Aren and Kaidou looked up, intrigued, their minds similarly surprised that Nendou could hear their minds just fine.

…Could he? There was a chance that had been Kusuo’s own inherent telepathy as it was hard to tell the two versions apart, unlike the ease at which he could separate the lycanthropic ability and his own shape-shifting.

If it was his own and the idiot couldn’t hear Kaidou or Aren that wasn’t that much of an issue. Kusuo was the one who needed to help him turn back, after all.

(Considering the fact that Nendou didn’t visibly react to any of Kusuo’s ambient thoughts about that, actually, Nendou was not connected to the werewolf telepathy. He can only hear projected thoughts from Kusuo’s. Kaidou seemed utterly fascinated by that, while Aren was just mildly annoyed at how it was so complicated. Kusuo was in agreement with his boyfriend, and not just because of that status).

Nendou’s head tilted after the good few moments of staring, and Kusuo realized he should probably elaborate on why he got his attention before he was licked or pounced on again.

‘Do you want me to show you how to turn back tomorrow?’

He almost offered to do it right now but remembered, bitterly, that they were all stuck like this for a good while longer thanks to the moon cycle.

To his surprise, Nendou responded by shaking his head no, slobber flailing from his tongue as he did so. He heard Kaidou yelp as a drop landing in his eye, according to his thoughts.

That was…not the expected or desired answer at all. Kusuo wished he could just ask why straight up, but he would just go through the options instead.

Aren had sat down facing the two of them, even though Nendou was still turned away from Kusuo and looking back with his head, face far too amused to be anything but smug.

‘I bet he’s going to already know how to-’

‘You’re jumping ahead in the narrative, shut up.’

‘…I’m what?’

Kusuo firmly decided to ignore him. Kaidou could probably use some help putting all the playing cards away, he not so subtly thought of but didn’t directly project as he looked over and saw the small wolf in question pushing around the cards with his paws to try and get them all in a small stack again.

Aren just rolled his eyes but turned away to assist, and Kusuo gave his attention back to the ever still and rapt Nendou.

Seriously, he kind of wished that Nendou had lost interest in their one-sided conversation during the decently sized breaks in it. That would be less creepy.

‘Are you saying no because you already know how?’ He asked next, using purely his own deductive reasoning and nothing else.

‘You are really something special, babe.’

Kusuo shifted in place, annoyed, as Nendou nodded. There was no bothering with asking why the fuck he had stayed like this a week when there wouldn’t be a reply. He just huffed out a breath of air and asked one last question.

‘Will you please turn back and be human again by tomorrow?’

Nendou unflinchingly nodded at the downright angry tone of Kusuo’s, finally spinning around fulling and raising a front paw up, curling it and uncurling it awkwardly.

Was that supposed to be a thumbs up? Probably. He could only guess that it was because the idiot tended to give so many of those normally.

Kusuo nodded to himself and walked away, putting as much space between him and Nendou as he could in the small hideout, ending up next to the other two slightly less idiotic wolves.

‘Slightly!? It’s more than just slightly!’

Aren just chortled.

‘Do you want help getting home before I go, Kaidou? I can teleport you and then make your family perceive you as human if they happen to see you before you’re able to change back. And, of course, make your disappearance today nonexistent.’

There was a worrying hesitation before Kaidou replied, his snout twisting awkwardly as if he were trying to bite at his lip, and he paused in gently nudging a few cards to the side and merging them with the growing stack. Kusuo used his telekinesis to grab them all and order them neatly into a stack, floating them straight into the box.

Kaidou blinked at him, startled but grateful, but refocused his mind quickly.

‘A-actually I want to. Uh…t-tell them. I don’t want to hide it forever and it would just be…easier. To tell them.’

Huh. Kusuo had heard Kaidou’s mind dance on that possibility, but it had been thought about so little that he hadn’t expected the boy to actually decide on that course of action in the end.

‘…I hope it goes well, then. Do you still want help getting home right now or will you wait?’

‘I’ll w-wait with Aren. Get some nerves out. And go home when we’re back.’

‘Very well.’

Kaidou and Aren had taken to keeping spare clothes in the hideout, so that plan would work just fine for them. Kusuo had no need, he could just teleport freely around those two since his secret wasn’t secret between them. And, in all honesty…it felt nice to have have a friend closer than Aiura or Toritsuka know, as well as someone even closer but not family.

But for now he also was definitely not telling any other friends. Not until he was ready to actually do it on his own terms for once.

Kusuo turned around and walked towards the exit of the hideout despite not needing to in order to head home, but it somehow felt more polite to leave this way and then teleport.

‘I’ll see you guys tomorrow, then.’

Kaidou and Aren seemed baffled that he’d said farewell which was rather fair since he never gave those or said hello much at all, but responded in kind themselves.

Before he could make it all the way out, though, footsteps sprinted towards him, and he didn’t have much time to react before Aren shoved his face against Kusuo’s, rubbing them together like he was a cat instead of a wolf.

Aren’s expression was far too innocent afterwards as he drew back and somehow grinned, and Kusuo rolled his eyes and turned away, keeping his body but most importantly his stupid tail with a mind of its own still as warmth bloomed in his chest, grateful his face couldn’t flush like this.

He continued walking moments after, only not doing something to be polite and reciprocate because he needed to leave and not because the prospect of doing so like this was embarrassing.

He briefly wanted to strangle Aren when he heard his mental chuckle at his denial.

As soon as he had fully crossed through the blanketed doorway, tail and all, Kusuo gathered his energy and teleported to his bedroom, a location so familiar he didn’t even need to conjure the image in his head to travel to it.

And, as soon as all four of his legs landed on his bedroom floor, his television turned on and his brother’s ugly face filled the screen, telepathy canceler adorning his long blonde hair, some of it covering his left eye and the rest of it in a ponytail, despite Kusuo being nowhere close enough to read his mind. He bared his teeth at the image and intentionally raised his hackles.

It took less than a second of being home for his brother to make an entrance.

Fifty six milliseconds, to be precise.

Kuusuke sniffled, feigning sadness as his tinny voice sounded through the speakers, “I can’t believe my own baby brother is so angry at me paying him a pseudo visit. How upsetting, after mom called me so worried about you and everything…”

Kusuo just sat on his floor and glared at the television, making eye contact not with Kuusuke’s image, but with the camera perched very visibly on top of the television.

His brother knew he’d be slaughtered if he had cameras permanently installed in Kusuo’s or their parent’s bedrooms. But he’d been barely spared when he added one to his TV that only activated when he was video calling, and the living and dining rooms got actual full-time cameras.

“Hmph, no response? Not even a rude comment?” His brother paused purposefully and smugly, “Oh, wait, you can’t respond! Without your telepathy, since even with my lovely canceler I’m still far out of range, you can’t speak like that.”

A teasing glint entered his brother’s visible eye as Kusuo continued to glare, unimpressed, “Or can you? Come on, can you speak, Kusuo? Speak? Like a good dog?”

He had to put physical effort into swallowing his growl, because that would have almost given Kuusuke exactly what he wanted. His bedroom sat in silence as they had an impromptu, or really, with his brother, expected competition to see who’s resolve gave first.

Kuusuke didn’t bother to try very hard, giving up with a shrug quickly because as much as he liked to make fun of his brother and attempt to win at every little thing, proper competition or not, they shared the same trait of impatience.

Kusuo’s patience was better overall, though. It had to be, growing up with his powers and all.

“I will say, it is a lot harder to decipher what you want to say like this. I’ve mastered your blank human expression, obviously, but I am very much not a canine person. Maybe I should have made werecats instead…”

Kusuo didn’t even bother to hide his growl that time, narrowing his eyes and translating his words clearly enough that his brother was easily able to garner the meaning when given more information than an empty glare.

“Oh? Am I responsible for you and your friend’s predicament? Obviously. To be completely truthful, though, you were never supposed to find out, and you were especially not supposed get infected yourself.”

Kusuo tilted his head to the side, keeping his eyes narrowed to hopefully keep his skepticism clear.

His brother laughed at first, “Aw, you look adorable like that. It barely looks like you’re angry,” Kusuo snapped his head back up instantly, “But no, I am not lying. That’s why I kidnapped and gave the virus to your brainless friend initially, so you wouldn’t hear any thoughts about it.”

Kuusuke paused to wave a hand dismissively at the question Kusuo didn’t even try to ask, anticipating the obvious.

“I never left London and your friend never left Japan, either. I had robots kidnap and inject him with the serum I had mailed to a private lab I own in the area beforehand. It was easier and I had no risk of getting infected myself. What I failed to realize is that your little pet idiot could break out of a room made of solid steel walls and take off the tracking collar in the process.”

The screen briefly flickered to an image of, presumably, the room Nendou had been held in. There was a large hole in one of the gray, metal walls, opening straight into the outside, and the image barely lasted a few seconds before his brother was back in view.

Ah. Kusuo didn’t think that was possible either, but this was Nendou they were talking about, who has done countless other inhuman feats like his stunt in the school marathon. If Kusuo didn’t know any better, he’d say that Nendou also had psychic abilities.

“Anyways, I’m sure you’re wanting my help with this…issue of yours?” Kuusuke questioned, not leaving room for Kusuo to respond before continuing.

Not that Kusuo would have replied anyways, but the implications were still rude.

“Why don’t you teleport over here right away and let me have a look? I have to admit, much to my shame… I have no way of making a cure without seeing the biological structure of the transformed state first. Otherwise I might be reverting things that are actually a part of your human body.”

That was the biggest pile of bullshit Kusuo had ever heard, and his eye roll only conveyed a tiny fraction of how pissed he was.

“Ah, you’re too smart for that, huh, Kusuo? Yeah, I actually don’t know if I can revert the lycanthropy at all, haha! I never planned to in the first place.”

…Sometimes, the truth hurt significantly more than the lie he had tried to get fed. Kusuo sighed, quite displeased, and stood with a stretch, walking right past his television and heading for the door of his bedroom, which he swung open telekinetically.

He couldn’t see his brother anymore, but he could, unfortunately, still hear him, “Cold shoulder, huh? I never said I wouldn’t try, Kusuo,” He paused mid-step, body halfway out of the door, “Teleport over tomorrow before school, since I really don’t think you’ll get anywhere near me transformed and you’re stuck like this until around six in the morning tomorrow, and I’ll see what I can think of. I won’t keep you anymore, mom’s about to call you down for dinner. Goodbye!”

Kusuo heard his television forcefully shut off with a faint click at the same time his mom’s thoughts grew in volume as they targeted him with ‘Ku-chan, dinner’s ready!’

He’d known dinner was ready. That was why he’d teleported home at this time and had started leaving the conversation when he had. Hmph. Maybe it was a little bit of intentional cold shoulder, sure, but it was mostly dinner.

Or at least that was what he’d tell his mom if Kuusuke whined to her about Kusuo being mean, because he was just being mean for the fun of it. It wasn’t like his brother didn’t deserve it. Sure, he said he was going to genuinely try and fix the whole stupid werewolf thing, but it was his fault in the first place so the effort overall amounted to nothing.

…Did Kuusuke say six in the morning? That probably meant the initial shift had been at six this morning, which added up. That was utterly ridiculous. It was from sunrise to sunrise on the day and night with the fullest moon. How irritating. Kusuo was very good at tuning out Kaidou and Aren’s train of dialogue at this point, helped by his seventeen years of experience tuning out telepathy in general, so much so that he could even forget about them, but their exclamations of horror at that time-frame brought them back into the forefront for a moment.

They’re going to be waiting in that hideout much longer than anticipated… Kusuo sent them a brief condolence. He sent himself a reminder to set an alarm for tomorrow morning so he could shift back promptly.

Abruptly done, Kusuo turned back into his room instead of stepping all the way out, finding and grabbing his dinner telekinetically and bringing it straight to himself, ignoring the silverware for obvious reasons. Upon seeing his plate float away from his table, his mom’s thoughts became rather worried, but he reassured her that he was fine, just still. Having issues.

“…And I’ll be going to see Kuusuke early tomorrow,” He tacked on as well, rolling his eyes at how that statement fully calmed her down in the end.

Setting the plate down on his desk, Kusuo did his best to hop onto his desk chair, grumbling as he landed and the chair teetered precariously before balancing. Doing that was much easier as a cat, considering he weighed around ten pounds as one compared to now in which he was probably a good bit over a hundred.

Mildly annoyed, he huffed again tonight, and started eating (And being a bit disheartened at how dull the normally delicious tonkatsu tasted. He didn’t have anywhere near as many taste buds as a human did, so it was like the flavor was distant and sad), debating on if even trying to sleep when he felt wild awake and irritated was even worth it.

Well, even just lying restfully in his bed would be nice, and Kusuo decided listlessly relaxing was how he’d spend the rest of the night. School tomorrow would probably be a pain after having to deal with his brother, and a mental break would be necessary.

If only he had his germanium ring to truly relax in silence, properly removing both forms of telepathy. As much as he was fond of his nuisances, it was socially draining to always be either in a conversation or hearing one, as the werewolf telepathy was louder than his.

‘Are you telling us to shut up?’

‘Of course not. I’m complaining to myself, not you.’

‘…Right.’

Back on track, even if he could wear a ring on paws, it was no longer functional. The initial transformation had taken his ring with it, just like his clothes, and it’d been warped and broken beyond repair due to Kusuo’s innate strength. If it hadn’t, he likely would’ve tied it to a string and placed it on his neck.

As it stood, it was one wrong tap from Kusuo away from shattering, which wasn’t good when one weak tap from Kusuo could kill a person.

At least in the fading hours of daylight as dusk transitioned to night, people were settling down; and while most people weren’t going to sleep, they were going from a busy day to a mellow night routine, and their minds quieted as a result.

Finishing his meal and barely stopping himself from zoning out and letting his brain decide to lick the rest of the plate clean, he squinted at the empty dish and activated his clairvoyance to see if he had any coffee jelly of equal value in the fridge.

Fantastically, he did. Thank god his parents didn’t splurge on fancy dishes and silverware. This cheap ceramic plate had the same value of a slightly high in value convenience store coffee jelly, and so he apported the two of them, not caring at all that his empty plate was now in the refrigerator.

Kusuo could put it up later, before his parents noticed. Probably.

The lack of hands was making Kusuo actually appreciative of the full scale of his ESP for once, as ripping the seal off of the cup of jelly was as simple as a flex of his mind.

His tail thumped against the side of chair from where it dangled downwards as he shoved his snout straight into the cup. The taste may be watered down and nowhere close to how divine it was normally, but there was still enough of it present for him to enjoy it blissfully.

When he finished it and licked the entire inside completely clean he apported the empty cup for a significantly cheaper but still good brand of coffee jelly, since eating the contents regrettably lowered the value.

He deserved two for this whole ordeal. Maybe three…

…Perhaps not three, actually, since it wouldn’t do if he ate too much coffee jelly while being unable to truly enjoy its delectable flavor…yeah, two would suffice. That reason was why he had avoided his favorite treat even when dealing with being miserable and shape-shifted against his will, but a whole day stuck as a dog warranted it.

----

Kusuo should not have eaten any coffee jelly.

His head and stomach burned fiercely but, at the very least, he heard little to no mental voices due to it being the middle of the night. Even Kaidou and Aren were fast asleep, evidently, since there was no trace of them in his mind. So he did get the reprieve of his headache was significantly less than it could have been in this moment.

His mom rubbed his back (Basically petting him but the comfort was something he would have gotten the exact same way in a human form, so whatever), kneeling down on the floor to be next to him as he sat on the same, chilly, bathroom tile, right in front of the toilet.

Caffeine was toxic to canines, as well as most other animals. Technically it was still toxic to humans but that was irrelevant due to humans having the constitution for it.

Wolves did not have the constitution for it. It made them very ill instead.

Yes, he’d known that, but he’s eaten coffee jelly in his cat form with no repercussions despite his biology being just as altered as it was now…but, on retrospect, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever spent the next few hours after those moments remaining in a cat form and letting that body start to digest it, instead turning back before that could happen.

His mom’s mind was frantic with distress which was fair considering she’d found her normally invulnerable son still transformed and heaving the contents of his stomach into the toilet in the middle of the night after waking up from the noise of him teleporting and landing loudly into the bathtub at first because he’d been disoriented and nauseous, but she’d refused to let her mind come up with and ask questions until she was sure Kusuo was going to be alright.

She was a godsend, and so he decided to explain of his own free will so she wouldn’t start crying, which she was far too close to for comfort, flicking his gaze to the side so that it met hers.

“I’m okay. Or getting there. Dogs can’t have coffee or they get sick. I ate two cups of coffee jelly after dinner…I think I forgot to take the plate I apported into the fridge back out as well. Sorry.”

“Kusuo…” The use of his actual name was usually a bad sign, but now it was more out of exasperation and worry than anything of the scolding variety, “Can you still not turn back?”

He just shook his head, not wanting to explain that he wouldn’t be able to until a time frame that was far too specific for what he was still pretending was a power malfunction.

Kurumi just hummed sadly at that, continuing to stroke his back even as his scooted a bit away from the toilet. His stomach was still rolling queasily, but Kusuo was fairly sure that his body was done being absolutely disgusting.

He almost shuddered remembering how it had felt. He was beyond glad his ESP made him neigh immune to disease, because vomiting was the most unpleasant thing he’d ever experienced so far in life.

As he continued to pull himself back together, staring blearily at the white bathroom floor tiles, his mom asked him another question, “Would medicine help?”

“Even if it did, given my powers, I can’t take it like this. Human medication is a very big no-no for animals,” He sighed mentally and slowly raised himself off the ground, taking shaky steps past his mom and towards the open bathroom door. It was dark in the house, and so the hallway outside looked pitch in contrast to the illuminated bathroom, even with his ability to see in the dark.

The bathroom was, fortunately, rather close to his bedroom, so he decided against teleporting and padded slowly back to his room, pausing as his mom rushed ahead to open the door for him, leaving the bathroom light on in the process.

That was sweet of her, even if he probably could have used his telekinesis fine. He sent a quiet thanks to her and closed the gap to his bed agonizingly slowly, as his stomach lurched ominously whenever he tried to speed up more than a tiny bit.

Kusuo had actually managed to drift asleep briefly before this incident, lulled sufficiently by soft mental voices as he laid on his bed, and now he was even sleepier feeling. It seemed like getting sick had actually assisted in granting him some much needed rest.

He didn’t bother to shut his bedroom door, nosing under the covers of his bed until he was completely buried and comfortable, wondering faintly where his mom had gone when he heard her footsteps go downstairs, but overall not that concerned about it.

It was only when he had nearly fallen asleep again that his heightened hearing noticed her approaching his bed, and she called for him as she approached the lump of covers he’d become, “Ku-chan?”

He stuck his head out from under his blankets, the rest of his body curled up tightly behind him, looking curiously at his mom as she held a bowl full of water out at him, setting it down on his end table once she’d confirmed that he knew of its presence.

“If you feel up to it, you should make sure to drink some water, okay? Otherwise you’ll get dehydrated, since you just threw up,” She reached a hand down and stroked his head gently, and Kusuo nodded both to signify that he heard her and to dislodge it politely.

He knew that. He just hadn’t felt like getting himself water when he would have survived the night regardless. But, now that it had been brought to him, he crawled up on his bed until he could stick his muzzle into the bowl and drink as his mom turned to leave, wishing him a good rest of the night that he almost forgot to return.

Drinking from a bowl like this was mildly demeaning, but it was significantly less of a hassle than using telekinesis to drink from a cup was. So, since he was feeling very icky and wanted to exert as little energy as possible right now, he decided he didn’t care, tucking his head right back under his blanket once he’d had enough to satiate his thirst.

----

Waking up to an alarm at six in the morning when he didn’t have to be at school until closer to nine would usually be a miserable experience, but for once, Kusuo was downright filled with joy when he remembered why he was startled out of a deep sleep so early.

[theubb]

Part 3! probably the lowest effort one yet. Now please let me go on a side tangent here, i just gotta get some thoughts off my chest and a reason for the so-so quality. I will talk abou this part and the AU ofc, i just gotta talk about me for abit, even if i talk to the void i want to get it out there.

I do consider parts 1 & 2 kinda low effort on my part and it most certianly frustrated me then BUT i have grown to accept it. I am burnt out! To give context: all my previous Sonic anything before the event began was for a School project!

We were quite free to do basicly what we wanted and i manged to make mine about Sonic under the guise of learning 3D. I started last September and have been just going at it almost nonstop since. Yes i had a few breaks ofc but nevertheless i was very burnt out by the time That project was done.

So for me personally, The Ubb, personally this event was (for me personally) abit ill-timed personally for me, The Ubb. The idea of Nine traveling the Multiverse was something i had wanted to get around to eventually so when this Event was announced i obviously wanted to participate, it felt like the stars had aligned! sort of.

Thing is becouse of the nonstop work i was already supremely burnt out before the event even started so not great for me personally. I planned that i would just do a Me thing between the 2 Projects, something not related to either. A short little break yea? that was What updating my Sally Acorn design was going to be but we know how that went.

The Result is wonderful, yes, it is one my proudest designs, came out great. BUT she was one of the thoughest challenges ive had so far. More context: it usually takes me like 2-3 days to make a Character design but Sal here took me 2 weeks. 2 weeks.

The result is wonderful but it was not the break i had envisioned. And the timelimit for the event was ticking down, i had lost about half of it by now. Like i said Nine traversing the Multiverse is something ive wanted to do for awhile and with DonelyWell making it uncertain wether or not the Event might return or not it truly felt like a now or never kinda situation, so despite my burnt-out-nes and lack of a proper break i pushed on.

And that is why the quality has been kinda so-so so far, due to burn out my heart hasnt been truly in it.

I will try to push out part 4 this coming week and you should expect it to be of this same quality you have seen thus far BUT after that i am postponing Part 5. I had originally planned to hopefully have it out before the end of august but with the current state of my mental health that is no longer feasable. After part 4 I Will take a break for maybe 1 or 2 weeks to just not work in order to get my mental situation sorted.

Sal proved that a working vacation was not a good solution.

But after the break i will get to work on Part 5 where i will put all the cards on the table. I have decided to put in that extra effort that has been lacking in Parts 1-3 (and probably 4) in order to make up for my sub-par performance thus far, another reason for the break. I cannot say how long it will be between parts 4 and 5, perhaps a whole month or even 2, idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we shall see

It will be out before the year ends tho, of that i am certain. Current plan is 3-4 big pictures for Part 5 and just a butt-ton of characters. This is to keep me happy as i do not particularly enjoy enviornments but character design is my passion.

The way i work with making the AU designs is reverse engenering my Mainline designs. That way it wont be a complete radio silence from me, The Ubb, but i am saving all my AU designs for Part 5.

But speaking of how i work lets segway back to part 3 yea?

For part 3 here i wanted to introduce this AUs Shadow! This AU is my take on an Anti-Verse AU as i call it, where Bad guys be good guys and good guys be bad guys! IDK if it has an actual Name or some such.

This AUs Shadow is alot more silly looking which is 100% intentional. In this Anti-Verse AU this guy here did not end up nearly as traumatized as Mainline Shadow, main thing being Maria do be alive in this AU! I sadly dont have a design for her yet, will in Part 5 tho.

Also if you do recall; for this AUs Eggy i Changed his name to Ovi Kintobor, i did a name change for some other characters aswell. One of them being Anti-Shadow here, or i suppose i should call him... Terios! cuz thats what i named him yo

I know that Name is attached to prototype Shadow and a design that is quite different from what you see here BUT thing is i have no plans to use Terios in my Take on Mainline Sonk and the Name is simply too cool to not use at all and with me already changing some names in this AU i figiured why not!

Now to talk abit about what he be looking like, firstly the Gun.

I decided to give my Take on Shadow a Gun cuz is neat. I enjoy the idea of Shadow using a gun but do agree that he doesnt really need one, he has Chaos Spears rember? They already cover ranged attacks. The gun needs to fill a gap in his already vast moveset, cover a blind spot so to speak, in order to deserve its inclusion.

So a-thinkin i went!

And then it hit me; the idea to have it function like an extension of his Chaos Spears! Therefore the small canister looking thingy with Chaos Energy on both guns

For Mainline Shadow i decided to have his Gun solve the accuracy problem. Im sure Shadow can Throw his spears real good but what about really long distances? A fancy gun would solve that i think! have it shoot chaos energy powered by Shadow himself, With it being energy based and meant to solve accuracy have it have like next to no drop off yknow? Like a Pistol sized Sniper!

For Terios i wanted to aproach it from a different angle, if not accuracy what else could a gun do for Shadow that his Chaos Spears cannot do on their own?

Well what about speed? Sure Shadow can probably chuck out his Spears quite quickly but there is most certianly a limit. I am sure a gun has a faster firerate than a throwing arm, just sayin.

And with my desire to Make Terios look abit sillier than Shadow i went for a very smooth, round and almost SMG looking shape clearly influenzed quite heavily by certain Tediore Pistols from Borderlands 3.

Next lets talk about the obvios.

I am very happy and proud of my Shadow design, he came out great, Less so for Terry here. You can clearly see i barely changed much, this is mostly due to me not really knowing what direction i wanted to go in at first and then a desire to move on once it was good enough.

But I Did some thinkin! With All three (Terios, Maria Kintobor and Gerald Kintobor) surviving the G.U.N raid of the ARK and thus Terios not being nearly as traumatized as Shadow i wanted to delve abit into the fact that Shadow should be around Sonic's age; in other words a teenager or at most a young adult.

Shadow never got a real chance for a proper childhood and getting to be a proper Kid but for this Anti-Verse i wanted to perhaps explore that abit more. What if Shadow's Story wasnt as dark? What if he got some proper time to be a Kid? Not forced to grow up quickly? Maria didnt die in the raid? Gerald wasnt executed by firing squad?

Thus for Terios i want to go into a more Silly direction cuz Terios just all-round had a better time than Shadow. Wasnt all perfect with sunshine and roses ofc but still better than Shadow. Terios gets be as happy and free like Mainline Sonk!

So when i decide to revisit Terios in the future i kinda want to go in a kinda Silly Super Hero Costume direction. I could go into further detail but i feel i have talked enough for now, see you this coming week with part 4! It will introduce this AUs Sonic, Tails and Metal Sonic, see you then!

I sure do like talking huh

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[ridiasfangirlings]

is sarumi toxic?? genuine question, i dont know if its just the way certain fanmanga that ive read portrays their relationship. i love the ship with my whole heart, dont get me wrong. ive read lost small world, finished rok and season 1 (halfway through season 2). consuming all kinds of k stuff, i personally dont see it toxic as certain people do (knowing that theyve already reconciled). im super confused on who to believe so here i am asking you

I will say to start that I’m not exactly a neutral third party here, even with me being a filthy multishipper Sarumi is still my ‘main’ ship. That said, I personally don’t consider them to be toxic as a ship. There are definitely elements of their relationship as presented that are not good and could certainly lead to toxicity, but that’s also pretty understandable considering Fushimi as a character is not a healthy person and isn’t equipped to deal with relationships in a healthy way. If we look at, say, only season one Sarumi is a vacuum there’s certainly room to call it toxic, with the way Fushimi interacts with Yata by drawing out all his negative feelings and deliberately goading him into physical violence, but thankfully there’s a lot more to their relationship than episode five of season one.

When you consider the side materials the series is pretty clear that Fushimi’s actions stem from him being an abused and neglected child who clung to the one person who ever showed him affection and who has no idea how to handle things that other people would consider easy. When they join Homra and Fushimi doesn’t feel like he fits in he starts to assume a lot of things, that Yata’s leaving him behind, that he’s going to be rejected, because up until he met Yata Fushimi’s entire life has been him being rejected by the world around him and rejecting the world in turn because it’s his only method of coping. When he burns his Homra tattoo in front of Yata it’s a move intended to hurt them both, because the only way Fushimi knows of to break something that he loves is to do it spectacularly — Fushimi himself can’t break what he cares about so he takes on the persona of the person who could, of the guy who can flawlessly destroy what Fushimi Saruhiko loves every time. Fushimi is so afraid of losing his precious friendship with Yata that he feels like he has to be the one to break it first in order to save himself the pain of losing it. This is a toxic mindset but also a totally understandable one in the context of Fushimi’s character. 

Obviously Fushimi’s way of dealing with his emotions is not healthy but he’s not a healthy person, that’s well established. Are a lot of Fushimi’s problems of his own making? Very much so. Does he really owe Yata an apology for being a dick all this time? Also yes. But Fushimi’s actions are also very understandable due to his upbringing, and Yata himself says that Fushimi is trying to be better — “You have a sense of guilt.” Fushimi’s relationship with Niki is a toxic one because Niki is abusing him and literally doesn’t care about the trauma he’s inflicting on his kid. Fushimi on the other hand is well aware of what he’s inflicting and tries very hard not to care, while still not being able to let go of Yata and still occasionally letting his mask slip (how he has difficulty dealing with a grieving Yata post-S1 for example, and how he still helps Yata in Missing Kings) and ultimately, Fushimi knows what he did was wrong and he and Yata start to reconcile. They aren’t a perfect pure and unproblematic uwu ship but I don’t consider them to be toxic just because Fushimi dared to be mentally ill, the Sarumi I ship isn’t the one where they hate each other and where Fushimi’s still constantly cruel to Yata, it’s the one where they make up and recognize their mistakes and Fushimi starts on a healing path that includes recognizing what he did to Yata and in his own fumbling way trying not to do it again even though it’s difficult for him. (And also frankly if someone does like the toxic version of them go for it, you do you. I really hate how people tend to throw around the word ‘toxic’ as some kind of forbidden brand, like if a ship is not perfect and healthy and wondrous it shouldn’t be shipped. Ship your fictional characters any way you want, as long as you tag things properly! Be free of the need to be judged!)

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[mental-health-advice]

Hey!!! I could really use some advice about a confusing situation I'm in. Buckle the fuck up because this is long

So, I (14, f for the purposes of this ask, I'm not out as nonbinary) have this one really close friend (16m) in December of 2021 ago (I was 13 and he was 14 then) , we started dating, but only for about a month before I broke up with him because I thought I was a lesbian. (I now identify as aromantic but that's unrelated) it was very friendly, and we're still friends. But while we were dating, we started cuddling and hugging more, which was fine then, but after we broke up it started making me uncomfortable, but he kinda didn't stop. So I asked him not to, and he stopped, but then he started doing it again. So I asked him to stop again, and this time he seemed to get it, but he kinda didn't stop with the hugging, which still made me uncomfortable but I didn't wanna say anything about it because I know he likes hugs a lot.

Also, I should mention that we had sleepovers like, every friday for a long time

so. It was awkward for like the whole spring and summer, until the fall when he started opening up to me about how lonely he was. At first I was a little annoyed by him being so clingy with me, but later he said that he doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone but me about it, and he doesn't trust his family with his feelings.

(I should mention that we used to have sleepovers like, every Friday)

As more and more time went by, he got more and more clingy with me, and started cuddling me again, which at that point I had told him multiple times I didn't like, and crying when he did, like everytime we were alone together. And I didn't wanna just push him off me, because he was crying, so I just kinda let him. But he did this so much eventually it started sending me into panic attacks, and then we would both be crying, and it was awful. The thought of sleepovers now just make me really anxious. He opened up more about how he feels worthless and unhappy and he doesn't want to be alive because he doesn't think he makes anyone happy. And he keeps talking to me about it, and keeps hugging me even though I've told him so many times I don't like that, and trying to hold my hand even though I've told him I don't like that, (I think he is touch starved but I don't like touching) and apologizing, and sitting really close next to me, and sometimes when there's other people there!! And he always apologizes a lot afterwards and says he wishes he had more willpower so he could stop making me uncomfortable but like dude!!!! Just fucking stop!!!!! it makes me really uncomfortable and I'm getting mad at him about it but I don't know if I can just tell him that because he's really guilty about everything ever and I'm scared if I tell him I'm angry he'll become suicidal and kill himself and I don't want that obviously!!!!! I've told him to talk to his parents and get therapy before, and I know he's talked to his dad about it but I don't know if he actually said anything about how serious it is, and as far as I know he hasn't gone to therapy yet, but he keeps treating me like one!! I'm 14 and I have enough mental illnesses for both of us,, I am not a helpful therapist.

And it's been destroying my mental health!! Ive had multiple panic attacks because I'm so scared he's suddenly going to kill himself and it would be my fault for not helping him, and I've been worrying about him so much and I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of his mental health but I can't!!!!! I literally can't! I had to stop hanging out with him because being alone with him makes me extremely anxious!! But he keeps acting like I can help him!! And he's apologized for this before, but he never stops doing anything he's apologizing for, but I don't want to call him out on it because I don't want to hurt him more, but he made his entire life depend on my!! I can't take that!! It's killing me!! I'm mad at him but I feel like I'm not allowed to be mad at him, even though he keeps ignoring my boundaries and ruining my mental health. (I don't fully blame him though.) Should I tell him I'm mad at him???

So. Yeah. This is a mess. I still care about him so much but I have a limit. I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do.

Hey there,

I sympathise greatly with you with how hard and also how frustrating it can be when there is someone in our lives (and it could be anyone) who greatly depend on us despite us ongoingly telling them that we feel uncomfortable and feel unable to really help them. I think that it’s great that you have been able to continuously tell this person that hugging makes you feel uncomfortable. I think that it’s more than OK to be mad at him and especially as you have spoken to him on more than one occasion and even though he may be able to sub-consciously acknowledge this, he still continues to invade on your own personal space. So yes, this is something that you have every right to be angry at him for, regardless of what he may be going through/ struggling with in his own life.

In regards to you feeling guilty about the possibility of him harming himself or committing suicide, you can only do so much for him. You said yourself that you have your own mental health problems and life struggles to deal with, so please do not feel pressured into being there for him as well when you already have so much else going on in your life. It’s great that you have asked him to talk to his Dad regarding therapy. Sometimes this is all we can do, try as best as we can to refer them onto other services/ professionals who can help and are better equipped to do so. If him talking to his Dad is something that he won’t or doesn’t feel comfortable in doing, then perhaps you could suggest to him to contact a helpline either on the phone or on web counselling. I know that it isn’t the same as ongoing therapy but it’s therapy in the short-term at least and they may be able to refer him onto other services that will be able to help and support him long-term. Remember, he is not your responsibility to look out for and be his therapist as such, and it is in his own hands whether he reaches out for help or not but at least you would have pointed him in the right direction to help himself if/ when he is ready.

Despite wanting to help him but not being able to, I want you to please be gentle towards yourself and know that he is not your responsibility. Yes, if he chooses to act in ways such as suicide, you may feel guilty, but ultimately it is his choice with what he chooses to do. All you can do is to point him in the directions of help/ support from services and mental health professionals, and hope that he accepts it and makes that call to help himself. I know that this may sound harsh but there is only so much that you can do unfortunately.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[bat-luun]

tell me about ur comic character right neow!!!!!!

you will fucking regret this hell yea

okay- literally no one talks to me about anything ever but imma try my best to explain it all even with the uber instincts of my uber autism- sorry about the crazy rambling your about to hear

tw: old art and my old @

this is a wip comic i started thinking about back in like 2018? when i first drew the (then) mc on paper! my beloved Bonnie!!

the concept for her then was: a film/photography student goes looking for her missing gf and lovecraftian horrors ensue!! the main inspiration was the three friends diner and the horrifying hijinks were mostly inspired by the 2017 horror game among the sleep!!! the MOST IMPORTANT gimmick of the whole thing was the photos i planned that Bonnie would take! inspired by this legendary creepypasta.

(old 2021 and 2022 art)↴

speaking of among the sleep - inspired by the bear character i did plan to maybe add a sidekick that would basically be a tour guide of some sort so bonnie doesnt get frame one killed. this was scrapped cuz its cringe and i didnt like it. now i just use them as a dnd npc.

(old 2022 art)↴

now mind you- i was working on this whole project whenever i really felt like it and this is around the time where i went from my dsmp hyperfixation to jrwi and didnt make much oc art so the work was very slow and minimal..

but when bitb dropped? oh my lord did i eat that shit up for this comic. obviously i dont wanna just rip off bitb (if i wanted to do that i would just write fanfiction) so i did a reboot of the whole series!

now i have four main characters: Kat (she/her) Bonnie (she/they) Dough (they/them) Vinny (he/him)

with Kat being the main main character as most of the story is told through her pov. the story is now set in the 70s/80s in a town literally called Small Town somewhere in florida (yes the shitty and simple names are intentional shut up). i wanted to explore more of the human nature of horror - that its not always the evil shadow monster hiding in the woods thats gonna hurt you, but that it can be the people you are closest to or even society at large.

but i also dont wanna go the ooOoOooOOOO it was a [insert mental illness here] metaphor all along!!! route since i feel like its really overdone and can heavily demonize mental illness. instead its more found family focused as a team of four homosexuals try to solve the towns seemingly simple mystery that drives them down the path of experiencing unspeakable horrors!

so basically gayer scooby-doo but theres heavy gore and autism

i can definitely rant about this way more but i feel like ive been talking for too long so hope you enjoyed that very brief history lol - let me know if you wanna hear about the remake characters!!!! :D

heres a kat piece im working on rn as a treat :]

[figurecollection]

"wait until theres a video showing" is actually super smart, i'd feel a lot more easygoing if i was following a guide as opposed to just trying to freeball it with such an expensive thing TT) but regarding "is it a face plate or a extra piece" i... can't tell?

kotous & mfc says "bonus smile face", so that isn't very informative, but hobbyfigures says "bonus smile piece" so i'm beginning to think that maybe its actually a whole headpiece? it makes it a little funnier to think that there'll just be a random lumine head hanging out in a box when i get her and her brother LOL

mine yoshizaki is a super cool artist imo, i recognise the name bc iirc he did the frog anime, but looking up his figures, a lot of them are charming! it might be because the ones i've seen are primarily pretty old, and i just have a sweet spot for those, but they all do look really nice.

it is LAGC! LOL. i was talking it over with my brother and we were wondering if we should go to HJ or LAGC and we decided HJ next year, because we went to LAGC a while ago, but went on friday, so only one floor was open, so i wanted to see what it would be like with full capacity. also there was just a lot of sorta,a lot of video game/anime stuff so we thought that'd be more optimal.

how was HJ, though? i saw that HJ seemed to focus a lot more on the entirety of japan rather than just anime/gaming (obviously) so i was interested.

sorta hoping i find the sakura miku lantern figure 20cm one at LAGC though, so i have an excuse to buy it... i wonder how bright the lantern shines, probably not bright enough to subsitude for a lmap? maybe i should get a glowy carbuncle instead.

sorry to hear you've been tired though, i hope you get lots of rest :D but also yeah i feel it. last few weeks have reved up in content it feels like, so much. bro, my right arm for a quick ten minute break. hreres hoping we both get a day or two of quiet

no problem! i guess we'll find out soon, I prefer head pieces to face plate since they're less fiddly and i hate taking the hair pieces off figs to replace lmao

i've actually never been LAGC so I hope you have a nice time. HJ is really nice, they do a lot of workshops and have some nice shows on. there were also some really great artists exhibiting and i got some nice fanmerch, i really reccomend it. they have some nice food there too. i also went to megacon this weekend, there was so much genshi merch LOL i was really surprised. I hope you see the miku lantern! ive also seen the ffxiv carbuncle lamps theyre so cute lmao

yeah it's just my state of existing most of the time bc mental illness but it's been fun!! i hope you're good too. its nice gettng asks like this i appreciate everyone on here so much it really makes my day better to get asks and stuf like this

[totallyseiso]

ive been very straight edge my whole life but honestly im just like "if im this bad now, i cant imagine how much worse ill be if i was high or drunk" im kind of scared to see how bad my mental state would go with an addiction like that tacked on it

Trust me, you can be worse.

Obviously I have no experience with drugs so I don't know what an addiction like that would be like, but my experience with alcoholism was just me getting drunk every chance I got because it made me feel less like shit. But this lead to issues like me constantly hanging out with people who used to treat me like shit for fun because I was too drunk to realise how awful they were to me, and I think that too was affecting my mental health and sense of self-worth without me realizing it. Then it got to the point where I was getting alcohol poisoning. I'd spend a whole night throwing up and still think I was better off that way. I don't know if it's had any long term effects on my health, but that could've been a problem if I continued.

A lot of people who have addictions like that can end up having problems in their day to day life, like I showed up to work drunk one day and probably would've been fired over it if I hadn't been called in last minute on my day off.

Also, I happen to be one of those freaks who can't seem to ever get hangovers, so I woke up every morning feeling fine, which might've been a factor into why I was drinking daily for so long.

This was a bunch of words and might not be very coherent, so sorry about that. I am tired

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Im about to watch Sissi (1955) but before I do, I want to talk about it a little because I actually saw part of this movie before. Basically, my mom and I were going on a small roadtrip to see a musical in abother city and I brought my Elisabeth 2001 CD and we listened to it and I explained the context of the songs to her because it only had 16 of them on it, it was very nice. But it made her mistakenly believe that I was interested in historical or Sissi-media in general, so when we were in our hotel room and we had some time, she suggested that we watch Sissi (1955) and again, I wasnt really interested, but I agreed and we ended up watching the first 20 or so minutes before we had to leave, we severely overestimated how much time we had lol. But I feel like not a lot happened in those 20 minutes, all I remember is Franz Joseph is very busy, Elisabeth is homesick, Sophie does NOT like her, there was this guard-guy who had a very sillygoofy crush on her, and when we left it was at the start of her hungarian lesson, she was like "ach, something about hungary just speaks to me" and thats it. I also remember getting this post-war-country-reminiscing-about-its-"glory days"-vibe from this film, although Im not sure if that actually has anything to do with the filmitself, or if me knowing that it was made in the 1950s colored my perception of it, so Im curious if seeing it again and in full will be any different. I also ended up telling that anecdote to my therapist recently and she told me she grew up with the trilogy and apparently it is pretty kitschy, but I hope it'll be a kind of kitschy I can enjoy. Oh, also I told her that I was kinda interested in seeing them but also not because Ive found all the 50s movies Ive seen pretty boring so far (this was wayyyy before I decided to do this whole thing), and she recommended that I watch the films Audrey Hepburn did and it just so happens that I have one of those on my list, so Im curious about that one too

Also, this isnt related to anything I just said, but Ive been thinking about this since yesterday. When I wrote that line in my Ludwig II — Glanz und Ende eines Königs (1955) review where I was like "It was refreshing seeing a film about a different genre of mentally ill man", obviously referring to Rudolf only, I was originally going write smth like "royal" instead of "man" there, but then I looked back on my list and I remembered all the previous movies Ive seen and I realized that not only do they not portray Elisabeth's mental issues or suffering beyond being like "shes sad :( for reasons :((", these movies have really not been about her. I mean, Kaiserin Elisabeth von Österreich (1921) was but that one was like 30 seconds long. After that we had Das Schicksal derer von Habsburg (1928) which was mostly about Rudolf, then Elisabeth von Österreich (1931) which, idk if I would say that one was mostly about Rudolf but it was certainly about him a lot for a film named after her, then we had Sissy (1932), The King Steps Out (1936) and L'Aigle à deux Têtes (1948) which were all obviously inspired by her but theyre mostly just made up bullshit, and then inbetween that we also had Erzsébet királyné (1940) where she was a supporting character

And thats interesting to me because when I started this project, I was expecting the romantic image we have of Sissi to be more 'built up' in cinema, if the way Im phrasing that makes any sense, but thats really not the case and it really seems like that image that would be regurgitated and then subverted by media that's more "real" only comes from this one movie, or rather movie trilogy, and idk, I just think thats interesting

[the1975attheirverybest]

im a bit of a mixed bag ngl i had my birthday which was very good then results which ehhhhh lowkey failed chemistry but i got into my top uni despite not meeting entry requirements !! but i now have horrendous period cramps and spent most of the morning wanting to murder anyone/thing that made noise until i was like ohhhhhh its here

as for favourite lyrics:

self titled: maybe basic but me and "i was thinking bout killing myself dont you mind?" because of the idea of if i did it would anyone care and its so obviously yes, people would mind A LOT but you still kinda dont think that. but also "id be your anchor but im scared you'd drown" from talk, the line from heart out which escapes me but is about turning into a tv, and "i know your looking for salvation in the secular age but girl im not your savour" because holy shit it did not have to go that hard. though it is very entertaining going through genius and finding out just how many drug references are snuck in that album

iliwys: i like cant actually explain it/don't understand it exactly but "im the greek economy of cashing intellectual cheques" just because of that idea of not feeling smart enough sometimes and like youre gonna hit a wall intellectually. but i also fucking love "for you are not beside me but within me" and the idea that you can love something so much it becomes a part of you and also how it links into what matty always says about tye transformative power of art and especially the feeling of listening to an album and feeling like it has become a part of you. also the "ive not been doing too well" at the end of nana makes me want to rip my hair out and like throw myself at a wall because its so incredibly sincere after a song that almost dances around his emotions and then its so incredibly direct and gut wrentching

abiior: in mine the "i fight crime online sometimes" is very good just because its a bit humourous in quite a sincere song and it juxtaposes the quite timeless instrumentation without being cringe. "what if you died with all of the cameras on" from petrichor stands out but i dont know why like i guess it could be to do with the idea of reaching a level if fame that even your death can be viewed by the world? theres probably a lot of better ones that are not coming to mind i was scrapping the bottom of the mental barrel a little

noacf: ittsysk speaks to me on a visceral level "see saw back and forth" and "oh please ignore me im just feeling sorry for myself" and undermining oneself despite having just outlined your mental turmoil.

bfiafl: "making an aesthetic out of not doing well and mining all the bits of you, you think you can sell" because i think we have all taken the selfie while crying for the funny later and ill very occasionally go through my notes app which no one else has read in an attempt to find something to put on tumblr or scrounging for photos i can put on tumblr to seem cool or edgy and even how because of small business tiktok people are monetising their hobbies that they do for fun because it could sell and people need money. also just "tell me you love me because thats all i need to hear" and "do you think that I've forgotten about you" are both so straight to the point yet so incredibly relatable and heartbreaking. "i would go blind just to see you" is quite fun because its a bit oedipus adjacent with the whole idea of prophecy and that oedipus only sees the truth when he is physically blind alike to tiresias.

sorry if this is a bit much. these are also all off the top of my head so there are probably a few better and more interesting ones im forgetting - 🐸

OKAY OKAY OKAY!!! So many unique highlights here. The line from Heart Out Is “you created a television of your mouth.” Which is such a specific and brilliant line in the way that only matty can write. In fact, only young matty. The more skilled he gets, the more concise he’s become. Which is definitely a strength but sometimes I miss his verbose and overly complex imagery. Like you can still see hun wrestle with it and try to work it out and circle round the idea but not quite get it. It’s so beautiful.

AND PETRICHOR?!!! HELLLOOOO!!!! Genius.

One thing about “Happiness” though…..I feel like it’s….purposefully…what’s the word….not quite cliche. More like tropey? Not that either. I don’t quite know how to to describe it. The whole “id go blind just to see ya.” “I’d go far just to have you near.” “Never gonna love again.” They’re very common ways of talking about love (and matty knows how to make the common uncommon but he does choose not to in this one) which helps to convey the energy in the song. In much the same way that the delicate imagery of JC2005 and the weirdly formal writing does the same there. Idk what the right words for this technique is. But I find it super interesting.

[lyra-swan]

Hiiiii I know you're offline as I'm writing this but nevertheless I still felt like jumping into your inbox and word-vomiting for a second because I've been following Mechanical Angel for quite some time now and picked it up again recently and I just made it to part IV, god I'm having a blast. I can't wait to put all my full, extensive thoughts out there once I'm done but for now I need to stress that I'm just super impressed with both your writing style and the tone/ character development as a whole but the world-building in particular got to me gooood.

Am I right to assume that a lot of research went into this???? Because you can genuinely tell, to the point I literally felt transported to the places as you described them every time and the details are just so captivating to witness. It really feels like I'm reading a ww2 novel, I feel transported back into German literature class on occasion and it's just. Impressive???

Anyway thank you SO MUCH for putting this out there, I'm so happy Mechanical Angel (and all of your works) exist!! I've already noticed that there's another story focused on Natsume/Sora set in the same universe and I can't wait to finally jump into that one too once I'm done with MA. (Especially since Natsume is in my top 4# favorite characters but that's only a bonus)

Last but not least I am very mentally ill over Eimika now, congrats, I'm rotating them in my brain a very normal and totally not concerning amount, haha

May you have a wonderful day!!

Oh hi thank you so much!! I both loved and struggled with Part IV so much, but it was extremely fun to write, especially that dumb part in ch.38... I dunno if you've reached ch.45 but that was also very fun. I hope you continue to enjoy the rest!

I'm going to ramble like an old grandma again, adding a read more thingy so the post won't be a bother to scroll past for others.

In my opinion I don't think I've done enough research! But I'll always feel like that no matter how much I do so bleugh, nevermind. The scenery is typically based on my own surroundings but changed slightly to match an European feel... I think I wrote more in the last ask answer but it has a tiny bit of spoilers, I believe. The setting is a bit of amalgamation of my own country and europe because my own surroundings is what I'm familiar with, and of course although it's supposed to be inspiried by Germany everyone drives on the left side (I think I mentioned it in a chapter note) because I didn't want to accidentally trip over myself from a simple description of where a character turns their head. It's the Little Details that are important!

I say, as if I also didn't mess up a few details here and there because I started posting before finishing the first draft and so I couldn't edit the way I used to do for my previous longfics... But yes, it was very fun adding random bits from what I learned into the story because I used to love watching WW2 docs and laughing every time the nazis messed up and suffered a crippling defeat.

Like, I'd read about how they lied to their citizens that they were doing just dandy, and then have Wataru ask Eichi if he wanted more 'false reports of our so-called victories on the battlefield' to be published in the newspapers. Because that's the funniest shit ever to me...

Then one day I'd read about the nazis being among the first to connect smoking to bad health, and I'd add something like that in a conversation between Eichi and Tatsumi, they're not nazis obviously but because of the setting's inspirations that's where I got a lot of information (but you'll have a scene later on that's more Britain than Germany, so the fic truly is a amalgamation of different european settings during WW2). And of course, people are sceptical of new medical findings, that was mentioned. And the part where Eichi mentions 'common people are suspicious of IV drips' to Mika, that was a thing in the real world too.

I wonder if there is a single medical invention that wasn't regarded with suspicion by at least one person at first.

I kind of wish I had Eichi offering gold watches to anyone who quit smoking, it would've been funny, but eh.

And of course there are some things that don't make sense because this IS an alternate world so I DO have freedom. Like, even though this takes place generally in 1930s-1940s time, tranquiliser guns weren't invented until the 1950s (by a NEW ZEALANDER!!! Colin Murdoch. He's also the genius behind the modern day syringe, if I recall correctly), but you know, I added it in anyway because alternate world, alternate invention timeframes. I wrote that fog scene where Mika is shot by Midori while also sitting outside one dark foggy morning, and I liked the scene so much I kept it in.

Anyway I'm so happy you like the world-building! It was super fun to work on! I really like rural settings for world war stories... one of my favourite authors, Michael Morpurgo has that kind of vibe going on too, my bookshelf has a few of his books. So many dog and animal stories with themes of war lingering in the background if they don't directly deal with war and I love every one of them. They're all so full of emotion, they'd always make me cry. I love the stories that can make me cry and look back and think it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and Morpurgo's works can do that A LOT. But also I'm very emotional...

And thank YOU for this! I'm always so happy hearing someone enjoyed what I wrote!

I still need to finish that natsusora fic. It was supposed to be a part of the main story itself but because it would've taken so many chapters, I was worried about 'forcing' readers through a side story that had no bearing on eimika. So I posted it as a separate fic! It takes place during that last chapter of Part IV so you can actually have a look whenever you've started Part V.

Natsume is very out of character, however. He's in his 30s and not really the cute feminine witchy boy that he truly is in canon (at least, that's how I see him), he's an engineer and really logical... but he hates Eichi with a passion, that's VERY necessary. Nevertheless, I try to write him as close to his canon self within the au that I've shoved him in and told him to survive in. Totally fine if you end up not liking it!

Excuse the rambling!! Thank you! You have good day!!