#jerryseinfeld

[targetedtales]

Poor Jerry. 😥 Students walked out on him.

[toolaperfectcirclefans]

“Yeah, y̶o̶u̶r̶ my nipple’s showing” - Pneuman 🍈 Credit: poallaring • • • • •

[spintaxi]

Socialists Want An Anti-Trump Pope

THE NEXT POPE: APOCALYPSE MITRE EDITION

By SpinTaxi’s Vatican Fashion Correspondent and a Dairy Farmer with a Latin Dictionary

The Conclave Hunger Games

Vatican Declares “Last Pope Standing” Contest Move over, March Madness. Welcome to April Absurdity, brought to you by the College of Cardinals — now airing live on Pay-Per-Pope. As Pope Francis’ holy Fitbit hit 0%, the Vatican announced that the successor would be chosen through an elite conclave showdown known as The Papal Brawl: Smells and Bells Edition. Bishops across the globe were summoned like Hogwarts students receiving owl-grams. White smoke? Forget it. This year, the next Pope will be announced via a laser drone spelling “SANTO!” over St. Peter’s Basilica. “When Newsmax says the Church is in crisis, I assume they mean they couldn’t find gluten-free hosts.” —Larry David And what a field of contestants! Cardinal Raymond Burke entered the Sistine Chapel with a MAGA stole and an exorcism kit. Cardinal Matteo Zuppi brought a Pride flag and a solar-powered confessional booth. Cardinal Willem Eijk flew in from the Netherlands on a bicycle powered by righteous indignation. What the Funny People Are Saying: “So the next Pope might be a guy who hates modernism… selected using an online ranked-choice voting app? That’s like choosing a caveman by Tinder swipe.”—Jerry Seinfeld

FRANCIS’ FINAL HOMILY: “PEACE, LOVE, AND WHATEVER YOU WANT, REALLY”

Pope Francis’ final mass featured drones dropping vegan communion wafers over the crowd, a sign of the Church’s pivot toward progressive grocery stores and celestial ambivalence. His homily ended not with “Amen,” but a TED Talk playlist and a QR code linking to “The Gospel According to Greta Thunberg.” Traditional Catholics wept. Liberals applauded. And somewhere in the crowd, Joe Biden tried to genuflect, fell, and accidentally consecrated a hot dog. Evidence of Collapse: A leaked Gallup-Vatican-YouGov poll revealed: 64% of Catholics think “doctrine” is a type of pasta. 32% believe the Pope lives in Reno. 7% believe they are the Pope.

The Cardinals: A Field Guide to Red-Hatted Gladiators

CARDINAL PETER ERDO (Hungary)Described as “the theological Mike Tyson,” Erdo pledges to return the Church to Latin, leprosy, and leather sandals. He once punched a vending machine for selling “gender-neutral water.” CARDINAL PIETRO PAROLIN (Italy)Francis’ spiritual nephew and the Vatican’s secretary of state. Parolin’s résumé includes organizing cocktail parties for UN diplomats and writing encyclicals that double as ESG reports. CARDINAL RAYMOND BURKE (USA)Wears red like a bull charges it. Thinks climate change is a Jesuit conspiracy, opposes liturgical dancing, and once called jazz music a “gateway drug to Lutheranism.” CARDINAL MATTEO ZUPPI (Italy)Popular with artists, anarchists, and archangels. Zuppi’s platform includes giving voting rights to baptized houseplants and renaming “The Our Father” as “The Parent Who Be.” CARDINAL WILLEM EIJK (Netherlands)Believes secularism is a virus and baptism is the vaccine. Known for issuing 300-word sermons containing only one verb: “repent.”

BREAKING: JESUS REFUSES TO COMMENT

When asked who should lead the Church, sources close to Jesus said, “He’s golfing.”

TRUMP’S CABINET: THE RESURRECTION SQUAD

Meanwhile, in a parallel but equally incense-scented dimension, Donald J. Trump announced his 2025 inner circle in a ceremony that began with a bald eagle landing on Steve Bannon’s shoulder and ended with the choir from Mar-a-Lago Christian Academy performing “Hail to the Chief (Remastered by Kid Rock).” Inside Trump’s “Team Like No Other”: Secretary of Defense: Mike TysonWeaponized aggression. Enlists the Space Force to patrol Twitter. Secretary of Faith & Fisticuffs: Pastor Greg LockeCombines snake-handling theology with mixed martial arts diplomacy. Press Secretary: Roseanne BarrEvery briefing ends in a Bible quote, a lawsuit, and a meatloaf recipe. Head of the Environmental Protection Disarmament Agency: Joe RoganPlans to flood the Grand Canyon with alpha brain powder and ban trees that don’t believe in freedom. Surgeon General: Ben ShapiroWill speak faster than you can ask, “Is that even medical advice?”

GEN Z: GAY, GODLESS, AND GLUED TO THEIR PHONES?

Newsmax reports that over 20% of Gen Z identifies as LGBTQ, prompting conservative media to declare it a “national emergency” and propose funding for “Heterosexual Re-Education Yoga.” Old folks in Florida have reportedly started spelling out “LOLGBTQ” on bingo cards, while schools consider installing gender-neutral prayer closets. Social Science Data (Cited Nowhere): 47% of Gen Z think “communion” is a dating app. 18% believe Noah's Ark was a climate change metaphor. 12% would swipe right on Satan “just to see what happens.”

CHINA BUYS KANSAS; OFFERS FREE RICE TO FARMERS

In an unsettling twist, Beijing now owns 36% of Kansas. Locals say tractors have been replaced with rickshaws and barbecue joints with wet markets. Kansas Governor Buck Gritstone addressed the situation by saying, “We welcome our new economic overlords. Also, who took my cows?” Fox News Coverage:Tucker Carlson’s hologram asked if Xi Jinping is trying to turn America into one large Mandarin lesson. What the Funny People Are Saying: “I bought a farm in Kansas and accidentally joined the Communist Party. Now I’m expected to learn calligraphy and bow to my corn.”—Ron White

ELON MUSK: CLEANSING THE SWAMP WITH ROCKET FLAMES

Elon Musk has declared war on the administrative state. His latest X post reads:“AI-run Congress. No pensions. No pants. Let’s go.” His innovations include: Self-driving subpoenas Neuralink-enabled lie detectors PayPal for papal donations Musk’s tunnel-boring machine has accidentally resurfaced beneath the Library of Congress. It was immediately sold to Netflix as a series titled “Drain the Swamp: The Burrowing Begins.”

FOX NEWS: GEN Z EDITION

Fox’s new hosts include: Tucker Carlson, Jr.: A synthetic AI clone who speaks only in ironic Latin. Candace Owens: Returns with a show called “Woke Wreckage Wednesday.” Kid Trump: Barron Trump’s TikTok persona with 8 million followers and a gold-plated teleprompter.

THE NEXT POPE VS. THE NEXT TRUMP: WHO GETS THE NUKES?

In an intercontinental game of chess, it remains unclear who will shape the soul of civilization: the successor to Pope Francis or the guy tweeting Bible verses from a tanning bed. One will command 1.3 billion Catholics.The other already has the nuclear codes, a devotional app, and a secret bunker filled with copies of Art of the Deal: Extended Gospels Edition.

SATIRICAL SOURCES:

The Pope’s New Mitre Includes 5G and a Juice Cleanse Protocol Trump Names Jesus “White House Chaplain,” Jesus Politely Declines Kansas Declares State of Emergency After Mandarin Replaces English on Stop Signs Elon Musk Installs Mars Rover in Oval Office, Calls It “Vice President” Gen Z Forms New Religious Movement Based on Astrology, Memes, and Vibing Fox News Launches New Segment: “Woke or Possessed?” Evangelical Army Baptizes Entire Lake Erie in Pre-emptive Strike Against Satan

COMEDIAN LINES FOR YOUR SOUL:

“The next Pope should be picked by spinning the Rosary Wheel and yelling ‘Habemus Bingo!’”—Billy Crystal “Trump’s inner circle has more drama than the Kardashians, and less foreign policy experience.”—Sarah Silverman “If China owns Kansas, can they take Nebraska as a free gift with purchase?”—Chris Rock “Gen Z thinks Lent is when you borrow things.”—Amy Schumer “Elon Musk is trying to replace Congress with ChatGPT and Mars bars.”—Trevor Noah “Fox News calling itself ‘next-gen’ is like your grandpa buying a hoverboard and calling it a Corvette.”—Dave Chappelle

FINAL THOUGHTS: THE HOLY INFLUENCER WARS

Whether it’s Pope TikTokus I or President Trumpus Maximus, we are entering an age where leadership will be livestreamed, salvation monetized, and dogma sponsored by pharmaceutical ads. Stay tuned. Or don’t. Either way, your subscription renews automatically. Auf Wiedersehen. Read the full article

[nagoyacomedytalkfunny]

Comedians Mark Bailey and Mike Miller talk funny about if the Who was dyslexic, reviewing Jerry Seinfeld's latest movie, videos about scamming scammers, there is no right answer at airport customs, and signs that your'e IT assistant is in India.  Brought to you by Nagoyaradio.com, Nagoyacomedy.com, and stand up comic Mark Bailey.

[twnenglish]

A Look At The Most  Expensive Cars In The World – Who Owns Them?

Have you ever wondered who owns the most expensive car in the world? With the rising cost of luxury cars, it can be difficult to keep up with who can afford the most expensive ride. But who is the lucky owner of the most expensive car in the world? 

The world's most well-known and wealthy individuals frequently purchase the priciest vehicles. Because their value increases over time, the wealthy view limited editions as investments. In order to sell them at high prices at auction. Even after a car is produced, many factors still influence its price.

History, rarity, speed, comfort, tech integration, and brand recognition and popularity are all included. Once a famous person around the globe has a car, he also develops into a huge status symbol.

The world's most expensive Car, along with their owners, are listed here.

A Look at the Most Expensive Cars in the World – Who Owns Them?

1. Ralph Lauren – Bugatti Type 57SC Atlantic ($40 Million or 146,924,000 AED)

Ralph Lifshitz, best known by his stage name Ralph Lauren, is a successful businessman, philanthropist, and fashion designer from the United States. The Ralph Lauren Corporation, a multimillion-dollar, multinational company, is his most well-known achievement. The 82-year-old fashion tycoon is renowned for his collection of vintage Cars, some of which have been on exhibit at museums.

Only two 57SC Atlantics remain; one is owned by Lauren and the other is housed at the Mullin Automotive Museum in Los Angeles. The type 57 S.C. Atlantic coupé, which is now 80 years old and considered one of the most valuable cars in the world due to its rarity, elegance, luxury, and sportiness.

The black 1930s 57SC Atlantic owned by the fashion mogul is regarded as the first supercar or street-legal high-performance sports automobile. Its eye-catching kidney-shaped doors, riveted fins, and teardrop-shaped body are cool to look at.

Read More

[quotenova]

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success. https://www.quotenova.net/authors/jerry-seinfeld/xkmpm9

[phonemantra-blog]

Veteran comedian Jerry Seinfeld found himself in the middle of an unexpected political exchange during his recent stand-up show in Sydney, Australia. A pro-Palestine heckler interrupted Seinfeld's set, prompting a witty and pointed response from the comedian. Let's delve into the details of this incident, exploring the heckler's actions, Seinfeld's response, and the broader context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Heckler Disrupts Jerry Seinfeld Show Heckler Interrupts Seinfeld's Set with Pro-Palestine Slogan On Sunday, June 18th, 2024, Jerry Seinfeld performed a stand-up routine at the Qudos Bank Arena in Sydney. During his set, a member of the audience disrupted the show by shouting a pro-Palestine slogan: "From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free!" This slogan, often used by pro-Palestinian activists, refers to a one-state solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, where a single state would encompass all of historical Palestine. Seinfeld Responds with Humor and Frustration Seinfeld, known for his observational humor and dry wit, addressed the heckler head-on. He responded with a mixture of sarcasm and exasperation: Sarcastic Mockery: He sarcastically declared the heckler a "genius" who had "solved the Middle East!" This jab poked fun at the perceived simplicity of the slogan and the complexity of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Frustration at Disruption: Seinfeld expressed frustration at the disruption of his comedy show, stating, "It's a comedy show, you moron! Get out of here." The comedian further highlighted the inappropriateness of the outburst by pointing out that a comedy show is not the appropriate venue for a political debate. Heckler Continues Chanting, Seinfeld Uses Wit to Defuse Tension Despite being escorted out by security, the heckler continued to chant "Palestine will be free" as they were removed from the venue. Seinfeld, demonstrating his comedic prowess, used this to further defuse the tension: Mock Encouragement: He sarcastically encouraged the heckler to "keep going" before predicting they would be "punching" them soon. This lighthearted approach aimed to de-escalate the situation and maintain a humorous atmosphere. Highlight Inconvenience: Seinfeld jokingly pointed out that the heckler's outburst wouldn't influence the audience and instead predicted a humorous news headline about the incident. A History of Support for Israel and Facing Pro-Palestine Protests This incident is not the first time Seinfeld has encountered pro-Palestine protests during his stand-up career. Outspoken Support for Israel: Seinfeld has been a vocal supporter of Israel, particularly following the October 7th Hamas attacks. He has also visited Tel Aviv to meet with the families of hostages held by Hamas. Previous Protests: In recent months, Seinfeld has faced pro-Palestine demonstrations at other events, including his commencement speech at Duke University and a comedy set in Virginia. These protests highlight the ongoing tensions surrounding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the differing perspectives on this complex issue. Seinfeld on Protests: Frustration and Misplaced Aim In a recent podcast interview, Seinfeld addressed the issue of protesters at his shows, expressing frustration at their misplaced focus: Criticism of Protests: He labeled the protests "dumb" and pointed out that comedians have little to no political influence. Promoting Civic Engagement: Despite his frustration, Seinfeld acknowledged the importance of young people getting involved in politics. However, he emphasized the need for them to "correct their aim" and engage in more productive forms of political discourse. Beyond the Heckle: The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Explained (Optional) The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a complex and longstanding issue with deep historical roots. This section can be included if you want to provide a brief overview of the conflict for readers unfamiliar with the topic. Key Points of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict: Historical Context: Briefly discuss the historical events that led to the current situation, including the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948 and the ensuing displacement of Palestinians. Competing Claims: Highlight the conflicting claims to the land by both Israelis and Palestinians. Major Issues: Touch upon some of the major issues at the heart of the conflict, such as borders, Jerusalem, and the right of return for Palestinian refugees.

[therealmattnappo]

How Taking a Chance Changed My Entire Acting Journey?

[girlactionfigure]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by JOAN OF JUDEA (@joanofjudea)

joanofjudea

Nothing like seeing @jerryseinfeld express what we all feel. Without words. 🇮🇱💙 thank you @bariweiss

[goldenganjj]

“Wait, did you say “ballpit”? Like dashcon’s ballpit?”

“Yeah, so what?”

Elaine shakes her head, “Tumblrina.”

Jerry points to her, exasperated, “so you’re allowed to be versed on tumblr culture but not me?”

“Everyone knows tumblr is a woman’s site.“

“Oh! No!” He shakes his head, “That can’t be true!”

“Yes! And reddit is for men!”

Jerry watches Elaine search through his fridge, staring blankly at her as she settles for eating grapes off the vine stem, like a Roman Emperor as she leans against his counter.

“Well let’s agree on one thing at least—“

“Sure.” Elaine’s teeth grabbing a grape.

“— why’s it gotta be “Tumblrina”, huh?”

“What’d’ya mean?” She’s mumbling around her mouth of fruit.

“Well this is tumblr we’re talking about! Social Justice Crusades—!”

Elaine rolls her eyes, “No!”

“— Hamilton is gay and nonbinary!—“

“Stop!” She swallows indignantly, audibly. 

“— something about All or Nothing?!—“

“All that is from 10 years ago, at least!”

“Fine, fine. But let’s agree on this one thing, tumblr users shouldn’t be called something feminine.”

“As if you actually care! You’re just on there to meet women!”

“Yeah, talk about barking up the wrong tree. Last week I found out this person I’ve been flirting with in the tags? AMAB nonbinary.” He snaps his fingers, “Which! Proves you wrong!”

Elaine shrugs, her attention back to the grapes, “Nonbinary is nonbinary, doesn’t matter what they’re assigned at birth. And nonbinary is queer, which is practically a woman anyways.” She scoffs, “Some tumblrina you are.”

As Jerry throws his hands up, exasperated, George knocks and Jerry lets him in. “George, back me up here.”

George, heading straight for the couch, “Alright,” he looks at Elaine and gestures at her, “What’s with this?! Are you a Roman Emperor, now?!”

“Roman Empress, thank you!”

“About that! George, you’re talking with someone and you’re flirting and you’re getting along great—“

“Your experiences aren’t universal, but go off.” George says as he throws his head back against the couch, frustrated at his lack of prospects lately.

“— and then, oh no, they tell you “I’m nonbinary.””

George shrugs, “Okay.”

“Assigned MALE at birth.”

George makes a face like he wants to not agree with Jerry but after a beat he acquiesces, “Yeah, no. That’s not happening.”

Elaine doesn’t seem shocked but does lay into the pair anyway and smugly says, “You’re both sooo wrong it’s stupid.” She eats another grape as if to punctuate her point.

Jerry shakes his finger at her, “Now that’s ablest, missy!”

Kramer skids into Jerry’s apartment, laptop open in hand and says, “Get a load of this!” They all crowd around Kramer’s laptop and see a tumblr DM between CosmanaughtKris and JerrySeinfeld. “This guy has been pretending to be you Jere and I’m gonna confront him in person!”

Jerry looks up to Kramer, mouth agape.

“But… I need money for Uber. Spent all my dough on this romper I found on etsy.”

Now the whole gang is looking at Kramer.

“You’re nonbinary?!” Elaine says.

“A romper?!” George says.

“You’re CosmanaughtKris?!” Jerry says.

Kramer nods vigorously, “Yes yes! Now can we go get this guy?!”

“Where’d you get Kris from?!” Jerry’s still on the tumblr name.

Kramer shrugs, “That’s my name now. Got it changed oh uh two years ago at this point.”

“Cosmo wasn’t nonbinary enough for you?” George asks, a tad bewildered.

Elaine laughs, “Hell, Kramer is peak nonbinary. I know so many nonbinary people who would KILL for that name to be given to them.”

George tsks, “Name three! And, no, your landlord doesn’t count.”

“Why don’t they count?!”

“What kinda gay person is a landlord?! Everyone knows all gays are commies! It’s absurd!!!”

“We’re getting off track here!” Jerry interjects, “That’s ME Krame! I’m —“ he pokes at Kramer’s screen and then to himself, “JerrySeinfeld!”

Kramer’s head shoots back and forth from Jerry to the screen. Stares at the laptop. Tilts his head at it. Then says, “If this is you…?” Kramer looks to Jerry, “then this guys’ a regular tumblrina!”

Jerry groans, walking away with head in his hands as Kramer leans down awkwardly to grab a grape with his teeth like Elaine has been.

“I just didn’t peg you a tumblrina, Jere!” Kramer says with a mouth full of grapes.

Jerry turns on his heel quick, “Oh let’s get one thing straight mister!” Jerry stops, “Miss” Groans, “Whatever! You’re not pegging me at all!”

“Hey,” George says, grabbing a grape with his fingers, “Don’t knock it til you tried it.”

*** this is in the spirit of Seinfeld these people are terrible, I don’t agree with anything they said.

[theperezhilton]

Don’t be on the wrong side of history? Team Julia! Don’t be on the wrong side of history? Team Julia! https://www.tiktok.com/@perezhilton2024/video/7378960701777366302

[moonlightspencie]

Luna please call me back when you get this, Cermet and San-Fran are fighting, and JerrySeinfeld has a fever babe you need to come home right away.

nooo my sweet jerryseinfeld solomita 😭 running home as fast as possible 🏃‍♀️

[propicsmedia]

All Time Top 10 Stand-Up Comedians AS SELECTED BY PROPICS CANADA MEDIA LTD.'s AI SYSTEMS - Jan 04, 2024 A Laugh Riot by ProPics Canada Media Ltd. #comedyclub #Top10 #standupcomedians #laughter #HistoryOfComedy #comics #entertainment #standupcomedy #comedywolrd #JoanRivers #eddiemurphy #ellendegeneres #jerryseinfeld #davechappelle #richardprior #robinwilliams #chrisrock #aichosen #artificialintelligence #rodneydangerfield #GeorgeCarlin #billhicks #top10comedians #propicscanadamedia #jamescousineau #entertainment #toptenlists Jerry Seinfeld Joan Rivers Joan Rivers FansDave Chappelle: Live From Radio City Robin Williams FanClub #ellen Ellen DeGeneres Richard Pryor Eddie Murphy Chris Rock Bill Hicks #fluffy #bluecollarcomedy #enews #PPCMGlobalNewsNetwork

[jeffcbliss]

About last night: Jerry Seinfeld (left) and Jim Gaffigan - Kia Forum; Inglewood, CA (11-4-23). @JerrySeinfeld @JimGaffigan

Photo: Jeff Bliss