#john egbert no way home

[ghostytrichster]

[callmearcturus]

How to Read Whomstve in 2021

Hey Arc, what are you doing?

I'm getting into this thing called Whomstve—

You mean you're back into Homest—

SSSSSSHHHHH don't say its name!

It's Complicated.

So if you don't know, here is the abbreviated version: I started reading Whomstve on the day it ended, the day of the final [S] Act 7 animation, because I watched it on a whim and said "man this music is fucking rad, I should finally try to read this," and then I did.

Then, a few years later, after the completion of the story, Hussie and their compatriots released The Home/stuck Epilogues, which were bad. They were very, very bad and in a specifically very hateful, vindictive way, and they essentially decimated the fandom. Many people left within a month. Most were gone in a year. And they were right to, in my opinion.

(You know how Game of Thrones was the cash cow Cultural Moment and then the finale happened and it fucking vanished from popular consciousness? It was like that, except imagine GOT had a decent ending and people kept enjoying it and then three years later they released a new ending that ruined the show. That's the Epilogues.)

Fast forward to about…. the end of September, 2021. A full 900 days after the Epilogues Happened, I was struck with a thought:

Man. I miss Jake English.

And now, three or four weeks later, I'm into Whomstve.

Okay why "whomstve" tho?

I think my friend Asherinn started this, it was our little way to bitch about the epilogues without winding up on the Tumblr search. Now, to me, Whomstve very specifically means "Home//stuck, before the (Not Actually) Post-Canon content." It's the story I loved.

What I found surprising is that… and this shocked me a lot, trust me: Whomstve is still good. I've done the relisten and it's good, actually. I'm stunned, actually.

When the Epilogues happened, one of the predominate emotions myself and others had was a sense of "were we wrong? was it always bad and we just didn't see it?"

Hi. I'm here. And no, it was good once. And that part still is.

Now you're gonna tell me how to get into """Whomstve"""" right?

Yeah, p much.

I have a few thoughts on this. I'll try to be concise—

Actually I'm impatient, just tell me what to do.

Fine, the short version:

Read Acts 1 through 3, either on the Home//stuck website or using the Unofficial Home//stuck Collection.

Switch to Lets Read Home//stuck starting with Act 4, and continue on from there.

Switch back to the website or UHSC when you run out of LRHS. It'll get you most of the way to the end.

Stop at [S] Act 7 or [S] Credits. Do not read the Epilogues.

Hit me up for fic recs.

Now, the long version.

ONE: Whomstve is best read and understood in archival format, and anyone who tells you differently is incorrect.

For clarity: the "live read" is having read the comic as it was updating. The "archive read" is having read it as a complete, finished story.

I am 1000% certain that being in the fandom during the live update cycle of the story was very cool and very specific and frankly an experience that will never be repeated. I know and respect that.

However, if you have heard shit about how HS is difficult to understand or even impossible or that it doesn't make sense— this is because the Live Read is vastly inferior to the Archive Read when it comes to your reading comprehension. Many of the complaints people have about the story are solved by experiencing it as a complete story, when you set the pace of your read, and you don't have literally months of downtime between updates in which people spin so much conjecture and theorycraft that their actual understanding of canon is hampered.

So. To appreciate the story, forget all the memes and shit, all the fandom history around it, and just read the fucking story, and it will be great. I promise.

TWO: Okay but should I skip to the trolls.

Act One and Two are not very interesting, compared to the rest of the story.

There, said it.

Unless you imprint on the first hero of the story, John Egbert, you can feel free to just fucking speedread the first two acts of the story. Here, I'll summarize what happens:

It's John Egbert's birthday. He has three best friends, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde (you'll love her), and Jade Harley. They are destined to play a video game named SBURB that unbeknownst to them will end the world. (Kinda, don't worry about it.) By playing the game, they ascend into the game's world. Each of them have to join the game, and the circumstances around them doing so become increasingly complicated. Through Acts One and Two, John enters the game, then Rose enters the game, whilst we learn about each of the kids and start to learn hints about the greater mythology of SBURB.

It's reading through Acts 1 to 3, but like. Briskly. Act 4 is where shit pops tf off.

(Hell there is an in-canon recap I can link you if you REALLY wanna go fast.)

Wait wait you want me to read THREE FUCKING ACTS before it gets good?

No. It's good. It just doesn't get great until Act 4, imo. You know how The Magnus Archives was never a bad show but that fucker took tf off in season three and four? Yeah, that.

Oh and this is important to understand.

Yeah. Trust me, it'll go quick.

(oh and important to note: this isn't even accurate because pages have varying amounts of words. a page can be a 500 word conversation between characters, or it can be a two sentence joke, or it could be an animation. i looked for a word count chart and failed to find one. I strongly suspect Acts 1-3 are even smaller than this chart conveys. anyway.)

THREE: You mentioned that you "listen" to HS above.

I feel like this is extremely and useful, especially because I know a lot of my followers are into audio-media like podcasts.

I have properly read HS three times. I have listened to Lets Read Home//stuck probably about 7 times. It is my preferred way to experience the comic. I think starting with Act 4, you can and possibly should just put on LRHS and experience the story that way.

Why not Acts 1 thru 3? The production values and voice acting from Act 4 and onward are extremely fucking listenable, and occasionally they are even better than just reading the comic. There are no truly Bad performances, only about two I would call mediocre, and more than 15 I would call really goddamn fucking good, and about three I think deserve fucking acting accolades. Also the Hivebent Narrator's voice is hot, I'm sorry.

Isn't it a different experience than reading the comic on the site? Yes, but in a good way. A few years ago, HS as a property was acquired by Viz Media, and a lot of little things in the comic have been altered and lost due to this. Most of the comic was coded in specific languages, and to preserve them, Viz has uploaded a lot of shit to Youtube, which…. loses something very real to the story. So if you are gonna lose something, why not also gain something by listening to Lets Read Home//stuck?

(Hilarious aside: I just tried to run [S] Cascade on the official site to grab a screencap and the fucking embed crashed. GOOD JOB VIZ. God.)

Also if you have not experienced LRHS's Rose Lalonde from Act 4 onward, you are missing the fuck out bc that is an oscar-worthy performance of one of the best characters in the story. I'm not kidding.

But it's not complete! I would say LRHS has covered…… over 80% of the story. And they are still actively updating, actually. They fully plan on finishing the comic and I really believe they will do it someday.

Do you have another reason to use LRHS? Yes. The biggest reason:

The trolls.

The trolls are recurring characters. Several are major cast members. They all have Typing Quirks. Some are readable, like Karkat's:

CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.

Some are...

GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S

I cannot read this shit. When I read HS for the first time, I installed browser extensions to literally remove the quirks. But with LRHS, it's fucking read to you, and by people who know what they're doing.

I cannot recommend LRHS enough. I even have ripped MP3s of the whole thing and its in an audiobook on my phone. Yeah. Yep. That's sure a thing I just admitted to. (If you want 'em lemme know.)

FOUR: I don't want to listen to Whomstve, I want to read it, and I'm upset it's not well preserved.

Someone has Done The Fucking Work of archiving the entirety of Home//stuck.

Two downloads, and you will have a self-contained browser on your computer that will let you read all of it. It's very neat and clean, it has helpful configs to change how the font looks if you have issues reading it (however nothing to remove quirks, sorry) and it maintains the multiple games and special animations in the story.

To use it, you DL the main file, then you DL the asset file. It's easy, it's safe, I have a copy on my computer.

FIVE: Stop with either [S] Act 7 or [S] Credits.

This is a matter of opinion, which ending you prefer. Just, whatever you do, do not:

Read the Epilogues

Play the visual novels

Touch literally anything that says "meat" or "candy"

And that's Whomstve! Hit me up for fic recs when you're done.

SIX: Things to know going in.

Like with all media that was made over a decade ago, some shit has not aged well. There is frequent use of the r-slur, until very suddenly it vanishes from the entire comic because presumably Hussie realized it wasn't a funny word. There are a few characters with uncomfortable racial coding, and one that is literally just an fucking Moonspeak Asian joke. She's a minor character really deep in Act 6, I can tell you how to fully avoid her, just hmu. There is one unfunny use of the term "f*g", but the context is a mitigating factor imo. There is also the trouble of Home//stuck trying hard to be "aracial" as in none of the kids have a canon ethnicity. It's as much of a cop-out as you expect, but its something that imo is heavily explored in the fandom. That doesn't excuse it in the canon though, obviously.

The Ultimate Riddle: Why do you care about Whomstve?

That's difficult to answer.

Let me explain one of my favorite things about it. Maybe that'll help.

In Act 5 Act 2 (yep) there is an animation called [S] Jade: Enter. It comes pretty deep in the story, and if you watched it without any context, it's impenetrable. What the fuck is that dog? What's that door? Why is there a meteor? What is fucking happening?

But if you have read Whomstve up to that point, you reach [S] Jade: Enter, and you are given a fucking clusterfuck of a story beat. There is a moment I fucking shrieked to myself because at that point, I understood the language of HS enough that the Thing that happened was simple, fast, thoughtless, but in that single instant explained everything that had gone wrong up to that point in the story. Suddenly I understood jack everything.

This is Whomstve's midterm exam. It's a story that slowly, lovingly, patiently teaches you an entire language of symbology and mythology and mechanics, all so it can show you a dog and a glowy thing, and it can make you shriek in terror because the ramifications are that. fucking. exquisite.

And then Act 5 ends with [S] Cascade, which is simultaneously your final exam and reward. You have been again slowly, patiently taught what feels like an entire language, and for your time and attention, the story gives you a spectacle that

I literally cannot even put into words for you. If I sat you down and showed you, the uninitiated, [S] Cascade, it would be just visual noise. (Honestly, wanna watch it? Go for it. You will not understand what is happening but the music fucks. Enjoy the spectacle.) But if you reached that point organically, it's a fucking present that genuinely, truly wants to reward you for your effort.

So my point is this: the time put into reading this fucking monstrosity of a story is rewarded in a way that no other piece of media has ever rewarded me. I have never so thoroughly felt like I was being given something by a story as thanks for my time.

Also its funny. Also the art can be incredible. Also the music is NOTHING BUT THE FUCKING HITS. Also the gay delight of Rose and Kanaya's conversations in Act 5 Act 2 is unprecedented. Also when you find out why Karkat is talking to John backwards you're going to die. Also Almost Everyone Is Queer and they are all really complex, deep characters, even many of the ones they tried to just make a joke. Also if you're a good person you deserve to experience [S] Synchronize/Unite. Also the slow slow slow slow fucking burn of the story of Dave Strider will fuck you up. Also Jake English is one of the greatest, most complicated, incredible characters ever rendered in fiction. Also you will want to know what your classpect is.

Also there's a lesbian vampire alien who uses a chainsaw that turns into lipstick when not in use. She hooks up with a snooty, hilarious know it all witch girl who's handle is literally tentacleTherapist. Come on.

Whomstve is good. Give it a shot. I'll have fic for you after you're done.

Wait wait a minute wait, wtf does [S] mean?

Oh. Sound. It means the page has sound. Usually it means there's an animation.

[thewertsearch]

EB: the clock is ticking. EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery. TT: This unmitigated poppycock? EB: extravagant hogwash! EB: ok stop EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.

You wouldn't think it, but these two have personalities which mesh really well.

Ok, so I guess you can trade the cruxite for items. the basic cruxite that they have will create the most basic item possible. seems straightforward enough. 

And this is how you synthesize items. I'm sure the cubes are useful for something. if nothing else, you can probably trade them in for something a little higher on the tech tree later on. Maybe every item in the game is formed from these literal basic building blocks.

...side note. These two are burning through their starter grist pretty quickly, aren’t they? We’re down to just six, enough to make three more of the most basic object in the game. And the Cruxtrader seems to be more about alchemy than grist farming. I hope there’s a way to get more freebies, is all I’m saying, because these kids aren’t exactly playing optimally. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.

Ominous.

Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.

Significantly more ominous.

..................

Yep, that about covers it.

I thought the kernel was a portal, but now John really does need one.

So many questions. Is this happening to everyone playing the game? Is this why all the walkthroughs are cutting off? If it's three minutes away and he can see it that clearly, then that thing is big. What the hell has this game unleashed onto the world?

It certainly looks like a meteor, but I’m prepared to have my expectations played with here. A bomb? Maybe a spaceship? I know aliens show up at some point, so could this this the trolls, attacking Earth?

At least dad is away from home. Mr Egbert will live another day.

[yanyan-stuck]

For kinktober, what about john egbert with a breeding kink¿

KinkTober Day 5: Breeding Kink with John Egbert

TW: Rape

"Alright, I'll see you later?" You asked the boy, John Egbert, who you had met at the grocery store that day.

"yeah definitely! i look forward to seeing you again!" You parted ways, and began to walk home. It was only after you walked into your house that you realized you had forgotten to give him your phone number, or anything else that he could use to contact you.

You sighed, annoyed at your temporary forgetfulness, but didn't really see a way that you could tell him now. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to see him around town again. You always went to that grocery store, usually around the same time. Maybe he did as well, only time will tell.

You take your shoes off and walk further into your house, sitting on the couch and turning on the television. You flipped through the channels absentmindedly before picking one. You watched a few episodes of the show, before checking the time. It was a few minutes after 5 pm, so there would still be a couple hours until sunset.

You grab the remote again, thinking that you'll turn the television on again to watch one more episode before starting to make dinner, but you realize that you hadn't taken the garbage out yet. You get up and decide to do that instead, walking out your back door with the trash bag in hand.

Once you get outside, you close the patio door behind you and start walking to where your trash cans are, quite a few paces away from your back door. You climb down the wooden steps leading to the end of your driveway where your garage is, and open the lid of the trash bin. You toss the bag inside, but as you go to shut it, you hear the noise of what sounds like a large animal nearby.

You look around, expecting to see a deer or something similar, but instead make eye contact with a man who was walking towards you in your backyard. You backed up a couple steps, still watching him to make sure he didn't do anything more, before turning around at the base of the steps and running up them. When you got to the top, a gust of wind blew through your yard, so strong you felt like it would blow you over. You tried to keep walking to your door, figuring that this shouldn't matter to you because he would also be pushed back.

Suddenly, you felt arms wrap around you and cover your mouth as the wind instantly stopped. You first thought the person was simply blocking the wind from hitting you somehow, before looking over to your yard and seeing that the grass was totally still. You started panicking, lashing out and trying to get him off of you, but he just moved you into a bridal carry. "hey, it's okay. don't worry, you're safe with me." You heard him say in a familiar voice, one that, although you recognized it, you just couldn't put your finger on who's voice it was.

He carried you off, walking through a wooded area to avoid the sight of other people. In your struggling, you didn't see exactly where he had taken you, but you knew you were somewhere in the woods near your house. When he took you out of the woods, he was in someone's backyard, and, based upon how casually he walked through the back door, you assumed it was his.

He carried you through a few more doorways before dropping you onto a bed. He walked back to the door and locked it behind him. He turned back around to watch you with an amiable smile and started getting undressed, starting with his shoes, then his shirt, then his pants, and finally his underwear. You sat cowering against the far wall, trying to put as much distance as you could between the two of you. You had seen him the lock the door, so you knew you wouldn't be able to get out through there, but he was standing near the only window in the room, so you didn't have anywhere you could escape from.

He started walking towards you, still grinning down at you with love and obsession both present in his eyes. "y'know, i really wasn't supposed to do this so early. i was supposed to wait a couple of meetings so i could get a better space set up for you, but i just couldn't help myself. watching you is one amazing thing, but actually getting to talk to you is infinitely better. i've had to sit back and just watch you for so long, i'm so glad i finally got you to talk to me earlier today!"

When he got to the edge of the bed, he grabbed your arms and pulled you off the bed and to your feet. He started undressing you as well, pulling your shirt over your head and taking off your pants, even though you struggled against him. Once he got all of your clothes off, he dragged you to the bed again and tossed you onto it, following you onto the bed and starting to kiss you.

He crawled over so that he was sitting in between your legs and lined his member up with your entrance. He thrusted in slowly at first, only putting his tip in at first before pulling out and slowly trying to slide back in. He had to thrust a few times in order to get himself all the way in, and you fighting back didn't help him in the slightest.

He grabbed your arms to stop you from pushing against him, and started speaking while driving his hips into yours. "shh, it's alright (y/n). we can start a lovely little family together, the two of us and all of our children, just stay still for a little bit." You tried to pry your arms out of his hands, but were unable to, no matter how hard you tried to pull. You could feel his dick inside of you, methodically thrusting all the way in and out to the tip.

He continued for what felt like hours, thrusting occasionally punctuated by him changing positions or giving himself a break. You had begged him to stop until your voice went hoarse, while all he would do is whisper comforts to you. You had cried until you physically couldn't anymore, and nothing else you had tried got him to stop.

After cumming one final time, he pulled out and moved so that he was on his knees between your legs. He looked admiringly at your entrance, and when he saw a bead of his cum starting to drip out, he pushed it back in with his finger. He sits there for a while, making eye contact, before removing his finger to lean over and kiss you. He plants many gentle kisses across your face, then pulls back to lay beside you. He holds you against him, with his face nuzzled into your neck until you hear him start snoring behind you.

[prismadog]

Homestuck Headcanons Part 7

Almost to the last of the headcanons. There's one more post after this and then the Master Post.

Guardians’ Past/HCs

Due to years of Lil’ Cal’s influence and just being in the presence of evil incarnate, Bro suffers from insomnia and nightmares. The nightmares usually feature future Sburb events and Dave dying. This is one reason, as effed up as it is, that he “trains” Dave so hard.

Alpha John and Alpha Jade had a similar upbringing to Nanna and Grandpa, though, unlike those two, John and Jade stayed in touch even after Jade went into hiding.

Maybe Alpha Jade was the one to raise Alpha Dave and Alpha Rose. She found these two babies on one of her adventures and raised them on Hell Murder Island. And then, when they were old enough, they went off into the world to find their own adventure. Later, when Rose starts to write books and Dave starts making movies, they would take on the names "Strider" and "Lalonde" as a sort of penname so's to keep their private lives private. Alpha Jade would be proud of her albino babies. (god, I am getting so tired of having to type the word "alpha")

If Alpha Jade raised Alpha Dave and Alpha Rose, then she most definitely told Alpha John about them. Alpha John would be so happy/proud to have a niece and nephew and he would make sure to give them all the love (alongside giving his son all the love too) even though he couldn't really meet them due to them living on the island. Dad Crocker would know of them and care for them as well.

If Alpha Jade did raise them then after they left home, one of the first adventures the kids would go on would be to visit their Uncle John in Washington. They would get to know him as well as his son, Dad Crocker.

Dadbert (and by extention Dad Crocker) has the first name "Harry", named so because their respective parent (Nanna/Pop Pop) liked Harry Anderson's Wise Guy book.

Pre-Sburb

Mom Lalonde just wants to be BFFs with Rose, fangirling over the occult and wizards and whatnot, but every attempt at bonding ends up in being a silent passive-aggressive dispute.

Also, that room in the lab is definitely Mom Lalonde’s. She loves all those cutesy things and being surrounded by her mutant kitties.

If the Beta Guardians were friends and got together for holidays/birthdays/special occasions, Grandpa Harley would give guns as gifts to the other children, Bro would give out shitty anime swords, and Mom Lalonde would give everyone mutant kitties. Dad Egbert would be relatively okay with the kitties but would immediately get rid of the weapons.

Alongside the above headcanon, Bro and Grandpa Harley would get into heated arguments about which was better - guns or swords. Dad or Mom would have to play peacemaker.

Unlike Dirk, Bro can’t draw very well. He can draw some things, mostly patterns for his smuppets / puppets but other than that, he’s not good at art and he’s not interested in learning how.

Bro Strider definitely owns a shitty single-cab truck that’s full of smuppets, puppets, and random trash. However, there is one clean spot on the passenger side where Lil’ Cal, and sometimes Dave sits. (should he actually take Dave anywhere)

There is the rare occasion where Bro will break free of Lil’ Cal’s influence. When this happens, he regrets everything he’s done in raising Dave and he drinks himself into a stupor. He goes to Dave and bawls his eyes out and begs his forgiveness. He doesn’t remember much, if anything, by the morning and he returns to his usual cold, asshole, abusive self. One time, he almost gave Dave up so he could have a real childhood but Lil’ Cal got in the way and set him back on track.

A really young Dave accidentally called Bro “daddy” once. Bro secretly loved it but knew he couldn’t let it continue because he knew what would happen in the future. He didn’t want Dave getting attached only to have his heart break when his big brother eventually died - because he was definitely going to die.

[keeper-not-hero]

Long post ahead!

Connections I can loosely draw between Destiny and Homestuck:

(All versions of ) Clovis Bray = (All versions of) Dirk Strider - Clovis Bray, a magnificent inventor, was contacted by an evil force that spurred him on to create magnificently terrible things, and lives on due to said creations, splintered in multiple ways. Dirk, who we know to have made some funky robots, was contacted by Caliborn, who helped force him to get into the game, and lives splintered in multiple versions of himself caused by his insecurity, same as Clovis’ obsession with not being forgotten.

Similarities go as far down as to having a version of themselves stuck in the past and a “Current” version of themselves, brandishing really cool fucking swords, having haunted/posessed simulacrum (Lil’ Cal - Lord English, Clarity - The Voice In The Dark) and an unhealthy obsession with a specific animal and media associated with it (DAITO and rabits for Clovis, MLP and ponies for Dirk.) Also, their older versions are incredibly abusive to the ones they take care of (Beta Kids! Dirk with Dave, Giant Head / Non-Exo Clovis and literally all of his descendants.)

Elsie Bray / Exo Stranger = Davesprite - Time powers, come from a doomed timeline to offer knowledge of why they failed to their peers, had to let go of someone they were extremely dear to (leaving Rose behind to sleep into the next incarnation, killing Ana because evil darkness powers) before moving on, serve as a tutorial guide on mechanics previously unmentioned, cool. Sadly Elsie doesn’t have a “her” of this world to bounce off from, but this list isn’t a 1-to-1, it’s just a silly little thing to point things out, damnit. Hell, technically speaking, you could say *we’re* the Dave of this timeline? Although The Guardian / Us is probably more of a John Egbert, considering our whole canon-shattering, meta powers.

Shin Malphur = Jade Harley - Had their home destroyed, uses their father figure’s gun and got an awesome protector with superpowers to take care of them (Bec for Jade, Jaren’s Ghost for Shin), both of them have -sonas (Troll! Jade and Furry! Jade, Dredgen Vale), both of them are renowed for their prowess with guns, both of them lived in relatively isolated places before a world-shattering event (Sburb launch, Dredgen Yor’s Massacre), both of them are trans, autistic and gay I don’t make the rules I’m just right. <3

Dredgen Yor = Bec Noir - Both of them became incredibly powerful by stealing and then killing from high-ranking nobility, mostly for the reason they were really bored and unhappy. Got god-like powers, butchered hundreds with their signature weapons (Beta Kids! Dirk’s Katana I believe for Bec? And The Thorn for Dredgen Yor), are incredibly related and even somewhat feel for their sworn enemy (Noir feels Bec’s love for Jade, Dredgen Yor came to see Shin’s potential as an Acolyte of Light and Dark), both of them had cool otherwordly powers, both of them are edgy as FUCK and turned into things they technically weren’t supposed to (Bec Noir became a fucking dog, The Dredgen hid as a Hunter despite originally being a Titan).

The Drifter = Sollux -  Like Sollux, The Drifter is haunted by visions of Doom (LITERALLY SEES A PALE HORSE IN A VISION COMMANDED BY THE IX), is blessed by otherwodly powers, is incredibly depressed and snarky. Known for making weird shit which end up horribly (Drifter made Gambit and learned how to use motes of Dark, Sollux used ~ath and triggered the death of all lusii.) They both see the game they play as futile (Life and the fight between Light and Dark, literally Sburb), but keep playing. Both have really cute girlfriends who are obsesed with death, murder, kill, gore, maim, kill murder grrr (Eris Morn, Aradia Megido.) Both are DONE with this shit and just want to sleep, vibe, and cry.

Eris Morn = Aradia Megido - Oh boy guess which two people had their whole friend group murdered by a sassy egomaniacal hopeless bitch with magic powers? These gals. Both are fiendishly obsessed with death and despite their spooky behavior, they are probably some of the nicest people you’ll meet. Bad bitches to the bone that are related to a funky glowing green thing (Eris’... ahamkara bone? Ghost shard? Idk we never got a true answer to what it is, so I’ll just call it what cayde called it, “rock”, and Aradia with the Green Sun), assisted in the murder of a bunch of people both directly and indirectly (Lord English, empowering Jack - Literally like 95% of Oryx’s relatives and Oryx Himself, the Pyramids and The Nightmares), both of them uncovered ancient artifacts that are Really Fucking Important to the plot (Frog Temple, The Pyramid On The Mood), and generally having funky outfits that are really cool.

Eridan = Toland - Sad little bitches with an interest in magic and genocide who killed their entire friend group with the very powers they so desperately craved (Eridan directly with his Hope beam, Toland indirectly by leading them to their deaths at the hands of the Hive.) And yeah, they’re both genocidal freaks, with Toland’s belief on the Sword Logic, and with Ampora’s belief on the hemospectrum.

The Gardener / Traveler = Calliope - Both of them were too gentle to stop their bitter, murderous counterparts, and cheated death in one way or another to escape their pursuer who they now eternally evade (Calliope in the spiral, The Gardener by solar system-hopping.). Both of them help and empower their friends (Guardians, the Trolls + Kids), and both of them have funky little godlike powers, and in the alternate universe where they won, things aren’t much better. Or, good. At all. (The “World of Pure Light” lines by Orin in Prophecy, Alt! Calliope) Both of them are also incredibly powerful in their own right but mostly refuse to fight bar a few extreme exceptions. Also, both turn magic into guns, which is a thing Guardians love doing, and Guardians being those blessed by the Traveler, well. It just works.

Also, as a bonus, you could technically call the Traveler the Green Sun, since it empowers the... Guardians. And it’s spherical. And it emmits light. Ehehehehehehehehehe. That or Doc Scratch, because cue balls. But, those are WAY more surface level than the rest.

The Winnower / The Voice In The Dark = Lord English - Hoo boy. Monstrous, genocidal, powerful enough to shatter part of reality with a motion, rely on someone else to “herald” them (Clarity and Anomalies for Winnower, Doc Scratch and Lil’ Cal for L.E.), killed so many people it’s uncountable, EXTREMELY homosexual, still want to kill the main cast, unapologetically evil and 100% believing themselves right in their existance, have minions with incredible powers (Eramis, the rain earth smell creatures in the Collapse, many other Darkness followers - L.E.’s Leprechauns.)

Jaren Ward = Grandpa Jake - Killed by a bullet fairly ripped from a toddler, and from the equivalent of a toddler having a temper tantrum. Kind, explorative, raised Jade/Shin as if it was his own before their premature demise, still live through their descendants (The Last Word - Grandpa Jake’s manequim), both left their descendants with a protector (Bec - Jaren’s Ghost)

Calus = Caliborn...? - Ok so this is even more of a stretch than literally everything else in this list but. Both of them are gay as fuck, incredibly fucking teathrical, LITERALLY had us participate in a bunch of things for their amusement, have fanfic about how things will end, believe that the end of all things with them being the last one standing is correct, and ship themselves with someone from the main cast (Dirk for Cal, us for Calus) and have powerful minions (psions are nowhere as powerful as some of the Leprechauns but they still do the job.) I honestly just wanted to put that out there, heehoo. Oh yeah and they’re both fucking DEAD

Felwinter = Vriska - Ok look. Look. Look. Ok, Look. Look. Ok, ok, just, like, look. Ok look. Look. Ok. Look, ok? Look. Look. Look, look. Ok. Ok, just. Look ok? Look. Like, look. Ok? Look.

Both of them are extremely complex and violent characters with abusive parents that pretty much railroaded them into being distrustful, bitter and conniving, embodying their parents to maybe an unhealthy degree (Felwinter IS The Warmind as a Guardian, Vriska is a manipulative bitch just like her Spidermom), believed themselves a leader until prover otherwise but were still necessary for the survival of the group... until they accidentally led their group to an early fucking grave by flying too close to the sun and ignoring all good reasoning. Extremely violent, brutal and cruel for no particular reason.

Shaxx = Karkat - They both talk in uppercase only. Sluts.

Oryx = The Black King - Fucking dead, LMAO. Also, carapacians with transmasc swag.

Orin = The Peregrine Mendicant - Cool ladies who have went through hell and high water to do their jobs only to go on thankless and forgotten. Lost good friends among the way (Orin lost her boyfirend, TPM lost AR) and went through many transformations before this final shape (

Engrams and Glimmer = Build Grist and Captchalogue Cards - I mean, look, this is just facts. Engrams are a means of storing physical objects as data, same as captcha cards, build grist is used to make pretty much everything, same as glimmer, and engrams are hexagonal and come in white, blue, and yellow - HELL they can even be used as build material. It’s just. It’s too perfect. Fuck you, I’m right.

Dream Bubbles = Throne World - Ok the similarities are a big fucking stretch but “means of escaping death in another dimension” fit. Just. Really well?

Red Miles = SIVA - Red cancerous veins that nearly destroyed everything our heroes fought for. SIVA is more man-made than cosmic like Red Miles, but I’d like to think it still conts.

Ok I’ll stop here. I’ll RB or Edit and leave a timestamp if more jump to my head, for now I’m running out of creative and literary juice and I need to rest.

Prophecy, anyone? :3

[vikkirosko]

Okay, for changing, w/ John :D :

John's dad gives John and Reader very cheesy, matching shirts/sweaters/scarfs. Reader does their very best to pretend that they love it.

👓 John Egbert x Reader Oneshot Paired sweaters 🌪

You and John were sitting on the couch in his house while his father was cooking something in the kitchen. Today John's father invited you to their family dinner and you couldn't refuse. But something spoiled the whole evening, namely a gift from Father John. He gave you a pair of sweaters. They weren't very pretty and your sweater was terribly prickly. But despite all the shortcomings of this piece of clothing, you behaved calmly. You didn't want to upset Father John, so you pretended that everything was fine. John was calm, and you weren't sure if he was experiencing the same discomfort as you. Even when dinner started, you tried to act as if nothing had happened. All through dinner, you struggled not to take off your sweater. Even after dinner, you spent the whole way home without being able to take off your sweater. John was walking you home and you offered to stay the night so he wouldn't have to go home alone in the dark. John agreed. When you went into the house, John did what you had been dreaming about all evening. He took off his sweater.

"Freedom!"

You followed his example and took off your sweater. Your skin, not hidden by a T-shirt, has turned red.

"Where did your father even get these sweaters?"

"I have no idea, but I hope there is no such thing anymore"

"It feels like my skin is going to peel off soon..."

"That's for sure..."

You looked at each other and then laughed.

"Shall we tell him that the sweaters sat down after washing?"

"I hope he doesn't ask about it at all"

[autisticsupervillain]

It's Fictional Throwdown Friday!

This Week's Fighters...

Cole MacGrath vs John Egbert!

Conditions:

Cole MacGrath from inFAMOUS vs John Egbert from Homestuck. inFAMOUS 2 Cole vs Pre-God Tier John. Speed Equalized. Cole has the RFI. Fight takes place in New Marias.

Scenario:

John's father is killed when Cole activates the RFI to stop the Beast. John asks Dave for a favor so he can go back in time and stop this from happening. Cole attempts to explain why what he's doing is necessary to John later but John's not having any of it, forcing the two to fight.

Analysis: Cole

Many years in the future, human civilization would meet its grim end at the hands of a monster known only as The Beast. Humanity’s last survivor, a man calling himself Kessler, would use his fantastical powers to travel back in time and prevent the apocalypse. Taking over a secret society called the First Sons, Kessler would use their research to amplify the powers of Conduits, humans with special powers, with an explosive device called the Ray Sphere. Setting the Ray Sphere in the middle of Empire City, one man would survive it’s blast and go one to become the world’s savior. The name of that survivor, of the man who would slay The Beast, is Cole MacGrath.

Even before awakening his extraordinary powers, Cole MacGrath was an impressive young man. A parkour prodigy, Cole has the streets, rooftops, and sewer systems of both Empire City and New Marias memorized like the back of his hand, even capable of outrunning police with his skills. He was an incredibly intelligent man as well, smart enough that his parents can easily pass him off as a teacher. He was a straight-A student during his four years of college prep, only dropping out when one of his professors began tormenting his friend Zeke. But, after the blast, he became something more…

Now gifted with extraordinary electric abilities, Cole became a living battery, capable of absorbing and manipulating electricity to an extraordinary degree. With his newfound powers, he can create a wide variety of bolts, missiles, grenades, and blades out of his electric powers, ranging from homing missiles to sticky grenades. He can also create Arc Restraints, electric chains designed to pin his opponents down.

In regards to his defensive abilities, Cole has a huge moveset to draw from. He can create shields that convert bullets into energy for him to absorb, glide through the air and telekinetically throw heavy objects by manipulating magnetism, regenerate from being riddled with projectiles, can fully heal himself and restore his stamina by absorbing electricity, and even restart his heart to come back from the dead.

This wide variety of powers is only scratching the surface of what Cole can do, which comes as a result of how his powers work. See, Cole can develop new powers in a wude variety of ways, such as by absorbing large quantities of energy, or even just by using his powers in creative ways during a fight. Throw these methods, he has developed and mastered both the above powers as well as the following ones. He can:

Create thunderstorms.

Throw tornados.

Drain electricity from storms.

Absorb ions from killed opponents to enhance his powers.

Amplify his speed immensely via Precision, causing foes who were previously only a blur in his view to move in slow motion.

Give himself unlimited energy and stamina briefly via Karmic Overload.

Heal crippling wounds with his healing pulse, an electric zap that amplifies the body’s natural healing abilities.

Can see visions upon getting new powers, teaching him how to use them.

Can see how a person was killed by touching their corpse, as well as see a path leading to their killer.

And suck the bio-electricity from a person’s body with bio-leech, a technique that requires he grip their face.

Can create electric grappling hooks.

And many, many more.

Of particular note is his Radar Sense, a sixth sense that operates independently of his other senses in an omnidirectional way, allowing him to see electrical sources, people included, as well as outline those with hostile intent towards him in red.

Keep in mind, these are all just his electricity powers. Upon reaching New Marias, Cole was able to use a device to transfer some of Lucy Kuo’s powers into himself, after which he gains additional ice based powers, allowing him to create ice missile, ice grenades, and ice spikes roughly the size of buildings, even using his ice powers to launch him skyward to create distance from his opponent.

Speaking of distance, he’s probably going to need it, as he isn’t a great melee fighter. He’s a skilled user of the Amp, yes, and he can hurt people as strong as he is, but he lacks any kind of martial arts training. Cole is a ranged fighter through and through. Thankfully, Cole has a wide variety of resistances to aide him against anyone who manages to get in close. Cole has repeatedly shrugged off ice and fire attacks, taking no damage when getting ragdolled by The Beast, who is a giant monster made of magma. He has successfully endured Sasha’s mind control, which was powerful enough to take control of all of Empire City even while weakened. He has survived being doused with acids and resisted being ripped apart by The Beast’s Black Holes, which break down and absorb matter on an atomic level. He, like all Conduits, are resistant to most forms of radiation and all forms of disease, including the Plague that would’ve wiped out the human race had it not been stopped. His powers can even ignore the resistances of others, such as where Cole killed Kessler and David Warner, two people who can absorb electricity on contact, with his electric attacks.

Even with all this though, he does have one major weakness: water. Large quantities of water will short circuit is body, killing him in a way he likely can resurrect from. Even standing in neck deep water for 30 seconds will kill him, being able to withstand being drenched only for brief periods of time. Furthermore, cutting out the electricity in the areas around him will make him nauseous and give him a headache and he can’t touch most electronics or fire arms without making them explode.

Still, it’d take a lot more than just a man with a hose to kill him given how much raw power he’s packing. Cole is capable of blowing the head off the Beast, who created a massive storm just by waking up and was capable of effortlessly blasting apart Empire City. This means Cole is stronger than someone who could effortlessly wield up to 1.8 Gigatons of power.

Source:

And finally, there is Cole's most powerful weapon: the RFI. This Ray Field Inhibitor nullufies Ray Sphere Radiation, deactivating the powers of and killing any Conduits Cole hits while being powered by it. Even a single shot from a uncharged RFI was enough to bring The Beast to its knees. Not only that, but the RFI also grants Cole the ability to outright fly and gives him an endless source of electricity, ensuring he can never be worn down. And, if Cole fully charges the RFI, it will create a blast that permanently kills all Conduits on the planet, Cole and The Beast included. However, some second generation Conduits, such as Delsin Rowe, have demonstrated an immunity to its effects.

Overall, Cole is a remarkably powerful master of electrokinesis and he’s remembered as one of the most powerful Conduits of all time for good reason. Respect the Patron Saint of Empire City.

Analysis: John

April 13, 2009. The day the world ended. Meteors rained down from the sky, obliterating the planet's surface until nothing remained. Humanity's time was over. The circle was closed and the timeline had begun to fade.

By sheer coincidence, this was also the day a certain young man was born. John Egbert was an insignificant boy. He had nerdy interests, he rarely talked to anyone in his own neighborhood, and he lived a quiet, uneventful, and insignificant life. Until his thirteenth birthday.

While John didn't know it at the time, he was destined to become the god of the new world. And it all started when he played a seemingly harmless game called SBURB.

The game thrust John and his three friends into a parallel world, filled with fantastical monsters and trials to overcome. Here in the Land of Wind and Shade, John must overcome impossible odds, defeat the Denizen, and earn his immortality so he may usher in a brand new universe.

In order to discuss John's powers and abilities, we must first discuss the powers that all Homestuck characters have by default. First of all, he has a Sylladex. Effectively an RPG style inventory, this system allows him to store objects that should by all rights be too big for him to carry on his person in a form of hammerspace. However, he has limited inventory slots, so if he tries to pick anything up while his inventory is full, the object at the bottom of his Sylladex will be sent flying out.

Secondly, Homestuck runs on a leveling system. Any action John performs, ranging from winning a fight to opening the fridge pushes him further up the Echeladder, increasing his physical abilities significantly. This ensures that John will always be growing stronger, as over the course of a single day, John went from struggling against small imps to regularly defeating giant monsters.

John also carries on him a special pendant with which he can summon his assistant Nannasprite. Sprites are ghost-like helpers generated by SBURB, created to assist their players and give them cryptic advice on how to proceed. Nannasprite in particular was created from John's Nanna fusing with a clown doll he got from his birthday. Sprites are capable of flight (due to lacking legs), selective Intangibility, and are caoable of fighting superhuman opponents on John's level at their weakest, with their overall power level depending on what they've been fused with. Nannasprite can create objects and heal John in combat, though if she touches anything for too long, she'll unwillingly fuse with it permanently.

John is also proficient in alchemy, through which he's created a wide variety of weapons and tools. These include gushers that heal his injuries, a jetpack he can use for flight, and two gauntlets which create large hands that help him lift extremely heavy objects and wield weapons he normally can't. He is most reliant, however, on his wide assortment of hammers.

These include:

The Pogo Hammer, which allows him to fling himself high into the air

Fear No Anvil: A hammer which temporarily freezes an opponent in time upon striking them.

Pop-A-Matic Vrillyhoo: A hammer which is capable of oneshotting most opponents on his level and inflicts a random status effect on whoever it hits, ranging from decapitating them with a guillotine to just giving them a stupid hat.

Among many others.

However, John's most devastating attack is his Windy Thing. This massive tornado is powerful enough to put out a fire that covered the entire planet of LOWAS, sending even John himself hurling over the horizon. This storm generated up to 1.6 gigatons of force, which John tanked without a scratch on him.

Source:

While John may have started out as a regular child, he certainly didn't end that way. He went from an ordinary young man to a legendary hero in the span of a single day, fighting through an entire planet's worth of enemies with ease. Even the deadly and egotistical Vriska Serket had to admit that John was nearly on her lever before he went God-Tier and that's remarkably high praise coming from her. A shining testament to John's incredible skill.

Unfortunately, John does have his weaknesses. He cannot summon the Windy Thing on command, as he has yet to master it. Instead, it only ever manifests in moments of extreme stress. Secondly, while John is not dumb, he is still very naive at this stage in his life and can thus be quite gullible.

However, John Egbert is still well on his way to godhood. His future adventures will span the multiverse and his legend will never be forgotten by the people of LOWAS.

Fight Theme:

Throwdown Breakdown:

Physically speaking, these two are fairly evenly matched. Cole defeated someone who performed an effortless 1.8 gigaton feat, whereas John was completely unscathed by a 1.6 megaton storm. Seeing as how both get stronger over time, I don't see either developing any kind of strength advantage over the other. However, Cole does hsve the stamina advantage thanks to the RFI constantly charging him.

Speaking of the RFI, I don't see Cole being able to nullify John's powers with it. John's powers are the result of just plain old level grinding, as opposed to the genetic mutations that Conduits get their powers from. On top of that, there's nothing to indicate that the RFI could nullify the primordial aspect of Breath.

Furthermore, while both can fly indefinitely, I'd have to give Cole the advantage overall in that regard. The jetpack is inherently more restrictive in it's mobility than Cole's free range flight and if both happen to lose the equipment that allows them to fly, Cole at least has gliding to fall back on.

Both are incredibly acrobatic, capable of large jumps when using their powers to amplify thenselves and both can climb buildings. I'd argue Cole has the edge due to being formally trained in parkour, but it's a minor advantage if anything.

However, John has a massive advantage in terms of hand to hand combat, with his feats even managing to impress Vriska. Cole, by contrast, has none of the hand to hand experience that John does and is primarily a range fighter. Furthermore, if John closes the distance, Fear No Anvil ensures that he'll likely not be escaped. Furthermore, if John does get in close, he'll likely smash the RFI, as I can see him being smart enough to recognize Cole is drawing power from it and destroy it.

On the one hand, Cole has ways of maintaining his distance, thanks to his better flight flight and the wall of projectiles he'll be hurtling at John at all times. It's going to be tough for John to close the distance enough when he has to dodge homing missiles.

I can see John summoning Nanasprite to aid him and draw fire while he closes the distance. On the one hand, I can see this working, as Nannasprites Intangibility makes her difficult for Cole to pin down and John's gauntlets ensure he'll be able to somewhat attack Cole from a distance. On the other hand, John has no real answer to Cole's speed boosts, as thanks to the RFI, they'll last forever and amp Cole to the ectent that John will barely be moving from his perspective.

I don't see it being in character for either of these two to kill each other. Cole has arc restraints while John can knock him out with Pop-A-Matic, assuming it doesn't create a guillotine and behead him, which would bypass his resurrection regardless. However, both have their fallbacks, as assuming Cole doesn't hit John with a grenade, he'll need to get in close to use Arc Restraints. John, meanwhile, will have to contend with Cole's regeneration, which would handily outclass what John can heal with his Gushers.

Cole's biggest obstacle here is that he really has no way of incapacitating Nannasprite thanks to her Intangibility, and if he kills her, that's a sure fire way of activating John's windy thing. While Cole is durable enough to survive the storm, he'll sure be sent hurtling into the ocean thanks to New Marias being a costal town largely surrounded by ocean, killing him instantly and nullifying his resurrection.

However, even that isn't insurmountable for Cole. It's entirely possible he wins this before John can even summon Nannasprite. Thanks to the absurd advantage granted by Cole's amps, it's entirely possibly he'll just Arc Restraint the kid before John can do much if anything. Even if John destroys the RFI, Karmic Overload would give Cole enough of a second wind to use his amp anyways.

The more I think about this fight, the closer it gets. However, the one thing that grants the winner his definitive advantage is the scenario.

John is fighting to keep his father from dying. Cole is fighting a thirteen year old kid. Cole would likely not be willing to escalate this fight any more than he has too. John has less reason to keep his cards close to his chest. He's going to summon Nannasprite before Cole goes all out and once he does, the fight's basically decided.

Once Nannasprite is on the field, Cole is going to have no choice but to kill her. Once he does, the Windy Thing will send him hurtling straight to his demise. Cole can't dodge a tornado that covers the entire planet.

If you change the scenario to this fight even slightly, the result would change dramatically. In most cases, I'd even call this fight a draw. In this scenario however, by the slimmest margin, John Egbert is the winner.

This Throwdown's Winner is...

John Egbert!!

[stuff4stucks]

Hey! I hope it's ok to send this through here

I'm a Roxy Strider kin here to ask for a canon call! I was swapped Dave-ways, and I'm looking for everyone except for Dirk and Dave Lalonde who I have found. So, minus them, the list of people that I need to come home bc I miss consists of: Rose Strider (Dirk-ways), John English, Jane Harley, Jade Crocker and Jake Egbert! Also, we think that our Tavros was a Cronus swapped Tavros Ampora, so if any of that sounds familar hit me up! I'm looking especially for Rose, BUT talking to anyone ever is more than good and you'll have my eternal graititude. which is not much but it's more than what Dirk will give you pribably

welp, if anyone kins any of these guys, pls hit one of us up at @turntechgnostalgic69 (me), @dirkklalonde (Dirk) or @tacetlyguttered (Dave)!

@turntechgnostalgic69 @dirkklalonde @tacetlyguttered

[cartasmojadas]

DirkJohn HS AU, confessions....part 5?

‐‐‐‐‐

In hindsight, John should have checked in with Rose first. It doesn’t occur to him until he is out of breath pedaling up the last hill to Dirk’s house, that Dirk might not even be home. 

He stops to catch his breath under the light of the streetlamp and pats his pockets in search of his phone. 

“Are you freakin' kidding me?” he frowns and remembers he left his phone charging at his desk. 

Doubt and dread prickle his skin for a moment before John shakes his head and hops back onto his bike. It's a character trait at this point; John Egbert finishes what he starts.

He walks the last two blocks and hopes that the cold spring air helps calm him down and maybe will cool him off enough that he doesn’t show up covered in sweat. 

When he arrives at the Strider-Lalonde home, John recognizes the family car but not the second one in the driveway-- he wonders if maybe he's show up at a bad time and if he'll end up making a mess of his confession in front of guests.

But as John approaches the lit window, he can see Mr.Vantas is sitting on the couch doing what looks like grading while Dave is sprawled out next to him with his head on his lap. 

John bites down on his lip and quietly changes his course from the front door to the side of the house. He already feels nervous and would rather avoid the awkwardness of running into his teachers being all lovey. 

As soon as John sees the soft orange light coming through Dirk’s window, his stomach flips and flops. 

He takes a deep breath and taps on the window. None of this feels familiar. Even though Dirk has climbed through Dirk’s window many times, John has always felt most comfortable walking through the front door. 

His stomach is in knots as he stands at the window in search of movement. 

 John’s hand shakes as he taps again. Three slow taps and then five quick taps to follow. 

He hopes Dirk remembers their old hideout code. 

The stillness continues. 

John is ready to accept that the universe has sent him countless warnings against John’s current course of action when he sees a shadow move quickly behind the curtain. 

A moment later Dirk has pulled back the fabric and stares at John with surprise. 

Dirk’s hair is wet, like he just got out of the shower, and his exposed face looks young and nervous. 

As ridiculous as it is to admit it to himself, John feels an overwhelming sense of confidence surge from deep within his chest as he makes eye contact with Dirk.

There is no doubt in John’s mind that the honey colored eyes watching him are filled with the same hodgepodge of feelings he has for Dirk. 

“Where the hell have you been?” John bursts as soon as Dirk slides the window open. 

Dirk blinks, “I was getting ready for bed?” 

“And you came to the window exposed and opened the window to someone who could have been a murder? Those are some unsafe practices, bro.”

Some of the tension in Dirk’s shoulders drops and he rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. Let me open the front door-- .”

“No!” John insists. “I am going to climb in.”

“Why?”

John shrugs, “I know you like the drama?”

Dirk’s cheeks burn bright red. He tries to hide his face from John who can only blush along with him.

The screen pops off with a quick snap and John grins at Dirk while he motions for him to step back. 

The last time John tried to climb through this window he was in 6th grade during a game of hide and seek that came to a quick end when Dirk discovered John stuck on the window sill. 

But one of John’s best events in Track and Field is hurdling.

It’s too wide of a hurdle for John to cover but he is able to push himself up and fall into the bedroom head first. 

“Jesus christ, you have about as much grade as Vantas after a glass of wine,” Dirk offers his hand to John who takes it. 

He hopes Dirk won’t notice how clammy his hands are and tugs Dirk down to sit on the floor with him. 

Dirk hesitates and tries to pull back but John holds his hand firmly and tugs on him again. 

Once they are both on the floor, facing each other with their legs crossed the same way they have always done, they take turns clearing their throats before Dirk finally speaks. 

“So, is there a reason you needed to come climb into my room a quarter ‘till midnight? On a school night?”

John hasn’t let go of Dirk’s hand even though it feels like it is searing his skin. 

“I have your oranges.”

“What?”

“You were supposed to visit my island today and trade oranges for peaches.”

Dirk frowns and tries to pull his hand back. John tightens his grip.

“Are you talking about animal crossing?”

John nods. “It’s Wednesday. You always come over on Wednesday. I left my gate open all afternoon.”

Dirk drops his gaze and lets his hand go lips. 

John doesn’t miss Dirk’s shaky breathing. 

“Dirk, have you been avoiding me?” John asks the question softly-- he already knows the answer.

“I’ve been busy, dude.” Dirk can barely mask his lack of confidence. 

John hums, “So me coming out didn’t make you uncomfortable?”

Dirk’s eyes lock back onto John.

“John--”

He can already sense a lecture from Dirk coming up. 

“No, wait--” John drops the hand he is holding and brings his hands up to hold Dirk’s face. 

Dirk takes in a sharp breath on contact. 

John’s stomach flips again. 

“Dirk. I like you. A lot.”

Something like a whimper gurgles in the back of Dirk’s throat. 

“I thought I was being pretty obvious about it with all of the making out and uh, some of the other stuff we’ve done,” John sputters and has to look away for a second.

“And if you like me too, I would really like to take you to prom.”

Dirk pushes John back and scrambles across the room. 

“Don’t!” John winces at his own volume, “Don’t, please. Fuck, Dirk-- talk to me?”

Dirk runs a hand through his hair with desperation. 

“This is a bad idea, Egbert. Really bad.”

“Why?”

“You’re my best friend.”

“So what, you’re my best friend too.”

“You’re confused.”

“Not anymore.”

Dirk shakes his head.

“Do-- Do you not like me back?”

Dirk freezes and his eyes become comically wide. 

“Dirk, I like you. I like-like you.”

John slowly scotts his way across the floor toward Dirk. 

Once he’s within reach, John takes Dirk’s hands. 

“You’re being reckless,” Dirk says.

“Dirk, bro, I think this is probably the most calculated decision I have ever made in my almost 17 years of life.”

Dirk huffs, “I already told Jane I would be her date to prom.”

John groans. He knows what Dirk is trying to do. 

“Okay, then let me be fucking clear--”

John finds sudden firmness and clarity in his voice. He can almost feel the shiver that runs down Dirk’s spine. 

“Dirk Strider,” John swallows hard, “Will you be my boyfriend? And maybe drop my sister as your date and take me instead?”

[elisparklequeen]

John egbert

Rose lalonde Ascend Descend Rise up Abscond Jade harley Dave strider They all play sburb and end the world

[abattoirscamisole]

m(~ｰ~m)~ GOTTA MAKE MY PINNED POST AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

THIS IS THE BLOG FOR A KURLOZ-SWAPPED NEPETA MAKARA. WE WERE ALL ALPHA-SWAPPED.

I'VE ALREADY FOUND MY:

DAVE LALONDE (ROXY WAY) @tacetlyguttered

DIRK LALONDE (ROSE WAY) @dirkklalonde

JADE CROCKER

JAKE EGBERT

JOHN ENGLISH

ROSE STRIDER (DIRK WAY) @karcin9gen

ROXY STRIDER (DAVE WAY) @turntechgnostalgic69

TEREZI LEIJON @grittycalligraphy

GAMZEE PYROPE

ARADIA MARYAM

HORUSS NITRAM

IM STILL PRETTY FRESH TO THE TIME-LINE, BUT HERES EVERY-THING I'VE GATHERED UP DETAIL WISE AND LEARNED FROM THE OTHERS.

AGAIN REMEMBER THAT OUR TIME-LINE WAS AN ALPHASWAP

WE ONLY HAD ONE ACTUAL TIME-LINE. DIRK KNOWS MORE I THINK.

THAT ASIDE, HERES EVERYONE IM STILL LOOKING FOR:

VRISKA PEIXES

Had the Pisci sign

Thief of Life

<3 w/ Aradia and <3< w/ Eridan

A little unhinged and aggressive but that didn't mean she didn't care for any of us.

SOLLUX MEGIDO

1. Possibly spoke bad troll russian

2. True Aries

3. Mage of Time

4. Kind of a misogynistic weeb.

KARKAT ZAHHAK

1. Married to Dave Lalonde on Earth C, had kids together (karkat please come home dave is slowly losing his mind I think /lh)

2. Sagittanius

3. Knight of Void

4. Glass blower and all around handyman, had burn scars on his hands from incidents with the glass.

KANAYA SERKET

1. True Scorpio

2. Fashionista but with more of an edge to her

3. Got married to Rose on Earth C

EQUIUS NITRAM

1. Everyone else remembered fuck all about him but I unlocked the Equius secrets

2. Prosthetic leg

3. <> w/ me m(-w-m)~ and still strong enough to lift my lanky ass

4. Studded jacket, dyed bronze ends, slightly ripped turtleneck, ear piercings

5. Taurun

6. Heir of Breath

ERIDAN VANTAS

1. Cancen

2. Prince of Blood

3. Self proclaimed leader of us trolls, rough and abrasive but practically had a heart of gold

4. <> w/ Aradia and <3< w/ Vriska

FEFERI CAPTOR

1. Skater girlll, very bright and cheery, always wearing knee/elbow braces and had cute pigtails

2. <> w/ Gamzee, with extra bandaids always on hand for when he got scraped up when he tried skateboarding again

JANE HARLEY

Maid of Space

Bec was a rabbit that was also absolutely giant. Good for her.

Cottagecore/grandma vibes manifested as a person

FEEL FREE TO GET AHOLD OF ME OR SOME-ONE ELSE IF THIS SPARKS ANY-THING FOR YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

[turntechgnostalgic69]

A canon call??? on my blog??? real??

Anyways I was a Dave-ways Roxy Strider, and I'm looking for everyone except for Dirk and Dave Lalonde who I have found. So, minus them, the list of people that I need to come home bc I miss consists of: Rose Strider (Dirk-ways), Jane Harley, Jade Crocker and Jake Egbert! Pls if you kin them talk to me even if it's just to ask for Dirk and Dave's Tumblr I miss everyone ever

Update: WE'VE FOUND JOHN ALSO

Update 2: WOOOO JADE AND ROSE CAME HOME

Update 3: There Is A Jake Now How Did This Happen So Fast

Update 4: TEREZI REAL AND TRUE

Update 5: Gamzee is also real now

Update 6: I should stop writing these as updates. ANYWAY NEPETA REAL!!

Under the cut is the full list of what trolls we've guessed/remembered/figured out so far, I'll keep updating it as we find out more (now actually updated!)

(all the trolls are swapped with Alphas btw, and Alpha trolls are swapped with Betas. for example, Eridan Vantas was Kankri swapped, which means Cronus would be swapped with Karkat)

Aradia Maryam (Maid of Space)

Tavros Ampora (Page of Hope)

Sollux Megido (Mage of TIme)

Karkat Zahhak (Knight of Void)

Nepeta Makara (Rogue of Rage)

Kanaya Serket (Sylph of Light)

Terezi Leijon (Seer of Heart)

Vriska Peixes (Thief of Life)

Equius Nitram (Heir of Breath)

Gamzee Pyrope (Bard of Mind)

Eridan Vantas (Prince of Blood)

Feferi Captor (Witch of Doom)

Also, here's the list of the humans' classpects:

Roxy- Rogue of Time

Dirk- Prince of Light

Jane- Maid of Space

Jake- Page of Breath

Rose- Seer of Heart

Dave- Knight of Void

John- Heir of Hope

Jade- Witch of Life

[thewertsearch]

>John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.

...There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

Give John a break, he's got at least two players controlling his actions and environment. If the ‘homestuck player’ didn't tell him to, than the server player probably would.

TT: Your dad is getting home.

Nooo! Run, Mr Egbert! Save yourself! You’re the parent of a video game character, your life expectancy for this story would be terrible even without the meteor storm!

You and me both, king.

TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.

I mean, yeah. Unless you can capchalogue yourself and stick the card in a safe, I don't see any way to escape this meteor without using the game somehow. Can TT move the bath with you inside it? Maybe she can ferry you and Dad out of the blast radius.

This feels like a stress ramble. These kids were not ready for today.

You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels. Now you just need something to lathe.

Ah, OK, I think I get it. The punched card can turn a basic cruxite cylinder into one with a specific pattern carved into it, presumably matching the pattern of holes in the card. John can then take that cruxite to the alchemy circle Alchemiter, sorry TT -  and spend build grist to create the item, in this case, the blue apple.

Not sure why he can't just use the apple already on the card, though. Maybe he needs to synthesize it himself it to activate its effect, or maybe punching a card’s holes into it renders the card unusable. Like, to unlock duplication of an item, you need to destroy the original item, as in Terraria’s Journey Mode.

In other words, all John needs to do now is figure out how to turn his cards into ‘punched cards’. If that’s possible, he’ll unlock the ability to copy any item he can capchalogue. At that point, he’s just limited by cruxite and grist supply, which should be priority one since it seems to be required for almost all game actions. If he survives this ‘tutorial’, John’s got a lotta work to do.

You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway.

I'd wonder why John isn't explaining anything to Dad, but he only has, like, two minutes to save them from the meteor. Where would he even start?

If you were wondering who’s on top of my favorite character poll right now, wonder no more.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! -- EB: uh...

Well that's not a problem at this point, right? He can use the Alchemiter himself, so-

Dammit.

[thewebcomicsreview]

Homestuck 2 has updated! Christmas is ruined!

Previously, on Homestuck 2: Literally nothing happened, and a non-trivial portion of the patreon supporters gave up and quit. Can this update pull a Christmas miracle and right the sinking ship of Homestuck 2? Probably not, but let’s find out! 

We’re back in Candyland, having completely skipped over Karkat and John talking about Dave’s apparent death, because this comic is only interested in long conversations when they’re boring and not about anything at all. That’s alright, I got the gist of it.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

So, it appears to be morning now, meaning that John’s son has been missing in a war zone for almost 24 hours and I guess John literally forgot Harry existed?

Prediction: This conversation is going to end in some variant of “Where is our son?” “Oh shit!”

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid

ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid

ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

What.

So, I went back and checked, and apparently nowhere is it explicitly said that Harry Anderson was also looking for the Vriskas, so I guess he....stayed home? Which makes sense, I suppose, but maybe a “Stay here I’ll go look for them” would’ve helped. I wasn’t the only one who thought Harry was out looking for Vriska too. 

ROXY: sup

ROXY: follow me

ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way

JOHN: haha ok.

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

Is Roxy....horny? Is the solid she’s looking for John’s dick? I mean, that’d make her saying Harry wasn’t available kind of weird, but I think this framing is a fake-out.

...

What the fuck is that lamp, Jesus Christ it’s awful. Just a cat’s asshole, facing the door.

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert

JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding.

JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

Oh hey, it was a fakeout. Good job, Homestuck 2. You successfully implied something just through the art. Art which, by the way, looks a lot better than the last chapter. There are backgrounds and everything. I wonder if Chapter 15 was rushed out due to Hiveswap and that’s why it was so weak?

He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

I’m not the biggest fan of the way the narration is going JOHN IS AFRAID OF SEX WITH ROXY LIKE HE’S A TEENAGE VIRGIN AGAIN (LIKE IN HS1!) AND IT DOESN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER, but okay, noted.

ROXY: u said ur house is gone??

JOHN: yep.

JOHN: completely.

ROXY: jeez

Heh. I like Roxy, still. 

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

If this comic actually uses the phrase “home” and “stuck” in the same sentence I’m turning this blog around and we’ll go right back to Winnipeg.

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

I feel unqualified to talk about how hard Roxy is pushing the June Egbert thing.

....Is that the fucking portal from Hiveswap under a tarp? Also hi Candy Callie, appearing in HS2 for the first time. One of the Calliope’s is nonbinary, I think, but I honestly can’t remember and I think it’s Meat Calliope? 

JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is?

ROXY: hmmmmmm no

JOHN: oh ok.

JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room.

JOHN: space.

JOHN: wherever we are.

ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now

ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi

ROXY: and by that i mean

ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn

JOHN: right, sorry.

JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain.

ROXY: u catch on fast egbert

Oh thing HS2 has not been great at is that it has a lot of plot mysteries that are supposed to keep us enticed but they don’t really get implanted into the audience’s head (Remember Vrissy mysteriously collapsing that one time? Probably not, she did it off screen and the boys kind of laughed it off). This one’s hard to miss.

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs?

JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done.

ROXY: well no not x actly

ROXY: were in the old meteor

It’s kind of weird how this meteor keeps popping up like this. 

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

This is an unexpected but not unwelcome direction for Callie to have gone.

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes?

Oh, wow, we’re going right there, then. This does seem like a bit of a reaction to complaints HS2 wasn’t shmoovin’ enough, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole.

JOHN: ok.

A’ight, that got a laugh out of me

JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it!

JOHN: i'm so sorry.

JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ):

I like this conversation a lot. 

ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you

JOHN: listen.

JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given.

Quite a bit, in fact.

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

Roxy and John have a good dynamic. 

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

JOHN: ...right.

John’s phone has very good coverage, since he was able to talk to Terezi in the epilogues, as we’re being subtly reminded of here with that ... before the “right”. I wonder if it still works after alt-Calliope left.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

Okay, so we are now being explicitly told that living in the black hole is fucking with the characters and is part of the reason they make such baffling decisions, like Rose not telling Kanaya about Yiffy, or naming her daughter “Yiffy” in the first place.

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

So, the plan is literally for Vriska to be such a Huge 8itch that the black hole itself gets sick of her and yeets Earth C out of its own event horizon to freedom.

This is actually a great plan. 

And that’s Hamsteak. This definitely feels like a bit of a reaction to complaints about HS2, but hey, I dig it, I guess? Definite improvement over the last chapter.

[reallygrossstuff]

Weird request: Some attribute theft/brain drain starring a Dirk losing everything but his cool to a cocky John?

Not weird at all, anon! I actually really like attribute theft stuff, so this was fun to write. Hopefully it's to your tastes, though if it isn't, feel free to ask for something a little more specific.

“...and here’s my workshop, it’s where I make everything I design...”

John nods politely as Dirk leads him into his private workroom, but Dirk can’t shake the feeling he just isn’t interested in anything he’s being shown. How can someone so bubbly and energetic reserve all his enthusiasm?

Dirk wanders his workshop, points out inventions and trinkets, and all the while John’s eyes never seem to leave the man himself. It’d be enough to make a weaker guy sweat, but Dirk’s chill, he can handle it. The attention’s on him, so he’ll keep John’s interest.

At least, until John starts asking questions.

“What’s this?” is inoffensive enough, and easy to answer - at first. The more John asks, the more detail he wants Dirk to go in, the more he finds himself tripping over his answers. He recovers quickly enough, sure, but the answers he has to rethink never come out as impressive as he means them.

“Can you get that down for me?” is a similar minefield. The more Dirk shows, the more John seems to go for the higher shelves - at least, they feel higher to Dirk. Sort of like how it seems like John is going for the heaviest things Dirk’s made. He’s not a pushover or anything, he works out plenty, but it’s hard to remember that when his arms begin to visibly quiver with each item he brings down for John to hem and haw over.

The final nail in the coffin comes when John asks, very casually, “do you think you could bring that heat sink down? It looks pretty cool!”

“The heat sink, yeah, I can do that.” Dirk turns back to the shelves he (unfortunately) keeps all of his projects stored on. “You, uh. You mind pointing it out for me, though? Don’t think I can see it from here.”

(He can see everything in the room from where he’s standing. He very suavely doesn’t bring this up.)

“It’s that big one on the top shelf.” John points towards a device that, while Dirk remembers putting together, he... probably wouldn’t have pegged as a heat sink. Huh.

“Oh, sure, no problem,” Dirk reassures him, even before he’s moved towards the object in question. He nearly trips over the hem of his jeans on the way there, giving the waistband a tug to stop it from sagging so much, but eventually ends up below the shelf. A good distance below.

Dirk gets up on his tiptoes, stretching his arms above him and only just managing to get a grip on the thing. The pose gives him no leverage at all, which part of him admits is probably a good thing, because even if he got the heat sink off the shelf, he’d probably instantly drop it on his foot with how tired he is. At least his face doesn’t give any of this away.

After a few seconds of slowly tugging it inches closer to him, John chuckles gently and steps forward. “Here, let me, I asked anyway.” He nudges Dirk aside easily, leaving the blond to look up (and up, did Egbert hit a second growth spurt?) at where John’s eye-level with the device. He gets both hands around it without having to stretch, and when he lifts it off its shelf, Dirk can’t quite stop his eyes from tracking the slight flex in John’s arms, the muscles tensing and straining at the sleeves of his t-shirt.

“And... there!” He sets the heat sink on Dirk’s work table without breaking a sweat, dusting off his palms easily enough. “This is even cooler up close! I was actually planning on making something like this, do you think I could take this home to compare?”

“Don’t see why not, I can’t really remember what I made it for anyway.” Dirk shrugs, jamming his hands in his pockets and hoping it looks chill instead of like an attempt to keep them from falling off his hips.

“Thanks a bunch! And, well...” Dirk barely notices the change in atmosphere when John’s wide grin shrinks into a self-sure smirk. “Maybe that’s not the only thing I could take home today?”

Dirk returns the smirk, internally crowing his well-deserved victory. “You know, John, I thought you’d never ask.”

Seems like this visit’s finally going as he planned.