#just ignore my crazed ramblings i am so not normal right now

[kingofmeatballs]

Okay people y'all gonna want to unfollow me rn because i discovered who Katya Zamolodchikova is and by god i am OBSESSING you don't UNDERSTAND SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME RN I CANNOT-

[anxiouslyfred]

Midnight in an Office

for @dukexietyweek‘s prompt of Superheroes, I have a page of background for what I want to write and no clue how to make a story of it.

Summary: Virgil is a superhero with a lot of money and no powers, not even full control of his money given it was an allowance from his money hoarding parents. Remus was a Robin Hood criminal Virgil had caught but ensured that only community service would be his conviction. Now Remus keeps turning up and helping, trying to understand this vigilante’s reasoning.

/\/\/\/\/\/\

One day Virgil would understand why weathly gits thought the perfect place for their children to have ‘adventurously safe’ sleepovers was always just the top floor of their main office buildings. It made no sense when their normal days out were to adventure parks, but he wasn’t really arguing the case.

Still waiting for the other 20 year olds to fall asleep was tedious, even the vaguely interesting facts Logan had been rambling about the stars had become indiscernable mumbling by this point. He’d put headphones in at that point although no sound would come from his phone while he had hacked into the buildings security cameras.

The building had, just as much as all the other wealthy companies been subject to thefts recently, suspected to come from a cyber criminal breaking through their security programmes. Virgil doubted that was actually the case, given one of the security team had self referred himself to therapy for hallucinations, completely matching the creations of a man who had stolen from his parents company.

He didn’t really care about that now though, the man should be serving community support in a soup kitchen for the next few months and then Virgil could reach out with a position at one of the law firms looking to dismantle the malpractice the companies were performing abroad. Hopefully that would help put some of the good back into the world that his parents were rapidly draining from it with their money hoarding ways.

As long as nobody showed up in the building he was in currently Virgil would swap to wherever the closest calls to the police were coming from. Criminals had been targetting the poorer areas of the city more recently, making those bad situations even worse. At least the Shadow could be sure of helping the people he respected most in fighting those crimes, keeping struggling businesses from being robbed and giving the people desperate enough to steal a chance to improve their lives.

Before that happened though Virgil spotted exactly what he hadn’t wanted to; a nineteen year old covered in leather tied together by flourescent green shoe laces walking past the security guard to no reaction.

He was up and leaving his friends behind as soon as he spotted that, changing into his costume as the Shadow as he went. His anxiety seemed to mean none of the Grapevines powers held his attention for long. He’d imagine seeing movements and hearing thigns often enough that he could fact check them away, even when provided by someone’s powers rather than his brain malfunctioning.

“I thought we agreed you’d do your service and then let me get you a job working against these buildings. You’d get paid to do what you’re doing anyway.” Virgil stated, staying at the back of the office where the desks and support columns would make him harder to spot.

“Pretty sure I was expecting more charges than impersonation and trespassing when we agreed that. What did you do to convince the company to be that light handed?” The Grapevine countered, a cackle in his voice at how unexpected the lower charges had been.

Virgil shook his head, slowly moving closer, wondering when there’d be an attempt to give him hallucinations. “So you’d rather be in prison for theft and suspected use of mind altering drugs? Because you know the police don’t admit there are powers that influence people’s minds.”

“Nah, chilling in the trash is practically my past time, clearing it up just means I get bigger piles to play around in later. You didn’t answer my question though.” They were facing each other now and there was no attempt being made to touch any of the computers or artifcats that were meant to make the office more personal.

Instead of replying, Virgil turned towards the exit. “Do what you will here. I’ve got to stop the jewellers 3 streets away being the scene of another police killing.” That was more important than some family refusing to use their money for social good from loosing some of it.

Of course the Grapevine followed him, trying to carry on asking questions although that was a little difficult while Virgil was mixing about 5 different hand-to-hand combat styles in order to capture the thief without any damages. It was easier to guarentee community service when nothing was broken or visibly stolen.

At least the Grapevine had enough wit to disappear before the prison arrived.

/\/\

They’d been meeting for a week, each time Virgil tried checking on any large offices the Grapevine would be there, just waiting. He hadn’t done anything Virgil would class as a crime the Shadow needed to combat since making the deal to serve his sentence and then accept the job working against. He was just appearing, trying ask questions.

“Companies like that get every charge they can imagine brought against criminals that target them. I should not have gotten off so lightly.” The Grapevine was musing, following the Shadow off to

“Who said the company knew anything about what you were doing? The owners were just glad you hadn’t broken anything they’d have to replace as their IT teams are already working constantly to try and prevent whatever cybercriminal they’ve blamed your crimes on from stealing more.“ Virgil realised that by now he’d either have to answer the questions or have the guy following him around forever more. He couldn’t decide which he wanted to happen more, having gotten used to someone just treating him like a normal person without all the pomp and manners demanded of wealthy sons.

There was a scoff at that. “If I’m not doing anything how is there any theft still happening? Let those poor IT team catch a break, I’m sure they’re overworked enough already with the nonsense employees of places like this come up with.”

“They are catching a break. I checked in with the IT guys of most of your targets. They worked out it wasn’t done by hacking the system and are playing it up so they can take the other calls they get at a reduced pace.” Virigl rolled his eyes at that. The IT teams tended to be where the most reasonable people worked in any office centric building, which included being the most likely to take any chance they could at slowing the speed they have to respond to the menial tasks people find making trouble with technology. “Are you helping me with this guy or not?”

“You ask that as though the robber didn’t drop his knife 5 minutes ago to stand staring at a monster climbing out from the chocolate bars.” Grapevine might be making a pest of himself in refusing to let Virgil be a superhero without him for a night, but he did have his uses when he felt like helping.

Virgil ignored that thought just as thoroughly as he had thoughts of the others wildly green eyes and lithe physic, moving in for some show fight before wrapping the rope around his wrists in a civilian arrest. He turned to the cashier that had clearly hit a hidden police alert at that point.

“Are there security cameras or can you say the alarm was hit for a crazed man having some kind of violent outburst that ended in a seizure if I give you $300?” He asked, knowing from some research into the Grapevine’s former victims how the hallucinations affected a persons body. Bribing shops to keep the charges low was the only use he actually had for the allowance he parents gave him, although he got plenty of reciepts for various expensive experiences.

Apparently too panicked to speak the shop assistant just nodded, already reaching out to take the money. “Ring it up as a sale of erm, this flight experience, give me the receipt and then do whatever returns process you need to for it but keep the money for yourself.” Virgil requested, turning to check the Grapevine was no longer in sight as he took the receipt before heading home himself.

/\/\

“You bribe people to keep the charges low, and seem to know far more about the people of these offices than any of the other superheroes I’ve met yet never show signs of any powers at all.” The Grapevine hadn’t even entered his parents building this time, just hanging out on the corner.

“And you stand about on corners looking like some sort of specialised prostitute. If there a point to you stating your observations or should I just ignore you and actually do my job?” Virgil snapped back. He’d had a horrible day of pretending his parents weren’t exploiting thousands of people while giving their pocket change to charity for rare artworks to imagine they were good people.

Grapevine jumped forwards then, pointing a finger accusingly, “You’re the son of one of these business families. You have to be, yet you keep becoming the Shadow to fight against their greed.”

“And you’re from the council estate they’re trying to get bulldosed, We have bigger things to be looking at than your deductions of who I am.” Virgil groused, fed up of hearing the flaws he’d spend his lifetime trying to correct if only he could figure out how.

Silence fell for a while before the Grapevine spoke up again. “Will I still get that job with the company fighting against these companies if I break into a few government agencies to make sure the right people reject any attempts made by, which family is that again?”

“If you get caught doing that I won’t be able to make your charge lighter. Government workers need cheques to be bribed and that’d flag my actions to my parents and freeze all my funds.” Virgil hesitated. The offer was beyond tempting. It was some of the good he wished to include but couldn’t while his parents controlled his funding still, but it could also mean losing his friend and crush.

Emotions verses morality always had been a battle he could only separate by chosing which would cause the least ongoing anxiety for him. This situation the thoughts of either had him counting his breathing to prevent a panic attack.

“I love you too, but it still seems like the best chance we’ve got at me keeping my home if you’re actually telling the truth.” The Grapevine’s response made him freeze even more. “No need for those big eyes, Cutie. I know you’d only admit to worrying about keeping me on the streets if you loved me. Now, which company names do I need to look for on those documents?”

The question reminded Virgil of where they were having this conversation, directly outside the building owned by his neighbours. It would at least be safer to talk like this somewhere he could control and know in an instant who entered. “I’m going to my families building now and will be out of costume by the time I’m there so I can unlock it and we can talk where there isn’t the chance of the next security patrol overhearing us. Why don’t you follow me there so we can talk through our love declaration as well as who will need to stop the petition?”

He’d made the decision now to reveal his identity and only hoped the same would be done in return. Love was a terrifying prospect, but out of everything that had happened to him that day, at least it made some sense.

[fanficsrusz]

Bike Ride - Keanu Reeves Oneshot

A/n: requested by anon and its just a super sweet super fluffy fic. Sometimes i need a break from writing smut so i enjoy getting requests for fluffy fics ❤️

Also i hit 800 followers today and im crying 😭 thank you all for enjoying my work or the drama or whatever made you decide to follow me. I love you all

Summary: y/n takes a midnight ride on her bike and ends up running into Keanu Reeves who she challenges to a race.

__________

Masterlist

The engine of the bike vibrated underneath my body, my hands gripping the handles of the beast. 

The night life on the city buzzed around me as I maneuvered through the traffic, the only thing able of stopping me was the red traffic light. 

I huffed not wanting to wait but i couldn’t break the law, at least not again. 

It was bad enough I wasn’t wearing my helmet but I lived for the feeling of having the wind whip through my hair. 

“hey pretty thing. How about i let you ride on something else” I rolled my eyes and I didn’t even have to look in the direction of the voice to know what i would see. 

Turning slowly, i smiled sweetly at the group of guys who sat in their dirty car. He was a grease ball, hair full of gel, teeth missing and as much fashion sense as blind dog. 

I offered a quick wave before flipping him off. I ignored the shouts of his friends as i drove off into the night not having the time or patients to deal with them. 

The longer i drove, the quieter the city grew. I just wanted to get away from all the noise and decided take a drive to the beach. It would be quiet and dark, just what I wanted right now. 

To my surprise there was a bike already parked up and I saw a figure sat upon it. 

As I stopped the engine and parked up a few spaces away and I saw him look at me from the corner of my eye. 

Looking up i caught his eye and my breath hitched in my throat. 

He was breathtakingly handsome with his slightly bearded face, whiskey brown eyes and shaggy hair that complimented his features. He seemed familiar but i couldn’t place him, especially in the dingy moonlight. 

He smiled kindly at me and my heart skipped a beat and my face heated up. I gave my best attempt at returning the smile. 

“nice bike. A Kawasaki Ninja?” he moved closer as he looked over my bike and I couldn’t help but giggle at the excitement in his voice.

 "you have a good eye" 

“you have good taste” I smiled at his compliment and extended my hand. 

“I’m y/n” he stood from his bike and accepted my hand in his. His grip was firm and his gaze welcoming. 

“keanu” i froze and my eyes widened as I realised who I was in the presence of. 

“keanu reeves?” I stammered out making sure i had heard him correctly. “the one and only. Are you a fan?”

“who isn’t a fan. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not a crazed fan or obsessive, I just enjoy your work” I rambled on and he just laughed. 

“don’t worry about it. Hey how fast can this thing go.” he changed the subject seeing how i had become uncomfortable with it. 

I gave him a half smile and walked over to the bike

“race me and find out” how could I turn up the chance to race THE keanu reeves? 

“you’re on” he jogged over to his own bike as I started up my own and moved to a back wall in the car park. 

Soon keanu had pulled up beside me and i pointed down the long, deserted stretch of road that laid in front of us. 

“first one to the other side wins” he looked at me and smirked “whats the prize?" 

I thought about it for a second and shrugged "dealers choice” he extended his hand once again and I shook it, making the bet official. 

“on 3” i shouted as both bike engines revved. 

“3……2 …- hey that’s cheating” he took off before I got to one and I was soon hot on his trail. 

I came up beside him and saw him smirk before he overtook me once again. 

I watched as he neared the end of the makeshift race course and within seconds he had won. 

I slowed the speed of my bike as i gave up. 

“hey no fair, you cheated” I pouted and he shrugged.

“well i need an excuse to ask a pretty girl out for coffee” I inhaled deeply as I stared at him, not being able to process what he had said. 

“what?" 

"you said dealers choice and i want my prize to be me taking you out for coffee” i saw how he blushed and I couldn’t help but grin widely. 

“sure. I would love to go for coffee with you" 

~

Keanu had refused to accept my offer of paying for the coffee and I felt guilty that he also carried both of our drinks over to the table whilst i just followed him awkwardly.

Thank God it was late and the café we were in was practically empty. 

Normally I would have felt awkward and like I wouldn’t know what to say, but keanu had this sort of feel about him that relaxed me and I felt that I had known for years with how relaxed our conversations were. 

"how long have you been riding?” he leaned back in his seat as he gazed at me, awaiting my answer. 

I too grabbed my coffee to hold in my hands as I thought. 

“since I was 15. My dad taught me. He used to love riding them and working on them. Sometimes I thought he wanted a son with how he treated me, but I learned so much from him” I got lost in thought as I pictured him and keanu smiled at how fondly I spoke of my father. 

“maybe I should meet him. He could teach me a thing or two” my smile faulted and keanu noticed as he leaned forward to try and read my eyes. 

“my-um- my father died a few years back. Hit and run” I felt the tears sting my eyes and keanu placed his warm hand over mine. 

It was soothing and I felt myself relax into his touch. 

“I’m so sorry” I shook my head, pushing the tears away and my smile returned as I carried on the conversation. 

“what were you doing out here anyway?” I asked suddenly, not wanting to talk about my father any longer. 

He stared at me momentarily as he checked to see if I was truly okay and once he was satisfied, he spoke. 

“I just needed to get away from it all. Have some quiet me time.”

“I’m sorry I disturbed you then. Maybe i should go. ” I moved to stand but he grabbed my shoulder stopping me from going anywhere. 

“no, it was a nice surprises actually. It’s not often I get to have a bit of fun without being swarmed with people” Igiggled and once again relaxed in his company. 

“what about you? Why are you out here?”

“well, I was actually going to stay home but my roommate bought some guy home and yeah i just couldn’t stay there with all that… Noise. I originally wanted to go to the cinema to watch a film, but I felt awkward going by myself" 

Keanu stared at me before laughing. 

"what?” I questioned

“nothing. Hey how about i go to the cinema with you? Then you wouldn’t feel awkward” he looked down at his cup, almost embarrassed with what he asked. 

I leaned closer to him bravely “are you asking me on a date Mr Reeves?” he looked up at me and his eyes flickered down to my lips before meeting my eyes again. 

“yes. Yes i am”

“well, I would love to go on a date with you” i leaned closer and placed a kiss on his cheek, his stubble rough on my face. 

I felt his skin heat up underneath my lips and the smile on his face widened into a grin. 

“but on one condition, I will pay this time” I gave him a challenging look and he laughed. 

“fine, but i get to pay for the date after that”.

The end

_______

Taglist

@gwenebear @celestiaelisia @blondieee-me

[meimi-haneoka]

Incoherent thoughts on Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 35

YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONE AND I WOULDN’T POST ANYTHING ABOUT THE NEW CHAPTER OF CLEAR CARD, UH??? XDDD

Instead, you’ll have to stand another one of my ramblings because BOY I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. Under the cut for the lucky souls who haven’t read anything yet!

(Raw scans used in the post by @horitsuba)

I’d like to start from the happy splash page, because it’s really adorable and....well, it’s almost the only happy thing of this chapter. Sakura and Syaoran dressed and acting like in a Mary Poppins musical or something really soothes our soul <3

THE PITS OF HELL®

What to say. Sakura basically lives Akiho’s past on her skin and I’m.... I mean, we had to pass through this. Akiho’s past wasn’t complete and sooner or later we had to see what they did and how exactly they turned her into a half-human, half-doll enabled to write on herself all the magic she comes in contact with. It’s part of the plot and we had to go through it. But. Actually seeing SAKURA, of all people (lord knows how much we love her) impersonating AKIHO (lord knows how much I love her), floating over that altar, in a scene that looks between a sacrificing ritual and a laboratory experiment, made my heart hurt. A lot. BUT it’s not over. On top of all of this, ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, they had to stage it like a page straight from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle. Why, there’s no feathers, no wings, then what? Well, I guess it’s Akiho’s dress, floating all around. Or the fact that these people are messing with her body and her soul (if she ends up absorbing too much magic, her soul will implode), and that Sakura looks SO DAMN much like Sakura-hime in that panel. Her hair, her profile, all reminds me of Sakura-hime. And it’s only normal! Mind you, I’m not saying there’s any tie to it just because of this. But I don’t think I’m too wrong when I say that CLAMP might have done it on purpose AGAIN. So, fuck you again, CLAMP! And now let me express how much I loathe these pieces of sh*t right above. Because, do you want to know why they started the “blank book” craze? Because a bored boy, consulted on the matter, said the first thing that came to his mind, in his usual snotty way. Yuna D. Kaito was a literal child when he was consulted about Akiho’s (nonexistent) powers, although being the strongest one of the Association. He said “eh, she’s just like a blank book” and those brainless jerks took it literally. This also opens a new theory about Kaito: he might be doing what he’s doing out of remorse, for something he said and couldn’t control outside of him. The deeds of the Association + the Squid Clan are the very proof the evil has made its entrance in the CCS world. But worry not: the challenge will be even harder, but I’m sure Sakura will be able to purify the story from their contamination.

The first thing I decided

In the real world, Kaito and Momo recognize that it wasn’t Akiho the one talking, but the people of the Association + Akiho’s clan. This is for them the first time seeing Akiho loosing consciousness and trying to steal Sakura’s powers, even though it kinda already happened in Fujitaka’s library (but they weren’t there). From the new information given, we now know this is absolutely something that cannot happen: both for Sakura and for Akiho too, who would die as a human being if she were to absorb Sakura’s tremendous amount of power. It is clear as the day that Kaito will not allow any of that, because he cares for Akiho. And the clarification is finally crystallized in Kaito’s memory of their first (?) meeting: Akiho is still a kid, already capable to read, while he looks more or less of Syaoran and Sakura’s current age, or 1 year older maximum. His face rounder, his eyes bigger and kind. Akiho is surprised and I can almost imagine her reaction after this: “Is this person really talking to me???” Think what you want, but I can’t help but being happy that Akiho found Kaito in her life. We have yet to see how he went from “I don’t care” to “I’d give my life for her”. Yes. Kaito decides to stop the time of Akiho’s book as an emergency solution, preventing her from going “intercom-mode” everytime she comes in contact with magic. Momo is freaking out again, reminding him of what it means to meddle with time magic, but he doesn’t care. He took a decision that day. The very first thing he decided by himself. Until then, he only went with the flow, he accepted going into the Association not because he wanted to, but because he didn’t feel strongly against it. But Akiho, Akiho’s situation was the first thing that shook him enough for him to care. Kaito says that he still got enough life left to perform this spell, and in his smile it’s clear that he doesn’t care about the price he has to pay. This might be the last time he’ll be able to perform time magic. For sure he can’t go on much longer. And while this effort might save Akiho, will he kill her with grief for his premature disappearance? Momo is very angry at Kaito, and this is the reason why.

Heart hurts

Kaito rewinds time for a few minutes successfully and we’re back at the YamaChiha scene, when Sakura suddenly glomps Akiho out of nowhere, towels dropping to the ground, starting to cry. She’s visibly shaken, and nobody understands what the hell happened to her, even Sakura herself.  But we do. Sakura’s power might be so strong that she’s starting to counter the effects of Kaito’s time magic, so her body and heart survived the time-rewinding. She’s still not conscious of her emotions, but when her brain will join in overthrowing Kaito’s magic, his tricks won’t work to keep her “ignorant” of the situation anymore.

Needless to say, Syaoran is worried sick, so much that he walks her home after school, and he CALLS HER exactly 2 minutes after leaving her, with her house still in sight. He says he’s still worried. Sakura says that as an apology for making them worry, she’ll bring some homemade sweets the day after (again the homemade thematic surfacing), and that she will try to explain to him what happened back at school, when she’ll find the words. The chapter ends with her iconic zettai daijoubu da yo, and we’re supposed to be relieved by that, but I’ve heard many people feeling still uneasy after reading this chapter. It’s absolutely worth mentioning that both Kero and Suppi freak out when they see Sakura returning with puffy red eyes, and I found especially cute that Suppi was so worried too. She’s really loved by everyone!

Now, I know Kaito rewound time again, but I think this time is slightly less meaningless. Cause of course Sakura couldn’t stay in that nightmare any longer. At some point time would have to flow again and Akiho would have absorbed Sakura’s power, determining the end (?) for both girls. They’re in a shitty situation and Kaito only seems to be able to put patches on it, but for how long? Am I enjoying this more serious turn of Clear Card? Yes I am. Especially cause I know that in the end everything will be ok, so I enjoy biting my nails (and screaming at the Squids, of course!) in the meantime. Thank you for staying with me for this rant too!! Let me know your thoughts, as always!

[endoftheworldpaul]

It's still technically Wednesday for me so looks like we got another close call update!

@dbhrarepairs Here's my submission for day 3, wrong blind date.

Both Convin and Elijah/Leo bc I shouldn't brainstorm when I'm tired.

If you would rather read on AO3, you can click here!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20611682 

Again, I apologize, but I'm having serious troubles with getting the read more break in here if anyone has tips I'm willing to listen Google isn't helping.

EDIT: I FIGURED IT OUT. Well, really, I just went on my laptop bc mobile, for all its benefits for my schedule, is super confusing when it wants to be.

Usually, Nines is rather reliable. Always prepared, always punctual, always one step ahead of everyone else. 

Just not this week. Finals week had, as always, was hellish for most students. Even Nines felt some of the end of the year panic. And by some, it was more along the lines of going into an over-studying craze. 

One problem that accompanies what his close friends have dubbed The Dark Ages is that he takes on too many extra projects in a failing attempt to distract himself. 

One such project is promising four very confused and stressed friends to set them up on blind dates. Four friends that, he decided, needed something new to distract from the stresses of life. 

Friend number one—Gavin Reed, a police officer closing in on his second year out of police academy—was the one who unintentionally gave Nines the idea to play matchmaker. 

On a cold Friday evening, their weekly "chill day," Gavin was complaining about his coworkers, as usual. 

"So, there's this new guy, a transfer from Dearborn, who is so fuckin' annoying. Dude spends his entire fucking break, I shit you not, to gush about his wife. Just got married. Who cares? Lotsa people get married, why should it be such a big deal? So I say to him, "Why don't you spend less time rambling on about the missus, and more time solving fucking crimes?" And the asshole has the gall to tell me that I'd change my mind if I could keep someone around for more than a week! What a dick right?" 

While Nines loved spending time with Gavin, he made conversations interesting and he was honest, he got into moods and would, for lack of a better word, be a huge bitch about things he didn't agree with. 

Nines shot a glance towards Gavin, taking in his position sprawled out on Nines' couch, one leg dangling off the edge, fiddling with his phone. "I suppose the only option would be to prove him wrong then. Show that you can 'keep someone around for more than a week' and rub it in his face, good ol' Gavin Reed style." He scowled, "But who would be this mystery date?"

Gavin looked up from his phone, shooting Nines a confused glance. "Well, I 'spose it could be one of those friends of yours. You've got like a million, it can't be that hard to find someone who'll like me. Even if I am kind of a dick!"

Nines hummed in confirmation, mentally creating a list of potential dates for Gavin. He had a lot of pros and cons lists to make. 

Friend number two—Connor Stern, a newer acquaintance of his—was the catalyst for the second half of what would eventually turn into Nines' biggest embarrassment. 

Connor had been more forthright with his date searching. On one of their shopping trips, devised when they found out they both lived at the same apartment complex as well as frequently shopped at the same local grocery store, he had suddenly enquired as to whether or not Nines could find someone he could go on a date with. 

"I suppose, since it's been so long that I've tried dating, that I should consider pursuing romantic relationships. Now that I am about to graduate from the academy, I have more time to do so. So you have anyone in mind whom you think I could form a serious connection with, whether it be more friendly or more romantic?" 

At first, Nines was a little surprised. But he quickly overcame that because a wave of excitement washed over him. Since he began planning a blind date for Gavin three days prior, Nines had closely analyzed the personalities of all of his companions. In doing so, he had gotten closer to narrowing down who Gavin's date would be. To find Connor a potential date, all he would have to do is make minor adjustments to his list of complementary personality traits and hobbies. 

He gave Connor a small smile in confirmation. "I think I can come up with a person or two."

After narrowing down his list of potentials for Connor, he had to ask friends if they would be available in the set few days Connor had confirmed he would be free. 

Option one, a close friend and classmate, North Dufay, stated that she had to take over for a friend who was on vacation at the taekwondo studio she worked at. 

Option two, local street artist Markus Manfred, was also unavailable. His father was accompanying him to an art gallery showing in Paris, where both artists would present new works. 

That left one person. The third friend roped into Nines' disaster of a plan, Elijah Kamski, genius and programmer, and massive introvert. It had been at least three years, half of the time Nines has known him, since he had even attempted to socialize with anyone outside of his immediate friend group. Jumping from one project to the next, he had a habit of ignoring any of Nines' attempts at getting him to redirect his attention elsewhere and relax. Nines hoped that, by introducing him to someone new who would match his wit and appreciate his devotion to his goals, it would encourage him to pursue other minor hobbies and allow him to de-stress. 

Connor, who was sarcastic and determined, seemed like a perfect match. 

Finding Gavin a date took a little more thinking than it did for Connor; he had a less approachable personality. Grumpy and irritable, many of Nines' friends would be unable to withstand sharp jabs and brutal honesty long enough to get to see his protectiveness and ambition. 

North might've been a good option, but she had prior engagements. Tina might've gotten along well with Gavin, but they had dated in high school and agreed that being friends was better for both of them. At first, Chloe seemed like she might be a good match, but she had recently come out as aromantic and asexual, so Nines ruled her out. 

The only option left was the chaotic ball of energy that was Leo Manfred, Markus' half brother. When he was younger, Leo had been in a bad situation, but finding supportive friends and a good therapist that encouraged him to redirect his anger to something more productive had helped him find a purpose in life, create goals. 

Now a full time student, well on his way to becoming a psychologist, he was likely to enjoy Gavin's sass and dorky jokes. 

People paired up, all Nines had to do was organize the details of the dates. For Connor and Elijah, he decided that a less crowded, but not isolated café just off of the main streets would be perfect. Or, was that where he had planned Gavin and Leo's date? No, he was mostly sure that he had made reservations for them at a local restaurant by Gavin and Tina's shared apartment. He didn't have time to worry about it at the moment; he had a final to study for. 

Connor had the feeling that something was going to go wrong. Nines hadn't told him his date's name to prevent him from looking him up on social media platforms and form any opinions on him before their actual date. He was just told that his date was about average height, with dark hair, often wore glasses, and had horrible posture. 

So of course, when someone matching that exact description walked through the door six and a half minutes after their scheduled meet up time, he hesitantly waved. 

The man, indeed wearing glasses, seemed slightly out of breath. He hadn't seemed to try to dress up, dressed in a faded gray, long sleeved sweater and wrinkled blue jeans. 

Flopping down into the chair across from Connor, his date sighed, stuck a hand out to shake, and blurted out "I'm so sorry I'm late! My roommate let my cat outside accidentally and I had to chase her down the street so that I could get her home and by the time I did, I had lime fifteen minutes max, and I still had to shower and stuff and then i realized that my dryer broke in the middle of this last load so most of my clothes are either soaked or horribly wrinkled and I couldn't find a shirt that made my eyes look really good and I forgot to put my contacts in and… yeah. I'm so fuckin' sorry, I wanted to try to impress you but I'm doing a kind of shit job at that huh?" 

Connor blinked a few times, trying to absorb the story his date, who still had yet to introduce himself, threw at him. He tried to smile reassuringly, and shook the still outstretched hand. "Well that seems like a horrible afternoon. It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Connor. You're also a friend of Nines' then I suppose?" 

"Oh yeah! Yeah I am. Uh, I'm Gavin. It's nice to meet you." Gavin shifted in his seat. "Sorry again for being late. It really isn't normal for me, I swear." 

"Well it happens every one in a while. It's sweet that you care about your cat so much that you would go out of your way to looking for her like that. What's her name, if you don't mind me asking?"

Gavin gasped and frantically pulled his phone out, unlocking it. "Her name is Dana and she's a menace! Look, she's so fluffy!" He shoved his phone at Connor, who takes in the fluffy black mass, staring up at him through the photo. Her bright green eyes reflect a tiny image of Gavin, holding his phone to take the photo and squinting in concentration. Cute.

Connor smiles. "Well, that is the most gorgeous menace I've ever seen. She looks so soft." 

"Oh she is. If I don't brush her every day, she gets violent." Connor snorts. "Ha, yeah it's funnier when you're not on the receiving end of her tiny little dagger-teeth. I should probably stop gushing about my cat; you'll think I'm crazy soon! So, uh, how did Nines describe me? Because he described you as, and I quote, a kind of tall, dark haired twink with a nice smile." 

Connor chuckled. "It seems like the stress is really getting to him if he could only describe me as a twink with a nice smile. He was a lot more bland when describing you. He said you're average height, with glasses and dark hair and a horrible posture. Which, I mean, at least he's been pretty accurate with his descriptions, even if they do seem rushed." 

Humming in agreement, Gavin asked, "Hey, what do you do? You got a job or you studying or what?" 

"Oh I'm currently in the police academy. I wanna be a lieutenant someday." 

Gavin wiggled in his seat. "Oh shit, I'm a cop too! I escaped the academy two years ago." 

"Really? Oh that's amazing! Maybe we'll get to work together on cases. It would be nice to have made a friend or something when I graduate from the academy. So what do you do now? What's it like, being a serious police officer like that?"

They continued chatting for the next two hours, occasionally buying each other snacks and drinks. Connor was hesitant to end the date, suggesting they walk to the park or go watch a movie. 

They spent most of the afternoon together, before Gavin offered to walk Connor home. Standing on the sidewalk by the front doors, Gavin slowly took hold of Connor's hands and stood on his toes to kiss Connor's nose. 

"I had a lot of fun, I'd love to see you again" Gavin murmured. 

A blush crept up Connor's cheeks. "Well it's a good thing I'm free next Saturday, because I do too." 

"Oh, well that's good." Gavin sighed. "I'm gonna hafta leave soon, or else Dana'll throw a fit. I'll see you Saturday okay? Is seven good? I got a half brother who can hook me up with some fancy reservations if you'd like."

Connor squeezed Gavin's hand before hesitantly letting go. "Sounds like a date. I can't wait. Goodbye Gavin." 

"G'bye."

Elijah was hesitant to go on Nines' blind date. In a hurry, he only said that his date was a smart kid, a couple years younger than Elijah himself, with dark brown, curly hair. 

He didn't want the guy to think too highly of him or else he might want to schedule another date, and Elijah didn't have time for that. So, he decided to show up "accidentally" almost half an hour late. Pushing the café door open, his gaze immediately landed on a grumpy looking guy, maybe twenty-ish, who was slumped over his phone in a booth in the far back. 

Shambling over to the grumpy kid, he asked "Are you Nines' friend? I'm here for the blind date."

Grumpy guy glanced up at him, grumbling a "Yeah that's me. You a little late there dude."

Slouching into the other side of the booth, Elijah quoted the excuse he planned out. "I'm sorry. My car wouldn't start, so I had to get a ride from a friend. Maybe I can buy you like a coffee or a sandwich to make up for it?"

"Well, you don't have to bribe me. If you're offering though, maybe a blueberry muffin and a caramel macchiato. And also a name?" 

Elijah raised his eyebrows. This kid was more blunt than he was expecting. It was… nice. "Hmm I suppose that it makes sense to give you my name. Elijah." He paused. "Kamski." Some people knew who he was. It wasn't that surprising for a programmer as young as he is to catch the attention of mainstream media if they're successful, which he was. 

"Leo. Manfred." Manfred, Manfred. Why did that name sound so familiar? "Are you gonna get my stuff or were you lying about that part?" 

If he had wanted to make a better impression, he might've actually laughed at that. Instead, all he did was not and stand up, heading toward the counter. As he was walking, he glanced around the café, observing a small family, a couple teenagers working on homework, and Gavin? On a date. Hmm. That's something to tease him about later. 

Returning to the table, he expected Leo to still be on his phone, but instead he was casually observing him. Might as well pass the time by talking. That usually pushes people away pretty fast. "You have a job? Studying?" 

Munching on his muffin, Leo hummed. "Mhm. Psychology." Maybe this kid is smart. "Don't worry though, I promise I only psychoanalyze on the second date." Oh. He's actually funny. Maybe this won't be as bad as he thought. 

Elijah allowed himself to smile a little at that. "Well, well, well, looks like I have something to look forward to." Elijah what are you doing? Did you just insinuate that you would like to go on a second date with this guy? 

Leo chuckles and sets his muffin back down on its plate. "Well you still gotta impress me first. Bribery doesn't work with everyone. If this were the second date, though, I'd have a hell of a lot to say about the lying and avoidance of revealing personal details. But, like I said, that'll have to wait 'til the second date." 

Definitely smart. More smart-ass though. That was more appealing than Elijah was expecting it to be. 

He sighed. "Well, since you caught me, I suppose I'll have to share something for the class. I'm a programmer. I'm currently working on developing AI tools that will recognise voices to activate or shut down household items, like a stove that shuts off to protect young children from lighting their homes on fire."

"That sounds pretty cool actually. Gotta babyproof the fancy smart-technology. I was expecting you to be something lame, like a very antisocial plumber or a dentist or something, but you're not that boring I guess." 

This time Elijah couldn't stop himself from laughing. Maybe, just maybe, he'll let himself enjoy this date. "'Not that boring I guess' is a compliment of the highest caliber, coming from someone as attractive as you." Why not go full flirt, if he wants this to go well. 

"Keep talking like that and I'll be swooning into your arms in no time. Seriously though, be careful, I'm starting to like you. That would be horrible, wouldn't it?" Leo raised an eyebrow.

Elijah smiled a little. "I guess it wouldn't be that bad. I think I'm starting to like you too." He snuck a piece of Leo's muffin, then hummed in delight. "That is a phenomenal muffin. You've just been hoarding it all for yourself over there? You are a cruel and unjust monster. Gimme more."

Snickering, Leo smacked Elijah's arm away from the plate. "Only nice dates who ask nicely get to share muffins." 

Elijah sighed. "Well I suppose if it's for a muffin of this quality, it will be worth it. I would like some muffin." 

Leo didn't budge. 

"...Please?" 

At this,  Leo broke off a large chunk of the muffin and handed it to Elijah. "Well, since you asked so politely, I guess I'm required to give you some now. It's good date behavior. Gotta be good if I want ya to stick around I 'spose." He smirked. Then he glanced at his watch, a rather shiny silver. "Oh shit, I gotta go. I'm house-sitting for my half-brother and I gotta feed his birds."

Elijah hesitated in saying goodbye, even as Leo rushed to clean up. Suddenly standing, he blurted out, "Maybe we can schedule that second date?" 

Leo paused, looking up at him. For a few seconds, Elijah thought he was going to decline the offer, but then he straightened his spine, smiled softly, and said, "Meet me at that Italian restaurant off of Main, next Tuesday? 6:30?" 

"It's a date. I'll see you then. I'll accompany you to your car." The both of them walked side by side, just close enough that every once in a while, their knuckles would brush up against each other. Parting with a wave, Elijah started planning what he would do to show his thanks to Nines for forcing him to do this dumb blind date thing, because it seemed that it wasn't as dumb as he originally thought.

When Nines ran into Connor in the hallway, he had to see how the date went. "So, what did you think of Elijah?"

Connor froze, turned to look at Nines, brow furrowed, and asked, "Who the fuck is Elijah?" Uh oh. 

[xxwinterchillxx]

Halloween Dance and Some Unfortunate Events

Summary:

Levi is willing to go all the way to get Eren to go with him to the Halloween Dance. But things get complicated since Levi cannot show any sign of intelligence around the German hottie. However, he isn’t taking no for an answer.

Rating - Teen and Up Audiences

Categories - M/M

Relationships - Levi/Eren, background relationships, Moblit/Hanji, Armin/Erwin, Krista|Historia/Ymir

Chapters - 4/?

Read below cut or read on AO3

Chapter 4: Yeah, let’s go somewhere

Erwin offered to drive me to Eren’s as Armin had invited him along too. I am not usually a people person in general but as we neared the Jaegers’ house, I grew more anxious that I won’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want Eren to see me as complete and total loser who has no friends. It’s a pity Hanji didn’t get invited.

Erwin drove as slow as hell. My throat felt dry and I felt the world spinning. This is bad. My costume sucks. It’s all Mobilt’s fault really. When I complained to Hanji that I would be lonely at the party, he said, “No you won’t.” I was about to thank him when he continued, “cause your costume’s a total conversation starter.”

Yeah, fuck you too, Moblit, you asswipe.

Hopefully I’ll maybe get to talk about it with Eren. Maybe.

 “Hey Levi,” Erwin chipped from the driver seat. “Don’t be nervous, everything will be okay.”

I kind of felt like an idiot to have a meat-head like Erwin tell me to calm down. But he was right so I thanked him anyway.

“Erwin?”

“Yes?”

“What do you think about my costume?” I looked into the rear-view mirror to meet his eyes.

He looked back, smiled and then reassigned his vision to the road, “Awesome! I really like the Pink Panther.”

 Ah, shit.

 ~~oOo~~

 As soon as we reached, Armin came rushing up and kissed Erwin on the cheek. The latter reciprocated by literally eating the other’s mouth. I would have made an obnoxious puke sound but my breath was taken away by the sight before me.

The Jaegers were not just rich. They were filthy nasty downright rich.

“That is his house?” I said on impulse. I regretted saying it the moment it rolled off my tongue.

Armin laughed, “Of course not. That’s just one of their 5 houses. I know, impressive right?”

I was about to nod when Erwin said, “The only thing impressive tonight is you, sexy.”

And here comes the puke noise.

  As I entered the house, I could literally feel social anxiety leaking into my body. Erwin and Armin were outside doing… whatever they’re doing, I don’t wanna know. So I was left all alone, like a rabbit in a predator party. Oh shut up, I’m good at analogy.

The neon lightings and the bass beats and all those sweaty twerking people made me remember why I stayed home during weekends. I could see 2 or 3 girls who wore a rabbit costume too. Except they were more revealing. Much much more revealing. The noise was so loud I couldn’t even hear myself groan. It was a nightmare. In fact, the house was so crowded I couldn’t even see the walls.

In the midst of all those ‘sexy’ people, I felt out of place. I wanted to go home but then again I also wanted a glimpse of the Jaeger booty. So I stayed and waddled through the room to the food thingies, taking care not to let any strange fluids get on my pink onesie. However, when I reached the tables and saw what was going on, I decided the food wasn’t exactly sanitary.

“Levi? Is that you?” I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was so hard to hear anything besides the noisy music. But when I turned back, I saw Krista.

“Levi!”

Why is she talking to me?

“….Krista.”

She was wearing an angel get-up with small white wings and a sparkly pearl mini dress with white heels. What irked me off the most was that she did look angelic. Ugh, she is so pretty.

“Oh my god, you’re, like, so cute!”

I was about to walk away when she started talking, “Let me guess. Let me guess-”

I guess I didn’t want a repeat of Erwin’s Pink Panther so I mumbled, “It’s a rabbit.”

“Aw, you look cute as a button and you’re pink!”

I didn’t know how to reply to that as I just frowned and looked at her in silent rudeness. I wanted to make it clear to her that I can’t stand her. She just grinned back really bright and said, “Hey, come on. Let’s go meet Eren. I’ve just arrived as well.”

To be honest, I didn’t want her to accompany me when I talk to him. She looked like a heavenly being while I looked like a Walmart muppet. Maybe Moblit was right. Maybe I do have low self-esteem around her. After my unwelcome but enlightening realization, I decided maybe I should just go home.

“Pass. I’m leavin-”

“Eren!!”

All that loud noise and the yelling and the all those grinding gradually faded into that background when I saw him. Him, looking like a tanned Greek God amidst the undistinguished unimportant faces of the chaotic masses. Time came to a still as he smiled at me.

His dark blue police uniform clutched around his torso like it was made for him. He wore sexy combat boots and topped the whole look off with a police cap. And he was so goddamn tall and so… manly.

In the painfully slow motion in my head, he raised his hand and waved at me. So I waved back, taking care to smile the smile I practiced in front of my mirror for god knows how long. In the corner of my eye, I could see someone waving as well.

Still in the slow motion, I turned my head to find Krista waving at Eren. Then time returned to normal as I saw my cop running up to her and raising her. Krista yelped girlishly in surprise, giggling.

I don’t know whether he didn’t see me or just ignored me but after watching him chat so freely with Krista, stroking her hair and whatnot, I didn’t feel like staying any longer.

I know he isn’t mine. I know he isn’t my boyfriend. But still, I felt so hurt. Some people just have it all, don’t they? Popularity, wealth, beauty, stealing other people’s crushes… It’s kind of unfair that I have to compete with someone like Krista.

I turned back and walked towards the front door. I got reminded why I should just keep Eren at a crush-distance. If I didn’t try to be near him, I wouldn’t have seen that nightmarish scene at all. My eyes felt heavy and wet-ish but I felt angrier rather than being sad.

However, as soon as I got within a foot to the door, some people came rushing in. I got shoved into the person behind me; I groaned painfully in return. I could feel the person holding me.

“L-Levi? You’re here?” said a masculine voice.

I rubbed off my eyes quickly, not bothering to look at the person, “Fuck off.” I tried to shrug his hands off.

When he didn’t let me go, I was about to let out a long string of rainbow words then I saw his face. A familiar rugged cop with combat boots.

“E… Ere-?” I could feel a million thoughts rushing through my head, most of them just screaming ‘you told him to fuck off!!!!’

And if I was jealous of the way he treated Krista, it was utter shit compared to how he treated me. He still held me in his arms and in order to hear him amongst the music, he pulled us close. I could feel my face burning and my heart pounding heavily.

He first looked at me and screamed, “LEVI, YOU LOOK SO DAMN CUTEE!!!!”

It almost tore my ear off. I replied, “I can hear you fine.”

“WHHAAAATTT??”

That brainless hottie pulled us even closer. But I don’t think he did it so that he could hear me. He patted my head and felt the rabbit ears with both of his hands, mumbling to himself, “They’re so soft! And pink!”

Then he looked down on my face and smiled lovingly. I almost squealed like a little girl. Only then did I realise I was doing my dazed crazed smile so immediately, I put on my practiced smile.

“It’s so loud in here.”

I nodded shyly in response. My heart was pounding faster than light and I could only pray that he didn’t feel it from how close he held us together. I couldn’t even look at him properly, and kept tugging my hood lower and lower. Even my fingertips were blushing pink.

“Let’s go somewhere quiet.”

He didn’t wait for my response as he grabbed my wrist and led the way, pushing past the people.

I thought we would go upstairs or something. You know, to do…. Uh, something. But oh no, Eren was way too pure for that.

As we stepped out into the garden, I felt a chilly wind run up my spine and for once, I felt thankful for my full-body costume. He closed the door behind us and now, there was only the echoic remnants of a pounding music.

He gestured me to follow suit as he sat down on a protruding ledge. I sat beside him, still staring into his majestic eyes. First, he asked, “Are you cold?”

Honestly, I wanted to scream yes so that he could do some romantic shit like hugging me, for instance. But it was pretty clear that I was comfortable and warm like a human burrito. So I almost said no. But I think I took too long to answer cause Eren’s voice sounded first,

“Well, I am.”

And he hugged me, putting one arm around me and his other hand holding my own. I often break out in nervous cold sweat, so I bit my lip, trying to suck in all my sweat (if that’s even possible).

“Listen, Levi, I want to ask you something.”

When I didn’t reply, he continued, “I know we don’t talk a lot. You’re, like, really quiet.”

Then he laughed a little, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we have a lot of classes together and… I kinda always try to sit near you.”

Holy fuck, yes, Eren, I do. I do. Marry me.

“I’ve actually had a crush on you since I first saw you.” He paused for a bit and then rambled on, “My friends thought I was nuts. They said that I would never have a chance with someone like you.”

Someone like me? Someone like me? EREN JAEGER HAS A CRUSH ON ME, EREN JAE-

Then, he turned to me and stared longingly. He frowned and glared at me deeply, his emerald eyes looked so serious. I almost felt pregnant.

“Levi, please date me.”

<<First | <Previous | Next>

[curlywhirly]

A Night To Remember (Part 6)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

            Jackson stared at the door frame, blank. He stood there, processing… processing…

            A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, rekindling his senses. He yelled through the doorframe, “Y-You have a lovely home!”

            “Why are you still here!?” yelled Eric back. Fast, thundering footsteps then came running closer to the door.

            Jackson ran.

            He ran as far as his legs would take him. He was out of breath, out of time, with no remorse for air or for himself. He was lost in this cruel existence and he knew it. Doomed to suffer and suffer and suffer and run. Run. Running away from his problems and desires. Running away from his reality and innate, animalistic tendencies he so craved to relinquish control to. If it weren’t for one thing, however.

            He was scared. He was so scared of what would happen. He was so scared of how he would morph from then on. How he would destroy his foundation and come out possibly worse than before. The chains on his neck getting tighter, a wave of relief washing over him. He cried, the pain in his legs unbearable and numbing. The perverse, flittering imagery of Derrin, undressed, hunched, miserably beautiful smeared itself in Jackson’s vision. Oh wow.

            He was floating suddenly. He was weightless; suspended in hell for ages it seemed. The tears fell, and something broke. Jackson felt it. A deep pinging that called for him to hurt. Willingly he placed himself before his lord for judgment.

            “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

            The world was bliss, the world was pure. And in his soul, he felt peace. Like swimming in his own heavenly sky, he flew. And he crashed. On to flat earth. His face brutally scratching against the concrete again. The nick in the sidewalk, and his shoe a mere 2 feet away. In his craze, he tripped… apparently. His palms were peeling, his knees bleeding, his heart aching. Something in him was burning. He looked around his environment: An empty park. How did he get there?

            Jackson lifted himself up onto his feet and limped away. He needed to keep going.

            As he turned the street corner, a large sign reading “Etcetera Etcetera” pulled him closer. It was the restaurant Derrin took him to on their initial meeting. He was running towards the entrance- when the door opened, a young woman in a black sleeveless collared top stepped out, effectively slamming the door in Jackson’s face.

            “Bloody Hell!!”

            She gasped, “I’m so sorry!” Stepping outside completely and closing the door behind her, she rummaged through her bag, rambling. “I didn’t notice you there, my mistake. Here, I think I have some tissues in case you’re bleeding. Again, I’m really sorry, I should have seen you.” She looked up and immediately froze.

            In that moment he forgot everything. Jackson stared back at her, surprised, to say the least. It was Ana.

            Clearing his throat, his straightened himself. “G-Good Evening, Lady Anastasia. How do y-you do?” Jackson blushed, trying to hide the pain he felt. He hadn’t thought of Ana once since That Night, and now she was here, reminding him of his mistake.

            Ana was more than annoyed to be reunited with her least favorite admirer. She sighed and kept looking through her bag. “I’m fine.” She said pointedly, pulling out a mini tissue box and taking two out. She handed them to Jackson, who was bleeding from his lip, “Here, clean yourself up.”

            Jackson thanked her silently and wiped his lip. He folded the two sheets and tucked them in his inner coat pocket. Combing through his hair, he was antsy to keep moving, the restaurant no longer pulling him in. He could feel a discomfort in his stomach, and he needed to run.

            Ana had questions though. She put two and two together and asked, “So how are things with Derrin?”

            It was Jackson’s turn to freeze. He was speechless. He knew it was her who sent Derrin home; the guards told him as much (along with his address), and so she must have known something was amiss when she saw Jackson was missing from Derrin’s side. She must have known by now and yet, Jackson couldn’t bring himself to confess. He nodded and lied, “Much better now, definitely.”

            “Bullshit. Tell me the truth. Did you guys have a fight?”

            He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Ana rolled her eyes.

            “He hasn’t been able to do his job for two weeks now, you know,” she said, “He was crying earlier today- I had to force him to go home and sleep cause he’s been throwing himself into his work and ignoring his problems. Kind of like how you look right now, you know? Except deserving of it.” Ana couldn’t help the need to insult Jackson. Derrin was by no means her favorite person, but there was something instinctive about her hate for Jackson that made her somewhat protective of Derrin. As if she felt the need to ward off against any form of influencing from the fool before her.

            Jackson was too busy reeling to be hurt. Images of Derrin crying on his office floor, hunched over like at his house were racing through Jackson’s mind. A cacophony of what the past weeks must have sounded like spun Jackson around and dizzied him. He tripped backward and landed against a wall. He gripped his hair, feeling the wretched discomfort of his stomach, expand into a thundering heartbeat that had him hyperventilating. He was on the floor now, dry heaving as memories of Derrin’s smile took their turn at the front of his mind. His vision was blurry, he couldn’t hear, he felt hands but was acutely aware of nothing. Derrin’s laughter soared through his mind like a song. Jackson was horrified. He couldn’t get away, he was being consumed. Derrin’s lingering stare. His Ashy Blond hair. His hands. His neck. His back. His tears. His beautiful, beautiful voice. Jackson screamed. He was suddenly under an umbrella.

            “Count with me. Ten, Nine, Eight…” Ana had covered them for privacy and was counting down in a soft voice. “Count with me, Jackson. Ten. Nine…”

            Jackson was muttering out the words, his breathing steadying out as together, they reached One. He was still shaking, but the blue tint of the umbrella was calming. He was slowly coming back.

            Ana took the opportunity to practice her skills. “What do you need?”

            Jackson couldn’t talk, he was staring at her.

            “Can you move your arm above your head?” She demonstrated the action, moving it up and down several times until Jackson did the same. “Focus on your breathing, stay present,” she added, trying her best to help the man get through his sudden attack. She felt immense guilt at that moment and was adamant about fixing the situation.

            Eventually, after 20 minutes, Jackson was back to normal. For the most part. He was having trouble standing, as his legs still felt like gelatin. He could feel Ana’s glare boring into him, the sweat on his brow trickling down as he tried to fix his clothes. Ana was at his side in an instant, straightening his tie and dusting off his coat. She sighed, looking up at Jackson.

            “I apologize for having caused this. I really am. I let my anger get the better of me, and put you through an awful situation.” She backed away, clutching her bag, “I know you and Derrin were close, I didn’t stop to think that you might be hurting just as much as him. Please forgive me.”

            Jackson tightened his fist, a soft warmth flushing over his chest. He managed to mutter out “I forgive you…” but there was something pressing on his mind; something on the tip of his tongue that he needed to let out.

            “Do you need me to walk you home?” asked Ana.

            No. That wasn’t it. Jackson shook his head, tightening his lips. His eyes fixated on the ground.

            “Are you worried about Derrin?”

            He stopped, head snapping up to meet Ana’s eyes. There was a burning in his throat, and suddenly there were tears. He took a shaky breath, nodding. Ana took Jackson’s hand, holding it firmly in hers. She sighed.

            “Before you came here, Derrin was angry, isolated, and lost. He didn’t have any friends and… as much as I hate to admit it, I was worried for his well being. He was just so overbearing and hot tempered, so I shut him out. I’m still worried for him, but I think there’s a chance for change this time.” She let go of Jackson’s hand, smiling at him for the first time. “He smiles more when he’s around you. No matter how annoying you can be, it’s obvious you make him happy. Don’t let whatever fight’s happening between you two be the end of a good thing.”

            Jackson’s face was practically emitting steam. He was without thought, marveling at the serene expression on Ana’s face. In a flash, he had her hand in his, thanking her over and over and over like a machine. She had to pull her arm away to be free.

            “Go talk to him before he shuts you out.”

            He was back to normal. “I’ve… already attempted that... His father was with him and wouldn’t let me apologize. I don’t think he ‘likes’ me.”

            “Well, then you’ll have to figure out a way to apologize to them both.” Ana leaned in for the last time, whispering, “Between you and me, Derrin has always been a huge nerd for Nintendo. If you want to get him to at least not slam the door in your face, I’d suggest buying him a game.”

            Jackson was rubbing his chin in thought. Derrin had once told him about Video Games, he had even brought his “3DS” to work the next day so that Jackson could play. It was admittedly a bewildering experience, but Jackson was grateful to Derrin for helping him speed up his adjustment process. He couldn’t help the small tint on his cheeks, even if he tried to erase the thought out of his head. “Thank you for the suggestion, Lady Anastasia. I will put it to use!”

            Ana nodded. “Are you okay now?”

           “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you for helping me through this.” Jackson bowed, a genuine smile on his face.

            The two said their goodbyes and parted ways, Ana going home, and Jackson going to the nearest GameStop. There was a weight in his chest that he couldn’t get rid of, but he knew not to let it bring him down again. He combed his hair and pressed onward, brainstorming ways to get Derrin’s and his Father’s forgiveness. The faintest flash of earlier that day appeared in Jackson’s mind, except he didn’t fear it, nor took perverse indulgence. He took a deep breath and erased it from his mind. He had a plan now, and nothing- not even himself- was going to stop him.

            “Wait for me, Derrin… and please forgive me…”

[akedocitydespair]

soldier★game 5.2 // otome // re: everyone

tw: swearing, mentions of parental neglect, mentions of emotional abuse, suicide mention, suicide ideation, suicide threat

At this moment, Otome wanted to wipe that smug smile off of Jack’s face. She knew she could do so - I mean she had a gun, but that would go against the rules. So she just stiffened her jaw and looked straight down at the floor. Her entire body was trembling and she never felt more angry than she had right now. Okay, that was a huge lie, but this had to be up there. 

Oh, he even called her an idiot!!

“Don’t. Call. Me. An. Idiot.”

She said through gritted teeth, clenching her free hand into a tight into a fist.

There went the others bringing up whatever points they could think of! Normally she’d be able to let those comments slide right off of her, but after being called an idiot and having all of the mistakes she made rubbed in her face, Otome wasn’t strong enough to just ignore that.

Either way, there was a silence after the verbal attacks. She was still shaking with so much emotion just now boiling over.

And then a laugh.

Otome Ito was actually laughing? Yeah, yeah she was!! Had they finally broken her? Noooot completely? But this was progress!!

“Coddling?! Coddling?!! Do you think I’d end up as fucked up as I am if it was just coddling?!!”

Her laughter had died down and she was just pissed, staring back at them with that same crazed look in her eye when she had confessed to Suzume’s murder.

“Azumi Ito reeeeeally didn’t even care about me! You’re absolutely, 100% right!! So long as I was smart, nothing even mattered to her!! I could be dead but she’d never even notice that!!”

She turned her attention to Hoshi. Otome was no longer shaking but the rage from her face wasn’t going away anytime soon as she spoke.

“Don’t you dare think you can compare me to yourself! Tell me Murakami-san, did your parents let you leave the house? Were you allowed to attend school just like any other person? Did you parents decide the best thing to do to ensure that you would end up a fucking genius was to keep you locked up in some high rise apartment and only expose you to what they wanted? Did you mother enroll you at some private school only to tell them you couldn’t actually attend and paid so much money to have the very best come teach you?”

Towards the end of that, Otome actually started shouting. She was going to show all that emotion she kept hidden for years.

“Azumi Ito could’ve created whatever genius she wanted!! Robotics, programming, engineering, medicine, chemistry!! Anything she could’ve possible wanted she just had to pay people to make me better!!!”

Her anger eased down a bit or at least she seemed to stop shaking. Even the tight fist had disappeared as she looked down at the floor in front of her. There were just so many things swirling inside that she couldn’t even put into words properly. Her mother hated when she would look down and ramble like this.

“If I had wanted to send a message to her it would’ve been easy… Just show her how much I wanted to die, just show her how much I hate living, just show her how much I’m not a genius, just show her how much I could never be perfect or replace the child she lost seventeen years ago-”

She lifted her head and brought the gun up, pointing it to the person she hated the absolute most: herself. These mood swings were getting to her.

“If I needed Azumi Ito to recognize me this would’ve been it! Splatter that brain she was trying to mold all over those awards and all over her perfect and clean house! Do you think she’d notice me then? Probably not! She’d find a way to make herself another genius, a better child…”

Her voice seemed calm. She wasn’t really shouting anymore and the swirls died down. She just had a blank expression as she stared ahead. 

“But seventeen years with her… I got used to it. I didn’t kill myself, after all. I was able to tolerate her so long as she was able to tolerate me. I had Suzume for support. My mother’s treatment wouldn’t be enough to make me do something like this. I wouldn’t ruin Hime’s image over someone like her.”

There was a smile that appeared as she looked towards the other, still with a blank expression in her eyes.

“I wonder what horrible thing made me do all this. Made me broadcast everything to the world.”

She then turned to face Makoto, the smile had now disappeared. 

“As for your question… No. Making monsters out of you would do nothing for me. Several of you were already monsters before we met, if my research was correct.”

Otome sighed and look down at the ground.

“Please don’t accuse me of wasting my time on someone like Timothy. If you had bothered to investigate, you would’ve found that he killed himself. Maybe I could’ve prevented that but why would I? It wasn’t like he was anyone important after all.”

[siren-legion]

The pale green room

submitted by @the--kaleidoscope

Bradley sat alone in his sparse room, only a solitary chair and bed decorated the room. The only other thing to keep him company was screens around the room which lit up with the faces of those he had once known. The faces of those he had grown up with and watched die.

Each night they would light up, giving the room a pale blue glow. Apart from that there was no other colours which could permeate the room, no colours to cloud his thoughts and dreams of those he had lost. Dreams in turn which could not escape the pale room.

He sat there thinking on the days gone by, on the people he had lost and opened a small notebook and began to write out his thoughts which spilled in a sorrow filled torrent.

The scent of death on the wind, is all I have now. It’s all I am and all I will be, until the day I die. I continue to sing to the faces, the little song that Morgana taught me: Past the world, past the night, past the stars where sea birds fly. Past your dreams to toyland shore, where we will meet again once more.

In return they sing it back to me, to remind me continuously that I can never forget them. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like should I have been taken in one of their places, would they have sat there with me and sung?

I hope so … I really do.

Though I think I am the right one to receive this position, the pit in which I have fallen never would have been right for them as well. It should be me who bears the depths of sin which I have become rather than them. There they can sit watching me from their pillars of innocence.

He paused in his writing to look behind him at a face roughly 16 years of age whose sharp hazel eyes seemed to bore into Bradley. Cutting right through him accusingly, almost in a way ignoring the man who sat on the worn through wood of the single chair in the room.

Even now I can see Robert still watches me with that same look on his face as when he died. That same accusation on his face which still haunts me to this day, when I left him to die. I left him NO! Yes. I left him. I left him.

I only cared for my own survival and I left him be taken from me. My last friend. I abandoned him… When he tripped … I never went back for him … I only kept running. HE WAS THE LAST AND HE WAS TAKEN FROM ME!

Now I have a new chance, I have a new extension to my family with Morgana, Vlad and Joanne. I will never let anything happen to them, for the people I have left behind and for the promise I once broke I will protect them with my life. Humanity shall never take another person from my protection again.

He closed his eyes for a second and even then he saw their faces, all around the room. Though with his eyes closed, they had their bodies back rather than lifeless screens. Among them even Robert could change their expression.

With this he could remember them in the way they most liked to show themselves, in their little fantasy games. Robert as stoic and protective paladin he always imagined himself to be, Rachel was the healer, always looking out for those who were hurt. Arya, was the brave knight, fighting for the benefit of the world. All of them he remembered had wished to use their training to the benefit of the rest of the world.

He felt that was why they were taken from him, they were too good for the eventual role that he was to fulfill. He was always more morally greyer than the rest of them, more addicted to the smell and taste of blood than them. Always holding that capacity for destruction and anger that was to be tapped into.

He opened his eyes again and let his eyes wander over the paper, going back to the very first entry in the diary.

A quarter to the best of times

We were all taken at the age of four, a group of ten of us. Eight I think from orphans and two from actual families, Robert and Rachel always seemed to remember there being parents in their faintest memories, yet apart from black outlines there was never any substance behind their memories…

It was at this point where we finally began to see each other, fleeting glances from around corners, just behind closing doors, but never close. At first I wondered who these people were and how like me they were.

Our daily routine was hard even then, training our bodies to be faster, be better. Even then I think they slipped some blood into our drinks, some of them had an odd taste which I remember my five year old self sticking his tounge out in disgust, if only that picture of innocence knew what he was going to become….

Finally we were allowed to talk, get to know each other and connect and as we did the days seemed to unwind. It was a quarter to the best of times.

The best of times

As we grew we were divided into two halves, each working on teamwork and coordination. We were order to get to know the people we were placed with. I was placed with four others, three girls and one guy. Respectively there were called: The twins Robert and Rachel, Arya, a quick and lively girl and Amy, a strong and selfless soul.

We all found that talking and chatting became our favourite pastimes, we all fell in together and we fell in fast. We flirted, joked and trained together, becoming the family that each of us never had.

We dreamed of growing up and living our lives together, going to sourires, fulfilling our goals. … leaving this sterile and cold bunker.

At some point we all decided we would share birthdays, all ten of us. That way we would always be able to celebrate together and find the time to meet each other. All of the planning we did encompassed so many activities which we could end up doing, so many blissful days were spent in each others company.

During our time there we occasionally got time on the surface, where we could go see things in cinemas! That was such a rare treat and pleased Arya who was the most stifled by the enclosing and tight walls of our underground home. She loved to explore the overground, jumping over walls and scaling anything in sight. Even then she could move better than I can today, her smiles on those days was wider than any I have seen since…

Robert and Amy decided to start going out during this time, whether they were just playing at love out of a desire to match some of the couples we watched on tv or they genuinely loved each other I have no idea. We never got to find out in the end, but all I can say is that they were happy with each other. We all were.

They told us we were the next step for humanity, we were not like normal humans, we would be better than them in every way and we believed them. It made us so convinced we would be able to easily complete our dreams once we left.

Our music practices increased all the time, learning all sorts of different instruments…… We sung so many songs to each others, harmonizing with each other and connecting through our songs and music. We could play tunes together in small impromptu bands whenever we wanted, it was our greatest area of freedom and we couldn’t get enough of it.

We played many games, especially our little fantasy ones. Fighting invisible foes and gaining acclaim throughout the world. Oh how we enjoyed ourselves, living out our wildest fantasies.

Time whirled by, narry a day passed without a smile on our faces. This was the best of times.

A quarter past the best of times

Yet our days darkened. One of us died, he was from the other group, so it didn’t affect us as hard as them. The work had become too much and he died just before our fifteenth birthday. There was no party that day. His collapse took so much of the energy out of our everyday activities, going to the surface meant less to us without him. Even Arya never smiled while scaling everything, her beautiful smile never appeared again.

Then the “purge” of our ranks began and we started dropping like flies. Amy was the first to die, giving everything to others till she gave her own life.

Another went mad killing someone before themselves. After that the screens began to appear, they displayed the faces of our lost ones, their mouths forever trying to say the words which now went unsaid, their songs unsung.

Yet they still told us we were the advancement of humanity… Still told us we were special, that we were meant to pathe the way for the rest of humanity.

Time no longer seemed to flow, it was a quarter past the best of times.

Bradley began flicking through the pages quickly, wanting to avoid his crazed rambling as he watched the others in his family fall around him till only he and Robert remained. Then he had to watch as even Robert was taken from his life. The writing became incomprehensive for a few days after his death, then suddenly it transitioned into a journal merely stating the training activities done each day, hiding the emotion behind a layer of rigidity and work.

That changed again the day he became a siren, the entries just stopped, the days stood empty except for a few lines stained in little drops of liquid, all had the words, I’m doing it! I’m avenging all of you! Humanity shall pay for what it did to us.

Finally he reached the page he had been looking for.

After Robert died they continued to train me, both mentally and physically. They took my grief over my family’s deaths and honed it, all the while repeating the same phrase in different forms. You were are to be the next step for man, the next evolution.

They gave me someone to blame for their deaths too, humanity. I was so grief stricken I believed everything they said and slowly they turned my grief into a lust for death and destruction. Then after the age of eighteen when I became their Siren they offered a way to quench that lust for blood and pain.

They released me every night on the surface above, allowed me to kill who I wished. So in my desire for revenge, I became the hand of death, of fire and destruction. The killer in the night.

Then each morning I would return to my room and sit along with these ghosts of mine. Slowly I became the monster in the basement they had always desired and the man I was died.

My bloodlust over these years could not be sated, I continued to drink the blood of humans I drained or killed and couldn’t get enough of it. For me this was the sweet and comforting addiction of revenge. Destroying humans for my own inability to protect the only ones I had ever loved.

However it drastically changed for me when I was told to perform at the club the company owned. There I performed without my mask to regular humans, mostly I did the mixing as a DJ, other times included playing as solo band.

Over the time there I killed many people, yet one human fascinated me. I have no idea what it was about her, be it her own look of loss in her eyes or the inquisitive way which they roamed about the room. She was always fascinated by every new sight, either way… I was drawn in by them. When we first talked I approached her and after inquiring if I could sit next to her she let me.

Apparently by then she had been watching me for a while and was wondering where I lived, since I never seemed to leave the club nor turn either. Of course I told her that I lived there, which seemed enough of an explanation to satisfy her.

At first I talked and chatted to her to observe what a “normal” human life was like, seeing it like observing an animal in a zoo. At first I always pondered on taking her life, removing one of one of the more interesting humans from the world. Yet I never managed to, I told my anger it was always because I was tearing a swath of death through a different part of the city.

In the end, I began to enjoy the chats with her, look forward to them even and in those seconds part of who I once was poked through the seething mass of hatred covered in skin that comprised me. She enjoyed my singing and began to learn how to sing so she could join me … I would have liked to see that.

Yet whenever I left her and returned to the pale room, the anger would return in force. The faces of the ghosts which surrounded me reminding me of why I existed, to punish humanity for taking them from me.

In the end she made me realise my most important lesson, that there was no real difference between me and the people I killed, except my talent merely made me physically stronger than them.

I finally opened my heart to another person and the company crushed the last pieces of it. They told me they had taken a few humans I could enact my wrath on and put them in a dark underground chamber. Naturally I took the offer and entered the room, feeding on each human I found. Leaving a dull metallic river flowing behind me. Then I came to the last one … It …. It was her.

I couldn’t stop, the bloodlust had taken me and I can still hear her scream ring out clearly now as I leapt at her. That night my anger left me, left and has never come back.

Now I sit here alone, with a chasm in my heart. Alone in the pale room, with only the screens of the dead to keep me company. The only things that mattered to me were gone … I felt like I couldn’t accept it.

All the things that I have done … the trails of bodies in my wake … the beast that I’ve become. All in a false sense of revenge to cover my own regrets and instabilities. I did everything to avenge them and ended up betraying everything they wanted…. I wonder if they hate me?

I would ask for forgiveness … but the chance for that passes a long time ago … I wish the past was different, that somehow I had died in Robert’s place. Yet … Then again I would never wish this fate upon anyone.

So I write this to say even if you do hate me… even if the memory of who I once was is gone… and a demon is all you see. Take consolation in the knowledge I will die with my sins crushing me all alone.

Bradley sighed and turned to the one screen he had been avoiding since he entered the morbid chamber. The screen which contained the face of the human he had loved, eyes frozen in a mask of terror and distress. His hollow eyes taking the sight in and letting it remind him of the promises he failed to keep, of the people he betrayed and he let himself get crippled momentarily by regret.

His greatest desire was to escape the clinging shadows of the underground facility and fulfill the dreams of his friends for them. For otherwise they would end up like him, rotting away as an empty shell in the pale room.

He knew though that he never could, if he tried, he would be replaced and he could not bare the thought of being responsible for the cycle to start again adding to the list of his sins.

So there he sat, in the small and morbid room, kept company by the dead and his regrets. Waiting to be used during the dead of night, then placed back into the basement. A hollow husk living to prevent anyone else falling into the same pit as he did.

sorry this took so long to post, am not a fast reader like sai

-light

[countingfights]

April 24th 2017, 22:32

I just came into my room. I’m sitting cross legged on top of my bedding, laptop on my lap, recounting all that happened tonight so I could type it here.

Dad and I had a fight. A big one. Mom is working the night shift, but I don’t know how involved she’d get. N and her fought really badly before mom left for work and mom walked out the door without giving me a kiss goodbye.Those are a tradition in our family, you never leave the house without a kiss goodbye. She said “lock behind me” and walked out. I sound childish and probably spoiled, but it won’t change how hard that little action actually stung.

Fast-forward to tonight around 20:00.

N, dad and I are sitting downstairs watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, which I suggested. I found about the show here on Tumblr and started watching alone a few days ago, but dad saw glimpses of it while I watched and started doing the same himself. And so we’re watching. We watched a few episodes before dad told us to unload the dishwasher and hang the laundry to dry. N said she’d do the dishes and I the laundry. 

I brought the laundry downstairs and was about to start hanging it on a hanging rack which already had a few shirts and socks on it, when dad told me to move the socks from the main part of the rack to the wings.

I started doing just that when dad said I was doing it wrong. I paused my actions because I was doing it exactly like I do every time, the way mom taught N and me, and the same way we’ve been doing it for years.

Dad said I must put the socks all next to each other and hang them differently or they wouldn’t dry. Funny how they always dried before. Anyway, I continued the work like he said, or how I thought he said, when he got louder and yelled that I was doing it wrong again, that I’m not listening to him. I said I was listening, but the socks couldn’t go any closer to each other or they wouldn’t be able to dry. He got up and started hanging socks completely next to each other, practically no space in between and was shouting and insulting me the entire time, saying that I’m either doing it on purpose to anger and spite him or that I’m just  plain stupid and can’t understand what he’s saying. I knew things were starting to escalate, so I tried telling him that I wasn’t trying to spite him, that the socks simply can’t go that close or they won’t dry and that I’m doing the same as we always do, the way mom taught me. He continued on shouting and saying I didn’t learn anything because I never listen and am only ever concerned about myself. At this point I had backed up because he was waving his arms around and I didn’t want him to start throwing punches because of my proximity. N was in the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher and told him that we do, in fact, always do it that way and that I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I don’t know exactly how things happened next, but I must have said something that crossed the line. I always seem to do just that when I try to calm the situation down. To no one’s surprise, the fight escalated.

 After the argues from both ends (which had to last at least 5 minutes), he told me to do what I wanted, he didn’t care. I started where I left off, hanging the laundry the way I thought was right. I tried moving the socks he hanged, in order for them to be able to dry. Unfortunately he didn’t let me do that. He exploded into a full out rage monster. He started yelling at me in earnest and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore, I “talked back”. I was convinced I was doing the right thing with the laundry and that his way won’t work and I told him so and said I don’t want to fight, that let’s please not fight, why are you searching for excuses to start a fight when there are none? I don’t want to fight, I’m not talking back to you, I’m just trying to tell you that I did it like I was taught to and how we always do and I don’t see how we got to this moment, why are you trying to provoke me into fighting you I don’t want to fight. It’s funny how everything is talking back, even when I’m trying to defend my actions for which even N vouched and I’m seriously trying to hold myself in check. 

When I backed up and away from him, he advanced in to my personal space and hit me. I snapped.

I pushed him away and yelled not to hit me. He hit me again, harder, ignoring my shouts. I pushed him again and hit him a few times on the shoulder, each hit followed with don’t beat me anymore, you can’t beat me anymore I won’t let you, I’m too old for you to beat me anymore. I guess my strength wasn’t enough even accompanied with adrenaline rush, because he pushed me into the nearest wall and I fell on the ground. No wait. That was before I hit him. 

The first time I fell was after I pushed him away from me and after he first hit me. It was like this, he hit me, I pushed him away and told him not to hit me anymore, then he advanced at me and pushed me into a wall hard enough for me to lose my footing and fall to the ground. At that point I was crazed with anger and sadness and the feeling of injustice and years of wanting to fight back, to stop him from beating the shit out of me, so I pushed myself up and pushed him away from me. Then I hit him. And I hit him again. And again. And again. I did it so fast, it all lasted maybe 5 seconds- I guess I lost control the second I hit the ground that first time. 

Of course, that did nothing to him, maybe fazed him a bit, but obviously not enough, because the next moment, my back are against the wall, in a corner across the basement door his hands on my left wrist and elbow, twisting my arm into an unnatural angle. There was a split moment of heavy sadness when my brain registered He’s trying to break your arm. I wasn’t even mad when I realized, I was just sad. Every other emotion was replaced with sadness and disappointment. That lasted for one second, tops.

I started twisting away, pushing at him and screeching, last of my sanity gone flying out the window. He hit me hard enough for me to bounce against the wall again and once more fall to the ground. I backed into the corner, him towering over me. I screamed Get away from me. He didn’t. I screamed it again. He hit me. I kicked at him with my legs, screamed again, louder this time. I continued screeching that same sentence, it became a chant. I couldn’t recognize my voice, It was so different, bent and high ans deep and wrong and didn’t sound anything like me. I was screaming incredibly loud and  I know that dad’s brother and his family who live across the wall (we share the same house, but there’s a wall in the middle of it so each family has their own part) heard everything. I mean, we hear the chairs being shifted in their dining room and them climbing the stairs, and those aren’t loud actions. If I rank the loudness from 1 to 10, those are 1 and my screams were at least 14. I’m not surprised they did nothing, they’re probably used to the sounds of fighting from our side of the house, and probably didn’t want to get involved because that would create an even bigger mess later on, but still. If you heard your sibling’s child screeching in terror and panic for their father (for whom everyone know is abusive, just pretend he’s not) to stay away from them, would you do nothing? You don’t have to answer that. Who am I to talk, anyway, I’d probably do the same. Or I wouldn’t, I don’t know, I don’t know anything about myself or anyone anymore I have to stop thinking about all of this I’m already unstable as it is, god I’m making so many spelling errors right now I have to stop typing.

Okay, I can continue now. 

He did eventually back away, but not before shouting at me some more. I don’t know what he said, I didn’t listen. I sat in the corner with my knees on my chest, my hands clutching and pulling my hair, my breathing fast and shallow. I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs, I felt like I was going to suffocate. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t blink. I breathe normally. I think I had some kind of a meltdown or something, my mind was in rambles and I couldn’t stop shaking and crying. 

Dad yelled at me to shut up. My breathing was too loud. I didn’t even try to listen and even if I did, it wouldn’t work. He shouted again after a few moments. Again, fruitless. He got up from the couch where he sat across the room and started advancing at me again, causing me to curl up even more, thus making my breathing even harder, and sink my nails into my scalp. I have bloody little half moons there now, but thankfully they can’t be seen because of the hair. 

He crouched down next to me and growled at me to look at him. I couldn’t,of course,and most importantly, didn’t want to but he kept repeating it until I finally did, almost a minute later. He was saying something through his teeth, but I don’t know what. I listened at the time, but now I’m trying and failing to remember what it was that he said.  I don’t know how things played out next, but I ended up upstairs, him telling me from downstairs to shower and go to bed. That was around 21:15. I said no. My voice was still weird, even though I didn’t shout. My breathing was still heavy, fast and too loud. I started pacing the hallway. He kept saying to go to bed, angrily, and I kept answering no. I wasn’t exactly lucid, because my reason to say no was that I was thinking about the best way to leave the house so I could breathe again, because there is air outside and I can’t breathe so I can’t go to bed and sleep if I can’t breathe. I had so many emotions mixed inside me and I was crying at pulling at my hair and I don’t even know how I remembered that I have to calm down. I wen’t into the bathroom but lights bothered me and so I didn’t turn on the lights. I turned the tap on and cupped my hands to let the water pool, then started poring handful after handful of water over my face and eventually leaned my forehead on the tap and listened to the water flow and hit the porcelain. But then I remembered If the water was on too long, dad will get mad again and so I turned off the water and went to my room. I took my drawing book, my pencil case, turned off the main light leaving the desk lamp on, and sat in the corner between the closet and the bookshelf/closet thing, I can’t think of a better name for it. I curled up and wanted to wait out my breathing back to normal. Guess, guess, that didn’t get it’s chance to actually happen.

Dad called from downstairs do come down if I didn’t put my sleeping clothes on. I said No. This went on for a minute or so, him telling me to come downstairs or he’ll come up (after hearing that I unconsciously started pulling at my hair again) and me saying I cant’ and No, let me calm down. He came up into my room with false calmness and clenched teeth and started pulling me out of the corner. I fought him and tried to twist away, but then he grabbed the sketchbook which was still in my hands. If I regained any control and sanity, that disappeared in that very moment. 

I have one rule I need people to understand. Nobody touches my drawings without my permission and nobody messes with them. He did destroy a few of my drawings during our fights over the years and every single time my reactions were the same. If I was angry, I became livid. Compare regular rainy afternoon to a hurricane and you’l understand the difference of before and after somebody messes with my drawings.

He grabbed the sketchbook and tried pulling it away from me. I wrapped my arms around it and wouldn’t let go, telling him in a low voice that promised violence if not obeyed to let the notebook go. He didn’t. The pull from both ends caused the hard  cover of the sketchbook  to bend. He wasn’t about to let it go and I saw it on his face that he wouldn’t care if it broke in two, which it seemed would happened in the next 5 seconds. Caring more about the drawings than my pride, I let go and he tossed the notebook on my bed and immediately grabbed my arms to haul me up. I wrenched out of his hold and backed into the corner, screaming at him that he broke my drawings. I told him that I have that one rule, but I didn’t scream it. My voice got really low and threatening and my body was seconds away from breaking into a frenzy and destroying everything in my way, including people, but I kept calm while saying that. Made it perfectly clear. It was weird actually one second I’m shouting that he destroyed my work the next I appear calm (I was so far from calm I don’t know I did that) and tell him about the rule. It was like two different people. One hysterical screamer, the other emotionless murderer. And I think... I think I’d do it. If I was pushed just a little bit more I’d be able to do it. I was on the edge and one leg already above the drop. Now when I think about it I don’t know how to feel about that. I mean it wasn’t the first time I thought about murder, but some rational part of me always knew I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Those 2 minutes? Fuck everything, I’m scared, but I think I’d actually be able to. 

He then told me to go downstairs. I said no. We bickered, me no longer holding back my thoughts I said exactly what I wanted and vocalized the feeling his actions and words awoke in me the exact way that I felt them. No filter, so to say. Eventually, I was yet again the one to let go first and told him I’d go only if he got out of my room first. It took 2 times, but he did go out. I wen’t to my bed, straightened my sketchbook and went by him and downstairs, sketchbook in hand, him telling me to finish hanging the laundry. I scoffed. He didn’t react.

After I finished the laundry, he made me sit on the couch opposite of his own and then he started talking. Usually, this meant he’d monologue for half and hour, dismiss all and every of my words of defense and piece offering by twisting my words and making me feel guilty or at least trying to do so. Not this time. I didn’t let him do that. I calmly argued my points as long as I could but considering I had some sort of break down not too long before, my calm didn’t last long and I was shaking and crying soon again, but didn’t stay quiet and let him insult me, twist my words and make himself the victim and the saint again. As the “talking” progressed he called me stupid, told me to fuck off, said he allows me to draw ugly drawings and put them on my walls, called me stupid some more, told me I provoke him on purpose and tried twisting my words when I defended myself. I called him out on that multiple times. Didn’t do any good.

Soon I grew too tired of being near him and told him I wanted to go upstairs. Oh, right I forgot to mention, by this time my phone and the old laptop he no longer uses and which I adopted as mine were downstairs and the rule that said I am never allowed to close my bedroom door ever again was installed. To no surprise, I was denied my insulting wish to go to my room and finally calm down. The arguing and begging and crying and pulling at hair continued. Eventually, he turned away from me, started Brooklyn Nine Nine again and told me to lie down on the couch and calm down. I told him I won’t be able to calm down if I do that and asked him once more to let me go upstairs. Again, it went back and forth and he said I could go if I sat on the couch and calmed down. I knew I wouldn’t be able to calm down near him and doing what he told me to do, because yes I am just that petty, but I willed myself to sit down and stare at a spot behind the tv until I could go. After a few minutes of silence except for the show, he told me I could go upstairs.

I took my sketchbook and started for the stairs before asking if I could take my phone too. He looked at me for a few seconds, sighed and said that of course I could, phone and the laptop. Honestly, I was surprised, usually I wouldn’t push my luck but it payed off this time that I actually didn’t care and did it.

I took my stuff was already on the 4th step when he stopped me and got up and said something calmly that was  almost an apology. I don’t like his apologies, because it feels like I have to accept them or he gets pissed again and I look like a bitch, but if I do,everything is supposed to be sunshine and rainbows again. Like, fuck that. I hold grudges and fuck everything if I’ll pretend beatings and screaming and insulting didn’t happen. BUT I’m a bitch for doing that right? Of course I am, his apologies are gold that must me cherished and accepted with smiles and hugs and forgiveness and whatnot, because my talking back and my rude attitude and constant disrespect have caused him to react and he’s my father and he’s older than me and I must respect him and so it is all justified when he “loses control”.

We hugged. I told him not to beat me again. He said he won’t. He kissed me on the forehead. I was still crying a bit. He told me not to cry, all very gentle and everything. I came to my room, shut the lights, turn on my laptop, logged in to tumblr and now I’m writing this.

I don’t know what to do. Am I a bad person for feeling like forgiving him during the hug but being so bitter and salty and still slightly angry now? And I just know I won’t be able to talk t him normally or act normally around him for a few days again. And I’ll be a bitch because of that. And despite the piece making and the touching end of our fight, I know it will happen again. I know he’ll forget everything I told him tonight the first time I overstep my boundaries again and he reacts. I try not to do it. I try not to make him angry, but it’s hard to respect the boundaries when you don’t know where they are. A joke?Is it allowed? When everyone else gets that it’s just a well meaning teasing meant for nothing more but smiles and laughter, he sees it as a disrespect and open provoking and disrespecting. Or when I don’t hear him correctly and ask him to repeat himself? Is that allowed? Am I really such a trash for not hearing what you said that you have to insult me and yell? Dad, I love you, I don’t want to make you angry, I hate fighting with you, I’m not doing it on purpose, I hate that I can’t recognize the boundaries even though I try and when I relax too much I end up screwing it all up, and make you angry, I’m sorry, I hate that part of myself. Do you know how much I sometimes hate myself? Or even more often, how I feel nothing at all? How many times I thought about not being alive? About hurting myself because I keep thinking against my rational side and keep saying to myself that I deserve it for being such a terrible, disrespecting daughter? That I have hurt myself? With my own fingernails, with my fists, banging my head against hard surfaces until I’m dizzy, hitting my legs and arms where bruises won’t be visible under clothing, liking the way blood looks on my skin when I accidentally cut myself while shaving, liking the way it trickles out of the small wounds. And then I berate myself, telling myself that it’s not the answer, that I shouldn’t do that, and I feel awful and then I don’t even know what I feel and then I feel bad, because I have almost everything that I wish, I’m healthy I have a family and I still act like that, so ungrateful, when there are people on this world who have it so much worse than I do and, dad I don’t know anything and here I am puring my heart out on a blog nobody reads, as a way to try to cope with what I feel and I don’t know anything.

I want to tell my psychology professor, but i don’t want to and she already asked me if I’m okay a few times and B told me I should talk, but nottell if I’m not ready, but I’ll never be because I’ll destroy our family in the process, and I can’t live like that, but I can’t like this either and it’s so selfish and spoiled of me to say so, because I am so blessed yet so ungrateful and it’s probably all my fault but I’m too proud and stupid to see it and I’m just a brat but I still need a way to vent these thoughts out because, yes I am weak and too emotional for my own good and so I made this stupid blog to document everything and I spent to much time writing this, thinking I’ll feel better but I feel so much worse because I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling and this will so reflect on my motivation and behavior and I won’t study anything because I won’t see the point even though a voice in my head, one of the many, will be telling me to do it, but I won’t do anything except procrastinate because that makes me smile and happy, and I’ll just bang a heel of my palm against my forehead until I’m dizzy again, and another voice will scoff at me for being so dramatic and cliche and ugh I’m so tired.

End of writing, 2:26 am

[the--kaleidoscope]

The Pale Room

Bradley sat alone in his sparse morbid chamber, only a solitary chair and bed decorated the room.  The only other thing to keep him company was screens around the room which lit up with the faces of those he had once known. The faces of those he had grown up with and watched die.

Each night they would light up, giving the room a pale blue glow. Apart from that, there was no other colours which could permeate the room, no colours to cloud his thoughts and dreams of those he had lost. Dreams in turn which could not escape the pale room.  

He sat there thinking on the days gone by, of the people he had lost and opened a small notebook and began to write out his thoughts which spilled in a sorrow filled torrent.  

The scent of death on the wind is all I have now. It's all I am and all I will be, until the day I die. I continue to sing to the faces, the little song that Morgana taught me:  Past the world, past the night, past the stars where sea birds fly. Past your dreams to Toyland shore, where we will meet again once more.

In return they sing it back to me, to remind me continuously that I can never forget them. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like should I have been taken in one of their places, would they have sat there with me and sung?     

I hope so … I really do.

Though I think I am the right one to receive this position, the pit in which I have fallen never would have been right for them as well. It should be me who bears the depths of sin which I have become rather than them. There they can sit watching me from their pillars of innocence.

He paused in his writing to look behind him at a face roughly 16 years of age whose sharp hazel eyes seemed to bore into Bradley. Cutting right through him accusingly, almost in a way ignoring the man who sat on the worn through wood of the single chair in the room.

Even now I can see Robert still watches me with that same look on his face as when he died.  That same accusation on his face which still haunts me to this day, when I left him to die.    I left him NO!            Yes.        I left him.         I left him.

I only cared for my own survival and I left him be taken from me. My last friend. I abandoned him…  When he tripped … I never went back for him … I only kept running.  HE WAS THE LAST AND HE WAS TAKEN FROM ME!

Now I have a new chance, I have a new extension to my family with Morgana, Vlad, and Joanne. I will never let anything happen to them, for the people I have left behind and for the promise I once broke I will protect them with my life.  Humanity shall never take another person from my protection again.

He closed his eyes for a second and even then he saw their faces, all around the room. Though with his eyes closed, they had their bodies back rather than lifeless screens. Among them, even Robert could change their expression.

With this, he could remember them in the way they most liked to show themselves, in their little fantasy games. Robert as a stoic and protective paladin he always imagined himself to be, Rachel was the healer, always looking out for those who were hurt. Arya, was the brave knight, fighting for the benefit of the world. All of them he remembered had wished to use their training to the benefit of the rest of the world.

He felt that was why they were taken from him, they were too good for the eventual role that he was to fulfill. He was always more morally greyer than the rest of them, more addicted to the smell and taste of blood than them. Always holding that capacity for destruction and anger that was to be tapped into.

He opened his eyes again and let his eyes wander over the paper, going back to the very first entry in the diary.

A quarter to the best of times

We were all taken at the age of four, a group of ten of us. Eight I think from orphans and two from actual families, Robert and Rachel always seemed to remember there being parents in their faintest memories, yet apart from black outlines, there was never any substance behind their memories…

It was at this point where we finally began to see each other, fleeting glances from around corners, just behind closing doors, but never close. At first I wondered who these people were and how like me they were.

Our daily routine was hard even then, training our bodies to be faster, be better. Even then I think they slipped some blood into our drinks, some of them had an odd taste which I remember my five-year-old self sticking his tongue out in disgust if only that picture of innocence knew what he was going to become….

Finally, we were allowed to talk, get to know each other and connect and as we did the days seemed to unwind. It was a quarter to the best of times.

The best of times

As we grew we were divided into two halves, each working on teamwork and coordination. We were ordered to get to know the people we were placed with. I was placed with four others, three girls, and one guy. Respectively there were called: The twins Robert and Rachel, Arya, a quick and lively girl and Amy, a strong and selfless soul.

We all found that talking and chatting became our favourite pastimes, we all fell in together and we fell in fast. We flirted, joked and trained together, becoming the family that each of us never had.

We dreamed of growing up and living our lives together, going to sourires, fulfilling our goals. … leaving this sterile and cold bunker.

At some point, we all decided we would share birthdays, all ten of us. That way we would always be able to celebrate together and find the time to meet each other. All of the planning we did encompassed so many activities which we could end up doing, so many blissful days were spent in each others company.

During our time there we occasionally got time on the surface, where we could go see things in cinemas! That was such a rare treat and pleased Arya who was the most stifled by the enclosing and tight walls of our underground home. She loved to explore the overground, jumping over walls and scaling anything in sight. Even then she could move better than I can today, her smiles on those days was wider than any I have seen since…

Robert and Amy decided to start going out during this time, whether they were just playing at love out of a desire to match some of the couples we watched on tv or they genuinely loved each other I have no idea. We never got to find out in the end, but all I can say is that they were happy with each other. We all were.

They told us we were the next step for humanity, we were not like normal humans, we would be better than them in every way and we believed them. It made us so convinced we would be able to easily complete our dreams once we left.

Our music practices increased all the time, learning all sorts of different instruments…... We sang so many songs to each other, harmonizing with each other and connecting through our songs and music. We could play tunes together in small impromptu bands whenever we wanted, it was our greatest area of freedom and we couldn’t get enough of it.

We played many games,  especially our little fantasy ones. Fighting invisible foes and gaining acclaim throughout the world.  Oh, how we enjoyed ourselves, living out our wildest fantasies.  

Time whirled by, narry a day passed without a smile on our faces. This was the best of times.

A quarter past the best of times

Yet our days darkened. One of us died, he was from the other group, so it didn’t affect us as hard as them. The work had become too much and he died just before our fifteenth birthday. There was no party that day.

His collapse took so much of the energy out of our everyday activities, going to the surface meant less to us without him. Even Arya never smiled while scaling everything, her beautiful smile never appeared again.  

Then the “purge” of our ranks began and we started dropping like flies. Amy was the first to die, giving everything to others till she gave her own life.   

Another went mad killing someone before themselves. After that the screens began to appear, they displayed the faces of our lost ones, their mouths forever trying to say the words which now went unsaid, their songs unsung.

Yet they still told us we were the advancement of humanity… Still told us we were special, that we were meant to pathe the way for the rest of humanity.

Time no longer seemed to flow, it was a quarter past the best of times.

Bradley began flicking through the pages quickly, wanting to avoid his crazed rambling as he watched the others in his family fall around him till only he and Robert remained. Then he had to watch as even Robert was taken from his life. The writing became incomprehensive for a few days after his death, then suddenly it transitioned into a journal merely stating the training activities done each day, hiding the emotion behind a layer of rigidity and work.

That changed again the day he became a siren, the entries just stopped, the days stood empty except for a few lines stained in little drops of liquid, all had the words, I’m doing it! I’m avenging all of you! Humanity shall pay for what it did to us.

Finally, he reached the page he had been looking for.

After Robert died they continued to train me, both mentally and physically. They took my grief over my family's deaths and honed it, all the while repeating the same phrase in different forms. You were are to be the next step for man, the next evolution.

They gave me someone to blame for their deaths too, humanity. I was so grief stricken I believed everything they said and slowly they turned my grief into a lust for death and destruction. Then after the age of eighteen when I became their Siren they offered a way to quench that lust for blood and pain.

They released me every night on the surface above, allowed me to kill who I wished. So in my desire for revenge, I became the hand of death, of fire and destruction. The killer in the night.

Then each morning I would return to my room and sit along with these ghosts of mine. Slowly I became the monster in the basement they had always desired and the man I died.

My bloodlust over these years could not be sated, I continued to drink the blood of humans I drained or killed and couldn’t get enough of it. For me, this was the sweet and comforting addiction of revenge. Destroying humans for my own inability to protect the only ones I had ever loved.

However, it drastically changed for me when I was told to perform at the club the company owned. There I performed without my mask to regular humans, mostly I did the mixing as a DJ, other times included playing as a solo band.

Over the time there I killed many people, yet one human fascinated me. I have no idea what it was about her, be it her own look of loss in her eyes or the inquisitive way which they roamed about the room. She was always fascinated by every new sight, either way… I was drawn in by them. When we first talked I approached her and after inquiring if I could sit next to her she let me.

Apparently, by then she had been watching me for a while and was wondering where I lived since I never seemed to leave the club nor turn either. Of course, I told her that I lived there, which seemed enough of an explanation to satisfy her.

At first, I talked and chatted with her to observe what a “normal” human life was like, seeing it like observing an animal in a zoo. At first, I always pondered on taking her life, removing one of one of the more interesting humans from the world. Yet I never managed to, I told my anger it was always because I was tearing a swath of death through a different part of the city.

In the end, I began to enjoy the chats with her, look forward to them even and in those seconds part of who I once was poked through the seething mass of hatred covered in skin that comprised me. She enjoyed my singing and began to learn how to sing so she could join me … I would have liked to see that.

Yet whenever I left her and returned to the pale room, the anger would return in force. The faces of the ghosts which surrounded me reminding me of why I existed, to punish humanity for taking them from me.

In the end, she made me realise my most important lesson, that there was no real difference between me and the people I killed, except my talent merely made me physically stronger than them.

I finally opened my heart to another person and the company crushed the last pieces of it. They told me they had taken a few humans I could enact my wrath on and put them in a dark underground chamber. Naturally, I took the offer and entered the room, feeding on each human I found. Leaving a dull metallic river flowing behind me. Then I came to the last one … It …. It was her.

I couldn’t stop, the bloodlust had taken me and I can still hear her scream ring out clearly now as I leapt at her. That night my anger left me, left and has never come back.

Now I sit here alone, with a chasm in my heart. Alone in the pale room, with only the screens of the dead to keep me company. The only things that mattered to me were gone … I felt like I couldn’t accept it.

All the things that I have done … the trails of bodies in my wake … the beast that I’ve become. All in a false sense of revenge to cover my own regrets and instabilities. I did everything to avenge them and ended up betraying everything they wanted…. I wonder if they hate me?

I would ask for forgiveness … but the chance for that passes a long time ago … I wish the past was different, that somehow I had died in Robert's place. Yet … Then again I would never wish this fate upon anyone.  

So I write this to say even if you do hate me… even if the memory of who I once was is gone… and a demon is all you see.  Take consolation in the knowledge I will die with my sins crushing me all alone.  

Bradley sighed and turned to the one screen he had been avoiding since he entered the morbid chamber.  The screen which contained the face of the human he had loved, eyes frozen in a mask of terror and distress. His hollow eyes taking the sight in and letting it remind him of the promises he failed to keep, of the people he betrayed and he let himself get crippled momentarily by regret.

His greatest desire was to escape the clinging shadows of the underground facility and fulfill the dreams of his friends for them.  For otherwise, they would end up like him, rotting away as an empty shell in the pale room.  

He knew though that he never could, if he tried, he would be replaced and he could not bare the thought of being responsible for the cycle to start again adding to the list of his sins.  

So there he sat, in the small and morbid room, kept company by the dead and his regrets. Waiting to be used during the dead of night, then placed back into the basement.  A hollow husk living to prevent anyone else falling into the same pit as he did.

@siren-legion