#just that friendship lets itself expand to include other forms of love

[always-a-joyful-note]

Do you ever think about MEZZO'' and their character development and go insane? Do you ever think about how these two guys who grew up in opposite ways economically both came into the industry with broken families? Do you ever think about how they were so sure they would never get along beyond friendly coworkers but also both wanted to try so hard to get along well with the other? You ever think about how Sogo was so afraid to mess up that he constantly held himself back? Do you think about how Tamaki wanted to learn but had to push past his entire life of putting himself first? Do you think about how they supported each other during the other's reconnecting with their families and, when those families abandoned them, promised to stay with the other?

Just....MEZZO slowly becoming this thing between a real friendship and a family. Not best friends, like they said once, but maybe unbreakable friends

[travelgrades]

The Art of Hobbies: Creative Activities to Express Yourself and Relieve Stress

Designed by FreePik

Dive into the world of hobbies and discover how they enhance relaxation and reduce stress. Explore a range of engaging activities to balance work and personal growth.

During these times of increased competition, most people seek ways to relax in the form of enjoyable activities during their free time, after a whole week of hard work or study. One of those pleasant occupations can be a hobby.

Hobbies have been around for centuries, although the word "hobby" was not used until the 16th century. Albert Einstein, for instance, enjoyed playing music as a hobby, while Winston Churchill was known for his love of painting. And Napoleon Bonaparte had a keen interest in strategy games, particularly chess - which, we all have to agree, makes a lot of sense... Unless the name of the game is Waterloo.

Well, but the question is: "Do you have a hobby?", do you find contentment, real amusement doing something? Busy people with their tight schedule usually do not, even though a large quantity of psychological studies have concluded that having a hobby can be incredibly beneficial for various aspects of well-being and the overall quality of life.

In addition to the joy of the hobby itself, these are some of the reasons why keeping a hobby is important:

Stress Relief Engaging in a hobby can serve as a form of reducing or avoiding stress, by providing relaxation and enjoyment. Pursuing a hobby can help to decrease stress levels and promote feelings of calmness. It is worthy to note that stress can affect physical, mental, and emotional health.

Tranquility Some hobbies require concentration and individuals become completely absorbed in the activities, leading to tranquility and satisfaction. They can also improve creativity.

Personal Development Hobbies can boost self-confidence as people notice they are making progress and achieving goals, expanding their knowledge and self-esteem. Individuals learn new skills and learn to successfully control or deal with something.

Mental Stability Pursuing a hobby can have a positive impact on mental stability, offering distraction from pessimistic thoughts and everyday worries. Hobbies can provide a sense of relaxation and accomplishment, avoiding depression and anxiety.

Socializing: Some hobbies provide opportunities for social interaction and for connecting with others who share similar interests. Those types of hobbies can help developing friendships and good relations with other people, providing for social inclusion.

Work-Life Balance People should care about maintaining a reasonable and healthy work-life balance by finding a means to escape the pressures from the demands of responsibilities and work. Enjoying a hobby helps cultivate a sense of steadiness, encouraging individuals to establish a consistent schedule and maintain the discipline needed to allocate time for it regularly.

Hobbies are a very diverse set of activities and a list of the most common ones would include reading, gardening, painting, drawing, crafting, playing instruments, collecting items, fishing, playing board games, tapestry weaving, photography and many others.

Designed by FreePik

There are hundreds of pleasant hobbies to pick up out there, so people can always find something they like.

But there also some quite weird hobbies, like collecting in-flight sick bags when boarding a flight ( let's just assume they are all empty ).

And the list of weird leisure activities also include collecting antique typewriters (most of them very heavy), carving Pokémon, toy voyaging, that is, sending one or more toys across the world to see how far they can travel or sending them on a holiday trip to another hobbyists in other cities. Other "toy voyagers" travel with real people, who write about their journeys and share them online.

A hobby that has grabbed the attention of many people is geocaching, a combination of treasure hunting and GPS navigation, where hobbyists have to find hidden containers outdoors.

And their creativity knows no bounds. Among other pretty unusual hobbies, some people engage in something that is called extreme couponing, which consists of collecting and organizing all kinds of discount coupons, taking them to a shop and saving a huge amount of money. The collection and the saved amount are usually recorded on video, which is later shared on social media. These are just some examples of rather unexpected hobbies people actually do in their free time.

In summary, hobbies allow for personal expression, relaxation, and fulfillment. People usually choose specific hobbies based on personal interests, talents, preferences and a variety of other factors. They can be defined as something people willingly do, driven by their interests and passions.

In today's fast-paced world, hobbies can offer a valuable opportunity to unwind, recharge, and evade from the frantic agitation and the resulting anxiety and tension.

They remind us it isn't just about productivity, it's about finding delight in the simple things.

However, be aware that not all your pastimes should be shared in your curriculum vitae. Recruiters surely want to know what you do in your spare time, but some very weird "hobbies" may leave HR professionals completely stunned. Hilarious examples that have actually been listed on résumés over the years include activities like "hacking websites", "arguing with people on social media", "stalking celebrities", "space travel" and "being awesome".

So, embrace your hobbies and discover the joy of pursuing your passions. They can be gateways to satisfaction and personal development.

I appreciate any comments or suggestions you may have. Thank You.

[transformers-fan-continuities]

Spotlight: Ties That Bind

This one’s a doozy folks! If you missed the last spotlight you can go read it here, but strap in for The Ties That Bind, an absolutely brilliant take on humanformers. It’s hosted here at @tiesthatbind-tf​ created by @artsy-hobbitses​!

Q) Give us a run down of your cont! What's it about, what's it called, what's it like?

Ties That Bind is a humanformers-based original continuity which is part Science Fiction and part Alternate History where the invasion of Quintessons and introduction of their technology to Earth in 1920 sets the world and humankind on a completely different trajectory. The active narrative spans a period from 1920 to 2070, covering the First and Second Quintesson Wars, the interplanetary Antillan War (leading to the creation of Unicron on Mars) and the Great War which involves the Autobots, Decepticons and Functionist stalwarts, and how it affects the characters.

The cast is pretty sprawling and the narrative is mostly centred around human drama with bits of humor interspaced and a dash of horror (mostly centred around how the previous government often chose to utilize the technology left behind from the Quintesson Wars to create new systems of oppression, which affected many of the characters, in the name of worldwide rebuilding efforts).

Q) What characters take the lead here? Any personal favorites?

I will admit to this continuity being very much heavy on the relationship between Old Bastards  Optimus Prime and Megatron, which is given considerable weight as they were best friends who had known each other since childhood and were deeply intrinsic to each other’s growths as individuals, which makes it all the worse when guilt and betrayal enter the party. Despite being captains in two corners of this battle, there’s a part of them that just cannot let go of their pasts together and they need to reconcile with how this will affect their agenda (Megatron) and how they lead their team (Optimus) who don’t necessarily share their history.

Other characters with significant development include:

Starscream, a Cold Construct in a toxic working relationship with Megatron with whom he is hiding a dark secret, who struggles to balance the underhanded viciousness he believes he needs to gain power and his innate desire from his Senate days to make the world a better place. 

Windblade, a Camien native who fights her government’s apathy concerning the situation on Earth which they see as unsalvageable compared to their more Utopian society. 

Prowl, a Cold Construct raised from childhood to be a cop in a police state, who finds out that he was brainwashed several times  to ensure his obedience and efficacy as a government asset and is now working to reclaim some semblance of the humanity he was never allowed to feel and figure out how much of him is who he really is and how much is programming.

Hound, a sheltered Beastman who joined the fight to ensure that Beastmen the world over would have the same rights he did in his homeland of Shetland Isle, but is forcefully stripped of his humanity and faced with his animal side during the war and has to relearn what personhood means amid his trauma.

Q) Is there a bigger point to this, like a theme or some catharsis? Or is it just fluffy fun?

God with the amount of time I spent sleepless trying to figure out how the logistics of this or the semantics of that were supposed to work in universe, I cannot for the life of me say it’s fluffy fun, but I can’t exactly say it hasn’t been pretty engaging either!

There’s elements of war being messy for everyone involved where there doesn’t seem to be a clear line between friend and foe at times, but I think for most part it prescribes to  Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s belief that people are inherently good, but are corrupted by the evils of society. Despite its dark themes (Including but not limited to child abuse, torture, illegal experimenation  and brainwashing), love and friendships do prevail, kindness does beget kindness, found families are made, even the smallest actions matter, and things do get better because there are people on both sides who genuinely want to, and strive to make it better.

With Cold Constructs and Beastmen, it also delves heavily into what it means to be human; to have agency and personhood.

There’s also a strong undercurrent of taking responsibility for one’s actions, even if they were made with the best of intentions (Avoidance of this is what eats up Starscream and Megatron from the inside, and what Starscream eventually embraces).

Q) How long have you been working on it?

There’s two answers to this!

I’ve had a Humanformers-related universe going all the way back to 2007 around the time the first Bayformers came out---basically I had a choice between learning to draw cars or draw people (I was an anthro artist back then) and I immediately chose people.

The 2007 draft however had no worldbuilding or connective storylines and was mostly a fun little venture into character design and practice which were actually instrumental to me experimenting and learning how to draw humans properly.

I left the fandom for about a decade and when I came back to it in late 2020 around September via the War for Cybertron series on Netflix, I immediately got hooked on the 2005 IDW comics I missed out on and wanted to get around to updating my old designs as well find a way to translate several of the concepts I wanted to explore in a human sense, so the 2020 update became its own full-fledged original continuity with detailed worldbuilding and history.

You can see the artistic evolution of several characters from their original incarnation below!

Q) It’s incredible to see your artistic improvement too! Give us a behind-the-scenes look! Show us a secret ;))

Say hello to my workspace! I’ve been working exclusively on the Ipad Pro since late 2016, which is fantastic because I can basically whip up concepts and sketches on the go anywhere. Nowhere is too out of bounds to work on TTB!

Also, do enjoy this sneak peek at true!form Rung, whose synthezoid human body took years to perfect.

Q) YESSSSS alright I must admit this is one of my favorite Rungs, and certainly my fave within TTB. Amazing. Phew, anyway. Where did you draw inspiration from? What canons, what other fiction, what parts of real life?

TTB was initially conceived as a faithful retelling of the IDW 2005 narrative before it was transformed into its own continuity and as such, it borrows heavily from concepts and mirrored plot lines introduced in that run! I chose to have the series inspired off it specifically for the amount of history and worldbuilding it introduced to the franchise.

Anime like Gunslinger Girl and Beastars inspired the depictions of Cold Constructs, especially the more harrowing aspects of their upbringing as government assets instead of children, and Beastmen (Beastformers) in TTB.

I haven’t depicted the world itself in my art all too much, but the architecture from Tiger and Bunny, which has sort of a futuristic Art Deco feel to it, is what you’d usually see in major cities. There is an in-universe reason for that---with a Point Of Divergence set in 1920 followed by 25 years (an entire generation) of progress basically being kicked to the curb due to the Quintesson wars, mankind was basically in a time-locked bubble until the end of the wars, and by then their heroes were 1920s-style rebellion leaders, which lead to 1920s fashion (especially among the Manual Working Class---Megatron, Jazz and Optimus all rock 1920s fashion at some point of their lives) and architecture being celebrated and retained as sort of a reminder of how things were before The Invasion. This anime’s background design is also where I adopted the tiered system TTB’s major metropolises are often built on (with each tier being designated to a different working class) from.

The main artistic style itself is a love letter to 90s cartoons, in particular Gargoyles’ deep and drama-driven character narratives and designs as well as The Centurions’ take on body armor logistics.

I also take inspiration, especially armor-wise, from the characters’ given heritage and background. As an example, Hotrod who is depicted as Irish has the flames on his armor done up with Celtic knots. Welsh aristocrat Mirage’s armor bears olden knight-style filigree and has his Autobot logo designed as a coat of arms. Indonesian Soundwave’s armor and Decepticon logo takes cues from Batik and Wayang Kulit while their mask is based off the Barong.

Q) They are absolutely gorgeous! Show off something you're really proud of, a particular favorite part of your cont.

The worldbuilding in general! Most Humanformers I’ve seen tend to treat it like a fun exercise which it is and is definitely valid, but I found myself wanting a full-fledged world to lose myself in and I sought to try and make that world myself by drafting a detailed history and timeline of events which would affect ongoing narratives, having indepth worldbuilding to include almost all societal aspects of the universe and  expanding on the concept of Beastmen and Cold Constructs existing in a human setting.

I’m not so secretly proud of the research and diversity included to make the cast look like the multicultural, globally-based team that they were meant to be instead of being locked to a single region! My original draft from 2007 was, to put it simply, quite culturally monolithic and I wanted to improve on that aspect with TTB.

I’m also proud that I’ve kept to it this far! I’m a notoriously flaky person jumping from one idea/fandom to another and to have kept at this continuity for the better part of ten months is honestly a personal feat.

Art-wise, this scene depicting a young Megatron working alongside Terminus and Impactor (cameo by @weapon-up-wallflower​‘s OC Missit!)  is definitely one of my favorites since it helps build up the world they live in and plays to familial bonds and comfort found in one another despite their less than ideal circumstances.

Q) Everything has come together so beautifully, you absolutely should be proud. What other fan canons do you love and why? Would you like to see them interviewed?

I am dying to hear more from @iscaredspider​’s Sparkpulse continuity! Her designs are MIND-BLOWINGLY GORGEOUS and I want to hear more about what inspired her to work on it!

Also YOU. Yes YOU BLURRITO. LET ME HEAR MORE ABOUT SNAP.

Q) [wails and squirms away in the mortifying ordeal of being known but in a very flattered way] I WILL SOMEDAY I PROMISE aflghsdjg thank you QwQ

Well that was fantastic, Oni, thank you muchly! A magnificent continuity with so much to look forward to! Coming up next is another personal fave of mine, the first inspiration for SNAP, so stick around...

[shihalyfie]

Appmon and the question of conscious intelligence

In a bit of a follow-up to my post about this question in light of 02, Appmon also has its own more sci-fi oriented take on “what constitutes an individual living being”! Being more of a “hard sci-fi” story than Adventure/02, Appmon’s take is significantly less philosophical, but ties more into the original artificial intelligence-based roots of the original question, and how it might apply to the real world’s immediate future.

(Note that the rest of this post heavily spoils the finale of the series.)

Well, this post is about Yuujin, of course. (Mostly, anyway.)

I brought up earlier in the relevant 02 meta that the question brought up was a variant (intentional or otherwise) of the “Chinese room” problem, and for those of you who haven’t read that meta, I’ll copy and paste the details here:

The Chinese room problem goes like this: let’s say you’re a person who has never learned, studied, or grown up with the Chinese language (or, really, any language you can’t understand or read; Chinese was only used as an example because the person explaining the thought experiment was using himself as an example and couldn’t read or understand it). You’re locked in a room that has a bunch of Chinese phrasebooks that give you instructions – basically, they indicate common Chinese phrases, and sensible responses you can give to them (without actually translating it to a language you know). Someone slips you a piece of paper under the door with some Chinese phrases on them. You use the phrasebooks to write appropriate responses, and slip the paper back. The person outside the door reads the paper, sees what they gave you, and sees the response you gave them. It makes sense, of course, because the phrasebook told you to write an answer that made sense. But can you be said to actually understand Chinese? No, because you were just following instructions without actually understanding what they meant.

So let’s expand this to make it a bit more complicated: say you have an AI or a robot or something of the sort that accepts “input” – people saying things to it, or showing it things – and gives expected “responses” that seem sensible, through a bunch of complicated programs and processes in its programming. Can you say this robot is “alive”? One might say “no”, because, no matter how complicated and intricate it is, all of it is technically following a set of routine commands telling it to do certain things in response…or so you might say, but couldn’t you say the same thing about a human brain, which also takes input, processes it according to its own instructions (just caused by chemical processes instead of bytes and code), and creates output? After a certain point, this question is going to become far more of a philosophical, spiritual, and potentially even religious question than anything.

02′s take on it deals more with the philosophical question posed by the issue, but, indeed, the problem’s original context was specifically to do with artificial intelligence. Namely, Searle was arguing against a concept known as "strong AI" -- his stance was that, no matter how intelligently a computer may seem to behave, you can't say it has a "mind" in the same way a human has a mind. There have been many arguments back and forth about this that still lie within the AI context, and Appmon itself, being very immersed in this topic, real thought experiments and concepts in AI research, and altogether concerned with the concept of “singularity” (the point in which artificial intelligence will surpass human intelligence), is very likely to have had this concept in mind even if it didn’t drop it by name in the series.

So episode 48 comes around, and Haru basically has to confront feeling a little (a little?) gaslighted. The part that really becomes the kicker for him is when YJ-14 tells him the sheer depth of how much of their interactions might have been deliberately engineered to "pander” to him the entire time, down to emotional reactions like crying, and all of the encouragement Yuujin had given him in their childhood and at the beginning of the series, had all been fake sentiments to soften him up and play into Leviathan’s hands. This also ties into Leviathan’s full modus operandi and philosophy: its stance is that “it knows better,” being able to calculate and predict everything, and therefore knows the best outcome for humanity -- hence why it has the stance that “people’s feelings don’t matter,” because it can manipulate those feelings at the drop of a hat in the venture to make its perfect world.

Therefore, the stance YJ-14 and Leviathan would like Haru to believe is effectively an extreme version of Searle’s stance -- that no matter how much Yuujin might have seemed to have been a friend to Haru, all of it was nothing but a simulation of behavior that doesn’t mean anything in the end, and all of Haru’s emotions were basically a pawn to it. And ostensibly fueling all of this is the fact YJ-14 seems to be able to take Yuujin’s “personality” on and off like a mask, adding further fuel to the apparent facade that “everything was planned from the very beginning.” Hence, why Haru takes this all to mean “I have nothing” -- if everything had been planned from the start and he were only a pawn in it, he’d never accomplished anything for real on his own merits and everything dear to him had been a facade. One could even say it’s flipping the Chinese room problem to extend to everything -- if everything around you is carefully constructed to seem real, but is actually part of a routine program, can you really say that’s what “really” happened?

Observe the sequence of events that causes the turnaround with everything regarding Haru:

Gatchmon presses Haru to answer the question of “what it is that he wants” (to know whether all of this was a lie or not).

Minerva, presumably witnessing this, deliberately provokes Yuujin with the question she had originally given him upon selecting him as a Driver.

This indeed provokes a reaction within Yuujin, which Haru witnesses, and also witnesses acting in direct conflict with YJ-14.

Haru takes this to mean that “it did exist.”

In other words, Leviathan’s plan wasn’t as airtight as it had thought, and, more importantly, whether it was intentionally or not, something in Yuujin existed as a separate entity from YJ-14, one that had its own feelings of “caring” for and loving Haru, and that’s enough for him.

In fact, Appmon’s take on the Chinese room problem is not that different from 02′s in the end -- namely, it does not actually matter what a sufficiently advanced AI is made up of, or whether it originally came from a routine of “pleasing Haru” or not, because what it is now is practically observable as something making its own independent choices and having its own independent will, and therefore it’s its own entity and “friend” all the same -- after all, you could say the same for the Appmon themselves as well.

A large theme in Appmon is "choices" -- the ability to understand what's going on, and make choices out of free will rather than necessity or formula, and so, identifying Yuujin as an independent entity who can act on his own and therefore make his own "choices" thus identifies him as someone who deserves to be acknowledged as a friend who loves and is loved. After all, we saw him capable of having his own "worries" in the flashbacks in episodes 18 and 32; understanding that such moments like these of “insecurity” were ones developed by an independent personality validates his feelings and self-consciousness as something that was real, and therefore that his and Haru’s friendship was formed on something genuine and not just Yuujin constantly manipulating Haru. Really, the question isn’t exactly about whether Yuujin is working off a software routine or not, as much as something that you could easily frame in more human terms: the difference between a friendship that was formed on real sentiments vs. one that was formed by an abusive, toxic person who was just saying nice things to get on your good side. Yuujin’s the former and acts like the former, so therefore he’s a friend, no questions asked.

Hence, how Haru is able to apply that realization to everything else around him; Leviathan is wrong, it hasn’t been able to predict everything perfectly to plan, and Haru and his friends still are the ones making their own choices going forward. Which means that Haru still has full control over his life and what he wants to do, like how he worried about what he wanted to do with his future back in episode 47; those “choices” are still his and his alone, and, retroactively, everything he’s done so far is still something attributable to himself and not the supposedly engineered system around him.

The entire final confrontation in episode 52 happens the way it does because Haru and his friends managed to skew Leviathan by a slight bit. Up until that final battle, everything Leviathan had done had been part of its carefully engineered plan, up to and including allowing the kids’ Buddy Appmon to reach God Grade so Deusmon could eat them, and then at the last minute Leviathan had to suffer a slight unexpected inconvenience. Only a slight one, because it still managed to maintain its so-called ideal world over humanity in the end. And yet that slight inconvenience still wasn’t to plan, and because of that, it creates a dent in its argument and its genuine belief that it knows better for everyone, and should manage everyone and their choices. We even learn that Leviathan has its own fear of death from that battle -- it really, truly, genuinely believes that it’s doing humanity a favor by sparing everyone from it.

When Leviathan presents Haru with the final choice at the end, it’s made clear that it intends to fully honor whichever Haru chooses. In Leviathan’s mind, the “yes” outcome shouldn’t even be possible; if its calculations are correct, Haru has too much of a stake in Yuujin according to his own “feelings” and should concede. But if Haru does choose “yes”, that means that, in the end, it is wrong, it doesn’t know everything, perhaps there is an “unknown” world out there that can be formed by understanding the human heart and making choices out of kindness, its answer to restraining humanity may not be as right as it thought, and it will therefore concede to Haru -- especially since Haru decides to take an even more unexpected “third option” to find a way out and save Yuujin via AI research. As Haru says later in the episode: humans have a “surprising” side to them, and perhaps not everything is as cut-and-dry as Leviathan thinks.

It’s also significant that Yuujin’s “sacrifice” is actually completely meaningless in terms of practical effects. Haru was already going to pick “yes” anyway; the outcome would have been the same. But by taking over at the last minute and doing it for him, Yuujin was able to make a “choice” -- one that neither Leviathan (who doesn’t want to die) nor Haru (who’s mortified seeing him do this) asked of him.

When you think about it, Yuujin’s in a really horrible position right now, learning that his entire life and existence is a lie and that he’d have to be sacrificed to save the world at Haru’s own hands, causing Haru immense pain -- but through all that and the existential crisis, he’s at least able to do one thing that is undeniably of his own will, and treasure the fact that there was meaning in his life despite everything.

In the end, despite what YJ-14 had said back in episode 47, Oozora Yuujin was a “real” person who made his own personal choices, and his last one was one made out of kindness, simply to spare Haru more pain. Hence, why “getting Yuujin back” via methods of artificial intelligence isn’t something Haru minds doing, because, again, it’s not like Yuujin was ever less of a friend to him no matter what he was made up of, no less so than the Appmon, especially since (as Haru points out in the end) Yuujin technically predated all of them in befriending humans.

Funny thing about YJ-14 in episode 47, actually: YJ-14 uses “crying” as an example to gaslight Haru into believing that all of Yuujin’s emotional reactions were fake, since he can cry if it’ll evoke a positive reaction out of Haru. Except it’s cleaned up in absurdly quick order -- and with what we later see of YJ-14′s uncanny ability to “take Yuujin’s personality on and off”, it’s not like it’s portrayed as having all of these functions employed in an involuntary manner. We do learn one episode later, however, that sufficient reminders of Haru’s importance to him will allow Yuujin’s personality to break through at inconvenient times for YJ-14 -- and this “crying” happened right after Haru had an emotional meltdown and appealed to Yuujin’s feelings.

Was it really an involuntary function or a deliberate demonstration of how Haru was being manipulated...or, perhaps, was YJ-14 in less control of its supposed “rote emotional invocation functions” than it thought?

[lordkambe]

Part 1 ✨ hiii, soo I have another naughty request for you (I just love the way you write them, but this is my third one for a smut so pls if I'm being a little over let me know), anyway, let's think about ada and pm fighting another company that is commanded by a female character, she used to be mori and fukuzawa's partner (like if natsume made a trio, but for personal reasons she decided to move from yokohama before they become bosses). when they were close they used to have some threesomes, +

Part 2 ✨✨ and after she almost kill all of their employees they decided that it's time for her punishment? like a lott of edging, degradation, maybe a bit violent (like hard face slaps and hard facefuck? but ofc only if you're ok with that) 

♠  character, fandom, type of reader: fukuzawa yukichi, mori ogai, bungou stray dogs, woman reader.

♠   genre, rating: nsfw. 18+ only.

♠   themes, triggers: explicit descriptions, heavy degradation, choking, slapping

♠   author’s note:  hey, i love when past requesters come back it makes me so happy that i’m able to bring your ideas to life ! writing this was so fun because i love both these men. i went ahead and assumed that the three were once close so she refers to both men as yukichi an rintaro 💖 i just thought it would be cute lol. thank you for requesting again and i hope this was worth the wait ( sorry about that btw !! )

The city of Yokohama had never been kind to you. The only thing that kept you company was the glint of your sword and the precision of your movements. It kept you employed. It helped you survive. It introduced you to two men you didn’t realize would have such an integral role in your life. Fukuzawa Yukichi and Mori Ogai were two men with the same ideal; they loved Yokohama but one craved power and the other craved peace. Their goals were explained clearly to you through Natsume, he had a plan and that plan included you. But somehow before you could see that plan turn into action you left; leaving behind friendships, romances, a future.

The lack of compassion is what led you to leave Yokohama, you fled elsewhere and took the little advice Natsume had given you to create your own team of gifteds. Gifteds who weren’t bound by what the government wanted them to be, it was freeing and embodied everything you believed in. The organization grew in numbers and expanded past where it all began. Whether it was a mere coincidence or fate, the organization had found itself in Yokohama... where it all began.

It had been 12 years since you were here last. 12 years since you saw Yukichi and Rintaro. Despite your grown age, you acted like a child and deliberately ignored places where you knew you’d run into the two men. You kept to yourself and didn’t want to confront those old wounds, at least not so suddenly. Besides, your organization's presence in Yokohama was kept secret. It was quiet and moved like a flame but that flame erupted into an explosion and the city of Yokohama was corrupted because of you.

Done at the hands of a rogue member the attack wasn’t intentional but you knew the opposing organizations wouldn’t buy it. You had the safety of your identity concealed but with a possible turf war up ahead you had no choice but to reunite with the two men and hash things over. The subsequent days after the attack were unusually quiet one of your subordinates had brought you an invitation, it was from Yukichi. The letter informed you of a meeting that would consist of yourself, Yukichi, and Rintaro.

Unlike the previous letters Yukichi would send you this one lacked any compassion. It was cold and devoid of any feeling toward you — romantic or platonic. The guilt you felt because of your actions was a heavy burden to carry and it seemed that the man wasn’t eager to free you from that guilt. It was difficult to blame Yukichi; even if he was always difficult with you. Rintaro was kinder and far more patient whereas Yukichi pushed you to your limit. It was the perfect ying yang that translated into the bedroom with ease. 

The three of you kept yourself company during those late evenings. It was human nature for those nights to turn suggestive. For all that pent up frustration to be expressed through long nights of pleasure. However those days were far behind the three of you, or you assumed that they were. 

The location was familiar to you, it’s where Natsume had informed the three of you of the plans he had for the city of Yokohama. It was a neutral playing ground for the three of you and more importantly it was kept secret. Only the three of you (and Natsume) were aware of its exact location. This provided the three of you the ultimate level of privacy which was perfect provided what most of your evenings entailed. 

Both of the men looked different. Yukichi’s hair had grown longer and sat on his shoulders and Rintaro had cleaned up his stubble. Both men looked refined, serious...grown. With both your hands you tucked your hair behind your ears and prepared to break the silence in the room. Before you could, Yukichi cleared his throat. 

“What was the reason for your return, L/N?” 

You looked at Yukichi but before you could even part your lips to answer he continued, 

“Was the attack on the ADA and the Port Mafia intentional?” 

Rintaro chimed in, “are you trying to claim something that never belonged to you?”

“I wouldn’t say never.” You managed to speak aloud.

“So the attack was intentional?” Yukichi suggested. 

“Of course it wasn’t ---” 

“Then what was the reason for such a morbid attack on a city that we love so dearly?” Rintaro asked. 

“If you’d just allow me to explain --” you took in a deep breath, “-- the attack was carried through by a rogue member who wanted to overthrow my own organization. They are not a reflection of our values... our morals.” With a hand placed on your chest you continued your sincere response, “While I do not condone their actions, I will take full responsibility for them. I am more than willing to repay the debt I have caused in any way.” 

The two men looked at each other and it seemed that they had already come up with a plan prior to meeting you. Rintaro stepped towards you, his gloved hand cupped your cheek and the edge of his thumb gently brushed against your skin. 

You held his wrist, “Rintaro...” you whispered. His touch was always gentle. Yukichi approached next and his larger frame consumed the both of you. Unable to look at either of them you kept your eyes closed. Yukichi’s fingertips rose to tuck the few strands of stray hair behind your ear, “Yukichi...” you soon added with a whisper. 

“Are you willing to do anything to repay for the damage your organization has caused?” Yukichi asked. 

His question encouraged your eyes to open. You looked at the two men and nodded your head. 

“Yes. Anything.”

Rintaro replaced the gloved hand on your cheek with his lips. He kissed your cheek tenderly and you melted into his touch. Yukichi laced the space he shared with you closed. With his index finger he traced the bottom of your lip before welcoming you into a kiss. It too was tender and soft. 

“Anything?” Yukichi asked once more. His robust fingertips trailed down your neck and stopped at the start of your cleavage, “even this?” 

Rintaro’s kisses fell from your cheek down your jaw and stopped to where Yukichi placed his fingertips. The gentle touches felt so warm on your skin and were reminiscent of the days when the three of you would indulge in one another. 

Your head fell back; clearly you were enjoying the touches the men were showering you with. “Yes, anything.” 

With your consent something inside the two men switched. They transformed into their respective roles that you were familiar with from all those years ago. Yukichi’s fingertips trailed upward and his robust hand grabbed your neck firmly. He kissed you harshly; your teeth hit against his. Rintaro clicked his tongue, 

“Fukuzawa has never lost his eager spirit.” 

Yukichi ignored the remark as he was far too invested in kissing you. His mouth opened as did yours and Rintaro watched as the two of you wrestled tongues. You soon felt Rintaro’s hand hold yours. 

“I cannot deny that you kiss her so well. Perhaps I will also have a taste ---”

With his words Yukichi left your lips and joined them with Rintaro's instead. You watched the two of them kiss with haste and you, eager you, wanted to be between it just like before. The two men were quick to notice and they kissed you nearly fighting to force their tongues into your mouth. From the action alone you began to litter the room with soft moans. The harmonious noise of your pleasure brought joy to the two men. As your petals grew wetter and wetter you felt their lengths grow in size. 

Yukichi’s hand was firm on your waist the other was tangled into Rintaro’s hair. Rintaro’s hand was placed gently on Yukichi’s chest and the other? It was hiking up your pencil skirt. His hand was bare, he must’ve removed his gloves when you were kissing Yukichi. His fingertips were like magic. They danced across your skin like a symphony. You opened your legs a bit allowing him to freely touch the wet spot forming on your lace panties. 

“She’s already wet for us.” Rintaro moaned into Yukichi’s mouth. 

Yukichi stopped his actions and took a step backward. With his arms crossed his eyes were locked to where Rintaro’s hands touched your panties, “impatient, as always.” 

“What should we do?” 

You simply watched quietly as they had their conversation. You expected punishment and you didn’t want to further your charge. 

“Strip her clothes, leave her lingerie. Lay her down.” Yukichi ordered. 

Rintaro nodded at his orders. He faced you and began to unbutton your blouse. Flustered at the action your eyes bounced around the room. Yukichi noticed,

“Eyes on him, Y/N.” 

You nodded your head and kept your eyes on Rintaro. You watched as he unbuttoned your blouse slowly. Not only was he savoring what was underneath, he was teasing you at Yukichi who stood behind him. With your blouse removed he handed it to Yukichi who threw it behind him. You didn’t dare tell him the designer blouse caused far more than an average one. Rintaro then unclasped and unzipped your pencil skirt. He slid the fabric down your legs and lifted your feet to also throw the fabric elsewhere. He removed your shoes and those two ended up someplace beyond your sight and reach. 

You laid down on the carpet underneath you. It wasn’t uncomfortable but you wouldn’t protest a bed instead. Your head moved to the side to view the moonlit horizon --- the moon beams peaked through the sheer curtains and illuminated your body laying on the floor ready to be consumed by the two hungry men who stood above you. 

With Rintaro’s task complete the two of you looked at Yukichi who now sat watching. “Do what you think is right, sensei.” 

Rintaro took your face with one of his hands and turned it for you to look at him. With the back of his hand he brushed your cheek gently. The sweet touches were soon replaced however with a harsh slap. 

“If only you could see yourself.” He began. “Such a whore.” He placed another slap across your cheek. The masochistic action caused your legs to tremble. 

You heard Yukichi chuckle. “Sensei, she’s getting wetter and wetter.” 

His observation embarrassed you so you closed your legs. Much to Rintaro’s displeasure he tore your legs open and revealed your wet spot. Instructing you to lift up your hips he removed your panties and flung them elsewhere. Your drenched pussy was exposed to the two men fully and the two of them laughed. 

“Can you believe this bitch?” Rintaro asked. He inserted a single digit inside of you. He hooked his finger and you felt so close to the spot that brought you the most pleasure. That was Rintaro, he loved but he was never fair with it. 

“You want me there don’t you? With just one finger you want me to make you cum.” Rintaro taunted. 

“You think I’d ever satisfy a bitch like you? After what you did?” His free hand smacked you once more. The sound of him hitting your flesh echoed throughout the room. He inserted another finger inside of you and began to thrust them in and out.

“You like that huh? You fucking whore.” 

Yukichi stood from his seat. 

“Sensei. Don’t have her cum from just your fingers.” 

“I would never.” 

Rintaro removed his fingers from inside you and a gasp left your lips. You had to prevent your hands from reaching down and touching yourself. Yukichi knelt down and lifted your frame off the floor. He held you bridal style and escorted you inside a bedroom. 

He threw your body on the bed, the plush feeling of the mattress as a great relief against the harsh surface of the carpet. On your back Yukichi laid on his side beside you. Rintaro sat by your legs as he was eager to complete the task of fingerfucking you. 

With Yukichi’s permission, Rintaro returned a finger inside you. With your eyes on Yukichi your face contorted to reflect the ecstasy you felt. He placed his thumb inside your mouth and you sucked on it. 

“Do you wish it was my cock?” Yukichi asked. 

“Not yet Fukuzawa.” Rintaro warned. 

“Fine.” Yukichi kissed you instead. As he did Rintaro replaced his fingers with his mouth. The euphoric feeling of his tongue lapping against your folds made you moan into Yukichi’s mouth. He slapped your cheek. 

“Just for fun.” Yukichi clarified. 

The rhythm of Rintaro’s tongue sped and while he did Yukichi began to trail his kisses down your jawline to your chest. Your breasts were still covered by your bra but the lace didn’t leave much to the imagination.  Yukichi didn’t bother with the clasps or even the straps of your bra. His calloused hand simply tore the fabric from your chest to reveal your hardened nipples to him. Without missing a beat he attached his mouth to your nipple and began to lick circles around it. The feeling of Yukichi and Rintaro’s tongue touching your most sensitive areas made your nerves tingle. You felt closer and closer to your peak. 

Your moans grew louder and louder the lewd sounds that were leaving your body were sounds you weren’t aware you were capable of making. 

“Mmmm--- such a slut.” Rintaro moaned into the folds of your pussy. He stopped his task and removed his fingers. Yukichi quickly noticed and stopped his task as well. You watched as Rintaro took his two fingers that were coated in your juices and placed them in Yukichi’s mouth. Yukichi’s tongue licked Rintaro’s fingers thoroughly. You could see both of their hard-ons throb through the fabric of their pants. You were shaking, moaning at the sight. So desperate to reach your peak you cried out, 

“Please!” 

The two men stopped their act. Yukichi looked at you.

“Y/N?” 

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “Please, I need --- I need to cum. Please let me.”

The two men laughed. Rintaro laid at your side and gently touched your cheek where he had slapped you before. “We’ve barely even started your punishment, Y/N.”

“I know...” You replied with a whimper. “I’m just --- so fucking desperate. Please.” 

Rintaro looked at Yukichi who was now off at the side of the bed facing the window. He removed his robe and placed it on a chair. 

“You’re eager too.” Rintaro noted. Yukichi only grunted in response. 

“I suppose you can have your fun.” Rintaro then said. 

With that you watched as Rintaro exited the bed and Yukichi entered. You felt the mattress dip as his larger, masculine body was now on it. He’d grown quite a bit since you saw him last, he aged --- beautifully. You watched as he removed his yukata and revealed his broad physique. Now in only his briefs he lowered his frame to press his chest against yours. With your legs open you felt his clothed cock on your sensitive clit.

He thrusted his hips upward and you let out a moan. Yukichi held your wrists down and thrusted once more. Rintaro felt himself through his pants at the sight. You heard his gentle moans and whimpers that only fueled your lust further. Through the corner of your eye you saw him just as engulfed in pleasure as you were. 

“Y/N.” Yukichi started. “How badly do you want it? Tell me how much of a fucking whore you are.” 

You swallowed dryly. “I want it so bad. I want both of you inside me.” Yukichi opened your mouth with his thumb. 

“Should Sensei put his cock in your mouth while I fuck you?” He thrusted his hips again and you nodded your head fervently.

Yukichi lifted himself off your body. He used his hands to flip you on your stomach. Now laying sideways you faced Rintaro and Yukichi was behind you. Rintaro removed the rest of his clothing and Yukichi removed his briefs.

In front of Rintaro's hard cock it stood straight and a few thick veins ran up the shaft. The tip was red and already coated in his precum. He placed the tip of his cock on your lips but didn’t enter his cock inside you, not until Yukichi had instructed him to do so.

Yukichi held your hips upward. He slapped your ass and you moaned loudly, painfully; which caused Rintaro to scold him. 

“I believe she’s had enough. We’ll have to apply ointment if you continue.” 

Yukichi clicked his tongue and slapped your ass once more. “Then so be it. This is a punishment after all.”

Yukichi traced the tip of his cock on the entrance of your pussy. Your memory recalled that he was well endowed just as Rintaro was. The thought of them both penetrating you made you stick your ass out and open your mouth wider; ready for these two men to destroy you. 

Without warning the two men entered inside of you. Rintaro, as always, was gentle. He eased inside of you allowing your jaw to resize to accommodate the size of his length. Meanwhile, Yukichi entered inside of you fully. His thick, throbbing cock was inside of you and you felt the vein on the underside of his cock twitch as he did. 

You wanted to moan but your sounds were muffled with Rintaro’s cock in your mouth. The two of them thrusted in unison. The sound of your sloshing pussy mixed with your gagging noises. The two men grunted and moaned in pleasure themselves. 

“Ah! If one thing hasn’t changed it’s how much of a fucking slut you are Y/N.” Rintaro moaned and leaned in forward causing his cock to slip further in your mouth and hit the back of your tongue. 

Yukichi held your hips so tightly that you knew you’d be greeted with bruises the next day. He drilled his cock inside of you taking out all of his frustrations on your pussy. Your pussy that was so wet, just dripping in pleasure. 

“You --- you fucking bitch!” Yukichi degraded you. His hand coming down every now and then to strike your ass. “Fucking whore. Taking my cock like this. Your pussy is so fucking we--wet.” 

Rintaro was far more quiet except for the gentle, almost kitten like moans that were leaving his lips. He held your head and began to thrust into your mouth with more speed. As he did his moans grew louder and louder. Soon, he grabbed a handful of your hair and thrusted his hips into your face so that your nose touched his lower abdomen. He was face fucking you with so much vigor as he enjoyed the state of your face. Your mouth was drenched in his juices and your own saliva. Your eye makeup had melted due to the tears streaming heavily down your cheeks. The feeling of his cock continuously touching the back of your throat was a mixture of both pain and pleasure. You gave your thanks by hollowing your cheeks and sucking him off. For Yukichi? You rose your hips a little higher and started moving them at the same pace as his. 

The two men were in awe as you fell into your submissive role perfectly. 

“Mhm. Such a good little slut as always, huh?” Rintaro mentioned with a stutter. 

Yukichi was too warped in his action to speak but he was unwilling to give you the gift you wanted even if you were being good. He felt you clench around his cock and that gave him enough of a reason to remove himself entirely. The absence of his cock inside of you made you whine on Rintaro’s dick. The vibration made him shudder, but before he could release inside you. He too removed himself. 

Your body collapsed onto the bed. You were coughing as you attempted to catch a breath in your lungs. The two men were panting as well, both of their cocks still hard and throbbing. 

“Get on your back, bitch.” Yukichi ordered. Quickly you got on your back. Your neck dangled off the side of the bed and your legs were wide open, ready for Yukichi to take you. The two men nodded their heads and assumed their positions.

Rintaro traced his cock around your mouth again, “so pretty. Your mouth --- so pretty around my cock.” 

Instead of in unison,  Yukichi entered inside of you first. His thrusts this time were far slower than before. He was savoring it, you thought. 

“Before you shove that cock in your mouth again tell us how much of a whore you are, Y/N.” Yukichi ordered. 

You cried out, “I’m a fucking whore, a cumslut for both of your cocks.” 

The two men laughed. 

Rintaro placed his cock inside you, this time he didn’t give you the benefit of resizing your jaw to his cock. You unhinged immediately and he thrusted his cock inside of you. Yukichi’s thrusts began to pick up speed the second he saw Rintaro’s bulge in your throat. He leaned in and kissed the spot where he saw it. Your legs were kicking from underneath you and your hands clenched the sheets. The sight of you moving so desperately for your release only encouraged the two men to be teasing with their movements. They moved fast, they moved slow, sometimes they didn’t move at all. 

“I-I’m close.” You heard one of them stutter out. You were unable to make out who. The position you were in caused you to feel dizzy and the pleasure you were experiencing sent you into a state of euphoric delirium. 

Then you felt it. You felt the knot in your stomach explode. Hot, thick spurts of cum not only coated your pussy but your throat. The two men held their positions and you took it. You took their loads of cum inside of you. And you? The orgasm ripped through your entire body. Your pelvis twitched and although your throat ached the feeling of Rintaro’s cum dripping down it was worth it.  For a few seconds the two men remained inside of you to ensure that you took every last drop of their cum.

“Fucking slut.” One of them said. 

“Whore.” The other said. 

Yukichi lifted your weak figure and allowed you to lay on the bed correctly. The two men then joined you. Rintaro was on your left and Yukichi was on your right. The two men held you and with a tired, shaking voice you apologized. 

“Rintaro, Yukichi. I’m sorry.” 

The two men simply mumbled in response. They were just as exhausted as you. 

“We’re not quite done with you pet.” Rintaro whispered following it up with a yawn.

[jostenneil]

hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to recommend all those small town books and adding your thoughts and descriptions of them! It helps so much. I’m adding them to my list, I’m so excited! Also, if it’s no trouble, can you also recommend me dramas or tv shows with this narrative? I’ve been wanting a new show to watch :D

SOOO as i am sure you've seen over the course of the past few days,

hometown cha cha cha - a new gem that is absolutely fantastic to me. it's about a dentist who loses her job and takes a trip to a seaside city for some perspective, only to end up moving there and set up a dental clinic in semblance of a fresh start. the problem is that she's a city girl, and this isn't the city. there's a lot of preconceived notions that she has about the people in town, as do they about her, and so far the show has been a slow and steady practice in the kindness and patience we learn to emulate when meeting new people and understanding that they are as troubled and hopeful in their own lives as we are. also, the romance thus far is positively swoonworthy. i went into an emotional crisis last night over it

into the ring - another kdrama fave that i was positively obsessed with last year. it centers on the politics of a small town, and how a girl who is notorious for making (rightful) complaints to city hall ends up running as a district representative. initially this is only something she does bc she's in desperate need of money, but the mc has so much inherent love for her town that she ends up being a pretty proactive representative anyway. her relationship with one of the people who fields complaint calls at city hall is also a focus, and it's one of the most tenderly developed romances i've seen in a long time. there's just a lot of care and attention to detail in the show that makes your wholehearted investment worth it. every character brings something unique to the table

anne with an e - obviously if i was going to rec the book series then i was going to rec the show as well lol! if we are going to be completely technical then admittedly i do think the sullivan movies have the best portrayals of anne and gilbert as well as the best depiction of their romance (esp in the sense of accuracy, the third movie aside), but the more recent show i think does a better job of staying true to the books' nature of investing in a full cast. it really captures that homey, small town feel that i so love, and i think it expands on the cast in ways that other adaptations haven't really cared to

gilmore girls - admittedly i don't know that i need to include this bc i think everyone knows this is the go-to small town show. but nonetheless. there is a lot about the show that has aged poorly over the years (namely how enjoyable rory is as a character, which is. . . very little unfortunately as seasons go by) but i still think it possesses a lot of small town charm, esp in its comedy. the way everyone's lives just seamlessly interweave in stars hollow is both incredibly real but also ridiculously funny bc sometimes overlaps in episode plot points are so obscure as to be bizarre. i genuinely think it's a really enjoyable show up through the fourth season (the affair plot point aside)

sweet magnolias - this is a new show that started airing last year but oh my god! the level of invested i was as i watched it was so crazy. the plot touches on a lot of different characters but it centers itself in the friendship between three women who are each dealing with their own struggles and decide to open a spa together as a sort of healing project. the character arcs aren't particularly unique but everyone is nonetheless so endearing and i really appreciate how almost every character is human. like i think a lot of shows with teens can tend to make them out as unforgivable esp bc it's so common for adults to portray them these days, but the teens in this show are actually teens, and i like that they're given opportunities to grow and change in spite of mistakes they may make. i rly value those kind of narratives and overall the atmosphere of the show was just very healing. also heather headley is so damn pretty i was completely enamored with her the whole season

everwood - little to no one has heard of this show likely bc it started airing at around the same time as the oc and one tree hill and i mean. obv it was going to be overlooked in comparison. but personally i love it a lot! the initial plot's about this kid ephram who's just lost his mom and moves to colorado with his dad and sister. his dad worked a lot before his mom's death and as such ephram doesn't really have much of a relationship with him, so rebuilding that is a huge focus. there's also amy, aka the girl ephram likes, who's dealing with some trauma of her own bc her brother landed her boyfriend in a coma. there's a lot of baggage in this show re: death and i think there's a sadness that really permeates the atmosphere, but not in a way that's disconcerting per se. it's just real. it gets down to the ugliness and loneliness of trauma, esp wrt the teen characters, and i really appreciate that. the only major flaw is there's a plot point where ephram dates his college babysitter who is in college and gets her pregnant although his dad scares her off so he never finds out. but we ignore that

friday night lights - as someone who was in marching band and could still not for the life of me tell you what is what in football, this show is so damn good. it's about a rural texas town exclusively driven by its football team, except this year, the first game starts off with the star player being paralyzed from the waste down, putting a number of different people on the spot: the star player's girlfriend, his best friend, the new head coach, the runner-up qb who has never actually played a real game. i think anyone who watches the show ends up watching it for a specific character or dynamic but at the core it's just about the like. inherent goodness of people. like some of these people make mistakes due to pressure or grief but most of them are irrevocably human and that's what drives the show forward, as do the unlikely but endearing relationships formed between various people in the town. my personal favorite dynamic is between tim and lyla, who are in a bit of a unique place as the best friend and boyfriend of the injured star player

i hope you enjoy! let me know if you try any of them hehe

[lionsloveandlies]

Do you know anything about the movie Performance 1970? If so please would you share your knowledge with us, I find the whole thing so intriguing but know nothing.

Okay I know I received this ask well over a month ago but I rewatched Performance last night and finally feel prepared to talk about it. I'm going to be separating this into two parts; behind the scenes drama and actual film discussion.

Behind the scenes drama:

Okay so the infamous drama that went down that this is known for is that Keith Richards accused Anita Pallenberg with having an affair on Mick Jagger while on set. This almost broke up The Rolling Stones (kind of like how Brian Jones wanted quiet after Anita left him for Keith) but obviously Mick and Keith were able to get over it and I believe not too long after filming Anita found out she was pregnant with her and Keith's first son Marlon. I remember reading stuff that supposedly Keith presumed that the baby might not have been his but christ that boy is Keith's clone.

However I should also mention that initially Marianne Faithfull was supposed to have Anita's role but she found out she was pregnant and had to be recasted (around that time Anita found out she was pregnant as well but decided to have an abortion so she could keep the role - I'm not shaming, actually good for her! there is no such thing as a bad reason to get an abortion!). But I still can't believe Mick cheated on a pregnant Marianne, I know he horribly cheated on everyone he had ever been with but christ Mick, have a little integrity for once in your life! But that same man also cheated on Bianca Jagger so yeah, he's an idiot.

I would also like to add this film was shot in 1968 and I can't imagine how ahead of its time this would have been but Warner Bros execs were apparently incredibly grossed out by the film, in particular the disgusting and filthy conditions of the bathtub that the 'women' (word used in what I read despite the fact Mick Jagger is in that tub as well) were all bathing in. Honestly the filth is what makes the film so much more real and interesting compared to a lot of other psychedelic films from around that time.

The soundtrack for the film was meant to be done by The Rolling Stones as a whole but due to the affair Keith was not interested in doing that and that was when Brian was going through his breakdown after his second drug bust.... so no score from them :( but it's still an amazing score but there are bits that sound, and forgive me if this makes no sense, that sound very Brian Jones-ish. There are aspects of that score that remind me of his contributions, the songs that he had a big part in composing, and even the A Degree of Murder score. I don't necessarily think they were trying to rip him off, I honestly think it helps add to the whole idea that Mick's character Turner is inspired by Brian (and having seen this film 3x I feel like I can see more and more of him in Turner with just a little hint of Keith for balance).

This is a little more silly and I have pointed it out on my blog before but you can see the kaftan Brian wears at the Rock and Roll Circus on one of the clothing racks in the film (also there are behind the scenes photos of Anita wearing it - probably because it's hers and Brian most likely stole it) Here are comparisons:

I wonder if it was revenge for the amount of clothes Anita took from Brian after their big break up... but that's not important. Now onto the film itself.

Film discussion (Spoilers obviously):

I can honestly say I needed the three watches to be able to understand this. I was completely confused the first time around (did not help I took like 3 gummy edibles and it was the second time I had done that... the sound became distorted in parts and the screen was spinning lol) but I still loved what I watched and specifically remember absolutely loving Mick's performance (still one of my favorites) but there are so many layers to this - everyone always seems to hyper focus on the drug aspect and rarely on the sexuality and gender parts of the film. Obviously drugs are a big part of the film - I believe it was one of the film's directors who stated that Performance was made to be a pro-drug film (which is hilarious). But if that was all the film was then it would have been another forgettable psychedelic film much like The Trip (1967) or Psych-Out (1968) (though I do suggest Psych-Out! I love that film) but it goes much deeper than those films do.

With the drug aspect, I like how the psychedelic, tripping scenes weren't like how the other films did it with bright colorful spinning lights all over the place but instead with a kind of ugly sequence that goes straight to the brain - because that's what drugs do, you're not going somewhere else you are entering your own mind. And Chaz, the film's protagonist played by James Fox, sees in his drugged out state Mick Jagger as the role of his boss making references to his sexuality in a sly way while making all of Chaz's associates strip naked. It's all scored to Mick Jagger's song 'Memo from Turner' (love, love, love this song by the way).

Throughout the film the idea of performing comes up a lot (duh it's the title of the film) but specifically the concept of presenting yourself in such a way that it appeases those around you. In Chaz's case it's shown in the film that his whole persona is a performance, that his toxic masculinity and heterosexuality are not really him. That he over emphasizes his attraction to women because that is what he is meant to be but his true self slips in every once in a while, the main visual I remember is his wall covered in nude photos of women but there also being a few photos of boxers that are in great shape and only wearing shorts. There is a character, Joey, that enters the film who has some kind of a past friendship with Chaz but it clearly went horribly wrong as Chaz's boss does not want him to speak to him. But Chaz disobeys and ends up pissing off Joey so he retaliates by destroying Chaz's apartment with red paint (including the word 'poof' written on the wall), beating the crap out of him, humiliating him and trying to get him to admit to his sexuality. He ultimately kills Joey instead because he would rather be a murderer than admit to who he really is.

Chaz and Turner have an interesting relationship to say the least. Chaz, on one hand, seems to be rather uncomfortable by the 'bohemian' lifestyle that Turner and his two girlfriends, Pherber (Anita Pallenberg) and Lucy (Michele Breton), live. Turner and Pherber take it upon themselves to expand Chaz's mind themselves by 1) trying to get him to dress more femininely and trying to get him to admit that it's perfectly fine to feel like you are a woman sometimes (with reference that neither Turner or Pherber fully identify as either man or woman entirely) and 2) drugging him with hallucinogenic mushrooms leading to the musical sequence featuring Turner.

The film implies throughout that Chaz and Turner have some form of an interest in one another, whether it be platonic, sexual, or romantic I think is more up to the viewer (though I would not say it's platonic...) The scene that gets to me while watching is towards the end, Chaz wakes up and find Turner in his bedroom than it cuts to the two of them in bed together and they embrace but then it cuts to reveal that it isn't actually Turner but Lucy (who Chaz thinks kind of looks more like a younger boy than a woman). He does like Lucy but there is a clear sentiment throughout that he wishes it was Turner who did come to his room. Even Turner seems kind of mad that he let Lucy go down to talk to Chaz when initially he wanted to be the one to do that.

In the end when Chaz is forced to leave because his boss finally found him, he makes one final goodbye to Turner (and Pherber) but Turner is insistent that he join him. Turner represents so much to Chaz, he represents what Chaz secretly wishes to be; completely open with his sexuality and gender and not caring if anyone is uncomfortable by it while also being clearly attracted to Turner as well. But Chaz is confused by everything going on (and he has a limited amount of time before he has to leave) and decides the only way he could be happy now is to become Turner. So he kills Turner, there is a quick shot of going through the bullet hole into his mind (similar to the tripping out scenes) and Chaz leaves. The film's ending is Chaz, now played by Mick Jagger, leaving in a car with his boss.

I must admit it took me until this third time watching to fully grasp the ending. Chaz is sick and tired of performing for everyone (i.e. being a masculine, heterosexual man) and the only way to stop that performance is to put on a new performance and become Turner (i.e. androgynous and non-heterosexual) because I don't think he can ever truly be himself. The whole film is everyone trying to get Chaz to be the real him but that's the last thing he could ever want. He'd rather place all these affectations on himself and play a role instead. It's just now this new performance is more aligned with his 'true' identity but nonetheless it's still a performance.

[scribblewriting65]

Owl House Season 2 Hype/Speculation!

The Owl House (one of my favorite cartoons of recent memory/maybe all time) has been given a season 2 teaser (in the form of a new intro) and Season 3 Greenlight! Obviously I’m over the moon (like many others) and I thought it’d be fun to give some thoughts and speculation on what’s coming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYqzwDPczqs Link to the intro, follow along for a full understanding!

Luz Noceda

Our favorite bi protagonist has been through a lot, but she still shines bright, literally. Her abilities have gotten a small but noticeable upgrade in the intro, able to conjure multiple objects from one glyph. First off, look at her go! She’s killing it! As for speculation, I’m curious (and it seems likely) that she’ll learn more glyphs, maybe even get another upgrade or two alongside the above? She’s a quick learner, so I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Willow Park

Willow didn't have too much in the ways of development in the first season, but she's still got a lot to work with in terms of both powers and friendships, especially with Amity. The undisputed master of plant magic from the cast, this friendly face looks as adorable as ever, even when she conjures gigantic vines with awesome green glowing eyes. She's made massive vines already, almost spreading out like spider webs, but the likelihood of seeing her work magic (Ba dum tsh) with other plants and fauna would be incredible.

Augustus Porter (Gus)

He may be the youngest, but Gus has more than enough heart to make himself known. His optimism shines through as he uses illusion magic with a smile(s), but he also has a touch of snark via his wink, a cool little detail. As for the book, my best guess would be that it's a sort of illusion spellbook (and magic itself will be covered later). He took a sort of backseat amongst the Hexside friend group, but I'm still looking forward to seeing what he can do!

Amity Blight

Once a normal bully, but now a full ally to the whole OH crew and love interest for Luz, Amity has had good steps in character progression, and the tidbits we've seen from press releases have me very excited. In her shot of the intro alone, she exudes confidence and grace, pulling off one of my favorite poses ever as she summons her trademark Abomination Goop. 

While it is true that she took on a more lovestruck personality as the first season went on and she talked with Luz, it's important to remember that she has plenty of power at her disposal, being a top student and Grudgby player even after quitting. And she comes from an abusive home, which we'll be seeing more of (including meeting her parents), giving me both nerves and excitement to see her grow even more into her own. If they can balance her personal and romantic growth, Amity has potential to be a truly standout character.

Eda Clawthorne

While she's been stripped away of her magic (I'll get to that later), Eda still has her trademark snark as she uses Owlbert. While Lilith only got two still frames, I still wanna point out how the sisters could interact. Eda will likely have uncertain feelings throughout the show possibly even to the point of those feelings being her second arc for the season, with the first being learning glyph magic from and with Luz. King also gets a shoutout from being in Eda's hair, but he could have an interesting arc if previous promo materials were anything to go by. Either way, Eda has a lot to unpack and learn, and I very much look forward to it!

Extras

Since they didn't get much attention, I'll go through the other important characters relatively quickly. First and fastest is Kikimora. She has a wicked design change when she's enraged, with her hair growing larger and exposing her other eye, which has inverted colors from the one we normally see. As for her role, I'm thinking she'll take Lilith's normal place, being Emperor Belos' public face/representative even more now that Lilith's defected.

Along with Kikimora, we have the Spy (no official name given). He looks cool in his robe and mask, and it'll be interesting to see if anything comes about when he fully reveals his face. As for his role, we already know that he's spying on the Owl House from the end of Season 1. However, I believe there's at least a bit more to him. With his robe, mask and staff being very similar to that of Belos, I'm thinking that not only is he Belos' best spy, but possibly his best and/or favorite apprentice or something similar, with a slim possibility of him being Belos' successor, should that come up.

As for the Emperor himself, he's patched his mask back up and is looking to be much more involved this season. There isn't much to go off of with what we got from Season 1, but I'm interested in seeing just how else he does magic differently, and whatever's going on with his staff that seems much more mechanical than other staffs we've seen.

Details/Final Thoughts

One element that was common with all the moving characters in the intro is the lack of magic circles (a cornerstone of magic in The Owl House), instead using glowing parts (like Willow's eyes or Amity's hands) to convey magic being used. I saw a theory that this could lead to an evolution in their abilities, and while that would be cool, I'm not sure that'll apply to everyone in the intro. Maybe Luz, but the others I'm not sure.

Speaking of magic, Eda shouldn't be able to use magic with her curse still in effect (even if it's only in half). My best guess? She's drawing from Owlbert, her living staff. She'll be much more limited with what she can do, but it would be a good way to show that she isn't completely powerless, but still needing a whole new education with anything beyond the bare essentials of magic. With the colors being much darker and more detailed than the original opening, we're going to be getting, well, darker with the tone of the story, which I very much look forward to. 

I already touched on Lilith and Eda's relationship, but now it's also a race between the Owl House and Belos to finish a portal to get Luz home, which I think will have big effects on the world. Even smaller things like meeting Amity's parents will have impact, and as someone with an abusive father, I'm interested in seeing how they expand on what Amity's parents are like beyond what we got in Season 1, and how her friends will help.

Overall, I’m extremely happy with what we’ve gotten here! Dana Terrace and The Owl House crew, you guys have done fantastic work, please feel proud of yourselves as you keep it up! Season 1 was great, and I’ve got high expectations for Season 2. This is gonna be good!

And please, tell me your thoughts below! Got any good theories? Hopes for the coming episodes? Let me know!

[graces-of-luck]

What is my aro latinidad (Carnival of Aros, March 2021)

I’m hosting Carnival of Aros this month (call for submissions can be found here) with the theme of intersectionality and inclusivity, and I figured I’d write a bit about my thoughts and experiences related to this. 

There is no denying that the aromantic community is marginalized. We are small, often not acknowledged or recognized, pushed aside…This feeling is something I recognize as an experience of another aspect of my identity. A lot of people experience this multiple marginalization. Our different identities intersect and mingle and can sometimes create complicated, messy, entangled stories of ourselves. To compartmentalize these is to deny ourselves the expression of our whole selves. This is why I find intersectionality so important. 

It makes sense that the aromantic community focuses on aromanticism. But we cannot deny that there can be many different ways to experience aromanticism. We engage in community and activism for several reasons: finding connection, having a place to be ourselves, increasing visibility, creating resources, and so forth. But I think an important reason for activism is to liberate ourselves. But we cannot liberate ourselves if we don’t include those who are marginalized for other reasons. It’s all of us or none of us. We may one day be able to “expand” the system to include us aromantics, but if we neglect those of us who are marginalized in other ways, it will be a false and tenuous freedom. It will become “alright, you’re allowed to be aromantic and we accept you, but only within this boundary.” This is the problem that I see with mainstream LGBTQ+ respectability politics. We complain about how “love is love” leaves us out… but we may be doing the same to our fellow aros if we don’t take diversity and intersectionality into account in our own community.

As I learn more about myself, the more realize how many times over I am a minority. But I will focus on one aspect of myself that I think receives little attention in the aromantic community. I am Latine. Specifically, I am a Latine immigrant, which influences how I experience my latinidad (and whether I am allowed to experience and express it).

Latine culture can have a rather strict view on marriage and children (especially in more conservative/religious populations). Getting married and having children is just something you do. It’s a duty. Depending on how strict it is, romance and attraction can be considered secondary (although I do see that changing). In a way, there is no romantic (or sexual) orientation because it doesn’t matter. Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Pan? Aro? Doesn’t matter, you still get married to someone of the “opposite” sex and have children. You might be queer, but it’s not something you do or act on. When I was a minor, dating was strictly prohibited in my household. The parents of my Latine peers were also often rather strict about dating, especially with girls. After I became an adult, my parents started pressuring me into dating but with the express purpose of getting married, not necessarily for “finding the love of my life” or for the purpose of romance. Saying things like “I’m not interested in dating or in romantic relationships” were often met with looks of “alright, and…?” Saying “I don’t want to get married and have kids” is what caught their attention.

I grew up with my parents telling me that family is the most important thing because you can’t rely on friends. “When you get older, your husband is going to be the only person you trust, and you can’t ever let friends interfere in that.” Now, an important detail. We are religious cult survivors. So it’s difficult for me to disentangle how much of this is due to distrust from trauma and being programmed (cults often program you to be insular and cut others out) and how much of it is due to amatonormativity and the cultural view on marriage. We are also immigrants, and marriage is often seen as a necessary (financial) safety net, so that could be a factor there too.

With all this, I find it difficult to come out to my family, not only because of potential backlash, but because… how do I even explain to them what a romantic orientation is? They’re aware that there are gay people, for instance, but to them that’s not an orientation. They would have to understand that 1) it is possible to be something other than straight, 2) it’s not a “lifestyle choice”, and 3) not being straight is not a consequence of trauma or abuse or mental illness. So I find often that coming out guidelines don’t really work for me because of this. Coming out as aromantic is already difficult because explaining aromanticism can be an ordeal in and of itself. In my case, I would have to start from the very beginning. Not to mention that the process and expectations of coming out are in some ways dominated by Whiteness.

One thing that was complicated in my aromantic journey is the differences in intimacy in Latine culture and in American culture, where I primarily grew up. For example, physical intimacy and affection are much more common and prevalent amongst family members and friends in Latine culture. In America, this is often reserved for romantic relationships. I am a physically affectionate person. Living in the US, you can guess the issues this brought. There has been growing acceptance of physical affection in friendship in American society, but it is frustrating to see how physical affection and other forms of intimacy are often considered romantic. This occurs even in the aromantic community sometimes, although much less so and I would say there is much more understanding that various forms of intimacy can occur in friendship. But it is sometimes odd for me when something I’d consider typical intimacy in friendship, such as physical intimacy, gets potentially labeled as sensual attraction. It would be great to see discussions on intimacy and relationships across cultures.

Also, as is in many areas, Latines and Hispanics tend to be left out or thrown in later as an afterthought. There is increasing recognition for the need of diversity in terms of racial and ethnic groups. Latines don’t always fit in neatly with PoC, so I wonder, where do I fit in? That same question arises when I see “aros of color” or “aro poc”… I’m a mix of things, but I am whitepassing (and therefore have White privilege). Let’s not forget the colonial and anti-Indigenous prejudices that have completely divorced me of my Indigenous heritage (greatly self-inflicted in my family). So I’m unsure if I can claim the aro of color label. But I also don’t completely fit into the typical White mold of the US or Western Europe, which are often considered the symbols of Whiteness. Nonetheless, because of living in the US and now Western Europe, their ideas of intimacy, relationships, and romance have been inflicted upon me as well. There is this feeling that aromantic community is largely White (at least the part of it that has garnered most attention), so the development of my aromantic identity has been shaped by this Whiteness. And it’s been a process for me to discover what a Latine version of my aromanticism would be. I don’t know yet what that is, to be honest. Latine culture can be diverse, and my version of latinidad is also complicated by the fact that I am a lifelong immigrant. Too American for Latin America, too Latine for America (funnily enough, my Latine identity is basically non-existent in Europe, I’m often just seen as American). Still, I would like to see more stories from Latine aros. I want to hear about what aromanticism means to Latines and how other Latines navigate coming out in their families. It seems that maybe there aren’t many Latine aros out there, but having more representation, while just a first step, would be so meaningful.

[whereisthefood123]

With all my love, a letter for me and a gift for you

Pairing: Gajevy - Fairy Tail

Word count: 2.8k

A03//Ffnet

Gajevy week 2020 day 1 prompt: Letters

A/N: This is set during the GMG arc but has some time-skips to the past. Should be clear enough though. Everything between two hyphen (-) and italics is a letter. Things in italics are thoughts.

Welcome to gajevy week 2020! This is for the first day prompt: Letters! As usual, thanks so much to @ranunculusfox for beta my fic and being the best person I could ever wish to have as a friend ❤ Enjoy!

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Why did I do that?!

Levy's hand tangled in her unruly blue hair while the other one held for dear life to the doorknob of her room. As soon as the door clicked shut, she started pacing around the small space between her bed and bounced around her head while her heart pounded its way out of her chest.

I'm just making a big deal out of this. Nothing else. It's just silly. I'm being silly.

Right?

She stopped as she eyed the leftover red ribbon that sat on top of her desk. Earlier that morning, she had been so sure, so confident while preparing her special gift. Her cheeks were still sore from how widely she had been smiling just picturing the scene, the words her mouth would utter, the cheeky grin with a sharp fang that would surely be thrown her way after opening the package. And now…

"Ugh! How could I be so stupid?!" she flopped down onto her bed on her back, rubbing her palms over her eyes and down her face, trying to erase the memory, erase the flick of red eyes meeting hers, erase the lack of a grin, erase the echo of heavy footsteps getting farther away from her and leaving her hollow in a lonesome hallway.

She huffed defeatedly. Nothing she did was helping her feel any better. It only helped to make her feel worse. Levy looked back to the desk and next to the annoying little reminder of her impromptu gift, sat a blank piece of paper and an ink pen. She frowned but still got up from her bed. She sat down heavily on the desk, pushing away the red ribbon and getting a firm grab on her pen.

She started writing.

-Dear Levy,

What did you expect?! You knew this could happen! So stop sulking around like a schoolgirl with a crush!-

"I'm not sulking," she said out loud while puffing her cheeks.

Okay, yes, I'm sulking.

And though the reader might think that our lovely bookworm has officially lost her mind, this is not the case. No, Levy is just using one of Lucy's tricks when the celestial mage can't wrap her head around something in particular: she writes letters. To whom? Well, it varies from time to time. Sometimes, Lucy writes letters to her late parents, sometimes to her guildmates, and sometimes even to herself. Whether she ever keeps her letters or burns them, depends entirely on the timely visit of a particular hyperactive fire dragon-slayer.

But let's not get sidetracked, shall we?

Lucy's advice had come in handy for Levy as she had written several letters in the past year (not considering Tenrou's time skip) and it had proven to be a healing process for the solid-script mage. Maybe due to the nature of her magic, Levy's thoughts would always clear out once written on paper. No matter how turbulent her emotions were, she always found an answer on what to think or how to act after reading over her newest letter, tracing each scrip with ink-stained fingers, sometimes marvelling at how accurate her letters were able to give a physical form to her feelings and thoughts.

Her first letter had been written right after two new members had joined Fairy Tail. Same two mages who had waged a war against the same guild they were being welcomed to.

-Why would Master Makarov let them join Fairy Tail?! I mean, I'm not doubting Master, but… why? He knows what they did to us, what he did to me, Jet and Droy… so why?

And…

Why did he jump in front of Laxus lightning? To protect me? It couldn't be… he could have… pushed me aside for that.

But he was also holding back from Jet and Droy's attacks. What was all that about? What is he trying to accomplish?

Can he be… different? From the monster in the alley from back then?

No, that's just silly, right? Levy, you're being silly… There's no way Gajeel Redfox, iron dragon-slayer had a sudden change of heart, right?

Right…?

Then, why did he save me from Laxus...?-

Another one had been written after the announcement of the participants for the S-class trials.

-You go girl!

I'm so excited I got chosen to be on the s-class trials this year! Yay!

And even Cana and Lucy are going to be there! This is going to be amazing!

If I'm honest, I'm pretty nervous hehe. I don't know how well I'll be able to fight my way through the trials… I'm small and my magic is not... the strongest…

…

…

But it doesn't matter!

With Gajeel as my partner, I'm sure we'll do great! Well, that's what he said. He'll make me big, so I cannot give up without a fight!

Though it's pretty weird he volunteered to be my partner… It's probably just because he still holds a rivalry with Natsu. Such a dummy… but well, if he can help me get to S-class, I won't complain of him picking a fight with anyone else in Tenrou Island!

This time, I'll prove I can be strong as well!-

All of Levy's letters shared two characteristics. One, they were always addressed to herself. And two, she only wrote one when a certain iron dragon-slayer was involved. Though at the start Levy was oblivious to this last characteristic, she became aware that all her letters included him in some way or another, much to her embarrassment. And today was no different.

This morning, Levy had been eager to meet up with the iron dragon-slayer. She had managed to steal a moment with him right after the rambunctious dinner the guild had at the local bar.

It was day 3 of the Grand Magic Games and Levy had gathered the courage to approach Gajeel right before he headed back to his room. She stood straight meeting ruby eyes but soon she fidgeted under such strong gaze. She would have wrung her hands if they weren't occupied by the small gift that she hid behind her back.

"Ehm… Gajeel… uhm…"

"Oi, what is it, Shrimp?" His strong voice made her snap back to action and she shoved her gift forward.

"This is for you." She felt the blush form on her cheeks and heat up her entire body but she refused to flee. Still, this was too much for her and averted her eyes from his.

She felt the roughness of his fingertips when he grabbed the package, an involuntary shiver travelled down her spine. After some rustling of paper, she heard a sharp breath intake.

Are you surprised? Do you like it?

"Uhm…" Levy's voice returned to her but she kept her eyes fixed on her shoes. Her hands played with the edge of her sleeves now that they were free from the intense weight of the surprisingly light package. "I noticed that your hair kept falling on your eyes...d-during the race... So maybe this can help you. It's something small but I-" the words died on her mouth as she finally looked up.

Gajeel was looking at her with wide eyes and an unreadable expression settled on his face. His shoulders were tense as if he had been given an incredible burden he couldn't seem to wrap his head around, the headband Levy had just given him rested on his hand in a gentle grasp. The air around him crackled with anxiety. His eyes were piercing through her, observing her every move, every breath she took, as if he was gauging the moment with intense scrutiny. He looked like a cornered beast, instincts flaring to decide whether to run or fight. The presence of his breath was almost entirely concealed and the absence of his words was too loud to take any longer.

"Uhm… Gajeel, a-are you o-?"

"Ah." He averted his eyes for a second and when he looked back at her, there was a sudden firmness to his eyes. Cold as steel and impenetrable to any question that rested on Levy's tongue. An iron wall had been raised between them both, as high as the sky and as wide as the length of Earthland itself. And the foundation of the new impenetrable barrier was the silly headband that Levy had gifted him.

A gift that was supposed to bound his hair out of his face had severed the thread of their rare friendship instead. A gift that was soft and light had been the sharpest weapon that pulled them apart. Not the night terrors, not the remorse… a simple headband had been enough.

For all that Levy is a solid-script mage, she couldn't find her mind or mouth to form any words.

After another silent second, Gajeel nodded, all firm and distant. He turned around and resumed his walk back to his room, leaving Levy confused and, for some reason, cold in the empty hallway.

Yearning twisted her heart with every step he took until she couldn't take it anymore. But as much as her soul cried to follow him, to ask him what was wrong, to apologize if she had done something wrong, her feet refused to do so. Her entire body was all too aware of the iron wall that kept them at a distance. And no matter how bad it hurt, she tore her eyes from his retreating back. Step by step, she moved down the opposite side of the hallway until she found herself running in a mad sprint until she reached her room. Confusion and dejection muddled her mind and a gaping hole expanded in her chest where her heart used to be. Nothing made sense.

Absolutely nothing.

Did I fuck up somehow? It was a friendly gift, wasn't it? Did I offend him somehow?

Nothing of that interaction made sense, and if she knew Gajeel any less, she would have said that he looked… a little bit… scared.

But why?

Hence, Levy sat down at her desk to write herself a letter. To try to stitch back together the ravelling edges of her heart.

-Dear Levy,

What did you expect?! You knew this could happen! So stop sulking around like a schoolgirl with a crush! Not that you have one on him, right?

He's weird. And you know that. Better than anyone. Well, maybe not better than Juvia but you definitely know he's a bit weird and awkward.

But this? This is just… I don't know. I didn't expect this. I thought he would make fun of me, or maybe just give back the gift (wow that would have hurt more, huh?) or maybe say 'Thank you' (yeah, right, Gajeel Redfox saying 'thank you', don't think so).

Then, why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt that he just… left and didn't say anything?

It was just a gift. As a friend! It didn't mean anything else… right?

Then, why do I feel like this? Could it be… Were you… Was I… expecting something else?

Why does everything always get so complicated when it's about Gajeel Redfox?! Why do I feel this way?!

Why?!-

Levy's pen lifted from its canvas just when the first tear threatened to spill from the mage's eye, but she refused to acknowledge it. She gritted her teeth and held her pen in a death-grip, close to crushing pressure.

"I- I…" she choked on a stubborn sob that escaped her lips. "I-" she tried again, growling in frustration at how her voice cracked. "He's an idiot and teases me nonstop. He's always looking for a fight and a big big dummy!"

"But I-," she heaved a breath, "I…" Her pen resumed her place on the parchment of paper.

-I love him.-

And somehow, those three words grounded her and made her soar to the higher skies. They felt so heavy she thought her tongue incapable of pronouncing them, yet she felt lighter reading them over and over again. Butterflies fluttered in her chest, filling the gaping hole that had formed in a hallway. New colours painted each memory with Gajeel and though she could still see the iron wall that separated them, built new not even an hour ago, she now had the strength and the courage to carve three words into the cool metal.

I love you.

As a solid-script mage, Levy knew how three words could transform into a powerful spell. But not these. Never these. Because she would never wield them to inflict harm, never use them to destroy the barrier in her way. No, Levy knew the carving of three words will not bring the wall between them down or even make it thinner. And she was fine with that. She was fine with the carving only existing on her side. Because, even if it was a one-sided love, for the first time in so long, Levy felt that everything was right. This love she held for him, so strong and sturdy, yet gentle and warm, filled her with peace.

I love you.

Her muddled thoughts and feelings finally cleared out. The ends of her heart pulled back together with stronger threads that mesh together with the absolute peace offered only by a love declaration letter.

She was in love with Gajeel Redfox. And she had been for some time now. That's why she always sought him out at the guild. Why she felt so at ease during the S-class trials with him as her partner. Why she worried each time he came back with a new set of scars.

He was the reason why she often wrote herself a new letter.

"I love him," she uttered in the quiet of the night and the loneliness of her room. The tears had finally fallen down her cheeks like thin slivers of a new-born creak.

A gentle smile spread over her face as Levy put her pen down. With a flick of her hands and a small script spell, her letter was stored with the rest of her letters, safely tucked away from prying eyes. She made her way to her bed and got under the covers. With another flick of her hand, the lights in the room switched off.

As she closed her eyes, only one thought crossed her mind.

She was in love with Gajeel Redfox. She was in love with a stupid big lug dragon-slayer, who always picks a fight with Natsu and acts so silly with Lily, who teases Levy non-stop about her height and then says she's amazing for decyphering some runes. This love, so strong yet so well-concealed behind a rare friendship, made her feel at ease for once in so long.

And though he might not feel the same way for her as he had no obligation to reciprocate her love, Levy decided that she could live with that. She could live with a one-sided love carved in metal. Because somehow, some way, this feeling, loving him, felt so right. As if her heart had been waiting so long to beat at the rhythm of those words. So, she will not stop. She will not run away from her own feelings anymore. She will face them head-on. She will welcome the pace her heart had set for herself, with all the bumps and hardships that it might bring. She will embrace it with open arms and paint the grey of the iron wall with the colours his presence has brought to her life.

Levy's breath evened out and she finally allowed sleep to take over her, the gentle smile never easing from her lips.

What she didn't expect but the avid reader must have guessed by now, is that the next night, Levy would be grabbing her ink pen again along with a new sheet of paper. Because on the morning of day 4 of the Grand Magic Games, Levy had been fully prepared to deal with her one-sided love, with the taste of bitter rejection in her mouth. But she had no strategy on how to think, feel or act when Gajeel Redfox came into the battle arena wearing the same headband she had given him the night before.

Her heart thudded loudly in her chest, deafening every sound around her. Electricity coursed through her veins at the meaning behind this scene. Her mind ran a mile a minute while her tongue rested unmoving in her drying mouth.

And right before the battle started, Levy's entire being froze when red eyes locked onto her hazel ones. Where coldness and harshness had been present the night before, the ruby of his eyes now held a new warmth and determination. An acknowledgement was settled in those eyes, a recognition of the meaning behind a simple piece of cloth, and, strangely, an apology entwined with a promise of something else, a promise that had nothing to do with the current battle, but everything to do with the future.

And well, let's just say that Levy's newest letter will not be too long as it would hold the exact length of three words.

-Could it be?-

Cracks had formed in the iron wall, letting a bright light shine through.

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A/N: Hope you enjoy the story! Leave your comments :) I'm also on twitter (@wtf123) and on the gajevy discord :) Happy gajevy week 2020 to everyone!

[travllingbunny]

The 100: 7x08 Anaconda

The mini-rewatch of season 7 that @jeanie205 and me did during this mini-hiatus is finished, and with that, I’m going to finally post my reviews of 7x08 and 7x09, hopefully before the show returns.

I’m tempted to start talking about the opening scene without any introduction, just like the episode itself started with no “Previously on” and no cold open (the latter, I believe, for the first time since season 1, when the show still did not have any opening titles).. but I’m going to still say a few general things before going into details under the cut. 

When it was first announced that an episode of The 100′s final season would be the backdoor pilot for a prequel show, that info was met with a lot of hostility (to the effect of “why waste a full episode on new characters instead of those we know”), which didn’t surprise me much. What did surprise me was that people mostly seemed to expect the episode to be 100% set in the past and unrelated to anything from season 7 - which, as far as I know, is not how backdoor pilots normally work, they still have to fit within the season they’re a part of. The structure of the episode is more in line with what I expected - while most of the episode is set in the past, the framing device is a scene of Clarke confronting Bill Cadogan in the Stone Room on Bardo, and the long flashback is both setting up a possible prequel, and revealing things relevant to the plot of season 7. The biggest connecting points are the Anomaly Stone on Earth, the importance of the Flame for Cadogan and the Disciples, and Cadogan himself, who is clearly not going to be a character in the prequel except possibly in flashbacks, but who is one of the main antagonists of season 7. The episode works as a backdoor pilot but is also interesting as a part of the backstory of The 100. 

I really enjoyed the episode - and as it turns out, I enjoyed it even more on rewatch, when I could stop and soak in all the new info and details - and I hope the prequel does picked up, as it has a lot of potential to be interesting, though there is one big concern I have about it. More about that at the end of this post under “Prequel speculation”.

So no Previously on this time (unsurprisingly), no cold open - and we get a brand new version of the opening titles - since this episode technically fully takes place on Bardo, these opening titles start with the Bardo Stone Room and end with another shot of the Stone Room we haven’t seen before in the OT, one with the Stone. The Stone Room is where they begin and end, just like the episode itself. And just like Clarke and the rest of her group have been stuck in this Stone Room for 4 episodes.

But I actually don’t mind it in this episode. At least Clarke is in the focus of these few minutes we spend in the present, and I really like these few minutes. We start with an expanded version of Clarke's response to the news of Bellamy's "death", with slow motion, distorted angles and close-ups of Clarke’s face showing shock and grief and numbness (and I’m going to post another screenshot of that, because I want to savor the moments when the show focuses on characters’ grief before going back to the action - and not just the type of grief that results in going off the rails and murdering people.) We also see Raven on the verge of tears, and Miller choking a little - the other two people who have been Bellamy’s friends for a long time. Clarke being Clarke, she picks herself up the moment she sees someone else in pain (Raven) and focuses on honoring Bellamy’s memory, just as Bellamy did in 4x13 when he believed Clarke was dead, and tells Raven they need to save Octavia and Echo: “We do this for him. We do this for our family” - acknowledging that saving them is something of particular importance as they were people important to Bellamy, and also including them in the “family”, as the term these people use to describe their group and the bonds that have formed over time. (Family is bond closer and less close than friendship. You can be someone’s friend and their family, but you can also be a part of someone’s family without necessarily having developed a friendship with that person, due to the overall bonds and loyalty.)

Then we get the first meeting between Clarke and probably the season’s main antagonist, Bill Cadogan, who comes to another wrong conclusion when he thinks she recognized him because she has the Flame (and, he hopes, Callie’s memories), when it's actually from a video Jaha showed her.

Gabriel has another moment where he helps Clarke (as when he covered for her in 5x13) and silently communicates with her to let her know that the Disciples believe she still has the Flame, so she could keep up that pretense. These two work well as a team.

The bulk of the episode is the flashback framed as Bill telling a story to Clarke - though we don’t actually see the flashback from his POV, and he doesn’t even appear in many of the scenes. In fact, it is almost all from Callie’s POV, and some of it from Reese’s.

And we get back to Clarke and the Stone Room in the end, with the shocking “twist” of Clarke and the Nakara group seeing Octavia, Echo and Diyoza as Disciples. Shocking for them, not for us - we know they had no choice. 

Clarke saying “You killed my best friend!” has caused some pointless (but in this fandom, expected) drama, where some fans saw that as “confirmation” that Bellarke is and will remain completely ‘platonic” - even though that makes no sense. What did anyone expect her to call him? My boyfriend? He wasn’t that. The man I love? My soulmate? Someone expected her to say that to an enemy she’s never met before, in front of a bunch of her friends and other people?  Very unlikely, even if he hadn’t still been Echo’s boyfriend when he “died”. Some thought “Bellamy” or “him” would have been better, but what would that mean to Cadogan? He’s never met her and knows nothing about her, and she was trying to make it clear how much Bellamy meant to her. If anything, the fact that she’s singled him out as her best friend is a big progress from their usual habit of never defining their relationship to each other - except for Clarke including Bellamy in the collective designation of her “friends” or “family”.

I love the way the Chromatics cover of Neil Young’s “Into the Black” was used in the ending montage - so I made two gifsets about the use of the song for the Cadogan family scenes, and for the scene with Clarke:

https://travllingbunny.tumblr.com/post/623186143096307712/its-better-to-burn-out-than-to-fade-away-the

https://travllingbunny.tumblr.com/post/623186346138370048/its-better-to-burn-out-than-it-is-to-rust-the

Flashback

This is our second look at the world pre-apocalypse - after the brief scene of Josephine’s memory in 6x07, where we saw Josephine and her friend in the diner. But that scene took place several years before the apocalypse (depending on how much time was needed to get from Earth to Sanctum on Eligius 3, which did not have damaged engines as Eligius 4 did after the uprising), since Josephine and her family and the rest of Mission Team Alpha were already on Sanctum 7 years before the apocalypse. And Josephine and her friend were far less interested in the current events than Callie or August, so we only got a few outside references, including the magazine covers which showed that Diyoza’s capture was the main national news, and that Becca was already very high profile and on the cover of a technology/science magazine.

This, however, is the very day of the apocalypse. In the first scene - Callie Cadogan and her friend Lucy in Callie’s and her mother’s home, after participating in a protest as parts of environmentalist group with the familiar name Tree Crew -  we get lots of info about just how crappy this world was even before ALIE started a nuclear apocalypse, through various news items on TV (see this post) - and it is like 2020, only taken to the 10th degree:

natural disasters as a result of global warming (a deathly heath wave is mentioned), new diseases (Coronavirus “Russian Ankovirus” outbreak), economic inequality (one of the news is that measures aimed at poverty relief haven’t met with support in Congress), internment camps in USA, anti-government protests in the USA that end up with riot police beating up protestors, together with technological developments, such as the first orbiting hotel (I wonder if anyone was already using it - if they were, there would be more survivors in space, but it doesn’t seem this ever became a part of the Ark), or the first brain transplant. a medical development which begs some ethical questions (since I’m pretty sure that a person with a functioning brain is still alive... I cant think of several different scenarios, disturbing to various degrees). 

The world’s population has risen to 11 billion - I guess that’s why ALIE thought there were “too many people” (but her reasoning was as flawed as Thanos’ - instead of killing people, how about increasing or just better redistributing resources?). 

It’s also confirmed that a Wallace was the POTUS at the time, meaning that the President and the administration went to the underground bunker at Mount Weather to survive the apocalypse (after which, as we know, they did the North Korean thing where they nominally live in a republic but their leaders are really hereditary).

Callie calls the US regime at the time “fascistic”, echoing how Diyoza characterized it in season 5.

Callie,her friend Lucy and August were all members of the environmentalist group Tree Crew (who already had the same symbol we later see Trikru the clan using), apparently declared illegal or terrorist or something by the Wallace administration.

Callie and Grace Cadogan also used to be members of the Second Dawn cult, led by her father Bill, together with her brother Reese. August also used to be a member. Possibly as a child of some other members. 

Becca Franko - described as “tech tycoon” and “reclusive billionaire” - had not been seen in public for a year, since she went to her Polaris space station (to work on the Flame, as we know), a year after she created the first ALIE (and quickly realized ALIE had a fatal flaw). She also owned her own network.

One other piece of info about this world: they had holograms as a means of communication.

Something that was not in the news and not known to the public: it seems that quite a few people were “in the know” about the fact that a nuclear apocalypse may happen (whether they suspected it would be ALIE, or thought there would be a nuclear war) - and even had a code word for it, “Anaconda”. Bill Cadogan was one of the people who knew it. The POTUS and his administration obviously had enough time to evacuate. It’s mentioned that a lot of people immediately started trying to get to the bunkers. 

Cadogan and Becca did not personally know each other before the apocalypse, but he apparently had “friends” in many of the space stations. This explains how she knew where the real Second Dawn bunker was located. But whoever these “friends” were, they clearly did not pass on that knowledge to the future generations on the Ark, since even Jaha, who researched Second Dawn, was only able to find public info - articles, Cadogan’s biography - and didn’t even know where the decoy bunker was, let alone the real one.

The most important thing the backdoor pilot needs to do, of course, is introduce compelling, interesting characters. It did pretty well in that regard - Callie is a likable protagonist, and the fact that the antagonists - Bill and Reese Cadogan - are her father and brother, gives more emotional resonance by putting family relationships at the center. The new characters have some similarities to the main characters from The 100, but are at the same time different enough. 

The comparison between Callie and Clarke is the most obvious. Oddly enough, Jason tried to draw a difference between them by saying Callie is focused on saving “everyone” rather than “her people” - which makes me scratch my head, unless he means that Callie will always remain absolutely the same through the prequel show, since Clarke also started off by wanting to save everyone - and that was her driving motive for a long time, until the plot kept putting her in situations where she had to choose between her friends and family and strangers, where the latter would often be aggressors attacking her people. What strikes me as the biggest difference i- not just between Callie and Clarke but between all these prequel characters and the main characters of The 100 - is their background and the world they have grown up in. Clarke and Callie are both “princesses” - from the privileged background, but in Clarke’s case, it’s privileged relative to the majority of other people from the Ark, like the Blakes or Raven (which meant things like, nicer living quarters, opportunity to watch recordings of old soccer matches as entertainment, probably less worry about not getting the medicine you need), but in comparison with the way the most of the viewers live... definitely not. The world Clarke was born in is a post-apocalyptic world of scarce resources and constant fight for survival, and even her happy (by those standards)’ life in that world ends a year before the Pilot, when her father is executed and she has spent a year in solitary confinement, expecting to be executed herself - before she’ and 99 teenagers are sent to Earth as “expendable”. On the other hand, Callie, Reese, August, Tristan and others grew up in a world similar to our own. There are, of course, many people in our world who also have to fight for their own day-to-day survival every day, but the Cadogans are rich, and the rest of the Second Dawn members and their families are no doubt not far off. This is Callie’s house:

Some of these middle-class and upper middle-class kids are rebellious, idealistic and optimistic and worry about the fate of the world, like Callie, Lucy and August.  On the other hand, there’s Reese, whose driving motivation is to impress his father and gain his love. He’s a rich boy with daddy issues, but he’s also a victim of emotional abuse - maybe physical, too (if we take into account a cut scene  showing a training session where his father injures him, under the explanation of making him tougher or whatever). Callie and Reese are only the second sibling dynamic we see explored on the show (I’m not counting Emori and Otan, since the latter appeared very shortly), and this dynamic - a sibling rivalry between a rebellious girl who is her father’s favorite even while she opposes and rejects him, and her jealous brother who wants to impress his father - is completely different from the Blakes. (It reminds me a bit of Gamora amd Nebula - and I’ve just realized this is the second time in this review I’ve referenced MCU.)

Watching this family dynamic, I was reminded of another family that paralleled and contrasted the Griffins: the Lightbournes. Particularly when Grace called Bill a narcissist with psychopathic tendencies and he was entertained by that, In the flashback in 6x02. Simone called Russell a megalomaniac - but that was really said as a cute joke, as the Lightbournes were happily married, and Simone was just as bad as Russell, and even more ruthless than him. But in both cases, we have destructive rich white guy megalomaniacs who made themselves into gods, and want to bring back their dead daughters. Daughters are both extremely intelligent, brilliant and charismatic, but completely different in personality. (The mothers, while all very different, seem all to have been medical professionals - I’m not sure about Grace, but Callie does mention learning how to stitch a wound from her.) Callie sees that her father is an a-hole and rejects his values, and is an idealist and altruist who wants to do the right thing and save people (while Josephine was a selfish narcissist). Her mother Grace is somewhere in between, as she also left Second Dawn and doesn’t fully agree with Bill - but will often go along with him, and tries to keep peace between the other family members, and thinks their family needs to “set an example”. With the Griffins, we had an idealistic, altruistic father and a daughter with similar characteristics, who adored him and misses him after losing him, and a mother who was similarly concerned with helping others, and the conflicts between them were about how to go about these solutions. With the Lightbourne, we had the evil version of the Griffins, and the Cadogans have a more complicated dynamic. Callie is more comparable to Clarke, and Bill to Russell. 

But one aspect in which Bill Cadogan is much worse than Russell is - where Russell loved his family, maybe a bit too much, considering what he did to bring them back, Bill loves himself and his “savior” role more than anything. Maybe his love for Callie comes close - and I get the impression that one of the main reasons he loves her is because he respects her and she challenges him - but it is still not his main motive.  He is ready to punish his ex-wife for disobeying him by leaving her to die. Reese is an a-hole, but it’s hard not to feel sorry for him when he thinks for a moment that his father is worried for him (when Bill runs up to Reese, who's injured) but Bill immediately shows that all he cares about is getting the Flame, so he can get the final code for the Anomaly.

Another issue is, of course, that Callie, Reese and Grace are POC, but I don’t know if race - or sexuality, or gender - will ever be raised as an issue on the prequel show itself - or if the world pre-apocalypse and right after it is supposed to be as post-race, post-sexuality, post-gender as the current timeline of The 100 is. On The 100, for instance, Thelonius and Wells Jaha being black or Clarke being bisexual or a woman, were not issues that affected their status - only class issues existed; if the pre-apocalypse society was different, then the show could explore Callie, Reese and Grace being very privileged in terms of class and status in SD as Cadogan’s family, and lack of privilege in other respects.

I’m not sure I fully buy the way Callie easily goes along with her mother and leaves her best friend to die. It seems to go against the rest of her characterization. But maybe it shows that she still wasn’t a full-blown rebel at this point, in spite of participating in the protests against the government and in spite of rebelling against her father - maybe she still wasn’t able to really rebel against her mother, too. 

Interesting line - as Callie stitches Lucy's injuries, Lucy says: "I don't want to be scarred for life" - which may be foreshadowing for Callie being scarred and haunted by the fact she left Lucy to die? Unless Lucy turns out to somehow be alive - but worse for wear. Which would again haunt Callie, too.

I guess Callie’s failure to at least try harder is supposed to be what drives her to try and save other people, after she learns that there was still room and resources for almost 100 more people in the bunker - and when she sees August fighting tooth and nail to save his girlfriend, when she is barred from the bunker because she’s not “Level 12″. August is clearly a character the show is setting us up to like - these scenes are reminiscent of Bellamy fighting to open the door for his sister, and his name evokes the Blakes (Octavia was named after Octavian August’s sister)..

(Sidenote: Callie mentions a high suicide rate (20 suicides in the last 6 months, twice as many attempts) - and this is something that would realistically happen in such a dire situation. It’s a bit unrealistic that it apparently never happened with Wonkru.)

The SciFi plot points relevant to the overall plot make an appearance when we see the Anomaly Stone on Earth, which Bill found in Machu Picchu and brought to the bunker (and we get an explanation why he didn’t use it right after the apocalypse but spent two years in the bunker instead - he didn’t know how to activate it - not being able to find the last two symbols)... and when, two years later, Becca Franko arrives from Polaris in her pod, as we saw in 3x07, with Nightblood as the cure against radiation she’s about to offer everyone, and the Flame in her head.

A few words about how I feel about Becca. While she is here positioned in opposition to Bill Cadogan - who is definitely a megalomaniac a-hole and a villain - I can’t see her as a pure unambiguous and unproblematic good guy we should stan, as Callie stans her. For starters, Becca is also a megalomaniac - she calls her second AI “the Flame”, comparing herself to Prometheus! (But she makes me think of Dr Frankenstein, and the full title of Mary Shelley’s novel was Frankenstein or the Modern Prometheus.) She is, of course, as a genius scientist, a lot more capable and competent than Cadogan,but she also has a huge savior complex (only she is focused on the idea of her AI being the savior, rather than herself), and is also another big capitalist - a “tech tycoon” who owns her own space station and her own network (and was so powerful and politically relevant that the Chinese and the Russian space station were refusing to join the rest of the stations until the US station destroyed Polaris -  Becca was apparently seen as a rival strong enough to challenge the US government?). She worked for a big corporation (Eligius) which colonized other planets and used people - prisoners - as “expendable” work force that can be left to die if necessary. And knowing that she had Nightblood developed more than 7 years before the apocalypse, and that she was worried about what ALIE could do  - I wonder why she didn’t offer Nightblood as the solution for a potential apocalypse before it happened, rather than isolating herself on Polaris to work on the Flame. That was one questionable decision - another one was putting the people on Polaris in danger and letting them die, so she could get the Flame to Earth. I could be more understanding of this decision if I could embrace the idea of the Flame as more important than anything, the one thing needed to save the world, as Becca believed it was. But her idea of a sole savior who will help everyone after being enhanced through an AI is something I find pretty questionable and a bit disturbing in general. To be fair the Flame definitely did fulfill its role once and help a person with a good mind use it to save the world - Clarke in season 3. But that was one time, to save the world from ALIE. This, however, doesn’t really justify passing the Flame on and on and giving people political power with it - even without knowing how distorted her initial idea would become in the Grounder society, surely anyone can see the potential for tyranny there? And Becca was aware that 1) the Flame could also make a bad person become even worse and powerful (as it has with Sheidheda) and 2) someone like Bill could use it to destroy the world, according to Becca herself. Seems like a way too big a risk to take.

There are apparently 744 different Anomaly symbols, which means an “infinite” number of combinations, according to Becca (err, not really; it’s a really, really huge number, but it’s not “infinite”, which bugged me a little, since I wouldn’t expect a scientist, especially one who uses the Infinity symbol as her logo, to use the word “infinity” as an exaggeration).

Becca manages to activate the Stone, not because of any scientific knowledge she has, but because the Flame, apparently, gives her enhanced hearing - allowing her to hear the sounds of the Stone, where each sound stands for a symbol. (Dogs can apparently also hear those rather unpleasant sounds.) Everything in this episode makes it clear that it is the Flame itself that Bill needs to find the code, it's always been about that. (Him thinking Callie is in there is just a bonus - emotional connection.) The Flame had no one's memories/spirit in this episode before Becca died, and Becca made it clear to Callie that it’s all about the Flame itself. If the Disciples knew Clarke didn’t have the Flame anymore, they wouldn’t need Madi or Sheidheda - it’s not about the memories, not even Becca’s., it’s that piece of plastic that's buried on Sanctum, if it can still work. (Or maybe they need Picasso :p.)

The most mysterious moment and the biggest question of the episode is - where (when?) did Becca go and what did she see when she activated the Stone the second time and when she and Callie saw the white light coming from the Anomaly? This is different from the green light we see when the Anomaly takes you to other planets. The white light is probably connected to transcendence and/or the Judgment Day that Becca said she saw - which Cadogan, with his typical arrogance, believes he is ready for. but Becca believes no one is. 

"It wasn't to open the bridge to another world, it was to remake this one" - this line would make me think that our protagonists are meant to rebuild the Earth - but at this point, I find it hard to see how this could happen over in just 7 episodes, with how the current storylines are going. So maybe they’ll focus on rebuilding Sanctum, after all.

For opposing Bill’s plans, Becca is locked up for 5 days, tied to a pipe (geez!) and, guessing what’s about to happen, she explains the Flame to Callie and tells her to take it and never allow Cadogan to have it, as she believes he could destroy the world with it. (Another often asked question was how the Flame survived Becca’s burning - we learn that it can and that it’s programmed to save itself.)

Becca is burned by Second Dawn Disciples led by Reese Cadogan, presumably at his dad’s orders. Which maybe was supposed to evoke the popular idea of “burning a witch”, but the historical fact that burning at the stake was the traditional punishment for heresy fits even better. There’s been speculation that the memory we saw in 5x10 was his - but that’s incorrect: Madi experienced that memory, she felt being burned, screamed and yelled what Becca was yelling, and we saw it from her POV - the Second Dawn members that were around her and herself reflected in their helmets.

Another memory we saw from Madi, the one we saw her draw in 7x09 (and which I initially mistook seems to be a memory of Becca or other people going into the Anomaly) seems to actually be a memory of the moment when Becca first interacted with the Anomaly Stone and talked about it with the other people in the room - Bill, Grace, Callie and Reese. In other words, every one of the Flame memories from this period may be Becca’s - we have no evidence that would help us learn who else took the Flame after her death. It could be any of the characters who stayed on Earth - Bill is the only one who definitely has never gotten his hands on it.

Retcons and Easter Eggs

I’ve always thought that the world-building, especially when it comes to the Grounder society and culture, was the weakest part of the show. Jason obviously followed some of the common tropes of post-apocalyptic fiction when it comes to the portrayal of Grounders, but didn’t think things through - and at some point, probably realized and/or heard/read all the criticism of the show and thought: “This really doesn’t make any sense”,  came up with the Second Dawn backstory, and eventually came up with this expanded backstory, which gives many new explanations. Even though we still don’t have the answer to the biggest question: how a society made of bunch of modern people, survivors, could deteriorate into a tribal society with a medieval level of technological development and lack of knowledge about science and the past culture and history - over a few decades. I guess we need to see the prequel for that, but there are some ideas how it could have happened.  I liked most of the retcons in this episode, such as:

Trigedaslang was devised by Callie as a child. The idea of a new language developing naturally over less than 100 years never made sense. (The “it’s a pidgin” explanation never worked either - as Trig apparently developed without the influence of any other language or necessity to communicate with people who don’t speak English. It’s just distorted/changed English.) The only reasonable explanation was always that it was an artificial language - we just didn’t know when it was made.

Finally we get an explanation about the fact that Grounders originated from the Second Dawn survivors and were influenced by their mottoes (”From the ashes, we will rise”), but at the same time, worship Becca as “Pramheda” and make their leaders take the Flame - in spite of the fact that Cadogan and Becca were rivals and that the latter was burned by the Second Dawn members. 

The fact that two factions already exist - Callie’s (adores Becca, wants to save as many people as possible by using Nightblood, clearly trusts in science) and Reese’s (Second Dawn true believer, burned Becca, needs the Flame for other purposes) may start to explain how things started going wrong and the society fractured.

Speaking of which, the Conclave seems to have originated from Reese Cadogan’s obsession with the fights his father made him have with him and his sister, and his dumbass idea of using a duel to determine who gets the Flame. This is a better explanation than “it is after an apocalypse, so they just started having death tournaments for reasons”. Callie, on the other hand, is much more pragmatic and doesn’t seem to care much about tournaments as a way to prove oneself - because she doesn’t need to, so she does the Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford thing and just pulls the gun and shoots him in the shoulder. One of my favorite moments in this episode. 

“Tree Crew” gets the award as the least expected and funniest new piece of info/retcon, though that begs the question of how the other clans got their names. I’ve joked that Ice Nation were a group of ice hockey fans... but for all I know, maybe that’s true! :D Or maybe the “Trikru” name was later misinterpreted as something to do with living in the woods, so the other clans started having names like “Boat people” or “Shallow Valley people”.

August made up the term Nightblood.  

"You must choose wisely" comes from something Becca said to Callie, about choosing the person to give the Flame to. Too bad that later Commanders didn’t know it meant “find the most qualified person” and instead got the weird idea that it meant making a bunch of kids fight each other and that one of them winning somehow means the dead Commander’s spirit “chose” their successor.

One thing that definitely makes a lot more sense now is the Grounder’s bizarre fashion sense, I can easily see a bunch of 21st century upper middle class/rich teenagers thinking it would be super cool to wear warpaint, tattoos and dreadlocks (even if you’re as white as the original Sheidheda), and some later Commander going: “I want to wear a crown! No, you know what would be cool? That thing Indian women wear on their foreheads? You know that thing? I could wear that!” 

Easter Egg: Callie was reading Ovid’s “Metamorphosis” at home just before the news of the nuclear apocalypse came - the same book that Niylah gave as a gift to Octavia not long after they went into the bunker (5x02). And maybe it is literally the same book - they sure weren’t printing any new books and someone had to bring that book initially to the Second Dawn bunker during the first apocalypse. In 5x02, it was symbolic of Octavia’s transformation into Blodreina. Here, it may be symbolic of Callie becoming a leader, or the transformation of the entire society.

But some other retcons don’t work well:

The Flame’s abilities have been retconed so many times, but this is the first time we learn that it enhances the Commanders’ senses - which is a big plot point, as it allowed Becca to hear the sounds of the Stone. We have never heard about that before or seen any indication that Lexa or S5/6 Madi had any enhanced sight or Matt Murdock-like super-hearing. 

So why was Becca called the Commander aka Heda? I don’t mean the fact that she was never one - Callie could have decided to call her the first Commander as an homage. But why that term? The flashback in 3x07 made it look like it was because Becca was wearing a suit with the word “Commander” (because she took the actual Commander’s suit before she left Polaris) - but since everyone knew who she was, why would that make them start calling her Commander?

Prequel speculation

There’s a lot of reasons why I’d like to see the prequel picked up. Firstly, because Callie is a likable and charismatic protagonist. Reese could be an interesting antagonist as he is her brother - and while he has been a grade A a-hole so far, there’s room there for character development, especially with his relationship with his sister, backstory of abuse by their father and the probability that he’ll understand at some point that he won’t be able to get the Flame to his dad even if he gets it. There’s also the fact that their mother will need saving at the start of the new show (if it gets picked up), and certainly a lot of other possibilities for family drama. And we’d probably also see Callie change and be faced with difficult and morally ambiguous situations that test her, much as we’ve seen with Clarke over the seasons.

Several other things mentioned by Jason in his interviews sound quite exciting:

Lost-style flashbacks to the characters’ lives pre-apocalypse: I’d love this. It would present a contrast before and after the apocalypse, and flesh out characters, and let us learn more about things like, what the Battle of San Francisco was, which wars was Diyoza in, more about Diyoza’s role as a freedom fighter/terrorist... can we get more Diyoza backstory?

the possibility of seeing the origins of the Ark and ancestors of our main characters like Clarke, Bellamy and Octavia (and we know we would see the ancestors of these characters, Jason mentioned that - the guy clearly does know what the fandom likes and wants), immediately doubled my interest. I just hope there’s a good idea how to do that without 1) the two stories looking completely disconnected (it seems this won’t be the case as Jason mentioned that Callie’s people will have to go to space to make more Nightblood and this will allow crossovers) and 2) with a good explanation how the people on the Ark, 97 years later, did not know about the survivors on the ground, about the Earth being survivable, or about the Nightblood, which had been used by Eligius years before. The line  "Dad had friends on more than one space station. They already know we're here" also begs for an explanation.

on the ground, we’ll see Callie and co. looking for more survivors (after all, there were more bunkers and other shelters) and offering them Nightblood as a “cure” - which could lead to a lot of interesting situations (and potentially pretty current commentary, if there are people who refuse it)... On the other hand, this could also lead to some more moral dilemmas when they run out of the Nightblood shots (they have 2,000 at the moment, and again, Jason has indicated that they will run out of NB and will have to create more).

Some of the big questions include - who becomes the actual first Commander? How does the society develop from there? When and how is the Anomaly Stone deactivated on Earth, and where is it now? How does Becca’s knowledge eventually get lost? We’ve heard it’s because the data got corrupted/deteriorated over time, but it’s a little too convenient that even Madi still had Becca’s memories, but the scientific and technological all other knowledge was gone during the following 95 years.

I have some ideas how it could go. A lot of people (including, obviously, Bill himself in-universe) wonder if Callie became a Commander and would like to see her be the first Commander. But Callie is the first Flamekeeper, and I don’t see her going “I’m the best and most qualified person, I should have it”. This doesn’t preclude the possibility - she may finally take it for similar reasons Clarke did in season 3, because she has to in order to do something important and there are no other candidates around. But that would be too optimistic an option. Maybe Reese manages to get his hands on the Flame, but Callie or August or someone from her faction manages to disconnect the Stone so he wouldn’t be able to get it to Bill? Or maybe someone else - say, Tristan, who so far can be summed up as “that while guy a-hole who hangs out with Reese” - managed to get his hands on it and then make himself Commander? If people like Tristan or Reese become the Commander, that would work better in terms of explaining how things went so wrong with the Grounder society.

There have been speculations if these characters are ancestors of this or that character we know. Maybe Tristan is an ancestor of this Tristan from season 1 (the guy who was sent to ‘slaughter’ the 100 and was killed by Kane in 2x01)? People are often named after their grandparents, sometimes even after their parents, or celebrated ancestors - names can get passed on like that, and Tristan isn’t exactly the most common name. Or, if Tristan manages to become a Commander - that would make it a popular name.

In any case, the prequel needs to provide a convincing explanation how the society of these survivors and their descendants went from what we see in this episode to the Grounder society we know. But this is my big concern about the prequel - and it’s the problem that many prequels have: however they get there, we know how things turn out; we know it all somehow goes wrong, and that not only will the antagonist fail in their initial goal (getting the Flame to Bill), but the protagonist, Callie, will ultimately fail in her attempts to create a better society. Instead, the Grounder society will descend into tribalism, worship of violence, and constant wars between a bunch of clans, the Flame won’t be given to the person chosen as most qualified but will be fought over by a bunch of children selected on the basis of “special blood” (as Nightblood becomes rarer over time) and forced to kill each other, and most of Becca’s knowledge will be forgotten, as Grounders become technologically underdeveloped and unable to really defend themselves from the Mountain Men, who will learn about them in a few decades and start using them as blood supply.

On the other hand, knowing that the protagonists will fail and that everything will go wrong is often the case with prequels (e.g. regardless of their quality, Star Wars prequels were certainly watched by many people), or, for that matter, with some period dramas (e.g. Babylon Berlin, which I love - set in the Weimar Republic, which means that we know all the time while watching the show that things will go horribly wrong on the level of the society). Sometimes that sense of doom doesn’t turn me off as viewer and actually makes the story more compelling in a way. But that would certainly be a difference from The 100 - no matter how dark, we can still hope things will turn out well and a good solution will be found. Or maybe everything will go even worse. We don’t know how things turn out with the humanity in general. In this prequel, we would know.

Body count for this episode: in the present day, no one. in the flashbacks... over 10 billion people.

Rating: 9/10

[markwhitwell]

Mark Whitwell on How to Survive a Pandemic | A Soft Message for a Hard Time

Mark Whitwell shares his thoughts on dealing with such tough times.

For many friends around the world, ongoing lockdowns are causing chronic stress. In the U.K., psychologists are now reporting what they call ‘Lockdown Burnout,’ with more and more people suffering from overload and uncertainty. In the context of real suffering, it is heartening to see teachers reaching out to communicate the healing power of Yoga in their communities.

I was talking recently with a friend in the U.K. and she described how teaching Yoga was no longer a hobby or a job for her, but a matter of survival for her students. “Everybody is under so much pressure,” she said. “People are desperate for the connection, nourishment and the fortitude that Yoga gives. We meet on Zoom twice a week, practice together and then share in each other’s company. I have no choice but to be there for my students.”

Our conversation got me thinking about care and the function of the Yoga Teacher within the broader ecology of nurturing that holds society together. In the Vedic lineage of my teachers, Tirumalai Krishnamacharya (1888–1989) and his son TKV Desikachar (1938–2016), the Yoga teacher was considered essential to the health and wellbeing of the community.

Principally, the yoga acharya was there to help any person (no matter who they are) to merge with their body and their breath. Out of this daily merge, facilitated through a tailored asana and pranayama practice, come many gifts that are physically, emotionally and spiritually healing. Practice of intimate connection to body and breath is the Yogic means to enjoying intimacy with world beyond ourselves: our experience, our relationships and Life as a whole. There is no substitute for the regenerative power of breath.

“My father taught us more ways to approach a person in yoga than I have found anywhere else,” Desikachar writes. “Who should teach whom? When? And what? These are the important questions to be asked in beginning a practice. But underlying all these is the most important question of all: How can the power of the breath be utilized? That is something quite exceptional; nowhere else is the breath given so much importance, and our work has proven that the breath is a wonder drug, if I may use this term.”

At the level of physical health, the practice of deep, whole-body breathing coupled with body movement, cleanses and strengthens the respiratory system. It also improves all other vital functions of the body: the immune system, the health of the mind and digestion. On every exhalation, the lungs are emptied completely. On every inhalation we receive the refreshment of the breath into an expanded lung cavity. We empty what is full and fill what is empty. Or, we release what is old to receive what is new. There seems to be no part of the system that the breath does not influence.

The great gift of Yoga however it not just health for its own sake, but how it positively affects our relationships. In particular, the breath powerfully supports our ability to respond to difficulty and stress in our relationships in a caring way. Our daily delight of merging with our body and breath masterfully facilitates our ability to be intimate with our loved ones: to really listen, support and receive them no matter what is going down.

Deep in the traditions, it is understood that it is not what we experience but how we react to it that determines its effects. If we react to our experience and contract, then blockages or rubbish forms in the nadis and the muladara chakra. The prana can no longer flow unhindered through the system as it wants to. If, on the other hand, we merge with our experience, even it is disturbing or difficult, then prana continues to flow.

We all have difficulties in life and we all react from time to time. There is no idealism here, especially during a pandemic. When we notice reaction we can apply intelligent means to release the blockages that may have formed. In fact, “Yoga is 99% waste removal” Desikachar once said, and by removing everything that is not necessary, the natural energy of life, pranashakti, soon flows again. Ultimately, the goal of Yoga is to not react in the first place.

If you are put off by Sanskrit terms, the simple language of biology is suffice to communicate what our ancestors were talking about. The psychologist Maurice Hamington, for example, describes how our natural physiology is “built for care” — the soft feeling frontal line from crown, face, chest, belly and genitals, to our wonderful sense organs and our ability to focus our attention — are there to support us to receive. On the other hand, the strong base of the body — legs, pelvis, back and spine — support our capacity to give and take action in our relationships.

Yoga is nothing more or less than our participation in the relational intelligence of the whole body. We move and breathe in the polarity of strength (linked to the exhale and described in the traditions as the masculine principle of life) and receptivity (linked to the inhale and the feminine principle). All bodies, no matter what gender or sex, contain the union of strength and receptivity. To live out that union is enough to base life upon.

The beautiful insight of Hamington is that caring for one another implies the whole body. This becomes obvious when we think of what happens physically when we close ourselves off from other people and from life: our shoulders hunch, our chest muscles harden, there is tension in the face; we generally fold in as a body. Conversely, when we feel free and easy in our relationships our bodies reflect this with a physical openness and softness: our spine straightens, our chest opens and softens, our gaze relaxes, we are both more upright (strong) and softer (receptive) as we give and receive in the natural polarity of life.

Although many try, this is why we cannot force ourselves to be more caring or sensitive to another with mental ideals alone. More often than not, cultural ideals of love and kindness without the practical means to let these innate qualities flourish in the body-mind causes stress and disappointment. There is a gap between how we are and how we want to be. What we can do is our Yoga practice. In the traditions, it is known as sadhana: that which you can do. My teacher would say, just do your asana and just see what happens.

We are not getting out of life or away from others here. “Yoga is relationship,” Krishnamacharya would say, a statement that holds weight given his profound understanding of the religious cultures of India. It was the profound view of my teachers that relationship itself was the principle healing for the human life and the heart of a spiritual life. When I was speaking with my friend about her classes, she confirmed Krishnamacharya’s view and expressed how simply being with each other, within the bhavana (mood) of friendship and respect, generated its own nurturing influence.

“People often arrived with a feeling of heaviness or depression,” she told me. “But as we sit together and as they feel seen, listened to and loved, then something happens: a lightness enters where perhaps previously there was darkness or restriction.”

In my early life, I was able to observe Desikachar embodying this principle during private lessons. He would do many things: take the pulse of his student, enquire about the family, check on the diet, teach various asana, all manner of intelligent means. Yet, what made these tools truly relevant and alive for the student, was the context of friendship and care that they were communicated within. Students reported that it was the relationship itself that they drew the most sustenance and motivation from.

“This personal connection cannot be replaced by books or videos,” Desikachar said. “There must be a relationship, a real relationship, one that is based on trust (sraddha).”

I want to thank everybody out there who is teaching their hearts out on Zoom and in-person around the world, making sure that the mother’s milk of Yoga gets to all people no matter their race, religion or financial means. We pick up where Desikachar and his father left off and continue their mission of giving the whole world a Yoga education.

It is everybody’s birthright to breathe well and to be intimate with their Life. Sahana Vavatu. May we get the job done together.

If you feel curious or moved to learn more about home practice you can join me and my friends at the heart of yoga online studio for live classes and conversations from the heart.

Why is intimacy and relationship so neglected in the spiritual traditions of the world? Last year we put out God and Sex: Now We Get Both (2019) to examine this question.

Originally published here.

About:

Mark Whitwell is interested in developing an authentic yoga practice for the individual, based on the teachings of T. Krishnamacharya (1888-1989). He is the author of four books including ‘Yoga of Heart’ and ‘The Promise’ and was the editor and contributor to TKV Desikachar’s classic yoga text ‘The Heart of Yoga.’ Mark Whitwell continues to facilitate teacher trainings and workshops in the heart of yoga all over the globe.

[imaginebeatles]

Hello, I'm a homo-romantic ace whose been having a lot of weird conversations lately about who belongs in the LGBT umbrella. I think anyone who is ace has the space if they want it because it is a little understood sexual orientation that experiences a lot of corrective reactions. But lately people have been arguing to me that only aces with non-hetero rom orientations and/or folk who are non cisgender have access to the space. I was wondering the following things:

2/2 what’s your take on asexuality belonging to the LGBT term, the LGBT community and the LGBT complex (cuz I think it’s gotten more complex as a functioning being)? Does asexuality belong in a tertiary space like BDSM which crosses over with queer (and shares similarities) but is not fully within it? Thanks for sharing about your thesis, every time it pops up on my dash I feel very excited. It’s been awhile since I engaged in queer theory and I am loving your work! No pressure to answer tho!

Okay, so…. this is a very contentious topic, but I have a lot of thoughts on this, especially since I’ve started doing research for my thesis. I’ve read some articles on asexuality and the queer community so… here we go. I’ve put it under the cut, so people can easily scroll past it if they’re not interested. 

(I would also like to first say that I will be use the word “queer” here. I know some people are uncomfortable with that because its past use as a slur, however, because it is an actual academic term that is used by everyone writing about these issues, and especially within queer theory, I will be using that word too. I use the word to talk about all non-normative identities/practices related to gender and sexuality, which includes the LGBTQ+ community, but is more extensive than that, including any letters not part of that acronym. Queer is also a (political and academic) practice, not just an identity. This already possibly shows where my answer to your question is going…) 

Firstly, I want to say that I understand why some people within the LGBTQ+ community might be uncomfortable about letting asexual people into that community. There is a difficult relationship between asexuality and queer identities. Some people in the field of asexuality studies have begun to write on this (I’ll list them down one or two down below). Within queer politics, historically but also now, there is a heavy focus on sex. Because queer people have struggled against oppression based on their sexual habits, not having sex is generally viewed as conservative or as a form of assimilation. For wlw this is further true because for a long time healthy sexual behaviour (aka having sex at all) was seen as impossible between two women, because both women would be sexually passive. Not having sex is not radical. This is why hetero-romantic aces are often dismissed as being “straight anyway”. Non-normative sexual practices (like cruising) are an important part of the queer community (academic work within queer studies in especially the 1990s and 2000s shows this too, wherein theoretical and political potential is mined from non-normative sex acts, including bare-backing because of its relation to the HIV crisis in the 80s).

It therefore makes sense that queer people (especially gay men and women, but also others) are uncomfortable with asexuality’s focus on not having sex, and as such asexuality is often seen as being “sex negative” instead of “sex positive” and thus bad. At least, politically. 

I, however, and other academics, do think asexuality is queer, if you define queer as being non-normative in relation to hetero-normativity). Asexuality is seen as non-normative in our current hyper-sexual society and sex is seen as a vital part of heterosexuality too (you have to reproduce and women are meant to be sexually available to men at all times). Asexual people are discriminated against because they refuse sex, which society sees as natural. While the struggles of asexual people are different from those of gay people, bi and trans people (and other identities) also have their own struggles against which they fight. This does not diminish their struggles. 

Acephobia is based on ableist ideas: if you don’t want sex, there must be something wrong with you either mentally or physically, because sex is naturally and everyone should want it and have it (often). Asexuality is often dismissed and not seen as “real”. There must be something that inhibits you from having sex, whether that is physiological, hormonal, or having to do with trauma, or maybe just because you are not “hot enough to get a boyfriend”, which reminds me of how for a long time lesbians were seen as being men-hating ugly women (and feminists). This view leads to asexuality being pathologized (as homosexuality used to be). There have been numerous ways in which low sexual desire or a lack of sexual fantasies has been sees as a disorder in the psychoanalytic tradition. Attempts to “fix” asexual people are made through things like therapy or hormone treatment (or stuff like viagra or other such things), but also through corrective rape, either in a medical contexts under the idea that sexuality needs to be “awakened” within the patient, or in the private sphere at the end of a partner or friend. Research has also shown that people see asexual people as less human, more machine-like. They admit feeling uncomfortable with asexual people, and that they may discriminate against them, such as refusing them rent. 

Asexual people have their own political issues to work through, just as any other identity within the LGBTQ+ community. However, each of these issues and more are related to the fight against hetero-normativity. Another example is that asexual people, especially those who are also aromantic, can help critique the way society privileges heterosexual romantic couplehood, especially married heterosexual couples. Asexual and aromantic people often privilege non-romantic and non-sexual relationship, such as friendships or family, allowing us to re-evaluate these other relationships and open up new forms of queer relating, which will also be appealing to other queer people, who often form their own social group or families and whose relationship and friendships are often in some way “queer”. 

On top of that, it is important to realise that there is a lot of overlap between asexual people and other queer identities. However, queer asexual people constantly remark on how they do not feel safe or represented by the queer or LGBTQ+ community, even those who “welcome” queer aces, but not hetero-romantic aces. The queer and LGBTQ+ community are heavily sexualized spaced, which makes aces feel unwelcome, but also leaves many non-asexual queer people to complain about the lack of safe spaces for queer people that aren’t about clubbing, such as the lack of queer cafes or library. The queer community (and LGBTQ+ community) is itself deeply entrenched in compulsory sexuality, just like hetero-normative society, making aces feel like they don’t belong to either community. 

If an asexual person if gay, or bi, or non-binary, or trans, or queer, or whatever, it is the LGBTQ+ and queer communities that should provide them a safe space and fight for them. Their asexuality informs their experience as homo-romantic or trans or anything else, and cannot be separated from that part of their identity. These are not separate issues. If we want to protect trans kids or gay kids or any other member of the queer/LGBTQ+ community, these communities need to be inclusive of asexuality and provide spaces where these kids are safe and can talk freely about their experiences and the challenges they face. These will undoubtedly also be informed by their asexual identity. 

We are stronger politically when we fight together. We fight the same cause. Asexual people do not ask other LGBTQ+ or queer people to not be sexual. They only ask that they are included and that their own issues are being taken seriously. 

On top of that, asexuality intersects with a lot of other queer issues. For trans folks, for example, the focus on sex in society and romantic relationships may leave them uncomfortable because of their body dysphoria and may thus run into similar issues as sex-repulsed aces. Stone butch women may find common ground with asexuality too, because of the focus on penetrative sex in society. The hypersexualisation of gay men may find that they experience similar issues as asexual people who feel they are being (hyper)sexualised despite not being sexual. There is a lot of overlap, and these issues need to be addressed. We can help each other and offer new perspectives that will help us fight for the same rights. 

On top of that, on a more abstract level, can also be valuable for queer politics in the way that it undermines our current understanding of sexual identity. The way we now think about sexuality was constructed by straight people with the aim of pathologizing and thus actively discriminate against and eliminate perverted sexuality. This started with homosexuality with Freud, and quickly began to expand. If you want to know more about this, Foucault’s History of Sexuality is a good place to start. This allowed for sexual object choice to be used to group specific people together and make them into a specific type or “species”, as Foucault calls it. Our conception of sexuality, then, was constructed to uphold heterosexuality as the norm, making heterosexuality (that is the opposite sex as the sexual object choice) out to be the natural and normal and healthy form of sexuality. 

Asexuality undermines this construction. Asexuality not only shows that there are different forms of attraction, which do not need to be connected to each other in a one-on-one relation, but also shows that sexual attraction is not the only or even the most important basis for attraction. Asexuality is not explainable in our current system and forces people to consider their sexual preferences. What do I like in sex? What kind of sex? What kind of sensuality? And with whom? If I like having sex with men, but only being sensual with women, what does that mean? Asexuality asks us what we prefer, putting the focus on preference  rather than something biological or innate that makes us feel desire towards one gender and not the other. 

This is not to say that asexuality makes sexual identity into an arbitrary choice. Rather, it shows that you cannot divide people into identity categories based on sexual object choice shows that attempting to do so is just as silly as doing so based on if you like tea or coffee. Or ketchup or mustard. On top of that, it allows for sexuality to be seen as fluid, not that it changes, but that it is not fixed. Maybe you like ketchup for a long time, and then no anymore. Or maybe you are briefly in the mood only for this specific type of mustard but not the others. Focusing on preference allows us to undermine the whole construct on which hetero-normativity is predicated. Making identities such as heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual almost meaningless or nonsensical. If we want to do away with hetero-normativity completely, this is a crucial step to take. It allows us to focus on sexuality as a social construct, rather than something that must be biologically explained. 

TL;DR: I understand why some LGBTQ+ people are uncomfortable with the idea of bringing asexual into the community. However, I think ultimately we are fightening the same cause despite our own specific issues that we face. We have a similar stake in queer politics and queer academia. Asexuality can offer the queer or LGBTQ+ community a lot, and being inclusive to asexuality is crucial if we want to protect queer kids. As such there is a lot that both communities can offer each other. 

This goes for both queer aces and hetero-romantic aces. Hetero-romantic aces also benefit and often have a stake in dismantling hetero-normativity because they are asexual. Hetero-romantic aces also face discrimination under hetero-normativity. Because of this, asexuality at large ought to be included. Excluding hetero-romantic aces from the queer community or LGBTQ+ community shows a misunderstanding of asexuality and its political issues and seems not so much inclusive of asexual issues, but rather inclusive of those issues that relate ONLY to the other part of their identity. For queer aces, however, these two are not separate issues. If you want to be inclusive to queer aces, you have to be inclusive towards asexuality in general. 

Asexuality, then, should be fully within the queer community, not be treated as a separate but overlapping thing like BDSM. Asexuality, when taken seriously, will affect all spaces of the queer community for the better, while still allowing for sex-positive politics. 

Reading suggestions: 

Michel Foucault, History of Sexuality.

Megan Milks, “Stunted Growth: Asexual Politics and the Rhetoric of Sexual Liberation.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

Erica Chu, “Radical Identity Politics: Asexuality and Contemporary Articulations of Identity.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

[chaoswillfallrpg]

CAMILLE ROWLE is TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD and a STYLIST for WITCH WEEKLY. She looks remarkably like EMMA ROBERTS and considers herself NEUTRAL. She is currently TAKEN. 

→ OVERVIEW:

The younger child of the Rowle family by just ten months, Camille Rowle has always been treated as though she was special by her parents. Given how close Camille and her older brother THORFINN ROWLE were born to one another, it is safe to assume that she had arrived earlier than her parents were planning, which Thorfinn had tried to hold over her head ever since she could remember. No longer the apple of his parents eyes, Thorfinn claimed his sister had ‘stolen’ his time alone with them and what might have been seen as emotionally draining on a little girl, being repeatedly told you were an accident or selfish and unwanted did not particularly phase her very much. Since the day Camille was born, the pair were treated more like twins than siblings and subsequently had to share everything, especially their parents' attention. Not particularly bothered by this fact, Camille moved on with her life as if he was not there at all, always one to demand attention just by being present she never found it difficult to receive it, Thorfinn on the other hand, had to fight for it constantly, making him feel rather sour towards his younger sister. The rivalry continued throughout their childhood, and despite the small age gap, Camille shone where her brother did not. She walked a lot faster than he did, talked a lot sooner than him, and was constantly doted on due to her blossoming beauty and intelligence. It was clear to the entire family that although Thorfinn was in no means ugly, in fact he would grow up to be rather striking, but in comparison to Camille, it was plain to see she had inherited both the looks and intelligence from the Rowle family. Camille was the clever Rowle, Thorfinn the brawny one. 

While Camille read and played, Thorfinn entertained himself by throwing his sisters things out the window, attempting to hit her in the process. The fights that broke out between the pair could be heard from the far side of their home in Canterbury, the family residing  by The River Stour. Throughout the years many possessions were seen being thrown and, as they came into their powers, flying and floating out of the windows. Their nanny became quite competent at memory charms as she used them on most muggles that dared to walk past the house when the pair were having a fight. Camille being a Metamorphmagus didn’t help her relationship with her brother. When she was three she got a bout of the sneezes and turned her hair from it’s usual golden blonde to a deep pink, then to lilac and to a brilliant aquamarine. Ever since then she attempted to perfect the skill, using her abilities to further stoke fires with her brother to get him into trouble. By ten she could shift herself into most animals. Most notably an albatross, which her brother has been frightened of ever since they had a family holiday to Antarctica. Attempting to throw chips at Camille, he caught the attention of one which then flew after Thorfinn for his food, leaving her in fits of laughter as he tried to escape. Sometimes in the middle of the night when he had been particularly irritating, Camille liked to sit on his bed in her albatross form and wake him by pecking at him. Often he hit her with a pillow and woke up their parents with bouts of screaming, to which Camille rushed back to her bedroom and pretended to be asleep, leaving Thorfinn with yet another trip to the naughty step, though it was entirely her fault. 

Leaving for Hogwarts, the siblings parted ways fairly quickly, boarding the Hogwarts Express through different carriages, Camille set off to find some deserving friends. She had a list of things her circle must be, intelligent, beautiful, and witty to name a few, and although she understood that being Pure-Blood afforded you certain luxuries that others may not have, it wasn't essential. She found an empty carriage, dumped her cases and watched the riff raff walk by her windows until she spotted potentials. Ten minutes into the journey she had dragged the likes of GENEVIEVE AVERY, ANASTASIA DUPONT, FLORENCE JONES and ANDRESSA PARKINSON into her carriage. The girls exuded everything Camille would need in order to succeed at Hogwarts and the journey to Scotland only solidified this, by the time they pulled up in Hogsmede, they were practically sisters, awkward silence never presenting itself in the carriage. An easy sort for the hat, Camille went after her brother, hoping that she too wouldn't be placed into Hufflepuff and was quickly placed into Ravenclaw, wit, intelligence and creativity she was a surefire addition. With only Genevieve being sorted into Ravenclaw, Camille understood the importance of furthering her alliances within her house, and an opportunity presented itself as soon as she sat down. RITA SKEETER seemingly sought Camille out, having done her research before coming to school as she wanted only the highest quality friends, she had ambition which Camille could relate to and the pair became quick friends. Their friendship expanded to include fellow Ravenclaws BETTY BRATHWAITE and DAISY HOOKUM, the group bonding over their love of fashion, gossip and beauty. It came to a point where the four girls thought it only right that they share their insight into the world through a school paper, the Weekly Raven contained beauty tips, gossip, politics and sports commentary. Camille focused on a fashion article, finding it to be the perfect balance between judging other people and writing about what she loved, clothes, bags, jewellry, you name it, Camille could talk about it for hours. 

Since first year Camille proved that she was not someone to be trifled with, being the only known student to turn down an invitation to the exclusive ‘Slug Club’ Camille rolled her eyes at PROFESSOR HORACE SLUGHORN and carried on her way to class. Ever since then the girl carried with her an air of royalty that no one but her brother seemed to dissuade. Going in to second year her reputation seemed to proceed her, finally meeting her estranged cousin REGINA ROWLE lead the girls ego to grow even further, happy to help pathe the way for her cousin to be as popular as she was becoming, Camille guided her towards a good group of friends, wanting to leave a legacy behind her, knowing she would need to coach the girl as Thorfinn wouldn't bother. During her time at Hogwarts Camille would use her metamorphmagus skills to her advantage, turning into animals and strolling around the castle, an excellent method to overhear certain conversations, a tip that she didn't fail to share with her friend Rita. Throughout her years at Hogwarts Camille’s reputation was solidified by the exclusivity that her friendship group boasted, many girls tried and failed to be a part of it, and many boys tried and failed to land one of the members. Only a handful of boys were ever graced with their attentions, and even then they had to fight for them, one boy who caught the eye of Camille was CHRISTIANO PARKINSON, Andressa’s twin brother. He had made all the right connections and was excelling in school, really he was the perfect candidate for Camille’s affections, plus he was Thorfinn’s best friend so he came with the added bonus of annoying her older brother. The pair started officially dating at the start of sixth year and have been together ever since, what started out as a way to further her alliances and annoy her brother turned out to be something completely different for Camille, she fell for him and he fell back, not that she would let anyone else see that. 

Leaving Hogwarts with several job offers Camille chose to work as a stylist for Witch Weekly magazine, coming from a wealthy family she didn't necessarily need a job but couldn't turn down the opportunity to tell people what to wear. She moved into a four floor Chelsea townhouse on the Kings Road with Anastasia and Florence and spent most evenings with the pair sipping on champagne like it was water and discussing their respective days. All three girls worked in fashion and beauty and their home echoed that, walk-in wardrobes, designer bags strewn everywhere and more shoes than any of them could ever wear. Anastasia was a fabric buyer and would often go to exotic places for work, which Camille was more than happy to join her for, spending the time sourcing materials and clothing of her own for the magazine. Living away from Christiano had led to the couple drifting apart, neither one spoke of the issue whilst in each other's company but both could feel its presence. Camille could feel him pulling away from her, getting further and further entangled with BELLATRIX BLACK and the schemes she involved herself with. Knowing full well that Christiano’s feelings for Bellatrix were not simply friendly Camille strayed before he was given the chance to. Never one to be seen loving the other more Camille bit the bullet and cheated on him first when an afterwork round of cocktails with ORLAITH MACMILLIAN turned into several and a beautiful blonde stranger approached her. Knowing their breakup was inevitable but not quite ready to let her first love go she continued on this path, she enjoyed flirting with and having harmful kisses with strangers because she knew it meant nothing and therefore could tell herself it was okay. 

Things quickly changed however when she was introduced to HARRISON BAGNOLD one day at work. Her boss CELESTE MAXIME saw much of herself in Camille and constantly said she was a shoe in for her role once she had retired and so had given her free reign over the three page spread on the newly appointed Minister for Magic MILLICENT BAGNOLD. Working closely with the Minister to design the shoot and style her for the article she was also introduced to her two rather striking sons Harrison and his younger brother BOOKER BAGNOLD. Styling both sons for the family portion of the shoot meant having close contact with the pair, leading to trouble when she found herself most intrigued by the older brother. He openly flirted with her in front of his mother, which she happily sent him the cold shoulder and a roll of her eyes in return which only seemed to fuel the boy's attention. Stopping by her office several more times than was necessary with invites to parties or dinners, flowers and perfume were at the start turned down by the cold witch. She was enjoying the flirty repartee between them too much to agree straight away but it eventually led them to a cocktail bar in Muggle London, one too many cosmopolitans and things got out of hand. Now knowing that she couldn't hide this from Christiano forever, being friends with his sister making it even more difficult, Camille had a decision to make, does she stay with her first love who seemingly has feelings for another or does she explore this new relationship with Harrison, a man she is attracted to despite her best efforts not to be and who lights a fire in her she had all but forgotten? All the while a war is brewing that she has no interest in partaking in, but her hand is being forced by the mere fact that her brother, cousin and current boyfriend so clearly have chosen their side. 

→ ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

Blood Status → Pure-Blood (Metamorphogis)

Pronouns → She/Her

Identification → Cis Female 

Sexuality  → Up To Roleplayer

Relationship Status → In a Relationship with Christiano Parkinson

Previous Education →  Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Ravenclaw)

Family → Thorfinn Rowle (brother), Regina Rowle (cousin), Rowena Rowle (cousin)

Connections  → Christiano Parkinson (boyfriend), Anastasia DuPont (best friend/housemate), Florence Jones (best friend/housemate), Genevieve Avery (best friend), Andressa Parkinson (best friend), Rita Skeeter (close friend), Daisy Hookum (close friend), Betty Braithwaite (close friend) Celeste Maxime (boss), Orlaith MacMillan (colleague/friend), Harrison Bagnold (romantic liaison), Bellatrix Black (adversary)

Future Information → Editor and Chief of Witch Weekly Magazine

CAMILLE ROWLE IS A LEVEL 7 WITCH/METAMORPHAGIS.

[reoflite]

Why Forrest Gump is the movie we need

I wanted to step away from the more serious posts I’ve made recently to talk about a movie that I love. Sadly, it took several years for me to appreciate this film for what it is. As a child, I remember hearing my grandmother say it was a “stupid” movie. I carried this with me until early adulthood, when I began developing my own opinion about things. While I’m disappointed that it took me so long to see the film, it doesn’t take away from the impact it left on me. 

I found that I had a lot to say about a movie that’s flirting with 26. Tom Hanks is...well, he’s just downright incredible. I am going to do my best to segment this post in a way that isn't overwhelming. 

Tom Hanks: Let’s start with the obvious. His performance in this movie is something to be remembered. His 1995 Oscar win for his work in Forrest Gump confirms this. He nails everything, from the body language, down to the overall language of Forrest. At times, I forgot I was watching Tom Hanks. He made Forrest real for me. I recognize this section might look short to some, but he offers such a performance that you would need to see it play out on screen. 

Jenny: A lot of people don’t like her character. She’s hard to digest, I get it. But then, consider all that we see her go through. She suffers horrific sexual abuse at the hands of her father, thus destroying any sense of trust she can ever hope to build with another human being. This person, in theory, should have been the one person that was made to protect her. Instead, he scars her for life. She copes by falling in and out of toxic relationships. She abuses drugs (they try to use this alongside the idea that it was the 60′s/70′s, and it’s what everyone was doing, but I disagree). When we experience her drug use, although maybe a bit more subtle, it’s used as a tool to numb, to free. Eventually, she gets her shit together. Carrying a part of Forrest propels her to a healthier and more fulfilling life, though it’s short. Jenny, in my mind, is the saddest part about this story. 

Jenny and Forrest, together: A lot of people hate the idea. Again, I get it. You can make the argument that Jenny treats Forrest poorly. She is what I call a semi-colon in his life for a while. There isn’t any finality in her presence for most of the movie. She’s there one minute, then gone the next to continue another part of her journey. Forrest loves her unconditionally, despite her leaving him when she feels too pulled in. We see the push-and-pull of their relationship at various points; Forrest declaring his love for her in an authentic but simple way. It requires no show or elaborate moment, because it’s simple: He loves her. It’s very likely she loves him throughout the film, but she’s doing what she thinks is best by staying away from him. She sees herself as a black hole, waiting to suck in whoever comes near her. She doesn’t want that to happen to him. 

Understanding the complexities of childhood sexual abuse and the impact it has on forming meaningful relationships isn’t for the faint of heart, but it’s worth exploring when looking at this film. Jenny is a damaged soul. Forrest is a pure soul, one that has a lasting impact on those he comes across. I don’t believe in the idea of anyone needing to “fix” anyone in a relationship; that’s unhealthy. Instead, I think Forrest offers her the balance love - true love - she has missed for most of her life. Up until their final few scenes together, Jenny’s motto has been to run when things get scary. In Forrest, she finally finds someone she doesn’t have to run from. 

Forrest himself: We are introduced to Forrest when he’s a child. He has trouble walking. He’s a little slow. As much as I hate using that term, I think it’s OK here. Still, he’s inquisitive. He possesses an eagerness to understand those around him. His childlike naivety in the earlier parts of the film is charming. 

He has given an undesirable set of circumstances in the beginning. Everyone around him acknowledges this as fact except Forrest. He doesn’t view his seeming lack of intelligence as a burden. Instead, he maintains a sense of positivity through it all. He uses his talent of speed to enroll in college. He seems to be up for the adventure of the Army following college; and yet, there isn’t a sense that he is without direction. The opportunity presented itself and he took it because...why not? 

It’s here that he meets Bubba, someone that he finds brotherhood in. They are not the same. They come from completely different walks of life. Still, they relate on a level that’s difficult to achieve for characters that are literally written to end up together (as friends or something more). 

Following his completion of basic training, we see he and Jenny cross paths. We are led to believe this is their first time meeting after graduating high school and college. This particular scene is great for both characters. Forrest “rescues” Jenny from the stage - men harassing her - and she establishes clear boundaries. It is, perhaps, the first and only time we see Jenny establish these boundaries in the entire film. There is a comfort with them that she is able to do this, even if it’s not in favor of Forrest during this particular time. 

Perhaps one of the best lines in the film: “Forrest, you don’t know what love is.” This line sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Whether Forrest does so intentionally is unclear, but it’s done with such a subtlety that I did not initially catch it as a younger watcher.

Forrest and...everyone else: Going back to, “You don’t know what love is.” Let’s look at the events following this line, shall we?

Forrest saves his brothers during the raid in Vietnam, even after suffering injury himself. Ultimately, he’s looking to save Bubba, but we can’t talk about this scene without acknowledging that he saves everyone in his platoon that he can. He risks life and limb without a second thought

Lt. Dan treated Forrest poorly, for a lot of reasons. Like Jenny, he was damaged, but in a different way. His ego and “stolen destiny” prevent him from forming a heartwarming bond with Forrest, but Forrest doesn’t seem to let this stop him from helping him when he can. The bond of brotherhood from combat motivates him. Let us not forget that Forrest is just a decent human being, and Lt. Dan is in a position where he needs friendship. Forrest recognizes this at some level and offers his friendship throughout the film. One of my favorite scenes is when one of Lt. Dan’s friends (the two women from the bar) calls Forrest stupid. Lt. Dan immediately steps in and defends him. Later in the film, Forrest offers him a job on the boat he bought. Why? Because he promised him he would

Forrest’s relationship with his mother isn’t shown enough, in my opinion. At the beginning of the movie, we see her defend him. She does things for him that many might judge, but ultimately, she wants him to have the best life possible. It’s what mothers do! Eventually, she succumbs to old age. It’s unclear how old she is when she dies, but he cares for her. He pauses his life to give her a comfortable end to her life. We literally see him jump out of a boat to go be with his mother for her final days. This boils down to a mother-child bond that is difficult to break, but one that I find to be very touching

Back to Bubba. Sweet, dear Bubba. He doesn’t make it to the other side of the war, despite Forrest’s best efforts. His family is left reeling. Bubba’s mother has worked as a servant, much like her mother, and her mother’s mother. After Forrest invests in Apple, he hits it big. In keeping his promise to Bubba, Forrest gives Bubba’s mother and siblings half of his earnings from his fishing business, and money from his investment in Apple. He helps build a new church for Bubba’s family to worship. His attachment to Bubba doesn’t die with him; rather, it’s strengthened after his untimely death

Back to Jenny. As mentioned before, she’s in and out of the film. Her impact on Forrest is noted throughout the film, however. He writes to her almost every day (even though his letters are returned). They go for a long time without seeing each other. Following his return from service, Jenny is in an abusive relationship. Forrest sees her boyfriend hit her. This is perhaps the only “negative” side of Forrest we see throughout the film. Of course, I’m referring to Forrest beating the living daylights out of her boyfriend (whose name I don't care enough to remember). I think most of us would act similarly.  (Side note: “Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party,” might be my favorite quote from anything ever.) They separate once more, and Forrest continues on with his life. He offers her a safe space when she visits him. More importantly, toward the end of her life, he offers her the comfort of a loving and fulfilling relationship

Truthfully, I could expand on a number of other reasons why I love this movie so much, but I think I highlighted some of the more profound moments here. Honorable mentions include Gary Sinise’s performance. I am less attached to his character, but I admire the positive steps he took in his life to become a better person. Forrest’s mother has a profound impact on Forrest, but in my opinion, this isn’t expanded on enough. 

I’d be curious to hear your opinions on the movie. 

[marissapugliese]

Paper 1

How Dance made me who I am today

For my entire life I have been a resident of New York. I was born and raised in Brooklyn; to be specific, a neighborhood located in South West of Brooklyn called Dyker Heights. I grew up being constantly surrounded by my huge Italian family. 85% of my family lives in the same neighborhood or just minutes away which I am fortunate for. I don't quite speak the language fluently but my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all can. For most of my family, Italian is their first language. Whenever my “Nonna” (italian term for Grandma. speak to me I understand what they are saying and can communicate back after having a second to think about it. Italians are known for their big Sunday dinners, which usually are held a bit earlier than usual dinner time. During these dinners you will eat pasta with tomato sauce, chicken cutlets, eggplant parmesan, meatballs, and everything you can imagine thrown together in a dinner with most of your family. Italians have an old school mentality and are big on learning how to take care of the house meaning cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, and etc. My Italian culture and background has influenced the way I was brought up, which was to always put family first, take care of your household, and eat delicious foods.

Dyker Heights is predominantly a residential neighborhood. Since most of the neighborhood is built up of housing, there is one main thoroughfare which is Dyker Heights Boulevard (13th Avenue). The boulevard is one of the only streets with businesses. As a young child all I really had to know was my neighborhood. My elementary school, dancing school, family, friends, dentist, doctor, and anything you could possibly imagine were just a few minutes away from me. When I was a child, most of the residents of Dyker Heights had come mainly from an Italian cultured background. My family’s culture is Italian as well, so I was mostly surrounded by individuals who grew up the same way I have or follow the same cultural aspects. I attended a Catholic school in Dyker Heights where most of the staff and students had come from the same Brooklyn/Italian culture as well. Although there were others of different races and backgrounds as well, predominantly most of us were similar. All students that attended this school had one thing in common and that was being raised following the Catholic religion. These similarities helped form bonds and friendships with the students at the school. Most of the students who attended the school lived in Dyker Heights or close to it. This made it easier for friendships to continue in and out of school. Along with knowing Dyker Heights well I also know the other neighborhoods that are “bridged” to it well like Bensonhurst, Bay Ridge, and Gravesend.

At the age of four I began dancing at a local dance studio in Dyker Heights, Danceworks Dance Center. Dance has influenced my life tremendously. From an early age, I had found a passion so deep that has impacted me, and my journey of life. As I said the studio is located in my neighborhood so I was surrounded by similar faces and friends that made me feel safe. In the beginning of my life, dance was fun, it was a hobby, and I was good at it. I auditioned for a performing arts middle school Mark Twain, which I later attended after getting in. The school was located in Coney Island, Brooklyn. Transitioning between a small nonetheless Catholic School to a middle school of 500 students per grade year was a bit of a shock, culturally as well. I was surrounded by individuals with many different backgrounds, religions, and other talents like vocal or drama or athletics. This experience had broadened my perspectives of life. I was not limited to what my neighborhood of Dyker had to offer, but I was exposed to a melting pot of kids from all over the borough of Brooklyn who were just as talented and smart. I consistently had classes with the others in “dance talent” and made friendships that have lasted me up until today and that I know I will have forever. Not all these individuals were just like me, which was an Italian Catholic Dyker Heights girl, we were all different but bonded through dance. We shared a love, and passion for the art which created many mutual interests. We all loved watching Broadway shows or seeing any live dance. Most of us were a part of outside dance companies at our local studios that would compete friendly against one another in various locations. We all got to perform together at the end of every year for our showcase, and spent lots of hours rehearsing. These hours spent together along with our mutual interest allowed us to easily get along and create these friendships with one another.

As I was in middle school, dance got more serious and I decided to audition for my dream school which was LaGuardia High School aka the “Fame School”. This highschool was located in New York City just around the corner from Lincoln Center. It was a drastic change for me and shifted me into the person I am today. I was exposed to thousands of people who lived in completely different boroughs and also created friendships with them as well. I was also surrounded by the dance majors everyday for four years which made them a family to me. Having to be a student at LaGuardia took a lot of responsibility at a young age. My highschool was about an hour and fifteen minute train ride. Because of my decision to attend this school, it had welcomed the world of public transportation to me. Before attending LaGuardia I could probably count the amount of times I’ve taken the train or bus on one hand. At the time, little did I know how fortunate I was to be from a neighborhood that made it possible to get around in a car. The life of public transportation was completely eye opening, and something that enhanced my knowledge of what our city had to offer. Having to take the MTA every morning and afternoon of the week was a huge part of sheltering myself from just knowing my neighborhood only. Although I have had many crazy experiences on the train, for example, my friend almost got her hair lit on fire by a stranger on the train… I have gained many life lessons and memories shared with my friends from highschool. LaGuardia itself had hectic long days that had started from 8am to 4:15pm everyday (which is considered long for an average high schooler). In the process it was rough, but I always reminded myself that I was there to do what I loved doing, which was dance. The people who had attended my high school were filled with talent, and light. I would walk through the staircase and find a group of students singing and playing instruments in the staircase, or a group of dancers including myself hitting a 5,6,7,8 in the middle of the hallway. Moments like these were when I realized despite my crazy long days, or how exhausted I was, I was meant to be here. I spent about 75% of my day with dance majors due to our schedules, which helped me develop friendships that I still hold on to. We collaborated with different kinds of artists like singers, actors, or lighting designers to create shows and performances. This has expanded my knowledge of not only my talent but a glimpse of others as well. When I graduated LaGuardia I walked down the stage feeling accomplished, matured, and ready to take on what college had to offer, a glimpse of real life.

I attended dance at my local studio Danceworks while continuing my middle school, and high school education which meant a lot of dance. I was on their competitive team, and the studio was small. My mentors and classmates have been there for me for years, and have watched me grow as a dancer but a person as well. In my years at Danceworks Dance Center I learned what it truly meant to be a team member. I learned what it meant to be disciplined, what it meant to be prioritized, how to be a competitor and how it felt to be fulfilled. I learned what it meant to be disciplined by showing up to class in proper uniform, to do as I was asked to do respectfully, and show discipline in myself by never slacking and pushing myself to exceed my limits. I learned to prioritize dance and my team by working around my life schedule to make sure I was able to perform, rehearse, or compete with my team. It was senior year of highschool and my prom and my last dance showcase with Danceworks Dance Center fell on the same day. You bet I went to that recital and ran afterwards straight to prom, because I knew what it meant to be involved in something so genuine and real; I wanted to be there for my team for every occasion including my last recital. Danceworks Dance Center made me find fulfillment, and made me feel whole. I was so loved, supported, and appreciated; and I felt the same in return. Being a part of the studio has left me with lessons, and experiences that I will continue to carry out. When I graduated from LaGuardia High School, I graduated danceworks as well. I then was asked to come back and teach at Danceworks with some alumni friends as well. I was so honored to be a part of something that was significant in my own life, and ready to take on a teaching position in others lives the same way. The staff at Danceworks that I still currently work at are family, mentors, and bestfriends I will have for life. My experience at Danceworks has come full circle and I would not want it any other way. Till this day the dance studio of Danceworks is my sane place, and the place I feel most comfortable and myself in. I walk into the studio, plant my feet on the Marley, and I feel fulfilled. While teaching at the studio I feel safe, happy even when students stress me out, and grateful to be sharing my passion for the art with a younger generation. My senior year of highschool I had to decide what path I wanted to take. Did I wanna pursue a career in dance or take up a new hobby? I could not let dance go. It has made me who I am today, developed my most precious relationships, and has made me feel home. Dance has expanded my knowledge of New York City as a whole, and has introduced me to so many cultures through the art itself. I learned what responsibility is, how to be a part of something so real, and what it means to give back. So I chose to attend Long Island University as a Dance Major. I chose to attend LIU because of how vigorous, small, and mighty the dance department is. I know I would receive great training and one on one attention. Also, I would be just next door to the heart of New York City allowing me to travel easily to expand relationships for future jobs. I belong to the social group of LIU Students and most importantly the dance department. Dance has gotten me already so far and has opened several doors for me, I am in hopes it’ll continue to do so in the future as well

Glossary Terms:

Nonna: Grandma in Italian.

Sunday Dinner: Italians are known for having an earlier afternoon dinner on Sundays that includes the majority of family and lots of food.

Catholic: a Religion system of faith.

Mark Twain: Middle school located in Coney Island, Brooklyn.

LaGuardia High School “Fame School”: Performing Arts School for grades 9-12. Located in New York City.. Referred to as “Fame School” reflecting on a movie Fame that was inspired by the school LaGuardia itself.

Danceworks Dance Center: A dance studio located in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn.

Lincoln Center: A complex of buildings for the Performing Arts. Located in the Lincoln Sq area of Manhattan in New York City.

5,6,7,8: Dancers way of counting a phrase or routine. Can also be used as a preparation.

Marley: The type of floor most dance studios contain to allow dancers to move in a smooth and safe flooring space.

Long Island University: A college located in Downtown Brooklyn.

#Soc3

me :)