Something I felt while ruminating about Yuma has me really... kind of
...jesus...
*endgame spoilers*
He’s paranoid. As. Fuck. And being mentally cornered like that, is the major driving force behind opening up the Book of Death in the first place.
He had to force himself to undo all the life experiences up until he became Number One - how many years that was, who the fuck knows - but you already get an idea that Yuma is nothing if not stressed, all the damn time, so whatever it was that led him up to that title probably wasn’t a cakewalk either. Stress upon stress upon stress, and worse, with no one to truly put confidence in back then.
It meant that he also couldn’t trust himself to do what was necessary without turning to extreme, drastic means. Hell, Chapter 3 is enough to show that the Master Detectives can accomplish awesome things without the need for that book, just as long as everyone was on the same page and using their power. What’s more, there’s a very good chance that if Yuma had boarded that train with Number One’s memories intact, that he could have faked being drowsy in order to corner ‘Zilch’ and stop the massacre from ever happening. It’s still a tremendous risk, but hardly as risky as going in experience and memory-less. He could still use the cook’s identity without compromising his own, and yet?
This is what Vivia meant when he said that ‘it was already up to his neck’. Yuma had been ruined, in his heart and head. He still wanted to do right through that, but he was so blinded by his fears - whether of outing himself, endangering people he might get close to, betrayal, whatever - that he sought the help of a death god to guide him without his troubled memories. Because a contract with a supernatural being is likely to be more trustworthy than a fallible human.
What’s more, is this is such a human reaction to feeling cornered. Have you ever wanted to throw away your memories and start from scratch, only this time with someone who knows you by your side, to guide you through your fresh idealistic self to the place you want to be, rather than a jaded husk of a person who’s completely lost when reaching out to others? Redo your brain chemistry?
I feel like if I had that chance, I’d probably have taken it, too.
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i know this is old news but like. it is so fucking insane to me that convicted felons — who can qualify in every other way, citizens who are absolutely affected by elections and politics — are not allowed to vote in the united states. like that alone is fucking crazy. and fucked up and VERY intentional and on track for the usa. but still genuinely crazy to actually think about.
but worse is that donald mother god damn fucking trump can still run for president and could be elected while being a convicted felon. like. bro can't vote for himself i guess. but this guy could still legally become the fucking president. HE CANT LEGALLY VOTE IN ELECTIONS ANYMORE. BECAUSE HE IS A CONVICTED FELON.
BUT HE COULD LEGALLY BECOME THE HEAD OF STATE.
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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:
videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.
and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.
this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.
there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.
there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.
for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.
i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.
here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."
eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.
we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.
"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"
thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.
it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.
an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.
and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."
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