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black-quadrant · 13 years ago

Text

I'm going to go to bed and probably avoid tumblr because update reception on this site scares me. I leave you with hilarious Kankri and total crack Vantascest. I might now have a weird headcanon that Kankri does collect shit like a hoarder.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined chat.

KANKRI: hey little 9ne

CG: KANKRI.

CG: I'M NOT LITTLE.

KANKRI: i have a large am9unt 9f sugared treats in my vehicle.

KANKRI: 9h?

CG: ...OH...

CG: NO.

CG: NO YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.

KANKRI: right, i h9pe that didn't trigger y9u. right, y9u're a 6ig 69y n9w

CG: KANKRI OH MY GOD!

KANKRI: what?

KANKRI: am i 9ffending y9u?

CG: NO.

KANKRI: please tell me if s9

KANKRI: g99d

CG: WHAT IF I WAS OFFENDED?

CG: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

CG: WOULD YOU LET ME SPANK YOU?

CG: RETRIBUTION AND ALL.

KANKRI: 9n the next epis9de What w9uld Kankri d9 if Karkat was 9ffended? stay tuned.

CG: FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

KANKRI: i have n9 idea

KANKRI: what w9uld Y9U d9?

CG: WHAT--WHAT WOULD I DO IF I OFFENDED YOU?

CG: LAUGH.

KANKRI: n9, i mean

KANKRI: what w9uld y9u d9 if y9u were 9ffended?

CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

CG: I'M NOT EASILY OFFENDED.

KANKRI: i figured

CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY OUR CONVERSATIONS ARE ALWAYS SO AWFUL.

KANKRI: karkat, y9u're a g99d 69y 6ut y9u're are usually a 6ig 6ehind, which is why they're s9 awful

CG: WELL IF THAT WASN'T THE SLIP OF THE CENTURY.

CG: MY ASS ISN'T BIG. ALSO, I'M NOT A GOOD BOY.

CG: I'M ACTUALLY A REALLY BAD BOY. I MISBEHAVE ALL THE TIME.

CG: I TALK BACK.

KANKRI: y9u ARE a g99d 69y, Karkat. if 6ig guy kankri says s9, it's true.

CG: I DON'T DO AS I AM TOLD MOST OF THE TIME.

CG: OH MY GOD. YOU ARE NOT *BIG GUY* KANKRI.

CG: LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE A FLIP OF A THING.

CG: I COULD TAKE YOU IN A FIGHT.

KANKRI: y9u're sh9rter

CG: FUCK YOU.

KANKRI: mister stu66y nu66y

CG: FUCK HEIGHT DIFFERENCES.

CG: STUBBY NUBB--

CG: I WILL KILL YOU.

KANKRI: yes i kn9w

KANKRI: 9h?

KANKRI: i'm dead th9ugh

CG: FNDSJKFLE

KANKRI: was that an 9rgasm?

KANKRI: 9r y9ur mating call?

KANKRI: Karkat i didn't kn9w.

CG: I FUCKING HATE YOU.

CG: MORE THAN EVER TONIGHT.

KANKRI: that hurts, Karkat

CG: CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY YOU'RE NOT HERE. I WOULD BE WRINGING YOUR SCRAWNY FUCKING NECK.

KANKRI: that hurts my pure mutant heart

CG: NO IT DOESN'T.

CG: DON'T SAY MUTANT HEART.

KANKRI: yes it d9es

CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

CG: NO.

KANKRI: i'm s9rry

KANKRI: i'm a 6ad pers9n f9r saying that

CG: NO.

KANKRI: 6ecause, like i said, 6ig guy kankri is always right, i T9LD y9u t9 tag, i T9LD y9u karkat.

CG: YOU'RE A BAD PERSON FOR OTHER REASONS.

CG: OH MY SWEET MOTHERGRUB.

CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SITTING HERE TOLERATING THIS.

KANKRI: they are pretty sweet

CG: LISTENING TO THIS DRIVEL.

CG: DON'T EVEN GO THERE MAN.

CG: JUST DON'T.

KANKRI: alright, if y9u say s9

KANKRI: what d9 y9u want me t9 d9?

CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT VEHICLE FULL OF CONFECTIONERIES AND FIND OTHER GRUBS TO COERCE INTO YOUR CLUTCHES.

CG: YOU FREAKY FUCK.

KANKRI: i was trying t9 make y9u happy th9ugh,

KANKRI: y9u're always a saggy cheek muscle.

KANKRI: it's like when y9ur lusus was teaching y9u h9w t9 measure with rulers, and y9u kept 6ending them

CG: ...

KANKRI: i 9nce had a flexi6le ruler, and it reminds me 9f y9u

CG: THAT IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

KANKRI: h9w is that wr9ng

KANKRI: y9u're right, i d9n't have any ideas

CG: COMPARING ME TO A FLEXIBLE RULER. I JUST...

CG: WHAT IS MY LIFE ANYMORE?

KANKRI: y9ur fr9wn, t9 a flexi6le ruler

KANKRI: karkat what were y9u thinking

CG: IS THIS WHAT I AM GOING TO GROW INTO?

CG: YOU?

KANKRI: if y9u want

CG: ...

KANKRI: i'll still 6e with y9u

CG: NO YOU WILL NOT.

KANKRI: 9k

KANKRI: what d9 y9u want me t9 d9 then?

CG: I'D LIKE YOU TO DIG UP THAT RULER AND SPANK YOURSELF WITH IT.

KANKRI: if that's what y9u want

CG: WAIT WHAT.

KANKRI: 6ut thats very inapr9-pr9, karkat.

CG: YOU'D REALLY DO IT?

CG: NO IT'S NOT.

CG: CONSIDER IT DISCIPLINARY MEASURES.

KANKRI: alright then.

KANKRI: *reaches up his sweater* 9ne sec9nd i think i g9t it

KANKRI: *takes 9ut an anch9r*

KANKRI: wait n9

KANKRI: wr9ng item

KANKRI: *takes 9ut a flexi6le ruler* g9t it

KANKRI: i think i felt fur there t99

CG: ARE YOU...

CG: WAIT.

CG: ARE YOU STORING SHIT IN THERE?

KANKRI: i 9nce g9t w9ken up 6y a me9w c9ming f9rm ym sweater

KANKRI: why n9t it's ugly anyway

CG: AS LONG AS YOU KNOW.

KANKRI: p9rrim can make me an9ther 9ne if this rips

KANKRI: meenah tried attacking me, she c9uldn't s9 she tried picking me up and c9uldn't,n9t even an inch high

CG: IF YOU'RE STASHING ANCHORS IT'S DEFINITELY ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.

CG: HAHAHA OH MY FUCKING GOD.

KANKRI: 9nly 9ne

CG: THAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY, OK, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

KANKRI: i'm glad y9u find it funny

CG: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD HUMOR IN YOU.

CG: MUST BE TUCKED INTO THAT SWEATER.

KANKRI: i g9t an idea 9f st9ring items fr9m human animati9ns. i was surprised when i saw them take items fr9m their 6ack

KANKRI: s9 i th9ught 9f st9ring things in my sweater

KANKRI: it's neat, i just find things and st9re them and if s9me9ne is l99king f9r them i just take it 9ut fr9m the 6ack 9f mysweater and give it t9 them. th9ught i st9pped d9ing that 6ecause it l99ks like i take them 9ut 9f my 69tt9m, even th9ugh i d9n't.

KANKRI: that l99ks very inappr9priate

CG: IF YOU'RE ABLE TO DEFY LOGIC LIKE THAT, IT'S NOT A FAR CRY FROM STICKING SHIT UP YOUR WASTE CHUTE.

KANKRI: s9 i have less items than 6ef9re

CG: YOU'RE A WHOLE STORAGE VESSEL IN YOURSELF.

KANKRI: als9, have y9u heard 9f Santa Clause?

CG: UNFORTUNATELY.

KANKRI: an 9verweight magical human with a 6eard wh9 wears red and white, every "christmas" he gives each child a gift 9ver night

CG: ...

KANKRI: he 6reaks int9 pe9ple's hiv6es

KANKRI: and places gifts under gigantic plants

CG: BUT HE DOES IT WITH GOOD INTENT.

KANKRI: i d9n't kn9w h9w he didn't 6reak things there 6ut thats it

KANKRI: i think i sh9uld 6e Santa Vantas?

KANKRI: i can give things t9 pe9ple f9rm my sweater.

CG: PRACTICE? WHAT THE FUCK. WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE JOVIAL FAT ASS--

CG: OH PLEASE NO.

KANKRI: 6ecause i d9n't need any 9f the stuff i have there

CG: DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT SHIT FROM YOUR SWEATER THOUGH?

KANKRI: may6e

CG: NO, YOU CERTAINLY DON'T NEED AN ANCHOR.

CG: OR A FLEXIBLE RULER.

KANKRI: i have p9rn9graphic images there

CG: OR A CAT.

KANKRI: may6e s9me9ne wants it

CG: ...

CG: WHY??

KANKRI: i can give pe9ple cats t99

KANKRI: they're very ad9ra6le.

KANKRI: i f9und it

CG: CATS AND PORN DON'T MIX.

CG: WELL, THEY DO ON SOME WEBSITES BUT.

KANKRI: i 9riginally wanted t9 give it t9 y9u 6ut then i realized y9u weren't like that

KANKRI: i mean, if y9u are i can

KANKRI: let me get it

CG: WHAT--THE IMAGES??

KANKRI: *sh9ves his hand in under his sweater 9n the side*

KANKRI: i g9t it

KANKRI: *slips it 9ut*

CG: UNLESS THEY'RE OF YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE IN A COMPROMISING POSITION, I DON'T WANT THEM.

KANKRI: *flips it 9ver and reads* High6l99d Pressure....haha.

KANKRI: is this a j9ke

KANKRI: anyway, here y9u g9. *hands it 9ver*

CG: EW.

CG: GOD.

CG: NO.

CG: JUST...

KANKRI: y9u d9n't want it? i'll give it t9 Cr9nus instead.

CG: -takes it with a grimace-

CG: FUCK NO.

KANKRI: 9h alright

CG: THAT GUY WILL TAKE IT AS AN INVITATION FROM YOU.

CG: HE WANTS YOUR SCRAWNY ASS PRETTY BAD.

KANKRI: hmm, y9u're right

KANKRI: 9ne sec9nd, i g9t this.

CG: WELL, YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSE'S I THINK.

CG: ...

KANKRI: *reaches f9r a lighter*

KANKRI: ah, here

KANKRI: *lights it up and dr9ps it*

CG: THAT WAS A LITTLE EXTREME BUT OKAY THEN, WHATEVER WORKS.

KANKRI: yes.

KANKRI: i have a Human planet Earth map t99

KANKRI: want t9 see it?

KANKRI: it's very interesting

CG: YOU FUCKING PACK RAT, HOLY SHIT.

KANKRI: *reaches ans a 6unch 9f cray9ns fall 9ut* i can't find it

KANKRI: 9h there

KANKRI: *slips it 9ut*

KANKRI: they have icelands ,greenlands and drylands

KANKRI: i've heard they have different races t99

KANKRI: it's like sea dwellers and land dwellers, 6ut different.

KANKRI: *crumples it up and sh9ves it 6ack*

KANKRI: i have s9mething f9r y9u

KANKRI: *takes 9ut a 4 m9nth 9ld kitten*

CG: -smacks his hand to his forehead-

KANKRI: he reminds me 9f y9u, he's very angry and 6ites all the times, and he's gray t99

KANKRI: l99k he's g9t stripes 9n his 6ack, isn't that preci9us?

KANKRI: *kitten 6ites his finger* 9UCH!

CG: PRECIOUS LIKE A THORN IN MY ASS.

CG: SEE?

CG: I'M NOT TAKING THE CAT. WHERE ARE YOU EVEN ACCUMULATING ALL THIS CRAP?

CG: KANKRI, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

KANKRI: i d9 n9t

CG: THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY IS ADMITTING THIS.

CG: YOU DO.

KANKRI: n9

CG: YOU FUCKING HOARDER.

CG: GIVE ALL THIS SHIT TO YOUR DUMB FRIENDS AND BE DONE WITH IT.

KANKRI: it's n9t my fault these kittens are ad9ra6le

CG: WELL OK THEY ARE.

CG: BUT THEY NEED TO BE... I DON'T KNOW, NOT LIVING IN THERE.

CG: GOD FORBID ANYTHING SHOULD LIVE ON YOU.

KANKRI: l99k, i cna give y9u an9ther 9ne, he's very cuddly and d9esn't c9nsume much. he actually ate half 9f my stuff which is strange 6ut he d9esn't 6ite

KANKRI: he can eat anything s9 y9u d9n't have t9 w9rry?

KANKRI: please take him, he ate my dvd's.

KANKRI: they were rare

CG: SOUNDS LIKE A CAT WITH GOOD TASTE.

CG: I'LL TAKE IT I GUESS.

CG: IT CAN RUN AROUND THE METEOR AND EAT DAVE'S CD'S.

KANKRI: yes

KANKRI: *takes it 9ut*

KANKRI: just l99k at him

CG: -glares-

KANKRI: *raises eye6r9ws*

CG: -huffs-

CG: YEAH OK.

CG: CUTE.

KANKRI: i'm glad y9u like him

KANKRI: i'm sure he will like y9u t99

CG: GOODIE. SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR MOBILE STORAGE UNIT?

KANKRI: i have an9ther cat that cna take care 9f this.

KANKRI: i d9n't kn9w h9w it gets rid 9f the waste

CG: OF COURSE YOU DO.

KANKRI: wait i think i'm scared t9 kn9w

CG: OH FUCKING GROSS.

KANKRI: w9w i need t9 ask p9rrim f9r an9ther sweater

KANKRI: i d9n't like this 9ne anyway

CG: HAVE YOU DEVELOPED SOME SENSE OF FASHION?

KANKRI: i d9n't kn9w.

CG: OR DO YOU WANT AN UGLY ASS CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

KANKRI: n9

KANKRI: h9w d9 i get it then?

CG: FUCKED IF I KNOW, MAN.

KANKRI: 9h well

KANKRI: i'll just ask f9r a specific sweater

KANKRI: i d9n't kn9w what th9ugh.

CG: REINDEERS HUMPING.

KANKRI: what if i ask f9r a an ad9ra6le cat?

CG: JUST TRUST ME ON THIS.

KANKRI: 9h..

KANKRI: h9w a69ut cats "humping"

CG: YOU CAN HAVE AN ADORABLE CAT ON THE BACK.

CG: YES.

CG: OK.

CG: PERFECT.

CG: ADORABLE CATS HUMPING.

KANKRI: hehe.

CG: THAT'S VERY FESTIVE.

KANKRI: i h9pe my Leij9n friend w9n't 6e 9ffended th9ugh.

CG: SOMETHING TELLS ME SHE'D LIKE IT.

KANKRI: are y9u sure?

CG: POSITIVE.

KANKRI: i'm still n9t sure a69ut that 6ut 9k.

KANKRI: i'll try t9 ask f9r 9ne, i h9pe P9rrim d9esn't questi9n me a69ut the idea.

CG: SHE'S A CAT CHICK RIGHT? IF SHE'S ANYTHING LIKE MY LEIJON SHE'LL APPRECIATE IT.

CG: TELL HER IT'S KARKAT'S IDEA. SHE'LL GET IT.

CG: NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE TWO HUMPING PUSSIES.

KANKRI: 9kay

KANKRI: w9w

KANKRI: that statement was..

KANKRI: i d9n't kn9w..

CG: YEAH MY PAN IS WANDERING WITH THAT VISUAL.

KANKRI: haha.

KANKRI: karkat, i need t9 ask y9u s9mething

KANKRI: d9 y9u like sweets?

CG: YES, KANKRI, I LIKE SWEETS.

CG: IN MODERATION.

CG: WHY?

KANKRI: i have t9 many

KANKRI: i have a l9t 9f candy c9rn.

CG: WELL UNLOAD THEM ON ME I GUES--

CG: NO.

CG: I HATE CANDY CORN

CG: THEY LOOK LIKE MY HORNS.

KANKRI: peppermint?

CG: IT'S FUCKING RETARDED.

KANKRI: haha.

CG: YES, I LIKE PEPPERMINT.

KANKRI: mine t99

KANKRI: *reaches f9r a 8 p9und 6ag*

KANKRI: herey9u g9.

CG: YES, IT'S HORN SHAMING OR SOME DUMB CRAP LIKE THAT.

CG: WHAT THE HELL?

KANKRI: what?

CG: WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH CANDY??

KANKRI: what kind 9f sick creature d9esnt like candy?

KANKRI: n9 9ffense.

CG: BUT AS USUAL YOU'RE HOARDING.

CG: YOU DON'T NEED TO STOCK UP LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE.

KANKRI: what else gives me energy t9 talk?

KANKRI: t9 6e h9nest i d9n't like talking that much

KANKRI: it was in style?

KANKRI: w9w.

KANKRI: d9 y9u want candy canes?

CG: FIGURE OF SPEECH, DIPWAD.

CG: UH YEAH.

CG: SURE?

CG: I GUESS.

CG: KANKRI COME HERE.

CG: I AM JUST GOING TO SHAKE YOU DOWN.

KANKRI: *takes 9ut 9nly 2*

KANKRI: what

CG: I'M SICK OF THIS NONSENSE.

KANKRI: alright

KANKRI: *walks up t9 him*

KANKRI: please d9n't 6e scared if y9u hear a c9w6ell.

KANKRI: its just a c9w6ell.

CG: -scrunches his nose and just goes for it, reaching his hands under the sweater and scaling them up his sides-

CG: NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK...

CG: -THE COWBELL DINGS-

CG: OH FUCKING HELL.

KANKRI: *smirks*

KANKRI: wait WAIT-

KANKRI: *an9ther anch9r falls 9ut *

KANKRI: it alm9st g9t y9u

CG: -slips his palms around Kankri's sides and up his shoulders and begins papping him to---

CG: AUUUGH.

KANKRI: careful.

CG: YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS, DO YOU KNOW THAT???

KANKRI: n9t my fault

CG: SCREW THAT SHIT, I AM GOING TO RATTLE YOU UNTIL EVERYTHING FALLS OUT.

KANKRI: als9 l99k 9ut f9r raz9rs.

KANKRI: check y9ur hands if there are any signs 9f injuries

CG: KANKRI FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK WHY RAZORS??

CG: I THOUGHT THE TRIGGER WHISTLE WAS BAD ENOUGH.

KANKRI: i need t9 shave 9ff my facial hair 9f c9urse.

KANKRI: why else?

KANKRI: i d9n't like it when it gr9ws

CG: IT PROBABLY LOOKS HOT ON YOU.

CG: BUT WHATEVER. OK.

KANKRI: s99n y9u're g9nna have t9 shave t99. if y9u want a 6irdnest 9n y9ur face, thats fine t99.

KANKRI: what?

CG: I'D LOOK MORE DIGNIFIED WITH SOME HAIR.

CG: YOU SAID IT YOURSELF: STUBBY NUBS.

CG: I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WIGGLER.

KANKRI: trust me p9rrim was making faces at me when i didn't want t9 shave it, s9 i did

KANKRI: it was itchy and h9t t99

KANKRI: i g9t f99d stuck in there

KANKRI: and when i tried drinking milk it g9t all 9ver it

KANKRI: i 6r9ke few raz9rs t99 trying t9 shave my 6eard 9ff

KANKRI: it wasn't even that 6ig

KANKRI: less than a centimeter thick

CG: HAHAHA YOU SUCK.

KANKRI: that was n9t nice.

CG: DEAL WITH IT.

KANKRI: *fr9wns*

CG: DON'T BE SUCH A BENDY RULER.

KANKRI: hmph. *faces the 9ther ways and cr9sses his arms*

KANKRI: WHAT?

KANKRI: I'M N9T 6EING A 6ENDY RULER

CG: YES YOU ARE.

CG: YOU SO ARE.

CG: YOU BIG FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

KANKRI: if y9u wanted t9 use the 6endy ruler, y9u sh9ulve said a W99DEN RULER, 6ecause that makes m9re sense

KANKRI: d9n't call me that th9ugh.

CG: NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING A WET BLANKET.

KANKRI: EXCUSE ME?

CG: -sidles on over and drops his chin on Kankri's shoulder grinning-

KANKRI: I'M N9T 6EING A WET 6LANKET. I'M N9T EVEN CL9SE T9 6EING 9NE.

CG: YEAH YOU ARE.

KANKRI: HUH?

CG: I CAN FEEL IT.

KANKRI: N9

CG: YOU'RE SOAKING THROUGH.

CG: OH FUCK.

CG: OH SHIT.

KANKRI: WHAT?!

CG: KANKRI YOU'RE DAMP!

CG: HOLY SHIT.

CG: SOMEONE FETCH A TOWEL.

CG: WAIT NO.

KANKRI: THEN Y9U SH9ULDN'T DR99L 9N ME!

CG: THIS IS A FUCKING BLANKET.

CG: AND IT'S WET!

CG: OH LIKE THIS?

CG: -drags his tongue up over his jaw-

KANKRI: WHAT? N9! ST9P!

CG: NO.

KANKRI: D9N'T LICK ME!

KANKRI: I D9N'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH

CG: -flicks his tongue against the side of his neck-

CG: -snorts-

KANKRI: MMF

KANKRI: Y9U'RE 6EING INAPPR9PRIATE

CG: -and gently nips at the now wet sin-

CG: SKIN*

CG: SO STOP ME, GRUB.

KANKRI: *6ites his lip*

KANKRI: actually i like this.

CG: HUH YOU'RE PRETTY SMOOTH. -nuzzling his lips over the shaved jawline-

KANKRI: *purrs quietly*

CG: SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE DONE POUTING? -his hands wander around and rest on his dancestor's hips-

KANKRI: yes...mmm

CG: that's a good boy.

KANKRI: *cl9ses his eyes while he purrs*

KANKRI: *purrs l9uder*

CG: -the purring is encouraging and he actually kisses the spot he'd been lavishing with attention-

CG: -before lightly sucking at the pocket of skin and sweeping over it with his tongue before trailing kisses up to his ear-

KANKRI: mmmmnneh

KANKRI: *he starts m9aning t9 it*

KANKRI: *l99ks d9wn and lets 9ut a shaky sigh*

CG: -His hands stealthily sneak under the hem of Kankri's shirt and splay out over his belly-

CG: -While his tongue rolls over the shell of his ear, teeth scraping the lobe-

KANKRI: *squeezes his eyes shut, he 96vi9usly can't handle the ar9usal*

CG: You okay, Kanks? -His voice is teasing, the comment followed by a playful bite behind his ear-

KANKRI: y-yes i'm fine.

CG: Are you sure?

CG: I'm not triggering anything I shouldn't be?

CG: -smirk-

KANKRI: *narr9ws his eyes at him carefully and cl9ses his eyes and c9ntinues t9 purr s9ftly*

CG: -His fingers creep up underneath the sweater, teasing with light caresses, pressing into his sides and scraping across his chest-

KANKRI: *h9lds 6ack a n9ise 6ut can't help and let it 9ut which turns 9ut like a dying high pitched racc99n*

KANKRI: excuse me..

CG: ...WOW, AREN'T YOU THE EPITOME OF SEX APPEAL.

CG: I COULD BEND YOU OVER AND FUCK YOU SENSELESS IF YOU BLEAT RIGHT NOW.

#vantascest #karcest #msparp #omg this kankri

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