#killing for sport(shia labeouf)

[benthesoldiersjeanshorts]

[lover-of-skellies]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

What the hell did I just read

[thiccsys]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

um doors roblox?

[asteroidtroglodyte]

You're walking in the woods

There's no one around and your phone is dead

Out of the corner of your eye you spot him

Shia LaBeouf

He's following you, about 30 feet back

He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint

He's gaining on you

Shia LaBeouf

You're looking for you car but you're all turned around

He's almost upon you now

And you can see there's blood on his face

My God, there's blood everywhere!

Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)

He's brandishing a knife (it's Shia LaBeouf)

Lurking in the shadows

Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf

Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)

Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)

Eating all the bodies

Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf

Now it's dark, and you seem to have lost him

But you're hopelessly lost yourself

Stranded with a murderer

You creep silently through the underbrush

Aha! In the distance

A small cottage with a light on

Hope! You move stealthily toward it

But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg (quiet, quiet)

Limping to the cottage (quiet, quiet)

Now you're on the doorstep

Sitting inside

Shia LaBeouf

Sharpening an axe (Shia LaBeouf)

But he doesn't hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf)

You're sneaking up behind him

Strangling superstar

Shia LaBeouf

Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf

Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf

Stab him in his kidney

Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf

You limp into the dark woods

Blood oozing from your stump leg

You've beaten Shia LaBeouf

Wait! He isn't dead (Shia surprise)

There's a gun to your head and death in his eyes

But you can do jiu-jitsu

Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf

Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf

Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf

You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf

But blood is draining fast from your stump leg

He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left

You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

You're chopping his head now

You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf

His head topples to the floor, expressionless

You fall to your knees and catch your breath

You're finally safe from Shia LaBeouf

[k4ppasta]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

I come back from like.. a long ass hiatus and I see this in my inbox and I’m.. who are you……

[robinthisbank]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

I’m experiencing an emotion I don’t think has a name over this

[maypl-syrup]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

Saved this until the song came up on my Spotify playlist :3

[averytinyfrog]

You're walking in the woods There's no one around And your phone is dead Out of the corner of your eye you spot him Shia LaBeouf

He's following you About thirty feet back He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint He's gaining on you Shia LaBeouf

You're looking for your car But you're all turned around He's almost upon you now And you can see there's blood on his face! My God, there's blood everywhere!

Running for your life (From Shia LaBeouf) He's brandishing a knife (It's Shia LaBeouf) Lurking in the shadows Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf) Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf) Eating all the bodies Actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him But you're hopelessly lost yourself Stranded with a murderer You creep silently through the underbrush A-ha! In the distance A small cottage with a light on Hope! You move stealthily toward it But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet) Limping toward the cottage (Quiet, quiet) Now you're on the doorstep Sitting inside, Shia LaBeouf Sharpening an ax (Shia LaBeouf) But he doesn't hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf) You're sneaking up behind him Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf Stab it in his kidney Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf

You limp into the dark woods Blood oozing from your stump leg But you have won You have beaten Shia LaBeouf

[hummingbird-hunter]

Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf) Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf) Eating all the bodies Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf

Now it's dark, and you seem to have lost him But you're hopelessly lost yourself Stranded with a murderer You creep silently through the underbrush

Aha! In the distance A small cottage with a light on Hope! You move stealthily toward it But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg (quiet, quiet) Limping to the cottage (quiet, quiet) Now you're on the doorstep Sitting inside Shia LaBeouf

Sharpening an axe (Shia LaBeouf) But he doesn't hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf) You're sneaking up behind him Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf

Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf Stab him in his kidney Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf

You limp into the dark woods Blood oozing from your stump leg You've beaten Shia LaBeouf

Wait! He isn't dead (Shia surprise) There's a gun to your head and death in his eyes But you can do jiu-jitsu

Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf

But blood is draining fast from your stump leg He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck You're chopping his head now You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf

His head topples to the floor, expressionless You fall to your knees and catch your breath You're finally safe from Shia LaBeouf

Rest in peace shia labeouf

[randomtotallyrealgirl]

you're walking in the woods, there's noone around and your phone is dead, out of the corner of your eye you spot him

(shia labeouf)

he's following you. about thirty feet back, he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. HE'S GAINING ON YOU.

(shia labeouf)

you're looking for your car but you're all turned around, he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face, my god, there's blood everywhere!

running for your life from shia labeouf, he's brandishing a knife it's shia labeouf, lurking in the shadoooowwwws, hollywood superstar shia labeouf, living in the woods shia labeouf, killing for sport shia labeouf, eating all the boddieeeesss

actual. cannibal. shia labeouf.

(shiiiaa)

now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, but you've hopelessly lost yourself

(shiiiaaaa)

stranded with a murderer, you creep silently through the underbrush, aha! in the distance! a small cottage with a light on! hope! you move stealthily towards it, but your leg AHH IT'S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!!!

gnawing off your leg

(quiet quiet)

limping to the cottage

(quiet quiet)

now you're at the doorstep, sitting inside shia labouf, sharpening an axe shia labouf, but he doesn't hear you enterrrr shia labeouf, you're sneaking up behind him, strangling superstar shia labeouf, fighting for your life with shia labeouf, wrestling a knife from shia labeouf, stab it in his kindeeeeyyyyy,

safe at last from shia labeouf.

...

you limp through the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg, you've beaten...... shia labeouf.........

.....

BUT WAIT. HE ISN'T DEAD

(shia surprise!)

THERE'S A GUN TO YOUR HEAD, AND DEATH IN HIS EYES, but you can do jiu-jitsuuuuuu

(you can do it)

body slam superstar shia labeouf

(legendary)

normal tuesday night for shia labeouf

(fight with)

you try to swing an axe at shia labeouf

(shiiiaaaa)

but blood is draining fast from your stump leg, he's dodging every swipe, the parries to the left

(leg but you)

you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck

(fight him)

you're chopping off his head noooowww

you have just decapitated shia labeouf

his head toppled to the floor, expressionless, you fall to your knees and catch your breath.

you're finally safe.... from shia labeouf.....

Gosh I'm so glad I went to check out the Youtube video of this cause I completely forgot this was even a meme for so long... truly a masterpiece :) (Also linkety link for whoever might want it: https://youtu.be/o0u4M6vppCI)

[internerdionality]

Midnight thoughts... if Shia LaBeouf was "eating all the bodies" then by definition, he's not killing for sport...

[thejazzvoid]

Forest-dwelling Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf is an avatar of the Hunt.

[amariasolo]

8/7/2018

Running for your life from Shia LaBeouf

He’s brandishing a knife, it’s Shia LaBeouf

Lurking in the shadows

Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf

Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)

Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)

Eating all the bodies

Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf

-Rob Cantor, “Shia LaBeouf”

[sonicrainbooms]

You’re laughing. You're walking in the woods. There's no one around, and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye, you spot him. (Shia LaBeouf) He's following you, about 30 feet back. He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. He's gaining on you! (Shia LaBeouf)

You're looking for your car, but you're all turned around. He's almost upon you now, and you can see there's blood on his face!

My god, there's blood everywhere!

Running for your life from Shia LaBeouf! He's brandishing a knife, it's Shia LaBeouf! Lurking in the shadows, Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf! Living in the woods, Shia LeBeouf! Killing for sport, Shia LaBeouf! Eating all the bodies, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf! Now it's dark, and you seem to have lost him. But you're hopelessly lost yourself, stranded with a murderer. You creep silently through the underbrush Aha! In the distance, a small cottage with a light on! Hope! You move stealthily toward it, but your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet) Limping toward the cottage (Quiet, quiet) Now you're on the doorstep Sitting inside, Shia LaBeouf!

Sharpening an ax, Shia LaBeouf! But he doesn't hear you enter, Shia LaBeouf! You're sneaking up behind him Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf! Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf! Stab it in his kidney.... safe at last from Shia LaBeouf! You limp into the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg. You've beaten Shia LaBeouf.

Wait! He isn't dead! Shia Surprise! There's a gun to your head, and death in his eyes. But you can do Jiu Jitsu. Body Slam superstar Shia LaBeouf! Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf! Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf! You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf! But blood is draining fast from your stump leg! He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left, you counter to the right, you catch him in the neck. You're chopping off his head now... You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf! His head topples to the floor, expressionless You fall to your knees and catch your breath You're finally safe from Shia LaBeouf. And you’re laughing.

[365days365movies]

January 24, 2021: Speed Racer (2008) (Part 1)

Car Action Weekend Concludes!

Anime! As I’m sure Tumblr is aware, Japan’s most famous television format has spread far and wide, especially in the United States. It started on American TV with Astro Boy in 1963. A few series premiered after that, but one of the series that made the biggest splash was a little show about a boy, his girlfriend, his friend, his father, his little brother, and his little brother’s chimpanzee.

Oh, also cars or something.

Mach GoGoGo, AKA Speed Racer in the USA, was a classic series about car racing, with wacky enemies, crazy cars, and about a year’s worth of runtime. Still, it lasted for YEARS, to the extent that I remember watching it at some point in the early 2000s! But I didn’t grow up with it. The Wachowskis, however, might have.

Oh yeah, it’s THESE gals. Directors and creators of the Matrix, the Wachowskis were looking to direct a more family-friendly movie, and hopped onto a Speed Racer adaptation that’d been in development for years. Since 1992, Warner Bros had been trying to bring the enigmatic racecar driver to life, with Johnny Depp as the lead...in 1995. 

He left, though, and actors Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Shia LaBeouf, and Zac Efron would be considered over the years. For the director, Julien Temple, Gus Van Sant, Alfonso Cuaron, and Hype Williams were recommended. Eventually, though, the Wachowskis would accept the job, and Emile Hirsch was brought into the project, alongside a surprising cast. But, we’ll get there. 

So why Speed Racer for this month? Why not save this for Sports November? Or, better yet, why watch this at all? Honestly...I wanted to do this one. Mostly because in recent years, it’s become controversial with reviewers and critics. Why? Well, lets get into it, rather than explain here! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Speed Racer - yes, Speed Racer (Emile Hersch), that is his ACTUAL NAME - is awaiting an upcoming race, when we get a glimpse into his past. A distracted kid at school, much to the dismay of his mother, Mom (Susan Sarandon), he’s not doing great at school, thinking only about races and his brother, Rex (Scott Porter).

In a legitimately neat touch, he daydreams being in a race, with the original Speed Racer theme song playing in the background. His daydream is bright and colorful, and looks like it’s drawn by a little kid. Which is funny, because the entire movie has a cartoon aesthetic, it turns out.

We’ll see if I get used to THAT. He gets in the car with Rex, and they go to the RIDICULOUS racetrack, holy shit. It’s like Mario Kart in here. From the track, we transition to the modern day. The world is watching, as Speed Racer tears up the track, and also as I GET A SEIZURE GAAAAAAAAH. This is an insanely colorful world with some very confusing and complicated visuals. This movie is...something, that’s for sure.

During the race, we find out that something happened to Rex 8 years ago, during which Rex set the track record. We also meet his girlfriend, Trixie (Christina Ricci), father, Pops (John Goodman), brother Spritle (Pauline Litt), and...chimpanzee, Chim Chim (Willy and Kenzie, interchangeably, YES I CREDITED THE CHIMPS). Speed Racer. I keep forgetting that this is Speed Racer.

More flashbacks to the past show us how Trixie and Speed met, as well as a STRAIGHT UP MURDER ATTEMPT WHAT

Whoof; cutthroat business, that racing stuff. Rex leaves Racer Motors as a result, and leaves Speed his car, apparently turning to the dark side by taking out other racers with increasingly dirty tactics. This lasted until a brutal crash that apparently killed him. But, if you know your Speed Racer mythos even a little...

Back to the race, where Speed is about to beat his brother’s record, but purposely slows down just enough. In any case, he wins the race, as a shadowy figure that totally isn’t his alive brother watches on.

The next morning, the family, Trixie, and road manager Sparky (Kick Gurry) are having breakfast. They’re interrupted by E.P. Arnold Royalton, esq. (Roger Allam), an executive who’s come to recruit Speed, proposing to act as a sponsor for not just Speed, but for Racer Motors. While Pops isn’t inclined to sign up with a big company, Royalton’s offer is intriguing enough for them to go to MY EYES!!!!

OH CHRIST MY EYES WHAT THE HELL

OK, look, this film is gorgeous, and also looks like Robert Rodriguez’s imagination vomited all over the screen. Seriously, I appreciate the artistry here, but...OW. And this ENTIRE SEQUENCE is an exercise in my visual tolerance for 2008-era graphics and ridiculously bright colors.

The Racers are taken for a dizzying journey through Royalton Industries, and my entire brain is melting, God. After the tour, Pops tells Royalton that, while his money intimidates him, he’s open to an alliance between RI and Racer Motors. And then, we transition from the bright and poppy world of Royalton Industries, to - 

YO WHAT??? Talk about a complete opposite tone! This crime boss, Cruncher Block (John Benfield), is beating and torturing a driver, Taejo (Rain), and he’s pretty obviously bloodied. Before feeding Taejo’s hands to his pet CGI piranhas (yes, really), they’re interrupted. Also, did I mention that this office is INSIDE OF A MOVING TRUCK WHAT.

The intruder is the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox), who takes down their battle truck with his car’s weaponry. And I gotta say, this is a neat, if extremely wacky, battle sequence. Cruncher throws Taejo out of the truck, only for Racer X to save him and try to recruit him to stop Cruncher. He might be a bit of a vigilante, it would seem.

While Speed and Trixie have a romantic getaway - which is spoiled by an intruding Spritle and Chim Chim - a shady deal between Royalton and a competitor is taking place, revealing that he isn’t entirely on the up-and-up. The next day, Speed meets with Royalton, thinking on signing the contracts. He decides not to, citing an interaction with his father from shortly after Rex’s death, and stating that he couldn’t abandon his family like that.

Royalton’s not very happy about that, though, and taps into his inner Tim Curry something FIERCE. He monologues on the invention of the modern racing league, as well as the financial implications of races through history. In other words, racing’s about power and money, and he reveals that races like the Grand Prix are rigged from the get-go. And SMACK-DAB in the middle of that villain monologue:

A sugar high. The editing of this film is hyperactive, I swear. Forgot to mention that Spritle and Chim Chim snuck into RI with Speed to steal candy - yes, really - and discover that the cars being built by RI have dirty tricks literally built in. Speed turns Royalton down, and Royalton tells him that Speed won’t win or even place in the next race, which we cut to immediately.

Taejo from earlier is racing, and gets in a crash that he somehow survives? Speed also crashes and loses, as predicted by Royalton, which destroys the Mach 6. This leads to Racer Motors being sued for copyright infringement, disgracing them in the media. He also speaks to Ben Burns (Richard Roundtree), one of his racing heroes, and finds out that his classic race was indeed rigged in his failure. This, of course, breaks Speed’s racing spirit.

After a pep talk from Mom, Racer Motors gets a visit from Racer X and Inspector Detector (Benny Furmann), who ask Speed for help. Taejo’s asked them for help, but only if Racer X and Speed help. Unfortunately, the race is on the same dangerous track that Rex died on. However, if they win, it will cause trouble for the crime boss Crusher and his secret ally, Royalton. While Pops fiercely objects, Speed goes in secret, with Trixie as support.

Speed finally wears the classic Speed Race outfit while in the classic car, they go to the race track, and I STROKE OUT AGAIN GODDAMIVWHBROVQJQ

And somehow THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THE GODDAMN MOVIE. See you in Part 2!

[beaft]

living in the woods

(SHIA LABEOUF)

killing for sport

(SHIA LABEOUF)

eating all the berries…….

(ACTUAL BOG WITCH SHIA LABEOUF)