#kinda like what happened with my mom and dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! today has been rough emotionally :))))))))))))))))))))

[snekdood]

me and my boyfriend were having a conversation earlier about how creepy my dad is and how he 1 used to spy on my mom w binoculars in his car across the street after their divorce (she got a restraining order luckily) but also 2 i remember him threatening to kill my mom and her current husband and i said something about how "i used to be scared i'd see him outside of my window watching me, even though he would probably just go after my mom i was worried he might try to kidnap me-"

and then it all clicked for me. the reason zero is the way he is is bc of my dad. the reason my comic is the way it is is bc of my fucking dad!

[maerenee930]

I'm sorry you're having a rough night, Mae T^T sending you all the hugs!

What's your zodiac sign and do you believe in astrology/magic?

Also, do you have anything you want to vent about?

aww, it’s okay 🥺 thank you so so much, joz 😭🫂🫂 and thank you so much for asking these!! i seriously cannot tell you how much i honestly appreciate it and all of the hugs and how much i genuinely appreciate you! 🥺😭💙💖

- my sun sign is Libra ✌️ party!! (sorry, i feel like i have to say it everytime i say i’m a libra thanks to adore delano 😂🖤) and my moon is Leo and my rising is also Libra 😄 so basically, i’m an indecisive, sensitive, emotional, artistic/creative and very theatrical human lol. and i absolutely love it! 😂 ♎️♌️♎️

- and i do believe in both astrology and magic ☺️ i’m not saying astrology is like always completely spot on or that i take everything to heart/super seriously 😅 but it all is super interesting to me! and i think it’s so interesting how accurate it can be for certain people and situations. or how it really can play a part in who we are on an emotional level, how we present ourselves to the world, how we’re perceived by other people because of our sun sign or moon and rising and how those signs and their traits can match our personalities. and as for magic, i think to a degree, it absolutely exists! i mean, i’m not saying people need wands to do magic or that what we see in shows, movies and in books is the only way to view magic 😅 but i think magic exists in many different ways. at the moment, i’m having a hard time finding the right words to give examples 🤦‍♀️ but i do believe there are so many types of magic in the world 🖤

- and yeah i do kinda need to vent about some stuff 🥺 thank you for letting me 😭🫂🫂 tomorrow i go back to work after being home for about a week and a half and i’m reeeeally glad to be going back because being home this much because of covid has made me feel like i’m going crazy! my dad has been driving me nuts! he’s been (as always anymore) in such a weird mood and just really annoying and rude! or like tonight, we had people over and he gets all weird and acts like such an ass to my mom and i when he’s around people he doesn’t live with 😑

(there’s a lot more under the cut so no one has to sit there and scroll through all my rambling nonsense 😅 apologize in advance for how much i ramble, for any spelling and grammar errors and if all of this doesn’t make much sense 🖤)

and with having a tough time mentally and emotionally right now, he just isn’t helping anything. and it’s one of his childhood friends who is over right now too and i’m just not a fan of him and i really can’t stand how my dad is around him cause he some how is even more annoying than he normally is when he’s around this friend and uuugh! he’s just the worst and i can’t stand him! he makes me wanna pack up all of my stuff right now and just leave. idek where i would go but i just can’t stand living with him anymore! 😤

and my poor mom 😣 she had another rough moment with my brother (the same kind of situation that happened today, happened the day after his wedding in april) and he’s really hurting my mom’s feelings. she just feels used by him and my sister-in-law (my parents have done A LOT for them over the past 9 almost 10 years. like more than my sister-in-law’s parents have ever done for them and more than most people would do for them in their situation) and yet, my brother chooses to give his energy and attention and time to people who are actual garbage over our family/the people who are truly there for him and have proven time and time again that they will always be there for him/them. like he chooses to spend time with them and give back to them when they don’t even truly do anything for him/them in the first place.

and both today and in april, my mom just wanted to spend time with him today so bad. (like yes, he works at the bakery again so they do work together. but it’s not like they’re spending quality time together at work. you know?) especially after letting him use her van for the past week because they only have one working car at the moment and my sister-in-law needed their car for work and maybe other things. and after my parents gave them a chair and a couch (i mean, yes we were getting rid of them anyway but my parents didn’t have to offer the furniture to them. especially after the way the treated our basement when the lived here. and just after all the stuff they did for them for the wedding, when her parents didn’t even offer to help pay for anything for the wedding. at all. the countless times my parents have done stuff for them or let them use one of their cars because they usually only have one working car and they needed another to get to work. just- my parents have done a lot for them, more than most people or parents would, to be honest.)

but they were hanging out with actual garbage. (they were also hanging out with that same person the day after the wedding and that friend does absolutely nothing for them! they buy them shit but tbh, buying material things does not a good friend make. and they were a shit friend to me when i was friends with them and they both knew that! uuuugh!! i’m getting off topic and this isn’t relevant to anything 🤦‍♀️) but yeah, my mom was hurt that once again, my brother was choosing to spend time with someone who we know very well wouldn’t be there for him or my sister-in-law the way we are and other and better friends would be and have been there for him/them. and it really hurt her. she broke down and i held her for about 10 minutes while she cried 😭

my mom does so much stuff for everyone and just deserves so much more and better than she gets 😭 and i’m just so mad at my brother of all people for being like this and for being like this with her! i’ve gotten used to him doing shit like that to me. (i mean it started way before they decided to stay friends with that piece of trash after knowing how they treated me the entire time we were friends and were angry for me when they were being a shit friend to me.) but i’m not okay at all with him hurting our mom! he’s been making all the choices 😑 the past few years and- uuugh! he needs to wake up and see that if he’s not careful, he’s going to lose the people who actually, truly and genuinely care about him and who will actually be there for him when he needs them.

and then there’s my stupid pms 😭 i’ve been so exhausted physically getting over covid and then my pms kicks in on top of it and is making me even more tired and it’s soo annoying! i hate this so much because all i want to do is sleep! i feel like there’s a magnet or something weighing and pulling me down and i have practically no energy and i go back to work tomorrow and i don’t want to be and can’t be this tired when i’m with the kids! and then my pms is messing with my hormones and emotions. i’m feeling really low mentally and emotionally. i’ve been feeling worthless and like i’m in everyone’s way and everyone would be better off if i either disappeared or just stay in my room, hide and never come out so i can leave them alone.

i feel like i’m annoying everyone all the time. i need a break from myself but can’t get one. and i feel like crying so hard but can’t. (i’ve felt that way like all day today) like i physically can’t even though i can feel it and really feel like i have to. (i understand that doesn’t make much sense. but it’s honestly how i’m feeling/the only way i can describe it atm 😓) my anxiety is through the roof. not cause i have to go back to work but because of my pms. i’ve been irritable, angry, firstly and annoying at the most random, stupidest and smallest things because of my damn pms. and i’m getting annoyed with myself for feeling/being like this.

i’m having cramps but haven’t actually started that time yet 🙃 those cramps are so annoying! and yet, at the same time because my logic and rationality wants to kick in when i’m feeling low, i still love myself so much, who i am/who i’ve become and know my worth and value. but still feel so low. and i’m feeling like i’m too much and not enough for anyone/everyone. my touch starvation is really bad right now 😭 (it usually gets bad when i’m pmsing)

i’m seriously craving physical touch and affection so bad 😭 and i feel like i’m never gonna be in a relationship and o would really really like to be in one 😭 i want a partner so bad because i have so much love to give someone and know i’m worth being loved and deserve to have so much love given to me! and honestly, i don’t want it just for the sake of being able to say i’m in a relationship/because i want a relationship with just anyone. i want a relationship with someone i really like and someone who really likes me back/feels the same way about me that i do them. like my reasons are more than just me being lonely and wanting someone/anyone. i want companionship but in a romantic way and in a genuine way.

but i feel like that never gonna happen for me. i feel like i’m too much for anyone/everyone and even though i know my worth, i really and genuinely love/like myself, who i am, who i’ve become and what i look like, i don’t think anyone will feel the same way about me 😣 but i just want kisses and cuddles and love and affection and attention and forehead kisses and someone to hold me and make me feel loved and i want to give all of the and so all of that with someone and make them feel loved, too 🥺 i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. i want someone to look at me the way dave looks at klaus. and i want to look at someone the way klaus looks at dave. i want to love someone the way klaus loves dave. and i want someone to love me the way dave loves klaus. i know we didn’t get much screen time or content of them but i think we all can guess that they genuinely and truly loved each other. but just the way they loves each other and how much/how deeply they cared about and for each other and loved each other, is what i want, too. i don’t want a “perfect” relationship. i want a real, imperfect and loving one.

but my head is all over the place and don’t feel like i’m worth being loved like that by someone because of my stupid pms. even though rationally and logically, i know that’s not true. i just feel so lonely and low 😣 and being home the past week because of self isolating (thank you covid 🙃) i feel even more alone 😭 i just- idek 😭 i want people and i want to be with someone and i want to be wanted and needed and i want someone to love me and to love them back just as much as they love me. i want to not be alone or so lonely anymore.

i know i’m not perfect (i mean i know i’m anything but/very and really far from perfect) but i would be a good partner 🥺 (hell, the person could call me their boyfriend, girlfriend, their themfriend or their partner or whatever cute name they wanted!) i just want to be someone’s and i want someone to be mine 🥺😭

and i want to move out and be on my own, and i want money so i can afford to live on my own, and i want to move to california or ireland or somewhere in england and i’m just tired of not only living at home but living in michigan! (i’m not saying everything would suddenly be perfect or i wouldn’t have any problems where ever i move to, because i know i will have problems/there will be a new and different set of issues. but i’m just so tired of these ones lol.)

i’m tired of being a uterus owner! i’m tired of it messing with my hormones, emotions my mental health/messing with me mentally, i’m tired of it messing with me physically. i’m just tired of so many things from it and just tired of so many things in general!

there’s honestly so many other things i wanna vent about, but i don’t want this to be any longer than it already is 😣 i know it’s not that all that interesting and i understand it gets annoying and boring after a while.

i’m sorry all of this/my thoughts were all over the place. like i said, i have a lot going on in my head right now. it’s all just a jumbled mess 😣🤦‍♀️😓

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #420

lol blaze it (i’m funny i swear)

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? Without a doubt, Bojangle's. Good. Shit. Are there hurricanes where you live? Yeah, they're common here. What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. What song are you listening to right now? "Beast of Gévaudan" by Powerwolf. What was your first concert? Alice Cooper. Also my only concert. What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? Alice In Wonderland. Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. Do you like pumpkin pie? Anything pumpkin-flavored is a hell no from me. Do you know anyone named Austin? Knew, rather. Do you know anyone who is having a baby? My friend recently announced she and her husband are having their second child in December. What was the last thing you cried about? Just PTSD. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I like both, but I prefer chocolate. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. How many deep dark secrets do you have? Two or so, idk. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of the hottest sauces. Wanted to die. ... Yet I continued to get that one whenever I went for years lmao. Who last called you sexy? I don't know. Would you class yourself as a good role model? In some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Are you scared of the dark? No. Do you have a motto? No. Who did you last see on webcam? The doctor that overlooks my TMS progress. Do you need a haircut? I need a trim for sure. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well, considering 1.) she's way past menopause and especially 2.) she's had a complete hysterectomy, y'know... that's kind of impossible. She also hasn't been with a guy in many years, so she would have to be joking. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? -___- Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? ALONE. You will NOT see me exercise in front of other people. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? The most involved is DEFINITELY World of Warcraft, and I guess you could consider it the hardest too, given some of the much more difficult things I've done in it. It itself isn't a hard game whatsoever, but you can pursue some really hard achievements. Ever watch the show Supernatural? If you have, then what’s your favorite episode? I used to love it, but just stopped watching eventually. My fave episode... Man, it's been too long to remember many. Probably one of the funnier ones. I remember I specifically liked the bit where they were in your everyday comedy show, as well as the one where I THINK Dean kept trying to prevent Sam from dying. I just remember the "Eye of the Tiger" bit that is pure gold. Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? Oh, no, but that sounds good. Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? Yeah, Pokemon. Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? Besides butter, which I think is pretty standard, no. When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? Uh, I dunno. It depends on the book. I don't really care about page numbers. Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? Yeah. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Girt, probably. Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? I don't think so? When is the last time you cried? I was sobbing earlier today, fun stuff. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? Most likely not. ESPECIALLY at my age. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Oh god. WoW, M:tG, big glasses, anime (does that count? idk really), video games... a lot of stuff, really. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? Y I K E S, no. That would be SO uncomf. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Actually raising it properly, physically and emotionally. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? No. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? It'd be cool to have someone you feel an almost supernatural connection towards, but I'd also feel like I wasn't as "original" as I would be if I was born alone. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I mean it wasn't awful at all, but sure, in some ways compared to at least someone. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? Well today I'm a wreck, so don't tell me. I want to know that I wasn't lied to for 25 years. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? I'm not entirely clear on this, but I'm 90% sure Dad cheated on Mom with his now-wife. Dad also accused Mom of cheating, but I HIGHLY doubt that's true. Do you like cleaning and organizing? Not really. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? Fuck having kids. I'd be a terrible mother. So to answer the other question, I'll be pretty, pretty sad if I can't get permission to spread Teddy's ashes at Yellowstone. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? Well, obviously not considering my dream job is a meerkat biologist, and I'm not moving to Africa. Have you ever been robbed? No. Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? Not anymore. Dad was, but he's recovered. Have you ever dumped anyone? Yes. What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Risk his fucking sanity and health to try to hold my fucked up self up. What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? Anything other? Bisexual. I've kinda been questioning pansexual of the late, though. I don't know. Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? Not to my memory. Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: Regret. Hopelessness. Loneliness. And the reasons for these feelings? Take a wild fuckin' guess. How do you feel about your life right now? It's an actual dumpster fire. Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? Fuck no. Because there's just not very much TO like about me. Even on my good days, I see flaw after flaw in myself. What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. What subjects do not? Math, economics, politics, history... Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? Definitely fiction. When I read a book, I want an escape from the real world. How has today been for you? BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did you do? Went to TMS therapy. Sat on the Internet. Cried. :^) Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? No. Are there any lava lamps near you? No. I want one, though. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Are any of your friends a pothead? Yes. What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? Start losing weight again. That'd be pretty goddamn grand. Are you a high maintenance person? Definitely not. The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? I was having a nightmare. Have you ever been heartbroken? For sure. Who did that to you? First Dad, then Jason. Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? Boy, did I. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: A pb&j. The last time you spent most of the day in bed: Literally every day. I do just about everything in bed. Pathetic, I know. The last friend or acquaintance you made: Ummmm idk. The last thing you took pictures of: A hydrangea bush. The last time you were scared: Now. The future is terrifying, my friend. The last thing you looked up online: The definition of a word to ensure I was using it correctly. The last thing you disagreed with: So I've been watching John Wolfe's old stream of him playing Alice: Madness Returns, and he went on a total soapbox about smoking being okay essentially because we're all gonna die eventually from something, and I really disagreed with it. Does your house have a separate laundry room? No, just like a closet. Do your parents still help you financially? I'm still entirely dependent on them. Does your car have a backup camera? No. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? REALLY old, no. Teddy was definitely up there, but beagles have lived longer. What was the last strong scent you smelled? Lysol. Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? Christ, no. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? Don't think so? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever broken into someone’s house? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I dunno. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? No. How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? Funny you ask, because as of today I decided to take a break from it for awhile. I've found it's nothing more than a breeding ground for envy and making me feel like a horribly incompetent adult. Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? I had one photography teacher in college that I was NOT a fan of. He was super, super hard on everyone, like to an unnecessary degree. We were students, not pros. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Are your parents supportive of you? Somehow.

[keeyo7]

You guys are cool and I feel like I can kinda vent on here because you guys are cool and I’m pretty sure my family won’t see this. So May is a tough month for me. It’s my birthday month, but it’s also the month when my grandpa died. My grandpa and I were really close. I’m named after him, I lived with him pretty much all of my life from when I was three until he passed, he’s the one that got me into comic books, and I would spend a lot of time with him especially after high school when I had the free time to hang out while my brothers were at school and my parents were at work. He’s the reason keeyo is my username on like everything! After my grandma died when I was 3 my family moved in to take care of him and when we moved before my 4th brother was born he ended up moving into the house next door so I got to live with him right next door to my family from 6th grade to senior year in high school when we finally moved into a bigger house where we could all fit but that period of time was great cause during our down time it was just me and my grandpa. When we went on family trips more often than not I would stay with my grandpa when my family would go out if town for the most part I would stay with my grandpa. We were really close.

Now I’m fortunate enough that I hadn’t really experienced a “big” family death at that point but as my grandpa got older we were kind of starting to talk about it more as a possibility as a family. Then in 2015 things took a turn for the worst. I’m glad I had this moment but in April of that year my family had gone to a party and I had stayed to hang out with my grandpa. He called me into his room and we had this big talk about his time coming and how he was ready. I came out of it worried but still in a place where I thought it was still a time away. May comes and my birthday passes and then my grandpa goes in for a routine checkup where he almost died because he was bleeding internally. He was lucky to have been at the hospital and while we were celebrating the fact that he made it through that the doctors had run some more tests. Now as I’ve stated I thought everything was pretty fine and it was Memorial Day weekend so my girlfriend and I watch movies and we drive to Krispy Kreme to get donuts at like 3 in the morning. We sleep in cause we were up all night and I get a call from my mom at noon that we have to get to the hospital immediately. I’m kind of freaking out because of how she sounded but again I’m a state of everything’s probably going to be fine. We drive to the hospital and we get up to my grandpas room where my brothers and parents already are. They’re talking to my grandpa when we walk in and my parents take me out into the hallways. They close the door and that’s when they tell me my grandpa is full of cancer and he has decided to stop his dialysis so he could go out on his own terms. I immediately start crying but I walk down the hall away from his room because I don’t want my brothers to see me because I got the news first. I’m crying by the vending machine and I tell my girlfriend about it. I calm down enough to go back to the room where everyone is sad and crying except for my grandpa who’s happy he’s going to get to go home and eat wherever he wants and that he doesn’t have to do dialysis anymore. I volunteer my girlfriend and myself to take my youngest brother home with us while my family checks my grandpa out of the hospital. Idk what to do at this point, I woke up at noon after staying up all night just to find out my grandpa is going to die. What am I supposed to do? I decided we need things, I tell my girlfriend we need to go to the grocery store. Also at this point I didn’t have a job and I kind of don’t have any money. Since it had been my birthday recently I had some birthday money but that’s it. So what I do is I spend all of that birthday money on food and drinks and snacks that I feel like my family will want because I don’t know what to do. We buy a much of groceries I’m crying my girlfriends trying to be there for me but she doesn’t know what to do either my little brother doesn’t know what’s going on cause he’s three and the cashier is just like “ alright that’ll be a bunch of money” we get home and my family isn’t there yet. I bring in all the groceries and once I’m done I just sit in my grandpas lazy boy and don’t move until my family gets home. My girlfriend makes food cause I’m useless and my little brother probably watched tv.

My family gets home and that’s when the real prep starts. My grandpa has a lot of family and friends we assume will come see him because you know. One of my bothers has a broken leg and couldn’t walk up the stairs so we had moved his bed downstairs so he could sleep in the living room but we couldn’t have that because people were coming over and for some reason my family did not have a couch at the time so my brothers and I had to get my brothers bed or of the living room and my parents had to find a couch in the quick. Also my grandpa wasn’t out of the hospital yet for reasons and my aunt was going to be bringing him over so we had to get things presentable for them. My mom has two full siblings and Idk how many half siblings (those are stories for another day) and them and their families are going to stay with us while my grandpa is going through his last however long he has. This brings us into stuff idk know enough about and also shouldn’t talk about but it was a rough week. My girlfriend had the weekend off cause it was Memorial Day but had to get back to where she lived and go back to work so that Tuesday she left knowing she’d probably never see my grandpa alive again. What I regret about that period of time was I didn’t spend enough time with my grandpa. I know it’s never enough but that week in particular I took a step back and let my cousins and sibling spend more time with him because I felt like they didn’t have as much time with him as I had so they need it more. There were some tensions having my aunts uncles and cousin there and everyone was highly emotional because of the situation. Wednesday my dad and I walked to the corner store to buy mr. good bars for everyone cause they’re my grandpas favorite and sometime in the evening he went to sleep for the last time. That Thursday we knew the time was near so we all had our private moments with him and spent all day standing in and outside his room just waiting. It didn’t happen until around 5:30. We all let our emotions out, I had to escort one of my brothers from the room and get some fresh air. I texted my girlfriend and she came down as fast as she could and my family waited for the funeral home to come collect him.

Theres a lot before, during, and after that time I have a lot of feelings about. I was kind of abandoned emotionally by someone close to me that I’ve forgiven but still hurts, family stuff that still stands to this day, and just I don’t really like my birthday month anymore. When my birthday comes around it’s three weeks to the day before the anniversary of my grandpas death. I’m feeling it cause it’s coming up and overall it’s kind of fucked me up these past four years and I’m trying to make myself deal with it better but it’s hard you know? I’m barley starting to move forward and I let myself wallow and stagnant too much because of this. Today was kind of hard I’m not sure why, maybe it was the weather, maybe it was my brother writing a song dedicated to my grandpa, maybe it’s just because it’s the end of May and the day is coming up but today was really hard. If you read all of this thank you and I’m sorry it’s so long, I needed to write this out cause I haven’t talked about it much since it happened and I haven’t really dealt with it in a healthy way so I thought this would help me.

[kivaember]

Prompt #21: Repast

“You’re scrawnier than I thought.”

“Elezen are naturally lean,” Aymeric replied amicably, trying not to be put off by the intense, near-predatory stare boring into him, “We do not pile on muscle easily like you Xaela.”

“Hmm,” said his companion.

His companion being, specifically, Aza’s mother. She was tall for a Xaela woman, built like a destrier Chocobo with a brusque temperament to match, and possessing long, grey-streaked hair scraped back into a loose ponytail. She looked young for her supposed sixty years, even with the harsh lines pulling at the corners of her mouth and crinkling the corners of her eyes, and her body still looked strong and sturdy beneath her sturdy hunting tunics.

Strong enough to snap him over her knee like a twig, if Aza’s whispered warnings before they stepped into the yurt were anything to go by. He wasn’t keen to test if that had been an exaggeration or not – not only out of fear of discovering that prodigious strength was true, but because getting into a physical fight with his partner’s mother probably wasn’t the correct way to go about this.

“Aym’s pretty built beneath that armour,” Aza piped up at his side, “He’s Lord Commander of Ishgard’s military force, so he has to be strong for it.”

Aza’s mother, Atani, hummed again, her gaze taking on a shrewd edge to it, “Lord Commander…” she repeated, her voice thick with the accent of the Steppe. She knew Eorzean Common surprisingly well, despite Aza confessing it wasn’t her second or even third language, “Is that like a khagan?”

Aymeric glanced at Aza questioningly.

“Uh, yeah. Kinda,” Aza scratched his cheek in a clearly nervous gesture, “He’s the strongest warrior, leads the Ishgardian warriors into battle. Smart too, and, umm...”

Truthfully, Aymeric would place Estinien and several others above himself in terms of martial strength and intelligence, but he said nothing as Atani, once more, hummed and let the matter drop entirely – just in time for their last companion, Aza’s father, Aruci, to sweep next to their table and set down a large, steaming pot in the middle: the family hotpot Aza promised him when inviting him to the meal.  

“Atani, stop intimidating the poor boy,” Aruci chided gently, easing himself down on the floor with creaking knees, “He’s here as our guest.”

“If he finds this intimidating, then he’s too soft, isn’t he?” Atani said idly, then shot Aymeric’s way almost lazily, “Are you intimidated?”

“Not particularly,” Aymeric said truthfully. Compared to Nidhogg, or even Hraesvelgr, Atani’s intimidation was tolerable and like water off a mudpuppy’s back. There was only so much your glares could do when lacking the terrifying jaws of a furious, hungry dragon to go with it, “Mildly threatened, perhaps, but not intimidated.”

“Hah!” Atani leaned back, slapping a hand on her thigh, “Oh, I like this one,” she said to Aza, pointing rudely at Aymeric, “He’s bold.”

“Don’t I know it,” Aza grumbled, but he was looking pleased and incredibly relieved. No doubt he was happy this whole meeting was going so well – and that no one had been stabbed yet, an alarming possibility that was allegedly common with Xaela tribes in these situations according to Aza. It was why his partner had been so insistent he wore light armour for the meal, even if the noble upbringing in Aymeric squirmed at the perceived insult of it.

“You know, Aza speaks very warmly of you,” Aruci said in a surprisingly gentle, placid tone as he began spooning out the hotpot into everyone’s respective bowls. His hands were rough, calloused and gnarled, but still steady and strong. Aza mentioned he was a renowned crafter, and it showed, “Every time he comes home, he’s always eager to share affectionate tales about you.”

“And Bluebird the risqué ones,” Atani added teasingly, her mouth curving into a very Bluebird-esque smile when Aza turned an adorable shade of red, “Oh, come now, my little Coeurl, don’t be shy! It’s good to have a partner that satisfies you both emotionally and-”

“Okay!” Aza said a little too loudly, waving his hands frantically, “Can we please not talk about my sex life at the dinner table?”  

“I guess it is a poor subject to start off with,” Atani admitted grudgingly, her focus sliding back to Aym with her smile shifting back into too-predatory, “Instead, why not tell us how you two came together? Aza has been so secretive about it…”

At that, Aymeric and Aza shared a brief look. Their ‘coming together’ had been due to copious amounts of alcohol, Aza puking on his boots after publicly confessing his love on top of a table at a dinner party, followed by a very awkward conversation during the unpleasant throes of being hungover. There had been nothing romantic about it – it had been raw, emotionally exhausting, yet… good, in an odd way.

Of course, Aza avoided him for three weeks afterwards before Aymeric could pin him down and get a straight answer out of him regarding what they were but, well, that hungover, emotional talk had been the real start to their… relationship. Sort of.  

There was no pretty or gentle way to explain this, though. It had been a mess from start to finish.

“Um, well…” Aza cleared his throat, his left ear flicking nervously, “Bluebird didn’t tell you?”

“Your sister has a big mouth on many things,” Atani said bluntly, “But even she can be discreet about others. She hasn’t told us.”

“Oh,” Aza looked as surprised as Aymeric felt, “Well, uhhh, so… we got together after a… party…”

Aymeric had to hide a helpless smile behind his hand. Aza was such a terrible liar, and his partner stuttered and awkwardly talked around the unsavoury parts of the story under his mother’s far too knowing gaze.

“…and then we decided to give it a shot,” Aza finished his highly abridged and redacted tale, “And here we are, two years later.”

“Two years later,” Atani echoed, sharing a look with her husband, “Well, you really do seem happy.”

“I am,” Aza said firmly, sitting up straighter and looking his mother straight in the eyes, “I’m very happy with Aym. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Well. Well. Aymeric was suddenly very glad he had a bowl of hotpot to distract himself with at that bold declaration. His heart felt like it was doing something very squishy and potentially medically fatal, unable to stop the no doubt stupid, lovesick smile curling his mouth. There was something so good to hear that, if only because Aza had been so sad and lonely at the beginning, almost lost and hesitant to get attached and love. To hear him boldly declare his happiness now was…

“I can see that…” Atani murmured very softly, and something complicated flickered across her expression.

Aruci settled a hand over Atani’s, giving it a squeeze, “We’re happy for you, Aza. You’ve come a long way since we first took you in. We’re both proud of you.”

Atani gave herself a bit of a shake, motherly warmth filling her expression and chasing away the shadows that had lurked there, “So very proud. I always knew you had the better taste in men than your sister-”

“Mom,” Aza protested, his face was bright red at this point and his eyes suspiciously teary.

“-I mean, he’s leagues better than that Felyx,” Atani finished with a roll of her eyes, “Do you know Felyx, Aymeric?”

Aymeric knew Felyx very well. Bluebird had delighted in telling him that Aza’s fellow adventurer used to be a ‘fuck buddy’ when his relationship with his partner had been new and tentative. Looking back, he suspected Bluebird had been testing him, gauging his jealousy – Aymeric didn’t care. Aza wasn’t the disloyal sort, and whatever was between him and Felyx was no longer sexual. He had simply filed that fact away as an interesting piece of trivia and never thought about it in depth again.  

“We’ve met,” he said simply, “He gets around, from what I hear.”

“He’s not that bad,” Aza grumbled, “Just because he’s open about being poly-”

“Your sister wanted to marry him,” Atani said flatly, and Aza choked on the rest of his words.

“W-W-W-Wh-” Aza coughed and drew in a deep breath… if only to shriek; “What!?”

“Huh,” Aymeric said, trying to see it and failing. Bluebird, wanting to marry someone? It boggled the mind.

“Hah! I see Bluebird didn’t tell you that story!” Atani chortled, slapping her thigh, “Aruci, love, tell Aza about that disaster.”

“Oh, come now, let’s not embarrass her. She’s not even here to defend herself-”

“You have to tell me!” Aza breathed, looking torn between morbid fascination and utter delight, “Please, Dad!”

Aruci sighed, and groaned when Atani playfully ribbed him, but he gave in with a, “Well, three years back…”

“Three years!? That recent!?”

“Let him finish,” Atani scolded.

Aymeric leaned back slightly, relieved that focus had shifted from him to this humiliating tale of Bluebird’s ill-advised marriage proposal. The hotpot was good, he found, his gaze drawn to Aza as his partner drank in the embarrassing story about his sister, admiring how openly happy and relaxed and carefree he was. He looked younger, happier, basking in the presence of his family, adopted or not…

He felt an odd twinge, then – not quite longing but… a realisation that he was missing something he never truly had. Lord Borel had been a good guardian, but he had never been a father. Kind and affectionate, yes, but his love was not unconditional, and there was always an edge of political posturing when it came to Aymeric. He had long made peace with the fact that he had been a chess piece on the board that was Ishgardian politics, and that he never really knew what a proper family was.

But this… hmm. It probably felt a little like this.

Yes, a little.

Content with that, Aymeric settled in, finding contentment in being accepted into the small circle that was Aza’s family, if only for today.

[benjikarofsky]

Sick and Tired || Para

WHO: Benji Karofsky (@benjikarofsky) and Franco Del Rio (@southsidefranco); Mentions Benji’s family [brother Dave, dad Paul, and unnamed mother]

WHERE: Franco’s trailer

WHEN: 11th April 2019 (Backdated)

NOTES: Ever attempting to be a good boyfriend, Benji comes to take care of Franco while he’s sick, leading to some fluff, so deep discussion, and a heart-to-heart

TRIGGERS: Abandonment and divorce. Very vague mentions of: self-harm, drug use, ‘gay bashing’, and homophobic microaggressions

BOLD: Benji

ITALIC: Franco

WORD COUNT: 5818

Franco did not feel great. His throat was sore, his eyes were red and stinging and he felt like death. He had gotten up only to unlock the door for Benji when he would arrive and then crawled back under the covers, his body soaked with sweat, his hair wet for the same reason. He wasn't sure what was wrong but he assumed it was flu or an infection and the drugs had lowered his immune system meaning he'd gotten hit hard. He'd made sure he gotten a hit only an hour or so ago and if he was tired, which he had been all day, he's just blame the illness. Knowing Benji was coming, he'd managed to through a zipped jacket on before getting back under the covers.

"Franc?" Benji called, walking through the front door of Franco's trailer, recyclable bags full of groceries and other supplies to help with Franco's cold in his hands. He made way to the kitchen area and set the grocery bags on the counter before walking into Franco's room. "Oh... Babe..." he cooed, walking up to the bed and gently cupping the side of Franco's face. "You're burning up, Babe... Did you take your temperature?"

Franco coughed as he sat himself up a little, his body shaking but his skin damp, "Hey babe" he said, his voice weak from the pain in his throat, "No, I don't think Dare has a thermometer here or anything so I kinda just went for calling myself sick" he said with half a laugh, "I probably stink, I haven't left the bed at all today, not even too smoke".

Benji placed his hand against Franco's forehead for a second, then gave him a soft kiss. "You've definitely got a fever, Babe," he confirmed after he pulled back, "But that's okay. I'll take care of you. ...Have you taken any medicine yet?"

Franco tried to nuzzle into Benji's hand but it was gone before he got a chance, "Yeah I feel cold but I know I'm really hot and it's a really funny feeling" he mumbled. He smiled at Benj and nodded, "No, I didn't know what I could take and I don't really do medication or drugs..."

"That's okay," Benji responded, smiling at Franco; Benji found something oddly tame and cute about Franco being sick. "Give me a sec." He left the bedroom and grabbed a bag from the kitchen area before coming back into the room. "Paul used to get sick all the time, so you have to trust me on this, okay?" He jutted a thermos out to Franco to take, a small pill capsule balanced on top of the lid. 

"The thermos is Theraflu mixed with regular tea and honey. It'll help with your throat. The pill is DayQuil. Take that too, okay?"

Franco looked at the pill and shook his head, "Nope... Nu-uh... No pills" he said moving it too the dresser, "I don't do pills" he explained, "I'll drink the crap in the flask but no pills Benj, I just can't". His eyes felt heavy but sleep kept evading him, "It's so fucking hot" he breathed.

"Okay," Benji conceded, "No pills. Understood." When Franco mentioned he was hot, Benji tugged at his boyfriend's blankets, trying to cool him down a bit. "Oh, Babe... You're wearing a jacket. You have to take that off. You're gonna overheat," he explained, starting to unzip it.

Franco knew he should fight a Benji taking his jacket off but he didn’t have the energy for it and he was burning up in it, “The blankets gotta be pulled up” he breathed, “I’m naked under my jacket” he said with a half giggle.

"You're naked, huh?" Benji teased, unzipping the jacket the rest of the way. He placed his hand on Franco's chest and playfully winked, but then helped Franco slide the jacket the rest of the way off and pulled the blanket back up. "Since you're sick, I'll behave, but know I don't want to," he teased. "Do you want company? Or do you want penicillin?"

Franco smiled a goofy smile and held out his hands for Benji to hold, "If I didn't feel so rough, I'd be letting you touch but I'm sticky and sweaty and ugh" he said. He thought about the question, "I wanna be a spoon... But a little spoon"

Benji nodded, climbing onto the bed. "Little spoon? I can do that." He wiggled his way under the covers and wrapped his arms around Franco, bringing his head to Franco's shoulder and cuddling him close. "You're not sweaty. It's your natural pheromones. Mmm," Benji hummed, breathing in his boyfriend's scent, "And I like them."

Franco intertwined his fingers with Benji's as be curled his body a little bit, "My whole body aches" he complained, "And my head feels like it's gunna split in two".

Benji nodded, "I know, Babe. I'm sorry..." he cooed, hugging Franco a little tighter. "But you didn't want pills, so I'm not sure how to help other than just holding you until it passes." He admitted, kissing his neck.

Franco nodded, "Can't do pills. Not after what happened". He rolled so he was facing Benji and gently nudged him onto his back, resting his head on Benji's chest, "I ache" he repeated, his voice heavy from tiredness, "Can I sleep"

"Of course, Babe," he wrapped his arm around Franco and cuddled him close, letting his hand mindlessly move up and down his boyfriend's torso. "I'll be here when you wake up, okay?" he whispered.

Franco found he fell asleep easily in Benji's arms and he stayed asleep for a few hours as his body worked on repairing him but, when he woke up, still in Benji's arms, his body seemed to be sweating more and his head was still pounding. He woke up with a loud cough, "Babe" he said, his body still half asleep, "Babe"

"Shhh. Still here," Benji cooed, running his arm down Franco's torso. He turned his head slightly to look down at Franco on his chest. "Feeling any better?" he asked, running his finger through Franco's hair. "There's an ice pack on the side table. I tried to put it on you while you were sleeping, but it kept falling off. There's also a bowl of penicillin there if you wanna take a few sips. Just made it."

Franco smiled into Benji's chest but shook his head, "My head really hurts still". He looked over at the ice pack, "It's too cold" he breathed, pulling the duvet up around his sweating body. He didn't look at the penicillin though but rolled onto his back, groaning as he did, "When did it get cold?"

"Baby, if the ice pack's too cold to use, then you have to at least take off the blankets. You're gonna overheat if you do nothing," Benji responded, cuddling back up to Franc. "Do you wanna take the blankets off?"

Franco shook his head but in the same action, rolled the blanket of his body, his torso shimmering with sweat as he moved himself into a sitting position, his back leaning against the wall behind him. He brought his hands into his lap, "You come to look after me?"

"Of course, I did, Babe." Benji sat up as well and cupped Franco's cheek to pull him to a kiss. As he pulled back, he leaned over Franco to grab the thermos of tea, but stopped short when he saw Franco's arms. "Oh, Franc..." Benji whispered, his voice cautious, but still full of concern. "I care about you so much. Please tell me you're not hurting yourself..." he murmured, his finger tracing next to one of the scars on Franco's arm.

Franco kissed him and then followed his eyes as they found his arm and Benji started tracing the marks. He gulped and shook his head, "No" he breathed, "They are scars from the kidnapping" he spoke gently, his sickness making him let his walls down a little more then normal, "They are called track marks or scars and it's from the amount of drugs they put in my system".

Benji couldn't help but frown as Franco explained what happened. "I still can't completely process that that happened to you... I'm so glad you're okay," he responded, still tracing his finger around the tracks. "I'll see if there's any remedies for scar marks in the pile of stuff my mom left when I get home, okay? It sounds like something she would've had..." 

Slowly, Benji leaned down and kissed the scars on Franco's arm, then placed a trail of kisses up his arm until he reached Franco's lips. "Just remember: they're healing. Just like you," he added, before pulling Franco into a deep kiss.

Franco shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, I never thought something like that would happen too me and I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Darius coming in and saving me with Charlie's help". He watched as Benji continued to trace the marks, guilt flooding his brain as he knew he was doing this to himself now and then as he kissed the marks he smiled a small sad smile. 

He kissed Benji back but pulled back to have a coughing fit, "Sorry, so romantic when I'm sick" he breathed, regaining his breathing after it, "I don't wanna lose them, they kind of tell my story for me and people generally don't ask" he added, referring back to what was said before the kiss.

Benji shrugged, his hand still cupping Franco's face. "I don't always need romantic. I just need you." He finally let his hand drop and reached over to grab the thermos. "You're healing emotionally and physically with or without the scars. If you wanna keep the scars, that's your choice to make," he explained matter-of-factly. "You've been asleep for hours. You have to drink some of this tea or you're gonna dehydrate."

Franco nodded, "I need you too babe" he agreed, his hand reaching for Benji's spare hand, "I mean, physically I'm pretty much there but mentally, I don't know. It doesn't seem to get better", another lie. It had gotten better but only because he was drugges most of the time. He nodded and used his empty hand to take the flask, drinking a small amount, "Can't I just have some water" he moaned as he continued to drink the tea.

Benji couldn't help but giggle softly. "So whiny," he teased, rubbing Franco's side as he drank. "Water doesn't rehydrate you fast enough. You need other liquids first. Then you can have all the water you want," he explained. "Do you want gatorade? I bought some."

"I don't like being sick. I never get sick" he complained again, "I know but I like water sometimes". He heard the word Gatorade and his eyes widened, "Yes, I want the Gatorade" he said, practically jumping forward, "Please"

"Understood!" Benji replied, unable to hold back laughter--Franco's reaction had caught him off-guard. He hopped out of the bed and grabbed two Gatorades from where he had stashed them in the fridge. "Red or blue?" he offered, holding up both. "I'll put the other one on your head to hopefully cool you down a bit."

Franco smiled at the bottles, “I want both” he said, almost childlike, “And I can get up and stand outside to cool down” he suggested, even though he had no energy to get up, “Then I can smoke a cigarette”.

Benji smiled, then playfully rolled his eyes, "Okay, Francie... Well which one do you want first?" At the mention of getting up, Benji shook his head and climbed back onto the bed so he was sitting on the blanket, but in between Franco's legs . "Nope. No getting up until you've had more liquids. I don't want you passing out. And definitely no cigarettes... I don't mind you smoking usually, but not before you feel a little better. You're coughing enough as-is."

Franco smiled, "Francie... I like that but I want the blue gatorade first". He watched Benji sit between his legs and his lips dropped into a sulky pout, "But I want a smoke" he breathed, "I haven't had one all day and I thought you cared" he pouted more.

Benji rolled his eyes, then kissed Franco's pouted lip. "I'm not letting you have a smoke because I care. Smoking is bad for you all the time, but especially when you’re sick. I have to put my foot down somewhere." He gently leaned his forehead against Franco's and smiled. "And don't think that cute little pout is just gonna make me melt into a puddle and do anything you want, either," he teased, giving Franco a pout of his own.

Franco nodded, "I guess you are right and one day, I'll quit smoking and I'll be really healthy but today is not that day" he smiled against Benji's lips and sighed, "My face really should be what makes you melt and do everything I ask... Including food? I need food?"

Benji pursed his lips at Franco, giving a cutesy smooch sound. "You have to have some penicillin first. Then, if you stomach it well, I'll make you something more hearty. Whatever you want."

Franco nodded and reached over for the Penicillin but he honestly felt so weak, he nearly dropped the container, "Babe, I'm not feeling up for it" he admitted, "Maybe I won't be having something hearty after all"

Benji frowned but nodded, scooting back a little so he could grab the package of crackers next to the bowl of soup. "Wanna at least try a saltine?" he offered, putting the square up to his boyfriend's lips. "You have to get something in that stomach of yours, Babe. You're exhausted enough."

Franco leant his head forward and took the square, chewing it slowly and savouring real food, "It's good" he breathed but as soon as he followed, be started coughing again, one hand grabbing at Benji from the pain it was causing and one hand reaching for his Gatorade.

Benji grabbed the Gatorade and placed it in Franco's reaching hand, rubbing his boyfriend's back with his hand to try to help soothe his coughs. "They're probably a little too dry for you right now," he explained, still rubbing Franco's back. "I want you to eat more though. We just need to make sure you have gatorade to chase it." He kissed Franco's ear, then pulled back. "I bought a bunch and it's in the fridge, so don't worry. Drink as much as you want."

Franco managed to control the coughing with the help of Benji and the Gatorade and slumped back  against the wall, "I'm sorry" he breathed, "I never get sick and never rely on any one but look at me". He leant his head against Benji's shoulder, "I'm so hungry".

"Shhh," Benji cooed. "It's okay to rely on me, Francie. I'm your boyfriend. That's literally what I'm here for." He slowly picked up another cracker and put it to Franco's lips, the bottle of gatorade already uncapped and ready in Benji's other hand. "Chew," he whispered.

Franco nodded, "Boyfriend" he whispered, the word still so new too him, "It'll take some getting used too" he admitted. He took the cracker and ate it slowly, chasing it straight with the Gatorade, "I'm still sleepy".

"Boyfriend," Benji repeated softly with a smile, hugging Franco close. "A couple more crackers, then I'll let you sleep more, okay?" he offered, putting another cracker up to his lips.

Franco rested his head on Benji and nodded, "More crackers? But they make me cough" he whined. He sighed, "I don't think I should sleep more. I won't sleep tonight otherwise".

Benji smiled down at Franco. He couldn't stop himself from seeing the cuteness in all his child-like complaints. "You have to eat something, my Motek," he explained, putting the cracker to his lip again. "Just keep drinking gatorade in between. It'll help. ...Wanna watch a movie on my laptop?" he offered.

Franco pouted again but took the cracker and ate, chasing it straight down with the Gatorade. He sighed and as he did, started to cough again, the Gatorade nearly slipping from his hand, "I think I'm sick" he breathed, his breathing ragged, "Like really sick".

“Yes, Babe. You’re sick,” Benji confirmed, rubbing his back through the cough. “That’s why I’m taking care of you!” He took the Gatorade out of Franco’s hand and placed it back onto the night stand. “How about we watch a movie or something on my laptop and just lay down, huh? The more you can relax, the better.”

Franco sighed and looked at Benji with puppy dog eyes, "Please can I have a smoke?" He asked, "I've not had one all day and I really need one babe*.

Benji had to avoid Franco's eyes to keep himself from falling for his boyfriend's plea. As much as he tried to be immune to it, there was something about Franco's pitiful, sick little face that made him melt. "No, Franc," Benji eventually replied. "It's bad for you. You should be happy I even let you smoke when you're not sick."

Franco pouted and dropped his fist in a tantrum like manner and let out a groan, "Babe, I'm craving it right now and if it were my place I'd smoke right here, please" he practically begged.

Benji frowned, "Franc, you can barely eat a saltine without coughing your lungs out. And you're too tired to pick up a bowl of soup." He kissed Franco softly, trying to calm him back down. "I know it's frustrating, but this is for the best, okay? No smoking right now."

Franco huffed, he'd never been denied a cigarette before, "Fine but if I ger grumpy, you have yourself to blame" he said, his tone showing he was not happy, "I'm bored" he whined

Benji simply nodded, not trying to make Franco any more upset than he already was. "How about a movie or TV Show? We can watch it on my laptop and cuddle?" he offered.

Franco side eyed Benji and huffed once more before taking a sip of his drink and looking at the soup, "If I eat some of that can I have one?" He asked, "And if you say yes, can you help me eat some of that? And then we can watch the movie?"

Benji sighed dramatically. "If you have this bowl of soup, I'll let you have a smoke," he conceded. Normally, he'd be content with Franco being a little upset with him, but he knew he needed to get his boyfriend to drink the soup if in order to get better and he wasn't going to be able to get there until Franco got what he wanted. He leaned over to get the bowl and placed it on Franco's lap. "Deal?"

Franco grinned for the first time all day and nodded, "But you have got to help" he said looking down at the soup and then up to Benji, "How'd I get so lucky?" he asked out of the blue, using a spare hand to find Benji's, "I don't really deserve someone like you".

Benji playfully rolled his eyes, but still kept Franco's hand in his. "You're just saying that because I'm finally gonna let you smoke. Stop it," he replied, pouting slightly. He brought the bowl to face-level, then spooned a bit of the soup. "Here comes the train," he teased, putting the spoon up to Franco's lips.

Franco shook his head, "I said help me with the soup, not treat me like I am a child" he laughed. He took the soup of the spoon and swallowed slowly, not wanting to cough it all back up again, "And I said it cause I meant it Benj".

Benji smiled, leaning forward to give Franco a soft peck. "Stop it with the 'deserving' stuff. You deserve everything good that happens to you in life. If you feel like one of those things is me, then that's wonderful too. But know you deserve it." He offered Franco the spoon, still holding up the bowl so it was easier for Franco to eat out of.

Franco shook his head, "Oh if only you were right this time around" he breathed, "I just haven't ever been perfect and then theres you who is pretty much the closest I'll get to perfection". He took someone more soup and savoured the taste, "So good" he moaned

"It's penicillin!" Benji replied, unable to hold back a giggle. "Of course it's good. We've been perfecting this since the Dark Ages. And that's not an exaggeration." He purposely ignored Franco's claims that he didn't deserve him, replying instead with a simple, "Finish your penicillin so we can watch a movie."

Franco shrugged his shoulders, "They never gave me pain meds in the form of soup before" he smiled, "And other then Dare, no one tried to spoonfed me them either. It's why I was in the hospital for so long, I refused the medication". He continued to eat the soup but after about 7 spoons, he shook his head, "I feel really full" he admitted.

Benji nodded and leaned over to set the bowl back down on the table. "Does your throat feel any better? Everything not gonna magically get better with a few sips, but I wouldn't be surprised if your throat was at least a little less dry now," he explained, cupping the side of Franco's face in his hand as he stared at him lovingly.

Franco smiled and nodded, "Yeah it's not as dry but I feel a little sick now" he admitted, "Nothing to do with taste, I've been feeling nauseous all day" he breathed, leaning into Benji's hand.

"I know, Motek," Benji cooed, running his hand down Franco's face. "There's a trash can next to the bed if you need it. I'm hopeful the nausea will pass though. The penicillin won't do much good if it's not in your stomach. ...Do you wanna try laying down?"

Franco looked down at the floor next to the bed, "Please Benji, I have far too much dignity to throw up in front of you". He looked at the night stand and sat up, flinging his legs over the side of the bed and grabbing his cigarettes. As he stood though, he fell backwards, landing back down on the bed, "Help me" he practically begged

Benji stared at him for a second, his arms crossed. "Franc... this is why I didn't want you to try to go smoke. You're not well enough yet. If you can barely eat soup and you can barely stand up, do you really think I should help you go smoke," Benji reprimanded, moving Franco to a more comfortable position on the bed instead of helping him get up like he requested. "...Can we at least raincheck the smoke break until the movie and you've rested a little more?"

Franco sighed but felt emotions in him rising and frustration building, "Please" he begged, his eyes glistening with tears, "I need to have a cigarette babe, please" he hates begging but his cravings were strong.

Benji stayed with his arms crossed for a moment before sighing dramatically and finally conceding. "...Don't ever say I don't care about you," he grumbled, putting Franco's arm around his neck so he could pick him up and walk him outside of the trailer. He gently placed Franco down on the second step outside the front door then leaned against the doorframe, his arms back to being crossed. "I'm giving you 5 minutes, Franc."

Franco sighed a breath of relief and held onto Benji until he was sat down on the step. He instantly pulled his cigarettes out and lit one whilst he shivered on the step. His body was still really warm so the cold air would cool him down but his body shivered in the wind, "Judge all you want, we all have a vice".

"Uh huh... And what's mine?" Benji questioned, looking down at Franco with his arms still crossed.

Franco shrugged his shoulders and smiled, "Me?" He asked playfully, looking up at Benji, his arms wrapped around himself as he continued to smoke

Benji scoffed, then looked at Franco to tell him he was wrong, but after a second of thought, he realized he had a point. "...Fine," he replied, his arms still crossed.

Franco raised an eyebrow, "Really?" He asked, "I'm a vice? I can take that" he grinned. He finished his cigarette and tried to push himself up, "So, am I the bad thing that's really good for you?" He added before admitting defeat.

Benji rolled his eyes and scooped Franco up, purposely choosing not to respond to his boyfriend's comment. He carefully carried Franco back into the trailer and set him back down on the bed before climbing onto the bed and laying next to him. "Okay. Which movie do you wanna watch, Francie?"

Franco pouted, "Don't avoid my question" he breathed out, "I wanna know your answer. You like me to answer questions right?". He thought about then movie and then what he just said, "Why don't we get to know each other, like actually open up a little".

Benji sighed, cuddling close to him. “You know how to push every button I have in order to get what you want. That makes you a vice, Babe,” he admitted. At Franco’s suggestion, he nodded, “Sure. How should we do this?”

Franco smiled and nodded, "I don't try you know. I just, I'm pretty much an ass". He looked up at Benji and shrugged his shoulders, "You ask me a question and no matter how hard the answer, I tell you it. Then I ask you one".

Benji nodded, then thought for a moment before coming up with a good first question. "...When did you know you wanted to date me? Like, what was the distinguishing thing?"

Franco sighed, "Probably when you said you wanted to go for coffee with that guy. I thought we'd had a good time and then I was a little crushed. It was then I knew I had feelings for you that weren't purely sexual". He thought and then asked, "What made you actually want to go on that first proper date?".

"A lot of things," Benji admitted, "I was trying to get over Topher, obviously. But I also felt bad that I was just using you for sex and wanted to do something new with you. But I also felt, like..." he paused for a moment, unable to formulate his thoughts, "something. I don't really know how to explain it... Like, that there was more about you behind the walls. Parts of you that I would like. ...that's why I decided on a date. And why I wanted a real one. I think I subconsciously knew that something good could come out of it." 

 He looked down and gave Franco a peck on his forehead before he asked, "...Do you think I'm a good boyfriend?"

Franco smiled at Benji's word, "You really felt something? Even about me when I did nothing but try and push your buttons". He snuggled into Benji's arms and smiled, a sigh of contentment leaving his lips. 

 Franco smirked, "I suppose you're alright" he joked but he turned his head and nodded, "You are good too me and good for me, both things I really needed right now". He thought and then asked, "Am I helping you move on?"

"You are," Benji replied, mindlessly running his finger through Franco's hair as he spoke. "It's... hard to get over someone you've loved for that long. ...And you trying to beat him to a pulp definitely didn't help things--" he sighed lightly-- "but it is slowly getting easier. Because I'm not at the 'just move on'-stage anymore. I like you, Francie. I really, honestly, like you. And I like our relationship." 

He paused for a moment. "...Do you think I could help you stop smoking?"

Franco sighed, "I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted to hurt something which is why I kept punching the wall but I saw red and only thought about how he could take it like a Serpent could". He smiled at the words that followed and looked for Benji's spare hand, linking their fingers together. 

 Franco shook his head, "I don't want to give up Benji" he admitted, knowing it was that and the heroin that kept him going, "I like smoking and I don't want to stop for anyone. If they hurt you, you go back tenfold". He thought about his next question, "Would your family disapprove of your choice in me? Being a gang member and all".

Benji shook his head lightly, "Doesn't make it okay, Franc..." he reminded softly, obviously not wanting to talk about it anymore. 

"But Franc, it's so bad for you... And it's bad for me too, y'know... I just hate that you're doing something that you know is hurting you just because it feels good... there's other things you can do. Things that are healthier for you," he sighed lightly before continuing, "I'm... I'm not gonna force you. Just know that quitting is better for you. And if you ever decide to, I'll be here for every step." 

At the mention of his parents, Benji paused. He had never thought about it before. "Paul won't care," he explained, unsure what else to say there, "he tries to be supportive, but raising two gay sons... it all really goes over his macho head. Knowing him, he'd probably think it's normal for gay guys to date gang members," he joked. "As far as Dave... I don't know. I mean, he’s my brother. I'd like to think he'd accept it since he cares about me and my feelings and everything, but... you never know. I don't know."

He shifted slightly, "...If I asked you to, would you come to synagogue for Shabat one Friday?"

Franco shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe not but I would have tried to fight literally anyone at that point". 

Franco shook his head, "And I'll quit when I am ready OK? Please don't try and convince me otherwise" he said, almost begging. 

Franco listened to Benji talk about his family and sighed, "Paul is your dad right? Why don't you call him dad?" he asked, his mind full of questions about his family, "Like, your brother should understand about being gay and if he's gay, he'll see how attractive I am and be jealous" Franco tried to joke, "What about your mum?" he asked. 

 Franco paused at the question and shrugged his shoulders again, "Erm, I mean I could try but I would probably just burst into flames before I got through the door".

"Because he..." Benji shrugged, "Because he doesn't get me. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a fucking queerbasher when he was in school. And like, sure, he's tried to be better now, having two gay sons and all, but..." he waved the end of the sentence off, deciding to explain another way. "Unlike Dave, I was born in a  transparent closet. The moment I was able to walk, I wanted to dance--dance ballet--, and Paul never found a way to connect with me. He and Dave, they could at least bond over sports, y'know? But me and Paul... nothing. And he tried... I guess... but it... was never the right stuff. Like the only reason why I know Krav Maga was because he forced me to take it. I wasn't allowed to do ballet unless I did them both." 

At the mention of his mom, he looked away. "I don't know anything about my mom. All I know is that she was Paul's second marriage and that she was Jewish... They didn’t last that long. She packed up her shit and left Riverdale. Haven't heard from her since. No letter, no call, no visit... not once my whole life..." he let his thought trail off and crossed his arms, too upset now to comment on Franco's joke.

Franco listened hard and then he looked up at Benji and shifted, deciding to envelop the man in his arms and hold him instead of the other way around, "Hey babe" he breathed, "We can stop talking about this if you want" he breathed, kissing the side of Benji's head, "It really sucks to grow up without a family. I mean, I was lucky I had mine up till I was 18 and then I ran away from them and I never looked back". He held Benji close, "Come on, you mean so much too me, I don't like to see you sad".

Benji leaned into Franco's arms, but kept his own crossed, upset with himself for accidentally opening up old wounds. He took a deep, shaky breath, then turned to Franco, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. "Maybe we do the movie now," he replied, it more of a plea than a question.

Franco watched Benji and gulped, “I upset you didn’t I?” He asked, his own smile fading as he kissed Benji’s head again, “I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna watch a movie. I just wanna lie down cause I feel sick again”.

"I'm not upset with you," he replied, taking a deep breath. "We can stay here... That's fine. Let's just... change the subject."

Franco moved himself away from Benji and back to the pillows on his bed, resting his head down as he rolled onto his back. His body has started to shiver and sweat again and he felt sick as he clutched his stomach, “Tell me something good” he breathed through the pain.

Benji sat up a little, then looked down at Franco, giving him a soft smile. "Something good? Hmm..." he thought for a moment, then smiled, "We've been dating for 2 weeks now. That's a good thing."

Franco watched Benji, anything to distract him from the nauseous feeling in his stomach and his eyes widened a little, "2 weeks? You mean it's been three weeks since you came over and fucked me and called me an asshole on your way out the door?"

Benji rolled his eyes, "I mean... I was trying to focus on the happy part of it, but, I mean... that's technically true..."

Franco shrugged his shoulders, "The happy part? The first couple times we met, I am sure we hated each other and that was some hot hate sex" he laughed, "How it became this, I don't even know" and he moved a hand from his stomach, grabbing Benji's hand and smiling, "But I am glad it did".

Benji smiled back, giving Franco a soft kiss on his forehead. "I'm glad it did too, Motek."

[fuckyouiamcanadian]

I got tagged by @fuckyeahyoongi  to do 8 photos of 2018.. this is all gonna be long cause I can never stop talking it's also been a long ass year so I have alot to say.

It was hard because I'm obsessed with myself during my times when I have self esteem so I have so many selfies that are cute and that I like !!! Especially I have had pretty good self esteem this year which is great!!. 2018 started rough but truly got really better. I moved out, then moved back in cause my parents moved out, I started post secondary, drank alot, smoked alot (surprising haven't gotten high once since legalization tho) and I met lots of friends that I love, I kinda realiz3d my worth in alot of ways too. I tested lots of makeup things and changed my hair up a bit (I cut myself wack bangs) and so there so many times that I looked rough because I tried so many things. I stayed blonde for the majority of the year (actually I stayed blonde for almost an entire year) which means alot of bad pictures with ugly roots and bad grown in looks. Then I tried purple and it went a wack green and multi coloured way. So I went blue for a short time then I went black+!+ darkest I've been since I was natural! Which was in grade 12 or before. (Or the short time between shaving all my hair off and bleaching). I love the black surprisingly. So idk where I was going with this but that was most of 2018. Yikes also I met Jacob which has been amazing (we now been dating 3 months) I love him lots and I was gonna put a picture of us but there was too many good pictures of just me. Yikes ok this is really long

First photo is me with 2 of my journalism friends !! Lexa and Joyce I love them and we get along great!!. Had lots of drinks and fun with them and I can't wait till I'm back in calgary and I can see them again. They are unlike most of the other friends I've ever had. I just have fun with them and it's not like I'm emotionally depend on them like we can talk but it's not like always serious. We can have fun and let go when we are together and kinda just be less stressed from school and have fun.

Second pic is me and my bby Aries who sadly died this year after I moved out :(( my bby chaos died too :( and I actually didn't know this picture if us existed until a couple weeks ago. And I'm not entirely sure it's from 2018 but don't hate me. It was a big thing that happened this year tho.

3rdd is me at the job I kept for a record breaking like 3 weeks and I worked a today of like 5 days!!! But also this has kinda been a mood for 2018 I HAVE CRIED ALOT!!! Also love that outfit when I low-key look hit.

4th is me and my sister new puppy blair rose. Sadly my sister old puppy who I loved so much got hit by a car and had to be put down. I miss iya dearly because she was so sweet and me and her had a bond. Blair annoys me but I'm sure she will grow on me if she ever stops crying!!! See we already have alot in common. She wants attention and cries when she doesn't get it.

5ht I wanna post this because that high light under my eyebrow is poppin.lile damn . It was global fest and was fun!! Kinda boring but singing after ward out the window of harmans car was a good time. That night I refound my love for Carly Rae Jepson.

6th me closer to the beginning of the year (cause most of these pictures are from August till now) and it when I was tryna be cute and do makeup and I was low-key being a very depressed hoe!! I was bored and felt lost alot throughput the first half of the year so I drank and smoked alot and was sad!! It was rough

7th is me and my momma only pic I really have with her since I was a baby. And it's from Thanksgiving when I came to Saskatchewan because she moved here!! (I'm currently visiting her RN too) after living in the same house for like 26 years they finally moving back to this small town so my dad has the opportunity to make more money. They made the decision to move sometime in the summer and my mom and baby brother came here in August so my brother could start school here. My dad is still working in calgary but (because me and my sister have a roommate for our childhood house for January 1st) my dad will be in Saskatchewan after Christmas for good. It's been rough and will continue yo be rough because me and my mom are really close and I used to hangout and talk all the time so I miss her. And Imma miss my dad too. Sometimes I even miss my brother.

The last pic is me drunk as heck on halloween because halloween has been lit and the pic was too ugly to post on ig so here it goes. And even tho this year has been hard and long (just how I like it 😊😊) I'm optimistic for the future and and this picture just shows me happy and I think finally I'm actually really happy. And like doesn't mean I ain't a depressed bitch but I'm optimistic that Imma start being a happy depressed bitch. And I just lile this pic.

So yeah 2018 turned into a really good year even tho it had a lot of really low points.

I don't I see Tumblr much and I'm not sure who still used it so everyone should just do this!!!!

Sorry it's so long. I didn't even cover all of 2018 because it was so messy and literally felt so long I can't even remember what was 2018 and what wasn't 😂😂

[pizzapizzadickz]

what is wrong with my family

I’ve had a rough life with mental health issues from a young age and they’ve only grown worse as I’ve gotten older.  Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about just somehow getting a job and moving far away (preferably to BC, Canada), mainly because of my parents.  My relationship has always been pretty rough with my parents, and due to this, I try to block out everything I possibly can making it kinda hard to catalog everything that has happened because its like I’m trying to find my way through a thick fog that covers every corner of my mind (not that anything super bad has happened just that my life is shitty as fuck and I want to forget as much of it as I can).  

So examples of what its been like with my parents is my dad has repeatedly told me not to cry (in a angry tone), once when I was young enough that the memory is very vague, and once when I was about 8-10 years old after I politely asked him to stop getting at other drivers (which he yelled at me for telling him what to do causing me to cry silently while turning my back to him).  My mother once overheard me telling myself I was dumb (and such) in the shower and barged in yelling at me for it, I don't even remember what was said anymore.  After that, she dragged me to therapy.  I also remember that every so often (when I was younger) we’d have these family meetings where they’d usually talk about how something I did was wrong or ask me if I was depressed and during these meetings, I would always wind up in my “shell” as my parents called it (basically I would stop showing emotions and just answer or avoid questions) this would cause mainly my mom I think to get angry and start yelling at me (or raising her voice I guess - and no I don’t remember what).  As I got older I drifted apart from my dad and wound up having a hard time with him.  We’d often argue, he’d often yell at me for giving him attitude, and after the one time he told me all I was good for was art I stopped talking or being around him as much.  I find it hard to tolerate him now and prefer to not be near him too much, as he often “jokes” around like he recently teased me by shoving a fork near me, and when I asked when mom was coming home he continuously said “aww someone misses their mommy” till I threatened to punch him, which he told me after saying “aww you miss your mommy” again “aren't you going to punch me?” and when I went to he said “woah if you punch me full force ill punch you just as hard”. I also told him to stop prior to this which would only make him tease me again.  My mom has been the better of the two but she sometimes will just get angry at me for being too emotionless or being too sharp with her, or not talking enough to her.  She’s very hard to explain.  She’s the one who kinda guards me against my dad but I’m extremely paranoid that she’s going to invade my privacy and somehow get onto my computer or find out that I bought something like a toothbrush. Like I know she most likely doesn't care about any of this but in the past she would somehow find something wrong with the music I'd buy, or the drawing I made, or the way I acted (as an emotional teen/pre-teen) and tell me I needed therapy or make a big thing of it.  Once they got me into a car after telling me like how they always do when they want to “talk” aka tell me my problems, and asked a bunch of questions, including if I needed to be taken to the hospital (this was apparently due to the abusive boyfriend I had at the time telling them I was suicidal by texting my mom when I hadn’t given him my mom’s phone number on purpose).  She’s also told me that my friends were abusing me before, basically telling me to get new ones.  When she found out I was self-harming she made me stip into my underwear, and she yelled (raised her voice) at me. My dad tends to push chores gets angry at me when he's mad at my mom, and when mom was away last time he wouldn’t make any meals for us (my mom makes all the meals usually).  Today my after 2 days of me being very emotionally distant (due to me not wanting to be anywhere near them) cornered me when I was playing with my rabbit, she told me I was sharp with them for the last 3-4 days, and had been locked up in my room for too much and should be talking to them and out of my room more.  She said something along the lines of “I don't want to live with someone who acts like this and if this is the testosterone want you off (I'm transgender and currently going through hormone replacement therapy) and if it not I'm taking you to therapy with us on Monday”.   Ask me questions if you want to hear more, I’m just spacing out too much to continue writing or thinking about this.  

[phillyupwardboundullying]

Broken Hearts and Teary Eyes by Nadirah Williams

Sometimes you can’t see whats right in front of your face, you don't know what people are going through, and you most definitely can't see or feel their pain. In my neighborhood, its like no one can see the problem, like no one knows whats going on, like no one can see the pain in these kids eyes, in their friends' eyes, or in their families eyes. Am I the only one who can see, who knows what's going on, who can feel their pain?

Bullying is the problem I’m talking about. It's what nobody can see, what a lot of people are going through, where the pain is coming from. I’m only 15 and I have seen and felt more than most people can imagine. I've been getting bullied since the 2nd grade, around the time most of us start to lose all our baby teeth and the time where our height increased rapidly. I was getting bullied about my teeth being bigger than others, about my weight and about my height. I was always a little taller than most of the class, people said I was a giant, they talked about my teeth being bigger than others. They called me fat when I gained a little bit of weight. They said I was sick because I was skinny...anything about me they made negative, they almost broke me. The schools tried to help but they ain't try hard enough. Most of our teachers would give detentions and stuff and if they didn’t work, they gave up. I end up becoming immune to the abuse. I became immune to them “accidentally” bumping me in the halls. I became immune to them stealing my stuff and giving it away. I just took the pain, cried it out and kept it moving. That's the only thing I could do.

Many kids can't take it though. When I was in 5th grade one of my friends, Julia was getting bullied. Mentally and physically. They would call her out her name, talk about her family because they were foreign, and called her mom all types of inappropriate stuff because she had two jobs and worked late most nights. Her dad was getting paid minimum wage, and her mom just wasn't getting enough income so she had to take away some of her time with her kids to provide for them. They assumed that she was doing all the wrong, her mom worked two jobs because her son had cancer. Ms. Johnson wanted to get her kids anything they wanted and to do anything they wanted together because she didn't know when her son would take his last breath...Julia was hurt that people would judge her that bad and they didn't even know half the story. After a couple of months, she attempted suicide...thankfully it didn’t work. Unfortunately, now she is in a coma because she hit her head really hard trying to take her own life. I was really hurt, I cried for days in my room. Almost as hurt as her parents, I watched all this happen and trust me I tried to get them to leave her alone but when I said something or got involved I was always in trouble or they ignored every word that came out of my month. I still visit her today. She still hasn't woken up but I’m kinda happy, she doesn't need to see the pain or feel it. I don't want her to die, I just want her to be at peace.

Fighting doesn't work either. I got in a fight once and all it did was leave marks on my skin. I had bluish and purplish bruises my arms and legs, and scratches on my arms. It didn't make them stop, if anything it was like feeding into their behavior and I’m scared that things might escalate into something dangerous. One day, Julia and I we’re talking and she told me about how her best friend, Amelia, got into a fight. Correction, she got jumped. This group of girls was basically spreading rumors about Amelia, they one girl wanted to fight her and she wasn’t into fighting but she thought if she would they would leave her alone. She was winning and then the girls friends jumped in and gave Amelia a cast, a boot, a black eye, and the doctors end up giving her an eye patch. She is someone who had it bad. A lot of people just get verbally bullied, she got it verbally and physically, sometimes at the same time. After this Julia tried to help her and it didn't work. Then she asked me to try to talk to Amelia because I used to be able to help Julia, until it started to get worse. I didn't really know Amelia but I tried my best. She told me that she was broken. They broke her. Emotionally, physically, literally, all of the above. She said that she was ugly because of all her scars. That all the love in the world was gone, or in her world. She said she tried to hold on for her dad, but she gave up. About a week after I talked to her, she committed suicide...honestly, it really broke me. When I saw the sadness in her dark red eyes, when I heard the pain in her cracking sobbing voice…I didn't even really know her but just to know what she has been through pains me.

It's not just girls either, there was a new boy in my 2nd grade class, Michael, got bullied but he ignored it and focused on his friends and his work. We hung out sometimes and we had fun, after a while they left him alone. Then another new boy came along and tried to “ruin Michael’s life” so he said. The bullying actually started to get to Michael after some time, but he didn't want to get stressed and end up like other kids at our school. He asked his mom could he just be home-schooled by his aunt and she agreed. I was kind of really hurt. He was my first crush and my first boy-friend. He was so funny and lively, he brought out the good at our school. He made all of us laugh and smile when times we’re getting rough and he helped a lot of people, even me. When he left things went down hill once again.

Some nights I don't sleep. Some nights I wish I could help since society is ignoring our struggle. Nobody is helping and it's really sad. Families are broken, friends are hurt, no ones getting help or guidance, bullies will continue to spread negativity and turn it into depression, or a tragedy...I wish I could just stop it all. I'm tired of seeing confident beautiful girls become insecure. I'm tired of seeing girls come into school with fresh tear marks down their face because they don't want to be there. I'm tired of hearing how kids not wanting to be in schools anymore, to be able to socialize and befriend new people. I'm tired of hearing my friends getting hurt or hearing that they are taking their own lives. I'm tired of all this negativity...but one day I'm going to try my best to stop all this mess, I’m going to try to bring smiles back to kids and teens faces. I want to try to spread positivity to the hurting hearts in these schools in my school in my neighborhood. One day I will make a change for us all. One day...because if I don't who knows if anybody else will...

[distant-rose-archive-blog]

Not to be a dick or anything, but I was wondering if I could get an update on what's going on fic wise. You said you were planning on posting this week/weekend and you didn't. I just was wondering what's up...

I find that anyone someone starts off by saying “not to be a dick” that I’m rarely in for a good conversation…not the best start off right there, mate. I realize that I had made some commentary in the past two weeks about updating post-exam because then I will be free to work on things and getting my life back together…

However, with that being said, life happens…

I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it, mainly because I physically wasn’t a part of the incidents, but as some of you are aware, I am very much a Londoner. I’m American born, but I’ve lived in London for the past year and prior to moving here, I lived London during study aboard for a year in undergrad. I assume you watch the news and are aware that there was an attack. 

While people know the London Bridge area as a tourist sector, it’s my neighborhood. I live there. I do my groceries at Borough Market just as often as I do at Tesco or Sainsbury’s. I take constant walks Thames side. I frequent pubs along the area. I constantly eat at Nandos under London Bridge like it’s my job. So this weekend, it was a bit rough for me especially because not only was my neighborhood subject to incidents, but my friends were injured in the attacks as well. My flatmate went to the hospital and is shaken up by it as she should be. I’m a little bit of a mess emotionally and my creative process has kinda taken a hit. 

Especially because while I have friends that I love dearly, most of my loved ones and family are not in the UK. My immediate family is the United States, the love of my life is in Germany, my closest blood relatives to me geographically are in Italy and Greece. Which hasn’t been an issue for me until now and I realize how much of an island I’ve made myself by coming to London and pursuing my dread. Do I regret it? No, but fuck, I could kill for my mom to just rub my head and make me food, or my dad just give me a hug.

So yeah…that’s your answer. That is what’s going on. That’s why I didn’t write this weekend like I said I would. Because life happened. It does that occasionally.

Needless to say I’m trying to write. I made a promise to myself (and only to myself) to try and write 5,000 words today. I’m not promising you and anyone else anything because I honestly just can’t do that at the moment.