#last time i emailed him he was like. yeah i’ll give you the waiver. and then he was like ‘the system won’t process it :(‘

[treecakes]

also have to email the head of the german department at my school again 😭 give me the prerequisite waiver or i swear i will cry

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Won’t You Stay (Part 8)

Summary: The reader spends the night at Jensen’s place but has a moment of doubt over their new relationship. When the reader goes to her parents place for dinner that night, her siblings share some secrets they’ve been harboring but she’s not as willing to go there yet...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x Director!reader

Word Count: 2,400ish

Warnings: language, depression, self-doubt, implied past domestic abuse

A/N: Please enjoy!

______

Friday Night

“Y/N,” laughed Jensen as you leaned against the window in the restaurant that night. You’d barely had time to change into something nice after work and hurried over to the restaurant, Jensen sitting at the bar with a drink. You nearly tripped in your heels when you’d gotten over there, Jensen giggling quietly to himself.

When you got to a table, you woke up some but you were already more than embarrassed. Jensen played it off thankfully and you eased into dinner, talking mostly about work and your days. When it came time for dessert though you weren’t sure if you’d make it.

“Honey, you’re exhausted. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“No. I caught up on a few things,” you said, blinking open your eyes and leaning back in your seat. “I am one hundred percent awesome and ready to go.”

“Well I’m tired and I know I didn’t get to sleep last night either,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Dinner was very good.”

“I’d love to come back,” you yawned. 

“Still doing awesome?” he laughed.

“Mostly awesome. Actually I’d kind of love to go put on pajamas and get out of this dress,” you said.

“I think I’m going to catch our waiter and ask for that dessert to go,” he said.

“Good plan,” you said, giving him a thumbs up.

“You’re extra adorable when you’re all tired,” he said, booping your nose.

“I’m always adorable,” you said, giving him a sleepy smile.

“Yes you are.”

“Mm,” you said sitting on Jensen’s couch half an hour later, taking your last bite of cake. “Yummy.”

“I’m stuffed,” he said, groaning as he stretched out. “You want the bed?”

“Hm?” you hummed as you shut your eyes.

“I don’t think either one of us could drive even if we wanted to,” he said, pulling you to your feet. “You take the bed. I’ll crash out here.”

“We can share. I won’t give you cooties,” you said, curling up into a ball.

“Maybe I want some cooties,” he teased. “Alright, come on then.”

He pulled you to your feet and guided you back to his room, grabbing a t shirt and a pair of clean boxers for you to wear.

“This okay?”

“Mhm,” you hummed. You ducked in his bathroom to change, coming out to find him in pajamas and hanging up his suit. “Your clothes are very soft.”

“Well thank you. You look very, very tired, honey. Get some sleep,” he said, shutting the door. You walked over to his bed and plopped down, nearly falling asleep right there. “Under the covers, sleepyhead.”

“Mhm,” you said, out before he could lay down beside you.

“Good morning,” a quiet voice said as you started to stir. You rolled and found yourself face first with Jensen’s, a shy smile there. “Sleep good?”

“Amazing,” you said, brushing your lips over his. It was a slow and teasing kiss and he let you do all the work. You smirked as you moved back an inch, Jensen laying there with a goofy look on his face. “Morning.”

“Very good morning. Pretty good for a first kiss,” he said. He cupped your cheek and pulled you back into it, lazy and easy. His breath was warm, his lips soft, light stubble just the right kind of rough. 

Then you had to go and shrug away from him. You sat up panting, putting your back to him.

“Y/N,” he said, voice gentle and sweet, a little waiver underneath it. “Honey.”

“Sorry,” you mumbled.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he said. You curled your toes in the carpet, the bed dipping as Jensen crawled over and sat beside you. Maybe you weren’t ready for this again, to be close to someone like that. Nearly your entire relationship with Logan had been a disaster and poor Jensen didn’t deserve to deal with the never ending fallout from it. You stared at you lap but moved closer to him, Jensen wrapping his arm loosely around your waist. “You okay?”

“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t do this. Find someone better, less complicated,” you said. His arm curled around you tighter though and you stared at him, Jensen still looking all soft and smiley.

“Yeah but I found you and I like you and you like me. I want you. Whatever this is, it doesn’t scare me,” he said. You swallowed and stared at him, big green eyes looking back.

“It should,” you said.

“I’m tougher than I look,” he said with a quick smirk. “You don’t have to say anything, just know it’s safe here. I promise.”

“Sorry I shrugged you off,” you said, giving him a smile. He returned it and kissed your temple.

“It’s alright. I will let you be in charge of potential make out sessions from now, alright?” he said.

“Jensen,” you said as he went to move away. “My last boyfriend...things ended bad. Very bad. It’s not you at all. Please know that.”

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here but otherwise, let’s not let that douche ruin any more of our morning, hm?” he said.

“Sounds good,” you said. “We can start with getting back to fun things.”

“What kind of-“

You gave him a kiss, Jensen humming into it. He put his hands on your hips and pulled you into his lap. It was soft and slow, Jensen letting you guide him and move his hands up your back.

“You are so attractive,” you said, kissing under his jaw. He turned into it, dropping his head on your shoulder, a tiny groan leaving his lips. “And I think that’s enough for now.”

“For now,” he said, smiling when you pulled back. “Feel better now?”

“Very,” you said.

“Would you like to get lunch with me, miss director?” he teased.

“I would love to but I have to pop into work for a meeting. Tonight?” you asked.

“Didn’t you tell your parents you were going over for dinner?” he said. You pursed your lips but he smiled. “Hang out with your family and relax a little. We can get together tomorrow.”

“You sure?” you said.

“Yeah. We’ll do something fun. I got the perfect idea in mind already.”

“So,” said Ella, plopping down on the other side of your dad in the family room that evening, your mom out getting the takeout. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

“I think he went out with his friends for dinner and a drink,” you said as you looked through your phone.

“You could have gone, sweetie,” said your dad. “I don’t need a babysitter. I have several of you if you look around.”

“I wanted to hang out with you guys. I really need a day off,” you said as you sent off another email.

“You working on the weekends?” he asked.

“Some,” you said.

“Why?” asked Anthony. “Aren’t you already getting paid like an assload of money?”

“Your sister is in charge of 289 people, Anthony. It’s a tad stressful,” said your dad. “But he has a point. You need to take some more time. You have two and a half months to go. It’s only been two weeks. You’ll burn out before it’s over.”

“I know. I want it to be good is all,” you said. You shut your eyes and rested your head on his shoulder, your dad humming quietly. 

“Dad. Can I uh, talk to you about something?” said Anthony. You slowly opened your eyes, Ella giving you a quick glance. There was a tone in his voice and you both nodded.

“Of course. Your sisters already seem to know what this is about,” he said. 

“Yeah. They do. So um, you know...you know Nolan?” he asked, fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt.

“Your best friend since kindergarten? Yes, I know him,” said your dad, a quiet laugh escaping him. “What about him?”

“Yeah. Uh, Nolan and I are...see...Nolan’s not just my best friend,” said Anthony, rubbing the back of his neck. “He’s uh, he’s my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” asked your dad. You looked back and forth between them, Anthony calmer than you were expecting. “How long have you two been dating?”

“Almost a year,” he said.

“A year, huh,” said your dad, Anthony nodding. “You guys going out someplace for your anniversary?”

“Uh, probably just get pizza or something,” said Anthony, glancing to you. 

“You guys should go out somewhere nice. I’ll pay. Only have a first anniversary once,” he said with a smile.

“Okay?” said Anthony. “I...dad, I...you understand...I’m gay, don’t you?”

“Anthony,” said your dad, getting up and plopping down in the oversized chair next to him. “Honey, I don’t care if you like boys or girls or both or whoever. It doesn’t change anything. You’re still my son and I still love you.”

“Oh. Good,” he said with a smile, your dad pulling him into a squeezing hug. “Dad.”

“I love you,” he said. “You gonna talk to me again? I am very good at talking about boys by the way.”

“Yeah, it was stupid to be afraid,” he said.

“Anthony and this goes for all three of you, I don’t give a damn how big you are, you can always come to me and mom when you’re scared. You never have to be afraid of us,” he said. “Got that?”

“Yeah. Is it cool if Nolan comes over more? I know we go to his house a lot lately,” said Anthony.

“Yes and he can sleepover as I’m sure you’re doing the horizontal tango at this point in the game,” he said. “Just be smart and safe, okay?”

“Yeah. Also, let’s not talk about sex, please,” he said. “Not with them in the room.”

“I showed you what kind of condoms to get, idiot,” you said, rolling your eyes. “He nearly shit a brick when I made him pay. Then there was the what kind of-“

“Shut up,” groaned Anthony.

“You have a good sister,” chuckled your dad. “What about Ella bella? You doing okay? You've been a bit quiet lately too.”

“I told a guy I thought I liked I wasn’t ready for sex with him and he was a dick and I’m glad I didn’t do it,” she said, giving you a smile.

“...Okay. Um, Ella. I won’t tell you how to do things but...wait a bit. Find someone you love and do it with them. Although it sounds like your sister has struck again in the advice department,” he said.

“You have hormonal teenagers, not my fault,” you laughed. He smiled and nodded, looking you up and down. “What?”

“Anything you want to share?” he asked.

“Nope,” you said. He nodded, tilting his head. “Dad.”

“Your brother and sister just did, even though that was hard for both of them I’m sure,” he said.

“Dad. Drop it,” you said.

“You don’t have to be a dick. You’re the one that told us to talk to dad,” said Ella.

“You have been like super angsty lately, Y/N,” said Anthony. “Who cares about your stupid ex-boyfriend? Your new boyfriend is awesome. Even dad likes him.”

“I do like him,” chuckled your dad but he caught you frowning. “No one, not even mom, got the picture on what happened with Logan.”

“Leave me alone,” you said as you quickly stood up. You headed down the front hall, your dad catching up quickly and spinning you around. “I thought you were going to drop-”

“Did he hurt you?” he asked. You blinked and he stared down at you. “Did he hurt you? Touch you? Force himself on you? Something is not right and I’m sorry but you’re not leaving until we know the truth once and for all.”

“He broke my heart. That’s all there is to it,” you said.

“No, it’s not.”

“Why do you even care?” you said with a shrug. “Go off to your real kids, not the accident.”

“Y/N,” he said, opening his mouth and shaking his head. “Sweetie, you’re not-”

“If she hadn’t died, you wouldn’t know I existed. You know why I got so into writing books when I was a teenager, dad? You were playing house with your real kids with the wife you actually loved. There was no burden, there was no trying to hide from your five your old how much better life would be without her in it. Writing let me pretend, run away. Stay out of my business. I’ve been staying out of yours for years,” you said.

He stared at you as you went to the door and pulled on your shoes, Anthony already grabbing your arm.

“What is wrong with you? Seriously? Dad just had a bad night and-“

“Let go,” you said but he tightened his grip. “Anthony. Stop. You’re hurting me.”

“Anthony, let go of your sister,” said your dad quietly.

“Not until she explains what the fuck is going on,” he said, his hand becoming painful.

“Let go!” you said, kneeing him in the groin and shoving him away. You grabbed your arm and rubbed it, all three of them staring at you.

“Come here,” said your dad. You shook your head and he held out his arms. “What’s daddy’s most important job? You used to ask me all the time, kiddo.”

“Being daddy,” you mumbled, squeezing your eyes shut. He walked over and wrapped his arms around you, shushing you. “I’m sorry, Anthony.”

“Me too,” he said.

“Guys, eat dinner when it gets here with mom, alright? I’m going out with your sister for a while,” he said.

“Where are we going?”

______

A/N: Read Part 9 here!

[locke-writes]

There’s A Reason

Author: locke-writes

Title: There’s A Reason

Prompt: God Help The Outcasts - Hunchback of Notre Dame, Photographer!AU For: @thefanficfaerie ‘s Disney Quote Challenge

Rating: T

Word Count: 1623

As Steve switched the lens on his camera he contemplated where he was in his career. Working freelance was fine, it meant that he had enough time to work on building his portfolio, filling it with photos he was proud of and subjects that he was passionate about. It also meant that he had to take jobs he wasn't particularly passionate about in order to pay rent. Everyone that hired him was told upfront what his standard rate was and luckily most accepted with little to no complaints. He was glad to have a good reputation among magazines and newspapers but in the art world he'd yet to make a difference.

Photography was never what he considered as a career but neither was the army. He'd joined out of high school along with a few friends simply because he had no other plans. Everyone else he knew was heading off to college but they had known what their career was meant to be ever since freshman year. Steve only knew that he knew absolutely nothing.

When he was discharged he was as aimless as ever. In the military he never had to question what to do, there was and order for everything. There'd always been the old saying about doing what you loved and then you'd never work a day in your life but Steve didn't think that was sound advice. For sometime he worked odd jobs arranged by friends, anything where he could make a small amount of money. And then there was an ad. 

That's how it all started, someone needed a photographer and Steve had been fairly decent at photography in high school. They were paying well, he needed a job, all the factors added up. Now here he was, years later still going out and taking pictures for other people. There had been times he'd looked at working solely for one magazine or another but freelance gave him freedom of choice. Yet now that freedom of choice was getting old.

He'd never really considered himself an artist but he knew that art could make people feel things, could make people understand concepts or see concepts in new ways. He wanted to make people feel what he felt when he looked at a certain photo series. Through his photos he wanted to make a difference however sometimes that felt very much like a pipe dream.

Steve took a few more photographs before dismantling his equipment and heading home to send off what he had taken. There was one problem with Steve's dream of making a difference and he knew it. Well actually that was the problem, he had no idea what his big break was going to be. No one could plan their break into the art world, he was aware of that, yet he wanted whatever he decided to be his first real photo series to be something he was going to be passionate about.

An email from Sam would change all that.

They had met purely by accident, Steve couldn't shake the military schedule or the military work out, apparently Sam couldn't either, a run is what brought them together. Sam led a few military support groups, not everyone in them had been diagnosed with PTSD but that didn't matter everyone deserved to be able to talk about their experience to people who had been through it and actually understood what it was like. Steve wasn't a regular attendee, he went on occasion, he and Sam were just friends with Sam sending update emails about the events every so often.

But this email wasn't about attending an event, it was about a job. The veteran's center where Sam worked was not associated with the VA which means they didn't have to stick to VA policy. It worked out well enough as it allowed for private events to take place including the Veteran's Day barbecue that the job in question was going to be about. Sam wanted to know if Steve would show up and take a few photos, he'd pay with both check and free food. Like most things with Steve, it was supposed to be something simple and he happened to turn it into something complex.

It had never occurred to Steve to do a portrait series featuring veteran's and the truth of what joining the military was really like. Steve had known many a soldier who had a great experience and talked highly about enlisting but he also knew soldiers who had suffered greatly coming out of war with loss of limbs, loss of faith, and more than he would have liked, loss of life. So that's what was arranged, Steve would take pictures of the actual event for a few hours and those who wished to be a part of his photo series could head to a room Sam would free up in the veteran's center that way Steve could create a makeshift studio.

You had never served, had never wanted to. You'd had family and family friends that were veterans but you knew what the consequences were. And rather than going off to join the great military cog machine, you put your talents elsewhere while still finding a way to help. 

Dogs seemed to love you and you loved them. Having grown up around dogs it seemed only natural that you would end up working at an animal shelter. After a few friends had been assigned PTSD support dogs you broached the idea of a training program with the shelter managers. It wasn't necessarily well received. There was already a tremendous amount of effort put in just to rescuing and housing dogs, more time and money thrown in to a program that wouldn't provide much in terms of added profit for the shelter wasn't deemed a well enough investment. So you quit and started your own company specifically designed for providing veteran's with service dogs for any number of needs.

It took a length of time to get up off the ground. Business permits and licenses and other expenses had to be taken care of before you could even begin bringing dogs in. You searched for some time to partner with a veteran's center. All VA facilities seemed to not want to take the risk of a new business, Sam Wilson was the only person who had ever said yes. And that yes had made all the difference.

The click of a camera alerted you to the fact that you were being watched. Still setting up you paid no attention as Sam had informed you there would be a photographer on the premises. Unloading dogs and putting them in the fenced in area was your priority. Steve's priority was to take photographs of the event although he couldn't help but ask a few questions.

"What is all this" he called, taking a few more photographs.

"Service dogs, or potential ones at least."

"Potential as in they aren't trained yet or…" he stopped, knowing you would be able to finish what he was asking.

You turned to face them after filling up a few water bowls, "Potential meaning they're all here today to find someone to adopt them. That's putting it simply at least. What are you here for?"

Steve raised his camera.

"Yeah and, what are you here for?"

"Sam asked me too. I guess he knows that I want something better than just sending photos off for other people to use. You've heard probably, that I'm here to start a series?"

"If you want me to be a part of it I think you've got the wrong person. Not a vet, just helping them out."

Steve nodded, turning away and letting you get back to work. He wandered the venue for a few hours taking pictures, talking to those in attendance. Those who came to the studio wrote out their stories and signed waivers giving him permission to use the photos freely. He of course explained that he'd only be putting them up in galleries if he was able to. He had no intention of exploiting anyone's story. It was art, that's what it was, that's how it would be treated. 

Sam grabbed Steve when the event was winding down, bringing him out to eat the last of the food and to meet some more people. Steve was caught staring at you and was teased by Sam. There was something about you that intrigued Steve, he couldn't put a finger on it. Clearly with all that you were doing working to help with service dogs there was a great kindness within you. Although that wasn't the only thing that seemed to draw him to you. He was pushed to go and speak with you once again.

"How'd the pictures come out?" you questioned.

"Pretty good I think. I'll do some touching up but nothing major. How'd the whole service dog thing go"

"Well enough. Had some interested in adopting but we train the dogs after finding the owner that they all connect with. Hopefully we still get contacted about some of the dogs after today."

"You know I could take portrait shots of the dogs for your website if you have one."

"How much?"

"I think what you're doing is for a good cause. So, for free."

"Nothing's ever really for free"

"Sam said to ask you to dinner. If you must insist on paying then I guess if you wanted to?"

"Sam said that?"

"Maybe not in so many words but he insinuated it. It's fine if you don't want to I completely understand. I'll do the dog photos still no matter what."

"You don't do this often do you?"

"Ask people out. Nearly never. And in all seriousness, is it working?

[bluesfortheredj]

Moving to Midsomer had been a shock to the system to say the least, and at first you couldn’t quite adjust properly to the slower pace of life, but now you were a month into it you’d found that the quieter life was just what you needed. The hustle and bustle from the city was a distant memory to you now, and you rather enjoyed being able to call this sleepy little county your home. The move had been initiated by Charlie’s promotion to detective sergeant, and you’d been able to follow him with ease being as you had your own business and had no need to stay in the city.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Charlie smiles as he enters the kitchen where you sit staring out at the garden and the vast expanse of land beyond it while you ponder over how different your life is now.

“They’re not worth a penny,” you chuckle, “you off already?”

“Yeah, early start this morning,” he sighs, “what’s your plan for today?”

“Accounts,” you pout, “but I shall be looking forward to my handsome husband coming home later.”

“Oh yeah? On a scale of one to ten, how handsome would you rate him?” Charlie smirks.

“Definitely a strong twelve.”

Charlie waves his hand in front of his face as if fanning himself and you laugh at his action before getting up from your chair and placing your hands on his cheeks to kiss him. You pepper his face with light kisses and he slides his hands around your waist to keep you close, then when you finally lean away he gives you a loving smile.

“What did I do to deserve that?” he asks as he tilts his head at you.

“You married me,” you grin, then nudge your nose against his before kissing him one more time, “now you’d better get going.”

“If I have to,” he says sadly as he sticks his lower lip out.

“Love you,” you sigh as you let go of him.

“Love you too.”

Charlie finds himself clock-watching all day; counting down the minutes until he gets to see you again, and Barnaby has to give him a nudge several times during the day when his attention waivers. As soon as the clock hits half five and his shift ends, he’s straight out that door and jumping into his car as fast as he can to get home to you. You’d been together years but the spark and the excitement was very much still prominent with both of you, and home time was his favourite time of day purely because he got to see you when he arrived back at the house.

“I’m home!” he sighs with a smile after practically running down the path, “(Y/N)?”

The house is too quiet, if you were still working you’d have a playlist going or the radio at least; you could never get any work done without some background noise. Charlie gets his phone out of his pocket to ring you but when he hears the familiar tone of your phone coming from the kitchen he frowns to himself. He finds it alone in the middle of the table and when he hangs up he sees an unread text message on the home screen with the words SHE’S SAFE FOR NOW glaring up at him.

“No,” he exhales, “no, no, no!”

Charlie stumbles backwards into the kitchen counter as the phone slips from his grip and lands with a thud on the floor by his feet. His heart feels as if it takes the same route as it sinks into the pit of his stomach and he has to clasp a hand over his mouth for fear of being sick with the thought of who’s taken you. As he tries to calm his now erratic breathing, he brings his phone up and dials Barnaby’s number straight away.

“Nelson, not doing overti-”

“Sir, I’m sorry to call you, but I desperately need your help,” he interrupts, trying to speak as calmly as possible.

“I’ll be right over,” John replies, knowing it must be serious for Nelson to call him at home.

He arrives within minutes and Charlie shows him the message on your phone first, then informs him about the history with your ex-partner, who he suspects is the one behind this disappearance. It was a bad history and Charlie hated talking about the things that happened to you at the hands of that monster; he was close to vomiting when you first told him about everything, and he’d held you close all night long afterwards. Barnaby lets out a deep sigh when everything has been shared, and he studies Nelson’s crumbling frame carefully as he thinks of what to do first.

“Right, I’m getting a couple of officers over here to see if we can trace where this message has come from, then we’ll take it from there. Do we know his last known whereabouts?”

“I have some information on his last address, yeah,” Charlie nods solemnly before bringing up an email on his phone to show John.

“I’ll get a car organised to go out there and search the house.”

Charlie stares off into the garden as Tom starts making phone calls to the neighbouring police force, and he thinks about how this was your favourite place to sit and watch the world go by. He knew it was going to take some adjusting for both of you, but when you’d settled yourself in in only a matter of a couple of weeks it filled his heart with joy to see you at peace finally. A stray tear falls down one of his cheeks as he stands there in his own little world, then he quickly wipes it away before turning to face John when he hears his name being called.

“Yes sir?”

“We’ll find her, Charlie,” he reassures, “I promise.”

One hour turns to two quicker than a flash and Charlie wishes he could rewind back to this morning and never leave you. The clock now seems to go twice as fast as he stares at it waiting for any sort of news to come through about where you are, and it’s as if he’s being punished for being so impatient while at work. By the four hour mark it’s deep into the night and heading into early morning but there’s no way Charlie could even think about sleeping let alone going upstairs to the bedroom that stood empty and cold without you.

“We’ve got eyes on her,” Barnaby finally announces as Charlie continues to pace in front of the patio doors.

“What? Where is she? We need to go now,” he says in a panic as his bloodshot eyes stare at Tom.

“We can’t for now, it’s not our county’s constabulary that’s handling it at the moment, but our officers are heading over there to bring her back here as soon as she’s given her statement.”

“Is she okay?”

“I’m just waiting on more information.”

“We can’t just sit here and do nothing!” Charlie shouts as he brings his fists down onto the nearest table.

John calmly walks into the kitchen away from him and begins to make a cup of tea for the both of them while Charlie watches him with a mixture of confusion and anger at how he seems to be ignoring what’s happening around him.

“Sit down, Nelson,” John sighs as he feels Charlie’s eyes boring into him from across the room, “take a seat and a couple of deep breaths as well.”

“With all due respect-”

“I suggest you listen to your boss right now,” John interrupts, “I hate to pull rank under such circumstances, but you need to hear this.”

Charlie sighs with frustration but does as he says and plonks himself down in one of the kitchen chairs with a huff. John turns around with the cups and places them down on the table before taking a seat opposite him and giving him a sympathetic smile.

“I understand how you’re feeling. Frustrated, angry, exhausted; all you want to do it lash out at something or someone,” he pauses as Charlie nods, “but think about it logically, what will that do to help (Y/N)? She needs you to be here both mentally and physically when she gets back home. She doesn’t need to see you pacing because you feel like you should have done something differently, she needs to see you as strong as you can possibly be so she knows she’s safe again.”

Charlie’s head falls into his hands as he leans his elbows up on the table and he realises that John’s completely right, you didn’t want to see a broken man when you got home, you needed security and safety and copious amounts of love. John’s phone starts to ring and Charlie’s head snaps up from his palms as he answers it.

“Drink your tea,” John says before going out of the room to talk.

“What is it? Is she okay? I need to see her,” Charlie babbles when he comes back into the room.

“A few bumps and scrapes is all. She’s on her way here now. They got him at the scene and he won’t make bail, so you can relax.”

“Not until she’s here, I can’t.”

“Well at least splash your face with some cold water or something, you look like… Not your usual chirpy self.”

Charlie trudges up the stairs and notices that the sun was just starting to rise already as the first fresh beams of light start to peek through the windows tentatively, then he smiles at the soft glow and the fact that you’ll be here soon. It killed him that he couldn’t have come and got you himself but as usual John was right, and the logical side of his brain knew that it would be completely against the rules with the obvious personal connection to you. While he’s changing into fresh clothes that hadn’t been worn for 24 hours straight, a soft tap at the front door grabs his attention and he’s quick to look down the stairs as John answers the door.

“(Y/N)!” Charlie gasps as he bounds down the stairs at an alarming rate and takes you in his arms before you can utter a word. John moves around you both and gives Charlie a nod as he exits the house and shuts the door quietly behind him to give you both the peace and quiet you desperately needed.

“You look so tired,” you sigh as you tilt your head up to see your husband’s gaunt and pale face, “can we go to bed? I’m exhausted.”

“We can do whatever you want. Are you okay? What did he do to you? He didn’t-”

“Charlie,” you whisper as you place a hand on his cold face, “I’m fine. I’m married to you, remember? I’ve picked up a few tips along the way. I’m just absolutely drained right now. I promise I will tell you everything tomorrow, I just really need to sleep before I even attempt to explain.”

“That’s my girl,” he smiles, then kisses your forehead before leading you upstairs to the place you felt the safest; next to him under the covers.

Charlie nelson x reader. Coming home to find his wife/girlfriend missing. She’s been kidnapped by an abusive ex/father. I know I might have to wait a while but it will be worth it. Xx

@lv7867 @lovemarvelousfics @fuckyou-imspiderman @aynsleywalker @timeandpixiedust @theborhapbois @wolfgirlxslytherin @the-baby-bookworm @pink-lemo

[httpjeon]

— the cockpile: velvet | hoseok (m.)

hoseok/reader | smut | pornstar!au

wordcount: 4k

contents: sex work, pwp, binding, spanking, hair pulling, oral (male recieving), anal play, light orgasm denial, light overstimulation, safeword, dirty talk, light choking 

― synopsis: wanting to burn off some stress, you apply to attend a session at a kink dungeon. hoseok is your master.

note: thank you so much for the love on my jin fic! here is hoseok’s version which means jungkook is coming next week!

blog masterlist | series masterlist

© httpjeon 2019. do not repost, modify, or translate.

You sighed as you dropped down into your office chair, feeling all the stress from working nonstop lately. No matter how much you tried to get time off, your boss repeatedly declined. You carefully typed the password into your desktop, opening excel to begin the task your boss had given you.

Just as you started your draft, your phone lit up beside you on your desk. The notification let you know you had received an email. Carefully, you examined around, making sure no one else in the other cubicles before you unlocked your phone to open the email.

“Good evening, Miss. _____, We looked over your application to attend a shooting with one of our masters. Congratulations, we’ve decided to accept you! We have an opening at 8pm this Saturday. Please arrive 30 minutes to an hour early to allow for time to fill out paperwork. See you soon! kinkdungeon xxx”

You bit your lip as you desperately tried to hold in your squeals of excitement.

You see, with your bastard boss denying you vacation days even though you had more than enough saved up, you took it into your own hands to find a way to relieve your growing stress and tension. Most people would get a massage or go to the spa, but instead you wanted to get railed as hard as possible. What better way to do that than to visit a kink dungeon?

So, you finished work as fast as you possibly could before you were let off of work precisely at 5pm. You rushed home to give yourself a facial mask and shave everywhere you possibly could before moisturizing your whole body.

Tomorrow was the day.

You nervously pulled the sleeves of your sweater down over your hands as you entered the intimidating doorway to the kink dungeon. When you stepped into the lobby, you were hit with warm air and the pleasant scent of lavender. The heavily tattooed lady at the front desk looked up from her computer and smiled softly.

“Can I help you?” She asked, eyeing you up and down as you approached the desk.

“I have an appointment…8pm?” You nervously cleared your throat as your mouth felt dry from nerves.

“Name?” She asked, moving her gaze to her computer.

“_____,” You responded automatically, keeping your eyes on the woman as he typed into the computer before she gave a firm nod.

“Okay,” She said, turning to the side to pull out a little stack of papers. “I need you to fill these in for me.”

“R-Right,” You muttered, remembering the email said there would be paperwork. You carefully took the papers and a clipboard with an attached pen. Placing it down on the desk, you read through the papers which were basically waivers, consent forms for filming, and just basic information about you. When you finished with your signature, you returned the clipboard to her. You stood there, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other as the lady put in your information into the system. You looked on the wall behind her, noticing that there were several portraits of people on the walls.

“Who are those people?” You asked the lady, causing her to look behind her before smiling.

“Oh, those are the masters and mistresses of the dungeon,” She replied, returning to finish entering your information. “Okay, so you’re all set, you can go ahead through that door. Jieun is back there and she’ll help get you situated and you can ask her any questions you have!”

“Thank you,” You smiled before going through the door she had pointed out.

As you stepped inside, you found yourself in a hallway with a large handful of doors. There was a lady, who you assumed to be Jieun, sitting at a desk situated in the corner.

“Hi,” Jieun grinned, waving you over to her. “So, your appointment is set to start soon. I want you to into the room behind me and get changed into one of the complimentary robes.”

“O-Okay,” You bit your lip as you stepped behind her desk to enter the room.

When you entered, you immediately noticed it was a locker room. It had lockers and shower stalls like at a school along with some changing stalls with a red curtain to hide your dignity. Carefully, you stepped into one of the changing rooms, closing the curtain before taking off the clothes you wore to the dungeon. After you were naked you took off the robe that was hung up on the wall of the stall, taking a careful smell of it to make sure it was clean. The scent of fresh laundry detergent filled your senses and you smiled before sliding the soft material over your body, tying the sash tightly to prevent it from falling open.

You made sure to put your belongings into a locker, memorizing it as locker number 7, before you stepped out of the room. Jieun grinned at you as you stepped out.

“Good, you’re ready!” She smiled, standing up from her chair, waving you to follow her down the hallway until she stopped at one of the last rooms. “Please go inside this room and have a seat, the recording will start soon. Do you have any questions?”

“Um, w-who will I be filming with?” You asked nervously.

“You mean your master?” You nodded in response. “Mr. Jung is your master. He’s perfect for beginners like yourself and he’s a real charmer! You’re in good hands, trust me.”

You thanked Jieun before she opened the door, allowing you to step in. The loud clang of the door seemed final as you stared at the room you were now in. It was completely different from what you expected. Instead of dark walls and concrete floors with scary metal rods everywhere, you were greeted with a calm beige painted wall and soft carpet beneath your feet along with navy blue furniture littering the room in various areas.

You padded across the floor to take a seat on the couch, the plush fabric helping to relax you. As soon as you sat back against the couch to relax, the door opened once again.

“Hello,” A man called, walking in with a bright smile on his face. “My name is Youngjae, and I’ll just be here to record the opening segment of the film, and then I’ll be out of your hair!”

“That’s f-fine,” You muttered, wincing as you stumbled over your words.

Youngjae opened a closet door and pulled out a tripod and a case, which he carried over to where you were situated on the couch. You watched in tense silence as he set up the camera and tripod, so it would face directly at you.

“Okay,” He said, taking a seat on a chair opposite of you. “I’m going to ask you some questions, is that okay?”

“Y-Yeah…” You responded immediately, already feeling awkward before he even pressed the record button.

“Alright,” He reached forward to the camera before announcing ‘action’ and beginning the recording. “Please state your name for the viewers and your age.”

You did as you were told, gaining a smile of encouragement from Youngjae.

“So, what brings you here?”

“Works been stressing me out…so I figured…why not?” You responded, fiddling nervously with the hem of your robe.

“You seem a little nervous, have you ever done anything like this before?”

“No,” You shook your head. “Well, I’ve experimented in BDSM with past boyfriends, but I’ve never done it with a professional or in a…facility.”

“Oh! So, we’re popping your dungeon cherry!” Youngjae laughed gleefully, making your face burn hot at his choice of phrasing.

Youngjae asked you a few more questions before he stood up and bid you goodbye. Once he was gone, the room was filled with an almost deafening silence.

Before you could get too nervous from the overbearing silence, there was a gentle knock on the door. After a second of silence, you replied to come in, causing the door to open.

“Hello!” A man beamed at you, taking your breath away with his sunshine exterior. “I’m Jung Hoseok and I’m going to be your master for this session,”

“O-Oh…” You swallowed thickly, watching as he walked up to you with his hand held out, meeting you in a handshake. “N-Nice to meet you,”

“Likewise,” He said, flashing you a dazzling smile before he took a seat across from you, looking as if he’s done this a million times; which, he probably has. “Now, I’d like to talk to you about your limits and do’s and don’ts. I know you filled out the paper, but I’d like to hear it from your mouth.”

“O-Okay, what do you want to know?” You asked, mentally slapping yourself for stuttering so much.

“How do you feel about restraining, blindfolds, and spanking?” He asked, crossing one leg over the other with an encouraging smile on his face, his black bangs lightly hanging in his eyes.

“Um, I’ve never really tried restraints but I’m open to it, I don’t like blindfolds and I love spanking,” You smiled to yourself for not stuttering.

“I see, I see,” Hoseok paused, seeming to think for a second before asking the next question. “Have you ever done any anal? What over overstimulation?”

“I’ve…never done anal but I really want to and I have dabbled in overstimulation,” You bit your lip, feeling your face heat up from the confession.

“Wonderful,” He grinned, making you blush further at how attractive he was. “I have a scene in mind that’s perfect for you. Now, I want to give you your safeword.”

“Okay,” You replied immediately, giving him your full attention.

“If at any time during the session you feel uncomfortable or something’s wrong, you can use the safeword. You won’t be gagged at any time so you will be able to tell me,” He smiled, standing up and holding his hand out for you to take, which you did with a small smile of your own. “Are you ready?”

“Yes, go ahead,”

“Velvet,” When you gave him a firm nod he shook his head. “I need to hear you say it, darling,”

“V-Velvet,” You breathed, already beginning to feel your body heat up as Hoseok’s demeanor began to change.

“Are you ready to start?” He asked, moving to stand closer to you, reaching up and brushing your hair behind your ear gently.

“Y-Yes…”

“Yes what, kitten?”

“Yes sir…” Your voice trembled as you uttered the words, feeling heat spread through your body as your arousal settled in your stomach.

“Good girl,” He cooed, cupping your face in his palms, gently smoothing his thumbs over your skin. Slowly, he used one hand to untie the sash on your waist, letting the robe fall open to expose your bare body to both his gaze and the cool room. “Can you sit down on the floor for me?”

“Y-Yes sir,” Connecting your eyes with his, you slowly sunk to the floor, the carpeted floor greeting your knees when you finally settled, feeling even more exposed to his gaze now that you were both naked and on your knees at his mercy.

“That’s a good girl,” He gently patted your head before turning around, making his way to a closet.

Your eyes were locked on the way his lithe body moved so confidently. He fished around in the closet for a second before he pulled out a duffle bag. When he made his way back over to you, he placed the bag on the edge of the couch before opening it and pulling out red ties. He briefly showed the material to you before he made his way behind you.

“Put your arms together behind you, please,” He said, voice soft but still commanding.

You quickly brought them to your back, which Hoseok then took and folded them together so it would be comfortable for you but still render you immobile. You immediately felt the cool silk when he began to tie your arms in place. It took you a moment to get your balance when he released you, leaving you to kneel with your arms tied behind you.

“There you go, sweetheart,” He cooed, moving to stand in front of you.

You bit your lip, staring up at him as he began to unbutton his jeans. Your eyes widened when his cock was exposed to your gaze for the first time, making your mouth run dry. He was already hard just from tying you up, and you automatically opened your mouth, resulting in a ‘good girl’ praise from him.

Ever so slowly, he sunk his cock into your mouth, making him moan softly when he was surrounded by the wet warmth of your mouth. Your tongue swirled gently around the head, coaxing a bead of precum from the tip. You moaned at his taste, closing your eyes as you carefully sucked his cock, making sure not to graze him with your teeth as he carefully thrusted in and out, just barely kissing your gag reflex.

“Fuck,” He groaned, tangling his long fingers in your hair. “I knew you were going to be a good girl for me,”

With your mouth full, you were unable to answer, but his praise had your core tingling and you were positive by the end of this you’ll have to drink 50 bottles of Gatorade to make up for the loss of moisture in your body from where it all leaked out to form a puddle on the floor.

Suddenly, he pulled his cock out of your mouth, leaving you to whimper and squirm in a pit of your own arousal. You licked your lips, collecting the string of spit that connected your lips to his cock still, making him moan softly as he wrapped his hand around his cock and pumped it slowly, smearing your saliva all over the shaft.

“Bend over, put your head on the couch for me,” He ordered, roughly grabbing your arm to tug you into the correct position.

Your bare ass and core were exposed to his gaze now as he rounded behind you, still pumping his cock in his hand. He kicked the insides of your thighs, forcing you to spread your legs more until your body weight was supported by holding yourself up by leaning on the couch.

Hoseok released his cock, squatting down behind you. You whimpered softly when his hand cupped one of your cheeks, spreading it to get a good view of your leaking entrance and twitching rosebud. He groaned softly, releasing your cheek only to bring his hand down with a resounding smack that made you whine in shock from the sudden sting.

“God, you have a beautiful ass, babygirl,” He growled, delivering another slap to the same spot, watching the skin jiggle under the impact.

He continued to rain down smacks onto your ass, forcing moans and whimpers from you while he gave growls and praises as you took every slap. Your ass became red, the once apparent handprints becoming blotches of red that appeared all over the skin. Every time he paused to sooth the skin with a gentle hand, the contact made you squirm in place. You were so wet, clenching around nothing as your juices slowly leaked down your thigh and onto the floor. Hoseok hadn’t yet commented on how wet you were and you were filled with embarrassment at the prospect of how he would degrade you once he noticed.

“Dirty girl,” He cooed, standing up once again, making you sigh once all contact with him ceased. Mindlessly, you ground your hips into the air, desperate for some kind of friction on your aching clit. “You want to get fucked, beautiful, is that why you’re dripping all over the place?”

You whimpered in response, biting your lip as your hole clenched pathetically once more. When you didn’t respond, Hoseok grabbed a fistful of your hair, yanking you up to look at him, making you cry out at the shock of pain through your scalp.

“I asked you a question, princess,” He growled, lust-filled eyes burning holes into you the longer he glared at you.

“Y-Yes I wan-want to get fucked so bad, sir!” You cried, barely even aware of the words that left your lips as you were sucked into a haze of arousal.

“There’s a good girl,” He cooed, gently letting you lay back down on the couch. “Since you’re being so good, I’ll fuck you, how does that sound?”

“Y-Yes please Master!” You whined, poking your butt out more when you felt him kneel behind you.

He reached between your legs, his fingers sliding between the swollen, wet lips of your heat to find your clit. You keened immediately, grinding down into his touch only to whine in disappointment when his touch disappeared.

“Fucking soaking cunt,” He growled, sliding the fingers he had just touched you with, which were coated in your juice, into his mouth. “And so sweet too, I’d love to spend all day tasting your little pussy but I really gotta fuck you now,”

With a desperate whine you felt Hoseok’s head prod at your entrance. While you weren’t prepped at all, you knew you were more than wet enough to accept his member all at once. This was proven the moment Hoseok thrusted forward to sheath his entire length into your hole. Once he was fully seated to the base, he paused for a moment to listen to you whimper in pleasure at being filled finally.

His fingers gently caressed down your spine, soothing your whimpers and trembling with his gentle touch. When he was sure you were adjusted to his sudden entrance, he pulled back only to thrust himself back inside you with a loud, wet smack. Your hands, bound behind you, flexed as you desperately wanted something to grapple onto to ground yourself with Hoseok’s cock kissing against your g-spot causing untold pleasure.

“It-It’s so good…Master, please,” You begged mindlessly, feeling tears prick at your eyes at the pleasure.

“Please what, little one,” He asked, leaning over your body, feeling your hands grip at his shirt once it was within reach.

“F-Fuck me…” You whined, squeezing your eyes shut, causing a stray tear to roll down your cheek.

“If that’s what you want, then you’ll get it,”

You whined when he pulled away from you, causing your hands to scramble at nothing for a second before he started fucking you with all he had. You felt your eyes roll back into your head the faster he went, his jeans scraping against the tender skin of your butt only added to all the sensations you were feeling at once. His cock pounded away at your g-spot, and you felt so close to your orgasm, but you were unable to release without the needed stimulation to your clit. Hoseok reached beneath you, both hands cupping your breasts before he pulled you until your back was pressed against his chest and you were standing on your knees.

“God, you’re so fucking wet…and tight…” He growled into your ear, nimble fingers pinching your sensitive nipples.

His filthy words only added to the ever growing unachievable orgasm that dangled in front of you. Hoseok merely chuckled when you your head flopped back against his shoulder, your eyes rolled back into your head as your hole desperately convulsed around his penetrating cock. Your juices flowed endlessly, coating his cock and balls and down your thighs. You were an absolute mess for him, and it was fucking beautiful.

“You wanna cum, huh?” He growled into your ear, only receiving a small whimper from you in response.

He released one of your breasts, wrapping his now free hand around your throat, immediately cutting off your air supply. The way your eyes bulged in shock was humorous to him, making him smirk. Your cheeks slowly became a deeper shade of red as you blindly stared at him while he fucked you. Just as your eyes began to roll back once again, he released your throat, taking in the desperate sound of you gasping for air.

“Now, do you want to cum, slut?!” He growled into your ear once again.

“Y-Yes! Yes, please Master!” You cried, practically sobbing for your release.

“Alright, get down then,” He released you, letting you drop down to the floor with a solid thump, but you barely noticed as you buried your face in the carpet.

You were able to stare between your legs to watch Hoseok’s cock pound in and out of your desperate hole. You were expecting to feel his fingers find your hard little clit, but instead you felt him circling around your other entrance. Your mouth dropped open in a silent moan when he sunk his thumb into the puckered hole, feeling even more full than you ever had before.

Suddenly, you were cumming. The sound of your heart pounding filled your ears, you weren’t aware of anything other than the orgasm wrecking your body. Your walls convulsed helplessly around Hoseok’s thick cock, coating him in your cum and making a complete mess.

As your senses returned to you, you immediately became aware of Hoseok’s groaning and how he was still fucking you without missing a beat.

“Fuck, you came so hard for me, babygirl,” He cooed, pulling his thumb from your ass, only to bring his fingers to your clit, too sensitive for his expert touch.

“Ah! P-Please, I’m too sensitive!” You cried, trying to dislodge his fingers from your bud.

“I’m gonna cum,” He growled, suddenly, the feeling of your walls tightening on him from your oversensitivity causing him to race towards his own end.

With your own sob of pleasure, he yanked himself from your hole, desperately jerking himself off over your body. You were unable to see him, and you wished you could, so you closed your eyes and listened to the way his moans rose in frequency until you felt a hot splash against your rosebud. He slowed his pace on his cock, making sure to milk out every drop of cum until his orgasm came to an end.

You were both panting by the end of it, a calm stillness overtaking the room. However, Hoseok was the first to move, stuffing his softening length back into his jeans before standing up. Ever so gently, he untied your hands, allowing you to sit yourself up.

You were still returning to a solid headspace as you sat there on the floor, feeling sticky but satisfied. You blinked your bleary eyes, finding Hoseok where he was digging through the bag he got the ties from. He pulled out a blue and white package from the bag and found his way back over to you.

“How’re you feeling, beautiful,” He cooed, offering you his brilliant smile once again. This time, you were able to offer him a hazy smile in return.

“I’m okay,” You replied softly, making him chuckle softly.

“I’ve got some baby wipes if you want to wipe down, do you want a bottle of water or candy? Get your sugar up?” He asked softly, keeping his voice level and calm.

“Yes please,” You took the baby-wipes he offered to you and began to wipe down your center and thighs, where the stickiness and wetness was concentrated, while Hoseok went to a mini-fridge to get what you asked for.

After about 30 minutes, you finally felt steady enough to move on your own. You felt like yourself as well, sitting there eating a Snickers and drinking a bottle of water until both were gone.

“It was lovely meeting you, _____,” He said, blushing softly at the relaxed nature of his words despite the fact that he had just fucked you silly not that long ago.

“Y-You too,” You offered before you parted your ways.

Finally dressed in your clothes, you were ready to go. However, you had to fight the blush as you stepped outside once again, worried that everyone would know what you had been up to-even though no one else was around the building at this time of night.

You sighed, getting into your car before your phone went off.

“From: Unknown On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our service at Kink Dungeons?”

With a shy smile, you carefully typed a 10.

[leagueofawesomedudes]

2020 LOAD Week 7 Preview

Alright boys, we’re friggen back. I sat at my computer watching a rant-filled groupme conversation as I flipped back and forth between the 37 tabs of the historical data LOAD spreadsheet when I came to the decision 6 weeks is long enough. No longer will you be deprived of my majestic, dare I say, God-like pen to paper fantasy football previews. That’s right, pucker up your buttholes and be ready to masturbate with your tears of joy, laughter, and distraught as I destroy each and every one of you. No Browns talk, no putting it lightly, no bullshit.

Before I start, TJ we appreciate your commissioning efforts in the 2020 season. This is not in spite, I just really missed the preview articles and is my push to somehow keep them around.

And now back to your regularly scheduled cheek spreading unadulterated fun.

 “Jared, wait for this sick drop” The Injured Reserve (1-5) vs.

“Burg, I think these guys actually want to fuck me” Can’t Guard Mike (3-3)

If Jon’s not ferociously defeating the CoCo (Covid19) or nervously giggling as the Squad guys make questionable sexual advances on him, he’s putting together a solid team. I mean you can’t knock a guy with a 3-3 record when you’ve scored the most points in the LOAD. Buuut I’m going to anyway. Suck it Jon. Casey’s still recovering from drafting Joe Mixon in the first-round last year but I will say has elevated his strive for the playoffs. He even did a trade! Good job man someone had to respond to Dom eventually. Your participation in the Groupme on game days (mostly Monday nights) is welcomed and if you ever schedule a tee time at 7am that doesn’t also require a 2 hour commute I’m totally down. Unless Doug’s there I’m all set on my 401k. Unfortunately for Casey, Jon is returning Michael Thomas after his teammate altercation (HideYoWifeInNawlins?) and looks to earn a playoff spot the old-fashioned way with his record.

Jon > Cholly

 “The Snowman” SheDiggsMyCobb (0-6) vs.

“Why’s the Snowman doing all my coke” Pelting Coopers (4-2)

Bennett as much as I appreciate you on my side of the Kicker argument your record is almost making me want you on the other side. We’ve all seen the “historical” data showing where you stand but you do realize you have to get W’s or you fall behind right? This is what you get for recklessly abandoning your strong stance on a roster full of white players only housing 4 on the roster? And to think we all depended on you. Dom I have to say we all enjoy you a lot more without the bullshit time advantage our previous waiver wire system afforded you. The FAAB system has given us all new found time and sleep on our hands but unfortunately for you has also opened the door to the testing facility every other Wednesday. No one blames you with the LA puh and that hair of yours. Speaking of trade rapes, no one talks enough about the Hunt for Edelman straight up during a tough Browns opener and an extremely intoxicated Chad. Well done sir, whether ethical or not, well done. Bennett stays as defeated as his meat on page 113 of XNXX and counting, and takes the L.

Salami > Benito

“What’d you say you use to slow balding?  My friend was wondering” Dj Play Moore Drake (2-4) vs.

“Bro check it it’s River, like Rocky River, where I live, get it?!?!” jared donovan’s team

 Man, I’ve seen few people more confident than Paul heading into the season. He had the mock drafts, the magazines, the insiders, hell even Reddit! And yet here we are. You all thought I was trade raped but yet here. we. are. Our loving Paul with the closest thing to an unbreakable spirit, almost broken. I do think there’s potential for a rebound this year, but Jared is totally trying now and never was before last year so it won’t happen this week. New house, new puppy, same Jared. Guy throws a moving party on my birthday weekend of all weekends. Just when you think Jared can’t surprise you any more, he gives me an entire day to show off how fucking big I am in front of all my friends. No ladies, your boyfriend is still not bigger than me.  Thanks again dude it was the highlight of my 2020. Jared somehow gets one of the top QB’s in the league AND Darius Slayton for a rookie QB potentially on the rise and he’s in a spot to continue to do some damage in the LOAD. Paul, you’re going to need one of Jared’s 3 hour long showers to recover from this beatdown.

Jerry > Pav

 “I’m not triggered but CEH’s game was undisputedly the 1st game of the year” 2 Younghoes 1 Kupp (4-2) vs.

“Wait I don’t have Wentz anymore?” Under the Influwentz (2-4)

A Mr. Douglas Yeckley is the latest to join the fiancé gang and I personally can’t wait until I hit my annual quota of 1 face to face hang out at the Secret Santa to congratulate him in person. I’m still trying to figure out if he checks his email more than the groupme and actually knows he’s the second-best fantasy manager in the LOAD. Yahoo favors the autodraft, can’t wait to see how he does without it next year :) Sam, Sam, Sam. Trying to determine how I feel about writing this on your birthday. I can hate on your dedication to Fantasy as much as I want, but gosh darnit do I have to respect it. Especially with Ashley calling all of your shots this year. We all know she’s been the brains behind this operation this year. Just wait bud, that spreads into all decisions you make real soon. The old “well her lease is up so it makes sense” is how it alllll starts my friend. Won’t be long until that hair of yours starts to look like mine and Pauls. And just because I always root against you, I’m sticking to my guns.

Fur > Sammy

 “You said she’s 18? Nah too old for me” Street Charks (3-3) vs.

Dad (6-0)

Battle of the daddys. Chad out on the streets, and Shawn in the burb life. I’ve been sitting here trying to determine which one of their kids has a better chance of coming out with a bomber on. History repeats itself so I think we have the answer. It’s not often I’m called a trend setter, but this may be the start. Shawn needs to watch out as Chad’s newly shaved arms not only make him look more jacked, aerodynamic when he fights, but it also packs an extra punch in fantasy. Shawn’s the only remaining undefeated team left, but I feel the walls are closing in on him with some injuries to the roster. Even as he’s reading this Chad’s defending Shawn in his head, and giggling as he hears “Right Shawn?” “No, left Shawn”. Just hoping I can get one random, witty comment from Shawn in the groupme from this and I’ll feel accomplished. You’re upset of the week boys, you heard it here first.

Wardog > Carothers

 ***Game of Ze Week***

“It’s actually classified as hair-thinning, that’s all” Kickers & Defense (4-2) vs.

“Oh yeah? Well my friends all tell me I’m the best commish they’ve ever had” Tony Time (3-3)

 If you thought I was going through all of this trouble to write this and not putting myself as the game of the week you’re dumber than Malik. And with that, I’ll lead into a fan favorite, story time:

It’s a brisk Fall morning amidst a global pandemic but more importantly, fantasy season. The squad members have begun to wake and start their days. It’s Friday, so Solden has already been trying to get the troops going as Chad frantically thinks of things to talk about. A small tickle from his mustache causes Tony to slowly open his eyes, taking in a deep breath as Petey licks his face. It’s a calm 8:45, so he still has time to drink his coffee outside before starting his day. As he scrolls among the 37 groupme notifications he figures, why not download the Yahoo app and see what’s going on. Notifications? Hmm I wonder what that could be. His eyes widen. Mouth drops. Sweat begins to pour as The Darth Vader coffee mug slips from his grasp. *Justin Herbert – Questionable (ribs)* *Dionte Johnson – Out (back)*

*Clyde Edwards-Helaire  – Questionable (Ankle)*. This can’t be he says. I rallied them all yesterday it mustn’t be! These trades were fool proof! He frantically sprints over to the computer as Petey sits next to his empty food bowl. “At a time like this?!? Not now Petey!!!” He repeats in his head chant-like “The spreadsheet will have the answers, the spreadsheet will have the answers” as he frantically logs in. No…   No it can’t be…. He had it saved to the desktop he’d just edited it the night before for 9 hours! Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!

“Tj wake up” He jumps. He checks his mustache to make sure it’s still there. It was just a dream. And all is right in the world again.

Solden > Tj

  What’s that Jon? I can’t hear you with Trumps dick in your mouth. Boom Roasted.

Tj is your full-time job as a Commissioner or at Park Place? Boom Roasted.

Dom a 3 is still a 3 in LA we all see the snaps. Boom Roasted.

Shawn locked yourself out of your house lately? Boom Roasted.

Sam when’s the coronavirus peak coming? Boom Roasted.

Jared it’s going away right after the election, right? Boom Roasted.

Doug I’m not talking about work at Secret Santa. Boom Roasted.

Chad a 3 is still a 3 in Lakewood we all see the snaps. Boom Roasted.

Casey I miss driving you to O’Bleness. Boom Roasted.

Paul I’m writing this while I’m working from home at home. Boom Roasted.  

Bennett I’m writing this while I’m working from home at home. Boom Roasted.

Malik you’re an idiot and can’t read this. Boom Roasted.  

Damn that felt good. Until next time boys. Solden out.

[cosmosogler]

after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble. 

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser. 

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center. 

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority. 

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen. 

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah. 

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight. 

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to. 

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs. 

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that? 

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar. 

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier... 

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.