#and i was rushing to enroll in classes because i did a very late transfer to this school

[treecakes]

also have to email the head of the german department at my school again 😭 give me the prerequisite waiver or i swear i will cry

[halfelven]

if you're wondering why I haven't written anything lately...

I went through my finals week with my Internet barely working + got pushed to once a month for seeing my psychiatrist + cannot find a therapist + left for a different country like two days before omnicron hit + spent hundreds of euros to go see my sister and dragged her heavy suitcase over a km and up seven flights of stairs while sick (chronic not covid. tested), only for her to push me away when I tried to hug her and then set her tiny bag down and then pushed me away again when I tried a second time to take off her not wet coat?, after which she proceeded to ignore me most of the days I was there, going so far as to stay in her room most of the time, and not even just chat with me in the kitchen if I were baking or cooking, only hugged me two other times, and never once asked how I was + made lemon meringue pie and whipped the meringue by hand only to drop the pie going in the oven because the rack was not in the correct way and losing all the meringue that I whipped by hand

+ started for Cairo and had to wait for an hour and a half at the bus transfer station because the bus didn't come and worry about not making my flight + get to the airport and have to go to the basement where it takes over an hour to get checked in for the flight because their systems are down + then rush through security and to the gate in like ten minutes to make this flight to find out that they delayed the flight but didn't tell anyone until old boarding time + get to Cairo and spend two hours trying to pay for the visa because the banks hate euros and the two atms there were broken and they wouldn't take my bank card because it had a different name than my passport and were like um that's fraud because I have two passports with different names on them because the USA still hasn't changed my name yet and I couldn't use my Finnish bank card because I literally had 22 euros in the bank and the visa was 23 + had way more panic attacks than I expected from being in a big city and bothered constantly by men + got stalked by two men in the desert + kept running into the gps system not working on the streets + everything had winter hours but nothing listed winter hours + had such bad anxiety from going to the grocery store I had to keep taking valium + my school wouldn't make it clear if we had in person or online classes + I didn't get enrolled in the classes I wanted so I had to email three teachers three times + two of my bills didn't go through even when I had money to pay them + my mother kept ignoring me even though I sent her Christmas presents + had three essays to write and the last one I followed the guidelines so carefully and today the teacher writes back and says it doesn't follow the guidelines at all because she didn't think that Gon using his full strength and losing his Nen was relevant to the topic of Gon and Kite's relationship showing cycles of abuse by forcing children to be strong at any cost and ignore their own limits and called the images I chose "random" even though they are literally the catalyst of the events of the Chimera Ant arc and then the climax of it?????? + almost missed another flight within the country + had to keep navigating without gps based on my cool ranger skills + have the worst seatmates on two flights + get shouted at for using a disabled toilet even though I have chronic illness very invisible and very much related to needing to use the toilet + feel sick after coming back (not covid) + have to go to the er for it and get admitted to hospital because I have a bad infection + find out that it's two separate bacterias having fun inside of me despite me doing everything right to stay safe + having to have stay in hospital without laptop + find out that the friend group of four I had last term did drop me and become a friend group of three and I have no idea why because they never spoke to me again + the package my friend tried to send me for Christmas got returned to sender + my teacher told me my essay didn't follow the essay guidelines even though I literally went out of my way to follow the guidelines to such detail that I line-read hxh only for her to say it was random images??????? now keep in mind I'm still sick with bacterias and also chronic illness and I found out about friend group, package, and the essay all in the same day today and I have no idea how to even cheer myself up a little bit! and this is following last term which was the term where everything went wrong it became comical. it has shifted now from being comical to being horrid again.

like obviously good things did happen. I saw my friend after three years, went to a new country and continent, just went out into nature all the time to be responsible, saw a desert, saw mangrove trees (new friends!), and banyan trees (new friends!), and saw lots of pyramids, and went snorkelling and saw coral reefs! but the amount of shit that happened means I haven't had a chance to catch my breath. I also didn't visit many of the museums I wanted to see because a.) covid b.) I was having too much anxiety about people to go out alone bc a.) covid and b.) ptsd

and I was so stressed while doing everything nice too because of all the shit and I'm like shall I do anything or shall my depression inflict me because I always feel so unwanted despite the fact that I have friends who seem happy enough that I stay with them because everyone in the country that I live in keeps just silently closing doors on me. I was too stressed to even paint to destress. I don't even know what I do wrong! it's like everything seems fine for two months and then without warning or comment it's over.

okay I'm done I'm just like hmm I tend to have rotten luck and I was already depressed about having no one here who would be happy I had returned and now it's going to be another winter of isolation and I'm already behind on school because I was sick and am still sick

[kireilixie]

Bittersweet Vanilla || Bang Chan

🪐ｓｕｍｍａｒｙ： Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years, but when fate decides to tear you apart, leading you on different paths and different worlds. Will your friendship survive? 

🪐ｐａｉｒｉｎｇ： idol! Bang Chan x swimmer! Reader

🪐ｇｅｎｒｅ： fluff, angsty angst, f2l

🪐ｗｏｒｄ ｃｏｕｎｔ： 22k 

🪐ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ：Reader later on is mentioned to have depression, anxiety and insomnia because of the pressure, so there may be some triggering stuff.

🪐ａｕｔｈｏｒ＇ｓ ｎｏｔｅ： Hello you mar view the preview here, Okay this started out as like late night thoughts with Channie, like fluffy stuff, but then I got distracted and began writing this :( I had even forgotten I had this drafted in my laptop because of how busy I got with school so here it is. I hope you guys like it! I’d like to thank @lavenderlattaes​ for helping me out with this fic and helping me with the edits and criticism :) also to @smileylino​ for hyping me out cuz idk why but writing this emotionally drained me :( 

 i. 

Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years. Walking to the small parlor a few blocks near both your neighborhoods, you both would drop by to try what new flavor was available. While you swore you’ve seen Chan devour with that bottomless pit of a stomach of his every single flavor the parlor had and mixing it up every single time you visited, you preferred to stick with your classic vanilla. 

Every time you visit, Chan asks why you bother with the simple flavor every single time, not bothering to try other flavors you’d always reply the same way not really bothering to explain your affinity with the simple flavor. “It’s what I like, It’s comfortable.” 

And he too would always reply the same way. “Why not try other flavors, go out of your comfort zone once in a while?” 

You never knew how to respond to his question, you would often dodge it with a shrug or by blatantly changing the topic. 

♡ ❤ ♡

This tradition of yours had begun the summer before your middle school, moving a lot at a young age it had been quite difficult for Chan to get settled in, with his distinct features, he barely fit in. Which is why he found himself once again in the corner of his new school’s swim club unsure of how to apply and whom to approach.

His eyes wandered around, scanning the different children doing laps and others warming up. Swimming was not something he had always enjoyed, though it made his father happy to see that he excelled at it hence why he had chosen to continue, he too had admitted it would be a shame not to. 

“Oi, newbie what are you doing here?” The smaller boy flinched at the loud voice, as the owner of said voice approached him. Here we go again the seven-year-old boy thought.

“I c-came t-to a-apply for the swim club.” The boy managed to softly stutter out, his eyes downcast, feeling intimidated by their difference in size.

“And at your puny size, ya think ya can swim fast-”

“Oi, why don’t ya shut up Jacob? A big dumb bully like yourself can’t beat me and here you are trying to scare the newbie being all talk. Why don’t you stop wasting your time picking on new people and actually spend it practicing and actually trying to improve your times.” Chan widened his eyes as he turned to the female voice that had interrupted the boy’s intimidation.

He was shocked to see a girl around his age, twirling her goggles around her fingers as she approached, Jacob, as she had called him, and his crew that currently surrounded the smaller boy.

Jacob, quite flustered with the unknown girl’s statement, attempted to come up with a good comeback but failed to do so as he muttered, “I’m telling you on my mom for calling me dumb.” As he and his lackeys’ runoff.

“What’s your mum’s gonna do about it? Kick me out of the team?” The smaller girl scoffed as the boys rushed off to the other side of the pool.

Chan chuckled at that, noting the confident air the girl carried, she introduced herself, (Y/N) (L/N) he had learned that day, specialized in free where he specialized in butterfly. At the revelation, her eyes glowed in excitement as she tugged the smaller boy towards her father.

“Dad! He swims butterfly! He can complete the relay!” Chan observed, fascinated by the complete 180 in her vibe, wherein earlier she had carried with confidence and sophistication to intimidate the boys, but here she is trying to gain her father’s attention, bouncing in excitement. “We can finally have a relay!”

Finishing his conversation on the phone, her father turned to the pair raising an eyebrow at her daughter’s excitement. Bending down to their height the older man asked for Chan’s name, to which he replied a soft ‘Christopher Bang’ at this the older man’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re that boy that broke the record for the 50 m freestyle swim! Your dad called me earlier to inform me that you had transferred here and wanted to join, here fill this up and (Y/n) here can show you your lockers and the shower rooms to change.” 

“Really! What’s your time?! Ugh, I hope it’s not faster than mine.” You had frowned at him, enthusiasm replaced by competitiveness at the information he had broken a record in your specialty. “Come on go change, then we race. Loser has to buy ice cream.”

It was the first time you lost to someone but oddly enough it felt exhilarating to have someone to finally compete with. 

♡ ❤ ♡

As your duo grew up, Chan began to carry himself with confidence through his swimming, with the medals he bagged and the grades he worked hard for, he began to build up a reputation in school as a diligent student. 

And wherein you, were proclaimed as a swimming prodigy, bringing glory to your school and country as a phenomenal swimmer. That’s when the recruitment and scouting began, different schools sending in their best representatives in an attempt to recruit you for their team, but you chose to decline them all so that you could keep your little happiness with your best friend.

And despite the hectic schedules you both had, you stuck to one another. It was that comfort you found with Chan. You would throw all your accomplishments and the path your father had set out for you in a heartbeat if Chan wished for it. You’d do anything and everything to stay by his side. 

And that upset your father greatly, hence why you chose to spend more time in the Bang Residence rather than your own. The arguments your parents would have, made it all the more an excuse to avoid your own household, you were grateful that Chan’s mother, had been completely understanding with the situation after an incident where you had arrived one evening, drenched by the rain and sobbing. You had collapsed in Chan’s arms the moment he opened the door. 

Despite the problems within your household, Chan always found a way to make you happier to distract you from your worries. It was around your middle school when you noticed Chan’s passion for music, and his family was blessed with talent. It was as if when god had been showering talents, and they had been there at the right time and place.  You knew he took some singing classes and played instruments here and there, but you hadn’t realized his passion had been deeper than expected, you hadn’t expected this burning desire within him to pursue it as a career.

“(Y/n), What are you going to be when you grow up?” He had asked you during one of your trips to the ice cream parlor, digging into his salted caramel ice cream. 

The question caught you off guard. What did you want to do? Eyes downcast you began to find the vanilla ice cream, the simple and plain flavor comforting as always, interesting as you picked at it. “I’ll probably continue swimming, that’s what my dad wants.” 

“Yeah that's what your dad wants, but what do you want? Like I want to do something with music! I want to use it as a platform to spread messages, to help people find comfort in music the way I do.” He had looked so bright, so gleeful, like a star so far and out of reach.

“Oh, that’s amazing Chris. Though I really don’t know what I want to do.” How you wish you were just as passionate as Chan, wishing you could break through your comfort zone to chase after the one thing you loved the most.

“Then I’ll help you find something, something you’ll come to love the way I do with music.” Maybe at that time, I had found something to love, maybe I just didn’t know it yet. “But if you love swimming, then you’ll be the greatest swimmer in the world, you’ll be an Olympic medalist!” He raises his ice cream cup as a toast, you clink yours with him, smiling at how happy he looked. 

Chan was your north star, no matter which direction the universe spun, he remained unwavering, shining bright and leading you to home, him, your comfort.

♡ ❤ ♡

It all collapsed as you both graduated middle school. 

Both in your togas and diplomas, he swung your interlocked hands, as you approached his parents and mother. Taking a few pictures together, and just enjoying the bliss and exhilarating atmosphere, how you wish you could stay this way forever. 

Your father hadn’t bothered to show up, though he did text you a small congratulations note and had sent some flowers, with your parents finalizing their divorce papers he had moved out of the house a few months ago.

Your pictures are interrupted as a tall man in a suit taps you on the shoulder to get your attention. He smiles politely before introducing himself as a representative for Griffith University, congratulating you on your graduation and handing you a bouquet as well as an envelope to complete your enrollment. He also thanks you for accepting their scholarship, saying that their Head Coach had personally invited you into their swim program.

Griffith University was very exclusive, you couldn’t get in unless you’re invited by their head coach or the assistant coach. The university had claimed the greatest amount of student-athletes that who had participated in the Olympics. Their swimming head coach was Michael Bohl, and many of his students had competed in the Olympics and garnered gold. This was big, though you never recall getting an offer, or even accepting. 

But you hadn’t applied. You had been determined to continue junior high school with Chan, so you hadn’t made any applications to any of the sports schools you had been recruited by. This must be your father’s doing, and before you could decline the man’s envelope and bouquet, Chan envelopes you in a hug, enthusiastic about having the biggest swimming institute in Australia recruit his best friend and offer her a scholarship nonetheless. 

Aren’t you sad? If I accept this I would have to leave your side. 

The man decides to give you two some space, smiling as he says he would be updating and waiting for your enrollment. Like hell, would I choose that over my best friend. I better confront dad about this. You decide to throw his bouquet later on and delete his messages. You head off towards the Bang Residence for dinner to celebrate your graduation. 

Dinner with the Bangs was always comforting, and the family banters had been very different from the isolated dinners you had in your household. Chan wouldn’t stop bringing up your recruitment and scholarship going on and on about how you’ll take on the Olympics and represent your country. His parents had been thrilled repeatedly congratulating you and saying you earned and deserved it.

Has he not realized this would separate us? Chris can be so oblivious sometimes. 

After dinner you decide to take a walk to have some ice cream at the familiar parlor you frequented ever since becoming friends and after you had lost to him the first time you met. 

Sitting down you both order, asking for your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream, Chan picks the mint chocolate chip which was their special for the week. He’s silent all of a sudden, fixing you with a serious gaze he takes in a deep breath. It made you uneasy all of a sudden as if whatever he would say next would change your fate.

And it did. 

“Y/n remember when I said I wanted to make music?” He asks fiddling with the spoon, nervous which was a rare sight for the charismatic boy.

You humm in response allowing him to continue. “Well my parents and I made a deal, they would allow me to live in South Korea as a trainee, as long as I got into a good company. And well I got in, you’re now looking at the latest Australian trainee of JYP Entertainment. I leave next month!” He points to himself with his thumb, smiling and giddy to hear your response. 

Korea as in Korea within Asia? That's 6828 kilometers away! 

“(Y/n), are you alright? You’re not saying anything, is something wrong.” Without noticing you had turned your head down, allowing your hair to create a curtain between you two. He reaches out to tuck your hair behind your ears and is met of your tear-stained cheeks. “You’re crying.” He says, unsure of what to say and what made you upset. “Are you not happy I got in.”

“No, I'm happy! You’re finally getting what you dreamed of! You’re going to be amazing Chris. I’m crying because of how happy I am for you.” You’re leaving me here all alone with no one. You’re going to be living 6828 kilometers away, in a foreign country when we barely turned 14. I want to be happy for you but why does this hurt so much. “ I just don’t know what to say.” You really didn’t.

You get up all of a sudden wiping your tears unable to control your emotions, you run out the door your vanilla-flavored ice cream long forgotten. 

You run and run, till your legs feel numb and you struggle to catch your breath. You ignore Chan's confused calls for you to come back, but you knew in your heart you couldn’t face him like this. With your emotions in disarray, you feared what you said to him had hurt him, what you would say if you definitely did not take the time off to cool your head would have definitely hurt him. 

Once you reach the doors of your house, you let yourself into your room. Grabbing the nearest pillow you sob into it, you scream into the pillow, wailing as you pour your emotions into it your heartthrobs in pain, heavy with your emotions. 

ii.

You ignore Chan for the next few days, worried, his mother had phoned you a few days ago, knowing you didn’t really have anyone to talk to you poured your heart out to her. Understanding, she decided to give you some space from Chan, even going to further lengths to change your training periods.

Sitting in the booth of your frequented ice cream parlor you play with the contents of your ice cream cup, the bitter coffee almond ice cream you munched on with delight, you had not been expecting a sweet aftertaste. But maybe this was it, where your paths must diverge. You decide to call your dad about the enrollment, you also decide to send Chan a text. 

                                                                                                       Orca (Y/n) 💌  

                                                                I’m at the parlor, come over I’ll treat you.

Bangaroo  💌

Sure, I’ll be there in five minutes.

♡ ❤ ♡

It doesn’t take him long to arrive, though you wondered if he had run here, his clothes disheveled along with his hair. Luckily the ice cream you had ordered for him managed to stay cool with the help of the air-conditioned room, you had gotten him their weekly special NY cheesecake. Taking a seat in front of you his eyes nearly bulge off of his head as he notices your finished ice cream, the warm brown color of the coffee almond contrasting the usual white of your vanilla ice cream.

“That’s different.” He mutters confused but happily munches on his ice cream.

“It’s a risky change, I must admit.”

“It is, did you like it?”

“I did.”

“That’s good.” 

The short responses between the both of you bother you both, it was different which you would admit was inevitable, you had ignored him for the week.

“I leave in two weeks.” 

“I know.” You pause to meet his eyes, tired and red-rimmed, most definitely like yours. His eyes held so many emotions, lingering with disappointment and hurt. "I'm sorry Chan, for running out on you like that, my emotions were too much and I really needed to be alone even for just a bit." It made you feel sick, seeing him so sad especially when you had caused all this.

"You could've told me. I would understand. I would do anything and everything to make you happy." If I were to ask from you the one thing that would make me happy it would be too selfish of me. 

"Chan you don't have to understand why I'm so hurt, why I want to be selfish. Understanding me would only lead to you wavering from making your decisions and ultimately holding you back. And I can't ever let that happen, you've been waiting for this your whole life." And if it really makes you happy, I won’t take that happiness from you. “You’re going to be amazing, I know it.” You reached for his hands, callused from playing instruments and making music, such hardworking hands, you squeezed his hands in reassurance. 

“So two weeks huh? Guess we’ll have to make the most out of it.” You smiled at him, trying to reassure him that everything was going to be alright. But no matter how you tried to reassure him with your actions, your thoughts clashed with one another. 

“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to.” He softly rubs his thumb against your knuckles.

♡ ❤ ♡

The next two weeks had you practically living with Chan’s family, trying to spend as much time with him. You both trained for the last swim meet you would be participating in together, time seemed to pass quickly, you hated it. Though you knew within your heart it would’ve been worse if you had decided not to reconcile with Chan, it would've just added to your long list of regrets.

You both tried to pretend he wasn’t leaving in the next few days, that you wouldn’t be able to see one another in the next few years and maybe the next few days would be the last you’ll see each other. Neither of you had any idea what fate had in store for you both and you could only hope. 

The swim meet came much faster than expected, you were buzzing with excitement as you entered the building. Chan, on the other hand, was nervous at this being his last swim meet, he hoped he could make this as memorable as possible. Though you never say it, Chan knew you loved swimming despite as much as you try to make it out that you only did it for your dad. 

He sees you glow the moment you step into the pool, he knew he made the right decision by sending in your application for Australia’s best swim school. And as much as it hurt him to leave you, he needed to see you grow, to become independent, and to make your own choices for yourself.

He loved the confidence that you had as you walked into the competition hall, ignoring all whispers about you, turning heads at the mention of your name. You have been destined to reign the competitive world of swimming, and he knew he wasn’t as good as you were to reign alongside you. He had accepted that a long time ago.

He walks with you to the locker room to prepare and change, trailing a few steps after you. Observing the looks of awe and surprise as swimmers, younger and older couldn’t help but respect your skill.

You turn to him gripping your gym bag tightly, which he had offered to carry but had been rejected along the lines of you saying that you were a woman that could carry your own belongings or something like that. “Well, I’ll see you later, wish me luck.” You raise your fist to his to-do your signature good luck handshake before every competition. The handshake brought you a lot of reassurance and strength, taking away any insecurities. 

You grin at him one last time, turning at your heels to enter the room, but before you take another step, he pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you tightly, your hands awkward by your sides, unsure of whether to hug him back. “You don’t need luck, go wreck them.”

You scoff at his words, finally deciding to wrap your arms around his shoulder. “Of course see ya later Bangaroo.” 

Up in the stands Chan observes you as you take your positions on the starting block, he smiles to himself as he sees you wearing the goggles and swim cap he had gifted you at your last birthday, he had saved for it the whole year to surprise you with your favorite swimming brand. You had teared up at the gift, before smacking him for the times he had complained every time you invited him to the parlor.

He had never seen you wear the cap and goggles at practice, you had told him you had to save the luck for competitions. He had asked you to explain though you brushed off the statement by pushing him into the pool. 

“It’s nice to see you here, isn’t this your last meet?” Chan blinks in surprise as the older man takes a seat beside him joining him to observe his daughter. 

“Coach (L/n)..” Chan pauses unsure of what to say, the last he had spoken to your father was when he had asked for your father’s help, convincing him to accept the scholarship in your stead. 

“She’s still as amazing as ever.” Your father whispers in awe more to himself rather than Chan. “I was surprised you know, you convinced me to accept the scholarship which she had declined again and again to stay by your side. She put up a good fight for you, you know. I’m even surprised she called me herself that she’ll be accepting the offer.”

The older man stands up all of a sudden patting him on the shoulder, “Well good luck, and thank you for giving her that push. Give her a hug for me later on.” Chan’s surprised by the time your father leaves is just in time you finish the swim, realizing you had already won, he sees you waving at him with a big grin highlighting your features. 

You looked so beautiful that he knew he made the right choice. He waves in return throwing you a thumbs up before he starts heading toward the locker rooms to prepare. He’s stunned by your father’s words, he knows in his heart he made the right decision, and he knows he shouldn’t let this bother him, especially when he’s about to compete. 

He steps into the starting block, slipping on his goggles, snapping it against the back of his head to erase any of his worries. Lastly, he’s putting on his swim cap. Taking deep even breaths, it’s his last swim. Chan wants to make this as memorable as possible.

He closes his palm clenching it, testing to see how shaky and nervous he was, only to see that it isn’t that bad. His heart rate isn’t so accelerated either. They’re given the signals to take their positions. And Chan is surprised there are no unpleasant jitters in his stomach.

Chan reacts to the beep,  kicking off the starting block and then diving into the waters, he feels the pull of gravity just as he surfaces to take his first breath. Rotating from his shoulders, he paces his breathing for the first lap to maintain his stamina. Though once he approaches the end, he gives a powerful kick to the touchpad turning as he accelerates. In the last lap, he pushes himself to go faster, erasing all thoughts and worries. He reminds himself that this is his specialty, the one style in swimming you couldn’t beat him at. He’s slipping his goggles and swim cap before he even realizes he won. 

It’s the first time Chris places gold. And it feels exhilarating, he feels so happy he could cry. He sees you in the stands, grinning and he’s sure he mirrors your grin. 

You take a few pictures after, promising to treat him to ice cream just in time his parents invite you to a trip to the beach for his last day in Australia. On your way home, his parents drop you both off at the ice cream parlor. You give Chan the money and the choice of ordering for you, once he asks whether you want the usual you tell him to surprise you.

And he does, he brings you your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream. You raise an eyebrow at him curious for the reasoning behind it. “It’s your favorite.” He simply says.

You sit in silence, soaking up the comfortable atmosphere trying to let the events that happened today sink in. More scouts had approached you today for an offer and all that, to which you politely listened to despite already having accepted an offer. 

“You know despite knowing you for a long time, I have never heard you sing.” You admit to him which makes him flush in embarrassment, you’ve seen his audition video and heard him hum from time to time but full out singing never. You were always either swimming, playing a few video games or studying with him.

“You’ve seen the audition video.” He argues.

“That doesn’t count!.” You giggle as he tries to avoid your teasing gaze.

“Oh well, then I’ll sing for you tomorrow. Let’s head back and we have a long day tomorrow.” Our last day tomorrow.

iii.

The drive to the beach was spent with Chan's parents singing different songs both in Korean and English, it was really nice seeing them like this. You weren’t exactly sure whether Chan remembered your request, you were hoping he did. Observing them you try to recall the times your parents were like this, knowing that you would never have times like these with your own family.

You arrive a little bit after noon and the moment the car comes to a stop, Chan bursts out the door hopping in excitement as he attempts to drag you towards the direction of the beach. Chan's parents had booked a cottage for you to stay in as you would be heading to the airport the next morning, with Chan’s luggage in the trunk reminding you that this is real, he would be leaving tomorrow and you’re unsure whether you’d see him again.

You try not to let your thoughts bother you as much, as Chan practically dragged you to where you’d be staying, his mother and father leading you both. Chan was practically glowing under the sun’s rays, you found it adorable how excited he was. Not that you’d admit that to his face. 

You both left your stuff in the cottage, letting his parents set up the bonfire for dinner and some smores and allowed you to go swim. You changed into your swimsuit, Chan rushing you as he was already wearing his swim trunks on. “You’re taking so long (Y/n)~” 

“I’m out, I’m out.” You chastise him, pretending to be irritated with him despite your eyes twinkling with amusement. The moment you step out the bathroom door, he’s tugging on your hand and rushing towards the direction of the soft sand. 

Dodging multiple tourists and fellow Australians, you giggle as Chan almost runs into a tall male he quickly apologizes, with the man chastising him for not being careful. The weather was amazing for a swim, the waves not too strong and dangerous, the water was an amazing shade of blue inviting you to take a dip, you see a few surfers up ahead, enjoying themselves.

“You okay? You’ve been dazed for the last few days.” He waves a hand in front of you concerned whether something was wrong.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Come on!” You tug him towards the waves, shrieking as the cool waters hit you. You splash him with the water, accidentally getting some of the saltwater into your eyes he laughs at you, his eyes crinkling into little crescents.

You spend the next few hours playing in the sea, the crystal blue sea so beautiful and captivating it makes you giddy as you swim with Chan, having a few races here and there being cautious not to go too deep. 

Enjoying yourself you float on your back, admiring the view of the blue sky when suddenly it seems too quiet. Planting your feet into the grainy sand, Chan is gone, it fills you with dread with him being out of sight, you yell out his name telling him to stop playing. 

Just when out of nowhere, something tugs at your feet causing you to plunge into the sea, breathing in some of the saltwater, you resurface as quickly as possible as Chan comes into view, grinning innocently with his dimples prominent. He lets out a soft “Boo” letting you smack him scolding him for giving you a scare

“I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t.“ He presses his chin against your shoulder tickling you before he continues to whine. “You loooveee me.” At this you flush, you're not sure why but you feel your heart skip a few beats. 

You avoid his curious brown eyes, teasing as he hugs you from behind apologizing. “You owe me a song and some ice cream.” You pout, furrowing your eyebrows as you cross your arms. 

“Okay~ Come on let’s go eat first, then we’ll buy some.”

♡ ❤ ♡

Dinner passes quickly and comfortably with the Bang family as you eat around the bonfire grilling some seafood and meat, Chan’s mother teaches you how to eat Ssambap, the Bang family teaches you some of the common vocabularies they use. 

“So you call an older sister Noona?” You ask after swallowing your Ssambap listening as they teach you how they address one another.

“Well Noona and Hyung are used by a younger boy to address an older girl and boy respectively, meanwhile, Oppa and Unnie are used by a younger girl to address an older boy and girl,” Chan explains grinning at your pronunciation and at how cute you looked as your brows furrowed in concentration.

“Ahh, but you can only use these to address your siblings?” 

“Well not necessarily-”

“Then you’re my Oppa!” Chan flushes a bright red hue at your statement at this you tilt your head in confusion at his flushed features highlighted by the warm glow of the bonfire, it highlights the specks of brown in his dark eyes. “Did I pronounce that wrong?”

“Well, now it’s just that Oppa is often used by people in a relationship as an endearment to the male it's like babe.” Chan’s mother interjects your conversation, smiling at seeing his son flustered.

“Oh.”

“Well we’ll be taking a walk around, you two enjoy yourselves.” Finishing clean up, the married couple leaves hand in hand giving you the space you needed. 

Chan stands to grab the ice cream from the cooler, two small pints, both being mango swirl. He passes you the pint and then he reaches behind him, pulling out a ukulele which you definitely had not noticed had been behind him. 

“You wanted to hear me sing so here I go.” He sends you a sheepish grin before he begins to strum the ukulele, you immediately recognize Jason Mraz’s song. His voice sounded so soft and sweet, singing the lyrics of the song.

“But I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing

We are just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours” 

 At the age of fourteen, you’re pretty sure you have no idea what loving someone is like, loving them romantically rather than platonically. You’re unsure whether it's the lyrics of the song, Chan’s accent, or his voice, the sweet honeyed melody he lets out, it almost reminds you of your comforting vanilla ice cream after a hot summer day, refreshing and relaxing. The song makes you wonder what’s it like falling in love, being special to someone, being loved, and is important to someone.

By now you’re pretty sure that Chris’s your home, your warmth, and your happiness. Though you’ve realized that you can’t keep depending on him like this, you have to find your own way. Observing him, you see how he glows under the bonfire’s light, it highlights his dimple, it seemed natural how he held the ukulele as if he were destined to make music. And maybe he was.

 By the time he finishes the song, you’ve become quiet and it scares him. He’s unsure why but he’s always found your opinion important to him, the criticisms you give when he’s swimming he constantly applies in order to gain your approval. 

“Hey? You okay?” You’ve been out of focus for the past few days and it worried him.

“Hmm. Oh yeah, you sound really good, Chris, you’re going to be amazing I know it.” You smile softly, repeating the statement you’ve always said to reassure him and his insecurities. Though you meant it genuinely, Chris was amazing no matter what he was doing, whether it was sitting in class paying attention to a math problem, or asking for your opinion in his swimming, or just talking to you. He was meant to be amazing.

“I have something to say-”

“I need to tell you something-” You both mutter in unison, before pausing in realization and giggling.

 Chris gestures for you to go first so you continue, “Well, I accepted the scholarship, my dad enrolled me so I’m flying to Canberra in a few days and my dad says he’ll live with me for a while as he got a teaching offer there too.” You pause unsure whether it's the right time to let him know this before deciding you’d rather have no regrets with him. “My dad told me you convinced him to enroll me there.”

“Wait let me explain-” 

“I was hurt, really really hurt. It was as if you were pushing me away. Though later on, I was thankful, really thankful, I needed this. And trust me there’s no way I would be able to bring myself to hate you, Chris. I just needed to get that off my chest.” You hadn’t noticed you had begun tearing up again before he reaches to wipe the tears on your cheek with his thumb.

“I’m sorry, that we have to separate like this. I’m thankful for everything we’ve been through and for meeting you. So I got you this.” He pulls out a paper bag behind him once more. How is he even hiding all these? Inside is a box, you peer at him curiosity tickling your heart. He nudges at you to open it and once you do you find a beautiful necklace inside it, a whale’s fluke as a charm. 

“I hope you like it! It reminded me of you-” Before he could even continue you pulled him into a hug, by this time you’re full out crying unto his shoulder. Sobbing your tears begin to soak his shirt, but he doesn’t let it bother him, instead he hugs you tighter, burying his face into your hair, biting his bottom lips as he attempts to hold back his tears.

“I love it, Chris, it’s gorgeous. Though I’m really really going to miss you! It’s going to be different not swimming with you anymore, not going to the parlor to get ice cream, teasing you for how much you eat, letting me win video games, who’s going to teach me math!? If I weren’t good at swimming the teachers wouldn’t be so patient with me!” Everything comes out rushed as she clutches onto him, trying to let out her fears. Your body shook with sobs and tears tore through his gut, twisting with guilt. “I don’t want you to leave, honestly, but it makes you so happy, music makes me happy so who am I to take your happiness-” This causes his own onslaught of tears and emotions.

“I don’t want to show it but I’m terrified! I’m going to miss you, and everything’s going to be different and new. I’m scared I won’t have any friends there. You have to promise me you’re not going to forget me even when you’re winning all those medals, you have to promise me you’ll come to visit me when you have competitions in Korea. I’ll buy you all the vanilla ice cream in the world if I have to!” Chan’s own set of sobs catches you off guard, his lips trembling.

“What! I’d never forgotten you if anyone’s forgetting me it’s you! How am I going to deal with an Idol best friend!” You yelp exasperated at his claim, you give him a squeeze, rocking back and forth as you try to calm yourselves. “I wanted to give this tomorrow, but well you already gave me your gift so I guess I’ll give you mine.” You pull out the box from your bag, you had used the money you got from your dad as a birthday gift and also some the allowance you get as an athlete to save for this. You had also asked his mom for help in choosing for the gift, not being that knowledgeable in music, you hadn’t known what to get him so you bought him a pair of Bluetooth headphones. 

“This is expensive, how did you afford this?” Sniffling he wipes at his tears looking with you with wide eyes, shocked and astonished. He had been saving up for this pair of earphones for a long time though he had set it aside to buy the necklace knowing that this could be the last time he could see you.

“I think you underestimate the allowance I receive for being an athlete.” You grin at him shrinking under his intense gaze. 

“Have I told you I love you?” huh? You’re not sure whether it’s from the rush of emotions or whether he really meant it so out of stupidity your reply.

“Yeah me too. Well, I’m gonna go observe the sea now haha-” 

“(Y/n)! You can’t shrug this off. I mean it!” Chan pulls you back to take a seat next to him, his eyes twinkling with so much passion, you’ve never seen him look at you like this. You never knew a set of eyes could hold so much emotion. “I know we’re young and I’m leaving tomorrow but I really needed to let you know that-”

You give him a soft peck on the lips, hushing all his unnecessary thoughts. Smiling as you part from him. “Think of this as a promise and also because I don’t think I can handle any Korean girls way prettier than me taking your first kiss.”

“Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about hot swimmers taking yours.” He retaliates.

He’s about to say something else but his parents call you both, telling you to head to bed knowing you’d have to leave early for Chan’s flight. He says nothing else as he fixes up the mats and your bags, tossing the forgotten and untouched mango ice cream back into the coolers saving it for another occasion. 

Thankfully that night, sleep comes easy. 

♡ ❤ ♡

The next morning you’re at the airport to drop off Chan and his mother at the airport, luckily there are no more tears as you bid him farewell. Just a tight hug and a forehead kiss, no promises are made that morning. The next week you’re leaving as well, and off you both go for a better future.

iv.

As Chan toured the group around Sydney, he had felt very giddy to be finally home after so many years being spent training in Korea. Sneaking glances at his members as they neared his home, he chuckled at their curious expressions trying to guess where Chan was bringing them next. 

Stopping at their destination, Chan turned to his members to a grin, announcing they had arrived at their final destination. Glancing at one another in confusion the members attempted to question where they were but were interrupted with the front door opening to reveal the leader’s parents, immediately embracing their son in a warm hug.

They welcomed the boys giving them a small tour of the house as they explored where Chan had grown up. The boys were quite amazed at their leader’s achievements not only academically but especially in his swimming, Chan’s father inviting them to visit his swim club if they had time.

Hyunjin paused at a picture that had both Chan and a young girl showing off their medals, both gold. They both had bright grins with their arms thrown over each other’s shoulders.

 “Hyung, who’s this?”

“Ah, one of my childhood friends.” The older smiled as he began to reminisce how they had met.

Chan’s mother called them over for dinner, the boys finding their places around the table. Chan sighed softly, enjoying the atmosphere as they finished up filming necessary parts for their show. The group made small talk with Chan’s parents asking how they were doing and their plans for the upcoming days.

Chan’s father opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted as Berry, the family’s King Charles Spaniel, began barking excitedly as the front door opened, and was followed by a soft. “Uncle, Auntie I’m back.”

This caused several confused heads to turn towards the entrance, curious to see who had arrived. Chan’s mother proceeded to call her informing the girl that they were in the back. 

“How was training dear, are you hungry? I saved you some food, and please tell me you aren’t working yourself to the bone.” Chan’s mother continued in English confusing some of the boys.

“Me overworking? Where’d you hear that.” Finally stepping into the back, the boys had noticed Chan had gone silent. Eyes watery as he refused to believe that you were here physically, the last he had seen you were three years ago.

“Thank you so much, auntie-” Finally realizing the number of visitors in the house your eyes landed on the blonde, blinking and eyeing what had become different last you saw him. Your eyes watered at the sight of your best friend in the flesh, your emotions hit you like a train.

Before you could say anything else, you were engulfed in a hug, finding comfort in how he seemed to cover your body, his larger one providing security and warmth. It took you a while to realize that his tears had begun to wet your shoulder as you buried your face into his shoulder muffling your sniffles. Pulling away you held his face, wiping his tears as he did with yours. “You’re here, actually here.” 

“I think you need a room, you two” You both chuckled as Chan’s father reminded you that you weren’t the only ones present.

“Wait, that's (Y/n) (L/n) Australia's Individual Medley Gold medalist!” Hyunjin gasps in realization as he clicks his fingers in excitement. Chan chuckled at your confused expression still continuing to wipe your tears, softly explaining what the younger boy had said to you in English.

Turning to your extended family, you asked them if this had been planned. “Actually, not really, it may or may not have happened merely due to good timing, as you rarely come back early from training.” Chan’s dad explained as he stared fondly at the reunited friends, happy to see his son genuinely happy.

Chan then turned to introduce you to his friends, squeezing your intertwined hands in reassurance. Then explaining why Hyunjin had recognized you, was because of his background in swimming. You nodded in understanding then giggled as the younger boy proceeded to talk confidently in English, amazed at his accent. 

“I’m such a big fan” He had told you, proceeding to shake your hand and bow a few times, eyes wide in surprise.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Hyunjin-ssi?” Chan was surprised by your pronunciation and nodded in approval at how you addressed Hyunjin carefully.

The night continued as the younger boys shared their stories of their country, the bright atmosphere hiding the suffocating tension between you and your former best friend. Despite the happy reunion you had just shared with one another, the mixed emotions from the conversation you had a few years back, began to resurface. 

♡ ❤ ♡

You had visited Korea a few years back, but only to attend your Father’s wedding to a Korean woman. Your parents had divorced a few years back and the sudden marriage of your father to another under the short time had not surprised you as he had known the woman even as he was tied to your mother.

Usually, when you felt down you tried to seek a body of water you could swim in, but as aforementioned father had introduced you to swimming it would only remind you of him, making you feel sick to the stomach.

Walking down a few streets, it took you a while to realize you were actually lost. Seeing as your phone had died out, having no means to contact your father nor find your way back.

And just your luck, it had begun to rain, so you rushed to enter the first cafe you find. And in your haste you bump into a taller male, causing the notebook he was holding to clutter across the floor, the male softly muttering something probably in Korean only fueling your confusion.

“I’m sorry” You muttered back in English, not caring if he had understood. You cursed your luck that day, the heavy emotions brewing in your head as you assisted the taller male. 

Not noticing that after hearing your voice, the male’s head had snapped to look at you, eyes widening in surprise. “(Y/n)?” He had asked to confirm if it was really you.

At the mention of your name, this had given you the opportunity to scan his head to toe. Well as best as you could in his crouched form. “Chris?”

Despite the bright atmosphere of the cafe, it did nothing to alleviate the heavy emotions that clouded the two teenagers. Looking back, you could really admit that you were happy to see him, though after explaining why you were in Korea, the male drowned in guilt. 

You had called him thrice the day you received the news that your parents were getting a divorce. 

He had received none of these calls.

I sent him a letter to explain and confide in him about your frustrations, and said letter had accidentally been thrown out by a staff member after he had misplaced it. 

Chan messed up he knew that, but there were times that circumstances like these could not be prevented. He felt upset with himself, being unable to be there for you when you needed him most.

“Sometimes I wish you never left, you could’ve stayed, we could’ve dominated swimming together.” You had softly whispered to him as tears began to well up again, the loud thoughts in your head becoming too much as they pulled at your insecurities to open up to the younger boy about your problems.

“I wish you could’ve picked up the moment I called, but asking for your time and attention would be a tad bit too selfish wouldn’t it. These wishes of mine would be too cruel and selfish of me to ask for, right? When we were fourteen and you asked me to keep in touch, for the first year yeah we managed to but with both our busy schedules, it began to fade. I tried to understand the first time you didn’t pick up, but the next time, I allowed my insecurities to take control as I allowed myself to think I was probably bothering you.” You allowed yourself to speak your thoughts, knowing they would hurt Chan, but they were the truth.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry.” Was all he could muster up, the words heavy on his tongue. 

“I am too Chris. When you asked me if you should go to Korea to follow your dreams, I was reluctant to say yes, but seeing that was where you were truly happy, it made me happy even if I wasn’t a part of it anymore. Traveling over hundreds of miles to follow your dream, not knowing if you'll succeed I admired the guts you had, I remember the night you left, after crying myself to sleep, I promised I would take swimming seriously not only for my Dad or myself but to keep somewhat a piece of you close.” You intertwined your hands, both unable to control your sniffles and tears, you were thankful that the cafe was somewhat unoccupied currently giving you two a tad bit of privacy.

“And when you talked on the phone with me, you seemed so happy to be following your dreams, so I wanted to be proud of you so when you decided that you were too tired to talk to me it broke my heart.” You ended your speech continuing to sniffle as you attempted to calm yourself and wipe your tears. “We won’t be seeing each other for a while again so I hope that you’d continue to be happy here.” Making yourself look presentable as you prepared to exit the cafe as your ride back to the hotel arrived, leaning over the table you pressed a kiss to Chan’s cheek with a soft, “Thank You, Chris.” You barely gave him time to respond before you left him once again.

♡ ❤ ♡

You all had finished fixing up the plates and dishes before the boys began to settle in the living room to sleep. You tossed and turned in Chan’s bed, unable to sleep, as overwhelming thoughts began to cloud your mind.

You were shocked to the door opening softly, a figure trying to enter as quietly as you could. Knowing it could only be one person, you pretended to sleep, attempting to even your breathing.

“Aish, I miss you, like a lot.” the taller male whispered as he laid next to you. “I know I wasn’t able to be there for you, and that I messed up, but I regret not letting you know-” The bed shook with his sobs, you turned to meet his eyes startling him.

“You’ve apologized enough, Chris. Remember we had that video call, the day after I had visited your mom, and then you opened up to me, and I did too. We’ve forgiven one another so no need to be sorry.” You wipe his tears, combing your fingers through his blonde curls as he leans into your touch sighing at how comforting it is. “I’m sorry, that I wasn’t there for you either. You're making me cry again dammit, Chris.” You slapped his hand pretending to be angry with him as he held you close. A lot had occurred over the past few years, and you could notice how much time has changed him physically. Thank the lord for puberty cause he was hot hot.

You both went through your own set of struggles in life, though despite being away from one another you managed to overcome these. You’ve both grown mentally and physically, and you’re so proud of whom he has become, using his music to comfort the people around him, to inspire them to find their way. He really was your north star. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers as he holds you by the waist, you’re surprised the atmosphere isn’t that uncomfortable between you both. He still reminds you of home, your comfort. 

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve looked at things from your perspective.” You whisper in return. “So have you fallen in love with any Korean girls?” You ask him, eyes twinkling in amusement, flabbergasted by your query. 

“I can’t-”

“Even fall asleep.” You complete for him, saying one of his iconic lines during his reality show. “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.”

“You’ve seen our reality show?” He blinks in surprise ignoring your second question.

“Well yeah, the boys are interesting by the way.” Remembering how loud the boys made you giggle, they were a chaotic bunch, especially the younger ones. Though they made Chan light up, even during the dinner, you observed how Chan would look like a proud dad observing his kids from afar, it was really heartwarming.

“You can be honest, they’re a handful. And to answer your question, no I haven’t fallen in love with any Korean girls, how about you, any hot swimmers you’ve kissed recently?” His question stirs up a lot of unresolved feelings. You wondered if kissing him back then was a good idea, it had proven your feelings for one another, though it made you unsure where you stood. 

You’re both 22, adults with very hectic jobs and schedules. And you may have forgiven one another though despite being adults, neither of you have had actual relationships, with Chan’s contract not allowing him to do so and you just never bothering to do so. So pretty much you both had no idea what to do with your lingering feelings.

“Well, not really.” You really hadn’t kissed any of the swimmers, you’ve had a few offers from different swimmers to take you on dates but it made you feel weird. You grimace, feeling the conversation tense up, you curse yourself for bringing up the idea of romantic relationships.

“(Y/n)” He breathes slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. “I can’t. Well not until we hit three years actually. It would not only put me at risk but also the boys.” Despite being out of touch with you, Chan knows about the dating rumors that had been encircling you and a fellow Australian swimmer, though knowing you, you would put aside your own happiness for his.

“Your contract I know. I’m not insinuating anything, it was just a question.” You huff, you roll unto your side, turning away from him. “It’s just that we’ve made a lot of sacrifices haven’t we? I can’t put you into a difficult situation that may tear you apart from your happiness.”

“That’s why I’m telling you to forget about me, go and date, I’m sure there's a lot of suitors waiting for your hand. I don’t want you to feel burdened by committing to me. And if we’re really meant to be it’ll happen.” He presses his chest unto your back, pressing a kiss unto your shoulder. “But I want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens, and that I want you to be happy not only for me but for yourself. Come to the beach with us.”

“Gosh, you can’t just tell me to go on dates then tell me you love me. Has sleep deprivation really messed with your head?” You feel his chest vibrate with his chuckles as he nuzzles into the crook of your neck. “This is cruel. But fate is always cruel I guess.” 

“Fate brought me to you.” 

“Gosh, when did you get so cheesy Chris?” You snicker, feeling his hands tighten over your waist, moments you shared with him always felt right. “We’re good right?” 

“Come swim with us tomorrow and then we’re good.” His breathing evens out signaling he’s fallen asleep. His soft breathing eventually lulls you to sleep. 

v.

The next morning you’re picked up in two black vans, the boys having hustled you into joining them swim at their hotel, bold statements claiming they want to see you swim and all that. You agree, only because the younger ones gave you puppy eyes that you couldn’t handle, and because you really couldn’t deny Hyunjin who had claimed he looked up to you.

The drive is loud which is expected, though it really had been a long time since you’ve hung out with a lot of people. It was different from your teammates, they'd invite you to go party with them after competitions, and that was pretty much it. You always found it difficult to grow closer with your teammates with most of them being older. And ever since your family had problems you had become aloof and distant, finding it difficult to interact with other people. Though with these boys it was different, they held such good energy with one another it was impossible not to take a liking to them. 

"Are you our noona?" Was Hyunjin's first question, as currently you were squeezed between Hyunjin and Chan with Felix and Seungmin in the back. You were told that they played rock paper scissors to get the order of choosing their seats. Chan was given an exception for today as he had a guest. 

"That's an older girl, right? Then yes I am your noona." You smile at him finding it cute how he tried his best to speak to you and ask questions about your training and daily rituals, from time to time he'd ask Chan a question in Korean before turning to you and continuing your conversation. 

The other two in the back would pitch in from time time, asking how you and Chan met and how you had started your interest in swimming. "Well my dad was a coach, he still is but he resides in Korea because of his wife, I visit him from time to time. We aren't really on good terms because of his wife." 

"By the way, my mom told me you came to visit your mom while you stayed with them, how is she?" Chan knew your mother had gotten sick recently, he had heard from his mother, you had always tried to keep your family hidden from the media, not only to protect their privacy but also to prevent any scandals. Though Chan was also sure it was to protect your own pride, it would put you in a difficult situation, it would cause a domino effect of rumors and assumptions to arise from the media. 

And despite your problems you were strong and Chan is really proud of how far you’ve come. “She’s fine, she’ll be hospitalized for a bit but she’s fine.” To the other boys, it would seem as if you were trying to reassure their leader but to Chan, it sounded as if you were trying to reassure yourself.

Trying to lighten the mood, Felix asks you about any funny stories you had about their oh-so responsible leader, but to their disappointment, you claim that Chan was too perfect and was the goody two shoes of your duo, and you refrained telling them any dirt on Chan claiming he had twice the amount of dirt on you. At your despair, Felix laughs with you agreeing that their leader can be scary. 

Something catches his eye as the light catches unto it, it’s your necklace, the shine it once had worn out due to the long years that had worn it out, but despite that you still wore it. The whale's tail sat just above the crevice between your collar bones, he had always called you an Orca, not only because Orcas were known for being the fastest whales, but he calls you this because of your weird sleeping habits.

Orcas need to be half-conscious even when they’re asleep in order to keep breathing in their sleep. And unbeknownst to you, you sleep talk in your sleep, not only murmurs and mumbling but rather full out conversations. Chan found this small tidbit of information during your first sleepover at his house, he had been so disturbed the next morning when you couldn’t recall your conversation about him the test you had earlier in the day.

The conversations lessened as you grew older, probably due to your developing bodies, but despite that he still calls you an Orca, when you had asked him why he had simply shrugged saying that you were the fastest swimmer and because it sounded cool. Though he had to admit he wished you had been more creative with your own nickname for him, Bangaroo wasn’t nearly as cool as the great predator, killer whale Orca (Y/n). 

You arrive in their hotel, the boys rushing to their hotel rooms to get changed into their swim trunks. Chan ushers you into his room, where he was rooming with Changbin, both boys enter the room to get a few stuff and change into their swim trunks. And you’re thankful you had changed in Chan’s house and was already wearing your own swimsuit underneath a pair of shorts and a shirt because it was difficult trying to keep up with their energy. And once more you’re ushered into the elevator and then into the pool.

You see Seungmin and Woojin by the side in their loungewear, you wave at them. Seungmin sips at his blended fruit shake, unable to exert himself because of the back injury that he had gotten during filming. “Hello Noona, are you racing Hyung today?” He smiles at you reminding you of the golden retriever one your teammates had.

Woojin mutters something in Korean to Seungmin you pick up words such as older and age it makes you wonder if he asked about your age in order to address you properly. The moment your shirt and shorts are off, strong arms swoop you off the floor and you shriek in shock as you’re thrown into the pool.

“CHRISTOPHER BANG” The boys laugh at the use of their leader’s full name, who merely smirks at you. 

“Think of all the times you pushed me into the pool when I was shorter than you!” You’re happy that despite living in Korea for a long time, his Australian accent is still prominent and you find it cute. 

The rest of the boys rush in Hyunjin screaming something in Korean along the lines of starting. You find some of the staff filming the boys to create some content for their fans, Chan explains to you that even though they’re topless they would still be edited with heart stickers to give them some privacy. Once they’re finished filming a few scenes of them swimming and playing around the staff allows you to join them in the pool. 

Chan excitedly tugs your hand towards the pool, a rush of emotions fills your heart reminding you of the days where you would challenge him to races. Frustrated to see someone beat you for the first time, though you had to admit it was nice to have someone to compete with, it drove you to push yourself to get better.

“Rules are we race one lap from this end to the other, rock paper scissors winner gets to choose the style.” Chan grins you, his dimple prominent as he explains his rules. “Oh and loser treats ice cream.”

“Fine by me.” You shrug. The boys whooping at your nonchalant and confident attitude as they begin to place their bets, ice cream also on the line. “Just so you know, I’m not going easy just because you’re an idol now.”

Felix bounces in excitement announcing that he’ll be the ref for the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Both you and Chan put out rocks, you hear him take a sharp inhale, knowing that the style would heavily affect who wins the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Chan grins eyes twinkling in excitement before pumping his fist into the air. “Butterfly it is!” You deadpan as those who had bet on Chan jump ounce in excitement, namely, the ever so loyal 2Racha, Changbin, and Jisung and Woojin and Minho.

The rest of the Maknae line gives their own cheers of encouragement, with Hyunjin even claiming that you don’t have to be good at Rock paper scissors to be a good swimmer. You laugh at that one. 

Taking your positions, you toss Chan a grin. “It’s been a while.”

Felix gives the count. “3,2,1!” You push yourself into the cool waters, pacing yourself before you begin to rotate from you, your shoulder you break through the surface taking quick but paced breaths every time you come up. The boys gasp at your reaction time, your form, graceful as you dive. 

They easily see the difference between experience and professional training between you and Chan, easily taking the lead with your quick reaction time. Chan’s movements cut through the water, wherein yours are much softer yet quick, endurance and timing were definitely needed to master the butterfly stroke.

During your childhood, Chan easily beat you at endurance and how he used his breathing technique which is why you had never beaten him at the butterfly stroke. You still feel salty. Though because you now swam Individual Medley you pushed yourself to develop yourself in all four strokes instead of just focusing on one.

You feel Chan behind you, causing you to push yourself a few inches away from the end. You huff as you tap the wall, laughing as you come up from the water with a victorious “hah!” Chan’s shoulders shake in exhaustion from racing you, he huffs surfacing, he glares at you.

“Are you human?!”

The younger boys jump up and down in happiness, yelling out the flavors of ice cream they want. You laugh at Chan’s dumbfounded expression, pulling him out of the pool you toss him a wink. “I want some strawberry.”

You spend some more time with the boys in the pool, even watching them race one another, Hyunjin even gathers up the courage to ask if you could race him and give him criticism. You help him fix his arms and teach him how to save his stamina. With Chan’s help, the younger boy explains to you that even though they have such busy schedules, swimming is still his go to work out.

Later in the afternoon, the boys invite you to come to dinner with them, explaining that you should recommend the good restaurants around Melbourne before you leave tomorrow morning to resume training and classes because despite being an athlete you still had university to attend.

Changbin and Chan offer you their shower while they showered in the other’s boys’ room to give you some privacy. It’s only a matter of time before you’re rushed into their van, it seems that their life is always on the hustle and bustle, though it doesn’t really shock you with how their schedules are so tight. You wonder how they got to convince their manager to spend a free day like this. Well not exactly free because they had filmed yesterday and today, you could only imagine the amount of practice they would be doing tomorrow before their concert.

The drive to the restaurant is much quieter, with their energies toned down, you decide to take a nap leaning unto Chan's shoulder with Minho on your other side, Jisung and Changbin taking up the back.

Noting you’re asleep Minho asks, “Are you dating Hyung? You know we can’t at least not now.” 

Alarmed by the question, Chan checks your breathing to ensure you really are asleep and unconscious. “I know that I already talked about it with her. Plus she has someone waiting for her back in Sydney, I’ve decided to let her go. I can’t keep expecting her to keep waiting for me. She’s missing out on life.”

The romantics Han Jisung and Seo Changbin part their lips in awe at the words of their Hyung. “That’s like the manliest thing I’ve ever heard in my 18 years of living Hyung. Amazing.” 

“Though Hyung what if you’re the only one that could make her happy, what would you do? You can’t just keep deciding her happiness for her.” Minho perks up, the dancer admired how Chan had looked at you, it made him glow with so much emotion, erasing all signs of exhaustion from Chan.

“Well, we agreed to let time and fate decide whether it’s meant to happen. She respects that we’re on a dating ban and that I can’t put boys at risk. That’s why I decided to give her the push she needed without feeling guilty if she’s in love with someone else.” Chan glances at you nuzzled into his shoulder.

“Wah... I could make an entire album out of this.” Changbin mused feeling nothing but admiration for the older member.“

“Hmm. That’s a good idea.”

♡ ❤ ♡

After dinner you’re all taking walks down the pier heading for the well-known ice cream parlor Felix was familiar with. You argue with Chan on who gets to pay despite the bet, you tell him you rarely get to see him, and that he The company card paid for dinner already, you finish it with an elbow to his stomach to emphasize your claim.

During dinner the boys had asked if you would be watching their shows, you had told them your schedules were pretty hectic because of an upcoming qualifier match, and that you had only visited Melbourne to check up on your mother. You told them you would try to see if you could come to their Sydney show, which was closer to your university.

The boys could only watch your interaction with amusement, and luckily neither of you were recognized, despite them being idols and you being one of the youngest Olympic medalists. When none of the boys approach the counter to choose their flavors you threaten them with your elbow. Which causes them to rush towards the counter saying the flavors of ice cream they want. 

Now you’re all walking along the harbor enjoying your cups of ice cream, the boys give you and Chan some space, walking further from you both. And it's amusing that despite most of them are adults they all look like scheming kids, about to prank their parents. 

“Anyway tell me about him,” Chan says through a mouthful of vanilla ice cream, you chose for him. The question catches you off guard until you realize who he's talking about.

“You stalker! So you do know about the dating rumors!” You smack his arm, not caring if it would leave a bruise.

“OW! Well, it was all over the news this January, which is rare because you’re one of the athletes that like to keep your life private so I didn’t really stalk you.” He holds his arm close to him, rubbing at where you had hit him. ”Do you like him?”

“Well, he’s decent, though we're not dating. He’s a teammate though, he makes sure I don’t get left out of the team and he’s the same age as you and Woojin.” You play with your plastic soon, before scooping some strawberry ice cream into your mouth, you find it sweet and refreshing.

“So why aren’t you dating him?” Chan raises his eyebrow at you, pointing his spoon at you. 

“You know the answer to that Chris.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m telling you to try it out with him. I give you my blessing.” He uses the spoon as if here about to dub you as your next knight. You roll your eyes at his childishness, you swear his dramatic streak comes from Hyunjin. “No but seriously, (Y/n).” Chan tosses his finished vanilla-flavored ice cream into the trash bin.

“Alright.”You scoop the remaining sweet strawberry ice cream into your mouth before tossing the cup into a trash bin.

“You better make good on that promise, you’re missing out on all those thic international swimmers.” God if he weren’t the love of your life you would’ve thrown him over the railings and into the sea. “Henry, looks tasty, why don’t you get a taste of that?” At the mention of one of your closer teammates you flush.

“Ugh, you’re gross!” You start hitting him as he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively

 “Ow! Ow!” Despite his yelps, he’s still laughing, before he starts running to avoid your hits.

It doesn’t take you long to catch him, launching yourself onto his back, luckily he doesn’t collapse at your weight, he easily maneuvers your body so that you’re piggyback riding him comfortably. Sometimes you forget you’re both grown adults and you’re reminded by this at your close proximity.

Everything's good until a camera flashes in front of you, ready to tug down the cap you both wore and yell at whoever took your picture for invading both your privacy though luckily it’s just Hyunjin. “Ah, young love.” He looks into his phone pleased by his candid shot.

“Yah! You scared me.” Chan frowns at the younger boy, still blinking out the effects of the bright flash.

“Manager Hyung says we have to go, we have to drop off Y/n at your parents’ house.” Hyunjin gestures at the other members who currently were playing rock paper scissors as they wait for the car. 

You hear a loud “Yes!”, with one of the boys arguing in Korean along the lines of something being unfair. They’re a good bunch of those boys, they compliment Chan’s playfulness. It's good to see how they complete one another. After your mother had talked to you about how much Chan had struggled in Korea it broke your heart. Though maybe he was right. It was better for you both to not make any promises to the other. Knowing that both your careers were so demanding, long-distance relationships never worked, you knew that. 

The car ride is quiet, this time you were seated in between Felix and Chan, with Jeongin and Jisung in the back. You had said your farewells to the other boys, they had to head back earlier to rest up in the hotel, with Seungmin and Changbin still healing their injuries, Minho, Woojin, and Hyunjin had accompanied them. They had each given you little waves of their own, saying to contact them if you’d be visiting Korea. Though not before asking you to take a picture with them, Hyunjin even gathered up his own courage to take a solo picture with him and asked for your social media details. And during the time Chan was talking to their manager, he had asked for a hug, he explains that he’s too shy to do it in front of his Hyung.

Chan’s asleep along with Jisung and Jeongin. Soft little snores escaping him, finding himself comfortable against your shoulder. “You make each other really happy you know,” Felix smiles at you. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

“It’s been a while since I saw him, so yeah it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.” You brush through his blonde curls, missing his darker ones. You liked seeing him bare-faced and with his natural hair color, all the makeup, and dyeing, reminded of how much pressure these boys go through to look perfect. “You lived in Sydney, right? I heard from Chan you went to St. Patrick’s. I go to Griffith so it’s sports-oriented. What’s it like studying at a catholic school.”

“Well we have classes on religion, the dress code is pretty strict, but besides that, it’s pretty normal.” Felix shrugs, Catholic schools had a lot of misconceptions about them despite being pretty normal. “It must be amazing studying at Griffith, I heard you have to be invited by either the head or the assistant head coach to get in there.”

“Yeah, a representative visited me on our graduation, to be honest, I wouldn’t have taken it if Chan hadn’t decided to go to Korea. And god knows what I’d be doing if I wasn’t at their program.” With a negligent family like yours, it would’ve gotten you into trouble with just the right amount of bad influence. “Though it’s tiring, having so many expectations on your shoulders, to keep breaking records, placing and improving. But that’s life, isn’t it? Chasing after perfection which you’d never be able to achieve.”

“Hmm, yeah we were designed with that mentality and it’s sad. So much criticism in the world about every single imperfection.” Felix sighs, reminiscing his hardships he had experienced during the reality show. 

“I admire you boys, seeing your survival show gave me a lot of strength, it helped me understand Chan better. You boys are doing well, don’t worry too much about it.” Reaching around Chan’s shoulders you give him a tight squeeze on his arm. “Take care of Chris for me Lix, remind him to eat and sleep.” You sigh couldn’t help but worry for your best friend.

“I will noona.” You exchange social media details with the younger boy, promising to keep in touch from time to time. The car comes to a halt in front of the Bang Residence, just in time when Chan blinks out the sleep from his eyes, yawning before he realizes you’ve stopped in front of his house.

You exit first, their manager getting off to help you get your bag from the trunk. You mutter your thanks in Korean to their manager, as Chan steps out from the car to say his own goodbye. He engulfs you in a hug, you take a whiff of his cologne breathing in the comforting smell. 

How many times must we keep repeating our goodbyes.

He presses a kiss unto your forehead, letting his chin rest on top of yours. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

“Okay” You whisper into his chest, trying to imprint into your memory how his heartbeat sounded. 

“Can I kiss you? Just one last time.” You nod, he tilts your head, pressing his lips onto yours gently. He cradles your cheeks so gently and you’re surprised at how he tastes like vanilla, it immediately comforts you, reminding you of all your childhood memories with him. His other hand holds you by the waist as you tangle yours by his nape, playing with the tufts of blonde curls. Time seemed to stand still, and everything was so perfect, everything felt so perfect.

You part from, slowly opening your eyes to meet him. He’s so beautiful like this, your north star. You get up onto the tip of your toes, you tilt his head down, reaching to press a soft kiss unto your forehead. “Goodbye, Chris.”

When had Vanilla begun tasting bittersweet?

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it, you’re back in training. You had been so tired from your flight you had slept in and were late to morning training, and currently doing extra laps with weights. God, do I hate weights. 

Morning training goes quickly, and your reaction time is terrible today. So you find yourself doing more laps than necessary, to make up for your mistakes. The moment you’re finished you see Henry by the end of the pool, offering a hand to help you out of the pool. 

You see him in his casual clothes, ready for his classes. You take his hand careful not to drench him as he pulls you out of the pool. “Don’t you have classes?” You ask him curious about what made him wait for you, you had to agree with Chan he is cute. You may be biased but Korean- Australians are cuter.

“Well, prof canceled today so we both don’t have classes” Just like you, Henry Young majored in Sports Sciences. From time to time you forget you shared most of your classes with the Chinese- Australian, Henry often hung out with his clique which consisted of a lot of jocks which would explain why you rarely interacted with him.

“Is that so?” You humm from the locker rooms, you’re skimming through your gym bag, surprised to see a box, you wonder where this could’ve come from. You open the box to find a necklace similar to yours, instinctively your hands reach for the whale’s tail that sat above the crevice between your collarbone. You realize it’s much pricier with how intricate the design is and then you find an engraving saying find your happiness.

You peek your head out from the locker rooms shocking Henry who had been waiting. “Hey, Henry does your offer on that date still stand?” 

He perks up at this mouth parting in surprise as he blinks.”Yes! Of course!”

You smile, Chan’s words ringing in the back of your head. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

vi.

Felix can feel his chest swell with pride at being able to take care of the older members, it makes him happy to be able to reassure his Hyungs that they could rely on him and the younger members. Especially their leader, Chan,  looks out so much for the younger members yet forgets to take care of himself, he puts so much pressure on himself that it hurts to see him like this. 

The younger Australian continues stirring the soup he was making for dinner, the comforting aroma surrounding their apartment. His phone on the counter lets out a soft ping, he reaches for it to check his notifications, and just on schedule, it’s your little notes for the members. 

It’s almost been a year and a half since they had visited Australia as a group and since then, you and Felix would send each other little notes. The notes would range from a series of “how are you?”, “Good luck” and “Congratulations”. From time to time Felix would just share tea with one another, like what happened at the latest frat party you attended with your members, or which idols had attempted to ask out their older seniors. 

Out of all the members, Felix had become your closest member after Chan, finding comfort in your similarities and shared experiences as Aussies. Opening your message he almost drops his phone into the stockpot in shock.

Aussie Swimmer 

Chris has been keeping me on delivered, is he alright? Or is he cooped up producing again? Please remind him to eat and not to overwork himself, the others too stay safe! Miss you guys! Might be dropping by on the weekend for a tournament I might bring Henry along if you don’t mind?

Henry huh? Felix blinks at the message, he knows you’ve been official for some time now, about three months after they had visited Australia, both swimmers had posted on their personal Instagram account, catching the whole sports community off guard. Trending as the powerful swimming couple, with you as one of the youngest females to win gold for the Individual Medley and Henry Young holding the fastest time for the Men’s 100M Backstroke. 

Felix had to admit you both looked good together, (everyone has already been expecting you both to create talented swimming babies.) He remembered how Chan had reacted to the news, they had been at practice when the news had gone viral. It immediately eliminated all dating rumors between you and Chan, after eagle-eyed STAYs has connected pictures of you and Chan during your childhood, and after seeing some of your Instagram pictures with their leader.

Chan had gone silent for the rest of the day, though later on, Felix had seen the older male video calling you. Tediously sharing every detail of how Henry had greeted you with a fragrant bouquet, before taking you to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Followed by a tour in a scenic arts museum, where he surprised you with a gorgeous yet simple bracelet and then asked you to be his girlfriend.

The leader had merely nodded and listened to you with a dimpled smile at how excited you glowed. Chan could definitely see that the swimmer has been making you very happy, with how blooming he’s seen you in your latest Instagram posts and the candid pictures the media has released of you. 

Felix ponders whether you’ve told Chan about you arriving this weekend, you’ve visited Korea a few times, meeting up with the boys if both your schedules permitted as there are times you fly in and out for a tournament or workshop, though sometimes you visit your dad after Chan’s advice to try and make things better with your dad.

Most of the boys had noticed a pattern with Chan, usually every single time news of you and your boyfriend starts trending, they’d find him cooping himself up for at least a day before he meets with Han and Changbin handing in a new track for them to make lyrics for.

Minho being the eldest after Chan had brought it up with their Manager concerned at Chan’s unhealthy habits. Their Manager reassured them saying that as long as Chan remembers to rest and eat every time he locks himself up he’ll be fine. And besides most of the boys were scared to actually confront the eldest member about it.

Finishing his cooking, he calls the boys for dinner, and he’s surprised to see a zombie-like Chan approaching the table before he takes a seat at the head. Seungmin helps set the table, as the other members emerge from the different corners of their shared apartment, each member has their own response to seeing the leader out of his room and joining them to eat.

“Wah.. Lix, that smells good, good job.” Changbin pauses at seeing the older member but says nothing, choosing to ruffle the younger member’s hair by taking a seat next to him. 

Taking their seats the members converse about their schedules for the next few days, and plans. “Bin, I have a new track I think you’d like,” Chan gulps down a spoonful of rice causing the rapper’s eyes to widen. “Actually a few tracks.” 

“How many tracks did you produce this time Hyung?” Han munches on his food addressing the older leader. "You've been getting a lot of inspiration lately haven- AH!" 

His question is interrupted as Minho shoves a well-deserved elbow into his side, Jisung glares at the older member looking around whether someone would come to his defense but to his disappointment, they all continue eating as if nothing had happened. 

Felix decides to save the news for later at a much more discreet time with the older members of the group, fearing the same reaction from Minho. Though we all know despite being born a day apart Jisung is bullied while Felix is babied. Leaning into Changbin he whispers, "Hyung, can I talk to you later." 

"Hmm, sure what's it about?" Changbin whispers discreetly trying to avoid gaining the attention of their eldest leader who was currently occupied watching Seungmin and Hyunjin argue over a certain Korean drama they were both engrossed in over the past few days.

"It's about Y/n" Felix lowers his voice, eyeing the leader across the table. 

Changbin meets his eyes nodding at him, having an idea on what the conversation might be about. "Okay we'll take a walk after dinner." 

Luckily the members don't find it too unusual when Changbin and Felix tell them they'll be taking a walk to the mart down the street to pick up some ice cream. Instead, they all shout the different flavors they want, teasing the rapper that he wouldn’t be allowed back in the dorm if he doesn’t buy it, so here they are enjoying the bright nightlife of Seoul.

"Noona's arriving this weekend, she has a tournament on Saturday. She's asking whether we want to meet up." Felix tells the older boy, observing how he bites his lip, signifying how he filters out his words.

“I suspected something like that happened, I saw hyung’s phone by accident-”

“She wants to introduce Henry to us.” This silences the older rapper, he had only seen the message that reader would be visiting, which is why he hadn’t questioned Chan’s lock up this time. 

“Oh.” Is all that he can say, he doesn’t really know what to do with this information, but he has to admit it was only a matter of time before Chan and Henry would meet. It would only make sense for Henry to meet Chan to get the approval of your best friend.

“We can say we’re busy hyung, I can lie to her, well it isn’t really a lie but a white lie.” Felix says this out of worry for his leader. Though Changbin can’t have Felix doing that, breaking his Noona’s trust for Hyung's. It’s Chan who got them into this mess so he’d have to deal with the consequences.

“No Lix, you don’t have to, this weekend is a free day anyway, I’m sure our manager doesn’t mind. And I’ll talk to Minho Hyung for a plan.”

“Oh alright. I’ll leave it to you then.” Changbin ruffles Felix’s hair, the younger boy always wanted the best for his Hyungs even if it required compromising or sacrificing. The older member always found it so endearing.

♡ ❤ ♡

Orca Y/n

Hey Bangaroo! I’m visiting this weekend, I have a tournament this Saturday. Are you free for dinner? I want you to meet Henry, he’s been dying to meet the man that “entangled our fates together” or something like that. Anyway I miss you, please take care of yourself. 

Chan tosses his phone on the bed before he runs his hands through his hair frustrated. God do I hate this.

vii.

Their manager leads them up the stairs and into the indoor pool, the venue is packed with swimmers from different universities and countries. They sit higher up in order to avoid the crowds, and they’re just in time when they see you enter the hall representing your country with your team jacket. 

Felix easily spots you with the pair of eye goggles he had given you during your last birthday. He had really wanted to give you something as you had given him a new game for his birthday. He had even asked Chan for help to choose which ones he should get, he was also worried that you wore sponsored one during competitions but he’s happy to see you wearing the ones he had personally given you. 

“Look it’s noona!.” Hyunjin points at your small figure, stepping up unto the starting block stretching as you wait for the signal.

3racha had stayed behind for a meeting with their boss for the critique on the upcoming album, they had promised to meet up at the restaurant once they finished up. Minho could only pray and hope that they won’t miss dinner and make it awkward with Y/n thinking that her boyfriend had made Chan uncomfortable and would make his younger members fend for themselves.

Y/n would only be participating in one race today which would be the 200M Individual Medley, the boys had planned to surprise her in front of the locker rooms once she finishes the race. The younger boys could only imagine your reaction once you received the bouquet they had prepared.

“Look, it's starting,” Jeongin tells the other members under his mask, the boys could only watch in awe at how you moved differently from the other swimmers. Your reaction time on the spot as your back arches, diving into the pool's waters.

It makes Seungmin ponder about the possibility of mermaids as you swim, starting with the butterfly stroke as you gracefully propel yourself across the pool, pacing yourself knowing that this was the style you had the most difficult it would make sense no to tire yourself out. 

Once you reach the end you push against the touchpad to gain momentum moving unto the backstroke. “Isn’t Noona’s specialty free?” Seungmin asks Felix who was much more knowledgeable in swimming compared to the younger boy.

“Yeah, it is. It’s amazing that she has to swim in four different styles.” Felix responds to the vocalist, who sits at the edge of his seat in anticipation of the results. 

“She won a medal in the Olympics for this category.” Jeongin grins from where he sits, watching his hyung part his lips in amazement. 

“Look she’s almost done!” Seeing you in your last lap and specialty made the younger boys part their lips in awe at how you accelerated pushing yourself to finish the race. 

And by the time you finish first, the boys are heading down to wait for you outside the locker room to surprise you. They see you with Henry, the older male helping you with your gym bag, your eyes are immediately widening at the sight of them. Minho hands you the bouquet with a small smile, the boys chest swell with pride at your reaction to the flowers they had argued about which to get in the flower shop.

“Thank you, you guys didn’t have to do all this!” You’re pulling them in for hugs. Luckily there aren’t that much people in the lobby with everyone still watching the other races, Henry had finished his race before yours. “Henry, these are Chris’s friends, Jeongin, Minho, Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin, he used to swim.”  Each boy waves at the mention of their name, sending your boyfriend a polite smile.

“No no, not as good as you Noona.” The younger boy smiles as you ruffle his head.

“Where’s Chris? And Bin and Hannie?” Your eyes scan the area, hoping that the loud trio would jump out of something to scare you.

“They’re still at a meeting with PD-nim, they’ll be meeting us at the restaurant.” Felix ruffles your hair, leading you to where their cars wait.

“Oh, okay.” 

♡ ❤ ♡ 

Chan’s leg bounces up and down in anxiety as they wait for the other boys and the Australian couple. He’s spent the last few minutes playing on his phone, looking at the menu, coloring in the coloring book that came with the kids menu, locking and unlocking his phone basically looking for things to distract him and his nerves.

Changbin eyes him from where he sits right next to him, feeling his anxious energy radiate off him in waves. Concerned he sends a kick to the younger producer who sat across him, jolting in pain he sends a glare to Changbin who gestures to check his phone

Hannie  ♡  

Yah. Was that kick necessary you jerk? What do you want?

                                                                                                                          Bin

                                                                       Chan looks like he’s about to sprint.

Hannie  ♡ 

He does. What do you want me to do? tie him up? 

                                                                                                                         Bin

                                                                       Idiot no, I’m just concerned for him

Hannie  ♡ 

This is Chan Hyung we're talking about he’ll be fine trust me. 

Han’s messages do nothing to reassure the older rapper, who could only hope that this dinner goes well. Changbin’s phone buzzes but this time it isn’t from Han, instead it’s from Hyunjin.

Hyunjinnie ♡ 

We’re pulling up Hyung.

God she’s beautiful.  It is the first thought that comes to Chan’s mind as you’re walking towards him. Chan wonders if this is what it's like to see your bride for the first time, his heart skips a beat at the thought of you in a white dress. You’re dressed in a simple hoodie, jeans and sneakers just like the rest of the boys, yet Chan feels like he could marry you right here and right now.

The unpleasant feeling is back in the pit of his stomach as he sees her hand intertwined with the Chinese- Australian he recognizes as Henry Young. The younger swimmer is blooming as she approaches the older boy beaming at him with such a radiant and sunny smile. Chan wishes the earth would open up a hole to swallow him up at how giddy you looked.

“Chris!” The idol could only smile, standing to greet you with a tight hug ignoring the fact that you’re blatantly being affectionate in front of your boyfriend. “I missed you so much!” The last he’s seen you was last Christmas in Australia, you had been so busy with university and preparations for the qualifiers for the next Olympics you could only come to Korea for tournaments or to train.

Chan sees the female swimmer reach behind her to introduce her boyfriend, who had been timidly watching the interaction between you two. Chan offers his hand to introduce himself, “Christopher Bang, leader of the upcoming group Stray Kids, don’t worry I’ve heard all about you. Henry Young.” The older man tells the idol.

“I hope it’s all good things.” Chan chuckles glancing at his best friend.

“Trust me they are.” Henry tightens his grip, and Chan isn’t exactly sure what it means but Henry releases his grip. Rounding the table to take a seat next to her girlfriend who sits across Chan. 

Dinner goes smoothly, the playful banter between Chan and Y/n does not go unnoticed by the other members as they tease each other on the upcoming album, with the swimmer pouting at how discreet the leader was about their upcoming album. 

“Hey Bang if I break my next record you have to let me listen to one song!” She attempts to persuade the idol who merely chuckles at how cute she’s being. “Binnie, Hannie come on help me out here.” 

“Aish, don’t drag me into this Y/n.” The other producer tells her in English, and she’s extremely well at how good Changbin’s pronunciation has gotten over the few months. “That’s up to Hyung to decide.”

“Don’t worry I got you Y/n, I’ll slip you the file later.” Han winks from where he’s seated next to her. “It’ll be our little secret. Or not. You’re on your own, my good friend.” Seeing Chan raise an eyebrow at the younger producer's antics makes Han’s heart fill with dread.

“Why’re you being so secretive about it? You always let me hear snippets of your song.” Chan sees her cross her arms over her chest, frowning at how the other members smile as you banter with Chan.

“The company compels us to, Noona.” Hyunjin cuts through your banter and Chan thanks his lucky stars for the dancer. The younger member had been studying English nonstop the past few days ever since he had known you’d be visiting. He’s been excited to have a conversation with you. 

Though honestly, the real reason why Chan had been so secretive about their music was that it had involved a lot of sappy and melancholic music about love. And Chan’s unsure of how’d you react to an entire album being dedicated to you, it’s probably best if you don’t find out about it for now. 

Chan notices how quiet the older swimmer had been ever since he had been bantering with his best friend. He turns to the other Australian who picks at food before he feels Chan's gaze at him, their eyes meet and he offers Chan a polite yet vacant smile. 

“Noona, since Hyung won’t show you a snippet of the music I offer you this.” Minho does their key point in their choreography, the other boys giggling at your confused expression watching you ask them to enlighten you whether the four counts of choreography Minho had done would be in the chorus, bridge or verses.

“Yah, Lee Minho, if this isn’t in the choreography, I swear I’ll come back here to hit you.” Chan could only feel pride swell within your chest as you speak in Korean to the main dancer. You had begun studying and practicing the language after realizing you’d be coming here often to either teach or swim.

And before they know it they’re taking a walk, the maknae line stealing your attention as they help practice your Korean, asking you random questions and translating if you find it difficult to answer, the questions range from what your favorite color is to your favorite season, animal and member. They argue for third place knowing Chan and Felix were your first and second respectively.

And to Chan’s shock, he finds your boyfriend by his side. “She’s gorgeous isn’t she?” The swimmer turns to Chan with a sigh, “You look at her in a certain way.”

Chan doesn’t respond to that, instead he tells the older boy. “Thank you for being there for her, for taking good care of her she means a lot to me.” They watch the younger members tease the female swimmer over something laughing in a carefree manner.

“I know that she means a lot to you, she’s also really important to me. So you don’t have to give me that lecture of taking care of her or hurting her. I really love her.” He sees Henry sigh, dazed as he looks at nothing else but you. 

“Don’t worry I wasn’t”

“Oh no you don’t I knew you were going to give me one. I also know that you were a catalyst in Y/n finally agreeing to go out with me. So I’d like to thank you for that.” Henry pats Chan’s shoulder awkwardly but in genuine gratitude. “I never knew if she’d say yes, though even if she didn’t I’d still want to be her friend.”

“Why’d you stick around? She’s not exactly friendly with a lot of people.” The golden necklace twinkles under the night’s sky as you converse with the other boys. Chan’s glad that you’ve kept his little gift, it suits you the whale’s tail, it’s like a huge part of your persona. 

“I don’t really know, the other swimmers had completely given up trying to get to know her, that’s why she swims individual medley despite the fact that she’d make a powerful anchor for the relay. I had to admit that I found her pretty at first but I just didn’t like how the other swimmers call her a stuck up just cause she doesn’t hang out with us. I also share a lot of classes with her but I know that she didn’t really notice.” Chan recognizes the look Henry gives you it’s just as Henry had said, he looked at her in a certain way. “There’s just so much to admire about her, I also know she’s been through a lot. I also know that she’s completely in love with you and you might be as well, but that doesn’t really matter because if you really loved her nothing would stop you from being her boyfriend. She’s strong and amazing, she also has her flaws but Chris I have to be frank, she’s been through a lot, she’s still going through a lot, but despite that, I won’t leave her, in fact, I want to stay by her side, and be her strength, I want to be what you had failed to be for her.”

And right there everything seems to shatter before him. 

viii.

“Do you think he’s broken?” Jisung whispers to the older rapper trying not to disturb the other older member who had been producing nonstop for the past three days. The older rapper quickly hushes Jisung before pulling him out of their leader’s room. “He hasn’t been out of your room for the past three days, he only comes out to go to the bathroom and to pick up some snacks and water from the kitchen. He hasn’t talked to any of us and hasn’t been attending practices either.” 

“Minho and I already talked to Manager Hyung, he relayed a message from PD-nim saying it would be best to leave him for the next few days and let him come to us.” Changbin sighs stressed at the responsibility that now has been given to him.

“But he hasn’t been eating! Nor sleeping! What do we do when Noona starts looking for him? When STAYs start looking for him? Huh?!" Jisung has never seen Chan like this, he had never expected him to take the news this bad. Ever since your dating news began trending because of your recent Instagram post making things official with the Australian swimmer. "I don't get it, Hyung wanted this for Noona why-" 

Jisung is interrupted with the room to Chan's door opening, both boys felt sudden chills run down their spines, a gloomy aura emanating from the figure slowly exiting the room. Both boys turned towards their leader, with his hood up, the members knew that their leader had the capability to be scary but the aura he was releasing was full out terrifying. 

“Hyung how are you?” Changbin says this slowly so as not to scare the producer back into his room. Both members get no response from their leader, as he walks past them and into the kitchen. 

“What the hell was that?” Han mouths to the older rapper, who merely shrugs not knowing what to do with their leader either. 

“I don’t know either Sung.” 

They move to the kitchen, observing their leader drag himself towards the fridge reaching for the second tub of ice cream. Han sees the other members by the doorway, frozen in shock after seeing their leader for the first time in three days. His eyes meet with Felix, tilting his head to signal the others to avoid their leader.

They tiptoe around their dorm, trying to move as quietly as possible, in the eyes of others they probably look like a bunch of hunters trying to surround their prey. Though in reality, it was the complete opposite, they were the gazelles trying to stealthily escape the predator, which also happened to be their leader.

Chan holds the ice cream, to his chest, the tense silence is broken by the loud clack of the plastic tub meeting the tiled floor. Chan drops to his knees burying his head as he starts sniffling clutching his knees to his chest curling up. The remaining members freeze as their leader drops to his knees curling up next to the refrigerator, the boys go through a series of thoughts on what to do and how to help. 

Minho moves first, picking Chan up by the armpits as he maneuvers the eldest to their couch, Changbin could only sigh as he picks up the forgotten tub of vanilla-flavored ice cream on the floor. Minho rubs at Chan’s back attempting to calm his hiccups and sniffles, Felix approaches the older leader offering a box of tissues to Hyunjin who dabs at Chan’s tear-stained cheeks. 

Jeongin from the corner moves to offer Chan a glass of water helping him sip at using a straw as Seungmin goes into the kitchen to start dinner. Changbin approaches the leader, pulling the hood down as they’re met by red puffy eyes and bags under his eyes.

“Ah Hyung, let it all out, it’s alright.” Changbin rubs at their leader’s unruly blond hair, Chan leaning into their comfort as they reassure him. It was rare to see Chan like this, they often came to let out their pent up emotions to the older members, though with Chan he rarely opened about what he felt, choosing to carry the burden on his own.

After he calms himself, Minho encourages the older boy to shower saying it would make him feel better. Minho guides Chan into the bathroom saying that he’d prepare him a new set of clothes. Once they hear the water running, Minho calls the other boys to come and help him, Seungmin, Han, and Changbin enter the room, leaving the rest of the boys to help with dinner.

Changbin starts with arranging his production equipment, making sure everything was saved he sets the laptop aside. Seungmin collects the plastic bottle, packets of food, and cup noodles, scattered around the room tossing them into the garbage bag he holds. Minho begins stripping the sheets and exchanging them for newer ones while Han pulls out a new pair of pajamas setting them aside for the eldest, they move around one another finishing it with an air freshener.

The rest of the members find themselves under Felix’s command as they prepare dinner, Jeongin sets the table as Hyunjin helps Felix by preparing the vegetables. Usually, it would be Chan cooking for the younger members making sure they eat good food rather than ordering fast food all the time. 

They eat in the living room, putting on a disney movie as they transfer their beds to the living room. Watching in silence as they provide the comfort their eldest member needed. 

ix.

It’s been a few months since you visited Korea, it bothered you how much Chan’s messages had become single worded responses ever since you visited. He rarely initiates conversations you had even asked Felix about it over facetime, he shrugged his shoulders saying that the older member was just stressed. 

Something didn’t feel right. Henry pauses seeing you distracted as you stare out the window of the restaurant, finding the scenery interesting rather than your date. “Y/n, what’s on your mind?” It worries Henry to see you like this, ever since you had opened up about your nightmares, he had been looking out for your health more often, knowing the stress that came with this career, you needed someone by your side. 

He had lost his brother to this career, and he couldn’t bear another amazing person losing themselves to the demands and pressure of this career. Which is probably why he had found himself so drawn to you, despite running in different cliques, your introverted nature fit your extroverted one perfectly.

“Nothing, it's just that Chris has been ignoring me lately.” You turn to the older male, he sees the stress pull at your features, the bags under your eyes seem much darker than usual, and he’s curious whether how much sleep you’ve been getting lately. 

Ah, Christopher. Ever since their meeting and conversation, the Australian Idol has also been constantly popping up in Henry’s thoughts, it made him wonder why you both weren’t together and how the Idol only seemed to bring you more stress.

“Maybe he’s just busy Y/n, you know him, he’s always producing and stuff.” His words do nothing to ease your furrowed brows, “We have double periods as free time before training, come sleep in my dorms, you look like you need it.” 

It concerns Henry, how much your nightmares seemed to plague your thoughts and sleep, especially as an athlete it was completely unhealthy, you’ve been losing weight over it as well. If Henry didn’t show up at your place with food, you’d probably have skin hanging off your bones. 

It makes the older male wonder whether your coach has noticed, he probably had with your times being inconsistent, it put pressure on the team more than ever with the qualifiers for the Olympics looming over your heads, it would only be a matter of time. 

The moment you enter his apartment, you make your way to his room finding comfort in the warm sheets. Henry could only smile at how you bury yourself into your sheets making yourself smaller than you already are, he sets an alarm in case he falls asleep, less the coach berates them for being late. 

It was hard enough when they announced their relationship, knowing that the team prioritizes the competition more than anything else. Luckily the coach hadn’t made it a big of a deal with both Henry and Y/n being important assets to the team.

He finds himself lying in bed next to you, scooting closer to him you breathe in his scent, it helps you sleep. He’s glad to be able to help you erase the anxieties and thoughts that plagued you at night. He had seen how it had destroyed his older brother, he could only hope and pray  that it wouldn’t lead to your demise. 

He’s happy to see your rhythmic breathing come out calmly and evenly, he wonders if you can hear how far his heart is beating, he runs his hands through your hair, massaging his fingers into your scalp. “I wish I could take all your troubles away Y/n but I’m only human.”I’d give you the world if I could.”

Henry sees you open your eyes carefully, adjusting to the light before her tired eyes meet Henry’s. “Hello, Henry.”

“Did you sleep?” He whispers into the crown of your head, continuing to massage his fingers into your scalp, finding you lean into his touch as it helps you relax.

“A bit, I’m still tired though.” 

“Sleep then-”

“Do you think about marriage, Henry?”

 Henry finds himself startled by the question, curious unto what had brought the thought into your head he asks. “I do, but why are you asking this?”

“It’s just that this was under your pillow.” You pull out the velvet box from under his pillow, he swears to himself, forgetting that he had left it on the bedside table. He had bought it for you a few months ago before you had both left for Korea he had planned to give it to you after the qualifiers for the Olympics but as he had been caught red-handed he might as well do it now.

“You can open it, it's for you.” He pushes back a strand of hair behind your ear, before he starts rubbing his thumb against your temple, to release the tensions in between your eyebrows. Your lips part in awe as you find a simple band elegantly crafted and designed with diamonds it forms a small v in the middle. 

“Don’t stress over it, it’s a promise ring. I planned to give you this once we both qualify for the Olympics, don’t worry I’m not asking you to marry me Y/n I know you love Chris too much to get yourself engaged to me.”

“What?” You look at him confused at his statement, he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. 

“This promise ring doesn’t promise yourself to me, but rather it symbolizes a promise to me that you’ll find happiness within yourself, and it doesn’t have to be me. This ring is also a promise to take care of yourself, it’s a reminder that you don’t have to carry that burden alone, that you can come to us, to me. I love you, Y/n, but I know you love Chris. I’ll be here for you, to help you find happiness and to take care of you but as your friend. We’ve had a good run, don’t you think, almost 2 years?” Henry presses a soft kiss unto her lips, he smiles understanding he continues cuddling you.

“I’m sorry, Henry.” Is all that you could say to him, he allows you to pull him closer, helping you wipe your tears. 

You both skip practice that day, telling the coach you had an emergency. That doesn’t let you off from additional laps though.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Why do you swim.” It takes you a while to realize you’re looking at yourself, the 14-year-old you, who'd had been put under so much pressure by your father, had been neglected by your mother and had been left behind by the only person in the world you had thought you trust.

Had you really been like this? The wistful flecks on your dark hues brought such a melancholic feeling within you, it made you wonder when had you become so abandoned and pessimistic. It makes you ponder, Are you still like this?

Looking around you find yourself in the same ice cream parlor you had spent most of your childhood with Chan, with the same booths, flooring, and walls. Everything seemed so real though one thing stood out to you the most, the parlor didn’t have the same pleasant warmth it once had. You find your pallidly familiar vanilla ice cream in front of you and instead of the childlike smile it brings a bitter taste to your mouth.

“Why do you swim?” She repeats it louder this time interrupting your train of thoughts, and observations. She’s almost yelling as she repeats the same phrase for a third time, this time gripping your wrist with a tight vice, she glares at you, dark and penetrating as tears begin to stain her cheeks slowly. “WHY?”

You open your mouth to answer her but you’re unable to do so, the words get caught up in your throat choking you as you gasp for air. Suddenly everything comes to a stop, your gasps for air, the clock by the counter, and even the ceiling fans and in a blink of an eye you’re sitting again in the same booth but the younger version of you is gone.

You’re alone in the parlor until you hear the wind chimes by the entrance twinkling signaling a customer. You’re familiar with this one, his dimpled and charming smile, innocent yet passionate eyes, his dark curls and if you observe him closely you can see light freckles spread across his cheekbones. You find in awe unconsciously parting your lips in a gasp as his younger self takes a seat in front of you. 

He throws you a lopsided grin at you, his dimple prominent. “I’m late, aren’t I? I guess I’ll be buying ice cream.” You move before you even realize you're holding his wrist, he looks back at you tilting his head in concern. “Are you alright (Y/n)?” Blinking his voice is laced with endearment. 

Even you’re startled at yourself at how you had reacted. “Uh, yeah, sorry but I already have ice cream.” sheepishly gesturing to the cup of vanilla on the table, his lips are making an “O” in realization, not having seen the cup next to you. 

“Ah you’re right, well, I’ll be saving my money then.” Softly releasing your grip on his wrist, the 14-year-old Chan takes a seat in front of you, still dressed in your school's uniform making you realize he had probably come from his advanced math classes.

While you trained daily for swimming, Chan would do it every other day, alternating between his music and his advanced classes, if he weren’t training he would meet up with you here in this parlor to study. Shouldn’t you have realized by then, that your paths were meant to separate later on?

“Can I hug you?” You ask the younger boy, the question seems to startle him, but nonetheless he circles the booth taking a seat next to you, opening up his arms to accommodate you. You seek his warmth, you turn towards the glass that kept the various flavors of ice cream. And you see both your reflections, his smaller and younger persona hugging your bigger and older form. It made you smile, how adorable you both looked. 

“Do you still swim, (Y/n)?” His voice whispers into your shoulder, at this you can only nod, still not having the ability to speak. “You’re going to be a great swimmer Y/n, you’re going to be amazing.” His voice suddenly deepens, much more masculine and older. You see the older version of him, the current him, same prominent right dimple, same curls and light freckles. Though his eyes are different, the childlike innocence and mirth had been replaced with mature and observant hues.

“Chris, I’m tired.” You hear yourself say, the older man only tightens his grip around you and buries his head into your shoulder.  Everything is calm as it should be, you can hear his steady heartbeat, the rhythmic pitter-patter of his heart reassures you, following the steady rise and fall of his chest it creates a serene peacefulness in your mind, and you’re grateful for it even it’s just for a minute.

A flash blinds you as the media surrounds you, different questions are thrown at you, it ranges from your relationship to your father, and then they begin asking about your times. Will you be ranking gold today? Will you break  another record? You find yourself running, not caring where you’re going until you find yourself on top of the starting block.

“Miss L/n! The great prodigy!”

“You were brought into the world for this (Y/n)!” You hear your father’s voice

“You’ll be the greatest swimmer known (Y/N)!” You hear Chan.

“Swim for us!”

“You can’t let that talent go to waste, my dear.” 

“We were born for different things (Y/n), I hope you understand.” 

Different reporters shove their microphones, recorders, and cameras toward you, drowning you with their questions, blinding you with the flashes, it’s suffocating dangerously so. Terror fills your eyes as you feel yourself losing your balance from trying to avoid them.

The air whips at you as you’re falling you try to look for something, anything to stop you from falling. You scream for help, crying out, feeling your stomach drop the faster gravity brings you down and suddenly you’re thrown into a freezing bottomless pit, your limbs are heavy as you try to resurface but to your horror, something latches onto you pulling you down. You’re screaming again wailing as dread fills the pit of your stomach, choking as water enters your lungs, you’re choking, gasping for air. 

You jerk up, clutching the sheets tightly, breathing heavily. Grimacing you find yourself sweaty, you turn towards the alarm clock on the bedside table, in bright red it reads 3:35. You leave the comfort of your bed, dashing towards the bathroom as you feel the nausea claw at your throat, you hurl yourself toward the toilet just in time your stomach contracts to vomit the remnants of your meal from the previous day. Heaving until only a clear liquid was left, your throat felt sore with all that stomach acid you felt disgusting. 

Pushing yourself up you rise to flush down your vomit, turning away to avoid inhaling the acidic stench. You gargle some water and brush your teeth before you push yourself into the shower stall. Sinking into your knees as you cried under the comfort of the rain shower.

♡ ❤ ♡

You feel just a tad bit better after your shower, that doesn’t eliminate the thoughts in your head though. Gosh, why did this just have to happen on the day of qualifiers. It’s been two months or so ever since Henry had broken up with you, and it's funny how the media hadn’t picked up on it, well neither has the team since you both spent so much time together even as you continued as friends.

You’re looking at the simple band on your finger when a knock interrupts your train of thoughts. You open the door to see Henry, holding two fruit cups and his gym bag, “Today’s the day!” He observes you as you let him in, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tries to decipher your muddled thoughts. “Did you sleep?”

“A bit.”

Unsatisfied by your response, “Here.” He hands you the fruit cup in your direction, knowing that you don’t eat that much for breakfast, he at least tries to get something in your system especially for a big competition like this, less he has you fainting in the middle of it. “Eat up, you need that.”

Your phone pings, and you see a message from Felix, but none from Chris.

Lix

Good luck Noona! The boys say hello as well! Fighting~!

Henry watches you through spoonfuls of watermelons and strawberries, trying to take a peek at who could possibly be texting you. “Felix, the other Australian in the group right? I swear that his voice of his does not fit his features.” Henry munches on his fruits frowning as he realizes you’re not eating. “Hey, eat.”

You humm in response pushing away at his hand holding up a spoonful of fruits to your lips. “I will just later.”

“Oi, your laters always become never so don’t you try that on me, eat.” You allow him to feed you the spoonful of fruits knowing that if you don’t allow him to take care of you he’d only continue his rant and you’re really not in the mood to argue with him.

Out of all the days, your dreams could bother you, why did it have to be now.

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it you’re in the locker rooms, you find yourself shaking, you can feel the nausea clawing up your throat again, despite the fact that you had vomited again for the second time that day just a little bit before you entered the locker rooms.

You find yourself looking at the ring Henry had given you, a promise to take care of yourself, you’re not doing so good on that promise though. When was the last time you had a decent conversation with Chan, you both had been so busy, that Felix could only leave you short texts a few times a week.

You push down your thoughts trying to focus on the competition. This was the qualifiers for goodness sake, your future, your country’s future was depending on this. You’re called to enter the venue, hurriedly you take your necklace and ring putting them into a container tugging on your jacket as you speed walk towards the pool.

Your eyes adjust to the bright lights of the indoor pool, blinking it out as you step into the starting block, this view, it’s nothing new, but why does it feel so different? You’re putting on your goggles and swimming cap barely having enough time to react as you're told to take your positions, you feel the vile clawing at the back of your throat, forcing yourself to push it down. God it’s so loud.

You feel your body move to recognize the beep that signals the start of the race. Diving into the cool waters, your body resurfaces to start the first style of the individual medley. You’re propelling your body up, you can hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. Your body feels completely out of sync, your limbs feel heavy like lead suddenly you’re reminded by the icy like vines dragging you down.

You feel yourself struggle against the current caused by the other swimmers, your vision darkens with lack of oxygen as you feel yourself struggle to breathe. And before you even realize, you feel your bare feet touch the tiled floor of the pool. Tears are pooling at your eyes as you hang your head in shame, you hear the crowd begin to whisper in shock at your actions. And you know exactly what they’re saying. 

You’ve been disqualified.

You’re dashing towards the bathroom again, that nauseous feeling now evident more than ever, finding the nearest toilet, you heave. Your stomach contracts violently again and again, forcing the contents of your stomach up until there is nothing left, sinking into your knees you feel weak and tired. Your vision darkens once more, your consciousness fading in and out, you feel drained with everything fading into black.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Hello, is this Christopher Bang? You’re registered as one of miss Y/n L/n ‘s emergency contacts, we’d like to inform you that she’s currently hospitalized under our care. She fainted after vomiting quite a bit, we’re running a few tests for now but once she’s hydrated you can take her home.” The rest of the nurse’s words fly over his head, it seems as if his heart had gained a few pounds at how heavy it seemed all of a sudden, with fear gripping his throat at what could have happened to you.

“Hyung, noona got disqualified at the qualifiers.” Felix tugs at his shirt, showing him his phone, which had the picture of you standing in the middle of the pool as the other competitors continue swimming around you.

Chan can feel his heart drop to the pit of his stomach in shock at seeing the news of your disqualification. Questions begin to bother him, wondering why you had done that, why you stopped in the middle of a competition, and especially during the qualifiers.

“I gotta go.”

Luckily their manager asks no question once the leader mentions it's an emergency, anxious, he bounces his leg in worry, as his manager drives him as fast as possible towards the hospital’s address. His manager is barely at the entrance before the idol is running towards the information booth asking for your room number. 

He’s dodging past patients and doctors as he scrambles towards the staircase, knowing that the elevator would take too long, once he’s in front of your room, he’s panting in exhaustion. But to his dismay he finds a nurse in it, cleaning up a few things she’s shocked at the sight of the idol before she tells him you’re in the playground.

It’s odd to find the playground open at this hour. It’s a tad bit after five in the afternoon, the sun has begun to set. He sees you sitting by the swing in a hospital gown, approaching your figure, the cup of vanilla-flavored ice cream you’re playing with catches his eyes.

He kneels before you, meeting your downcast eyes, your once luminous eyes are replaced with watery red-rimmed eyes. He feels his heartbreak at the sight of your trembling figure, taking your hands into his he realizes how cold they are. 

He’s at a loss of words, he finds himself unable to reassure you, comfort you, or say anything at all. His eyes scan your face, noticing how your features have become sunken, with your cheekbones more prominent along with the dark bags under your eyes. You’ve lost weight.

“It started a little bit after that issue with that one reporter.” You begin answering the questions of how it had started. “After he had asked me whether me dating Henry would affect my swimming, the nightmares soon followed, then I kept getting scolded during training, at first I thought it was just a slump, but I kept getting stuck. I heard all these expectations asking if I’d be breaking a new record, will I be topping the rankings again, will I be getting gold? All these questions I couldn’t even answer myself. Then the nightmares worsened, and I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares would bother me so much. All these expectations of me, it began to tire me out, I couldn’t even hold a consistent record.” Chan allows you to pour out your pent up frustrations knowing you had probably kept these to yourself over the past few months.

“I plan to take a break.” You’re looking towards the sunset, admiring the different hues of pink and orange in the sky. Such a beautiful sight contrasting the tragic situation you had managed to place yourself in. “I want to travel a bit, leave behind everything, clear up my mind.” The vanilla-flavored ice cream’s melting, but you make no move to eat it, watching it change from its solid phase to liquid, you stir the sticky mixture.

“I’ll come with you, I’m sure I can talk to the company-”

“Chris, you’ve come this far for your dream. I can’t have you throw away everything you’ve worked hard for, you can’t leave the boys, you’d put the team at a disadvantage. You would not only be throwing away your future, but theirs as well.” You press your palms into his cheeks, thumb tracing where his dimple would be. “I want to do this on my own, I made a promise to someone that I’d find my own happiness, and I want to find happiness within myself. I’ll be fine Chris.”

The older boy feels the metal band dig into his cheeks. “Are you engaged to Henry?” The question brings giggles to your tear-stained cheeks, finding it funny that despite your speech, he still had half the mind to ask you about Henry.

“No you dummy, we broke up months ago. I also found out about that little conversation you had with him. This is a promise ring. He wanted me to find happiness with you, but I can’t be dependent on you, I want to heal on my own before I want to try a relationship with you. So this is another goodbye for us.” Chan hadn’t even realized he’d been crying till you’re wiping his tears. “Plus it’s you who had always told me that if we were meant to be fate will find a way for us.” 

“Will you come back?” 

“I won’t make any promises but time will tell. So no more promises between us, Chris.” You’re tilting his head, to press your lips into his soft ones, with your hand by his nape you play with the soft tufts of hair that pokes out of the cap he wears. Chan remembers you tasting as sweet as the vanilla-flavored ice cream that sits by the corner, melting under the warm rays of the sun that sets behind you both.

x.

What would you say to someone you’ve missed again again, when you see them after the many years that you’ve repeatedly let them go. Would you say I love you? Hello? Would you act nonchalant, or would you welcome them with a tight hug.

It’s been a year since he’s last seen you. He finds himself in a nearby ice cream parlor to fight off his writing block, knowing that staying cooped up in the studio would only leave him flustered and unable to produce. He’s also taking a break from how loud his members could get, so he left anything work-related taking a breather.

The year had surprisingly passed on quickly, the media had died down with you traveling across the globe, it makes Chan wonder how are you, what you’re thinking about what you’re doing. 

All news of your breakdown had been taken down, even the late news of your break up with Henry, any sightings of you had been quickly erased, it makes Chan wonder whether your father had a hand in this, knowing that your stepmother was quite influential with the media. 

The wind chimes by the door twinkle with the entrance of a new customer. “Can I get two scoops of vanilla please.” Chan looks up from his phone at hearing the accented Korean. He sees you by the counter dressed in a summer dress perfect for the sunny weather, he sees the bounce and confidence in your steps he hadn’t even realized you had lost. 

Time seems to still as the idol struggles to comprehend its you, the person he had lost time and time again. Not some picture on his phone, nor are you the figment of imagination he uses when he makes his music, it’s actually you. 

He sees your lips part in a silent gasp almost dropping the cup of ice cream in shock. Chan struggles to formulate a thought in the languages he’s fluent in, he could only sigh as he finds himself within your embrace and suddenly everything falls into place. 

After you had left him to travel, Chan had sworn that if he met you again, he would make things right. Fate had tested you both again and again, and maybe this was her sign for you both.  No more wasting time, no more regrets.

[workingonit-currently]

Oxventure in university AU

So let’s get a few things on paper, or the internet in this case.

Corazon (At the start)

He is, at the start, enrolled in all higher classes.

Gold trimmed blazer, neat beautiful brown hair similar to a honey glazed brownie cake

Blue tie is the only thing he is comfortable in, the tie tied around his clean, tough, ironed shirt that digs into his neck

Is the son of the head of the buisness that owns the school as a branch.

Gets tutoring at his house, inschool, literally any time he has time and even when he doesn't

pale skin with pink hints and dark stormy eyes

Hair is always brushed neatly, cleanly and tightly back in a upper-class look that screams 'punch me in the face, I'm better than you and I KNOW it'.

Literally NO blemishes, doesn’t speak much and doesn’t like interacting with people

Sharp angles on his face, cheekbones and a cut chin that he hates and his hair highlights. 

Brooding and tired looking, snappy and defensive

Hair is uncomfortable.

Overly confident and hides behind his name

Goes by nothing but everyone knows he’s called Percival 

Gets collected from school everyday by a black large car with tinted windows, his father never comes to pick him up

Doesn’t take any creative subjects, is forced to stay late every day, always the first to school and the last to leave.

Dob (At the start)

Enrolled in higher classes but a mix of creative and ‘academic’, whatever that means.

When not in class, which is very often where he is not, playing the guitar or singing or climbing or sleeping, just enjoying life. (Maybe doing all at once.)

Messy hair that still somehow looks amazing and rugged, rich oak brown

Leather jacket with fur on the hood, loose jeans and scrapes and cuts everywhere

Typical jock with muscles, a strong build, a square but rounded face, loose smile and free roaming spirit. 

Pink, fleshy cheeks and skin with small freckles.

A thin, deep scar on his check that isn’t noticeable unless you’re very close and very lucky, it’s just not noticable

Cuts and bruises everywhere, dirt and dust on his hands

Calloused fingers and tough skin

Friendly, load, lazy and generally unreliable. (forgetful, disloyal and free roaming.)

He’s got potential, a lot of it but refuses to apply it

No one knows what his teal name is but everyone just calls him Dob

Doesn't like doing work, misses most classes but still gets second highest in the class or in the top five

Doesn't take music and he mainly focuses on art as a subject, turning up, submitting great work and actually trying

Often ends up with SOMETHING on his hands, clothes, face or in his mouth. (Not in that way!)

Dorms in school, leaves classes way to early, starts school to early and likes to stay out after dark, walking, observing and chilling.

Refuses to try out for any sports though is seemingly great at them all.

Prudence (At the start)

Enrolled in higher sciences, takes art but mostly hangs out in the physics lab

No one ever sees her walk to class, she just appears

Sometimes likes to correct teachers or talk back to them, depending on how short her fuse is that day

Hates music and more than once has trained a bird to peck at Dob when he starts playing, she has to keep training more because eventually Dob befriends the bird.

Listens to music in her room, in school and blasts it while experimenting.

Every Thursday in the Physics room everybody knows not to go there, Prudence has it all to herself. No one has made it out alive yet.

Sharp jaw and face, pursed lips and glares

Snaps at people, sneers, laughs at misfortune and likes annoying people

Ofte 'accidently' makes life a lot easier for new student, stressed or struggling students and nice students. (Accidently of course. Who can say who made Mr Stormthorn sick when you were suppose to have a test that you were soo stressed about you almost bumped into Prudence and had to hurridly explain everything while she glared at you, who can say who locked the angry sports teacher in his car for your lesson.)

Hands in her homework very early, arrives just as school starts

Gets very sunburnt easily after spending half an hour in the sun, leading to her often having a fancy shade umbrella when forced to go outside.

Has after-school activities most days but no one knows what they are

Once blew up the science block

Every calls her by her full name and no one dares shorten it or call her her last name. (Most don't know it but thise who do find themselves without a tounge before they can use it.)

Dorms in school but likes to watch the night from her window, sometimes throws rocks at Dob and Corazón but she knows they can avoid them. (She did hit Cor at one point and the next day he found a very fancy note on his desk with a book on pirates and history.)

Merilwen (At the start)

Enrolled in most creative subjects, music, art, social studies, history, gardening and a few others

Takes higher biology and sits next to Dob

Likes to smile at everyone except jerks, smiles at nice teachers and Dob

Has a secret cat called Simon in her room

Goes home every day once school ends and arrives at a normal time every morning

Round face, sweet smile, soft hands and light brown hair

Usually wearing spring soft colours, greens mostly but she likes brown

Has her own garden in the school that she works on every lunch instead of eating

Loves animals and is the ONLY petson in the entire school who has ever come close to, fed and stroked Oswald, the school cat that looks more like a tiny bear than a cat and is known for ripping things and people to shreds

Seems nice but a dude called Mack once kicked a mouse that she had put down in the school greenhouse to take it back to her room and he was never heared from again, apparently he transferred to a 'special-needs' school.

Sends you her work, takes notes and wakes people up when sleeping

Has after school clubs on Monday and Wednesday. (Gardening and something to do with animals.)

Egbert (At the start)

Enrolled in three higher classes, chemistry, gardening and Spanish

Explodes more often than not in chemistry, all his plants die in gradening and he gets to nervous in Spanish to say anything so it's a miricle he manages to do anything

Often is late to school, classes and stays to long after lessons, checking up on teachers and handing it crumpled work

Rushed everything

Often forgets breakfast so ends up eating in class

Get distracted easily and is running everywhere

Dorms in school and sleeps very often

Soft features and warm real smiles and hugs

Likes to bring in cake for people, snacks and coffee for random strangers he thinks need them and most teachers think he's sweet despite being a little below average in class

Gets great grades in chemistry and a few other subjects but no one knows how. (Most theorise he bribes them with sweets and is a suck-up.)

Plays football, hocket and cricket for the school, he often is powerfup but not accurate.

Clumbsy, worn clothes, messy hair and wild eyes

Likes to touch. (Run his hands through his hair, hug people, hold peoples hands, grab onto stuff, feel pens, chew pencils, grab desks, put an arm around people who need it, grab people, poke stuff.)

Golden hair with random spots of brown

Tall and bulky but friendly and warm.

Loud and jokey but often gets stressed easily and emotional

Is sad when no one can see him, cries easily, wants friends and sleeps with soft toys

[nothingnothingaaa]

‘We all have Hoop Dreams’: Bittersweet tale of first 'reality TV show'

By Motez Bishara, May 4 2019 (CNN)

When Dwyane Wade was a 12-year-old shooting jumpers on the playgrounds of Chicago, a movie came out that would help navigate him through his future Hall of Fame career.

Released in 1994, "Hoop Dreams" shadowed the bumpy fortunes of Arthur Agee and William Gates, two inner-city Chicago youths dreaming of NBA stardom.

Wade's path to the Final Four with Marquette and championships with the Miami Heat would be lined with the same challenges faced by Agee and Gates, including the pressures of injury and young parenting, and the avoidance of drugs and gun violence.

Twenty-five years since its premier, "Hoop Dreams" still impacts Wade. "I watched it many times, and it resonated with me because we all have hoop dreams," the recently retired three-time NBA champion tells CNN.

"Growing up in Chicago you struggle," he adds, "I look at "Hoop Dreams" and I can see myself in those individuals at the time."

Film critics like the late Roger Ebert lauded the three-hour documentary for exposing a side of America rarely depicted at the time: A class system stacked against the poor, coinciding with rising corruption in youth basketball.

Filmmakers Steve James (left), Peter Gilbert (centre) and Fred Marx worked on a very thin budget until three years into "Hoop Dreams," when they were able to secure enough funding for the project.

So what has changed since then?

College basketball is coming off a thrilling season, but faces intense scrutiny as a second corruption trial involving shady figures and illicit payments around the sport unravels in court. Meanwhile, Agee and Gates remain close -- bonded not just by their fame from "Hoop Dreams," but two devastating murders in their families.

"You can't script this stuff," says Gates, 47, a youth basketball coach in San Antonio, Texas, to CNN. "Our stories continue to (overlap) like that, because he lost Bo and we lost Curtis."

Gates' brother Curtis, a former high school star who flamed out, and Agee's father Bo were both featured on screen. Curtis was shot in 2001, reportedly in a dispute over a woman, while Bo - whose redemption from crack addiction and jail time was a seminal part of the film - was killed in a robbery three years later.

"It was very heartbreaking," adds Agee, who still lives in the West Side of Chicago, not far from where he grew up. "It's so eerie that me and William always say "Hoop Dreams" was a gift and a curse, and we both lost people that played a big part of our lives.

"And then for both of us not to make the NBA, you know, that eeriness, that gift and a curse is there."

Though neither athlete played in the NBA, both received college scholarships -- no small feat coming from the dire housing projects they grew up in.

Agee, 46, who attended Arkansas State, went on to play professionally in the now-defunct USBL and had a stint with the Harlem Globetrotters. He then turned to acting, with small parts in a film and commercials.

Agee remains tied to "Hoop Dreams," which provides his motivational speaking platform in schools, and still inspires viewers to send warm messages from places as far off as Australia and China. He also sells apparel inspired by the film, including a throwback jersey from his school days.

Gates was the more heralded of the two, receiving interest from top college basketball programs and a grant to attend the prestigious St. Joseph's high school -- the same school that is shown releasing Agee, seemingly for not playing well enough as a freshman.

But Gates blew out his knee at 16, then rushed back to the court after surgery and re-injured it. Though he played at Marquette University, the injury crippled his pro potential.

"For me, it's bittersweet on many levels," says Gates about the film which he has not watched in over 16 years. "It was a constant reminder of what could have been and what didn't happen, and also a reminder that Curtis is no longer here to hear his voice."

Nevertheless, he looks back on "Hoop Dreams" as a "life turning situation," one that led to an allegiance with Michael Jordan, who invited him to pickup games before his comeback with the Washington Wizards. (An injury derailed Gates' own tryout with the Wizards, however.)

"It has opened doors," he says. "It has done things that I never thought would happen in my life."

Dwyane Wade is pictured dunking the ball.

THE FIRST REALITY SHOW

What began as a short film idea from director Steve James and producer Frederick Marx to shoot Chicago playground basketball in 1987 with a budget of $2,000 quickly took on greater ambitions.

The pair hired Peter Gilbert as a cinematographer (later added as a producer), and the trio followed Gates and Agee on and off for nearly five years. With 250 hours of footage to edit, the production took seven years in total, eventually raising the $750,000 necessary for completion.

When it was finally released in 1994, "Hoop Dreams" went viral, though the term had not yet been coined. It was nominated for best film editing at the Oscars, but snubbed for best documentary and picture, which had critics like Ebert up in arms.

"I've actually gotten way more mileage personally as a filmmaker out of not being nominated than I ever would have by getting nominated," says James, who stays in contact with Agee and Gates. "Over the years a lot more people seem to be upset on our behalf than I was personally."

By the time it ended its theatrical run, "Hoop Dreams" became the then-highest grossing documentary of all time, paving the way for hundreds of sports documentaries and streaming series currently on air.

"I call it the first reality show," says Gates. "I think it was groundbreaking."

Gates' enrollment in Marquette was mirrored exactly 10 years later by Wade, who also struggled to qualify academically for an NCAA scholarship and sat out his first year for academic reasons, the university confirmed.

Wade shared other similarities with both Agee and Gates, including feeling the pressure to rush back to action after knee injury which required surgery at Marquette. Though the operation was successful, Wade later said it led to complications as a pro.

"I watched it when I was at Marquette from a different (angle), knowing that (Gates) was staying in the same dorm that I was standing in," says Wade, who -- also like Gates -- was caring for a child (son Zaire) while in college.

Wade was separated from his mother Jolinda at a young age when she succumbed to drugs, leading to spells in jail. Like Agee's father Bo, she turned to religion after getting clean, now serving as a church minister.

"Obviously, I was able to make it," but there are challenges, he adds. "What I learned at the time is you learn a lot about other people sharing their story."

William Gates was a 17-year-old high school junior when his daughter Alicia was born.

CONTROLLED CORRUPTION

Rewatching "Hoop Dreams" 25 years later lends perspective to how fast top college recruits are forced to grow up, and how much is at stake early on.

Gates' daughter was born when he was 17, during his junior year of high school. Trying to be a father and student while rehabilitating from two knee surgeries to make it as the next Isiah Thomas -- the former St Joe's and NBA star who makes a cameo in the movie -- became too much to bear.

By the movie's final scene, with his passion for the game already waning, Gates remarks, "When somebody says, 'When you get to the NBA, don't forget about me,' I should say to them, 'Well if I don't make it, you don't forget about me."

It's no wonder he needed a break from the sport by his third year at Marquette.

"I didn't feel like a 19 or 20 year-old-kid, I felt like a kid who had been working 10 to 12 years at a job," Gates says, estimating that basketball practice and travel would take up to 60 hours a week in college. "I had a lot on my plate."

Agee had his own growing up to do, with his academics thrown into disarray after his brief spell at St Joe's, followed by Bo walking out and his mother Sheila losing her job.

In one scene, Sheila cannot pay her electricity bill and the family is left without power, while a clearly humiliated Agee broods at the camera.

(The filmmakers pitched in to get the power back on, leaving that detail out of the film. "We didn't want to look self-serving, but we felt an obligation to do that much for them," says James.)

Agee transferred to Marshall High, leading the team on an improbable city championship and state semifinal run.

In recent years the public high school has been rocked by gun violence, leaving seven former basketball players dead and two paralysed, including Agee's ex-teammate Shawn Harrington.

"I didn't let St. Joe's defeat me; I didn't let my neighbourhood and my environment pull me in to gain drugs, carrying the guns -- that whole lifestyle," Agee reflects.

It helped that the teenagers had the right people on their sides. Gates and Agee admit they were given cash during their basketball ascent by the likes of so-called street agents, drug dealers and university affiliates who often helped promising players.

In "Hoop Dreams" Agee pays for Air Jordan gear at a store with money received from drug pushers. While at Arkansas State, he says a "big street pharmacist" whose team he played for in a high school summer league bought him a car.

"That was part of the deal," says Gates of being offered gifts from universities as a highly touted recruit, before committing to Marquette. "It was like, 'Hey, you need anything let us know.' And you let them know and they took care of stuff.

"Hey I need transportation, hey I need clothes, I need shoes. They figured out how to get it to you," he says. "They did it through a friend of the program that you didn't even know was a friend of the program. That's the way it was."

In response, Marquette said it "is committed to the highest ethical standards for the recruitment and retention of our student-athletes," while Arkansas State said it had no knowledge of Agee's car purchase and that "there are too many unknown variables to comment further about a relationship from approximately 25 years ago."

Arthur Agee was recruited to play at St Joseph Arthur Agee was recruited to play at St Joseph's prep school as an eighth grader. A year later he was asked to leave, and his parents were billed for tuition they struggled to pay for.

Arthur Agee was recruited to play at St Joseph's prep school as an eighth grader. A year later he was asked to leave, and his parents were billed for tuition they struggled to pay for.

Somewhat fittingly, Gates is now a full-time coach in the Amateur Athletic Union (AAU), the collection of summer leagues that insiders say has replaced high school basketball as the launching pad for college prospects.

Among the players that have passed through Team Hoop Dreams are all three of Gates' sons, William Jr., a recent graduate of Houston Baptist University, Jalon, a junior guard at Houston Baptist, and Marques, currently in high school.

AAU has come under fire by an ongoing FBI investigation involving sneaker companies funnelling money towards recruits to land at big university programs. The AAU told CNN it does not fund its teams, calling the situation an "apparel company scandal, not an AAU scandal."

"People are buying and selling players; it's a human trafficking market." says Michael Sokolove, author of "The Last Temptation of Rick Pitino," which sheds light on college basketball corruption.

Multiple federal investigations have led to guilty pleas from four college assistants on bribery charges, the conviction of an Adidas executive, and the firing of Pitino from Louisville.

Pitino maintains he had "no knowledge" of infractions during his tenure as Louisville's head coach. James Gatto, Adidas' former head of global sports marketing, is appealing his nine-month prison sentence for wire fraud and conspiracy charges in connection with a $100,000 offer to the father of a Louisville recruit.

With athletic wear companies paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to support top AAU programs, the potential to use them as a means to distribute money to the families of top players or an influential coach is high, says Sokolove.

"Some of this is laundered money. These teams can be used as pass through," he says, adding that the ultimate goal is to breed loyalty with players who become walking advertisements for the shoe companies on the court.

The stakes have become much higher to land top recruits like Gates was in the days of "Hoop Dreams," notes Sokolove. "There are more people with their hands in the cookie jar and the kids are largely pawns in this whole endeavour."

In 2017 the NCAA surpassed $1 billion in revenue, mostly through TV rights, while top players like Zion Williamson of Duke are limited to a compensation of tuition, room and board with a modest stipend.

Like many around the sport, Gates thinks college players need to get paid. He suggests universities contribute $100,000 towards a "graduation fund" for the player if he stays in school four years "to get prepared to live life."

Gates sees the current NBA age requirement of 19 as an obstacle towards paying black athletes, calling it a "controlled corruption" not seen in mostly white sports like baseball, tennis, golf or soccer.

"The two sports that are heavily dominated by African-Americans, it seems like there is always an issue when it comes to money," he says. (The NFL enforces a three-year rule before most college football players can turn pro.)

NCAA president Mark Emmert told the Associated Press this month that the organisation has "serious issues which require serious change," but paying players will remain unlikely.

William Gates (centre) is now an AAU coach in Texas. His sons William Jr. (left) and Jalon played together at Houston Baptist University.

PART OF A BIGGER STORY

Coinciding with the movie's anniversary, Gates and his wife Catherine just celebrated their 25th year of marriage. The eldest of their four children Alicia, who was born during filming, is 30 and works as a dental hygienist.

For years Gates would not allow his sons to watch all of "Hoop Dreams," fearing the scenes of his injuries would spook them. He finally relented, though Will Jr underwent four knee procedures of his own in college.

Agee has fathered five children, with his youngest Devin a budding youth basketball player in his own right. Devin's mother Jennifer Genovesi stood by Agee in the wake of a 2017 arrest after a woman accused him of battery.

Agee was quick to call James -- who he refers to as an uncle -- to assure him of his innocence. The charges were dropped shortly afterward.

"I'm part of a bigger story in this film. I never want to bring any despair or negativity into the story," Agee says. "He was like, 'We'll get through it together,' and that was good as that."

"I feel like they know that I'm here for them," says James, the film's director.

The special bond between the parties involved in the film was reflected once "Hoop Dreams," which was never expected to be a commercial success, caught fire. In a highly unusual step, Agee and Gates were made equal partners by the producers.

"They weren't just filmmakers," says Agee. "They came in over a period of time and got to know me and my family, and then stayed in touch."

Arthur Agee bought his mother Sheila a house with royalties earned from "Hoop Dreams." He now uses the film as material for his job in motivational speaking.

Gates and Agee first received nearly $200,000 each, and Agee promptly brought his parents a four-bedroom house in a suburb.

His mother, Sheila Agee, who was seen at the end of the movie graduating tops in her nursing class, relocated to Alabama in the wake of Bo's death.

After Curtis' murder, Gates was given an unlikely last shot at the NBA at age 29 with a tryout with the Chicago Bulls. But bad luck struck again when he caught the flu on the day of the workout.

"I said maybe God doesn't want me to play basketball," he reflects. "That's when my ministry life began to open up."

Gates received his master's in biblical studies and worked as a pastor at the Cabrini Green housing project he grew up in before settling in Texas.

He is thankful that Curtis got to meet Jordan before he was killed -- another imprint tied to his fame from the film.

"What came along with that was the responsibility to teach, educate, be a friend, have some compassion and show some understanding," Gates says.

"I've been very honoured, privileged and grateful to be part of "Hoop Dreams," he reflects. "It's been super amazing to be a part of something that has withstood the test of time."

[maxerikson]

My Career Troubles

Throughout my life I have had trouble with my career choices. During my early elementary school years, I obviously had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was only around the fourth grade that I began taking my own aspirations somewhat seriously. Throughout the rest of my time in elementary school and middle school, I had a lot of different career aspirations: Detective, archaeologist, music producer, photographer, cook, restaurant manager, and seaman. Those last two were the results of taking a career aptitude test. However, it was not until late into my second semester of the eighth grade that I thought I realized what I should be: a video game writer.

Well, not exactly. I wanted to be the person who came up with the ideas for video games, but I had no idea what title that person went by. I eventually learned that they were called a “game designer,” but then I found out that “designer” is what every member of the development team is called, and then I found out that the person in charge of a game’s development is called the “director”. However, the idea for a game doesn’t always come from the director—it can come from any member of the development. Besides, “video game director” is a position you have to be promoted to, so I would have to start as something else.

Unfortunately, I did not learn most of this until the twelfth grade. I think I was late into the school year too by this time. I tried finding as much information as I could throughout high school, but it was not until I was about to graduate that I found anything that was actually helpful. Also, there are barely any video game companies in the state I grew up in. The number one problem is that this type of career goal requires a good fallback or backup career; although I feel like everyone should have some sort of backup for their primary career goals, regardless of what those goals are. This lack of a secondary career path led to one of the biggest mistakes in my life: rushing into college.

I graduated from an online high school in August 2010, and then enrolled in college the very next month. I chose retail management as my major, thinking that I could pursue a career in selling video games as my backup for a career in creating video games. However, I badly needed a job to pay for tuition, and I eventually stopped doing my assignments to focus more on the job hunt. I really should have thought it over more. By the way, I promised myself that I would never, ever take out a loan in my entire life, so student loans were not an option for me. I loathe the idea of having to spend the rest my life paying back money.

Over a year after I first enrolled in college, I enrolled in a career school, choosing hotel/restaurant management as my major. This time, I did put a good amount of thought into this decision before going through with it, and I had help from family to pay for tuition. Then I had my first lesson. Right there, in the very first text that I was assigned to read, I was told that a diploma in hotel/restaurant management did not mean anything without some work experience. I should have switched majors right then and there, because it was basically telling me that this entire course was pointless, but no, I didn’t; I stuck with the course, earned my diploma, and then failed miserable at finding any sort of job at any hotel or restaurant. I think the biggest problems were that I had written that I would not cook meat in my resume, and that I lived in a town full of close-minded people who did not believe in online education.

At some point while reading this, you were probably thinking, “Why not aim for a degree in computer science? That way you could get a job as a video game programmer, and you would have computer skills that could get you jobs in several other industries as well.” That is because I hated computers, and did not want any job that revolved around them. However, in late 2012, I realized that computers are just going to become more and more important in every job out there, so I had to get more used to them. I decided to go all-in with this and re-enrolled in college for an associate of science in graphic design.

On December 3, 2015, after almost three years of College Take Two, I earned my degree; but there were two problems. Halfway through my course, I realized that I care way more about the stories and characters from my video game ideas than I did actual gameplay, and that I should be trying to turn my ideas into TV shows instead of video games. That’s actually how they started out, by the way. During the second half of elementary school, I began coming up with ideas for TV shows. Late into middle school, I imagined those shows getting video game adaptations. I then exclusively imaged them as video games. As a result, when thinking about what I should do for a career, I decided I should turn these imaginary games into reality. The second problem was that there was way less demand for graphic designers than I thought, at least where I lived. I pretty much had to apply to jobs out of state, but no-one was willing to do interviews over the phone or webcam. I couldn’t even get jobs in cities I could drive to, because I never got my driver’s license! I couldn’t, there was no-one to teach me and I hate driving!

It took so long to get hired for a job that was related to my field. I eventually got a work-from-home contract job as a photo editor, adding new backgrounds to pictures of cars and trucks so they could be used for advertisements. I hated this job. At first, it was OK. I was fine with it. Over time, I got better at it; but at some point, I peaked, and there were just not enough tasks for me to take. Not only was I never able to make enough money to move out and live on my own, but I eventually got worse at the job, which got more and more stressful as the solitude and monotony got to me.

After a year of working at this job, I decided that I needed a change in career. After three months of carefully thinking about it, I enrolled at my local community college to get a degree in therapeutic massage. Unfortunately, I was unwilling to ask my relatives to help me cover tuition again, and my photo editing job wasn’t paying enough to help, so I had to take out a student loan. I promised myself I would never take out a loan, and I broke that promise. To this day, I hate myself for doing that.

Towards the end of my first semester, I quit my job as a photo editor, which was negatively affecting my health. I got one A and three B’s for my first semester, but I dropped two of my second semester classes before it ended. I could no longer get a degree in massage therapy, but I could still get a vocational certificate. However, I had to transfer to another school in another state. I was homeless during my time at this college, and the massage therapy class was in danger of shutting down due to a lack of students. I liked massage therapy, but I had to drop out.

Now I’m living in Canada with my birth family, working another job I hate while waiting out a pandemic so I can find a job in retail or entertainment. There is a lesson here that I want everyone reading this to take away from my story: do your researching and think very carefully about what you want to do for a career. Do not rush into college before knowing what you want to study or what you want to do once you graduate. If you don’t know what to do by the time you finish high school, then take a year off; take two if you have to! Just don’t rush into your post-high school life, or you may just regret it.

[onhirel]

Can’t Help Falling In Love

To say that Amanda was surprised when Diana suddenly appeared in front of her while she was eating breakfast in the dining hall would probably be the understatement of the century. They existed in some of the same social circles and both attended some of the more hoity-toity events that the various ultra-wealthy families that their own families were affiliated with held (and that Amanda despised, by the way) and of course whenever Amanda threw a big party on or near the campus, Diana usually showed up. But it wasn’t like Amanda sought her out in person for those. Diana heard about an Amanda party, Diana went to an Amanda party...but then, so did most of the campus. Their face-to-face interactions beyond passing greetings were few and far between. And so, Diana appearing at her breakfast table, blushing slightly and not meeting her eyes, well...it was kinda a big thing.

“Uh, can I help you?” Amanda asked with a quirked eyebrow. Her words weren’t mean, of course...if anything, her tone betrayed her confusion.

“I...need your help,” Diana said, hesitantly, and Amanda’s eyebrow rose to meet the one already raised. Diana, asking her for help? Now, that was singularly unheard of. They were in different academic programs, so it couldn’t be coursework related...though, on second thought, even if they shared every single last class together, Diana still wouldn’t be asking for her help. The British transfer student’s academic exploits were legendary, with some even saying that she could teach the classes that she was enrolled in. Amanda’s grades...were not that good. Not bad, of course, she was definitely on track to graduate, but yeah, Diana wouldn’t be coming to her for help with schoolwork.

So...the party scene? That didn’t quite seem right either. Diana was always reserved and almost aloof while at any social gathering, seeming to draw dignity and poise about her like armor so that she was the talk of the party, not necessarily an active part of it. Amanda would also wager that Diana’s presence at her parties was the result of Diana feeling that she had to go, not because she wanted to go. So she didn’t think it was something party related. Which really only left one thing. Smirking as she leaned back in her chair, Amanda almost triumphantly crossed her arms over her chest. “So, finally deciding to act?” she asked as she nodded at the empty chair opposite to her.

Frowning in confusion, Diana nonetheless sat down. “Pardon?” she asked.

“Oh, come on. You’re coming to me for help. The only thing that you would come to me for help with is our mutual friend, Akko. I’ve noticed the goo-goo eyes you’ve been sending her. You’ve finally gotten off your high horse and decided to do something about it.”

Diana’s lips tightened slightly. “Very astute for a student with a 2.11 GPA.”

Ignoring the dig (because that’s not a fight she wanted to have this early in the morning...especially not with a 4.0 student) Amanda pressed on. “But then begs the question...what changed?” she asked, and given Diana’s stony stare, she wasn’t going to share. But then, Amanda realized with a blink, she didn’t have to. “You heard the song she sang last night, didn’t you?”

Diana sucked in a deep breath as she looked away. “And your conversation with her afterwards,” she admitted in a soft voice that was only just barely able to be heard over the bustle of the dining hall.

“Oh ho! Didn’t peg the high and mighty Diana Cavendish to be an eavesdropper!” Amanda crowed, and the look that Diana shot her was frankly unamused. “A’ight, so, if I help you out, what do I get?”

Diana pursed her lips. “Hannah England’s phone number.”

“Interesting, but a useless offer,” Amanda scoffed, waving a dismissive hand. “I already have it.”

“What?”

“I already have it. Diana, you’re talking to THE Amanda O’Neill. I have everyone’s phone number.”

“Fine, you have her phone number. But do you have the knowledge that she has the biggest crush on you?”

That shut Amanda up. She had always kind of hoped, but couldn’t be too certain if the auburn-haired girl was interested in her. Having a definitive answer one way or the other. “Okay. You have my interest. If I help you, will you help me?”

“Of course. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

Amanda nodded, mind already racing. “Alright, Akko is stupid romantic, as in she’s romantic but can be absolutely block headed when it comes to these things. So, whatever you do should be grand in scale and leave no doubt that you...” she drew off, eyes widening. “Hey, do you play piano?”

xxxXXXxxx

Akko was bored out of her mind as she sat slouched in her chair, waiting for class to begin. And it sucked, because she knew just how important adolescent psychology was for teachers, especially for teachers going into fields where the children were expected to be competitive with each other, like gym class. Being able to look out for signs of bullying and possible abuse as well as seeing where students with disabilities (even high functioning ones) could fit in and participate was so so so important!

...but oh my god was the class so boring! It was so frustrating to have such an important class be taught by so dull a professor. It took so much effort just to stay awake, and she just knew that she’d be lucky to walk away with a C in this class!

So engrossed in her own issues was she, that Akko didn’t notice Avery, one of her friends-through-Amanda, receive a text message and perk up in her chair several rows below Akko’s. She also didn’t notice Avery turn towards her, or notice how Avery lifted her phone towards her.

She did notice, however, the message that she received. She glanced at her phone, and noticed it was a video message from Amanda. Huh. That was somewhat unexpected. Another glance at the clock on the wall (because the professor apparently scheduled EVERYTHING based on that clock, which was often incorrect) revealed that she still had a good ten minutes before class started. Being late just the one time had convinced her well enough that being fifteen minutes early was the safe choice...who knew the cranky old bat would get that pissed because Akko was three minutes late.

Figuring she still had some time to spare, Akko opened the message, and it loaded quickly enough, revealing...Diana sitting at a piano in the campus’s musical section. What? She was expecting whatever stupid and funny video had decided to share, not...not this.

“You haven’t played this before, are you sure you’re okay?” a voice that Akko recognized as Amanda’s asked, revealing her to be the one holding the phone doing the recording, and Akko’s confusion grew. Just what was going on?

“I’ve been playing since I was seven and mastered Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata in its entirety when I was twelve, and have since moved on to much more difficult pieces,” Diana replied stiffly. “I’ll be fine.”

“Moonlight Sonata, that’s the really fast one, right?” Amanda asked.

Diana huffed, and then started playing, and her hands that were hidden from view by the piano must have been flying across the keys, given how quickly the notes poured from the instrument, and Akko recognized the Moonlight Sonata, played perfectly by her crush. Diana didn’t play for very long, allowing notes to fade into silence as she spoke. “Technically easy, but difficult to truly master.” Then she nervously licked her lips, and Akko’s heart fluttered in her chest. Diana, flustered? Perish the thought. “Now, can we get started? I don’t even know if we’re technically allowed in here,” she said with a faint blush, and Akko nearly swooned. How could the blonde be so beautiful and cute all at the same time?!

“Just waiting on you, princess.”

Diana rolled her eyes. “Countess, actually,” she sniffed before taking a deep breath before looking directly at the phone, and when she spoke again, her voice wavered slightly. “Akko, this song is for you. I heard your singing last night, and...and wanted to give you an answer.”

Akko blushed heavily at that, and hoped that no one was paying attention to how she was now imitating a tomato, but she wasn’t able to tear her eyes away from her phone even as her heart began to pound in her chest. Oh my god, Diana heard her?! She wanted to melt into her chair and disappear forever!

But then Diana began to play, and Akko’s embarrassment disappeared as she recognized the song. “No...” she whispered, almost in shock even as Diana started to sing, voice soft and crooning, heartfelt as she poured emotion into the lyrics, and Akko had never heard anything as beautiful as Diana’s British accented voice singing the words to a song that Akko never expected her to sing, especially not to her!

“Wise men say, Only fools rush in, But I can’t help, Falling in love with you.”

“Oh shall I stay, Would it be a sin? Oh, if I can’t help, Falling in love with you.”

“Like a river flows, Surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, Some things are meant to be.”

“Take my hand, Take my whole life too, Oh, for I can’t help, Falling in love with you.”

“Oh, like a river flows, Surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, Some things are meant to be.”

“Oh take my hand, Take my whole life too, For I can’t help, falling in love with you.”

“Oh for I, I can’t help, Falling in love with you.”

The notes faded into silence, and again Diana licked her lips, peering up through her eyelashes at the phone that Amanda was holding as she blushed prettily, obviously nervous. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she cleared her throat. “Do you...do you think she’ll like it?” she asked tentatively.

“I don’t know,” Amanda asked as the camera turned around, revealing the red-head’s smirking face. “Akko, did you like that?” There was a blur of movement and a tapping noise, and the video ended.

Akko blinked, surprised to find that her fingers were pressed against her lips and that her mouth was stretched in a wide grin. Oh. Oh she had places to be that wasn’t here. She hurriedly stuffed her notebook and text book into her overfull backpack, only pausing to shoot Amanda a hasty text: ‘where is she?’ Message sent, she left the classroom, ignoring the looks of surprise on all but one face.

Avery, for her part, uploaded the video she had taken of Akko’s first reaction to the video to a message. ‘Here u go, Amanda. Her first look as requested. She just left, think ur gonna have some company REAL quick.’ That task complete, Avery resolved herself to take good notes so that she could share them with Akko, as she didn’t expect to see the Japanese girl for quite some time. Girl doesn’t know what good friends she has, she mused to herself as the professor walked into the classroom. Still, glad to see that those two are finally doing something about their feelings!

[shu-draws-and-stuff]

Little Doll Chapter One

I didn’t realize till two days later

it was the mirror who took his breath away.

The monstrous old Victorian mirror

with the ornate gilt frame

—Paul Muldoon, "The Mirror"

Ejiri Chiasa is the daughter of the All-Seeing Hero— now known as Tragic Hero— Third Eye, who had lost his life during a villain incident when she was little. Fueled by her wish to become the better hero, Chiasa enrolls to Yuuei, the very same academy where her father graduated. She'll have face enemies she's never met before, meet unlikely allies, and swallow the cold hard truth about her father's death along the way. But, hey, a hero's journey is never easy.

Chapter One: It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Breaks the Damn Mirror

I spat out a choked gasp and sit up on my bed, clutching the bedsheets like a lifeline and panting like I just ran 20 miles. My hand flew to where my right eye is, safely tucked away behind my hair. Just seconds earlier, I thought I felt the familiar texture of blood flowing down the right side of my face. I thought I smelled the thick scent of smoke and ash. I thought I saw the building shattering into a million shards of glass.

Slowly, my breathing slowed down and my muscles unstiffened. My heartrate began to go back to normal and I just sat there, staring hard at my hands. The feeling of blood and its rusty red hue was still there and at the same time, it wasn't. I heaved a sigh and clench my eye shut.

"Shit."

My name is Ejiri Chiasa.

"Ms. Ejiri?"

I am fifteen years old.

"You... wish to study in Yuuei?"

And I always felt like I lived in a mirror.

The scratching sounds my pencil made abruptly stopped and I blinked a few times before looking up from my notes to stare at my homeroom teacher. He was an older man, around 40 or 50, with graying hair and evident wrinkles. He wore those square glasses almost every teacher had and he had the most uncomfortable expression plastered onto his features.

Apparently, he makes it a habit to stick his nose in other people's business.

All the quiet murmurs stopped at once, my classmates' heads doing 180° turns towards my direction. My eye hardens. "Yes? Is there a problem, sir?" I ask, fists clenching under the table.

I hated my middle school. I hated Nabu.

My homeroom teacher flinches. "Well, there is no problem, however..."

One of my classmates piped in before the old man can finish his thought. "Aren't you at least a little bit... uncomfortable?" Me? Uncomfortable? I don't even recall this bastard's name.

"Why would I be?"

"Don't you hate heroes?" What's-his-face stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

My eye widened a fraction and I look back at my desk. Hate was such a vague word. I didn't hate them, mind you. They're just idiots. All of them heroes are idiots. Cowards and idiots. Just as much as the people surrounding me are.

I sucked in a shaky breath.

"Please, just don't go anywhere. I promise I'll come back for you."

"I passed the mock exams." I managed to calmly say, my knuckles white under the wooden surface. I lift a hand to slightly fix the hair covering the right side of my face, watching as some of my classmates flinch.

"Papa! Papa's in there! Why can't you go in there and get my papa?!"

"I might as well try." I lifted my face in time to see their expressions turn grim. "Besides, is it any of your business?"

"Did you tell your mom yet?"

I perk up as Shinsou sat in front of me. Lunchtime came around and after my episode earlier, my classmates aren't that eager to sit next to me. As if they'd ever sit next to me. Pretentious assholes, the lot of them. Shinsou Hitoshi was the only bitch I've ever respected in this shithole.

After I transferred to Nabu, I was assigned to sit next to him. At first, we didn't talk to each other. He didn't comment about my father, I didn't take notice of his quirk. We mutually respected each other, I guess? Before I knew it, we'd grown to be friends after a few months. The guy had it rough, rougher than me. Having a quirk like his made people feel entitled to group him with villains. Villains, of all things. I never liked that.

"Tell her what?"

"The mock exams? Yuuei?"

"Bold of you to assume I'd tell her right away."

He squints his exhausted eyes at me. "You gotta tell her someday."

I hum and take a bite out of the omurice. "That ain't today, though. She'd go crazy if she found out." I rest my head on the palm of my hand, chewing slower than earlier. "I'll tell her after entrance exams. That way, she won't be able to stop me."

"She would still be able to stop you, though."

"Shut up."

"Maybe even disown you on the spot."

"I said shut up already."

"You know," Shinsou sighed, "if I were you, I'd tell your mother about it. Exam's in ten months, Ejiri, you can't train in secret with Inukai-san any longer." I cough and look away, avoiding the fact that he was, in fact, right.

"Yes, I can. Watch me." I scoff.

"Fine, it's your decision whether you follow my advice or not." He waved a hand around, vaguely gesturing to everything all the while leaning further into his seat. "To hell with your advice, Shinsou." I snort. I see him playfully roll his eyes at me and I snickered.

"By the way," Shinsou piped, "did you hear about the Sludge Villain incident yesterday?" I perk up at this; I caught a snippet of info about this on the TV last night but I didn't get the chance to hear the whole story. Something about a 'Bakuro Kazumi' or something. I can't remember. "I've heard the news here and there. What about it?" I reply.

"Apparently, two students our age were involved. One was actually held captive by the thief, while the other blindly rushed in and almost got himself killed." The purple-haired boy said. "Pretty dumb if you ask me." I snicker at his remark. The kid who rushed in probably got frustrated with the heroes' hesitation. Kudos to him. "Oh, and All Might was there." I stiffen a little at that.

"Oh really?" I goad.

"Yeah, he was tracking that guy the whole day. Thank God he managed to get him before anyone else got hurt." Shinsou continued and I clench my fists. "Yeah, thank God." I say, sarcasm dripping in my voice. "And that kid rushed in even when All Might was there? Weird."

"Alright, what is your deal with All Might?" Shinsou asked. "What do you mean?" I coyly asked. "You always act like this whenever someone mentions him in class. Do you not like him?" He asked.

Shamelessly, I replied, "Actually, yeah, I don't." He gave me another questioning look. "I just think people give him too much credit for what he does; it pisses me off. They glorify his 'many' accomplishments but choose to ignore the additional damage he did; or could do, even. I bet he got careless and lost that Sludge Villain in the first place!" Shinsou just sighs and scratches the back of his neck.

"Be thankful that I'm not one of his crazy fans or you'd be dead right now—" I cry out indignantly, "—and! I think you should try to see the guy in a different light."

"Eh?"

"I don't think All Might's that bad; you're just choosing to see him like that because you have this warped expectation of heroes." He replies. I sputter like an idiot.

"I do not—" "Yes, you do."

"Fine! I'm just saying; just because he's No. 1 doesn't mean he's all that great. Look at Endeavor, for Christ's sake." I blurt out. Shinsou just shakes his head at me. I continue my rant anyway. "The man's No. 2 but have you seen the way he acts? I thought we aren't allowed to burn trash anymore!"

"Whatever floats your boat. Come on, we gotta get to class." He pushed the chair back and stood up, as I did the same, cleaning up my bento box. "Time always passes you by in a flash, huh?" He murmured. We made our way to the corridors and halfway to the classroom, I noticed droplets of water splatter themselves across the window, decorating it in a symphony of small lights.

The soft pitter-patters of rain reached my ears and I caught a glimpse of lightning before hearing the thunder.

"Yeah," I mutter, though I'm sure Shinsou barely heard me, "time is an ass like that."

School was over in a blink of an eye and I found myself in front of my house under the rain with only the protection of my umbrella. My bag was slung over my shoulders. The plastic bag of groceries hung from my fingers. My shoes were wet. And I can feel my stomach dropping.

I push myself towards the front door and shake my umbrella, watching the droplets fall and splatter on the cement floor. In instinct, I thrust my hand into my bag to look for my keys. Hearing the familiar jingle, I bring them out and placed one in the keyhole. But, to my surprise, the door was already open. Immediately, my nerves start to tingle.

My mother shouldn't be home at this time.

I quickly place my keys in my bag and tighten my grip on the handle of my umbrella. Sucking in a breath, I turn the metal knob and crack open the door. The lights in the kitchen were on. My knuckles are white around the handle.

I quietly enter my home, the wooden planks barely making a sound under my weight. I make it past the living room and through the hallway, edging closer and closer to the kitchen. Once I got to the doorway, I suck in another breath. There might be a stranger in my home. There might be a criminal in my home. Best case scenario, it's just Inukai-san or my mother. I don't want to think about the worst case scenario.

"AAH—" I charge in with my umbrella high up in the air, ready to hit a man—

"Oh, you're home."

—and I find my mother, Ejiri Kaoru, sitting on a stool by the island, calmly sipping her tea. I freeze in place. How in what dimension is my mother home at 7:06 pm? "I thought you had a shift at the hospital tonight?" I ask, lowering the umbrella.

"I had the morning shift."

"Oh,"—I uncomfortably shuffle my feet in place—"I-I see."

"Why were you out so late?" Mother eyed me from behind the rim of her cup. I met her eyes and lifted the plastic bag filled with vegetables and meat. "I went grocery shopping; I thought you weren't here so I thought I'd make dinner myself tonight."

She lifted an eyebrow. "Is that all?"

I nod. She hums.

We stayed there in silence, mother finishing her tea and me standing aimlessly by the doorway. The groceries and the umbrella in my hands began to feel heavier as I began to feel my stomach dropping further. I know mother acted distant ever since papa... passed but she was acting even more... distant now. To alleviate the awkwardness that stunk the air, I cough and slightly shake the plastic bag. "I'm gonna go change. I'll make dinner right after, alright?" I announce. Mother nodded.

"If that's the case, I'm just going to step outside for a moment." She said in return. "Wait, it's raini—" I shout and before I could protest further, she was already out the backdoor. I know I saw the pack of cigarettes in her hand.

I sighed and went back into the hallway and up the stairs. After papa was gone, mother and I became... let's just say, distant. She became an emotional wreck and I was drowning in my own grief and hatred. It didn't take long for us to separate emotionally and neither of us even attempted to connect again. A part of me regrets that. Another really wishes that the world would just burn already.

I changed to my normal clothes— a t shirt and shorts— and run downstairs to prepare dinner. By the hallway, I catch picture frames hanging on the wall. Some of them were of us with papa. Some were of me and Inukai-san. I smile.

I got to work in the kitchen.

Dinner was quiet as usual. Mother was slowly chewing the tamagoyaki I prepared. I was anxiously watching her eat the homemade meal over the rim of my bowl of rice. An unfamiliar sense of dread had made itself comfortable in the depths of my stomach. I didn't know what made me this way. Mother's silence wasn't out of the ordinary. I would say that it was the norm whenever Mother ignores me. But her distant eyes, the tense shoulders— I know there's something wrong. And I was almost too scared to find out.

"You make decent tamagoyaki." She suddenly piped up and I jumped in my seat. "Huh? Uh, thanks, I had to— you know— learn, since you had the shifts and—" I stammer and wince. Was it really the wisest decision to bring up her absence in my life? Mother just watched me run my mouth. In the corner of my eye, I see her face darken. It could just be my imagination.

"How's school?" She asked and I shut my mouth in surprise. This was unexpected. Taking another bite out of the tamagoyaki, Mother stared at me with dull eyes. I blink. "Uh, fine, I guess." I answer.

"You're still hanging around that Shinsou kid?" She asked. I nod slowly, not really understanding what's happening. I stand up and take the now empty plates to the sink, a million thoughts running through my head. Why would mother suddenly ask me about school?

"So I heard you passed the mock exams."

"They were fairly easy." I respond in instinct.

She had something else in her mind, I know it.

"So you'll be taking the entrance exam next?"

"Yeah, in ten mont—" I freeze in place, realizing the error I had made. She knows. She knows about Yuuei. And she managed to pry it out of my mouth in 5 seconds.

None of us moved an inch. I couldn't breathe. Her burning glare bore itself into the back of my head. I knew she was angry. I knew she was thinking of ways to drag me to my room and chain me to the bed. Because in this house, heroes are taboo. Mother didn't want anything to do with them.

"You had no intention of telling me, did you?" She glowered.

"T-that's not—"

"Tell me."

I stammered. I knew she would act like this. "I..." I choked out but I found myself faltering. Her gaze felt like acid corroding ny skin. God, how is it possible for anybody to have a gaze this intense?

"I didn't." I murmured, sure that my mother wouldn't hear me. Unfortunately, as if all gods from different religions seemed to find my misery amusing, she did. "Did your father's death teach you nothing?!" I heard her scream, the chair's legs screeching and a loud crash sounding right after. I didn't need to look behind me to know that the chair fell over.

"You stubborn girl, I told you! Do you want to end up just like your father?"

"No."

"Chiasa, look at me."

I can't. I can't meet her eyes.

"Look at me."

I slowly turned to her, my body stiff and shoulders as tense as a cord holding onto a 100-ton weight. My mother's face was red. Her breathing was ragged. She was fuming.

"I forbid you from going to Yuuei."

I saw this coming. I should've been prepared. But actually hearing the words, actually realizing that even my own mother doesn't want me to be a hero; it devastated me. It made me shake. It made me angry.

"No." I said.

"What?" She whispered.

"I'm going to Yuuei whether you like it or not!" I added fuel to the fire.

"You stubborn— Chiasa, listen to me—"

"I'm going to graduate from Yuuei!" The fuel bled into each word. Tears brimmed at the corners of my eyes.

"I'm going to be the number one hero!" The gasoline keeps pouring out into each letter that escapes my mouth.

"Why do you want to be a hero so badly?!"

This is it.

"I..."

The fire has been lit.

"I want to be better than them."

It felt like everything was shifting. Like everything was changing. My mother, my house, myself. I knew that after today, after I get into Yuuei, everything's going to change.

"I want to be better than those heroes who failed me and my father all those years ago!"

I hear the mirror shattering.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

(I wanted to try my hand at making a fanfic ahaha. Anyway, here is the official first chapter for Little Doll! Are you happy now, @daemooons? Shoutout to @daemooons and @sanii13 for proofreading and listening to my idea rants lol. Y'all the best and I love you.)

(You can also read Little Doll on my Quotev account here.)

[mezhane]

GOOD FRIENDS

PART 1

I groaned and fake sobbed as I tapped my bed looking for my phone to stop the disgusting sound of my alarm. 7.30 am . I sighed and lazily dragged my body out of bed because I knew I would fall back asleep if I stayed here . I got into the shower and winced as the first flow of cold water hit my face . Why do I have to go to sleep this late every night? Well,maybe if I wasn’t such a procrastinator and did my work at the right time , I wouldn’t have to put all nighters every week just to make sure I don’t fail... But what can I do ? Procrastination is my biggest flaw... I got out of the shower and got dressed. I have to thank my dad for always teaching me to plan everything the night before, so I would be able to enjoy the comfort of my bed a little more . I applied the smallest amount of makeup, then got into the living room to get breakfast. I grabbed my phone and decided to call my best friend, since he was my ride this morning.

“Hello...” He answered with a feeble voice. He was still sleeping. Stupid ass.

“Baek?! Don’t tell me you’re still sleeping! Tell me you’re on your way ! I warned him. I could feel my heart racing.

“What?! Wh-what time is it ?! Hold on ... Oh my god , I’m so sorry babe , I didn’t set my alarm... Fuck , please don’t be mad .” He said quickly , and I could hear him running through his flat .

“I’m hanging up , you’re annoying me and it’s too early in the morning for me to flame your ass right now .” I rolled my eyes . Honestly, this guy makes me question our friendship all the time .

“ No Yemi, wait ! Can you make up some stupid excuse for the teacher please? I’ll be there for the next lecture, I promise!! I’ll bring you coffee...” He pleaded and I smiled finally finding this situation interesting .

“You better be there for the next lecture, bitch. I’ll think of something for the teacher so don’t worry” I fake threatened.

“Thanks babe, love you!” He shouted in relief .

“Fuck off.” And with that I hung up.

Baekhyun. He was my best friend . We’ve always been around each other as far as I remember. His dad and mine are both in the military, and working in the same unit, so we were always in each other’s lives.When I was four, my dad got transferred to South Korea, Seoul. That’s when I met him . He lived in the house across ours. He was obviously older , but not much judging by the baby face he still had. I immediately found him cute,and me being a very shy and awkward kid , I can say that my heart instantly felt warm as soon as he smiled at me and stuck his little hand out for me to shake. After that day , I entered preschool and he got into elementary. Both our schools were joined and he would always check up on me and play with me in the playground so I wouldn’t be alone. Thanks to him, I became close to a lot of other kids and soon enough I had my little group of friends for myself . After that, we became inseparable. We spent every Christmas, Easter and birthdays together and grew up as family. When I was 15 , I had to leave Korea and go back to England , where I was originally from, to stay there . Let me tell you, the farewells were heartbreaking between us and I’ll forever remember him crossing the street and sneaking into my room late at night to give me my first kiss. It was messy and we were all over each other but I wouldn’t change this for anything... I eventually left , but I would visit him as much as I could during summer, especially when he had to enroll in the military. After I got my degree, I decided to finish my studies in Korea, missing my life there too much . My dad didn’t really object to it since he knew Baekhyun’s family will watch over me like I was theirs. So, just like that I was back to Seoul, and most importantly back with my best friend and the only one that knew me really. We were still very close and it honestly was like we never left each other’s side. But as time passed and we both blossomed into our early twenties, (me being 22 and him being 24) we both felt a new type of connection. Yes we were still friends, and quite frankly I didn’t think anything could change that, but there was a difference between innocent puppy friendship and male/female friendship between two grown persons.

——

“Sorry , sir , Baekhyun couldn’t come today, his car broke down while he was getting here ...” I lied , trying to sound as confident as I could .

“Oh, I hope it’s not too bad ! Is he okay ?” He asked with worry on his eyes and I almost felt bad for lying.

“He’s good, should be there next time .” I smiled and he nodded, reassured by my answer.

As soon as the class finished. I grabbed my things and left to go to my next class . I could hear Baekhyun’s heavy steps behind me .

“Yemi ! Wait ! Baby !” I smirked and turned around gesturing him to come quickly since I didn’t wanna be late for our next class.

“Hey ! How are you , sunshine?” He put his arm around my shoulder and handed me my coffee .

“Pretty good, I told the teacher your car broke down , so don’t be looking stupid next week when he asks you what happened to you .” I nonchalantly replied.

“Got it , thanks . God, what would I do without you, huh ?!” He said squishing my cheeks .

“Not much, that’s why your parents allowed you to study this far from home, because they knew that everything should be fine if I’m with you...” I slapped his hand away from my face .

“Right ... You know the only reason you were allowed to study abroad is because your dad knew I was gonna keep an eye on you, right ? So that no man can take advantage of you ” He lifted an eyebrow.

“Right , sure. Well I’ve been here for a while now , I don’t see any boy coming onto me !” I raised my arms in constatation.

“There are, trust me. I just don’t let them approach you.” He muttered.

“Huh ?!” I pushed him away.

“What’s that in your hand? Group project ?” He changed the subject and yanked the paper away from my hand.

“Y-yeah, I put us two together.” I shyly said .

“Of course you did , who else should I do it with?!” He winked and I smiled. He always made me so happy .

“So, do you wanna come over later , we can work on this and I’ll make you dinner ! I’m sure you’re sick and tired of those noodle cups you eat all the time.” I chuckled .

“Sounds good... Okay, how about this ? I’ll come over and we have a serial-killer movie marathon, then I sleep over at yours and we get to it tomorrow . Deal ?” He stuck his fist out for me to pound it.

“Um... okay, it’s Friday and I don’t have any better plans anyway.” I nodded innocently and pounded his fist.

“Perfect” He smirked. “ I finish later than you, so I’ll come over by 8 , yeah ?”

“Alright, I’ll wait for you!” He smiled and kissed the back of my hand .

We both got to class and I got home early, rushing to get groceries and cook for Baek.

He finally arrived and we ate , then laid on the big convertible in my living room to get the movie night started. I missed this .Movie nights with only the two of us. We’ve been doing this since we were kids and that’s when I felt the most happy. The movie started and we were quite focused on it . At least I was. I could feel Baek looking at me from time to time .

“What,Baek?” I sighed eyes still on the screen.

“Nothing, I can’t t look at my best friend anymore?... Wait, isn’t that my shirt?” He was referring to the very oversized blue striped shirt that I was wearing. It was so big on me that you couldn’t see the pair of shorts I was wearing underneath. Of course it was his. He always forgets his clothes at my place for some reason and I’ve always loved wearing his stuff at home.

“Yeah , it’s yours, you left it here last time you slept over, why?... Let me warn you now, you’ll never get this back, I love it too much” I smiled sheepishly at him.

“No, I don’t want it back , it looks better on you anyways. So cute...” He pinched my cheek . “Why are you so far away from me, babe?! Come closer, let’s cuddle...”

He extended his arm and reached for me then pulled me close. Baekhyun always appears as the cool player kinda guy on campus, but the truth is that he was actually a baby that needed a lot of attention. And me being an absolute care giver, I never minded this side of him at all.That’s what I’ve always liked about his personality,actually ... As I got close enough to him, he put his head on my chest and his arm over my waist. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his head as a sign for me to play with his hair. I chuckled and started running my hands through his hair.

“Baek, don’t fall asleep, huh?! It’s only the first movie!” I raised my voice a little.

“I won’t , don’t worry” He chuckled.

We kept on watching the movie and all of a sudden I felt his cold hands under my, well his, shirt. I didn’t move at all because that’s something he does all the time and I would lie if I said it didn’t feel good. He kept his hand on my belly for a moment then moved higher, until he got where he really wanted .

“Byun Baekhyun” I harshly said.

“Hum ?” He knew how to feign innocence so well.

“Why is you hand on my right boob ?!” I tried to sound annoyed.

“ What ?! My hands are cold and you feel so soft and warm, I can’t help it!”

I sighed but didn’t say anything. I liked it way too much. And he knew it. His hand kept on kneading my boob and I bit my lip, so I won’t make any encouraging noise, but his finger intentionally, or not, suddenly brushed over my nipple and I shifted a little bit. He looked up at me and smiled, like he knew exactly what to do next. He positioned himself on top of me and kissed my cheek, then looked into my eyes and went for my lips. We made out on the couch this night, with him still shoving his hands under my shirt and grabbing my tits , and me moaning into his mouth . This wasn’t the first time it happened, it was even quite frequent these days and every time I was praying that it wouldn’t be the last . We never crossed any lines though, it was just kissing and a little bit of touching. Nothing else. But I was craving for more, and I knew he was too. So I reached down and cupped him through his sweatpants, clearly feeling him getting affected by the situation. He whimpered and grabbed my hand.

“No no no baby, you know we can’t do that! It’s wrong ...” He told me , but his eyes were stating the opposite.

“I know, Baek... Just kissing...” I pouted and he groaned.

“Yes, just kissing... Don’t pout like that , I’m gonna eat you all up” He littered kisses all over my face and I laughed loudly then he pecked my lips one more time. “Let’s go to sleep princess, I’m exhausted .”

I nodded and he turned the TV off then pulled me close and held me until I fell asleep.

Just kissing... the words echoed in my head all night. I wondered if what we were doing was really wrong... What would our parents think? We grew up together and were raised as family, would they feel disappointed or disgusted by that?... No, that’s not how I should think. Baek and I are best friends, and best friends should always help each other, even in their loneliness... Right?

[romantlcdemon]

I Know I’m Wrong, But I Can’t Help Believing

Aizawa Shouta/Present Mic (Yamada Hizashi) ; TRAITOR AU ; Traitor!Present Mic

Link: Read it on AO3

Word count: 3630

Summary: 

 “Yamada Hizashi.” “Huh?” “That will be your name for the entirety of this operation. You best get accustomed to it.” 

He was born a villain. He was given both a mission and a new identity. This fic follows the life of “Yamada Hizashi” leading up to his exposure as the traitor of UA.

30 years ago.

He doesn’t remember the start of it. Not that it really mattered. His parents had been villains, good ones too.

25 years ago.

He grew up knowing villains the way other kids knew heros. Indoctrination is a funny thing, always a double-edged sword. Of course, villains did tend to be more disagreeable people than heros, and internal conflicts were common-- but his parents didn’t neglect him. They protected him well. He lived a good childhood, and grew into a bubbly personality with an enthusiasm that seemed untameable.

22 years ago.

His parents died. He had no extended family, and was instead taken in by the villain organization that his parents had belonged to for years. He learned toughness. He learned what it meant to survive.

15 years ago. Mission start.

“Yamada Hizashi.” “Huh?” “That will be your name for the entirety of this operation. You best get accustomed to it.” “Ah… Yes sir…” He stood in an office, facing opposite of the voice that addressed him from behind computer screen static. There was a slight echo in the tall, cold, room, and each sentence was echoed faintly back to him, as if the building itself was some kind of comic book villain’s assistant, nodding and grinning feverishly and repeating every word out its boss’s mouth. Well. Every place has its charm. Just a week prior he’d been alerted of the new mission he would be undertaking, and in the days since he hadn’t gone ten minutes without hearing a new comment on the topic. “Damn lucky kid. You realize how easy you’re gettin’ off with this? While we’re out bustin’ our asses--” “Shut up, shithead. You wouldn’t be able to last a day on undercover work. Constantly gettin’ asked questions you don’t know the answer to, comin’ up with lies on the spot. This kid here, he’s clever. He’s savin’ our asses doin’ this.” “Why’s someone this young being sent on a mission as dangerous as this, though…? How can we trust that he won’t crack under the pressure? He’s not very experienced, you know.” “No, no, it’s because he’s this young that he’s doing this. Haven’t you heard? They’re gonna enroll him in UA. We’re growing an artificial hero from the ground up. What is it those whackjob teachers call them… Eggs? We’re hatching a hero egg. It’s genius, really.” Although the constant talk was annoying, he couldn’t deny that it was all perfectly true. He’d never had a say in the matter from the start. He was the only one under the age of sixteen in the organization, and transferring someone in as a second-year already put them in the position of an outlier, so that was key. His quirk was combat-oriented and he was talented in controlling it-- again, key, because admitting someone upon basis of recommendation would have increased the complexity of the mission tenfold. Now, he received one final comment. “Today you have been made a vital piece of a master plan. You have been entrusted with a great deal of responsibility, but I have faith that you will deliver. Do not prove me wrong.” “Yes, sir.” He bowed his head and turned to exit the room, but was stopped when the voice sounded again. “What is your name, again?” He paused and took a deep breath. “Yamada… Yamada Hizashi.”

14 years ago. First goal: Admittance to UA. Complete.

He poked the mass of dark hair that rested on the desk beside him with the eraser end of his pencil. “Psst.” Five seconds of silence. “Psst.” Five more. “Psssssttt--” “What in God’s name do you want?” A single bloodshot eye glared at him from behind thick locks. “No no, it’s not God’s name that I want, I was wondering what yours is.” He flashed a beaming smile to rival that of a toothpaste model. The glare intensified before returning its focus back to the desk, and he almost thought he wouldn’t receive an answer when a muted grumble reached his ears. “Aizawa Shouta. I’m going back to sleep now.” “Wahh, cool name!! I’m Yamada Hizashi!!"

13 years ago. Second goal: Fit in. Be amiable with members of your class. Complete.

“THE VOICE HERO! PRESENT MIC!!!” He didn’t hesitate a second before scrawling those words in all capital letters on the hand-held blackboard in front of him. He added a few stars around the borders then sat back and stared at it contentedly before stealing a glance at his (self proclaimed) friend next to him. When he saw Aizawa’s board as blank as his expression, Yamada’s jaw dropped in shock. “You still haven’t decided on a name?!!” Not bothering to look back at him, Aizawa droned, “I’m not planning on appearing in any media, so it doesn’t really matter to me.” “All right… Then, how about…” Mic pensively tapped his chin with the end of his pencil, the eraser bouncing off his skin. “ERASERHEAD!!” “Fine, fine, whatever…” Mic scooted his chair over and leaned in close as he watched Aizawa draw the letters with surprisingly neat handwriting. “Ooh… Does this make us matching? I mean. Not really matching, but, we’ll both have hero names that I thought up, so that’s matching in a way, isn’t it?” He turned his head to look at Aizawa, only to realize he was nearly nose-to-nose with his classmate, and for a moment, they stared wide-eyed at each other with equal expressions of surprise. The moment was short-lived, and Aizawa’s surprise quickly shifted to annoyance. He clenched his teeth and hissed, “Do you mind?” Mic couldn’t stop two short giggles from escaping his mouth. “No, I don’t mind, but I’ll back up for your sake anyways.” He returned to his desk, but not without a wink.

12 years ago. Third goal: Become a hero. Complete.

“ERASER!!” He puffed out his chest and pointed his index finger at Aizawa with incredible mock conviction, striking a pose in his new leather jacket and tight vinyl pants, his other hand still toying with the large speaker system now wrapped uncomfortably snug around his neck. “How do I look?! As a pro hero. Wonderful, dashing, right?!” Aizawa, his attention on the paperwork in front of him which would officialize his status as a pro hero, mumbled the reply “No different from always.” The room went silent save for the scratch of Aizawa’s pen against paper, and Mic’s hand fell to his side. Noticing the change in atmosphere, Aizawa paused and looked up to see a faint pink decorating Mic’s cheeks. “Wh-- I meant-- like an idiot. No different from always, you still look like a dunce. Not dashing in the least,” Aizawa hurriedly returned his eyes to the paper, ignoring the way Mic’s eyebrows had raised, and that dumb smile that had just begun to form on his lips, the same smile he always had when Aizawa gave him a compliment, intentional or not. That smile was making an appearance more and more often, lately. Aizawa feigned a cough and brought his arm up to his face, covering the blush that had begun to appear.

10 years ago. Fourth goal: Attain a staff position at UA. Complete.

“SHOUTA!!” He yelled as the apartment door opened, and promptly rushed in, shoving a hand-sized card in Aizawa’s face. “What…” “LOOK AT IT!!” He furiously shook the card, it’s surface tapping against Aizawa’s nose. “How the hell am I supposed to look at anything when you’re waving it like that?” He snatched the card out of his hands, and walked to the kitchen, where he sat on a stool and placed the card on the counter, inspecting it. UA STAFF TEACHER HERO DEPARTMENT PRESENT MIC Aizawa’s eyes widened, and he ran the tip of his finger over the UA insignia printed in the top corner. “When did you…” “Last month!! There was an opening! And I was one of the first applicants, and I got accepted last week, but I wanted to keep it a surprise, and today I finally got the ID…” Aizawa turned and looked at Mic. At his proud smile and eager posture, the way his gloved hands were clenched into excited fists at his side. He couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but he knew the way they were crinkling at the corners, bright green irises seemingly sparkling. Mic looked at him too, and saw the way he didn’t blink when those tired eyes scanned him. It was something he’d noticed he’d do when he saw a cute cat too, or when he stared at his favorite painting in the art museum on the other side of the city. It was a beautiful way to look at things. Mic wondered if what he saw was the same thing he did when he looked in the mirror-- a fake, a rat, a villain. He hoped he never saw it. “What?” “H-..Huh?” Mic shook his head, coming back to reality. “Your face got awful serious all the sudden.” Aizawa blinked, his eyebrows lowered. The room was silent for a moment. “Got the shits again?” Mic’s mouth dropped open, then screwed up into a twisted cringe. “THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO!! AND IT WAS BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN TAKEOUT!! I TOLD YOU THAT RESTAURANT WAS SKETCHY, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH!!”

5 years ago. Strike one: Become emotionally involved. Complete.

“Eraserhead, huh…? Congratulations.” Mic twirled the ring around in his hand, rubbing the engraving on the inside. /Always./ He took a pensive breath, slipping the ring on to his finger only to take it off again and resume fidgeting. “... Yeah. Thank you.” The ceremony had been beautiful, outdoors, with just enough breeze from the ocean to take the edge off the summer sun shining bright and golden overhead. Clean white suits, flower petals on the grass. Mic had organized the wedding in its aesthetics, on the condition that Aizawa organized the guest list. Mic had held those rough and scarred hands in his, looked into his dark brown eyes and told him, “I will love you forever.” In that moment, the words were endlessly sincere. Mic’s eyes saw nothing but him, his head thought of nothing but him. A blissful tunnel vision, now torn apart by the accomplice sitting on the worn couch in front of him. Torn, because the man, sneering crookedly and tapping his cigarette over an ashtray, was not congratulating him on his marriage. He was congratulating him on ensnaring himself inextricably deeper into his mission, into his very own lies and tricks and illusions. The way his glossy eyes squinted in the low light spelled a phrase unsaid: “Good fucking luck.”

1 year ago. Strike two: Stray from the objective. Complete.

“Mic.” “Mic.” “M--” Mic jumped, blinking rapidly. A low groan escaped his throat, which was throbbing, raw and sore. He tried to move his hand, and was met with a sharp pain shooting up his arm. Where was he? “Oh thank god…” Midnight sighed deeply, letting go a breath she’d been holding. “I told you he’d be fine. What, did you think I’d lie to you? You think I’m new to this?” Recovery girl replied in a tone of disbelief, quietly shaking her head. Oh. So that’s where he was. That’s what all the blurry white was-- the ceiling of the UA infirmary. He tried moving his hand again, only to have someone else’s cover it, and gently hold it in place. “No, Hizashi. Not yet.” A voice, deep and soft, murmured beside him. Mic turned his head, and found that a stiff, scratchy material restricted the movement of his neck. A brace. “You knocked yourself out pretty good, Mister. I don’t know what you were expecting taking on a villain twice your size all on your own. He was a monster. Not that you’d remember after that bump on your head, though.” It’s true, Mic didn’t remember fighting him. But he remembered the events before. The words that had reached his ears through the grapevine, that his organization would soon be sending an attack to breach the walls of UA. The cold, dense feeling in his gut, the anxiety shaking his fingers for days before he glanced out the window and saw a familiar face walking on the street below him. How had his legs run that fast? His mind had been left three steps behind. Perhaps his sense of pain had, too. The face he’d recognized was that of one of the most powerful grunts he knew, with a muscle manipulation quirk that gave him incredible mass and strength. Mic was no longer confused as to why a bone-deep ache was currently radiating through his entire body. The pain didn’t matter so much after he blinked again, though, when he saw Aizawa’s face mere inches away from his own, his eyebrows knit together in concern, the corners of his mouth curling upwards slowly as Mic met his eyes. “You’re a real idiot, you know.” No kidding. He’d just sent a member of his own association to the slammer. In a dark twist of irony, he’d committed a betrayal within a betrayal and deliberately shut down another mission-- and by extension, compromised his as well. This wasn’t pretty. Well, the situation wasn’t. Aizawa was.

1 month ago. Strike three (You’re out.): Reveal mission. Complete.

“Traitor…” he muttered, inaudible at first. “There’s gotta be a traitor in our midst.” Why did he say that? Why? Even now, he can’t answer that question with confidence. The knowledge of what he was doing, of who he was, was a constant storm above him, raining and pouring. Increasingly each day seemed like monsoon season, and the waters had now reached dangerous levels-- perhaps this was a cry for help. But what help? There’s no lifeguard to pull him out of this one. This guilt isn’t a swimming pool, it’s an ocean. That day the water made a crack in the dam, and before he could register the words coming out, he was defending the hypothesis that would mean the termination of his mission. Maybe that’s what he wanted. Even then, though, he’d had some silly illusion in his head that there was a possible future in which that termination wasn’t something ugly and blood-soaked. That it would just be over, and he could go back home and hang up his jacket and leave the memories outside the door. He would walk down the hall and into the living room and see his Prince Charming laying on the couch with his eyes closed, a hand absentmindedly petting the cat who lay on his belly. Just like that, they’d live happily ever after. But in truth, he knew that he was no star-crossed pure protagonist. He was a villain. And there are no happy endings waiting for him.

1 week ago.

He knew it was coming, and soon. He never returned the looks, but he felt the stares on his back, everywhere he went. He didn’t hear their voices, but he knew the words they spoke when they turned away, what all the topics of the recent meetings had been about, and why his attendance had not been requested. It was inevitable, and perhaps that knowledge was what hurt the most, despite the fact that he’d known it from the start. All things come to an end, for better or for worse. For better or for worse, he still came home that night and smiled with the same toothy grin he’d flashed when they first met eyes all those years ago. The air felt just as heavy in his home as it did everywhere else, but he ignored it, the same way one ignores the pain of a wound as they utter their last words. “I love you, Shouta…” The man in his arms did not reply, but Mic didn’t mind. He knew they both understood the state of the present, and the path of the future. But now, in this moment, all that mattered is that he could still feel his warmth, his thick hair, and scarred skin. His heart beating, strong and unfaltering. It reassured Mic. Even when he was gone, as long as that heart kept beating… That would be okay. Mic would be okay with that. “Do you know that? I love you so much.”

1 day ago.

He left everything that day. Ungraded papers, happy birthday cards. Birth certificate, forged. His UA student uniform, that he still kept in a box in the closet. The speaker system he’d spent a whole year building and installing in every room, so the music never got far away. The leather jackets he’d been collecting since he was seventeen. Two rings on the nightstand. What did he care? Why would he miss it? All those documents, cards, certificates and records were all written with that fucking fake name. But somewhere along the way, it had started to feel real. Not when his teacher had called it out and he had answered, not when he had wrote it a thousand times and repeated it a thousand more. It was when Aizawa Shouta said his name that it sounded real. Maybe it was because he’d wantedthat name to be his. Something like, ‘If that’s the name he’s calling, then that’s me.’ It was all too real. A mask that became part of his skin. And now he had to rip it off. “... Hizashi…?” Aizawa rubbed his face, and his eyes cracked open to look at the face of the man kneeling by his bedside. He smiled and gently shook his head, placing a hand on Aizawa’s cheek. With his thumb he lightly brushed the corner of Aizawa’s lips, and looked into those deep brown eyes, glazed over with sleepiness. It was 3am. When Aizawa woke up in the morning, this memory should seem like a dream. He wished so desperately that every memory could seem that way, that he could wake up tomorrow with no clear recollection, only the faint notion that /perhaps/ something had occurred in those days past, but nothing of great consequence, that all of this would fade into nothing and he would continue on his way unaffected by the rest. For Aizawa, at least this moment would be a dream. For him, the memory would be burned like a brand in his mind.

10 minutes ago. Mission end.

“Yamada Hizashi.” “Yes.” “That has been your name for… how long, was it?” “Fifteen years, sir.” “Ah… Truly a long time. And you held out quite well.” The voice was momentarily muddled by television static. The warped light of the screen manipulated the shadows of the room, and the pupils of his eyes, unprotected by sunglasses, shrunk and dilated in alternation to adjust. “Excuse me.” The static settled. “Now… You have made mistakes. You are more aware of that than even I am.” The voice paused. If it was to gauge a reaction, then there was nothing to find, because he didn’t flinch, didn’t shudder, didn’t clench his fists. Green eyes stared unblinkingly forward, waiting for him to continue. “However, I don’t think any punishment will be necessary. The work you have completed has allowed great advances in our organization. Advances that you have seen yourself…” The image of Aizawa’s scar flashed behind his eyes. “... and some you have yet to see. I understand you have not come with much, today. And readjusting will not be easy. But I assure you, living in reality has its perks as well.”

Now.

“Good afternoon, Present M--” “That’s not my name.” Kurogiri paused, and looked at him for a moment from his place behind the counter. His dark face betrayed no emotion, as usual, but it was clear what was going through his mind. He took a seat on the barstool at the end, put his elbows on the counter, and put his head in his hands. “You’re wearing your hair down today.” Kurogiri remarked as he resumed his task polishing glassware. “Mic was the one who put his hair up.” He didn’t move his eyes from the counter. Even without looking, he was aware of the gaze he was receiving. Boy, had he gotten good at feeling stares. “Perhaps it would be best to cut it.” He didn’t respond for a while, just silently ran his fingers through his hair. It was soft, that’s what Aizawa would always say. That had been his excuse for petting it and playing with it, as if he were more a cat than the one they already had. His fingers twitched and paused. “Don’t wanna use my quirk anymore either.” He felt the stare shifting. “Try as you might, that may be unavoidable. Your role now is the symbol of UA’s internal weakness. One way or another, you’ll be made to stand at the front lines. And regardless of your unique status, missions will continue to be assigned, and you will be expected to complete them, just like the rest of us.” He switched to rubbing the bridge of his nose. He felt his breath hissing against his palms. “What you did wasn’t easy, and we commend you for that. But it is over now.” A drink was set in front of him, and the glass hit the counter with a ‘clink’. “Today marks the start of something new.” His arm swung out and struck the drink, and the glass hit the floor with a shattering symphony, cascading cracks and snaps bouncing their echos off the hard brick walls. The sound of something that was, in the past, a beautiful and carefully crafted object, transforming into its present form, ugly and dangerous. Scattered across the floor, the broken glass caught the light and sparkled, as if offering a knowing wink. “Someone new.”