#lately the only real joy ive gotten out of anything is doing stuff with my vrchat models but again. money

[windowsmillennium2000]

i feel so fucked up with how bad my depression has gotten i have to get a new hobby or something but part of the sickness is not being able to do anything at all so i just sit at my desk and flip through notifications on every website im on

[i-cant-sing]

Yandere Rei Hurting Reader Pt2

Yes yes. Its out now. I won't delete this one. Enjoy!

Part 1 is here. Part 3 here.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Todoroki Clan:

It had been so awful at first. So hard for everyone to adjust to the new change. Of course, it was especially difficult for you to adapt to the new circumstances.

When you had first woken up after the unfortunate incident, approximately 3 days later, you didn't expect to be home so soon. You expected- you hoped that you would wake up in the hospital and have them call the authorities. Then again, you also didn't expect never being able to use your eyes again.

Shotou was the first one to notice when you had woken up from your coma. He hadn't left your side since the accident. He jumped from his seat beside you and held the glass of water to your lips when you tried to speak. The family came rushing in when he called for them, announcing that you had woken up. You could hear Fuyumi and her crying tears of joy as Natsuo came to check your vitals. You knew your eyes were bandaged, which was expected because of the hot oil that was poured on them, but when you asked Natsuo when they were coming off, he went silent. Your heart sank when he told you what had happened, how your eyes were fucking fried to the point that the arteries supplying them were also destroyed, which meant they couldn't be replaced, ever.

You screamed a lot that day; you would've cried but you didn't have any tear ducts. You didn't let anyone touch you at first, especially Rei. You would scream, throw yourself away from her if you felt her come near you. Eventually, Natsuo put some sort of tranquilliser into your IV, finally calming you down.

Being blind was hard, you knew that. But you didn't know that it would also be this humiliating. After the accident, they had starting infantalizing you even more, doing the most miniscule things for you.

Shotou would be the first person who greeted you in the morning and usually the last person to put you to bed at night. He would carry you around everywhere you go, telling you its simply unsafe for you to walk on your own. Sure you bumped into the furniture a few times and it was a bit hard maintaining your balance, but that didn't mean you needed him to carry you around everywhere. You had asked him to get you a cane, but he only said "why do you need a stick when you have me? Just tell me where you want to go". 

Each morning, Shotou would take you down the stairs to the toilet and more often than not, have Fuyumi come and help you, even for brushing your teeth. Then he would take you to the dining table where everyone is waiting for you. Fuyumi would give your breakfast to Shotou, who would cut it up and feed you. Once you're done eating, you would wait for Shotou to finish his food. During breakfast, everyone would make small talk while you remained quiet. After everyone's finished eating, Fuyumi and Rei would take dishes to sink. You would've helped, but everyone's pretty much forbidden you from entering the kitchen.

Shotou would then carry you either to his room or the living room, where he would turn on the TV and tell you what's happening. But since this always makes you remember how you don't have eyes, he would usually just read you some book. Somehow, they're always about princesses and fairytales. You were getting sick of hearing them.

Fuyumi would later come and fetch you, and take you to your bath. While you would be cleaning yourself, after politely declining help from Fuyumi each time, she would be out preparing your clothes for the day. She would explain to you what you're wearing and how you look, and how she's going to style your hair. As if any of these things mattered to you. But even if they did, its not like you'd have a say in anything.

You still remember the first time you were taking a bath, after finally convincing Fuyumi to let you have the "luxury" to clean yourself up. You finally had some time for yourself, alone and away from the rest of the house. You sank in the warm water in the tub, allowing yourself to relax. The privacy was comforting, but not long lasting, as you felt cold hands touch your shoulders. In an instant, you jumped away screaming. "GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Rei tried coming closer to you but you kept on screeching at the top of your lungs, alerting the whole house. "FUYUMI! SHOTOU! GET HER AWAY! SHOTOU GET HER AWAY!" At that point you didn't even care if they saw you nude, they just need to save you from her. The siblings rushed to the bathroom and upon seeing your huddled form in the corner and their mother sobbing, Fuyumi hastily covered you with a towel while Shotou took Rei out of there.

Shotou tried to make you understand that Rei was just trying to help you. That she just missed you and wanted to take care of you. He was basically telling you not to be afraid of her, and that your trauma is not valid. You stopped talking to him after that, only spoke when absolutely necessary.  

Natsuo would pick you up after your bath while Fuyumi went to make lunch. He would check your eyes (or lack there of), put on some ointments and replace the bandages with fresh ones. Fuyumi would come with your lunch and after she'd fed you, Natsuo would give you your medicine. They always make you sleepy, so you'd be put down for a nap.

Dabi wasn't always around, but when he was, he was still the asshole he was before. He would move your things to different places, or place stuff in your way so that'd you'd trip (he always caught you before you face planted), all so that you would ask him for help he could get a rise out of you. But you would just sigh and move on.

Enji liked to take you to the garden and read you books and newspapers. It was alright you guess, but you wanted to do something yourself, especially since they still didn't take you out of the house. You had asked him for a Braille, but he only replied "You don't need to stress yourself with that. I'll always be there to read you whatever you want." 

If Enji's running late, then Shotou would take you to the swings in the garden, pushing you as he tells what happened at school or with friends. After dinner, you’d be forced to spend some more time with your siblings, before you’d be tucked into bed.

That has been the routine for the past 6 months since your accident. And the family really felt like everything was returning to normal. It was, for them. This is how they always wanted things to happen: you, locked up in the house while they stripped you of all autonomy and infantalized you to the point where it was harming you, both physically and mentally. Your body was growing weak, your muscles got easily fatigued from their lack of use. And the pills Natsuo gave you didn't really help the case. They made you sleepy, and you think they even caused hallucinations since you felt like someone was in your room or someone was playing with your hair.

Even though you were stuck at home all day, you still never talked to Rei. Well she tried, but you would be the one to always flinch away. She wouldn't address herself when she entered your room, but you would still feel her lurking around the corners. And why should you acknowledge her? Especially after what she's done? 

Enji wasnt ignorant of your condition. He could see how quiet you had gotten, and how scared you were of Rei. He was getting worried for you. What were you thinking about? Enji knew if he didn't talk to you, things will get worse.

You were sitting by the lounge window with Fuyumi who was telling you about her day. Fuyumi greeted him when he came in the room. "Hey, dad!" Enji nodded. "Fuyumi, would you leave us? I'd like to talk to Y/n." Fuyumi nodded, pressing a kiss to your forehead before she left the room, only Enji noticing how you stiffened at her affection. He sat beside you and cleared his throat. "How are you?" "Fine. You?"you softly asked. "I'm good, too. I wanted to talk to you about something. About...your mom." "My mom's dead." Enji cleared his throat. "I meant Rei." "Oh. What about her?" "Why haven't you been talking to her?" You remained silent. “What happened was an accident-” “It wasnt an accident. An accident is spilling milk. Not pouring hot oil in someone’s eyes.” Enji knew this was coming.“She didn’t do it on purpose-” You cut him off again. “She did! She knew exactly what she was doing.” “Why would she do that?” “I don’t know. She hates me or something.” Enji grabbed your hand gently. “You know that's not true. Rei loves you very much and she cares about you a lot.” You didn't say anything. “Do you remember the day you came to our house?” You nodded. “Yeah. It was a few days after my parents funeral.” “Yes. And do you remember what Rei said to you?” You stiffened before nodding again. “She said that she may not be my real mother, but she’ll love me more than anyone ever has and ever will. Always.” “Yes. And has she not? Has she not loved you more than anyone?” You nodded slowly as Enji continued. “Between you and me, she’s always favoured you among all of your siblings.” You smiled at that. “So, are you willing to give your mother a chance?” You paused for a few minutes. “I- I cant.” Enji sighed. “Look. I know you’re scared. I understand. I know you want to blame Rei for what happened, but believe me when I tell you it wasn't her fault. It was an accident.” You shook your head. “And what if another “accident” like that happens again? And what if I dont survive this time? And what if-” Your voice broke down. Enji pulled you into his lap. “It won't. I promise. And if something like that does occur, I’ll be there to stop it.” Enji pressed a kiss to your hair. “I’ll save you. I promise.”

With Enji's persuasion, you had started mending your relationship with Rei again. Sure, you still flinched when she touched you and you were still hesitant to initiate conversations with her, but none of that bothered Rei. You were trusting her again, and she was more than happy to do more on her part to make you comfortable.

And you won't lie, but life was better with Rei. She knew when Dabi or Shotou were becoming too overbearing, or when Natsuo was fussing over you for no reason. She was there to stop Fuyumi from chatting your ear away, and knew when to stop Enji from feeding you too many sweets.

And Enji could see that Rei was sorry for what she did. He saw how she would often massage ointments on your face, her fingers barely tracing the charred area around your eyes before pulling away quickly. And other times, like today, as he stood by your bedroom door, he saw how gentle she was with you as she tucked you into your bed. He kissed his wife once she had left your room. "How are my girls doing?" Enji asked Rei in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake you up. Rei smiled. "Good." They slowly started walking back to their room. "Shes an angel, Enji. So sweet." Enji hummed in agreement. "Can I tell you something?" Enji stopped and turned to face his wife. He raised an eyebrow. "I'm kind of glad what happened...to her." Rei was smiling. "She's so much better like this. So docile now. I...I don't regret what I did, you know?" Enji's blood ran cold. "Rei... dont tell me- you didn't do that on purpose, did you?" Rei nodded, a bit too eagerly. "I know, I know. It wasn't ethical. And if I could, I would've taken away her pain in a heartbeat. But you must agree that its much better now, right?" Enji couldn't believe what Rei was confessing. "I mean, look at her now. She doesn't even try running away. She knows- she feels safer with us, inside." Rei sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I thought that maybe it wouldn't come to this. I thought that after Touya took care of her parents, she'd be a bit more scared to be outside on her own. That's why we told her they died in a car crash." Rei rested her cheek on his chest. "It scares me what I'm willing to do for her, Enji." Enji knew Dabi had something to do with what happened to your parents, but knowing Rei had a hand in it too, or more precisely, she was the one who told Touya to get rid of them. Enji didn't know what to do with this new side of his wife. But he did know he had to keep her hidden from you, so he ushered his wife to their bedroom, not knowing you had already heard them.

You had realised a couple of things that night. One, Rei and Dabi had murdered your parents. Two, Rei pouring the hot oil in your eyes wasn't some sort of psychotic episode. Three, Enji and the others were going to take Rei's side, no matter what.

A few weeks later, your birthday came around. The siblings had left the house to get some things for your birthday party, leaving you in the care of their parents. Rei was in the kitchen cooking up a whole feast for you, while you sat beside Enji in the lounge as he read the newspaper. Enji had already given you your present. It was giant teddy bear with chocolates from Belgium. They were utterly delicious. When you stood up, he asked you where you were going. You pointed at the box of chocolates in your hand. "I'm going to share them with, mom. Unless, thats not okay?"you asked meekly. Enji still wasn't all that comfortable with letting you and Rei be alone, especially after her confession. But... if he doesn't let you go to her alone, you'll always be afraid of her. And its not like Rei will hurt you again, right? Besides, the kitchen is just down the hallway. He's sure nothing will happen. He nodded. "Okay. Should I walk you there?" "No. Its down the hall. I think I'll be fine on my own." Enji then allowed you to go, telling you to call for him if you need anything.

Rei was chopping up some vegetables when she heard your footsteps. She turned around to find you standing just outside the kitchen. "Hey, angel! What are you doing here?" You remained outside the kitchen as you spoke. "I wanted to share these chocolates dad got for me. W-would you like some?" Oh, you're so kind. Rei quickly wiped her hands on a kitchen towel before walking towards you and leading you to the dining room in front of the kitchen. She helped you sit down before taking a seat next to you. "You want me to have your chocolates? But didn't daddy gift them to you?" You bit your lip as you replied. "Well yes, but I- I wanted to share them with you so that I could- I wanted to thank you for taking care of me. And for loving me. I would've gotten you something else but I'm not allowed to go outside..."you mumbled the last sentence, but that didn't matter as Rei quickly hugged you. "Oh honey! You're so sweet!" Rei took a piece of chocolate from the box that you had extended towards her. "And these chocolates are so delicious! Daddy really loves to spoil you, doesnt he?" Rei pinched your cheek gently. You smiled. "I'm glad you liked them. Especially, after all you've done for me. You deserve them more than I do, honestly." Rei stopped at that. "Honey...what are you talking about?" You smiled. "What? Am I not saying the truth? You deserve these chocolates, and all the sweets and flowers and medals for being the best mother." You popped a chocolate into your mouth before continuing. "After all, the criteria is very high. You need to not only have the intent to kill for your child, but you also have to commit murder. Then kidnap your child and force her to bide to your rules. And if she misbehaves, you must punish her as well, right? Because good behaviour gets chocolate," You popped another chocolate into your mouth. "And bad behaviour gets your eyes fried."

Rei just stared at you in disbelief. H-how did you- you didn't hear them talking last night did you? Or did Dabi tell you? Rei stared at you as you ate another piece of chocolate. "I wonder after you've killed me, will you be given chocolates or flowers?" "D-darling, w-what are you saying? I would never hurt you!" You chuckled darkly. "No no. You've done it before and I know you'll do it again. After all, it scares you what you're willing to do for me." You caressed her cheeks, and when you felt her tears, you wiped them. "I'm not saying you have the intention to kill me. No, you'll just hurt me again, another little accident, but this time I won't survive. I just hope you'll bury me somewhere where there's a lot of fresh air, maybe on a hill with a view?" Rei finally broke down at that, falling to her knees as she clung to your legs. "Please! Y/n please forgive me! Please baby, I- I just wanted the best for you. I don't want you to die, I- I promise I'll never hurt you again! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Please baby, I'll do anything. Just forgive me!" You sighed. "Anything? I don't think you mean that." Rei nodded her vigorously, tears falling everywhere. "I do! I do! Just tell me what to do!" You tapped your chin, pretending to think. "Bring a knife. A sharp one." Rei's eyes widened. "W-What?" "Well...its only right for you to be punished as well. To atone for your sins, right?" "O-okay." Rei went to the kitchen and brought a big knife with her. "Lock the door." She did as you told her. You extended your palm, waiting for her to place the knife. She did. You stood up, right in front of Rei. You told her to stand against a wall, and she followed. You played with the sharp end if the knife. "I want to hurt you. I want to hurt you so bad. I want you to feel the pain, the hell you've put me through." This is it, Rei thought, you're going to kill her. For some reason, she was okay with that. "I want you to know you failed. I want you to know you're a bad mother. A selfish, bad mother." Rei was full on sobbing now. "Look at me. I want you to remember this." And with that you raised the knife before stabbing yourself in the gut, two screams ripping through the manor. Rei shot towards you, her hands trying to pull the knife away. "What did you do?! What did you do?!" Rei was crying. Enji was banging on the locked door for a few seconds before he burned it down and the sight he was met with...was nothing short of a nightmare.

There you layed on the floor, blood sputtering from your mouth, your shirt stained with blood and Rei. Rei, who was hunched over your body, with a bloody knife in her hand, crying out "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!".

Enji rushed towards you, pushing Rei back roughly. You were coughing up blood, your head turned away from him until you felt him touch your face. "D-daddy..."you whimpered out before your breathing came to a stop.

"No. No." Enji quickly gathered your limp body in his arms, running out of the house towards a hospital. He kept on chanting "no", because he didn't want to believe that he failed to protect you.

That he failed to save his daughter, again.

I had 5 different endings in my mind and Idc if this isn't your preferred ending (the ending I had in my mind was something out of Quentin Tarantino's movie). I'm just glad to be done with it.

Anyways, exams are coming up and I'm not going to be posting a lot.

And ill be taking up your follow up questions/asks for this part! I'll also be answering godfather hawks asks now that this part is out.

[generallynerdy]

Magic (Merlin X Arthur!Reader)

Spoilers for the end of Merlin if you haven’t seen it!!!

Summary: With the modern world of 2019 in shambles, Merlin is starting to wonder if Arthur will ever return. But then the warlock meets your magical eyes from the other side of a cafe window and realises that he already has.

Requested by @pearlll09: Okay this one might be tricky. Spoilers if anyone hasn’t seen the show. So at the end, Merlin is all by himself walking past the lake. Being a sorcerer, he doesn’t have to look old, (but if you’d rather keep him old that’s okay too), and maybe reader is in a cafe Merlin goes to and something draws him towards reader. My two ideas for that are reader has a book of Arthurian Legend out, or reader is Arthur reincarnated - but you could go any way you want with it, I trust you :)

Key: (Y/N) - your name Warnings: big depresso merlin for a bit, mentions of war, bUT ITS MOSTLY FLUFF, can you feel the gay bc i can, reincarnation? is that a warning? never written it before so yeah probably Word Count: 1,603

Note: how about both??? Im in love with this ‘arthur reincarnated’ thing its the greatest concept ive ever gotten the end hands down

    Merlin never got used to the modern day he lived in. Things were changing ever constantly, from back in Arthur’s time to 2019. Every day was a struggle, each one feeling more difficult than the last. Merlin couldn’t find his place in the world anymore, not after Arthur was long gone.

    So, he wandered.

    From shore to shore, from building to building, Merlin never stopped wandering. He stayed as close as he could to Arthur’s resting place. He never left the city, but he imagined what it would be like if he did.

    He only had one place that he felt connected to the world he’d separated himself from for so long.

    It was a little cafe down the highway that passed the Lake of Avalon. It was a quiet place without many visitors, but they made the best damn coffee Merlin had ever tasted. Given, he hadn’t had a lot of coffee, but their coffee was still amazing.

    He was a regular at this cafe, but today he was running slightly late.

    Merlin approached the building sluggishly.

    It wasn’t that he was in a bad mood, but more of that he was preoccupied with this thoughts.

    The world was a mess. Between countless wars and natural disasters, it was in shambles. This world was a world like any other, but it was in pieces, in fragments. It couldn’t put itself together without effort, but it was an effort no one was putting forth. If any time was ideal for a saviour to appear, it was now. So where was Arthur?

    Still disguised as an old man, Merlin could not help feeling that his attitude reflected his appearance. He had waited so long, forever, it seemed, yet Arthur still remained dead. The world needed him-- Merlin needed him, now more than ever.

Hundreds of years had passed and he found himself wanting his prince more than he had in a long time. Things seemed utterly hopeless, pointless. Was Arthur ever going to come back?

Passing the cafe’s back windows to skirt around the building and enter through the front, Merlin froze. At the edge of his vision, he saw something of interest and turned to look inside.

A single person was sitting at a table, all by themselves. It was you.

You’d retreated into a booth in the corner of the cafe and pulled out a book from a shoulder bag, placing it on the table to read. Its pages splayed out on the surface, Merlin had to really squint to see what the title was and, when he did, he felt his breath leave him.

    Arthur & His Knights.

    God, fate was cruel that day, he couldn’t help thinking.

    But then he saw your face. Your eyebrows were furrowed in pure concentration and you bit your lip, leaning over the table and almost into the book. You were so deep in your tales of myth and legend that you barely noticed the old man staring at you in awe on the other side of the window.

    The thing that really clicked for Merlin was your eyes. Oh, how they sparkled-- bright with a knowledge beyond your years, a spark to light a crackling flame, an ember that would last lifetimes and, in fact, already had. Arthur.

    The moment Merlin thought the name, a shockwave of realisation hit him. Starting at his heart and bursting out across his entire body like a ripple turned into a wave, a flash of gold covered him. In a spectacle of blinding glory that you somehow missed, he was changed from old to new, ancient to young. He was himself again. But he hadn’t chosen it. It was forced upon him.

    He looked down at his hands and felt his face before looking back at you inside that cafe. Your very presence, and his realisation of who you are, had quite literally thrown him back through time.

    With that, he threw himself into the fray.

    Merlin entered the crowded cafe and made a beeline for you, feeling his heart beating erratically as he did.

    “Sorry, uh,” He started, clearing his throat. He hardly remembered what his voice used to sound like. “Can I sit here? All the other seats are taken.”

    When you looked up at him, he swore he nearly died right then and there. He knew those eyes. He knew you. But would you ever believe him about it? How could you? After all, it was entirely mad. You’d be right to think he was crazy. Maybe he was. But something about that little lightshow from before told him that he wasn’t.

    “Oh, sure,” you said cheerily, motioning for the seat opposite you. “I’m (Y/N).”

    “(Y/N),” he repeated, trying to keep the tone of wonder out of his voice. He sat down, placing his things on the booth beside him. “Arthurian Legend, huh?”

    You nodded almost shyly. “Yeah, my favourite. I’ve got a bit of an addiction.”

    “Well, it’s not unjustified,” he laughed. “Knights and castles and dragons-- who wouldn’t want that?”

    “I’m a little more interested in the magic,” you admitted.

    Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

    You pushed back your hair and glanced away before looking back. “It’s kind of amazing. A fix-it for everything, the ability to change the world as we know it. Don’t understand why people back then thought it was a bad thing.”

    At your words, Merlin found himself almost speechless. But he regained his composure and opened his mouth again, a little smile decorating his expression.

    “That’s a very poetic way of putting it,” he agreed. “But don’t you think it might be dangerous?”

    You shook your head instantly. “In the hands of the wrong people, maybe, but that’s how everything is. Give a man a knife and it’s up to him what he does with it. Doesn’t mean you should take away all the knives. Then we’d have to find other ways to cut things.”

    “Wow,” he muttered.

    “Sorry,” you said, face suddenly red. “It sounds a bit silly, doesn’t it?”

    Merlin grinned, “No, no, it’s not. I’ve just never heard anyone talk about it like that. It’s brilliant.”

    “You think so?”

    “Definitely,” he nodded. There was a slight pause, but he inhaled sharply. “Do you think it’s real?”

    You tilted your head at him. “You mean magic?” When he nodded, he saw you bite your lip. “I feel ridiculous saying it, but--”

    “Don’t,” Merlin said, attempting to encourage you. “Honestly, I won’t judge you for anything.”

    He was shocked when you continued, actually believing his words. He wasn’t exactly the most comforting person or encouraging. People usually sighed at him when he tried to give pep-talks. But you were instantly safe in his presence.

You talked about magic, whether you thought it was real or not, with a complete stranger. Well, he wasn’t a stranger, but you didn’t know that. All you knew was that you trusted him, this odd man, who you had completely forgotten to ask the name of.

“I think it might be,” you admitted with a deep breath. “I’ve felt surrounded by magic my whole life. The kind of stuff that’s happened to me...you would never believe.”

“Try me.”

Merlin smiled at you with a sparkle in his eye, one that shook you to you very soul. It was as if you knew him, but you could’ve sworn he was a stranger. You didn’t even know his name. But something about the man was familiar.

    That was where it began.

    You spoke to him for what felt like hours. You told him of all these odd things you’d seen when you were a child, things you swore had to be magic. You even told him about the old woman who approached you when you were little and called you ‘Arthur,’ which you had never told anyone before.

    When you checked the time again, you realised it had been a few hours. “Oh, I’m sorry. The time got away from me.”

    “That’s alright,” he said, waving you off. “I’m quite enjoying this.”

    You smiled timidly, but then you realised something. “You know, you never told me your name.”

    “That’s my bad. It’s Merlin.”

    “No,” you scoffed, but he shrugged, telling you he was completely serious. “You’re bullshitting me.”

    He grinned. “I’m not.” He leaned forward against his elbows. “And you know what?”

    “What…?” You asked suspiciously.

    “(Y/N), I know you’re a brilliant person,” he said, almost changing the subject. “Just from these few hours with you. So, believe me when I tell you; I’m not crazy.”

    You laughed a little. “I’m getting the sneaking suspicion you’re about to tell me something that sounds crazy.”

    “Maybe just a little.”

    “Alright,” you said, deciding to trust him. “Go on, then.”

    Merlin took a deep breath. “Magic is real. I believe it’s real, I know it’s real. And I know it sounds ridiculous--”

    Suddenly, you interrupted him. “I just went off for more than an hour about why I think it’s real and you think it sounds ridiculous?”

    “You’re easier to convince than I thought,” he chuckled.

    “Well,” you teased, “I’m full of surprises.”

    He gave a silly little smile, a smile that filled you with joy. “I know magic is real, (Y/N). And I can prove it.”

    All of a sudden, he held out a pale hand to you, raised upward in an offer of companionship. You eyed him curiously, but his smile never faltered. Something behind those eyes knew you, you thought. Something behind those eyes was magical. But there was something about you that was, too.

    “Will you let me?”

Merlin Tags: @pearlll09

Masterlist

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[danaej6-blog]

Chocolate and Vanilla

Chocolate & Vanilla 

  Though Paige was all in tears and I looked pretty sad, from what everyone else could see, I was actually filled with joy. Finally, that girl is gone! I thought. Little does she know that the whole year of “friendship” we had meant nothing to me. Faking it was all to easy and fun, but now I had the chance to find a friend that actually cared. Paige wanted to just laugh and be crazy, but Paige’s kind of crazy was annoying. That one year with her seemed like an eternity. She always called me Laidy, no matter how many times I told her to call me Adalaide. I tried to gather up some tears to make a very sad goodbye. I mean I guess I would miss her kind words, and thoughtfulness. If you couldn’t catch that I was being sarcastic. Anyways we hugged, and she got into the van for the airport. She waved her little heart out while I just gave a little smile. Aaaaah freedom feels nice. 

It was that time again. School was starting and I was ready for a new year, and all the drama that came with it. I woke up at 6:45 as usual and got dressed. “Let’s see black, grey, white, or blue…… definitely black, and what goes better with a black shirt than a black pair of pants, and big pair of black boots, and black leather jacket!” I thought to myself, “Ok maybe I’ll wear a grey shirt.” I got my messy hair tied up into a ponytail. Then I ate some eggs and toast really quick. Popped earphones into my ears, pressed play and I was on my way. I hopped into my car, then drove off. I started to come up upon the school bus stop where I used to have to go to before I got my car, A girl with curly light brown hair a few inches past her shoulder shoved her books into her bag. She had these black ballet flats on, skinny jeans, and a light turquoise shirt. She started running after the bus, but it zoomed off and didn’t stop. She slowed down to a walking pace. Though I was going to the same school, I wasn’t really the helping others type of person.  I kept driving, and wondered if I would end up actually seeing her at school or not. 

At school we were all assigned classes, then sent off to our first class. The girl that was left by the bus driver ended up being in two of my classes, and apparently her name was Lacy. She is a new student, but seems pretty cool. At the math class our teacher told us that there would be a test and I we didn’t get past a certain grade we would go down a grade for math! I have never been to good at math, but I definitely do not want to go down a grade. School ended and I headed to my car, and to my luck the car wouldn’t start. Perfect! I called a mechanic, and I was just dreading what the cost might be. I leaned against my car waiting, by the time the mechanic got there everyone had already left school. It took a full two hours for whatever the problem was to fixed. It was starting to get dark so I got in my car and looked in the rear-view mirror, and to my surprise there was someone walking into the school wearing a black hoodie. I slowly got out of my car and shut the door silently, and walked toward where the mysterious person entered. Once I got to the hallway I was shocked to see Lacy doing something to the vending machine. Somehow, she was able to open the door to it and she grabbed a bunch of snacks and drinks and put it into a bag. I quickly hid behind the wall, and she started walking to the exit. She had almost made it out before I stepped out. 

“What are you doing here?” She didn’t even look back before she bolted out as fast as she could. I ran after her. My boots hit the ground with power when, I reached out and grabbed her arm, as  I did we both flailed to the ground. 

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” she screamed struggling, and trying to get out of reach. “I don’t need your help!” 

“Where do get the idea that I am trying to help you?!”,“I don’t help anyone but myself!” I didn’t really care what she was doing, but I mean it seemed dangerous, and dangerous means fun, to me. 

“Ok you’ve caught me, but this is the only way I can survive I don’t have parents that feed me and take care of me like everyone else.” She said solemnly. “l live off the vending machine and sleep wherever I can find a place, then I go to school and pretend I am like everyone else.” 

“Cool.” 

“NO! NOT COOL!” she screamed at me. “I am living on my own with no place to go, and barely any money!” 

“Sounds adventurous!” I said excitedly, it would be my dream to be out on my own, not knowing what might happen next. I don’t know why I never tried it before, just running away with no plan at all. 

“You really don’t get it, do you?” she replied. Maybe I didn’t get it, but her life seemed so much more interesting than mine.  

“You wanna do something fun?” I asked her. I don’t know what went through her head when she made a lot of facial expressions. 

‘I don’t think that is a good idea, don’t you have to go home anyways?” she said 

“Don’t worry about me.” I couldn’t care less if I got in trouble. I have spent too much time with such boring people. I wanna do something fun. 

“It depends on what your idea of fun is…” I could tell she was nervous to do anything crazy and life threatening, but I knew I might be able to convince her to do something anyway. 

“I promise you it’s gonna be fun. You’re not gonna die!” I said sarcastically. I waited for her response.  

“What do you have in mind?” she asked 

“Follow me!” I said as I started running towards the school. At first, I thought she wouldn’t come follow me, but then I heard her footsteps running behind me. Then when we made it to the main hallway of the school, I realized I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, that was supposed to be fun. Then I remembered the test that we had to take for math. The teacher said that the test is taken every year so they know where the students should be placed based on their math skills. That would mean the test is already somewhere in the school. “Come this way there is a teacher room at the end of the hall.” I said as I made my way down the hall. 

“Why are we going to the teacher’s room?” she asked me. 

“You’ll see” I said opening the door to some sort of teachers lounge. I soon as I got in I noticed a large beige file cabinet in the corner by a printer.  I started looking through stuff hoping I might be able to find the math test. 

“So, what are we doing here?” she questioned me. 

“I am looking for something.” 

“What are you looking for, I thought this was supposed to be fun?” 

“You wanna pass the math test tomorrow? We can find the test and we will pass easy peasy!” I said kind of excited. 

“I don’t think that is a good idea. Cheating is not right we shouldn’t do this. How can you call this fun?” 

“It is fun! Come on what does it matter anyways, you can do anything you want you live on your own just take the risk, the worst thing that could happen is you fail the test” 

“Fine, but if things get to dangerous I am out!” 

“Whatever. Just help me look.” We started to search again looking in cabinets and folders. And soon enough found it. 

“I think I found it!” Lacy said from across the room. I read the test to see if it was the one. It seemed like the right one, so I told Lacy to meet me at the bus stop early the next morning so that we could plan things out. Then I remembered that I should probably get home. I looked at my hone and my mom called me 16 times! I called her back and told her about what happened to the car, and hoped she wouldn’t suspect anything else. She seemed to be ok, but she was mad I didn’t say anything earlier. When I got home. I quickly went to bed. The next day I picked lacy up from the bus stop early in the morning.  We wrote out all the test answers on paper then put it in our shoes for safe keeping. The test would be the next period, and I told lacy to meet me at my locker right before math class. “Hey Adalaide, I don’t think we should do this.” She said.  

“Seriously you are backing out? Now, right before math class! I thought you were in this with me!” I said upset. I thought I could trust her to stick with me. 

“I am sorry but I cheating is wrong and I don’t care if I don’t get in trouble. I don’t wanna do it.” 

“Come on, don’t be a wimp. I worked hard to get this all ready. Why are you so afraid? Stop being afraid and just do it.” 

“Why does it matter so much to you whether or not I do this?” she questioned me. 

“Look, you told me yesterday that you were ok with this. Did you lie to me?!” I said kinda angry. 

“No…. it’s just…I……” she obviously didn’t know what to say. I don’t like it when people ditch me like that. 

“You seriously don’t know how to have any fun.” I said very disappointed. 

“What if we get caught?” she said. Obviously, we would go to detention and I’d probably get grounded for forever, but I’ve gotten worse punishments, and I wasn’t going to tell her that. 

“We aren’t going to get caught. Trust me. I have done this plenty of times before.” I lied, but seemed to be convinced. 

“You have to promise, if they find out I don’t have a real home they will put me in a home. I don’t want that to happen.” 

“Deal.” I said. Then I heard the bell ring and realized we were late to class. We ran down the hall as fast as we could, and hoped we could sneak into class quietly.  

“Adalaide and Lacy, you are late to class. Don’t let this happen again girls.” Our math teacher, Mr. Stan said stiffly when we entered the room. 

“No problem Mr. Stan, it won’t happen again.” I replied politely, then I walked to my seat and sat down. He then began to explain all about how the math test would work, and bla bla bla. I handed Lacy a paper of how she should answer the test questions. This way we wouldn’t have the same answers and we wouldn’t have all of our answers correct. It would be way to obvious if every answer was correct, and both of our tests were alike. After all the test papers were passed out I stuck the piece of paper with answers on it in my sleeve. The test began and I tried to be sneaky when looking at my answer sheet. Our teacher walked around the room slowly, but after a couple rounds he sat down at his desk. I thought that I would be safe after that, so I took the piece of paper out of my sleeve so I could see the answers better. I peered over to see how lacy was doing. She had her sheet of paper on her desk too. I looked back down at my paper, and it wasn’t long before I saw a shadow over my desk. I heard Mr. Stan clear his throat. I saw him look from Lacy to me. 

“Adalaide and Lacy! I am shocked!  Go to the office this instant!  You know better that to cheat! I am VERY disappointed!” He then grabbed our papers. We both looked at each other, and everyone was looking at us. We left the room and went to the principles office. We got detention and I was grounded forever.  The worst part about it was that Lacy was being taken away to an orphanage! I didn’t think that this could end so badly. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t pushed her into doing this she wouldn’t have been taken away. 

 I kept thinking about what happened with me and Lacy and I wanted to make it up to her, but I didn’t know how. Months later after the big cheating incident, and a lot of convincing, I got my parents to adopt Lacy! It was the perfect plan. Which means that we would be sisters I guess. I never had a sibling before and I was happy to know my adopted sister would be my best friend! We both learned our lessons and I drive her to school every day. Afterschool on Friday I wanted to do something special, so we went to Starbucks. We both got Frappuccino’s, I got chocolate and she got vanilla. The perfect pair.

The purpose of this piece was to write a story eligible for kids of ages 10 or 11 to read. The purpose was also to teach some sort of moral and have a lesson to be learned. I chose the story idea because it wasn’t the usual relatable story of a girl in school, the story was also on the point of view of the girl that was the “bad girl”, instead of the typical nice girl and all her problems. This is my best work because I planned out my characters before writing, and used that to think of a typical day for that person and I think it helped build their character. I put characters in situations which best show their character. My strength in this paper was my introduction. In my introduction I didn’t start by saying who the character is how old she is, I right away told a story about the character and what happened inn her past to show where she is now. My weakness was continuing the story’s plot while holding the character’s personality and keep the story interesting and exciting. I learned from this piece that you need to have a very clear and detailed plan of what you are going to write about and think of your characters and how they are going to act, respond to certain things, and their personality.  That’s when we jumped off the cliff and landed straight in the rushing waters of the waterfall things went blurry and suddenly my head lifted above the water. I looked round and above in the blue- sky eagles flew screeching out their songs.

[thedarkestbean]

Disclosure: This post is not for you, but I'm still not even sure if it's for me.

I haven't felt the same since I started my masters program. Drained to the point where I found myself ignoring loved ones mid conversation, slacking in my training, and separating myself from family while being locked in my room because I had somehow been convinced that a M.A. degree is all that mattered. Extreme anxiety and stress from too many all-nighters to count, and finishing a 125 page thesis that was ultimately rejected. So in the end, not only did I lose the grade, but I hurt the people around me because of how much I hurt myself. God showed me how to choose love over hate, it took two years for me to gradually learn that I never really knew how to love myself... and that is something they don't teach you in school.

Truth is, I'm still learning how to do this, I'm just sad to think of the people I hurt in the process so far.  Many of my own actions pushed away people I cared deeply about, but its about time that I let go of all of this.  And even if its not immediate, I hereby declare that I release that pain from my past and give it to God.

What's done is done, and as I have been currently looking towards the future, a friend recently sent me this photo. I look at this picture and smile, because not only was it just before I began my Masters Program, but to me, although it is a memory, it stands more for a state of mind. This was the day I stuck run gum tattoos on my arms to get a photo with Nick Symmonds, and introduced myself to David Torrence. This was the day I finally got to go to a track meet at the University of Oregon, and to my surprise, as an athlete rather than a spectator. But the thing I remember most from that weekend was visiting Pre’s Rock and being unable to believe where I was standing.  I stood there and cried... because in that moment, I realized just how well God heard, remembered, and answered all my prayers from when I started running in third grade to that very day.

When I see this photo, I see joy that I know is still in my heart, but has been worn out around the edges from battles with despair. Though worn, it is still there, and it stands tall above the rubble.  So because I smiled this exact smile when I saw this picture, I had to come write about it. No hashes, no tags, just my heart and what I've been feeling. I haven't been able to post anything lately because everything I have written has felt like a lie, so I delete it before I even finish it. Or maybe I do finish it, but I end up deleting it anyways. Anyways...

I'm sick of the way that school makes me feel, and it makes me even more sick thinking about all the other people that share the same struggle. Some to the point that they would resort to physically harm themselves.  My desire to become a teacher sprouts from my embarrassment of what the United States Education system has become, and its’ lack of concern for Mental Health.  So many people in our time have taken their own lives. So many people have taken the lives of others. TOO MANY PEOPLE, and as I stare at my screen and not at their faces and talk through a keyboard, but not with my voice, I cannot help but feel responsible.  I cannot help but feel like I have contributed to the true problem. WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE! And it breaks my fucking heart, because even though I didn't know you while you were here, I love you because of the way your loved ones tell your stories even after you have passed away.  And even though some of you felt you needed to harm others in order to make a point, I love you, because God loved you even when you were at your worst. Whether it is school or something else, no thing on this earth is more important than your life and what it means to God.  No weapon on earth is more powerful than love. I know God is real, because to deny that would be to declare that the emotions you feel for loved ones who have passed... holds zero value. As much as you would like to argue against that, you heart will tell you otherwise.

I'm sick of photos with fake ass captions, I'm sick of social media, I'm sick of always looking down at a screen and waiting to see how many likes I get on my next photo. I...AM... SICK...of holding my phone closer to my heart than my Bible.   I don't need you to like me, because I know that God loves me.  He loved me first, yet, I haven't been able to love people around me like I know he wants me to. Ive gotten good at responding to messages and bad at responding to brothers and sisters within arms reach.   Social media, the internet... Its not bad... but its gotten very bad for me,   And I feel like the stress from other stuff has just got me all beat up. I’m half-assing everything I’m doing now, which includes my relationships, And mah daddy aint raised me to be no half-asser. I'm taking a break.  Ill be back in 20 days, Im gonna focus on showing more love to myself because I really REALLY want to learn how to use that to better love others around me. Especially those who need it the most, and lets be honest.. none of that's gonna happen behind a keyboard.  And it might not be the solution, but its a damn good start.

Don’t get mad at what I write, just think about it, because This post isn't meant for you, but now I’m pretty damn sure its not for me either.

[interrum]

June 22nd, 2017

                 Tried playing some video games today; Ultra Street Fighter IV. Kind of worked well, prior to that I was trying to abate the sadness I was feeling over a whole bunch of things. I demonstrate sadness pretty reasonably I think. There's not a whole lot to it I imagine, you tell the person you are sad or demonstrate somber feelings comparably equipped with disengagement and sorrow. Sometimes I cut myself but I have to have the energy to do that, today I didn't so I didn't bother. I like to feel that people sometimes view me as a person with only two emotions: joy and anger. If I'm not feeling one, I'm occupied with the other; this is a coarse debasement. I enjoy the full range of emotions afforded to normal people, I cry, I laugh, I shriek and feel great levels of intrigue; I even have moments where I am in love. For the most part I feel that I am pushed and pulled constantly under the stresses of these two emotions until I am exhausted and unwound, like a wire ready to fray under the slightest nick.

               Anyway the day has only just started and I'm finding lots of new ways to keep myself interested and free from suicidal behavior. I took reading back up, much more voraciously than before and I even have a little journal that I like to write in, so as to make sure my handwriting does get better, even when it's not necessary. There used to be a lot of heroes back when I was a kid, people who would draw from their sadness and seek virtuosity in combat instead of fueling themselves with rage and wild abandon. With me, I think I can be like that, but I feel my sensibilities are really high energy, so there probably is confusion or dissonance between what I am feeling and what my activities suggest. I had this problem before when I was a small boy. Then it happened again when I was a teenager, and now it's been happening more frequently in my twenties. I feel like one of those sociopathic people who go to nightclubs and have a brooding aura that no one wants a part of, when really I am just sad and desirous of something humbling and cathartic. It was because of this problem that I took up writing and reading much more seriously, depending on the two to express sensibilities I was otherwise incapable of communicating effectively with other people.

               I used to go to school with a lot of people who had this sort of mentality: "if you are feeling down it's because you're weak and unable to substantiate your abilities in the real world," the immediate response to sadness was not to get cucked or some other vagabond humiliation, lest you spiral further into sadness. So no one really ever learned how to overcome sadness, and eventually became prioritized by it and fueled by other fearful emotions. I wasn't really raised like that, I was always taught to express myself fully and wholly no matter what I was feeling, so I guess that left me emotionally capable as a person, this would probably explain why have such an eclectic social circle. When you feel sad you are supposed to express the feeling and fully. People win awards for being able to do this, many people are awarded great sums of money just for honestly expressing the sadness they feel inside. Would a pauper run from an opportunity to make money? Or does he no longer feel sadness and fears that his financial ruin is his own doing?

               I'm an INTJ for the most part. I've taken the test over a handful of times and I seem to be introverted very excellently. I keep to myself and am on top of my emotions with high acuity. My ability to plan and derive results from these plans is also highly efficacious. One thing I am bad at is playing with others as a team, I've since been trying to fix this problem and I have gotten a lot better at it. I can understand the emotions of others and use them to propel problems into places where solutions can be applied, but I am by no means an ENTP, I am most formally an INTJ; and if allowed, a silent ENTP. I'm not scary, very few people are afraid of me. I feel at home most anywhere, even if I get homesick very quickly I can maintain myself and my comfort. Maybe my personality would be good for sightseeing. I've tried sightseeing before, it didn't suit me very well.

               Right now, my penis hurts. I don't know why, it's been like that for a long time now. It shouldn't really hurt this much, but every time I get an erection it is painful. Maybe there is a problem with the blood flow or something.  I get to feel sad sometimes because of piety, other times it's because of simple failures in productivity. Sometimes I am forced into exchanges which are neither prolific or exhaustive, but I must participate or else things will only get worse. Kind of like how you could explain the fruitlessness of fighting with someone, and they still charge you, and even if you knock them out it doesn't bring about resolution or any sort of commendable answer to the disagreement. I've been known to cut myself, bike ride intoxicated, dangle in and out of oncoming vehicles such as trains, cars and buses, and I was often quoted to have done these things because "I wanted the attention." I probably did, but I don't really remember why or how. When I was young I used to cry for it, but as I got older it kind of became redundant and I'd only expect the worse, wishing for death or anything close to it. Sometimes people think this is a dark way of thinking but it really is a plaintive kind of logic. Not hopeless, but exhausted; confused but not bewildered. I could be attention seeking, but I fail miserably at getting other people to be concerned about my well being, probably because it's not the first thing on my mind when I am thinking about anything suicidal. That sounds selfish, well it ought to be. I wouldn't want to worry about the fragility of the economy if I were pressed upon a knife.

               Oh, I hear voices a lot more now. I hear them outside, in the street, when I'm at the store, sometimes when I'm getting my bike repaired I hear voices dictating my actions or commenting on what I should be doing. I used to think it was just someone playing a prank on me from my computer but now I have certainty that I am in fact experiencing hallucinations which is ranked mildly schizophrenic. The voices don't really tell me to do stuff, they have small insouciant comments like "shit," and "are you serious?"  I feel like these things nudge me in directions I am not comfortable, which would explain why I feel a lot worse lately than I should, but I haven't the slightest clue what I had done or have done to other people to deserve any of this. I suppose I am to feel a deep sense of betrayal and remorse, funded by anger in hopes of revenge, but an exhausted person is not a cooperative one. Even if I wanted to cooperate with the things I'm hearing, I have frequently run into the problem of not having enough energy to carry out each and every whim. So I'd end up more exhausted than I were originally and forced into creative submission. This type of thing was bound to happen anyway. The amount of pressure I get between home and anything occupational is insane. I went to this community college once and I remember the look on my professors face when I told her I was rescinding the class, as if I couldn't let her down because I was "too smart to fail," which was exactly the reason I was dropping the class in the first place. I can't stand being like that. I can deal with some pressure, but when the ends are undermined by the causes then I really just drop everything. I just don't see the reason in pursuing solutions that are created by the problems themselves. It used to be frustrating but now I just don't do anything anymore. If at the least, I'll try to give advice in the best way I can; which is to set an example of what I would do or what is preferred.

               Back when my brother beat me up the first time, he recommended I take rispiridone to help with the anxiety, but I hadn't told him I was hearing voices (at least I don't think I was). After looking up the drug, it's something they offer people with autism and schizophrenia in order to alleviate the symptoms. It's an anti-psychotic drug, not a anti-depressant. Looking back I should have taken the prescription but I wasn't really hearing voices then. I was spacing out a lot more then. And then to make matters worse, he beat me up a following four times over those next three years, for situations that had nothing to do with him. I still feel he isn't all okay in the head, I know I am not but there's nothing sensible about that behavior to me.  Remembering it would make me angry, but now I just don't care. I'm entirely saddened by the thought and just choose to distance myself from it. I used to look up to him for a while because there weren't many people I could, but now I wish I never had crossed paths with him in the way I did. Whenever he does beat me up my mom just kind of watches and expects the worst only after I've resigned myself to the beating. One time he just kept punching me after I stopped fighting back for a whole two minutes, the headache was unreal. Then I had to be taken to a hospital and spend the night there because my family was "worried" or something.  I've been to the hospital by parsons three times now I think. The first time was the worst. The second time I went, I got a totally different evaluation which said I had nothing wrong with me. I don't remember the third time so it probably hasn't happened.  I wanted to talk to the doctor about my cutting and suicidal behavior but they kind of carted me out of there on my own volition. As soon as you say you're ready to go they go back to their work and find you an ambulette.  I still have the papers from the hospital visit, and the report is still with the precinct that took me so I could file a complaint if I wanted, but I figured it would iron itself out somehow.

               I grew up being a misfit, I was a misfit at home and at school and at summer camp. I went into high school not quite fitting in and made friends on the bias that pushed us together. I don't think there's a better way to explain that people are forced into sociable circles, but that was the way I had developed. Even after expressing a very reasonable range of abilities, failing to excel in those that people cared about made me less of a interesting person to talk to; then again people who naturally excel in these areas aren't very interesting to talk to either so I guess that's the kind of game being played. I don't think I'm really bad at making friends. I have a hard time keeping them but as I get older I think it's less to do with my inability and failings as a person. I used to think I couldn't keep friends because I was always so quiet and only watched others, but that wouldn't change the way people depend on me. Maybe it's because they expect me to say something, even during something idle like walking home, and I'm content with just saying hi. I know what that feels like, but it's really not going to get either of us anywhere by being insincere. It could also be a guilty meditation that forces me to feel like these relationships fail, but I have been trying to feel less guilty about stuff that isn't my fault. For the most part I feel no remorse for anything I've done, partly because I did it in full belief and also because there isn't anyone else to blame. I used to regret everything: asking girls out, requesting money for food, buying food for friends, talking to friends, hanging out with friends. Everything came with regret and at some point I just gave up trying to categorize it all and told myself it didn't make sense. It wasn't worth it. Neither the blame or the fatigue. Now I live more guilt free and have nothing to fear, but it's also an empty life. Nothing shines in its original color anymore, all my favorite events are dulled out and less enjoyable than they used to be. Regret shouldn't have that kind of power over me but it did establish a great deal of roller coaster relationships, most of which were imparted on me and forced me to behave like one, a roller coaster.

               My brother would always say there are three things he doesn't like to talk about: sex, politics and love (or something to that effect). I think he was saying those are touchy subjects. Politics are touchy because they can put you in places that you don't want to be. Even if you're not doing anything wrong and participating exactly how you should be, you are a force that others will find disparaging and offensive. Simply talking about politics is another hurdle in itself, imagine being offensive and having the gall to communicate about how offensive you are; it's heretical. I think that was predominantly the point, but I could be wrong. Anyway, politics to me is a topic that bears no weight. I'll talk about most anything because it's just who I am, but more and more I find myself unable to comment on anything effectively. Simply concluding a small matter in sociological development doesn't fix the problem, no matter how biting the comment. Eventually I got into the mode of trying to fix these problems with large sums of examples and argumentative practices, which both proved very useful. I was never good at teaching other people how to do things, but apparently I was really exceptional for setting an example for how things should and shouldn't be done, so I used this to my effect without much effort. I think I may be destructive to my environment because I'm like this. Due to my inability or refusal to commit to pithy events that don't fix the problem, I'm causing the problem much more exposure which makes people upset a lot of the time. But I don't want to whine and complain the problem away, I want to fix it. There's nothing to be gained from expecting life to bend over for you. It sounds really pious and noble which is another failure of my personality but I'd rather not fix problems that were created solely for the solutions existence. Can you imagine a problem that's been engineered solely to bring about a convenient solution or worse, a profitable one?