#let me enjoy making art for my favorite pieces of media without feeling the need to capitalize on it

[mechanicaldivine]

me when i make fan characters only to put them into an original setting as well less than two weeks later

[iztea]

Do you like drawing in a sense that it relaxes you? Like a hobby you‘re looking forward to after a day of work. Do you feel joy while you draw?

I‘m currently battling my art demons and came to the conclusion that drawing actually makes me feel shitty a lot of the time because I only take joy out of the results yk? So if it‘s good, great! If I get overwhelmed woah my world is breaking down. My therapist told me I need a hobby that actually relaxes me and that I like solely for itself, not connected to performance, and I was wondering if drawing is just generally the wrong thing for that or if there‘s a way for people to actually enjoy it in a relaxing way.

You‘re so open about your drawing process and you‘re my favorite art account so you fell victim to my question haha but I get that this ask is pretty specific and kinda weird, don‘t feel pressured to answer :)

i do very much enjoy drawing in a relaxing way; for me, it's the equivalent of playing video games or watching Netflix so, in a way, i think of drawing as "unproductive work". Not sure if you're actually looking for a solution-based answer to your problem or if you just want to hear my side/my opinion on the matter, but I'll try to delve into both. 

I think for me personally, I've always found drawing to be relaxing for the most part. Frustration is always to be expected, of course, but I wouldn't say it ruins the mood, it's just something that comes and goes. The only unpleasant part about drawing for me is strictly related to the social media aspect or just making it public. Now, I'm not sure if you have an art account as well or how much you relate to this but I very often dread posting stuff online. I kinda have to force myself almost every time to make something public because I hate the applause but I am also rational enough to understand that art is meant to be shared with others, even if I personally don't feel a strong need to... It's just one of those human behaviour things you have to mimic or adapt to get by, similar to many other things that don't make sense to me personally but I cognitively understand why they happen but I digress

 When it comes to the process itself, I actually enjoy it more than the final result. If I had a lot of fun experimenting with brushes and new techniques and crazy effects i saw online then i get a sense of joy no matter the end result, and here is where my first piece of advice comes into play: learn to enjoy the process without thinking of the destination. For me, even when I do have a clear idea in mind, it always fluctuates and I let it fluctuate. Sometimes it even looks like shit. So what? It's just for your eyes, who cares if it doesn't look good? Just call it a flop and move to another thing, or revisit it sometime later when your skills improve. This is even easier when you do not have an art account where you share your art, there's zero pressure, you're creating the pressure yourself.

Just think about it: 

>why do you feel shitty and overwhelmed? -> because you care about the end result

>why do you care? -> because if it turns out bad, it feels like wasted time. or because you put your worth into what you create or because [  fill in your answer here ]

>do you still want to continue drawing? -> if there is a way to enjoy it in a relaxing way, then yes i assume

Ok great! Then, the solution is to remove that root feeling of disappointment, overwhelm or despair by learning to appreciate the process of creation and bask in the uncertainty of it instead of being so dead-set on the final piece. If you are not content enough with your skills to end up drawing something that you're always satisfied with, and if it causes you this much distress, then drop your expectations and don't reach the finish line. I mean this literally: draw forever-WIPs. Sketches. Doodles. Don't render, don't even try to think of a color palette. Don't Finish Your Art. Enjoy the process of discovery, of trial-and-error of indecision and I can assure you it will be during these moments when you'll find the relaxation you're looking for.

Enjoyment and relaxation, in my experience, come from two places/approaches: 1. the subject itself and/or 2. noticing improvement in your skills.

To give you an example, when I was sick with fever I drew Dazai as that "let's take ibuprofen together" meme and I thought it was the best shit in the world I was on cloud nine and giggling to myself. Looking back on that art, I now realize it looks terrible (and i lowkey want to redraw it) but back then i was laughing while drawing it and felt Great. because I was drawing something i thought it was funny. Not even once did I think "oh man, I hope this turns out nice ohh it will be so awful if it doesn't the world will explode" because that was not its purpose. Granted i was a bit,,,,,, unwell given my sickly state but my point still stands! So, what I'm trying to say here is that you can try drawing "funny/silly" things as a way to sort of lessen that burden of expectations. Or just something you reaaalllly want to see and you know no one else will do it. Taking matters in your own hands type beat

The second way to enjoy drawing in a relaxing way is by taking the other route: instead of focusing on the subject matter, try focusing on new techniques, new brushes, new tutorials or approaches you found online. Basically, focus on improving your skills in a fun-no-pressure-no-strings-attached way while keeping your subject of choice neutral or uninteresting. Or maybe take the artwork of an artist you really like and try to deconstruct it/ reverse engineer it and apply it to your own art. But whatever you do or choose, just never finish it. let them stay as wips or else you won't be very.. relaxed.

*please note this is an "and/or" statement, so you can absolutely do both: try a new technique you found while drawing something that you also enjoy for uhhhhhhhhhhh relaxmaxxing as the would kids say

Lastly, what I would highly recommend is listening to Adam Duff's podcasts, he really hits the nail on the head when it comes to such topics and more, he really narrates and explores that soulful part of an artist way better than I ever could with this answer so please check him out, I think you'll find your answers there

[thescrapbookingscientist]

Biweekly Media Roundup

- All Saints Street (Anime) - All Saints Street is on crunchyroll now! I like how they consolidated the episodes into 6 normal length ones, as while I enjoy the theme song it's so much nicer to be able to marathon the show without having to skip past it every 3-8 minutes. A new season will be airing soon so I figured this would be a good time for a rewatch and to hop back into the comics, as last year I considered this series to be an incredibly underrated gem given how cute its art style is, how good its comedy can be, and how likable all the characters are. It helps of course that I adore monsters, and this upcoming season will be including Crystal, one of my favorite characters from the webcomic. I hope they include the running plot of Nick accidently dating his coworker as well, as any scenario involving Nick being a cringe fail pathetic mess is top tier.

- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Video Game) - I've been aware of the shoot a man war simulator franchise that is Call of Duty for a long while now and never in a million years did I think I'd ever be interested in playing one. And I still think that, as I haven't played one and never plan to. But. Some monster-loving blogs I like have been posting a lot of monster AUs about this particular cast so I went ahead and checked out some of the relevant canon plot/character interactions that would let me understand the context of the cool art and fics that I wanted to check out. The monster ones ended up being pretty fun so I checked out some of the non-monster ones too and again, some pretty solid fan works out there.

- Nimona (Movie) - I just watched this today so I do need some time to stew on it, but my first thoughts are that it's super cute and I had a lot of fun with it. I love how it looks, Ballister's design with his big puppy eyes and wet pathetic cat energy is great as is Nimona's with her pointy teeth and fun expressions, and how odd but fun the medieval yet also futuristic setting is. It's great to see a solid mlm couple in a movie aimed towards children as typically only wlw get that luxury, and as a non-binary/trans narrative I think it works pretty well. The found family aspect between Ballister and Nimona is of course great to see as well. There are some things I think could have been executed better, I wasn't too crazy about at least 50% of the comedy and I think the movie could get a little too predicable at times, but those are pretty small complaints for what was a very cute, wholesome, and visually impressive movie.

- Heavenly Delusion (Anime) - Probably my favorite of the season, This was a really solid first season - It's an interesting world and mystery, they don't overexplain things and are good at letting moments sit, the main characters were likable, and the pacing was really good considering how often we would receive satisfying foreshadowing that answered just enough to keep us invested while opening up all sorts of new questions.

- Oshi no Ko (Anime) - Once again I find myself at a crossroads of acknowledging that a piece of media not going in the direction that I wanted it to doesn't make it bad, but also being unable to separate my feelings of disappointment on the lost potential from my feelings on the show as a whole. I did enjoy this show, and I appreciate the behind the scenes looks at celebrity culture/show business and how it doesn't shy away from the darker and commercialized nature of it all, but with it springing between a reincarnation story to a murder mystery to a revenge plot to an actor career drama to an idol show, I just never felt like the focus was a strong as it needed it to be to keep me invested in the overarching plot. The weird age gap + First love but also new mother/brother/sister thing was also. A lot. That really didn't feel necessary when they could've just made the twins oddly intelligent children and gone from there. As I said before, I do love Skip Beat style narratives of actors working out how to get into character and affect the acting of those around them, so if it keeps doing that I will be interested in sticking around, but while I like the female characters more as characters their idol storyline is far less interesting, especially given how much the narrative is pushing that being an idol and idol culture is kind of awful actually, so maybe y'all should work towards a less toxic dream. Oh well, I don't mean to be so negative, the show did a lot of interesting things, including surprisingly portraying Youtuber and steamer culture in a realistic manner, and I did quite like the pseduo-main character of Kana Arima. I'll likely watch more but it's such a weird mix of ehhhhh and ehh actually maybe? That I wouldn't really recommend it to someone who isn't warned of a lot of weird stuff in advance.

- Ranking of Kings (Anime) - In retrospect it would have been nice to know that this season was more of a "additional content leading into the true continuation of the story" rather than a true second season from the beginning, as it would have saved me from watching the whole thing through a lens of "this is nice but uh when is plot going to happen?". Separated from that I am glad I watched it, it was nice to see Queen Hilling again, they did some fun things with the animation, and the last few episodes where we got some context for the Underworld brothers and the way demons work was pretty solid.

- Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies (Video Game) - Alright, so getting back into it, the 3rd and 4th cases were pretty neat. I don't much care about the optics of HOW the murders were committed, as I feel like that aspect is far more interesting from a player standpoint when you yourself are figuring out vs the observer standpoint where you just want to see the story play out, but the characters this time were pretty fun, and I like the way the plot is progressing as far as the main characters are involved. For the 3rd case, the 3 friends all confessing to a murder they didn't commit in order to protect the other ones who they think could have done it was quite sweet and made for a good story, and for the 4th case the lesbian mad scientist robot lady Blackquill was a great addition. Going into the last section of the game I've unfortunately already been spoiled to the true culprit, but it's still very satisfying to see Athena and Blackquill and other Blackquill play off each other and deal with their trauma. I'm still excited to see how the game will end, after which I'll probably put a hold on the mainline series to look at the Investigation spin-offs before finishing up with Spirit of Justice, which a lot of people claim is the series highlight.

- Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (Video Game) - Okay actually now that I'm willing to explore it more the Depths are pretty neat. Also Tulin is my son and I love him.

- Crazy Ex Girlfriend (TV) - Yup.

Listening to: Let's Get This Over With by They Might Be Giants, Read Between the Lines by Tom Cardy, Ways to Go By GroupLove, Deathly Loneliness Attacks cover by SirHamnet, LosT by Bring Me the Horizon, Comatose by Skillet, Human by Gabrielle Aplin, Good Girls and Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer, Nothing Good by Lea Salonga, That's What I Want by Lil Nas X, After Everything You Made Me Do and I Give Good Parent from Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

[summonhouse]

summon house is a piece of media on youtube that is 4 episodes all of 10 minutes long atm. created in 2021 at first and then went on a 2 year hiatus and returned 2-3 days ago? after it was featured in a sagan hawkes video at the very end which has 741k views. the video with the most views rn has 4k views though, and no posts on tumblr before me, lol. atm, given its 10 minutes long, theres really no clarity on what is happening and what could happen and seriously no reason to speculate- the story as presented is that the episodes are video game play throughs supernaturally (? as in, not realistic in our world, theyre supposed to be posted on other channels but all posted on summon house with summon house descriptions) consolidated, with descriptions seemingly from the game itself, not the players, labelling the players as "unnamed men" with summon house bias (describing a player as "ridiculing" the house). the players say that the game is a game jam game, so presumably made in 24 hours, with extremely meager grammar, assets, sounds and such. however when tasked at night with "what [to] summon?", the game accurately identifies what is prompted and increases the span of the house. realistically, if you care about game dev, this is impossible; the entered objects are all varied (apple, water bottle, door, and dog), none are refused, and the first two are accurately interpreted along with their meaning, and then integrated into art created by the game triggered by invisible flags as the player moves around- looking at a blank canvas, looking away, looking back and theres a painting. it immediately indicates; somehow, this game is learning, and if it is learning, i would assume its alive. in fact, the game repeatedly laughs when it changes things around the house. the intro is also "game smile" (and "game smiling" in the second build), and the text within the game is repeatedly infantile and extremely personable- "apples are my only favorite thing!" "let me look around? need inspiration" "outside stars!/shiny light!/squarey board!/see me tomorrow!". the line "let me look around? need inspiration" is really intriguing- the game repeatedly makes paintings, but only after the player has looked at what they have summoned, and usually after a trick turn. nothing changes on screen- a noise triggers, causing the player to panic and look around, and when they look back, something has changed. the game can change, but only behind the players back? Still, "let me look around" implies its seeing through the player characters eyes? if i have to assume, wishfully, with the narrative I personally enjoy, it smacks of video game that needs you to play it to be alive, with how it expresses joy (smiling, fun) when it is played, emphasizing "see me tomorrow" instead of a goodnight message on session 2 as if the focus is hanging out together. the laughing is really really endearing. its hard to say how much the house theming is supposed to matter- is it the game thats alive? is it the player or the house? if the game is only a house, is the game that house?

summon house was made by a person named alex, i dont know if they have any social media because i only know them from the in character youtube channels of summon house and ai builds. ai builds' first video has 22k views and last video has half that, but i couldnt find ANY analysis videos of the story. you might think ai builds is connected to summon house because summon house seems to run on ai, but ai actually stands for animal investigators, which is a video game the character of nicholas is trying to make. ai builds is about a man with terrible depression and trauma struggling to create a game to feel worthy of anything while trying to be original. the game explicitly is not exactly real- when he sees things in the real world as he plays, they show up in game. things appear without him coding them in. things he insist he did not make are present repeatedly and surprise him, and as the videos go on increasingly the videos broadcast are recollections of trauma and analysis of his inner turmoil- the game is an outlet for things in a very abstract sense taken to its extreme, as characters in the game taking on appearances of people from his outside life tell him things he needs to hear but does not want to think- in pill imagery, bitter pills to swallow.

im really excited about summon house despite it only being 4 episodes in because, well, i love houses and i love games. i think theres a lot to be said about houses and games as connecting themes. theyre both something you have to make and expressions of yourself. theres a lot in ai builds about being trapped in your home, specifically being trapped in a room, with a repeated childhood trauma shown through demons in the media being knocking at his door demanding he open the door and let people in- but the letting people in isnt really a literal experience- it was, as shown by a childhood comic he made about his father screaming that at him, but in the context at the time as its repeated in ai builds, its definitely more about him letting people into his mentality as the narrative in the current day for him is focused on his refusal and difficulties in getting help, in "letting anyone in". in this way, the house is a representation of the mind. the game, too, is a representation of the mind as the events and thoughts hes going through appear in the game. are you seeing how its all connected? theres also a lot of emphasis on creation in ai builds- he struggles to create anything because its all been made before, and he feels the need to make anthing at all to "prove" hes worth loving, repeatedly saying hes in dire straits because he cannot understand why anyone would like him if he has nothing to present them, such as a game. he struggles with having been creative, but losing inspiration and feeling as if hes copying everything- i think you can draw connections from that and summon house as its about continually learning and growing from some sort of database of which we're not sure yet- how is the house learning, where is it pulling models, for what reason? im really hoping summon house like ai builds is very very good- ill like it even if its not, because houses are always good for symbolism, lol

[purplesurveys]

1598

What was the last book you read? Midnight Sun, haha. The writing is atrocious, but it’s a guilty pleasure. 

Have you ever had a friend named Mary? I used to be friends with a Maryrose but people liked calling her Mary.

What does the name "Ada" make you think of? A high school batchmate. Also Ada Wong from Resident Evil. Have you ever had a friend named Ada? ^ Yeah, I was civil with that batchmate and we continue to follow each other on social media.

Do you live in England? 🏴 Nope.

Have you ever been to England? 🏴 I have.

Are you English? Not in the slightest. Do you speak English? Yeah. Thanks colonization!

If you could build a robot to perform one chore for you, which chore would you have it perform? Cleaning up after the dogs. That would be such a big relief for my back, lmao.

...and what do you think you would name the robot? 🤖 Hal? Hahahaha just kidding. Maybe Will, from Good Will Hunting.

Did you get into trouble a lot when you were a kid? Not even close. I didn’t want to go beyond the rules for fear of pissing somebody off.

Have you ever been to London? ☕️🇬🇧💂‍♀️ I have not.

Did you know that England's flag and the United Kingdom's flag are different? 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 🇬🇧 Well, yes.

Do you know which four countries make up the United Kingdom? 🇬🇧 England, Wales(?????), Scotland, Ireland.

How many sisters do you have? One.

Do you have a wicked stepmother? Continued from yesterday morning. No, I don’t even have a stepmother. Would you rather be a scientific and mathematical genius or an artistic genius with a huge imagination? I’d take science and math. I love looking at art from afar and I don’t want to turn it into a job.

What is your favorite type of tea? ☕️ I don’t like tea.

Where was the last place you traveled? Not counting trips I take within the city/region, Zambales. Have you ever ridden in a horse-drawn carriage? Not a carriage, no. But I have been on a horse.

Have you ever met anyone with the last name Byron? Not at all. Idk where you can find anyone with that surname here.

When was the last time you were in a bookshop? Yesterday evening when Angela, Reena, and I went gift shopping. Angela needed a children’s book and crayons for her nephew; Reena needed notecards for her gifts.

Do you enjoy reading historical fiction? If I come across a piece I like, then I could enjoy it. I don’t seek it out though; I never do so for fiction.

What is your favorite work of historical fiction? Without Seeing the Dawn.

Does it rain a lot where you live? Between July to October, yes. Flooding is a common occurrence and a very big problem in certain areas; and with the government never doing anything about it I imagine it will continue to be an issue.

When was the last time you got caught in a thunderstorm while out walking? Fortunately not. 

Have you ever built a zipline? Nah.

When was the last time you rode on a zipline? I think as a kid when my parents used to take me to indoor playgrounds? My stomach doesn’t fare well with motion/suspension stuff so I’ve never taken any adult-level ziplines.

Did you ever sneak out of your house when you were younger? No, it’s useless to lie to my parents because they find out one way or another. It was always a lot easier to just let them know where I planned to be; it was for safety reasons, too. If I found myself injured in a car crash and was 4798234 km away from where I said I was supposed to be, what else was I gonna tell them? Thoughts like that kept me from lying.

...and if yes, where did you go? - ....and did you get in trouble? I never got in trouble for things like that.

Do you own a horse? 🐎 Nope.

What is your best friend's name? Angela, Andi, Reena. Is anyone in your family an author or poet? My great-grandfather’s cousin is an established author in the history scene. His works continue to be a part of syllabi in universities today.

Is anyone in your family a scientist or mathematician? I feel like this is giving away too much at this point, but the same ^ relative was accorded as a National Scientist of the Philippines. 

What was the name of your first crush? The first irl crush I had had been Andi. Not the same Andi who’s my best friend today, but it was a girl from grade school that I had become good friends with.

Have you ever dated a guy with a girl's name? I’ve never dated a guy.

Have you ever kissed someone in a graveyard? 🪦 Uh, I don’t think so.

What is the most scandalous thing you've ever done? Idk man. Even if I knew, idk if I’d feel like sharing right now.

What do you think of the name Fanny? I don’t like it. Do you believe in fairies? No.

Do you believe in vampires. No.

Would you rather be named Fanny or Faye? I hate both of them but I guess Faye.

Do you have a godmother? Well, yes, in the Christian sense. As far as I know having godparents is a requirement when getting baptized. Since I’m the eldest, my godparents are my mom’s and dad’s siblings; my sister’s godparents are my mom’s first cousins. I think my brother’s are my dad’s college friends.

Are you someone's godmother? To one of my cousins, yes. I imagine I’d be a godparent to more once my friends and cousins start having kids of their own, too.

How many doors are there in your home? 🚪 Too many.

What color is your closet door? Brown. Have you ever snuck out a window onto a rooftop? Never done that.

Have you ever snuck out of your house to go meet up with a guy somewhere? No.

....that your parents didn't know you were dating? No.

Would you rather travel to Paris or London? London.

Would you rather travel to France or Switzerland? 🇫🇷🇨🇭 Switzerland.

Are your parents divorced? They are not. If they wanted to, their best resort is an annulment because we don’t have divorce here.

What is one thing that you hope to accomplish before you die? Continued (again) from Christmas Eve, lol. Can I finally finish this survey now that most of the family reunions and socializing are over? Let’s find outtt. Travel to a different continent.

Have you ever built a robot? 🤖 I have not and haven’t been interested in making one myself.

Have you ever been to a magic show? 🪄🎩 Yes, magic shows are practically a staple in children’s parties here. I’ve seen a bunch and they’ve all always been very entertaining.

When was the last time you saw a frog? 🐸 Last Saturday when there were a couple of frogs hopping around our villa.

Have you ever been struck by lightning? ⚡️ Oh, wow. No. Wouldn’t I have been killed if this happened?

Have you ever received an electrical zap? ⚡️🔌 Yes. Looking back it was an incredibly dumb fault of mine, but I was 11 and didn’t know any better. Anyway, it’s also the reason why I’m still scared to plug anything and usually ask for help to do so to this day. Have you ever ran away from home? I considered it a handful of times in the past but it never materialized. Cutting off ties with everybody in your family was a big risk/jump to take.

When was the last time you wrote a poem? Years ago.

Who is your favorite poet? I don’t have one.

Do you enjoy writing poetry? I never liked it. Whenever we had to write poems in school, it was never more than homework to me; I was never good at them and I never liked the read-between-the-line-ness of poems either.

Would you rather write a novel or a book of poems? When it comes to me writing I’ve always enjoyed doing long-form pieces more, so a novel is more likely to happen.

Have you ever been to a poetry reading? Nope.

Do you believe that it's possible for someone to be resurrected from the dead? No. Well I believe those accounts of people who’ve flatlined but were able to be brought back to life, but that’s it. 

When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? It was in like September when I was picking up my mom from work and I decided to take a little walk in the area while waiting. I happened to be at a poorly-lit area when suddenly I get the feeling this dude behind had his sight on me, so I changed my walking from Pleasant Stroll to Survival Mode and just went to the nearby Starbucks to be safe. I’m sure the dude was just a normal pedestrian, but I needed to be safe because the moment something happened and I started screaming, I doubt people would stop and help.

Have you ever felt like you were being followed by someone? As far as I know it has only been that ^ one incident. 

Have you ever idolized someone (or just really looked up to someone) and then found out they were selfish? I feel this way about Kristen Stewart with regard to her cheating.

Do you have a cousin named Peter? I do not.

How far away do you live from Switzerland? A Google search tells me it is a quick 10,472 km away.

What are three things you think of when you hear the word "Switzerland"? Mountains, chocolate, neutrality.

Have you ever been to Switzerland? I have not.

Would you rather meet Peter Pan or the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz? I haven’t watched either movie so idk which one I’d like more.

Are you afraid of thunderstorms? ⛈ I love them when I’m indoors. But the last thing I want is to be stuck outside when a thunderstorm starts.

Do you wish you had a fairy godmother? Well, no. Cosmo and Wanda had me imagining how cool it would be to get everything you want, but I knew they weren’t real anyway so it wasn’t like I was the kind of kid who was convinced fairy godparents could come to life if I believed in them hard enough.

Which name do you like better for a girl: Jane or Claire? I really love both. But I think I like Jane just a teeny teeny tiny bit more.

Do you have a common first name? I wouldn’t call it common. It’s familiar to people, but it’s never been a Top 10, 20, 50, 100 name.

Is your first name old-fashioned? It comes off as one, at least to me. Idk what others think though!

What color hair does your current crush (or boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, whatever) have? I don’t have one of those.

Have you ever been to Notre Dame cathedral in Paris? No.

Do you like kale? I’ve never had it.

What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in a theater? It was more embarrassing for my siblings than it was for me, but the 3 of us once watched the last full screening of a Spongebob movie and I fell asleep halfway through. I woke up with the credits nearly ending, nobody but us left in the theater, and the crew coming in to start cleaning up trash.

In my defense(?), I have no idea why neither of them just shook me awake. They literally just stared at me until I woke up on my own??????? Like what would they have done if my brain decided to sleep through the night? LOL

Have you ever gone out with a guy and then later found out that he was married? No.

...and would you be upset if this happened? Duh. Upset, infuriated, and grossed out would be an accurate summary.

What was the name of the main character in the last book you read? Edward.

...and what was the name of the villain? James.

What do you think would be a good name for a villain? I feel like many of the exceptional TV/movie assholes actually have mundane, office-ass names. Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey, Alex from A Clockwork Orange, Gus from Breaking Bad...

Have you ever had someone ask you if you had magic powers? No.

...and do you have magic powers? No. Wishing we could stop with the fantasy questions at this point, too.

Are you a fan of Frankenstein? No.

What are three things that the word "Frankenstein" makes you think of? The character, the character’s hair, and the wrestling move Frankensteiner.

Do you try to make the most of every day? Well, not literally every day on the calendar. Some days I just want to take it easy.

What was the last valuable life lesson you learned? Take chances, especially those where you’d have nothing to lose. What was your favorite teacher's name? Ettie. Have you ever had someone copy you or steal your ideas for something? Probably.

Have you ever dated someone behind your parents' back? For six years.

[solongllondon]

2, 15

sina!! thank you!! <33

2: top 5 books of all time:

(in no particular order bc i could never decide lol) here goes: hot milk, deborah levy / the hunger games, suzanne collins / notes of a native son, james baldwin / the song of achilles, madeline miller / good omens -  neil gaiman and terry pratchett

15: recommend and review a book:

Everybody in this room will someday be dead by Emily Austin.

I discovered this book last month and I have never felt more seen or understood like that before. I, orginially, picked it up because the first sentence on the back of the book felt very me, in a funny, my friends would describe me like that way. And, then, the rest of the book was not what I expected. But the trend of 'oh, hey it me,' continued on. It's as if Emily Austin plucked every thought from my head and put it down on a page. Every paragraph made me go 'oh'. Don't let the blurbs of the book fool you; they will tell you it's a 'laugh out loud novel.' Meanwhile, I cried on every goddamn page. The main character is a twenty-something lesbian struggling with anxiety and depression in a way that is not. cute. Her hygiene suffers, her apartment and health fall to the wayside and it is all just. Real. Her depression is honest and painful and so, so relatable it hurts. Don't get me wrong, I can understand why people reviewed the book as funny because it is. It is chock-full of situational comedy and an awareness of the world that begs you to laugh out loud. It is, also, however, traumatically real. We are introduced to the main character, Gilda and from the first page on, Gilda makes you understand and emphasize with her, makes you feel that she gets loneliness. Loneliness, when you're around others, strangers, co-workers, and even loved ones. The kind of loneliness that sits deep in your heart and claws its way into your body, your mind, until you can't do anything but succumb to it. Yes, I make this book sound bleak af, and I think it might not be, not to everyone, but to someone who struggles with the same things she does, it is bleak. The funny parts are there because the writing is wildy creative and witty and earnest but overall this is a book that hits home about depression and anxiety. The actual plot of the book is hilarious in its absurdity, I will admit, but I kept getting drawn back into Gilda's mental state and the way she viewed the world. I love this book, every page of it. It made me feel understood and seen and heard and if I ever needed to point at one piece of art or media to encapsulate what it's like in my brain, I'd point you in the direction of Everybody in this room will be someday be dead. It is a brilliant read. And a painful one.

here's some of my favorite quotes:

"I never know how to answer that question because I don't feel like I am out. I feel like I am in a constant state of coming out, and like I always will be. I have to come out every time I meet someone."

“The fact that I’m able to carry myself through life without being crushed beneath the psychological weight of being alive proves that I’m a con artist. Aren’t we all con artists.” 

I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every other stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now.” 

“I feel so profoundly inside of myself, I can't stand it.” 

tldr: It's like the exact opposite of escapism lol, like. welcome to my brain, enjoy your stay kinda vibe. 5/5.

✨ send me book asks ✨

[brighteyedjill]

Why censor a fandom event?

Do the mods for a fandom event have the right to  make restrictions on content? Sure. They’re volunteers running their own event. 

But. Fandom is a culture that we build together. If we were just people enjoying media in our own homes, we would not be a community. But we’re not. We talk to each other, reblog each other’s amazing art, comment on AO3, squee in Discord channels over ideas, and so on. That’s what makes fandom great: we build it collectively. And like any culture, we have some shared norms. For example, since AO3 is a big influence on our culture, tagging has become a cultural norm in fandom. We tag for the “big four” warnings on AO3, and increasingly, tag more and more details of content to help people find what they like and avoid what they don’t. 

Fandom events like Big Bangs shape fandom culture, too, though. They bring together people who might otherwise not know each other, and have a tendency to dominate the fandom conversation for a time. Restrictions in a Big Bang have a chilling effect on content creators. That means that some work will not get written because of these restrictions, and also that people’s opinions towards this kind of content may be influenced on a larger scale. I personally find this unfortunate, as some of the things on the restricted list are things I’ve written about, uh, a lot. But aside from just me, there are larger implications to consider. Read more about the history of strikethrough and content restriction to learn about who is harassed and excluded when fandom culture turns against “questionable” content. 

I posit that restrictions like this are not always The Norm™ in fandom events, nor should they be. In a fandom like the Witcher, whose canon includes everything on the restricted list, most of them graphically, I believe content of a similar nature should be welcome in fandom content. I ran my first Big Bang in 2009, and have participated in half a dozen bangs and reverse bangs since. None of them had content restrictions (here’s an example of a Big Bang without content restrictions that’s been running since 2011). Some Big Bangs do; sometimes this is dependent on the canon content, more often it depends on who has power and influence in the fandom. Here’s a case for why not to include restrictions in future events.

What are these restrictions meant to do?

As I understand it, these restrictions are meant to make things more inclusive by allowing more people to participate. Are they successful in that? It’s possible they allow different people to participate. As with many things, there are competing access needs here. More on that below. But let’s look at what “making things more inclusive” means in practice. 

Problem: We want to allow participation from people who don’t want to come into contact with dark content. 

OK. Let’s help participants avoid coming into contact with dark content if they don’t want to. How might they come into contact with dark content?

1.) People might hear upsetting conversations in Discord chat

Solution: Ask people to post in the appropriate channel. Use a “walk away” rule to encourage people to leave the channel if a conversation comes up that they’re not comfortable with. If you want to go further, you could have people warn for certain topics, or restrict darker topics to a specific channel, though this runs up against a different issue (see below).

2) People might see content in the claims that they don’t like, or don’t want to work on. 

Solution: Usually in a Big Bang the artists look at a list of summaries and tags and choose which fic(s) they’d like to work on. No artist is going to be forced to work on anything they don’t want to. Even artists who enjoy dark content are often illustrating something other than the darkest, most graphic, or most explicit moment of a fic. In a claiming situation, you can have writers tag their fics, just like they would on AO3, to allow artists to filter out content they’re not interested in or that they would find upsetting. 

2.5) We won’t find any artist to work on certain pieces.

Solution: This happens sometimes. You could put out a call for more artist participants, allow artists to claim a second piece if they want, or you may have to tell a creator that there’s not a match for them. That is a bummer, but this happens sometimes, especially in fandoms where writers vastly outnumber artists. But in no scenario will any artist be forced to write for a piece that squicks them. 

3) People might see content in the Big Bang collection that they don’t like. 

Solution: This one’s pretty easy. Tagging. Tagging has been used on AO3 since its inception to help people avoid content they do not want to see. People don’t have to engage with content they don’t want to see if it is properly tagged. 

4) The mods don’t personally want to engage with the content. 

Solution: Find a mod who will, so that mods who don’t want to don’t have to! You can get a volunteer to do this, I guarantee.

5) I want to encourage the creation of lighter or SFW content.

Solution: I get that. Say so! Explain what content you welcome, and phrase what you’re looking for in a positive way (e.g. “We require that content be T rated or below and have a generally positive outlook and an upbeat ending.”) rather than what you don’t want. Be clear, specific, and up front about it, so that you connect with the creators you’re hoping will participate. 

6) I think this content should not exist. 

This is the one I can’t help you with. If the reason you’re banning content is because, consciously or unconsciously, you think that it’s morally reprehensible, or that the people who make it are bad, I do not have a solution to offer. 

Competing Access Needs

I’m not going to get too far into the weeds on how making a list of restricted topics is impossible, because others have addressed this point. No matter what list you come up with, someone out there will find something you failed to list, but that you feel should be restricted. What to do? If they’ve already completed a fic, tell them to leave? Tell them they have to change it? Let it slide? There will be endless questions about what is and isn’t allowed, which is time-consuming and exhausting for mods, and paralyzing for creators. How do I know if this scene is un-graphic enough? Will I need to revise my whole fic? Will I get kicked out entirely if I write the wrong thing? Will some participants get preferential treatment or the benefit of the doubt because of their identities or their connections?

Censorship brings up competing access needs. Someone doesn’t want to see non-con. Someone is writing non-con fic to work through their own trauma. Someone is writing it for other reasons. Can you accommodate all these folks? I would say yes, in the ways detailed above. But when you start restricting content (as in Strikethrough or Boldthrough, discussed in the history link above), you’re not wielding a scalpel. You’re wielding an anvil, and you’re gonna crush things you didn’t mean to crush. Again, check out the history link to see who gets crushed. 

So… what to do?

Do I think people should change the rules for the events they’re running? No (john mulaney we are well past that.gif). As I said, people who are running their own events have the prerogative to restrict them for whatever audience they’re hoping to reach. Questioning fandom practices is not “shitting on” anyone (and hey--no scat allowed). 

What I would really like is for Witcher fandom to have a think about how we want to proceed as a community. What should be the norm? Witcher fandom culture (in its current form, i.e. big) is still relatively young. There can be variation, sure: Discord server vibes vary wildly, for example. But in the big events or activities that we hope will be open to the largest part of the community, how do we want to intentionally foster the maximum amount of great content about our favorite things? There are ways to be inclusive that do not involve censorship, and I believe we should use them. 

[imagine-your-love-story]

hey penny!! This is kind of a big one, but you're my absolute favorite f/o blog and I trust you to maybe help with this a bit. I've been struggling a lot with having an f/o lately in a deeper way that's nothing but shame and guilt and jealousy. I'm in a really difficult transition in my life rn and have been struggling in a way I haven't for such a long time, and my f/o's source media has been my incredible safe space for a while now. I love it. It makes me feel excited and like myself and motivated to one day make great art like it. but lately my brain has twisted it (and my relationship with my f/o) into this terrible thing to be ashamed of. I tend to be a fandom jumper, delving into a piece of media for about 6 months at a time, before it fades and I find something else. and I'm TERRIFIED that I'm starting to feel disconnected from this piece of media I feel like I kinda need right now during this time? it's not as long as other pieces of media and I'm scared I've kinda drained it dry of its magic and have kinda experienced everything, and that the honeymoon period is over, and I so desperately want it to go back to that. I want it to be okay to keep enjoying this thing I love, and honestly feel like I need at times (I swear sometimes I'm in full baby needs her bottle mode). but I've been having STRIKING jealousy over other people liking or writing fanfic for him. Not to mention he's canonically married and everyone ships them like crazy-- I personally don't that much, and she kinda looks like me anyway (at times I just pretend she's my s/I and he whispers a combo of her name and mine and lets her hair down so it looks like mine bc he secretly knows she's just my own s/I ;) -- but I still get bothered and hate myself for the first instinctual emotional and physical response to seeing them and seeing other people like him. It's so weird and turns this experience into something I hate, but can't step away from either. I have my own canon a year after the events of my source that I think is super cute and make things work for both my f/o and his (ex- ;) ) canon love interest (and I personally think is super cute, I totally ship her with his brother) but it's hard not to feel like that's wrong or stupid or out-of-character or disrespecting the original canon or experiencing this art in the 'wrong' way or whatever, especially considering how much content there is for them. I told my s/o I needed a break, just a step back, and he was very sweet about it and understood ("I'm here when you need me"). but needed him sooner than I thought, and last night we were just able to cuddle and hold each other without talking or putting a label on it or jumping to a big conclusion about any of it. it was nice. lol maybe I just need to step out of the fandom part of it and just enjoy it for myself in my own special way, and get back to why I enjoyed it in the first place. there's so much self-judgement about it all (I've been here before with a lot of things I love, the fear of obsession, the shame of needing, feeling like I should be more rational and adult about everything, feeling like I HAVE to step away even though my brain instantly fights against it-- and none of those fears have ever come to fruition. I guess it just saddens me that all this deep love will fade eventually. it makes me sad. I just want to make it a happy place for me while it lasts. and I'm sure it'll come back into my life eventually, with only the happy stuff and none of the bad, which is what usually happens) I know this is a lot (my mini novel!! hope you've enjoyed!!) and I originally thought of just messaging you for advice, but thought that maybe even one person out there might relate and need the advice too. your blog and your heart (it shines through even just in your writing) are amazing and I appreciate you being willing to read. even just writing about it helps, especially to someone who I feel might sympathize or understand. escapism and media we relate to are so important, so it breaks my heart when it becomes this overcomplicated, depressing beast--

especially when I feel it doesn't have to be. again, thanks for reading this WALL of text and I hope you have the best, most peaceful, wonderful day. <3

Hello lovely darling!! Thank you so much for feeling comfortable to share with me!! ♥♥♥ I'm so sorry you're struggling and swamped with these emotions! They sound like a beast to bear! ♥

A number of things stood out for me so I'm probably going to write a mini novel in return so buckle up for some reading! :)

Fandom

You mentioned that your f/o and his canon love interest are a popular ship. Because of that, you see a lot of material that makes you feel jealous.

Fandom can be GREAT in many ways, but it can also be a lot to process and/or pretty horrible, depending on the situation.

For one of my f/os, the fandom likes to write really rough explicit fics It doesn't fit his personality AT ALL but it's now the norm for about 95% (if not more) of the fandom to write this content. And A LOT of it.

So of course people assume everyone accepts it as canon. Then they stop tagging things because why bother? EVERYONE likes it! (allegedly) Which makes it really difficult to blacklist.

I couldn't get away from it. Every time I tried finding new blogs to follow, it was one graphic fic after another.

At least three times in the course of the past year, I have fully removed myself from my f/o and his source material because I was getting so anxious, I was edging into panic attack territory.

He didn't make me feel safe anymore. He made me want to run away.

I have *carefully* eased myself back into my f/o's material again. But I do NOT go into any tags related to him. I follow about 2 blogs that I trust and that's it.

Sometimes I think fandoms can form these unwieldy mobs. It can be fun to find other people to share your enthusiasm with!

But the catch-22 is that you can also encounter people who may throw a wet blanket on your enthusiasm and ruin the fun for you.

I believe it's perfectly normal to take a break from fandom. It helps you get back to what YOU liked about the show, rather than constantly assessing what OTHER people think about it and getting overwhelmed with the fact that it seems you're the ONLY person who thinks X while everyone else is all about Y.

I've noticed other self-shippers have mentioned similar problems - feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered by the general majority of the fandom. Feeling like they shouldn't enjoy what they do because a large portion of the fandom hates it.

If you weren't on tumblr, would you still enjoy the thing? Probably!

It might feel lonely and weird at first to take a break from fandom. But try to enjoy yourself and remember why you fell in love with your f/o in the first place! :)

If it would make you feel more comfortable, you could set your blog to private so only a handful of people you trust can see it instead of the fandom at large!

Fear of fading love

You mentioned that you're scared your love for your f/o's material will fade at some point. And it might. Everything in life has a cycle - things shift because we've outgrown it or we want something fresh or we need new horizons to explore and that's okay!

But that love has been a crucial and defining part of your life for a LONG time. That love is permanently etched into you like a tattoo. It helped you grow. It helped you learn to love yourself in a whole new way you never would have had otherwise!

This love has shaped you and given you confidence and support. It has created a safe haven for you, granting you the comfort and freedom to be yourself.

That will stay with you forever. Every time you employ that confidence, you're exercising what that love has taught you. You're drawing on the well of strength it created in you. You're revisiting it and saying thank you and I love you always.

Maybe you won't love it as deeply in the future. But the love will always remain :)

Feeling disconnected

I can DEFINITELY relate to this feeling and it suuuuuucks omg.

There could be any number of reasons why you're feeling this disconnect but unfortunately, the only way to move past it is to hold on and weather the storm.

Maybe it's real life problems creating stress that make you feel blah.

Maybe it's just a "change of season" and you're in the transition mode into something else. But the in-between time is turbulent and a generally yucky feeling.

About 4 years ago, I was crazy in love with Star Wars and super active. I wrote fic like a madwoman (300k words in 1 1/2 years). But the fandom was very heavy on the toxic drama. And too many people were demanding/rude with their "feedback" on my fics.

Eventually, I stopped writing and disappeared because I was completely burned out. I didn't enjoy Star Wars anymore.

No matter how hard I looked, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find anything to replace Star Wars. And it left me feeling so listless (and kinda bitter, tbh).

I'm finally starting to touch on a few media sources that I'm really nuts about now and it feels amaaaaazzzziiing to get into that groove again.

But it took FOUR YEARS.

I tried to go back, revisit my old stomping grounds, pick up my old username but it felt...off. I wasn't that person anymore. I had expanded into something else that needed more room to breathe.

Looking back, I've realized that I had to sort through a few things before I could reach where I am now.

I had been juggling a number of stressors that were taxing my mental energy, including: family responsibilities, job stress (BIG one), Covid (another BIG one), self criticism (i.e. "this is a waste of time and you should do something more productive, stop being childish"), and burnout.

Eventually something will *click* again! But for now, it sounds like you're sorting through something and until you come out the other side, it might be a bumpy ride for a while (HUGS). It WILL sort itself out eventually though, promise! ♥

Feeling guilty/shame

This is only a matter of how you are treating yourself and speaking to yourself, my lovely!

Everyone has needs. That's not something to be shameful for. When you bury that need because you think, "I shouldn't feel this way!", you only create MORE anxiety.

If you NEED your f/o's source material right now to bring some joy into your life, that's okay!

If you NEED a break from fandom because people won't shut up for god's sake about shipping your f/o with your canon love interest, that's okay!

The best way to battle feelings of shame is be kind to yourself. Talk yourself down from the brink of these volatile emotions that are upsetting you.

DON'T beat yourself over the head and say, "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. BE AN ADULT, YOU NOODLE."

DO try acknowledging the way you feel and alter your activity to something that makes you feel better, like, "Hey, I'm not in a great headspace right now. Fandom doesn't seem to be helping, making me feel worse. I know it's fiction but my feelings are valid. I'm going to listen to some music that reminds me of my f/o because I enjoy doing that."

***

Anyway, um, WOW that got much longer than I expected! I hope a little of that was useful, lovely! Fingers crossed that things start looking up for you very soon!!! ♥

[themollyjay]

A Response to Entitlement and Privilege

This is a repost of a thread I posted over on my twitter account

My Original Tweet:

@straczynski Can you say one way or the other at this point whether we'll get to see any explicitly queer characters this time?

Response from:

Ed C. Ex-cop. Linux-head. Day trader.

@n7ekg

Replying to @themollyjay and @straczynski

Why is that so important to you? Who gives a damn what race, sex, or sexual orientation a character is? Grow up and stop focusing on sex.

My Initial Response:

Molly

@themollyjay

Replying to @n7ekg and @straczynski

It's easy for people who don't wake up every day wondering which state will pass a law making it illegal for you to use public facilities or make it legal for some to refuse you health care.  Representation matters.  It changes minds and normalizes our existence.  It saves lives.

The Follow Up Thread I wrote:

Let's talk about this tweet?  Let's talk about the entitlement and privilege that's showing here.  I asked the creator of a new show I'm looking forward to if there was a chance we'd see explicitly queer characters in the show, and this guy jumped in with this response. 1/

Ed C. here is a Cis Gendered Heterosexual White Man.  Someone who has never had his civil rights debated on the floor of the Senate.  Never seen 29 states pass constitutional amendments stripping him of something as basic as the right to marry. 2/

He's never been vilified, never been compared to a rapist or a pedophile just for existing.  He doesn't have people ask him how they are supposed to explain his existence to their kids.  He doesn't have to worry about being arrested for using a public bathroom 3/

He doesn't have to check to see if it's legal for a landlord to evict him for being gay or transgender before he rents an apartment.  He doesn't have to worry about being brutally murdered for the crime of existing. 4/

He's never gone a single day without seeing himself reflected in multiple pieces of media.  He's never spent years of his life where the only time he sees himself reflected in TV or movies is as the butt of a joke, or as a crazy murderer. 5/

He's never cried with joy at the news that one of his favorite shows is adding a character that represents him.  He's never watched an episode of TV with tears in his eyes because it's telling a story that's about someone like him. 6/

He's never been shocked when a show he enjoys randomly turns into a bigoted nightmare half way through an episode.  When that same show spends weeks making bigoted references to that episode.  He's never quit watching a show because of that bigotry 7/

He has the privilege not to care, because he can always find another show where there will be any number of characters that look like him, that come from the same background as him, that reflect the type of person he is. 8/

Ed can pretend not to care what damn race, sex or sexual orientation a character is, because he's sure there will be Cis Het White Men in the show.  He feels entitled to tell others what they should and shouldn't care about because his need for representation is already met. 9/

He doesn't understand what it's like to live in a world where there's only one character like you on broadcast television.  To know that character and her show is going away in less than two months.  He doesn't know what it's like to live on scraps, and be desperate for more. 10/

I'm tired.  I am so very tired of people like Ed shouting us down when all we ask for is a seat at the table.  I'm tired of being told that including characters who look like me will ruin the show.  Of being told I shouldn't care about representation. 11/

I'm tired of being told that it's wrong to ask to have my existence acknowledged.  I'm tired of being told that asking for crumbs is asking to much and that I should be content with nothing. 12/

I have the right to exist.  I have the right to want to see myself reflected in art and media and pop culture.  I have the right to want to see my existence not treated as some dirty, shameful thing. 13/

I will not be shouted down by privileged, entitled people who have never had their existence treated as a joke, or a source of disgust and shame. 14/

Yes I care what sex, what race, what sexual orientation, or what gender identity a character is.  Because it matters.  It matters to everyone who isn't a White, Cis Gendered Heterosexual Man.  Because it's important, and shame on him for pretending it's not.  15/15

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi Dils!

So i've been reading your posts about all these artists who are terrible people, and it got me thinking...I never really understood this blind love, or better to say obsession with people who you haven't even met. I mean, i don't even know much (almost anything) about the solo artists and bands that i listen to, besides their names (the only band i know more about is fob). And that is maybe because i am interested in the art, not the artist...but can you detach art from artist? What do you think?

I mean i don't follow the artists i listen to on social media, i don't know anything about their lives, i just can't devote my time and energy to that, i am here only for the art they make. Is this wrong? I don't know, but there's just too much information and too little time.

And also is this wrong to still love the music if the person involved in making it happened to be not a great specimen of humankind? Vices&virtues is one of my favorite albums (it's the album by panic, their 3rd). And i do not support br*ndon, obviously, so i downloaded the album not to stream it, but i really like it, and br*ndon was still not the only person involved in making it, it even has some of pete's lyrics. So yeah, i don't like br*ndon, but i love the album. Is that wrong?

Do you listen to music you really like made by people who you found out to be problematic later on? Or do you just delete all those songs and forget it?

this is a really good question, and one without a clear answer. the truth is, you cannot meaningfully separate art from the artist. often people scream "death of the author!" and think that saves you, but death of the author is just a lens through which one analyzes media, and even to analyze media through a lens completely divorced from who the author was or is requires you to acknowledge that the work was created by a person who lived with interests and a politics and a personality. basically "the author is dead, long live the author".

that said, art also belongs to the people who consume it, just as much as it belongs to the artist. maybe moreso. people interpret it, and bring their biases and views to it, and see only an image of the authors soul through the windows to their own. you could go into a piece of work completely blind and come out with the exact interpretation the author wanted you to have, or something wildly unrelated to what they had in mind that makes total sense, or something that only makes sense to you with the life you personally have lived.

when it comes to long dead authors with problematic views, like, say, hp lovecraft (rest in piss) this is easy. the act of internalizing the way their fingerprints have been left in the clay, as it were, can be done without worrying about benefiting the person who left such ugly marks. that said, you do also need to scrutinize your own reading of it, what you like and dislike about it, and figure out whether or not it is a reflection of something you dont like in yourself, but you also have the benefit of hindsight, so this too is easier.

with people who are still living, though, its difficult to be certain. definitely do all you can to disavow the author and avoid giving them any free advertising or finances, and if there is a reading of the art that you feel certain is disconnected from the bigotry of the author, especially one that is important to you, i truly think you can enjoy the art they create mostly separate from the artist. the remaining connection cant be fully severed, but it can be acknowledged and scrutinized and you can continue to be aware of it. there is a way! its just takes a fair bit of dedication.

as for me, i occasionally indulge, but mostly i have to let sleeping dogs lie. i cant fully divorce the artist from any interpretation i come to. im terrible at death of the author style readings, personally, unless i literally dont know anything about the author. it just distracts me, ill just hear things that can be tied back to how shit they are all the time.

with b, he fucking sucks at everything he does so theres not a lot of him in anything these days to be totally honest, so id say youre fine by virtue of him being quite talentless and shallow.

[opbackgrounds]

FAQ

This is long overdue, which is 100% on me and after much dragging of feet I’ve finally gotten around to making a faq. Hopefully this will help those new to the blog going forward, but if there’s anything I missed or you feel should be added let me know and I can can make an addition

Who are you?

I go by Sarcasticles but most people call me Sarc. I’m a woman so she/her pronouns are fine, and also write fanfic and have a twitter under that name. My main is @creative-type and I post my half-assed art at @sarcs-art. No, I haven’t taken any literature classes since high school. Yes, I’m making this up as I go.

How did you get into One Piece

To be honest I almost didn’t. I remember watching the 4kids! dub of the Pearl fight, and even as a wee babu thought the idea of a man spontaneously setting himself on fire was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen. I wrote the series off and only watched because it was on the Toonami block with Naruto, and even then thought that every Devil Fruit user had a unique weakness and only Luffy was unlucky enough not to be able to swim. 

That changed when I happened to see the episode Croc said Robin’s name for the first time. From there I was hooked but didn’t know how to access it after it was taken off the air. I caught up with the manga in high school, and have been reading weekly since about the time of the Duval identity reveal

Favorite character? 

Robin, 100%. If not for her, I never would have gotten into the series. She’s one of my favorites in all media, not just One Piece

Where do you get your manga caps?

I use mangasee for opbackgrounds—which uses the official English translation, at least for the early chapters—and read weekly using the Viz app

How do you make your posts?/How do you notice all this stuff?

Repetition, mostly. You read a thing once to enjoy it, twice to ponder it, and three times to understand it. I’ve read all pre-timeskip material at least twice and there are some sections I have gone over dozens of times while doing research for fanfic. 

I firmly believe anyone can do what I am doing here, but like everything else it’s a learned skill that needs to be practiced. There’s a reason why your high school English teacher wanted you to analyze the use of the color green in the Great Gatsby. Meta posts are nothing but literary analysis after an aggressive rebranding campaign. 

What’s Your Opinion on (fill in the blank)?

While I love getting questions and writing meta, before sending a question like this I ask that you please keep in mind the following: 

1) My focus for this blog is to comb through manga sequentially. I’m not going to analyze or speculate on current events because, to me, that isn’t fun. We’ll get there when we get there (I say while acknowledging the fact it might take us awhile to get there)

2) Please check the archive before sending an ask. I use the #sarc talks for all asks and have a pretty robust tagging system overall. I’ve hit just about every major talking point within the fandom, and chances are my opinions haven’t changed

3) No spoilers, please. I follow the official English release for the manga, but this also includes other media like movies or the live action series. Also, I don’t follow the anime at all, so if an ask is regarding something adaptation-wise I probably haven’t seen it

4) My policy is ship and let ship, and I have a very Luffyarian view on romance overall--I’m only here for the adventure, so please don’t ask me about specific pairings because I could not care less

5) Please make sure your question is meant for me and not @kaizokuou-ni-naru. While she has some pretty great meta posts and can probably answer any questions sent to her that are meant for me, I know absolutely nothing about Japanese and will only be able to shrug helplessly in your general direction

6) While I enjoy doing analysis and answering questions, it’s not my job to understand the manga for you. If the answer to your question is plainly found in the text I’m probably going to ignore it

7) I feel like this should go without saying, but be courteous. I am infinitely more tolerant of a simple question asked nicely than a meaty question said with hostility. This extends to the comment section as well. Play nice, and we’ll all be able to get along

[thescrapbookingscientist]

Bimonthly Media Roundup

Late again as October is a very busy month and I've been doing training at work making me busier than usual, plus had to work on a Monster themed power-point for our PowerPoint Halloween party. Also I got COVID again so that was fun.

- Spirited Away (Movie) - Spur of the moment decision that my sister and I made to go see this in the theater as a birthday outing for me. For one of my favorite movies of all time it's really been awhile since I've seen it, and while I obviously have nostalgia goggles and anime bias I do really think it deserves all the acclaim it gets. Incredibly creative world, fantastical atmosphere that just lets you experience it without feeling the need to over-explain and clarify every little thing, phenomenal music, charming characters and visuals, and a constantly engaging plot, the peak of what movies can be. My only real nitpick is that Zeniba and Yubaba really should be wearing different clothes from each other, the twins have different personalities and the dress designs should have reflected that. Anyway 11/10 if you haven't seen it you should do so immediately.

- Last Week Tonight (TV) - Big Mood.

- Spy X Family (Anime) - Yup.

- Heaven Official's Blessing (Anime) - TGCF is finally back! Not much to say so far as they are taking their time with the pacing (which is fine by me as I was worried they would rush through), but I'm happy to see more of the Windmaster and I love all the different and fun monster designs in Ghost City, I would hang out there for sure.

- Dr Stone (Anime) - Dr Stone is back as well, and I'm having fun with the current arc. Moz is a fun addition who I'm sure will eventually become a good guy as all defeated villains in this show do - his brand of "I don't give a shit about my evil societies rules and just want to fight strong people for sport actually" is always a welcome character type. Also I like his design. I do want to learn more about the female warrior as well as while I love Kohaku and new addition Amaryllis, this series really could use some more central female characters.

- The Greatest Estate Developer (Webnovel) - Nothing new to say but this art is cute.

- Ace Attorney Vs Professor Layton (Video Game) - Thought I would finish this before this came out but I've been a bit too busy to have it up most days, so I still have a little more to go. I'm honestly enjoying it more than I thought I would, I was kind of just going through it out of obligation to say I've experienced the entire Ace attorney series but the plot, characters, aesthetic, and humor have been pretty good actually. I still have a bit to go so the finale will cement my overall feelings but I'm certainly enjoying it more than the Investigations games at least.

- One Piece (Anime) - Due to earlier exposure to the early manga arcs, I always knew that I would one day become obsessed with this series, and pulling my sister down into this rabbit hole with me was the motivation I needed to make good on that. The series has it's issues obviously - the women's bodies are notoriously ridiculous and vary so little in comparison to the wide variety of male body types, the pacing can be a bit annoying at times with frequent flashbacks and drawn out fights, and while ridiculousness is it's creed the amount of damage these characters can just walk off is immersion-breakingly absurd. Unfortunately the good points of the series really do drown out the flaws at this point at least - The world is incredibly creative and a joy to explore, the central characters (and especially the protagonist) are all very charming with fun dynamics between them, the individual arcs are really engaging with earned emotional highs and memorable visuals, the humor is consistently on point, and above all it wildly succeeds in it's premise of being an escapist fantasy in which a group of lovable friends go on fantastical adventures exploring the wonders of a fantastical world. Here's to the many many more episodes to go.

- Genshin Impact (Video Game) - Finally got to Inazuma which is decent so far, the art and story is consistently good in this game but my familiarity with Japanese culture and JRPGs with similar settings have me a little more excited about getting past this to Sumeru, which seems really neat from a landscape and story perspective. Then again Inazuma has a lot of cool looking characters I have yet to meet so we'll see as we go. Yan Fei is my best girl with Lisa being a consistent support, with Barbara, Dendro Traveler, Candace, and a recently acquired Rosaria being switched around as my other team members.

Listening To: Bones by MSMR, In My Head by Mike Shinoda, Ivy by Taylor Swift, Give Us A Little Love by Fallulah, Make Up Your Mind by Florence + The Machine, Roll With The Punches and Most People by Dawes, IDOL by YOASOBI, Atlantis by Seafret, Viva la Vida by Reinaeiry, Arcade by Duncan Laurence, Doin' Time by Lana Del Rey.

[mkstrigidae]

Okay so I'm making my way through your masterlist and I'm in love?? Like let's start off with Winter's Child- a masterpiece. You make Sansa a loving and relatable character and interweave the powers into cannon in a way that actually makes cannon make more sense (preconceived biases and such). Jon and Sansa's relationship is SO SWEET and they way they bonded was absolutely adorable (and the backstory with the houses and the powers they have make so much sense) 1/3

(2/3) Neon Rain literally the best Cyberpunk AU! I've ever read. Like what you did with the world building?? The stark class differences (haha see what I did there?), the choices in SOUND, and I could FEEL myself there! I love the family dynamics between the Starks and I'm loving the little details you're dropping with the Greyjoy's , Jon's parentage, and all of the medical procedures. Jon is dramatic af and I love it and Sansa is a bamf AS SHE SHOULD. Nothing but love for this

(3/3) A Past Worth Having has a special place in my heart. You build up this setting like a tapestry, just seeing more richness and depth the longer you look. I'm proud of Sansa for holding her composure, just FEELING in the angst that the older Starks feel at her return, and loving the relationships with Robin and the rest of the Starks + Jon Arryn. The detail that you're putting into the investigation/Oberyn is awe inspiring and I can't wait to see what you do next with the trial + Jonsa

Haha thank you so much!!! This is such a sweet ask to get! My response is under a cut, because this might get kind of long! (lots of my own meta below, bc i accidentally had a lot to say, haha)

With ‘Winter’s Child’ I’ve really enjoyed weaving in fantasy elements to the world because I like to look at stories and pick at loose threads until they unravel and asking ‘what if?’. I thought it would be a super interesting concept to take a character like Sansa, who in ASOIAF is exactly what she is supposed to be as a noblewoman of her class and conforms very well in that role, and put her in a position where she was essentially a societal outcast in a lot of ways! In WC, Sansa has a lot of similar coping mechanisms to ASOIAF Sansa, in that she sort of romanticizes society to avoid thinking about how absolutely awful it is. In ASOIAF, Sansa holds tight to the notion of knights and chivalry and courtly love to cope with the fact that she essentially has no control over her future and, as a woman, is basically property. In WC, I have her really struggling to make herself into that perfect lady and using that as a sort of shield to the fact that, without a gift, there isn’t anything she can do to improve her lot in life. Sansa has these ideas about becoming a perfect lady and hoping that being perfect in other areas will ‘make up’ for what society perceives as deficient about her, but is more jaded than ASOIAF Sansa due to her age and her earlier exposure to the ills of society. So you get a Sansa who gets along better with Arya and Jon as a result, in part because she’s had that exposure to what it’s like to be an outcast in society. I think that the best fantasy has a really strong emotional backdrop (a really great example is ‘Fruits Basket’ which starts by hooking you with this wacky, fun premise about people in a family turning into animals when hugged by a member of the opposite sex, and slowly builds into a point where you can see that the family ‘curse’ is a representation of generational and familial abuse- of bonds that should be broken, and of bonds that may kill us even as we cling to them- it’s extremely complex and rich and if you haven’t read or watched it, I can’t recommend it highly enough), and so while I really love writing about the fantasy aspects, and writing scenes where Sansa does really cool things with her ice powers, the core of the story is really about Sansa coming into her own, and learning that she was a person who was worth something even without any sort of gift. Sort of overcoming societal stigma and realizing your worth and forcing others to see it. It’s so much fun to write, but i’m stuck at the moment, because i need to reread the books, and my roommate is borrowing them right now haha!

God, APWH is like, indulging my inner world-building suspense-narrative loving writer persona. It’s literally my all time favorite trope- which is of someone growing up to find out that they’re a long-lost somebody or have family they never knew about- combined with a lot of research on trauma (which i’ve been doing for academic and other reasons for a while) and a lot of slowly growing psychological horror courtesy of Petyr Baelish (trust me, it’s going to get WAY more intense). There are so many pieces of media that I love, but I think that GRRM has so many characters and such a well fleshed out world that it’s very fun to dive into his worlds and create something there. Inherently, I love a slowly unraveling mystery and morally gray characters, and this is allowing me to indulge in both!!! World-building is my favorite, because i tend to be fairly detail oriented, and i’ve been laying bread crumbs in so many places throughout the story to hopefully build up to a decent conclusion! I know sort of how it ends, and I think people are going to absolutely lose their minds if I execute it correctly. We have a few chapters to go until we get to anything in the semblance of a trial- there’s some more emotional aspects that I think need to get addressed first, and so I’m so grateful that people are so supportive of being willing to wait for the Jonsa, because they really start spending a lot of time with each other during the trial and prior to the trial (i’m a big believer in bonding via long car rides and so there’s a lot of that!). I’m just so humbled and awed by the response to it- I never dreamed that people would enjoy the story this much- when I started it, I was writing a light-hearted family piece that wouldn’t be too long, and, uh, it kind of evolved from there. Clearly, I am not good at keeping things concise haha.

I left Neon Rain for last, because your comments on this one really made me smile! Of all of my stories, oddly enough, Neon Rain is actually the most deeply personal for me, and I’m just so flattered at your kind words! I spend a lot of my time thinking about the flaws inherent in our society, and without getting too detailed, Sansa’s experience with a family member struggling in the medical system is not unfamiliar to me. There’s a weight that comes with the realization that a system that is supposed to care for people is based on capitalistic ideals of profit maximization, and as someone who has experience working in the healthcare system- no matter how bad you think it is in the US, I can promise you it’s actually worse.

Neon Rain actually just started out as a series of mental images from listening to music that I had to get down on paper, and evolved from there. I actually really love the ‘soulmates’ and ‘class differences’ and ‘mastermind art thief’ tropes, but am incapable of writing fun stories without thinking about the reality of those tropes (see APWH for another extreme example of this haha), and so as I was writing and trying to capture this mental image, the rest of the world began unfolding around me. Jon is different because of a different upbringing here, and so is Sansa, and to see the formerly idealistic Sansa become so jaded by the time she meets her soulmate is just catnip for me. You have this interesting dynamic between them, because Jon wants nothing more than to have Sansa in his life, and give her everything she wants and needs, but where the old Sansa (who was arguably middle-class and somewhat naive, as financially secure teenagers understandably tend to be) would have swooned over that, the Sansa who meets Jon when the story begins is seeing the world and all the unfair and unequal systems in it. She can’t just live happily ever after with him right away- there’s a sense of guilt there, of sansa not feeling like she deserves nice things, and there’s also Sansa’s deep sense of compassion and kindness that won’t allow her to just live life as the well taken-care-of girlfriend of a wealthy man, because she isn’t able to just put on blinders and pretend that all the injustice in the world around her doesn’t exist, simply because it wouldn’t affect her that way anymore.

I think that the core to writing Sansa, for me, in any universe, is that she is a kind and compassionate person who is capable of feeling sympathy towards even the people who have done horrific things to her and her family- that emotional awareness and empathy is a harsh thing to have in a world like Neon Rain, and in our own world, honestly. I’m so glad that you appreciate Sansa’s BAMF-ness in the story- I think that her chapters demonstrate that she is capable of doing extraordinary things when she’s doing them for people she cares for, to be kind (The scene where Alayne helps Robin down from the eyrie is most indicative of this I think), and so in this world, I just love having Sansa be a complete badass out of necessity. Also, it’s fanfiction, and I really wanted to give Sansa a cool motorcyle, because no one else was gonna do it!!!

Also, my characters like to run away with me, and before I knew it, Rodrik Greyjoy had a huge adorable crush on Sansa in the story that I immensely enjoy writing. The Greyjoys are fun because they’re all absolutely insane, and i’m a total sucker for ‘gruff dangerous character is completely a sucker for the kind sunshine-y character’ trope.

God, this accidentally got really long??? I’m sorry- thank you so much for such a kind ask!!! I love hearing what people think of my stories, and this was so sweet :)

[scummy-writes]

This is not a request but a more share your opinion with me kinda thing...

So Theo

I understand that he’s a sweet a caring man under his grumpy shell and yada yada ... and there is nothing wrong in liking him I’d even say that I’m jealous because he’s like really hot

But man I can’t get in to him I can like him! every time he ether calls the mc jodje or puppy or dog I would cringe so bad

Like my fight or fly instincts will go overdrive Like??? How dare you?? I’m so sorry but I don’t understand how you can overelook his blatant mean things he says and say oh yea I’ll definitely fuck him!

He has no respect for the mc and treats them with little to no regard in the begging but only when he starts to catch feelings he becomes nicer?? meaner !?!! My brain just thinks that he belongs to the nice guys spectrum? Idk

Maybe because I’m not a masochist or I don’t have a name calling kink or that I despise tsuderes not like it’s anything wrong with that you go girl

Fuck I sound like such a dick in this I’m so sorry

But I needed to get it out of my chest

So thougts on Theo?

Is it that you're wondering why I like him, or why people in general like him? I'll touch into both, regardless, BUT. There will be spoilers for his route and some povs. So there's a heads up.

To preface: I don't mind if folks dont like the characters I like or just don't like certain characters in general, so I hope you know (and anyone else) I don't judge people over that, only how they treat others in regards to their preferences. 

I'm with you on the name thing, honestly. I cringed a lot and still do at times. While it feels as though its a shared, lighthearted type pet name (haha) later on in the relationship, at the beginning it just sounds dismissive and belittling.

But I think it's supposed to be? Theo has a god awful issue at refusing to believe his worth with anything. For his pov at mcs arrival to the mansion, he's actually the one that spots her first, but Napoleon gets to her first and Theo's first thoughts are along the lines of "I'm not the star of this show, I need to take my exit" since Napoleon looks like a hero and has a better handle on the situation.

In his route he shows this a lot, and it shines the most with Vincent. Theo wanted to be an artist too when he was younger, but gave up once he saw how talented Vincent was, fully believing he couldnt be an artist because 'God didn't grant [Theo] that talent.'

And all of that ramps up to 100 when it comes to the reasons he agreed to being a vampire- the revenge. Not only does he blame himself for what happened to Vincent (for introducing Gaugin[sp?] to him, to encouraging their friendship and etc), but now that he's a vampire he doesn't believe he deserves anything good to happen to him. Good things like coming to peace with what happened, or a love life.

So the hondje thing, how I feel about it is that at first its meant to be belittling because he doesn't want you to like him. All the intimidation is part of that, and even then I feel like you can still see hints of that softness still peeking through in the beginning due to him refusing to let the residents/Comte telling mc theyre vampires, because he knows right off the bat it'll possibly terrify her and lead her to doing something rash (like how mc nearly runs out of the mansion the moment she finds out about it). Can see it in how when she's really upset, he immediately puts down that gruffness to make sure she's okay, how he carefully pushes her into standing her own ground (though it really doesnt seem like she needs it, but alas its an otome classic cliche) and gently pushes her into going further into what she enjoys (getting into art like him and excitedly learning about it).

That gruffness turns into Theo being Stern/Firm, but not unforgiving. It turns into being a jerk when shes about to get hurt or get into something she shouldn't (in his eyes- the academy folks, getting hurt by falling for him, getting hurt during his push for revenge). I think he does hold respect for her due to how he pushes for her to tell him in her own words how she feels about the art they're looking at, and how he pushes for her to choose the pieces theyre going to showcase and etc, because he values and respect her opinion. (If he didn't, I don't think he'd keep letting her help him out or even speak much in regards to the art.) I'm sure there's other examples of him respecting her, but that's the first that comes to mind.

It probably feels like hes an asshole and hard to love because in Theo's route you're not the main objective in his eyes. He's focused on revenge, and admittedly, you're in the way for a part of it. He’s now trying to make sure you get home safely without landing you in his problems, and if that means being gruff and a bit of a dick, so be it.

Or, that's how I see it anyway. I think you have to look at these things about him and understand that him 'suddenly' being a nicer guy isn't actually that sudden, it's been there all along and he's been putting on a front. Because the idea of falling for someone when he's had it in his head for years that he doesn't deserve happiness? Scary. Basically that whole 'Better to deal with the devil that you know instead of the devil that you don't know' thing. 

And hey, if you look at that stuff and go "okay, I get it, but I still don't like him" you know that's okay, right? There's characters in a lot of games/media I don't vibe with when they haven't 'done anything wrong'. It's fine to not like a character, even if a lot of other people seem to.

Admittedly, your wording is kinda hard for me to understand if you're kinda. Mad at me for liking Theo? But I'm taking it as confusion at people liking a character you can't see any good in and trying to get opinions from someone on how they could enjoy him. Because of that I don't think you're being a dick, but if you were to send this message to others to get their opinion on why they like Theo, I'd try to word it a little more gentle.

Anyway, for folks who are not anon: if I got small details wrong please don't go off on me, I haven't played his route in a while and forget things even in my top favorite routes. Also, please don't start fussing at anon because admittedly I don't want my notifications clogged with arguments.

[gossipchii]

Spectrum

FF.net: here / AO3: here

Characters: Tachikawa Mimi and Takenouchi Sora

Pairing: Sorami

Words: 3100+

Notes: There’s no other explanation to this other than I love these two. And I hope to be more than Mimi.

HAPPY PRIDE! LOVE IS LOVE!

Enjoy!!!

To Mimi, love was something she understood from a young age. It had never been the subject to ask any explanation for; she simply had always embraced it. She felt it in the small things, such as the cherry blossoms growing on the trees during spring, or with the rainbows that came after a big rainstorm.

She had had great teachers, too, the best ones, even. The way her parents loved each other, by how her dad always opened the door, of any kind, to her mom, or left a bouquet of flowers every seventh of the month on their dinner table, as if they had just started dating, made her heart ginormous. She loved love and was not afraid to express it.

She had always had many boyfriends, even if they tended to last a couple of months only, but each one of them Mimi could have sworn at some point of their relationship, had to be the love of her life. Her friends tended to roll their eyes at her, Mimi was a hopeless romantic, and she could not deny it, she did not want to.

When she was eleven, her world turned upside down, when her parents told her they would move to New York, the Big Apple, which she had only seen on movies. She was at shock at first, of course, but she was sure she could handle it. She had always been a sucker for adventures, after all.

"Aren't you scared of learning a new language?" her oldest friend, redhead Sora, was helping her packing. Their mothers had introduced them to each other when Mimi was in diapers, and Sora was only a year older than she was. Mimi's mother was passionate for anything luxurious, and she considered flowers a luxury, she always had. Hence why she had to take Ikebana classes, which was how she met Toshiko, Sora's mother.

They had been best friends ever since.

"I have been practicing a little bit! One, two, three!" She counted with her fingers, in English with a thick Japanese accent, which left Sora speechless. Mimi was her own kind.

"I will really miss you." Sora said after closing the last box in the brunette's room. It felt cold, wrong even.

"Don't be silly, daddy promised we will come visit every summer at least," Sora embraced Mimi, and it was the very first time she had felt sad about moving. New York was exciting, of course, but it did not have Sora.

.

New York was a whole universe apart from Tokyo. Sure, they were both huge cities, but the mentalities from one another, it was hard to believe they were both under the same sky.

Mimi had learned so much more about love during the six long years she had lived there. For starters, contrary to what most of the media she consumed while growing up had wanted her to believe, sexual orientation was a spectrum, which had as many options as humankind would let it. Mimi had remained a love lover, and that also meant she had, well, experimented here and there. And she had enjoyed every piece of it.

When her parents gave her the option to study her junior year of high school in Japan once again, she accepted without hesitation. New York would always be waiting for her, but Japan felt more distant than ever, and she somehow felt a part of her was missing.

She was especially excited to see her childhood friends, especially Sora, whom she had not seen for two years, but had kept in touch via e-mails and text messages. God bless cellphones and the internet. Sora had told her that she was in a relationship during those years they had been apart but had just broken up.

He had other priorities; Sora explained.

Since Mimi´s parents never had the heart to sell their old apartment, Mimi could have it all for herself, which was a dream for someone who loved experimenting with art like she did. She had seen so many cool ideas on design magazines, she could not wait to bring some western into good old Tokyo.

Sora was waiting for her at the airport, with a very tiny, very discrete, but with the most beautiful handwriting WELCOME HOME MIMI sign. She had written it in English, too. Mimi squealed the moment she saw her and ran as if she was in one of her favorite rom coms, to embrace the redhead.

"It has been ages, Sora, you look fantastic!" and she was not lying. Last time they had seen each other, Sora was fifteen and she was fourteen, during the teenage years, each one counted as at least five. Sora had not grown in height, Mimi was still slightly shorter, but it had always been like that, however, she looked grown, almost adult. Perhaps it was being an Ikebana master daughter, but Sora's posture and presence was impeccable.

"Says Tokyo's favorite princess," her and Sora had always had what Mimi liked to think as a spiritual connection. They were so incredibly different, in every single aspect, however, any time their eyes linked, they could communicate in ways Mimi could not dare to try with anyone else. "Did you seriously only bring a couple luggage?"

"Silly little Sora, the rest is being shipped, obviously!"

It had been a month since Mimi had arrived back to Tokyo, she had had enough time to unpack, and get familiar with the language once again. Classes had also started, and as much as she did not want to admit it, she had felt like an outsider. Sure, she was amicable with the rest of the girls in her class, but she could sense the hypocrisy behind their smiles. Mimi was very sensible with people's vibes, after all.

Sora tried her best to be there whenever she needed her, but Mimi understood she was close to be driven insane. Not only was Sora on her senior year of high school, and applying to the best design schools in Tokyo, but she was still managing to be in the tennis team, help her mom with the school and stay as a top-notch student. Mimi's head was in pain by just imagining it. She was grateful Sora had managed to save that Saturday night just for them, for old time's sake.

"Sorry I'm late! My mom had ordered forget-me-nots for the school, but they sent carnations instead! Can you imagine the chaos? We had to make like a million calls in order to get three hundred forget-me-nots in time for the exhibition next week, I almost had a stroke!"

Sora took out of her bag chips and sodas for their movie night. She also brought out skin care products, since she knew Mimi loved them. That was Sora in a nutshell, always going above and beyond for everyone, but especially for those close to her heart.

"You sound so stressed, and remember, stress is not allowed in the Tachikawa household!" Mimi was already in her PJs, she helped Sora with the snacks, and they both proceeded to sit in the living room. "Nu-uh, you must get into your sleepwear, otherwise you would be breaking the most important rule of slumber parties!"

Sora rolled her eyes and got into the bathroom, to get out wearing, not a silk set like Mimi was, but running shorts and an oversized tee. Sora had a unique kind of beauty; while Mimi had a face you could be able to catch on a runway, Sora had a face that made you look. No wonder most of the guys at school were even scared to talk to her, she was mesmerizing, even with no makeup and her short auburn hair all over her face.

"You have no idea how much I needed this evening, it's exactly what kept me going throughout the week!" Sora stole the chips from Mimi and smiled, she felt a punch in her stomach which she decided to ignore. "What are we watching?" Sora asked completely clueless of her anatomic pain.

"One of my favorites, The Notebook, the kind of love story that makes you want to die," Sora raised her eyebrows, not surprised by Mimi's exaggerations.

It was no lie The Notebook was one of Mimi's favorite movies, but she could not focus on the movie even if she were being paid to do so, and not because she had seen it at least fifteen times, but because she could not keep her eyes off Sora, and her reactions on the star-crossed lover's story. Sure, Mimi had experimented with women back in New York, but they had never been her very best friend.

"No way he fixed the house for them!" Sora was slowly cleaning up the tears that were fighting to get out of her eyes, as she caught Mimi staring at her.

Sora, on the other hand, had never experimented anything, of barely any kind. She had lived in Japan her whole life, and the most extreme adventure of her life was missing the train while she was on her way to visit her dad in Kyoto. In her very structured brain, heterosexuality was the only way of loving, the one-way couples existed. Then, why was she feeling magnetic towards Mimi's hazel eyes?

Mimi was the one to make the first move, holding her hand gently, to see what Sora's reaction on it was. She was static, but did not seem against her touch, either, so she slid closer, removing the bare centimeters that were separating them to each other. Her hand moved up Sora's arm, to her collarbone, neck and stopped right at her cheek. Sora's whole body was on fire, she had never been touched with such care, with such kindness.

Words were not necessary when the unspoken language between their gazes was so powerful. Maybe it had been a second, maybe it had been an hour, but Sora's lips were all over Mimi's, as if she had wanted to do it all her life, as if she had needed to do it all her life.

The kiss had started sweet, a peck savoring Mimi's strawberry infused lipstick, but had slowly increased in heat, Sora's body felt sweaty. Their lips had understood each other perfectly, adapting to the other's pace, and need. Sora's thoughts had been emptied for the whole time, and she wanted it to remain like that. Whenever she thought, she tended to overdo it, and she really did not want to ruin the moment.

Until their lips had to be separated, not because they wanted to, but because they needed to catch some air. Mimi's lips seemed swollen, and Sora's hair was messier than before. They were both panting, cheeks flushed.

And then it hit her, the big wave of thoughts entered Sora's brain and she got scared. What had she just done? That was Mimi sitting in front of her, that was Mimi who she had been kissing as if they were the couple in the cheesy Hollywood film they were watching. Tears filled her eyes once again, she was shaking.

"I'm sorry but… I really need to go." She grabbed her backpack and ran as fast as she could. She was not brave enough to face Mimi once again, because she was the reflection of what she had done, and she was not ready to hear it out loud.

Mimi was left alone in her parent's small apartment, because somehow it still did not feel like her's. She hugged herself and tried to force herself into finishing the movie, which was almost impossible, since her tears barely let her see anything.

What had she been thinking? Sora was all she had in Japan, her only sincere friendship, and she had to be stupid enough to let her feelings lead the way and ruin the only thing that was right with her life. Her chest was in so much pain, Sora would probably never speak to her again, and she could not blame her. Mimi was not stupid, and she knew Japan was one of the most homophobic countries in the world, even if it was the 21st century for fucks sake!

In New York things were much more different, and sure, homophobic folks existed here and there, but it was 2005 and her gay friends were allowed to hold hands in public, even show other signs of affection. Yeah, same sex marriage was not allowed just yet, but they were close to getting there! Japan was miles away from any kind of acceptation… God, what had she been thinking? Perhaps she should start looking for planes, to go back to where she belonged.

Sora ran, she ran so fast she felt her legs could detach from her body. She was not sure why she was running so fast, the one thing she wanted to get away from was on top of her shoulders. She was aware she had been the one to make the final move and kiss Mimi, the facts were there, what she wanted to know, to understand, was the reason behind her actions. She had never seen girls in a romantic or sexual way, she barely even had a close relationship with many girls.

But she had not been on drugs, or alcohol, or any other substance she could blame her actions on. She had just been drawn to Mimi's pink lips as if it were the natural thing to do, as she had kissed her ex-boyfriend so many times. She stopped running to catch a breath, she was not even close to her home, because she had been running without a destination in mind. She knew she had acted like a jerk by leaving Mimi's apartment, but she really needed to be alone, clear up her thoughts.

She grabbed her phone and texted Mimi, "can we talk about this tomorrow? I need to clear up my thoughts."

"Sure ," Mimi replied unable to write a dry message. Happy faces tended to relax situations, right?

Mimi and Sora agreed to meet in Sora's apartment to have breakfast. They could have had their conversation in a restaurant, or café, but the mere thought of being heard by anyone, drove Sora insane. No, they needed privacy.

Sora still felt guilty about leaving in such a rude way the night after, so she tried her best to cook an American breakfast, with pancakes and sunny side up eggs. She bought bacon, too! Very early in the morning, considering she had barely even slept.

Mimi knocked Sora's door, with a knot on her stomach. She could smell from the hallway the breakfast she had prepared, and she hated to admit she was hungry. Sora was a great cook, another talent to add to her never-ending list.

"Hi," Sora opened merely a second after she had knocked, making Mimi believe she had been standing behind the door for a few minutes. She seemed nervous, considering she could not stop playing with her hands. Who was she kidding, Mimi was crazy nervous, too.

"I brought flowers, which is probably stupid considering I came to the Japanese kingdom of flowers," it was a single orchid, beautifully sitting in a nice pot. Sora grabbed it and placed it in the middle of the kitchen table. It all had been arranged as a nice brunching spot Mimi would go to on a Saturday evening in the American city, her heart skipped a beat. "You didn't have to go this far with the breakfast, you know?"

"It's nothing," she shrugged her shoulders, which Mimi could see since Sora was wearing a tank top. She had never noticed the amount of freckles Sora had on them. "You know how much I enjoy cooking, please sit or it will get cold."

They ate in silence, making a mundane comment here and there, about anything but the one subject that was burning on both of their chests.

"I want to apologize for leaving like that yesterday, it was rude. No matter how confused I was feeling, that had not been your fault."

"I understand, really. You don't need to apologize, I seriously thought you would never speak to me again."

"Why would you think that?" Sora's voice sounded hurt.

"Well, considering the circumstances… it could get weird. I've been there before."

"But Mimi, before anything we are friends, best friends even. Sure, I am still very confused about my actions last night, but you did not offend me. I can not promise I could see women in a romantic way, I did not even know it was an option until last night but… I would never want to lose you."

"It must have come as a big shocker to you, right? So many of the people I had mentioned in my mails and letters were girls. To me love never had a specific sex attached to it, not even when I was a kid. I have been working with my sexuality for my whole life. I do not expect you to figure it out in a single night."

"So you…?"

"I have fallen for girls before, yes. I believe I do like girls more than I like boys. Girls tend to be more sensible and open with their feelings, you know? Of course, I do not expect my feelings to be reciprocated, there may even be a chance I am just confused because you are the only person who I feel at home with in this country. I am sorry I let myself get controlled by my feelings, I tend to do that a lot."

"Wow Mimi, I had no idea."

"I do not think I have ever said this out loud, I am not the best at speaking."

"Are we sure The United States is in the same planet as Japan?"

"Right? Japan may be advanced in technology, but you guys still live in the 15th century for so many other things."

"In my household I think we live in that century for most of the things, including beds," both Mimi and Sora laughed, cleaning up the air. "You are so brave, Mimi. For never being afraid of being yourself. You are such a blessing to anyone who ever runs into your life, I will never understand how you do it."

"I guess I have been lucky to, for the most part, run into the right people. Thank you, Sora, for not seeing me as a monster."

"Are you kidding? You are way too pretty to be a monster," they held hands, speaking once again everything they could not say out loud with their eyes.

Mimi knew she could not ask Sora to be with her, not in that moment, not the way she wanted her to be. But Sora was still for her, and she knew she would always be. She was grateful she could still be herself with the redhead, no matter the circumstances.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #462

i am way too tired to mentally flip through lyrics to put here, rip

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) I have zero idea. When did you last travel alone? Where were you going? The last time I visited Sara in Illinois. Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes. What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? I think I got purple highlights? What was the first social media site you ever used? MySpace. Do you have any exes you really regret dating? One. Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Sara's house is lovely. Have you ever been catcalled? No. Are you allergic to any dogs? I might be. Have you ever touched a plant and had hives shoot up your arm? No. Do you think dragonflies are cool? Absolutely! What’s your favorite thing to draw? Meerkats!! Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation? Not high. I wanted to keep it. Do you like fudge? I CAN FUCKING DESTROY SOME FUDGE. Are you an affectionate person? Very. Name something you have to do today: Girt and I are hangin', making fun of bad Netflix anime and going to Buffalo Wild Wings. :^) Would you ever write to a death row inmate? No. People don't get on death row for no reason. I ain't got shit to say to them. Do you reckon online friendships are real? No fucking shit. Most of my most genuine friendships began online. Do you like Slipknot? Yep. Can we talk about how fuckin BADASS Corey's new mask is btw?????????? What do you think of Gorillaz? I like "Feel Good Inc." and one other song I can't remember the name of. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? BOTH!!!!! :') What is the cutest Halloween costume for a baby to wear? GUYS I recently saw a picture of a little baby dressed up as a Little Oogie Boogie and it made my ovaries cry. Which of your friends is the tallest? Which of them is the shortest? Jesus, Girt is a giant. I don't know about my shortest... If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you choose? Pastel pink. :') What has been the best night of your life so far? Why? Probably something sexual so let's keep it on the down low lmfaooo Would you ever even think about taking part in a wet t-shirt contest? Uh, no. Even if I WAS confident in my body. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby? No. It was dirty blonde. Have you ever been in trouble for being too loud? Ha, yeah, at school with friends. Not big trouble or anything, we were just hushed. Did you ever attend a wedding that was a complete disaster? No. What is something that you were surprised you were able to do? Hm. What is the most bullshit-sounding true fact that you know? Male cats have spiked penises lkasdjfal;kje;kjwr it's something to do with preventing other tomcats from mating with her. What Oreo flavor is your favorite? Gimme that Double Stuffed, friend. Sour gummy worms or plain gummy worms? SOUR. Ever been in a talent show? How many times? What did you do? Nope. Ever try out for the talent show and not make it? Did you cry? Nope. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about? Y'all when I was a very little kid, during my older sister's b-day party, I sobbed because I couldn't pin the tail properly on the donkey lmaoooo How do you feel about the use of nuclear weapons? Absolutely fucking barbaric. What song has the most meaning to you? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus!!!! :') Have you ever made bread? No. Has anything ever fallen asleep on you? Pets, a baby I was watching after, and Jason. Ever been dominated in a game you were/are really good at? yep alskdjfla;jwej Have you ever decided to set fire to something out of anger? No. Would you rather be a house pet or a wild animal? Wild animal, I guess? Have you ever listened to a group of chanting monks? I haven't. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? Probably of Teddy. I've still yet to decide on the total design of his tribute tat I'm getting. Do you like the smell of men’s colognes better than woman’s perfumes? I think so, yeah. How mad would you be if someone copied your original work (story, poem)? I'd be pretty fuckin pissed. Have you ever blown something up in science class? Ha, no. Have you ever gotten a serious wound from shaving? Not serious, no. Have you invented anything, only to find out it actually exists? I feel like I have? Ever realize you never truly LOVED your first love? Absolutely not. I loved him. Would you want a Bachelor/Bachelorette party before you get married? Sure, sounds fun. Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? As of very recently, I returned to using pads. I used tampons for most of my maturity, but I got annoyed with them for TMI reasons and resorted back to pads, even though I don't like them either. Have you ever dated a model? No. What is your ultimate goal in life? To die happy with my life and what I (hopefully) accomplished. What colour are the socks you’re wearing today? I’m not wearing any. Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? Girt. It was something regarding how I once considered doing the suicide mission at BWW where you eat a select number of their hottest wings, but I didn't wanna die via chicken. :^) Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? I'm average in height. I wouldn't change it, nah. Especially now that Girt and I are together the ridiculous height difference is hilarious but also cute lmao. Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? Like, while I was there? No. Have you ever had casual sex? Nahhhh. What’s your favourite flavour of frosting? Chocolate. @_@ When you think of your childhood, are the memories mostly happy or sad? Mostly happy, I guess. What is it like being you? Is it enjoyable? It's very boring with few sources of joy. What are your thoughts on the cause of homosexuality? I would *assume* it's a genetic mutation. Reason being, having a romantic partnership without the ability to reproduce defies the motives of science. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, wrong with said (and hypothetical) genetic mutation, though. Mutations are just another part of science. They occur naturally. What subjects did you find most interesting in school? Least? Most interesting: literature/English (especially reading like, old mythology and epics and stuff like that), LOTS of branches of science (but primarily genetics), art, and I looooved my four semesters of German. Least: ANY and ALL math, history, economics, social studies... that kind of stuff. Which do you enjoy more–hot or cold beverages? Cold, for sure. What were some of your favorite bands from childhood? Green Day was one. Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? Buried alive, for sure. It would be much, much slower. Should you really be doing something more productive right now? Well, I SHOULD be sleeping. Today's going to be a long day, because when Girt comes over, he has a tendency to not leave until like fuckin midnight or later alksdjfl;waje Have you ever lived out of your car? No. Does your family own more than two houses? HUNNY we r poor. A relative just committed a very serious crime, do you turn them in? It depends on the exact crime, but odds are, yes. If you're endangering others, byyyyeeee. You’re in the woods, alone, at night…are you honestly not afraid? Bitch I'm terrified. I have zero survival skills. You are on life support, what would you want a loved one to do about it? For the love of god, please kill me. Your child has only a while to live, do you still enroll them in school? That would be up to them. Also, define "a while." How would you feel if you met your idol and they ended up being rude? WELP I have a tattoo in his honor so that would suck ass lmao According to the tale, was Eve wrong for eating and sharing the apple? "God was wrong for even setting up an apple tree and making up rules in the first place." <<<< There ya go. And the punishment was fucking ludicrously extreme. Are you working on any goals? Yes. I'm currently going to the gym regularly to try and better my physical health and then find a job. I know that being connected sounds odd, but trust me: I can barely carry out very simple tasks just because I have absolutely ZERO stamina to do almost anything. I need energy and endurance. I'm also working towards developing some self-love. Which parent named you? I wanna say my mom. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I mean, myself. Aforementioned self-love is hard. I'm just annoyed my head is so reluctant to accept that I'm not a piece of shit for a million reasons. Why have most of your past relationships ended? They all ended for different reasons, really. Are you having any online conversations, currently? I'm not. What’s on your mind? I'm just tired and going back to bed real soon. Have you ever had an argument with a teacher? No.