#letter to my boss

[faithfromanewperspective]

a letter to my (new) boss (i'll never send)

it's important for me to process this here so. i know i've got that work 24/7 in my veins and i know i've got that need in me to change this city and to change the world. make this city nurturing, and feed the whole world and i can't help but constantly feel i'm getting distracted from it and traumatised from that distraction, being forced to do stuff that felt off course. what is on course? do i still remember it? what is the dream? why do i keep feeling caught up in other people's dreams, and dare i say, their idols? a vision of myself i cannot be?

i keep thinking it's like gender dysphoria and but actually. actually it is it's like. i'm sick of my whole life being told to climb up these ladders yknow? this whole structure that was constructed by the patriachy and isn't my gender at all. empowerment of women or whatever shouldn't mean we have to be that. should mean we get to be valued for who we are, whatever that is, instead of being forced into this box that some people won't even acknowledge the existence of (and that is the invalidating, repeatedly traumatising thing).

and that's why i love working in this field that facilitates the change of the industry. but to be bridging this gap requires sacrificing who i really am and the true iteration of the vision i have and i'm stretching myself, pretending what's hurtful isn't hurtful but still trying to steer the whole world away from what's normalised and in there, i feel so lost. I fought to do this project because it felt like finding myself. and it has been, to some extent. but what it has done is opened up floodgates. made me have to face things that are easier left unsaid. it's led me to face the dysphoria that has stayed under the surface for so long.

and i've realised who i am, and also realised, i don't think anyone realises and in some ways it's for the best because i can almost guarantee that in a lot of ways people are not going to like it. the right people will. in fact, i can think of a few who will. i'm almost feeling like i can bring it to the table. almost. but my art is always going to be a reflection of who i am. yes, even linkedin articles. even this bougie course. it's all kind of terrifying, really, because i belong precisely because i don't belong. it's that disparity that's keeping me employed and the way i call everyone else into line because the perspective i bring is outside of the boxes we can see when the boxes are moving too far out of what might be broadly acceptable, encroaching on and stepping on the feet of the invisible and vulnerable, or worse. i speak for the trees. i speak for the punks and the addicts and those who are oblivious to the whole grind. how i sometimes wish i could be.

but i once watercolour painted a wall hanging for an old friend and creative muse that said 'learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist' and that's kind of how i've lived my entire life.

i find it ironic, sometimes, when people look at the have-nots of various backgrounds with different stories who often seem not to be trying under capitalism and think they feel entitled to things without working for them. i know people who think that to various degrees with various caveats and i don't even fight them anymore. no, i intend to do something so much greater. because i've figured it out

i've figured out that I'm the imaginary picture they have of these people they know nothing about, but the other way around. i have this core, and i mean CORE belief that's as fundemental to me as gender (and i get emotional thinking about it, like i don't think it's going to change, self destructive as it is, it's baked into me like DNA and at almost 23 my brain is nearly finished developing. it's stuck) that I'm put here on earth to work hard and provide for everyone else. i've memeposted about it but it's true. i've tortured myself over the lack of success I've had here and come back a million times to the fact that i don't have to, i'm held safe by supernatural hands from that one time a god put on DNA and became a meat suit and made some enemies who then killed it and called it a victory.

i know i don't need to for me and i know i don't need to prove anything and i know i know i know but the strongest sense of gender euphoria i've ever felt is when i fully surrender to both that and this feeling i have that iwanttoiwanttoiwantto. i feel like it's my role in the diversity and it's the big dream i've had since i was an age i could count on my fingers and toes without thumbs. social role or gender, right? this is incorporating some of the themes of womanhood and going global with them, provisioning and nurturing, and i don't care about logistics or what is fair i won't let anyone take this away from me, even though i see in their eyes they often want to try.

it's not even necessarily feminine. it could be masculine if you like. the opposite of toxic masculinity i guess? i know i get gender envy from some who embody this idea. but it's me and i know that and it might be a belief, a dumb one i will admit it, in that i need freedom to live it out. but it goes deeper than that.

and i have to say i've approached this with an attitude of utmost surrender. i have no way of guaranteeing this is going to work but i know i feel good when i'm following the same intuition that lit this passion in me and i know things go wrong when i try to suppress it. i know in order to be my best me i have to be fully me.

and i feel like i need to get comfortable and confident in these shoes before i expose myself too much to things that freeze the flow state of my brain and have power over me that they try to use to mold me into someone i'm not. someone who makes better financial decisions or hangs out with better people or has a more reliable sleep schedule or whose concept of equity isn't so complicated or who can enjoy hedonist things a little.

but don't you get it? it's when i get this out of my system at the same rate it goes in that i'm happiest. least self-destructive. i can celebrate with whatever joys i please within a liberated liberator's moral code and i can actually be present in the moment instead of trying to stem a tide that might give me that fulfilment i've been chasing for my whole life. i'm hesitant to say it's God talking to me except for the fact that i should relax. i don't know for sure, no one does, but what if it is? what if sometimes the counterintuitive best thing to do is just let me be deranged? because when i'm liberated this is as deranged as i get. just trust me, please.

and when you trust me i'll show up to those corporate events in a classy dress and block heels and i'll charm those investors or whatever they are (i won't let them know that i've forgotten their role as soon as they said it) and I'll have them seeing just a seed of my perspective, the one i've collected from thousands of stories i've sought out and will continue to until i represent millions. billions. i'll negotiate and cut to the heart of it in meetings, just let me grow and i can learn to do that. i know my skillset. i'll do admin organisational stuff and make a system for it. i'll finish my drinks and complete your jokes, don't you see who i could be? don't you see who i am? i'm the same me when i work in impact investing as when i work in special education and when i work in conservation and when i work in consulting and i work in urban design and i work in manufacturing and i work in hairdressing and when i'm a mother. i'll defeat your systems and i'll climb ladders horizontally like the monkey bars i slayed on as a child and i'll do it classily. i promise. i'll spend my whole life giving and i'll have fun doing it.

that's the dream isn't it?

[schwarzgeier]

Am I aware that Replika units probably power on perfectly everytime and are built for efficiency? Yes.

Is that gonna stop me, from headcanoning Falke as a non-morning person? N o.

[romans-art]

"Für mich gibt es auf dieser Welt nur eine Mrs. de Winter."

[alcorian]

yknow

im really surprised no one is talking about this

a flower, a letter sealed with a heart, and "fizz's eyes only"

i wonder...

[iwozlegit]

I love how the huskerdust nation of Hazbin Hotel are on their knees praying for a smooth ride when Helluva Boss exists.

Have we learned nothing?

[vaguely-concerned]

waiting until the second season opener to reveal that stolas terminally love-at-first-sighted that little motherfucker (I wish I was exaggerating or joking but no that shit was literally ON SIGHT), thus recontextualizing in one stroke everything about season 1, was an act of stunning emotional violence in storytelling that I may never recover from it's perfect

[king-krisu]

Idk if I mentioned it before but like a month ago I actually got a job translating because of these stupid concert videos etc that I've done all summer so...... I guess the brainrot can cause smth good lol

[eldritchminmo]

Hmmm... SubMas suggestions, eh? How about your take on Ingo and Emmet as mythical creatures? I've seen a lot of mermaids, and the Twin Dragons, but not much else. Could be fun!

i wracked my brain for some interesting mythological creatures but ended up just settled on eldritch horrors. i have a couple more ideas

(i also ended up not making them doodles)

[tsuchinokoroyale]

It’s so good to see you.

Lies of P (2023)

[anotherpapercut]

just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace

[were-writes]

So, Jonathan's letter that Dracula burnt today, that was the shorthand one, right? Like was Dracula mad because he does know shorthand and now he knows Johnathan is on to him, or was it 'an insult to friendship' because he thinks Jonathan has a secret made up best friend language with Mina like besties do when they're little kids, but not one with him and he's feeling left out?

[sant-riley]

MW3 SPOILERS FOR WHO DIES //

Yk what ever fucking since I saw Soap die in front of me, I have not had one moment of fucking peace y'all, this is fucking insane.

[iamshmolphrog]

Some doodles of my favorite fizzy expressions + one fully colored fellow!

[adhdheather]

I OFFICIALLY GOT THE JOB!!!

[e-6000]

alright lads (gender neutral) chaos posting time I need Sapphic song recs I'm making a playlist but I only have two songs bc apparently this is a particular niche that my standard music taste doesn't touch. so far I have Untitled God Song by Haley Hendrix and The Stranger At My Door by Brandi Carlile. also I'm thinking of changing my name actually and for real. that is irrelevant to the rest of the post I'm just kind of putting it into the universe to see how it feels. I've been considering the name Cedar. anyways. lesbian songs please and thank you bye

[carsonian]

been on a green day kick so now it's everybody else's problem

lyrics from "american idiot" by green day

also on ao3 here.