#like I physically cannot function
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It’s so weird having my physical health tank when my mental health is the best it’s ever been.
Like whenever someone asks me how I am I’m just like “well my bones hurt, and my muscles hurt, and I can work maybe 3 hours a day before I collapse from chronic fatigue. But like the world keeps on turning, so I’m vibing dude B) ”
#and I MEAN IT is the wild thing#like I physically cannot function#but I don’t hate myself anymore#and I have a cat that loves me#and I ate a really nice grilled cheese for lunch#so I’m somehow still the happiest I’ve ever been#disability#disabled#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#joint pain#muscle pain#autoimmune disease#lupus
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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"Okay, please allow me to ask WHO THE FUCK IS PISSED WITH YOU???"
"Like why every time your wife lays some eggs somebody just gotta steal them?? Also can't you just check them if they're "alive" or not? You don't need to risk your life just to take back some unfertilized eggs, right?"
"I don't know either! But I gotta take these back. Alive or not, Robin laid them, and even if they won't hatch I'll bury them in our backyard".
Chimera Lyah and his friend Harpy Azazel of my friend Noir Luna, facing some egg stealers, while Robin is worrying sick at home. Those eggs are blank, she knows, but her hubby insists on taking them back.
#“I promise when you need my help I'll do the same for you I'll help you defend your eggs too.” “My wife does NOT lay eggs!”#dol pc#dollya art#dol#original character#other people's pc#dol robin#robin the orphan#harpy transformation#degrees of lewdity#To me the Demon transform sometimes tingles with some harpy's instincts so Lyah cannot fully function them both#Especially when he hides the Demon one to avoid scaring his mate like sure being a chimera brings many benefits and physical advantages#But being a Demon is BAD right and it's scarrrryyyyy
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In my mind the original Creativity and a Roman/Remus fusion would be entirely different sides
#cause on a base level sure they'd technically have the same job#but I think that's where the similarities would end#cause the original creativity (At least before he split) was made to coexist and work with himself#they're all his aspects of Thomas's to be in charge of at the point he was alive#and I think his general personality and demeanor would reflect that (At least before his brain and functions began splitting in half)#him being a lot and very excitable and energetic#being able to seemingly mesh all of his ideas together well whether they would have come from Roman or Remus had they already been split#meanwhile#A roman and Remus fusion wouldn't be like that#they can't mesh like that and I imagine a fusion of them would instead make it harder for Thomas to have ideas#everything being to boring or evil or good or bad or disgusting or lovey-dovey or try-hard or scary or pathetic or contrived or delusional#because they physically cannot find a common ground#not to mention instead of it being one person with conflicting ideas#it would be two people stuck in one body fighting for control and sentience#also I can't really thing of a situation where they'd both willingly fuse so that's an angst idea that's not related to my tag rant#thank you for coming to my ted talk#roman sanders#remus sanders#king creativity#creativitwins#sanders sides fusion#sanders sides
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kinda related, I reblogged a poll not long ago about if you have celebrity crushes and how you define that, where one of the options was: "it means I fantasise about having sex/a relationship with them." and people in the notes were like ewww, who does That, that's weird. which. huh. the amount of people agreeing with that sentiment struck me as odd. that's a very normal experience lol.
it's literally just a fantasy. it Could be a problem if it were maladaptive or developed into something parasocial that affected your actions in reality, but not inherently. daydreaming about people you find attractive is fine.
#not sfw#just want to clarify here that me saying ''this is normal'' does not mean Not doing that is Abnormal. I'm asexual myself and don't do that#I picked the option about it just meaning I find them physically attractive#because honestly I'm not able to put myself mentally in that type of scenario at all? I don't know why. it's not out of shame or anything#it's just like how I have no interest in self-insert stories bc I cannot place myself in Y/N's shoes. this is just yuh-nuh's story now#I Do actually fantasise about people I like non-sexually#but it's sort of in abstract. and it's not like. with Me? or even a tangible person#it's incredibly hard to put thoughts like that into words but I'm sure this is easily understood#I think most everyone's thought process can function like that
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does impulsive tattoo shock migraine out or do I need to waterboard myself first
#it will probably come back immediately as long as I'm n that room bc the fucking vape/synthetic body scent will not fucking leave no matter#what I do. I'm going to take my giant plushies outside when it's dry and sunny enough and HOPE that helps bc I need them to keep my joints#in place when I have to sleep on the floor and thankfully I can avoid migraines in my loft bed but that also means taco steve is banned to#the floor which was my fucking safe place and like. where I work on everything#I'm not going to fucking tattoo myself in a loft bed#bc I will keep hitting my head on the ceiling and it's not a good setup anyway#I'm already fucking sore from when the heavy table we do not need knocked everything off of this stupid shelf I wanted to replace :):)#like I am fucking begging my roommate for help but she's never here unless it's to ask for MY help and then I'm burned out from carrying her#shit up stairs etc and sometimes I do tell her I cannot do this you need to call someone else. and it's only fair that I get stuck w all the#fkn housework bc I cannot work but it sends me into flares where my JOINTS FALL OUT and I have a fever for days?? and IF she would just let#me go back on the one medication then I might actually be able to work again. but I can't elaborate on that bc I don't want to be completely#homeless and so now I'm fucking. I can't do anything and it rly does feel like death before detransition#how am I supposed to fucking live with this#like I'm just realizing this week that I AM incredibly dysphoric without t and I hate it so much but I'm. also putting the function of my#body above all else so it seemed like I just need this for my health. physical health. mental is a lot easier to deal w at this point for me#but genuinely if I did not believe in quantum immortality I would have found a way out#do I think I can or should give myself this tattoo absolutely not#but I can't work out and I need an outlet and I need the pain and mutilation in some responsible way#and also this makes me a lot less dysphoric so#as long as I don't go too far I can have it touched up later. or just scarification border I think that would be neat too#maybe idk actually I think that should be saved for doll joints but whatever
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when u have been characterized as a brat ur entire life but people are starting to realize it’s a trauma response and rooted in crippling anxiety 👍🏽
#I am also. a brat but not in the context that people try to put me in AKSJSKDJDJ#it feels so good to finally be understood :’)#like I’m not pouting bc I didn’t get my way#but I physically cannot function if we have very specific plans that you don’t end up going through with#but someone finally gets me!!!!! and that someone is mom!!!!! I love her!!!!!!#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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kinda really hate how I live my life like a bedbound perpetually-sick/fatigued/lethargic Victorian child who is ready to faint at the smallest amount of exertion and needs a fainting couch for when the vapors overtake me
#i'm literally always so so so so SO fucking tired#like i literally cannot function because of how lethargic and fatigued and exhausted i always am and i hate it#i recently had my thyroid checked and my doc was like yep everything checks out we have no idea why you're always so fatigued#and i'm like oh okay cool guess i'll just fucking die#literally the amount of times i yawn in a day should be fucking criminal#i swear i'm like 2 steps away from being narcoleptic but sleep doesn't overtake me so instantly so i don't think it's that#but goddamn it does not matter how much i sleep or when i wake up or what i do#i am just fucking Tired no matter what#i even taken vitamin D3 supplements or whatever#daily every morning#and yet i'm just a Nothing Person#who can do literally nothing#but lay in bed and be exhausted and sleep until i can't sleep anymore and then just lay there and wait for sleep#it's very weird to think of myself as physically disabled in that way (even if there are other physical disabilities i do contend with)#but like...My Body Is Trash#i'm sorry body like I know your literal only purpose is to keep me alive and everything and i love you for it#even if I don't like how my physical form is perceived#but goddamn my body goes out of its way to hold me prisoner and i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired#negative blah
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i was going to bitch and moan about my arthritis acting up bc im in the desert!!! there are no thunderstorms rolling through to fuck with me!!!
but then i remembered i spent most of today with my legs pretzeled up somehow on the couch
yeah.
yeah thats fair. that ones on me. you win this time, arthritis. but we all lose.
#literally sometimes i lack the executive function to stop being in position causing me acute physical pain#like. this cannot be evolutionarily advantageous my good brain
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I really assumed that tears would make people care at least
#vent#svampp posts#I hate being able to recognize why im upset or something bad is happening to me#because people will always decide that because i know that and i know how i could fix it i have the ablity to#i went to my mom crying because no matter what i do#if im good at it people start assigning me new tasks#often times mandatory or essential to how the place im at runs or functions#but i never have time alone#i dont have time for things i enjoy unless i rigedly schedule them into my life#which takes away time for myself at all#and no matter what is going on for me my parents assume i will be and should be completely self sufficient#they know that isnt true and can speak like that but their actions do not align with it#i am required by expectation to do the emotional and physical labor of keeping my household together#and because of that requirement it becomes an expectation anywhere else i go#no one believes me when i say this is the most stressed Ive ever felt#because if you look at me or talk to me i seem fine#i cannot and will not cry Infront of people#im more talkative when I'm anxious#so either they think i enjoy it#or they prefer my actions that way#but i am exhausted of people telling me im doing fine and immediately contributing to the problem that is causing me to break
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#hoping this will be the cure for cancer that finally breaks that pesky 4th wall#the 4th cure perhaps#yes the first 3 cannot be patented#the 4th? debatable but I can try#no doubt the 4th is by far the most allopathic and western possible approach#i'll patent what i will patent and it's just likely competitors can patent something functionally identical#but i'd rather create this new industry and build momentum there#not even the chatbots see the application of the laws of physics they agree are at work behind my prototype design
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legit just having endless "oooohhhhhhh, it was just shit-ass goof brain disease" moments when i recontextualize events in my life through the lens of unmanaged emotional dysregulation
no wonder ppl get misdiagnosed with bipolar and such like wowee! feeling things at a 20/10 is fucking wild. sorry to everyone who was within the blast radius of any emotion i had, the dial is stuck and the program is all buggy and tends to loop 😐😑
#txt post tag#truly cannot explain the relief at not having mild annoyances make me want to kill everyone and then myself#or being so elated i straight up cannot function because the emotion is just TOO BIG#like i physically ached from how hard i felt and that includes joy likeeeee....
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having a bad time
#can’t stop thinking about how bad i feel#both emotionally and physically#and then when i try to stop thinking about it and just feel it#it becomes completely unbearable#keep thinking about how i’ve ended up so alone/lonely again#and how much i cannot comprehend or accept or tolerate that#and then i’m just like well all this pain is too much for me to bear#so i wish i just didn’t exist instead#i will probably never get out of feeling this way#and like i knowwww i will eventually and feelings pass and pain passes or at least changes#but i will end up back in the same feeling or at least a similar one#that is inevitable#and i feel like i’ve not only reached my limit with myself#but like the world has reached its limit with me#i feel like there is nothing left for me unless i create it myself#maybe that’s just reality#but i feel like no one else cares about what i create#and maybe i’m wrong but i’m too scared to share it or even TRY to do it#because i can’t handle more of the same#humans NEED each other right?#but i have just been left behind too many times#and i can’t go through this again and again#i’m too tired#sometimes i really wish my health scare last summer just killed me for good#sorry for all of this lol#i hate being so traumatized that i can’t fucking function at a baseline#i hate being so sick nothing i do mattwrs#even resting is impossible#i rest in hope that i might not get worse and that’s the only illusion of control i have#the idea of getting better feels like a pipe dream at this point
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i've drafted and deleted so many posts that basically just boil down to "oh my god help me i love this worm" and "can someone please remove this worm from my brain, he is making me insane". please know that i am holding myself back from making one like at least once an hour 😭😭😭😭😭
#this is the hardest a hyperfixation has hit in a loooong time jesus christ i am honestly kind of in hell dshgjkl#idk if i can even make art bc to make art i'd have to think about lines and shapes. and that would be time spent Not thinking abt GGG.#like. i feel shaky bc i want to make art so badly but i cannot seem to sit my ass down and draw. brain going too fast. HOUGHHH#i'm also trying rly hard to make sure i am conversing w ppl properly and not being rude. haven't talked to anyone abt it irl yet.#and also making sure i eat but URRGGHH i just ... want to think about GGG and make art for it and read about it and replay it#i have been working so hard to try to stay functional 😭😭 I GOT MY WELFARE CHEQUE SORTED OUT TODAY THOUGH#SO THAT'S A HUGE WIN.... i will have money to buy groceries AND a few craft ingredients now [evil grinch face]#my god u should've seen my internal processing earlier today though HFSJKL i was restraining myself SO hard in a convo#i just wanted to talk about GGG and show everyone the worm but that would've been rude#so i had to just sit there while they talked about trees (which normally i would be interested in and enjoy. but the worm!!!)#it was so painful HFDSJKL i was like. actually almost physically shaking w the effort of staying quiet and trying to focus on the convo LOL#dandy.cmd
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?
#she bork#it's not even that i'm tired of fighting necessarily. clearly. if i was i wouldn't miss it. i think i miss being ABLE to fight. now i just#don't feel like i have the grit i used to have. i'm not sure if it's bc i'm healthier mentally or bc my energy has just dissipated over time#but i miss taking hit after hit (metaphorically) and wiping the blood from my lip and standing again and raising my fists. i don't do that#anymore. and again even if it's bc i'm healthier i'm not sure it's a good thing that that stubbornness and grit is gone. is it automatically#better to seek the path of least resistance? i'm not sure.#maybe it's learned helplessness? idk i mean logically one person can only suffer so much before they learn it's better not to fight or that#fighting isn't even always possible. but i've always struggled. i've always gone head-first into these things and white-knuckled it and made#it through even if only w self-violence (which was often remarked upon as self-discipline). now i feel like i just flounder and flop and cry#like a fish w a wailing voice on the dock as it loses its breath. i really do think it's partially bc i'm sane now but somewhere inside me#that crazy flame still dances. and ik that bc from time to time i still feel the heat against the sides of the glass. maybe it's a lack of#confidence. maybe it's that ik now that it's impossible to hate yourself into a different better shape (both physically and mentally). but#it was so exciting to try. if i'm miserable regardless i'd at least rather be having fun.#furthermore it could also be that my chaos is no longer external. a lot of what i have going on is internal/physical and it's a daily thing.#fighting daily is a lot harder than fighting through my shitty relationship or that one season of volleyball that destroyed me mentally lol#(ik that sounds ridiculous but it was pretty fucking bad). i'm no longer fighting against other people or external circumstances that i feel#a need to prove myself against. i'm fighting my own body which has proven a tougher match than anticipated. bc how can i? i live here. i#cannot will my body to function. i can swim against the currents of my illness and often do. but that's less glamorous than punching walls#and running for miles like i used to. i want to break a hand. i want to run three miles in half an hour. i want to doll myself up for a#dance and spend the whole night driving w the windows down strung out on a cocktail of cortisol and dopamine. i want to live in the eye of#the hurricane again. and i never will. and it's good but i think it's made me soft.
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