#like i am absolutely manic in a way i usually dont get

[scalpelsister]

anyways i need to be humanely euthanized <3

[p1xiemeat]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[yikesharringrove]

the fic you wrote for my last prompt was amazing, ty 😭 can you do 50 + 56 this time please? and if you want to work in dyslexic!steve too that would be awesome! 🥰

You are speaking my fuckin’ language, dyslexic Steve is my ABSOLUTE jam. Honestly, whenever I write Steve, he’s dyslexic, although sometimes it’s not mentioned because it’s not important to Harry’s journey @ jk rowling

Thank you for your request! I’m really glad you liked the other one I wrote! You’re anonymous so I don’t know which one that is but I really enjoyed writing them all! Sorry for my manic energy rn.

Something a little different, it’s modern au! This is probably nothing like what you were thinking so I’m sorry, but I kinda love it ngl.

50: Secret Admirer

56: “I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.”

Prompt list!

Billy spent three and a half hours reading through every single tweet on the account.

There were so fucking many of them. The earliest one was timestamped from four days ago, so obviously, this person had no life outside of tweeting.

Tweeting about Billy.

He had a few personal favorites. He had retweeted them to his account, figuring may as well play it up, make a joke outta everything.

@ImHardForHargrove: sorry WHOMST gave you the RIGHT to have eyes that fuckin blue im YELLING

@ImHardForHargrove: watchin u play basketball is a religious experience y are ur arms so BIG hhnnnng

And Billy’s absolute favorite, which he pinned right at the top of his account

@ImHardForHargrove: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass

Billy knew he looked good. Knew he turned heads wherever he went. He did that on purpose. But realizing someone at Hawkins High had set up a thirst account for him, well.

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.” Billy had explained the situation to Robin, letting her go through the account on his phone. “Like, It’s kinda nice, whoever this guy is, he’s got a crush. But also like, It’s kinda creepy. Plus he’s objectifying me,” Billy was talking through his sandwich.

Robin made a face of disgust. “Why do you keep saying ‘he’? All of the girls in this fucking school are practically drooling for you.”

“Hard for Hargrove, Robin. I know you’re like, revolted by the peen and whatever but that does not excuse a lack of basic sexual education and anatomy.” She gagged at him. Honest to God, gagged. He thought she was gonna spew all over the table.

“If I ever hear you call it a peen ever again, it’s on sight Hargrove.” Heather plopped herself down next to Robin, kissing her cheek before zeroing in on Billy’s phone, still in Robin’s hand.

“Have you guys worked out who it could be yet?” Her eyes were wide at Billy.

“Billy says he thinks its a guy even though people with penises aren’t necessarily men.” Robin gave him a pointed look.

“Yeah Robin, I know that, but, I don’t know I just think it’s a guy penis-having person.”

Heather narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you actually think that, or are you just hoping in that goblin little brain of yours that this account is Steve Harrington’s.” Billy could feel the heat spread down his neck.

“Billy, I know Steve is like, the only out guy in this whole fucking town, but you can do way better than him.  PLUS, I feel like it makes more sense if the person running this account wasn’t out and had to channel their gay yearning through social media.”

“First of all Robin, you have this vendetta against Steve that I don’t get. He’s a nice guy. He’s kinda dopey, kinda dumb, but he’s like, sweet and shit. Second, I’m not out, so it still could be him because he doesn’t think I would, like, accept his advances or whatever. Hence, gay internet yearning.” The chime of the bell sent them packing their lunches, Billy’s phone vibrated in Robin’s hand. She rolled her eyes when he realized he turned on notifications for the account

“Get a fucking life you loser.” She slapped the phone into his hand. He opened the new tweet with embarrassing zeal.

@ImHardForHargrove: i saw u talking with ur mouth full and it was yucky but i was still  🥺🥺

His head shot up, trying to see who would have been facing him during lunch, but the cafeteria was almost empty.

The rest of the week Billy took deliberate care of every interaction he had with anyone. Observing who was in his surroundings, and making note of everything he did and said. He took extra caution around Steve, wanting to spot any minute detail that could give away who ran the account.

The account started blowing up. People were retweeting like fucking crazy. Everywhere he went, he was being asked if he’s seen it, like he doesn’t regularly retweet the good ones. The search for the owner of the account had spread throughout the whole school. A few girls even tried to claim the account was theirs, but every time that happened the account would tweet out something to discredit whoever made the claim, proving them a liar.

Billy was starting to lose hope it was Harrington. The tweets were coming at all different times, posted whenever the person thought about it, so Billy was losing track of who was near when he said or did something. And the tweets were always about stupid stuff Billy didn’t register doing. On Wednesday night the account said

@ImHardForHargrove: hi when you chew on your pencil and it makes me 🥴 that is all thx for comin to my ted talk

Friday afternoon gave them all:

@ImHardForHargrove: walked past ur classroom and u were asleep ive never wanted to CUDDLE someone so bad in my LIFE

But Saturday, Saturday renewed all hope for Harrington Billy could possibly have. Lauren Kranz was throwing a party. It was the first real rager in a while, so everyone was there, and everyone was sloshed. Everyone but Billy, who’d agreed to be designated driver for Robin and Heather like some kinda idiot.

He was brooding on the back porch when his phone went off. The account was active, and the owner was drunk.

@ImHardForHargrove: I can seeeeee u oyt the windw I wan u 2 FUC ME. RAW DOG.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry ur so beauitiful nd THICCC

@ImHardForHargrove: I wana shoot my shot but idk if u lik bois

@ImHardForHargrove: (ys i am boi)

@ImHardForHargrove: nd i dont wana get my heart broken agin 😥

He was right about it being a guy. He was right about him being too nervous to approach him outright. His brain was screaming stevestevesteve at him. Hawkins was shook when Steve came out as bisexual in his sophomore year. He was the golden boy, a real jock. He was NOT the kind of guy people would assume queer in a small midwestern town.

He was kind of a douchebag, dumping one girl for another, sleeping with her and never calling again. But then he settled down with this guy from the University of Indianapolis for a few months until Steve caught him cheating. Apparently, he had slashed the guy’s tires. Billy was impressed.

The next year came Wheeler, who only stuck around long enough to make sure Steve was nice and whipped before she fucked off on him too. So Steve retreated. Spent more time with middle schoolers than anybody else. Didn’t want to put his heart on the line anymore until he knew it wouldn’t be stomped on.  Billy could respect that.

Billy couldn’t risk being out in a town like Hawkins. Word always had a way of getting right back to his dad, and in a tiny hick town with nothing better to do than gossip, it was usually only a matter of hours before Neil heard something he didn’t like.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry 4 bad typing rn. drunk nd dysl exic ren’t a happy combo

Billy’s heart stopped. The drunken idiot was giving himself away. Maybe if he sat here staring at the account long enough, enough would be revealed he could figure it all out like a shitty drunk episode of Blue’s Clues.

He was so focused on Twitter, refreshing his feed, again and again, he didn’t notice a very drunk, and very unsteady Steve Harrington stumbling out the back door towards him. Until he crashed into his back.

“Sorry, Bill!” Billy had Steve by the shoulders trying to keep him upright. “Heyy I have a question for you.” Steve grabbed one of Billy’s hands and veered over to the table and chairs arranged neatly on the small patio. When they were sitting, Steve kept ahold of Billy’s hand.

“Hi.” Steve was smiling like a little kid. Billy was in fucking love.

“hey, Harrington. What was your question.”

“So-oo. I have this friend. A very good friend. Super close. And he has a big ol’ crush on you but he’s too scared to ask you himself because he keeps getting his heart fuckin’ broken so he wanted me to ask. Are you into guys?” It’s a miracle Billy understood any of that, every word blending into the next.

“That depends.” Billy leaned in, running his tongue along his bottom lip. He saw Steve take in a sharp breath, following the movement with his glazed eyes. He knew Steve was talking about himself, he just wanted to rile him up a little. Make him blush first. “This friend you’re talkin’ about. He’s our age? Like you’re not trying to set me up with one a’ your kids, right?” Steve physically recoiled.

“NO, you fuckin’ pedo. I’m NOT trying to set you up with a fuckin’, fuckin’ middle schooler. My friend is, uh eighteen. He’s a senior.” Unless Tommy fuckin’ H. suddenly had a penchant for dick Billy didn’t know about, Steve was 100% talking about himself.

“Well, if he’s as pretty as you are, I’d love to go out with him sometime.” Billy winked. Steve went red.

“Okay, but like, does that mean you’d go out with me? Like I’m as pretty as me, right? Because I was talking about me. Not ‘a friend’ I was talking about me. Steve.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that out. You know, I was hoping it was you running that Twitter. Any time you’d tweet out something you wanted to do with me, I was always picturin’ doing it with you, Baby.” Billy was practically purring. “Especially all the shit you wanted me to do TO you.” Steve gave something between a whine and a groan and flopped himself onto Billy’s lap, straddling him with very little grace.

“Thank God. ‘Cause you’re so fucking hot I’d let you do anything to me. Anything, Bill.” Billy smiled softly at him.

“Then let me take you home. Let me put you in bed to sleep off all this. And let me take you to breakfast tomorrow. Something nice and greasy for your hangover tummy.” Steve was a puddle in Billy’s lap. “C’mon, Drunky, git your ass up.” Steve just giggled and muttered Drunky Skunky under his breath.

Billy sighed and stood up, hefting Steve up with him.

“Bil-ly,” Steve whined. “You’re so strong, this is so fucking hot. I gotta tweet about this.”

“Tweet it later, Sweet Thing.”

It took Billy for-fucking-ever to find Robin and Heather (they were making out in the basement with the stoners). But Steve chirped and cooed into his ear, so happy Billy could lift him and hold him like it was nothing.

The last tweet from the account was timestamped from Sunday evening.

@ImHardForHargrove: Hi this is Steve. Billy’s my boyfriend now 🥰#ThirstWorks

[lifeasabpdmum-blog]

Borderline Personality Disorder, Is commonly the most misunderstood illness. 

I think, If you asked my friends what BPD was, they probably would not have a damn clue.  As I am writing this right now, I am Manic. Which i dont often encounter, well I get happy but, Manic? not as often. When i am Manic, I am unstoppable. Something that comes with having borderline Personality Disorder is attachment. We become attached so heavily to people, that we can spend all day thinking about this person, We want to be around them all the time, Attachment is very hard, Usually we become attached to figures that look after us, a care giving, or a position of authority. example Teachers, Doctors, Therapists. Your days can revolve around them,  And you can wait all day to speak to them, And if they have the slightest change in tone, It can ruin your whole day, Because you feel like they hate you. 

I’ll use when I was in the psych ward for example, I got so attached to one of the woman in the ward with me, I called her my psych unit mum, We got so close and would spend hours chatting and just spending time together, Before I got the privilege to have the rights to go outside for a cigarette, When she would go outside for a cigarette, I would become absolutely distraught, I just could not cope, without her while she as outside. 

a few days later I was granted the rights to go outside and have a smoke with her, I was over the moon. The day after I was able to go outside and smoke with her, The hospital released her, I was an absolute wreck I locked myself in my bedroom, And refused to come out for hours I just lied in my bed and cried, I have not seen her since she left, And even though I thought I could just die without her, by the next day I had calmed down and was okay again, Yes, sure I missed her, but I didn't feel like I would die without her anymore. 

Often having BPD is like watching someone else destroy your life! 

Okay so let me start this off by how I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.. 

I was in a little psych unit called the Mother Baby Unit, Which is a unit where you go when you have Post Natal Depression, I was there for 2 or 3 weeks, and progressively got worse over my stay there, by the end I was threatening to run out in front of a truck, It was an unlocked ward so potentially i could have done that, But the nurses would not let me leave. So because they would not let me leave I locked myself in the bathroom I did not really know what I was going to do, But I knew I wanted to die, I said to them that if they would not let me go home, the only way I would be leaving was in a pine box, They took all my belongings and hid them, They monitored me for a few hours, But it felt like forever. 

They got the Head of the Psych unit and a security guard, to escort me to the adult psych ward, where for the first night I had a nurse by my side every second because I was on suicide watch. Once I saw the Therapist and he said changed me from involuntary to voluntary, I was taken off suicide watch, However, I still was not allowed to go for a cigarette. Anyway I was in there for 3 weeks, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And put on Seroquel. 

So many people hate this drug, But It saved my life. I took it and by that week I went from extremely depressed to the most Manic I have ever been. 

But in saying that Since I started taking it I dont know, Whats me or whats the drug.  

I feel like sometimes It is so hard to parent because My son, doesn't understand why my emotions are so excessive  and they change quickly, Sometimes he thinks hes a bad child because my illness gets the better of me, Which is untrue, he is an amazing kid, Having this illness I think has ruined me being a great mother. Because of my emotions. 

I feel like most days are hard because I feel to overwhelmed with life that, I can’t take my son to the park, Because out doors are scary. So we sit inside all day watching kids shows or movies.  And although watching kids movies is fun, thats no way to live daily.

Days get hard. And I’m trying to take my son out and go for play dates. And push through my anxieties. So I guess parenting with borderline personality disorder would be the hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I wouldn’t change it for the life of me though. Because yes it’s hard, yes it’s a struggle, but I am who I am because of it!

“Borderline personality disorder is a type of personality disorder. Symptoms of BPD include not having a sense of who you are, worrying about abandonment, quick mood changes and feeling very intense emotions.”

“Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a serious mental illness that causes the inability to manage emotions effectively.

The disorder makes a person experience very intense emotions, and can affect relationships.”

I can’t cope with a lot of things that I want to be able to cope with.

As he is quite little it’s hard to explain whats happening in ways he can understand. When I started this blog, I was extremely manic, as I write this part now I’m extremely low and suicidal.

I want to be a good parent, i want to go seek medical help, increase my meds or something, are there such things as BPD parenting classes? Because I feel like I need a lesson in parenting. I thought writing this blog post would be easy, but it hasn’t been, because parenting with BPD is hard and I don’t know how to put it into words. I really hope my son knows that behind mummy’s “scary” that I’m trying to do absolutely everything to be as normal I can be for him.

I have a few triggers. That probably would make things easier if I learnt to stay away from. Which I’m trying to do, I’m scared to leave the house, when I try to do that, I get so scared and want to hide. I don’t want to teach my son that outside is a scary place. I have ordered a book online that goes through worksheets to do for people with borderline personality disorder. Which I hope will help.

If anyone has any tips on how to parent please add some tips cause this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.. and I’m scared

[urcadelimabean]

Unpleasant emotions under the cut. Medical stuff, mental health

It still takes about 30 seconds of talking about the idea of getting back on the mats and training again before I start crying. And I cried already yesterday. I try not to think a lot about it which I know isn't healthy. It brings back everything. I wonder if people, even friends, didn't take seriously how badly this injury affected me in college because on some level it still isn't "cool" to care about things this deeply, especially not a sport. Maybe they expected me to just move on. I'm not stupid, I know there is at least a possibility of never being able to do brazilian jiu jitsu, judo or MMA again and only being able to do boxing if I could even bring myself to. But wow, people really didn't understand the earth shattering thing they were suggesting when they pointed out maybe I will never recover. It hurts to even consider it, and I have many times at this point. I didn't just love training, I was in love with it. Just completely completely in love. This isn't just bad because injuries suck and pain sucks. Of course I had found other hobbies in the years I've been rehabilitating my knee but nothing has come close to replacing actually getting on the mats and wrestling. And I still break down imagining what it would be like for this fucking injury to be over once and for all. I can't even express myself. A friend pointed out I didn't just go from being not very active to being bedridden and injured, I went from low-key having super powers and being extremely extremely way over the top active to being bedridden and injured and in pain, followed by having to relearn walking etc. Imagining being back there again, before all that when I could train freely, is just imagining all the happiness I know I'd feel and it's the weirdest and worst feeling because it's so so so happy and I'm so so so sad. "Happy" "sad" - why aren't words more helpful. I just can’t express it.

I'm going to be stretching my stupid fucking leg more and trying to see if the pain lessens. I literally can't stop trying. I feel like I have absolutely no control over not just whether or not I get better but also no control over my own desires like....it's been five years now, five!!!!! Years of my life!!!! Korra recovered from leg paralysis faster. And the idea of getting back on the mats for real still makes me want to go charging out my front door screaming bloody murder (this is a good, happy thing) with absolutely no caution.

That sport was everything in the world to me. I dont even acknowledge that very often. I was never ever ever dedicated to it I was addicted. Fun doesn't even begin to describe it and I was GOOD. And it was even more fun because I was good and because it was a challenge but I got just as much out as I put in. And I was getting better and better and better and never wanted to stop. I literally wanted to fight since I was a small child. Seriously, I wanted to be a knight or a pirate when I grew up, which is obviously hilarious in retrospect. When I started mixed martial arts it was a dream come true. It's as much a mental game as it is physical- that's why they call jiu jitsu "human chess." You're always adapting to your opponent and anticipating and strategizing. It's seriously the coolest sport in the world. And I barely think about it anymore if I can help it. I can’t even tell my cool stories of victory anymore because I can’t remember them well. I’ve forgotten what things are called and the specifics of how to do them.

Like........does it even matter why my knee has had so many problems? Was it not having actual painkillers after surgery that gave me nerve damage? Maybe the stiffness is worse because of small infections which I've heard have been the cause that made lots of other people's knee rehabilitation much worse. Would I even care if I found out now? Probably not. at all. I just dont want to be involved with this anymore. I am so deeply bored with these stupid fucking problems and I just do not care.

I didn't just go from being active to being inactive,I went from functioning so well in school to having trouble focusing and thinking clearly, having trouble sleeping, having trouble with homework, forgetting things, having intrusive thoughts, developing anxiety, having nightmares, not caring about previous interests, worsening self confidence, self harming thoughts, nightmares about suicide, huge problems seeing blood including period blood, randomly becoming rapidly afraid, hopelessness, dissociation, feeling angry all the time, having brain fog, not being able to cope with other problems as well in other parts of my life, flashbacks, financial stress, not feeling like I knew who I was, oh yeah also physical pain in many many degrees lol. How wild is it to realize I've been mentally shying away from some things so hard I thought about my scars as simply "long skin deep cuts" as opposed to what they really were post hospital: unanesthetized bone-deep stab wounds stapled closed over cut up tendon and screw and bolts. And nice of my doctors to gaslight me about it as well and push the idea that I just couldn't handle moderate pain. So nice of them to give me hydrocodone which no longer alleviated my DEBILITATING PERIOD CRAMPS so what will it do for stab wounds, I really don’t know. Also I should never have been prescribed hydrocodone for my period but how was I to know that that the time

To add insult to literal injury lolol, creepiness from men went up at about a 200% increase as soon as I was injured. This was the first time I really had to deal with men who are disgusting, obviously aside from my father.

I just look back at all these years. Of all the stupid injuries that other people have no problem recovering from, an ACL tear doing this is just actually INSANELY stupid I almost want to laugh. But that sounds like blaming myself and I'm so not going there because I know this wasn't my fault. I literally worked my ass off especially the first year (or worked my ass back on? I had so much atrophy after surgery from the swelling that my butt was asymmetrical lmao)

I just don't feel like I can work that hard anymore, I'm operating at less than half power but I'm still trying. The one positive, ha, thing I can say about having less energy to keep trying is that if there was a time for pushing myself it was at the beginning when i had to build most of the muscle back and I guess I mostly did that. I shifted to a softer approach and gentle but more frequent stretching instead of strength exercises and developing some more fine motor control I still don't have and trying to develop a more forgiving attitude towards my body. But I need to stretch even more and more frequently and focus on that over strength. I wonder if some of the pain is still related to muscle weakness but 🤷 I have a thigh muscle.

Anyway...'carry on' is what im going to do I guess. I'm just whatever word means existentially rapidly cycling from furiously angry to depressed to manically motivated to hopeless to numb and then back. I just miss it. I usually never let myself think about that. I loved it.

[beautygirlstylesworld]

Twisted

Hello tumblr.. I am in a bit of a manic state..so if I am posting a long winded weird post dont mind it..I wanted to ask anyone who will respond..am I disturbed for loving movies/shows/reading true books/articles etc about psychopaths? I am not one..but I'm absolutely fascinated by the way these..inhuman soulless creatures inhabit a human form and take lives like it's a game, or a thrill. When I was in elementary school I went to mid evil times and yes they were mid evil times no mispelling)..I was soo bored..until I saw the torture chamber. In 6th grade I took out the book in library (yes I'm old people) called killer clown about John Wayne gacy and I read the book cover to cover. If you dont know who that is you've prolly stopped reading this by now. I have read multiple books articles on every serial killer or killers you can think of. And it doesnt stop at the Jeffrey dahmer, Ted Bundy types. I read everything on the ice man, hitman for the mob that used to kill with an ice pick, whitey bulger, the infamous mob snitch of black mass and very loosely based on the departed. I watch ID investigation channel " the murder channel" my mother dubbed it, constantly. I have watched every live interview..I even learned about how their brains work. They did studies on several known supposed psychopaths. They hooked up areas of the brain to a screen and played image after image to the known killers and then played them to John and Jane doe. The results..the images of happy people, happy faces, people doing nice things, hugs etc, the control groups lit up on The signals of the brain that indicate happy, love, affection, when people were scared, when violence occured, they lit up . The killers brains didnt light up a not at all anywhere.not happy, not sad, not angry on the happy posts, but the sad, violent, and scared faces their brains lit up like Christmas trees indicating excitement. They werent happy, they weren't angry, they were excited..violence made them feel something, fear made them feel. The true evil of a psychopath..they feel nothing inside. In order to fe1el, they need to see fear and violence. It excites them, it turns them on, like a drug addict who gets a fix or a sex addict..pure rush.. pure dopamine. Psychopaths enjoy killing because it gives them a true feeling where nothing else does. They are dead inside. They are not people, not really, they may look like us, they may play the part they need to so we dont know what they are, but even they know they are monsters. And once they kill and they usually do..they dont stop til they are stopped. In prison they still kill when possible. They see us as weak prey to hunt, stalk, bide their time. A psychopath doesn't kill for any other reason then the thrill of the hunt and the kill. Have you ever thought about what animal is the most psychopathic animal possibly out of all? You know and may even have one laying right next to you purring. A simple house cat. A pet cat does not need to kill to eat or survive..but my cat I've watched him torture small animals and couldnt catch him to get it away. Big Tomcat loved to hunt and be outside, scrappy. But I nicknamed him "Dexter" from the HBO show cause he would just have such fun with these small creatures for hours..letting them run a bit and grabbing their tail pulling them back. I yelled at him a few times..he made that flattened back ears " dont tell me what to do" tail flick cats do..and would leave. Was he hungry? Was he protecting himself? His space? His food? Etc? Nope. Hes just bored. It's a game. That is the nature of a true psychopath. They dont ever need to kill..they simply enjoy it. And that sounds like something out of fantasy right? Only its very real..and people often dont know who is one..until it's too late.

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[babyprime]

i was Utterly Fuckin Star Sabered earlier and was thinking about a college au featuring my fantasy ocs and i came up w the following:

nex: clear and obvious theatre major. theatre kid to end all theatre kids, as usual. going thru kind of a weird clowncore phase and everyones kinda just rolling with it for now. Resents being called a juggalo. into memes and vines. hes like that one benevolent weirdo every school has that everyone knows like some schools have No Shoes Guy some schools have Daily Cosplayer and then this school has Twunky Gym Clown.

aureus: you know that one jock thats always going around looking like he was brought to life as a physical manifestation of bodybuilding forums but always has a thoughtful comment on the lecture and gives u the handout when u miss lecture? yeah. he like never studies but he’s the worlds leading expert on Winging It and is great to have in group projects. probably late daily but no one cares because he makes friends with every professor and its only by like 3 minutes. changes his major way too much. roommates with nex freshman year.

loa: look we all know hes an english major. takes school WAY too seriously and finishes essays in like two days. actually does the readings. hes a good boy but like Rebels a lot in harmless ways after agonizing over it for like 3 weeks. almost definitely befriended nex with a conversation about kuroshitsuji, hes like Squad with the other two after being dragged along with their antics 100% of the time; makes sure neither of them fail

eri: we’re doing this aged down for convenience but. complete and utter art hoe. worlds biggest art hoe, both metaphorically and physically. skips class occasionally to wander off into the woods but spends the rest of the week worrying about it. got married super young but only half for financial aid purposes, The Gag Is theyre soulmates also. hes the best to have in group projects if youre going to hell because even tho it stresses him out he WILL do the whole entire thing by himself and get everyone a free A without saying a word to anyone if u frustrate him enough (but dont do that to him, dont do that to ANYONE are you kidding me)

trouble: no one even knows if he goes there. hes a little older than the rest of the gang but theyre not entirely discounting the possibility that he might just have taken longer or taken time off or w/e. but the jokes on them because all he ever does is lounge in a highly visible spot with some instagrammable beverage while looking really good, hes never gone to class there and probably never will. he just likes the Aesthetic of it all. nex lives there n the gang hang out at his and eri’s place but he hates it because aureus never goes the fuck home

espynn: manic pixie dream classmate. lives the life that tumblr user vampireapologist does apparently. forestry major. eats in class but never gets caught doing it when theres rules against it. theyre that super kind person thats ALWAYS carrying around something for people like spare pencils, paper, pads, medicine, whatever, like they got u. carries a knife around also. always ready to show u the cool frog they saw earlier

bonus! boys content!

annie: he doesnt Go Here but hes around socially because of the others+friends. had to take an extended break over Severe Brain Injury related things, but a lit major and surprisingly into it. on first name basis with absolutely every faculty member in his department and due to overwhelming Big Dick Energy he gets by with fucking around for the time that hes in school

barry: law boy. he dresses like a southwestern farm dad and if he werent hot someone might question the fact that he wears at least two pieces of denim together every single day. gets WAY too stressed about academics and its The End Of The Fucking World if he fails one (1) test. for how charming he is always u would think he would be good socially but no! theres like a 90% chance u will be ghosted by this man! he will forget to reply to u for three weeks then get nervous about responding again after the wait and then just never speak to u again. but also hes the guy that like,,,, talks complete strangers out of a crisis like he finds u sobbing in the student center and then becomes ur new dad and brings u a coffee

jd: doesnt sleep because he takes 8 ams and regrets them. needs mental health accommodations but was nerfed by how much of a pain in the dick they are to get. really passionate about being a good good science boy but not to the point of getting stressed. he’ll absolutely destroy you if you challenge him in an in class discussion and wont tolerate being fucked over in group projects, he WILL put his name and only his on the finished product and send Receipts to the prof if you never respond to group chats. he is the Polar Opposite of eri

k: hes made of anxiety and existential dread so hes good at handling any workload or failure or other fuckup because hes just like Guess I’ll Die. has no fucking clue what he’s doing after school but he majored in probably philosophy or something. wretched little sjw. probably missed class on the mere Promise of a dog on campus

hank: bold of u to assume hank can read

[swampgallows]

dude maybe i have add, i dunno, adhd, or something. these like... dissociative spells and distractions are becoming too much and im not sleeping at night (not like i ever have lmfao but) i dunno, i feel like my brain isnt staying in my head

i dont know if i have to reduce my level of multitasking or what, but then i get dissociated when i dont have enough stimuli. i cant focus on things that i even want to do (maybe due to too many distractions again? im not sure) and i feel like i either hyperfocus on things or become instantly distracted. my living space is pretty chaotic in every facet but even at work (extremely spacious, generally quiet, etc) i feel like my mind is in hyperdrive. even on tumblr sometimes i feel like... manic, like i cant get to the content fast enough, like im reblogging ‘too much’ or i refresh my feed like a zillion times expecting who knows what, just a kind of compulsion that i need to do it, like ‘i need more content right away’. i felt like that when i was reading War Crimes even though it was a very shitty book and extremely boring (maybe that’s why?), i think the word i used was “voracious”. hungry for content and feeling unsatisfied. it felt like i was eating the book, like i wanted to tear every page out after i read it to check it off, like to put it in a “done” pile. it felt like a task i absolutely had to complete

then sometimes (to a point that it was present on my recent performance review at work) i become “inward directed and not communicative" and fall quiet, and i know i have these ‘moods’ (theyre more like an absence of a mood, really) and im not really sure why i have them or what causes them. when they’re happening, i feel like i am very disengaged (dissociated, again); like i have dropped out of the Thing that everybody is part of and fallen to the sidelines, or like im not part of my own body or related in any way to the people around me, etc. times like that are when i want to just walk away and keep walking, thinking maybe i’ll stumble upon myself again. usually during those times i want to cry but i usually cant. i havent been able to cry for a long time.

i dont know if it’s depression. it doesnt seem like depression to me, and i’ve never been diagnosed with depression (though my mother and brother have). this is all very vague so i apologize, it just seems like a grab bag of “symptoms” at this point, as it were, so i’m not sure how to summarize it. but it’s really bothering me, it’s affecting my work (both my day job and my art/djing), that everything feels like it’s happening too fast yet it doesn’t feel like enough is happening at the same time.

also my maladaptive daydreaming has gotten very bad, but i dont really feel comfortable going into detail about that. i havent been having nightmares (or sleeping much at all, honestly) so maybe that’s part of it too.

suggestions/input are appreciated. input is always appreciated. i seemingly can’t get enough.

[blckbrdflyy]

Oh 18 year old me & how not much has changed.

I’m now 30 and this was written in 2004 when I had just turned 18. It’s crazy how after all these years alot of this is still accurate. (Ignore the misspelling and grammatical errors I did not want to spend the time editing and wanted to keep it raw)

“my name is cathy but most know me as cat. i am very informed and opinionated and i love to debate. i am very open minded. i hate drama. pretty girls make me feel inferior. i like to be in love. shaggy haired guys are gorgeous. i play the guitar, write poetry and skateboard. i also love my art. i am going to be going to college to major in graphic design. i like solitude but if it werent for my friends i would go crazy. i am a foster child but do not feel sorry for me or expect me to tell you my life story. i love my family very very much but they will probably never know that. i am very shy and timid at first but i eventually open up to a whole new person. i am always changing and thats part of life. i do smoke pot and cigarettes, i do drink and i do party. i will never push my choices off on anyone so dont push yours on me. if you dont like it you dont have to. i am not on here to get the highest amount of friends. i do cry alot. i am a very emotional and sensitive person. i love to be in love. i love to laugh. i love to just have fun. i am a HUGE pessimist and it sucks. i am very unorganized. i refuse to be cheated on ever ever again. i will not suffer through another damn heartache. i am very gullible. i sleep with a night light on and music cause i have always been afraid of the dark. i worry too much. i eat alot of pickles and potato chips. i like to read alot and escape into the worlds that can be created by masterminds of the english language. i am not any kind of core, i am not scene, i am not straightedge, i am not punk, i am not gothic, i am not emo, i am not indie, i am not gangster, i am not preppy, i am not a metal head i am just my fucking self, so even though you may classify me it will never change who i am or how i see myself. i have a very low self esteem. i love hanging out with guys having burping contests and playing video games. i am a cat person. i love going to the park and swinging and always hoping that i will go over that bar into another dimension like swinger girl. i watch too much television. i am very passionate about the things i enjoy. i think i was born way to late. my favorite time period would be the 1900’s. i always try too hard to get people to like me. i am quite the insomniac. i bite my fingernails. i dye my hair alot and i think its going to fall out soon. i have thyroid cancer. i hate it when people feel sorry for me and pity me in any way. i love being the center of attention but large groups make me very nervous. i love kids and babies and old people. i hate to fight. i always feel really bad if i hit someone even if its my little sister and she just punched me in the face. i always put myself in someone elses shoes. i have scoliosis. i think society is just as fucked up as our government is. i hate george bush and there is nothing you can say or do that will ever change my mind. i am eighteen years old. i am worried that i will never find a love that was lost. i wish i didnt have to die. death scares the shit out of me. i hate thinking that everyone will eventually die. i believe in faith of the heart and mind because all organized religions are fuckin corrupt. i like watching cartoons. my favorite candy bar is twix but i dont like chocolate that much. i hate milk. i love love love ice cream. my favorite season is autumn because i think it is so beautiful and feels wonderful. winter is my least favorite because it is dreary cold and depressing. i do not hate my life but i wish there were alot of things that i could change. i do not like people that are racist and judgemental because they think they are so much better than others, its ignorant. i like to paint my nails. i like to make jewlery. i shop at the thrift store and the flea market. i really like boys not just as love interests but they make the best friends for me because they are much more carefree and fun to be around. i read alot. everyone including myself is a hypocrit at one time or another.i cant wait to get the hell out of highschool but i dont want to go into the real world just yet. i hate letting go but i have a hard time getting attached. expressing my feelings verbally is one of the hardest things for me to do. i am sometimes too nice that i get taken advantage of, i have a hard ass time being mean unless you are making fun of someone or just being an asshole. i want to join the peace corps. i want to live in australia. money is evil but so good to have. i have never seen three of my sisters and havent seen my real mom since i was six. my dad was a marine and he is a psycho abusive person and my step mom is a drunk. my older sister can be a huge bitch and trys to change who i am but she thinks she is looking out for me, my little brother has no emotion and he is turning out to be like my dad. my little sister is cool and she looks up to me. my grandma and grandpa are really poor but the absolute sweetest people you could ever meet. two of my uncles and a cousin have been to prison. my family is comprised of a lot of backstabbers and snobs. i am part german and cherokee indian. i am an american and damn proud and grateful for all that i have. i ponder all the things in the world non stop and often get so frustrated with all the unanswered questions. i like being popular but only if its for good reason. i would date a girl if she was right for me, but guys are my main thing. i try to help everyone i can through their problems. i love going to concerts and getting in the pit. my biggest pet peeve is when someone gets all competitive over music and has to know everything they possibly can and make you feel like an idiot if you dont. i want to be famous. i want to sing in a band. i am very very pale. i have a fake tooth. i like psychological movies that leave things unanswered to make you think of all the possibilities. i like smoking weed every now and then but i will not let any drug control my life. i have made a lot of mistakes and have a lot of regrets but i move on. if you dont like me chances are i will still like you. i look up to a lot of people such as martin luther king jr., harriet beecher stowe, harriet tubman, abraham lincoln, princess diana, mandy moore, john lennon, johnny cash, my foster mom, brad pitt and jenifer aniston, the dalhai llama, helen keller, elie wiesel, anne frank and last but not least myself. i hate talking on the phone. i miss my childhood and wish i could relive it and change so many things. i dont like cookies or cake too much or even chocolate. i love iced tea with lots of sugar. i love french vanilla roast cofee with lots of cream and sugar. my favorite holiday is thanksgiving. i still go trick or treating. i hate how a big of an influence society has on so many of our personal choices. i believe in karma. i cant wait to be on my own but i am scared. i am afraid of not being accepted but then again i dont want to care or worry about it. i am not a virgin. i love cuddling and making out better than anything else. i like falling asleep in a guys arms. i wish i could read peoples minds cause i always wonder just how they feel or what they are thinking. i love roller coasters and i get really nervous at first but after one time i am hooked and i will ride just about anything anywhere. i like being outside all the time when its warm enough cause when its cold all i do is sleep. i hate grey rainy cold days because they put me in a bad mood and i usually have a bad day. i have always loved making out in the summer or spring rain though its so romantic. i dont like getting gifts of any kind. i love politics. i love late night philosophical discussions. i wont tell you like it is cause i am a pussy and cant be a bitch. i love late night i love yous. i love when guys call me even after i just saw them because they miss me. i love randomness. i love life. i love nature. i love kualas. i love poetry. i love fashion. i love human anatomy. i love singing in the shower. i love playing dress up. i love star gazing in the middle of the night. i love crayola crayons. i love football games. i love fast food. i love mountain dew. i love self expression. i love spontaneity. i love open mindedness. i love stuffed animals. i love hoodies. i love cars. i love difference. i love tube socks. i love dying my hair. i love piercings. i love tatoos. i love monkeys. i like ego boosts every now and then. i love saturday morning cartoons. i can love you given the chance. i love to laugh. i love to smile. i will not change for you. i have opinions and yes they do change. i will not have sex with you. i like school because of the social interaction. i watch the news and read the newspaper alot. i learn slowly. i was diagnosed with manic depression and i am always medication but i dont think i am depressed i think i am like all the other teens, its just teenage angst and mood swings. i think this country is obsessed with diagnosing kids with all possible problem they can. i like my eyes. i struggle with letting things and people go. i like collecting things cause i am a major pack rat…Yep that’s me!”

[androidincubus]

ALL THE SW ONES

-screeches- Here we go1. do you find force users or non-force users more interesting?I usually don’t think I pick the characters I like based on their abilities but more on their personal character. However I do find the force in itself more interesting to have. I think so I would say force users. Though there are tons of non force users who are great too.2. which character do you want to be most like?: Now I know what you might be thinking but honestly.... probably ... Leia Organa.  Leia is so strong yet vulnerable. Stalwart and full of conviction. She pushes on though she loses so much. There is so much for her to carry but it never makes her turn to darkness she still sees the light worth fighting for . to make the world a place world fighting for. A place full of people worth supporting. I want to see that much good in the world in other people. To continue to fight on though there is so much lost. To be a admirable person in a less then admirable world but to fight to make it a better one.   I dont feel that I am that person. But that’d be nice.3. which character are you actually most like?  Now this one is harder to be objective about and someone could argue with me about but I will speak to you from my honest personal opinion. I feel I am most like Anakin Skywalker.  I am speaking of his character as a whole but mostly in the prequel sense. I am hardly ‘fallen’ to the point of Vader. However I will say like Anakin I am good intentioned and driven to betterment and achiement to help others. I am empathetic but also not always the best at understanding social ques. I feel Anakin struggles with this. I also feel Anakin has been loaded with expectation his whole life to a transcendental goal. I relate to this point to an extreme. My family being transcendental Buddhists. There is much pressure to be the absolute and not to be consumed or clouded by the mind. To be ascetic This is something that weights heavy on me . I relate heavily with Anakin. Anakin has fearful dreams of loss. I too have had fearful dreams of loss my whole life and continue to do so. I seek a stable path and yet to have found it. Like Anakin I desire acceptance guidance and approval and validation. I want to know what if what I am doing is right. I also can on my good or even manic days be headstrong or quick to action and not one for for though. When it comes to relationships I am either mistrustful or very attached and sometimes especially early in life It was very hard to separate from those I had feelings for.   A lot of these traits I see In Anakin. So I see myself most as Anakin 4. what headcanon will you defend to the death?:  I don’t know if I have one specific headcanon I wont let go but since I have bipolar myself the ideas of Anakin also ‘suffering’ makes me feel a little bit happier5. what planet would you most like to visit? :For it’s looks, Naboo6. what planet would you most like to live on?: I don’t know... Still probably Naboo... or Zeltros and just party all the time. I kid though7. who do you hope you never meet?: Palpatine. too manipulative8. what is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc?: I will put back in all the cut Padme scenes!! I would I would have her go back to being part of starting the rebellion.  Also better treatment of Shmi9. have you ever made fanart or fanfic? do you make edits or any other fan content?:Not really. I used to make fanvids. I cosplay but thats not really much...I roleplay?10. do you think the jedi were right or wrong?: Hoooboy.  I think their are clouded by absolute thinking themselves. I think they themselves are complacent in a system where they think they have they answers. Where emotions have no use. They are more quick to shut conversations down then to help their fellow jedi. Many issues come up from this holier then thou attitude. 11. who is the most underrated character?..many but I will go with Shmi personally.12. do you care who rey’s parents are?.. I do..but honestly I don’t feel it is intrinsically something that defines her oddly enough. she is more then her parentage. also i don’t follow theories at all. 13. if you could resurrect one dead character, or prevent them from dying, who would it be?. I would want many characters to live. but probably Padme. I have all the Padme feelings.14. what is your favorite alien species? hmm I am terrible.I like torgruta. YAY AHSOKA15. who would you like to bang? It’s a tie ...sorry. Obi-Wan and Padme 16. which movie/episode have you watched the most? Episode III/ROTS17. what is your favorite line?18. what is your favorite star wars book or comic? Anakin and Obi-Wan comics are good19. what’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe? I dont know it well ... sorry >>20. what do you hope will happen in future movies? I hope a lot of things but more then anything I hope Hayden/Anakin gets a cameo and I hope he is treated well as a actor and as a character. I also hope Leia is treated well as a character as well as Carrie’s Legacy. I hope things with Kylo Ren don’t get too...’IM A BAD ASS DUDEBRO’ more then they already are. which is saying something because all the dude bros are tug of way on that front they love him or hate him21. if you could switch any character’s gender, who would it be and why?: Honestly. I probably wouldn't I tend to not genderbend. i tend to think the gender of the character shapes the experience of the story and to change the gender changes the characters personality but thinking on it. I could go for a female Han Solo.  to go with a ‘unaltered’ Leia  But really I usually dont change characters genders for the above reason  But A female Han might actually improve the smuggler character hahah..to me anyway22. favorite droid?: R2D2....im partial. but BB8 its adorable23. what’s your favorite star wars musical piece or theme?Across the Stars. it always has been my favorite. also battle of the heroes..24. how do you pronounce twi’lek? TWEE LEK25. which character do you have a love/hate relationship with?Heh...Probabaly Han Solo... The fanboys. have um... given me a distaste over the years.  But also as a Leia cosplayer you learn to love/hate.....but I am a Kylo cosplayer to...what all of this says about me ?  It must be all very complicated up there